#anyway. trying champagne for the first time. taste is fine but I dont like the fizziness (I dont like soda either)

[autumnalfallingleaves]

I really want to know why my reaction to alcohol (any amount) is to feel the warmth in my ear canals, not my throat or chest

[rogersbabyyy]

sex, drugs, rock n’roll | roger taylor

author’s note: me? posting a fic? this is much too strange!  i really have no excuse for writing this other than i was horny and just wanted to write some filthy ass 70s sex where everyone’s high and and it’s a lot of fun. but please don’t do drugs it’s not a good idea, this is just for fictional sake and me wishing i was a groupie :) also, i tried to change up my writing style a bit a try and get into the head of someone on cocaine, hence the repetition and somewhat scattered internal monologue. i really hope you enjoy, please reblog! 

summary: you get high and fuck roger at one of freddie’s parties... that’s it.

warnings/tags: this is the most disgusting thing i’ve written. DRUG USE!!, foul language, smut (dom!roger makes an appearance), but mostly heavy drug use (cocaine) so pls pls dont read if u feel uncomfy!

word count: 3.7k

not proofread

Two hours ago, the party had conformed to become a force of life in itself; roaring and fantastical, welcoming and formidable, all at the same time. Nothing less than outrageous, there were naked girls, naked boys, lounging on Freddie Mercury’s grand staircase, snogging and touching and almost fucking right for everyone to see.

The latest disco hit playing through the stereo system was nothing but a pounding heartbeat for the writhing bodies to obey, hands clutching glasses swaying above heads, shoes kicked to the sides of the room, heads unconsciously bobbing to the beat.

It was the quintessential celebration for the release of Queen’s latest album, months and months of hard work, Roger arriving home every night (morning?) at two, and proceeding to wake you up at six o’clock anyway with the crush of his golden cymbals and throb of his bass drum. Not that you minded, but… it was nice to finally have the chance to let loose, and the boys, finally earning a proper wage of their own, had the money for parties like these now.

The host of the evening (and lead singer of the band) adorned in a leotard clinging to every curve of his muscular body and showing off his chest covered in a soft dawn of hair, had been busy all night entertaining his guests, balancing a velvet crown atop his head with one hand, a glass of bubbly champagne in the other (his matching cloak long ago discarded), his booming tenor voice always assuring that more drinks were coming, and oh, come on darling, you must have another.

Brian and John, however, were long gone; as soon as one of Freddie’s friends dumped an assorted mix of drugs onto the table (causing to Brian to choke on his beer, with someone needing to thump him on the back for a solid two minutes before he recovered), he whisked Chrissie out of there, and John was always yearning to be with his little babies these days (they were utterly precious; Freddie constantly demanded that they be brought round to the studio).

So, that left you with the drummer.

Your boyfriend, Roger, was situated firmly at your side, the hand that wasn’t holding an ice cold glass of whiskey thrown around your waist. His shirt was unbuttoned almost to his navel, exposing his toned abdomen shining with sweat (not unlike the little black dress you were wearing, with a neckline that dipped so low it really didn’t leave anything to the imagination), and oh, did he ever look delicious. And, he obviously thought the same of you; for the way his tongue was licking slow, deliberate stripes over your exposed neck, causing you to giggle so hysterically, it probably had something to do with the remnants of fine white powder littering the glass table, on which your nose was pressed up against approximately five seconds ago.

Euphoric was barely a satisfying enough word to describe how you were feeling. You were orgasmic, horny, powerful, high, burning up (God, you were hot); and from the way Roger’s baby blue eyes were fixed on you, dilated and glazed over, he wasn’t feeling all that different. Growling softly against your neck, his head clouded with a high of his own, his lips hot, so hot, burning, exerted to find the words he desired to describe what he wanted to do to you.

“Mhm, lovie,” he moaned, “Want to, want... ” he laughed softly against you, his equilibrium simultaneously failing him, as he lost what little balance he had left and swayed against you, spilling his drink all over his front in the process.

“Ah, fuck,” He discarded the glass by letting it roll out of his hand and onto the beautiful Persian rug below, and you found this unspeakably hilarious, laughing harder until his lips finally found yours in a kiss so filthy it belonged in a porn movie. Open mouths, tongues entwined in a furious dance, he tasted of his whiskey, Benson & Hedges cigarettes, the hor d’oeuvres that had been floating around all night on silver trays, and something else that was just inexplicably him.

“Naughty dress you’re wearin,” he tried again, lips breaking from yours, and then, barely suppressing a grin; “M’ so horny. M’ so horny you don’t even know. Wanna fuck you right here, don’t give a fuck if anyone sees. Need to fuck you, need your cunt, need you, need you,” He repeated the words continuously, his voice ending as a mumble as he went back to press open mouthed kisses against your neck, on which you’d know there’d be countless bruises in the morning.

Your heart throbbed faster, faster, fasterfasterfaster, and it wasn’t even a question in your mind to squeeze the stiffy growing in his too tight jeans; no one was really even looking, too busy dancing and kissing and drinking and smoking and laughing and-

“I swear to God, I will come in my jocks if you keep bloody doing tha’.” He choked, grasping your wrist and squeezing it softly.

“Well, s’much as I wanna fuck here, I don’t think Fred would appreciate seeing your cock, as lovely as it is,” you beamed up at him, and he giggled softly back, brushing your hair to one side.

“Hm, you have a point, kitten,” he peppered your neck with a few more slow kisses, before his lips found your ear to whisper, “Besides, we wouldn’t want everyone seeing your pretty cunt, because that’s all mine.”

Oh, he owned you, he owned you so bad, and you could feel your walls tighten at his words, and oh how you wished they were clenching around him instead.

“Please, Rogie, let’s go, upstairs, somewhere, the bathroom or the car, even-”

“Calm down, lovie, c’mon, let’s go upstairs… Be needin’ some o’ this,” Roger staggered sideways to snatch up one of the last small plastic bags left on the table, bulging almost to the brim with white powder, “Let’s go.”

Your hand in his as was clammy and hot, God it was so hot, as you took a grievous amount of time to scale Freddie’s staircase in platform heels that perhaps maybe possibly you might have stolen from John, it was too long ago to remember. So, you kicked them off, and they clunk clunk clunked as they bumped their way down the stairs; you’d pick them up later, but probably not, because you were so horny and so bloody fucked up that really the only thing you were thinking at that point about was grinding slowly on Roger’s cock.

Your clit throbbed at the thought, and you fell against his side, moaning softly, his arm encircling your waist to keep you upright.

“Here,” Roger grunted, sweeping you up in his arms as if you weighed nothing at all, and you howled gleefully, legs failing as your halfheartedly moaned for him to set you back down.

“Roger, stop!”

He ignored your pleas, a soft, dazed smile on his face, as he pushed open the door to the nearest room with his shoulder; which happened to be a master bedroom with a four-poster bed, surround by a floaty, gauzy fabric.

He set you down gently on the mattress.

“Right,” he smiled, and for as high as he was, he unsealed the small bag and carefully tapped out a short, perfect line of cocaine on the bedside table. “Ladies first, hm?”

Reaching for the five pound note in his outstretched hand, (“Thank you very much, kind sir,”) you rolled it into a tight cylinder with some difficulty, your hands were trembling so much (from the drug, or from the need for more of it?) and hovered over the line, sniffing as hard as you could as the powder rushed its way upward, Roger’s hands carefully holding your hair back in a makeshift ponytail as the stimulant worked its magic.

Within seconds the drug was in your blood, in your brain, sizzling and popping and making you shiver in delight, oh, it felt good, and you sniffed again, your head dizzy and the room whirling around and aroundaroundaround until your eyes came to a focus on Roger right at your side. He seemed ten times more attractive, if possible, and you quite literally drooled at the sight of him, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand as the room whirled once more.

“Good, huh?” His eyes were excited, as he unbuttoned his shirt completely now and shrugged it off, the fabric landing in a heap on the floor, his hand sliding down the small of your back to squeeze your ass, practically hanging out of your too-tight and much-too-short dress.

“So good,” you said, running your fingers through your hair, your palms coming to rest on his shoulders, “Fuck, I feel like I could do anything. And I’m so horny I could die,”

“Know the fuckin’ feelin’,” he groaned, pushing you backward onto the awaiting bed, his mouth clumsily finding yours in a messy snog, his hands obviously focused on something else;

“Please get those pretty tits out fo’ me,” he growled, his hot hands everywhere all at once, all at once, all at once yesyesyesyes, and God it felt so good, pulling at your dress and squeezing your hips and cradling your pyretic cheeks, “Been teasin’ me all night like the whore you are, mhm, such a little whore, yes,” finally, he managed to rip your pretty black dress right down the middle, your breasts bouncing as they were revealed to him.

His feverish, insistent mouth eagerly found one of your nipples, nipping the soft bud between his teeth. In return, you gasped, thrusting your chest forward ohohohohfuck and yanking on his salty hair. He sucked on it until the bud pebbled, hard against his tongue, and the other breast received the same treatment, Roger always being one for fairness.

“Lay down, c’mon,” his voice was a soft whine, a palm on your shoulder to push you backward onto the luxurious mattress, on which you fell against like one of those rich white girls in chick flicks, collapsing after a long day of retail therapy.

And before your brain could process what he up to, the bag of cocaine was in his hand, and he poured a generous line over the dip in between your breasts, a mischievous grin lighting up his face as he did so.

“Mhm, let’s get it all over, that’s it, all over your pretty tits,” he simpered, his chest heaving with anticipation and arousal, as he tidied up the line with his fingertips, “Always wanted to do this, gettin’ high off your body, mhm…”

“Oh, you’re filthy!” You gasped, as he pressed his soft, upturned nose in the valley, not even bothering with the rolled up fiver. Holding one nostril closed, he snorted the fine powder all in an alarmingly fast fluid motion, your hand entangled in his hair to hold him close to you as he did so, before he shot up like a person possessed.

“Oh, shit!”

He was a flurry of blurry blonde locks as shook his head from side to side, almost violently, his body positively trembling when he was done as he sniffed hard, a final time. His eyes rolled back in his head briefly, before fixating on your lips, and stating in a deadpan voice as clear as day;

“I might die if I don’t fuck you right now.”

You thought it impossible for your heart to race any faster than it was, but your body proved you wrong, your head and the inside of your wrists and every limb pounding hard and fast to the rhythm of the organ, like one of Roger’s particularly fast drum beats that left him panting and shaking from adrenaline (in fact, not so different from his current state).

“Fuck me then, would you? I’m so wet I think I’ve made a mess,” your voice was a soft, hoarse, giggle, as you looked down to find a noticeable dark patch on the white lacy g-string you’d had the foresight to wear.

“See! Oops!” You laughed loudly, slipping your fingers past the material to rub your throbbing clit, throbthrobthrobbing godyouweresowet, and you pouted teasingly when Roger could do nothing but stare. “What, don’t you want me, Rogie?”

His eyes flickered shut as they rolled backward again, showing you the whites as painful, animalistic whimper left his throat. His hands fumbled at a speed you’d never seen before to unbuckle his belt, tugging down his flared denim jeans (that were all the rage at the moment).

While he did so, you removed your fingers from their place over your core, you brought them to your mouth, taking your index and pointer fingers to the knuckle, before dragging them down over your lips.

Finally managing to slide the leader belt through the loops of his jeans, Roger shook his head as you this, his gaze almost becoming furious and disapproving as he leant toward you and nudged your hand away from your mouth, replacing your fingers with his own.

“Uh-uh,” he scolded, “Don’t you dare tease me like that now, lovie.”

You sucked eagerly on his fingers, tongue running thoroughly over the tips of each, kissing and sucking and perhaps wanted them rubbing over your needy clit instead.

