#anyways yeah especially with that one little promo of him saying people fear whats under the hood more

[pettyprocrastination]

I like to think that König maybe has a pretty nasty scar on his face from an “accident” when he was younger (bullies) but got swept under the rugs because maybe the kids involved had important parents or smthn like that. Would make sense given his anxiety + his desire to wear a sniper hood despite not actually being a sniper

[silverselfshippingchaos]

[dorky-self-shipper] 🎫 here’s a gush pass :3 feel free to gush about whichever f/o you want, however much you want, then send this ask to 3 other selfshippers

Oh, my friend!!! Ahhh thank you so much for sending this in!! I have been a bit iffy because some things in my life have been piling up, but!!! I am so excited to dig into this!!! I really need a good gushing session haha!

Today's target for gushing hours with your girl Ash is none other than Yaag Rosch!

This ended up being pretty long, and is a mix of lore, screaming, keyboard smashes, his gorgeous design, and more screaming.

Saying that this man lives in my head rent free is an understatement. He is all I think about it. Honestly, I think it's funny considering Yaag's role in FF13. He's only around in the first game, and shows up in like five cutscenes.

Also. We get crumbs of him in the novels. More on that later. Back to the game.

All he does is "hey yall suck" "your lives don't matter" "uhh i need to kill you guys" "oh wait no i'm not evil" "*dies*"

But!!! He's very cool!! His character is so interesting to me. He's so driven to do whatever it takes, but beneath his actions, there's always an edge of hesitation. He seems like he comes off as so sure of himself, but... I'm not sure about that. Now, I can't say anything for sure because the writers hate him, I really liked those few moments where we get to see his actual thoughts.

For example, "Do you think we want to Purge our own people?!" And things like that where you see him question his orders. I feel like there's a lot of underlying hatred, distrust, and overall fear of the system.

Also, his development from "They aren't people, they're targets." to "I'll trust in your humanity." Gets me every single time.

Also don't get me started on his "if this is my punishment... i accept it." when he's bleeding line.

I am here to gush, not analyze. But both are happening anyway.

I feel as though he puts a lot of thought into what he says and how he acts, and I really do admire that.

For context, Lieutenant Colonel Yaag Rosch is this military higher-up guy. I remember seeing him for the first time and my jaw simply dropping. I know that these games have a history with hot villains. After all, I am an FF7 fan. I have seen the SOLDIERS, I have seen the Turks, I've seen Rufus. They're all hot.

There. I said it.

This intro scene gave us some damn good food. Like??? The silver hair??? The ponytail??? The scar on his forehead??? The overly dramatic speech about how the protagonists need to be eliminated??AJKLFNAWKJFNAWKLJFNWILEN.

(Also, I'm beginning to see the resemblance he has to Felix. I am a very predictable woman, aren't I?)

I am actually going to scream. He’s so handsome!!! His jaw!! His eyes are such a pretty color too!!! I wanna give him a kiss ahhh!! Especially on his forehead scar!!! He's so... woah.

Also, he has a really, really nice voice. Like??? WOW. I want this man to like. narrate my life. Here, lemme find some clips of him talking.

Here. Enjoy.

This one is a fan favorite as well.

It's not a Rick roll. I promise.

..... Unless?

Anyways, as time went on, I realized that he's actually such a deep and interesting character?? He gets done dirty by the writers and the game, but the potential he has makes me so excited!! There's so much material to work off of!!! Truly one of the more interesting villains the trilogy has to offer. Honestly, it's kind of difficult going through the second game knowing that he isn't there.

However, it's also difficult going through the second game because I??? Can't beat?? The goddamn boss fight??? I'm also playing on easy mode. I didn't struggle this much during the first game either. What the hell, Ash.

Back to the actual topic.

I'm gonna start off with his design before we delve into s/i lore and fun tidbits.

(His coat is so cool... Do you think he'd let me wear it? I'd probably waddle around in it because he's pretty tall and I. I am not.

He's around 6'2 (around almost 188 cm..? I think?), but take into account his boots too. Which means that normally he's slightly taller. That means that he's about a foot taller than me. That means that I'm pretty much the perfect height to bury my face in his chest. *screams*)

Talk about a kickass design. He's really cool to look at. Not only, uhm, *blushes*, but because of how cool his outfit is too! It does a really good job of portraying that "heyyy i'm super importtanntttt" energy that he has. He carries himself like he's the shit. And you know what? He is.

He's pretty professional. Minus the times he gets kinda pissed. The novels say, and I quote,

"They said he was the most straitlaced man in PSICOM - if you put serious and stubborn in a military uniform, you'd get Colonel Rosch."

And yeah. That basically sums it up.

Also, there's this scene where he gets all pissed and pulls out his sword and I'm over here like *insert debby ryan hair thing here*. I'm telling you, it's always the sword boys that get me. I'm sure you've noticed that by now. I don't know what it is but. It's a thing.

Oh!!! Oh!!! Speaking of the *tucks hair behind ear*, there's this one scene where he's chasing the protagonists. And he goes, "Clever, aren't you?"

*SCREAMS*

That scene is truly a masterpiece. Thank you for the good food, Squeenix. I remember having to take a moment to just pause and regather myself. Actually, I had to do that the first time I saw him too-

I wasn't alone at the time when he was introduced so I was just silently like "ohmygodhellosir ajrfnaklwenjklwenjklrn" but oh my GOODNESS.

My s/i works with him! She's pretty much his right hand woman. She always has reports and intel on all their missions ready to go! I find it cute how well they work together, be it for mission-related matters, or just when they're relaxing together.

Just like pretty much all of my other s/is, she's a raging academic and total nerd. In the first game, they basically live on this human paradise called Cocoon. It ends up not being so great because the gods want to murder humanity but anyways! Education is pretty much free and you can study whatever you're passionate about. That's why she has studied just so many things.

She's not exactly the type who aspired to join the military, but alas! Things happened. I like to think of it as a "heyyyy y'all needed my help once and then once turned to twice and twice to thrice and then i never left" type thing.

Oh, and then she fell in love with Yaag while she was there.

Her cheery attitude is a direct opposite to his, but they're also able to have some very serious conversations with each other. I love their dynamic so much! Also, he can get a bit softer when he's opening up to her and,,, Soft Yaag??? Hoo boy.

Her motives and beliefs tend to align a bit more with the Cavalry branch, but i feel as though she fits in better with PSICOM. Also, the book describes the soldiers to be a bunch of dumbass dorks and just the thought of her smiling and cracking jokes with all of Yaag's men make me super happy.

Oh and she gets a cool uniform too! Because I said so.

Now, they've known each other for years by the time the end of the first game rolls around. They're happy together, maybe even engaged! It can go one of two ways here. He either dies or he doesn't.

I like adhering really closely to canon with my ships (*laughs in genesis angst*) but I also think it would be a blast if he were to survive.

In the novels after his death, some recordings of his are found. It's basically him talking about how the government sucks from the inside. A character finds these and reveals them to the public to get rid of the old government and an invite a newer one that actually cares about the people. However, it's never quite stated how he got those recordings. And that's where Ash steps in.

She brings them to his attention and helps him out, but then returns to live with the rest of the remaining soldiers in that camp they set up in the second novel. They all look up to her as a leader-type, which I find is really funny because she doesn't exactly have the qualifications? She worked with PSICOM, but was never exactly a soldier. But hey, it's right after the world (quite literally) fell apart, I don't think that anybody cares about that.

Also, there's another chapter where Snow ends up visiting, and she has a friendly chat with him!!! She helped out the protagonists a little bit near the end of the first game, so they have a slight idea of who each other are, but that doesn't exactly change the fact that she fell under the category of villain for a lot of it, despite not actually being a bad person. I also think that their dynamic would be fun. Snow also just makes me really happy LMAO.

I think that this version of Ash is really fun just because of how much the experience hardens her? She spends a lot of time grieving. Also!!! Whether or not she makes a cameo in 13-2 (maybe near the ruins early game?) is totallllyyyy up to you hehe! I think it would be neat for her to talk to the protagonists of that game, especially since Yaag was the one who orchestrated the Purge and at the ruins, there's a huge monument of the names of people who were killed there.

Also, whether or not she has a son here is up to you. I like to think of all my ideas all happening in alternate timelines so everything I want can happen without stepping on other events? I imagine their child to have Yaag's pretty silver hair with Ash's brown eyes.

Also, 13-2 is about time travel so like. The protagonists meeting their child in the future when he's all grown up? Good stuff.

But hey, in the main timeline she's alone after Yaag's death. She helps the other characters. I also think that in time, she does work for the Academy? I mentioned that she's pretty nerdy earlier, so that definitely helps out. She's super cool!!! Such a badass!!!

Now, on the flipside of things, what if he survived? Then what happens? shameless self promo

Yaag still has those recordings, and they do still reach Captain Rygdea. They both live in the small village that the remnants of PSICOM created. It's a sweet life. Are fankids a thing in their future? Yeah, probably.

I feel like Yaag would be a really good dad. I headcanon that he has a very strong relationship with his own father as well. He's caring and stern, but also knows when to turn down the serious scale. The novels also say that he likes kids!?!?!? I know I've screamed about this point like 24892 times on my blog. But.

It's so cute??? Who would expect this super serious and mean man who quite literally says that the protagonists aren't people, they're targets to like children of all things???? It really is my favorite thing ever just because of how cute it is. I also have a few tiny cousins in my family, so him playing with them makes me very soft too.

("Would you please stop tugging on my hair- Ash, this is not a laughing matter!" "Oh, but it so is.")

I think that detail really helps hint at him having a more gentle side? And I adore that.

Also, I mentioned how Snow pays a visit to the PSICOM camp after the events of the first game? I think that would be very interesting with Yaag there because before Yaag dies in canon, Snow says, "Stay alive. We'll see you when it's over."

And now he finally gets to see him. The conversation would get surprisingly deep and definitely dive into Yaag's motives and real thoughts about his actions in the game. I really enjoy the few interactions those two have in the game.

Anyways, now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's dig into the meat and potatoes of this ship.

