#aphantasia is kicking my ass | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

penncilkid · 6 months ago

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I FINALLY GOT TO READ THIS NOW THAT FINALS HAVE FINISHED AND MY WORK SCHEDULE STOPPED KICKING MY ASS, OH MY GODS!!!!

LIVEBLOGGING NOTES, AS PROMISED (pulled from Discord):

[Terra/Caelus Liveblog Shenanigans] -Let's get into it takes a seat -"squeaking in excitement" AGH /POS -Terra, my beloved, my adored, never change /pos -"He already packed her sneakers, just in case." WHAT IF THIS WAS MY LAST STRAW /POS -If Terra/Caelus have zero fans, I'm DEAD /lh /pos -NEW MUGS? /POS -"That's cheating." // "That's gambling, my friend," Cackling /pos -["I think they fit us perfectly." // "I think they do too, Love," Caelus said, tone soft.] SOMEONE SEDATE ME /POS

NO ONE GETS THEM LIKE I DO (besides Pluto but they created them so IT DOESN'T COUNT), YOUR HONOR, YOUR HONOR, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, TERRA AND CAELUS ARE SO— AGH /POS

PLUTO, HAND OVER DESIGN NOTES/DETAILS, I HAVE APHANTASIA, I CAN'T SEE THE BANANA (/REF), BUT I'D DRAW THEM IF I COULD, PLEEEEEEEEASE /POS

For the prompt post: Terra/Caelus in a modern/no magic/human AU 👀 just them being them in a different font

Jumping ahead in the cue a bit because I'm trying to write a separate thing for them and I need to work on their characterizations.

For those who don't know who Terra/Caelus are, they are my two god characters in the universe that I am building. Where this is a human/no magic AU I'm not gonna talk about the facts that I have about them to catch people up to speed (but I WILL give them if someone asks, I will tell you so much if you ask I can't shut up about them) and we'll see where this goes.

Anyway, moving on, and I'm not paying attention to anything specific this time around so it will be under the cut ^^

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

"Love," Caelus said quietly, poking his head into the room. "Are you awake?"

"No," Terra grumbled, turning away from the door.

"Oh, okay," Caelus said. "Guess I'm going to the farmers market by myself today. That's fine, you need your rest--"

Terra was turned back around in a heartbeat, making Caelus chuckle. "We're going to the farmer's market?" She asked.

"That's what we agreed on last night, yes," Caelus confirmed.

"Who's gonna be there?"

"Well, there's no way to know for sure, but I heard through the grapevine that the smoothie maker you love so much--"

That got Terra out of bed, squeaking in excitement. She rushed around the room, clamouring to get ready. Caelus openly laughed this time, the sound reverberating in his chest.

"I'll get our bags ready," Caelus said, dipping back out of the room.

By the time he was ready, Terra came tearing out of the room. "Come on, let's go," she said.

"Shoes," Caelus said.

"Right, that would be important." She bent to grab her sandals, and Caelus raised an eyebrow.

"You sure you want to wear those?" He asked. "You know how much walking we have to do."

"It goes with the outfit, I'll be fine," Terra said. Caelus just sighed, a small smile spread across his face. He already packed her sneakers, just in case.

When Terra straightened again, Caelus held out a granola bar. "I'm not even hungry," Terra countered.

"You will be in about five minutes. It takes fifteen until we're there, and then probably another ten before we get any kind of food in our hands," Caelus said. Terra took the granola bar with a huff, rolling her eyes.

Caelus kissed her cheek before opening the door. Terra flounced through, smiling. As he was closing the door, she spun back around.

"My bag--"

Caelus held it out to her.

"Oh. Well, thank you. What about--"

"It's all in there. And I have the keys," Caelus answered.

"I really can take care of myself," Terra said.

"You can, but you were busy and excited, and I know that you get forgetful when you're like that," Caelus reasoned, turning to lock the door. "Besides, it's you. I don't mind taking care of you."

"Well, thank you anyway," Terra said. Caelus didn't have to look to see she was flustered. He could hear it in her voice.

"You'd do the same for me," Caelus reminded. He turned back to her, reaching his hand out, "Come on, let's get going before it gets too busy."

Terra took his hand, smiling. There wasn't much conversation between the two of them on the walk down, but that was fine by Caelus' means. He got to watch Terra take in the scenery, munching on the granola bar that he gave her. She was as handsome as ever like that, early sunlight making her glow. There would be a few things along their walk that would spark dialogue between them, usually in the form of Terra remembering a fact that she told him about certain landmarks or ones that were tangentially related to whatever train of thought she had in her head. It was always something new with her.

