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heyidkyay · 2 years ago

Text

And if it weren't this dark |

(Tip of the tongue but I can't deliver it properly)

Part Two

A/N: Hey! Finally here with a part two, not sure if it'll live up to expectations but here's hoping? Thank you for all the love on the first part, you're all so lovely!:)

Summary: You and Alex have been together for ages and it's been so incredible, only now things have changed and you're struggling to tell him just how you feel.

Taglist: @froileinuhrwerk @gweaswift @ladydraculasthings

Part One

"I want a baby, Alex."

My words seemed to ring out in the silent hallway.

And the two of us, we just stood there, in a complete standstill.

I don’t know how much time passed by, it could’ve been seconds, or even minutes. But it felt like an entire millennia.

And Alex, he didn’t dare move, his fingers still caught tightly on the latch whilst I stared lamely at his back, tears staining my reddened cheeks.

How had it come to this? To an ultimatum and a silent stalemate.

I couldn’t even fathom the thought of Alex finding out like this. Like he had. Of us arguing over something that could’ve easily been solved by us just talking! But I’d gone and let my fear rule me, once again. Only this time around, Alex wasn’t there to save the day.

No, he’d been on the firing end of my bullet.

My mouth opened helplessly to say something, to draw him back in, to have him understand, but I couldn’t find the words to speak, let alone an excuse to to defend my actions. There were none that would make up for this. For how badly I’d fucked up here.

I pressed my lips together instead as another round of tears puddled along my waterline, they stung my nose and filled my ears. I wanted to say something, anything, but I couldn’t find the strength to do it. I just couldn’t, and that alone... it killed me.

I don’t know if was just dumb luck or divine timing, but the phone rung then. Its arrogant sound filled the eerily quiet flat that had since settled around us like the sand did after a dessert storm, and the two of us seemed to startle upon hearing it.

I swallowed tightly and Alex’s hand fell limply to his side.

I waited, and I waited. For him to turn, to say something, to… I don’t even know what I was actually waiting for. But whatever it was, it never came, and the phone only continued to ring.

It rang and it rang until then it just stopped. And the silence which followed it was deafening. It practically swallowed us whole.

I physically jumped when it started back up again- apparently whoever was calling really wanted to get ahold of one of us. I had no clue as to who it could’ve possibly been, but I didn’t particularly care. Even so, if it was only going to keep ringing and Alex wasn’t going to give me a proper reply, then at least I could use this as a distraction. A lifeline. Something to fill the emptiness that cluttered my head.

Almost without thought I felt myself turn and let my feet carry me in the direction of the living room.

I counted the steps as I went. One. Two, three. Four… And by the time I made it to the doorway I saw that it was mine. It was my phone that was ringing.

I stared at it for a long second, watched it vibrate against the glass of the coffee table and with a deep inhale, I trailed across the rug to pick it up.

Wiping at my stuffy nose and wet eyes, I went to answer it. But it was too late. I was too late. The ringer went dead in my hands and I felt my eyes fall shut, knees giving way out under me. And suddenly, I felt so drained, so defeated.

But it wasn’t down to the phone, the call I’d gone and missed. I knew that.

It was the fact that I’d finally told him.

That I’d told him and there'd been nothing. He’d given me nothing.

I collapsed onto the settee, letting my head slip into my empty hands, phone discarded somewhere beside me. How had it come to this?

Why?

We’d been so good. The best we’d been in a long while. He was finally home. I was working out of the spare bedroom. We had time together. We were finally in the same fucking timezone for more than just a couple days! And there wasn’t a need for FaceTime calls or late night/early morning texts! We were together.

And this… this had just gone and fucked it all up. I had gone and fucked it all up.

Maybe if I’d just left things be, if I didn’t have this unnecessary need to control absolutely everything in my life. If I’d just told him…

I swallowed thickly and my heart all but jumped up to my throat when suddenly I picked up on the faint sound of shuffling out in the hallway. It was Alex, that was for certain. I just had no idea what it was that he was doing, but he was obviously doing something.

I tried not to think too hard about the blackhole that was swirling about in my chest as I ceased my breathing altogether just so I could listen in closer. Or the quickening of my pulse when I played out every single possible scenario that could happen from here on out.

Worst came to worst, that sound was Alex plucking up the courage to finally leave.

