#as a queer woman I am particularly weak to this display!

[carnilia]

I’m watching A Starstruck Odyssey and Beardsley is in a white button-down with tie under a leather jacket and I am feeling totally normal about it completely and utterly normal and looking in a respectful way thank you that is all

[kingedmundsroyalmurder]

Content warning for Racism Against Italians.

"Mrs. Williamson was the “saint in spectacles and calico” which Larry West had termed her. Eric liked her greatly." Can it be? A humanizing characteristic? My God, Mrs. Williamson really is a saint!

Joking aside, I am glad that Eric isn't completely aloof from the townsfolk. He's secretly condescending, even here, but it's genuinely refreshing to hear him display any amount of, like, positive feelings towards another person. We also learn that everyone assumes he is also a poor student working his way through school, and he doesn't dissuade anyone of that impression. So it does seem like, despite his internal monologue, he isn't "putting on airs" or being outwardly condescending. Honestly this book suffers greatly from being from Eric's perspective -- I feel like viewed from the outside he would be much more likeable at this point.

(Not that protagonists have to be likeable, but this book does seem to want the reader to like this man, and unsurprisingly, I don't, particularly.)

This book has quite a dim view of marriage, doesn't it? So far the options for marriage we have been presented with are:

-Marry a woman who is pretty and demure and presentable and will keep your house and host your guests and bear your children. She must have good breeding and a good background. (Rich people option)

-Marry a woman who will be your jailer for the rest of your life, and nag and harangue and make your life a misery until you die or she does. (Poor people option)

-Be a nice??? woman??? and marry a physically weak and unattractive man??? somehow??? (I don't fully understand why the Williamson's marriage doesn't compute for Eric. I am hoping we see more of them and it starts making more sense!)

The nice thing about living in a little, gossipy village is that it is not weird in the slightest to go, "Say, I saw someone weird on the road, can you tell me everything about them?"

“Well, now, you know, Master, I reckon it’s likely he does, seeing that that’s exactly what he is. You’ve hit the nail square on the head. Italyun, yes, sir! Rather too much so, I’m thinking, for decent folks’ taste.” And we were having such a good time too! Alas, the Racism must inexorably rear its head. I'm not going to quote the rest but, rest assured if you have not read this book, It Gets Worse. Perhaps Eric is confused why Mrs. Williamson married Robert Williamson because Robert Williamson is Racist? (It's not, but a girl can dream).

"Old James Gordon was living then, Thomas and Janet’s father, and he said he would never turn a child out of his door. He was a masterful old man and liked to be boss." Fascinated by this world in which a man refusing to turn out a day old infant left at his home is somehow the stubborn bad guy making mule-headed decisions. 

“No, why, I thought they were on bad terms,” said Mrs. Williamson, betraying a little feminine curiosity" Eric, my man, you've just been interrogating these people about Neil Gordon. I don't think you can cast aspersions on anyone for being curious about their neighbors.

So the mysterious hot boy is named Neil Gordon and is the child of two traveling Italian peddlers. His mother died the day he was born and his father skipped town the day after, leaving baby Neil in the care of the Gordon family, who had been hosting his parents. Neil was raised amidst the townsfolk, but none of them like or trust him because he is Foreign, despite, you know, literally having been born in this town. Blood Will Out and all that. The Gordons live a little ways out of town and they are Queer and Dour and Keep To Themselves.

Also they have a niece. I am sure this detail will in no way be relevant to the rest of our story.

[lewdladylily]

If youre still taking characters then Wonder Woman (DC) Keyleth (CR/TLOVM)

Keyleth:

No | rather not | I dunno | I guess | Sure | Yes | FUCK yes | Oh god you don’t even know So I'm going to start with Keyleth because, unfortunately, I don't know the character much. I know some of her more infamous exploits, like the cliff dive, but that's about it. I tried to listen to critical role once and I just couldn't handle four hours of content every week. I watched the first arc of TLOVM, but I never got around to watching more.