In 13-2, they get a separate dlc side story just to themselves. Because I said so. I'm not sure how the plot of this works, but it's basically them exploring Gran Pulse together. Maybe to map things out? Maybe to get better acquainted with the world they thought was a hell their whole lives? Maybe there's some sort of big mission they have to do? We'll figure it out.

Basically, it's a whole side story of them exploring and kicking monster ass together. The combat is regular 13 combat.

Yaag has his sword along with some explosives (we see him carry some grenades at the end when he blew himself up). And Ash also has a sword because I like swords.

In the game, usually only l'Cie, or magic god slaves, can use magic. However, after the fal'Cie (magic gods) go poof at the end of the end of the first game, some normal humans can use magic? It makes no sense and exists only for plot convenience, but I'm not complaining because it makes my plot easier too.

My point is, Ash can use magic! Because A) she's quirky mage material B) we need a balanced team C) Every single version of Ash so far has been a mage. D) I like magic a lot. Would be my go-to as well.

Also, if you're interested in how they work in battle, roles divide up very nicely between them.

Yaag has: -Commando (physical attacks) -Sentinel (beefy tanks) -Sabuteur (debuffing enemies)

Ash has: -Ravager (magic goes brrr) -Medic (i think you know) -Synergist (buffing allies) -Commando (physical attacks)

Maybe Yaag could get medic too to balance off the load in battle? They're a blast in combat because they really do compliment each other.

Anyways, back to the adventure.

It's the two of them traveling around. The main focus of it is their conversations as they travel. There's a lot of fun banter. Ya know how like when you're walking around in Naughty Dog games and your characters are just chatting? Yeah. That.

Their conversations are super random and they cover pretty much every single topic ever. They go from really serious to them just being stupid. I love their friendly banter.

Also, when they set up camp and are about to sleep, we get to see sleepy Yaag in action. And do you know what that means?

It means we get to see Yaag with his hair done a bit looser, maybe even down!!! Yaag with his hair down is all I want to see. It's what we deserve. It's what we need. The day that I see Yaag with his hair down is the day i achieve true happiness LMAO.

It's what we need.

Ash playing with his hair??? Yes, I most definitely think so.

Oh and there is totally a "Yaag, I'm cold." "Allow me to help remedy that. *pulls her closer*" type moment because they're cute like that.

All in all, their travels are really fun. Maybe somewhere around there they run into the protagonists? Either from the first game or the second game. I think that would be a fun mess.

I feel like Yaag can show a softer side of him around her and that makes me really happy. He deserves to be happy and I love him very much.

I think about him all the time, and just the thought of him holding me makes me so happy. He really is just adorable.

Before I wrap this up, I have a few more things I want to speak about! Firstly, allow me to share one of my favorite pictures of him because oh. my. god.

*screams*

The urge to backhug him!!! Ahh!!! He's so cute!!!! I just wanna hold him aelajflanef.

One of my favorite pre-relationship moments from them is this one time where Yaag is pretty down in the dumps, and Ash is talking to him about it and offering her advice. And as she talks, she gently places a hand over his (they're seated side by side btw). He looks up at her in shock, and she takes back her hand is like, "O-oh! I'm so sorry, I should've asked first, I just thought tha-"

And then he just snatches her hand back and gently holds it. You can see the tips of his ears burning red haha! I think that they're pretty cute ajfwnjklef

She always tries her best to take care of him, too! He needs a hug, and she is more than happy to provide. She always tries to remind him to eat his meals on time and such, even if she can be questionable at following her own advice at times. She can also be a bit of a tease sometimes, so he can get pretty annoyed (not really, he thinks it's cute) sometimes.

However, he also does his best to take care of her. Would he pull the "that's an order." card after she refuses to rest, pulling several late-nighters for work? Yeah. Probably. He's very caring, even if he can come off as very serious and scary sometimes.

To wrap things up, I love Yaag Rosch.

Thank you for your time.

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Fri 8 Mar

Louis promo, day two, stunt time. Are we surprised? Some are, some are not. The Dan Wootton interview came out and yeah, anything you might have imagined being in there, it is and it’s worse. But is it a smoking gun proving once and for all that Louis is straight, Freddie is his large child and Eleanor his future wife? I mean...

Let me say first and foremost that it's unpleasant to deal with and if you're feeling upset or anxious, that's totally valid! Trying to reconcile multiple versions of reality and receiving contradictory information from someone you trust is a serious mindfuck and not okay and it's very reasonable to feel bad as a result- it does not make you a bad fan or weak to have these feelings! Please be gentle with yourselves. For me, it helps to analyze and approach the situation logically so let's look at this whole mess. First of all there are two different reasons people are upset-- one is the fear that Louis is telling the truth about everything, the other is being sure that he isn't but having gotten hope up that he wasn't going to have to lie anymore. The first then- was Louis straight all along, is the kid his, does he think larries are crazy, etc? The problem with this scenario is that it's all or nothing- like if you believe him today you have to believe, right out of the box, that he and Harry were never together, and that truly strains the bonds of reality. For me, that's quite a bit harder to swallow than believing that a gay musician might exist and be closeted and lie. I don't have room here to go through everything piece by piece but plenty of blogs are doing that, and there are plenty of plot holes to chase down (the mysterious disappearance of Danielle is especially entertaining, as always), but I think this one major thing is the weak thread that when you pull it, the rest unravels. As for that, the one thing that he doesn't go full anti on in the podcast? Harry. On that subject he says only how good his album was, how much he respects him, that their relationship is one of mutual respect, and how much their relationship has matured. He also talks about how important it was to have the support of his significant other when Jay was dying and while he says he's talking about Eleanor, it's worth mentioning that 1) they theoretically weren't together then 2) she wasn't in the country and 3) Harry was verifiably around (much as he is right now for Louis’ release time). A few other quick takes, sorry for everything I have to leave out- he goes hard on Elounor but is quick to shut down the idea that they might be getting married, the Zouis stuff sucks but wbk this is what it is but he does say he doesn't know if a 1D reunion will be OT4 or OT5 when it for sure happens in the future, and the only actual conspiracy he addresses and denies is that Freddie is a doll.

Anyway moving on to the second issue, that Louis is still having to do this and that the baby narrative is alive and well in the year of our lord 2019, yeah. It sucks. So what is happening? Why is this still happening under the new team and should we hate them now? No! Everything we've seen still stands, they're doing great work for Louis, our boy is releasing his music and it's being appreciated and it's a wonderful thing. ONLY this media outlet is asking about or reporting on this stuff. One other interviewer mentioned Freddie VERY briefly in passing and Louis chose not to acknowledge or respond, and that's it. But Louis is still with Syco, with Simon Jones. And Simon and Dan Wootton are very close, as in personal friends, and SJ loves this narrative, and Wootton loves getting exclusives and he loves this narrative. Is Syco punishing Louis? Are they just very bad at their jobs? Whatever reason, Simon Jones is in charge of UK press and this is definitely him. So are we seeing a clash between the teams? Some interpret the LTHQ tweet (basically, “SOOOOO how about that single??”) shortly after the interview dropped as evidence of this. 

Others point to this morning's weirdly timed emergence of 40 seconds of unseen footage from the most iconic of Larry moments, the Paris Valentine's day interview, after 7 years in a vault. What is up with that? An archive coincidentally deciding to capitalize on Louis’ publicity for clicks now (but not any other time in the last seven years)? SBB in action? Louis’ new team feeding both sides of the fandom at once and trying to keep two grenades in the air without fumbling either? His clever new team subverting the narrative of the old team who still hold sway? Regardless it's cute AF, do recommend. The site suggests there might be 7 more minutes of footage available for a price but it isn't clear if that's more unseen footage or the aired parts. It also isn't clear to me why no one has bought it yet if it's really for sale but maybe they're just closed on the weekend or something.

Moving on (can we please?) my lord, there's so much else to cover. Two Of Us spotify vertical video is out, Jordan Green did an amazing job and it's really lovely, we're absolutely spoiled for video content and we don't even have the main music vid yet. So much unreasonably pretty Louis. Oprah fucking Winfrey is out there promoting Two Of Us! She lists it as NUMBER ONE in a list of songs for Mother's Day that will make you smile which, okay ouch? I don't know about that? But still, WOW. There's a giant billboard of Louis in Times Square!! Amazing. The song is still at number one worldwide (suck it A Star is Born)! A new Louis song has been registered and it's the one he co-wrote in the Secret Genius sessions- could this be the previously mentioned next single? Could they be planning on doing back to back single releases BE STILL MY HEART. LT19 indeed! Louis will be on Graham Norton's radio show Mar 23! Liam posted about Two Of Us! And in the thanks��I guess… column, James Corden and the guy from The Wanted let us know how much they liked the song.

Currently, Louis is out on the town with the usual public event gang, including Eleanor. Ping pong was involved.

AND sorry to relegate yall to a note at the end but, hi Harry, we miss you! He tweeted for international Women's Day, “thank you to all the wonderful women of today yesterday and always“ and followed some badass professional women on IG. Niall also tweeted, “love to all the amazing ladies out there” and took questions on IG, as usual answering candidly and openly and still somehow providing very little information. It really is an amazing talent he has, when he's old enough and finally ready to be president of Ireland it will serve him well in his political career. He does stoke the flames for the new material a bit, saying he's written 40 songs since Jan(!) and that Red Rocks footage is coming.

[kaiofmotunui]

This Ain’t a Fairy Tale | Tikai

Who: @tiaisms & @kaiofmotunui

When: Saturday, May 19th

Where: The Charming Dance Hall

What: Kai comes clean to Tia about his YouTube offer.

Kai couldn't stop fiddling with the collar of his jacket. He hadn't agreed to do anything -- sign any contracts, verbal agreements, nothing -- so none of this was official, so why was he so terrified to tell Tia about his YouTube Red offer? Probably because no matter which way she reacted, he'd lose something he loved. If he stayed, he'd have to kiss this awesome career opportunity goodbye. If he went, he'd have to say goodbye to Tia because that was what they always did when he left town. The only third option that would actually end up well would be if she supported him and he could travel guilt-free which, knowing Tia, was not going to happen. Kai sat at their table, and chugged a plastic cup of punch before she rejoined him from wherever she'd gone. "I got us some punch -- help yourself," he slid a plastic cup across the table, not exactly knowing how to do this. At all.