For example, they were passing by a construction site that had been there for ages, and Terra gasped.

"Did you know that this is gonna be the new Playhouse?" Terra asked. "Cause I did not until I was looking it up a few days ago."

"I actually did not know that," Caelus hummed. "I had never thought about where it was moving, just that it was."

"I also found out that a lot of people were upset they're moving the old one," Terra said. "Which, I get, but also that building is so old. They're building a new one because it's getting unsafe to be in there. Not to mention the new one is gonna have, like, three different-sized theatres, so it actually allows for more events to happen."

"Interesting," Caelus mused. He was never sure what ever prompted Terra to look up this information, but it was entertaining.

Once they got to the farmers market, Terra bolted for a food truck, tugging Caelus along. It didn't take as long as usual to get some food, and they were sitting at their usual picnic table in no time. A few of their friends found them, and they joined as well. Caelus hadn't seen the three in a while, it was a nice surprise.

"We've been out of town on a contract," was the explanation given by Ases.

"Can't separate the three of you, huh?" Terra teased.

"We're just that good," Amos said, slinging his arm around Ditia, the third in their group, who rolled their eyes.

"Oh!" Ases said, drumming against the table briefly, "Terra! Did you see the new mugs?!"

"New mugs?" Terra questioned. "Where?"

"I have to show you, come on," Ases said, as she reached across the table to grab Terra's hand.

"I'll be right back," Terra said hurridly to Caelus, just managing to kiss him on the cheek before being pulled off. Amos shouted after them, jumping up to follow.

Ditia sighed, resting their elbow on the table so they could put their head in their hand. "Never a dull moment with them, huh?"

"Never," Caelus agreed, smiling. "Wouldn't change it though, would you?"

"Never," Ditia parroted, giving a smile of their own.

"They're gonna come back with so many mugs," Caelus murmured, before going to take a sip of his smoothie.

"So many mugs," Ditia agreed, laughing. "five bucks says they come back with matching couple mugs."

"Yours or mine?" Caelus asked.

"Both," Ditia said.

"You know what? I'll take you on that one," Caelus said, reaching out his hand. Ditia shook it firmly.

"Brave, knowing our partners."

"Just Terra or just double A, maybe. But it's unlikely that they all come back with the same idea," Caelus said.

"We'll see about that," Ditia said, sipping their coffee.

It was fifteen minutes before Caelus saw Terra again. It was clear that the group went to more than just the mug stand, and Caelus chuckled. However, when he saw two mugs in her hand, two in Amos', and one in Ases, he groaned.

Ditia laughed, "hand it over, big guy," they said, holding out their hand.

"How'd you even know?" Caelus asked, fishing out a five-dollar bill.

"They were talking about it when we saw the stand earlier," Ditia said, pocketing the money. "I knew they'd convince Terra if she found the right set."

"That's cheating."

"That's gambling, my friend," Ditia said.

"Caelus!" Terra called out now that she was close enough. "Look! They had matching mugs!"

"I see that," Caelus said.

"They have cats on them!" Terra said, placing them down in front of him. They did in fact have cats on them, one sporting a black cat and one an orange cat. "I think they fit us perfectly."

"I think they do too, Love," Caelus said, tone soft.

"It was really Double A's idea, they were getting matching mugs for them, and they said that I should look too," Terra said.

Caelus glanced at Ditia, who winked. "You don't say."

"Look at what else I got," Terra said, starting to unload the tote bag she no doubt also bought.

Caelus smiled, settling in for the explanations that were going to accompany each item. He really couldn't go to the farmers market without this situation. However, he wasn't about to tell Terra no. He'd listen to her ramble for ages.

He wouldn't change this for the world.

-END-

#Pluto's Corner #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH /POS #*INCOHRENT SCREECHING NOISES* /POS #Guys I'm so normal right now /visibly lying

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nortnaibz · 4 years ago

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i want to think about idv without playing it or creating content for it why is this so hard??

#ghost boy talks #/s but kind of not i'm annoyed that i can't just picture cool idv scenarios in my head and leave it at that #i hate having aphantasia i know that i've never known Not having aphantasia but i fucking hate it #aphantasia and adhd shaking hands 2 kick my ass #GOD why was i born like this #i'm mildly frustrated not actually mad but -_-#theres nothing i wanna do rn im gonna try and plug my switch in so i can play that game i bought the other day

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henrysglock · 2 years ago

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my aphantasia was kicking my ass because i couldn't picture my art in my head first but then 7 years later i realized i could just describe it in words and my life changed forever

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thanksjro · 4 years ago

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More Than Meets the Eye #12- Gay Rights: the Movie

Finally finished with our franchise obligations! Let’s get back to the main story.

