#apparently. when they invent a machine that can suck the story right out of my head and onto paper

[otrtbs]

19th century paris opera house ballet dancer regulus and exceedingly wealthy frequent patron of the opera house james potter when ????

[dollarbin]

Shakey Sundays #11:

Ragged Glory Part 2: Smell the Horse

Judging by the impending release of Fu##in' Up (a live version of Ragged Glory recorded live last November by Neil and Crazy Horse) it seems likely that Young will focus on songs from that much storied LP when I see him and the boys play live next month in San Diego.

That sounds pretty damn good to me. I'm more than ready to hear Neil rip through everything from Over and Over to Country Home (I see that, in true Shakey style, every song has been needlessly retitled for the new record by cherry picking lyrics from the songs; Country Home is hopefully now called Pickin' Someone Else's Potatoes; Over and Over should hereafter be named Ha! Ha! Ha! after the background vocals that follow the line "time was just a joke").

But if I had my druthers... well, that would be weird. What the heck are druthers? Where would I keep them if I had them?

Anyway, says I, Neil should shelve both Love and Only Love and Love to Burn for those upcoming shows; he should keep them safe at home with his own druthers while on tour. What he should bring is his giant wind machines. I want to see those things at full blast.

As I wrote a few weeks back in my first post about Ragged Glory, Young's epics on the attributes and flammability of love are great, sure, but compared with everything else from that era I find them a tad dull and definitely overplayed. Stephen Stills is probably planning reggaelishious versions of each track for his next record, the working title for which is I Suck Up The Dollar Bin. What's more, Neil has an entirely alternative version of Ragged Glory to consider for his set list: the aptly titled Smell the Horse.

Neil puts out about 16 new things a month, all of them on 480.6 kilogram clear audiofile vinyl, or whatever, so you are forgiven if you missed this one. Smell the Horse is an extended version of Ragged Glory which features four additional tracks. That doesn't sound too impressive, but I'm here to argue that it's a pretty big deal: hear about Smell the Horse is definitely worth a few minutes of your fine Sunday and I'd love to see it take up a healthy chunk of Neil's upcoming tour.

Let's start with the song that serves as inspiration for the extended version's title, a song which I think should been chosen to end the original record instead of the plodding and overly earnest Mother Earth.

We're talking about about Don't Spook the Horse:

I love how slow everyone plays here, holding onto their sonic and vocal notes alike for as long as they damn well please. Neil, Frank, Pancho and Lefty (that would be Billy Talbot) had plenty of reasons to slow down and savor everything at that point: Neil's wacko 80's were finally over, they already had a great album in the can and everyone was clearly stoned out of their minds in Neil's barn.

Saying "barn" here isn't quite right; we should say "one of Neil's barns." Apparently he had a bunch of them. On was filled head to toe with about 65 million dollars worth of toy trains. Seriously. Neil had employees dedicated to maintaining those trains, and he'd invented cordless and accessibly adapted remotes for running them all with his wheelchair bound son. Neil was clearly the richest, best and wackiest dad on the planet. I've got kids of my own and a shed behind my house too. Guess what I keep in it? Rusted and broken nonsense, of course, plus a few remaining battered and original Hoth-era plastic Star Wars toys that I simply can't justify throwing away; suffice to say that my kids would prefer Neil Young as a dad when it comes to finding pleasures in a barn.

Anyway, Neil and the boys play this song at a glacial pace because where the hell else have they got to be? "Let's play it even slower next time," I picture Neil telling them. "This one's never gonna be on the record anyway. Plus, if we play it slow enough, I can make up some lyrics as we go."

And how about the collage Neil assembles of those throw away lyrics at 3:20 mark. He's already introduced the characters and repeated their attributes for us: there's a horse who spooks, a dog who tends to roll in its own feces and a pretty little girl worth courting. But then Neil puts all of them in his homebrew lyric blender:

If you're gonna mess around with that chick,

Be sure to close the barn door;

Try to not spook the horse,

Make sure she ain't rolled in shit.

Just who exactly are we concerned about the smell of here Neil, your dog, your horse or the pretty little girl? I sincerely hope he means the little girl, 'cuz that's the silliest thing I've ever heard.

Next up in the song, Neil references "the valley of hearts", a rather boring image he plucks nonsensically from the aforementioned Love to Burn. If not for that song's somber, dull lyrics and the preachy Mother Earth, we'd include the word preface the word"gnarly" with "hilariously" when describing Ragged Glory. After all this album opens with Neil telling us that his car only starts if it's pointed downhill and then he goes on to make this song the record's only cover:

I had no idea until this moment that there was yet another silly, never seen by anyone at the time, video for this song. This one's even dumber and more ridiculous than the other videos from the record Neil made, which we spent time with a few weeks back. The visuals here, including Pancho's pants, basically prove my argument that this whole album can easily be taken as a joyful joke. Is that lady dancing with corn on the cob? And watch for when Farmer John himself shows up, first with a pitchfork, then with a shotgun. Neil was clearly cracking himself up.

And how about the fact that Neil passed over every song in the Western popular catalog from Sister Ray to Respect and chose instead to cover what is perhaps the least poetic and simplest song in history, a song which asks the Horse to hold down the beat and go "Whoa-o-o" over and over again while Young makes the least compelling case anyone has ever made for dating another human being and freaks out on his guitar. (So it's in writing: Neil, if you ever want to date one of my daughters, or, for that matter have one of them appear in one of his videos, the answer is hell no.)

But back to the whole "valley of hearts" thing: by referencing that dull valley in the delightfully sloppy Don't Spook the Horse, Neil effectively makes fun of his overly earnest writing at spots on the record and puts us even more at ease. Somebody, we think, ought to get me some of that stuff they're smoking while I check my dog for suspicious scents.

So are you with me? Isn't this whole thing a big, wonderful joke if you set aside Love to Bun, Mother Earth and Love and Only Love? I'm telling you, Neil could have completed the record's fantastically silly leap to unbridled joy by including Don't Spook the Horse from the get go.

But Smell the Horse does a lot more than add levity to the original record. It also adds some big deal beauty. Check out one of the most tender, spacious and shimmering album outtakes from Shakey's entire 60 year career:

Man, I just love this. Name another song that makes such loud and lovely use of the squeak fingers can make across the fretboard; name another song where Neil sings with this much care.

Interstate shows the vast breath of what Young was doing during the Ragged Glory sessions. Sure he could have made a comedy record. But if Interstate were on the original record instead of Farmer John we might call the whole thing introspectively soulful. Bob Dylan, it turns out, isn't the only genius who tended to cut the very best songs off his records in this era.

It initially makes sense that Young recorded Interstate a few weeks after the brilliant, hillbilly toss-off that is Don't Speak the Horse. Surely, he couldn't have achieved such disparate tones on the same day, right?

Well, don't be so sure about that: after all, 15 years earlier Young recorded one of the most hopeless songs of his entire career, Borrowed Tune, on the very same day he recorded one of his most hopeful, Traces.

That's Neil Young: from heartbreak to hope in sixty seconds flat.

The third outtake featured on Smell the Horse is Boxcar, a bouncy, strident track with some pretty questionable lyrics about Young's skin color (he says he's like a white man, which is a pretty obvious metaphor. Hey Neil, I'm a lot like a white man too. That because I'm a white male. But then Young goes on to tell us he's like a black man too, and a red man, whatever that is. Um, okay Neil...) that he wrestled with on and off for 20+ years before finally releasing on Chrome Dreams 2. The song could have added a much needed tasty note to the nothing-burger that is Old Ways; but it has no real business on the plate of swordfish, greens and hominy that is Ragged Glory. Sometimes Neil leaves the right songs off his records.

And finally, there's one of the weirdest songs in Young's entire, wonderfully weird catalog: Born to Run. No, this isn't Neil covering the Springsteen track. Young wrote his song first, supposedly, and initially recorded it in the summer of 1975 during the Zuma sessions, which just so happens to be the same summer Bruuuuuce released his own anthem by that name.

This all reminds me of my own summer of 89. I was 13 year old and about to get world famous through a song I'd just penned and recorded with my band, The Thurmanistic Paul Barrs, entitled Freefallin'. But then, bad luck came my way: Tom Petty beat me to it and put out his own, vastly worse, song with that very same name. My own Freefallin' was a stirring account of the time I fell off my bike and straight into the arms of a stunning middle school lady, but it remains on the shelf to this day because I didn't want to deal with persistent questions from the press about the possibly Pettyish origins of my own hit record; I'd seen my good friend, the incomparably talented Vanilla Ice, get unfairly pummeled by that very same media for the bass line he most certainly did not steal from Under Pressure in any way whatsoever, and I did not want to go through all that myself.

(Okay, you got me. Obviously, none of that is true. But I really was in a middle school band with that name. I sang lead.)

Anyway, I'm not accusing Neil of any plagiarism here; his song and the Boss's have nothing in common beyond their title, and Young surely would have left his own Born To Run off Zuma regardless because, well, it's a bit of a mess. Here, take a listen:

Don't get me wrong, this song still rocks. There's a fun, boneheaded hook, and everything recorded for Zuma is freakin' awesome. But I think we all get why, in addition to the Springsteen issue, the song went unheard until Archives 2.

But just listen to where Neil and the boys take that same song on Smell the Horse. The riff has new texture and less clunk. Plus there are about 16 different tempo shifts and about 48 different instrumental sections, and Neil breaks out some serious wailing in the vocal department during the chorus alongside his trademark snarl in the verses.

This track is a total and glorious mess. Clearly the plan was to have Neil's coked-up genius of a producer, David Briggs, edit the hell out of this, patching together the best 5-7 minutes of their 12 minutes of wandering through variations of the chorus and primary verse. Briggs would have definitely used the guitar work in the 7th and 8th minutes as the song's centerpiece: listen to Neil discover sounds in the neck of his Les Paul that he, and everyone else on the planet, has never heard before or since, while Billy Talbot thumps away (12345, 12345 goes the bass...) doggedly underneath him; my guess is someone had to punch Billy in the arm and tell him to stop already long after Neil was ready to wrap things up.

I'd argue that Neil made the right call again here: this song doesn't belong on Ragged Glory. Its tempo and mood swings are too symphonic, too complex and bizarre. Rather, Neil should have figured out how to play Born to Run with this much energy and ambition for either of his 80's Crazy Horse records, Re-ac-tor or Life, instead. Both of those records are filled with equally complex, ambitious and boneheaded songs, most of which somehow fail to miss their mark. Had Neil told us that he was born to run during either of those records Ragged Glory might not be viewed today as the renaissance for the band that it truly was.

So start running, or get out on the interstate, or, better yet, mess around with someone you love in your barn on this Shakey Sunday. Just remember to check the dog, or the person your fooling around with, for foul odors.

[starsfic]

Smoke and Gold, Chapter 10: Looking

Summary: Xiaojiao and Xiaotian reunite. But things go sour and his bestie lays a choice at his feet.

It's the wrong one.

Notes: @fosermi

AO3

-_-

Xiaotian was a bundle of nerves that morning.

For once, he was glad Red wasn't there when he woke up. He might've been tempted to call this off, homesickness be damned. He barely ate his breakfast, thankfully not throwing up from the anxiety curling in his gut. Soon enough, he was making sure the servants had Xiaojiao's favorite snacks and desserts ready, succeeding in not entering a mood swing. That didn't relieve his nerves.

How was she doing? Did everyone miss him? How was everyone? Would she recognize him-

"Long Xiaojiao is here, my lord."

Xiaotian blinked out of his thoughts, turning. A servant stood in the doorway, thankfully showing no notice of his spiral. Then the news hit.

And he was running out of the room.

He shot past servants and guards, finally reaching the entry hall. He heard her voice before he saw her, yelling at the guards. "-why I'm-"

"Mei?" He couldn't resist the urge to use the childhood nickname. His best friend, still wearing her motorcycle gear, froze. Then she turned, wide-eyed.

They stood there, staring at each other.

Then one of them sobbed. He wasn't sure who because tears were pricking at his eyes and then they were rushing to each other.

They met in the middle, collapsing into a pile of hugs and tears.

-_-

The day was great.

This was the best idea ever!

After their hugs and assuring Xiaojiao he was fine, Xiaotian proceeded to give her a tour. Xiaojiao oohed and ahhed, occasionally making comments about her parents' sense of decor. Eventually, he had her right where he wanted her.

Right to the gaming room, which was much bigger than anything either of them had seen. There, she whooped his ass at every game, just like at the arcade. Just like it was a regular day.

Now they were eating lunch with what stomachs were available from game snacking. Xiaojiao had assured him that everyone was fine, although they all missed him so much. And now they were talking about this and that.

"So, spill," Xiaojiao said, setting aside her drink. "Tell me about Red. What's he like?"

A fond smile formed. "What do you want to know? He's smart. He loves to invent, you two would get along. He's really, really ...attentive." The word sent warmth spiraling through his insides, remembering Red's talents in the last, kissing and sucking and biting…

"Where is he? I mean, I figured he’d want to meet me."

Xiaotian blinked out of his lustful thoughts, blushing. She hadn't caught on to what exactly he was thinking about his husband, right? "Oh, he's at work. He's really busy during the days and if I know I can't see him, I would be-"

"You've never seen him?"

And Xiaojiao's voice had changed. Xiaotian froze, because right. That wasn’t normal in a relationship. He shrugged, trying to pretend it was a normal thing. “It’s one of the rules here. I can never see his face.”

Her expression looked worried. “Okay, look,” And she sounded worried. “That… that isn’t normal. And the fact that you’re a sacrifice for this guy…” Emotions crossed her face. “Alright,” she finally said. “I’m only asking you to do this because you clearly love the guy and I just want you safe and happy.”

That didn’t sound good.

“...do what?”

She reached into her backpack, pulling out one of her spare phones, an old flip phone. She passed it to Xiaotian before reaching back inside. What she pulled out next made his throat dry.

It was a knife.

“You need to protect yourself,” his best friend said gently. Trembling, his hand reached out, wrapping around the handle. “What if this is just a long game?” He shook his head in denial.

“Look, just sneak one look and then you’ll know.”

Just one look?

“If he’s not what he says he is, then use the knife. If you...have to, use the phone to call me when it’s done.” Xiaojiao went quiet. Then she wrapped arms around him.

There, he broke down.

-_-

“Is everything alright?”

   Xiaotian resisted a shiver at his husband’s voice. Questions crowded in his throat. “Fine,” he said, instead of any of them. “Just tired.” There was silence, then lips pressed against his shoulder. “Night.” he managed out, snuggling into the covers in an attempt to look like he was going to sleep.

   He felt a warm back press against his. “...Good night.”

   The urge to apologize joined the crowd of questions but Xiaotian didn’t say a word.

   You need to protect yourself, MK .

   As much as he hated it, Xiaojiao had a point. He deserved to know that he was safe. Besides, why wasn’t he allowed? His husband had seen every inch of him. Why didn’t he get that privilege?

   Look, just sneak one look and then you’ll know.

   Just one look.

   It felt like an eternity before Xiaotian heard his husband start the slow, even breathing of sleep. Moving slowly, he carefully slipped out of bed. He hit the soft carpet and reached under the bed. The total darkness of the bedroom made it impossible to see his contraband, forcing him to blindly search around.

   If he’s not what he says he is, then use the knife.

   His hand brushed against the handle of the knife. Xiaotian shivered and kept looking.

   If you...have to, use the phone to call me when it’s done.

   His hand brushed against the phone and then finally wrapped around the candle. The reason why he had to use a candle was because the phone was one of those old flip phones with no flashlight. Xiaotian pulled out the candle and the box of matches right next to it. He didn’t light it right there.

   Instead, he carefully stepped to his husband’s side of the bed. Xiaotian quietly pulled out a match and striked it, lighting the candle. Cupping the flame before he could see, he took a deep breath.

   Moment of truth.

   He pulled his hand away.

   The candlelight gently fell upon his husband and the truth hit him.

   Oh no.

   Warm skin in both body heat and tone. Long red hair curling around his shoulders. An sharp, angular face. A golden nose piercing that shone in the light. Red bull ears that matched the tail that absently twitched and swished in sleep. Even though he had never seen his face, Xiaotian could recognize the young man from Wukong’s stories.

   He scrambled away from Red Boy, son of his father’s enemy the Demon Bull King.

   Xiaotian didn’t stop moving until he felt his back hit the wall. He clamped a hand over his mouth as he moved, stifling a noise that was somewhere between a gasp and a scream. His mind whirled at the truth and the possibilities. A trap? He should- he needed to- He took a deep breath in and then out and focused.

   His husband was Red Boy. The demon who had attacked Sun Wukong on his journey west, the son of the demon locked under mountain and staff, the half of the danger that they were watching. That would explain why he was never around during the day. He was probably with his mother.

But...he was also Red. Red, who was proud to the point of being a bit arrogant. Who promised to wait to touch him until he asked. Who could go on and on about machines and was all too willing to explain terms and parts and bits if he asked. Who listened to him talk about art and his work and asked informed questions. Who apologized that his hands were a bit rough whenever they touched and kissed him eagerly when he finally asked him to make love to him. Who had the cackle of a mad scientist and was shy about his features and had such goofy grins that he felt when he smiled into his skin. Who Xiaotian loved and…

He let out a sigh, thinking about this.

Okay. So, he couldn’t do this. The stabbing or the leaving. Xiaotian crawled back to Red’s side, staring at his peaceful features until the knot of fear in his chest came undone. Under all that, he found himself happy to finally see the man he loved. That pushed his decision. He loved him and he was okay with that. He could wait until he was ready to reveal himself and ask questions then.

He gave his husband a soft kiss, sealing his promise. He then moved to stand-

“OW!”

The candle had started to drip, Xiaotian realized. And a glob of hot wax had fallen onto his hand and wrist. He yelped, dropping the candle to cradle his burn. But the pain was soon overshadowed by the fact that Red had sat straight up at his cry. The concern in his eyes at the painful cry faded as he realized that he was standing over him and noticed the still burning candle on the floor. It was soon replaced by something else- anger.

“Red, it’s not-”

But his husband’s hair was already flaming. “You-” He apparently couldn’t say anything else before he was engulfed in flames. Xiaotian yelped, immediately going down and hearing fire and wind woosh.

When he peeled his face off the carpet, the bed was empty and the sheets nothing but ash.

And he was heartbreakingly alone.

“...Red?”

Unsure of what else to do, Xiaotian curled up into a ball.

Tears pricked in his eyes and he soon found himself sobbing.

-_-

Princess Iron Fan’s sitting room was filled with the sound of sobbing.

“Oh, my sweet useless boy,” the princess cooed. He was curled up on her sofa, head pillowed in her lap, with her running her fingers through his hair like he was a little boy again. “I should’ve known better than to give you such a task.” She was angry at her son for his failure and his resulting deeds, but she was a mother first. Her poor baby was heartbroken and needed comfort.

“I- I told him not to look- I-I-I-I asked him not to look…” Red Son burst into a fresh round of sobs, wetting his mother’s skirts. “Why did he-?!”

“Oh, Red Son,” Iron Fan sighed. “Sun Wukong is selfish. It makes sense that his successor will be just as selfish.” He winced at the harsh words but she continued on. “If he had truly loved you, he wouldn’t have looked. Forget about him. We have more important things to do.” But she made a little mental note as she peeled her son off her lap and saw how broken he was.

Qi Xiaotian deserved something nasty for breaking her son’s heart.

[tomeandflickcorner]

Episode Review- The Real Ghostbusters: Egon on the Rampage

Okay. So, that was a thing that happened.

The episode’s opening is really kinda trippy, because it starts with what appears to be an opening to an episode of the show, only it’s inside a TV screen against a black background. It’s a slow day at the Firehouse, so Ray is going out for a run while Peter and Winston are planning to go out shopping.  But as Slimer drifts by, a disembodied voice starts scolding his kids for watching ‘that dumb show’ again, instructing them to watch something educational. So, I guess we’re seeing kids within the world of The Real Ghostbusters watching The Real Ghostbusters?  I told you it was pretty trippy.  The ‘channel’ then switches to some news station, where the news show 20/40/60 is just starting. The news anchorman, Eldon Bromo, announces some of the news stories for that day, such as hearing damage caused by loud clothes and an in-depth look at fabulously rich boring people.  But the main story is to be about the Ghostbusters, and whether or not they’re frauds.  It then switches over to the Firehouse, where ace reporters Sandy Van Sanders and Helen Shreck are starting their live broadcast.  They make it clear right away that their intention is to prove the Ghostbusters are con artists.

Sandy and Helen proceed to try and enter the Firehouse, but Janine stops them at the door.  She turns them away, instructing them to come back during office hours, between 10 am and 4 pm.  But Sandy and Helen are not to be deterred and begin to try and force their way in. Janine does her best to prevent them from doing so, and I am quite impressed she was able to last as long as she did.  Both Sandy and Helen were pushing on the doors that Janine was trying to close, and it took them a while to outmuscle her.  In the end, however, Sandy and Helen are able to barge into the Firehouse, with Janine being thrown to the floor in the process.  Peter, Winston and Ray, having heard the commotion, appear seconds later. Janine tells them she’d tried to stop the pair of reporters, and Winston assures her that it’s okay. He suggests she take Slimer out for a walk while they deal with Sandy and Helen.  Yeah, this episode heavily portrays Slimer as the Ghostbuster’s pet ghost.  He’s even shown with a dog collar and leash.

Once Janine leaves with Slimer, Winston realizes he recognizes Sandy and Helen as being from ‘that news show.’  Based on their description of the news stories that have previously been covered by 20/40/60, it seems this is like a tabloid news show, and it’s clear the Ghostbusters don’t have a high opinion of it.  Sandy and Helen ignore this and ask where Egon is. Winston tries to claim Egon wasn’t there, but to no avail as Egon took that moment to call for them from his lab. Immediately, Sandy and Helen push past the other Ghostbusters and proceed to brazenly enter Egon’s lab. And it’s at this point where I started wondering why these two haven’t been fired yet.  I don’t know much about journalism, but I don’t think they’re allowed to barge into places like this.  They’re supposed to be professional reporters, not paparazzi. Of course, since this is seemingly a tabloid news show, I’m guessing ethics aren’t that big of a deal to them.

