#anyways at least the dollies are serving

[wynsummers]

torn between "the buried secrets line is adorable and I'm so glad we're getting some affordable dolls because I want more little kids to have access to this thing that meant so much to me growing up" and "the buried secrets line is yet another ridiculous "mystery box" gimmick that gives mattel more chances to cut corners quality wise because you can't see what you're getting before you buy it"

[livecrow]

You've been kidnapped by the local butcher and he convinces you he's going to fucking eat you.

Dark!Ghost x fat fem reader drabble

CWs: dead dove, rape, dehumanization, gaslighting, bondage, undiscussed kink(?), animal play(?), threats and talk of cannibalism but no actual cannibalism

(A tidied up and extended ramble I subjected @391780 to on anon. Inspired directly from their post where Butcher!Simon draws a diagram of beef cuts on you.)

_____________________________________________________________

It’s pretty immediately obvious he’s a murderer. He’s probably a serial killer for all you know.

In reality, Simon doesn’t consider himself a serial killer, despite his body count. He’s just someone who doesn’t have qualms dealing with nuisances. He’s a retired vet, after you’d killed enough people, what’s a few more? 

No, his kills were just business, practical. They were men who made the mistake of getting in his way, of being inconvenient. Most, anyway—there’s at least one or two whose only crime was being an especially annoying cunt. Sometimes, some people  “jus’ need killin’”. 

As a butcher, he does find the implication funny, but no, he’s not eaten any of the scum he’s off’ed. “Don’t serve ‘em up to customers, neither”. After all, Simon’s got far higher standards than that. They weren’t even fit for dog food and he has a reputation to uphold. No one can compete with his quality. 

No, you’re nothing like them. You’re special.

Never in his life had he seen a prettier creature—and you’re absolutely prime. He’s salivating just looking at you, plump and oh so soft. He can see it in the way your skin wobbles gently as you move about. Simon couldn't find a straight line on you. And he’s looked. He’s been transfixed watching you, aching.

You live your life meandering obliviously, no brand in sight, not even a tag on your ear. He's surprised no one else snatched you up. Poor thing left to fend for itself ‘s cruel. Nothing else to it. 

Wrangling you was simple, it’s not like your large form actually offered you anything towards your defense. It was easy, really. Your lack of instincts was staggering, it was even more shocking that you lasted this long, he almost couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

You were clueless to the danger, even when it was directly in front of you, it only endeared you to him. Your eyes roved over him, not paying him any mind, just carrying on about your undoubtedly inane business. Only when he was on you and it was too late did you start to kick up a fuss.

The look of panic on your face was just priceless. All this crying and babbling nonsense like, “What are you doing?!” and “Stop!”.

Simon's main concern was not damaging you too much, he was careful. Just a single huge bicep around your neck and any fight you had seemingly evaporated with fright. You're bent over in a headlock, his grip as rigid as a pillory, but he’s not applying enough pressure to actually choke you. You’re just forced helplessly to come along or be dragged.

Not that it would have mattered if you were too wild to be led, he would simply tighten his hold, and allow up a quick nap. He’d pull out the dolly, load up the truck and be on his way.

On the big stainless steel work table the metal stings you even through your clothes. Unfortunately for you, even that scant protection doesn't last. The sight of the shears was enough to paralyze you again, and with a handful of strategic snips, Simon rips your last vestiges of humanity from you. All your skin transforms to gooseflesh, shivering on the table, but your nipples is where his roaming gaze finally settles.

He’ll have to remember to adjust the heat later. After all, “‘s a bit early to start chillin’ you”, he’d chuckle. You were a bit of silly thing, he thought. Maybe it’d be a minute till you’d actually catch on.

You're his little prize. Simon will coddle you, give you plenty of softness and warmth. You’ll not want for blankets, pillows, and other such treats, but not a stitch of clothing will ever touch your skin again. There would be no hiding your nakedness.

“Clothes? Clothes ‘re for people, what y’ need clothes for?” he scoffed. You don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s a question, because he doesn’t want you to answer. A dog doesn’t answer “who's a good boy?” does he? 

He’s measuring you, jotting things down. You think distantly that the pencil looks puny in his fist. While he's at it, he's feeling and squeezing every inch of you. You’re groped and prodded like some saran wrapped package of beef at the grocery store.

Only when you think there’s finally a reprieve, you’re being hogtied. You’re trussed up in practically half a roll of twine, fat bulging between the strands, desperate to escape its bite. Simon says it looks good on you, can’t resist taking one of your new little rolls between his fingers, giving you a teasing pinch. You struggle of course, but the terrifying man commands you to “Settle”, says the only thing your fussing will get you is rope burn. 

He claps you on the ass affectionately, assuring you that the scratchy string is only temporary. He knows a guy for leather, does good work. All hand stitched. Simon will have a proper harness made for you. Something with a lot of d-rings. It will be more comfortable for you and he can situate you how he likes with minimal bruising or chaffing. 

As he admires your skin, he’ll remark offhandedly that he’ll have to ""'ave somethin' from you" too. He’s not usually one to bother, but it’d be a travesty to waste hide like yours. Couldn’t find more supple could y’? He hasn’t decided what’ll be yet, he’ll need to do some maths to figure out how much material you'll make. Behind his mask and the façade of impassivity, he savors your reaction. That’d be about the first time your consciousness flees from you.

Simon will lay it on thick, praise how "well-marbled" you are. Delectable. So plump and well-fed, you can't blame him for any of this, really. He'll say something about kobe beef and taking good care of you. He’ll massage you daily, knead every inch of you between his huge oiled hands. He'd take his time, temple t' toes. You couldn’t get a knot in a muscle if you tried.

Your more delicate bits don’t escape his tender ministrations either. He takes painstaking work in rubbing your insides down with thick fingers, wringing orgasms from you until you're limp and still as the rest of the meat in his shop. Says it’s good for the flavor, will make you even sweeter.

It’s all completely horrifying, it has to be a nightmare. He says all this so casually, like he’s telling you the time of day. This man is truly completely deranged. 

His hands are always on you, it’s never fucking ending. He's taken it upon himself that you never “exert” yourself and you have no choice in the matter. Bastard won’t even let your hands free to eat or bathe. He "grooms" you. Brushes your hair, trims your nails, cleans your teeth, brushes, lathers, rinses, dries, moisturizes your skin. It’s humiliating and you hate every second of it.

The juxtaposition is too much, the horror and absurdity of it all. All the restraints and manhandling, your looming demise, while insisting on soft surfaces for you, water temperature just right, food carefully curated and cut up just so. He won’t let anything happen to spoil the meat.

He doesn’t spare any expense on your “feed” either. You eat what he eats, might as well be eating off his plate. Albeit simple, it’s good food, you don't see a point in denying it. It's fresh and flavorful and to no one’s surprise it includes a lot of meat. Always from his shop of course, only the best for you.

He’ll bring out some new parcel every night for dinner, unfolding the brown paper wrapping, holding up to you to admire his work. “‘S a ribeye”. He goes on about the marbling, the even color of the meat. “Couldn’t find fresher” he’d say, "was only jus' bleedin' this mornin'".

You’re his captive audience. There’s nothing else you can do but warily watch him make dinner, even if seeing a blade in his hand gives your heart palpitations. Steak, sautéed mushrooms, jacket potatoes, roasted broccoli.

You’ve long since stopped fighting him when it comes to meals. Because it can always get worse. After being bent over on the floor, forced to eat off a dish without the use of your hands, you’d resigned yourself to the fact that eating off his fork was a sufferable compromise. Still, if he’s in a mood he won’t even allow that. You'll eat off his fingers, and he’ll laugh at your expense and chide you when you inevitably “make a mess”. 

The food was prepared, but this time the kitchen knife didn’t leave his grasp. It wasn’t a steak knife. It was too big and not serrated, but that didn’t seem to bother Simon. It certainly bothered you. Its presence loomed like a guillotine in your peripheral.

He feeds you bites between his own. Every mouthful and he looks so pleased. You desperately missed his mask at meal times. At least then you couldn’t see his smug fucking face.

On the plate the steam billows and curls. The meat gives easily under your molars, practically melts in your mouth. Hot and rich and juicy, it’s basted in butter, with garlic cloves and sprigs of rosemary, seasoned with cracked peppercorn and flakey sea salt. It’s a touch rarer than you’d like. 

You wish you were capable of escaping the horror of it all for even a second, pretend you were anywhere else, with anyone else.

Simon punctuated his first bite with a low rumble of approval, watching you with those dark, cavernous eyes. He’d continued in that way, a man content in silence.

”...you'll taste better.”

He waited until your last bite to say it, maybe that was mercy on his part. The meat transformed in your mouth, became sinewy and bitter. You couldn’t swallow, and went to spit it out. But he expected that apparently, was on you in a second. Giant rough hand sealed over your lips, practically enclosing the bottom half of your face, smooshing your cheeks up into your eyes. 

“Chew.”

It takes longer than usual, but you try to obey. His hand hasn’t moved from your mouth.

“Swallow.”

His eyes move from yours to your neck, his thumb grazing your throat lightly, tracing the bite’s trajectory as you force it down. His eyes are back on you then. 

With Simon’s free hand he deftly pierces the last drippy morsel off the plate with the knife, popping it between his scarred lips. The hand still on you moves, migrates to cup your jaw, gradually starting to squeeze. You don’t have any fight left and open before it becomes painful.

Fear paralyzes you again, when he brings the knife towards you.

The movement is slow, as if he’s actually concerned about frightening you. He’s holding it longwise, pointed off to the side.

Then it’s on your tongue.

He drags the flat of the blade’s length across the trembling muscle, leisurely, only moving it away to flip it and clean the other side, myoglobin discarded on your tongue 

“They’ll say ’m ‘spoilin’ ‘er rotten’. Eatin’ off my own plate, sleepin' in my own bed, warm under my roof. Keepin’ you safe indoors. Such a sweet, tame thing, are you?”. He strokes your cheek, wiping at a drip at the corner of your mouth with a thumb before popping that in his mouth too.

Whenever Simon’s put up enough with your smart mouth, he enjoys the look of your wide wet eyes and your trembling lips stretched around a padded ring gag.

The sounds you make when gagged are special little nonsense noises, almost like you're trying to talk like a person would. Sweet, pitiful sounds. He also loves when wet, choked sobs that cascade out of your open mouth, forcing you to drool. “You’re so messy, sweet’eart. Nose runnin’, too.” Says you're leaking from practically every hole. Eyes, nose, mouth, cunt.

Sometimes, you might almost be fooled into thinking he feels sorry for you in those moments when you're hyperventilating and hysterical, or wailing so mournfully. He always hushes you when you're crying, pets and hold you, dries your face, as if he’s not the cause of your tears. Despite how much Simon adores the taste of them, adores the soft jingling of the little cow bell tied ‘round your throat when your whole body quivers with sobs, the stress will sour the meat. He’ll say as much, but surprisingly it doesn’t help calm you down.

If it was necessary, he's not opposed to sedation. After all, he's done the research to find one that won't affect your flavor. But most of the time, his solution to your despair is yet another thorough fucking. Dopamine to counteract the stress.

Simon forces the orgasms out of your body as easily as he forces his cock into it, you're utterly helpless to stop either. His livelihood is working with his hands and unfortunately he’s damn good at it. When all's said and done and you're spent, he’ll lightly chastise you for working yourself up, for fussing.

He loves the heft of you in his hands, weighs your heavy tits in his palms, grips your ample belly. Simon can't resist taking mouthfuls of you into his mouth, worrying your supple fat with his incisors. Your tits, ass, thighs, arms, belly, back fat, hell, your double chin. It doesn't matter, any squishy bit of you. You're always afraid he might be getting impatient, that he’ll take a bite out of you, but he never does. Simon says he's just sampling, maybe tenderizing you a little. 

His favorite taste of yours is still between your legs. He has you thank him for being so careful there. Past you inner thighs and plump mons, the pressure of his teeth yields, feeling barely a graze. 

He likes putting mirrors in front of you, says he wants you to see how lovely you are. Your hands are clipped together, chain snagged in one of the shop's many meathooks, just low enough that you don’t strain your shoulders or quite have to stand on your tiptoes.

He directs you to watch, popping the lid off of a permanent marker with a squeak.

He maneuvers you this way and that as he works, dragging the marker down your body. His lines are surprisingly clean considering his canvas is such a pliant, organic shape. Hands are as steady as a surgeon. The marker tickled terribly on skin, the ethanol smell burning your nose, making it hard to think.

It only took a minute to recognize what he was doing. Your skin itches under the felt tip. You flail, trying desperately to smear it, to muss his work, but the ink dries too quickly.

Simon wouldn't let you keep your eyes closed, so in that moment you were grateful for the onslaught of tears blurring your vision somewhat.

That day, he showed you all your different cuts, as if you cared, as if you were together enough to pay attention.

Chuck, rib, loin, sirloin, rump, round, flank, plate, brisket, shank.

He tells you which are his favorite. Tells you which of his mates he’ll have over to enjoy you, ponders what pieces he’ll think they’ll like best. How to cook different cuts to get the best effect, that some cuts are naturally tougher and have to be cooked slowly, while the other cuts are tender and fatty, can be cooked at a higher temperature, quicker. 

From the very beginning, he’s referenced the “Big Day”.

He’ll ask if you're excited over the shinnnnk of a knife against a whetstone. Simon always keeps his tools in order, clean and sharpened expertly, but he thinks he'll polish them up extra shiny for the occasion. To a mirror finish, so you can see yourself. You're so beautiful, it'd be a cryin' shame for you to miss it. 

It’s been months now you’ve been with him and the day never comes. 

...

You didn't dare question it.

But if you did, Simon would just chuckle, amused that you're so eager. Maybe he'll say that he decided he wants some milk from you instead.

[ticktockmyclockworkhart]

Trolls redesigns part 5: country trolls!

"But there's only one actual country troll here--" QUIET HE CAN BE A COUNTRY TROLL IF HE WANTS!! I subscribe to the idea that he went off to go live the country troll life post second movie because living undercover got him kinda obsessed with that lifestyle.

Anyway, design notes under the cut as usual!

So due to my senior thesis project I'm working on I've been getting really into horses, learning about them and designing horse characters. That all being said this has... very little bearing on what I actually did with the designs lol. Has a little! Not a lot! But a little!

