#as a depressed person. come on bro. you are not fooling ANYBODY

[shawnaise]

i almost know that shawn is depressed. not because he’s tired sometimes or is mildly bummed out when something not ideal happens; but because of the way he carries himself. always joking. the need to be perfect. the need to win at everything he’s a part of.

he’s this way because not joking would stop him from pushing analytical thoughts about himself into the recesses of his mind. because if he’s not perfect that means everything everyone has ever said about him is true. because if he doesn’t prevail in every aspect of his life; he’s losing. and losing isn’t an option.

but when winning isn’t an option; he loses, he loses big and losing big kills the ability to joke. and if he can’t joke, the analysis comes back; and if the analysis is back; he is nothing but what he thinks of himself. and he doesn’t think very much of himself at all. not after losing. because if he loses, every negative comment, breath shrouded insult, whisper behind closed doors, scoff, and venom spit that he has ever been on the receiving end of is true. it’s all true.

[popatochisssp]

Snips & Snails  7/7

Series: Undertale Relationship(s): Sans/Reader, Sans & Papyrus Chapter Warnings: Depression, but otherwise none

In another life, in another dream...

AO3 Link

PATIENCE (Optionally Canon, AU)

“…AND OBVIOUSLY, BRANDY WAS DEVASTATED, IT WAS HER FAVORITE ONE! I SWEAR, SHE ALMOST HAD A MELTDOWN THEN AND THERE, BUT SAPPHIRE AND I……… SANS!”

Sans jolts, his skull whipping away from the window. He tries to look like he wasn’t aimlessly cloud-gazing and…probably isn’t very successful. “yeah, Pap?”

“ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?”

Sans scoffs as if the very thought is ridiculous. “yeah. ‘course.”

Papyrus gives him A Look over the kitchen counter. “OH, REALLY?” he asks. “THEN WHAT WAS I JUST TALKING ABOUT?”

“………”

Sans has no idea.

And guiltily, he realizes that Papyrus definitely doesn’t even look surprised.

“THAT’S HOW I KNOW IT’S SERIOUS,” he says, almost to himself. “NO JOKES. NOT EVEN A PUN!”

Aw, hell.

Sans forces a grin, shooting a cheeky wink Pap’s way. “hey now, if all ya’ wanted was to hear a punch-line, i can—”

“NO, SANS, IT’S TOO LATE FOR THAT, NOW. YOU’RE ALL OUT OF SORTS, WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU?”

“…” Maybe it wasn’t too late? “nothin’, i’m just sorta hungry. what’cha makin’?”

No dice—Papyrus raises his browbones emphatically, like Sans had just proved his point.

“I DON’T KNOW, SANS,” he says with impressive sarcasm. “I SEEM TO BE SHAPING SOME MEAT HERE. IT LOOKS SOMEWHAT LIKE A LOAF. I WONDER IF THERE’S A NAME FOR SUCH A DISH, THAT I’VE BEEN STANDING HERE MAKING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU FOR TWENTY MINUTES.”

…damn it.

Sans sighs.

“alright, ya’ got me,” he reluctantly admits. “i’m…m’just a little…tired, i guess… seriously, don’t worry about it.”

“…YOU’RE REALLY GOING TO MAKE ME BRING IT UP, AREN’T YOU.”

“bring what up?”

“THAT YOU’VE BEEN ‘TIRED’ FOR MONTHS?” Papyrus wonders rhetorically. “THAT YOUR ‘NAPS’ ARE GETTING RIDICULOUS, EVEN FOR YOU? THAT THERE MIGHT BE A VERY SERIOUS THING HAPPENING HERE THAT STARTS WITH A ‘D’?”

“…phew. okay, that’s some real heavy stuff, bro, but i mean… if you really think i gotta get laid that bad…”

“YOU DO—………UGH! VULGAR!” Papyrus throws his hands up in frustration. “YOU ARE VULGAR AND THE D-WORD IS DEPRESSION, SANS, I’M WORRIED YOU’RE DEPRESSED!”

If Sans had a stomach, he thinks it’d have dropped at those words.

Or maybe twisted up in a knot. A real fancy, complicated one, too.

His discomfort must show on his skull—he really is losing it lately—because his brother sags a little, looking apologetic.

“I KNOW,” he says, “I KNOW THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE LAST THING YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT, AND THAT’S…FINE.”

It sounds a little like it physically hurts him to say that.

Naturally, Sans is wary.

“…is it?”

“YES,” Papyrus assures through gritted teeth. “BUT! IF YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK! YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!”

Sans feels a spark of emotion in his soul.

It’s faint, only a flicker, but after months of the alternative, any feeling seems welcome.

Even irritation.

“yeah, sure thing,” he quips. “i’ll just cheer up real quick, problem solved.”

“THAT’S…!” A quiet huff of breath. “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT…”

…Yeah.

Yeah, Sans knows that.

As always, Papyrus is just…trying to help his lazy slob of a brother.

And Sans is…being a total dick to him for no reason.

damn it.

“sorry, Pap…”

“DON’T APOLOGIZE. IT’S FINE.”

Of course it is. It always is, isn’t it?

Even when it’s not.

Sans just…doesn’t have it in him to argue.

“what……what is it i’m supposed to ‘do’?” he asks, trying to act like he cares.

“ANYTHING?” Papyrus tries weakly. “I… WE’RE ON THE SURFACE, SANS! THE THING OUR ENTIRE SPECIES HAS BEEN WISHING FOR, FOR…EVER!”

“yeah. s’great.”

“NOT FOR YOU,” Papyrus frowns. “AND I…I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S NOT GREAT FOR YOU.”

Sans wished he had the words to explain; the drive to explain.

(How can he be happy when there’s an inexplicable anomaly out there, randomly altering the time stream? How can he care about anything when he doesn’t know if—or more accurately, when—this timeline is going to end? Since the data’s already shown that exact thing happening, happened, going to happen again, over and over and over and over…)

(He can’t trust this. He can’t trust anything. He just wants…)

But he doesn’t have the words. He doesn’t have the drive.

And he definitely doesn’t have the hope his brother has.

So Sans just stares at the kitchen counter and doesn’t say anything.

“BUT…I DON’T NEED TO KNOW WHY.”

…Sans looks up.

“ALL I NEED TO DO…IS BE HERE! AND TO REMIND YOU I’M HERE AND THAT…WE’RE HERE, UP HERE, AFTER SO STUPIDLY LONG, AND ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE! SO YOU HAVE TO GO DO SOMETHING!” An enviable note of steely determination enters Papyrus’ voice as he continues, “PICK UP A NEW HOBBY, FIND A THERAPY GROUP, GET AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL, I DON’T CARE, JUST…SOMETHING!”

He softens just a little, adding, “I HATE WATCHING YOU JUST…GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS, SANS. I…I NEED YOU TO TRY.”

And that…

Stars above, that’s what breaks him.

Sans slumps, defeated. He finds he…can’t quite look Papyrus in the eye-socket so he turns to the window again.

The sky is blue and the clouds are fluffy and it’s…

However temporary, it is beautiful.

“alright,” he says. “i’ll…i’ll try…. somethin’.”

Sans must mean it because Papyrus looks relieved.

But more importantly, he lets the topic go and gets back to talking about the girls at his work.

And Sans can pretend for awhile that he didn’t just make a monumentally stupid promise.

Again.

He really hates it when he does that.

-

So…a hobby.

That sounds alarmingly like work and Sans has no idea where he’d even start.

Picking an entirely new skill to learn would probably require him to have an opinion and make a choice, and his only investment in…anything…right now is that his bro is a master at puppy-dog eye-sockets and Sans can’t not do the bare minimum to appease him.

Hobby’s out.

Therapy group sounds a little easier—go sit in a circle with a bunch of other sad-sacks and just talk about whatever, right…? —but in practice, maybe not.

Sans doesn’t think therapy groups exist for the shit he’s wrestling with…or maybe he’s just not looking in the right places?

‘TEMPORAL SHENANIGANS RUINING YOUR LIFE – OPEN TO IDIOTS, CRAZIES, AND GENUINE DELUSIONALS ALIKE! WEDNESDAY EVENINGS FROM 6 TO 7 IN THE LIBRARY MEETING AREA. BRING YOUR OWN TINFOIL HATS!’

Sans snorts at the thought and it’s the closest he’s come to a real laugh in longer than he cares to admit.

