#apparently some people were mad that their relationship is still ambiguous??

[resistanceisfeudal]

I have finally got to the episode of voyager prodigy when janeway and chakotay reunite and I'm so happy for them my god

[spaceorphan18]

Some (abridged) thoughts on The Shape of Things

The thing about this play is that - I watched it twelve hours ago, and I'm still thinking about it. I don't necessarily know if you want me to bore you with my complex thoughts about the play itself.

There's a lot going on -- about what art really is, about whether or not people can change, about how relationships change you -- and the play doesn't necessarily provide answers to these questions - kind of lets it hang. Structurally (where's @snarkyhag to laugh at me about this thought) it's very cleverly written and put together, and I got to the big twist a bit before it happened but wow, okay, that's just a lot to digest. But thematically, it's left ambiguous, and I wish there are things that... may have been explored more? May have been expanded on? May have been more than just surface level?

I guess I just think there's a superficiality to it. Which, is partly the point. but I guess, it's clever in how it gets to where it wants to go. But what it's actually saying, feels muddled. I also feel like, and this is so just my take, it's definitely a play written by a man -- and a man who is mad at women but I'm not sure if I can coherently describe why I feel that way.

(There's one small scene where the two women talk and I joked to myself that -- oh, gotta pass that Bechdel test. it did, slightly. But despite the fact that this was written by an apparently famous modern playwright, I wasn't that impressed with how the women were written as people.)

Idk - I'm still thinking it through, and I may need to watch it again, in full, to really get a grasp on how I feel about it as a play.

---

Anyway, getting into the Luke Newton of it all... first of all, though, I think all four of the actors did a pretty good job. I think the two secondary leads had not a whole lot to work with and made good with what they had. The main actress was great! It's a very, very, very complicated role, and I think she did well with it. I'd be super curious to hear what her actual take on the character is, though, because -- the character is basically a blank slate. (Or a psychopath. You decide.)

For Luke, I think the word I'm going to go with is captivating. I had seen some clips of this floating around, and I was intrigued and genuinely impressed because even from those clips - it wasn't Colin, and it wasn't himself (or the person he presents in interviews).

The character of Adam is -- an interesting one. He's a character who goes through a transformation, and a character whom I don't necessarily like - but maybe not for reasons that people may think. (I honestly don't mind the cheating part - as it made him very human. But the level of manipulation he willingly endured drove me crazy.)

But what impresses me is that Luke did such a great job breathing life into him - making him feel real (and different from, well, Colin is the only thing I have to compare it to) and making those changes feel real (even when I have some complicated thoughts about how I don't believe you can fundamentally change someone through superficial changes...)

There is also such a physicality to the role (being on stage is such a different animal) and I loved that. I think it's was such a fascinating thing to just -- watch him inhabit the character, and do different things, and not feel like I'm even watching Luke Newton at all - but a different person entirely. Which is why I use the word captivating because I think there were times when I was more interested in watching the acting and the performance more than the writing or story itself.

(does that make sense to anyone else but me - maybe not, but there we are.)

If I'm going nitpick one thing, it's going to be about the accent (and this is across the board - not just Luke). I don't necessarily understand what they were going for - New York? Boston? It... wasn't American Midwestern, says me who has lived here all her life. And some British got through. But -- I will say, the accent was dead perfect during scenes and moments that were probably rehearsed the most, and those were the more emotional and pivotal scenes, so no notes there.

But yeah, overall, he did a great job. I think this role was a range that he handled really well, and I hope when coming across new projects he continues to seek things out that continue to let him go in different directions. I think he really has potential, and I really hope the future projects he chooses continue to foster that.

And, like, I know a lot of people want him to blow up or become bigger, and sure that's fine -- but honestly, I hope he continues to do theater, too, because he's really great at handling the stage. (I'd love to go see a live performance of his someday)

---

A couple of smaller Bridgerton-ish related things

There's a part where Evelyn goes through Adam's journal and I'm like -- why is not not madder about that?? That's an invasion of privacy! And, I mean, yeah it did remind me a little of Pen reading Colin's journal

(Also - because it's bonkers where my mind goes sometimes, I almost feel like this play and its messaging is the antithesis to Bridgerton Season 3. And someone's going to try to make me explain that, and I'm not sure if I can other than it makes sense to me. maybe when I'm not so tired...)

Someone called Adam 'distinguished'. Ngl, I snorted.

And that's what I've got! I know this is an old(er) play, and I'm sure fandom already discussed it to death way back when, but if any of ya want to chat about it, please do!!!

[nogoodsheepstealing-greatgrandma]

So funny that The Red Sowing is literally The Bells Part 2

...As in Targaryen Queen wants the throne so bad they suddenly flip into lunatic who burns innocent people alive en masse - something neither of them ever do in the books. Yet while The Bells is generally accepted as awful writing and an abrupt character assassination, I see The Red Sowing praised (often the same people who criticise The Bells) as making Rhaenyra more interesting.

And part of that is the scale - Dany pointlessly burns an entire city street by street. Compared to Rhaenyra pointlessly herding in a hundred dragonseeds into a confined space and ringing the dinner bell. Rather than letting them go one at a time and not risking killing off all your potential dragonriders in one dumb fiery swoop. So, a relatively smaller dumb pointless kill count = good writing I guess.

Part of that is the relief that after a mostly dull season Rhaenyra is finally doing something. Which wouldn't have been a problem if they actually spent the season letting Jace have his book arc and take the forefront for a bit. Rhaenyra would have taken a bit of a step back, but we would have been able to focus on her grief and it would have been set up for Post-Gullet Rhaenyra. Instead the season is spent with Rhaenyra moping in frustration or dressing up as a nun or kissing Varys Marx Part 2 while Jace also mopes in frustration.

Part of it is the fact that Rhaenyra is a morally more ambiguous and less altruistic person than Dany anyway, so people are more willing to accept it as consistent characterisation. Especially if they've irritatingly got it into their head that Crispy is a rape victim (though thankfully not even the show, for all its other faults, understands him as such). Many who complain that Rhaenyra has been whitewashed by the show even cheer that we are, apparently, finally getting something closer to book Rhaenyra.

Which irritates me because most of Rhaenyra's worst actions take place Post-Gullet.

An event that hasn't even happened yet. And what she does in The Red Sowing is already far more monstrous than anything she ever does in the book. There is a broad spectrum between morally ambiguous, even dark, and... crazy cult lunatic who gives the Mad King himself a run for his money. Rhaenyra's worst actions come about from the loss of her children, from paranoia at losing more. That's a human story. The Red Sowing is an uninspired Targ coin flip.

As for her worst actions pre-Gullet... while there are some valid charges of whitewashing the biggest ones I see are incorrectly targeted. Like Rhaenyra's lack of involvement in Blood and Cheese, or calling Helaena an innocent. That is literally canon. That isn't whitewashing. The Rogue Prince literally sent the 'son for a son' raven from Harrenhall just as Rhaenys and Corlys were sitting the council down to discuss how to respond to Luke's death (Rhaenyra was absent out of grief).

Or Rhaenyra not killing Laenor. She didn't kill Laenor in canon either - for starters Harwin was still alive at the time of Laenor's death. The show switches up and compresses the timeline - the fight at Driftmark takes place at Laenor's funeral in the book, and Harwin is sent away to Harrenhal in the aftermath. So, Rhaenyra wasn't looking to marry Daemon while she was in a loving relationship with a still-alive Harwin.

Using the dragons as deterrence? Outside of an impassioned speech after Jace's death, that literally was the strategy she used in the book. Daemon lured Aemond and Vhagar away from King's Landing, and outside from one small battle at one of the gates the city swiftly surrendered at the sight of the dragons. Which were not used. (So no, Show Baela, when Rhaenyra said 'subdue their armies' she did not mean 'burn innocents').

Which brings me to my next issue with complaints of whitewashing, because it doesn't factor in areas where Rhaenyra had been simultaneously demonised.

Such as being complicit in the murder an innocent bystander in cold blood so she can fake Laenor's death. Or the fact that her arrangement with Laena is erased so a now-whitewashed Vaemond is depicted as the wronged party (erasing a black woman's agency and wishes - thank you for that hotd). Or the fact that she now voluntarily abandons King's Landing rather than being ordered away by her father, and getting passed over as Hand as a result.

Or 'questioned sharply' now coming before Alicent's demand to cut Luke's eye out, rather than being said in response to a threat to her children. Like either way it was a toothless threat, Rhaenyra was just trying to back Alicent into a corner to get her to admit to raising her children to coup. But it makes her the aggressor where she was previously reacting to Alicent's threat. And Alicent already had an understandable reason to flip out herself - her son had lost an eye - both mothers had a reason to lose their heads and say shitty things.

This isn't book purism for book purism's sake. The problem isn't that changes were made, or that changes were even necessary. The problem is that these changes dramatically re-characterise Rhaenyra.

Or, considering her motives are changed from ambition towards Peace Keeping in the name of Altruistic Prophecy of Destiny - temporarily characterised.

The show makes changes, but then doesn't write those changes consistently. And the show doesn't compensate for the way these changes re-contextualise the canon that they do keep.

Take Shae as an example. Show Shae and Show Tyrion have a genuine loving relationship. So genuinely loving that the events of book canon - Shae testifying against Tyrion and Tyrion murdering her in cold blood - no longer work. So in order to fix it, the show assassinates Show Shae's character by turning her into a bitter woman scorned, by having Tyrion now murder her in self-defense.

Sibel Kekilli reportedly defended her character, and asked the writers if they could instead give Shae the motivation that she testified against Tyrion in exchange for clearing Sansa's name. It still would have been a mess, but it would have been more consistent with the version of the character they wrote.

I ultimately think they should have just stuck with the book - if they were going to change or flesh Shae out it should have been done in a way that would have worked with the ending for her character. Making their relationship genuinely loving was a change that ultimately didn't work (as much as I am still moved to rewatch some of their scenes).

But having made that change, the show had to compensate for how the book canon they were going to keep was no longer going to work in a changed context. And they seriously dropped the ball.

So no, changing Rhaenyra's character isn't necessarily bad. But you have to understand what it is you are actually changing and how it interacts with the canon you do keep. And you have to write her consistently.

And when you have a character who is going to have a dark turn, it's important that you get that character right.

Just because a character does morally ambiguous things it doesn't mean that every dark action you can think of is on the table. What actions, why, to who, in what context, at what point in their character arc?

To compare to an actually good show (not that I think the characters are comparable) - Season 1 Walter White almost walks away from cold-blooded murder but ultimately makes his first kill out of self-defense. Season 2 Walter White guiltily lets Jane overdose so she can't blackmail him. Season 3 Walter White gets Jesse to kill another meth cook for him so he can't be murdered and replaced. Season 4 Walter White poisons and hospitalises a child (child endangerment, but not murder) to trick Jesse into helping him kill a crime boss who had threatened to kill him and his family. Season 5 Walter White will willingly work with someone who murdered a child out of cold selfish pragmatism, and will arrange the murder of 13 fellow criminals to keep himself out of prison.

Gus Fring orders a child to be shot to tie up a loose end. Todd Alquist tortures Jesse and shoots Andrea in cold blood just to punish him. Tuco beats a man to death for annoying him.

Walter White is a monster (again, I don't think he is comparable to Rhaenyra) - but he is a consistent one. It wouldn't make sense to have him act like Gus Fring, or Todd Alquist, or Tuco. And you don't prematurely put Season 5 Walter White in Season 2. Where would his character even go from there?

Where does Rhaenyra go after Squid-Gaming a crowd of bastards into a fiery massacre?

You can't have post-Gullet Rhaenyra in the pre-Gullet. And you can't have Mad King Aerys in Rhaenyra's place. Or... you can't have Aemond (burning the riverlands and beheading children) in Rhaenyra's place, or Aegon (burning the shepherd and his followers in a gruesome little light show) in Rhaenyra's place, or Daeron (slaughtering an entire town of innocents even though Maelor's killers had already been executed) in Rhaenyra's place.

To lay it out, not for the sake of book purism, but to detail the original context of her actions:

Rhaenyra reacts to Alicent demanding to cut her kid's eye out.

Rhaenyra leaves King's Landing because her father orders it.

Rhaenyra marries a man who may have killed her husband, at a point where she is grieving and has been essentially exiled from her position at court and passed over as Hand.

Rhaenyra makes an alliance with Laena to secure Driftmark and the Iron Throne for their children, and orders the execution of Vaemond when he falsely declares himself the heir ahead of both their children.

Rhaenyra fails to execute her husband, the father of two of her children and one of her few dragonriders, when he goes behind her back and orders the murder of a child.

Rhaenyra withdraws from her own council out of grief for her son, forcing her 14-year-old child to grow up too quickly (the Robb and Cat parallels hurt me)

Rhaenyra allows her son to let dragonseeds attempt to claim dragons - an inherently dangerous business that was always going to have casualties without squid gaming them into a cave and ringing the dinner bell - because they need dragonriders.

Rhaenyra turns darker after the Gullet:

Broken by the loss of one son, Rhaenyra Targaryen seemed to find new strength after the loss of a second. Jace’s death hardened her, burning away her fears, leaving only her anger and her hatred.

Catelyn doesn't become Lady Stoneheart until after the Red Wedding. Catelyn doesn't murder Jinglebell in cold blood until after she watches Robb die.

It hurts so much, she thought. Our children, Ned, all our sweet babes. Rickon, Bran, Arya, Sansa, Robb … Robb … please, Ned, please, make it stop, make it stop hurting …

Rhaenyra loses Visenya, then Lucerys, then Jacaerys and, she believes, Viserys. Four children gone, with two children left to protect.

That is the context for the worst of her.

Rhaenyra has Tyland tortured... to try to retrieve the crown's finances, and the failure to do so leads directly to the collapse of her reign.

Rhaenyra executes turncloaks - again after a series of betrayals that had already resulted in the loss of 4 children, with 2 left to protect.

Rhaenyra passes over the daughters of Rosby and Stokeworth... because she couldn't risk alienating the lords. The Greens had bankrupted her kingdom, she was in the middle of a civil war, she had two children left to protect. And idk maybe she had qualms about serving a 6 and 12 year old girl up to be child brides to Hugh Hammer and Ulf the White. Which leads to...

Rhaenyra turns against Nettles and Addam. Her own son's friends... out of classism and racism and... the urging of her own council. On the word of her mistress of whisperers. In the aftermath of one of the most horrific war crimes of the dance by Hugh Hammer and Ulf the White. Is turning against two of your few remaining dragonriders when the other side has just gained two dragonriders a strategically bad move? Absolutely. Arguably, so is risking the possibility of the other side gaining four dragonriders.

Even so, this is Rhaenyra at her worst. It is her at her most paranoid and, if Eustace is to be believed, most vindictive. It comes towards the end of her reign. It comes at a certain point, in a certain context. It is an earned moral decline.

It is nowhere near as bad as, or consistent with, a crazy cult leader Squid Gaming a crowd of bastards into a fiery massacre out of some deluded religious sacrifice.

Now, 'book purism' aside... even with the changes the show makes to Rhaenyra's character, The Red Sowing still isn't consistent with her new character (as inconsistent as her show character already was).

Rhaenyra just isn't set up as a crazy religious cult leader, even with her prophecy of destiny (heck the prophecy of destiny certainly never stopped show Rhaenyra from voluntarily bouncing to Dragonstone and leaving King's Landing for the greens). In the very first episode she acknowledges that the idea of Targaryen's being closer to gods than men is propaganda. She lets the white hart live rather than kill it and use it for political gain. She honours both Erryk and Arryk and is upset by their suicide. She doesn't force Steffon Darklyn to tame a dragon, and is horrified at his death. She is concerned with deterrence and avoiding conflict to the point that she'll disguise herself as a septa and risk everything to stop a war. She advocates intervening between the Blackwoods and Brackens rather than leaving it to Lord Tully because she knows how quick they are to turn to bloodshed.

There is no consistent set up for her being a) a lunatic or b) seeing human life as disposable.

Yes, even with this version of Rhaenyra's willingness to kill an innocent bystander in order to fake her husband's death

Because frankly that's about as consistent with the rest of her character onscreen as Rhaenys' dragonpit massacre is with the rest of her pro-geneva convention character. In both examples, you can see the contrivance by the writers. Their motivation for the dragonpit massacre was, in their own words, "what would be the worst thing to happen at a coronation?" and "wouldn't it be cool if?"

With very little thought of course to Rhaenys' motivation - as is embarrassingly clear in the way they address the glaring plothole their Big Episode 9 Moment created: why didn't she end the war there and then?

Well, it wasn't her war to start! (the greens had already started it, also how is the dragonpit massacre not an act of war?). And... she wouldn't do that to another mother! (she had already in fact done it to many many mothers). Ok well she's a classist who doesn't value the smallfolk as much as she does Alicent (except for 99% of the time when she's pro-peace and anti-violence and lamenting the cost of war, also I'm pretty sure she at least values the survival of her granddaughters over Alicent).

Ok... well she just had a stressful day and the tactic "hand over the crown, I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it" didn't occur to her.

Meanwhile Dead Bystander-Gate... clearly the result of not wanting to bury their gays. Well done show, harmful trope averted, but now Laenor and Rhaenyra are chill with a) murdering an innocent bystander and b) traumatising Rhaenys, Corlys and their children for life with the charred corpse of their loved one.

Now there are other reasons for why Laenor's exit from the show happened the way it did - primarily the structure of the season.

