#anyways i hope this person is happy and having a beautiful day because her joy that day was so infectious

[artigas]

yesterday, i went to a bookstore and i picked up two books i’d been meaning to buy, but needed help finding a novel I hadn’t spotted on the shelves. There were three youths at the front desk and, while one of them looked for a book for me, the other told me: ‘i’m not trying to be nosy or anything, but i love the books you’ve picked so far! are you into horror?’ and i laughed and said yes and she told me about how she just finished a college class on gothic literature and she’s obsessed. and i was like that’s rad, i love gothic literature!!

and then she was like: have you read dracula? and i said yes. and then she was like: but have you read carmilla?? and i fibbed a little, because she was just so excited to share something new with me, you could see it plain on her face, and i said i had years and years ago (i re-read it a year ago lol) and that i could hardly remember anything about the book (oopsie lol)  -- which was the right answer actually because this person just lit up like a light! and she started telling me about what she learned about carmilla in her class and, after a bit, she asked me she could recommend three more books for me

and i said of course!! please do! and she brought two books I already read -- one of them, in fact, that i had read before it was published, bc of my work in the new york public library. but she was so excited and so young and she so clearly wanted to give me something new to read!! it reminded me of my early days in the library: how young i was then, how eager I was to share books i loved with strangers, how useful i felt when i gave a recommendation that landed. i didn’t tell her i’d read it. Instead, i read the back of the book, knowing she was watching me, and said: “this is right up my alley, thank you so much for recommending this to me! i appreciate you so much!” 

anyways, i ended up buying seven books that day, including the two which I already read before -- but man, i’m so happy i did and i’m so happy i could be part of a person’s joy and be there to listen to someone tell me all the cool things they learned about the books i love!!

[gooobraghhh]

Me again, sent something earlier today if you want context. This one isn’t nsfw but since you are also in a st4t relationship, I just wanted to say it’s so nice to see and I genuinely wish for you all the happiness in the world. I think being able to transition along with my girlfriend has been one of the most precious and fulfilling experiences of my life, especially when I’m able to reclaim femininity taught to me as a child in a way that helps her. I personally don’t care for makeup, but she does, and me knowing how to means I can do hers and make her feel pretty. And she is, of course, the most beautiful woman on earth with or without. I’m glad this is an experience you get to have and I sincerely hope you also have these healing and wonderful trans joy moments with your boyfriend. -🕯️

Yeah st4t romance and joy is very fun to experience. I’ve transitioned long enough to where I’m pretty confident at most girl things but he definetly helped push me forward every step of the way. He’ll occasionally insist on doing my makeup or hair because he wants me to look a certain way for a given day and it’s always very sweet and doting. Will say though his growing up experience of femininity was funny because even when he was like a little girl he had like linebacker shoulders and has always just looked masculine. We sometimes look at old pictures and joke about how cruel his genetics would have been if he wasn’t trans.

Anyway I agree on how fulfilling it is. Pushing each others transitions using life experience from being raised the opposite gender is just like so gratifying and it really gives you a place to put all the parts of you you’re no longer using as you transition. It’s always nice to hear from other successful st4t relationships or t4t relationships in general

[radical-ghostface]

Missing Time Chapter.4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Summary: It had been 10 years since Sebastian Sallow was sent to Azkaban for the murder of his uncle, Solomon Sallow. He was finally released and was intent on getting revenge against MC and Ominis for turning him in, but upon arrival at their tiny house, he made a shocking discovery. MC had a daughter, and the child was his.

Warnings: Mentions of Dark!MC, Depression, PTSD, and a whole boatload of angst.

Pairings: Dad!Sebastian Sallow X F!MC, Ominis Gaunt X Anne Sallow

(Alright ya'll this one is definitely lengthier than the last 3 chapters. I wanted to go more into MC and her life and how everything has affected her, and may have gotten carried away. Sorry I keep leaving you all in suspense 😬 lol anyways! I hope you all enjoy 🙂)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MC sighed absent-mindedly as she took pieces of her daughter's hair in her hands, swirling them around each other until they formed braids. Ominis sat across from them, smiling happily.

From the outside looking in, she probably seemed so content with her little life, happy even. 'What a beautiful family', people would think. What those people would never see was that her heart was heavy—filled with a deep despair and longing for what could have been and never would be. She had never quite been the same since the.. incident.

Most days, when she knew no one was watching, she would just lay there, not eating or speaking to anyone—lost in her own mind, in the painful memories of the past.

On these days, she would reach into her bedside table and pull out the only picture of him she had left, the one thing she had kept hidden, just for herself. She would cry for hours upon hours as she allowed herself to drown in the sea of emotions and pain. Her heart longed for him in ways that nothing else could possibly ever remedy.

MC never forgave herself for being absent the day Sebastian was harshly ripped from her life and thrown into Azkaban. See, what most people didn't realize was that she had no part in his imprisonment.

After everything had happened with Solomon, she was almost immediately thrust into her confrontation with Rookwood, preventing her from fully processing what had just happened.

"Children should be seen and not heard."

Hearing Rockwood utter the words she'd heard from Sebastian countless times set a fire inside her, and she was out for blood. This man was responsible for everything that had happened to the Sallow twins, and she would have vengeance for that.

MC was more vicious than she had ever been. The loving and childish spark was gone from her eyes, a cold murderous look replacing them. She was almost unrecognizable.

"Crucio!"

He crumpled over in pain, screaming at the top of his lungs.

She found she took great joy in his pain, watching him writhe around like a helpless little muggle.

She knelt next to his screaming form, taking it all in.

"You don't think I'm finished with you yet, do you?" she laughed coldly. "You have a great deal to pay for, and I'm going to make sure you pay for it with your blood."

Perhaps she had taken it too far because, by the time she was finally finished, he was a bloody babbling mess. Begging for it to end, for her to award him a small amount of kindness and just put him out of his misery. These pleas were ignored.

With every curse she cast on Rookwood, a flash of Solomon's last moments in the catacomb flooded her mind. Rookwoods curse on Anne had destroyed who Sebastian was as a person—taken away his innocence, pushed him to become a murderer. She was never going to let that go.

"Oh, I would love nothing more than to use the killing curse on you right now," she snarled, "but think I'll just settle for taking your wand and leaving you here to die. Slowly. Suffering"

She picked up his blood-soaked wand, taking one final look at his gasping form before apparating out of there.

When she had finally returned to Hogwarts to tell Sebastian the news, he was gone.

She refused to speak about it with anyone, resulting in several people assuming she had been the cause of his imprisonment or, at the very least, involved.

Shortly after this, she was forced to confront Ranrok in an attempt to save the school. She succeeded but also lost Fig in the ensuing chaos.

Her efforts earned her the title,

"HERO OF HOGWARTS."

She loathed the name. Hero? She couldn't even save the love of her life from a fate worse than death. She was no hero.

She had found out she was pregnant shortly after that; Ominis and Anne gave her their full support and vowed to keep her and the baby safe.

Regardless of everything that had happened, this was a piece of Sebastian. A piece of the boy that they had tried so desperately to save from himself.

They had failed him, but they wouldn't make the same mistake with his child.

MC had to live with the knowledge that if she hadn't tortured Rookwood nearly to death that night, she might have made it back in time. She could have saved him. Instead, she let her bloodlust take over. She had allowed the darkness to win, and it cost her the most important thing in her life.

Not a day goes by that she doesn't think about him sitting in that cold cell, alone in the dark, dementors sucking out his very essence.

Then suddenly, she can't breathe, and Ominis is kneeling next to her on the floor, trying to help her regulate her breathing and rubbing small circles on her back.

This was almost a daily occurrence.

Ever since Sebastian had been sentenced, she would get regular flashes of their last time together in the catacomb. She would see his face clear as day, the pain and utter defeat etched into his features as if she were standing next to him. She would see Solomon's dead body and Anne's flames destroying the Inferi.

She could feel the flames on her face, and she swore if she stretched her hand out far enough, she could reach him. Pull him out of this painful memory and into her life, but every time she tried, the air was sucked from her body all at once, and she was on the floor, gasping for breath.

This was the main reason Ominis and Anne had invited MC to live with them after they had gotten married. The other reason was that Anne wanted to be there for the birth of her niece. It was no surprise how attached she felt to this baby; it was essentially the only family she had left.

Anne's deep devotion to the baby led to MC picking the perfect name.

Anne Sallow.

She absolutely cried over that for a few hours.

They all knew Anne's time was short, having never found a cure, but that didn't stop Ominis from insisting on making her his wife. He was determined to give the woman he loved a happy life while he had the chance.

If anyone deserved happiness, it was Anne, and when MC gave birth, they made the perfect little family.

Little Anne was about five years old by the time her aunt finally succumbed to Rookwoods curse. It took a significant toll on the family, with MC falling into an even deeper depression than before. She could barely get up or do any basic housework. She couldn't even get her daughter dressed in the morning or feed her breakfast. She felt like a failure, like she was the worst mother in the world.

That's when Ominis stepped up to take on most of the responsibilities, all the while assuring her this wasn't something she could control, and both he and little Anne knew she was doing her best.

By the ten year mark, she had finally felt more stable, like they had figured out their little routine.

Despite that, the images of Sebastian never ceased to plague her mind. She didn't think she would ever truly be happy.

The sound of a question directed her way pulled MC out of her thoughts.

"Hm?"

"I said, now that you've finished braiding my hair, is it okay if I go outside and play for a little while?"

She looked up and saw Anne's braids freshly done. She hadn't even realized she'd finished. She must have been caught up thinking for a while because Ominis was now asleep on the couch opposite her.

"Yes, of course, sweetheart. Just be safe."

Anne jumped up excitedly and threw on her coat.

"Of course, Mommy! I always am," She said, giving her that little sideways smirk she inherited from her father.

MC rolled her eyes and smiled.

"Yeah, yeah"

Anne rushed out the door with a little giggle.

MC smiled fondly and glanced out the window after her, and that's when she noticed something.

It was Sebastian.

Sebastian Sallow was at her front door talking to her daughter. His daughter. Was she dreaming? Was this a cruel trick? Had she finally lost it? It couldn't be him. Sebastian was in Azkaban. He was gone. But- but he wasn't gone. He was here. He was here after all these years.

Taking a good look at his face, she finally felt she could breathe for the first time in ten years. Her mind was clear. She closed her eyes and felt herself race towards the door, ready to wrap herself in his arms and kiss him breathless.

But when she opened her eyes, she found herself in the same spot, terrified to move. It was as if someone had cast petrificus totalus on her, as her body refused to obey her brain.

Soon after, she saw him turn to leave, bidding goodbye to Anne.

She mentally screamed at herself to move, to run after him, and never let him go. Instead, she just watched him walk away, her heart breaking all over again.

Tears freely flowed down her face as she sobbed into her hand, trying her best to be quiet so Ominis didn't hear her. She didn't want to explain what she had just seen, and she had no idea how Ominis would react. She herself wasn't even sure what to think or how to react.

All she knew was that for the few minutes she had just observed him, she felt things she didn't know she could feel anymore. Seeing him felt like home.

When Anne came home telling her about a strange but friendly 'family friend' she had met, she urged her daughter to keep it a secret from Ominis.

"At least for now. You trust me, right?"

It didn't take much convincing; little Anne was more clever than most people realized, just like her father.

This continued on for the next two weeks. Sebastian would show up, hang around, talk to Anne, and leave. Never once attempting to knock on the door and talk to her.

This made her heart break a little more every time, but when he would return the next day, her heart would be healed again. It was like a vicious cycle of hope and despair.

She had figured by the first week that he would never actually walk up those steps and back into her life.

If Sebastian were as clever as she thought he was, he'd have figured out Anne was his by now and supposed that's why he kept coming back. She felt comfort in her heart at the thought of him wanting to be there for his daughter, even if he didn't want her anymore.

So she just observed them together, day after day, while keeping Ominis in the dark about it. She knew it was wrong; Ominis had been there for her throughout everything. He was her best friend. He was Sebastian's best friend, and he deserved to know, but she had no idea how to tell him.

She was also enjoying being able to observe these little father-daughter moments and just take them all in; seeing Sebastian get to be the father he always should have been made her happier than she had ever felt in her entire life.

She had just arrived home from one of her usual trips to the market. Unfortunately, they were all out of Dirigible Plums, Ominis' favourite, so she'd had to settle for real plums. She knew he would be whining about that for a few hours, but unless he wanted her to grow them herself, he was out of luck.

Ominis didn't complain much, but he was a little particular about the food he chose to consume.

"Okay, so I'm back! Ominis, they didn't have the fruit you like, so I just got-"

She stopped dead in her tracks, her heart beating out of her chest at the sight before her.

Sebastian Sallow was inside her house. He was crying while Ominis looked on regretfully, and Anne held his hand, gently comforting him.

She felt the tears spill over at the sight, and her throat tightened, squeezing so hard she wanted to gasp for air.

They all looked in her direction when they heard her words, and she felt Sebastian's eyes lock onto hers.

She felt so overtaken with emotions that all she managed to gasp out was a meek, breathless "Sebastian..."

Finally, he was home; he had come home to her.

They had a lot of lost time to make up for, and she was going to make sure to savor every moment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alrighty, you already know the drill. Tagging some lovelies 💕 thank you so much for continuing to support this series. If it weren't for you guys, I never would've made a part 2.

@bunnybabyfanpage

@irishgal2022

@krystal-kokoro

@hufflepuff-16

@snickette

@fullmoonwolfer1

@sonicranger1

@lilac-crown

@findingtruenorth23

@froggyinaspen

@friendly-neighborhood-boricua

[nikethestatue]

A Match Baked In Heaven

fun fact about this chapter: I had no plans to write this fanfic at all. It wasn't something that I had thought about or nurtured. All I wanted was to write a scene where Azriel baked Elain an ugly birthday cake that collapsed in the middle. That's it. That was the scene that I really needed to get out. Somehow, and I am still unsure how, this whole fic was born kind of around this one simple scene. Well, here it is. The scene that started it all. Hope you enjoy it.

Chapter XIII

I’ll Be Your Man

Elain’s birthday was on a cold, blustery day, as it happened to be most years. At least Feyre’s birthday was on the Winter Solstice, so there was something special about the day. The longest night of the year. It was mystical and mysterious. There were Druids and Stonehenge rituals.

Elain’s birthday was uninteresting. No one cared about December 23rd.

No one, not one person, especially when everyone was reeling from Feyre and Rhysand surprise wedding, cared about Elain’s 28th birthday. Piglet might have cared, if he knew about it. But he didn’t, so that left the one and only person who gave a shit–Azriel. 

Azriel was secretive, but adamant. He told her that they would be celebrating and that she was to come to his flat. Finally! Took long enough. He virtually moved in with her, and yet here she was, going to his place for the very first time. She was curious about how and where he lived. Canary Wharf wasn’t a place that she went to frequently–it was beautiful, spotless and soulless. Like the most perfect version of NYC. There were shiny skyscrapers, brilliantly green lawns, vividly blue water, a glittery mall, and none of it was Elain’s cuppa, because while there, you wouldn’t even know you were still in London. But it seemed like the perfect spot for a wealthy bachelor who spent a lot of time on the road and had more money than he had sense.

Elain dressed warmly and without fanfare because Azriel didn’t tell her to bring anything special and besides, she was feeling…out of sorts. She was restless, which was another word for ‘envious’. But she wasn’t envious! Of course not. She wasn’t envious of Feyre, who was MARRIED!!!! To Rhysand. It was something that Elain still couldn’t wrap her mind around. Feyre. Married. After 16 hours of knowing her now husband. Elain wasn’t envious. She wasn’t like Feyre, and she wouldn’t be able to take such a drastic step anyway. Not after 16 hours. Probably not even now. Though, she had to admit, when Azriel dropped to his knee before her, she felt…joy. Terror. But also joy. Mostly disbelief and happiness. But it was just a little game. Nothing more. That’s what people did with her–they played games. 

She put a puffer coat and a bear hat on Piglet and off they went to the Tube station. He didn’t like the cold and attempted to turn back, but she tugged on his lead, making him walk.

“Don’t even start with me today!” she warned and he pouted, but ended up walking.

She was kind of in a bad mood, she supposed.

She was forgettable: the little, pretty, but pointless Elain. Her father rang her, and she received the usual £50. He wished her a happy birthday and told her to ‘make the right decisions’--whatever that meant. Nesta rang as well and informed her that she was going out on a date with Cassian. That was a surprise. Nesta tried to play it off, but Elain could feel that her sister was excited. Nothing from Eris. What a douche. She couldn’t believe that he wouldn’t even text her. They never even broke up officially. For all he knew, she was still his girlfriend. And yet, he didn’t even bother calling her on her birthday. Boorish oaf. Maybe she should just sleep with Azriel? She’s been putting it all off, the whole sexual part of the relationship, because of Eris. Because of her misguided sense of loyalty to him. But after Azriel’s kiss, she wasn’t sure if she could continue denying herself the pleasure that she’s been craving and also withhold affection from Azriel. It wasn’t fair to either of them and especially not because of Eris. 

They got on the train and Piglet sat on Elain’s lap. Some people did a double take, thinking he was an ugly baby, but of course once they realised that he was a dog in a hat, riders started taking photos of him. Sometimes, having a celebrity dog was a pain in the arse. Then some girl told Elain that Piglet was ‘cute in an ugly way’ to which Elain snapped ‘well, I think he is cute in a cute kind of way’. The girl made a face and moved away. Good. 

It took a while to get to Canary Wharf and by the time Elain and Piglet got off the train, it was just them and it was pristine and desolate here. She’d have to find how to get to Azriel’s building, and she wondered if she’d have to get an Uber. She had no idea where the hell she was and it was cold, and she was in a shitty mood. She was 28 years old. It all came down to that. She was 28 and except for her business, she had nothing to show for it. Well, that, and rescuing Piglet. There wasn’t a whole lot else to brag about. A failed engagement and a semi-ex-boyfriend who didn’t bother to wish her a happy birthday and from whom she’s not heard in ages. She was feeling so salty about it, so angry, she was surprising herself. She didn’t think of herself as such a bitter person, but she absolutely resented Eris lately. 

-

She stood on the platform, figuring out where to go, when Piglet began to bark and pulled on the lead hard enough for her to let go. Before she could yell at him, she turned and saw Azriel Night standing by the doors, smiling. He held a huge bouquet–a stunning selection of pale pastel flowers which probably cost 500 quid. 

Elain's birthday bouquet

“There is my beautiful birthday girl!” he greeted her.

And just like that, Elain’s unhappiness dissipated. Because there he was, the one who never abandoned her, the one who caught her every time even when she thought that she was falling, the one who never forgot about her.

“I am going to be like Feyre and say ‘give me hugs!’” Azriel joked, while receiving some serious side eye from Piglet. Chuckling, he added, ‘lil lad, we’ll discuss your hat later. You sure are ready for that snowstorm. But first, let me give my girl hugs!”

It wasn’t a hug that Elain received the moment she stepped into Azriel’s arms. He cupped her jaw in his cold hand and pressed his lips to hers, not allowing her even a moment to reconsider. It was an ‘Azriel kiss’--heavy and dirty, possessive and domineering. He didn’t do anything other than mould her lips with his, and rather gently pry her teeth apart, allowing his tongue full access and swiping in boldly, but as soon as those warm full lips of the slightly cruel mouth enveloped hers, Elain’s legs refused to cooperate. The gorgeous bouquet got half smashed in the crook of her elbow, as she clung to Azriel’s shoulders, holding on to him for support. His arm landed on the small of her back, pressing her tightly to himself, and the other squeezed the back of her neck, while he kissed her hotly, his mouth firm, taking from her, while filling her lungs with his breath. 

She pulled back a bit and moaned, “Az,” but he shook his head stubbornly and reminded her,

“You said I can kiss you any time, anywhere. This is it. I am kissing you when I want to.”

“Okay,” she nodded frantically and he returned to her lips, kissing her with needy urgency, like she was the finest thing he’d ever tasted. 

Piglet meandered in between their legs, bored, and kept giving them judgy looks. But not as judgy as some old woman who walked past them and hissed, “there is a time and a place for these things!”

That pulled Elain back and Azriel glowered at the woman in a manner that had her skittering away in a speedy manner. 

“Let’s go, birthday girl,” Azriel draped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him. “Let’s go lumberjack pug,” he whistled to Piglet, who trotted happily next to him, eager for less kissing but more adventures.

“So, what are we doing?” Elain asked, as she dared to wrap her arm around his waist. Azriel chuckled and said, “I am not telling you all my secrets, pretty girl. There will be surprises,” he promised.

Elain winced and he laughed at her reaction.

“Have I ever disappointed you?” he inquired.

Elain thought about it. Actually thought about it for a moment, before realising that he never, in fact, disappointed her at all. He was impossible, hair-raising, incorrigible at times–more times than she cared to admit, but he was also never disappointing. He loved Piglet. He was good with her sisters. He was good around the house. He cooked well. He had a hilarious sense of humour. So basically, he was great and she loved him.

“No,” was all she answered. 

Azriel hummed, like he suspected that there was more to her laconic answer than met the eye, but didn’t push. 

They walked through what looked like an office building lobby–this place made no sense to Elain!--and then outside. Azriel pressed a key fob and a Range Rover came to life across the street.

“No Dev?”

“Nah, it’s just you and I today, sweetness,” he promised and for some reason that made Elain blush a bit.

He always managed to make the most innocent comments sound titillating.

“Are you excited to be all mine for the day?” he asked, opening the car door for her. 

“And what are you planning to do to me all day long?” she quipped, while he cupped her bottom in his hands, completely unnecessarily, and helped her up.

“You know, I can do it myself!”

“I am a gentleman after all,” he winked at her. “And it’s your birthday. If you need help with anything, you just let me know! I am excellent at assisting with bathing for example. Dressing, oh, and undressing. Tucking in. Tucking out.”

“Oh lord, this is going to be a long day,” she moaned, while Piglet struggled to get up into the large vehicle, and was getting more and more agitated by the moment. Azriel was laughing softly, watching him struggle.

When Piglet was about to ram the car with his head, like an angry bull, Azriel swiftly grabbed him and said, “Calm down. You think you are one of the Avengers because you go to the park, bark at big dogs and small childs, but you are just Pinky the Pug.”