Papyrus is right, this is bad, even for him.

But self-help group is definitely out, too.

Which pretty much just leaves ‘emotional support animal’ on the table, lest Sans actually have to come up with an idea of his own, and pfft.

He gives the matter some thought and comes to a very profound conclusion.

When it comes right down to it…aren’t all animals emotional support animals?

Sans thinks he likes that logic.

No need to see any professionals or be diagnosed as something, or have to research trainers and qualifications and whatever other rigamarole might be involved in this The Official Way.

Regular ol’ animal shelters are a dime a dozen. He can picture at least five of the damn things scattered all around town, all equally easy to shortcut to, pick something out, go home and be done with it.

In the end, the one he decides on is entirely thoughtless. It’s a little place, one he thinks he probably spotted from the nearby park he dropped Tori and Frisk off at sometimes.

Just as good a place as any to get a pet from, he figures.

Sans shoves his hands in his pockets and strolls on in.

It’s…a ghost town.

The lobby is empty, just a bunch of visitor chairs without anybody in ‘em. It’s quiet, almost dead-silent, and if it weren’t for the distant sound of barking, he might’ve thought the place was actually abandoned.

There’s a front desk, too, with some pens and business cards, but nobody manning it. Sans cranes his neck a little and thinks he can almost see a blur of somebody disappearing into the back.

lunch break, he guesses. just my luck.

He sighs, surprising himself with a stab of annoyed frustration, and starts to turn on his heel.

Out of the corner of his eye-socket, he sees another motion blur—somebody striding purposefully past a doorway. It makes him pause long enough for the blur to double back and suddenly, he’s meeting eyes with…

You.

…Probably the roughest-looking human Sans has seen up here so far.

“Oh, hi!” you say, introducing yourself in a perfectly cheerful voice. “Can I help you with anything?”

But Sans isn’t fooled.

Not with your real feelings written all over your face.

Bags under your eyes, a tense edge to your grin, and a general vibe that just screams frazzled…

You’re busy. You have a lot of really important stuff to do right now and the last thing you want is to be detouring to help this grubby-looking skeleton that just wandered into your shelter.

welp. too bad.

“name’s sans,” he says, extending his hand. “sans the skeleton.”

You courteously reach out in return.

Sans watches your hand intently. He can’t help but notice a mark on it, angry red and alarmingly fresh—a scar?—and it almost makes him reconsider what he’s about to do…

But hey, he’s at an animal shelter. They probably wouldn’t hire dangerous, street-brawling, knife-fighting maniacs to run the place, as tense and on-edge as you might look.

He probably doesn’t need to Check you.

Your hand grasps his and Sans’ favorite melody in the world rings out in the silence of the lobby.

PFFFTTHHHBBBFFFFFFFFTTTT…!

You freeze, your eyes going wide. Time almost seems to stand still in the moment you take to process what just happened, Sans waiting for your reaction to find out the type of person you are.

He sees shock flash on your face, some confusion and maybe just a touch of embarrassment. And then…

moment of truth…

You laugh.

“Hahahaha, oh my god!” You pull back your hand to cover your mouth, like you could somehow hide the broad grin blooming across your face. “Is that a whoopie cushion?! I, haha, oh man, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of those in real life!”

Sans smiles back and quicker than he has in weeks, he quips, “wow, you poor, deprived human… that’s a shame.”

You snicker and you look…a little lighter, when you’re laughing; softer and leagues more approachable than you were just a minute ago.

Sans was way off: you’re no scary, knife-fighting maniac, just a busy, stressed out human.

One with a fantastic sense of humor, no less.

“well,” Sans drawls, pleasantly surprised, “i came here lookin’ to adopt, but it seems pretty dead. maybe it’s me.”

Undead jokes—they killed with humans every time, and you’re no exception, laughing even as you start to look a little sheepish.

“No, no, it’s…not just you,” you say apologetically. “We’re a little understaffed right now…”

Sans watches you glance over at the front desk, looking a little irritated, but you’re already smiling again when you turn back to him.

“But it’s great that you’re looking to adopt! Was there any kind of pet you had in mind, or…?”

Sans shrugs.

“was thinkin’ maybe a midsize. used is fine, but it’s gotta be good condition, probably somethin’ in a nice black or calico. classy, y’know?”

You’re already struggling not to laugh.

Sans winks at you, chuckling, “nah, m’joshin’ ya’, i don’t have anything in mind. any chance you could just show me around? see if anything tickles my cat fancy?”

“Pfft…! Yeah,” you say, “I think we can accommodate that! Come on back with me, I’ll show you some of our inmates.”

You lead the way and Sans follows after you.

The room you bring him to is lined wall-to-wall with cats—dozens of big eyes in fluffy little faces peering out at him—and stars above, they’re all so friggin’ cute.

A grumpy-looking orange one yowls when it catches him looking at it and Sans scoffs.

“‘innocent,’” he says, rolling his eye-lights, “i bet. that’s what they all say. nice try, pal.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you spoke cat,” you reply, sounding delighted.

And of course, what else can Sans say to that except, “you kitten? m’fluent.”

Your smile is wide and amused and Sans can’t quite remember the last time he had such a good audience.

…Or the last time he cared about having one.

“Feel free to check out the merchandise,” you invite with a playful sweep of your arm. “If you want to spring anybody for some playtime, just let me know.”

Sans dutifully surveys the room of future feline friends under your encouraging gaze.

There’s fat cats and skinny cats, fluffy cats and sleek cats, young ones and old ones all in a fuzzy rainbow of colors.

He talks to a couple, pokes at some ears and paws (and only gets bapped for his audacity once), scratches a chin or two…

But really…

Sans’ metaphorical heart isn’t in it.

Much as his mood’s improved since walking into this place, he’s…he’s still really only here because of Papyrus.

And he doesn’t even feel up to lying about it.

“mmm, sorry to say nobody’s sticking out,” he admits to you with a half-hearted grimace. “y’see…m’kinda just lookin’ for my brother? so, uh…not a lotta strong feelings on this, y’know?”

…Or on much of anything else, for that matter.

Sans weighs the merits of throwing in a quick joke about being ‘dead on the inside, too,’ but decides against it. You don’t seem like the type to appreciate a joke quite that nihilist and there’s no point bringing down your nice mood.

He scratches at his cheek, forcefully injecting some humor into his tone to ask, “i don’t suppose you’d have any expert recommendations, huh?”

Sans isn’t expecting you to actually consider it, or the look of cautious hope that crosses your face.

“Is…is your brother a cat-person, too, or…would a dog be an option?”

“sure,” Sans decides after a moment. “Pap loves dogs.”

It wasn’t a complete lie: it was really just the one dog Papyrus hated, and if Sans managed to come home with an animal of similar temperament, then…

Maybe it’d serve his meddling brother right, trying to force Sans to take care of his mental health.

“Great!” you chirp, heading towards the door. “I think I’ve got just the guy. I’ll take you to the playroom and bring him out for you!”

Your enthusiasm is…odd.

Sans can’t quite put his phalange on why yet, but in a weird way, it’s also kinda…catching.

He’ll give you one thing—he’s definitely intrigued, now.

In short order, you lead him to a big open room full of worn and colorful toys and disappear for a couple minutes.

When you return, you’re holding the leash of a scruffy mop of black and white with a smile almost as winning as yours.

“This is Oreo!” you proclaim as the dog all but trots up to Sans.

He’s a good-looking little fella, with ice-blue eyes and one ear at a jauntily crooked angle, and between his sprightly grin and his wagging tail Sans would bet dollars to donuts that he’s nothing less than a lovable goof.

A perfect fit for their home.

Sans has to wonder for a second if you’d done a cold-read on him or if you were just that good at matchmaking after however long you’d worked at this place.

Sans grins, holding his hand out in invitation. “hey, oreo, what’s cookie’n?”

Oreo happily approaches…and completely bypasses Sans’ hand, dropping his head to snuffle at his slippers instead.

“pfft… ya’ missed, pal.”

Your laughter rings out again. “Yeah,” you say, “he, uh…he just sorta does that? I think it’s how he says ‘hi’ to people.”

“ah,” Sans says, like you’ve explained everything, “language barrier. i don’t speak dog, just cat.”

Oreo eventually finishes his greeting ritual and Sans gives it another shot, reaching out to give the guy a pat on the head.

