#artist: stan grant
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Tracklist:
First Nation • Gadigal Land • Change The Date • Terror Australia • Desert Man, Desert Woman • Wind In My Head (Makarrata Version) • Uluru Statement From The Heart / Come On Down
Spotify ♪ YouTube
#hyltta-polls#polls#artist: midnight oil#language: english#decade: 2020s#Rock#Alternative Rock#Aussie Rock#artist: jessica mauboy#artist: tasman keith#artist: dan sultan#artist: joel davidson#artist: kaleena briggs#artist: bunna lawrie#artist: gurrumul yunupingu#artist: alice skye#artist: frank yamma#artist: kev carmody#artist: sammy butcher#artist: pat anderson#artist: stan grant#artist: adam goodes#artist: ursula yovich#artist: troy cassar-daley
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when I sing video games by Lana Del Rey know ITS FOR HIM.
#jermaposting#jerma985#jerma fanart#jermacore#jerma#artists on tumblr#girl blogging#lana del rey#lana del ray lyrics#lana del ray aesthetic#lana del ray aka lizzy grant#lana del ray moodboard#lana del ray song#lana del rey aesthetic#lana del rey unreleased#lana del rey vinyl#lana is our queen#lana is god#lana stan#lanadelrey
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I'm already obsessed with this song omg
𐙚𓏲⋆ ִֶָ ๋𓂃 ⋆ᡣ𐭩⋆˚࿔
#lana del ray aesthetic#lana del rey#lana del ray aka lizzy grant#quavo#lana songs#lana del rey songs#lana unreleased#tumblr girls#girl interrupted#girlcore#girly things#girlhood#girlblogger#girlblogging#lana del rey aesthetic#lana stan#lana is god#lana del ray moodboard#just girly things#this is what makes us girls#lizzy grant#obviously doctor you've never been a 13 year old girl#god is a woman#soundcloud#soundtrack#female urge#girly tumblr#artists on tumblr
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I'll Wait For Your Love
A StevexReaderxBucky Messy Triangle
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Everyone thank my husband because he fixed the wifi! This is only a bit of the final installation of 'My Little Decoy'. You can read the full version here. I didn't finish this as quickly as I wanted to, but it still got done a lot faster than I thought it would (yay anxiety!).
Thank you @fuckingbye for always putting up with my shit, and always making me amazing moodboards because I'm lame as shit. I love you and I can't wait to tackle you with a hug <3.
As always, please heed the warnings and I hope you enjoy it! Here we go!
Word Count: 35,290 (it's called growth)
Warnings: SMUT!! (18+ ONLY, MINORS DNI), Slight Infidelity, Arguments, Drinking, Smoking, Angst, Swearing, Self Loathing, Fluff, Heartbreak, Lying (by omission), Daddy Kink, Uhh...I think that's it?
Song(s) That Inspired This Chapter: You Cling To Your Papers and Pens, Wait Until You Like Me Again
Summary: When two major parts of your past come back and ask for another chance, do you stand your ground and stay with the life you've created for yourself, or do you decide to test the water after all this time and see if it's worth the leap of faith?
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I do not give consent/permission for my works/stories to get posted elsewhere. I do not condone this type of behavior, this is for entertainment purposes only.
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It’s weird. You had made peace with never seeing either man again, yet for the past hour, the three of you have been in your kitchen arguing. Bucky snaps at you, Steve defends you, you snap at Bucky, Steve gets you to calm down, Bucky snaps at him, and you threaten to kick him out. Honestly, for the most part, Steve is the mediator. You’re assuming that they have some level of friendship again, or he just doesn’t want to pile anymore guilt and pressure onto you.
It was clear to you that he hadn’t expected Bucky to follow him and, if he hadn’t been so focused on seeing you, he would’ve noticed Bucky’s car. Apparently, with Maria being pregnant, Steve assumed that Bucky hadn’t even noticed his erratic behavior.
He should’ve been right.
“James, I don’t know what you want me to say,” you sigh for what feels like the millionth time as you stir the white sauce on the stove. “I can only apologize so many times, but it’s not like you were in the dark. You saw the connection between Steve and I, and you decided to pursue me anyway. I didn’t start cheating until long after you had-”
“You being in love with Steve was already cheating!” he shouts at you, and you pinch the bridge of your nose.
“Are you ever capable of holding yourself accountable? Or is it only when you know you’re in danger of losing me? You never apologized for cheating and you still won’t fess up to it, you never actually apologized for your behavior when we found out I couldn’t get pregnant, and even now, you’re just throwing it in my face that I cheated on you after you cheated on me. Is that what you came all the way here for? To yell at me and make me feel small in my own home? Because, if it is, you can get the fuck out right now. I don’t need this shit from you, James. I didn’t need it then and I sure as shit don’t need it now,” you say firmly as you finally turn to face him.
You don’t miss the small smile that comes to Steve’s face, before he takes a sip from his beer bottle.
Bucky lets out a frustrated sigh before he ran a hand through his hair, “no, that’s not why I came out here.” “Then what did you come here for?”
“I wanted to see you,” he confesses softly.
You turn and open the oven to check on the salmon, “she’s pregnant, James. That’s what you wanted-” “I wanted it with you and you know that.”
“You cheated with her, James. You cheated with her because you knew it would hurt me the most, you fucked her at work, in our house, and went out with her after work very publicly to make me look like a fool. Then, you denied the whole thing to try and make me feel crazy, like I couldn’t see the lipstick stains on my pillow-”
“You hurt me!”
“Because I couldn’t have a fucking kid? You think that was a fun thing for me to find out?!”
“It wasn’t just the baby! You never loved me in the way that you love Steve, and I tried and tried-”
“Then why not just let me go?!”
“Cause I loved you. I love you.”
“Well, you got married to her a year after I left, and now she’s gonna have your child. Looks like you’re doing just fine.” “Don’t be fucking callous,” he scoffs.
“James, you followed Steve to my home to berate me, and you’re gonna sit there and tell me not to be callous? You went out of your way to have this argument, and for what? Because you couldn’t trap me into being in love with you? Go fuck yourself and die on that fucking cross you’re so desperate to hang yourself from!”
“Darlin’,” Steve snaps and Bucky rolls his eyes.
“I’m sorry, but fuck that. You want me to feel so bad for something I tried to ignore, and that’s not fair! What I did was wrong, but I tried. I defended you, I looked the other way, and never held anything over your head. You constantly went out of your way to hurt me, and I’m supposed to feel bad for finally following my heart? I’m supposed to feel bad because I wouldn’t let you trap me and make me hate myself anymore? Fuck that. I never played you for a fool, you did that shit to yourself, and I refuse to pay penance for it anymore,” you snap as you pour the bow ties into the boiling water. “God, where does your pregnant wife even think you are?”
“I just told her I needed to get out for a while.” “You’re such an asshole. I don’t even like the bitch and I think it’s a low blow. You leave your pregnant wife to tell your ex-wife that you still love her? What the fuck did you think was going to happen? What did you think I was gonna say? You thought I’d see the light and wanna take you back? You married her out of spite, James.”
“I do love her-”
“Well, clearly not enough,” you scoff, “this feels a lot like the pot calling the kettle black, because you love her, but you’re still pining over me? That’s fucking rich, I gotta say. You’re a real piece of work,” you chuckle dryly as you pour yourself another glass.
