#anyways just thought i'd share that
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NOT WHAT I SAID I WAS GONNA POST BUT-
ok story time actually
I've been busy all day since I got home (also very tired), and I hadn't even STEPPED into my room since I'd gotten home. About an hour ago I walked into my room, the rest of my family already said goodnight to me and went to their own rooms. It was just me and I was putting my stuff away and I looked up at me dresser and noticed something weird on it. When I go up to it I notice its definitely a plushie in a bag but I'm confused cause I didn't buy anything recently and I didn't recognize it. I picked it up and flipped it over to see its face and its BINGO from Bluey 😭
(this is what she looks like- she's so goofy PLEASEEE HADFHHA )
I'm guessing my parents bought it for me but they never mentioned anything about it to me at all, not even when I got home today.
This is kinda a big deal to me cause in the past (mainly my mom but my dad probably thought it too) my parents said a few times that they thought it was weird that I liked a "kids show".
Anytime that Bluey (the show) had been mentioned in anything though they would call me over to show me it or ask about it etc.
I think they bought this cause awhile ago I had been debating on buying a pillow pet of Bingo from a store at the mall (which I ended up not getting cause it was like $30 and I felt kinda childish for wanting it even though people like me WERE IN FACT THE TARGET AUDIENCE (for the plush I mean- not the show really-)).
Weirdly enough though, that was a few months ago that that happened. I dunno if they randomly remembered and decided to get this for me or what but I love her. (WHY IS SHE SO ROUND HELP MEE AFHJHAHFAHAHHAAHA)
#I need to thank them in the morning#hopefully I remember#this is so#aww moment#LMAOO#but actually tho#cause#my parents dont usually do random stuff like that??#I dunno#anyways just thought i'd share that
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Tuff Guys try SO hard to be all "we're not a team" and "we'll be together when it's convenient" and "it's really everyone by themselves" but then they'll have a collective mace that goes around, and they'll help each other get kills even when it's hopeless, and they turned all their attention into helping each other when one of them went under green, and they still have team meetings every start of session, and they still decided to pool their resources, and they still have a collective calling card, and in the beginning of session 7 Bdubs still says, "I know what I want, Tango knows what he wants, now what do you want?" and it's framed as a question about kills but it's not, not really, and Etho still doesn't really answer.
They say they're not a team, but they still call Etho a traitor as though you can betray something that apparently doesn't exist. They say they don't care, but Tango still tells Ren "Not gonna lie, I was going to get kinda sad that Bdubs was trying to kill me, but it's just you." (paraphrased, but still). There's that part when Tango and Bdubs are talking and they both come to the conclusion Tango can't trust him, and the thing is, Bdubs could have lied. He could have said sure you can, but he knows Tango knows because they know each other enough, because they've been a team enough times, because they are a team and that's what he'd've done.
Tuff Guys went into the alliance fully vocal about how it wouldn't work. This never leads good places for them. They're doing it anyway. They'll never admit it, not directly, not loud and clear, because it's hurt them enough times as is, but they still live next to each other and they still coordinated team attacks in session 7 and they still haven't committed to real distrust among them
All this to say that denial is a river and egypt and by god they are DIVING
#ecstra explosions#ethoslab#bdubs#bdoubleo100#tango of the tek variety#tuff guys#wild life smp#wild life#wlsmp#they make me a little crazy. just a little bit. a teeny tiny bit#every day I wake up think about tuff guys and cry#anyway. sorry. had thoughts again thought I'd share them#do ignore how clunky and weird this is I don't have TIME for posts that make sense THE PATIENT NEEDS TUFF GUYS TO LIVE#tangotek#<- forgot to tag him normally oops
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2025 is coming so i let my friend @kayseeye [new agdt mod and assistant!!] clear agdt's askbox
as devastating as it was to see a bunch of creative remarks and asks go down the drain - let's be real, i won't have time to answer them with how linear the story is becoming for ease of access [goodbye 500 asks... though kacey took screenshots of drawings you guys sent in our inbox!!!]
hooowever, there's also another key reason we had to clear the inbox
[^ satire btw]
very long and convoluted psa/ramble about this matter ahead! but also slightly important and i encourage you to read it if you think about using agdt's inbox as a way to vent or share things about your irl troubles
some people treat the blog's inbox as a venting area
it doesn't really make me uncomfortable, it's just something i prefer not seeing. i don't like sharing or being shared personal information especially from an anon or a stranger
this doesn't go for just agdt - it goes for all blogs you interact with: please don't make yourself vulnerable to a stranger on the internet. you are putting yourself in a dangerous spot.
