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[armoralor]

There is so much reposted art in the Star Wars tags right now. I'm begging people to not repost/upload art that isn't theirs 🙏 I know not everyone does it maliciously, sometimes your favourite artist isn't on tumblr or you just want to share something you like- BUT! it takes away from the the engagement/love the original artist sees and deserves. Do not repost art, EVEN IF YOU LINK IT (unless the artist has give you explicit permission to)! Always ask the artist first.

To my fandom enjoyers that appreiceate art and no not create themselves: please please check before you reblog something.

[nitaescence]

Beauté de marbre

pairing : sculptor!Tae x reader genre : artist!au word count : 3.8k

summary — Taehyung, a formerly renowned artist, slowly reconnects with his art and catches himself falling for a girl whom sculpting leaves indifferent. That is until the day he discovers she is the critique’s daughter who caused his downfall after her libellious review on his latest work.

warnings — clay play?? oral, unprotected sex

moodboard

“Why did you step too hard?” Laughs Taehyung.

“It’s not my fault.” You pout watching him grab with one hand the big piece of clay that you’ve just sent crashing to the ground. “You set the speed too high.”

He slams the clay hard on the wheel, startling you.

He huffs, “right, my mistake.” He wets his hands and bends over you, “wan’ me centring it for you?” You nod with a small pout. He steps on the pedal and the turntable begins rotating at a nice pace. “Scoot forward a bit.”

You allow him to sit on the large stool behind you and focus on his hands expertly pressing the rough ball of clay up and down repeatedly. The muscles in his arms bulge a little in his attempt to get a perfect rotational symmetry.

He carefully retreats his hand when he hears you whine as your way to show your will to take over.

“You good on your own?”

You nod while wetting your hands. “You can go now.”

Taehyung stands up, takes two steps back and rubs his cheek with the back of his wrist, observing you trying to make a centred hollow. “Don’t need to go any faster.”

His lips stretch in a crooked smile when you don’t answer, totally focused.

His eyes travel down your back to the short shorts half-covering your enticing curves when you sit up. He chews his gum again while ogling your thighs and legs involuntarily tensing, making him twitch in his pants.

You catch him staring and whine, “go!”

He grins cheekily. “‘Right… I’m leaving you alone.”

*************

His desire got the better of him and half an hour later, you hear him shuffling back in his workshop where you are still busy making pottery.

You haven’t changed your position on the stool and so he decides to sit back behind you. You feel his hand sneak between your legs to lean on the small free space you left of the chair, molding his chest to your back.

He nuzzles your hair, “are you done?”

“Hm, I finished the first ball,” you explained without averting your eyes from the ball of clay flattening under your fingers.

Taehyung finds your creation sitting on the small table on the left. He pulls away from you to take a closer look at the small vase. It isn’t the best one but to him it looks perfect.

“What’s wrong with you?” He wonders to himself. “At this rate, Jimin will ask you to teach instead of me.”

You smile at his words, remembering the small workshop adjoining Jimin’s flower shop he works in as a pottery teacher.

He puts the object back on the table and rests his head on your shoulder.

“Aaah,” you sigh and stretch your neck and shoulders. “I can’t do this.”

“Why, why, why?” He asks when he feels you resting against him. “Are you giving up?”

You nod, sulking. He chuckles looking down at you. “What’s wrong? What are you trying to make?”

You sit up and smile embarrassed, “I don’t even know. I just want to shape the walls with the same thickness but I’m just making the hole larger.”

“Want me to help?” He leans forward as well and rests his arms on your thighs. You nod. “Let’s see.”

He wets his hands and you withdraw yours.

“Let’s just start again. It’ll be easier that way.”

He nimbly prepares a third ball until he’s about to open it. He guides your hand on the wet clay and together you start hollowing it until the hole is big enough for your hands to go in.

“Put your hand here and the other one here,” he mumbles as he places you. “Keep track of the pressure you apply with your fingers.”

“No,” you cry when you feel him letting go, making him whine in return.

“You’re doing good.”    

He keeps one hand on yours and makes circles with his hurting shoulder.

“See? You’re learning fast.” He kisses the crook of your neck.

Without you realizing it, you’re left shaping on your own.

The heady scent of your hair stirs his initial motive and has him pressing his half hard-on against your ass as his coated hands trail along your thighs.

“Tae…”

He hums in response, relishing the rush of blood you’re causing, swelling him rapidly. You’re feeling it and your hands are getting weaker.

“I’m gonna mess it all over again.” You whimper while he’s lifting up your shirt and smears clay on your naked breasts.

“Forget about it, I want you.” He moans in your ear when your ass rubs his cock . His hand cups your jaw to guide and trap your mouth in his. You welcome his dominant tongue and melt in his touch but part to grunt after he’s begun to rub your clit over your shorts, nudging harder the tent in his pants.  

You feel yourself getting wetter but his fingers regrettably become unsatisfying. You take your feet off the pedal just in time when you’ve eventually realised the wheel’s picked up in pace.

A yelp of surprise leaves you when Taehyung effortlessly lifts and puts you down on the table nearby, growing quickly impatient as well. He helps you out of your clothes and undresses himself while you’re kissing him and painting his chest, neck and the hair at his nape.

You glance down and feel yourself clenching instantly at the sight of his painfully hard erection standing thick and throbbing in front of your bare sex. You desperately need a taste of him.

Taehyung catches your lips again and gently lays you on your back, following you in the motion not to break the kiss.

You moan in his mouth, he breaks apart to nibble on your neck as he steadily humps his leaking cock against your sensitive entrance and clit.

“It’s so slippery,” he grunts against your skin, gripping firmly on the edge of the table to rub himself harder. The clay has dried on your hands but you’re still able to feel the softness of his hair when your fingers interlace it.

Bottom lip trapped between your teeth, you claw his asscheek, your hand acting as an incentive to him.

“Baby…”

He cranes his neck to gaze down at you, a subtle frown adorning his gorgeous face. “What’s wrong babe?” He smirks at your frustrated look, “can’t take it anymore?”

“I’m fucking going crazy...”  

His eyes travel down naturally when you arch your back to leer at your chest pushing up directly in his face. His open mouth waters. His deep voice leaves him in a restrained whimper, “baby… Fuck…I can’t hold it.”

He supports himself above you, high enough to be able to visually guide his cock inside you without his hands.

You feel your pussy clenching expectantly every time his swollen tip brushes or pokes at your drenched entrance.

“Fuck,” he groans disgruntled. “I can’t put it in.”

“Let’s just go shower.”

Taehyung pulls you back to him to kiss and grope you while you wait for the water to get to the ideal temperature.

He washes his hands and turns you around. You crane your neck to the side to kiss him again while his palms rub your breasts clean. His fingers start playing with your pointing nipples and your hand presses on his nape.

“Let me suck on them,” he whines, turning you back to him.

Your smile falters the longer he keeps abusing the sensitive skin and you don’t want him to stop anytime soon. He grunts when you tug at his dampen hair.

You whine his name in despair and he doesn’t need more to eventually grant you some relief. His fingers blindly look for your throbbing heat, running his tips along your slit and rubbing tiny circles on your neglected clit.

He’s pleasing you just the way you love it but you don’t give him the time to even slip a finger inside you when you tell him to stop.

Just as he is straightening himself up, you drop down on your knees and take his cock in your mouth.

“____-” He moans helplessly, throwing his head back. “Baby, stop- I… I wanna be inside you-”

You shove his pulsing shaft as deep as you can, gagging on it soundly. Caught out, his mouth freezes open a couple of seconds before you pull out of him loud groans and cusses. He’s throbbing dangerously hard between your lips and he immediately forces you back up on your feet.

Satisfied, you look up at him and he chuckles. “You’re driving me fucking crazy.” He kisses you while walking you back against one of the walls. “Put me inside you.”

Moans come pouring out of you when he doesn’t let you adjust to his girth, relentlessly fucking you open.

His mouth is hovering yours, you can’t look away from his frowning face as you feel yourself getting close.

You move your hand away from his tensed up chest to rub your clit and trigger your orgasm.

Taehyung kisses you when he feels you tightening even harder around him. The leg he’s holding up begins to shake and he decides to hold you in his arms, impaling you all the way down.

“Huh… I love you.”

His ardor doesn’t ease up, overstimulating so much so tears start brimming your closed eyes.

As long as he would have liked this to last, he isn’t able to hold himself back anymore.

“I’m gonna cum.”

You try to get a grip on yourself and tap on his hand so he’ll let go of your legs. He frees one but is unable to stop his thrusting. He nuzzles your neck.

“Tae, don’t cum inside me.”

“Why not? I wanna fuck my cum in you- Shit… I can tell it’s turning you on” He whimpers in a small pout, his climax pending. His cock is brimming.

He nudges your nose. “Let me get you swollen with my baby, so you have a reason to move in with me.”

You smile coyly, “tempting but… We can’t... A- at least, not now.”

Taehyung lingers his gaze on you, fucked out and reluctantly pulls out with a curse.

You kneel down a second time and watch him guide his cock in your mouth with a push of his thumb at the base of his pulsing shaft. He’s breathing hard again when the warmth of your mouth welcomes him hungrily.

You look up and start bobbing your head, dragging your tongue and lips along the wet, veiny skin three times before the first spurt of cum shoots inside.

He lets you jerk him off, coating your breasts and chin with his sticky sperm and you can’t help but giggle at the endless amount that keeps being squirted out with every forward motion of your hand.

You suck his sensitive tip clean, overstimulating him which has him jerking in surprise.

He helps you up and you never look away from him while you scoop with your fingertip some of his semen and bring it to your mouth.

“What a waste.” He bites his lip, staring at the mess on your skin under heavy lids. “I wanna go again.”  

*********************

Spent, you’re both lying still on his large bed, resting in the darkness.  

You chuckle to yourself when a thought pops in your head.

Taehyung nudges you sleepily, “what is it?”

“Do you remember how angry you were when Jimin told you who my mother was?”

“Yeah… Your bruises lasted a whole week.”

You giggle quietly again. “I really had no idea.”

He doesn’t hear you immediately, too enthralled by the sight of your fingers slowly interlacing over and over again.

“About my mom…”

You feel him nudging his nose in the crook of your neck and breathing in quietly.

“I really don’t mind it… That’s behind me now.”

You look over your shoulder and see him still holding his weight on his arm, slightly leaning over your body as he gazed down at you. You barely distinguish each other in the darkness of his room yet neither one of you looks away.

You roll over to lie on your back and bring his hand between you. “How come your hands are still that soft?”

“They’re not,” he chuckles lightly.

“They are.” You object, observing it as you move it closer to your face. “They really are. I like them.”

You make Taehyung smile lazily the longer he feels you touching him. His long fingers trap both of your hands and he kisses them. “Your hands are the soft ones. They’re baby soft. It’s hard to believe you’ve done anything with them. They’re cute.”

**********************

You peek one eye open and close it as soon as you notice Taehyung’s face right in front of you. You slowly drape an arm around his neck and he hugs you to him in return, rubbing his face in your hair.

“What are you doing?” You mumble against his skin.

“Me? Nothing.”

“Liar.”

“You look cute sleeping.” He glances down at your frowning face when you push yourself apart from him. “What ? You don’t believe me?”

“No.”

“How can you be so sure of that, hm? You can’t see yourself sleeping…” You hide in his neck again, making him crack a smile. His hand travels down your back to smack your ass. “Silly baby…”

You don’t hear what he says at first when he speaks again.

“I think I want to sculpt something again.”

“Really?” You perk up, delighted. “That’s great. What do you have in mind?”

He gives you a childish smile. “You. You’re the only thing in my mind.”

You frown discomfited while your brain processes his words. “What? Are you serious?”

His eyes look away as he combs his fingers through your hair, dreading your reaction.

“I mean only if you’re okay with it of course.”

“I… Well, uhm- I think I am but... I’ve never… posed for anyone before… I don’t know if I’ll be a good model.”

His eyes light up. “You’ll see it’s nothing too complicated. You actually won’t have to pose for a long time.”

“How do you exactly see me?”

His hand caresses your cheek. “Like you are right now but... not in bed.”

The thought makes you smile reluctantly.

“Well I wasn’t thinking of you completely naked… I think if we used some sort of silk shawl or veil… I was thinking I could make it seem like it’s swirling around you or something and it could be covering some parts of you, like your face...”

He watches you ponder his suggestion. You seem intrigued.

“I was actually sketching you. Earlier. That’s when I got the idea. I’ll draw a draft so you’ll see what I mean and make up your mind.”

You both remain quiet. You observe him gazing down at your body, tracing it above the thin sheet barely covering you, surely thinking about the different ways he’s already picturing you.

You’ve never seen him like that before.

“You hungry?” His voice snaps you out of your daydream. “I prepared some toasts and fruits and other things...”

You nod while shifting to lie on your back and stretch longly, giving him access to your bare breasts and he doesn’t need to be persuaded to cover them with loving kisses.

You cup the back of his head and the next second he’s hovering over your face, claiming your mouth in a sloppy kiss.

“You don’t mind if I get to eat breakfast first.”

You bite your lip, “please do.”

************************

You disrobe entirely in his room and put on the kimono you had brought with you. You walk toward his studio where you hear some rummaging coming from. You peek your head past the door and note he is almost finished preparing the set.

Classical music is playing in the background, setting a comfortable atmosphere. Taehyung has his back turned to you and is holding something.

You subtly clear your throat, earning his attention instantly. His short ponytail swings when he looks back before he reveals his bare chest and arms flexing while he nimbly finishes adjusting the heavy camera. You shamelessly feast your eyes on the sight of him and you share a smile with a knowing look.

He shortens the distance between you but keeps his focus on his camera for another couple of seconds. You are looking around patiently in silence. You’re able to see from your spot in the workshop different pieces of paper.

You walk closer to the table they’ve been put on and take one of them. A subtle smile curves your lips when you recognize yourself or rather the sketched version of you. Some of them have been left in shades of grey and white, others display a few pastel colours here and there.

You put the paper down.

Your chest is thudding loudly from within after you’ve caught a glimpse of the different veils bunched nearby.

“Okay.” He mumbles quietly and sets the impressive device on the worktable. “So first I’m going to take some pictures in the position I want you to be in. I need you to be super still because I need different viewing points of your body in that exact same position, ‘right?”

You smartly nod and he smiles again.

“I’ll tape up the veil on several parts of your body… I don’t really know how else to do it.” He admits with pouting lips.

“I think it’ll be fine that way… It’ll just have to not be heavy.”  

He agrees and walks away to fetch the fabrics while you keep your motivation there.

“I brought different ones, the color isn’t important.” He trails while coming back in front of you. “Ready?”      

Without hesitation, you let the kimono open itself, the soft fabric now able to slide down effortlessly along your body to pool around your feet. You look up at him.

If the sight of your bare body takes his breath away, he doesn’t let it show.

You notice the subtle squeeze his jaw makes while he’s getting an eyeful of you. Your lips part to let air rush in after he has gotten even closer, now towering over you.

Your face is instinctively pulled in when only a few inches separate you. The tips of the fabrics in his hands tickle the skin of your lower stomach. A light chuckle escapes him. You seem hypnotized.

“What is it?”

He’s looking down between you, faintly frowning. “You’re not going easy on me…”

“Too much too soon?” You giggle.

Your mouths are impossibly close but neither of you gives in. Taehyung reluctantly pulls back just in time.

A crooked smile adorns your lips while you watch him decide on the best fabric to don your enticing body and astutely find the spot where it will get taped up invisibly to you.

His fingers are barely brushing your skin, placing and replacing the veil around the tip of your feet and calf, in front of your crotch, winding it around your ribs right below the swell of your breast where a path of shivers awakens the skin. The other end of the fabric rolls up your nape to hide your face.

“Can you hold it for me?”

You raise your arm carefully to grasp the veil above your head, unable to see anything and waiting for further instruction. You hear him taking something you guess to be the camera.

“Shift your weight on your right foot.”    

White light flashes in short seconds three or four times. You try to remain as still as possible as he keeps on photographing you.

“You’re doing great,” you hear his voice behind you and light flashes again. “You cold?”

“I’m okay. Is it as good as you thought it’d be?”

He hums agreeing. “You can drop this now.”

You lower your arms and Taehyung circles your front to let you take a look at some of the pictures. He keeps a hand under to help hold the heavy camera.

Like any other photographs of you, you don’t think much of yourself but you trust his eye.

“I think it’ll look really great,” he speaks softly in your ear and gently presses himself against your back. “When I’m done with it I want myself to desire that body as much as I desire the real one.”

You are feeling everything but cold.

“I want people to feel that attraction and feel miserable because they’ll never be able to have you.”

You chuckle to yourself as you finish scrolling through all of the pictures. “You don’t have to be so dramatic, you know. What’s the next step?”

He brushes your hair to the side to kiss your neck. “Build a clay form of you.”

“And you’re able to do that from simple pictures?” You wonder as he takes the device from you.

“It’s the easiest step… but-” his hand grasps onto your hip to have your backside pushing against his twitching crotch, tearing a quiet grunt from him. “It’s preferable to have the model present.”

“Then... what are you waiting for?” You grin lightly, pushing back deliberately.

He whines and eventually takes the veil off of you and cups your breast. “There’s no rush-.”

“Hmm, that’s not very serious of you mister big artist.” You mock, looking back to face him.

“I told you, you weren’t making it easy for me...”

****************

You walk in the room he’s reserved expressly for sculpting where he’s spent most of his time the past three months. The floor is covered with white residue and dust. The sculpture stands in the middle on a pedestal, imposing. Taehyung’s crouching, polishing the feet and ankles and doesn’t hear you at first.

You’ve never imagined once in your life you’d be facing a marble version of you, naked moreover but the final result is quite pleasing to your eye. You’ve never given much thought to anything art-related, your mother never managed to get you as much interested as she may have hoped for you to get.

You slowly walk around, make eye contact with him and guess his smile behind the mask he’s wearing.

“Is it nearly done yet?” You watch him standing up and removing the protective gear to join you.

“Almost…” He muses while redoing his loose bun. “I think by the end of this week it’ll be good enough.”

“Good enough?” You frown at him and look back again at his work. “Tae… I don’t think it can get anymore accomplished than that.”

He’s silent and still and it arouses your curiosity. “Is something wrong?”

“What?”

“You were having like... a weird moment- you were just staring…”

“Oh no, it’s nothing…” He answers a little flustered, getting rid of his dusty gloves. “I was just… fantasizing.”

“About what?” He shakes his head to himself but it’s too late. “Come on, tell me. I wanna know.”

“I was just thinking about sculpting your body… .”

You smile, waiting.

“But like... pregnant.”

Taehyung pouts at your sudden burst. “Why? Why are you laughing? You asked me, I answered you…” He turns again to gaze up at his creation. “You’d be fucking gorgeous.”

Your laughter calms. “I’d be fucking big.”

“You’d be fucking perfection.” He instantly counters.

“‘Right…” You start walking away. “When you’re done fantasizing, come join me. The pizza’s here!”

[myfriendscallmecoelophysis]

God(dess) Help the Outcasts

He lived in a world of duality, Mianite and Dianite, Order and Chaos, Red and Blue, Propriety and Discord. How could he be anything but an Outcast when he chose the forgotten Third God? 

Dedicated to Nerf House, @topazgirlygirl, @snowydawn17 and all the rest of the Voice Vibes crew <3 you all

Jordan had been born to a divided family. His Father was a follower of Mianite, his Mother a follower of Dianite. While this wasn’t necessarily the norm, it wasn’t frowned upon either. They lived in a world of duality, Mianite and Dianite, Order and Chaos, Red and Blue, Propriety and Discord. Everyone in their world chose one or the other. Neither were wholly good or wholly evil, just as no single person was good or evil, there were intricacies. However, people tended towards one side or the other, one God or another. In the case of his own family, his Father, a librarian, tended towards order and organization; so he, when he was old enough to choose his path, pledged himself to Mianite. Jordan’s mother on the other hand, an artist, adored spontaneity and was just generally, a disorderly person, her studio a mess of paints and brushes at all times. She had pledged herself to Dianite when it had been her time to choose. 

Their families had been surprised when they’d first fallen in love, but wasn’t that how the old saying went? Opposites attract? And when a follower of Order and a follower of Chaos had a son, was it any wonder that he trended towards the middle ground of Balance?

Jordan had never had an answer when the other children in school asked which God he would pick. His town was close to the Capital and was therefore mostly neutral, conversations of who they would follow were frequent. Rarely was there any negativity shown towards either decision, except when Jordan said that he wasn’t sure. They always looked at him strangely, it was normal to have all but chosen by the time you were old enough to understand who the Gods were. You couldn’t pledge yourself officially at the Temples until you were 16, but that didn’t mean most children didn’t already know. He became an outcast, not bullied per say, but mostly ignored, the strange boy who clearly didn’t know himself well enough to know who to worship. 

Despite this, he did well in school and between his studies and spending all his free time reading in the library where his Father worked, Jordan was quite clever by the time his final year of schooling came along. He left the school for the last time with the reputation of the outcast still on his shoulders but emotionally no worse for wear because of it. 

In all the years spent there, all the time they thought that he didn’t know himself, he’d known it to be the opposite. He knew himself too well. He knew that he would not pledge himself to either God. He would forge a middle path, a Balance between Order and Chaos. If he was alone in his beliefs, so be it, but they would be his. 

It was a trader that came from the far flung deserts that got his thoughts turning. He was manning the library for his Father when the trader arrived, dressed in rich blue robes. 

“I come to trade with Sir Conway.” The man said, voice accented and gravelly. 

Father had warned Jordan of this and had given him instructions and payment for the trader. “He’s not here, but I’m his son. I can help you.” Jordan explained, reaching under the counter to grab the bag of emeralds his Father had left for him. The trader nodded shortly but said nothing, producing a stack of three old books from his bag. The covers were dyed leather, faded and cracked with age, one deep royal blue, one burgundy and one a rich purple color. Three books for 10 emeralds was what his Father had said, so Jordan handed over 10 gleaming polished gemstones. The trader made a pleased sounding grunt and left the library without another word. 

Once he was alone again Jordan looked at the books, he could recognize the archaic spelling of Mianite’s name on the spine of the blue book and Dianite’s on the burgundy one, but he’d never seen the name Ianite before. Curiously, he cracked it open and began to read.

As he read, Jordan realized that this Ianite figure had felt the same way he himself did. They were between Order and Chaos, a third option, a third God. But why then had he never heard of them? Why had no one told him that his thoughts were valid? He spent the entirety of the day reading the book, trying to find the answers to his questions. 

He learned that Ianite was not a God, but a Goddess. She was the Goddess of Balance, sister to the Gods of Chaos and Order. Her domain was the End, something that shocked Jordan. He knew about the End but no one had been there in centuries according to the stories. Ancient Heroes of the Gods had entered the dimension and conquered it, slaying the beast that defended it. Was that why there was no mention of Ianite? Had conquering her domain in the name of the Overworlders done her some great harm? Caused her to fade from memory? Why would they have done such a thing?

