#anyways hope u have a good one tumblr void if u read this!!!

[shinotail]

putting him in a fun outfit because i can

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

Well now you’ve got me started on the ikran racing au and now I’m curious so!

Nocorro fic recs for the noob please? 😂

BESTIE finally join the dark sideee.

As I said over dms; unfortunately for you, there are better locorro (and spiri, although I really only rec one hardcore) fics then there are Nocorro. Nocorro is like a desert spot, there really aren’t any aside from a few really short but cool one shots. It's a very small fandom, and it's pretty young right now so tbh most of the fics are not very good, so it'll be a short list anyway. So, as we discussed, here are the high quality, well written Spider ship fics:

For nocorro, there really isn't much. That's why I said I've come so fucking close to writing that ikran au; because I am deeply obsessed with the nocorro parts of it. I adore that au and the ghost neteyam one honestly best of all, but the ghost Neteyam one there is slightly more content for. BUT ANYWAYS;

Upon looking up my list for this I was furious to discover one of the three well written little nocorro one shots has been deleted, so beef begun with CherryApollo (jk queen I need more of them. Actually, a03 user CherryApollo; I know ur reading these posts, or else you wouldn't have tagged that fic nocorro, huh? You said "tumblr has it's claws in me so here's some nocorro" I SEE YOU, I KNOW UR HERE. THERE'S LIKE THREE OF US USING THAT TAG, AND IT'S MOSTLY JUST ME ALONE IN THE VOID. You listen to me. I liked that fucking fic, I had it bookmarked. Give it back to me. But seriously big fan of ur work).

The two remaining fruit themed CherryApollo nocorro oneshots better be your first stop just in case this sociopath decides to take more from me, Take a Bite of the Orange (p sure I was the commenter that took offense mentioned in the notes) and Follow Me Down to the Peach Tree, which did make me want to end it all. Both under 1000 words and worth a quick read.

There is also the ghost of Guilt by thatshowthemafiaworks @undercoverpan who has written us a ghost Spider au which has never failed to make me cry each chapter. The prose is not as flawless as the other recs here, but it packs some emotional weight the others don't. I also can't even fathom where it's going as it all seems entirely hopeless which is why it makes me cry.

The only other nocorro fic I even think is worth a mention is Crop Circles by our bestie @spicymiilk. It's not done and we haven't reached any nocorro yet, but know it's coming and it's good. I get my sticky little fingers in each good Avatar fic writer and I puppeteer the content I want, just look at whats happening here.

For locorro (still a small as hell ship), we can afford to be slightly more picky and I shall give you the best of the best.

Personally I would start with the locorro bible, Bitter by Icandigelvis @oppa86oppa . All of us locorro stans have said this, but this fic started our interest in the ship for most and it caused the cultural revolution of our Spider ship community. This fic still months later lives with me 24/7, and it really is one of THE fics I've ever read of all time. It went righttt into my collection of fics to show to my MFA prof who told me to stop reading fanfiction lol, like seconds after I finished it. Then I put it in the grad school jealousy collection because it's that well formatted.

The Restless Child series by @spicymiilk is a full length novel that will take you a bit lol. I am biased as I do beta it but it's real good. I keep not anticipating turns I should anticipate, but maybe we can convince Andrei to simply let us live for a sec because the fact that it's been like two weeks in universe hit me yesterday while editing and I wanted to fall off an ikran (👀).

There is also, NATURALLY, The Thunder Answered Back by @spicymiilk. This fic crawled up my butt what I can I say. You all got to read my massive post about it, hope u enjoyed that. I was walking back from work today, listening to Back to You by Louis Tomlinson ft Bebe Rexha, in 91 degree heat and it started to thunder and simply pour rain and I was like "I am lIVING The Thunder Answered Back vibes rn, holy fuck." You know it's good writing in general when it gives you a specific vibe. Tbh, that song is that fics vibes, perhaps locorro vibes in general.

I'm only gonna rec one spiri fic for a few reasons. One, because there is a criminal lack of content for them, and two, that fic is worlds above any other spiri fics. I think it's a great starter fic for getting into Spider ships and for getting into spiri in general, just because of how detailed and in depth the world is, my god. It's basically Spider and Kiri pov switches from their childhood up until wayyy past Way of Water and until the end of all conflict with humans. Like any good canon continuation, I disagree with and I agree with a ton of @milesocorro 's interpretation. I don't particularly enjoy the way the conflict concludes, but I really adore the way Quaritch is handled. I said this before to the author, but it's my favorite Quaritch confrontation I've read yet. I have a review up for it while it was still coming out, and I said there I was obsessed with Spider's tsurak and I still fucking am. That's my fav Spider iknimaya sequence too!! Anyways, that's my repeated pitch for Please be kind, please be gentle with me .

[arminsumi]

@ your latest reblog about smut being fast food.. I'm not a follower for long BUT I happen to be on here for 10+ years and let me tell you: there's nothing more boring than a fic that's simply about smut. If I read a fic and the writer doesn't even put in the effort to make it at least sound as if that certain character would say xyz then I'll just skip lmao.

I appreciate thoroughly checked works.. characters being spot on and some good worldbuilding. I'm so sick of boring fics that you can literally apply to ANY character and it "works".

If a writer is able to really indulge into a character, their past, what they've been through and so on.. that's what makes me interested in a fic. It should fit the character and you shouldn't be able to copy paste the same work with a different character. I really like your fics that don't include smut at all such as "photograph" that made my heart sink let me tell you. The way it was so innocent and it all came down to Satoru crying and sobbing I can totally see him being heartbroken bc of something like this and he'd totally do it in silence too.

I know I'm just one of a few but please don't be discouraged by clown fics that are full of notes but don't even contain a proper plot. It seems unfair and it is bc most readers are just horny and who am I to blame lol. I also love smut but you know what's even better? If you can imagine that character saying these things, if the scenery makes sense if their relationship makes sense..

I appreciate writers that still care about the little things. Please don't stop putting in the effort because it seems like nobody is truly liking your fluffy fics.. I do and I also love heart wrenching angst and other fics.

I hope you're feeling a lil better now.. had to get that off my chest 🩷

omg 😭💗

thank u so much for taking the time to write this, it's rlly reassuring and so sweet of u!!

i've been a bit self-conscious of my works lately because i see paragraph smut getting great feedback and then thought-out plots being lost in the tumblr void.

so i start scrutinizing my own work like ok maybe this wasn't as good as i thought?? did i structure it wrong?? is the flow bad??

i rlly try hard to ensure quality and do thorough editing and carefully write dialogues.

because i personally hate reading stuff and thinking "yeahhhh they'd never say that lol" bc it just breaks the immersion.

fanfic is a special type of reading experience, because the reader is usually self-inserting into the world and daydreaming about the scenario.

and also regarding smut, sometimes i hate writing full smut scenes or writing extremely satisfying sex. because in real life it's not like that, and i'd like to show relationship development like maybe character A says ok let's stop for now or maybe they don't go too far or maybe they're dissatisfied.

but i fear that writing about realistic, emotional sexual interactions with angst and (fluffy ones with short smut and long aftercare/after scenes) will not be well-received or enjoyed. it would greatly help plotlines of some of my angst fics, like the one where satoru loves the reader but she absolutely doesn't, but they "try" make it work and it falls apart because she feels emotionless during intimacy with him (but not with suguru, and she can't fall for him bc yk... tight-knit friend group problems 😔)

idk but it's alright bc i have my own personal rules of writing that i try to stick to, and i'm trying not to let notes or feedback deter me. i always hide in Kerouac's books when i lose sight of truthful writing lol

anyways thank u for ur motivational words they are stored in my heart hehe 💗👍

[lovebvni]

Hi! This is Ani again. Just wanted to let you know that your reading was literally SO accurate. Istg you’re living my life

I’m gonna admit, I was expecting something much more negative. I usually expect negative things, which isn’t good, but that make the good things all the more exciting. This whole thing was also kind of new since this was my first intuition reading. My previous ask was also my first ask ever on tumblr so I was kind of nervous as well. It felt like I was writing an email lolol

But I’m so happy that I did do it because, you were right, I did kinda feel like I’ve been grazing rock bottom. I had this weird mixed feeling of being close to the void but also never getting in and holding both those feelings kind of drained me, on top of being burned out from school. This is the first time in a while where I’ve been truly excited for something.

Something that I recommend people do is something I did earlier this month, where I basically manifested seeing angel numbers and using their meanings as guidance on my void journey. I kept getting a lot of 444’s and 777’s which apparently both are related to seeking guidance from angels or something. I didn’t really know how to do that so I assumed that maybe I had to reach out to someone on tumblr, but even then I didn’t know who to ask. I didn’t even know what I should be asking. But this was really helpful and honestly, is making me so excited for my REAL new life instead of a daydream.

Also another thing is, I am a shifter! Or I’m planning to be one, anyway. The life I’m going to shift to from this one will be similar to my current one but better. But all my other realities after that, are pretty much going to be a totally different life with different people, like you said.

