#anyways all of them are gay and desperately need therapy

[midweastindigo]

ok but then eddie being haunted by tommy kinard.

suddenly, he is everywhere. sitting next to buck on eddie's couch. stopping by after his shift to join the 118 for breakfast. in the background of a late night phone call, the two of them helping eddie through a quiet anxiety attack.

the thought of how domestic it all seemed. thinking of how tommy fits into their circle. their family. how uneasy it makes eddie. 'this surely won't last,' his mind betrays.

the thing is. he wants it to. in all of the years he's known buck, he's never been so. settled. comfortable in his skin. alive. and who the fuck is eddie to say 'this doesn't feel right. you're going to be hurt again and i can't bear to witness another heartbreak,'?

what the fuck is he even thinking?

tommy's cologne floats around buck as he cooks chris and eddie breakfast.

he is in the dirty laundry on eddie's day off. buck left his sweatshirt here again. what a horrible sense of satisfaction to wash away the traces of another man embedded into the threads.

his body in the passenger seat of buck's jeep; the extra space for long, long legs. the outline of his palm on buck's thigh where it rested during a dinner out after he and marisol broke up. his bright, confident eyes in the pair of sunglasses in the cup holder. his steady silhouette following him around a grocery store. yeah, that grocery store.

the patched up holes in his bedroom mock him. buck saw all of his broken bits and stayed anyway. showed him it was okay to be broken and selfish and scared and cared for and loved. eddie wants to hit something. he calls buck instead.

what the fuck is wrong with him?

tommy lingers long after buck leaves. eddie desperately wishes things could go back to the way they were. when it was only buck who lingered. on his couch, in his laundry, wedged deep in his hea—

he doesn't bring tommy into his therapy sessions. frank doesn't need to meet him yet. it's only been a month.

fuck. it's been a fucking month.

eddie watches tommy touch buck's birthmark. traces his fingers down the little patches so gently. and eddie seethes. why is tommy allowed to touch, but not him?

what the fuck?

why is it when eddie called buck evan for the first time and meant it, it took buck's breath away, but tommy does it and it's suddenly as easy as breathing?

why now?

'i feel free, eddie,' he says, smiling. and there's something sparkling in his eyes. something only eddie has ever seen, in all of their time spent together. a warmth saved only for eddie; one he is sure, to his core, that buck has never shared with tommy. and he forgets all about the ghost of tommy kinard taking up space between them. he may weave and intertwine with them all, fitting in seamlessly with the rest of his family, but that look from buck is untouchable.

and. oh. oh.

'so, eddie—'

'i think i'm gay, frank. and i think i'm in love with buck.'

'okay,' frank says at the sudden outburst. eddie is laughing. 'eddie, are you alright?'

'yeah. i think, uh. i think—i feel free.'

[multi-lefaiye]

OC SMASH OR PASS

i was gonna wait till i got home but i'm impatient <3

rules: pretty self explanatory. include physical descriptions or pics, and propaganda. the “other” label can be used for “sexuality misalignment” (ie: oc is femme and you’re gay, vice versa or you aren’t into smashing but have a specific thing you wanna do with them like perhaps hug or study them under a microscope idc)

tagged by @vacantgodling and @jezifster :3

i was originally gonna do eden and tbh. might make a separate post for him. but my man salvatore is fun so <3 here's some misc. art of my beautiful man

PROPAGANDA:

hot older man

top-leaning verse

vampire

incredibly protective and intense

good with kids

takes a while to fall in love but when he does he falls HARD. will be very devoted to you and will not be subtle

badass as hell, knows how to fight

will commit crimes with you no problem

would punch someone just bc you asked him go, very loyal, will always back you up

completely down for a no strings attached casual relationship. he's chill.

willing to change and be a better guy, but you have to be patient

ANTI-PROPAGANDA:

has never been to therapy and desperately needs it

HOLY TOXIC MASCULINITY, BATMAN.

complete and total lack of self worth

will be very mean to you as a sign of affection

graphic threats of violence are a love language

if "vampire" is a pro for you, he's not interested

has dedicated his existence entirely to revenge and violence bc it's all he knows

i'd smash but i am in fact biased. lmao.

ANYWAY!! tagging (with no pressure to y'all <3): @albatris @skitzo-kero @anexor @addisons-damn-dialogue @written-in-gold @angsty-prompt-hole @corvus-rose aaand anyone else who might want to!!

[octahyde]

twst trans headcanons for pride or something hi

It’s pride month so I figure I might as well post my transcanons!! If I did my sexuality headcanons we’d be here all day so I’m just doing the stuff I relate to The Most know what I’m sayin…

Please note that unless otherwise pointed out, I am totally cool with different headcanons!! These are just where I think the specific characters land, and just because most characters aren’t listed here doesn’t mean I think they’re cis per say, just that I don’t have any particular hcs about them gender wise

Anyways!!

Riddle Rosehearts- Trans Man, Gay, He/Him*

This is one of my biggest ones… I think having femininity shoved down his throat and existence made him unable to explore his real gender. Even when he got accepted into NRC, there was a shock because his mother had been prepping him for an elite girls’ school. She went through with him going so she could brag to others behind his back. (“Did you know? My daughter is going to NRC. She’s the only girl who has ever been accepted!”)

Part of why he’s so militant on rules is because it’s the only way he can function mentally- he is desperately afraid of what will happen when his mom realizes he’s trans, so he enforces them strictly to feel like he’s doing something right.

He was so malnourished his breasts never developed and his periods are spotty at best. This doesn’t ease his dysphoria but rather makes him feel more dysphoric; he feels his body is broken and can’t even do what it’s “supposed” to do right.

He doesn’t have a need to get top, but he does get phallo when his hormones are fixed. “Average size, nothing too grotesque, please.” Throughout all of this Trey is by his side, unwavering in support. Trey is the one person who has known him in every stage of his transition and the only one Riddle intimately confides to.

Eventually Riddle does pursue law; after several months-long IOP sessions for years he IS stable enough to be a lawyer righteously and justly. Meanwhile, Trey runs his family bakery in stead of his parents before him. The two adopt two sons, and eventually after years of being in therapy and having Riddle’s gynophobia eased, a baby daughter as well.

Through all this shit of being married with children to another man who is openly gay and having full testosterone and a literal phalloplasty, Riddle only sees himself as “A devoted ally of the LGBTQ community.” Nobody tell him.

*This is a hc I am VERY staunch on, and I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable with anything fem!Riddle related, be it genderbends or headcanons. That being said! Everyone has their own relationship with gender and I have nothing wrong with people having these hcs, and I even see where transfem Riddle is coming from. I just personally prefer to have it kept away from me.

Cater Diamond- Trans Man, Bi, He/Him

I’m not sure if this is a popular hc or not?? I thought it was but I’m just realizing it’s because every Cater is Transmasc Cater in my eyes so I could just be projecting onto cis stuff without realizing it DIS IF NSFJFN

Anyways Caycay is a trans guy and it’s a lot of why he has disdain for how his sisters treat him, even if they don’t realize it. Similar to Riddle having femininity forced on him, but in a different way and significantly less extreme.

In general, Caycay has a streak of hiding most if not all of his real self under his peppy attitude and social media addiction (his lab vignette, Wish Upon A Star), if not outright resentment (his Halloween vignette) for people who are legitimately as shallow he acts when they don’t have a care in the world (Borderline Personality Disorder).

I think that follows through in his dysphoria; he shows himself as a happy, carefree guy who is just happy to be a guy, but underneath that he does have resentment for his cisgender peers for having what he wants- especially without family knowing he’s a guy but treating them as their little tomboy sister with different pronouns anyways.

His chest dysphoria is particularly bad; he has D cups and every time he puts his binder on he wants to die. Not above self harming, either, but I don’t have any hcs firm on that kind of thing for him. Has likely skipped class on days where it’s particularly bad. Trey Clover, #1 Cis Ally, is also the only person he confides into as well, when his guard is down he’s vulnerable enough (which is to say, not often).

He gets top surgery basically the second his fourth year starts, he’s too much of a suicide risk without it. He can take or leave phallo, but is mostly just fine with what T does to his penis and doesn’t see a need to pursue it. He ends up marrying a bad bitch influencer on Magicam and is basically just a trophy husband when she starts getting actual gigs in advertising. They have a very happy r/childfree life also.

He moves to the Queendom of Roses to be closer to Trey as well. After NRC, he gets a lot more vulnerable and transparent about how badly he really is doing. Trey is the one who drives him to and helps his intake for when he needs inpatient (which is a lot), as well as his ride to and from IOP every day.

Trey Clover’s schedule is basically wake up, get started on the baking for the day, have breakfast with his family, pick up and drop off Caycay at IOP, open + morning shift, lunch break (picking Caycay up and getting McDonalds because that’s all this dumb bitch ever wants, then dropping him off at home), afternoon shift +closing, making dinner, and being intimate with Riddle during their allotted Love Making Time if he so chooses. This is his life and, somehow, it’s his dream life and the happiest he can even be. God bless Trey Clover.

Jamil Viper- Nonbinary (Genderfluid), He/She (alternating)

I don’t have much to elaborate on here, basically since I got into TWST I’ve just naturally alternated on he and she for her depending on how I feel that day LMAO. Her nonbinanry swag…

Nondysphoric and never medically transitions. She probably has more feminine clothing but for the most part doesn’t really feel a need to do anything to herself. She Likes Women In A Gay Way which is the best way I know how to describe it, even knowing other terminology (and also being uncomfortable with them from trauma). Marries a normal person after NRC and is also r/childfree, but is the worst influence on Najima’s children.

Epel Felmier

do i even need to fucking elaborate on this.

Vil Schoenheit- Transhet Woman, She/Her**

Content warning for mentions of an eating disorder, specifically anorexia.

Listen trust me I know a Beautiful Trans Woman when I see one.

She’s out when she’s at NRC and on light E, but that’s it at that point because of her career. She has Turbo Dysphoria, which is exacerbated by her relationships with Neige and Epel- the fact that Neige is so effortlessly soft and beautiful despite being a cis man, and Epel being afab and having such a frail and feminine form but wanting to be masc caused deep resentment for both. The trans envy and projection is a major force in how she treats Epel and why she is so hard on him and trying to mold him.

Eventually, her anorexia causes her to black out and collapse during a shoot. She’s rushed to inpatient for a few months so she can recover. There, she comes to terms with the fact that Neige isn’t her enemy and never was- especially when he regularly visits to make sure she’s ok. He’s genuinely worried about her after all the shows they’ve done together.

She also makes the decision to cut Rook from her life, as he was majorly encouraging a lot of unhealthy behavior- including the eating disorder that landed her there in the first place.

Along with this, she’s finally put on a higher dose of E in the hospital, because it’s a very big contributor to why she got as bad as she did. When she’s stable for a few months after being discharged, she gets breast augmentation for D cups and a vaginoplasty as soon as she can.

Also she actively pursues getting closer to Neige out of thanks for him and they get married and have children and the euphoria Vil feels getting pregnant is crazy. The end

**I am VERY aware this is a controversial headcanon, and one many feel goes against Vil’s entire character. I am not denying Vil is canonically a gnc man, nor am I going after people for not viewing her this way. This headcanon is very personal to me as a gnc trans man and other trans people I know. All I ask for is respect and that you block me if this headcanon bothers you instead of trying to argue with me.

Idia Shroud- Transhet Woman, She/Her

Content warning for actual discussions of self harm (specifically cutting), along with amputation.

My most surprising and shocking transcanon out of all of these

Idia is literally like… what if you took a bunch of white trans women in STEM and put them all in a room together and tasked them with making the most stereotypical boymoder they possibly could. Coding? Check. Loves SHMUPs? Check. Posts about hyperspecific weird obscure interests on the internet? Check. Dresses really nice in MMORPGs despite not putting effort in irl? Check check check. It’s legitimately stunning to me that this isn’t a more popular headcanon. She probably has thigh highs on under her pants at all times.

I unsurprisingly have a LOT of thoughts about this; I’m hardcore yume so I will likely leave that out because it’s personal but tbqh I have enough thoughts to write a book without that.

During the incident that killed Ortho, Idia was out for 3ish days afterward. When she woke up, not only was Ortho gone, but her legs were, too- the phantom took them in the attack, and she had to have them amputated. She ended up as a double below the knee amputee. This incident all gave her EXTREME CTPSD. (Which like, it’s canon it gave her CPTSD and informs every single action she makes and the entire fandom is ableist as hell for infantilizing her autism uwu and ignoring the CPTSD completely, but that’s another post for another time.) It also lead to severe schizophrenia and BPD. She eventually developed prosthetics in the style of Ortho’s legs she wears in her personal life, but at NRC she wears near indistinguishable realistic ones out of fear of sticking out even more. The trauma from everything and lack of proper help eventually lead to cutting herself regularly; specifically at her shoulders.

She realized she was attracted to men around 14-15 through BL. (I will never stop saying DMMD Changed Her Life and she is still in love with Clear to this day. People don’t compare her to Yaoi Jesus for nothing.) It was around her second year when her egg cracked (this time it was Touhou) and she realized she wasn’t a little gayboy.

By her third year she was boymoding; to feel more comfortable she started wearing sports bras and panties underneath her uniform to feel at least a little more like a girl. She was much more openly A Girl online in MMOs and Discord servers based around breaking Mario 64 down to its metaphorical molecular level.

In her fourth year she Finally gets on meds, and the side effect of Risperdal for her Turbo Psychosis gives her gynecomastia. After she’s graduated she goes on E, which, uh. Combined with the Risperdal ends up being very kind to her.

She only ever goes on E, she’s got breast development covered and her genitals don’t particularly bother her. Over time she gets mild shrinkage and gets less erect, which is all she really needs to feel herself. In general, she’s more focused on if she feels like a girl in her body as opposed to if she passes.

I know I said it but she is SUCH a Thigh Highs tgirl. She has ones that accommodate her legs and she basically can’t live without a pair on, they’re SUPER comfy for her. She also dresses like a Hot Topic egirl LMAO… short black skirts, big comfy t shirts and sweaters, some comfy dresses along with really nice ones when she does go out. I have like an entire image board I made of her the other night.

Also I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: regardless of what gender you view Idia as, she wears cat eye glasses. Nobody has good vision looking close to the screen in the dark as she does, and the second she heard “cat” she didn’t bother looking at any other options.

I don’t want to talk about yume stuff because it’s REALLY embarrassing but smfns my sona is a girlmoding (outside of NRC) trans man and as they get closer and start dating over the years they transition together… it’s a very close and intimate thing for both of them. They also have 3 cats (a white one named Clear, a gray one named Ryoji, and my queen and god.) And Ortho and CR-BS01 and 02 live with them also… a happy family.

I think they eventually have kids after Idia’s nerves are calmed about the curse (she gets pregnant because I’m sure as HELL not making a self insert not have phallo let alone have a uterus. This is a universe where a guy can turn people into sand I’m sure fertility treatments for people without vaginas exist), and none of the kids end up inheriting it because her and her parents have successfully handled the phantoms :)

Epel Felmier For Real This Time- Trans Man, Gay, He/Him***

My masc king… I feel like I don’t really have to discuss his transness; he’s overwhelmingly the most popular transcanon for a reason LMAO But just for the sake of it: his docile feminine frame and being compared to femininity bothers him significantly, and he much more desires to be seen as masculine and tough. It really isn’t that hard to see him as a trans guy (speaking as a trans guy who relates to him myself).

His chest is a modest B-C cup, but that still gives him dysphoria and stresses him out when he wears binders. He has much, MUCH more severe bottom dysphoria, though. (matchies with his housewarden OMG) Unlike Riddle, though, Epel goes All In when he gets his phallo size.

He also visits Queendom of Roses with Deuce more often and regularly after Rabbitfes so Dylla can sneak him some T. MILF of the world. Please god just one cha

(His family supports him. It’s just he’s so out in the middle of nowhere T is hard to get. That’s what his MILF in law is for.)

Him and Deuce settle on his farm with Deuce as a mechanic, both for vehicles in Harveston and also the surrounding area past it. (He may or may not get well known and a lot of clients from blastcycle customs too)

They adopt a boy and it’s literally just their Gay Masc Life on the Family Farm. No girls allowed.

***Unsurprisingly, I also do not like any works featuring fem!Epel; my stances on it are the same as my ones on Riddle.

NOT FEATURED IN THIS POST: Ruggie is simultaneously a gay twink and a butch lesbian at the same time. His gender is an enigma even to me.

[naranjapetrificada]

Fic recs based on what bits of s2 promotion made you go 👀

So obviously we only have a couple days left and I shouldn't have put this off for so long, but I've been making connections between fics I've encountered and questions raised by the teaser, trailer, and BTS video and thought I'd share some of them. Light (extremely light, like you've just emerged from an isolated cave light) s2 spoilers possible, although it's still mostly speculation?

Anyway this obviously got very long, so I'm throwing in a break now so I don't slow your scroll.

Maybe time in nature helps Ed do some healing?

Fallow Land & Bigger Sky, which I can't ever seem to shut up about was such a rewarding and healing read for me. Especially recommended for people who are interested in Ed's inner life, healing journey, and coping mechanisms, maladaptive or otherwise. Also folks who are excited for him to have an animal friend like Stede Bunnet, although in this fic it's a sweet little black lamb that he sometimes carries around in his shirt.

It begins with Ed having spent a year since The Dock living incognito on a remote (but not deserted!) island trying to get his head around everything that happened and looking for something like peace, however he can get it. It's written in an evocative, poetic way and includes some incredibly lovely flashbacks, believable character growth, important realizations, and tender emotional moments. The vibes are more pastoral than castaway, but Ed is still given time and space to do the work he needs to do in rugged, isolated surroundings so it still scratches that itch for me.