“I wanted to see you...make sure you’re okay. Nat and Meg won’t tell anyone anything, Meg won’t even talk to me-”
“Well, what the hell did you think was going to happen, James? I’ve been her best friend since we were six. Yeah, she’s not too fucking fond of you after everything that’s happened.”
“So what? You just hate me now?”
“I don’t hate you, you self centered asshole! I should, I have every fucking right to after the last year we spent together, and I wish I did, but I don’t! You’ve been attacking me! I’m sorry that you decided to pursue the one person your best friend was in love with, and I’m sorry that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t love you the way I’ve always loved Steve. I’m sorry that I cheated on you with Steve and it broke your heart even more. However, a lot of this shit could’ve been avoided if you would’ve just stayed away! I’m not your fucking scapegoat anymore, James. You’re finally getting what you want, and you’re still not happy-” “I don’t have you! I don’t have what I want-”
“You had me and then decided to treat me like an object! I can’t do anything about the fact that you treated me like total fucking trash, James! That’s on you, not me,” you state as the timer goes off.
As you turn off the stove top, Charlotte makes her way into the kitchen and sits patiently.
“You know better little miss,” you laugh softly, “go lay down.”
She huffs, but gets up and walks back to her bed nonetheless, and your heart flutters at Steve’s soft chuckle.
“So, that’s it?” Bucky huffs.
“I honestly don’t know what else you expect. I don’t know what more you want to know. Everything you’ve asked, I’ve been honest about, everything you deserve an apology for, I’ve apologized for...what else is there to say? What else is there to do?” you ask as his phone goes off.
Pulling it out (rather aggressively), he mutters, “what the fuck now?” before getting up and storming out, slamming the door shut behind him.
“If he breaks my house, I’ll break his neck,” you mutter, checking on the broccoli, before taking another sip from your glass.
“It’s Maria. She’s been on edge lately. She’s due in two months and she feels like Bucky’s attention is elsewhere.”
“I wonder why,” you scoff. “What about you? Are you gonna rake me over the coals too?”
“You know better than that, honey,” he sighs heavily. “We don’t have to-”
“You might as well, Steve. It’s why you’re here-”
“I’m here because I’ve missed you like crazy, and I wanted to see you. We’ve already gotten farther than I expected us too.”
“Why?”
“I wasn’t sure if you’d wanna see me or not.”
“I was never angry with you, Steve. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I still cry over it,” you scoff, rubbing your forehead.
“Then why-”
“I couldn’t do that to you, Steve. I loved you. I love you. Breaking up your friendship with Bucky? Stealing you from the Avengers-”
“I told you I’d go with you-”
“But you would’ve felt guilty. Yeah, you’d still love me, and you’d be happy to make a life with me anywhere, but you’d feel guilty. You and Bucky? I knew it could get resolved once I was out of the picture, and for the most part, I was right.”
“You didn’t give me a chance-”
“Because you wouldn’t have been logical about it, babe. Neither of us are ever exactly smart when it comes to each other,” you smile softly and he chuckles with a slight nod. “Please understand that it wasn’t something I did lightly, or that I didn’t think about how much it would hurt you. It seems like I’m always hurting you one way or another, and I’ve never wanted that.”
“We always find ways to hurt each other, darlin’. We can’t seem to get this dance right,” he sighs.
“No, we can’t.”
“Whatever you’re making smells amazing,” he smiles weakly.
“One of the many perks of no longer being an Avenger, I get to work on my cooking skills.”
“You’ve always been the best cook, babe,” he compliments as he gets up and makes his way over to you.
Having him so close to you still makes your brain so foggy, even after all this time.
“I’ll leave after dinner-”
“You don’t have to,” you quickly interrupt. “Neither one of you do. I have spare bedrooms...” “You’re comfortable with us staying here?”
“I mean, I’m already feeding the both of you and I don’t want you to spend the money, when there’s no need.”
“Still the most thoughtful person I know,” he whispers, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, and you lean into his touch. “There is something I have to tell you though.”
“Oh God.”
“They know.”
“They who?” “Everyone. I told Tony I’d be gone for a few days, because no matter what happened today, I knew I was gonna need time to recover, and he kept saying that he needs me to train the new recruits. So, I just folded and told him where I was going.”
“Shit.”
“I’m sorry, I really am, but I needed to see you, darlin’. I had no right and it’s your privacy, but I knew he wouldn’t let me go if I didn’t tell him.”
“No, it’s alright. I’m the one that left the way that I did...”
“He wants to see you, they all do.”
“Steve-”
“I didn’t promise them anything, I just told them I’d let you know.”
“I guess I owe it to everyone, don’t I?”
“That’s for you to decide,” he smirks as his eyes study your face. “You smell like vanilla and strawberries.”
“It’s my soap,” you giggle.
“I feel like I should be angry with you. You looked me in the eyes and lied to me.”
“To be fair, you did the same thing, Rogers. For years.”
“That’s true,” he sighs, backing up and leaning against the kitchen island.
Your confusion is short lived when you hear Bucky come storming back in.
“Are you staying over or not?” you ask as the second timer goes off.
He glares looking from you to Steve, “do you even want me here?”
“Whether I do or don’t isn’t the point. I’ve already made dinner, it’s getting late, and there’s no reason for you to spend money if you don’t have to. If you don’t have to go back tonight, I prefer you to stay where I know you’re safe. The last thing I need is for you to get into an accident on an almost five hour ride home, because you were sulking and not paying attention,” you mutter, dumping the bow ties into a strainer before transfer them to a bowl.
He looks taken aback (in a good way) , before responding with, “thank you,” and grabbing another beer.
“Ya know, I know you two can’t get drunk off of anything I have, but I do have stronger drinks.”
“This is fine, doll. Thank you.”
Well, at least he’s being nicer.
Soon enough, you’re taking the salmon out of the oven and breaking it up, before cutting up the broccoli and adding both to the bow ties. After adding in your homemade white sauce, you add just a bit of lemon juice and mixing it all in together. You can’t lie, it’s nice to cook for someone besides yourself for a change, even if the situation is extremely awkward.
“Uh, darlin’?” Steve asks softly as you take three plates out of your upper cabinet.
“Hmm?”
“Not to be creepy or nosey, but your phone keeps vibrating,” he laughs.
“Ah shit!”
You completely forget to answer the chat between you, Meg, Nat.
“Take as much as you want,” you tell them before sprinting up the steps.
Grabbing it off of the nightstand, you let out a small groan as you see the string of missed texts in the ‘Three Crazies’ chat.
Ms. Widow: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
Rock n’ Roll Queen: What happened???
Ms. Widow: Steve heard me on the phone with Y/N, and hes taking a few days off go and see her.
Rock n’ Roll Queen: Oh shit! Oh SHIT!
Ms. Window: I think Buck is going too, or something, cause he took a few days off too. Maria found out and she’s freaking the fuck out.
Rock n’ Roll Queen: Fuck.
Ms. Widow: The whole fucking compound is buzzing, and Bruce is more than upset with me. Y/N, I’m really so sorry.
Rock n’ Roll Queen: Has anyone said anything to you?
Ms. Widow: No, Tony’s been pacing all day and the team is kind of dumbfounded. No one knew where she was, now, both Steve and Bucky are off to see her. No one knows why the divorce happened...no one knows anything.
Rock n’ Roll Queen: Babe, has anyone said anything? Has anyone showed up?
Ms. Widow: Oh God, please answer.
Rock n’ Roll Queen: Starting to get worried here, babe.