Also, can we talk about how in literally the beginning of the post I was called out in so many ways, like “Repressed emotions + feeling left out” 😭✋ Chill out man I can’t afford therapy rn ok?? Lolll all jokes aside though you are right, and I don’t really talk about what I’m feeling. I do think I am also very disconnected from people. I have a wide variety of interests so I can be part of multiple friend groups at the same time, which is why I feel so lonely, because I am never in one deeply enough to find true connections. I have a feeling I know who my new group of people are though!

Over all though, I am so excited to enter void. I have always known that I will, but it was just up to me to decide when. I’ve been putting in extra effort and I’m glad to see it’s paying off. And most of all, I’m excited to shift and be whatever I want to be! I don’t think anyone would be really, truly free until they experienced shifting, but then again, this is coming from someone who has never consciously shifted before (but I’m sure that’s still true).

Anyways, sorry this was so long, I think I kind of just went on a tangent with this one haha 😅 But fr tho, I can’t thank you enough for this, this has really helped me and re-inspired me a lot. I think everyone should give your intuition readings a try because it’s never bad to ask for help and advice, regardless of where you are in your void journey. This is also a great source of positivity for people who may feel stuck in their journey.

(Btw, I love how you complimented everyone in your response to the reading asks, it’s literally so sweet 🥹)

Thank you again for the reading! ♥️

OMG AAHHHH IM SO HAPPY WAIT

i literally read this whole thing during my lunch period and it made me so happy n smily (my friends probs think i have a new bf or something but no 😭😭 it’s this insane!!)

during my time in this earth, both before and after I shift i strive to be a guide. i want to help others reach their goals and get better in this life. every time i feel as if i help others, it brings new light and energy to my spirit. <3

im so glad i have you some hope and motivation, and i REALLY hope u get the help u need sometime!! i know financial issues r a real hinderance w mental health n to genuinely drives me insane 💀💀💀

i love u sm!!! i’m glad it helped!!

[dieicide]

Check in Tag!

thanks @bobapplesimblr for tagging me! these are genuinely fun as hell

Why did you choose your URL?

i remember reading deicide (def. god killer) somewhere in a book or light novel and immediately going “wow that’s so fucking cool”. so, following the nonbinary rule, i named myself after a pretty word. /lh

How long have you been on Tumblr?

i have the knowledge of a newbie on tumblr, but ig techniacally i’ve been here for a collective year if you count my previous simblr from a couple years ago. however, i’ve basically been here for like.. two? three? weeks?

Do you have a queue tag?

ngl to u girl i have no idea what that is

Why did you start your blog in the first place?

i just missed simblr and i wanted to post my oc’s/renders/edits etc ! as well as, people in this community are so fucking talented? even w/ the shitty things certain people are doing i don’t think this will deter me from the community , i dont wna let a couple rotten apples to ruin my experience. >:]

Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

i binge read manga on the daily and this manga? yall. shiori experience is SO good. if you like stories about a bunch of outcasts getting together and making music to become famous? read it. anyway, my pfp is part of one of my favorite panels of the manga, as well as one of my favorite bands of the manga. i also just love visually aggressive facial expressions.

Why did you choose your header?

i unfortunately do not have one, i should get one tho......

what's your post with the most notes?

it’s my want it take it post! i actually rlly didn’t like that one compared to my other lookbooks but im still glad other ppl seem to like it!

How many mutuals do you have?

honestly, no idea? how do you find that out? i just counted and lost count but it’s def more than 35 fuiwegfwuy

How many followers do you have?

i currently have 137 followers! which is fucking crazy!!! tysm??? i know it’s not much by my expectations are so low when it comes to social media

How many people do you follow?

exactly 300, my goal is 420 then 696. i usually follow back simblrs and then i follow cool ass simblrs bc i want my dashboard to look hella cool

Have you ever made a shitpost?

i def do shitpost, i can’t keep my thoughts to myself and so unfortunately my followers get to witness it..

How often do you use tumblr every day?

i mean i have almost 12 hours using tumblr in my phone.. if that helps.

Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

thankfully not and i hope i dont. even if i do, i’d lose bc im terrified of confrontations.

How do you feel about 'you need to reblog this' posts?

i mean, if it was ironically then yeah its hella funny but other than that not rlly a fan.

Do you like tag games?

100%! it’s fun to answer questions and it’s also a way to get ppl who follow u to learn more about you and/or your content.

Do you like ask memes?

i have no idea what those are pls uiefhwg

Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

honestly i have no idea? i mean i dont pay attention to stuff like that and im far too lazy to search through- NO WAIT i think it’s marigolde?

Do you have a crush on a mutual?

if crush means thinking their posts are cool as fuck and think they themselves are cool as fuck? then girl im crushing so many of my mutuals.

i feel bad tagging ppl but imma do it anyway! you don’t have to do this but i’ll tag @void-imp and @sikoi

[irkenheretic]

(How I Learned) How To Read Irken: A Guide

(Pictured: Us....) (From @zimgay​ ‘s lovely animatic!)

Okay, I’m finally making this post. 

If you’ve been following me for a while, you might have caught on that I can read Irken. When I started, I was completely confused over wether or not I was teaching myself correctly, how long it’d take, et cetera. But I’ve finally hashed it out for myself, and I thought:

Why not make a guide for anyone else who wants to learn but has no idea where to start? 

So that’s what I’m doing. Some disclaimers, though:

- This is what worked for me. It may or may not work for you, I’m not sure. I think it’s a pretty good method, though.

- Reading Irken and Writing Irken are two different skillsets. I’m gonna show you how to do both, but don’t worry if you’re better at one than the other. 

- This will probably take a while of daily (or near-daily) practice to learn. It’s not impossible, it’s not super challenging, but it’s not super easy, especially if you have memory problems like I do. (For context: I started in September. But I also have a really shitty memory so, like. It might take less time for you.)

Okay! Let’s do this!

First off, you’d probably do well downloading the Irken font for practice purposes. Messing around with it and typing in it is fun, and can help!

You’ll also need a notebook. It’s not required, but having it all in one place is super convenient. (And, if it’s tiny enough, you can carry it around whenever, and also have it on hand to whip out at cons.)

The first thing I did was write each individual letter over and over and over again. This is what’s at the start of my notebook, and writing the letters over and over helped me remember which were which. I also had to focus pretty hard on what letter this actually was, this is tedious as hell but it’s not something you can do mindlessly.

(Pictured: Normal levels of interest in a show.)

This is what my notebook looks like. Don’t worry about those simplified versions of the letters yet, but you’re gonna wanna leave room for them. Don’t worry about learning simplified/handwritten until later, it helps recognition if you really have to focus on actually drawing the letters, at first.

(And yes, I know my pen is really smudgy. And that my H’s suck.)

After this, three letter words are your friend. Pick just, common three letter words you know, and write them down a lot. I have just, the Irken for “THE” written in the margins of my class notebooks a TON. Once you feel like you can remember that word well, go onto another 3 letter word with a different set of letters. Recognition = good, so pick something you like, use all the time. 

While I was doing this, I tried to string together Irken letters I knew into like, coherent phrases. I was very bad at this at first. Acronyms are your friend here, lmao. (I don’t think I can count the number of times I’ve written ‘u r a qt pie’ in my notebooks.) It doesn’t matter what you write, just that it makes coherent sense. 

There are gonna be some uncommon letters that are gonna be hard to practice, like W and Z, off the top of my head. For Z, that was easy. I just wrote ZIM over and over and over. For W... I used UWU. You laugh now, but the absurdity of it cements that I will always recognize those two letters. 

Four letter words are also good. (Please, absolutely write “FUCK” over and over in order to remember letters. I encourage it.)

There is also the absolute cuntwaffles. Y’know how in English, b, p, d, g, all look kinda the same? Yeah, Irken has that too. 

(Pictured: Head hurting juice.)

The I and Z don’t look that similar now, but good luck without a translation guide. By this point, you should have memorized a good chunk of the Irken alphabet, and be able to recognize some others when you see them. If you’ve been writing common three- or four-letter words, it’s likely you’ve been using letters very common in the English language. Which brings us to our next stage, and the actual fun part: 

READING! 

You’re gonna want a translation guide on hand in these early stages, you will need it. The main goal of this stage is to read anything in Irken you can get your hands on- but start small! Fanart with Irken in it was a godsend to me. It’s not that long, so it’s not overwhelming. I did need to look up some letters at the beginning, and I read really slowly, but that’ll change quickly if you keep up with it! The specific fanarts I used are:

@inimoose​ ‘s The Last Irken comic, specifically chapter one: part one, and chapter two: part two have a lot of Irken. But I’d recommend reading the whole comic; it’s good!

@paketdimensioncomic​ ‘s page of lore for their comic! Spoilers, though. Again, I’d recommend reading through the whole comic, because it’s just that good. 

@xryn-art​ ‘s Linguistic Au’s first comic has a good chunk of Irken! The other comics do have some, but it’s all translated. Still good practice, though, if you wanna... read them......... ;) ;) ;) 

Yes, this segment was partially a way for me to plug my favorite fan-artists, (or at least the ones that use Irken,) sue me. It’s my guide and I make the rules here.

(I am very sorry if I bothered any of you by @’ing you.)