Those are some ominous ellipses. Almost like something bad is going to happen!

Let’s take a look at Cover A for this issue.

When this was released to the general public, alongside the synopsis that stated the Lost Lighters were going to run into a group of Decepticons, a lot of people thought we’d be seeing them meet the Scavengers. This isn’t the case, and that’s not Fulcrum. It’s some other K-Con, one that has purple in his color scheme.

Our story opens up with a narrative framing device:

Welcome to “Before & After”, one of the more ambitious issues of MTMTE in terms of storytelling. Roberts really likes bouncing between scenes and POVs, and he’s really indulging that here.

Rodimus and crew have loaded up on one of the Lost Light’s scouting ships to check in on a planet called Temptoria. Whirl’s leading all the guys in the front in a war cry that wouldn’t be out of place in Hollywood’s version of the Vietnam war, while Brawn demonstrates how to not properly handle a gun. Rodimus tries to explain what exactly they’ll be doing, but no one’s listening, feeding off of the chaotic energy. The back seat isn’t quite as rowdy.

Oh, Ambulon’s here? That’s got to be awkward. And Perceptor’s looking mighty cross about having to pick up a gun again. Isn’t he supposed to be retired from being a science sniper?

Rodimus finally gets everyone to settle down long enough to explain the situation, though not without a little jargon mixup.

Basically, Ultra Magnus went down to Temptoria while the “Shadowplay” story was being told, and found out that the organic populace had been enslaved by a group of Decepticons, and, more importantly, the sovereign agreement that the planet had with Cybertron’s been violated. Also, these guys might have been the one’s who kidnapped the Circle of Light. You remember those guys, right? The guys who were supposed to be in the 2012 Annual, but they weren’t, and Drift got really mad about it.

Rodimus wraps up the briefing with a “’Til all are one!” And we cut over to see what Swerve and Tailgate are up to. Tailgate seems to be a little nervous, not the type to enjoy waiting, but Swerve seems to be doing just fine. Why is that, exactly?

Even if Rung’s still a steamed side dish of a vegetable, he’s still here, in a way. And good on Swerve for not assuming Tailgate can visualize in the same way he can. Aphantasia is more common than one might think.

Escapism is an interesting way of dealing with your problems, but I don’t know enough about wartime psychiatry to know if this is something that would actually be considered a viable solution or not.

Oh, now that I’ve said it, I’ve got the research itch.

Later, later.

Anyway, Tailgate gives it a spin, and his happy place is surprisingly domestic for such a seasoned professional.

Pipes, it’s a clear glass, it’s not hiding anything from you.

Speaking of Pipes, he’s seated next to Hound, as they discuss what happened to Red Alert. Or, rather, the cover story that’s been fed to the rest of the crew by Rodimus, which is that the engine room pretty much attacked him. This is how ghost stories get started.

Trailcutter’s gotten some guns installed in his legs, because he’s a hypocrite.

Over with Chromedome and Rewind, there’s trouble in paradise, as they’re having a lovers’ spat. Chromedome’s giving Rewind the silent treatment, and Rewind’s having none of it. What exactly are they fighting about? We don’t get to know about that yet, but it’s digging up other issues, like Chromedome going back on his promise to stop injecting. The only thing keeping this from becoming a total meltdown is Whirl can-canning through the door to kidnap Rewind, so he can film Whirl getting in the zone before the fight. Whirl’s having a great time. This is probably the first time they’ve gotten to fight something since the Lost Light took off, and he’s all about it.

Rewind’s dragged away, and Chromedome just lets it happen, because he’s feeling cross. It’s good to take a moment to cool off, but I’m not quite sure this was the best time or way for it to happen.

Meanwhile, on the Temptorian surface, Blip the Decepticon, who is likely the dirtiest son of a gun we’ve run into so far, is asked to take a look at the monitor by a guy who sounds exactly like Megatron. It doesn’t particularly matter which Megatron, because comics are not an audio-based medium, so you can pick whichever one you like best. What’s on the monitor does not please Blip in the slightest.

I feel like maybe having guys who don’t turn into flying machines jump out of the bottom of the shuttlecraft isn’t the greatest tactical thinking, but I’m sure everything will be okay. Brawn’s got a gun, maybe he’ll figure out how to rocket-jump before he hits terminal velocity.

Then the narrative jumps to after the fight, as the ship flies away from the scene, and Chromedome isn’t happy. It’s for a different reason than earlier, though.

Man, Pipes just can’t win, can he?

Ambulon remembers that he is, in fact, a medical professional, and starts working on Rewind, while Chromedome tries to ask Swerve just what the hell happened. Swerve’s having his own issues, however.