Tia was secretly kind of happy this was her last prom. As much as she claimed to love this particular dance, she'd totally outgrown high school things in the past year and if it hadn't been for Kai's mandatory attendance, she probably would've forgotten it altogether in favor of planning for the last @ Pack party of the school year. But since she was there, she was still going to have as much fun as possible. After dragging one of her besties out onto the dance floor during a fast girly pop song, Tia returned Kai's side giggly and out of breath. Taking a dainty sip of the offered punch, Tia grinned gratefully and then pulled him in for a super quick non-lipgloss-smudging "thank you" kiss. "See, this is why I love you so much. You're total godsend." She laughed airily before finishing off the rest of the punch.

Kai let out a sigh when Tia kissed him and told him why she loved him. This was going to be so much harder than anticipated, but hey -- maybe since she loved him like she just said, this would all work out. Of course, he said that last summer, too, when they broke up....but this was bound to be different! "Nah, I just know you get thirsty out there on the dance floor," he smirked, crossing his hands in front of him. "So I kind of have some news! And what better way to tell you than right here, under the twinkly lights of this....prom...." He looked around nervously, unable to cut right to the chase. "You wanna hear it now? Or wait til later?" Maybe if he waited til later, he'd catch her all lovey and glowy right after the basically-one-year-anniversary of their first time sex.

Tia immediately tensed up once Kai announced he had news. There couldn't possibly be anything good coming if he was being so nervous to tell her about it. "Tell me now. Are you being held back?" She demanded, with an undeniable edge of hopefulness. Knowing Kai and how he'd only planned to stay in Walt until he graduated high school anyway, Tia had been avoiding thinking about him leaving town with an intensity that only doubled after she'd been "basically abandoned" by her sister. "Are you going bald? Did you forget how to do DJ stuff? Did you cheat on me? Why is prom a good time to tell me about it? It wasn't with one of the Tweevils was it?"

Kai couldn't help but let out a laugh when Tia started rambling. She was so cute. God, that just made it so much harder. "Whoa, whoa, slow down -- none of the above," he smiled sadly, before reaching across the table to take her hand. "You know I'd never cheat on you. Or go bald. But actually, my news isn't all bad, it's actually kind of cool." He sighed, mustering up the courage to just let it fall from his lips. "You know how I just hit two million subscribers on my channel? Well, shortly after I did, I got an email from YouTube Red -- it's like YouTube's Netflix -- and they kind of want to do a series about me. Traveling and making music, since they know I'm graduating soon and will have time to do that. And it wouldn't be forever it would probably just film throughout the summer and have promo throughout the next school year which would only make me be gone for like...a year! And that's not that long, you know? But I haven't said yes or anything yet and I still might not, it's just...on the table. And I figured you should know that it is." He gulped. Now he was the one rambling.

Tia immediately felt sick now that Kai's news was out there. Her worst fear was coming true and he really was leaving because of his youtube channel blowing up and it wasn't even for a lame reason she could understandably be pissed about. This was amazing news for Kai and it would be evil for her to put it down. Fixing her face into her best smile, despite the turmoil bubbling underneath and her months old promise to be more open emotionally. "That's so nice for you! What do you think you'll tell them?" She asked brightly, her hands clenched so tight underneath the table that her nails were biting into her palms.

Kai gulped once more, even more unsettled than he was before now that Tia had actually responded. Because she seemed...suspiciously cool about it. He could have been naive and just took her coolness for what it was and answer her question truthfully, but he had to be cautious because something was telling him that she was just a ticking timebomb waiting to explode about this. "Uh...I don't know! It would be nice to have another year to think about college before I actually go -- if I go -- and you know how much I love to travel and this would be so good for my channel and I'd be getting paid to do what I love so no more peddling vinyl records to people here..." He had to rein it in, for he knew he was saying too many good things about this to even pretend like he was thinking of saying no. "...But you know, if I don't go I've got the radio and you. So it's like, there's really no bad choice here."

Tia unclenched her fist slightly, if only to just avoid breaking the skin. She could just tell by the amount of things he was saying in favor of leaving vs just her and the radio that it wasn't an especially hard choice for him to make. "Yeah, there's no bad choice. I'm super awesome. But five-ish things are more than two, are you really sure that you don't know yet? I mean, how long ago did you hit that two million and you're just telling me now?"

Kai shrugged. "I mean, yeah five is more than two but...one of those two is a huge priority." He paused for a moment. "You -- you're the priority. And like, I wanted to be sure this was something I even wanted to do before I brought it up to you. So that's why I waited so long. And the only reason I'm really even bringing it up now is because it sounds like a better and better idea every day...But I don't want to mess us up. That's like, the last thing I want."

Tia wished she could feel better about the whole thing when Kai called her the priority but she couldn't for the life of her make the sick painful feeling go away. "It's the last thing I want too. But ...I think it will." She admitted softly. "You clearly want to go and I'd be the absolute worst person in the world if I made you stay just so we can stay together. I mean, it's not like we haven't had an exasperation date since you got back last year. I think you should go."

Kai felt his face fall when she said that it was going to mess them up. That alone made him reconsider his almost-made-up mind. "I want to go but I also want to stay!" he shrugged. "But I really want to go. Like, so bad." he pouted, hating himself for the fact that this was so important to him. "I don't want us to have an expiration date, Twinkle. I mean -- we have little slip-ups here and there, but when I come back or stop messing things up, you're always here. I mean, just five minutes ago before I even brought any of this up, we were doing great! I have hope for us."

Tia felt so weird having such an emotionally devastating chat smack in the middle of prom. It was like some kind of surreal nightmare that she'd only have after bingeing on way too much pizza. "Then go Kai! I'm telling you right now to go! I love you so so much, but I... don't think I have hope for us." Tia paused, almost shocked at herself for saying so. "How many times can one couple even break up and make up and still expect to stay together forever? The answer is probably way less times than we've broken up. Besides, I can't handle being ditched twice in one year. Especially not by my sister and boyfriend. So maybe this is a sign that we should just go ahead and end us for good. For good, for good. And on really good terms this time?"

Kai 's heart could have stopped when Tia said she didn't have hope for them. "That's just our thing!" he tried to defend, "You know, we're two big personalities that clash and break up all the time but then we always find our way back..." It was so weird sounding this desperate, but this was the longest they'd ever stayed together, and while he was totally expecting a breakup from this, he wasn't exactly expecting something as permanent as what Tia was describing. He was nearly speechless. "I -- I -- " he stammered, "I don't want this to be over forever. But if you don't think we can make it, then I guess breaking up for good...and on good terms...might be what's right. Even though I think I'll always have hope for us."

Tia was fighting like crazy to keep up a calm pleasant exterior as she basically ripped her heart right out of her chest and smashed it flat on the table. She was sure at least one nail had to have actually broken the skin on her palm but the effort of extending her focus to anywhere that wasn't just her expression or Kai felt impossible to muster. "That's fine, I guess. And I'll always love you but yeah this is what's best for us, I think." She stated robotically, rising up from her seat and bending down to gently press on last kiss to Ksi's cheek. "I'm gonna go find Iz and Sage now. Sorry for ruining your prom and good luck with youtube, okay? Bye." Giving a tiny stiff wave, Tia turned away from Kai and took off to locate her friends before her perfect control wore off and she became a sobbing heap in the middle of the Charming dance hall.

Kai felt his breath hitch, his body freezing to match Tia's stoic tone. He finally snapped himself out of it when she stood and made her way over to him. "Hey," he tried, reachng out for her, "Hey," but there was no stopping as Tia's lips pressed against his cheek for a moment. "No, wait -- I love you too, Twinkle --" But she waved him off and turned around. Kai stood, prepared to run after her, but the way Tia beelined to go find her friends told him that she did not want to be chased. So, instead, he slumped back down in his seat and watched her walk away from him, before he could do that to her. And boy, was it a shitty feeling.

[davidmann95]

It seems Tyler Hoechlin is your favorite live-action Superman, but can you rank the actors from worst to best as you see it (of the current actors, I'm not sold on Hoechlin yet, but I think it has more to do with my dislike of his costume—particularly how the cape attaches—that it distracts me from the character, while Cavill seems to physically look perfect for the part and certainly is capable of the acting and charm, but the script he has to work with is lacking)?

Leaving out Kirk Alyn, John Haymes Newton and Gerard Christopher, since I’m not familiar with their performances:

7. Tom Welling

I feel kind of bad about this one. I grew up watching Smallville, y’know? And in terms of sheer man-hours devoted to the role, Welling has more of a claim to being Superman than anyone other than Bud Collyer. But he…wasn’t great, in retrospect. I suspect it was largely a matter of the material he was given; he did well whenever he actually had something to do, whether as dorky reporter Clark Kent intermittently throughout the final season, or various cases of amnesia/mind control/body-swapping/Red Kryptonite exposure. But outside maybe a sweet spot after he’d grown into the role and before he visibly started to get tired of it, and occasionally when getting to spar with (better) actors like Durance, Rosenbaum, and Glover, he had a weird stiffness when playing regular Clark Kent that for the most part didn’t translate into charm once he couldn’t bank on teen awkwardness anymore, and while that frankly made him a pretty honest depiction of the increasingly dicey version of the character he was written as, it didn’t make for a great take on Superman.

6. Henry Cavill

Cavill’s been more let down by the material than anything else - the unfortunate unifying factor of the bottom three here. When the movies let him be great, he really is great, whether promising Martha that he isn’t going anywhere even after learning the truth about Krypton or fighting for the stories he believes in against Perry White. For the most part though he just seems to be called on to look varying degrees of sad and solemn, asked to call on none of the charm he showed in, say, The Man From U.N.C.L.E. Granted his Superman has a lot to be down about, but there’s no range on display here; I don’t doubt he’s got a great take on the character in him, but for now it’s being kept under wraps.

