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anika-ann · 4 years

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Let’s Do Something Different Tonight (Or Not)

Type: One-shot, Reader Insert Word count: 1840

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Reader

Characters: Matt Murdock, Reader, few others mentioned

Summary: It’s been two years since the day you married Matt and tonight, you’re going out to celebrate, like normal couples do. --Yeah, about that...

Warnings: blood and injury, mention of alcohol, attempt at humour (bordering on crack-ish)

A/N: A post Valentine’s day fic for everyone who has deals with loveable idiots. It’s hard to with them sometimes. Often, it’s even harder without them. Enjoy!

Matt was almost on time. You had your reservation for eight and it was five after eight when he finally showed up at his – and for a while now, also yours – apartment, so you would be able to make it to the restaurant only a little late.

Key word? ‘Would’. That would be if he hadn’t used the rooftop access instead of the front door and hadn’t been clutching his side when he stumbled in with his hair being a perfect mess with a smear of blood in it.

You stood in the middle of the living room, staring at him as he walked down the stairs with an apologizing expression.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” he said out, hissing as he stepped down the last stair with not so much grace. You just kept staring, this time incredulously. “I got mugged,” he explained, his lips turning into a reversed U. Also, blood was now soaking though his suit under his fingers.

You shook your head to snap yourself from your trance, reaching for the hem of your dress only to pull it over your head. When you tossed them over one of the armchairs and turned to Matt to give him the attention he deserved and needed, he looked utterly taken aback.

“What are you doing?” he asked, perfectly baffled.

“I’m not playing doctor with you in this dress. It’s new. I don’t want blood on it.”

It was expensive. You had chosen it carefully – just like the rest of your new clothes ever since you had gotten together with Matt –, paying extra attention to the material, anxious about the fabric feeling good under Matt’s fingers. Shopping had kinda become a nightmare since you had to pick clothes which not only looked good, but mainly felt good; however, with the way Matt appreciated it, it was totally worth it.

“The material sounded really soft. You looked beautiful in it.”

You scratched your forehead, abashed, as you walked to the bathroom to get the first aid kit, returning to Matt who seated himself on the couch, stripping his jacket to reveal a huge bloodstain on his shirt.

“Jesus, Matt.”

The man in question honest to god pouted. “You’ll wear that dress again, right?”

“Of course I will,” you reassured him tiredly as he took off the shirt as well. “That was the whole point of stripping it – keep it clean of bloodstains so I can wear it again…. for our like, thirtieth anniversary when you won’t be coming home bleeding anymore.”

“I had to let them cut me. I didn’t even call the police to make it home faster. I was trying-“

“I’m sorry, you what?” you asked incredulously, unable to believe what you were hearing.

“I was trying?” he repeated hesitantly, well-aware that it wasn’t the part that caught your… ear, so to speak.

“No, no, did you just say you let them cut you, didn’t call the police, so you could be home faster? Are you insane?”

“I didn’t want you to wait. We rarely get out for a dinner or something else. I didn’t want to disappoint you. Though I did come after the guys to chase down my wallet because that would mean a whole new set of time-demanding problems. But don’t worry, I crashed the lights before I went down on them,” he added hastily as if it would made the whole situation better.

You wordlessly let the gloves smack against your skin louder than necessary. Matt winced.

“Matt Murdock, I love you, I love what you’re willing to do for me and the world, but I swear to God, sometimes you’re just being utterly, utterly stupid. Priorities, Matt. Now show me.”

It turned out that Matt hadn’t let them cut him once, but twice. And by ‘cut’ he meant what could almost be called a stab wound. You silently worked your way through it, reminding yourself to buy Claire another fruit basket. A year supply of chocolate. Spa weekend, maybe. She had not only taught you the basics of the first aid to reckless loveable idiots, but also had shared her tips and tricks that she had discovered during the years of working on ER, making your life easier.

Matt was wisely silent while you were stitched him up – whether it was because he was controlling himself not to let out a single sound of distress or because he didn’t want to piss you off by saying something to make you snap, you didn’t know.

“Do you really think I prefer you getting home earlier so we wouldn’t miss our reservation coming with the price of you being injured to actually showing up healthy?” you asked as you finished your work of art.

His pout grew bigger, providing you the answer.

“Christ, Matt.”

“Well, I couldn’t exactly fight them off, at least not completely. Identity and stuff,” Matt defended his actions. You couldn’t shake off the feeling of something being a little strange about him. Like… stranger than usual. The way he talked…

“Well, you still didn’t need to get cut or— or at least you could have deflect it partly, this is awfully deep. Was. All done now.” Truth to your words, you stripped the gloves, rolling them up and placing them on the coffee table. You looked at his face, running your hand through his sweaty hair. He leaned into it slightly, like always. “Oh Matt… what do I do with a man like you?”

“Kiss the pain better?” he offered shyly, the corners of his lips twitching. You rolled your eyes at this ridiculous man.

“Ha! You’re hilarious!” His expression changed, transferring into- “Oh crap, not the puppy eyes. Come on, Matt, don’t-”

You sighed, leaning in, kissing him lightly on the lips. You were never able to resist the huge imploring eyes of his.

“I hate you,” you murmured as you withdrew – or wanted to, his lips following yours instead, sinking into them, caressing gently, testing your will when nibbling on your lower lip.

Oh, he always knew what to do to keep your fingers tingling, to have your heart fluttering – the feeling might have faded a little with the years, but it was still here. You opened your mouth for him, a clear invitation for his tongue. He didn’t hesitate.

“And I love you,” he breathed into your mouth, his hand rising.

“Don’t touch the bra-“ you warned him, curling your fingers around his wrist to stop him. You withdrew so it didn’t temp him. The bra wasn’t nearly as expensive as the dress, but it wasn’t cheap either.

“But it’s laced and they always feel so, so nice-“ he whimpered and you blinked. Okay, that was new. Seriously, where had his brain (possibly lower brain)-mouth filter left to?

“Maybe, but it’s also skin-toned. Not blood-toned. You smear it with blood and I’m not wearing it again.”

“But you said we were playing doctor,” he noted, looking honestly confused. You had really said that? And what the hell was it with him…?

You gaped at him when the realization finally hit you.

“Oh my god. Are you drunk?”

Matt was silent for a short moment; the kind of an answer that spoke volumes. Matt Murdock was drunk.

“…the client insisted on two glasses of scotch…,” Matt admitted with hesitation and you sensed some sort of a ‘but’ coming. “And then said the third time was a charm.”

Three glasses of scotch?!

“So you’re not only late for our anniversary dinner, you’ve not only gotten yourself half-stabbed, but you’re also drunk. Wow. I want a divorce,” you stated resolutely, only joking of course. Still, you couldn’t believe him. It should have been your night out. Together as a couple. To celebrate the two years you had been together as husband and wife. And he… wow. You probably should be mad, anyone else would be, but… you were kinda used to dealing with Matt’s bullshit (to be fair, Matt also had to deal with yours) and it was usually more scary and life-threatening. This was actually kinda funny. The drunk part anyway. “You think Foggy will charge me a fortune if I hire him?”

Matt frowned. “You don’t mean that. And if you did, do you honestly think he would represent you?”

You raised your eyebrow, waiting for him to realize what he had just said. Of course Foggy would represent you. You were plotting against Matt together oh so often… he would take your side. Matt probably came to same conclusion, because he grimaced.

“Yeah, he probably would. Well, would want to and then Marci would bully him so she could take your side instead of him.”

“I barely know Marci,” you noted, confused.

“Yeah, but she’s up to a challenge and she always claimed me and Foggy will get married one day and was actually jealous of me. She would take any opportunity to take our duo down in one strike.”

“I thought Foggy was friends with her.”

“They are somewhere between friends and frenemies. I guess that happens when you end the whole friends with benefits thing.”

Huh. Marci was still bitter about that? Who would think Mrs. No Strings Attached had feelings? To be fair, Foggy was insanely likeable, so you could really blame her-

…why were you thinking about Marci?

“After all this time… you still manage to distract me perfectly,” you complained, actually ashamed. Damn you, Murdock. And Murdock.

Matt tilted his head slightly, challenging. “I know a whole lot more ways of distracting you. If I wash my hands, can I touch the bra? I mean, we’re already too late for the dinner, aren’t we?”

You watched him incredulously for a minute; his messy hair which was the result of him rushing home, his absolutely not kissable lips inconspicuously pursed, his hopeful eyes with a spark of mischievousness somehow seeing you even after losing sight. Your gaze flickered to the fine suit he had prepared for the dinner. It was too late to go to the restaurant, wasn’t it?

When you looked back at him, you could tell he knew he had won, because a tiny smile appeared on his face, a careful elevation of the corners of his lips.

You sighed. You were so weak. “Go wash your bloody hands, you overgrown child. We’re going to bed.”

“Love you,” he chipped happily and kissed your cheek, rushing to the bathroom. You rolled your eyes at him fondly.

“I’m on top, you’re injured!” you shouted after him, closing the box with medical supplies and walking to the fridge to get Matt a glass of juice. He needed liquids and sugar dammit.

“Whatever you say, honey!”

You blinked, taken aback. ‘Honey?’ Matt had never called you that – mostly he stuck to your name or a nickname, occasionally calling you ‘love’ if he was being particularly tender. Endearments weren’t his thing.

Oh boy, he really was so royally drunk, wasn’t he?

You smiled for yourself at the idea. This should be fun.

◦○◦○◦○◦○◦○◦○◦○◦○◦○◦○◦○◦○◦○◦○◦

Thank you for reading!

If you enjoy Matt fics, I’ll be posting a few more RI, but mostly I’ve written for Matt x OFC.

If interested, check out my M.M. masterlist ;)

#marvel #mcu #marvel fanfiction #matt murdock #matt murdock x reader #daredevil #daredevil x reader #matt murdock imagine #daredevil imagine #matt murdock fanfic #daredevil fanfic #daredevil fanfiction #reader insert #imagine #marvel imagine

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razorblade180 · 4 years

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interdimensional Dads 3

Jaune:Alright, you’re up Blue. Tell all about a world where we manage to get our Beacon crush. That’s how I know you aren’t lying when you say there’s magic in your Remnant again.

Jaune:Magic had nothing to do with it! It’s called time and life. Also I told her I was going to cut my hair and she felt appalled so I didn’t. She told me how much she loves it a little shaggy.

...

Jaune:What?

Jaune:(Did cutting my hair really change my life that much?) It’s nothing, continue.

Jaune:Okay? Well, where to start? I guess the magic is as good of a place as any. Not much on the surface has changed. The climate seems to be a bit more intense though. The gods are back as well, but no one knows exactly where.

Jaune:It’s not on any map?

Jaune:No, apparently it’s constantly changing. Those who get close to finding it usually get turned around by something. Even Oscar doesn’t know.

Jaune:Oscar is still himself? Oz didn’t take over?

Jaune:Why would be? We saved the world and he got to move on. Oscar does however still have all the memories and experience. Not to mention the one hell of a fighter. Though these days he prefers using all that knowledge for counciling.

Jaune:Good for him.

Jaune:He’s a therapist? Huh, yeah he’s definitely been through hell and back in all of our lives. I never really stop to think how crazy it all was.

Jaune:He’s also married to Penny.

Jaune:Penny is back!?

Jaune:Your world is kicking my world’s ass.

Jaune:It’s pretty wild for sure. Yet it feels vaguely normal. Most of my time is spent still doing huntsman work. I take bodyguard missions mostly these days since they normally aren’t as dangerous. Saving towns from grimm is something I have to leave to the others like Ruby. Weiss gets a little anxious otherwise; even more than the kids do these days.

Jaune:Now for the good part, gushing about your kids.

Jaune:*smiling* Nicholas and Summer Schnee, my little Twin Snowflakes. Both sixteen and quite the handful.

Jaune:You know of any of us needed to have twins, I’m glad it’s the one who married into wealth.

Jaune:Well you’re sorta right. However, Weiss was cut off for years until her father wrote her back into the family on his deathbed. So she’s become financially savvy from having to live in Argus for years. That includes the kids when they were little and even a pet dog. I’d like to think we’ve both grown up through the years but she’s definitely changed more than me.

Jaune:I think that might be true for all of us.

Jaune:Hehe, I got a feeling you’re right.

Jaune:Yeah my Weiss has gone through some shit and took it strides as well.

Jaune:Anyways, being rich is nice but we did pretty fine before it. Yeah we had to work constantly but it’s not like there wasn’t anybody we couldn’t ask for help. I say by far the craziest thing about my world is team RWBY is now a connected on the family tree and then some.

Jaune:Wait...that would mean- who married a Schnee besides you! Qrow married Winter and that’s it right!? Right!?

Jaune:*smiling* Is someone a little jealous of thinking about a world where Ruby married Whitley?

Jaune:...A little.

Jaune:I guess I can spare you those details then. Just know they’ve done some real good for Remnant.

Jaune:That, I didn’t doubt for a second. It’s just a little weird hearing she isn’t with me.

Jaune:You named your kids after Weiss’s grandfather and Ruby’s mom?

Jaune:Nick is the future heir and Summer got her name because....sigh

....

Jaune:It was the right thing to do.

The other’s didn’t probe that avenue any further. Without saying anything, they already knew.

Jaune:Ruby must really appreciate that.

Jaune:Yeah. She might not realize it but she shows a little bias to Summer because of it. Not that Nick particularly cares. I think he might enjoy not being on someone’s radar for once.

Jaune:Let me guess, Mr. Popular?

Jaune:President at combat school, runner up in regionals, gold in figure skating, future heir, master of promoting various events and hosting parties. Kid has it made, and yet...

Jaune:He doesn’t seem to be having fun? I think we might’ve found a similar thread between our kids.

Jaune:Makes sense. Nick has the same problem I still have sometimes.

Jaune:Overthinking?

Jaune:Taking the blow for others?

Jaune:Burdening himself for no reason.

Jaune:Yes....

Jaune:Oh...

Jaune:He’s the kind of kid who finds a way to finish work quickly so he can finish other work faster; in a never ending loop. All for the sake of making others lives easier. This also causes him to tunnel vision sometimes and not really ask what that person wanted in the first place. That, or he puts himself in a position where he doesn’t get to enjoy being a teenager. It’s partly the reason why Weiss and I don’t give him too much slack whenever he does something for the fun of it.

Jaune.Even in a time of peace, someone like him is taking a lot of responsibilities. Not sure if that’s an Arc thing or a Schnee thing.

Jaune:Trust me, it’s both. He seems to be handling it well though. Weiss really gets on him about taking time to just be himself. Honestly it feels like there’s a couple times he’s even trying to put on a face for us instead of cameras. Fortunately people like Valerie and Veronica seem to cut through that act.

Jaune:Oooh, lady friends?

Jaune:Valerie is Ren and Nora’s kid. He has a giant crush on her but I sort of think he tries too hard and should consider looking elsewhere.

Jaune:That’s ironic coming from you.

Jaune:That’s how you know it’s bad. Me, the guy who wrote a terrible song just to get a date to the dance. To be fair he’s not that bad but I feel like he’ll end crushing his confidence. I mean Veronica would be nice. Blake and Yang’s daughter has a thing for him that’s just as obvious for his crush on Val.

Jaune:(Huh, that’s two sets of different kids from the same parents now. I guess some relationships are harder to change than others.) Nick sounds like a fine young man. I bet things will workout. He seems bright.

Jaune:Yeah, I just hope nothing blows up in his face. As for Summer, she’s practically the spitting image of her mother except with my eyes and light blonde hair. She’s pretty timid and a really kind girl. Smart as a whip too! Definitely got that from her mom; as well as her singing.

Jaune:She performs?

Jaune:Yeah, Atlas loves her music. She has good range, learned guitar from yours truly, tops the charts sometimes in other kingdoms, and genuinely seems to enjoy the life of a singer.

Jaune:But she’s timid?

Jaune:Yeah. Off the stage, she tries to get by life like a background character, but still wants to hang around Nick who’s always in a spotlight! When she was younger she got into a incident with dust that severely injured her. Thankfully she lived but now Summer has several scars over her body that she can’t stand. Also...that wasn’t all she got. Scars are least of her problems. The dust mixed with her cells in unexpected ways.

