#anyways don’t read this it’s just me puking out words for an hr and a half

[myurucrie]

gonna puke my thoughts about yexuan’s route in the new empire event in cn as well about his new cards, incoherent rambles under the cut because spoilers

Firstly, the event, unlike in global where there’s angst, they’re just being an old married couple in this event, tldr, lil painter followed the coordinates Yexuan left during god forsaken land. And I know to the people I spoiled because I can’t stop yapping, “aren’t they fighting rn after that?” Well, put a pin on that I’ll talk about that later but for now mc gets an avatar from a lower world race called mimir that she can use in the empire, and of course Yexuan immediately finds her and she follows him to his room. I cannot stress this enough, they’re so sweet despite mc having a cat avatar they make me feel ill, they talk in nonsense so to the people they’re trying to fool they look like they’re still fighting, he sticks his face to her cheek and she says how sensitive the whiskers are he performs some sort of high tech magic that makes them have some sensory sharing he cooks food her in the empire and she pretty much sleeps on his room THEM ISTG THEM but basically after Yexuan completely ending everyone in the main story he follows fengyan and then immediately betrays them because he wants to figure how the wheel of time works. The people behind the scenes that invited him to join them is fengyan(oconnor) and baili (darya) and they’re building white city’s eleventh state. Fengyan calls baili “mother” is it because the empire based off the artificial traveler off her? it seems like they want both of them on their side, since they already failed with yexuan, they’re hoping to get mc on their side and have her force him to join as well. Yexuan also talks about how she doesn’t have to help him and that she can go home and she doesn’t have to force herself to help him in which she meows, imitating the meows beanie makes when he doesn’t want to leave, funny and sweet at the same time!!!!!

Now time to talk about their relationship in this story. THEY ARE SO SWEET IT GIVES ME TOOTHACHE. But they did talk about the bumps of their relationship. Lil painter kissing him when they’re finally completely alone going “I finally caught you” is making me giddy and Yexuan asking her if she’s angry and if you choose the “I’m a little bit angry” mc talks about how she doesn’t like how he thinks she’s doing this to appear grown up but she’s not angry at him but angry at herself for being not powerful while the other choice is her talking about how he haven’t showed this side to her and him mostly doing everything alone and both ends about how he wants to be the “perfect eagle” in her eyes but this time he doesn’t have to and wants to help him….THEY CAME SO FAR!!!!!!! ITS MAKING ME SO ILL I!!! I!!!!!!!!

and the story ends with baili and fengyan trying to turn lilpainter against yexuan by showing her that he did betray her by leaking her existence to the empire but they trust each other 100% now that when fengyan pulled off the same trick he did last time where he have a puppet that looks identical to yexuan attack mc you stand still and mc just says the puppet is ugly and they won’t attack each other and if you do attack it she just says that she won’t mistake yexuan with confidence !!!!! I HATE THEM I HA ahem and as that goes it’s revealed that yexuan has been keeping touch via sensory sharing and making it known to her he’s coming and fengyan gets his ass beat with baili just says see you next time. They go to their small world and yexuan acknowledges that his methods might not be the correct way to do it but it’s what he decided he’s gonna do he’s hoping he could protect their sanctuary but not her, but he still loves her very much and they said goodbye, since yexuan can’t go home with her since he has to stay to the empire because even if he did leak the fact that mc exists, he didn’t leak the location of the earth, mc asks if who’s in charge of catching her and yexuan with his shit eating smile says it’s him and immediately goes mom mode, telling her to sleep on time, do not use black plastic spoon while ordering take out and is she misses homework he’s gonna force her to do it in the empire using her cat avatar because yes, she still can use it to visit her so they didn’t lost anything in this event but gained more.