Ianite had been different than the other Gods, he was able to gather as much from reading between the lines of the text. She’d been the least worshipped by the ancient people of this land. Her followers had been cast out for worshipping a Goddess of ‘contradiction’, instead of picking a side, they picked Ianite. Like he himself inadvertently had. But yet, he felt no shame in it. 

That book became Jordan’s most important possession. He poured over it’s every word, committing every last scrap of information about Ianite to memory. He scoured other books about the Gods, searching for mentions of Ianite or Balance or the End. It became his life’s goal, he would find the End one day, because it was there that all the secrets of Ianite were. 

He moved to the Capital, made a living in the bustling city by doing odd jobs and tasks. All his years of study and reading had given him such a vast wealth of knowledge that he could accomplish almost anything. It was during these jobs that he began to notice the disparity among the people, the different levels of society. He knew the Champions of the Gods lived here, their images and lives exalted by the civilian population, he’d come to recognize their names and faces the same as everyone else despite supporting neither of their Gods. The two men were friends he learned, practically as close as brothers. Jordan wondered, what it might be like to be so close to another person or to a God. He had a name for his beliefs now after all this time, a greater privilege than he’d ever expected when he’d chosen the third path years ago, but nothing more about her. It was also in the city that he realized that he may not be entirely alone in his beliefs. 

Every city had it’s lower class, the poor and downtrodden, the Capital was no different. It made pity twist in his stomach to see people pray to their Gods for wealth and glory, while at the same time ignoring the people directly in front of them who needed things as simple as food. He took to giving what extra coin he could spare whenever he saw someone in need because how could he, an Outcast to the Gods, ignore the outcasts of society. Sometimes it was a lot, sometimes only a little, sometimes it was a loaf of bread or an apple. Every time though, no matter what, they were grateful. 

One day, after Jordan had given him a loaf of bread and a handful of coins, an older man dressed in little more than rags, said “May Lady Ianite bless you in your kindness.” Jordan was too shaken to reply. He nodded and went on with his job, trying not to notice the knowing look the man gave him at his reaction. 

It was that interaction that reminded him of the path he’d set himself upon. He was in a place of fortune, unlike so many that he saw. He could afford the time and effort to learn all he could about Ianite and the part she played in the history of the land. He dove into his research, seeking out books and scrolls and legends, following every lead in hopes that one of them might give him the knowledge he needed. 

With each passing day and each new story he learned he felt closer and closer to this Goddess he’d never met. Most people went their whole lives without properly meeting their Gods, only the Champions interacted personally with the Gods, but Jordan felt so connected to Ianite already. 

‘Maybe in another time or another life you were her Champion.’ He thought with a wry chuckle while getting ready for bed one night. “Yeah, like I’d ever be a Champion.” He muttered to himself as he blew out the candle in his bedroom. 

“Don’t be so sure” A woman said in his dreams.

Days passed the same as they always had. He spent the daylight doing courier work and odd jobs, while the night was spent researching and learning. It was monotonous, until one lead brought him to the local museum. On display they had something unlike anything he’d seen. It looked almost like an enderpearl except it was pale green and blue with a dark streak through the middle that looked almost like a slit pupil. 

‘Legend tells us that an Eye of Ender was the key to discovering the entrance to the void world, The End, when the ancient Heroes of the realm ventured forth to conquer it in the name of the Gods.’ 

This was the link he’d been searching for. After years of effort, he’d discovered the last step. This was how to find the stronghold that protected the portal to The End. Jordan left the museum with a grin on his face and hope in his heart. 

It took him days to barter, purchase, or otherwise acquire the resources to create just over a dozen Eyes of Ender. He’d need a dozen alone to open the portal but he figured that if he calculated the trajectories just right, he could find the stronghold itself with less than 5. A week was spent preparing supplies for the journey and getting his affairs in order. Then, one final day was spent cooking and distributing all the perishable food he had throughout the city. He had no idea how long he’d be gone, no use letting things go to waste. 

Just before sunrise, he climbed to the highest point in the hills surrounding the Capital. Below, the city was just beginning to wake up, smoke trickling from some of the chimneys, people heading to the fields and the markets. The Temples to Mianite and Dianite, one of either side of the city, were lit in crackling firelight by the enormous ever burning braziers the statues of the Gods themselves held in their hands. Jordan took one last look, imagining what it might be like to have a third temple, a third statue, a third God. Then, he turned away from the city towards the wilderness beyond and threw the Eye of Ender as high as he could.

~~~

He was farther from home than he’d ever been. A few days ago he’d hit the desert and hadn’t that been interesting? All his life he’d thought deserts to be excruciatingly hot, but after days spent in a strangely cold desert, he owed mental apologies to every desert trader he’d ever questioned for wearing such thick, blanket-like garments. He’d nearly frozen the first night, huddling as close as he could to his campfire under the shelter of a large sand dune. He was close though. He had to be. If his calculations were correct he should be within a few hundred blocks of the stronghold. He still had two spare Eyes aside from the dozen he needed to unlock the portal. He could spare one. Sliding his sunglasses back in place in front of his eyes, he looked up towards the sun, throwing the Eye, it drifted and drifted in the direction he’d been travelling but then he noticed something on the horizon as his eyes tracked its path. Was that a tree?

Jordan ran through the sand as fast as his feet could carry him, tripping and stumbling as it filled his boots. It wasn’t just a mirage, he realized as he got closer, it was an oasis, a crystal clear pond surrounded by drooping trees flush with leaves and vines. On the other side of the pond was a crumbling stone structure, a ruin of some long forgotten building, but within it was a staircase that led below the earth. Two small obelisks still stood, flanking the staircase, each made of intricately carved lavender stone and capped with a pyramid of obsidian. 

A laugh of astonishment bubbled from his throat as he collapsed to his knees in the sand. He’d made it. After all this time. He’d found the entrance to the stronghold.

That night as he sat by fire, he reread his favorite sections of the purple book his Father had purchased all those years ago. It was worn down from years of use, the spine loose and some of the pages torn, the ink faded in spots. But that didn’t diminish Jordan’s love for it and what it represented. If anything he liked to think that Ianite appreciated the love he’d shown her book after so long. 

He fell asleep to the relaxing crackling of his fire with the book open on his chest, thinking about the possibilities of what lay ahead. 

“I’m so excited to finally meet you, my Hero.”  A woman whispered as he drifted into his dreams.

~~~

When Jordan entered the Stronghold, he wasn’t quite sure what to expect. He wandered the eerily silent halls, lighting the torches on the walls to mark where he’d been so that he was less likely to get lost in the maze-like complex of halls and rooms. There were remnants that someone had been here before him but he’d expected that. The stories told as much. What he hadn’t expected to find were signs that there may have once been an entire civilization beneath the ground. He stumbled upon dozens of empty rooms in all different sizes, fountains, storerooms, two libraries, a prison, and nearly endless hallways and staircases. Had there been people who lived here once long ago? 

Finally, after what felt like hours, down a darkened hallway, he saw an otherworldly glow. Jordan rounded a corner and there it was, the portal. It was elevated above a pool of lava, the blocks that made the frame glowing from their own internal illumination. It was the brightest room he’d been in since leaving the light of the sun behind. There were bits of rusted and cracked metal at the top of the staircase that led up to the portal. Whatever it had been, had been destroyed long ago. The portal was made of a strange white stone, capped with filigree patterns the same color as the Eyes of Ender. In the center of each was a rounded indentation of smoothed obsidian. 

He gently placed the first Eye of Ender in the closest spot, jumping in surprise at the bizarre, resonant sound that echoed through the room. With each Eye the sound changed in pitch and tone until he got to the final slot. Jordan took a deep breath and inserted the final Eye. There was a crack of energy and a deep thud of a noise, alien and unnatural. Where there had been an empty frame, was now filled in with a warping speckled void unlike anything he’d ever seen in his life. It had appeared from nothing and seemed to go on endlessly even though the logical side of Jordan’s mind knew there was lava beneath it. 

This was the moment he’d been waiting for. Ianite’s domain was beyond this remarkable and mystical portal. The answers he’d been looking for his entire life waited for him. And, if nothing else, at least maybe being in her domain would give him a chance that she would hear his prayers.

He closed his eyes and stepped forward in a leap of faith. 

When he opened his eyes he was greeted by a bizarre landscape of the same off-white stone of the portal and immense towering columns of obsidian. He could see enderman teleporting about, their lanky, ink dark bodies moving without a single step. He averted his eyes downward out of reflex, confused by the obsidian platform that hovered above the Void. Jordan’s heart stopped in his chest, the Void was a scary story, a warning from parents to children about being cautious how deep into the earth they went.  He’d never expected to actually see it in his life. Connecting this platform to the main island was a surprisingly wide path of cobblestone, worn and dirtied with age, but otherwise safe enough looking. This was more evidence that others had been here before him, the path was wide enough to accommodate multiple people at once with a waist high walls lining either side for safety. His thoughts turned back to the book and his thoughts that maybe, once upon a time, she had been worshipped the same way Dianite and Mianite were. There could be a Temple to Ianite somewhere on that island. 

Cautiously, Jordan stepped onto the path, pleased that it didn’t crumble or give any indication of failing. With each step he gained confidence and surety, eyes flicking upwards towards the pillars of obsidian, the researcher in him taking in every bit of information he could, above each pillar floated a white crystal, bobbing gently up and down. The stone that made up the island, endstone he mentally dubbed it, had a strange texture under his boots. There was an almost, sandy feeling to it, like the very top layer was loose dust. It made for a slick surface as he ventured deeper into the landmass.

The first thing he noticed was just how many enderman there were, reminding himself to keep his gaze low so he didn’t attract their attention. In the center of the island was a fountain-like structure made of bedrock, something he’d only seen on school trips into the deep mines. Next to the fountain was a monstrous skeleton, the skull of which was larger than Jordan was tall. It looked almost reptilian in nature, with a horned frill and long sharp teeth. The Beast, he realized. The beast the ‘Heroes’ had killed was a dragon, a creature from myth and fairy tales. 

As Jordan looked around further, he was beginning to fear that all this had been for nothing. There had to be more here, it couldn’t be just this. There had to be something else, something relating to Ianite. 

An enderman teleported across the island. Behind it, Jordan caught a glimpse of the same lavender stone the obelisks at the oasis had been made of. Curiously he walked over to investigate, eyes widening in understanding as it came fully into view. It was a Temple. A decaying and crumbling Temple, but a Temple nonetheless.  The roof was mostly caved in, only the front pediment was mildly intact, the lavender stone balancing almost precariously on top of a series of pure white columns, quartz if he had to guess. The walls of the Temple seemed intact enough as entered, wary and wondering. 

It was emptier than the Temples dedicated to the other Gods that he’d been in. No pews or places for private prayer, simply a large room filled with the stone remains of the roof. Purple flowers in varieties he’d never seen sprouted up from in between the cracks in the floor, interspersed with flowers he did recognize, lilies of the valley and lavender sprigs. The drooping white lilies were a symbol of returning happiness and the lavender a symbol of feminine elegance, his mother loved painting them both because of it. Moss and vines had somehow found their way in as well, growing uncontrollably up and around the remains of grand columns and archways. But the most eye catching thing was the statue of a woman before an immense and intricate stained glass window, her arms outstretched in a pose of strength and grace. It was her. Ianite.  

He approached and without really considering his actions, fell to his knees before her. He’d never prayed to a God before, had never felt that it was his right. But he’d seen others do it all his life, he knew how it traditionally went. He reached into his bag and pulled out a flint and steel, carefully lighting the end of a stick to use as a match. Surrounding the base of the statues were the stump ends of purple candles, melted to almost nothing, wicks blacked to charcoal. He lit those first, one at a time. Next he removed the offerings he’d prepared, it was said that every God had their favored items and the more valuable an item you presented, the greater blessing you would receive. With no knowledge of what she may want, he’d done his best. He laid diamonds and emeralds before her, as many as he could truly spare. But also, he presented the book that had sent him on this journey. He’d memorized every word and while he wasn’t sure what use it might have to her, the idea of offering something so significant to him felt right. 

Jordan looked up to her then, the statue. Much like the rest of the Temple, it had seen better days. It was cracked and broken in places, a finger on one hand missing entirely, the hem of her dress ragged and eroded, her face barely more than a hint at an expression, shards of ender pearl where her eyes ought to be. Twin cracks traced down her cheeks like tears. She may have been forgotten, but she still deserved better. 

He spread his arms wide, mimicking her pose. He swallowed, hesitant for what he was about to do. The Champions of the Gods were the only ones who were supposed to speak directly to the Gods themselves. The rest of the kingdom spoke only to priests and disciples who relayed the messages, and ‘Godless’ Outcasts like Jordan? Well, the last priest he’d spoken to had laughed him from the Temple because he’d dared insinuate that there was someone besides the two Gods. Still, he’d spent a long time trying to form the words he wanted to say to her. He was not here just for himself, but for all the Godless outcasts that could use the blessing of a Goddess.  

I don’t know if you can hear me Or if you’re even there I don’t know if you would listen to a humble prayer

Yes, I know I’m just an outcast I shouldn’t speak to you Still I see your face and wonder Were you once an outcast too?

God help the outcasts Hungry from birth Show them the mercy They don't find on Earth God help my people We look to you still God help the outcasts Or nobody will

He wasn’t sure when he’d started crying but he didn’t wipe his tears away, looking into her eyes. He’d never felt so humbled in his life nor felt anything as strongly as he felt now. All his life he’d wondered what it felt like to pray to the Gods and have them supposedly listen. The prayers he’d heard though, had often been selfish. Requests for self-betterment, wealth, fame, glory, love. It made him wonder what kind of Gods Mianite and Dianite must be if their followers prayed so selfishly. 

I ask for nothing I can get by But I know so many Less lucky than I

Please help my people The poor and down-trod I thought we all were children of Gods

God help the outcasts Children of Gods

He felt lighter when the words finally left him. Something in his heart had lifted, a weight he’d not realized he’d been carrying. A smile found its way to his lips as he wiped the moisture from his eyes. Jordan bowed his head to Lady Ianite for a moment, even if this had all been for nothing, at least he could return to the Capital with a new sense of purpose. He would spread the word of her existence, tell people of the third option, restore the belief in her. Maybe it would bring her back, maybe not. Either way, he felt she deserved it. 

Jordan got to his feet and with a grin said “Alright My Lady, let’s see what I can do about fixing this place up eh? I’m not the best at building but I’ll do what I can.”  

He worked through what he thought was the entire day, humming and whistling to himself and occasionally asking questions out loud to Ianite as if she could answer.

“What do you think? Leave all the flowers or just leave certain ones? I personally kind of like them all here, you’ve never probably seen the Temples in the Overworld but they’re kind of lifeless. I think the flowers add a nice touch. Maybe just a path through the center…?” 

He stopped to eat, sitting against the inside front wall of the Temple and just looking. It was better already. He’d gotten most of the chunks of the ceiling pulled aside, at least the ones he was strong enough to move, as well as the remnants of the columns and arches. He’d pulled up the dead flowers and plants and lit the torches that lined the walls. Yes, it was looking a lot better than when he’d found it. Still not perfect, he didn’t have the tools or supplies to fix it in its entirety, not yet at least. But he would. Now that he knew where the portal was, he could return to the Overworld and stock up then come back. 

He yawned widely. With no sun or moon he had no way to tell just how long he’d been here. If he was this tired, it must’ve been at least a whole day. It certainly wasn’t respectful of him to sleep in here but the alternative was sleeping out in the open surrounded by who knew how many enderman. “You don’t mind do you Milady? Just this once. I promise.” He yawned again, settling back against the wall and letting his eyes slip shut.

As his breathing evened out, every candle on the altar suddenly extinguished in a gust of air. The enderpearl shards in the eyes of the statue began to glow weakly and then with a single graceful step, a woman stepped from the stone. Her hair and dress floated around her as if she was underwater, her entire being mostly transparent. She leaned down to pick up the book that had been left to her, smiling faintly. He’d done so well to get here on his own. With nothing to go on but this book and his own feelings, he’d come to her. She could not think of a single person more deserving in this world of behind her Champion.

The Spirit of Ianite drifted through the Temple, the flowers waving delicately as she passed over them. She came to rest in front of him. His eyes were shut and entirely body relaxed, soft snores leaving him. 

“Thank you for all you’ve done. I know you will go on to do a great many more things in my name. I am honored to bless you as my Champion.” She spoke into his dreams. 

Ever so gently she wrapped her hand around his left forearm, shutting her eyes to channel her power. Upon his skin, a golden tattoo spiraled into existence. The pattern was varied, eyes and flowers and abstract symbols of balance all flowing together into a single piece of artwork. She felt the connection between them blossom to life like one of the chorus flowers that decorated the Temple. She could feel his mortality like a steady beat in her mind, the reassuring thump thump, thump thump of his heart. Ianite basked in the sensation for a moment, so new but still so welcome. He stirred beneath her touch, his subconscious reacting to their new connection. 

She pressed her lips to her fingertips and whispered “I will answer your prayers my Champion. I will visit the others in their dreams as I will visit you. They will know you as my Champion and it is through you that my name will return to the world of mortals.” then with the utmost care, touched her fingertips to his temple to complete the blessing. 

Ianite drifted back to her statue, looking back over her shoulder with a fond smile one last time before vanishing.

[who-ever-said-i-was-nice]

Mtach up thing please! <3

Female, INFJ-T, Sagittarius. 155cm (tiny potato, just dont smash it on my face or I will get insecure)I would never, brown eyes, long light brown hair, pale with freckless. Average-skinny. Wear glasses for study/work which is basically 24/7 same and have some tattoos here and there.

I think Im more of an ambivert but more close to the introvert side. I’m smiley but still people tend to tell me that they thought I was rude (or directly a bitch) highly doubt it they just jealous but found out I’m not that bad, guess that’s on bitch resting face :( nope :) better. Socially awkward but after I get comfortable I fool around a lot, memes and vine references give me life. I tend to do the opposite of what I’ve been told just because I don’t like it when people order me things.pffff can relate Tho I’m shy I will not hesitate to step up if someone is being rude with someone specially if is towards a friend or someone close to me. I try to be very caring and supportive for anything you will need but also empathic, I cry if someone cries kjdfhgk but try to hold it together so I can help and not make feel worse the other person you seem very nice pls be my friend

I’m sensitive, I get stressed and anxious easily and for that I constantly have headaches and stomach ache,noooooo :( I have a whole self-care routine to help me with that or else I will, without a doubt ,get sick. I don’t like places that are too crowded or very loud noises, it makes me nervous. I’m your “will cry if gets too anxious” person. yup you are to innocent and cute to be my friend I’m either “Mama bear” scary or “will murder you in your sleep” scary.....I’m just a marshmallow tho

I like reading welcome to the bookworm club, learning random things. I love art in general, music, painting, dancing, etc. I love animals too! All of them, cats, dogs, birds, frogs, please let them all in(but my weak spot are cats, I cant deny it). I’m vegan, try to make it the most healthy possible (eating well, taking vitamin D and B12 to not die that was funnier than all of my jokes combined i died ). Sugar is my passion and my minimum 4 tsp of sugar per coffee knows it(this is where the I eAt HeAlThYy goes to hell xD damn right lmao, you still healthier then me). When it comes to music I like a bit of everything, I will be listening alternative rock or metal and then jump to kpop, tho I’ve been into chill lofi lately, specially when is mix of a series or movie cause nostalgia hits hard and I’m into that shit kjhjk I also have a playlist of Disney, anime or movie songs/soundtracks because it helps me to study or work more motivated, your girl needs motivation to not stare into space for 1 hour straight,kjkiijjioh same tho Im quite disperse, I always forget where I put things and then blame the goblins for that, but it turns out, it was on my hand all the time lollol

I study art online, I want to be a concept or background artist for animation, I used to study animation on a university but dropped because the pressure was too much and never could get along with the university itself, every week was a fight about something (Im not problematic I swear, I try to be the most chill out-care free possible but I swear the system is horrible here :( )yeah it happens sucks that you had to go through it. I’m also learning complimentary therapies! (I think that’s how it is on english) Reiki, tarot, pendulum, past lifes and such, Im into esoterical/”mystical” things.

For hobbies I do embroidery, sewing, read, stare into space for 1 hour and yoga (this is part of the self care routine to not die).

My favorite season is autumn or early spring, I dont handle too hot weather or the sun well, I like winter and rainy days but then I get so cold that I invernate on bed the whole day.

For relationships I think communication is key, I know is not easy but is the only way to make it work :( and cuddles, please cuddle me and pet my head, I will be on your palms if you scratch my head. I can be very touchy, like holding hands and hugs but I dont like it if someone who is not a very close friend or my partner does it, I just dont know how to react or do kfdhlk I prefer my personal space untouched :(  Im so sorry it was so long!! I wanted to do it very detailed but sHoRt to not make you think so hard with who match up me but maybe tmi is just the opposite for you, if so Im truly sorry! :( I think you are an angel just for trying to match up me with someone <3 ahhh, yes, the matchup (take a shot for everytime i said match up on this paragraph game) for ikevamp please! <3

4 shots huh.Ahahahahhahhhahahhahahhhah...... Don’t worry about the length. The longer the better right. Right? I’m nasty I’ll stop. Also yes I went through it and left little notes within the text. Why, because I’m cool. Hopefully. One day. Anyway!

I matched you with...............

                                        .......................ISAAC!!!!!

My sweet baby angel little boy

Isaac is very,very shy so it took him some time to warm up to you

but that does not mean that he didn’t like you

oh no no no

on the contrary

Isaac died every single time you passed him

he didn’t understand how someone could be so perfect

you took his breath away

him not being the tales man actually liked that you were shorter then him

you see, because men are supposed t be tall and strong and all that crap, plus being around Leo, who scores a 10 in all of those, made him quite insecure about his, well, actually everything

the way he talked, or rather didn’t, his height, that fact that he wasn’t jacked like some of the guys in the mansion, or, you know, at least in his mind

he isn’t exactly the fighter type either

he’s a scientist after all, not a worrier

and this made him feel like he didn’t deserve you, because he couldn’t protect you

 oh my, sweetheart no

you on the other hand, think he is amazing

I mean not all people know all the constellations name and position by heart, nor can they carve amazingly cute wooden toys and decorations, nor are the university professores and just so happen to be an absolute physics geniuses so yeah

both of you being quite reserved, it took you ages to get together

but when you did it was the most amazing thing ever

he confessed to you one night while you where stargazing

it went a little something like this:

You: Thank you for bringing me out. It’s so beautiful!

Isaac: Yes. Like you.