I didn't change much about the country trolls really, few tweaks not withstanding. I wanted to give each individual troll characteristics of real horses, at least for those who have their horse bodies exposed. I also gave them bigger ears with more taper than my other trolls, and made the ears generally perkier, to mirror horse ears.

For Delta Dawn I didn't change anything large, she was already so fabulously pretty to begin with! I just tweaked some smaller details. I kept her big hair of course in all her Dolly Parton glory. For her horse half, I decided to make her an appaloosa, mainly just for aesthetics as the horses are so strikingly pretty and I think it fits her style of doing everything "big" and having such an "extra" sense about her. I changed her belt buckle from a button to a classic sheriff's star so even from a glance, you can tell she's the boss around Lonesome Flats. She also has gold horseshoes! Not to mention a gold nose hoop, because even though it's much more associated with cattle than horses of any kind, it's still giving "big and powerful". I also made her arms bigger and more toned because I won't stand for cowgirls who couldn't crush your fingers with a firm southern handshake. Also changed her tail from teal to the same red as her hair. It's honestly not that big of a deal and didn't bother me the way King Quincy's shade of teal did, but I just like to really tie up my color palettes and keep them tight, so I thought it would be a better matching choice. I also gave her a tied-up tail, because her long dragging one looks like a NUISANCE AND A HALF! She's got all the dirt and debris of Lonesome Flats living in that tail, not to mention the tripping hazard it would be! So I shortened it a bit and tied it up. She's as practical as she is pretty, after all.

Hickory slays already, I mean, he was literally designed to be "the guy your girl tells you not to worry about". So maybe just have him serve a liiiiiiittle 🤏more? As a treat? ONE: I gave him the fruity ear piercing. He does only have one. I also gave him some fingerless gloves to match with his vest since, compared to other Lonesome Flats residents (And I do know he's in disguise and not a bona fide country troll, but still teehee) his upper half is kinda barren in the way of accessories. Which is also why I gave him the bandana. Partially bias, lol, I love bandanas.

Hope you like this newest batch as I get to the next ones!

[yeehaw-in-magic-space]

Session 5 Recap: Part 1/6

The party met with King Barley in his private hangar below the mountain. Geraldine launched into conversation with Barley, wasting no time in bargaining to replace their ship rather than simplying reparing it. She offered for the group to take on extra jobs in exchange for a better vessel—which Chuck encouraged her to go all in on since they didn’t intend to honor their initial agreement anyway. Barley agreed, and showed off his “fleet”, which was a collection of old freighters and a couple banged up military ships from his time as a ranger.

While the party inspected the ships, Dolly noticed that each one was rigged with explosives and tracking devices and subtly signaled the rest of the party that they were being set up. She pressed the issue, figuring that Barley wouldn’t budge unless she called him on his con. She said she was disappointed in what he had to offer, and then Prometheus added that he was expecting a mighty collection and assumed they were working for a well established Bandit King with a good sense of taste. With his ego bruised, King Barley showed them a second elevator that led to a lower level of the hangar where he kept better vessels. If they managed to impress him on the job, then he would be happy to give them something from his personal collection... assuming they were willing to work for it for some time. 

They then learned about the job he had planned for them: initially, he was intending to make them serve on a fishing vessel or as muscle collecting tributes in one of his towns, but he’d been having trouble with a recently established outpost. His men had stopped responding to radio signals and he was concerned that something had happened to them. He planned to send them with a small scouting party to check out the area and resolve his worries in whatever way seemed necessary upon arrival. 

He returned all of their equipment to them (including Chuck’s automatons, who had been kept on low power and in stockades) and directed them towards their ship—though he stopped to inform them that the young mansion guard Oliver would be going along to watch the dining car and that if they did anything to force his hand Oliver would be blown to bits along with them. They met up with the scouts and started to load up their things, but before they took off they were introduced to the final members of their crew for the day: the jackalopes. Three massive hares with antlers were brought onto the ship, apparently to ride once they landed the dining car in a covert location. 

Geraldine took a brief moment before they took off to flirt with Oliver and to make sure that she still had a hold on him in case they needed information later. She placed a delicate hand on his shoulder and reassured him that they were excited to have him along. He seemed charmed, but also focused on pleasing King Barley above all else, so she quickly wrapped up the encounter and made her way to a seat near Dolly and Prometheus.

Chuck took the helm—though an Outlaw named Dustin sidled up next to him to serve as navigator. They had an awkward conversation where Dustin indicated that he’d been following Barley since before he was a Bandit King, and that he preferred to just keep his head down and do what he was told. He seemed to think highly enough of his leader, or at least, he wasn’t stupid enough to jeopardize his pay by voicing complaints. They were accompanied by three other men: Nolan (who seemed to be the one calling the shots), Oliver, and another man who didn’t offer his name but seemed to be there to guard the ship in case of emergencies. The presence of so many outlaws made Chuck panic and psychically communicate to his traveling companions that they needed to start making a plan for how to get rid of these guys. They weren’t doing it today, but on the next mission he seemed certain that they’d have at least as many escorts if not more. They all silently communicated plans, but came to no comfortable conclusion as these men waltzed around their ship like they owned it, which for the time being, they did.

[offsidekineticist]

🏰 for Theovan please!

Thanks for the ask, Dolly! Best part having gnome characters is I can go hogwild about what their childhood homes looked like :P

"I told him this would happen!" Regill rants, pacing back and forth in the magic tiny hut your step-mom had conjured for the family to use until your father found a more permanent solution to your current housing situation. That situation being that your father's efforts at building "the biggest, most beautiful observatory in Brastlewark" had caused your home to topple into your neighbor's home, triggering a domino effect that took out half the neighborhood. Your father's cheerful assurances that he hadn't yet installed the telescope (which now sits in the center of the Tiny Hut, shielded from the elements) hadn't mollified your brother in the least.

"I told him," he continues, "that the house was already really, really, really tall, and we don't need an observatory anyway! What would we even use it for?!"

(You personally think an observatory would have been cool. Your mom taught you the constellations and how to use them to navigate on the ocean and in deserts and the Mana Wastes, and that really came in handy when you had to find your own way to Alkenstar after she died. An observatory would make it easier to teach Regill about the stars so he can find his way home when he gets lost in the desert and has to walk home alone.)

"How was he even going to get the telescope up there?" Regill continues, throwing his hands in the air for emphasis. "It wouldn't have fit past the slide!"

(The fastest way down from the old top floor was to go down the tube slide that wrapped around the house. The top floor served no purpose except to house the top of the slide, and so was very small - just enough space for your dad to lay on the floor with his limbs splayed out without touching the walls - which might be why it wasn't able to support the new top floor, which was almost as wide as the rest of the house had been)

"If he had just listened to me," your brother continues, "and replaced the slide with the observatory, we wouldn't be in this mess! But nobody ever listens to me!!" The last words are halfway between a whine and a scream, and he flops down onto his bedroll.

You sit down next to your brother and give him a skeptical look - it's not quite true that nobody ever listens to him.

"You don't count," Regill says, petulantly crossing his arms and rolling onto his side to face away from you, and you try not to let the dismissal hurt (because of course you don't count - why would you have expected to count? That would be silly.) "Someday they'll listen to me. They'll have to. I'll make them listen." His head pops up from where he's laying on the bed, his back twisting so he can just see you as he points at you. "I'll make them listen to you, too," he declares. "Or - well, if they're listening to me, they'll listen to you, because you usually let me do the talking. But if you decide you want to talk too, they'll listen to you because if they don't, I'll...I'll..." his head and hand drop back onto the bedroll, and he makes a long and frustrated "UNGH!!!!" sound. "I'll figure something out," he finally says. "But they won't like it, so they'll listen to us, and then nobody's house will have to fall over because they were stupid."

[thefamilyeldritchabomination]

Chapter Four: The Retinue of Moons/The Infidel is me Pt. 2

“What sort of minerals are these!? Are they a kind of quartz or a kind of Beryl? They look amazing!” Freddy said as he examined the red stones in the bag. “Those are incomplete Philosopher’s Stones, otherwise known as Red Stones. My kind are the only ones who can eat them.” Envy explained, trying to hint to Dolly to eat the red stones.

“Wait, the stone is real?” Freddy asked wide eyed at that revelation, being played like a puppet by the Homunculi inadvertently. “Yes Freddy, it's very much real and you’re in luck that you’ve been assigned me to assist you in making the stone. I’ll be moving in with you in two weeks to help you figure out how to make the stone.” The terrible lizard in human skin named Envy said, enticing Freddy with the promise of being able to create the Philosopher’s Stone. “What would happen if Freddy wasn’t able to make this stone on time?” Dolly inquired immediately, her eldritch babysitter instincts kicking in. “Nothing too bad, he’d be fed to Gluttony. However, I am confident enough to say that’ll likely not be the case since Freddy did a pretty impressive thing for his exam, for a human anyways.” Envy for once being truthful said. “It’s a deal!” Freddy exclaimed as he held his hand out to shake on it before Dolly could say anything. “Can I ask what exactly Freddy did for his exam?” Dolly asked, very horrified at what Freddy just got himself into. “That’s classified by the government, but I can tell you that it's been keeping the security staff on their feet since being introduced.” Envy with a disgusting smirk said as they shook Freddy’s hand. Dolly stared at Freddy who was busy being wrapped up in the idea of making a Philosopher’s Stone. She was visibly upset at Freddy for making such a deal, but was also just as concerned as to what exactly Freddy did to get accepted into being a State Alchemist. Envy had finished their plate and had debated about getting a second serving before getting shut down by Lust who gave them a glare. Being denied a second helping, Envy took a breath as they shoved the bag of red stones towards Dolly, earning them a look of confusion. “As for you, as much as it absolutely disgusts me to say this, I am expecting you to visit us at least twice a day. If you do not, I will come over to Freddy’s apartment just like this again.” Envy said with a near snarl like tone.

 “Let me guess, if I leave town for home you’ll come there too then?” Dolly asked, not enjoying this demand at all. “That would be correct, I also expect the stones in the bag to be empty by tomorrow.” Envy said, finally got up from the table and signaling to Lust and Gluttony that it was time to go. Dolly watched Envy and their friends leave, her honey brown eyes slitting a bit from overhead light gaining a cold glare to them. She really wasn’t thrilled with the audacity of the approach or how now there was a chance Freddy could be horrifically devoured should he fail in producing the stone. Freddy happily finished eating his meal and got up to put his dish away as Dolly finally decided to eat now that this ordeal has passed. There was a wait from Dolly’s part, monitoring Freddy to see if the realization would hit him or not. Placing her fork and knife down, Dolly dropped her glamor to be in her true form to have a good talk with Freddy. “Freddy, what exactly did you do during your entrance exam? Seriously, you have some shady people that aren’t humans monitoring your every move to the point they know where we live along with your parents.” Dolly asked, wanting some answers. “You know what, I think I have some peppermint ice cream in the freezer that would go perfectly as a dessert right about now.” Freddy danced around the question looking nervous when confronted. “For the love of life, Freddy, you are going to tell me what you’ve done or I’m teleporting and getting your Mother to fish the answer out from you.” Dolly said, putting her foot down on the question dodging. 

 “You wouldn’t dare! Mom would destroy the apartment!” Freddy flinched as he knew there was no way out. “Then start talking, cause whatever you did, it has put the whole family in danger.” Dolly firmly stated as she watched Freddy to see what route he was going to take.

   The quiet pause was deafening between Freddy and Dolly. Freddy finally relented as he made his way over to the coat closet to retrieve a small chest like crate and brought it over to the dining table. There was a guilt in Freddy’s eyes as carefully got the crate unlocked and the lid swung open with a creak. 

[marzipanandminutiae]

“How WWI Got Women To Start Wearing Bras”- a reaction

link to video

so for starters this image:

“Corsets dominated the wardrobes of wealthier women in the western world for centuries” is a true statement...if by “centuries” you mean  “from roughly Elizabethan times to the early 18th century” and by “corsets” you mean “pairs of bodies.” After that, stays and then corsets were worn by all classes of women, from enslaved women to servants to middle-class professionals to queens. 

The first brassiere called by that name was patented in 1914 by Mary Phelps Jacobs, and earlier models of “bust improvers” were being worn with the lower-cut corsets of the 1910s even before that. So I’m not sure you can make a case that this alleged ban on corsets in the US only starting in 1917 was the beginning of the bra.

Side note I found a website claiming that she made her proto-bra because of discomfort from corset boning poking her. It was because the corset’s lace trim showed under her low-cut evening dress you revisionist asses

“Ultra-tight, ultra restrictive corsets.” There it is!

Impossible to work in a factory wearing a corset? So every female worker since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution was just free-boobing it? #themoreyouknow

here come the hot takes

“With corsets out, women could move and breathe again!” 

Fact: from 1700-approx. 1920, no woman ever moved or breathed

They were all hooked up to oxygen tanks, getting wheeled about upright on movers’ dollies

We’re just not going to talk about 1920s-1970s girdles and 1920s literal breast-binding are we

Okay now it’s just a bunch of pretty accurate later 20th century bra history

They do touch on Mary Phelps Jacobs, at least.

So, this whole 1917 American corset ban/discouragement thing. I’m looking into it and not finding much reliable information beyond the fact that some corset manufacturers switched to weapons production during the war.

Plus there are definitely American corset ads and extant examples from the war years

So...this video’s main thesis might not even be a Thing?

Before America entered the war, corsets were already starting to shift from primarily breast support garments into their lower-cut 1920s incarnations (girdles). It seems to me that the rise of the bra was on the horizon with or without metal shortages.

To say nothing of the fact that, once again, A LOT OF WOMEN WORE GIRDLES IN THE 1920S

SOMETIMES THEY WERE EVEN STILL CALLED “CORSETS” DESPITE SERVING A DIFFERENT PRIMARY FUNCTION

So anyway yeah this is mostly a load of nonsense

I don’t drink much but right now I need an amaretto sour and a nap

[the-al-chemist]

To Bag A Bounty-Hunter - Artemis in the Wild West AU

@that-scouse-wizard, you’re a bad influence. @lifeofkaze, so are you. This little scenelet is for both of you.

Deadwood. A small settlement at the crossing of several routes. A town which many passed through, but where not many cared to stay.

At the top end of the main street stood the Gold Dragon. The tavern was clearly a lively place, as the sounds of piano music and drunkards could be heard from across the dirt track that ran down the centre of the town. Artemis ran towards the saloon, dodging a horse and wagon as she sped across from one side of the street to the other, and stood on her tiptoes to peer through the dusty window into the bar.