And they say good bye to each other, see you next time

And this!!! Is so!! Important to me!!! Because in the last events mc is always worried about him!!!! To the point she immediately looks for him!!! And even after mist city she has to distract herself when he left to figure out some things!!! Character development!!!!!!

now time to talk about the card

There is two things happening in this card, it tells us what happened to mc after the god forsaken prologue and yexuan pre godheim and before he becomes her guardian

Mc wakes up in a hospital thinking she’s a 6 years old and she has to stay there for 16 days for recovery and in the next bed to her with restraints is yexuan, and when she ask why is he tied up, he says that it’s “maybe better for everyone” but when the doctors comes in the room he disappears and when mc asks where he is they don’t answers but she overhears them say that children like her might need special attention, he comes back later at night they talk but the doctors comes back again because they’re being noisy and he disappears again, do you see the pattern here? They comfort her, talking about how they won’t let anyone harm her and she notices a dark door at the end of the corridor, and the intern fallowing the doctor starts talking about serial killers

Yexuan in the past is in charge of initiating? Of some lower world people into the empire, he’s given monitoring device called ‘cuckoo’ that is sentient but he doesn’t care about, and he walks to the room, calls the people bugs and tells them he’s gonna kill them, people who start complaining stays dead and people who lives get to be empire soldiers, imo this scene shows how he barely cares about people he doesn’t see as “alive” and how prideful he can get.

back to the hospital mc tries to sneak out but fails and hears rumours the room at the end of the hall called “ward zero” , that there is an “alien spy “ locked inside. Mc gets back to her room and yexuan is there, mc asks him if he’s the alien spy and he asks why and touches her hair, and mc comments on that she doesn’t feel scared despite people telling her he’s danger and that’s why he’s restrained.

Yexuan is in Prague in the past to see the astronomical clock, he goes around and decides on on a clock shop owner to sell the corpse of his friend, “cuckoo” and he decides on this guy because he knows the records of this exchange will be destroyed and a week later he hears mc’s mom, former prefect crimson, fei in the radio to come see her and he pretty much gets a sermon because he did that and don’t ever do it again, he observes mc from afar and he has ten years left to finish his task before inheriting the task of taking care mc and his reward

Hospital again mc is getting use to hospital life and, she asks the doctors when she can see her mom and the doctors tell her that someone will pick her up once she recovered, doctor leaves and yexuan appears reading a book about bird watching. Mc asks if he leaves the same time as her and he tells her he cannot leave in which mc says that if he can’t leave because nobody will pick him up, she will do it instead and he says he has no reason. mc changes the topic and asks if he likes birds but he says yes but he’s usually the one who kills them and mc tells thinks that he’s trying to scare her away but she’s not scared and that he always asks her if she’s okay and she asks again if he can come with her but he said no again, no means no and once she gets out of here she will not want to see him again. Mc says that her decision will not change but Yexuan warns her of saying forever without knowing the whole story and he talks about that like the birds outside, “cuckoo” might not mean the arrival of spring and it might be a shrike instead, a merciless bird of prey who’s good at imitation. He then talks about if you are certain you want to leave with me, what about in the future, once she finds out that he’s the one who harmed her?

Yexuan wakes up in a dream where he sees prefect crimson interrogating the people who broke into their home that killed mc’s dad, this so prefect crimson’s ability, he then tells her that using his abilities he sees that mc will get hit by a truck while she’s coming home from school and he tells her ways how he can prevent it but fei tells him to stop it and it’s not part of his mission, and that his task is to let lil painter to grow up as a normal human and she tells him to travel around this earth, 2 years passes by and he returns back to fei, a day before the accident. Yexuan tries to convince her to intervene that mc might die but fei tells him that he’s not in anyway involved with the accident. They watch and fei tells him that someone told her that he doesn’t care about anything and that this is odd

we’re back to the hospital, Yexuan is telling lil painter this story but she says that she doesn’t remember any car accidents feels like it’s not something that happened recently, and feels like he’s talking about the past and feels that she’s not supposed to be a kid, Yexuan tells her not to worry and she’ll remember everything once she’s out and and if she wants to leave she should stop seeing him and mc says whatever he did to her she forgives him and he says that’s not what he means and that if she’s mentally okay she would not be here to meet him that one day she needs to grow up and mc wants to nod to him but then thinks about how they probably did not meet for the first time in the ward