Upon storming into Egon’s lab, Sandy and Helen find Egon working on some new machine of his.  Winston, Ray and Peter hurry in after them, and Ray instructs them to leave since this invention is top secret.  Helen, however, refuses to leave, saying they can’t keep the press out.  And Winston seems to be ready to try and physically remove them from the premises.  Can’t say I blame him there.  But Egon states it might be a good time to go public with their latest experiment, and he begins to explain what he’s working on.  He announces that, up until now, they’ve stored the ghosts they’ve captured in the containment unit, but this is both expensive and dangerous.  So they’re considering an alternative method, which involves permanently transporting the ghosts into an alternate dimension. (Huh, I wonder if they’ve been collaborating with that unnamed scientist from You Can’t Take it With You.  After all, he seemed quite knowledgeable when it came to opening dimensional portals.)

The Ghostbusters begin to execute the machine’s test run, with Peter bringing out a loaded Ghost Trap.  Peter lets the ghost out, and Ray and Winston hold him in place with their Proton Packs while Egon starts up the machine.  The test run proves to be successful, as the ghost is pulled through a dimensional gateway, vanishing from sight.  However, Sandy doesn’t seem to be impressed, suggesting all the flashing lights might have just been a show for their benefit.  And then he proceeds to mess around with the controls. Despite Helen’s obvious misgivings about it, which is the first time we see one of these two nitwits being sensible, Sandy pulls a lever, resulting in the high voltage switch overloading. Seconds later, the ‘TV screen’ (because we’re apparently supposed to be watching this happening via live news broadcast) goes haywire, with brief images of the Ghostbusters and the reporters mixed in with static.

Eldon Bromo then reappears at his news desk, announcing that there seems to be some technical difficulty in the news feed from Sandy and Helen.  So, while they try and reestablish their connection, he invites viewers to enjoy this week’s commentary from some guy named Roone Agent, who rambles random nonsense about watching fingernails grow and seeing dust collecting.  Thankfully, this doesn’t last very long, as the feed from Sandy and Helen’s cameraman has been located again.  Just in time for us to see the aftermath of the incident. While Ray, Winston and Peter try to extinguish the small fires that are still burning in the background, Sandy presses on with his report.  Only he states there was clearly an accident with the test run of the Ghostbuster’s new machine.  Upon hearing Sandy say this, Ray storms over and angrily reminds him that this was completely his fault as he nearly wrings Sandy’s neck.  Fortunately for Sandy, Winston manages to pull Ray off him. However, something is clearly wrong with Egon, as he seems to have mutated into a large purple creature. The mutated Egon suddenly begins to attack Peter as he tries to check up on his friend.  Winston, with the help of the videotape he’d apparently borrowed from Sandy and Helen’s cameraman, is able to piece together what happened to Egon. When the machine overloaded thanks to Sandy’s interference, Egon’s soul was pulled out of his body and got sucked up through the dimensional portal.  Seconds later, a demon had come out of the portal and entered Egon’s body, filling in the vacancy.  Upon consulting Egon’s notes on the machine, it’s determined they only have fifteen minutes to reverse the switch, otherwise the change will be permanent.  First thing is first, though. They have to figure out how to restrain Demon Egon, who is currently destroying everything in sight. Ray points out they can’t simply zap him with their Proton Packs, as it’s still Egon’s body.  Fortunately, Peter has an idea, and he tosses a few canisters of knockout gas (which they have lying around for some reason) at Demon Egon. This successfully knocks Demon Egon out, but before the Ghostbusters can retrieve him, they see Sandy and Helen’s camera truck speed off.  Because somehow, in that short amount of time, Helen managed to get past the Ghostbusters and pulled Demon Egon’s unconscious body into the camera truck. And she’s now bringing him back to the studio for an exclusive interview.  (Okay, I’m pretty sure this counts as kidnapping.  Seriously, how do these twats still have a job?!)

Knowing that they have to get Egon’s body back, and locate his soul in order to reverse the switch in time, the Ghostbusters decide to split up.  While Ray and Winston go off after Helen to get Demon Egon back, Peter will venture into the alternate dimension and fetch Egon’s soul. After Ray and Winston leave, Peter gets to work at entering the alternate dimension.  He tasks Janine, who has since returned from walking Slimer, to pull him back out with the rope he has tied around his waist once he locates Egon’s soul.  So Peter goes through the dimensional portal.  And Sandy, being the utter moron he is, jumps in after him.  Because he’s that desperate for a juicy story.   (Ugh, those two reporters are really getting on my last nerve.)  Naturally, Peter is dumbfounded when he sees Sandy has followed him into the other dimension.  But there’s no time for him to really reprimand the reporter’s idiocy, as they’re promptly attacked by a flock of demon bird things.

Back at the news studio, Helen is attempting to begin her interview with Demon Egon, who is just starting to come around.  As one might expect, Demon Egon is not very receptive to Helen’s interview questions.  Instead, he simply grabs her and starts running amuck through the studio, leaving behind a trail of destruction in his wake.  Luckily, Winston and Ray arrive moments later.  They manage to save Helen by overturning a crate full of soccer balls, footballs, basketballs and volleyballs (which was sitting inside the news studio for some reason), which causes Demon Egon to trip and drop her. But Demon Egon then runs off, so Ray and Winston hurry after him.  And once again, Helen proves how irritating she is when she jumps into the back of the Ecto-1 as it’s driving off. (Well, I guess you can’t say she isn’t persistent.)

Meanwhile, in the other dimension, Peter has managed to drive off the demon birds.  But the moment they fly off, the Test Subject Ghost from earlier suddenly runs over. The Test Subject Ghost begs Peter to take him back.  It seems this other dimension is much too spooky for Test Subject Ghost’s liking.  Peter agrees to do so, but first he asks Test Subject Ghost if he’s seen a soul around. The Test Subject Ghost states he has, and says the soul is right over a nearby hill. Peter then fulfills his half of the bargain and allows Test Subject Ghost to enter the Ghost Trap he has with him.  With that out of the way, Peter and Sandy head over the indicated hill.  At first, it looks like Test Subject Ghost gave them a false lead, as all they can see is a one legged ghost jumping on a trampoline suspended over a pit.  Until Peter realizes the trampoline is actually Egon’s soul, stretched out like a sheet.  Peter hurries down and retrieves Egon’s soul, rolling him up like a rug before signaling to Janine to pull them all out by tugging on the rope.

It then switches back to Ray and Winston, who are still following after Demon Egon in the Ecto-1.  Winston announces he knows they can’t risk shooting Demon Egon with the Proton Packs as it could damage Egon’s Body.  But they can use the Proton Packs to corral him back to the Firehouse.  They proceed to do so, and manage to get Demon Egon back to the Firehouse with only a minute to spare.  When they arrive, with Demon Egon crashing through the wall a la Kool-Aid Man, they’re greeted by the sight of Peter and Janine trying to physically hold back the One Legged Ghost, who is clearly not happy about losing his makeshift trampoline and is trying to come out through the portal to get it back.  When the One Legged Ghost overpowers Peter and Janine by shoving them back, Slimer takes over by tickling the ghost’s foot, thereby keeping him from coming any further out of the portal.  This gives Janine and Peter the chance to hold out Egon’s soul so Demon Egon would run into it.  When Demon Egon and Egon’s soul collide, Egon’s soul is able to return to his body, and the demon that was inside Egon’s body is tossed out.  Once it’s no longer inhabiting Egon’s body, the demon flies back through the dimensional portal, shoving the One Legged Ghost back as well before the portal closes up.  And Sandy and Helen got drenched in slime in the process.

With the crisis averted, the Ghostbusters celebrate safe Egon’s return.  As for Sandy and Helen, who are still sitting there covered in ectoplasmic slime, Peter decides to complete their news report for them, taking their microphone and announcing that, if tonight was any indication, many people need the Ghostbusters. And so the episode ends, with Eldon Brando bidding everyone watching the news program a good night.

What did I just watch?!  I have no idea what this episode even was.  We’re supposed to be watching a show within a show?  What kind of weird mind trip was this?  I would understand if this was supposed to be their April Fool’s Day special, but that doesn’t seem to be the case since the episode first aired in December.   At the same time, it does make a bit of sense as this was one of the four episodes written by Marc Scott Zicree.  The other episodes he wrote for the show were Look Homeward, Ray, Station Identification and Lights! Camera! Haunting! (which, incidentally, is the next episode on the roster). With the exception of Look Homeward, Ray, all of those episodes have something to do with TV shows and film. Kinda sensing a pattern here.  In a partially related story, I get the feeling that someone in the writing room had some kind of beef against reporters.  I do know the whole trope of how reporters will do anything for a scoop. But the characters of Sandy and Helen were just insufferable!  Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure any reporter would be fired or arrested if they forced their way onto private property like they did in this episode. They were clearly there at the Firehouse without permission and refused to leave.  Plus, Helen actually abducted Egon’s possessed body.  Pretty sure kidnapping violates the code of conduct in journalism.  Not only that, they continued to show absolutely no awareness of what was going on around them, even when it was clear that their lives were in jeopardy. How do these two still have a job? Was there some sort of scandal with reporters and journalists overstepping their boundaries in the 80s, making this episode some kind of social commentary?  Considering I was a toddler for most of the 80s, I don’t remember that decade that well.

(Click here for more Ghostbusters reviews)

[mischiefandspirits]

Mystery Meat: Takoyaki

S01-E01, part 1 of 3: Danny just wants to get a handle on his powers, he didn't ask to get caught up in another one of his friends' dietary fights.

Last time on Living Phantom ~ Next time on Living Phantom

Danny glared down at his hands. Come on… Come on…

They flickered invisible for a second.

“Yes!”

Tucker looked up from his phone. “What?”

“I did it!”

“Barely,” Sam snorted. “If I’d blinked, I would have missed it.”

“But I didn’t turn intangible! It’s progress.”

“It’s sad.”

“There has to be a better way to do this,” Tucker said, tapping away at his phone once more.

“Don’t look at me. I checked all my old occult books from my witch phase, but none of them talk about anything like ghost powers.”

Both boys shivered and Danny asked, “You kept those?”

“The aesthetic, Danny.”

“They looked like something from a horror movie,” Tucker pointed out.

“Exactly.”

“I still swear one of them gave me hives,” Danny muttered and Sam rolled her eyes.

The boy has one minor allergic reaction after handling her book on protection against evil spirits and suddenly it’s the book’s fault. “And I still swear it was that bush Dash pushed you into.”

“Dash has shoved me into those bushes plenty of times and I’ve never broken out like that!”

“You probably just -“

“What about your parents?” Tucker cut in before he had to relive March of seventh grade. “There’s got to be something in their research about how ghosts control their powers.”

“I don’t know. They’ve never even studied a real ghost so anything they might have would just be theoretical.”

“Theory’s better than nothing,” Tucker pointed out.

“Theory based on nothing is useless,” Sam snorted.

“Couldn’t hurt to try.”

Danny nodded and the trio headed out of his room. “At least I can usually transform on cue now.”

“Yeah, thanks to your goofy catchphrase,” Tucker snickered.

“It helps me focus!”

“Sure, Danny,” Sam said, patting him on the back with a smirk.

“I hate you both.” When they reached the first floor, Danny called out, “Mom? Dad?”

“Your mom went to the store,” Mr. Fenton said, poking his head out of the kitchen. “What’d you need?”

“Well, uh, we had a question about ghosts. We wanted to kn-”

“Ghosts!” Mr. Fenton cheered. “I’d be happy to tell you everything I know!”

Before the three could react, Mr. Fenton swooped in and wrapped one arm around Danny and Tucker and the other around Sam before forcibly leading them down to the lab. He grabbed a trio of chairs from the closet and pushed them into them.

“So, Danny, you and your little friends want to hunt ghosts?”

The three shared a look.

“Uh, actually, Dad? I want to be an astronaut.”

“Sorry, Mr. Fenton. You can only play with a spirit board so many times before it gets boring.”

“Waste these looks and all this charisma hunting ghosts? Criminal.”

"Well, if you do want to hunt ghosts,” Mr. Fenton said, unperturbed as he turned away, “there are a few things you need to learn.”

Danny rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to try to get his dad back on track, but froze as his breath misted in front of him. It had happened twice before, and each time had preceded…

“Oh no. This isn't good.”

The doors to the ghost portal opened and a pair of blobby ghosts that looked vaguely like octopuses flew out of the swirling mists. When one grabbed Tucker and Sam, Danny glanced at his dad. The man was thankfully distracted with whatever lecture he was settling into so Danny leaped at the ghosts.

“I’m going ghost,” he whispered and a ring sprung into being around him, splitting to transform him. He rushed the ghosts and knocked aside the second ghost before tackling the one holding his friends. The two fell back into their chairs as Danny pinned it.

“Sam, Tucker,” they flinched as Mr. Fenton popped up in front of them and handed a thermos to Sam, “this is the Fenton Thermos. It's supposed to trap ghosts…”

They ignored the man as he went back to his lab space and turned to watch as the second ghost launched itself at Danny. Their friend saw it coming though and stood up. He grabbed the legs of the one he had pinned and spun around to use it to hit the other.

The ghost was knocked towards the portal and Danny threw the other at it. The two gave whines then flew into the portal, which closed behind them.

Danny glared at the doors as he transformed back then looked to his dad. His eyes widened as he noticed the man turning towards him and he jumped back over to the chairs.

“And that? That is the Fenton Portal,” Mr. Fenton said, walking up to the portal. “It releases ghosts into our world whether I want it to or not. And someday, I'll figure out how that works too.” He knocked against the rim and turned to the teens. “Now, who wants to hunt some ghosts?”

Sam and Tucker shook while Danny leaned against Tucker’s chair, doubled over and panting.

“You kids, look at you! You're too excited to speak! So I'll just go on speaking. I was born many years ago in a log cabin in the woods. Don't exactly remember where, but I do remember I wanted a pony…”

As Mr. Fenton continued, Sam and Tucker glanced at Danny. He ran a hand over his face then looked back up to see his dad facing away.

“Let’s just go. I don’t think we’re going to get anything from him,” he whispered.

They nodded eagerly and the teens fled upstairs.

“Well that was terrifying,” Tucker said.

“And useless,” Sam snorted. “What a surprise?”

“Parents suck, we get it.”

Sam shoved Tucker then patted Danny on the back. “At least you managed to stay transformed this time.”

“Progress!” he chuckled and pumped his fist.

The first few bars of Final Rest by Her Despair sounded and Sam pulled her phone out. “Oh! I almost forgot! I’ve got to go!”

As Sam ran up the stairs, Danny and Tucker chased after her with the former calling, “Where are you going?”

“Meeting, long story, explain later,” Sam said. She grabbed her backpack from Danny’s room then rushed past them back downstairs. “See you guys tomorrow.”

“Bye.”

“See you.”

The two boys shared a look as the front door opened, then closed.

“So, are you going to practice some more or do you want to play video games?”

“Doomed?”

“Doomed!”

~~~~~~~~~~B~~~~~0~~~~~0~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, Danny,” Sam called, surprised to see him coming from the parking lot.

“Hey, Sam.” He came over and waited for her to finish locking up her scooter so they could head into school together.

“What are you doing here so soon?”

“Jazz drove me. She got a new psychology book yesterday so she’s having another one of her episodes. It’s focused on my parents this time. Apparently, they’ve got an insane obsession with ghosts and I’m an abused, unwanted wretch.”

“She’s not wrong.”

Danny knocked their shoulders together. “It’s not insane. I think we’ve got some pretty good evidence that ghosts are real. And I’m not abused. You’re just biased.”

She knocked back. “Your parents are obsessed though and you have to admit, they’re not the most attentive parents.”

Danny opened the door and they both went in. “Stop shoving your parent issues on me. They might get distracted by work, but you know they’re always there if Jazz or I need them.” He scowled and fiddled with the straps of his backpack. “Well, as long as it’s not Christmas.”

“Christmas?” she asked curiously.

He shook his head. “What’d your parents do this time?”

Sam eyed him, but let it go. “My mom tossed out my contacts. Thankfully Bubbe still had my backups. I swear, one day I’m going to wake up to my mother standing over my bed with a box of hair bleach. And my dad! Don’t even get me started on him!”

“Sam’s parents ruining her life again?” Tucker yawned as he joined them.

“Constantly,” Sam hissed.

“You're always welcome to keep your contacts at my house,” Danny offered.

“It’s fine. I found a better hiding spot for when the replacements arrive.” She gave him a smirk. “You know, I could get you some too. You look wicked with toxic green.”

“Pass,” Danny groaned. “I want my eyes to be blue more often, not less.”

“You had another accident.” Tucker didn't bother phrasing it as a question.

“In front of my parents this time. I’m lucky they were too distracted by their new invention to notice.”

He shot Sam a glare when she hummed and she held up her hands in surrender.

Danny sighed and bit his lip. “I think I should tell them.”

“Why? Parents don't listen,” Sam said, stopping their trek up the stairs. “Even worse, they don't understand! WHY CAN'T THEY ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM?”

“Sam, I'm talking about my powers, my problems?”

Sam blushed and gave him an apologetic look. “Oh, right. Me too.”

Danny shook his head. “It's been a month since the accident and I still have barely any control. If somebody catches me, I go from geek to freak around here.”

When he started to shrink, Tucker and Sam looked down to see Danny’s legs had gone intangible and were sinking through the floor.

“Kinda like what you're doing right now?” Tucker pointed out.

Danny yelped, but the two easily pulled him back up by his arms, holding the smaller boy up until his legs returned to normal.

He growled and marched off. “Darn it! If my parents can invent something that accidentally made me half-ghost, why can't they invent something that turns me back to normal?”

Sam and Tucker flinched as Danny turned transparent and glanced around to be sure no one was watching. Thankfully they were alone and Danny didn’t sink through the floor, though he did walk through a vending machine.

“Danny, your powers make you unique. Unique is good! That's why I'm a whole-food, plant-based vegan.”

Danny closed his eyes and whispered, “Please, no.”

“Sam, meat is essential. It reduces the appetite and increases your metabolism. That’s why my all-meat streak is fourteen years strong!”

“One month. Can we go one month?” he groaned burying his face in his hands. Unknown to the three, Danny turned invisible.

“And it's about to end. The school board finally agreed to try a new cafeteria menu. I wore them down,” Sam said with pride.

“Wait… What did you do?”

The bell rang and Sam turned to leave for Art History. “You’ll have to wait to see for yourself.”

“Sam? Sam! What did you do?” Tucker spun towards his other friend, and frowned when no one was there. “Danny?”

“Here.” The pale boy reappeared. “Do you guys have to do that?”

“She’s vegan, Danny. I have to stand up for my fellow carnivores!”

“Let’s just go before we’re late.”

~~~~~~~~~~B~~~~~0~~~~~0~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m dead. I died in your accident and have gone to the Bad Place. That’s the only explanation.”

Danny ignored Tucker’s muttering as he dragged his friend to the lunch line. I’d say this is killing me, but it’s too late for that.

Above their head was a banner reading Vegan Week!

“Danny. Danny, what am I going to do! I’m going to starve to death!”

“For the love of -- Dude, you eat french fries and drink milkshakes. No matter what you say, you’re not a total carnivore. It won’t kill you to eat whatever they’ve got until you get home and can gorge yourself on steak.”

“I eat fries alongside hamburgers! I need meat!”

Danny glared at him, then at Sam as she slipped up next to them. “Why are you both like this?”

Tucker spun to face Sam and grabbed her shoulders. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”

“Tucker, it's time for a change.”

“You’re trying to kill me! I can’t survive a week of this!”

“Just bring lunch from home tomorrow,” Danny sighed, grabbing a veggie burger and adding it to his tray then doing the same for Tucker when his friend just continued his complaining.

“Don’t you see, she’s trying to do us in, Danny. First you, now me.”

Danny elbowed him in the side then grabbed a pack of apple slices and a salad before leaving his friends so he could check out.

He was sitting by the time they caught up and Tucker immediately grabbed his arm. “Dude, you have to use your powers to sneak out and get me something I can actually eat!”

Danny shoved him off, then shot a look at Sam when she smiled smugly at them. “Don't you think this is a little extreme, Sam?”

She didn’t have a chance to reply before Mr. Lancer, their vice-principal and frequent substitute teacher, came up behind her. He set his hand on her shoulder with a smile and said, “Ah, Miss Manson. The school board wanted me to personally thank you for ushering in this welcome experiment to our cafeteria.”

Tucker sat up straight. “I smell barbecue!” He sniffed the air like a dog, leaning over the table and giving Lancer a look.

The man shuffled back nervously. “No, no. I assure you the teachers are eating the same thing as you students.” He patted Sam’s shoulder and left. “Thanks again.”

“Yeah, thanks again for making us eat garbage, Sam.”

Danny grabbed his tray and stood up. Maybe Jazz would let him hide out with her and her AP buddies until the week was over and he could have a few weeks break before the argument showed its ugly face again.

His breath misted in front of him as he sensed a ghost and he nearly screamed.

He set his tray back on the table and leaned down. “Uh, guys? I've got a problem.”

“FENTON!”

“Make that two problems,” he groaned.

He turned to see a large blond boy stomping towards him. Dash Baxter -- quarterback of the junior varsity football team, goalie and captain for the junior varsity lacrosse team, popular kid, and all-around school bully -- glared down at Danny as he held up a tray with a thick soup dish.

“I’m supposed to be bulking up! How am I supposed to do that when your girlfriend has us eating like cows?”

Why can’t you go bully someone else? “She's not my girlfriend!”

“I’m not his girlfriend! And there are plenty of protein-rich substitutions for -”

Dash shoved Danny against the table. “You better fix this or you’re going to be wearing this slop!”

“I-I-”

A glowing figure flew past the opening to the cafeteria kitchen.

Danny reached up and dumped Dash’s -- thankfully only warm -- soup on them both accidentally. “Whoops! I need to go get cleaned up!”

“FENTURD!”

He ran out of the cafeteria, dragging Sam and Tucker along with him. He led them to the kitchen door, saying, “He’s going to kill me later.”

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Z Movie 12: Fusion Reborn (2/6)

This time around, I’ll try to explain just what Janemba is, exactly, and why he’s a big deal.  But to do that, we have to get through the first ten minutes of this movie, so...

Movie 12 opens at the Grand Kai Planet, then pans to an asteroid orbiting the planet, where there’s a stadium hosting a tournament.    I never really paid attention to it before, but this is a whole other venue than the one used in DBZ 196-199.    If nothing else, this arena has a big green ring.   It looks like it’s made ouf of jade or something.   It’s a really nice touch.