Jaune:Over exposer, did she get some sort of chronic illness or deficiency?

Jaune:Honestly, we don’t know what to call it. Whenever she gets too cold, Summer changes. Her hair goes white, eyes look like mother, and her personality does a 180. More than that actually. It’s more like she’s been possessed and what’s nothing more to rule everything. We call it Shiva. We have it under control mostly after ten years of dealing with it but there’s still scares now and then. Whatever Shiva is, she’s strong and capable of terrible things. Thankfully no casualties yet, but plenty of close calls and extra scars for almost everyone involved. The mental strain it puts on Summer almost seems crippling. I...don’t really know what to do about it at this point. She’s been distant, and I feel like she isn’t telling me something.

Jaune:....

Jaune:Well...you haven’t lost anything yet right?

Jaune:Huh?

Jaune:Don’t look so bummed. Ten years and nothing too tragic to show for it. Maybe it’s luck, or everyone is way stronger than this problem after all. Including your daughter. Trust me, daughters are way stronger than what father’s give them credit for.

Jaune:Ha, you know he might be on to something with that. You heard my story. Yujin was keeping things together for a long time. That being said, they’re still our little angels and can only go so far. Eventually they’re gonna wish to see someone like their dear old dad to to lean on. That’s our job after all.

Jaune:Yep. You’ll figure it. Like you said, you’re not alone.

Jaune:I might have a daughter but I know a thing or two about distant kids. Take it a step at a time, and let them know you’re always there.

Jaune:...*smiles* Thanks guys.

Jaune:No problem!

Jaune:I wonder what’s up with those two right now? Probably training for their tournament no doubt.

xxxx

Training is putting it lightly. The cold Argus air is filled with smoke as a fire burns in the forest. Nick kneels with his sword stabbed int ground. His body trembles from exhaustion and sweat runs down his face while his hands still grip the blade handle til his palms bleed. Surrounding him is Apathy as pale as ghost with ghastly blue eyes that make them look like they’re right out of horror movie.

Though he’s tired, he manages to lift his head up and see his sister on her hands and knees, not as roughed up as him but more drained from the grimm. Summer looked at her brother with eyes that constantly flickered between shades of blue before turning the shade of their father’s. Summer fell forward, all motivation to move taken away.

Nick:You okay...?

Summer:Y-Yeah...thanks. Sorry.

Nick:Next time....we’ll bring Ruby just in case.

He found the strength to walk towards his sister and carried her on his back. The summoned Apathy keeping a certain range around them like a dome as he walked. Summer found whatever strength she had to raise her right hand up and snapped her fingers. A cool wind came off her finger tips and snuffed out flames before it got out of hand.

Summer:Can’t have this place burning down right?

Nick:You’re gonna get cold again.

Summer:She’s tired...and I’m spent. Even if she comes out, my body can’t move so...zzzzz

Nick:Sigh, saw that coming.

Nicholas walked as fast as his body let him. Abandoning both of their swords in favor or retrieving them later. They’d gotten lucky, the sun was out and he had handled the situation before Shiva could find her stride. Warm clothing also did its part.

He felt Summer shift around on his back and started moving faster. He hated this part.

Nick:I don’t wanna talk to you.

Shiva:That’s no way to treat family.

Nick:But an icicle to the leg is?

Shiva:How else was I supposed to slow you down? You’ve gotten stronger, dodging it the way you did. How unpleasant for me. I’ll aim higher next time, I’ll make sure not to rough up that money maker of yours though.

Nick:Next time I’ll throw you in the fire so you’ll be too tired to talk. Your days are numbered. It must be a pain dealing with me and trying to keep control. Sooner or later you won’t be able to do anything but lose until Summer snuffs you out. Then you’ll be nothing more than a bad dream.

Shiva:....Hmmm aha!

Shiva:I’ve decided then. I guess I’ll just have to kill you first before that happens.

A chill went down his spine as he could feel her ice cold breath hit his ear as she whispersed...

Shiva:Let’s see if I’ll be a bad dream them.

Nick looked over his shoulder and saw nothing but his sister’s sleeping face. Not a sign of anyone or anything else; just peaceful slumber. The boy continued walking in silence. He was still sweating, still trembling, but no longer from the cold. Exhaustion crumbled to adrenaline. He started going back to the sight of their training to grab his sword. After all, who knows what could happen on the way back?

Part 2

Start reading Twin Snoflakes?< Part subzero

#rwby #rwby au #the void #jaune arc #rwby twin snowflakes #summer schnee #nicholas schnee #rwby knightshade #rwby whiteknight #rwby lancaster #rwby dragonslayer

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pink-gemss · 5 years

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Can I request Spinel getting help to ask her crush on a date and being nervous the whole night but her crush finds it cute and gives her a kiss on the cheek to reassure her she having a good time.

THIS WAS SO CUTE!!!! cries it was partly inspired by this post by @spiral-spinel that made me laugh hysterically so u know I had to do it. (I hope that’s okay!!) it got pretty long I'm sorry oop. I hope you like it!!

you had met Spinel through Steven not long after she first came to Earth. she was incredibly shy and withdrawn and least to say that at first it was kind of really hard to get to know her. she would cling to Steven like he was the only person who was going to show her kindness, sadly

however, with some time and after a few visits alone without her Diamond moms, she began to relax around the Crystal Gems and their human friends

something about her drew you to her, maybe it was the fact that you could really hardcore relate to her, or maybe it was simply because it was in your nature to want to help someone who was hurting, you had no idea. you just knew you wanted to befriend her. nobody should be lonely like that

after just a few hours into your second or third time hanging out with her (at a bbq on the beach!!) she really started to unwind and relax! hanging out with humans, especially you, wasn't as weird as she thought it was going to be omg

after she went home that night, she had no idea what she was in for in the days afterward. you were the only thing she could think about and it worried her

she started getting these thoughts telling her to go back to you for some reason she didn't know but.....she wanna go back to you right now

SHE SUPER SCARED THOUGH so she’ll burst out of the warp pad at Steven’s house instead, more than likely in the middle of the night. gems don't have to sleep nor do they have a real ‘nighttime’ on Homeworld, so she completely forgets that she has to mind the time whenever she visits

not this time though. this time is panic.

Spinel climbs up to Steven’s room and she wakes him up anxiously, apologizing profusely when she realizes its probably absolutely annoying to him, but he just wants her to tell him if something is wrong because why is she panicking so hard oml-

“I STARTED GETTING THESE FEELINGS THAT MAKE MY CHEST FEEL HOT AND MY STOMACH DOES FLIPS AND- AND- I DONT- WH-”

“you really came in here at three in the morning to tell me you have a crush on [Name].”

“A WHAT”

(little did she know that you had started to develop feelings for her as well)

and so enter Steven and Garnet who try to start helping her process her thoughts and feelings because my god she has clearly never dealt with something like this before

the next few times she sees you her face flushes immediately and when she tries to form sentences they come out in a jumbled mess. she rubs her arm a lot, she’ll look away most of the time when you make eye-contact, and after a little while it starts to make you wonder if you said or did something to make her uncomfortable

you voice your feelings about it to Steven while you’re hanging out alone one day and he finally decides that Spinel has to come out and just tell you already!!!!

when he does however, absolute panic. Spinel explodes with questions, worrying about what you may or may not say. but Steven finally asks her, “but what if she says yes?” and she goes silent. a new wave of understanding hits her like a brick and she nods hesitantly but with a smile.

later that night, she shakily asks you if you’d like to walk along the boardwalk and maybe the beach afterwards. you're just jittering with happiness and you can't say “yes” fast enough

when you arrive at the boardwalk, you reach for her hand and interlace your fingers with hers. her face lights up in a hot shade of pink and she gives you a sheepish grin

while Spinel is normally full of overwhelming energy and confidence, underneath it all she actually struggles with hoping people will like her enough to stay. that’s in the back of her head quite a bit, but it probably won't be a firm topic of conversation until a little bit longer into your relationship with her

but for now, just giving her the occasional smooch on the cheek, nose, or her forehead is enough to get her limbs to turn into limp noodles and she blushes up a storm

do it enough times in one day and she’ll straight up start to purr and squash herself against you as close as she can

she just loves loves loves you so much already, she can’t get enough of your smile or your laugh or the way you brighten up when you're talking about something you're passionate about. she’ll gush about you for days

#spinel x reader #spinel x fem reader #spinel imagine #spinel imagines #su headcanons #su #steven universe #steven universe movie

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secretobsessionstuff · 5 years

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I know u probably want Mateo an Shawn stuff but I miss Dakota an i want him to get some love so could u write Dakota and Blair watching a movie eating snacks on the couch, halfway through Dakota falls asleep with his head rested on Blair’s She just lets him sleep but after a few minutes he starts kind if hiccuping in his sleep but Blair thinks its just that, hiccups, itll go away right? Nope an ominous gurgle deep in his belly emits right before the next hiccup sends puke all down Blair’s hair.

I’d love requests for literally any of my ocs so no worries! Thank you!

Blair had been chosen by the gods of sleep. She had been given a task – a task only she could complete. It was of dire importance that she answers her calling, for no one else could accomplish what the heavens asked of her. It was imperative that she not move a muscle because Dakota had chosen her shoulder to nap on.

She felt honoured that he chose her for such a mission…she also felt a little sore because he was putting all his weight onto her shoulder. They were already halfway through the movie and Dakota had fallen asleep a few minutes after the opening credits. He was starting to get heavy and she really wanted to stretch her arm.

Regardless, she remained in her position, careful not to wake her boyfriend because he looked so cute. His hair hung in front of his face, so she moved a few strands behind his ear. Her blond hair was also down and draped across her chest. She liked looking at the contrast between her platinum locks and his dark chocolate ones. They swirled together like a Hershey hug, all warm and soft as they sat under the blankets.

It was late, and normally Blair would be passed out next to Dakota, with both of them keeping the other from falling, but she was on a sugar high. Wrappers from Christmas chocolates and empty cups of peppermint hot chocolate littered the coffee table. Even as she sat watching the sappy holiday movie, she was sucking on a candy cane. Blair wasn’t sure how Dakota had fallen asleep, given that he ate more sweets than her, but there he was, snoring like a train headed for the north pole. Perhaps his high had come and gone, and he was knee-deep in the inevitable crash that followed.

She sighed happily, mindlessly tracing patterns onto Dakota’s legs. Soon, her eyelids too began to shut. She rested her head against Dakota’s and allowed her consciousness to drift away. Just as the sound of the movie started turning to gibberish, she was quickly brought back to reality by a jolt. Her whole body jumped as Dakota hiccuped in his sleep. He was so nestled into her that when the spasm seized his chest, she came along for the ride.

Blair huffed and twisted her neck to look down Dakota. Surprisingly he was still asleep. His face was scrunched up into a tight ball that didn’t look too peaceful. His breathing had gotten shallow. Each laboured exhale blew a strand of hair away from his nose which barely had time to fall back down before a puff of air blew it back.

She continued to watch him sleep, as if he were a puppy chasing cars in his dreams. Just after Blair kissed his temple, his breath hitched in his chest as another hiccup disrupted his sleep. Dakota remained in his restless state but started to fidget. He wore a pained expression, momentarily making Blair wonder whether she should wake him. She decided against it because he really did look tired.

After a few moments of nothing eventful happened, Blair returned her attention to the tv. It didn’t last long though because Dakota hiccuped again, which was followed by a deep gurgle emanating from his belly. He whined in his sleep and grimaced.

Blair mirrored his expression, only because his stomach sounded rather upset. Dakota looked sweaty and uncomfortable, so Blair threw aside the blankets covering their bodies. She lifted up his shirt to rub his stomach and found his abdomen to be bloated and taut.

Blair sucked air through her teeth at the poor sight of her boyfriend suffering while he slept. She started to rub soothing circles across his warm belly. Beneath her palm, she could feel his stomach slosh around as it continued to gurgle and churn. She hoped that his stomach, as well as his hiccups, would settle down soon enough.

Once a couple of minutes had passed without any distressing sounds coming from Dakota, Blair started to relax. Everything was fine now. Nonetheless, she kept tracing light circles with her fingertips into Dakota’s tight skin.

In his sleep, Dakota shifted a bit, but kept his head resting on Blair’s shoulder. He nuzzled closer into her neck, and made a strange sound deep in his throat. It sounded like a mix between a burp and a groan. Blair was about to knead her fingers into his belly more aggressively, but a loud gurgle made her hesitate. She lifted her hand in apprehension. His belly churned and she heard food being sloshed around in his stomach.

Dakota moaned in his sleep just before a final hiccup shook his chest. This spasm got caught in his throat, and came out sounding like a wet burp. Blair frowned but didn’t think to move. Suddenly, Dakota burped, which sent up a gush of partly digested candy from his sick belly. He choked up the sticky sick, watching as it all went cascading down Blair’s shoulder. Her snow-white hair was quickly given a sick candy-coating as Dakota heaved up another mouthful of vomit.

Blair yelped and tried to break free from being pinned by her boyfriend. She moved aside, careful not swing her head too widely or else her hair would hit her face. She didn’t dare look down at the mess covering her left-side, but she could still smell it.

Blair breathed through her mouth while catching Dakota who was falling over. He was still emerging from his sleep, and he looked incredibly disoriented. With her hands holding both of his shoulders, Blair kept Dakota from face planting in the couch.

She helped him stay upright while a sludge of vomit fell passed his lips. “I’ve got you, Kota. Try to breathe.”

Dakota retched and spat sickly tendrils of saliva. He clutched his chest while his poor stomach purged itself of everything he had eaten that night. In between waves, he spoke with a thick voice as if his throat was glued with bile. “…Hurts hic…Ugh.”

Tears of exertion leaked from Dakota eyes, and Blair could do nothing but hold his hair away from his mouth. “I know, babe. Just get it all up.”

A deep belch rumbled up Dakota’s chest, sending up a massive wave of puke that splattered on the couch. “Oh God…” He spat away chunks of food while gagging emptily.

Dakota heaved up thick ropes of bile and saliva before finally getting a chance to catch his breath. He was breathing heavily and hugging his aching belly while Blair wiped the sweat off his forehead with her sleeve.

He exhaled deeply while shaking his head. “I’m sorry. I don’t know where that came from.”

“Your belly sounded really upset while you slept.” Blair helped him up so that he didn’t get vomit anywhere else. “How are you feeling now?”

“Sore, but empty.” Dakota gladly took Blair’s help and together they walked to the bathroom. He sat on the edge of the tub while Blair fussed about him. He inwardly cussed himself upon seeing the damage done to Blair’s shoulder. “God, look at your hair. I’m so sorry.”

She swatted his hand away. “Nothing a little shower can’t fix.” She kissed Dakota on the head and reached behind him to run the tap. “Now strip for me.”

“Yes, Master.”

As soon as the words left Dakota’s mouth, he could already feel a towel come flying towards him. Blair gave him a pity laugh for even attempting the joke. “Get in the shower, you goof.”

#emeto #emetophilia #sickfic #my ocs #vomiting #puking #burping #burp #hiccup #Dakota #Blair

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madzilla84 · 4 years

Note

hi i went through your ace tag and it was rlly comforting in a way. can i ask when u knew or how to deal (if its not to invasive!) thx

Hi anon! I’m glad you liked the posts - I know I can be pretty iffy at tagging so I’ll make sure to keep everything there if I can :)

It’s not invasive at all! The answer’s very long though, lol, because it’s me, so I put it under the read more.

I talked a bit about this in my post last year with the clumsy metaphor for my II denim jacket as sexuality, so if you read that then I might be repeating myself a bit, apologies.

The very short answer is that on some level I’ve always known, and I handled it Extremely Badly lmao. Don’t do what I did. Which was mostly nothing. XD

The longer, proper answer - I knew I was in some way Different when I found myself completely bewildered by the crushes my friends developed when we became tweens/teenagers. Like a lot of queer people, I selected my Pretend Crush and dutifully put up his poster in my locker (Noah Wyle from ER; I thought he had pretty eyes). I thought everyone else was just doing it to be cool, as well, in the same sort of way everyone pretended to love [insert name of popular band here] to save face at school.

