#aren't good for anxiety
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Bird Of Passage
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Boy leaves in autumn.
Gone winter, spring, and summer,
He's back the next fall.
#my writing#original poem#original work#writing#poetry#haiku#haiku poetry#haiku poem#something i remembered/found#on the old nanowrimo forums#fuck nanowrimo#by the way#the organization#and- personally- the challenge#time limits *and* stupid word count goals#aren't good for anxiety#that is all
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not the biggest fan of how "society should be structured with basic care and regard for the germ theory of disease" is now apparently a fringe left position even to the fringe left, reserved for wokescolds and loony lefties who don't know when to let things go.
it is quite depressing to see that "maybe we shouldn't let large groups of people die to preventable illness" is, very much a lost battle at this point.
#juney.txt#I'm not gonna be able to go outside without a looming sense of dread and anxiety for probably the rest of my life i think.#good to see we've reached a party line of ''better things aren't possible'' though#glad we've finally unified on going out to brunch and going to see concerts and letting strangers spit directly into our mouths#hashtag back to normal#we've learned to live with covid!#and by that i mean we've learned to pretend it isn't there#while many of us . Don't Live. with covid#we live in hell. the material conditions for revolution will never arise in our lifetime#and even if they do they will be squandered in the name of the status quo#we will compromise on everything and build a world absolutely no better than we left it#how fucking bleak
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Heyyyyy could anyone else stand to have life calm down just a bit just for a sec just for a treat just for fun
#About Me#The election on The Wife's birthday#to her being in the hospital twice in seven days including the day before Thanksgiving#to me not having a full day off in a month solid#to a plumbing emergency I had to get another loan from my republican mother for and even then it's tight#to both The Wife and I being deeply neurodivergent anxiety riddled messes#like seriously when my time off lands in ten days I'm not getting out of bed for the entire first week and nobody can make me#This isn't even a comprehensive list#I swear the only good news I've had this month is that my kidneys aren't shutting down
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Hey there! Just wanted to let you know that I'm imagining signs that you've lost interest in me! I wanted to make it clear that it's totally fine! I totally understand my place as a worthless, disposable object! Just wanted to confirm whether you'd like to kill me, or have me vanish quietly from your life so there's no guilt or hard feelings? Let me know!
#to be clear this is not actually how i feel#this is the awful anxiety i have when i read into signals that aren't actually there#there are two good ways to soothe this afaik#you can ask#and be clear that you're asking from a place of anxiety#or you can remind yourself of all the signs that the person cares#and that they have their own life outside of you#n@writing#n@ post
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Something I love:
Fi
Fi :) Everything to do with Fi. Fanart of Fi. Fanfiction that has Fi. The games with Fi. Fi's metal cloth sleeves. Fi's words- telling Link statistics of survival at the beginning of the game and good luck by the end. Fi's colour scheme of purple and blue. Fi's dancing. Fi's singing while Link plays harp.
I love Fi <3
#Fi#skyward sword#sksw#Zelda#Loz#tloz#loz sksw#I think she's in hyrule warriors too but I don't know the tags for that?#oooo look at me#posting and stuff#the anxiety dust bunny in my head says reblogs are scary and posts aren't good enough#but she'll be ok I'll feed her some carrots#anyways yeah I can be more active here rn :D which I've been answering lots of asks and stuff so uhh yeah#you are loved and you matter <33#if you ever need a reminder I'm here :))
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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ok so apparently in kanade's 2nd side story mizuki reveals her secret to niigo but her coming out scene is just a cut to black and then skipped???? it shows everyone's reaction but the actual coming out is non existent????? i'm really not sure how i feel about this and am scared of what's next ;w;
#i still stand by my overall take on the event's conceit being about addressing ena's biases and transmisogyny#and even if this is the arc's end it doesn't mean that we're not going to see the consequences of all of this in the next one#bc this is how it's always been?#mizuki being transfem at this point is pretty much text for anyone who's /actually/ reading and engaging in good faith#but i guess it's hard to shake off the anxiety that colopale and sega are going to refuse to say it Outright forever#out of fear of alienating audiences who aren't onboard with mizuki's trans narrative or whatever#i'll always continue loving mizuki and niigo but it would be hurtful for them to never Say It#espec bc the writing really Gets all the nuances and subtleties of trans girlhood#gamo.txt
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hi what do you use to draw program/brush/ect wise? I really like your brushes you use
hi hi!
for my digital art i use HiPaint (it's basically a procreate clone for people who don't have apple products 😅) it's free to use and you can watch an ad to unlock premium features and brushes for 2hrs. another heads up on ads, sometimes when you open/return to a canvas it plays a short ad (like less than 5 seconds) and occasionally an ad bar will appear at the bottom of the canvas, but otherwise it's a pretty simple and clear UI. it does have a subscription plan to remove ads and get all the premium features, BUT the nice thing is it also has one-time purchases for select premium features as well. the number of layers depends on how big the canvas is. it has a lot of useful tools (gradient, clip mask, liquify, simple animation, etc etc.)