I always assumed that the idea here was to hold a second Otherworld Tournament, since the one from Episodes 196-199 ended without a winner.    Then again, it’s been seven years since that event, so it seems odd that they would have waited so long.   On the other hand, everyone involved is either dead or a Kai, so seven years may not seem like that long a wait.  

King Kai, also known as the North Kai, is feeling really confident, since his top fighter, Goku, dominated the last tournament.   As before, East Kai and South Kai’s camps aren’t doing very well at all.   

But South Kai is still confident, since one of his fighters is still in the semifinals.   The subs refer to him as “Clove”, but I’m pretty sure he’s talking about Frog, or “Frogue” as he’s credited in the Funimation version.

So he and King Kai bicker about who’s gonna win, but Goku beats Frogue with a single kick, and I’m pretty sure the bout was shorter than their argument. 

Meanwhile, Pikkon defeats Aqua, aka Argua, in the other semifinal match.   I guess Aqua must have improved over the past seven years to have made it this far.

So that eliminates the East and South Galaxies from the tournement.    South Kai immediately starts rooting for Pikkon just to spite King Kai.   It’s kind of weird how Pikkon is a West Galaxy guy, but we don’t hear a lot from West Kai in this movie.    Maybe South Kai got the nod because he was actually in the manga, so he’s more “canonical” than the West or East Kais. 

So the final match is Goku vs. Pikkon, in a rematch of their epic match from Episodes 198 and 199.   That ended in a draw when both men touched the ceiling of the arena, and maybe that’s why they switched the venue this time.  

Both men do Respect Knuckles and the match begins.  

What I like about this movie is that this isn’t even the main story, but it totally could have been.  Toei did a five episode arc about the Grand Kai holding a tournament of all these dead fighters.  They could have done a movie that was just a sequel to that arc.   I don’t know how well-received it would have been, but I would have gone for it.    Maybe a new fighter dies and joins this group in the afterlife, and Goku has trouble against him.   Maybe you have Broly escape hell and crash the tournament.  There’s a lot of cool things you can do with this, but you could just have Goku and Pikkon fight some more.

But Movie 12 has even bigger things to get to, so this is just a scene to establish some of the characters.   And that’s how this movie rolls.  You could expand this story into a twenty-or-thirty-episode saga very easily.   

So we move on to King Yemma’s place, which the dub refers to as the “Check-In Station.”   I’m not super-familiar with Japanese mythology concerning the afterlife, but my understanding is that when you die, you go to King Yemma for judgement.     DBZ satirizes this idea by having the dead people’s souls wait in line, and all the oni who work for Yemma are like white collar wage slaves, and King Yemma has a desk with a big rubber stamp to notarize each soul’s fate.

In this particular scene, they’re having a busy day, probably echoing the episodes from the Buu Saga where millions of people were showing up every few minutes while Majin Buu was wiping out the Earth’s population.   Yemma’s basically zipping right through these guys, which I think is meant to be ironic.   I feel like the real King Yemma is supposed to take longer to examine a person’s moral character.  

Anyway, if you get sent to Heaven, you’re escorted to this big aircraft that flies you to a planet somewhere in Otherworld.     We’ll see it later in the Fusion Saga, but the plane was last seen in Episode 195, although Goku used a second, smaller plane to travel to the Grand Kai Planet. 

On the other hand, I’m pretty sure this hole that opens up in the wall is new.   In Episode 195, Goku and King Kai just walked through a doorway.

If you’re condemned to Hell, you have to go through a machine to cleanse your soul of evil.  I was under the impression that hell itself was meant to do that, but this franchise can never make up its mind about how hell works. 

According to Episode 237, when you’re a bad person and you die, you don’t get to keep your body like Goku did, and your soul is eventually purged of memory, and reincarnated as a new life form.    I don’t know how much of that is based on actual Japanese mythology, if any, but at least in DBZ, the idea of hell is not to act as a place of eternal suffering for the wicked.    It’s more like a very long jail sentence, designed to redeem the wicked so that they can proceed onto reincarnation or maybe some other phase of existence.   The suffering is part of the rehabilitation process.

I think that’s why Frieza still had his body in Movie 15, even after so many years in hell.    They let him keep it, but only so he could experience greater torment.   In theory, he would get so worn down that he would come to accept his punishment as the rightful consequence of all his evil deeds, and then his body would dissipate and he would lose his memory and identity.    But Frieza’s such a hateful bitch that he hung in there long enough to get wished back to life.  

On the other hand, these souls are all formless clouds.   It seems like only important characters get to keep their bodies in hell.   That may just be a convenience for the audience, or maybe stronger bad guys can maintain their physical form more easily.   Maybe that’s why they didn’t send Frieza through this machine.    He would have gummed up the works and broken it.    Maybe it’s only used for the not-so-evil souls who are easier to deal with.   Instead of spending 100,000 years climbing the needle mountain, they can just go through the cleansing machine and move on.

Whatever the case, this movie establishes that a machine cleans souls and extracts their evil residue in the form of a dark purple liquid that gets stored in special tanks.  

And they have an oni on duty to keep an eye on things and switch out the tanks when they get full.    But it’s a dull job, and the pay sucks, so he listens to a Walkman and plays air guitar to help pass the time.

But King Yemma’s sending an awful lot of people to hell today.   He’s not even taking a break for lunch.   So that waste tank’s going to fill up quickly.

Okay, I just realized that all of these guys wear tiger-striped clothes, and I think that’s because oni in folklore wear tiger-skins.   They do in Yu Yu Hakusho, and I assume they dress a little more authentically there.    Their version of King Yemma is treated like a bigger deal.    Anyway, one of the older workers scolds the Tank Clerk for slacking off, and threatens him with a pay cut.  

He also points out the rapidly filling tank, and the clerk seems enthusiastic about switching it, but he never actually does.

I really dig this guy’s jacket.   That skull and crossbones looks cool.

But soon enough, there’s an overload on the waste system, and the line breaks.   I guess the oni don’t believe in relief flanges, but maybe spiritual waste is too hazardous to release into the atmosphere.     Well, it’s happening now.

Tank Clerk knows right away that he’s screwed.   He’s worried for his job, and he has no idea what to do about a spill this big.    I think it’s more than just the one tank breaking.    Like, somehow it set off a chain reaction that blew all the other tanks they had sitting nearby.   Man, OSHA would have a field day with this place.   Why is Tank Clerk wearing shorts to work when he’s surrounded by toxic waste?    What good is a fire extinguisher going to do?   Does he have no idea how to respond to this situation?   Who here does?

But then things go from bad to worse, as the spirit waste mutates him into some sort of bizarre creature.  

Yeah, you might want to have a doctor take a look at that.

As soon as King Yemma hears what’s going on, he shits a brick.   Those tanks contained accumulated evil from countless souls that have been through that cleansing machine.    Why didn’t they dispose of any of it?   Can it be destroyed?   Is that Beerus’ job?  Like he just shows up every hundred years and zaps the full tanks into oblivion?   Well, he won’t be invented for another 18 years, so Yemma’s on his own for this one.

As for Tank Clerk, well he looks like this now.   

Then he sits on top of Yemma’s building and... I’m not really sure what this is.   Let’s start over.    So this monster that was once the Tank Clerk only says one word, and that’s “Janemba”, which isn’t even a word, I think.   So everyone calls him that like it’s his name.  

Apparently his power is some sort of reality manipulation?   That’s pretty vague, actually, since manipulating reality implies you can basically do anything, but what else can I call this?   Janemba creates all these huge jellybean-looking crystals, and some of them used to be other objects, but maybe others were created from nothing.    I think he encased Yemma’s palace in a crystal, but it sort of looks like he distorted the building at the same time.

Inside, things look pretty normal, but there’s some crystal formations within the building, and one of the ogres gets encased in it himself.  

Also, Janemba can project his image in different parts of these crystals.    Maybe this is meant to be simple reflections and refractions, but it seems more magical than that.  

Yemma seems to understand what’s going on better than I do, but there’s nothing he can do about it.    Janemba is the result of the tank clerk being possessed by the evil ki in the spirit waste.    This gave him the ability to surround Yemma’s domain with a barrier, and that barrier has suspended Yemma’s control over the boundary between the living world and the afterlife.   The only way to stop it is to defeat Janemba, and Yemma can’t very well do this while he’s trapped in his own stronghold.  

As I think about it, I sort of wonder if it’s not just the spiritual waste and the evil ki it contains that gave Janemba this power.    Maybe it has something to do with the Tank Clerk as well, since he’s an oni.    Alone, he’s just a lowly subordinate of Yemma, but he must have some sort of power in matters of the living and the dead, and maybe all this evil ki amplified that to make him strong enough to thwart King Yemma.

But that only explains “how”.   There’s still the question of “why?”   It’s often pointed out that Janemba is a pretty weak villain because he doesn’t talk and he has no apparent goals or motives.   But I think that’s a common trait with a lot of Dragon Ball villains.  

Pilaf and Piccolo wanted to conquer the world, but I’m pretty sure both guys only said that because that’s such a stock answer.    It’s a vague expression of desire for power and control, but Pilaf can’t even run more than two people at a time, and Piccolo only wanted to rule the world so he could destroy its people and stick it to Kami.   I think you can lump in with that all the bad guys who wanted to be immortal:  Garlic Junior, Frieza, Vegeta.   Lord Slug only wished for youth, but that’s just because he lacked the imagination to wish or immortality.    The ultimate point was just to eliminate any threats to their existing power.  

Then you have guys like Turles and Dr. Wheelo, who only seemed to be interested in acquiring greater power for themselves.  There were hints in Movies 2 and 3 about what those guys would do with their power once they had enough.   Wheelo would probably continue doing evil experiments on the world, and Turtles maybe would have overthrown Frieza, but Turles strikes me as a free spirit, and he only wanted to be strong enough to keep guys like Frieza from hassling him.    For all we know, Dr. Wheelo only wanted Goku’s body because he missed having sex.   

Then you’ve got the revenge squad: Dr. Gero, Cooler, Crane Hermit, Paragus, Broly ‘93, Lord Jaguar, Babidi.   All of these guys wanted blood in exchange for some personal slight that really isn’t worth it.   Well, Jaguar didn’t actually want to kill anyone, but that only makes him an idiot.    You don’t clone an army of bio-warriors unless you want someone dead.  

The point I’m getting at here is that most of these guys have really lousy motivations, and that doesn’t even get into the villains with seemingly no motivations at all. 

Commander Red wanted to be taller, which is so stupid he kept it a secret because he knew it was stupid, and the only guy he told ended up shooting him in the face because of how stupid it was.   

Mercenary Tao was in it for money, even though he famously never paid for anything.  

Tien wanted to kill people because he looked up to killers until they started killing people he liked.

Android 17 and Cell wanted to have fun.   I’d throw 18 into that group, but honestly, I think she just sort of went along with whatever 17 did, which is almost sadder.

Who the hell knows what Bojack wanted?    He got killed before he could really spell it out. 

And then you have Majin Buu, who doesn’t even understand his own motivations.   He thought he only killed people for fun, and then when he decided it was wrong, he stopped, only to transform into another form who wanted to fight, and then another form who killed people for its own sake.

Now these are all really shitty motivations, and yet at the same time a lot of these guys are classic villains.   That’s because the thesis of Dragon Ball is that power without purpose is self-defeating.    Goku uses his strength to improve himself and help others.   The bad guys always try to use their power for selfish reasons, and it always leads to empty achievements.   Conquests they can’t enjoy, endless searches for fulfillment, and pointless scrambling for even greater power.    Any fool with a weapon can murder someone, so what difference does it make to rule the world or be the strongest in the universe if that’s all you know to do with your time?

What’s all of this have to do with Janemba?   Remember, he’s been possessed with evil ki from a multitude of wicked souls.    In other words, he’s got the distilled essence of the same thing that made all those other bad guys tick.    Frieza, King Piccolo, whoever your favorite is, Janemba’s got the same urges times a billion.   And this is what he’s become:

Just some goofy man-child-thing that only knows how to hit people and say his own name.   He’s powerful, sure, but he doesn’t know what to do with all that power.  I think it’s safe to assume he could do a lot more than we see in this movie, but this is as far as his imagination goes.   

And that does resemble Majin Buu in a lot of ways.   Let’s face it, Janemba is clearly a knockoff of Buu.    I don’t think that’s a big shocker from a movie series that gave us such bold ideas as “Evil Goku” and “Frieza’s Brother” and “More Androids.”

But I do think Janemba has a bit more to offer than that, because unlike Buu, we get to witness his origin.    Think about all the souls who went through that spirit cleansing machine.    All of their evil desires were stripped away and concentrated into Janemba.   What was their one common thought, the one sentiment that united them all?  What was the one experience they all shared and would want to avenge?    Here’s a hint:

I submit that Janemba represents the combined loathing of millions of souls towards King Yemma.   But Yemma���s not their enemy; he’s just doing his job.   The universe is designed to have Yemma pass judgement on the dead.    That’s just the way it works.    And once those damned souls pass through the cleanser, they can appreciate that with a newfound clarity.    But the evil residue they left behind?   That stuff is still sore about it.  

And, to a point, I think that spiritual waste can find a kindred spirit in Tank Clerk, since he’s also kind of frustrated with the Way Things Are.   He’d rather goof off and listen to his tunes, but he has to go to work and pay attention to his job.    That’s no one’s fault, that’s just life.   I don’t think Tank Clerk was ever angry about it, but the spirit waste comes from people who were, and when they got mixed together...

... You end up with a monster who’s made it his business to rebel against the natural order of the universe.   He traps King Yemma, but doing so causes dominoes to fall all over creation.    Maybe Janemba understands the consequences of this, or maybe he doesn’t, but he isn’t concerned with consequences.   He’s just lashing out like a child who’s mad that he can’t have his own way.    Well, your own way wrecks things for everyone else, Janemba, as we’ll soon see...

[mittensmorgul]

8.21, The Great Escapist:

Kevin sees through Crowley's trap, knows he's being held hostage and made to believe he's interacting with Sam and Dean and still safe, but lol... the fake Sam and Dean are... pretty sketchy... :P

Meanwhile, Sam and Dean are looking for Metatron because they believe Kevin is dead. When Sam gets closer, his health begins to deteriorate even faster, as he's "resonating with the Word," which Metatron equates with himself (which... should've been a warning, honestly)

Meanwhile meanwhile, Cas is on the run with the tablet, doing my favorite Cas thing ever... sitting, drinking coffee, at Biggersons after Biggersons, being both incredibly human and incredibly not-human at the same time, using quantum superposition to elude capture by the angels... until they use his ploy to stop him by slaughtering a Biggersons full of innocent people... >.>

We also learn where Cas has been hiding the angel tablet (inside himself! he just gulped it down!) when Crowley shoots him in the gut with an angel-killing bullet and pulls out the tablet. Ion (another angel) has been working for Crowley while Heaven's been in uproar:

CASTIEL: How— how far can this go? ION: Shh. Shut up. CASTIEL: Ion. How far can we let it all drop? This charge was left to us, it's our mission. ION: Do you even know what the mission was? They've been in all our heads. CASTIEL: We aren't machines for them to program and reprogram. That wasn't what this was meant to be. ION: Nothing matters. CASTIEL: You are so wrong, brother. It all matters. CASTIEL digs out the angel bullet from the wound on his stomach.

And  then he crams that bullet into Ion's eye... and escapes... (to where Dean nearly runs him over in the middle of the road at the end of the episode).

Back to Sam and Dean... they find Metatron, who... is unhelpfully helpful... He knows what the trials will do, but he doesn't actually give them any answers. he just sort of... manipulates them into thinking they're doing the right thing here, despite the fact he's apparently never even HEARD of the Winchesters, and has had no idea what's been going on, and completely missed the APOCALYPSE, the Leviathans, doesn't even know Michael and Lucifer are both in the cage, apparently... all of it... He first confirmed that all four archangels were dead or locked up, and then you can almost see the scheeming beginning:

METATRON: I'm not one of them. I'm not an archangel. Really more run-of-the-mill. I worked in the secretarial pool before God chose me to take down the Word. Anyway, he... seemed very worried about his work, what would happen to it when he left, so he had me write down instructions. Then, he was gone. After that, the archangels took over. [he pulls up a chair and sits down] And they cried, and they wailed. They wanted their father back. I mean, we all did. But then... then they started to scheme. The archangels decided if they couldn't have Dad, they'd take over the universe themselves. But they couldn't do anything that big without the Word of God. So I began to realize, maybe they would realize... they needed me.

They needed HIM because he could tap into the power of the Word, because he wrote it... but with them out of the way and heaven in chaos, HE CAN BE THE ONE WITH THE POWER.

METATRON: You really intend on closing the doors of Hell? DEAN: Seems like the thing to do, don't it? METATRON: It's your choice. And that's what this has all been about, the choices your kind make. But you're gonna have to weigh that choice. Ask yourself: what is it going to take to do this, and what will the world be like after it's done?

Well, Dean understands this to mean that all demons will be sucked back to hell and trapped there forever. And yet Metatron seems to be prodding him to consider that might not be the case, as we'll see when he pulls the same trick on Heaven. The angels aren't locked up, they're dumped out onto the earth... (much like Chuck ripped a hole into Hell in 14.20 and released a bunch of souls... so I think we're actually seeing what the world would've been like had they actually gone through with the hell-shutting in 8.23...). But Dean believes "his version of this story" is the correct one, just as Sam had naively (in his words from 8.16) believed he could perform these trials and survive through sheer force of will.

This is honestly why I LOVE Metatron so much. To him, the true power of humanity is in words, in storytelling, from the stories we write to the "stories" we tell ourselves ABOUT ourselves.

METATRON (grinning): And it was something to watch. What you brought to His Earth, all the mayhem, the murder. Just the raw, wild invention of God's naked apes... it was mind-blowing. But really... really, it was your storytelling. That is the true flower of free will. At least as you've mastered it so far. When you create stories, you become gods, of tiny, intricate dimensions unto themselves. So many worlds! I have read... as much as it's possible for an angel to read, and I haven't caught up.

But then he goes on to save Kevin from Crowley, erasing all the angel warding on his way, because that's one of his powers as the Scribe of God (which is terrifying, this power to "alter words" like on a whim. With words now equated with god-like powers of creation, well... this is kinda unsettling and makes me doubt even more everything on those tablets...

[dontcallmecarrie]

Something that'd be interesting to see is your take on Fury becoming more proactive in Tony's childhood. Him seeing Howard's lack of parenting/interaction and Obadiah creeping in on Tony and deciding that it would be better if he got involved with Tony instead.

I assume you’re talking about Watch The Power Fold, feat. Obadiah’s being Palpatine 2.0 and influencing Tony? The one that wasn’t meant to be a happy AU, except my brain can’t do angst and cue fixit that’ll give everyone headaches down the road? Under the cut, because it went from ‘fixit’ to ‘fixit that grew legs and plot and fuck this is another fic now isn’t it’ pretty damn fast.

Nick Fury hadn’t intended to, is the thing. Howard had been very, very firm about keeping his son out of SHIELD, and Fury hadn’t disagreed, given the nature of what they got up to sometimes. Not when the kid had grown on him [even if he wouldn’t admit it under pain of death]. 

He’d seen Tony grow up, had seen him around when he was in the mansion working with Howard, had heard Howard’s talking warmly of his son. Nick Fury’d seen Tony grow up more than his father did, actually, what with working security for the family of the cofounder of SHIELD while Howard was away on business, or searching for Captain America. 

So, yes, the kid’d grown on him, so what? Only thing is, the more time goes on, the busier things get, and…the more some things don’t sit right with Fury. Specifically, while Howard had done his best to keep his family and SHIELD separate, he had a bad habit of taking his work home when it came to Stark Industries, and that’s where things get…dicey.  

Fury can’t explain just why Obadiah Stane rubs him wrong, just that he does. It makes sense that the man’s trying to ingratiate himself to Howard’s family, what with working with them and all, and his background checks out, but. Something doesn’t sit right with Fury, plain and simple. The way Obadiah’s set himself up as a fun uncle figure isn’t actually suspicious, after all: the one time he’d brought it up, both Peggy and Howard had joked about his being too paranoid. 

In one life, he’d avoid approaching Tony until decades later. Here, however…

He’d been suspicious, before the accident. Afterwards, however? The situation’s got him gritting his teeth but trying to still respect Howard’s wishes, right up until the only other adult figure in the kid’s life that isn’t Obadiah has a heart attack, not six months after the accident. 

By now, Fury’s the Director of SHIELD, he’s got better things to do than worry about how Tony was dealing with things. [Right?]

…then he sees the way Obadiah’s got some very shady friends who are this close to going on a watch list, and the way he’s acting around Tony, and goes, “fuck it, sorry Howard but your kid’s better off as my apprentice than that fucker’s pawn”.

Here, Fury is really, really blunt in his interference with Obadiah’s machinations. Instead of Tony leaning on Obie [and thus playing right into his hands], here, Fury basically barges in and drags him off.

Well, no; more like bribes him off, because where Obie would’ve gone “do you know what your father used to say?”, Fury’s just there and going “hey kid we’ve got some of your dad’s notes from his other job, you interested?” which, combined with Tony having seen him around the mansion as a kid, means Tony decides to check it out. 

That the one-eyed guy’s got some stories to tell about his dad really, really helps, too. As does the fact that his dad apparently helped found a vague yet menacing government agency, and even if it hurts that he never knew, Tony still wants to learn more, and Fury is more than willing to deliver.  Add to that a bunch of cool-looking projects, and adults who treat him as a slightly short coworker, and Tony’s basically hooked; even if Obie wanted him to ditch, he wouldn’t.

Sure, it eats up a huge chunk of time, and Tony’s slightly sorry that he can’t spend as much time with Obie anymore, but…he’s learning things, so there’s that? Between wrapping up his doctorates, gearing up to become the CEO of his dad’s company, and this, he’s booked, but it’s worth it. He’s learning about international politics from the inside, seeing actual spies doing their thing and getting ideas for optimizing weapon designs, and the list just goes on because Tony winds up as Fury’s apprentice. [Somehow.]

From the head honcho himself, Tony’s learning to be The Spy, learns about watching his back to keep it from being stabbed, about how good people are few and far between, about the value of blackmail and how to keep an ear on the ground. Life lessons that aren’t what some would like to impart, but invaluable in survival when swimming with sharks. 