As if reading your mind, Roger’s fingers withdrew slicky from your mouth, spanking the sweet bundle of nerves between your legs, just enough that you convulsed, shuddering at his touch; “Fuck!”

“Open your mouth,” he commanded, forcefully taking your face in his hand and squeezing your cheeks until you obeyed, eyes crazed and jubilant.

With a soft hum, he let a single strand of his saliva drip from his mouth to yours, dribbling slowly onto your awaiting tongue, as you swallowed eagerly and jutted your chin out proudly to show him your efforts.

“Tha’s my girl.”

“Can you fuck me now, please?” You moaned, sliding your knickers past your ankles to toss them over Roger’s shoulder, all the while giving him the sexiest puppy dog eyes you were able to muster up.

“Since you asked so nicely.” Yanking his boxer shorts off and kicking them toward the foot of the bed, you finally got to wrap your hand around his length as it bobbed upward to tap against his tummy, beads of precum leaking from the tip, feeling the throb of his erratic drug fuelled heartbeat pulse through his shaft.

“Such a needy boy,” you whispered, legs spreading earnestly as you greedily guided his palpitating member to your core. The cherry coloured blush that was the head of his cock slid past the swollen lips of your cunt, and the both of you shivered in a bout of ecstasy, moaning against each other as Roger clutched you to his chest.

He then slid out of you slowly, before immediately jerking his hips back toward you, making you scream, digging the heel of your foot into his back.

“You’re so bloody wet,” he gasped, collapsing his weight onto his forearms as his thrusts continued the erratic pace he’d established moments before, one slow thrust, and then fastfastfastfaster-

“You’re so fucking huge, oh my God, I love your cock, I love your cock, I love-”

-until he returned to his teasingly slow pace. Whimpering, you hid your face in the crook of your elbow, eyes squeezed shut as you shakily begged your boyfriend to increase his pace.

“I’ll fuck you how I like,” he grunted, angling his cock in a way that it only just nudged your g-spot, making your toes curl as his hips finally found the familiar rhythm that you so adored: fast, steady, and hard.

The room resumed its spinning motion from earlier as his cock sent you into a bout of euphoria, his balls making the filthiest noises you’d ever heard as their momentum caused them to slap against your your dripping pussy.

“You feel so fucking good, holy fuck,”

His cock made a slick, wet sound as he pulled out of you, and you whined, cunt clenching around nothing, so emptyemptyempty.

“Why’d you stop?”

“Get on your hands n’ knees, c’mon love, c’mon, need t’be back in your cunt,” He was panting, his hair soaking with sweat, his palms so warm so hot so boiling, as they found your waist to flip you over, making you titter deliriously as you landed on your front, ass in the air and cheek against the soft dawn of the mattress.

“Pass us the coke, angel,” you felt him smile as he pressed the gentlest of kisses against the back of your shoulder, as you stretched to reach the little bag filled to the brim with euphoria to pass over to your boyfriend.

Catching you by surprise, his palm came down sharply on the supple skin of your ass, as you jolted forward and squealed, clutching the sheets against the sting of your skin that was just the right blend between pleasure and pain.

“You like that, don’t you? Filthy little thing, an absolute slut, horny and dripping, all for who? Hm?”

“For you, for you, only for you, Rog!”

Feeling a tickling sensation between your asscheeks, you knew what Roger was doing immediately, knew he was tapping out what was left of the white powder on the barely-an-inch of skin that separated your two holes.

“Stay still,” he muttered, palms spreading your cheeks apart to bury his face in between them, snorting the powder in a quick, practiced movement.

A slurred jumble of profanities left his mouth as the smaller amount of the drug boosted the euphoria coursing around his system, and he delivered a final spank to your ass, and you yelped and laughed deliriously once more.

“Alright, c’mon, you naughty thing, back up you get,” His staunch arms encircled your waist and lifted you so were you sitting upright.

“Want you t’ride my cock, think you can do that fo’ me?”

“Yes, yes, oh, please, want you back inside me,” you begged, clambering on top of your boyfriend as he settled against the headboard of the bed, his eyes clouded with lust as you rocked desperately against his thigh. “Feel so empty.”

“I can certainly help you with that, darlin’, mhm, oh, oh fuck,” he grunted as you took a hold of his member and settled down onto it, pushing him inside you.

Grinding your hips against him slowly, it was Roger’s turn to whimper, as his hands squeezed your waist to keep you balanced against him.

“Please, love,” his voice was hoarse, “need to you- oh, yes.”

Using your knees as leverage, you re-commenced the steady tempo, except now you were in charge. You bounced on his cock, taking him right to the hilt every time, your breasts bouncing in front of his face, in and out and in and out outandinoutandin…

You went to throw your head back in a wail of pleasure, but Roger’s hand found the back of your neck to stop you, and he growled,

“Watch. Watch yourself bouncin’ on my cock.”

You looked down at the join of your bodies and moaned gutturally at the sigh of his dick soaked in your wetness, his veins pink and throbbing, so pretty, God his cock was gorgeous-

You reached down to rub your stiff, hard, slit, your movement becoming messier and erratic, Roger announcing;

“I’m so close, love, I’m so close-”

“Come inside me, I don’t care, please, want you in my cunt, Rog, please,”

“Bloody fuckin’-”

You didn’t need to tell him twice. Your words alone prompted a callous growl from his diaphragm, his muscles seizing and spasming as his warm seed covered the walls of your pulsing cunt, hips jerking of their own accord as he emptied himself inside you.

The feeling of his cum inside you, paired with the stunning sight of his orgasm, pushed you to your own.

“Roger, Roger, oh my God, Roger-!” The coil in your stomach popped, your eyes rolling backward as they did when you took your first line of the drug, falling into his chest as your trembled.

“Tha’s it pretty girl,” he encouraged, still shaking from his own orgasm and the cocaine and everything was just overwhelming as you came all over his cock, “Tha’s it, come for me, fuck, you’re clenching so hard-”

And that’s when you squirted all over his cock, drenching him with your cum, almost looking like a person having a seizure.

If he had it in him, Roger could have come again right then and there. His ego certainly inflated a solid few degrees (although it was already relatively huge; c’mon, this was the 70s), because he did that to you. He made you squirt all over his cock, and forget the cocaine; that was the most powerful feeling was capable of experiencing.

Rolling off of you in a tangle of limbs, Roger’s breathing was hoarse and loud and rough as he fought to catch his breath.

“Fuck, that was hot.”

Eyes heavily lidded, the tiny floating pinprick sized silver stars still sporadically clouding your vision, you sighed contently, feeling fuzzy and happy and high as a kite and most importantly, in love.

You knew it wouldn’t last long; the inevitable crash would creep up on you out of nowhere and have you reaching for a cigarette or glass of wine, or, most likely, Roger’s arms, where you’d have a good cry for no particular reason.

“Rogie?” You murmured, rolling on your side to rest your head on his shining chest, hearing his turbulent heartbeat thunder against your ear.

“Yes, angel?” His eyes were still bright and misty from the drug, and yet, they surveyed yours carefully, his arm wrapping around you. “That was fun, dontcha think?”

“‘Course,” you smiled, “like having your cum inside me, all dripping out.”

“Fuckin’ Christ,” he kissed you again, “n’ I love marking you up, darlin’, letting everyone know you’re mine, all mine, mine, mine…”

He smiled his perfect little cheeky schoolboy grin, “Love you, angel, you know that? ‘Cos I do, I love you, wanna be yours n’ fuck you forever.”

Your vision was hazy, the last of the cocaine beginning to thin in your blood, the crash creeping up on you as the seconds ticked by-

“I love you, Rog.”

-but, boy, could Freddie throw a party. And Roger: he was worth it.

[ellana-ravenwood]

Salt, Tequila, Lemon - Jason Todd x Reader

Please read this intro, thank you very much :  

So. I posted this yesterday, but after a bug on the Tumblr app on my phone it got deleted. I’m super bummed out because it had over 200 notes and quite a few feedbacks that I never got to read because it was accidentally deleted...If the people that took the time to comment things on the story could take a bit more time to write a little comment again and give me their feedbacks, and also if the people that liked and reblog could do it once more...i’d appreciate the hell out of you <3.  So reposting it (thanks god I always have back ups of all my stories now). Written in twenty minutes during my break at work. Bam. Hope you’ll like it :

Also, since Tumblr’s new guidelines and enforcement of it, I DON’T really appear in searches anymore, so the only way for this story to be seen by others than those who follow me is to reblog it. So if you wanna, you can show your support for my writing by doing just that. Thanks very much. You can find my masterlist here : @ella-ravenwood-archives

_________________________________________________

Ok. So. Grandma’s remedy against heartbreak ? Oh, right. 

Salt. Tequila. Lemon. 

Got it. Licking the back of your hand to make the salt stick to it, you pour yourself a massive shot of “To-Kill-Ya” in your coffee mug, not even caring about the fact that there is still some remnant of your cappuccino from last night in it. 

You focus on the sound the liquid makes as it fills your cup. Makes you think about something else. Good. Yup. This was totally gonna help right now. 

“Cheers”, you exclaim to yourself, your empty apartment echoing your voice. 

Salt. 

Wincing. Stingy. Salt on its own is gross. 

Tequila. 

More wincing. Oh my god, it burns. The coffee that was still at the bottom of the cup is an oddly nice touch. 

Lemon. 

The last of the Wincing. 

You spit the piece of lemon you just bit into in the trash and…miss. The yellow fruit falls with a little flat sound on the floor, and you honestly can’t bother to pick it up. Your apartment is a mess anyway, so you just stare at it angrily and pour yourself another drink. 

Salt. Tequila. Lemon. 

You gulp the last of the citrus and shiver. Miss the trash again. 

Damn. This was good. 

Well, actually, it was disgusting. 

You didn’t like strong alcohol and what the Hell ?! Why did you leave a bit of coffee in your cup ? Now that the aftertaste was kicking in, it was actually really gross. If the tequila itself didn’t make you wanna throw up, the stale coffee taste nearly did. Oh, and the salt and lemon combination was as awful as ever. 

You really didn’t like salt, tequila, or lemon. 

But it was still good. 

Because thanks to all this immediate awfulness, you could slowly feel yourself drift into “haze land”, and forget about your worries. 

Forget that your boyfriend of two years just cheated on you with some random woman you worked with. Woman that, by the way, he met at the Christmas “end of the year” party from you work you invited him to…You gave him free champagne and mise-en-bouche and all your love, and he broke your heart. 

It wasn’t your thing, to drink your sorrow away. And it wasn’t your thing either to wallow because of a man…But you genuinely thought he was “the one” (oh what a mistake you would soon realize that was). 

He was always so nice, treating you like a princess. He complimented you daily, and never forgot an important date. He was affectionate, not to an annoying point. He was the perfectamount of affectionate. He was a gentleman and seemed to love you and yet, he betrayed you. 

If a man like him, that was nothing short but sweet and passionate with you, cheated on you, then did that mean you couldn’t trust anyone ? 

Because in your eyes right now, he was perfect. Albeit said eyes were slightly clouded by a a few tequila shots. 

You were downing a fourth drink starting to slowly sob when…

There’s very few things that can get you out of a drunk state in seconds. 

An extremely cold shower could do the trick, for instance. Brings you back to your senses a bit you know ? You wouldn’t magically be sober, but you’d get a clearer mind. Or someone giving you shocking news ! Or like, an event so incredible that your body just forgets how drunk it is for a minute. 

And this event, for you, came at the perfect time. 

Right when you were entering your “sad drunk” phase, which was between the “lol alcohol does NOTHING to me” phase where you downed most of your drinks, and the “dancing on the bar’s counter” phase (a few more drinks and you would have a one woman dance party in your living room, acting as if you were on a bar’s counter and that your name was suddenly “Britney”).