Oreo’s ears flick back and he ducks away.

Before he can even ask, you’re reaching out to hold the dog and awkwardly explaining, “Oh, that’s…he doesn’t…really like it when people touch his face, he… he kinda only lets me do it so far, but it’s…he’s got a lot of other great petting-spots that he does like!”

……

You’re holding something back.

Sans can see it all over your face, plain as day: that reaction meant something and you don’t want him to know what it is.

He didn’t get saddled with Judgeship ‘cause he was in the habit of letting people pull the wool over his eye-sockets. He’s paying extra attention to you now, every inflection and micro-expression you give him.

You take a knee beside Oreo—making the two of you the same size—and start to scratch at the scruff of his shoulders.

“This is his favorite spot for scratching,” you say, quickly like you’re trying to get control of the conversation.

Your petting fluffs Oreo’s fur all up and gets his tail wagging again. He’s a cute dog but he looks even cuter when he’s smiling, with his tongue lolling out of his mouth like a dumb, happy pup.

Totally harmless.

“Now, we’re not totally sure what breed he is, but we think he has some hound-blood in there somewhere because he’s big on sniffing—but I don’t have to tell you that, obviously!”

You laugh a little, lightly, and Sans knows a fake when he hears one.

You keep talking, enumerating Oreo’s apparently many merits—smart, a fast learner, great at fetch, et cetera, et cetera—and it’s all just as suspicious as everything else, but what finally makes it click in Sans’ skull isn’t your words at all.

It’s the way you’re holding the dog.

You’re angling yourself ever so slightly away from Sans, gesturing with one hand like you’re trying to draw his attention to it while the other is tucked firmly out of sight.

You probably don’t even realize you’re doing it; pure guilty instinct giving you away.

Unfortunately for you, Sans still remembers the mark he saw on your hand before—the very recent scar.

And Sans knows what you’re trying to hide.

“…and as far as noise goes, he’s usually pretty quiet, I guess he’s just not much of a barker—”

“i’m guessin’ his bite might be a little worse…right?”

You freeze.

“I…how did…?”

You seem to give up on the question at the same time as you give up on your lie.

You crumple guiltily, pulling your hand in to your chest and stroking at the raw-looking mark.

“You’re…you’re right,” you admit reluctantly, “there was…an incident…but! It was just the one! Oreo’s a good boy, it wasn’t his fault! He was…” You look visibly distressed as you try to explain, “He was in really bad shape when we got him in, he couldn’t even see, it’s not like it was…on purpose… He’s not bad, he’s just…just…”

Sans raises his browbones as you cut yourself off, your jaw shutting with a nearly-audible click. Your cheeks are coloring and your eyes are abruptly glued to the floor as you take a deep breath and let it out through your nose.

You think you’ve said too much.

“I’m sorry,” you say after that pause, “you’re completely right. That’s a definite drawback for a pet. You have every right to know the behavioral history of an animal that you’d be bringing into your home. I should’ve led with that.”

…oh.

Sans… doesn’t think he likes this new tone in your voice?

Suddenly, he feels like he’s A Client Being Pacified, like you’ve physically stepped away from him in an attempt to be professional.

That stiff set of your shoulders is back, too, and your smile is gone—the work of his jokes already undone in just a few short words.

He really doesn’t think he likes that.

But you’re already looping Oreo’s lead around your hand, coaxing the dog up and around to leave with you.

“If you’ll wait here a little longer,” you say, “I can bring out a more…suitable candidate.”

It’s pure impulse.

Sans can’t explain it any other way except that watching you turn and walk away from him, looking like the epitome of defeat, makes him feel like…

Like he has to do something.

Sans Checks you.

With a flare of his magic, his vision sharpens, extends beyond the moment and into a theoretical Encounter.

Across your back, he sees your name, your total lack of LV and EXP, and…

The brightest, most beautiful Justice soul he’s ever seen.

It’s glowing, shining, blazing like a miniature sun and Sans is stunned for a moment by how utterly gorgeous he finds it.

It’s only when he tears his eye-lights away from it, though, that he sees the words below your stats—the truth of your very soul in this one moment.

* Just wants everything to turn out okay.

………

aw jeez… don’t we all…?

“hey,” Sans calls, stopping you in your tracks, “wait a minute.”

You turn, confused, with Oreo paused at your heels.

“i, uh…i never said this lil creaminal was a ‘no.’ bring ‘im back over here a sec, i didn’t even get a chance to meet the guy.”

His joke was lackluster at best. Terrible delivery, the kind of thing Papyrus would groan at him over and not even smile for.

…But you look happy, and Sans is… pretty sure it had nothing to do with the pun.

He’s not used to making people happy when it’s not ‘cause of a joke. It’s nice.

Sans decides not to examine that thought and when Oreo bounces back over with you, he gets down onto the floor to meet him, eye-to-eye-socket.

Oreo’s whirlwind wagging tail is his only warning before he’s nearly knocked off balance by the sudden excited animal in his personal space.

Sans can’t help but laugh as a wet nose and tickly whiskers are rubbed all over his skull, sniffing him within an inch of his life. He tries to gently shove the beast back a step and only gets a face-lick or two for his trouble.

Oh yeah…this guy was a lover, not a fighter.

Sans snickers when Oreo finally loses interest in his skull and starts nibbling the sleeve of his hoodie.

“hey, cujo,” he chides, “you’re all mixed up. s’the bones you’re supposed to chew on, not the sleeve.” He turns to you, expectantly. “thought you said this guy was smart?”

“He’s…he’s doing his best,” you say.

You’re laughing again, looking even happier than you were before. It’s a good look on you.

…and it’s contagious.

Of all the real, genuine emotions Sans expected to feel anytime soon, happiness was the last on his list.

“alright, how much?” he finds himself blurting out.

You look startled, so he continues.

“might as well take this guy off your hands for ya’,” he says, as casually as he can fake. “he seems like a decent enough pooch and, uh…i reallydon’t wanna shop around. lotta work, y’know?”

“R…right! I hear you, it’s a total pain in the ass.” Your smile takes a turn for the tentative as you pose, “Or, I guess…a pain in the coccyx for you…right?”

…oh my god.

“snrk…that’d be a fair assumption,” he assures you and watches as you giggle almost helplessly in response.

You’re adorable. You’re hilariously adorable and Sans feels like a king for being the one to get you to tell such a dumb skeleton joke.

If the frazzled look of you when he first walked in was any indication, you’re somebody who could really use some more joking in their life.

Either way, Sans lets you hand him Oreo’s leash and follows you as you practically skip back up to the lobby with him to get the paperwork.

It’s still just the two of you there and as you start rummaging around at the front desk, Sans looks down into Oreo’s pale blue eyes.

He doesn’t know what the hell’s come over him.

He’s never been this impulsive, this reckless, not in his whole life: he’s adopting this…random dog and it’s probably fifty percent convenience, but the other fifty is because he knows it’ll make you happy.

You, some tired, stressed out human he just met.

Sans tries to ask himself why he’s doing this, but the only thing even close to an answer that he comes up with is…

The way your soul gleamed when he Checked you.

Before yours, the only human soul he’d ever bothered to Check was Frisk’s, a bold and blaring red—Determined—that spoke of strength and raw power, the equivalent of the entirety of monsterkind.

Sans thinks he never realized how much seeing it—a child with a soul a million times more motivated and dedicated than he could ever be—may have disheartened him.

What could he ever do against a soul that strong? How was he supposed to just…live…in a world full of souls that strong? Capable of who knows what?

He never conclusively figured out the cause of the time anomalies. It could be anyone, anything; monsters could still end up back Underground at any time, no matter how many years they’d been up here, and if the thing that did it turned out to be as strong as Frisk…

why even bother?

But…you.

You and your soul…

You’re not Determined. You’re not oozing raw power, trying to be a hero and save the world.

You’re somebody who’s just…doing their best, trying to get by, wanting things to turn out okay.

what a fuckin’ mood.

Sans gets that. He feels like he’d probably get you, if the two of you ever had a real conversation, and it’s not like that’d make him feel better about Temporal Shenanigans, but…

He wants to.

He actually kinda wants to talk to you and get to know you—to figure out who you are beyond what he just Saw— and that’s an urge he hasn’t felt for years.