However, what I have seen of her Keyleth is very cute, and cute is its own kind of sexy. From what I've seen I cannot imagine her as a dominant or top, she gives of real strong sub vibes.

Also as cool and badass as I know she can be, she is also kind of pathetic in a very endearing way. I am not immune to the appeal of a fail woman, and though that does not usually apply to her sometimes it absolutely does and that is a character trait I find very appealing and interesting, and interesting is always sexy. I looked up a clip of Vox Machina so I could hear what her voice sounds like (its very cute) and its her accidentally murdering a man with Lava and freaking out about it. Again, just a bit pathetic in the most endearing way.

I need to watch more Vox Machina. Anyway, onto Wonder Woman!

No | rather not | I dunno | I guess | Sure | Yes | FUCK yes | Oh god you don’t even know

So there range here is because if you asked straight up she is a sexy and fuckable character, but not absolute top tier for me. Also it really depends on which depiction.

BUT

What Wonder Woman represents? The real world origins of the character? One of the best highly sexual characters of all time.

So for anyone who may not know, Wonder Woman was created by a man (William Moulton Marston) who believed in the inherent superiority of women. Look at this quote from the guy: "Frankly, Wonder Woman is psychological propaganda for the new type of woman who, I believe, should rule the world."

He was also in a poly relationship with two women who had heavy influence on the character and, this is the best part, they were all outspokenly into bdsm and kink and the Wonder Woman comics were full of both. Marston himself famously described bondage and submission as a "respectable and noble practice", a quote I used to name a wonder woman bdsm story I made (though I never finished it, maybe I should.)

So all of this heavily influenced the comic. Wonder Woman herself has two blatantly kink elements in the original run. First, the Lasso of Truth, or its original name, the Magic Lasso of Aphrodite. It's original power was not making people tell the truth, it was straight up mind control when someone is tied up (even a little) with it. Her weapon was a bondage rope that mind controlled people. Second, her little known weakness: When her bracelets (named the bracelets of submission, which is very on the nose) are chained together she loses all her powers. Wonder Woman's textual, explicit weakness is bondage. She's got both dominance and submission via bondage built into her power set.

It didn't stop at Wonder Woman herself, either. Bondage and submission is depicted as a major part of the culture of the Amazons, there are lots of stories of them doing kinky shit just because. Themyscira is explicitly an island full of super kinky lesbians regularly engaging in massive bdsm games. One particularly famous story has some of the amazons dress up as prey animals and others hunt them, and when they catch them they tie them up in elaborate bondage and put them on display for everyone to see. This isn't described or alluded to, that issue was just the being hunted as prey kink and bondage exhibitionism issue. It honestly takes the whole concept to a weird level that's kinda off putting but hey, I'm not going to kink shame here.

Anyway, the point is that feminism, queerness, sexuality, and bdsm are baked into the character at a fundamental level. The fact that Wonder Woman isn't recognized as a kink icon is a travesty. For this reason I rate her as top tier.

However, much of this essential nature of Wonder Woman is stripped away in basically all later depictions and frankly I don't like the classic art. Never really have liked classic comic art, though I recognize the artistic value it just doesn't appeal to me. Most of the time what we get from Wonder Woman is watered down and sanitized for mass appeal and while she is very sexy anyway, the sanitized Wonder Woman is not what I would consider top tier.

I personally prefer depictions of Wonder Woman where she is amazon like. Big, strong, lots of muscles, with a more understated outfit, I really don't like the stars and stripes leotard. I also think she is by far hottest as a sub. Very big and strong woman being dommed by a smaller woman is a very hot idea to me. Also, when people draw her tied up in her own lasso it is very hot.

[blood-sucking-whore]

Gender in Killing Eve and Hannibal (TV Series)

WARNING: LONG TEXTPOST!!!