Right when you were about to wallow times a thousand, and cry, and yell “whyyyyyyy ?!” to the sky, arms in the air (drama queen). 

Years later, looking back on that particular event, you’ll start to realize that Destiny HAS to exist. Because come on, it was just too perfect a timing to be a simple coincidence. 

You were about to swallow up your fifth drink, launching yourself head first into the “sad phase” when an ear shattering noise rang all around your apartment. 

Broken glass. 

It was the sound of broken glass. Heightened to the max by your drunkness. You turned on your stool, and…there he was. 

It was a guy. That you were sure of because he had no boobs and too much pecs. And that guy…well that guy just flew right through your window, destroying it. How rude. 

There was glass everywhere. 

How much did a window cost ? Probably a fortune. 

You wondered briefly if you could just use aluminium foil and tape the shit up. There was nothing of value to steal in your apartment anyway, and if aluminium foil could keep meals warm, it definitely worked with a house too right ? 

You sobered up quite a bit, but you were also very drunk when this event happened, so your mind was still in that cloudy weird phase where your priorities were…interesting. 

You worried more about the broken window at first, than about that guy who just launched through it. 

A guy. 

Not just any guy. 

You saw that guy before. 

He was one of those night vigilante your crazy hometown was filled with…RED HOOD !! 

“Thick thighs”, is the first thing you thought right after you recognized him (priorities). 

The second thing you thought was that you needed another drink, and so you downed what was your fifth one, but with that crazy thing happening ended up being on the same level as if it was a second one. You were tipsy, but not “drunk” anymore. 

The third thing that came to your mind was…Is he still alive ? 

No cause, he was like, just laying there, on your living room’s floor, not moving. 

“…Outch.” 

Oh. He spoke. 

So he ain’t dead. Good, means you can have another drink then, you don’t need a clear mind to call an ambulance or something. 

Oddly enough, in your half-drunk half-sober state, this sounded completely reasonable. Nevermind if Red Hood had some internal bleeding or something. He talked. He was probably fine. 

A minute passed, and you just sat there, sipping up your tequila in between taking a pinch of salt and biting into a piece of lemon. 

Salt, tequila, lemon. Great remedy against heartbreaks. 

Wait, were you heartbroken ? Really ? You couldn’t really recall that fact now. But, yeah…it was the reason why you were drinking right ? Because right now, all you could think about was the fact that this Red hood guy had abs for days…

This unforeseen event sobered you up quite a bit, but the two shots you just took kinda brought you back to the same state than you were before.

Well. Not quite. You were drunk as hell again, but seemed to have avoided the “sad phase”. Instead, Red Hood bursting quite literally through your window took you to another road. 

The : “Cool, I got a drinking buddy phase”. Well, taking for granted he didn’t have any internal bleeding and wouldn’t die while biting into a lemon wedge. 

“Tough day ?” 

You ask him, as he slowly sits up and shakes his head, trying to regain his senses. He looks towards you and seem surprised (or at least you think he is, because he wears a mask so…kinda hard to tell). 

************

Jason definitely thought he was alone in this place, because no sane person would just sit there, not saying anything, as someone simply jumped through their window. Nope, most people would just freak out. Scream. 

He knows, because it’s not the first time he falls through a window during a night on duty. And every single time it happened, people freaked out. Screamed. Threw stuffs at him, or hid away begging for their life to be spared. 

And yet here you were, half a bottle of tequila in front of you, surrounded by lemon wedges you bit into, and table salt all over your hand, just staring at him curiously. And did you just say : “tough day” ?  

Well, Jason guessed the empty half of the bottle was why you were so chilled about it all. He sat up, and slowly got back to his feet. 

Usually, going through a window meant the end of the night for him. He’d go back to one of his secret stash, patch himself up and get some rest. Most of the time, he fell through windows because someone pushed him or threw him there…Though today, he just embarrassingly missed a step and fell by himself. 

Of course, no one would ever now he tripped while jumping from one building to another (you lived on the last floor) and went careening into your home (and life). Nope, the official story would be that he fought a fierce enemy and was thrown into that window. Finding fake villains name was easy, given how truly ridiculous some could be. 

Tim and Damian were still after the “Illusive Blue Man” that he totally made up that one time he walked into a poll and had a huge black eye that he couldn’t quite explain…Oh man, he had to stop telling such elaborate lies and just say “I fought with a few guys last night” without more explanation. 

But he couldn’t help it. And those kids believed everything he said, it was too tempting…But for now, this wasn’t the issue. Nope. 

He did a quick check of his body and knew he wasn’t really hurt (thanks “dad” for the amazing body armor ugh ?), so he was planning on leaving that poor girl’s house and send a mystery check in the mail to pay for the damage (money stolen from a certain Bruce Wayne of course, as if he would pay himself). 

Yup. He was just gonna stand up, and go on his way and…somehow, he found himself sitting on the stool opposite side of this mysterious girl, and now she was peppering salt on his hand ? 

“Salt”, she says, and she has a cute drunk voice. Jason almost forgets he just went through a window a few minutes ago. 

“Tequila”, she continues, downing her drink and pointing at the one she poured him. He doesn’t even care the she poured it in a cereal bowl that she didn’t even seem to have clean…He drunk worst things in worst recipient. He turns away to take off his mask and so that she can’t see his face, and “bottom’s up”. 

“Lemon !” she finishes, biting into the sour fruit and spitting it in the direction of the trashcan but missing completely. The lemon wedge goes to lost itself amongst his fallen brothers…

Jason bites into his own lemons, and spits it. Right into the garbage. 

There’s a slight pause, where she just stares at the trashcan, and then at Jason, back to the trashcan, and then turns to him again and simply says : 

“Wow.” 

************

So. This was surreal. 

Here you were. In your home. Taking tequila shots. With…Red Hood. 

One of Gotham’s night vigilante. The most violent one. But the dude seemed chilled. He was holding his liquor really well. 

And now you were talking about your broken heart, telling him the story as if he’d been your friend for years. And he was listening. Intently. And reacting to what you were saying. It had been a LONG time, since you had this kind of talk with anyone, and despite the fact you were drunk, you still noticed how nice it felt to have someone to talk to. Someone that genuinely listened. 

“And then he slept with her !” you say angrily. 

“Nooooooo !?!” 

“Yes, he did ! He slept with…with…what was her name…”

“Nicole. From accounting.” 

“Right, Nicole from accounting ! That bitch ! She always just…counts and shit ! And he slept with her ! Nicole from accounting ! Whom he met thanks to me, by the way ! At a partyyyy !! At my wooooork !!” 

“What an ass.” 

“Right ?! Oh but he had such a good ass though…Quite firm. But whenever he wore jeans, it was super flat.” 

“So, not such a good ass in the end then ?” 

“I guess not. You have a good ass. Popping right out in this outfit of yours.” 

Red Hood chuckles, and the sound of his laughter makes you forget that you just said something incredibly embarrassing. His voice is…nice. Deep. Manly. You like it. You wanna make him chuckle some more, so you say, hoping : 

“And it looks very firm. Not just quite firm.” 

It works. He snorts and it’s very cute. Oh wow. He can be sexy and cute. Full package. You smile a bit dreamily. 

For a second, he’s lost in that smile of yours, and there’s a silence installing itself in the room. A comfortable one. That you break : 

“Ok. So now, he’s not that perfect anymore ! He got no ass ! Penalty points ! I never notice how un-assed he was before…” 

Jason smiles and damn. He’s hot. 

Somewhere along the way, he stopped turning his face away from you whenever he took a shot, and just ended up taking his helmet off. He was probably hoping that you’d black out or something, so you wouldn’t remember his face (or he just didn’t care). 

In any case, you were pretty sure you never saw him before. His face kinda reminded you of an old memory. Of someone you saw somewhere long ago, when you were a kid…Which wasn’t really a big help right ? 

Right. You had no idea who he was. And in your drunken state, probably couldn’t piece anything together anyway. So even if you did know who he could be, you wouldn’t know in the end anyway…Makes perfect sense right ?

What you knew was : he’s hot. 

This white streak in his hair did something to you that you couldn’t explain. And that jawline ? You would love to get cut on that bitch.  It could actually cut a bitch, you were sure of it. Those blue eyes ? You’ve never seen someone with such blue eyes. And did you mention to yourself how muscular he was ? Because man you only saw guys like this in magazines ! 

But beyond his handsome features, he seemed like a nice guy. Like he was listening to you, a total stranger. And this realization suddenly raised your guard up. 

You also thought that your ex-cheating-boyfriend was a nice guy. And come to think of it, who the hell just barge in someone’s home like that, and actually stay to drink tequila shots ?! Wait but…in your guts…it’s not like with your ex. 

You don’t think he’s a nice guy. You know he is. 

************

There’s a visible shift in your mood, after this realization. So far, you talked to him about your broken heart freely, and he listened. 

Oddly enough, no words that came out of your (perfect) mouth bored him. Jason wasn’t sure wether it was the alcohol or not, but you captivated him. 

But in a split second, and without him knowing why, your features changed. You were now frowning. Like an unhappy little kid. It was kinda cute, but he didn’t like it because…why were you frowning ? 

He tries to lighten up the mood and says : 

“Well here you go. See, you didn’t loose the perfect guy, his ass was flat in jeans. Can’t work with that, can you ? I bet we can find other flaws. Make you realize he actually was a looser.”  

Your guard is up, but you can’t help but smile a bit, plus you were frowning just now because you realized you just knew you could trust that total stranger, and it was so weird…. 

Besides, no harm in indulging this, because you’re pretty sure it’ll make you feel better to try and see the bad side of your ex-boyfriend, not just his good ones. No one was perfect. And so, still a bit careful, you say : 

“Well…He never got any of my Tv shows or movie references.” 

“Well, here’s a point to take off of his “perfectness”. Doesn’t get pop culture references. Deal breaker.” 

“Yeah…Yeah you’re right. It is. He also used to hate when I made jokes. I like puns ya know ? Terrible ones. Well, he was always embarrassed whenever I made them in public.” 

“Ashamed of his girlfriend, doesn’t sound very gentlemanly, right ?” 

“Yeah. It doesn’t. Maybe he wasn’t such a perfect gentleman…He also used to not want to go out with me if I didn’t wear any make-up and was dressed just casually.” 

“What you mean, he never just went out with you ?” 

“We only went out on dates. I had to dress up. I could be casual home though…” 

“Well goodie, the man let you be yourself when you were home. Big deal. To be honest, sounds like a douchey move.” 

“That was kinda douchey…I never cared what he looked like.” 

And it’s true. For you, physical appearance wasn’t everything. And sure you thought your ex was hot and all, but only because you liked his personality too. You liked his jokes, you were never ashamed of anything he said. 

And right now, sure that stranger that bursted through your window was hot, but the reason you felt like you could tell him things was because he just made you comfortable by his mere aura. Because he gave you such a good vibe. 

You never were fully about appearances. It was always just a bonus for you…So it never occurred to you why your ex would only hang out in public with you if you were pampered. Like he used to hate when you just wore hoodies and no make-up, even if you didn’t need make-up to be beautiful. 

Comes to think of it, he was very much about appearances…Uh. Interesting. You never realized that before. 

You turn to Red Hood, and the look on your face says it all. You’re slowly realizing maybe you didn’t just lost “the one”. The vigilante says : 

“Ok, so : no ass, no humor apparently, doesn’t get pop culture references, and was kind of a jerk when it came to going out with you…” 

“He did tell me often that I was beautiful though. Including when I just woke up from a night out, and was awful looking.”

“Yeah, but he never went out with you looking like that. He shouldn’t feel ashamed of hanging out with you looking like that. Just like he shouldn’t feel embarrassed when you joke. He can be exasperated, like if you really make bad puns, sure. And he can think it’s unfunny…But embarrassed ? No.” 

