#anyways don’t have time for many rambles lol hope you guys enjoy!!

[psychovigilantewrites]

It's Been Awhile

Pairing: Jason Todd/Reader

Word Count: 5,500

Rating: Explicit, there is sex, R18

Summary: Reader visits Jason after some time.

Masterlist | Ao3

A/N: Hey guys! It's been awhile, hasn't it. Sorry it's not a Red Who update, but I promise I have not abandoned it yet.

I am extremely rusty, because I haven't been reading nor writing much lately. I have a full time job now, and I'm on my way to paving my career. I still think of you guys a lot, though. So thank you so much for sticking with me till now. To the new followers, you won't see much activity here, but I will return from time to time to post or scroll or check up on things.

I'm so rusty that a 5000 word count felt so long to me. I remember when I was churning like, 12k word count within a week. Lol, I would love to try that out again. Anyway, enough rambling. I hope you all enjoy! This is the most I've written in a while.

You kicked an empty beer can aside and heard its metallic clink against the brick wall as you walked down the narrow alley.

From all the years you spent in alleyways, you got used to the smell and the suspicious puddles. It was dimly lit, the only light source coming from the apartment windows above you. You stopped below the fire escape and jumped, hands grasping the end of the metal ladder to pull it down so you could climb up.

You counted the floors. Four, seven… twelfth. You stopped a floor below your target so you could carefully creep up to the thirteenth. You peeked through your target’s opened window carefully. His apartment was brightly lit and clean. You noticed all the surfaces like the coffee table at the centre of the living room, and the small dining table at the far side of the apartment near the main entrance, were clear of any clutter or stains. The light grey sofa near the window where you were at looked new, with fluffed cushions arranged on the seats along with a beige throw blanket.

Your target had his bare back facing you, standing at the kitchen where he was putting away the dishes in the overhead cabinet. He was shirtless, so you could see the muscles of his back ripple and flex when he reached above his head. You climbed through the window silently and entered his apartment.

“Hello there-” you started, but immediately ducked to avoid the flying mug aimed at you but missing and crashed into pieces behind you. “Wow, rude.”

“Christ,” Jason swore when he realised who you were. “What the fuck? You scared the shit outta me.”

You grinned at him. “Not my fault you’re losing your touch. You really didn’t hear me?”

“I was never able to hear you, you know that,” he scowled and crossed his arms while walking towards you. “Take off your shoes, you’re dragging dirt all over my house.”

“Not until you clean up the glass.”

“Fine,” he rolled his eyes, grabbing a broom to sweep away the shards.

You sat down on his sofa. An awkward silence passed.

“So,” you looked around his apartment. It was familiar because you’ve been there so many times before, but he had obviously done some rearranging and bought new furniture. There were definitely more books on his shelf now. “It’s been a while.”

“Yeah.”

“Around… six months?”

“Without any messages or phone calls,” he frowned, looking at the floor that was now clean and clear.

“Jason,” you groaned, “You know I couldn’t.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he sighed, putting aside the dustpan. “It’s just- it was hard not knowing whether you were safe or not.”

“You think undercover has been easy for me too?” you demanded.

“I know it hasn’t- look, I don’t want to argue,” he admitted. He sat down on the sofa next to you. You felt the sofa dip at his weight. “I’ve been undercover too. I know how hard it is. I was just worried.”

You looked at him. His thick eyebrows were pulled down in a frown, his icy blue eyes staring at you intensely. He had a bruise that was healing on the upper corner of his left cheekbone, and a fresh new cut on his lower lip.

“You’re my best friend. You’re the only one I’ve known the longest. Not knowing whether you were dead or alive does things to a person,” he stressed.

“Well, I’m here now. Alive. And demanding you get me some liquor,” you winked.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise, but complied. “Since when did you start drinking casually?”

You hesitated. “Since Elisa.”

“I have whiskey, bourbon, gin, tequila and beer,” he listed the contents of his liquor cabinet.

“Gin, soda and lime, please,” you ordered. Jason immediately got to work, making you your cocktail. “Bring the bottle here as well. I might want a top up.”

He raised an eyebrow as he served you and put the bottle of gin down on the coffee table.

“Aww, you even put a little lime wedge. Cute,” you teased and sipped. “Yep, I was right. Did you always used to make your drinks this weak?”

“You never complained before,” he replied, watching you pour a little more gin in your glass. “The drinks in Cuba must be strong.”

You paused, lips still on the rim of the cup. Silence fell again, before you shrugged. “I’ve taken quite a liking to rum.”

You dug through the sling bag pouch you had across your body and took out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Jason protested.

“Uh, I’m lightshing a shigarette,” you answered with the cigarette already on your lips.

“One, no smoking in my house,” he snatched the cigarette from you and threw it on the table, “ Two, did Elisa smoke too?”

“She didn’t and then she did,” you scowled, “How long have you quit?”

“Four months,” he said, “I use these now. It’s helped a lot. I suggest you do the same.”

He took out a bright pink cylindrical metal tube with a straw-like tip from the pocket of his sweatpants and sucked the end. He exhaled a thick cloud of white mist that smelled of-

You burst into laughter.

“What?” he huffed.

“I’m sorry, but right now I’m just imagining bumping into you in a dark alleyway, all big and muscly, with your leather jacket and combat boots, and suddenly you smell like- what’s that, watermelon?”

“Yeah, so what?” he pouted, “I don’t even have the urge to smoke anymore.”

“You’re right, that’s good,” you smiled, “I’m proud of you.”

“Whatever,” he rolled his eyes, “So, what are you doing here? You back for good?”

“Officially, my role in the mission has ended,” you explained, “But I might have to go back from time to time… And…”

“You’re leaving again?” he guessed solemnly.

You pursed his lips and looked at him. “How much do you know about what I was doing?”

“Not much,” he began, “Just that you were undercover in Cuba, leading some sort of coup?”

“Not exactly leading a coup,” you corrected, “I was hired by a private organisation to infiltrate and, uh, get rid of corrupted leaders internally, and replace them with clean people so that the citizens can have a chance at improving the country.”

“So… American intervention to reestablish democracy and change regimes?” Jason smirked, “Like Cuba in the sixties? Bolivia, Ghana, Angola, and my personal favourite, Iraq?”

“It’s not like that,” you defended, “And not American. Not CIA. Not United Nations. Jason, these people are real. They have no other agenda but to give people freedom. We’re made of many countries and nationalities- mostly third world whose countries have been ravished by colonialism and intervention. Think Che Guevara, but bigger. Richer. Way richer. More organized. They’ve been recruiting ex-agents and spies, people who can’t be blackmailed or bribed with money. People who care about change.”

“So that’s what you’ve been doing?” he realised, “Been playing Spy Kids with communists.”

“We’re not calling ourselves that,” you argued, “And we’re not going for the communist revolution. We want to go for a more organic change.”

“Why are you telling me all this?” he sighed in defeat.

“Because… I want you to come with me next,” you positioned your body to fully face him, crossing your legs on the sofa.

“What?” he asked incredulously, “And what, abandon Gotham?”

“Gotham doesn’t need people like you and me, Jay,” you whispered, “It needs Batman, and Nightwing, and Robin, and all of them. Gotham needs hope. People like us don’t belong here.”

“People like us?”

“You know what I mean,” you said sternly, “Our skills are needed and appreciated elsewhere.”

Another moment of silence of you and Jason just glaring at each other. You saw the way Jason’s eyes examined your expression, your body language. He knew you were completely serious about this.

You broke eye contact and took a few sips of your drink, feeling the contradictory refreshment and burn.

“Just think about it. You have time. I’m on a decently long break before going to the next mission,” you leaned back against the cushion and closed your eyes, “Mmm, I want to go to a nice spa. Get some new clothes. Watch movies. Source for some cool gadgets from Bruce. Spend some time with the family.”

“For how long?”

“A couple of months.”

You heard Jason sigh again. That’s how it was with Jason. Just constant sighing.

“Fine, I’ll think about it.”

You opened your eyes and looked at him. “Really?”

He was looking down into his own cocktail. “I don’t think I can go another six months not knowing what the fuck you’re doing, where you are, whether you’re dead or alive. So, yes. I’ll fuckin’ think about it.”

You felt bad. From the moment you told him you were leaving to go undercover, from the moment you went silent, you felt immensely guilty for leaving him. It was your first time without contact with him, and hell, it was difficult for you too. He was your first friend, your first family. Your life would not have been your life without Jason Todd.

“Hey,” you said softly, reaching out to his face to make him look at you. “I missed you.”

He simply stared. He looked like he was struggling to say something, or struggling to stop himself from saying something.

Then, he looked away. “So, how was it?”

“Pretty fucking cool,” you admitted, relaxing back into your usual self. “I felt like I was in a movie. Being undercover without anyone knowing sucks ass, though. Couldn’t be myself. Couldn’t do whatever I wanted to do, say whatever I wanted to say. Fuck, it was so hard. That’s when the drinking started.”

He chuckled. “Liar.”

“Excuse me?” you turned to him.

“Liar,” he stated, “That’s not how the drinking started. Something happened.”

“A lot of things happen when you’re undercover, Jason,” you snapped.

“I’m just saying,” he smirked, “You may have gotten used to lying to everyone around you. But you can’t lie to me.”

You hated how right he was.

“Put on some tunes,” you demanded, “Like I said, I couldn’t be myself. So tonight, I am going to drink and I am going to do whatever I want, and say whatever I want.”

“And as always, I’m the victim,” he groaned.

“Hush, you love it,” you giggled.

Jason stood up, grumbling. “Just take off your damn shoes.”

You complied, kicking off your boots and placed them away against a wall. Jason had always been so neat and tidy, so you respected that whenever you were in his space. He was extremely particular about hygiene as well. You were used to having your shoes off in his house, to him sanitizing his hands whenever he took off his gloves, to him always wiping surfaces with isopropyl alcohol.

He was always so well groomed too, and you never needed to worry about toiletries whenever you stayed at his. Whatever you needed, or hell, didn’t need, he had them. You remembered when you were teens and you were complaining about acne. He taught you all about skincare, haircare. About shaving versus waxing. About scrubbing between your toes and behind your ears when you shower.

And Jason showered every single day, since he was always engaged in physical activities.

And because of that, Jason always smelled so fucking good.

You caught a whiff of the scent you were so familiar with when he sat back down next to you after turning on the speakers and grabbing two bags of chips. He smelled like the cologne he wore, which was a deep pine scent with undertones of chocolate and sage. It mixed well with the refreshing raspberry of his shampoo.

“You met Grayson yet?” he ran his fingers through his hair.

“Mmm?” you mumbled, still lost in his scent. “No. You’re the first.”

“Good,” he grumbled back.

“Didn’t want to make you jealous or anything,” you giggled, poking his cheek.

He swatted away your hand, but a small smile played on his lips. “Dunno what you’re talking about.”

You wanted to retort, but let it go and took another big gulp from your glass. You topped the ice with some more gin and squeezed the lime in. Talking about Jason’s weird competitive streak with Dick would always end up with Jason sulking. You felt a little tipsy already.

“Hmm,” you hummed. And then, you had a brilliant idea. You stood up and you took your tight black t-shirt off, leaving you in your black bra.

“Why are you stripping?” Jason raised his voice.

“It’s summer, and it’s hot,” you shrugged, sitting back down closer to him. He was also shirtless, and you felt the heat radiating off his skin. “And it’s not like you haven’t seen me naked before.”

“It’s different when you’re bleeding from a stab wound and I’m pouring vodka on it,” he retorted.

“Whatever,” you scoffed, “ And you know what? This place was a smoking area before I left. And I told you that tonight, I’m going to be doing whatever I want. So.”

You reached forward to your pack of cigarettes Jason threw on the coffee table, but he grabbed your hand.

“Nuh-uh. No.”

You glanced at his grip on your wrist and back up at him. “You really want to do this, Todd?”

His expression changed to some sort of smug look that he always had when presented with a challenge. “Let’s see whether Cuba made you rusty, then.”

You smirked at him. And then, you swung your other fist towards his face, but he blocked your punch with the palm of his free hand.

You lifted yourself off the couch and used your body weight and momentum to catch him off his balance. It worked, he was on the floor, but he was so strong and it was difficult to free your arms from his grip.

So, you played dirty.

You carefully kneed his groin. Gently. You didn’t want to actually hurt him. Just to discombobulate him.

Jason swore, and his grip on you loosened just a teeny tiny bit. But that was all you needed to release yourself by twisting his arm to an angle that forced him to turn his body face down to the floor.

You continued twisting.

“Ow, ow, ow!” He complained.

“Do you yield?” You breathed.

“Yes! I yield, holy shit,” he whined.

You released him and greeted him with a shit eating grin when he propped himself back up. You had always been the better fighter. Even though Jason was bigger and stronger, you were more lithe, fast, and flexible. You used momentum, anatomical range of motion, and precise techniques in your martial art. That’s why you were always silent and could sneak up on him. That’s why you used to be the stealthy assassin, while Jason favoured loud guns and explosives.

“You know you will lose, yet you always challenge me,” you pointed out, “That’s why I think you’re a brat.”

“Like a spoiled kid?” he said, “Since when?”

“Not in that context,” you rolled your eyes. “Like, in bed.”

“Huh?” Jason sat down and looked up at you with genuine confusion. You joined him on the sofa again. This time, he didn’t stop you from lighting your cigarette. You inhaled. You exhaled.

“You know, like you have the dominant and the submissive,” you started to explain, “A brat is under the submissive category.”

“The hell?” he protested, “I am not submissive.”

“Maybe at first,” you smirked slyly, slowly closing the gap between you and him. “That’s what a brat is. You like to fight. You’re stubborn. You like to say no. But ultimately, you want to betamed.”

To make a point, you crawled towards him and boldly straddled his waist.

“Wh-what- what the fuck are you doing?” Jason sputtered, a blush creeping onto his cheeks.

“That’s why you like to fight me, right?” you continued, resting one palm flat on his bare chest, your other on his shoulder while you held your cigarette. “You want me to make you submit.”

You blew smoke onto his face.

“Stop that,” he gripped the side of your arms, “Did Cuba make you flirty too?”

“I always flirt with you.”

“Not like this,” he shook his head. “What, did Elisa have to seduce men? Women?”

“Unfortunately, no,” you pouted, “Elisa had to keep things strictly professional between all her assets.”

The truth was you couldn’t stop thinking about him.

“So, it’s been a while,” he stated.

“It’s been a while,” you agreed. “How about you? Any women? Men?”

“Please,” he scoffed, “Just Grayson being an ass.”

“So, it’s been a while for you, too,” you teased.

“But I’m not a perv like you,” he huffed.

“We can change that,” you leaned in closer, watching the way he had subtly wet his lips, thinking you wouldn’t notice.

“Stop,” he repeated, “You’re drunk.”

“Not drunk enough to make you yield.”

“I don’t want you to do anything you’re going to regret in the morning,” he pressed.

“Why would you think I’m going to regret anything?” You asked.

“Because you’ve never done this before,” he frowned, “This is coming out of nowhere.”

You’ve been pining for him ever since you hit puberty.

“Do you think you’re going to regret it in the morning?”

He looked away from your intense, questioning gaze. “I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

That was the reason you gave yourself for so long. You didn’t want to tell Jason how you felt because you were scared he wouldn’t see you the same anymore. Or that he would feel self-conscious around you. That he would reject you. That because of your selfish feelings, your relationship would be ruined.

You put out the cigarette in your glass.

“When I was Elisa Martinez,” you began slowly, “I couldn’t be myself, obviously. I couldn’t drink my favourite drink, or watch my favourite shows. You know how deep undercover is like, right? The complete erasure of your identity. Your history. I know some people who actually started to believe their cover story, to the point where they forgot who they really were.”

You paused to make sure you wouldn’t regret whatever you were going to say next.

“Elisa Martinez didn’t know Jason Todd. She never grew up with him. She never… fell in love with him…”

You noticed Jason’s eyes widened, and his grip on you tightened ever so slightly.

“And it was horrible, Jason,” you expressed, “I felt so lonely. So one day when I was alone in my apartment in Havana, I told myself that I wouldn’t be one of those people who gets lost in their cover identities. Unsure and confused about who they were. I vowed that when I got back here, I would truly be myself. No more hiding my feelings or my beliefs. No more stopping myself from getting what I wanted. Because I didn’t realise how having your own identity was a privilege that people took for granted.”

His eyes softened, but he still looked unsure of how to respond.

“So no,” you stated firmly, “I won’t regret it in the morning. Even if you don’t feel the same way, and you don’t want anything to do with me after this, I will not regret telling you how I feel. Because six months of struggling with identities was enough.”

Still straddling him, you crossed your arms to make a point.

“Uh,” he cleared his throat. He let go of his grip on you and ran his hand through his hair again. A habit that you noticed he did when he was either stressed or nervous. “Wow. I mean. I didn’t expect that at all.”

“I know it seems like it’s coming out of nowhere, but I’ve felt like this for years,” you confessed.

And that Jason did what you didn’t expect him to do. He reached out to cup your face, and then smiled at you.

You learned that Jason had many types of smiles. The smile that was really more threatening than it was comforting. The smile that meant he had a devious idea in his head. The smile that didn’t reach his eyes, when he was shaking hands with someone he didn’t like. The smile when he found something funny. The smile when he was thinking of the past.

And the smile that he only reserved for you.

It wasn’t just the upturned corner of his lips that made the smile. It was also the softness of his eyes, the relaxing of his brows. And the actual smile was just a brief moment, followed by his gaze into your eyes. He smiled like that at you during the first time you successfully threw a punch. And that time when you won first place at the science fair. Sometimes he would smile like that when you went on about history, and geopolitics, and the latest episode of your favourite show.

“Me too,” he simply said.

And there it was. The last time you felt this happy was when Lady Shiva told you she had nothing left to teach you.

“But you’re wrong about one thing,” Jason broke you out of your bliss.

“Huh?”

Suddenly he grabbed your hips tightly and threw you off of him, onto the empty space of the sofa. You gasped in surprise at the sudden movement, and before you knew it, he was on top of you, holding you down. He put his face above yours, lips only inches away that you could feel his hot breath.

“I am not a brat.”

And then he kissed you.

His cut lip grazed yours softly at first before sucking in your bottom lip with force. He broke off the kiss and grinned at you.

You narrowed your eyes at him.

And before he knew it, you had flipped him over, causing him to land on his back onto the floor with a loud thud.

Your knee was at his crotch again, a silent threat for him to stay still.

But you knew what had Jason blushing was your hand around his throat.

“Tsk, tsk, Jay,” you whispered in his ear, making a point to softly brush your lips on his lobe. “Don’t be naughty. You know you can’t take me.”

“I- wha-” he sputtered, and then tried to move.

“Nuh uh,” you warned, putting more pressure on his crotch with your knee, “Stay still.”

He continued to look at you in surprise, or confusion, or wonder. You weren’t sure.

What you were sure about was that you felt his cock begin to harden against you.

You chuckled softly to yourself. The truth was, you made it all up just to antagonize him. You didn’t really think he was a brat at first. In fact, all of your previous fantasies were of him dominating you, choking you, pounding into you while your hands were tied to the bed posts. Now that you knew he was into this, though, you didn’t mind. Not one bit.

“I’m going to get up. But you,” you squeezed his neck a little tighter, “You stay like this and do what I say, okay?”

You felt him gulp under your grip and then he nodded.

You stood up and put your hands on your hips. Looking down at him, you appreciated the view.

His hard chest was going up and down fast as he was panting. You saw a flush grow from his neck to his cheeks. Your gaze went down his abs, to his crotch, where you saw the outline of his hard cock and a small dark spot at the tip.

“Take off your pants for me,” you commanded.

He just stared at you.

You raised an eyebrow. “Do I need to threaten you?”

You gently stepped on his cock with your toes.

“Okay, okay!” he hurriedly slid off his sweatpants, revealing his hard on.

You never saw his cock before. You sort of knew it would be large based on the outlines whenever he wore sweatpants or boxers. But, wow.

He was perfectly long, and perfectly thick, and perfectly uncut. Though, his foreskin was now stretched back, revealing his head that was red and pulsating, desperate to be touched.

“Hey, my eyes are up here,” he grinned, his confidence and smug attitude back.

You sat back down on the couch and crossed your legs, making him confused.

“Well?” you prompted, “Start stroking.”

“What?” he asked, “Down here?”

“Mhmm,” you hummed, “Go on.”

He slowly reached for his cock and gave it a squeeze, eliciting a small moan from his lips. You bit your lips at the sound and the sight.

Fuck, he was so hot. You had dreamed of watching him jerk himself off for so long, and now there he was, sprawled on the floor at your feet.

He started to really stroke himself now, his eyes fluttered close and his mouth parted in heavy breaths.

“Fuck,” he gasped.

You saw that his cock was now slick and wet with his precum. You wanted to taste it so bad. You wanted him to shove his cock down your throat and mercilessly fuck your face until you gagged and cried.

Not today. He will have his turn some other time.

“Okay, stop,” you said in a sing-song voice.

“Wh-what? No,” he refused, still fucking his fist.

“Baby,” you stood up, “I said stop.”

He groaned and opened his eyes, his arm stilling around his dick.

You proceeded to take off your jeans, and your bra, causing your breasts to fall. Exposed to him for the first time, Jason was actually smacking his lips.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful. I want to touch you,” he whined and moved to get up.

“No,” you denied, “Stay down there for me.”

You walked over to his head, placed your feet on either side, and then dropped to your knees so you were hovering your pussy right above his lips.

“This is fine too,” he mumbled, hands going straight to your ass, kneading them. Then, he took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of your arousal.

“Mmm, you smell divine,” he whined.

That did it. You just knew that you were drenched.

He started to mouth you through the fabric, kissing your folds, nibbling on them.

“Please, take them off,” he begged.

You complied, only because you couldn’t stand not being touched. The moment you returned to your position, Jason attacked you with his mouth.

“Fuck!” you gasped.

It was as if he was making out with your pussy. Wet lips on wet lips, he licked you everywhere, from between your folds, to your opening, to your clit. It was like he was starved for you. Hungry for you. All the while, the sound of wetness and his muffled moans filled the room.

“Jason,” you sighed. You felt the familiar warmth spread at the base of your core.

He knew what you wanted. You felt him focus on your clit with his tongue, and then a finger entering you slowly.

You let out a high pitch whine when he started finger fucking you while ravishing your clit at the same time.

A second finger.

He was hitting the right spot, so deep inside you. You had thought about this as well. Whenever you saw his fingers on a trigger, or that time when he was making pizza dough and kneading. You imagined his thick, calloused fingers inside you, fucking you the way he was right now.

He quickened his pace and added more pressure to your clit.

You knew he knew you were close. You could feel it. Your body was tense, and you knew you were tightening around his fingers. You gripped his hair with both your hands, because you just needed to hold onto something.

And then you were coming.

You didn’t know you were screaming until you felt a gush of wetness between your legs, splashing everywhere.

Jason fucking Todd made you squirt.

“Holy shit, I’m so sorry,” you apologised. You stood up too quickly and didn’t realise your legs were jelly, so you ended up tripping onto the wet floor next to him.

“That was so hot, don’t be sorry,” he looked at you incredulously. His face was glistening with your juices.

And fuck, was that a sight to behold.

You couldn’t help but grab him by the neck and pull him in for a kiss. You tasted yourself on him.

He crawled on top of you, sucking your lips, pushing his tongue into your mouth. One hand roamed your body while the other propped him up above you. He squeezed your breasts and your nipples, and went down to your waist, between your legs. He gripped your thigh from below and pushed it up so you were spread open.

He hooked your leg on his shoulder.

And without warning, he pushed his cock into your wet, sensitive pussy.

“Fuck!” you screamed as he bottomed inside you.

He filled you up so perfectly, that you never wanted to be empty ever again. He stretched you out so beautifully, that you thought your walls would just be molded into shape specifically for his cock.

“Hnngh,” he groaned, “You feel so fucking good. So fucking tight.”

You felt him thrust deep inside you, reaching all the spots that made you writhe in pleasure. He began pounding you hard, wet slaps made even wetter as you leaked all over his cock.

You weren’t gasping for air. It was so intense that you couldn’t breathe. Your mouth was opened in a silent scream until you actually had to remind yourself to inhale.

There were no words that you could form in that moment. Just absolutely filthy, vulgar sounds that rang through his apartment.

Through teary eyes, you watched him above you.

He was panting, breathing hard. You weren’t sure whether the moisture on his face was from sweat or your juices earlier. His dark hair had fallen down to poke his eyes, his brows pulled down in a frown. His chest had beads of sweat dripping, trickling down to his abs.

He moved his hips with precise and sharp movements. Every thrust into you was accompanied by gasps and whispers of words you couldn’t hear.

“You look so fucking beautiful,” he praised breathily, “I want to watch you come again.”

It wouldn’t take too long.

You were already feeling like you were going to unravel. The heat pooling again, even more intense than your previous orgasm.

Jason increased his pace, and then reached down to your pussy to thumb your clit.

You screamed.

It was like a wave that pulled you down and released you. You felt your body tighten and your walls clench and unclench. You felt hot liquid release from your core, just like waves crashing.

Before you knew it, you felt empty. Jason had pulled out and jerked himself off over you.

He came long and hard in a loud groan. White ribbons of cum shot out of his pulsating cock, reaching all the way to your face.

He collapsed next to you on the floor, huffing and panting.

You felt drowsy all of a sudden, but so fucking relaxed.

“Wow,” you breathed.

“Mmm,” he mumbled, “Can’t move. Can’t think. Shhh.”

You giggled and scooted closer to him, pressing yourself onto his sweaty, sticky skin and rested your head on his chest.

You felt his heartbeat drum against his ribcage.

He rested his arm on your head and played with your hair.

“I can’t believe our first time was on the floor,” he complained.

“I think it describes us perfectly,” you closed your eyes and smiled.

He kissed the top of your head. After a beat, he asked, “Will you tell me what happened in Cuba?”

“One day,” you told him, “I need time to process it as well.”

“Fair enough,” he responded, “So, uh. Are we like, official then?”

“If you want to be.”

“Do you want to be?”

“I do,” you admitted, “I’ve been pining for you for a long time.”

“Me too,” he confessed, “We should have done this sooner.”

“I don’t think so,” you thought, “I think right now is the perfect time. We figured ourselves first, we explored what we wanted to do. We found our reason. Well, I did, at least.”

“So you’re really serious about this then?” he asked, “Fully committed?”

“One hundred percent,” you stated, “I think that we can make real change. Slow change. But change nonetheless.”

“Okay, then,” he sighed.

“Okay?”

“Okay, I’m in,” he said, “I can’t promise you that I will stay for the cause. I can’t promise you that I will even believe in it. But I can’t do the silence again. You have no idea how difficult it was for me, these past six months.”

You frowned. You wondered what happened. You will ask another time.

“But I can promise you that you will always have me,” he continued, “I don’t know what this is, and what these missions need you-or us- to do, but you will always have my support.”

You felt deeply moved. “Thank you,” you whispered.

You didn’t have to worry about your identity anymore. About being confused, about being corrupted by the roles you had to play.

Because as long as Jason was there, you were you.

[calciferous-kelpie]

Hey btw if your ever in need of ranting about a blorbo/oc, this is an ask that tells your to do so. What is the most interesting thing about them? Do they have any symbolism to them and if so what is it about? Favorite ideal situation to put them in? Any romance ideas?

Anon, I want to start off by apologizing for taking EXACTLY A YEAR to reply to this! Happy One Year Anniversary! 💀😭 Obviously, I’ve been thinking about this a lot, trying to decide who I wanted to talk about and trying to put my thoughts into words. And, of course, it took even longer because I wanted to include drawings of the characters… 🤦‍♂️Anyway…

I’ve decided to talk about multiple characters of mine, since they are important for my upcoming comics: Boxman’s mother, father, and sister! I have some New™, Fresh™ information to share about all of them today! Hope you enjoy my ramblings!

MEREDITH (Boxman's Mother)

Most interesting thing: Hmm, well… the things I find most interesting about Meredith are kind of spoilers for my comics, but an interesting thing about her is her special ability! (“Every proper siren has one, darling.” 💅) It’s called Eye of the Storm, and it allows her to summon and control a raging thunderstorm at will. Obviously, this sort of thing takes a lot of energy to maintain, so this ability actually comes with a secondary feature: Meredith can occasionally choose a victim to steal the energy from, and all she has to do to steal said energy is to make direct eye contact with them. The lady’s got a mean glare as it is, but with this power on top of that? Wowza. Watch out.

Symbolism: Given my answer to the previous question, you won’t be surprised to know that I associate Meredith with storms! She is a passionate character with a wild side, and when she truly gets going, she will step aside for no one.

Favorite situation to put them in: Meredith is a complex character with a lot going on, and I don’t want to reduce her to just an antagonist… but MAN, does she make a good antagonist! 😆 I love to put her into situations in which she terrifies/intimidates other characters, and trust me, she will have a lot of chances to do that in the comics!

Romance ideas: Meredith isn’t much for romance. At least not anymore. Heron was her first love, and after her relationship with him went south, her trust in men was destroyed. (To be fair, it was shaky to begin with.) She has, however, made an attempt at another relationship or two for monetary reasons. If that even counts lol

HERON (Boxman's Father)

Most interesting thing: Heron has had a wide variety of experiences across his lifetime, and during that time, he has developed many, many skills. These skills include (but are not limited to): farming, fishing, sailing, cooking, baking, sewing, crochet, whittling, building, juggling, and playing the banjo! Just… don’t ask him to sing, okay?

Symbolism: Heron’s symbolism is… probably pretty obvious, huh? I mean… he’s got an anchor… tattooed… on his back… *ahem* Anyway. The anchor is connected to a lot of Heron’s positive attributes—loyalty and sturdiness being the main ones. But it is also connected to some of his character flaws and the way he views himself. In a way, Heron himself is an anchor, for all the good and bad that entails. ⚓

Favorite situation to put them in: Despite the immense amount of comic outlining and scriptwriting I’ve been doing for Siren Theory, I can say pretty confidently that any scene in which Heron interacts with Professor Venomous is one of my favorites. It’s partly due to the “meet the parents” trope, but the other part of it is that Heron is just an unusual guy who does unusual things, and having a stranger witness that firsthand is hilarious.

Romance ideas: While Heron has had his share of crushes in his youth, he has never been in a serious relationship with anyone but Meredith… and he would like to keep it that way. He still feels like he’s putting the pieces of himself back together after their messy separation.

REBECCA/SIRENA (Boxman's Sister)

Most interesting thing: I think the thing that I enjoy most about Rebecca is the duality in her personality. She is very charismatic and graceful onstage as Sirena, but offstage, when she’s just Rebecca, she can be pretty socially awkward and kind of a klutz.

Symbolism: Some of you may have made the connection already, but Sirena’s real name, Rebecca, is a nod to Rebecca Sugar, the creator of Steven Universe and the spouse of Ian Jones-Quartey (creator of OK KO). This name was actually a suggestion by my sister (Thanks, girlie!) because she knew Sugar sang the end credit song of OK KO, and that little song was one of my inspirations for creating Sirena in the first place. Since then, the name has really proven itself to be a perfect fit for my little superstar siren! The meaning of the name Rebecca is “to tie/bind,” and Rebecca really is the character that ties her family—and the narrative of a lot of the comics—together!

Favorite situation to put them in: My favorite moments for Rebecca are the ones in which she is emotionally vulnerable. It isn’t always easy for her, but there are some things that will happen in the comics that will force her to wear her heart on her sleeve. I’m excited for that!

Romance ideas: Honestly, I’ve come up with so many ideas for OK KO that I won’t have space for all of them in the narrative, even though I’m planning to create, like, 19 comics! 😂 One of those things that won’t get a lot of time in the spotlight is Rebecca’s developing romance with a certain someone. That being said, it wouldn’t be a big spoiler for me to say… Plazecca! 🎵

Thank you so much for asking, Anon! Truly, you have enriched my enclosure. 💖

[strwbrrybxn]

I’ve been trying to find someone who at least acknowledges my boi Neji😭 finally found someone. I’m dying for anything Neji, literally anything. A crumb. A little crumb plz. I beg. I saw that ur friends w Donna and Biscuit lol and Manda refuses to write for him *sigh* but I’ve seen ur work and it’s so good like I’m on my hands and knees for u anyways sorry for rambling lolz anything u write for Neji I will eat it up coMPLETELY -🍒

I'm back and I'm so sorry this took so long, but I hope you enjoy this one. lowkey broke my own heart writing this

Temporary ; word count 2040— Neji Hyuga × female reader

✓ prompt: “Everything is temporary. This was merely one of those things.”

✓ pairing: neji hyuga × fem!reader [neji aged up to 23]

✓ warnings: 

✓ genre: nsfw, angst

✓ au: isekai, modern times

a/n: **italics — spoken in english

“Neji~”** you hummed, turning to look at the long hair falling into his eyes as he tried to assemble your coffee table.  Little did you know, this is one of the last times you’d get to see his smile.