Elain snickered, but then gasped, when Azriel placed Piglet in the back seat, into a new, lavish doggy car seat. 

“Is that for him?” she exclaimed, wide-eyed. Azriel deposited Piglet into the seat, attached his harness and pushed him closer to the window, so he could look outside.

“Well, it’s not for Cassian,” he shrugged, “so I suppose it’s for him.”

Azriel rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, suddenly embarrassed of the praise and Elain’s excited reaction. 

“You love him,” she murmured.

“Who, Cassian?” he tried to deflect with a joke. “Yeah, he is my brother.”

She didn’t respond but only watched him get into his seat and start the car.

“You are a good man, Azriel Night,” she said quietly, as they pulled into the thin traffic. There were hoards of people going into the mall, and Azriel drove away as quickly as he could.

“Yeah, well…” he shrugged, “only for you, I think.”

“I don’t think so,” she argued absently, looking at the shiny skyscrapers outside. “I think you are very nice. To everyone.”

“Ha! Not true, but I’m enjoying this rosy image of me that you’d painted in your head.”

She looked at him, but didn’t say anything. Because she knew what she knew, and this was a remarkable man and no one was going to change her mind about that. 

Azriel drove away from the river, ably navigating between cars and holiday shoppers, and getting away from the modernity of the towering buildings and into more industrial and residential areas.

“So, what are we doing?” she asked eagerly.

“Not gonna tell you.”

“It’s my birthday! You have to,” Elain complained. “Are we going to go to dinner?”

“No, that’s predictable. And it’s not even noon yet. What dinner?”

“No dinner?”

“No dinner,” he confirmed.

“Am I going to get presents?” 

He bubbled his lips, but then said, “yes. You will get one gift.”

“That’s it?”

“What if it’s a diamond ring?” he mused.

“Eh, it’s not! You aren’t Rhys, who is out of his mind.”

“I am not sure it’s a compliment,” he glared at the road ahead, miffed by her comment. “You make it sound like I don’t have the bollocks to propose to you?”

“Oh I think you have all the bollocks,” she assured him.

“I am wondering if you have the bollocks to say ‘yes’.”

Elain bit her lip and didn’t answer.

But for Azriel, it was answer enough.

He drove in silence–the atmosphere a bit tense between them. Piglet was panting in the back, obviously enjoying himself tremendously in his new seat, feeling like he was part of the gang.

“You can have two gifts,” Azriel suddenly said, interrupting the silence. It was as if he’s been thinking about this second gift for a while.

Elain turned to him, and smiled happily, “yeah?”

He shrugged,

“Yeah, I suppose, since it’s your birthday. You can have two presents.”

“Oh, very generous of you,” she joked and then added,  “I like it here,” her head swivelling this way and that way, as she beheld the older buildings, the rougher, less modernised and glitzy part of the Wharf. Azriel already knew this about her–Elain loved London. Loved it. She knew it extraordinarily well, always peppering their walks with fun facts about various odd buildings. She loved old London especially, and he recalled how on the way to Camden the other night, she kept pointing out things that none of them knew anything about. It fascinated him–how knowledgeable she was, and how much she appreciated and loved this town. For someone who didn’t drive, she sure navigated the place with ease. She also knew all the old timey places to eat, old pubs, pie shops, obscure stores and places where they still required a smoking jacket, and where they made bespoke items. Of course after meeting her father, it wasn’t terribly surprising. The man wore a dinner jacket even if he dined alone. 

They stopped at a red light. 

“Az?” Elain said softly.

He turned to her, “yeah, baby?”

Without warning, Elain reached over the console and cupped his jaw in her hand. She leaned deeper into him and pulled his face close, her chocolate brown eyes skimming over his features with quiet, genuine admiration. And then she pressed those sweet, pillowy lips to his. The honeyed taste of her, with a hint of vanilla hit him hard. Because she kissed him like she couldn’t wait anymore. As if every moment that they’ve been driving, she just waited to kiss him, to taste him, to be as close to him as possible. As if he was a compulsion that she needed to satisfy. Her palm held his face tightly, steadily, the thumb stroking his cheek with possessive gentleness, but also urgency. Azriel fell into the kiss like he was a teen tasting his first woman–wholly and without hesitation, in an uncontrolled, wild way that Elain always made him feel. He didn’t want to sound crazy, but he literally felt their souls click together every time the two of them kissed. They fitted together like a key and a keyhole.

An irritated honking pulled them apart. Azriel was panting a bit, his eyes darker than their normal greenish-hazelnut colour, his gaze unfocused. 

Elain licked her lips, blinking rapidly. She looked like she just woke up.

The light had long turned green.

“I couldn’t wait,” she confessed breathlessly. 

He looked at her, not making any effort to actually start driving.

“I couldn’t wait,” she repeated, while he cupped her face in his big, gnarled hand. Rubbing his thumb over her lips, he murmured, “for what?”

“For us. To kiss you.”

A soft, pleased smirk touched his lips.

“You kissed me at a red light,”

“I suppose I did, didn’t I?”

“Do it again!” he ordered.

Elain laughed. 

“The people behind will beat you up!”

“I don’t care. We have a vicious dog in the back,” he turned around and looked at Piglet, who blinked his big buggy eyes at him.

“Or not,” he concluded and then sped up down the street.

-

In about five minutes Azriel pulled to the curb and parked. Elain looked around, noticing some kind of Christmas market. 

“Are we going to have hot cocoa?” she asked immediately and Azriel smiled at her. She really was a big baby sometimes. 

“We can have hot cocoa,” he nodded, getting the dog from the back seat. Piglet snorted with displeasure, especially when he felt the cool nip of December on him and Azriel told him,

“You can stay here, if you’d like.”

To which Piglet immediately jumped out of the car. The enticing smells of fried foods, and the scent of a whole pork roast didn’t hurt either. 

Azriel pulled his flat cap lower on his forehead, hoping that no one recognised him. Elain threaded her arm through the crook of his elbow and he took Piglet’s lead, and smiled to himself. 

His little family.

He felt proper and genteel with Elain next to him. For someone like him, who wasn’t used to dating proper ladies and usually stuck with football groupies, walking around with Elain–his actual girlfriend–was a bit of a mindfuck. How did he even get Elain? That was still mind boggling to him. Whatever good he’d done in his life, which he felt wasn’t even very much, somehow got him rewarded with Elain. And he wasn’t going to question it or think too hard about his luck.

They queued in line for hot cocoa, which Elain had located incredibly fast and when it was their turn, Azriel ordered her the most elaborate concoction that he could find. 

“Baby, don't fall into a diabetic coma,” he warned, handing her the drink. Her eyes lit up with excitement, and she absolutely disregarded his cautionary reminder. For Piglet, he got a pup cup, because god forbid they’d be enjoying something and their chunky pug was left without a treat. 

“So, why are we here?” Elain asked, though she insisted on stopping at every stall. In less than fifteen minutes, they already had a box of creme brulee doughnuts ‘for breakfast’--Azriel was doubting that the doughnuts would make it to tomorrow’s breakfast, but sure, hope springs eternal and all. They bought seven varieties of cheese–for some mysterious charcuterie board that Elain was planning on making. Azriel suspected that they’d eat the cheese between the two of them, with Piglet’s help, and without any board. She stopped by the oyster shucker and watched him with sadness in her eyes, because raw oysters and hot cocoa with whipped cream and caramel…well, even Elain couldn’t pull that off. 

“Well, if you would stop pausing at every food place, we might actually get to our destination,” Azriel told her, before artfully sidling to her and licking a bit of whipped cream off her lip. 

“Ugh,” was all she managed to huff before Azriel wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply. Elain was…effervescent today. Bubbly and happy and full of excitement and Azriel was feeling quite proud of himself. Granted, it didn’t take a lot to get Elain happy and smiling, but she truly came alive when they were together. 

“My sweet girl,” he groaned against her warm, chocolate-scented lips. She was holding onto his neck, her grip tight and secure, because she wasn’t going to let him go. 

“You kiss…” he mused, rubbing his nose against hers.

“What?!” she gasped. “It’s bad? I don’t kiss well?”

“No. You kiss wonderfully. Best kisses,”

“You lie!” she complained, but he shut her up pretty quickly with another kiss. Cradling her head in his palm, he moaned, a quiet and masculine groan escaping his lips as he guided Elain’s mouth with his own. He devoured her as he tended to do, hungry and intimately, knowing that he would probably never get enough of her deliciousness.

“You kiss with a desperation of love,” he told her simply.

Elain looked up at him, her hands wrapped around his neck.

“See, like this,” and he ran his fingers over her upper arm. “It’s genuine. It’s real. You are the most real person I’ve ever met, Elain.”

“I,” she began but he interrupted her.

“You are the only one who’d never needed anything from me, except for me. Don’t want my money. Don’t need my fame. Not even sure if you remember that I am a footballer,” he chuckled at that.

“I remember,” she pushed his shoulder playfully. “But it’s a job. It’s not who you are,”

“And for some unfathomable reason, you like who I am,” he told her.

“Why unfathomable?” she wondered, stroking the back of his neck gently. “Maybe you are just the one for me. My one and only. The one who was made for me, for whatever reason,”

“For whatever reason,” he echoed her, looking down at the lovely face, and then long locks under her knit hat, where fat snowflakes landed and disappeared just as quickly. “And you believe this? That I, a bastard born nobody, was made for you?”

“Is that what worries you?”

He shrugged, and said quietly, “Maybe.”

“You are a made man. That’s what matters to me. You achieved your own success and carved your own path due to your talent and your tenacity. Not inherited money. And believe me, we’ve had some bastards in the family as well,” she winked at him. “Ask me to tell you about my great-great-grandmother Miss Elain Archeron and the Duke of Velaris.”

“Oh yeah, the Banging Granny Elain!” Azriel laughed. “I do want to hear more,”

Elain cocked her brow at him, “Is that what we are calling her?” 

He gave her a peck on the lips and said, “Seems fitting. Come on!” he pulled her alongside him and in the next moment, Elain ended up standing in front of rows of Christmas trees.

“No!” she gasped.

“Yes,” he grinned. “I told you that you will be getting a tree this year. So, let’s go and choose one and then we are going home to decorate.”

-

Piglet felt that dad’s flat was pretty nice. 

Piglet offered his opinions on which tree to get, which were unequivocal, especially because his Elain couldn’t even make a decision! She walked from tree to tree, touched them all, tried to reach the top, and did all kinds of other silly things. If he was going to be honest, Piglet felt that his Elain was spending way too much time next to every tree, and even more time kissing dad. Frankly, now that they started kissing, they just did it too much and wouldn’t stop. It’s like they’d rather kiss than do anything fun, or play with him. Which obviously made little sense, because why would you even need this many kisses and any normal human would rather spend time with him, or any dog, than kissing. Clearly, they also needed help choosing a tree, so Piglet did his due diligence–unlike them–and after an unnecessary long time spent in the cold, they finally packed the tree, wrapped it and then dad and his Elain took the tree back to the car.

Doing the Lord's work. Piglet choosing a Christmas tree.

Piglet had no choice but to walk in front, dodging endless admirers, who wanted to take a photo of him, and lead the way back to the car. This market was nice, he had no complaints, but it was cold and he was ready for some snacks and a snooze. 

Watching the two humans wrangle with the tree once they got to the car made Piglet think that in fact, they weren’t very smart at all. Dad was holding the trunk, hauling it up to the roof, almost succeeding, until the tree slipped from his grasp and almost clunked dad on the head. Then Piglet, being a good boy and sitting quietly and calmly on the cold ground, watched his Elain climb on top of the front of the car, almost falling off, because it was slippery, but then grabbing the top of the tree, while dad picked it from the bottom yet again. Piglet was a two year old dog, and even he knew that his Elain was bound to slip and fall on top of the car’s hood, since she wore booties with heels. You didn’t need to be human or smart, to know that. But these humans weren’t very smart. Humans also didn’t care that the tree branches cut them and slapped them in the face–apparently, they were having so much fun, that his Elain almost fell off the car again, though dad was there to catch her this time. She fell into his arms, laughing uproariously and then there was even more kissing. Dad pressed her into the side of the car and his hands slid under her jacket and he definitely squeezed her titties, while he kissed her, but…she seemed to like it and didn’t protest at all. After what seemed like an eternity of kissing and sucking on each other’s necks (about four minutes), Piglet had no choice but to bark politely, reminding them of his existence. Also, he had balls, and they were about to freeze to the ground, which he wasn’t too excited about. At last, they wrapped the tree with ropes, and Piglet was able to finally, finally get back into the warm and comfortable seat in the car. 

-

“This is impressive,” Elain marvelled, once they stepped into the glitzy lobby of the skyscraper which Azriel called home. There was something to be said about living in a place like this, with all the amenities and a concierge downstairs, who attempted to make a face at Piglet’s presence, but seeing Azriel, thought better of it. 

“Mr. Night, good evening. Pets aren’t allow-,” the man began, but Azriel waved him off and said, “he is her emotional support dog.”

That made Elain sound a bit nuts, like she couldn’t step away from her dog, but if that allowed Piglet to get into the building without much trouble, then so be it.

The two of them were dragging their tree between them, which caused the poor, snooty man to wrinkle his nose at the mess of pine needles that they were leaving behind. 

“Mr. Night, we can have maintenance personnel bring the tree up to your flat,” the concierge offered weakly, watching with alarm how the shiny floor was now stained with their footprints, Piglet’s little paw prints and pine sap and needles. 

“No need,” Azriel told the man, his tone blase. 

“Can you at least take the maintenance lifts?”

Azriel paused and then slowly veered away from the lobby lifts.

At that, Elain dug in her heels and stopped.

“Pardon me,” she asked dryly of the man, “isn’t Mr. Night a resident here?”

“He is, Miss…”

“I am Lady Elain Archeron,” she said imperiously. “And I believe that if Mr. Night is a resident, who owns his flat in the building and probably pays a considerable amount in monthly fees, he shouldn’t be directed to a maintenance lift, as if he were a cleaner or hired help?”

“Miss, I did not,” the man stumbled, but Elain interrupted him, 

“It’s Lady Elain. And I think that you did mean it. You didn’t want to clean up a few pine needles, so you thought that it would be appropriate to direct a resident to some shitty, as Americans call it, elevator!”

Azriel gawked at her and her indignation. Piglet stood there, head raised up, looking pretty proud of his Elain. 

The thing was that no one, except for Cassian, really ever stood up for Azriel. Azriel had been severely abused as a child, the burning of his hands not even the worst–though the most visible–reminder of his awful upbringing. Not until Lord Darling stepped in to adopt his wife’s blood nephews that anyone gave two shits about Azriel.

But his girl–she gave a shit. She cared. Azriel began moving where he was told to go out of habit. He hated that about himself, but it was ingrained in him–to be treated as someone lesser, as someone insignificant and unworthy of respect or attention. But Elain grabbed his hand and pulled him along. 

“Of course, Miss…Lady,” the concierge was flustered. “I apologise. Happy Christmas. I hope not hard feelings,”

“That’s up to Mr. Night,” she cut him off.

Azriel finally took pity on the bloke and said, ‘no hard feelings’.

They dragged the tree to the lift, and Piglet parted ways with the concierge by letting out a loud fart. 

“Wow,” Azriel laughed, shaking his head, once the doors closed, “that was cold, Pink. Real cold.”

Then, he cupped Elain’s face in his hands and asked, “are you my girl?”

Elain gave him a quizzical look and said, “I suppose I am.”

“Because I think that you are. And I think that you are fucking amazing, matchy. Also, when you started dropping ‘I am a Lady’ down there, I got hard.”

“Oh my god. You are a psycho.”

“A hard psycho,” he agreed.

They carried the tree out to the hallway and Azriel stopped by the door and said,

“Well, home sweet home, babygirl.”

He swiped a fob and the door opened for him. Elain almost made a step, but he caught her around the waist and said, “nope!”

Piglet had no such qualms and ran inside the flat, while Azriel lifted Elain in his arms, surprising her and then carrying her over the threshold. She felt like a soft, pale, golden mass in her arms, and her golden-brown hair resembled golden threads against the blackness of his coat. He kissed her gently, before setting her down.

“It’s almost like I am your bride,” she said shyly, holding onto his hand.

“You are my bride. You just don’t know it yet,” he said firmly and kissed her again. 

Piglet was zooming around the massive open space that was the penthouse. Because that’s where they’d arrived, into a dimly, but artfully lit penthouse on the 37th floor. There was almost a 365 degree view and floor to ceiling windows. Elain let go of his hand, mesmerised by the stunning views of London outside. She dropped her bouquet on the chair and rushed to the windows. It wasn’t a beautiful day–the skies were the colour of wet cement, thick clouds hung so low, the top of the Shard was completely hidden, as was the magnificent dome of St. Paul’s. 

“I cannot believe this!” she cried out, running from window to window, while Azriel dragged the tree into the house. “Look, look! You can see Tower Bridge! You can see the Gherkin! You can see Greenwich!”

Azriel smiled at her wild enthusiasm, which only rivalled Piglet’s, who already got himself acquainted, sniffed everything, easily found the kitchen and took a stroll there, examining whether it had fun and tasty things in it. 

“Pinky, come here,” Azriel called, while removing his coat. “Let me undress you.”

The moment Piglet’s hat and coat were off, he made his way to the dog bed by the window, climbed into it and curled comfortably inside, looking like he wasn’t about to leave any time soon.

“Sweetness, may I take your coat?” Azriel laughed, because Elain paid him no attention, as she kept poking her finger at the glass. 

“Yeah, yeah,” she said absently, and Azriel actually had to come and pull the coat off her, because she was not interested in disrobing. 

“Well, whenever you are ready to turn around, I am here,” he called out and went to unload all their food stuffs from the fair. He already had a stand for the tree, which he prepared in advance, and now he placed the trunk inside, securing it well, because somehow, he suspected that Piglet would try something stupid–like topple the tree for fun.

At last, once everything was in its place, he took out a bottle of Bollinger from the fridge and set two crystal coupes on the counter. Elain migrated to yet another window, unable to tear her eyes away from the view, as if he was charging her by the minute to look outside. 

Azriel wiped his hands on his trousers and exhaled quietly.

He was a little nervous.

Okay. He was quite nervous.

It was Elain’s birthday and he wanted everything to be perfect.

He knew that Rhys’s and Feyre’s marriage rocked both sisters to their very core, and truth be told, both he and Cassian were also completely shocked. But he sensed that somehow, it was harder for Elain to accept. Elain, the romantic, the matchmaker, who sought love in all things and who thought that with love, all things were possible. He knew that she was happy for Feyre, but unsurprisingly, there was a kernel of envy in there too. He was a bit envious too–or rather, he was miffed–that Rhys beat him to it. He’s been with Elain for months now, and he should’ve been the one to pop the question first and to marry first. Now, that first was stolen from him, and it annoyed him. 

But, whatever was done, was done, and he couldn’t worry about it. Rhys’s story was his own. Azriel had his own story to live and Elain was his priority, And he didn’t want to mess anything up, especially not today. Elain wasn’t expecting anything from anyone, having told him before that her birthdays were always low-key, half-forgotten affairs. Add to it her sister’s surprise nuptials, and…well, he felt that Elain needed to be loved today. Cared for more than any other day. And therefore, he was nervous. 

He turned on some music–Dave Brubeck’s Take Five–and then popped the champagne, quietly, but still startling Piglet out of his blissed out state. The pug jumped up and barked at Azriel angrily.

“Sorry matey. Go back to sleep. This is for our girl,” Azriel told him, while Elain finally turned away from the window and looked at him. But Piglet let out another bark, and Azriel told him sternly,

“If you are going to bark, you will be evicted from here. Do you understand? We already smuggled you into the building because you are a contraband pug. If you want to go and sleep in the car in the garage, then please continue barking. Be my guest.”

Piglet gave a disbelieving huff of indignation at Azriel’s threats and the prospect of sleeping in the garage and burrowed deeper into his new soft bed, turning away very demonstratively.  

Azriel smiled at the ridiculous pug and then turned his attention to Elain. 

“Hey beautiful,” he smiled at her, walking with two champagne glasses. “Happy birthday.”

But instead of taking the coupe from him, Elain basically rammed into him, almost forcing him back a step and wrapped her arms around his waist, hiding her face in his chest. He stood there awkwardly holding two glasses, careful not to spill champagne all over her.

“Hey, hey,” he called out gently. “What’s the matter?”

“It’s amazing,” she sobbed into his chest. “Everything is. Everything is brilliant and perfect!”

“Well, that’s good innit? Better than everything going to shite?”

“Yes, but it’s the best day!”

“We didn’t even do half of the things I had planned,” he reminded her, while kissing the top of her head.

“I don’t care!!!” she cried. “It’s already the best birthday I’ve ever had!”

“Well, then that’s exactly what I wanted. Now, wipe your snotty nose and drink some champagne,”

“You are so rude!” she complained, while pulling away from his chest at last and wiping her nose with her fist.

“Oh you know I am!” he handed her the glass. “To the best birthday girl in the whole wide world!”

He clinked his glass to hers and they drank the cold, sharply tangy champagne. 

“So…” Azriel asked like he was contemplating various options, “do you wanna make out? Or do you want to decorate the tree? Or do you want your birthday present?”

“Hmmm,” she thought and looked around.

Azriel’s place was predictably massive. It was all one enormous open floor plan, decorated in beiges, blues and greys. The colours of a modern bachelor who had a lot of money. He made the place his own with the addition of books, some photographs–mostly of him and his brothers–but it was definitely a place that was decorated for him, and not by him. 

New money. Not the lived-in, comfortable, comforting luxury of Elain’s townhome. However, to her personal secret relief, Elain noticed that there were definitely no traces of any ‘woman’s touch’ in this place. She was sure that it was cleaned by a professional crew, but nothing that said that there was a female frequenting Azriel’s penthouse.

“Did you buy this for him?” she asked quietly, seeing not one, not two, but three dog beds all positioned in different corners of the flat. Each one had a different pile of toys around it. In the kitchen, there was a pair of dog bowls sitting inside a cleverly designed lower cupboard. 