It had just two episodes to fit in the events of before, during and after Driftmark. They needed episode 6 to serve as a second pilot episode, while they wanted episode 7 to focus entirely on Driftmark, leaving no room for the aftermath (Rhaenyra leaving for dragonstone, Harwin's death, Rhaenyra getting passed over as Hand, Rhaenyra marrying Daemon).

So instead they took part of the aftermath of Driftmark (Harwin's death and Rhaenyra leaving for Dragonstone), stitched it in before Driftmark, and used it to set Larys up as an antagonist in the second pilot.

As a result two big character exits get switched around: Harwin dies an episode early and Laenor 'dies' an episode late. Which means cramming his exit into a quick montage at the end, alongside Rhaenyra's marriage to Daemon. A montage of Laenor getting assassinated, Rhaenyra grieving his loss for a few months, then Rhaenyra marrying Daemon wouldn't work - but a montage is all the episode has time for. So to expediate things Rhaenyra has to be in on it, but that would be too jarring a character assassination, so she can't actually have Laenor killed. So fake his death.

So... a big whopping mess, and honestly I think there were plenty of other ways to get around the episode structure - ways that wouldn't assassinate either Laenor or Rhaenyra's character. Or, again, temporarily assassinate.

Either way, 'this character assassination is consistent with another moment of character assassination' isn't a great argument in the Red Sowing's favour.

Same again for the blockade causing a famine in King's Landing,

Which I also see cited as set up for Rhaenyra squid gaming people. Well, the blockade didn't cause a famine in the book, because most of the food doesn't come by sea. It comes by road. Specifically, from the Reach. You know, the bread basket of the realm? Remember, from last time there was a famine on this show, during the War of the Five Kings?

This isn't an argument against exploring the costs of war for the smallfolk. But that comes later, and more realistically, with the taxes Rhaenyra is forced to raise. Right now its valuable screentime that could have been going to Jace, Cregan, Baela, Rhaena, Nettles (another smallfolk character!), Daeron, Marilda (another smallfolk character!), giving Addam and Alyn more personality and agency...

Oh wait we're giving these two random white guys sad backstories now? Sorry my bad.

The ultimate trigger for Rhaenyra's religious delusion seems to be Addam interpreting getting chased by a dragon as a divine sign from the gods...

which I guess was anticipating a cinema sins ding on whether Velaryons can be dragonriders without Targaryen blood? (Just say they're all from Old Valyria and call it a day).

In the book Addam had put himself forward as a dragonrider - demonstrating his ambition, daring and willingness to take a risk. In the show this level of agency and motivation is reserved for the white dragonseeds - leaving us with a passive Addam and a lunatic Rhaenyra.

Which leaves us with 'this bad writing was set up by previous bad writing', which again isn't a great argument in the Red Sowing's favour.

The other set up we've supposedly received for Rhaenyra's fanaticism is... reading history books and doing some light Visenya cosplay. I bet that's how Mad King Aerys got started too.

Or seeing the White Hart as a divine sign. Many people see the White Hart as a divine sign. They don't all go crazy. Putting stock in dreams and signs and portents is a Westeros thing rather than specifically an Evil Targ thing, that often does not result in mass murder.

As for the idea that Rhaenyra believes so fervently that she needs to win the Iron Throne in order to protect the realm from Long Night that she'll sacrifice people en masse for the greater good...

Again a) set that up and b) why are we prioritising inserting a song of ice and fire into a story about female succession? And after we just had 'Daenerys believed in ending slavery so badly she became hitler' do we really need another mad queen on the altruism to mass murder pipeline?

Even then, the sowing of the seeds was already dangerous in the book without squid gaming everyone. If you want to depict it as a fiery sacrifice then... people individually trying to tame the dragons one at a time already had a high casualty. That was already a decision Rhaenyra accepted as a sacrifice for the greater good. Which as moral declines go is less of a rapid descent into absolute lunacy. Again, without risking killing all your potential dragonriders in one fiery swoop. And apparently ordering your guards to let themselves get burnt alive to stop people from escaping?

It does make me wonder what was going on with the dragonkeepers strike. Setting aside the fact that this is an absolute monarchy and they don't have union rights so... Rhaenyra can just order them to do their job lol. When I first watched the episode after hearing some leaks I saw this scene and thought "oh ok so the dragonkeepers are too classist to do their jobs, and that means something is going to go wrong and the dragon is going to get out of control".

But nope, turns out the plan was for the guards to stop everyone escaping a fiery sacrifice... and to be a part of that fiery sacrifice themselves so... the dragonkeepers were refusing to be part of that fiery sacrifice? Rhaenyra was planning to burn all the dragonkeepers too?

Thing is, the Red Sowing sequence is more shocking and cool to watch on our screens

and perhaps it was cheaper for the budget to kill everyone in one go. But if the only way to save on budget is to assassinate your main character then perhaps you need to go back to the drawing board. There were ways around it. Idk, a montage of people going one at a time? A scene of some people giving up and being free to leave, while others decide to stay and risk it? A scene of a dragonkeeper reading the list of casualties per dragon?

You could have had Rhaenyra listening to the list of the dead. You could have had Rhaenyra letting the cost of the greater good sink in. You could have had Rhaenyra try to reassure herself that they did it out of their own free will and... actually explore it as a difficult morally ambiguous decision that a ruler could realistically rationalise. You didn't have to make her a monster.

Which is why it tickles me that I see fans lavish this season with praise for being a reserved pro-smallfolk anti-war story that refuses to glorify violence because... it isn't.

Not that it doesn't have effective anti-war moments (the ground-level view of the battle of rook's rest was very well done!) but:

a) Just because a show tries to address a topic doesn't mean it's doing it well (essay for another day but anachronistic riverlords geneva convention was laughably bad). Just because a show replaces action scenes with dialogue scenes doesn't mean the dialogue is actually any good (I lost count of the number of times the dialogue amounted to "oh tis so hard to be a smallfolk, you high lords do not care for us smallfolk, war crimes are bad").

And congratulations, you explored the sad smallfolk backstories of two white male characters while removing the agency of or flat-out erasing 4 smallfolk of colour! (hey remember how Hugh got Addam's moment of heroism in the Red Sowing?????)

b) The show still adds in crowd-pleasing shocking action sequences, at the expense of all internal logic and character consistency. First dragonpit massacre, then the Red Sowing. It adds in fucked up spectacle where it didn't previously exist, it prioritises shock value.

So no, the show doesn't get the credit for being reserved in it's depiction of the Battle of Burning Mill. An event that actually would have introduced us to the character of Alysanne Blackwood - but instead we spend the season with Willem Blackwood and Amos Bracken (the male characters who died at the battle), and their deaths are replaced with two male ocs for tumblr to ship.

If you're going to have spectacle and action sequences that lament the cost of war... canon already provided opportunities to do so. You don't need to invent war crimes that assassinate characters. (And you don't need Hugh and Ulf to take the place of your characters of colour as our smallfolk viewpoint characters).

And... funny how the canon war crime of Aemond burning random villages is shown only in the aftermath, some flames and screams in the distance... while we get elaborate visceral on-the-ground spectacles out of show-only war crimes for Rhaenys and Rhaenyra.

(but sure, the show is team black bias)

[mistaeq]

Tuesday, 29th December

Greek Mythology!Duwang Gang AU: Headcanons

TW // sliiight nsfw-ish or non-con hints in dionysus' part. come on it's dionysus.

Today I offer you these babies. Tomorrow who knows. Hope you enjoy, I had fun with writing these.♡

Greek Mythology AU: Duwang Gang Headcanons. [includes: Higashikata Josuke, Nijimura Okuyasu, Kujo Jotaro, Hirose Koichi, Yamagishi Yukako, Kishibe Rohan]

WORD COUNT: 2k

HIGASHIKATA JOSUKE as APOLLO

Seen as the most beautiful god, Apollo has been recognized as a god of archery, music and dance, truth and prophecy, healing and diseases, the Sun and light, poetry, and more. One of the most important and complex of the Greek gods, he is the son of Zeus (Joseph) and brother of Artemis (Holly). As the protector of young, Apollo is concerned with the health and education of children.

He's seen every early morning, on his chariot, to bring the sunlight up in the sky, all over the Olympus. Josuke's the dream of many nymphs, who look at him from afar, singing songs for the god with their sweet voices, a sound so sweet, a sound so celestial... which is covered up by Apollo's voice fucking around the Olympus with young Dionysus (Okuyasu), pulling pranks on Poseidon (Jotaro) or getting drunk.

You're the most envied creature out of everyone in the Olympus, because Josuke only has eyes for you. Envious nymphs stare at you, and comment on you, trying to convince themselves that they're way better than you are.

"Don't listen to their envy and their insults, they don't know how to cope with the fact that I have clear preferences..." he'd say, caressing your cheek and neck. "This is what poisons relationships and romances... envy... jealousy... but we don't have these useless problems, do we, love...?"

His relationship with other gods on the Olympus is usually fine, but it's not like he cares about hiding his feelings. Almost everyone who knows Josuke, will get to know after not even a week that the god is crushing on you, and that he wants to marry you. You sure hope he's not gonna behave the same way he did to Daphne...

It seems that he has healing powers, and if you happen to not to be a deity, he'll gladly use them on you, Josuke wouldn't forgive himself if anything happened to you.

NIJIMURA OKUYASU as DIONYSUS

Surely not known for his capability to reasonate, Dionysus was the ancient god of wine, fertility, ritual madness, theater, and ecstasy. The god is shown to be a beardless, sensuous, naked or semi-naked youth. Though Dionysus was mostly a kind and generous deity, he could be cruel when he needed it. For some reason, Aphrodite (Yukako) doesn't want to get close to him. She looks scared.

He doesn't do much, during the day. Let's say his favourite thing are feasts. Not really chaste ones, to be completely true. Okuyasu's mind is almost totally hedonistic, and won't feel guilty just because he spent a day watching dancing maenads and had fun teasing them with his Thyrsus instead of caring about whatever mortal dude needed him on Earth. Most of the time he's drunk, but Josuke has his back for some reason.

Many say they don't envy you for being the god's favourite creature, but you don't really care. You enjoy lying down with Okuyasu, caught in a ecstatic feeling as he turns you on with his touch and teaseful words whispered at you.

"Tell me, is it embarrassing for you to be the only one to lie beside me during feasts?" He'd run his lustful gaze and hand all over your body as he asks so, and smirk a little. "No? It isn't...? Sounds like you really like it instead, to be completely honest. Good... really good, in fact. Kiss me now."

He doesn't really have a brilliant relationship with other deities, apart from Apollo. He sometimes sees Echo (Koichi), but not much more. Still, everyone knows it when he has someone he's interested in. The man becomes possessive, Okuyasu will make sure everyone knows you're his. He might give a demonstration during feasts.

He likes to feed you grapes, and in case you liked wine, Okuyasu would want to hold the glass for you as you drink. He likes to do this for you, and you don't mind letting him.

KUJO JOTARO as POSEIDON

Poseidon is the violent and ill-tempered god of the sea. He is nowadays known exclusively as a sea god, but in ancient times, he may have been the god of the earth and fertility or even the supreme god of the sky. His huge height and strength come from his Titan parents, Cronus and Rhea. What he can't acquire with romance and gentleness, he does with violence and craftiness.

He sometimes uses the sea as a coping mechanism for his tiring life. Jotaro doesn't find his ocean so bad to be in, he concentrates and spends his time doing stuff gods... do? What does he really do, is not clear? Apollo and Dionysus tried to stick their heads into the water to spy on him several times, without any result. It's not like he's so happy when mortals need his help, but he can't pull back from his duty.

Poseidon probably noticed you because you weren't bugging him for pointless stuff. He likes pleasures too, like most of the deities do really, he just needs to find the right creature for him. Jotaro doesn't enjoy partners who talk too much.

"Don't worry about being a bother for me. You're the first one who isn't truly bothering me, I take it as a goal by now." he'd say, after he closed you in a bubble in order to bring you under the sea with him. "I never dare to show my realm to people who I judge as annoying, remember that."

It's not like he doesn't have a good relationship with other deities, he basically doesn't really care. He'll just be happy with being under the ocean whenever he feels Josuke and Okuyasu approaching, or not to be there during Apollo and Calliope (Rohan) debates. Give him some deserved peace and an ocean and he'll be grateful forever.

If Jotaro lets you in his private place which is the ocean, consider yourself special for him, for he hates having people there, above all people who are there for him purposely.

HIROSE KOICHI as ECHO

Echo is a mountain nymph, or oread. The myth says that Echo offended the goddess Hera by keeping her in conversation, in order to prevent her from spying on one of Zeus' lovers. To punish him, Hera deprived him of speech, except for the ability to repeat the last words of another. Because of this, his good heart is often misunderstood, but he managed to be appreciated nonetheless.

Koichi would rather have no conversations, for he's not able to say nothing more than the last words his interlocutor said. But he's down to make people understand what he wants to say, by writing it down or through gestures. Apollo approached him once, and brought Dionysus along. He doesn't know how to feel about hanging with gods, but since his issue isn't a problem to them, he'll keep them around. Until they misbehave...

When he gets to know you and notices you aren't willing to exclude him for he doesn't talk properly, his heart melts. Echo wants to spend most of his time with you now, since you make him feel comfortable about the problem Hera caused him.

"I love you, I love you, love you, love you, you, you..." he'd repeat, after you told him that. When he wants to say something like this, you say it for him, so that he can repeat it and say it as well. "You're important to me... important to me... important to me... to me... to me... me..."

Look, he's trying his best, really. Deities aren't known for their inclusive ways, and when he asked you if it was because of his past, you quickly said it wasn't. Nobody cared about it there. Deities were like that with every nymph. Echo had a chance to build up a good relationship with Calliope (Rohan). The muse taught him a lot.

He has fun bringing you to places where your voice echoes, to make you judge who does it better between him and the nature. Needless to say, Koichi always wins.

YAMAGISHI YUKAKO as APHRODITE

Aphrodite was known primarily as a goddess of sexual love, beauty, fertility and even occasionally presided over marriage. Even prostitutes considered Aphrodite their patron. She's had many mortal lovers, and none of them should have ever dared to make her upset. She won't be down for forgiveness, she's really never been. Still, Aphrodite found herself often in trouble due to her personality.

Differently from many other deities, Yukako's real fun consisted in watching humans' love stories bloom and wither. Sometimes she was the reason, sometimes she wasn't. Mortals were so easy to play with. It was when she thought that playing gods was just as simple, that she got caught into a trap. Since that mistake, she decided she would have been amused enough to be happy by mortals' love stories.

Oh, Aphrodite's so used to creatures - above all gods - who tried to stick around her for her body only, so that when you give an appreciation for her intelligence, she'll remember it and love you forever. It's like you signed up a free trial to be loved.

"You know, it's difficult to make me feel love so strong I don't even think about the lustful part... but apparently you managed to do so..." she'd say, sitting in the calm forest as she hands you a flower. "It's good to know someone doesn't love you for your body only but for yourself as well."

Yukako's relationship with other deities and creatures is just... ambiguous? She may never judge what's behind everyone's gaze. Hatred? Love? Lust? Who knows. All she knows, is that the only sight of Dionysus makes the ground under her feet disappear in fear. Compared to him, she'll just be fine in everyone else's company.

Everything she does, it's for the good. If it happens to harm you, Yukako definitely didn't mean it. It'll be enough to tell her, and believe me, it won't happen again.

KISHIBE ROHAN as CALLIOPE

In Greek mythology Calliope is the muse who presides over eloquence and epic poetry. He's called the "Chief of all Muses". He's down to help every literate artist who needs him, gives inspiration and guides the mortals' talented hands, as far as they deserve his power. Calliope's used to be mentioned, and might happen to get upset if not. Even if he's only halfway a deity, he's known for his confidence.

The most famous out of the Muses, Rohan won't forgive anyone who's never heard about him before. He can be seen around Echo a lot lately, since he found the nymph's story interesting and won't hold back from inspiring a mortal with writing about what happened to Koichi. He's used to collect creatures' stories, in order to be written by someone who's talented enough to talk about them properly.

He probably got interested in your story first. Then, for some reason he grew possessive of it. Calliope won't let a mortal put their filthy hands on a story so pure. Let the Muse be the only one who can properly love you.

"This story of yours is so beautiful, I can never have enough... and it's mine only, is it, y/n? Is it?" he'd ask him forever until you answer yes, he'll find no peace at all. "Let me get inspiration from you. Let me be the only one who can properly appreciate your life... just like you deserve."

His relationship with other creatures and deities is... rather good? Rohan's used to have debates and discussions with Josuke, and most of the time they just disagree. Though, many envy his capability of being so creative and smart, mortal writers ask for his help several times. Aphrodite and him sometimes fight over Echo.

He'd write lots of poetries in order to edulcorate your feelings towards him and make you forgive him for his excessive possessiveness. Rohan often succeeds.

[katsidhe]

15.20 Final Thoughts

Supernatural is over, and somehow, despite itself, it did the very best it could to please me. That was always going to be an impossible task. But truly, sincerely, that finale was as close to my desires as the show could ever bring itself to come, and so, so much closer than I ever dreamed it would dare.

I am so, so glad that no other regular characters were involved (Bobby aside, but he was brief). How better to encapsulate their own emptiness? How fundamentally fitting, than in the epilogue to their final battle, wherein the entire world beyond them was erased, the wider universe is merely set dressing for them to move through. And it was so quiet this way. This finale wasn’t overcrowded or rushed. It kept its own peace. And it preserved the tangible claustrophobia that 15.19 invoked: that tangled, lovely, solipsistic, toxic conviction that these are the only two people on earth that matter.