But just some sources isn’t enough, so I introduce you to browser fonts. And changing yours to Irken. 

It will not effect everything in your browser, and it can be toggled on and off, so don’t worry. If you really want, you can download a separate browser to change the font of, and leave your normal one be. It’d be convenient if you could, since having your browser font be Irken is inconvenient if you need to use Wikipedia, like, ever. 

Here’s a guide for that, for Chrome, Firefox, Opera, and Internet Explorer for some reason. You’ll see four options to change, I just changed all of them. Not every page is going to have Irken on it, though. For me, Wikipedia is all in Irken, and so is TV Tropes. And some Tumblr blogs (PAKet Dimension’s is one, just in case you need a reason to go back there ;)) But it might be different for you. 

Whatever it is, now you have a nice way to practice. I read Wikipedia articles on stuff I already knew about (so I wasn’t completely lost and could figure out what letters I didn’t know were from context clues,) but not a page I’ve read before in recent memory- you might just be recalling what the page said, instead of actually reading it.

And about the absolute cuntwaffle letters: yes, this will help you in recognizing which are which. Seeing the letters in context is always going to be much more helpful than just, a bunch of meaningless squiggles floating in the void.

At this point, I personally am much better at reading than writing Irken. It’s one thing to know a letter when you see it, and another to recall it and write it down from memory. Right now, I’m trying to write song lyrics and dumb little phrases in Irken, to improve my writing skills. Again, nothing too long, don’t overwhelm yourself. This sounds stupid, but Vines are good. When I don’t remember a letter, I just leave it blank and look it up after I’m done. 

Another thing that helps is having a friend to practice with, or someone to just give you Irken phrases for you to translate. 

Once you’re around this stage, you can try to learn simplified/handwritten Irken. You can also try to learn it before this, I started it around when I started reading fanart for practice, it’s up to you. This guide is a good starting point, but you don’t have to follow it exactly. This is your handwriting, do what feels natural for you!

(Also, don’t even worry about speedwrite Irken. That has no place in this holy land and frankly I am scared of it.)

And that’s... pretty much it! Most of the process is just... practicing a lot. 

If this post does well, I might make a server for people who wanna learn Irken to practice together and stuff. It all depends if anyone even wants to learn Irken. 

EDIT: Well, guess what I ended up making just the next day. Here’s the post for the server, and please read the joining rules.

Also, if you wanna learn Irken numbers, here you go. But start with letters first, worry about numbers later. These are never used, aren’t even in the Irken font, and three of them look a lot like those cuntwaffle Irken letters. 

Anyway I just really hope this guide helps someone out. If you do use it, tell me! And have fun learning Irken!! It really is just, a blast to do honestly.

[megafaunatic]

also no pressure 2 respond to this but i was wondering if u have any advice for being new to publishing fic? i’ve been rly inspired by how vibrant & fun mdzs fandom is but i am a little (lot) terrified of just sending my work out into the void lol (i literally only remade my fandom tumblr/twitter for mdzs….It Got Me). ok sorry i’m rambling now but yeah if u have any advice abt publishing stuff or getting more involved in writer fandom community generally i would be v grateful, thank u so much !

OOHHH!!! well first of all welcome back 🤩💛 RIGHT ON it's so great that you feel inspired!!!! i feel the same way 🥰✨ reading and writing f*nf*ction has done way more for my prose writing than my english degree did so 🤪

TIPS... tips... let's see! i have em

first off, let me preface this by saying: a LOT of fandom popularity is circumstantial. my personal Fandom Trajectory has a lot to do with timing and the people i knew, and/or who knew me! plus, i happened to be one of the first wave of english language writers for BOTH jjba AND mdzs, so i already had fics posted when respective fandoms ballooned. this isn't something you can rly engineer, it's just smth to keep in mind as like. a structural aspect? i think it's probably harder to break big in mdzs fic as a new writer now than it was in 2018 - which def isn't to say it can't be done, just that it says nothing abt the quality of your fic if it DOESN'T explode.

ANYWAY on to practical Tips

first of all: yay mdzs twt!! idk if you've seen this yet, but there's a pretty common thing on mxtx Content Creator Twitter where every wednesday, people post short excerpts of their WIP fic!! just enough to be mysterious and drum up interest 🤨 that's a rly good way to start interacting w writers!! there's a hashtag #mdzsww but i just say "wip wednesday" somewhere in my tweet. i'm way more active on mdzs twitter than i am here tbh so i'm not certain whether wip wednesday had migrated over to tumblr, but tbh worth doing even if it hasn't!

in general just making yourself a friendly & interesting person to interact with is a good way to make friends!! esp when u've just made a new acct, it's kind of like. if you don't say hi first, who will, u know? but also a weirdly efficient way to get ppl to follow you is to just throw funny character thoughts out into the universe. to this day ive gotten more followers from this tweet than from any non-new-fic-tweet ive ever made

when you post your fic, tag accurately and write the summary with confidence!! my tagging strategy is generally to go from "genre" (fluff? angst?) to "premise" (canon divergence? 5+1?) to "themes" (intimacy?) to "specifics" (sharing a bed? family tension?). my summary strategy is to pick 1-3 lines from the fic - often dialogue, but not always - that capture the general tone, and then a SINGLE line describing the general premise ("they go on a road trip"). that's all! no apologizing!!!!

once your fic is posted on ao3, talk about it!! i make promo tweets with 2 screenshots of the ao3 page: 1 that shows the title and description, and 1 that shows the tags and warnings. then a link, and the text of my tweet has the words "new [ship] fic" in it somewhere - for a while i used hashtags, but then i realized... when i'm trying to find something on twitter, i never check hashtags! i just use the search function, which picks up on any text in the tweet.

i don't make promo posts on tumblr anymore bc i have way fewer followers here and i cant be assed LOL but when i did, i basically just replicated all the warnings/tags/description in the text of the post, so people would know what they were clicking on! and then just tag all the necessary fandom/ship tags

OK I THINK THAT IS... ALL FOR NOW... i hope this is helpful!!! imo like 2/3 of fic popularity is "writing what people want to read" (whether your strength is scenario, characterization, beautiful prose, weird horny, etc), and the other Full Third is just. circumstances. luck. word of mouth. sometimes you post something and it gets attention right away! sometimes you post it and then an ao3 collection gets posted ALL AT ONCE and 25 new fics immediately bump yours off the front page. IT'S A WEIRD WORLD OUT THERE!!

[figuringouthowtobehere]

please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood. 

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now. 

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it. 

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would. 

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!

[imanes]

Hello! I hope you're doing well. I wanted to ask you if you would recommend someone joining Tumblr now? I've been here before but I deleted bc it started getting on my nerves. Now, I can't seem to find a way to share things w people...? Kind of. Like, I want to engage w ppl more but social media doesn't exactly brings that so I'm a bit confused. I visit some of fav blogs here sometimes and I kind of miss being here but I know I'll fail at keeping up w this website if I come back.

... contd. I love your idea of a book club & a discord chat though. I started a group on goodreads but it sort of died. After a point ppl stopped voting for our bi monthly reads and it really disheartened me. I even asked them how they'd like things to be but no one responded and it was a big let down. You're not obligated to reply of course I was just wondering if you could help me out with this lol. Also sorry for making you read so much. And I really really love your blog esp your textpost💛

hi!! first of all thank you so much for still checking up on me even though you deleted, your kindness humbles me 🥺🥺 i’d say if it makes your life easier to keep up with some people then by all means go for it. i think we put too much pressure on being constantly ON, and on providing updates, on being consistent but why should any of this matter? personally, i use tumblr as a space to keep up with ppl that i like but also as a coping mechanism, i love to come on here and scream into the void and whoever is in the void with me screams back and we’re just screaming together you know? it’s a good place to find kindred spirits due to the multitude of ways people express themselves, so i’ll always have a soft spot for this hell site. maybe you can try to put less pressure on yourself by just coming on here when you feel like it. that’s what i do with twitter, sometimes i use it every day and sometimes i don’t touch the platform for three weeks in a row, and nobody cares! there’s no success or failure at “being” on social media if you don’t really raise the stakes for yourself and if you don’t take it too seriously. 

and of course feel free to join us on discord!! there’s a lot of people on there, more than i ever anticipated to be honest so i’m really happy with it, but there’s no pressure for people to keep up with the discussions or to read, it’s just an online spot for people to hang out whenever they feel like it. maybe not hosting a book club and just participating in one would be more pleasant for you? me and the two other mods usually handle things on discord and i take care of the book club and i know i do it fairly poorly but i’m grateful that some people participate! my take is that if i end up reading the book alone at least i’ll have read it and people can come back to the specific channels someday in the future to check out discussions. but we’d love to have you!! we’re voting for a mystery/thriller to read in november at the minute <3

anyways, don’t put too much pressure on yourself, this website is a good means to an end BUT it’s not that deep either and nobody expects consistency from you because this is not a business you’re running or anything it’s just a pastime and pastimes should be fun :-) and i hope you end up joining us as well, most people don’t read much we just talk about the books we want to read but life gets in the way *angry cry emoji*. dunno if this helped u but if u need to chat u obv know where to find me :-) take care

[silverdragon-imagines-blog]

A Glitched Death - Chapter 9 - The Concern

Read it on AO3 here

Okay, and here’s a similar note to what was on Chapter 7: I'm not putting this story on a hiatus, but I can't guarantee that the next chapter will be out on time. I don’t have any chapters finished/queued up for posting, and I’m still very much deep in the Linked Universe fandom (which I highly recommend to anyone who loves Legend of Zelda). I still want to finish this fic, but I don't have a ton of ideas for what should happen before it gets to the end, so catch me on Tumblr asking for prompts or ideas at some point. I also refuse to force myself to write this fic or any fic for that matter, so I won't try to stick to deadlines and risk writing something terrible. I hope you guys understand and thanks for sticking with me despite all this. ^u^

TLDR: Story still isn’t on hiatus, but I can’t promise any deadlines. I’m (sort of) running out of ideas for where this should go, and I’m still deep into my other fandom. Thanks for reading my story, I love and appreciate all of you. ^u^

Reaper was woken up by the insistent buzzing of the cell phone in his pocket, which frankly, wasn’t a new development anymore. He sat up on the guest bed he had been allowed to use during his stay in the Doodle Sphere, and for once, he picked up his phone and answered the call.