5. Brandon Routh

Of all the reasons Superman Returns was such a damn shame, maybe the biggest was that it buried any chance of seeing the performance out of Brandon Routh that he so clearly had to offer. He’s a great dorky Clark, a charming Superman, and when the stars line up just right, he really manages to capture the idea of Superman as a melancholy figure - his take doesn’t just seem to be bearing the weight of the world in the philosophical abstract, but much more palpably feels an entire planet crying out for him, knowing he can never save them all but always trying anyway out of unconditional love, very much in line with Garth Ennis and John McCrea’s take on him in Hitman. Unfortunately all that takes up maybe 10-15 minutes of runtime, spending the rest of the movie stalking his ex with a neutral expression until he gets shived by Kevin Spacey and regurgitates Brando at his secret kid. Superman Returns was weird, ya’ll.

4. Dean Cain

I was honestly surprised with myself when I decided Cain won out as the best of the rest outside the big three - I thought for sure it’d be Routh. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that while Routh’s take is definitely closer to the version of Superman I had in my head, it’s compromised in a way the Superman of Lois & Clark never was: like the take or not, this is a perfect realization of the Superman the creators of the show clearly had in mind. His Clark’s funny, clever, warm, and vulnerable, and while it feels weird for him to be acting that way in the glasses these were the Byrne years, so as an expression of his ‘real’ self it’s pretty on-point. His Superman’s the weaker end, stilted even given it’s supposed to be him putting on a performance in-universe, but there’s such an unironic earnestness there that it typically slid back into charming.

3. George Reeves

I thought for awhile about 2 and 3, ultimately concluding that what was asked of George Reeves was a fair deal simpler. He didn’t much differentiate between Superman and Clark, and his booming radio announcer voice made clear we weren’t supposed to be measuring his performance in terms of whether or not he seemed like a real person. What he was called on to show though, and what he had out the wazoo, was raw charisma. When Jimmy asks him why he burst through a wall rather than using a door and Superman replies with a grin “Well, this seemed a little more spectacular,” you’re 100% willing to buy into that explanation, because yeah, it was spectacular, because Superman’s fantastic. And he could more than hold his own with the best of them when asked to work with more serious material, whether wandering through an amnesic fog in Panic In The Sky with only his instinctive decency to guide him, or here, in the final scene of The Dog Who Knew Superman, where Clark has to deal with a dog not only adoring him, but recognizing him in both identities:

2. Christopher Reeve

I gave Tom Welling his well-earned due earlier, but if you really want to talk about a guy with a solid claim to being Superman, Christopher Reeve didn’t just embed himself on the psyche of a generation, but is still held up today as the unequivocal standard by which the role is set. In all likelihood he’ll always be ‘the’ Superman, in the same way as Sean Connery will always be James Bond, and Bela Lugosi will always be Dracula. He shone like the sun in the costume, he was believably such a wimpy klutz out of it that no one would guess they were the same even when it was staring them in the face, and if anyone has any lingering suspicions that he just had the easy task of playing two extremely arch roles to the hilt, they might be forgetting this bit:

Was it perfect? I don’t know about that - if nothing else there were one or two awkward line readings, and the identity division is so sharp that it’s hard to tell when you’re getting a glimpse of the real guy underneath all the identities. But while I definitely question how much of a positive impact on Superman those movies themselves really had in the long run, Reeve’s performance on its own was an undeniable revelation, everything he did reverberating with such a sincere and powerful sense of decency and love for his fellow man that it not only brought Superman to the life, but frankly changed him forever for the better.

1. Tyler Hoechlin

I expected nothing out of this guy. Not that I by any means thought he’d be bad, but when I heard some dude from Teen Wolf was gonna appear on an episode or two of Supergirl, my reaction was about as intense as…well, what you’d expect upon hearing that some dude from Teen Wolf was showing up on Supergirl, even given who he was playing (granted I’ve never seen Teen Wolf and don’t actually especially know what Teen Wolf is, beyond that it’s based on that werewolf-playing-basketball 80s movie written by…wait, Jeph Loeb?!). Looked fine - and it became clear he actually really did look the part once behind-the-scenes pictures started to come out, rather than that godawful original promo picture - and I figured he’d belt out his best Reeve/Animated Series/Cartoon-on-the-side-of-a-cereal-box brand Generic Superman Performance to cheer Kara on before vanishing into the sunset forever outside of the opening credits. I was plenty interested in the potential long-term ramifications of Superman being allowed on TV again in any capacity for the first time since the 90s, given the influence that suggested Geoff Johns had as the new DC President and what that could mean in terms of other characters showing up down the line, but I wasn’t inclined to think of this as anything other than a stepping stone, only notable in its own right because it meant someone would be wearing the s-shield.

Then we actually saw him.

Where the hell has this guy been all these years? Was he grown in a goddamn laboratory for the part? How did the best Superman ever end up in a minor recurring guest spot on the CW Supergirl show?

It would be so, so easy to leap to the idea that he simply works as a jack-of-all-trades: he’s almost as charming as Reeve, just about as confident as Reeves, nearly as vulnerable as Cain. But that would be selling what he’s doing short - especially given that he probably hasn’t had the opportunity to stretch as far as he could in any of those directions, as his role so far has very much been as Supergirl’s backup dancer. What it comes down to is his general demeanor and how he incorporates those aspects into a whole that feels more fully-realized than any portrayal before him. His Superman and Kent are not only distinctive to the point that within the heightened reality the show occupies you can buy that people think of them as different people, but you can see threads from both of them connecting back to the real Clark you see around Kara. He’s open and warm and authentic in a way none of his predecessors quite were, and he’s able to turn on a dime into steely determination or outright fury while remaining recognizable. He’s above everyone’s heads and vaguely alien at times without ever seeming detached or less than entirely loving of the people around him, able to admit his fears and failings while staying strong and capable of changing for the better, utterly and palpably good without ever sliding into naivete or cartoonishness. In short he has range and nuance, and thanks to that along with the air of laid-back friendliness he brings with him, he more than anyone else to put on the suit feels like a real person. And somehow, that real person feels as much as anyone ever has like Superman. And that’s a hell of an achievement. So someone give him his own goddamn show already.

[praphit]

Top BA's of 2017

Party people! It is time once again! to celebrate those who have been kicking that booty all year long. I'm talking about the Top BA's of the year! 　

Here's last year's list

These are the people who in real life would/should probably require serious counseling and or prison time due to their psychotic behavior, BUT, in our minds and fantasies , they have what we all inspire to have and always want more of... BADASSERY! 　

Same rules as always

1) Must be relevant!

2) Must have mad skeeulz!

3) Must be willing to bend or break the rules when necessary (so people like my main man Tom Brady, though he is relevant and has discovered the secret to never-ending success, domiance, and vitality... which is marrying a supermodel, being rich, and being white... I don't think we'd label him as "badass". "Great!" "Lucky!" - but not "badass". You get the point).

Big love to last year's #1 - Black Panther! He'll probably be back up here in 2018 with all he's got going on.

I think there's more black people in this movie than all of the movies that have come out this year (#hollywoodsowhite... but anyway:)

Now, before we get started, here are some Honorable Mentions: 　

The Rock - always an honorable mention (this year for Instagram and Jumanji), but never quite makes it on the list. Perhaps his suggested run at the white house might change that.

Mayweather & McGregor - a bit of a joke, but badass in their promo and in the fact that this thing even happened and was a success!

Star Wars: The Last Jedi (in general) - the force is kinda cheating though isn't?? - that's the only thing keeping any of them off the list. It's like steroids in a way.

All of the brave women (and some men) who have come forward so far and have called out perverted, powerful leaders in Hollywood. #metoo has been so impactful. It's an empowering time in women's rights.

Jesus - no not The Christ; having Him on this list would be unfair, cuz He'd always be #1. I mean Jesus from The Walking Dead. Still too pretty to make the list though. I really hope he gets turned into a zombie, but they let him walk about... being "Zombie Jesus" - that would make me smile so big. Kaepernick, mainly for his hair.

And Pennywise the Clown ("IT") - though he mainly picks on children. Step yo adult killer game up and you'll be on the list. 　

And with that! WE BEGIN! The Top BA's of 2017 are...

#10 - The Hulk

He's always on this list! - that speaks to his popularity and to his badassery, due to the fact that he was merely a sidekick in Thor 3. If he had his own movie (done with more talent and story around him this time) he'd surely be #1, and maybe even win an Oscar (it could happen, right?? Would you want to upset the big guy at the Oscars??).

Of course he's so distracted; running and lusting after that ScarJo lady... granted, that's our collective problem isn't it?? 　

#9 - Batman

Usually he's higher on the list. This time around, he's so old... and a little bit pudgy, you know?? - in the face?? - he's still fit and all, but he's probably been visiting the bar more than the gym.

And as they say, Father Time defeats us all in the end. Still though, he's badass enough to bring a team of super powered people together and make him their leader (even though it's debatable if they even need him), man enough to swoon Wonder Woman even though she could probably render him unconscious with a hefty sneeze, plus the city of Gotham still fears his old ass.

"Batman: The Senoir Years" they'll bring George Clooney back to play him... ... let me stop making fun of him, before he finds me and shows me why he's #9 on this list. 　

#8  - Eleven 　

She looks like she has been hanging around all of the wrong people lately. A moody, emo teen with super powers and a growing hatred towards the government. She just needs the right training to climb higher on the list. Where's Professor Xavier??

Well... unless he too gets caught up in the Harvey Weinstein storm. Can you imagine? - let's not imagine. 　

#7 -   Arya Stark

If this were a top ten scary people list, she'd be towards the top! She can best most people in combat who are two to three times her size. Plus, more pertinently, she cuts peoples faces off, and wears them as masks!

THINK ABOUT WHAT I JUST SAID!

I don't know about y'all, but when I was a teen, I was into girls, hiphop, and video games. I wasn't slicing folks up... I guess that's a win for my parents. 　