You: *eyes emoji*

Isaac takes your hand, blushes hard, and even though he wanted to look into your eyes he couldn’t bring himself to, in fear of loosing himself in them

“Y/n ever since I first laid eyes on you I knew that I needed you in my life. You make me feel so comfortable by the just being here with me. You are funny, lighthearted and so welcoming and accepting. I love when you sit next to me in the library, I love it when we stargaze, I love how you ask me oh so many questions. How you are so eager to learn everything. Yet you are so quiet and shy. It’s amazing really. and in those moments I fell like I love it even more. The comfortable silence we can both sit in. The look we share, were we somehow always know what the other is thinking without even asking. I love your hair falls and frames your face perfectly. Those adorable freckles are driving me mad you know? Your petite features always astound me. So small yet so pretty. How is it even possible? However I don’t expect you to reciprocate my feelings. It doesn’t matter how much I adore you, I can’t protect you. I am not what a man is supposed to be. I’m not strong and tough Y/n, I’m just a scientist. However I felt the need to tell you this. To tell you my true feeling. I love you Y/N. I really do.”

Isaac sat there with tears streaming down his face

he couldn’t look at you

he just waited for the rejection to slap him in the face

however it didn’t come

you cupped his wet cheek gently and he looked up to see your tear stained face

you slowly pull him towards you and kiss him

it was so gentle and full of love

you pulled away tears still pouring down your faces

however these weren’t tears of sadness, but of joy

you both laughed as Isaac pulled you into a hug

well.....

i may or may not be crying writing this

yes I definitely am that is totally the case

anywhoo

after this it is smooth sailing

cutest couple ever

And that is it! Sorry if this is lame and it literally took forever. Thank you for the request though.! Have an amazing day and be safe!

[makeupbychio]

to our baby // C.H

Pairing : Calum Hood x Female Reader.

Words : 7.9k

Summary : You’re a makeup artist from Brazil, and by accident you met Calum on Christmas Eve in a Uber. The question is whose Uber was it? Yours or his? but one thing is for sure, he believes in soulmates. A glimpse of your pregnancy in a video.

Warnings : Fluff, fluff and fluff. Angst, mentions of miscarriage and blood. 

Inspired by : Kylie Jenner’s pregnancy video. I don’t know if you like Kylie but Stormi is the real goat. Classic rom com movies. Love for Brazil and the family that I have there. Blue music video by Beyoncé. Kehlani’s pregnancy. Baby fever.

a/n : hi babies, so I love dad!sos more than myself. I poured my heart on this one and hope you like it. Feedback is more than welcome and love y’all. Happy reading. Also this give me such rich vibes because, duh, successful parents. Also I did the moodboard and it’s the first time I did one.

2 months

Your best friend Natali decided to start recording this moment, and that’s how your video starts with a soft piano melody that Calum created for the entire video.

“Are you recording this?” you said looking at your bestie’s phone.

“Yeah, cause’ it is official” your bestie said pointing at the doctor’s monitor. A little peanut of 7 weeks growing inside you. Your doctor is rubbing that cold gel in your belly and your eyes are looking at the monitor with bright, shiny, sparkly eyes but inside you are afraid too. “Hi baby, this is your mommy”.

+

3 days ago…

You’re in a cafe with your best friend, it’s almost night time when you decided to go for a cup of hot chocolate and a good slice of cake that you’d been craving the whole week. Calum, your boyfriend is on press tour promoting the last two singles so you’d been hanging out with your best friend.

Once you’re walking back to your place, suddenly you started to feel like crap and disgusted by the smell of coffee that a stranger was drinking and passed by you. Your best friend noticed when you gagged and told you to hold on till the next shop.

“Hi Marcela!” your bestie said to the cashier of the shop. You should have say hi too but you ran to the bathroom. “Sorry, she ate something” she said waiting for you in the other side of the door. Once you were done you were still feeling like trash.

“Hi Marcela and don’t worry I didn’t spot anything” you said. Marcela’s your best friend’s cousin. They’re from Brazil, so do you. She works in a big pharmacy, that the owner’s her brother, Pablo. “How is that pretty boy who plays the guitar?” she asked you, and you laughed that she didn’t ask about how are you.

“You just saw him a couple of weeks ago” you said. “How are you tho?”.

“Ya’ know, excited for the surgery” she said referring to her breast surgery and you’re so happy to see her finally in the process of a trans woman. “Well, before you go you should go back to the bathroom with this, on the house” she said giving you a pregnancy test. Before you refused, Marcela interrupted you. “Your boyfriend’s birthday party was wild so I’m just sayin’” your best friend gave her a look to behave. “I mean I don’t judge you with that hottie and a wild night” she said pushing you back to the bathroom.

You didn’t give her an answer, because she was right of what happened that night after you and Calum were alone. Ugh, in that moment you wanted him in the other side of that door and not your friends that are just making you more nervous.

“I would like to have his babies too if I could” Marcela tried to break the ice of this moment with a joke and your best friend punched her to be quiet. “What?! I’m just trying to make her laugh”.

“Y/N? U okay? 10 minutes have passed” Natali said knocking the door.

“I’m too coward to look at the result” you said in a shy voice in the other side. Your friends looked at each other and encouraged you by telling you that whatever the result is they are going to be with you and support you.

You left the bathroom to show them the two lines in the test. It’s positive. You’re pregnant. It wasn’t the first time tho, but that story’s for later.

+

“This is how I found out about you” your best friend said to the camera. “Your mother and I were living our lives having fun and working hard when she met your father”.

“I think that the story of your parents is unique, your dad loves to tell how he met your mother” Mali said to the camera.

“Once I saw in a well known tv show that you met your soulmate three times before being together. I didn’t believe it cause’ I used to think that love is a scam but one day…” Calum said to the camera. He remembered when he listened that line while watching this tv show he said ‘fuck off’ but kept watching it. Two days after that he finally met you.

+

3 years ago…

It was Christmas Eve, and your biggest opportunity in your career as a makeup artist. You won this with a lot of effort. You had 5 clients that day, everyone wanted to get all glam for the day by you. You were late because there was no taxi or Uber available until one driver accepted your call. It was snowing and the Uber arrived outside one of your client’s house and you ran with your suitcases full of makeup.

Once you sat in the back of the car, a guy entered the car too, hurry like you.

“Excuse me?” you asked him. “This is my car, you must have another car plate”.

“Hell nah miss. I’ve been waiting for twelve minutes” he said showing you his phone he noticed your accent and your beauty.

“I have the same one!” you showed him your phone. “Please, I’m late for work” you begged him.

“I’m late too!” he resisted.

“Can you please tell this man that I called you first?” you asked the driver.

“Sorry, the app is crazy today so maybe the system gave to me your calls” the driver said through the rear-view mirror. “But I got her call first, sorry buddy”.

“Ugh thank you! Why you don’t go on your car? For sure you have a car if you live in this neighborhood” you said at the strange man of the leather jacket.

“My car is in the mechanic" he said. “Please please I will call your couple to explain why you are late if you let me take this Uber”.

“Excuse me?! I said I’m late for work!” you were tired and you have two clients left and one of them is a billionaire, so you started to get angry at him who didn’t understand that you’re in a hurry.

“Work? You must have a boring life” he said before leaving the car. You were not going to tell him your life and explain yourself. You thought to gave him the middle finger but it’s not the day for that, you just told the driver to go.

Two months after that episode you were doing a beautiful gold eye look on a tall and handsome guy. He’s so nice and you found cute when he asked you about makeup, skincare and your career.

“So if you want more intensity with the pigment you have to spray setting spray directly to the brush and then take a little of the shadow” you told Luke when you are done with his makeup.

It was the day when they were recording Valentine’s music video.

“Dude we are waiting for you, what the hell?” Calum asked Luke when he arrived the set.

“Sorry the makeup artist is so cool we were talking a little bit. She told me she’s from Brazil and her skin looks amazing. I’m going to say to call her again for the next videos” Luke said showing the guys how amazing he feels with his gold makeup.

Calum wanted a little bit of glitter on his cheeks, but when he went to the room where you did Luke’s makeup. He didn’t find you. Another makeup artist told him that you had to do Lady Gaga’s makeup for a magazine cover when he asked about you.

Calum was going to ask how she ended doing Luke’s makeup if she does biggest celebrities looks because he was surprised and realized that she (you) must be a talented MUA. But he forgot to ask.

Two months after again. 5sos were going to Coachella but not to perform. They were excited for the weekend to have fun and to see all their favorites musicians on stage.

This festival is all about outfits, makeup, accessories, influencers, etc. But also to get to know upcoming good artists from different countries and music genres.

“Ashley how we end up here? I don’t speak portuguese” The boys said to their friend who wanted to see a brazilian artist.

“Me neither! But I love Pabllo so much” Halsey said. “Please, come on! It will be fun I promise”.

Once in the VIP section, Luke hugged a girl that Calum didn’t recognize. 

“Look Y/N” Luke said showing you to rate the glitter he applied.

“It looks amazing!” you said. And after that Luke introduced you to the rest of the boys telling them about the makeup you did on him for Valentine’s video, and Halsey recognized you since she’s a fan of makeup and to be honest you should be the one who is glad to meet her.

“Hey I think I know you from somewhere” Calum said trying to remember your face and before you said something and before the boys said a dirty joke, Calum remembered. “You stole my Uber! It was my Uber”. After a couple of jokes, and you clarifying that you didn’t stole anything, the show started.

Pabllo is the first brazilian drag queen to perform in this huge festival. You were Pabllo’s makeup artist, Calum didn’t need to ask you that. He saw you enjoying the show.

“This look is amazing” Calum said about the pink look you did on Pabllo. You thanked him for that compliment because it took you almost two hours.

“I also did chilean and argentinian artists makeup” you said proud of your work for this two weekends. After this song Pabllo is performing you have to go backstage to touch up the makeup. So after you said bye to everyone and before you went back to work Calum invited you to their place where they are staying for an after party when Beyoncé closes this festival’s day.

And after that, you two have been inseparable.

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Today your career’s immensely different. Today you’re one of the most famous MUA in the industry. With a lot of famous clients, most of them billionaires including people from music, films, fashion industries, etc. You also opened a makeup studio in LA. This took you years, hard work, tears, sweat and blood to be who you’re today, always proud to be an immigrant. Nobody believes you when you told the story how you get into makeup. You come from a poor town in Brazil and every single night when you were in highschool you ran away from home to go to bars and do drag queens makeup, since then you’re friends with Pabllo and every brazilian drag queen.

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“Like I was saying this is how she told your father about you” your best friend said while in the video that moment’s playing. You and Calum are in Arraial Do Cabo beach, your favorite since you have memory. It was sunset time, you were standing in the water holding hands when you told Calum the big new. The 35mm video shows how Calum lifts you up and kisses you so tenderly with the beautiful crystalline water as the background while he kneels to kiss your exposed belly in your bikini.

Of course you asked your doctor if you could travel to Brazil, your homeland. This was a trip that you planned with Calum for so long, you missed your family so much and also you didn’t want to cancel it since it was also Calum’s vacations. Once you arrived back your parents house you told them and your brothers (you’re the younger sibling) the big new. All of them cried and hugged you and for dinner your mom did all of your favorites brazilian dishes and desserts that you missed so much and you have to eat for you and the baby.

It was summer in Brazil and that night there was a storm but hot as fuck, as always. You were looking at the beauty of the city during night while you waited for Calum for bed time after an amazing day. He showed you the pictures he took during the day, he didn’t know if your glow was because you were at home, like when he visits Australia, or if it was the pregnancy. 

The next day you decided to go for a picnic with your family, a tradition you have. You went to the same place that is close to your old house. The picnic area has multiples simple grass courts where kids play football. You filmed the moments when Calum and your brothers started playing with the kids of the neighborhood including your nephews, your heart melted to that view of the children laughing when Calum failed a goal and Calum’s heart melted at the view of you playing with your nephews in the grass and then dancing with them. They love to show you what they had learned about samba and capoeira. The only thing on Calum’s mind was that it feels just right with you and that he can not wait to live what he’s watching, with you. With each of them holding your hands you came back to picnic table.

“Baby you’re going to have amazing avós, tios and primos” you said while filming your family members that picnic day. Your parents kissing your forehead and your brothers filming you playing carefully with them the match. 

“She still has it” your eldest brother said to the camera and then filming the picnic day. You can’t explain how much you love your family. You bought them a house in a good side of the city when you became rich. You were dreaming that your whole life because you came from a really poor part of Brazil but with the hard work of your mom, as a hairdresser, and your dad as a fisherman, you always had food and a house full of love. You consider your step dad like your real father, because he’s been there for you since day one and he taught you almost everything of life.

The first time Calum went to Brazil to meet your family, he already knew about your step dad. He and your brothers were harsh with Calum. The three of them have been always protecting you. When they realized how much Calum loves you, they treated him like family. Calum admires that coming from your step dad, and more than ever he has to show you that he would never do what your biological father did to you. He’s going to be the best dad in the world because he always wanted this with you.

Your last night in Brazil you found yourself looking at the balcony. You were sad for leaving again and for an specific memory. Calum noticed you were not sleeping and he knows you better than himself.

“Why you told me that you were scared to tell me the big new” he asked you. You told him that you didn’t know how he was going to react. And also because you didn’t know if he still wanted a family with you after your miscarriage you had last year.

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1 year ago…

You never understand why the brain always remember the bad moments or the traumas. Sometimes you feel like this happened yesterday and some nights still haunts you. It was your mistake even when everyone told you that it wasn’t your fault. But it was.

You were back from Europe after all the fashion weeks in different countries. You travelled a lot, with no stop doing tons of makeup looks to tons of models to almost every designer that called you. Back in LA you continued with your clients and your studio.

You remembered that night, Calum was back too from the shows they did in Australia and New Zealand. Both of you were exhausted. In the middle of the night you started to feel feverish and thirsty so you went for water downstairs. Before you passed out you felt a strong ache in your back. The noise your body did against the floor got Duke in a second running where you were. He started barking when his help didn’t work which woke up Calum. He knew something was happening because you were not in bed and Duke was desperate. When he found you in the kitchen floor he called emergency when he saw blood in your shorts, he waited the ambulance next to you and holding you all scared because he had no idea what was happening.

In the hospital when the doctors did all the exams and gave you the medication you needed, your doctor went outside to talk to Calum explaining him what happened. You didn’t know you were pregnant until the moment you woke up and your doctor explained to you the same. Your doctor told you that the cause was the non-stop work you did, without eating well or drinking water, sleeping less than 4 hours, too much flights and the baby couldn’t make it. After a couple of days in the hospital to recover, your doctor told you to stay and rest at home all the time you needed. Calum was there for you all the time, taking care of you and letting you know he loves you, even when you felt guilty and barely could look at his eyes.  You always thanked him for what he did because after that you thought he was going to break up with you. Your family, the guys and friends were there for you too and until today you go to a therapist.

Despite all the sadness that brought you the hardest time you had ever lived. It taught you to take care of yourself, to put your health first and to slow down with work even when it’s your passion. So now when your doctor said that you were pregnant, you decided to keep this a secret until your baby is born. You want to live to the fullest this pregnancy, taking care of you and your child, so that’s why you don’t want any paparazzis following you everywhere or things that damage your mental health because you don’t want the baby to feel your anxiety or panic over unnecessary scenarios.

You told your loved ones your plan, you told just the right amount of people that you were pregnant, people who you can trust. You told your clients the secret and that you were going to work and keep doing their makeup until you start to show.

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“He just told us like ‘hey look at this’ and for our surprise it was the first ultrasound scan” Michael said to the camera while a video of that moment plays. Calum telling the boys that like if it was a simple meme on instagram, their faces, reactions by jumping and screaming were priceless. “And we were so confused and I remembered I said ‘wait this a baby’”.

“Come on guys!” Luke said when you and Calum were goofing around the arena during soundcheck playing like kids and hugging each other. Then in the dressing room waiting for the show cuddling in the sofa laying your bodies in the limited space, Calum’s kissing your nose and the rest of your face and you’re caressing his cheeks and stubble softly with your nails. You promised Calum that you’re going to be careful every single show you will come to see him.

“Every single picture or video you find about your parents, you can see the chemistry” Andy, who is the director of this video, said to the camera and then a video he did for Calum’s birthday party is playing. “Everybody say happy birthday to Cal… one, two, three!” Ashton said through the microphone when it was time to sing at Calum. Then you two kissing and partying, and then leaving the club with all the flashes directly to your faces and other cool little moments of you two playing in the video to show how could your baby’s parents are.

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3 months

You were in your first trimester when Calum found himself stepping into the elevator for the ultrasound which is going to reveal your baby’s gender. Andy’s filming everything and zoomed to little details that showed that Calum was nervous and anxious to see and hear his baby for the first time. He’s waiting for you that you’re on your way after doing a client’s makeup.

Your style have always been so urban and grunge. You always wear baggy shirts with cool designs on it or bands/singers merch or vintage shirts. And now it’s even more comfortable to you wearing that.

Luke was waiting for you to drive you to the clinic. It wasn’t a surprise when you saw paparazzis pictures of you arriving with Luke and rumors were already on social media but till the end everyone denied your pregnancy. But it was funny but crazy some of the rumors.

Plastic surgery, that you were cheating Calum with Luke, that you were expecting a baby, etc.

“Please guys, leave her alone” Luke said to the paps when he got out the car. He had to lie but he wanted to scream at them to give you space because of the baby but he couldn’t. Everyone was so protective with you and you understood because none of you wanted you live another miscarriage.

If it depends on Calum, he prefers that you don’t lift heavy things or anything that requires too much effort. “How are you feeling today baby mama?” he asked knowing about your morning sickness. You told him that you were perfect that you just want to know the gender of your baby.

“You’re fifteen weeks now” your doctor said rubbing again the cold gel against your belly. Calum was in a chair next to you rubbing your leg focused watching the monitor just like you. 

“Hey chief u are putting too much pressure on” Calum said on the defensive watching how hard the doctor was pressing the gel in your belly.

“Don’t worry, Calum. It’s just the skin. There she is” the doctor said once finally found the perfect take of the baby checking every detail and told you both that everything is okay.

“She? Can we hear the heartbeat?” Calum asked already covering his mouth and he can feel the chills going down his body tearing a little bit. Andy who was inside the room, zoomed to the monitor and also the only one who knew the gender before the reveal party.

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4 months

Make it last forever

Come on, baby, won’t you hold on to me, hold on to me?

You and I together

Come on, baby, won’t you hold on to me, hold on to me?

Blue

Calum till the present day after your baby was born, he sings this song to her at nights. His voice activated your baby, she really loves her daddy’s voice and she showed her joy with shorts kicks in your belly. She demanded when she missed Calum’s voice or warm touch or when she was having a really good time after he sang or talked to her.

“Babe I think your daughter’s having a party in there” you said feeling her feet. You also had your mom and daughter quality time, you talked to her most of the times telling her typical brazilian stories your mom told you once, or giving her a couple of wise words or you also sing to her even when you can’t compare your voice with Calum’s with brazilian or typical lullabies.

“Hi baby, I know you love this private concerts at night but mommy has to sleep too” he said closer to your bump. Calum helped her to go to sleep by telling her stories or how he can’t wait to have her in his arms. “Well, as I can see you want to be awake I’m going to tell how I met your gorgeous mother” he started. He keeps telling that story too, you always tease that she’s going to get bored of the story but Calum tells the story every single time with more love.

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5 months

Short videos of yourself in sweats and your bra showing your growing belly of five months in the backyard taking the sun of LA and the spring that is left. Then in the pool, next with Duke aka your partner of naps when Calum was in the studio, who at the first months he laid his head on top of your belly but now that is bigger he just lays next to it.

Since you got your doctor’s confirmation, you did mini videos in the mirror of your bathroom to see the progress. Filming from different angles with different clothes like underwear or bikini, short or long dresses, thigh or loose, etc. Calum loves to appear in the take behind you kissing your neck and landing his hands in your belly. Now talking about bathroom, he also loves to help you to get into and out the shower, wrapping you with towels, putting your socks or shoes if you can’t reach your feet, zipping up your dress and if you had a rough day he prepares you a bath with bubbles and candles and joins you. He loves doing all of the previous thing before you got pregnant. You do by yourself your makeup, of course, but he teases you about he’ll be an amazing makeup artist.

“Not after what you did to me that time” you said at him remembering that funny video when he did your makeup.

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When Andy isn’t around you’re in charge of filming like early in the morning when you wake up before Calum. Every morning he woke up with his head near your belly and his warm touch around. He looks so at peace sleeping because you know that the previous night he fell asleep late talking with the baby, it’s been his routine lately so in the morning you take the camera and film your view, you take the opportunity to brush Cal’s messy morning curls with your fingers for a while.

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6 months

Calum had a surprise for you since you couldn’t travel to Brazil or neither to Australia because it was too risky as your doctor said. He told you that today you two have Ashton’s birthday lunch. He wasn’t lying because it was Ashton’s birthday but also the surprise he had so he was filming since early in the morning.

“Babe can you help me, please?” you called him from your shared room. He went upstair with his camera.

“Damn look at you! Baby mama slaying!” he praised you looking at you with troubles with the unzipped dress. You blushed but gave him a pose with your belly at the camera.

“Please help me, next week I have to buy clothes and underwear that can fit me” you turned and he slowly helped you because he didn’t want to damage the dress that barely was fitting on you. “You can say it” you said with a pout since you noticed that any piece of your clothes were fitting you.

Calum knowing about your hormones and how you’re feeling with the shape of your body, which he thinks that you can’t look more precious but understand your struggle, he just wanted you to feel good. “You look amazing honey and you know how much I love this dress” he said with a smirk and hugging you to kiss your neck and grab your ass.

“Okay Hood, let’s go if you don’t want to have twins…daddy” you teased him before he got more horny. You winked at him and grabbed your bag to go downstairs but he stopped you.

“I think that with this you’re going to look even hotter” he gave to you a luxury package ready for your reaction. You opened it and found the shiniest gold heavy chain, you looked at him shocked. “I got a similar one too, it represents the name we choose for our baby” he said and you were already tearing up and told him that it’s beautiful and he told you not to worry knowing that the next thing you were going to say that it wasn’t necessary because of the price. Once outside you kissed him before he helped you to get into the car.

“Still don’t understand why Ash’s going to celebrate his birthday two days before” you asked Calum while he’s driving.

Calum’s a really bad liar but he did his best to keep his surprise. “I told you babe, he’s going to be in Australia for the next weeks”. Lie. And you remembered how mad you were at Ash when he told you because he was going to miss the baby shower.

But once you arrived Ash’s place and went to the living room and saw a bunch of people jumping and screaming ‘surprise’ at you, you got scared and hid your face on Calum’s neck and he can felt a few tears because your and Cal’s families are here. You hugged everyone and thanked Calum once again for this. “I love you so much”.

“Love ya’ more” he said smiling down at you and kissed your crown. And the next day both of you and your families, the guys, close friends like your MUA’s friends and from the music industry were at your place. You’re wearing a more comfortable outfit than the day before, it was a black fitted midi tank dress and a rainbow tie-dyed hoodies that you and Calum ordered for the baby shower theme because you don’t like that thing that pink is for girls and blue for boys so everyone’s wearing the colorful outfit.