“Hell-“

“Do you know how fucking long I’ve been trying to reach you?!” Geno screeched, “You haven’t had any contact with me for weeks , Reaper! You better have a good fucking explanation once you get here! And that’s not when you get here, because you better be here. Today.”

Rather abruptly, the dial tone started up, Reaper sighing as he flopped back onto the bed. He understood Geno’s worry, he really did, but how could he explain all of the shit he’d been through as of late? And to do it in a way that wouldn’t make him even more worried? Practically impossible.

Knowing that he couldn’t lay there pathetically forever, he turned, stretching as he got up from the bed. Donning his usual black robe, he left the room, catching the conversation happening below.

“And you’re sure that’s what you saw?”

A pause, Reaper peered down the stairs and to the kitchen, where he could see Dream pacing as he talked on the phone.

“No no, I believe you. I just want to be absolutely sure,” Dream rubbed at his browbone, “Just-- please don’t do anything stupid? We can’t risk anything bad happening on your end, alright? … Okay, Ink, and I will try to meet up with you when we can. Goodbye.”

Dream only looked at Reaper for a moment, acknowledging the god with a nod before slumping into a chair at the table, hands propping his skull up by his forehead.

“Rough talk?” Reaper asked, getting a strained chuckle out of the other.

“I should be asking you that, correct?” Dream spoke, peering at the god as he made his way to the coffee pot, brewed specifically for him considering no one else drank the bitter-tasting drink.

“You mean Geno?”

“Who else besides Respite would call you on your phone?” Dream laughed, sitting up from his position, “You should probably go see him soon, you know.”

Reaper said nothing as he gathered up his mug, sitting opposite Dream. They sat in silence for a moment, the only sounds being the gentle ticking of a clock and the god indulging in his caffeine fix.

“You know you can’t avoid talking about the past forever, you know. I have a feeling Geno already suspects something is different.”

“The whole point of me seeking him out in the first place was so I didn’t have to talk about it.”

Reaper huffed as Dream shook his head, an unsettling mix of emotions clawing at the god’s SOUL.

“I can read emotions, Death, and yours tell a different story than what you speak,” Dream smiled softly, “It’s okay to talk to others about how you feel, and I’m sure your brother and Geno would be happy to listen, along with myself of course.”

The god didn’t respond, harshly putting his mug on the table causing the guardian to flinch. He stood, summoning his scythe and heading for the door, hand resting on the knob only to be stopped by a hand on his shoulder. He turned sharply, scythe poised to strike, only to pause at the sight of Ink looking at him worriedly.

“I may not’ve been here for all of that conversation, but, Reaper, you need to at least explain what happened last time you were there, right?” Ink questioned, Reaper staring at him from under his hood, “From what I heard from Geno last time I visited, you shook him up really bad. He explained what happened and was nearly in tears, too. You scared the poor guy when you came to, brushed him off, and just left.”

A pit opened up in his SOUL at that, the fact that he caused that had guilt clawing at him. A small whine left him, sharply turning back to the door with more hurried movements to get it open and himself out than before. He wasted no time opening a portal to the Timeline Geno came from, getting into the void quickly, nearly falling on top of the small skeleton when he entered.

He squawked at the feeling of arms wrapping around him, sudden and yet, it was far from unwelcome.

“Reaper,” the small form breathed out, burying his face in the other’s cloak.

It took only a moment for the god to wrap his arms around the other, but he couldn’t find the words to speak, chest heavy with unshed tears and a growing voice echoing in his mind, chanting my fault. My fault. My fault. My f--

“You’re an idiot,” Geno spoke, muffled slightly by the heavy fabric.

Reaper laughed, strained, and not quite as strong as it once was. The small skeleton looked up at him, tears collecting in his sockets despite the glare he was trying to give.

“I’m sorry for making you worry about me,” Reaper warbled, tears starting to make their descent down his face, Geno’s joining soon after.

“It’s what friends do, right? I just--” Geno huffed, dragging the god over to the ugly beige couch, sitting them both down, “I couldn’t get your expression out of my head, how sad and simultaneously scared you looked. I assumed you were going to leave and never come back…”

“I would never do that to you,” Reaper gripped the other tighter, thoughts going back to before, tears beginning to fall faster, “I d-don’t want anyone to go th-through that.”

Geno ran his hand up and down the god’s back, an attempt to soothe the worries and stop the tears. Reaper tried to control himself, stop his sudden need to cling to the small skeleton next to him. After a few minutes, it faded, and he returned to control.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?”

Reaper sighed, letting go of the other and moving out of his space, hand rubbing away the lingering tears.

“I… I know I should,” he faltered, looking up at the ‘sky’ of the void, “But I can’t… not yet anyway.”

“But Reaper--”

“I’ll tell you this much,” he interrupted, looking the small skeleton in the eyes as he spoke, “Before I met you… there was another skeleton. One that looked just like you that I was close with…”

Geno tilted his head to the side, frown settled onto his face. Reaper fought to control his thoughts from comparing them again, sighing and looking away.

“I still have questions, but…” Geno took a deep breath, grasping Reaper’s hand and squeezing it slightly, “I’ll wait until you’re ready to answer them.”

Reaper smiled at that, returning the squeeze.

“I appreciate it… I really do.”

They sat in silence for a while, trading squeezes back and forth until Geno let go to stand up, stretching his arms above his head. He turned, the smile on his face quirked up at the side.

“I do still need to yell at you over how worried you made me.”

Reaper laughed, a much more genuine and real laugh, sockets wrinkling at the sides. He could hear Geno giggling as well, and as he recovered, he found that he was happier now, that he wasn’t as sad. Though Geno did, in fact, yell out his frustrations, their smiles never wavered.

‘Things might just turn out okay after all.’

[ofcloudyskies]

hiya! i really, really hope things get better for you soon. if you ever want to talk about it, just know that i'm here ♡ i know what you mean about tumblr being a safe haven. looking back, i think i came back here bc i was going through a really rough patch (existential crisis do that to you) and even after all this time, i still find comfort in the chaos that is this website. it's become some sort of refuge where i can be silly and speak into the void about the things that make me happy. (1/6)

hello marina! <3 thanks to tumblr for the reveal haha :D i'll post this to keep the whole thing in one place

apart from ouat, i used to be really into glee. i stopped watching ouat after s5 and the later seasons of glee were a real roller coaster. but i was so happy in both fandoms. i mostly kept to my tiny bubble but i did meet so many lovely people. and the fact that i'll probably never know what's become of most of them will always hurt a bit. but yeah, life goes on and one can only hope that they're happy, wherever they are. ah, this got sappy haha. what other fandoms were you in before? (2/6)

my mind keeps drifting these days, too, and the fact that summer makes me feel super drained isn't helping at all. but YES, YESSSSS, i'm definitely up for a buddy reading. that may help us beat our reading slump! we can read "if we were villains" or we can choose any other book you may be interested in, of course! speaking of naomi novik, i started reading "spinning silver" a while ago after hearing great things from a friend of mine. (3/6)

i don't think i picked it at the right time, but god, the writing was so atmospheric and raw. i'll definitely go back to it one day, i love retellings. also, i hadn't even thought about the colors of the covers, what a cool coincidence! black and gold will always be one of my favorite combos. there's something so magical and kingly about it, right? the collector's edition for crooked kingdom is black and gold, too, and i couldn't stop staring at it the day it came in the mail hahaha. (4/6)

see, i'm incredibly intrigued about nikolai. i need to know more about him. that's one of the main reasons why i want to read the shadow and bone trilogy, actually. if i manage to get out of this terrible slump, i think i'll jump back into the grishaverse and give the trilogy a go. in the meantime, could netflix please give us a trailer or some promo pics? i need something, anything! (5/6)  