if you need escapism or help, turn to a professional or someone close - going to a stranger can go horribly wrong in two ways: you make them uncomfortable and subject them to a responsibility they never signed up for, or you let someone use your vulnerabilities and personal information against you.
i can probably count like 100 or so asks of people sharing something overly personal and asking for comfort. i don't hate it, i'm not mad, i'm just worried and i hope the people who send them become aware that they should not send those asks knowing that if they're answered, they could be answered publicly with everyone and their mama being able to see that vulnerable moment in that ask.
"just ignore them, wyll! besides, you didn't have any rules abt yo blog anyway, yo!"
nah, i'd win
can't exactly ignore them when it's been almost a year of young impressionable users over sharing to a stranger who answers asks publicly [along with the fact that i hardly see people talk about this matter when it comes to rp/ask blogs.] also so they don't do this to another askblog that has another impressionable youngin running it and publicizes asks that contain personal life info.
we don't add rules to asks on agdt because we can pick and choose which ones we answer. a set of rules isn't going to stop an asshole from breaking them so i'm not wasting my time trying to enforce one. and that's not what i'm trying to do in this post either. i'm putting this out there because i don't want people making the irrational decision of making their life and weakest moments accessible to people who want to use it against them.
i'm not trying to make a big deal out of this either. i can just skip or delete asks that i know i shouldn't answer or won't be able to. but that's my side of responsibility as someone with a platform. i want to make it clear that the audience that decides to interact with these kinds of blogs should be aware that just because you're behind a screen and concealed by an internet persona, that doesn't mean you're any safer from other people using your vulnerabilities against you.
#very loooong i might've gotten carried away#long post#psa#semi important ramble#but this has been something in my mind ever since i've received#the first ask that was very parasocial#initially i thought it was just a rare instance#however i came to realize that there are actually a lot of people#who i assume are young or uneducated about the internet space#that have no problem sharing a lot of personal information about themselves and their irl issues#i mean over a hundred asks out of 500+ i'd consider very parasocial and personal#i wish i had brought this up sooner#happy new year anyway!!!#agdt#ag dreamtale#ardent gospel#ag nightmare#utmv#undertale au#my artwork#doodles#wyllaztopia rambles#nightmare sans#killer sans#ag killer
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So do be careful...
#mary and george#mary & george#maryandgeorgeedit#perioddramaedit#george villiers#robert carr#nicholas galitzine#laurie davidson#userninz#chrissiewatts#usersteen#usergayppl#usernuria#mine*#going insane and thought i'd share with the class#GIRL STAND UP#robert did Not need to be doing allll that#hollllyyyyyyy shit.#the fucking nod in the first one......................#just one chance plsplsplspls#anyway. this scene was so sexually charged i needed to look away#and then watch it again like 10 times#i'm so serious when i say i'm always thinking about one of their scenes#wdym he was only in 3 eps#mary and george spoilers
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i think you guys are onto smth..