Ms. Widow: Please don’t hate me. I’m so damn sorry. I didn’t know Steve was even around.
Y/N: They’re here now, both of them are downstairs eating dinner, and they’re staying over tonight. I’ll talk more after dinner when I’m getting ready for bed. I could never hate you, Nat. You should know that by now.
You place your phone in your back back pocket and run a stressed hand through your hair, pacing before you remember they can both hear you and just stand in the middle of your bedroom. How was everything spiraling so fast? How the fuck were you supposed to explain things without saying too much? Oh God, how the fuck were you gonna deal with Maria?
All of these thoughts were giving you a headache, and you’re growing hungrier by the second. Racing back downstairs, you walk right by the two sets of inquisitive eyes, and make yourself a large helping of the pasta dish into a bowl before showering it with a generous helping of Parmesan cheese.
“What’s wrong, darlin’?” Steve is first to ask, but the look on Bucky’s face lets you know he’s just as worried.
“Everything is fine, just having a day,” you mutter, grabbing a fork and your drink before making your into your living room, and curling up on the couch.
You honestly aren’t even mad at them, but you’re now trying to navigate how all of this is going to work. You’d closed that chapter of your life, and had dealt with things in your own way, but now? Now, everyone knows and for as much as you hate to admit it, they deserve an explanation. It doesn’t matter that you technically did everything by the book (turning in all your weapons and any sensitive and classified details you had), you still abandoned your friends. The family you got to create. All they want is to see you and know that you’re okay, and who are you to say no? None of them did anything to deserve that.
God, you hope they don’t think you’ll stay. You have no desire for that life anymore, nor do you feel like seeing Maria’s smug fucking face anymore. No, you’re life isn’t exactly quiet now, but it’s a lot more calm and a lot more stable. You have your job, your fur baby, your home-
“Darlin’,” Steve sighs as he sits at the other end of the sofa.
You hadn’t even noticed that Charlotte had sensed your anxiety and stress, and curled up by your toes.
“I’m sorry, this is my fault-”
“I’m the one who walked away like I did, Steve.”
“Be that as it may, I-we disrupted your privacy. No, I didn’t expect Bucky to follow me, but I...I just needed to see you and didn’t think about anything else. I haven’t seen much of your life out here, but I can tell it’s quiet, you’re happy, and you’re finally at peace. Now, you have a million questions to answer and people to answer to. I’m really sorry, honey.”
“It’s...it’s fine,” you sob, not even understanding why you’re crying.
All at once, all of these emotions just overwhelm you, and you feel as if you’re drowning.
“Darlin’?!”
“What the hell did you do to her?!” you hear Bucky faintly yell.
Everything seems to fade around you and all sound is lost. Your family, friends, past...you have to face them all. Everything you’ve tricked yourself into thinking you’ve healed from is all of a sudden back in your life at once; the scabs all feel torn off and bleed again. Without warning, no easing back into it, and you have no idea what to expect. What if everyone hates you? What if no one even wants to see you? Is Maria the favorite now? Is she in your old office? You faintly feel someone wrap their arms around you, and you honestly don’t care which one of them it is, you just cling to them in a weak attempt to bring yourself back down.
“Darlin’, you’re okay, it’s all okay. Buck and I are right here,” Steve promises with worry laced in every word as he softly rubs your back.
He pulls you close and you can tell he’s trying to regulate your breathing with his own.
“I need you to breathe for me, pretty girl. Deep breaths,” he coos softly.
“M...Meg! Please call Meg,” you sob.
“Call Meg!” he repeats harshly towards Bucky, and you hate yourself for how worried they both are.
You pray that they don’t start arguing, because you don’t know what the hell you’ll do, and you can faintly hear Charlotte whining and feel her little paws on your lap. You haven’t had a panic attack since your second night there, and she’s never seen you have one.
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This is only a bit of the final installation of 'My Little Decoy'. You can read the full version here.
#fanfic#fan fiction#fan fic#fanfiction#a03 fanfic#ao3#ao3 fanfic#Patreon#patreon artist#steve rogers smut#steve rogers x reader#steve rogers fanfiction#james buchanan barnes x reader#james buchanan barnes#james bucky barnes#steve rogers x you#steve rogers fluff#steve rodgers x reader#steve rogers#chris evans character x reader#chris evans characters#chris evans character fanfiction#Seba#sebastian stan characters#Steve#stevexreaderxbucky#steven grant rogers x reader#Steve Rogers#steve rogers x f!reader#Steve Rogers x
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DAY 04 - TATTOO ARTIST . (Swipe for old version) This took me longer than i expected, i didn't liked the previous art - in fact it is one the old arts that i like the least - so that's why i decided to make it from scratch, and also, my unstoppable urge to make a lot of tiny little details. At least this time i had more success into making Bucky look like Sebastian Stan's Tommy Lee (which was the original intention) That's it, xoxo
My commissions are still open babies, and you can also support me on Ko-fi <3
#steve rogers#bucky barnes#james buchanan barnes#stevebucky#stucky#marvel fanart#captain america#steven grant rogers#ipad8#james barnes#tattoo artist#tattoo studio#tommy lee#sebastian stan tommy lee#sebastian stan
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#aesthetic#lana del rey#lizzy grant#lana is god#girlblogging#girl interrupted#girl crying#lux lisbon#this is what makes us girls#cinnamon girl#ldr aesthetic#girl blogger#grungy girls#it girl#tumblr girls#just girly things#girlhood#female hysteria#this is a girlblog#girls who like girls#artists on tumblr#2014 tumblr#philosophy#black swan#girly aesthetic#female rage#art#lana del ray aka lizzy grant#lana del ray aesthetic#lana stan
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tagged by the fabulous @cordiallyfuturedwight and @jimin-gaon <33 here's the december list
apologies for being late again new year same me: @aprylynn @jiminsproof @pauls-mccharmly @thvinyl @visionsofgideontheninth @btsbs @kimchokejin @jihopesjoint @eoieopda @monismochi 💜 and anyone else who feels so inclined MWAH p.s. please do tag me anyway if you've already done it
#superfluous commentary in the tags as per usual:#i feel you - ADORE THIS TRACK i can't even explain what it does to my psyche except that it initiates a beach episode.#noso is a phenomenal queer artist and you should check them out#smoke and mirrors - ms faith back in action on the rotation i loved this album in 2009 and it still hits. for the love of GOD take me back#loving you - i am a paolo nutini stan if nothing else. exceptional#love is all around - i am in my frazzled english woman era hence the romcom soundtrack#and tell me who could possibly embody that frazzled english spirit better than four weddings hugh grant#boys don't cry - it's the cure by name and the cure by nature for one listen and i am FIXED!!!#she's always a woman - now billy joel is a great name for a cat or hamster but i digress. the stranger album of the year 2023 (again i fear)#little bird - was annie lennox in the last one?? i still have this on repeat.#googling the lyrics and it thinks i want the jonas brothers and it makes me want to sit right down and cry cry cry i'll tell you that much#jenny - paolo again can you blame me? i cannot express how much i adore his entire discography.#these scottish italians... deadly combination for my mental health. peter capaldi sit down#white flag - dido save me.. save me dido... my jihope anthem because i WILL go down with this ship#eternal flame - banger after banger it's almost as if i made this playlist myself!! can you feel my heart beating??? i apologise#as for the artist list#norah jones and jamie cullum christmas albums on repeat lord forgive me for i have listened to jazz#hozier and abba seem to make it without fail every month. for those who aren't familiar hozier is like if abba were irish. and bitchless.#NOW I'VE SAID TOO MUCH#the rest of the artists are fab of course but does olivia dean know i would die for her?#anyway. insert closing statements#tag#receiptify#MWAH
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Guys I’m going to release some more of my actual music Im gonna put it on YouTube
My main goals are to become a small artist and gradually grow.