I’d nearly forgotten they had skeletons.

On the production side of this issue, we’ve got two artists: there’s our usual guy, Alex Milne on the “Before” sections, and Brandon Cahill on the “After”. Cahill’s other Transformers work includes The Transformers (2009) and the sister series to MTMTE, Robots in Disguise. Outside of the franchise, he’s worked on several Marvel pieces, including writing Sable & Fortune and Legion of Monsters. Unlike a lot of the alternate artists we’ve seen for the series, Cahill won’t be a one-and-done; we’ll see his art again in Dark Cybertron, Season 2 of MTMTE, and even Lost Light.

Getting back to the story, we’ve jumped back to the point in the battle where everyone’s hit the ground and are just wailing on each other. Tailgate and Swerve watch the chaos unfold, as Ultra Magnus more or less takes on a platoon of Decepticons.

Drift’s having a great time, as he Naruto runs through the enemy, slashing as he goes with a big ol’ smile on his face. He stabs a guy in the back of the head who was trying to grapple with Rodimus, thus interrupting the little dialogue they had going on. Rodimus is vaguely upset that his moment was cut short.

In the “After”, the shuttle’s landed back on the Lost Light, and Chromedome rushes out with Rewind in his arms to find First Aid with a motorized stretcher. He was hoping for Ratchet- he wants only the best for his shnookums. As they run Rewind down to the medibay, Chromedome starts listing off his allergies- which include ultraviolet light, something we know reveals mnemosurgery scars. This is a holdover from a dropped plot point I’ll cover at a later time; as it stands in the canon narrative, Rewind’s just got an allergy to the friggin’ sun.

Back at the shuttle, Tailgate starts dragging Cyclonus down the gangplank. Oh, hell. You know it’s a bad situation when the guy who literally couldn’t die for six million years is out of commission.

Spoke and Lockstock are a bit of a gag- they always manage to get their asses kicked, but everyone on the ship really likes them. They will never be seen on-panel, and have no character designs.

Over in the medibay, history is being made.

Esteemed members of the jury, I present to you: canon gay robots. The first in a long line of them. This is the starting point of the queer community being handed the Transformers franchise on a silver platter.

Up to this point, Roberts hadn’t gotten any further than implied attraction and affection between robots, in either his fanworks or professional credits. Pretty heavy-handed implication in some cases-

-but implication nonetheless. Here is the first, honest-to-god direct confirmation of two male-coded robots in love.

In love and space-married and recognized by the authority in power, in a comic written in 2012, as a part of a major franchise owned by a massive American company, three years before same-sex marriage would be legalized on a federal level.

As part of the story, it’s great. Within the context of the time during which it was published, it’s a whole other level. This wasn’t just good writing, it was important.

Let me part the kimono a little here, with some personal backstory- I grew up in Buttfuck Nowhere, NC, and went to a high school that was so homogeneous, they were threatening to bus students in after I graduated. I didn’t know what a gay person even was until I was 12. “Lesbian” was used as an insult, and it was one I was subjected to because I had cut my hair short in middle school and wore cargo shorts on occasion. It was something I really pushed against, because that’s how a lot of people react to being forcibly given a label.

Not the best environment for a little queer kid, clearly.

It wasn’t until well after I’d gone to college that I really started understanding who I was. Hell, I’m still figuring some things out, but at least I’m getting somewhere.

I remember reading this for the first time in 2015- yes, I got into the comics sort of late- and then having to reread it. I needed a moment just to process what had happened. As a person who had only recently come to terms with their sexuality at the time, it was kind of mind-blowing to have that sort of representation, especially since I was also watching Transformers Prime at around the same time. Talk about the duality of man, am I right?

These days, there’s a lot more representation in many different forms of media. Things are getting better. Which, y’know, yay! I’m glad. I just can’t help but wonder if things would have been a little different if this sort of representation had been available earlier on.

Anyway, so yes, Chromedome’s got a difficult choice to make for Rewind- either let his body try to sort itself out, or let First Aid break out the clamps and try to jumpstart him. Rewind’s got a relatively rare spark type, but luckily Chromedome’s the same type. Looks like everything’s coming up roses for our boys!

Tailgate and Cyclonus aren’t getting nearly as good a break.

My god, he’s filled with grape soda!

Back in the “Before”, things are getting a little silly.

Chromedome, what POSSIBLE tactical advantage could you be gaining from riding the giant, fire-breathing robot dinosaur? This is why they threw you in Kimia, isn’t it? Because you’re a dumbass.