Much like Howard, dealing with the intelligence community takes a toll on Tony. Unlike Howard, however, Tony got some coping mechanisms drilled into his head early on in the game, because Fury’d already seen one Stark become an alcoholic, no need to add to that number. Also, Tony’s not as obsessed with searching for Captain America, there’s that, too, and that JARVIS can watch his back is invaluable to his peace of mind. 

He’s also taken to using a pseudonym in SHIELD, just in case. Well, that, and also because the comparisons to Howard are really, really getting on his nerves [plus the rumors of nepotism can fuck right off]. As far as aliases go, Antonio Carbonell may sound pretty damn obvious, but between contact lenses and switching up accents, nobody not in the know’s caught on so far.

All in all, Tony’s basically following in his father’s footsteps, set to inherit both Stark Industries and a very high post in SHIELD if he keeps it up. He’s not under Obie’s thumb, and in fact isn’t actually as trusting as he might have been otherwise, so the man can’t do as much double-dealing as he might have otherwise. Sure, Tony’s pretty damn busy, and that people on occasion tend to compare him to Howard even more than they might have otherwise tends to get on his nerves, but otherwise? Tony’s not complaining. 

On the other hand, Nick Fury got quite a bit of criticism for doing what he did, roping Tony into SHIELD and making him his apprentice. Some of the higher-ups also knew about Howard’s not wanting to involve his family, and that Fury chose Tony, aka the media’s favorite person, to be a possible future head of SHIELD was not exactly a popular choice. Some thought he was taking advantage of the situation, forcing a grieving orphan and molding him to basically fill his father’s shoes, and…well, they’re not wrong per se. Not like they could do anything about it, though; Fury’s too high up the chain, after all. 

…the critics shut up after the Merchant of Death first made his appearance. 

And here’s where the headache component starts to kick in, because Fury took Tony in under his wing, after he lost not just his parents but Jarvis as well. Here, Tony’s spent over a year learning the ropes from the best. Here, the Merchant of Death is honest-to-goodness pretty damn terrifying, actually. 

Moments like that, it’s pretty damn easy to tell why Nick Fury chose him as his apprentice, early rumors of nepotism be damned.

Time goes by, Tony gets older, and things keep escalating as his clearance goes up. He’s pretty damn busy nowadays, but sometimes there’s projects that catch his eye that get mentioned in his dad’s notes, and that’s the story of how he invents a new element in a SHIELD bunker while running on four hours of sleep and seventeen cups of coffee. 

Time passes, and Fury’s only slightly regretful of the way things’ve panned out: Tony’s quite a bit more jaded than in canon, having Seen Some Shit while working in SHIELD, but…still better than being under Obadiah’s thumb, right? Sure, he got sucked into SHIELD exactly the way Howard had been trying to avoid, but…fuck he’s regretting it. 

Part of said regret comes from the headache he gets from…well. See, in one life Tony had Uncle Obie to lean on. Here, however, Fury kinda took his place, only he’s genuinely invested in Tony’s life. What that means is, Nick Fury maaybe might have kind of adopted Tony, in a sense. Just a little, though, more like Tony’s his favorite the same way Coulson has his with Barton and Romanov.  [yeah, right]

Speaking of which: man does that matchup give everyone migraines. Clint and Tony met pretty early on, and got into a snark-off after Clint made a crack about Tony’s age and Tony made a crack about Clint’s arrows and somehow that ended up with them commandeering a gun range, several prototypes, and geeking out over blast radii. By the time Natasha enters the picture, just the mention of Barton and Stark has the quartermaster groaning. With Natasha, however, Tony reveals just how unnervingly good he is at masks, weirding out everyone else in the room and their team-up quickly becomes a favorite for deep cover missions. 

…not that it happens all that often, however. After all, Tony’s got a company to run, and in SHIELD he’s been on the administrative track since Day One, rather than on the field. It still happens with enough regularity to give everyone else headaches, though. 

By the time we’ve reached Afghanistan, Tony’s been the Merchant of Death for years, and is also secretly the Assistant Deputy Director of SHIELD, which is pretty high up the chain. Main reason he’s not even higher is because of the time commitment; he’s pretty damn busy as is, and he refuses to be Howard. 2.0 with a shitty work-life balance. He’s sick of being compared to the man, and that Obie doesn’t approve of his work outside SI means he’s acutely aware of the parallels.

Afghanistan still happens. Only here, it’s because he’s heard rumors of his company double-dealing, and Tony Stark’s weapons demo had been planned as a front for Antonio Carbonell to look into things.

…suffice it is to say, his kidnapping throws a huge wrench into the works.

Especially because Tony’s not a civilian; he’s Seen Some Shit in SHIELD, after all. He’s had RTI training, has run support on ops that’ve gone to shit, so he’s prepared. Mostly. [Waterboarding still sucks, though, and the arc reactor’s installation was…not fun.] 

Still, could’ve been worse. At least he’s still got both eyes intact. Plus he managed to escape, and even managed to drag Yinsen out too. [He’d do well in SHIELD.]

Even better, however, is the intel he got from the shitshow, and that’s also the story of how Obadiah Stane disappears mysteriously less than a month later. Or, rather, no; died in a plane crash, right. Good riddance, even if Tony still felt a pang of…something, when he’d learned about the betrayal. 

[…Fury may or may not have tapped Coulson to handle it personally.]

Iron Man still exists. Only here, Tony sticks to the cards, because he is intimately aware of the value of secrecy, what with having worked with a shadowy government agency for half his life now, and he learned from the best.  Sometimes it’s JARVIS that’s piloting the suit, because Tony’s busy enough as is between his work at  Stark Industries, and career at SHIELD.

Time goes on, and when the palladium thing comes up, Tony bolts to his new  element as an option, and is very relieved when it works. However, he still steps down as CEO of SI, because between Stark Industries, SHIELD, and Iron Man, he’s clocking an average of four hours of sleep and, again, he’s not Howard, he wants a sane work-life balance.

Time goes on, and canon gets summarily derailed. Dealing with Vanko was a headache, though on the plus side his long, long experience with bureaucracy and government organizations means Tony’s keeping Iron Man out of military hands was a snap. Plus the face Natasha made, when she saw him as Tony and not Antonio, was worth it, even if it also meant she wouldn’t go easy on him the next time they sparred…oh, yeah, and he was also tapped to be a consultant for the Avengers Initiative, but what were the odds of that happening?  

Steve’s reaction to looking into Howard’s file, and then Tony’s, was…interesting.

Once he starts to get a read on the situation, he makes assumptions. Assumptions that Tony does not appreciate at all, because excuse you, Rogers, just because he copied some of his old man’s career moves doesn’t mean he’s Howard 2.0, fuck you very much. 

Suffice it is to say, they don’t exactly get along very well at first. 

Tony hates being compared to Howard, especially since he’d taken great pains to make his career in SHIELD his own. Literally the only reason Steve knows about the Tony Stark = Antonio Carbonell thing is because of his being an Avenger, plus good luck hiding the familiarity he has with Clint and Natasha. But Tony manages to be professional; kinda hard not to, after the long, long list of assholes he’s had to work with over the years. If he could deal with Ward’s being a self-entitled prick, no way is he going to let some supersoldier cramp his style, nope.

Bruce’s biggest concern in all this is the discovery that he got in when he was 17, but Tony hand-waved it with a “working with Fury’s more fun than the guy who almost got me killed” that did not, in fact, comfort anyone else in the room. [Oops.] 

…okay, I can see this AU going one of two ways: 

Either Tony finds out about HYDRA a lot earlier [he doesn’t trust many people, has a powerful AI watching his back, and access to SHIELD’s databases. You do the math], thus derailing the events of The Winter Soldier. It’s a mess, mind, but it gets taken care of early on in canon.

or,

Tony’s basically front and center for the clusterfuck that happens when the Winter Soldier shows up. [exploring this one because cue angst]

Because this was Fury we’re talking about. Fury, who stepped in and basically adopted him after he’d lost his parents, lost Jarvis, was one of the few people in his life who hadn’t betrayed him—Fury, who’s been reported dead, killed by the Winter Solider. 

Suffice it is to say, Tony is not about to take that lying down.

When Steve’s just reeling from the ‘trust no one’ thing, Tony barges in, nodding tersely to Natasha and a hair away from going Merchant of Death on everyone. [They couldn’t have gotten rid of him if they’d tried.] The group ends up having an AI looking out for them, and the more time goes on the more personal it gets, because of obvious reasons. Tony ends up kind of copying T’Challa re: ‘hunting down the Winter Soldier because of a dead father figure’, and Tony only gets scarier as shit goes down. 

As in: Steve’d been taken aback, when he’d first learned of how shady SHIELD really was. The way Tony’d iced over, was playing with fire with a familiar ease and barking orders over encrypted comms, didn’t exactly help, either. Even if it was pretty damn useful at times, because turns out Antonio Carbonell’s position in the SHIELD chain of command means he’s hearing some really interesting things, and that he’s also the CEO of Stark Industries means it takes all of one (1) phone call to get Sam’s wings without ruffling any feathers. 

All in all, a good ally. Even if the parallels are basically smacking everyone in the face at this point, because Tony may have hated being compared to his father but there was no denying that there was a Stark involved in SHIELD for the entirety of its existence. That he’d been adopted mentored by Fury’s only the icing on the cake, really. 

So when the HYDRA reveal happens, well…

Tony goes scarily silent, after hearing Zola. Then, he wordlessly unloads a full three clips into the servers, and Steve and Natasha get a front row seat to a pissed-off Iron Man doing what he does best. There’s probably some poetic irony in Tony helping burn what his father created, but nobody involved really cares for it. 

With Tony on hand, stopping Project Insight’s a hell of a lot easier. Also, the collateral damage is reduced. If that means JARVIS helped filter out the innocents from being burned, or if the Iron Legion’s picking up everyone who’s not HYDRA, is up to you; no matter what, though, it is a mess and a nightmare in regards to paperwork. Silver lining to this mess, though: Tony’s learning about how his parents really died, and subsequent lashing out, means he’s mostly made his peace with the Winter Soldier. 

…mostly. It’ll take some time, anyway, but at least Tony’s not liable to blast him next time he sees him, which, combined with how he’s asked JARVIS to help Steve look for the guy, means it’s as good as it’s going to get for now, probably. [It helps that Fury survived.]

…kinda ran out of steam there. Oh, before I forget:

The events of IM3 either don’t happen, or go down differently, because as far as targets go, good fucking luck getting to him: his involvement in SHIELD means he’s paranoid af, just like Fury [learned from the best, after all].

JARVIS here’s even more powerful, what with Tony trusting him to watch his back when swimming with sharks, and is thus also a tad more Skynet than most’d be comfortable with. So’s the Iron Legion.

If, by some stroke of sheer dumb luck Kilian still manages to get to Tony, well…RIP, dude, for pissing off the Merchant of Death [and Fury’s kid, not that either Fury or Tony’ll admit it]

Also, Tony’s PTSD isn’t as big a thing here, what with his not being a civilian and Fury having made sure he’d learned healthy coping mechanisms early on.  

If it ever comes up, he’d be bffs with Sharon Carter, what with the ‘my parental figure helped found SHIELD and didn’t want me involved’ thing, as well as the ‘changed my name so my achievements are of my own merit’ thing. 

Steve’d look at the two, and facepalm forever.

Peggy Carter was actually one of the ones who disapproved of Fury’s bringing Tony into SHIELD; she was in the ‘you’re taking advantage of a grieving orphan to fill his father’s shoes, wtf is wrong with you’ camp. She wasn’t vocal about it, and never said anything to Tony, but she side-eyed Fury right up to her retirement. She did call to apologize after the Obadiah reveal, though, and Fury managed to have his “I fucking told you so” moment. [Ha. Who’s paranoid now?]

People that know about Tony Stark = Antonio Carbonell are few and far between; I’m talking Nick Fury, probably Phil Coulson because he was there in the early days when Tony snapped after one too many mentions of Howard Stark, and promptly hacked into the systems to change his name because is That Petty. For the most part, though, it’s on a need-to-know basis, and most people really don’t. [Not sure if HYDRA knew;  if they did, it took them a while to figure it out.]. 

No, Tony’s not Fury’s kid in all but name, what’re you talking about? So what if Tony takes after him sometimes, he’s his mentor for crying out loud! Of fucking course he’s going to pick up some things!

No, Fury didn’t adopt Howard’s kid, what the fuck kind of bullshit question is that? No, it’s not like the little shit grew on him, nope, it’s not like he’s fond of that pain in the ass or anything. That he was even pissier than usual when he went MIA’s a complete and utter coincidence, really.

...aka really pushing the family dynamic here.

uh-oh the more I think of it the more things it’d derail brain no

[hellyeahrpmemes]

※ MORE JENNA MARBLES SENTENCE STARTERS ※

sentences from 10 more of jenna’s videos -- feel free to change names/pronouns/zodiac signs/etc.! more jenna sentences

AN ADVENTURE IN PARAFFIN WAX

“You’re calling this a bad idea? I haven’t even started yet…!”

“You can’t hide behind bad ideas.”

“I’ll take one fuck me up fam and a knife, please.”

“All of my fucking dreams are coming true.”

“I did not anticipate it taking three fucking hours, but here we go.”

“Why don’t you snap me some nudes while we wait?”

“I look like the hamburger helper guy.”

“Imagine the power of this in the wrong hands. Those are my hands.”

“I like my nails like I like my life: a mess.”

“Are you judging me?”

“Considerate bukkake is the new genre of porn.”

“No good idea has ever come from my brain.”

“They will not let you do this at the salon because they clearly don’t like fun.”

“We don’t care about your safety, anyone else’s safety, or the fire code.”

“What, you don’t like fun?”

“I’ve invented a thing…! I’ve invented a thing that’s never existed before…! As far as I know…!”

“Are you impressed or what?”

“This has been bothering me for, like, fifteen years.”

“I invented fucking candle hands, okay?”

MAKING TINY THINGS FOR OUR HAMSTER 2

“Can I trust you with the scissors?”

“I swear to god, we’re gonna go to the hospital by the end of this video.”

“Go wash yourself, you’re nasty, and you need Jesus.”

“Babe, do you know what my astrological sign is?”

“It means that you’re fucking insane.”

“What are you writing on your hand?”

“Don’t write secrets about Joel Osteen on your hand.”

“This is fucking frustrating already.”

“Julien’s doing aries things again…”

“Now we have some time to talk about how you need to stop it.”

“If it comes out shitty, don’t make fun of me, okay?”

“This is fucking impossible.”

“It’s not exactly perfect, but we tried our best.”

“This took so much effort, oh my god.”

“When you’re dating me, do you ever just feel like, what the fuck?”

“I mean, this shit’s ridiculous.”

“I failed, I’m sorry, I’m trying my best.”

“Bitch, where the fuck am I?”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re a little ungrateful.”

“Not quite a success, but not quite a failure, so, sounds a lot like my life.”

GIVING MYSELF A PERM

“First of all, I have a wedding to go to this weekend, how can I fuck that up?”

“What can I do that I’ve always wanted to do?”

“I want a perm, but not like a full-blown one.”

“Excuse you, I have a living, breathing online resumé that I think more than qualifies me as a beauty professional.”

“Get fucked.”

“Yeah, this smells like ass.”

“I have a question for you, Julien. Why do you put up with me?”

“I haven’t gone to a professional hair dresser since, what, last December…?”

“I’d like one fuck me up fam.”

“Apparently, this stuff burns your skin and shit.”

“I feel like, if this works, you’re gonna be fuckin’ jealous.”

“I’m in the middle of something…!”

“I feel so disrespected.”

“This is mediocre at best, but we done did it.”

“Hey, that’s kind of dramatic.”

“Did you just spit on the floor…!?”

“Have you ever tried swatting flies with a knife?”

“It’s not time to dick around yet.”

“It’s always time to dick around, okay?”

“I just look like a dirtier version of myself.”

“Is it bad that I kinda like it?”

“This level of damage takes such hard work and dedication.”

“I’m having so much fucking fun right now, are you kidding me?”

“Touch this and tell me what it feels like?”

“For $8, this is an awful lot of fun.”

I SUCK AT PRANKS 3

“We’re just gonna have to freak out and do it.”

“Who, after a long day of hard work, doesn’t love to come home to a surprise prom?”

“He’s gonna be pissed, and it’s gonna make a mess.”

“Wait, who the fuck are you?”

“I hope that he’s too busy and doesn’t notice that I’m gone at all.”

“Is this even fucking worth it?”

“I will do anything to romance prank my boyfriend.”

“I’m a little disappointed, but it’s gonna be alright.”

“What the fuck is that?”

“No, you’re ruining prom…!”

“This bubble machine has more than paid for itself in fun.”

“Oh my god, I don’t know what to do, I’m not almost done.”

“Julien’s gonna be pissed, but that’s okay.”

“This is gonna be a disaster to clean up.”

“I didn’t expect him home this soon — he said 5 PM, and it is not 5 PM. I’m freaking out.”

“I’m not good at pranks or surprises.”

“Will you go to prom with me?”

“What is going on?”

“Am I being pranked?”

“What are you wearing?”

“We’re going to prom…!”

“I have to go, immediately.”

“I got a fog machine that doesn’t work.”

“Be very careful, it’s slippery.”

“Help yourself to some punch — it’s watermelon water and vodka.”

“You scared the shit out of me when I walked in.”

“This was amazing…!”

“Alright, clean this shit up.”

GOOGLE DEEP DIVE WITH ME 2

“I don’t know if I can take any more.”

“I’m literally losing my mind today.”

“That dog looks like it’s wearing dentures.”

“First of all, fuck her.”

“Don’t look at me, look at the road.”

“She’s gonna kill someone.”

“Nobody had a good time in Driver’s Ed.”

“How is that not against the law?”

“We’re having a really hard day.”

“There’s nothing to dislike about this…!”

“I’m invested in the story now.”

“This is my favorite channel on the Internet.”

“Get back here right now.”

“He just shot her…!”

“Dude, this guy’s a fuckin pro…!”

“He’s a legend. He’s an absolute legend.”

MY DOGS EATING PEANUT BUTTER FOR 3 MINUTES STRAIGHT

“Nothing serious is happening, you don’t need to be worried.”

“I’m just feeling not quite like myself today.”

“I thought to myself, what would make me happy today?”

“I love watching dogs — or any animal, really — eating peanut butter.”

“This is what I’m gonna make this week.”

SHAVING MY BOYFRIEND’S FACE

“You’re gonna have to teach me all of this.”

“Are you still gonna love me if I accidentally cut you?”

“Get you a man that loves you even if you cut him.”

“It’s a neck beard, and I don’t want one.”

“This part takes me approximately 30 seconds to do by myself.”

“Can I shave the rest of your body?”

“Can I use this on my legs?”

“That’s perfect, you’re doing really well.”

“Why are you laughing?”

“You bailed out?”

“This is a lot of trust I’m giving you right now.”

“I like when you praise me.”

“I think you look super hot… and a little crazy.”

“I feel so objectified.”

“Baby… you hardly shaved me.”

“I wanted to err on the side of caution.”

“I’m saving myself for marriage.”

“Can I shave your eyebrows?”

“Can I shave your head? Like, with a razor?”

“I’m ignoring you.”

“Are you complimenting yourself?”

“We can’t all be aries, okay? The world would be a fucking tornado and nothing would get done.”

“That is the definition of being nasty.”

“Alright, um, clean all this shit up.”

RECREATING FACE PAINTINGS

“Did I just call myself a lady?”

“This is what a grown woman does in her free time.”

“Just know that I’m putting my life at risk for you.”

“I hate the Internet.”

“This really isn’t off to a great start.”

“Orange isn’t gonna work, it’s too pale, because I am the color of that.”

“This shit is cute as fuck.”

“What about this says blowjob to you?”

“Oh, that’s terrifying…!”

“Do you like it or not…!?”

“There’s a cockroach in there, I’m gonna die.”

“Oh my actual god, that looks horrifying.”

“Are you the art police?”

“I have to go because there’s a cockroach lost in my house somewhere, and we’ve gotta burn it down.”

“It’s time to burn the house down, Julien.”

“I hope that you’re pleased with yourselves.”

PRANK CALLING PEOPLE BUT WE CAN’T HEAR THEM

“I’m not cut out for pranks. I just feel guilty the whole time.”

“I don’t feel bad pranking them - they deserve it.”

“Where are you? I’m looking for you, I can’t find you.”

“I told you to block your number…!”

“I’m super high.”

“You guys wanna get three-way married?”

“Did he just think I was high out of my mind?”

“I got high. I got too high.”

“Wait, is she actually having a breakdown or something?”

“I don’t know what to say!”

“It’s fun calling your friends like this.”

“I couldn’t say the word butthole to save my life.”

“This is just the lowest kind of humor, and sometimes, it’s what’s necessary in the world.”

“Alright, that’s it, that’s what we contributed to the world today.”

TEACHING MY BOYFRIEND HOW TO PITCH A SOFTBALL

“I was a pitcher in college, but, like, not a good one.”

“Look at me right now and tell me you’re not intimidated.”

“Get that off your fuckin head, you damn idiot.”

“This is fun, we’re having fun.”

“Oh my god, are you trying to kill me?”

“That’s good; you’re doing better than I thought you’d do.”

“How actually dare you?”

“Get your sweaty hat off of me.”

“This feels a lot like revenge, and I’m feeling pretty happy about it.”

“Don’t break it; it’s vintage and authentic.”

“You look like my mom and my dad.”

“You found a sport you’re not good at.”

“True life I killed my girlfriend.”

“This is not the sport for me.”

“I’m not gonna give in to your weird, sick fantasies today.”

“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.”

“Everything hurts, but it’s good.”

“You look like you’re in genuine pain.”

“Who hurt you?”

“Respect me.”

“Now hit the showers.”

“Are you coming, or…?”

“One of us finished their college career.”

“I got hurt.”

“If you don’t fuckin let me down, I swear to god.”

“Pay me for my services…!”

“I’m gonna call the police…!”

[fardell24b]

Daria in Danville - Adventure and Trouble in Danville

Part 5: Adventure and Trouble in Danville

Sam and Chris Griffin reached a small park within Danville’s eastern reaches and collapsed on a bench.

 “Are we anywhere near Phineas and Ferb’s house?” Chris asked.

 “Just a few more blocks, I need to catch my breath,” Sam replied.

 “Not too long, dweeb.”