#6 - John Wick

Chapter 1 - they killed his dog, and he shot up half the city

Chapter 2 - they took his car, and he shot up the other half of the city For the good of humanity, people need to leave this man alone. But, for the good of badass entertainment (that's a good title, I wish that were a thing), please keep messing with this man.

Lord help us if he ever moves to my hometown (Baltimore), where people are guaranteed to ruin your day. He might literal burn this place down to the ground. He'd do it stylish and badass though! 　

Now let's take a break from all of this talk of violence, and bask in the cuteness of puppies.

Aww, right??! I'm going to get one soon; maybe a bunch! I think there's some study out there that suggests puppies are the cure for anger management problems. Perhaps everyone on this list just needs a puppy.

Seriously though... picture me holding a pug:) Is the world ready for that cuteness? - time will tell. 　

Now back to violence! 　

#5 -  Thor 　

Once way too pretty and lame to be on this list, but in Thor 3 my man gets a makeover. He started off the movie in a place that looks like one would think Hell would look, and he beats a super demon type character, and then snatches him away as a trophy. Imagine somebody walking onto a Hollywood set, beating up The Rock, and simply dragging him off. A person so badass that not only can The Rock not stop him, but security, cops, SWAT... nobody can stop him; we just have to let it happen.

Then, Thor lives some life, goes through some shit! - loses his dad, loses his hammer, loses his pretty hair, loses an eye, loses his home, gets his ass kicked by his sister (and normally he'd lose badass points for getting beat up by Cate Blanchett... that's like an mma fighter getting beat up by a soccer mom... you can't live that down BUT Cate happens to be the goddess of death! - I always suspected that! That's like a soccer mom possessed by ten demons!) - but that doesn't keep him down.

After all of that drama, Thor bounces back to not only save the day, not only save his people, but takes charge as well. BAD ASS! 　

#4 -  Logan

We already knew that Wolvy is badass! But, this year we got this badass mutant man in his first (and maybe his last) rated R flick. Despite seeing his badassery without censorship, he's not this high on the list due to his fighting skills. Similiar to Thor, he's on this list due to how he has endured! When we see Logan in the beginning of the movie, he's driving around annoying (possibly drunk) teens as a limo driver. We're talking about a man who has battled against Magneto, battled against the Dark Phoenix, saved the world... THE WORLD! - and has now been reduced to a chauffeur for drunk teens.

He has endured that awful first "Wolverine" movie.

And most of all, he has endured the future... and the future is not bright! Prof. X's dream is dead. With all that, we also have complex emotions going on. I ain't saying "Oscar", but this is one of my fave movies of the year:

Taking care of his recently found kid, looking after a group of kids (a lot of father's don't even want to spend time with THEIR kids, let alone a group of strangers). PLUS, the caretaker for a senile, out-of-control Xavier! - all of this while carving up bodies under that R rating. He was a badass nanny! 　

#3 - Wonder Woman 　

Let's face it.... WW was a joke back in the day. Chasing after criminals with no pants on, all glittery, with her boobs popping out - she was stripper. A super stripper, but still a stripper. They turned that bad joke into an awesome force of heroism. Not only is she the best thing going on in DC Comic movies right now, but she is debatably their best fighter.

There will certainly not be any sexual harassment going on in the Justice League (unless it's by WW). Anyone with wandering hands or eyes won't leave in good shape; we'll say that. If I had a choice between learning badass moves from an old, drunken, worn batman... or stylish, bold, strategic Wonder Woman? TODAY, i'd choose WW. 　

#2 - King Kong 　

Y'all forgot about this 2017 movie didn't you?? I reviewed Kong's movie earlier in the year. I talked about him ruling the island. If you think about it, he could be viewed as a representation of power men in Hollywood over the decades. Powerful, seemingly untouchable, fierce, and always chasing after some woman. But, let's not focus on the figurative:)

LITERALLY SPEAKING, he is an unstoppable force. If you're on Kong Island, he is your king. Remember how when Trump became president and people were like #notmypresident? - yeah, Kong is having none of that. He will fight and beat whomever he wants, he will bang whomever or whatever he wants, and no one can stop him. Sam L Jackson leading a force of gov't troops with big guns couldn't stop him!

Jesus (The Christ) said (paraphrase) that if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, that mountains will move for you. Kong can smash mountains pieces and throw them in any direction he pleases. Not only is Kong your king when you're in his presence, but he is your god! He will rescue you or smash you. He holds the power!

Isn't that kinda like the American Way? We want to conquer. We want to do it our way. We want the title "king". BOW BEFORE KING KONG OR I WILL SMASH YOU! "sigh" - what am I doing?? :) Let me hurry up and give Kong the #2 spot before I disgust myself and snatch it away. 　

Finally! #1 - After watching his recent Netflix series it was no contest for the top spot.

THE PUNISHER

Especially the last few episodes. He's not only shooting up EVERYBODY, but he's destroying people with sledgehammers, running people over, blowing people up, decapitating people, taking those heads and filling them with explosives, kicking said heads at his enemies, disfiguring people... I mean, there were moments I needed to look away.

I mean DAMN PUNISHER, they get the point... they won't do it again! He's like, "damn right they won't do it again." If it's a battle between The Punisher and King Kong, I'm going Punisher. He would find a big gun to take him down, and do so in horrific fashion.

The funny thing is that techinically The Punisher is under the Disney umbrella. I'm picturing the Disney crew having fun at a party, laughing it up, and in walks The Punisher with a necklace of ears, holding a severed head (possibly of a DIsney character), and smoking a cigar. He sits down and tell Mickey to get him a beer, and that mouse had damn sure better do it!

BADASS! BADASS! BADASS! 　 　

[whenimgoodandready]

What up Starlings! 

O.M.G! That TV movie was AWESOME! Damn! All that magic and sadness and death! F*ck! This is what keeps me coming back! Did you guys miss me? (bats lashes). Well, here, in my new and improved reviews, you’ll be seeing A LOT more of these in the Fall. Like the new frames? Cute huh, I’m adding in pictures like I said. The new theme song opening looks good and we almost have all of Team Star in the end! (I’m waiting for Jackie, Alfonzo, Ferguson and Starfan13 to show up) and I’ve been reblogging promos and countdowns til the Season 3 premiere! Now, since The Battle for Mewni is a mass up of the first four episodes of Season 3 (Three 2 11-minute segments and a half hour one), I’ll be splitting them in groups. This’ll be a long one, so Enjoy! 

*Return to Mewni-The beginning starts off where we last left off, Marco has fallen into a depression over Star gone and has become Miss Havisham and leaving the party decorations still up. Poor guy. Star was seeing the whole thing with her wand and once she came back to Mewni, she and her mother were dragging the Magic High Commissions dead bodies as balloons. That’s some dark comedy sh*t right there. They were on their way to a sanctuary where they’ll be revived (minus Lekmet). Unfortunately, the fritz was at it again and practically all magic is gone. Even the magic well springs that was supposed to bring the commission back is corrupted and Moon tries to stop Star from using her wand since she thinks its linked with the shard piece on Ludo’s hand now. It’s getting serious. Moon has no plan other than keeping Star outta harms way and hiding while carrying around Toffees finger, but Star gets upset by that saying they should just go out and fight Toffee. Moon says it’s too dangerous, but Star isn’t having any of it and tries to leave. Star sure is brave since this is the evil genius who almost killed Marco, but she thinks it’ll be easy like how she “finished him off” before, but it’s serious now. What we also learn here is Toffee killed Moons mother! Yes, the promo spoiled it for us, but yeah, he did. He killed Skywynne. Star only got the “dead dog farm” story of it, but now she knows. We also learn that Eclipsa, the Queen Formally Known As Spades, is alive! And that Moon made a deal with her! Yes, that was spoiled in the promo too, but damn it! We the fandom were starving for svtfoe!. Also, some one with eyes of a hawk saw that from “Crystal Clear”, so yeah.

*Moon the Undaunted-In here, we get the backstory on Moon when she was Stars age. Huh, looks like Skywynne wasn’t her mother (she had Butterfly cheek marks whereas Skywynnes was hourglasses). Well, that was a surprise to me. I didn’t see her in the tapestry room or the book (Star and Marco’s Guide to Mastering Every Dimension), but then again, either was that bunny girl. I don’t know how this family tree works. Anyways, her mother was already dead and she is now the new Queen. So much pressure on her as she doesn’t know what to do, so the commission tries to help. One half yells they should go to war with the monsters whereas the other half yells to sign the peace treaty with the monsters (and others yell just for the yelling of it) Finally, a young River says they should just let Moon decide what to do (FYI, he’s the only one on her side). Some dude named Count Mildrew says she should be grieving at this time, but she says she’ll decide later. I know the feeling of being put on the spot and not knowing what to say, especially if the people won’t shut up about it. It wasn’t pretty. There was this tiny love triangle goin’ on with Mildrew/Moon/River, but we know who the victor was (that Mildrew guy was so dramatic). She has Rhombulus take her to Eclipsas’s crystal imprisonment (I don’t know how they caught her when she fled with her monster lover or even where he is), so she can tell her how to do the dark spell, but if she does destroy her enemy (Note:Aim at the heart), Eclipsa will be free. Unsure about it, but desperate to get revenge for her mother, Moon agrees to it. Eclipsa was voiced by Esmé Bianco for those of you in the Game of Thrones fandom and like one fan suggested, she was the sweet and polite perky goth type. Is she really evil? We don’t know? Alls I know is she has black/purple veins on her arms hence the gloves (Moon gained those too when she made the deal which why she had the gloves too) and was stuck in the crystal for three centuries! Moon then goes over to enemy territory and asks for The General. Toffee was The General! TOFFEE WAS THE GENERAL! TOFFEE WAS THE GENERAL! Damn! No wonder he was boss-like! Before the peace treaty could be signed by Moons mother with the monster king, Toffee went rogue and killed the Queen. Don’t know why, but he did. When the monsters refuse to leave, Moon casts the dark spell and blasts Toffee’s heart finger!………yeah, she missed. (clap) That’s (clap) why (clap) he (clap) can’t (clap) grow (clap) it (clap), back! Once that happens, the monsters freak out and scurry away and Toffee just angrily walks away. Back then, the wand was in one piece, so the monsters had something to fear. Especially in the hands of someone capable. After that, Moon had to give up her teenhood and take responsibility as Queen making her the stern and mature woman she is now. Poor girl.