[There are definitely some triggers to be aware of but it feels like the author did a good job of mentioning them at the beginning of each chapter.]

Maybe they do some healing together?

There's no need to reinvent the wheel so I'm going to borrow heavily from an earlier post I made about healing and fanfic two make the case for these two:

Brace Yourself and Nestle into Me: The premise is that Ed and Stede figure out that they're into each other around episode 7, and they're deliriously happy to know that they feel the same way about each other. But Stede has some (understandable) sexual dysfunction around being queer thanks to the horrible society that he grew up in. Ed is a darling trying to help him through it all, and along the way he realizes he also has some of his own hangups he needs to work through, and that they can both support each other's healing.

I appreciate that this one doesn't treat healing like a straight line because it never is, and emphasizes that trust can't just be implicit, you really have to talk it through as a crew, even if it's just a crew of two broken middle-aged men who are desperately in love with each other. It also gets into some of the stuff I've been talking about on here about grieving your former selves and the selves you never got to be, which was validating as hell. That sounds heavy and there are concepts that are literally part of modern therapy modalities woven into the story, but there are also warm and loving and hilarious moments too, including this gem:

“Also can you just imagine how proud little horny baby gay Stede would be know you would be to know that whatever he went through, today you’ve got your own ship and are getting completely railed by Blackbeard? I mean, just absolutely dicked down by the most famous pirate in history? He would lose his mind.”

Adrift Between the Dreaming Seas: Based on my usual filtering on ao3 I probably never, ever would have come across this fic if it weren't for a recommendation someone posted here. It's got fantasy elements, allegory, metaphors stacked on metaphors, talking animals, and so many other things that would have kept me from ever discovering it on my own. My life would be poorer for it.

Basically Stede is cursed to be a lighthouse keeper on an island that seems to move around the world. Animals show up and the ones who talk to him are members of the crew, and Ed is an actual kraken. It's all this symbolism about monstrosity and trauma and maladaptive coping and the messiness that is Stede's kindness scraping against his self loathing. I shed tears of many kinds along the way, and it made me think hard about community and recovery and the things we do to and for ourselves and others.

It's just a lovely little gem of a story that made me feel so much so deeply while also making me laugh much more than I was anticipating. I'm so glad I gave it a chance.

Maybe there's a massive, life-altering storm?

A World of Tempestuous Things, which is nearly finished and has been such a rewarding, moving journey to follow as it explores another take on their reunion story. There's the expected angst and misunderstandings, but also wit and warmth and longing and rage and these casually devastating historical asides, some of which still haunt me out of the blue because of the staggering and inescapable nature of the passage of time. Speaking of passages and being haunted, dig if you will, this picture:

so little time to dwell amongst strangers as a citizen of the world will never, ever stop reverberating in my head like a cymbal crash and I guess that's just something I live with now. @lostakasha, you've given me the existentially beautiful prose version of tinnitus.

Maybe Stede's slut party era is finally upon us?

If so, good for him, he deserves it so much.

When the Light Shines In is a missing scene/lightly canon-divergent take on s1e06, if you just like the idea of meeting a jolly version of Drunk Stede (vs that "unhand me or bleed" guy, who is hot in his own way or course but can't beat messy earnest bossy Stede in my opinion). It's set immediately after the fight with Izzy. Ed is patching him up and trying not to vibrate out of his own skin, while Stede is affectionate and chatty and besotted whether he knows it or not, and steadily working his way through a bottle of rum for the pain. So not really related to season 2, but it will still scratch that same itch and make you smile real big.

Well, I Ain't Tactful is actually set during season 2, inspired by the moment in the BTS video where Ed sees Stede getting drunk with his new leather buddies. If you asked yourself what might happen if Ed felt compelled to keep an eye on Sloppy Stede and tuck him in with a glass of water, then this one will be fun. Ed is caring and lovely about it all even while still being a bit mad at him for everything, and Stede is a mess but so sweet and still so, so in love.

Maybe we'll get to see young Ed on Hornigold's ship?

There's no evidence of that so far beyond the whole ghost of Hornigold thing, but it certainly would be a treat. But even if it doesn't, if the idea of more young Ed appeals I cannot possibly recommend the pre-canon Never Shall We Die enough.

Now there's no getting around two crucial things that may be dealbreakers for some people: first, it's long. It's very, very long. Second: it's a WIP. Only one of two I've allowed myself to follow in this fandom so I don't get overwhelmed or bogged down. But!

The writing is so impeccable that it stands head and shoulders above almost everything I've ever read on ao3 and honestly above a lot of commercially published original fiction I've encountered in the same span of time since I've started it. The settings are deliciously (and sometimes, due to the realities of life on a pirate ship, disgustingly) immersive, the action scenes are perfectly paced, and the emotional beats, when they hit, hit hard and ring true and stay with you.

Starting at at age 13, young Ed's growth and development over time is equal parts rewarding and harrowing. Threads are pulled together from canon and from earlier parts of the story to coalesce into a portrait of a living, breathing version of our favorite guy trying to find his place in the world, stumbling along the way, and eventually realizing that if he wants a place he'll have to make it himself. The secondary characters leap off the proverbial page too, and the connections he does or doesn't form with them have interesting, believable fallout for everyone involved.

I mentioned action scenes earlier, but I want to circle back around to them again because NSWD takes Izzy's season 1 comment about Blackbeard being the greatest sailor he's ever known and says the same with its whole chest. I know I'm not alone in hoping to see Incredible Sailor Ed in season 2, but in the mean time this is more than scratching that itch for me. We see Ed set foot on his first ship with no skills beyond attracting (mostly) unwelcome attention and observational skills that become the foundation of his later abilities with the sea and with the art of fuckery. From the outside he looks like a savant but on the inside he builds his skills slowly over time, delighting in learning new things and seeing a plan come together. But best of all, he delights in the skills of others, eagerly learns from them when he can, happily teaches what he can to the few people he trusts, and takes pleasure and pride in their own success.

I could literally keep talking about this fic until the next chapter gets posted, but the good news is that happens regularly! I know it can be tough to trust a WIP but I for one am so thankful for the moment of poor impulse control that led to me starting this one. New chapters come roughly every two weeks, and looking at @tresdem's output elsewhere helps me feel secure that we'll actually get to the end.

[fierrochase-falafel]

Guanyin temple thoughts (AKA nothing can stop a dramatic bisexual)- spoilers!

I'm reading the Guanyin temple scene in MDZS at the moment and LORD none of the media censoring Wangxian's gay relationship will ever be able to convey just how much Jin Guangyao got upstaged by them here-!!!

Especially comparing this whole fiasco with the one that went down in CQL, every few lines these 2 are doing SOMETHING really gay, usually also really funny because of the timing, while everyone else is paying attention to the plot. In CQL, this whole arc felt like a culmination to Jin Guangyao's and Lan Xichen's subliminally gay plotline more than anything, but the great thing about the novel is that Wei Wuxian especially just keeps stealing Jin Guangyao's thunder. First they have to deal with Wei Wuxian's obliviousness, then Wei Wuxian confesses, then Wangxian have their really sweet moment and spend every moment hereafter making their gayness known to all in a 5 mile radius (case in point: Wei Wuxian taunting Su She and making Lan Wangji laugh, Wangxian hugging and being super loud about it because of Wei Wuxian's trauma-induced cynophobia and then Wei Wuxian covering Lan Wangji's ears from the wrongly-played guqin)...and THEN Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian have THEIR moment while Jin Guangyao is discovering his mother's body is missing. Jin Guangyao's antagonism almost means nothing anymore.

Not to mention, Jin Guangyao is barely an antagonist for over half of this entire scenario. Even though he's keeping them all hostage, it's not like some of them have better things to be doing really (read: Wangxian and Nie Huaisang). All the catharsis they'd desperately needed for years, they're getting that here anyways. Jin Guangyao literally joins in on getting Wei Wuxian to realise his feelings, almost like it's a casual gossip sesh giving life advice to your (gay) sworn brother's son-in-law-to-be:

Wei WuXian glanced at him before turning to Lan XiChen, “It’s like this. I couldn’t sleep tonight and took a stroll outside the inn. I only came here accidentally. HanGuang-Jun’s in another room. He doesn’t know I went out.”

Jin GuangYao found this strange, “You two got two rooms?”

Wei WuXian, “Who told you we’d definitely get one room?

Jin GuangYao smiled, but said nothing. Wei WuXian, “Oh, I know.” Lan XiChen told him. Wei WuXian, “You two really do talk about anything and everything.”

This does NOT feel like a hostage situation- this just feels like a gathering of people who would be happier with extensive therapy. And...I have nothing useful to say really. I just think this is really funny. Especially when you consider how Wangxian's presence in the farce that was the Second Seige of the Burial Mounds (that legit just happened) derailed how THAT was supposed to go too, with Wei Wuxian solving the mystery of the gravedigger guy in live-time while Lan Wangji silenced anyone trying to argue with his bf.

Jin Guangyao and Su She are being sidelined hard in their own plot, and not just by the oriole to their mantis AKA mastermind Nie Huiasang. Even though they are supposed to be the main antagonists facing a climax, the real climax is the resolution of emotional conflict between the hostages they've taken. As for their fate, that was decided years ago when Jin Guangyao accelerated Nie Mingjue's death. The actual plot, interesting as it is, was barely ever in question because of the constant background presence of this mastermind, who's trapped Jin Guangyao exactly where he wanted to. There is no real defeating of the villain, because Jin Guangyao is made to be at his weakest in the temple, and his strongest before Wei Wuxian was even summoned back yet. It's so strange...it really sets in stone that in the novel MDZS, there is no real villain. There are people who learn from their mistakes, people who don't, and people who judge them as if they're any better. Nie Huiasang is Jin Guangyao's retribution for his continued crimes and Wei Wuxian is the person Jin Guangyao could've been if he stopped blaming others for said crimes...both of them, subtly or unsubtly, dominate his hostage attempt completely. Maybe that's what I'm really trying to say here. I do feel quite bad for Jin Guangyao though, having put his entire life into building up a reputation knocked over in 1 fell swoop, and having to watch his only true remaining friend lose trust in him in real time. All this additional conflict just further emphasises how Jin Guangyao's fall from grace has really already occurred.

Sidenote: Everyone becoming homophobic effective immediately after Wei Wuxian's ill-timed confession is also just really funny, they were so mad at his obliviousness like 2 seconds ago and now they're edging away from him (maybe to give them space, sure, but still)...Wei Wuxian, in all matters, is the epitome of "damned if you do, damned if you don't". Except for Jiang Cheng, in which case he's just straight-up damned (/lh).

Also the way they're yelling (it doesn't say they were yelling but I picture them yelling this) about hugging when Jiang Cheng shows up and while everyone else is like, "What's Sect Leader Jiang going to do? Will he beat Jin Guangyao? Will the plot advance?"

Wei WuXian, “Hug me!”

Lan WangJi, “I am hugging you!”

Wei WuXian, again, “Hug me tight!”

Lan WangJi, also, “I am hugging you tight!”

Managed to upstage not just Jin Guangyao but Jiang Cheng too, effortlessly, as Wei Wuxian always seems to :,) Take that, Jiang Cheng's pride! /lh

These guys have been separated for 13 years, ok? They deserve to have this.

[lolotheparagon]

What are the various Rogues' opinions on Scarecrow's new daughters minions?

Riddler:

I know I’m the best supervillain Gotham has ever seen, but I always had a humble respect for Crane. The man has elicited terror and fear thoroughout Gotham for many years and is a profilic terrorist and scientist. So it baffles the mind that he has taken upon himself to be a parent, oh wait I mean (snickers) boss to a bunch of tiny pastel ponies so he can scare the whole populace. It’s almost comical how stupid that plan is. Oh sure, the average Neanderthal slumping around the streets would be scared of these sickeningly cute critters. But that’ll wear off soon enough and you don’t see Two-Face or Harley Quinn afraid of them! What will be your plan next? Face it, Crane. You just want to play house with these ponies because you’re so desperate to have a goal in your life, you’ve resorted to parenthood like a lonely housewife in a loveless marriage. Pathetic!…What? What do I think of the ponies themselves? What’s there to talk about? They’re annoying, disgustingly cute and clearly lack any intelligence whatsoever! They’re also relentless, whenever Crane’s not around, they always force me to partake in their juvenile games. Do I look like a babysitter to you?!

Penguin:

Don’t remind me of those little bastards. When I found out that the Scarecrow himself had employed these tiny ponies to be his minions, I was laughing for days. Look at ‘em, you’d think you can easily just kick those little tykes to the curb, swot ‘em like a fly. But no, not only are they immune to bullets, they took down half my men, tied me up in ribbons, put bloody makeup on me and turned my club into a BLOODY ICE RINK!! Ohhh, you think you’ve won this battle, Crane. Think you’ve humiliated me. But mark my words, once your back is turned and your mind focused on the Bat again, I’ll take your little ponies and put ‘em in a glue factory!

Two-Face:

Oh yeah, those little…things. (Shudders) Their cuteness is so overwhelming they creep me out NEXT WE SEE ‘EM, WE SHOOT THOSE CRITTERS AND SMEAR THEM ALL OVER THE WALLS. You’re just pissed off cos they did our makeup. THOSE LITTLE BITCHES DREW ALL OVER OUR FACE I know we look stupid but you don’t see me raging about it SHUT UP, HARV! NO ONE WILL TAKE US SERIOUSLY WHEN WE GO ON CRIME SPREES WITH THIS SHIT PLASTERED ON! No one took us seriously anyway. WE’RE MEN! MEN DONT WEAR MAKEUP!! WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?! …I really need therapy.

Poison Ivy:

Those ponies are herbivores, nature is part of their diet. Normally, I would be against them but I just can’t say no to kids. These little ones have an unspoiled innocence that I hope their time in Gotham would never taint it. I feel almost sorry for them. Crane is a smart man, but he is cold and ruthless, not exactly father of the year material. But it is rather amusing to see himself run ragged trying to keep a bunch of ponies in order. Especially that unicorn following him around like a puppy. He’s stuck with all of them for eternity so I can’t wait to see how this will unfold. My bet is that he’ll have a mental breakdown within a few months. And I’ll have front row seats.

Harley Quinn:

What?! Dr Crane has magical ponies as his kids?!. Oh my god, that’s hysterical!! Wow, I mean, I know the Bat beat you pretty bad and you’re out of ideas, but that is a whole new level of desperate! Whats next year’s Halloween’s plan, he’s gonna sic Starbright Sprinkle and Princesscake on us? Ohhh, I’m so scared! But ya know what, good for him for finding a new career that suits him: a fucking loser! By the way, which ranch did he get those ponies from? Cos I want one! In fact, Crane, can I have the pink one? No, wait, I’ll trade ya for the flying fairy one!

Catwoman:

I always see the little guys running around at the mall, playing dress up and terrifying thugs with their mere existence. Its funny to see a bunch of grown men terrified at something so cute. Honestly, I have no idea why Crane of all people is in custody of these ponies. To see the master of fear being a dad and a decent one to boot is…weird. I don’t know if he’s just putting it on to regain some scare factor or if he’s genuinely enjoying it, but at least the ponies seem happy. However, if he does put any of those kids in danger, I’ll tear his stitched ass apart.

Killer Croc:

Doesn’t matter, they’re all just food to me. Those little things don’t scare me. Nothing scares me. Not even, you, Crane.

Mr Freeze:

He has what? That is…concerning. I do hope those little ponies are treated properly. Are they well-fed? Do they have proper education? He doesn’t experiment on them, does he? No? Oh thank goodness. Well, are their mental and emotional needs met? Does he spend quality time with them? …Sorry, I have a few arctic hares that I keep as pets that I’ve grown very attached to over the last month. They’re like children to me. So I just hope Crane is taking the responsibilities of parenting seriously.

[lovingoverwatchguys]

Random tangent: ‘Soldier 76′ is just as much of an image as ‘Strike Commander Morrison’ was

I think people often do Jack a huge disservice when they ‘analyze’ him by taking his image at face value. Often, to understand his thoughts, you can’t take his word for it, and have to look at what he’s feeling beneath.

Let me explain a bit. (Under a read more because I don’t want to clog up any tags with super long posts)

Why would you be able to take his word? Jack has never been able to express himself fully in his entire adult life. He had to put on the image of ‘Strike Commander Morrison’, the beacon of positivity and strict commander, for decades. Because Jack has a massive martyr complex, and he sacrificed being an authentic person because he thought that was what the world needed. The world wanted ‘Strike Commander’; he thought it couldn’t care less about ‘Jack’.

Most people seem to be aware of that, yet they still take ‘Soldier: 76′ at face value as how he actually feels, and it baffles me. No, it’s a (literal and theoretical) mask, just a different one.

Look at how he acts in the Bastet story; he’s willing to crack jokes and have fun with Ana, smiling and saying silly things, to the point that even Ana says he’s “like a child sometimes.”

But that makes sense when you think of his relationship with Ana - as his closest friend, she got to see beneath the mask of ‘Strike Commander Morrison’, and she still can see under this one, too. (Honestly, I think Ana would see right through Jack anyway; he’s not as good at hiding his emotions as he thinks he is)

In fact, image seems to be a theme in Bastet in general - note the way that Ana puts on a new mask to become a protector. It’s the same thing Jack did. He wants to help people, and he thinks this is the best way to do it. Just like before - the world needs ‘Soldier: 76′, and he thinks it couldn’t care less about ‘Jack’.

‘Soldier: 76′ is not a person. He’s a name. An image. (Also, they are so cute. I love them. A cool girl and her gay best friend.)

And to be honest, I think some of the other characters can see through him, to an extent. This interaction has always caught my eye:

What Jack says might sound condescending at first glance, but when you think about the fact that Jack's whole deal is "fighting so other people don't have to"...it makes me think he's concerned for her and doesn't like that she has to fight here. 