and the brush, i got from Kipzis Brush Shop: https://www.kipzi.ca/l/cmadd?layout=profile
#ask the crab#i always like a good textured brush#because with smooth brushes#i end up getting too focused on making the lines smooth#but if the lines aren't smooth to begin with it helps snap me out of the perfectionist mindset#honestly have been considering paying for the one-time purchase to remove the ads#they're not annoying but the one-time purchase doesn't cost too much and it would just be a QOL improvement#plus GOSH i hate subscription services#just too much anxiety#y'all remember buying something once and owning it?#man that is wild#i have had an issue in the past where entire layers disappeared on me but that seems to have been fixed
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Do you guys wanna see something so immensely Tim Drake it kills the man? (In a good way. Affectionately. I love him so much)
There's so much that could be said here, it's great
#hey DC when are you gonna make good comics again#you know like back when you gave a shit about individual characters#imagine that#Tim Drake#social skills? whopps i thought you said social anxiety#over-analyzes everything bc brain too big#rambles in his head but weirdly bc who talks like that nobody talks like that#wants to have friends and be social but it’s difficult guys okay#also a sneaky bastard#that’s how he gets away with a lot lmao#polar opposite to Jason who is extremely Direct and constantly gets in trouble#Dick falls somewhere in the middle and tries to charm his way out of stuff#but I digress that’s really far besides the point jgfhhf#Tim hates when things aren't logical bc then he can't predict the outcome of situations and it triggers his anxiety bad#we've been told that before#and alas people in their people-y ways are always various degrees of unpredictable#RIP Tim I adore you I'm sorry
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friend who I haven't seen in almost a year: *skillfully parking a large vehicle right next to my large vehicle*
me: You better not scratch the paint! :D
friend: *silent, concentrating*
my socially anxious ass: *Oh, no! My comment was not received in the spirit it was intended! I've made a social blunder!*
#social anxiety#friends#friendship#adulthood#pack it up boys we've made a social blunder#🕸️#yeah they probably aren't mad but it feels like I was mean#I'ma just apologize when I see them later but I think we're perfectly good
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Maybe it's just me, but part of why I never really felt completely secure in being public about my own artistic endeavors was how... being proud of yourself in any capacity for any reason is almost a faux pas, if that makes sense.
I've noticed how it's almost expected to perform the air of humility, but is that humility? Is it humility to say, "Oh, I'm sorry for clogging your feed with my awful art" or anything to the effect of self-deprecation?
I think that's why I so often gravitate toward those who make "bad art." There's a sense of freedom that is only achieved with the level of hubris that being unashamed in the number of people who hate your art. I wonder, though, how many people don't hate the art as much as they hate that they can't chastise the artist into humility, into recognizing how "terrible" an artist they "actually" are?
#art#i have clinical enough anxiety to not need people to expect self-deprecation from me when i do anything...#i always find it fascinating and almost freeing to see an artist make their own shit and be PROUD of that work#i unironically need to watch the room because that's the type of energy that i need so desperately#i do genuinely wonder if the largest critics of some of the 'worst' pieces of art do just tend to hate that the artist is openly prideful...#...that it isn't necessarily the art itself that completely enrages them but that they don't have the weapon of shame and humiliation...#...to put the artist 'back in their place' (the bottom)?#maybe i've been overanalyzing people's intention but i do wonder#i'm not saying you aren't allowed to dislike art (i dislike SO much art)...#...what i am saying is not all hatred of art is created equal and not all of it is something that is really as bad as it's portrayed#i need to emphasize that you are allowed to dislike art for whatever reason. there's some art i don't like for pretty petty reasons...#...but i don't think that requires me demanding artists to be ashamed and self-deprecate whenever they dare show their pieces#i think so many people are conditioned into self-hatred that anybody who shows any level of self-respect is off-putting though#like that's something i've really noticed a lot#and i think this is an aspect of the trend towards seeing self-hatred as neutral and even good
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finding media where social anxiety is depicted in a way that is relatable to me will fix me
#looking through lists of movies where characters supposedly have social anxiety#but the ones I've already seen 100% aren't showing social anxiety. at least not the way I have it.#and the ones I haven't seen I read the descriptions of and it's like '?? this doesn't sound like social anxiety...'#good social anxiety movie WHEN#doddie redet#um good night tho 🌃
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talking to new people again is making me realize that (this is gonna sound dramatic) i haven't lived in five years but what i have done is watch a lot of movies and read a bunch of books and believe it or not that actually makes me an interesting conversationalist in some ways (?)