i unironically got invested in this HELP
#WHERES THE FIC AT IF SOMEONE WRITES THIS I WILL PAY THEM A HUNDRED DOLLARS😭😭#kunikida serving the country while dazai's serving cunt😔#dazai was born to malewife but forced to manipulate and i think that's the greatest tragedy of bsd#anyway some facts i would like to share abt this au thay i came up w while drawing!!#takes place in 1939 (start of wwii) and there was a mandatory draft that required one male over eighteen from each house to serve#both of them are still twenty two and had been engaged for abt two years before getting married that year#newlyweds! unfortunately kuni had to go fight and they were seperated :(#before the war kunikida was a math teacher at the local high school and dazai obviously managed the household and didn't work#he's hopeless at cooking and meal prep even w recipie books so they either get those prepackaged meals or kuni makes dinner when he gets ba#so like when he's making lunch for kunikida he normally just packs a basic sandwich w raw fruit#kunikida always appreciates the effort even tho hes probably sick of having the same thing everyday but he won't complain abt it#when kunikida joined the army he was relieved that the mess hall had better food than dazai#he was the only one in his platoon that never complained abt the food so his fellow soldiers assumed it was bc he came from a tough bg#when in reality he was just used to being poisoned on a daily basis from his dumbass husbands cooking and was hardly fazed from army ration#they write to each other although its more dazai sending and kuni receiving bc hes off fighting and doesnt have time to write back#dazai talks abt life on the homefront and how he has to grow a victory garden (everything is DYING HE CANT EVEN RAISE TOMATOES)#and kuni writes abt his fellow soldiers and how the war is going and when he thinks he'll be home and how he misses sleeping in a bed#ANYWAY yea thought i'd share sry for infodumping in the tags again#this post is for like the four ppl that care abt this specific flavor of knkdz so hopefully this gets four notes at least#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#dazai osamu#osamu dazai#kunikida doppo#doppo kunikida#kunikidazai#knkdz#lotus draws#bro sry for posting at two in the morning i couldnt sleep until i got this out of my head they have infested my brain
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Themcore
#billdip#gravity falls#guys im having so much fun#i love you all im so glad we’re back#ive been making stuff quietly for muself for years i. just glad to get to share#i never thought i'd see the day#anyway :)#used melonsoup refs btw#c
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The first break
#object head#Huche#Dr.Jingles#Cen#comic#it's HERE I'm DONE#before the end of the year too#just a little OC treat for myself but I thought I'd share anyways#cw body horror#just in case
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Btw just want to be clear that Time and Time Again is set to, and will if I don't pause, conclude in May 2025!
Webtoon didn't want to renew or give me any extra episodes so I'm trying to work with what I have. I'm sorry it's ending sooner than I'd like, it's been difficult to come to terms with and challenging to condense my plans.
You deserve a solid conclusion, and I've spent months writing to try and reach that. If there's anything you'd really like to see before it ends, do let me know in case I can (and want to) fit it in.
I'd rather not work with them again, and I hope I won't have to! But coming off of years being overworked and underpaid does not make that easy, to say the least...
I'm doing my best, and I hope you like what I have coming up.
#years of being overworked. underpaid. and literally manipulated and gaslit lmfao#it does not feel good to beg to be treated equally. and then told to be satisfied with less than that#it has been repeatedly demoralizing and insulting#and im not doing it again#i would rather nanny again (most exhausting job ive ever had) than work with them again#but. i would rather not!#I'd rather continue to make comics#but to do it full time i would need like 500 patrons on the $5 tier minimum...#which is SO MANY PEOPLE and incomprehensible to me#ive already proven to myself i can live on 25k a year but obviously its tight (i live in socal)#this. is not what this post is about#it's so hard for me not to complain about them#i feel bad for my current patrons i only share stuff on discord as of right now#well i do the merch packages but like#it's mostly just my discord#just dont have the time or energy to manage my patreon#cause idk if yall know but patreons site is TERRIBLE from the creator side???#it takes like 5 minutes to upload a single post it's ridiculous#so i cant manage it rn. I've thought about hiring someone to help me with it but i cant afford any help#anyways ultimately this is informing people its gonna end#and is turning into a vent around all of the stress surrounding that#like i literally had to take a couple months to just be sad its gonna end and come to terms with that#its hard! it's hard feeling so tossed aside and having your stories controlled even in part by someone else#anyways yeah#i havent finished writing the last arc yet#so theres space for me to fit stuff if theres something people really want#so id like to get in what i could if i can!#text post#sorry i always turn any thoughts about comics into vents about webtoon#theyre so ass man..... it's fine. im gone in may...
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Every year around Easter Ghost hides somewhere on the training grounds. If you find him you get half of his leave.
Soldiers all around go fucking feral, Ghost never takes any leave and there's rumours that start around Christmas of how long you'd be able to go home. Weeks probably aren't enough maybe a few months? Some are sure it's at least a full year.
Except of course no one ever finds him.
He's the Ghost and if he doesn't want to be found he isn't. He's just taking the piss, enjoying how the event has people riled up for weeks. He's not one for practical jokes, but this has him cackling.
Enter Soap, the FNG, the man who brings Ghost to his knees. They do their whole song and dance, and come Easter Ghost is hugging his boyfriend before preparing to hide.
Soap promising with a cocky smile that he'll find Ghost and they are going to use that leave for a nice holiday. Which Ghost smiles at, his sweet naive Soap, as if he's gonna hand him a win just because he loves him.