It’s unclear exactly how much time passed between 15.19 and 15.20. I like to think it’s been at least a year, given that they’ve settled into routine and that their grief seems less fresh. (Although yes, the concept of Dean dying on his very first hunt without a resurrection available is hilarious, I must confess.) Their calm domesticity, their peace, was lovely to watch (Sam kicking the laundry machine! Sam with wet hair! Sam running! Sam cooking, Sam looking a little less bulky than usual, and happy!) But man, it really is Dean’s world, isn’t it? Even the DOG, which really, really, really could reasonably have been primarily Sam’s, was Dean’s dog first and foremost. Then on Dean’s say-so, they get in Dean’s car to drive to a pie festival for Dean. Sam is perfectly content to go along with all of it.

As if we hadn’t gotten enough delightful fanservice, we also got one last scene of Sam threatening to torture someone to death. :) what a king.

I love that Dean died to an OSHA violation while fighting a random loose end from season 1 (which, by the way, I CALLED IT, I am so proud of myself). It’s perfectly mundane. I truly and deeply do not understand anyone complaining that Dean should have gone out in a way that’s more epic. He’s been there, done that, guys, and remember how miserable it was? Now there’s no cosmic safety net. Dean died in a broken down old barn, saving some kids. Moments like these are when Dean is at his best, at his most fundamentally sympathetic: when he’s not trying to control the shape of the universe or dictate righteousness or let his anger drive himself down into a destructive spiral. He’s just putting his money where his mouth is. He’s not making a broad moral statement. He’s simply putting his life on the line to defend someone who needs defending. It is not an unworthy end. It’s so much better than going out to, god forbid, God.

Did Dean earn a lifetime of peace? The concept of just desserts is fraught. But I also don’t think it’s something Dean wanted. He wanted to keep killing things in tetanus-infested barns until he died. He got what he wanted. And while the arc of his wants has adapted over the years, MOTW hunting is fulfilling for him.

Dean’s deathbed speech was, oh man. It got me good. Like many of the things I loved in this episode, it was quiet. No desperation, no revising history (or not too much, anyway). Just, “stay with me, please. I love you. Tell me it’s okay.”

The quiet of Sam’s grief, alone in the bunker. How still his face is, until for a little bit it crumples again, and then it comes back and goes still. He’s not trying to control his reactions or press back against his sorrow. There is no work to do, nothing to avenge, no one to find, nothing to defeat. He is alone, and the washes of visible grief simply come and go in waves that he doesn’t try to fight or force.

I need the gif of him flinching at the toaster. His startle reactions are my favorite thing. He’s alone underground, there is not a living soul for miles and miles, he’s just buried his brother, not for the first time, but this time, he knows, for the last. And the goddamn toaster goes off and he cannot control the way his heart leaps up into his throat and the way every one of his muscles tightens.

Sam grows old. Sam. Grows old. Sam grows old! SAM GROWS OLD.

Ohhh my God, Sam grows old. Without Dean! Without hunting! Without Cas! With people outside that claustrophobic world, beyond the four tight walls of SPN, beyond the people approved by Dean and by Fandom, who give him peace and love and fulfillment! SAM GOT OUT. Even with the truly terrible wig the image brings me to actual tears. I cannot believe SPN would allow him to have this. I cannot believe that the show let him be happy without Dean. I want to read the set of novelizations about Sam’s recovery.

Of course this was the only way for Sam to get unwound, and of course it had to happen offscreen in flashes. Thank god for the ambiguity. There’s so much potential there, years and years, we were simply told: and at some point Sam’s life gets better, at some point his mental health improves and he feels safe enough to start a family, with someone, and at some point he has a child, and he dies peacefully, he dies loved and with people who love him, and dammit I’m getting weepy again.

Sam quit hunting. Not in a sudden jolt. We see him leaving the bunker on another job. But when he leaves the bunker, he leaves for good. He has so much knowledge, but he does not preserve the Men of Letters. He does not honor their legacy of extermination and experimentation. Maybe he gives someone else the keys, for the books. Or maybe he’s digitized it all, and maybe it’s done.

Maybe his wife is Eileen, or maybe it’s Amelia, or maybe it’s Piper or Cara or maybe it’s someone new. Maybe it’s not even a woman. And maybe she’s a hunter, but I hope she isn’t, and when Sam tells her, haltingly, in fits and starts, the bare outline of the truth, she looks at him and she believes him. And she understands the shape of the trauma he carries, even if Sam can’t quite speak the details, and maybe Sam goes to therapy. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he wakes in pain and fear for many years, but over time, it dulls.

Sam’s son is still a young man when Sam is on his deathbed, probably in at least his eighties. Think about the mountain Sam had to climb to reach that point. How many years and years of work did it take before Sam felt safe enough to want a child? How long for him to gently conquer his terror at the legacy his blood might carry: Lucifer and Azazel are dead, he knows this, but how long before he lets himself believe it enough to permit the risk? And then he raises his child, not in fear and loneliness, but with love and support and care. And he makes sure his son is protected, that he knows to salt his thresholds and ward against demons, but his son will not suffer the way he suffered.

Maybe he untangles his thoughts about Dean, maybe he learns that to feel angry with his brother is not to betray him or to dishonor his memory, maybe he comes to a more complex understanding of their relationship. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he simply enshrines Dean, and Dean’s memory becomes ever more golden and untarnished, and the Impala becomes truly an altar. The details of how Sam carries Dean with him—the watch, the car, the absurdly large photos, his son’s name—perhaps these are played straight, and perhaps Sam never finds a more nuanced love. In the meta sense I think we are certainly meant to think this. We are meant to see Dean deified here, canonized into a saint. We are meant to view Sam’s fifty more years of life as worship, as a dedication and an offering.

This is the long shadow of the finale. These are the things untouched by necessity and by design: this is Dean’s apology in 15.18, this is Sam not wanting an apology, and not wanting to hear Dean offer one. This difficult work was always and inevitably going to be elided. But there is so much time, decades and decades, offscreen, for Sam to come to a quieter peace.

I think he can do it.

I think Sam can do anything.

I’m crying again.

I really didn’t think I would cry much about the finale. I thought I would cry at the concept of the show ending, but not at what the ending was. I didn’t think any details would actually affect me. But then Sam got old. I am truly and genuinely hung up on the canonical image of Sam finding peace. Good god. He had GLASSES. Help.

My chief complaint (aside from that absolutely awful Carry On cover, why oh why, they should have just played the original again), if I felt at all like complaining at the moment, would be how happy this ending is. But I can’t begrudge Sam that. I can’t even get too mad at the scene that I was SO SURE I would despise: that of Sam and Dean content in a Heaven that is now apparently Great, Actually (even though a prison dimension with an open floor plan is still a prison dimension, but hey, I guess we humans can’t leave earth either). Supernatural clearly wanted Sam and Dean to not be facing down an abyssally bleak afterlife, and I think I’d be complaining about the lack of bleakness a whole lot more if it didn’t have the (perhaps unintended??) side effect of giving Sam even more freedom from Dean than SPN already deigned to give him. Sam isn’t in a shared cell with Dean. He can be with his friends and his wife and his son.

One of the fundamental questions of SPN is, would Dean ever let Sam go? And it’s a question that the bulk of s13-15 has rendered moot with Sam’s growing passivity, and one that 15.20 neatly dodged. And I’m glad it did, because I wouldn’t have liked whatever 15.20 had to say on the matter. This deflection feels true to the spirit of what the show has become.

It was impossible for Sam to find peace while Dean was still alive. And on its own that kind of says everything, doesn’t it? And Sam is still forever denied the peace he truly longed for. Sam didn’t want death to force Dean’s hand. Sam wanted Dean to want to let him go. But the only way Sam and Dean could heal is apart. The potential of their relationship on earth becoming untangled is forever precluded, explictly. And yet Sam’s freedom is validated, Sam is allowed what he sought in season 1 and season 8, Sam is something beyond a hunter and Dean’s brother, and the show let him be, the show let him grow.

Supernatural said Sam Rights, and the world shook.

[troublcmakcrs]

As Clyde stammered through an apology, Tweek’s expression softened, still not quite inviting, but no longer bitterly hostile, something more neutral.  He had been too hard on the other, he realized that, and his bitchy defensiveness was not going to get him anywhere.  He could not help it entirely, as the reflex to protect himself was ingrained so deeply within him, and he still had trouble with determining where the threats really lied.  It was safer to assume guilty until proven innocent, but it was not conducive to forming relationships, especially when he shut perfectly well-meaning people out.

Clyde wasn’t bad, just clumsy and a little silly and shortsighted.  Tweek loosened his arms, not uncrossing them yet but relaxing ever slightly, ensuring he could still close himself back up if he needed to.  He still expected the worst, the ambiguous worst that never happened but still kept him up for days on end, and even though he was trying to extend an olive branch, he needed to give himself a way out.  He needed to have all options out on the table, including the ability to shut himself back up if sharing went badly or if he got too scared by how far out on the limb he was.

“Craig tried to get me help once,” Tweek hazarded softly, still with that impassive countenance.  “We were too young for it, though.”  The only reason he knew about that was because Craig had come back to him in helpless, furious tears, unable to hide what he had tried and failed to do.  The guilt from his defeat broke him down, and he told Tweek all about it, apologizing because Colorado state law required that you had to be at least sixteen to receive therapy without your parents being informed about it.  Tweek was doing better that day and was further sobered by Craig’s tears, and he rubbed the other boy’s back, saying in low tones that at least he had tried and thanking him for the goodness of his efforts.  He kept the thoughts about how it was silly to try to himself because even if he had found some success, they weren’t insured without their parents, and neither one of them could shell out the one-hundred-twenty dollars or so a week.  How good it felt to be the one consoling Craig, then!—what a sweet variation in their relationship!  It was rousing to be the one in control for once, while the other fell apart on the floor.  As he pulled Craig into his arms and petted his inky tresses, it was almost possible to believe they were friends again.

But then, the hospital happened, and it became apparent that Craig wasn’t as well-intentioned and noble as Tweek had wanted to think him.  Those tears he shed had been for himself, because he was still stuck in a situation he didn’t want to be in, stuck with Tweek, and he couldn’t convince anyone to take Tweek off his hands.  But when a more docile approach didn’t work, Craig found a way to force them to take Tweek away from him for seventy-two grueling hours.

‘It’s a mental hospital, not a prison,’ Craig tried to reason with him.

‘To YOU,’ Tweek bit back.

And Craig had not said anything in return but looked at him with such a gravity of expression that his meaning was clear enough: You may be right, but I don’t care.

Craig was never well-intentioned, he was a bastard who thought of no one but himself, but Clyde wasn’t Craig and didn’t deserve the icy treatment.  He was making sincere efforts, the ungainly sort, the only kind that could be made by people who had never experienced addiction or madness or all manners of abuse.  But he was decent, and wasn’t his big heart and glowing warmth what drew Tweek to him in the first place?

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.  If you’re grudging yourself for not doing anything, don’t.  There was very little that could have been done at the time.”  Besides, Clyde had done his part by coming around the coffeeshop a little more often, even if Tweek was not often in an especially chatty mood.

“Very few people do deserve the circumstances of their lives, I’ve found,” he mused, his gaze drifting off in front of him, unseeing.  “Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad ones, and nobody learns anything.”  A dull pain settled like a stone between his ribs, and his breathing came more raggedly.  “It is what it is…”

His present upset wasn’t Clyde’s fault, not really, which meant it was Tweek’s turn for an apology.  “I’m sorry I—hhn—snapped at you.”  He looked up and away, swallowing rising bile in his throat, and curled a little around the pain in his chest.  “I don’t l-like talking about it, really.  And I definitely don’t—egh—like to feel like a v—like a v-victim of it.”  It was arduous, forcing that word out of himself, and he scraped his teeth along the top of his tongue to shove the taste of it away from him as quickly as possible.  “It makes me f-feel ssssmall and we…eak…”

What? 

Why was Tweek acting that way? 

Clyde had… Clyde had only wanted to express his sympathy, not pity. He wanted to acknowledge that he had seen all the pain and suffering and bullshit that the so-so-small man had gone through. He wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone– But… Clyde slowly realized that the only thing his words actually did–other than make a complete and total ass of himself–was draw unnecessary attention to the fissure that separated their very different adolescent experiences. He could see now that there was no distinction between the two emotions to Tweek; where Clyde saw compassion in his words, Tweek saw someone handing out condolences for their own self righteousness. He had fostered further isolation.

A heavy, unsatisfying weight–like too much ice cream after too much cake–settled in the lowest trench of his belly when Tweek spun away from him. Rejection and leaden guilt hampered his retreat, as well as hindered his advance. Clyde remained glued to his spot, with sneakers full of cement, unsure of himself and how to handle the other’s response. Tweek’s reaction gutted him, but the reality of the situation was that he had brought it upon himself by opening his mouth and inserting his foot. Clyde should have known better than to broach the subject with the tiny, blond man. To be perfectly honest, until Tweek shunned him, he hadn’t even realized he was cutting open an old wound. His fault for being the idiot who felt like he needed to say whatever was on his mind without considering first that his words and actions would have consequences. Being so stupid, so naive was what he felt bad about mostly; his intrinsically selfish nature.

Clyde knew Tweek could without a doubt fend for himself. He was capable and scrappy, and his perseverance in the face of adversity was what Clyde liked most about him. (Well, that and one other thing). The broader man knew his friend valued his independence above all else, but by his words… How was Tweek supposed to know that’s how he felt, that he understood him? 

He stared at the back of Tweek’s sleeve, a focal point on which to train his eyes, until the other moved again and curled his thin arms defensively around himself. Clyde’s gaze quickly and automatically shifted to the willowy line of Tweek’s spine. Anything to force himself not to blink. If his eyelids met, the trance would break and the tears would flow. He knew Tweek would be the last person to coddle him. Especially given the circumstances of their conversation. What the hell did he have to cry about anyway? Clyde couldn't help that he wore his heart on his sleeve, but he could learn to control himself. (At least a little, Jesus Christ.)

“I don’t pity you, I–” He paused. Was he really about to say ‘Sorry’ again? He stammered, tripping over his words; an easy task considering the aforementioned foot in his mouth. His fingers nervously carded through his soft brown curls. Clyde needed tactile feedback to steady his wits, but knew expecting to receive that from Tweek was more than an egregious request. He swallowed thickly, forcing himself to think before speaking this time. He looked up and met the other’s surreptitious stare. Clyde felt the stirrings of genuine apology in his throat now. 

“I’m sorry, seriously. I…’m trying to say you didn’t deserve the shit that happened to you. I couldn’t do anything but watch. I was too young, but so were you. And that’s… that’s the part that’s not fair. It’s not pity, I promise.” He just talked in circles, not helping anyone. His lips sealed and his jaw clenched. Clyde wanted to walk the entire conversation backwards and wrap his solid arms around Tweek’s tiny frame. But damage had been done and he didn’t want to make matters worse. He could learn from his mistakes, really.

“And I know words can’t change anything either… I just should have kept my mouth shut.” He stared down at his hands held loosely in front of him; he had been unconsciously reaching out for Tweek anyway. He scoffed and crossed his chest with his own arms, adopting the other man’s stance. “Sorry again, I guess.”

[chookity-dookity]

THE HIDDEN LIGHT

A lot happened to our characters in this episode--the key word there being to. They were kidnapped, questioned, and generally bossed around--whether by Arachnitects, KVNs, or mad scientists--but didn’t actually end up doing all that much. With few exceptions, they were denied the opportunity to make their own decisions. Instead, they were propelled ever onward by the demands of the plot.

That’s not such a bad thing. Most stories are not purely character-driven. But it’s a bit hard to get emotionally invested in a character’s story when they have so little influence on what’s going on. “The Hidden Light” wasn’t a bad episode, but it was a pretty forgettable one. It felt more like an extended set up than its own story, carefully moving pieces into place and dutifully advancing the plot.

So. Let’s talk about plot.

THE SHIP The acquisition of a replacement ship is probably the biggest plot development in this episode. In many ways, it was a return to the S1 status quo. It kind of makes me wonder why we even bothered with the Crimson Light and HUE-the-garbage-bot in S2. But I’m not complaining--I think the S1 formula was a lot more effective, and I’m glad we’re returning to it.

The reveal that Nightfall made the arrangements for the ship was an interesting one for sure, and I’m not quite sure what to think of it yet. In some ways, it seems at odds with her S2 characterization. Why would she have set this plan into motion? None of the other timelines ever progressed to this point. But perhaps there will be future revelations about Nightfall that will put this all into perspective. I’m raising my eyebrows, but I’ll withhold judgement for now.

THE OTHER SHIP Olan has sworn up and down that this season will be the one that gets people who were skeptical about the Gary/Quinn relationship to finally like it. And I, contrarian that I am, find myself feeling the exact opposite. As much as Gary’s stalkerish behavior in S1 was uncomfortable, he and Quinn had a nice rapport by the end of it. And it never felt like she was just his love interest--she was her own character with her own motivations, and she was the primary driver of the main plot.