(pls tell me ur thoughts)

Both Killing Eve and Hannibal feature characters who perform gender (or don’t) in particularly interesting ways.  Killing Eve’s subversion of female gender roles is rich and complex, especially for a crime drama - a very male dominated genre.  In crime shows, female characters are typically either non-existent, or badly written props for insufferable male protagonists.

The women of K.E. (namely Villanelle and Eve) are not only extremely intelligent and driven, but have a sensitively-described moral greyness.  It is fascinating to see both women’s moralities evolve throughout the series, especially in relation to each other.  

There are consequences to their actions, but the writers allow them to do bad things, to be bad people.  It is refreshing to see ‘strong women’ written in this way: they don’t have to make women look ‘good.’  Often this moral flexibility is only tolerated from male characters.  

That’s not to say that Villanelle and Eve are never vulnerable.  They are people: their worth as characters cannot be based on filling the age-old mold of cold, dull, emotionless male detective characters.  Eve is manipulated by her employers, by Villanelle, affected by the death of her friends, and is a victim to her own guilt.  Villanelle, similarly, is subject to the needs of her employers, is orphaned, and is overall dysfunctional.  

This inhibits their control of their own situations.  But both characters make decisions, and take power for themselves.  And while their intentions are muddied along the way, they both keep fighting for something, even if it's just for themselves and each other.

The two central characters of Hannibal, Will Graham and Hannibal Lecter, exhibit a similar relationship to that of Eve and Villanelle.  While they (Will especially) don’t flout the rules of gender as decisively as Villanelle, for example, they also are not typical male crime protagonists.

Will Graham is vulnerable, quiet, and uncomfortable with power.  And, unlike other male underdog characters, this isolation isn’t resolved by, or blamed on a woman.  These descriptors apply most obviously in the first season, but even through Will’s development, he doesn’t exactly become masculine or powerful (at least in the traditional way.)  He is consistently affected by mental illness, which is sensitively depicted, and (character-wise) is sympathetic to other mentally ill characters.  This is a point of weakness which is constantly exploited by other characters such as Jack and Hannibal.

Hannibal, on the other hand, is not very vulnerable (until he becomes more sympathetic to Will.) He is always in control, always able to manipulate the situation to his advantage.  But even he isn’t exactly masculine.  He enjoys art and music, and even through murder, is opulent and flamboyant.  

This is easily comparable to Villanelle’s (fashion, visuals, performance) 

Both Hannibal and Will are very clearly queercoded, and in a relationship that can’t really be described as platonic.  Scenes with them are written, acted, and framed in an intimate way.  Even when stabbing each other, there is romantic tension. This is a union between two people who understand each others’ deepest, most hidden nature. 

I am hesitant to compare murder entirely to queerness, because of how this has been used to suggest evil inherent to queer people.  But murder, and wanting to murder, is sensitively and subtly compared to the way queerness is viewed by society, and to an extent how it can be experienced by queer people and their own self-discovery.  The way both characters talk about murder is intensely intimate.  And Will’s development as a murderer, and someone who understands murder, is parallel to his evolving relationship with Hannibal.

Villanelle and Eve are canonically bisexual, and have scenes that are clearly romantic.  They share a similarly obsessive relationship.  It is endlessly entertaining to watch this relationship play out.  It is infinitely toxic, as opposed the clean, unpassionate lesbian romances we’re used to seeing on TV.  It’s also not an oversexualised, voyeuristic male fantasy.  

TV writers need to stop avoiding making queer characters that are bland, moral, nice and boring for fear of making something problematic.  That’s just lazy writing, and it’s up to them to write these characters well.  I am tired of clean, easy ‘girl power’ types, or tick-box diversity.

Another interesting facet of gender performance in the two shows is fashion and costume design.  In particular, Villanelle’s penchant for two or three piece suits is considerably masculine, but not a masculinity typically performed by men in crime shows.  She chooses fashion outside of the default, minimal idea of masculinity, and embodies gender performativity.  