But like, we got older, and people started making out and hooking up with Real Boys at parties, and still - I felt nothing. You’re a late bloomer, many people told me. I thought maybe I could be gay, if I had no attraction to men - but then I wasn’t attracted to women, either, so couldn’t be that. So what, then, I wondered? You can’t be nothing.

OR CAN YOU??? XD

I got to university-ish age, and around that time I went online and heard the term ‘asexual’ for the first time, and stumbled across AVEN; read the definition and thought, yep, that sounds very familiar. But the problem is, finding something out about yourself doesn’t mean you accept it, or like it, or even really believe it. I wondered then if it was actually a real thing, and not something someone on the internet had made up to make themselves feel better, because there was actually something wrong with them, and thus, with me?

I came home for Christmas during my first (only. lol whoops) year of college and brought up the subject with a small group of acquaintances at a New Years party (I’d had quite a bit to drink), and the reaction was - depressingly predictable.

That’s not a thing.

I can’t imagine that.

That sounds awful.

God, no sex? I’d rather be dead.

Have you even tried it? You need to try it.

That can’t be natural.

Okay, I get it, I thought, not bringing that up again.

And, the thing was, because I wasn’t in a relationship, or dating, or looking to, it was sort of - a non-subject. I had no prying family members asking about my love life. My true friends were unfazed by whatever I did or didn’t do (and still are, they’re good eggs), so it was just - something I never had to think about. In my mind, it was just another thing about me that made me weird and an outsider and that I didn’t belong anywhere or with anyone. (All not true! But that was then.)

And unfortunately it took me about 15 years to start to properly deal with it. Yikes. Such a long time - it’s not even about missed opportunities for dating because I’m still not looking to do that, but more about - accepting that it’s a real part of me and is okay and *good* actually and not just a peculiarity to avoid thinking about at all costs. Acceptance seemed unattainable, let alone the idea of being *proud* of it? Ha! Unthinkable. The best thing to do was just to - pretend it didn’t exist. Why poke that bruise, I thought?

I was always in this weird kind of limbo with the LGBT community - like, I felt on some level like I should be there? But at the same time, I felt like an outsider. (For many of the same reasons people to this day will tell you aces/aros don’t belong. All wrong.) I got really into queer films etc as a teen, I went to gay bars with friends and joined the uni LGBT society … and felt uncomfortable almost all the time. (I know *now* that’s because I was *still* trying to be something I wasn’t and wasn’t being honest with myself or anyone else, on any level. And a lot of the club nights we went to were basically about hooking up, which is fine and all but absolutely Not what I was looking for, and made me feel even more out of place. Why don’t I want to do that? What’s wrong with me?)

But fortunately, the world is quite a different place now, and I don’t think it’s quite so bad now for younger folks because people are talking about it *so* much more; there’s so much more help and support. And I know everyone bitches about social media but it didn’t exist when I was a teenager and there are so many ace/aro people and resources to connect with now!! We’re still made fun of almost constantly *at best* and excluded a ton and erased etc etc, but it *is* getting better. Even for us older folks still figuring it out. :)

I don’t mind admitting that Dan’s video was a huge help. (Albeit a very painful one. Part of why that video was so tough for me to watch, and still is, is that some of it hit a bit too close to home, you know? I didn’t experience the bullying he did, nor the fame, but many things were deeply recognisable.) That sort of tore the scab off (bit gross, sorry), whether I liked it or not, and made me look at it properly for the first time … well, ever, really. The period of time directly after that was - very raw, for me.

The phandom really helped, too; it’s a very accepting and welcoming community and there are actually lots of ace people! Which is awesome! Maybe I *am* a real person! ;)

So many little things helped too. I met a friend for lunch in January and she got me a glass ace flag pendant as a gift; I couldn’t believe it. I’ve felt able to bring it up with a few people outside my closest friends - eg. a couple of colleagues - and was heartened by their responses. I know they didn’t 100% get it, and that’s okay, but they were interested and open to listening and that meant a lot. I went to Pride last year and had a great time, and the first person who spoke to me there asked me where I got my ace pin. :_) (I’d been once before, in 2015, and I hated it; I felt uncomfortable and disingenuous and like I didn’t belong there, and yet I knew deep down I wasn’t technically just there as an ‘ally’.) Even Dan’s little tiny offhand mention in his mermaids stream! I was like, yeah, we do exist!

It’s all sort of had the fringe benefit of feeling happier and better about being open about it, like joining the LGBT network at work and - you know, just taking little steps. (anyone wanting to start with me that aces/aros don’t belong in LGBT spaces can catch my tiny hands) I saw an ace lanyard at Vidcon and thought ‘yay!’ rather than being uncomfortable to wear it, partly because I thought about how happy I would be to see someone else wearing one.

I don’t know what the rest of this ‘journey’s going to look like, I just know that over the last year I’ve gotten mostly to a place where I can say I *like* being ace, because it’s actually just what I am in the same way I have brown hair or am short, and not some weird deviance from Being Normal that I Must! Hide! At All Costs! That might sound simple but it was a hard place to get to. (thanks Mr Fire, I guess)

I hope this ramble made *some* sense and answered your question in some way! Feel free to send any more questions :)

#anon asks #ace tag #mad.txt #long post #this looks really whack on mobile but should still be readable :/#we love a functional website

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princess-cordelias-writingblog · 5 years

Text

So Far Away -Five. (Nolan xReader)

A/N: This is the second time i try to post this things eye-

Anyway, in case you couldn’t tell I messed up the timeline and let’s just pretend Nolan found out about Liam’s ability in a different way okay? k’, you’ll know what I’m talking about when u see it lmaoo also, I won’t follown the plot of the show exactly as it went partly cause I don’t remember well and I don’t have the time to rewatch it all, still I hope you like it tho!

P.S. Also, what do you guys think about doing blurb nights? or drabbles? I just want to interact with you more ^-^ they’d be about all the fandoms I have on my bio obvsly, not only teen wolf lol let me know what you think! :D -Danny

Words: 1,745

Warnings: bad writing my dudes. Also a bit of blood.

Pt.4

missing you is a slow burn Every time the earth turns I'm reminded that night is only half the time

The next week went by slowly, from one class to another Y/N was forced to stand there and have nothing but a glance from Nolan every time he walked past. He wasn’t his old self anymore, dry and rough he was nothing but a shadow that followed those boys around.

One day she decided to pay him a visit, he said they weren’t dating anymore but he never mentioned anything about not being friends and the girl was holding onto that little gap, hoping it wasn’t a bad moment Y/N knocked on his door but no one answered. She knocked a few more times still with no reply. Disappointed she turned around and walked towards the street when a noise on the second floor caught her attention.

Nolan was there, looking directly to Y/N. He wasn’t exactly intimidating, but what scared her was that she couldn’t read his expression.

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” He asked without moving.

“I-I just wanted to talk,” She rubbed her hands to get away from the cold, it was almost night time and she’d brought nothing but a thin blouse and a pair of jeans, naively trusting he’d let her in, “Can I come in?”

“I’m... I have homework,” He replied, and just then Y/N saw something close to worry.

“Me too,” She smiled shyly, “maybe we can finish all faster together?”

“I don’t think is a good idea Y/N, I don’t wanna get distracted but... t-thanks, see you,” Without waiting for a reply, Nolan stepped back and closed his window, Y/N didn’t even get the chance to wish him a good night.

Walking back to her car it felt like a bizarre walk of shame, and Y/N wasn’t exactly the type to give up to things she cared about just like that; in her mind a plan was already forming, she had nothing to lose at that point, and her friends could say she was overreacting and that she should let him go and move on. If it had been any other guy, maybe she’d have agreed with them, but this was Nolan, the same boy she convinced to join the lacrosse team. The same team that helped him beat up innocent kids like Liam and she had to do something about it.

She drove through the streets still distracted by her own thoughts, the town was quiet that night and it was lacking the usual traffic, not that she minded, all she wanted after her disappointing evening was a warm shower and her bed. Maybe snacks. And binge-watch romantic movies so she could finally sink in the miserable feeling around her chest.Y/N drove in silence until Muse ave came into view, a few cars were parked in the middle in the street and people stood around curiously. Assuming it was a car accident, Y/N slowed down, from her side she was the only car, so she could see the scene in front of her. What she saw would change her life forever.

Two bodies covered in blood were laying on the ground, standing in front of them, there was a person. Or at least it looked like one for the most part, it had to legs and two arms, though those arms ended in big, ugly hands with massive claws, and the face was covered in thick hair and his eyes had a golden, savage glow. Not to mention the gigantic fangs coming out of the mouth.

She had to be dreaming. She was totally dreaming, right? There’s no way that was actually happening, there in front of her. A... a big dog-person growling in the middle of the street.

Then the person turned around and he recognized him. Liam.

“Oh my god,” She gasped, her voice muffled by the hand that went up to cover her mouth in shock.

Nolan’s voice came back to her, almost as if he knew what she was looking at right on that moment.

“You have no idea of what he is, what he is capable of!”

She sees it now, in all his scary glory she sees what Liam is and she wants to lock herself in the nuthouse just for thinking about it. Liam’s a werewolf.

The thing is, even now that she sees his true form, for her Liam still looks... like a scared boy. She can see it on his body language, the way he’s ready to attack but not because he wants to, it’s because he’ll do it if he feels like he needs to.

And what about the bodies? They aren’t mangled, their clothes are okay and the blood is coming from their heads, like someone hit them hard.

Like a car just ran them over.

She finds it quickly, the blood all over the front of the car of that man. And he’s fine, he doesn’t look scared, in his eyes, Y/N sees a sickening warmth, like he’s pleased with his actions.

Hidden in the boy’s chest she sees it: the girl’s hand. Although is not a normal hand, it has claws. What did they do to be killed in such a cold manner? They were kids. Couldn’t be older than her and Nolan. And still this man decided to finish them off simply cause they were different.

Granted, it was a terrifying look, a scary kind of different. But she had talked to Liam before, she saw him getting beaten up for the exact reason this man killed his friends and Liam never tried to fight back, for all she knew, they were the real victims.

It was then that even against her better judgement and all that scary movies ever taught her about monsters that she made a decision.

“Liam!” Almost as if things weren’t weird enough, Scott McCall appeared followed by a girl she remembered as Malia from school. She didn’t know from where did they come from but it didn’t matter, apparently, they knew about Liam’s condition cause they walked straight towards him and surrounded him so no one could see his face. Unfortunately, they were now trapped inside the circle of curious people, and Scott looked around, they had nowhere to go. Or so they thought.

“Scott,” Y/N got out of her car and spoke loud enough to get the young man’s attention, “hey, McCall!”

He found her in the middle of the mess and his eyes went wide, surely thinking she was about to freak out and attack them. “Y/N, I’m sorry-”

“Get in the car,” she cut him out, very aware of the looks people were giving her.

“You’re not gonna let them get inside your car with that... thing, going with you, right?” A woman asked from her left.

“I’m sorry, but last time I checked that ‘thing’ was a human being and the people with him were too”

“They’re monsters!” The man in front of her, the same that had killed the other two spoke up, “they’ll kill us at the first chance”

“You’re crazy,” Y/n replied in disgust, “can’t you see what you did? You killed them! They were kids!”

“Monsters!” Repeated the stranger, and the crowd joined, screaming threats to Liam, who was still covered by Scott’s body.

“Scott, I won’t repeat myself” She insisted harshly, opening the back door of her car and stepping aside so Scott could put him in.

“Thank you,” He sighed, and the three of them quickly got into the car and shared no words while Y/N heard a woman next to her calling an ambulance for the other kids that laid inert on the ground.

Y/N went back to the car and turned on the engine once more. She didn’t look back until she left the busy street, and even then a few minutes went by before she realized she had no idea where she was going.

“D-do you want me to drop you all off at your place?” She asked Scott, her voice now a lot shakier than before.

“No, take us to Liam’s”

“Alright,” She replied, still shaking, “Can someone tell me where’s that?”

Scott proceeded to give her directions until the house came into view, she parked right outside the house and watched as Liam and Malia got out of the back.

Liam glanced at her with fear, and she wanted to let him know that it was okay, that she didn’t judge him or that she wasn’t afraid. But it was a blatant lie. She was scared shitless and she had no words for what was going on. Y/N was in for big, big trouble.

“You can go home now,” Scott told her once his friends were away, waiting for him at the doorstep.

“You don’t need a ride home?” She inquired, trying to sound as calm as possible, “I mean, a bunch of people just saw you walking out next to... him, you could be in danger”

“Believe me, I’m used to it by now,” He gave her a sad smile.

“I insist”

“Why?” Scott eyed her up and down, a frown now appearing on his face, “you saw what happened there, right? How come you’re not screaming and running for your life”

“Because, like you said, I saw what happened. And they didn’t have the fault. Liam isn’t dangerous”

Scott nodded, She saw his train of thoughts going for a few seconds before he spoke up again.

“Fine, give us five minutes and you can drop us at my place”

“Okay,” Y/N sighed, finally letting go of the steering wheel, not even conscious that she was holding to it like her life depended on it. “I’ll be here”

“And Y/N?” He added once he was out, bending a little so he could see her through the window, “thank you for helping”

“Scott?” She didn’t want to ask the next question, but she had to, if she wanted to save Nolan, she had to know everything, “the reason why Nolan and those guys were beating Liam up that other day... was it because they knew what he was?”

He hesitated for a moment but after sharing one look, he couldn’t lie.

“We think so,” And with that he walked towards Liam and Malia, leaving Y/N with a pit in her chest.

If she didn’t stop him before things went too far, Nolan was going to make some huge mistakes.

_______________________________________

Taglist: @all-alone-he-turns-to-stone @im-planning-something-look

#Danny's writing #nolan holloway x reader #teen wolf imagine #so far away

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sweetandsavageautistic · 4 years

Text

Who’s ready to lose more braincells thanks to Twitter? (CW: Pedophilia mention)

"I'm Alive Because of YOU!"

The Innocence of an adult with autism and his BFF Lost & Found EMMY ;)

Love You, Love You My Boo Bear

Mommyand (aka) #SMAARTMom

Meet My son Dustin & My Inspiration for Creating the Autism Welcomed Decal Symbol

Oh, decedents of men she loved/trusted... what a great idea!

To me, there's just something about what the innocence of a child would bring to that kind of a role. Or even a high functioning teen or adult with autism...

#WritingCommunity

Lauren, as a mother of an angel with disabilities, I would like articles about parents and adults with #Autism who share success stories. What makes a positive outcome?

Son went out with his grandad today amazing how are kids adults with #autism behave like angels for there grandparents lol.

As the parent of an adult child with autism I always tell young parents to never underestimate their child Our children CAN They are true angels sent to us by God

I worked as a parapro for three years and have seen people on every part of the spectrum- the way he spoke and carried himself should NOT influence anyone’s decision on their theory of his guilt or innocence. His demeanor is very typical of someone with high-functioning autism.

One thing I know about people with Aspergers is, they dont lie, they are often shy at 1st, but once they know you, they arent the type you ask "does my butt look big in this" coz they'll tell you outright that if does with such innocence & charm.

The innocence of people with autism is truly incomparable, it's their raw emotion that's sets them apart from the rest of the world.

@realDonaldTrump

hope you can meet Ganesh. #helpganeshmeettrump

Brother godbless ur boy.His curiosity is apparent and his calmness is heartwarming to see he realizes this isn’t going to hurt us.Autism holds a special place in my heart for my niece is also Autistic and any child,I see an innocence about them that makes me smile.Good job dad

You’re not alone , we autism moms are in this together and know exactly the heartbreak you are feeling

give it time and a lot of therapy Jenny, things will get better !! Just remember that his innocence is soo pure that he’s an angel here on earth for you

Not just autism but any diagnosis/disability. My saying is "do not look at my child w/ different eyes when u see him do something that's considered out of d norm" & also "don't break away his spirit because he can still see the Innocence in life better than you" -Margarita Rubio

Same here brother. My youngest son is autistic and I cant imagine how anyone..especially a "father" could do something like this My son has random seizures and everyone of them rips my heart out Autistic children have more heart & love than anyone on earth Innocence of autism

The ABC series "Love on the Spectrum" was / is a beautiful uplifting and inspiring work. The wonderful openness, hopefulness and general innocence of the autistic folk is a lesson for everyone. Love for everyone has challenges. I hope people don't use autism to express contempt

I love being around people with Autism. They radiate pure energy and innocence.