ahh, tumblr won't allow me to send any more questions for at least an hour because i exceeded the ask limit. but i just needed to send one last message, so i'll just come off anon, i guess hahaha. anyway, feel free to write as much as you want!! as you can see, my messages just keep getting longer and longer. aaah, i'm so sorry. but what can i say, i love letters too! (6/6)

~~~~~

ah, thank you for good wishes <3 i don't want to burden you too much with my life problems and tbh it doesn't really get easier no matter how many times i talk about it, i will most certainly end up crying again if i start thinking about it too much again. i’ve been living with this terrible feeling of uncertainty about the future for a year now (because the thing will happen, the question is how soon) and it feels like i’m always at the verge tears, one word, one thought and i break. ugh, now i’m being weirdly vague akfdjhg sorry >< but i hope you managed to get through your rough patch! if you need to vent about anything, you know where to find me!

oh, i'm actually rewatching glee right now! i was so into it in high school but stopped watching at some point. last fall i needed a pick-me-up show to pass a few weeks of alone evenings so i randomly decided to rewatch glee and this time to watch the whole thing till the end. i think i'm at the start of s4 now. i mostly only listen to the episodes while cooking :D

other than ouat i think i only actively participated in doctor who fandom. for other things i was just a lurker/rebloger... then i got into animanga (mostly into this one baseball manga?? i literally didn't know the rules of baseball back then. don't ask why i like it so much, i don't understand it myself haha, i just accept it) and made a sideblog for that which i started using more than the main blog so i made a separate account and came here only from time to time

YAY we can agree on ‘if we were villains’!! i’ve been considering ‘the priory of the orange tree’ from samantha shannon recently but it’s definitely too long for a slump mood. ah, naomi novik has polish roots and i remember uprooted was based on polish folklore, it was nice to see elements of the tales from my country in the story. i wonder if her other books have that as well. and oh my, i envy you the collector's edition of crooked kingdom! i own the duology but in the basic covers, i love them lots anyway. what are your other fav covers on your bookshelf? and i hope i didn't oversell nikolai, would be bad now if you read the books now and were meh about him ahaha, fingers crossed!

if you like writing letters to strangers, there's this cool app called 'slowly'. you’re matched with a stranger from somewhere in the world and you can write each other letters. the letter takes time to arrive to the recipient according to the distance between the countries where both people live. i used it a bit when i was stuck at home and wanted to feel connected to the world c:

idk how we should keep this going :D does fanmail still exist on tumblr? if u have ideas let me know hah. have a good night x

[frankensteindotpdf]

TGWDLM and Love

Okayyyy so I was supposed to write an assignment on how a romantic movie expresses love and I asked my prof if I could write about tgwdlm instead and he said yes?? Bless him so anyway I made wayyyy too many notes for a 500-600 word assignment lmao so I felt like i might as well post em here… this is a compilation of every time Paul and Emma interact pretty much lol its hella long (im not kidding it’s like 7 pages rip) so under the cut :) 

finally done, @isaidsinggoddammit!!

Sidenote: There’s very mixed capitalization as my brain flipped between tumblr mode and assignment mode so excuse that lmao)

Coffee Shop Part 1

Tips well to impress her

Listens to her vent-she already feels comfy enough to rant to him or, alternatively, she’s just a really open person (but shhh she has to trust him to some extent)

Insults others he doesnt know too well but he knows she doesnt like, again to impress

Tries to act indifferent towards everyone else (and tough)

Almost says smth romantic (“Some things are worth it”) but backtracks when she looks confused

In this scene, he tries to act cool but is clearly super nervous. One thing I really like is how he never acts too cool for her, like a lotta people do. He’s genuinely interested in what she has to say and never pretends otherwise, and also never pretends to be interested to get her to like him. I just really love how good he is at listening

Cup of Roasted Coffee/ Cup of Poisoned Coffee

When he panics he goes to Beanies to get a coffee and relax (wake up)

He turns to Emma (subconsciously?) for comfort

Freaks out when she sings (for good reason)

Emma remembers him (“Paul, right?... You’re the guy who doesn’t like musicals”)

Doesnt seem to notice how weird he’s acting

Continues to vent

He pulls her away from the counter to explain what’s going on

Paul finds it important to tell her-she’s the first person he admits it to

Him venting to her like she does to him? Trying to connect in a similar way? Im reading too much into that

He holds her there while explaining, she has to find an excuse to pull away

She thinks he’s crazy-keeps glancing at him during the song (he looks terrified)

Seems concerned for him

He switches between nervously staring at her and anxiously staring into the void (mood)

She turns to him at the “end” of the song and comes near him in the middle

She runs to paul when they start singing

They grab each other

He tells her to run, pushes her forward and shifts so he’s between her and the aliens

This scene is reeeally creepy from Emma’s perspective like oh my gosh can you imagine a man yelling at you (not at you but at your singing but still) and pulling you away from your work and then holding you still when you try to leave??? Anxiety to the max poor babe but also i get paul’s side can you imagine seeing the whole apocalypse beginning and it’s so weird no one would believe you if you tried to tell them? Poor bb. There’s also a lot of things that come up later: the ways he holds emma in this scene is the same way he holds her later one, later it’s to comfort her but  this time it’s more to calm himself… he also pulls her to a better spot like he does later on

Trash Bin Scene

He leads her away-he knows the neighbourhood better

Tries learning about her (you like film?) (cmon paul bad timing)

(at trash) hold hands, she grabs his shirt while panicking

He holds her firmly by the shoulders to calm & comfort (parallels Cuppa)

Emma instinctively grabs Paul’s arm when Bill pops out

“Emma stays with us”-stands up to ted even though he looks pretty scared of him

(sidenote-what did ted do to Paul? The poor boy looks straight up terrified the first time he shows up)

Emma looks real confused about “latte hottay” but she never brings it up

“Paul!” when he runs to Charlotte-gestures at Paul near end of song

Paul tends to comfort people by grabbing their shoulders/putting a hand on their back (Emma of course but also Charlotte and Bill- has a looser hold on them than Emma)

Here they’re already starting to react to danger by reaching for each other and it’s v cute also bless paul i just really like how he calms people down he’s so good and pure

Hidgens’ Fortress Part 1

They trust Emma enough to go to Hidgens’ place (not like they had many other options)

Men™ typically trusted for “strong” stuff-Ted and Bill cuff Sam

Paul stands up for Bill-such a protective boy (could also be doing it to look cool for Emma but tbh it doesnt seem like it ill bring this up again later)

Paul listens intently to Emma’s venting

He smiles, nods, asks qs and repeats phrases she says

Its obvious he genuinely cares

Emma’s v comfy with him-they have an easy chem when Paul relaxes

Emma progressively shares deeper shit as she becomes more comfortable around paul

Paul makes jokes to lighten the mood, but not in a disrespectful way

Seems more nervous when bringing topics to himself

She listens just as politely as he does

“Whoa thats like your origin story...so I guess I’m the supervillain” “I dont think of you like that at all, Emma.” Cutest, Softest smiles on both of them my heART “Listen, Paul”-she was about to confess her love dammit charlotte

I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: Paul is such a good listener. I dont know why i find this so cute but their convos are so perfect like he asks qs so he knows exactly what she’s talking about (“what’s a coatimundi?” “Oh, did she smoke a lot of pot?”) and he repeats back phrases she says which shows that he’s genuinely listening like...so many characters (and people irl, lets be real)  just pretend to listen to get what they want but he cares so much about what she has to say i just cant stop talking about it it’s so cute also how he seems so comfortable when she’s talking and then starts showing sign of nervousness again when the convo turns to him? Pure mood

Join Us And Die

Both jump behind chair when Charlotte and Sam show up

Emma clings to Paul’s arm + hides behind him

She steps out “charlotte?”

Paul pulls her back when sam approaches

Paul puts himself between Emma and Sam

Emma puts her back to Paul and grabs his arm

Paul pulls Emma away by her arm (“What’s wrong with her shirt?”)

Emma’s caught up in the gore, Paul is relatively level-headed

He keeps an arm around her

Emma steps away from paul to yell at Sam +Char (“He has a daughter!!”)

Instinctively reaches for Paul  when Char gets shot (and later looks back at paul a couple of times when shook at prof hidgens)

Alright they do this whenever aliens show up so imma just talk about it here: this part was in my assignment so 1 lets hope it doesnt get flagged as plagiarism and 2 i could rant about this all day.

Basically Paul fulfills the traditional masculine role as protector and leader. Whenever smth dangerous shows up, he has one hand on her (on her shoulder, arm or the small of her back)-both reassuring them that someone else is there and making it easier for him to move her-which he does lots. He pulls her behind him or pushes her forward (away from the infected), leading her to where he thinks is safest. He always puts himself between her and the aliens, leading her to a safer spot. Emma tends to get distracted (emotional female stereotype) and paul is the one to move them both to safety (strong stoic man stereotype). To be fair, he is a lot bigger than emma and would probs have an easier time in a fight (tho i dont doubt that emma would be v i c i o u s) Emma tend to cling to Paul’s arm when she gets scared (which is really cute)

Hidgens’ Fortress Part 2

Emma adds to Paul’s plan- taps on his arm to move him