Imagine Ghost's shock when a few hours later he spots Johnny from his hiding spot. He's still high in a tree but the other man is walking directly in his direction and after a few moments he looks up.
Once Ghost is down the tree, still incredulous, but also very much in love, he asks Soap how he did it.
"Let my heart guide me, L.t." is the answer he gets which he calls out for the bloody nonsense it is.
Takes him all the way back to base to make him talk. And even then Johnny just hugs him, reaching around putting a hand in his back pocket (not unusual) and digging around (definitely unusual). Producing a small piece of technology.
"You fucking tracked me?!" his jaw nearly drops at the realisation.
"Aye, slipped it in this mornin' when we hugged."
"You little shit." is all that his brain will allow, mostly hung up on the cocky smile on Soap's face. The same as this morning.
He should be fuming. His proud record broken, he actually has to make good on the promise that so far has been all but hypothetical. Price will be in hysterics about the amount of paperwork that comes with it.
But he can't find it in him to care. He's mesmerized at Soap outplaying him. Drunk on the weird sense of pride that Johnny is so observant and skilled. Most of all he's blown away by the fact that he never even considered the possibility. It would be easy to blame hubris here, but that's not the reason no-one ever pulled a similar stunt.
No, Soap was able to do this because Ghost let him get close. Because he trusts him.
The Ghost that met Soap a few months ago would've panicked at this point. Soap had not only seen his weak spot, he clearly was also cunning enough to use it to his own advantage.
The Ghost that has been loved by Johnny for months now doesn't. Because he trusts him. And because he's proud. And because the rational part of his brain realises that any enemy agent would never have exposed their advantage for a game.
"If you ever do anything like this again-" he doesn't need to know where he wants to end that sentence, but Soap's interjection saves him the trouble "No worries, I like meself alive too."
He'll still have to be careful next year. After all he found a worthy opponent and he can't just make it too easy on him. Probably can not let Soap touch him before the game. Maybe not even the night before. Just to be safe. A fortnight should do it. But that also means a fortnight of not touching Soap...
But he can consider that later. For now he and Soap have a holiday to plan.
#this devolved from purely fun to feelings I'm sorry#anyways this is unrealistic as fuck but also gave me a serotonin so i thought i'd share#i just love the idea of soap outplaying ghost like that#and ghost unable to be mad because hes got a whole thing for soaps competence#because he really wants soap to be better than him one day#ghostsoap#simon ghost riley#soapghost#cod mwii#johnny soap mactavish#cod#captain john price#cod hc#sorry for the weird hc
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Ghost : Ok, why do you baby Gaz so much, you do know he's a grown man, right?
Price : Oh come on, first off I don't baby him, second, jealousy doesn't suit you, third, he's the youngest of us, it's only normal that I watch over him a bit more, he's basically a baby, he just turned 27 last week!
Gaz : Damn, don't remind me, I feel old. But also like, maybe it's because he's the youngest sibling, but I do feel older than Soap most days, to be honest.
Price : Well yeah, you two are very close in age, but Soap's actually gonna turn 29 later this year, right Soap?
Soap :
Price : ... Soap?
Soap : Yep, sorry, yeah, wasn't paying attention, sure, I'm gonna be uh... 28? Wait no, that was last year, 29 right, ahah...
Ghost :
Gaz :
Price :
Soap : *avoids eye contact*
Price : How old are you son?
Soap : 29?
Gaz : Aren't you supposed to be 28...?
Soap : Ahah, yeah, that's what I meant, I'm 28, I'm gonna be 29... right?
Ghost : You're lying aren't you. You look like you're lying. Price, he's lying.
Price : What's your birth year?
Soap :
Price : ....
Soap, visibly counting on his fingers : 1994 !
Ghost, staring at Price with his look(tm) :
Gaz : Wait, you don't know your birth year by heart?
Ghost : No, he just doesn't remember the lie he said.
Soap : Come on, LT, what do you mean, a lie, I'm just your average 29 years old man, born in 1994, what do you want me to say?
Ghost : Johnny, you'd be born in 1993 if you were 29, I mean, if you didn't also lie about your birthday.
Soap :
Price, having had enough of today already : Okay, how old are you really. What's your real birth year.
Soap : ..... 1996 ?
Gaz : I'M NOT THE FUCKING BABY ANYMORE THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE !!!
Ghost, concerned : You're 26 ?? But your file said you've been in active duty for 10 years !