My son has autism and he is just beautiful in his innocence, thank you very much!!! He does not have black coal for a heart and not beholden to Satan

When Quamaine helped me with the snow shoveling. He was happy to help. I adore him and his innocence. I hope he knows that. #adultwithautism #autism #adultoconaitismo #autismo #quamaine #autismaunt #snow

Mothers of children with autism know their kids intimately because they cannot leave them with anyone. They protect their kids fiercely, because they are vulnerable due to their innocence

Sarah's effective portrayal of an autistic role clearly depicted the charm, candidness, innocence and frolicsome attitude of people with autism.

Autism. A neurological condition where purity and innocence collide to form an abstract masterpiece.

THE REAL CHAMPIONS IN THIS WORLD ARE CHILDREN LIKE KAYLENE. WITH AUTISM SPECIAL NEEDS & CHILDREN FIGHTING CANCER SO MUCH MORE LOOK AT HER SMILE SO INNOCENT

The people with autism can understand a lot of things very clearly. Autistic children tend not trust adult humans becoz for them they are constantly in movement which doesn’t allow things to sync with them. BTW they are fantastic human beings with a child like pure heart.

People with autism are the most perfect human beings on the planet to me bc they don’t bother a soul or hurt anybody an is purely innocent 💯‼️❤️

I have a soft spot for people with Autism. We aren’t worthy of their creativity, intelligence and innocence

I love being around people with Autism. They radiate pure energy and innocence.

Thank you

God bless you too!

I believe people with autism are special gifts and their purity cannt be denied]

I’ve been the happiest in my life being around people with autism. If you don’t have a friend, brother, or neighbor like them you truly haven’t experience the purity in life.

People with down syndrome, autism, etc, arent capable of hate, malice, greed, intolerance, etc. They exhibit all the things that those of us "normal" people try to be but cant. They're not equipped to be evil. They can only show purity.

I dont know, that's my take on it.

By living with people with autism, we are be able to regain the purity

True, but at the same time these aren't necessarily different things: pedophilia, anti-pedophilia & dumb-girl-philia can stem from one & the same mental trait, i.e. the idealization of childlike Innocence; which in turn is arguably a form of autism: other people can't have minds.

#Undateables #TheUndateables I adore this show. The pure honesty love and kindness of these beautiful souls blows me away

. Their innocence and hopeful view of this world is something that could teach many. Appreciate what you have

#autism #specialneeds #learningdisability

Which film? I love the innocence of kids. Every day my kids say it as it is and their attitude keeps me so grounded. We could all learn a lot from autism x

This sickens me 2 the core.Trump started this he is to blame. We are one let us not forget this. We need 2 learn again from our young who see no difference. My son with autism never sees any difference. Such innocence. The world will not change him .He listens to me I accept all

My son who has been diagnosed with #autism loves painting.He is lifting my spirits with his joy 4 his work he has done.Some he started this week & finished. R #Hamilton #Ticat #Football colors. Love the innocence its so grounding 4 me. Blessings 4 all you are doing

Pope john paul the second said children with autism were closer to god than any other. They have a innocence about them. We should take notice and learn from there how love and live

And now, some tweets from people who think Greta Thunberg is being exploited just because she's so passionate about stopping climate change:

If This Little Girl GRETA really has AUTISM How Terrible Easy For Adults To Manipulat Her IT IS A PARENTS JOB TO PROTECT THE INNOCENCE OF OUR CHILDREN IM SO ASHAMED AND SO SHOULD THE CLIMATE CHANGE COMMUNITY GOD FORGIVE HER PARENTS. THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THE DO

Democrats like John Kerry are using an innocent little girl with autism to feign innocence while the Democrats just voted to spend 738 billion dollars on environmental destruction. How ridiculous.

That's a good argument? Because it's what SHE *wants* to do? She is a child who does not yet fully grasp the perils of public life or climatology. She's also a child diagnosed on the autism spectrum. She deserves privacy and protection of her innocence. It will end poorly.

I've started to suspect she was selected for this job because of her autism. She can play innocence whenever someone publicly calls her out for the childish nonsense that comes out of her.

Greta is a 16-yr-old kid with autism who is being used by her parents & the crazy adults around her as a political pawn. She's not a savior. She's a kid who is having her innocence and anonymity stripped from her by a**holes pushing their stupid climate change crap.

I think she is being used. The fact that she has an Autism Spectrum Condition should be respected. She is very articulate and very focused partly because she is Greta and partly because she is autistic, but she also has the innocence of a teenager and someone with an ASD.

#climate change is real karen #autism innocence bullshit #autism #autistic #actuallyautistic #actually autistic #sweet and savage autistic

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oldsamshouseoffic · 6 years

Text

Southern Sun

Words: 7161

My very first modern AU.

Merry Kristannamas, @epbaker! Based on your recs you seem to appreciate a variety of AUs and character interpretations, so I tried to push out of my comfort zone. And boy, did I. It was meant to be a simple fluffy oneshot but, well, you can see it kind of got away from me and is now double the length I planned with oodles of family angst. I split it into four parts and the fluff doesn’t really start until Part III: Bribery. But they get there, they do get there.

I hope you enjoy my hot mess. It even follows the suggested theme...

To anyone with actual knowledge of Antarctic operations, my apologies in advance for the many, many inaccuracies.

Part I: Lousy Antarctica

Lousy Antarctica.

Anna Arendal threw her covers off and dragged herself to her feet, strangling a howl of frustration as she looked at the clock, her only reliable measure of time on this stupid continent. She opened the shutters, ignoring the recommended closure hours sensibly displayed across them in Norwegian, and let the bright daylight into her room. Her brain kind of knew the light was there anyway, even if she couldn't see it. It felt like daytime, twenty-four seven. And she had got used to it. Mostly. Normally. You couldn't be an intrepid polar researcher if you couldn't manage the weird hours- everyone knew that. But...

Lousy Kristoff.

Lousy storm.

Lousy dated, unreliable equipment, that falls apart if a teensy little gale force wind hits it.

Lousy... actually, this wasn't Elsa's fault at all, not this time.

Lousy Anna. Lousy Anna's lousy big mouth.

Lousy comms blackout, at the worst possible time.

She fell back on top of the mangled bed covers, the ambient chill than pervaded every inch of Troll Station even in summer creeping under her onesie and the pyjamas underneath that, at throat and wrist and ankle, setting her skin tingling. The chill cut through the fog of her insomniac funk, just a little.

It was all her fault. And Kristoff's. And the storm, obviously. And the midnight sun. But mainly hers.

She shouldn't have yelled at him. Kristoff was a big, oblivious... Kristoff, and she was expecting him to be a mind-reader. Of course he didn't get why she'd been pulling out her hair about a few days without Internet. She'd never explained about her family, after all. Not that he'd been very polite about it.

But then neither had Anna. Maybe it was guilt, the reason she was replaying their argument in her head over and over. Or maybe... maybe it was a sign of how few people she actually had, out here, on the underside of the world. How few friends to lose.

Lousy language barrier...

Antarctica is a post-state scientific utopia. In theory.

On December 1st, 1959, the twelve nations with active science bases on the frozen continent signed the Antarctic treaty, dedicating one of the great land masses of Earth to peace and scientific discovery. As of 2006, forty countries are signed up to the treaty and operate research bases and stations. More than forty are permanent, 12 months-per-year settlements, antennae and living pods linked together like moon bases, dozens more are small, summer outposts.

The biggest, McMurdo Station, is American. It is more like a town than an outpost, its population never dropping below two hundred even in the depths of the polar winter, and swelling to over a thousand in the summer research season. That was where Anna had spent her first season in the continent. So many fellow research biologists. So many penguins! She could literally walk to one of the Adélie colonies, except that she had promised never to do that again. Those darn pencil pushers...

This year was different. Particular research had to be collected from other parts of the continent, very specific, penguin-ey data which couldn't be gleaned from what other nations had shared. I can do that one, Anna had said, pointing to where Troll Station had been circled on the map. My parents spoke Norwegian. I'll fit right in...

“It'll be great!” Anna had insisted to Elsa. “No more of the big-base politics and bureaucracy and meetings... Ugh, so many meetings! All the nonsense there was around that congressional visit. None of which was my fault, by the way. Just real researchers, braving the frozen wilds for science!”

Elsa had looked uncertain; she hadn't said anything about how Anna was travelling to the other end of the planet again, and that it was different this time, they were different. But they'd promised to stay in contact- the base had a dish for Internet- and Anna had sworn she wouldn't let them drift apart a second time.

The journey back to the frozen continent had gone smoothly, considering how complicated it all was. Connecting flights down the length of the Americas, an overnight stay at an airfield in Argentina, and then a chartered plane had brought her back to McMurdo. She'd had enough time to say 'See ya later' to a couple of old friends before the equipment she'd need was collected and loaded onto yet another plane, which had carried her to the South Pole.

A pilot had greeted her on arrival, a sharp-featured older woman who had informed her in laboured English that she was to to fly her the rest of the way, and had seemed surprised but delighted when Anna answered her in Norwegian, even complementing her accent. She hadn't known she had an accent. Was that... actually a complement, though?

With an hour or two free once she'd made sure her luggage was safely transferred to the smaller cargo plane, and although she had already felt tired from the long hours in the air, Anna had still got out and walked around the Amundsen–Scott South Pole Station. Partly to stretch her legs, and partly because she was at the South Pole.

The South Pole... Wasn't that just crazy? Mother Earth's frosty little butt.

It hadn't even been all that cold, being the start of the Antarctic summer. Okay, pretty cold, maybe minus twenty, but she'd come straight from the first frosts of a New York winter and was wrapped up in the finest thermal gear government funding could buy, so she'd felt the sting on the exposed parts of her cheeks and that was about all.

There was... literally a pole there.

Right in front of the base. It was a goofy little thing- red and white striped with a shiny ball on top, sticking up absurdly from the packed white permafrost. To think so many men died to reach the site of some novelty lawn ornament...

She had taken a selfie with it, to send to Elsa as soon as she had Internet.

By the time the final leg had brought her to the little airfield alongside Troll Station, she had been awake for more than twenty hours, which had made it, according to the pilot, only mid morning by Central European Time. A massive man whose ginger muttonchops were sprinkled with white had been standing, waiting for her, by a red minibus fitted with massive winter tyres. Every vehicle in Antarctica looked like a scaled-up kids' toy. As it turned out that was the station director, Dr Kjøpmann, who insisted on Anna calling him Oaken with the same polite informality which proved to be the norm for... most of the station staff.

On the way from the airfield Oaken had launched into what could well have been the introductory spiel he gave every newcomer. Troll Station was established first by the Norwegians as a summer outpost, and only expanded into a permanent, year-round station in 2003. This was good news in a lot of ways- there were all the modern conveniences. A TV room. Even basic Wi-Fi- although he admitted it wasn't very reliable. A sauna- Anna had tried not to giggle at that. But of course there was a sauna...

And the base now had a wind turbine to generate part of its power. He sounded particularly proud of that. Then Anna remembered being told that a good portion of the Norwegian scientists at the base were environmental researchers. Sustainability was probably close to their hearts.

The base was not much to look at in itself- Antarctic stations never are. A handful of blocky prefabricated buildings, mostly bright red to stand out at a distance to anyone lost nearby, connected by tracks and walkways. What really stood out was that it was all built not on snow, but on bare rock. A huge rock formation rose out of the ice sheet, running up towards a collection of oddly shaped mountains in the near distance, and the Norwegians had planted their flag right on top of it. Oaken explained all this, adding that the mountains were the 'trolls' after which the station had been named.

By the time they had made it to the station, Anna had been half-awake, and they had installed her equipment in one of the lab buildings and installed Anna herself in an empty dormitory room as quickly as possible so she could sleep off some of her extreme jet lag, having gone from EST to New Zealand time then back to European time over the course of one trip.

Left alone to unpack and rest, she'd zipped open her case, changed into her pyjamas, pulled her favourite penguin onesie on over the top because she'd still felt the chill, then remembered just in time to text Elsa.

......

Did you arrive yet? x

Anna, please text me when you're safely there. You know I get jittery when you travel x

Arrived safely! ;)

Thank God. How is your Norwegian holding up?

Xxx

Okey dokey so far.

I'm so out of practice.

Elsa I need my sleep. So do you. It's 4am in NY.

Wait!

???

Forgot this. Lo, ye literal South Pole XD

This... is ridiculous x

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Don't let the bed bugs bite x

Have an adventure, Anna. Skype me. Love you x

Luv u xxx

......

Sisterly duty discharged, Anna had flipped the light switch and collapsed straight onto the bed, instantly asleep...

She'd been woken up again after only a couple of hours, but that was life, wasn't it?

Broken sleep was kind of part of working through the midnight sun, Anna considered, still staring at the ceiling of her room. Maybe they were all feeling a little edgy, shorter tempered...

After another twenty minutes replaying her good and bad choices with increasing frustration, Anna thought: To heck with it. Brooding was Elsa's thing- she was a problem solver.

Well, how to solve her problems, then?

Problem 1: Elsa. Couldn't do anything about her until the storm damage to the comms dish was fixed.

Problem 2: Kristoff.

Kristoff. Anna had the beginnings of a plan to repair that particular burned bridge. Hopping up, she pulled her boots, gloves and coat on over her night clothes. If she remembered the rota right, Olaf was on nights at the moment...

Olaf Snømann was in his element. Three quarters of the staff were asleep and the canteen block was empty, so he could use the kitchen without interruption. Strictly speaking, Troll Station having no official chef, meals were meant to be cooked by the researchers based on a rota, but Olaf often volunteered his down time to bake, mix, prepare. Partly because putting together a lovely stew relaxed him when he wasn't grappling with satellite data, and partly because if he didn't cook, someone else had to- and most of his colleagues struggled to empty a tin of herring onto a slice of bread. It certainly made him popular. Everyone wanted to be friends with the cook.

Of course, with the satellite down he had all the time in the world anyway.

The door swung open which a swish of frozen air which tickled Olaf's scalp through his thin, silver hair, and a lone figure waddled in, wrapped in a thick high vis coat. It wasn't time for the night shift to eat, but there was no mistaking his visitor anyway. Olaf stopped stirring the stew pot and hurried to shut the door as fast as his stumpy legs would allow as American Anna undid her jacket, yawning. Underneath she was dressed in the same bizarre one-piece hooded costume that she'd worn the first time they'd met, her wind-burnt face framed by ginger pigtails sticking out under a goofy plush penguin face...

She had only been at the base a couple of hours at that point, months ago, but according to her she had forgotten to turn off her phone alarm. Now, an early alarm in Latin America is past midday in Europe and, finding herself awake at lunch, she'd decided to brazen out her jet lag and try the canteen.

Everyone had introduced themselves, of course. And it had turned out the base rumour mill was, for once, true and she actually spoke Norwegian, although her accent was so strong Olaf couldn't believe she had ever left the United States before. Although Olaf's own spoken English was atrocious, so it was a relief to know they wouldn't have to rely on it.

In any case, she had sat down, bleary-eyed, clad in her novelty onesie, said thank you very politely for the smørbrød Olaf had placed before her, before devouring a good half of it with her hands- like a toddler. Eventually she'd gone pink in the cheeks, registering that people were staring, and picked up her knife and fork to finish. Someone had jokingly called her 'Pingu' and she'd looked at them blankly. Olaf had shooed them away and sat down to eat with her, feeling a little protective of this young, half-penguin researcher, with her feral American table manners, half asleep and wholly out of her element.

And she was fun, it turned out. A breath of fresh, crazy air. He'd not had a snowball fight in years before Anna had arrived...

Anna coughed, bringing Olaf's mind back to the present before he could .

“Hi Olaf. I'm sorry about the dish.”

He looked back at the pot. “What? Oh, the satellite dish.” He shrugged, smiling serenely. “These things happen. He glanced out one of the little porthole-like windows, sighed, and returned to stirring the pot. “This land is beautiful, powerful, dangerous... that is part of the wonder of it. A little damage, a little delay- it's nothing we can't fix.”

Anna inhaled sharply, wringing her hands. “Yeah... fixing things. About that. Could I ask you a really, really big favour?”