Paul steps back in front of her- i always found this weird, he totally blocks her from the conversation like why

She steps back out to roast ted

Paul looks at Emma when Ted @s him-now here’s where I could see him standing up for Bill to impress emma again. It’s not the only reason, but i do think it’s a contributing factor (and probably was before too cuz lets be real, when your crush is around you gotta act tough) of course he wants to protect his bff but he’s super anxious around ted so wanting to look brave for emma gives him that extra push he needs. Alternatively, he looks at Emma as a way to calm himself down before saying smth scary (which is adorable)

Emma wants to help but is called back to help with the lab

This is another thing i find super interesting-wouldnt more people around make it more likely he gets stopped? Did he want an audience (more than just ted) cuz i guess that’s understandable but in that case why didnt he wait a little longer to see if they came back? Idk it just seemed weird to me (also the whole “nooo female cant go out where it’s dangerous” even though it’s more like “oh emma’s the only one i know here can she not leave” wait actually that’s probably it lmao he just didnt wanna be alone with ted ok relatable nvm )

“Hey, Paul?” grabs arms (paul reciprocates) she’s real nervous for him leaving-relates to how much he hates musicals

I find that really cute cuz it’s showing once again how much they listen to each other and idk i just really like that about them

Grabs his face and pulls him close-he pulls her hands down to look her in the eyes to tell her he’ll stay safe

He doesn’t kiss her-super interesting! She pulled him close like that (which coulda been a sign to kiss her) and this was a pretty emotionally charged moment which a kiss would have fit - Paul hates kisses hc?

Not Your Seed + General (technically, just a little note)

Paul holds Emma tight with 2 hands, but keeps 1 hand free when holding others (ie bill and charlotte)

Only tells General about Emma, not Ted or the Prof (tho to be fair, he hates ted and barely knows the prof but it’s interesting how he doesnt even say he has “friends”, just Emma)

America Is Great Again

Paul saves emma and Ted

“Should I take this chair?” asks paul to lead

Emma holds Paul’s arm when they run

She tries to pry “Greg”’s arm off Paul + tries to get Ted to help-not strong enough

“Thank you Emma”-she freed him/killed Greg? I wanna know what happened (i tweeted @ jon, lauren and nick asking, so far jon just liked it we’ll see if anyone answers)

Runs behind Emma + pushes her forward “run, emma, run!”-Emma grabs for Paul, he steps in front

He pulls her through Robert+Corey and turns her around

She pulls him away from the General-paul usually does the pulling to safety

Paul doesnt notice when Emma is grabbed by Ted (lmao i get that he’s a little busy but it still seems odd)

She struggles with 1, 3 are on Paul (not a sexist thing, she’s tiny and also Paul is the main character and the aliens know it plus they gotta do that cool lift thing)

Emma grabs gun + shoots the General, grabbing Paul-”Paul! The helicopter! Cmon!”

Usually Paul does that stuff, but emma takes the protective role more in the 2nd half of this song

Basically we have the classic paul protecting emma stuff but now also the emma protecting paul which is good and fresh and i love...the way she tries to protect paul is different than how he protects her. She yells more frantically, and also is more of trying to lead him whereas paul yells to get her attention and physically moves her himself

Helicopter Scene

He helps her onto the heli, back to his usual protective self

Keeps one hand on the back of her seat the whole time (aww he’s stabilizing himself physically cuz the copter’s shaky and emotionally cuz he’s closer to Emma)

“Emma, seatbelts” he reaches up to help her into her seat-he kicks the gun to save them

“Emma? Emma?” immediate response is to call out to her-that boy was literally awake less than a second before worrying about her i love him

Runs to her when he sees her

“”This is what seatbelts are for” in this scene he seems really like...over it? Idk if anyone else got that he just seemed really intent on destroying the meteor instead of anything to do with Emma… before saving their lives was priority but also spending time with her, here he nods like he’s trying to rush her and does not seem excited to kiss her (again, Paul hates kisses? ok that was a rant that got ahead of my notes but just-) this scene is weird to me like maybe he’s trying to rush to stop the meteor so they can be together after and like not die idk anymore

He reaches out for her, jumping away when she cries out in pain

The rest of the scene he has his hands hovering a few inches away from her, very protective but also very scared of hurting her

Emma comes up with the solution, Paul has to do it cuz she’s hurt (weak gal, strong man, injured person knows secret to survival and tells strong boi how to do it tropes)

“Hey, Paul?” slides over to him-he gingerly supports her back (scared to hurt her)

He shushes her to calm her while talking cuz she’s in pain- ok, maybe its less about “gotta get out of here” and more about “she’s hurt really badly and needs help asap, i gotta destroy that meteor so i can get help” ok that makes sense im dumb lmao

Emma is first to ask out + kiss me? + pulling him in by his tie- breakin stereotype of man making first move

Then the little “..okay..” after she asks him to kiss her...maybe he wanted it to be romantic aww he wanted them to have a real cute first kiss and this wasnt what he had planned (or he just doesn’t like kisses cuz like he looks so uncomfortable there’s gotta be a reason”

He doesnt wanna kiss her cuz of the blood (weak) and is happy to leave-this part is what throws me off most he just like runs on outta there with no hesitation but he loves her?? I dont get it

Dont really need a rant here cuz i did a lotta ranting in the points… excuse my little journey of discovery there lmao I was just confused at first cuz at face value he seems really different, super hell bent on getting out of there whereas in every other scene he pays way more attention to Emma. I suppose it’s because he knows he has to destroy the meteor asap so he can get her help, i just didnt catch that. His motivations seemed very different in this scene to me and i couldnt figure out why

Theory time

Now here’s the fun part-i saw a theory somewhere that Paul can only get infected because he has a true goal now, he really wants to end up with Emma. In What Do You Want, Paul? Mr. Davidson is trying to find out what he wants to use it as motivation to make him more susceptible to the virus/make him sing a song, but since Paul doesn’t want anything clearcut he cant be infected. Now, since Paul wants Emma, he has a goal and smth to fight for but also smth to sing about. The very reason he’ trying to save the world becomes the reason he fails.

HOWEVER. His goal could just as easily be saving the world cuz he literally doesnt bring emma up once? Like i get he’s preoccupied but idk if he’s about to die i feel like he’d at least mention her (unless he’s hoping they think she died and wont go looking for her if he fails) idk their romance is adorable until the scene before this and then these 2 scenes make it feel really off for me

Okay now onto the most fun scene >:) -since there’s so many details i separated them into actions and lyrics

Inevitable (Actions)

“Are you sure there weren’t any other survivors?” :(

“PEIP would like to see it become smth more” because she’s the love interest and they’re supposed to end up together ahhh it’s the alien talking

She grabs his arms to look him in the eyes then pulls him in for a hug (the cutest)

She’s v reluctant to believe it at first “Paul?” She’s still smiling for the first line

Slowly she starts to let herself see what’s happening “Paul, you’re scaring me”

She knows he’s infected but she’s trying her hardest to believe he could be playing a cruel joke

He has power over her physically- holds her where he wants her while they’re dancing

He dances with her at first, gestures to her to move closer, talks to her, moves towards dancing at her instead of with

He blocks her exit, pulls her to where he wants her and ignores her for part

This is where you can really tell he’s different. Paul would never ignore Emma, and he straight up ignores her to sing and dance

He points at her and then goes back to ignoring her

Emma starts sobbing and really trying to run

Emma is dragged to the center of the stage sobbing because she cant do anything

He drops character in credits, waving and smiling to the audience; she doesnt

He’s got physical power over her (strength) but also cuz he’s backed by all the aliens who can move her where she’s supposed to go

Inevitable (lyrics)

“Emma, I’m sorry, you lost.” couldnt kill aliens

“Lost your way” didnt want to join them

“I made it” ‘This is the life that I chose” “I’m still the man you trust” “what if the only choice is you had to sing to survive” “Put words to the lyrics and you’re playing the game now” -maybe he’s faking it (i also heard someone mention the fact that he sings in his natural voice and not the higher one he used for the Alien Brain in Let It Out which is a good catch) (also someone else brought up the fact that he was mostly singing reprises, maybe because he couldnt think up his own tune/entirely original lyrics?)

“It’s inevitable for us”-because she’s the love interest, it’s was inevitable that they’d wind up together

“Show me those jazz hands” He’s trying to convince her to join of her own free will

“or i might be inclined to plant my seed” but is willing to do it by force if she wont

This song is super interesting because of the parallels-he holds her the same way he did in previous songs, pulls and pushes her across the stage like before, but this time it’s turned against her. What was once meant as protection is now being used to force her to join the dance I talked more about this in my assignment but i dont wanna get too close to what i wrote before because it could get flagged for plagiarism and i do not want that so imma reblog this post alter and add my assignment for more info (if yall want anyway)

The lyrics could hint at Paul faking it, and it definitely appears that way (especially with the face he makes at “Im still the man you trust) but i think the part in the middle where he just kind of breaks off to dance really kills that idea for me. Even if he was trying to trick the aliens, he could have kept closer to Emma like he does every other time they’re in danger, and the fact that he straight up ignores her and lets the aliens move her around like that is just not in his character so apologies but i believe our man is gone