There were enough revellers inside that she figured no one would notice her, small as she was, so she slipped inside and made her way to the counter, where a heavily tattooed (and even more heavily built) man was cleaning glasses with a dishrag, and a pretty brunette woman to his left was serving whiskey to a group of men who looked and smelt as if they’d come straight in off the road.

“You’re a bit young to be in here, missy,” the man behind the bar said to her. “Think you might be lost. May I help you find your way?”

“I’m not looking for any way,” Artemis said, indignantly. “I’m looking for a person.”

“And who might that person be?”

“They call him Red Fang.”

The barman frowned and put down his glass and rag.

“How’d you come to hear about old Red?” he asked, dropping his voice.

“He’s famous. Infamous,” Artemis said. “Everyone’s heard of William ‘Red Fang’ Weasley the Bounty Hunter, ain’t they?”

“Sure they have, but not everyone knows how to find him. He’s a private man these days, and not a bounty hunter no more, neither. Say, what do you want with him?”

“That’s for me to know and him to find out. So, is he here?”

The bartender sighed, and pointed to a table at the very back of the saloon, where a man was sitting with his boots up on the table in front of him. His face was hidden by the brim of his hat, but Artemis could just about make out a flash of red hair underneath it. She stepped away from the bar, and towards the stranger.

“I need to talk to you,” she said as she approached him, “Red Fang.”

“No one’s called me that in years.”

“But you are him, though, aren’t you? Red Fang?”

“What’s left of him, anyway,” came the reply, accompanied by a low, dark chuckle.

The man picked up a bottle of whiskey off the table in front of him and drank straight from it. The bottle was only half full before he picked it up, but now its contents were even more noticeably depleted. Artemis couldn’t help but feel disappointed. She’d been hoping for more than a scruffy old drunk. Nevertheless, she pulled up a chair and sat opposite him.

The ex-bounty hunter looked up and across at her. He had a weathered face that probably had once been handsome, but had been worn by years of hardship, and now had several jagged scars traversing from his right eyebrow to the left side of his nose, which looked as if it had been broken multiple times. The lower half of his face was covered by a scraggly beard the same shade of red as his long, messy hair. At the sight of Artemis, a small sardonic grin twisted his features.

“And what might a little girl like you be doing in an establishment such as this?” he asked her.

“Looking for you.”

“Why’s that?”

“I want to hire you,” Artemis told him. He laughed and shook his head.

“You can’t afford me,” he said, leaning back and closing his eyes, his hat falling over his forehead. “Besides, I’m retired.”

“Stop being retired.”

Red Fang chuckled again.

“I happen to enjoy my retirement,” he said, not even opening his eyes. “But thanks for considering me for the job. Just out of interest, what was it? You lost your dolly?”

“No,” Artemis scowled at him. “My brother.”

“That was careless of you.”

“I think you might know him, actually. By reputation, at least.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Artemis folded her arms in front of her chest and pursed her lips, eyebrows raised. “The Hellrider. Jacob Hexley. Remember him?”

Under his hat, Red Fang’s face tensed. He opened his eyes, lifted the brim, and swung his feet down off the table. He leant forward and looked at Artemis properly for the first time, scrutinising her with his tired-looking, grey-blue eyes.

“Well, I’ll be damned,” he muttered. “It’s a baby girl Hellrider.”

“Yeah, yeah. You gonna take the job, or what?”

“I already told you, I’m retired. And planning on staying that way. It’s less dangerous.”

“But more dull.”

“Call it what you like, Little One,” said Red Fang. “I got my peace, I got my whiskey. I’m a contented man.”

“You look a little too contented to me,” Artemis said, glaring at him.

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean, look at you. You’ve gone soft. And I don’t just mean emotionally, either. You’ve got a damn belly on you,” she said, staring at his gaping shirt buttons pointedly. “So much for you being the best bounty hunter in the county. I bet you couldn’t even find my dolly, let alone Hellrider Jake.” She sighed loudly, dramatically, before continuing, “I guess it’s true what they say, huh? Never meet your heroes. Ah, well. I’m sorry for disturbing you, Mister Red Fang, or whatever’s left of him. Though, there’s really not much left, is there?”

With that, Artemis rose from her chair, turned away from the retired bounty hunter, and started to tread away from him towards the saloon doors. She only made it five steps before he called after her.

“Whoa. Just hold up there, girly.”

Artemis looked back at him over her shoulder. Red Fang was staring at her, leaning with his elbows on the table.

“Yessir?”

“When you say you want to hire me,” he said, cocking one eyebrow at her. “Exactly how much money are we talking?”

Artemis smirked, and returned to the table. Her plan had worked.

Now all she had to do was convince him to let her come along for the ride.

[looneyllama-archive]

Fixing Raggedy Ann and Andy: a Musical Adventure

I recently discovered this gem of a film, and I’ve fallen in love with these funky little rag dollies! Raggedy Ann and Andy: a Musical Adventure has stunning animation, incredible music, and charming characters. That said, I can certainly see the flaws in the story, characters, and musical structure of the film, so I’ve written up what I would change to make it stronger.

Under the cut, because this got looooong.

• Theme: this film is actually not far off from having a solid story, if you think of the film being about love and happiness, rather than about the literal adventure. Every character’s goal is to find happiness. The captain thinks that claiming Babette as his bride, as if she’s a pretty trophy to show off, will make him happy. The Greedy follows a similar line of thinking, as he believes finding a sweetheart to add to his collection of sweets will make him happy. Even though both are desiring people, they demonstrate the idea of finding joy in ownership, rather than in interaction. Babette and the Camel are both trying to get home, with the former wanting to go to Paris and the latter wanting to join a camel caravan. They place all of their hopes for happiness on finding a certain place, instead of trying to make the best of where they are. Sir Leonard Looney thinks that joy comes from playing pranks on others and laughing at them. Finally, Raggedy Ann and Andy know that happiness comes from being with your loved ones.

• Characters: to start, notice that I left King Koo Koo off the list of characters discussed in the theme section. This decision is due to the fact that his goal is confusing; he also tries to find joy in the misery of others, but that’s to serve another goal, making himself bigger (which just ends up being disturbing in the film). I say that this character should be scrapped entirely. In terms of theme, Sir Leonard makes him redundant, and in terms of plot, it’s not difficult to write him out (more on that later). The other major character that needs an overhaul is the Captain. I get what they were going for; he’s supposed to be desperately lonely inside his snowglobe—even though he seems to have an entire pirate crew—which is why he kidnaps Babette. At the end of the film, he’s supposed to be redeemed, but he still comes across as acting creepy toward Babette, and he never even apologizes! I would tweak this character. First of all, he should be entirely alone in the snowglobe save for Queasy; this doesn’t justify his actions, mind you, but it at least makes him a little more sympathetic. Most importantly, he needs to come to the realization on his own that what he did was wrong. Instead of having him complain to Queasy in the brig about losing his “prize,” have him admit that he messed up; he can’t cure his loneliness if he treats other people like trophies, rather than showing them respect. The Captain also needs actually apologize for his actions—it’s hardly fair to have Babette apologize for causing trouble, but then for the person who started the whole mess to get off scot-free! Additionally, to lessen the creep factor, I would also have him no longer be “in love” with Babette at the end of the film, but instead show him respecting her as a friend.

• Songs: I love most of the songs in this film, but there certainly are too many—there’s 19 songs on the soundtrack! The first fix is to eliminate all of the Twin Penny jingles. These mini-songs are unnecessary, always bringing the story to a screeching halt and interrupting the flow of dialogue. Also, the Twin Pennies get the first song of the film, which hardly makes sense! That brings us down to 16 songs. The second obvious fix is to get rid of any background songs, or any songs that aren’t actual musical numbers in the film. That scratches “A Miracle” and “the Abduction & Yo-Ho,” which are both played behind dialogue during the kidnapping scene; the latter song doesn’t even end properly! I would also include “Camel’s Mirage” among these songs, and change that to an instrumental version, since the lyrics don’t contribute much impact anyway. 13 songs now. If we apply the change I made under the characters section, the elimination of King Koo Koo, we can get rid of "Hail to Our Glorious King” and "It's Not Easy Being King,” bringing us down to 11 songs. The final fix would be to combine songs whenever there’s two back-to-back. The film already does this anyway, having the final song “Home” transition into a reprise of “Candy Hearts and Paper Flowers,” so it wouldn’t be difficult to do it for a few other songs. The first instance of this is “Rag Dolly” and “Poor Babette.” Since “Poor Babette” is a pretty weak tune anyway, let’s just make Babette’s lament into another verse of “Rag Dolly!” Just switch it to a more dismal sound and change the lyrics—I’m thinking something along these lines: “Oh, I’m just a poor dolly, stranded so far from Paris / such a miserable dolly, trapped in this strange nursery / I feel melancholy, knowing I can’t get away / so this French dolly, scared and alone, has no choice but to stay.” The other two songs I would combine would be “Hooray for Me” and “You’re My Friend.” This one is even easier, since both songs are already call-and-response; just rearrange “Hooray for Me” as follows: “Hooray for me! Hooray for she! / Babette of Paris! She’s captain, see! / What joy, what glee! What joy, what glee! / When our voyage ends / once we’ve crossed the deep blue sea / we’ll reach Paris! We’ll reach Paris!” That makes our final count 9 songs: “I Look, And What Do I See,” “I’m No Girl’s Toy,” “Rag Dolly,” "Candy Hearts and Paper Flowers,” “Blue,” “I Never Get Enough,” “I Love You,” “You’re My Friend,” and “Home/Candy Hearts and Paper Flowers reprise.”

• Setting: now, I love how surreal the settings are, but I’ll readily admit that it doesn’t make much sense. The film says that Ann and Andy just go into the woods, and yet they run into a Taffy Pit and a Looney Kingdom out there! To help with suspension of disbelief, I say that instead of going out the window to chase the Captain, they go into Marcella’s drawings.

• Plot: with all of these changes in place, let’s play out the story! The beginning goes the same until we get to the Captain’s escape. Ann still helps him get out, but instead of him already having a ship and a crew inside the snowglobe, he goes up to one of Marcella’s drawings, a pirate ship on the sea, and orders the crew to jump out and help him kidnap Babette. The pirates then escape into a drawing of a starry sky over a desert sticking out of Marcella’s backpack. Ann and Andy follow them in, and the meet the Camel. He was abandoned in the lost-and-found at the school and ended up climbing into the drawing to look for his caravan. He agrees to help Ann and Andy, but gets distracted by the camels in the sky; the three ride right off the edge of the page and into a different drawing, this one showing candies and sweets galore. The encounter with the Greedy plays out as in the original film, and the trio escapes into another drawing, this one showing a castle. They run into Sir Leonard Looney, who intends to keep them in Looneyland for his own entertainment, but they get him and the other Loonies distracted by throwing pies and escape into the sea drawing. Sir Leonard is the one who calls up Gazooks to pursue them, hoping to get the last laugh. The three use the H.M.S. Koo Koo to get onto the ship and find Babette has become Captain. Crucially, we see the Captain showing remorse for his actions while he’s in the brig. While Babette is tying up Ann, Andy, and the Camel, the Captain spots Gazooks sneaking up on the ship through a porthole; he breaks out of the brig and gets on deck to warn Babette. Babette realizes she’ll have to give up on reaching Paris to keep her new friends safe. She commands her crew to turn the ship around. Gazooks attacks, tickling all of the crew as well as Andy and the Camel. While they’re being shaken around, Andy and the Camel drop joy buzzers and gum balls that got caught up in their clothes/wrinkled knees in the Taffy Pit and the Looney Kingdom. Ann, Babette, and the Captain pick up these items, and use them to load up a cannon and fire at Gazooks. The explosion knocks the toys out of the drawing. The Captain lands on a shelf by his snowglobe, but the Camel goes out the window and lands on the ground. Ann, Andy, and Babette nearly fall as well, but manage to hang onto the curtain. Ann is terrified for Babette, who will shatter if she falls. Just as the three think Babette is going to drop, Marcella comes in. She grabs her silly dolls, scolds them for playing near an open window, and puts them back in their proper places before leaving again. (I’m writing this scene with the original stories in mind; the original Marcella always seemed fairly aware that her dolls were getting into trouble behind her back, and would just scold them and save them as necessary.) The dolls are relieved to be home, and we get the Captain’s apology, and show him respecting Babette as a friend, as well as quite an impressive pirate Captain herself! Meanwhile, the Camel is left outside. He sees the caravan once again, but unlike in the original film, it leads in the opposite direction of the house. He stares at them longingly, but forces himself to turn away, and goes for the playroom window instead. Of course, he’s welcomed into the family, and we get our happy ending at last.

If you made it this far, please let me know what you think of my fixes, and what you would change about the film!

[leigh-kelly]

The Nanny-Chapter 2

Defeated by her inability to sell any makeup, and her total failure at faking her way into a job as a nanny, Brittany returns to her parents’ apartment in Flushing. Her mother is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and she feels exactly twelve years old as she sinks down onto the couch. This definitely isn’t where she saw herself at nearly thirty, and when she looks at her phone to see text messages from Sugar complaining about working with Quinn, she just throws it to the side. Her life is in total shambles, and all she needs is some dose of good luck to turn it around.

“Ma, what am I supposed to do? I dropped out of college to work in Dani’s stupid bridal shop, I have no real skills, no girlfriend, and I’m living with my mother.”

“It’s no picnic living with you either, kid.” Whitney Piece opens the doorway between the kitchen and the living room and holds a raw chicken in her hands. “You’re really butting in on mine and your father’s private time.”

“Ew, Mom, gross. I don’t need to hear about that. I’m having enough of a terrible day.”

“I say you march back down to that Ms. Lopez’s mansion and give her a piece of your mind.”

“What’s that even going to do? She didn’t do anything to me. If I’m going to give anyone a piece of my mind, it’s going to be Dani Fucking Harper for cheating on me and firing me. She’s the one that got me into this situation.”

“You’re the one that got yourself into this situation. I warned you about Dani when you started dating her. You wouldn’t let me look you up with Jeannie’s nice son Artie who would have married you and made you a millionaire. A millionaire, you hear me? He just sold his first tech company for five-hundred million dollars. But instead, you chose Dani with the bridal shop.”