“I guess…I never thought about it.” 

“Well let me tell you, as someone who does not know neither you nor him personally, he sounds like a bit of a jerk. Let’s not forget he cheated as well. Like, that’s not something good people do. Especially not with…Nicole from accounting.” 

“Nicole from accounting…Yeah. They’re together now though.” 

“So ? He should’ve broken up with you if he realized he liked her. That’s the right thing to do. Trust me on that, I put villains behind bars for a living, I know what’s right or wrong.” 

“I heard you kill criminals.” 

“Used to. I used to kill criminals, I had issues. I’ll tell you one day if you wanna. It’s a real tear jerker story. With clowns and crowbars. And I’m telling you that because I’m drunk, right now. Also, if we want to be specific, I don’t actually make a living out of putting villains behind bars. Like, I don’t get paid or anything…” 

Jason finds himself ranting about anything that comes to his mind, and though he hears himself claim it’s because of the alcohol he’s saying all this, he realizes maybe there’s something else making him want to talk. 

You. A total stranger he walked upon. Or rather, went-through-the-window upon.  Who didn’t freak out when he went through said window. And instead, invited him over to have tequila shots. 

Because, according to your grandmother, the best remedy to…basically any problems in life, was “salt, tequila, lemon”. 

“She was a wise woman.” 

He says, and you turn to him, clearly not understanding what he was talking about. 

“Who ?” 

“Your grandma. For saying that salt, tequila and lemon was a great remedy against heartbreaks and all.” 

“Oh. Yeah. I wouldn’t know, I never met her. She died before I was born.” 

“Well what she passed on to your parents is great.” 

“What ?”

“Well, that “salt, tequila and lemon” thing, I assume she said that to your mom or dad, and then they said that to you, and then it became your grandma’s advice. Right ?” 

“…Nah. It’s an excuse I made up. Whenever I need to justify something, I just say “like my grandma said, ain’t no shame in eating an entire tub of ice cream if you want to”, and then people are just like “oh yeah, cool”, because when you say the word “grandma”, then it gives a perspective to your words ya know ?” 

Jason had no idea what you were on about, but he loved it. You seemed to be very smart. And witty. And funny. The hell did that guy cheated on you for ? And why was he ashamed of going out in public with you when you weren’t dressed up ?! 

You currently wore “Hello Kitty” pyjamas, had absolutely no make up on, and your hair was a mess, and he thought you looked gorgeous.

“Why are you so nice ?” 

Your question takes him by surprise, and for a few seconds he doesn’t register it and just says : “ugh ?” 

“To me. Why are you so nice to me ? Is it the alcohol ? Does it make you nice ? Or are you just nice to every stranger ? Every girl you destroy the windows of ? Or are you like my ex ? You seem nice, but then you go off and cheat on your girl simply because you like another girl and you’re too cowardly to break up with your current girl ?” 

Jason hiccups slightly, and says : 

“No, I’m not nice to any girl I met. I’m actually usually kind of a jerk, too “brutally honest”. But you…I don’t know. You give me good feelings. Oh and here’s to add on his flaws list. “Coward”. Can’t even break up with a girl, has to wait to get caught red-handed and break her heart. Cooooward. Bad flaw. Kind of guy who runs in the face of danger, instead of standing by you.” 

It’s probably the fact that he said “you give me good feelings” that spurs this in you. That gives you a new clearer perspective on things. 

“My heart wasn’t broken.”

It’s a shock, to you. This realization. This sudden feeling jumping in your face. You…are not heartbroken. You’re mad. You’re frustrated. You feel betrayed. You feel a crazy burning anger towards your ex for toying around with you like that. For not having the balls to just break up, after spending two years together. 

He was suppose to know you. To be your friend. Things could have turned out better. He could have just come up to you, say the truth, and…You were pretty sure you’d still be friend. Because he really was a great guy. 

He really was all the good thing you though about him. He made a mistake, an unforgivable one in your book. But he was a great guy. 

He was just…not your great guy. Not anymore at least. 

And you realized, there, quite drunk, that…It was ok.  

Your heart wasn’t broken.  

Your heart wasn’t broken. 

Your pride was. Your trust was. But your heart ? …Maybe you weren’t completely in love with him. You were best friends, yes, but love ? Maybe it wasn’t love…

Your heart wasn’t broken. 

“My heart isn’t broken.” 

You tell Red hood, looking at him right in his wonderful ocean blue eyes. And he looks right back at you, and just nods. Just like that. And then he pours you one last tequila shot. 

Because like your grandma would say : “When you make great discovery about yourself…Salt, tequila, lemon”. 

************

It took you only a few hours with him to realize that you weren’t in love with your ex, and that was kinda scary. Because this realization didn’t come from nowhere. 

Nope. 

But when he said that your ex broke your heart, you felt obligated to tell him that no. No your heart wasn’t broken. You were sad and angry, yes, but not heartbroken. For you, in that moment, it was important for this total stranger to know you weren’t actually in love. 

Hell, you didn’t even know yourself you weren’t that in love before you talked to him. It just came as a sudden, yet utterly true revelation. 

Because, and this wasn’t the alcohol speaking…You felt incredibly attracted to that guy. To Red Hood. Not just because of the white streak in his hair, and the eyes, and smile, and voice, and abs, and thick thighs. That too, sure, but not only…Nope. 

Nope. Not because of this. 

But because he had a tough day (he said so himself, explaining to you how he went through the window…he was fighting a super-villain when he got flung through your window, tough tough time ahem), and yet he sat with a crazy lady that peppered salt on his hand and practically forced him to take a tequila shot…

Because you could see in his eyes, and felt in your guts that he didn’t have an easy life…and yet he took a break from whatever he was doing to just sit with you and listen to you. He didn’t even make sense, that you trusted those feelings so fiercely. And yet, you did. Because he listened to you. 

He saw you were struggling and he stayed. And though you felt you couldn’t trust anyone at that time…You oddly felt like he was ok. 

Like he wouldn’t be the kind of guy to cheat, or run in the face of danger, leaving you all alone to fight off demons. 

In a few short hours, you fell for this guy more than you ever fell for your ex. 

What did that say about you uh ? …That was pretty pathetic…

************

Jason didn’t think that you were pathetic at all. 

On the contrary. If he went to seat with you, and drink with you, is because he was instantly mesmerized by you. 

And though he didn’t know at first why, now he was sure of it. 

It’s because you didn’t freak out. And something told him it wasn’t only because you were a bit drunk (he fell in drunk people’s home before…none reacted like you). 

Nope. It was because you were special. He just knew it. Special in every way. Funny. Beautiful. Genuinely listening to him when he was speaking. 

He peppered his own problems within your story, as you told him. And you listened. Hell, even referenced a few things he said early on, way later, while you were crazy drunk. You listened. 

You gave a total stranger that seemed to have a tough day some salt. And tequila. And lemons. 

And then you cared. You asked him a thousand times if he was ok, and he basically had to take off his armor to prove it so (to your eyes’ greatest pleasure…mm mm mm those muscles). 

Captivated. He was captivated by you. It was strange, and though he knew it was because you were special, he still was unclear as to why his feelings were that strong. 

For someone he just met. And barely knew. And only knew while drunk. 

You were just…Special. 

************

It was surreal. The all thing. 

What started as a night where you planned on wallowing your pain and drinking…ended up changing your life. 

And no one could convince you that it wasn’t Fate. Because what were the odds that Red Hood would fall through YOUR window after tripping (yeah you didn’t buy that “fighting super-villains thing” at all) ?

What were the odds of his timing being so perfect, arriving just before you started to cry ? Because there was no doubt in your mind that if he had come a few seconds later, he wouldn’t have stayed. 

He would have found a crying mess, and maybe he would have tried to confort you but…You wouldn’t have answered. In your “sad phase”, you only cry and whine. He would have eventually left. And the wonderful talk you’d just have, would never have happened. 

But instead. He came right before your lips touch that fatal shot of tequila that would have brought you into the “sad phase”. And took your drunkness down a notch. Rerouted your evening. 

You weren’t wallowing anymore, you were ranting. 

Sharing your anger and frustration. 

And he helped you realize that your ex wasn’t that perfect…That maybe it was just not meant to be…After all, he cheated on you. 

Uh. What a shame. You didn’t even know his name…”Red Hood”…

You wished you knew his name. 

************

The morning lights were rising, and the bottle of tequila was long gone. 

There were still salt and lemons though. For some reason, you decided to buy the entire grocery store’s stock of lemons. 

Red Hood stood up, and said he had to go. 

He was nice about it. Said it was a pleasure to have spend the night with you. You both laughed about the innuendos that ensued. 

You were exactly on the same page. And he understood all your joke referencing to pop culture… 

But it was time for him to go. And he apparently had no intention of telling you his real name. He didn’t hint either at ever coming back to see you again. 

And there was that. Just a nice night, spend talking to a genuine friend that you’ll never see again. 

A genuine friend that you didn’t even know a few hours before. 

Maybe it was the alcohol speaking. Maybe not. 

And even if you ended up never seeing him again, this evening truly changed your life…At least, it saved you from a heartbreak. Made you realize it wasn’t that.

Though, now, as he climbs out of the window again (he couldn’t possibly use the front door), you feel like the actual heartbreak is starting. 

Grandma’s remedy against heartbreak ? Right. 

Salt, tequila, lemon…

But the tequila is all gone. 

“I’ll send someone to fix that window…Sorry again about that. …Bye.” are his last words, and then he’s out. 

And the tequila is all gone. 

************

… 

…

…

…

Days pass by in a blur. 

Salt. Tequila. Lemon. 

Ugh. But you don’t want to this time. You don’t want to get drunk to forget. 

You don’t want to forget him. And you know it’s ridiculous to get that worked up over a guy you met one night and that will never come back. That you didn’t even know the name of. 

This entire night was weird anyway. 

Getting drunk with a dangerous night vigilante. Pouring your heart out to him, and him doing the same. The hell were you even thinking ? 

Salt. Tequila. Lemon. 

That would be a good idea to do this right now, because man…your heart hurt. More than when you discovered your ex sleeping with Nicole. From accounting. But you can’t resolve yourself to drink. To forget. Nope. Instead you…

*Knock knock knock*. 

Uh ? You take a quick look at your clock in the kitchen.10 pm. Who the hell is coming at 10 pm ?! It can only be bad news. Especially in Gotham…You peep into the eyehole and…

WHAT ?! 

You open your door quickly, and… 

“Told you I’d send someone to fix your window.” 

It’s him. It’s Red hood. But in…civilian clothes. 

His ass doesn’t look flat in jeans. 

He’s holding a window wrapped in cardboard, and there’s a toolbox at his feet. 

“Yeah, you did…come in.” 

************

Jason Todd. 

That’s his name. And connections are fast to be made in your brain. Jason Todd. Bruce Wayne’s adopted son. That supposedly died…ten years ago. 

And is Red Hood now. Oh. It makes sense. Even his little “killing criminals” thing while Batman never killed. You easily put two and two together. 

Red Hood. Jason Todd. Bruce Wayne. 

Wow. Can’t believe you never guessed that before. Of course Bruce Wayne is Batman. He’s got the motive, the means, the excuses…It’s so obvious. And yet, you never realized. And no one else in Gotham ever realized. 

Jason Todd. 

Now you know his name. 

And he’s fixing your window. Nobody ever fixed windows for you before (even those who broke it).

Um. To add to the “perfect man” list : “Handy”. 

Jason Todd.  

He quickly works the window up, and then he turns to you. While he was working you talked, as if you knew each other for years. Joking around. Like old friends. Like old extremely good and close friends. 