#2014 tumblr#black swan#lana del rey#lizzy grant#priscilla movie#2014 aesthetic#girl interrupted#lana del ray aka lizzy grant#girlblogger#this is a girlblog#artists on tumblr#music#new music#my music#female manipulator#female rage#female hysteria#lana aesthetic#fall aesthetic#fall vibes#fall season#fall 2024#lana stan#lana is god#lana unreleased#lana core#lana is our queen#pricsilla#sylvia plath#support
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people take Jane Austen for granted.
#people also take Taylor Swift for granted!!!!!!#people also take William Shakespeare for granted#those central pieces/figures/artists who speak to the central experiences of humanity#people love to be obsessed with side characters/off beat/off to the side artists#and I for one think it’s a real flaw of this age#NO. allow yourself to LOOK AT THE CENTER#and let it be CENTRAL#‘Jane and Bingley are better than Lizzy and Darcy’ they literally are not be SO serious#this is why I like teaching teenagers. their combination of no judgment but a lot of taste means they know where to pay attention#to what is happening in the center#sorry none of these thoughts are connected but also they are#anyway you can love whatever you want but I maintain there are some things this culture takes for granted without which side character#stanning/energy couldn’t even exist#it’s like. have some respect.
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#this is what makes us girls#lana del rey#blogging#love#ethel cain#light feminine#music#lana unreleased#lana stan#artists on tumblr#americana#gloomy coquette#lana del ray aka lizzy grant#lana
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another older piece
#lana del rey#lana del ray aka lizzy grant#lana del ray aesthetic#lana del slay#lana is god#lana stan#lana del ray moodboard#self taught artist#digital artist#art#new art account#artists on tumblr#digital illustration#digital art#artwork
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It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on Earth with you
Tell me all the things you wanna do
Lana Del Rey - Video Games
CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER LONG
#lana del rey#lana del ray aka lizzy grant#lana del ray aesthetic#lana core#lana is god#lana stan#lana del slay#born to die#artists on tumblr
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#weird girl#autumn#downtown girl#music#thought daughter#thoughts#timeless#artists on tumblr#spotify#girlblogging#tumblr girls#lana del ray aka lizzy grant#lana del rey#lana stan#lana is our queen#sylvia plath#books#toast#fig tree#halloween#winter#writers on tumblr#reading#fiona apple#film
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My Little Decoy
A StevexReaderxBucky Messy Triangle
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Another story for Patreon! So, for this one, I'm a bit anxious (when am I not?), because this definitely took off in the complete opposite direction of what I initially planned. That being said, I hope you all enjoy it!
Thank you as always to @fuckingbye for the amazing moodboard, I love you to bits for literally everything you do! I was in the middle of updating three other stories when this idea came to me, so please just work with me! (I'm so sorry I'm like this.)
Anywho, here we go!
Word Count: 34,776 (I'm not even gonna apologize anymore)
Warnings: Honestly, this entire fucking story. SMUT (MINORS DNI 18+ ONLY), Threesome, Lying, Infidelity, Emotional Cheating, Swearing, Drinking, Infertility, Family Drama, Angst, Lusting, Daddy Kink, Running Away, Tie Play, Cuff Play, Crying, Fluff, Best friends to lovers...that's all I can think of? They're honestly so many.
Song(s) That Inspired This Chapter: Don't Look So Blue, You Should've Seen Right Thru, I'm Using You, My Little Decoy
Summary: You truly do have the best intentions when you try to move on and suppress your feelings for your best friend Steve, and try to move on with Bucky. Unfortunately, life doesn't give a damn about intentions. Neither does love.
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I do not give consent/permission for my stories/works to get posted elsewhere. I do not condone this type of behavior, this is for entertainment purposes only.
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You wonder how the hell it got to this point in the first place as you lay in Steve’s soft bed sheets. What feels like it should be a quiet moment of peace is juxtaposed with your current reality; Bucky pounding on the front door and you and Steve conspiring to think of some kind- any kind- of excuse.
You truly don’t understand how it got to this.
It all feels like it started so long ago. You didn’t even know 6 years could feel so fast, much less pass so quickly. You look around at where you are now, at Steve, as you listen to the shaking of the front door against Bucky’s fist as he continues thumping away. Fuck. What if memories lie? Maybe it is that long ago.
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6 Years Earlier...
“Babe, you ever had a night out in the city?” Bucky asked as you took off your gear.
Training was brutal and everyone was looking for a way to relieve stress. You knew The Avengers were all planning to meet up at some club downtown, but you had other plans.
“I have, and as much fun as it can be, I have other plans,” you laugh as you take your hair out of the tightest ponytail you’d ever had it in.
“Oh? What are you getting into?” Natasha laughs, making her way over with Bruce holding onto her as if he’d lose her.
“My friend’s band is playing tonight. I promised her I’d go if we finished up early enough.”
“Oh, this I gotta see!” Bruce chimes in as you laugh and shake your head. “You never let us have a peak into your personal life!”
“God, I haven’t been to a show in forever,” Natasha chimes in with raised eyebrows.
He wasn’t wrong. You played everything so close to the chest; wanting to keep those you love and care for the most safe...wanting to keep yourself safe. Since none of them were relenting (not to mention they’re the damn Avengers), you finally agreed and told them to meet you outside of your room at the compound in about two hours.
“Is it too late for me to get in on this?” Steve asks just as the group was about to disperse.
“There you are!” Bucky interjects before anyone has a chance to say anything. “Y/N is giving us a peak into her personal life! We’re all meeting at her place in two hours and going from there,” he laughs patting his best friend on the back.
Steve looked at you with a cocked eyebrow and you just laugh and nod, giving him the ‘OK’ to tag along. Unbeknownst to the others, you and Steve hung out the most. No, he’d never been privy to your personal life, but you two spent a lot of time watching movies and listening to music together on the weekends. Occasionally, Bucky would get in on the action, but it was mainly you and Steve. You and Steve had a certain level of comfort that you didn’t have with the rest of them. It was more of an unspoken, private thing and that’s how the both of you preferred it. You both understood each other, and neither of you ever made the other feel sad or out of place for things that had gone wrong in each other’s past. You both had wounds you were still healing from, and you gave each other the space needed for that to happen.
You’d always had a thing for Steve. He kept himself at a distance, so it was difficult for you to tell if he ever felt the same. After a while, you’d stopped trying and just accepted him as a friend. He told you that he’d wanted to go back and stay with Peggy, but he was too afraid to leave Bucky on his own again, so he’d come back instead. He wasn’t even sure if Bucky would ever be okay with being alone; Steve just stayed without asking him. It seemed like the right thing to do, and he didn’t hate the current timeline too much.
Soon enough, everyone is in your small little complex, drinking and laughing as you put together the last bit of your outfit. The thought of Steve joining all of you had you more anxious than you cared to admit, so you chalked it up to the normal anxiety of inviting your work colleagues into your personal life.
Which was more than fair.
“I’m sure you look amazing, lets go! I’m too excited for this!” Natasha hollers as she makes her way into your bedroom.
“Nat!”