“Yeah,” Azriel followed her gaze, and pointed to a lever on the floor. “He just has to press it and it will pop out. Neat, huh?”

“No, you got all of this for him?” she insisted, looking up at him and forcing him to look back at her.

“Well, yeah…”

She didn’t say anything, but looked back expectantly, waiting for more.

“He is part of the family. He gotta be comfy too.”

“Thank you,” Elain took his hand and pressed it to her lips, causing him to shudder…because, well it was his hand, and she was kissing it like it didn’t matter that it was all covered in scars and burn marks. And it didn’t. Azriel knew with utmost certainty that to Elain, it didn’t matter. “Thank you for everything,” she added. 

“It’s no bother,” he insisted stiffly. “Now then, what’s your decision, birthday girl?”

“I want my present,” she decided, “and then we are going to decorate the tree, and all of that while making out!”

Azriel grinned.

“Smart girl, matchy. Smart girl.”

She flipped her hair and nodded in agreement.

“Go sit down and close your eyes,” Azriel instructed, pointing to the sofa.

Elain skipped across the floor, making him chortle, and then plopped down on the sofa and closed her eyes.

“Is it a good present?” she asked.

“I hope so!”

Elain listened to Azriel shuffle something around and then the sofa dipped under his weight. He placed something on her lap. A box. 

“Can I open?”

“Go ahead and open!”

It was a medium sized box, entirely too big for a ring. Though, maybe Azriel decided to go the Rhysand route and just get her a tiara. But, unless it was the crown jewels, the box was too heavy for a tiara. It was pink, beautifully, professionally wrapped with a huge bow.

There was a card stuck beneath the ribbon and Elain opened it first.

Hey my matchy,

You are my sunshine. You make everything better. You gild the world with joy. Never change. I only ask for you to love me.

Have a wonderful birthday and thank you for allowing me to be part of it.

Irreversibly yours,

Your footballer

And then Elain drowned in a flood of tears. 

“Oh yeah, that worked!” Azriel snickered, as he began kissing her with a near abusive passion, ignoring the salt of her tears, his mouth indulgent and almost perverse on her swollen lips, which puffed up so very sexually from all the attention that he’s given them today.

“What worked?” she breathed, while he pulled her lower lip between his teeth, licking on it softly.

“The fancy words, of course,” he explained lightly, cupping her breast in his hand and squeezing tightly, making her whimper. “I know what works on you, pretty girl.”

“Asshole,” she hissed.

Azriel exploded in laughter and pulled away from her mouth, though his hand migrated under her jumper and he found the thin lace of her bra with his fingers, as he lightly caressed the warm skin of the top of her breast.

She didn’t tell him to stop, but only moved a bit closer, and then began to unwrap the box. 

Hearing the ripping paper and seeing the ribbon woke Piglet up from his rest and he ran over, to see what was happening.

Once the box was open, Elain took out a beautiful cup. Not a mug. But a large round teacup, with a saucer, the rim gilded with gold. It was hand-made, she could see that, and if she had any doubts, the writing made it quite clear.

It said Elain on one side. Other other side, it said Fucking Lovely as Fuck.

All written in a beautiful cursive. 

“Ahh-hh,” she stuttered, looking at the cup.

Azriel was grinning joyfully.

“You like?”

“Hmm. Yes?” she stated politely.

He laughed. Then he leaned and kissed her cheek, nosing into her soft skin.

“I love making my little princess uncomfortable!”

“That’s mean!”

“I am a mean bloke, what can I say?!” he shrugged. “But we’ll keep this mug our little secret. It will be your mug here. We won’t show it to anyone.”

She wrapped her fingers around it and asked, “Did you make it for me?”

“Obviously,” he chuckled.

“Okay. Well, I love it then.”

Only he. Only Azriel Night could make the most inappropriate gift somehow romantic and beautiful. And Elain loved him for it.

Azriel had seven boxes of Christmas tree decorations.

That’s more than Elain had. This was a Windsor Castle-level of the number of baubles, balls and figurines that the boxes contained. They were stunning too–expensive and gorgeously painted and decorated, some artisan, some antique, some clearly from other countries.

“I love Christmas,” he confessed, as they opened the boxes, looking a little bashful about it. “It’s the only bit of happy memories that I have from my childhood…Opening up the boxes once a year, and seeing the old ornaments–they were like family. They were my mum’s mostly…” 

His voice trailed off and Elain did not press him for more information.

From what she could gather, his mother came from a good family, and had a sister, who ended up marrying Lord Darling, who apparently saved her from an attempted rape. Azriel’s mother’s fate was not as happy. She’d met his father, who was wildly possessive and abusive to her. Azriel was born soon after their meeting, and was used as a pawn in their tug of war. To keep being in Azriel’s life, his mother agreed to stay with her nightmarish partner. Cassian was the result of marital rape, and was born a year and a half later. 

Today wasn’t the time for those memories.

Azriel had another bottle of Bollinger chilling in an ice bucket by the tree, and they cut up all the cheese that they bought at the fair, though Elain insisted that it had to be placed on a board. Azriel didn’t make cheese plates, because he was a MAN, but he did have a wooden cutting board, and that would have to do. So while he opened all the boxes, she busied herself with arranging the cheese, along with grapes–grapes? Azriel didn’t even know he had grapes!--and bread. 

Piglet was partying so hard, chasing wrapping paper, diving in and out of boxes, going wild over tinsel, that at one point, he ran into a wall and knocked himself out for a moment. He stood there, dazed, for a few seconds and then collapsed on his side. Azriel had to go and pick him up and shake him until he came to. Then Aziel put him in time out, which Piglet didn’t particularly like, being cordoned off in the corner of the room.

“You need to cool off and think about your life choices,” Azriel told him.

Piglet didn’t want to think about his life choice at all. He ran in angry circles, until he exhausted himself and plopped down on the floor. Then Azriel brought him an amazing treat of banana and peanut butter, a ball and a chewy, and Piglet fell in love with time out. It was the best. All in all, as he considered his life choices, Piglet concluded that being wild is a good choice, since it resulted in banana and peanut butter treats. 

Darkness was falling behind the windows by the time the tree was finally decorated. It was a gorgeous and gaudy monstrosity that Elain absolutely adored. She loved decorating the tree, loved the scent of fresh pine, loved stabbing her fingers with pine needles, and loved being next to Azriel the entire time. 

Azriel, who was currently standing behind her, lightly rolling her thick, now-aching nipple between his thumb and forefinger, her breast nestled in his palm. He bit her ear, making her yelp, laughing low and hoarse against her neck, as he slid his cheek against hers, scraping her skin with his stubble before resting his chin on top of her head.

His other hand palmed her second breast, but this one was even bolder, as he slipped it under the jumper and beneath her bra. Those skilled fingers flicked her nipple, teasing it until she moaned so loudly that Piglet turned his head towards him.

“You like that, beautiful?” he asked.

“Yee-es,” was all she managed.

“It is a nice tree, innit?” he joked, squeezing her nipple mercilessly in his fingers.

“Oh my god,”

“Yes, Ellie. Your wish will be granted. What shall your god give you today?” he inquired.

“Oh shut up!” she tried to elbow him, but he easily twisted away, and then pinched her breast in punishment.

“If you are going to be mouthy like that,” he warned, his voice gliding over her skin like melted butter, “I will put you on your knees and will shut that smart mouth with a generous dose of my dick.”

Elain, unaccustomed to such talk–as if Eris would ever speak to her like that!--and loving it nevertheless, still gasped in shock.

“I…what? You can’t!”

“I can’t?” he challenged, squeezing the globe of her breast ever harder, smashing her soft flesh in his palm.

“You wouldn’t!” she tried again. 

“Sweetness,” he dipped his face to her ear, and whispered warmly, “you will be sucking that cock like it’s your full time job. Those little knees will be bruised. You’ll be drinking milkshakes for a week once I am done with you. Choking and gagging and crying,”

She swayed against him and he caught her, banding his arm over her stomach and then declared,

“But first, I think we ought to have some birthday cake!”

Piglet was seething quietly.

How was it fair that he wasn’t allowed to bring one little stick into the house, but dad and his Elain brought a whole tree!!! And then they took out boxes of awesome shiny balls and wouldn’t even let him play with them. Not only that, they, for some stupid reason, put the shiny balls that he was supposed to play with all over the tree. How was he going to reach them now? He couldn’t climb a tree! He was a dog. Sizing it up, he figured that maybe he could knock it down, though that was kind of doubtful too. This whole situation was unacceptable. He wanted, no, he needed to destroy the balls! He wanted to run with them and then destroy them all. Like he did with balloons. Which he hated more than anything. Balloons and vacuums were the devils, the bane of his existence. Now, he had a whole tree of shiny balls  to dismantle and he began plotting.

“Okay, don’t laugh,” Azriel warned. 

Elain was still trembling, waves of arousal and desire sweeping over her entire body. Between her legs, she was sticky wet, hot and needy, and her nipples felt like they were as big as cherries, swollen and achy, poking at her sweater with pornographic obviousness. There was a decorative mirror tucked into a corner, and when she glanced at her reflection, she saw just how wantonly aroused she looked. There was no mistaking what was on her mind. And yes, her breasts looked bigger than normal, her nipples tauntingly obvious.

And Azriel, damn him, noticed it all. Oh yes he did. The insufferable smirk on his sensual mouth was all the evidence that Elain needed. 

She squirmed in her seat, trying to adjust and crossed her legs tightly, in a vain effort to alleviate some of the pressure in her throbbing pussy. 

“Something the matter, sweetness?” he asked casually. “You look a tad tense.”

“I am fine,” she snapped at him.

“Oh yeah? That’s good. Very good. But if you are, I can relieve some of the tension, should you ask me,”

“Nope. Nothing to ask. I am perfectly fine,” she assured him, her voice sounding a bit strangled. “Now, why shouldn't I laugh?”

He turned to her, and scrubbed at his chin, before explaining sheepishly,

“I baked.”

“You baked?”

“Yes. I thought it would be a good idea to bake…you a cake.”

“A birthday cake?” she guessed, falling in love with him all over again, even harder than before. He baked her a cake.

“Problem is, I am not much of a baker,” he admitted. 

“I would’ve guessed.”

“The result is kind of,” he grimaced, “questionable. I realised too late that I don't know how to bake, that it’s harder than I assumed it would be, and that I am baking for a baker. So, if you don’t want it,”

“I want it!” she cried immediately. “I want it. Az, I want it more than anything!”

He gave her a doubtful look, but then nodded.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

He took the cake out of the fridge–that’s what was under the cover–and shielding it with his body, he fussed with it a little, before announcing,

“Ready?!!”

“Ready!” she nodded excitedly.

He turned around, holding the platter in his hands, and began singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to her. The cake had a few lit candles in it.

He placed the cake in front of her and said, “make a wish!”

You.

Only you.

Only ever you.

Elain’s wish was simple. Him. She then closed her eyes and blew out the candles.

The cake was…fugly.

That was the kindest way to describe it. Chocolate, by the looks of it. It collapsed in the middle, had weird bulges and prolapses everywhere. Maybe he stepped in it at some point? That could explain its appearance. 

“Sorry it’s so ugly,” Azriel considered the cake seriously.

“Don’t be silly. It’s fine!”

“You think it’s edible?”

“Only one way to find out,” she said enthusiastically. “But I am sure it will be great.”

‘Great’ was a strong term.

But it was edible.

At least around the edges. 

That’s how they ate the cake. Azriel forgone plates and just gave her a spoon, while taking one for himself, a can of whipped cream, and they dug in, eating around the underbaked middle.

It actually tasted pretty good.

Maybe their match was indeed baked in heaven?

Because for a novice, he did very well on the taste. The chocolate was fudgey, pronounced, and he clearly dumped a healthy amount of rum into the cake, because it was boozy as fuck. But Elain loved it. They ate and ate, until there was nothing left but a congealed puddle of unbaked batter.

Leaning back in his chair, Azriel said, “happy birthday, Elain. I hope it was a good one for you. I tried.”

The tree sparkled and shone with hundreds of lights, mirroring the city outside. Snowflakes swirled behind the windows, falling into the darkness.

“It really was actually perfect,” Elain admitted.

He drummed his fingers on the table and pushed his tongue into his cheek.

“That’s good. There is one more gift I’d like to give you.”

“Oh yes!” she remembered. “The unplanned second gift. What is it?”

“I’d like to make you come,” he said simply.

Elain stared at him and then laughed softly,

“I mean, you don’t have to make me come. I can just come with you! It’s not a big deal.”

His eyes glittered with mirth.

She was something else.

“So, where are we going?” she asked again. “Are we taking Piglet?”

“Nah, sweetness. Piglet stays here.”

Azriel rose to his feet and extended his hand to her.

“Come with me, beautiful. I’ll take you to a place where you’ve never been before.”

[lettiegrief]

Now I Want You: A HuaLian fanfic, chapter two

Trigger warnings

This is an +18 fanfic, so it may and/or will contain themes such as suicide, physical and psychological abuse, violence and cruelty, explicit sex, complex or highly impactful sexual situations, and rape. Be careful when reading, do not force yourself and protect yourself.

Contains age gap, Xie Lian is 20 years older than Hua Cheng here.

────୨ৎ────

Having San Lang around was a great thing. As the intelligent young man that he was, San Lang could talk about anything and everything and even express his emotions emotionally. Because of this, Xie Lian, curious and expectant, asked him his opinion on the heir of the extinct Xie noble house… himself, that is.

After a moment of silence in which San Lang seemed to contemplate this question very seriously, as if he was worried about what words to use, which was unprecedented, he finally answered: “Xie Lian seemed to be a noble, selfless and kind person, who didn’t deserve the fate he had.”

Xie Lian fell silent, feeling disappointed.

Disappointed?, he thought. But why?

San Lang's answer was quite good for someone like Xie Lian, but the young man had such deep and elaborate opinions on everything that it ended up being a bit disappointing to only have one sentence about him. Despite this, Xie Lian still felt warm from being under San Lang’s good eyes. It was somewhat contradictory, as if his expectations had not exactly been met, but not frustrated either.

And wasn’t that his reality now? Xie Lian had become a footnote in his ex-husband’s articles; it made sense to be reduced to a one-line sentence.

Not that he was upset with San Lang, of course.

The silence that followed was calm, somewhat awkward because the two clearly had more to say, but they opted for stillness, and it wasn't exactly uncomfortable, anyway. 

It didn’t last long anyway, because Xie Lian soon had to go to work. The two of them said goodbye at the door of their house, but they still stood there in silence just looking at each other. Xie Lian couldn't tell what San Lang was feeling, or didn't want to risk guessing, but he knew that what he was feeling was that pain of knowing that they might never see each other again.

“I’ll be staying at a hotel for the next few days,” San Lang said, breaking the silence and lighting a spark in Xie Lian’s heart. “I’d like to meet gege again later. Meet me at the teahouse after your shift ends.”

Xie Lian smiled, letting out a sigh of relief and excitement. He nodded in agreement.

“Of course! I’m already looking forward to it.” Such an excited response, as if he was needy, made embarrassment spread through his body and his cheeks heat up. From his situation, it seemed like Xie Lian was a 15-year-old teenager, and he didn't know what to feel about it.

The smile that San Lang gave was radiant, showing all of his beautiful, small, white teeth, two of which were slightly longer and sharper than the rest, like fangs. Xie Lian stared at them for an embarrassingly long time before bidding farewell and hurriedly leaving, almost hoping that the wind would blow his shamelessness away.

His workday this time was lively thanks to Shi Qing Xuan, who always had a lot to talk about and catch up on. Xie Lian could barely keep up with her, so most of the time he just listened to what she had to say, making comments every now and then. She didn't seem to mind or lose her spirit, sometimes even getting more excited.

As he listened to her speak, Xie Lian couldn't help but think of the lives they both had been destroyed by other people, and yet the difference between them was stark. Shi Qing Xuan still looked so lively and optimistic, as if she was at least trying to be happy, while Xie Lian always had a weight on his shoulders and pain all over his body because his defeated lifestyle was ingrained into his bones.

Of course, his daughter was his greatest joy and always would be, she was the reason Xie Lian was still functional to this day, although, the amount of times he had thought about seeing her being killed in some brutal way, with limbs and blood scattered across the floor, and him being the one to cause it, was enough to make him feel disgusted with himself and believe that there was something very wrong with him. What father thinks of killing his own daughter as if it were something normal? What does that say about him? What is he, if not a father who perhaps hates his own daughter so much that there is some part of him that wants her dead?

Don't cry, don't you dare cry, Jun Wu said. You keep doing this, playing the victim. Poor Xie Lian, have you no shame?

A shock spreads through his body, burning his flesh and making his skin twist. He closed his eyes and felt something run down his face, he wiped it away thinking it was sweat. Xie Lian felt like he had fallen into the open sea, because he couldn't breathe or return to the surface, all he could do was struggle and scream in a futile attempt to get out of this situation.

It was like drowning. It was like falling into a sea of lava. It was like being thrown into a hollow, endless void, with no air, no gravity, no way out.

Something landed on his shoulder, rubbing his back. There was someone next to him, sitting next to him, touching him as if he weren’t something disgusting.

Slowly, Xie Lian regained control of his breathing, first in a disorderly fashion, even choking a few times; then taking large gulps of air, alternating between deep breaths and more desperately rapid ones. His body was covered in cold sweat, his face was ice cold, it felt like his blood pressure had plummeted.

He saw a hand stop in front of him, holding a bottle of water. Shi Qing Xuan, he saw, sitting beside him, looking at him with suppressed worry. It seemed like she was holding back from shouting out the zillions of questions that were jumping out of her eyes. Xie Lian accepted the water, remaining silent.

As he drank the water, Xie Lian cried. If only the thoughts of death were about him alone… but no, his mind had to create countless horrible scenarios about other people’s deaths. Many times he would just be resting next to a colleague when, upon seeing a car pass by, he would ask himself: what if that car ran over us now?; then he would get up abruptly, without further ado, and leave without looking back, feeling his face burn with guilt.

Xie Lian wanted to go into the hospital, so he could keep his little Ban Yue safe from himself.

“Don’t worry, Lao-Xie[1],” Shi Qing Xuan said after a few minutes of silence, “everything will be fine. It’s my catchphrase, like ‘keep swimming’ and all that.”

Xie Lian laughed and handed the water back to her, “I prefer ‘By the Blessing of the Heavenly Official, No Path Are Bound.”

“That’s great! But I still prefer the ‘keep swimming’ saying, it’s personal.”

Xie Lian smiled. He didn’t understand his preference for such a saying; it wasn’t like he still practiced his religion, although he hadn’t abandoned his beliefs either. Besides, all paths have been tied for him for two decades now, even more than that.

But this was him, someone who wants to at least think that there is some clear path, even if it is an overflowing lava path. His body was in the abyss and his heart was about to fall out of the small corner left for him in paradise, desperately trying to stay.

***

As promised, at the end of his shift, Xie Lian soon found himself at the door of the teahouse. During the entire journey, he considered going straight home, because San Lang certainly wouldn't be there. After all, even though they had spent a good time together and the young man was such a good person, that didn't mean that he would be in such good eyes of the latter that they could meet again.

However, Xie Lian still went, because even if San Lang wasn't there, he could still have some good tea and relax to go home cool-headed and calm, and watch some movies with Ban Yue, like he owed for a while.

When Xie Lian entered the store and saw San Lang sitting at the same table as the day before, fiddling with his phone with a stressed crease between his eyebrows, he couldn't help but sigh and laugh with relief. As he walked excitedly to the table, San Lang quickly noticed his presence; he smiled, his eyes became half moons, and that crease disappeared. Xie Lian's entire body heated up and he had to restrain himself from rushing over and grabbing the young man in a tight, lingering hug.

Xie Lian definitely didn't know what it was about this guy that made him feel so good and relaxed — and needy — but he couldn't let his emotions override his rationality. Still, his steps quickened a little, the expectation of having a good conversation after yet another tiring and difficult day got the best of him.

“Gege! You’re right on time!” San Lang turned off his phone and put it in his bag. “I made a special request for us, something I’ve wanted to try ever since I found out what it was.”

Xie Lian smiled, “Hmm, what is it? Oh, and tell me the price too, so I can…”

“Nothing like that.” San Lang waved his hand, interrupting him. “It’s on me. Consider it a gift for having me stay at your house.”

Xie Lian felt his face heat up, both from the shy embarrassment of receiving a gift and the shame of being the reason for someone's money being spent.

“But, I don't want it to be heavy for you…” he tried to insist, but San Lang shook his head.

“Money is no problem for me,” he said. “Like I said, it’s a gift, it’s rude to refuse, gege.”

“But…”

“Gege doesn’t like me giving him presents?” The young man’s mouth twisted into a pout; his eyes seemed to grow bigger and brighter as well. “Gege hates my presents.”

“No! San Lang ah!”

But the youth’s head and shoulders had drooped sadly, and Xie Lian couldn’t help but laugh at this drama.

“Now gege laughs at me…” he muttered unhappily.

“No… haha… San Lang, it’s okay, you’re too much.”

San Lang was excited, “So gege finally accepts my gift?”

Xie Lian laughed again, “Yes.”

“Great, I was looking at other things that go really well with gege, in a few days you will receive a package in a gift package at your home. And I want to see gege wearing it. I talked to Ban Yue about what you like to wear and I came to the conclusion that what I bought will look really cute on you, maybe I can't even stand that image.” San Lang sighs dreamily, smiling childishly and resting his chin on his hand. Xie Lian stuttered incoherently, not knowing what to say.

Finally, Xie Lian decides that it would be best to change the subject, with some hope that this new gift would just be a joke, or else he didn't know if he could handle it. He asked, “Does San Lang have any of his works to show me?”

San Lang smiled broadly, “Coincidentally, I made something especially for you.” Xie Lian sighed. So the topic of gifts wasn’t over, he thought.

Inside his bag, the young man takes out a brown paper envelope and hands it to Xie Lian, who, upon opening it, his mouth immediately opens into a perfect O.

It was an oil painting on paper of him, only he was wearing the ceremonial clothes of the festival he had starred in a lifetime ago: The Martial Warrior Who Pleases the Gods.