However, Villanelle is just as likely to wear overly feminine clothing (eg. pink tulle dress, black tulle dress) in a way that is just as deliberate and theatrical.  She is fully aware of herself and how she is perceived, and is able to manipulate and enjoy it.  This is an especially enjoyable rebuttal to the ‘beautiful but doesn’t know it’ trope, which I despise.  Her self-confidence is not granted by a man: she seizes it herself. 

Eve is almost the opposite of this.  She wears very neutral, almost utilitarian clothing throughout the show, and rarely considers what she wears, except when she has to.  But this doesn't give way to the aforementioned display of female insecurity.  Both women show a performance of womanhood that is unconventional on TV.  What I think causes this is that the male gaze is rarely applied to either woman.

Will and Hannibal have somewhat of a similar visual comparison to Eve and Villanelle, simply: Hannibal is very attentive to his clothing,  Will, for most of the series, is not.  Hannibal, despite dressing in typically masculine clothing: three piece suits, does it much more deliberately and precisely than many masculine male TV characters.  Will’s clothing is perhaps a choice, less by him than the writers, to make him seem unthreatening and unaware.  This changes in the third season when Will begins to wear fitted suits, and seems to brush his hair more often.  

Some interpret this as Will mirroring Hannibal, but it could be read as Will rivalling Hannibal.  Hannibal was able to, quite literally, keep up appearances of himself as competent, sane and respectable.  He asserts himself as Will’s superior.  However, Will understands that maintaining his appearances is beneficial to him, and shows the viewers, and Hannibal, that he understands the way he works.  He is, by season three, no longer a vulnerable stray, but not a ruthless, efficient killer.

Both series display complex, well written characters: and this is their strength.  But I do wish the writers of Hannibal had developed their female characters better.  

[longgae]

Feeling like debating with relatives/other weird people? Here is a list of controversial topics to discuss (and what to say) :)

Made because I am very tired andddd I had coffee today.

Gun Control - Gun violence has been a heated debate topic in the U.S. for years. Mass shootings and other acts of gun violence kill nearly 40,000 people every year in the U.S. The gun control debate largely hinges on interpretations of the Second Amendment. It reads: "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." Advocates for gun rights argue the "right of the people to keep and bear arms" means that the government cannot control the possession of firearms. Thus, they oppose any laws that impact their ability to buy, carry, or accessorize guns. By contrast, gun control advocates focus on the part of the Second Amendment that says gun rights are meant to be "well regulated" by local, state, and federal legislative bodies. They push for stricter gun control laws, including more extensive background checks, regulations on assault weapons, and banning high-capacity magazines. Today, the debate has escalated due to the high rate of gun violence and the rising frequency of mass shootings. In 2019, there were 417 mass shootings in the U.S., according to data from the nonprofit Gun Violence Archive (GVA). The increasing prevalence of mass shootings has sparked fierce debates about the sale of assault rifles, background checks for gun buyers, and the connection between gun violence and mental illness.

Abortion - The pro-life perspective argues that life begins at the moment of conception, and therefore abortion is equivalent to murder. It is seen as an act of violence that can have physical, emotional, and psychological repercussions, even if the pregnancy resulted from rape or incest. Pro-life supporters believe that government intervention to prevent abortions is justified. On the other side, pro-choice argues that people have the right to choose to have an abortion because they have bodily autonomy — complete control over their own bodies. They believe that it is immoral for the government to make medical decisions on behalf of pregnant people. Thus, the pro-choice perspective opposes federal, state, or local laws that restrict access, impede funding, or create legal obstacles for getting an abortion.

