#anyways more anxiety i really hope this isn't bad or a let down lol i have never posted anything like this before so i a little nervous

[noramoons]

and tomorrow we’ll begin anew | l.sm

pairing: lee seokmin x g/n reader

genre: fluff, slight angst

rating: T/13+

warnings: language, descriptions of anxiety/insecurities, (not proofread 🤡)

word count: 2k

summary: today has been a colossally bad day—luckily, your boyfriend is there to remind you that you don’t have to deal with it alone.

a/n: this is so wildly self indulgent it is not even funny…not even sure i like this piece anymore tbh but it is here! 🤭

7:17 a.m.

The morning light streaming into your bedroom is warm, basking you in the golden glow of a new day. It doesn't bring you the reassuring warmth it's meant to, however, when you wake up to see your alarm clock and realize you've slept in an extra half hour.

8:07 a.m.

Okay, you're seven minutes late to work. Fine. Whatever. That shouldn't send your entire day up in flames.  

But it burns down anyway. Everything past that first hour is tinged with smoke, hanging heavy over you like a cloud of inevitable mistakes. You've nearly forgotten a deadline. Your printer stops working. One of your coworkers calls in sick and you end up having to do double the work you would normally do.

And even with all of that, the day drags—you think to yourself no less than five times throughout your shift that you're aren't sure you'll ever make it home again.

Okay, you aren't delusional enough to not realize how slightly dramatic you might be behaving—but you really can't remember a day at work worse than this in a long while. You feel utterly useless. There's no other way to put it.

4:12 p.m.

It isn't until your clock finally ticks on the last hour, a single glimmer of hope in what has been an absolute shitshow of a day, that you remember your day has really only just begun.

> s ❤️

> i'm heading over your way now! sorry i'm a little early lol

> just looking forward to seeing you :)

Oh, Jesus Christ. With the near-constant nightmare that your shift at work was, you'd almost entirely forgotten—you made dinner plans with your boyfriend to eat at your apartment tonight. You know that should excite you, relax you, even, at the thought of seeing him at the end of a long and exhausting day.

Instead, it fills you with nothing but dread.

Your relationship with Seokmin is new—still in that cautious, tip-toeing early phase of dating where you don't really quite know each other yet. You know him, sure—know his name, his phone number, some of his favorite shows and movies and songs, just the same as you know most of these facts about your regular friends. The fact that you do know what the tender, delicate sensation of his lips on yours feels like is the only thing so far that distinguishes him from most of your other casual friendships.

But that's not to say that you don't want to learn more. You do—God, you do. Seokmin is unbelievably funny and sweet (and punctual, you're delighted to learn now). So you'd offered last week for him to stop by your apartment for dinner, telling him he could let himself in with the key underneath the potted plant by your front door. Nothing incredibly complicated—just a dish you've made a million times and that you know you can't possibly screw up (and that you hope might still impress him a little). You'd bought the ingredients on your grocery run over the weekend, so all in all, it should be something you can do with your eyes closed.

Or it would be, at least—if the only thing on your mind now wasn't dropping everything you're currently holding at your front door and collapsing into your bed, ready to sleep off this ridiculously exhausting day. And if you'd been dating Seokmin for longer than you have now, you'd tell him that. Tell him that you need to reschedule your dinner date because the only thing propelling you through this last half hour of work is the thought of getting to be in a coma the minute you set foot in your apartment.

But you haven't been in this relationship for that long—and so you don't quite know how he'd react to that. Would he think you were avoiding him? Think that you were tired of him already? Those thoughts certainly aren't the truth—so you'll just have to put an Oscar-winning performance for a few hours in the hopes that he'll stick around for another (less inwardly painful) dinner date.

And it isn't Seokmin's fault by any means. Certainly not his fault that you're so anxious about the beginning of this relationship, one that seems almost too good to be true, that you've found yourself working overtime to make sure you don't scare him off the first time he sees you under stress like this.

You'll just have to make an effort to plan your next date on a day you're aren't so in your own damn head about everything.

5:03 p.m.

By the time you're finally speeding your way out the door of your office, you're already mentally rehearsing what you need to do to hurry the evening along as quickly as possible but not seem like you don't want Seokmin to be there. The lettuce for your meal has been washed already, so you won't have to worry about that, and there's still leftover rice in the fridge you can serve your entree with—all you need to do is marinate the meat for half an hour and cook. Maybe Seokmin will want to talk about a TV show he's been enjoying and you can steer him away from discussions about work, because you know you won't be able to hide your exhaustion if the conversation lingers there. You can't offer any wine tonight, even if it does pair terribly well with this beef—that will just have to be a next-date plan. If he sticks around.

You're still cycling through your well-crafted lines in your mind as you finally reach your apartment, bracing yourself as you make your way up each stair step, practically holding your breath as your reach your door and turn the doorknob—

The door shuts as you walk in.

He turns to face you. "Y/N!" Seokmin beams, grinning ecstatically like he hasn't seen you in years—that damn smile that fills you with the warmth of the sun itself.

You let go of that breath.

And it isn't all you let go of. Seeing that goddamn stupid smile of his is like the straw that breaks the camel's back—because your bag slips out of your fingers and onto the floor before you even realize it. There's tears welling up at the corners of your eyes, leaving tracks down your cheeks before you even realize you're crying.

But Seokmin realizes. He's rushing out of his seat in an instant, making his way to your side and begging you to tell him what's wrong as he leads you to the couch.

"Look, it's just...I just had a bad day," you admit as you sink into the couch, embarrassment creeping back in to your conscious mind once you feel Seokmin's thumb rubbing over your hand reassuringly. "That's all." Why are you like this? Even now, your first instinct is refusing to let him in—because what if he finally sees how you can really be, and runs away screaming in terror?

His frown deepens. "I don't think it was just a bad day. You can tell me, Y/N—please tell me. If you want to."

The urgency in his voice feels genuine—feels real, in a way that nothing else today has felt. So you do. "It's been nonstop," you tell him, laughing a little through a sniffle. "Like ever since the moment I woke up today, I've been doing something wrong. I was just exhausted when work was over, but I didn't want to cancel this date because we've been planning it for a week to accommodate both our schedules, and I...I like you, Seokmin." There it is—your last card, laid in front of him to examine if he so chooses. "And I would really, really rather not fuck this up."

A soft grin starts tugging up the corners of his lips before he moves to cup both of your cheeks in his soft hands. "I really like you too, you know," he says, laughing a little. And you laugh too—how can you not, when the sound of his voice is enough to set you so simply at ease, enough to practically erase all the earlier worries of the day?  "You haven't fucked anything up. I don't want you to ever feel like you have to prioritize your day over mine—if you're having a bad one, then that's what the two of us can worry about."

Seokmin squeezes your cheeks a little, and the action makes your chest tighten with affection. "I don't want you to feel like you have to put on a performance around me, either. If you've had a bad day, you've had a bad day—and you can tell me about it. I won't put on a performance for you, either. Mostly because I've been told I'm a terrible actor," he informs you, and it pulls another light laugh from you. "And just so you know...I like you too. I like being around you, no matter what. One bad day is never going to change that."

His words are like waves cascading over the sand, washing away whatever had been written there before—but you still can't shake that last itch that refuses to subside. "But I ruined our date."

"What date?" he asks, smirking a little. "I thought we scheduled it for tomorrow. Remember?"

It takes you a moment to understand what he's saying, but when you laugh, it's real—a loud, joyous laugh that leads Seokmin to burst into giggles as well, throwing his arms around you and enveloping you in that comfort that he is. He reminds you that tomorrow will always be there—a promise that you can always try again.

9:48 p.m.

The two of you talk for hours after ordering in dinner, laughing (and crying one more time) about anything that comes to mind. Seokmin was right—you don't have to put on a performance around him to feel comfortable. The conversation feels practically never-ending, which is fine by both of you.

Seokmin makes a move to stand up and leave right before 10:00 pm. You know he's giving you an out for if you still want some time to yourself today.

You reach out a hand to stop him, to make him stay—but you don't even have to say a word before he's taking your hand and sitting right back down in his seat, grinning at your ability to have an entire conversation without words.

11.27 p.m.

By the time you're crawling into bed beside Seokmin, tucking yourself into his side, the exhaustion from your day earlier is finally, finally, catching up with you—you think you're barely conscious when he's leaning over to kiss the crown of your head and humming a soft goodnight.