But this entire episode was framed from Gary’s perspective. I mean that in a quite literal sense. Not only does the story follow Gary when he’s separated from Quinn, but the literal animation is focused on Gary’s point-of-view. He gets more closeup and extreme closeup shots than Quinn does. When she reacts to something, he’s often in the frame with her--but not the reverse. He gets more reaction shots overall, and the ultimate effect is that Quinn’s feelings take a back seat to Gary’s. It’s a bit of a letdown, especially after we were told that this season would be particularly focused on Quinn.

NEW CHARACTERS On a related note, I can’t help but notice that in the last few episodes we’ve lost two female characters and replaced them with three male ones. (Quatronostro’s gender is a bit ambiguous, but for the time being at least we seem to be treating them as a man.) And this is probably my single biggest concern about S3. The near-total absence of female characters was a real flaw in S1, and female representation was one of the few improvements S2 actually made. But here, it feels like much of that progress has been reversed. Not only are female characters still playing second fiddle to Gary and the Catos, now we’ve traded in Jane Lynch for yet another catman. Talk about adding insult to injury.

ATTACK ON TITAN Meanwhile, Bolo is apparently on a mission to kill all the Titans. While all his scenes so far have been cool as hell, we still don’t know that much about his story. Does he have a plan beyond just getting revenge? And what’s the deal with the other Titans, anyway? This is one plotline that could definitely use some fleshing out. I feel like this episode would have been better served by making this the B-plot and relegating Team Avocato to the next episode. Speaking of which...

ARACHNITECTS How sad is it that we introduced three new Arachnitects only to immediately kill them off? RIP, my dudes. I hope you are avenged next week.

[firehananas]

Writing Commentary - 2021 edition

I used to do this before on my ffnet account (in French) but I think this could be more interesting to post it here. To have a back trail, you know.

Note most of the fanfic are in French.

Amont of works publish this year: 8

Fandoms:

* Tenkuu Shinpan (2+1 translation)

* March Comes In Like a Lion (1)

* Pokémon (2)

* Assassination Classroom (1)

* Forgotton Anne (1)

* Angels of Death (1)

Ongoing (total): 11 Complete (this year): 2 (+1 translation)

This is the first time I try to write in English (all my thanks to rdfa (she’ll recognized herself)). I’m still nervous about it but, well, if you never try you’ll never be good, right?

It’s also my first time writing in the “x reader” genre. If you try to not give gender or use the “y/n” stuff, I find it quite stimulating and engaging (otherwise, I tend to think it’s pretty useless to put descriptive such as e/c or whatever. Like, what’s the point. I know what kind of color my eyes are, I don’t need you author to made me think of it. Be honest and says it’s an OC, nobody will be mad). Anyway, that’s fun and not as easy as you can think in first glance.

I try two different things — two with the classical second point of view, one with the third point of view. Two out of three were gendered female because self-fanservice I suppose.

Made also some translations - one of my own writing (Midnight Still <=> Minuit s’éternise [Tenkuu Shinpan]) and it was very interesting how to stay ambiguous on the gender, because French loved to gender every stupid thing in the world. I loved to subvert it. Fuck gender. Incredibly surprise and “disappointed” of the popularity they get tho. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing people enjoying my writing! But I’m disappointed because it’s not something I’m particular proud of and I wish other stuffs I made was this popular. But, it can’t be help! That’s just how it is. Once I would finish Anges [Dé]chus saga, I don’t think I’ll come back to “x reader” again. 

Speaking of gender, I started Autumn’s naps [March comes in Like a Lion] which features my very first nonbinary protagonist OC, Kotone. It’s not apparent yet, but’ll be more explicit later on. Poor Kotone, they’s lost in the city for months now; I promise they’ll find their way at one point and second chapter will be fully publish. I also need to update the link on my tumblr, I swear I think of it each time I open the app ufeziutg It’s supposed to be short multi-chapter fics, and everything is written for the red line. Just need to put some form. Light hearted kid fic with terminal illness, family, friends to lover and growing up thematic. I try to stay close to the MCLL spirit. And in case you miss it, it’s in ✨English✨

Which leads to the others works I publish this year.

Terre-à-Terre : Ash’s Planet for the anniversary of Pokémon Diamond & Pearl and the remake (who completely sucks if you didn’t know btw, I’m crying bitter tears but at least I didn’t buy it) who promise to be a goddamn long fic (three parts of ~30 chapters). My goal here is to write a believable and not too much annoying love triangle between an OC/Commander Saturn/Mars, after the fall of Team Galactic. Saturn thinks everyone is an idiot, but he knows deep down he is the biggest fool. Curse, nobody take the Team Galactic seriously except when they do, atonement, rehabilitation and of course romance themes. Mostly canon-compliant and a bunch of OC grunts.

Noces Funèbres [Angels of Death] is suppose to be short (2 or 3 chapters), but it was taking dust in my pc so I need to work on it. I’m honestly very surprise of the warm received it gets, especially for something written in French. So I better not letting it died (ahah). A deviation if Rachel escapes from Danny without the help of Zack and meets Eddie. Canon dark themes, ambiguous relationship between Eddie and Rachel.

Sans peur et sans reproche is a parody/pastiche of fantasy and shonen genre with the settle of Pokémon. I have other thing to write right now so I’m not currently working on it, but I wanted to see what people would think about it. For now, nothing much but hey, who knows in the futur? Medium fic, I hope. Family, friendship and epic battles are excepted. Featuring talking Pokémon.

A fic “p/rn with plot” also that is not finish yet, but I won’t go in the detail. Honestly, it’s not really easy to write sm/ut, I can’t help myself but find it stupidly narm. Shouldn’t be long either — 6 chapters max.

A character study with Balles Perdues [Forgotton Anne]. I’m thinking about making a translation when I’ll have time. Magnum is a very interesting character and I’m a little sadden there is just me who had make something for him. Angst, mourning, death themes. Heavy spoilers too, and inspired by my own let’s play.

Still ongoing but didn’t really write for them this year:

* Le Dragon de Cristal [Eldarya]: I’m stuck at the chapter where Leiftan is supposed to met Erika and Ashkore; I’ve no idea how to make it right yet. * La princesse et le Sorcier de la forteresse [Hetalia]: Each year, I said I’ll finish it. Each year, I open the document of the fic, read it, and forget about it. Maybe next year? * True Self or Trust Yourself [Pokémon]: I really love this fic, but I need to read it and correct it. And I should make a real red line — like written on a doc and not mental note that I’ll without a doubt forget. * Le Baron Rouge : Autodafé [Pokémon]: This fic is so dark and depressing that I couldn’t work on it this year without feeling super awful. I hope I’ll be in better mood next year, because I think it’s one of the best thing I have ever write. (Also thinking about changing the title?)

Thinking to deleted: 

* Deux fleurs jaunes [Hetalia & Ib]: I have said long ago I’ve gave it up, but I’m thinking about making definitely gone. I really dislike having unfinished stuff on my profile... * Anima : le Souffle [Harry Potter & Hetalia]: Between my growing disinterest in Hetalia and JK being unquestionably a TERF, I no longer want to write for it anymore. Which is a shame, I have think about this fic for years... but well. I’ll probably deleted it soon.

Coming Soon (if it’s not out already):

* Spider Lilies (crawling in our skulls) [Tenkuu Shinpan]: Basically, canon deviation where Kuon meets Yoshida and Rika prioritizes rejoining his sister instead of helping people. Will your faves survive? Make your debt! Will maybe have a sequel, and it’s in ✨English✨ (probably followed by a French translation)

Also, I have a memoire to do this year so I don’t know how much present I’ll be in 2022. We’ll see!

[bitletsanddrabbles]

WIP Wednesday

So apparently my brain has decided that Island of the Gays by @alex51324 is going to be my crack and chocolate for the rest of the year. Of course, this being my brain, it may well change my mind next week and go charging off in a different direction all together, but for now it’s pelting me with ideas, one or two of which have stuck.

This is a bitlet from the one I started today. While I normally try to keep Thomas ambiguously married to whoever-the-reader-pleases, for this one I needed his beau to have an identity. I went with Richard for plot reasons. He’s not in this snippet.

“Is that you, Mr. Barrow?”

Thomas paused, having just shut the door behind him. “It is. Good evening to you, Lord Hexham.”

“And to you as well,” the other man returned, crossing the remaining distance between them and drawing to a stop directly in front of Thomas. “I’d actually hoped to catch you before you left. Do you mind if I walk you home?”

“Not at all.” There was a time when he’d have been surprised at the other man seeking him out, particularly. However, Lord Hexham had learned long ago that when it came to the Beacon’s finances, it was best to approach Thomas or Richard first. Between the two of them they could normally talk Kit into seeing reason in relatively short order. Figuring that there was some budgeting issue, Thomas turned his feet toward home. “What’s on your mind?”

Lord Hexham fell into pace behind him. “I’ve a bit of a personal favor to ask, actually. Of you and Richard both.” He paused, then gave a little half laugh. “Dashed embarrassing, really, and I shall quite understand if you tell me to go soak my head.”

Thomas gave him a sideways glance. The poor lighting rather obscured his face, but his posture was a bit more withdrawn than normal. “I can’t imagine what you’d ask that would make me tell you that,” he said, quite honestly. The years had proven the other man to be quite kind and surprisingly conscientious, for a toff. Oh, he had all of the normal upper crust traits - no idea how things really worked, an impression that money could solve all ills, that sort of thing. However, once you pointed out to him the reality of a situation, he didn’t fuss, and he was more than willing to learn. They’d even shown him how to operate the printing press, in case he ever needed to know how. He hadn’t, but Thomas appreciated the show of willingness.

“Yes, well, hopefully we’re not about to find out.” There was a pause, a sigh, and the other man started his request. “You see, back in September I received word that my cousin is getting married. My favorite cousin, as it turns out.” He paused again and added, “That is to say the only cousin who is actually pleased to claim the relationship.”

Thomas understood that one. Allies, of any sort, were something the island prized above gold.

“At any rate, he invited Victor and I to come.”

“Both of you?” That was a surprise.

Even in the darkness, he could see hte other man’s smile. “Yes, well, you can see why he’s my favorite. At any rate, it was easy enough to say yes back then, but now that the date is drawing near, I confess, I’m growing nervous. I’ve not had much to do with the rest of the aristocracy since the war, you see, and when I have it was always in my territory, not theirs.”

Thomas could appreciate the problem. After five years on the island, the idea of going back to England and facing the real world head on was daunting. Mrs. Hughes had become a regular correspondent, to his surprise and pleasure, so he was still in touch with the realities of the mainland, beyond what was covered in the paper, but he was still quite content to live apart from it for the rest of his life, thank you. Come to think of it, Lady Edith was supposed to be getting married this month too. Perhaps he should send a card. “What is your cousin’s title, if I may ask?”

“Estate agent.” They were moving into the side streets now, so it was entirely too dark to see expressions, but the smile was still evident in Lord Hexham’s voice. “Oh, he’s my heir as well, but with luck he’ll If it weren’t for him keeping everything under control at home, I wouldn’t be able to avoid everyone else. So you see, I’m quite indebted to him and would be the worst sort of coward if I let the prospect of dealing with my peers scare me off.”

“I can see that, yes,” Thomas frowned. There was something that wasn’t adding up here. “But how many peers are going to be at the wedding of an estate agent, even if he is your heir?” And what on earth did it have to do with him?

“That’s the thing,” Lord Hexham continued, a tension in his voice that suggested they were drawing near the heart of the matter. “He’s marrying a bit above his station. Not too high, mind. The second daughter of an Earl. In fact, I’ve been told you know her. Lady Edith Crawley?”

The name caught him completely off balance. “Oh. Blimey. So that’s who she’s marrying, then?” Mrs. Hughes hadn’t given him many details, only that the wedding was to be the end of the year and from what she knew of the groom he was a nice, dependable young man. There had been some unpleasantness with Lady Mary back when they’d first become engaged, apparently, and the whole thing had been called off for a time, but now it was back on and everyone was scrambling like mad to be ready. That was all. He supposed that after Lady Sybil had run off with the chauffeur he shouldn’t be surprised by Lady Edith marrying an estate agent.

“It is. Which brings me to my request.” The other man took a deep breath and charged ahead, “You see, while I love Victor dearly and value his support in this, I would like to have as many people on my side in this as possible and preferably someone who knows the lay of the land, as it were.”

Uncertain he was actually hearing this, Thomas repressed a laugh. “You want me to come with you?”

“If you’re willing,” Lord Hexham confirmed. “And Mr. Ellis as well, of course. I had thought that, for the time we’re at Downton at least, the two of you might pose as our valets? Victor’s and mine? As I said, I understand that this is asking quite a lot and will not fault you if you tell me to go soak my head.”

[jcisthebestfightme]

BJYX Song #8: Brother and Sister

BJYX Song Series List

Disclaimer: My own speculations only.

So after two very sweet songs from gg, we’re back to dd. Dd, why are all your song so sad? Even though we see dd very happy with gg all the time, the songs he chose all reflect his insecurities, especially with age and gender. 

The song I want to talk about today is “Brother and Sister” by Easen Chen, one of dd’s favorite artist that he listen to since he was young. Even though the title says “brother” and “sister”, which implies a guy and a girl, on Baidu Baike (Chinese Wikipedia), it says that this song describe a love so pure, it even exceeds gender. It says “它甚至可以是同性的爱情” which translate to “it can even be love between two people of the same gender.” The lyrics is written by a man that’s famous in the Chinese music world for his sexuality and writing songs that speaks about unrequited love in homosexual relationships. 

This song was listed on the top of his song list when it was displayed during the ttxs episode that gg was there for. Since the events of Bombology, we know that dd tried really hard to get gg on the show and was mad at him for almost not coming. This allow people to speculate that dd is showing gg this song list, which was full of sad love songs, in order to convey to him his feelings of sadness and insecurities in their relationship. I think that they may be songs dd listen to when ggdd had a period of separation after the filming of CQL when gg wanted to get out of character and figure out how they can be together in the future. I think dd is using this as an opportunity to let gg know how much pain he was in back then. You obviously wouldn’t go up to the person you’re dating now and be like “hey listen to these songs I listen to when we were on a break.” And since he was already pissed from gg’s almost in-attendance, he may be using this to get some attention. We know from gg’d reaction that this is the first time he saw this song list or songs similar to this style from dd. When the list was first shown, he was like “What? This is your song list?” And then later, he asked again, “Is this really your song list? I feel like it’s wrong.” (summarizing) Dd then responded that he has many different song lists. So gg was surprise to see this side of dd. Dd likes to act proud and strong so he probably rarely show his vulnerable side to gg, especially when it’s about their relationship.

The backstory of the song already tells us that we can interpret “brother” and “sister” to also be between two “brothers.” If anything, I think this is the song that directly refute anyone that likes to say ggdd’s relationship is friendly, just like brothers. If you watch the music video of this song, it’s actually about the homosexual relationship between two girls. 

對我好　對我好　好到無路可退 ([You’re] nice to me, nice to me, to a point of no return)

可是我也很想　有個人陪 (But I also really want, to have someone to accompany me)

才不願把你得罪 (So I’m unwilling to upset you)

The first line uses repetition to emphasize how “nice” the other person is over and over again. We can see that gg also treats dd this way, creating a safe space to allow dd to be himself and not getting mad at dd when he’s being stubborn. I’ve analyze before in “If I were a song” that this is the way gg show love to dd and this is the way he thinks he can best love dd. However, I never thought about how dd feels about this. This first line tells us that maybe dd can misinterpret it? He knows gg is being nice and loving to him but it actually makes him feel insecure. Is gg being nice because he treats me like a child? Just like family? Is he just a nice person? 

The line “to a point of no return” tells us that dd is completely head over heels for gg, which most of us can see with our own eyes. Here, we learn he know so himself. He knows gg is nice to him and he knows he likes gg. But wants more than that. He was gg to “accompany” him. “Accompany” here means someone to spend eternity with. Dd is saying he desire to never let go of gg. If we assume that he’s speaking about the period where they were on a break in late 2018, then dd is super insecure about where his future with gg is. They spent an entire summer being in an ambiguous flirtatious stage, that may or may have developed into an early relationship. But then gg left him and he feels really hurt. He want to hold gg close forever but he can’t because he loves him too much. That’s why he’s “unwilling to upset” gg. We can see from their interactions and the song “Nan Hai” that dd is actually the one that’s more self-abased and less confident in the relationship. He’s so afraid of not being to provide for gg.

於是那麼迂迴 (So we walk in circles)

一時進　一時退　保持安全範圍 (Sometimes we move forward, sometimes we move back, we stay in the safe zone)

This part of the song talks about how ggdd was during that ambiguous state. They push and pull, testing each other to see how far they can take their relationship. The word “進 (forward)” and “退 (backwards)” before? Yes, they were the same motifs as in “If I were young.” In “If I were young,” knowing when to move forward and backwards show maturity. But here, it’s telling us that even though knowing these limits show maturity, it’s also very painful to be stuck in the ambiguity. For someone as young and straightforward as dd, he must be in a lot of agony. But because of his gender and age, I think dd feels like he must endure this because he can’t be as straightforward as a more socially acceptable romantic pursuit.

這個陰謀讓我　好慚愧 (This scheme makes me ashamed)

享受被愛滋味　卻不讓你想入非非 (Enjoying the feeling of being loved, but won’t let you get what you want)

We can feel dd’s agony in this stage. But instead of making himself the victim, he’s actually blaming himself for “enjoying the feeling of being loved” too much. It’s almost as if he feels like he doesn’t deserve this love he has with gg so every moment he has with him, it’s godsent. This explains why dd is so self-abased in this relationship. He feels “ashamed” for wanting more from the relationship so he’s unwilling to let go and allow gg to “do whatever he wants” because he’s scared that maybe what gg wants is just friendship or brotherhood. 