That’s probably why, as he’s scrawling his name and number on the form you handed him, he looks up and asks you, “so where’s the section where you write your number?”

You look at him with wide eyes. “My n……what, like…as a……as a dating thing, or…?”

As cute funny as your bashful expression is, that’s way too fast, even for Weird Impulsive Sans.

“nah,” he chuckles gently, “i just figured you might wanna keep in touch. y’know, get updates on your son an’ stuff.”

That surprises a smile out of you. “Pfft, ‘my son’?” you echo. “Since when is Oreo my son?”

“uhh, since always?” Sans says, as if you’re the weirdo. “ya’ don’t get to pick your family.”

You stare at him blankly. “You…literally just picked him? To be your family?”

Sans just waves you off. “hey, hey, hey now, let’s not bring logic into this.”

You laugh—that delightful sound that Sans has probably spent half his life chasing—and he must’ve really caught you off-guard with that one because somewhere in your laughter, you snort.

It’s an ugly sound and you look a little embarrassed to have made it, but Sans’ eye-lights contract, his soul thrumming with a new sort of energy.

oh, hot damn.

“okay, uh…for the record, a date might not be…totally out of the question.” Sans feels his magic flushing across his cheekbones and clears the throat he doesn’t have. “later. obviously. if, uh. if it works out that way. eheheheh, no…no need to rush stuff…right?”

He’s relieved when you smile, like you like the idea of that as much as he does.

“Right! Yeah, definitely!”

You spare a second to rustle around looking for some spare paper—Sans assumes to write your number on—but before you can find anything, the front door opens behind him with a little jingle.

Ah, well, you’re gonna need to pay attention to the new guy coming in. You’re still on the clock, after all, and Sans would hate to hold up somebody who was actually trying to get some work done.

“don’t worry about it,” he tells you, taking a step back. “ya’ got my number already: you text me if ya’ wanna.”

It takes you a second to process what he said, but then you’re agreeing, “Oh, right, yeah, if…if you’re sure!”

“pawsitive,” he winks. “i’m sure you wanted to hear more of my hilarious jokes, but don’t terrierself up about it. m’feelin’ a lot of petential here. text me whenever.”

And on the heels of your snickering, with naught but a pair of playful finger-guns, Sans leaves the shelter with his brand new dog.

-

He ends up taking the long way home.

It’s more walking, but Oreo gets the chance to soak up some sun and sniff some stuff, and nobody ever said he had to walk fast.

The fluffy goofball has his nose crammed into a bush by the time Sans very flatly tells him, “ya’ don’t look like an ‘oreo,’ buddy.”

The dog does not seem to care about his judgment in the slightest.

But…he is Sans’ dog, now.

He doesn’t have to be ‘Oreo.’

He’s not stuck at the shelter, he can……he can be anything. He can do anything. The possibilities are actually…kinda endless.

Sans isn’t entirely sure he’s still thinking about the dog.

But when his phone buzzes just an hour or two later, with a message from a mystery number and your name in the text, he finds himself smiling at it.

me, from the shelter: Hey, it’s me, from the shelter! How’s Oreo settling in?

sans: [IMG-1]

sans: he’s great, but i went ahead and renamed your son for ya, he doesn’t answer to oreo anymore. sorry, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

me, from the shelter: Haha okay, so who is he now, then?

sans: same thing you are—my new Buddy. ;)

me, from the shelter: LOL, it suits him, nice choice! :D

Looking at your little smiley face on his phone, Sans thinks that he actually feels…hopeful, somehow.

‘ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE,’ Pap had said and…maybe he wasn’t wrong?

It definitely feels true about you.

Maybe you will end up just being Sans’ buddy, or maybe you’ll be something more. He certainly has no way of knowing and suddenly, that seems exciting instead of demotivational.

Either way…

He can’t wait to drag you by Grillby’s sometime for a lunch break. If anybody could use some good food and bad laughs, it seems like it’d probably be you.

Sans wonders what your opinion is on grease…?

Canon AU, post-pacifist ending of Fur a Good Time, Call…

You work at an animal shelter. You love all your fuzzy buddies but the work is hard and often gross, and you've been at it for years without much help from your coworkers. You've got a lot of love to give, but you're headed for a burnout and fast!

But maybe the weird, funny monster who just adopted your favorite dog can help you remember how to relax...or at least how to laugh again!

A/N: This is a purely hypothetical scenario--I don't consider it canon to FGTC-- but if you'd like to know your options for how to place this chapter:

Option 1: This is a What-If that never came to be.

Option 2: Frisk figured out how to RESET again and redid the pacifist route.

Option 3: This is what happened on their first pacifist route and when they RESET to experiment with other endings, FGTC happened and they got stuck-- per Chapter 3 of this.

Option 4: This is a completely separate multiverse, happening concurrently with FGTC, and they both exist!

Up to you to choose your favorite! :3

Prev Chapter

[twentyonepilotsficlibrary]

Miscellaneous Fandoms Fic Rec Masterlist

This is something new we’re trying out. In our admin group chat we all started talking about our other fandoms/pairings we read and thought it might be fun to share some of our favorite fics. 

I know not everyone will be into this idea but i think it’s easily ignored if it’s not your cup of tea. Otherwise we hope you enjoy this mess of fics, maybe you’ll find yourself a new pairing, or maybe you’ll get inspired to write Joshler. 

we hope you enjoy!��

**this will be a long post**

Madi’s recs

Teen Wolf - Sterek (Stiles Stilinski & Derek Hale)

Cornerstone by Vendelin (6/6 | 83738 | Explicit)

Suffering from PTSD, ex-Marine Derek Hale moves back to Beacon Hills to open a bookshop and find a calmer life. That’s where he meets Stiles, completely by accident. Stiles is talkative, charming and curious. Somehow, despite the fact that he’s blind, he’s able to read Derek like no one else.

//PTSD //anxiety attacks 

No Homo by orphan_account (12/12 | 84092 | Explicit)

Stiles' sophomore year starts something like this: 3 FourLokos + 1 peer-pressuring cat - 1 best bro to end all best bros = 1 Craigslist ad headline that reads "str8 dude - m4m - strictly platonic". Derek is the fool who replies.

//internalized homophobia 

We Got Claws by Onlymystory (15/15 | 34914 | Mature)

Peter, Isaac, and Scott get de-aged. Stiles and Derek take care of them.

Harry Potter - Drarry (Harry Potter & Draco Malfoy)

Open For Repairs by FeelsForBreakfast (1/1 | 34901 | Mature)

After the war, Draco works at a tv repair shop and Harry breaks things.

feat. sad boys in jumpers and more ABBA than is probably necessary

There's a Pure-Blood Custom For That byLomonaaeren (36/36 | 105549 | Mature) 

The day that Harry stops Draco Malfoy and his son from being bothered in the middle of Diagon Alley starts a strange series of interactions between him and Malfoy. Who knew there was a pure-blood custom for every situation?

Transfigurations by Resonant (1/1 | 71284 | Explicit)

Five years after Voldemort's defeat, Harry returns to England to help re-open Hogwarts.

//major character death 

IT - Reddie (Richie Tozier & Eddie Kaspbrak)

Yours Truly by Buttercup12 (14/14 | 51414 | Mature)

Eddie Kaspbrak has it bad. He’s bullied for being a tiny, delicate, hypochondriac boy. He’s also bullied for being very, very, very gay. Long story short, his life isn’t the easiest.

However, that’s all a piece of cake when compared to his gigantic, pathetic crush on Derry High’s most popular and oh so very straight Trashmouth, Richie Tozier.

Richie has no idea he even exists.

Right?

Wrong.

ugly moon by weepies (27/27 | 79482 | Teen and Up)

Richie Tozier hasn’t spoken a word to anybody since he came to Derry in the middle of the school year. Until he talks to Eddie Kaspbrak.

//abuse mention

----------------------

Christie’s recs

Harry Potter - Drarry (Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter)

Turn by Saras_Girl (14/14 | 306,708 | Explicit)

One good turn always deserves another. Apparently.

All Our Secrets Laid Bare by firethesound (16/16 | 149,549 | Explicit)

Over the six years Draco Malfoy has been an Auror, four of his partners have turned up dead. Harry Potter is assigned as his newest partner to investigate just what is going on.

South Park - Creek (Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak)

Do Not Try This At Home by Marasa (6/? | 32,100 | Mature)

A post is made that night detailing the rules of their arrangement:

• Video must be taken of the event.

