#anyways. I'll really sleep. Soon
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the college i'm transferring to next semester has a big fancy recently-renovated arts department and classes like animation that the teachers seem real proud of, yet they have absolutely no comics-making classes & that mildly aggravates me in a very specific way
#fiftytenpost#So i'm kind of hodgepodging together stuff i think'd help me improve my general visual storytelling skills…#but it'd be nice to not be self-taught all the time yknow? sometimes you need some extrinsic motivation#and of course there's also the struggle of whether i want to lock in the thing I've done for fun my entire life (drawing) as#a professional career.#siiiiiiiiiiiigh i wish that education wasn't tied so closely to Future Career. i should just be allowed to learn about everything#but of course also there's no other careers i can think of but art. on account of minmaxing. But that's also what adult life is for#(figuring out different options and pathways and getting more degrees is always an option etc etc. Except those are 'spensive. Joker societ#anyways. I'll really sleep. Soon
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I swear to god I'm in love with The Rehabilitation of Death jfjdkfjfjfj
SO READ IT
Also the person who wrote it is @/bamsara ← not actually tagging cuz I don't wanna bother
The fic's on AO3 :D
#cotl#cult of the lamb#the rehabilitation of death#idk if i should tag that since its not really fan art#← i only have 2 exams left so i'll try to muster something this sunday hopefully#:)#anyways so#just got through the drunk gods chapter lmao#also i sacrificed sleep to read this and im happy#← words of one who will soon regret this decision#it is 2 am in the morning help me i cannot sleep i have an exam today its psychology ahhhhhhhh
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... why he sit like this
#in this position his face is extremely 'cartoon cat' shaped.. like the perfectly round cheeks and little#rounded bump of a snout.. big round eyes. etc. stretched over the arm of a chair like a weirdo#cats#It's still Hot Evil Summer time and I have so much to do so am just aimlessly hopping between various projects but not actually#getting anything done. as usual. Also so so so so tired. I almost fell asleep in the middle of the floor like 3 times today lol#Trying to finish some costume photos and also another poll adventure thing. plus I do really want to do a sculpture sometime#I haven't finished one in a while. Hopefully my tiredness is nothing bad.#Maybe I'm anemic again so that's making me tired. Or maybe it's just a Listless phase. not that I'm ever really THAT productive considering#all of the health problems and etc. always holding me back. but still. I'm not usually 'sleep or just stare at a wall literally all day' ty#e unproductive.. at least not for multiple days in a row so. hmm... Sometimes especially in the summer though I will have periods of time#that are listless like that. I am under low level phyiscal stress for months at a time due to summer heat so I guess it makes sense#that would eventually take a toll. I just have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO!!!!! AAUUGhhh#I also came up with a new idea for a game that is so so cool and I wish I could make it but I have to finish the other one first lol#which I will NEVER do. if I spend all day just sleepy unfocused barely able to do anything#I also really need to sell some clothes and sculptures because I'll probably have to buy a new computer soon so I need money. (plus still#recovering the costs of having to euthanize my other cat.. wehh) There's nothing clearly wrong with it right now but it's getting gradually#slower and there's more weird glitches happening randomly and idk.. just weird things that make me think 'hmm... bad.. possibly.'#ANYWAY... I just have so much to do that I both REALLY want or need to do - so it's perpetually frustrating that I just can't for whatever#reason like. Time is always mving forward. every day I waste is a wasted day. The year is already almost half over. I havent finished#any of the projects I wanted to .. and there's only more and more things to do each day. It's overwhelming and stinky#and thats not even considering having to do all of my tasks also with the background noise of economic inequality. everything increasingly#going into an even scarier political direction. active climate change crisis. pandemic that still exists and is insane to act otherwise. et#etc. HOW am I supposed to solo make two whole games . write 3 book series. finish sculptures. do costumes. make outfits. game videos. make#stable network of social connections. do my little side crafts. take care of myself and cats. pay rent. manage health issues. keep a routin#.try to make some sort of money. go to doctors appointments. handle regular maintenance like cleaning and cooking and self care#and buying new plates when old ones break or etc. make sure to do other things like backup my computer data regularly. do shopping lists.#take care of plants. pursue like 6 different academic interests. do the other side side projects I have for fun (like music or carving avoc#ado pits). eat in a healthy way thats okay for my Special Health Issue diet. exercise so i don't die early. etc. etc. etc. AND all while it#82F in my apartment all the time and I have tiny income and also need to move to another country/climate somehow??? lol......#ANYWAY.. ..very frustrated today over my chronic Tired Sleepy.. time for Cat Photos - which cure all of life's ailments lol