You’re posing in your garden full of beautiful flowers of different colors as everyone’s taking you pictures.

“More to the side” Mali said to have the perfect picture of you and your baby. Andy was filming every moment and zoomed it when you waved at his camera and the other hand on your belly. Then pictures with Calum, then the families, the guys, and everyone who was invited. Every single person can noticed your happiness and pure joy, you were glowing and even more with your soft peachy glowy makeup you did.

In the video the zoom’s now on your and Calum’s matching chains that you were wearing minutes before the reveal. 

“Goddammit just say it!” Michael screamed impatient.

“Yeah, I bet Michael that it’s a boy” Luke said. They actually did bet five hundred.

“Why would you do that?!” Ashton stole words that Calum was going to say.

“Cause’ Y/N has two brothers and two nephews, maths Ash!” Luke said confident about his prediction.

Duke was hiding inside a box with the truth. When you both opened the box, Duke came out with a mini billboard hanging on his collar that says ‘It’s a GIRL!” 

“YES!” Everyone screamed but mostly Michael because now he won those five hundred dollars.

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“Definitely I’m going to be her godfather” Michael said looking at the guys. Andy asked them to say something for the video, they were sitting in the couch.

“Hell nah Michael… Focus! We have to say something to our niece” Luke said at him. “Hi kiddo, unfortunately we’re also your uncles, I’m uncle Luke and just wanna to let you know that you have the coolest family ever and you can count on us for everything”.

“Yeah, I hope you guys have clear that we’re going to spoil this baby a lot” Michael said looking at you and Calum, you nodded at him and he with his partner made it clear by bringing tons of gifts for the baby shower. “Cool, I’m just going to say that never be ashamed of who you are or your dreams and I know I’m going to be your favorite uncle because your birthday’s going to be near mine”. Michael said to the camera while he did his thing with his hair of always adjusting it.

“Hi dear niece, uncle Ash here, you’re so lucky to have your parents and they’re lucky to have you. Hope you have your mother’s features cause’ she’s hot…” Calum slapped his head from behind due to the comment. “Okay! your dad isn’t that bad tho…being serious live to the fullest cause’ life’s beautiful, especially if you play drums” Ashton laughed and you rolled your eyes at how all of them including Calum had been discussing which instrument the baby’s going to love most.

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7 months

“You have to exercise, you gained ten pounds that weren’t planned” your doctor said. “Something light of course, and Calum, by the way you’re looking at me all scared, don’t worry cause’ everything’s going to be okay”.

“I’ve been craving a lot lately, I’m going to start again” you said swinging your legs like a child sitting once your doctor finished cleaning the gel of your belly. So the next morning you started again with yoga, you stopped for a month and that happened. You did yoga every morning with your personal trainer, since you can’t go to her studio because the secret will be revealed. Calum was also there encouraging you and sometimes Ashton, who assured you that he wasn’t there because he finds your trainer attractive.

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@enews: Is Y/N pregnant? She’d been seen attending at 5sos shows this week and fans took pictures of her enjoying the show in the middle of the arena with friends and family in the restricted space. In the pictures we can see that she gained weight by her cheeks. In the picture you can’t see if there is a baby or not due to her outfits. She, with her husband Calum also are the last ones to leave the arenas asking the bodyguards to make sure there is no paps. What do you think? It’s confusing because she and Calum have been posting a lot lately and you can’t be sure about a little 5sos member coming BUT fans are saying that maybe they’re posting old stuff to confuse us and also fans called to respect their decision after what happened to the couple last year. Link in our bio to see the pictures.

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“Do you want to say something to your granddaughter?” your brother asked with the camera to your parents and you melted at how cute your family looked with the hoodies on. 

“Ugh, I can’t wait to hold you, kiss you, hug you, teaching you things that maybe your mommy can’t teach you” your mom said all emotional.

Your dad said to the camera that they can’t wait to have your baby visiting Brazil and teach her all about your culture and country. And you couldn’t be more agree with them. You want to show your daughter her roots, teach her portuguese and bring her to the carnivals in Brazil, spend all day in the beach walking with her in the seashore holding your hand and a lot of things that you have in the list. The same that Calum has in my mind since he found out about his baby but visiting Australia.

“I know you’re going to be smartest and most beautiful baby in the world and as you can see you got us wrap around your finger and every single person that loves you” Calum’s mom said to the camera.

“I’m going to be the best auntie I promise” Mali said to the camera and her dad joked about she and your best friends are the only aunties, because your baby has more uncles that aunties and that’s going to be fun.

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“A doble vegetarian cheeseburger with caramelized onion and fries, please” you said from the passenger seat ordering your food to the worker of your favorite place for your cravings. Not taking risks to leave the car. Since you stopped working when you were five months you’ve been wearing baggy clothes to go outside and your designer friends have been sending you all kind of clothes from baggy and comfy dresses but still elegant and chic to pants and underwear that are the pieces you needed since every day your belly grows. Your best friend was driving and Mali was filming from the back. “And two portions of fries and a strawberry vegan milkshake, please… thank you!” you said with a guilty look to the camera. Later you’re going to ask why your doctor told you to lose weight. 

In another occasion that Michael invited all of you guys for dinner and you had in your plate a lot of things you took. “What do you have here?” Andy asked filming. 

“Well we have mac n’ cheese, french fries and sweet potato fries, two cheeseburgers of course one for me and one for the baby and a lot of salad because why not?” you said raising your shoulders.

But it hasn’t always been this way with your cravings and just beautiful things during your pregnancy because isn’t the truth.

Your cravings were so crazy and even things you didn’t like before that suddenly you want to eat that Calum reminded you that you hate that but doesn’t argue with you because you were going to get mad. It started with a lot of sweet things like cake or pies, fruits or chocolate and a lot of ice cream. Then peanut butter with watermelon, yeah, gross. To food that you love but hated being pregnant. Also food that one day you loved and the next morning you were disgusted and the next one loved again. And it ended with a lot of salty food like cheeseburgers, pasta, nuggets, etc but your loyal friend during the 9 months was ice cream.

“Babe I want to eat feijoada!” you pouted at Calum with a huge crave of your favorite typical brazilian dish. Calum couldn’t believe what he was hearing, it was 2 am and you were hungry and not in the best mood. “And also passionfruit ice cream, please”.

Calum did everything but the brazilian restaurant you love was already closed and he didn’t have idea how to do it. “We have the ice cream tho” he suggested if you changed your mind but that didn’t happen. You were going to start crying, the hormones were doing their thing that day.

Calum really wanted to spoil you but he had no idea what to do. He tried to facetime your family but he would have understood if they hadn’t answered because it was 6 am in Brazil. Thank God, your middle brother already started his day and when Calum told him what he wanted to do, your brother really realized how much he loves you. So he told him the steps, the recipe and the special secret of your family tradition, Calum told himself for the next one to pay attention when you or another person cook this dish.

“K’ thank you man, say hello to the rest, bye!” Calum waved through the phone once the feijoada was done.

“You are going to be a good dad, Cal. Now go to spoil your girls!” your brother waved at him too. And Calum really appreciated that comment.

“Sorry babe for being a pain in the ass lately” you said to Calum while you eat the ice cream laying against the headboard of the bed. He didn’t let you apologize for that because you’re doing something majestic and it was more than normal the things you had been through. 

Even when those moments aren’t going to appear in the video, Calum’s going to for sure telling your baby your crazy cravings. When you cried more than once watching puppy videos on Instagram and Calum asking you “babe what happened?” and you just told him “it’s just that the puppy’s so cute” and he comforting you every time you cried when the hormones were crazy. 

When you struggled with clothes. “Baby I’m doing my best” you said almost holding your breath and Calum trying to zip up your blue dress but in the middle of the night still end up broke. That night was a mess, you were out with Calum celebrating Tyler’s birthday, a friend of yours and you were half undressed that Calum gave you his jacket to cover the mess and then you started to feel sick when you caught the smell of a strong cheese.

How to forget how you feel with your body. The pain in your back, your feet, your breasts or when you felt so tired sometimes. How some days you were feeling yourself and other days you felt the most horrendous person. Some days the sexiest woman in the world and others the most unwanted one when you found a new stretch mark or how big your breasts and butt are, the pounds you gained.

“I promised that I used to be sexy, look baby” you said at Calum showing him a picture of you when you were 18 years old, you were in Copacabana with your friends in a party. Calum every day letting know how much he loves you and told you that you’re always going to be the prettiest woman in the world even when you had chocolate all over your face. He helps you too with your body issues because for his eyes all of these new things are a reminder of your little peanut and he loves every single inch of your body.

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8 months 

“I’m thirty four weeks today, just a month left” you said to the camera showing your belly. “Look baby, your daddy’s painting your room” pointing at Calum applying the peachy paint in the walls and later you were going to add with black paint some trees and other things like clouds, sun, the moon, etc. 

Calum was already a 24/7 daddy. He called the guys to help him with the crib and the rest of the furniture. He had ready the bags for the hospital and the plan for that day.

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Since you decided to keep your pregnancy a secret and to stop working and stay at home and not be in the public eye, you still had fun doing puzzles, playing with makeup, inviting your friends when Calum had to go to work. And every day you worked from home too, you still had to manage your makeup studio and your clients glam. 

Tonight you prepared dinner, a brazilian night. You invited everyone and after you were goofing around in the living room with music in the back. The guys made you laugh at their attempt to dance samba. You decided to join the baby mama dance flexing your pregnant dance moves so you started filming with the front camera of your phone and dancing with the rest to ‘All Me’ by Kehlani.

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“What if she isn’t into makeup?” Andy asked you in the baby shower. This is the first time you speak for the video.

“It doesn’t matter. She can do and choose anything she likes, I just want to teach her that she as a girl that girls can. To empower her if she likes science, art or sports or whatever I’m going to be there for and with her. Baby just remember that I’m going to love you every single day of my life and I’m sure that you’re the coolest and prettiest Maori-Brazilian girl in the world and you should be proud of that. We with your dad are waiting for you, love ya’”. you said to the camera.

“Hi princess, well I’m going to try not to cry while I say this but I can’t explain how much we love you and can’t wait to finally have you in my arms and sing to you and have fun with you. You’re my sunshine and your mom’s my soulmate, that tv show I saw was right about soulmate but the truth is that Uber was mine” Calum said to the camera smiling so big that his eyes crinkled and you giving him a look because that question about if that Uber was yours or his is going to be forever a topic, but one thing for sure is that moment changed everything.

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“Calum!” you screamed from the living room where you were resting after dinner with Duke in the couch. Calum arrived in a second running from the backyard. You were suddenly scared. “Don’t know if Duke peed in the couch or…” and the next thing you saw was Calum taking the bags and helping you to get up to lead you to the car. He was freaking out inside but he tried to keep calm and always reminding you to breath when a contraction hit you.

Andy filmed when he arrived the maternity floor in the hospital. Everyone was waiting outside the labor room. He gave your mom the camera as she was inside the room with Calum next to you. 

“Five centimeters left” the nurse said. For the video you decided to cover the screen so everyone will see just a black screen.

“Everyone’s here” your mom said while you wait. “We, Cal’s family, the boys, Natali, Marcela and Andy with Sarah”. And all of them were nervous waiting with fingers crossed with shuddering legs and feet against the floor waiting for Calum to go outside to say that the baby’s here and that you are fine.

You didn’t put in the video the ugly side of contractions and the pain you were feeling. The word you heard a billion times was ‘breath’, ‘take a deep breathe’.

“You’re going to meet your little girl” your doctor said to you and Calum once you were ten centimeters ready. You wanted to scream at your doctor for everything that the nurses put on you. How painful the epidural shot was and the every 3 or 5 minutes the contractions were. Till today you’re more than grateful that you had Calum supporting and helping you and also that he didn’t pass out. He’s going to be forever amazed at how your body and mind really did that and carried your little princess. 

“Okay, eight, nine and… ten. Go, push” you heard. “Good job Y/N, keep going please take a breath”. “One more and you’re done” your doctor said and in that moment you felt how Calum held your hand with all of his energy.

“You can do this baby” he said encouraging you. You were tired and all sweaty but your reminder was that one more to hold your baby.

Cries filled the room letting you know that she’s finally here. “Open your eyes mama” the nurse said to meet your baby before you fall asleep.

“You did it baby, congrats” Calum was crying while he kissed your forehead, so do you. “I love you mama” he said. He couldn’t believe that years ago he didn’t believe in love but getting into that Uber that Christmas Eve was, is and is going to be forever the best decision of his life.

To our baby

Ema Kara Hood

October 26

8 lbs, 9 oz

11:15 pm

[neocatharsis]

The Brilliant Members of World Renowned NCT 127 Share Their Thoughts Fashion, Music, Lifestyle, Favorite Things… What Their Individual Styles Are #004 DOYOUNG

Some Excerpts, Full Interview https://mensnonno.jp/post/41109/

What Is The ‘Relaxation’ That You Embrace, DOYOUNG-san?

MN: First, let’s have everybody look at this. It is a photograph you sent to us on our request for an image in which you are relaxing in a room, DOYOUNG-san.

D :  Yes, I’m often wrapped in a quilt like this at our lodging quarters.

MN:  From your responses to the pre-interview questions, our impression of you, if you don’t our saying, is that you are a person who embraces self-care and grabbing onto a pace that is most comfortable for you.

D : Wowー

MN: The reason being, you mentioned that you enjoy lying down, which left an impression. To the question, “What do you enjoy doing the most?”, you responded, “When I’m lying down.” To the question, “What is the one thing that makes you proud?”, you answered, “To lie down.” And that we found rather interesting… This type of conversation never came up with the others and it’s unique. Can you tell us how important it is for you to rest, DOYOUNG-san?

D : More often than none, my daily schedule is set up in advance. Once I do this, then I have  to do that, and when that’s done, there is always something else to do. That’s what my daily life looks like. So, to take the time to rest, means to step a little back from such plans to give myself a moment of relief. Whether that’s to actually lie down or just to relax a bit in my room, I believe that taking a moment for rest is a very important part of life. Of course, we live within our full schedule, but being able to take a break also means that you have time to reflect on yourself. Not doing anything in particular, eating freely when you want to, sleeping when you want to… I find it is lovely and quite vital to be able to live with a little fluidity in this way.

MN:  Is it easy for you, DOYOUNG-san, to switch on and off?

D :  I think so.

MN: Nowadays,there are so many people out there who overdo it and end up losing their pace. As such, they forget to take the time to breathe.

D :  I don’t know if I can give those people any good advice or not, but I do often find myself thinking about work even when I don’t need to be thinking about it. That’s probably why I think that it is better to find ways to minimize the time I’m overly immersed. The more I think about wanting to do things well or getting things right, it just makes it more difficult to switch on and off, and I wind up getting immersed in it all over again. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we could consciously control when we do things and when we don’t? Even though it’s so difficult…

MN: Then, in contrary, when you go out and are switched “on” and in contact with people, do you have an ideal as far as how you want to spend that time?

D : Let’s see. When I’m spending time as an ‘idol’, an entertainer, I think it’s easy to forget to be considerate or to care about others, and yet, I want to be a person who can care about others right in front of me and around me as much as possible. So, I try my best to give back as much as I can to all the people around me who are there to help me. This may sound a bit no-nonsense, but I actually like to do things like that, and honestly, I also think it’s easier than to have others be concerned about you. Besides, by doing so, the atmosphere becomes serene and the air has a relaxed flow to it, so I believe to be considerate of others is something that is necessary for your own self. “On” or “off”, serenity is important.

As A Vocalist, What Is It That You Pour Your Heart And Soul Into?

MN: We’d like to ask you about the artist DOYOUNG. To the question, “Please list three things that make up who you are”, you listed, “Song, the fans’ hearts, those who constantly support me”, and you brought up ‘song’ first.

D : Yes, I did. Singing is very important to me.

MN: Could you tell us the NCT 127 song that you would like us to especially focus on for your voice, DOYOUNG-san?

D : I would be pleased if you would listen to the song “Make Your Day”. As you know, most of our songs are based on hip-hop. The lead track for our album is so, and the songs we perform on television shows are also so. As such, for those who don’t know much about our group, there may not be many opportunities for them to hear my voice in a ballad. Even though ballads are hard to sing, they are definitely worth doing, and I also think NCT 127 has beautiful ballads. We go through so much trial and error during recording sessions, challenging ourselves to a lot of things, like using different types of voices and different singing styles. We learn so much every single time. That’s why I would really like to emphasize this song for the readers, not so much for my voice alone, but rather the minute details throughout the song, like care that went into the chorus section and the feel-good atmosphere throughout the song we put effort into creating. Different from a laid-back song with a laid-back feel when singing each bar, I would love for everyone to experience the attention to sincerity and sensitivity that comes through the entire score.”

MN:  Your buildup of discipline as a vocalist shows through. It appears you have also uploaded a bunch of cover songs.

D : Thank you very much. If I were to select one of those songs, it would be “Mine” by Bazzi. It was the first cover song I shared with everybody. The reason why I chose this song is because even if I were to be asked to redo it, I honestly don’t think I can. Back then, I worked hard to train for it, because it was the first time ever for me to challenge myself to do a cover song. There were so many things I didn’t know about, including how to complete the visuals, and yet I feel like that awkwardness really makes it what it is. For that aspect, this song is unforgettable to me.

MN: How wonderful that you impress on what’s good at that time, even though you may have been less experienced than you are now. What points make you want to choose to sing a cover song, DOYOUNG-san?

D : I personally want to try all kinds of songs. You might say that cover songs are a content that allows me to personally and freely challenge myself. That is why I have the desire to try out all kinds of songs, and at the same time, show a different side of myself in comparison to the artist I am when doing our original songs. I also feel like I have to tailor how I sing when doing a cover song. So, I choose the songs while thinking, “How do I want to challenge myself to sing in a way that I can show the best of myself as an individual?

MN:  In addition to Bazzi, you have done cover songs regardless of whether they are by male or female artists, and you’ve given them all an originality. Perhaps everyone is waiting for a Japanese song…?

D :  Thank you very much. Actually… I was just thinking about that!

MN:  Now that’s something to look forward to. 

Please Tell Us What Is Important To You In Connection With Your Fans!

MN: With regard to your source of inspiration for creative work, you answered, “All the fans”. For the question earlier on what makes up who you are, you also brought up “the hearts of all the fans”. It seems like you have very strong feelings about their existence.

D : With the situation as it is now, we are not able to directly meet with our fans. Of course, the best way to feel their strong connection is to meet with them directly, see them, and listen to their voices as they cheer us on. However, even though we are not able to see the fans right now, they have continued to send us a lot of messages online, visuals of their support, sharing their thoughts with us in so many different ways. It is truly touching, and should I say, inspirational… or even uplifting. It helps us to keep going on. And their messages in support consist of truly beautiful words. You can tell that they have taken the time to carefully put together these words that give us so much strength. It is a beautiful method of doing so that we have learned from them.

MN: Now then, DOYOUNG-san, when you send out a message to your fans via SNS, what do you find is most important?

D : The fans send us messages full of beautiful words. Therefore, I always want to send back messages in the same way. So, even though it may be a subtle word here and there, I always want to make the words more beautiful as I share them with the fans.

MN: So, when you said earlier about your policy, “So, I try my best to give back as much as I can to all the people around me who are there to help me”, it’s all connected.

D :  Yes, it is. I want to give back as much of my genuine heart as they have shown to me.

MN: So, the next time we get to enjoy your concert offline, you will be able to share your feelings directly with the fans. What kind of staging are you hoping to share?

D :  For now, a simple one. I mean, what we really want is to see our fans face-to-face. So, when we are able to do a concert for the first time in a long time, it would be fantastic if we could create something together. Of course, NCT 127 will perform the actual concert, but, for example, creating an element of the staging with the fans… Mmm… maybe even collaborating on something.”

MN: So, you mean something like incorporating a corner for fans to participate in?

D : Yes, exactly! How fun it would be to do a concert like that.

What Is The Balance Between Challenging Yourself And Protecting Your Own Pace?

MN: You wrote the words, “I hope you are able to feel a sense of accomplishment” with regard to “a memorable piece of advice you received from somebody.” This is probably not something you are able to feel very often. What do you find is necessary in order to reach that state?

D : There is something that I find more valuable than the passion to keep pressing on or to continue to challenge myself. What I myself lack, what parts of myself are imperfect, and what I really need to work on… these are things I am already aware of. For example, “100 percent” is a basic numerical value that is placed on exhibiting what a perfect state is. I feel that to be a professional means that I must place my efforts on achieving that 100 percent if that number is lacking within myself. It’s only natural and cannot be taken for granted. It may be warranted, but because I am aware of how I lack in experience and where I fall short, I don’t just passionately push forward or frantically try to achieve something. My desire is to be someone who can fill in the gaps with a level head and protect the fundamental parts. In order to do so, I feel the right thing to do is to steadily accomplish what one needs to do.

MN: You have your own balance between the passionate and the sensible stance. Regarding your motto, you wrote, “To be yourself as you live your life.” This also seems to connect to the stance in which you value how important it is to find your own pace. What do you say to that?

D : Yes, I agree. I feel that someone who really knows who they are, or is able to fully understand oneself is what is called an adult, and that is also what I meant by writing, “I want to be myself as I live my life.” This also means to know what you are really good at and working hard as you bring that to the table. You can’t simply force yourself to do what you can’t do. I believe these words also exhibit the determination to live as your own self.

MN:  I see. That makes a lot of sense. Further expanding on being yourself, your response of “My room which is neatly organized,” in response to the landscape that symbolizes who you are… this has also left quite an impression. You also provided a separate photograph from the one in the beginning. You were the only person who mentioned your own room in response to this question, DOYOUNG-san. You appear to have a consistent emphasis on how to be comfortable.

D :  To be tidy and live in comfort… how do I explain this… it’s a tiny little wish of mine and I am willing to put the effort in order to achieve it.

MN:  In response to the question, “What types of places or atmosphere do you like?” you wrote, “A place where I can relax with a suitable temperature.” When we first read that response, we felt that mentioning the temperature really shows how you are particular about space. Having listened to you now, it all makes sense.

D : I’m sure it can get messy in the day-to-day, but I like to keep my room as organized as possible for my own self.

How Do You See Your Group Objectively?

MN: You responded, “to be as one and tread forward” to what is vital for NCT 127. Additionally, to “Please tell us what you find wonderful about the group,” you wrote, “The way in which we help each other as we work hard to achieve our goals.” It can’t be very easy to protect your own pace and maintain teamwork at the same time, which are very important to you …

D : With regard to the key in maintaining teamwork, more than anything, I think it is important to have the same dream. By having the same goal in the end, even if we have small arguments or fights in between because our methods are slightly different, I think we are able to put our efforts together in the long run in order to achieve that dream. Having one dream together as team members, this is very important.”