I think Mei picks up on that, and that’s why her response is a bit teasing. Tracer does the same with the ‘Okay, dad!’ interaction. The two of them can tell he’s more of a pushover than he lets on, no matter how desperately he tries to hide it.

But I also argue that Soldier: 76 isn’t just an image done out of necessity. I don’t think even Jack himself is aware of this, but it seems very convenient that by donning an aggressive face that shuts other people out, he doesn’t have to let others close to him. 

Some people don’t seem to consider the immense amount of trauma both the fall of Overwatch and the Swiss Base explosion would cause for him. He was surrounded by constant public degradation for months to years. He saw everything he worked for get undone largely because of negative public opinion and betrayal, and was then in a serious disaster that likely had many casualties.

After something like that happens, I doubt he feels safe letting almost anyone close at all. This mask doubly functions to protect him from getting hurt in such a horrible way again. And devoting all of his thoughts and emotion to this moral crusade means he doesn’t have to face all of the real emotional issues he has. It is, as the kids say, a cope.

None of this is to say Jack isn’t bitter or angry. And I’m sure as hell not saying he’s emotionally healthy. He needs more therapy than almost anyone else in the cast.

But so many people only give Jack a surface-level analysis, and I think that’s lame. Ironically, taking the image at face value would in-universe just prove his bad worldview. Life imitates art.

[samioli]

Gosh the more I hear about DD the more I’m like I’m so glad I’m still playing Apollo Justice. Uhhhhh oh! Top five or three if your personal NRMT Headcanons and maybe one or two of your HCs for Phoenix and Miles by themselves? I saw a post earlier about like hard and soft HCs, hard being stuff you just need to have about the character for them to make sense to you and soft is less rude or die but something you still enjoy.

I guess one for me is the Bi Phoenix / realizing he’s also attracted to men. It’s not a deal breaker really but if a fic went out of its way to say he was only gay I might squint a little like mmmmm not a fan but you do you

And then a soft one is him having heterochromia. I can flow with his big brown puppy dog eyes but despite recent set him having two blue eyes isn’t Bad. But it’s one of those things I never noticed until someone said it and I saw they changed Maya to have blue eyes too and THAT feels wrong haha (no hate to blue eyed Maya-truthers)

yeah, dont get me wrong, theres still some REALLY GOOD NRMT moments in DD (like if u present phoenix's badge to miles, for instance) but that combined with that one quote i mentioned earlier just. does not make sense to me.

anyways! hmmmm interesting. i guess for NRMT, one HC is like, i dont like when miles is REALLY mean, esp during sex???? thats probably just a me preference but idk, like. a lil degradation is fine but they both should be having fun, yknow?? and sometimes i see miles depicted like he doesnt really care or that phoenix has to fight for his attention during sex, and while kink stuff like that is totally fine, i just don't personally see it for them in particular. these two are so obsessed with each other that it makes other people sick. one hard HC would be that Miles is super supportive of phoenix during the 7yg. they def had some ups and downs during that time, but miles was always there for him. ALSO a side hc, i HATE when people think miles would be disgusted by how phoenix looks?????? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are you kidding?? miles wants to touch his stubble SO BADLY and he thinks phoenix looks hot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! end ted talk last hc would be that, even if he says otherwise, miles loooooooooooooooooooooooooooves phoenix's voice and how much he talks. loves it. cannot get enough of it. one time they get into a fight and phoenix doesnt talk to him for like. idk, an hour or two tops and hes just like 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺internally. and god dont get me started about sex!!!!! he esp loves phoenix's voice and talkativeness during sex two headcanons for Miles Edgeworth: that he's nuerodivergent in some way, i guess. im partial to him being autistic, but its all great tbh. and another headcanon for him would be that he actually has the biggest sweet tooth and won't admit it Two headcanons for phoenix: He has BPD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and desperately needs to go to therapy for his issues my god. (i have BPD, been in therapy for a long time, im a whole lot better than what i used to be jsdnsjkd) OH and he also has adhd. hes just like me fr thank you so much for the ask!!! im sorry that i rambled jsaknsdk

[sanchoyo]

arc v 31-40 thoughts. um. um well, yes………these kids need therapy, to preface this…holy shit ? wow. a lot happened in this stretch of episodes, answered some questions and raised 4000 more. anyway.

-SHINGO TRYING SOOOOO HARD TO BE COOL BUT BEING A MASSIVE DORK IS JUST ENDEARING ME TO HIM SO MUCH MORE. HES LIKE SHOOTING UP MY RANKING. which right as im typing this on 31, is yuzu, shingo, sora, masumi, reiji, and michio as my favs (probably in that order, too. im just as shocked sora got up so high, considering i was ANNOYED when he showed up first LMAO his friendship with yuzu is so endearing tho…)

-new opening! interesting imagery in it, but def liked OP 1 way more song-wise. -_-

-every word out of shingo's mouth im like . yeah ok im loving him hes SO funny JSDHFJK . his deck is furry samurai too, which is. well. its very good.

-reiji seems more concerned with his own goals to see yuya as a proper rival! I think he just sees him as the son of someone he admired, and someone of interest bc of pendulum! I dont think he thinks of this 14 yr old as a threat to his status or anything! which is the usual ygo rival MO…feels like shingo really is that rival character, which makes more sense to me given my expectations for a rival lol! 31-32 were the eps that made me start rly like yuya more (not that I disliked him before! just…he felt more like a protag when he started getting super into it!!! yes show some passion tomato boy!!!)

-wasnt too crazy about the new outro, either (the visuals were nice at least!)

-ok shingo is def the rival, right? right. a lil gay with it. theyre so CUTE firing each other up so much, its actually pretty fun and theyre both having a good time getting the crowd worked up together…wholesome! like, very very wholesome! 32 might be one of my fav eps, along with the yuzu/masumi 2nd duel…

-cannot fucking explain the drop in my stomach when getting to an episode just titled 'neo heartland city' and nothing else. NO NONOONO. NOT MY FUCKING CITY WITH MY FUCKING BLORBOS. EVEN IF ITS SOME KIND OF AU SITUATION IM SO SCARED.

-called it with the masumi being some kind of brainwashed to think shun was always lds! me and yuzu are on the same page

-ok seeing heartland city field spell was DISTURBING LIKE WATCHING A ZOMBIE OF A LOVED ONE BEING REANIMATED. all of the charas are calling it futuristic.. so is... is arc v chronologically in the PAST???? are all the dimensions also on different YEARS or??

-christ alive! reiji is doing the heartland city field spell on PURPOSE TO UPSET SHUN??? 'he should be happy' BITCH HE ISNT HAPPY. SHUN IS A HEARTLANDER. WHICH I ASSUMED BC XYZ, BUT YEAH. YEAH. WHAT HAPPENED BUDDY TELL ME!!!

-oh god

-oh god

-oh god. what the fuck, sora.

-ok. well. i knew this would happen. could not have predicted HOW or the fucking tone shift. I have whiplash. this was hard to watch, I literally had to keep pausing to get up, pace, breath, then come and sit again. several times. the actively being super fake from sora, trying to be cheerful and nonchalant and a bit bratty but still trying to hype the crowd, then the gradual, then frantic build up to someone clearly UnWell and Maniacal and SADISTIC and DESPERATE to Say the Least...insanely well done, hard to watch bc it HURTS. LIKE.

-what the hell, sora. -what the HELL. its not like I ever ENTIRELY trusted him, but my GOD. the execution was flawless

-'hunting you all is FUN and not hard at ALL and I LOVE IT' OK???? 13 YR OLD LOVES GENOCIDE. AND THE OTHER 14? 15? YEAR OLD CLEARLY TRAUMATIZED. BUT IN A RESISTANCE OF SOME KIND. COOL COOL COOL. ALL MY FAVS ARE PROB DEAD OR IN CARDS AUGH.

-both of them need therapy. this whole ordeal, soras scary creepy faces, making children cry, using the scariest creepycute monsters ive ever seen? endears him more to me somehow. hes a littol fucked up actually…more than expected…I can VIBE with that. I LIKE characters that are a Little Fucked and yugioh has NO shortage of them. might have to swap around that fav charas order list immediately.

-I felt bad for shun the entire duel, my god it was cruel of reiji to pull this field up! its! fucking heartland city! AAUGH IM SAD TOO, SHUN.

-fucking . horrifying how desperate sora is to win. shun is fighting for resistance and for survival, sora is trying to prove he can easily 'hunt' xyz users…which, he obv Cant Easily Do, he gets Squished, loses, passes out and has to go to the hospital. thru out this ordeal yuya and co are becoming progressively more horrified, but still care for their friend! awful awful painful to watch. but also, they might be the only ppl sora has in this dimension and I think. i think we can Fix Him. hes YOUNG we can FIX that mindset, right…or am I being too optimistic. idk the way it was framed and how much yuzu and yuya care abt him…I feel like he'll be helped (I hope??? child soldiers bad)

-the next ep opens with yuya, gongenzaka and yuzu actually TALKING ABOUT ALL THIS, swapping info, and thank GOD for that!!!! I felt like yuzu was the only one of them involved heavily in the main plot for a while there!!! yuya was actually pretty serious about it, which is Nice to see (again, hes starting to feel more like a 'protag' to me now…)

-sora and yuto confrontation leads to an escape from the hospital and a duel, of course…that shun doesnt WANT to continue bc sora is obviously! hurt! and yuto isnt HEARTLESS. sora is desperate to Prove Himself (making me wonder if academia punishes ppl who dont…do well or agree to help them…) and fucking yuya finally steps in to help. altho given the context clues. well buddy it doesnt sound like soras on the Correct Side! it sounds like! hes the bad guy here! (or, raised in that mindset at least, not the main bad guy but def needs to be treated carefully) n u shouldnt be dueling yuto at all bc u dont understand the situation!! AUGH. I GET it tho, the little blue freeloader has been eatin pancakes with u everyday for how long,, hes grown on ME TOO SO I CANT SAY ANYTHING. AUGH.

-sora got Sucked Back to fusion dimension bc his identity was compromised. THATS why he couldnt tell anyone! actually very understandable.

-yuto and yuya stopped their duel, realizing they have absolutely NO reason to fight, and yuto was very reasonable and explained everything! im shocked at the straightforward answers to a lot of my questions (I still have a lot more…interesting yuya's dimension is 'standard'…hm)

-they analyzed soras memories without consent while he was unconscious………………dude. dont DO THAT!!!

-banana hair is here! on a bike! I'm a lil confused at synchro's role in the war? they were recruited by fusion?? to help crush xyz?? or just yugo was?? or its a misunderstanding somehow bc they both seem to think the other stole something (someone, right?)... is my ASSUMPTION (at the start of 37 as I type this) which is…ok, reiji's dad is behind it for Some Reason. Why? why just target xyz?

-also where is dm in all of this? (…ok I have a THEORY with NO basis, that arc v/standard dimension is the direct branch of dm but years later. NO basis for this but it would explain where dm fits in, maybe? like arc v being an alternate branch instead of gx, and gx being the actual odd one out on the timeline?? I dont KNOW yet. I think zexal implied 5ds never happened at one point, right?? VERY confused LMAO)

-yugo? (sub says HYUGO which is very funny to me, I know theyre all yu-boys tho. cant fool me) is SILLY.

-ok, theres def four yuya-lookalikes (and yuzu, based on the ruri stuff). I've seen their designs before so I knew that obv, and one for every dimension. why…? whenever they summon their lil dragons and those start resonating they start to go. um. murder-y! yuya snapped yuto out of it, but STILL. I'm assuming this has something to do with…why theres four lookalikes, and yuzu and yuya's Magic Accessories. somehow. I assume maybe…not everyone has alternate dimension counterparts, maybe the accessories have a lot to do with it (~dimension magic~ ??) and them being too close starts to make them go a lil. crazy. (like. saying destroy everything jkdafjk) bc theyre all diff versions of the same person? like just born into diff dimensions. (insert trust no one not even urself memes here lol) and they have diff personalities based on their diff lives/families ofc…this is my theory For Now. lets see yuzu and ruri get close together to see if they also go crazy or What. I Am Waiting

-….yuto didnt DIE die just now right? he vanished. maybe he went back to his home dimension. it LOOKED like a death scene, but my god its ep 37! out of 150ish! he was set up as a main player right?? hes not DEAD dead??? yuya passed out for TWOOOO DAYS AFTER WITNESSING THIS???? he has the constitution of a sickly victorian maiden. (but also, is he just in his room and NOT A HOSPITAL??? HES IN A COMA!!! take him to the hospital tf!!! why are they entertaining meirus crystal spiritual healing!!! )

-oh my god YUZU is the one the bad guy wants? shes an important PIECE. NOT YUYA. AGAIN MAIN CHARACTER STATUSSSS I KEEP SAYING IT BUT. SHES SO IMPORTANT. (can I assume this shadowy bad guy figure is reijis dad? like thats gotta be, right)

-omg last yuya lookalike from fusion dimension is SQUIRRELY EVIL YUYA. I love this flavor of character I can tell just from his vibes hes fun. and hes pink and purbly. good! (LMAO at them translating his name as joeri. its yuri right? theyre all yu-names, furthering my idea theyre all the protags of their dimensions lol)

-…i forgot the maiami championship was even happening LMAO would yuya and yuzu just not have participated further if he stayed in a coma??

-….sora being like 'PLEASE PLEASE LET ME GO BACK TO STANDARD I WANT TO MURDER REFUGEES FROM XYZ SOOO BAD' while on some kind of medical table is. so. like do I laugh or cry about this KJHJSDJ

-SORRY BUT YAIBAS 4 SECOND LONG DUEL?? WAS SO FUNNY. GUY WHO JUST BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF YOU WHILE PLAYING A CARD GAME. SURE!!! OK. guess THATS not against the rules! THEY HAD TO CARRY HIM AWAY ON A STRETCHER. and yuya duels this dude next…I hope yuya returns that energy LMAO

-HEY what the HELL yuya is not responsible for your issues kachidoki LMAO how is it his fault he was having fun with his dad as a kid and you werent?? big jealousy match (also, what the hell @ his sensei telling him he wont have 'childish or fun' duels…when he looked like, 5? HES A BABY AND ITS A GAME SIR)

-'so far you've been walking a sunny path without a single shadow' my god dude, just bc yuya SEEMS happy doesnt mean he has no problems? he HELD A BOY WHO DIED(?) IN HIS ARMS 2 DAYS PRIOR TO THIS DUEL. HES GOT AN INTER-DIMENSIONAL MYSTERY ABOUT HIS LOOKALIKES. POTENTIAL DIMENSIONAL WAR TO DEAL WITH. HIS DAD WENT MISSING WHEN HE WAS A KID!! HES GOT!! PLENTY OF ISSUES!!!

-just as I type that. yuya is having a fucking TRIP about yuto and. looks fucking POSSESSED. RED EYES GLOWING HAIR UP. DID YUTO POSSESS HIM?? WHAT THE HELL. yugioh standard I Guess but is yuto for real just a spirit now?? LIKE, did he ACTUALLY KIND OF DIE DIE. UNSETTLED. (yaaaay xyz protag moment tho ^_^) I guess protags going dark/having a dark side IS ygo standard, theyve all been there! (I mean, ik about vrains, go rush or sevens yet…but up until arc v its been a consistent!) yuto was def not THAT level of scary tho (except when the dragons were resonating and he was all 'destroy everything . um.)

-lmaoooo kachidoki rly got what he asked for. he said ur gonna taste the darkness. and YUYA WENT FULL RUTHLESS SCARY MODE. GOT EM SO FAST. yes yuya everyone is scared of you a little bit HOWEVER consider that I LIKE scary characters who are a Bit Fucked up. keep it up bestie

-my god reiji is basically holding shun hostage, not letting him do anything, or not telling him abt yuto's duel disk being found….mean!

-we're 40 eps in and I still have SO many questions. however we must pause the plot for MAGICAL IDOL GIRL DUEL. SHES SO CUTE!!!!! girl duelists > everyone else. of course we dont get to see yuzus duel, we cut to reiji dueling some rando guard of not yuzu's while not yuzu stands to the side. very cool how they keep not letting the girls do Anything

-reiji is like 'yo why da hells there (2) of yuzu too' me too bud go solve mysteries for me scooby doo!

-very nice how reiji is like 'seal this area and dont let anyone enter until I say so' while theres danger, like, feels like he actually gives a shit despite his cool and levelheaded personality, which is nice. hes not gonna be my number one probably, but I do rly like him as a character so far… (except when he chose heartland field for shun, that was FUCKED up and I still cant tell if he was being sincere in thinking shun would like it or purposely being an asshole…)

-oh my god its not ruri this girl is named serena. JSDFKDJF WELL. IN MY DEFENSE. I MAY BE STUPID. I was prepared to type a full paragraph abt how its so scary academia seems to have taken ruri and brainwashed her so she'd think she was on their side,, and serena. is not ruri. theyre two diff characters. like I thought they were the same person. omg. I was just abt to type 'how does anyone genuinely mistake yuya for yuto theyre SO different looking' then I DO THIS. incredible! thats a great stopping place LMAO

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 1990 I’m still laying here in bed trying to suppress my desperation to have a child. Although I’m thrilled to go see my new niece I’m just so envious. I wish there was such an ability to make my desires come and go. If I could do that I’d not want to have a child and I’d not want to be a singer.

My parents really piss me off. Who the hell are they to judge people and tell them what they should and shouldn’t do? First, they raise their kids to accept people for the way they are (kind of), then turn around with this marriage and money is the only answer if you want a kid. And this shit that if a single parent has a kid they should all be taken away. Where should all these kids be taken to? Tammy was single when she had Lisa, but they were right there behind her all the way.