———————————–

*Book be Gone-In the end of the first hour of the TV movie, Ludo’s girls (eagle and spider) return to him and bring him tacos. Here’s what I’m confused about, how the Hell did they get to Mewni when they were last seen on Earth at the taco place last season? Seriously, how!?. Ludo wakes up and finds his wand now a part of his hand. For those of you who forgot, Toffee possessed him and killed off the Magic High Commission, so he’s left with a hangover from all that. We also find out that Glossaryck is still around! Ludo Toffee had told him to hide and he was now (and throughout the rest of that time) trying to roast pudding over a fire…………..you know, if I were him, I’d just jab a stick through the pudding cup and have boiling bubbling chocolate soup! But he was doin’ it the hard way. He tells Ludo “he (Ludo)” defeated the commission and wants to document it in the spellbook (ignoring his wand hand on goin’ after The Butterfly Castle). However, the spellbook resists Ludo trying to write in it, no matter how hard he tries. Apparently, he doesn’t own the book anymore (Toffee does since he’s now a part of Ludo, but he doesn’t know about it still). After being blasted by the book and walking hundreds and hundreds of lands to get back, Glossaryck says to just talk to the book……..XD THAT PART WAS HILARIOUS! He failed to understand the concept of “turning this car around” and was being so sincere and sweet with it. At first, I thought the book would actually talk back, but it turns out, XD Glossaryck was just screwing with him like he always does! Pissed off about it, he throws the book into the fire destroying it ALONG WITH GLOSSARYCK! AND HE SAW IT COMMING! (okay, so during the hiatus, I found out Glossaryck sees into the future which is why I think he’s so unfeeling and a trickster. There’s no surprise in life for him, so he makes them himself!). Toffee gained control of Ludo again to watch him burn and afterwards, Ludo was sad to see Glossaryck go. So now, we have another character dead. Damn! Well, he wasn’t really my fav character (or in the top five), so good-bye Glossaryck. His wand hand gestures to Butterfly Castle again and Ludo decides to attack it. Don! Don! Don!

*Marco and the King-With the castle under King Rivers watch, he spends the whole time partying with his subjects. Wake up, dive in pool, twirl glow sticks, chair wrestle with monkey, lather, rinse, repeat. Dude, your wife and daughter are out and possibly in danger and you’re throwing a castle party!? WTF!? But then I found out why (it’s his coping mechanism for his worries). Marco shows up with his dimensional scissors (which he oh so earned from “Running with Scissors” and getting over his depression) to give Star her fav cereal. Really Marco? That’s why you showed up? Are you sure it’s not cuz you miss her and not cuz you want her to have a nutritious balanced breakfast? And did he tell his friends, Jackie or even his parents where he’s goin? Do they even know he’s gone? IDK? He sees that with River partying all the time, he’s failed to see that his kingdom and people are living in filth and disaster as well as a monster outside of it! He tries to shoo away the monster, but that just makes him come toward him as the people freak out and call River out on being a lousy king. River then goes through his depression. Marco tries to ask where Moon and Star are (cuz he still doesn’t the know the danger that’s goin’ on), but apparently, they never told him where they were goin! WTF IS UP WITH THE BUTTERFLIES KEEPING EVERYONE IN THE DARK!? Okay, yes, an evil genius lizard guy possessing a little bird man with a magic wand hand is scary and you don’t want them to freak out, but you have to at least tell your husband! So Marco tells him to buck up and take charge since he’s all they have now. River gives his people a sort of Kings Speech and tells his subjects that they don’t need magic/weapons to stop the monster that’s getting closer now cuz they’re all great at whatever they do (huh, sounds like Stars speech to her classmates over the whole possum thing). This time, they cheer and charge toward the monster. River stands against it and it turns out, the monsters bad at reading hand gestures thinking the king asked him to “come here” instead of “go away”. Womp! Womp! Womp! XD That was hilarious too! Seeing it was a misunderstanding, the monster annoyingly walks away. River decides to throw one last party to celebrate all of them and they’re love for him returns………..then Ludo shows up!

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*Puddle Defender-Back to Star and her mother, they were still in the sanctuary, but the place got flooded up by the black goo from the magic well springs and were forced to leave the Magic High Commission to escape. With no safe place, Star decides to bring her mother and herself to Buff Frogs to crash. Moon was unsure about it since he’s a monster, but Star says he’s on their side. Buff Frog heard rumors that Ludo took over Butterfly Castle, but Star corrects him saying he’s actually Toffee possessing him. Moon refuses to have Star and herself leave to see if King River is okay and to stay put. Star secretly tells Buff Frog to distract her mother while she escapes to save her kingdom. He does so by playing board games (in a magical parody style of Hasbro gamings) with her. Can I just say how weird it is that Mewni has some modern things despite their dimension being medieval? I mean, they had vending machines WAY BACK during Eclipsa’s time (which was like Victorian era) and not to mention that Quest Buy place!? And yet, Star had no idea what a light switch was!? WTF!? During the game, Moon and Buff Frog get into a heated argument about which one of them is the “bad guy” of their people with Moon saying she’s actually scared for her husband and daughter trying to keep her safe and ends it by saying Buff Frog doesn’t understand cuz he’s not a good parent. OOOOOOH! Bad idea Moon, bad idea. Buff Frog gets offended by that cuz he reminds her he has tadpoles that he’s worried about them and to prove his parental status, he rats out Star JUST AS SHE WAS OUT THE DOOR and he and Moon send her upstairs. Star gets upset by all this and wants out, but Buff Frog had a security system put up (did he make it by hand or buy it?). However, the tadpoles, (who have now grown arms except Katrina) help her escape from a secret hatch in their room. Out of all of them, Katrina gained speech, but hadn’t told her father yet. They say they escape to go clubbing (uh, kids, how old are you guys?). When Katrina asks what Stars plan is, she says she’ll just wing it………..okay, as slightly mature as Star is now that she’s learned not to run away from her problems and to just face them, but charging in is still not a good plan! So she heads forth to her (former) castle………..possibly to her doom.

*King Ludo-With Ludo now king, he had River and Marco shackled in the dungeon while he fails at gaining the love from the Mewmens as his subjects. His merchandise isn’t even selling! (you know, Ludo, if the Mewmens won’t buy any of that stuff, we the fandom would be OH SO happy to take it off your hands, I mean, after all, we’re on the third season right now and we still got nothing out of it, all I have is the book! WE NEED THAT SH*T!). Ludo then goes over to River and gives him 24 hours to decide if he’ll help him or not at forcing the Mewmens to love him. Marco escapes through his shackles (Ludo had butter to slip the key around his neck that he left behind), but leaves River (he ate the butter >:( ). Marco goes through the air vent (yes, they have that on Mewni too) and crawls through until he gets to the royal bedroom. There he finds the castle entertainers: Ruberiot (Hello, Patrick Stump!), Fool Duke and a Mime. They tell him that since Ludo took over, they’ve been hiding around the castle and only come out when Ludo’s not around to eat/bathe/sleep in the royal bedroom. Marco tells them that they should do something about Ludo, but they’re just artists who all hate each other (well, Ruberiot and Fool Duke mostly, cuz they (and Ludo) say that only the Mime is an “artistic genius”. You know how on tvtropes.org they say Everybody Hates Mimes, fu*ck that, this one’s cool). When Ludo catches Marco, he quickly puts on a Ludo mask (which like every other merch of them was a “no sell”) pretending to be an entertainer, the others follow suit and distract Ludo with a song about how great he is while Marco tries to get the key around Ludo’s neck. Ruberiot and Fool Duke get into a fight and Ludo tries to seize them, but they escape (they got the key!). They return to River only for him to say that he wants to stay by his people. The entertainers escape through the sewers while Marco pretends to still be shackled and Ludo takes away River. Marco then escapes through the sewer too. River refuses to obey Ludo’s orders and so Ludo levitates him away (it’s the only spell he knows) in the sky! Is he dead too!? WHY IS EVERYBODY DYING!? Now the Mewmens fearfully are forced to love Ludo. Marco then tells the entertainers it’s now time to fight! WHOOP! WHOOP!