Also, regarding the theories that Emma is infected because of the beginning; I could see that happening, but in that case, why didnt she break character at the end? I have absolutely zero idea how/if the intro song fits into the story but idk i feel like she should’ve acted like the rest of them if she really was infected but on the other hand i really like the heartbreaking theory that they’re all infected and Paul just has to keep reliving the story of how he failed again and again for all eternity like ouch? But also? Its great in a painful way??

Um yeah so that’s that for my ranting (my 3 pages of notes became 7 pages with the rants included so sorry about that i just had so much to sayyyy

TLDR: paul and emma are cute thanks for coming to my ted talk

[dem-khuya]

im a little drunk n on edge but i feel such a weight lifted off me when i don’t visit twitter or Facebook or instagram and I cut those social media platforms out of my life. like yeah tumblr was once really unhealthy for me to but as it stands it’s kinda easy for me to avoid unnecessary stuff on here, you kinda have to go out of your way to find things that make you angry, at least that is the way it is for me. i also kinda like tht tumblr is like. half dead lol bc now i can just shout into the void without caring about whatever.

anyway im tired and I’ve been spending the evening reading Anne Carson and Clarice Lispector after drinking and having dinner n coffee w Thomas. he’s a good guy overall even tho we are on opposite spectrums of everything. he’s not a right-winger by any means but he’s nowhere near the left or communism the way tht I am. n at the end of the day he actually likes the US lol. but i don’t have a bad feeling abt him as a friend. i feel like he’s very sturdy...he will be there for me if I need him, so I will also be there for him if he needs me. he’s not pretentious or anything either. but i remember something Anna said abt him and tht he is the sort of person to hide things, and hide them quite well...in some of our interactions i realize that now and it’s a little scary, I don’t think he is trying on purpose to deceive me, but i get worried tht we will stumble on something in our conversations that will drive a wedge into our friendship

i keep myself busy in lhiftya’s absence n I notice tht I feel a lot better that way. better abt myself, my mental health, and better in tht if she needs me I will have the emotional capacity to be there for her too. i jus sort of recognized tht maybe it is not too good for me to rely on ppl too much for anything esp emotional stuff, tht it is better for me to at least work things out before i do reach out, I’m not good at keeping my emotions inside but I’m getting better with processing them before considering the opinions of my friends and my parents, and even then I’m selective bc I don’t want to put my emotional burden on others. I’m proud of that step I have taken for myself.

my time in Taipei has been nice n I’m surprised n sad tht it’s coming to an end soon. I have 29 days left here. i hope i can come back soon. im excited for the next chapter of my life. but new chapters always mean ppl to be left behind, things on the current time tht u cannot mend or come back to. for example i can’t come back to the weekly meetings i have w Thomas n Mayuri, complaining abt work with Baylee, convos i have w my one on one teacher, etc. bc ppl have their own lives and they move on without u in the end and u do without them.

im tired n my tummy hurts

some things thomas said to me while we were drinking at The Shrine:

“u never ask to quit, u say u quit” wrt jobs

“u are never in the right place at the right time, but u should be in the right place all the time.” His favorite quote from madmen

there’s some more but I can’t remember right now

tired n sad n lonely

[moonraccoon-exe]

Hi there :) ok, so first of all, your pseudo is amazing. Anyway, you were wondering if I was paying intention to the tags... of course omg!!! You put so much energy and love in your comment how could I not have seen it? seriously?? and true fact, I loose time every morning to check the reblogs just in case people put some stuff in the tags and idk, i cannot ignore it. So don't worry your endless tags full of feels will not end into the void ;) thanks you soooo much and have a great day!!

AKSLJDFLKGA DJLKGAJS FLKADJG ALDKGJ AKLDGJAKLG ZOMG ZOMG SCREEEEEEEEEECH IT’S AESTRAMA SAMA IN MY INBOX IT’S AN ARTIST OF PHENOMENAL ART IN MY INBOX SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*EXPLODES*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

PEOPLE GO CHECK THEIR ART OUT IT’S FANTASTIC AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH ASDKLJDAG KDJ GLAKDJGAD

OMG. OMG. ASKJDAFDKHLJ ADKLFAJ DGKLADJGADK ADKLGJADLGKAD

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH, AESTRAMA SAMA I DON’T KNOW HOW TO REPLY TO YOU HGNNHFHNFG HKFGNH OMG I DIDN’T REALLY THINK YOU’D ACTUALLY DROP BY HNHG AAAAAHHHHH

Let me- let me add a keep reading here, aye? Ah. Omh. Aha,dg

Look, I REALLY want to freak out here because ZOMG IT U, but the truth is I can’t look at your inbox and freak out because I HAVE FAILED YOU OTL

It took me forever, but I did add the tags to yoru artwork where I asked you if you wanted me to…it’s here, if you want to check it out, but…know that I failed you… ;A;

Tumblr only allows 30 tags and there was NO WAY on this planet that I would put my thoughts and impressions of your artwork in only 30 tags, considering as well the space I use for search purposes which left me with like 20 and as hard as I tried to fill them as much as they allow me to, I just…didn’t get even ¼ to what I wanted to express… OTL

So I’m sorry that I kept you waiting for so AGONIZINGLY LONG and it’s not a big deal. You probably expected more but what did you expect me to say? Your art is beyond my vocabulary and mortal comprehension, I couldn’t do it as hard as I tried…forgive this mortal that adores your art but has no idea of how to express how much, almighty Aestrama… OTL

SO WHAT ABOUT I KEEP RANTING HERE BECAUSE I DON’T FEEL FULFILLED YET

IT’S JUST

AKSDLJF

AKSLDJFG LKAJDFKLAS GDKLJLAKDJ FLDKAGJALDKGAD JLK

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WHOLEHEARTEDLY LOVE THAT ARTWORK OF YOURS KAJSDKALJG OMG I HAD ALREADY SEEN TWO OR SO ARTWORKS FROM YOU BUT THAT ONE SORTA SLAYED ME ;A;

The Regis-Noct relationship is my fave and it’s always so heartbreaking and touching, and you made it so…beautiful in a way I can’t describe. Your artwork itself radiates all this joy, all this sentiment, kasjdladkgjadkgjda, the artwork contains some load of emotion, and it transmits another load, and honestly, that’s what I think art is.

Not to talk about your art. Which is what I think I talked the less about when it should have been in first place because WOWEE, LOOK AT YOUR ART!!!!!!!!!!

And that one artwork is so good and so nice, because while it’s a fun and cute style, it’s not an artwork to laugh with, it really is touching and heartwarming. It may be the look on Regis’ face, happy and content, when in canon we’re not used to see him smile. I LOVE the colors and how you mad eof blue and black hues so happy and lighthearted. Lighthearted, that’s a word I’d give to it. That, and wholesome.

All in all, I think that your WONDERFUL art skills and the emotion within, plus the emotion it transmits really do a fantastic and phenomenal job at giving that one artwork its impact and impression. It’s really something I can’t put into words and that I will forever love akjsdlkajg aaah… ;__________;

AND THAT’S THAT. I’M SORRY I BURST INTO A RANT, IT’S JUST- I LOVE THAT WORK SO MUCH OTL

A-aah….and…omg…thank you for thinking that my pseudo is amazing, ahah, aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!!!!!! (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄) Thank you!!!

Also, I get what you mean with checking reblogs in case people put something in the tags. I do that, too, but sometimes I just stop checking because no one ever says a thing and I feel I’m just wasting my time. Which really made me think that the chances YOU checked the tags were so scarce, because a little writer with 20 or 30 tags gets tired sometimes from lack of tag content, and YOU, such a wonderful and skilled artist with 200 or more notes…??? So you probably check more reblogs with no tags, so it was probable you just didn’t check them anymore, which is fine and understandable!!

So it really surprised me that you sent this and let me know that you check them. That speaks so nicely about you…Thank you for taking the time to check the tags, despite knowing that maybe 1 in 15 people will say anything. Thank you, really, for checking them. It makes me so, so, so happy to know that my comments didn’t go to the void, at least now with you…thank you… :’)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AND THANK YOU SO SO SOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FOR THINKING THAT I PUT SO MUCH ENERGY AND LOVE IN MY COMMENTS KLAJSD ALKGJ ADLKG JADLKGJ ADLKGAJD GLKA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Silly as it may sound, sometimes I do put so much energy into things, and I reblog so many things, that it does tire me out? Which is why, when I first reblogged that artwork of yours, I said that about being exhausted. Sorry if it sounds absurd… OTL

So that you notice that I put energy and love into my comments really makes me so, so, soooooooooooooo happy!!!!! OMg, thank you SO MUCH and immensely for acknowledging that!!!!!!!!! My tags most of the time (or so it feels) go to the void, so that you not only read them, but also acknowledge all the hype I put into them, it really means a lot to me!! ZOMG I DON’T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU ASLDKFJG LKAJDG AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH ;w;

Thank you so, so, soooooooooo very and so dearly much for everything, dear artist. Thank you for taking the time to read the tags. Thank you even more for having taken up on my request and having dropped by to let me know that you were reading them. It really means a lot that despite how busy you may be and how much of a small blog I am, you still took the effort to write to me as a reply. Thank you for that, so, so immensely.

Thank you for your time and your attention, and thank you for being so immensely, incredibly kind and sweet with me. Besides a super skilled artist, you behaved with me like an incredible person. Thank you so much for being so nice and so friendly, you, wonderful creature… :’)

Thank you as well for sharing your PHENOMENAL art with us!!!! It’s made me so happy and I’m still marveled by it. Thank you!!!