#and like i say: brf slt#they don't know i'm crazy and as long as you're normal about it having seen a lot of movies just makes you come off as someone who's like#interested in culture i guess. which i am. but it's fun#and the books thing too and also knowing a lot about sociology#i have things to say jokes to make so in two months they haven't even realized i haven't lived a life yet🙏#i didn't even do it on purpose the way it happened is in 2019 i was very depressed suicidal etc then i got better but i was focused on#like...idk. basically getting used to being okay with being alive again? then it was 2020 and we didn't have classes in person full time#until september 2021. that's how it was for university students here. i did hang out with people but no one i LOVED or actually became#close with and it's true that i could have tried harder but i didn't because guys i love being by myself😭😭😭#then three years went by and now we're here. it's fine it's just that i don't have a lot of anecdotes that aren't old because LITERALLY#nothing has happened to me. nothing#that's not true i did talk about something semi-recent to my bff on friday it was about my 'friends' who hated on everyone the same way i#did when i was literally 12 and about how anxiety inducing it was because after a while i was like is this how they talk about me when i'm#not around🤨 i actually talked about that then. january or february 2023#this has been in my drafts for a week and i talked about the post i talk about in that last tag last week when i talked about my mutual who#blocked me that's the post she replied to to give me advice😔#also it's funny i said they don't know i'm crazy and a guy asked me what my favorite tv shows were and i don't know why i actually gave him#my full list like it's funny because like i said they think i like like good movies and good television and interesting books and stuff#and i know the shows i told him made him reassess that (which is fine but it's just funny) and also i told him i'm watching gilmore girls#for the 18th time and he was like you're joking i was like hm...and then he was like no you're being serious because it's way too#precise...and THAT i could have not told him. i was like whyyy did i tell him that...but it's fine#HE HADN'T EVEN HEARD OF SUCCESSION? 34-year-olds...#i mentioned the sopranos a couple weeks ago and my future bff was like what is that and i was like ? then i asked two more people and they#didn't know the show either so i was like i'll ask him (34-year-old) i know he'll know the sopranos and he was like OBVIOUSLY i know#the sopranos it's supposed to be one of the best shows of all time and later i asked if he had seen succession and he'd never even heard of#it? crazy. i mean if it had been anyone else i wouldn't have thought it was crazy but i expected HIM to know succession
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love working on my phd proposal for like 10 hours while in extreme emotional distress
#just for haha funsies ig#unironically the most motivated i have been to work on it#i have already had too many other crises this year#can't take a break now#the anxiety bug in my brain like “if you don't keep working on this even though life is taking a deep dive for the worse you are a failure!#love that 4 me#anyway#i might need to call in an emergency meeting with my therapist we aren't doing good lads#cas talks
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getting mental healthcare is really cool, its like asking someone to take a sledgehammer to your self-interest and then saying thank you after because it makes your life moderately easier even though you have to deal with this shit now
#red rambles#my psychiatrist wants to put me on anxiety medication to help me sleep because she thinks the issue with me sleeping and stuff is ptsd rela#related and I CANT REALLY ARGUE??? i dont think it is and as far as im concerned i dont feel anxiety at all but like I CANT REALLY ARGUE. i#keep thinking about it because to be completely honest this pisses me off more than i can express in words and ive been gnashing my teeth#about it all afternoon and like i dont think 'i have to play loud and abrasive music at night or else i jerk awake at every sound and can't#convince myself it was nothing and also have auditory hallucina#oh fuck. lmfao i forgot to mention that.#she was even talking about how auditory hallucinations are a lot more significant and i do just kind of have low grade auditory hallucinati#all the fucking time i just dont pay attention to them because i play music and ignore it. hashtag mentally healthy and sound#like im fine the last time i heard a coherent Voice telling me to coherent Do Things i was like 17 lmfao#but i sure do hear footsteps that aren't and breaking glass that isnt and indistinct human voice murmuring sounds that arent all the time#........ fucking i dont feel like emailing her to be like hi i forgot to mention this because i am so good at tuning it all out.#if its that big a deal it'll start mattering for realsies and if its not ill just let it lie until next appointment#ANYWAY THAT DOES KIND OF SOUND LIKE THE BEHAVIORS OF AN ANXIOUS PERSON. A LITTLE.#the jerking awake if there are noises and making up noises to jerk awake to bit. specifically#but also like it doesnt scare me it just makes me wake up and then i am awake and going 'what??? bhuh???' and then im mad im awake but#im not scared very often. it takes a lot. ignore that the last time i got significantly capital s scared was like two weeks ago i thought m#friend's house was on fire and they were about to go to sleep and die. thats a reasonable situation to be freaked out in#ANYWAY THIS PISSES ME OFF REALLY BAD. I DONT LIEK IT.
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i'm tired today due to lack of sleep, and also bc i'm always tired, but half way through my work day i realized it's also bc i forgot my adhd meds this morning. took my mid day dose and now i'm normal tired. i need shit like this to help me remember that yeah, it's understandable why i get so little done when i don't work* and also makes me wonder how the fuck i used to get anything done at all ever back before i got my ad(h)d diagnosis
*only take them when i work or have planned to Get Shit Done
#i'm love my itty bitty pillies lol#fr though i'm actually super glad i do have add bc w/o that diagnosis it would've been near impossible to get me any meds that makes me#well. less tired#since no one has figured out why i suffer such s bad case of sleepy bitch disease#and like most adhd meds don't affect the energy if you have the capital H adhd (i mean the do but not like That)#but i specifically need the types i have for boosted energy lmao#they also are amazing for my concentration+makes it possible to both start and stop things#adhd meds aren't for everyone+there are lots of types but i'm surprised i found a working type so quickly and that. well. works#i'm used to ''good enough''#or in the case of anti anxiety meds: noPE
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