It had been a few years since Neji had come from a different world; since he sat there bleeding out on the pavement in the late hours of the night. You had just ended a late night shift at the veterinarian’s office when you heard groaning in the alley. It was dark, and even though you had always run in the opposite direction of a dark alley, your instincts told you to go. 

Using the flashlight on your phone, you followed the sound of someone groaning; a low, guttural and wet groan. He was lying there, long brown hair sprawled on the pavement. A green vest covered in blood draped his body and he had four large holes pierced through his torso. 

You didn’t even hesitate, calling the emergency number for an ambulance as you pulled off your coat and covered his chest. You tried to get him to talk, but his eyes were faded and unfocused. His head turned slightly towards you and his mouth opened, but no words came out, just blood dripping down his chin. You didn’t think he was going to make it; in fact, you were sure of it. You had seen too many patients with eyes like that who had said their goodbyes already. 

You don’t know why, but you had gotten into the ambulance with him, and every time they moved his head to get him to focus, he would face it back towards you. You had seen this, too, when you had patients who didn’t have anyone else — whose body would turn to the only person they could seek warmth from. 

Neji wanted to talk - he had tried to open his mouth earlier but you said something in a language he didn’t understand, but you said it so nicely, and so sweetly, that he didn’t even try to push it. He wanted to talk to you, talk to the doctors, ask them how he could go back home, but no words would come out. His eyes searched for you in the white room, but you weren’t there. He wanted to call someone, but he didn’t know if anyone would even understand him.

The door swung open, much different from the Konoha hospital with doors that slid gently. You walked in with a bouquet of flowers taller than your head. You could barely see around them and when you finally did, you smiled at the man who had finally woken up. He had very pretty eyes, lilac and despite being on the brink of death, he looked beautiful. 

“How are you feeling?” you had said, but Neji could only tilt his head to the side. He had no idea what you were saying. 

“What?” All your anime watching finally paid off when you heard him speak. You didn’t speak a lick of japanese, barely understood it, but at least you were able to distinguish what language he spoke. Your phone slipped from your pocket and you typed your question, the AI voice speaking to him in japanese. 

This is how the two of you communicated every night after your shift until he was able to pick up on some english words and sentences. It didn’t take him long, he was a smart guy, and it had taken you a few months to pick up on his mother tongue, oftentimes speaking to him in japanese while he answered in english. The two of you no longer needed the support of the artificial voice on your phone and communication was much easier, despite his thick accent. 

He never liked to talk to you about the village he had grown up in, or the world he had arrived from. Not at first, but as time went on, Neji opened up about what had happened all those months ago. 

“I was protecting Lady Hinata,” he had whispered one night after the two of you had finished a movie. Your body was curled into yourself on the other side of the couch, eyes looking over at the other. “She was protecting Naruto, and I had decided to protect them.” his fingers reach up and touch the green mark on his forehead, a sad smile on his face. “I had made peace with dying; I said my goodbyes and the next thing I know, you’re staring down at me with big eyes. I don’t know how I got here,” he leaned back against the cushions of the couch, turning his head to you, “but I’m glad I did.” 

Your stomach flipped, as it usually did when Neji was around lately, but with the way he was looking at you, speaking to you, right in this moment, you couldn’t stop yourself from leaning across the couch. His eyes were still lidded as he watched you move. You leaned back, sitting on your heels. Your head tilted to the side as he continued to look at you. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” you mumbled.

“Like what?” He was sitting up now, eyes still at the same as when he was leaning back, but now he was facing you completely. 

“Like that.” Neji lifted his hand, his head jumbled with what to do. He had wanted to kiss you for months. Every time your hands lingered together for a second longer, or when you were teaching him how to make your favorite italian dish and he was breathing in your scent for so long, he almost got lightheaded, or when you were sat across your shared couch with your hair up in a bun and a ratty old hoodie on, just as you were tonight. 

Were you leaning in? Was he? He had never kissed someone before. What if you thought he was bad at it? 

His mind was pulled from the thoughts as your fingers stroked his chin, just as you had done so many times before. And just like all those times, he felt a shiver run down his spine at the touch of your fingers. 

“What are you thinking about? You got quiet all of a sudden.” 

“I wanna kiss you so bad,” he whispered.

“What are you waiting for then?” you hummed. He didn’t think of anything else, didn’t let his thoughts of not being a good enough kisser stop him from pressing his lips to yours. Your fingers cupped his jaw softly, thumb brushing along his cheek bones as you took control of the kiss. He was clumsy — a little obvious he had never had practice in kissing, but nevertheless, you allowed him to follow your lead. 

He didn’t know where to put his hands so they just stayed at his sides. It didn’t take long for him to move his lips with yours, molding them and the only time he stopped was when he needed to pull back for air.

Your fingers had slipped down to his shirt, fisting the collar lightly. 

“Wow,” he whispered, his cheeks flushed as he avoided your eyes. You couldn’t help but laugh, kissing the green marking on his forehead. His fingers slipped under your shirt, tracing small patterns on your back as he whispered again. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long.” 

“And why didn’t you?”

“I’ve never kissed someone before. How am I supposed to know when they want to also kiss me?” He made a good point. Neji never had any formal experience in this department, and you had. It was just one of the many things you’d agree to gladly teach him about. 

“Neji~” you hummed, shutting the door behind you and stopping with a confused head tilt to look at the long hair falling into his eyes as he tried to assemble your coffee table. 

Pushing his long hair from his face, he smiled, bright and wide as he always had when you came home from work. 

“Tada!” He stood, showing off the new coffee table he had bought after the two of you had broken the other one. How? That’s a secret. 

“What’s this?” It was beautiful. A lift top with two drawers at the bottom and storage under the lift top. It was the exact one you had been looking at when the two of you went furniture shopping a few months ago. 

“We needed a new one after,” his cheeks flushed, the blush running from the apples of his cheeks to the tips of his ears. “well, you know.”

You squealed lightly, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him down for a kiss. He couldn’t help but smile, his arm hooking around your waist and tilting his head to begin to deepen the kiss, but you pulled back, a mischievous smile on your lips. 

“You just built this, baby. We can’t break it yet.” 

You flustered him beyond belief and he didn’t know how to react most of the time, but the pang in his chest is not the way he usually reacts to you. His eyebrows furrowed and his arm loosened around you. 

“Neji? I was just kidding-” 

“I know.” His eyes softened as he cupped your cheek, thumb brushing along the apple under your eye. “I just got a weird feeling in my chest.” 

It wasn’t just in his chest. The scars on his torso were burning, and he couldn’t figure out why. He had started feeling this way earlier in the day, so he went out to cool down, hoping the chilled autumn air would clear his mind. When he came by, he occupied himself by building the coffee table, but now it was back, and intensifying the more he looked at you. 

“Hey.” Your fingers cupped his cheeks, forcing him to focus on you. The pain subsided as he leaned into your touch. “Let’s go out for dinner tonight, yeah? As a way to celebrate!” 

Neji’s smile brightened his whole face and he leaned forward, kissing you once more. “That’s a wonderful idea.”

You were passing by the alley, hand in hand towards the restaurant when something caught Neji’s eye. It was shining, the smell of autumn filling his nose. Autumn in Konoha. 

“Neji?”

“I think I can hear something over there.” He carefully pulled you towards the place where you met him for the first time. 

She stood there with the same eyes as Neji, her hand in a blonde’s. Hinata and Naruto looked almost exactly like they did in the anime, except taller. Neji was the same. Both men stood at about six foot, towering over both you and Hinata.

You could feel your heart tighten. You and Neji had talked about this before; if he could ever find a way home, he’d go. He missed his friends and you promised to let him, but that was before you fell in love with him. 

You’re reluctant to let him go, and when he started to pull, you could feel your fingers tightening. 

“I have to go,” he said, his hand loosening. 

“Right now?” You could barely swallow the lump in your throat, tears threatening to spill. If you had known there was a real way for him to go home, you wouldn’t have made that promise. 

“My home is there.” 

“But I’m here.” your words slurred as you tried to keep your eyes on Neji. He looked back at his friends, tugging once more and your fingers let go. “C..can’t we talk about this?”

“I don’t know when I’ll get this chance again.” From where you stood, it looked as if he had made up his mind, his eyes softening as he said, “Everything is temporary. This was merely one of those things.” 

You wanted to throw up. 

How could he say something like that? When you guys had spent almost every day together for four years. When you guys decided to become more than friends. How could he just simply step away from you, and through the door Naruto was holding open? He didn’t even look back, leaving you to your own devices in the same place he stepped into your life.

taglist: @hashira-mal, @justmyownreality, @sixtymillionoverdueideas, @dahlias-love, @penguinmilo, @delirious-donna, @stilestotherescue, @anxiouslittlesunbeam, @dreamcastgirl99, @usagiii3

[obsoleteozymandias]

Hello! I’m here to request a matchup for Twisted Wonderland… Pronouns are he/him and I don’t know if I need to specify?? My sexuality when the entire cast is full of guys?? But still I’m bi!

I’m fairly short to most people (like 5’1 on a good day) and enjoy keeping my hair long… Usually I tie it up or something though!

Anyway onto personality, a lot of my friends say I’m pretty mellow with strangers? Like they notice that while I do act civil and keep a conversation going easily it’s mostly… shallow?? (Thanks guys LOL.) But with people I know and trust they say I have a mean streak and regularly tease them over subtle things. Honestly they’re not too wrong I just did not expect to be seen that way!

They also say that I am indirect with how I treat people and you know what they’re sort of right. Like instead of outright saying “I find you fun to hangout with!!” I follow people around like a lost puppy and go with their every whim. It’s like that dad thing where you mention you like a fruit offhandedly and suddenly you have two bags of it. Apparently I do that!

I also like to pretend I think I know what I’m doing and that I plan ahead but really most of the time I abandon any plans and jump straight ahead… oops. At least I’m told that this sometimes reckless nature of mine helps me snag any leadership position so go me, I think? Go me.

I really like visiting amusement parks (specifically going on the thrill rides) and may or may not have a mild obsession over sweet candies. I also really enjoy visiting parties and hosting them. Honestly I enjoy any social event I can visit LOL.

I have a very strong distaste for anything bitter, oops. And I really really do not enjoy being around people who can’t handle some lighthearted teasing. I also despise empty spaces and being bored in general. I would practically do anything to escape some boredom sjsjsjsj…

As for hobbies I usually just read, clean, or find something to cook. I’m not really an outdoors person but I do enjoy sitting on the beach or in the forest! I also have an awful habit of collecting magnets from places I’ve visited, so maybe that’s something? Really I think I just like collecting little trinkets in general…

That’s all! Sorry if this is a lot, I tried to keep it short but I fear I may have went on a ramble… Regardless thank you for your time and I hope you have a good day :]!

lechuga

== Twisted Wonderland ==>

I match you up with…

Leona Kingscholar

Pre-relationship:

Leona and you start out as enemies, as he does with most folk. He’s haughty and arrogant, but when you start to tease him and don’t take his attitude, he lets you in emotionally. 

He likes that you tease him and can make easy conversation with him, even if it means nothing at all. You two can sit together, you rambling on and making jokes at his expense, and him firing them back in between naps. 

He won’t admit it, but he does like that you follow him around asnd indulge his whims. It’s cute. 

He doesn’t fall for you at once like most fairytale princes. As you become closer friends, he realizes that he wouldn’t mind having you by his side, even back home. And then he decides that he would, in fact, prefer it. 

Confession: 

It happens during one of your usuall hangout sessions when you don’t even see it coming. He says it while looking at you with that guarded gaze, like the ones he wears after he tells you something vulnerable about himself. He’s nervous - why would anyone want to be the significant other of the second prince - the second best? 

So when you accept, he mentally loses it a bit. Just a bit. 

Relationship:

He’ll take you to as many amusement park dates as you’d like. He may not be the biggest fan of them, but he loves the way you scream with excitement on rides and smile at him with joy, even if he won’t admit it. 

He’s pretty affectionate with you, at least in private. He loves kissing and cuddling you when he naps, although you do have the habit of getting him out of bed to explore, even if he pretends to dislike it. 

[macfrog]

Hi Max! I just wanted to say thank you for helping get me back into reading this year. I’ve never been a good reader, I’m so slow and always feel like that means I lag behind or I can be easily put off if books are too long because I just defeat myself with ‘you’ll never get through that’ before I even try!

But I’ve been preaching and preaching to my pupils to read and i thought i should practise what I was preaching. I found rack ‘em and CLM during the summer and I was hooked (as i think you know lol). From there I fell down the rabbit hole of your masterlist, and then I found other stories and writers that I enjoyed too.

I’m always telling kids that it doesn’t matter WHAT you read, and I feel proud enough now to say that I don’t feel like a scam artist when I’m telling them that reading is wonderful and you just need to find what you like 😂

Anyway, that was a lot of nonsense really, but I wanted to let you know that you were one of the first writers in this fandom that I found, and your writing is incredible. I wish I could teach writing and reading lessons based on your stories because they are SENSATIONAL.

I tell you all the time and I feel like the words I have won’t ever be enough to explain just how phenomenal I think your writing style is. The way you’re able to immerse your readers in the stories, and the way you can take a character and write so many different versions of him (that are all still so quintessentially Joel) leaves me in complete and utter awe every time. The language you use, your adjectives, style of writing, it’s almost like poetry. It’s so beautiful that I’m stunned after every single thing you post, no matter what story it has come from.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas if you celebrate, and that you are well-rested and spend lots of time with loved ones, friends and family 💕

Sorry for the long, rambly ask!

With lots of love from Glasgow! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

meghan 🥺 wtf!!!!!

thank you so, so much for this. i don't even know how to begin telling you how much it means.

first off you are RIGHT - it doesn't matter what you're reading, where you're reading it, how you're reading it. as long as you're reading and enjoying it, you're doing it right. love that you're teaching your kids that! i just know they're in good hands with you.

thank you for reading my stuff, for commenting, for screaming with me over these guys. it means more than i could ever put into words. the writing part is super fun - the sharing it with you guys and seeing your reactions and discussing with you is all a wonderful bonus. your words are always so encouraging and mean so much to read.

i'm so glad you're here!!! so glad i get to share this with you. it holds such a special place in my heart. i hope you have a magical christmas and a happy, healthy new year. hope you're getting some well-deserved rest from the mania of teaching, too!

sending so much love. WAH you're the sweetest i'm going to cry into my pillow now

[saetoru]

hiiii i hope you know how much i love ghe way u write haitham !!! also sooo true haitham is definitely autistic!! (me too haitham me too) i think u get how haitham is actually a quite kind and selfless person despite people think hes arrogant, egoistical and such but like if u read some if his voicelines like the one where hes asked what concerns he has he says smth not about him but how people tend to hurt themself and like cmon would an egoistical person have that concern??? also he doesnt look down on anyone its just he knows how capable he is and like ughhhh i feel like ur writing is a breath of fresh air cause like some people make it seem like hes some arrogant dude BUT HES NOT HES JUST AUTISTIC GUYS like when people say they dont like him and its just traits that autistic people usually have…. anyway thank you for sharing ur writing i love going through ur haitham tag it makes my day

HELLO HI I LITERALLY READ THIS LIKE 3 TIMES AND MY SMILE GOT SOOOO BIG EACH TIME IM GONNA TRY NOT TO RAMBLE AS I ANSWER THIS

but omg yesyesyes i agree he’s got so much pointing towards him being autistic and ppl will bash so many things ab him and it makes me so sad but also i’m like … maybe u ppl just don’t like traits that tend to describe autistic ppl idk … BUT i read so many fics of him being autistic and i see kaveh having adhd a lot in fics where they’re written to be neurodivergent and i think the authors i’ve read from so far have done such a good job of writing them and yeah. u get it. he’s definitely got sensory issues i know this is so real and true in my heart

AND HE IS SOOOOOOO KIND. i think ppl gloss over the fact that al-haitham doesn’t look down at anyone so much like everything about this man is so disciplined. so disciplined. like someone of his intelligence in a nation like sumeru could do sooo much bad but he literally just wants to have simple life where he goes to work and goes right home HE JUST WANTS PEACE. and his voice lines IF PPL WOULD JUST READ THEM. like the one about when ppl read difficult and abstruse books and then he says “jk i don’t enjoy watching ppl struggle lol” AND YES. THE ONE WHERE HE BASICALLY WOES ABOUR HOW PPL MAKE THEIR LIVES MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT NEEDS TK BE. he’s so caring by nature and i feel like even he doesn’t even understand that to some extent like i think he sees himself as a practical guy who just wants everyone to have peace for the sake of practicality. BUT HE ALSO JUST. CARES. YOU KNOW ?????????? they way it’s just canon that he’s misunderstood by ppl at the akademiya and he just doesn’t bother to correct them bc he doesn’t care to. THROWS UP HES SOOOOOOOOOO LOVELY I WISH MORE PPL WOULD SEE IT. i cannot tell u how many fics i read and then have to close bc. they just. THEY MAKE HIM SO ARROGANT AND MEAN BUT ARROGANCE =/= CONFIDENCE. he’s aware of his capabilities okay :( he’s not some condescending know it all. im just rly picky ab the way he’s written fjsjdjf so then i’m like. ok. i gotta write the content i wanna see 😔

but omg i’m rly glad you read and like my haitham writing sometimes i get carried away and make it so like…self servicing w the way i write him and the dialogue and then i get embarrassed to post it skfjsjfn but i’m very excited u like it I AM KISSINF U ON THE MOUF and also i am kissing ur brain for understanding him

[alittlefrenchtree]

Ok I'm sending you some of your own RWRB questions: Number 1,2, 5, 7, 10, 13,14, and 19 (i had to stop myself from sending the whole list lol)

Thank you so much! Maybe I'll end up answering every question on my own anyway but it's nice starting with your selection 🥰

#1 What was your introduction to Red, White and Royal Blue? How did you become aware of it, what was your first impression of it?

I didn't know anything about it until @petitmimosa started rambling about it a few weeks/couple of months(?) ago. I think she saw the trailer on prime, read the book then watch the movie? I was only half listening (she rambles a lot about a lot of stuff) because I was pretty sure I wouldn't be interested at all (romcoms aren't really my thing).

Then FREAKING TUMBLR decided that RWRB would be the only thing I'll be seeing on my dash for days and days. So I'd say to myself, if I'm going to be forced to look at pics and gifs of these two guys AGAIN and AGAIN, may as well know what this is all about. So I've watched the movie and surprisingly had a good time. And since Internet (and algorithms) keeps showering with rwrb content (nothing else is happening in the cinema industry anyway), I've decided to roll with it and enjoy the said content. I read the book quickly after and even if it was fun, I think I like the movie better.

#2 Team Alex or Team Henry? (I know you love them both equally but choose anyway. OR choose depending of the circumstances. Like, "I’d go shopping with Alex but I’d marry Henry. Or I’d hug Alex but I’d go karaoke with Henry. I don’t know. Try something.)

Even if I like Henry and find him very precious, I think I'm Team Alex. I like how refreshing he is. You can't really be sad watching him and not only because he looks cute af. But all love to both, obviously.

#5 Choose one scene from the book to add to the movie.

I'm not sure because I don't know the book that well but I know how I felt reading this

“Dear Thisbe, I wish there weren’t a wall. Love, Pyramus”

and I wish they'd found a way to include it in the movie. Maybe not in the way of the book, because that might have not worked as best as it should but in some way. I don't know.

#7 Tell us something you like better in the movie than in the book.

Oh man, so many things. One of the main thing, I like that Alex is more freaked out by being into Henry that being into guys in general in the movie. There are important scenes following, about owning the term bisexual in front of other people but being into guys feels less a big (and long) deal than in the book for him. Which is good. I feel like the "i'm bi, so what?" is a good mood to put out there in 2023.

I know the point has been quite a debate here and there so I hope I put the right words to express my view on this.

And tell us something you like better in the book than in the movie. 

A couple of things :

I would have liked for Bea to have a bit more substance as a character in the movie.

and, and that could have been an answer to the "share an unpopular opinion", I'm not the biggest fan of the parisian night scene. Not by Taylor and Nick's fault because the shots of their faces and how they acted are very delicate but I'm very not into the directing, the blocking and the editing of this scene. If felt too heavily romcom coded for my taste (and for my french person leaving near Paris' eyes), when one of the strength of the movie (for me) is being fresh and fun with the romcom codes.

10- You’re in a difficult situation where you have only one call to get help (or to save your life), who are you calling? Amy, Zahra or Ellen?

Zahra, every day, everywhere. I wouldn't trust anyone more than someone who reminds me that much of Sam Marquez in the tvshow Las Vegas.

13- A detail you feel like it’s not enough discussed. Whether it’s a scene, a quote, a frame, a piece of acting, a decor…) Time to ramble about it!

Oh I have two actually! The first good thing I have said about the movie is how much I like the opening credits. The music is good, the visuals are good, I like it a lot.

The second has probably been discussed over and over (and my recording sucks) but

I need daily screaming about the softest, smoothest, most determined "no." I ever heard in my entire life.

14- Favorites outfit(s) in the movie? (You can pick as many as you want, from as many characters as you want. But if you reply with a screenshot of a naked person, I’m going to put you in horny jail).

I wrote the question with one outfit in mind

My only regret is that he's not wearing matching pants (there must be matching pants, right?) cause I feel like AGCD wouldn't have shy away from them. And that would have been epic.

Honorable mention for the denim look 💙 that was wasted on Miguel.

#19 is going to take me forever to answer so I'll add something later :)

Thank you again for playing with me 💜💜

All the questions here !

[autumnshighlady]

ok this is so stupid but i really want to see neris and reader interactions,, like the small things, the comfort, the protectiveness,,,, ughh love what you've done w the story man, desperately waiting for the next part fr. (go on your own pace tho) glad to know i've shifted you a little bit on a azriel thing (devious smile) - ithink he's a good character for most people because he barely had a personality in the books and so we can usually make up stuff yk, like he's mostly just broody in the books and we're told stuff abt his personality but not shown it. can't wait to see what happens next! ohh also the dragon interactions!!! i wanna see those too!!! eris has hounds right,,, it wld be cute for them to protect nes and r tooo,,,, ahhh sorry this is literally just me ranting lol, obv feel free to ignore the reqs,,, i really want to let you know that your writing is good bc you seem to get less interactions than you should!! and a weird amt of hate lmao like whats w the people being rude about ialtpwf and wanting guys my age so badly, like i enjoyed it despite not particularly liking the daddy kink partbut like. really,, why so rude??? want to see how reader fares in front of beron too, i assume word of her power will reach him too/. anyway, how long are you planning on pushing the beron overthrowal thing (im being curious not being like ugh when are u plannign on ending it,, in case thats what it sounded like,, idk man im overthinking). oh also! want to see court relations with all of them after berons gone. before berons gone. all of it, i want them to be better leaders/people to the court people yk. oh!! also lucien-reader friendship!!! love that!! we havent seen much of it but hes def the kind of guy to tease r abt eris when they start actually flirting and getting near a relationship yk. eris-lucien brotherhood too tho, obviously. also the lady of the autumn court!! watching them bond w her!!! ahh jfoisfkjmdofikndfvg ium sorry have a great day today1!! hope you rest well after that long ass shift. oh yeah i agree w you on the feyre thing, she's def just mostly like a pawn to rhys yk, i think she was better as a char when she was w tamlin tbh, altho obviously i dont want her to be with someone who kind of abused her without any groveling at least/ cant wait to see more interactions fr!!!! oh when i said in the story, i meant the actual books, well and yourss but the actual books mainly! anyway i think you've managed to be realistic w all of them in a way that is good. bye! oh same anon as last time. should i give myself a name, is that fine,, i'll choose * anon. sure.

i can’t wait for you to see more of the neris x reader interactions! you’ll love it. i feel like i’ve done a decent job of their dynamic so i’m super proud of it so far.

Azriel’s journey is one i have planned out - it’s going to be complicated because yk he’s been loyal to rhys for 500 years and that’s not suddenly going to change, but he will continue to play a role.

you’ll see more of the dragons for sure! and the hounds will be involved too so fear not ;)

yeah idk why people got so weird about guys my age like i’m glad they enjoyed it of course but i kinda did everything i wanted to do with that fic so i don’t feel i have anything else to add to it if that makes sense

beron will play a bigger role soon! as far as them overthrowing him, prob within a couple chapters maybe a bit longer. im still playing around w the details of how exactly it’s going to happen

expect a LOT more lucien and lady of autumn in the later chapters! i love love love writing for lucien so i’ve got special stuff for him planned hehe

tons more interactions to come. more lucien, azriel, gwyn and emerie, cassian, etc. thank you for your message angel and NEVER apologize for rambling - nobody has taken the time to say this much about my fic so far in one go so i LOVE reading these. send as many as you want <3

[seiwas-interact]

HI i was gonna tag you at first but i figured it’d be easier to just write here :D i’m sorry in advance if this turns out rly long!! i just really wanna take the time to show my appreciation for everything you said on that satoru piece <33

first of all THANK YOU???? SO MUCH?????? like i literally can’t describe in words how happy it made me to read all you wrote, i was giggling n kicking my feet and everything. no but really tysm!! <3 for being so kind and for taking the time to comment on it so thoughtfully!!! it means so much you have no idea!!!!!!!🥺🥺and pls never apologize for the rambling i got sosososoo happy reading all the lines you liked and all your thoughts, i can’t thank u enough!! <33

i thought you couldn’t top the shoujo anime comment but comparing it to an indie movie scene is. so kind. ”scenes that feel almost stolen if anything” like that’s such a nice thing to say??!!! i was definitely going for that kind of vibe too so i’m so happy it came across well :’3 subtle intimacy is also like. my FAVORITE thing to write ever so i was ecstatic that u enjoyed it!!!!!

oh and the reader too!! i’m so relieved you liked them!! it’s not even intentional atp but every time i write for satoru reader ends up extremely down bad bc my love for him bleeds thru😭😭i’m sick and tired of it tbh but i’m physically incapable of pairing him w anyone who isn’t constantly like ’i love my dumbass bf’….. he deserves to be praised for all he does!! god knows no one else in that series is telling him good job and patting him on the head and giving him treats. smh.

overall i’m just. genuinely so, so happy you liked my take on satoru and love, it’s such a huge part of his character even in canon so i try my best to do it justice!! i feel like satoru would just benefit soooo much from a really sweet, gentle, easygoing love bc like you said he’s just. carrying so much weight on his shoulders, and especially after his love w suguru ended so tragically and was so heavy i just think he’d like something light.

for the record i absolutely adore your take on it too!!! how being loved makes him feel small but not in a bad way, how he feels so safe w you……… how he can just be satoru. like it made me insane when i read it bc you’re so RIGHT. i love your satoru sm, you make him feel so human and capture that vulnerable side of him so well that it kinda hurts to read LMAO… it’s just so…!!!! yeah. it’s so tender and good and achey

aaa and and and…. it makes me so soft that u thought my writing was homey….🥺🥺mine def leans more towards introspective thoughts and feelings too!! it’s just too fun to dig into your fave’s psyche lol.

anyway i feel like i’m just rambling away in your askbox so i’ll leave it there but pls just know how much i love and appreciate you <33 no need to answer this btw i just needed u to know!!!!! i feel like we all need some gojo fluff after those leaks LMAOO (i am in extreme misery) so i hope the fic could be a small comfort…… i’m just here writing sickeningly fluffy gojo content to distract myself from the manga atp…………

hi darlin omg 🥺 help we’re both just apologising for rambling on eachothers pages omg 😭 pls don’t apologise aaah!!! this is so so sweet of you 🥺

OF COURSE i had to comment thoughtfully on your fic omg it’s what you deserve!!! 🥺 it rlly tickled so many parts of my brain when it came to understanding satoru’s perspective!! tugged at my heart just as much too 🥺 i love introspective works a lot 🤧

i’m so happy i was able to get the vibe of it right too omg 🥺 as a reader who writes i think i get a lot more conscious now if what i understabd overlaps with what the writer is trying to portray omg akksnxkd but yes subtle intimacy omg 🥺

and yes to lovesick reader too 😭😭 i enjoy all dynamics but i have an extremely soft spot for when both are whipped for one another and for satoru especially !!!! our baby boy 🥺

& re: satoru and love, i think so too !!! i think that guy needs some luvin in his life and it shouldn’t be any more difficult than all the shit he’s been thru already 😭 that lil scene u added the ‘be careful satoru’ one i think omfg IT ACHED

AND AAAAH how u like my satoru too omg 🥺 thank u thank u 🥺 that’s such a compliment!! tender and achey 🥹 i do try to humanise him as much as i can so i’m glad it came across 🥹 ur satoru 🤝 my satoru 🥹🫶🏻

i hope u’re ok after the leaks!!! i’ve also just been thinking up all the fluffiest, most comforting ideas to cope 🤧 josnxkdn

read ‘i’ll relearn love at our kitchen table’ (super soft n comforting gojo!!! ☹️ tugged at my heart!!!!)

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, MAY 31, 2010 I have a free, basic account at LJ so I can only leave 5 5-minute voice posts a month for when I feel like rambling about whatever. I transcribed the first few with their auto-transcriber (the thing doesn’t know Spanish), but I’ll leave any future transcriptions up to you guys. It’s an optional thing. I left 3 posts, but because it’s already the 31st, I might not leave the last 2 allotted to me for the month of May.

SUNDAY, MAY 30, 2010 My story now has 41,395 words and is about halfway done. I’ll be beginning chapter 15 soon enough. I worry the story moves too fast in some places and too slow in others.

I went to Nevada in my dreams two nights ago, and last night I was back in Arizona. Not a thrilling place to be what with how much I’ve come to hate that state. I miss the desert, the monsoon storms, the saguaros, but I definitely do not miss Arizona itself. That’s okay, sooner or later I come to hate just about every state I live in, LOL.

In the Nevada dream, I was in some rooming house, in Arizona I witnessed some people, both white and black, break into an RV. Then the pigs came flying in from nowhere and I was afraid of going down as a white Jew in what was the toughest state in the country along with Texas just because I was there when it happened. One of the black guys was worried and I told him, “Relax, you know they go easier on blacks here. It’s me that has to worry.”

I didn’t seem to know Tom in either dream.

SATURDAY, MAY 29, 2010 Boy, do I feel a lot better than yesterday! The check has been sent and the weather’s gorgeous! Now it’s back to just worrying about him getting a job by October. Then again, I’m sure there’ll be things to worry about along the way. It seems there always is.

I had to laugh when Marie said she wouldn’t know what to do with herself if I stopped writing, LOL! I guess she thought I was going to stop public journaling, but nope. Not now anyway. So my #1 fan can relax. I did, however, once again stop posting old journals on Thoughts.

FRIDAY, MAY 28, 2010 Tom feels 100% confident that things will work out. But there is no little birdie or fairy that can drop down from the sky to tell me, “Relax. You’ll get your check, Tom will get a job, you’ll buy a house, and all will be fine.” So I cannot believe what I cannot see or know for a fact.

But there is one thing I definitely see and that’s the same old pattern of never-ending money worries that seems more and more meant to be. Why this is happening I do not know. I just know something’s determined to tease and torment me with money every chance it gets. That alone can really sap the life out of one’s spirit. I could really be enjoying this day. We’ve got treats to munch on, it’s quiet, it’s peaceful, it’s not cold at the moment, yet I have that dark cloud always hanging over me. No matter how many times Tom explains why and how we’ll be ok, I just can’t believe it till I see us get the check and he a job.

He read online that a few people said they didn’t get their checks right away, but they came soon enough after they were supposed to get them, so don’t worry. But I do worry, and it seems that’s all I’ve done since we moved to this damn state.

Tom pointed out that we’ve been comfortable most of our time together and that I’ve forgotten the good times. Yeah, because they’ve been hard for so long. A part of me misses my old problems. Not jail, motels and crazy neighbors, but it sure was a lot easier to want things I could never have like a singing career, a baby, sex with a gorgeous woman, etc. It was depressing and frustrating at times, but it was safe. Definitely a much safer problem to have than this shit. But ever since we left Arizona – with the exception of the time he made good money in Oregon – all I’ve done is worry about our survival.

The rent’s going to be as late as the 11th, and again I have to hope Jesse doesn’t get fed up with us, even though we paid the last 2-3 months on time and have been good renters. He says he understands times are tough, but he’s also proven by allowing his dogs to annoy us that he’s as inconsiderate and he is considerate. Obviously, he has no choice but to wait since we can’t pay him money we don’t yet have, but I worry I’ll lose it if he gets fed up and beat him over the head with his own dogs. I’m rather fragile right now and it wouldn’t take much to send me over the edge. We all have our breaking points, and I’d say I’d be pretty damn entitled to mine if he were to start any serious shit with us. I still don’t think he will, but you never know. People can change on you. He may not be the nut Patty at the duplex was, but she’s a classic example of how people can change overnight. In a heartbeat, she went from being kind and considerate to not giving a damn about anyone around there but herself. I’ve seen behavior like this too many times in my life, and Jesse’s not someone we could just “ignore” if he decided to make trouble for us. You just can’t ignore landlords, bosses or neighbors.