“Oh, they’re all in there drinking away! You’re fine,” she laughs, closing the door behind her. “Well shit!”
“I swear to God, I’ll change right now!”
“No! You look amazing!” she promised as her hands covered her mouth. “None of us have ever seen you out of work clothes, and babe...you look amazing,” she laughs in shock.
“Should I change? I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea-”
“If you’re comfortable, who cares. No one wants to interfere with your personal life. I think we’re all more afraid of pushing you away,” she laughs.
“You really think it’s okay?”
“I mean, I think you’re hot as fuck,” she laughed as you rolled your eyes, “but I think you look amazing.”
“You sure?”
“Get enough alcohol in them , they won’t even notice when you leave for the bathroom,” she laughed.
Even though you laughed along with her, you knew better. James Buchanan Barnes kept his attention on you almost as well as Steve, but you never thought anything of it. It always had a more platonic feeling than with Steve, almost more familial.
When you came out, Steve was the first to look at you. His mouth slightly agape was enough to make you wanna go back, but Bucky was quick to chime in-
“Someone is ready for a night out,” he laughed.
That’s all it took.
Soon enough, you were taking shots and laughing with everyone else. Even Pepper and Tony were excited and joined you all. Your life was something so foreign to them, and you could tell that they all felt extremely excited that you trusted them enough.
In all honesty, you felt more comfortable because Steve was there. You knew he’d never let anything happen to you, and you’d never let anything happen to him. If you were being completely honest, you’d only wanted to invite him out. How it spiraled, you’re still not sure but it did. It The only thing that felt off was letting him see you dressed as you were. It was weird for all of them to see you dressed as you were, but Steve couldn’t take his eyes off you.
You were in red plaid crop top, with tight fighting black jeans that hugged your hips in just the right way, and black low top heels. You put your hair in loose curls, and finished it off with eyeliner and mascara. After a brutal day of training, you really didn’t wanna spend forever doing your makeup, because you knew you’d wanna come home after everything was over and go right back to sleep. Yeah, everything was hugging your body in just the right way, but you weren’t about to change.
You were introducing them to your life.
Before you all left, Thor filled three flasks with his mead from Asgard for himself, Steve, and Bucky and you laughed pretty damn hard.
“We wanna enjoy this night too,” he winked at you as you rolled your eyes.
The walk was easy enough, but it felt like it took forever. People kept asking for pictures with the OG Avengers, they had a million questions, and of course they were all happy to be as kind as possible. It’s not that you minded all that much, but you really missed your best friend. Work had been kicking your ass, she had been extremely busy, and was in the middle of planning her wedding. Nights off were extremely rare, but actually getting to see her and her friends perform? It had been forever.
“You made it!” she squealed once you were finally inside the club with everyone, almost knocking you over with how hard she hugged you.
“I told you I’d show! Even if I would’ve only caught the last song,” you laughed as you hugged her back just as tight. “We still on for drinks after?”
“Fuck yes! Your tits look amazing in this top, we’re definitely getting free drinks out of it,” she beamed with a wink and you burst out laughing. “Okay, I’ve seen all of you on TV, but I still wanna officially meet everyone,” she smiled at everyone. “I’m Meg.”
As everyone went around introduced themselves, you made your way to the bar, to grab your signature Jack and Coke.
“Hell yes! You made it!” Meg’s finance, Paul, beamed as he made your drink.
“Why is everyone so shocked that I’m here?!”
“You haven’t been to a show in years!”
“Blah, blah, blah,” you muttered as you reached behind the bar and grabbed his pack of cigarettes.
“You bring the Avengers with you and you dare to steal from me?” he sneered sarcastically as he handed you your drink.
You laughed as you reached across the bar and kissed his cheek, “I’m sure our friendship will survive it.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Dude, I had no idea the place would be so packed tonight.”
“I have a feeling everyone here had a long ass Friday.” “Yeah, well they better treat my baby right.” “You two!”
He rolled his eyes as he flipped you off, “enjoy the show!”
“Thank you, Paaauuullll,” you sang out as everyone joined you.
You looked up to see Steve staring at you intently, and he quickly turned towards the stage when he realized he was caught. Before you could allow yourself to think on it or feel flattered, you heard your best friend yell from the stage as she started to make her guitar scream.
“We’re ‘Flowers of Cinnamon’, and thanks for spending your Friday night with us!”
From that moment on, you were barely paying attention to your surroundings. With the exception of your drink, you didn’t focus on anything other than your best friend rocking the fuck out. It had always just been a hobby for her, but she had always been so damn good at it. You envied how effortlessly performing came to her. The band was a cross between Paramore, The Bangles, and All Time Low, and they were just as amazing as you remembered. You wouldn’t have been able to stay still even if you’d wanted to. You sang and danced along to every song, bouncing around, and screaming your head off. You had no clue that Steve had been watching you with the biggest grin on his face, Bucky had been watching your chest bounce up and down, or that Tony had been recording your reaction to your best friend’s music, smiling so hard at your happiness.
Every other song, your best friend made eye contact with you and laughed, and nothing else seemed to matter. Thinking back on it, you wished it had, because maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so fucked up, but you were just so damn happy. The more drinks got, the more you danced and sang around, finally feeling comfortable and happy, even with your new set of friends watching you.
“Okay, this is gonna be our last song for the night,” Meg smiled into the microphone and she laughed at amount of “boos” they received. “Listen, I wanna get fucked up too!” she joked, gaining laughs from the crowd. “Okay, so tonight is extremely special because my best friend on the entire planet is here and brought her friends with her! Thanks babe! So, our last song is gonna be a cover of one of her favorite songs ever,” she winked at you as you cocked an eyebrow.
As soon as you heard the first cord of ‘Decoy’ by Paramore hum out of the speakers, you screamed so loud that everyone in your group (and Paul) started laughing.
‘Close your eyes and make believe that this is where you wanna be
Forgetting all the memories, try to forget love cause love’s forgotten me
Well hey, hey baby, it’s never too late
Pretty soon you won’t remember a thing
All I’ll be distant, the stars reminiscing
Your heart’s been wasted on me’
You sang along so effortlessly as you started to jump up and down.
‘You’ve never been so used as I’m using you, abusing you
My little decoy
Don’t look so blue, you should’ve seen right through
I’m using you, my little decoy
My little decoy’
You linked arms with Nat, who clearly didn’t know the song, but was more than happy to sing and dance along with you. You glanced around and it made you so happy to see everyone else happy and having a good time. It’s not like you were a stick in the mud at work but, you never let loose. Even when it came to holiday and birthday parties, you were pretty damn reserved. The only person who can claim that they’ve seen you fucked up is Steve, and even then it was just you being wine drunk on the sofa while you two listened to albums and discussed work.
No, this was you letting lose and everyone accepting it. Accepting you. You looked over at Steve and he a look of pure love and adoration in his eyes, and it made your heart swell.
God, you wished you would’ve paid more attention to the way both he and Bucky looked at you that night, but you were just so damn happy and having so much fun.
If you could turn back time...
“Am I still okay at singing?” Meg asked once she finally made her way over to all of you.
“Dude, you’re still fucking amazing!” you beamed as you wrapped her in a tight hug and she laughed. “That was so good! Thank you for playing ‘Decoy’, almost making me cry!”
“Aha!” she teased before she looked at everyone else. “What about Earth’s mightiest heroes? Were you all able to tolerate it?”
“That was amazing,” Tony laughed, Pepper nodding in agreement.