“Why do you have to make everything worse? I went on a date with Artie, and he so wasn’t into reenacting my Lady and the Tramp fantasy and kept talking to me like he was some kind of rapper. It’s not like I expected Dani to cheat on me.”

“She was shifty, I would have expected it.”

“Gee, thanks Mom.” Brittany rolls her eyes, and then, from where it landed under the couch when she tossed it, Brittany’s phone begins to ring. She stoops down to pick it up, and she furrows her brow when she sees a strange 212 area code light up the screen. “I guess I should take this, it’s probably someone calling to tell me that I have to sell my kidneys in order to survive the next month.”

“Only sell one, or else you’ll die, and your father and I will be responsible for paying back that ten thousand dollars in student loans you took out.”

“You’re just full of hope today, aren’t you?” Brittany sighs and presses the accept call button on her phone. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this Miss Pierce?”

“Um, yeah, who’s this?”

“Santana Lopez, we met earlier.”

“Right, how could I forget the gorgeous millionaire with the big mansion?”

“Gorgeous millionaire, I’m listening.” Whitney sits down next to Brittany, and she shoos her away.

“I’ve reconsidered what I said earlier. You seemed to have a way with Tyler, and I’d like to hire you on a trial basis, assuming you can move in today and start immediately.”

“Move in? It’s a live-in position?”

“Well yes, is that going to be a problem?”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can pack my bags. Oh, thank you, Ms. Lopez, thank you! You won’t regret this.”

“I have some reason to believe that I will…but I’ll see you this afternoon.”

In less than an hour, Brittany packs up everything she owns and is in the back of a cab headed toward Manhattan. She thinks she probably should be nervous, but she’s not, she’s totally got this and she’s going to show Ms. Lopez that she’s totally wrong about thinking she’s going to regret hiring her. Kids absolutely love her, she’s sure that she’ll win over Tyler with his fake blood, Abigail with her whining and Valerie with her sad eyes. It’s going to be a total piece of cake, she just knows it.

“Miss Pierce.” The butler opens the door when she gets there and hurries out to the cab to go help her with her things. Most of the stuff in the apartment she shared with Dani wasn’t hers, so she really just has four suitcases chock full of clothes and a big Rubbermaid bin full of shoes.

Brittany looks around the house and it’s surprisingly quiet. Something about it reminds her of The Sound of Music, her absolute favorite comfort movie when she was a kid, and she eyes the drapes, hoping she doesn’t have to teach herself how to sew in order to make the kids play clothes. Shaking her head, she moves over to the side table and reaches out to touch what is probably a very expensive crystal vase when she hears footsteps and then retracts her hand.

“I’d appreciate if you didn’t touch the antiques.” Santana puts her hand on her hip and cocks her head to the side. “And I expect I won’t have to watch over you while you’re watching the children.”

“Why do you have antiques in a house full of kids anyway?”

“We taught them from a young age what was theirs to touch and what wasn’t. I’ve never had a problem before.”

“Even with Tyler?”

“Well—” Santana begins and then is stopped by the sound of screeching coming into the room.

“Mommy! Look at my dolly! Tyler ripped her head right off and put it in the toilet bowl!” Abigail cried.

“I did not!” Tyler tumbles into the room. “She’s a big fat liar. She did it herself just to get me in trouble.”

“A new doll for Abigail will be coming right out of your allowance, young man.” Santana furrows her brow and looks between the children. “Both of you, say hello to Miss Pierce.”

“Miss Pierce? No way, I’m just Brittany.”

“I’d prefer if the children called you Miss Pierce.”

“And I’d prefer if they called me Brittany.” Brittany challenges. “Listen, Abigail, I’m an expert doll fixer. Why don’t you come upstairs with me and we’ll get her all taken care of?”

An hour later, Abigail’s doll is fixed, Tyler is distracted with a new bucket of Legos that Kurt—the butler, now that Brittany has learned his name—brought out and Brittany is almost finished unpacking. She’s not sure where Valerie is, though she thinks she should probably be aware of that, and she wonders exactly how one nannies a fifteen-year-old. It’s not like she needs dolls fixed or lessons in not using ketchup as fake blood, but Brittany is sure she’ll learn on the job.

“Miss Pierce.” Kurt knocks on the door to her bedroom and Brittany cringes a little at everyone in this house and their formalities. “Dinner is served.”

Brittany makes her way down the stairs and into the dining room, but when she gets there, she realizes that there are only four places set. She wrinkles her nose a little and looks to Kurt, who is puzzled by her expression. He holds out his hand toward the kitchen, apparently assuming that’s where she’ll eat and Brittany’s eyebrows raise.

“The nanny normally eats in there on her own while Ms. Lopez has meals with the children.”

“Well that’s ridiculous.” Brittany goes into the kitchen and picks up the plate set for her, carrying into the dining room. “Isn’t a nanny supposed to be part of the family? I’ll be eating with them.”

Valerie comes into the dining room first and gives Brittany the same strange look that Kurt did. Brittany is in utter shock that any other nanny put up with this and she simply unfolds her napkin and puts it on her lap like she’s seen people do in movies. At home, she mostly used paper towels as napkins and can’t really understand why anyone would think cloth napkins were a better idea, but she guesses she may as well learn how to fit in with these rich people.

“You know you’re supposed to eat in the kitchen.” Valerie tells her, standing behind her own chair.

“Maybe that’s how it used to be, but if I’m going to spend all my time with you, I think I should at least be able to eat with you.”

“Miss Pierce.” Santana comes in, followed by Abigail and Tyler. “You’re—”

“Supposed to eat in the kitchen, I know. I—” Brittany tries to think of the most appropriate response to her new boss. “I think it’s better for the kids to see me eating with the family, then they know they should respect me.”

“Well. Alright then.” Santana sits down.

Dinner is the weirdest thing Brittany has ever experienced. Not a single one of them talk. She keeps trying to start a conversation, get everyone to at least pretend they’re at the table with other people, but no one takes the bait. She watches Tyler hide his broccoli in his napkin, watches Abigail obsessively sort her food, watches Valerie eat more slowly than she’s ever seen a human being eat and watches Santana look down at her phone every thirty seconds. Then, just when she feels like she’s about to explode, Rachel Berry barges into the dining room with a flourish.

“I just got off the phone with Brody Weston, he wants to have dinner with us tonight.” She shrieks. “This could be our chance to land Broadway’s biggest star. Lin Manuel Miranda doesn’t stand a chance against us if we get him!”

“Let’s go.” Santana stands up, pushing her plate away. “Miss Pierce, I expect you’ll be alright getting the children to bed?”

“You’ve got it. What, like ten o’clock?”

“No. More like eight o’clock. Valerie can stay up until nine-thirty.”

“Right…” Brittany shakes her head, thinking maybe Valerie is way too old to have a nine-thirty bedtime, but she’s not going to argue with her boss. “Uh, have fun.”

“Miss Pierce.” Rachel’s voice gets high and shrill. “We are not doing this for fun.”

They leave the dining room and Brittany looks around at the three kids. Abigail looks crestfallen, Tyler looks like he’s planning something and Valerie just looks completely aloof to the entire situation. Maybe it’s weird, but Brittany wants to know more about Ms. Lopez. She’s living in her house after all and if feels weird that they’ve exchanged maybe one-hundred words. But she’s not exactly about to ask, the woman was weird enough about her sitting at the dinner table with them and even weirder about the kids calling her Brittany, so she thinks if she actually asks something personal her head will explode.

“So…what’s up guys?” Brittany asks. “You know there’s no law that you have to be quiet at the dinner table, right?”

“Mom would rather we are.” Abigail pipes up. “She’s usually really busy doing work on her phone.”

“Well guess what, she’s not here, so talk away.”

Brittany isn’t surprised that she’s still met with utter silence, but she rolls her eyes a little. It’s clear that these kids have no idea how to just be kids and she thinks of The Sound of Music again. Maybe she does need to learn how to saw so she can make them play clothes out of the curtains, bring them to Central Park and let them run around and scream. It seems like it would do each of them good, probably Tyler, especially, since he seems to need to get into mischief to actually express himself.

After dinner is done, all three kids go to their rooms. Brittany is pretty sure that she hears Valerie’s door slam, but she can’t be sure. Figuring this is just what they do, Brittany goes into the kitchen to try and get some dirt out of Kurt. She could see a gleam in his eye when she met him earlier in the day and she just knows he’ll be willing to spill some gossip.

“So, what’s the deal Kurt? Tell me all about these people.”

“Miss Pierce—”

“Okay, let’s just put an end to that right now. Brittany, okay?”

“Brittany. Fine. But seriously, you’ve been here like three hours and you already want me to gossip?”

“I know you live for it.” Brittany laughs a little. “So, tell me everything there is to know about Ms. Lopez.”

“You got me.” Kurt rolls his eyes at himself. “Thank God I finally have someone to talk to, I wait all month for my butler’s association meetings to just gab about everything.”

“I knew it! So, what’s her deal?”

“She’s trying to be this big-time producer, she’s like, insanely jealous of Lin Manuel Miranda, you can’t even bring him up around her, she’ll go absolutely apeshit.”

“But Ms. Berry—”

“Yeah, she does it all the time, I think she thinks it motivates her, which, honestly, it probably does. But basically, they’re always having these investors fall through every time they think they’re going to have this big hit. They passed on Dear Evan Hansen, so, there’s that.”

“And Ms. Berry? Are they like…together?”

“Oh my God, disgusting.” Kurt feigns a gag. “But actually, Ms. Berry wishes. She follows Ms. Lopez around like a little puppy dog and is basically ready to throw herself in her arms at any given second. It’s so gross to watch, but it’s like a car wreck, I can’t look away.”

“And what about the kids’ dad?”

“Mama, actually. Do you have like no gaydar? I could sense you were one of us from a mile away.”

“Hey…I’m bi.” Brittany crosses her arms over her chest.

“Still one of us. And she died two years ago, she was hit by a car and it destroyed Ms. Lopez. Miss Abigail was only three, she doesn’t remember her at all and Mr. Tyler was four so he has a few memories. Miss Valerie is still angry.”

“I can see that. She has barely said two words to me.”

“She doesn’t want to get attached, you don’t even know how many nannies we’ve gone through around here.”

“So why did Ms. Lopez decide to hire me anyway?”

“Desperation?” Kurt chuckles. “And also, I may have planted the seed in her head.”

“Why?”

“Because you looked like a kicked puppy when you showed up here. So now that I’ve told you about her, what’s your deal.”

“I mean, I got dumped and fired on the same day…by the same person, so that’s pretty much how I ended up here. The only thing I know about kids is from hanging out with my little cousins, my mom is desperate for me to get married, that’s about it.”

“Hmm.” Kurt looks off into the distance and Brittany furrows her brow.

“What?”

“Huh? No, nothing, I was just thinking about something.”

“C’mon, you have to tell me!”

“You’ll find out in due time, I just know it.”

[onestowatch]

Oston Pens Her Coming-of-Age Story on ‘Am I Talking Too Much? [Q&A]

Photos: Dolly Ave at Lollapalooza

Rising star OSTON is no longer sitting at the kids' table. In her new EP, Am I Talking Too Much?, the singer-songwriter puts her fears, frustrations, and deepest thoughts on display. It’s a victorious display of emotion sonically paired with massive pop moments, an ethereal interlude, impressively sharp lyricism, and so much more.

Am I Talking Too Much?, which has been in the works since 2019, has forged a path through a time of tough life lessons, self-realization, and most importantly confidence. The project navigates topics such as the pressures of growing up and the universal fear of falling in love in just eight poignant tracks. Overall, the EP tells OSTON’s coming-of-age story, learning when to not take things seriously and gaining the ability to spot those who underestimate her tenacity.

We had the chance to chat with OSTON about the making of the EP, what it means to her, and an exclusive track-by-track breakdown.

Tell us about what’s different this time around, versus making your debut EP, Sitting at the Kids Table?

Am I Talking Too Much? feels astronomically different from my debut EP in so many ways. When we were making my first project, Sitting at the Kids Table, I was really focused on creating a project and getting it out into the world rather quickly. The songs were written and produced with a very fast turnaround, and because I was so new to the industry, I was more than okay with that.

After that project came out, I started really digging into my artistry. Since Am I Talking Too Much? was written over the course of two-and-a-half-ish years, I got to choose exactly which songs I felt described this second chapter of my musical life. I went through some huge life changes while writing this EP, and I think that’s very apparent in the story arch of this project.

Taking “last time pt. II” into consideration, do you feel Am I Talking Too Much? is a continuation of the topics explored in Sitting at the Kids Table or does it exist in your head as a separate entity entirely?

This EP feels like an entirely new chapter of my life, just as I hope the next generation of music I put out can serve as something completely new. This project follows me on a journey of moving away from home, shedding toxic relationships and old layers that used to hold me back, and learning not to define myself by how others view me (or at least trying not to). Other than the name “last time pt. ii,” the two songs live as their own entities, and I’m really excited for listeners to discover that.

You have some special collaborators who worked on the EP, can you tell us about your creative journey with everyone who helped this project come to life?

I was lucky enough to get to work with some of my closest friends and collaborators on this project, which is part of the reason it’s so special to me. My boyfriend, Drew, executive produced the whole project (with me staring over his shoulder the whole time). Our great friend, Nydge, came in on two of the songs (“Am I Talking Too Much?” and “Sour”) to help spice up the direction a bit. I also co-wrote a few of the songs with my friends JORDY, lixa, and Mr. Popular—who all helped bring the crazy stories inside my head to life.

What are some of your goals for 2021, if any? Or are you just taking things day by day?

2021 has been an absolutely crazy year for me so far, and I’m lucky enough to say that I’ve already reached a lot of the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year. For starters, finishing up and releasing this EP has been an enormous box on my to-do list, so finally having it out in the world is a huge accomplishment in itself.

Last weekend, I experienced a crazy, unexpected run of shows – I opened for Omar Apollo at the Metro in Chicago for a Lollapalooza aftershow, and then stepped into the official lineup of Lollapalooza on Friday at the Lake Shore Stage. I hadn’t even imagined playing my first music festival for another year or two! Another bucket list goal of mine has been to go on a support tour with another artist, and I’ll be joining my great friend JORDY on his “Mind Games” tour in the fall!

What do you want listeners to take away from listening to Am I Talking Too Much?

If you listen to this EP and take anything with you, I hope it’s the understanding that there is always room to make mistakes, and nobody ever gets everything right the first time around. We all live through our own tragedies, and that’s what makes us the badass people that we are.