MN: Are there any memorable words/phrases or occurrences from spending time with your members?

D : I feel there is so much to learn from each and every member, respectively. I’m certain there are actual words from each member that have been wonderful, but more importantly, I think the way we subconsciously breathe as one while watching one another on a daily basis… this is bigger than any words I could bring up. This of course applies to dancing and singing, our areas of specialty as artists, but I also feel there are wonderful aspects of life that each and every one of us has, respectively. I mean, we all have different personalities. So, it’s like, this member may be better at this and that member may be better at that. All of this inclusive, from the way we all live, I believe that we all learn from each other daily, like at times like this, we should think this way or do things in this way.”

MN: For what has had the most impact on you other than the members of NCT 127, you also mentioned, “SM (SM ENTERTAINMENT＝NCT 127’s talent agency)”. In what way has it had an impact on you?

D :  I love music and have listened to SM’s music since I was a child. So, I can honestly say that it has been SM’s music that has had an impact on me in that it gave me the interest and guided me towards the path to entertainment, as well as helped to create the person that I am today. If we are talking about what made me interested in show business and entertainment itself, then yes, Korean music and culture has helped me to grow as an artist who sings songs. There are so many artists that I look up to from Korea. The way they live, the words they share, even a photo alone, I feel that the many things I can learn from are scattered throughout these aspects as I connect to the music as a vocalist right now.”

What Is Your ‘Authentic Self”, DOYOUNG-san?

MN:  Finally, we have asked this of all the members, but what would you say, DOYOUNG-san’s “My Own Style” is?

D :  That would have to be “My way”. When you hear the words “my way”, I think you get the image that you’re doing everything it is you want or living your life as you want. My current style is exactly that, “my way”. The reason being, as time has passed since our debut, there was a period in time when I thought, “why am I the way I am” in comparison to others. Like I was looking at myself through the basis of others. But after that period of time, and now, I’ve come to be able to think, “Oh, I’ll just do what I want.” I’ll do what I do best and what I’m good at… that it’s okay to show what I am able to show and that’s it. That I’ll live my “authentic-self”… I’ve been able to arrive at that point in the way I think and so, now, my way is my own style.”

MN: My way is my own style! What a great way to end. Thank you very much. Time’s up for the interview, so if we could close with a word from you to our readers.

D :  I would like to express my deepest gratitude to MEN’S NON-NO for introducing us to the fans and for giving us the opportunity to speak to our fans in depth.

MN: Oh, no, that’s way too kind of you; we too thank you…

D : “NCT 127 is so grateful to have this opportunity, especially since we are all under circumstances that prevent us from being able to go to Japan and see our fans in person, even though we really want to. Although we cannot see each other now, we are trying to find all the ways to make it possible to communicate with you. So, we hope that you will continue to expect more from us in the future, and I would like to end by saying that the more you expect from us, the more we will expect from ourselves, so that we use our efforts to be able to respond to all of you in the best way possible.

MN: We pray that NCT 127 and the fans can reunite soon. Thank you for sharing so much with us today.

D : (in Japanese) “Thank you very much and thank you for your hard work!”

What dream would you like to achieve in your life other than music?

I want to live in happiness with the good people around me.

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

Will the real Taylor Momsen please stand up?

Think you know Taylor Momsen? Think again. After years of personal turmoil and soul-searching, The Pretty Reckless singer is back with a new album and a brand new outlook on life

On the cover of The Pretty Reckless’ upcoming album Death By Rock And Roll, lead singer Taylor Momsen lies naked on a grave. White hair flowing beneath her, gone are the eyeliner-rimmed raccoon eyes. Instead, it’s a stripped back image, one that radiates vulnerability rather than her usual defiance.

Shot by Danny Hastings, who was also responsible for 2013 album Going To Hell's more provocative cover, Momsen is proud of what it communicates. “It’s an untouched photograph," she tells Louder over the phone from her home in Maine.

"That was my intent, trying to show complete purity and baring myself. I wanted to express that you come into this world with nothing but your soul and that’s all you leave with, too.” She pauses. “I’m pretty proud of it, if I’m being honest.”

That vulnerability seems to be something Momsen is starting to feel comfortable with after a lifetime in the spotlight. Now just 27, she started a modelling career aged just two. She later became known as Jenny Humphrey, the Gossip Girl character audiences loved to hate, before leaving to focus on her music career, forming The Pretty Reckless and releasing their first album in 2010. She must be exhausted, we motion. “I don’t know if I feel older or younger," she replies. "I have experienced a lot. I feel like I have lived a billion lives. Some days I feel like I’m two years old and sometimes I’m 107. It depends on the day."

Speaking carefully but freely, Momsen’s answers are peppered with small, shy laughs. She’s spent the last several months locked down, leaving only briefly to film a music video for recent single 25. “I feel like I’ve been handling it relatively well, but I’ve certainly had my moments. I think everyone has their breaking point. It’s a lot! It’s a really fucked up year!” She pauses, before finding her way to a bright side. “I think this is a really humanising time.

"Everyone’s lifestyle is different, and where you come from and how you’re handling the situation is different, but we are still all in essentially the same space and point in time together.”

The peace in Momsen’s voice is hard won after a painful couple of years for her and her band. The first blow came in 2017, when The Pretty Reckless landed a spot supporting childhood hero Chris Cornell. He died by suicide on the tour, shaking Momsen to the core: “After we were on that Soundgarden tour and we played the last show – when I woke up to the news the next morning I was beyond devastated. I still don’t have words to express how crushing that was. I couldn’t handle it. I wasn’t in a good place to be public. I removed myself from the public eye. I cancelled everything. I needed to go home and reflect on what had happened.”

She fell into a deep hole, spiralling and cancelling any upcoming shows. In 2018, feeling ready to rebuild her life, the band started speaking to their friend and longtime producer Kato about the next step. Just as they had pulled themselves together, they got another tragic phonecall: “He’d died in a motorcycle accident. That was the fucking nail in the coffin I guess, for lack of a better term."

“I just went so, so down into this hole of depression and substance abuse. I was a train-wreck and I didn’t know how to get out of it, I didn’t know if I would get out of it. I didn’t care. I had kinda given up on everything. I was like, I don’t even know if I want to do anything ever again.”

Eventually, Momsen had to make a decision: “It was either death or move forward. Luckily I chose to move forward, but it was tough there for a while.” She’s candid about how much she struggled: “I was not well. I returned to music because it was the only thing I knew how to do. It’s the only thing in my entire life that’s always been there and supported me. I started listening to records that I love and started from the beginning again.” She sat down to write, finding that it took no effort – Death By Rock And Roll poured out of her, in part inspired by Kato.

The album is named for a song, the first single, that Kato suggested ten years ago: “He said “write a song called ‘Death By Rock and Roll,’” and we started it and never finished it and nothing came of it. When he passed it became very relevant again, and so we finished it.”

The song starts with his footsteps walking down the hall. She’s insistent that it isn’t morbid, but an homage and an optimistic battlecry: “I have one life and I’ll live it the way I want.” The band wondered whether they could even work without Kato – “the hole and loss was so grand”. They chose to, eventually finding a kindred spirit in the producer Jonathan Wyman. “He is the sweetest, kindest soul on the planet, a great engineer and producer, an amazing friend. We called him up and made the record in Maine,” she says, adding that it was the first album she and bandmate Ben co-produced. “He allowed us to be the train-wrecks that we were at the time and let us go through all the range of all the emotions and was so supportive throughout the entire thing. He really helped us to accomplish something.”

The album itself is classic Pretty Reckless: big guitars, old school rock'n'roll influences, with touches of jukebox Americana. But there’s something different, too, and maybe it’s the feeling of “complete rebirth” that she wanted to imbue it with. Around the middle there’s a turning point, with more vulnerable, personal touches. On 25, Momsen breathily sings of her disbelief that she made it this far: 'and all through my teens, I screamed that I may not live much past 21, 22, 23, 24.'

It’s an honest declaration: “We recorded it right as I turned 25. It’s very much just an autobiographical song of me at my lowest reflecting on my life and trying to put that into music somehow. I’m really proud of that song. I’m proud of the whole record, but I think that song was a shift in my writing.” She calls 25 the first “stepping stone towards that light.”

Those moments of tenderness and reflection are wrapped up, of course, in the in-your-face rock and roll that Taylor Momsen has always loved. Cynics and critics have questioned her authenticity, and that of The Pretty Reckless. But ten years into her music career, it’s pretty clear rock runs through her veins. She’s dorky and obsessive, running through rock'n'roll history from the 60s through the 90s, sheepishly apologising when she hasn’t heard of a newer artist I mention. “I don’t pay attention to new stuff. It’s bad, I should,” she laughs. She references music with an ease that only comes to a true nerd, gushing about rock: “It’s ballsy and cooler than everything else. If you’re not afraid of it, you find the freeing aspect of it. Nothing beats it.” True to its word, Death By Rock And Roll is full of heavy guitars and snarling vocals. A true catharsis.

In the last two years, Momsen feels like she’s aged ten. “They were extraordinarily hard. To the point where I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through them. I think there’s no way to go through that tragedy and trauma and not come out, if you make it through, not as a different person but with a new perspective,” she tells me. Her fight with her mental health is ongoing, but she’s learned to manage it: “If you don’t, it’s very easy to take a wrong turn and that can be hard to come back from.”

She’s found that music has been her one grounding stone, holding her down to earth: “I can listen to music and it brings me back, almost like meditation. It brings me to reality and completely takes me away, too.”

Momsen is reflective, reckoning with thoughts she had long held. Starting her music career as a 17-year-old girl, she was often indignant about the idea that misogyny impacted her possibilities. With time, though, she’s reconsidered: “I was so in denial for so long about sexism, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realised it exists. Misogyny is a real thing, and it’s unfortunate that it is, but it is. There are a lot of shitty things in life but we have to deal with them, and hopefully we progress as a society and this becomes a topic we don’t ever have to discuss again,” she laughs.

“I’ve recognised it more as I’ve gotten older that there is a boys’ club when it comes to rock'n'roll and it is a struggle to break into that and be accepted and treated with the same respect as if you were a man.”

Recently, Momsen appeared on Evanescence’s Use My Voice, a song Amy Lee wrote when inspired by assault victim Chanel Miller. Momsen is open in her adoration of Lee, who took The Pretty Reckless’ on their first big tour, telling me that Amy’s perspective on misogyny in rock is far “more developed” than hers. “I love Amy, she’s just the kindest person and so talented. We really learned a lot from that experience in so many ways. I have the utmost respect for her, I love her.” She adds that she was impacted by seeing Evanescence when she was nine: “It was very cool to have that be our first proper tour, suddenly I was opening for a band that I had gone to see with my dad. It was very full circle.”

Understandably, after a lifetime of scrutiny, Momsen is at times reticent to answer certain questions, aware of how things can get twisted. She avoids the internet, finding that, “maybe it’s because of how I grew up, but it can get very toxic very quickly.” But she indulges more annoying questions with patience and grace. I ask her, is the 'Jenny died by suicide' line in Death By Rock and Roll a sly reference to her Gossip Girl character Jenny Humphrey? She laughs: “I’ll leave that to the listener’s interpretation.”

She’s willing to explain, however, in far greater depth, why she feels that way: “I think it’s unfair to the listener when the artist explains things directly, I think it takes away from the magic.”

“Once you put the music out into the world, it’s so exciting, but on the other hand it’s almost sad. The body of work you’ve been slaving over is so precious and it’s so yours and so intimate, and suddenly it doesn’t belong to you anymore. It belongs to everyone else,” she pauses, “I think that’s the beauty of music but it’s a strange thing because it doesn’t matter what the song means to me, it matters how it connects to you and whatever you relate to it." She says that hearing Roger Waters elaborate on Pink Floyd lyrics that meant a lot to her once spoiled the magic: “Since then I’ve been very cautious to not over-explain. I really do think that it’s unfair to the listener. It’s not about me, it’s about you, it’s about the audience.”

Death By Rock and Roll is, conversely, a commitment to life. After a year relaxing at home and three years attempting to recover from a constant succession of blows, Momsen is aching to get back out on the road and see her fans again. “I get to go on stage every night in front of an audience who care and connect to music that I slaved over and worked over and hypothetically move them and give them the experience of a lifetime,” she laughs, calling it the “greatest job on the planet.”

“I really miss it. There’s nothing else like it, that high that you get from playing a show, that adrenaline, that feeling. It’s the best drug on the planet. I feel like an addict and I’m going through withdrawal.”

The last few years have taken it out of Momsen, but she has come out of the other side with peace and an enriched perspective. That growth is audible as she speaks, and it’s woven into the fabric of Death By Rock And Roll.

“You can’t beat that feeling of complete rebirth,” she tells me. Maybe for once, she doesn’t seem either two years old or 107, but a very wise 27.

[nightyelfy]

My Top Favorite Works of 2020, So Far

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

Tagged by the ever-creative and well of inspiration/motivation that is @joeys-piano

Thank you so much for the tag and sorry for the long wait! I know it’s been a long time coming, but I haven’t forgotten about this tag! While I channel most of my creative side into writing, I do make posts about Given related items (merch, calendar, manga). I am quite new to writing fanfiction, I only started this year as a result of participating in a Given prompt exchange. And now, without further ado, HERE is the list!

 More than Making Music - Fanfic/ Given, pairing: Uenoyama x Mafuyu / Words: 44.188

I’m having a hard time finding a good way to describe my feelings towards this piece here but I will do my best. Calling it my magmum opus of Given fanfic is probably the best description. I poured so much of my knowledge, love and admiration for Given as well as a healthy dose of angst that I was always nervous when writing, thinking that I want everything to be as close to perfect and faithful to the original work. The plan was to create a plausible ending that covers the amount of things we know SO FAR and that it also leaves a lot of room as to not interfere TOO MUCH with what happens in the manga. It was an exhilarating experience and I loved every minute of it.

A Bit of a Reward - Fanfic/ Given, pairing: Uenoyama x Mafuyu / Words: 3.058

One of the most challenging things I ever had to write, also the result of a prompt exchange. I felt a bit out of my element with this one, but somehow, I pulled through! The response to this piece was overwhelming, and I’m overjoyed to find that I’m able to step out of my comfort zone and write around different topics than I would usually.

Don’t let go - Fanfic/ Given, pairing: Mafuyu x Yuki / Words:  2.786

I have this unspoken rule when writing Given fanfic that I don’t want to mention Yuki directly but always elude to him, just as it is done in the manga. His presence is constantly felt or noticed whenever there is some emotional hurdle that Mafuyu encounters. But for this one, I made an exception and I love how everything came together!

Given Manga - Merch/ Given, Japanese and English manga and Illustration book

Supporting the Author behind any piece of art is essential and that is why I haven’t hesitated when it came to purchasing the manga as well as some other merch. It brings me joy to know that I’m helping even if only a little bit!

Keep me closer - Fanfic/ Given, pairing: Uenoyama x Mafuyu / Words:  9.303

My very first fanfic! That’s right, this is where it all started. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I participated in that prompt event, but I am so glad I did. It opened my eyes to the possibilities of bringing to light many events that will probably never feature in the original work. 

Please NOTE: these listings are in no particular order. I put a lot of time, love and dedication into each one of these fics and I treasure all of them. That is why I wanted to share them with you as well as some behind-the-scenes elements.

I’d love to hear from some of my mutuals as well, so you’ve been tagged! @snowyshadow @beautifulbutdoomed @dirtpie39 @midnightseashell14 @berrynthewood @ahskp @fficwriterxxveryoriginal @mafuyuh @shunpeidelusion @story-kat @thisbunnybites

[witchyaqua]

planets in the 4th house

DOMAIN OF THE 4TH HOUSE

Privacy (seclusion, isolation, solitude)

Home (houses, physical shelter, real estate), or places which feel comfortable and familiar

Family (parents, grandparents, extended family, ancestry, lineage); living in and sharing intimate spaces with caregivers and protectors

Childhood and family friends who knew you in your younger “shaping” years

The past (nostalgia, photographs, tradition, vintage items)

The early childhood environment, from your toddler years to your adolescence, or from your earliest memories to first moving out of the family home

Things which are passed down your family line, such as your family surname, religious or cultural traditions, recipes, beliefs, and so on

SUN IN THE 4H:With this placement, you are a very home and family oriented person. Your life rotates around the comforts of private spaces and the familiarity of what you grew up with. Home becomes a sanctuary removed from the stresses of outside life, a protected place for you to retreat into when you need to be alone. You continue to harbour close ties to your childhood and the traditions of your family. Hearty homemade meals, the warmth of your grandparent’s hearth, the old family properties you grew up visiting, holidays together. Grandpa’s stories and grandma’s cooking. Soft cushions on the couch and fuzzy blankets on your bed. Sitting alone in your room as a teenager, old family friends stopping by, and big extended family parties in the house. You have many idyllic memories of growing up and you hold onto them for the rest of your life.A large part of your personal identity comes from your parents and what values you grew up with. Growing up, your parents dominated your early life. One or both parents were experienced as authoritative, controlling, and powerful. You had to fight with them in order to gain some sort of independence because they had such a strong hold over you. In many cases 4th House Suns grow up with an absent parent; you either fill the parental role in their stead or spend a lifetime searching elsewhere for the missing parent. You must learn to distinguish your own self from your family background – to understand who you are instead of how you are like your mother and father – without denying that you are a part of your family altogether. This transition can be very difficult. You likely want to stay closely connected to your parents well into adulthood. Severing financial, emotional, and ethical ties with your mom and dad will be tough. But it has to be done in order for you to grow out of your insecurity and become your own person.

MOON IN THE 4H:The home, and especially the bedroom, is a sacred place for you. It is where you keep your feelings under lock and key. You have been this way all your life. One mustn’t doubt the powerful effect our relationships with others in the family home have on our emotional make-up later on in life. You in particular, as the family home is your emotional container, experienced your upbringing in a very emotional way. One might say the past has a lunar quality to it too, fluctuating from the light of happy nostalgia to the dark of tepid secrets. What better container is there for you to pour your heart and soul into? Except, perhaps, into the past, where you linger on events long ago. The past doesn’t change; it is as secure a structure as there ever was. You may actually prefer to place your heart back in your childhood and board it up against events of the present, which lack the wonder and innocence of your younger years - especially if your family is hurtful, unpredictable, or unaccepting of you. Good or bad, you have a very close bond to your parents, having forged many memories, traditions, habits, disciplines, and joyful comforts by their side. Like the physical structure of the home, the relational structure of family frames how you relate to the world around you on a personal level.

MERCURY IN THE 4H:Your childhood, your family members, events in the past, and your home growing up, all had a very profound effect on the way you think. In fact, the way you think, your opinions, your tastes – all are nearly identical to one or both parents. This can mean that you carry more traditional views and a more conservative outlook on life. (At some point you may be called away from the family’s influence in order to establish your own ways of thinking about the world.) They stimulated your curiosity for learning and encouraged you to think rationally about the world. In some cases this means you came from a highly academic family who valued intelligence and logic. Or your family could have swung more towards practical skills like trades and cooking. You experienced them as sensible and reasonable, perhaps at the expense of emotional warmth. They connected with you on a much more mental level. Mercury shows where in your chart you accumulate the most knowledge, what you are most interested in learning about, and what you like to talk about the most. The answer to all of these falls within the categories of “home and family”.As a child you saw your parents as highly communicative people who loved to talk and socialize in large groups of people. They loved to be active. They loved to express their views and opinions, wanted to articulate themselves with wit and humour, and thoroughly enjoyed having other people over as often as they did. There was a lot of noise and activity whirling around you growing up; your family contained many extended family and friends who lit the air with conversation. Sometimes their noise turned against each other and inflated into arguments, bickering, and squabbling. They came and went often in and out of the house, likely working out of town as you were growing up. Your experience of your parents reflected the qualities of the planet Mercury: always out and doing something, never still for very long, highly social, with a need for constant amusement and communication. You inherited this part of them through your family line. Whether by blood or by being raised by them, they gave you a mind that never shuts off and a home life that never quiets down. Growing up and venturing off into your own home, your carry Mercury over there as well, lifting it directly out of your childhood home and placing it on the mantelpiece.

VENUS IN THE 4H: You are one of the most beautiful or handsome members of your family. Growing up your family placed a lot of emphasis on beauty, relationships with other people, harmony, and sensual pleasures, making your family one of the best-looking ones from the outside in. From what you have observed they care very much about how the family looks to other people. Your parents dressed you up in nice clothes, fed you delicious food, bought a nice house in a nice part of town, and gave your money when you needed it. They fostered your artistic talents and encouraged any avenue of creative expression. The dark side of this placement was that you also picked up vanity, laziness, indulgences in food and spending money, and materialism along the way. You resent your family for these qualities, but you cannot deny that you possess them yourself. For example, you inherited their expensive taste for home furnishings, and now find it difficult to settle for anything less than just-as-good as your family home.

MARS IN THE 4H:You come from a background of fighters who exuded strength, ambition, energy, sexuality, and vitality. Through your family line you inherited their work ethic, their drive, and their desires. You grew up being fed ambition and taught the value of hard work. Loud and obnoxious, but intent on achieving their goals, they raised you to continue being a fighter. Now Mars runs through your blood, lives in your past, and is remembered well from your childhood.Growing up there was plenty of conflict between your parents and in your home, some of it seen, some of it unseen. Competitiveness between family members, power struggles, fighting, vying for dominance, and varied arguments were commonplace. In extreme cases there was violence, adultery, even abuse. As you got older you started to participate in domestic battles more, fighting with your parents for your own freedom and autonomy. Perhaps you didn’t want to be at home anymore, or perhaps you were frustrated with what you home life under their rule felt like. But at some point it became clear that the only way you were going to get the independence you wanted was to leave and strike out on your own.

JUPITER IN THE 4H:This placement is indicative of big extended families brought together by many friendships and many marriages. You are very proud of your heritage, your home, and of your family name. And you are very lucky to have been born into the family that you were, for you will inherit much spiritual and material wealth from them in your lifetime. Benefits are set to befall you through your parents especially. From them you received much love, guidance, support, and security. They were very generous with their time and attention when you were little, and continued to make you feel special as you grew older. You saw them as larger-than-life figures bursting with happiness and joy. They were idols of power, wisdom, with all the potential for greatness afforded to them. You also saw hedonism and a roving eye – a call to their pleasure-seeking and self-serving ideologies. You saw the more animalistic side to them that wanted the freedom to roam and do as they pleased, unrestrained by responsibility. Warts and all, you learned a lot from their teachings and owe much to them.Jupiter’s house placement is said to show where in your life you become wiser to the ways of the world. This is where you become enlightened to your own personal truths. Placed in the 4th House, you gain wisdom through your family, your home, your childhood, and events which occurred in your past. Many of your beliefs and ideas come directly from your parent. From them you inherited very strong spiritual, political, and philosophical views. Many of your beliefs are more traditional or more conservative in nature because you lift wisdom directly from your ancestors, retaining old customs and traditions well into the new age. Also from your parents, however, you inherited their love of travelling the world both physically (literally) and mentally (by expanding your mind and learning about foreign cultures). There will come a time when you are confronted with a very flawed and human image of your parents, which shatters the preconceived godlike image you had before. Through dealings with your family, both good and bad, you become a wiser person. You learn many things over the course of your childhood about the nature of family and home life, of human relationships and the comforts of home, and you retain these teachings into your own home life later on.

