#anyways my goal is to make an affordable reasonably priced wedding happen. i just worry that other people think affordable means smth else?

[punkwixes]

even eloping costs so much money at some of these places. if you want a 10 minute ceremony with your significant other and like 2 people there that’ll be $800.

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

8/20/17

At my last counseling session, she suggested that I start journaling more again. She also asked me to think about and right where I would like to see myself in 1 year, 5 years and 10 years. Write 3-4 paragraphs for each. I don’t see 3-4 paragraphs happening! lol I just don’t. I have really lost touch with myself, who I am, who I want to be. I’m getting older, and dealing with so much with my health, I just don’t see myself being able to reach many goals, so why set goals? 

One goal I have is an 8 month goal. Mark and I finally set a date, we’e getting married April 21, 2018. That gives me 8 months to lose some weight!! Today, i’ve been really bad on my “diet”, though. At way too many honey roasted peanuts, a chocolate cake thing, left over pasta (pasta with marinara, sausage and chopped polish sausage), and some cheesy tots. And it’s only 4PM! Making sirloin pork chops tonight, around 6. I’ve already ate too much. I have drank almost 4 16.9 oz bottles of water already, so that’s a good thing. I had one can of coke. 

Anyway, I weighed myself today, 306.6. IF I can lose 2 pounds per week, I could lose 68 pounds by April 21st. Which would put me at 238 pounds. That would be the lowest i’ve weighed in more than 10 years! Sad but true. When I was 19/20, I weight 225. I looked pretty good at that size, that would be awesome to get close to that weight again. However, I will be happy to get back to 250 again. I was 249 about 4 years ago, around a size 20, and felt pretty good, looked a lot better than I do now! I liked a lot of my pics, even some full body pics. So, my goal is 250. Any more of a loss is just a bonus! I can do this.........but I can’t let myself eat junk all the time. I used to eat so healthy, then I started dating Mark, and it all changed. 

Marriage. It scares me. I don’t know why exactly. It’s a huge step, one I only want to make once. I don’t want to ever be divorced.....which is part of the reason I have avoided marriage. You can’t get divorced without a marriage, right? lol  I take it extremely seriously. I always wanted to be 100% sure. Then, I also fear change.... I fear that he will change. Or even that I will change. So many relationships fall apart, after marriage. Plenty fall apart without marriage, of course, I realize that. When I was a little girl, my Mom would tell me how marriage changes people, that a once you’re married the man thinks he owns you and he changes. 

I always dreamt of a pretty wedding, a wonderful married life, taking care of my husband and family. I already live as a married woman, just without the marriage certificate. So, not much will change there. What changes will there be? Will we be closer as a couple? Will one of us change, and the fighting begin? Will our relationship strengthen or will it fall apart? I want the happily ever after! <3

I’ve been looking at rings. I want a comfortable ring, but I like the ones with jewels around the band (cubic zirconia, in particular) - they don’t seem to be comfortable though? I don’t know. I’ve also been looking at dresses! I can’t afford a gorgeous wedding gown. I’m hoping to be able to save up around $100 to buy a nice formal dress, like maybe a prom dress, something pretty but more reasonably priced. I don’t know what size I will be, though. I’d like to at least be down to a size 20. 16/18 would be awesome, but doubtful. I have looked at girls dresses, too... Sierra is going to be a junior bridesmaid, so she will need a pretty dress with pink. I have to keep it as economical as possible, though. Mark will need a suit, too. 

I am not sure how to do all the “wedding party” stuff. Mark says he will have Nathan as his best man. He will ask his brother and brother in law to be groomsmen. He could ask his nephew Michael to be a groomsmen, too. I don’t know whether I will have a maid of honor. I wasn’t even sure i’d ask anyone to be bridesmaids at first. I’m not super close with any of my female friends. But, I asked my cousin Alissa to be a brides maid. I am also thinking about asking Rachel, Jessica, Diane and Joy. Sierra will be a junior brides maid, and I may ask Jade, Gaby and Jasmine to be junior brides maids as well, undecided. Flower girl, Mark’s niece Serenity. Ring bearer.....maybe his nephew Noah? He could do junior groomsmen and have his other two nephews in the wedding. To be fair. I might have a junior maid of honor, instead of a regular maid of honor, and ask Sierra to be it. 

I want a Spring outdoor wedding. Need some place with seating.... like benches, or something. A friend said she had hers at the lake, a place called Washington county park, and used the ampitheater stage. Need to find out if they have seating available. Can’t afford a bunch of chairs. There is a nice ampitheater in Marion, and Hungry mothers park, and it does have seating. But it’s expensive to rent everything and they charge like $5 per car for parking! So, it’s doubtful. Wish we had a good amount of money, could do that and rent a cabin for the honeymoon night. I wish we could do a beach wedding, honestly. 

Who will officiate the ceremony? I know of a sweet minister, haven’t seen him in about 10 years, and I can’t locate him online. I worry that he may have passed.   :( Mark’s uncle could do it, but he was the one who married Mark and his exwife......so it feels a little weird to me. I don’t know. We won’t have a lot of money to spend on anything, though........so options are very limited. 

I do feel weird about Nathan. I used to think he’s be the groom in my wedding, and now he’s the best man. I love Mark, and i’m SO happy that I met and fell in love with him, he’s my everything. But, I can’t help but to feel weird about it. There are unresolved feelings that I doubt will ever be truly resolved. It’s just the way it is, I can’t help it. I was recently honest with Mark about my feelings, to an extent. He swears I already told him.......and I do not remember this. lol It must have been some time when I was a little drunk. I’m glad he is so understanding. I have room in my heart to love more than one person. 

I’m feeling emotional again, and I hate it. So, enough of this blog for the moment.