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#the depression is kicking in again (it never left) its so over for me AGAIN#oh my god#i am so tired i can't get anything done and my moods have been horribly unstable lately#i just wanna be normal and happy??#anyways... i'll get the reqs done soon i swear :(#i am just going to assume that this is happening because my period is soon...#i really do use this place as some venting diary sometimes IM SORRY :(#i'm just gonna sleep#ruru rambles
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this is mostly in jest but heads up i might not post official art besides small doodles for a while because my drafts ran out and these past two weeks have genuinely been destroying my mental health so I don't have the capacity to do anything seriously art-related right now
#personal#random#blog stuff#might join a magma but i think that might be it#i have one small witch eclipse doodle but after that i'm gonna have to restock#and i unfortunately can't cuz my brain went kaput after a 17-page essay and too much stress on top of fasting#i'm a little under the weather as a result cuz my immune system took a hit from lack of sleep and sudden decrease of food#and also the idiots i'm forced to interact with have been stressing me out so#that combined just kinda ruined my ability to draw#i have a break coming up soon so i should be able to come up with something by then but#if i don't here's why#that's why i opened up art requests for whoever wants to do that#cuz i don't really have the ability to come up with stuff rn#i'll still be on tumblr cuz i like it here but#no non-doodle art this week and prob none next week too#so uh yea sorry bout that#anyways#will prob delete this later#(also sue and salty i absolutely love your aus they are very dear to me)
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the line where he asks r.yoma to spar with him is so cute
#ash rambles 💚#and before this he was like 'uh we've never crossed swords before 💀 you wanna?'#yes!! gladly!!!#also seeing such a serious and usually professional guy say 'hehe' made me giggle ajdjajdjsb he makes me so happy#even with the atrocities and the murders#yes but have you considered that he's super cute?#i really love his voice ajdksjhajsj#i like hearing h.ijikata speak because he can often be more calm than m.ine and that makes me happy because m.ine deserves a fucking break#and therapy#m.ine needs fucking therapy.#but this isnt about m.ine! this is about his super hot samurai counterpart from the random y.akuza samurai spinoff game because i fell for#him in both universes!#you were beautiful 💸#anyways it's super early ajkdhqjs just don't have it in me to sleep ig. a lot going on!#my bf sent me a text that said 'I'm praying for all you americans and ALSO YOU LOOK SUPER CUTE IN THAT SELFIE YOU JUST SENT ME' and yeah#that just about sums it up huh 😐#maybe I'll get out of bed soon... not like I'm falling back asleep anytime soon.#anyhow back to pretty boy kissing#it's always pretty fun for ash to cross blades with him#a sword fight was their first meeting after all#they've come a long way!
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#i doubt i'll be able to sleep now because i am full or rage right now and i want to go murder my father#that said... i am feeling better than last night when i couldn't pinpoint my emotions lol#last night i was worried i wasn't sad/worried enough and thus not normal#tonight i'm planning murder so i know i can still feel shit sjnfjsg#anyways my entire body is boiling hot and my head hurts now so that's not fun but whatever#i wish death upon my father and my uncle can go eat shit too (although I have no proof to justify those feelings lol)#i have no family... none#my aunt and uncle from one side are the shittiest people i have ever met and their son is a monster#my father is the most pathetic little worm on the face of the earth who sometimes manages to conjure up feelings in me#feelings of hate and rage#my uncle on that side is another pathetic little useless man who doesn't really conjure up any feelings in me#my grandma is dying but even when she was alive she had what i can only assume were mental health problems which made her push everyone away#the rest of the grandparents are dead#the only woman in my family who had some amount of kindness and love was my grandma from my stupid ass father's side#and i sadly didn't appreciate her enough while she was living :/#that's it... the only loving kind and understanding people left are my mom and my brother...#it's us three against the fucking world huh?#fuck that's depressing...#anyways...#i'm gonna try to distract myself with other shit until I can't be awake anymore#fingers crossed that happens soon (and that i die in my sleep)#angel talks#personal
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It's Wednesday somewhere!! (I have made this joke before and I will gladly make it 1000 times more ) YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS??! WIP WEDNESDAY!!!