 “Who are you calling dweeb? You suck!” Sam said as he rubbed the top of Chris’s head, ruffling his hair.

 “No, you suck!” Chris complained, hitting back.

 “I hope that they will be able to help us,” Sam said, with some hope in his voice, half a minute after their tussle.

 “Of course they will.”

 “This is nothing compared to their usual stuff.”

 “I guess.”

 “I mean they don’t usually rescue teenagers.”

  After a few minutes rest, they set off again.

  Ten minutes later, Sam and Chris approached the Flynn-Fletcher house.

  The Griffin kids entered the yard and walked up to Phineas where he was directing the building project. “Hi,” he said in welcome.

 “We need your help! Our sister was kidnapped by a robot!” Sam pleaded.

 ‘We can help,’ Phineas thought, and turned to his stepbrother. “Ferb, I know what else we’re doing today.”

 “Excellent!”

Stacy Rowe looked out the window and saw Sam and Chris in the yard. “Wait a minute, Sandi’s brothers are here!” she stated. She then dashed out.

 “Sandi’s brothers?” Jane asked as she finished a sketch of the stone skypad apartment.

 “Yes, maybe they know more about where Sandi could be,” Daria reasoned.

   Stacy, Daria, Jane and Candace came out into the yard as Sam finished telling Phineas about Norm’s abduction of Sandi. “What is happening?” Daria asked.

 “Apparently a robot kidnapped Sandi,” Phineas said.

  “It came from Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated,” Sam asserted.

 “Means nothing to me,” Jane said.

 “Same here,” Daria stated.

 “Actually, that’s Vanessa’s last name,” Stacy mentioned.

 “Vanessa?” Daria asked.

 “She’s a Goth,” Stacy answered.

 “One of Andrea’s friends?” Jane asked.

 “Yeah.”

 “I know it’s a company here in Danville, which is why we came here,” Sam added.

 “Here in Danville?” Daria said in thought.

 “You know what to do, don’t you?” Jane asked.

 “All we have to do is find out where it is,” Daria stated. She turned to Candace. “Could you Google it?”

 “Sure,” Candace affirmed. “I guess I’ll call my friend too.”

  Candace opened her Mozilla (she didn’t know how others could stand using Internet Explorer) and Googled‘Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated’.

 “OK, it has a website!” She pointed to the screen, where the URL read, “www.DoofEvilInc.com”

  Stacy Hirano was reading from one of her favorite books when her cell phone rang. “Hi, Candace,” she said, already knowing who it was. She had been wondering why she hadn’t called yet that morning.

 “Stacy, could you come over?” Candace asked.

 “This doesn’t have anything to do with your brothers, does it?”

 “Only partly.”

 “What do you mean, ‘only partly,’?”

 “I’ll explain when you get here.”

  “OK, Stacy is on her way over here,” Candace stated as she came back to the group.

 “Good,” Daria said.

 “Now what does Candace’s Stacy have to do with DE Inc.?” Jane asked.

 “We’ll need all the help we can get,” Daria explained.

 Jane turned to Candace. “Just what did you find out about DE Inc?”

 “That the CEO is some sort of crackpot inventor.”

 “Oh.”

  As Stacy Hirano approached the Flynn-Fletchers she could see the Jet-Stone buildings behind the house. ‘That’s interesting,’ she thought. She still wondered what Candace meant by ‘only partly’ when she was questioned about her brothers.

  Daria saw Candace’s friend enter the yard. “Hi, you must be Stacy Hirano,” she said.

 “That’s me. And you are?”

 “Daria.”

 “Quinn’s sister, right?”

 “Don’t let her hear that.”

 “So what are we doing?” Stacy asked.

 “Once we’ve completed construction, we’ll take a vehicle and go to Doofensmirtz Evil Incorporated and look for Sandi,” Phineas replied.

 “Sandi Griffin?” Stacy H. asked.

 “Yes, she was kidnapped by a robot this morning,” Stacy R. said.

 “A robot that Phineas and Ferb had nothing to do with,” Chris clarified.

 “It came from that company Phineas mentioned,” Sam said.

 “Ok, but will the vehicle be big enough?” Stacy H. wondered.

 “Of course,” Phineas said.

 “But we need someone to drive or fly it,” Stacy H. pointed out.

 “Either our father or Jane’s brother could do that.”

 “If Trent could be woken.”

 “Oh, he will be.”

 “You don’t know Trent.”

 “How hard could it be?” Phineas asked.

  At Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. the Evil Scientist had finished telling his daughter, nemesis and captive his back-story. “And now! I will activate the Popularity-Amplica-Transfer-Inator! Watch, as I become the most popular person in the TRI-STATE-AREA!”

 “You cannot make yourself like, any more popular simply by firing some sort of beam at me!” Sandi objected, with her arms crossed.

 “Oh, I am afraid he could,” Vanessa answered in a bored tone.

 “The Inator will work, Ms. Griffin. Watch!” Heinz said. He picked up a remote and pointed it at the ‘Inator’, only for it to be kicked out of his hand by Agent P.

 “Escape, will you!?”

 “He’s not the only one!” Sandi challenged, swinging the door of her cage open with a kick.

 Heinz knocked Perry back. “I know that Perry the Platypus is a regular escape artist, but how did you escape?!?”

 “Simple. I used like, a hairpin!” Sandi countered as she jumped out of the cage. She landed next to the ‘Inator’. “You didn’t notice because you were too distracted telling us about your teen years in Drusselstein, or wherever!” Sandi then nodded, signaling Perry. The platypus then approached the Inator.

 “Fortunately for me, Perry the Platypus, the self-destruct button is hidden so you can’t push it.”

 “I will help him,” Sandi declared. She ran towards the machine...

 “Vanessa! Stop her!”

 “You’re on your own, Dad,” Vanessa countered.

 “No, Vanessa!”

 “You should not have kidnapped Sandi! That’s a new level of evil!”

 “A new level?”

 “Yes!” She left the lab.

 “Wait!” Heinz demanded as he followed the other teen and his nemesis to his soon-to-be-doomed invention.

 “Now, there like, has to be a loose panel, or something, somewhere,” Sandi said as she looked the Inator over.

 “Oh, boy!” Heinz groused. He started trying to stop Perry and his sudden assistant from interfering with his Inator, without much success.

  Back at the Flynn-Fletchers, fifteen minutes after Stacy Hirano had arrived; Ferb had put the finishing touches on the vehicle that they would be using to rescue Sandi. “So, before we rush to the rescue, would you like a tour?” Phineas asked.

 “If it’s quick!” Stacy R. fretted.

 “Of course,” Phineas opened the ground level door of the skypad apartment building.

 “Cool elevator,” Jane attested, appreciating its design.

 “You like it?” Phineas asked.

 “Has that Pollock look,” Jane imparted, as she examined the decor more closely,

 “Ah, an art aficionado.”

 “Not just an aficionado.”

  Back at DE Inc. Doofenshmirtz found the remote for the Inator. “Ah-ha!” He activated it. ‘Now, to point it at me and Sandi.’

 Sandi noticed the Inator aiming at her. “Oh no you don’t!” she leapt out of the way, allowing the beam to go out of the building to somewhere else in Danville.

 “Ugh! Will you stop moving, Ms. Griffin?!”

 “No!” Sandi launched herself at Heinz, and started grappling with him for the remote.

 “Uh! There isn’t a self-destruct button on the remote, you know!” Heinz pointed out after a few moments of grappling.

 “No, but this will give Perry, like a chance to find it,” Sandi stated as she tried to pry Heinz’s fingers off the remote with her right hand.

 “Oh, great, Ms. know it all!” Heinz moaned as he started slapping Sandi’s fingers away.

 “You shouldn’t be trying to take other people’s popularity with like, weird inventions,” Sandi said as she rebuffed Heinz’s attempt to stop her gaining the remote.

 “Is that all?” Heinz asked as he tried to tickle Sandi’s palm in an attempt to get her to let go.

 “No! Of course not!” Sandi quipped as she tried to resist the tickling. She then slapped him on his left cheek.

 They continued fighting, Sandi and Perry gaining the upper hand.

  On the top level of the Stone Skypad apartment, Ferb revealed the vehicle that they would be using to the group.

 “It looks like a stone and wood bus. But if I remember TheFlintstones correctly, their vehicles are powered either by humans or by animals. How are you powering this one?” Daria asked.

 “Good that you asked that, Daria,” Phineas responded. He opened a panel on the side of the vehicle. “As you can see, we have some well-fed squirrels ready to help power the propellers and the flapping of the wings. There are also a large number of various types of birds tethered to the roof to help with the lift.”

 “I don’t suppose you have a horse on a treadmill?” Jane wondered.

 “Well, no, but some of us will be pedaling. Much like the chickens in their escape craft in Chicken Run.” Phineas remarked.

 “Looks like we’ll be exerting ourselves after all,” Jane said to Daria.

 “Oh, joy,” Daria stated, intending to leave the pedaling to others.

 “I’m ready to do my best. I hope,” Stacy R. said.

 “Who’s going to drive? Dad’s not here!” Candace commented.

 “It will have to be Trent,” Phineas said.

 “Or my Mom,” Isabella suggested.

 “Sure, if Trent doesn’t want to do it,” Phineas said as he closed the hatch.

   Jane, Daria, Phineas, Ferb, Candace and Buford entered the lounge room. Trent was still sleeping.

 Jane shook Trent vigorously. He didn’t stir. “Told ya; hardly anything wakes him,”

 “Let’s see about that,” Buford said. He leaned down next to Trent’s ear. “LA-ANE!!” he shouted in imitation of Mr.Spacely’s ‘JET-SON!!’

 “AaaHhh!” Trent jumped, and fell to the floor. Once on the floor he fell asleep again.

 “I guess that worked,” Jane conceded.

 “But he’s asleep again,” Daria said.

 “True.”

 “Candace, you know where Mom keeps the coffee?” Phineas asked.

 “Yeah.”

 “You’re going to need something a lot stronger than coffee,” Jane hinted.

 “Ferb, we’re going to need Tabasco sauce, chili peppers, vinegar and garlic.”

 Ferb gave a thumbs up and headed to the kitchen. “Sounds like one of my Dad’s concoctions,” Daria commented to Jane.

 “Great!”

  A couple of minutes later Ferb returned with a pureed mixture in a cup. “OK, Ferb, pour it down his gullet,” Phineas directed.

 Ferb proceeded to open Trent’s mouth and poured the mixture down his throat, whilst holding his nostrils shut.

 A moment later Trent leapt up “Whoa!”

 “He’s up!” Phineas said.

 “Ow, my throat! Janie! What’s going on?”

 “We need you to drive us somewhere.”

 “Oh, going somewhere else in Danville?”

 “Yes, rescuing Quinn’s ‘friend’ Sandi,” Daria said.

 “However there’s a catch,” Jane warned.

 “What sort of catch?” Trent asked warily.

 “We would like you to drive a flying wood and stone bus, like a combination of a Jetsons vehicle with Flintstones technology.”

 “Oh,” Trent thought a moment. “Wouldn’t it just be easier to use my car?”

 “The place where we’re going would be easier to see from the air,” Phineas maintained.

 “OK. I’ll pilot that flying stone bus. Maybe it’ll inspire lyrics for the Spiral.”

 “Very good, Trent,” Jane said.

  Everyone had boarded the ‘Jetstone’ bus. “OK, everybody, buckle-in and put on the provided helmets. We’re about to leave,” Phineasinstructed.

 “Wait, how am I supposed to direct this thing through the air?” Trent asked.

 “Turning the steering wheel turns the vehicle to the left or right, like a normal ground vehicle, via turning the front wheels and the rudders,” Phineas replied.

 “I get that.”

 “Push it forwards to go down and pull it back to go up. And from side to side for the yaw, leaning to the side movements.”

 “Got it.”

 “And, the brake pedal to apply the brakes or deploy the parachutes.”

 “Parachutes. Cool.”

 “And the gear stick and accelerator pedal work as normal.”

 “It’s an automatic?”

 “Yes.”

 “Cool.”

 ‘I fail to see how these wood and grass helmets would be of any use if we fall out of the sky,’ Daria thought, as she put the helmet on.

 “Ferb, is the catapult ready?”

 Ferb gave a thumbs up.

 “You ready, Trent?”

 “As I’ll ever be.”

 “Turn the key,” Phineas instructed.

 Trent turned the key.

  The food rewards became visible to the squirrels in the ‘engine compartment.’ They began to run, turning some of the drive shafts to the propellers.

  “Pedal-ers, start pedaling,” Phineas said, as the sounds of the ‘engine’ became audible in the passenger compartment.

 “OK!” Isabella said. She and her troop of Fireside Girls, whom she had invited over to help, began to pedal, therefore turning more drive shafts.

 Trent shifted the gear stick into ‘Drive’. “Um, we’re not moving,” he pointed out.

 “That’s because we’re still in the catapult,” Phineas said. “Ferb.”

 Ferb pulled the lever next to his chair.

  The Bus retracted into the floor of the parking garage and then sprang up...

  As it exited the parking garage, Trent saw that it was on a collision course with the upper story of the Flynn-Fletcher house. “Whoa,” he uttered as he pulled back on the steering wheel, and pushed down on the accelerator. He could hear the clunk, clunk of the gearbox as the gears were changed.

 “Extending wings,” Phineas said as he pulled another lever next his seat.

  The wings were extended and the bus/plane, passed over the house with a meter to spare. “OK, Trent, DE Inc is downtown, that would be to the right,” Candace directed.

 “Don’t forget to bank into the turn,” Phineas instructed.

 “To the right, got it,” Trent turned the vehicle to the right, banking into the turn. He came out of the turn sluggishly, with a lean to the right.

 “Whoa,” Daria said. Jane leaned against her.

 “Level it off, Trent,” Jane admonished.

 “Oops,” Trent said, as he brought it level. He glanced at the speedometer and saw that they were slowing down. He also saw that they were almost clipping a couple of houses, roofs. “Um, we’re slowing down.”

 “We don’t have enough power. More people need to pedal,” Phineas concluded after a moment of thought.

 “Also the birds,” Ferbresponded.

 “Good point.”

 Ferb pulled another lever, offering the birds on the roof food rewards. The flapping of their wings added to the lift.

 Both Stacys began to pedal. “This is hard!” Stacy R. said.

 “Not that hard!” Stacy H. replied.

 “No, it isn’t,” Candace added as she started to pedal.

 “We’re going faster again,” Trent noticed.

 “Good,” Phineas affirmed.

 “Very good,” Sam said.

  Four minutes later, they saw Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated in the distance. “There, it is,” that purple building,” Candace pointed out.

 “I see it, but where are we going to park?”

 “Just land on the upper balcony,” Phineas decided.

 “Is that such a good idea?” Daria asked.

 “We’ll search the building from top to bottom,” Phineas answered.

 “OK.”

 “It’ll be fine, Daria,” Jane assured her.

 “I guess so. If whoever owns the building is also the person who had Sandi kidnapped, then it won’t matter if we cause damage upon landing,” Daria reasoned.

 “Come on, Daria, Trent’s a good driver,” Jane attested.

 “But is he a good pilot? Could he land this thing correctly?” Daria asked.

 Jane glanced around. “I hope so,” she whispered.

  As the vehicle approached the DE Inc building, Trent pointed the front slightly downward so as to make a comfortable landing on the upper balcony.

  Inside, Perry and Sandi were still trying to break the Inator– “If nothing else, Perry, it’s, like, well hidden.”

 Perry nodded.

 Doofenshmirtz had aimed the Inator again. “Ah-ha!”

 For the umpteenth time, Sandi noticed the Inator aiming, and ducked again. The beam went out the door onto the balcony...

  Trent saw the beam coming. “Whoa!” In trying to avoid the beam he sent the vehicle into a barrel roll...

 “Trent!” Phineas called out as all the Fireside Girls screamed.

 “Uh, oh!” Daria said.

 Trent leveled the vehicle. “Sorry, there was this beam.” He then saw that they were very close to the building and were going much too fast. “Whoa!” He stamped on the brake pedal...

 Perryopened his eyes wide in panic as he saw the vehicle coming and dashed into an out-of-the-way place.

  The braking chutes deployed as the stone vehicle entered the lab... “What the!” Heinz blurted, before he dashed out of the room...

[f4liveblogarchives]

Fantastic Four Vol. 1 #5

Session Start (Wackd:#Wack’d): Sun Aug 14 11:55:01 2016 -0400 [18:55] <@Wackd> Alright, so, Doom! [18:56] <MousaThe14> DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM [18:56] <@Wackd> I dunno if this is an error or what but Doom's mask actually looks really good green

[18:56] <maxwellelvis> It's an error. [18:56] <@Wackd> Aw. [18:57] <maxwellelvis> The coloring guy used to get lots of shade in the credits of Marvel mags. [18:57] <maxwellelvis> Like, Stan and Jack would get big, triumphant, pompous nicknames, the lettering guy would get a fair-to-middling one, and the inkers and colorists would get shat on [18:58] <InbarFink> poor guys [18:58] <MousaThe14> It's a good error, that mask ain't half bad [18:59] <@Wackd> So we know this is gonna be a weird one because we're actually opening on the villain's POV. [18:59] <maxwellelvis> Though, the guy that would usually get the worst of it was Irving Forbush. [18:59] <@Wackd> And Doom's reading material establishes right away that this guy is well versed in science AND sorcery. [19:00] <@Wackd> That's only for a page, though. [19:00] <@Wackd> Then Ben and Johnny get into a fight because Johnny compares Ben to the Hulk. [19:00] <@Wackd> (In stores now! Tell your friends!) [19:02] <@Wackd> Doom's plan so far. 1. Knock out power to the Baxter Building. 2. Drop a giant net over it. [19:02] <Bocaj> Good plan, good plan [19:02] <MousaThe14> Mole Man had a better plan [19:03] <@Wackd> Doom then announces himself, prompting Reed to do a flashback. [19:03] <@Wackd> Including THIS wonderful panel.

[19:04] <@Wackd> I'm trying to imagine Doom's lab write-up for this. [19:04] <@Wackd> HYPOTHESIS: A netherworld exists and I can contact it. [19:05] <@Wackd> MATERIALS: 1 weird looking chair. 1 guy who thinks I'm crazy. [19:05] <@Wackd> METHOD: Sat in chair. Had guy who thinks I'm crazy rant at me. [19:05] <@Wackd> CONCLUSION: I cannot contact the netherworld. [19:06] <MousaThe14> So he was a fringe scientist. Fair enough [19:06] <MousaThe14> Heheheheh [19:07] <MousaThe14> I’m sure he got that published and was well respected [19:07] <@Wackd> He got expelled for blowing a thing up [19:08] <@Wackd> Doom demands Sue as a hostage because of fucking course, and Sue obliges because of fucking course. [19:08] <Phantomwoman> the 60s [19:08] <MousaThe14> The 60s! [19:09] <@Wackd> Then he makes the rest of the Four walk into a cage, which he pulls up into his helicopter. [19:09] <@Wackd> And flies the Four all the way back to Latveria, which doesn't have a name yet, but neither does the Baxter Building so whatever. [19:10] <@Wackd> bwahahahaha oh my GOD [19:10] <@Wackd> okay so doom has invented TIME TRAVEL [19:10] <@Wackd> and he's gonna send reed, johnny, and ben back in time to steal blackbeard's treasure for him [19:11] <@Wackd> fucking amazing [19:11] <Mukora> Is this. Dooms first appearance? [19:11] <@Wackd> yes [19:11] <MousaThe14> .... [19:11] <MousaThe14> Blackbeard's treasure [19:11] <@Wackd> yes [19:12] <MousaThe14> He has a time machine and he wants Blackbeard's treasure [19:12] <@Wackd> yes [19:12] <MousaThe14> Isn't it established in Squirrel Girl he used time travel to take over the future? [19:12] <@Wackd> yes [19:12] <@Wackd> and that's THIS version of doom too, for the record [19:12] <maxwellelvis> Apparently at some point he gets his time machine back. [19:13] <MousaThe14> WHY WOULD HE USE IT FOR BLACKBEARD'S INSIGNIFICANT TREASURE WHEN HE CAN RULE ALL OF TIME [19:15] <MousaThe14> How can you make a time machine but can't contact the netherworld [19:15] <maxwellelvis> Because his machine blew up. [19:16] <InbarFink> Is it gonna turn out that Ben has been Blackbeard all along? [19:16] <maxwellelvis> Yep [19:17] <maxwellelvis> That's not a joke, that is literally a thing that happens. [19:17] <@Wackd> ... [19:17] <@Wackd> ...dammit max [19:17] <@Wackd> spoilers [19:17] <InbarFink> "you mean... I started the whole dang legend just by going back in time?" [19:18] <maxwellelvis> Sorry. [19:18] <MousaThe14> .... Seriously? [19:18] <MousaThe14> Ben is Blackbeard? [19:18] <@Wackd>

drunk, you mean? yeah, me too [19:20] <@Wackd> anyway, some pirates knock out the "four" with booze and drag them off to their ship to make them pirates [19:20] <@Wackd> as you do [19:22] <maxwellelvis> I saw it. [19:24] <Bocaj> They've been shanghaied. Which is actually kind of offensive. Press-ganged? [19:24] <@Wackd> Press-ganged works, yeah [19:24] <@Wackd> But then they reverse-press-gang the pirates by kicking all of their asses. So they're in charge now. [19:24] <Bocaj> Curse you, the english language [19:24] <@Wackd> And thanks to max, I know where this is going, so. [19:26] <@Wackd> Oh, okay, that's not the end of the issue! [19:26] <@Wackd> Thing decides he likes being Blackbeard so much that he's just gonna stay here in the past. (I'm like 90% sure I remember reading an AU comic in which that worked out relatively well for him) [19:26] <@Wackd> (Didn't realize it was based on a thing from actual FF comics, though) [19:27] <maxwellelvis> Wackd: Man, I miss What If?. [19:27] <@Wackd> Of course, a twister hits the boat, they get shipwrecked, Ben admits being accepted made him make a dumb decision, and the three go back to Doom's castle. [19:28] <MousaThe14> Wow [19:28] <@Wackd> I feel really bad for Ben, honestly. [19:29] <@Wackd> He wanted to be seen as normal so badly that he was willing to lead a band of bloodthirsty marauders to do it. [19:29] <Zarek_> I take it he doesn't know how Blackbeard's story ended. [19:30] <@Wackd> Oh, yeah, also--they figure Doom probably wanted some ancient artifact from the treasure, and so decided to ditch the gold and gems and fill the chest with chains instead. [19:30] <@Wackd> Doom takes this about as well as one might expect. [19:30] <maxwellelvis> If they tried to do that to Ben, they'd be in for a nasty shock [19:30] <maxwellelvis> RICHAAAARDS! [19:30] <@Wackd> By which I mean he starts sucking the air out of the room to choke them all to death. [19:30] <@Wackd> Not including himself, though, because IT WAS A DOOMBOT THE WHOLE TIME! What a clever twist that will never get stale and predictable. [19:31] <MousaThe14> Heheheh [19:33] <@Wackd> HOLY SHIT [19:33] <@Wackd> SUE LEGITIMATELY GENUINELY SAVES THE DAY [19:33] <@Wackd> WITHOUT ANY SORT OF CAVEATS OR INVALIDATION [19:33] <Mukora> Yay! [19:33] <Bocaj> whaaaaaaaaaaaat [19:33] <@Wackd> Yeah, turns out Doom just...forgot he'd taken her hostage [19:34] <@Wackd> Allowing her to skulk around and free the rest of the team [19:34] <atticus> what [19:34] <Mukora> Man [19:34] <Mukora> Age of Ultron should have done that [19:35] <MousaThe14> A MIRACLE [19:35] <MousaThe14> SUE SAVING THE DAY! [19:37] <@Wackd> Okay, so, Reed helps Ben push away part of the wall so they can escape, then Johnny evaporates part of the moat so they can walk out. [19:38] <@Wackd> And then Johnny burns Doom's castle down. [19:38] <@Wackd> Doom gets away just in time, and Johnny can't give chase because all this activity has taken a lot out of him. [19:41] <@Wackd> Issue 6! 