And Tammy pisses me off too, saying if Andy’s involved she’ll take the kid away. Then she turns around calling him a fag, but it’s ok that I’m gay. You just can’t kidnap your sister’s kid and say to the police or whoever that you did it cuz the father’s gay and that you’re pissed cuz he won’t drive your sister to your house. So I guess for both my sanity and physical safety and in order to save the kid in the same way, I just won’t have a kid.

Later…

Yes, of course, I’m still wide awake. Today I have to go get pig food and also for Gremlin and go to Food Mart. But first I have to go to SIS, not only to withdraw money but to also bitch about my ATM card. It hasn’t been working. Every time I go to use it, it gets spit back out at me. I tried to clean it too, like I was told but that’s not working. Maybe it’s scratched up.

Another thing I want to do is get something for Brenda for her b-day which is 10/2. She’ll be 31.

Also, I want to get something for the baby, like diapers or something.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 1990 Today I went for my audition and I bombed. It figures my allergies had to act up and I also was nervous and it showed. Brenda said that although I was a little nervous, I still sang well. She also said that the guy seemed a little high.

We met at the piano player’s house (Karin) who was so nice and looked very butchy, even though she’s married with kids. Also, one other girl auditioning that I met Monday night sounded even worse with allergies, too. You could tell by her just talking, but I didn’t hear her sing. The other girl I met last Monday night didn’t show up unless she came after I left. I left first cuz I was the first one to sing. Pat seems to really, really like this girl, too. He said he’d call me in a day or two, that I have a nice voice, but I’m not stupid. They usually never call back either way and of course he’s gonna say I have a nice voice whether I sucked or was great.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 1990 I had therapy today and a very odd, but interesting day last Monday. Well, Bill and I were sitting out on the back porch and he said he spoke to Arthur, his husband, who along with himself, decided I should be paid. When he was at Dunaeff, the Dunaeffs got a percentage of his pay. I don’t know how much I’m gonna get but he says he’ll figure it out and every week I’ll get a lesson and some cash. I told him any bit won’t hurt but at the moment I’ve nothing better to do and I love music. Andy felt that was great of him cuz most people would be selfish and keep all the money for themselves. He is so honest and trustworthy and it was so nice of him to take his time out (one of his students didn’t show up today anyway) to write directions for Brenda who took me to Haydenville.

Bill and I were looking in the Advocate when I saw this ad saying cabaret performers were needed along with people who could sing country music and were versatile. Over the phone, it turned out that Bill knows this guy whose name is Patrick. He’s a nice guy with a nice home, too.

Brenda took me to his house and two other girls were there, too. He showed us videotapes, publicity photos and well, there’s so much to explain so I’ll make it brief. They travel the east coast and do musicals at clubs in Northampton and sometimes cruises. He said the more abilities you’ve got, the better, such as Spanish, sign language, and the guitar. I could write forever about this, and while I’d rather be the singer with the band, this may be a good start and lots of fun. I love musicals cuz it’s so versatile with singing, acting, and dancing. I have to audition tomorrow, so again I’ll say that yes, it is a long shot if I get hired, but at least I’m trying rather than saying, fuck it, I won’t even audition.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1990 It’s always up and down, never one or the other. It’s back and forth between feeling good and feeling like shit. Physically, I mean. I’ve been feeling pretty shitty with congestion lately in the mornings. It’s pretty fucking scary, too. I feel trapped. Yes, you know I mean the ciggies.

I saw Dr. McGovern when Brenda had to get her shot. He said that despite the way my lungs feel, I look healthier than ever. He always thought I was attractive and he is a nice guy. Maybe he feels I look better cuz I’m still 5 pounds heavier than I’ve been in ages. 5 pounds is usually no big deal but, when you’re this short it sure is. It shows.

Mom and Dad are gonna be here on 10/12 and I’ve got plenty of other things to write about, but at the moment I’m just way too tired.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 1990 What a great change for the better I’ve had since last Sunday night. I’m writing this as I wait for Martha, so I may have to stop soon when she comes down to get me. The argument me and Brenda had was basically about our differences in opinions about relationships, but now that I look back at it, it really was so stupid. I also had PMS I guess and I still haven’t had my period yet, but I feel good mentally. I think that’s cuz I feel so much better physically.

The weather has been extremely cool. Fall’s here very early so maybe that means we’ll have a rough winter. I hope it snows a lot. Anyway, I can breathe!! What a relief.

The GYN went ok, but it hurt a little bit cuz I was tense and had only slept 4 hours the previous night.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1990 I am so fucking tired it’s amazing. Me and Brenda had an argument last night, but it was my fault. I’ll write more about it later. Meanwhile, my lungs are killing me. I’m so congested that it’s scaring me to death.

I’m also a little nerved up about the fact that I’ll be visiting the good old GYN soon.

I’m downtown now. Brenda’s seeing her therapist who’s up above Johnson’s Bookstore. She has an appointment at the same time I do.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1990 Well, I mailed my police exam application with my waiver fee. The exam’s on October 27th, but where and what time I do not know. Supposedly they’re going to mail a letter with the time and place listed. I sure hope it works out for once and I can truly say that I am really looking forward to this.

I’ve thought about this on and off and of course, I want to sing 10,000 times more, but as you can plainly see I’ve given up music. You just can’t make it without connections, money, and sex and I don’t have money or connections. Of course, sex is out of the question.

But would something like this, full of adventure and excitement, be meant to be any more than I once thought music was? What if they somehow do discriminate against me cuz I look so small and naïve, and cuz of my past? It did say on the instructions that they can dismiss you if they feel they don’t like you or that you’ll be no good. I know I’d be good at it, though, and so do other people who are gonna try to put me down and out big time, but if I get in that academy, well, they’re just not going to succeed.

Later…

Guess what! Early this morning my niece Sarah Elizabeth was born. That’s great, and I love all my nieces, but am I ever going to have one of my own? I doubt it. If I ever do, though, I’d have to abandon my whole family. That means move, get a PO box and a new phone number, etc. I don’t want to do all this till me and Brenda have been together a while and are married and we have the money to move and to start off with. She insists that with both our incomes combined we can easily survive. She’s going on disability, but she’s still gonna drive the cab. So that would be $1,040 of SS and SSI, plus her cab fares, but if I am in the academy at the time or working wherever doing whatever, then I’ll have to work around that. The reason for dumping my family is that if Mom wants to disown me, I’ll have beaten her to it. Also if they pull any shit with the state I’ll be avoiding that, so I can keep my health and also my mental sanity.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 1990 Yesterday I was fairly productive and I decided to put this cab thing on hold till I know what’s going on with the police officer exam I’m gonna be taking on October 27th. Filling out the application was fairly easy and what’s neat about it is that they have a waiver form that Brenda’s getting from City Hall which I forgot yesterday for $20. That’s the application fee. I know the test is gonna be 3-4 hours long and I only hope I don’t flunk it if they ask questions pertaining to math or something like that. If they ask something I either know nothing about or never understood then I’m doomed. They never tell you what’s gonna be on the test. I hope it’s multiple choices. It said that if you know other languages or have unique skills it’ll help your eligibility. I hope that wherever they’re having the test I can get there and I hope that if I ever did get into the academy I’ll have no problem with transportation. Also, I hope they’ll accept that I’ve only driven a few times since I got my license and that they’ll be patient and work with me on that.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 1990 Yesterday morning I called Fran who called Nervous at the Bucket of Suds where he’s now working. I didn’t say anything, but I got a hell of a great tape and made some super edits from it. Now both sides are complete of the edit tape so that’s 90 minutes of great edits.

Andy and I wish to hell Tracy would call us. We know she’s still living with these two gay guys she recently moved in with. Andy, Fran and I all got calls where this dirty song was playing and we know it was Tracy who knows all 3 of us. Also, both Fran and I have unlisted numbers.

In the early afternoon hours of yesterday, I spent a little time with Brenda, and Steve took out both my air conditioners. Thank God the temperature’s dropped.

They got a guard put in their cab which Kevin leases by the week cuz he got robbed and other drivers are getting robbed left and right. Brenda drives to support her kids and leases it from Kevin. Kevin drives at night and on weekends and he wants someone to drive on weekends for him. The thought of driving is scary even though I do know how. I’ve only driven a dozen times or less since I got my license when I was 21. Brenda can only train me for two weeks, then she’s not allowed in the cab with me. What if two weeks isn’t enough? Driving on the highway scares me and what if I had to drive all the way to Hartford like she did? I don’t know the roads as well as most people either being a passenger so long as I have. However, I really do want to conquer this fear as I know I’d be extremely proud of myself if I did, and God fucking knows I need the money. It’s under the table and I’m going stir-crazy just sitting here, and my sleeping schedule is really bizarre. I want to try to kick this fear. I’d feel so proud and productive and I know the longer I sit around the harder it’ll be, but I’ll make it.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 1990 Yesterday, Paula rang me at around 2pm. I was asleep but she left me a note saying to stop by cuz she wants to talk to me. I hope it’s nothing to do with money or her asking a favor of me that I really can’t or don’t want to do. Maybe she just wants to shoot the shit about life. You know, her son, her family, guys, her life. She mentioned something about moving. Or maybe she’ll come out and tell me she’s gay. Fat chance, but for some reason, I still, up to this day, wouldn’t be surprised if she is. Even Brenda suggested it. She is kind of masculine and if needed, ill-tempered, even though otherwise she’s feminine and pretty - her hair, her skin, her teeth, her eyes.

The night before last, me, Andy and Fran called Joe D, Nerv’s neighbor, and really got him, his niece and her fiancée going well. I made some fantastic edits out of them. So now I have side A and most of side B of a 90-minute tape filled with edits of a few strangers, me, Andy, Fran, Nervous, Tracy, Bobbie and my uncle, too.

Last night Brenda and I went to see The Exorcist 3. I never saw parts 1 and 2, but I wish I did.

Jai’s officially moved out and may God be with me and grant me yet another great neighbor as good as Nancy and Jai were and Steve and Brenda are. I hope it’s either a straight woman or a gay man. I don’t have to say why I don’t want a straight guy, but I don’t want it to be a gay woman that may, God forbid, be attractive that I can’t have or be ugly that wants me. I highly doubt either one could ever happen though cuz not too many ugly ones want me or if they do, they’re not usually a problem. Like men. Being persistent I mean. And as far as an attractive one - there are none.

[bandofchimeras]

posting a lot rn sorry Im gonna readmore this vent that is a standin for next therapy session

i have a lot of trauma from losing my last few housing situations over interpersonal conflict and not having enough money or being good at managing my money. I was too ashamed to ask for what I needed until it was desperate and I had no options.

I have big decisions to make that are producing so much anxiety. and am burnt out. but also grateful and astounded at the miracle that is life.

so can't handle small talk right now. my whole chest is splitting open with the need to be somewhere I feel loved and safe bc I know who tf I am now....but knowing I have to make these next moves out of my own initiative

somewhere deep in my brain I know this isn't all my fault but I had to stop victim thinking to get myself out of the Hole and consequently just Shut Up about the Pain

the last people I lived with really wanted me to shut up and conform perfectly to the anxiously controlled life they'd constructed bc I was there temporarily

and for my part I was in depression self centered funk and coming out of abuse too brainfoggerd to remember the rules

One of them is a former mutual and he was also a transmasc person I had a crush on and we had a short little Thing

what they ended up doing was 1000% shitty asshole stuff like kicking me out in the middle of winter after I communicated I was in too much pain from moving in and work, and requested a two week extension, and trying to charge me illegal "storage fees" when I needed time to get my stuff after being kicked out.

my discord friends had to help me parse that these people were not my friends and did not care about me at all. I thought they did. but the guilt they laid on thick and blamed me for their actions has been dragging around my ankles for awhile and I just want to shake it off, I want to be okay and not soaked in guilt like milk toast

the situation also led to my car being stolen, getting in a crash, my cats health severely declining until she passed away this spring. just fucking wrecking ball on everything I was attached to for any sort of comfort or sense of reality.

Right before that my long term job that was....dubiously ethical, my sort of boss fired me in a similarly guilting way, and similarly could see exactly why they had a problem with me but I just, at the time I simply could not show up how I needed to. Not killing myself was an accomplishment. And this boss was deeply prejudiced against autistic people despite running a group home. I genuinely hated her guts for how miserable she made everyone around her while also recognizing I wasn't doing much better.

anyways through this time period kitchen work has become this attachment that toughens me up and feels doable while my brain is inflamed, despite being shit for my disabled body. I can't shake free quite. I don't have a permanent house and all my friendships feel weird and troubled in that way only mutual survivors of emotionally neglectful or abusive families and religious trauma can, like every thing I do or say can be wrong, or isn't giving someone enough attention or isnt the response they want or is bad bad bad bad

and so yeah, making new friends is hard

letting people in feels impossible

looking for decent jobs too

I'm not a mess in the way I have been but it's all messy inside and I'm sad and tired and very hypersensitive to rejection, every day breaks and makes me again and I miss writing and loving and feeling good

I thought pride would be so fun and make me feel better. It was cool in a lot of ways, but also grimly corporate and fangless and expensive, there were a ton of missed connections and the couple I went with was being nitpicky and hurtful to each other and even at the club dressed to the nines and dancing my little gay heart out I felt disconnected and ignorable (maybe it's just a Seattle thing, moving from a small-town environment into big urban reminds you you're nothin special all in all) and couldn't see the magic

I miss my ex or at least keep seeing stuff that reminds me of caring about her in that specific way and the bridge we tried to build across everything despite it all and I know we still care about each other just couldn't stop the fucking awful Bullshit, moving on would be easier if I could just dismiss people entirely

and at work things started falling apart too, my boss got super guilt happy at overworked caregivers and I lost all respect for him and was mega triggered and posted about it and embarrassed myself. theyre more okay I guess but everyone seems so demoralized and worn down by being criticized and used up and overcharged and under loved and I don't want to give any more right now, I want to rest rest rest and make art and I can't let myself while I'm living in someone's living room and both of us are working around eachothers mood disorders

meanwhile my family while making progress is still on about how I have to accept criticism of my gender identity if I want to talk to them about the harm done by their religious ideology and MEANWHILE I develop deep feelings for yet another unavailable cis man for bare minimum shit

i don't know I guess it feels like other people know how to have friends and love and enjoy things and I am missing the boat and if I don't change something indistinguishable super fast, it will be too late for me and I will continue to ruin every good thing that comes my way and.magnetically attract trouble

and it doesn't help that my attempts to connect online also feel desperate and awkward like I'm really a sick puppy who wants headpats but aren't we all they say

some days I do think overall it would be easier to Kermit but I can't do that to my siblings AND there are many buoyantly beautiful things bout life I am looking forward to like top surgery and kissing boys like I mean it which someday will feel real and not like a knife twist in the chest

also I haven't got enough sleep lately and my period came back so hopefully this stupid shit is more bearable in a few days I'm just gonna watch OFMD and hug myself to sleep and literally kill anyone who is a hater about the tiny things that bring me joy bc I am fucking doing my best out here to stay afloat and not yuck other people's yums either

[stevethehairington]

KAY IM GONNA TELL YOU ANYWAY, SO HERE WE GO, STRAP IN:

eddie begins 2.0 — but this time, through the eyes of christopher. christopher, who is back in texas, back in the house eddie grew up in, back in the city eddie grew up in seeing the things eddie did, the places eddie went, when he was chris' age. christopher staying in eddie's old room, finding an old journal or old photos or just any old trinket and unlocking all these things he didn't know about his dad.

and, of course, through all of this, we get glimpses of eddie's childhood. of the household he was raised in. of eddie's sisters (PLEASE EDDIE'S SISTERS, I NEED TO SEE ADRI AND SOPHIA MORE THAN I NEED AIR OKAY), of eddie's parents. the beliefs they instilled and the values they impressed upon their children — you know the ones.

and then ALL of this is DIRECTLY PARALLELING with eddie's storyline in the present day — which is ALLLLL about him rediscovering himself, finding out WHO he is outside of being a father, a husband, a soldier, and most importantly, RELEARNING HIMSELF OUTSIDE OF THE CONTEXT OF HIS PARENTS AND THEIR STRICT TRADITIONAL BELIEFS.

and this episode comes directly AFTER the episode that contains the Big Moment That Makes Eddie Question His Sexuality (or — i say question, but let's be real, i am SURE he has some inkling already, he just ABSOLUTELY has not faced it. he ABSOLUTELY boxed that shit up before the thought could even be fully formed and he shoved it WAAAY into the deep dark (not so) forgotten recesses of his mind and REFUSED to ever touch it again — until whatever this moment is.

and it is the space eddie has in his life right now, with christopher gone, that he finally has time for himself, not to mention, the fact that not only does he need, but he wants to make himself better, for when chris comes back to him, and being honest with himself is the only way to do that. and so, it is finally the right time for eddie to take that box out and face what's inside.

cue therapy sessions, cue talks with hen and karen, cue a talk with bobby DEFINITELY.

and while i desperately want buck to be there every step of the way for eddie on this journey, i actually emphatically think that this is something eddie needs to do largely on his own. which — i know i just said he talks to hen and karen and bobby but like. they don't count the same way buck does for eddie, yknow? and i think. i think buck is SO important to eddie, and to this piece of eddie specifically, that i think eddie would be incredibly reserved about letting him in on it. becauuuuse — i think this would lead to capital R realizations for eddie, of the im in love with my best friend variety. and i think that would make including buck in this SO dangerous. because like. this is SO fragile, to eddie, and his relationship with buck is SO important to him, and this is something that CANNOT break, it CANNOT. and when eddie starts this journey he is still largely of the mindset that everything good in his life he ends up breaking, so he tells himself he HAS to get to a point where HE is good. where HE isn't going to break, because he CAN'T do that to buck.

and of course, eddie gets there. and he finally gets to the point where he can say it to himself — that he's gay, he can say those words and not feel shame. he can say those words and all he can feel is PRIDE for himself. and it is THEN that he shares this with the team. i'm thinking at the table in the firehouse over a homecooked meal. he tells them all at once, and then buck pulls him aside after, to yank him into the biggest fucking hug ever and whisper so reverently that he's so proud of eddie, and eddie almost cries right then and there — no, scratch that, he does cry. and so does buck.

and then the piece de resistance of the whole episode— hen and karen b e g to take eddie out to a gay club, and eddie gives in and agrees (probably mostly because buck is sitting there buzzing in his seat over the idea and is like eddie PLEASE that would be SO fun you're gonna LOVE IT). and so hen and karen and buck and eddie go to a gay club. and it's. the best fucking night. the best fucking night. and then — god i've had this VERY SPECIFIC SHOT in my head for MONTHS now, but i DESPERATELY need eddie in the middle of this gay club, the most free he has ever felt, with rainbow lights flashing over him and glitter in his mussed up hair and on his chest and his rosy cheeks and his eyes are closed, head tilted back up to the sky, with the biggest, brightest smile on his face. just the PICTURE of UTTER QUEER JOY. WHILE PINK PONY CLUB PLAYS OVER IT FJDJSK. AND JUST GAH. JUST THE QUEER JOY OF IT ALL!!!!!!

and then. there is buck, standing off to the side, watching eddie, and he's got the BIGGEST heart eyes ever, and his heart feels like it's going to explode out of his chest, with pride, with joy, with— with love. and T H I S is where we get the BUCK FEELINGS REALIZATION moment.

and then they all go home, and none of them drank that much, but buck still insists on driving eddie home, and when they get there eddie makes him come inside of course, and they find their way into the kitchen, AND THEN. AND THEN THEY HAVE THEIR SOFT, GENTLE LOVE CONFESSIONS, RIGHT THERE IN THE DIAZ KITCHEN WHERE THEY BELONG.

a n d t h e n — to put a cherry right on top of this beautiful, perfect sundae — right when they break apart from their first kiss, eddie's phone buzzes with a text.

it's from christopher.

he wants to come home.

who wants to hear my D R E A M episode pitch for s8?