If you don't have any wip updates, it's alright, we can just talk! How have you been? its not like I talk with you everyday or something
AND, and!! twirls you around +* HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!!
I know I'm a day late... pls don't mention it /j
TWIRLS YOU AROUND TOO!! *. +' hi red happy pride month!!! hkjh dont worry i was like, stressed and dead tired yesterday, it doesnt count, PRIDE STARTS NOW WE ARE NOT LATE WE PROMISE HKJGH <33 i will gladly accept the joke 1000 times more, dont you worry hkjfh <333
i haven't been writing much besides, ohhh y'know, a few rp responses here and there (;3) <3 i almost shared an angst snippet, but it's pride month, so here's some idiots in love from Unstoppable Force instead lmao <3
VOLITION snorts in the back of his throat, slowly sitting up and stretching out his limbs, joints clinking pleasantly, sounding like a teacup getting stirred – Mmn, you’re atrocious.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY stares at him, gleefully after he laughed at his joke, and then admiringly, watching how his muscles flex beneath his skin. The lavender plates of armor shift along their fault lines – You love me for it, though. I’m charming as hell.
VOLITION pauses in the middle of a stretch. You love me for it... the words carry a weight for him that apparently isn’t as heavy to the physique skill. Did he feel...? No. A thought for another time. He pushes it aside, pins it for later, smoothly finishes stretching with an innocuous hum – Charming might be pushing it.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY laughs, sprawling out like a lazy cat and batting the conversation aside with little regard for the consequences – Aw, spoilsport.
#inland drabbles#volta transmissions#task: unstoppable force#esprit: Red#<- congrats! youre the first one to get a cool esprit tag! i'll be going back and editing tags to add these for all my friends soon hkjh <3#oh the joke volition's snorting about is FUCKING AWFUL and i love it hgkjh writing stupid inappropriate jokes as echem is so fun#but i wont share it here for now <3#also i read back on a line i wrote before these ones and broke my own damn heart like LMAO. FUCK. WHY'D I WRITE THAT LINE HKJGH#anyway i love their banter. their back-and-forth conversations are so fucking fun... awughhh theyre so silly.#anyway i REALLY SHOULD SLEEP im going out with my lgbt club tomorrow for pride!! <3#thank you for asking red! :D <33
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mister soldier looks a bit too good in red 🍒
However, he doesn't appreciate the way you're looking at him 👁️👄👁️
AKA Kyros is a big fat hot dork who needs to have more saucy content because this is a literal CRIME!
#Negligee#Since i think Kyros considers a mini skirt as a working uniform then i think he would consider a negligee normal sleep-wear#He's not blushing because of the dress btw 😏#I wanted to draw a sheer see-through negligee and some “”“”details“”“ but I'm still taking baby steps#Everything will fall into place and I'll soon be able to draw old man content teehee#Anyways thanks to the person who voted for this. Without them I would've never had the courage to draw this!#Kyros looks really ｙｕｍｍｙ in red#I'm so proud of this piece... Don't mind the chicken scratches tho 🤭#I'll start putting these polls more every now and then#Kyros#Kyros one piece#Mine#My art
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To anyone who's ever read my story: Thank you, and I'm so sorry I haven't posted anything in ages. I really, really, really want to keep working on it, I just kinda hit a wall with where to go next, and that has been killing me for months now.
(Basically, I have the entire last half or third of the story plotted out, but aside from a few scattered plot points, I don't know how to do the setup to get there. And the harder I try to brainstorm the emptier my brain gets. So I've kinda just stalled.)