Things could be worse. Yes, I’m very glad this didn’t happen back when we were living check to check. We’d have been screwed badly. Without having to play pawn-it again, we couldn’t eat or pay any other bills that may be due.

I still think what I’ve always thought – that if we survive this recession, we’re going to spend most of our lives struggling for money. Some things just weren’t meant to be.

It’s too late now to stop those who have already read my journal from knowing that Tom’s on unemployment and to keep those who may try to fuck us out of our checks or at least delay them that know his full name, but I went and deleted over 600 entries nonetheless. From now on I will be much more selective about what I put online. There is no longer any mention of him being on unemployment. I’m not even going to post this entry because I don’t want to “exploit” my fears, so to speak. I’ll try to focus on posting just the uppity and trivial entries.

Marie was a bit bummed because she likes to read back on old entries, particularly ones where I mention her, but I told her I still have everything in Word and can send her copies after I edit out stuff that doesn’t pertain to her.

THURSDAY, MAY 27, 2010 Tom was pleased to finally find the perfect job to apply for operating machinery he’s familiar with right here in town on second shift for $11 an hour. We’re not getting our hopes up, of course, but it sure would be nice if something up there could give us a break after all this time.

It sure did with the unemployment check that’s going to be late. His first concern was that the crazy drama queen reported that he was working. I could kick myself for mentioning that, too! It’s ok to mention what I do, but not what he does. In the end, there’d be nothing the government could do if they could find where we were working because we haven’t hit that $600 limit on any company anywhere, let alone here in Cali. But it would delay the check while they investigated. Fortunately, however, there was no form saying they were checking him out, and when Tom checked online he found that others complained of their checks being late as well. Also, the lady at the UPS place said that no one else had gotten their checks.

I realize like never before that the rest of our lives is gonna be one big survival battle, sometimes worse than others, but to think that the drama queen and the sick fucks down in Arizona could still fuck us over if they really wanted to after all this time and from a distance, is really quite chilling. And God would let them, too. It’s totally something they would do the more I think about it. In fact, I can’t believe they haven’t done anything a long time ago. But why they’d wait so long to call the government makes no sense either. Maybe to make it look less obvious? But why? The government wouldn’t give their names and so I couldn’t prove it was them. I started to tell myself she wouldn’t do that to us so as not to rile my folks up, but again, all she would have to do is say she knew nothing about it.

Damn me for mentioning being on unemployment! Damn me. It’s like this – if you don’t give people your address, they can’t send you mail. If you don’t give them your phone number, they can’t call you. Well, if you don’t tell people you’re on unemployment, they can’t tell the government you’re working.

I’m tempted to lie in my journal and say he got a job, but wouldn’t want this bogus job getting back to my folks so they could think he’s working when he’s not.

All I know is this: If my sister ever does fuck us over…well, I won’t say but I stupidly mentioned that I would kill myself if we suddenly had no income. If she could be sick enough to have me thrown in jail, why not be sick enough to take our money so I can kill myself and leave her with only one person to have to share her inheritance with instead of two? That’s another thing I realize like never before; just what a sick, twisted, diabolical mind that bitch really has. She is as cold and as selfish as it gets. She couldn’t care less about me, she couldn’t care less about Tom.

Anyway, where something was on our side for once is that we have a couple hundred in savings so there are no worries until we get the check which will probably be delayed a week. I just hope Tom’s right in saying he’s 99.9% sure the machine tore up the form and they just have to send another form to us.

I heard briefly from Eileen and got a message from Ann Marie saying my journal was interesting, but she didn’t remember me well. So I sent a reply describing myself and the two apartments I last had back east.

Last night the dogs barked at 7:30 and I had to wonder where Jesse could be on a weeknight. They stopped as soon as I went outside, though.

I was going to get a new chair since this one’s fucked up, but Tom managed to fix it, so maybe I’ll put it off a while longer even though I don’t really have to.

The cold, wintry weather goes on. We had a hailstorm earlier. In a few days, we’ll have another warm spell, but you know how it’s been lately. It’s nice for a few days, then it’s cold and rainy again.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 26, 2010 Ann Marie was someone I had two one-nighters with right before I left New England. We got together once before I left MA, then again before I left CT. I was 26 at the time and she was a year older. This was in 1992. We got along fine, but we weren’t quite what we were looking for in a person. Then when I left for Arizona so suddenly, that was it. We never spoke again. I liked her, though. She was a nice girl and good-looking too, for not being the tall, dark type I usually go for. But like I said, we were different and didn’t quite feel that magical spark. We understood this and there were no hard feelings.

So I looked her up and found her on MySpace and sent a friend request. I’m not sure if she remembers me since I’m listed by just my married name there, but she accepted the request. When I first found her I saw that she hadn’t logged in since 2008, so I didn’t expect to hear from her. I guess she opened the account and then forgot about it till she just accepted me as her first friend request.

Just like with Evie, we don’t have to talk or be buddies. I just thought it would be nice to say hi and let her know I hope the years have been good to her. She looks ok, but I wouldn’t be the least bit attracted to her if we were meeting all over again in this day and age.

Our weather has continued to be cold, rainy and very un-May-like, even for NorCal. Not-so-extreme NorCal, that is. I saw that Jessie hit 96º today and that is all wrong! Just so backward! We’re usually okay in the afternoon, but the nights are freezing.

Marie told me that any dreams she has with me in them are good, but not the last one. I guess we were arguing about something when she stormed out and jumped into her truck. Then she was about to get into a head-on collision when she woke up. She said that she heard that if you see yourself die in your dreams, you do die. I’ve heard that too, but I'm not so sure that’s true. I swear I was once murdered in a dream many years ago. I believe I was living in the slums of Springfield on Oswego St. when someone slit my throat out back in the parking lot by the dumpster. This was a very dangerous neighborhood consisting mostly of Puerto Ricans and so that’s probably what triggered that dream. I think the guy that killed me, though, was white, LOL.

I had my second homeless dream last night. Yeah, fun, huh? Tom said it’s only because it’s what I’m preoccupied with lately, we’re not going to be homeless, everything is fine, etc. Damn right we’re not going to be homeless! I’d kill myself first! Life can stop us from buying a house, but it ain’t gonna make no street bum outa me! Meanwhile, I’ll believe everything’s “fine” when and if he gets a job. I know I’d only be moving onto new worries if he did and that I would then have to worry about him getting laid off with no unemployment left to fall back on, but that’s ok. I’m overdue for new worries.

The last tier of unemployment has officially begun and so this means he must put in 3 job applications a week, even if it can only be for things he’s not qualified for. He put in for a medical billing job at a temp agency here in Auburn, even though he has no experience with that sort of thing. They said the applicant must live within 25 miles of Auburn, so even though it’s very unlikely, maybe they’ll give him a chance just because of where he lives. Like I said, though, I doubt it. I still think this is it, we’ve lived our lives, and we won’t be able to go on past October. Yeah, sometimes God really does give us more than we can handle, but whatever’s meant to be will be and I’ll be ok with whatever’s meant to be because that’s all I can do. Our lives aren’t entirely up to us, even if some of us would like to think otherwise.

The rat’s life is also coming to an end, though he isn’t suffering. He can still get around and he still has a good appetite, but the tumor is massive now. So much so that he looks disfigured.

TUESDAY, MAY 25, 2010 Although I’m not entering nearly as many sweeps as I used to, I have won absolutely nothing so far. If I don’t win anything by July, I’ll give it up again. sighs It’s like those few years of winning were just one moment in time that can never be again. I just hate to have to play the spamarama game all for nothing and have to sift through hundreds of messages in my spam folder in case a possible win notice may’ve slipped into it.

Since doing a chapter a day didn’t work out, I’ve now set a new goal of a chapter a week. So far so good. I’m halfway through chapter 14.

Some have asked if I have a non-creative side. One not related to music, arts or writing, and indeed I do. The three non-creative topics I find most interesting are airplanes, outer space and forensics. I’ve always wanted to fly a plane, but don’t ever expect to, of course. Commercial planes are more exciting than little planes, but if we were filthy rich, you bet I’d buy me a little Cessna and learn to fly!

The term “Native American” is really starting to piss me off. Hell, I’m a fucking Native American! The Indians may’ve been the first to settle here, but I was born and raised here, so that makes me just as much of a native American as they are.

I was thinking of the new immigration law in Arizona (yeah, leave it to a state like Arizona to do something so radical) and while I can see why it’d piss the Mexicans off, I’m still all for it. They have been a huge problem for decades now. They come up here and steal our resources, they rob us, they kill us, they laze out on our tax dollars, they bring deadly drugs into this country – so something had to be done about it. Something. If I were a Mexican who was born and raised here I would be pretty damn pissed if the pigs threw me in jail simply because they suspected I was illegal and didn’t have proof of citizenship on me when they picked me up. But I’m not Mexican. And after living there for 12 years and seeing how bad whites had it and seeing how much the Mexicans were favored over them and put on a pedestal for so long and given so much for so little while everyone else had to work their ass off, I can’t say I feel sorry for them. It’s actually kind of nice to see the tables turned for once and the discrimination be on them after seeing how badly whites have been getting discriminated against for so long. Now they can have a sense of what it feels like to feel like everyone else but themselves is being favored and given special treatment. And while they’re at it, maybe this radical law will deter others who would like to cross the border to sell us drugs and live off our tax dollars. Maybe. Just maybe.

MONDAY, MAY 24, 2010 Stumbled across an article that said, no, it’s not my imagination. NorCal really has been experiencing the coldest weather in half a century. Good, because Tom was trying to tell me all this cold and rain was normal for this time of year. “Oh no, it’s not,” I insisted. “We’ve spent 3 springs here so far and it is NOT normal! It better not be anyway.”

I love the mountains and the woods, but definitely find myself missing the desert when I wake up to find the bedroom at 63º when it’s almost June. In extreme NorCal, that’d make sense, but in not-so-extreme NorCal, it makes no sense at all.

Yesterday was the first time since meeting up with Marie last Christmas that we didn’t swap emails. I understood, though, that she had to be utterly exhausted after all the OT she’d been working. Like 114 hours in the last week. She’s a very dedicated worker and hopefully she’s enjoying – and saving – all the extra dough she’s been raking in.

I still love Marie and will always have a place in my heart for her. Especially since she’s doing all she can to better her shortcomings. It’s one thing to admit you have a problem – and we all got ‘em – then another to actually do something about it. Saying I needed to quit smoking all those years that I said it was a fine thing to realize and to say, but it sure meant a whole lot more when I actually DID it! I still don’t want to get carried away with emails, though, not just to keep them special and so we get along better, but because I’m usually pretty busy. Yesterday I wasn’t, though. In fact, I watched 3 horror flicks. I’ve got to admit that Marie’s eagerness to please me is cute, amusing and even flattering. She even calls me “boss,” LOL. Yeah, and her boss will be quick to let her know when she steps out of line, too. :)

I decided that once my hair hits the crack of my ass in a couple of years that instead of thinning it with thinning shears to get the extra weight off, I’m going to have it layered. I haven’t had layers since I was around 21. I never cared for them because the uneven ends would stick out all along my braid when I’d braid it, but now I don’t care. I think it would be nice to try something different after having my hair one length for over 20 years now. That we can’t do ourselves, though. That we’ll have to go to a salon for, something I haven’t been to in decades.

I’m glad we didn’t make the roll-on rack yet seeing that these roll-ons are bigger. I’m wearing the Indian Harvest which sort of smells like spicy gingerbread. It’s nice.

Anyway, it’s a weekday so I’m pretty busy. Gotta get back to work!

SATURDAY, MAY 22, 2010 The neighbors are being as quiet as they usually are, though I expect Jesse will start gunning engines any minute now, despite the cold.

When I got up it was 39º! I was not happy at all! The kitchen floor was cold even with socks on. I had the portable blaring in the bedroom and had to turn the oven up higher in the kitchen.

How can Tom call this a “warm” climate? This isn’t a warm climate. It’s just a warmer one than Oregon! I still love being nestled in the woods, but I sure do miss the desert at times.

I was in the kitchen yesterday when I saw movement outside the window and then a cute little baby jackrabbit went hopping by. I didn’t think they had jackrabbits in this area, but it was definitely a jackrabbit. There’s no mistaking those huge ears sticking straight up.

Marie says she loves the pictures and that I’ll always be beautiful in her eyes. That’s quite flattering to know. I know I look better than I should for my age with all the years of dieting and exercising I’ve done, but still, we don’t expect such compliments at 44!

Later…

Hanging sheets now on the indoor line. I definitely like hanging indoors better than outdoors except for when it’s really hot. Indoors I don’t have to worry about bugs or webs or making sure to bring things in before dark so black widows don’t get a chance to nest in anything. I also don’t have to worry about dropping anything on the dirty deck either.

What I don’t like is being cramped in here. He calls this cozy, but I call it cramped. That’s exactly what it is, too!

Got my perfume roll-ons yesterday and was amazed when I opened the box. They’ve now gone from 1/3-oz. roll-ons to 1/2-oz. roll-ons and the roll-on bottles are flip-tops. They leaked a little along the way, but I love the flip-tops. I might order 1-oz. oils from now on and just pour them into the roll-on bottles because then I’d get twice as much for the same price.

Next month’s treat, since I’m only allowing myself one goodie a month, will be wedge sandals with hopefully a 4 or 5-inch heel. We’re going to look for something in person first, starting with Payless, so I can try them on. Worst case scenario, I order something online. My size (5.5) is hard to find to begin with, but it’s especially hard in heels cuz it’s the short people who want them. So once they get a shipment in, they go fast.

FRIDAY, MAY 21, 2010 Nothing from Marie since sending her the pictures. Did they scare her off or is she just beat from all the overtime she’s been doing? She could also be on the rag, LOL, a time in which we agreed we wouldn’t communicate so there’d be no trouble between us.

So last night in Dreamland we drove over to some guy’s house. The idea was for Tom to kill him, though I don’t know why. In real life, of course, Tom would never kill anyone who wasn’t trying to kill him and neither would I. I waited in the car and when too much time had passed I thought, uh-oh. What if the tables have been turned? I then got out of the car and went inside to find Tom floating face down in a mini indoor pool. “You mother-fucker!” I screamed, charging at the cock that killed him. I grabbed hold of his neck and no matter how bad it hurt when he’d kick and punch me, I held tight, determined to strangle him to death. It ended with his eyes rolling up in his head.

In another dream, we were at the Jewish Community Center, LOL, and had just moved. I don’t know where we moved to, but that was the feeling I got in the dream. It was 7:40 and for some reason, I knew we couldn’t leave till 8:00. “Why don’t I go change into my suit and hit the pool till 8:20,” I said to Tom. “Then we’ll leave here and go to the restaurant at 8:30. By then the crowds should be dying down.” Tom laughed and told me not to count on that, but it sounded like a good enough plan anyway. So I went into the bathroom to change into my suit, and the dream ended with me realizing I left it in the car.

The last dream I remember is us moving from my second childhood home of all places. It was nighttime. I don’t know how I got over to the house, but it seemed like I was alone. I wanted to see it one last time. This was a corner house. The driveway was in back of the house on one street while the front faced another street. I entered through the front door and noticed Tom left the living room and kitchen lights on. I was about to step out of the foyer and into the dining area when there was a knock on the back door. That seemed to scare me for some reason and I ran back out the front door, making sure to lock it behind me.

THURSDAY, MAY 20, 2010 So I read this article where a gay couple in Africa was jailed for 14 years simply for loving each other. These were adults, it was mutual, all done in the privacy of their own home, yet the act was condemned as “gross,” “immoral,” “unnatural” and “satanic.” You would think I would be seething with rage, yet oddly enough I felt rather numb as horribly unjust as it may be because I’ve simply become so used to the world’s fucked up ways. Rarely are things ever honest, fair and good. I’m so used to these sad, infuriating and unfair stories that I pretty much expect them.

Just look at Tom and I. Life has rewarded our hard work and willingness with unemployment now for over a year and a half. We tried so hard to get ahead yet we get to live like little bums for it. At least we get to do it quite fashionably thanks to all the clothes my folks sent.

I make it a point not to try to change people’s beliefs and opinions because then I’d be no better than a pushy Mormon and I don’t want to be one of the control freaks I condemn so much, but who do people think they’re kidding in saying God doesn’t give us any more than we can handle? Then how come people die of diseases, violence, accidents and other things? I’m sorry but if it kills us, then we obviously couldn’t handle it!

Each month that we’re forced to sit on our asses I find myself losing faith. I can’t even do my influencing thing. I keep entering sweeps, but I don’t win like I used to. As I’ve explained before, attitude and mood are everything when it comes to psychic influencing. Yet when you feel more and more hopeless, it’s hard to have a happy, positive attitude to turn up the wins and once again start winning thousands of dollars worth of stuff almost every month.

I try to do the things I enjoy, then it hits me that we’re on our last extension and the jobs aren’t coming back and that casts a dark cloud upon what would ordinarily be a sunny mood. Well, I will NOT let God, life, the government – whatever you want to call it – make a street bum out of me! Not now, not ever. I’m too old to handle that and personally, I don’t think I could have 20 years ago. Besides, that’s not the entire point. The point is I think I deserve better than that and so does my husband. What have we done so wrong to deserve the threat of the streets hanging over us like this? Well, I am not going to be belittled and reduced to the streets. I told Tom, if you feel you can cut it out there if worse comes to worst for us, stick around and go for it. Me, I’m outa here if that’s what it comes down to. I’m not going to fight to stay alive on the streets, then spend another 30-40 years being beat over the head with money if by some miracle I do survive.

I would prefer for my husband to get a job and for us to survive and buy a modest little house of our own in a couple of years. Once again, though, if something’s not meant to be, then no matter how hard you may work for it, it just ain’t gonna happen. I don’t want to live on the streets or in someone else’s dumpy trailer all my life and spend half the time worrying about rent and food. Call me selfish, call me spoiled, I deserve better than that and so does Tom!

I’m not so sure anymore that America is still the best country. Sure it’s better than Africa and the Middle East, but we treat foreigners better than our own people here, for God’s sake. Maybe I’ll get to be a little terrorist in Palestine in the next life so this country can lavish me with millions. People complain and complain about the twisted ways of our nation over and over again yet nothing is ever done about it. Nothing!

Tom took a picture of me outside yesterday with the long sundress on that my parents sent before it rained yet again. I don’t know why I look 150 pounds instead of the 125 pounds that I am, but oh well. Nothing I can do about it.

Tried calling the number I thought might be Laurie’s, but the number was out of service. Guess I’ll never know what became of her.

Although poorly designed, Tom managed to get the retractable clothesline hung up in the living room.

The new sound machines are great. The sound quality has really improved since I last got one of these things about a decade ago, and they’re so much lighter, too. Love the chirping birds they added to some of them.

Here’s an example of just how smart rats are. This rat likes a clean home, so after he’s done picking chicken bones clean, he likes to toss them outside his cage. To stop this I put up cardboard walls all around the base of his cage. But he outsmarted me by taking the “trash” upstairs and throwing it out from there. I doubt a dog would be clever enough to figure that one out. That’s why they’re so noisy and bark for hours at a time in places where they’re never allowed indoors; because they just don’t get that all the barking in the world isn’t going to bring them the attention they crave or get them taken inside.

I was proofreading and queuing up 4 entries per day on thoughts.com, but have decided to cut it to 2 entries a day because it’s so much work. So after June 1st, I’ll probably launch entries at 6am and 6pm PT.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 19, 2010 I decided I’m only going to let myself get one non-necessity a month. The savings will never build up if I keep getting stuff as fast as the extra money comes in, and we just ordered a couple of hundred bucks of stuff as it is – two sound machines, an iPod armband for when I’m running, and more perfume roll-ons. One of the sound machines should be really cool because you can project the time onto the wall or ceiling. That one’s going in the living room.

Marie later agreed with me on Laurie’s age being in her early 40s at the time we knew her. I found a listing for someone with her name who was born in 1937 which makes her 73 years old today, a little older than I’d have thought if it’s her. Should I call? It’s free. Hmmm…guess I’ll sit on it a while.

Updated my Facebook and MySpace profile pics with the older, uglier me to hopefully cut down on unsolicited and unwanted friend requests as well as people wanting to “photograph” me, though I just ignore these pests. Or I block them. Whichever is necessary. I can’t believe how bad I’ve come to look, LOL, but if it will do the trick and turn people off, then looking as lousy as I do is worth it!

I still can’t figure out why my face is always red. This started years ago and at first it looked good cuz it was just my cheeks. But now it’s everywhere except for my chin and forehead, making me look like I’ve got a strange-looking sunburn. I tried to cover it with makeup, but it was still visible. Putting on makeup has gotten to be a rather difficult thing to do as blind as I’ve gotten. I had to keep reaching for my glasses along the way just to see what I was doing. And of course my face still looks huge and round no matter how much weight I lose. Oh well. I’d rather look like shit than worry about money all my life, but I’m sure I’m going to get to do both. Like I said, money’s fine right now. It’s when our final extension runs out that I’m worried about. Everybody’s been saying the jobs will come back for over a year now. Yeah, when? When will they come back?

I sat and stared at this screen till my screen saver activated itself, so I guess that means I have nothing more to say.

TUESDAY, MAY 18, 2010 Was her first name spelled Lori or Laurie? And how exactly was her last name spelled? I wish I knew, and I wish I knew how old she was too, so I could try to track her down and say hello.

Lori/Laurie M was one of my top 3 favorite staffers at Valleyhead next to Lisa and Michelle. The job seemed to matter to her just as much as the paycheck and I know I was one of her favorites as well. She even got me a plant once, but with my blacker-than-black thumb, I doubt it lived very long afterward, LOL. I had what I’d call a borderline crush on her. I liked her, but not like I liked Mary.

Marie and I disagree on how old she was at the time. She says late 20s to early 30s, but I thought she was between 40-45. I’ll show Tom and Paul her picture and see what they think.

Wherever she is, however she spells her name, I hope the last 26 years have been very good for her!

MONDAY, MAY 17, 2010 Wow, what a trip down memory lane! Saw additional pictures from Valleyhead that Marie posted. I recognized most people and even identified a few she was unsure of. Glad she didn’t have any of the wicked witch (Abbott). Abbott, Mosca and Donovan were definitely the worst. Too bad there were no pics of Lisa M and Michelle S. They were the best. Even Mary C would have been nice to see as much as she played with my head (I had a crush on her). And of course I looked like a total geek in the one she had of me!

I’m at the point in my proofreading/posting where I’m at the Vista Ventana. I thought I’d get a kick out of reading back on some of it, but instead I found myself angry. Not just because of how so many of the residents there so needlessly played with my head and stabbed me in the back, but because of all the struggling I was going through. I spent an awful lot of time going hungry in the beginning and getting the runaround from the food stamp people. And while that in itself has me angry enough, what’s worse is that so many people could have helped me. So many! Yet they chose to sit on their asses in their comfy little world while I starved my ass off with no extra weight to spare. I wasn’t 125 pounds then, I was under 100! OMG, I was so pissed to read back on the shit I went through. My parents could have helped, my sister could have helped, Andy could have helped with some of his pot money… argh! I did not have to go through what I went through and I shouldn’t have.

sighs But God obviously wanted it all to happen. Must’ve thought it was pretty funny or something. shakes head with disgust Almost makes me want to run into the kitchen and eat till I burst. I can do that. Yes, God’s little poor-assed bum has enough food to burst her at the seams. Amazing, huh?

Some people have suggested that maybe God was testing me. A test that could’ve killed or at least gotten me very sick?!?! That’s just ridiculous! What the hell kind of a test is that?!?!

Forget about it, I try to tell myself. It happened 18 years ago. But it’s not that easy. That’d be like my trying to tell Marie to forget about all the horrible things that were done to her or anyone else in a similar situation. People may forgive, but they don’t just “forget” bad things that happen to them. I’m sure almost all of them would if they could.

What’s really sad is knowing that it’s only a matter of time before my safety and my well-being are once again thrown on the line. In fact, if I’ve got to go in October, I’m going to make damn sure my story is done by then. My goal is to do a chapter a week, which would mean I’d be done in late September. Or sooner if I can get through it faster. If we’re not going to survive this economy I at least want to finish it so I can know I met the goal that I set for myself, and have something to leave my friends. Paul and Marie are really looking forward to it and I wouldn’t want to let them down.

The more status updates I see of Nickolena’s the less sure I am that that’s her kid. Her activities are too normal for a teenager. She talks about going to shows, and movies, coloring her hair, etc. Well, no matter how “supportive” her parents may be, you certainly can’t do all the things she mentions doing with a kid.

SUNDAY, MAY 16, 2010 Ah, it smells so good in here! Especially after having to smell ammonia for nearly an hour as the dark blond hair dye sat on my head. I started a new Glade plug-in going – the Hawaiian one – while I rinsed it out in the shower. Then returned to the room to find it smelling a lot better.

My new flat iron is frying the hell outa my hair so I’ve got to turn down its settings and use it less often.

Soon I’ll have Tom take some new pics of me and will update various profile pages of mine with the smarter but older, fatter, uglier me. :) The only ones I really need to update, though are Facebook and MySpace. The pics there were taken right before we left Arizona, so they’re about 6 years old. All other pics are less than a year old, like on the diary site which was taken last fall. Sometimes I just like to use pics of pets, flowers or scenery.

We got a set of cordless phones and they’re so nice! Why couldn’t phones like this have existed back when I was really into phones? I’m amazed at how lightweight the phones and chargers are. The phones have speakers in them, and they make for a good intercom system as well. We still have the older phone hooked to the landline that was included in our internet package.

Talked to Marie on her break before her coworkers came to join her and they all went to eat. She’s down to 138 pounds, getting a bit low for someone who’s 5’ 6”. I hope she’ll quit losing soon.

She joked about shaving her head and checking out dirty pictures on her break. She would too, LOL. I never liked women with no hair or overly short hair, but it’s her hair.

“Just warning you,” she said, “I found a pic of you at Valleyhead. Becky took it, but I can’t remember her last name.”

I knew it was H and she was amazed at my memory. Becky was a good kid, though I don’t remember her taking the pic. In the drugged-up stupor that I lived in back then, I’m not surprised. Marie says I was singing and playing my guitar in the pic and has several VH pics she plans to post in her Webshits album soon. That ought to be interesting to see. I don’t miss the place and don’t want to be reminded of it and how miserable I was, but it would still be cool to see who I may remember.

Marie thanked me for sticking by her and promises not to contact me during the week she’s on the rag cuz she doesn’t want to fight even though she loves it when I go off. Yeah, but she can shove a broom handle up her ass during those 12 weeks in a year. :)

It was dead quiet all morning, but Tom said Jesse wasn’t home when he came and went from Walmart, so he obviously took the dogs with him. Wish he’d do that more often!

I couldn’t resist. I had to do it. I don’t know why, but I did. And it felt good, too. :) I sent a message to Nickolena asking that she give her mom the link I enclosed which went straight to my journal, of course. In it, I posted an entry with her name in it that read:

Evie. I wonder about her at times. I don’t want to talk to her, but I do think of her from time to time and hope she’s doing well. We didn’t know each other very well, but we did chat on the phone a few times and swap a few emails right before we left Phoenix.

Then one day after we moved, Tom came home and said his mother was upset, and a conversation followed that went something like this:

“What for?” I asked.

“Because Evie told her she was upset with you for asking that she leave the kids behind if they visit us at the new place.”

“But why didn’t Evie just come to me about it? If I was the one she had a problem with, why did she go to Mom?”

I knew from past experience just how destructive little kids could be, and Evie didn’t seem big on discipline, which had become nearly illegal by then anyway. Today you go to jail for simply yelling at your kids. Years ago you got away with a hell of a lot worse than the worst things my own parents ever did to me.

Nonetheless, I always wanted to tell her that. That really bothered me the way she went to the queen like she did and not to me directly. This is partly why I don’t hate her or anything like that – she is a sweet person otherwise – but don’t want to associate with her. I mean, why bother? She’s hundreds of miles away and we hardly know each other or have much in common. I just A, wanted her to know I didn’t appreciate her doing that but have no hard feelings, and B, I once again got a kick out of the idea of someone I used to know reading my journal, if she wasn’t already aware of it. And of course, Miss Perfect will hear all about it!

Oh, how therapeutic the net has become, though it can never “fix” what the black bigots down in Arizona did to me. Just make me feel a little better.

Not surprisingly, I never heard back from Evie or Maliheh. I didn’t want to either.

SATURDAY, MAY 15, 2010 It’s so hard to enjoy the moment when I’m always worrying about the future! We were planning on going on quite a shopping spree this weekend to get some stuff we both need and want. As I said a few entries ago, one of the things I was going to get was a decorative mannequin head, but I’ve changed my mind and decided to just get some perfume oils for now. I just can’t be as optimistic as Tom and believe for sure that we’ll survive this recession. And as strange as it may sound, I’d rather get something that I use rather than something that just sits there looking pretty if I’m going to be dead in October. We’re on our last extension, the jobs aren’t coming back very fast, the government cares more about other countries than its own, and there doesn’t seem to be any God up there that gives a damn. So how the hell am I supposed to believe everything will work out and be “ok” in the end? Sorry, but there are no guarantees here. Living with the knowledge that I could be struck and killed by lightning is one thing. Living with knowing we may have no income in the fall is another. So as much as I hate to do it, I’ve started making some preparations just in case and am not going to get certain things till we know for sure what’s going on, and that includes any more pets. I have to think like this could be it, even though I certainly don’t like it and I don’t want to. But maybe I’ll be surprised in the end, though if I am I’m sure a part of me may be a little sorry I was. Am I going to have to worry about our survival every single day of my life no matter how long I’m destined to live??? Is this it? Is this the way it’s always going to be? If the end is near, maybe it’s a good thing, though I would still like to see if we really can get a house in a couple of years or not first.

We sure were in a house that seemed to be ours in my dreams last night. It was a very vividly detailed dream. The sounds, colors and images were crystal clear. The only negative to the dream was the dog next door barking its ass off for hours on end, so that’s how I knew that yes, we were still in the west. The snow-capped mountains told me we were still in NorCal.

We’d never met our neighbors in the dream nor could we see them. At least that’s the feeling I got, and the closest one which was the one with the dog, was about 50-100 feet away, so closer than Jesse. The lot seemed smaller too, like a couple of acres instead of 10.

I didn’t see much detail within the house itself, but we changed seasons in the dream. I was in the living room at one point with Tom and some woman and we were all talking about whatever. The place had spacious windows and the view out the side opposite the dog was beautiful. I saw rolling mountains for miles and miles, but I didn’t like how we were getting a dusting of snow. “I didn’t come here for this,” I said, and Tom and the woman laughed. I stood up and gazed out the window at the mountains and saw that the higher they were, the more snow was on them.

Next thing I know I’m outside and the weather’s nice. There were hills and trees just like there are here. To the tune of the barking next door, I walked up our driveway which was either paved or had gravel. Then I walked to the main road which was sort of like the main road here, only it was a dirt road and you could see a part of it from our house. A couple of pig cars went by and I went jogging down the road. At one point there was a bridge with no wall or railing of any kind and I peered over its edge, careful not to fall the 20 or so feet into the river or canal below. Then I turned and ran back up the road, thinking how much I loved to come out and run up and down it for exercise every day in which I never saw one house along the way.

The one thing that was all wrong about the dream was that it was in a more established area like this. It was too built up to be anything we could afford. If we stick with rural, we’re going off the grid.

I could tell that a mouse was under the kitchen sink because the box of poison had moved a bit. Yeah, I knew they wouldn’t go more than a few weeks without seeing us. I’m just amazed at how hard they are to trap and how clever they are that they can sometimes sense what’s a trap and what’s not.

FRIDAY, MAY 14, 2010 Lena is spamming me again with offers to buy Viagra. Sorry, but I don’t think Viagra could help me. She’s hitting Marie with it too, from what I could see since she sent it to multiple people. I not only blocked her email altogether, but I also filled out a complaint form with Yahoo where you fill in the header and the body of the email as proof of the problem. I hope Marie will do the same, who knows never again to give out my email addy without asking first. She’s totally the type who would associate with people like Lena who would do such things, too. I can just imagine what her roommates are like, though even she complains about one of them.

Marie and I are going to chat tomorrow night, so I look forward to that.

As I go through old journals to post over on thoughts.com, I remember people I mentioned in them that I used to know back then, both good and bad, and out of curiosity, I see if I can find some of them on one of the social networks. Well, I found Maliheh living in Missouri. I can’t swear that it’s the one I briefly knew, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it was since I doubt many people spell their name that way which she pronounced as Malia.

Anyway, Maliheh was much like Lena. We met in a gay bar one night in 1991 in Northampton, MA when I was 25 and she was 34 and she was all over me. But I was still young and naïve at the time and didn’t see these drunken whack jobs for what they were, not that she was necessarily “drunk” per se. Instead, I took every kiss, every hug, and every wink as a sign saying she was as interested in me as I was in her. I can’t deny that she was pretty hot. A little shorter than I usually go for, but good-looking just the same.