[jaekaicx]

guess what i just played

[genderqueerpositivity]

I finished Irreversible Damage this weekend.

(All the TWs below)

I took notes in a tumblr post draft as I went, and it's a long mess that I'm not sure anyone wants to read. It might clean it up and post it as a review if anyone is interested.

Overall, it's a terrible book. There were a few passages that hit like a gut punch, but for the most part it wasn't a difficult read...because Shrier is so disconnected from the reality of what it is to be a transmasculine person. That book is not representative of the transmasculine experience, I'm not represented in the pages of that book.

It's about us, without us. (And no, I don't--and won't--count Buck Angel as representation of the average transmasculine experience.) Apart from a few cherry picked words from trans Youtubers and a handful of detransitioners, this book is led by the stories of anti-trans parents--this book isn't about the transmasculine experience, it's about the transphobic parent experience.

It's anti-transmasculine propaganda...and worse, the further into the book you read, the more obvious it is that the book is intended to function as a guide for parents to practice DIY conversion therapy. This is literally a guidebook on how to abuse your trans child.

Isolate them (literally move across the country if needed, states without laws that protect trans people are strongly recommended), separate them from their trans friends or other affirming people in their lives, prevent them from having access to phones or internet, never ever use their correct name or pronouns, force them to do manual labor or physical activity if possible, take away or destroy their gender affirming clothing or binders, and make the home "private" again (in other words, never let anyone find out that your child is trans or what you are doing to your child because of their transness).

If there is anyone who believes that transmasculine people don't experience a very distinct and specific form of transphobia, I would ask them to read this book.

The kind of transphobia that trans men and transmasc people face intersects heavily with ableism and sexism. Transmasculine people are heavily infantilized; it's shocking (but not surprising) how...paternalistic an attitude this book takes towards both teenage girls and women and transmasculine people, including trans people who are legally adults. It is clear that Shrier does not think highly of teenage girls and young women...they are easily misled and easily confused, lonely and desperate and self-hating, incapable of separating emotion from reality, easily influenced by social media and peers.

Shrier encourages parents to exert as much control over the lives of their legally adult trans children as possible, and to use any potential leverage available to manipulate trans adults into stopping their transition. It's obvious that Shrier doesn't view trans adults as actual adults at all, but as childish individuals who are mentally/emotionally/neurologically underdeveloped. Any neurodivergence, mental illness, or history of trauma adds tax, and is proof that a person isn't mentally competent to transition.

It is also obvious that the potential future fertility of any transmasculine person is valued more greatly than our personhood, bodily autonomy, or mental health. At no point is it ever stated that child-bearing or motherhood are optional. The possible loss of fertility is the "irreversible damage"...and whether that potential fertility is even wanted by the trans person in question isn't relevant.

There are some other WTF moments in this book too. Shrier doesn't believe that spiritual abuse is real, rather it is nonsense invented by "gender ideologues" in order to accuse Good Christian parents of abuse. Shrier comes across as anti-therapy and anti-mental health medication; she downplays depression as "the blues" and anxiety as "nerves", and goes on to suggest that those who take antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications are looking for an easy way out and simply trying to medicate away normal human emotions. She openly opposes conversion therapy bans that prevent the practice of conversion therapy against trans people, and she opposes school anti-bullying programs that teach LGBT+ acceptance.

This book is also anti-queer, anti-pansexual, anti-asexual, and to a point anti-bisexual. Shrier is clearly obsessed with the amount of sex that trans people (including minors, there are some really gross statements in this book) are or aren't having; because so many trans people identify as asexual, at one point she refers to the trans community as a "cult of asexuality". Bisexuality is considered a phase of normal teenage exploration on the way to developing an either straight or lesbian/gay identity. And if you think that lesbian/gay teens and young adults get a break in this book, you're wrong: Shrier discourages parents from affirming their gay and lesbian teens and she is clearly against GSA's in schools.

I could keep going for a long time, but I won't.

Anyway, after reading that fucking disaster, I've just started Detransition, Baby and I'm waiting and hoping for it to get good; the first ~60 pages are kind of slow-moving, more words than plot. I am interested to see where it goes though!

[handsmotif]

The Queercoding of Pinky and the Brain

This originally was just me infodumping to my friends on discord, but I decided it might be interesting to some people on here, so I polished it up and made it an actual essay lmao

To start, we’re going to break this into 2 sections -- the relationship between the mice, and Pinky’s relationship with gender, because queercoding doesn’t just mean gay!

For a 90′s show, Pinky and the Brain (and its mother show, Animaniacs) was very progressive for its time! But there were still lots of things that they couldn’t slip by censors, and thus, that’s where we have to read between the lines. And that is something I wanted to clarify here before we dive in, the actual meaning of queercoding. It’s NOT the same as queerbaiting. Queerbaiting is when the people producing certain media purposefully dangle the possibility of queer representation to lure in audiences (most prominent examples are BBC Sherlock, Riverdale, and Supernatural I GUESS? who knows abt that last one anymore), but never follow through, purely for profit. Queercoding is when media producers WANT to write in queer representation, but can’t, usually because the censors won’t let them. So, they must resort to subtext. (example: the policemen from Gravity Falls) It could also be unintentional, simply assigning certain characteristics associated with the LGBT community to characters. (example: Bugs Bunny, many Disney villains) Either way, it heavily relies on the audience picking up subtext, but whether it’s malicious or not varies, depending on the media. Bugs Bunny is an example of positive accidental queercoding, while a lot of Disney villains are negative examples.

Now, to actually discuss the gay little mice! Pinky and the Brain, whether it be intentional or not (based off comments from Maurice LaMarche, Rob Paulsen, and Tom Ruegger, signs strongly point to intentional, but it’s never been explicitly confirmed), is an example of positive queercoding.

There are many moments that I could pick out to discuss here, but we’ll start with some VERY on the nose gay metaphors. 

Remember Romy? If you don’t, that’s their actual biological son! Romy came about due to a cloning accident, where their DNA got combined and spat him out. 

There’s SO many things I could say about Romy. Every appearance he makes has an overarching gay metaphor as the plot. His first appearance in the episode Brinky (yeah it’s literally titled their ship name), it deals with his dads (WHICH I ALSO WANT TO POINT OUT, he DOES call them both dad, and they do both call him their son) disapproving of the fact that he wants to leave home and not follow in their footsteps of taking over the world. Brain even goes as far as disowning him whenever he tells him, which is certainly something a lot of queer people can unfortunately relate to. Also seen a lot in this episode is Pinky and Brain arguing even more than a married couple than usual, which pushes Romy away even further. Later, when Romy eventually does leave, and Brain starts to regret chasing him away, he tries desperately to reach out to him, but Romy doesn’t want anything to do with him. They end up tracking him down to an apartment building, where Romy is now living with his human girlfriend. When questioned about their relationship, the girlfriend, named Bunny, goes off on a tangent about how people shouldn’t judge others based on labels or relationships (hello?), and that Brain needs to be more tolerant. Brain apologizes and Romy forgives him. Happy ending.

Romy’s only other appearance is in the comics. Essentially, the plot of this one is that Brain wants to become the president of the local high school’s PTA, but he needs Romy’s help to make it look like he has a normal home life. He also enlists the help of Billie, the obligatory Woman introduced to make sure Brain doesn’t look as gay as he actually is, that he has a crush on. She pretends to be his girlfriend, and Pinky pretends to be Romy’s uncle, while they make up the story that Romy’s actual mother was lost at sea. Because if the organization found out that Brain has a son with a MAN??? THINK of the controversy! Anyway, the plan works, and Brain actually manages to get elected as president. Throughout this though, Pinky gets WEIRDLY jealous that Brain keeps brushing him aside for Billie. To the point where during Brain’s inauguration, Pinky actually dresses up as the wife/mother lost at sea and storms into the room.

[ID: Comic panels of Pinky, Brain, and Romy on stage at the inauguration ceremony. Pinky busts into room wearing drag, saying, “Yoo hoo! I’m back from years lost at sea to be with my son and ungrateful husband! Narf!” He then hugs Romy, while glaring at Brain. He goes on to say, “I’ll stand by your side, even though you left me behind!” The people in the audience begin to question this, saying, “Oh great fuzzy bangs!”, “What’d she say?!”, “He deserted her to be with that other woman!”, “What kind of monster is he?!��. Brain then rips off Pinky’s wig and says, “This isn’t my wife! This isn’t even a woman! It’s my roommate, Pinky.” Pinky replies, “Well, yes... But Romy really is my son! Poit!” And Brain responds, “N-Nonsense! He’s my son!” More people in the audience angrily speak up, saying, “What’s that?”, “He lives with a guy who likes to dress up in women’s clothing and the both claim to be that kid’s father!”, “Grumble! Mutter!” /END ID]

Needless to say, this doesn’t end well for them. What we can conclude from this is that homophobia exists in the Pinky and the Brain universe, and our characters are directly affected by it.

Moving on, And-There-Was-Only-One-Bed is a pretty common occurrence with these two. Their cage is big, they have plenty of room for two beds, but? They choose to sleep together? Even in some times where this has been inconsistent and they DO have separate beds, they’re always RIGHT next to each other. (what if we put our minecraft beds together ❤😳)

I would like to mention the episode, You’ll Never Eat Food Pellets In This Town Again! This episode is interesting to say the least. Deals with a lot of the meta of the show. Anyway. In this episode, Brain has a nightmare that he’s in a loveless marriage with Billie. You know, the woman he’s supposed to have a crush on. In the end, he wakes up from the nightmare in the same bed as Pinky.

Speaking of female love interests, Pinky is seen having multiple relationships with characters of different species. Any time this is brought up by Brain, Pinky counters with Brain being too intolerant. An honorable mention with this is in Wakko’s Wish, when Pinky is with Pharfignewton, and Brain’s constant pestering about their relationship could be read as jealousy. Pinky needs a mousy date, after all!

Something else I would like to mention is in one episode (I forget what it’s called, I’ll try to look it up later and edit this), Brain is applying for a job. The employer asks Brain if he’s married, and Brain hesitates before saying he “has a roommate,” but that he’s occupied with his own things, which then cuts to a shot of Pinky applying lipstick.

Leading into part two of this essay, Pinky’s relationship with gender! Pinky has always been very gender nonconforming, and loves to wear dresses, do his makeup, and make himself look pretty. For the most part, this is played pretty straight, and not as a gag, like a lot of shows tend to do! It’s just a casual fact about him that he likes to present femininely sometimes.

This does play into their taking over the world plans pretty often, where Pinky wears drag, usually either to sneak into somewhere. Like in one of their earliest appearances on Animaniacs, Noah’s Lark, where they pose as a couple to board Noah’s, and I quote, “love boat.” After boarding, Noah says to himself, “Who am I to judge?” Okay. Yeah. Alright. Anyway.

I actually had less to say on this than I thought I did, but I wanted to make sure to emphasize that Pinky at the very least is coded as being Not Quite Cis, and that he’s played a key part in helping a lot of people watching the show figure out that they’re also Not Quite Cis. 

Wrapping this up because I’m hungry, but I want to throw in some more honorable mentions that I really do not see any type of cishet explanations for:

They literally go on a romantic date at a very fancy restaurant in Brain’s Night Off. This is played extremely casually, and the only remark from anyone that they receive is that they are “much smaller than the usual clients.”

Pinky, on at least one occasion, daydreams about him and Brain being a married couple, and wanting to be a housewife (the original malewife ❤)

There’s an issue in the comics where Pinky has a crush on another male mouse, and when Brain gets annoyed, Pinky reassures him that he thinks Brain is cute and quite the catch too

Brain attempting to kiss Pinky in the reboot??????

Brain actually did conquer the world once in the Halloween special, because Pinky made a deal with the devil for it, and thus Pinky got sent to hell! Brain actually went to hell and gave up the world to bring him back

Brain was extremely close to conquering the world once more in the Christmas special, but after reading what Pinky’s feelings for him were (nothing romantic, just Pinky basically just praising Brain for being so hardworking and an amazing mouse, and lamenting that he never gets anything for it), he gets so emotional that he sabotages himself and wishes everyone a Merry Christmas instead

TLDR; these mice are very queer and need therapy, and are probably the most heavily queercoded characters that I can think of in children’s media.

[ah-ga-seven]

Till The End of Summer - Chapter 14 (The Finale)

>> series masterlist <<

Pairing: Choi Yeonjun x Reader

In a Nutshell: College!AU, Rich Kids, Friends to Lovers, Fuckboy athlete Yeonjun, Overprotective Best friend Soobin, contains all of TXT and other Idol cameos, Omnipresent perspective.

Synopsis: You and Yeonjun are caught up in a cat and mouse game because of unspoken feelings and endless pining for each others’ attention. With the summer break approaching and lots of college parties, will you finally get a chance to explore your feelings for each other; even though the world and Yeonjun’s reputation makes things complicated?

Word count: 12,3K

Idol Cameos: NCT Johnny, ITZY Ryujin, ATEEZ Wooyoung, Stray Kids Hyunjin, Enhyphen Sunghoon, Heesung and Jay.

Genre:  Fluff, SMUT, angst if you squint.

Warnings: explicit mature content, I put a bolded warning sign at the start and end of it so you can skip through if you want.

Month 1.

Yeonjun went back home to save the reputation of Choi Enterprises by dealing with Lita’s attempt to overthrow him and his mother.  

Apparently, she did a lot more than the things she was locked up for initially. 

Lita and her husband bribed members of the board, making promises they obviously couldn’t keep. “When we have the company, the world is yours” but those days never came. and the board members that were bribed were fired effective immediately.

Each and every one of them got disposed of, with their assets included like they were last weeks’ trash. And if that wasn’t enough, Lita’s unjustified psychosis stemmed from the fact that she used to sleep with Yeonjun’s father. Lita felt like she was entitled to the Choi’s fortunes because according to her; the only woman Daniel Choi ever loved, was her.  

The revelation had Yeonjun sick to his stomach as he sat next to his mother in court. Lita looked at him with pleading eyes, claiming to really love him as her own son before the judge announced her 15-year prison sentence for fraud, spying, embezzlement, and attempted murder.

Somehow Yeonjun felt nothing as he looked at her. He really didn’t. If anything, he was glad to close this chapter of his life for good, and look ahead of the road to recovering his soul.

You, on the other hand, were completely overwhelmed with your new surroundings. You threw yourself into your work to forget about your heartache and didn’t dare to talk to Yeonjun in case it’d open up your wounds again. It would cause for you to lose focus, and you simply couldn’t afford that distraction right now.

Month 2

The first month passed without any contact between the two of you, but that changed when you wished him a happy birthday. His heart thumped in his chest on his way to his 6th therapy session as he looked at your message. 

He was even more surprised to see that you sent him a cute card with a Polaroid picture of the two of you; all happy and smiley in the park.  

It was reassuring to him that you were still thinking of him, and that you hadn’t completely forgotten about him or moved on so easily, because lord knows he hadn’t.

When you asked him about Lita’s trial a few days after his birthday, you two started to slowly talk again from time to time. You’d check up on each other and made small talk, but it was nothing like it used to be.  

There was no depth, and the core of your conversations always had to do with how both of your studies were going, if you were taking care of yourselves or if you’ve had dinner already.  

You both figured it was for the better this way, otherwise your break up would have been for nothing if you didn’t use this time apart from each other to heal, especially since you promised to be better individually so you could be even better together.

If that was still what both of you wanted upon your return of course.

He missed you so much, and he was finding it incredibly hard not to check your socials at least once a day, especially when he realized how male-dominated your studies were at Brown.

Your Instagram feed and stories indicated that you were having the time of your life when you could. You were happy despite the crazy hours you spent in a lab with your research team. A team that quickly became your new group of friends at the University.  