• Video must be uploaded.

• Turns will be taken; after one group uploads, the other must upload as answer to the original post. This ensures equal stunts and higher expectations with each stunt.

• Don’t half-ass it; this is a fucking competition!

//depression //anxiety //past abuse //drug use

The Roommate by DoAsYouWill (27/? | 277,882 | Mature)

Craig is off to college, where he is introduced to the weirdest person he's ever met. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, (Craig can't decide), that weirdest person is his roommate.

Just your typical cliche 'meet as roommates' story, but with a lot of nostalgic undertones.

Deadpool - Cablepool (Wade Wilson/Nathan Summers)

Incognito by CQHD (Comet_Kohoutek) (2/2 | 5,810 | Explicit)

Deadpool introduces Cable to porn.

The video, Deadpool realises belatedly, is way too quiet. There's no cheesy bass line that gets stuck in his head and makes him feel each pulse in his dick. There's just the soft rustling of clothes against skin as the man strips. It's got an aesthetic to it, but it doesn't stop Deadpool from hearing the catch in Cable's breath once the man steps out of his underwear and crawls on to the desk. 

Toaster by edy (1/1 | 3,339 | Mature)

If someone were to strap you in and measure your heart rate, it wouldn't be a surprise to anyone to find it'd be beating in time with his own heart. The notion is meant to be romantic, as is customary in romances, and you think it might be romantic if an uneven heart rate wasn't a sign of a serious health condition.

//suicidal thoughts 

----------------------

Sydney’s Recs

South Park 

Do Not Try This At Home by Marasa (6/? || 32,100 || Mature)

A post is made that night detailing the rules of their arrangement:

• Video must be taken of the event.

• Video must be uploaded.

• Turns will be taken; after one group uploads, the other must upload as answer to the original post. This ensures equal stunts and higher expectations with each stunt.

• Don’t half-ass it; this is a fucking competition!

// depression, anxiety, past abuse, drug use

A Perfect Love Like Craig and Tweek by ugandadistrict9 (1/1 || 3,783 || Teen and Up Audiences)

Tweek and Craig have been close for a few years, and everyone says that they’re dating, but Craig has neither confirmed or denied it. Tweek has developed strong feelings for Craig over the time, but is worried that Craig doesn’t feel the same way he does.

Homicidal Maniac by Maroonedpunk (3/3 || 17,654 || Teen and Up Audiences)

They called him a homicidal maniac for years.

Then came the allegations against the coffee shop.

Tweek can’t do this by himself.

// depression, anxiety, drug use, mental illness

Spirit Animals by hollycomb (1/1 || 22,191 || Not Rated)

Cartman wants to film his amateur ghost hunting show at the site of the grisly McCormick massacre. Stan hates the idea but he can’t stay away, because Kyle will be there.

✓✓ Read by Boyue (16/16 || 65,196 || Teem and Up Audiences)

WENDY Nice picture but you have the wrong number.

AKA how Stan Marsh met Kyle Broflovski through a dick pic mishap.

// depression, alcoholism, derogatory language

Detriot: Become Human (Gavid Reed/RK900)

Chrysopoeian Heart by feistymuffin (6/? || 22,826 || Explicit)

Chrysopoeia - the act of transmuting a substance into gold

Gavin doesn’t like androids… but then again, nothing’s written in stone.

// graphic depictions of violence

Still by Terminallydepraved (1/1 || 4,277 || Explicit)

Sometimes it takes someone else nearly dying to make you realize the important things.

Life sucks, but in a beautiful kind of way by ConsultingStag (5/6 || 7701 || Mature)

Gavin stares at RK900 and regrets it immediately as its gray gaze bores into him. LED spinning yellow. Dissecting what happened. Analyzing the clues in front of it. And then a perfectly fake eyebrow lifts and equally fake lips twitch into a tiny smirk and Gavin knows that he is fucked. 

----------------------

Cade’s Recs 

Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia - Macdennis (Mac/Dennis Reynolds)

a beachfront of bad blood by castielanderson (1/1 | 28,366 | Mature)

or alternatively “Dennis Tries to Kill Himself: MacDennis Remix” Originally for the 2017 MacDennis Big Bang, but alas

.

They don’t have a falling out so much as a slowly drifting apart.  Being a dad makes Dennis tired, so tired sometimes he feels like he might never have energy again, and that means that he stops checking in with Mac as often.  Eventually, they stop talking.  Mac gets a boyfriend.  Dennis stops taking his medication.

After Dennis attempts suicide, Mandy insists he return to Philadelphia with the gang, and she will follow with Brian Jr. when she can.  Faced with an unwanted recovery, a failed family, and feelings he would rather ignore, Dennis is forced to navigate uncharted waters within himself and within his relationship with Mac.

//rape/non-con //suicide attempt //self-harm //eating disorders //depression

Fullmetal Alchemist - Royed (Edward Elric/Roy Mustang)

Reverti Ad Praeteritum by Batsutousai (30/30 | 288,908 | Mature)

Unwillingly forced to serve as a human trial for a crazy alchemist experimenting with time travel, Edward Elric finds himself standing across from Truth in the moment it takes his leg from him. Armed with the knowledge of what's to come and burdened with guilt for the choices he'd made as an adult, Ed sets out to fix every mistake he ever made and save every life they ever lost, no matter what it takes.

//underage //implied/referenced dubious consent //violence 

Know the Difference by ShanaStoryteller (1/1 | 9,083 | Teen)

“You’ve heard the rumors,” Mustang says, looking at Ed over the top of his latest report, “about the angels.”

Ed scoffs and rolls his eyes, “Angels don’t exist, don’t be ridiculous.”

“Of course, of course,” he murmurs, gaze sliding back down, “There have been multiple eye witness accounts, however.”

Ed slouches into the chair and doesn’t bother to keep the contempt to from his voice when he says, “Don’t depend on anything with wings to save you. Things that were made to leave always end up doing so, in the end.”

“Yes, well,” he says, “sometimes they come back.”

a terrifying clamour of trumpets by ShanaStoryteller (1/1 | 12,194 | Teen)

Edward grabs Marcoh’s arm and says, “That stone – what can it heal, exactly?”

The old man’s eyebrows rise to his forehead, and he looks like he already knows the answer when he goes, “Why do you ask, Edward?”

There's no metallic footsteps so there’s no way Al’s close enough to hear them. “I’m sick,” he admits after another moment of deliberation.

The Codeine Scene by Xyriath (31/31 | 111,257 | Explicit)

After finding himself entangled with King Bradley's gang of criminals and no way out, Roy Mustang must struggle between balancing his morals and the need to keep himself alive. He walks a thin rope, and a chance meeting of a young man, addicted to drugs and forced into prostitution, complicates matters further. By all rights, he should consider Edward to be collateral damage, an unfortunate bystander in his already difficult situation, but this is one person Roy soon finds he can't leave behind.

//rape/non-con //forced prostitution //drug addiction //mentions of suicide //mentions of depression 

Fullmetal Alchemist - Edling (Edward Elric/Ling Yao)

Nothing Gold by Rydia (ungarmax) (1/1 | 22,219 | Teen)

Ling has gained immortality. Ed has not.

//major character death

----------------------

Bard’s Recs

Bastille - Dyle (Dan Smith/Kyle Simmons)

and in the morning you'll be stranded in love (it goes around and around)by brujay (1/1 | 15,717 | Teen)

“Have you seen Groundhog Day?”

Kyle took a moment before replying. “I have… what exactly are you trying to say, here?”

Dan sighed again. “I think I’m living it.” Dan gets trapped in a time loop, and he is not having a good time.

//panic attacks

argonautica orpheus by trailsofpaper (Sanwall) (note: it is private, you can only read if you have an account but it’s too good to not share) (6/6 | 17,478 | M)

Kyle, like Jason on the Argos, sets out on a journey to retrieve something important but, more importantly, he finds love along the way. Dan, unlike Orpheus, doesn’t look back.

(Dan and Kyle are flatmates in Leeds, but when Kyle wrecks his keyboard a week before he and Dan are about to enter a competition, they need to go to London to get another keyboard. Complications and even shenanigans ensue.)