Religious Freedom - Religious freedom is considered a fundamental human right for every American. The First Amendment states: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." Yet, religious liberty continues to be controversial in its execution. Discussions about religion and politics are often polarizing because they dig deep into how people view the world. As the adage says, "don't mix religion and politics." The First Amendment compels the government not to show preference to a specific religion or take away an individual's ability to exercise faith. It also ensures that neither the state nor the church has the power to rule over each other. Under the First Amendment, Americans have the right to practice any faith or to have no faith. Legally, they can do so without fear of government coercion, even in public. In practice, the fiery disagreements over how freedom of religion can and should be expressed have led to clashes over God's mention in the Pledge of Allegiance, displaying the Ten Commandments in public spaces, and businesses denying service based on religious belief. The issue is particularly prevalent around Christianity, which appears in many aspects of public life in the United States, despite not being the official religion. Many people with pro-religious views argue that religious freedom means they have a right to make choices about who they serve or employ and what they display or do based on their religious values. Others argue that religious freedom means not having to follow the trappings of a specific religion in public spaces or required pledges, and also not being denied access to goods, services, or jobs based on their religious beliefs.

Vaccines - Vaccines have revolutionized global health with life-saving immunity from certain diseases. Polio, smallpox, tetanus, and other infectious diseases are no longer deadly because of innovative vaccines. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), vaccines prevent thousands of Americans from getting infected by diseases each year. Immunization is the best protection against these diseases, especially for children with weak immune systems. They may also help bring the COVID-19 pandemic to a speedier end. But there has been some opposition to vaccines in recent years. The push back against vaccines comes for different reasons, including fear, misconceptions, and mistrust of science. Anti-vaccine activists are often referred to as anti-vaxxers. Some of the most persistent arguments against vaccines include a widespread fear that vaccines cause autism, that natural immunity is better than being inoculated, and that vaccines contain harmful chemicals. Over the years, public health officials, physicians, and medical experts have debunked these claims. Despite that, anti-vaxxers still argue that vaccines can be dangerous and contain hazardous or poorly-researched substances, creating risks that outweigh the benefits. Meanwhile, vaccine supporters believe all parents have a responsibility to comply with medical advice on vaccine administration, protecting their children and strengthening herd immunity for society as a whole.

Marriage Equality - In 2015, the Marriage Equality Act made same-sex marriage legal everywhere in the United States and was later upheld by the Supreme Court. Even so, the rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) [YASSS QUEENS] individuals to marry still lead to heated debates, especially within religious communities. Those who support marriage equality believe gender and sexual orientation should not affect access to rights under the law, including marriage rights. They believe all couples deserve access to the same recognition, legal rights, and tax benefits. Opponents of marriage equality argue that marriage is defined as being between a man and a woman, and allowing any other type of union undermines the institution of marriage and should thus be sanctioned by law. Most opponents of marriage equality have a faith-based viewpoint, arguing that non-heterosexual romantic relationships contradict teachings in the Bible, making them sinful in the eyes of God. They believe the government is obligated to prevent these marriages, triggering further debate about the separation of church and state. While marriage equality is the law in the United States, the debate over LGBTQ+ access to equal treatment continues.

The Trump "Presidency" - Donald Trump's presidency has been a constant source of controversy. His abrasive leadership style, tone, and methods in office are dramatically different from his predecessors, drawing an unprecedented level of ire from citizens who oppose him. He was impeached in 2019 after he pressured Ukraine to smear then-Democratic-presidential-hopeful Joe Biden. As of July 2020, President Trump had made more than 20,000 false or misleading claims. This included falsehoods about the coronavirus pandemic, fringe conspiracy theories, his impeachment trial, and protests over the death of George Floyd. He's also clashed with world leaders, openly supported white supremacists, and ignored evidence of Russian interference in the 2016 and 2020 elections. Those who support President Trump claim the media misrepresents him — despite evidence to the contrary — or deny his past statements. Trump supporters embrace his policies, which include more substantial immigration restrictions, protections for the Second Amendment, and nationalist identity politics. They also view the president as a political outsider whose unconventional style and behavior are a needed disruption of traditional politics. Trump's opponents have fiercely criticized him for mishandling the coronavirus pandemic, race relations, and constitutional law. His opponents also view his presidency as a dangerous deviation from normative American values about executive authority, democratic rule, and general political civility. Trump's opponents advocate for progressive policies that clash with his conservative viewpoints, including humane immigration reform, enhanced environmental protections, and stricter gun control laws.