Would you mind breaking down each track on the project for us?

“Am I Talking Too Much?”

This was actually the first song we wrote for this project. At the time, I was thinking it would just be a single, but I could never get over the idea of a whole body of work called “Am I Talking Too Much?.” It just felt so fitting with who I am as a person.

The concept came from a date where I was talking with this guy, and he turned to me and said, “Wow, you sure talk a lot don’t you?” I walked away reflecting on how talking “too much” and overthinking are such big characteristics of mine. But, it’s also a part of what makes me who I am, and I realized that maybe the people who love and accept me for that are the people I really want in my life anyways.

“Hypocrite!”

“Hypocrite!” was such a fun and quick one to write that came from one day in the studio with the amazing writer/producer Mr. Popular. We started talking and joking about the stereotypical “shitty ex” that gaslights you and tries to make you think that everything they do is somehow your fault. It was particularly fun and therapeutic for me because I got to pull from multiple different relationships throughout my life to create this one sort of evil, hypocritical character as the star of the song.

“I Think You Should Leave”

Man, I love this song. It’s such a fun one! I’ve never really let myself get as pop as I did with this one. Drew and I really just aimed to have a fun time writing this one and wanted it to be as out-there as it could. I’d call this the “party anthem” of the project, telling off all the haters and mansplainers. This is the song that gets the most hate on social media, and it’s quite funny to me that the main group of people getting angry online are exactly the demographic we wrote it about.

“Lie About You”

“Lie About You” was the last song written for this project. In all reality, the song was never supposed to see the light of day. After I got the demo back, I actually really hated the song and it felt way too personal and on-the-nose with what I was going through to ever release.

I don’t know what willed me to throw the demo up on TikTok (maybe it was the fact I was visiting home, drinking wine, and feeling sappy as per usual) but the next morning I woke up to a viral video and thousands of people asking me to release the song for real. That same day I was supposed to announce “I Think You Should Leave,” but my management called me and was like “Dude, we’ve gotta finish this one and put it out like, tomorrow.” and that’s exactly what we did!

“Hurt Like___”

“Hurt Like___” came at a time when I wanted to write something really sad and emotional, even though that wasn’t how I was actually feeling in the moment. I decided to write this alternate ending for my relationship with Drew—one where I had let my fear of things going wrong take over. I wrote the story of our breakup and how I thought I would’ve felt if we ended things when I moved to LA, instead of continuing to date long-distance and then eventually move in together. I’ve actually never written a song from this point of view before, so it was pretty challenging, but so worth it.

“How To Feel Human”

JORDY, Drew and I wrote this on a little trip to Drew’s old Chicago studio in the middle of the pandemic. We all had a little pink wine (this was also the same week that we wrote “Tomorrow” for JORDY’s project, so clearly we were feeling pretty sappy) and we started reminiscing about how easy things used to be when we were younger and living at home with our parents – even though it didn’t always seem like it back then.

We realized that as you get older and move away from your upbringing, the idea of “home” starts to become less and less clear. You start to find “home” in the places you move to and the people you surround yourself with, and the childhood memories of “home” sort of start to fade into the distance. It’s a pretty somber topic, but when you surround yourself with the right people, it makes growing up a whole lot easier.

“last time pt. II”

All I’ll say about this one is that Drew and I wrote it before our very first date. It was kind of our way of saying goodbye to the people in our lives that were holding us back, and realizing what we had sitting right in front of us. This song makes me wanna cry every time I hear it.

“Sour”

Sour is my unapologetically-honest diary entry to myself. Funny enough, this record actually started out in a completely hyper-pop direction with massive synths and drums, but I couldn’t get any of the lyrics or melodies to make sense. When we went back in and stripped it down to just piano vocals, this whole story started flowing out of me. I started asking myself why I treat myself the way that I do, and similarly, why society encourages us to be so critical of ourselves and one another.

I wanted to pay tribute in this song to one of my biggest musical inspirations, which is the Melodrama album by Lorde and Jack Antonoff. The outro bit of the song deviates away from the piano/vocal vibe and shifts into a very musical, ethereal space. This is where the project starts to culminate and become blurry—I wanted this bit to feel like a conclusion to the chaos of the seven songs that came before it.

Ending the song with the words “but I gotta go” felt like the best parting gift as I left to start another chapter of my musical life.

[romansrace]

Season 13 Sassy Reviews: Episode 03 ‘Phenomenon’

FINALLY it feels like this season has started. I don’t know if this is American psyche coming through - or white twink fandom energy - sorry bout it - but what were the producers THINKING sorting the dolls into losers and winners and expecting the broader LGBTQ fandom to root for the winners while they crowed and rubbed it in the losers’ faces?? If we ever needed proof that the franchise was losing touch with creating queer content for queer people...

Anyway, onto the review!

So once again arbitrarily despite the ‘drama’ of the first episode, episode 3 gives us...exactly the same setup as season 12 minus the depression porn and literal onscreen-created catfighting of psychologically tormenting the queens. Once again for this episode - for now the fourth time - we have a double runway mini-challenge and then a song-choreo-personal verse maxi challenge. (It was enjoyable as hell, but part of me also missed the water tank - cmon S14!)

Thankfully there was much less to be critical about this time because all 6 (broadly) of these girls were immediately much more likeable this time by bonding over their shared trauma (a queer staple, of course) rather than immediately launching into bigging themselves up and turning on who they perceived to be an outsider and a loser.

Crucially, the exact opposite happened given that this group of mainly young queens also had a ready-made outsider ready to go in the shape of the much older Tamisha Iman, who not only has at least 15 years on any of the others, but also has biological children, suggesting she may be bisexual - something which would have drawn the queens’ ire in earlier seasons. But instead, Tamisha was treated throughout with respect and admiration, which for this viewer, was incredibly affirming & raised my respect for both Tamisha and everyone involved. (Also Tamisha’s talking heads are life-giving!)

Runway categories for the mini were ‘Lady’ and ‘Vamp’ - but the looks weren’t too different to the Day & Night looks E02 brought, so it might have been the same prompt for both sets. For me Tamisha easily won the first category - not since Chad, I think, have I seen an older queen really lean into her age and play a convincing MILF archetype on the runway, with Rosé taking the top placement for the second. On average, I would give the mini win to Rosé as her first look was also easily in the top half. No-one’s looks were bad though, and although Joey Jay came in for criticism for having the same hair in both looks... sorry, but I don’t see anyone coming for Michelle for having wavy black hair for the best part of 18 seasons, or Ru for rarely vying away from an oversized blonde or brightly-coloured big Dolly backcomb. Sort your own house first.

On to the maxi challenge, and once again the standard was extremely high generally, although Kahmora Hall was a glaring level below the others. I lived for Tamisha’s side-eye through the choreo arguments on the runway, finally stepping in Phoebe Buffay-style to take each of the children by the ear and make them see sense rather than wasting all the time talking over each other.

Throughout the episode, Kahmora did seem to be struggling. Her looks were decent on the runway for the mini and maxi, but she struggled with time management, and although having a performance challenge come early in the season probably didn’t play in her wheelhouse, the former issue would have hampered her no matter what kind of challenge came up. Suffice it to say, I’m heavily revising my pre-show prediction that she’d make it to 5th now that I’ve seen her in action.

The performance, when we got to it, easily blew the E02 girls out of the water, in my opinion the confidence some of the girls exuded would have made it worthy of an All Stars performance, and in this case, having three choreographers out of the 6 queens certainly didn’t hurt! Most of the queens absolutely killed the group choreo, individual choreo, and their verses, with particular standouts for me being Denali (who was given a top 2 placement ultimately) and Joey Jay (who wasn’t). The other top 2 went to Rosé, who admittedly was absolutely electrifying on stage during the maxi performance, but strangely seemed to drop the ball with the main challenge runway and later, with her top 2 performance.

Rosé is at this point the most interesting of the queens to me, but not in the way I imagined pre-season she might be. What’s exceptionally striking to me is that, like her sister Jan in the season before her, Rosé came into this competition claiming to be an all-rounder queen with broad competence and a specialisation in professional-standard performance skills. That profile is very much what the challenges and her treatment - and her plotted story arc - unlike for Jan, when she was pigeonholed into ‘the singer’ and nothing else, are being tailored to. But it’s not what she’s giving us.

Rosé decided to give for this main challenge runway, despite her already-stated skillset, the financial resources and general professonalism we know she has, and a reputation for being polished and reliable, an extremely strange, crafty - yes, I’ll say it - homemade-looking pink and blue plastic-esque runway with odd sleeves not a million miles from something Baga Chipz would barely escape a low placement wearing on the Drag Race UK runway. That also made her look significantly bigger than she is, with no indication that was deliberate.

And when it came to her top 2 lipsync... she gave us a comedy performance! Despite just showing us in the main challenge she can be absolutely riveting giving a professional dance and face display as you’d expect from any seasoned club and live performer. Similarly, she fumbled in her E01 lipsync against Olivia Lux. It’s a tactic that confuses me when obviously she is capable of bringing it and killing the challenge enough to land top 2 even after a very subpar runway element.

This win though went convincingly to Denali, who killed the main challenge with a catchy verse and the best performance of the night incorporating acrobatics, several high kicks and a jump split while not missing a word of her verse. She nailed down the win with a truly epic lipsync bringing several difference dance specialisms and once again a word-perfect lipsync while serving Tatianna-worthy face, face, face the whole way through. She’s still my top 2 with Tamisha out of all the girls.

So next week will be finally bringing all the queens together. My prediction for the queen to go - if we FINALLY have one, after 3 weeks! - is now leaning towards Kahmora Hall. This challenge performance didn’t leave me thinking she’d be able to beat almost any of the others in a lipsync, especially now we’ve seen them all lipsync once and perform a dance routine twice. The weakest dancers left all come from, in my opinion, the first group, but I also think all of Kandy, Tina and Gottmik will be producer faves who are ringfenced towards the latter half of the competition. The only question that remains to me is whether Rosé will join them, as I predicted pre-season, or whether she’ll be Janned off in favour of e.g. Denali.

At this stage, I quite hope so!

[phantomphangphucker]

Ectober Day 12: Betray - Sinners Are We Chap.4: The Golden Princess

Little Dove takes her first steps in walking beside mortals and a lot of people plot, particularly Orrin.

Leaving the Keep had been hardly difficult to do for Orrin, Dove hadn’t seemed to even understand what was going on. She also didn’t seem to mind the quaint brick house in one of the more deserted areas. Really it just seemed she wanted her plushie. Children. Though he certainly wasn’t like this in the slightest.

Setting up a proper food supply and figuring out how to get Dove some form of a social circle were the next tasks on the list. The first was pathetically easy, but he supposes it should be. If it was too difficult for the living to get food they died. As for the second, his only experience with socialising like a mortal was talking to passerby’s, speaking in lines, and the occasional concert. Those were not really well suited for a child. He does remember mother and father complaining about ‘school’ but sending her off to some building with other children on her own was actively asking to get found out. Very actively. That was precisely the risky move he’d expect out of brother, which of course means it would not be expected out of him. Which means that if this whole idea of his got sniffed out by mother and father then they would laugh at him doing something so far out of his expected behaviours. Which could save him from a more genuine shit-kicking. He rather didn’t feel like being holed up in bed for a week with all his bones broken and skinned. Besides, he could do that ‘volunteering’ thing to keep an eye on her.

-

Dove has very little clue what’s going on but the walls texture feels really cool and the eating stuff bro brings is weird and smelly, but shiny red and very round. Shiny is nice and It fits nicely in her hands, though it’s so squishy. She can tell it would take so little to smush it up.

Her hands also look weird, not like they usually did when they weren’t glowy. Bro looks weird too, so it must be alright. Oh, and her nails were pink, which is exactly why she licks them a little. Maybe they would taste different too. They don’t. But that’s okay.

Looking to bro and moving over when he makes that hand motion that means he wants her. Curious and hopeful. Maybe they were doing something fun again. She wouldn’t mind that. “Now listen close Dove, we’re around mortals. Yes the living kind. So it is rather imperative that you refrain from using your abilities. Understand?”. She tilts her head and hums, not sure what some of those words mean. But it sounds important and she wouldn’t want to make bro sad. So she nods a little.

Bro frowns slightly, Dove doesn’t really notice. “You didn’t understand what I just said, did you”, and sighs when she shakes her head a little. “No floating or anything. The living can’t do that and we’re pretending to be on of them”. Oh, they were playing pretend? That could be nice. So she nods softly. “You’ll even get to meet other girls your age”. Now that makes her curious. Maybe they were pretty and liked fluffy things. She liked fluffy things. And small things. And big things. And sharp things. She liked a lot of things. Littler bro liked dark things and smooth things. Bigger bro liked loud things that made messes. Pa liked funny things and surprising things. Ma liked metal that made things fly really fast.

So she nods again and happily walks after bro as they leave the small house place.

-

Orrin finds the volunteering to be rather lacklustre, but it serves his purpose. Watching Dove run around and play with the plastic animal things. At least children didn’t give a damn that she never spoke, even if one of the other ‘volunteers’ was certainly giving him an odd look over that. “She’s not much of a talker”, was all the explanation he had given, as if he even needed to explain in the first place. All in all, this ‘school’ thing seemed like it might just work out.

In fact, it might work out better than he could have foreseen. One of the other children’s mothers was part of one of those underground resistances. He personally liked to keep tabs on such things. If his parents ever got genuinely mad at him then he could simply nonchalantly expose one of the resistances to get back into their ‘good books’ again. But here and now he had a much better use for them. A much more interesting one to say the least. After all, he’s already encountered a few of its members and had a few choice conversations with them. He was likely already on their list as a ‘potential ally’ or even ‘potential member’. Resistances were always so eager to snag up new members. He can appreciate the tenacity. Even if most of them will likely die painful deaths sooner rather than later.

-

Dove likes the small lady, Remi, who likes birds the best, and she liked Dove’s name. Or the name bro said was her name, Robin. It wasn’t hers but it was a nice name and much easier than her bro’s. Bro also seems to like Remi, with how he was looking at her with a small grin and wrinkled eyes. That does make her a little cautious though, people usually got hurt when bro looked at them like that. Or he was just planning to scare them a little. Scaring was funny, but the other she doesn’t really like. The reds and greens were pretty and sweet; but the person was always gone after that. That’s the part she didn’t like. People were pretty and they couldn’t be pretty if they were gone. She hopes Ori doesn’t make Remi go.