But it doesn't matter how the day ends, you think. Like Seokmin had said, tomorrow will always be there too—a chance to begin anew. 

a/n: thank you sm for reading! feedback is always welcome through reblogs, comments, and messages 💛 

taglist:  @petrichor-han @kangroo-chan @ot7lonelylover @lilacdreams-00 @mainexiii @awkwardnesshabitat @lotus-dly @elizabeth11moreno @nerdysl-t @seung-scrittore  

©️ noramoons 2021-2023. do not translate or reupload my writing.

[fandom-hoarder]

911 8x06

Last week, before I could watch the new 911 ep, some people on my dash spoiled me with untagged spoilers and I literally started crying. Because the way people were talking about it made it sound like there was biphobia from Tommy and a cheating storyline, and that supposition sparked my election depression--- was this an alternate ending based on election results? (a WILD assumption, i kept telling myself; nevertheless, the doomerism persisted); a sign of queer suppression in media in the coming regime? biphobia in general, which is so enraging as a bi person?

And, to be clear, these thoughts and worries are not Hen/Karen erasure. They're literally my favs. But it IS about the way bisexuality is often treated, both in media and irl, as if you have to choose one way to be. As if bisexuality is some sort of schrodinger's sexuality.

It turns out my extreme anxiety over it wasn't completely warranted, at least from my pov as a writer. But it took me a few more days to actually level out and watch it clear headed.

So before the new one airs, here's my copy/paste from my dm a few days ago to @supernaturalkickparty 😅

I gave in and started the 911 ep. I'm CACKLING at the end of the urn Omg. *Abby* I... ok i can see a straight line to breakup from this, but I'll have to see how it plays out Omg the next case is about divorce Josh is really cute in this ep Josh's speech has me verklempt Istg they just better not erase buck's bisexuality Omgodddddd we are NOT sending another little kid down lmfao this is gonna make me cry Goddd 😭😭💜💜 God. This is gonna hurt. God. Whyyyyyyy. God whyyyy does it have to be THIS "Believe me, I didn't see it coming either." GODDDDDDD I'm just so fucking glad it wasn't a breakup over cheating Eddie lmfao I'm so glad the mustache is gone😂😂 Lmfao omfg eddie opens the door to buck and he's in his underwear???? This is the fucking start of a fic. No wonder the buddies are being insufferable God please don't let buck's rebound be a girl. Just please. Please. Don't make it be all girls now :(((((

Anyway, I can see a decent resolution to this, and I'm hopeful it will go as well as I usually think of this show's storytelling---which is to say I think 911 does a pretty good job of weaving meaningful character arcs that tie in a bow by the end.

And even though I am still marginally worried about whether buck's bisexuality will be fulfillingly handled, I don't necessarily think this breakup is bad. Buck's thing is breakups as character growth; and while I did think that we were moving past that in his coming of age arc growing into maturity, and as much as I love bucktommy, I didn't really expect Tommy to be his last or for a breakup to be completely off the table. I expected one eventually, and not for buddie reasons.

I don't even really ship buddie in canon, or see an inevitable queer storyline for eddie (though i do love buddietommy, but y'all already know i always think there should be an ot3); I just figured there would be typical buck drama, and hey... I settled down and figured this is that.

And also... like, yes it's frustrating that Tommy broke it off because of the whole "i'm the only guy you've ever been with," but like...that expectation that Buck will end up breaking his heart isn't really bad writing. I wish there'd been more LEADUP to it (I still hope we'll get some actual tommy pov on this to sympathize with him and see where that came from, as they have tended to do in the past with character backstory), but the fear that as someone's first you won't be ENOUGH eventually is very real.

I was my partner's first, but he wasn't mine, so even when we got engaged I was like, "are you really ok with this?" And he said yes of course and i took him at his word, but it didn't immediately erase the feeling that I was taking experiences away from him lol. So I can really see where Tommy is coming from, despite my sorrow and anxiety about the remaining unknowns. But I do hope there's more to this.

[whenwillhappiness]

Am I a constant burden?

I feel frustrated I can't even get this blog starting properly! Anyways, this is wasting my time. I will get it when I finish typing out my first post here.

I usually do paper and pencil but I wanted to document this blog.

Feeling like a burden for everyone around me. A burden to my Mom. A burden to my boyfriend. Afraid my boyfriend's Mom is worried that I am a burden to him.Can anyone else hurt me to the level that my Mom constantly reminds me since a young age that it is predicted that I will bring bad luck to her? She still reminds me to this day. What type of fucking trauma does this cause to a little 5 year old girl. Parents are supposed to protect their children. But my parents are the opposite - they make me feel more afraid, more fear, more insecure. it hurts.

maybe isn't the same at all as paper and pen. I'm experiencing writer's block right now.

previously I had a wordpress in high school blog about my children, mother, family, and my suic*dal thoughts.

I'm hungry right now lol but I brushed my teeth. Am I really hungry? yes I'm actually hungry right now.

Do I know what real happiness feels like?

Is the feeling that I've been experiencing "happiness" actually my space and feeling of escape?

when I was young, I was under the depression and anxiety of my mother.

when I grew up, I was under the extended manipulation of my mother.

when I'm now, I'm still getting stepped down.

imagine a little 6 year old, where a mother threats me with a knife, and banging my head to the wall.

imagine a little 10-12 year old, getting threaten by her 6-8 year old brother threatening with a knife inches from her, and dashing for her life upstairs to lock her in her room. her brother says hope you never get out or else your head will be full of holes. he will beat my head to holes with a broomstick. yup, that's me.

my Mom yells at me after for not "letting it go" with my brother. I will never forget that feeling of disbelief.

people choose their uni program based off what they want to do.

I picked it off from wanting to move away.

Idk what I want to do. I feel like a loser .

the jobs that I do makes me feel anxious and stressed all the time.

I feel it in my thyroid. I dont want to quit because I want to make money for my boyfriend and I too. I'm already grateful for hIs (idk if it's willingness) to contribute to our lifestyle the past 2 years <3

I'm not proud of working as a flight attendant.

not because of the job, the role; but because of my body shape and figure

I am ashamed of my appearance and body shape, not symbolizing the one of a flight attendant role

i'm ashamed.

phone anxiety is high

I stress about confrontation, and don't tell people things that I rightfully should

then that bites me back in the ass, which heightens my stress and anxiety.

I feel so bloated. my tummy is so big and bad

my body shape is hideous

motivation is low

dedication is stomped down with the thought of depressive thoughts

maybe from my children trauma that is taunting me a lot these few days.

as my aunt says, i'm wounded all over and all these years are just bandages on top of bandages, the wounds get more rotten and rotten.

i'm a burden to everyone - my mom, my boyfriend, myself

I don't want to ruin myself, but feels like I gone past the entrance back into the depressive stage again

life is tough, but idek how my path will be ahead?

how wrong or how would this path be?

[polyfrogsadorer]

Hello!!!! I'd very much like to hear your thoughts and analysis on Kent Parson and Taylor Swift because 1) 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 Kent brainrot 2) 👀👀 music/character parallels 3) 👀👀👀 it sounds so cool so in conclusion please grace us with your thoughts on him and Lover (if you wanna obviously no pressure!!!!!!). ~kentsparsons

hi friend! I am happy to share my thoughts and I'm glad people are interested!

however a quick jam has anxiety disclaimer: pls nobody get mad if u disagree or don't like this !! these are mostly based on my personal headcanons and interpretations of both the characters and music so if it does not make sense to you it's okay but pls be kind ty <3

this ended up being kinda long lol the brainrot is real

okay so in general: i've always been obsessed with the way taylor described lover as like using a romantic lens to tell many stories like sad, happy, messy, insecurity, all of it can be romantic in some way. and maybe i'm projecting (disclaimer: a lot of how i view kent parson is probably projecting) but i think kent EATS THAT SHIT UP, THAT IS HIS VIBE !! Like maybe he's not always the most forthcoming with his emotions but he still feels deeply and has never gotten over anything in his life. There are a lot of connections I personally made between lover songs and kent's story (specifically his past with Jack) and I think he probably finds it very relatable and uses it to Process Big Emotions.

okay, so now i'm gonna go through some of the songs and explain how I think they relate/apply to this hehe:

Cruel Summer: I don't have to say much about this other than HELLO. KENT "I LOVE YOU, AIN'T THAT THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER HEARD?" PARSON. IT'S LITERALLY HIM !!! also he definitely screams "I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you" a little extra loud.

The Archer: someone in the tags actually pointed this one out and it's just. aaaaaaaaa this whole song !!! You know he listens to this in the middle of the night staring at the ceiling "who could ever leave me darling, but who could stay?" angsting about the past or about new/future relationships or both.