Transgender Rights - Transgender rights aim to protect individuals who identify as a gender that is different from the one assigned to them at birth. They argue that human rights should apply equally to all people, including those who are transgender, cisgender, non-binary, gender fluid, or intersex. According to the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), transgender people face discrimination in education, housing, military service, credit access, and healthcare based on their gender identity or gender expression. There are 1.4 million trans adults who live in the U.S. Nearly half the United States does not have legal protections for LGBTQ+ employees. In June 2020, the Supreme Court ruled that it is illegal for employers to fire or discriminate against an employee because they are LGBTQ+. The 6-to-3 decision was a landmark victory for transgender rights. Transgender advocates work to strengthen and expand legal protections in schools, healthcare, the workplace, and common law. Opponents of transgender rights push back against the idea that people should have the right to identify as a gender other than their assigned birth gender. Religion is often a major source of anti-transgender sentiment. According to the Pew Research Center, 63% of U.S. Christians (ew) disagree that someone can be a gender different from the sex assigned to them at birth.

[I'm Christian, don't attack me for saying ew ✌️]

White Supremacy - White supremacy is a belief that white people are a superior race with the right to dominate society at the expense of other racial and ethnic groups. White supremacy has morphed into a political ideology that affects socioeconomic and legal structures within the United States. In recent years, white nationalism has gained political traction in the United States — even in the White House. "President" Donald Trump is widely condemned for promoting racism, bigotry, and hate speech through anti-Black, anti-immigrant, and anti-Muslim sentiments. White supremacists often clash with people of African ancestry, indigenous peoples, Muslims, and Jewish people. This racial violence has led to numerous acts of right-wing terrorism. According to the Anti-Defamation League (ADL), right-ring extremists killed 38 people in 2019 — 76% of all extremist-related murders that year. These perpetrators typically self-identify with ideologies that include neo-Nazis, neo-fascists, and neo-Confederates. White supremacists heavily coalesced around the removal of Confederate monuments amidst the aftermath of the police killing of George Floyd in 2020. The monuments have long drawn ire for honoring the institution of slavery. Opponents of the white nationalist movement typically advocate for stricter hate crime laws, open immigration reform, and protection against racial or religious discrimination. They also push for greater access to economic power for marginalized racial groups and for reparations for slave-descended Americans. There is also an ongoing debate over how to classify white nationalist violence and activities, with opponents of the white nationalist movement calling for such actions to be classified as domestic terrorism.

Aaaaand, last but CERTAINLY not least ...

BLM (Black Lives Matter) - The Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement is a political movement to resist police brutality against Black people. BLM began in response to repeated instances of law enforcement facing little to no legal repercussions for use-of-force incidents that resulted in a Black person's death. BLM has grown into one of the most massive movements in U.S. history. Recent polls found that between 15 to 26 million Americans participated in BLM demonstrations in 2020 over the deaths of George Floyd, Elijah McClain, Breonna Taylor, Emmett Till, and other victims of police brutality. Supporters of the movement consider police brutality to be a form of oppression against Black people, arguing that it is one symptom of inequalities in legal, judicial, and socioeconomic status. Advocates also believe that failure to prosecute officers for using excessive force demonstrates that Black lives are less valued than white lives. BLM has proposed defunding police, reforming law enforcement, investing in underserved communities, and holding officers accountable for racial bias and brutality. Critics believe that BLM is an unfair condemnation of law enforcement. They argue that defunding police or changing their tactics would undermine their ability to uphold the law under dangerous circumstances. Others point to Black-on-Black crime as justification for anti-Black attitudes, while dismissing or ignoring acts of violence by white people that specifically target Black people. The Blue Lives Matter (BlueLM) and All Lives Matters (ALM) slogans were adopted to reflect this pro-police stance.

Hopefully this helps someone! Remember, always have a cool head when debating ignorant others :)

I believe in you!