“Why don’t you do this full time?” Nat asked as you waived Paul down and got another drink for both you and Meg.
“If I did this full time, I’d be so stressed all the damn time,” Meg laughed, “I’m much happier painting.”
“What do you paint? Do you have a studio?” Clint inquired and a smile came to your face.
Things were going better than you could have ever imagined.
As everyone got acquainted, you snuck to have a smoke. A few moments later, a smile came to your face when you saw Steve come out after you.
“You said you’re quitting those,” he nodded towards the cigarette in your hand.
“I stole Paul’s,” you laughed, standing a little further from him so as to not get the smoke in his face.
“I can handle it,” he laughed as he placed his black leather jacket on you. “You’re pretty...exposed and I don’t want you getting cold.”
“Well, aren’t you just the sweetest man?” you teased before you inhaled your cancer stick. “Who else knows about this? I’ll call the ‘New York Times’” He snickered as he shook his head, “quiet you.”
“Are you having fun tonight?”
“I am, I like you seeing like this.”
You scoffed, “crazy?” “Happy...content. Secure.”
You felt your cheeks heat up at his words, and the look he gave you along with it, had butterflies appearing in your stomach.
“We should get back inside,” you smiled at up at him as you ashed the last of your cigarette and threw it in the nearby trash bin.
And maybe that’s when it started.
You just missed all the signs that night, because you were convinced Steve didn’t want you.
He convinced you he didn’t want you.
When the two of you got back inside, Paul had just finished up his shift and the guys had finished helping Meg back up her equipment which she had decided to lock up in the manager’s office for the night.
“Dancing! We need dancing!” she whined once her eyes landed on you.
“Hell yeah we do,” you laughed as you linked arms with both her and Nat.
Once again, you didn’t notice the way Bucky ogled you or the way Steve kept a close eye on you. When you all reached the next bar, you instantly ordered more drinks and pulled Nat and Meg onto the dance floor with you, still wearing Steve’s coat. He leaned against the bar, talking with Tony and Pepper, but still kept an eye on you. As Janet Jackson’s voiced filled the giant building, you danced around with the biggest smile on your face (at some point Meg had put her sunglasses on your face), smiling and waiving at Bucky when you saw his eyes glued to you.
Well, glues to your ass.
By the time everyone was ready to call it a night, you were drunk as shit.
“You’re not coming back to the compound?” Nat asked as she stumbled out after you.
“Nah, I wanna sleep in my own space tonight. It’s closer,” you giggled as you started giving out hugs.
“I can take you,” Bucky offered with a slick grin.
“I can take her, she’s on the way to my house,” Steve countered, and Meg cocked an eyebrow at you.
You just started dancing and walking.
“Goodnight everyone! Get home safe! I love you all!”
You were drunk, tired, and in no mood to figure out whatever that was about. You just wanted to go home and get in your bed. You honestly don’t know why you didn’t go back to the compound that night, but it just felt right to go to your own home. You already spent so little time there to begin with. A few moments later, you heard the hurried footsteps of someone behind you, but you kept looking ahead.
“You’re impatient when you’re drunk,” Steve laughed as he came up beside you.
A small smile came to your face at the fact that Steve was the one to walk you home.
You giggled as you leaned into him, “my feet hurt.”
No sooner than you said it, he scooped you up.
“Steve!”
“You weigh nothing, don’t worry about it, darlin.” “It’s a 30 minute walk!”
“I’m very well aware of where your apartment is.” “Steve-”
“Hush.”
You pouted but did as you were told, leaned into him, and took in the scent that was all his own. Something between woodsy and fresh cut grass. In your drunken state, he felt like home.
“Why didn’t you want Bucky to take me home?” you asked after a few moments, not missing the way he stiffened a bit.
“He’s a little buzzed and he gets a little handsy and flirty at times. I didn’t want him to bother you.” You giggled as you took in more of his scent, “you’re literally carrying me, Steve.” “You said your feet hurt.” “Are you a little buzzed?”
“I definitely don’t feel sober,” he chuckled softly and you softly sighed at the comfort of rumble in his chest.
“Do you wanna sleepover?”
“I’ll order a car service once I drop you off.”
“Why not order one now?”
“It was weird...everyone hanging out tonight. I feel like we haven’t hung out alone together in a while.” “Then why not sleepover?”
“Cause I should go home. I don’t wanna accidentally wake you up or something. You worked hard today and you need rest.” “So did you.” “Y/N.” “You’re so weird sometimes, Steve,” you huffed as you laced your hand with his.
“What are you doing?”
“Holding your hand like I’ve done a million times before. What’s wrong?” “Nothing.”
You rolled your eyes and mumbled, “alright weirdo.” “I’m not being weird.”
“You’re not being normal.”
He let out a frustrated huff, “did you have fun tonight?”
“So much fun, I’m so happy you came out.”
“I’ve missed you, darlin.” “I’ve missed you too. Steve?”
“Hmm?”
“Sleepover.”
“Y/N-” “See? You are being weird. You’ve slept over my place a ton before, in my bed, and it wasn’t weird. What’s so different about tonight?”
He muttered, “so many things.” “Like what?”
“It’s just been a long night.”
“Fine, whatever. Go home, see if I give a fuck.” “Hey!”
“You’re being weird and you won’t tell me why. You know I hate when you do that shit.”
“I just think I should sleep in my own bed, darlin’. I’m not trying to be weird or make you upset.”
He sounded so strained and you couldn’t read his facial expression, so you couldn’t see how torn up he was. You couldn’t tell how much he was at war with himself.
You couldn’t tell how much he wanted you.
He chuckled when you didn’t say anything, “don’t get quiet on me now.”
“Can you at least stay until I fall asleep? It won’t take long.” “Everything okay, darlin’?”
“Yeah Steve, I just miss you,” you confessed softly.
“We’ll do a sleepover tomorrow, alright? We’ll have it at my house.” “Fine.” “Don’t be upset.” “I don’t care.” “You’re also a giant brat when you’re drunk.” “You’re saying that you miss me, but won’t spend time with me!”
God, you sounded like a brat to your own ears. That was a huge part as to why you’d never let him see you so inebriated. It’s why you never wanted anyone from The Avengers (or S.H.I.E.L.D for that matter) to see you so drunk. It became harder for you to suppress your feelings for Steve, and he’s all you wanted when you were drunk. For reasons unknown to you (at the time), Steve wanted to go home. That should’ve been enough, but your drunk wanted to hold him all night.
You were going out of your way to start an argument.
He let out a heavy sigh as he reached your complex, “I’ll stay-”
“Don’t do me any fucking favors-” “Will stop arguing with me? And stop with swearing, you know I hate it.” “Well maybe I hate you.”
He scoffed hard at that, “no you don’t.”
“You don’t know that-”
“Yes I do, so stop saying it. I’ll stay, okay?”
“And you’ll sleep next to me?”
“Yes darlin’, I will sleep next to you.”
You pressed a soft kiss to his neck and you felt his grip on you get tighter, “thank you, Steve!”
“Anything for you, sweetheart.”
That night, he was good to his word and slept next to you, letting use his chest as a pillow and you were asleep almost instantly. The next day, he was back to normal and you didn’t think anything of his behavior from the previous night. You had no reason to. However, from that day on, things did slowly start to change more.
It started with Bucky coming around more, especially when Steve was with you. You couldn’t sense it, because has always been entirely too good at hiding his emotions, but he slowly became frustrated. So much that he basically stopped coming around all together.