The Xie house was noble, but not royal. However, the newly appointed kings did not have any sons old enough to star in the festival, so Xie Lian was chosen for the role because of his martial arts skills and age. And his performance was memorable enough to become a tale that is still told today by storytellers and families with young children, even if the ending is not happy.

Xie Lian’s face in this painting was 29 years younger, happier, more confident and naive. In his hand was a beautiful, long sword stretched out close to his neck, in a sacrificial stance. He laughed.

“Why pretend to believe in my fake identity?” He asked, looking back at the boy.

San Lang shrugged, “You chose to introduce yourself as Fang Xin for some reason. But also, why would Gege ask me about himself?” He smiled mischievously, “Gege wasn't really trying hard, was he?”

This only made Xie Lian laugh harder, “San Lang got me. You’re right, I’ve never been very good at lying.” 

The young man’s smile softened, “Did Gege like my gift then?”

“Very much,” he smiled. “I just don’t have a good place to keep it, I don’t even know if I should hang it somewhere. Wouldn’t that be to much…? Maybe not, your painting is too beautiful. So talented!”

San Lang waved his hand, slumping back in his chair in a relaxed posture, and said, “Bullshit. Gege can do whatever he wants with this. Tear it up; burn it; throw it away; lock it in a drawer until it's dusty and forgotten; whatever you want, as long as you keep it.”

Xie Lian’s eyes widened more and more at San Lang’s every destructive suggestion, horrified, “San Lang! Don’t talk like that. It's so beautiful, why would I destroy it? Does San Lang really like me? It's like he wants to see me destroyed,” he finished his speech with a pout.

San Lang’s eyes widened as much as Xie Lian’s had widened his. “No! My gods. I just thought that since it was something I did, then it's okay. Forgive this one, gege, for dishonoring you.”

The man in question is silent for a moment, blinking his eyes, before bursting out laughing, “San Lang! Dishonor me? It's not like I could be desecrated if this painting was destroyed. Don't think so either!”

The young man was blushing, but he still had that beautiful, childish fox smile back.

“But gege! It's sacred! It would be sacrilege to destroy your image.”

“San Lang! No!”

“Gege! Yes!”

“No.”

“Gegeeee,” he whimpered. Xie Lian laughed harder and shook his head.

At this time, San Lang’s order arrived. Several plates of various types of sweets and glasses of juice were placed on the table. Xie Lian looked at it all in disbelief.

San Lang smiled: “Here,” he picked up a spoon, took a piece of one of the sweets and handed it to him, “Try it and tell me what you think.”

Xie Lian put the painting back into the envelope, picked up the spoon, and ate the sweet treat. A rich flavor of chocolate with vanilla, hazelnut, and lemon exploded in his mouth, causing him to let out a small groan of satisfaction.

“So good!” He said, taking the plate with this sweet and eating more. It was made with cream, syrup and biscuits, with grated lemon peel.

San Lang smiled, taking a sip of reddish juice, probably watermelon or strawberry. Xie Lian picked up his own glass of orange juice, discovering that it was papaya with something sweeter. Honey.

Finally, he asked how long San Lang planned to stay in the city. With a shrug, his answer was, “Undetermined.”

“Are you on vacation?”

“No.”

“And what about your work?”

“I can do it whenever I want.”

Xie Lian raised an eyebrow. But if he was a civil servant and wasn’t on vacation, then he definitely had orders with deadlines. 

“Nowhere to go back to? Isn’t anyone missing you?”

“No, it’s just me. Why?” San Lang arches his eyebrow with a sly smile on his face, “Is Gege tired of me already?”

“No! No. Actually, I was wondering how many more times I could meet you. I think I'm very lucky, from your answers I have plenty of time.”

“Hmm, true. Gege will have me all to himself for a loooong time. Is there something you'd like to show me here? Or better yet! Gege, would you mind if I made dinner at your place again? Also, Ban Yue told me that you owed her a movie night and used me as a substitute yesterday. We can surprise her.”

Xie Lian became excited.

They planned how to surprise Ban Yue. It would have to be the next day, on Xie Lian's day off, so he could take her somewhere while San Lang made preparations for movie night and dinner. But once he realized who had gotten the biggest share, Xie Lian felt guilty and wanted to take some other share. San Lang refused.

“There’s no way gege can be in two places at once,” he joked. Xie Lian felt embarrassed for giving the young man all this work, but he was also very grateful and touched that not only had he volunteered, but he had also come up with the idea.

When he picked up his cell phone after finishing eating to send a message to Ban Yue saying he would be home soon, he saw one from her about having received an invitation to dinner at a school friend's house that night and accepted, the girl's mother would pick her up and take her back home, so there was no need to worry about her. Xie Lian sighed and replied, “Okay, take care and be sensible. Call me if anything happens, my phone is already on full volume.” Ban Yue’s response was just a thumbs up with a smiley face, which made Xie Lian smile.

“What’s wrong?” San Lang asked, making Xie Lian turn his attention to him.

“Nothing major, just Ban Yue going to a friend’s house for dinner.”

“Well, at least I still have gege to keep me company at dinner.”

This made Xie Lian feel excited again, so the smile he gave in response was wide.

***

They arrived home when Ban Yue had already left.

San Lang started preparing dinner while Xie Lian was in the shower.

Wearing only a pair of pants after his shower, Xie Lian injects his biweekly dose of testosterone into the syringe and injects it into the intramuscular region. When he first started hormone therapy in his youth, Xie Lian was somehow terrified of needles and would always ask his personal servant, Mu Qing, who had knowledge about nursing thanks to his then-current undergraduate degree, to apply for him. Mu Qing, even though he always snorted and rolled his eyes at Xie Lian's fear, was always extremely patient and careful, his touch was so light that he ended up never feeling even the needle, even though he was terrified every time.

However, there came a time when Xie Lian needed to learn how to apply his injection on his own. After all, no matter how blind he was at the time, he never trusted Jun Wu to the point of allowing him to stick a needle in him. Who could guarantee that that man wouldn't hurt him on purpose, if he didn't do something worse?

After the hormone was applied, Xie Lian discarded the syringe and needle, put on a blouse, gathered all his long hair into a bun and left the bathroom feeling refreshed, even though his body was sore all over.

He found San Lang stirring something that smelled like a delicious mix of spices, pepper, and chicken in the pot and humming some song in a foreign language, and from the tone of the melody it sounded like a lullaby.

“What song is that?” He asked as he sat down at the counter.

San Lang looked at him over his shoulder and smiled. “Gege, you look really cute with that hairstyle.” Xie Lian blushed.

San Lang looked back at the pots on the stove. “A lullaby from my mother’s people, which she sang to me when I was a baby.”

“Oh. Where was she from?”

“Xijiang Qianhu, Guizhou Province.”

“Has San Lang been there?”

“Hm-hum. I go there periodically to see my grandparents. I met them a few years ago and have kept in touch ever since.”

“What is it like there?”

“Peaceful. Would Gege like to go there someday?”

Xie Lian smiled, “Why not? Would San Lang take me?”

“Whenever you want, just say so.”

“Can I meet your grandparents?”

“If it’s gege’s wish, then yes.”

“It is my wish!” Xie Lian laughed. 

“What about your mother?” San Lang shook his head, turning around and holding out the wooden spoon so Xie Lian could taste the broth. “She died when I was still a toddler.”

Xie Lian swallowed hard.

“Oh, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for your loss.”

San Lang shook his head again, smiling softly. He said, “It’s okay, it’s been a long time. How does it taste?”

Xie Lian licked his lips, ignoring the heat on his face caused by San Lang, making him taste the broth from his hand, “Delicious.”

“Good. Gege, I have a question.”

“Ask.”

“This is the second time I’ve cooked for gege, when will it be gege’s turn to cook for me? I want to try it,” he pouted.

Xie Lian felt like his heart would explode from the boy’s pouting.

“...San Lang ah.”

“Gege ah.”

He whined, “San Lang, as much as I love cooking, only I can eat my food without ending up in the hospital. Seriously.”

San Lang smiled.

“Maybe other people aren’t as strong as Gege then.”

“San Lang!”

“Gege!”

Xie Lian sighed, “Do you really want to try my food?”

“Yes!” San Lang nodded forcefully, causing Xie Lian to laugh.

“Then make room for me, you’ll get your chance today.”

San Lang lets out a victorious exclamation, as if he had just won the lottery, which only makes Xie Lian laugh harder.

His cooking begins when the young man's pans of food are cooking on the fire, with little time left before it is ready. The smell of his cooking wafted through the air, making Xie Lian’s mouth water, meanwhile, just as he put his own food to cook, another strange and strong smell burst forth like an explosion, canceling out the first.

It was supposed to be just a simple vegetable soup, but Xie Lian mixed in several seasonings without even knowing what the result would be, and the vegetables had burnt and the broth had turned purple.

He ran to put out the fire when he smelled it, having been distracted by talking to San Lang, who had already put out the fires in his own pots a long time ago. Xie Lian stirred and scooped up some of the soup with the ladle to taste. At first, there was only a slight salty taste, however, a few seconds later, his mouth felt as if it had been hit by an explosion of salt and pepper, heating up his mouth and causing a burning sensation to the point that his eyes were watering.

Despite the excess of pepper and salt, it wasn’t so bad that it couldn’t be eaten!

“It’s ready!” He said excitedly.

“Then let’s eat,” San Lang smiled.

Xie Lian prepared a plate of San Lang's food and a pot of his soup, while the young man opted only for the other man's food.

As they sat at the table, Xie Lian anxiously did not touch his own food as he watched San Lang prepare a spoonful of the extra spicy vegetable soup, blow on it to cool it down and drive away the smoke, and then put it into his mouth in one go. A few seconds later, the young man was already preparing another spoonful, unwavering and relaxed, as if it was a normal meal, making Xie Lian feel more anxious.

Xie Lian blinked, “San Lang?”

San Lang looked at him, “Yes?”

“So?” he pointed at the soup.

“Oh. I think Gege underestimates his own talents. As long as he adds less pepper and salt and cooks it for a shorter time, the soup will be just right next time.” 

Xie Lian’s eyes lit up and he said with a smile, “Okay! I’ll follow San Lang’s advice next time. I’m glad!”

San Lang smiled, and his eyes also shone, but with a different light.

As he tasted the young man’s cooking, Xie Lian groaned at how good it was. There was ginger, a faint taste of lemon, and spicy seasoning in the tender meat, delicious and unique, nothing like the strange cuisine he made.

“San Lang, it’s so good!” His words made the young man, who was watching him eat, laugh. “So talented!”

The light in San Lang’s eyes grew brighter, “Hm, one day gege will discover that this San Lang is very good at many things.”

                         ────୨ৎ────

Footnotes

[1] 老 [lao]. Here it means "Old-Xie".

The author has something to say:

Any food mentioned here was taken from my head. I'm not much of a cook, so I don't know many dishes other than the most common ones in Brazil hahaha

Chapter one — Chapter three

Like what I write? Support me on ko-fi!

[simpforchuchu]

OMG I didn’t read the HnLTWX, so sorry abt that😭 I do have a req for TWX though! could i please req the Oyakou bois reacting to an s/o who has a talent? (any talent of ur choice n it doesn’t have to be the same for each of them) SORRY FOR THAT AGAIN BUT ANYWAYS LY N TY🥲

How would Oya Boys react to reader who has talent?

a/n: Hii! No need to be sorry and love you too 💕 Here is your request, i hope you like it 🤗💕

Sorry for the grammer or spelling mistakes.English is not my main language so...

Thank you and love you 🥰

Warnings: none

Fujio ♡ ~cooking~

•  I think Fujio definitely doesn't know how to cook

•  No, not because he was looking for someone to cook for him, but because he was such a bad cook that he could set the kitchen on fire.

•  Maybe he knows how to make scrambled eggs...

•  At the beginning of the relationship,when his sweet lover who was visiting him told him that she had prepared a bento and hearts definitely appeared in his eyes...

•  It means a lot for him that someone does something for him.

•  But preparing a bento?  Wow, this boy definitely thinks this is a very difficult thing and he is very grateful

•  When he opens bento, the carefully prepared food will make him very happy and he will eat it with joy

•  He's definitely talking about it to everyone...

• THINKS SHE IS THE MOST AWESOME CHIEF IN THE WORLD AND IS NO 1 FAN NOW

Tsukasa ♡ ~singing~

•  Although Tsukasa has a very calm character, I think he is usually a stressed person

•  In a world of fights, friendships, and lots of violence, there's someone who makes his life beautiful

•  And it's a treasure for him

•  He was quite surprised when he realized the beauty of her voice and thought how peaceful it was as he listened to it.

•  I think he will often ask his girlfriend to sing

•  A slow song they listen to and love together and the voice of his y/n

•  Lying and smiling on the knees of the young girl with his eyes closed

•  He keeps many audio recordings of his lover for when he needs her while she sleeps, and listens to the songs she sings when he can't sleep at night

Todoroki ♡ ~knitting~

•  No matter how tough he looks, I believe Todoroki would be a great boyfriend.

•  A caring, understanding and genius boyfriend

•  He always thinks and feels how lucky he is to have the young girl

•  But now he realizes he's never been this happy

•  He won't be able to say anything for a while when Y/n gives him a beret and scarf she knitted herself.

•  Pretty cute ones...

• He wants to cry from happiness but no, he won't

•  Even though he doesn't show much joy in front of her, I think he will hug his gifts for a long time at home.

Tsuji & Shibaman ♡ ~drawing~

•  Although their characters are somewhat similar, Tsuji is calmer and colder than Shiba

•  But they never show their girlfriends the aggressive side they show to their friends and enemies.

•  They would be quite surprised if they ever saw her sketchbook by chance.

•  No, they weren't going through her stuff, they saw her open notebook on the table

•  I can imagine Shibaman getting pretty excited and looking at the drawings.In fact, he will never stop talking about it. He'll probably ask her to draw him too

•  Tsuji will react more calmly. He's definitely fascinated, but he won't show it. I'm sure his heart will speed up when he sees himself among the drawings...

YasuKiyo ♡ ~baking~

•  I think these two definitely have a soft spot for sugar.

•  I can especially imagine Yasushi eating cake or chocolate every day

•  So having a lover who can bake will make them feel like heavenly

•  I'M SURE BOTH WILL BE EXCITED

•  Maybe Screams and Laughters?

•  I don't think they will force her to bake for them but they will definitely be the biggest fans of cakes

•  When she try new recipes, they won't be afraid to taste them.

•  Maybe they can even help her decorate the cream, but I don't think it's a good idea.

ChunChun ♡ ~dancing~

•  Of course it must be dancing

•  We all know this duo's love for hip-hop

•  That's why the dancer s/o is....

•  God, such fanboys...

•  They're both totally babies so I think they're going to have a pretty cute relationship.

•  And they probably won't find out by coincidence or accident, the reader will tell them and they will be quite surprised.

•  SO WHEN SHE SHOWS THEM UDDHHSJD

•  GOD THEY ARE HER BIGGEST FAN

•  They will attend every show or contest of her and support her

•  And yes, they definitely can't stop talking about her... never.

HnL taglist : @straysugzhpe @tiddly-winx

[phantomluck]

I stopped trying to live post. Here's my summary of watching the live stream tonight starting around Sharpest Lives

Ray toro dancing during sharpest lives

"Fuckin ace man" after

Lower register "well carry on" I love you

They look so happy oh my god

Frank is playing with his favorite band

Mikey playing the album that almost killed him with so much joy

Toro disenchanted solo you will always be famous

Streamer: "I hope he makes us bark again"

(Unfortunately no barking)

Her and her mic chord playing

RAY TORO HOP!!!

WUUUHHHGGGG

"I'm gonna start barking anyway even tho she didn't ask for it"

Little wave for sound person. Love

God grant me serenity speech before mama oh my god someone cast gee as prior 40 days ago

Bum bum bum bum bum

KAYLEY THE VIOLINIST YIU WILL ALWAYS BE FAMLUS

Gerard way longs to kill a guy after their friend died

WAKE UP

The energy during sleep holy fuck

Her sweet face and chuckle at the end of sleep

Mcr forever

"Having the sweetest face and the nastiest scream in the world its.....it's too much"

Partay time!!!! :D

Mcr is ending they're giving it so much I still they better not what the fuck

Gerard "This is a song about being in the dream, and dying, because that's the dream too"

Gerard "Please put the lights this way, it's really for us" "that is beautiful"

Disenchanted most pain I've ever felt what the fuxk

Mcr please don't go away

Where did you hide, too? And where did you run?

Disenchanted keys instead of guitar (or pedal?)

"Everybody say 'thank you' to Mikey way for disenchanted" you're right say it!!!!

Not afraid to keep on living mcr forever actually never die

The crowd pan out (thank you streamer) during

FLW. The crowd shouting never ceases to choke me up. Litterally a song to stay alive for. I know the whole city heard it.

NANANANA FOR ENCORE!!!!!! FUCK!!!!

Frank and Ray sing together yes love good needed

Chord choke on "kiss me you animal" GIRL

Oh God they're going to "die" to change the world not again fick

No call and response????? Running out the timer maybe?????

Mikey way I love your jamming stance

Crowd son long and good night singing I'm emotional

Things are better if I stay. They're going to be a band forever

Guitar on Frank's head

"Fuck yeah get home safe motherfuckers" mcr forever

[nagycyra]

Between Details

I really write this fanfic in spanish, I hope I don't have many mistakes when writing it in english, it may not seem like it but it really worries me a little bit, anyway. I hope you enjoy it.

A promising day, excitement ran completely through T/N, unable to keep calm as soon as the alarm on her phone rang. The sun hadn't even shown its first rays, but it couldn't be helped, her wedding day couldn't just be ruined by mishaps.

Finally, at 27 years old, T/N would be marrying the person she had loved the most, Miguel O'Hara, a man she had been in love with since late college, meeting him had been a rather strange coincidence, to consider that they would one day marry was an incredibly witty idea, a man with strong scientific beliefs coupled with a woman with a kind and sensitive heart, it was a strange mix for quite a few people, but she really felt good about it.

T/N was barely out of the comfort of her bed, almost tripping over the sheets falling off the mattress, hurriedly making her way to the shower, checking the temperature of the falling water to finally shed the clothes covering her body, comfortably feeling the water run from the crown of her head to the tips of her toes, letting out a small sigh as the muscles in her body relaxed at the warmth, gently cleansing her skin and carefully washing her hair until she finally feels the comfort of cleanliness.

Stepping out of the pleasant shower took longer, the morning chill was uncomfortable as it brushed against her skin, using the comfortable robe to cover her body from the cold as she stepped back out into her bedroom. The sun's rays were beginning to shine through the pretty embroidery on the curtains, a few small knocks sounded on the bedroom door.

-Conchata's voice sounded from the other side, a soft and excited tone while T/N hummed with acceptance, making the woman enter the room, the lady was dressed comfortably, with her hair up and a nice smile on her lips. -I don't know who is more excited, you because it's your wedding day or me because finally my bitter son will marry someone so lovely.

A loud laugh leaves T/N's lips, light drops of water were still falling from her hair to the floor, dampening it and starting to feel the cold more intensely.

Well, to tell you the truth I think I'm going to squeal with excitement." Her soft voice was trying hard to hide the little scream that T/N so longed to let out, her cheeks flushed and her heart racing, Conchata smiled at the pleasant image of her daughter-in-law so excited, remembering the days of her own happiness at seeing the young girl so restless.

-Okay, fine, you win- She spoke with a smile as she opened the door and another woman entered, Anna, a close friend and the woman who will be in charge of makeup, despite her slightly disheveled appearance as she looked for a way to find a suitable space to attend you, the smile of happiness adorned her face, those blue eyes looked at you with so much joy, her lips painted in a slightly pink tone barely stood out, Anna has the clear intention for you to be the most beautiful woman on that day, not only had she strived to keep you as a great student in your college days, you also did it by feeling the desire of wanting to be an outstanding wife.

Remembering the day Miguel got down on one knee on that dock, a beautiful night where everything was beautifully lit up, flowers and soft music in the background as he nervously asked you to marry him, it was simply an unforgettable night, naturally the wedding should also be unforgettable.

With a smile, T/N was sitting in front of the dressing table, looking through the mirror as Anna was arranging bags of different sizes on a small table and then smiling with a certain complicity, Anna knows you better than anyone, she is your best friend and who has had more consideration for you over time, a girl who always showed kindness and loyalty to her friendship, even leaving aside boys if she saw that they tried to harm you or insinuate themselves towards you with any malicious intention.

She was in charge of treating you carefully, she knows how curious you are and how restless you get when you have to wait so long, cleaning your skin gently, applying makeup, observing the small details to highlight, she always told you how beautiful your eyes are, that look that was so expressive, that shone so bright when you talked or did something you liked so much, how quickly they swelled when you cried with some typical dramatic novel or even when you got to cry over the story of a dog that waited for so long for its owner, she wasn't as sensitive as you but she certainly never made fun of your way of being, even when curiously enough you met through misunderstandings.

-How is it possible that my best friend is getting married so soon?" questioned Anna with a smile on her lips, skillfully placing the eyeliner, highlighting the beauty of your beautiful sockets.

-Don't tell me that, you got married before me- commented T/N with a smile on your lips, being scolded by Anna for moving too much when trying to see her.

-Yes, you were crying so much that I even delayed going to see the guests after the ceremony -Anna's voice sounded so nostalgic, you know her well, you know that now she is the one who would possibly start crying with emotion. -You can't blame me, you got me used to having your attention, out of nowhere it turns out that you got married and now I have to share you- you complained with a pout on your lips, provoking an amused laugh in Anna.

-But you know I'm always there for you.

-I know, today is a proof of that- a smile was drawn on T/N's lips, Anna only makes up as a little hobby, she is the owner of a prestigious restaurant, you saw her cry and make courage to get where she is, and her husband, Marcus, is a well known real estate salesman, even though according to him his true passion is the gastronomic critic, but T/N always considered it as an excuse to try first hand Anna's dishes.

-You must really consider that I worked magic to prepare your buffet," Anna's voice sounded proud, she herself had been in charge of organizing everything meticulously, god knows what the poor cooks suffered that day.