SATURN IN THE 4H:Your childhood lacked basic warmth, affection, and the assurance that you were loved no matter what. In your darkest hours you sat alone, in your room, with nobody there to comfort you, and these events cut a hole deep inside of your younger years. This placement indicates the possible loss of parents either through death, divorce, physical absence, or emotional distance. The last on that list is the most common. You experienced your parents (likely the father) as cold and impersonal – a strict, materialistic, rigid, and conservative authority that made you feel that you had to earn their love and attention through honouring and impressing them. Because they were so critical and demanding you felt like a burden, a failure in their eyes. Difficult as it was to be honest about your feelings, you did what you could, but never thought it was enough. You couldn’t be what they wanted you to be, and you carried those feelings well into adulthood.Owning a home and starting a family is one of your more sought after and most precious ambitions; you want a domestic life more than you want anything else in this world. But due to imbedded fears and deeply held beliefs, as well as a healthy dose of procrastination, you are slow and cautious when approaching this long-term goal. You will encounter difficulties, setbacks, and delays, mostly due to your own inaction and stubbornness. Finding a parent-worthy spouse, saving up enough money, actually making the decision to buy a home, plus the added stresses and challenges of having kids – all can seem so hopelessly set in the distant future that you wonder if it all is even worth the effort. Ingrained memories and lessons taught to you by your parents hold you back as well, but not nearly as much as your own cautiousness does. You need to learn to relax in this area of life, to be more flexible, optimistic and fun-loving, or else one of the greatest journeys in your lifetime will be reduced to a chore.

URANUS IN THE 4H:Most people go through a rebellious phase when they are children, or teenagers, or when they decide to start a family of their own. You are no stranger to rebellion against traditional family values or conservative views in your family. You have always felt like you do not belong in the family you were born into because you are so different from the rest of them. With that in mind, it is so surprise when you decide you would rather be off on your own. The 4th House represents how you view events in the past and in your childhood, your family, your home life, and your relationship with your parents growing up. Uranus is a planet of spontaneous action, erratic movements, changeability, and originality. With this planet placed here you have experienced your home and family life as unstable, unstructured, and on the verge of revolution always. Tossed on the waves of erratic emotions, moving often, making and breaking ties, you grew up shipwrecked on an unfamiliar isle.Growing up, your childhood was different than everyone else’s. Your family was unusual and different, perhaps even weirdly so. Your parents were not the most conventional, and neither was your home growing up. This placement is common for those who do not have a traditional family structure; it is common to have an eclectic mix of step-family and extended family members. Your early life was unstable. Your family was disrupted by sudden changes, some of which forced you to move often. It is in part due to the nature of your parents, whom you saw as unpredictable, wildly emotional people. They may have felt “trapped” by becoming a parent, appeared and disappeared from the house often, or it could have just been a part of their nature. But their unpredictable changeability defiantly affected you growing up. You found it difficult to have a close emotional relationship with one or both parents. You may have even seen them suffer some kind of nervous breakdown at some point in your childhood. More positively, you saw their genius, their originality, their free-thinking and open-minded way of approaching the world. You learned not to judge and how to accept people. Your family was different. And in more ways than one, you were different from them.

NEPTUNE IN THE 4H: The family you were born into lives on a very subconscious, emotional level, and you must not unearth the dark of your 4th House. You experienced one or both of your parents as highly sensitive, emotional people, who flee into avenues of escapism whenever they get upset. Like your past, you are confused about how you should remember them. They were imaginative, creative, romantic, and artistic. They loved deeply and have supported you endlessly, becoming totally consumed by the love of their children and their family. As a child you idolized them. But as you grew older you were disappointed in the earthly reality of their flaws and humanity. Perhaps they were absent, either emotionally or physically, and you replaced your parent with an imagined version of them. Perhaps you saw them give all of their time and attention to other people and work, or saw their own emotional escape into alcoholism or elsewhere, and it caused you great pain. Neptune is full of illusions, delusions, confusion, and misunderstanding. While you are deeply connected on an emotional level, you do not know what you are feeling much of the time.

PLUTO IN THE 4H:You experienced your family home as intensely emotional, aggressive, manipulative, ambitious, and highly secretive. You saw sorts of alcoholism, depression, anxiety, sex, fighting, and/or drug use. You know of their secrets and emotional complexes, and always felt there were things present that were never actually spoken of. And at some point you developed your own set of emotional complexes from being abused, bullied, fought, oppressed, betrayed, or because of some traumatic event. By the end of your teenage years you had established black-and-white loyalties within your family, and began to view your past with painful memories in mind. When still young you went through a loss or separation due to death, divorce, emotional or physical distance; but you also experienced the birth of a new member into the family, either through birth or marriage.The most difficult part of your Plutonian journey is done when you finally move out of your family home. When you are secure in your own house (with your own private spaces that are all yours), and you have some distance between yourself and your family members, you can finally begin to work through the deep emotional turmoil that lives within your subconscious mind. You spend a lot of time trying to cut yourself off from your feelings and deny how aggressive and forceful your emotions are. Outside, you try to suppress what you do not want others to see. But it is within the home that you are your most vulnerable because it is there that you amassed trauma and there that it all eventually comes out. You are destined to re-live your adult family life role-playing as your parent or oppressor as a way of gaining back the power you had lost. The ways you dominate the house and try to control everything that goes on, your “unwritten” rules, power struggles, frustration, and the subtle manipulation all mirror what was initially done to you as a child, and are now present within the home again. And yet instead of reliving the past as the one in control, you slowly watch everything fall apart despite everything you do.

-all the information i found is from canaryquillastrology.com

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

Tempest in a Teacup: Two

Clint watched you remembering how to be alive again with a smile. You were staring at a bowl of Rice Krispies like you’d forgotten what they were for as you curled like a question mark around a cup of coffee.

“Barton, I think you can cancel the DNA test,” Bucky snorted, smacking him on the shoulder as he passed. Clint snorted, “I could never deny her, that’s for sure.”

“Thank god she doesn’t look like you, though.” Steve teased, prompting Clint to flip him off casually.  

Clint kisses the side of your head and swaps your bowl of now soggy cereal that he knows you won’t eat for French toast he knows you will eat and you look up at him and smile your thanks sleepily.

For a second, you’re five again. Five and homesick. It was almost this time of year. Right before you started kindergarten. You had a cute little liting voice. Like a little silver bell. He couldn’t cook, not really and you’d eaten nothing but sugary cereal and carrot sticks and animal cookies for a few days. It was Saturday morning and you’d been awake and scared all night. Worried about your mom. ... The french toast had been a lot less pretty but that smile was the same.

You were bigger now. Stronger. Smarter. The most beautiful thing he’d ever seen still. And sometimes, he missed your accent. He hated it after you went to school and your voice got more Americanized. But you were his girl. He chucked you under the chin and handed Nat the other plate. She was taking you shopping. You needed school clothes anyway. And, as long as she’d been around, Nat had always taken you school shopping, for which Clint was grateful. Especially when you hit your teens. He got a bit lost after boys cargo shorts and plain t-shirts weren’t your standard gear. “Nat,” Clint teased, “no more platform boots. Seriously.” Natasha winked at you, “Not unless they’re on sale.”

You pick up a fork and lean into Clint’s side for a second as he stands there sipping coffee. You missed him. Between saving the world and just living far away, there was no such thing as enough hugs. Clint draped an arm over your shoulder casually and Natasha feels her heart ache just a little.

She knew. Probably better than anyone how scared Clint was that he wasn’t the parent he should be. But she wished she could show him this. A picture didn’t do justice to just how happy you looked when he hugged you just a little tighter. Maybe he wasn’t the parent he should be. Teaching you how to do some slightly illegal things, letting an assassin take you shopping, giving you back your fake ID; but, he was exactly the parent you needed. He was unfailingly supportive. He dealt with feelings and self-doubt and little heartbreaks in stride. He knew you. And he loved you with no conditions.

Clint gave the spy a look and Natasha only shrugged. You had a style. You liked what you liked. And frankly, it was cool. Distinctive. It suited you. Natasha knew damn well that as long as you bought age-appropriate clothing and you weren’t running around half-naked or in bondage gear, he really didn’t care what you wore. You went to an Academy for artistic kids. Weird clothes were expected. Nay. Encouraged. And New York. Land of Punks and Aging club kids, was the place to go. Nat look forward to this most of the year. It was fun. You were picky but not like... annoyingly picky. It was just an “I already know what I want and this is... actually close enough” kind of picky. “Got any Art supplies you need, kid?” Natasha asked. You frown, thinking, “Depends. Do you want me to make you some new wall clutter?”

“Did I hear Wall clutter?” Tony asked strolling in for coffee. “Y/N has offered to make Wall Clutter for the cost of Art supplies,” Clint said, tugging a stray lock of hair.

"Oh!" Pepper said, stealing the coffee mug out of Tony's hand and handing him water, "Could you do something neat we can Auction off After everyone signs it? It always brings in a ton of money for the cleanup fund." You take a bite of French toast and nod, thinking, "I could probably pull something together... It depends on how big a piece you want. And what medium. And subject matter."

Clint frowned but didn't say anything. You were a good kid. He knew you'd do hours of work for free. He also knew that it gave you something to do in all the downtime. That he could pester you while you worked as easily as he could while you were bouncing around the tower at warp speed. But, it rubbed him the wrong way. And then he remembered why. You did amazing artwork for them and you had. For years. Big pieces that went for literally millions. And you never got the credit for it. Nothing but your tiny little signature in the corner most people put a potted plant in front of.  "I'll let her do it," Clint said, clearing his throat, "As long as she starts getting some form of actual recognition for it... Most people just think those things are put together by a whole ass design studio. They don't realize it's one punk kid with some chalk and some aquanet." Your artistic shit was your superpower.

It was all the attention to detail and the effort.

Pepper gasped, "Have they really never put her name anywhere?" Tony frowned, "That's unacceptable." Your cheeks color slightly, "It's not that big a deal... I mean part of the money they make is because people think it's like Banksy or some shit." You do set work. You paint sets, make costumes, and run tech. You're pretty sure no one but your dad even realizes that someone has to make it all look good. He comes to the show and has tacos and good coke, the kind in glass bottles from Mexico, sent back to the crew while everyone fusses over the actors. And he sends you purple roses for opening night. You love purple.

"It is too a big deal!" Pepper says stomping her foot, "Four years you've been making us stuff to sell off and never once gotten even a mention on the program?" You shrug, "I don't get them for the shows I do sets for either. None of the crew really gets much beyond our names in a massive list." Pepper doesn't hear the explanation, she's already on the phone. She's halfway through shouting at someone. Something about back pay and other things that hurt your head to think about. So you take your plate to the sink and start cleaning up, working around Tony where he's standing directly in your way.

"Do you think you could do Asgard? Like long ways." he asked thinking. "Panoramic?" you ask. He nods and you think, figuring out logistics. "Medium?" you ask. Tony smiles a little, "What about spray paint?" Clint smiles a little from his spot, watching goings-on and relaying information to Pepper. You're planning things out in your head. Like a goddamn chess grandmaster. He can see pieces being moved around. "Photorealistic or stylized?" you ask. Tony snorts, "Let's say stylized. Wouldn't want Thor to try and walk through it." That makes you smile a little, "I can probably do that... What do you want me to put in on?" That makes Tony stop for a second, "Let's see what people will really buy," he said mischievously, "I'll get you a sheet of drywall to play with... And all the colors of spray paint you could ever need." You nod, "I can do that but I might need some time... and a large patch of grass you don't mind getting paint on. I don't really do Spray paint inside if I can help it."

Tony nodded and raised his coffee cup in mock toast, "You might be the least temperamental Artist we ever commissioned."

That made Natasha snort, "Clearly, you've never heard her backstage during a show. "Fuck Muppet" became my new favorite epithet after the last one." Tony chokes on his coffee and Clint snorts, "That's great," he laughed, "I changed my mind. Just make a giant thing that says Fuck Muppet." Steve pinched the bridge of his nose, "Y/N please don't."

"Now I'm gonna," you say, "And I'm gonna dedicate it to you, Steve." The laughter that follows you out of the room is satisfying. You don't need to turn around to Know that Steve's face is probably snapchat worthy. Or that your dad probably looks way too proud of you for talking back to a literal National Treasure. But, he had it coming honestly. No living creature should be that fucking uptight. It wasn't healthy. You were willing to bet that if you made him swallow a piece of coal he'd shit a diamond. But there wasn't time to Dwell on that. You and Natasha had shopping to do. At least some of it.

When you come back downstairs in jeans, your boots, and a red croptop with "You inspire my inner serial killer" written on it in pretty script, Clint shakes his head, "Another Forray into fashion design?" You shake your head and stick the last bobby pin into your right space bun, "Nah. Parker made me this one." Nat smiles a little. You don't look 17. You look 21 and Clint is about 4 seconds from a heart attack. But, aside from your midriff and a belly button piercing he already knows about, there's no other skin showing. And it's summer. "Cute," Nat says, "But please. Please don't make me have to stab some stupid frat boy today."  You grin, "Nah... They're all more trouble than they're worth."

Natasha grabs you by the hand and drags you out of the room before Clint can think too hard about that last comment and he retroactively tries to ground you until you're 83.

Steve watches Natasha flounce out of the room with you and Clint pour coffee like nothing just happened, "Have fun! Don't kill anyone!" Clint shouts after you. You half turn and sign "Love you, dad" to him and he smiles, "Love you too, punk" he answers.

"You really don't have a problem with her dressed like that?" Steve asked. "Like what?" Clint counters mildly, "Like a 17-year-old girl? In this year of your lord in the 21st century when ankles aren't sexy anymore unless you're weird? No. No, I don't" Steve winced, "I just meant," he started. Clint quirked an eyebrow, "She's 17. Not 7. She's my child. Not yours. It's just a shirt. Those are just comfortable jeans. And those boots are probably just comfortable too... If the worst thing she does is dress like that, get piercings I know about, and flirt with muscle-bound idiots until she gets bored with them, all things considered, I'll take it." You're a pretty girl. Really Pretty. And men tended to stare and they had since you were 12. It was gross but Clint didn't see any point in making you dress like a Nun when it was much more satisfying to break noses. Steve stayed quiet and left shortly after that. And honestly, Clint was grateful. It wasn't the first time someone had tried to tell him how to parent you.

But, he didn't think it was that bad. You were older now than he'd been when you were born. You made good grades. You had good friends. You called to talk to him and if you didn't call you texted. Truth be told, half the time he didn't know what to do with you and the rest of the time he just did the opposite of what his parents would have done. It was still better than Reggie did. She'd just sort of left you with her mom and fucked off to go help the CIA destabilize countries. Clint considered that job security. Reggie made the Warlords and Petty Despots and Clint helped put them down. It worked.

Outside, he watched as Tony made good on his promise to set you up. Paint, Drywall, tables, Brushes, attachments. Anything you could ever want were being delivered. Stark seemed intent on making up for his oversight and Clint was happy about it. You deserved credit for the cool shit you did. Maybe it would help drown out all the comments from people that looked down their nose at you. He drifted away to get some target practice in and you and Natasha wander the city, looking for the perfect new pair of platform boots and some little pieces of flair for your school wardrobe.  

By the time you return, Clint has been doing more looking at his phone than working. Natasha sent him pictures. Lots of pictures. And he saved them all. His personal favorite was one Natasha had taken of you both. Huge sunglasses and feather boas, pouting for the camera. You looked like you were having a blast. He couldn’t wait to hear about it, even if he didn’t actually want to participate.

Pepper knocked on the doorframe and leaned on it casually, “So,” she said, holding out a check, “Since the work she did for us would have made her some money... Probably a lot of money. Tony and I agreed that it’s bullshit that she didn’t get credit.” Clint took the check and just blinked, “Holy Shit.” was all he could say and Pepper smiled a little. “We figure that doing that work for anything Stark affiliated would have made her about that much in commissions for other rich people with more money than sense.” Clint snorted, “She is really good, isn’t she.” he said with a note of pride.

“Especially for all the crazy things Tony pitches at her,” she said nodding, “I have no idea how she’s going to do Asgard in spray paint but if anyone can.” Clint nodded, “She can,” he agreed. “So why are you giving this to me?” he asked, not following. “Because,” Pepper said smiling, “No 17 year old should have that much money... I figured you’d best hang on to it for now.” Clint nodded, “Thanks, Pepper.” he said.

She squeezed his hand, “I’m sorry we didn’t realize it sooner. It feels like we were taking advantage of her... but. We’re taking care of that oversight now. We planned a full showcase of the work she did for us previously to go along with the Auction of this piece. And I’m going to see if she minds us putting some of the dress designs she’s done for Nat and I on display too.” Clint nods slowly. It sounds like a lot. Maybe even too much. You’re still in school and he desperately wants you to finish, not just rabbit off and start cranking out art until your fingers bleed. So he says as much to Pepper.

The woman thinks for a moment and nods, “We’ll stick to the previous art pieces then. Just those for now... Later I will happily wear anything her little heart designs and send work her way.” That makes Clint feel better. A lot better.

You’re a kid. A gifted, talented kid. And you’re his. It’s his job to protect you until you can protect yourself. But as Pepper walks away and he stares at the staggering sum of money on the check, he knows he’ll probably never stop.

Tags:  @lancsnerd​ @stevieang​ @golddaggers​ @blameitonthecauseway​ @qxeen-of-hearts​ @process-pending​ @xmarveled​ @beautybyfire, @etherealwaifgoddess, @mschellehitt​

[hanayuki23]

Sunkissed

There wasn’t a single person on that island that had not heard of Roxas and his statues.

Despite his young age, the boy was an established sculptor and was respected by all the inhabitants of his village. Many of them visited his household to admire the marvelous sculptures exposed by the artist in his own garden: there were dogs, cats, birds on the verge of spreading their wings, so neat and detailed that they were able to convey life through their hollow eyes, girls dressed with such light and delicate dresses that the bystanders, delighted, had to touch the folds over and over again to be sure that they had really been carved in marble. People found it hard to tell fact from fiction, and they often stood perfectly still by the works, eyes widened, as if they were the true statues, avoiding to blink and hoping to be able to grasp the slightest movement of the sculptures.

It was actually rumored, indeed, that the statues could come to life, and there was even someone willing to swear to all the gods of Olympus that they saw them moving and changing expressions. The most sceptical assumed that it might had been just a trick of light and shadows that were constantly moving according to the position of the sun, while the most devoted claimed that Apollo was so in love with the boy’s art that he moved the sun itself just to animate it.

It was undeniable that the young sculptor had a talent never seen before, and the islanders were firmly convinced that such a talent had been bestowed to him directly by Apollo himself, of which the boy was a fervent devout, and it only took a look to the boy’s features to confirm this theory. Roxas was without a doubt the most beautiful boy on the island, with unruly hair golden like the weath, eyes blue like the sea, sunkissed skin covered with freckles that created a smooth contrast with the candid robe he used to wear. He wore a crown made of golden leaflets on his head, and golden bracelets with little suns carved on them on his arms, to honor his guardian, and to the inhabitants it looked like the young man could radiate his own light. A true blessing.

And it was almost a shame that the boy didn’t seem to like showing his face in public if not to attend the religious services related to Apollo, since he’d rather stay hidden in his house to refine his art and bring new sculptures to life, through which he could almost establish, unknowingly, a sort of connection with the islanders, that could easily guess the feelings which the artist poured in his works as he was carving them.

Needless to say, the young man didn’t have friends, but he had plenty of admirers. The lucky ones who were able to catch a glimpse of him during the services were so bewitched that tried to talk to him or to draw his attention by all means, and sent him long letters where they professed their love and manifested the desire to get to know him better, but Roxas, that had always tried to avoid making contact with other people, was totally indifferent to them. He wasn’t ever interested in love or other people, and he thought that it was foolish for total strangers to claim with such lightness having this kind of feelings for someone they barely knew.

Roxas only had eyes for his art and his sculptures, but Aphrodite’s ways to reach someone’s heart were insidious – and that’s when his first love came to life.

He didn’t remember how or when he had bought it, but he ended up with a huge block of marble sitting in a corner of his studio. He immediately felt a stupid to not have noticed sooner such a huge unused block, and the artist came closer to feel its texture. As soon as the tip of his fingers brushed the cold surface, Roxas felt suddenly permeated by a strong inspiration. He took hammer and chisel without even thinking, and let his instinct lead him. For the first time, he felt like his mind had left his body, and let his hands run free on the figure that was desperately trying to emerge from the marble. First came the torso, and then the legs, and as time passed, the body of a human being took shape under the skilled hands of an artist who was becoming more and more curious and eager, like an avid reader that can’t wait to know how the story is going to end.

When Roxas finished, he took a step back to have a better look of his latest work, and hammer and chisel fell from his hands, reverberating in the silence of the room.

He had never seen anything, or rather anyone, more beautiful, and he couldn’t believe that his hands could have created something so stunning. There was a boy carved in marble – judging from his aspect, he was about Roxas’ age – sitting on a tree trunk with the head slightly facing downward. His features were very delicate, and so was his build, lean and firm. A thin branch covered with leaves and little jasmines climbed up his right leg and left forearm, wrapping them in light twirles, and a flower crown was barely sticking out from his unruly and messy hair.

The boy’s body was dressed in a light robe, similar to his own, while his hands were both placed on the sides of the trunk, as if they were supporting the boy’s weight. And his face. Roxas couldn’t find the words to describe the other’s face. He had a peaceful expression of a unique sweetness, the lips were full and curved in a gentle smile, and he had such an intense look to pierce right through the artist’s heart, who felt defenseless and stolen at the same time, and Roxas cursed with his all his might what had caught the boy’s attention and that was keeping him to lay his eyes on him.

He had sculptured so many nymphs in his short life, but if they would have been real as people rumored, he was sure that they would have turned pale and run away from the shame at the sight of a so perfect creature.

How could they state with such lightness to feel strong feelings for someone they barely knew? And inanimate, no less? Roxas had now found the answer.

Since the mysterious boy had been freed from the marble and had entered his life, mind and heart, Roxas couldn’t sculpt no more. The young man sat on a chair and contemplated the sculpture all day long, imagining a possible life, a possible voice and a possible name.