#oh to have the same level of awesome inter-character interactions and cots....#I'm just really bad at coming up with scene ideas that lead to those kinds of inter-character interactions aside from one-on-ones w/ Fallon#anyways. enough late night / early morning thoughts.#who knows maybe someday soon I'll have an insomnia week where I fix every single problem with RTQ/ATQH.#that'd be nice.#knowing me it will be during a week where sleep is critical tho.#since my last productive insomnia week was during my fall semester exam week lmao. very funny but also annoying as hell.#morrigan.txt#delete later#I make too many posts at odd hours.#I need to go the fuck to sleep. It's after 2am and I have to be up around 9am.
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My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.
#text post#like i know why i am awake babe why are YOU awake this late#and god why do we have to do another visit#they aren't bad enough to make me stop this dose and i haven't been on the new dose long enough to let it even out#can i not just Not have to do another uncomfortable visit where even if things turn out okay after#i later feel like I'm still not being wholly trusted/treated like i know my body and how i feel#i had worse side effects restarting this med months ago and we didn't have any additional visits for that#they fucking forgot to even book me for a f/u and i had to call in and beg for one basically#and then they misbooked it for the wrong reason and with the wrong doctor#and made it out like it was my fault when i made clear i begged and told the receptionist i spoke to to book said appt#that it needed to b with my doc for the Lamotrigine and that i hadn't been told when to follow up so i was just. doing it#bc she said i needed to but then didn't say when to book it#they're trying hard and im trying to give them grace but then this shit happens and like#im tired. makes me want to go into my new doc like nah never mind im fine. don't ask me nothing and i won't bug you with anything#unless im dying or nearly dead already.#would suck beyond believe attempting to raw dog life mostly again but goddamn. im so sick of this lack of stability with my care#anyway. probably an appt next Tuesday which is great#that's the week of the weekend that i work again and the week before my bday#(a bday I'll be working now which I'm not normally irked abt but. i am a bit rn)#so cool. yeah. let's stack anxiety and fear over a medical appt on top of everything else for that week#and that's not counting that this weekend I've been tasked with buying and getting signed a v expensive and rare figure#for my mum's bf and I'm kind of terrified im gonna fuck it up#he paid for tickets to the con the figure will be sold at and that the person he wants to sign it will be at#so if i fuck this up he'll want (understandably) to be paid back asap for that#and that's money i don't fucking have rn#i really wish she had waited till the actual day proper to contact me bc i couldn't sleep before this#and now i definitely cant bc like#it's dumb. but what if she takes my med away. it isn't perfect but it works better than any other med I've tried#what if she wants me to try a new one. i cant do that and b dealing with major side effects during the intense work schedule#that'll be happening for me v soon and then into November
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she's heeeeeereeeeeeeee
:-)
#you know how i just posted 'i'm only in real trouble if i get a migraine'#oh you KNOW my girl really needed to make herself known. begging for attention#anyway. i just did So Much weed#if i cant sleep if off and im still Bad Lung tomorrow i'll.... idk.#idk what i'll do. call my doc i guess. or obviously hit the ER if my neurological wellbeing takes a hit#god i'm so annoyed. STOP#JUST STOPPP#autoimmune tag#i took a migraine med as soon as i realized lights hurt so hopefully itll b ok#im putting on some of those yt videos you guys recommended n just gonna cozy up eyes closed n fall sleep#god. DESIST!!!!
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also.. I've been thinking more about the fact that we'll be living with my in-laws again.
we lived with them before, for about 🤔 four years (I moved in after my dad died). and it was.... how do I put this. not the best time. they're nice, technically, but very distant and cold. so I'm kinda scared of interacting with them and mostly just... didn't.
so I'm probably going to be stuck in our bedroom there for the entire two months. with our two cats. without all my stuff. I love my stuff, I feel lost without it, so that's not great. I'll only be bringing what I absolutely need (and probably my painting supplies - I will go insane if I have nothing to do), so that's going to feel weird.