So I called her at the number she gave me a day or two later and right away I felt like I was talking to a whole different person. She seemed to remember me, but she was mean, rude, snotty and acted as if she hated my guts. She was just so full of anger! Like how dare I have the nerve to call on the number she herself gave me. Then we started prank calling each other, and who should go down for it? Me, of course! The courts didn’t take it very seriously, but it was just my usual shit luck to have to be dragged through the mud while someone who was doing the exact same thing never had to answer to any court calls.

The older me would’ve hung up on her right away and known that she wasn’t worth bothering with, but I took it pretty hard back then. I’d been rejected before by family, friends, lovers and potential lovers, but like I said, I was still young and so I felt both hurt and angry.

So what did I do when I found her on Facebook? Slipped her the link to my journals, of course, LOL! Hey, why not? It’s perfectly legal and doesn’t cost a thing.

There’s more I could write about, but I am incredibly busy tonight between work, laundry, getting the grocery list made up, proofreading and posting old journals, working on my story, entering sweeps, studying languages and working out. If I get to all this shit before I crash it will be a miracle!

THURSDAY, MAY 13, 2010 They say that for a child to draw pictures of a sexual nature and to pose their dolls in suggestive positions are classic signs of molestation. Well, I did these things as a child, yet I don’t remember ever being sexually abused in any way. I was in the first or second grade when the teacher I had at the time confronted me about a rather explicit picture I’d drawn on the back of one of my work papers. I knew what it was, though I insisted otherwise. I was 6 or 7 at the time.

Over the years these incidents have left me wondering if anyone hurt me before I was old enough to remember it. Or do kids just sometimes draw these kinds of pictures anyway? I was still at least verbally and emotionally abused as a child. Maybe that’s enough to trigger these signs, IDK. If anyone did anything to me, I highly doubt it was someone in the family for two reasons. One is that no one in my family seems like the type to molest children, and secondly, it probably would have gone on for years if it was a family member. Molesters don’t usually strike just once or twice. So if I was victimized in any way it was probably done by someone who had little contact with me and was probably out of my life as fast as they were in it, leaving the memory of them to be gone forever and totally irretrievable. Most likely, however, nothing sexual happened. I would think that no matter how young a person may be who endures any kind of sexual abuse they would eventually have to remember it at some point in their lives. I know some people block these things out, but sooner or later, usually in their 20s, the memory resurfaces. Yet if by some chance you do exist and you’re still out there somewhere – no doubt thoroughly blessed by God – be glad I’ll never know who you are.

Some guy on MySpace claiming to be a photographer in San Francisco says he’s going to be in the area and would like to photograph me for some group he’s a part of, saying I have a lot of talent and potential in my profile picture. LOL, I let him know that picture’s about 6 years old and that I’ve since cut off all my hair. Yeah, it’s barely to the middle of my back now, though I’m sure it’s just some pervert wanting to try to rape or beat me. Maybe even kill me. I’d rather die of old age or poverty, whichever comes first.

We’re not exactly living in poverty at the moment, fortunately, since we’re about to spend a few hundred bucks on stuff we need and want. Let’s see… car parts that he needed to work on a pulley which he worked on today. A couple more sound machines for the other rooms since the barking, at least in the mornings, is going to be a year-round thing now. The retractable clothesline and the parts to build a rack for my perfume oils. A set of new cordless phones. And lastly, a partial mannequin that I thought looked really cool (Marie ought to love that, LOL). It would be good for keeping spare wigs on as well as making a nice decoration. It’s basically only a head. It’s only 17” high and only goes as low as just above the nipples. She has brown eyes and pierced ears, so she also makes for a good way to keep jewelry, particularly necklaces.

Marie tweeted that she’s thinking of me and hopes I call soon. I like it when she tweets. It’s a way of still keeping in touch and knowing what’s up with her, yet not losing too much time from work. I’ll go ahead and call her tomorrow night at 11pm my time unless she tells me to make it some other time. I’d rather that than the IM thing, and this way I can hear her voice.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 12, 2010 They posted a fifth story of mine on the Girl Directory and already it has a 4.5-star rating.

One of the administrators on thoughts.com liked my “blast from the past” and friended me, so that was nice. Also, my blog over there has a 5-star rating. Hmmm… interesting. Is it what I write about? Or is it how I write it?

Didn’t get up till around 4pm. Heard the pest buzzing around on the ATV, but that was it.

I woke up on my side. My right side is my favorite side because that way I’m lying on my good ear and making things a little quieter. But I guess I slept on my arm wrong cuz it hurt when I first got up.

What’s more frustrating is that this mysterious congestion I’ve been having hasn’t stopped with the incense I quit burning. I usually wake up with it, but sometimes I have it in the middle of my day and I have to keep coughing and clearing my throat like when I smoked. Cigarettes, that is. Tom thinks it’s just how my body is. Geez, nice body.

When you spend most of your life on a diet – for reasons I’m still not sure of since I am 44 now, after all – eating a big meal can make you sleepy. I got a meatball grinder, which they call subs out here in the West. Really, if you go into a store and ask for a grinder, they won’t know what the hell you’re talking about, LOL. So after eating 500 calories or more, all I could do was lay in bed.

TUESDAY, MAY 11, 2010 How frustrating it is to post old journals, like I’ve been doing on thoughts.com, only to find some of the longer entries are getting cut off! Yeah, the last one cut off the last few paragraphs. Why’d the hell it let me post it in the first place, and how come it didn’t tell me my post was too large like LiveJournal does??? So I may have to go back and edit the next few entries that I was stupid enough not to check by weeding out some trivial shit. Until the 25th I have one large entry set to launch at around 5pm ET. I may not be able to get to them right away given where my schedule’s at now. Starting on the 25th I will post 3-4 smaller entries that cover just one day. I’m going to probably queue them up to come out at around 1am, 7am, 1pm and 7pm my time.

It’s cold and rainy again, and it’s obviously going to keep doing this every goddamn week throughout the summer, as unusual as it is. It’s still too cold too much of the year here and a part of me regrets not heading further south. It’s one of those climates that isn’t a cold climate, but not quite a warm one either. Tom considers it a warm climate, but to me, lows of 38º in May is not a warm climate.

What’s harder, finding a lesbian who’s not fucked in the head, or finding a guy who wants kids? I wonder these things at times, and I have to say that Marie is so typical of what I’d get before meeting Tom. It’s almost insulting to know I’m still attracting these types, too. She’s right on the outside, but so very wrong on the inside.

Later…

Queued up 4 entries for the 26th, one of which I go off on Andy in big time. Sorry, buddy! I was bitching about the whole world that particular day, actually. The move had been rough on me and left me broke. Then I had to deal with people’s shit on top of it all to compound my frustration. Yes, I’d say I have a much easier life right now, LOL.

I had to laugh when I thought of Stacey. I’d never have guessed back then that she’d one day inspire me to write a story with her as one of the main characters that the whole world could read, and that would actually become quite popular. I’m surprised at all the praise that story’s gotten.

Sometimes I tag the entries in a vague kind of way by using words like “life” or “Arizona,” but other times I’m more specific. Especially with the shorter entries. I’m going to try to be specific more often so that readers can pull up all the “Andy” entries if they wanted to, for example, by clicking on the tags.

MONDAY, MAY 10, 2010 I now have journal entries queued up for posting until the 25th. Starting on the 24th I started posting more entries that were shorter. Until then, though, I’ve got one big entry set to launch each day. I will try to proofread and post 3 entries a day. I’m up to mid-June of 1992 right after moving to Arizona, and what a shitty writer I was back then! I’ve had to restructure a lot of clunky sentences.

Still plan to post the 2007 cruise soon enough too, the “stressful” vacation that turned out to be quite a joyride compared to moving here!

According to these 10 most extraordinary human abilities I read about, we’re all extraordinary here, including the rat, LOL! One ability is absolute pitch which I have. I discovered it in my early 20s. Tom has the built-in calculator in his brain, and the rat seems to have the immortal cells. I swear he’s never going to die! He’s quite old now and has had a tumor for months, yet he shows no signs of checking out anytime soon. Had he been a rat as cool as the last 3 were before moving to Cali, I’m sure he’d be gone by now.

SUNDAY, MAY 9, 2010 Work is slow, the weather’s cold, and running nearly killed me today for some reason, but other than that life is just fine. It’s not cold right now, but it will be late tonight.

Anyway, I don’t know what happened out there today. I hadn’t even gotten through the first song when I had to stop running and get inside. My heart raced like hell, my legs turned to jelly, and I thought I was going to puke. Fortunately, it passed after just a few minutes of laying on the bed with the fan blowing on me. I guess my stomach was too empty.

Marie and I are getting along better now that we’ve limited our contact. I hope it stays this way. Like I said, the more I clash with someone, the more I tend to walk away. And I don’t want to end up having to do that because she is still someone I care about very much.

Marie, my #1 fan for sure, is following my old entries on thoughts.com. I’m amazed she’d want to read something so boring, LOL. I thought she’d figure that because it’s all past stuff, who cares? Sure I had some fun and interesting times to write about back then, but there’s also an awful lot of drama in these old journals, so beware!

Tom said he heard Jesse on the ATV on Saturday and today it was the bulldozer, though he wasn’t close. Yeah, I guess those nervous types always have to be doing something. I pictured him to be the type to sit in front of a TV every chance he got, but I was obviously wrong on that one.

SATURDAY, MAY 8, 2010 Slept better than I did yesterday, though still not great as is usually the case when I’m on nights. I’m so sick of the cold mornings and warm days! I wish it would just stay warm and that we could be in a more stable climate. But it’s too late now. This is where we’ve ended up and anything is better than a climate that gets cold and snowy the way New England and the Pacific Northwest do. Besides, I can’t ever imagine getting up the guts to move long distance again after what happened the last time no matter how much money we had.

Yesterday morning I had to go to sleep with the big comforter over me because it was so damn chilly. But then later on I woke up sweating, with strange dreams, or for no apparent reason at all. I kept falling back asleep, but then I got up for good after just 6 hours of sleep so I was slightly tired.

This time around I went to sleep without the big comforter and woke up cold a few times. The place doesn’t warm up till around noon, at which time I woke up hot and kicked it off. I also woke up just because, as well as after having weird dreams.

Marie wasn’t exactly kind to me in my dreams, LOL! Guess she saw someone write something nasty on a vending machine with her name included in it. She somehow decided it had to be me who wrote it and that she was the one I was talking about. So she came over at night with 2 or 3 friends when I was alone, hell-bent on kicking my ass for it. If they weren’t, they at least wanted to scare the shit out of me and they did a fine job of it, too. I ran and locked the door just as Marie was approaching it. I wondered if I should call the police, but decided to call her on her cell and try to calm her down enough to keep her from busting into the place. She answered and started going off on me, and that’s all I remember.

Despite how angry she can get, harming me is not something I can picture her doing in real life. I think she’d kick the crap out of someone else trying to harm me which would be just fine with me, but I can’t see her raising a hand to me.

I also dreamt I was swimming somewhere in Tonopah, Nevada. There’s also a Tonopah, Arizona which was right near where we used to live. We were in the Maricopa/Stansfield area known as Hidden Valley. Some argue that we were actually in Stansfield and not Maricopa.

I was listening to a song called Machine Gun by Portishead and had to laugh when I thought of my mom. A song like that would absolutely kill her to have to sit and listen to.

I was fine yesterday, but the day before that I had some fierce chest pains. Some were sharp, concentrated cramp-like pains while others were a more spread-out, dull ache.

FRIDAY, MAY 7, 2010 Ever since knowing Tom, some of my dreams include him while in others it’s as if I never knew him. Well, I didn’t know him in last night’s dream. But I knew Marie. I just don’t know what state we were in. We ran into each other as I was walking along some street. She approached me and we started hugging the hell outa each other, happy to finally meet face-to-face in person. We then started walking, hand in hand and not giving a damn who saw us. Sometimes we laughed, other times we were calm and quiet.

In a flash, we were alone in her house. I don’t know if she had roommates or not, but she begged me to be her wife. Although I knew I both loved and lusted her, I was hesitant. Then I said, “Well, okay, but if you ever take your anger out on me physically, I swear I’ll get a gun and shoot you in your sleep.”

She laughed, then she stopped when she saw the serious expression on my face.

“That’s right, Officer. I’m not kidding.”

Then she tells me to go fuck myself and that she never wants to see me again. So I leave and head off wherever and she chases me a minute later saying she was only kidding. I don’t know what happened after that because I woke up.

There isn’t anything else to really update on right now. Been doing the usual. Tom’s been making great money. Like I said, if we could just have a home of our own one day, everything else good that happens after that would be considered a bonus.

THURSDAY, MAY 6, 2010 Today has turned out to be a fun day. I made great money just by doing a couple of quick surveys on the job site, the weather’s gorgeous, we stocked up on groceries, and then we got to enjoy my parents’ package. Unlike in that nasty dream I had, no one stole its contents. The box, however, bore an uncanny resemblance to the one in the dream.

It mostly consisted of clothes for Tom, some of which fit perfectly and some of which are a bit snug. But it is just one more thing to motivate him to continue losing weight. He now has more shorts than he would have bought for himself had he lived another 500 years. Even when we had money, clothes shopping was something we both got in the habit of doing only when we needed to, and he never found it much fun. It’s not that I never found it fun myself, I just never got into things like clothes, furs and jewelry to the degree that most women do. I’m more of a perfume and collectibles kind of person, though I’ve quit the collectibles cuz of the room they take up. But it goes without saying that having these nice clothes means a lot to us and we are extremely grateful!

All the clothes for me were either slightly big or just right, but never too small. I got a couple of skirts and tops and several pairs of jeans. I had just been thinking about how it was too bad that my only long jeans were now way too big on me (a size 16) and on their way to Goodwill. Then in comes nearly half a dozen awesome pairs of jeans! I loved the low-cut skinny jeans I swore I would never get. Yeah, that’s easy to say till you lose weight, isn’t it? The weather’s warming up and I’m showing more skin, so I’m back to making even the 20-year-olds envious with my scary biceps, abs and calves – woo-hoo! Hey, I like looking mean, LOL. I think, though, that no matter how many crunches I do I’m always gonna have a slight lower belly bulge. Guess it’s just a part of aging.

I was glad there was no candy in this package because it would’ve melted before we got the package home. That’s because we went grocery shopping after picking it up.

Lastly, I was thinking that I was glad they hadn’t sent any flags, which is mainly what they sell. There’s no real place here for a flagpole other than sticking off the porch posts. If we had it sticking straight out so we could see it from inside it would block the drive. We’d have to have it angling upward and then we could only see it from outside. Jesse would see it more than we would. Then I was thinking about how much I like wind chimes and windsocks and was remembering a windsock they once sent us back in Freeloaderville. Well, I have half a dozen or so wind chimes, but no wind socks until today! I love the two windsocks they sent, and they were the highlight of this particular package, at least for me. I like the bigger, tropical one best and it’s hanging off a corner of our shed. We used an old mini flagpole of theirs to hang it on. I took a coated hair elastic so it can’t slip back against the wall of the shed. The smaller patriotic one is mixed in with the chimes that hang from the porch rafters.

Whiskey really got excited when he heard me go charging out the door down here all excited about hanging the windsocks. My discussion with Tom started off something like this: I think I want to hang this one… BE QUIET! …over there and that one… BE QUIET! …over there. It would look best… BE QUIET! …on that corner so I can see it from the kitchen… BE QUIET! Dogs are as dumb as they are smart, but definitely nowhere near as smart as rats. Rats can at least figure things out. Like when to shut up, though mine’s not much of a squealer.

They ended up inspiring us to make a smart purchase too, with the $30 or so they sent. One we should’ve made upon moving in here two years ago! At first we discussed spending it at Denny’s or on a new skillet. But then it hit me that I would now have to hang clothes since we’ve now got so many of them, where I used to hang-dry them depending on the weather. I saved a third of the closet rack for that, but now it’s filled up. Well, we don’t have a dryer and we can’t hang them out in the cold, wet winter, yet our drying rack is rather small. So we looked online at these indoor/outdoor retractable clotheslines which I’ve seen in hotels where you pull the line out across the tub when you want to hang clothes. So that’s what we’ll be getting, and in the winter we’ll run the dehumidifier when they’re hanging. Better yet, I wish we had a real house with a laundry area! I miss living in a normal house with full-size appliances that are always hooked up, and with enough counter space and outlets! sighs Maybe someday.

I didn’t read it, but I saw a great headline for once that said, Exit polls: Conservatives fall short of the majority.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 5, 2010 Someone asked me what are the 3 things I’m best at these days and how well I do them.

Singing, writing, and languages are what I’m best at and I’m usually about an 8 on a scale of 1-10. Of course, trying to sing on just a few hours of sleep will pull me down to a 7 or so.

As far as Arizona laws favoring minorities; that’s why most of the inmates in jail were white, yet the nationwide statistics I’ve read say minorities make up for 80% of the crime and inmates. Well, they may make up for most of the crime in Arizona, but not the inmates! Take a white man and a black man and convict them of the same charges, and the white man will almost certainly go down harder than the black man. And if a white person is defending themselves against a white attacker, they call it what it is – self-defense. If a white person defends themselves against a black attacker, however, it’s automatically called a hate crime. So God, if you’re ever going to be mean enough to let someone attack me, please, please let them be as white as I am!!! I know you’ll still protect them from punishment, but this way I won’t be charged and labeled with all kinds of things I am not and made to suffer any more than they themselves made me suffer.

Marie’s feedback response put a smile on my face. I was grinning by the time I got to what she would do to those who’ve burned me if she could. Oh, I know she would take care of them, alright, LOL!

In a sense, I’m helping her keep writing regularly since that’s mostly how we’re communicating right now – by responding to entries. And I know she still loves to hear from me, LOL!

No, I’m definitely no people person like she is, as she pointed out, and yes, she makes a great clown. She has a great sense of humor when she’s not ready to kill.

It was sweet of her to let me know she’d be by my side if I was alone, and I believe it. And that we’d have a couple of kids by now had we been together, though I never wanted more than one, LOL. Don’t get me wrong – Tom would have stuck around and been a great dad had I gotten pregnant. It’s not like he never ever came, and remember, I did have an early-on miscarriage once. What had me so depressed wasn’t that I didn’t have kids in the end. I’m glad we didn’t. We can barely take care of ourselves, so I’m sure one can imagine how much tougher it would’ve been with kids. I wanted to go on living and to be able to do some of the things I’ve done. So the fact that I’m childless today isn’t the issue. The issue is that before Tom came and before I had the miscarriage and some initial testing (where they insert dye into the fallopian tubes) that said I was ok, I was A, convinced I was sterile, and B, unable to coax Tom into seeing a doctor. I believe that A, he was just too shy and embarrassed to deal with it, and B, he didn’t want a kid as bad as I once did to make it worth conquering his shyness. I think some people are just too nice to say “no” and that “no” is hard for some people to say to the one they love, though he did try in his own way just in some of the hints he dropped. The signs were always there saying he wasn’t as into the idea as I was, but I was too blind to see them. Or maybe I did see them and just didn’t want to accept them. But in the end, I loved my husband a lot more than I wanted a kid.

As I also told her, quitting medication is like quitting smoking, drinking or losing weight. Tom read an article on a study that says 21 is the magic number. In other words, if you can get through the first 21 days of any major change, you should have it made. It took me more like 120 days with the smoking, but I did it. And if I can do it, she can do it, but only she can know when she’s ready. No one can make her do anything she doesn’t want to (unless she’s in jails or funny farms), but yes, it will be hard at first if she quit the meds. I was a basket case at first, too.

Marie was right in saying that anger and rage are soul destroyers. I know the feeling! A lot of people see me as mature, confident, stable and jovial, but don’t be fooled. While I may still be all of these good things, I also seethe with rage at times when I think of those who have abused and victimized me in various ways. Sometimes I wish to hell they would magically appear before my eyes so I could do things to them best left to the imagination. I’m not kidding when I say I just might lose it on someone if history repeats itself with the freeloaders in Arizona. I’m much more fragile and explosive than some may think. God sure as hell ain’t gonna take care of any potential perps out there, so it would have to be up to me.

So I told her it’s okay to be angry at those who’ve hurt her. But it’s NOT okay to take it out on innocent people. That’d be like me chewing out someone minding their business in a store or someplace like that simply because Joely of Arizona had me jailed for being a white, Jewish complainer of her noise and vandalism. And it’s ok to tell me – in a civilized manner – if something I write upsets her.

As for Tom’s libido and my own (which she says she hopes he gets back), it’s a common case of long-term partners. Most people would never admit it, but this happens to everyone. My 78 and 79-year-old folks love the hell outa each other. They’d die for each other. But do you really think they’re getting it on? I’m sure they can’t even remember what it’s like to get it on! So while Tom and I are emotionally attracted to each other, there’s no way we’d ever be sexually attracted to each other again, because it’s like playing the same song over and over. Eventually, it loses its newness and excitement. Tom has always had a bit of a low appetite anyway. So even if we were both suddenly horny as hell, I can’t imagine us wanting to have sex with each other simply because we’re not attracted to each other in that way after all this time.

Yesterday I hit writer’s block on chapter 12. I am now more than a third of the way through the story, but not quite halfway through it yet.

Later…

The Klammers are back to being their usual colder-than-New-England selves by getting down to 24º tonight, LOL.

I forgot to write about the rather unpleasant dream I had last night. Tom and I were not only living in an apartment complex of some kind, but it was in a scummy, dangerous area. When I went to get our mail in this lobby-like entryway, which consisted of two regular envelopes and a package from my parents, everything was empty. The neighborhood junkies had removed the contents entirely from both the envelopes and the package.

The good news is that Tom’s been making incredibly good money at the job site lately on a particular job for which I don’t qualify since I didn’t do as many of the initial jobs as he did due to not always being on days. Hey, I always did say God gave me this sleep schedule disorder to hold me back in life! rolls eyes sarcastically The good news is that it provides a hell of an extra cushion for us. The bad is that it’s not quite enough to live on in case they stop the checks before the jobs return, and there are no guarantees they’ll be there indefinitely to begin with. And the more workers they get (and they’re bound to get more with time), the fewer jobs there’ll be for him. Guess we gotta just enjoy it while it lasts, cuz all good things do come to an end.

Later…

HITs are what they refer to jobs as on the site I work at. Well, being the occasional airhead that I am I went and botched up a dollar HIT. It’s a good thing it was only a buck and that I made enough on other HITs. I was supposed to recommend a news article and who would be interested in it. I randomly grabbed an article on terrorism, copied in the URL, then was supposed to recommend it to the general public. Instead, I recommended it to those who are interested in R&B music. Argh! So it got rejected. Yeah, I know, hahahaha, it’s pretty funny. :)

TUESDAY, MAY 4, 2010 Marie stated in her own entry how hard it’s been having people shun, label and judge her all her life for having problems no one wants to deal with. Not her kind of problems anyway. I’ll be the first to agree that people are often quick to empathize with those who are suffering from physical illnesses, but when it comes to mental illnesses they are just as quick to run like hell.

I too, have been shunned, judged and labeled, though I will admit that most of it stopped in my 20s, and that I don’t care as much as most people do as far as what others think. If I did I wouldn’t put 95% of my life online.

In the 80s they didn’t know nearly as much as they do today when it comes to various disorders. I was misdiagnosed several times with various types of chemical imbalances – bipolar, manic-depressant – and I think I was a number of other things too, at one time or another until they finally got it right – ADHD. Despite being hyper and sometimes having a hard time concentrating and sleeping, most of my behavioral problems in the past were definitely a byproduct of my upbringing. There’s no doubt about it and simply no denying it. But back in the 80s, many people found it easier to blame things on chemical imbalances than on traumatic experiences simply because it was easier. It’s easier to take pills too, than it is to face and address the root of the problem. I know. I’ve been there before - Navane, Lithium, Xanax and a million other drugs whose names I can’t remember. I almost started on Tegretol till both my father and I finally put our foot down as far as turning me into a walking pharmacy went. This was some time in the mid-80s, but I didn’t kick my pill dependency altogether till 1990.

I’m not saying no one should see shrinks, therapists or take pills. I’m just saying that I totally believe that labels and pills are widely overused and misunderstood. Our chemicals can become unbalanced simply from not eating right. There are a number of things that can throw us off balance very easily from childbirth to illnesses, injuries to emotional trauma. We all walk a fine line between balanced and unbalanced and I’m not sure a lot of people realize this. But if we all start popping pills every time the shit hits the fan in our lives, what good will this do us other than cause us side effects and possible addictions? So I think this should be a last resort left for the extreme cases only.

I totally understand what it’s like to have feelings of inadequacy and like you’re being singled out and picked on by some unseen force for no damn reason at all. For everything I can do that most people can’t, there is something I can’t do that most people can. I can sing better than 80% of the population yet I can’t even sleep with my own husband because I’m such a light sleeper that his loud snoring and movements wake me up. I can dance better than most people yet I have a driving phobia. I could learn just about any language I want yet I can’t keep a schedule. I could learn just about any musical instrument I wanted yet can’t even do simple math. I can act just as well as the best actors and actresses out there yet the slightest noise has driven me absolutely crazy since being in the projects I was in before leaving New England in 1992.

So I know what it’s like to be gifted, blessed, loved, lucky, fortunate, smart, unique, special and extraordinary as much as I know what it’s like to be punished, hated, cursed, abnormal, freakish, helpless, hopeless, unlucky and unfortunate.

I was saying to Tom the other day, so what if I can sing? So fucking what if I can write well and learn languages? It won’t buy us a house or give us the security we want. Then he pointed out that it isn’t where we end up in life, it’s the path we take to get there. All that matters is that I enjoy the things I do along that path, and I do enjoy them except for the economic concerns.

I believe Marie when she says she would be by my side if I were suddenly alone and that she is determined not to push me away, and I appreciate that. As I told her, I’m sorry my words sting at times, but I do think we’re better off at a distance so we don’t jump down each other’s throats as much. This way I’m still a part of her life and she’s still a part of mine.

There’s this transcription company at the job site that’s been paying really well and has had jobs consistently enough. At the rate we’re going we could soon be up to about 2K a month and that’s what most people make. We’re close right now as it is.

Tom learned that I will get half of whatever he gets when he retires when I’m 66. This is nice to know (if we’re still alive then), but that’s 22 years from now! Damn, am I really that young still?

Last night I had a strange dream about Charlotte, a longtime family friend whom I’ve always adored, but haven’t seen in about 20 years. It was kind of creepy too, and I couldn’t go back to sleep for a while afterward. I’ll have to ask my folks if she’s ok. I think she’s a little older than them, so she can’t have much longer to go. I’ll see if I can find out her DOB. Yup, looks like she’s 81 now.

Anyway, I was at what appeared to be a Chanukah gathering. Present were my parents, the drama queen, and Charlotte. Of course the DQ and I were threatening to kill each other every chance we got. We exchanged gifts, and then at one point, I sat down next to Charlotte who was sitting sort of out of the way. She was suddenly all happy to see me and was hugging me fiercely. She asked how I was doing and I said I was fine. Then she said she was sorry she never got to see me again, and I said, “Never got to see me again? What do you mean, Char? You’re seeing me right now.” But then I realized that she didn’t quite look right, not to mention the fact that she was ice cold as well.

Writing is really therapeutic, alright, and I thank God for it. I’m not going to say what it was, but I learned something a few days ago about someone Tom and I used to know. In fact, they’re related to us. It made me so sad that I was kind of down and out for a while there, but decided not to bother telling anyone about what I learned. I just didn’t see the point in it. Instead, I wrote about everything it made me feel and that seemed to help a lot, only I didn’t put it online. I’m still bummed out, but not as much as I was when I first found out about it. I wasn’t sure whether to scream or cry at first.

MONDAY, MAY 3, 2010 Yay, I can walk around the bed for the first time in two years! Tom and I discussed rearranging the bedroom, but it is just too small to really have much in the way of options. You know Tom and Jodi S. work much too hard to be deserving of any more than a 500-square-foot dump anyway. And so we simply pulled it away from the wall a few inches so I could make the bed up easier. We had to disconnect the platform from the shelves first, but it was simple enough.

Sure enough, Jesse didn’t return yesterday. It was also dead quiet up there. I never heard one single bark. So he either never went out or was out with the dogs. I just don’t get why after all this time Whiskey doesn’t get that barking his ass off isn’t going to bring Jesse back any sooner. I mean, I know dogs aren’t as smart as rats, but still, I thought they could figure at least some things out.

At 6:30 this morning, however, the barking let me know he went to work. So that leaves Tom as my only possible distraction for the day before and after we’ve run the errands we’ll be out running. We probably won’t leave till noon.

I’ve been working on my story like crazy. I can’t believe just how much writing I’ve been doing! But I am determined to create my first full-length novel if it takes me the rest of the year. I don’t think it will, though, at the rate I’m going. Plus I also now have the rest of the plot pretty much mapped out.

Marie started a diary of her own again and I don’t think I should mention the link because she doesn’t seem to want anyone she knows (other than me) to know about it. I got a kick out of its title, but if I mentioned it, that would give it away.

Meanwhile, I still have a very strong feeling I’m going to regret accepting those connection invites from her or even responding to her first entry. She didn’t pester me yesterday other than to send a quick thanks for accepting the invites, and I appreciate that because I think that if we are going to remain friends we’ll have a better chance of it at a distance. I think the more we communicate, the more we’ll fight. As it is, I think she’s going to end up giving me all the motivation I need to be driven away for good. I hate to say it as I don’t mean to be mean or anything, and I’m not implying that I myself am perfect. I know I wrote some mean things about her, even though I was simply stating my opinion and didn’t mean to come off as cruel or negative in any way, and I apologized to her for it, too. I’m just saying that I’m simply not equipped to deal with paranoia, manic-depressants, bipolars, or whatever other labels these things are categorized under. Again, I hate to sound selfish, uncaring and insensitive or like I don’t still love her. I just need stability in my life. I can’t help her in any way, and as she herself says, it only worsens with age. I don’t think she realizes, though, that each time she suddenly bites my head off and falsely accuses me of whatever, she’s only pushing me further away. And eventually, I’m not going to come back.

It’s ok to disagree with someone or to suspect they might have done/said something you don’t like. But just like Lisa, she handled the situation quite poorly. All she had to do was bring it up in a polite and civilized way and I would have gladly discussed it with her as normal adults.

Perhaps I need to start researching various kinds of mental illnesses like Marie and Lisa’s and several others I have known so I can better understand them. Then again, even if I did understand them, what’s the point if they can’t be helped? If there’s no hope for the experts to ever stabilize them, how the hell can I ever be of any help?

They say that if society continues to oust the mentally ill, it only hurts them more and makes them feel all the more like freaks that no one cares about, so the thought of walking away has made me feel guilty. At the same time, I know I’m not responsible for her. I’m not legally obligated to her in any way and I have a right to let go of people who upset me or bring me down in any way. Besides, they make it hard for people not to want to abandon them when they keep swinging back and forth between being sweet and kind and accusing us of plotting against them faster than we can keep up with. It’s back and forth and back and forth, and like I said, each time it happens, the farther away I’ll go and the less likely I will be to give her another chance. How many “chances” can I give her any way to take me at face value and not jump down my throat for something I wrote in the heat of the moment weeks ago?

But “the most beautiful person” she has ever known? The most beautiful?! Wow, that’s quite a compliment if that really is the case! And paranoid or not, she’ll always be my #1 fan.

Last night, as I was laying in bed waiting for sleep, I almost wanted to cry. But the tears simply would not come. I feel so robbed, cheated, picked on, singled out, punished, deprived, abnormal and screwed over by God above! As if being born to the kind of mother I was born to wasn’t bad enough, did He really have to go and throw in all the other stuff as well?

He gave me a husband that I love dearly, but don’t lust for in the way I have with some women, and who was “happy” not to get off in bed. And while my husband was “happy” I wept over the child and career I could never have, and the fact that I was also unable to sleep with this “happy” husband or get in a car and drive to a job because I couldn’t keep a fucking schedule! Furthermore, neither of us has even wanted what would only be one-sided, half-assed sex with each other, we lost one home and two pieces of land, and people have shit on me like crazy and gotten away with it. In the end, I’m almost just as broke as I was 20 years ago and living in someone else’s trashy trailer because I couldn’t keep my home, and the only one I could keep was the one I didn’t want to keep.

SUNDAY, MAY 2, 2010 Nickolena’s baby really had me down yesterday. I don’t know why hers in particular would have me so down since teenage moms are everywhere these days. I guess it’s just a reminder that I never had much in the way of choices in life compared to most people. Had I gotten pregnant at 14 and wanted to keep the kid, my parents wouldn’t have dared support me like Paul supported his daughter and like David and Evie supported theirs. And then I wasn’t even allowed to have one when I wanted one as an adult!

Nor was I allowed to have any career or woman I ever wanted, and I know I never could in the future either. If I suddenly wanted to become a published author in the way I once wanted to be a singer, it would automatically be out of the question simply because it was me who wanted it.