Yexuan tries to intervene but fei tells him to stop and tells him mc might get hurt but still come out safe and tells fei that he’s hasn’t seen this possibility, they talk about yexuan’s cuckoo and how he did not attempt to save it and executed it instead because he deducted that cuckoo, who used to be someone from a lower world will kill the general Yexuan is helping back then, fei tells him that he’s conceited and does he want to take the role of a god? He just tells her that it’s just an ability and there is a few people that can break it and fei says that lil painter is one of them but not her

Mc asks yexuan what disease he has and he says he has none and mc says then why are you here and that he’s lying but he just says that he’s living here, he’s still reading the bird watching guide book and she asks if he’s was a bird breeder and he says that he took care of two birds but he had a friend that is a bird breeder mc then asks if what happens to the elementary school girl in the story and he continues about how the little girl grew up became a mature adult and met his younger self, even having a small world. Mc calls him a liar and that of it’s a story about them then she would be already out of here but yexuan tells her that she’ll grow up soon, he disappears and a doctor tells her that she’ll be out soon

Yexuan talks about how mc is one of the few people who are beyond his deduction range and how he should take care of her. Should he stay away? Another way? Should he follow his predecessor and go through the wrong path? He wants to tell the story of the cuckoo clock to mc one day but he knows that he cannot be the cuckoo that calls for spring that a part of him is destined for the long winter and that lil painter is different because she reminds of him of seedlings, the tender beaks birds. He thinks about how lil painter approaches him and choices he did not expect and realizes that he doesn’t need to freeze anything to keep her stable, he then discovers that the changes from his deduction doesn’t instant destruction and allows him to side with destruction calmly allowing everything to operate naturally

Finally it’s mc’s last day in the hospital but yexuan is nowhere to be found, and so she decides to sneak out and look for him, and she finds him in ward zero where he tells her she should not be here. They’re back in the original ward and he tells her that he wanted to say good bye. Lil painter realizes that she had been here for 16 days, on day one she was a 6 yr old and if one day counts as a year she should be around the age where people graduate collage and then she finally remembers what happened and why she’s here, the car accident did not happen, she remembers the giant scythe and the bloody snowfield and she felt pain because she doesn’t want him to leave and yexuan apologize and that he doesn’t want to make her sad. He talks about how the car accident is just his imagination on how he can control and make her safe. AND YES THIS IS ABOUT GODHEIM and about how in the end he let it happen, he let the car pass. When he stands against her it’s not to deliberately to go against her will, it’s because his trust on her gives him the confidence he needs, he doesn’t need to make a perfect safe utopia for her and chooses to let reality happen. He’s the older eagle who wants to see the child grow up but doesn’t want to see her go through The rain and the wind alone so he can only accompany it and suffer. Mc talks about how she wants to be a kid so she can willfully pester yexuan everyday like this and he tells her if she wants to the he can but mc tells her that she wants to see him go off his own and he says that they might not go the same way right now there destination is the same. He says goodbye to her, see you later

Longest summary I every typed BUT ITS JUST THAT GOOD IT BOTH SHOWS THEIR CHARACTERS DEVELOPMENT AND HAVE A FEW LORE DROPS ABOUT FEI AND ITS MAKES SENSE THAT THEY WILL MADE UP THAT WAY THEY MAKE ME WANNA EXPLODE THEY MAKE MY BRAINROT MUCH MORE WORSE I AM SK ILL ABOUT THEM

[starrstudyblr]

26th March 2021

Day 08/100 of productivity

Is it even a productive day if u did nothing. I "accidentally" took a two hr nap today (in my defence i had cramps). And i thought I'll just lie down for a few min and bam!! Its 6 sth in the evening suddenly.

Once a friend ( insta frnd tho i don't use it anymore but that story is for another day maybe) compared taking an afternoon nap to the feeling of waking up as if you had died and it was hilarious then but istg it did feel like that today lol.

Idk if anyone has read Throne of Glass but remember when aelin pukes when she got back on her cycle. I thought how is that possible. But a couple of years ago i had terrible cramps and i hate taking meds so i didn't day a word and then suddenly it got so much worse i actually vomited. Moral of the story: pls take meds don't be an idiot like me.