A pleasant laugh came from your lips, you really knew that Anna was quite fussy about every detail for your day.

-Yes, I know.

Time went by, the care in arranging every detail of makeup, dress, hairstyle, everything was so careful that T/N thought you would be late. T/N could see your reflection in the mirror, you were really beautiful, your makeup highlighted the beauty of your eyes, showing the beautiful curves of your body covered with a soft and comfortable fabric, showing light details that subtly flashed on your cleavage, highlighting the beauty of your body, of your soft skin. Every detail seemed unique and exclusively made for you.

Finally it was time to leave, despite the various ideas about where the wedding would be, the idea of leaving the huge church with a white dress seemed to be the best option, considering the large number of people who had been invited, it was curious, initially they started with close relatives, until from one moment to another most of Miguel's relatives and close friends ended up inside the celebration, although it was nice that they respected the rule that there would be no children in the party, mostly because the room had a lot of mirrors and beautiful crystals.

The drive to the ceremony was rather quiet, despite the concerns about traffic, it didn't seem to be as chaotic as it initially appeared to be.

T/N's heart was beating fast, her cheeks were slightly flushed as she stepped out of the limousine, accompanied by her father as he walked her down the aisle.

The baroque design of the church was almost conventional, but the excitement could not be described in words, the way the doors opened to reveal the interior, to show the place almost packed as a nervous Michael smiled almost shyly, quite a nice thing to see considering how confident your future husband is at almost all times. Your father gently took your hand, murmuring reassuring words as he walked T/N down the aisle, each step seeming to be a beautiful dream, remembering the promises of love and tenderness they had pledged to each other since they fell in love.

They had finally arrived in front of Miguel, the man's nervous and awkwardly smitten smile was priceless as he saw how beautiful T/N looked.

-Mi amor….- purred the man softly, his voice slightly seductive, like a promise of what was to come next.

T/N took her future husband's hand, watching her father's soft smile as he handed over his beloved little daughter.

-We are here to celebrate the union of a beautiful couple," the priest's voice echoed in the great place, speaking and commemorating the moment until finally the final words were spoken.

-Miguel O'Hara, do you take T/N to love and cherish until death do you part?

-I do.

-T/N, do you take this man, to love and to cherish till death do you part?

-I do…

As soon as they said those words, they both looked at each other, Miguel's eyes lowered to see the beautiful lips of his beloved, his hands went down to T/N's waist, his brown eyes softly narrowed at the love and desire towards his partner.

T/N knew perfectly well, she lifted her gaze gently until Miguel finally placed his lips on hers, pressing gently, feeling the soft taste of lipstick, taking note of his beloved's scent, the way she shuddered and the way that addictive sensation began to fill him, making it almost impossible to pull away as the kiss deepened. Until finally because of the air or the screams of excitement from the people, Miguel slowly pulled away, sucking gently on T/N's lower lip, savoring every last ounce of his beloved.

-So beautiful, my beloved wife…- He murmured softly as he gently cradled one of the beautiful woman's cheeks with his hand, feeling how perfect she is, the way they were perfectly coupled the moment they got closer.

-I love you, my handsome husband- commented T/N with blushing cheeks, hugging Miguel as he took the opportunity to hold her in his arms in a nuptial way, making T/N let out a small squeal of excitement.

People applauded and celebrated loudly as they watched the newlyweds walk to the exit.

This day couldn't get any better.

So why, after five years of marriage and a little daughter, are you here, signing divorce papers?

-Is there anything else to do?" asked T/N in a curt manner, her long wine-colored dress moved subtly with every movement of the woman, who had taken care of herself and maintained herself in an amazing way, many women envied her for managing to look so well despite having fathered a little girl.

-No, that's all, about the visits…..

-Weekends, starting Friday to Sunday afternoons- interrupting you to the man who was once your husband, now, ex-husband, who was wearing a gray suit, the white shirt highlighted the dull color of the jacket and his pants.

-Yes…- the man's indifference broke T/N's heart, but he asked for it, you weren't to blame, you weren't….

It's what you most want to believe…

[spagettae]

📄 — ANONYMOUS // chapter 1

pairing/s : kang taehyun x fem!reader.

: the school has an anonymous board in the hallway so students who can't face their crushes or wanna vent who don't want to show their identity. you were reading some messages on the board and there's a message for you and you were curious about who it is.

wc : 1.3k

cw : deez nuts and fart jokes, lowercase.

click the paper thing emoji to see the series masterlist.

“ class dismissed, please don't forget to do your homework! ” the professor said as she left the classroom.

everyone in the classroom started to get noisy, students laughing, looking around to look for your friend. spotting her on her desk putting her stuff away as you walked towards her desk. “ let's get lunch? ” you asked as she looked through her bag to get her wallet. “ yeah, i'm hungry right now, let's go to the cafeteria! ” dahyun answered as she walked first, you following her.

the cafeteria was lively and noisy as usual. students laughing while eating their lunches, some are quiet to the point you don't notice them that they're in the cafeteria.

“ wait! i forgot my wallet. ” you said to dahyun as she just gave you a blank stare. “ well?? get your wallet, i'm really starving right now! ” she whined, her stomach growling. you gave her an apologetic look as you ran to the classroom to get your wallet.

bumping into someone on your way to the classroom, stopping and bowing to genuinely apologize to the person you bumped into. “ ah- i'm really sorry! ” you said as you looked up to see taehyun standing there. “ oh ” the only thing you can mutter as he just smiled at you and left hurriedly. you didn't mind it while he was jumping in joy.

you pass the anonymous board on the hallway as you stop and take a few step backs to look at the notes. there were two (2) anonymous boards on the school. one on the library and one in the hallway. the messages weren't really that interesting since most of the students just put jokes on it like "deez nuts" , "fart" or putting their name's crushes with a "you're so beautiful", "i hope i still have chance" and many more. you never found those interesting but when you were reading some there's something that just stands out.

the message was " yn this is cringe and shit but whatever i need to say it. whenever I see you on campus, my day is complete. just by seeing you makes me happy and i can't thank you enough for it. i don't have any reasons to talk to you but i always see you from afar. this is so cheesy loll " the message wasn't that cringe and you would never stopped smiling if someone didn't tap you on the shoulder.

“ i just finished eating because you took so long so i ate alone. what are you doing here anyway ” dahyun said, taking a bite from a chocolate bar she brought from the cafeteria. you pointed at a certain paper as she read it. “ wow?! a secret admirer ” she said loudly that some students look over to where you guys are standing, smacking her in the head. “ girl lower your voice ” you whispered yelled at her as she couldn't careless and just nodded. “ that's a cringe letter for me not gonna lie, but who they are they do what they do i guess.. ” your friend said as she take the last bite from her chocolate bar.

“ anyway, we don't have that much time now for lunch. luckily i bought biscuits for you. ” she said as she handed you the biscuits, thanking her as you both walked into your next classes. you were lucky enough that you and dahyun are in the same class.

the bell rang as the professor started to clean the desk and dismissed the whole class. you gathered your things as dahyun walked towards your desk. “ wanna hang out after school? ” she asked, putting her hands on your desk as you looked at your watch. “ with who? we don't have any more classes after this. ” you said as you two started walking out of the classroom.

“ well it's just kai and taehyun. ” she replied, whistling. you stopped walking as you looked at her. “ kai and who? ” dahyun grinned as she answered “ kai and taehyun. ” your eyes widened at the mention of taehyun's name. “ wait, really? ” you asked with a big smile on your face, dahyun laughed at the sight infront of her and nodded.

squealing as you scream in silence, running out of the school. dahyun laughing and follows you.

“ where? ” you asked, looking back at dahyun while she was at her phone typing away before looking back at you. “ do you know that cafe? ” she asked pointing at the nearby cafe, nodding since you always get your coffee there before going to school. “ great! they're waiting there oh and they ordered coffee for us too. ” dahyun said, putting her cellphone on her bag. your smile getting wider when you two are nearing the cafe.

they were outside so the both of you wouldn't go inside the cafe. “ yo, kai! ” you greeted the boy, high-fiving him as dahyun greeted taehyun. “ ynn! ” he happily said as he showed you a drink. “ your usual drink and this one's for you dahyun! ” he said as he gave his drink to taehyun first to give you and dahyun's drinks.

dahyun happily accepted it and thanked kai, you did the same as dahyun you accepted it and thanked him as you turned to taehyun to greet him. “ hello, taehyun! ” you energetically said, waving at him as he just gave you a small smile and waved back.

kai and dahyun look at each other and grin as they nudge each other trying not to laugh. they definitely did this for you two to bond and have fun i guess and the two of them are the babysitter. kai knew taehyun sticked the paper on the anonymous board. not only kai but most of his friends.

“ since we're all here, where do you guys wanna go? ” kai asked. “ oh, well what about- ” dahyun cutting you off as she suggests going to the mall since there's an arcade there. kai perked up at her suggestion as he cackled then dahyun followed him cackling. you and taehyun give both each other a confused look but his facial says annoyed. he knew where this is going when you're confused.

taehyun started praying as kai and dahyun were still laughing to themselves while glancing at your clueless figure. oh this is gonna be fun for them.

i swear i will just post chapter 1 then i won't update this in weeks or even months 💀 writers block always coms back fr adn i have so many pending works cries

taglist — open send an ask or comment if you wanna be added

[khaire-traveler]

I have a question about signs from the gods if that is okay? I'm someone who generally doesn't look for signs from the gods and ends up rationalizing everything that could be seen as signs by others. The thing is, last week I was in a rough place emotionally and experiencing really bad feelings about things and I guess in desperation I called out to one of my deities asking if this was real, if I was wanted as a follower and I asked for a sign that I was wanted and was cared about. The next morning I woke up to a tiny little spider weaving a gorgeous web on my altar for said god, using two of the statues as anchors. To me this could be very very mundane, though a bit odd for tiny spider to build a web right there when typically they do it elsewhere. Then when I was doing some yard work I encountered two moths, one of which almost landed right in front of my lawn mower and thankfully. I spent a bit of time admiring her beauty and even gave her a little name before she decided she had enough of my adoration and flew away. And then my dad had me rescue this tiny frog in the wheelbarrow. The cutie sat on my hand for a good while before leaping into the great unknown of the bushes. Now see, my brain can easily rationalize this as the best day ever because I love tiny spiders, I absolutely adore moths, and I name all of the frogs in our yard every year. However, I can't help but wonder, because I thought of my god frequently during each critter encounter, if these were signs from my god to answer my questions. I'm honestly not sure because these could be very mundane things but at the same time, if there was any big dramatic gesture I'd probably end up terrified. I'm horrible at reading signs when it's not related to nature and survival. :(

Hey, friend! Thank you for the ask!

I have this problem (rationalizing potential signs) as well, actually, and it's something I've been working pretty hard on unlearning. I think, for me, these feelings partially stem from this rhetoric within society that "spiritual people" are just "crazy" and "dumb" and "making things up". I feel like there is a lot of shame around being spiritual and allowing ourselves to experience spiritual things. When I see something and feel it's a sign, I always find this little voice in my head being like, "No, you're just looking for signs," but honestly, what is the harm in looking for signs? Isn't that kind of the point anyway?

While I can't interpret signs for you (since they tend to be a very personal thing that varies for each person), I will share my opinion. It sounds like you already know the answer. Maybe you're doubting your experiences and would just like that confirmation that "yes, this is real, yes, this is a sign and an answer", but honestly, it seems like you genuinely already have your answer. My best advice to give you is to trust yourself.

UPG here, but once, I asked Hermes for an answer to a really important question. It was something that gave me lots of anxiety and that I was "unsure" about. He refused to give me an answer, and all he said instead was "you already know the answer". And he was right, I did know, but I wanted someone else to confirm it anyway, even though I didn't need them to, because I doubted myself. Whenever I go to Hermes with similar problems now, he reminds me "you already know the answer". I wanted to share that experience with you because it felt relevant. I hope it helps in some way.

My personal opinion is that each of those things was a sign to remind you that this is real, you are cared for, and you are loved. I encourage you to be gentler on yourself, and remember your experiences are valid. I don't mean to speak for the gods here, but your deities definitely don't hate, or even dislike, you. They're out there, watching over you, and I'm sure they're really happy that the cute critters you saw could bring you even just a moment of peace and joy. You are worthy of the care and love of the gods. Remind yourself of that.

I hope this helped in some way! Please take good care of yourself. 🧡☺️

[vidreview]

VIDEO ESSAY ROUNDUP #1

[originally posted october 11th 2023]

so, i watch a lot of video essays.

i started this blog with the intention of reviewing video essays at length, in the hopes of highlighting best & worst practices, discussing the history of the form, and using them as a jumping off point for personal/political introspection. but as time has gone on, i've found myself encountering more and more videos that i didn't have a whole lot to say about, but that felt worthy of a spotlight anyway.

WITH THAT IN MIND, welcome to video essay roundup, an occasional list of stuff i've watched recently that i think is worth your time. enough preamble, let's get started.

"Self-Discovery Stories | Video Essay" by Glouder Glens.

are you watching Sylvia Schweikert? i know you're not because its numbers are disastrously low. her video about it/its pronouns is a genuine work of art, a video essay about the dehumanization of trans people that seamlessly transforms into lesbian werewolf erotica. this newest video is just as beautiful and strange, not least because it's rendered in portrait mode like a tiktok. it's an honest, far-ranging and personal essay whose sub-300 views is genuinely criminal. seriously, seriously, Sylvia's an essayist you NEED to be paying attention to. it's making the kind of stuff that simply does not play well with the youtube algorithm, and that's the stuff that i live for. watch her videos and share them with your friends. give it money on patreon for gods sake! also definitely go watch her short film "Self Centered," it's a haunting and masterful work of art.

"More unremarkable and odd places in Mario 64" by Any Austin.

i stumbled across Any Austin a couple months ago and he's quickly become one of my favorite "it's time to relax" creators. his "unremarkable and odd places" series scratches an itch i never knew i had, as someone who loves exploring the least interesting corners of any digital world i find myself in. his other series involves calculating the unemployment rate of video game locations by talking to every NPC and deducing their employment status. the editing is calm, his tone is measured and matter of fact, and his sense of humor ties it all together. this is the kind of thing that used to be the bread and butter of video teams at outlets like Cracked or Polygon, before they were summarily laid off or pushed out. it's good to see someone else picking up that mantle in a way that seems relatively sustainable and isn't under the umbrella of a layoff-happy corporate enterprise (except for google of course, but we're all in that boat together aren't we?)

does this count as a video essay? i think that's a reasonable question. i'm inclined to say yes, with the understanding that there are many different types and genres of video essay. but that's a conversation for another day.

"On the Ethics of Boinking Animal People" by Patricia Taxxon.

i should do a full vidrev on this one honestly, but i can't do a post like this and not include it. if you play around in any sort of furry-adjacent fetish space, have opinions about the sexual proclivities of furries, or are otherwise prone to pearl-clutching as an outsider, this is an essential watch. Patricia here does a great job drawing attention to how even well-meaning defenders of, say, feral furry porn, often give up unnecessary ground to opponents with fallacious devices like the Harkness test. i've talked to a lot of fellow kinky furries who came out of this essay exalting in the joy that finally, someone said it! many of the arguments made here, especially in underlining that all furry porn is immaterial and imaginary, are thoughts i've had since i first made a furaffinity account in 2007 or 08 (though i swore up and down i wasn't a furry until 2019) but was always too afraid to express.

this is scary, sensitive territory, but that's what makes this such an essential intervention. this is the perspective of an autistic transfem furry who just wants to have an honest conversation without all the moral fearmongering and shortsighted kneejerk cliches that come up when a topic skirts dangerously close to taboos that we just, generally, refuse to talk about like adults. these are conversations that, in my experience, only ever happened among friendgroups with a long-established repartee and understanding of each other's boundaries, if at all. otherwise, even progressive supposedly kink-positive spaces can encourage a sort of cop-brained punitive attitude towards imaginary sex acts that very easily bleeds over into puritanical takes on, say, kink at pride. frankly, i'm sick of the language & rhetoric of Respectability, because saying "no, most of us aren't like the freaks" only ever results in a liberal block decrying the deplorables and subjecting them to further marginalization and abuse. it takes a lot of guts to make a video like this and i'm so, so glad that Patricia Taxxon stuck the landing.

"Who Is Killing Cinema? - A Murder Mystery" by Patrick (H) Willems.

i've already written two separate vidrevs on Willems, but what can i say? this most recent stretch of work focusing on the business and philosophy of cinema in the streaming era is good stuff. nothing in this particular essay is new per se if you've been paying attention to the business of hollywood for the last ten years, but it does a great job assembling the broad strokes of a lot of different-but-common arguments into one far ranging thesis. much like the prior two videos, i think this works as a solid introductory primer to a more materialist understanding of these trends for folks who aren't necessarily familiar with materialist theory. bonus points for wasting no time getting to the point, unlike his otherwise excellent video on the word "content."

alright, i think that'll do it for this video essay roundup! enjoy :)

ROUNDUP #2 ->

[NOTE: as i'm migrating the archive, links between roundups will direct back to cohost. i probably won't get around to changing that until i write a new one.]

[petitelepus]

hey!! can i request a demon slayer sfw human matchup? :)

she/her, leo, asexual, 166cm, i have (a bit longer than) shoulder-length dyed ginger hair, brown eyes, and i'm very skinny except for my chubby thighs (that are some of my biggest insecurities </3). i care a lot about my appearance, so i (try to) always wear classy clothes and makeup.

i appear as a cold, quiet, rational, and confident person. people say i have a resting bitch face and a look that says "i'm the best" which leads some to think i'm pretty enough to be like a model or smth, and that makes me really happy. also, i'm very introverted, and i really hate being like this lol. i try to be funny and sarcastic.

on the inside, i don't exactly feel so confident, i'm a person with lots of insecurities, very anxious, kinda depressed about everything, and i'm very sensitive about what people think of me. i try my best not to show it, and i'm pretty good at it. i don't want people to think i'm all of these things since it makes me feel weak.

i dedicate myself a lot to what i do, but i usually feel invisible and like a disappointment.

i try to shut off my emotions and distract myself with other stuff (such as writing texts/poems about what i'm feeling, sometimes it can get deep but no one will read them anyway) as much as possible, so sometimes i might seem like an angry person and i distance people without even noticing, it makes me sad, since i appreciate so so soo much every relationship i have, even if i don't show it.

i'm sorry if this is too much and i hope this is good 🥹 have a good day!! 💕💕

I match you with adult Tanjiro Kamado!

People are right when they think that you could be a model, you're that pretty. That, and based on your classy clothes and makeup, people assume you must be from a wealthy or high-class family.

Surely a beauty like you has a lot of suitors, but Tanjiro stands out when he isn't actively trying to hit on you. Go away Zenitsu.

To Tanjiro, this poor country pumpkin you're gorgeous, the real epitome of a proper high-class lady who should be treated with utmost respect.

You may appear cold and hard to approach, but that has never stopped Tanjiro from trying to befriend someone. Also, Nezuko likes you so you must truly be a nice person deep inside.

It takes a second, but Tanjiro soon realizes that your cold attitude might just be your introverted nature trying to protect you. You might taken aback when he tells you that it's good to look out for yourself, but you shouldn't completely isolate yourself from other people and even more from friends.

Feeling like you can trust him, you try to be more talkative and crack a joke or two and he is absolutely joyous when he sees you trying to talk to him like that.

It wasn't love at first glance like some may think, and it took a small moment and some talking for Tanjiro to fall for you.

Somehow this young man can see your insecurities, anxiety, and sadness and despite not completely understanding the reason you have them, he wants to be there for you and support and encourage you.

He hates seeing you feel bad about yourself and when he has your attention, he gives you a huge smile and starts making huge hand gestures as he tells you loudly how creative you are for writing poems, how nice you are despite appearing a little scary and how you aren't a disappointment but a huge source of joy.

Tanjiro will ask for you to share some of your deeper poems with him so that he can really understand how you feel and how he could make you feel better, but if you don't want to share then that's okay also because he is still there for you.

Tanjiro won't give you a chance to try and distance yourself from him, his sister, or friends.

He likes you so much that he will declare that he loves you and he wants to take away your sorrow and replace sad memories with happy ones with him, Nezuko, and even Zenitsu and Inosuke in your life.

[southernisled]

task 003; absence. Hans misses the only person who's ever loved & cared for him, his mother Sanne.

It was never a secret in the Westergaard family that Hans was regarded as the runt of his father's litter. The isolation his Mother endured as the youngest wife, the bullying he put up with as the weakest son, both of them being tossed to the bottom of the pile like trash. Sanne could have cut her losses and ran, she could have divorced and left him in that wicked, cruel palace with his awful father and barbaric brothers. But Sanne was kind, and loving and strong in ways no man could ever begin to comprehend, she stayed for love. She stayed for her son & lived with the consequences of it.

Dear Maman,

There's so much I want to tell you I don't even know where to start so lets begin with the obvious. I love you, and I miss you every single day. There is not an hour that passes that I don't think of you alone with those monsters. There is not a moment where I don't wish eternal misery to my godforsaken halfwit brothers and living corpse of a Father. I worry for you and your safety. I worry about what will happen when Niels finally takes over, where you will end up or what pathetic housing and allowance he will give you. Most of all I worry he would be evil enough to make you his wife, not that you would accept of course. I hope to be home by the time Father passes. I hope its my blade that pierces through his heart, and Niels, and anyone else who would dare get in our way. I hope to make the palace run red with their blood for the live they gave you, gave us. Have a glorious throne made of their bones fashioned for you as Queen Mother. I hope to return with alliances and armies that would grant us protection from anyone who would try challenge my claim. I have not forgotten my role in all of this. I have not forgotten about you and the life you have lived for me, to protect me. I do not take your love for granted and I swear to you, on my own life, that I will get us what is rightfully ours. I will repay you, I will avenge you for what it cost to be his wife. I will come home and I will tear down his empire brick by brick with bare hands and we will build a new Kingdom, and it shall have a new Queen.