“What’s your name?” he asked him at first, right after he got over the bewilderment and was able to connect the brain to the mouth. The statue, of course, kept quiet, and Roxas had to remind himself that if it didn’t answer was because it couldn’t, and not because it didn’t want to talk to him. But he could swear on all of Apollo’s arrows that when he averted his eyes from the work, the mysterious boy smiled to him, and when he drew closer to the other’s chest, he could hear a heart beating, and no, it wasn’t his own that he could feel thundering in his ears that was confusing him. That sculpture was alive, and Roxas wouldn’t have let the truth of the matter crush him.

That’s how the young artist started talking to the sculpture. He told him stories (“You’ll never guess what Aesop has come up with this time! A hare and a turtle, can you believe it?”), he played the lyre for him, he talked about his art and how he didn’t feel like such a great genius, because he was just sort of doing what he liked, people were probably overestimating his skills and that was why he couldn’t understand all that interest towards him. His parents were always busy in long travels, with the aim of selling and making his works known all over the world – as much as he was grateful to them and perfectly understood their good intentions to make of his passion a living, his art was keeping him away from both his parents and the others. He felt so frail and unsure, and since he couldn’t establish relationships with people, he started to surround himself with statues to prevent loneliness somehow.

“Talking to you is so easy, I can be myself. To you I’m not ‘the great sculptor’, ‘Apollo’s favorite’ or ‘the one that shines like the sun’. You don’t know how much it means to me” he told the statue, flashing out a big smile. But the statue didn’t reply, it would never do that. Realization assaulted him vehemently, and the boy broke down and cried with his head in the hands.

Although it looked like he wanted to make fun of him with that sweet smile, the mysterious boy made him feel so vulnerable – and yet, Roxas couldn’t help but fall madly in love with him.

“I love you. Please, say something, anything.”

Days passed and Roxas slowly stopped eating, speaking, doing anything else that wasn’t sitting on that chair and stare at the statue by day, and by night he couldn’t sleep at all. The pain of an impossible love and the hope that his love could start talking to him were keeping him awake, numbing him. But if there was something that had actually changed on the expression of the sculpture, it was the smile, that was gradually fading. Or maybe not. Roxas didn’t know, he couldn’t be sure about anything anymore.

The islanders started worrying. It had been so long, too long that they didn’t see his new works, and Roxas didn’t show up during Apollo’s celebration days. The boldest of them had knocked on his door to make sure that nothing serious had happened to him, but Roxas never opened.

One day, tired of begging the statue, he started praying his god. He prayed every minute, every moment, Roxas constantly prayed Apollo to do something. The artist asked him to rip his heart out, to take back his talent to not suffer any longer, to turn him into a statue if he couldn’t give life to the other, or to end that torture, because he couldn’t live like that anymore.

It was after the umpteenth prayer that Roxas got up from the chair and got closer to the statue. He bent down a little and caressed his face tenderly. He whispered “I beg you, don’t make me give up on you”, and kissed it.

Despite the love he felt for the sculpture, Roxas had never kissed it. It was just a statue, after all, and as far as he knew the truth in his heart, having any kind of contact with that cold stone would have been a further and useless confirmation of what he was stubbornly denying. But he was now desperate, and as much as he didn’t want to admit it, the harsh reality was getting the best of him. At that point, what else could he lose?

But, for who knows what absurd reason, the marble wasn’t as cold as he had expected it to be. He probably had gone mad (and this time for good), or maybe the warmth of his lips was warming the stone, but the other’s lips felt like they were getting warmer and even softer. He started to think that Apollo had listened to his prayers and was having him dead, and Roxas couldn’t have been more grateful to his god – He was granting him death in the sweetest way possible.

The artist kissed him a second time, then a third, and he felt the lips of the statues getting warmer and warmer, more real. His breath was starting to die in his throat, the legs couldn’t hold his weight anymore and the eyes stayed perfectly sealed, as he was scared of breaking who knows what spell if he had opened them.

He realized he was dead the moment he felt hands holding his face and lips moving and kissing him back with the same passion and heat, if not greater.

“Roxas, please open your eyes” a voice begged him in a whisper, the loveliest he had ever heard. From the tone he noticed that his owner was making a great effort, as if he didn’t want to break the kiss. Those lips now so familiar actually got back kissing him desperately, while the hands moved from the face to bury themselves in his blond hair.

Roxas, as he took a breath, felt the intense smell of jasmines invade his senses, and the other’s taste was making its way on his lips and his tongue.

“Roxas” he called again, but as much as the boy was begging him, the sculptor wouldn’t have let himself being deceived. He knew far too well what happened to Orpheus when he had turned back to look at his wife one step away from the exit of the Underworld, and he wasn’t stupid enough to make the same mistake.

“If I open my eyes you’ll disappear, won’t you?” he asked, pressing his lips against the other’s to make sure he was still there with him.

“Now that I can be with you? I don’t think so” the boy answered, kissing him back once again, “please look at me, open your eyes.”

And Roxas did. His eyes met immediately the other’s, now empty no more, but deep and blue like the sky, and his look moved on the boy’s features, on his sunkissed skin and the freckles that graciously decorated his face, shoulders and arms, on the red and slightly moist lips and on a raw white straight teeth exposed by a huge grin.

The hair was brown and messy, and Roxas reached out to caress it and feel its softness. He moved his hand on the other’s face, to feel the warmth of those ligthly flushed cheeks, as the other one, that was holding the boy’s hand, let go and slowly slid on his left forearm, touching gently the thin branch covered with white jasmines and bright green leaves that was wrapping it, reminding of the entwined crown hidden by his hair.

“You are beautiful, you know that?”

“Me? Well, thanks, but you’re the one that made me like this. You, instead! You are so beautiful that you look like a god, you’re literally the light of my eyes.”

The boy chuckled, a bit embarrassed, and Roxas found him adorable. But the smile faded from his lips and he gave the artist a look full of sorrow.

“I’m sorry. For everything. You don’t know how much I suffered watching you like that, how much I wanted to tell you that you weren’t alone. But I was just a statue, I didn’t know what to do…”

“I love you.”

The other was taken aback, astonished.

“You can’t interrupt someone’s apologies by declaring your love like this, that’s not fair! But I love you too.”

The two of them laughed and he took advantage of that to place another tender kiss on the sculptor’s lips.

“I still don’t know your name. Can you tell me?” Roxas asked, smiling.

“I don’t have one, but you could give me a name! Something that reminds of yours, though, maybe mixing the letters a little and taking out some of them, what do you think? It may sound stupid, I know that, but…”

“What about Sora?”

“Sora?” the boy thought about it for a moment, “Yes! Yes, I like it, you can call me that” Sora decided, showing off a smile so bright that Roxas was nearly blinded by it.

He really was his light. Sora had found him when he needed him the most, had took down the wall of statues that he had created and was able to expose all of his vulnerability. And he was there, with him, and Roxas couldn’t wait to show him the real world, to teach him everything he didn’t know, to figure out new things together and live with him out of that block of marble, out of that house.

As they were intensely looking in the eyes, madly in love, Roxas’ look was suddenly drawn to a mark imprinted under Sora’s right lobe. A little sun painted in red, the same one that was engraved on the bracelets that the artist used to wear to honor Apollo, and the boy smiled. He really was the god’s favorite.

Not so much time had passed, and the islanders were finally back to admire Roxas’ marvelous works of art. His garden was now full of statues even more beautiful, more real than before, and they noticed with peculiar interest and curiosity that the subjects were all paired, now. There were pairs of dogs, cats, birds on the verge of spreading their wings. Pairs of boys and girls so real that they radiated all the happiness and love they felt for each other, and people often stood perfectly still by the works, eyes widened, as if they were the true statues, avoiding to blink and hoping to be able to grasp the slightest of kisses.

Thank you for reading this fic, let me know if you liked it! That would make me so happy

Here’s the link to ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18149819

[srbachchan]

DAY 3730

Jalsa, Mumbai                  June 7/8,  2018               Thu/Fri 12:48 AM

Birthday - EF - Tejas Mankodi      Friday, June 8 ... happy birthday Tejas and wishes for a warm and affectionate day .. love from us all at the Ef

The day endeth .. and the desire to leave the sets is of no consequence .. leaving any situation is sad .. so is the work front, sad and unsatisfactory when leaving .. a bond of care and friendship matures as we strive for a common cause .. the betterment of our creativity in excelling what we may have been advised or contracted for ...  as also professionally to live up to the reason why we are called them .. its a family that cares for each other like no other .. the comfort the requirement .. that chair, those attendants on call .. the assistants to look after each and every detail of your work and prompting ,  helping out on situations that may have slipped your creative mind .. other than delivering your lines for you, they do all .. your hair , your make up, your food consumption, the respect for time informing delays or time breaks .. making it comfortable in the heat and diverting the cooling towards your overburdened costumes .. every little need, every little ...

Ah well .. they are just marvellous .. the crew and the team .. they build for you a castle a manor a private home within the premise of the sets and determine without any fuss or complain, that their artist is in good amicable surrounding .. at times they do far too much for you and it becomes embarrassing .. but do they must .. 

It takes a while ... but gradually the names become familiar .. the work they handle .. who to speak to when needed .. and most importantly who to speak to when the hunger pangs crave for that crispy, Pizza ..

A million hands jump up from no where to organise the very best, and within a short while the most delicious packaging arrives .. warm and fulfilling .. 

Thank you crew and team Dharma and team Brahmastra and team Ayan for the consideration .. and thank you Ranbir and Alia for your constant attention to the work ; supportive and meaningful .. your talent and credentials reflect on others .. on me .. and urge me to be better .. it is difficult when faced with your genius and ability, but I endeavour to keep up .. 

The rains pour down .. the long awaited monsoon is upon us .. the roads and the location starts to flood .. those drops of leakage from the roofs begin their journey into empty cans and buckets, to prevent the spread of the drops that percolate .. its pretty romantic in a way , the rain and the weather .. I have never asked or questioned why ; it just is .. the whiff of the coffee on set as some sip away the drop in energy, infectious even though you may not be a coffee freak .. that gentle hum of the portable cooling instrument as it glides through to bring down the trauma of heavy costuming .. that flurry of managers and ladies and gents in waiting, to fix help and tidy up your being as soon as the particular shot is over .. the minutest of detailing that they notice - that strand of hair out of place, the fold in the costume incorrect, the positions of the hand and body during the take and its continuity when its repeated from a different angle ..

That most affable director Ayan, considerate yet striving for the perfection that invades his sensibilities .. making the slightest of adjustments in modulation in movement in tone in look .. to enable the perfect shot  .. that earnest desire of dedication, and the strength of modelling yourself to furnish the tastes of the future generations, when they shall sit back and marvel at what they left behind for posterity ..

There is chatter of films and likes and dislikes .. of favourite actors the world over and their work .. of food and foodies .. of topics that concern language .. and the arts of general knowledge .. history and the sciences of the days gone by and the years ahead .. millions of people milling about, unknown to us but all working for the same cause - the film Brahmastra .. !!

Ranbir’s mother and family visit the set .. Neetu Singh a star in her own right and my leading lady in films .. of banter of days gone by .. of children and the wonder of grandchildren .. of home made eats and its sharing .. of just laughter and hilarity .. 

... and an entire battalion of workers all concentrating on some job or other, that is directly or indirectly connected to the final product .. nothing else matters .. within the four walls of the Studio floor that is all that transpires .. until you step out to the whole wild world and its time to fasten seat belts, “summon up the blood, stiffen the sinews” and ready oneself for the battle outside .. then it is just you and none other .. no attendants, no assistants running about you, no concerned crew and team ready to attend to ever beck and call .. nothing ..

Just yourself, your mind .. the replaying of the days’ work as you drive home .. and on doing so, a quiet spot in the house to just sit and ..

Many ask how we rewind and bring ourselves to some normalcy .. rewind ..? why must one rewind .. that was done and over .. move fast forward if you may please .. yet it does trouble .. that scene , that shot was it alright .. could it have been done better .. a change in attitude towards all that transpired .. all .. but in the end its just you in the ring .. screams and shouts of encouragement from beyond the ropes .. but within alone .. and the opponent .. ready to knock your head off .. and you taking and fighting it off to win to succeed ..

Its not easy to do that .. lasting those 3 rounds in the ring .. those rounds transporting you to several other rounds of life in the ring .. punching ducking blocking taking a hit straight on the jaw, and finding that weak spot in the opponent to deliver back what he gave ..

Takes guile , tact and a mind that plans and devises  .. the battle .. 

A battle that, let me warn you, may never end .. unlike the ending finally of those 3 gruelling rounds in the ring .. this round of life is eternal .. if not today, then tomorrow .. if not tomorrow then day after tomorrow .. and on .. the fight continues .. 

Hahahaha .. many ask when I shall retire and sit back .. !

Is that a designated routine .. a formality of life that needs to be applied .. rubbish ! Sit back from what .. what is that rocking chair beside a fireplace with the young grandchildren pulling your beard, going to do .. a momentary domestic pleasure .. sublime and filled with the joy of a ‘production line’ that shall bring continuity to your name and designation .. hopefully !!

I drift .. I become to preach .. I think of the self as someone that has experience which can be shared .. NAAAAaaaaHh .. that is garbage .. 

Nothing such shall happen .. I am not that .. delete then what has been read and written .. and ..

Good night

Amitabh Bachchan

[refractstudios]

Your First Look at Distance v1.0

Hey, everyone! As it's been said many times over the years, when we go dark something big is usually brewing under the surface. You probably can tell from the title, but after many grueling months we're finally ready to unveil what we've been creating.

Thanks for everyone's patience as we bring this insane 6+ year project to its conclusion. This year we've been fully focused on wrapping up the large bundle of content to all be released in Distance v1.0. It's essentially a huge DLC pack with several surprises inside. Since the start of early access, expanding upon our shipped level content has always been the plan, right alongside implementing the long list of promised features from our Kickstarter campaign (e.g. Trackmogrify, ghosts/replays, stunt mode, announcer, etc).

We're still working with our business partners to determine the release date, so we’re not yet able announce that in this devlog. In the meantime I’d like to cover some of what you can look forward to in Distance v1.0, as well as a few personal notes about the development process.

ADVENTURE

First up, Distance v1.0 includes a full featured Adventure campaign. This final campaign is a reworked and extended version of the campaign currently available on Steam Early Access. To achieve our original vision for Adventure the entire experience is receiving visual, audio, story, and gameplay upgrades.

(example of an upgraded Adventure level; new version above, old below)

In fleshing out the final narrative my goal was to create a unique experience by utilizing emotions not usually found within the racing genre. To achieve that we pursued a minimalist narrative that focuses heavily on atmosphere, mystery, and flow. Some loose story threads remain from the early access version, but in the end it’s a whole new beast.

The campaign in total is about 1 to 1.5 hours long depending on your skill level, so don't go in expecting an epic. It's a minimalist narrative experience, with gameplay focusing on the core abilities of your vehicle. The story is simple on the surface, but the deeper you look into it the more you may uncover.

Alongside the visual and gameplay upgrades, I've also worked hard to improve the overall soundscape with lots of new sounds, several new music tracks, and dynamic transitions. For a taste of some new stuff, here's a fresh new track from about halfway through the campaign.

As you’re probably aware I tend to prefer silence over accidentally spoiling something. It's probably overkill most of the time, but in talking about such a short campaign I'm not excited to give too much away. Hopefully these screenshots will hold you over until we can finally release a proper teaser trailer.

ARCADE

I'm also excited to say that the Arcade portion of Distance is also getting a large overhaul. Not only will we be releasing several brand new Arcade levels with v1.0, but we've redesigned the Arcade experience from the ground up. My aim with this redesign was to improve the sense of progression, give more value to earning medals, and make it more interesting to traverse the wide variety of included content.

With that goal in mind, the team came together to create new menus, improve existing ones, and logically group Arcade content as best as we can. After trying a few different progression systems, we settled on something simple and straightforward. Within Arcade there are level sets which can be unlocked by earning medals. We've also meticulously gone through each track and updated the bronze, silver, and gold times to be as accurate and consistent as possible.

As I mentioned above, several new arcade levels are being released with v1.0. These levels push our editor technology to its limit and explore completely different visual themes and gameplay than what’s found in the Adventure campaign.

(“Chroma” created by Kristian)

(“Virtual Rift” created by Galen)

Along those lines, I'm also pleased to announce that several of our favorite community-made levels will be directly included in v1.0! Not only does this allow us to highlight some amazing community levels directly from within the game, it's also our way to share these levels with PS4 players as we won’t have a Steam Workshop replacement at launch. Kristian, Brent, and Galen have also taken time to revamp several of their own levels from Steam Workshop to be directly included in v1.0.

(one example of an included Workshop level, “Inferno” by Backgrounds’)

(Brent upgraded his Workshop level “Neo Seoul” exclusively for v1.0)

By the way if you liked the old menus, don't worry because they're still included as the "Advanced" level select menu. It's even been improved further to include a search feature.

(the Advanced level select menu)

Much like the “Old Levels” in Nitronic Rush, a Legacy level set has been included. It features all of the classic levels from early access, as well as a few levels cut from the final version of the Adventure campaign. Since the changes between the old iterations and the final ones were substantial enough we figured they would be worth including as a fun bonus.

(the Legacy level set in Sprint mode)

In addition to the new unlockable levels in Arcade, we also spent time creating a few cheats that affect appearances or gameplay when enabled. Unlock them by earning various achievements/trophies. We thought this would be a fun way to give achievements more value instead of just being arbitrary tasks to complete. And yes, a few more achievements will be added to v1.0 on top of what already exists in the early access build.

(a few cheats to unlock in v1.0)

Finally, a quick comment on the unlockable cars. Yes, there will be a few bonus cars to unlock by earning achievements. You can change the colors if you like, but no, they do not affect gameplay at all. Here’s a look at the Archive.

(the unlockable “Archive” car)

Hundreds of other smaller improvements have been made across the board, including improvements to the car's damage system, the cockpit view, etc. Instead of dissecting each one it'll be more fun to just find those yourself.

LEVEL EDITOR

For all of our lovely level creators, just a quick note on the v1.0 editor. Don't expect a big v1.0 level editor overhaul but there will be several new features added. This includes access to the features and many new assets used to create new level content, plus a few new addable components.

For example, you can add an Animator Audio or Animator Camera Shake component to your animations. Regarding the new v1.0 assets mentioned above, you’ll have to wait a bit longer since showing them here would give too much away from the campaign.

(some example addable components coming to v1.0)

PS4 DEVELOPMENT

As it’s been for a while now, the PS4 side of development has eaten up a substantial amount of our time. Fortunately we’ve pushed past most of the scariest hurdles, and at a quick glance the PS4 build looks nearly identical to the PC build.

(one of the new Adventure campaign levels running on PS4)

One the biggest challenges we had to overcome was simply hitting our goal of 1080p at 60fps. After some impressive technical wizardry led by Jason, we’ve made substantial improvements to performance across the board for both the PS4 and PC builds.

More than anything we’ve smoothed out most of the rough spots in levels that were pushing the hardware to its limit, so the experience is quite a bit more consistent in each level. This was really important to us from the gameplay perspective because our fairly “twitchy” gameplay really feels subpar at even 30fps, so one way or another we think everyone will benefit from the work poured in here.

(performance graph showing frame rate over time in a new Arcade level running on PS4)

Beyond that, it’s just been a lot of work to support features like leaderboards with replay uploading/downloading, and the various technical certification requirements to allow us onto the PS4 in the first place. There’s still quite a bit of work to do there, so we’re currently evaluating how we can improve our process to wrap those up sooner.

NOTES ON THE DEVELOPMENT

Simultaneously managing public and private builds over the past few years has been a growing challenge for us, so to reach release as soon as possible we’re simplifying things by putting all of our energy into v1.0. Unfortunately that means that there will be no more updates to the Steam build until v1.0 is released.

We ended up taking a long and unorthodox approach to early access, and I understand if there’s been any confusion as to how v1.0 fits into the overall picture. We did our best for a long time to balance the development of both public and private builds, but it eventually became unsustainable to keep that up. Over the past year we’ve gradually transitioned to just focusing on v1.0 content (and tools to create that content), as well as solving the various technical challenges required to release on PS4.

As a result I haven’t had much to say publicly since everything we’re creating is secret, spoiler-filled content. Regardless, I fully acknowledge that I could have done better in terms of communication. The deeper I fell into creating “secret” content like the Adventure campaign, the harder and harder it became to break out of that world and maintain an external perspective of the project.

The reality of Distance as a project is that it’s been fairly overscoped from the start (at least for our team size and skill set). On top of that we do feel a duty to provide something innovative with artistic merit. For us it’s been a continual battle to not only live up to external expectations, but also live up to the standards we have ourselves. Instead of conceding defeat and scaling things back, we’ve continued to face each artistic and technical challenge until we’re satisfied with the final product. I’m not saying this was necessarily the wisest approach, but I hope you can understand how we ended up investing so much time into Distance.

It's been a long and bumpy process for all of us, but the v1.0 release is in sight and I think you’ll really like what we’ve cooked up. Distance has always been an extremely personal project for us, and as a result I think that you can see our personal passions shine through the final product. I’m extremely proud of my hard-working and dedicated teammates for pushing through endless barriers to reach this milestone. I’m also endlessly thankful to our faithful and extremely patient players who’ve been cheering from the sidelines from the start.

My next blog post will likely be the release date announcement. There also may or may not be a few secrets I neglected to mention here… so stay tuned. Thanks as always for the support!

- Jordan (with everyone at Refract)

[subetei-noykin]

I Am Livid

So, I've been off XIV for a few days, RL's been rough, etc etc, blah blah blah. Life happens, we all get it. To be honest though, the thing draining my muse lately has been something very personal that has today boiled over in the absolute worst of ways.

I'm going to be losing my veneer of reasonability and friendliness here. I promise you, how I am about to sound is not how I normally react but this is a situation I hope and trust people can understand, perhaps relate to. If you want to avoid drama and want to keep out of a personal rant, please avoid reading past the cut. 

@tarot-dancer​ (aka Neyuki)  is my RP partner, best friend and girlfriend of roughly 9 years at this point, perhaps 10. It's been a long time. I know her, I love her, I have seen what an amazing person she is. How anxious she is to play her character and just be left alone, how sweet she is and how open to the community she has been. She's not just an amazing person though, but everything I do? All my writing skills, my talent for creation and development of stories? I learned it from her. She has notepads where she writes ideas down, she frets over every little detail and inspiration she had. She has a love for roleplaying and creating that is nearly boundless.

Except lately.

As some of you may know, or may not considering her private stance over it, Neyuki has been recieving anon hate. It has been going on for a period of likely at least a month, longer perhaps, but even to me she is reluctant to go into full details because this is absolutely -mortifying- for her. The anon hate, in summary, alleges the following;

Neyuki is a character who is 'fake' and 'stolen' because of her design elements

Neyuki's player, my BEST FRIEND and LOVE OF MY LIFE, is scum, worthless, uncreative, a hack, etc, because of these 'stolen'/'fake' elements.