I was reading midnight sun. Like i read a lot today and I'm liking it. I know a lot of ppl hate it but I can't. I'll explain that later(or not maybe if i feel like it). I relate a lot to Bella. She is clumsy, virgo( mine is close to hers), a booknerd, exceptionally kind(like she does things which i would do and ppl say I'm kind if not exceptionally. I'm not trying to boast or anything), and i too prolly fall in love with a vampire(i can't remember what else traits i found similar but there were.

Anyways it is getting longer than necessary. So i just did some optics today. Studied 2 and a half hr. And now I'm gonna read some more then sleep .

I hope no one reads this since i am not on insta these days i have to take out everything somewhere *sigh*

[sixbillionstars]

Before Game of Thrones and the newest Star Wars films, flights to Iceland only left from Denver, Washington DC, Baltimore, or New York. When I learned that the voyage embarks from Port of Hamburg, I figured I’d be flying into Berlin. And after years of watching closely for new United States destinations between the two main Icelandic airlines, this made my heart sing knowing full well St. Louis had recently become a Wow Air destination with cheap flights to many European cities, and of course... stopovers in Iceland on the way.

I won’t go much into how long I had anticipated this experience, however I will say it was a painful wait. First it was celebrities one by one slowly making their way as it grew appealing to more and more travelers suddenly during my freshman year of college and onward. Then it was friends who happened to have stopovers, who could afford it before me, or who were nearer to new departure cities before me... In those ways it was thrilling to feel inches and inches closer all these years. I even had a whole trip planned once to visit Iceland by myself to celebrate the New Year and hang out a week before and after. For a plethora of important reasons I had to cancel that trip, which to this day I still stand behind. So sadly, the most suitable and affordable window of time I had to work with to be in Iceland this time around was twenty hours, since it was a stopover, but a solid twenty hours we spent. An old friend used to joke all the time, “what if you go and absolutely hate it?” which was a possibility I have weighed heavily, even after countless hours over the years reading entire wikipedia pages of tiny, unpronounceable coastal villages with their black sands and fjords, delving into Vimeo videos of Icelandic scenery, and my favorite, the man in a lopapeysa sweater teaching you how to knit. I knew damn well I’d have to come back after such a short time even if it did turn out not so ideal. But after a seven year wait, I am happy to announce that it truly was everything I could have hoped for and even so much more. Maybe because I already knew where to look, or at least where I wanted to look, or maybe it really was calling me all this time.

I was taught a German expression today "Knapp daneben ist auch vorbei” which means, “coming close is the same as missing it.” It’s been circling my mind like an echo of congratulations from the void for just finally being able to do the damn thing.

It is now late into Thursday, our second day in Berlin. Yesterday was spent locating our Airbnb, experiencing jetlag, showering, etc... completely pretty much rebirthing ourselves after twenty hours with none of the checked luggage I truly thought the Keflavik airport would let me access during that amount of time.

I can’t exit this post though without telling a couple of the stories from those hours (and some pictures!) It was by far the most eventful twenty hours of my life...

As soon as we landed, it was time to grab the rental car. I picked out a lovely whatever the car was. At first the reservation said manual shift, which was exciting because I learned to drive on a manual but also I knew the Icelandic roads would be more vulnerable to drivers so I wasn’t sure how revisiting a skill like that there would go. Luckily we ended up with an automatic somehow anyway. Since the Wow air flights are so cheap, they get off by charging passengers for every other thing including meals, so I had not eaten since Missouri by this point (mainly because I wanted to sleep). I felt weak and tired at the rental counter so I asked my friend Alicia to get me something at the cafe nearby. She came back with the first food we were to behold: a caprese panini, but instead of panini bread, it was the body of Christ or something. I apologize to anyone that offends--I mean it in the sense that it was cracker bread meant specifically for religious purposes and not to feed a malnourished traveler. Don’t get me wrong, it tasted good, however the depth of my ketosis and the richness of the pesto was too much. Literally as I stood at the counter facing my first ever Icelandic stranger and transaction, I felt the sudden urge to vomit and ran to the nearest trashcan while Alicia had to sign everything for me in a VERY crowded airport. I don’t think any of us knew how to react honestly, though the woman at the counter was very sweet and brought us bottled waters after seeing my pale sweaty face, despite not totally knowing how to ask if I was okay in English.