and I've been thinking about how annoying certain aspects of living there (again) will be. except more annoying now since I won't ever be fully alone. which. hm. I don't like it. (I love our cats and of course it's not the same as having humans around all the time but.. idk I just need my space sometimes 😭)
#and. I mean. certain aspects. of that. will be annoying#can't say because I can't talk about these things but. yeah. not great#annnyway#it's just two months. about 8 weeks. possibly a little less even.#that's doable#and let's be real this current phase (my obsession with a certain fictional guy) will probably be over soon bc that's how it usually#goes and then. well at least that one aspect won't be an issue 😬#that feels so tmi even though I didn't actually say anything wow I really have issues.#anyway I'll probably feel like shit for two months but then it'll be better after that! hopefully. in theory. maybe possibly who knows#I know I'd be terrified right now if I didn't have my anxiety meds. oh it was so bad before/during the first move especially#and last time it was awful because my health wasn't great#I think I feel okay-ish now mostly. so I hope that'll make it a bit easier#oof I really need to sleep#personal
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For some reason the system has booted me, the ED symptom holder into front alone (minus some random blurry mess behind me who probably couldn't easily front), at night when everyone knows I refuse to eat.
And we have to take meds. This wouldn't be an issue. I still drink water. But our meds require food.
And my partner isn't in cocon like he normally is when i front. He's like one of the few guys who can SOMETIMES convince me to eat. And if I won't he'll take front from me and do it for me.
Why does our system do things like this. Whoever controls who fronts is a fucking dumbass lol. Weirdly our (KNOWN) gatekeepers don't. It's probably the innerworld itself (it's alive and is a sysmate of its own. That's a long story for another day), or maybe an unknown alter.
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We're NOT ED positive. This is actually the first we've posted about ours I believe publicly. I'm just talking about experiences we have. I'm adding this disclaimer cause I know some folks will get the wrong idea.
#tw ed#tw eating issues#tw disordered eating#system stuff#this isn't really a vent so I'm not gonna tag it that way#this is just an annoyance to me lol#I'll probably trigger out our sleeping alter anyways soon by watching his source#or my partner will show up soon#-Fizzarolli#ed stuff#the demons hiss#it's just annoying cause i wanna sleep cause a bit tired and we have stuff tomorrow and need to be up early#but can't sleep until meds are taken#tw medication#system problems#system issues
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me and the besties are making an organization together! idk if any of my mutuals/friends here could join but maybe (if you're around our age range of being around high school/college i think) if you're filipino :] or know any of us irl uhh yeah. ANYWAY. small update. i've tried making my dear darling in bg3 character customization and i adore him i wil share him soon <33 but gods i am so busy w school aaaghhh
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#it's been really fun so far (school) but also quite stressful (mostly in relation to quizzes & socializing & college upcoming. generally.)#i've made friends thru dnd/bg3! made friends from friends! say hi a lot to a lot of ppl i know! made friends in my classroom! etc!#and i've still been playing ffxiv sometimes and getting into bg3 and writing in my free time and even reading as well#so life is good#it's a mix of up and downs and: it's good <33#idk just a little life update#i'm sick again rn can you believe it !! i will need to head to sleep soon since i'll be waking in around 3/4 hours agh#but dw lol i always get sick and then better soon after <3 90% of the time ..... yeah.......#anyway :P fun fun fun. stupid. crazy. crying. good gods i HATE my nose <//3
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#i'm going to sleep soon but agshdjf i saw the misinterpreting of that post has already started#please develop some reading comprehension skills#and stop trying to keep hl in the closet because you think it's a more woke take or whatever#also no one is saying closeted people cannot be happy but lol do they look happy to you when stunting?#harry definitely looked peachy and like he had the time of his life for the past 2 years#and louis must be happy to use the kid too according to that logic right?#all that post is arguing is that they literally don't need the stunts because they could have the same fucking lives without being closeted#and having to do the things they don't want to do and that make them unhappy and are ultimately a waste of their time#idk why there is such a need in some of you guys to keep harry and louis closeted but you really do start sounding like 1dhq#my prediction is i will wake up to vAgUe posts saying how closeted people are being invalidated#and that's when i'll understand there's really no hope for this fandom#anyway kisses#imagine being okay with hl being stuck in an abusive system for some better fan points
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