Part II: Penguin Girl

Kristoff shovelled snow.

The base had a snow plough, obviously, but the storm had done more than spread a few feet of powder over the roads. In the driving wind, tonnes had built up in dense drifts against the buildings, burying cables and equipment that had to be dug out by hand. And so, since Lars had called dibs on the plough and he wouldn't be driving Anna anywhere until comms were restored, Kristoff had picked up a shovel and offered a hand.

That was if Anna ever actually wanted to share a cab with him again. The thought that she might insist Oaken assign her one of the other techs bothered him in a way part of him found surprising. He wasn't sure exactly when he'd stopped being annoyed by the ginger menace and started...

He carried on shovelling. He'd been working at it steadily for a while now; Sápmi winters had trained him well and he kept up a clean, rhythmic technique, the exertion warming him against the burning cold of the Antarctic air, efficiently clearing the loose-packed snow into piles that could be swept off by vehicle. Initially the exercise had kept his head clear, stopped him from dwelling on the fight, but now specific impressions kept forcing their way back into his head.

Anna had been so unreasonably angry, Kristoff had thought, about losing Skype when the blackout left the base cut off from other stations if there were an actual emergency, and when the whole TrollSat team's actual jobs rested on the comms mast being fixed, and when actual international treaties existed around Norway sharing that satellite data. And he'd told her so, and he'd not really listened to her...

But now, now he remembered her hands, fidgeting, tying her braids in knots as she'd complained; the tension in her wide blue-green eyes, almost tearful, and that wasn't just Anna being her usual impatient, volatile self. Something had been very wrong, and Kristoff hadn't listened.

Now he was worried, and wondering if it was too late to fix... whatever they had. It wasn't like he could fix comms.

Kristoff remembered when he had first set eyes on her...

He'd been hearing the others gossip about Anna for a couple of days, the strange American penguin girl, but they'd kept missing each other, which suited him fine. 'Kind of hot', apparently, 'in a Pippi Långstrump sort of way'- he hadn't wanted to dwell on that particular disturbing mental image. All Kristoff had known was that some American government agency had cut a deal with some Norwegian government agency, which meant he now had to spend four days a week ferrying some stranger far overland to look at birds.

He had been checking over the snowcat when Anna and Oaken had come strolling up together. The Red Sven was a tracked polar specialist about the size of a tow truck, and the only vehicle they had with the necessary speed and range for Ms Arendal's outings. The director had simply handed Kristoff his revised work schedule and marched back to his office with a wave, leaving his more taciturn countryman to try and make conversation with the newcomer.

It had turned out that making conversation with Anna Arendal was mostly nodding and saying 'Huh'. Her Norwegian was better than he'd heard, although her accent was strong, going high and low in all the wrong places with heavy American 'R's. Still, words, mostly the correct ones, poured bubbling up out of this girl- sweet and effervescent and unrelentingly upbeat, like a human can of Sprite. Questions, follow-up questions, answers to questions he hadn't asked... maybe it was a nervous trait?. She had just arrived after all.

Their first trip had dispelled the theory that Anna only talked too much when she was nervous, as she'd quickly settled into a calm, collected routine of always thinking in her mouth.

Anna was in Troll Station because it was 'close' to penguin colonies she needed to observe and collect data from. However, Antarctica was a continent, and 'close' meant travelling hundreds of miles by snowcat as opposed to thousands by plane. Troll Station being the 'closest' to the colonies she needed to study meant that it was 'only' a three hour drive each way in fine weather, plus an hour or two of driving between the penguin nesting spots themselves. Plus waiting around for Anna to make observations and collect samples.

And through it all, Anna would talk...

Are we there yet?

No.

You don't say much, huh?

No.

…

If the rock rises through the ice around the station, is the ice thinner? Like, do we have to worry less about falling in cracks?

Actually, you'd think so, but no. The ice gets thick pretty quick as you move away from the Jutulsessen nunatak.

…

I've never observed an Emperor colony before. Most of the data I collected last year is from Macaronis, but we need to track the pollution effects on the other Antarctic species and form hypotheses about dietary factors, so... are you listening?

Um, sure.

…

Are you ever around in winter?

No, it's only really the satellite station team that are needed during the long night.

Twenty-four hours of night. That must suck.

Yes.

…

Are the nights very long where you come from?

Oh yes.

So, far in the North?

Sápmi.

Sorry?

Sápmi. You know, ugh, 'Lapland'?

Like Santa Claus?

...No, not like Santa Claus.

…

What's a Pingu?

…

It had been exhausting at first, chauffeuring their foreign guest from breeding site to breeding site. That first week, the idea of being grounded at Troll Station for a few days would have sounded like a holiday. So why, whatever he did, however much he tinkered with the vehicles in the garage, or cleared snow until his back and shoulders burned and his clothes and beard were dusted white... Why did the day feel so empty now?

He missed the easy smile, the fizzy energy that escaped in bursts of joy, or curiosity, or irritation. He somehow missed the constant barrage of words.

He missed Anna. At some point in all those long, long drives over the ice, she'd grown on him.

Like a terrorist and her hostage...

Part III: Bribery

The sun didn't set during December in Antarctica. But this far from the Pole it did skim lower in the sky for a few hours, swelling into a warmer golden light that smeared itself along the horizon like the glow of a distant fire. Kristoff liked to sit out and watch it sometimes, on his breaks or when there was no work for him. That was how Anna found him, sat on a box by the wall of the garage block and sipping steaming black coffee from a Thermos flask. Alone. Good.

He was looking away from her, scarf loose around his thick blond beard, woolly hat pulled down over his ears, rolling his broad shoulders gently as if working out the aches and pains of the day. Anna saw the shovel propped up against the wall next to him. Clearly Kristoff had been making himself a lot more useful than she had been, sulking in bed, and for a moment she hesitated to bother him.

No, shyness wasn't going to solve anything. If Kristoff didn't want to talk to Anna he could tell her. And the package in her hands wasn't getting any warmer.

“Anna?” She jumped.

“Oh, Kristoff...” Anna swallowed nervously. She'd been spotted, no point in trying to back out now. She stepped up to her colleague, her rehearsed apology completely evaporating from her mind. “So, I...” “I should apologise.”

“What? No! I should apologise.” Anna blinked in surprise. “I yelled at you.”

“I didn't listen to you.”

“No one listens to me!” Anna paused. “I talk too much I know it's a thing.” She held the bag in her hands out to him. “Peace offering. I didn't have time to wrap it.”

“For me?” Kristoff stared at the bag for a couple of heartbeats, then took it and sat back down on the box, shuffling over so Anna could join him. He lifted the box out of the bag, a large plastic tub she and Olaf had found in the kitchen, and...

As Kristoff cracked open the lid of the tub, the smell of sweet fried dough was detectable even in the icy midsummer air. He smiled. “Doughnuts. You got Olaf to make them again.”

“Yep.”

“Everyone has been badgering him to make more since... well, the last time. He said we had to wait for a special occasion.”

“I twisted his arm.”

“They're so good.”

“Yep.” Anna was giggling now. “And they're all yours. Tell no one, or the meteorological team will descend on you like vultures.”

Kristoff laughed, and Anna was finally starting to relax, relieved. “It's a strange world.”

Kristoff reached for a rucksack sitting on the snowy rock, and fiddled with fastenings. Thermal gloves made little things awkward. Eventually, mumbling an apology, he drew out a small package tied up in a cotton rag. “I didn't have time to wrap, either.”

Anna let him place the little parcel in her hands. “And it's not even Christmas yet.” As she pulled the cloth away she saw the gleam of coloured foil. Was it really...

“Chocolate!” Anna jumped up and down, clutching The Precious to her chest, then sat down self-consciously. “Wow, thanks. My stash lasted, like, a week. Not even that.”

She turned back to Kristoff. “I can't believe we both decided to bribe each other with sugar.”

“It's the drug of choice around here.”

“Like cigarettes in prison.”

“We should talk.”

“Yeah...”

“I promise to listen this time.”

It was far too cold to stay outside, so Kristoff led her into the garage. Soon they were sat together in the cab of Kristoff's snowcat, as they had on so many achingly cold, bright 'mornings' since Anna had arrived here.

Anna's chocolate was frozen solid- goodness knows where Kristoff had been hiding it, maybe buried somewhere safe from hungry researchers- so they shared Kristoff's doughnuts as Anna explained a little of her family situation.

How Elsa had increasingly isolated herself from everyone including, most hurtfully, her sister. How they hadn't realised how ill she was, not for years- Pappa hadn't really encouraged them to talk about it.

Eventually, in their twenties, after they had both made some questionable choices- Kristoff didn't need to hear about Anna’s jerkass of an ex just yet- things had reached a breaking point.

After a particularly severe crisis had landed Elsa in the ER, she was finally receiving the medical attention she should have been getting from the beginning. Encouraged by her therapists, she had reached out to Anna.

They were making progress, slowly learning to be sisters again. But things were still fragile between them. Anna could be thoughtless and short-tempered, Elsa was painfully sensitive and sometimes kind of paranoid... it was a volatile combination.

In their last Skype call before the storm had wrecked the mast Elsa had been smiling, proud of herself. She had gone to a Christmas party. Elsa. Elsa Arendal had gone to a party. And enjoyed herself. With people. And dancing.

Anna had asked her where the party had been. Elsa had prevaricated, but Anna had pressed the issue, knowing her sister didn't drink and the blush on her cheeks was not alcohol.

“It... was an office party.”

“Oh really... Whose?”

“Oh, whose office? A, um, friend.”

“A friend took you on a date, huh?”

“Well it doesn't have to be a date, necessarily.”

“Uh-huh...”

“Okay, it was. Maybe.”

“Ooh... Maybe I should check this guy out, ask him his intentions towards my sister. Or do I know him already? You don't meet that many people, no offence.”

“No, no.”

“You hesitated.”

“No, honestly, she's new in town... oh God.”

Kristoff looked wary. “And was that...”

Anna nearly spat out her doughnut. “Oh for God's sake Kristoff, I'm not a homophobe! I'm a scientist! It would be like... hating someone for their shoe size!”

Kristoff's nose scrunched up when he was thinking. It was kind of adorable- Wait, what?

“So, if you're not-”

“There's no if! Geez, one nightmare clown gets elected and everyone thinks the worst of us.”

“So what did you say?”

Anna face-palmed, groaning. “Nothing.”

There was a pregnant pause.

“Nothing? You?”

“I panicked! Said some nonsense about having my lab tests to get back to...”

Anna found herself fidgeting with her hair again. “We're sisters, and I love her, but sometimes it seems like I hardly know anything about her. Elsa pulled away from me so hard all through our teens- I didn't know then about her mental health, I just thought there was something wrong with me, maybe. And it just got worse after Mamma and Pappa passed. We've only really reconnected in the last year after she started getting therapy and meds, and so much is still uncharted territory between us.

There should have been sleepovers and girls' nights in and blanket forts where we talked about our crushes and shared our darkest secrets. But there was none of that. Just a locked bedroom door I passed on my way to the stairs. And being reminded of that made me feel like the lousiest sister in the world all over again.”

She pulled her legs up to her body, hugging her knees. “And you know, I am.”

Anna put her hand up to stay Kristoff's well-meaning protests.

“No, really. I made it about me. I got all weird and made excuses so I'd have time to feel comfortable. I was so scared of saying the wrong thing I said nothing! The one time I didn't talk when I actually should have...

I should have told her that it was okay. I shouldn't have signed off before I was sure she believed that. Elsa never finds it easy to tell me anything. Her issues make her so scared all the time, make her expect the worst. But she's been trying so hard. She's been getting better...”

Anna buried her face in her hands. “But that was when we lost Internet! And phones! Everything! Like, ten minutes later, back at the lab I had started to worry and wanted to send her a quick message, something supportive, even just a stupid little “Luv u Elsa xxx”...

...But no signal. Blackout! So now my only sister's back stateside thinking I freaked out and ghosted her, probably deciding to cut me out of her life for good this time. Or worse, having another breakdown... because of me...”

Kristoff wasn't the most demonstrative guy Anna had ever met, so she was surprised when he shifted the remaining doughnuts to one side and wrapped her in a tight hug.

It was nice, though. It was really nice, even with the gearshift pressing into her hip. She felt adrift in nightmarish uncertainty, no clue what Elsa was doing, no way to fix it, and the feeling of his arms encircling her, thick and strong as tree trunks, was kind of grounding. He was so calm and still most of the time, it was easy to forget how big he was. Two Annas big. Like a bear. A brawny Norwegian bear man. She couldn't really feel the warmth of him through the layers of insulating clothing they both wore, but... why was she thinking about that?

“Anna, listen to me. The dish will be fixed before you know it. You will call your sister, or Skype or whatever you want. You will tell her exactly what you told me, and she will understand and she will love you. We will carry on collecting data, data and poop alike, I will make you watch Pingu in the TV room so you understand the joke, and everything- that means everything- will be alright. Okay?”

Anna nodded. Something about the sheer, solid presence of Kristoff made it easier to believe his words, to expect good things, as she mumbled his words back to him. “Everything will be alright.”

“That's right.”

They met again the next evening, in the same spot- where Kristoff waited in the freezing wind with a sheepish grin and enough coffee for them both. Anna's chocolate had had time to thaw out and was no longer like trying to bite into a slab of glass, so they took their eating caffeine and drinking caffeine into the garage workshop. Kristoff must have known it would be empty.

“I should explain my behaviour,” Kristoff announced out of nowhere.

Anna put her plastic mug down on the crate that Kristoff had dragged over between their stools to make them a table, with that effortless strength of his. “No offense, but you need to narrow that down.”

“I can often be too...” Kristoff trailed off, his brow furrowing under his woolly hat.

“Laconic?”

He grunted. “Actually, yes. My family are a bit overpowering. It would make sense if you could meet them.”

Anna leaned in, curious. “Your family?”

She'd never thought about him as a family person. But then she'd never asked. Had she really been so self-centred?

“Well, adoptive family. My brother, that's my... hold on.”

Kristoff reached into his coat to retrieve one of the indestructible phones the Norwegian teams were issued with and flicked through a couple of screens, before turning it over to her. It showed a photo of two young men dressed in colourful woollen clothes, smiling and hugging each other while one held up the camera. It took a moment to realise which one was Kristoff- he looked different without the thick beard he'd been wearing since she had arrived.

“My only blood relation. Sven and I lost our folks when we were very little. Then we were adopted by new parents. There were ten of us, altogether, growing up right at the furthest frozen edge of the north of Europe.”

“Ten?” Anna gawked. One sibling had been complicated growing up- seven seemed like, well a zoo.

Kristoff chuckled at the face she was making. “Pappa said it kept the house warm. It was crowded. I never had much time to myself as a boy, except when I was out on the ice. At home, there was always someone talking to me, dragging me off to join in with something. Sometimes there would be songs, all through our little house, just because someone felt like singing and then Mamma joined in, then everyone else joined in...”

“They sound wonderful,” Anna blurted out, before she could stop herself. Compared to the years of her parents always being busy with the company, and Elsa ghosting her- not that they'd known why at the time...

Kristoff snorted. “They are. But also loud, and excitable, and overbearing, and kinda never shut up. I miss them, but at the same time I need to get away for some of the year.”

At that, Anna felt something implode slightly inside of her, a feeling she couldn't exactly account for, but she didn't want to ruin their second actual proper conversation, so she tried to grin and make a joke of it.

“So, you come all the way to the bottom of the world for some peace and quiet, and instead you're driving me two hundred clicks to collect penguin poop, while I talk, and talk, and talk your ear off the whole way? Tough break. Wow.”

Kristoff looked up at her and shook his head. “The whole drive back, too. But that's not quite what I meant. I should relate to people. It is part of life, I want to. But I guess my family has left me too... passive. You come to me, and you sit and talk and I let you, like you're one of my kid sisters. But you are not. I am not home, letting the noise wash over me, where my family know what I feel even if I do not show it. I am here, and you are my... friend, and I should talk to you, let you know that your company is valued.”

Anna wasn't expecting the sudden turn, and the sad look in Kristoff's eyes and the hesitant way he said 'friend', like it was a question, had her head spinning in odd ways. “That's well, I mean, not that- Do you? Value it? My company? I value yours. I think I took that for granted before our fight, which is a thing I do and- sorry.”