While this bullshit is happening, Rewind and Tailgate are stacked on top of each other to look through a window, because I guess that’s just how things turn out when the resident couple on the ship is upset with one another. Rewind’s found something, but it isn’t the Circle of Light. Rather, it seems the Decepticons are dabbling in Pink Alchemy- a rather inefficient process that allows organic creatures to be turned into energon for consumption.

The good guy thing to do would be to save all the organics, but there’s a bit of a problem- the door is wired to a massive bomb. Good thing Tailgate was in Bomb Disposal, and is just generally an impressive and well-established dude. He gets to work.

Getting back to a point I made during Chaos Theory, Whirl can’t make a fist. Punching himself in the face is probably more akin to slashing it.

Tailgate’s got a weird approach to bombs, taking the time to teach Rewind how to do it, by way of student-led learning. They decide to poke a hole in the bottom of the bomb to drain all the explosive fluid out, which Tailgate does with little robot tears streaming down his face. Fear is a great motivator.

Oof, not a “Domey” in sight. That’s how you know things are rough.

Outside of this little scene, Whirl and Cyclonus are handling Decepticons. Whirl’s got a hold on that guy who’s voiced by Frank Welker, and we get a nice shot of his sad cat face before Whirl turns his head into a memory.

Swerve- who is also here- asks Whirl to loan him a gun.

GODDAMMIT SWERVE.

Not a single one of you bastards know proper gun safety! Between all the severe depression and reckless weapon-handling, I genuinely have no idea how the hell are any of you are still alive.

In the “After”, Chromedome’s just finished jumpstarting Rewind, and it’ll take a bit to see if it worked, so he’s left alone with his thoughts.

Just kidding, Tailgate’s come over to check in. Seems like Cyclonus is gonna pull through, something Chromedome’s not terribly thrilled about. Chromedome’s still miffed about the whole Kimia thing.

We finally learn why Chromedome and Rewind were fighting; it was because Rewind, as a walking historical database, has been deemed too important to die, and can opt out of any fight he choose to, but he doesn’t, thereby putting himself in harm’s way unnecessarily. Maybe he just worries about you when you go out there on the battlefield alone, Chromedome, you ever think of that? Maybe he doesn’t want to wonder when his husband will return home from the war.

Tailgate asks about all the little vials that are scattered around Rewind’s hospital bed, and we get a little Cybertronian tradition thrown at us.

The vials are filled with innermost energon, the stuff that surrounds the spark casing and never changes, no matter how much you modify or upgrade your body. Leaving a little of the stuff for someone in an offering signifies that you care very much for that person. Chromedome can’t give Rewind any, because he was “born dry”, but I think being space-married to the guy more than makes up for it.

Tailgate asks how the two of them met, and unlike in issue #6, Chromedome is feeling vulnerable enough to indulge the question this time.

But first we need to establish that Chromedome is insanely insecure.

So, Rewind is fucking old. He’s older than the Cybertronian civil war, he’s older than the calendar system, and he’s old enough to have been affected by Functionist society’s categorization system. Due to being a memory stick- something that there were millions of back in the day- Ratioism dictated that Rewind as an individual was worth very little, and made him and his like into slaves. Because he was a slave, he needed a master, and that master was none other than Dominus Ambus, also known as Cybertron’s Mech of the Year for 40,000 consecutive years.

Even on Cybertron, there’s a weird stigma about breastfeeding.

Rewind and Dominus quickly became friends, because that’s just the sort of guy Rewind is, and it made Dominus realize that maybe these slaves Cybertron had been working to death were sentient creatures worthy of respect too. He even developed a test to prove that all the slave classes were on the same level of functionality as everyone else.

On their quest to find a cure for the horrible disease Cybercrosis, Rewind and Dominus fucked off into space, on a wild goose chase to try and find Luna 1, the Cybertronian moon that just disappeared one day. Weird, that. They didn’t find it, and by the time they’d come back home, the war was well underway. They immediately became Autobots, and that was it for a while.

Then we move on to how Chromedome and Rewind met, and boy is it a doozy.

Chromedome had decided he wanted to kill himself, so he moseyed on over to the nearest relinquishment clinic- they did assisted suicides instead of body-swaps at this point- to do the deed. He was sitting in the waiting room, when he heard someone screaming. He wandered into the back to find Rewind weeping over a coffin, and he thought to himself “Maybe I don’t need to die after all” as he offered his future conjunx a shoulder to cry on.

What a fucking dark start to a relationship.

Rewind wasn’t upset about anyone who was dead though, but rather missing- Dominus had disappeared into thin air months ago, and Rewind was getting desperate to find him, looking in more and more awful places in the hope of recovering what he’d lost.