[jimmigmalingan]

Her Name Is Not “baby”, It’s JANET.

It’s not “Miss Jackson if you’re nasty” either, although just as iconic.

What better way to celebrate Women’s Month than to get to know a great embodiment of a strong and powerful woman. In fact, so strong and so powerful that my instinctive reaction when I first saw the invite to her journalism class was “Oh no.”

That was the G-Rated version of it actually. Nevertheless, same message. 

I barely even knew who she was or what her teaching style was going to be like. Her G-suite display picture just exuded “Oh no” energy. I mean that as a compliment.

I went straight to my friend from elementary school who shifted to Communication a year earlier than I did. I said “Do you have any tea on her?” The first thing he told me was that she had very high standards.

I like that, actually.

Back when I was in high school, which seems like very long time despite only having been a whopping three years, those were the types of teachers that I would consider my favorite ones. Ma’am Rachel from my English class, and Ma’am Elma from my Research and Biology class. Both of which actually went on to be school heads in different schools after we graduated.

I’m just here thinking to myself “God, I would’ve been excelling at her class if it isn’t for this stupid pandemic.” I clearly am not. We will get to that soon.

When we had the chance to organize an interview as a class, it invigorated me a tad bit. This is the closest I can get to having human interaction in an academic sense, but it was also my chance to have an idea or two of who ‘Janet Tibaldo’ was. Is she going to be the bane of my existence for the next four or so years or is she going to be alongside the people who I consider to be my “heroes”?

To my surprise, she’s very, well... human.

From what I’ve gathered in both of the interviews, our class’ and the other, she is a woman of strength. She is a passionate educator, a dedicated mother, and most of all, a woman of faith and devotion. In both of the interviews, she often emphasizes the importance of the “vertical relationship” in her life, and how it can have a positive effect in one’s horizontal relationships.

I do appreciate those remarks from her quite a bit, despite me having a rockier and more complex relationship with God as a queer person. I never considered myself an atheist. I do believe in God, and I believe that I am loved by God, despite knowing that people out there will try to convince me otherwise.

How could he possibly hate me when I pray to him too and he answers them just the same? It makes absolutely no sense to me.

When she said that you can fix your horizontal relationships once your vertical relationship is stable, it did strike a cord just as much as it struck a verve in me. I am trying to. It took me a while, but nevertheless I’m glad that I am here.

She often described herself as “strict”, both as a parent and an educator. It often surprises me how much bombardment my friend from elementary experiences from her subjects. The way he describes it to me sounds a bit like torture. I always took his words about her with a grain of salt. I will probably never believe him until I experience it first hand. He did say I was lucky that I shifted during online classes because she is a bit more lenient, otherwise I would’ve been dead meat.

If she was the monster that she’s painted out to be, I do understand why. It’s not like I don’t have a maternal figure or two in my life with eerily similar approaches. Like I said, she is a bit more human than what one would expect. She talked about her sleepless nights to dedicate herself onto her work, how she takes it upon herself when things go wrong, and how she said she hopes for a better and more empathetic world when I asked about her hopes for the future. To me she sounds like a person who stands her ground and knows exactly what she wants, even if it gets the best of her at times.

With that, she shared a peek of her younger days, how she spent her childhood during the Martial Law era, how newscasters on TV sparked her interest in the field of Communication, how in her college days they made do with the resources they had back then, emphasizing how lucky we are to have the technology we have now, how she was an activist back in the day. It painted a picture in my mind. Ahhh. No wonder.

There has always been ‘fire’ inside of her. A fire that lead her to be an educator today, despite having left the path of being a media practitioner.

I did think about it a couple of times. If being a visual artist doesn’t work out for me, maybe I’ll just teach. To me, it looks fun. She did say that she never thought in a million years that she would end up becoming a teacher because she thought it looked boring. According to her, lot of her family members ended up becoming teachers and she never wanted to be one of them. Maybe there’s some ugly parts of it that I don’t get to see, but it seems like a much more stable career path than visual arts, especially in a country like this.