Soon You'll Get Better: okay for this one basically just: "and I hate to make this all about me. but who am I supposed to talk to? what am I supposed to do? if there's no you?" :((((

Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince: it seems kind of random this is the one that really sells it for me !! This reminds me of Kent and Jack so much I just :((( in this song taylor uses the all-american high school sweethearts romance trope to conceptualize her struggles with the increasingly terrible reality of the american narrative and being a public figure in this reality, in my mind this can easily relate to Kent and Jack's relationship and their early hockey careers. I feel like Kent had this very idealized view of his relationship with Jack. Even if he knew realistically it wasn't the case, he dreamt of them as the It Couple where they end up a super successful nhl stars with all the fame and glory and love. But then that idea is sort of shattered by the reality of the hockey world and homophobia and public opinion and the resulting mental health issues. Kent can relate to this sort of conflict of having/holding onto an idealized perspective while coping with all the bad stuff. Though it's quite metaphorical, I think he sees himself a lot in the narrative of this song and idk he just Gets It. I am probably not explaining it right but aaaaa I could make a whole song fic about this really lol.

okay i was gonna analyze more but this is already so long so here are the other lover songs I think Kent relates to/just likes a lot: death by a thousand cuts, false god, i forgot that you existed, and cornelia street.

It's so hard to make all of this make sense in words, I wish I could like bluetooth connect y'all to my brain so you could see what happens in there when I listen to these songs, but hopefully this somewhat coherent!

and as a bonus here are some other taylor songs i headcanon that kent relates to (there are probably more but off the top of my head): the way i loved you, come in with the rain, all too well (ofc), the lucky one, forever winter, the 1, cardigan, my tears ricochet, tolerate it, cowboy like me, right where you left me.

[one-sad-human]

•Worth It• Duff Mckagan

Pairing: Velvet Revolver era! Duff Mckagan x Younger! Reader

Requested? Nope!

Theme: Little bit of everything/???

Warnings: Language, panic attacks, anxiety references, drug references

Word Count: 3k

A/N: Fic 2 of 2! This is the longest fic yet! Took a different approach to writing this one, hopefully it payed off. Let me know if you guys liked it or if I wasted my time with this one lol.

     You had met Duff in a coffee shop in LA. It was crowded and you were lucky enough to snag a chair before the lunch rush. Duff wasn't, and asked you if he could sit at your table.

     You grew up with Guns n Roses, bought his solo album the day it came out when you were just 15, and now listened to Velvet Revolver faithfully. To see your idol, your celebrity crush stand right in front of you holding a cup of coffee and a scone sent you for a loop.

     "Of course," you had said, starry eyed. You were only hoping he was as kind as the interviews made him out to be. Maybe have a conversation with you and be polite for a while before leaving and never seeing each you again. That would be good enough.

     It didn't end with a coffee, it had just begun. He asked for your number, and you stared at him for a moment thinking you had imagined it. That was until he tilted his head a little and looked at you with a nervous expression. He backtracked and you immediately stopped him.

     "No! I mean— yes! Yes, you can absolutely have my number." You scrambled for a pen and paper and ended up scratching your number on a receipt from the record store. You shook so hard you could barely get the numbers down.

     Out of all the record store receipts you've stuffed into your bag, the one you gave Duff Mckagan had to be the one for when you bought Velvet Revolver's 'Contraband.' He didn't say anything, just smiled and promised to call.

     You honestly didn't think he would've. You played it off as just him trying to be nice. It didn't stop you from answering every call you got for the next three days, however, even if you recognized the number as the tax collector you'd normally never answer.

     But then he called.

     "I tried calling sooner, but I kept calling the wrong number. You don't have the most eligible handwriting," he had told you. You laughed but really, you were in shock.

     You set up a date at the fancy restaurant downtown that always intimidated you. You didn't say anything though, even though you knew you wouldn't want any of the overpriced food and you'd end up eating something you couldn't pronounce and was two portions too small. Maybe even hit up a fast food joint afterwards.

     When the day finally came, you couldn't even figure out what to wear. You couldn't tell if you looked underdressed or like you were trying too hard. Did the clothes even fit the right way? What would Duff think? Would he even care?

     All questions were answered when you left your house. Duff was leaning against his slick car parked in your driveway, a button up that was barely buttoned and dress pants with boots. He stared at you and you wanted a hole in the ground to shallow you up until he smiles.

     "You look gorgeous," he said. You blushed and grinned, thanking him before saying that he looked great too. He drove you to the restaurant and on the way, you talked about music.

     You shared some of your favorites, he adored how well rounded you were. You liked pretty much everything from punk rock to the mellowest of mellow. Duff mentioned some of his favorites, some you made sure to remember the names of so you can check them out.

     When the ride was over and you finally got to the restaurant, your previous fears came back. Duff reassured you looked better than 90% of the people there and you knew it wasn't true but it made you feel better anyway.

     Your eyes widened to the size of saucers when you saw the prices of the food. You knew it'd be pricey but you thought there'd be more options that stayed within two digit numbers.

     Duff saw your panicked expression and said not to worry, he'd pay. It didn't settle your nerves enough and when the waiter came, you ordered the cheapest and simplest thing you could find.

     "Chicken noodle soup?" He teased. You shyly looked down and shrugged. "This isn't your scene, is it?"

     "Not exactly, no."

     "Want me to be completely honest with you?" You nodded. "It's not mine either."

     That's all it took for you and Duff to scramble sheepishly out of the restaurant. You both shared a laugh in the car and went to Burger King. It was much more your speed and, as you'd find out that night, Duff's too. You suppose all the money he's had since such a young age didn't completely change his ways. He was like a kid trapped in a 40 year old man's body.

     You'd thought at first the age gap would feel strange, after all, you were 15 years younger than him. But after that night, it was barely noticeable. Funny looks from strangers every once in a while was nothing.

     By the second date, Duff was already aware fancy spots weren't your forte. He told you it was a surprise and to wear something cozy, as LA nights got chilly.

     He packed a picnic basket and drove you out to the most beautiful flower field you had ever seen at sunset. It was secluded and high up, giving a perfect view of the city skyline. After gawking and taking in the sights for a few moments, you regained your ability to speak.

     "It's gorgeous. Pretty far from the city, did you take me here to kill me?" You joked. He laughed and rolled his eyes. His lighthearted laugh sent sparks straight to your heart, and you decided that it was your favorite sound.

     You unfolded the blanket Duff brought and you both sat down. You ate the sandwiches and sliced fruit Duff packed and talked. You talked about everything, from your family to fears and insecurities.

You told him how you suffer from nightmares. Flashbacks from your broken childhood coming back to bite you in your sleep. Duff shared how he's suffered from panic attacks since he was a teenager. You felt you knew each other for years.

Neither of you felt weird for sharing and neither made the other insecure. You were completely open and honest with each other. It was strange, you've never connected to quickly and effortlessly with someone before. Sure, you've had men in your life, but never had you clicked with someone so fast, never had you fit with someone so perfectly.

Hours passed and it felt like minutes. Only did you realize how late and how exhausted you were when you saw most of the city buildings light have gone off for the night. The city that didn't sleep was dark.

"I should get you home," Duff said to you.

"Will you stay the night?" You felt a little silly for asking. Were things going too fast? Would he even want to stay over?

He agreed, and that's how your first night together went. You both stayed up even later and had more lighthearted conversations, unlike the ones that partook at the field. Like how one of Duff's first jobs was at a bakery and could bake a mean cake and how you can't cook to save your life.

You ended up waking up without remembering falling asleep. You're head was placed comfortably on Duff's lap while his head was lolled back against the couch cushion. He looked so serene and peaceful you couldn't help but smile at the sight.

You made toast and somewhat successfully cooked some eggs and bacon. It might have been the first breakfast in years that didn't end with the smoke alarm going off.

Duff eventually wandered into the kitchen and you both ate. By the time he left, another date was already set up. He was like a drug an you were already hooked.

Months later and the addiction still wasn't kicked. You didn't want to, and Duff didn't seem to want you to quit either. You both soaked each other up like the sun on a warm day.

You had almost weekly dates and you stayed over each other's houses almost every other day. Duff did have his kids some days, though, so some days dates were cut short or Grace and Mae slept over his house and you wouldn't see each other.

You were always understanding, his kids came first and you'd never blame or get upset about it. It's something Duff admires about you, your never ending understanding and empathy for him.

One of those days where Duff stayed over at your house started normal. He cooked dinner and you washed the dishes, and then you put on an old Ramones concert you had on DVD.

You were laying on his chest, his fingers running through your hair when all of a sudden, he tensed up. He quickly stood and excused himself to the bathroom. You frowned but before you could think much of it, you heard a loud bang and something clatter to the ground.