Kristoff nodded, radiating sincerity. “I do, Anna.” He held out his gloved hand across the crate, mashing the empty chocolate foil, and Anna took it and held it. “We're all the way out here in fourteen million square kilometres of ice and frozen rock, and only a few thousand complete madmen-”

“And madwomen!”

Kristoff laughed. “-To share it with. It's good we have each other, don't you think?”

Anna squeezed his hand. “Yeah.”

“I have good news.”

“Oh! Hi...” Anna looked up from her breakfast to see Kristoff awkwardly hovering. Checking the hood of her onesie to make sure it hid her bed hair, she wondered for a second why he was looking so uncomfortable if he had good news... before she realised he was just waiting for an invitation. “Sit, sit, come on Kristoff! Tell me.”

Kristoff joined her at the table, grasping a mug of that now familiar thick black coffee. She wondered if he drank it instead of sleeping- he was certainly up at all hours.

“The repairs to the satellite system are almost complete.”

Anna's face lit up. “That's amazing! How long...”

“They'll be able to reintegrate with the satellite and start relaying data back to Europe tomorrow morning.”

“And Internet? Phones?”

Kristoff scratched his beard. “That will take another day or two. Oaken wants to make sure we have everything straightened out before we bring back non-emergency comms, so no Wi-Fi.”

Anna's heart sank.

“But...” Kristoff smiled. “Oaken's office has a direct broadband connection, which will be back straight away, and I told him you had a family emergency and, well, he's really a good boss.”

“Wait, what did you tell him?” Anna's eyes widened.

“Oh, no details, only that you needed to contact your sister urgently. He may or may not think that she's dying.” Kristoff shrugged. “The advantage of not asking for anything for five years is, when you do, people take it very seriously. Just talk to Oaken and arrange when it would be best to use his office tomorrow-”

Kristoff wasn't that surprised when Anna leaped up and threw her arms around his neck in thanks. She was a pretty excitable person. The kiss she pressed into his cheek before she rushed out of the canteen, on the other hand...

He sat still where he was for a moment, just processing. The other driver, Lars, took a seat beside him.

“So, you and Happy Feet, right?”

“Lars, no!” Kristoff hesitated, willing himself not to let his blush rise above the beard line. “I don't know. Maybe.”

Lars snorted with laughter. “Kristoff, you hopeless young idiot. It'll be Christmas eve on Monday. Invite her to the party. A little festive cheer, a little lutefisk, a lot of Oaken's akevitt...”

He waggled his eyebrows suggestively, undeterred by Kristoff's stony silence. “She is the first new person I have seen you happily interact with since... I don't even know. You're at the damn South Pole, do you think you're holding out for someone better?”

“No! Anna's great, really great, she...” Kristoff caught himself. “Oh, I see you.”

“Because if there were someone better, sorry, but she wouldn't date you. You're reaching as it is.”

Kristoff got up, zipping his coat. “I'm leaving now.”

As he walked to the door Lars called after him. “Go, follow the beautiful penguin girl... Confess your true feelings...”

“See you around, Lars.”

Part IV: Julaften

“But he gave you chocolates?”

“Chocolate, Elsa. Chocolate. As in a candy bar. We had an argument...”

“And he didn't have flowers?”

“Hilarious. Kristoff's just a guy I know.”

“Who went out of his way to help get us back in contact. And gave you chocolate, and you spend all day with him. I'm just looking at the facts- he's basically your snow husband.”

“Stooop... A couple of dates and suddenly you're the love expert.”

“'Love' expert? Ha! A confession.”

“I could sign off right now...”

“Wait, Anna. Listen, listen, I'm being serious. You should see the way your eyes soften when you just say his name. Anna, this is me, of all people, telling you to take a chance... Why not just catch him under the mistletoe, see what happens?”

“Elsa, they don't do that in Norway. I think. We don't have mistletoe, anyway. Even if...”

Anna stared at the akevitt in the bottom of her glass, reflecting on her most recent Skype with Elsa. After the initial awkwardness of clearing up misunderstandings- it had turned out Elsa had sent about twenty panic texts and Anna had solemnly sworn to delete all of them unopened once they arrived- their conversation had turned with surprising ease to the warmer, more familial awkwardness of being interrogated about her love life. Not that she actually had a-

The door to the TV room opened, and Kristoff joined her in the hall, rosy cheeked with Christmas spirit and also probably from the rich, dark Christmas ale half-filling his cup. It was not to her taste, but by the rate it was disappearing it clearly suited some of their colleagues. “Not enjoying the film?”

"Three Wishes for Cinderella? They show it every year." Kristoff shrugged.

“Give me It's a Wonderful Life any day.” Anna sipped her drink. “Shall we go out and say hello to the doggie?”

Kristoff tried to frown, but it wasn't working. “It's a goat. A Yule Goat. They're meant to be made out of straw, but Gerda and Lars only had bits of crate to hammer together, which is why it's so...”

Anna grinned. “So... what?”

“So like a robot dog.” Kristoff sighed in surrender. “Sure, let's take a walk.”

A few minutes later, wrapped up warmly, they stood at the centre of the base trying hard to admire what Kristoff's colleagues had constructed. They would not be winning any art prizes.

“So, how's it a goat?”

Kristoff pointed up at some of the messier parts of the beast. “The bent-over parts are meant to be horns.”

“Really? Not ears?”

“Be nice. It would probably look more impressive at night.”

Anna rolled her eyes, giggling. “Sure, at night. Let's just wait a few months.”

Kristoff crossed his arms and pretended to sulk. “Yeah, yeah. Laugh at our ancient traditions. What do you do for Christmas?”

Anna grinned, stepping closer to him. “Give each other gifts...”

“Yeah, we already did that, and I'm out of chocolate.”

She looked up at his face, all bemused patience, eyes dancing. “Eat turkey...”

“Good luck with that. I'm not driving you to the nearest supermarket.”

“Where is that?”

“Cape Town. I hope you can swim.”

“Okay, okay,” Anna laughed, her gloved fingers trailing down the front of Kristoff's jacket. His brown eyes were as dark and heady as the ale he drank. “Well, there is mistletoe. You know how that works?”

“We have Hollywood. But if an American really wants to kiss someone why not just-”

“Yeah, why not?”

The kiss was brief- almost a collision- as Anna grabbed Kristoff's head in both hands and pulled him down, springing up on her toes to meet him halfway. Then she let go and staggered back a few feet.

Yep, she’d actually done that.

Kristoff was bright pink. “Anna...”

“You can't blame me!” Anna yelped. “I'm drunk and I have terrible impulse control!”

Kristoff burst out laughing, which Anna decided could either be good or really, really bad.

“Kristoff?”

That was when he kissed her back. Slow and loving and tender, and the alcohol in her veins could not compete with how that touch warmed her.

What was that bleeping?

Pulling away slightly, Kristoff pulled his phone out of his back pocket. His smile broadened.

“Midnight.”

Anna looked at the bright sunlight gleaming off the ear-horns of the Yule plank-monster. The sun was low over the mountains in the distance, gleaming off the ice flats... “Amazing.”

“Merry Christmas, Anna.”

#kristanna #anna #Kristoff #modern au #kakij2018

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musicallisto · 6 years

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Hi❤️ Can I have a ship w/TMR & HP(male), pls? I’m 5'7,have a long black hair,dark eyes,fair skin. I'm ENFJ,the eldest of 4,making me reliable & a good leader. Very caring,affectionate,kind,strong both physically & mentally,competitive & fearless. I'm a good listener so as a good adviser. I adore animals,children & LOVE cuddling,skinship,coffee,theme park & advanturous things.I hate heat & worst w/directions. I'm always there for my sis. Smile's always on my face & I hope everyone can smile,too.

(Thank you so much and take your time with my ship if you’re too busy, I understand! Hwaiting ♥ I’m supporting you~ 🌹🌷🌺💐🌼🌻 I hope you have a lovely day filled with happiness, smiles and love.❤️❤️❤️)

I Ship You With…

T H O M A S

• If Thomas had to describe in one word everything he felt when he looked at you, it would be admiration. He was completely mesmerized by the way you moved, the way you talked, how good of a leader you were, how everyone seemed to rely on you, how you were so tender and yet so brave, how you were so altruistic and generous, how you were determined to save everyone no matter the price. It was what drew him to you. Your personalities were so alike in many ways. Although you weren’t one of the official leaders in Group B, you quickly became the head of the operations because the girls soon realized how good you were at taking the lead, scheming and making plans, and leading people to victory. You were a rebel, a fighter, and Thomas loved that about you. You didn’t try to talk him down, to tell him what he was doing was worthless. You believed in him and he believed in you, and it was enough for the both of you, despite all the death and the chaos surrounding you. You showed your utmost potential in the Scorch: you were an absolute badass, saving Thomas and the others Gladers several times. Your fearless and commander nature was Thomas’s favorite thing about you.

• Besides being one of the strongest and most physically capable ones in the Group, you also valued intelligence a lot, so it was very important for you to keep doing mental puzzles and things like that after all the situation died down. You taught Thomas how to play chess and even if he didn’t understand a lot at the beginning, he was more than happy to play with you. It often ended up in Thomas being frustrated because you won extremely easily, in only a few minutes, and he didn’t understand how you did it. You laughed and told him that he was just really bad at that game, and you wondered why WICKED had even bothered studying his brain. He smiled light-heartedly; your little jokes never failed to bring a smile to his lips, no matter how pained he was by all those he had lost. Evenings in Paradise were spent playing chess on a makeshift board as the sun was dying down behind the horizon on your right, and it was peaceful and quiet: everything you wanted and deserved after the trials.

• Since you loved children a lot, you tried to convince Thomas to have some of your own, years after the dreadful events of the Maze and the Scorch. He was skeptical at the beginning, not wanting his children to live and to be raised in a world so dark, a world so cold, but you told him how amazing of a father he would be and how incredible the kid would feel having a dad like him, and eventually, after a few months of asking and persuading, he accepted. Your first born child, a boy, was named Newt. It felt like a proper tribute to your best friend, and although you wished he could be there to see his small alter ego, you were filled with happiness with your little family. Thomas turned out to be a really good father, treating his child with respect, love, and being firm when he needed to. Sometimes, you could hear Thomas’s voice crack when he called your son by his name, but you shared a comforting look and he smiled lightly. Everything was going to be alright.

M I N H O

• Minho must be your best friend, there is no discussion here and it seems OBVIOUS to me that you two fit each other perfectly. Like honestly I don’t see a romantic relationship between the two of you but sign me up for the bff stuff. You both get so competitive and teasing when you are around each other, especially because you were both the best runners in your respective Mazes, and Minho can’t have his ego beaten by *cough* “a girl” (he regrets those words as soon as he realizes that you’re indeed going to beat him God knows how and that you’re actually one helluva girl). You’re always throwing snarky comments at each other and being what others would think is nasty, but you both know it’s just for the laughs and it’s your way of being affectionate.

• HOWEVER, as soon as the other is in danger, shit gets wild. When Minho is threatened by WICKED because of his immune condition, you’re the first one to react and try your best to protect him, and Minho would be the quicket to jump in front of danger to protect you (I mean, Thomas would too, because they’re both such hotheads). Sometimes, and especially in the Scorch, when everything seems desperate and after Minho gets hit by the thunderbolt, his playful banter slowly turns to more philosophical and deeper conversations that he shares with you at night around a bonfire. At first, you’re taken aback, because it’s a side of Minho that you don’t know, or are not used to seeing. You find some stupid joke to make because seeing your lively best friend so down in the dumps is very frustrating, and he uncontrollably laughs because you know him so well. He’s uncapable of keeping a frown when you’re around.

• After the Scorch and all the Flare shit, when life goes back to normal, you suddenly realize that animals must have suffered as much as humans, if not more, and you instantly find a new goal: adopt and care for any stray animal that you find near Paradise or on the roads. And every g o d d a m n time you see a wounded racoon or a pathetic-looking dog, you must take it in, to the great displeasure of Minho who doesn’t understand that fascination at all. From his point of view, it’s already hard enough to keep humans alive, let alone furballs. However, when you pick a little blind in one eye kitten, pleading eyeing Minho with his only blue orb, and literally shove him under his nose, he can’t help sighing and agreeing with you. From that day, he helps you put up an animal shelter in Paradise and surprisingly becomes the most whipped and gaga in front of the baby animals.

J A M E S S I R I U S P O T T E R

(faceclaim: Blake Steven)• So you didn’t specify which era you wanted so I thought you were okay with any, and I never wrote anything about Next Gen (actually, yes, I did. I wrote a Lorcan x Rose fanfic years ago and it was actually quite decent. It was called Kiss From A Rose bc, yanno, the song and the wordplay, rose, haha, lol, so funny 10/10) so I thought why not? So you two would be King and Queen of mischief™ just like the two amazing bastards he was named after. You may not be the most malicious, and that’s exactly why you make an excellent duo: teachers never suspect you because they know how intelligent, mature and responsible you are, and therefore would never do anything as childish and frivolous as putting pranks on people, right? but they fail to remember that you are dating James Sirius Potter, grandson of James Potter and nephew of Fred and George Weasley. (actually, McGonagall knows very well what’s going on, but she doesn’t interfere a lot because she misses the lively and funny atmosphere in the castle from the Marauders time, or the twins time).

• Soooo many dares, tournaments and stupid challenges between the two of you. At first, they were light-hearted and simple, nothing too extravagant, like “I bet you can’t eat two turkeys in one dinner!”, but as days went on and neither backed down, it escalated until it reached the point of “One hundred Galleons if you dye Professor Longbottom’s hair green in his sleep”. You always come up with the w o r s t dare ideas, or at least the most maleficent, and the thing is James Sirius always executes them. He never backs down from a challenge or dare, partly because it amuses him a lot and partly because he doesn’t want to be seen as cowardly. When you fear it’s going too far (because you have the most common sense, so even if you find it funny, you know when it’s time to stop and be serious), you tell him that it’s okay if he doesn’t do it, and it will absolutely not degrade his reputation or the way you view him, but once he has an idea in mind, he doesn’t let it go. Which leads him to detention quite a handful of times per semester, and as a consequence he receives a lot of Howlers while you’re laughing on the other side of the table.

• Because you both adore animals, and because that kind of stuff seems to run in your blood, you decide during your fifth year to become Animaguses, or at least attempt to do it. It takes a lot of months of preparation, and at first, you are very intimidated by the processus, but James Sirius convinces you to try to do it with him because it will be so much fun and imagine the endless possibilities if you can transform into an animal at will! Finally, after months and months of bizarre spells and disgusting concoctions, after several times escaping from detention because you were brewing potions after hours in the bathrooms, you finally manage to make it. It’s very confusing at first to change shape and become an animal, and not knowing what animal you would change into when you first transformed was very stressful, but after a lot of practice and training, it became easier and easier to get used to changing into an animal, and you could use that new, secret ability to meet with him without anyone knowing.

T E D D Y L U P I N

(faceclaim: Chace Crawford)• So despite being much older than you both and therefore leaving Hogwarts years before you, Teddy is your best friend because of his mischievous, happy-go-lucky nature that really mirrors James Sirius’s personality. You get to hang out with him a lot, because he is a very good friend of the Potters, and also because you get on well with Victoire too. He is your favorite partner in crime and when he gets a prank idea to pull on someone in the castle and James Sirius is there to follow him, he basically is unstoppable. Your trio is very well known in Hogwarts when Teddy is still attending because of your creative jokes and pranks, and, to tell the truth, a little feared.

• Even after Teddy leaves Hogwarts, you still are in touch with him and talk a lot via letters. You tell him everything that’s going in Hogwarts, the classes, your friends, your family, gossip about the professors and the students, every little thing that he never would have thought he would miss when he was a student himself. He’s the only person you tell about your Animagus journey, and he’s very impressed because he knows it’s a very advanced form of magic and few wizards are ever capable of doing so. He doesn’t need it, obviously, but he loves hearing stories about your adventures and animal escapades nonetheless. Your letters are always the highlight of his days because he loves hearing from you and James Sirius and you are the closest thing he’s ever had to a brother and a sister. He loves hearing from you, your friends and your handwriting always reminds him of the times when you would spend days scheming jinxes and hexes to traumatize the poor other students.