Getting to Þingvellir was not an issue, however the drive there involved more of the previous situation sadly. While the girls caught up on sleep, I found our way out of Keflavik onto the highway and quickly back off of it after having tried a couple more bites of the Jesus panini. The first time around I wasn’t entirely sure if it was that was what made me ill or just all of the conditions at once. This time I knew it was that. There was nowhere to even pull over as all of the road space in Iceland is very carefully planned, with roundabouts every few blocks and signs placed not too often or too scarcely. So I stopped in the middle of the road out of sheer desperation -- one of the few very crucial things I had JUST been told you’re not supposed to do with an Icelandic car. I had already begun out the window as I drove simply because my mind was already racing for options. What is the best way here - puking on myself and cleaning that up? No - my luggage I thought I could have today is on its way to Germany. Puking solely into the car? Hell to the no - I don’t care if I bought the insurance, we have the whole route ahead of us and back. Okay well in the time it took to ask myself those questions, all of the above happened anyway. Everywhere. Alicia and Morgan immediately woke up of course and without judgment scrambled into their things for a new shirt and pants for me, helped me clean the car, et cetera, alllllll while locals were angrily and confusedly passing me on this tiny exit I had chosen under the impression it was low-trafficked. Did I mention I chose not to wear underwear on this day of all days? Yes. In my first hour in Iceland I was forced to change BUTT NAKED pretty much on the side of the highway. Needless to say, we threw the Jesus panini away as if it was the one ring to rule them all.

Þingvellir was breathtaking. Every little plant, moss, lichen, dewdrop was so quietly and calmly welcoming. The wall of boxy-looking rocks you may have seen in Games of Thrones was to the left of this photo, with its waterfalls and all. It was confusing finding the dive spot where our snorkel tour was, but once we arrived all of our sorrows were gone. First we met Luis, a cheery Mexican from Cancun, then Manuel the French man who helped us into our dry suits, and then Juan from Madrid was our guide through the crevice of the opening between the Eurasian and North American tectonic plates.

The moment I entered the water my heartbeat changed for good, not just because of the chilling 2*C temperature, but because it was then I realized I was really, really there. Until that moment, it was all a dream. Simply putting my mask down to see what was below... I still cannot find the words. Our suits were designed to keep us warm, so the crystal clear stream swept us and this rad Australian couple in our group gently along the divide as if it were a lazy river. Silfra is the only spot on Earth where one can touch two plates at once, and I cannot emphasize enough that the land itself gives you that vibe alone, whether you do the tours or not. For as long as I live I don’t think I could forget how it felt to lay completely still on top of the water looking down, like just another little seagull feather or algae, feeling one with the whole damn country.

Finally.

After a pit stop at a petrol station for edible food and something to make the car smell better, we rerouted from planning a drive all the way to Vik (3.5 hrs there and back) to just spending the time comfortably in Reykjavik where we could get back to the airport by 3am, when the rental was due, and for our flight at 6am.

Downtown was as quaint and beautiful as I had imagined, though of course a completely different layout than what I originally pictured. This happened in New Mexico too when I moved there after a year of picturing the places where my friends’ stories from their phone calls were playing out. We found a cute bar to meet locals in called the Smokin’ Puffin, which turned out to have just opened three weeks prior. Made many friends, including Moe the bartender/plant geneticist from Iran, and Joanne, a bubbly expat from the UK.

Hallgrimskirkja and the walk to it however was the crowning jewel of the evening, with apartment windows all open, most of them displaying cute decorations and cats and succulents of all colors and sizes peering out.

I knew it was a rather large church, I suppose I was not prepared for just how large. Walking past the infamous Leifur Eriksson statue to approach the entrance with its tiered architecture and powerfully rhetorical lighting, I lost my breath again. It was a bittersweet goodbye, though I am nearly grateful we did not stay overnight so I couldn’t get too attached to Iceland’s physical presence.

Was honestly just taking a photo of this sweet cat, and realized its owner was behind him drawing. I almost cried.