If I hoped hard enough, maybe it was just him hanging up his jacket.

I didn’t have to wait long before it all transpired. I held my baited breath whilst I listened intently to his every move. There was a small scuff, the ratting sound of keys being dropped or picked up- I couldn’t make out. But then there was the soft pad of feet near the living room’s doorway and my head instantly lifted up to find Alex stood there, staring straight back at me.

A rush of relief flooded through my every nerve when his dark brown eyes found mine and I gave him a shaky exhale in return. He was studying me, that much was evident, through hooded lids and with a concealed mind, but I couldn’t get a proper read on him. On what he might’ve been feeling. Thinking. I couldn’t concentrate on that though, only on the sight of him still stood there. Still sticking around for me.

I couldn’t even find it in me to release the rest of the air I’d been clinging onto when he finally moved again, drifting over towards the settee to take perch on the chair opposite me. His head slightly hung, elbows on distanced knees, eyes now trained to the floor.

The silence crackled around us, electrifying the air and only added to my anxiety. I wanted to reach out, to take his hand in my, but that wasn’t how this got to work. He was the one who got to be upset, angry even. And he had every right to be, I’d fucked up here. I’d kept secrets.

Big ones, too.

I had to let Alex make the first move, I wouldn’t let myself cock this up anymore than I already had.

It took a while, I wasn’t sure how long exactly, but it had just been a while before Alex finally stirred. Shifted I guess, dragging his eyes up to scour the expression I wore so openly on my face. I wondered what he saw. What he thought of me now.

“A baby.”

And that was all he had to say.

I fish-mouthed for a second, blinking as my mind tried to rewire itself, to catch up to where he was seemingly at.

“Uh.” Was the only sound that spilled from me, stupid I know, though I was quick to save myself. Albeit not by much. “Yeah, yes, Al. A baby.”

The words sounded so foreign in my mouth, so strange to utter. But they were out there now, I supposed. So I just had to wait and see what he made of it all.

God, I really wanted to scream. Release some of the agonising tension that shrouded me. It itched and made me feel so uncomfortable. One emotion I’d never ever felt in the presence of Alex before.

“Right.” He murmured in turn, attention flitting over towards the window, outside and away from me.

I swallowed again, then looked down to see that my hands were trembling a tad. They always tended to whenever I worked myself up too much.

My gaze darted away from them though the second Alex inhaled sharply enough to garner my focus and I watched as he rubbed at his temples, a knowing sign that he probably had a migraine coming on.

I chewed my lower lip and dragged the sleeves of the top I wore over my fisted hands to keep from reaching out.

“Christ.” Alex hissed under his breath and I saw him work his jaw just the once before he tilted his head towards me. “Fucking hell, darlin’." He breathed out before he went on, "Always with the dramatics, ey?Thought you were leaving me! Been cheating or something.”

My eyes widened on their own accord and I couldn’t quite hide my indignant scoff. “As if I ever would.”

Alex just shook his head at me though, and I was surprised by the disbelieving chuckle that escaped him. “Jesus.” He dragged out, rubbing at his chin whilst finally, finally looking at me. “A baby?”

His question was hushed, whispered almost, and so I nodded carefully, a little fearful to admit it out loud to him again.

Alex’s eyes fell shut at my admission and I felt that panic rising within me again. Flooding, rushing, and seeping out of my every pore. I rushed to reassure him somehow. In the only way I really could.

“But you know, it’s not for definite." I immediately told him, shifting forward in my seat almost unaware. "And it’s not a decision that I’ve just jumped on and not thought about, alright? Like, it’s not something that’ll make or break us. It’s just something that I’ve been thinking a lot about. But if you don’t want kids, that’s fine, Al. That’s perfectly fine and we just won’t end up going down that path, okay? We can do other things. Like travel the world and spend all our money in shitty casinos and on private beaches, yeah? Lots of couples don’t start families, right? And they’re all happy enough. I reckon we could be too. You’re not bad company, I 'spose. I mean I’ve stuck with you this long…”

I found that my words begun to dwindle when I caught on to the fact that I’d been staring into a lost gaze. And aimlessly, I opted for a mere shrug as I trailed off. Hoping it would keep the build up of tears I could feel slowly wearing me down from out of my voice.