It fits. It clicks. It’s natural. You and him, him and you. 

Barely knowing each others, and yet knowing each others the best. 

Jason. Todd. 

He turns to you now, and with a smirk, he says : 

“Ya know, my grandma always say that when something good happens to you, you need to celebrate. And I feel like this, right now, you and I, though I have no idea what we’re doing and where it’s going…Well it’s still something to celebrate. And she always says, my grandma, that to celebrate perfectly you need…” 

You smile. 

Yeah. You don’t know where this thing between you two is going, but you do know that you never met someone who so fully understood you. 

And in such a short span of time. And you know you’re not mistaking. It’s a feeling too strong to be a mistake. 

He came back to fix your window for god’s sake. And trusted you enough to tell you his actual name. Without a second thought. Which meant everything. Especially since from all the hint he let slip through last time you saw each others, about his father, well…let’s just say telling people his real name wasn’t really something he was used to. 

But it just works. It fits. It clicks. It’s not like with your ex, because you don’t think you know it does. It just does. The fact that you say those next few words in perfect sync finishes to convince you : 

(“…And she always says, my grandma, that to celebrate perfectly you need…”) 

“Salt, tequila, and lemons.” 

______________________________________________

I’m so mad the Tumblr app crashed and I deleted the original post...Y’all were great and reblogged the hell out of it ! Which is why it got so many notes in such a short span of times. And feedbacks. I haven’t had that many feedbacks on a story in a long time. So just one last time and I won’t bother you with that again : Please, if you enjoyed this story, don’t hesitate to reblog it and share it with others. People who don’t follow me can’t really find my stories anymore so...you’re a big help by spreading them. It’s always very encouraging. 

And if you got the time, feedbacks are always hella appreciated and always make my day a little brighter <3. 

[xxxdragonfucker69xxx]

seal moves in

(i dont remember if i ever posted this so im reposting it, this is from the far far future)

Seven centuries ago the Wyld washed over an entire direction in the wake of a Crusade, and it recedes slowly. Islands of lucidity jut forth like washed-up debris, either raksha playgrounds or remnants of Creation. It is here, scant miles beyond the edge of the world, that Siege Perilous looms. The sun does not reach here, though there is light; the deserts give way to paving-stones and green hills, and a hamlet in the shadow of a castle. The hamlet is empty, long abandoned by the look of it -- but surely less than seven centuries empty, when bleached banners still fly in the square intact. No, these houses were evacuated a mere five years ago, when their ancient hero finally returned to liberate them from raksha encirclement. When the castle's heir took up his rightful seat. When the Seal of Unforgotten Kings came home. A marble statue stands in the Siege's courtyard, gazing down on those who would enter the castle. In those five years, it has seen the Dusk a scant three times. 

A bottle of champagne smashed across its sunburst-crowned brow. "I hereby chrishen thish party... open!" Star declared.

Seal glowered up at him, perched on the statue's shoulder. "Get down from there," he shouted. "I wanted to fucking drink that."

Star shrugged, tossing the neck of the bottle over his shoulder and fluttering down. "Desh brought more, I think. Beshidesh, that shtuff schucksh. Gotta drink like a bucketful to get tipshy."

Des had indeed brought more; various bottles nestled in the crook of her arm, and beside her a white-haired boy labored under what appeared to be picnic baskets laden so high they obscured his face. Des clicked her tongue at him. "You know you don't have to carry all that, Sever," she said. "I could have got a ghost to do it."

Shoulders shrugged carefully on either side of the tower. "I don't mind," a basket at face height replied. Severed Tail of the Serpent Resembles Truth By its Writhing carefully adjusted the tower, distributing the weight more evenly, and continued on his way. Behind him, Des frowned and followed.

+++

Seal flung the castle doors open. "Honey, we're home," he shouted, emboldened by the presence of his friends. The empty hall echoed it back to him, white dust swirling in the corners from the sudden breeze.

Take this seriously, a voice said in his head. Seal could see him out of the corner of his eye: the spitting image of the statue outside, standing ramrod-straight and two heads taller than Seal, running a finger across the breastplate of a nearby suit of armor. Brightest Morning Star frowned at Seal. Is this any way to treat your domicile? The inheritance of centuries?

"Shut the fuck up, old man," Seal muttered through gritted teeth. "You're not even real."

Realer than your cleaning skills, the man responded before Star breezed through the space where he should have been standing. "Scho, where do you want thisch?" he said, louder than usual and brandishing a pilfered bottle of Shadow's brandy. He was pointedly not making eye contact, and Seal recognized that he had heard him talking to his preincarnation.

He flushed with anger. "Do I look like I give a shit?" he snapped. "We're gonna desecrate every fucking room in this castle, I didn't make a fucking itinerary." 

Schtar shrugged and moved on, sweeping his gaze around the castle -- probably doing that dumb Investigation shit again. "Oh, here we go," he said, opening a door. "Big ol' dining hall, kitschen muscht be thish way. C'mon, let'sh shee if they got schomefing to toasht thish bread with." He disappeared into the darkness, and the other Deathknights followed suit.

Brightest Morning Star reappeared in front of Seal, a phantom wind blowing away the nothingness that obscured him. You haven't picked up after yourself since the last time you were here, he reminded the boy disapprovingly. Or the time before that. You could at least sweep up some wreckage before they see. 

Seal grabbed an ornamental vase and flung it at the apparition. It sailed through empty air and smashed against the floor. "Fuck you!" he shouted at the silent hall, but images assailed him behind his eyelids: ruined tapestries with the faces singed away, spears with the hafts snapped in half and buried in discarded shields, the remnants of Seal's last tantrum here. The vast mural of stained glass he knelt before, unable to destroy it, unable to look directly at his predecessor's face. Seal swiped the back of his hand across his eyes, wiping away hot tears. He flung the red droplets on the floor. "Fine!" he declared angrily. "I'll go do your dumb fucking chores. Bitch."

Broom's in the upstairs closet, if it hasn't rotted away, Brightest Morning Star sniped from inside his mind.

+++

The broom was not in the upstairs closet.

Seal stared at the rack where it should have lay, where his-and-not-his memories pictured it beside the dustpan, which was also gone. "Hey, old man," he called out. "Are you fucking senile or did you just have servants do all your shit for you? Don't know where your own goddamn broom is?"

No response. Seal slammed the closet shut, and it rattled the frame pleasingly. "What the fuck now?" he asked out loud. Did someone break into the castle and steal his fucking broom? Glorious First Light loomed in the back of his mind. What if, by taking it from the castle, he'd left it vulnerable?

"Shit, shit, shit," he muttered, and broke into a run. Seal might have hated all this fucking stuff, but it was his fucking stuff. The treasury was filled with priceless First Age artifacts and also a bunch of stuff he'd smashed to pieces, and if some raksha bastard even fucking thought about fucking touching it --

Seal skidded to a halt. There was no raksha bastard. The treasury door was open, and as far as Seal could tell everything was in place. Except for the story crystals he'd smashed to pieces last time he was here, and had left scattered across the floor. As far as Seal could tell, there wasn't even a splinter of crystal on the floor, though their spots on the shelves remained empty.

What the fuck? Seal spun around. The sword he'd bent in half was gone as well, replaced with a completely different one -- a jian instead of a dao. The row of statuettes was artfully arranged to hide the ones Seal had beheaded. Even the trophy case Seal had cut in half was standing straight. He ventured over and tapped a finger against it.

It crashed down -- someone had merely shoved the two halves together so neatly Seal hadn't spotted the join. The noise startled him, and he jumped back -- and, out of the corner of his eye, saw movement. "Hey!" he cried reflexively, and pursued. The castle was a maze of halls and display cases and rooms full of junk, but whoever Seal was chasing seemed to know it like the back of their hand -- Seal only caught a flicker of movement, a flap of cloth disappearing around a corner. "Stop fucking running, bastard!" he shouted, and hurled Glorious First Light.

The spear blasted a crater in the wall at the end of the corridor, coming to rest buried a full hand into the stone -- and a hair's breadth from Des' face, where she was coming around the corner. "Who are you yelling at?" she asked, unflapped, stepping back and tucking her hair back behind her ears. "There's no one here." 

Seal came to a stop with one foot up against the wall, trying to yank the weapon out. "Some -- fucker -- stole my broom," he said, grunting. "And cleaned my fucking treasury." 

Des raised an eyebrow in amusement. "Stole your broom and not your hoard of ancient and extremely valuable relics?" she asked. "And... swept with it? Surely you should be thanking them." 

"I don't know what they fucking did," Seal grumbled. He pulled one last time and finally pulled the spear free, which meant that boy and weapon went tumbling head over heels. From his new position on the floor, Seal swore loudly and freely.

Des' eyes sparked with laughter as she helped Seal to his feet. "Well, if you think the mystery can wait for an hour or two, Star has managed to warm up the pie. Without any slime involved."

"Pie," Seal said fervently, and forgot about the broom entirely.

+++

The pie was burnt. The sandwiches were dry. The brandy tasted like shit. Seal enjoyed the hell out of it all.

They had left the great hall dark and empty and chosen to eat in the kitchen instead. It was cozy, gathered around the slab in the center while the fire blazed in the stove. Des had found a fork and knife; Star and Seal were eating with their hands. Seal wasn't sure Sever was eating at all, but every time he looked there was less food on the plate, so he guessed he must be. Also, Seal was drunk. 

"Sol's own fucking cock," he said, wiping his mouth. "This stuff really fucking tastes like a rat's ass." He slammed the empty glass down on the table and motioned for Des to pour him another shot. "But damn if it doesn't fucking do you."

Star's giggle broke into hiccups. "How do you know what a rat'sh assh tashtesh like?" he managed to slur out. "Eat a lot of rat asshesh in your schildhood?"

"Not as many as your fucking mom," Seal shot back. Star gasped, actually offended, but Sever distracted him with a slice of pie and Seal gloated silently at getting the last word. 

"So," Des said, pouring herself another glass of rose, which Star and Seal weren't allowed to touch (Sever had a small cupful in front of him). "What sort of magnificent things have you got in this castle anyways?"

Seal shrugged around a mouthful of burger (helpfully prepared by Pho ahead of time). "Treasury mostly," he replied. "I raided the armory but there's a bunch more shit in there. Like five fucking rooms full of random junk. East tower's full of little glass things, no idea what they do. Library, chapel, hangar --"

"--hanger?" Star piped up. "Like a big clothesh hanger?"

"I believe Seal means a hangar," Sever cut in smoothly. "Where First Age flying vessels are often stored."

Star's jaw hung open, comically filled with half-mashed mince. "You got airschipsh?"

A grin spread across Seal's face. "Hey, Star. Betcha can't fly faster than a First Age warbird."

"Betscha can't hit me in the air with a Firscht Age warbird," Star countered, and they were off.

+++

This is not the intended use of a warbird.

"Can't hear you over the sound of this fucking warbird!" Seal shouted, over the sound of this fucking warbird. 

These are holy weapons of war, not children's toys!

"Eat my fucking ass," Seal answered hotly, pulling back on the harness-gloves. The warbird responded, thirty thousand pounds of ancient magic carefully yoked to steel and fire, made to cut through behemoths like wet paper. Currently, Seal was trying to keep Star in his sights, though the winged Day Caste was swooping erratically through the air above the Siege Perilous. 

At the very least you could shoot him down, Brightest Morning Star replied a little petulantly. It's commendable how quickly you've picked up the controls, but we both know it's really my hand at the helm. Show me what you can do.

Seal waved a hand dismissively, which caused the warbird to spin alarmingly through the air. "I'm not gonna kill him," he responded when the aircraft was back under control. "Just wanna show off a little."

Oh, and smashing a warbird into him at a hundred miles an hour won't kill him?