Harry Potter - Drarry (Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter)

He Who Must Not Be Normal by lettered (1/1 | 40,913 | Explicit)

Potter has fame and fortune and posh clothes and all he wants is a simple life. Draco has a flat and a cat and a steady job and all he wants is a complicated life. Which makes you think this story has something exciting like body-swapping, but it doesn’t. Instead it has Indian takeaway and a blue jumper and people wanting a whole lot of what they can’t have, discovering themselves as they discover each other.

All Life is Yours to Miss by Saras_Girl (4/4 | 114,741 | M)

Professor Malfoy's world is contained, controlled, and as solitary as he can make it, but when an act of petty revenge goes horribly awry, he and his trusty six-legged friend are thrown into Hogwarts life at the deep end and must learn to live, love and let go.

Buzzfeed Unsolved - Shyan (Shane Madej/Ryan Bergara)

i think i'm still turning out by the_tenerife_sea (1/1 | 6,325 | General)

Shane is starting to think Ryan is using him for his baby, considering how much he’s already talked her up to all of their coworkers and friends. ____

Or the one where Shane is a new parent, and Ryan is always there for him (and his daughter, of course).

[mona-rei-is-not-okay]

Heya. I'm the sibling asker ! H/s = honorary sibling. Hope you're doing fine

i love deep friendship gimme gimme

and there are NO MAYBES YOU WILL HAVE THE BONUS BOY ALWAYS especially with cute asks like these omg i love

i don’t know too much about MT!Paps though, so i’m sorry if my interpretation is a lil wonky. also h/s is teen, sorry if it isn’t apparent

UF!Sans: He’s really concerned about your low mood spell, but isn’t really sure what to do about it. As much as he relates to your apparent anxieties, he doesn’t know what to do to make you feel better. He’s not usually good at comforting words. What he will do is check in a lot. Make sure you’re generally doin okay and have everything you need. Again, if you need to vent, he’ll listen.

But he really doesn’t get why the cuddles make such a difference. Sure, he’s become a bit of a cuddlebug himself, but the way you completely relax like that? Unnatural. Especially since it’s the only thing that seems to be cheering you up. But then again, who is he to question what works? He won’t exactly cling to you from then on, but he’ll start following you around the house a bit more, snagging every cuddle opportunity. It’s still a little weird, but it’s a lot better than seeing his kid sibling all skittish. Eventually though, curiosity gets the better of him, and he just has to ask.

And your answer?

Congratulations, you have floored your big bro. Beet red in the face. Absolutely no composure. What did he do to deserve your trust?? Why are you so sweet?? Aaaaaah?!? He pets your head and tries not to let you hear his wheezing, but it’s obvious, he’s really moved and has no idea how to deal with it.

“h-heh… watch where yer aimin’ that sweetness, kiddo… i’m gettin’ a toothache… jeez…”

Anyway, was he tailing you before? Welp, now he’s become your guard dog. It doesn’t matter where you’re going, he’s comin’ with you.He’ll always be by your side, gently holding your arm and keeping his head on a swivel for shifty characters. If you ever need to navigate a crowd or a tight space, he’ll usher you behind him and get you to grab the fluff of his hood while he leads the way. He can’t exactly follow you to school, but he’ll shortcut to walk you between classes if you let him. Your teachers hate him. He’ll stop following you everywhere if you fend him off with a stick, but until your mood improves… well, he’s your personal escort now, deal with it

UF!Papyrus: He’s always wanted a little sibling. He loves helping people, and shows love through physical care.He’s a bit of a mother hen. It’s part of why he took in his cat, Doomfanger. To him, you are an absolute blessing.

So he’s already got some huge maternal instincts, but your mood has got him sent into overdrive. He’ll always be asking you if you need anything, fixing you comfort snacks, asking if you need help with homework, doing a chore or cleaning a room so you don’t have to. It might feel naggy or get a little overwhelming, and he’ll dial it back if you tell him to, but his first instinct will always be to take care of possible stress sources directly. It helps him feel better, too.

So when you settle down to cuddle and just… completely deflate, he asks about it immediately. He must know. He must help.

And when you answer…

His face is deep maroon. If anybody else had said that, he would have dismissed it. But coming from you? Wowie. He feels like he’s succeeded as a caretaker. He’s about ready to squeal with joy, but he contains himself. Smiling from ear to nonexistent ear, he loops an arm behind you and pulls you closer. He tries to mask his joy with a confident air, but the grin betrays him.

“WELL! THAT’S… PERFECTLY NATURAL!! AS THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS HAS TAKEN YOU UNDER HIS PROTECTION!!!”

From then on, every time he starts an activity or chore, you’re invited. Help him put away groceries! Help him do laundry! Help him cook! Also, if you accompany him on errands, hand-holding is required.

“I HAVE TO KEEP TRACK OF YOU SOMEHOW! STOP GIGGLING!”

He just wants to make sure you feel safe. Even if it means walking you to and from school, fixing you lunches with positive sticky notes in the bag, and taking you with him everywhere he goes. It’s not cute!

MT!Sans: He’s not around as much as either of you would like, but he knows you’re feeling down. He remembers seeing his brother with such a similar look on his face. Young fool that Sans was, he started taking him with on small jobs to keep him company. And now Pappy deals in some of the same dirty business he does. He’s promised himself not to make the same mistake with you.

He does his best to help you take it in stride while he’s around, but he knows there’s only so much he can do. He feels a twinge of guilt every time he has to leave you in that state. He knows it probably doesn’t have much to do with him, but he feels responsible. Maybe if he were around more, or even just in a safer profession, you wouldn’t seem so worried all the time.

Cuddles are solace for both of you. He gets to relax and feel like he’s doing something, and you don’t seem half as rigid. Smiles all around! He already sort of knows why you relax so easily in his arms, or thinks he does, but he feels he should still make sure.

And…

Well, he didn’t know what he was expecting, but he can’t keep his grin from widening a touch. You’re the light of his life, you know that? Honestly, what did he do to deserve you? But the guilt sets back in. No wonder you’ve been feeling down… he’s been particularly busy lately, and he really should make more time for you. And if you didn’t normally feel safe, whose fault is that? Well… nobody feels safe in this part of town.

“well…” He’ll plant a small kiss on the top of your head. “take it easy, kiddo. i promise, someday, we’ll all get the hell outta here.”

He’ll get somebody to watch the house while he’s gone. He knows he can’t be there all the time, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t know you aren’t safe. He’ll call you more often to check in, too. Also… he’ll start putting a little extra away, start saving for a little vacation. Maybe some time out of town will do all of you some good. You’re family, and he’ll take care of you no matter the risk or cost.

MT!Papyrus: He’s around more than Sans is, thankfully. He sticks around to fix you meals and offer cuddles and make sure the house is safe. It’s given him plenty of time to notice one of his favorite siblings’ low mood.

He does his best to help out in indirect ways, checking the house for wires and cameras and sweeping the perimeter every so often. He knows this helps with his brother sometimes, when he gets paranoid. But he isn’t sure that’s your problem. He feels a little lost, but is upbeat as ever. He has to set a good example after all.

He most likely won’t ask about the cuddles for a while. He’s more concerned with what more he can do to make you comfortable, and if this works, it works. Besides- openly nosy folk are seldom rewarded in his line of business. Eventually though, he’ll push back the instinct. He trusts you, and this could make a lot of difference in helping you cheer up.

And when you tell him…

He’s beaming at you with such genuine joy, he looks like he might just start crying. Just… wowie! He doesn’t really understand why you’d feel that way, he’s only decent in crisis situations, but the fact that you really trust him that much? Well, it’s not something he gets a lot of. He must be doing something right if you feel this way.

He’ll rest his chin on your head and give you a hearty squeeze. “WELL! I SUPPOSE!! YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO STAY IN THIS HUG!!! FOREVER!!!!”

He won’t move for a while, get used to him, he lives there now. From then on, he’ll start taking every opportunity to come home early and see you. He’ll ask you to cook with him, he’ll ask you to read to him, he’d even try to sneak you with him on jobs if Sans didn’t always seem to stop you. He tries to be around the house more in general, he wants his little sibling to know that he’s always around if you need him.

HT!Sans: He understands your mood all too well. He’s been through plenty of periods of fear and depressive episodes in his day, and he knows how it feels. Sometime he feels like the only way he can perceive the world is either through an all-consuming fog or with painful knife-point precision. But it’s hard for him to think back to what he wanted during more desperate times. Food? Safety? He’s pretty sure you’ve got those covered already. Maybe your head just acts up a little sometimes, like his.