Jesse will be down at 9:30 to finish what he was doing yesterday, or so he said. He’s not usually very punctual, but I hope he gets things finished up at least with this project because my schedule is perfect for it. I won’t get much work done with all the distractions, but it’s better than losing sleep over it.

Jesse came down yesterday, not to the door, but to bulldoze the drive in back. I’m glad I was up since he didn’t have the decency to call, of course, and see if we were up, though he might’ve seen me out running earlier and hanging clothes.

First he bulldozed the weeds while I played with Whiskey to keep it fire-safe from the hot dry summer that we just might get after all, and then he dragged the few remaining logs up to his place. After he gets more diesel, he’ll be back today to finish weeding the areas our electric weeder can’t reach.

Then I guess that leaves the straightening of the fake grass strips and the driveway he wants to create in back leading down to the well, plus whatever other projects he can dream up to annoy me with.

So to finish up before both Tom and Jesse distract me, along with the barking when Jesse takes off later on, I was thinking of Marie a lot yesterday and how I hoped she wouldn’t feel guilty or blame herself for anything. She was just being who she is, and hey, it’s not her fault she has problems. We all have problems. These days my problems may be minimal compared to what they were years ago, but I’m not perfect and neither is my life. So it’s not like I think I’m better than her or too good for her. I just don’t want all to run smoothly for a week or two just to end up getting screamed at because I’m not perfect. And I hate not being taken at face value. If I had some other reason other than busyness for not wanting to do email so often, I’d tell her.

A part of me wishes she had told me never to contact her again and that she forever hated my guts if only because that would have been easier and wouldn’t have left me struggling with whether or not I should at least say hi every once in a while. But I know I could contact her if I wanted to and so I’m just going to have to remind myself that we’d only end up fighting all over again if I did.

But then this morning I woke up to Yahoo connection invites from two of her accounts. Against my better judgment, and realizing I may regret it, I accepted. But I can tell you right now that if there’s any more shit I’ll be gone for even longer next time, and maybe go a step further by blocking her emails altogether. I’m not going to give her any laughs at my expense by sticking around to fight with her, and I’m not going to answer any email today either. I’ve got too much to do on top of whatever annoyances await me here today, and tomorrow I will be out shopping and running errands. I don’t want to be bothered. It’s too soon after the last spat anyway. She knows she can read this journal if she wants to know what’s going on with me, and she did say she always wanted to know whether I spoke to her or not and that she would read it.

Meanwhile, I’m very flattered that she cares about me as much as she does.

SATURDAY, MAY 1, 2010 Just thought I’d jot down some thoughts, questions and feelings before Jesse gets noisy or allows the dogs to go crazy on us when he leaves. Or both. And before Tom gets up and is a potential distraction as well.

Since it’s been a long time since they’ve been mentioned, Tom’s older brother David, who owned the house we bought from him in Phoenix, married a woman named Evie. When she was 40 they had a daughter named Nickolena. A few years later a son named Parker followed. Out of curiosity, I looked them up on Facebook and MySpace. The only one I found, which was on MySpace, was Nickolena, now 16. In the picture with her was what appeared to be a little girl, just as redheaded as herself, of around 2 years of age. Well, Evie’s too old now to have a 2-year-old, it was too young to be Parker and I’m pretty sure it was a girl. So unless it’s Evie’s niece, which I highly doubt, that leaves only one other logical explanation for the kid and that’s that it’s Nickolena’s.

This discovery invoked a slew of questions and feelings within me, not surprisingly. And I’m not going to put this online for any possible family members to read and get a kick out of. I would be totally embarrassed to have them read what I’m about to write, and for one who normally doesn’t give a shit what others think, this ought to tell you something right there.

The first question was: Why, God? Why? As much as things worked out for the better and as miserable as I’d have been with kids of my own, why would God allow what had to have been a 14 or 15-year-old at the time to have a child while He ignored my own pleas for a child many years ago? And the pleas of many other women of reasonable age?

And why would David and Evie even think of allowing her to keep the child and throw her life away before it even has a chance to begin? She’s still a kid herself! Times have really changed because the parents of these teenage moms just don’t regard them with the shame, embarrassment and disgust they did way back when. David and Evie, however, would be the type to let her keep it if she wanted to. They’re that so-called loving, supportive family I never had.

Sometimes I wish I was young again, wanting a kid as much as I used to, and either with a guy who was willing to perform normally that wanted a kid just as much, or with a woman who was willing to have me artificially inseminated. And with plumbing that worked and that I was at least “allowed” to use.

At the same time, I wouldn’t change a thing or trade Tom for the world.

And sometimes I wish Tom and I could get our old libidos back, even if his didn’t quite match mine, but the only person that has seemed to want me in years is a very obsessive and unbalanced woman on the other side of the country.

I also wish I never had to suffer the frustration and depression that went with wanting so many so-called normal things I could never have. Why did God have to bother letting me want a kid in the first place for the years I wanted one if He knew I wasn’t going to have one? I can see once wanting to be a singer and that being impossible but true lust and a baby??? And the ability to keep a goddamn schedule??? That’s a little extreme, don’t you think? This is part of why I have had so much anger toward Him and much sadness as well. It really has a way of making one feel picked on to have been denied the kinds of things I’ve been denied by Him and to have had the kinds of shitty experiences I’ve had. Sure, things could’ve been worse. I could’ve been born to some poor couple in a third-world country that didn’t have brains enough to prevent my existence, thus making me suffer by starving to death. But I think I’ve been dealt a rough enough hand in life in many ways. Why compare and try to make light of what’s bad enough at times? Why bother with the I’m-not-alones or the things-could’ve-been-worse routine when that can never change the facts?

For my own good or not, God still took my dream career. He still denied me any serious lust, the kind I believe most people get to experience at least once in their lives. He still denied me the right to choose whether or not I had a kid. He still took our home. He still let people victimize me and get away with it, too. Tom has been my compensation and while he’s a wonderful compensation, I think I deserve a little more. I don’t want to go back and be a singer. I don’t want to go back and be a mom. But I want any past or future perps to be made to pay for victimizing me, and I want to stop having to worry about money! I want a home, too! If I’m wrong or selfish in any way for wanting these things, then fine, I’ll gladly be wrong and selfish. But God had better start making more of my days a hell of a lot sunnier for once!!!

Sometimes I think of the 3 main characters in the book I’m currently writing, all completely fictitious but very real to me, and I wish I could have had similar experiences with similar people, minus the murder and mayhem, of course. Even though everyone’s looks fade with time, oh to have been with someone I perceived as attractive as I once perceived Kate Jackson and the characters in my books. Oh, to have had the freedom of choice while I could keep a schedule. Oh, to have been able to make money from some of the things I love to do and not just have them all always be nothing but hobbies. Like I said, I can see living with the driving phobia and some of the problems and things I didn’t get to do or have in life. No one gets it all, even if some people sure seem to at times. But enough is enough already! I want to be God’s little princess for once, and I want to break free of these chains and be in the driver’s seat of my life! A good place to start would be with Tom getting a job so we could eventually get a home of our own.

Yeah, God, how about that? Think my husband is worthy of a job? Could we have that much in life? Or are we just such shit in your eyes that we don’t even deserve that much? Would you let the phone ring with a job interview for Tom if I got down on my knees right now and begged, pleaded and cried for you to let this happen? Or would you just go on ignoring me?

Another thing I won’t put online (because I told her I wouldn’t read them) is that Marie sent a message from the journal site yesterday saying she’s sorry.

Yeah, and if I emailed her right now, all would be fine for a week or two, then she’d go off on me for some stupid reason.

Today it was that her phone and email were always open to me.

That’s really sweet of her, but to forgive is to fight all over again and I’m just not interested.

I have thought about Marie a lot and I feel both bad and right for not communicating with her. I hate to make her feel like I don’t care about her problems or that I don’t give a damn what happens to her because that’s totally not the case. I care very much. I just don’t want to go back to arguing. Like I said, to forgive is to end up fighting all over again and I’m just not in the mood. I think we’re both best off moving on. I’ll always cherish her pictures and the memories of the good talks we had, but I hope someone will sweep her off her feet and that she’ll forget all about me and be like, “Jodi who?” if someone mentioned my name later on down the road. I couldn’t fix whatever was wrong with her, and apparently I couldn’t do anything right for more than a week or two either. And I don’t want to upset her any more than I want her to upset me. I will be forever flattered that she cared for me as much as she did and that she liked my writing and was just about my most loyal fan ever, but I don’t want to argue anymore about who said what and whose intentions are what, etc. I will miss her, but not the bickering.

Later…

The journal site is down now so I can’t post what I’m willing to share from my last entry just yet. Went back and studied Nickolena’s picture again. Her profile is private, so all I can see is her picture and status. Her username is surrounded by musical notes and she speaks of shows at some club or lounge. “Today was so much fun I wish I could do it all again. Tomorrow should be the best show yet, so come see it,” she says, giving me the impression she’s some kind of singer. I figured that despite the fact that David and Evie make what’s probably great money, she would be forced to drop out of school and get a job, but to think that at just 16 she’s living out two of my former dreams that I was never allowed to live out really makes me feel all the more singled out, picked on and hated by God above. OMG, I almost want to scream! Or do I want to just burst into tears? OMG, I almost wish these social sites had never been created! If they hadn’t I wouldn’t have been contacted by Tammy, I wouldn’t have had my head and emotions jerked around by Marie, and now I wouldn’t have to be so reminded of how any dream of mine is for someone else to realize and someone else only. Not me!

Meanwhile, I’m happy for you, my dear little niece who’s perhaps a smidgen of a spoiled little princess as well. Your aunt and uncle, 44 and 52, live in someone else’s dumpy old trailer unable to have the things they want in life. They’re not having much fun right now either, and they certainly lost their desire for sex a long time ago. But you’re still young. You can have all the things they once wanted and might want in the future as well.

Later…

Went out for a run that was too short, but long enough to keep my muscles strong and my joints from being a problem.

El cocko’s home cuz the dogs just went galloping through here. I suppose next comes the engine gunning.

[laprincesaelena]

EOA Ship Appreciation Week Day 7: Anything Goes!

a/n: how is it the last day of ship appreciation week already?? this week went by so fast, but time flies when you’re having fun!! this week has been so much fun, and i’m so glad i was able to participate!! i can’t thank you all enough for your love and support this week, i really appreciate it! also, if you haven’t noticed, i haven’t posted a day 6 fic yet. i didn’t feel great the other night, and i had no motivation for writing, so day 6 isn’t done just yet lol. not to worry, that (and a cheesy thank you note for the support this week from yours truly) will be posted in the next couple of days!

i’ve had this fic written for a couple of months now, but i wanted it to be posted today, on my birthday! of course, as if i haven’t projected myself onto elena enough, i headcanon her birthday as my own, february 20th. so, i wanted to make sure this was posted on our birthdays! this takes place mainly on elena’s birthday, and a couple of my adorable gabelena kiddos make another appearance!! it’s just good ol’ family fluff, and i hope you all enjoy!!!

fic is below the cut!

Elena wrapped her arms around her husband and held him close as she said goodbye, goodbye for quite a while. Paraíso was experiencing a similar conflict with a group of malvagos as Avalor had faced before Elena became queen. Elena was still a close friend and ally of Valentina and the kingdom of Paraíso, so she vowed to help them in whatever way she could. She talked to Gabe, and then the both of them talked to Valentina and Manuel, and the four of them decided on sending Avaloran reinforcements to the region, just in case. Besides, the Avaloran royal guards were trained in magic, which Valentina knew would be extremely helpful (and, she wished she had thought of that idea first!). So, in a week or so, a good chunk of Avalor’s royal guard would be sent to Paraíso, and that unfortunately included Gabe. That week went by faster than Elena would've wanted, she was going to miss her husband so much. But, she wasn't the only one who'd miss him.

Their three year old daughters stood beside them on the steps of the palace, wanting to say goodbye to their papí as well. Once Gabe let go of Elena, he knelt down to the girls, and wrapped them both in a hug. Their oldest, Catalina, was very in touch with other's emotions, and she could sense that her mother was worried, so of course, she worried too.

"Are you gonna come back home, papí?" she asked him, her brown eyes filled with concern.

Gabe held his daughter even closer, he didn't want her this concerned about his wellbeing at such a young age. "Of course i will, mija." he reassured her. "I hope to be back in about two months, just in time for your birthdays."

"Can you bring us home a present?" Carolina asked. "Maybe a Paraísan parasol? Oooh, or maybe a big, sparkly tiara!" Though Carolina was definitely Gabe and Elena’s daughter, her bold and girly personality would fit in quite well with Valentina.

"Maybe so." Gabe replied with a smile. "Is there anything you'd like from Paraíso, Catalina?" he asked.

Catalina thought for a moment, before nodding. "Maybe some Paraísan chocolate?" she asked.

Elena jokingly gasped, and looked over at her husband. "You sure this is our kid?" she asked. "These two have been raised on avaloran chocolate, which is obviously the best, thank you very much."

"Oh, she's all ours, mi amor." Gabe replied with a smile, before turning his attention back to his daughters. "I’ll put in your word with the queen, I’m sure she'll be able to get you the most delicious box of it." he said.

Catalina smiled, knowing that she had a box of Paraísan chocolate to look forward to once her papí came home. Though she'd miss him very much, she had something to think about before he came back!

Gabe wrapped his girls in a tight hug one more time. He couldn't wait to come back home to them, he'd miss them so much, along with his wife and son. Speaking of his son, Elena came over to him with six month old Luis in her arms.

"There's someone else who'd like to say goodbye to you," Elena said with a smile, and handed Luis over to his father. Luis smiled being in his papí's arms as Gabe kissed him on the cheek. Gabe was a little bummed he'd miss out on a month or two with him, and possibly a couple of milestones, but he knew Elena would keep him updated.

"And I’ll miss you so much too, mijo" he said, and ruffled the little bit of hair Luis had, which made him laugh.

Elena looked over at Gabe with their children, she was really going to miss this. Sure, it's not like he was going to be gone forever, and it's not like he was going to be in combat every day for months, but still, she just wanted to skip right to the spring when he'd be back home safely. The kids loved their papí so much, and she knew that they'd miss him as well, especially the girls. Elena would have to try her best to fill in for him for the next month or two, but hopefully she'd do alright.

Gabe’s parents had also stopped by to say goodbye to their son, so once they had talked to him for a moment as well, Elena handed Luis back over to Blanca. Even though she had technically said goodbye a couple of minutes earlier, she just had to hold him and say goodbye one more time.

Elena wrapped her arms around him and held him close. "Stay safe," she said to him. "I’ll miss you."

Gabe held Elena tight as well, and placed a kiss to her forehead. "I’ll miss you too.." he said. "Take good care of the kids for me."

"Of course I will." Elena replied, before looking up at him and pulling him in for one last kiss.

Elena didn't ever want them to break apart, since she didn't know when the next time she'd be able to kiss him would be, and she hated the thought of it. She hadn't been away from him for this long since the very beginning of their relationship, when Gabe wasn't even home for their first Navidad as a couple, since the guard was out searching for Victor, Carla, and Ash. But, after a moment or two, they did have to eventually break away.

"Say hi to Val and Manuel for me, alright?" Elena asked him. "I love you.”

"I will," Gabe replied. "I love you too."

With that, it was unfortunately time for Gabe to leave. Elena went and stood beside her girls, and wrapped an arm around each of them, holding them close. Gabe looked up at his family one more time with a wave, before hopping onto Fuego, bound for Paraíso.

Elena stood and watched as he and the rest of the royal guard who were accompanying him left, and stayed on the palace steps until she couldn't see a single one of them anymore. Carolina got bored of that quick, and went right back inside. But, Catalina stayed right beside her mamí, also watching her papí fade off into the distance.

Once they were out of sight, Elena turned to her daughter and picked her up, resting her on her hip. "I heard abuelo and abuela are making pan dulce, would you like to help them?" she asked.

Catalina’s face lit up, and she smiled and nodded. "Yeah!" she said.

Elena was glad to see her smile again, hopefully she'd be able to distract her enough while Gabe was gone, she didn't want her to worry about him more than she already had been. She kissed her daughter on the cheek, and the two of them headed inside.

For the next few weeks, life without Gabe was certainly an adjustment. It felt strange to Elena going to sleep in an empty bed every night. The hardest part had to be managing their three children on her own, or at least with less help than she'd usually have. Of course, her grandparents were always willing to help her out, as were Isabel, Naomi, or Mateo if they were free, but sometimes there were situations where Elena knew Gabe could step in, or know exactly what to do. But, Elena always tried to remember that every day she got through was one day closer to Gabe coming back

Ever since she was a little girl, Elena would always look forward to her birthday, but this year was different. Elena knew Gabe wouldn't be home for it, and she knew that even though she'd have her kids and the rest of her family and friends to celebrate with her, her birthday wouldn't be the same with Gabe not there. She secretly wished he'd be able to come back home, but she knew she would only be getting her hopes up, just for her day to end in disappointment when he doesn't show up. So, the night before her birthday, she fell asleep with a sigh. Maybe the two of them would be together to celebrate in her dreams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elena woke up suddenly to two little voices, as well as them shaking her awake, and jumping up and down on her bed.

"Mamí! Mamí! Wake up!" Carolina said as she continued to shake her awake.

"Happy birthday, Mamí!" Catalina exclaimed, and fell down on her mamí, wrapping her in a hug.

Elena smiled, and wrapped Catalina in her arms, but not before pulling her twin sister into the hug as well. She held them close and kissed them both on the cheek.

"Thank you, girls!" she said, smiling big.

Luisa was the one to let the girls into their mother's room in the first place, and she also had Luis in her arms, so all of Elena’s children could be there to wish her a happy birthday. Luisa came over and placed Luis in between his sisters, so Elena could hold all three of her children close.

"Happy birthday, mijita." she said, and kissed her granddaughter on the forehead.

"Thank you guys so much!" Elena replied with a smile. Even though Gabe wouldn't be there today, she was so grateful for her adorable little family. She hadn't even been awake for five minutes, and she already felt so loved on her birthday.

"We have to have breakfast!" Carolina said. "Bisabuela made confetti pancakes! And we can have whipped cream and sprinkles on them!" she added.

"Did she, now?" Elena asked. "Then what are we waiting for? Let’s go down and dig in!"

The girls wiggled their way right out of elena's arms, and headed straight for the dining room, their bisabuela following behind them. Elena sat up, still holding Luis in her arms. She looked down at her son with a smile, and kissed him on the forehead.

"We’ll have breakfast together, how does that sound?" she asked him. All Luis responded with was a smile, so she'd take that as a yes.

Elena brushed her hair and made herself look slightly more presentable, but with it being her birthday, her schedule was completely clear for the day, so she didn't mind walking around the palace in her nightgown.

When Elena made it downstairs to the dining room, the girls were already enjoying their breakfast. Well, if by enjoying one meant Carolina meticulously placing different colors of sprinkles onto her whipped cream. Catalina was already actually enjoying hers, simply decorating the top with rainbow sprinkles.

"Those look beautiful, girls!" Elena said as she sat down and got her own plate already.

"Thank you! But I think mine is the most beautiful." Carolina said, still alternating between colors to create a pattern of sorts.

"They’re both very beautiful in their own ways." Elena replied. "Now..which colors should I use on mine?" she asked them.

"Do red!" Catalina suggested. "That’s your favorite!"

"No, do pink!" Carolina insisted. "That’s my favorite!"

"Alright, how about I do all our favorite colors?" Elena suggested. "Red for me, pink for Carolina, purple for Catalina, and..Luis doesn't have a favorite color yet, so how about blue?"

The girls nodded in agreement, that would work. Carolina handed over the colored sprinkles to her mother, so she could decorate hers as well. Elena’s certainly wouldn't be perfect, as she was currently multitasking, holding Luis to feed him in one arm and decorating her birthday pancakes with the other. But she was used to it by now, that was just her life as a mamí, and she wouldn't want it any other way.

Once Elena had finished decorating, the twins agreed that hers looked beautiful as well. Then, the three of them, well, four of them, technically, all enjoyed their very colorful, but delicious breakfasts.

After breakfast, it was time for the royal family to get ready for the next part of their mamí's day. Naomi had offered to take them all sailing, and since Elena couldn't resist a day out at sea, especially on a day as beautiful as this one, she had to agree! She dressed her girls in coordinating dresses, of course, with a matching bow in their hair. Luis too was dressed in a cute little outfit. That was one of Elena’s favorite parts of being a mamí, she loved making her little ones the best dressed in the kingdom.

The second Carolina heard that they were going sailing, she started to complain. She didn't like going sailing, since it was always too windy, and it ruined her hair. But, once they got to the docks, and Naomi told her they might see a marposa or two, Carolina immediately perked up.

For the next few hours, they sailed all over Avalor Bay. It was a calm day when it came to the water, but of course, to get a sailboat to move, wind was necessary. So, Carolina wasn't too thrilled with the wind, but seeing a few marposas approach their boat was the highlight of her day. Luis enjoyed the marposas as well, for when they'd jump into the air or do some sort of trick, he'd giggle. Catalina just enjoyed being there with her family. She wouldn't say she loved sailing as much as her mamí did, and not even close to how much her tía Naomi did, but she didn't mind it. Except for when the seas got rough, that's when Catalina really didn't like it. What if the boat tipped over? But, thankfully, it was a calm and beautiful day, and she knew they'd return back to port safely.

But, Elena did notice that they had been out sailing for quite a long time. Not that she minded, she did love to sail, and she loved hanging out with Naomi, but Luis definitely needed a nap, and he ended up falling asleep in his mother's arms. But, Naomi kept sailing around, saying she just had to show them all one more place! This seemed a bit suspicious, but with it being her birthday, Elena knew it probably had something to do with that. But, what was Naomi planning? Or what was she involved in?

Finally, as the sun began to set over the harbor, Naomi finally brought them back to port. Luis was fast asleep in his mother's arms yet again, but he'd be waking up from his second nap that day very soon. Naomi came back with them to the palace, so she could also be there for her best friend's birthday. The rest of the night would simply be for presents and cake, but Elena had a feeling her family was up to something.

When they arrived back at the palace, everything seemed to look normal. But, they hadn't gone inside yet, maybe that's where a surprise was waiting for her! They stepped inside the palace, and everything looked exactly the same as when they left. Maybe Naomi really did have so many places to show them, and wasn't trying to distract her after all..

Elena, her kids, her grandparents, Gabe’s parents, along with Isabel, Naomi, Mateo, and a few members of the staff gathered in the parlor while Elena received her presents. Elena smiled as she opened the card from her girls, they had made it themselves. A barely legible attempt at "love, Catalina and Carolina" was signed, as well as a couple of scribbles from Luis. Though Elena loved getting actual presents too, these handmade gifts from her children were so special to her, and she'd treasure them for the rest of her life.

Elena hadn't noticed, but Naomi had left the room for a moment while she was opening her last few presents. Once Elena had opened her last one, and looked around to make sure she hadn't missed any.

"Alright, guess that was the last one!" she said. "Thank you all so much, I absolutely love everything!"

"Hang on!" Naomi said, coming back into the room. "I’ve got one more!" she seemed to be struggling, carrying a very large box, wrapped in blue wrapping paper, with a red bow on top. Elena definitely wasn't expecting this, but she was quite curious to see what was inside!

"Wow, Naomi, you already got me enough, this is too generous of you!" she said as Naomi placed the box in front of her.

"Oh, it's not from me." Naomi replied with a smile, and went to sit back down on the couch.

"Then who is it from?" Elena asked, looking around the room to see if anyone would claim it. But, no one said a word.

"Look inside! Maybe there's a card in there, or some clue to who it could be from!" Luisa suggested.

Elena raised an eyebrow, but did exactly that. She ripped off the wrapping paper, only for it to be a plain cardboard box. Maybe there was something inside? So, Elena’s opened the box, but it was completely empty!

"What? Naomi, you made it seem like this box weighed a hundred pounds!" she said, looking over to her best friend. "What are you up to?"

"Oh, shoot, did I wrap the wrong box?" Naomi asked, appearing confused. "Maybe I left it out here.." she said, and stood up to open the door. When she did, there was someone standing there, and that person was all Elena truly wanted for her birthday.

The moment Naomi opened the door, Elena immediately recognized who was there. It was none other than the love of her life, her Gabe. Elena gasped as tears began to fill her eyes, and she quickly stood up and ran right over to him.

Gabe smiled and laughed as he opened his arms to her, and caught her tight. Elena wrapped her arms around him and pulled him in for a kiss. She didn't want to break away this time either, since it had felt like so long since she had kissed him. But, eventually, they did have to let go.

"Happy birthday, Elena." Gabe said with a smile, holding her close.

Elena just couldn't hold back her tears, but she didn't mind, since they were definitely happy ones. As much as she loved all of the gifts she'd received that day, all she truly wanted for her birthday was for Gabe to be home. And, she was so surprised that her wish actually came true!

"Y-you're back!" she said through her tears. "B-but I thought you wouldn't be home for another month!"

"Well, I will need to go back later tomorrow," Gabe explained. "But, I talked to Valentina and Manuel, and they let me come home to celebrate with you!"

"Oh, I don't care if it's just for a night, I’m just so happy you're home!" Elena replied, still not letting go of him.

Of course, the girls were so excited for their papí to be home as well, and they rushed over to their parents, and hugged onto his legs. "Papí!" they cried in unison.

Gabe smiled and reached down, taking each of his girls into his arms. He kissed them both on the cheek and held them close.

"Hi, girls!" he said. "I’ve missed you two so much!"

Catalina wrapped her arms around him, and leaned her head on his shoulder. She had missed her papí so much, and was so happy that he was home too. But, her sister, as excited as she was about their father being home, had a bit of a different thought process.

"Did you bring our gifts?" she asked him. "From Paraíso?"

Gabe laughed, not surprised at the fact that was Carolina’s first question to him when he came home.

"Those will be coming when I’m back home for good," he explained. "But, there were some extra sparkly tiaras and the most beautiful parasols being sold for Valentina’s Day last week, and I may have one waiting just for you..."

Carolina’s face lit up at the thought of this, she couldn't wait for her papí to bring those home for her!

Elena then turned to her family and friends, who were all smiling at the sweet moment between the little family. "Were you all in on this?" she asked, to which all of them nodded.

"Oh yeah, and if you didn't already notice, I was the distraction to keep you out of the palace so they could get Gabe in here without you knowing." Naomi replied.

"That did seem a bit suspicious to me, but I definitely didn't think that was the reason why!" Elena replied with a smile. "Thank you all, so much."

"Well, now that our guest of honor is here, what are we waiting for?" Luisa asked, standing up. "A delicious tres leches cake is waiting downstairs for us!"

To the twins, this sounded great! They leaned down to get back on the ground, and headed straight for the dining room, with the rest of their family and friends following behind them. On her way out, Isabel, who had been holding Luis, handed him over to his papí. Gabe smiled, even though it had only been a few weeks since he'd last seen his son, he seemed like he had grown so much!

"And I’ve missed you too, mijo." Gabe said to him. Luis looked up at him with a smile, he clearly missed his papí a lot too!

Elena reached over and took Gabe’s hand in hers, and held it tight. "Let’s head downstairs, before the girls eat all that tres leches cake on us!" she joked. Gabe nodded in agreement, and held Elena’s hand tightly as well, as the two of them made their way into the dining room.

Once they entered the dining room, everyone was seated at the table, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the birthday queen. A seat at the head of the table was empty for Elena, along with a seat beside it for Gabe. On the table was her cake, decorated beautifully by her abuela, with multiple candles arranged around it. Elena smiled, she was so lucky to have such a loving and supportive group of family and friends that will always be there for her.

Elena sat down in her seat, and after a cue from Luisa, everyone at the table began to sing the infamous Avaloran birthday song.

Today is your birthday, we're all here for you!

So make a big wish, and it will come true!

You’re one whole year older, and so we all say,

We love you Elena on your special day!

Usually, sitting and waiting for the song to be over was the most awkward part of a birthday for Elena, but this year, it just seemed different. She smiled and glanced around the room, grateful for everyone there. Then, once the song was over, she called her girls over to help her blow out the candles, since she knew they loved to help out with that. Then, in a group effort, the three of them blew out each and every of them, and Elena was ready to begin another year.

Everyone then enjoyed their cake, which was definitely delicious, tres leches was one of Elena’s favorites. Then, luis started to get tired, so Elena went upstairs for a little bit to get him to bed. Not too soon after, it was the girls' bedtimes, and Gabe and Elena tucked them both in. The girls were so glad their papí was there to read a story to them and kiss them goodnight too, they'd missed him so much. Then, once the kids were all in bed, Elena and Gabe headed back downstairs for another hour or two of the party. Then, all of their guests either headed home or headed to bed, so Elena and Gabe headed upstairs as well.

Once they reached their bedroom, Elena closed the door behind her, and soon found herself leaning against her door, with Gabe pulling her in for a kiss. Elena wrapped her arms around him and kissed him right back, she had missed him (and this) so much.

Once they broke apart for a moment, Elena smiled and was about to say something, but before she even could, Gabe scooped her right up in his arms. She smiled and laughed, and leaned her head on his chest. Gabe placed Elena down on their bed, as she wrapped her arms around him, holding him close as they kissed once again. She really wished that Gabe could stay home for good tonight, but even if he'd have to go back tomorrow, she was so glad to at least have tonight with him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning, Gabe and Elena were fast asleep, all cuddled in each other's arms. They were both up very late the night before, so they ended up sleeping in a bit longer than they had planned. Or, maybe it was just the fact that they never wanted to leave each other's arms, for if Elena never let go, he wouldn't have to leave again, right?

Gabe noticed Elena start to wake up, so he held her a little closer, and kissed her on the forehead.

"Good morning," he said with a smile.

Elena stretched out a bit, and smiled too. "Morning.." she said.

"So, did you have a good birthday?" Gabe asked.

"I had a great birthday, it just kept getting better and better!" Elena replied.

"I’m going to assume that my gifts were your favorite?" Gabe replied.

"No, no, Naomi’s cardboard box was definitely the best." Elena joked. "I’m kidding, I’m kidding, yes, yours were my favorite, all of them."

"Well, I’m glad you loved them.” Gabe replied with a smile.

"I sure did," Elena replied. "But I love you even more." she added, and pulled him in for a kiss.

"I know you'd just love to lay here with me all day, and I’d love to as well, but I do have to leave tonight.." he said with a sigh.

Elena sighed too, she really didn't want him to leave. But, she was very lucky that he was able to come home for her birthday, and she wanted to spend as much time with him as she could before he left.

"I guess you're right.." Elena replied. "We should probably get up soon, then.”

"I think so too," Gabe said. "Besides, the kids will probably be looking for you, especially Luis."

"Good point!" Elena responded. she rolled over to start to get up, and headed over to her vanity to begin brushing out her hair. She sighed, knowing that in only a few short hours, Gabe would be headed back to Paraíso once again.

“I really wish you could stay a bit longer, even for another day..” she said.

"Trust me, I wish I could too." Gabe agreed, getting up as well. "But hey, you'd rather me come home for just a night instead of us having to be apart for your birthday, right?" he asked her.

Elena nodded as he came over and wrapped his arms around her from behind her. "Absolutely," she said, placing her hands on top of his. "I was so happy you were able to come and celebrate with us, I wouldn’t want to spend my day with anybody else..”

"Well, unfortunately I do have to go back.." Gabe replied. "But, we're closer to when I’ll be back than to when I left, and I’ll be back home for good before you know it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And, the next few weeks did go by very quickly for Elena, but, the week and a half or so before Gabe was due to return felt like years. Elena had seemed to come down with some sort of bug, and was so sick. At one point, she could barely even get up and out of bed, she was so weak from barely being able to keep anything down. She was definitely glad that she got the cute reunion with Gabe she had hoped for on her birthday, since she didn't know if she'd even be able to get out of bed to welcome him home. But, even though she still wasn't feeling the greatest, on the day he was coming back, Elena forced herself out of bed. She did manage to keep down a couple of fluids, hopefully that'd be enough to keep her on her feet for the rest of the day. 

Elena was so looking forward to Gabe coming home for a long list of reasons, but one of them was something she hadn't thought of before he had left. Her diagnosis a a week or so back was pretty basic, most likely just a bug or a virus. But, Elena knew that she probably should've been feeling better a few days later. It had been practically two weeks, and she still felt terrible, along with not being able to keep much down at all. She thought back and tried to rule out some things, such as if it were just something she had ate, or if she had been near anyone who may have been sick. But, there was one more thing she hadn't ruled out just yet, and she wanted to wait until Gabe was back home to do so.

The day he arrived back home, his family was waiting for him exactly where he had been when he left. Elena and the girls stood on the palace steps, and of course, Luis was there too, and smiled the second he saw his papí again. The twins rushed down the steps as soon as Gabe hopped off of Fuego. He picked them both up and kissed them on the cheek, before showing them what he'd brought home. Carolina was thrilled with her pink Paraísan parasol and extra sparkly tiara, and Catalina received a box of Paraíso’s finest chocolates, as well as a hand-painted fan.