"He's got Resistance Charms," Seal said, squinting as he finally lined Star up in the center of his sights -- "He'll probably be fine." -- and rammed the throttle forwards. 

The warbird's skeleton, Seal vaguely remembered his preincarnation vaguely remembering, was made of orichalcum and jade inlaid with starmetal. But all the architectural parts were mundane steel, so it really should have been no surprise when the warbird intercepted Star with a sickening crunch and the nose of the warbird crumpled inwards, Star's body tearing through it like a cannonball and rocketing backwards past Seal's head. Seal whooped even as the warbird began blaring new alarm sirens; orichalcum and steel versus soulsteel and Abyssal, it was no contest.

I hope you're happy with yourself, Brightest Morning Star spat. Try not to land on my best roses.

The ground rose to meet Seal, and everything went black.

+++

When he came to, he was on fire.

Seal yelped and struggled out of the warbird's cockpit, slapping at himself all over. Half his shirt had burned away, and the right leg of his pants tore off entirely as he snagged it on something falling out of the cockpit. The flame didn't blacken his skin like it should have, but it still stung like a bitch, so Seal spent a good minute rolling on the ground and loosing a barrage of curses.

"Having fun?" a voice asked from nearby. Seal righted himself to find Des sitting at a glass table, teacup in hand. They were in the castle's courtyard, though Seal could see a smouldering streak on the roof where the warbird must have caught it on the way down; empty flowerbeds surrounded them, organizing the courtyard in a geomantically auspicious pattern. Seal could remember every flower that had bloomed here once, the perfected Essence they had channeled. None of them were the black roses spilling out where Bloodthorn was planted blade-down in the soil.

"Practically dust," Des said, setting down her teacup and running a hand over the dirt. "Haven't been watered in two thousand years. Still, there's life in these old things yet." She fondled a rose, heedless of the thorns. Seal was dimly aware that she was making a point, and decided not to care. 

"Where's Star?" he demanded. "Fucker owes me fifty yen."

Des shrugged. "He landed over there," she said, indicating a point over Seal's shoulder. He turned to see a divot gouged into the earth, and at the end a pair of craters he had come to associate with the Wings. "Then he got up, mumbled something about his bones, and limped away. Sever was preparing a party in the chapel, so I think he went there to lie down." Seal lit up and turned to go, but Des caught his hand. "Listen, Seal," she said, her voice lower. "Honestly. How are you feeling?"

A butterfly fluttered down to land on a rose. Vibrant blue shimmered against velvet black.

"Weird, honestly," Seal admitted. He came back to flop down into a chair opposite Des. "It's like.... he's still here, obviously, but this place isn't his anymore. It's mine. But he keeps trying to be me, or I keep trying to be him." He grunted in frustration at not having the words, but Des hummed softly and nodded.

"It's complicated," she agreed. "Hard to tell what's you and what isn't. And everything hurts in every direction. You know," she said, saving Seal the awkwardness of having to reply, "you should try talking to Sever sometime. You've got a lot in common."

Seal scoffed. "Sever?" he said scornfully. "I love the guy, but he's got more in common with a filing cabinet than a human being."

Des hummed again. "You might say that. Just as he might say you've got more in common with your spear than with any of us." Seal's anima burst into darkness, but Des laid her hand on his -- gently, communicating her calm. "Exactly," she said. "Exactly." 

Seal grumbled and withdrew his power. "Fine," he said. "Let's go see about this fucking party.

+++

They found Sever and Star in the chapel. Star was laying on a pew, an arm over his eyes, still smoking slightly. The Wings had sawed a hole in the back of the pew so they could drape dejectedly onto the floor. Sever was sitting on the floor, a scroll of parchment rolled out down the center aisle. Seal limped closer to discover that Sever was making exactly the itinerary he hadn't made: a room-by-room schedule that spanned the entire night. 

"Sol fucking Invictus," Seal muttered. "Did you hand write four fucking copies of the same schedule?"

"It is not the same schedule," Sever explained, handing them out. "These also contain personalized information such as alcohol preferences and sleeping arrangements. But, yes."

Des took her itinerary with interest. "My, Sever, this is.... very thought out. You've placed yourself on a team with Seal for chicken?" 

Seal thought he saw the shadow of a blush cross Sever's face. "Star has an advantage because of his wings and Seal has one because of his Caste, so I thought your style of motion would complement Star's best." Des nodded thoughtfully. 

"Yeah! We're gonna fucking kick your assh at schicken!" Star called from the pew, where he was now face down. "Juscht asch shoon asch my fasche shtopsh being on fire."

"You owe me a hundred yen, by the fucking way," Seal called back. Star grumbled and fished around in his pockets for a minute, then flipped him a koku and muttered for him to keep the schange. Seal pocketed it and glared around the room darkly. Colored crystal occupied the entire wall behind the podium, depicting Brightest Morning Star with four arms driving his spear down the throat of a serpentine raksha. There was no sun above Siege Perilous, yet Brightest Morning Star's face shone as though the sun were shining through it. Seal exchanged glares with it for a minute before looking away. "Do we have to fucking start here, though?" he muttered. "I hate this fucking room."

Sever looked down with a frown, pen already in hand, but Des caught his hand before he could start writing. "That's exactly why we're starting here," she said. "I've brought some supplies I think you might enjoy." She reached into a basket and pulled out a small silvery cylinder, with a bump at one end, and handed it to Seal. "Hold it like this," she instructed, "twist that nozzle, and press down. No, hold it the other way --"

A hideous shade of yellow-green filled Seal's vision, and he reflexively flared his anima. As Essence blasted outwards from his body his eyes cleared, and he could see that a faint cloud of that color was still hanging in the air, except for what had been blasted away and was now coating the carpet. Des sighed. "It's paint," she said. "You spray it on the walls and it stays there just about forever. I thought you might like to personalize the wall over there." She indicated Brightest Morning Star's shining disgusting face, and Seal grinned.

"Wake up, Star," he said. "Let's commit some fucking art."

+++

They defaced the chapel. They had a mock war in the armory. Seal let Des raid the library for all she could carry, then they built book forts and launched dictionaries across the room (Cascade of Papercut Terror made its debut to thunderous applause). They got scandalously, outrageously, rip-roaringly drunk in the wine cellars, which were full of booze that must have made even a First Age god-king's constitution take pause. They sang extremely rude songs in the courtyard, and did somersaults on every bed in every bedroom. The castle filled with laughter and dust. 

Eventually, though, even the most powerful of Exalted wear themselves out. Des found a glory-crystal saga in the library, the dramatization of some First Age romance-battle, and they set up in the great hall to watch. The deathknights bundled themselves up with blankets pilfered from the master room and scarfed down candied berries from the pantry. For something produced in a golden age of magic and science, the reenactment was laughably bad, and they spent a pleasant hour flinging critiques and berries at the projection. "Come on, haven't theshe guysh ever shtabbed anyone in the back?" Star shouted. "Thish ish the worsht fucking form I've ever sheen!"

"Completely horrendous," Des agreed as she popped another berry in her mouth. "But she deserves it. My god, anything to make her shut up for a second."

Seal stretched his arms out and yawned. "She talks more than Shadow fucking does when he's trying to justify his dumb shit as extremely wise fucking shit." He glanced around the room. "Hey, quick question. Where the fuck is Sever?"

Star diverted his gaze to scan the room for a moment. "Guessh he shtepped out for a minute," he said. "Maybe he couldn't shtomach the schitty shpeschial effectsh."

"Seriously, Sculpted Seafoam Eidolon is a Terrestrial spell, would it fucking kill them to put some effort in?"

"I'm gonna go find him," Seal declared, standing up and wobbling momentarily from the Exalted-level alcohol in his system. "Nobody gets to miss this shit." 

Des shrugged. "Whatever you say."

+++

Seal found Sever watching the ocean. 

The window at the end of the west hall, Seal knew, looked out onto a perpetually stormy sea with grey skies. Seal knew this cause he was pretty sure there was no fucking sea near Siege Perilous, and had been about to smash through the window and check it out before Brightest Morning Star yelled at him not to. He was never sure if it was a portal to some real sea in Creation or just an illusion, or maybe something else entirely.

Sever was curled up in the windowsill, head turned sideways to stare out over the roiling black waves. Seal thought for sure he would hear him coming up, but Sever was so lost in thought that he didn't notice until Seal tapped him on the shoulder. Only Seal's keenly honed battle senses let him notice the instant of reflexive tension before Sever returned to perfect relaxation and turned to face Seal serenely. "Ah, Seal," he said, sounding professional as ever. "How are you enjoying the festivities?"

Seal snorted. "You kidding?" he asked, moving to sit in the opposite end of the windowsill. "This is the best fucking birthday bash I've had in..... uh, ever. So fucking cheers to you." He mimed raising a glass, and Sever smiled faintly.

"Well," he said, rising smoothly, "I won't obstruct you, then. Continue to enjoy your evening --"

"Whoa, whoa, slow the fuck down," Seal said, catching Sever's wrist and feeling again that reflexive tense. "Where the hell are you going?"

Sever waved a hand vaguely. "To clean," he said, not resisting Seal's pull but not giving in. "The kitchen should be scoured, and though I understand the art in the chapel is to be a permanent fixture I'd like to sharpen up the edges and cover some of the more fragile --"

"Hang the fuck on," Seal said, as his brain finally caught up with what Sever was saying. "Was that you earlier, that cleaned up the fucking armory and then ran the fuck away like some kind of freak? What did you do that for? How did you know there was shit in there?" Sever looked like he was trying to answer every question at once, but Seal didn't let him get a word in edgewise. "For fuck's sake, dude, we brought you here to have fun, not to be some weird shadow with a broom. Live a little! Have some fucking fun, man!"

"As a matter of fact, Seal, I am enjoying myself. In my own way." Sever sounded slightly put off by Seal's enthusiasm.

Seal scoffed. "Bull fucking shit you are."

Sever blinked. "Excuse me?"

"I said bull fucking shit on a rat's hot cock you're having fun. You think I don't know angst brooding when I see it?" Seal gestured out over the waters. "Dude, I brood here all the time. It's, like, my number three spot in the castle. Stare at the fucking ocean and think about death or whatever. Right?" he demanded.

Sever blinked again, more slowly. ".... something like that," he admitted after a long pause.

"Something fucking like that," Seal agreed. "Well, bullshit to fucking that. I'm not allowed to brood tonight, and neither are fucking you. No more cleaning either. Des can summon some ghosts in the morning."

"But I'm perfectly capable of --"

"-- of sitting your ass down and acting like a human being, you jackass!" Seal was surprised by the force of his own words. "Sol Invictus, it fucking wigs me out sometimes, you know that?" A mixture of emotions crossed beneath the surface of Sever's face. "I know you are, even if you fucking don't. Yeah, you don't know who you fucking are, your soul was eaten or what the fuck ever, big fucking deal. None of us knows a goddamn fucking thing about ourselves, and do you think it's ever stopped me? Come on," he demanded, suddenly rising to his feet and striding down the hall, Sever still in tow.

"Where are we -- I really must protest --"

Seal dragged Sever all the way to the treasury, scooped a shelf-ful of glass figurines into Sever's protesting arms, and then back into the chapel. "Right," he said, taking the figurines from Sever and setting them on the floor in front of him. "Got your sword with you?"

"Unfortunately," Sever said, "I was not allowed to bring Atrumarkinos on this expedition."

Seal rolled his eyes. "Good," he said. "You'd be too good with it anyways. Here," and in a single motion he summoned Glorious First Light and brought it crashing down on the back of the pew.

Sever flinched so hard Seal thought he might actually leave his body. "What are you doing?" he asked, so pointedly that Seal could almost consider it a shout.