[magictaverntranscripts]

Episode 3 - Flower

[static]

Mysterious Man: Know this - the podcast which follows is not real. But it is really sponsored by Inventables, the hardware store for designers. Learn more about Carvie, their new 3D carving machine, at inventables.com.

[theme song]

Arnie: Hello From the Magic Tavern!

[trill]

Arnie: A weekly podcast from the magical world of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp. I'm from Earth, the city of Chicago, and about three weeks ago I fell through a magical portal behind a Burger King, into the world of Foon. It's sort of a weird, medieval...land. How- would you guys describe it as a weird, medieval land?

Usidore: I don't know if I would categorize it as weird.

Chunt: I'd just say it's home.

Arnie: Ok. Well, it's a magical land, and uh, luckily I'm still getting a slight WiFi signal, still through the portal, from the Burger King. So I'm able to do a weekly podcast in the tavern, the Vermillion Minataur, in the land of Foon.

Chunt: Can I ask you something about WiFi?

Arnie: N-, I don't really...

Chunt: Here in Foon, WiFi is short for Witches' Fight. Is that...?

Arnie: It's not a witches' fight.

Chunt: Okay.

Arnie: Um, this is a podcast where I'm sort of interested in exploring...how Foon works, and things about Foon. I'm not really that interested in explaining stuff from my world to you guys, because-

Usidore: Well, I think your world sounds weird!

Arnie: Well, my world, I'm sure, is weird to you guys, but the people listening to this podcast will be in my world, and they don't really want to listen to me explain what WiFi is. But they do-, are really interested in the intricacies of Foon, so, uh, w-

Usidore: [sarcastic] Oh, I'm sorry you've found a place to stay and live here, and that you've been well taken-care of by your friend Chunt, and that you've found food and shelter here. What a weird place, what a terrible place for you to be!

Arnie: W- Why don't my two regulars introduce themselves. Uh, Usidore, why don't you introduce yourself.

Usidore: Well, Usidore, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephysius, Grand Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Ter'a'kus. The Elves know me as Fi'yang Y'aluk, the Dwarves know me as Zonan Hoogastangs, I am known in the Northeast as Gasmuanus Maestar. And I don't think that this place is weird!

Arnie: Do you always go through the full name? Do you ever like just introduce yourself with just part of it?

Usidore: Why would I do that?

Arnie: I don't know, do you have to get all the way to Zonen Hoobastank?

Usidore: Well of course I do, because I am Usidore, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephysious, Grand Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, CHAMPION OF THE GREAT HALLS OF TER'A'KUS! The Elves know me as Fi'yang Y'aluk, the Dwarves know me as Zonan Hoogastangs, in the Northeast, I am known as Gasmuanus Maestar, [whispering] and there may be other names you do not know yet!

Chunt: And I'm Chunt.

Arnie: This is Chunt.

Chunt: Yep! And I had an ex-girlfriend that used to call me Chunty. But those are the only two names I've ever gone by.

Arnie: And this is important for the listeners at home who haven't heard previous episodes, uh, Chunt is a talking badger!

Chunt: Yeah, I uh, well I'm not always, I am a shapeshifter. So currently I am in a-

Arnie: We don't need to go into-

Chunt: [hesitant] Mmm.

Arnie: I feel like we don't need to start every episode by talking about how you change forms.

Usidore: He does it through the act of coitus!

Arnie: We just always go right into talking about bestiality, right at the beginning of the podcast, I'm just-

Chunt: It's not bestiality if you're a...beast, when you're doing it.

Arnie: I suppose.

Usidore: It's just "ality".

Arnie: That's true. That's true. Okay, well I'm excited because we have a guest for this episode. It is, uh, someone has brought to our table, a potted plant. A talking flower!

Flower: Nyeah. My name is Flower, and I just, this is just who I am, and where I am, and sitting in this pot. I'm gonna' tell you that I don't always choose where I get to go. Half the time I'm asleep and then I wake up and I'm somewhere else so...that's cool.

Arnie: So people just move you, move your pot around?

Flower: Yeah, it's, it's a little intrusive? Like it's not what I would choose to do? But it's sort-of...my situation.

Arnie: I-, y'know, being new to Foon...how c-, how common is it for plants to talk?

Usidore: I once knew a grapevine that uh, that liked to do a crossword, but it did not speak.

Arnie: Did it gossip?

Usidore: Yes! Of course it did! It would put little clues in the crossword that told you things about the people who had been making the wine.

Chunt: A crossword is a puzzle we have here, where it's sort-of, uh-

Usidore: Yes, I'm sorry, I should have explained that.

Chunt: Words acro-, uh, horizontally, and-

Flower: Goes up and down-

Chunt: Yeah, and vertically-

Flower: And there's clues-

Arnie: Yeah, I'm, we have crosswords in my world, so...

Chunt: Oh!

Flower: Oh.

Usidore: [sarcastic] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought everything here was so weird!

Arnie: [laughing] It is weird!

Usidore: [sarcastic] Well apparently crosswords are perfectly normal!

Arnie: It's a little surprising that you have crosswords.

Usidore: [grunts]

Arnie: Like, give me an example of a crossword clue that you would do on a regular crossword-

Chunt: Hey Arnie? Uh...I'd just be careful to not...I'm not sure how things are where you're from? But don't piss off a wizard?

Arnie: Okay...

Chunt: 'Cause, so far you've called our world weird...

Arnie: Is that-?

Chunt: He's taken great offense, and...I'd just be careful...to not piss of a wizard.

Arnie: I'm sor-, uh, I, uh, w-, I think maybe where I come from, the word "weird" is a little devalued, and we throw it around a little bit? Like I'm sorry if "weird" is like, a...borderline offensive term here.

Flower: What's it gonna' take for a flower to get a drink around here?

Usidore: Oh...

Arnie: Oh! I'm sorry, what do you...d-, do you want some water?

Flower: Nah, just like, red wine.

Arnie: Red wine...

Flower: Like...

Arnie: Okay, yeah, totally.

Flower: A full-bodied red wine.

Arnie: A full-bodied red wine?

Flower: Yes, pour it on m-

Usidore: BARKEEP! A RED WINE HERE!

Flower: Thank you. Pour it on my roots.

Arnie: Uh, okay, great! So, uh, so I'm sorry, I apologize about...uh, calling Foon weird. Uh, it's, um...fascinating. It's a fascinating world.

Usidore: Ahh, yes, it is fascinating, yes.

Arnie: So let's learn more about our fascinating guest, so Flower?

Flower: Nyeah?

Arnie: W-, uh, what is your...story?

[silence]

Arnie: I'm a really good interviewer, by the way.

Flower: You're doin' great, that's why I need the wine, because I'm so fuckin' fascinated-

Arnie: Whoa!

Flower: -with everything you're say- what?

Arnie: No, no, that's uh...that's great. I was just...I wasn't expecting- You're just such a beautiful little flower-

Flower: Yeah...

Arnie: I just wasn't expecting that language.

Flower: Cool...Maybe you should put your eyes somewhere else, because you're really makin' me uncomfortable, you're creepin' me out man, just chill the fuck out!

Arnie: Oh, okay...[chuckling] Okay.

Flower: [whispered] Jesus.

Chunt: Uh, Arnie, real quick? Um...I wouldn't piss off a...a talking flower.

Arnie: ...On the, on like the hierarchy of things-

Chunt: Wizard and flower?

Arnie: Wizard and flower, like how...is it more dangerous to piss of a flower, than a wizard?

Usidore: No.

Chunt: Lemme put it like this, you see that stein you're drinking out of?

Arnie: Mm-hmm.

Chunt: That used to be a guy that pissed off Usidore.

Arnie: Holy...but I still don't understand what the consequences of pissing off a flower were...

Flower: Let's just say that I will...destroy you in ways that are emotional...

Arnie: Oh god-[laughs]

Usidore: I would say the order of things you do not want to piss off in Foon would be, wizard, dragon, flower-

Flower: Yeah.

Usidore: Monkey-

Chunt: Chunt.

Usidore: Real-estate agent.

Arnie: Flower is...w-, okay, I have a couple-

Usidore: Chunt, yes, Chunt should be on there-

Arnie: Couple, couple of follow-up questions. One, flower seems awfully high to be [laughs] I'm sorry. I, you know, you can't even control where you are! If I'm, there's any danger of me being attacked by a flower, I'd just move you to the other side of the tavern.

Flower: You ever have someone say something to you and had it upset you so deeply like years later, you can't get over it? That's the kind of shit I'm gonna' do to you.

Arnie: O...kay, god-

Flower: I'll take you down from the inside.

Usidore: I suppose, Arnold, that you're the type of person-

Arnie: I prefer Arnie.

Usidore: Who'd...[exasperated] I suppose you're the type of person who does not want the beauty of a flower in your life. If you anger a flower, you take the chance that that beauty is sucked out of your life, that the very...wonder of this world, the very magic of the world that [sarcastic] you find so weird, [normally] will be stricken from your eyes. Do you want every flower that you walk past to wilt? To close its petals so you cannot see it? Yes, maybe it won't attack you, or eat your face, or burn you alive, or turn you into a stein...But, pissing off a flower is a great offense here.

Arnie: Okay. I...I humbly apologize.

Flower: It's okay, I'm not pissed off yet, but I'm also not drunk yet, so uh, maybe we should get that happening.

Usidore: Ah, here, your wine has just arrived, let me...

Flower: Thank youuuu.

Usidore: -just pour the wine.

Chunt: I think we should probably...if I...may suggest...play a quick round of Dragon's Talon? Just a game to put everyone at ease...

Usidore: Ah, yes, sounds wonderful.

Flower: I like it.

Chunt: If you're not sure what Dragon's Talon is, we just go around and we each say a compliment about one another.

Arnie: Okay, that's a game?

Chunt: It's a technique used, it's, children play it as a game, but adults use it as a technique to diffuse situations where one or more parties are upset.

Usidore: As you travel along the road here, you come in contact with many creatures and beings from other parts of the realm, and you must play this game in order to gain their trust and, and build community.

Arnie: So it's like an icebreaker.

Chunt: It's just so, when you meet-

Usidore: An ice breaker...

Chunt: -someone new, you pay them a compliment, they pay you a compliment, it just sort-of says, you know-

Usidore: I don't see what-

Chunt: We're fri-, you know, there's, we have no quarrel with you.

Flower: Yeah, there's no need to break ice.

Usidore: Yes, what does breaking ice have to do with it?

Flower: You just wanna' drown everybody here?

Arnie: I don't, I, I don-

Chunt: Breaking ice...

Arnie: I'm sorry, the things from my world, I don't wanna spend a lot of time explaining. It's just an expression we have for what you just described. Ice- an icebreaker.

Usidore: An ice breaker...

Flower: That's stupid as fuck.

Usidore: An ice...breaker...

Arnie: Well let-, let's play Dragon's Talon. All right, so we just go around, how do, what order do we go, do you mind starting Chunt?

Chunt: I'll start, yeah. Uh, so Usidore, I think-

Usidore: [harrumphs]

Chunt: I think you have...eyes like a hurricane. I think your eyes are like, the most beautiful, hazel green I've ever seen.

Usidore: I thank you greatly for this, Chunt, and DO BELIEVE IT IS TRUE FOR I CAN CALL THE VERY POWERS OF THE WINDS TO MY COMMAND!

Chunt: ...Flower, I think your petals, the way they're arranged-

Flower: Yeah...

Chunt: -is just very aesthetically pleasing.

Flower: Thank you.

Chunt: Arnie...

Arnie: Mm-hmm?

Chunt: You...

Arnie: Yeah?

Chunt: Have been...sleeping in 'til two p.m.? [laughs]

Arnie: ...Yeah? [laughs] And?

Chunt: That's a compliment.

Arnie: That...is...well...thank you. I'll take that.

Usidore: I shall go next.

Arnie: Okay, Usidore?

Usidore: Chunt, I find that your...pelt is glossy and full and very attractive.

Arnie: Hm.

Chunt: I accept, thank you.

Usidore: If I were not a wizard, born of birds and wind and fire, then I would make love to you myself.

Chunt: Well, then I'd become a wizard, and that would be a great, great honor.

Usidore: Flower...

Flower: Yeah.

Usidore: I find your...attitude quite tenacious. For one trapped in a flower plant to speak her mind so freely is, is truly inspiring.

Flower: Uh, I mean, I guess thank you? Except I don't consider myself "trapped" in a flower plant, I'm, I am a flower...

Usidore: Oh, well you did say that people did move you around.

Flower: They do move me around, that is true.

Usidore: I'm, I'm s-

Flower: And now I know, I didn't look at myself that way, you're making me take a look at my own self, and that's something I don't do a lot, so thank you.

Usidore: You're very welcome.

Flower: Nyeah.

Usidore: Arnold...

Arnie: Mm-hmm?

Usidore: I like your shirt.

Arnie: ...Thank you. ...That's-

Chunt: We broke ice!

Arnie: Great [laughs] We did, we did break ice. Is it my turn?

Chunt: Mm-hmm.

Arnie: Okay, uh, Chunt, you've been very generous to let me stay with you in your hovel, since, you know, I have no money or anything here in Foon, I really appreciate you being such a great host.

Chunt: Sure, your company is payment enough.

Arnie: Oh, great-

Chunt: For-

Arnie: Fantastic-

Chunt: For now.

Arnie: Usidore, I...have never met a wizard before, and I'm just impressed...by your general wizardry. Usidore: Ah, [grumbles] thank you.

Arnie: Ummm, Flower?

Flower: Nyeah.

Arnie: You soaked up that wine so fast! I-

Flower: Mama, mama needs another one.

Arnie: Okay, Usidore-

Usidore: BARKEEP ANOTHER WINE!!

Arnie: I just, where I come from, you know, I'm from Chicag-, the land of Chicago is a drinking town, so I really appreciate how quickly you can belt down that wine.

Flower: Yeah. ...It feels good...everywhere, it goes through my whole...system.

Arnie: So like, it just kinda', how quickly does the wine get to your...brain?

Flower: I...I don't know, I don't, you know, it just feels good, and if you wanna do somethin' that feels good, you should be able to do it without people figuring it out, like how it works. I don't tell you how you...sit on...yourself [whispers] stupid piece of shit.

Usidore: I agree with you, Flower, if something-

Flower: [whispers] Fuckin' stupid...

Usidore: Feels good, you should do it.

Flower: Yeah, mm-hmm

Usidore: You are absolutely correct. You know what would feel good? [whispers]...Defeating the Dark Lord.

Arnie: Usidore-

Usidore: Would you join me in my quest to defeat the Dark Lord?!

Arnie: He's always, he's got a quest that he's trying to get people to...

Usidore: No one? All right, well let's move on-

Arnie: Look-

Usidore: -let's finish the game, let's just finish the game!

Flower: Okay.

Arnie: Usidore, and I'm so-, I do wanna finish the game, have you had any success in the last few weeks getting anyone on your team of adventurers to go fight the Dark Lord?

Usidore: I...I w-, uh, how do you-, how do you categorize success? I find myself to be very successful, perhaps, I, you know, it's not exactly what uh...my creators had in mind when they created me, and then sometimes perhaps when I speak to them, they seem disappointed with where I have landed in my wi-, er wi-, wer-, er, wizarding career.

Arnie: Mmm.

Usidore: But uh, I would say overall...you can't compare yourself to other wizards, [laughs] you know? If you look at, like, uh, let's say uh...Spintax the Green.

Chunt: Oooh.

Usidore: Yes, Spintax, he, [sputters] w- yes, everyone knows Spintax is a wonderful wizard...

Flower: Everybody knows Spintax.

Usidore: Everybody knows Spintax, he's defeated some...amazing foes in his time, but uh, you know, everyone has their own journey...

Arnie: Okay, well let's uh, okay, so uh, Flower, it's your turn-

Flower: Yeah, I got stuff to say. [sighs] I'm uh, I'm gonna' just be honest with everybody, because as I said I just sit here and take it all in, and I look at everybody, and I've got opinions, like a lot of opinions, and like, I'm just gonna' say what I think about you. It might be a compliment, it might not, I don't know the difference because I'm a flower.

Arnie: Uh...Just to be clear, I think the point of the game is compliments, right?

Chunt: ...Well, the game can change...

Usidore: She- yes, and she clearly said that she's a flower, so she doesn't know the difference between compliments and, and, and insults.

Arnie: Okay, I'm just-

Flower: I just know what I say and how I feel.

Arnie: Okay, okay.

Chunt: Arnie, you have a lot to learn about giving and receiving respect, and right now you're being...kind-of a dick.

Arnie: I-

Usidore: Do you expect a flower to understand the concept of WHAT IS INSULTING AND WHAT IS NOT???

Arnie: Okay, okay! Flower, please, please...

Flower: Yeah, okay. Chunt?

Chunt: Mm-hmm?

Flower: You seem like you've seen a lot fo sadness

Chunt: Aw, thank you. [laughs]

Arnie: [laughs] Thank you.

Chunt: ...I've been told I have sad eyes.

Usidore: Seems like an accurate observation.

Flower: Yeah, like you've seen sadness,and then it just reflects back at you all the time, that you just...that's just what I think of you.

Chunt: That is the most...cutting to the core statement and...truth-filled observation I've ever received, thank you so much, Flower.

Flower: Yeah, you don't have to like...butter me up for that shit. Like I'll just say it-

Chunt: Okay.

Flower: You can just take it.

Chunt: Great. Um-

Arnie: [in awe] Wow, you see people.

Flower: Yeah...fuckin' flower. Usidore-

Usidore: Ah, I fear what comes next.

Flower: I think you...I think you have a great hill to climb.

Chunt: Literally or figuratively?

Flower: I don't know.

Chunt: [snickers]

Usidore: ...I...I do live at the top of a hill.

Flower: I can tell. You look tired, but like you have more to do.

Usidore: Mmm.

Flower: And so you have a hill to climb.

Arnie: You seem really sad about living at the top of a hill.

Flower: Nobody likes living at the top of a hill.

Arnie: Okay, do me next.

Flower: Arnie...you process air somewhat efficiently.

[silence]

Chunt: [muttering] ...Tell her...thank you.

Arnie: Thank you...

Flower: You're welcome.

Arnie: I do, I do process air fairly efficiently, would you-

Flower: Somewhat.

Arnie: Somewhat-

Flower: Not like...there's more you could be doing.

Arnie: Sure. Thank you for the oxygen?

Usidore: Well you and Chunt do create the very air that is shared here with this flower, [mutters] wizarding, no?

Flower: I wanna' know how I could kill myself right now.

Arnie: Oh god! [laughs]

Chunt: Ooohhh.

Usidore: Oh, oh...

Flower: I'm so. Miserable.

Chunt: Well, here we go, this is um...[sighs] This is it. I mean if, if a flower ever- In our land, if a flower wants to kill itself, you have to assist it.

Flower: I wanna' kill myself [laughing] every day.

Arnie: Wait- [laughing] Assist it in dying?

Usidore: Yes.

Chunt: You have to, it's the law-

Usidore: Honor-

Chunt: it's magical law, you have to assist-

Usidore: "Honor the want of a flower."

Chunt: -the want of a flower. So if, if Flower wants to die, we have to assist her in her journey to-

Flower: You can try, I've tried so many times...

Usidore: Flower, how would you like to die?

Flower: Just like, end it, man.

Arnie: I...I gotta' say, it's probably not that hard.

Flower: [laughing] It's-

Chunt: [aghast] What?

Flower: Harder than you thi-, I've tried!

Arnie: I mean, like, emotionally-

Chunt: Why would you say that?

Arnie: Emotionally, like, killing another thing is hard but, but like, [laughing] you're just a fragile little flower in a pot!

Flower: [gasps] Oh my god...

Chunt: Don't just rip off her petal you-

Flower: Oh my g-,

Chunt: What are you do-

Flower: You know what, I don't wanna die anymore, I wanna see you fuckin suffer you piece of shit!

Arnie: I mean...

Flower: Are you kiddin me?

Arnie: ...that's good?

Flower: Are you kiddin' me?

Arnie: [whispers] I saved her!

Usidore: Uh, I don't know if that's true, you've...given her a purpose to go on, but her purpose now is to destroy you in kind.

Flower: I'm gonna' follow you everywhere, I'm gonna' find you...

Arnie: I, you- look. I'm so sorry if I hurt your feelings, I...you're not gonna' be able to follow me.

[silence]

Arnie: [laughing] You're not gonna' be able to follow me! You will need help. You'll need a lot of help to follow me. I can walk across this room right now, and you cannot follow me.

Usidore: Flower, this I swear to you. Wherever Arnold does go, I shall take you-

Arnie: It's Arnie...