He’ll make sure you have everything you need, regardless. You hungry? Tired? He’ll take care of it, just you relax. If you need to talk, he may not understand or remember everything you say, but he’ll do his best to offer comfort.

It doesn’t quite register how much you relax when you cuddle him, not for a while. He can be a little slow sometimes. He’ll get it eventually though, and he’ll ask about it. This seems important, had he asked before?

And what you tell him…

It almost brings a tear to his eye. He may have a trauma-induced forgetful streak, but he remembers a lot of things. He remembers a lot of nasty, horrible things. He remembers the taste of human flesh. He remembers the strain of keeping his guard up at all times. He remembers watching his brother slip away.

But you? You’ve been his second chance. You gave him the opportunity to make things right with himself. A sibling he didn’t have to fail. He most definitely felt he didn’t deserve you or your trust... after all, he had eaten people like you without a second thought. But you gave your trust just as freely. 

“heh…” He ruffles your hair. “hope that works out for ya.”

He’ll do his best to be available for cuddles (not that he has much to keep him away) and he’ll try to take you with him if he has to go somewhere. He always makes an effort to ask about your day, if anything bad happened, if anything good happened. He doesn’t feel like he can do much, but he’ll do what he can to make things easier on you.

[evenstevensranked]

#9: Season 3, Episode 22 - “Leavin’ Stevens”

It’s the series finale!! Eileen is projected the winner of a major election for Congress, which means the Stevens family will be moving to Washington D.C. immediately. Pretty big deal. Our beloved characters must say goodbye to each other forever, but Louis can’t bring himself to move across the country without telling Tawny how he really feels about her. 

Let’s talk about why this cinematic plotline would’ve made an infinitely better DCOM than The Even Stevens Movie. 

This one opens with the Stevens family huddled together in the living room, anxiously awaiting the results of Eileen’s election. Riiiiight as the news reporter is about to announce the winner, Beans appears out of nowhere, grabs the remote and changes the channel to... Toon Disney?! They show a legit clip of Teamo Supremo (remember that show?! LOL) instead of some fake cartoon or something which is kinda cool. Granted, it’s a Disney cartoon, so they had the right to use it no problem -- but still! That show premiered in 2002 so I’m sure they threw that clip in there to promote it somehow. Otherwise, it’s just sorta funny to think Toon Disney and ABC (Disney Channel sister stations) exist in the Even Stevens-verse. 

Beans, being the nuisance that he is, throws the remote into a skinny vase thing so Ren is forced to ~magically~ change the channel back manually. 

Remember when you could change the channel with buttons on the actual TV? Good times. If you lose the remote these days, you’re pretty much screwed. 

Thankfully, they turn back in time to catch the results: EILEEN WON! It cuts to her giving a little press conference outside where she announces that the entire family will be moving to Washington D.C. immediately so that she can get to work right away. This is insane news to Louis since he apparently had no idea that Congress was in Washington or that the whole family would need to move there if Eileen were to win. 

It cuts to a very depressed Louis at school cleaning out his locker. Tom and Twitty are with him and Twitty is seemingly in denial about the whole situation, explaining that nothing’s going to change and that a few 14-year-olds can hop a flight to D.C., hang out with Louis and be home by dinner time easy peasy! Tom brings them back to reality by calling them “poor delusional fools” and it’s great. Tawny shows up and it’s time for “Romeo to bid farewell to his Juliet” (Tom’s words.) Oh, man. The rom-com drama kicks in here and I can’t get enough of it. 

I’m guessing that this moment is the actual very last time they’re ever going to see each other?!?! So, the two of them are incredibly freaking awkward trying to say their goodbyes. I mean, how do you say goodbye forever to one of your best friends who is also obviously your crush in, like.. 30 seconds? They’re stammering and dancing around the idea of simply saying “I’m gonna miss you!” So, what do they do? They end up completely avoiding the situation by talking about how they’re going to miss the school cafe’s chili fries instead of each other. Clearly, that is not the last thing either of them wanted to say. As frustrating as this scene is, it’s pretty hilarious. Louis is all “I’m really gonna miss... y.......ahh... c..hili.... fries on Wednesday!” and Tawny just awkwardly goes along with it, “Yeah. I love those... They’re great.” HAHAHA. They proceed to engage in what’s gotta be up there as one of the most uncomfortable hugs of all time:

One thing this show consistently nails is middle school awkwardness. Louis & Tawny are lightyears ahead of me and my old crush though. He was moving to Deleware at the end of 8th grade and we didn’t even say goodbye to each other at ALL at graduation, omg. We just avoided each other entirely. The worst part is that we were side-by-side PARTNERS for the graduation march and we didn’t even speak to each other. The level of immaturity and awkwardness is unparalleled.... 

It cuts to Ren talking with Ruby and Monique who are also getting emotional over Ren’s impending departure. (“What are we gonna do without her?!”) Basically, the two of them are completely incapable of organizing their own lives and need Ren’s constant guidance. One of their biggest concerns is that the three of them previously waited 6 hours in line for Peachbox tickets and now they can’t go to the concert together. First of all.... WHAT OR WHO THE HECK IS PEACHBOX? For some reason, I’ve always imagined a knockoff Matchbox Twenty band simply because of the “box” connection lol. Buuuut, I’m gonna guess that it’s just a music festival or something. It’s not important in the grand scheme of things here.

We see Louis and Twitty walking home from school together and it’s a very somber stroll. Twitty says “I know you’re not the most romantic guy in the world (I BEG TO DIFFER, TWITTY!!!) but, do you really want the last thing you talk about with Tawny to be chili fries?” Obviously, Louis says no, but its too late! There’s nothing he can do at this point! Twitty dramatically says “No, it’s never too late...” and just WALKS AWAY!!!! Did he leave Louis in the dust?! Was that the last thing they said to each other?! What?! Did Louis and Twitty’s epic friendship just... end on a cryptic note for dramatic effect? Why am I just realizing this?

I’m laughing at the idea of this being their final exchange. “It’s never too late. Peace out, cub scout.”

Twitty’s dramatic last words kick Louis into rom-com leading man overdrive. As soon as he gets home, he sits down and starts recording a videotape for Tawny so that he can say everything he wasn’t able to in person. (See cover photo.) Oh, my lord. This is incredible. He starts off by saying that he’ll already be 2,797 miles away (he looked it up) in Washington by the time she sees the tape. “I didn’t want the last thing we talked about to be chili fries. So that’s why I’m doing this -- this tape, ya know? To tell you how I really feel...” And Shia is already hitting it outta the god damn park with his acting. The scene cuts after that, so we don’t get to hear the rest. Gotta keep us on our toes!

Louis meets up with Tom later and gives him the tape, instructing -- or rather, threatening -- him to personally deliver it to Tawny... OR ELSE. 

“Tom, I’m entrusting you with this tape. Okay? So, if anybody else -- besides Tawny -- gets their hands on this... I will personally track you down and make you pay. You hear what I’m saying?”

There’s a little subplot with Donnie and Coach Tugnut, as well. Every character’s plot in this episode revolves around the Stevens family moving, which is kinda cool. We get to see how the potential change affects all of them! Coach Tugnut was planning on training Donnie for the Olympics, so he nearly has a heart attack when he finds out he’s moving. Steve decides to call his boss, Mr. Kupchack, and cuss him out because he thinks he’s never going to see him again. (Bad idea.) Louis has the Tawny situation. Ren has her friends. And of course, Eileen’s whole career is being uprooted. 

Tugnut ultimately decides to uproot his life as well and drive all the way to Washington to continue Donnie’s training. There’s a pretty great final ~adult joke~ here. Tugnut says he talked it over with his wife, Tammy, and they agreed that a little break could be good. He explains that Tammy is busy with her own life, which includes working the night shift at Romano’s Pizza. But, Donnie’s like.. “Uh, Coach... Romano’s Pizza closed, like... 2 years ago” -- Insinuating that Tammy’s been cheating at night. “I’m sure there’s a logical explanation!” Tugnut concludes. Wow. I like this joke, though. It’s subtle and smart. 

Right as Steve is fervently insulting his boss over the phone, Eileen comes running into the living room in a tizzy. She turns on the TV and calls for the entire family to come watch. In a “stunning and dramatic reversal,” a recount snatched victory away from Eileen and gave the congressional seat to some guy Charles Nuck. 