"Improvising," Seal answered, pulling at a bar of wood off the back of the pew. He had to stand on it with one foot and wrench it off with both hands, and only Essence saved him from a fistful of splinters, but in the end he was left with a plank about half as tall as Sever was. He handed it to the bemused Day Caste, returned to his spot, and held up a figurine. "Right. What can you tell me about these?"

Sever peered at it from across the room. "First Age artifice is not my forte, but I believe they are similar to a lesser form of yasal crystal. Each imprisons a minor spirit, hardly greater than the god of a grain of rice. I cannot say what purpose such a least spirit could serve. Perhaps simply to retain a memory, and recount it when charged?"

Seal squinted down at the figurine in his hand, a little statuette of Brightest Morning Star with spear overhead. "Really? Huh." Now that Sever mentioned it, there did appear to be a little light flickering in the middle of it. Seal looked back up, tossing it in his hand to gauge its weight. "Well, I guess you're not wrong. But you're also totally wrong. The only fucking thing these things are good for," he said, winding up, “is for smashing.”

Sever flinched a good ten seconds before the figurine smashed against the wall behind him. A wisp of glowing smoke rose up and whispered in a tinny voice before dissipating. "Come on!" Seal shouted. "I know you have Melee, hit it with your fucking thing!"

"I do not believe this is safe, Seal," Sever called with rising urgency as he ducked another figurine.

"Safety is for fucking cowards!" Seal bellowed as he began to throw them with increasing speed. "Stop dodging and break some shit like a man!"

He had to admit, though, that Sever's evasive skills were impressive. Seal was putting some Essence into his throws now, trying to peg Sever in the arm or leg, and normally would have guessed there was no power that could stop him -- but whatever was driving Sever, fear or common sense, animated him like a madman and kept him just slightly faster than Seal's projectiles. A luminescent haze rose from the floor at Sever's feet, miniature gods dissipating into the ether. And then Seal saw the change come over him. To his adrenaline-charged senses, it seemed to happen in slow motion: Sever' feet squared against the stone, back foot braced and front foot pointed. His spine, usually painfully upright, bent like a coiled snake; purpose set his shoulders and tensed his arms. The crack of glass against the wood echoed throughout the chapel, and Seal could have sworn it was the most beautiful sound in the world, just before the spray of glass ricocheted back and stabbed him in the face.

Sever dropped the plank like it was red-hot and hurried over to where Seal was rolling on the floor, hands clutched to his face, making a sound like a dying elephant. "Are you alright?" he asked frantically, trying to hold Seal still long enough to assess the damage. "I'll get Des, maybe she can moliate something --"

Seal grabbed at Sever's shoulders. "That -- was -- fucking -- brilliant!" he shouted, and confusion replaced fear as Sever realized Seal was laughing. Blood dripped down his face, from cuts of glass and from his caste mark. "Yes! That's what I'm fucking talking about! You're a fucking natural!" Seal laughed, pumping a fist in the air with elation. 

+++

Des and Star found them another half hour later, the crystal-saga having ended on a cliffhanger. It was the sound that drew them to the chapel: sounds of shattering glass, splintering wood, and laughter -- a laugh they had never heard before. Des rounded the corner first, then threw out an arm to stop Star and backpedaled hurriedly. "Look," she whispered, so Star stuck his head around the corner to look, and what he saw made his jaw drop.

Seal was standing at the far end of the chapel, piles of glass figurines around him. He was hurling the shards overhand at Sever, who was standing with his back to the chapel's entrance, holding.... a broken-off piece of wood? And was, unerringly, smashing every figurine as it sailed towards him, even when he had to jump to catch it or dive before it hit the floor. Unerringly, the spray of glass flew back towards Seal, who appeared to be playing a game of how long he could wait before hiding behind the pulpit. Blood speckled the wall of crystal behind him, though only Star's Essence-enhanced senses could pick that up. But he didn't need Essence to identify the unidentifiable noise.

Both Sever and Seal were laughing.

[fantasyizlife]

My Savagez Part 4

My Savagez Part 4

Paring: Tom Holland and Harrison Osterfield x reader (AU)

Summary: Tom, Haz and Y/N are in a loveship built so uniquely by your own three beating hearts no one could break it apart. But what happens when buried past don't stay buried? Will your love survive? Will you survive? How much of their past is going to test and take from each of you? Only time and endurance will tell.

Side note: Loosely based off of the movie Savages

Word count: My first 5K plus!!!

Warnings: angst and smut..pretty much all of part 4. 18 and older type of vibe

The restaurant was beyond exotic. Of course they reserved the only private room at triple the cost to bump the already held table. My eyes were wide as we were led down a tunnel underneath the ocean. All around us swam colorful tropical fish and we were bathed in blue light that danced across every surface. I paused taking the natural beauty. I touched the glass and the fish seemed as they wanted me to pet them. I felt a tug on my dress as Haz nodded for me to keep walking. I peeked up at him trying to hide my questioning eyes, we really didn't speak after I made the joke that he had a tiny penis. I mean he had to know it was a joke, right? He's definitely not lacking in that department. But I figured if he was fine with it he would have joked back by now. He picked me up midwalk and spun me around until I begged him to stop.

“You stop it y/n" he said setting me back down on wobbly legs. He held me still in his arms as the waiter and Tom kept walking. “Your taking so much in and analyzing it to death, tell I'm wrong" he smirked. I let out a breath in omittance of defeat as his sky blue eyes sparkled.  

“I told you, Tom respects honesty. I knew he wouldn't be upset, at least with you.” he said raising his eyebrows at me. He lifted my chin to meet his eyes only brightened by our surroundings. “He wasn't thrilled that we connected the way we did in the heat of the moment but he understood, hell he might have taken that risk with you himself...except well, Tom is more clear headed about matters like that. He's never impulsive. Well, until you came along anyways" he smiled wrinkling his nose. “He’s smitten with you, same as I.” he said so sweet.

“I'm more afraid that I offended you Harrison, my tiny comment was meant as a joke because I was pissed that you kept laughing at it all and Tom was looking panicked” I said feeling stupid

“Angel in order to be offended I would have to be insecure of my dicks size" he said pressing his hands against the glass on both sides of my face, trapping me in his Haziness. “We both know my dick size is anything but tiny, right love?” he whispered rubbing his cool nose over my right cheekbone. “Yes Harrison, your right” I swallowed hard as Tom cleared his throat breaking me from Hazs spell. I laughed as he turned me towards Tom and smacked my ass hard earning him a yelp.

“There, I accept your apology” he laughed back. “Tom has a punishment as well, don't ya mate?” he said as they squished me in between them even though the rounded booth could fit 12 people easily. The waitress approached and took our drink orders as she ogled both Tom and Haz. I didn't mind, they were both beautiful sights to behold. I watched the fish swimming freely about trying to calm my nerves as they disagreed on what bottle of what to buy, they decided on a few. I laughed to myself wondering if that is how I would have been when it came time to pick Tom or Haz. I would have never been able to make that choice. And thanks to my savagez both picking me, I'd never have to.

“What's funny” Tom said running his fingers over my bare left knee. I shook my head but he wasn't having it. “Tell me or I'll punish you right here on this table, I promise on that princess” his wicked smile made my mouth drop open in protest. He wasn’t kidding.

“Tom its it's not fair I get punished for all that between me and Haz, I didn't know you had a deal!” I said innocently and truthfully. He raised his unruly left eye brow and licked his lips looking at Haz. He gave me a big smile.“I'm not punishing you sweetheart, it's Haz who's going to be punished, you've done nothing wrong y/n" Tom said in a seductive tone as he pushed my hair away from my face and brushed his thumb over my lip. “I can't wait to taste these lips baby”

“Then why wait Tommy” I breathed out melting into him.

The waitress came setting our bottles of Dom Perignon and Armand De Brignac in buckets of ice. She stood there watching our exchange waiting for our order “Because once I start, I won't fucking stop until this whole island knows the way my name sounds from your voice and that you are mine" he said kissing the left side of my neck. My face was flush and I  whimpered at the loss of contact as did our beautiful waitress. Her and I made eye contact and we girls laughed together as we both felt embarrassed. She looked to Haz and asked if he wanted to sample anything on or off the menu winking at him. I had to hand it to her, she had huge lady sized coconut balls for that!

“Can you fill our glasses love?” Haz asked keeping his eyes on the menu as all three of us stared at him. She stood tall and confident as he licked his lips and rolled his fingertips in circles over his now full flute. She knew he was worth the wait and didn't falter as he looked her up and down. He leaned towards her asking sexy “Can I really have anything in this room I want?” She nodded yes leaning towards him, making sure she gave him plenty of her breast to look at. “Humm, and could I have it right here on this table?” Haz asked in a deep dark tone. The beautiful waitress let out a confident and excited yes! Haz gave her his million dollar smile and pulled me into his body. “Her, I want Y/N, right here on this table. Can I have that" he smirked at her open mouth. Tom slid his hand higher underneath my short cocktail dress and rubbed his rough fingers in thoughtful circles. “Same for me, brilliant ideal Haz!” Tom said shooting her a look that said fuck off and she stomped away calling them assholes. I sat there wide eyed, stunned at what just happened.

They were still laughing it off when the head of the kitchen came over apologizing about her behavior and took our orders. I was refilling my third glass when Tom stopped me. “You have to sip this slower sweetheart, you’ll see soon enough, trust me” I pouted as our meal started to arrive one course at a time. “ You can have all your heart desires soon as dinner is over, I promise” I swallowed my first bite contemplating what he could have meant with those words. They made small talk as we got through dinner. I was lost in Haz and Tom land, watching the fish swim around us wondering what was coming next.  

“What's on your mind angel?" Haz asked as I stared at the ocean that circled us. I was learning fast that I couldn't hide much from these men. So out my thoughts tumbled fast and almost in a fit of giggles! Must be the bubbly combined with nerves.

“Do you guys share women all the time?  If that answer is yes, how many times?”..I trailed off “Should I even ask that? Is it at the same time or do you take turns? Do you watch one another?... That's kinda weird,HOT,but creepy,right? Maybe not, am I naughty for thinking that! I'll have to think more about that... What do you guys expect from me? What do you want from me? Am I supposed to choose one of you and not both? Holy shit, I really didn't think this out did I?” My heart was hammering in my chest. I gulped down my drink and eyed them at my right and left. Their eyes were wide and both were stifling a laugh. “I just said ALL that out loud didn't I?” the heat crept up my face and I wanted to run. I hid my face in my hands. WHY WAS I SO AWKWARD! I knew they wouldn't let me up so I sank lower in my seat and was ready to crawl like hell to get away.

“No you dont” Tom said said grabbing my upper arm. “We can't answer them questions if you run from them y/n and they are perfectly normal to ask" he said sincerely looking into my eyes. His beautiful eyes were the color of whiskey when the sunlight shines through it. He helped me sit up and tilted my face to his. “I'm sorry, I'm just so nervous, this is all so new" I said small wanting to start this all over.

“So are we y/n,it's why well get through it together" Haz said kissing my bare shoulder. He traced my neckline as Tom offered an answer never breaking eye contact.

“No y/n, Haz and I have never shared a woman. In ANY way. We barely have time for anything outside of what we do for a living. Which is why stumbling upon you threw us both off. I won't speak for Haz but I can tell you I felt protective of you the moment I seen how scared you were on that bed after the way we met. I've spent so long hating this world and all the ugly in it I forgot that life is sweet and beautiful, just like you y/n" he held my hand in his lap taking a deep breath. “Do I want to share you?” he exhaled and his lips twitched before he downed his champagne “Fuck no” he said possessively looking at Haz than me “But I know what our jobs require of us and there will be long periods of time when I'm gone and unreachable, so will Haz" I looked at our hands intertwined and he brought my eyes back to his.”There's no one I trust more in this world than him. When I'm gone, he'll be there. When's he's gone. I'll be there. You will always be protected Y/N. We will never leave you alone and we can focus on staying alive knowing your safe and waiting for us at home” he said kissing my forehead. He let my hand go as he refilled both our empty glasses. I brushed his hands needing one more tiny detail.