就讓我們虛偽 (Let’s be fake)

The word “fake” here has many layers. Because CQL is a BL drama, many people often accuse ggdd as being fake in their relationship as a form of queer-baiting for promoting the show and gaining popularity. So I think the “let’s be fake” can hit too close home for dd because he doesn’t want to have to sell out his relationship with gg but at the same time, if he can use this excuse to be close to gg, should he? This goes the same for their roles as WWX and LWJ. They could use their “fake” persona who are two lovers as an excuse to be lovey-dovey with each other without ever revealing their feelings. We know from all the interviews how much dd wants to separate himself from LWJ but gg during filming sees himself as WWX so dd also struggles with using LWJ as an excuse to get close gg. 

有感情　別浪費 (Have feelings, shouldn’t be wasted)

This line is basically giving in to his desire. Dd knows that true “feelings” exist between them and for someone as ambitious as he is, he won’t let any opportunity “go to waste”. We can see from how determined he is about dancing, motorcycle, skateboard, etc. that he would not let anything go. This is also true about his feelings for gg, at least that’s what he wants. However, there is a lot more insecurity when it comes to love and so while dd wants to grab on like he does with his hobbies, part of him is also afraid to move forward.

不能相愛的一對 (Two people that can’t love each other)

親愛像兩兄妹 (Emotionally close like brother and sister)

This goes back to the theme in all of dd’s songs that talks about not being able to be together because of gender and age. Here, even though we’ve established previously that genuine feelings exist, they “can’t” love each other and have to settle for being “brothers.” I think the label of “brothers” is also particularly agonizing for dd because that’s how homophobia in China like to wash homosexual relationship, for example saying that Wangxian’s relationship is just brotherly. So if ggdd can’t be lovers, being “brothers” would be socially acceptable relationship for them.

愛讓我們虛偽 (Love allow us to be fake/hypocritical)

The relationship feels fake because it’s not exactly what dd genuinely wants. They use their roles as actors and Wangxian’s relationship to cover up a lot of their feelings for each other. 

我得到　於事無補的安慰 (What I gain is useless comfort)

你也得到模仿愛上一個人的機會 (What you gain is the chance to imitate falling in love with someone)

This echos the first line of the song that gg gives dd a lot of care. But the “comfort” is “useless” because no matter how much gg gives, if they’re not honest about their relationship, dd’s heart will always have a gaping hole that the comfort can never fill. Since dd is uncertain of what gg feels, all he sees is gg acting like he’s liking someone so that’s why it feels like gg is just “imitating” the act of falling in love. We know now that gg does love him but when you’re in a fog of ambiguous relationship, you can never be sure if the other person is in love with love or in love with you.

殘忍也不失慈悲 (It’s brutal but still have mercy)

這樣的關係你說　多完美 (This kind of relationship, won’t you say it’s wonderful?)

These two lines have a tone of mockery. The oxymoron of “brutal” and “mercy” paints the push and pull relationship they were in during filming and the up and down dd must have felt when they were on a break. We know dd is a very blunt person and doesn’t like to beat around the bush. So for him to be in this state, it must be agonizing, painful, and “brutal” so the word “wonderful” is definitely mockery. 

眼看你　看著我　看得那麼曖昧 (Look at you, looking at me, looking so “ai mei”)

被愛愛人原來一樣可悲 (Being loved and loving someone apparently is equally pitiful)

I purposefully didn’t translate “ai mei” because to me, there is no good English word for it. It describe an ambiguous state before dating when you’re flirty yet uncertain. When we watch the CQL bts, “ai mei” is the pink flurry bubbles we see between ggdd. Here, the song perfectly describes that state during filming. It also uses “eyes” and “looking” to describe this “ai mei” between ggdd because the most obvious sign of ggdd liking each other in my opinion is the way they look at each other, whether as Wangxian or as themselves. But the next line tells us that while it seems pink and fluffy from outsiders, it’s actually “pitiful” that that’s all they can have, for both parties. I think here dd thinks the’s the one that is “loving someone” and gg is the one that’s “being loved”, establishing an unequal position between them. But I think that they love each other equally and that dd was just too in a mist to see it.

為什麼竟然防備　別人給我獻媚 (Why guard? The flattery others give me)

不能推　不能要　要了怕你誤會 (Can’t deny, can’t want, I worry if I want you will misunderstand)

讓我想起曾經　愛過誰　我所要的她不給 (Let me be reminded of a person I used to love, and she didn’t love me back)

好像小偷一樣卑微 (I was just as pitiful as a thief)

The “can’t deny, can’t want” echos the beating around the bush feeling. You can feel the ambiguous tension in this verse. The song talks about another girl that the singer used to love that didn’t love them back. Here, I’m going to assume that dd just empathize with the feeling and not take it literally. The line “as pitiful as a thief” really breaks my heart. Dd must have felt like the love he was receiving didn’t really belong to him and that every moment he was bask in it, he was being greedy.

The actual plot of the whole song is about a girl liking the singer and the singer didn’t like her back but still enjoy the ambiguous situation they were in. My own head cannon for this song is that for dd, he empathize more with the pain of the push and pull described in the song more than the plot. He’s unsure where his relationship with gg stand. If he listen to this song during late 2018 when they barely contact, he must’ve been using this ambiguous pain to describe the relationship they had during summer 2018. It may’ve been sweet but dd was always in a state of fear of loss. And since he wasn’t in contact with gg, he is also afraid that gg will come back and say they should just be “brothers.” “Brotherhood” must be one of the most painful definition for ggdd because during their interviews in summer 2019, they always refer to each other as “friends” (or “like friends”) and rarely ever use “brothers” because “friends” can imply “best friends” and “boyfriend” but “brothers” can only ever be platonic.  

This song was as agonizing to analyze as it was to listen to. But it’s such a beautiful piece. It’s actually really hard not to let my own emotion get to my analysis haha. I will pick something happier for my next one, probably gg’s view again. 

Also, happy birthday, dd! This is the 8th song to represent you. The music video also have them celebrating a cake. I hope you have move away from pain and are celebrating with loved ones <3

[jcogginsawriter]

Hand to Hand: Mark Waid’s Flash

I have been a fan of comic book characters for a long time. I started with the cartoons, and as I got older, I began doing deep dives into wikis, reading fanfiction, and participating in that shallowest of internet past times, the vs debate. I dabbled in writing fanfic for myself, but I spent far more time thinking about writing fanfic instead. I would come up with all these ideas about what I would take from the various different versions of the characters, and don’t get me started on the idea of Crossovers.     The point is, I knew a lot of what happened in the comics, but I never read many comics. I didn’t know where my local comic shop was, and even if I did, I wouldn’t have had the money to spend on them. The comics that I did read were usually fan translations of manga. I did read a few comics, big name stories like Death of Superman or Crisis on Infinite Earths, but they were few and far between.

Recently, I’ve begun to change that. I now follow several comics as they come out, most notably the current X-line. This change sprang in part because I began reading a lot more comics criticism. In particular, I followed the blog of a certain Superman fan, and began to eagerly digest his various takes. I wanted to be able to ask him questions about new comics without looking like an idiot (This is how 90 percent of my interactions on comics twitter go, BTW) and that was a kick in the pants for me.

After getting into a steady habit, I decided to look into reading some of the classic runs I’d read so much about throughout life. To go from knowing them second hand, to knowing them first hand. After a bit of hemming and hawing, I’ve settled on Mark Waid’s legendary run of Flash Comics to start off with.

(Spoiler Warning for some 30 year old comics, by the way)

As of this writing, I have read up to the final issue of his story arc Dead Heat, wherein Wally does battle with the speed cultist Savitar. Before we get into things like plot and characters, I want to discuss the art, because no discussion of comic books is really complete without talking about the art. Unfortunately, the art in this run hasn’t done much for me, but that’s not really it’s fault. I read this comics in manner that they were not created to be read, digitally and zoomed in. These comics were drawn with physical issues in mind, and I don’t doubt that they’re good in that format. It also doesn’t help that I’ve read far more manga than I have American comics. American comics have never clicked with me the way manga does. Even now, I still find the layout of manga more legible than the layout of an American comic. That’s not a value judgment, it’s just my personal experience.

I do distinctly recall thinking that the art was better up to issue #79 (The conclusion to the Return of Barry Allen storyline), than it was after. I prefer the less exaggerated character designs, and lighter inks, though it could very well be a case of me having gotten used to the initial style and not liking the change. One thing that thing I can say about the art is that it helped me grasp how Wally’s costume differed from Barry’s. Before this, I was incapable of separating them in my mind, but seeing them side by side made it clear to me how different Wally’s Costume was colored and shaded.

Now, onto the writing of the run, we’ll start with the lead, Wally West. My previous touchstone for Wally was the Justice League series from the DCAU, which I watched a lot as a kid. The Wally in these comics comes off as more serious that his DCAU incarnation. Not too serious, he still cracks jokes, but he’s more on the ball. He takes his adventures as seriously as any hero would, rather than the more carefree attitude I recall his DCAU version having. This is not unsurprising, Wally here is the lead whereas there he was part of an ensemble cast, and here we get his internal monologue which gives us a much more thorough sense of his headspace. Not to mention, the DCAU version was voiced, so we know with no ambiguity what tone his dialogue’s in. In text, tone is more up to interpretation.

Perhaps the biggest thing that set Comic Wally apart from DCAU Wally is that the Wally in the comic was more consistently angry and frustrated. While his DCAU incarnation had hidden depths, I can’t recall a time when he got seriously angry. This Wally is frequently irritated, usually by things which are enitrely understandable. On occasion, his irritability causes him to be rougher with the bad guys than he could be, and that feels uncomfortable sometimes, though thus far he hasn’t gone too far.

Going into this, I knew that one of the issues that Wally had to overcome was his mental block about surpassing Barry, and to my surprise, it wasn’t as much of a through-line as I expected. I was expecting it to be a reoccurring issue that was solved by the Return of Barry Allen storyline, but in reality there are only one or two times something like it comes up, usually in the context of him not being able to do the vibrating through walls trick. In the Return of Barry Allen, it feels more like an issue introduced in that story than a long running plot line. Granted, it may only feel this way because I’m solely reading Mark Waid’s Flash. I didn’t read the issues prior to his take over, so that storyline could have been more apparent there for all I know.

Moving on, starting with Waid’s run had another knock on effect, that being that the character introductions aren’t introductions. I came into this expecting to see when Wally met Linda, when he met Jay Garrick, when Pied Piper redeemed himself, but all of that happened before Waid took over the book, so they’re already part of the cast from the start. Again, not a flaw of the work, it’s just a result of my personal experiences. Now, let’s take a look at some of these characters.

I’ve heard a lot about Linda and Wally’s romance, and so far it’s not bad. I wouldn’t rate it as one of the best of all time, but I haven’t gotten to most of the major moments yet, so that’s not a huge surprise. One thing that’s very apparent is the Lois Lane DNA in her character. Some of that is to be expected, which the love interest to your superhero is a reporter, but I see a lot of similarities in their personality as well. There’s a lot of the same fire in her. Fortunately, the fact that Wally’s identity is public lends a very different arc to their relationship than what you see with Lois and Clark, so Linda doesn’t come off as a Lois rip-off. Linda’s concerns that there’s no place for her in Wally’s wild superhero life is the kind of relationship hurdle that isn’t present in Lois and Clark’s Relationship.

Next, let’s take a look at the first Flash, Jay Garrick. Within this series, Jay is perfectly pleasant, and by no means unlikable, but he also comes across as...kind of superfluous? There are three elderly male speedsters in this comic, and of all of them Jay is by far the least defined and has the least role. Max Mercury is the Wally’s mentor in the ways of speed, the one with the most knowledge of the Speed Force. He’s basically what I expected Jay Garrick to be going into this. The third of the group is Johnny Quick, a speedster who is the father of another speedster, Jesse Quick. Jesse is also very skeptical of Max Mercury’s teachings, which veer from the scientific into the mystical.

Because Johnny takes the role of skeptic, Jay is left without a role in the narrative because being the nicest of Wally’s friend group. Veering over to Hollywood for a second, whenever a book gets adapted into a movie or TV Show, minor characters get lost in the transition. Either they get composited with other characters, or they get cut entirely. Game of Thrones is the most prominent example in recent memory. I bring this up because, if Waid’s Flash were to go through that process, it’s hard to argue that Jay wouldn’t get the ax. Despite being the most important of them in the context of the universe at large, Jay is the least important Speedster in this narrative. Of course, Jay’s importance in the context of the larger universe means that in this hypothetical adaptation, he probably be composited into either max or Johnny. More likely Max, since mentor is the logical position for the first Flash to take in the Third Flash’s narrative.

I mentioned Jess Quick there, so let’s talk about her. Thus far, her most prominent role in the narrative has been to call Wally out and be his critic, though she does have very good reasons to be angry. In the Terminal Velocity storyline, Wally believes he’ll die soon, and tells the Flash Family that Jesse will be his successor, but it turns out to be a lie in order to motivate Bart Allen to take things more seriously. Jesse has remained angry with Wally since then, though it hasn’t seriously impacted her hero work. That’s good, because her continued competence lends legitimacy to her anger within the narrative. She’s not being punished for being mad at Wally for mistreating her. Hopefully it stays that way going forward.

Now let’s take a look at the character Wally chose over Jesse, Bart Allen AKA Impulse. I’ll say up front that I’m not reading Bart’s solo series during this read through, as I didn’t want the hassle of going back and forth between books. As such, the only issues of it that I’ve looked at are the ones that tie into the Dead Heat arc. I feel it’s important for me to say this, because I’m basing my opinions of Bart primarily on his showings in Wally’s book, not his own. In Wally’s book, Bart’s character flaws are more on display.

Bart is a character deliberately designed to be obnoxious, and such characters are a hard tightrope to walk in fiction. Gotta be annyoing enough to get the point across, but not annoying enough to turn people off from the work. Bart in Wally’s book isn’t perfectly balanced, and tends toward the too much pile. Not to an egregious extent, but a little bit. I found myself echoing Wally’s frustration with Bart more than a few times. In Bart’s defense, Wally does share some of the blame here. He doesn’t do a very good job as a mentor, and handing those duties off to Max is probably for the best.

I find it interesting, that a character like Wally who is so defined by inheriting a legacy is a poor mentor, to both Bart and Jesse. He makes different mistakes with both of them, but he still fails both of them. I’m eager to see how that plays out in the future issues.

Now that we’ve discussed the supporting cast, let’s discuss some of the book’s villains. We’ll start with the one who is most infamous, Eobard Thawne. Thawne’s spends the majority of his time in this book thinking he’s Barry Allen, and if I’m being honest, he’s more effective under that guise that he is as Eobard. The scenes where what appears to be Barry Allen turns evil out of jealousy of his successor are powerful, more so than the more traditional villain Eobard displays after the reveal. Not that it would have been a good idea for it to actually be Barry, of course. Much as I prefer Wally to Barry, having Barry go full supervillain would have been very out of character. In any case, this run had a profound impact on Eobard’s character going forward, solidifying him as an agent of toxic fanboyism, making him a dark mirror of Wally West.

The next major villain of the run is the cult slash terrorist organization Kobra. That might bring thoughts of GI Joe to your mind, and you honestly aren’t far off. So far as this run goes, the biggest differences between DC’s Kobra and Hasbro’s is A) DC’s version prefer green over blue, and B) Hasbro’s version has more in the way of distinct characters. Kobra thus far is more of a plot device than  anything else. They’re generic terrorists with little to make them distictive. Their storyline, Terminal Velocity, is more notable for it’s introduction of the Speed Force, Wally preparing for his upcoming ‘death’, and Linda going on a revenge quest after said ‘death’. All things that Kobra is incidental to, any villainous organization would have sufficed.

The final, as of my current point in the run, major villain is Savitar. Savitar was formerly a soviet test pilot who gained a connection to a the speedforce, gave himself the name of Hindu god, and started a speed worshipping cult. It says a lot about my mind that my immediate thoughts upon reading Savitar’s origin were. “Huh, an AU where Hal Jordan became a Speedster the same way would be neat.”. Savitar is in some ways an improvement on the Kobra Cult from Terminal Velocity. This time the Cult has a more direct connection to the Flash and his mythos. Dead Heat is by no means a retread of Terminal Velocity, but if you wanted to mesh them into one story, it wouldn’t be hard. And it’d improve on both, in some ways.

One of the things I like to do in my fanfic ideas is connect the other speedsters to Thawne’s theme of Toxic Fandom, and it wouldn’t be hard to do that with Savitar. His entire motivation is to deprive those he considers unworthy of their speed, and that can easily by played as a metaphor for gatekeeping.

Over all, while the run is far from perfect, I must say I’m enjoying these comics a good deal, and if you’re like me and have read a lot about comics without actually reading them, I don’t think you’d regret jumping into them.

[jackdawyt]

Contaminated with the Blight. Known to thin the Veil, and forces anyone who dare wield it go mad. There’s a lot we’ve got to talk about regarding this most blighted material, however, in order for us to foreshadow what involvement red Lyrium may have in the future, we’ve got to excavate its original source – raw lyrium.  