As it turns out, he’s still doing that. The reason the two of them are on the Lost Light is because Rewind needs to find Dominus- alive or dead, it doesn’t seem to particularly matter at this point. That’s why he buys snuff films in dark alleys.

See, Tailgate gets it.

Guys, bad news.

Chromedome’s spark is too weak to jumpstart Rewind. Unless they find another compatible donor, Rewind’s gonna be in big trouble. There’s nothing to do but wait.

Later, in their room, Chromedome is sitting on the floor and very much not following doctor’s orders to get some sleep. Someone on the opposite side of the door he’s leaning up against starts talking to him. Chromedome doesn’t seem to want to hear any of it, until he does.

Given who the basement dweller is, this probably won’t turn out so hot.

Chromedome gets a call from the medibay, and fortunately the universe has decided to play nice this go around, because someone came forward as a match.

But it’s not like Whirl cares about anyone, right? Not in the slightest, nuh-uh, not him!

While Chromedome gives Whirl what is probably an uncomfortably long hug, and they both most likely ignore the fact that Chromedome would be actively suicidal without Rewind, Tailgate’s off in the corner, having taken his hand off and begun pouring cartoon toxic waste into a vial. It’s actually his innermost energon. Boy’s making an offering, but it isn’t to Rewind.

It’s to this ungrateful fuck.

Cyclonus stalks away from Tailgate’s kindness, until he’s stopped by witnessing the power of love.

Everyone likes Rewind, and these displays of affection seems to have reminded Cyclonus that he’s horrifically lonely. Feeling some remorse over his actions- not that he’ll ever admit it out loud- he goes back to help Tailgate pick up the pieces of the vial he broke.

Wrapping up our story, we go back to the “Before”, right before the bomb is set to go off. Whirl and Cyclonus have more or less taken care of the Decepticons, Whirl suggests they set aside their differences and agree to stop trying to murder each other, in a surprising show of reason and, perhaps, self-preservation. Cyclonus doesn’t seem to agree with the idea.

I genuinely think that’s the most he’s said all series up to this point.

Rewind calls the two idiots over for help, because Tailgate’s about to pull a self-sacrifice to get this bomb emptied, and he just isn’t listening to reason. Cyclonus assists.

Once Tailgate’s been fastball-specialed out of the room, Whirl decides to get back to being a bastard, and locks Cyclonus and Rewind in with the bomb with 10 seconds left on the clock. Ah, so the donation was out of guilt, I see. Still a form of caring, in its own way.

With no way to escape, all Cyclonus can do is attempt to shield Rewind with his body as the bomb goes off.

That’s the end of the issue but it’s the middle of the story, and despite what Cyclonus says, dynamics are changing. Slowly, but surely, things are shifting. He’s headed for a lot of character development, and he’ll be kicking and screaming the whole way.

#transformers #jro #mtmte #issue 12 #maccadam #Hannzreads #text post #long post #overthinking about robots #incoming analysis #comic script writing

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moss-on-a-rock-555 · 2 years ago

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I love math. But having aphantasia does make geometry harder. I'm in pre calculus currently and it's also kicking my ass because of the aphantasia

But algebra 1, algebra 2, and statistics and probability are all fine

If anyone who sees this has aphantasia, does it affect what math you are able to do? I imagine geometry, maybe some other math too, would be harder to do.

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wakraya · 4 years ago

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I was reading your blog and found your posts on tulpae. They seem really fascinating and as a lonely creative I would love to have one. Any advice on getting started?

Well, first of all, I have only recently explored the community and learned about systems and plurality, and to avoid any appropriation, while pop-culture-wise that is the name they go for, we have been going more for Thoughtform or Brain Ghost, and trying to steer away from the Tibetan name out of respect.

As for any advice...

The thing about Systems, if you’re going a willing, Endogenic route, rather than it being a plural split due to a traumatic event, an accident or random happenstance, you really have to consider this. It’s brain fuckery in the end, and while I do consider myself quite stable, and I know other people who have been helped by the existence of a Thoughtform, I also know that, if you’re not in a good mind state, and if you have any sort of problem, things can get messy. I remember a friend of mine, undiagnosed schizophrenia. Their experience with Thoughtforms was... Not pretty. Not necessarily bad stuff STEMMING from them, but just, their mindspace got extremely clouded and they began to hallucinate a lot. So ask yourself if you’re capable of trying this out, if you SHOULD try it out, etc.