You jumped up and rushed to the bathroom. You swung open the door because you were perfectly aware the lock hasn't worked since you moved in.

Duff was sitting on the floor, a pill bottle laying on its side not far from him. You quickly spot the name of the medication and identified it as your anti-anxiety pills. You shoved them aside and sat next to Duff.

He was sweating bullets and his skin felt cold and clammy, his breaths were labored and heartbeat was loud and pounding erratically. You coax him gently to take deep breaths, holding onto his hand tightly and talking quietly.

"I'm sorry, they come on randomly sometimes," he apologized after he'd called down, but you quickly shushed him. You reminded him of just how many nightmares he'd comforted you for and he stops feeling so bad about it.

     It was always a true partnership with Duff. Never had you felt you gave or took too much, it was always equal. Always a two way street, with everything.

That wasn't the last panic attack you had to help him come down from. Later down the line you've gotten better at calming him down and learning his triggers, even though sometimes they really do come on suddenly without reason.

A year into the relationship was when you met Grace and Mae. They were young and didn't completely understand why their parents weren't together anymore, so it took them a while to warm up to you. Luckily, they eventually came around.

Duff and Susan met up regularly to discuss their kids and co-parent properly. And while you had all the reason to be jealous of your boyfriend with his ex wife, you never did. You had complete confidence in him, he was honest and loyal and you doubted he'd ever hurt you purposely.

That's why it destroyed you when he left you. Tears were shed from both parties as he gave his reasons for breaking up with you. His insecurities he tried his best to bury had come to light and nothing could change his mind.

You thought you were completely honest with each other, but you suppose his doubt in his relationship with you was the one thing he kept secret. He had somehow convinced himself you'd be better without him, between the constant touring and the baggage that came with him and his kids, he finally buckled under the weight and stress.

You had tried to convince him that he was worth it, but if Duff is one thing it's stubborn. The best relationship you'd ever have and the best year of your life went down the drain within the matter of one conversation.

You were down in the dumps for days. You barely left your bed and didn't ever leave your house. You were in a depression and couldn't get out. A few of your friends eventually found out what had happened and broke into your house and shoved you into the shower before taking you to your favorite Chinese restaurant.

You felt like a disaster. Your hair was ratted despite the shower and you refused to put real clothes on, instead wearing sweatpants and a shirt Duff had left behind. You were a mess.

The hole in the wall restaurant was never busy but always had the best food. You were almost happy your friends dragged you out of your home until you saw Duff sitting at a table, eating egg rolls and lo mein.

You've came here together all the time. The high sodium in the food always made him sick to his stomach and you'd always end up giving him nausea remedies and tea. He never changed his order though.

You locked eyes with him for a while. Dark bags were under his eyes and he looked more pale than usual. He looked as terrible as you felt. You weren't sure if you were spitefully glad he felt awful or if the despair on his face just made your heart break further.

When you couldn't take his intense jade stare anymore, you looked up at the menu. The next time you looked back he was gone, you weren't sure if he was really there at all or if you were finally losing your mind for good.

     Another week crawled by. You got better enough to continue working. You had to pick up extra time for calling out for a few days after the breakup. You wouldn't say things were going well, but you weren't crying in bed every day all day anymore.

     You had constant dreams about him. Some were nice, ones where he didn't leave and you were together, holding each other tightly. Most were nightmares, flashbacks of when he left. You didn't have him to comfort you anymore when you woke up soaked in sweat and tears, and that might've been the worst.

     Another week went by, and you were starting to get back into the swing of things. You still thought about him, even silly little things reminded you of him. Like when you would catch a sniff of freshly baked sweets like he'd bake you or certain songs playing on the radio. It also didn't help that you ran into people wearing Guns n Roses shirts on the daily.

     You also refused to get rid of anything he'd left behind. Tee shirts, guitar picks he left from when he'd play for you, or CDs from bands he introduced you to. Reminders of what you lost were scattered around your home but you couldn't bring yourself to do anything about it.

     Suddenly, it's been a month. You weren't over him, but you had a feeling you'd never be completely. He was something special, you can't forget things as special as your relationship with Duff.

     His items still weren't thrown out or returned, instead all packed in a box sitting in your closet. But you'd be lying if you said you would never reach into the box to grab a shirt to sleep in or a CD to listen to when you needed a reminder of the good times. You were making progress though.

     You decided to leave your house one evening. You were feeling especially terrible and wanted to take a walk to clear your head. You went to the coffee shop you had first met Duff in. Maybe it was a mistake to go and get a flood of memories but you couldn't stop yourself.

     You sat in a seat near the window and people watched, taking occasional sips of your drink. It was quiet except from the talk of the workers and the hum of the overhead speakers.

     There was a sudden squeak of a chair of hardwood floors and it broke you out of your daze. You snapped your gaze up to meet the very familiar green eyes you've been trying to forget.

     "Can we talk?" He asked, and you couldn't say 'no.' Duff sat across from you and started off by apologizing.

     He said he wanted to talk to you sooner, but was too afraid you wouldn't want anything to do with him. You rolled your eyes at that, if only he knew just how much you missed him.

     He then started from the beginning and explained why he made the decision to leave you. As it turns out, it was mostly because of stress. His bandmate Scott was having problems with drugs and the flashbacks from his GnR days frightened him. He was worried he would end up relapsing and he didn't want to drag you down with him.

     Combine that with all the troubles that came with dating a single father, and he couldn't take it anymore. He felt too guilty.

     It all seemed like ridiculous reasons to you. Even if he had made the mistake of falling off the wagon, you still would've stuck with him. And you didn't mind his kids at all, after nearly a year of knowing them and you were very close to them.

     "I love you, Duff. I wouldn't have left you over that, I'd help you through anything. And I love Grace and Mae, too," you told him.

     "I know, but I didn't want you to have to deal with all that baggage." You frowned at that. You reached your hand across the table and grasped his, squeezing it tenderly.

     "You're worth it."

     After that day, you and Duff started seeing each other again. It wasn't the same as before, but maybe even better.

     You were more transparent with each other. If one had a worry or problem, you'd go to the other. You talked everything through with him and he did the same. Even if it seemed insignificant, talking everything through never failed to make it better.

    You were happier and healthier than ever before. Sure, there were a roadblock or two, but they only made the relationship even stronger, and you wouldn't have changed a thing about it.

[www-artforoddballs]

Alright, so notice. Most of you probably know this, since you're following me for the Autistic Levi stuff (thank you, we're closing in on 100 followers!!!!), but people with autism can have "tantrums". I've kinda touched on this in a previous post (it's a full meltdown, but you can see that post here https://www-artforoddballs.tumblr.com/post/644803780958879744/autistic-levi-angstkinda-i-guess-this-is-him). For those of you who DON'T know, an autistic tantrum is not the same thing as what you'd think of in regards to a toddler or kid, it's just the word used for it. This is a mistake my mother and I made when getting the paperwork done while I was going through testing that later got cleared up lol

I had a tantrum yesterday, and so I figured that I could post about Leviathan having a tantrum, since it's still ready on my mind. I don't care if anyone else is proud of me for coping with it as well as I did, since it's a major improvement from last time I had one, but I am proud of myself!...with that in mind, here we go!!

There will be some angst in this post, like the last post in relation to this one, but like the last post, it turns out fine.

However.

Trigger warning for things such as self harm, both physical and verbal. If you or a loved one is self harming, either reach out to someone for help or reach out to that person to help, yeah?

OK on with the post.

-------------

First of all, Levi's autism is part of why his brothers always agree to help when there's a raffle for tickets or something like that on the DDD messages, because he can get overwhelmed if they don't at least help, even if he doesn't win in the end.

They figured out that his autism was the culprit for this shortly after his diagnosis.

Now when I'm writing for Levi, I like to think that his diagnosis was around the early 1990s since, while autism was a separate diagnosis in 1980, it didn't really start becoming fairly accepted and expanded upon until 1987. Hence why everyone is mostly used to it by now, but are still sometimes off put by his odd behavior; for them, as beings that have been around since...the beginning of the universe, pretty much as far as we know, but for at LEAST since humans were around (so at VERY least 2.5 million years now, but potentially up to around 7 million years (if they haven't been around since the beginning of creation)), this would be like...I dunno, give me a second.

Waiting

Waiting...

Okay, so from 1990(earliest year I have in mind) to 2019 (the year it was released) is 29 years. That's a minimum of 1/86,206.89th of their lifespan, and a maximum of 1/475,862,068.96th of their total lifetime.