Moe’s specialty cocktail: coffee martini :)

Me in my very attractive after-puke outfit with this handsome Iranian plant geneticist bartender who was really sweet to me anyway.

<3

[assholemurphy]

so, i’m dying.

lol, not rly. except, yeah, kinda.

my gallbladder has finally fucked itself into a coma and only wakes up to force me to projectile vomit myself into oblivion whenever i consume solids. and on occasions, liquids, if it’s rly cranky. that’s my life now.

i have managed to eat 2 hot pockets, some chips, abt 8 jalepeno poppers, and three eggrolls (and keep them down) in the past 2 weeks. all that i’ve been able to keep down has happened in the past 24hrs. i’m not sure how i managed it, tbh, but it wasn’t without a fight. other than that, i have not digested anything but liquids in the past 2 weeks. i cannot think straight, i can barely form words in my head, let alone say them out loud. this is not fun and i don’t like it. it was one thing to choose not to eat (tho, rly, with an ed, it wasn’t exactly a choice, ya feel?) and to choose to purge, but now that i have no choice at all, i’m so fucking pissed off. like, part of me is happy bc i’ve lost 5lbs already, even with being bloated from constant puking, but like, more of me just wants to survive so i can work on my goddamn finals. which are all due this week. and none of them are done. (except the one that was due last week, managed to do that one, luckily).

pretty boy took me to the er on sun night bc i can’t keep anything down and it’s only gotten worse since they released me. we got there right as the docs were changing shifts, so the first doc was rly narcissistic and full of himself and the second he heard me say ‘i’ve got atypical anorexia b/p subtype’ he was like, ‘ah, yes, it’s all in your head, this is your fault’ which even made pb annoyed bc he apparently can tell the difference between what’s currently going on and my (his words, not mine) ‘crash diets’. but he was p sure the doc didn’t like me bc i called my primary doc (who was supposed to get me scheduled for an ultrasound to get this taken care of almost 2 months ago but didn’t bc he didn’t believe me when i said (having opinions from 2 previous docs) i had gallbladder issues, so he ignored it) an idiot for, ya know, ignoring me when i told him something was wrong. but docs are assholes, they don’t like it when you’re right abt something they can’t see themselves. so i’m switching primary docs asap. this guy’s a fucking joke.

(it’s also been almost three weeks since the pharmacy faxed him paperwork abt the insurance company not wanting to pay for my adderall prescript bc i take 3 pills a day and they only wanna pay for 90 in 75 days (yeah, not even 2 pills a day, like this shit doesn’t work for five hours max). he still hasn’t filled it out. it’s fucking finals week and i’ve got maybe 6 pills left. how fucking grand. so that’s gotta be sorted at the same time he gets me a surgeon’s appt.)

so the guy had me pee in a cup and gave me fluids/anti nausea meds (which were nice, helped me keep down a bit of food sun night). then he basically told me ‘it’s just cyclic vomiting, you’ve just got to break the cycle’ but he was leaving so he was going to let the next guy discharge me. thank fucking god, bc otherwise, i’d probably be dead in a couple weeks.

so this next guy is eccentric af, this whole hospital is a circus, it’s fucking great (no sarcasm, i love quirky ppl). he checks out my cup of pee and orders some blood tests (that the other guy didn’t even care to do), then he comes in and talks to me and he’s fucking great, a+ doctoring, love this guy, sadly, he doesn’t have a private practice, but apparently the nurses get asked if he does all the time. how do i know? my mother asked, bc she liked him. i trusted him. i trust no docs, ever. but this one is good. he says there’s def something wrong, def not just my ed, and orders me an ultrasound for the next morning. good, great, getting this show on the road. he understands my concerns abt my primary doc and offers to explain the results of the ultrasound to my mother via phone mon night. so she calls, he tells her i’ve got ‘sludge and wall thickening’ which are Bad(tm) esp in combination with me not being able to eat anything for over a week and a half.