There were 2 other guys and one other girl in your team. The girl’s name was Giselle, you seemed to be the closest to her out of all of them. One of the guys was named Chanhee who was quite obviously gay, therefore not a threat. But the second guy, Hwang Hyunjin… let's just say that Yeonjun wasn't a fan.

Month 3

Your almost daily texts and calls with your friends back home started to shift to communication on a weekly basis.  

It was hard to keep up with your friends back home while having to entertain a new friend group here, all while you spent hours upon hours in the lab, working on a possible treatment for neurological disorders.  

You knew that whatever you were getting yourself into with this exchange was going to be hard, but you didn’t imagine it to be this hard and frankly, you were feeling incredibly homesick by now.

You missed Soobin, the boys, Mia…Yeonjun. And one time when you came home at 10 PM after a long day that started at 8 AM; you broke down on the phone when Soobin called to check in on you.

He was so shocked at your tears that he was ready to jump on a plane, but you stopped him from doing so. Knowing that you needed to push through and confide in the friends you made, whom you’ve started to hang out with a lot more, especially with Hyunjin.  

He reminded you a lot of Soobin, the way he was gentle yet in for dumb shit matched well with your own personality, and hanging out with him felt liberating. He introduced you to his friends and spent time with you and your lab partner and roommate Giselle whenever he could, which made your time at Brown a lot more bearable than you had anticipated.

Yeonjun was slowly starting to enjoy life again. He caught up with his studies, kept going to therapy, had regular calls with his mother, and spent time with his friends whenever he could. He started to pick up his neglected hobby of dancing again, finding comfort in the art form with Wooyoung and his crew.

Month 4

Yeonjun’s mother sold Choi Enterprises. She was completely done with the company as it wasn’t hers to begin with. The stock prices had risen for the first time since Daniel’s death paired with the whole Lita ordeal, so she took the chance to get rid of her past with a simple transaction.

She consulted Yeonjun about selling the company and the house he grew up in, for which he agreed, glad that they could finally close that dark chapter of their lives while getting a fresh start with new surroundings.  

With all of this newly acquired money, she opened a new headquarters of her own luxury fashion brand, closer to Yeonjun; only an hour away to be exact.  

She was determined to be a better mother and get to know her son, and the only way to do so was by actually trying. He was happier now that the burden of having to take over Choi Enterprises one day fell off of his shoulders.  

For the first time in a long time, he held the reigns to his own future again and his mother assured him that she’d support whatever he wanted to do in life both mentally and financially.

From there on out things started to look up for them.  

They went on café dates every Sunday, and sometimes he’d visit her for an entire weekend where they would bond by cooking or shopping together. 

During one visit, Yeonjun helped her pick some pieces for Fashion week, which made her pleasantly surprised by Yeonjun’s out of the box and daring passion for fashion. She suggested he’d take a minor in fashion design next to his regular Business studies and after giving it a good thought, he did, enjoying it a little more than he thought he would.

Month 5

You were doing better too. The hard part of your research was over with, and you had a well-deserved break which you spent with Giselle, Chanhee, and Hyunjin. You decided on having a mini-vacation and go sightseeing, rent an Airbnb somewhere in the state, and just chill.

Everything was fine until the last night of your trip, where you got shitfaced drunk and ended up sleeping with Hyunjin.  

You were single, so there was no reason to feel guilty, especially since the last time you even talked to Yeonjun was over a month ago, yet you still did.  

Of course, you had to talk to Mia about it, who only told you to remember that when you’d return in a month; you’d probably never see Hyunjin again, and that was enough for you to start distancing yourself from him.

The guy obviously had feelings for you, and you felt bad for friend-zoning him after being intimate with him, but the fact of the matter was that you just didn’t feel the same way about him. None of it would matter in a few weeks anyway, because you’d be heading back home, to your friends...and to Yeonjun.

Month 6  

Brown had offered you to stay and finish your studies at their facilities but you kindly declined. The experience was great, but you couldn’t put yourself through one more year of this type of curriculum, and you desperately wanted to see your friends' faces again by going back to the place you’ve called home for the past three years.

To your new-found friends’ disappointment, you were getting ready to leave as the weeks passed, packing your things little by little and meeting up with all of the people you met one last time before parting ways for good.  

It felt bittersweet though. Not only did you learn a lot about neuroscience, but you learned a lot about yourself as well. You grew as a person, matured, and blossomed by being more independent. Not having Soobin or your other friends to fall back on really pushed you to become more self-dependent, which was one of the perks of being away from them for so long.

You respected yourself and put yourself first and promised that that’d be a piece of knowledge that you’d be taking back home too.

Now.

Yeonjun couldn’t believe half a year had passed already. But what he really couldn’t believe was that he’d be seeing you again tonight.  

He stood in your apartment with the guys and Mia, organizing your things and cleaning up the place for your surprise welcome home party. Being in there felt weird, almost foreign to be exact.

It’d been half a year since he stepped foot in here, and even though you were gone for so long, the place still smelled like you. If it wasn’t for the empty shelves, missing bedsheets, and plastic covers over your furniture; it’d almost seem like you never really left.

He opened your bedroom door to see Mia struggling to make your bed and chuckled lightly at the sight. He walked over to her, grabbing the other ends of the sheets to help her out.

Mia gave him a faint smile and stopped her movements for a second to look at Yeonjun. “Are you excited?” She asks with a big smile. Lord knows she was, her best friend was finally coming back but Yeonjun didn’t really know how to answer Mia’s question.

“More nervous than excited. We checked up on each other from time to time but it’s not like we really talked or anything.”

Mia pouted at Yeonjun’s insecure facial expression. One she hasn’t seen from him that often. Especially lately. Mia and Yeonjun have gotten a lot closer in the past six months, which was a nice change for the both of them.

“It’ll be fine. Don’t worry. You’re not the same Yeonjun you were six months ago. And that’s a good thing. She’ll appreciate the change.”

“Gee, thanks.” Yeonjun snickers as he throws a pillow at Mia’s head. It hit her straight in the face, messing up her hair which made both of them erupt in loud laughter.

“Asshole,” Mia says straightening out her hair.

“What’s going on here?” Soobin asks with a big smile on his face as he enters your room.

Soobin hasn’t been able to wipe that damn grin off of his face all day. He was so excited for you to come back and honestly the mood with the boys and with Mia has been amazing lately.  

“Yeonjun is back to his old ways,” Mia argues as she tries to throw the pillow back at him, but Yeonjun swiftly caught it, giggling to himself as he fixes it before putting it back on your bed, where it belongs.

“Well, quit messing around and hurry the fuck up, I’m picking her up in an hour.” Soobin says clapping his hands together to try and give orders, but neither Yeonjun nor Mia were phased by Soobin’s attempt to assert dominance. Both of them rolled their eyes before getting back to the task of making your bed.  

It was adorable how stressed yet giddy Soobin was to see you again. Everything had to be perfect before you arrived so he could relax and make sure you’ll be able to relax after your flight too.  

He ran around your apartment like a stressed mother; making sure the boys weren’t messing around too much so that everything planned out smoothly before the guests arrived.

Soobin waited for you patiently…at the wrong exit.

You immediately recognized his tall form when you were skimming the crowd, wondering why he wasn’t there yet, but when you saw his back facing the wrong arrival hall; you knew enough.  

It’s so Soobin of him to face the wrong way. You smile to yourself as it gave you the perfect opportunity to scare him.

You chuckle as you walk towards him while pulling your suitcase with you. He was concentrated on the people exiting the gates, hoping to see you and growing more and more restless as you didn’t show up, but little did he know, you were right behind him.

“Who are we waiting for?” You ask in a serious tone as you stood beside him with your arms crossed while following his gaze onto the crowd.

Soobin’s head snapped into your direction so fast you swore you heard a bone crack.  

His eyes widened before he smacked his bunny-like lips in confusion, looking you up and down before a huge smile crept upon his face that you could only mimic.  

“YOU’RE HERE!” Soobin shouts in shock, relief, and joy at the same time while pulling you in for a tight hug. He inhaled your scent while twirling you around, and all you could do was giggle as he smothered you in his hold.

God, you missed him, and judging from the way he wasn’t letting go of you, you could tell he missed you too.

“Ugh, I missed you so much. How was your flight? And look at you! Did you change up your hair? You look good, happy, healthy. Ugh.”  

You couldn’t even respond to anything he was saying as he wrapped you into his arms again. Normally you’d fight him for being so clingy, but this time you let him have his way for a few seconds…until it got hard to breathe.

“Soobin, I can’t breathe.” You protest softly as you tap his chest to let go which made him laugh in response, holding you at an arms-length. “Sorry y/n. I just…we’re never separating for that long ever again,” he says with a serious yet playful look on his face.

“Agreed.” you beam up at him as you link arms, walking towards the exit.

“Did you have a good flight?” he asks as he pets your hair, not believing that you were standing next to him right now.  

“Mmh, there was some turbulence so I couldn’t really rest. I can’t wait till I’m home again so I can sleep,” you mumble before you let out a yawn as you drag your feet on the tiled floor of the airport.

Soobin gulped. He didn’t know how you’d feel about the hoard of people in your apartment right now, all ready to celebrate your return when all you really wanted was to get some rest after your long travels.  

He felt guilty for a second but also knew that you’d probably forget all about your tiredness when you’ll see all of your friends again.

“Uhm, the car isn’t that far. Give me that,” he says as he takes your suitcase from your hold.

“Everyone quiet down! They’re coming up right now!” Taehyun announces while he cut the music.

Everyone frantically found a spot to hide. Some giggled as it got dark, some held on to each other cause they couldn’t see shit and some were nervous wrecks like Yeonjun.

You weren’t suspecting anything as you dragged your feet to your apartment. Soobin was acting weirder and weirder; fumbling with his keys, dropping shit, and constantly checking his phone, but you were too dense and tired to notice.

You struggle with your lock and let out a yawn. Soobin stood closely behind you, taking a deep breath as the door swung open.

Before you could even close the door behind you or find the light switch, all of the lights turned on in an instant, followed by a loud ‘SURPISE’ yelled out by at least two dozen people who were occupying your living space.

You flinch, your eyes nearly popping out of your skull and stumble backward, just so your back could hit Soobin’s tall form.

He laughed hysterically clapping his hands together like a seal, followed by everyone in the room.

“Oh my god.” Is the only thing that you were able to get out as you covered your face at the overwhelming sensation.

You didn’t even realize you had this many friends? I mean you knew all of them of course, but you didn’t comprehend the fact that they were all here to welcome you back.

The music turned back on and Mia was the first one to launch herself into your arms which had you immediately defrosting in her hold.

‘BITCH!!!” she yelped. “I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.”  

She clung onto you and twirled you around making the adrenaline and confusion in your body shift to pure happiness at seeing their faces again.

You can’t believe they did this, and suddenly you don’t feel tired anymore.

“Y/N!” Beomgyu squealed your name as he hugged you, followed by Taehyun and Hueningkai who all patiently waited until it was their turn to hug you.

You were so caught up in shock and bombarded with love, that you didn't have time to scan the room for other familiar faces. Instead, you just let them come to you one by one as you stood glued to the floor, smiling, hugging and chatting away with all of the people that seemed to have missed you so dearly.  

Yeonjun stood in the corner of your living room, watching the whole ordeal. A smile crept onto his face at how happy and healthy you looked. It’s almost as if he saw you for the first time again. Making him realize that love at first sight really was a thing…even in this form.

He took a sip of his drink, still watching you carefully until someone nudged his shoulder.

“Shouldn’t you go say hi to your girl?” The taller and older guy leaned against the wall next to Yeonjun after nudging him, making him look up at him.

“Hyung, I don’t even know what to say to her. She’s so happy right now, I don’t wanna ruin it.”

Johnny furrowed his eyebrows, cocking his head to the side. “You don’t think she’ll be happy to see you?”

“I don’t know anything right now.” Yeonjun sighed, watching you join Hueningkai and Beomgyu for a selfie with a big smile on your face. “When is the last time you two spoke?” Johnny asked, taking another sip of his drink.  

“Like two months ago.”

“Damn…”

“I know.”  

and just as the picture was taken, you spotted him across the room.  

Your eyes locked, making Yeonjun freeze in place. “Shit,” he gulps, downing his drink in one go to calm his nerves which made Johnny laugh at his antics.

“Relaaaax. Did you see her eyes light up just now? I think she missed you too,” he assures him, throwing an arm around his shoulder for comfort.

This seems odd? Doesn’t it? Yeonjun and Johnny being all friendly with each other.

During Yeonjun’s never-ending therapy sessions, the school’s counselor wanted to connect Yeonjun with someone with a similar background. You should’ve seen both of their faces when they met during a group session, but after realizing they had such corresponding backgrounds, you know; the neglected rich kid kind, they haven’t stopped talking to each other and oddly became very close friends.

It was nice for Yeonjun to have an older brother figure in his life since he’s the oldest in his own friend group, and it was even nicer for Johnny to find out that Yeonjun wasn’t such a big dick after all. Oh, and the part of having someone who gets his struggle was great too, even in the form of Choi Yeonjun.  

You couldn’t believe your eyes. You didn’t expect him to be here for some reason and the last thing you expected was seeing him with Johnny’s arm around his shoulder in a non-threatening way.

Mia chuckled as she followed your gaze. “Yeah…so, they started hanging out a few months ago.”

“How even?”  

“I don’t know maybe they started to bond over being your rejects,” Taehyun says making Mia and Beomgyu cackle with him, but you couldn’t quite see the humor in it. You had only returned to your friends for 5 whole minutes and they were already being annoying.  

Soobin noticed your slight annoyance and chuckled, rubbing your back in comfort as he was the only one to notice how nervous you really were to talk to him again after all this time. “Go talk to him, he’s just as nervous. Trust me.” Soobin says into your ear so only you could hear, and you give him a small nod in response. Smiling at the encouragement you so desperately needed.

You’re a bad bitch. You got this.  

You look at him once more as he talked to Johnny.

For some reason, his whole aura changed from the last time you saw him. His features matured a bit, he lost weight and he completely embraced having a mullet. Ok…hot.  

He was breathtaking. Even after all this time of being apart, he made you feel the exact same way and all it took to remind you of that feeling was one look from him.  

He decided to man up and make his way through the crowd to greet you, but you beat him to it as your legs automatically walked over to where he was standing.

Johnny sensed the sudden electricity in the air as you approached and decided to go in for the hug first to give Yeonjun some time to collect himself. “Y/n!” Johnny coed as he enveloped you into a big bear hug. “It’s so good to see you again. How are you? How was your exchange?”  

You’re snapped out of your trance, but you still feel Yeonjun’s eyes on you as you’re trapped in Johnny’s embrace. You collect yourself as you let go of him, trying to avoid Yeonjun’s gaze for now but it was almost impossible because of how close he was.  

“I’m good, it was good. A lot of sleepless nights but it was totally worth it.” You give him the quickest answer possible; you weren’t quite sure where to start the conversation with Yeonjun but the longer the two of you ignored each other, the weirder the tension between you two was getting.

He took a deep breath, giving you a warm smile before averting his attention to Johnny. He not so subtly told him to leave with his eyes, which made Johnny suavely exit the conversation by announcing that he needed a refill.

“Hey…” you start.

Yeonjun’s eyes glistened as he looked at you with adoration. “Hey.”

You looked good. Your skin had a healthy glow, and your new haircut was working wonders for your features. He was entranced by your beauty for a second before realizing his stare might be creeping you out, though you didn’t even notice, cause you were staring at him too.  

You were completely caught up in your own perception of time. Everything seemed to slow down now that you were looking into others eyes again after all this time and just as you were about to open your mouth to speak, some kid you didn’t know accidentally bumped into you roughly.  

The sudden impact made you lose balance as you jolted forward, straight into Yeonjun’s arms. Luckily, he swiftly caught and stabilized you.

He looked at you in shock, making sure you were okay as he grabbed your shoulders before turning his attention to the random kid who somehow got an invite to be at your welcome home party, in your house, without you even knowing who he is.

He quickly apologized, but you feared for what was about to happen. The Yeonjun you left 6 months ago was a dick and a hothead, he’d make the kid regret running into you like that but to your surprise Yeonjun straightened out the freshman’s clothes and gave him a small side smile.  

“Be careful kid, we just got her back,” he says in neutral yet friendly tone.

That’s it? No threatening glare? No sarcasm?

He seemed to notice your dumbfounded facial expression and chuckled. “Anger management classes,” he explains with playfulness evident in his voice.

“You’re kidding?” you scoff in amusement.

“Nope. I’ve turned into a complete softie, just for you.”  

You teasingly shove his shoulder and laugh loudly. The sound made Yeonjun’s heart flutter as he watched your face contort into pure joy and cuteness. He felt the sudden urge to squish your cheeks together and litter your face with kisses but he withheld himself from doing so, and reciprocated your giggles with the sound of his own laugh as he raked his hand through his long locks.

This small moment of flirty teasing made the both of you realize just how much you had missed each other as you were quick to jump back in your old ways.

You both should’ve known that worrying about any awkwardness between you two was stupid. After all, you were friends before you even started dating; and luckily that dynamic returned quickly because he was just as big of a casual flirter as you were.

Suddenly it felt like you were starting all over again with him, it felt like the first time you tried to connect with him on that damn picnic that started the timeline of your relationship.

Somehow the universe granted you the opportunity to hit the reset button and do things right this time, and you couldn’t be happier now that you realize how stupid it was to worry about the inseverable connection you two seemed to have to each other.

Even after all these months and all those miles of distance, Yeonjun still felt like home.  

He gave you a shy smile, realizing you were staring at him with hearts in your eyes while you expectantly gazed into his dark orbs.

His eyes weren’t hollow anymore, for the first time in ages his happiness felt genuine and you couldn’t wait for him to tell you all about it.