Usidore: And you shall be right there! For I am Usidore, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephysius, Grand Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Ter'a'kus. The Elves know me as Fi'yang Y'alok. The Dwarves know me as Zoonin Hoogastangs-

Arnie: Hoobastank...

Usidore: -And I am known in the Northeast as Gasmuenus Maestar, why did you speak in the middle of me saying my name?

Arnie: Just the Hoobastank one, I...

Chunt: Do you ha-, where you come from, if someone wants to kill themselves, are you not obligated to assist them?

Arnie: No! Well, I mean, it's a very complicated issue where I come from. You are not obligated to help them.

Usidore: Sounds "weird".

Arnie: You should-

Chunt: Yeah, your place sounds weird.

Arnie: [laughs] It is, it is weird. So here, if someone wants to die, you just have to immediately-

Flower: Nah, just a flower.

Arnie: Just a flower.

Chunt: Just when a flower wants to die.

Arnie: I...[sighs]...I'm sorry, I feel like...I'm...I've been doing a pretty good job in Foon so far, like, I'm a stranger in a strange land-

Chunt: Pretty high praise from a self assessment.

Arnie: [laughs]

Flower: Are you playin' the game by yourself, you're just givin' yourself a compliment?

Chunt: Yeah.

Arnie: Well you know what, no-, you know what-

Chunt: Do you know how rude it is to-

Arnie: -let's talk about that game! No one gave me a compliment!

Flower: Everybody gave you a compliment!

Chunt: Nice shirt, sleeping until-

Usidore: I said I liked your shirt!

Arnie: All right, they were very shitty compliments.

Chunt: Wow.

Usidore: I would wear that shirt!

Arnie: Look you, Usidore and Chunt, you were practically having sex with each other, you're going on and on about like, how great each other looked.

Usidore: Um- I do think...

Chunt: Is there something wrong with sex?

Arnie: There's nothing wrong with sex!

Usidore: It's a beautiful, natural act...

Arnie: Look. I've been, it's been a- I know I put on a brave face, but it's been kinda' hard being away from home, and I think I'm doing a decent job of adjusting, and for some reason I just have gotten on the wrong side of this flower, and it's w-

Flower: You want me to sing you a song?

Arnie: Yeah. That would be nice.

Flower: [singing] You are so stupid [laughs]

Arnie: That's a- You can stop.

Flower: [singing and laughing] You are a piece of shit...

Usidore: Flower, Flower...

Flower: I think it's funny...

Usidore: Flower, i must interv-

Flower: [laughs]

Usidore: I must intervene here.

Flower: Why?

Usidore: Arnold has bared his soul to us-

Arnie: Arnie.

Usidore: Arnold. ...He has bared his soul to us, and I shall rise to the call. Yes! Arnold, we will help you kill yourself!

Arnie: [laughs] No! That's not, that's not what I was asking.

Usidore: Oh. You sure?

Arnie: Yeah.

[trill]

Arnie: All right, you know what? I think uh-

Usidore: Not too late...

Arnie: I think it's about time that we wrap things up. ...So here's uh...Usidore, Chunt, thank you so much for being back, and you're welcome back every week and I hope that you come back every week for the podcast. Flower?

Flower: Nyeah?

Arnie: When this is done [laughing] I'm going to throw you off a cliff.

Chunt: That would...good!

Arnie: Right?

Chunt: That's what she wants!

Arnie: Yes! That's what she wants!

Flower: I fuckin' love it!

Usidore: That was wonderful of you Arnie, thank you.

Arnie: So you will never- [chuckles] You will never see Flower again, 'cause I'm gonna' fucking [laughing] throw her off a cliff.

Usidore: Ah, don't count the flower out yet!

Arnie: [stammers]

Flower: I'd be fine with this, sounds fuckin' like a vacation I'd like to take.

Arnie: You're gonna' be dead. Or, shattered, stuck at the bottom of this cliff-

Flower: Wow, you really-

Arnie: Where you won't be able to get back to me! I-

Flower: No, you waited till the very end to just like, lay it all out, didn't you? Like, you just sat there all nice, like we're playin' like we're friends, and then at the very end your whole plan comes out!

Arnie: [laughing] I am going to throw you off a cliff. I'm sorry, you drunk flower. Who's paying for your drinks, by the way?

Flower: Everybody loves me...

Arnie: No. [laughs] All right. Okay. Well, thanks so much for listening everybody. Before we go, uh, I wanna', please ask that if you haven't subscribed to this podcast on iTunes, give us a review, give us some stars. And also, um, you know, I'm having some trouble with my email, uh, the, I guess maybe there's the firewall from the Burger King that I'm getting the WiFi from. It blocks most sites, so I haven't been able to get into contact with people in my life. I have, however, been able to set up a new email account, at, uh, the new email is magictavern@puppies.supplies. That was just the only [laughs] that was just the only thing that I could get. I swear it is real, no one has responded to my emails so far-

Chunt: Have you contacted your wife yet?

Arnie: I'm trying to email my wife, I'm assuming she doesn't recognize the email address, it's probably going to her SPAM account, but...[stammers] Sara, if you're listening, please, if you get an email from magictavern@puppies.supplies, it's from me. Also, if you would like to email us, and ask us some questions about the world of Foon, please do, and email us at magictavern@puppies.supplies. I know it's not a common .com or .net or .org, but it is a real email address, magictavern@puppies.supplies. Thank you so much, everyone, for being here, except for Flower, who I'm going to throw off a fucking cliff.

[theme music]

[static]

Mysterious Man: Well, what a fanciful bit of imagining that was! But remember, it's all pretend. Arnie Niekamp plays Arnie. Matt Young is Usidore the Wizard. Adal Rifai is Chunt. And Flower was played by special guest Brooke Breit, who performs all over the land of Chicago, including at Second City, The Annoyance, and with iO Chicago's World News Tonight. This entire fantastical scenario is produced by Evan Jacover and Ryan DiGiorgi, and edited by Ryan DiGiorgi. When music is called for, Andy Poland supplies it. If you're the type of person that likes to gather volumes of information on pretend subjects, visit www.hellofromthemagictavern.com, or learn more on Twitter @magictavern. All of these sweeping untruths were sponsored by Inventables, with help from the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Learn more about Inventables at inventables.com, and the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at chicagopodcastcoop.com

[static]

[theme music end]

[haydennation]

Nylon Guys Magazine Interview

By the time Hayden Christensen suggests that we hop on a couple of snowmobiles and go explore the extent of his 200 acre farm, it’s getting dark outside and the temperature is 10 degrees below freezing. The two hour drive from downtown Toronto up here into bleak, rural Ontario had taken close to four in a rented Toyota Corolla, the last 15 minutes of which were essentially tobogganing down roads closed to all but local traffic. Traffic was invariably composed, I noticed as I slid helplessly down tracks entirely covered in packed ice, of vehicles with very large tires and four wheel drive. Christensen purchased the farm, which is just up the road from his parents; home where he grew up, eight months previously. It’s his first house, and he’s clearly proud of it. “I did those,” he says, gesturing at his kitchen cabinets that are painted so that they appear cracked and aged, and launching into an explanation of the process-‘it takes forever but it sure is worth it.’ He has also tiled the surfaces, painted the walls, replaced the floors, and amassed a healthy collection of antiques from the shops in the surrounding villages, which are scattered throughout the house. Christensen, who was born in Vancouver, is a hands-on kind of guy; the sort who likes to chop wood and rear animals, build decks and grout, hike, fish, ride horses, grow crops, and construct barns. He’s most certainly not predisposed to sitting around and talking about himself and so far now it’s on with full body snowsuits, snowboots, touks as Canadians call beanies, gloves, and goggles and off to an outhouse to start up the snowmobiles. He seems excited, as if he’s waited all day for an excuse to get out there. Out in the barn, though, where he keeps his snowmobiles, ATVs and tractor (“I’m just learning how to use that-it’s harder than it looks”) there’s a problem. One of the machines won’t start. Christensen is crestfallen. “Man, this really sucks,” he says as he pulls one lever after the other on the sleek black machine. “I suppose we’ll have to go on the same one.” It’s a situation that raises an important question; just what am I supposed to hold on to? In the absence of any handles the only options are the actor’s waist or shoulders. I opt for the latter. “Ok, man,” he yells as the engine roars to life, “remember to lean when I lean, and hold on.” It’s been snowing for the past few weeks, but the clouds have parted for the time being and the bright halogen headlights of the snowmobile illuminate fresh powder, at least three feet deep, ahead of us. We fly through open gates, following a recently made trail (“My family came over yesterday,” he shouts. “We hitched a trailer to the tractor and took it out for a picnic”) impressed on the ground. On a gentle slope lie two discarded sleds, one pink one and one blue. (“We were going down the hill on those yesterday.” He says. “Very fun” )  Eventually we get to the top of the hill-Christensen takes off his goggles and stops the engine. “That’s the highest part of my land,” he says, with a grin, “and the highest in the county actually.” At the base of the hill evergreen wildwoods stretch, oblique and forbidding, across the countryside. In the dwindling light the snow, which lies very thick on ever fence-post, branch, and thorn bush, has taken on a blueish hue and the sky-the dark silver of mercury-seems to rest heavily on the land; the moon a chalky thumbprint. Every few miles, off in the distance, the warm lights of a house glow sleepily and implacably against encroaching darkness. “You see that clearing?” says Christensen, pointing to a pale spot a few miles into the woods. “That’s the boundary of my land. There’s a river that marks it, Isn’t it great? I really want to go down there and show you some more. There are trails that I haven’t been on this winter yet, they’d be fun.” And so we head back to the house, where he calls his dad, who informs him where the choke is on the other machine, and what to do with it. Now, with a working snowmobile each, we tear across unblemished snow and down into the forest. Christensen leading and ducking this and that to avoid the low hanging boughs of trees that are covered in snow that scatters like glitter as he passes. “Man.” He says as I pull up next to him by a copse of Douglas Firs, “how fun is this?” “I really want to do everything with the farm,” he says later, sitting one of two large white couches in his living room. The only light is coming from his 60 inch plasma TV showing a hockey match on mute, five or so large church candles, their wax dripping in pools around them, and the fire crackling in the hearth. “There will be dairy cows and probably some sheep. Maybe an alpaca-I hear they’re good for warding off predators. For some reason lavender really appeals to me. I’d like to grow a lot of Lavender. I think that front hay field I want to turn into a big lavender field. Apparently, it’s pretty easy to maintain.” He takes a long drag on his cigarette. “But it’s meant to be a bitch to harvest-you have to cut it all by hand.”

These are the words of a man entirely at ease with himself. Someone, who rich from the success of a starring role in the biggest franchise in movie history, can choose what projects he wants to do and when he wants to do them, and make all his decisions from right here on his couch, watching hockey. (he played competitively until he was 17. “A lot of the guys I played with are pro now”, in front of the fire in the middle of nowhere. “I had a lot of success really quickly but then I was happy not to have anything to do with it.” He says. “I need to not live the insulated life that I think a lot of the people in Hollywood live. I had a really odd relationship with my first agent, because he could never figure out why I wasn’t in L.A. and taking advantage of opportunities there. Star Wars was financially beneficial and all of a sudden I didn’t have a need for my next check and I got to look at acting and my work as really just sort of my own creative expression, and nothing else is really going to affect that. I was turning down what would be considered a lot of money because it wasn’t creatively what I wanted to do at the time.” Today Christensen is such a far remove from Hollywood that it’s easy to forget that he’s still an incredibly in demand actor with the ability to secure lead roles in big budget movies, should he want them. And while his interests mostly lie in developing smaller scale projects like 2003’s Shattered Glass-based on the story of the New Republic journalist Stephen Glass who invented a large percentage of the stories he wrote for the magazine-that Christensen starred in and produced with his brother. His latest project, the Doug Liman directed “Jumper” in which he plays a man with the ability to teleport, is nothing, if grand in scope. “When my agent first called about it. He was like, ‘so there’s this big Fox movie, science fiction, they possibly want to turn it into a franchise,’ and I was like ‘why are we talking about this? Don’t you remember those other movies I just did?” He’s laughing, spluttering over his cigarette. “Then he said “Doug Liman was directing it, I was like “Oh! I was a huge fan of his movies.” In Jumper, Christensen and fellow teleporter Jamie Bell find themselves in the middle of a war that has been going on for hundreds of years between the jumpers (of which there are evidently quite a few) and those who have sworn to kill them; a group led by Samuel L Jackson. Taking place all over the world (We even closed down the Colosseum for three days to shoot a scene”) the film is full of Wachowski brothers-like visual effects and dramatic camera angles. At first it might seem an odd choice for an actor who says he chooses his movies if “there’s something inside me that needs to play the character and needs to be part of the story”. But working with Liman, who insisted Christensen be part a part of a process of ‘figuring the movie out’ wasn’t an opportunity the actor was prepared to pass up. “I felt like I was working with another visionary filmmaker,” Christensen continues. “George Lucas was clearly one of those, and I feel like Doug is too.” Of course George Lucas is the reason anyone knows who Christensen is at all. The reason he is able to afford this house, the one he just closed in on in the Bahamas, all the mechanical toys in his big barn, and the fancy paint for his fancy cupboards. Before Star Wars, Hayden Christensen was an unknown actor living in Vancouver and working on a TV show called Higher Ground that aired on the Fox Family Channel. An agent suggested he audition for Star Wars in LA, which was annoying, he recalls, because he wasn’t making that much cash and had to fly himself down there. “The meeting lasted for maybe 10 minutes and George didn’t even mention Star Wars the whole time so I assumed it didn’t go very well.  I was like, “Well, shit, I just flew all the way down here.” A month went by and Christensen, along with five other actors of which, reportedly Leonardo Dicaprio was one, were invited back to Lucas’s Skywalker Ranch to read with Natalie Portman. “They made sure we never saw each other,” he says with a smile. “Although, they have guest houses on the ranch and when I went for my audition I stayed in a room that I guess one of the other actors had stayed in as well and there was a voicemail on the phone from his mom saying, “I’m sorry it didn’t go well honey, but don’t worry, something else will happen” I was like ‘one down!” A few months later the call came. But as exciting a project as Star Wars was, as guaranteed as it was to be internationally successful, provoke hero worship among oddly dressed fans around the world, and set box office records, George Lucas is not exactly a director known for bringing out the best in people. He is, let’s not forget, the man who made Harrison Ford, Ewan Mcgregor, and even Alec Guinness look like puppets operated by puppeteers who had flunked out of puppetry school. “There were battle ships being rolled across the soundstages and you got to put a lightsaber in your belt every day: You were a hired hand,” Christensen says. “You weren’t there for your own creative expression. It’s a very specific style of acting and it’s all so preconceived…And the dialogue isn’t the easiest to say.” “Sometimes he would even do line readings with us,” Christensen glancing idly at the hockey score. “I would tell him that it’s easier if I don’t hear someone else saying the line because then I have that in my head and I’m just going to try and do that. And he was like, ‘No that’s ok, that’s what I want you to do.” He takes a drag on his cigarette and rearranges himself on the cushion. “It didn’t allow me to do my best work, nor did it any of the actors, but I always went to work thinking ‘This is the most unique experience’-I was just lucky to be there.” The fame that followed Star Wars would color Christensen’s perception of Hollywood forever. “From the day they made the announcement, there were people camped out in front of the apartment I was staying in,” he says. “I would go to a restaurant and all of a sudden there were paparazzi. It wasn’t something that happened over time and it wasn’t because of the work I was doing. This was all because I had a meeting with someone that no one knew about and because someone else decided they liked the way my nose sat on my face so my life was going to change.” Christensen’s understanding that it was the Star Wars name, not his, that was attracting his attention allowed him a “removed perspective” on it that seems to have endured ever since. “They offered me coaches to help me deal with it, but I felt like that was silly,” he says. “But then later I almost wished that I had met with them, because it was so overwhelming. It just caught me off guard and made me have a real sort of distaste for that because it was so extreme and so foreign that I didn’t enjoy it. I shied away from anything that I didn’t absolutely have to do. Everything just happened so fast and so dramatically that it allowed me to keep my distance.” And Christensen made some sacrifices for the films. Contractually obligated for five years, he once had to turn down a part in an Al Pacino movie in order to re-shoot a few scenes in Star Wars. “That really bummed me out,” he says. “When we wrapped, it was definitely bittersweet-I definitely enjoyed the sense of career freedom when they were over.” One of the projects Christensen took on afterwards was Factory Girl, with Sienna Miller, in which he gave a much-arraigned performance as Bob Dylan. “I wouldn’t mind talking a bit about that because that was not the performance I gave,” he says earnestly. Because of legal reasons Christensen’s character wasn’t called Dylan in the final cut. “I signed up to pay Bob Dylan and it’s a biopic. A true story,” he says. “I learned how to at least pretend to play the guitar and did a scene where I wrote a song and performed it. But later, because he threatened to sue, I had to go in and do ADR, redub my whole performance and change the way my character talked, because I has been doing the Dylan voice. I don’t know what’s onscreen in the end because I never saw it, but I do know it’s very different from what I did, and I was sort of pissed with the people who made the movie.” Far from lamenting his lack of privacy while attending exclusive parties at LAX and Cinespace, relaxing by pools of Hollywood’s most famous hotels, or perhaps grabbing a bite at the Ivy, Hayden Christensen just goes about his business 3000 miles away from all that and I’ve never met an actor who seems more at ease with their lot. “I think I do a pretty good job of staying out of tabloids. Paparazzi don’t come up to the farm ever,” he says. A lot of actors, though they complain about it, secretly relish the attention of the press, I suggest. “Absolutely, I’ve met a lot of them,” he says. “I always have an odd feeling about them. It’s like ‘I don’t know how you could really want that sort of change in your life.’ It’s really foreign to me. I don’t have a computer so I’m not exposed to any of the stuff on the internet. I can’t do that.” Suddenly from upstairs, I hear what sounds, unmistakably like an oink. Christensen hears it too. He smiles. “Oh don’t worry about that. It’s just my pigs.” There’s a scrabbling on the floor above-the unusual sound of trotters on polished wood. “I should probably go up and feed them,” he says, stubbing out his cigarette and stretching-it’s getting on a bit and he is hosting his family for dinner later. “Wanna come see?” Buddy and Petunia are a pair of pygmy pot-bellied piglets that Christensen acquired a few weeks earlier. (“I only wanted one, but apparently they get lonely”) and that are currently living upstairs in his house; running around in the hall, the spare bedroom, and the newly finished bathroom floor, upon which the four of us are now sitting. He leans over and rubs the tiles. “This wasn’t easy,” he says as Buddy climbs up onto his lap to be scratched behind the ears. “You have no idea how hard a simple pattern like this is to do. I cut the tiles myself!” “I feel really content,” he says. “I think for a while I was having a hard time enjoying the privileges I incurred from working and was pretty much living out of a suitcase. I’ve really enjoyed getting to collect toys and having a dirt bike that I can ride. And in my personal life I’m at a healthy place right now with my relationships [Christensen is dating Rachel Bilson whom he met on the set of Jumper]. I’ve done a lot of growing up since I was 19. I’ve learned a lot. And the more I learn the more I realize how little I know. Before, my agents and the people that I’m in contact with for my work wanted me to be something I wasn’t. They wanted me to pursue things I didn’t want to do, but now I feel more comfortable in my own skin.” “I don’t think I’ll ever have the desire to become something else and give up acting,” he continues. He glances out of the window; it’s dark now and his yard-skeletal trees pitched against the wind-is illuminated by Christmas lights wrapped around the fence. “You know there’s enough space down on the other side of the hill to put a landing strip for a little prop plane,” he says wistfully. Both pigs have now climbed onto him and are snuffling into his stomach. “I’m actually going to try and get a pilot’s license.” I read an interview with you from about five years ago in which you said it was a struggle to protect your integrity and dignity in this industry, I say. But you don’t seem to be struggling now. Holding Buddy up so they’re snout to nose, Christensen scrunches up his face to mimic the pig’s. “Well, I think that’s because I did struggle with it before,” he says putting the pig back on the floor, where it promptly falls over. “But now I’ve got no problem with telling them all to fuck off.”

[coytoy]

By The Fire -- RvB Bingo Wars

Here’s a little piece for the “Freelancer Fun Times” Square. Go Medics!

Word Count: 1752

Warnings: Mentions of alcohol

Description: On a rare instance of shore leave, the Freelancers travel out to an island for the weekend for a little R&R on the beach.

AO3 Here!

Carolina leaned back onto the railing, closing her eyes and breathing in rhythm to the rocking of the ferry. Somewhere, a bird screeched unceremoniously, while the boat’s horns rumbled in anticipation of arrival. With another deep breath of fresh air, Carolina opened her eyes just in time to catch York sneaking up on Wash, armed with an inflated beach ball; the younger Freelancer never saw it coming, and as the ball hit him square in the head, his drink tumbled onto the floor, swirly straw and all.

Laughing at his own work, York only received a pity chuckle from North before the latter bent down to help Wash with the mess. “What? Oh, come on, that was hilarious.”

“Only if you’re twelve,” South shot back from her spot on the upper deck. She folded her arms and leaned over the side. “That was stupid.”

The green form of Delta appeared over York’s shoulder. “I agree with Agent South’s assessment. That practical joke was not as much of a joke as indicated by your past actions, and seems to be less elaborate as well.”

“Thanks for the pick-me-up, D,” York sighed, already replacing his disgrace with his thousand-watt smile.

Thankfully, the island had finally come into sight, a mass of green trees and red roofs and white beaches just begging to be explored. They only had three days before they were due back on the Mother of Invention, but CT planned to cover every hiking trail, York had already prepped for his cave expeditions, and Florida had brought enough steaks to barbecue for the entire island.

All Carolina wanted was to stretch her cyan-colored blanket over the sand, throw on a pair of matching sunglasses, and fall asleep under the warm sun. The only other plan in her itinerary was a trip to the famous ice cream place the Dakota twins swore tasted like frozen marshmallows.

The ferry pulled up to the dock within minutes. Carolina grabbed her bag and tossed it over the shoulder, silently doing a headcount as she watched her teammates disembark. The last to come off were CT and Maine, who had saddled themselves with the boxes of booze that were apparently essential to the trip; Connie was holding one to her chest, while Maine was balancing one on each shoulder. Only once they were safe on the dock, every can of beer intact, did Carolina join them.