“Hey, are you busy?” you asked timidly as you approached his office one day.
“Yeah, unfortunately.” “Oh...okay then-”
“What’s wrong?”
“No, you’re busy and I don’t wanna take up your time...”
You could feel your eyes welling up and didn’t know why. Steve always had a way of making you so damn soft and vulnerable, and you truly hated it.
You still hate it.
“Darlin’-” “Please stop calling me that. The guy who started calling me that doesn’t seem to exist anymore. If he does, he’s making sure to stay away from me.”
“He still exists-” “Then what’s going on? Why are you staying away from me?”
He sighed as he threw down his pen, “nothing-”
“Alright, if you’re just gonna lie to me-” “I’m not lying!”
“Steve, you saw me walking with Bucky yesterday and literally turned in the other direction and walked away.” “You guys are just hanging out a lot now and I don’t wanna third wheel-” “You wouldn’t third wheeling! We’re just friends!”
“Y/N...” “Steve, why are you just abandoning me? You’re the one I’m closest to and you know that. You’ve always known that,” you sobbed as you closed the door behind you.
“Please don’t cry-” “Then why are you abandoning me?! What did I do wrong?!”
“Nothing-”
“Then what the fuck?! You’ve been acting so strange, but you’re saying I haven’t done anything! If I didn’t do anything, what the fuck is going on with you?!”
He let out another frustrated sigh and just stared at you, clearly at war with himself.
“Fuck this and fuck you, I give up,” you sobbed as you dried your eyes.
“Darlin’”
“Stop calling me that! I’m just Y/N and you’re just Steve. I can’t do this with you anymore!”
After you stormed out, things only got worse, because you’d never felt so low and alone in your life. Unless it had to do with a mission or training, you barely even looked his way. The farther you got away from Steve, the more Bucky swooped in. In fact, the more you look at how everything happened, you realize that things wouldn’t have gotten so bad if you’d just shut things down with the both of them.
However, it’s not as if thinking with a broken heart ever lead to a good thing.
You cried a lot and Bucky was just there for you. He was sweet, he listened, and let you keep your secrets. Sure, he asked what happened between you and Steve (everyone was), but he dropped it when you told him you wouldn’t be talking about it.
You can’t explain what you don’t know.
“Hey doll, we’re goin’ out tonight. You wanna come? Invite Meg!” Bucky asked one night after you let him in your apartment on the compound.
“Nah, I’ve got a hot date with a black and white French film and a few glasses of wine,” you smiled weakly.
“You can’t stay in here forever.”
“I don’t. Sometimes I go home.” “Babe-”
“I just wanna stay in, Buck,” you sighed as someone else knocked on your door. “I guess I’m just the most popular girl in the world.”
When you opened it the second time, Steve stood there looking just as upset as you felt. Instead of even trying to attempt to hear him out, a rage flared up inside you and you had to force yourself to not shove him. As far as you were concerned, he had a lot of fucking nerve to show up at your place after all the shit that happened in his office.
“What?”
“I wanted to know if you’re coming out tonight-”
“No.”
“Well, can I come in and we can talk? I know I owe you an explanation-”
“I don’t want an explanation anymore, Steve,” you lied harshly, “I just want you to leave me alone. I stood in your office and cried like a fucking dumbass...that was a month ago. Now you wanna talk? Just leave things as they are.”
You truly wish you hadn’t spoken out of anger because none of it was true. You cried over him whenever you were alone, you missed hanging out with him, you missed falling asleep next to him...you missed Steve. Your Steve.
You’ve always been a hot head.
“Darlin-” “What have I told you about that?” “Y/N, just give me a few minutes-”
“No, go away. Unless it has to do with work, we don’t have anything to talk about.” “You don’t mean that,” he more pleaded than told you.
“I’ve never meant it more!”
“Y/N-”
Bucky sighed as he came up behind you, “she just needs to cool off, Pal.”
If you hadn’t been so upset and hurt you would’ve laughed at how wide Steve’s eyes got.
“We’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
“I thought you were coming out. It was your idea in the first damn place,” Steve snapped.
“I don’t wanna leave Y/N while she’s this upset. She shouldn’t be alone right now.”
Steve opened his mouth to say something, but all that happened was he clenched his jaw and looked away before he stormed off, punching the wall on his way out.
You should’ve spoken to him. You should’ve gone after him. Instead you pushed past Bucky and made yourself your first glass of wine of the night.
“Babe-”
“Buck, if you’re gonna stay here tonight, please no lectures. I just wanna be upset, okay?”
He just nodded solemnly, “I get it. No lectures, just drinks and weird French movies,” he smirked and you quietly laughed.
Here’s the thing: it’s not that you never found Bucky attractive, you just never thought about him. You were always thinking about Steve. However, at that time, thinking about Steve brought you too much pain and you didn’t want to feel anymore pain for a while. You just wanted to feel numb. You’d rather have nothing, the void, than hold onto the pain Steve’s brought on.
You rested your legs on him when he sat next to you, not thinking anything of it. When he started stroking your leg after the third glass of wine, you still didn’t think anything of it. You only started to pick up on his actions when he squeezed your thigh a little.
“Buck?”
“Yeah doll?” “What are you doing?”
“Trying to help you relax and feel better.”
“Buck-”
“I’ve never seen you this upset, babe. I just wanna help.”
The thought and the offer were tempting. You couldn’t remember the last time you had gotten off to something other than your vibrator. Of course you’d made subtle advances towards Steve, but he’d clearly turned you down. Plus, the women around the compound did talk. While Bucky had a reputation for being a skirt chaser, he also had a reputation for wearing women out in the best way.
It’s not like you were looking for anything. You just wanted to forget for awhile.
He tested the waters a bit more by sliding his hand further up your leg, waiting to see how you’d respond.
You placed your wine glass on the ground and opened your legs for him a bit, “you just wanna make me feel better?”
“So fuckin’ good, doll,” he husked, as he reached between your legs and easily ripped your panties off, “just lay back and enjoy, baby.”
His movements were slow, but his kisses were desperate. It felt good, but off. Not to mention you felt more guilty with every kiss he gave you, like you were betraying Steve.
‘Fuck Steve,’ you told yourself mentally, ‘he had his chance and he clearly didn’t want it.’
You closed your eyes in a vain attempt to shut out any thoughts of Steve, but that only made his face come to mind. You let out a sound between a moan and a frustrated grunt as you pulled Bucky’s hair.
“Please!”
“Tell me how bad you want it,” he smirked, his hot breath lapped at your pussy.
“So fucking bad, please! Need it!”
“Love seeing you like this,” he cooed, before he dipped down and dove in and his lewd moans filled the room.
This was the moment Bucky became your “decoy”. You didn’t want him in the same way he wanted you, but part of you felt like he didn’t actually give a shit. Since he’d lost Nat to Bruce, Bucky wasn’t ever really looking for a relationship. He liked to play around, entertain a woman (or two) for a few months, then he’d move on. As far as you were concerned, that night was only supposed to be a one time thing.
“F-fuck!” you moaned, doing your best to be in the moment as you lulled your head back while he fucked you with his tongue and massaged your clit with his thumb. “Feels so good, Buck!”
You weren’t lying completely. It’s not as if Bucky was bad at eating you out, he just wasn’t the one you wanted doing it.
You felt him smirk against your folds, and started to grind your pussy against his face, forcing yourself to focus on all the pleasure you felt instead of everything else.