Soap : Yep 😁👍
Ghost :
Soap : Funny story, I was actually 15 when i enrolled, cause it was before my birthday, but yeah.
Ghost :
Soap : Don't look at Price like that, he knew all about me ~allegedly~ kidnapping a military officer and still wanted me, he's not gonna push me out because my joints are gonna hurt two years later than he originally thought.
Gaz : Wait, no, back up, you did what to a military officer?
Soap : Oh, I never told you? Yeah, he was really pissing me off, you know how it is-
Price : I'm going back to bed.
#cod mw2#simon ghost riley#captain john price#kyle gaz garrick#john soap mactavish#ghostsoap#soapghost#i have this problem around 6 am where i think i'm hilarious when i'm actually just delirious#anyway i had this bit into my head for a while; thought i'd share#price is their dad i don't make the rules#he also hates his children (that's not true he loves them tho he does prefer farah by far)#(she's the only one that can get a turn with the 141 braincells and only bc she already has her own)
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Hey, everyone! I realized that I never shared the Ghost King Danny Phantom cosplay I made, so I thought I'd upload some photos. I'm not really comfortable putting my face on here, so that's obscured, which is a shame because you can't see my awesome makeup, but ah well.
If anyone wants to hear me ramble about the different parts of the cosplay please let me know; I'm so proud. I made everything myself!
#Danny phantom#cosplay#ghost king Danny phantom#i'm so proud#please tell me if you want to hear me ramble about the different parts of the cosplay#I'm so proud#I might end up rambling even if no one expresses interest#tbh I'm a little nervous putting any photos of myself on the internet#bc I've never uploaded anything anywhere#and I'm worried I'll unknowingly break some internet safety rule and get doxxed or something#anyway just thought I'd share the cosplay#let me know what you think of it!#:D
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NEST 2024 + Gatherings Going Forward (again)
Attended my 4th NEST this year! This is just a quick point-form summary as I’m still dropping and wanted a write-up before I fly out this weekend to see my moms!
Perhaps I wore my “tickle me I’m cute!” shirt on Friday- and perhaps it got me pinned and gang tickled by 4 friends UGH- I haven’t been gang tickled since last June which is WILD honestly. Kinda hoping wishing this June it happens again 👀
Learning that it’s okay to let people touch me. 🙄😒 From my past writing “AUNT 2024 + Gatherings Going Forward,” I shared that I’ve denied myself from playing with friends until everything felt perfect, but recognized that I set the bar way too high and that maybe I just fear that “awkward first session” because I’m really awkward with touching and this fetish. At NEST this year I’ve allowed friends I’ve met and connected with at previous gatherings to tickle me in the con-spaces to break that touch barrier in a fun, familiar way for everyone. I also let myself engage in pick-up sessions with friends to get that “awkward first session” out of the way! I had to reassure myself throughout the weekend that it was okay that they were touching me, and they were touching me because they wanted to~.
My nesting partner is choosy about the gatherings he attends as he wants to focus on those he has connected with already, and can find gatherings overwhelming at times. This NEST made me feel similar- I want to continue attending gatherings, and I love meeting new people, though going forward I’m going to focus on regular attendees and friends I know from previous gatherings. There are a lot of regulars and mutuals I would love to get to know better and potentially play with- I’m just really awkward and don’t know how to approach people, and in turn I feel I accidentally give off a closed-off vibe. I would like to be part of my friends’ friend group, I just don’t know how to integrate! NEST going forward, I would love to volunteer and help out more to continue making the gathering the best it can be!
Oh, I had my first Wawa experience! I tried their Caramel Cookies and Cream Frozen Cappuccino, IT WAS SO GOOD, Starbucks Frapps could never. definitely kept me up way past my bedtime! 😋 Also the mascot is a (Canada) Goose because Wawa was originally a dairy farm in Wawa, Pennsylvania, and the Ojibwe word “we’we” means “Snow Goose.” Now I need a Sheets experience~.
I got to try out @ticklingduck's vibrating tickling rods! @mister-ttt and I did record content including them! They are like a small Pursonic (without it stopping after 2 minutes~)! 😏 I also BOUGHT ONE!! 🎉 @ticklingduck's socials: Etsy, Twitter, Tumblr.