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*Toffee-Ludo continues to rule over Mewni and forces them to love even goin’ as far as putting up portraits of his “greatness” and having choir kids sing about it. Until, his wand hand levitates them into the sky. (sigh) another one bites the dust (what’s the matter Toffee, don’t like good music?). Are you guys keeping a death count in this cuz I think I counted six. Anyway, Star attacks Ludo (in a rat suit) demanding to know where her father is, but his spider retrains her (I had a dream days before the TV movie premiered that Star was tied up, and now, it happened! Weird, I have like psychic dream powers!). Star tries to tell Ludo that his wand hand (which she is now discovering) is Toffee controlling him, but he ignores her and throws her in the dungeon (he actually wanted to kill her, but his wand hand said otherwise). A guy in a mouse suit comes in and rescues her. IT’S MARCO! (huh, guess it wasn’t so stupid wearing an animal costume to attack since Marco thought of it too. Great minds think a-like!). After months of no starco (for us fans that is) ✨they’re reunited at last!��🎶Reunited and it feels so good, reunited cuz you understood🎶 They don’t bring up the whole crush thing cuz they got more important stuff to deal with. She isn’t all that worried about her dad (he’s been through worse, but uh, Star, HE COULD BE DEAD!) and Marco calls up the entertainers saying they’ve become Le Resistance! Before they all could put they’re plan into action (which wasn’t really that good), Ludo shows up and shackles the resistance, but takes Star with him. He tells her she’s right about his wand hand controlling him and wants Toffee out cuz he’s freaked out by it! Star sees he’s serious and redoes The Whispering Spell! Buff Frog and Moon show up to rescue Marco, but leave behind the resistance (they really weren’t much help) and go find Star. She had already finished The Whispering Spell and 💥BOOM!💥 tower blows up! Marco, Moon and Buff Frog look through the remains and find Ludo, but with Star speaking through him. She’s inside the wand! The inside of the wand was filled with black goo! (Wait! Hold up! Daron, how does this wand thing work!? I mean, we’ve seen it as a treadmill for unicorns, an apartment for Stars spells and a memory world, but now a pool full of black goo!? Is it cuz of the corruption!? Even if I have the book I still don’t get it!). Star loses contact with her Moon and the pool makes a giant form of Toffee! (you know, on the day of the premiere, I was at the La Brea tar pits looking at black goo and then I come home to see this black goo. Wow! Crazy coincidence). He tells Star that the black goo is dark magic with a few golden glowing bits of good magic left………which are slowly disappearing! Toffee talks through Ludo to Moon and says he’ll give Star back in exchange for his finger which she agrees to. Once that happens, Ludo forms into Toffee back in one piece and barfs out Ludo (ew!). Unfortunately, the transformation destroyed the shard piece on Toffees hand leaving Star dead! (Hey Death! Scratch another one off your list!). Toffee doesn’t care about that and walks off. Wait, was this his plan all along? ALL THAT just so he could get his finger back!? Or did he want to make Moon suffer like he did before!? What a heartless bastard! (although I’m real happy to have seen him in his normal form with his fancy business suit again! ;) ). The good magic is gone and either Moons dark spell or Marco giving him a power punch can stop him. (Toffee you are just too cool!). It’s still heart wrenching though that they’re miserable with Star gone. Poor Ludo, he even felt bad that throughout all this (since Season 2) he had no part in being powerful other than a vessel :’(. Btw, where was Toffee goin’ cuz I was kinda curious on that. Star was still in the black goo when she sees the last bit of glowing gold good magic! It kept disappearing and reappearing to Star until she sees it at the bottom and drowns! Moon desperately tries to piece the shards ashes onto the wand, but it was no good. Sad, real sad. Star wakes up in an empty black room with Glossaryck and a pot of boiling stew. Star asks if they’re dead, but Glossaryck doesn’t know (you know, this reminds me of when Harry Potter and Dumbledore were in that empty white room place unsure if they were dead too). Are they dead? Cuz it looked to me that way, there was an insane number of deaths in this TV movie! Star sees the last bit of good magic deep in the bottom of the stew and realizes that Glossaryck is testing her again (was he though?), so she dips down! Good magic returns and it fills up the magic well springs reviving the Magic High Commission! The wand flies up and forms into a whole piece again with Star doing a transformation sequence (A-la, Sailor Moon style) in her golden mewberty form! With that power up, she blasts Toffee! She powers down to normal and everyone is thrilled to have her back. Awwwwww. Toffee, as a skeleton covered in melting black goo (well this sure got passed the radar for a kids show), tries to stop him again only to be finished off by Ludo! Yes, Ludo! By pushing a pillar on him. Soooooooooo, Toffee is officially “gone”! (I’m gonna miss him……..again!). Ludo then has Star throw him back into the abyss to find himself again (I don’t blame him, all this time he thought he was finally competent on his own when really it was all Toffee). Does this mean we’ll have a “Ludo in the Wild Part 2”?. He let’s his eagle and spider go free and Star throws him away into the abyss again (with chips). In the end, eagles descend and bring in the choir kids and King River! Turns out, there was an eagle kingdom up there where he became a king there too! Damn, that’s like double royalty! All is happy and well until Moon remembers Eclipsa and goes to check up on her. Remember kids, if Toffee dies, she’ll be free. Moon is relived she’s still crystallized and leaves. She really didn’t want Eclipsa out due to her being “evil”, but the crystal cracked! Don! Don! Don!

Okay people, I got a confession to make, I KNEW NOBODY WOULD ACTUALLY DIE IN THE SHOW! C’MON, I saw the new intro and everybody was there! The only one that actually died was Toffee (still sucks cuz he’s a fan favorite), so I was just acting like it was a big deal to spice up the review! Lol! They wouldn’t kill off the main character like that! What kind of show is that!? So what happened here is this: The Magic High Commission is back (minus Lekmet), Eclipsa will be busting out soon and we’ll be getting her backstory, Ludo is redeemed (I think) and Toffee is officially dead dead! Personally, I don’t really believe he’s dead, cuz he’s too cool of a badass villain (and I’m sure Daron knows that too) to just be killed off like that so quickly, but if he’s not dead, then there would be no other reason why Eclipsa would be coming back. So now that that whole battle is over, does that mean Star will be goin’ back to Earth or stay in Mewni for more queen training? Well, the Season 3 intro looked to be set in Mewni, so it’s the latter and that means Marco will be playing the role of the “foreign exchange student” now. More importantly, how are they gonna continue they’re friendship with an open one-sided crush!? I mean, the blood moon was in the intro too, so I’m guessing that’ll be brought up again cuz I wanna hear what they have to say about the whole soul bonding thing! And how the Hell did Janna end up in Mewni? Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo many questions still left uncovered! And Heinous! OMG! She’s gonna be up to something too. Fall could not come any slower than this, but you’ll be seeing me and my new reviews once again and it’s gonna be fun! Reviews is what I do ;). I absolutely ❤️LOVE❤️ the new outro theme music! So Sailor Moon-esque. I know Daron was inspired by that show to make svtfoe since it’s from her childhood and so was mine <3. Thank you, Daron and keep up the good work! I’ll be around! See you guys in the Fall!

[lauraxxtennant]

don juan in soho

Review & lots of spoilers below

Ok. So, you guys know by now that I was, let’s say, cautious about several aspects of this play prior to seeing it.

I was completely turned around on one of those things, though, and this was the inclusion of music/dance numbers and an actual. Duet. Between dt and adrian. This duet was the highlight of my night. I know!!! That’s bonkers!!! I thought I was going to find this the most embarrassing moment of my life, and yet!!!!!

Let me be clear, I love musicals. I love plays. I don’t usually find it beneficial to the material when a play tries to shoehorn in a musical number. I usually think it’s best for straight plays to leave the musicals down the road to their singing and dancing, and just act the damn thing. Added to this, the fact that david tennant is clearly desperate to be in a musical lmao made me think, ‘oh god, this is gonna be a disaster, he can’t sing, it’s gonna be embarrassing.’ HOWEVER. I fully admit that he sounded good tonight. Really really good. DJ & Stan basically get stoned and sing a (brief, TOO BRIEF) semi-romantic duet under the stars at the end of act one. It’s the best point in the play, and no one is more surprised by this than me.

There’s another brief musical number in the play by the cast (not including dt) where you see a couple of real life, floppy-haired teenage dt photos projected in the background (none that we haven’t seen before.) I also really liked the tiny snippets of music from the opera Don Giovanni, which gave me the shivers. I feel like this could’ve been used to greater effect actually; if the ~moment of revelation~ and the ending of the play were stronger, bringing in those strains of Mozart could’ve had a greater impact, really set a nice tone of doom about the place. But perhaps there were practical limitations on how much they could use of that music anyway; this play is, after all, not the opera Don Giovanni.

Before seeing the show, I was also dubious about what I’d heard re: the staging. It’s quite a sparse set, which I think is fine actually, and there’s an absolutely ridiculous moment where david tennant flies into the air on a rickshaw (yes, really) which clearly made him very happy so i can take that all in good fun lol. Therefore, the only gripe I have about the staging has to do with the whole statue-coming-alive thing (yeah...really.) More on that later, though.

The third thing I didn’t think I was gonna like but did, was the hospital scene. DJ receives a blowjob from Lottie (played by Dominique Moore, who is very funny in the scene preceding this where she actually gets to speak) whilst chatting up the bride (or, ‘the fox’ as DJ charmingly calls her...) whose wedding reception he has just ruined in his pursuit of her. The logistics of it are frankly ridiculous - nobody could get away with that in a hospital waiting room lmao, blanket covering the action or not. There’s a large bag sitting on the seat between him and the bride, hiding Lottie’s ministrations from her, but the rest of the people in the room can see what’s going on. So it’s bonkers. But it’s also hilarious. I’m incredibly impressed that david tennant managed to offer up such a variety of expressions over the course of several minutes, whilst also having a conversation with the bride. Several times you think, ok, he must be nearly done, this is the orgasm face...but nope, he keeps right on going, and he doesn’t even blush. Stellar receiving-blowjob acting right there. This is the funniest part of the play, imo.

As always, dt’s comic timing is great. But I think he mines more laughs through his delivery and physical comedy than the writing actually offers him. He deserves much better material. This play is a comedy but I get the impression it thinks it’s funnier than it is, or at least it thinks it’s more quick-witted and worldly than it is. Admittedly this comes down to personal taste as much as anything.  I did laugh aloud in places, but there were several times I heard someone a few rows back really, properly laughing at something I considered pretty tepid on the humour front tbh.

As I mentioned in my summary earlier, the staggering amount of alliteration in this play nearly made me lose my mind. Once you notice something like that - something repetitious in someone’s writing - it is so hard to tune it out. I know this sounds like a very nit-picky, minor thing, but it was honestly so irritating!! The line that’s been thrown about a lot in the promo stuff/reviews, ‘Satan in a suit from Savile Row,’ is truly just the start; that line is said by Stan, but DJ gets most of the excruciating stuff, including a dozen or so lines informing us that DJ cannot possibly be racist because he’d do it with, among other alliterative ladies, ‘a babe in a Burka.’

Talking of racism. There’s a terrible line about how DJ wants to fly to Alaska to have sex with a ‘furry little eskimo,’ which I didn’t find particularly pleasant or funny. 

The supporting cast is very non-white for a West End show, so kudos to the casting director for that, but it is unfortunate that DJ’s brother-in-law, who I have seen described in a review as a ‘black thug’ (!!!) is the maker of DJ’s demise.