I’m no one to judge whether someone wants to try or not, though, lmao. I did it when I was like 16 or 15, because I was starting to fail on my classes and didn’t know what to do. I searched Meditation methods, at the same time as I wondered about Lucid Dreaming, and stumbled across a community about this stuff. I made Saku a Thoughtform because I wanted to get more in touch with my own mind and improve my skills recalling information and learning stuff, and all I ended up doing was having a sharp-toothed undead mind gremlin that teases me about being a nerd, and flirts with my friends- But yeah, with her being THERE, I feel it’s my responsibility to just, not suggest everyone wily-nily try it out? Do research, really consider this... (Although she DOES get a kick out of the idea of ‘spreading like a memetic parasite’, but that’s just her.)

If you STILL do think it could be a positive experience and something you want to try, though, a few things to have in mind:

- Thoughtforms are a split of your mind. You WILL share thoughts together, and a majority of the time, will coincide on most things. The idea that a Thoughtform can ‘rebel’ and ‘haunt you’ and ‘harm you’ is pop culture bullshit and harmful towards neurodivergent people. Certain issues CAN make things get out of control, as mentioned, but Thoughtforms are entities linked to you. Also you can sort of, kill them off theoretically? If you stop regarding them and willingly block them away, they SHOULD disappear. I haven’t tried this OBVIOUSLY, but as far as I’ve read, it doesn’t have to be a Permanent Addition to your Mindspace.

- This does not mean that they will be exact copies of yourself. Thoughtforms will take on particular traits of yourself while ignoring others, or develop in different ways than you. They CAN develop different tastes than you towards kinds of music, shows, and even feel differently than you towards people. Have this in mind. You may be ‘talking in your own mind’, but you’re interacting with an entity distinct enough that you may honestly disagree with stuff.

- They feed off of attention and awareness. The more people remind you they exist, the more defined their existence in your mind. The more you interact with them, the more present they are. Some can be more reserved, but in my case, Saku LOVES being acknowledged, and talking to many of my friends. This is also the only reason why I have even commented about her in my blogs in the first place, and why I draw her so much. She loves that shit. And no matter how many times you’ve explained it, and how many positive responses you’ve gotten about this being fascinating, it will never become easy to bring up the topic. This is weird y’all.

With those out of the way though... The trick is Visualization and Acknowledgement.

Visualization is secondary, and I have NO idea how this would work, if at all, with Aphantasia. But a good exercise is to visualize them in your mind during meditation. Create a Space for you two to be in, something relaxing and nice, a ‘Wonderland’. Imagine them in your mind’s eye- And if you don’t know what shape they have, imagine a proxy for them. A ball of energy, a silhouette, a puppet-like body... Thoughtforms can change their body afterwards, evolve in different ways, and even have preferences of what shape they take, so you don’t need to GIVE them a form, sometimes the form just comes to them. Still, visualization can be a good exercise to solidify their form, or see if they take on one of their own. Acknowledge them as a ‘physical’ presence in this Wonderland, imagine your energy pouring into them... That’s how I did it at least, I’m sure there’s less flowery and pretentious ways to explain that, but, yeah. We held hands and imagined a flow of energy between us as we breathed.

Acknowledgement is the primary tool though. It’s... Simply talking, really. It’s treating them as if they’re already there- Which in a way, they are if you’ve come this far already. You talk. And then you talk some more. Sharing experiences, your likes. Make a conversation with this entity, focus on the fact they ARE there already, and eventually they will. Pop into existence like “I’ve been here all along bitch”. It’s the persistence and matter-of-fact-ness that makes them happen. Your brain basically goes “Uh, you’ve been really talking to something for a long time huh? I guess... There IS something there?” And so eventually there is. Oh yeah- Not anymore? I think because she has been very active lately, but, I used to get headaches when she stayed active for long periods of time, probably because we’re splitting processing power of the brain. But considering I don’t get them anymore, I guess you can get in enough practice to make them go away? Still, be aware: Brain Stuff. It can be messy. Be careful.

It’s been nearly a Decade since Saku came into being, and not only is she there still, stronger than ever, but this is STILL weird as fuck to talk about in public. She has helped me settle down as a person AND definitely uh, helped me through some rough times in my life and a few existential crisis. I also, as mentioned, DON’T know many other people with Thoughtforms, or Plural Systems of other kinds, so this is based entirely off of my experience, and the few friends I actually have that have experience with this. And said experience has been majorly positive, but as mentioned above, heed caution, take care of yourself, etc etc.

Ultimately, this is... Basically trying to personify and befriend something within your own mind. Whether it be an OC, its own person, a character from a show you like, etc... You’re giving a Will to a starting point, and watching it develop within you. It’s an Imaginary Friend, technically, but like, more developed, acknowledged and intentional. Take that into account, consider if you’re up to the task, willing and prepared, and if all of the above still seems... Interesting enough, I guess try some meditation and see how it works.