“Yeah, well.” I wrapped up, wringing my shaking fingers in my lap whilst I gazed hopelessly back at him. I had nothing else to do but wait.

My rant, although having spiralled, did hold a lot of truth. Yes, I wanted a baby, a child with Alex. Someone who was made up of both him and me. But I also knew, wholeheartedly, that I’d give up that dream if it meant losing him. If Alex turned around right this second and told me he didn’t want kids then I’d simply nod and that would be the end of it. I’d be heartbroken, of course. But a whole lot less heartbroken than I would be if I lost him completely. It’d always been him and me. Always.

And that future I’d dreamt of meant nothing without him there with me.

“But you do.”

I frowned, brow pinching at Alex’s words.

“I, what?” I questioned him, lost now from the disarray my mind had worked itself into.

“You want a baby.” Alex stated. It wasn’t a question, or him wanting a reassurance from me. It was the truth and just that.

I stared back at him. A reel of memories replaying through the forefront of my mind. Us, young, dumb and happy. Us, skint and sad. Us, back at school. Us, round his. Us, on the tour bus. Us, in hotels. Just us.

I could only nod at him, letting my chin drop once. Words escaping me and unable to tear my eyes away.

Alex said nothing. Didn’t utter a single word for a minute or two. And I’d almost begun vibrating in my seat to keep from saying anything too, from moving to join him. To simply ask what the fuck was going through his mind!

But then he’d jumped right up off the settee and clapped his hands, startling the shit out of me.

“Right then, best get to it.”

“Eh?”

I stared up at him, watched as an insufferable smirk walked itself onto his lips and as his feet manoeuvred their way around the coffee table that separated us. The closer he got, the bigger his grin grew. And the more bewildered I was.

“Alex, what- what are you on about?” I questioned him when he took my left hand in his, allowing his touch to soothe me and letting him be there. Just there within my hold. “Al?”

Alex merely tugged me up onto my feet and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me in impossibly close, his nose meeting mine as his brown eyes tore their way into my very soul. He could see every part of me and I just let him because that was how we’d always worked. Him and me.

“Al…” I whispered again, heart pounding as his gaze flittered back and forth between my own. That smirk of his widening enough to turn into a toothy sort of grin. One I adored, and one only ever meant for me.

“If you want this baby then I reckon we’d best get right on it, hey?” Alex murmured to me, the touch of him made set my skin alight and made me question how I’d ever thought he’d walk away. “Might take us some time though... Reckon this first go could take all night. And even then we’ll probably have to keep at it. For your sake, of course.”

I found myself feeling effortlessly lighter as an airy laugh escaped me, so bewildered by the sudden turn of events.

“My sake?” I couldn’t help but ask him, savouring his feathered touch and squinted stare. His hands erupted goosebumps up the length of my spine and his breath on my lips almost made me shiver.

“Oh, love. You’ve asked and so I’ll deliver.” Alex shot right back, nudging the tip of my nose with his own. “So,” He murmured against my mouth, fingertips toying with the hem of my trousers, “If you’ve got no place else to be…”

I gave him a giddy grin then immediately leant forward to kiss him, hands tangling in the roots of his dark hair and laughing wildly when he lifted me up off my feet.

“Alex!” I cried out, but he just drew me back in, biting at my bottom lip to cease my endless giggles.

Which evidently worked, and in turn he let my fingers slowly dance their way down the side of face, running over the curve of his cheek and through the scruff of his jaw. He relented then and let go, gazing back at me so openly. So full of love. I took his chin between my forefinger and thumb so that I could press a gentle peck to his lips this time around and murmured three words that would forever be true.

“I love you.”

Alex smiled down at me.

“Love you, too, cherry. Don’t question that.”

I hummed, my eyes roaming across every inch of his face. And I leant in once more, legs wrapped perfectly around his torso, so that I could whisper, “You gonna come through on that promise of yours, Turner, or am I stuck shafted with all the hard work?”

His eyes narrowed at the challenge and before I could even make sense of it all, we were halfway down the hall, the two of us laughing like nothing in the world could ever hurt us. Like the argument hadn’t even occurred. As though we hadn’t just agreed to start a family together.

A family.

My heart skipped a beat at the very thought and I could only smile happily when Alex kicked the bedroom door swiftly shut behind us.

Let round one commence, I supposed.

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