There’s also a really tasteless scene where DJ is interacting with a homeless Muslim man. This is the scene I was referring to when I said something turned my stomach. He dangles his £6k watch in front of his face and tells him he can have it if he blasphemes Allah. I’m aware this is a direct parallel to a scene in Moliere’s Don Juan (wherein he offers a coin to a beggar on the proviso the beggar concedes to blaspheme; interestingly this scene was removed from performances at the time.) But the execution of this scene is just so tasteless and unpleasant. Oh, and also dt imitates the Muslim man’s accent at one point. Grim. 

Though DJ, in his monologue near the end of the play, riles against hypocrisy, he is so self-righteous in this scene that it’s almost unbearable; he goes on and on about how Allah hasn’t done anything for this homeless man, so why can’t he insult him (at first he wants him to call Allah a cunt, then he de-escalates to ‘twerp,’ neither of which the man does. Thankfully DJ throws him the watch anyway, ‘because of his integrity.’ But that this rich, vile, atheist man could shout in this other guy’s face about his religion...it’s horrible. Stan agrees, so at least our ~moral compass within the play (dubious) is on the audience’s side. But still, it’s very uncomfortable to watch. 

For me, this was the only shocking moment in the play. Though this play is billed as being filthy and shocking, there is nothing inherently shocking or controversial about a fictional portrayal of a womanising, amoral, cynical, privileged white male with an excessive sexual appetite, penchant for prostitutes, and evidently an addiction to drugs and/or drink. Those characters are, let’s face it, ten a penny in literature, on stage, and on screen. DJ’s liberal use of the word ‘cunt’ might shock some in the audience, granted, but I think this play thinks it’s more shocking that it is. The language in the play is clearly something dt relishes getting to perform, and I am not offended by swearing at all, and honestly quite like hearing him going for it (apart from that one time he calls a prostitute ‘fuckface,’ not that she seems to mind.) But it’s sort of a bit laughable, that lines like ‘I’m just a cunt with an eye for one,’ are trying so hard to provoke laughter and/or shock, when...it’s just not even that great a line? A lot of the ‘funny’ lines are phrased pretty awkwardly tbh.

Other absurd moments:

DJ declaring himself a radical feminist. (this is funny because aside from Marber’s use of that word in this one instance, the rest of the play seems to take place in a contemporary world where feminism never happened.)

The statue coming alive. I hated this lmao. I mean. It’s all hallucinatory/figurative I guess (i hope??) because it’s his own voice bellowing from the statue that DJ hears, foretelling his impending doom and indicating how much he despises/fears himself, but the surrealness of the statue moving about and pedalling him into the air on a rickshaw, it’s just...it’s embarrassing

‘I’m not a rapist, I don’t grab pussy!’ getting a huge laugh. a) the bar is truly low when you have to say at least the dude is not a rapist, b) i hate donald trump as much as anyone but this is one of those poorly-phrased lines i mentioned that aren’t actually very funny. It felt a bit shoehorned in tbh.

Elvira, DJ’s wife, is an oddly-conceived character. I understand that reflecting the convent-girl origins of this character in the modern day was gonna be tricky, but the modern-day equivalent Marber comes up with is not particularly believable. Rather than a nun he’s lured away from the convent to marry/take the virginity of, as in Moliere’s play, in this play Elvira is a charity worker who, after a two-year pursuit, DJ has finally persuaded to marry him. The reasons he wanted to marry her are the same as in the original: she’s a virgin, and won’t sleep with him before marriage. Once they’ve had their honeymoon, he’s off to bed Croatian supermodels, done with her now that he’s finally had sex with her. 

The suspension of disbelief comes in twofold: firstly, we have to accept that Stan and Elvira’s brother throwing around the words ‘she was an innocent’ and ‘she was pure’ (and the implication that she has now been corrupted) are likely phrases to be said these days. I mean, come off it. Secondly, Elvira’s speech - about DJ being terrible but at least he opened her up to physical pleasure! At least he showed her how magnificent all these filthy fantasies she didn’t know she had could be! She won’t be with him now she knows what he’s really like but she still loves him and always will! - all of that nonsense, it just didn’t ring true. Especially as we come into their relationship just as they are back from their honeymoon and he’s sleeping with someone else, so we don’t even get to see evidence of how he charmed her in the first place (she references that he was sweet and kind and acted so in love, but we never see these traits in DJ at all.) The actress playing Elvira, Danielle Vitalis, didn’t give a particularly strong performance imo, but I honestly don’t know how much of that was really her fault, given the ridiculous lines she had to say.

The final thing that rubbed me up the wrong way was the monologue near the end. The disdain for millennials from middle-aged male writers made a jump from online articles to stage with this one, or, if not targetted at that generation specifically this time, then at least at this digital day and age we currently live in. It elicited rapturous applause from the audience, and yeah, the ‘welcome to my vlog; today i bought a plum’ line was amusingly delivered, but I have no time for a character who is morally bankrupt claiming the moral high ground simply because he finds selfie/social media culture undignified and lacking in class. I might agree with him on his comments on the value of privacy, but this dude is shamelessly shagging his way through Soho (christ, I’ve caught Marber’s alliteration bug) and so I think his sermon on hypocrisy is a little tone deaf.

Are we expected to equate the unapologetic, relentless pursuit of ‘skirt, or occasionally, trouser’ with a life lived to the full, a life celebrating ‘free will and answering to nobody?’ It’d be one thing if DJ genuinely loved women, as in loved in the way dt’s Casanova loved women; a seducer and a bit of a cad, sure, but one who at least respected and admired rather than objectified women. But DJ generally seems to have contempt for them bubbling under the surface, and in any case, the only reason he is able to pursue this kind of life - one sexual dalliance to the next, a snort of cocaine here, a cigarette and a scotch there - is because his father is rich and can fund such an elite lifestyle. There’s also your typical middle-aged male writer cynicism about love dressed up as a philosophical, salient point about the unnaturalness of monogamy as opposed to the natural state of man being to ‘hunt his prey.’ Marber, mate - you ain’t saying anything new, here. Writers just like you wheel out this faux-philosophy about the human condition more times than I can count, and all it ever really tells me is that you wish you had the guilt-free option to have an affair yourself.

I say all this because it’s quite hard for me to decipher what Marber really wants us to take from this play. DJ is warned of his reckoning, promptly feigns contrition to ensure his father doesn’t cut him off, but feels no actual guilt or compulsion to change his ways. He then eventually gets his comeuppance, and Stan regularly tells us how despicable he is, but I still get the impression that, in spite of Stan’s warning, ‘please don’t be charmed, he’s not a loveable rogue,’ that’s exactly what’s expected of us. Indeed, Stan says at one point ‘just as we were starting to warm up to him!’ (I think after the homeless man scene.) But I…..was never charmed. Not even for a second. I don’t think anyone could be? Honestly? Because he clearly is despicable, he has no compassion, is selfish to the extreme, has received all the luxury and privilege being the heir to an earldom affords him, with none of the responsibility, has never worked a day in his life, and has only limited affection for even the one person closest to him (Stan, an employee he never pays and treats abominably.) As dt has postulated in interviews, DJ is a sociopath. And yet we are subjected to a lecture from him on the indignity of a world of selfies and vlogs and hypocrisy, as though those things, vainglorious though they can sometimes be, are more sinister and morally corrupt than his objectification and dismissal of every woman he comes across. It’s a bit hard to swallow, frankly.

DJ has great hair, tailored suits, tiny red pants, and the innumerable benefits afforded to him by virtue of being played by david tennant. But he’s never particularly charming. We never see anything of the kindness and gentleness that so charmed Elvira into marrying him. We never really see him seduce anyone, aside from Lottie (this seduction is essentially him groping her boobs in the guise of being a ‘specialist doctor,’ complimenting her assets and telling her she shouldn’t change herself in any way [she’d mentioned she wanted a boob job]) and the only other time we see him in a sexual situation is with four prostitutes, and he has evidently paid for their company. But we hear he has had sex with three different women a day for the last 25 years, and that he is ‘extremely fuckable.’ I mean, yes, to look at him, clearly sexy af. Yet I feel there was a twinkle in the eye missing for anyone to actually be compelled to go for it with him; for comparison, rather than returning to dt’s Casanova again, I’m now thinking about Tom Ellis in Lucifer, who does play a loveable rogue, and the contrast is pretty clear.

And I bring this up because I’m left here thinking: if there’s nothing really interesting about DJ, if he really is just one-dimensional, and selfish, a destructive man with delusions of self-importance, who’d ‘fuck a hole in the ozone layer’ if he could, then....why? Why are we interested in this man? Would we sit there and watch two hours of a female character doing the same thing? Would anyone even bother writing that, let alone consider producing it? I don’t think they would.

It’s an entertaining play because dt and adrian breathe humour into a script that is, occasionally, lifeless. They can’t save every line, but their chemistry is great and their relish for these parts is evident. The play isn’t as shocking or as funny or even as filthy as you’d expect, and I don’t think it taps into the moral quagmire it thinks it does; honestly, it’s pretty standard stuff. I still don’t know quite what Marber’s going for. Of course, there doesn’t necessarily need to be a ‘message’ or a twist or a social commentary to be figured out within a production. But I think if you’re adapting something that plays with the idea of a libertine repenting through fear of death/hell, and if you feel that won’t resonate in a contemporary setting, then the stakes ought to be raised in another way. The spectre of impending doom looming over him is pretty lacklustre, and, given that DJ would rather die as he lived than profess a simple apology to save himself, the ending isn’t very evocative at all - it’s actually a bit dull.

Best bits:

DJ & Stan’s duet

dt’s hair

stan’s endless exasperation at DJ’s antics

the hospital scene

the tight blue suit

dt looking so happy flying overhead in a rickshaw (despite the ridiculous statue driving it)

stan’s last few lines

i cannot stress this enough: dt looked super hot

Worst bits:

the homeless man scene

the patronising tirade against this vain new world

the elvira plot

the statue coming alive and foretelling his doom a la marley’s ghost in a christmas carol

the lacklustre ending

3/5 stars, could’ve been a lot better. with a different writer. and plot. 😂