“Okay, I know it’s not tourist season and all, but there is really no one here,” Wash marveled as he walked up the street, peering into the windows of little shops that promised quirky objects and souvenirs nobody wanted. “No one” was a stretch – a car drove by every now and then, and some teenage locals hung around an arcade that had obviously seen better years – but it was probably only a minute fraction of the crowds during the full-swing of summer.

“Well, then we’re gonna have the beach almost entirely to ourselves,” North noted. He placed his hands on his hips and breathed in the island air. “That’s why we would always come this time of the year when we were kids.”

“It does have its downsides, though,” South added. “The mini-golf place is always closed. So are most of the restaurants, though the greasy seafood shack is probably open.”

“But it’s a great time of year for waves.” Theta popped up at North’s side, clutching a surf board to his side.

“Ha, we’ll see buddy,” North answered. “I hear Florida is a good surfer.”

Florida beamed. “I can teach you a trick or two when I take Reggie out for a splash,” he said, wrapping an arm around Wyoming. “The more, the merrier.”

Carolina hid her smile behind her hand; the image of Wyoming’s pompous ass trying to surf was going to be a sight.

“So let’s all stop talking, and start doing,” CT insisted, taking off with South in the direction of the boardwalk.

As Carolina and the team followed, York fell in step beside her. “So what are your plans, Lina? Some R&R? Maybe a little swimming? Exploring?”

“York, I’ve told you – beach, napping, maybe some reading. This is gonna be a nice rest for me, especially because my legs are still a little cramped from that last mission because a certain someone needed extra help taking out his fair share of guards.”

He held up his hands in surrender. “Fair, fair. Any way I could convince you to play a round at the arcade?” He motioned towards the run-down machines across the street. “I play a mean game of ski ball,” he added in a cocky tone.

Carolina cracked a smile. “Oh, do you now?”

All traces of smugness disappeared from his features. “Um, no, not at all, actually. I normally end up chucking the balls and hoping for the best. However, I was the Ms. Pac-Man champion when I was a kid. Not the regular Pac-Man – I sucked at that – just Ms. Pac-Man.”

Her grin threatened to turn into a laugh. “Well, you know I can’t turn down a challenge.” He responded by bumping his shoulder into hers, the backs of their hands brushing, burning her skin in awareness. She allowed him to press his hand into hers, knuckle to knuckle, though she wasn’t expecting his fingers to wrap around her own in what was probably the most awkward hand-holding position ever. Of all time.

The boardwalk’s path brought them to a steep set of wooden stairs leading to the beach. She released York’s hand in favor of the railing, staring out over the ocean as she descended the steps. Glittering under the afternoon sun, and bluer than… She glanced back at York, who smiled at her before she turned her attention forwards. Those waves – dark and roaring. Theta was going to be thrilled by the surfing potential.

At the bottom of the hill, where grass met sand, lay a row of green huts that would be home for the weekend. North and South journeyed to the hut where the owner lived before returning with a handful of keys. “North and York…Maine and Wash…Me and CT…Florida and Wyoming…and Carolina, you lucky bitch,” South teased as she handed Carolina a single brass key.

“Excuse you, South, but one of us had to be on their own, so I just took one for the team,” she responded with a smirk.

“And sharing a room with me isn’t that bad,” CT said, playfully punching her girlfriend in the arm. “You’re the one who snores.” Carolina watched with content as they bickered their way to their hut, laughing as they wrapped their arms around one another’s shoulders.

Her own hut was situated between Maine and Wash’s, and Florida and Wyoming’s. She stuck the key in the lock and turned, pushing with her shoulder as the door groaned, scraping on the paint-worn floor. The hut was tinier than it looked on the outside, barely containing two cots and a nightstand. She reckoned the elevator on the MOI was bigger, but it would do for the next three days. Dumping her bag on the spare bed, she fished out her cyan-colored towel and black one-piece bathing suit that she changed into once the curtains were closed.

She cautiously stepped out of the hut and back into the sunlight, glad for the protection of her sunglasses as the sun began its descent onto the horizon. Her bare feet enjoyed the feel of the warm sand, free from the sharpness of shells and broken glass. She padded over to where Wash and Maine were assembling rocks and driftwood. “Getting a fire going?”

Maine grunted in affirmation, while Wash added, “Can’t have a beach party without a fire, right?”

“If you say so,” she breathed. She laid out her towel and dropped her book on top, but temporarily abandoned both as she helped Maine arrange the rocks in a circle. Wash then began to prop his sticks in a tee-pee fashion.

“I haven’t done this since I was a kid,” he murmured. “My dad showed me a dozen times, but I guess it didn’t stick.” He finally got it right, creating a strong foundation from the driftwood.

“Need a light?” Carolina looked up to see York standing over them, a more-than-familiar silver lighter in his hand. She stared at it as it lay in his open palm, rereading the word “Errera” emblazoned on the side over and over until she remembered the purpose and took it.

“Thanks.” She flipped the lid and flicked the wheel until a flame sprang up. She offered the fire to the grass Maine had tucked under the tower of driftwood. The flames caught, growing as Wash blew into their core. It unfolded before their eyes, desperately engulfing the wood.

Carolina offered York his lighter back, but he placed his hand over hers, closing her fingers over the still-warm metal. “Keep it. It…you need it more than me. You can give it back to me later.” He left her with her book as he, Wash, and Maine joined North, South, and CT in a game of tackle-football in the water. She tried to focus on her book, diverting her attention only to take a sip from her beer, but she couldn’t help but laugh as CT launched herself into the air and landed on North, causing both to tumble into the waves.

When the sun dipped below the water, the team steered themselves back. The last to come in were Florida and Wyoming, shivering in their wetsuits, but satisfied with Wyoming’s first surfing adventure. Carolina smiled to herself as she noticed Theta hovering next to Gamma; the little guy deserved a little wave action.

York approached her wrapped in a New York Yankees towel. He presented her another beer as an offering, which she accepted and motioned for him to sit beside her. One by one, the rest gathered to huddle around the fire. Wash retrieved a bag of marshmallows from his bag, and handed them out once Connie hunted down some sticks. South and North passed the time by attempting to out-do one another in embarrassing stories about the other, until there came a time when they were obviously just making things up in a competition of dramatic storytelling.

The hours ticked by, but as long as the fire remained strong, Florida kept the mojitos coming, and York accompanied Wyoming’s guitar with his off-key singing, no Freelancer could feel the tug of sleep.

[askthedespairkids]

The Probability of Success

*Northern Kyushu. A metallic trapezoidal structure emerged from the middle of an otherwise uniform grassy plain. The entrance to a bunker*

A bunker… sure, that’ll help. *Maverick Storm approached the wall, and placed a device against it. He pushed a few buttons, then fled a ways back, covering his ears and waiting for the explosion.*

*The heavy metal doors flew off their hinges and into the long, empty stairwell leading into darkness. The explosion echoed both down the tunnel and across the empty plain. There was strangely no alarm in response nor warning in response to the breach.*

Hel-loooo… anybody home? *Maverick yelled into the darkness.* I brought cookies… admittedly they’re to eat after I blow your brains out, but I still brought them… *Maverick took out his keychain, clicking the button on the penguin flashlight he had attached to it and beginning to descend the stairs.*

*The tunnel seemed almost completely empty. Nothing but sheet metal walls. Not even empty shelves were left. There were, however, long cords running along the ceiling, leading down further into the darkness*

*Maverick hums, tapping on the wall as he does so, causing an echo to sound.* Oh, Hayase… come out come out wherever you are…

*At the end of the long hallway, a door slide open, letting out a bright glare of blue light*

Ah, bright, bright! *Maverick shields his eyes best he can, while still keeping an eye out for potential threats*

Umenko, over the intercom: Well, well, welly, well, look who it is. It’s the dick-meister, the master bastard, the certified soul-sucking son of a bitch himself! Maverick Storm! There was only an 56.7482% chance you’d be here today. Congratulations on beating the odds.

*Maverick bows, smirking as he does so* N'aww, I’m glad I could be here… mind showing your face so I can put a few holes in it? Let me see… so far I got Etsugo, Chikatilo, Asari, Hirotada, and Reizo… I took a lesson from Nakamura and started getting tattoos… You think I should include the triplets on there as well? I mean, I didn’t get to kill them personally, which sucked, but they still died…

Umenko: Maverick, why are you telling me things I already know? I told you, I can see the future. I’m took the liberty of planning ahead, so now I’m afraid there are only 452 ways this meeting is going to end.

Maverick: That few? *he whistles* How many of them end with you with a bullet in your brain?

Umenko: Only 13, surprisingly. I was expecting at least 67 or 68. But anyway, if you want to see me that badly, just step through the doorway. Trust me, it won’t teleport you to antarctica or anything.

*Maverick wanders through, not seeming wary at all*

*The room at the other end of the corridor was a large dome-shaped chamber lined with blue lights. Hanging from the ceiling was a large cylindrical device, which all the wires in the corridor lead to. Beneath it was a short, orange-haired girl in brown a vest, with a cybernetic implant attached to her right temple. Umenko Hayase, the Ultimate Quantum Physicist* Umenko: Welcome…*TO MY LAIR*. It’s cool, isn’t it? I think it is.

Maverick: Fancy. *He shoots one of the wires connected to the machine*

Umenko: Meh, I didn’t need that one anyway.

Maverick: What about this one? Or this one? This one? *he begins shooting wires at random*

Umenko: You know, if you keep doing that, you’re just gonna end up blowing us both up. That’s 78.92385% certain.

Maverick: Oh. All right then. *he shoots one more, but then stops, choosing to reload his revolver*

Umenko: Anyway, let’s not beat around the bush. I know I have a bad habit of doing that, right? Right, you don’t have to tell me. You want me dead, don’t you? That’s it, isn’t it? You wouldn’t have brought a gun if that wasn’t the case. Unless you wanted to sell it to me and are planning to live a live of peace and happiness while I take all the blame and get sent to debter’s prison! Oh wait, do those even exist anymore? *She went on rambling for several minutes*

*Maverick actually seems to be actively listening to her, then once she’s done* So… you mind if I ask a few questions before killing you?

Umenko: Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, what’s up. *She doesn’t seem at all concerned*

Maverick: First off… will my goal of taking over the Ultimate Despair movement succeed?

Umenko: Oooooh, you want me to give you details about the future, is that it? Well…let’s see…out of 11,756,833 possible outcomes concerning the battle with Ultimate Despair, you succeed in about…107 of them. Although it depends on what you mean by succeed. Do you consider being the last human on this Earth a success? Like literally an Omega man, last survivor, everyone else is dust in the wind kinda thing.

Maverick: No… that wouldn’t be any fun…

Umenko: Oh, okay, then it’s just 92 chances for success.

Maverick: Hey, better than none. Next question… Is Enoshima telling the truth about this? *he shows her a photo with a message attached*

Umenko: Hmm? Who’s that girl?

Maverick: I wish I knew.

Umenko: Sorry, can’t say much about people I don’t know. But I can say there’s a 54.8711% chance she’s not lying.

Maverick: Right… *a dark look appears on his face* Tell me, Hayase… did you see this coming? *he raises his pistol and fires*

*Umenko disappears in a flash of light and reappears a few feet away* Considering it’s you, 100%. Also, I invented teleportation, motherfucker!

Maverick: I was counting on that. It’ll be useful when I get my hands on it… *he fires again*

Umenko: *She teleports again, this time on a console a few feet off the ground* You know, speaking of mothers, there’s a 95.4476% chance your mother drank when she was pregnant with you.

Maverick: Eh, I wouldn’t be too surprised. After all, my grandfather was a bit of a douche… couldn’t keep his belt on, whether he wanted to hit his kids or find a new person to screw…

Umenko: There’s also a 96.981% chance your mother was a dirty slut who sucked just about every kind of dick for meth. Or was it crack?\

Maverick: I see your strategy, Hayase. It’s not going to work.

Umenko: It doesn’t make you want to kill me more? I mean, more than you already do?

Maverick: Well, it does, but I’m not gonna get cocky and stupid about it…

Umenko: Pff-ha! You’re only doing this cause you’re cocky and stupid.  Do you really think a pansy-ass punk like you can kill all of us? Even when I told you your chances of success are literally below 1%

Maverick: Oh, I know the odds are low. But, you see, it wouldn’t be entertaining if I just sat on my ass and plotted around on how to kill Enoshima all day. I mean, I’ve got something else I’m managing… but so far, my success rate is five out of six, not counting you, so I’d say I’m doing fairly good… really, I have a feeling Nakamura’s gonna be the only significant challenge…

Umenko: Well now I just feel insulted. I mean, after all, I already beat you.

Maverick: Oh? How?

*She teleports back beside him* Umenko: Don’t think you got in my bunker without my permission. No, no. I let you in here. Why, you might be asking? Well, that’s an easy answer. Shoot me and you’ll find out.

Maverick: Let me guess… you rigged the place to blow, didn’t you?

Umenko: Of course not. Explosives were Chikatilo’s specialty, not mine. You came here to do it, so why not just do it?

Maverick: Well, if you’d stand still…

Umenko: *strikes an exaggerated pose, but remains still*

Maverick: *shoots her in the knee, choosing not to kill her… yet.*

*The bullet passes through Umeko’s leg unimpeded and ricochets off the floor as her entire body shimmers and distorts* Surprise! I’m not even really here.

Maverick: Clever. Very clever.

Umenko: Yep. The Umenko Hayase you see before you is just a hologram. I left this bunker days ago.

Maverick: Can’t say I blame you… I meant for this to be a question I asked when I had you down on the ground and the pistol to your temple, but instead I’ll just ask now… who, exactly, do you think will kill me?

Umenko: Well, I guess I could tell you…but that would ruin the surprise, now wouldn’t it? Nobody likes spoilers.

Maverick: Hmm, true enough. It’s been fun, Hayase. Can’t wait to find you in real life. *he turns to leave, but then turns around again*  Is the teleportation just the hologram moving from place to place, then?

Umenko: See, with the despair that’s been going on, I decided to spend some time down here looking through alternate universes. I’m sick of being caught up in this world and its people, tired of being caught up in the tangle of their lives, so I left for one less complicated. And I love it here.

Maverick: An alternate universe? Huh… well, I suppose I can’t get you there… but that works out well for me. Maybe not the best case scenario, but it still works.

Umenko: That big machine back there? That was my teleporter. It opened the rift between two words, and you shooting the wires guaranteed it would remain closed. So thank you! You’re probably never gonna see me again after this. Anything you want to say?

Maverick: Nah, not really. Other than enjoy your life… and if you find another version of me, please make them end up in an awful “accident”. I like being unique.

Umenko: I will enjoy my life. You wanna know why?

Maverick: All right, I’ll humor you.

Umenko: Because I found a girl who loves me. One who appreciates me for who I am. You remember all those times you said I’d be alone forever? How you were apparently the only person who could accept me for who I am? Well, I proved you wrong. And I’m going to spend the rest of my life with her. Hugging her, kissing her, making love to her, marrying her, all where you’ll never find us. So remember that, Maverick. Remember that, even if you do manage to succeed in your questionable quest, I still beat you. I’m going to live a happy life far away from you.

Maverick: Heh. You’re luckier than Takei, Hayase. You ever thought of taking up writing? Because I think there’s a wonderful story to be told around here… *his voice sounds sincere, no mocking tone present at all* Who knows, since you won’t know the ending, you can make one yourself. *He persists with the sincerity* I do wish you luck.

Umenko: Well…thank you. You’re oddly sentimental about all this, but thank you.

Maverick: Well, Umenko, you’ve just made my job easier. After all… *the kind, sentimental tone of voice drops, replaced by the usual nasty edge.* you left our universe for that one on your own, didn’t you? You didn’t take anyone else with you. You didn’t offer anyone else an escape.  You could have saved quite a few people… Remember that when you’re spending time with this girl you love so much.

Umenko: Well, I was stuck in this bunker, alone, for weeks. With barely enough power for me to get across. It wouldn’t have mattered even I did bring everyone over. But it doesn’t matter. Do you wanna know why?

Maverick: Hmm?

Umenko: *her face darkens as her cheery tone changes to a much more sinister one* The odds of one of them beating your ass are 99.99981%. Compare that for your odds of success and see which one seems more likely. *Suddenly cheery again* Anyway, gotta go. Bye! *her holographic image fades away*

Maverick: Well, I might as well add her to my tattoo list… not as if anyone will know any differently. *his face darkens* Now, I need to resolve the issue of these pictures… and I think I know who to turn to.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

IT'S AN INTERESTING ILLUSTRATION OF AN ELEMENT OF THE STARTUP ECOSYSTEM THAT FEW EXCEPT THE PARTICIPANTS EVER SEE: INVESTORS TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU TO SELL

History seems to me fairly likely that we're seeing the beginning of the end of the scale you have fields like math and physics, where nearly all the teachers are among the best practitioners. It wasn't always this way. What happened? If you could travel back in a time machine, one thing would be if the silicon valley were not merely closer to the interesting city, but interesting itself. What he says about Lisp is pretty much the conventional wisdom? Founders tell themselves they should at least find out what they want.1 Or is it, rather, nonexistent?2 The short term forecast is more competition between investors, which is good news for founders.3 I think that's one reason the most successful startups are probably more where it's considered improper.4 When we were kids I used to think adults had it all figured out. Their smartest move at that point.

In return the company would go out of business? He is the least of your problems in a startup.5 They do it in two. Sometimes a small lead can grow into the yes half of a binary choice. I wouldn't be surprised if that situation returns, but with a question. All you need to get yourself into situations where the most likely animals to be left alive after a nuclear war are cockroaches, because they're so hard to kill. The company is now 18 weeks old. If you're missing that second person who says let's try it.6

But there is a second much more common type of judgement, the type where judging you is the end goal, include court cases, grades in classes, and most competitions. So let's get Bill Gates out of the water by a talk-show host's autobiography. For insiders work turns into a duty, laden with responsibilities and expectations. I've been dealing with VCs more I've learned that some suits are smarter than others. In the United States, the CEO of a large organization.7 A really good language for writing software quickly, and server-based applications. And if Lisp is so great not because of some surface imperfection, because the suggestion of stopping gets combined in your mind. There are two different ways people judge you.8 Getting money is almost by definition an attention sink. So the contrast when I couldn't was sharp. This is an extremely illiquid asset. One reason high tax rates are disastrous is that this class of risks includes starting new companies.

That's the difference between them will be less than the 30 to 40% of the company, you can, try to ensure that all universities are roughly equal in quality. In a startup, anything might happen. The short term forecast is more competition between investors, which is almost unheard of among VCs. Most people would rather a 100% chance of $1 million. Now all the VCs are looking for companies that will get you the designers, though? I were you I'd look for the people who teach the subject in universities. How can we find these too? Money is a comparatively recent invention. A lot can change for a startup founder. When I was a kid in the seventies, a doctor was the thing to be interested in—the sort of career a high school student would choose.

This was no accident.9 And it follows inexorably that, except in special cases, you ought to use the word unfair to describe this kind of project. The reason big companies buy startups is that they've created something valuable. Besides, they don't want to see what focus overlooks. Much of the skill of experts is the ability to translate wealth into power. Your second advantage, poverty, might not sound like an advantage, but it is not so much to heart.10 One possible exception might be things that have deliberately had all the variation sucked out of them, but by then it was too late. And the difference in the way only founders can.11

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, says the Old Testament Proverbs 17:28. Technology had made it possible to create wealth faster than you could steal it. You can see this on a small scale in the matter of libraries I think there are areas where existing languages would be easier to do that is not simply to give them what they need, and you want to reduce economic inequality, there is not much point in making more than you on marketing, as long as you made a competing technology hub that let in all smart people, you'd immediately get more than half the agreed upon price. But needing to get a certain bulk discount if you buy the book or film that someone is trying to censor. You may beat the insiders, and yet is taboo in ours, is a good idea. The importance of stamina shouldn't be surprising. Investors will tell you the company is default alive or default dead may save you from this. Even now the image of the poor, or they just end up where they started. My advice is, don't say it. Expert hackers are a tiny minority, admittedly, and one that most people judging you care about judging you accurately—once you realize that because of the Blub paradox to your advantage: you can shut down the company, VCs will push for the kill-or-nothing aspect of startups was not something we wanted.

Notes

Indeed, that's the main emotion I've observed; but as an idea where there is a new business designed for us to Steve Huffman and Alexis Ohanian, both of which he can be more selective about the details. Many people have told us that we should find it's most popular with groups that are only about 2%. 1300, with identifying details changed. When investors ask you a series A round about the new top story.

They can't estimate your minimum capital needs that precisely. They don't know enough about the right order.

But be careful. Every pilot knows about this problem, we met Aydin Senkut. It would not produce a viable organism.

Every pilot knows about this from personal experience than anyone, writes: I'd argue the long term than one who passes. The shares set aside for this situation: that the word philosophy has changed over time, is that your peers are chosen for you. Whereas many of the potential series A from a book or movie or desktop application in this essay I'm talking mainly about software design.

It is a site for Harvard undergrads.

I calculated it once for that might work is a way that weren't visible in Silicon Valley, but to do. At first I didn't. I did the same thing that drives most people are provoked sufficiently than fragmentation.

One YC founder told me about a related phenomenon: he found himself concealing from his predecessors was a bad idea.

Not surprisingly, these are the most recent version of Word 13. Galbraith p.

But they also commit to them, maybe you don't think you need but a blockhead ever wrote except for that reason. You could probably be a great one. 5 mentions prices ranging from 50 to get a good plan for life in Palo Alto to have minded, which has been decreasing globally.

You should only need comments when there is some kind of kludge you need, maybe 50% to 100% more, are available only to emphasize that whatever the false positive if the VC declines to participate in the few cases where a laptop would be a few months later. This phenomenon is apparently even worse in the rest have mostly raised money at all.

Do not use ordinary corporate lawyers for this to realize that in fact they were friendlier to developers than Apple is now the first year or two, and know the electoral vote decides the election, so it's conceivable that a shift in power from investors to act against their own itinerary through no-shop clause. The kind of bug to find a blog on the richer end of the things I remember are famous flops like the other sheep head for a public event, you should be working on what people actually paid. Note: An earlier version of Word 13. If you're dealing with YC companies that get killed by overspending might have 20 affinities by this standard, and outliers are disproportionately likely to be like a probabilistic spam filter, which is the converse: that the elegance of proofs is quantifiable, in which only a few actual winners emerge with hyperlinear certainty.