Perhaps that last line was misleading, because Mother I have the most incredible news. Delight that will shock you and fill your bleeding heart with joy; I am going to be a Father. You will be a Grandmother, and I know it is not what either of us expected when I came to Evermore but I know how happy you will be to hear of it. Even better is that for the first time there will be a baby girl. This torture, toxicity, awfully cruel, hierarchy ends with her. There will be no one to challenge her claim or question her lineage, because even though I haven't met her yet; just like I would do it for you, I would kill anyone who dared try hurt her in anyway. Her Mother is called Aurora, like the borealis, is beautiful. She is soft, kind and deserving of everything wonderful. But I will be the first to admit I haven't been kind to her as of late. I was so worried I would end up like him. I didn't want a boy, I didn't want to be a Father knowing what Niels and Father would do if they found out. But I have decided it no longer matters because they will never meet either of my girls, at least not outside of a casket.

We are still a long way away from the due date, and everyday brings a more heightened level of anxiety but yet a clearer train of thought. Aurora has land, connections, parents who hold real power. Our daughter will grow up to lead two Kingdoms, and with Aurora's help we can change the course of the Westergaard name and turn it into something good. I know what I have to do. I know how I must make this world different for my Mother, my Daughter and my--- well I don't really have a name for Aurora to be honest. I considered proposing but it seemed tacky. Independent women and all that. My baby will bring opportunities you and I have been waiting years for. She will bring us alliances and land, power and connections. My baby will be the key to the happy ending you and I have been yearning for all these years. I know what I have to do and I will kill anyone who gets in our way.

I wish you were here. I wish I didn't have to do this alone, but I understand why. Please just hold on a little longer. I will bring you the peace we are deserved, the crown you are owed. I will bring you your Granddaughter, Queen of two Countries. I promise you, Maman, things are going to change and we will make them suffer.

All my love,

Your dutiful son, Hans.

[thelost-in-time]

"Happy birthday!" Fern said with a wide smile, placing a huge chocolate cake in front of Lost and Ace.

"Here's a little something for you, I know you enjoy it," she adds with a smile.

"Klee helped make it too! I got to put the decorations on!" The little girl shouts excitedly, jumping up and down. Lost inspects the decorations: Several red and blue candles, chocolate letters spelling "Happi birtday Lost and Ace" and A LOT of sprinkles.

"It's beautiful," Lost says, ruffling the little girl's hair. Ace gives her a questioning look, but quickly puts on a smile after receiving an elbow in the ribs from his sister.

"Yes, it looks great," he says, sounding almost convincing. Well, it's convincing enough for Klee, anyway, because she gives both of them a hug before scurrying off to play somewhere.

Next, a familiar figure steps forward.

"It's not cake, but I hope you'll appreciate this as well," Xiao says, handing Lost a bouquet of qingxin flowers. The smell reminds her of the beautiful mountains of Liyue and many nights spent at the top of Wangshu Inn, looking at the stars while safely nestled in Xiao's arms.

"Of course I appreciate them. They're beautiful, Xiao. Thank you," Lost says with a wide smile.

Xiao leans in for a kiss on the cheek. "I'm glad you like them. They're just as beautiful as you."

After Xiao comes a taller man, his blond hair slightly messy. "A happy birthday from me too," Gepard says. Only now Lost notices he's carrying something. He sets two mugs down in front of the siblings, and the sweet smell of chocolate immediately reaches their noses.

"I made hot chocolate for you. It's a special recipe from my family... Serval and Lynx helped but it together. They couldn't make it today, but they both wish you a wonderful day. Also..." He goes a little red now, straightening his back.

"I got a special task from Serval."

Gepard clears his throat and begins singing Happy Birthday. He's clearly nervous by the slight shaking in his voice, but it doesn't sound too bad.

Once he's done, Lost claps enthusiastically, Ace joining in after a moment as well.

Somehow the clapping seems to make Gepard only more nervous.

Lastly, Fern approaches them again with a smile. "I hope you liked your presents from everyone, and maybe they could bring a little joy to this day. Here's a little something from me, as well."

She hands Lost an envelope. Inside of it is a small card.

~💛

FERN, I'M GONNA CRY /pos

This is so sweet, thank you so much, it means the world to me 🥹🫶

I hope we'll always be friends too, because you make life worth living, and I'm so, so glad to have met you.

You've definitely helped make this day special, and I honestly would have never gotten this far if I didn't have you or your support.

You're one of the most important people in my life, and I'm really glad to have met you. Here's to hoping we have plenty of more happy memories together, and a long time of friendship too.

Ily sm /p and I truly am thankful for you being here. You're not only an amazing person, but you're also a really good friend too, one that I know I can always rely on.

So thank you for being my friend, and thank you for all that you've done for me so far too, I shall also always be here for you if you ever need someone to rely on too, and any problems we may face, we can get through this together, because I wouldn't have anyone else by my side other than the greatest friend I've ever had.

Thank you, ily /p 💛

[spacesquidlings]

Tonic For The Heart

Description: Gavin's eyes are sharp, especially when it comes to his beloved partner. He's noticed how she's slipped away, sadness and fatigue enveloping her like a shroud. So he suggests going out, to find ways to make her smile, to coax happiness into her heart once more.

Pairing: Gavin Bai x Female OC (Rowan)

Warnings: Mild sexual content (at the end), suggestive content, mentions of depression/a depressive episode, mentions of anxiety, mentions of OCD

Notes: Hello!!! This is a bit of a personal, self indulgent piece I wrote while I wasn't feeling particularly well mentally. Thinking about the ways Gav would help and be supportive have certainly helped when I've been at my lows, mentally and emotionally, and writing this through was quite cathartic for me. I like to think he'd be supportive and sweet (and like mildly horny but when isn't he). Anyways, I hope this brightens your day, because Gavin would most certainly love you and help however he could no matter what.

********************************************

Hands appeared on either side of Rowan, gently drawing her phone from her hands.

“Maybe that’s not such a good idea,” Gavin murmured, turning her phone off and hiding it from view.

Huffing, Rowan crossed her arms, glaring at the floor. “Give me my phone back, Gavin.”

He tsked, arms wrapping around her once again to hold her closer. “No. I know what you’re doing and it will only make things worse.”

She glared harder, wishing she could shrivel up and disappear. Gavin might have had a point, but that didn’t mean she was happy about it.

She’d been trying to make a few final pulls in one of her favourite gacha games, thinking maybe if she got the unit she wanted she would feel a little better.

She should have known better, known that it wasn’t going to make her feel better. But the draw of something shiny and new made her think it could at least offer a scrap of joy in the seemingly depthless fatigue and despair she felt like she was drowning in.

“You don’t know that,” she grumbled, wiggling away from Gavin’s arms and flopping onto her side on the bed.

She’d had a panic attack a few days ago, the first in a while. It had been brought on by family visiting, a cousin thinking they were joking around as they trampled over her carefully constructed boundaries. She’d had to send them away, her hands shaking and her mind screaming. Sweat had beaded on her forehead despite the chill in the air, a vestige of the waning winter.

Then had come the breathlessness, her vision swimming as she struggled to draw in breath, lungs spasming as she gasped and gasped and still nothing seemed to fill her chest. The roil of her belly, the strangled scream lodged in her throat as her hands twitched, unsure of what to do.

Her voice had eventually arrived, as had burning tears that limned the world silver, as though it were beautiful and innocent and painted in starlight.

That’s how Gavin had found her, returning home from errands, still standing in the place she had been when she’d sent her cousin away.

He’d had to coax her from the place she’d been frozen, gently taking her hands and helping her to wash them before taking over the cleanup to make their home feel safe again. He’d had to help her into the showering, murmuring gentle words and promises of safety as he’d ran his fingers through her hair, as he’d rinsed the soap from her body.

And then he had held her, for what seemed like hours, as the afternoon sun exploded as dusk burned across the sky, before the indigo blanket of night wrapped around the world and the stars winked into existence. She hadn’t been able to move, suddenly too tired to do even the small things she had hoped to do that day. To work on a personal project, to watch the new episode of a show she’d been keeping up with, to play the new game she’d just bought.

She’d been unable to do anything but sit there, tucked against Gavin’s chest, silent tears running down her cheeks as she’d stared at the wall. A sitcom she’d already watched a million times played on the television screen, the dialogue nothing more than dull murmurings against her ears.

Rowan had felt exhausted the following day, perhaps even worse than she had in the hours after the attack. Fatigue weighed her body down like lead, despite her chest feeling strangely hollow. She’d felt like a revenant, her flesh rotting, her bones in decay. No blood to be pumped through her deteriorating veins, nothing to coax her cold heart to beat. Her body trapped in the throes of rigor mortis, hardly able to be moved.

Gavin had stayed with her as long as he’d been able, even forgoing his usual morning run, but he’d had to leave for work far too soon. He’d coaxed her from bed before leaving, setting out one of her favourite dresses. It had been crumpled in the dryer, forgotten along with the load of laundry she’d been handling before her cousin had stopped by.

Seeing it had brought tears to her eyes, even as she’d drawn it over her head, mussing her already messy hair. She’d smoothed her hands over the wrinkles, leaning against Gavin as he’d pulled his jacket on, quietly pleading with him not to leave.

He’d had to go, and of course she’d known he’d had to. His job was important to him, and he always worked hard. She couldn’t have ask him to shirk his responsibilities, had already been ashamed that he’d wasted his afternoon and evening off coddling her like a fussy toddler.

But Gavin had still called her when he’d had the moments to spare, and he’d returned home that night with her favourite takeout and a bouquet of fresh peonies that filled the house with the smell of spring.

She’d been so thankful, so grateful for his kindness, his gentle hands as he’d cradled her against his chest again, rubbing her back as he’d told her about his day. But still she’d felt hollow, as though there were a hole where her heart ought to have been, and all his warmth and love seemed to spill through, leaving her just as cold and empty as she’d been that morning.

Listening to Gavin had made her feel even more ashamed, even days later the feeling gripping her heart, crumpling it like paper. Because she’d accomplished nothing when he’d been at work. She’d managed to do the dishes, wipe down the kitchen from their breakfast. But she’d had work she’d wanted to do, projects she’d wanted to put time into.

She’d hardly even had the energy to warm up leftovers for her lunch, and when Gavin had returned home with his bouquet of flowers and her favourite food she’d just been staring at her computer screen, hands trembling above the keyboard, unable to do even the simplest of tasks.

It got better, but it also did not. Her fatigue clinging to her, blurring her mind and slowing her thoughts until she felt as though she were dragging herself through mud. She could do regular chores around the house, but she could not seem to bring herself to do the things she usually loved. She could not work on her projects, she could not focus her attention on any new shows, she could not play any games, even though some part of herself that still lived screamed to do something, to do anything.

Rowan wondered if she would ever be able to shrug off this feeling that swathed her. If she would ever escape the feeling of being empty, of being alive but feeling dead.

She’d plucked her phone from her side table by the bed with the intention of forcing herself to play something, do something. Maybe if she bulldozed her way through something she enjoyed she would feel better. Maybe it would be cathartic. Maybe she would feel warmth spilling into her chest, healing the hole where her heart had been.

And then she’d logged into one of her few mobile games, eyes landing on a new gacha event, promising a shiny new unit that she very much wanted.

This had happened before, and she was certain she needed to speak to a professional about it, but she’d convinced herself that maybe if she got that new unit she would feel better. Not wholly healed, but better enough to play a game, and then afterwards better enough to work on her stagnating projects. That somehow it would have a ripple effect and by the end of the day she would feel better if she just managed to win that unit.

Historically that had not really been the case, and with the randomness of the system it was more likely that she would lose and her last fraying thread of hope would snap and everything would feel so much worse.

Logically, Rowan knew it was good that Gavin had caught her quickly, and yet still she found herself infinitely annoyed with his meddling.

She rolled onto her stomach, pressing her face against her pillow. “Just leave me to rot, then.”

A snort, followed by a sigh as the bed shifted by Gavin’s movements. She felt his hands at her side, gently rolling her onto her side. “I could never do that.”

Rowan huffed, flicking her eyes away, towards the wall behind him so she didn’t have to look at the amber of his eyes, gold with the light of the morning sun spilling across his face. Concern wrinkled his brow and twisted his mouth, and his touch was gentle as he brushed her hair back from her cheek.

How horrible she was, how ashamed he must be. To have a wife who could not shake something off even days after the event.

“Still not feeling good?” He asked, his voice soft as he rested his hand on her hip.

“No,” she muttered, staring straight ahead, avoiding his gaze.

“Rowan, why won’t you look at me?”

Her bottom lip quivered, but she resolutely looked ahead. “It’s been days, Gavin. This is shameful behaviour. You must be so embarrassed by how I’m acting.”

“I’m not embarrassed,” he said, his voice hitching. “Why would you think that?”

“Because I’m being ridiculous. I’m being stupid. It’s been days and I still feel like shit.”

He sighed, cupping her cheek. “You’re not being ridiculous. I know your head works a little differently from mine, but that doesn’t mean you’re being ridiculous. Maybe we just need to try something new.”

She wrinkled her nose. “I don’t want to try something new. I shouldn’t have to try something new. I should be able to just feel better. This doesn’t bother people the way it does me, and not for nearly as long as this.”

She rolled over quickly, facing the wall, unable to look away from Gavin a moment longer unless she was facing away from him. She couldn’t bear to look into his eyes, to face him. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she be normal.

“I miss your face,” he cooed, sounding upset even as his arm wrapped around her waist, his breath brushing against the back of her neck. “Why did you turn away?”

“So I don’t have to look at you. So you don’t have to look at your stupid wife.”

“Rowan,” his tone was less soft now, the gentleness giving way to something unyielding. The stone of a mountain beneath the soft grass and wildflowers of the meadow that blanketed it.

“You’re not stupid,” he continued, turning her back around, his expression somber. “You’re not stupid, and I don’t think you’re stupid. And I’m not ashamed of you. I just want to help.”

His gaze wavered and he sighed, leaning his brow against hers. “Just let me help you.”

An ache spiderwebbed from her chest, reaching through her body, cracking against her bones, releasing her marrow to pool in her veins.

“I don’t know what can help,” she said, her words soft as breath. “Nothing seems to help.”

He ran his hand over her back, massaging gently. “Well then why don’t we try something new?”

“Like what?” She couldn’t help snapping, feeling surly.

There was something about asking for help that always grated against her, about doing something differently than how she did. Like there was something wrong with her, like she couldn’t handle things on her own. Like she were a toddler, and needed her hands held to get through the simplest of tasks.

Of course, maybe there was something wrong with her.

It still grated, still made her want to shrivel up and vanish from the world.

Gavin clicked his tongue, pinching her cheek. “Don’t say no yet, you don’t know what I’m going to suggest.”

Rowan frowned, batting away his hand. “I think I liked it better when you were shy about touching me.”

He snorted. “Like when we first started dating?”

“You wouldn’t have pinched my cheek then.”

Gavin laughed, his hand trailing around the waistband of her sleep shorts, fingers slipping past it. “There’s a lot I wouldn’t have done then.”

She sucked in a breath, hands balling in the material of his shirt as he dipped his fingers lower. “Gavin.”

“But now I can show you all the ways I love you,” he drawled, mischief in his eyes.

Rowan flattened her hands against his chest, shoving him back. “Gavin, not now.”

He retracted his hand, although his grin remained. “I think I like it more now. I feel happy touching you.”

“Horny jerk,” she muttered, pushing him further away as he laughed.

“Okay, okay,” he conceded, holding his hands up, palms out. “I’m done teasing. But I do want you to hear me out.”

Pulling her arms back, Rowan sighed. “Fine. What were you thinking?”

His smile softened. “I think we should go out today.”

She was already shaking her head, her stomach dropping. The last thing she wanted to do was go out while she still felt so poor. “Oh Gavin, I don’t know. I don’t want to go out and-”

“For me?” He asked, cutting her off. “At least try, pumpkin. It can’t hurt.”

Face burning, Rowan looked away. “Okay, I guess.”

He beamed, closing the distance between them to press a kiss to her brow. “Great. Then let’s get up.”

“You haven’t told me where,” she said, frowning as Gavin sat up.

His only response was to kiss her cheek. “It’s a surprise. You’ll have to get up to find out.”

Steeling herself, Rowan yielded, letting Gavin draw her from bed before he straightened the sheets, telling her to get dressed. She supposed for him, at least, she would try, and see what he had planned for the day.

***

Rowan hadn’t known what to expect, although finding herself on a bench next to a paved path that ran alongside the local lake had not been it.

“Gavin, what are we doing?” She asked, watching curiously as he laced up the pastel pink and blue roller-skates he’d helped her put on. Another pair was propped against the leg of the bench waiting for Gavin.

He grinned. “Remember when you mentioned that you thought we should take more walks together?”

She frowned. “Yeah?”

“And remember when you were looking at those roller skates online?”

She arched a brow, peeking down at the skates he was nearly done lacing up, the pair she had been pining after for weeks now. “I do.”

“Well why not both?” He asked, smiling wider as he finished up with her skates, moving to sit next to her.

“Gavin I haven’t exactly roller-skated before, I’m not going to be the best,” she said, feeling awkward as her feet slipped out from under her and having to drag them back.

“That’s okay,” he murmured, bumping his nose against hers, his lips only just grazing hers. “I’ll be here with you, we’ll do it together.”

She sighed as he pulled away, crossing her arms over her knees as he pried off his shoes and tucked them into the backpack he’d brought along. “I can’t believe you remembered.”

“Of course I remembered,” he said, arching a brow as he shot her an incredulous look. “I try to remember everything I can about you.”

Her face flamed and she looked down, watching his deft fingers as they began lacing up his own skates.

“And it wasn’t exactly hard to figure out about the skates,” he teased, drawing her attention back to his face. “You left the tab open on your computer for weeks.”

She balked. “You broke into my computer?”

He shrugged, finishing up with his skates. “I just checked out the website when you forgot to close your laptop when you went to the bathroom.”

“Gavin,” she scolded.

Another shrug as he stood. “I wanted it to be a surprise, I couldn’t just ask you.”

Rowan frowned at his offered hand, stewing over the fact that he’d snooped on her computer when she wasn’t there. “That’s not a habit of yours, is it?”

He didn’t respond, although his mischievous smile suggested that occasionally it was.

“Come on, pumpkin,” he said, reaching his offered hand closer. “It’s warm today, it will be perfect to try out the skates.”

“Alright,” Rowan said, taking his hand, letting him draw her to her feet. She felt hesitant, even as he gently pulled her down the path, the bag he’d brought with their shoes slung over his shoulder.

“It’s alright, I promise,” he said, keeping hold of her hand as she stumbled behind him. “I’m right here.”

Her legs shook as she tried to follow beside him, her stomach lurching when the trail dipped and she started picking up speed. “Gavin, how do I make it stop?”

He only squeezed her hand, explaining how to turn her feet to the side to slow her descent. Heart in her throat, clutching Gavin’s hand so tightly she was sure she was cutting off circulation, she did her best to follow his instructions. Relief flooded through her as she began to slow, and she slumped against Gavin’s side when they came to a stop.

“See?” He said, his words warm as they threaded with the wind. He ran a hand over her hair, smoothing back her bangs. “That wasn’t so bad, right?”

She nodded, even as she continued to clutch his side, legs shaking like they were made of jelly.

“Why don’t we keep going?” He suggested, stroking her cheek with the back of his hand. “You’ll feel more confident once you’ve tried them for a bit.”

“Gavin, I’m terrified I’ll fall over,” she whined, squeezing her eyes shut. “And this isn’t making me feel any better.”

“It’s only been a few minutes,” he murmured, brushing her hair back. “Some things take time, and you’ve only just started.”

She wanted to protest more, wanted to curl up in a ball and draw a soft blanket over her body and melt away. The sun felt as though it were piercing her eyes, the pollen in the air stuffing her nose. She was already sweating, from anxiety more than any real physical exertion, and her stomach was in knots as small groups of people and couples passed them by. A few teenagers shot them a few weird looks, and a woman walking her dog snorted as Rowan stumbled forward.

“You wanted to learn to skate anyways, didn’t you?” Gavin asked, taking her face in his hands and tilting her head up, so she couldn’t see anything but him, but the glittering gold of his eyes. They were so reminiscent of starlight she imagined she was floating in the middle of the unending darkness of space, a trail of stardust and light guiding her way towards something wonderful, towards the warmth of the stars that loved her.

“I did,” she said. “But Gavin, I-”

“No buts, okay?” He asked, smiling even as his brow creased. “Let’s try for a little while longer. And if you like it then we can come here more often.”

“Okay,” she grumbled, pulling away from his side.

“Don’t pout,” he said, ducking his head as his eyes fell to her mouth, running the pad of his thumb over her bottom lip. “Or else I’ll have to do something about it.”

“Like what?” She asked, raising her brows. “Are you going to arrest me, officer?”

“That’s not a bad idea,” he mused. “I could handcuff you.”

She laughed, a scrap of mirth bursting in her chest like embers of a flame. “Handcuff me to what?”

Humming, Gavin leaned closer, his nose bumping with hers, a languid, wicked smile arcing across his lips. “Would you like to find out?”

The tightness in her belly and the trembling in her legs weren’t brought on by anxiety now, and although Gavin had been teasing her, Rowan couldn’t help but feel a little thankful. His taunts were distracting her from the icy anxiety that had her stomach roiling and the leaden feeling she had been carrying deep in her bones for days now.

“I’d say you’ll have to catch me first, but I don’t think I’m going to get very far,” she admitted.

“Well maybe you just need a little practice.”

She smiled again, those flickering embers beginning to catch on the tinder in her heart. At the very least she could try.

***

Although Rowan had agreed to try roller-skating for the day, she hadn’t expected Gavin to take such advantage of the opportunity. They skated for what felt like years, although surely couldn’t have been more than a few hours.

He worked out every day, and seemed to be an expert in every sport and outdoor activity, including skating. He glided effortlessly down the path, not even breaking a sweat as he skated.

Rowan, on the other hand, felt exhausted after twenty minutes, her legs shaking from exertion and sweat pouring down her back. She kept tripping over seemingly nothing, shrieking whenever the path started going downhill until she’d managed to completely stop. Her hand was like a claw in Gavin’s, clutching it so tight her knuckles had long since turned white.