Louis: “My tape!” Ren: “My friends!” Steve: “My job!” Donnie: “My coach!” Eileen: “My seeeeat!”

You can always count on Tom Virtue to go overboard with his performance. To be fair, Steve knows that he totally just lost his job. Soo...

So, yeah! We’re only 9 minutes into the episode and The Stevens family is no longer moving! Wexler is so elated to have Ren back, he’s all “I’d be lost without you!” -- Literally no one can live a productive life without Ren Stevens I guess. He does a little happy dance down the hallway but then stops in his tracks in horror when he sees Louis moving back into his locker. “Noooo!” HAHAHA. 

“WHYYYYYY?!” -- I just really wanted to include this screenshot. Notice how Louis is unpacking a giant thing of syrup! Leftover from Lumberjack Club, I presume? 

Twitty stops by and Louis is in damage control mode. “I have a problem. I did the worst thing I could possibly do.” Twitty says “Dude, everyone gets gas climbing the rope in gym, it’s okay.” HAHA! For some reason I never really noticed that line before. It’s great. Of course, Louis explains that he gave Tawny a tape telling her how he really feels. Twitty asks how bad it is and if he dropped the “L-Bomb.” (“Did ya tell Tawny that you loved her?”) And Louis is officially freaking out. OHHHHHH MYYYY GODDDDDD. Scenes like this make me think that Even Stevens was more of a ~bro show~ kinda. I wonder if guys across the country related to this or not. 

Ren’s little ~storyline within the storyline~ could’ve been a lot better. As usual, she got the short end of the stick for her final hurrah in the series. She ends up finding a replacement of herself for Ruby and Monique named Denise who is seriously controlling and super creepy. After they find out the Stevens are no longer moving, Monique and Ruby really don’t want to go to the concert with Denise anymore. So Ren eventually finds replacements for Ruby and Monique as well so the three doppelgangers can go together instead. It’s trippy. And that’s pretty much it. 

Louis talks to Tawny later that day and finds out that Tom already delivered the tape. Yikes! Tawny doesn’t know what's on the tape though and doesn’t think much of it either. She’s assuming that it’s probably a nature special or Doris’ 40th birthday. And Louis quickly interjects “Good party! That was a good--” and awkwardly cuts himself off. Shia’s phrasing. It’s so good. I laughed pretty hard. Anyway, Louis is officially on a mission to retrieve the tape before she has a chance to watch it and calls Beans for help. Beans is at school when Louis calls his cell phone, and um... Beans is 8 years old. Why does he have a cell phone in 2002? Also, he should be in 3rd grade. Does this look like 3rd grade to you?!

That teacher is reading a baby storybook to them. This never seemed right to me lol. Also, that super tall kid in the middle is at least 11 years old. Come on now. ALSO they make a point to show that every kid in the class has a cell phone, too. Perhaps this show was simply ahead of its time AGAIN, showing us that soon technology will consume all of our lives at every age. 8 year olds have iPhones nowadays.

To sum it up, Louis has Beans climb into Tawny’s bedroom window to steal the tape back. This is the only episode where we see Tawny’s bedroom and much like the part of her house we saw in Thin Ice, it suits her personality perfectly and I love it. 

Louis is relieved to have the tape back, but once he gets home he notices the tape is actually labeled “To: Louis.” OHHHHHHHH BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! HEREEEE WEEEE GOOOOO! I’ll let you watch this truly iconic and emotionally taxing scene play out for yourself:

Can you say SOULMATES?! What are the odds they’d both decide to confess their feelings via videotape? Well, besides it being an uber romantic plot device lol. 

The episode ends with Louis and Tawny at their lockers, smirking knowingly at each other because they know they’re in love now lol. It’s precious. It’s still a little awkward because it’s like “ok, we love each other or whatever... now what?” So, in true Louis & Tawny fashion Louis says “Soooo... I hear they’re having chili fries at lunch today.” And Tawny whispers “Cool. I love chili fries.” The two of them laugh at how well they know each other and walk off hand and hand into the sunset. All is right with the world. 

How sweet are they?! Seriously one of the most underrated pairings everrrrr. Tawny’s jeans though. I never understood the 2000s fashion trend that was distressed markings on the BUTTCHEEKS of pants! It looks absolutely terrible.

The final minute bit is Tugnut crying “DonnnieeeeEE!” all alone at the Washington monument lol. 

This is probably the most cinematic episode of Even Stevens. This thing plays out like a freaking movie. Honestly, if they fleshed out the plot a little more and added a few twists and turns that I can’t think of because I’m not a screenwriter -- I firmly believe this would've made for a better and more satisfying DCOM than The Even Stevens Movie. They could've ended the series with an episode built around a wacky plot like the vacation, (I mean, the dismal and beyond outlandish In Ren We Trust was the series’ penultimate episode so that wouldn't be a stretch...) and then have an original movie with heart and a story rooted in the characters. Am I alone here, or? Having the series end with Louis and Tawny getting together and then barely interacting in The Even Stevens Movie always pissed me off. The bit with the videotapes could totally compete with any blockbuster romance film, tbh. MOVIES end with characters finally getting together and it's the big, satisfying moment. Ending a SERIES like that, and then not doing anything with it in the big finale film is just frustrating. I wanted to see what became of Louis and Tawny: The Couple. 

This 8-second scene of them in the chair is the extent of their interaction in the movie. Along with two “right next to papa” lines from Louis, which Tawny sorta reacts apathetically/sarcastically to. That’s literally it. 

I’ve mentioned before that people tend to write-off Even Stevens as nothing but a wacky show to watch if you want to turn your brain off. But, there’s so much heart here and great characters that are overlooked! Having such a crazy movie for the big ending just solidified that Even Stevens = Dumb and wacky TV show, in the memories of many. Which is perhaps the reason why the show isn’t remembered as widely or fondly in comparison to other live action Disney shows of the era. This could also contribute to its underratedness. It’s just not the DCOM we deserved. Even I remember thinking “this looks stupid” when I first saw the promo trailer for the movie as a kid. But this series finale episode felt more like a movie to me than the DCOM ever did! It almost seems like it was intended to be a film but they cut out a bunch of it. It feels really rushed. One minute the Stevens are moving and the next they’re not. There’s so much more tension and emotion that could’ve been built if the idea of them moving lasted longer than 8 minutes, haha. Idk. This just feels like a plot that deserves more than 21 minutes to unfold and breathe. 

I kinda adore this episode. To this day it still manages to squeeze a lil’ tear outta me. I really can’t stress enough how sublime Shia’s acting on the tape to Tawny is. If the scene was longer, it could totally rival his romantic monologue in Disturbia (which some people have performed for acting auditions!!!) I wanna see people do a “Louis Stevens monologue” for auditions, man! lol. The day I see a modern Disney kid pull this sort of scene off with the same level of maturity will be the day hell freezes over. I love that Shia gave his all to this role. Even though ES was “just a Disney show” he treated the material with the weight it deserved and I really appreciate that. It’s what helps make Even Stevens more than “just a Disney show” and why it’s still great, if not better, in 2018. 

This episode makes my Top 10 because, like I said, it has such a movie feel to it and one of the strongest/most engaging plotlines in the entire series. I might’ve ranked this one even higher if Ren had a better final plot. They could’ve had a double romance dilemma with Ren and Larry getting together as well or at least a cute moment where they finally end their rivalry, but nooooooooo! The pressure of moving forced Louis & Tawny to confront their feelings, they could’ve done the same thing with Ren and Larry. If this episode had a Ren/Larry subplot of any kind it would probably be my #1 lololol. The episode does have a lot going for it and so much potential though. I had to put it in the single-digits.

The Louis/Tawny content here is OBVIOUSLY of the highest quality. Hands down the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen on the Disney Channel at least. The videotape(s) is like a grand gesture, but also small and intimate at the same time. Per-fect. The acting is especially great here, from both Shia and Margo. I mean, these performances could stand up against any "adult” comedy TV show, heck.. they’re probably better honestly. They’re seriously killin’ the game and they’re both 16/17 years old here. So underrated. Even Stevens deserved to be picked up by a major network. Imagine what it might’ve been like on ABC, CBS, or NBC? Dang. It’d be the cult classic it deserves to be today.

Thanks for reading!!

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