Wore my Geurdo Link cosplay on auction night, even though I was not participating in the auction, and I was extremely shy so I just sat in the audience and didn’t really show it off LMAO!! (Still editing the tickle video featuring this cosplay, previews are in the NEST Server and on my OF~).
I’ve had the literal pleasure of forming a play partner dynamic with a local friend, and he has really built up my confidence, self-esteem, and has helped me be more self-sex-positive. It was exciting to carry that sex-positivity into some sessions this weekend, and I learned that I really like being consensually sexually violated by friends.. 🥴💦 don't look at me.
This weekend really validated my growth and boundaries. Finding this gathering somewhat personally hard to navigate because I wasn’t meeting my exact wants (a me-issue, not NEST's), that helped me recognize that I’m not the same person I was at my first NEST and other 2019 gatherings, and that I’m truly growing. I wasn’t able to navigate NEST like I did in 2019, so now I know I’m on the right path and know what I’m exactly looking for.
And finally on the last day of the gathering, I’m sitting in the lobby in my lazy travel fit, not showered, sporty wind-breaker, capris, my glasses, pink paw print socks + sandals of course, and a guy I’m pretty sure was not part of the NEST group asked me if I was “Kyle-“ and there were other men around. I say no, and guy just wanders back to where he came from. Assigned Kyle at NEST. I have not felt gender euphoria in a long time. 🥹
anyway, the end. looking forward to the next gatherings~
#hi I'm never here but I'm doing really well! just lots going on in the in-person scene so I'm active there!#I still pop in from time-to-time. But I'm definitely happier in-person.#Thought I'd share my NEST 2024 experience as Fetlife got this! My AUNT 2024 is on my Fetlife too!#Anyway- I hope to see lots of familiar and new faces at NEST 2025~! I'm hoping to do lots of volunteering at future NESTs and events! :)#my posts#NEST#NEST 2024#tickle gatherings#my writing#tickles#text
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rottmnt hot take
gun to head ask me to name 5 casey jr personality traits. EVERYBODY DEAD!!
#rottmnt#send tweet#i love him but the version i love is entirely invented in my head#like his role in the movie is interesting#his actual character though..#well lets just say#mama (me) aint too happy her babygirl Cassandra Jones was essentially replaced with a really boring casey jones#not knocking casey jr fans here i get it i truly do#well.#anyways i got a new laptop and im making my first tumblr post on it#college is soon and before i become less active than i already am#i thought i'd share my true feelings#dont take this as a personal attack#and dont take it seriously.
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ngl, "I'm the only one who understands [x] character" or "only ten people actually get [x] character" is like the #1 biggest red flag to me that a person probably will have an inaccurate interpretation of a character. because if you've decided that you understand that character in a uniquely objective way over others, you inherently wall yourself off from alternate opinions by deciding they're wrong on the basis of simply not being the exact same as yours. if you can't incorporate or even just ponder other people's perspectives, people who have lived different lives and are approaching the content through different but potentially very useful lenses, you might miss out on some extremely enlightening and fascinating interpretations. building yourself an insulated echo chamber is probably the worst thing you could do when assessing a character like that
#this is not about anything in specific it's just something i've been thinking about for a while#because I do see this kind of rhetoric come up more commonly than i'd like#like god even with veth i'd never say i understand her more than anyone else does. that's so stupid. and untrue#plenty of people probably understand her better than me even if just by a life experience that is more similar than anything i share w/her#when someone makes an inaccurate assessment of a character it is almost always because they've not actually taken the time to get it right#through interacting with and striving to understand what canon is saying#someone who actually puts in the energy and time to think and gather legit evidence for a thoughtful opinion?#that opinion is worth considering even if you won't always agree#but someone who's just like ''i'm the only one who understands them'? they will rarely show you the receipts for why that is#anyway#just thoughts
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Things about top surgery that I didn't expect (double incision)
It hurt so much less right after waking up than I thought it would, it was similar to pneumonia lung pain like kind of a burning sensation
Wasn't hard or upsetting to get used to my new look!! Also there isn't an ounce of regret in me, I thought I'd have some at least in the first few weeks
I had the posture of a shrimp for like two whole weeks from that compression garment
It itches as it heals which is fucked up bc I can't feel shit in any of it and also when I try to gently pat it to make the itch go away, I can't feel that either so it doesn't help :')
I'm like 5 weeks post-op and I still can't raise my arms above my head gdkdhskhdn
Still reaching for a bra or binder out of habit when getting dressed
It still feels like I'm somehow??? Hiding my chest???? Like when I was still just binding, I still go like "oh this is a good outfit, it hides my chest well" boy you haven't got a chest to hide
The urge to pull out the loose ends of my dissolvable stitches,,,,
#this stayed in my drafts for a while as I went about my recovery and collected them dgkdhdkd#anyway not much reason for it I'm just compiling my thoughts and documenting my experiences#ftm#top surgery#might add onto this as I go#anyway the scabs from my grafts have almost all fallen by now! there's just one tiny bit left#it makes me super happy#I love the way I look#it fills me with this joy and excitement and comfort that I didn't think I'd ever feel about my body#huge shoutout to that one person here on tumblr who helped me through a lot of the process#<3#also I know my experiences aren't necessarily universal#just thought it'd be cool to share
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calling harry a “can opener” was SUCH a good play for so many reasons i think about it every day.
