#archivum rambles

[thearchivum]

This is so schizoid with histrionic features. To me.

[thearchivum]

Personally, I think these statements coexist for us. We're not separate people with separate lives - we can't be, we share a body after all. But separate entities? Yes! Different facets of one brain. Different parts of one puzzle. We all form one image of one person, but we're still different sections of that image. That's how I think of it!

- 🍾

“Stop thinking of alters as separate people” this and “alters are each there own different entities that shouldn’t be blended” that

How about we let each system decide what feels best to them and stop policing systems that are already dealing with a very complex and varying disorder

[thearchivum]

Being the host of a system is like:

I am the manager of this business. I am responsible for 18 other people, and making sure that they get along. It is my responsibility to take the business in a trajectory that not only makes me happy, but suits everyone else, as well, because there's a catch! None of us get to ACTUALLY quit. You might be able to throw off your uniform and walk out, but there's nothing but the void out there, and you might find yourself in that emptiness for decades.

Not only am I managing these people, but I am also the face that all customers see, because no one is allowed to know that there are actually 18 other employees here.

Also, sometimes a stranger will walk into the place and throw on a uniform. I am not allowed to turn them away, or tell them they can't work here. All I can do is make sure they get along well. Sometimes, employees I love will walk out, and I don't ever get to know when they'll return.

Sometimes, an employee will take my nametag and uniform and pretend to be me to interact with customers. I don't always get to decide when this happens, nor do I get to decide what they do. I may not even get to be in the room. Sometimes this is helpful, sometimes it is devastating.

Sometimes, I will be stuck at the front counter even after closing hours. I will watch employees cycle in and out of the break room, unable to leave myself. This is also an unpredictable shift.

Sometimes the entire building is so noisy that it feels debilitating, but there is no quiet place I can go to. Sometimes, I want to work alone, I want to own this business myself, but there is nowhere else for me or the others to go. I have to suck it up, and learn to be okay with sharing.

But wait, there's more! At all times, there are at least three employees who are unpredictably trying to set the business on fire.

I don't get paid to run this business. I have run it my whole life, it IS my whole life. I love my job, and the other employees, but sometimes it exhausts me, and most customers do not understand. They are allowed to come and go from our establishment, after all, and they do not have to manage a secret business.

[thearchivum]

Is there a general consensus on alters having personality disorders that the rest of the system doesn't?

We have one alter who shows a lot of symptoms of NPD, and their trauma, I believe, aligns with how NPD is formed and a lot of the core difficulties associated with it. But I do not think that we have NPD bodily, it is just them.

Is it possible for one alter to have NPD when the body doesn't, or is it seen like autism, where there may be a difference in symptoms, but everyone has it?

-☕

[thearchivum]

Sometimes, I feel bad that our system isn't more aesthetically pleasing, or palatable. Differing sources, aesthetics, etc., make me sometimes feel chaotic and like I'm just faking.

But, on the other hand, I know all of them represent their traumas or the roles they fill. Whatever form they have isn't random or something I chose for fun, it's pertinent to the reason for their existence. A system doesn't exist to be pretty, it exists to survive. I am trying to remember to honour that.

[thearchivum]

It's a pretty wide myth that the five stages of grief happen in sequential order. They certainly don't, even for non-systems, nor are there really five, neat stages. Grief is really a messy, confusing, unique process. To try and sum it up in a linear process with orderly stages is far too gracious.

That said, I feel like our system is forever stuck in denial. Not only when it comes to grieving people, but the things that have happened to us. Denial masked as acceptance. Many of us have no recollection at all, or very fuzzy understanding. I thought I handled my grandparents passing well, until I realized five months later that I'd entirely forgotten it had happened.

It's always this emptiness. This immediate discard of any emotion attached to the situation. I never process it, I just have the illusion of having healed, whilst trauma holding alters get perpetually stuck in anger, depression, and bargaining. Regardless of how long it has been, be it a month or two years, it's entirely possible that an alter will switch in to feel grief and pain I was entirely unaware existed in me. And I'll forever be stuck with the knowledge that grief, and by extension the healing of it, will be out of my reach.

All of this to say, anyways, that I relate. I see you.

✒️

No one talks about grieving with D.I.D, and how badily it affects your entire system. Like people without D.I.D keep telling us that we are going through the five stages of grief etc and that you go through them in order, but for us it feels like its something that constantly restarts itself and loops due to switches.