So this is a VERY recent development for them on the grand scheme of things, but I digress.

So they're still figuring everything out, especially as the human race continues to learn about the condition itself.

So the first time Levi threw a tantrum and they recognized it for what it was...it was certainly interesting.

What had happened was exactly the situation described; Levi had wanted to go to a concert in the human world and they were raffling off free tickets. Except, unlike now, his brothers hadn't offered their support. They hadn't in the past, why would this time be any different?

Except now they viewed it through a different light. Leviathan had an image in his head that he desired so badly and had asked his brothers to support him, hopeful, only to be rejected at every turn. That he was used to, but it was still upsetting.

He put that to the side, though. He really wanted to see this band, and these were VIP tickets where you got to hang out with the band for a few hours after the concert! They'd cost a LOT of human money, and while they COULD afford it, he knew Lucifer would be bringing hell down upon him if he used that amount of family funds on a concert. And his anxiety was already somewhat raised, so he decided to enter the raffle on his own.

He sat there for hours, waiting for the results to come in. He'd hyped this up in his brain the entire time; He'd win, go to an amazing concert, have dinner with the band, maybe even make some friends....!...and then the results came back. He hadn't won.

As per usual, our snek boi went into one of his rants about how unfair it was, but instead of going on a rampage or something like that, locked himself up in his room and cried, hating himself for getting so excited over nothing.

As I mentioned before, I've made another post about a tantrum/getting too overwhelmed slipping into something even more dire, as that's almost always what happens to me. This would be in the 90s, so this would be their first real incident with one of these moments where they had the proper diagnosis, so bear with me, there will be some angst here, but like the other post, it'll be fine.

So Mammon ends up feeling bad for rejecting his little brother, and, not knowing it was too late, decided to go to his room and offer his support. It was almost Leviathan's birthday anyways, and Mammon knew how rejection felt and how much it sucked. So, he knocked on Leviathan's door.

No response. He knocked again...still no response, but a quiet sob.

Right away, Mammon switched from semi-carefree to worried. "Levi...?"

Again, no response. He decided to just go in and check on his brother...

The door was locked. And he smelled blood.

"Leviathan, I need you to open the door," Mammon said with a half hearted chuckle, his voice now becoming slightly strained. "Because if ya don't, I'm gonna have t' break the door down."

"Just go away!" Leviathan cried from inside his room. "Just leave me alone, you jerk!"

"I ain't goin' anywhere. Either open the door or I'm gonna break it down. Those are your two choices."

A moment of silence, before Mammon sighs, stretching, as he transforms into his demon form.

"Alright, option two it is."

He rammed into the door repeatedly, before the wood finally splintered and fell to the ground with a loud thud. Mammon quickly looked around, eyes widening as he saw Leviathan digging his own sharpened nails into his arms, multiple raked wounds, made by the same culprit, carved into his skin.

"Levi...look at ya..." Mammon said, voice faltering, tears welling up in his eyes. "I...how long has..."

"Just shut up! Don't act like you care about me, I'm the freak of our family, remember?! I'm the one whose brain isn't right, I'm just a shut-in, good for nothing, re-!"

He was quickly cut off by Mammon going to him and hugging him.

"I don't care who you are. You talk about my brother like that again and I'll kill you. Alright? You're a little off, but you ain't a freak, and your brain works just fine as is. You're perfect just the way you are, and if anybody else says any different, I'm gonna beat them the fuck up. Including you. Got that? So what if you've got that fancy lable on ya now...? Labels like that matter, but it didn't change ya. You're still my cringe, annoying as hell little weirdo of a brother...and I wouldn't have ya any other way."

Leviathan fully listened to Mammon talk, before clinging to him, breaking down sobbing again, and trying to explain what happened through his tears, the older demon gently rubbing his back and allowing him to cry it out, making sure no more harm was done.

A while later, once Levi had calmed down, Mammon ruffled his hair.

"Let's get you cleaned up, yeah? Lucifer is already gonna kill me for breaking your door, but he'd be even more pissed if I just left you here with those wounds."

So they did. And Mammon, after telling a VERY angry Lucifer what had happened hours later, had surprisingly NOT gotten chewed out by the eldest brother. Instead, that day, the entire family had a long discussion, and they all agreed that if it was something as small as entering a raffle, or even if it was bigger but not an inconvenience to anyone in the slightest, they'd all help out from then on. It's not like it was hard, and it would save Levi from hours of stress and negativity toward himself and others around him.

They also made a plan for if a tantrum were to happen while someone was around, or if he became too overwhelmed and started to spiral...because, as annoying as he could be, Leviathan was still family. And they loved him, oddities and all.

---------------

Alright, so...that was the post! I hope it was okay. I know I've written about this type of thing before a little, but different situations can end up with the same negative outcome, like being in an overwhelming situation, or not being able to change your thinking and not easily being able to get over your expectations. I've personally suffered with both, and it's a regular thing for me, so I like writing about it, because maybe, just maybe, it'll help someone out, or help someone that isn't autistic understand a friend or relative or classmate or employee better. And I love these characters, I really do. The only ironic thing is that I see so much of myself in Leviathan, but I adore him and despise myself. Go figure 😂

Regardless, I hope you enjoyed, and if there's anything you guys have questions about (in regards to me and my experience), or any specific writing requests, asks are fully open!

Thanks so much for being here to support me, you have no idea how much it means to a little oddball such as myself.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

I feel so terrible saying this because I don't know if there's a better way, but after reading the reply where you mentioned that you feel bad your art isn't getting out there, I went and had a look. You clearly put a lot of time and effort into it, but there really seems to be a bit of an uncanny valley effect when you draw people - it might be an issue with the level of detail/realism you're trying to go for, or perhaps the shading? I love your use of colour but the characters feel creepy.

Hey Nonny!

Thanks for your honesty; I’ll take it to heart and try to improve. This is the proper way for constructive criticism, and it’s appreciated.

I think it’s just more frustrating because this has been something ongoing for literally decades. I used to draw anime/manga style, my art was considered shit. So I tried a little more loose and fun style, my art was considered unoriginal. I focused on a chibi style, it was considered unoriginal. My last style, people hated it because they said my heads were too big / feet too big (funny thing about this one, another big name artist in another fandom actually stole my crooked tails/big feet style, and everyone fucking praised them and my art was still ignored).

I switched to humans AND digital art a few years ago, and I still have troubles with noses and mouths, and I can’t do either of those right either. 

You can actually see my art progression over on my deviantART. There’s over 1000 pieces up there, I think. Just so much of the gallery is old stuff that I cringe when I go to it, LOL. But I’ve always found passion and love in fandom, and I’ve always wanted to do a comic, but time is something I’m in short supply of.

I can’t please anyone, anymore, honestly. I have other qualms regarding certain... styles... but I’m not going to publicly say it here, because I already get enough hate in my inbox. It’s mostly all a self-esteem issue these days. People like my art fine when I do stuff for them. But as soon as it’s not for them, I get shit on. I’ve seen other styles similar to mine, and they get lots of traction, so I dunno. And as I said, people have down right stolen my art before (hence the big watermarks), and yeah.

I’ve never done bad in art classes in high school and college (90+, deductions were always because I was always late with assignments), and I’m a professional graphic designer, so I guess I just have a hard time with... thinking beyond the confines of a social media shitpost piece? Newspaper design destroyed my creativity, Lovely. Because almost 20 years of design jobs “everything has to be just so” has pretty much erased the creativity I used to have, LOL. I like it when my freelance clients let me work beyond “photo, name, call to action” LOL. My day job is great but we have to pretty much have to stay on-brand all the time.

I know I need a lot of learning to still do re: digital art, and I do lessons online here and there from time to time. It’s just hard when my current job demands so much time from me, and depression and feelings of self-loathing leave me constantly just... not up, you know? I used to have a lot more free time than I do nowadays, which is ironic given I’m at home all the time. 

Anyway. I know those aren’t excuses. I just want to make people happy with my art, and it’s hard when work and my own anxiety bleeds me dry, y’know? I do art for myself more than anything, just something to break up the ennui of my day job and loneliness.

Thank you for your respectful comments. I’ll try from this point forward to tweak my stuff, and I hope you’ll come back in a few months / another year and let me know if you think.

[mysticdragon3md3]

I finally tried reading "Spy x Family" and I ended up reading 2 of the free chapters. ^_^ I think I need to buy this manga. ^o^ It's a fun time.