So when the adult lady says it’s time to go, Dove goes over and pushes his face to stop smiling and turns his head to look away. That just makes him smile in the wide mean way, which she huffs and puffs her cheeks out over. Least he wasn’t looking at Remi that way. But it looks like he might know Remi’s ma, so maybe that’s why he was smiling. How sweet.

She pays more attention to making sure Remi’s hair scrunchie things are on the most perfectly than the two talking.

“I didn’t know you had a daughter, Lark”.

“What can I say, I’m a surprising guy”.

“What’s her name? Remi seems to like her. She seems... really gentle”, laughing a little, “Remi’s not so gentle”.

“Robin. And she’s always been like that, has quite the delicate touch I dare say”.

The lady laughs a little again, “does everyone in your family have bird-related names”.

“I have a sister named Raven. So you could say it’s a running theme”.

“Why am I not surprised. Anyway-”. The conversation got real quiet after that, not that Dove couldn’t easily hear. Even pa pointed out how much better halfa and ghost hearing was than mortal. And all these people were for sure mortal, smelled it. Which was cool and they were so soft and squishy. She thinks she likes these ones even more than the ones at home. “-interested in a play date of sorts”. Dove likes that idea, she likes playing, but the hair thingies still need her attention; sticking her tongue out a little.

“Oh? And where would be the location we would be gracing”. Glancing at bro shows he’s doing that smiling again. She doesn’t know what’s going on but whatever it is bro likes it. And she likes that he likes things, so long as those things don’t have to go goodbye. That makes her kind of... sad.

“No where special”. Even Dove knows that tone means it is somewhere special. Sweet, she likes special things. She knows bro does too, because special things are usually secret things and he loves finding secret things and having secret things. Just like them being here was supposed to be a secret thing. No ma and pa allowed.

“Well I certainly couldn’t turn down an offer like that, now could I”. Dove hums happily as she gets the hair things just right. Wiggling her fingers over them like she sprinkling sparkles, before pushing her gently over to her ma. Because look how pretty she is? She is very pretty.

The lady looks from bro to them, “my, Remi I don’t think I’ve seen your hair ever look so perfect”, and smiles. Dove and Remi smiling right back. Bro is just giving her that weird look that he sometimes does. The one that makes her think that he thinks that she’s weird. Like when she keeps her dollies from getting hurt or puts sprinkles on her food. Bro just doesn’t get it she thinks. Food tastes better when it’s pretty and her dollies might get sad if she didn’t save them.

“Yes it’s very... well done”. The lady looks at him like he’s the weird one so he shrugs, “I’m not the most versed in little girl things”.

The lady points at him, “that’s it, you’re definitely coming for a play date one way or another”.

Bro just raises an eyebrow, “I have already agreed you know”. Which the lady chuckles over. Pa would like her, she laughs a lot.

The lady looks to Remi, “would you like that sweetie? Having Robin here come over to play?”. Remi quickly nods and wraps her arms around Dove. Which Dove decides she really really likes. “Uh-huh uh-huh! Can she please!”. Dove’s never heard that word before. “Then I can put pretty things in her hair!”. Dove likes that idea very much and nods softly to show it.

The lady looks to bro, whispering, “look, their hugging. Or Remi’s hugging anyway”, before nodding at Remi, “of course sweetie”. Which Remi cheers over and squeezes her tighter.

Hugging. That’s what this is called? She likes it very much. She tries doing it back, no squeezing though; she wouldn’t want to break her. And grins, she likes hugging a lot.

-

Orrin hadn’t intended for this to make her even more gentle and soft, that or she was incredibly aware how breakable the living were. Why you could pick them up and they’d just snap in half. She really seems to enjoy the hugging thing though. Having hugged him repeatedly since. That was making Rio suspicious though, her glancing to him after they walk through a door in a tree and let the two girls run off, or in Dove’s cautiously prance would be a better word choice. “She seems to really like hugs. Excuse my rudeness but it didn’t seem like she knew what a hug was until just now”.

Orrin has two options presented before him right now. He could choose some level of honesty and claim that her father wasn’t exactly good and he only recently got her. Or he could just brush it off as her being unusual. But there rises the issue of the living being perceptive to that which is unlike them. While if he uses the first one then he will seem like a ‘sympathetic character’ which may prove more useful in the long run. Actions decided he sighs to make this seem more genuine, “family isn’t the kindest, let’s put it that way. She’s only with me here recently. Today actually”.

Rio’s eyebrows raise and he gets that sad smile he was aiming for, “oh I see”, then she actually looks a bit mad, “wait. So you didn’t even hug her when she showed up?”, and promptly slaps him. Which he seriously has to restrain from ripping her eyes out for.

And he does effectively keep the snarl out of his voice, the venom? not so much, “I’m not a hugger”.

“She’s a child”.

Orrin has never really appreciated Dove’s nativity before now as she runs over and basically halts the conversation. Her having a great many bow clips in her blonde -thanks to his glamour- hair. Is this really what regular little girls liked? Apparently yes, based on her bouncing on her toes faintly. At least she wasn’t trying to float.

Rio still throws him a glare as they take the girls to the ‘play den’ area. Meaning it was time to get down to business.

-

A few weeks go by, and it was becoming incredibly easy to tell who in this city knew about this particular resistance movement. Because suddenly he was some to be respected, which he can’t say he didn’t enjoy. To be treated like an important figure without that lingering fear in their eyes was certainly a new experience for Orrin. Does he prefer it? Not particularly. But he was a Gray-Phantom after all. Him not preferring fear and destruction would be strange. It was still interesting all the same. And it’s not like the group's plan and leadership was all that bad, it seemed better than most at least. Of course they had precisely zero hope of actually doing away with his family, but hey, the genuine effort was amusing. They weren’t even intending to bank everything on just one plan or one plan and a back up either. Oh no, they had a handful they wanted to enacted simultaneously. Which wasn’t actually a horrid plan. Mother could be quite narrow-minded and father easily distracted; and his brother of course was a fool. One of their plans even involved trying to blow up the Ghost Realm, and the bomb designs, that he invisibly sneaked a peek at, would actually be somewhat effective. Impressive actually. Russet would get a real kick out of it. But the group was banking a little too much on his father actually highly valuing his role as High Ghost King. Thinking he would defend the Ghost Realm just like that. His parents didn’t get their positions because they genuinely wanted them. No. They took them purely because they could. It also making them, especially father, stronger was a nice added bonus.

The rest of their plans were far less extreme and ranged from everything from: kidnapping the princess, which he had to resists murdering the lot of them for seriously suggesting, to reconstructing an ancient method of ghost mind control, not realising that that wouldn’t actually work on the high royal family. There had also been talks about turning the mortal knights that served his family, even claimed they already had turned one. But one look at him and it was obvious that was a load of crap and the guy was absolutely going to betray them. Which didn’t work so well for Orrin’s plans, which meant the knight had been promptly fed to a pack of wild bores. Then there was the plot to mind control the entire species of Drugandons and use them as an army to lay siege to the Keep. The sheer amount of chaos that would cause had him practically salivating. Oh yes, these mortals were fun.

Of course none of their plots would actually work on their own or even together. But it did have the highest possibility of any resistance group he’s encountered. And if they did go ahead like this, then plenty of ghosts would jump on board in a heartbeat. Which meant the chances of Russet getting himself destroyed would be incredibly high. And if Orrin himself were to back them, then it would be almost possible that his parents could genuinely maybe be taken out. Which would, of course, leave the throne to him.

Now he’s not particularly the power-hungry type. He doesn’t really give a damn about being High King. But it could be quite interesting. And if this group tried all this, managed to kill his elder brother, then his parents would rain-down absolute Hell. It would be nothing compared to the massacres of previous years or even their debut as monsters. It would be a sight to behold. Glorious even.

Orrin thinks he would rather like to see that. But he also knows exactly how that would go, which did take some of the fun out of it. Meanwhile, Dove becoming a figurehead for resistance was unprecedented. He could hardly predict the ways that could turn out. And Dove certainly enjoyed Remi’s company. Which was a bonus.

Another bonus was picking up on brother dearests ghostly aura a day back and successfully keeping both himself and Dove out of Russet’s awareness. Tricking that man was always a true pleasure. Regardless of how easy it generally was to do.

One thing he hadn’t accounted for though, was human stupidity.

But really? He shouldn’t have been surprised that things went to shit pretty rapidly. Gray-Phantom’s had horrid luck after all.

[artificialqueens]

A Road to Somewhere, Chapter 3 (Adore Delaska) - Puppy

Chapter Summary: Adore meets up with the infamous Grand Witch and finally gets that job! But at what costs?

A/N: Happy belated Halloween and Samhain to all who celebrate. It’s Halloween when I’m submitting this my time, but it’ll be November when it gets posted. I figured the sentiment was still nice. Anyway, I figured a good thing to ring in the holiday was yet another story of spirits and witches.

This chapter is surprisingly longer than I thought it was going to be, but it was still nice to write. Thanks again to @chaoticnachokitten and @thackeryisatop for beta-ing.

I hope you enjoy.

Chapter 3

TW: emotional abuse.

Adore found herself in a smaller storage room; it was probably a loading dock in the past. She passed by a small sink with a towel on a hanger. It was probably Raja’s whenever they decided to leave their post. Wrapped boxes and jars still had tags on them, and there were a few planks of wood and coils of rope neatly placed nearby. She didn’t have much time to take everything in though; there was somewhere she needed to be sooner than later.

Rio knew what she was doing; she looked like she went through this route for years. “The Grand Witch lives way up at the top, in the back of the house.” She said, beckoning the human to follow her down this path.

Following suit, she was led to an entrance marked by large moving gears. Adore looked up, admiring the mechanisms for a short second. There was a myriad of pulley systems, presumably enchanted as well, that made her severely underestimate how tall and large the bathhouse really was. It seemed endless, but perhaps that was the point. Not everyone could visit a witch who claimed to have such high esteem. Two elevators moved along the wires: two metal cabinets labelled on the outside. She didn’t have too much time to wonder about that, though.

“Get over here! We don’t have all night.”

“Coming!” Adore shook herself out of her state of awe and ran into another elevator where her guide was. It was a smaller wooden lift that didn’t have a door or proper walls, but it was made up for it being surrounded mainly by stone. There wasn’t any risk of her falling out any time soon. The redhead clung to the back wall (more like the back piece of plywood, if she could be more accurate), staring as it went farther up the bathhouse.

“You wanna lose your nose, kid?” She was pulled back by Rio’s forceful grip, and she thus threw her arms around the older spirit. “Hey, what are you doing?!“ Rio questioned.

"Aaaah! Sorry,” Adore answered, backing away from the older woman.

The elevator passed through many floors, and the human couldn’t keep track of what was going on on each one. They all reeked of opulence; this witch practically owned everything. The railings and beams supporting the house were made of cherry red wood with ornate gold carvings. The hardwood floors were barely even noticeable from the amount of workers who were there. She could never really tell how many of them were on said floor since they all blurred together. Some were carrying trays of food, or were they herbal soaks? Maybe some were pushing a dolly of some substance. The world was passing right before her eyes; plus her view was partly obscured by Rio’s body, hiding her from any suspicion.

The lift eventually stopped, letting Rio and Adore off on a higher floor. They faced a hallway of painted floral walls. Empty woven containers rested on yet another wall; they almost looked like birdhouses, but could easily be taken apart to build a nest of sorts. Above the walls, were small golden plates, also painted with flower arrangements. This witch must really like her flowers, Adore pondered as she started skipping on the hardwood. She didn’t have time to take in every little detail; hopefully her new motions would make her go faster. The loudest sounds the two could hear were their own footsteps. “So…” she attempted to start some conversation, “how long have you been here?”

“Hell if I know.” Rio continued, wanting to bash her head into one of those walls. Being part of an escort mission was the last thing she wanted to do today. “And watch your volume. The point of this is not to get discovered, remember?”

The human covered her mouth for a bit as they passed by chefs in dark, cone shaped hats and face masks preparing a kind of banquet. Some ladled soup into small red bowls while others placed cherry tomatoes in black bowls. There were off-handed comments and complaints about how it wasn’t spicy enough or how it was going to get cold before they could serve it. Adore nearly wanted to dive into the buffet for whatever she liked, but she found herself turning the corner and into yet another elevator. Thankfully, they were able to make it in before it closed, and before the woman who exited noticed their presence.

“We’re about halfway there. Just… stay close, y’hear?” The woman with the raccoon-like eyes pulled down a lever and up they went.

“Uh… party.” She smiled awkwardly and retreated to the back of the lift. This elevator was a little different as one part of the back wall wasn’t solid stone. It acted as a window to another part of the house. It looked like a series of tubs with guests destressing in its waters, but she couldn’t make out many details. Her vision was shrouded with a blanket of steam. Before she could take in anything more, the elevator stopped on another floor. The two of them were not as lucky this time.

A rather large patron was standing in front of them. From further inspection, he seemed furry with two large tusk-like appendages dangling from his face.The only articles of clothing that it wore were a large red bowl for a hat and an equally red loincloth on his torso. He looked at the worker and the invasive human pensively. Rio’s face grimaced at the sight of another spirit who desired to use the lift.

“Welcome…” Rio gasped and forced a toothy smile on her face as Adore slinked behind her. “What can I do for you?” The radish spirit didn’t really respond; he grumbled as he slowly pointed a finger upwards. “I’m sorry, sir. This elevator is out of service. Can’t go any higher. Have to take another one.” She maintained that smile as she walked out of the elevator. As soon she couldn’t see the spirit, her smile dropped. “Glad that’s taken care of,” she whispered when she was out of earshot. As they continued on, Adore swore she heard footsteps, but didn’t want to say anything just yet.

The two made their way onto an arched bridge, and it was then the redhead was starstruck by the interior of the bathhouse. The floral patterning was not confined to that one hallway, as it seemed to decorate many other parts of that floor.  She looked down, getting a better glimpse of what she saw on the elevator ride. There definitely was a series of tubs, and she could make out some of the figures on that bottom floor.

The ducks from earlier fit in one of the larger tubs, but there were more than she had seen before. Did they multiply like gremlins? Never mind that; there were more interesting sights than large ducks overflowing a pool. A worker in a blue kimono gave an antlered spirit a massage, while two others were filing some oblong entity’s nails. They massaged and pampered these creatures to their heart’s content.