Just from the interviews alone, you can tell that she has so much wisdom to offer in this field. That makes me all the more excited to meet her in person. If anything, there’s your proof right there that God is out there writing poetic justice for people. Maybe it was God’s way of saying “I have something better in mind for you, you just have to trust me.”

Another standout from the interviews was when she told all of us as a piece of advice that we should grab opportunities as they come. Oftentimes, the biggest regrets you have in life aren’t the things you did but the things you didn’t do. I have to admit, the main reason why this music video is taking too long to make is because of self doubt and insecurity. She’s right. I should toughen up a bit, shouldn’t I? Not only that, but there’s a lot of competitions that I found interesting in the facebook group that I just allowed to pass me by. I don’t want to blame my years in Architecture for it, because it did cause me some good. It’s just that I knew what I was running away from after years of feeling like I will never amount to anything. 

I knew that. If anything I was way bolder when I left high school, only for Architecture to beat me down. It does take someone like her to remind me of who I was then.

When I was going through my depressive episode late last year, ultimately leading me to shift to Communication, I found myself seeking refuge in the music of Janet Jackson. As a matter of fact, I shared her music to the same friend I mentioned earlier, and now he’s a fan too. We’d often joke about which Janet we were talking about in the conversation.

On one hand, we have Janet the popstar, who despite being blacklisted by Bush’s racist and misogynistic America, kept on going. She kept performing and making music for as recent as 2018, and now she’s inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. On the other, we have Janet the teacher, who keeps holding on to her faith despite all of the trials and challenges that came her way all these years.

What’s it about Janets being fiery passionate women anyway?

That actually leads me to my next point of interest.

What moved me the most about both of the interviews was her openness about her struggles with mental health, and how she refers students to seek help as well back when classes were physical. I don’t think conversations like these were possible back in the day, especially when I was a child. Apparently I didn’t have ADHD I was just an idiot, and people like me get punished for their idiocy. That was my upbringing, and it’s so refreshing to know that kids nowadays are lucky to have a ‘zeitgeist’ like this.

I was brought up for the longest time in the idea that if you show any signs of vulnerability, you are weak. It took some time for me to ‘rewire’ my brain and undo all of that...

because that is blatantly false.

If anything, for me, it further solidified how strong she was. It takes so much strength to admit that you’re human. It takes so much courage to tell yourself that you probably need help because you struggle in this aspect of your life. It is so easy to pretend that you can take everything like a champ and you don’t need anyone to help you.

The easy route was to say “I’m fine” or “I’m doing good” when asked a simple question “How are you?”, the hard route is to ask yourself that same question “How am I?” and be honest and introspective about it.

She did just that. She took the hard route.

She said she was having trouble sleeping and that she had to consult a mental heath expert for that recently, and that this pandemic made it particularly hard for her to juggle work and home matters.

I don’t think she will ever understand how a simple statement like that inspires someone like me, because what I got from that was ‘if somebody as strong and as passionate as her bleeds the same way that I do, I too can be strong like her.’

I just booked my appointment to my therapist yesterday. I haven’t seen her in quite some time now. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this, despite going there for feeling alone. Ironic, isn’t it? I feel like I’m running out of friends, and it’s starting to feel like paralysis, really.

After the interview ended, and I finished watching the interview from the other block, I couldn’t grasp the idea of this woman being taken as a monster, because the only words I could think of in association to her thus far is ‘uplifting’ and ‘inspiring’, in the same way that Ma’am Rachel was one of the people who inspired me to be a a cartoonist and Ma’am Elma inspired me to be a competitive dancer.

I had to give up three years worth of friendships to start back from scratch and to be here. I was actually so unsure if it was even worth the sacrifice, but Ma’am Janet Tibaldo, out of all people, showed me something to look forward to in this field. Based on what I’ve gathered from her, I’m up for a good time.