Neyuki's player, once again my best friend and love of my life, should completely abandon Tumblr and the XIV community, because this anon doesn't think they should be on it. Or die.

Yes. Wishing death has been involved.

The elements Neyuki has been accused of stealing are her dancer-like clothing and design choices and her off-model horn colors. To be specific, she uses lighter Thavnair inspired design clothing because Neyuki is canonically from Thavnair. Her off-model horn colors are a prismatic/opalescent color. This anon feels Neyuki stole both these and other elements from her.

So Neyuki has taken these anon hate blows as best she can. Trying to figure out who would accuse her of such a thing and then send her such vitriolic messages instead of speaking with her like a sane, reasonable individual. She's endured and tried to move on, but it hurts her. It has been emotionally and creatively devastating to her and I've -watched- her. Watched her slip further and further from a community she loves being a part of and further from a character she immensely enjoyed, that she poured heart and soul into.

I'm going to state, for the record, that Neyuki has a -fairly- good idea of who this anon is, but because we cannot prove it aside from a circumstantial trail and some evidence that may-or-may-not be definitive, I'm not going to name names here. I will say that Neyuki has spoken to others in this community who have confirmed this person has caused issues before, but again, without proof I will not directly call them out. Why? Because in this community, even if I'm -dead on-, without literally their name signed on this anon hate and screenshots of every interaction (and hell, -with- that kind of evidence), someone will turn this around on Neyuki to drag her even more through the mud.

Fast-forward to last night. Neyuki is trying her damndest to get over this and sends a nice, polite message to a fellow user on tumblr. Name omitted because this isn't their drama. This person reblogs the ask Neyuki sends and as soon as they do, THEY recieve hateful messages. For even posting a message Neyuki sent them on their dash, they were now the victim of this person's misdirected bullshit.

To say Neyuki is hurt is an understatement. To say she's devastated is much, much closer to being true but that doesn't even cover it. Neyuki now feels like she can't even participate in the Tumblr community without this person hounding them. Stalking their friends and associates, bringign their hate and bitterness to bear on anyone she dared associate with publically. It's pushed her to the point she's seriously considering leaving the community and XIV in general.

So why am I posting this? Because as a rule I don't care about my public image on Tumblr. I don't care that by posting this I'm opening myself up for attacks and hate and once I post this, I'll return to my position of refusing to post drama or personal junk unless I feel it's necessary. What I care about is that someone close to me is suffering so deeply that she is considering abandoning something she absolutely loves and enjoys doing.

Because of a coward.

I won't defend Neyuki's design choices or inspirations here, because I don't feel these baseless accusations from such a hateful coward -warrant- defense. The character Neyuki Utaura has design elements inspired by real life aesthetic, her cultural background and what her player liked. Prismatic, different or pearlescent horns are not so special as to scream 'stolen' the moment someone has them. So jumping to the conclusion that someone knows about, much less cares about, a character's design choices enough to out and out steal them is an act of SUPREME ARROGANCE on the part of this hateful, disgusting coward.

What I will defend is Neyuki. Who has never held herself to anything but the highest standards when it comes to her roleplaying and creative choices. Who is the mother of my child and an amazing, warm person who puts faith, trust and love in others because she genuinely wants to enjoy her time in this community. I have never seen her do a single thing I would consider wrong, or theft, or anything but working her character concept to new places on her own experience. I have never seen her steal, never seen her follow a blog and suddenly change her character, we've never discussed how she likes x from y and wants it on Neyuki. What I have seen her do is have an idea, find someone else popular has that same idea and shyly decide to drop the idea rather than risk THIS. EXACT. SITUATION.

My final word on the matter is this.

I don't expect anyone to care. Or come forward about this, to apologie or to try and back themselves up with some kind of proof. I don't even expect anyone to take this as seriously as I do, because they can't SEE the physical and mental effects. They can't see how heartbreaking it is. They don't know. What Iwant is to remind everyone to consider the human on the other side of the fucking computer before you do things like this. Defend yourself, protect your ideas if you feel they're being stolen, but have the fucking stomach and maturity to handle it directly instead of hiding and tearing someone down in a way they can't defend.

And to you.

The person behind this. If you happen to read this. If you happen to have taken the time out of your undoubtedly busy day of stalking someone I care about and tearing them apart for the sake of your own bloated, selfish egotism.

You are disgusting. The words arrogant, self-involved or even paranoid float by, but do you no justice. What you are is a psychotic, cowardly narcissist. You have attacked, belittled, stalked and threatened, WISHED DEATH UPON, another human being for the supposed 'crimes' of their character reminding you of elements of your own. If you were so confident of your case and evidence, you would present it and directly confront Neyuki, but you do not because you have nothing.

ARE. Nothing.

I have my suspicions who you are. And you've already slipped up and played your hand to people who know and are friends with Neyuki. One day you'll push the boundary just a little too far and give me just the last bit of evidence I need to drop this tidal wave of bullshit on your lap where it belongs. All the anons, the death threat, the 'please don't draw this character' snide shots to artists, the attacks and stalking, I'll pile it directly on your head where it belongs and on that day I really hope your toxic little ass has friends to support and comfort you. Because you will find no mercy in myself and those who care about Neyuki, no 'all is forgiven' after the inevitable half-assed apology you'll squeeze out to save face and no amount of victim playing or whining will make me think better of you. I have no pity on your obvious shortcomings and emotional instability, no tolerance for whatever you'll try to hide behind.

You are, in my eyes, nothing more than scum that has hurt the woman I love. I hope one day I get to return the favor unto you.

[ugh-supersoldiers]

Muses

MASTERLIST

Characters: Steve Rogers x reader

Summary: You were what you could easily call an insomniac, but lucky for you there’s a cute coffee shop in your neighborhood that stays open all night. On any other night, you’d be the only one in the place, sipping contently at a latte and writing in your journal, but what happens when a handsome super soldier with a sketchbook draws himself in the picture?

Warnings: Fluff, cuteness overload, bad editting (sorrrrryyy)

Words: 2681

A/N: This was an adoooorable request by @xxred-vengeancexx. I hope this was what you were looking for darling, enjoy xo

Also I’m a sucker for rainy atmospheres so I used a bunch of indie music for inspiration. Like Gregory Alan Isakov and David Gray. Totally recommend you guys listen them!

You hated sleep, mainly because sleep hated you. You’d always consider yourself lucky if you got a couple of hours during the night. Sometimes you’d wake up at an ungodly hour of the morning, unable to fall asleep again. You’d tried sleeping pills, going for walks, even a stint of meditation, but nothing worked. So, you discovered the all hours coffee shop that resided only about a block from your house and went there almost every night - or well, morning.

When you woke this time, you glanced over at your clock to see that it was 5 am, which in your eyes was a surprisingly late start. Instantly, your mind went to coffee. More specifically, your mind went to the caramel latte that was calling your name at the coffee house. 

You flung the covers off of yourself, stripping down from your pajamas and tossing on a pair of leggings and a yellow shirt that was a good four sizes to big. 

Whatever, you thought, not like I’m gonna see anyone I know.

You pulled a pair of boots on and grabbed your phone, shoving it in your purse with your journal and pen and plugged in your headphones so you could began listening to a new indie album you’d just downloaded, figuring you could at least drown out the rain with it. You unhooked the umbrella hanging by your coat and swung the door of your house open, opening up the umbrella and beginning your jaunt to the coffee house.

You hummed along with your music while you tried to keep dry as the subtle rain slowly turned into a downpour. You didn’t really mind all too much, rain had always been calming for you. 

When you reached the familiar coffee shop, your heart soared. You wrapped your fingers around the cold metal door handle and pulled it open with a broad smile on your face.

The sound of the little bell at the top of the door rang into the dimly lit shop as you pulled your headphones out, listening to the ambient musical selection of the shop instead.

“Fancy seeing you here.”

Your head snapped up as you closed your umbrella to see the face of the usual night worker at the place, whose name you hadn’t learned yet, but given your ever growing frequency in visits, you imagined you would soon.

“Nice to see you again.” You smiled warmly at her.

“Usual?” She asked you, turning back to get a cup to steam the milk with for your latte.

“Please.” You replied, delighted that she knew your order.

“Take a seat and I’ll bring it out to you.” 

“I can pay now if you’d like.”

“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart, this one’s on me.”

You were touched by her kindness and thanked her before taking a seat in one of the booths, taking out your journal and writing down more ideas for the new novel you so desperately dreamed of writing.

Within minutes, your latte arrived, with caramel drizzle just how you liked it.

“Thank you so much.” You said with a grin.

“Y’know, I see you in here almost every morning and I still don’t know your name.” She said before walking away.

“(Y/N).” You said, dropping the pen from your grasp to shake her hand.

“Mary.” She said, sharing your smile.

Mary walked back to behind the counter and left you to work feverishly between sips of latte. Your pen scratched against the paper of your notebook with a fury, jotting down every idea for every supporting character that you dreamed up in your head. 

You loved coming up with little narratives like this, but for some reason you were drawing a complete blank on the main plot. Writer’s block was unusual for you, highly unusual. 

You fiddled with the sugar packet that someone had left on the table from likely hours earlier, idly trying to conjure someone up in your head, but nothing came to you. You were so lost in thought that you barely even heard the door chime.

No one ever came in this early unless it was you, and you could see the surprise in Mary’s face when a man enters the shop, taking off his wet leather jacket and resting it over his arm.

“Hi there.” Mary said as a greeting.

“Morning.” He replied.

“What can I get ch’a?”

“Just some coffee would be great.”

“Gotta love a classic.” Mary laughed.

“Y’know, I get that a lot.” The man replied, his back facing you as Mary got him a mug and poured him his coffee. He quickly paid with a 5, telling her to keep the change, which she was very clearly impressed with.

You turned your focus back to your nonexistent plot, that was beginning to frustrate you more than anything else. You could’ve sworn steam was going to come out of your ears until you heard someone clear their throat from beside you.

You glanced upwards to the left to see the man that had just ordered coffee standing at the edge of the remaining booth seat. You, like almost every other human being, would recognize Captain America anywhere, and you were certain that this was him.

“May I?’ He asked quietly.

“‘Course.” You replied, gesturing for him to sit.

He set his cream colour coffee mug down on the table, placing a notebook similar to yours and a pen next to it. He rested his wet jacket over the banister behind his seat and sat down across from you.

You stared at your journal, pretending to flip through the pages to distract yourself from Steve Rogers who was directly in front of you at 5 am on a Saturday morning in your favourite coffee shop. 

“Y’know,” You broke the silence after a few moments, “People nowadays usually don’t choose to sit so close to the only other person in a coffee house.”

He glanced up at you with a picture perfect smile, “Call me old fashioned.”

“That much I gathered.”

You smirked back at him and dropped your eyes down to your journal again, rereading the same sentence over and over again, absorbing absolutely none of the information that you’d scribbled down in chicken scratch.

You aimlessly reached out and grabbed your mug, taking a larger sip than normal. You could feel your face flushing a shade a pink at the result of his presence.

The sound of his pencil scratching against his notebook in long strokes brought your attention to what he was doing. Unlike you and your dot jots, it appeared that he was drawing something.

You become fascinated by the way that he focused on his work, completely absorbed in what he was doing. You tried to peer over the edges of the notebook in an attempt to catch a glimpse of what he was drawing.

“You know, you could just ask to see.” 

You turned an even darker shade of red.

“Didn’t want to pry.” You shrugged, trying to play it off.

“So you thought snooping was less invasive?” You could hear him laugh a bit under his breath.

“It would’ve been less invasive had you not caught me.” You tried to suppress a giggle, once again diverting your eyes to your notebook.

He continued drawing, the dull sound of his pencil against paper filled your ears again. You found a strange comfort in his presence, you admired the way he sipped his coffee as you tried to sneak glances at him without him catching you again. 

You sort of felt like you were in the company of a celebrity, but at the same time, there was the air of calmness that Steve Rogers brought - very literally - to the table, and you enjoyed it immensely. 

“Do you have a name?” He asked as he sketched.

“Who’s prying now?” You laughed, beginning to doodle in the corner of your marked up page.

“Is asking for your name too personal?” He looked up at your from his work, reaching for his coffee and taking a sip.

“What, Captain America doesn’t like a little uncertainty? There’s magic in the mystery, you know.” 

He closed his notebook and rested his pen on top, you mirrored his actions.

“So you won’t give me a name?”

“Nope.”

You weren’t sure exactly why you were playing the game that you were, you just knew that the amused smile on his face made you want to keep at it.

“What if I guess it?”

“That’s against the rules.”

“What rules?” He laughed as he took another sip of his coffee.

“The rules that I made.” You stated.

He shook his head at you and laughed again, a quiet sound that made your heart flutter. Steve Rogers must’ve been the most handsome man you’d ever met in cafe at 5 am. Realistically, he was the only man you’d ever met like this, but even if you’d met others, they wouldn’t have stood a chance.

“You’re an artist?” You inquired, nodding at the black book next to his hand.

“An amateur at best.”

“They say you’re always your worst critic.” You replied, “Makes sense why I hate all of my works.”

“You draw?” He asked.

“I’m a writer,” You said, “One who can’t sleep and who sucks at coming up with plot arcs.”

“I’d say sorry that you can’t get some shut eye, but if you managed to have a normal sleep schedule that means I would’ve missed out on the mystery.” He said.

“Ah, we couldn’t have that.”

A slow song began to beat steadily in the background of the shop and you closed your eyes, enjoying the scent of fresh coffee grounds that filled your nose in combination with the beautiful melody.

“I love this song.” You remarked.

“Never heard it before.” Steve said, “It’s pretty though.”

“One of my friends had her first dance at her wedding to this song.” You told him.

He hummed in reply, “Seems like it would make a nice song for a dance.”

“Oh, it was.” 

“Was it your first dance song too?” 

You opened your eyes to see a glint of mischievousness in his eyes.

“Well,” You said, holding up your left hand to display your ringless fingers, “Typically a wedding takes two people. I am but one.”

“What a shame, I’m sure someone would really love to have someone like you.”

It struck you that Steve Rogers was flirting with you, and your face flushed yet again. You looked back down at your drink to try and camouflage your blush, but you knew he’d already noticed.

“Perhaps.” You said.

“Well, it would be a shame to waste the song.” He stood up from the seat and extended his hand for you to take, “May I have this dance?”

Your eyes went wide at his question. No one had really ever asked you to dance before, especially not in a deserted coffee house.

“I don’t bite.” He urged.

You nodded your head and took his hand, allowing him to lead you onto the empty floor as thunder and lightning rumbled outside.

You rested your arm around his neck, his around your waist, and your free hands joined together. You enjoyed the feeling of his warm body so close to yours, it relaxed you and helped to heat your cold frame from the cold outside.

He swayed you back and forth gently to the beat, humming along to the tune of the song when he picked up on it. You closed your eyes and took in the sound of his voice, that you were already enamored with. 

You could hear his heart beating and the sound of his breath and you let yourself fall victim of the reverie like state you were in. It felt like a dream, like you would wake up at any moment and discover that none of it ever happened. Too good to be true, how else would you describe slow dancing with someone like this?

He spun you outwards, and pulled you back in again, holding you just a little tighter than before, your faces inches a part. You couldn’t explain why he had this effect on you, all you could do was try to keep your knees from buckling.

“(Y/N).” You croaked out when the song came to a finish, “My name is (Y/N).”

Steve smiled down at you, “It’s nice to meet you, (Y/N).”

He lead you back to your booth by the hand, allowing you to sit back down on your side and begin drinking your latte again.

Without another word, he began sketching again in his notebook. You couldn’t look away from him, lost in watching the way his eyes darted along the page as he worked. He met your eyes and smiled at your embarrassment.

“I should get going.” He said with a sigh, wishing that he could sit there and talk to you more about absolutely anything.

You looked slightly disappointed, but nodded your head with a sad smile.

“I suppose, if the world needs saving, you’re the man to do it.” You said with a grin.

He finished up his drawing and placed it on the seat next to him, tearing the page out. 

“I enjoyed this.” He said.

“I did too.” You admitted.

“You know,” He began as he stood from his seat and shrugged his jacket back on, “I think I have an idea for that story of yours.”

“Oh, really?” You asked, crossing your arms over your chest.

“How about you write about a man who has one of the worst sleeps of his life and finds a place to get a cup of coffee where he meets the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen.”

You couldn’t help but beam at his words. You opened your journal again, flipping it to a new page to take notes.

“Continue.” You urged.

“He sits across from her, and she’s captivating but stubborn as hell, definitely a feisty one. So he asks her to dance, and she tells him her name and it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever heard.”

“Uh huh.” You said, scratching down absolute nonsense due to your shaking hand.

“What do you think he should do next?” He asked.

“Well, I think he should know that she’s sort of enamored with him,” As you said this, you watched his cheeks turn pink, “And that she comes in here around this time almost every morning, so if he ever wanted to see her again, he should come back tomorrow.”

Steve’s smile was the best thing you’d ever seen in your life, you couldn’t help but return it.

“Well, it was wonderful meeting you.” He said.

“I’m sure I’ll see you again soon.” You replied.

He bent down to press a kiss to your cheek, “Count on it.”

You heard his footsteps echo away from you, and the bell ring again when the door opened, the sound of the heavy rain rushing outside entered the cafe.

You laughed to yourself and shook your head, processing what had just happened. 

Deciding to get going yourself, you closed your notebook and threw it in your purse. Finishing the last sweet sip of your latte, you tried to slow the beating of your heart. No one had ever effected you quite like Steve Rogers had.

You stood up and grabbed your bag and umbrella, and walking towards the entrance, but something stopped you. Resting on the seat where Steve had been sitting was a piece of paper, face down. 

You furrowed your brow, reaching forward to grab it. You turned it over to see a drawing. Your heart nearly stopped, it was a detailed sketch of your face with a few words scribbled above it.

“(Y/N), my muse.” 

You folded the paper neatly and placed it gently in your purse as you exited the cafe and started your jaunt back home, unable to wipe the smile off of your face from the chance encounter you’d had with one very inspiring artist whom you’d see again the very next morning.

[yukipri]

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY, celebrated my way aka EVERYONE LOVES YUURI KISSES <3 <3 <3

Super self indulgent but man this made me happy to draw, I hope it makes some of you happy today too ^ ^

Thank you everyone who played my Valentine’s Day Game! The event is now closed, thanks for participating!! <3

ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS, SORRY I DIDN’T MAKE A SEPARATE POST BUT YOU’RE INCLUDED IN THIS BB <3

Explanations/headcanons beneath cut!

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PLEASE DO NOT REPOST, EDIT, OR OTHERWISE USE MY ART. More detailed rules available on my Rules & FAQ Post.

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The artist also appreciates if ship bashing can be kept out of the comments/tags. Don’t like, just skip <3 Thank you.

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Like this post? Interested in supporting the artist and encouraging the creation of more similar works? Please consider supporting me through Patreon or Ko-Fi!

So for those of you who didn’t know, I was running a guessing game where people had to guess who Yuuri’s partners were based on sketches. Sketches plus comparison to final below!

(note, all of these are meant to be full consent, reciprocal, and can either be separate AUs or my fav just a big poly relationship lol)

Victor x Yuuri - I wanted to go for something more domestic with this one. Big dramatic kisses are cool and all, but I also liked the idea of them being so used to each other and casual PDA that Yuuri’ll be doing something, Vic comes up from behind and Yuuri casually turns his head and doesn’t really need to look or pay attention for them to kiss, then goes right back to continuing whatever he was doing.

Yurio x Yuuri - AHAHAHAH all you people who guessed because of his abs, yes you know me too well ^ ^;;; I feel like this was the easiest to guess and a lot of you got it! Yurio is really aggressive and is trying WAY too hard, doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing but he’s passionate! His affection isn’t unwanted but he’s hurting Yuuri’s back a bit bending him over like that ^ ^;;

Phichit x Yuuri - Some of you also know me well bc I love this ship and my bias shows ^ ^; The very close, very reciprocal deep kiss. They’re super comfortable with each other and Phichit isn’t too aggressive and Yuuri’s very earnest in returning the kiss. They casually gross PDA all the time, and it doesn’t seem like it’d be too sexual given how platonic they usually are but they can surprise you~ <3

Chris x Yuuri - So I’ve mentioned this before, but I feel like in contrast to his sexual appeal overload on the ice, Chris is quite the sophisticated gentleman off the ice. He has a lot more experience with romance so of course he’ll lead with Yuuri, but he’ll take Yuuri to very classy and tasteful dates. Gentle but firm chin tilt asking for permission to kiss ;D

JJ x Yuuri - JJ is dramatic, aggressive, and pushy, but he’ll treat Yuuri like a freakin’ QUEEN on their date. Holds his hand, always opens the car door, leads up steps, calls him “Princess,” in a really cheesy but adoring sort of way. He’s super embarrassing and has no shame but means well ^ ^;

Seung-Gil x Yuuri - So this one was very specific scenario-based. Idea was Seung-Gil actually sorta liked the hug, so next time they run into each other at a competition decides to initiate one. Yuuri can see it coming and leans in, but Seung-Gil changes his mind last minute, already gripping Yuuri’s shoulder for a hug but using his other hand to tilt his chin up into a kiss. They’re both quite surprised, though Seung-Gil doesn’t show it. It’s a firm but chaste press of lips, before Seung-Gil realizes what he’s done, freezes, and probably flees...*oddly intense both people eyes open kiss LOL*

Georgi x Yuuri - Georgi is really, really embarrassing but super pure and earnest in his love. You can see the heart eyes pouring off of him and once you get over the awkwardness it’s actually sorta cute. He makes sure Yuuri has a good time and is probably over doing it but Yuuri appreciates it ^ ^;

Otabek x Yuuri - So Otabek is another one of those very civilized gentlemen, but unlike Chris, he doesn’t really have much romantic experience. He’ll plan a good date, is sensitive and empathetic, but is a bit awkward when it comes to actual romantic things. He’ll pick the safe, chaste route and kiss Yuuri’s hand, and it’s very sweet :D

Minami x Yuuri - If Yuuri’s idolizing of Victor was extreme, it was also relatively hidden, in the sense that anyone who knows Yuuri well has heard all about it and seen his room, but Yuuri’s quite quiet overall and not a lot of people know him enough to hear his personal thoughts directly. Minami, on the other hand, is used to screaming his love for Yuuri from the rooftops, has Yuuri support flags, probably writes Yuuri’s name on his forehead and overall just won’t shut up about it. When he finally gets the chance to kiss Yuuri when he’s grown up a bit, he’s a trembling mass of nerves and can’t stop shaking, but he really, REALLY wants to. Yuuri is patient and lets Minami lead, leans forward a bit but lets the boy come to him since Minami looks about ready to pass out. Minami’s hand doesn’t really know what to do, and all he manages is the teeniest peck before his face overheats and he probably either faints or runs away screaming...

Hope these were as fun for you as they were for me! :DD