Lyrium

Regular, non-tainted Lyrium is a mineral constantly mined for its properties, it has many purposes in Thedas today. The dwarves have built a trade empire mining and selling the material across the entire continent because of its usage. This trade is the main reason why Tevinter and the dwarven kingdoms have such a close relationship.  

Lyrium is essentially a mana booster, able to strengthen one’s magical power beyond what anyone might naturally muster. When mixed into liquid and ingested, Lyrium allows mages to enter the Fade consciously.  No wonder the mages of the Imperium have such a secure trade of the substance.  

While mages combine Lyrium with spells and rituals. Templars ingest the substance to enhance their abilities at resisting and dispelling magic, while the dwarves and non-magic wielders use Lyrium to create magical runes and enchant items.  

Even the Qunari were intrigued by its usage and began experimenting with the properties of Lyrium to bulk up their own mages called “Saarebas.”  

In the current Dragon Age, Lyrium has become a beneficial and essential mineral for the majority of Thedas.  

As Lyrium exists in both the physical world and The Fade, the Chantry believes Lyrium to be the “emerald waters of the Fade, the very substance of creation itself.” While others call Lyrium a conductor that "bridges the gap between the dreamer’s world and the waking world” (WoT V1).

Whatever the truth is... There’s a lot beyond the surface regarding this powerful substance that the common Thedosian may never know.  

The dwarves call “Lyrium” - “Isana” which translates to “singing stone” (WoT V1).

This is because Lyrium is; in fact, a living substance, it’s said to be the very blood of the world-shaping Titans.  

According to; their children, the dwarves, the legendary, ancient beings sculpted the world. Their earthquakes are apparently their method of reshaping Thedas to their accord.  

It's impossible to describe in words how truly vast a Titan is. The one I met is so large you can only glimpse parts of it. I had wandered inside its body for who knows how long without even realizing it. I've heard tales of dragons and giants on the surface, but descriptions of their size do not compare to the Titan's.

Its blood now flows through me, and its song fills the gaps in our history. I close my eyes and see glimpses of the world that was, before everything changed and the dwarven race broke in two. Something caused the Titans to fall, and the fate of my people fell with them. The Titan wants me to know. No, more than that. It wants me to understand. There is a loneliness to its song.

Codex entry: Titans: Shaper Valta's personal journal.

Whether the Titans, or “Pillars of the Earth” created Thedas, and have since been dwelling since the beginning of creation itself is still a rather ambiguous mystery. However, based on codex entries, we can confirm that the Titans existed before the Veil was created.  

In actuality, before the Veil’s creation, the Kingdom of the Elvhen hunted and declared war against the Titans, stating their death will be a mercy and will make the earth blossom with their passing.

"In this place we prepare to hunt the pillars of the earth. Their workers scurry, witless, soulless. This death will be a mercy. We will make the earth blossom with their passing."

Mythal, All-mother of the Elven Pantheon struck down a Titan, as the people praised her name.  

"Hail Mythal, adjudicator and savior! She has struck down the pillars of the earth and rendered their demesne unto the People! Praise her name forever!" 

With the defeat of a Titan, the Ancient Elves discovered Lyrium from its body. The elves continued to fight with the Titans, mining their bodies for raw Lyrium and "something else" which has been made unclear.  

"The runes say the Evanuris fought the Titans. They mined their bodies for lyrium and... something else. It's not clear."

While I’m trying not to theorise and speculate, Cole once said: "They made bodies from the earth. And the earth was afraid. It fought back. But they made it forget."

Perhaps the Ancient Elvhen made Lyrium bodies from the Titan’s blood. Crafting strong, resilient vessels for the Evanuris and their people to inhabit. Continuing their savage hunt against the Titans.  

Thus, explaining the fall and disconnect of the Titans from their children, the dwarves. Justifying why the dwarven kingdom have grown disattached to their creators throughout the ages, and only now have begun to re-establish that connection once more.  

In any regard, the Titans were not completely silenced. They slumbered for years, and somewhere down the line, Red Lyrium came into existence. Perhaps caused by the Evanuris war, or perhaps self-inflicted by the Titans themselves, we don’t know. Red Lyrium’s origin is still a huge enigma... However, we do know that the spread of Red Lyrium has merely just begun.  

The red corrupted substance is a perverted form of raw Lyrium. Just like its predecessor, Red Lyrium is alive, it has a lifespring, and it grows and multiplies across Thedas. It too ties power between the waking world and the Fade.

To answer your question, my lord: yes, I have indeed heard of this "red lyrium" of which you speak. A single piece of it surfaced in the eastern city of Kirkwall, and its influence alone was nearly enough to cause the city's destruction. As near as we can determine, it is regular lyrium that has been somehow corrupted. Those who have touched red lyrium—or even come near it—report that it "sings" to them, like whispers in the mind that slowly drive them mad.

—From a partially burned letter by an unknown writer, affixed with the Grey Warden seal.

As discovered by Bianca Davri, Red Lyrium carries the blight, explaining its twisted form.  

Unlike regular lyrium which requires you to digest it in order for it to impact you. Red Lyrium corrupts everything it touches, being in close proximity to it will greatly affect you.  

Far more disturbing is the fact that lyrium could be corrupted at all. Treat any red lyrium you encounter as if it were poison. Do not go near it, do not attempt to destroy it... and most importantly, do not attempt to use it.

—From a partially burned letter by an unknown writer, affixed with the Grey Warden seal.

The substance is most unique, it can thin the Veil, allowing spirits and demons to interact with the real world. Prolonged exposure will change not only your mental outlook but your physical appearance too.  

It tends to leave people or animals in a mad-like state. They become paranoid, and see no reasoning for morality, as Bartrand sabotages his own brother Varric. Red Lyrium tends to consume the mind and take over. Much like the reasoning for the Red Templars in Inquisition, Red Lyrium is very deadly, and grows off of anything living.

We do not know, however, what might stem from extended contact with red lyrium. Madness, surely, but would there be a physical corruption as well? What would happen if a mage or a templar used red lyrium as they use regular lyrium?

—From a partially burned letter by an unknown writer, affixed with the Grey Warden seal.

Speaking more specifically on Red Lyrium’s growth - its corruption throughout the land has merely begun - and attempting to remove the mineral is likely a fruitless effort, as it will have already introduced itself into the food chain, which begets more corruption: as Red Lyrium effects all it touches, insects digest blighted soil, animals then digest the blighted insects, this will have a knock-on effect, more animals, plants and trees will become tainted by merely following their survival instincts until eventually the people of Thedas are infected by their own harvest.  

While a lot of the growth of Red Lyrium has been greatly caused by the hands of many Thedosian’s, a great deal of its development into the eco system is simply inevitable. It's merely a matter of days until a Ferelden Farmer has spoiled crops, an Orlesian Noble eats an infected nug, and a predator hunting its prey soon becomes blighted.  

And that’s not all that lingers for the future, Red Lyrium has plenty of involvement in many scenarios that awaits Thedas.  

The Titan’s connection

When Valta connected with a Titan, she felt pure, wasn’t afraid anymore, and could somehow survive without needing food or water, as if the Titan’s essence was her sole sustenance. The Titan connected with one of their children stopped the tremors throughout the land.

Valta established a longing connection with the dwarves supposed creators, as adult and child rekindled once more, Valta’s consciousness intertwined with the knowledge of the Titans. Vital information that would shake up the entirety of the dwarven kingdom’s foundation.  

With Valta’s connection, surely the Titan’s seek to find the rest of their children, becoming one once more.  

Red Lyrium Idol

The Red Lyrium Idol is still a mystery. This McGuffin was brought back in Tevinter Nights, instead of being destroyed when Meredith created her sword Certainty, it stayed within her statue-like corpse, preserved for a fair while.  

it’s been described as: “a couple hugging, too thin to be dwarves”, or “a god mourning their sacrifice.” However, disregarding what it supposedly looks like, this idol belongs to Solas. It’s his, and he wants it back, he has a purpose for it.  

Its current whereabouts have been set up for interpretation, we can assume the Idol is either with a noble’s son heading to war torn Tevinter, or Solas has indeed collected his long-lost possession after some time. Again, we can only assume at this point where it may be, and why Solas requires it.  

Red Lyrium Sarcophagus

In Dragon Age: Blue Wraith, the most recently released comic book roster, the comic cast uncover a Lyrium Sarcophagus, originally utilised for Fenris’s transformation into a “Blue Wraith”. The device infuses the occupant with Lyrium markings that grant the host with immense power like the ability to go through walls, and tear an enemy's heart out of their chest.  

Towards the end of Blue Wraith, we understand that the Venatori have this device and intend on willingly putting one of Fenris’s trusted friends through the device using Red Lyrium to make him a most formidable, unstoppable warrior.  

If successful, perhaps this practice may become common in Tevinter for the remaining Venatori and their elven slaves.

New clusters of Lyrium  

Discovered briefly in Tevinter Nights, The Horror Of Hormak, other colours and variations of Lyrium seemingly exist. A massive Lyrium crystal glowing yellow and green hung suspended deep within a lost dwarven thaig.  

Above it, a massive lyrium crystal hung suspended. It glowed with a sickly light, tinged with yellow and green. Streamers of energy flowed from it into the pool, sending it bubbling wherever it touched. (Horror Of Hormak, pg. 100).  

With more variations of Lyrium deep underground, perhaps we’ll begin to see different properties of this mineral, who knows, perhaps this could lead to other Titans waking up across Thedas.

Origin Of The Blight

And of course, we need to comprehend how the blight began. I attempting at looking at this plot thread, without going to deep into theory, but I do believe it has something to do with the Titan’s war between the Evanuris, because suddenly Red Lyrium pops into the picture and the Elven Pantheon are becoming mad with armour of the Void, turning against each other.  

Perhaps a Blighted Titan is the original source of the blight, as it reaches out for revenge against the Evanuris, attempting to establish a connection with their children once more, destroying everything else in its path...

So many mysteries, and so much to go on for the future of Dragon Age!  That is it for my first entry in this Road To Dragon Age 4 series, let me know what you thought of it, and tell me your potential theories for the future Dragon Age narrative.  

[anhed-nia]

BLOGTOBER 10/8/2020: PELICAN BLOOD (2019)

If you are reading this and the present date is between October 8 and 11 of 2020, please consider buying a virtual ticket to see Katrin Gebbe’s PELICAN BLOOD, available on demand through the Nightstream festival:

https://watch.eventive.org/nightstream/play/5f6e7e78d6a9bf0036613fa3

I am about to discuss this movie and its conclusion in great detail, but it would be much better for a person to come to it in innocence--not because it’s so reliant on anything as gauche as surprise, but because it is so thoroughly excellent that wading through a movie review first would be like letting your dinner grow cold. And, it simply deserves our support.

When I saw PELICAN BLOOD last year at Fantastic Fest, it became one of my favorite movies before it was even over. I might admit that this was sort of a match made in heaven, as this movie checks almost every one of my personal boxes, but I don’t think my assessment of its value is a simple matter of personal prejudice. I’ve been haunted by it all these months, and deeply worried that somehow I might never see it again. When I discovered that it had landed on Nightstream, I was over the moon.

This is writer-director Katrin Gebbe's second feature, a fact that will astonish you when you see it. Last Blogtober, I wrote about her first feature TORE TANZT, which has the troubling english title NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN. That intense indie drama concerns a born-again christian punk who wishes for an opportunity to prove his devotion to god, and finds it in the form of a family that invites him in off the streets, and then proceeds to torture him. That's an oversimplification of what actually occurs, but it is a film that's hard to be brief about. It's cheap and a little rough around the edges, but it is deliberate, intense, and difficult to forget. (In fact it's supposed to be based on a true story, although I haven't managed to pick up that trail) When I first saw it, it certainly made me wonder what else that director might be up to, and I was astounded when I found out. 2019's PELICAN BLOOD emerged six years after TORE TANZT, with little in between besides a television episode and a segment in the anthology THE FIELD GUIDE TO EVIL, and yet Gebbe's artistic evolution is dumbfounding. Her themes are all unmistakably present--faith versus doubt, mystical versus metaphorical experience, and physical martyrdom--but exploded into a grand, elegant psychodrama that holds the viewer captive every minute of its two hours.

Celebrated german actress Nina Hoss plays Wiebke, a stable owner who trains police horses to tolerate the frightening conditions of a riot. She lives at the edge of her pasture, raising her tween daughter Nicolina (Adelia-Constance Giovanni Ocleppo) on her own. Wiebke has a talent for healing the wounded, or perhaps it's more of a calling; she raised Nicolina, a bulgarian orphan, into a bright, balanced, emotionally available tomboy, and the two of them joyfully anticipate the arrival of Nicolina's new adoptive sister. When little Raya arrives (Katerina Lipovska), she first presents as sweet, even solicitous, needing only a mother's love to fully bloom. However, as soon as she determines that she is welcome and wanted, she undergoes a disturbing transformation into a violent and unpredictable creature, possessed by an abject hatred. Wiebke recognizes that her new child is seriously traumatized, which activates her sense of purpose, and she pledges herself fully to the child's recovery--despite the admonishments of Raya's daycare, her doctors, and virtually everyone around them, that the little girl is beyond all but clinical help, and even that promises no guarantee of salvation. Refusing to give up, Wiebke makes a series of increasingly dangerous personal sacrifices in Raya's name, until finally she finds herself at the doorway to what some consider another world, but what is to others only madness.

Gebbe won Best Director in the main competition at Fantastic Fest, and it would have been a crime if this were otherwise. Her control over what are essentially forces of nature is humbling. Extracting a profoundly moving drama from a cast of adult actors is challenging enough on its own, but to get these terrifyingly convincing performances from children, evoking deep trauma and physical violence to self and others, is another level. As if this weren't enough, Gebbe adds animals into the mix, giving the story of Raya a parallel in the troubled career of a police horse who is considered a lost cause by all but Wiebke. The training scenes in which Wiebke guides the volatile animal through fire and smoke, while her own lifeforce is being progressively depleted by her new child, are as harrowing as anything having to do with parenthood, and Wiebke seems to take the horse just as seriously as her child. Friendly single dad Benedikt (Murathan Muslu) tries to flirt with the trainer by remarking on her unusual career, but she spits bitterly, "The horses are not the problem," giving us a glimpse of the philosophy that drives her.

Another of my favorite german films is Werner Herzog's 1976 short NO ONE WILL PLAY WITH ME. This funny and poignant story involves a bullied and neglected little boy, and it is preceded by a card displaying the adage "There are no bad children, only bad parents." This is the principle that drives Wiebke in work and life: Those who are seen as failures, have been failed by others. One has the sense that Wiebke sees herself in these wretches. She has no partner, and balks at questions about her relationship history, shying from physical affection even with people she knows and likes. A tell-tale scar graces one cheekbone; when she finally begins to welcome the benign Benedikt's advances, he strokes it instead of kissing her, acknowledging that he can see who she really is.

Wiebke tries to extend this same empathy toward Raya, refusing to let the child bait her into wrath and rejection. However, this show of pure faith and tolerance does not work, and the right approach becomes less clear as Raya begins to blame her mounting acts of vandalism, arson and assault on an evil entity that controls her will. A psychiatrist aprises Wiebke that this is the "magic period", in which the child uses magical thinking to divert feelings of guilt and responsibility. But, after a fashion, Wiebke begins to sense this malevolent presence as well. Is this etheric intrusion real? Or is she beginning to empathize with the child--with the experience of grappling with a damaged part of yourself--to the point of dissolving boundaries?

The title of the movie refers to a fable about a pelican whose chicks die, and she resurrects them by feeding them her own blood. This is a clear metaphor for Wiebke's trial with Raya, that becomes shockingly literal when, after endangering her home and relationships by prioritizing the new child, Wiebke places her own health on the line by taking an unregulated drug to give herself a bizarre advantage. When Wiebke discovers the shocking nature of Raya's original trauma, she experiments with the radical idea of treating the girl like a little baby, hoping to start from square one with her capacity to be mothered, and in the service of this dreadful proposition, Wiebke starts taking a lactation-inducing pill that proves to be an immediate risk to her health, and puts her in an even more perilous position with Raya.

Although it focuses on a preternaturally devoted mother, PELICAN BLOOD recalls what makes movies like HEREDITARY and WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN so potent. We have the idea that in becoming parents, we are perpetuating our own essence, extending our history and celebrating the precious connection of blood, which is supposed to impart an automatic same-ness. Unfortunately, this only shakes out to arrogance for many, denying the quirks of psychology, chemistry, and the unique impact of trauma--even if minor, or explainable as something benign--on a mind too young to fully comprehend the nature of the experience. Even without abuse in the home, anyone can have a child less like themselves than they could have ever imagined, for reasons beyond their own control. In all this, the child is innocent, and it is the duty of the parent to prioritize the child's feelings, over the vanity of wanting an heir to your own best qualities. Wiebke sacrifices not only her vanity, but potentially her very life, to show Raya love. When this blood sacrifice does not work, Wiebke finds herself facing the realm of alternative belief as a last resort.

The introduction of PELICAN BLOOD's folk horror element can seem a little left field, if you haven't noted the clues scattered throughout the film. Before the revelation of Raya's boogeyman, Wiebke begins to discover evidence of an old pagan tradition still being practiced around her proverbial neck of the woods. Soon, she tentatively entrusts herself and her child to a local witch, who puts them through a harrowing exorcism. Though the process is uncertain at first, its impact forces Wiebke into a direct acknowledgment of the entity harassing her daughter. And ultimately, it awakens in Raya a capacity for love.