But despite that, Gavin persisted, coaxing her forward down the path, the lake glistening like it was made up of precious gems beneath the afternoon sun.

She knew her legs were going to ache the next day, having never roller-skated for so long before, having never roller-skated at all before now. But she reached a point in the day where she no longer cared, lungs heaving as she tried keeping up with Gavin, wiping sweat from her brow.

He paused a few times, directing them to benches that looked out over the lake. He offered her water and snacks that he’d stowed away in the bag slung over his shoulders, but after a few minutes he would stand, dragging her with him. Giving her enough time to rest, but not enough to think too much about anything other than getting to sit for a few minutes and have something to drink.

Although she did start desperately craving curry of all things, and a sweet drink. Maybe a mixed cocktail, something with a fruity flavour and a sugary base.

“Gavin,” she said, breaking the comfortable quiet that had draped over them as they sat, staring out at the lake.

He raised a brow, watching her from the corner of his eye as he took a long drink from his water bottle. His throat bobbed, a trickle of water slipping from the lip of the bottle and slipping down his throat.

It snagged her attention, her train of thought derailing and crashing in a burst of flames as she took in his appearance. The sweat that beaded on his brow, the way the sun gilded his hair, the way it set his eyes alight like they were made of sunfire.

He swallowed again, throat bobbing, and Rowan’s stomach twisted, an ache blooming between her legs that had nothing to do with how long they’d been skating.

Gavin’s brow arched higher and he lowered the water bottle, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. The movement summoned a memory in Rowan’s mind, of Gavin kneeling between her legs, wiping his mouth as he grinned, his eyes so dark they seemed to smolder like fiery embers.

“Rowan?” His voice yanked her back to the present, his hand cupping her cheek as his eyes searched hers, concern staining his tone. “Is something wrong? Your face is red.”

She pulled back, shaking her head furiously, trying to dispel the heady memory. “No, sorry. I’m alright. I was just lost in thought for a second there.”

The corners of his eyes crinkled as he gave her a bemused smile. “You’re sure.”

“Very sure,” she answered, hastily grabbing her own water bottle and taking a long sip.

He tipped his head to the side, still looking bemused, but the light in his eyes turning mischievous.

“Did you want to ask me something?” He asked.

Rowan nodded as she clutched the water bottle between her hands, willing all the desire in her body to go away. She would never hear the end of it if he found out he’d turned her on by accident. She also would never get a chance to have that curry and sweet drink today, maybe tomorrow too, knowing Gavin.

“I wanted to ask if you wanted to go out to get dinner,” she said, picking at a thread on her sleeve. “I know we had takeout a few days ago, but…” She trailed off, not sure what else to say.

“Of course we can,” he said, his smile gentler now. “What were you thinking?”

“I kind of really wanted curry,” she said. “And a cocktail. Or maybe two.”

Brow arched, Gavin chuckled. He reached out to cup her face, ducking his head to brush his lips against hers. “We can do whatever you want.”

“Really?” She asked, her voice squeaking as the kiss reignited the ache in her core she had hoped to stifle.

“Really,” he said, lips trailing from the corner of her lips down her throat. “As long as it will make you happy.”

She giggled, thoughts growing hazy as he nipped at the corner of her jaw. “Gavin, we’re in public.”

“And?”

She pinched his side, earning nothing but a heady chuckle and his teeth against her throat.

“Gavin,” she chastised. Although her heart wasn’t entirely in it, her mind slipping away as she imagined all the things she wanted him to do to her.

But she was craving that food so much right now. Surely he could wait a few hours. Surely they both could.

“Gavin please,” she said, a little more firmly this time.

He paused, looking up at her from beneath the fringe of his bangs. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” she promised, running her fingers through his hair. “I just kind of really want to get some food before anything else.”

His eyes closed for a moment as he pulled away. He took a steadying breath, his smile soft as he opened his eyes. “Of course. Then we should probably start heading back.”

He stood first, offering her his hand. And this time Rowan didn’t hesitate, letting him draw her back down along the lake.

***

They were both sweaty by the time they arrived back at home, and changed quickly into fresh clothes before heading back out. Rowan’s legs were already beginning to ache, and she knew she was going to be sore when she woke up the next day. But she was certain she wouldn’t mind too much. Maybe Gavin would take her skating again soon, until her body was used to the movements and no longer ached afterwards.

Hands intertwined, they wandered through the city, electing to walk rather than drive.

“It’s good to walk around sometimes,” Gavin had said, although when Rowan had countered that they’d just been on their feet all afternoon he’d only chuckled. Promised that all the extra exercise and movement would make her feel better.

Whether that was true or not was yet to be seen, but she was certain that despite the early desire that had kindled in her veins, it was very unlikely anything would be happening tonight. She could already feel fatigue creeping in at the edges of her consciousness, the kind of full body fatigue that only came from way more physical exertion than she was used to.

She wasn’t sure if Gavin’s efforts would truly help to soothe her heart, but she did know that she would sleep very, very well that night.

She slumped against him as they finally arrived at the restaurant, eyes falling closed as they waited for the hostess to take down their information and put them on the waiting list.

“Hey,” Gavin murmured, brushing his knuckles across her cheek as they sat in the low chairs lining the walls of the entrance as they waited for a table to open up.

Rowan groaned, readjusting as she tried to snuggle against his side.

“Don’t fall asleep yet,” he cooed, pressing his lips to her brow. “We haven’t even eaten anything yet.”

“I feel sleepy,” she muttered, cracking her eyes open to peek up at him.

“It’s all that sunshine and exercise,” he teased, trailing his lips along the curve of her jaw. “You need to get out more.”

“I go out,” she argued, which she only realized was a weak rejoinder once it had left her lips. Gavin straightened, his grin impish as he caught her eye.

“You should go out more,” he said, snorting as she rolled her eyes. “I’m serious. Maybe it will help.”

“I don’t know if there’s anything that can help me,” she grumbled, crossing her arms as she slumped in her seat. “I might just be broken.”

“You’re not broken,” he said, reaching for her hand, prying it away from where she’d tucked it beneath her arm. “But maybe starting some new habits will help so you don’t feel so bad when this happens again.”

She nodded, muttering out a quiet “I guess” like a morose child.

“You could come out with me on my run tomorrow,” Gavin suggested, massaging her hand. “That would be a good place to start.”

“I don’t think I’m going to be waking up before noon after today,” she said, sighing. “I already feel exhausted.”

“Something in the evening then,” he said, reaching for her other hand. “We can go to my gym. Or there’s a new pool that opened that we could try. It’s pretty quiet in the evenings.”

“Do we have to do something tomorrow?” She whined, twisting in her seat to face him, trying to summon her most pitiful puppy dog eyes and pout to sway him. “I’ll be so tired, babey.”

But Gavin did not cave, instead snorting as he released her hand. “It’s good to start better habits as soon as you can. And besides, we can do it together. It will be fun.”

Rowan groaned, staring up at the ceiling. Working out at all sounded like the exact opposite of fun.

Maybe if she didn’t bring it up again he would forget. And they could watch a movie or play a game tomorrow evening instead.

The sound of rustling at her side drew Rowan’s attention back to Gavin as he pulled his phone from his pocket.

“What are you doing?” She asked, peeking over his shoulder, momentarily forgetting her earlier chagrin.

“Putting it in my calendar for tomorrow so I don’t forget,” he said, arching a brow as his eyes caught hers. “So neither of us forgets.”

Rowan wrinkled her nose, frowning at the implication that Gavin had already guessed she’d hoped he would forget about working out tomorrow evening.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he pouted. He tucked his phone away, reaching for her face again. “I love your smile.”

“I don’t want to smile, you’re trying to torture me.”

Warm laughter rang through the room, filling the air with light, as though she were being swept up towards the sun.

“It’s not torture,” Gavin insisted, stroking her cheek as he continued to laugh. “I promise. I really think it could help.”

But before Rowan could argue any further, the hostess called their name, beckoning them over to follow her into the restaurant.

Gavin was grinning far too widely for her liking as he took her hand, drawing her from her seat and following behind the hostess.

“If I’m honest, I have a selfish reason for wanting you to come out with me tomorrow evening too,” he whispered, leaning close so his lips brushed against the shell of her ear.

Although Gavin hadn’t said anything particularly improper, still Rowan felt her face burning. He was so close, his breath sending shivers down her spine. His words tangled in her mind, his voice twining around her ribs and looping through her veins and nerves, like a languid summer wind rattling leaves and branches as it passed by.

“What do you mean?” She asked, voice quivering, her legs wobbling like jelly.

He hummed, the sound warming her veins, liquid heat pooling in her core. She wasn’t expecting the scrape of his teeth, gasping as she felt them against her ear.

“You’ll have to wait and see,” was his final response before he peeled away, moving to pull out a chair for her to sit.

Rowan didn’t know how she made it the final few steps to the table, falling back into her chair before Gavin moved to take his seat. The hostess was chattering about something, but Rowan didn’t catch it. Her words sounded like they were coming from underwater, garbled and slurred and strange.

All she did know was that her face was burning and her legs were shaking and she wasn’t sure if it was from fatigue or Gavin’s teasing. Maybe both.

She drained the water set at the table before the server arrived, wishing it would clear her mind and settle her racing thoughts. At the very least she could feel her face beginning to cool, and she heaved a sigh of relief as she set her glass to the side.

“Dehydrated?” Gavin asked, peeking at her over the menu as he flipped through it. “Did I not bring enough water?”

She huffed, refusing to make eye contact. “Something like that.”

He hummed, propping his chin in hand, smirking. “Or are you maybe craving something else?”

She kicked him, but even as he winced Gavin laughed, reaching across the table for her hand.

“I love you,” he said, leaning forward to press a kiss to her knuckles before releasing her hand. “I love you so much.”

Rowan felt baffled as he leaned back, lifting his menu to once again peruse the options. He was telling her he loved her now? After she’d kicked him?

“Gavin, are you feeling okay?” She asked. “Did you get too much sun?”

He blinked, seeming just as baffled as she’d been. “No. Why?”

“I think you might be delusional,” she said, leaning forward to press the back of her hand against his brow. “Maybe you have a fever?”

“I don’t have a fever,” he said, gently batting her hand away. “What’s this about?”

Rowan sank back into her seat, pouting. “Well you said that you loved me.”

“I do love you.”

“After I kicked you.”

A pause, his bemused smile growing wider, brighter as understanding flashed in the amber of his eyes.

“I love you always,” he said, far too smoothly. It made her belly twist, made the heat in her core burn as though her bones were kindling for a wildfire. “Even when you kick me.”

She chewed on her bottom lip, looking away. She struggled to keep the flush she could feel creeping across her body in check. She also struggled against the urge to kick Gavin again.

Rowan was starting to think going out today was more for him than her.

“You’re paying for dinner,” she grumbled, snatching up her menu and opening it with a flick. “And I’m ordering a mai tai.”

“As you wish,” he said, voice warming around the edges, like sun-warmed honey.

“And I want crab rangoons for an appetizer,” she muttered, feeling particularly surly after being teased.

“We can get whatever you want, pumpkin,” he promised. “Do you want to order some things to share?”

Rowan hesitated. Part of her rebelled against acting anything but a petulant child, still annoyed that he’d teased her. That he always managed to surreptitiously tease her in public, leaving her on the edge of becoming a mess and unable to do a thing about it.

But she also did want to share some plates, wanted to spear food right off of Gavin’s plate when he wasn’t looking. Whatever he ordered always ended up tasting better anyways.

“We can get some noodles,” he suggested, leaning forward again, brows raised. She knew he was trying to make peace for teasing her earlier. “And a few different curries if you want.”

“And crab rangoons?”

“Of course.”

Rowan snapped her menu shut again, already knowing exactly what she wanted. She smiled, feeling a little lighter than she had that morning when she had felt like a corpse walking. “Okay, I think we should do that.”

“Perfect timing,” Gavin beamed. “I think that’s our server now.”

“Don’t forget my mai tai,” she added, pointing to the small menu of drink specials propped up in the middle of the table.

He took her hand again, squeezing gently. “I could never forget anything about you.”

She rolled her eyes, but her heart softened all the same. Even if he was talking about her drink order.

***

Dinner was delicious, and for a few brief moments Rowan forgot everything but how content she felt as she clutched the bag of their leftovers in one hand and Gavin’s arm in her other.

She might have had more than one cocktail. Maybe two. Maybe three. Blessedly, Gavin said nothing. He’d only smiled, helping to pack away their leftovers and tuck them into the bag they were given before paying the bill.

She leaned against him, her head empty but for a dawn-coloured haze and the smell of his cologne.

“You smell nice,” she mumbled, dropping her head so it fell against his shoulder. “You should wear this more often.”

“Anything for you, love,” he said, laughing when she brushed her lips against his throat.

“Why are you always so kind,” she muttered, peeling away. “I haven’t exactly been a ray of sunshine lately. Why are you doing all of this?”

His brow creased, the light of the streetlights flaring to life catching in his eyes, turning them gold. They were like stars, guiding lights that kept her safe. His smile was small, almost amused at her question.

“Because I love you,” he said, squeezing her hand so tight it nearly hurt. Like he didn’t want to let her go, like he was scared of what would happen if he let her go, if she slipped from his grasp.

“I love you, and I want to protect you,” he said, drawing her to the side, so he could hold her gaze. “I want to take care of you. I would never hold your feelings against you.”

She wanted to protest, opening her mouth to argue. She was being surly, selfish, lazy. She wasn’t doing anything, she was morose. She was a rainstorm stretching darkness across the sky, plunging the world into a chilled, damp misery.

Gavin’s gaze hardened, if only for a moment. His mouth pressed into a thin line, and he reached up to cup her cheek, pressing the pad of his thumb against her lips.

“No arguing,” he said. His tone was firm, although there was still some of that kindness.

She considered licking his finger to see what would happen, but decided against it. She was sure Gavin would only use it to his advantage somehow.

“All I want to do is take care of you, and help you feel better,” he said. “I love you regardless of how you’re feeling. Whether you’re struggling or not. I’m here for you. Always.”

Rowan’s eyes burned, all thoughts of licking his thumb to tease him gone. The world was blurring at the edges, painted in messy strokes of quicksilver as he spoke. Her heart ached, ribs fracturing against the pressure of it as his words slipped through her veins, pumped through her with every erratic beat of her heart.

“And when you have these attacks, I want you to lean on me. Let me take care of you until you feel better again.”

Rowan sniffled, her bottom lip wobbling. She didn’t have any words, her throat closing up in anticipation of sobs building in her chest.

“Don’t cry,” Gavin cooed, his hand sliding away from her lips, his thumb stroking her cheek. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

Her lip continued wobbling, and she closed her eyes as the world was drowned in silver, blurring so she couldn’t make out anything but the gold of his eyes.

“It’s hard not to,” she cried. “You can’t just say sweet things like that.”

“But I want to,” he murmured, leaning close until their brows bumped together. “I want to tell you sweet things every day.”

“Then you’ll have to put up with me crying.”

“Are they at least happy tears?”

She sniffled, offering him a wobbly smile. “Maybe.”

A huff of laughter ghosted against her lips. “Then I’ll just wipe your tears away until you can smile.”

She cracked her eyes open, catching the light in his own. “I’m smiling right now, aren’t I?”

He chuckled, catching her off-guard as he pressed his lips to hers, tongue swiping over her bottom lip as she gasped.

“I love your smile,” he murmured, breaking away, beaming as though they weren’t pressed up together at the edge of an alley at dusk. “I’ll make sure you can always smile.”

“You’ll have your work cut out for you,” she said, smiling wryly.

“I’d do anything for you,” he breathed, offering one last, painfully chaste kiss to her lips before stepping back. “Although we should probably head home before it gets too late.”

She giggled, wiping the corners of her eyes. “I do feel like I’m in desperate need of a shower.”

“I can help with that.”

Rolling her eyes, Rowan shook her head. “I don’t think much showering would get done then.”

He pouted, taking her hand as they began walking down the street once more. “I would make sure you get clean…” he trailed off, as though he were about to say more, but had thought better of it.

Rowan pressed her lips together to stifle her smile as she hummed. She was trying to sound disapproving, but it sounded more like she was considering his suggestion.

Which she might have been. Depending on how tired she was when they got home.

Gavin’s eyes alighted on something to the side and he paused, drawing Rowan to a halt beside him.

“What is it?” She asked, curious as she turned to search for what he was looking at.

A few feet from them was a neon flashing sign for an arcade. The door was open to let in the evening spring air, and sugary techno music poured onto the street, undercut by the beeps and pings of the machines and games inside.

“Do you want to go in?” She asked, tilting her head towards the arcade. “I don’t think we’ve ever been.”

He hummed. “Would that be okay with you? I think it might be fun. Maybe there’s a game we can play together.”

Rowan bobbed her head, delight bubbling in her chest. “I would love that.”

He smiled, drawing her along with him. “I’ll even let you pick the first game.”

Rowan winced as they stepped into the arcade, the music much louder now that they were inside. She felt like she had to practically shout to be heard above the music. “I’ve never been to an arcade before! I don’t know what to pick!”

“We’ll have to take a look!” Gavin said, squeezing her hand as they walked up to the front counter.

They had to purchase two little cards, loaded with credits to use on the machines rather than coins. The staff member at the front explained it to them quickly as she loaded up their cards. It was meant to replace using change and tokens, especially since many of the newer machines didn’t accept any coins at all. She also directed them to little self-serve stations around the arcade where they could load more money onto their cards if they ran out.

Wrapping his arm around her waist, Gavin drew Rowan deeper into the arcade once he had been handed the receipt for their cards. “What do you want to do first?”

She cast her gaze around, frowning as they wandered around, trying to decide on one of the many colourful, flashing machines. “I’m not sure. There’s just so many.”

“Do you want a plushie?” He asked, directing her attention to a massive claw machine next to a pacman game, neon pinks and greens and blues flashing around the pile of stuffed animals trapped within the case.

She clapped her hands together, walking up to the machine. “I do! But I’m no good at these.”

“That’s alright. I’ll win one for you,” Gavin promised, brushing a kiss against her brow. “Which one do you want?”

Rowan pointed to a fluffy teal otter grinning up at them from the side of the pile. “That one please!”

He swiped his card against the card reader on the machine, the claw jerking to the starting position as a little chime sounded from speakers embedded inside the glass case.

“This shouldn’t be too hard,” Gavin mused, taking hold of the toggle stick and moving the claw.

***

As it happened, it was hard. Rowan had to cover her mouth with both hands to stifle her laughter as Gavin struggled to move the claw. She’d lost count of how many attempts it had been now, but still Gavin persisted, intent on getting the otter.

“It’s not that big of a deal,” she said, resting her hand against his arm. She readjusted her other arm, clutching at the few plushies he had managed to snag. They just weren’t the otter. “I can live without it.”

He sighed, hanging his head. “But you wanted it.”

“I want to have fun with you more,” she said, her voice soft as she leaned against his side. “Why don’t we look at some other games?”

Gavin shot one last glare at the otter, smirking at them from the other side of the glass, before relenting. “Alright, pumpkin. What would you like to do next?”

Rowan tapped her cheek, peering around the room. “Why not a dancing game?”

Gavin paled, even as he coughed, trying to look nonchalant. “A dancing game?”

“Like dance dance revolution,” she said, dragging him across the room. She could see the flashing pad that they would need to stand on to dance, and there wasn’t anyone around the game. It was the perfect opportunity.

“Are you sure?” He asked, scratching at the back of his neck. “You know I’m not that good of a dancer.”

Rowan clambered onto the platform before the screens, pouting as Gavin continued to hesitate. “Please, babey? For me? I wanna play this one.”

His eyes closed, and he ran a hand through his hair as he sighed. His shoulders slumped in defeat before he climbed up next to her, taking the plushies from her arms and setting them on top of the machine. “Alright. Why don’t you pick the song.”

Rowan squealed, mirth in her heart and her veins as she swiped her card before scrolling through the different options. There were a lot of songs that she recognized, which made it difficult to settle on just one.

“I think we’ll have to do this one a few times,” she muttered, scanning the songs she was slowly choosing between. “I want to try all of them.”

Gavin coughed again, covering his mouth as if to hide his wince. “All of them?”

“Yes,” she insisted, crossing her arms as she stepped back, finally settling on a song. “All of them!”

“What about the other games?”

She tipped her head to the side, hoping her smile was as innocent as she was trying to make it. “Well physical activity will help make you feel better after all those losses, won’t it?”

Gavin blinked, taken aback. For a few moments he seemed to have entirely short-circuited, unable to come up with a single response. But then the light slowly returned to his eyes, and his lips slid up into a sly smile. “I’ll remember that for later.”

His smile quickly fell away once the music started up. He was hyper focused, taking the game very seriously.

And at first it worked out well. While Rowan stumbled over stepping on the right squares as they lit up, too focused on giggling at Gavin’s serious expression, he managed to hit every one of them with ease.

But then the song hit the chorus and the game picked up speed, the movements becoming more complex, and suddenly Gavin was not doing so well.

Rowan couldn’t stop laughing, even as she gasped for breath as the pace continued to pick up. Her cheeks were hurting by the time they’d cycled through all of the songs she wanted to try, sweat slipping down her back. Her legs felt like jelly, but her head felt lighter than air. Like she was made of clouds and spun sugar. Of gossamer and wind.

“That was so much fun,” she gushed, taking hold of Gavin’s arm.

He felt steadier than her, although he was wobbling a little as he scooped up the plushies from the claw machine. “I’m glad you had fun.”

“Did you?” She asked, taking the plushies from his arms. Ice water seemed to drip through her, like icicles melting in spring, puddling where there had once been warmth. Maybe she had pushed too much, and now he was unhappy after being forced to play a game he didn’t like.

But Gavin only squeezed her closer to his side, nuzzling his nose against her cheek. “Of course I did. I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”

She frowned, confused even as the chill in her veins melted away beneath the sun of his words. “What do you mean?”

“You were laughing. How could I not have fun?”

“Gavin,” she groaned, even as her face burned. “You’re such a dork.”

“And you’re so cute when you’re flustered,” he teased, dropping a kiss to her cheek before dragging her away before she could protest.