“How about we…ditch your party for a bit and go take a walk,” Yeonjun suggests, giving you a hopeful yet mischievous look as he held out his hand for you.

You boldly lace your fingers through his and lead him out of your apartment without a second thought, ignoring stares from literally everyone.

Oh my god, history really was repeating itself. Your mind flashes back to the walk you took with him that night at Johnny’s party; you lead him out of Johnny’s kitchen the exact same way right after the fight you had with an overprotective Soobin about trying to date Yeonjun.

You got Yeonjun a little flustered, which is a first, but he was happy with your directness. He couldn’t wait to be alone with you in a more private setting and if that meant leaving your own party, then so be it.  

Fresh air hits your lungs as the chilly spring night welcomes you outside. Your apartment was way too crowded and way too hot which made you sigh contently as the cold wind created goosebumps on your skin.

Yeonjun looked at you and stopped in his tracks while diverting his gaze at your still intertwined fingers.

You look back at him, confused as to why he stopped walking, but before you could ask questions; he pulled you towards him, trapping you into his strong arms. One of his hands made its way to the nape of your neck to slowly pat your hair as he leaned his chin on the top of your head.

You just let it happen, wrapping your arms around his torso while burying your face in the crook of his neck. The familiar scent of soap mixed with his expensive Chanel Bleu cologne hit your nostrils and the butterflies in your tummy start to flutter again after being on rest for six months.

Whole. That’s how you feel in the moment.

“You have no idea how much I missed you.” You mumble into the hug, not wanting to look up at him out of fear that he might not have felt the same, but by the way he was holding you right now, you should know better. The insecurity of not being good enough still had its ways of fucking with your mind, even though you had no reason to be.

Yeonjun opened his eyes at your confession, not being able to hide how happy he was to hear that his feelings were mutual. He hid his grin by burying his face into your hair again as he giggled before pulling back slightly to see your face. You were trying incredibly hard to hide the heat that had risen to your cheeks but it was to no avail as Yeonjun mumbled something about how cute you were right now.

He was so worried you didn’t feel the same. He was convinced you forgot all about him at Brown. Your Instagram stories were filled with the countless parties you went to, the new people you met accompanied with the fact that your posts were littered with suggestive comments from guys he could only assume you met over there.

Yeonjun’s biggest fear relating to your return was that you utilized those six months away from him to move on, but as selfish as it sounds; he was so incredibly glad that you hadn’t.  

“Look at me.” He tried to cup your face but you didn’t let him, giggling into his chest as you protested.

The two of you must look absolutely pathetic to bystanders right now. You were completely stuck in your own world, acting like high school kids who were brand new to love, but somehow that’s exactly what you were.  

He chuckled lowly, as you tightened the hold you had on his waist. “Ah, whyyy…Look at me, come on.”

You do as you’re told, and when you look up you are greeted by the most beautiful smile you’ve seen in your life, making your breath hitch in your throat at how boyish yet manly he looked just now.

“Ok, I’m looking. Now what?” You challenge as you take a hold of his wrists as he cupped your face.

He didn’t know if he’d move too fast if he kissed your lips right now, so he decided against it while giving you a sweet kiss on your forehead instead.

“I just wanted to see your pretty face up close again. Instagram doesn’t do you justice, angel.”

“Oh, shut up.” You giggle, rolling your eyes as you push yourself out of his hold. You hate to admit it, but the little pet name made your heart skip a beat. You pretend to run from him, but he snatched you back in no time by tugging at your elbow with laughs and giggles. You give in and link arms with him as you resumed your walk through your neighborhood and look up at him to check if he was really here with you right now.

This whole thing just felt too good to be true. Here you thought he’d moved on from your relationship, but the confirmation that he hadn’t was nice, to say the least.

He looked down as he felt your eyes on him and smiles at you before looking at the path ahead of him.

“What?” he asks with an amused tone, but you just shake your head in response.

“You seem different.”  

“How different?”

“Like you aren’t carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders anymore type of different.”

He nodded understandingly and stopped in his tracks to look into your eyes again. His hands traveled down to yours, lacing your fingers together once more before he sighed, tucking a stray piece of your hair behind your ear for you.

You gave him an expecting look, squeezing the hand that was still intertwined with yours to assure him of the fact that you’re listening, which earned you a small smile.

“It’s cause I’m not. While you were changing the lives of others with your research, I was changing my own. At first, I thought the whole therapy thing was a hoax. I didn’t understand why talking to some stranger would fix me, but it helped me come to terms with a lot. I learned about acceptance and moving forward. And I learned that in order to be able to love someone in a healthy manner, I’d have to love myself first. You know…on a deeper level than just my handsome face” he jokes trying to lift some weight off of his words.

You roll your eyes, but secretly love his arrogance, making a low chuckle escape from your lips before you return to seriousness again.

“I’m so proud of you.” you say, and you mean it. You’re amazed at how clear his mind seemed to be. It’d usually take Yeonjun a good minute to collect his thoughts before he could talk about how he felt with you, but right now it came out so naturally, it was almost odd.

He gave you a weak side smile, making eye contact once again. “I’m nowhere near the finish line though. I can’t promise you that I’ll never fuck up again because I’m learning as I go, but what I can promise you, is that my heart and my feelings for you are unchanged. I haven’t stopped thinking of you, not once. The thought of being with you again was my driving force and I need you to know that.”

He caressed your cheek while you let his words sink in and suddenly you feel tears prickle your eyes.  

You were at a loss for words, completely lovestruck by his incredibly sweet and wise confession.

You hold onto his wrist for leverage, your breathing turned shaky and uneven as a tear escaped your eyes.

Here you thought he had completely moved on from your relationship. But god, you were so wrong, and you couldn’t be any happier.

“I promised myself to never make you cry again,” he joked lightheartedly as he wiped another tear away from your cheek, making you sniff in response, wiping them away with your sleeve quickly.  “They’re happy tears.”  

He looked into your eyes again, searching for answers and maybe even permission. He wanted to take things slow; give you time to reflect and time to adjust to being back home, but he simply couldn’t help himself.

When you leaned into his touch, he knew you basically gave him an okay to proceed.

He inched his face dangerously close to yours, lightly brushing his plump lips against yours. His hesitation made you smile, so you pull him down to your level by the back of his neck as you initiated the kiss.

He froze for a second at your dominance but quickly relaxed in your touch soon after he realized that you seemed to want this just as much as he did.

Kissing him was like muscle memory. It felt natural and blissful and suddenly you find yourself wondering about how you were able to live without this feeling of pure euphoria for over six months.

His love was like a drug, and all it took was one kiss to break your sobriety.

He pulled back, quickly assessing his surroundings before he realized the two of you were basically making out in the middle of the street.

He pulled you into an alleyway and pushed you against the wall of a random apartment building, his hands holding on to each side of your face delicately yet roughly as he kissed you with so much fervor, it almost made you dizzy.  

“You really had me thinking I lost you forever,” he mumbles as his lips disconnected from yours.

You weren’t given the change to respond as his lips found their way to the soft spot in your neck. He still remembered every sensitive inch of your skin and used it against you all too willingly; wrapping his hands around your throat as he kissed and licked a pattern from your jaw to your neck.  

A breathy moan left your lips as he started to suck possessive marks onto your neck and you instinctively wrap your arms around his waist, letting him do as he pleases, too entranced by the delicious feeling. You jumped up and he caught you by hooking his arms under your thighs, stabilizing you against the wall as you kept making out.

You giggled at his eagerness, a little flustered at the fact that you were in public; even though it was nighttime while being in a neglected alley; it still felt wrong.

He smirked against your neck when he felt you hesitate, and placed a soft yet wet kiss on your lips before letting go of you. He made sure you landed back on the ground safely, straightening out your clothes for you. “Maybe we should head back,” he says with a dark gaze, acting as if he didn’t just litter your neck with marks and bruises. He licked his pouty lips in amusement at the sight of what he had just done to you, knowing all too well that people would be able to see what happened while the two of you were gone.

You playfully shoved him aside, completely oblivious to how bad it really was but when you stepped into the elevator and saw your own reflection you gasped and shot Yeonjun a look of pure panic and distress. “YEONJUN!” you gasp loudly. “You can’t be fucking serious.”

“I’m sorry I just…couldn’t help myself.” he licked his lips again, cockiness emitting from his entire being. He inched closer to you to give you an innocent kiss on the top of your head and pulled the hair tie out of your hair, making your hair fall past your shoulders to cover the hickeys.

“This’ll do.”

“Oh my god, I hate you.”

He scoffed, casually smacking your ass in response.  

On the remaining way back to your apartment you were constantly fixing your clothes and hair, trying to let it nonchalantly fall to the front but you knew it looked rather ridiculous.

You had hoped your friends were too intoxicated to notice but when you stepped foot in your apartment with Yeonjun closely trailing behind you, all eyes were on you again.

How long were you two gone for? 10, maybe 20 minutes?

“Hyung.” Taehyun grabbed Yeonjun by his collar, turning him around which made Yeonjun frown at the younger one.

“For fucks sake.” Taehyun sighs dramatically, wiping something pink from the corner of Yeonjun’s mouth with his index finger.  

…it was your fucking lipgloss.

Yeonjun’s ears turned a bright red as he started to chuckle nervously. “Now I lost the fucking bet with Hueningkai. I thought it’d take at least a week before you two would start simping over each other again, it hasn’t even been an hour….AND OUTSIDE?” Taehyun sucks his teeth as a sign of disapproval, looking you up and down before his eyes lingered on your neck. “Animals. That’s it. That’s the description.”

“Pay up, loser. I told you.” Hueningkai cackles as he throws his arms around both Taehyun and Yeonjun’s shoulders.

“Y’all made a bet? An actual bet on our relationship?” you ask in pure disbelief. It was so like them to turn your emotional turmoil into their own amusement, but you couldn’t really be mad at them.

Your friends know the two of you better than anyone and probably saw this coming way before you did.

“Venmo me later.” Taehyun mumbles to Hueningkai in defeat while walking off, and you can’t help but chuckle at the irony of it all.  

All of these months left in pure insecurity about your relationship with Yeonjun. Nights of pondering about your future, worrying if he had moved on or not. It was all for nothing

Yeonjun and you move like magnets, and no course of time could really drive you apart because when you’re reunited, you will always find your way back to each other. Always.

He looked at you a little dreamily, it still wasn’t sinking in that you were back. For good. And all his.

He snaked his arm around your waist as he stood behind you, resting his head on your shoulder as you told your friends all about your adventures.

He was clingy, you were clingy and neither of you was hiding it for anyone. You’ve had your fair share of secrets with Yeonjun and you were more than glad that those times were over with.

At around 4 AM most people left, and you were left alone with the boys, Ryujin and Mia.

You were on the couch, perfectly comfortable on Yeonjun’s lap as you leaned into his chest. One hand was rubbing your back in up and down motions while the other had found its way under your shirt and onto your waist. His cold fingertips grazed over your bare skin and suddenly it was way too hard to stay awake.

The chatter of your friends became background noise as your eyelids grew heavy. But you were shortly awakened out of your slumber as you felt Yeonjuns lips on your temple.  

“You must be so tired after that flight and this whole circus,” he whispered with an empathetic pout, yet all you could do was nod as a response.

He chuckled at your cuteness and fixed a piece of your hair, kissing your forehead again before you buried your face in the crook of his neck.

“It’s funny how nothing has changed, yet everything is different,” Beomgyu says as he stares at you and Yeonjun with a loving smile.

Beomgyu might be a little shit with a smart mouth, but he cares for his friends. Seeing the two of you be so content in each other's presence made love emit from his pupils. Even though Yeonjun had been doing so much better the best couple of months, nothing compares to the pure happiness and giddiness that Gyu was seeing from him now, and that was all because you were together again.

Beomgyu wasn’t the only one to notice, because it was literally all of them, and especially Soobin.

Soobin who literally rebelled against any type of relationship between you and Yeonjun was smiling at the sight of you in his arms fondly. His two best friends finally found solace in each other after all the shit that both of you had been through together, and it made him sentimental.

A year had passed since the two of you started dating unofficially, though this was the first time in that whole year that Soobin was completely okay with it.

You were long gone and off into dreamland by now as Yeonjun looked at you with a small smile on his lips, but when he looked up to check why everyone had stopped talking, he was met with six pairs of twinkling eyes on him.

His pupils darted back and forth between them in genuine confusion. “Why? What’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong.” Soobin sighed contently. “For once, nothing is wrong.” he says as he leans forward to hug Mia from behind who was sitting between his legs on the floor.

Taehyun chuckled at Soobin’s dramatic statement and Hueningkai hummed in agreement.  

“Not to get all simpy or anything, but with her being back it feels like our little dysfunctional family is whole again.” Beomgyu mumbles as he let his head drop onto Ryujin’s shoulder.

“Let’s try to be less dysfunctional,” Hueningkai says with determination.  

“We can be less dysfunctional if you can clean up after yourselves and fold your own damn laundry so I don’t have to start a fight with you every 5 seconds,” Taehyun argues as he throws a pillow at Hueningkai's face. Making him laugh as he got in in the face with full force.

“Why can’t we just…have one peaceful moment…just one.” Soobin says rubbing his forehead in agony.

Yeonjun chuckled at the banter of his little brothers and looked back at you. “I don’t know guys, maybe that’s our charm,” he says leaving all of them in pure confusion as they looked at him for clarification.

“What do you mean by that.” Mia questions as she raises a brow at him.

“We’ll literally walk through fire to be there for each other, right? We go through things individually but will never fail to be there for each other in times of need, and I think we need to embrace our worst mistakes and arguments so we can grow from them. After all we’ve been through, I know we’ll be together forever. So, I say cheers to being dysfunctional,” He says with a proud smile, picking up his drink from the side table to raise it up in the air for a collective moment of cheers.

Dumbfounded by Yeonjun’s odd display of maturity and wise words, they all comply, raising their glasses in the air followed by a loud cheer to being “dysfunctional.”

The sudden loudness of their voices woke you up, completely out of it and sleep drunk; you lift your head from Yeonjun’s chest, squinting your eyes at your friends as you rub the sleep out of your eyes.

“Did I miss anything?” you say, your voice laced with sleep and confusion.

They all burst out into laughter at your current state paired with your obliviousness and messy bed hair.

“Nah, just six months of incompleteness,”  Yeonjun says as he pecks your lips.

Mia stayed over that night and helped you unpack and clean your whole apartment the next day, which you were super grateful for but...you’d be lying if you said you didn’t wish Yeonjun would’ve stayed the night.

The fact of the matter is that you haven’t had time for a serious talk with him yet, because you know, tongue punching each other was of higher priority than hashing things out with actual words. Which meant you hadn’t really talked about your relationship status or how things will be moving forward.

“The last game of the season is tonight. Are you going?” Mia asked as she plops down on your couch with you.

“The last one? Already?”

“Yeah we’re gonna go celebrate after.”

“Even if they lose?”

“Girl, you know they don’t lose.”  

You roll your eyes and laugh at Mia’s overconfidence in her boyfriends’ team. You were about to give her a definite answer before your phone started buzzing.

[Yeonjun, 12.44 PM]: Hi baby.

[Yeonjun, 12.45 PM]: Is it ok if I come over? I’ll bring us coffees from that café you love so much. 😌

[Y/N, 12.45 PM]: Yesss please 🥺

You giddily smile at your phone, wanting to squeal with excitement but you hold it in and Mia seems to notice. “Oh god, is it him?”

“Yeah, so.” you glare at her with playful intent “Let me be happy. He’s changed so drastically; I almost couldn’t believe that last night’s Yeonjun was the Yeonjun I left six months ago.”

“Yeah, he’s been working super hard to change and the whole thing with his mom helped too.”

“His mom? What do you mean?” You ask in genuine confusion, Mia bit her lip as she furiously shook her head. “Listen, I’m never, ever going to meddle in your relationship ever again. When he gets here, I’m sure he’ll tell you all about it.”

You chuckle, nodding in agreement until your attention is averted to your phone again as it buzzes in your lap once more.

[Hyunjin, 12.46 PM]: Hey sweetheart, did you have a good flight?  

Oh….

Your eyes shoot to Mia’s in panic and she frowns, taking your phone out of your hold to read the message.

“Oh my god…is this your little slip-up?” she asks with disgust evident on her features.

“What do you mean slip up? I am a single woman,” you argue, but Mia wasn’t having it.

“AM?”

“WAS? GIRL, I DON’T KNOW. It was a fling, nothing more.”

“Flings don’t call you sweetheart and ask you how your flight was.” Mia says squinting her eyes at you.

“Mia…”

She sighed, visibly irritated with how naïve you were being, but you couldn’t have known that you’d fall back into Yeonjun’s arms that fast, and it’s not like you ever dated Hyunjin. He was just a friend…who you’ve slept with once.  

“Listen, girl. I love you...but after everything Yeonjun has put himself through to be a better man for you, you better ghost this motherfucker right now or else.”

“Jeez, I will. It’s not like I like the guy. And since when are you team Yeonjun?”

She relaxed at your statement, slouching back into the couch. “A lot has changed y/n. He was a good friend to me when you weren’t here, that’s all.”

You nod understandingly, realizing that Yeonjun and yourself have a lot to talk about; maybe even more than you had hoped for now that Hyunjin reminded you of his existence with a mere text message.

Mia left soon after, wanting to give Yeonjun and yourself some privacy for when he got here, which wasn’t long after she left.

You opened the door for him, and he smiled at you. He was wearing a black beanie, an oversized black t-shirt, and those damned gray sweatpants of his that you love so much. Your heart did a thing at the sight and he quickly kissed your cheek before he rushed his way into your living room, trying to find a place to set down the coffee cups that were burning his fingertips at the touch.

“Careful.” You mumble as you watch him struggle. When he put the coffees down on your salon table, he quickly made his way to you again to properly kiss you this time.