While the reality of the supernatural in PELICAN BLOOD remains in question, I think the effect of this ambiguity is specifically meaningful. I usually scoff at any type of "was it all a dream?" nonsense, as this is a tactic employed by directors who think their greatest accomplishment should be getting one over on the audience. I don't see any inherent value in simply reversing the apparent meaning of things, just to make people feel stupid--and worse, this has trained modern audiences to try to defensively predict the least likely ending to any story, instead of just engaging with it emotionally as it plays out. For this reality-bending trick to be worth anything, one must be able to answer questions like, IF this was all a dream, THEN what meaning is added to the story?

In PELICAN BLOOD, the unresolved question of whether magic is real is of great relevance to the whole concept of belief. Human beings crave extranormal experience; we're deeply attracted to tales of ghosts, UFOs, mythical creatures, and parapsychological abilities. Even the skeptics among us enjoy arguing about these things, and many regular folks without eccentric interests read their horoscope "just for fun". Most telling of all is the enduring popularity of stories about the strange and unusual, which require no particular belief system from the audience; the fantasy of this extra dimension to our mundane lives is just so satisfying. Despite all the pleasure we get from these ideas, though, we tend to cling first and foremost to objective truth; we tell ourselves that if there is no "proof", then an outrageous thing cannot exist. But, this is actually contrary to many of our lived experiences. On the basest level, we delight at videos of insane parkour stunts, at the same time that we say these guys are "like" superheroes, but are actually just guys. My question is, what's the difference? If a person can achieve physical feats that most of us can never imagine attempting, then what difference does it make that this person was not bitten by a radioactive spider? If a fortune teller in a carnival is so good at "cold reading" strangers that she gives the effect of being able to read minds, then what is the appreciable difference between a carny and a "real psychic"? If a faith healer "just convinces" someone to become free from a chronic ailment, and the patient goes on to live a happier life, who cares if no "real magic" was in evidence? What is the difference between exorcism and hypnosis, if the end result is the same for a seriously disturbed child and her mother? The only difference appears to be some material confirmation of specific mystical forces and substances--which, admittedly, would be exciting on its own--but this would still only be an alternative version of the events that led up to the same "miraculous" result. We only worry about the existence of God and magic because our definitions of these things tend to be limited to what we think of as literal and scientific. But, if the correct effects manifest themselves, then all that is purely cosmetic. Belief is real. Faith works.

[crqstalite]

damn, things get really fuckin’ dark if you let them in knights. basically a disorganized essay with no theme, rhyme, reason or even real thesis on why the dark outlander can quickly turn the expansions into an absolute clusterfuck.

obviously, spoilers below the cut.

as i assume most of you know, i played a light leaning neutral warrior (mellena) through knight-forward first. the main cast stayed the same throughout, koth, senya, arcann, theron, lana and so on. theron was still alive at the end of onslaught, arcann and senya were still alive and so was koth. mellena was a peacekeeper of the galaxy. she romanced theron, mostly everyone was happy with her. she was good with zakuulans, assisted the republic during iokath and sabotaged the empire for them while placing the blame on the other darths and effectively destroying the new dark council from within.

but a dark sided outlander? holy fuck i wasn’t ready for what could happen and what did happen.

THE ISSUE WITH KOTH.

koth fuckin’ up and LEAVES with the gravestone (chapter sixteen, battle of odessen) if you let too many zakuulans die and have less concern for them than he does. there are a few main decisions you have to make to get him angry with you, the first being in chapter three, outlander, if you let the generator blow in favor of your own life, chapter four, the gravestone if you kill the exiles, and anarchy in paradise (i reference this chapter a lot in this section) if you blow yet another generator. once you do most of these, specifically the last one, you’re locked in to lose koth for the rest of the game.

he shows up again during wrath and ruin for voss, then leaves, then appears again in dark reunions when he needs help with vaylin and scorpio on the gravestone. he later leaves even if you offer him to stay, making a remark about it being better for the alliance if he just disappeared. 

here’s the issue that i have with koth’s character in respect to his relationships with other characters.

tora and the rest of the crew that was acquired on asylum. obviously they knew him longer than anyone else, but tora says this after he leaves in chapter ten, anarchy in paradise, ‘we’re with you. as captains go, koth wasn’t a complete hutt-stain, but you provide a steady paycheck and nice toys.’ tora’s obviously just a tad gung-ho about everything, but even len doesn’t mention anything to you about it later down the line. they aren’t even angry with you for letting their captain go. i know relationships are tough but jesus christ i thought they’d be angrier with me.

theron and koth didn’t have much history outside of meeting in chapter nine, the alliance but you can just as easily turn theron against him (i’ll get to the corresponding exchange during chapter four of kotet, where dreams die). wasn’t surprising, i figured it wouldn’t be. can’t be mad over someone you did even know. theron’s being held hostage when the gravestone as being stolen and is dropped off on odessen before koth leaves, and that you can’t blame the man at the end of your excursion on zakuul after chapter ten. no harm done here, and personally i didn’t care much for theron on khaak’s runthrough.

the exchange mentioned earlier with theron and koth here during chapter four, where dreams die. to set the scene, you’ve just found theron and koth after a disorienting trip on iokath, halfway through you found torian. torian says, ‘what’s the traitor doing here?’ in reference to koth. theron answers, ‘he picked up my holo-signal to the others and i let him in, against my better judgement. told him if he moves he’s dead.’

that isn’t even it. i figured theron would be more forgiving, even chastise me for being rude to him earlier, but instead he threatens the man.

koth answers with something along the lines of wanting to help, and khaak answered, ‘you’ve “helped” enough, koth. you had your chance to be a hero’. theron follows up with, ‘the only reason you’re here is so you won’t cause more trouble out there. don’t push it.’

but lana and koth do have history, in fact they reference it quite a bit in chapter three, outlander,  and you can turn her against him rather easily too. i can’t pick out any memories of her being particularily upset about koth’s leaving or your actions leading up to it and after it. i know the excuse here is that she’s pragmatic and not emotional, but there’s an underlying issue here that needs to be talked about. 

khaak romanced lana, hardcore went sith wife with her. which i can figure was helping along an emotional dilemma for lana. on one hand, she had ties to koth for helping her find khaak, and seemed to respect him for it and enjoy his company. on another hand, she has ties to khaak for being her girlfriend, and subsequently the alliance commander who she’s known for years upon years longer than knowing vortena. she has no ties to zakuul other than through koth, and doesn’t even really bat an eye when the outlander blows the generator in the city. she is imperial, first and foremost, though most literally follows you to the end of the galaxy no matter what you do. in battle of odessen (if you shot down senya and arcann), she responds to theron’s ‘guess i’m glad you’re showing some remorse’ with ‘senya made her choice. she betrayed us, just as koth did. but right now we have more pressing concerns.’

another note here is that khaak did let the generator overload in chapter three (lana even approved of the decision to let it blow and have them escape first, i think saying ‘we can’t save everyone’), and because of one little decision for lana in chapter five, from the grave, (i’ll talk about this at a later date and why it was stupid) asylum was damaged because of valkorion’s power. i won’t say i don’t understand why he left, he thinks you’re supporting the other factions more than zakuul, but koth doesn’t even attempt to talk to you or understand your reasoning before taking off. i guess in an angry moment like that, he can’t, and bioware didn’t develop his character enough to do so effectively. (that i’ll also talk about at another date).

there is an exchange in the following expansion that my heart definitely cracked over though, and deals with another issue i have with koth.

setting the scene, the outlander and lana find koth on the gravestone during dark reunions. khaak was civil enough with him, agreeing to help to disable the bombs koth put on the ship (yet another issue i’ll talk about later). koth sadly says lana’s name after this agreement, before she responds, “there’s nothing left between us” and stomps off into the gravestone. that leaves the commander and koth alone, and if you romanced her (like i did with khaak), he says this, “you’ll be good to her, right?” [this entire scene is pictured above]

khaak responded “lana means everything to me.” which prompts koth to answer, “that’s all i needed to hear”. which leads me to believe that they definitely were together at some point, before one of the two decided something wasn’t working and acted accordingly. a personal headcanon of mine, but it still shocks me lana was so quick to brush off the man she’d worked with for canonically the last five years to get you out. a lot of people speculate it wasn’t a serious romance if there was one, especially if the pc romanced lana before kotfe. no matter what, i figured koth would come first and was bracing for the scolding to come from lana at some point, but it never came. she essentially didn’t care, and was either more concerned about her current lover or the alliance. that’s some hardcore bullshit if i’m being honest, but i also wasn’t raised sith so i digress.

you do also apparently have the choice to kill koth in that chapter. i didn’t take that option (falls under the ‘hey wait this is really dark, stop’; another issue i’ll talk about later), but i am curious what would’ve occurred if i had.

personally, i think if koth was treated the same as lana and theron, given more flirt options, more character development and not disappearing after hearts and minds to fuck off to zakuul, he would’ve been a great character and a lot more appreciated by the fandom. his actions did have deeper meanings, and though most see him as little more than a self-absorbed douche obsessed with zakuul, zakuul, zakuul, i don’t hate his character. obviously i do still have issues with koth in general, his personality grinded the gears of both my warrior and smuggler respectively. given he’s never known anything but zakuul, but at least lana and theron are sympathetic to the opposing factions.

i’m not saying lana didn’t have the right to act the way she did, but there has to be a hardened part of her heart against a dark side outlander for pushing him away.

THE ISSUE WITH ARCANN AND SENYA.

playing with mellena, she got beat around by arcann for an expansion but did forgive him eventually and accepted him into the alliance. she kept senya as well, though she technically betrayed her in battle of odessen. all light side options.

now, this is where things get morally ambiguous. a grey area, if you will. arcann has only ever known zakuul, ever. he doesn’t know about the outlands that you came from, and only was ever taught how to act by valkorian. he’s angry with you for essentially taking his father’s power when it should’ve been his after years of being by his side and doing everything he can to be worthy. of course he’s violently hunting you down because of it. yes, he tries to kill you multiple times. is this excusable? for his background, it is. he doesn’t know better.

senya really believes her son can be redeemed, and on a light side run, he can be. but without knowing this, lana’s concern of ‘extermination is safer. the alliance can’t risk war against both of valkorion’s spawn’ during wrath and ruin seems like it is a good idea. with how the gravestone was stolen from out under your nose (dark side in the previous expansion with koth), any sane commander would cut their losses and go anyways. murdering arcann before he can stab you again is the best idea than assuming voss (which depending upon your actions on their planet years prior, good or bad) will be able to heal a tyrant, especially during the literal destruction of voss-ka.

senya’s death was painful. it really was. but to even attempt to kill arcann in his current state, you’re forced to. mandalorians are also sacrificed in this fight when the commander sends them after the tiralls (though never mentioned by torian surprisingly enough). however, it isn’t really you she wants to kill. it’s valkorion, and she’s acting under the idea that it’s him causing you to do these things, and by killing you, she’ll be rid of him and will be able to escape with her son. valkorion has a touching moment with her before her death, and the line she says before being killed is extremely sad.

‘you are truly the daughter valkorion always wanted.’

personally i hadn’t expected it, it may just be a sentence but i holds so much power. senya believed in you at one point or another, but by saying this, she’s literally giving you her parting words. she trusted you, and you betrayed her. but both expansions and even some of the vanilla game are all about vitiate anyways, and senya wants justice for what happened to her children. with your violent actions in line with things valkorion would do, it’s understandable why senya would associate you with being his daughter. still, that hurt in a way it really shouldn’t have.

arcann’s death was even more painful, really. he even tries to ally with vaylin to take down the outlander that killed his mother. even though she’d been gone out of his life for the longest time, it haunts him. it hurt him, and he’s determined to kill you for doing so. with the relationship he and senya can have if you let him live, he’s justified because he was half healed by the voss. knowing his mother died pushed him over the edge, hence why he’s out to kill you.

arcann sees his father for the last time before his death, and his strength is absorbed by you in a way that lana compares to how valkorion had done so with you years earlier.

in the end, senya and arcann are misunderstood by the dark sided outlander. khaak’s reasoning extends past vitiate, the eternal empire and everything else, but just a dark sided outlander with no past does stand to gain a lot by killing the tiralls. senya, because she stands in your way if you kill arcann and honestly continues to badger you for not considering the zakuulans (chapter twelve, visions in the dark when you consider sending kaliyo in to follow aric and havoc squad in the spire) , and arcann by having him out of your way and not plotting in the shadows.

neither character, like koth, is inherently bad. in fact these two are (beyond lana and theron) my favorite characters. their stories are engaging and exciting, and even vaylin’s fascinated me to no end. they are purely zakuulan, and with such a fractured family there has to be stories there that no one expected.

the reason they act the way they do is because they’re out of their element, koth in the outlands for the first time over the course of five years and still trying to protect his people, senya for wanting only to protect her children after the war with the republic and empire begins, and arcann for only wanting his father’s validation. all three characters did need more fleshing out for them to be more effective. senya was done well, with some missing elements. arcann needed to have more story behind him than just ‘im valkorion’s kid and im trying to kill you because you took his power instead of me raaaa’ and ‘oh i was reedeemed. guess i’m cool with you now.’ even his romance path doesn’t reveal much about him. you really have to stretch the story to even comprehend his personality, and wading through the fandom, it isn’t agreed upon just how old he and senya are, nor what his life was like in between cinematics.

THE ISSUE WITH IOKATH.

iokath (war on iokath, patch 5.2 that is, yes the little half an hour patch not the two chapter excursion in knights) isn’t particularily bad. in fact i thought i was a nice addition (also probably because i played it nearly two years after it was released and didn’t have to wait another couple months for the traitor arc), especially for a warrior and trooper to reunite with dorne or quinn. it can be emotional for characters that knew them or even romanced them. mellena had a reunion with quinn that was rather unhappy, but fit well for both characters. thank you bioware.

it does fall flat for someone like khaak, with no relations to either character, but it’s who you ally with that can really get you. khaak turned her back on the republic to ally with the empire (depending on a character’s story, someone who fought for the republic beforehand or didn’t, this can be a very tough decision), and there are quite a few places where you can hammer it home for theron that you’re fighting against his father. and the codex doesn’t help with your guilt either.

“Theron was born from the love affair between two Republic heroes: Jedi Knight Satele Shan and Republic Captain Jace Malcom. Their romance was short-lived, and Satele only discovered her pregnancy after the two parted ways. She kept the child a secret and gave birth in hiding. Though Satele wanted nothing more than to care for her newborn son, she had to uphold her duty to the Jedi Order. She surrendered Theron to the care of her Jedi Master--Ngani Zho--to continue serving the Republic. Theron was briefly raised as a Jedi, but the older he grew, the more obvious it became that he was not Force-sensitive. He ultimately left the Jedi Order and joined the Republic Strategic Information Service. Theron excelled in his covert work as a spy, and finally met Jace Malcom and learned that he was his father. They worked together on Operation End Game and parted on good terms. In the following years, they shared the occasional father-son meeting, but struggled to grow close. Though the meetings were awkward, Theron always felt a fondness for his father--a feeling he never had for his mother, who he felt abandoned him for the good of the Republic. Theron's relationship with Malcom reached a breaking point when he left the Republic to help found the Alliance. Malcom saw this as a betrayal, but Theron refused to bow to the Eternal Empire's oppressive army. Harsh words were exchanged during their last holocall several years ago. They haven't spoken since.” - SWTOR Codex, Theron Shan: The Secret Son

the codex really hammers home that you’ve turned a son against a father. theron had never been close to his father, but by doing this, you’ve only fractured it further. and yes, you. theron only left the republic because he was helping you found the alliance, and turned his back on his father as well.

personally, i thought this was so bad i couldn’t even bring khaak to respond how she would’ve, which would’ve been to tell someone to cut their losses and leave. that’s how painful this scene between theron and his father ended up being, and theron even screams an emotional ‘father!’ after the throne fries him, the first real father-son interaction he and theron even have. malcom even asks theron to tell his mother he was sorry before dying. khaak couldn’t do much but literally just give him a moment with his thoughts. troy baker did so well in this scene, his voice shaking as it actually sounds like he was choked up. definitely a tear-jerker.

however, it also sets up crisis on umbara extremely well, considering your outlander was the one who allied with the empire and essentially killed his father by pushing him to get the superweapon without knowing much about it. unlike the light side route (which is much more a facade on theron’s part because he has no ill will towards you, in fact probably respects you more because you did ally with the republic), the dark side route is much more believable. you are the empress, though you said you’d fight for peace and are instead violently quelling rebellion on zakuul against your rule. whether theron thinks that far ahead, of course he’ll be angry with you for it. you’re most literally a person he swore to protect the galaxy against, and you screwed it up. now he left the republic and his father for an extinguished dream. he’s allied with the faction he once fought against, all because of you. maybe his betrayal is only to gather intel on the order, but he definitely doesn’t have remorse for you at some point.

to be continued with everything after the traitor arc :)

[girlinthepictureframe]

The Briefest Kiss Part 5

Part 5

“Miles,” said Alex with an uncharacteristic level of annoyance in his voice, “I told you, we’ll be in France all week. Bloody stay at my place, will you? You’ve got the key, there’s food in the fridge and you’ll have plenty of space and time to sign all those CDs and prepare for the release.”

“Alright,” Miles gave in. “I’ll stay there. Thanks, Al. I just want to make sure I’m not getting in the way of things.”