All in all, thank you for everything, dear artist!!!!

I hope you’re having a MOST PHENOMENAL day or night!! Thank you!!! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ

[roseandpatchouli]

god, i really miss the heydays of tumblr era. any other social media platform isn’t the same. it makes more sense to write candidly and vent here than in a journal or twitter, you don’t need to worry about posting and updating regularly, have an aesthetic theme. plus my handwriting isn’t the same as it used to be. holding a pen is a bit of a struggle regardless of the steadiness of the table. damn these tremors but at least you don’t have to worry about making your profile look aesthetic, have a cool grid, or force yourself to a concise nuance of a 152 word limit on the bird app. and there’s more useful information you can learn on here than twitter or pinterest, tumblr was like the pinterest before pins became became a thing anyway. (i still don’t like the interface pinterest has, it doesn’t have the same nostalgia it gives me of better and simpler times) the best part, hardly anyone i know owns tumblr but i suppose this is a good thing, nobody would call you a social climber for posting every second, or a clout chaser for following people with surprisingly similar interests with you. and the best part? idek anyone who owns a tumblr or uses one, unless it’s to write and / or read smutty fanfics to fill the void of one’s young adult with reader inserts. but i guess, it’s also comforting knowing that there’s no one prying on here, i hope. isince there isn’t anybody following me. there seems to be lesser consequences, at least, here… unless someone finds this and it goes viral. is there a way to private your tumblr? i guess i’m answering my own q here… (2) honestly, i don’t think people really care if you’re a detached sad girl, the whole mental health thing in the early 2000’s was just a trend. it’s just an excuse for their ego for them to be nosy, because when you finally do open up, they snitch on you, and say go get a therapist, stop ruining my reputation??? doesn’t anyone have private accounts where they can vent??? first of all, therapy sessions only happen once a month. and both psych’s recommend i open up to people who i trust, problem is, it’s people who give me emotional distress, and it’s considered “chismis” or “talking shit” or “doing them dirty” fuck it, fuck it all ig. this gen is so contorted and messed up, it’s no surprise they argue as much as they do with their parents. do ya’ll gotta mess with me on my period of rest on social media? my spare time with my friends? like i said therapy only happens once a month and they’ll say the goddamn same thing. and i don’t want to waste poor trees souls on my vents, of day, or people who purposely try to piss me off and should just be insignificant ants to me. funny thing is, i know what they’re doing, they’re trying to fix me by not saying anything. only thing is, the fact that i know prompts me more to say things, because it’s i know that they know, and the know that i know. all my socials just seem to get exposed. even my vents to my so called friends get passed down like that weird game of pass the message we used to play when we were younger. get a therapist they say, but heck i’m already seeing a psychiatrist, who do you think recommended me to them? i’m guessing these peeps don’t know that therapy is not an everyday thing, it’s a once a month sort of process, and in between those moments they actually recommends talking or opening up to people, but how can i when these people immediately assume that me venting is me talking shit about them. It’s as if they have never talked about people they encountered in their lives before? anw, i guess this makes more sense, within the gaps i am not having my sessions with my therapist, it’s also cheaper than spiritually recreational activities that cost a fortune, when u can do that shit yourself. i am a practitioner after all. so, here i am i guess, an apparently a fossil millennial healing her prepubescent teenager by reviving tumblr during it’s y2k era, because there’s only so much nuance one can fill on a twitter thread or disorganized pins you can save on your phone.

[blackbird-brewster]

So glad ur back the jemily nation truly owes you a lot for all the content youve put out there. Taking this time to thank you for (for ur fics especially, they are so well written and thought out) and to appreciate you(i honestly come back to ur masterlist of all jemily things bc its so organized so helpful so thank you thank you)!! I hope the time in between making contents got you well rested and inspired for more bc i cannot wait to see them and support u hahaha. Anyways since ur looking for prompts i got here a list of VERY sad and emo ideas bc i love suffering and hurty/angsty jemily is top tier. Do what you will with them ONLY if youre up to it hahah thank you nevertheless. Much love <333

“What’s the point of trying if it just proves that I’ll never be good enough?” (maybe like em trying to out-battle will and being a lil jealous and jj as repressed as she is keeps getting swayed by will)

“I don’t expect a happy ending. I just want an ending.”(oof this is giving very unrequited love)

“It sucks. Because I want to hate you, but I can’t.”(this one maybe set in jj and wills wedding? a very angry and miserably emily who is hopelessly in love ouch)

“You’re right: I’m a liar. But you can believe me, just this one time.”(aka jj broke emilys heart a million different ways and that one time she tries to fix it but emily is just so tired and broken or idk)

Maybe a very dark multi-chap series will come out of this or a lil oneshot, either way its all up to you!

Anon!?!?!

This is beyond humbling. You literally brought me to tears. This reply will probably be long and rambling but I want you to understand how meaningful this message is.

I have been screaming into the void of the internet since I was about 14 years old (20 years ago!!!). I started with Livejournal when it was still in beta. It was before Facebook. It was before pretty much anything mainstream, in terms of social media. I came out as gay when I was 15. I lived in a small, extremely religious, rural town in Texas and being gay was the most isolating experience. So I took to the internet and I met other people like me. I got introduced to fanfic and fandom and found my people. Finding community online was the first time I didn’t feel alone in the world and it was the first time I reconsidered ending my life. It was the first spark I experienced of ‘it gets better’ — of hope, that my life could be fulfilling and lovely and soft.

I had been watching Criminal Minds since my senior year of high school when it first came out but honestly, I had never thought much about it having a fandom. It just didn’t seem like that type of show to me. But when I started using tumblr regularly in about 2014 (so CM was in about S7?), I just happened across a gif set that was the scene from ‘Children of the Dark’ about ‘You…kids…I could see it’ and it changed the ENTIRE course of my life.

It was as if I was suddenly noticing the most obvious thing ever. Jemily was SO clear all of a sudden. I was staying with my best friends the night this happened and I asked them where they read fanfic. I signed up to AO3 that night and found at that point, there were only 82 Jemily fics.

I started with the trailblazing fic that honestly built the foundation for this ship. ‘Take my hand and show me the way’ by MJDuncan (@mjduncan)

I read the entire thing (both parts) STRAIGHT through over 18 hours. No sleep, no breaks. I just read it and it was like I had found the good gospel.

I became a 100% Criminal Minds/Jemily blog immediately after. And I started writing fic for them.

In one year (2014-2015), the Jemily AO3 tag had gone from 82 to DOUBLE that and about 70% of the new ones were mine, with my bestie (@otahkoapisiakii ) contributing tons too. (We actually met through being Jemily fic authors and we’re still besties today!)

I used my writing to process some of the most traumatic years of my life and I was naturally drawn to writing angsty/sad fics because at that point in my life, I didn’t believe in happy endings. I couldn’t, due to what was going on for me — I didn’t have any hope for a happy ending for myself so I def couldn’t see it in my fic. So I decided to, instead, write messy, emotional fics because that is part of humanity. The real world is rarely happy endings. Real life is messy and awful and hard and traumatic and I don’t think we get to see that in media a lot and I think when media avoids these hardships — it can make people feel alone and isolated. Because it’s so easy to think you are the only one going through something when there’s no media that reflects your experiences. Does that make sense?

It’s the whole reason why diverse representation is SO important. Not only in terms of race, ability, sexuality, gender, etc but also in terms of sharing lived experiences.

For me to write for 7-12 hours a day, cranking out all of these heartbreaking fics was my way of sharing my experiences through characters who felt like best friends. It was so important to me and honestly, I wouldn’t be alive today without this fandom becoming my special interest when it did.

So all of that was to say: Thank you. Thank you for reminding me that all of my experiences, all of my content, all of my writings that I was shouting into the void…mattered. It all mattered. And it still matters because I get comments like this that remind me that my work is still helping people and engaging to people and important.

When I randomly decided a couple of weeks ago to throw myself back into this fandom and to start WRITING again for the first time since 2015,it was TERRIFYING. I was worried no one would want to read what I wrote because now, there's 2000 Jemily fics and I didn't think anyone would even remember me. But people like you have reminded me that people DO remember and it has been the biggest support as I get back into writing fic.

I think we, as humans, have an innate desire to leave some sort of ‘legacy’. And I think people get too caught up on ideas of what type of legacy is valid. But you don’t have to cure cancer or explore space or be a politician or whatever — sometimes, just sharing your stories so that other people feel seen and get reminded that they’re not alone is SO important as a ‘legacy’.

So thank you anon. You just validated so many doubts I’ve struggled with for so many years of my life. I will cherish this message always and forever. I genuinely,from the bottom of my heart, am grateful you took the time to share these words with me.

Thank you.

(PS - ’m going to reply to your prompts on a second post!)