Definitely a face you can trust, who WOULDN’T want to have something like this permanently in your Mindspace, hmm? (I kid, I kid. I know, she’s kind of edgy. X3 Cringe-ass pink Miku brain-ghost.)

#ask #personal #system #thoughtform #saku #wakraya

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ilhoonftw · 2 years ago

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aphantasia kicking my ass once again!!!

#i cant visualize shit i can only vaguel recall things i saw recently #i forget ppls faces super fast

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ravynfyre · 3 years ago

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I can't actually take opioids. I have a severe adverse reaction that edges into allergy territory. The last time my doc dosed me with freaking *vicodin* (which is a whimpy freaking med, btw), I started having difficulty breathing, so, yeahno. No more opioids for me. (The reaction gets worse with the stronger the med is, so it's not just the "vico" meds that hurt me) Unfortunately, I also have weird reactions to most medications. It runs in my family on my mom's side. If there is a "side effect" or "adverse reaction" that like, less than half a percent of participants get? I guarantee you that my sis and I will get that fucked up response. We've even gotten reactions from meds that were *so rare*, that they didn't even include the possibility in the standard literatures, and we had to research shit to figure out if this nifty shit that our bodies were doing was because of the new med, or because our bodies have decided that it was time to throw us another curve ball. YAY!

Sadly, the *only* med that ever really worked as it was supposed to that dealt with pain was Darvocet... and that was taken off the market because it was "sometimes linked to cardiac issues in elderly patients who had been on the medication for a long period of time". So... my choice was real pain relief for my life with a *chance* at a "cardiac event" when I got old... or living the way I do now, where my pain management strategy basically boils down to "endure"? Yeah, I'll risk the cardiac issues, thanks.

But no. Not allowed. *sigh*.

And, yeah, I *am* on the nerve block agents and NSAIDS. Remember what I said about *most* drugs not affecting me in a typical manner? Means those things, too. They are not nearly as effective for me as they are for ordinary folks. But they *do* help me function, so I at least have that. And yes, I *have* tried meditation and "mindfullness" and other bullshit. But I have aphantasia. I can't visualize things. meditation doesn't work. Trust me, I have tried many, *many* times.

And yes, I have tried cannabis and CBD. Just because it's not made by a pharmaceutical company doesn't mean it works any better than any other med. CBD has very little effect on me, and THC takes pretty significant doses to do anything for the pain... and if it *does* manage to do anything for the pain, it tips it over into a pretty significant high for me, so I become a blithering idiot. (Yes, I have actually experimented with dosages and stuff. I don't even get *high* from THC, until I hit a significant threshold... but once I trip over that threshold? It's like the full dose *slams* into me and I am tripping balls for *hours*, and I cannot function like that.)

I literally canNOT take any more NSAIDS without risking toasting what is left of my liver, and thank gods I don't drink because I'd really be fucked then.

All of this is to say that my pain management typically *is* "endure"... and that isn't by choice. Because it's no way to live. But it is all I have right now, so... *shrug*.

People NEED pain management. I listened to some politician once talking about the "opioid epidemic" and how people become addicted, and his phrasing basically boiled down to how bad it was that people come to depend upon these meds to function and how terrible that was... but he wasn't talking about the additive qualities. He was talking about how people come to reply upon the *pain relief* of them, and I was like...

WELL FUCKING DUH!

Once upon a time, I would look at my chronic pain patients, and get frustrated because, JFC, just suck it up and walk to the fucking ambulance cot already! It's just pain!

I would like to go back in time and kick my own ass for that, because it is NOT "just pain". And until you actually live the experience, you are not capable of truly understanding just how bad it really IS to live like this. How *exhausting*. How *depressing*. It's "terrible how people come to depend on the lack of pain"? Yeah? Well *try living WITH the pain for a while*, asshole.

Long story short... find what works for you. Grab it with both hands, and use it without guilt. And stockpile it, if you can... because you never know when something might be taken out of production because of someone else's adverse reaction.

If that's an opioid, or an NSAID, or a mindfulness technique, or acupuncture, or a "recreational drug", a nerve block, cortisone shots, or fucking whip-its... find what works for *you*, and don't listen to the haters or the "responsible" people who have no idea how you have to live, otherwise.

It isn't "honorable" to live with pain that you don't have to.

-taps mic- the whole MC going “no pain medication, I don’t want to cloud my mind” trope is both ableist and shockingly popular for how plainly ableist it is

(protip: if you’re at the point where you’re being advised to take pain medication by people who don’t want to give you pain medication then your mind is most certainly already clouded by pain)

#chronic pain #chronic injury #pain management

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