Then, he went up the steps to see Luis again, before heading over to his wife, and picking her up and spinning her around. But, he didn't know that Elena had been sick, so he was a bit confused when she asked him to be put down, usually she loved when he did that! Elena stood away from him for a moment, tightly wrapping her fingers around her thumb, something she had learned could help her hold off a bout of nausea, or getting sick.

"Are you alright?" Gabe asked her, concerned.

Elena nodded, and took another moment to take a breath, before turning back to him. “Yeah, I am, it's just that i've been pretty sick lately, and I’m still not feeling too great." she explained. "I was told it was just a bug or virus, but I feel like I should've felt better days ago if that was the case..”

"You can go back to bed if you're not feeling good," Gabe replied. "You didn't even need to come out here if you weren't feeling good, I’d understand."

"No, no, the fresh air is probably good for me, anyways." Elena responded. "But the thing is, as I said, I feel like I should've felt a lot better by now, so I don't think it's really a bug or virus.."

"What do you think it is, then?" Gabe asked. He seemed to get a bit more worried as she continued to speak, he really hoped she was alright. Sometimes Elena had a tendency to hide her symptoms and insist that she was fine, but what if she did that, and whatever she had got worse?

"Well, I was thinking back as to what it could possibly be, and you remember my birthday, right?" Elena asked. "You know, that night?"

The second Elena mentioned that date, everything clicked for Gabe, he knew exactly what she was getting at. "Oh.." he said. "Do you think you're.."

"I don't know," Elena replied. "I wanted to wait until you came home to find out, so I’m having the physician stop by later today.”

Gabe nodded. "Well, whatever it may be, I hope you feel better soon," he said, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. "And if you need to rest, or you need me to get anything for you or help you out with anything, please let me know."

"I will." Elena replied. with that, the two headed back inside the palace, to continue on with their day.

For the whole rest of the day, Elena couldn't stop her mind from racing. This didn't work out too well for her, as she noticed a few things around the castle beginning to emit a purple glow, which was never a good sign. Her anxiety also didn't help her nausea, in fact, it made it worse. So, for a good portion of the day, as she had been for the past week, Elena was in bed. Even then, she couldn't stop herself from thinking of the possible outcomes of tonight, or the rest of the week.

Once Gabe had put Luis in for a nap, he headed back to his and Elena’s room. He too was a bit anxious to find out whether or not Elena’s intuition was right, but he wasn't half as nervous as she was. He found her laying in her bed, fidgeting with her hands, which was usually a sign she was very anxious, other than her emotion magic showing off obvious signs.

Gabe sat at his wife’s bedside and was about to say something to her, but before he could even finish his sentence, the physician arrived, and Elena immediately sat up.

“Let’s just get this over with.." she said to herself.

"Whatever happens, just know that everything's going to be okay." Gabe reassured her in a whisper. “And, I’m always with you."

Elena smiled slightly and leaned her head on his shoulder. He was right, no matter what the outcome was, they'd always have each other.

Soon, a second diagnosis had been agreed upon. The physician only had to say one word, “congratulations,” for Elena to know. Her intuition was correct all along, she was pregnant again.

"Here we go again..."

[writerlyhabits]

Old Friend

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x female reader

Word Count: 8.0k

Summary: Your old friend from high school comes into town, so you and Bucky take her and her husband out dancing at Morelli’s. Though maybe putting a WWII enthusiast in the same room as one of the Howling Commandos wasn’t your greatest idea… 

Ch 9 of the Neighbors Series | Masterlist | Ch. 8 | Ch. 10

Warnings: shameless flirting, cheesy 50s slang, pet names cause they’re dumb, slight panic for Bucky and our reader but nothing too serious, I don’t know how to swing dance but I write about it anyway, idk guys it’s pretty fluffy

AN: Whoops my hand slipped. The idea for this chapter was actually like the whole backbone of this series – once upon a long time ago it was supposed to be chapter four… and here we are 😂 Not only was this picture of Seb a heavy influence, but it's actually based on some of my personal experiences and people I’m friends with in real life (I didn’t introduce their characters very well, but they won’t come back so it’s fine lol) and I had a fun time interpreting them and their interests into my little Neighbors universe 😂  Thank you as always to my beloved @deceiverofgodss for staying up late into the night countless times to help me fight through this chapter, ily 💛 I won’t lie, it’s a little bit of a filler chapter, but I hope you guys enjoy! 

Picture credit unknown

“I remember you telling me about that! How was it?” you asked as a familiar knock came to your door. As your old friend from high school continued on the other side of the phone, you couldn’t just yell out to him, so you got up off of the couch to let your stray super soldier in. The one who had a key, knew how to use it, and still knocked on your door when he wanted to come over. ‘I don’t wanna intrude, or catch you off guard,’ he’d reasoned, so you settled; when he knocked, you yelled back. Well, when you could. 

“... and no matter how many times that mom yanked him away, I swear, I thought he was going in,” she admitted, rambling about some story from her and her husband’s visit to the Lincoln Memorial. When in DC… You laughed along with her as you opened your door, immediately met with a bright smile and Bucky’s shining blue eyes, and you noticed the bag of fruit in his hand as he followed in behind you. 

“That would’ve been a fun story to retell later,” you started, closing the door and turning around to find Bucky slipping his free hand around your waist as he pulled you close. The hand you didn’t have your phone in instinctively latched around his neck, and he watched you closely as he waited for you to finish talking. “Can you imagine? ‘Oh, the trip was great, aside from having to fish little Jimmy out of the Reflecting Pool’.” He gave you a quizzical look as you finished your statement, but it didn’t last long, swooping in to steal a kiss from you as laughter came through the speaker. 

“Hi doll,” he whispered, and you hummed in amusement against his lips as he kissed you one more time. Your hand lingered on his shoulders as he leaned back to set his fruits on the counter, pulling you with him. 

“Oh my gosh, and I wish you could’ve made it so you would have seen Gabe, he almost fell over trying to look all the way up the Washington Monument.” You giggled lightly at the idea of her husband’s antics. The man in your arms turned back to you and nodded at the phone in your hand. 

“Who’re you talking to?” he nearly mouthed. You tilted the phone away from your mouth ever so slightly to respond. 

“It’s Bella,” you answered, and he nodded in understanding before he curled back into you and tucked himself in the crook of your neck. 

“Who’s there with you? I can let you go if you’ve got company!” You felt him smile against your skin as he heard the similar question echo back from the other end. 

“You’re fine, James just walked in. My other job is being his entertainment in the afternoons, so he’s asking who stole me away.” Bella laughed with you as you reacted to the vibranium finger that poked your side, flinching impossibly closer to him. 

“Oh! I remember why I called! I keep forgetting that one of our ticket reservations got moved to Saturday night, so we can’t make it to swing dancing with you guys. Which sucks, I really wanted to go, it sounded so fun!” She lamented, and you couldn’t stop yourself from slouching a little in your disappointment, the strong arms around you taking your extra weight without hesitation. You opened your mouth to respond, but paused when Bucky lifted himself to your ear with a purpose. 

“What are they doing tomorrow? Morelli’s has dance nights all week,” he offered, lingering there to place kisses just under your ear. Little shit… he was at least being discreet, but he knew how much you loved that spot, and no doubt took pride in the extra pause you needed to compose yourself enough to relay the information. 

“That’s actually perfect, we kinda had a gap in our plans that night. And I’ll have a chance to wear the dress someone insisted I didn’t need to pack.” You giggled as you heard her husband grumble something in the background before the two of you said your goodbyes, and Bucky stood up to look at you properly, ready for your attention to shift back to him. 

“Hey there Sarge,” you said sweetly, linking your other hand around his neck now that your phone had been discarded. 

“Hey yourself,” he replied, donning a boyish grin – having taken to the not-so-new nickname very well – before he leaned down to steal another kiss from you. You hummed as his lips met yours, and after a few lingering pecks he was pulling away to look at you, lifting a hand to tuck a stray piece of hair behind your ear. 

“So, Morelli’s on a Friday night? That’ll be a treat,” you started, hoping to get more information out of him after he was so quick to offer a solution. But as you questioned him, his eyebrows seemed uncertain as he smiled at you sheepishly. 

“I- yeah… They’ve got a different theme for each day; Fridays are Fifties nights, and- yep, I knew you were gonna like that,” he chuckled, cutting himself off as he watched your expression change, eyebrows shot up and your eyes wide as the corners of your mouth tilted upwards. 

“Oh my god, James?! Why haven’t we ever been on a Friday?” You asked all too excitedly, already wondering to yourself where that old poodle skirt you’d bought for a costume years ago had escaped to. 

“For one, because Saturdays are swing nights,” he said with a pointed look, playfully reminding you just what it was he did with you every week. “But also… because I don’t know anything about the fifties.” It came out shy and a little quieter than his last statement, but it was earnest, and kind of adorable. 

Oh, this would be fun. 

“You’re in luck, because I just happen to like old things.”

“Mmhmm, I noticed.” You brought your hands down to smack his chest in response, giggling with him as he held you close and wouldn’t let you escape. “But can your expertise fix a man out of time with… this?” He asked genuinely, holding out his left hand for emphasis, though it was still gloved. You pried one of your hands out from between you to take the glove off for him, admiring the vibranium plates and the gold detailing. 

“By the end of the night, you’ll pass off as a proper Danny Zuko. And you can do it all while wearing this jacket you love so much,” you mused, fiddling with the lapels of the leather jacket he’d yet to slip out of, holding you clearly being his top priority. 

“Danny… why do I get the feeling there’s a cheesy movie involved?” He asked skeptically. You only giggled mischievously as you patted his chest, slipping out of his grasp and making your way to the kitchen. 

“Grease is the easiest way to catch you up, so we’re gonna watch it, cheesy or not.” He only groaned behind you as you opened the fridge, hearing him finally slip out of his jacket and toss it on the coffee table. “And I don’t feel like cooking, so come pick your leftovers.”

“How much of that soup is left?” he asked, but before you turned to answer him he slipped behind you, one arm on the small of your back as he made his way to the fruit bowl on your counter. He emptied the contents as he spoke, gently placing each deep purple fruit on top of the others. “I don’t feel like doing dishes, you and I could share the rest if there’s enough?” 

“Plums, huh?” you smiled as you watched him keep the last one in his hand, taking the large bowl of soup out as he looked up to acknowledge you. “You get those from that cart that’s always set up at the park?” He only hummed in response as he bit into the small fruit, and you didn’t even need to be looking at him to tell how juicy it was. He groaned in approval, and you couldn’t help but smile.

“They were perfectly ripe, I couldn’t pass ‘em up,” he said through a mouthful, leaning against the counter as you went to reheat the remnants of the meal from the week before. “I haven’t had any this good since Romania.” 

“Remind me when that was again…” you tried, brows furrowed as you tried to remember all of his destinations and what order they went in. It wasn’t exactly something the two of you talked about a lot; he didn’t bring it up, and you didn’t push. So when he did mention it, you were sure to hang onto every word. 

“That was after I didn’t bomb the U.N.” he replied nonchalantly, holding the purple fruit out to you. He watched you carefully as you leaned forward to take a bite of it in his hand. 

“That was with that Zemo guy, right?” you asked through a mouthful, and Bucky nodded. “Whatever happened to him, anyway? I don’t remember much, the coverage on all of that got super complicated at the end.” 

“They’ve got him in a high-security facility in Berlin.” You paused for a second just looking at him, a little taken aback by the fast response and waiting for the elaboration you could feel accompanying it. “They uh, kept pretty tight tabs on him in Wakanda.” You couldn’t blame them… 

“So he’s pretty much done for life?” Bucky raised an eyebrow at you as you spoke up, finishing up the rest of his sweet snack. “I mean, it doesn’t exactly sound like he’s getting a chance at parole. And even if he did, the Wakandans seem like they’re ready to swoop in.” 

“Something like that,” he muttered, the corners of his lips teasing a smile as he continued to look at you. You could feel your cheeks heat up, preening under his tender gaze. 

“What?” You asked, your brows furrowed as he kept looking at you so intently. He stayed quiet as he reached a hand up to cup your cheek. 

“You got a little something right here…” he trailed off, leaning in to kiss the corner of your mouth, always one for dramatics as he kissed a drop of the plum juice off of your face. He lingered to press his lips against yours and with each one he lingered a little longer, kissed you a little deeper, pulled you a little closer, giving in to the way your lips molded together…

Until the microwave alerted you that dinner was ready. 

“Did you get it?” you asked coyly as he pulled away ever so slightly, a hint of irritation at the interruption evident on his brows. But there was a reverence in his eyes as he looked at you, thinking of his response, 

“Mhmm, I think so.” 

“Good, cause we’ve got a movie to watch.” The groaning returned as he slouched against the counter again, clearly wanting to roll his eyes but thinking better of it when you raised your eyebrows at him. “You brought this on yourself, you knew I wasn’t gonna let you get away with not knowing anything,” you reasoned, placing the bowl in one of his hands and dragging him to the living room by his free one. 

“How ‘bout you just tell me about the fifties instead? I’m a great listener,” he tried as he plopped down onto your couch, tucking into you as you reached for the remote, and nuzzling himself into the spot below your ear again. 

“James, if you keep complaining I’ll make you watch an Elvis movie, too.” You chuckled as his forehead met your shoulder, making yourself comfortable tangled up in his lap. 

…

Bucky gave himself one last once-over in the mirror, smoothing out the very tight white t-shirt you asked him to wear tucked into his dark jeans, figuring it was as good as he was gonna get. You would fix it for him if you decided you needed to, he assured himself as he slipped on his leather jacket and grabbed his things off the front table. 

He smiled to himself as he approached your door, an upbeat tune he didn’t recognize blasting through your apartment as he lined his key up to the handle. He wrapped his vibranium knuckles against the door, and he could just make out your usual shout of admittance over the speakers. 

“I did the best I could, what’dya think, doll?” he asked the seemingly empty apartment, though he could see glimpses of movement from you in the bathroom. 

“I’m sure you did great, lemme see,” you smiled as you stepped out of the doorway, fastening one of your earrings before you took him in. And as your eyes raked over him, he felt his breath hitch as he was treated to your outfit for the night. 

Your black, quarter-sleeved blouse hugged your body flatteringly, the neckline high enough to allow the sleeves to begin just past your shoulders. You had it tucked into the poofy, light pink skirt that featured large pair of cherries, the whole look completed by the black and white saddle shoes you’d raved about finding last week. When his eyes traveled back up to your face, your hair pulled together in a fun updo, he found your eyebrow raised and your hands poised at your hips. 

“Well hey there Daddy-o, aren’t you just a hunk of heartbreak?” you smiled, and he couldn’t help the dopey grin that spread across his face at your playful attention, more than ready to reciprocate. 

“I don’t wanna break your heart, doll face,” he teased, reaching out to pull you into him by your waist, making you laugh as he cupped your cheek to get you to look back up at him. “How’d I do? Really?”

“You did great, you look like a proper greaser,” you said softly, smoothing your hands over the lapels of his jacket before glancing up at him through your lashes. “You gonna take me parking? Play some backseat bingo?" You asked sweetly, your voice lilting in a velvet tone he rarely heard from you, and it took more effort than he cared to admit to stop himself from displaying just how much he liked your suggestion. No… instead, he was gonna turn it back on you so that you were the flustered one. His favorite game. 

“Oh? And what does that mean?” he asked innocently, immediately throwing you off your rhythm. Your eyes dropped from his, dancing around his lips and away to his jaw before you realized neither were going to help you. 

“I- well- it’s nothing… c’mere I’ve gotta fix your hair,” you stumbled nervously, trying to pull away from him with a soft smile as you backpedaled out of your teasing. But he wasn’t done with you. 

“You don’t wanna do some necking in the back of my Grease Lightning?” He asked as he followed you, stopping you on your way by grabbing at your hips. You giggled as your back hit his chest, shying away from the super-soldier when he began attacking your neck with chaste kisses. 

“James, we’ve gotta get going soon!” You managed, and he admitted defeat. Placing one last kiss on your cheek before he relinquished his hold, accepting your hand in his when you made to drag him into the bathroom. 

It was a small space, a little cramped with his muscular frame towering over yours, but maneuvering the room together was a dance the two of you had come to know well. You didn’t hesitate to direct him to sit on the counter as you sorted through the array of tools beside the sink, turning back to him as you gathered product on your hands. And he kept his chuckle to himself when you had no qualms over standing between his legs, getting right up in his space. That’s where he liked you. 

But then your hands went in his hair…. He couldn’t help but close his eyes as you raked your fingers through his short hair, your nails scratching his scalp just right, pushing it this way and that… 

“Mmm, I gotta warn you peach, the last person who played with my hair like that…” he sighed, fingers toying at your sides as he wiggled his eyebrows playfully. He peeked his eyes open to find your gaze concentrated on his hair, but a smile on the corner of your lips. 

“Keep it in your pants, Barnes, we’re gonna be late,” you breathed in amusement as you finished your work, tilting your head towards the mirror to get him to take a look. Not wanting to move from where he was –better yet, to keep you where you were– he simply turned to look at himself over his shoulder, holding your waist as a counterbalance while he eyed the pompadour you had crafted. 

“I look like I’m from the wrong decade,” he teased, delighted by your snicker. His focus was pulled from his own reflection to yours as he watched you lean across the counter for something, smiling when his hold prevented you from going far. 

“At least we match decades now,” you mused. He watched with unabashed interest as you picked up a tube of chapstick and decorated your lips with it. Lips he couldn’t keep himself away from…

“Can I get some?” he heard himself ask, and you hummed in response as you held the tube out to him. If you had turned to look, you would have seen the brief offended glare he gave the object in your hand. You knew him better than that.

Instead, he used his free hand to push it away, his grip light as he held your jaw to make you face him. He took a brief moment to admire your wide eyes before pulling you closer, kissing you soft and slow like he knew drove you crazy. His hand slipped behind your neck, the other firm on your waist as your lips slotted together. Your hand left the counter and brushed over his thigh, leaning into his touch, making him consider staying right here just a little longer. 

But he leaned back, and couldn’t help the sly grin that crept upon his face as he watched your eyelids flutter open. 

“Thanks, sweets.” He gave you a quick pat to your rear before untangling himself from around you, the chapstick forgotten in your hand as he slipped past you and through the door to the living room. He was only glad you couldn’t see the dumb smile on his face when he heard your exasperated giggle, proof that he’d left you properly flustered.

… 

“You weren’t kidding, this place is adorable,” Bella exclaimed as she walked up to the two of you, having stood outside of Morelli’s to wait for the rest of your party. She was dressed in a navy blue, sailor-style dress, a white crinoline filling out the skirt for her trademark rockabilly style. It hugged her curves in all the right places, matched perfectly with a bandana tying up her dark hair, and a pair of mary-janes with anchors decorating the toe. 

“You haven’t even seen the inside, just wait,” you raved excitedly as you wrapped her in a tight hug. 

“This is cool, that there’s a whole place dedicated to dancing. Back home we just go to the USO,” her husband Gabe explained as he reached out to shake Bucky’s gloved hand. In almost a comical difference from the soldier’s broad, leather-covered shoulders, Gabe wore a simple collared bowling shirt tucked into a pair of slacks. 

“You’re kidding, they still do that?” he asked excitedly, and as you pulled away from your old friend you watched as panic slowly started to cross over his face, looking over at you to rescue him. 

“Some of them! Obviously, it’s not as popular as it used to be, but it’s popular enough in our little town that they keep it going,” she rattled off, catching your partner by surprise while hers merely chuckled beside her. “And he always makes fun of me for my useless wartime knowledge, but it’s cool and you know it.” 

Bucky’s skepticism seemed to shift itself into a smile at her comment, and you couldn’t stop yourself from curling back into him, your hands gripping the leather sleeve of his jacket. 

“James is a bit of a history buff, too,” you started, giving his bicep a squeeze as you made the pun, sharing in a round of giggles as he flexed it in your hands for added effect. “I’m sure you two will have plenty of weird tidbits and war stories to share.” 

“They might just keep each other occupied long enough for the two of us to slip inside unnoticed.” Gabe nodded in the direction of the diner as he teased, and it was as sufficient a cue as any to begin leading everyone inside. 

As you had suspected, the diner looked no different than any other Saturday night you had gone with Bucky, but the atmosphere was completely different. Poodle skirts and leather jackets were everywhere, a handful of exaggerated Elvis style wigs could even be seen in the commotion, and early rock and roll blasted through the speakers to replace the crooners and big bands you were used to. 

You found yourselves situated around one of the taller tables near the dance floor in the back – all of the booths having been taken, the crowd a little larger than Saturday nights – getting settled as the newcomers took everything in. It was a nice change of routine, starting your night at the Diner with Bucky standing so close to you, leaning against the table with one hand resting on your hip to keep you close. 

“So what did you guys do today? I feel like there’s an adventure you haven’t told me about yet,” you grinned, deciding to wait until the song changed before you tried joining the dancefloor. The music may have changed, but the couple's moves were more or less the same you and Bucky were used to. Before answering, Bella’s face changed to a reserved smile that seemed to hold a hint of disappointment. 

“Well, we were at the Smithsonian today, but didn’t get to see everything we wanted,” she explained. 

Your heart jumped to your throat, and you felt Bucky’s grip on you tighten. 

“Oh? Which, um… which museum did you go to?” you managed, trying to act casual as you could feel your partner start to shift himself so he was turned towards you, trying to shy away from receiving any of their attention. 

“The Air and Space. She’s been antsy to go this whole trip, I’m sure you know how much she’s been dying to go see the Captain America exhibit.” her husband teased, and you had to make an effort to smile with them as you remembered to breathe. 

This had to be some cruel trick the universe was playing on you… Was this how Bucky felt the day you saw his face in the museum months ago? Fuck, this is torture. You spared a glance at the man beside you, a forced hint of a smile on his lips as he looked out over the restaurant before glancing back down at you. Trying to ease his mind, you stepped closer into his embrace, resting one of your hands over the one he had on the table. He began rubbing circles across your back in response, waiting for the other two to say something – anything. 

“If only I’d have been able to see it,” Bella sighed. 

What?

“You didn’t go in?” Bucky asked only a little eagerly, able to pass it off as empathetic disappointment. 

“We couldn’t, they had it closed for renovation. I think they’re adding something to the exhibit?” You ignored your previous caution as Gabe explained, immediately looking to your super-soldier to find him doing the same, brows furrowed in confusion. 

“What are they adding?” You asked, wracking your brain as you tried to think of anything you’d seen or heard recently that might have had to do with the late Captain. Just one of the perks of spending so much time around James Barnes.  

“They didn’t say. Maybe they’re just giving it an update after everything that’s happened?” He continued, shrugging his shoulders in uncertainty. You did your best to recover the appearance of a normal level of curiosity as Bucky continued to smooth a comforting hand over your back, and you could feel him release a breath of relief to rid himself of any previous tension. 

“I’m sorry, this is gonna seem so random,” Bella laughed, looking directly at your partner. You realized, as your brain started to catch up with you again, that she’d been watching him for the past several minutes. “I hope it’s not weird, James, but I just have to tell you that you look so familiar.” 

“I- Are you sure? It’s not just this get-up I was told to put myself in?” He recovered beautifully, and you forced a breathy laugh at his tease. Thank god he was so quick on his feet…

“No no, it’s your face… I don’t know, for whatever reason I feel like I’ve seen you before,” she continued earnestly, smiling sheepishly as she continued to study his face. 

Your heartbeat was thumping in your ears as you looked back at him, willing yourself to come up with something that would lead her thoughts away from any pictures of a young Army Sergeant she may have come across in her fascination with the Captain and his Howling Commandos. She couldn’t have picked any other Avenger to latch onto? It had to be Steve? 

“Sorry, I know that’s weird,” she laughed, shaking her head as if to be rid of the thoughts, and you couldn’t have been more relieved with the conversation change. “We came here to dance, I don’t wanna keep us off the dancefloor!” 

“That sounds like a great idea,” James piped up, returning back to his usual self now that loose ends were… well, maybe not tied up, but tucked away at the very least. “I heard you two have been dancing for a few years?” 

“Once we went out to the USO, we haven’t stopped going back,” Gabe explained, looking at his wife reverently, a small act of affection that you couldn’t help but smile at. You leaned back against Bucky’s chest, a warmth washing over you as he pressed his lips ever so gently to the top of your head. 

“Oh this is gonna be a blast, it’ll be just like when we learned in high school!” Bella exclaimed, and you wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. 

Why did you think introducing her to Bucky was a good idea?

You dared not look at the man towering over you, making a point to look in the opposite direction as his eyes bore into the back of your head. You watched out of your peripherals as your dear old friend gave her husband a glance before chuckling amongst themselves. 

“Uh oh, did I say too much?” she smiled, entertained by Bucky’s behavior as much as you were trying not to be. 

“Oh, not at all,” he answered huskily for you, and it took everything in you to keep your composure. “I just seem to remember a certain someone begging me, ‘Oh please James, teach me how to dance’,” he said in an exaggerated tone, raising the pitch and drawing it out just to mock you. 

God, you wanted to smack him. 

“Okay, first of all, I didn’t say it like that,” you snarked as you whirled around to face him, finding yourself right up in his space as you pointed an accusatory finger at him. His cocky grin only grew as he kept watching you with a cocked eyebrow, and you elected to ignore the giggles coming from across the table. “And, in my defense, we learned in gym class forever ago where I had to lead because there weren’t enough boys in the class.” 

“That’s right, that guy who liked you wasn’t too happy about it,” Gabe piped up. Bucky gave him a sideways glance, silently begging for more information that he would no doubt use against you. “I remember he came whining to her, talking about how much he’d wanted to dance with her.”

“Well I don’t know that I can blame the kid,” he said sweetly, turning back to you and making your cheeks heat up. You could tell there was more he wanted to say, but for whatever reason – maybe present company – he held his tongue. 

“I wanted to start from scratch, so I very nicely asked you to teach me,” you defended, watching Bucky nod in mock disbelief, and you almost rolled your eyes at him. “Besides, you like doing all those fancy moves, I didn’t know how to do those before you.” You held his gaze long enough to watch his attitude shift into something that could only be described as adoration; sometimes you hated how much you loved it. 

“Alright then, you’re forgiven,” he winked at you, and this time you really did roll your eyes. 

“Wait, what kind of fancy moves? I need to see this in action,” Bella squealed, making for the dance floor as the current song was coming to a close. 

Bucky was eager to join your friends, but before he could get far you placed a hand on his chest to keep him beside you at the table. Watching closely to make sure the other two were out of earshot, you leaned in close so that you were just beside his ear. 

“What are you-”

“Just watch them for a second,” you whispered, waiting for him to glance back out at the dancefloor before turning to do the same. And, just as you had suspected, you watched your friends dance the exact same way you had all learned in school – badly. 

You turned back to look at your partner, linking your arms around him under his jacket, as you waited for his reaction; his furrowed brows and confused expression were better than you could’ve guessed. 

“They’re so… stiff. Are they just stepping side to side? It’s so- oh, please tell me that’s not how he spins her, tell me it’s a joke right now,” he muttered under his breath so only you could hear him, his eyes glued to the awkward dance pattern your friends had perfected. “They- I shouldn’t judge. It’s just… that’s step one, not the actual dance. Or at least not any kind I’ve seen before.” 

You may have been enjoying your moment a bit too much, unlinking your hands to slide one up his chest without a care in the world to who was watching. He was still occupied with the two dancing happily amongst the crowd, but his hands instinctively found you, and you wouldn’t have minded staying that way all night. 

“That is why I asked you to teach me,” you started, his expression shifting to something lighter when he looked over at you. “What we learned just … it wasn’t enough for me. I did my research, I knew what swing could be, and that’s what I wanted.” 

“Why didn’t you just say that?” he asked softly, tucking away a hair to let his fingers ghost across the shell of your ear. 

“They have fun dancing together… I didn’t want to ruin their fun or offend them.” He nodded slowly at your explanation, distractedly brushing his thumb across your cheek. 

“And why not tell me?” he asked with a cocked brow, and you raised yours in question. “If I’d known you had been taught before, I would have started differently.”  

“Then I think you just answered your own question,” you smirked. He tilted his head as he waited for your elaboration, and you giggled as he dropped his hand to link both arms around your waist and pull you in impossibly close. “I had one of the Howling Commandos dropped on my doorstep, how many other people can say they’ve been taught how to swing like I have? I wanted you to teach me the good stuff, directly from the past.” 

“And to think… all this time I thought you just wanted an excuse to get closer to me.” You continued to laugh at him as he pretended to be disappointed. 

“Aw, dammit Barnes, you saw right through me,” you teased, finally earning a chuckle from him in reply as his bravado started to break. 

“That’s alright, I know I’m irresistible.” 

“What have I done… Take me dancing before your ego gets too big,” you groaned, trying to break out of his grasp but he held you firm. 

“We’ll show ‘em how it’s done.” He leaned over to press a kiss to your cheek before releasing you, letting you take his hand and drag him out to the dance floor before the song ended. 

…

“How did you two even do that? I stopped trying to keep track of how many times you went over his shoulder, and I wasn’t even watching you half of the time,” Gabe asked, his tone laced with astonishment that left you and Bucky smiling at each other sheepishly, making your way towards the empty booth you managed to find in the chaos. 

“James likes to show off how well he can throw me around. Especially when we’ve got company,” you teased, and you knew he was shaking his head at you as you slipped into the seat opposite your friend. When you turned to look at him he was already leaning down closer to you, bracing himself on the table and the back of the seat. 

“Don’t pretend you don’t like it,” he taunted, and you hummed in amusement at his scrunchy expression. “You wanna hold the table while I take them up to the counter?” Always the gentleman… 

“I’ll stay back with her!” Bella piped up, and you briefly caught her sharing a look with her husband before she recovered. “You know what I like, I trust you.” 

“How about you, what are you in the mood for, peach?” Bucky asked you softly, and for whatever reason, you had a desire to wrap your arms around his neck and keep him there. “Did you still wanna try that salad from last time?” 

“That sounds perfect. I don’t know that I want fries tonight.” He smiled at you hesitantly before parting from the table, leaving you to watch the boys collect the goods. This new development with Bucky had absolutely ruined you; not even two weeks ago would you have dared be caught watching him for so long, and yet here you were, completely unashamed as you ogled the way his shoulders moved as he walked away. 

You didn’t get to enjoy it for very long before your companion interjected. 

“Alright, what’s up with you and James?” You snapped to look back at her, the question catching you off guard. “You didn’t introduce him as your neighbor, or your friend, or your boyfriend… just James.” 

“I- wow, okay. That’s a bit blunt, don’t you think?” You defended, not bothering to hide how flustered the question made you, she would see right through it anyway. “What if he is just James?” She simply arched an eyebrow to let you know your half-baked answer didn’t land. 

It wasn’t like you had a proper answer for her. Whatever was going on with Bucky was… well, there’s no use in selling it short; it was bliss. After flirting for weeks, all your lingering touches and passing glances finally amounted to this wonderful thing. You enjoyed having his hands on you damn near constantly, you liked how easy it was to tease him, and you would let him kiss you for hours if that’s what he wanted…

But it’s hard to remember needing to talk about what your relationship was when you were busy enjoying it. 

“Look, I don’t know what to call him, okay?” You reasoned, hoping that an answer equally as blunt as her question might appease her for the evening. The last thing you wanted was to deal with pointed questions, much less force Bucky to sit through it. 

“Are you kidding me?” she asked dramatically, and a bit louder than you thought was strictly necessary, giving her a look to say as much. “Girl, that man has been looking at you with heart eyes all night, and you two can’t keep your hands off of each other. And have you seen the way he looks at you? He wants to kiss you so bad he can’t see straight.” 

You couldn’t blame him. You’d have bet a lot of money your face probably looked the same. 

“What do you want me to say? Clearly, there’s something there, but I don’t have a name for it,” you explained harshly, wanting to be rid of the disappointment written so clearly on her face. “We haven’t talked about it.”

“Why not?” You wanted to ask where these incessant intrusive questions were coming from, but she stopped you before you could get the words out. “I’ve done the dating game before, this whole ‘will you, won’t you’... it’s torture.” Not when it’s Bucky, you wanted to say, but you questioned whether it would help your case. 

“It’s still so new, Bella. Aren’t we allowed to just enjoy it for a second?” you reasoned exasperatedly. You could tell she wanted to say something, hesitating to decide whether or not she wanted to continue bugging you about the topic. With a slight roll of your eyes, you continued with a grin; “C’mon, what are you gonna say?” 

“I guess I just don’t understand why you’d wait. You’re cute together, and he’s clearly smitten…” Her words hung in the air as you tried to figure out what to say. That you were trying to let a man out of his time navigate the modern dating world at his own pace, that it wasn’t about knowing whether or not you wanted to move forward, but that you would wait as long as it took for him to be ready to do it with you. 