• During the holidays, instead of staying at Hogwarts that becomes completely empty and dull, you would go back to the city and spend one week with your family and the other with the Potters, who basically adopted you as their second daughter. You love spending days with them because most of the time, the Weasleys and Teddy are there too, and it’s one giant family gathering where everyone knows each other and everyone gets along. You usually take long walks in the countryside with your best friend, trying to catch up the time you’ve spent without talking to each other, laughing and running in the corn fields, laying in the grass and laughing at the clouds that ominously look like McGonagall, or that Malfoy kid, reaching a pond and pushing a fully-clothed Teddy in there, then fleeing from the crime scene under his infuriated shouts… You’re so grateful for your friends and the amazing family that took you under its wing.

Moodboard

bigger version

Playlist

Muse - Knights of Cydonia

Martin Garrix - Virus (How About Now)

Eminem - Not Afraid

The Cab - Angel With A Shotgun

(the playlist & moodboard are mostly TMR related, but I was much more inspired, hope you don’t mind!)

#ships #ship requests #the maze runner #thomas #dylan obrien #minho #ki hong lee #harry potter

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awed-frog · 7 years

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Hi! I realized something the other day (I'm really slow wth) My parents have the same age as Dean, lit (I know weird but wathever) and my mum is homophobic (I'm bi, sad story lol) and she watches the show with me. The thing is that I annoy her with Destiel and she gets really angry (at some point she started disliking Cas, imagine that) and she looks for back up in my aunt for example, peolple her age. But me? My friends know that I'm bi, one confessed she thought she was too 1/2

2/2 and one of my bf ships Destiel really hard too. And it made realize of just how difficult it must be for Dean to “came out of the closet” if he is bi (I’m sure he is but till it becomes canon…) I mean, it’s not easy for me, it’s not easy right now for a lot of people but I’m positive that it’s better than before. Dean and people his age had it worse I think and it opened my mind to how much he must have struggled, how possible it was that Jhon could have hit him for that, oh too long 2/3

3/3 Bc before realizing this? I was like “Jhon beating hip up for this? no way. Maybe if he caught Dean while drunk and half out of his mind, but sober and knowing exactly what he’s doing?” And i must sound really stupid sorry, bc now it happens this too but it’s just WOW poor Dean, I wanna hug him. Also Charlie is a champion, and those married hunter couple 😢 Why do people do this (Also, if you have more idea of how it used to be, could u tell me? Correct me if I’m wrong?) bye ❤

Hey there! Sorry you’re having some trouble with your mom, here’s to hoping she’ll grown more accepting with time!

(But even if she doesn’t, remember that has nothing to do with you - she can choose whether to be tolerant and kind, while you can’t choose whether to be bi or not, so the ball is in her camp.)

As for Dean - yeah, he’s more or less my age, but he moves in a background that’s vastly different from mine - I’m sure other people (maybe @bert-and-ernie-are-gay or @mittensmorgul or @thejabberwock?) could tell you what it was like to grow up in the States around that time, and how queer people were perceived. All I can tell you is that in my corner of the world, being gay was something people expected you to keep quiet about - in my school, only one kid was out, and five other had that kind of ‘we all know but they never said anything so we pretend we don’t know and maybe we’re wrong’ status, and I know life had its ups and downs for them. Some people were really antagonistic (it was mostly boy on boy banter that was the problem, and I know that the worst time for gay kids was P.E., because here everyone is expected to shower together, so a vague ‘Tom looks sorta gay, haha’ can quickly turn into a ‘Hey why is that f*ggot staring at me now I’m naked’ and then all bets are off), and most people didn’t really care one way or the other, but still - the trouble is, you grow up in a culture where you don’t really have positive representation of any kind - gay people were either men dressing up and wearing feathers in funny movies or hospital patients dying of AIDS in sad movies - even for someone like me, who grew up in a weird household and read all kind of books, it was difficult to imagine a gay person being - a normal person, you know what I mean? Someone who’d have a relationship one day, and a house and a whatever job and would fight over whose turn it was to wash the dishes. And for kids with conservative parents, things were often much harsher, as I wrote here. Plus, even in the 1990s, AIDS was a big concern for most of us, gay or straight, so that was a problem as well - the illness was no longer perceived as a ‘gay’ illness (which it never was, by the way), but the fact we were bombarded with messages about the importance of condoms and safe sex, even as kids, played a role in our general understanding of sexuality (our own and other people’s).

For me, personally, the consequence of this climate of silence and diffidence in how we approached the matter meant that I considered my crushes on girls to be ‘just a phase’, or something like ‘I want to be like her’ rather than ‘I want to be with her’; whether this prevented me from seeking out romantic connections with women, we’ll never know, but since I’m insanely happy with the relationship I have now and am deeply in love with the man who shares my life, it’s not really a problem for me. That said, yeah, it doesn’t really surprise me to see that the more openly we discuss the subject and the more we respect what we feel, the fewer people identify as straight - in the UK, 49% of young people are not straight, and to me that’s a figure that makes perfect sense. We generally fall in love with souls, not bodies, so the more open-minded we are about such things, the more our potential to form relationships with anyone broadens. And, of course, as we’re heading into an age where AI will be a thing, it’s likely our understanding of what a suitable partner is will change a lot over the next few decades.

As for Dean Winchester - as I said, I’m not an expert, but this is a guy who grew up in a very different - and often hostile - environment. Unfortunately, the US is still a country where members of the LGBT community face significant risks - risks teen!Dean would be very familiar with, since half his job as a hunter-in-training was going through the newspapers looking for cases. For instance, in 1993, when Dean was fourteen, there was the murder of Brandon Teena, and the year before, Allen Schindler was killed - since he was a soldier on duty, it’s likely John would have discussed that sooner or later, and the wider ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ issue. And, I don’t know - I don’t see John as homophobic, exactly, but still - he would have considered his kids’ legitimate wish to form a relationship with someone an annoyance at best (I wonder if Sam or Dean ever sulked when they had to move because they’d lose touch with a crush or a girlfriend, for instance - they must have, right?) and an irrational luxury at worst (a partner can distract you or get targeted by enemies, as John knew from experience), and as for Dean being bi - objectively, men are more dangerous than women, and there is a significant risk a predator will pretend to be gay to trap you and hurt you, so I’m thinking this is the reason John would have objected to Dean’s choices, if nothing else. Furthermore, we’ve seen how conservative the hunter community is (or used to be) - I think John would have agreed with the adults I met growing up - would have said that okay, whatever - if Dean wanted to have fun with a man, who could stop him, right, but he’d better be careful and he’d better be private about it and ‘Jesus, let’s hope the kid doesn’t like it up the ass’ because, whatever, people have been having trouble with this particular thing for the past three thousand years and that’s not likely to change any time soon. So, yeah - I think there’s a good chance Dean took a long time to even understand he was attracted to men as well, and there’s a possibility that his acceptance and understanding of himself was muddled by the fact he was abused at some point, and turned tricks later in life - personally, my headcanon is that his experimenting years happened during the Stanford era, when he was mostly alone, and since then he’s not really thought about the whole thing a whole lot - partly because he’s always with Sam (and Sam can be very judgemental), and mostly because Dean’s got zero time for any of that stuff, and a lifespan to match - we know he thinks he shouldn’t have any relationships at all, for a bunch of reasons, and that honestly breaks my heart.

Poor guy. I really, really hope he’ll get his happy ending - God knows he deserves it.

#ask #dean winchester #dean meta #kid!dean #the 90s #gay teen #lgbt issues #guys please feel free to pitch in #it's important that kids learn about history #and i'm really not qualified to answer this question

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survivormontenegro · 5 years

Text

Episode 15 (Finale): “I COULD LITERALLY WIN A TUMBLR SURVIVOR SEASON WHAT IS THIS LIFE” - Ali

Did that vote make me a villain? Cuz I don't think I can avoid that anymore. But did it screw my chances of winning? Did it add to my resume? Did it make sense? Who do I work with next? Do people understand that Ali is gonna win this game? Is Ali gonna win another immunity challenge? Can I get him voted off or is it smarter to get him to vote with me, because its Benj and I and we need one more. I have more questions after last night than I started, but knowing that Benj was going to vote Jones I didn't think I had much of a choice.

JONES WHEN U SEE THIS ILY IM SO SORRY :((((((

youtube

breakdown.

Seamus enjoyed seeing me suffer with maths and black rotating puzzle

Ok so Ali won immunity so cant use idol on himself so im in the F4 hehe (unless hes seriously been playing me this entire time LMAO)

My 0 votes will prob be ruined tho but oh well still a huge improvement from 20 in kili

honestly think im losing in any F3 scenario ugh im gonna be a 2 time ftc loser LOL kinda iconic tho

regardless this has been one of the most fun games ive ever played hehe

I am trying my best to stay safe this round. I think it would be crazy for them to let me make it to F4, not that I think I am gonna win, but the momentum is definitely with Ali, Tom, and Jason, and I seem like the logical vote.

With that, there are some things I would like to say about the game. I'm actually pretty proud of the way I played. I know it wasn't the most graceful, or the most honest or loyal. I votes out Alex when he really trusted me. I flopped on Jules to win my way back in with that side. I stuck by Mo, but ultimately let him go when I had no choice, and then I did the same thing but more dramatically with Jones. I helped idol out the power player Mitch, but my strongest attribute was creating tight relationships with people who always felt they need to get that extra vote, Tom, Ali, Benj, Alex, Jones, Mo. The closeness has always made me less of a target, I hope not because they think I'm not a threat, but rather because they think I might be that swing vote for them. I feel like I have largely been the only one to make real decisions in this game except for Mitch, because Benj followed whoever told him to vote what, and Tom and Jason only make decisions because they just need to target whoever targets them. Ali and I are suppose to be in a secret bond, but the only time we vote together is when I switch and vote with him (Alex and Jones). I was the flip vote with Jason on Jules. I helped make the decision to vote out Mitch. I told Ali that I think it needs to be Jason this time. If I make it through this that would be soooo freakin fun. If I don't I worked my magic to try to get the target off of me, and so far I think the vote is Jason v Benj (sorry Benj that I had to convince Jason that I could work with him in the case that he idols). The biggest kink to that game is Ali winning those immunities, because truly I think the F5 would have been so different. Him winning rn changes everything and I can truly see the chinks in my strategy and gameplay now. I'm a mess, but I'm a calculating emotional mess, so hey points for me right?

okay so Jason left, which is really good news. He was clearly a major threat, and I acheived my goal (admittedly with no contribution to Mitch going) of Mitch, Jones & Jason being three boots in order.

So I'm in the final four with Caeleb, Benj and Tom. AND TOM IS NOW TARGETTING ME THAT MUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPET. I saw this coming, I knew he would, he thinks he is gonna pull a fast one on me, but little does he know Benj is the KINGEST KING, and we've been allies since the first round.

So I really REALLY wanna win final four immunity, because it might be the Final Immunity and I am cautiously optimistic that if I can just make FTC, I can win this whole thing. If I win immunity, I'm voting out Caeleb with Benj and Tom, who will... kicking and screaming have to vote with me ajkdslfa.

I think no matter what, I'll be able to go to firemaking this round at worst, since I think Benj is firmly in my corner. And I've been dominant in challenges thus far, and could hopefully continue to do so? We will see ahh.

I just desperately want to win immunity this round, because then I can vote Caeleb out and drag Tom to F3. mwahahahahahahahahahaha. HE WILL HAVE TO SIT WITH ME IN A FINAL THREE, like it or not!

I'm literally so close to FTC this is gonna drive me insane. If its a F3, I think I'm literally a challenge away from winning this season, I could truly SCREAM hnnnnnnnnnngh.

youtube

There's so much riding on this next immunity challenge. Like so much. And i just realized that I have no won immunity since Merge and everyone else left has, so umm here's hoping.

I WON FINAL IMMUNITY OH MY GOD. i literally.. my heart was pump pumping so fast, when Caeleb won the first two rounds I literally was gonna throw up/throw something/throw a fit.

But HNNNGH I won (and I filmed my reaction, which I'll upload), and I need to vote off Caeleb in my opinion. Benj is a king, but he hasn't done as much as me in this game, and Tom is solidly getting third place I think at this stage, so I think I have a great shot.

IM SO CLOSE ASKLDFAF. I COULD LITERALLY WIN A TUMBLR SURVIVOR SEASON WHAT IS THIS LIFE.

I know that this game is an emotional mess. And HELL I have been an emotional mess. But this I think is the first time that I'm actually angry. 6 immunity wins? Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell? I coulda made it to FTC, and like I'm not done yet I'll keep fighting so hopefully I can make it. But in normal circumstances I would be there. I just. Am so. Livid. There's no strategy involved when you can't vote someone out consistently. Now I have to fight tooth and nail just to have a shot and go against the freakin contender to win. Like its so disheartening, and Ali is a sweet guy sure, but he hasn't even made half the moves I have. His biggest move and most unexpected? Voting out Julia. If I get my chance to make it to FTC I'll have a lot to say, but I don't think its looking up for me at this point.

youtube

this is the worst video i've ever filmed nobody watch this

I CANT BELIEVE I MADE F3 AGAIN!!!!!

WOWOWOWOW

and with Ali our day 1 duo actually did it WTF?

Tom king too the anzacs made it

I know im losing but its been SO FUN!!

Good memories only

Okay so... FTC was yesterday, and I kind of want to do a final wrap up confessional, just to kind of bring some personal closure.

So it seems unless a lot shifts, that I am decisively going to win this game. I'm so unbelievably excited, I've literally only ever come second in survivor games, so to have finally snatched the win genuinely means a lot. It shows me that 2019 truly has been a year of real emotional growth for me, and the personal roadblocks I've put in front of myself that have cost me games in the past, have been lifted and I have my act together much much more.

FTC was... just such a weird experience yesterday, I always get dragged at FTCs, particularly live ones. I've only done two ever (Athena: All Stars and BB Pokemon: Orre) and both times, not a single juror spoke positively about my game that was present. To have jurors come on, and say that I unequivocally played the best was such a bizarre experience, but I love all the jurors so much and their high estimation of me is genuinely so flattering.

With that said, FTC was also a really rough experience. I love Benj and Tom with my full heart, and watching Tom get relentlessly told he was rude was tricky because I know how good of a guy he really is, and how well he meant with everyone. Benj was rough because... it seems I just outplayed him, and him mentioning our duo in his opening statement when I didn't at all... was really rough because I felt partly at fault for his dragging. I just love both of them, so it was hard.

I also feel bad for what I was like in confessionals this season, from memory at some point, I went in on JJ, Mo and Caeleb in confessionals, and while I apologised for all, I still feel awful that I let myself get so worked up in this game to sort of snap at them? Like Mo is a genuine friend of mine, so the fact that he wrote like... a sentence and I got so pressed is really stupid, I love Mo so much and hope I can make it up to him. Caeleb I got so mad at after the Jones' idol play for literally no reason... like he outplayed me that round, and its so pathetic that I got mad at him for that. I think Caeleb played a PHENOMENAL game, and did so well.

If I had to predict the POTS of the season, I would say my top three would be Jones, Caeleb and Mitch. Jones is... Jones, she is so likable and has such charisma and hold over people, and her idol play was arguably the most impressive move of the season. Caeleb was someone I underestimated to such at the start of merge, but he played such an impressive middle game, and would've had my vote if I was voted out at F3. Mitch it sounds like was hated by the jury, but I think he played amazingly? Like he has been a target since F20, his name was thrown out so many times, and I just think he did so good? I lowkey think he would be my player of the season to be honest.

I wanna talk about the other jurors particularly that I haven't really referenced in this. Alex is someone I somehow feel most guilty about voting out? He is just such a genuinely good guy, and I think I had this preconceived notion of him as like a gamebot, when he is just so wholesome, I can't wait for him to return, and make single digits. scratch that, I can't wait for him to return and WIN.

I also wanna talk about Jules. I am such a Jules warrior? Like... such a Jules warrior? They were such a pleasure to work with, and I just love them so much. I did them dirty by not idoling them/telling them they were going, but they are someone I have SO much time, love and respect for.