As soon as the two stepped off the bridge, the two women turned a corner. Adore looked back, the radish spirit leering back at them from where they just left. “Rio, I think he’s following us…” She whispered, pulling at Rio’s free arm.

“Quit gawking. It’s rude.”

The human quickly whipped her head back forward and sooner than later they found themselves in front of an elevator. Rio pressed the button as Adore squished herself between the corner and the spirit in front of her. The radish spirit finally caught up to them, staring at the door in earnest; his undulating chest directly in Rio’s line of sight. Anyone around him could hear his breathing. She closed her eyes and turned her head the other way. Unfortunately, she didn’t have much time to rest. The elevator doors opened, but it wasn’t full, much to her surprise.

Three monsters in fluffy white bathrobes stepped out of the elevator with a frog-like worker following behind them, escorting them to their rooms. He wore a white and blue version of what Rio was wearing and was about as tall as her too.  The frogman stopped his conversation, sniffing his nose as he turned around looking his coworker dead in the eyes. “Rio!” He barked.

Surprised, and annoyed at being discovered, she pushed Adore into the elevator and plastered that retail smile back on her face. “What is it?” she asked through gritted teeth. The radish spirit followed the young girl into the elevator, clearly not aware of her existence. Or perhaps he was and he refused to say anything about the intruder’s presence.

“What’s that smell?” The frogman sniffed his nose again and widened his eyes, “Aha! A human! You reek of human!” Adore turned her head and sniffed herself; was her odor that strong? Yes, she hadn’t showered since the morning, but not everyone needed to point it out.

“Never would have guessed.” Rio retorted.

“You’re hiding something, aren’t you? Come on! Spill!”

The woman reached into her pocket and pulled out the newt Raja had given her. “Is this what you’re looking for?” She dangled it in front of his face.

The frog’s mouth watered at the sight of it, moaning out of hunger. “Give me that!”

His attempt was thwarted by Rio pulling it out of his grasp. “Well, I was gonna share this with the other girls. But since you asked so nicely…”

“Please? At least a leg! Just a leg will do!”

She kept pulling the newt farther and farther away, sometimes shifting her position to get it out of the man’s grasp. “If you wanna go up,” Rio instructed, “just pull the lever on the right.” Adore gave a thumbs up from her currently cramped state and managed to pull the lever from the ends of her fingertips. The last thing she saw before the doors finally closed was her guide popping the roasted lizard into her mouth, as one final act of spite.

The elevator ride was a little uncomfortable; one could easily cut the awkward tension with a butterknife. Adore took it upon herself to study more of her companion’s appearance. He had curly green hair… or was it leaves. He was called the “radish spirit”, so was he one? Or did he just look like one. Hell, this isn’t the strangest shit I’ve seen today… She pondered as she stopped herself from paying attention to the radish spirit’s dad bod.

The first floor the lift stopped at wasn’t the floor she needed to be. It was mostly empty hallways with pairs of sandals neatly decorating the hardwood. There were many shadows behind a series of patterned changing screens. Was this some sort of sleeping arrangements? Before Adore could think about exploring the place, the radish spirit realized this wasn’t the floor he was looking for, pulling the lever yet again. The human huffed a complaint. On the other hand, there wasn’t any time to explore; she had somewhere important to be.

After the awkward detour, the elevator finally stopped at the first floor. They both stepped out and scanned the area. If the scenery of the bathhouse didn’t stun her enough, then this top floor definitely did. This floor screamed wealth and was even more opulent than the floors she traversed earlier. Instead of the hardwood, the two were standing on some sort of marble with other colored tiles neatly placed in pretty patterns. Surrounding the middle sat large expensive vases accentuated by architecture embossed with more floral patterns. Adore let out a breath she never realized she held as her widened eyes soaked in all of the intricacies. The radish spirit stepped back into the elevator, bowing to her before the doors closed.

She quickly bowed back and was alone yet again. She wearily walked down the hall, her breath loud and her shoulders practically to her ears. The girl nearly flinched as she heard the echoes of her own footsteps. I should have asked Lask before this shit happened… she thought, playing with her sleeves. This needed to be over with soon. How hard could getting a job be? She stopped at a small staircase and looked up.

Two bright red doors stood before her underneath a bird-like crest embossed with the symbol she saw earlier that day. There was something off about the right door, though. As she approached that door, she took careful watch of the knocker. It was engraved with the face of a woman, but not just any woman. She seemed to be the bird woman who patrolled when she first met Lask. Come to think of it, the crest looked vaguely familiar too, but that had to be a coincidence. Adore grabbed the handle and started to pull, but she was quickly stopped by an unseen voice.

“Well, aren’t you going to knock?”

She flinched back as if she had just touched a hot iron.

“Gods, you’re honestly the most pathetic thing I’ve seen all day!” The voice continued. She sounded mature for her age. Was that the Grand Witch she had been looking for? After insulting the human, whoever was speaking must have made a decision to pity her. The door opened by itself, revealing more doors that opened in sync. The hallway that stood before Adore was fascinating. There was a small chandelier in every little intersection, like every hallway in front of her had been Xeroxed multiple times. “Don’t be shy, you can come in.”

No matter how inviting the woman sounded, the human was still starstruck. She shook and clung to her shirt, but not out of fear. Or at least that was what Adore wanted to believe. She was thirteen; she shouldn’t be afraid of things anymore, or at least things as silly as a jumpscare.

“I said, come IN.” Adore felt something slowly tugging at the front of her shirt. She pulled back, but she stopped for a bit. The tugging quickly came back, grabbing at the collar and yanking her down the hallway at an impeccable speed, about the same speed when she tripped on the stairs. Doors seemed to close as soon as she entered them, and as soon as there weren’t any more doors, the force sharply turned its subject around the corner. She barely had any time to take in any more intricate patterns. For all she knew, she was floating across a sea of garnet and gold. The invisible grip let her go as soon as she went through a last set of doors, throwing her down and letting her fall face first into the patterned red carpet.

Sitting herself back up, the human caught her breath, tempted to hop on one of the two plush red armchairs that surrounded her. The fireplace crackled, causing Adore to jump a little bit. She looked around the room a little more until she caught the gaze of a woman working at her desk.  If she was the Grand Witch Visage, she wasn’t like anything the girl was expecting. The woman was a lot younger than she first expected, but not too young. She seemed practically old enough to be her mother… or at least a mother. She had well-defined cheekbones and a sharp chin. Her dark hair was up in a tight bun, while the top of her chest practically spilled out of her dress as she was working on some sort of paperwork. Her bony fingers picked up the pen and continued her writing. “Oh good, you didn’t break anything,” she barely noticed the human in front of her. Then again, the room always had a thin layer of smoke surrounding everything. “That’s more than I expected from you.”

The human brushed off her shorts and cautiously approached the woman. “Hey…umm… Please give me a job.” The witch simply stared at her for a split second, then returned to her work. With every movement of the pen, she felt something strange. Adore attempted to speak again, but as soon as she took a breath, her mouth was slowly closing, like some invisible seamstress sewed her lips together. Upon that realization, she quickly panicked, trying to force her mouth back open with as much force her fingers could allow, but it was merely in vain. Brute strength was nothing against a witch’s spell.

“There… much better,” Michelle smirked, continuing her work and avoiding eye contact with the shaken human. “You open your mouth for one second and you’ve already said too much. Especially with that request of yours. Get you a job… This isn’t the place for a human. This is a bathhouse, where eight million spirits can rest their bones.” She placed a small bag of gold in a coin box with her free hand as she continued her rant. The witch stopped for a moment and set her pen down, picking up a long cigarette in its holder instead. She twiddled it around, clinking with the many rings adorning her fingers. She then stopped and stared directly at Adore. “Your mother had some nerve, didn’t she?”

Adore’s brow furrowed; anger started coming to her in a slow boil. If circumstances were normal, she would be throwing a punch towards the woman’s direction, or she’d pull out a knife. However, all she could do was just stand there and take this beatdown.

“Now my customers are hungry and it’s all her fault. It’s a good thing in time that she’ll be next on the menu.” Michelle continued, her voice dripping with venomous honey. “Wait a second,” she lit the cigarette with her fingers and took a drag , blowing some smoke in the human’s general direction. “It’s not entirely her fault… It was yours!” Her jaw would have been on the floor by now. “You could’ve stopped her. You could have even avoided entering this realm… but you didn’t. And now you can’t go home! Now what do you have to say about that?”

As expected, there was only muffled nonsense coming from the human’s mouth. Adore was practically shaking at this point: mostly out of fear and panic. Neither of them could have known that this land was sacred. Logically, it couldn’t be her fault, but why was she believing it? Was that… monster just that persuasive?

“Just as I thought…” She tapped at the holder, a few ashes piled onto the table. “You’d make a good piglet. It fits with that body of yours… or maybe a lump of coal. That way you’ll be useful for once…” The Grand Witch laughed seeing the human’s now frazzled state, blowing another cloud of smoke. “You’re trembling… Actually, I’m impressed you made it this far,” she spoke with a twinge of sincerity, “but I know you couldn’t have done it alone. Someone had to have helped you.” She slowed down her speech slightly as if she was talking down to a child. Then again, for all she knew Adore could have been a young child; Michelle stopped caring about age a long time ago.“All… you have.. to do… is tell me… who… it… was….”

Adore let out a heavy breath when the witch finally broke the enchantment on her lips. She balled her fists. “I just want a job here.”

“Again with this, aren’t you done with th-”

“PLEASE! I JUST WANT A FUCKIN’ JOB, GODDAMMIT!”

“SHUT UP!” This angered the witch further as the pile of paperwork began to flutter around her as she tensed up. Shortly afterwards, she shot herself into the air and knocked her things off the desk. Michelle Visage landed directly in front of Adore, intimidating the teen. She forced her to make eye contact, towering her body over her. “Why should I hire you?! Anybody with half a brain can see that you’re a whiny, foul-mouthed, lazy, spoiled crybaby. And stupid to boot.” Her long nails dug into the girl’s chest with every insult. “There’s nothing here for you. This is a HIGH CLASS business, and I have all the lazy bums I need.” She then moved behind the frightened woman. “Or maybe… you’d like the nastiest job I’ve got, and work

you until you breathe your very last breath. How does that sound?” The witch asked, walking her fingers along Adore’s arm until they reached her neck. As she was about to apply more pressure, the room began to violently shake.

The contents of her desk, plus a candelabra atop the fireplace, crashed onto the carpet. Michelle stopped and stood back as she heard the cries of a child from within the room. Momentarily forgetting about the human nuisance, she rushed to the other side where she was met by splinters from the door nearing her face. “Stop that,” her voice showed genuine concern and passion as she poked her head in through the door hole. “What’s the matter, baby?” She was met with a large foot kicking her face. Chunks of green painted wood ended up in her bun. “It’s okay… Mama’s here…” After attending to her child’s needs, she turned back to the human, her demeanor turning 180 degrees. “What are you still doing? Can’t you tell this is a private moment?”

   “YES, BUT I WANT A JOB. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?” Adore yelled over the various other sounds in the room.

   “Be quiet! You’re scaring the baby!” She turned back towards her child, continuing her baby voice. “Hi, sweetie. She’ll be gone soon enough. Don’t be mad.

   “I’ll leave your office if you give me a job.” She smirked, not moving an inch..

   Michelle sighed, comforting the baby one last time. “It’s okay.. Mommy will be with you in a bit.” As she entered, the contents that had been knocked over slowly floated back to their respective places. Adore waited for the business to be over with, tapping her foot impatiently. She knew she won in this situation. Her mom was gonna be saved soon enough. How bad could this be?

   The witch returned, pulling planks out of her hair as a pen and empty piece of parchment found Adore’s hands. “That’s your contract,” Michelle explained as she returned to her desk, “just sign your name, and I’ll put you to work. And if I hear one little complaint out of you, you’ll be joining your family in the pigpen.”

   She nodded in response and stared at the contract, squinting her eyes to see if there was anything funny about it. If there were any added things about turning her anyway, she was going to be more than disappointed. This girl didn’t care if she was a middle-aged woman, she’d punch the living daylights out of her. “So… I just sign?”

   “Yes,” Michelle responded.

   “Right there?”

   “Yes! Quit wasting time. It’s almost like you don’t want this job with how you’re dilly-dallying…” Upon that remark, Adore kneeled down to find a flat surface to sign. “I can’t believe I took that oath. ‘Give a job to anyone who asks’…” Michelle mocked as she fixed a crooked lampshade and turned on that light. “She should be lucky I’m so nice… Are you done there?” As soon as Adore lifted the pen from the parchment, it flew into Michelle’s hands. “Perfect. So, you’re Adore Delano, yes?”

   She nodded her head.

   “Lovely name for someone like you.” The witch placed a hand over the paper. The human could only gasp as she saw what happened next. Most of the letters from her signature floated from the paper and into Visage’s open fist. She grasped the letters as a smirk stretched across her name. “From now on, your name is Red… You understand that? That’s easy enough to remember, right? You’re Red now. Answer me, Red!”

   The sudden change in tone made Ado- Red jump in her place. “Y-yes ma’am…” For the first time that day, she hesitated. She straightened her posture and held her arms closer together, holding back things she shouldn’t be feeling until a familiar voice made her happier.

   “You called for me?” Lask had entered the witch’s quarters seemingly unnoticed. Red wondered how much of the interaction she had seen.

   “Yes,” the Grand Witch responded, “this child is starting work as of now. Set her up with a job.”

   The other spirit nodded her head, turning to the human with a solemn look on her face. “What’s your name?”

   Red quietly gasped. You know me… why are you acting like a narc, lady? She wanted to say that, but she had her life and humanity on the line. “It’s Ad-” She stopped herself mid-sentence. “Red. It’s Red.”

   A moment of silence broke between the two old friends… or were they ever friends. “Follow me then.” Lask commanded for the newest hire to follow. They kept the silence as they walked down the halls again.

As they entered the elevator, the silence still continued. The human’s puppy dog eyes brightened. They were alone now! Things could get back to how they were. She then broke the eyes “Lask! I am so fuckin’ happy to se-”

“Don’t talk to me unless it’s something important.” Those words lashed at Red. “And address me as Madame Lask.”

Red refused to say anything more as she slumped along one of the lift’s walls. This ride somehow felt longer than all of the other ones.