As if on cue, you spotted your boys approaching with food-laden arms, returning James’ warm smile as they approached. You looked over at Bella, a silent confirmation that she wouldn’t say a word, before shifting your focus to the other two to help unload their arms. Though as Bucky slid into the booth next to you, you couldn’t help but notice the pile of fries in his basket was much larger than usual. 

“That’s a lot of food, James,” you teased, and indirect question as to what his reason was. He only chuckled at first as he got himself situated, so close that you were practically in his lap as he slung an arm on the back of the seat behind your shoulders, cornering you in like he always did. 

“I know you said you didn’t want any fries, but I know you better than that. You’re going to change your mind and steal my fries, so I got enough to share,” he admitted, shrugging it off as he looked down at you for a response, and you immediately felt your cheeks grow hot. 

Those blue eyes met yours, a soft smile on his lips, and you wanted nothing more than to just kiss him right then and there. He knew you so well, so intimately, and it shocked you a little bit how deeply satisfying it was to feel seen so clearly. 

You managed a quiet thanks through your smile, but your emotions soon got the better of you, unable to continue holding his gaze without bursting into a fit of bashful giggles. Looking away from him, you found Bella directly across from you with a look that could only be interpreted as ‘I told you so,’ and you found you couldn’t quite look at her either. Instead, you turned to the bowl in front of you to avoid eye contact with anyone, and you ended up chuckling quietly with Bucky as his hands fell to your shoulder. 

You didn’t suffer too many blunders after that, the nosy questions seemed to die back down to a minimum, and you seemed to regain your composure through the rest of the evening. You and Bucky navigated the conversation changes well, falling back into your usual patterns, though Bella’s words didn’t leave you. Even after you had bid your friends goodnight, ascending the stairs to your shared floor with Bucky hovering near you as you unlocked the door. 

Stepping back into your apartment, you were suddenly hit with a wall of emotions, and your body made you very clearly aware of its yearning for what you had been deprived of all night. Bucky was talking to you, but the words weren’t sticking as you settled into the space, turning to be met with his back as he closed and locked your door behind him. 

The second he turned back around you were on him. Your hands slid up his chest to lock behind his neck, his hands quick to find your hips as you captured his lips with yours. Oh, you were in trouble… Bucky kissed you back and you felt the world slip away, all thoughts leaving your mind except for him. 

“Well hello,” he teased, smiling against you as he spoke softly, his sentence punctuated with a kiss. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a few hours.” 

“Mmm, I could tell,” you smiled back, making it a little harder to get what you were after, but neither of you let it stop you. You felt his amusement rumble through his chest, a perfect distraction for when he hoisted you up into his arms, guiding your legs to wrap around him without taking his lips off of you. 

It was clumsy, giddy even, the way teeth clashed and laughter bubbled through while he carried you over to the couch. If anyone were to accomplish dropping you unceremoniously on the couch while still being gentle, it would be James Barnes; and that’s exactly what he did, crawling back over you not even moments later and encouraging your arms to hang around his neck once more, scattering kisses across the inside of your arm. 

In your pause, your brain came back to reality, and the conversation from earlier came back to you. “You didn’t introduce him as your neighbor, or your friend, or your boyfriend… I just don’t understand why you’d wait…” His lips trailed up from your arm to your shoulder, across your collarbone, and up to his favorite spot on your neck, all while you tried to defog your mind just enough to find the courage to open your mouth and say something. 

“I- there’s something I want to tell you… but, just bear with me, alright?” he spoke softly beside your ear, and you could hear the grin on his face, bringing one to your own. 

“Uh oh, what did you do this time?” you poked, trying to ease some of the tension in your body. He laughed against you, bringing himself up to rest on his forearms so he could look at you. 

“No no, it’s not like that.” You gave him a smile of reassurance as you waited, but he seemed to be in a similar place you had just been, watching him hesitate to find exactly the right words he was looking for. “I used to- well, back in the forties…”

“Back in your day?” you mumbled, and he stuck a vibranium finger into your side to get you to stop talking. Why did you tell him you were ticklish? It had very quickly become his favorite weapon to use against you, and you had yet to find out how to get him back. 

“Steve and I used to go out dancing a lot. Well, I went dancing and dragged Steve along with me,” he started, the corners of his lips tilting up as he remembered his best friend of long ago. “I know you’re not a big fan of Steve, but I promise I have a point.” 

“I didn’t say anything” you laughed. “Go on, I’m listening.”

“He used to say this thing… always talked about finding the right partner. I used to think he was making up an excuse; figured he sat on the sidelines cause he was too scared to ask anyone, ‘cause I danced with everyone.” You couldn't force your body to form words as you anticipated where this conversation was going, instead raising your eyebrows to acknowledge his admission. “I did! Any girl that turned my way, I had ‘em on the floor. To me it was just dancing, I didn’t see the point in being picky. Well… not until you.” 

Your breath caught in your throat, finding it hard to swallow as those deep blue eyes you liked so damn much kept looking through to your soul. He had his bottom lip between his teeth as he paused to glance over your features, being completely vulnerable and figuratively holding his heart out to you while you laid beneath him, feeling like you were laid bare as he looked directly through you. 

“I don’t want to dance with anyone else. I don’t want you to dance with anyone else. I want to come home and eat leftovers with you, I want to watch dumb movies with you, hell I’d do just about anything you asked me to,” he finished with a small laugh, one you couldn’t help but share. Seeming to battle himself to get the words out of his mouth, he closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to yours, the tips of your noses brushing against each other. “Sweetheart, I… I think you are my right partner,” he breathed, and you released a shaky breath at his admittance. 

A brand new kind of warmth blossomed in your heart at his confession, something you had never experienced before, and it knocked the breath out of your body. You didn’t know how to respond, having the urge to both kiss him senseless and pull him close enough to feel him under your skin. 

“And you are mine,” you whispered back, lips ghosting across his as he drifted closer, sealing the gap with a passionate force mere moments after the words left your mouth. Your hands drifted to his hair, his dancing across your sides as he pressed his weight onto you just the way you liked…

In that moment, nothing else mattered. Your conversation with Bella faded from your mind, and the need to name whatever this was vanished from your thoughts completely. You no longer had the care to sort out a name for what this was, you didn’t need to.

He was your Bucky, and that’s all you needed.

…

The next morning you stood in your kitchen, pouring yourself a drink to jumpstart your brain, wanting nothing more than for it to just stop. You were awake earlier than you’d intended for whatever godforsaken reason – especially for what was supposed to be a lazy Saturday morning after your late Friday night – but with your luck, your body wouldn’t let you fall back asleep. After taking your very first sip, your phone lit up on the counter beside you. 

Please tell me you’re awake. 

The weirdly cryptic message from Bucky normally wouldn’t have caught you by surprise, but he sounded urgent. You grabbed your phone and quickly sent a brief reply, your mind reeling at the possibilities. Though he didn’t leave you waiting very long, an aggressive knock on your door followed soon after. 

Opening the door, you found your super-soldier already dressed for the day, likely having just returned from his weekly session with Dr. Raynor, his face drawn in his signature glare. Oh, this can’t be good… 

“Buck, what’s going on?” 

“The new exhibit,” he started, his voice dripping with rage. “It’s the goddamn shield.” 

Thanks for reading!! If you’d like to be notified when I post a new fic, be sure to follow @writerlyhabits-library + turn on post notifications! 💛

Masterlist | Ch. 8 | Ch. 10

[azolitmin]

end of the year thoughts

Hello!

I swear I made another blog post recently but it looks like the last one I made was at the end of march phew. Anyways, I hope everyone’s been having a stress-free holiday season, enjoying themselves and hanging in there. 

I’ve included a longer version below so that I don’t take up too much space on people’s dashboards (or TL? what do we call the feed on tumblr nowadays?) but the short of it all is that my wrist pain has improved significantly since my last post, I’m going to work on opening a patreon and doing a lot of art projects in the coming future!

I figure I should make a little update related to my last post (wrist pain/pinched nerve) I’m still waiting to see a doctor for a full evaluation LOL but I did manage to buy a secondhand cintiq, shoutout to the guy on FB marketplace who didn’t scam me, it’s been amazing to draw with and has seriously helped alleviate a majority of the pain in my wrist/hand. I’m honestly having so much fun drawing with it I can’t believe I deprived myself of this for so many years LOL. I’m still working on taking adequate breaks/rest periods and strengthening my wrist which I also think played a huge part in my recovery. Anyways, I definitely feel more confident in taking on work now that I can draw for more than an hour without pain or even just the mental energy drain being in pain causes, yay!!!

Soo with that being said I am going to be working really hard on new art, I have a lot of projects I want to do in the future. Primarily a lot of OC stuff but a few fandom related things as well. I had a dream once that I spent 300$ in gachaphon trying to get every single catboy kurapika merch so I think this is a sign that I have to make a lot of catboy kurapika merch. I also want to make some batman related stuff and experiment with some new product types 🥺 definitely want to participate in some more conventions, I never made a post reflecting on my time at Sakuracon and AX but I had an amazing experience at both (as good as it can be during the panini). If you came by and said hi or bought anything from me during these times thank you so much!!!! It was really nice to talk to people who enjoy my art or chat about fandom stuff 😳

Other than merch and fandom related products I think I also want to finally get my patreon up and running, though it will be very low stakes (one tier for the foreseeable future). I’ve definitely gone back and forth on this since I have a big fear about letting people down. It’ll most likely be used for posting up sketches, WIPs, I might ask for feedback on what I should draw next or give art feedback if requested? I’m not the most skilled artist but I think I’m capable of a suggestion or two :^)!! And yes the whole twitter thing has definitely contributed towards me trying to make a serious attempt at patreon again...

The last thing I wanna say is thaaatt I am going back to art school to hopefully get my BFA, I’m halfway there, yay!! I really hope to learn new techniques/skills and improve a lot, even just typing this out is giving me a lot of excitement for the future haha.

I think that’s all I wanted to touch on without rambling on for TOO long LOL. Thank you for taking the time to read through this! 

[soramei]

From Resentment (hhj)

Pairing: Hyunjin x Reader (she/her)

Summary: After a fated meeting involving a cute and fluffy puppy, you found yourself drawn to Hwang Hyunjin: the school prince. Everybody in high school loved him. It was hard not to. Not only was he rich, smart, and athletic, but he was also incredibly kind-hearted.

However, one day seemingly out of the blue, everything that you thought Hyunjin was came crashing down.

Now a freshman in university, you were excited to live out your dreams. That was, until Hyunjin came hurtling back into your life like an uncontrolled meteor. His presence threw a curveball on all your plans, and would eventually change your perspective on everything that you thought you knew.

Genre: studentl!hyunjin au, angst, enemies to lovers

Warnings: cursing, tw puking

Word Count: 8.8k

Masterlist

A/N: Not an Intentional update but a hyunjin oneshot!! disclaimer: no aspect of hyunjins personality here was drawn from real life — irl hyunjin is a ray of sunshine <3

You looked at your math homework, proud that you got all the answers correct. Since it was a slow afternoon at your job today, you had extra time to focus on your homework. The boss at the convenience store you worked at allowed you to have your homework out, as long as it was hidden behind the cash register.

As you stared at the rest of your homework, you started to feel the weight of tenth grade pile up on you. Because it was your first year of high school, you were still trying to adjust to everything; your grades, your teachers, and all the new students walking around the halls.

You stuffed the rest of your homework in your backpack. It was the end of your shift, and you wanted to go home as soon as possible to start with the rest of your studying. Crap. No matter how hard you tried to zip up your backpack, it wouldn’t close. After trying one more time, the zipper tore from your backpack.

You cursed under your breath. You couldn’t afford to buy a new backpack right now.

You had just been able to afford your new school uniform by taking up extra shifts at the convenience store, and you still needed money for your grandmother’s prescriptions. You sighed, annoyed to have another monetary stressor weighing on your shoulders.

Walking outside with your now torn backpack, your eyes widened at the group of boys in front of you. You immediately recognized them from behind.

The school princes. These three seniors were all known for three things: being extremely smart, handsome, and talented.

On the left was Seungmin, and from what you’ve heard, he was the smart and quiet one. He was always helping the teachers, being the class president and all. Any time a girl or a boy needed academic help, Seungmin was there and happy to assist.

The person on the right was Jisung. With his charming and charismatic personality, he had dated tens upon tens of girls in his grade. Just in the last year. It helped that he was really good looking — and also stinkin’ rich. His father was a notorious restaurateur, and with him being the first son, he was basically given unlimited spending rights.

The only person richer than Jisung was the boy in the center of them both: Hwang Hyunjin. This boy was the school prince. The prince of princes. He somehow managed to participate in music clubs, engage in study groups, and captain the soccer team all the while keeping up excellent grades. Every girl that Jisung had dated was said to have been rejected by Hyunjin first. That was his only flaw: he was notoriously cold to any and all romantic confessions.

You followed behind the three princes, staring at your torn up sneakers. You knew you didn’t exist in their world, but even being near three handsome and rich teenage boys made you nervous.

Suddenly, you heard a whimper coming from behind a bush to the left of you. It sounded like a hurt animal.

Worried and curious, you walked over to the bush to see what it was.

It was a puppy. Small and fluffy, it looked up at you with it’s beady black eyes and cried out. His paw was bleeding.

You panicked. Having never seen a hurt puppy before, you had no idea what to do. You called out for help.

“Help!” you cried, hoping that somebody had heard your call for help. You desperately wanted to help this hurt puppy, but you hesitated to touch it, afraid that you would hurt the animal even more.

The puppy howled in pain, making your panic rise. You were about to call out for help again, when you heard somebody running up behind you.

“What is it?” The voice asked.

“I-I don’t know. I just saw this dog here, and-and his paw is bleeding,” you anxiously stuttered.

“Here, let me take a look.”

You heard the voice behind you, so you shuffled over to make room.

It was Hwang Hyunjin. The person that responded to your cry for help was the most popular and well-liked person in the school. You were shocked, a bit intimidated actually, so you silently moved to the side for him. His black hair shone in the sunlight as he bent down to examine the dog.

“Come here, boy,” he chirped. The puppy listened, and started limping to him. “Something hurt you, didn’t it.”

He stood up, picking the puppy up along with him.

“C’mon,” he gestured with his head, “my vet isn’t too far from here actually. We can make it by walking.”

You silently nodded and followed him.

He was right. The walk to the veterinarian clinic, though very awkward, wasn’t too far. The clinic was empty at this time of day, with the receptionist being the only person in the room.

“Hyunjin! Always a pleasure,” the receptionist beamed. It seemed like Hyunjin’s likeability wasn’t only confined to your school. “My, what do we have here?”

“There’s something wrong with his paw,” Hyunjin tried to show the receptionist where the blood was coming from, “is the doctor free right now?”

“As a matter of fact, he is,” the receptionist said whilst checking the schedule. “I’ll take this little boy to the back where he can get prepped for the veterinarian.”

Hyunjin handed the puppy carefully to the receptionist. The receptionist took out a crate for the dog, put him in, and then disappeared through the back door. The two of you were now left alone in the waiting room.

“Uhm,” you coughed, “thank you. I know you probably want to get back to your friends, so you can leave now.”

“No, I’ll stay,” he looked at you and smiled, “those idiots are just playing LOL at the PC room anyways. Plus, I want to see how this little boy turns out.”

You smiled back at him, nodding your head. A few moments of awkward silence passed.

“I’m Hyunjin by the way,” he said.

“I know. I’m Y/n.”

“You’re in your first year, right?” he said, looking at the colour of your uniform.

“Yeah, it’s so hard to get used to though. I’m trying my best with my homework, but I think this school stuff just doesn’t click with me,” you rambled.

“Oh?”

“I want to go into dance. I’ve never been able to afford professional lessons, but I’ve always wanted to go to university for dance. My grandparents said they would let me if my school grades were high.” You didn’t know why you were giving your life story to Hyunjin. He just had this natural charisma that made you want to spill everything to him. It was the way he looked at you with those cat-like eyes.

“I know what you mean. It took me forever to convince my parents for me to major in dance. I got in by early admittance, but I’m sure they still have their reservations about my major.”

“You’re majoring in dance?” you asked, eyes wide.

He smiled. “I’ve loved dancing ever since I could remember. It’s my passion, and truthfully, the only thing I’ve got going for me.”

You were shocked. At school, Hyunjin was known for so many things other than dancing. Hell, you didn’t even know he enjoyed dancing and you thought you’d heard everything about him already.

The two of you chatted for a while longer before the vet came out with the now happy looking dog.

“It seemed like this little guy got into a fight with something, and he got a pretty large gash on his paw. Luckily, it wasn’t bleeding too much so I just gave him some anaesthetic and stitched it right up.”

You sighed in relief. “Thank god he isn’t too hurt.”

“Yes, it’s good that it wasn’t too bad,” the veterinarian agreed. “I’m assuming this is your dog? As soon as you finish with the bill, I can release this little guy and the both of you are ready to go.”

Oh yeah. The bill.

Although you knew you couldn’t afford to pay the vet bill, you didn’t know where this little dog would go if you couldn’t take him home. You did the mental calculations, and if you worked some extra shifts, you could probably be able to pick up the bill today. Buying a new backpack could be saved for another day.

“Sure, where can I pay?” you asked.

“Just over by the receptionist.” The veterinarian pointed.

You walked over to the receptionist, and she handed the bill over to you.

You almost fainted.

Just the anaesthetic and the stitches alone cost over two hundred dollars. This was extremely over your budget, and probably even more than the amount in your savings. You felt uneasy.

“Uhm, actually, I don’t think I can-”

“Do you take cash?”

Hyunjin had interrupted you, walked up to the receptionist, and pulled out his wallet. He peaked over your shoulder and took out a huge wad of cash to hand to the receptionist.

“Hyunjin, you don’t have to,” you begged. You felt bad that this guy you didn’t even know had just offered to cover you for over two hundred dollars.

“Think of it as a good luck gift from a fellow dancer.” He smiled.

That was when it clicked. You didn’t know what clicked, but it just did. It was his smile. It was the way the corners of his eyes crinkled up and how the corners of his lips pinched at the end. You now understood why all the girls at school were in love with him. He was quite literally perfect.

You thanked him profusely, even after the two of you had left the clinic. With the dog in your hand, you walked side by side with Hyunjin.

“So,” he started, “have you thought of a name for this guy yet?”

Oh yeah — he was your dog now. “Hmm, I don’t know yet.”

“What about Coco?”

“Coco?”

“Yeah, let’s see if he likes it.” Hyunjin leaned in and cooed at the little puppy. “Hi, little Coco!”

The puppy’s eyes lit up, and with his tongue stretched out, he started panting.

“I guess he likes it,” Hyunjin smiled. God, his smile could melt all of Antarctica.

“Coco it is.” You poked at Coco’s nose.

Hyunjin was about to say something back to you when his phone buzzed. He took a peak, rolled his eyes, then smiled. “My friends are god awful at games. I swear, they can’t even win one round without me. You’re okay with going home alone?”

He was going to walk you home? Could he be any more perfect?

You nodded your head. “Thank you, Hyunjin. I’ll pay you back for the bill one day.”

“No need,” he winked. “Like I said, it’s a good luck gift. Oh, and you can ask me if you need help with any school work. Anything to help a fellow dancer.”

He waved goodbye, then went running off in the other direction. You held Coco close to you, heart pounding. Although you didn’t want to be like all the other girls who fell for him, you felt like you were already falling for Hyunjin.

-

The next day, you had planned to go shopping for dog supplies after school. After a really long and arduous debate with yourself, you decided to sacrifice all of your savings in order to buy everything that Coco needed. You knew Hyunjin owned a dog himself, so throughout the whole day, you worked up the nerve to ask Hyunjin to come with you.

At the end of last period, you gathered all your stuff from your desk and headed to the soccer field where you knew Hyunjin and his friends would be. Whilst you crossed the field, you noticed Jisung staring at you. You found his stare intimidating, but you tried to brush it off. He then whispered something in Hyunjin’s ear.

“Hi, Hyunjin,” you said anxiously, biting your lip. “Umm, do you want to come with me to shop for Coco?”

He stared at you for a couple seconds, then, a look of disgust appeared on his face. “Why? So you can use my wallet again?”

You stared back at him, wide eyed. Who was this person? It wasn’t the Hyunjin that so graciously helped you out yesterday.

“W-what? No!” you exclaimed. “I-I just wanted your opinion…”

“Sure,” Hyunjin smirked coldly, “opinion my ass.”

“Hyunjin,” tears were pooling in your eyes, “I don’t understand.”

“If you need money so much, here.” He reached in his pocket and turned up a wad of cash, throwing it at your feet. “Just don’t come to me next time. And buy yourself a new pair of shoes while you’re at it.”

You looked down at the money, trying to hold back your tears. Why was Hyunjin being like this? You didn’t understand. His two jockeys beside him didn’t even bother to stop him. As you tried to stop yourself from crying, you felt your sadness turn into rage.

“I don’t need your stupid money,” you said, kicking the cash back to him. “Maybe you can use your daddy’s money to buy yourself a new personality.”

Hyunjin’s two friends tried to hold back their snickers at your words. Hyunjin heard, turned around, and gave them both death stares.

You didn’t bother to listen to whatever he was going to say next and simply stomped away, rage burning inside you. Everything about him was a lie. His charming and charismatic personality, his generosity, his kindness. They were all lies. He really was nothing but a rich, spoiled boy living with his father’s money.

There was rage behind every step you took. Wiping away your tears, you headed to your locker. You didn’t need him anyways; it was better to realize his true personality earlier rather than later. Hands shaking from anger, you dialed the combination to your locker.

“Hey, sorry about what happened earlier.” A voice came from behind you. “He can be a real jerk sometimes.”

It was Jisung. You rolled your eyes. You didn’t want to see him either.

“Why didn’t you do anything about it then?” Your voice came out shaky. It was obvious that you had cried.

“Once he starts, there’s no stopping him. It’s usually better to let him finish uninterrupted, or else he will get more mad.”

“Oh,” you said. Your hatred for Hyunjin grew even more.

“I could come with you, though. I don’t know much about dogs, but I can help you carry your bags.”

“I don’t know…”

“C’mon, no way you can carry everything by yourself.”

You hesitated. “Okay, I guess.”

And so, you left for the pet store with Jisung, still confused about everything that had happened. It was strange with him. He was nice and cracked a joke every now and then, but it was just different from being with Hyunjin. At least he was nice, you thought.

Your trip went well. You managed to buy everything you needed for Coco. In a turn of events, Jisung had actually come in handy as he offered to carry the huge bag of dog food you bought. He even offered to buy you a coffee.

“Thanks for all your help, Jisung.” You stood outside the door of your apartment, smiling at him.

“No problem, gives me an excuse to work out my guns.” He pretended to flex his arms.

You choked back a laugh.

“You should get going now. It’s late,” you said.

“Alright,” he started to leave. “Hey, if you see me in the halls, feel free to say hi.”

You nodded and waved to him as he turned and walked away, remembering his words. Every time you saw Jisung in the school hallways, you gave him a small wave in which he happily returned. However, whenever you saw him walking with Hyunjin, you made sure to purposely avoid them. You didn’t want any negativity in your life.

You kept up the waves, and soon, waves turned to small conversations which soon turned to flirting. By the end of the semester, you and Jisung somehow ended up as a couple. Jisung was polite and sweet, unlike a certain person. With every free moment you had, you hung out with Jisung — all the while avoiding Hyunjin.

The two of you stayed a couple for the rest of Jisung’s senior year. Somehow, the two of you had even kept up your relationship throughout your whole high school experience. It was hard at times as he went to university, but with a lot of effort, you had made your relationship work out. You barely had time to talk with him, but you enjoyed the little time that you did have. Jisung had never even once mentioned Hyunjin when you were together, and with time, you had totally forgotten about that jerk. You weren’t even sure if they were still friends.

You worked hard in school and reaped all the benefits. Your rank had consistently been in the top twenties amongst all the other students, and you even had time to practice your dancing. You remembered the day that you received your acceptance letter from university. Hands shaking, you had barely managed to open the letter all the way before you screamed. You had gotten into university with your dream major: dance.

Because of your excellent grades, you were able to pay a lot of your tuition with scholarship money alone. You hesitantly decided to quit your job at the convenience store to focus on university. Although quitting meant that your bank account would take a big hit, you decided that it would be best in the long run. There was a lot in your savings, and you even had a little extra to buy a new outfit for your first day of school.

Jisung had been busy on the first day of university. He had previously promised to show you around campus, but with him being a no-show, you wandered around by yourself to try to find your classes. You had trouble with the campus map at first, but after walking around for a bit, you were able to find all your classes with ease.

Your first few classes were a snore. Because they were all theory, you had to down two cups of coffee in order to stay awake. Somehow, you managed to take coherent notes despite being bored out of your mind. You just wanted to dance.

The good thing was, after sitting through many classes, your time to dance finally came. Your last class of the day was an introduction to dance course, and you couldn’t wait to go. You wanted to know your teacher, your peers, and most importantly, express yourself.

The dance class was in a studio in the university’s fitness center. It was huge, way bigger than the tiny gym in your high school. Upon entering the studio, you were immediately met with the sight of students, exactly like you, already stretching. You chose a spot in the room and started stretching as well, making good use of your time before the instructor comes in.

After some time, most of the students — including you — had finished stretching and were sitting in silence waiting for the instructor. The door swung open, breaking the silence. The instructor had come in.

“Hello new students,” he said, “welcome to Dance 100. Today, I will go through the curriculum with you as well as introduce your final project.”

The instructor whipped out a projection of the curriculum and started explaining the purpose of the course, what you would be graded on, and how you would be graded. He then read through his class expectations before moving to your final project.

“This final project will act in place of a final exam,” he explained. “You will be required to create a dance that includes everything we’ve learned in class and write an essay explaining all the elements in your dance. It will be worth half your grade.”

The class gasped in surprise. Not only did this project sound extremely difficult for a first year course, but the fact that it was worth half your grade made it borderline unfair.

“I know it might seem difficult, but worry not, you won’t be doing this alone. Every year, the first year dance students get mentored by the third year dance students for the final project. Each student has already been assigned a random mentor which will be introduced this class.”

The whole class murmured, talking amongst themselves and expressing their opinions on this project. It was definitely an interesting project. You hoped that you would be paired with a good mentor that would actually care about how well you did.

There was a knock on the door.

“Ah, this must be them.” Your instructor opened the door and a wave of third years came flooding in. Each one of them had a name tag pinned on their shirts. “Class, these are the third year students.”

You all politely greeted them.

“Now,” the instructor continued, “I will put the class list on the projector, and each of your names will correspond to a third year mentor.”

The instructor put out the list for display. You scanned down the list of names, eventually finding yours. Following the dots to your corresponding mentor, you almost choked on air when you saw yours.

It was Hwang Hyunjin.

You were at a loss for words. Just when you thought he was out of your life forever, the man that was so incredibly mean to you — the man you hated with your whole soul — was now your mentor. Just the thought of being in the same room as him filled you with disgust.

You scanned the sea of third year students, and your eyes immediately found him. He was staring back at you with the same shocked expression that you had on.

He looked different. Not only had he grown taller, but he had lost all his baby fat as well. His hair was different too. It was bleached blond and it almost hit his shoulders. What was the same, however, was his intense stare and his plump lips.

You walked over to him.

“You look different.” His eyes scanned up and down.

“So do you.” You clenched your jaw and sighed. “I guess we have to work together.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he said flatly.

“Listen,” you copied his tone, “I’m not excited about this either, but I want to get a good grade for this class. If you don’t wanna help me, just say so and I’ll just work alone on this.”

“Don’t be stupid,” he rolled his eyes, “this is part of my grade too. I can’t let you fuck this up for the both of us.”

You rolled your eyes back at him and pressed your lips in a thin line. Ignoring what he said, you asked, “where do we start?”

“Let’s find a time to meet every week.” He pulled out the newest iPad model from his bag. Of course he would have the newest iPad. “I’m busy every day except Saturday, so let’s meet then.”

Way to consider your opinion. He was lucky that you weren’t busy on the weekends.

As Hyunjin worked on sorting his schedule, you took your time to look at how he had changed. With his hair blonde, he looked like a completely different person. You didn’t understand why he kept his hair long though. It kept falling in his eyes.

“Stop staring at me. It’s freaking me out.” He narrowed his eyes at you.

“I wasn’t.” You crossed your arms, defending yourself.

“Whatever.” He tucked his hair behind his ear and put his iPad back in his bag. “Don’t be late on Saturday.”

And with that, he left. You looked around the class. Most of the other students were still with their mentors, presumably getting to know each other and discussing the project. You almost wanted to ask your instructor to switch with somebody else, but that would mean passing on the nightmare known as Hwang Hyunjin onto a perfectly innocent person. You had your moments, but you weren’t evil.

The interaction with Hyunjin had left you in a sour mood for the rest of the day. You tried to study, but you were too distracted by the thought of having to work with that monstrosity for a whole semester. It was worth so much of your grade, too. You had just hoped that Hyunjin was as good at dance as he previously told you. You remembered him saying how dance was his passion in life. That was when you still liked him. Who knows, maybe he only said that so he could play you like every other girl he played with.

For the rest of the week, whenever you thought of the dance project, you were filled with dread. You tried to ignore it, and sometimes it worked, but most of the time it kept reappearing in your mind like a virus. The way Hyunjin had infected your mind bothered you to no end.

Time passed fast though, and before you knew it, Saturday had already come. Searching through your closet, you picked out a simple outfit for practice today. You slid on your tattered old sneakers and headed off to the studio that Hyunjin had told you to go to.

Entering the dance studio, you noticed that you were right on time. However, Hyunjin was not. Great… He made such a big deal over you being on time that he himself forgot to be punctual. You sat on the wood floors and started to do some stretches to warm up.

Eventually, after you finished your stretching, he entered the studio. With a girl. Holding a textbook, Hyunjin handed it to the girl and put on his signature deceitful smile. His ugly, perfect smile. The girl batted her eyes and waved her fingers goodbye before strolling out the door. You rolled your eyes at this, feeling bad for the girl. Hyunjin was playing her right in front of her own eyes and she didn’t even realize it.

“Were you really late because of a girl?” you sneered.

“Why do you care?” he retorted, flinging his bag to the corner of the room.

“I don’t.”

“Sure you don’t.”

Not wanting to waste time with that childish banter, you decided to end the conversation then and there. “Okay, well anyways, I’ll show you what I learned in class this week.”

Hooking up your phone to the speaker, you chose the song that you’ve been practicing with for the whole week. As the song progressed, you found it hard to not get lost in the music. Just dancing was the easy part; incorporating everything learned in class was another story. Although it was fairly difficult, you thought you executed everything very well as the song came to an end. Finishing up, you panted from exhaustion and looked at Hyunjin for his comments.

He stood, with his arms crossed across his torso, leaning against the speaker. There was a blank expression on his face.

“Not bad.” He started to walk up to you.

“But?”

“But you’re too stiff. You’re too focused on perfectly executing the technical moves that you forget to just move your body. Do what you did half-way through the song again.”

You turned the music on, trying to do the dance with Hyunjin’s criticisms in mind. Looking in the mirror, you did your best to show as much emotion as possible, all the while moving more fluidly. The room was filled with heavy bass and the squeaks from your sneakers.

Suddenly, the music was abruptly cut off.

Hyunjin had stopped the music and was making his way over, face still unreadable.

“You’re still trying too hard and it shows.” Hyunjin shook his head.

Clenching your jaw, you did your best to hold back your anger. Were you just not supposed to try? This annoyed you. Just because he didn’t need to try to be good at anything didn’t mean you couldn’t.

“Well,” you tried to say calmly, “how can I do this then?”

“You have to relax.” He put one hand on your hip and started to guide you. “Don’t focus on each individual aspect, but try to imagine everything as a whole. Then, things will come naturally.”

You followed his hand, allowing Hyunjin to guide you to his own rhythm. After a while, every movement felt so fluid and you didn’t even notice that your face started to match your movements. Glancing at your reflection, you gasped, noticing how different your dancing looked. You whipped your head to face Hyunjin, the two of your inches apart and breathing heavily.

“See,” he mumbled, looking down at you. “Once you stop thinking, everything just comes naturally.”

You looked back at the person inches away from you. It almost felt as if he was being kind. But you knew the type of person he was. You weren’t going to let this happen again. Snapping out of what weird trance you were in, you pushed him away in an act of self perseverance.

He didn’t say anything.

“I’ll try again,” you said.

Hyunjin strolled over to the speaker and turned on the music. This time, you didn’t think about anything you learned in class or Hyunjin’s criticisms. You just trusted in your body. Everything else was blank.

Taking a step forward while still in your trance, your shoe lost its grip on the floor, causing you to fall right on your knee. You cried in pain, holding on to your knee.

“Fuck,” Hyunjin hissed. He ran over and bent down to your level. “Can you move it?”

“I think so.” You tried to straighten your knee. It hurt, but you were still able to do it. There would most likely be a nasty bruise there the next morning.

“You’re still wearing those scraps that you call shoes? They’re literally coming apart at the seams. This is going to happen again if you don’t get new ones.”