Who else, omg JASON! He was the perfect final juror for yesterday's FTC, someone who went easy on Tom who needed that, and just... is such a wholesome good guy, I love Jason.

Anyway, this is already really, really long so I need to wrap this up. I just want to say how happy this season has made me, and how much of a pleasure its been apart of. I joined the ORG community right before a lot of messy personal stuff came my way, and a lot of my org memories are tied to that. I used to let my personal drama get itself interwoven in my games, and I would just be so emotional. To have a game where I could play hard, cracked and WELL, and just have fun has been such a pleasure, and Im so emo about it.

I just wanna thank the hosts again too, I literally am a full on Asya, Drew, Johnny and Seamus WARRIOR, I love all four of them for hosting my favourite org experience EVER, its been amazing. I've been such a crackhead, was the only OG Budva Tumblr Survior newbie to make merge, spammed my host chat with an unbelievable number of messages, been AWFUL at the bridge idol hunt system yet ended up with two idols, been a crackhead (bears repeating because of how much of a mess i was), its been... a time KLADSF

But yes. I just have had a phenomenal time, crackheads are gonna crackhead and this brit is joining the tumblr survivor royal family, and I truly could not be more excited.

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ilygsd · 6 years

Text

200918: 1

someone fuck me in the asshole honestly im shocked how can this dude NOT UNDERSTAND??? hes really good at cognitive empathy, he has a nice moral compass he follows ”be kind, be nice” but he cant fucking FEEL what hes doing

and like....... thats important to me??? and apaprebtly NO ONE has ever criticized him for it or whatever? like his ”intentions”?? ofc he cant help he doesnt feel emotional empathy but he literally cant spot the DIFFERENCE!!! he’s like ”as long as im kind and a nice human being” like bitch NOO!!!! i like you!!! you ”like” me, but you like me bc u think im interesting and you think we can learn from each other. which also is important OF COURSE!! but BITCH I LIKE YOU BC I FEEL FOR YOU THATS DIFFERENT

we’ve known each other for like 3 weeks, met 5 times and we’ve already had 3 major fights??? mainly over text/phone but still.... he’s so fycking mean? he really tries to manipulate me that ugly fucking whore!!! he guilt trips me all the fuxking time i cant say anything he’ll explode and i need to apologize or some shit otherwisw it would never end. and i know what the fuck he’s doing because i used to be the exact same. honestly we are similar in many aspecrs EXCEPT for the ”feel”-part. i feel TOO MUCH. and the difference is that im not manipulating him.... because i KNOW i cant. i know he’d see right through me, there’s no POINT

like i used to be like that too, maybe i still am. i ALWAYS win fights, no mercy. its like i turn off my empathy during fights but AT LEAST i feel AFTERWARDS!!! he doesnt. he realize he did wrong bc of his ”morality”. bitch i could CRY, because he literally scolded me over phone when i was on the bus and there was NOTHING i could do to stop him. i tried to talk to him but he only continues cus i fkn refuse to oBEY HIS ORDERS??? but i cant hang up either cus then he’d never talk to me again and i’d feel like shit......

he’s pretty calm irl, ive never seen him angry irl and i hope i never will holy SHIT!!! he’s so good at hurting, like he turns everything youve ever said to him against you. he’s so fucking good at it cus he’s so god damn good at reading people. thats what makes him so charming. i DONT UNDERSTAND how can his precious girlfriends not have CARED??? apparently i’m the first to criticize him and one of the few to trigger him and im like..... bruh how?? i literally dont say anything and you fucking explode?? are your family and friends blind??? are you doing this to me because you THINK the manipulation will work??

also...... he sees it as something positive that sick bastard. hes like ”well i think this could be good” and im like ”uhhhh bitch it is I who get scolded???” and hems like ”but i feel and too :((” he’s such a fkn dumbass. this is his politics too. he believes in reverse racism and is probably sexist too smhhh. i was like ”are u dumb, u hit me in the face and tell me its bad for you too bc u feel vad abt hitting me??”

i am impressed by how he chose to ve ”kind” or whatever instead of psycho even though i still think he’s selfish and does it for his own gain aka he LOVES to learn things, experience things. he’s very ambitious, energetic and curious. but he doesnt understand. he’s like ”well im kind to you thats all that matters?”

the thing is, he’s not even kind??? he basically forced me to taste his disgusting vanilla coffee OTHERWISE he would take the blanket away??? he sees it as teasing and it kind of is yeah..... if i didnt know that his 1000% serious?? he honestly think its a ducking compromose?? im lile ”uhh a improvisera would be for me to taste a little coffee and then you to give me another blanket or AT LEAST stop nagging”

and when i finally tasted the ugly coffee he wanted to know if i thought it was good and i said ”yeah its ok” bc im not a liar, it was better than expected. and hes like ”thats all i wanted to hear” I KNOW BITCH, YOURE NOT THAT FUCKING SLICK ITS PRETTY FKN OBVIOUS

also he always adds rules??? everythings always on his conditions? also he kinda thinks i should be thankful for him not being an asshole??? or maybe its that i actually VRITICIZE his intentions. yeah i think that brothers him. i think he thinks it entertaining because he doesnt care when he get angry. i didnt use to either. i could just forget te fight and move on, it wasnt important to me. but fuck now when i KNOW what its like......

im like ”ur threatening me to drink coffee” and hes like ”arent u happy i put extra much vanilla for you?? i usually drink much stronger but i didnt for u? arent u happy i gave u the blanket? i actually was goong to put it on the couch and leave u cold but i didnt?” BUT HE ONLY PUT ECTRA VANILLA SO I WPULD TELL HIM IT TASTES GOOD SO HIS EGO CAN BE BOOSTED

calso he kinda forced me to drink alohol?? i was like ”im feeling like shit if i throw up its tour fault and you will have to clean up” and he’s like ”no you’ll have to clean up” BITCH I SONT EVEN WANT TO DRINK YOURE PUSHING ME

soooo many red flags fuck i really SHOULD leave now when i can and now when im not too emotionally invested. but oMG IM SO CURIOUS!!! we’re so similar yet so different!!! we can relate to each other in some ways the bad thing is that since he actually cant FEEL empathy, he doesnt BELEIVE me even when i tell him the truth. im not sad bc i want to manipulate him. im not even sad that his words are huetful even though they are, because i know he’s fucking weong. im sad because he treats me lile this. im sad because i like HIM!!! i genuinely LIKE HIM!! but he doesnt fucking understand?? he doesnt understand the difference between LIKING someone and LIKING to HANG OUT with someone. i like him because i like HIM I FEEL HIM, he only likes to hang out with me.

he talks about this as ”his way” and ”bot traditional” way of feeling. his version and definition of ”love” and ”affvtion” is so fucking weird??? we were cuddling and he said ”wow u make me feel more” LMAO BULLSHIT. I CALL FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU ONLY SAY THAT CUS U THINK THATS WHAT I WANT TO HEAR

im partly okay with him being low empathy, he cant help it and i actually genuinely believe he believes he’s doing the RIGHT thing. like he believes it so much and... i guess he is?? like what choice does he have? he cant fucking feel, the least he can do is be kind anyways. he cant help that its not genuine and i guess i’ll have to accept that, but i al NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THOSE CHEAP TRICKS. i didnt say anything but i bet he would even understand if i pointed it out. he’d be like ”but its true!! i feel more with you” no bitch, you only say/think that because you WANT to be with me and now when you know thats what i want to hear thats what you say. smhhh

also i remember in the beginning when i kinda confessed and he was like ”it takes time for me to like someone” and in like???? uhhh okay? and i was anxious abt it cus i really didnt understand what the fuck we were and he just kept ”it takes time for me to like someone” to i was like ”okay but its not like im super super deeply in love with you or anything?? like.... i can like people??” BUT NOW I FUCKING UNDERSTAND HE LITERALLY MEANS BASIC ASS EMPATHY. IT TAKES TIME FOR HIM TO FEEL BASIC ASS EMPATHY FOR OTHER PEOPLE

i just dint understand how the fuck he’s able to still have a family and friends and stuff. how..... how can no one care??? i said ”theyre being manipulated” and hes like ”no i just dont think they care. they just like that im kind and dont think much abt it” but both youre not kind??? but when i tell im its not genuine he goes with the ”well we’re all egoists anyqays, we’re all doing things for ourselves, ur egoist too” yeah but i can still FEEL

i dont wanna be a dick. maybe its just me?? maybe its just because i feel so much and thats why i really NEED that genuine feeling?? no, i know why...... fuCK ME!!! i CARE because i like him 😔😔 bc i think hes so smart and interesring and i see him as someone potential and thats why i keep test him like this 😔 and its for no use because i cant change who he is 😔😔 would i care about these things with some other guy??? no. because i sont care abt them, but i care abt him and thats why 😔😔

hes not even guilt tripping me for it (wow ”yay” ) he just doesnt understand. he doesnt understand the difference or why i find it important. he just sees it as ”him being different” and ”him feeling in another way”. thats not it. this is not normal. this is because of childhood trauma and im so fucking sad for you, no offense, youre doing tour best but thats so sad

well anyways, even if i were to accept his WEIRD ASS DEFINITION OF LOVE he STILL needs to fucking stop with his abuse??????!!!! out of the 3 fights he has told me 2 times he’s going to ”try” but bitch WE KNOW HE WONT. HE CANT! HE CANT BECAUSE HE CANT FEEL WHEN ITS ENOUGH. IF HE FELT EMPATHY HE WOULD KNOW WHEN TO STOP. BUT HE CANT. im just waiting for him to explode someday. i literally asked him ”what should i do next time” and he’s like ”idk, i cant tell you what to do”. omg its true. theres nothing i can do, he’d still be so pissed at me no matter what. and me just asking him is such a BIG RED FLAG like we ALL KNOW.... or not him. he’s like ”maybe we wont fight” LMAO HAHAH YEA BITCH NICE TRY BUT WE WILL BC U START IT

hes so fucking sensitive. we had a misunderstanding, he started to scold me, i got mad and he kept gaslighting ”no i didnt scold you” and when i called him out on gaslighhting..... oh boy...... he got SO FUCKING MA, accuses ME of gaslighting him?? accuses me of ”starting” it with my ”passie aggressiveness” ok maybe i was passive aggressive but i WOULDNT IF HE DIDNT SCOLD ME ABOUT IT. i cant ever criticize him because he goes bananas. ok maybe im not the best to criticize others, im very....... bold. BUT I KNOW IM RIGHT??

last time he got angry because i said ”ppl listen to you bc ur a white man” and he started to bring up his childhood, told me im insensitive, theeatened me to hang up, never talk to me again if i didnt ”respect” him aka ”obey” him, he guilt truppen me, told me no one would want to me with me blah blah blah

a part of me is happy u dont really fall for that bullshit. like yes if course im HURT!!! but as i said, im not really hurt because he really is trying to hurt me. he really WANTS to hurt me. he even takes pride in it?? ”im very good at making people feel very good, and im very good at making people feel very bad” it makes me so FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I LIKE HIM I WANT HIM TO SEE AND UNDERSTAND SO HE CAN GROW, THAT IS EMPATHY PEOPLE, THAT IS GENUINE LOVE

we’re so different. we use completely different tactics. when i used to manipulate my ex.... i NEVER did personal attacks like he does. i never used smth personal AGAINST them.... i was more about.... guilt tripping? more about ”u dont love me, pity me”. im not saying thats good, i was horrible but what he does is just MEAN. i dont understand how anyone can keep up with that kind of behavior. i even told him when we fought and he responded ”well i need to keep up with u”. he always does that and that actually hurts because i like him. and he knows that. he always says ”ive been sitting here, listening to you, been kind to you and....” etc. etc

WHYYYYYY am i the only one criticizing him?? WHY is he like this to me? is it because i see through his ugly acting?? is it even possible for us to ever be healthy together? we can learn from each other, no doubt. but is it healthy???

when i tell him i feel bad bc of horrible manipulative and emotional abusive things ive done he understand but hes like...... ”thats ok dont be so hard on yourself, just learn, everyone makes mistakes” but like no?? THIS IS NOT OKAY!!! he also keeps saying i’ll become like him and like ”stop caring” bc ”we cared too much before” but NO I DONT WANT TO BECOME LIKE YOU!! I ADMIRE YOUR THINKING SKILLS AND ID LIKE TO LEARN SOME OF THAT BC WERE POLAR OPPOSITES YOU THINK, I FEEL. YOU CANT FEEL, I CANT THINK AND HANDLE MY FEELINGS

i dont WANT to. thats the difference. im not satisfiera!!! i told him i dont want to apologize to my ex best friend (who i treated like shit) until it feels GENUINE and hes like ”pfft... its better than nothing. she wont know if its genuine anyways” and im like bitch.... i WANT to be genuine because i think she would appreciate it more and I would feel better about it and hes like ”oh so its cus u wanna feel good about it” OH MY GOD HES SO ANNOYING

i really should pack mt bags and run. why did i have to fall for him UGHHHHH. why do i let him treat me like this when i’d never let ANYONE else do it. its so weird, im very picku with guys. i dont fall for ANYONE. i ALWAYS pick nice and kind guys so why him? i thought he was nice, yeah fair enough, but i still like him even though he isnt? i dont think its me being awfullt desperate, i really wouldnt let anyone be like this. like BOY HE BEKIEVES IN FUXKING REVERSE RACISM DO YALL THINK I WOULD HANG IUT WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT??? or maybe i am desperate. yes i am. im desperate for the connection i feel. thats kinda sad. i feel a strong bond to/with him, i feel like we’ve been through some things and i still look up to him and how he has recovered. he gives me hope that i can also be happy one day. I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE HIM but i still want to learn from him. and i sont think i will ve like him because im not a sociopath. i just want to take the good stuff and then become better

omg i really am similar to him. im really here feeling superior. i do feel superior because i can feel. i feel superior and a part of me wants to use him. hes a real challenge. i dont think i can maniplate him, it would be amazing to have him feel something for me...... IH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH A FUCKING MESS. NO THIS IS NOT IT. I DO LIKE HIM IM NOT LIKE HIM. IM NOT THAT FUCKED UP

i get really annoyed when he claims im similar that i also want to control and manipulate and im like NO BITCH WERE SIMILAR BUT NOT HERE, like not when im trying to be calm and grown up and have us silver things, not when im crying because he huet my feelings but................ maybe hes right. or maybe hes just manipulating me??? maybe its both. ofc its both. i WAS HURT, i actually HAD anxiety!!!! if that bastard could feel, he would have known it was GENUIKE. AND HE WOULD HAVE KNOWN IM TRYING TO BE CALM AND AN ASULR BECAUSE HE SURE AS HELL FUXKING ISNT AND I ACTUALLY LIKE YOU BITCH I WANT TO SOLVE THIS FOR MY OWN SAKW TOO SO I CAN BE WITH YOU WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A CHEAP WHORE WITH NO SELF RESPECT.... BUT YES OF COURSE I WANTED HIM TO FEEL FOR ME TOO. IT DISTURBS ME SO MUCH THAR I DONT HAVE AN EFFECT ON HIM HEA LIKE A STONE AND OFC IF ANYONE SAW US FIGGT I’D LOOK LIKE THE CALM ONE. hes wrong though bc i used to think like that too with my ex bff. i used to think damn shes only like that so she can feel superior to be and humiliate me but no. she was right. she was more mature than me and she did what she had to do AND THATS WHAT IM DOIKG TO SO FUCK YOU

only way for me to manipulate him would be sexually. he’s that pathetic. a fucking horny dick, thats what he is. but it wouldnt even be manipulation because honestly if hes that fucking horny then its his choice. its not like i’d ever r*pe him, i dont even wanna have sex with him that guy has some HIGH STANDARDS i feel like a virgin next to him but since im not he would also expect more smh. i dont even dare to kiss him back. im only used to virgins so they dont have any experience lmao but... fuck i cant this time

he’s so cockt though for real. he brags about this and that all the time which is kind of his charm..... if it wasnt for the fact that hes always so competitive and serious LMAO. like it would really hurt his ego if i questioned him. imagine me telling him his sex, kisses, brain/psychology or smth was bad. i swear to god he would want to scold me and call me some real nasty things but he probably wouldnt

#diary #jo

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