Like no matter how much we think that we are finnaly at the acceptance stage it feels like we go right back to denial again.

I am NOT saying feeling this way automatically equals having D.I.D, but us feeling this way is most likely because of that.

Can anyone else relate??

[thearchivum]

Trying to remember something that's been blocked from me, even if it was just last night, feels like a moment of nostalgia that I can't place. I know there's something there, but I don't know what. Maybe I can grasp fleeting fragments, if I really try. It's always on the tip of my tongue. But I just. Can't. Remember.

[thearchivum]

It's weird not knowing whether or not I have always been the host. I do not know which memories are wholly mine, or if they're someone who might not exist now, or someone whom I have stepped into the shoes of. I would like to believe it has always been me, but I don't think I will ever know.

[thearchivum]

>[Here is a friendly reminder!

Sometimes it's okay if it's not perfect, or entirely complete. If you can only pick up your clothes, or take the dishes out, rather than cleaning the whole room all at once. That's okay! I'm proud of you!

If you can only doodle, rather than draw a full picture. If you can only grab a granola bar, rather than a whole breakfast. It's still worth it! You are still worth it.]

[thearchivum]

I just want to add that by saying an alter must be formed due to stress or hardship, it does not mean that you have to be actively experiencing or feeling said stress and hardship. It also doesn't have to be a necessarily devastating hardship.

Being mentally ill is a hardship, but it gets the point that it is normal and unnoticeable most of the time. You can feel completely fine a considerable amount of the time. Even if it's not actively straining you, however, I think it's possible to split an alter pre-emptively if your brain sees this type of character as fitting to handle it, and knows it's possible that you will have an episode in the future.

You might split an alter to handle past trauma that isn't currently bothering you, but could, just because a fictive closely matches that trauma.

You might even split a fictive just because you've been struggling to do the dishes, but this character in the media you've been watching is someone your brain perceives as being able to do the dishes.

When you have the habit of dissociating from unpleasant experiences, your brain doesn't always know how to differentiate or respond accordingly to "this is a sensation I don't really like" vs. "this is life threatening". It just sees a stressor, minor or major, and does the only thing it knows how to do.

To be clear, I agree with the original post. I also know that it can be easy to dismiss your own experience, and perhaps the experiences of others, based on a very literal and hightened perception of what hardship and stress mean in this case.

✒️

it's important to realize that

"hyperfixations on characters can't cause splitting"

and

"you can have new fictives in media you hyperfixate on"

are statements that can and should co-exist.

the cause of a split is always some sort of stress, trauma, general hardship etc HOWEVER if you are constantly consuming medias that you are hyperfixated on whilst externally going through something there's a high likelihood that you'd get fictives from said media particularly if you are fictive/factive heavy in nature.

[thearchivum]

Being a system majoring/working in STEM is . Weird. Just feels weird. And lonely! Because all the other systems we're close with aren't in uni or are in art fields!!! Which is so cool and I love that for them but where are all the STEM systems!!!!!

[thearchivum]

winter blues today... usually it's not so bad, but even the hosts are exhausted. I'm filling in until later, but it's hard to get out of bed.

[thearchivum]

We think someone switched in last night and messed with our discord, taking all mentions of the system out and privatizing all the pluralkit stuff.

Albedo woke up feeling super blurry and bad today.

We got a whodunnit on our hands! -🔧

[thearchivum]

One of our more interesting names is Keepaway. When Albedo, the host who discovered the system, began uncovering alters, she was one of the first. She is also, supposedly, one of the first alters to ever be present in the system.

All he knew then was that she was a gatekeeper, or rather, that she kept alters away. Simple as that, she became "Keepaway".

It's not really a crazy story, but to me, it's interesting.

Looking for a little advice/guidance about alter names

So, one of us wants to change their name. Get something new. The problem is, it’s not as simple as just picking one that sounds nice. Every one of us has a special reason behind our names. Given by a friend. A placeholder that eventually felt right. An old online username being the first time we were called by a different name. This alter wants that too, a special name that isn’t picked just because

If any of you have got alters with a story behind the name they have, I’d like to hear how it came to be

[thearchivum]

... I think we may have just gotten our first song introject. I have no clue how or why.

[thearchivum]

"Wake up, feel the breeze on your back."

I don't know who said that to me this morning, I think Keepaway, but it was very sweet and I am holding it dear. I can always hear the others way clearer when I'm half-asleep.