I saw this Tweet of merch for Spy X Family and it reminded me that I've been meaning to check out that manga:

7/20/2021https://twitter.com/ichibanKUJI/status/1417416576991592449/photo/1

.

https://www.viz.com/shonenjump/chapters/spy-x-family?locale=en

-

It's about time I checked out Spy X Family. I can't keep believing it'll be really good and something special that appeals to my specific tastes, just based on vague hunches...Then either never read it, or eventually read it but find out I don't like it. I don't want to encounter the same fate as The Ancient Magus's Bride again.

1:55 PM 7/20/2021

The first _THREE_ chapters are free! ^o^

1:56 PM 7/20/2021

oh yeah...That's right...I forgot. I was looking forward to this being a family that knew each other's secret identities, but were working together to hide as "normal" people as a "normal family". But I think I heard it was actually about each member of the family keeping secrets about their real identities from each other. ;_; I wanted that unity! That comradery! That relatable sense of being a weirdo---group of weirdos in a "normal" world! ;o;! I wanted that relatable sense of trying to pass as a "mundane" and the pain of trying to hide your authentic weirdness. But this story might actually be about individual family members' paranoia towards each other. I don't know if I want to relive constant anxiety from the people you live with. ;_; The constant hiding and fear of being found...I relate to that too, but it's not something I want to remember. ;_;

Well, let's turn the page.

2:02 PM 7/20/2021

Finished page 9.

I thought maybe this manga-ka watched Mr . & Mrs. Smith. But maybe they just wanted to take the idea of "spy of a thousand faces" and correlate that to family members (or fathers) who have a different "face" towards their family. Even Durarara had an episode about that. Also that pig in Aggretsuko....~w~?!?!? Fuck that mother fucker! Being a good father and nice to your family doesn't earn you the right to treat people like shit every single day, just on your whim! Just so you can let off steam from your personal stress! Go to hell! Eat shit and die!!!!!!! ...See? This is why I can't watch Aggretsuko.

Anyway, I hope this spy Twilight isn't like that. Or doesn't remind me of that. (Any more than he already has brought my thoughts down that path.)

2:05 PM 7/20/2021

Well, pages 10-11 suggested Twilight might either subconsciously long for a serene domestic life or he might find happiness if he gets that situation. That could be sweet. I like domestic fluff and "slice of life".

2:09 PM 7/20/2021

Page 17.

Oh shit. Twilight's "father" persona has a genki himbo sunshine smiling look in his eyes. Goddamnit. Don't you dare steal my heart from Claude von Riegan and Ryuji Sakamoto!

2:13 PM 7/20/2021

Pages 20-23.

Anya is super cute. Not just her big eyes and tiny body. But she's so eager/desperate to be accepted, to get a family. And I can see how they're trying to get extra sympathy points with her reading the orphanage operator's mind and hearing his bad thoughts towards her. But doesn't that only work when you show her reaction to those words? And her reactions show her sadness and knowing she's not accepted by the orphanage/others around her?

2:19 PM 7/20/2021

Pages 24-25.

Ok. It's SUPER CUTE how much she wants Twilight to like her and how she thinks he's cool. lol

2:31 PM 7/20/2021

Pages 38-39.

"Twilight here. Catch me if you can." OHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~ o-O!!!

2:36 PM 7/20/2021

Pages 48-49.

Gee, I wonder if the "Twilight" with a bag over his head is the goon and the "goon" is Twilight in a disguise? lol I don't' care. It'll be a fun reveal. especially from Anya's perspective. ^_^

2:50 PM 7/20/2021

pages 70-71.

I was afraid during all those previous scenes of Twilight having trouble taking care of Anya, that he'd get the assassin to play the family's mom, out of some stereotypical assumption that "women are better suited to childcare" or "it's a woman's job to keep the kids out of trouble, or away from bothering the dad, or to stay at home with", etc. But they didn't do any of that. It's just: The school mandates that "both parents" attend the family interview for admissions. Kind of horrible that a school would presume that all families must have 2 parents, but at least it's just 1 short line at the end, instead of long scenes earlier, implying all that heteronormative "traditional gender roles" BS.

2:54 PM 7/20/2021

Done with chapter 1 of Spy X Family. I like it! I want to read more of it! ^_^

2:54 PM 7/20/2021

https://www.viz.com/shonenjump/spy-x-family-chapter-2/chapter/19256?action=read

I just want to see how the assassin comes to play the mom. I won't read the whole thing. I've got to do more with my day. It's so late already! ;o;

2:59 PM 7/20/2021

Pages 4-7

Being a single 30 year old woman is "suspicious"? Instead of being horrified, these women laugh and agree????? This is disgusting. I can't wait to see how Yor or Fate sticks it to them.

All Yor did was FAINTLY rebuff their suggestion that she catch a sexual partner! She just said she wants to focus on work instead. And that apparently was enough to make this woman feel the need to indirectly threaten her? Calling her weird and suggesting she was weird enough to be "turned in by neighbors for being suspicious"? What an insecure bitch. There better be a come-uppens.

Pages 8-9.

This whole "you need to find a husband" traditional gender roles thing is gross. Please, let's get past these type of scenes already.

3:12 PM 7/20/2021

Page 10.

Why does Yor's sister Yuri know someone from her office named Dominic? Isn't that the name of the bad guy that Twilight is trying to kill or infiltrate?

3:14 PM 7/20/2021

Oh! Yuri is Yor's BROTHER! Why did I assume a sister?

3:20 PM 7/20/2021

Pages 18-19.

I was wondering why Twilight's spy agency just didn't supply him with a colleague to team up with. Maybe those "suspicious" bachelorettes really were spies?!? That was some sneaking foreshadowing. But if most of his agency's female spies were "wiped out during the recent spy sweeps" and the ones remaining don't fit in with the image of the wife of a young man, then it suddenly makes sense that all these bachelorettes were arrested.

3:24 PM 7/20/2021

Pages 21-22.

I really like this martial artist/warrior's version of noticing the significant other during the "meet-cute". "How did she not set off my warrior senses honed to detect all?! She's amazing!" ^o^!

3:28 PM 7/20/2021

Page 23.

They're both so awkward. ^o^ Maybe I've always been into that awkward couple thing? Is that why I loved Ryouga/Akari so much? ^o^

3:30 PM 7/20/2021

Page 25.

"The girl was starved for entertainment."???? C'mon, Narrator. Isn't it enough that she thinks her future parents are both sooooo coooooool for being being an assassin and a spy? lol

3:38 PM 7/20/2021

Page 33.

Is Loid going to propose during the party?! LOL ^o^ Whether in terms of thinking Yor is a normal girl he could trick into quickly marrying him, or whether from her perspective, a proposal in the middle of a party that her brother is going to get a report about, to evaluate if her boyfriend is a reliable/good guy...! It's perfect! Perfect for both of their schemes/uses! ^o^

3:41 PM 7/20/2021

"Should we report her for lying?" About having a boyfriend?!

"For all we know, she's a spy sent here to lower the country's birth rate!" What the actual FUCK!?!? OH MY GAWD. tHESE GENDER ROLE POLICING BITCHES!!!!!!!

"She's probably just a weirdo. Leave her alone." Thanks, but being single doesn't make you a "weirdo". Go fuck yourselves.

3:44 PM 7/20/2021

Page 35.

This Camilla bitch is going to try to sabotage Yor's life just because her boyfriend talked to Yor at a PARTY? What the actual fuck is the matter with people?!? He initiated a conversation with her! A completely innocent conversation! The Camilla bitch better get arrested as a "possible spy"!

I like that even Dominic is giving Camilla the side eye for saying such asshole things. Why is he even dating her? There are nicer people to fuck if you just want someone to fuck.

3:48 PM 7/20/2021

I like that Yor's solution to everything is to kill everyone in the room. lol But then she cutely shakes herself out of that line of thought. She's adorable. ^-^

3:51 PM 7/20/2021

Pages 38-39.

Aw, I guess we're not going to get a proposal scene in the middle of this party. Even if Loid accidentally introduced himself as her husband, he could have saved it by correcting himself in front of everyone and "confessing" that he had planned to propose marriage to Yor soon. He just got mixed up because his psychiatry patient hit him in the head enough to bleed. It's believable! lol Anyway, I'm glad he's there for her.

4:01 PM 7/20/2021

Page 50.

Ok. I didn't expect Yor to ask Loid to marry her! LOL ^o^!!! This is a great manga! ^o^ LOL

4:03 PM 7/20/2021

Pages 52-53.

Ok. We just went to another level of ridiculous territory! LOL Why is making marriage vows in the middle of a fight, while using a grenade pin ring?! LOL ^o^!!!!!!!!