so, now i’ve got to talk to a surgeon and get my gallbladder removed. as i fucking figured i’d need months ago (during the summer, with my pain and stuff). now this vomiting thing has been happening at least once a semester for abt 2 years now. no one has known what is wrong. ‘it’s acid reflux, take these pills’ ‘these pills don’t work’ ‘welp, idk ^.^’ and so forth for 2. fucking. years. now i’ve got confirmation that my gallbladder is bad. like ‘could explode and kill me’ bad. this is great, i can finally get something done abt this.

except.

except it’s finals week and no only am i running v low on adderall (i just took a pill for the first time since fri morning just a few hours ago) and i’m now fatigued and unable to eat with 4 projects left to do. all of which require a fuckton of concentration. concentration i just don’t have even with the adderall bc i haven’t actually eaten much food lately and can’t fucking think at all. like, every time i eat, it comes right back up.

so, i’ve been sleeping a lot. great, right? except for ya know, all the work i’ve got? nope. i can’t sleep for longer than 4 hours without having night terrors. like BAD ones. i’d tell you abt the one i had when i slept last (from 5:30p to 8:30p) but it would require a whole host of trigger warnings just to give a summary. but it fucked me up badly. and they’ve been getting progressively worse. i dreamed my dog died. i dreamed my apartment was possessed and the demon was trying to kill me. i’ve dreamed of animal abuse and murder and even worse things that leave me fucking shaking when i wake up. but i’m so tired that i keep falling asleep anyway, no matter how scared i am. and i stay asleep, until my alarm goes off, then i shut it off and fall asleep again (into a different night terror). there is no stopping this. my body is dying and it’s telling my brain i’m in danger so my brain is trying to scare me. it’s working. i’m well aware i’m in danger but there’s nothing i can do until my mom sets up a surgeon’s appt for me. i’ve got to remind her to do that tomorrow. i’d do it myself, but i’m far to fucking out of it currently to talk to a medical professional in any capacity.

but throughout all of this, i’m falling further and further behind on my final projects. i’ve got a 10min play analysis due tomorrow at 10:30a (which i’ve got to work on tonight). then i’ve got to finish my stagecraft project (which requires that i go to the shop 3 more times so i’ve got to do that at like 11a tomorrow, then 12p thurs, then like 7p thurs, but i’ve got to find a shop employee to go with me, apparently, and i’d take goldilocks, but she obvs doesn’t want to do it, so i might ask pb or mary, if i have to). then i’ve got to do my monologue assignments for acting i (i’ve got one almost fully memorized, i just need to refresh, but i’ve got to memorize another one, read the play it’s from (i’ve got to buy the ebook), and do an analysis over it before thurs at 10:30a). then my intro to theatre final is due last, but it’s p big and i’ve got to do a lot for it. like 7pg paper plus a ‘previous action’ script (i’ve got to write up a script showing what happened before the play itself starts). i’ve got a SHITTON of work to do and only 9 hours for the sa final, then 24 hrs for the acting i final, then 26 hrs for the itt final, and somehow i’ve got to find at least 3 hours for my sc final. all while trying to get sleep and not eating anything.

plus i’ve still got to do some loan stuff with finaid this week.

i emailed my profs telling them what’s going on, but they’re not going to accept any late finals, so idk why i bothered. (i haven’t heard back bc i just emailed them like, an hour ago and it’s 1a). i CANNOT fuck up this semester bc i won’t get finaid anymore if i do and i can’t drop out. so like, i’ve got to get everything together, but i’m just so fucking sick and everything is overwhelming. i’m going to do my damnedest to get everything done, but idk if i’ll be able to. i rly don’t know.

i’m so fucking stressed over this shit, which is only making my gallbladder issues worse, so it’s a losing battle all around and i’m drowning. honestly, if i had the money, i’d pay for someone to do this for me, but i can’t and i wouldn’t anyway bc like, i’m not putting my name on anything i didn’t do myself out of some bullshit pride thing i’ve got going on. my pride’s gonna get me killed one day, i just know it.

but, tonight, i’m gonna work on my script analysis final and pray to god i can get it done in time. i’ve got like 2 hours left on my adderall, maybe 3 if i push it. i need to make a plan of attack for everything and get to work.

i’m not going to fail this semester if it fucking kills me. and it actually might.