You blushed in embarrassment from his remarks. “I’m not going to spend money on things that I don’t need.”

“Well, you need shoes. Just go buy a new pair later.”

Was he being serious? Or was he just spoiled?

“Hyunjin, not everybody can just go spend money whenever they want,” you loudly sighed. “Unlike you, I need to consider my budget for most things.”

“Well, why can’t you ask your boyfriend to buy it?” he sneered. “Seems like you’re good at doing that.”

How did he know you were still dating Jisung? What did he mean by ‘good at doing that’?

“What?” You crossed your eyebrows. “Do you think I’m with him just for his money? Do I really look like that kind of person to you?”

“You used me for my money,” he mumbled under his breath.

“What?” You couldn’t hear him right.

“Nevermind, rehearsal's over.” He stomped off, leaving you alone in the practice room holding on to your injured knee.

-

You busied yourself with everything and anything you could do over the weekend in order to forget what happened during rehearsal. However, no matter how hard you tried to forget, Hyunjin’s comments on your shoes stuck in your mind like glue.

During your shift at your job, you couldn’t help but keep staring at your worn sneakers. You never paid attention to your shoes before until now. They did the job, so why would you need to buy a new pair? Still, you unconsciously paid attention to every step you took.

On Monday’s dance class, you decided to go early. It was always nice to warm up in a room with other try-hards. They felt less judgemental than the others.

The studio barely had anybody in it this early before class. Everybody was either stretching or had already started going over what was taught last week. Shuffling your way over to your locker, you couldn’t help but compare everybody else’s shoes to your own. You’ve never cared about trivial matters such as shoes, but you couldn’t help but feel a little self conscious as your worn-in sneakers squeaked its way over to the lockers.

Opening your locker, your eyes widened, shocked at what you saw. Inside was a box containing a brand new pair of sneakers. It was an expensive brand as well, a brand that you never thought you would be touching in your life. You turned your head around, scanning the room. Everybody seemed to have been busy with their own thing.

Did somebody put these in your locker by mistake?

Taking the shoes out, you noticed a small slip of paper fly out. You picked up the note.

Keep these. I was a jerk.

You knew who had sent this. It was Hyunjin. You didn’t know what game he was trying to play at, but you weren’t going to fall for it like you did that day in high school. Gingerly putting the shoes back in your locker, you decided to return these back to Hyunjin at your next practice.

-

“No, I gave them to you as a gift.” Hyunjin turned his nose up at you, refusing to take back the shoes.

“Why would you give these to me if you think that I only use people for their money?”

“Because,” he rolled his eyes, “if you’re unable to dance then my grade is screwed as well.”

He made a good point, but you were stubborn. “Still…”

“You know what? Keep it, give it away, sell it, I don’t care. Let’s just start practice.”

After that dance practice, you threw your old shoes in the trash.

-

It was midterm season a month into school. You thought you had gone to hell and back with high school, but this was even worse. Each day consisted of waking up, studying, and going back to sleep. You lived on coffee and toast. It wasn’t much, but it gave you the energy to sit at the library for hours to study.

You didn’t see anybody during the midterm season, Instead, you chose to hermit yourself up at the library for days on end. This meant that, at least for a couple of weeks, your dance practice with Hyunjin was put on hiatus. Not that he minded, of course. He happily deleted the practices from his schedule.

You also didn’t see much of your boyfriend, Jisung. Ever since school started, he seemed to always be missing in action. He would almost never have time to be with you, and with the few moments that he was, it seemed like he was always so apathetic towards you. You brushed this off as stress though, as you finally knew what it was like to experience university exams.

It was a clear and sunny day on the morning you finished your last midterm. Leaving the exam room, you looked up to the sky, basking in the sun. Today was going to be a good day. Not only were you now stress free, but you were also invited to an end-of-midterm party for your dance class tonight. You had never gone to a university party before, so when a classmate asked if you wanted to go, you eagerly accepted.

Wrapping up your dance class, you stood at your locker, gathering the rest of your stuff.

“Hey.” An arm wrapped around you.

“Hey, Jisung.” You smiled, turning around to face him.

“You’re done all your midterms?”

“Yup.” You nodded happily.

He took a look at your shoes.

“New shoes?”

You hesitated in answering his question, not knowing where Jisung was with Hyunjin in terms of friendship. It was better to be truthful now rather than apologizing later.

“Hyunjin gave it to me.” You looked down, fiddling with your fingers. Why were you afraid of Jisung’s response?

“Wait, what? Hwang Hyunjin? Like from high school? Y/n, I thought you hated him.”

“I did! And I do,” you tried to explain, “but he had a reason to give me this.”

“Bullshit, Y/n. You’re really gonna believe any reason he pulls out of his ass? I thought you actually matured from high school.”

“Well, you would understand if you were around more often!” you yelled. You knew it was wrong to address other problems and blow this out of proportion, but you couldn’t think straight. Your mind was clouded with anger.

“What does this have to do with anything?” Jisung barked back. “What we’re talking about is how you, no matter how shitty of a person Hyunjin is, keep going back to him! Y/n, all that man does is take. He takes from you and he sure as hell takes everything from me. I won’t let that happen this time.”

When had he taken anything from you? All he had done was give.

“Jisung, let’s end this.”

“You’re right. Let’s cool down and talk later tonight.”

“No,” you shook your head, “I mean, let's end us.”

Jisung looked at you in disgust. “It’s Hyunjin, isn’t it?”

“No,” you vehemently denied, “Jisung, you never have time for me, and the little time we do have together you act like a different person. And now you’re being all possessive just because Hyunjin gave me a gift? I’m sorry, I just don’t see us recovering from this.”

“Fine, whatever.” Jisung turned around. “We’re done. But Y/n, don’t come running back to me when Hyunjin screws you over like he does with everybody.”

After Jisung left, you stomped your foot on the ground, tears pooling in your eyes. It was for the best — breaking up with him. For the past month, you hadn’t been happy with where your relationship was going, but this wasn’t the way you wanted to end an almost three year relationship.

Wiping away your tears, you tried to compose yourself before heading over to the pub. Jisung wasn’t worth the tears.

The walk to the pub wasn’t far as every establishment catered to students was a short walking distance from campus. For your entire walk over, you kept your head down so as to not receive looks from others. The headache from your cries and a blush of anger still lingered with you. Hopefully you’ll look somewhat normal by the time you reach the bar.

Checking your reflection once more in your phone camera, you fixed your hair a bit before going inside.

The bar was filled.

With students from both your dance class and the third year class, there was not an empty corner in sight. The music was loud, but the sounds of chatter coming from the students were louder. The place was dark, with the only source of light coming from very dim, bright blue LEDs.

It was surprising to see everybody in a different setting. You were used to the sight of your classmates being only in sweats and workout clothes, but now that they actually had time to get ready, everybody seemed like a completely different person.

You saw a few of your classmates wave at you, beckoning you over to where they were sitting. As soon as your butt landed on the chair, they spared no time to push a shot glass filled with clear liquor in front of you. You gladly took the drink, wanting to just let go and forget about everything that happened today. Holding back a cough, you scrunched your face as you felt the alcohol burn in your throat. It had been so long since the last time you drank.

After five you stopped counting. Partly because you knew you were going to drink more, but mostly because your head couldn’t even count to five anymore. Scrunching your eyes, you tried to focus on the blurry figure of your classmate complaining about her professor. Bored out of your mind as her mindless babble went on forever, your eyes started roaming around the bar. As your eyes wandered, you noticed somebody behind your classmate staring at you.

Hwang Hyunjin.

Even in your inebriated state of mind, you knew that it was Hyunjin. What other university student had the balls to bleach their whole head blonde? Your eyes met, and he ran a hand through his golden locks. Why do the most beautiful people harbour the most wretched personalities?

You tried to ignore his staring by focusing your attention back on your classmate, but eventually, you couldn’t help but glance back at him. He was still looking at you.

You saw a girl come up to him. She was the same girl that showed up with him on your first ever practice session. Because of the dimly lit bar and your drunken vision impairment, you had to really squint to make out what was going on. The girl, all smiley and giggly, put her hand on his shoulder, making Hyunjin break his eye contact with you. He smiled at the girl, mouthing words that were drowned out by the music. For some reason, this made you furious. Why was he so nice to everybody else but you? What had you ever done to him to make him hate you so much?

You kept your eyes on the girl, knowing full well that you shouldn’t have. You hated that — even on your night off, even when you had just broken up with your boyfriend — Hyunjin was still in your mind like an unkillable parasite. You hated the way he tucked his hair behind his ears. You hated how the corners of his eyes crinkled up when he smiled at her. You hated him.

You watched as she leaned in and whispered something in his ear, causing him to laugh. That was the last straw. In a drunken haze, you took your phone and bolted out the door, ignoring the concerns of all your classmates. Maybe it had been a mistake breaking up with Jisung. Maybe he really did know what was best for you.

Stumbling out onto the street, you tried to dial Jisung’s phone number. It proved to be too difficult of a task, however, as your drunken fingers could only tap on random numbers on the screen. You cried out of frustration.

“Y/n.”

The voice coming from behind you startled you, causing you to lose your grip on the phone. It dropped on the cement with a loud crack. Tears welled up in your eyes as you bent down to pick up your phone. There was a huge crack right down the middle of the screen.

“You cracked my phone,” you said, trying to keep your composure.

“So? It’s not like it’s worth much anyways. Just ask your boyfriend to buy you one.” Hyunjin’s evil eyes squinted down at you.

“Why are you still on about this? Hyunjin, I’ve never used anybody for money and I never will!” You couldn’t control the tears flowing down your face. “Plus, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I broke up with Jisung today.”

You didn’t know why you were spilling your guts to the last man in the world you would trust. Surely, it was the alcohol.

“Y/n.” His tone had completely changed. He almost looked — concerned?

“Whatever, Hyunjin,” you slurred. “Just leave me alone. You can go back to that girl and have your fun with her.”

“Why do you care?”

“I don’t care.”

“Y/n, why do you care?” His tone got louder.

“I don’t!” you yelled at him. Your tears made everything even more blurry.

“Y/n! Tell me, why do you care?!” He spat back at you with just as much fury.

“Fuck you, Hyunjin. News flash, not everything in the world revolves around you and your rich and prestigious life. Maybe you wouldn’t be so toxic if you would just understand that.” You screamed at him through your sobs. “Also, I don’t know where you got this stupid story of my being a cash whore from, but I will say this one last time: I have worked for everything in my life and I have never and will never use anybody for their money.”

Hyunjin looked back at you, shocked. You stared back at him in disgust. Not wanting to waste anymore time on him, you stumbled down the street to look for a taxi. However, as you wobbled down the pavement, everything became even blurrier than before. You felt nauseous. You couldn’t control it anymore.

You threw up. All over the sidewalk. You couldn’t stop. Every time you thought that it was over, more and more came out. Your throat burned, and it wasn’t just the alcohol.

As you hurled out all the remains of today’s lunch, your hair was held back.

“Get away from me, Hyunjin,” you groaned. You didn’t want him to see you this weak.

“Who else is gonna take care of your drunk ass, idiot,” he mumbled.

That was the last thing you heard before everything went black.

-

It was a blinding white light that woke you up. You groaned, trying to block the light with your forearm. Cracking your neck, you tried to holster yourself up.

You were on a leather couch. Squinting, you surveyed the room you were in. It was clean, spacious. The floor was a white marble — there wasn’t a single speck of dust to be seen. Across from you was an incredibly wide TV with many game consoles scattered around it. You looked behind you. There was a large kitchen island illuminated by warm pendant lights. Sitting at the island, on his laptop, was Hyunjin.

“Wh-what happened to me?”

“You’re the worst fucking drinker I’ve ever seen, that’s what happened.”

You rolled your eyes.

Hyunjin ignored you, standing up and leaving for another room. Less than a minute later, he reappeared with a toothbrush and a roll of toothpaste.

“Go clean up. You look disgusting.”

You snatched the toothbrush from his hands. He pointed over to the bathroom and you trudged your way over. His bathroom was huge, almost bigger than your bedroom at home. You felt as if you were in a hotel.

“Your bathroom is huge.” After washing up, you felt not only cleaner, but more awake. “You’re really living the life with your family’s money, huh.”

Hyunjin sighed, slamming his laptop shut causing you to flinch. “Why, after everything, do you think I’m this rich, pretentious fuck?”

You rolled your eyes. Not this again. “Well, why do you still think I’m this money hungry monster?”

“You really wanna know why, Y/n? It’s because Jisung told me so. He was the one who told me that all those years ago.”

You were shocked. Jisung was the one who told him that? Your ex-boyfriend that you had loved and dated for almost three years? You didn’t want to believe it, you really didn’t, but there was this tiny whisper in the back of your mind telling you that it was true. He had a reason to — Jisung was always going on about how Hyunjin always took from him.

“But Y/n, I-” He stopped mid-sentence.

“You what, Hyunjin?”

He pressed his lips to yours, caressing the back of your head. You were shocked, but almost autonomously, your lips parted feeling the heat of his breath against yours. He pressed his body to yours, running his hand down your waist. His lips, the same lips responsible for his perfect smile, felt so soft against your own. You heard the thuds of his heartbeat as he held you closer.

You broke apart, gasping for breath. The realization of what you had done just hit you.

In a panic, you used your whole strength to push his body away from you. “I-I have to go.”

“Y/n, wait!” Hyunjin called.

You paid him no attention. Instead, you ran across the marble floors, hoisted the front door open, and sprinted out. Hoping that Hyunjin wasn’t following you, found your way outside and took a taxi home.

You sat in silence, trying to process what had just happened. You had just kissed Hyunjin. You had just kissed Hyunjin. Hands shaking, you grasped at the ends of your hair, trying to calm yourself down. Did that just happen?

You were more mad at yourself than at him. How could you have just kissed Hyunjin? You hated him. He was nothing but rude to you, never smiling and always accusing you of things that were clearly lies. He made you feel self conscious, nervous, and everything in between. You hated him.

But he was so sweet on that fateful day in high school. He gave you a new pair of shoes when you had slipped during practice, and he held your hair for you when you were drunk. His hair glistened in the sunlight, his smile made your heart race, and his lips ignited sparks of every colour in the rainbow in your chest.

You hated Hwang Hyunjin. You hated how fast you became infatuated with him on that day in high school, and no matter how much you tried to deny it, you hated that your feelings haven’t changed ever since. You hated Hwang Hyunjin. You hated that you loved him.

Curling up in your bed, there was no stopping the tears flowing down your face. You cried and cried upon this realization, and you remained this way for the rest of the day. The effect Hyunjin had on you was bigger than you ever expected, and you hated it.

-

At school, you tried to avoid as many people as possible. The kiss you had shared with Hyunjin was plaguing your mind, distracting you and igniting the fire that was your inner turmoil. Even the thought of Hyunjin put a strain in your heart. It was the way his breath fanned over your nose, gently tickling it like a bird’s feather and the soft silk of his blonde locks brushing up against your cheeks.

You shook your head, trying to erase any and every thought of that man. Walking to your locker, you were stopped in your tracks, the dam in your eyes starting to crack. You couldn’t do this today. You turned around to go somewhere else — anywhere else.

“Y/n, wait.”

You sniffed, wiped stray tears from your eyes, and picked up your pace.

“Y/n.” He grabbed your shoulder, turning you around to face him.

“Hyunjin, please, I can’t do this today.”

“Are you… Are you crying?” He touched your face, wiping your tears with his thumb. “Y/n, why are you crying?”

You shook your head. You were scared of what would happen if you opened your stupid mouth.

“Y/n, please.” Hyunjin begged. His voice was shaking. “Tell me why.”

You shook your head again.

“Y/n, please.” His voice cracked.

“Hyunjin,” you paused, taking a shaky breath, “it’s because I love you. I’ve loved you ever since the first moment you smiled at my pathetic ass. Even when you hurt me more than anyone has hurt me before… I never had a choice, Hyunjin. It’s always been you.”

You tore yourself away from Hyunjin, embarrassed to your core. That was the most humiliating thing you’ve ever done, but at least you had closure now.

“Y/n…”

“No, Hyunjin. You’ve torn me down and humiliated me enough already. What more could you possibly want?” You demanded, aware that everybody around you was staring.

“Y/n,” Hyunjin rasped, “It’s only ever been you. I’ve spent the last three years miserable knowing that you were with someone else. I’ve-I’ve never even been with another girl in the past three years. I know you have no reason to believe me because I was such an ass. I am such an ass. Y/n, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for projecting my insecurities on you, I’m sorry for accusing you of things I know you’ve never done, and I’m sorry for anything else I might have fucking done. Y/n, I love you. Please, I don’t fucking deserve it, but is there any way you could forgive me?”

You stared at Hyunjin’s bloodshot eyes, tears freely flowing down your cheeks, and before you could even think, you found yourself pressed against his lips. Your eyes closed, savouring the feeling of his soft lips touching your own. His wet cheek pressed against your own, and with a nudge of the nose, Hyunjin deepend the kiss with a raw passion in which you’ve never felt before.

You cradled his head, relishing in his silken blonde hair as you brushed your fingers through his locks. He sighed in response, his breath tickling against your cheek. You were fully aware that everyone on campus had seen both your messy confessions of love, but you didn’t care. All you could do was replay the moment that Hyunjin had said those words — those three tiny words — over and over in your head as you ran your fingers through his hair and kissed his soft, honey lips.

[bellafragolina]

fellow laventon enjoyer!! i’m so glad to see someone who writes for him. he’s so cute and handsome! my two favorite guys right now are ingo and professor laventon, so may i request some headcanons or a drabble (whichever you prefer) where reader (gender neutral if possible) absolutely ADORES bug-typed pokemon? like whenever they see one, they get super excited and immediately start info dumping about them! i think it would be very interesting for reader to also be the hero, having absolutely no recollection of their past or where they came from, but has seemingly endless knowledge about bug-typed pokemon. can you tell that i love bugs lol… i just think they’re so neat! they don’t get enough love in my opinion. thank you so much!

This is really cute!! Also, I love bugs! They're super neat, so if you ever want to info dumb, both my inbox and my messages are open!!

🍓🍓🍓

Laventon:

He adores you. You're just like him! He tends to ramble and info dump about Pokémon as well, so hearing you be so knowledgable in the bug types is thrilling. He's taking notes the entire time you're talking, nodding and asking questions too. You two nerds are a match made in heaven

Laventon also thinks it's very cute, how excited you get over bug types. He watches you and Warden Lian marvel over Kleavor (who very much enjoys the attention as well), and feels his heart swell in his chest. You're precious, and he can't help but want to bring you every bug type he comes across, knowing you'd love it

Laventon also finds it bittersweet, how your memory is lacking of your life, but your love for bugs shines on despite the fogginess. Watching your face fall into confusion as to why you know such facts about Wurmples hurts his heart, but it's easily fixed by asking a question that gets you going once more. He wishes he could ease your pain, or even bring back the rest of your memory, but for now, all he can do is listen and love you for everything you are

Warden Ingo:

The Warden knows it's going to be a good day when you come running with your newest find. The bug types you bring to him he knows little about, due to his amnesia being like yours, but hearing you ramble about them makes him smile. Your memory is fragile like his, but your love for bug types won't be stopped by such a thing, just like his love for whatever 'trains' are. Should you want, he'll tell you all he can remember about locomotives, and you both awe over such machines

Your excitement over bugs makes his day brighter. He gravitates towards you as you smile and coo over whatever you've found, wanting a piece of the sunshine you seem to give off whenever you're with your favorites. He'll prod you with simple questions, hoping to trigger your info dumping. He likes hearing you talk, and learning about bugs is a nice bonus

He hopes that when you both return to your homes, he'll be able to bring you as many different bugs as you want. As thanks for being his sunshine

🍓🍓🍓

Bees dance to communicate with one another. Isn't that great? I love bees

Anyway, hope you liked it! Have a great day, love!! Tell me about some bugs soon!!

~Renee

[emerald-chaos]

Touchdown

*gif not mine, credit goes to the owner*

I just want to take a moment to say thank you for the love on my last fic! It made my lil ole heart swell to see that peopled enjoyed it enough to leave a like or reblog.

This is just something special I had in my arsenal that I wrote for a friend a few months ago. I touched it up a bit and added a few things here and there. It all started when we were talking about how much we loved when Chris' accent got heavier after he'd been drinking, and well, I couldn't help myself lol. I hope you enjoy the fluff! xoxo

I apologize for any grammatical errors, I tried to proof-read but am also a little exhausted lol.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Word Count: 2844

Warnings: I don't think there's anyway? Mentions of being drunk/drinking alcohol, cursing, and illusions to sexy times, but that's about it.

You hadn’t noticed how furiously your knee was bouncing up and down until the person sitting next to you on the subway got up to move seats once the train squealed to a stop. You sighed and ran your hands down the front of your thighs. Normally being a little late didn’t bother you as much, but tonight you were meeting him.

You flipped your wrist over to check your watch. 8:30pm. In all honesty, it had probably been only thirty seconds later than when you checked it the last time. Another deep sigh escaped from your lips as you started to become hyper aware of the train remaining still at the current stop. What could possibly be taking so long? You knew he wouldn’t care if you were running late, but the time the two of you had together already felt so minuscule. You wanted to capitalize on every second you could.

The train began moving again and you slumped back into your seat, feeling only a small amount of relief. It was becoming painfully apparent that you needed to try and relax. You could feel the sweat building up on your body, the sting on your palms from where your fingernails were pressing in with a vengeance moments ago, and you could hear your heart thumping in your ears. Your hand dug around in your purse for a few moments before finding the small case you were looking for. Opening it, you slipped your headphones into your ears and let your head rest on the window behind you as music intertwined with your thoughts.

Once upon a time, you made fun of people who decided to go to grad school. What kind of a clown would spend thousands of MORE dollars and go BACK to school?? Not to mention the stress of the assignments, the due dates - it was not for you...or so you thought.

Now here you are, a regular booboo the fool.

NYU’s graduate program for design and merchandising wasn’t necessarily part of your 5-year plan, but when the opportunity landed in front of you it was difficult to pass up. NYU was a school you had only dreamt of attending back in high school. When you were a senior in high school you were able to tour the campus and fell in love immediately. Hours upon hours were spent researching grants, scholarships, and all sorts of ways to try to make it happen. However, the dream ended as most teenage dreams do - crushed. There was no way you or your parents could afford the loans that it would surely wrack up to attend the out of state university, and there was no way you could ask your parents take on that kind of debt just so you could go to college. UMass was the way to go - close to home and familiar. Not to mention you were able to obtain several scholarships and grants that helped bring down the cost tremendously. Little did you know, boring ole UMass would bring you one of the most important things in your life.

Applying for graduate school wasn’t an easy decision and one you couldn’t really take all the credit for. A smile crept across your face as you reminisced on the night you nervously brought up the idea to your long-term boyfriend.

“I think you should do it,”

“I know, right?” you scoffed, “it’s insane, why would I do something so stup...wait, what? You do?”

“Of course I do. This is something you love and that you’re passionate about. Do you know how many hours of my life were spent listening to you ramble about NYU?” he questioned with a grin.

“It will open up so many doors for you. We can make things work,” a chuckle escaped from those beautiful lips as he saw your dumbfounded expression. He wrapped his fingers around your waist and pulled you close, “What? Did you expect me to forbid it? Cmon, baby, what kind of guy do you take me for?”

You didn’t have a lot of wins in your life, but you did have Chris.

When you got accepted, he took off a week from work to drive you 3 and a half hours south to help get you settled and moved into your temporary new home. The two of you ate a disgusting amount of pizza, moved a ridiculous amount of heavy furniture in the middle of a summer heat wave, and enjoyed each other’s company before the long-distance thing would set in. Chris spent that week encouraging you every step of the way, talking you off the ledge when you were convinced you had made the wrong decision, and made sure to help you christen every possible surface of your new place in the most deliciously sinful way.

You bit your lip slightly at the thought and a warm feeling spread across your face. Chris was one of the most incredible people you had met in this world. Kind, caring, funny, intelligent, passionate, and god was he sexy. The connection the two of you had was scary at first, but now you just couldn’t imagine spending your life with anyone else.

The robotic voice came over the loud-speaker in the subway car and you were rudely ripped back to reality as it pulled into your stop. You hurriedly scooped up your bag and jogged off the train.

It had been a promise between the two of you when you moved that there would be equal effort when it came to visiting and keeping in contact while having good, open communication. Long distance was hard but the two of you were determined to make it work. FaceTime calls, hours upon hours of texting, and even as far as writing the occasional letter back and forth (because your boyfriend was a hopeless romantic and you loved it so much). This weekend was your turn to come home to visit, and of course your last class had to go longer than anticipated. Fuckin’ Tiffany and her stupid ass questions.

The muscles of your calves burned as you kept up your hurried pace, weaving through the crowds of people gathered on sidewalks outside of various clubs and restaurants. It was a weekend night and the Patriots were playing, which meant the city was more alive than usual. New York was it's own beast, but it was a different type of hustle and bustle. Nights like these made your heart ache for home - the thick Massachusetts accents, the rowdy voices of bar patrons arguing about the game, the hugs shared between family members as they parted after dinner, and the faint smell of nicotine and alcohol that hung in the air.

As the neon sign that hung in the pub window came in to view you felt your heart dip down into your stomach. Last weekend’s visit had to be cancelled due to some stuff coming up with Chris’ work and a surprise assignment for you, so you hadn’t seen your boyfriend in 2 weeks. With a deep breath you swung open the door and scanned the crowd for him. He told you that he would be there promptly at 7:15pm for pregame shenanigans with his friends - which actually translated to how many pitchers of beer could they suck down before kick off.

“Aw, come ON! That is such a bullshit call!”

You heard him before you saw him. Of course. A grin spread across your lips as you shook your head. The thought of leaving to avoid secondhand embarrassment crossed your mind briefly before you picked up your feet and made your way through the crowd toward the sound. A room full of people from New England and you would still recognize that voice anywhere.

Everyone else seemed to fade away as you saw the outline of the tall, dark haired man standing at the bar. The slight freckles that spattered the back of his neck, the Brady jersey that he spent WAY too much money customizing, and the signature backward ball cap were ingrained in your subconscious memory. Not to mention if you didn’t recognize his outline or his voice, you would definitely recognize that ass anywhere.

You loved how passionate he got about sports and the way his Boston accent seemed to get thicker with each beer he consumed. Growing up in the area, you wouldn't think the accent would send a tingle down your spine the way it does, but it was different - it was Chris. Not to mention the sparkle in his eye when he would watch his favorite team or the way he would get in to arguments whenever someone tried to say something negative about them. You loved your big, handsome, over-sized toddler man so damn much.

A light tap on his shoulder made him whip around, his slightly opened mouth from his interrupted conversation curved upwards into a wicked grin as he made the connection of who was finally standing in front of him.

“Hey there, handsome. I don’t see a ring on your finger. You single?” You grinned, feeling your entire body fill with warmth as Chris leaned back and grabbed his chest as he erupted in laughter.

“Nah, nah, nah, unfortunately for you I am taken” he responded as he snaked his arms around your waist, sliding his hands into your back pockets as he pulled you into his figure.

“That is too bad,” you tsk'd, running a finger down his toned bicep, “she’s one lucky girl.”

“I think I’m the lucky one,” he grinned. He leaned down to meet your lips in a kiss. You sighed into it, allowing your body to mold itself so perfectly into his. The taste of beer on his lips and the smell of his cologne was intoxicating - it was home. You immediately allowed him entrance as you felt his tongue glide along your bottom lip. Your body felt small in his strong grip and you couldn’t help but laugh a bit as he gave your ass a firm squeeze. Normally, this type of bold, public display of affection would make you cringe away but at this point you were lost in Chris that you had absolutely no shame. Each time the two of you embraced had always felt like the first. Your heart still fluttered and your knees still got weak, like you were a 16 year old being kissed for the first time.

In the middle of your reunion moment, however, something happened in the game that made the entire bar erupt in boo’s and curses. Chris lifted his lips from yours to look over his shoulder and inspect what he had missed. You laughed and shook your head as you pushed him back towards his friends and took a seat in the bar stool he had been standing behind initially. His large hands found a natural place on your shoulders. While his eyes remained glued on the TV he began applying a moderate amount of pressure to your neck and shoulders. You didn’t realize how much your body craved that touch, his touch, until you immediately melted back into him.

The bartender slid a beer in front of you with a wink and you mouthed your thanks. You felt a twinge in your heart as you looked around, taking in the atmosphere of the bar. This was a typical weekend night for the two of you whenever you were living together. Football, drinks, pub food, and friends. If it wasn’t this pub it was your living room, just a couple blocks away. You didn’t even mind that it was your first night back and you weren’t alone, spending it immediately wrapped up in your satin sheets. The atmosphere, the people - it was so warm and familiar that you really wouldn’t rather be doing anything else. Plus, being wrapped up together in the sheets was sure to follow.

“I missed you,” hummed a pair of lips as they placed a kiss on the shell of your ear. A shiver shot down your spine at the sensation of his warm breath fanning over your neck. You reached up a hand and connected it to the nape of his neck.

“I missed you too,” you replied, turning your head to plant a kiss on his stubbled cheek.

His arms changed position as he wrapped them in front of your shoulders and crossed them, resting his chin on the top of your head. Your hand absentmindedly rubbed his forearms as you nursed your beer and placed your focus onto the game for the first time tonight.

The laughter seemed to escape from your chest naturally and effortlessly the entire night, as it always had a habit of doing when Chris was around. The camaraderie between him and his buddies during a game was something you’d grown to enjoy over the years. Chris’ competitive nature and the way his jaw clenched when something wasn’t going the way he wanted was always kinda...hot. All of his friends were huge assholes, but in the best way. It was always entertaining to hear them jab at each other and do what they could to rile someone up. They were the life of every party you had ever attended and they had a way of making a boring night a lot more interesting.

Thankfully (for the integrity of the bar) the Pats won the game with a surprise touchdown in the last 30 seconds of the game. Chris, being the guy he is, bought a final round for his friends and a nearby group they had been going back and forth with all night. You couldn’t help but laugh as he drunkenly leaned across the counter and slurred his order to the bartender.

“I need a round for m’friends and for these assholes over here who thought Tom Brady was anything but a winner!” the group started yelling in protest and he simply waved them off and started sliding beers down the bar.

The group eventually moved to a bigger round top so everyone could shoot the shit and banter about the outcome of the game. You were tucked into Chris’ side, hands intertwined as he was passionately discussing the importance of Brady’s legacy with a stranger who made the mistake of stopping to talk to him. Your eyes followed the motion of your thumb as it traced small circles onto the back of his. Your other hand under your chin, holding up the weight of your head as your exhaustion started to catch up with you. Chris, although slightly drunk, picked up on your body language and raised your hand to his lips for a kiss.

“Alright, fellas,” he said as he stood up from his seat, pulling you up with him, “the lady and I are gonna call it a night. See you boys next weekend”.

“Chris, we don’t have to go,” you began to protest as he tucked his jacket around your shoulders.

“Mm, ‘course we do,” he replied with a soft smile, “you’re so tired, baby. I can see it in those beautiful eyes”.

You could feel your cheeks turn a light shade of pink as you rolled your eyes at his attempt at laying it on thick. After what felt like a proper 10 minute goodbye session, the group said their final goodbyes, hugs included, and you walked out of the pub hand in hand.

The walk home was filled with the sounds of cars passing by and conversation of what each other had missed in the week prior. Small talk typically felt like such a chore, but with Chris every conversation came naturally. Even when he had absolutely no idea what you were talking about, he would listen intently and ask all the questions as if it was the most interesting conversation in the world.

The lock on the apartment door clicked as you pushed it open and entered. You smiled as you stopped into the middle of the living room, taking in the home you missed so dearly. A soft tapping of toenails against the hardwood made your heart soar as you met the eyes of your sweet pup, Dodger. A squeal left your lips as you squatted down to give love to the sweet boy. Chris always made fun of you when you came home, saying that you always seemed to miss Dodger more than you did him and I mean, he wasn’t entirely wrong about that statement.

Once again lost in your own world, you didn’t even notice Chris leaned up against the wall watching you with a smile.

“Oh my god,” you gushed, standing up, “do you like...like me or something?”

Chris grinned as he crossed the room and caught your belt loop with his finger, pulling you into him slowly.

“Yeah,” his voice had dropped down an octave, “you could say that”.

“Mm,” your tongue swiped across your lower lip and you wrapped your arms around his neck, “care to show me how much?”

The look in his eyes made your core burn. The tension building between you two became too much to handle as you crashed your lips into his. The kisses were messy and you could feel the sense of urgency between you two. His beard scratched against the column of your throat with a delicious burn as he left wet kisses across your jaw and down the side of your neck. Chris’ hands found their way back into the ass pockets of your jeans as he started walking you back towards the direction of the bedroom.

Soon, there was a trail of clothes leading to your bedroom and you felt very sorry for your neighbors. It had been a long time, but Chris always had a way of welcoming you home.