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #470

Top Ten Films to Watch on Star on Disney+

We’ve been watching a lot of Disney+ lately. This is partly due to the fact that our family movie nights have become, almost accidentally, a quest to watch every bit of Star Wars content on the service; so far, we’ve watched the entire Skywalker Saga and are now moving onto the spin-off movies. The younglings have become addicted: Daughter #1 is getting stuck into The Clone Wars, whilst Daughter #2 is demanding we jump straight into The Mandalorian. As for the Princess to my Scoundrel, well, she and I have been thoroughly enjoying WandaVision, which by the time you read this, will have finished. Sob! Nothing to do but gird our loins until the arrival of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier in a couple of weeks! At least this excellent TV programme appears to have whetted my wife’s appetite for watching more of the MCU movies. Maybe soon I can make oblique references to Mary Poppins, y’all, and someone else in the house will actually know what the hell I’m on about.

Well it looks as if there’s going to be even more use out of our Disney+ sub as the months roll inexorably on, what with their new Star channel. This is where they’ve shoehorned all the mucky films they bought from the naughty boys and girls at Fox; sweary adult dramas, sexy bits, and scenes of explicit wrist-slapping abound. So now we have this toybox of grown-up content to savour! What to watch? What not to watch? I’ve already started at the most obvious place by diving into some vintage Arnie with Commando, one of the funniest action movies ever made. It did not disappoint.

So where to next? Re-watching semi-forgotten classics, films I’ve not seen in literally decades? Or checking out things that slipped me by (there’s an entire list to be made of “films I read about in Empire in the ‘90s, got really excited about, but never saw”). Do I watch the crappier Die Hard films, or cheesy action movies (er, like Commando, I guess)? Or dive deep into prestige fair? Or just watch Spy Hard for the Weird Al theme tune, practically the only bit of the film I remember? The options are virtually endless.

So that’s what this week’s list is: ten films I intend to watch on Disney+ very flipping soon. Or, y’know, just play Zelda until Falcon starts.

9 to 5 (1980): there was a lot of talk of Dolly around the New Year, and my wife and I even watched a documentary about her. As a result, I had a scoot around to see if it was possible to buy 9 to 5 as a birthday or Valentine’s gift for my better half; it’s a film neither of us have seen in years if not decades, and we’re both big Grace and Frankie fans too. Alas, it’s a difficult film to get a hold of; there doesn’t appear to be a Blu-ray readily available. Praise be, then, that it’s now on Disney+; a terrific comedy film, with a nice bit of feminist bite. I’m not sure if it’ll feel dated or – post-#MeToo – oddly prescient. But I’m really, really looking forward to watching it again.

Crimson Tide (1995): I do love a good tense thriller, and I seem to remember this as being a particularly great tense thriller. This feels like one of those “they don’t make ‘em like this anymore” candidates; a claustrophobic two-hander with no real action, almost a theatrical chamber piece, but made with huge stars and a big-time director (the late, great Tony Scott). I saw it once, on video, when it came out, so it’ll be great to revisit.

The Color of Money (1986): another minor classic that I’ve not seen for decades, and a film I remember even less well than Crimson Tide. It’s cool to revisit (or discover for the first time!) films by great directors, and this is Scorsese we’re talking about. Cruise as a freshly-minted movie star, still taking risks; Newman as a great elder statesman. I’ve genuinely no idea what it’s like, it’s been so long, but I’d love to see it again. Just wish The Hustler was on D+ too!

Quiz Show (1994): I’d mentioned before that there are loads of films from the ‘90s that I read about as an eager young film fan but never saw; this is one of them. An apparently-great drama about corruption at a hugely popular TV show in ‘50s America, with Ralph Fiennes in a very early Hollywood role. I think I’d enjoy it.

Looking for Richard (1996): another of those ‘90s films…! This fascinated me as a teen, and I’d love to see it: a documentary about Richard III, made by Al Pacino, featuring people talking about Shakespeare (got a lot of time for that) and also scenes of the play performed and filmed. It’s a real curio; also weirdly came out around the same time as McKellen’s Richard III. Maybe something was in the water? We’re due another big Rich in my opinion.

Jennifer’s Body (2009): a follow-up from Juno writer Diablo Cody, a horror centred around high school and female sexuality, this has always seemed like it might be a dark, delicious delight; it wasn’t very well received at the time, but has grown in cult status; as has its star, Megan Fox, who I’d argue has not had the easiest time within Hollywood. Anyway, I really like the look of it, and it’ll be cool to check it out.

Tombstone (1993): I love a good Western, and I seem to remember that this is a very good Western. A story of Wyatt Earp that goes beyond the famous gunfight, my memories of this are very vague; I know that there’s a very good Val Kilmer performance as Doc Holliday, and of course Kurt Russell as Earp himself. I might try out that “watch along” feature and watch this, remotely, with my dad.

Romancing the Stone (1984): I probably haven’t seen this since the eighties so I’ve got no idea if it’s really any good, but I do remember enjoying its Indy-inspired adventurism and – in particular – Danny DeVito’s bad guy. Douglas is always great value as a leading man, although from what I’ve since read this is really Kathleen Turner’s show. It’ll be interesting to see if it holds up, but hopefully it’ll be a good stop-gap until they finally get the Indy films up on the service.

Good Morning, Vietnam (1988): another film that I want to revisit, even if I remember it a little better than others on this list. My memory is that it’s utterly fantastic, a really stark look at the realities of Vietnam during the time of the war, and also a phenomenal, very human performance from Williams. Also I remember it being very funny when he does let off some steam (sorry, bit of Commando creeping in there). And really, it’s Williams I want to see again; that earnest, real, pained but beautiful Williams we get in his very best performances. It’s very likely I’ll cry just watching him on screen. God, I miss him.

Independence Day: Resurgence (2016): I needed some crappy sequel to talk about, and here it is. I can’t overstate how much I loved the first Independence Day in ’96, so the (apparent; I’ve not seen it) terribleness of this sequel hit me like a sledgehammer. It can’t be that bad, can it? Is it not at least so-bad-it’s-good? I mean, the trailer made it look atrocious, and it’s killed off Will Smith – the best character! – off-screen, so odds are not good that it’s a hidden gem. But I’ve got to know.

This was actually a pretty tough list, and I had to knock off some films that I’d love to rewatch (Conan the Barbarian, The War of the Roses), as well as stuff like Idiocracy and Office Space that I’ve never seen. Also Kingsman: The Secret Service, which is a fairly recent release that slipped me by, and I’m not sure why I’ve never gotten round to seeing; I blame the kids! Also, there was going to be some xenomorph or xeno-monkey action on here, but frustratingly all the Alien (and Predator!) movies are missing, and the recent Planet of the Apes trilogy – which I’ve also never seen! – is only served by its middle instalment. Yeah, I can watch the seminal ‘60s original again (and I may!) or the indecipherable and strange Tim Burton version, but what about, y’know, the trilogy that everyone raves about? I assume this is due to pre-existing deals keeping the films elsewhere (elusive…), but the sagas of Alien, Predator, and the complete Die Hard package are – I believe – being kept until most profitable (mark my works: Die Hard at Christmas). Anyway, it’s a bit frustrating, that, as I’ve never seen Covenant or The Predator, and I’d love to watch the whole lot from the start anyway.

I guess I can console myself by also watching the one Die Hard film I’ve never seen, namely the critically-acclaimed A Good Day to Die Hard. I mean, I’m assuming it’s critically acclaimed. I guess I’ll find out.

[dream-girls-evil]

Ratched: Episode 5 Reactions

Party Planning

The red light stands for DRUGS

Ohh he’s meeting Mildred! On the outside this def looks like a date.

Ooh Mildred changing the game now that she’s got all the leverage.

Poor eclair didn’t deserve that

“This is about the lesbians, isn’t it?” Yes, always.

I almost feel bad for Bucket. Almost.

Oh is she gonna know Mildred put him up to this? Guess not.

Basically throwing herself a promotion party lol but yay a DANCE!!!

Is she planning to have Edmund do something to prove himself insane? Oh yep lol

Omg Mildred no this is too cruel don’t get Bucket’s hopes up 😂😂😂

“You’re a woman again” okay that’s laying it on a little thick

Haha Mildred finally dropping the pretense with Hanover. I love it.

“Trust me” Honestly why tho

Oooh who is this lady? She’s mean but she’s right, the way he’s holding that violin is terrible.

Oh, apparently she’s Ondine Duquette

Or Charlotte Wells? ...I see what’s happening.

Love an inaccurate portrayal of DID (sarcasm)

Mmm does Mildred know Hanover has a thing for her? (I think he does at least, or did) Cuz it’s pretty bold of her to touch his face like that.

Aw she’s on her date with Gwen!

Love how straightforward Gwen is and the communication here!

Oh Gwen was in love with a nurse who was killed in the war? That’s coincidental. And Mildred understands it.

Her companion!!! I’m excited but nervous. People might talk.

Lenore’s Arrival

Lenore and Petunia! They look so out of place here XD poor Louise

“The wallpaper hurts my feelings” I’d be lying if I said I’d never felt that strongly about wallpaper

Can’t believe she just invited Mildred to tea, but this is clearly a woman who’s used to getting what she wants.

Oh nice, she just wants Mildred to take over the job XD unfortunately, I think Mildred has other plans. She needs him, though not indefinitely. She’ll probably kill Hanover anyway once she frees Edmund, tie up loose ends. But there’s no harm in pretending to go along with Lenore’s wishes.

Oooh Lenore just got REAL angry about the money Mildred asked for. Guess they’ll be enemies!

Aw Betsy!!! She’s so nervous and so happy!

Hypnotherapy...this should be interesting

A RED-LETTER DAY FOR BETSY BUCKET

Fffff he’s trying to hypnotize his way out of a date. This is a new one 😂

Aw Dolly. Stop bonding with the bad man. He’s just using you.

HE DOESNT LOVE YOU

Ew I don’t like Mildred being alone with Edmund while he’s naked

Do we really trust him to hurt himself and not, you know, everyone else? Mildred does, apparently. Hope she doesn’t regret it.

Oh Charlotte...

AND THEY MADE HER NOT PRESS CHARGES

If only it really was as easy to get rid of trauma as snapping your fingers

Omg Hanover crying because he helped someone. This guy is so interesting, honestly. He does genuinely want to help people.

OMG LOUISE AND BETSY ARE FRIENDS?! Please tell me they just complain about Mildred all the time.

Okay so Betsy’s a little delusional lmao her retelling of Hanover’s reaction to the gifts is...quite altered

Omg they’re dancing this must have been the most fun scene to shoot on the whole show

“I’ve never seen you look so happy” I ship them

HA I knew they just complained about Mildred together

Lenore is there LENORE IS RIGHT THERE

Ohhh he’s breaking down. Little does he know that Mildred is the one who brought Lenore here.

Ahhh now he’s holed up at the hospital where Mildred is the only one who can reach him.

I think Lenore likes Mildred’s nerve now

The Dance

Mmm why do I feel like Charlotte might end up stealing Edmund’s thunder?

Poor Betsy. Hanover’s off to get drugged up.

Oh, he’s REALLY out of it. Jon Jon Brione is such a great actor.

So much for everyone ignoring Edmund lmao

She’s a PEACH

MMM Betsy’s onto Gwen and Mildred

Aaand Harold is distracted

Omg Dolly looks so pretty!!! Hope Edmund doesn’t kill her

Oh NO they’re planning on running?! I have no idea which plan he’s going to follow. I’m so nervous.

Oh their little clandestine handhold I cri

Betsy you are getting ahead of yourself a little

Omg causing a scene nooo

NOOO BETSY

Damn Hanover came outta nowhere with the rage

And now Gwen and Mildred have left to comfort her and NO ONE IS WATCHING EDMUND

Mildred’s sense of empathy really does strike at the oddest times and in the oddest ways.

Okay Edmund didn’t try anything while they were gone but this is definitely not going to go according to Mildred’s plan.

Noooo Harold!!! No one even got to tell you they’re lesbians 😔

FUCK GWEN NO

Duuude Dolly is excited by this. And I legit can’t tell if Edmund is playing at being freaked out by Gwen or it’s genuine.

Thoughts and Theories

Well, that was a packed episode! I really do feel bad for Betsy Bucket lol, she may hate Mildred and act like a hardass around her, but then she turns into such a sweet and silly woman. I’m kind of living for her friendship with Louise, too, although I know it can mean nothing good for Mildred, who doesn’t realize she’s surrounded on all sides. We haven’t even flashed over to Louise rifling in her room during the dance, yet. I wonder what, if anything, she’ll find. But if she does find something, how will Bucket react? I think her opinions of Mildred might have changed after this incident. Speaking of which, while I get what they’re trying to do by having Mildred go all empathetic and feminist, it feels really out of place to me. I know she didn’t expect Hanover to go off like that, but she hardly likes Bucket, and more than that, humiliating and disempowering her would actually serve Mildred’s purposes. Especially if Bucket quit over it. If the whole point of getting them together was to keep Bucket distracted, then surely getting her out of the hospital altogether would be even better. Perhaps I could believe that she saw the opportunity to get on Bucket’s good side by comforting her if it wasn’t so clearly an emotionally-driven choice, and one she was conflicted about. She chose going after Bucket over watching Edmund. That’s a pretty interesting brand of empathy and overconfidence.

On to Edmund, the whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing was definitely a surprise, but mostly because I’m like...literally what is the plan here? How long do they think they’ll be able to survive on the run? Edmund himself is hard to get a read on, because we don’t get a whole lot from his perspective, but knowing Murphy, I’d wager that he does genuinely have some attachment to Dolly, if only because he’s lacking a sympathetic female figure in his life. He has Mildred of course, but seems very impatient and displeased with her plan and how she tries to control him. I think this whole escape is probably a combination of that frustration and impulsiveness and how he and Dolly really feed off each other’s romanticized idea of how it will all work out. It’ll be interesting to see where they go from here and whether they turn on each other or not. I really still can’t tell whether Edmund is really upset about Gwen being shot or not, but at this point I’m wondering like, why would he need to pretend? Dolly is clearly exhilarated by the whole thing (also unexpected). Their argument is over whether or not Gwen was “fair game,” which sounds to me like Edmund is similar to Mildred in that he really needs a way to justify his murders, which could be interesting, it’s just not the direction I thought we were gonna go with him. We’ll see, I guess!