‘Steve doesn’t want you. Steve doesn’t want you. Stop thinking about Steve!’ you told yourself mentally.
When he switched up and started sucking on your clit, he easily pressed two fingers into your soaked folds. You felt the knot in your core tighten and snap.
“FUCK!” you cried out as you came hard and a few tears escaped your eyes.
You hated how the tears weren’t from pleasure, but you masked it well enough as he fucked you through your high.
“Take off that fuckin’ shirt, baby. Let me fuckin’ see you,” he husked as he took off his own shirt and started to undo his jeans.
You were quick to do as he said, taking all of him as you ignored how uncomfortable you felt being so bare beneath him as his mouth glistened with your juices.
You were doing this to feel better, so why weren’t you feeling any better?
“Waited so fuckin’ long, baby,” he groaned as he dipped down and worshiped each of your breasts while his thumb made little circles on your clit.
“Bucky!”
“I know baby, I’m gonna take care of you, gonna take such good care of you,” he moaned before you felt his tongue on the side of your neck, licking up little beads of sweat.
You took a deep breath and told yourself you wanted it as you felt him at your entrance. You wanted Bucky. You just needed to let yourself relax.
“Jesus, you’re fuckin’ tight!” he grunted as he pushed into you.
“Oh fuck!”
“I know you can take me, baby! Your wet little pussy is squeezing me so tight, baby!” “Please don’t stop,” you whimpered as you wrapped a leg around his waist, trying to hang on to him as he fucked into you hard and fast.
You wanted this. You agreed to this.
He pushed himself up with his metal arm and looked down at you adoringly, “wanted you for so long, doll. Waited for...ah fuck!”
To avoid feeling anymore guilt, you wrapped an arm around him to pull him close and kissed him passionately, moaning into his mouth when you felt him fill you to the brim. He rode out both your highs before he rested his forehead against yours.
“So good, baby. You tired?” he asked, breath still coming heavy.
You just closed your eyes and shook your head no.
“Good girl.”
Bucky kept at it for a while, not feeling any real pleasure until he brought you off (which you had to fake half the time). There was nothing wrong with him. You found him attractive, and you knew that he wanted you, but it just wasn’t what you wanted. All of it felt so hollow and emotionless on your end. You felt like you were acting and Bucky was working his ass off to please you; to make matters worse, your phone kept going off and you knew who it was.
Steve would’ve hated you if he knew what you were doing and who with, but a part of you felt like he already did. When you both were done, Bucky was a gentleman. He pulled your shirt over your head, carried you to bed, and held you close until you both fell asleep.
You didn’t cry until the next day when you woke up alone in an empty apartment. You ignored calls from both Bucky and Steve, and eventually Bucky was the only one texting you.
Something in you knew that Bucky had confirmed his suspicions, and you just knew he was furious. You and Steve both knew Bucky wasn’t a bad guy, he was just a player and Steve never wanted that for you.
Eventually you cracked and called Meg, and cried while you told her everything.
“Well...fuck,” she muttered once you finally got everything out. “Are you sure Steve knows?”
“His calls and texts were incessant until they weren’t. He hasn’t done either in the last 3 hours.”
“Oh yeah no, he definitely fucking knows. Bucky?”
“Bucky went from every 30 minutes to every other hour.”
“Well, what’s wrong with him?” “Nothing...”
“Except?”
“He’s not Steve.”
“Yeah, but Steve passed up on you, and he was kind of a dick about it. He waited a month until after the office situation? You’ve been showing him your available for how many years? I know you love him, but-”
“I don’t love him.”
“Yeah, cause that’s you’re crying to me about him instead of the skirt chaser that fucked your brains out?”
“Meg.”
“I’m not being insensitive, I’m being honest. Bucky was there last night, clearly wanted you, was with you all night, and all you could think about was Steve. Today, even though Bucky is still texting you, you’re more upset that Steve isn’t because you know he knows. If I were you, I’d be more worried about the guy that’s used to fucking around breaking my heart, than the guy who isn’t,” she sighed.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Steve had his chance, I need to let him go. I’ve been in my room crying all day...I have to stop.”
“Can you?”
“I don’t have much of a choice do I?”
“Babe, if you could end up with Steve, I’d prefer that, but that’s not really an option. Even if he came back, he gave you the run around for a bit. Just focus on you for now and what you want. You always want to make others happy, and you need to focus on you.”
“You’re right. I know you’re right.”
“Do you need me to come over?”
“No, being alone is good for me right now.”
“Alright, I love you, Y/N. It’s gonna be okay.”
You let out a heavy sigh as you sobbed, “I love you,” and hung up.
You ignored Bucky for the rest of the day, feeling guilty about it, but knowing it was for the best. You’d done enough wrong and you truly did need to focus on you and what you wanted.
However, before you fell asleep, you broke down and checked all your texts from Steve.
O Captain, My Captain: Darlin, please just talk to me. I’m so sorry.
O Captain, My Captain: I’m not going out tonight, please just answer me.
O Captain, My Captain: Don’t do anything with Bucky. He’s my best friend, but he’s not worthy of you. He won’t treat you right and you know that.
O Captain, My Captain: Please just answer me.
O Captain, My Captain: If I could take back my actions, I would. I’m so sorry. If you’d just talk to me, I’d be able to make you understand.
O Captain, My Captain: Please talk to me. I miss you so much.
O Captain, My Captain: I’m going to sleep, but give me a call whenever.
O Captain, My Captain: Seriously? All night and you’re still not talking to me?
O Captain, My Captain: Baby, please just talk to me. We’ve never gone this long without talking, and I fucking hate it.
O Captain, My Captain: Y/N...please.
O Captain, My Captain: Bucky just left. You’ve made yourself loud and clear, and fine. I got it.
O Captain, My Captain: Do whatever the fuck you want.
When you woke up the following day, you had the biggest headache from crying, and the last thing you felt like doing was facing either of them. You had a job to do though, and criminals didn’t stop being criminals just because you had a broken heart. Even though you were slower to dress than usual, you were still on time for training, and God, it was brutal.
Bucky kept looking at you, Steve wouldn’t even look your way, and you couldn’t focus. You’d never had a day so bad, and all you wanted was to crawl back into bed. During the meeting after, you just leaned against the wall, barely listening to anything Nick had to say. The one time you bothered to look up, you looked over at Steve and was glaring at you.
God, you really fucking hated yourself.
“Doll, wait up!” Bucky called after you once the meeting was over.
You’d practically run out of the room.
“Bucky, I really just want-”
“What did I do wrong?” he breathed once he caught up to you. “Everything seemed fine on Saturday, I thought we both enjoyed it.”
You didn’t miss the way Steve quietly scoffed as he walked past the both of you.
“Bucky, I just-”
“Did I hurt you? What...I really like you, Y/N. I have for a while and I just...was I too eager?”
You honestly hadn’t expected that.
“Wait...what?”
“I never said anything, because I thought you and Steve had a thing going, but that’s clearly not happening. You were just so upset on Saturday and I wanted to make you happy, and I’ve wanted you for so long...what did I do?”
Trash. You felt like absolute trash.
“I need to get to my room.” “Y/N-”
“Just...I’ll talk to you later, okay? You didn’t do anything wrong, I promise. I just have a lot going on in my head. I just need to be by myself for a while.”
“Please just-”
“I’ll talk to you later, okay? I’m sorry.”
~~
You can read the rest here.
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Monthly post🤪🤪
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one of my fig’s
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