4:07 PM 7/20/2021

I guess I finished chapter 2. ^o^ I should buy this manga. There's one more chapter for free on Viz's website. But I should stop here. Its' already so late in the day and I didn't get anything done. x_x; Good manga, though.

[retphienix]

There are so many fucking games I want to play for the blog and I hypothetically have the time, but the energy, the attention span, the drive?

In more positive terms here are some various titles I plan to give a shot for the blog.

Let's do a 5am state of the blog kind of thing to clear some thoughts, eh?

Morrowind (Current Game ramble)

For the moment the blog is more or less on break with me playing Morrowind ""For the blog"" but mostly for me, because that's just a game I've wanted to explore. Not that every other game on the blog isn't that, just that I looked at Morrowind and said "That'll be a terrible game to present naturally. That's a stream game, or a condensed video, not a liveblog" and then did it anyway.

I'm loving Morrowind! Honestly the sense of mystery, fantasy, and adventure is just chef kiss levels of perfect to me.

But it's terrible in a photoset, I'm not particularly interested in doing another format for the game, and it's a game with less 'intense narrative themes!' and more 'Incredibly different game design compared to modern Bethesda' in terms of discussion material and let's all be real here:

We're all fucking tired of that conversation lol.

So there ain't much to talk on in depth, it's more of a "Here's a newbie seeing new things!" playthrough with nothing to talk about after the fact, which ain't a strong point for the blog- again- that's a stream/video kind of thing.

ANYWHO- Morrowind fun, about the only news I can offer on that series is that it might abruptly end and become a 'for me' series because I'm not particularly interested in beating the game nearly as much as I'm interested in exploring aimlessly and seeing what happens.

I'm not playing Morrowind for the end goal of beating the main quest, or beating the DLCs. I'm playing it to wander into caves and find new pants, so if I reach a point where I'm satisfied with what I've shared and my motivation has not borne a new end goal then I'll end the live blog and move on to a new game :P

Backlog

The short statement I'll make is that this blog is a hell for my backlog.

Even without infinite money on hand I've ended up with so many physical and digital games just sitting here waiting to be played either because they caught my eye or because of recommendations by various people over the years.

I keep sitting down, cataloguing my backlog, realizing it's pointless to catalog, deleting it all, and then starting over yet again.

The fact is, if anyone recommended it it's probably still sitting in a text document somewhere, or physically on my shelf, and I don't remotely know when I'll get to it.

I've yet to hit the point where I decide to turn this blog into work, so I have never sat down and gone "Well, Retphienix NEEDS to post! Sit down, 8-12 hours minimum, let's play the next game!"

And part of me wishes I'd do that, but the fact is this isn't a job. There's no money here, there's the opposite even! I don't remotely see it that way, but if you squint and tilt your head I've spent a lot of money on this blog over the years.

Capture devices (a lot of them!), consoles specifically bought for the blog, controllers out the wazoo, I've gone through multiple computers for this thing, and the games, my lord the games- so many games.

And that's fiscally, what about manpower? So many hours have gone into this blog, so many hours poured into the background of making all this work, researching shit, putting my all into formulating my opinions clearly for posts, writing, hell video shit even though it's mostly clips as my one step into edited content became an impromptu awkward hiatus from doing more lol.

What was I on about.

Despite all that nonsense, Retphienix is a passion project. Not a job.

If I lack the passion in some sense then the work doesn't get done "just for the sake of the work". And I don't mean lost passion as much as "No motivation on x day; tired on y day; interested in doing something else on z day" etc.

If things aren't clickin' I don't force it, so the blog has all this backlog and isn't put together in a way that facilitates burning through it quickly.

I do sometimes wish things were different though, I know I'd still enjoy such a playstyle, but I can't justify "faking it til you make it" in a format that literally isn't built to pay and was never intended to.

I can't work myself for nothin'.

Hypothetical "Next" games

While the backlog is a wild wasteland of titles, there are some that just kinda guarantee their spots sooner rather than later.

Yakuza 6 and 7 along with Judgment, obviously. The series is one of my all time favorites and I generally have some of my absolute most fun on the blog side of things with those games, so it's a winner on two fronts. It's just fun to react to, post out of context things for, and talk with other fans about and for whatever reason tumblr has a healthy enough fanbase for the series that my meager blog gets some attention there.

Dragon Quest has a strangely weighted chance all things considered. DQ has many of the same advantages as Yakuza- it's a series I adore, it's fun to talk about in this format, and the fandom is big enough to occasionally spill my way making the blogging experience a bit more fun. It's also a series where I don't know what'd come next to be fair. Probably DQ4? I mean, might as well continue on from that point since I have 1-3 done. I can't exactly justify replaying the entirety of DQ11 no matter how much I want to! Turning on the games above gave me DQ goosebumps which kinda settled how likely it is to show up sooner rather than later, lol.

Jeez. I looked at one of my surviving lists and that's like all that's popping out at me.

Other series feel like giant leaps with no gas in the tank, like do I want to start playing Kingdom Hearts? Not really, not right now. Do I finally play Lisa? Eeeeeeh. Persona? Hmmmm.

I haven't the fuzziest. There are so many one off interesting titles, but if the drive ain't there they might as well be textbooks.

Perhaps instead of any major next game I'll just do some afternoons exploring random titles for a bit here and there with no intention of beating em.

The idea is enticing as hell, but the feeling of not giving the game's a "real shake" feels bad.

We'll see. The only certainties seem to be Yakuza and DQ, as much as I'd prefer far more.

Side project hypotheticals

Outside of the basic live blog stuff I'm still interested in exploring scripted stuff. Mostly to prove to myself that I can overcome some anxieties and break from the meandering pace the last effort gave- I can write! That much I know! So just gotta trick myself into writing for a video and then make the video after the fact lol.

Current thoughts are on a video exploring the monster taming sub-genre. It's a genre near and dear to my heart, and one I know some weird things about as is- but mostly it's a genre I KNOW I know very little about despite that, so I'd like to give it an overall look, or perhaps just explore some random entries, I haven't a clue lol. I'd mostly like an opportunity to talk about some interesting entries in the genre, things like explaining my adoration for DWM while explaining how the flaws make it really rough today, or the interesting mash of genres that is Lost Magic, or the more modern take that mashes idle-like mechanics with Siralim Ultimate.

Won't lie, playing the demo for Monster Hunter Stories 2 threw a wrench in that plan because it made me want to talk about it and how the genre might have a new breath of life after really grinding to a halt as pokemon became what it is today, but all to be seen or not lol.

As far as other things like streams? Not really.

The concept of writing a bit more on games is tickling the back of my head lately, but that mostly just means "more posts that aren't live-blogging" as I haven't the fuzziest where I'd share such nonsense.

Really it's all up in the air as far as retphienix content is concerned, beyond the live blogging obviously.

5am closing

It's fun to explore what games have to offer, both on the individual level, the personal level, and as a whole- as a medium.

So I like Retphienix.

And I like all I've made here.

I hope to continue for a long, long time- no matter what future formats might look like.

[raziiyah]

This is my Monster Prom OC/persona/monstersona, Raveign Velasco! She is a manananggal!

(The digital art is kinda rough, I just wanted to see what she looked like in colour, I might remake it)

(Lowkey trying to think of a name for her took longer than the time to make this, and this took quite a bit of effort)

Her name, Raveign, (which took me a while to think of oof) is derived from the word 'raven' as both have wings and can fly. It is spelled with unnecessary and silent letters and may be difficult to spell correctly to some, (like my real name yikes) and consists of some letters in the name 'Raziyah' which is the name I usually go by online. Her surname, Velasco, doesn't have much meaning. It does start with the same letter as my initial, but mostly it's just a filipino surname I quite like.

I was going to make my monstersona a reptile girl since I already had her name, design and personality (because she was my old monster high oc lol) but she would be too much like Vera, and I didn't really think her design would fit in the Monster Prom universe. Also, I wanted to be able for her to look a little more like me since she is a monstersona after all.

I wanted to make a more unique character, so I made a monster oc based on the manananggal, a type of ghoul similar to a vampire with large wings, sharp nails, and the ability to split it's body in half.

The Manananggal

The manananggal is a monster from filipino mythology. I thought this was perfect because I'm filipino, so making a filipino monster as my monstersona let me identify with her more. Additionally, I've never seen a manananggal oc before, so I thought it would be really cool to make one. Plus, the manananggal is my favorite filipino monster, (even though I used to be scared of them before as a child)

The manananggal's name comes from the Tagalog word, "tanggal" which means to seperate. It is named this because the manananggal can split it's body into two by the torso, in order to take flight and look for prey.