in the context of his work, it makes him a tool. as many people have pointed out, including martin luiga, part of the hdb tragedy is that he simply cannot leave the force, and his superiors know that and are using it to their advantage. no matter what happens, even if harry hated every nanosecond of every bit of the work and wanted to leave, he can’t and won’t leave. they can leverage anything they want against him and then reel him back in with a facade of kindness when they “allow” him to keep his job, as long as he does what they want him to. the 41st knows he has this inexplicable talent with people and they use him for it. he’s a cop: that talent can be used in so many awful ways, to push so many different agendas. and they won’t even be his own. a can opener has no particular desire to open a can, aside from maybe the satisfaction of fulfilling a purpose. a can opener has no agency, it’s just a tool for someone else to use to get what they want. and he’s learned to be okay with being used as long as it means he gets to stay. his complacency with this system makes him guilty even if he’s also being harmed by it.
but in the context of his personal life you kind of... flip it. the people around him are going to be opened up whether they want to be or not, and it’s terrible for his relationships. it’s shown that the questions, the prying- the can-opening- it’s become inextricable from who he is as a person. it’s like he doesn’t know how else to communicate, except it’s hardly communication when you’re just ripping people open. he’s invasive as all hell, although whether he means to be is debatable. he’s the kind of person that wants to take things apart to see what makes them tick. he dissects people, but really that’s too delicate of a word for what he does; if he doesn’t get what he wants right up front, he’ll abandon all subtlety and go for brute force. if he can’t get your screws loose he’ll just smash you on the ground and pick through your pieces until he’s satisfied, and if what he did to you isn’t fixable? oh well, there are other cans to open.
and he’ll use it for personal gain: we already know he is (was?) manipulative. once he knows how you operate, he knows how to make you keep him. he can yell or he can cry; he can threaten you or he can threaten himself; he can be completely suffocating or he can withdraw completely; he can be an incorrigible liar or brutally honest; he can present himself as a threat or a joke or a talent. he’s a chimera- that’s why he’s got this inexplicable magnetism, even when people know they shouldn’t like or trust him. fidelity of character means nothing to him. he’ll be whatever he needs to be as long as it gets him what he wants. the can-opening is just his way in.
#disco elysium#harry du bois#and it works on us the audience as well!#look at how many different versions of harry there are out there. each tailored to our individual preferences#we exaggerate and minimize his traits according to what we want to see. he's can-opening us too!#it's just like. of course his job will frame the can opening as a positive thing#but it's honestly one of his worst traits. or at least it is when he doesn't keep it in check#there's nothing wrong with wanting to understand people but the way he goes about it is harmful to everyone including himself#he's doing it because he has ulterior motives like 99.999998% of the time#this is mostly about pre-martinaise harry but i have no doubts that post-martinaise harry can go right back to this btw#a lot of us prefer to think of harry as drastically improving after martinaise which is great and i'd like to hope he does but.#it's also good to consider the overwhelming possibility that he will go right back to being a total shithead#and that may be completely unintentionally! which almost makes it worse!#ALSO. this is part of why kim makes a very good foil#for the most part kim will stonewall anything he doesn't feel like sharing#harry needs to respect boundaries and by god does kim have a lot of those (affectionate)#HOWEVER kim is definitely susceptible to the can opening as well#wait okay i have another post idea.#anyway thanks for reading. as always feel free to add and share thoughts!#kiwipost#hdb meta
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