“In the way of what things? Since when do you ask these kinds of questions?” It wasn’t the first time that Miles had made remarks in complete seriousness that, two years ago, he’d have found ridiculously silly and laughable. When had they ever worried about being in each other’s ways?  

“Forget it,” grumbled Miles. “I just need a new place. Soon.”  

Alex understood that Miles was trying to change the topic, and because he didn’t want this conversation to end in a fight, he let him. It was rare enough to get him on the phone these days and he didn’t want this to become a discussion about something that he found stupid to begin with. “Do that, get a new place! How can you even get sleep with those awfully loud neighbours?”

“I’m in no position to complain,” countered Miles. “The last neighbours moved out because I always play guitar at night!”

Alex chuckled. “You’re supposed to sleep at night.”

“Oh yeah? Is that what you’re doing at night?”

“It doesn’t matter what I do at night. I don’t have any immediate neighbours who could take offense,” pointed Alex out, adding, “you should consider getting a house, Mi. That way you’d finally have room for all those shoes and guitars!”

Alex smiled when he heard Miles laughing on the other end. “I’ll consider it,” said his friend. After a moment of silence, Miles spoke again. “Hey, about the other night, sorry I didn’t go out with you. I wasn’t feeling it. But we definitely need to meet up again. It’s been ages since we had a proper night out.”

“Definitely,” agreed Alex and nodded, even though he knew Miles couldn’t see. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re pissed at me for some reason. It’s been over two months since we last saw each other.” It might not seem like a lot of time, but for them it was. “And when you were here, you barely even spent an hour. I know you’re busy, Miles. But when did you become too busy for me?” He was only half-joking. Sometimes it felt as though their friendship had taken a hit along the road, but no matter how often he checked, he could never spot the damage, only knew that it was there, hiding beneath the surface. If he had to describe it to a mechanic, all he’d be able to say is that it feels different.  

“I’m not too busy,” objected Miles, his voice heavy with regret. “I don’t know what’s going on. I feel like I’m in bit of a funk at the moment.”

Alex wished he was with him just then. He didn’t like conversations via telephone. He preferred looking people in the eyes while speaking to them. It made it easier to read emotions. And he desperately wanted to read Miles’ emotions. He sounded as lost and as confused as he himself felt too often these days. “You have to tell me if I did something wrong. You know me, Mi. I don’t always get it when I say something stupid.”

“It’s not you,” said Miles reassuringly.  

But Alex knew his friend, he could tell when Miles was being deliberately ambiguous, and, clearly, there was something that Miles was not saying. They needed to meet. It was the only way he could press him for answers. “Come to France. The weather is nice, we can hang out and I’ll leave you plenty of space to prepare all your shit for the tour, I promise. I’m sure Taylor would love to see you as well!”

“No, she wouldn’t.”

Alex sighed at Miles’ matter-of-fact statement. ���It’s been months. How long do you want to drag this out?” And, also, what, precisely, were they dragging out? It was the one thing that Taylor and Miles deliberately kept from him. Sometime last year, the two of them had a big argument. He’d only overheard the tail end of it and knew it was about Miles’ break-up with Hannah. When he went and asked, first Miles, then Taylor, for details, they had both kept quiet about it. It annoyed him greatly that he didn’t know the whole story. He’d like to fix it but how could he fix it if he didn’t know where to begin!

“She’s your girlfriend, not mine. No need to make things right.” Miles went quiet and Alex waited patiently. “Al...I gotta go. I’ll call soon.” Then he hung up.

Alex couldn’t believe it; he stared at the phone in shock. This might very possibly be the first time that Miles hung up on him. “Bloody hell!?”

“You’re okay?”  

Turning around, he found Taylor leaning behind him against the kitchen counter. Alex shook his head. “No. Just talked to Miles. Something is going on with him, I just know.”

She shrugged and turned around. “Who cares?”

“I do!” said Alex quickly and resolutely. “I’m worried about my friend. I’m worried about my friendship with Miles! I’d like to think you care a little about that.”  

She spun back around and found him staring at her with a mixture of expectation and accusation. “Here’s what I would like,” said Taylor bitterly. “I’d like to think you worry about our relationship.”

Alex sat down, his eyes darted away from her and his demeanour took on a far darker shade. “I wasn’t aware I needed to worry about us.”  

“If you paid a little less attention to Miles and a little more attention to me, you’d be aware,” she all but snapped, clearly trying to contain her anger.  

Alex could tell, because he was trying to do the same. Both were doing that a lot, lately. Every dialogue between them was never more than one or two poorly chosen words away from erupting into a fight. It was a never-ending walk across a high wire. “How about a change for once,” he suggested, fed up with this perpetual undercurrent of unresolved tension, “let’s actually talk about this. Tell me why you’re so fucking mad at Miles that you can’t stand the thought of him and I being friends! It never bothered you before.”

“You’ve never kissed before.”

And there it was. His entire body tensed up. They were back to that, apparently. Alex groaned as he drove his fingers through his hair. “I thought we were over that.”  

That. The stupid, bloody kiss. The one that kept haunting his dreams more often than it should. The one that was the reason why he now locked the door to his recording studio, lyrics and notes inside. “We discussed this, Taylor. It was one silly kiss, two years ago. I meant nothing. We were drunk. That’s all.”

“I would appreciate it if you stopped calling that fucking kiss ‘silly’.” Taylor crossed her arms, staring at him angrily, reminding him, “you wrote a fucking song about that kiss!”  

What a big mistake that had been, thought Alex resentfully. But, as always, he hadn’t been able to help himself. That damned kiss occupied so much bloody space in his head that he had needed to literally write it out of there.  

‘And in response to what you whispered in my ear, I must admit sometimes I fantasise about you, too’

In its original form, the song had included a bit about a kiss. Last year, as he had been sitting at the piano, trying to find the right arrangement, she’d sat down next to him, had leaned in, and had asked, “what did I whisper?”

And he, dumb idiot that he was at times, had been so lost in his thoughts that he had promptly replied, “not you. Him.” After that, his life, complicated though it was already, had become considerably less comfortable. For the rest of the day, she had continued asking question after question, relentlessly pushing for explanations that he couldn’t give. He had only been able to take so much and after four long hours of artfully avoiding giving any sort of actual answer, he had snapped and blurted out, “Miles kissed me and, yes, I fucking liked it!”  

He guessed he should be grateful she was still with him. After all, Hannah had broken up with Miles over the whole thing. Sure, he’d told Taylor that wasn’t the reason. But who was he kidding? They all knew it was the very reason. Maybe not the only one. But it was the deciding one.  

Taylor took a step towards him, kissed his head and tilted his chin up with one finger. “Alex, I love you. And I know you love me. But maybe you need some distance from Miles? He’s busy right now, anyways. And you’re about to go on tour as well. Let’s take a vacation together. Let’s see a bit of the world. You’ve always wanted to go to India. We could do that before you’re off with the band?”

Oh, he wanted to go to India, alright. He had read much about that country. About the culture. About everything, really. And he couldn’t wait to see it with his own eyes. But it wasn’t Taylor he wanted standing next to him when he got there. Not that he could tell her that. “Babe, the timing isn’t right. Not now.”

“But you agree about needing some distance from Miles?”

“No. I barely see him as it is and once touring starts, we’ll see even less of each other. He is a very big, very important part of my life.”

“Yes,” she muttered in resignation. “And we’ve got the lyrics to prove that, don’t we?”

“I hate when you do that!”

“You do?”

She was pissing him off and he was beginning to think she was doing it on purpose. Which, in return, riled him up more and more. “You told me you made out with some girl backstage while Miles and I were playing in New York. I really don’t think you should be sitting on such a fucking high horse right now!”

“We were fucking joking around, it didn’t mean anything,” she all but yelled. “I didn’t write a fucking love song about her!”

“It’s not a love song!” As she glowered at him, he began pacing the kitchen angrily. “A love song is what I wrote for you, Tennessee, remember?”

Taylor slumped back against a wall, deflated and tired. “You want to know the difference between my song and his song? My song is everything a good love song should be. It’s passionate, it’s sexy, it’s got the rights words to it. It’s perfect. And it’s perfect because you’re Alex Fucking Turner and when you decided to write me a love song, naturally, you wrote the perfect song with the perfect words and the perfect arrangement and you wrote it so that everyone knows how fucking good of a songwriter you are!”

“Is that a compliment or a bloody insult?” He asked indignantly.

“Mine is the romantic tale that you want the world to know. His is the deepest truth that you desperately try to keep a secret.” A bitter laugh broke free from her lips. “Tell me, Mr. Songwriter Extraordinaire, which song would you like to have written about you?”  

Alex didn’t answer. He wasn’t entirely sure she wanted an answer. He wasn’t entirely sure he was ready to make up his answer. And, also, he wasn’t entirely sure that, at this point, an answer would make any kind of difference.  

“Out of words. Imagine that,” said Taylor and left the kitchen.  

[ardenttheories]

Pesterquest Volume 7 notes, all locked under the cut as usual. As a side note, I once a fucking gain didn’t get my achievement for completing the Route, this time Terezi’s, so. Fuck me, I guess.

EQUIUS

Reader’s remembering more without truly remembering it now. The trees, garden, caves, and mall were some of the “most recent” places they’ve been to in Friendsim. 

Oh. Reader’s home is the shitty little crumbling building they stayed in during the events of Friendsim. I don’t know what’s sadder; that they still don’t know who they are enough to know where home is, or that everything they know about themself is centred around Friendsim - the events of which they still don’t remember. 

The bitterness they feel at that is sad. They really don’t have a home outside of that, huh?

“You freeze like an anime protagonist” - hm. HM. I don’t trust like that. 

Equius freaking out at the sight of Reader and actively trying to NOT punch them is sweet. Also, funny as hell.

Oh. That’s. That’s a lot more horse than I was expecting.

AURTHOUR. MY GOD YOU LOOK A LOT BETTER LIKE THIS. Although, nice hint to the theory that Reader is a lusus-like being, with the Reader comparing themself to Aurthour. 

Did Equius just fucking growl? This poor fucking idiot doesn’t know how to react to Reader’s non-apparent bloodcaste. You fucking himbo just relax.

Of course they made the fucking “there are two wolves inside you” meme about horses and Equius wanting to get yelled at/yell at

How to befriend Equius: like milk and horses, because apparently that makes you High Status, and not just a very lonely idiot who’s so stuck up his own ass about the Hemospectrum that he can’t see the people around him through the bullshit.

Equius has a lot of gamer shit? Interesting. 

Two points:

Reader’s typing style is so fucking cute, and this is the first time I think we’ve seen them type proper. This seems significant. Like, they’ve got a voice now, and it’s distinctive and them and not us. Looks like they might be taking control a little?

Additionally, we just got to see Karkat’s Knight of Blood powers at work; essentially enforcing that Equius befriend Reader and complete the Bonds that they’re trying to desperately to set up, while also allowing Equius someone to be “real” with by stating that Reader exists outside of the Hemospectrum. It’s also just really sweet to see Karkat talking about Reader like that. 

Equius really just. Doesn’t know how social interactions work. I think he relies on the Hemospectrum to explain shit for him, because he seems genuinely uncomfortable with the idea that there’s no formula to follow. Especially since he’s giving that power to Reader - that says a lot about how out of his depth he is. Even the dumbass little “I command it” is funny. He’s so out of his depth and he’s trying to pretend that he knows what he’s doing still. 

Equius doesn’t have it in him to actually kill people, which is genuinely sweet but also says a lot about why he’s so conflicted with the Hemospectrum. He’s really not cut out to be a Highblood the way it says he should be. 

Oh. Oh my god, he’s so excited to see Nepeta. He was shaking with excitement at the prospect of being able to see her. 

OH NO HE COULDN’T GO. But how interesting. “Stop trying to skip ahead”. So why did that work with Gamzee (albeit Karkat then chickened out)? Because we never actually saw Gamzee, and it’d probably work with Nepeta? 

The text wasn’t coloured but I’m curious if this is Dirk now. Doc Scratch sure as fuck doesn’t swear like that, and as far as I’m aware he’s the only one with narrative control within the main canon/fanon, besides Alternate Calliope. The fact that the thing is trying to keep everything to a strict plot would definitely suggest it. Though if Dirk is T-Posing in a hallway on the Theseus just to talk to Reader, I’m going to flip off the handle. 

Equius knowing what narrative control is just threw me through a fucking loop, but I’ll play along. Lets pretend that actually makes some sort of sense, because either he figured it out in that short moment without even knowing what Retconning is or why they were being blocked, or he just. Knows. Which, I suppose as an Heir of Void he might? He inherits Secrets and the Unknown - so maybe him knowing isn’t so odd at all.

Confirmation that Equius doesn’t know how to act outside of a society and is, in fact, very uncomfortable with not knowing but envies how the Reader is just somehow capable of that: confirmed. “How do you know where you belong, or if you belong.”

That’s. Some good advice from Reader, honestly, but also sad? They’re defining themself through their relationships again. I hope this means they’re figuring more out about themself this time. Also that this helps Equius - to figure out that he can define himself and not allow other shit he doesn’t really vibe with define him. Especially if he makes his own community. 

Oh. Equius tries to hone his strength in order to figure out why he’s a biological freak. “Reigning in an aberrant traint and defining” himself by it. And he doesn’t know which rules he likes following and which he doesn’t know how to ignore - he’s just as lost about himself as he is about everything else. 

“He looks like he might be about to tell you the story, but somehow you keep not learning the lesson where you should just chill and experience something instead of leap to try to figure it out before it happens” - is it just me, or does this narrator not sound like any of the others. Usually they sound like “Reader”, or like Hussie in the comic, or sometimes like the characters, but this... doesn’t. This is that narrative figure admonishing Reader for the previous timeline. Which is a little more interconnected than the last ones have been, and a whole lot more obvious.

“It’s like there’s narrative precedent for this moment existing in more than one plane of truth”. I actively love how that shows A) that there’s multiple timeline-based reasons for the loss of Equius’ horn and B) that trying to view a Void Player’s past isn’t easy because they’re just that naturally hidden.

TEREZI

Oh my god. Terezi that’s so fucking extra.

I’m assuming that means she’s talking to Vriska? She’s seriously mad. Madder than in the comic. I like the fact that we get to see more of her emotions during this whole phase now that there’s no plot to hinder.

Reader pointing out that the Alternian legal system is brutal in a way that’s just completely fucked up and also not typical of how Terezi seems to be as a person, but also highlighting that she doesn’t seem to see that there’s an issue with the system because of its laws and logistics she knows to a T that perfectly align with what Mind is? HELLA. That’s what a Seer do, babey! She learns her Mind from the law, THAT’S her Benefactor, and then she figures it out for herself!

Terezi being confused about the game, expecting him to ask about team leaders and shit, shows that - potentially - Reader’s actions have irrevocably fucked up her powers as a Seer of Mind. Or at least that she’s not looking at the right Options anymore, because she doesn’t know what they are.

(Also, Karkat not shutting up about Dave? Valid.)

TEREZI KNOWS THE HYPOCRACY AND IS JUST DOING THE SAME THING AS TYZIAS I’M GOING TO DIE. She can’t save everyone but at least she can save them for now, until she gets to a point where she can save everyone.

So that weird ass area is “an ambiguous nexus of metaphysical realities”. Definitely a place that doesn’t really exist yet sort of does. Interesting that they haven’t been thrown out yet, though. Maybe because Reader wasn’t really trying to go anywhere? They just remembered, and aimlessly used their powers. 

Gamzee called Reader a “themster” and I am wheezing.

Terezi realising she blamed Vriska for shit they did together when she knew it was something their fucked up society made them do, and realising she’s not exactly innocent herself, is really fucking sad. Kids shouldn’t have to go through this sort of shit. 

The thing watching them is approving of Reader taking Terezi back to Vriska? I’m wondering if it’s either happy because they’re continuing the plot, or because they’re fixing things. That hulking T-posing figure isn’t there anymore - and it seems a lot more demure. So maybe this entity is something else?

Oh, Terezi admitting she had fun hurting other people and getting upset over it is sad. Shows a lot about how screwed up Alternia is that they make murder fun for kids until it’s just completely normal for them to do. 

Best way to explain a Seer of Mind: behind the person everyone calls the Leader, controlling the spotlight. 

Oh FUCK yes. Vriska and Terezi are Scourge Sisters again, but this time against the people who really goddamn deserve it. I think this was cathartic for both of them. The blame they’ve been placing on themselves isn’t entirely gone, but it is a little better, and they’ve got no reason to go killing innocent trolls anymore against their own desires. 

Hints towards VrisRezi are also back, and I think they both really needed that. They don’t have to be rivals, as fun and as tale-told as it’d be. They can work together and be themselves and go against the shit they’ve been told is normal and that they’ve been justifying their whole lives. And these girls are gonna be healthier and happier for it!!

Not as much external plot in this one, but I get the feeling that Nexus is going to be showing up a lot more and becoming much more important. Interesting, too, that there’s (I think) two entities out there; one trying to stop Reader from skipping ahead, and one that was just watching to see what’d happen. That, or it’s the same entity - but I get the feeling one wants to stop Reader while the other wants Reader to progress in their own way?

On top of that, I really don’t know how to feel about how much of this narrative felt Dirk-esque. I might be paranoid, since a friend of mine pointed out that Friendsim led up to the Epilogues/Hiveswap and onward into Pesterquest, so Pesterquest must be leading into something, too. She thinks it’s Homestuck^2, and I kind of hope so, because if we get ANOTHER game after this I might die... but I wouldn’t be surprised, either.