Raveign has the ability to do that, but she chooses not to often, because her lower half is vunerable when seperated from the top half, since it cannot move. Also, when her lower half is rubbed with garlic, ash or salt, (things she is "allergic" to/things her lower half is "vunerable" to) she cannot rejoin her body. If she is seperated from her lower half and is exposed to the sun, she will die. (If she splits she hides the lower half somewhere no one can find it to avoid this, and makes sure to rejoin before dawn)

Manananggal's are similar to vampires in a way, but instead of sucking blood with sharp teeth, they pierce the skin with very long, hollow, flexible and sharp tounges. They sit on rooftops and wriggle their tounges down small holes to sleeping victims to either suck their blood or suck out and eat the fetus of a pregnant woman. (I didn't draw her tounge at its full length because that would look weird; most of it is tucked away.) They also eat liver, stomach and heart. But, for the sake of her character, Raiveign doesn't eat fetuses or anything, she's just really fond of meat. (Meat lovers pizza is her favorite food!)

Another thing about Raveign is that she can only fly if she is seperated from her lower half, so her wings cannot be used for flight if her body is whole.

My Character

Anyway, less about Raveign's species and more about her character. This may change, she is still a work in progress! Also, when I create personas, I try to make sure they share some traits with myself, but are still a completely different being instead of a clone of myself or a Mary Sue or whatever.

Raiveign is is an introvert, and is somewhat shy to people she doesn't know very well, but likes to speak her mind about things she is passionate about. (Side note: introverted doesn't always mean shy, she just prefers being alone most of the time) She loves art, sports, cooking and all sorts of things. She is kind of average at quite a few activites and skills, better at some and worse at some, but isn't an expert at anything, so she's kind of a jack of all trades. Her grades in certain subjects are the same. Bad at some and good at some, but overall kinda average. Raveign also has mild anxiety, and sometimes suffers panic attacks when unexpected plans arise. She likes alternative rock music, superhero movies, and pizza. She dislikes little kids, bright rooms and large crustaceans.

That's pretty much it since I only just created her, so she doesn't have much character yet. I'll make other posts revealing more about Raveign's character eventually! Hope you guys find her interesting, because I'm excited to develop her character! Stay tuned for more art of her!

And props to you if you read this whole thing. This took a while to write (and probably took you a while to read) but it was fun :))

[marculees]

hiya, i'm turning 18 in two months and i haven't ever kissed anyone, like not even a peck so i kind of relate to the anxiety over kissing in general although in your case it's probably worse, if you've had non-consensual situations that isn't comparable of course. but i what i wanted to say is, that you being comfortable is important. you don't owe your bf any form of affection and you should definitely not feel pressured to kiss him or anything. (1/3)

i know this might be a bit of a conflict for you, i'm guessing you like your bf to some extent ;) but if he can't or won't understand you and makes you feel guilty for not kissing then that's definitely unhealthy. of course he's only human and might lose patience once but you're also human and need to be comfortable with physical affection. i feel a lil dumb for saying all this since i have no experience at all but i just know that women/girls all too often get pushed into a position (2/3)

where affection is a duty and not something they want for themselves. i'm aware that in ireland there's a lot of pressure to have a relationship or be physically affectionate from a fairly young age but please don't let that weigh you down that much. expectations need to be broken sometimes. anyway idk if this all made sense i think i lost my thread somewhere but the moral of the story is: don't feel bad for following your instincts and feeling and YOU COME FIRST. always. (3/3) 

Hi, anon. Firstly, thank you, you’re very kind to send such thoughtful and wise words. Secondly, regardless of the differences with your own experiences, you and your thoughts and feelings are valid! Its also standing from an objective viewpoint, which is always a good stance to have.

The problem is that he doesn’t really make me feel guilty for it; its more of a thing with myself. My ex had an ‘owe’ attitude and my “no”s were mistranslated as “later” 💀 I’m constantly fearful of disappointing others or not being good enough, or that I’m more of a burden than a blessing. I’ve been pushed away before for my disability by people I considered close to me, but on a romantic level comes another layer to be picked apart at. I really like your quote about breaking expectations because there are far too many unhealthy ones set on young people and relationships. Its just when you feel like you’re the only one who doesn’t enjoy something everyone else seems to, it makes you really wonder whether you’re right or not with your feelings. Its like “why can’t I like this, when everyone else does? Is there something wrong with me?” >.

I want to be more physically affectionate. For both our sakes. I just hate feeling like I’m stringing someone along with ‘promises’ I don’t know if I can keep. All I can promise is to try my best, but is my best enough? I don’t know if that makes sense but yeah dskhdljkgjkdh. How long will it be until people get tired of waiting? Why should they wait for me when they could have someone much easier to deal with? Most people feel insecure when not in a relationship but I’m the opposite and I become more critical of myself lol. I think it will take a lot of patience on both ends. I’ve been working on my flinching problem at the very least and its making some progress, which is good. I suppose its just one step at a time!

If I were to describe the situation in a ‘creative’ way, I’d label myself in a polyamorous relationship with my boyfriend, my worries and my mother’s anxiety which she has a bad habit of influencing her upbringing of me. I want to make everyone happy even though that’s impossible, but I will still try. I know that everyone includes me, but I’ll place myself a little lower on that list because if I’m unable to please those I love then how can I be happy with myself, you know? Its really an awkward scenario but I’m hopeful that I’ll figure it out. I’ll conquer my fears and past, and I’ll become the confident person I want to be, and that I need to be. Does being confident equal being ‘the same as everyone else’? That I’m not so sure of...but I guess there’s fun in the mystery ^^’

One thing I am definitely sure of though is that you (anon) will not be silly enough to have these worries. You have a sensible mindset and I can imagine that once you are over your initial nerves, you will feel in control of your body and decisions that are to be made only for you, by you.  No one else. I can only wish you the very best with any romantic encounters in your future, and a BIG thank you for reaching out. It means a LOT and I cannot thank you enough

[irageneve]

I don't usually get into this and I'm also on phone so it's possibly to get all messed up plus my shitty English and all

But let me tell you something really quick.

First of all no "well read" person will EVER drag someone down. never. trust me, uncontroled anger issues, the need to tell your unconstructive opinion everywhere and the overal shitty behavior towards another HUMAN BEING is the easiest way the brain can respond when it is in disagrement. simple said a smart person wouldn't do that due principles and education. so please, calling yourself "well read" doesn't give you any goddamn right to be a piece of sh

Secondly, no matter how bad a person is they can improve! by drawing more, by writting more, by enjoying what they're doing. that's just how it is. how? support. a person blooms with support and love, no matter how bad they start it. there isn't always just talent. the talent means 0 if it isn't worked on. I don't know you, OP, as I don't read mysme fiction that often unless the subject really interests me, but you are brave! you are strong! and you don't know me but I am proud of you. don't take any shit and don't let yourself down for some shitty person who couldn't bring themselves up and now just drags others into dirt. (like someone said in the comments - do it yourself if you are that well read)

I hope you will keep writting and pay no attention to those. I'm sick of "smart" people like this.

also, if you ask of my two cents oppinion, using anon (as I just read a post from @snuggsthebunn - sorry for tagging you dear but I reblogged this from you anyway and I just made the connection with your other rant xD-) for hate is just some coward thinking they're cool between 4 walls. Hopefuly I didn''t get hate (at least not yet), the only hate anon ask I ever recieved and responded, I did to explain others that anon hate, on my blog, is a joke.

you want to argue? come and have a dialog, we're civilized afterall aren't we? you want to spend 10-20 min of your very busy and interesting life to write a shitty hate that wil be ignored and would probably make me laugh? very well, use anon. (I love love-anons tho you all rule and when you live bits of love in your requests is just a gold mine for me 💞 I promise soon I'll get to do the last requests I have btw god i really should stop getting into 746537 subjects at once)

baaack on track is that simple to ignore drama, unnecesary anxiety and so on. I know how that feels. look at the bright part! they even made an account just to send you hate, you are really an important subject to them ;D kidding haha but seeing a bit of good in anything will keep your mental state good o/

anyway "quick" for me went in pages lol, I'm sorry. I ramble a lot BUT my fellow MysMe people - don't hate, eat well and love ❤

Thanks!

So I guess this so what happens when I cut anon off of tumblr to avoid harassment: a shittily named fake account blasts my most recent fics to try and get under my skin!

The last comment they left was absolutely so laughable I couldn’t even try to seriously plop it in because it was so stupid.

Gotta love this fandom! Nearly a whole year later and I’m still getting spammed with shitty comments from a nobody that can’t leave me alone, I wonder who it is?

Thanks for your undying support!