They wandered around the arcade aimlessly after that, pausing every few moments to try out another game. There was Pac-Man, Street Fighter, Donkey Kong, Space Invaders. They even tried pinball for a while, but gave up when it was clear neither of them were particularly good at it.

They were just passing by the prize counter when Rowan froze, eyes falling on the fluffy teal otter sitting on one of the shelves.

“Gavin,” she gasped, yanking on his sleeve. She pointed to the otter, its expression seeming to say ‘come win me! You need me!’ “Look!”

He blinked, narrowing his eyes as he scanned the shelf the otter sat on. “We need six thousand points to redeem it.”

“How many do we have?” Rowan asked, wrinkling her brow as she lifted her card.

Gavin headed towards one of the self-serve stations, checking the balance of points on his card. He frowned, brow creasing. “Only two thousand.”

Rowan hummed, checking the balance on hers. “Two thousand too. Could we maybe combine them?”

Gavin hummed, eyes scanning the arcade. “Wait here, I’m going to go find an employee.”

Rowan waited as he vanished from view. Without Gavin beside her she could feel the fatigue of the day creeping in. After dinner she’d had a burst of energy, a second wind to keep her going through the evening, but it was waning now. She wanted to lean against Gavin’s chest, or drink a sugary drink. Or maybe both.

Gavin reappeared as she was slumping against the wall, her eyes so heavy she could hardly keep them open.

“Where’d you go?” She asked, her voice sounding a little slurred as she reached her arms towards him.

He let her draw him close, one hand sliding up her back and massaging her neck. “I was asking how long the arcade is open until.”

She frowned, exhaustion surely muddling her thoughts so she couldn’t understand what he was saying. That and the three mai tais she’d had. “Why?”

“I’m going to get enough points to win that otter for you,” he said, beaming. “It shouldn’t take too long.”

“Gavin we’ve been here for like an hour and all we have is four thousand points between us.”

He chuckled, ruffling her hair before releasing her. “But we spent twenty of that at the claw machine, and that doesn’t offer points.”

“What games do you wanna play then?” She asked, reaching for him again. She was feeling so tired, and she just wanted to be close. Wanted to be close to him where it was warm and safe.

“I want to start with that basketball game,” he said, pointing to a game a few aisles over where a line of basketball hoops were arranged.

Rowan clapped her hands, a surge of energy flowing through her like lightning in a storm. “You’re so good at basketball, babey.”

He scratched at the back of his neck with his free hand, the tips of his ears stained red. “I’m alright.”

But still Rowan beamed, knowing that Gavin was actually amazing at it. Sometimes, when the weather was nice and he met up with a few friends and colleagues, she would tag along, watching as he played from the bleachers. He always looked so focused and serious, and yet there was always a soft light in his eyes, a happiness kept hidden under the serious set of his jaw.

Gavin swiped his card in front of one of the basketball games, a handful of miniature basketballs streaming out in front of them. Rowan watched, utterly enchanted, as he made basket after basket, swiping his card again and again as more basketballs rolled in front of him.

He won so many times in a row a small crowd gathered behind them, ooo-ing and aaaw-ing as he won again and again, the speakers built into the game playing celebratory music as he continued.

“You’re going to become a celebrity at this rate,” Rowan murmured, peeking over her shoulder at the crowd of teens and children and parents watching Gavin with mixed expressions of curiosity and awe.

Gavin paused, turning to look behind them as well, frowning. “Hm. Maybe we should try a different game.”

“We could do one of the racing ones!” She suggested, pointing to an empty game in a corner. “But I want my car to be pink.”

Chuckling, Gavin took her hand, brusquely excusing himself to the gathering as he shouldered his way through the gaggle of people still watching him as though he were an arcade god.

“You know I bet you really could become a celebrity,” she teased, squeezing his hand as she noticed a teen girl recording them with her phone. “There’s probably going to be videos of you all over the internet tomorrow.”

“I don’t care what they think,” he said, even as the blush at the tips of his ears reached down to his cheeks, staining his whole face the red of a sunset. He turned to meet her gaze, pausing next to the game she had suggested. “I only care what you think.”

Rowan grinned, cupping his face in her hands and brushing her lips to his. “Well I think we should try out this game.”

He chuckled, his smile soft as they broke apart. “As you wish, my love.”

***

Although Rowan knew Gavin could easily beat her in any of the games they tried, he always let her win a round or two. When they raced he let her win the first few races, her candy-coated car and bubblegum pink character leaving him in the dust.

It had almost been enough to trick her into forgetting that he always beat her in Mario Kart. Whether it was Moo Moo Meadows or Rainbow Road, Gavin never failed to win. But she would bask in her victories nonetheless, even if he had handed them to her.

They cycled through nearly every game in the arcade, taking a break every now and then to replay some of Rowan’s favourites. Dance Dance Revolution of course was a must, and she couldn’t stop giggling as Gavin danced next to her.

There was a VR game they wanted to try too, a rhythm game that they could play together. But the line to try the game had been way longer than they’d been willing to wait, and instead they had tried the other games in the arcade, attempting nearly all of them at least once. But as the minutes slowly ticked into hours and the hazy evening light melted into the indigo of night, the crowds slowly dispersed until it was only the two of them and a few other couples milling around.

“Do you want to try the VR one?” Rowan asked, tugging on Gavin’s arm as he checked his points again.

He looked up, blinking at the now nonexistent line for the game that had piqued their interest earlier. “What time is it?”

Rowan checked her phone, wincing at the bright flare of her screen. “It’s just after midnight.”

“We can do that one, and then maybe we’ll call it a day?”

“Do we have enough points for the otter?” She looped her arm through his as they made their way to the game, a bright melody filtering from speakers she couldn’t see surrounding the machine and the VR headsets.

“Just about.” He grinned, looking more than a little smug.

Rowan gaped, amazed. She hadn’t done nearly as well as Gavin had, and was still a thousand points short. “You’re really amazing, babey.”

He chuckled, leaning his head close. “It’s only because you’re here.”

Rowan couldn’t help giggling, fatigue and the alcohol from her mai tai blending together, making her feel lightheaded and ditzy. “What? Like a rabbit’s foot?”

“Much more precious than that.” His lips brushed against her ear, making her shiver. “Everything is perfect when you’re beside me.”

Rowan wanted to point out that things hadn’t exactly been perfect when he’d been trying his hand with the claw machine, but swallowed the words instead. Gavin’s voice was warm and sweet as honey, and it was making her feel like she was melting beneath a summer’s sun. She didn’t want him to stop, felt like she would fall into the comforting warmth of his embrace if he continued.

But Gavin pulled away, a rush of cool air spilling over her in his wake. She pouted, although it was short lived as he brushed his mouth to the corner of her lips.

“I love your smile more,” he breathed. “And if you pout more I’ll have to do something about it.”

“Like what?” She felt like pushing her luck a little, wondering how far she could get before he retaliated. Wondered how much he would retaliate in public before dragging her home to finish the job.

“Do you really want to find out?” He asked. His breath ghosted against her throat, gooseflesh rising in its wake. “Keep pouting and you will.”

She shivered again. Part of her wanted to keep her bottom lip out, wanted to see exactly what he meant. But she was quickly distracted by the flashing lights and dancing figures wielding silver swords on the screen before her, prompting them to put on the VR helmets.

Setting the helmet on her head, Rowan was met with a wave of dizziness as she seemed to be plunged into a world of bright colours and sounds that assaulted her tired mind.

There was bright, cheerful digital music playing as fuschia and azure stars flashed around her, the corona of their light slowly growing into a grid that surrounded her. She knew Gavin was beside her, although she could no longer see his features, only the shape of him wrought in violet and aquamarine.

She lifted one hand to see that she too, was little more than a brightly coloured figure in the game, her hand painted in bubblegum pink and gold.

“This is kind of freaky,” she said, raising her arm to get a better look at her in-game avatar, watching as the colours roiled over the length of her arm like ocean waves. “I feel like I’m on acid or something.”

Gavin chuckled, and she imagined the wry smile playing on his lips. “It reminds me a little of a training simulator at the STF.”

“Okay but. Did the STF training simulator also have a rhythm game in it?” She reached her hand out in thin air, even as her avatar in the game scrolled through different song options to play to.

Another chuckle. “No, it didn’t.”

“Well then they should add one, because rhythm games make everything better.”

A beat as he sucked in a breath. “Rowan, are you still mad I didn’t let you buy that Vocaloid rhythm game?”

“Of course I’m still mad!” She whirled to the side, imagining the amused glint that would be in his eyes. “It was on sale! It looked like so much fun!”

“But you haven’t even finished the last game you bought.”

“But that one is different,” she whined. “That’s an RPG. Rhythm games are different.”

He lifted his hands, conceding. “Alright. Next time we go out I’ll buy it for you.”

“And there’s a new romance sim I want that comes out next week too.”

Gavin heaved a long-suffering sigh, shaking his head.

“You said anything for me!” She waved her arms, her earlier brain haze giving way to the desire to be ridiculously dramatic. “For me! The love of your life! Your everything! Your sweet pumpkin pie!”

Gavin’s hands reached for hers, clasping them between his palms. She could feel the tremors of his laughter through his hands, his whole body shaking like an earthquake had rent the deep, boisterous laughter from deep in his soul.

“You are my everything,” he promised, his words lilting as his laughter slowly began to subside. “And you are my sweet pumpkin pie.”

Her legs wobbled a little, as though they were made of jelly, when he said it. Something about the utter dorkiness of the affectionate nickname he’d bestowed on her that always made her feel a little weak, a little like she were no more substantial than seafoam and summer clouds.

“I’ll buy you whatever you want.” He brushed a kiss to her knuckles, the sensation strange since she could not see his face, only the blue and purple avatar the game had conjured for him. “But first, let’s try this game.”

Rowan beamed, her focus diverted as it was once again turned to the VR game. “Alright. But I’m picking the music.”

“As you wish,” was his response, and she could see the arc of his smile in her mind.

“And I’m not going easy on you!”

Gavin’s laughter threaded with the opening strains of the music as the game began, their VR avatars wielding massive silver swords that flashed as they sliced into the projectiles the game tossed at them.

Rowan was pleased to find that she was actually quite good at the game, quickly syncing her movements to the beat of the song. Beside her, Gavin was seeming to do quite well too, although Rowan felt a surge of smug satisfaction as she realized her score was higher than his.

“I think the STF should get one of these!” She sang, starbursts exploding across her screen as she swiped at the in-game projectiles. “I think it could be good training!”

“Good training for what?” Gavin sounded incredulous, even as he successfully sliced through a string of projectiles as the tempo picked up.

“Well what if you have to go undercover during a fancy ball? And you need to dance with someone?” She gasped, clapping her hands as the round ended and she was declared the winner. “Or what if you have to fight in the middle of a ball or a party and you can only attack on beat to whatever song is playing?”

She imagined the amusement in his expression, the incredulity at the edges. “That’s never happened before.”

“But what if it does.”

He laughed, warm and bright, surely reaching towards the stars. His laughter turning to bright lights among the velvet darkness of the night. “I’ll make sure to add it to the agenda.”

“Oh good,” she said, feigning relief. “I was so worried.”

“The last thing I want to do is worry you.”

“While you’re at it, we should take dance classes again,” she continued, starting up a new round. “I think that would be fun.”

Gavin paused for a beat before responding, and for a moment Rowan thought maybe he hadn’t heard her, the music blasting in his ears drowning out his senses. But then he did respond, his voice soft. Like the moments between sleep and awakening. “I would love that.”

Rowan wanted to question if he was feeling alright, but the tempo picked up in the game and she had to turn and focus, intent on beating Gavin yet again.

They ended up playing for quite a few rounds, the arcade near deserted now but for them and a few couples crowded around the retro-inspired games. Rowan felt like she might have been on her third or fourth wind, more energy flowing through her in a moment than an entire week.

Not that the sudden burst of energy lasted particularly long, with her legs suddenly turning to jelly and her bones to lead.

She whined as Gavin helped her to remove the VR helmet, nearly toppling against his chest once they were both free.

“Why don’t we collect our prizes and head home?” He suggested, arm wrapped around her waist as he led the way to the prize counter.

The employee standing at the counter looked beyond bored, not even bothering to try and hide their phone as they idly flicked their thumb across the screen.

“Cards please,” they said, their tone dull as they held their hand out.

Gavin had never looked more smug as he handed his card over, waiting for the employee to let him know what prizes he could choose from.

Rowan’s eyes bulged as she listened to the employee list the points Gavin had wracked up, pointing to all of the items he could redeem.

He didn’t hesitate as he selected the teal otter. He cradled it in his arms for a moment, his expression softening as he turned to Rowan.

“For you.”

She clutched it to her chest, beaming so wide her cheeks hurt. “Thank you, babey.”

His smile turned mischievous. “Don’t thank me yet, I still have points leftover.”

She was astonished that he had any points left after the otter. She hadn’t thought the VR game had given them that many points, had it?

Gavin quickly redeemed the rest of his points for a finger trap, a handful of candy, and a blind box from a series she loved.

Rowan clutched her otter as she redeemed her own points, choosing another two blind boxes and a goofy plastic crown.

“For you, my king,” she announced, settling it on Gavin’s head. “For defeating all the enemies in the arcade.”

The employee rolled their eyes as the two of them walked away, but Rowan didn’t care. She was tired, still a little drunk, and so overwhelmingly happy she thought she might explode into stardust. It had been so long since she’d tasted such joy, and she wasn’t going to let a grouchy teenager ruin it because they were being silly.

She loved Gavin, loved being silly around him.

“Why did you get that?” She asked, pointing to the finger trap as he tucked it into his pocket.

He shrugged. “I’m going to use it to keep you close.”

“Keep me close?”

He lifted her hand, sliding it easily onto her index finger. “Exactly. Just like this.” Then he slid his finger into the other end, joining the two of them together.

Rowan laughed, delighted by the silliness of it. “You could always just hold my hand.”

“But what if you let go?”

“I mean…” She trailed off, cheeks burning even as they stepped out into the crisp night. “You could always use your handcuffs.”

Gavin smirked, looking far too pleased for her liking. “I was planning on saving those for something else. But I can cuff you if you want.”

She looked away as quickly as she could, blinking as the world spun. Maybe she’d drank too much. “It was only a suggestion.”

He dropped his head close to hers, lips ghosting against the curve of her jaw. “It’s one I plan to take you up on.”

Sighing, Rowan flopped against Gavin’s side, too tired to joke around. “You can do whatever you want to me,” she said, sighing again. “But tomorrow, once I’ve gotten some sleep.”

“Are you tired?” His voice softened.

“I feel like I could sleep for a week.”

“Alright, pumpkin,” he murmured, drawing her to his chest as they walked. “Let’s go home.”

***

Her memories of the rest of the night were hazy. Gavin coaxing her into the shower, helping her to wash the sweat from her body before wrapping her up in a soft towel and helping her into her favourite pajamas. Gavin tucking her beneath their blankets before cuddling up beside her, tucking her head beneath his chest.

Even her dreams were hazy, little more than splashes of colour melting together. The echo of a soft hum that warmed her heart dancing in the wind. Ocean waves lapping against the shore, reaching for her from where she stood.

Rowan awoke, her mind still hazy, to Gavin’s teeth nibbling her ear.

“Good morning,” he breathed, hands wrapping around her waist, his voice heady and warm.

“G’morning,” she mumbled, barely able to keep her eyes open.

“Sleep well?”

“Mmmm…”

She felt herself slipping into unconsciousness again, the draw of the blurry ocean and melting colours in her mind like a siren’s song.

“Don’t fall asleep,” he teased, running his hands along her sides. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’m sleeby,” she whined.

But she was starting to awaken more, becoming more and more aware of his hands on her sides. His hands at the waistband of her sleep shorts, toying with it idly.

“Rowan,” he breathed, drawing her focus.

“Hmm?” She peered up, catching his eyes as the shone gold. Her stomach twisted, heat pooling in her core. He looked so handsome; beautiful with his disheveled hair and his bright eyes.

“Do you remember what you promised last night?” He teased, slipping his hands up beneath her shirt.

She worried the inside of her cheek, heart lurching as the memory surfaced. “Yes.”

“That I can do whatever I want?”

She nodded, feeling breathless. “Yes.”

His hands trailed higher, stroking her sides. “I know what I want to do.”

“Then do it.”

She threaded her fingers in his hair as he gently pushed her onto her back, hands making quick work of her pajamas until she was bare beneath him.

“I love you,” you groaned, pressing fiery kisses to her throat. “I love you so much.”

She held him tighter, too distracted by his lips and his teeth and his hands to think of much else.

But as Gavin’s lips found hers, his hands tenderly spreading her thighs apart, a moment of clarity found her. A moment where she realized her heart no longer felt entirely empty.

She could still feel the cracks, feel where the shining joy still dripped through. And she could still feel the leaden fatigue in her body, craving nothing but the peace of oblivion.

But it wasn’t as heavy, and the cracks in her heart weren’t as big. Like all of Gavin’s efforts had helped her to heal, a salve to the wounds in her heart. A tonic to hasten her recovery.

She broke from his lips, her head falling back as she cupped his face. “Thank you.”

Gavin blinked, bemused. He chuckled awkwardly, raking a hand through his already mussed hair. “What are you thanking me for?”

“For helping me,” she said, voice soft as she stroked his cheeks. “For staying with me. For helping when I didn’t know what would work. For loving me.”

His expression softened, no longer shadowed by his desire as he leaned down to brush a chaste kiss to her lips. “I will always love you, Rowan. And I’ll always do everything I can to help you. To make you happy.”

“Being with you makes me happy.” Her voice was little more than a whisper, but it didn’t need to be. Her words weren’t for the wind to sweep away, they were for Gavin alone.

He chuckled, nuzzling against her cheek, his laughter ringing through her like song. “You might regret that by this evening.”

She frowned. “Why?”

He peeled away, sitting back on his legs as he stretched his arms skyward. “Because we’re still going to the gym tonight.”

“Oh Gavin no,” she whined, squirming from beneath him. “Can’t we do something else?”

“Nope,” he beamed, far too pleased with himself. “If yesterday helped, then going to the gym regularly will definitely help.”

She pouted, crossing her arms over her chest. “But I don’t want to!”

He tsked, taking her hands and prying them from her chest, lifting them above her head and pressing them to the pillows. “You said I could do anything I wanted.”

“Well- I didn’t mean- I meant more like-” She stumbled over her words, wriggling helplessly. “I meant like…”

He arched a brow. “Like what?”

He held her arms in one hand, reaching for something on the side-table that she couldn’t see. He made sure to keep whatever it was from her line of sight, although the telltale clink of metal as the cool cuffs were clasped around her wrists gave it away.

“Like this, maybe?” He teased, releasing her wrists.

She huffed, rolling her eyes. “Maybe.”

“Well you said I could do anything,” he continued, lowering his head to drag his teeth over where her pulse fluttered in her throat. “So I’m going to do this. And then we’re going to the gym tonight.”

“Fine,” Rowan conceded, feigning annoyance even as her toes curled from his ministrations.

“But if you’re very good I’ll go easy on you tonight.” His breath was hot as he trailed kisses below her collarbone. “And I’ll even give a treat.”

“Will it be something like this?” Her voice hitched as he dropped his mouth lower, writhing beneath his touch.

She could feel his smile against her skin. “Something very much like this.”

“Alright,” she said, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “Do your worst, officer.”

His head rose, his smile verging on wicked. “I will.”

And Rowan laughed, his eyes and his smile and his teasing voice a melody in her heart. And she could feel the wounds that remained heal a little more, her heart a little more whole with every moment she shared with him.

[taito-division]

The warm breeze has glided through the city of Taito as if greeting the early of summer —And in case no one does get the sign, today was now the day to cheer for the special occasion of Blade Maiden’s very own Onna-Musha!

Also, among the celebration gifts sent to Furukawa dojo, it appeared that the little presents from a certain division in Kansai had finally arrived!

First gift was a neat but elegant-looking mizuhiki ponytail holder

And the second were a number of chilled plastic bags filled with goldfish?!

—No, no, no, fortunately, they weren’t the real fish by the way. Looks like they were some kind of Japanese desserts made from kuzuko served with some icy packs to keep themselves cool against the hot air of June.

“Happy Birthday, Furukawa-san.

The summer is now approaching, isn’t it? Here my division has prepared some gifts to celebrate with you as well. And because the weather is going to be a lot warmer than usual, so it would be a nice idea to tie our hair up and stay away from heat with some cool mizuyokan, maybe?

Anyway, My teammates and I wish both you and your family a great year ahead filled with joy and wonderful memories (P.S. Especially for your father, we hope he get well soon!).

Sincerely,

Nara Division”

Azusa's mouth fell open as she looked the ponytail holder. It was an ordinary thing that you'd probably find on a store shelf anywhere in Japan, but... this particularly one clouded Azusa's eyes. Why? Because... it resembled the one that she used to always wear when she was young. The one her mother had bequeath to her.

When she was younger, her hair wasn't as long as it is today. It was straight and went down only to the top part of her neck. It made her look rather boyish, to be honest. She always used to envy her mother's long, dark hair. During one conversation, her mother was brushing her short hair. As she did, Azusa took notice of her mother's long hair that flowed freely down her back, making her envious.

"Why can't I have pretty hair like you, mommy?" Azusa asked.

"You are still young, my daughter," Her mother answered. "Give it time, and your hair too will grow out."

"But how long do I have too wait?" Azusa whined. "I want too look pretty like you!"

"My daughter, you are already pretty. From the moment I held you in my arms, you were the most beautiful person under the Heavens." Her mother stated, smiling at her.

"Really?" Azusa asked

"Really."

With that, her mother finished brushing her hair and then pulled out the ponytail holder that was keeping her own hair together. She placed it in her daughter's hands, making the daughter look at her, surprised.

"When your hair begins to grow, then you can use this to hold it up. Then you'll look even more beautiful, okay?"

"...Okay. Thank you mommy!"

...

As the memory ended, Azusa realized that her face was wet. Was... was she... crying? Yes, yes she was. Crying because the memories of her mother, who was no longer present, made her heart hurt. It was plain to see; she missed her mother. She missed her smile, her warmth, her words, her long-flowing hair, everything.

She'd give anything to have her back...