He cupped your face, pulling you into him as he started to steal chaste kisses from your lips. You giggled into the kisses as you tried to untangle yourself from him, slapping his chest playfully to shoo him away.

He let go with a smile, taking your hand to lead you to your couch. You could tell by his whole body language and the way he skipped through your apartment that he was happier than ever.

You hoped you wouldn’t ruin that happiness by telling him about Hyunjin, but it shouldn’t matter because he didn’t matter. You only wanted to tell him just so you weren’t keeping any secrets anymore; cause god knows how that went the last time.  

“How’d you sleep?” he asks you as he hands you your coffee. You happily take it from him and keep your eyes on him as you take a sip. “Fine, it was weird being in my own bed again, I missed it though.”

“Yeah? Anything else you missed?” his gaze was piercing into you as he took a sip of his Americano, fully aware that he was fishing for an ego boost.

“Theres this guy I kinda missed, I guess his name is Yeonjun.” You shrug as you take another sip; your flirty playfulness is one of the things that he loved about you, it kept things spicy.

“Oh him? He wanted me to tell you that he kinda missed you too,” he says with an amused glimmer in his eyes.

You chuckle. “Good.”

Suddenly the two of you fell quiet, but it wasn’t an awkward quietness; it was more of a realization that your endless flirting had to turn into somewhat of a serious conversation.

“Yeonjun…”

“Hmm?” his eyes softened at the way you called his name, he set his coffee aside turning to you completely to show you that he was listening attentively.

You sigh, not knowing what else to say other than the following. “I love you and I want to be with you.”

His eyes grow in size, a little shook by your directness but he composed himself as he fixed his posture quickly. “Why do I feel a ‘but’ coming?”

“I mean it, but I need to be honest with you too,”

“About what?”

“While I was at Brown, I kind of…flirted off and on with one of my lab partners and well…I slept with him…once. I swear it was only once and I-” he cut you off by raising his hand so you’d stop your nervous rambling and sighed. He knew exactly who you were talking about, because he had seen that motherfucker all over Instagram and had honestly seen this confession coming from miles away. 

He was glad you told him though, cause he'd feel worse if you tried to hide it from him.

Though you didn’t post about him, Hyunjin did post about you, and basically tagged you in all of his Insta stories or group pictures. Yeonjun shamelessly cyberstalked the guy. It wasn’t one of his proudest moments, but he had to just to stay sane.  

“Baby, we were broken up. You don’t have to justify what you did or didn’t do at that time. It’s not like I expected you to turn into a nun.”  

You raise your brows in surprise at his mature response. “You’re not mad?”

“No. As long as it’s over with.”

“It is, I promise.”  

“Good,” he sucked his teeth as he watched you. “Also, it’s not like anyone can fuck you as well as I can,” he states with a devious smirk as he pulled you close, making you gulp in response to his choice of words.

He chuckles at how easily intimidated you were by him and takes the opportunity to tease you.  

“Did he?”  

“N-no.” you stutter, innocently staring up at him. “He didn’t”

“Good girl.” He says, biting his lip while letting his thumb ghost over your lower lip.

His choice of words made your stomach turn but you knew better than to let lust get the best of you once again.

“Yeonjun…” you breathe his name like a warning, trying to avert the tension. “We…we need to talk.”

“We can talk.” He shrugs, pulling your legs towards him aggressively so you’d slide down. Your back was now on the couch as he parted your legs, settling himself in between them before hovering over you to kiss over the bruises he left last night. “After I give you a little reminder.” He smiles against your skin, pulling your shirt over your bra so he could kiss a trail down to your belly button.

“God I missed you,” he says digging his nails into your waist. "So fucking much."

(Warning: heavy smut ahead!)

Your mind goes into overdrive as he unties the tie to your sweatpants, and as he does so you stare at the outline that had formed in his own.

He didn’t waste any time, pulling down the waistband of your joggers with one swift motion while you helped him by lifting your hips off the couch.

He discarded of your clothes faster than your mind could comprehend but then you noticed that he was fully clothed, when the only thing you were wearing by now were your panties.

You pouted, pulling at his waistband but he grabbed your wrist, pinning your hands above your head so he could look at you, beautiful, bare, and all his.  

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful.” His lips found their way to the sensitive nub of your breast as he eagerly licked and sucked on it while his fingers found their way onto your still clothed heat.

He rubbed his middle and index finger over your clit, making you moan at the sudden stimulation.

He pulled away, making his way down to your core as he littered your inner thigh with more and more hickeys.

You were eagerly moving your hips by now, trying to get him to kiss you where you wanted him most, but he was taking his sweet time and you were losing your patience.

“Y-Yeonjun…” you moan his name. He finally rewards you by pulling your panties aside. Licking his lips at your glistening arousal, ready to feast on you as if it was the last meal he’d ever have.

“Fuck.” He says with admiration to no one in particular, placing a soft kiss on your pussy before he started to slowly kitten-lick your sensitive nub. He lowly hummed in approval at the taste of you and fastened his pace slowly.

You gasped, arching your back to give him better access as he started to eat you out like you’ve never experienced in your life.

His skill was baffling, he had your brain melting and legs shaking while he struggled to keep you still.

“Ah…” you arch your back once more, trying to get away from the overstimulation but he held you down with his strong arms.

“Who are you running from baby, stay still.” He ordered with a low voice before getting back to business, and with ten more seconds, he had you cumming in his mouth as the vibration of his low hums drove you over the edge. You cover your own mouth to muffle your loud cries, but he pulled your hands away from your face, wanting to hear you fall apart for him.

“That’s it baby.” he mused in approval, finishing you off with one last lick before he came back up to assess your fucked out state. “So fucking good for me.”  

Your chest was heaving up and down rapidly as you were trying to catch your breath. Once again you lost to the charms of Choi Yeonjun, but he was nowhere near done with you.

He quickly got rid of his own clothes and pumped himself a few times while looking straight into your eyes.

This man is a god, and he knew it.

His mischief returned when he realized you were watching him. “I think I got you wet enough, right baby?”

You almost forgot about his grit, your mouth salivating at the sight. Any slick you could build with him was a gift, because the last thing you wanted was for him to start a fire down there, cause that’s just how big he was.

You sit up which surprised him, but when you spit in your hand and pumped him a few times to slick him up some more he chuckled lowly as he realized what you were doing. He moaned in the form of a sharp exhale as your pace fastened, but he didn’t let you take control just yet.

“Scared?” he teased, keeping his eyes on you as you twisted your wrist a little more.

“No.” you huff.

“Then turn around.”  

You comply without a thought. You were both sitting up on your knees while your back leaned against his chest. You threw your head back and he kissed your forehead sweetly. guiding himself into you while his other hand held onto your waist to stabilize you against him.

You curse at the stretch, digging your nails into his thighs for leverage as he fills you up.

You both moan as your walls clenched around him. His arms snaked around you from behind as he took a hold of your neck, pinching down on the veins on each side of your throat as he slammed his hips into you continuously with long and deep strokes.

The choking sensation made everything so much more intense, especially when the fingers of his other hand started to rub circles on your still abused clit.

Your eyes rolled back as your vision got blurry, tears prickling your eyes at how good you were being wrecked right now.

He let go of your neck, putting his hand on the small of your back to push you down on the couch so your ass was up, and your face was down.

He started to pound into you mercilessly, his rhythm and pace perfectly alternating as he grabbed a fistful of your hair. “You’re mine,” he grunted as he felt himself getting closer and closer by the physical stimulation of your tightness and the mental stimulation of your moans and mewls.

It didn’t take long before you both reached your highs as he was prone boning you into heaven.

Your orgasm washes over you, and right after you came, he reached his own high.  

He pulled out right before he busted, releasing himself onto your back with a loud growl.  

Your eyes flutter closed; way too fucked out to function as you catch your breath. You feel his weight move off of you to grab one of the napkins on your side table that came with the coffees, and wiped his cum off of you with a cocky smile on his face.

You built up the energy to look back at him, and when your eyes meet all you can do is giggle with him at how ridiculous you two are.

“So…I guess now we can talk,” he says with a smirk.

- end of smut -

Once you fully recovered from having your back blown out…quite literally. You came out of your bedroom after a quick change of clothes.

You walk into your living room while you pull a clean shirt over your head.

 Yeonjun was still on your couch, watching you with a big boyish smile on his face as his gaze followed you.

“All good?” he asks, opening his arms for you. You nod in response, excitedly making your way into his arms. He moved you on top of him so you were on his lap and kissed your cheek sweetly.

“Where do we even start.” You think out loud as you start playing with Yeonjun’s hair. He threw his head back in solace, letting you massage his scalp softly.

You chuckle at his reaction, stopping your actions which made him lift his head up immediately, giving you a kittenish angry face. “Why’d you stop.”

“Because it’s been an hour since you got here and all we do is dance around the subject,” you say as you move off of him. You turn sideways, leaning against the armrest of your couch while you drape your legs over his lap and sigh.

After deciding that Yeonjun would go first, he told you everything. From the progress he has made with his therapist to the baffling information of his mother selling Choi Enterprises and moving closer to the Uni for him. He told you about their relationship and his interest in the fashion industry. He’s been spending time with his friends in the dance studio again after years of neglecting his hobby and his grades are improving drastically compared to last year too.

He’s been doing well both mentally and socially. Even though he still has his bad days, he’s a lot happier than he was before. You listened attentively asking questions and making sure you understood every detail to your best ability.

When it was your turn to start talking, you realize just how sadistic your exchange was now that you’re explaining the details out loud. You told him about the crazy schedules, spending days from 8 am to 10 pm in the lab, neglecting your health just to forget about your heartache. You were being brutally honest, and you saw Yeonjun’s jaw clench at the revelation.  

If he knew you were having such a hard time, he would’ve contacted you more, but you explained to him how the experience made you stronger, harder and less of a cry baby.  

You spoke about your new gained independence and soon realized that, where Yeonjun needed emotional cradling, you needed to be hit with the real world without the safety net that your friends and parents always provided for you.

The two of you had been talking for over two hours, and finally came to the inevitable question.

“So…what does that make us.” You sigh as you played with his fingers.  

“Really, the ‘what are we’ question?” he chuckled, watching you play with the ring on his index finger.

“Well. Do you have an answer?” you mumble, letting go of his hand.

“I’m yours,” he says, putting his hand on your thigh while his other hand tugged on your chin to make you look up at him.

Your eyes grew in size, swallowing harshly when his fingers moved from your chin to caress your cheek. “And I don’t want to take things slow anymore, I love you too much to relive the dating phase."

“Me too,” you agree with determination. He smirked contently, leaning into you to feverishly kiss you on the lips.

“You know what that was?” He asks as he pulls away with his face still in close proximity.

“What?” you question with a giggle.

“Our first kiss as boyfriend and girlfriend.”  

You slap his chest, bursting into laughter at his cheesiness. The sound of your laughs and giggles filled the room as he started to kiss you all over your face and neck, leaving you breathless and ticklish at his touch

“I love you, Choi Yeonjun, but I think you have an important basketball game to get to.”

Of course they won.  

Yeonjun made the winning point which meant he had something to brag about all night.

You were at a local diner with all of the boys, their teammates, and respective girlfriends or boyfriends. Drinking, talking, and overall having a good time.

When Mia, Ryujin, Soobin, Taehyun, Beomgyu and Hueningkai heard the news about your new relationship status, they basically congratulated you as if you announced that you were getting married.  

The whole thing was just way too funny, and Yeonjun dragged you around all night to introduce you to everyone.  

The freshman on the team were so confused when Yeonjun introduced you as his girlfriend because they had never heard of or seen you before.  

“Hyung, Imma be honest with you, I kinda thought you were gay.” Sunghoon admits as he apologetically scratched the back of his head.

“…S-same” Heesung states, looking at you both with apologetic eyes as well.

Yeonjun looked at them a little funny as he burst into laughter, pulling you closer to him. “Why?”  

“Because well, we haven’t seen you with a girl all year, and with the way you look, I don’t know. 1+1 was gay I guess.” Jay, another freshman explained their point of view a little further, which had you cackling at the situation.

“Oh my god, so you little shits were the ones spreading rumors about me and Wooyoung!?”  

“N-no! NO!” The kids protested, but Yeonjun was already playfully grabbing them by their collars to scold them.

You laughed at the whole ordeal, love emitting from your eyes as you watched Yeonjun be in his popular guy element again.

You zoned out for a bit, absentmindedly listening to how Beomgyu and Hueningkai were telling a story about that one time they took Yeonjun’s car for a joyride in the middle of the night without his permission.  

Yeonjun noticed your mental absence, wrapping an arm around your shoulder to pull you into his chest, softly kissing your temple.

“What’s wrong?”  

You shake your head, sentiment getting the better of you. This is the most complete you’ve felt in a while.

You kissed him with fervor, your hands lacing through his dark locks before you pulled away to place a small kiss on the corner of his mouth.

“I’m just really happy right now,” you say as you smile at each other lovingly.

1 year later.

Graduation was around the corner.

It was insane how fast time flew. You celebrated your first-year anniversary with Yeonjun the night before and were now laying in his bed the next morning, slowly waking up just to feel the soreness of what he did to you last night.

You groaned in agony at the bright light, even after all this time; you still weren’t a morning person.

You noticed how Yeonjun was missing from the bed, so you got up to look for him. Putting on his large shirt to cover yourself as you made your way to the boys’ living room.

Soobin was on the couch with Taehyun and Hueningkai looking you up and down with disapproval.

“Jesus. Did you get hit by a truck in there?” Taehyun asks as he clicked his tongue.

“Shut up smart-ass. Where’s Yeonjun?”  

Taehyun chuckled, being completely used to your grumpiness in the morning by now. If Yeonjun wasn’t staying at your place, you were staying at theirs; so they were more accustomed to having you around like this.  

“He said he had to run a quick errand; he’ll be back soon,” Soobin replies with light amusement in his eyes at how roughed up you looked.

“Hey, next time…be a little more quiet.” Beomgyu tells you as he walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.  

“My room is next to Yeonjun’s you know.”

“Oh shut up hyung, I hear you and Ryujin almost every night,” Hueningkai says rolling his eyes, which made you crack your first smile of the day.

“Oh nooo, not my pure baby Hueningie” Soobin pouted as he trapped Kai in between his legs for a hug.

“Hyung, you’re gonna have to let go soon. Literally. When you guys graduate you don’t get to live here and baby me anymore.” Hueningkai protests as he tries to push Soobin off of him.

Soobin pouted, making you immediately feel bad for him. 

When Yeonjun and Soobin would move out, Jay and Heesung would move in, which meant that Beomgyu, Taehyun, and Hueningkai had to hold down the fort as seniors for one more year until they graduated, and the thought alone made Soobin feel uneasy.

Soobin and Mia were officially moving in together after graduation. They had planned their whole futures together and both had job offers in the city from their internships.

“I’ll still come over…every…weekend. You know, just to make sure.”

You drift off into thought, realizing how Yeonjun and yourself have been living your lives in the moment without concrete plans for the future together.

Since your apartment was off-campus you still got to live there after graduation. You had gotten an amazing job offer because of your research at Brown, which had major corporations battle it out with outrageous contracts, salaries, and promises to your favor so your options were most definitely open.

Your future looked bright, as did Yeonjun’s who’d be working as a Creative Director for his mothers’ luxury brand...but how did you two miss the mark on planning a future together?

Were you that caught up in your own world to realize that adult decisions had to be made soon?

Yeonjun walked in, interrupting your thoughts. “Oh, hey guys.”

He set his keys on the kitchen counter, giving you a funny look. “I texted you to get ready.”

“Oh..shit, I didn’t check my phone, Sorry. Give me 20 minutes.”

You didn’t question why he wanted you to get ready, he’d probably take you out for breakfast or some shit, so you weren’t suspecting anything, but Yeonjun could sense that something was off about you.

During the car ride to your unknown destination, he looked at you as you stared out of the window. You were lost in deep thought about the whole graduation thing and didn’t even notice how the houses on the streets were starting to get ridiculously big as you drove further and further into a random neighborhood

He grabbed your hand, kissing the inside of your palm while rubbing those comforting circles into your skin.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, trying to look at the road while also looking at you from time to time.

“I’m just…worried about life after graduation. I don’t like change.”

Yeonjun raised his brows in surprise, a soft smile tugging at his lips as he turned the corner into a brand-new built street filled with massive villas.

The neighborhood looked peaceful, not too flashy and private. Maybe even a little too perfect to be real.

He pulled up to a random house, parking his car on the driveway. The confusion was evident on your face as he opened the door for you, reaching out to take your hand.

He helped you out of the car and you give him a look, chuckling at his awkwardness. “Uh…are we here to see someone?”

He sighed, back hugging you and leaning his head on your shoulder as the both of you looked up at the house.

“What do you think of this place?”

“It’s…beautiful. But I don’t really get why we’re here.” You giggle as you feel him kiss your neck and you turn around to face him, trying to find answers in his eyes.

“If you want…we can stay here.” He bit his lip nervously. “You know, after graduation.”

“W-what? I’m confused. Like Till The End of Summer?”

He shook his head, laughing once again while snaking his arms around your waist at your innocence and obliviousness. “You’re so cute,” he muses, pulling out a set of keys from his pocket and suddenly realization hit you as pure shock takes over your features.  

He bought the fucking house.  

He couldn’t help but laugh at your shocked Pikachu face. He had been planning this behind your back for so long and it was incredibly hard to keep this a secret, especially since literally everyone knew about it but you.  

You didn’t know what to do or say, completely frozen and shocked as you look at the house with big watery eyes.  

He pulled you in for a deep and passionate kiss, giving you the keys to the front door with a big smile.  

“Till the End of Our Lives.”  

Bonus Chapter 15