“What happens during the in between times when were all together, like now?” I smile still thinking of a Tom and Haz sandwich. Tom raised his eyebrows at me “I don't share y/n" he said as if it finalized the deal. I shook my head, not even close to done boss. “I dont cheat Tom, but if I'm equally yours and Harrisons we have to agree to all the terms before we seal this deal, yeah?” I wink at him using his words against him. Haz laughed with me as our final course arrived and it was one giant lava cake for us to share. HOW FITTING. I held out my hands to use this as demonstration. I took his and Harrisons spoon away and held mine up. His eyes grew dark knowing this was a challenge as he smiled. “So here we are, all three of us, one place, all hungry for one thing, yet we only have one spoon to fulfill our need, right?” I took a giant scoop and placed it against my lips. I closed my eyes and moaned at the delicious flavor assaulting my taste buds. As I opened them Haz took a lick of the same bit  I was hovering mid air and let out his own moan. “I know, amazing right?” I asked winking at him. He pulled me towards him and Tom was quick to get control back by grabbing the spoon and growling like a defeated brat “FINE” he put the entire desert in front of him unwilling to share it as he offered his solution yet again “Well work out a schedule, 7 days in a week gives us an even 3 a piece and 1 to ourselves or whatever.” he said so NOT happy. I didn’t dare laugh at how cute he was.

“We don't need a schedule mate, I can honestly say for the first time in our lives your over stressing on this.” he met Tom's gaze and they spoke that quiet exchange that seem to calm him down “Why don't we just go with the flow and trust one other to be respectful and understanding towards each other? It sure beats watching the clock strike midnight on the days she better not be a minute late to my side" he laughed as he tapped his watch looking at me.

“Your such a div" laughed Tom “That makes more sense, but I’m still not sharing this lava cake"

“Thank you Hazzi for making me feel like an adult and not a child in a custody battle" I giggled as Tom's face turned red.

“I can do both darling, say I can't and I'll pull you over my knee right here and now" he cooed in my ear “I promise you'll love my spankings so much that you'll beg for more" He swirled his glass waiting for me to challenge him back. I shook my head no as the waiter approached us offering his services.

“No thank you, we have plenty of surprises waiting for us" Haz said giving the man his full smile. “Can you have some more of these bottles sent back to our place please?” He shook his head and wished us all a pleasant evening. I grabbed the last of the bubbly, drinking as we went.

Tom led the way back through the tunnel and into the growing crowd as I he held my hand tight to his back. Haz had both hands on my hips making it well known who we all were with as we moved through the sea of dancing bodies. We found a open spot at the bar. Tom patted the bar stool and I took that as my command to sit. He and Haz scanned our surroundings more than enough times to keep a queen safe.I looked at them as an outsider like the others did. There were lots of eyes on us, men were caught looking at me and quickly moved on the moment they were caught by one of them. I sipped my fifty thousand dollar bottle of champagne and watched women eye fuck them both. A few were bold enough to call out to them. They stood out even dressed down. Tom had on a fitted black shirt with white buttons and black shorts to match, topped by a sixty thousand dollar piece of wrist art known as the Piaget Altiplano Skeleton watch. Everything stood out on Tom, but his tan skin made this watch shine without a diamond in it. Harrison wore a all black button up shirt but left it open to show his pale blue thin tank top underneath. My eyes lingered on him longer just now noticing he was well put together. Haz liked to be noticed. He had on a long platinum chain with a diamond axe attached to it. My eyes bulged at his Cartier two hundred and forty thousand dollar watch and he gave me his million dollar smile. I leaned over to look at it better and nearly fell off the bar stool. He caught me and rested my back against the edge of the bar as Tom took away my nearly empty bottle with a scowl at just how empty it was. He demanded I have only water to the bartender handing him a nice to tip to ensure he complied. I was too caught up on Haz to argue.

“Like what you see angel” he said loud over the music. I shook my head and grabbed the back of his hair as he bit his lip in reaction. I started to rock my hips to the beat of “Bom bidi bom” by Nick Jonas the music making me want to let loose NOW I started to dance, my body was always led by music, it was in my blood after all.

“Fuck me.. Mate can we just go already?” he pleaded with Tom trying his best to not look at either one of us as I felt his cock start to rise. His long fingers traced my collarbone and down across the swell of my breast that were straining against the fabric of the tight black dress. The dress was a sexy plunging v neck with wide lace fabric that barely covered my breast as my nipples poked through at his touch. I threw my neck back and closed my eyes as he traced the sides of my breast and back up. His hand gripped my neck and the other brought my leg around his hip as he rocked his body to the beat. With my heels on we had perfect alignment for him to slip inside me. He was hard and I was ready. So ready in fact I bet if he grinded any harder into me his shorts would be soaked. I opened my eyes to stare up at Haz trying so hard to keep it together for the second time today. This was the most contact I’ve had, well ever. But I was well aware of the heat coming off of Tom as he watched the small display in front of him. He was unreadable as if he was watching a movie and trying to figure out the ending. He raised his eyes at me when I moved my leg off of Harrison and tried to stand straight. I was drunk off his  Haziness and high off pure bliss, a mixture of endorphins and arousal. I checked again to see if he was pissed or upset, but Tom gripped his hard cock and bit his lip, letting me know he was enjoying this too. I reached for his hand and he led us away from the music and the lights and the heats of the moments.

We walked back silently and peacefully, side by side. My hands held by each beautiful man. My mind was giddy at the thought of who I was going to kiss first, who was I going to feel inside me first. Who would taste me first, who would I swallow first. Too many choices and too little time. I wanted them both at once,together. FUCK IT! I was calling the shots on our first night of forever. They were my savagez after all!

I slipped my hands to my sides and they spun around to look at me. Tom's hooded eyes seemed impatient as he looked at me and watched my eyes bounce back and forth between them both. I stood tall despite the sway in my buzzing body. Tom was already shaking his head no before I spoke, but I pushed back anyways. “Tommy, I need tonight to be about all of us" I shook my head mad at myself, here I was asking, not demanding! I crossed my arms and he cocked his head to the side. “Don't make me carry you y/n” he hissed as Haz started to walk forward. I stood my ground and he accepted my challenge. He scooped me up and threw me over his shoulder exposing my ass to the cool night air. He brought his hand down with a heavy smack and I bit my lip not giving him the satisfaction of my moan. He repeated it once more for good measure before putting me down on the bed. I wasn't giving up just yet. “Tommy...I haven't even been kissed by either one of you. You've both deprived me of even skin contact outside of helping my sunburn”

“Hum hum, and it don't hurt no more does it y/n?” Tom said looking into my eyes as he removed my heels. I shook my head no and he smirked “Then your skin isn't deprived so much is it?” he removed his watch crossing the room to put it away.

I rolled my eyes as Haz ran a frustrated hand through his blonde hair. He turned on my Ipod and thumbed through it, stopping on my playlist Sexy Mood with approving eyes.I knew it by the song “Crazy In Love, 50 shades slow remix" by Beyonce blasted through the thick air. I absorbed the music as Tom walked back over to me holding out two aspirin and a glass of ice water. I kept my eyes on Haz as I did what was being asked of me. “Good girl” Tom said cocky taking my empty glass and setting it down.

“I only did it because it was best for me, don't let it go to your head" I retorted. He laughed out loud and pulled me on my feet turning me towards Harrison.

“You forgot princess, Haz is being punished for his selfishness with you today. He had his hands all over you at the bar, I didn't ask him or you to stop, not even once. We both knew that I was loving the view" he reminded me by pressing his firm cock into my ass. “Tell me why you didn't kiss Haz then? Why did you look to me for approval? Perhaps it's because deep inside you want to feel me the same way you did him? One on one. I'm trying my best here love, don't let it go to your head" he said nibbling my ear.

I stood baffled at the honesty in all he spoke. I closed my eyes wishing I was sober so I could listen to my instincts not my lusting throbbing core. She was a greedy diva! I closed my eyes letting my body get lost as “Not afraid anymore” by Hasley pulsed through the air, fueling my desires, perhaps Tom's mind could change if I stopped trying to challenge him and just walked us into it. He traced kisses down my shoulders as he slowly unzipped my sequined dress. “Should Haz return the favor of touching you since he neglected you earlier Y/N" he asked as my dress pooled at my feet. I swallowed hard and nodded yes in Harrison's direction, meeting his sky blue eyes. Tom knew I was a burning mess but he controlled the flames. He gripped my hips pulling me into him and I bent over slightly so he could have a better view of my ass against his cock. He let out a moan that was higher in pitch as I swayed my hips against his shorts, my panties were wet and warm. I wanted them off. I pushed them down but Tom's fingers on my hips pulled them back up. “Not yet baby, let me do the unwrapping, yeah?" he said so uncontrolled. I rocked my body against his thick cock, seducing him further as the beat of “High” by Wheathan and Dua Lipa set the mood. Tom caressed my hot skin everywhere I wasn't naked yet, he grazed my neck with his teeth and undid my strapless bra one hook at a time. He was losing control. SHIT we all were. He motioned for Haz to join us and my heated body went into overdrive.

My eyes widen as Haz  took one layer off at a time. He walked ever so slowly, inching towards us until he reached me in his white Hollister boxers and his beautiful watch and necklace. He must have known it was somehow a turn on for me. I held onto his strong arms using my body as a tool to bring us together to the beat of the music. He bit his lip hard as Tom released my breast to the air. Haz turned me around to Tom as he pushed his hard on into my ass. I removed Toms shirt in a quick and greedy hunger. He must have sensed it as he held my hands from undoing his black shorts.

“Soon princess, I promise but first Haz to pay his punishment so we can move forward “ his tone was sexy and teasing. “Tommy, it's punishing me at the same time! So.Not.Fair!” I whimpered “I'm sorry love, your so right. Let's let Haz make up for being selfish today" he rested his forehead against mine “Then I'm going to make your body feel like it's always belong to me.” he said with a promising whisper. He gave me a quick kiss on the edge of my mouth and moved behind Haz and me. “I got you (I feel good remix)” by Jessie J kicked on next.

Haz turned me into him and before I had time to react his hot mouth was on mine. His tongue invaded my mouth and assaulted my senses. His lips were soft as he kissed me with an all consuming kiss. I moaned into his mouth as he deepened our kiss with a slow aching need. I felt his hands trace down my sides, Haz now moaning as he brushed against my breast. Tom clearing his throat loudly let him know that was a no no. “Bring y/n here and sit her on your lap" Tom said roughly pulling out a low bench for us. Haz didn't hesitate. He lifted me in his arms not breaking our kiss. I kissed him urgently with a feverish need as Haz lowered my hot wet sex on top of his stiff dick. One slip of my panties and his boxers, I could have Harrison inside me. I pulled his long blonde hair hard as he gripped my ass running his fingers over my soaked panties. I let out a loud moan rubbing against the friction, aching for release. He sat us down carefully and now I was straddling him. I had the upper hand. FINALLY!

Haz looked high off endorphins and lust as I rocked back and forth slowly. He looked at our hips connected and his soaked white boxers that outlined his long hard cock against my heat and then painfully at my breast, biting his lips again. He wanted to kiss my breast so bad. I felt him twitch underneath me as I touched them in slow circles riding him back and forth, rolling my hips side to side in rotation. Haz groaned when I pressed my naked chest to his naked chest and forced him to sit back. He rested his weight on one arm and held my side as I started to rock my hips faster. The only thing stopping us from being one was our thin soaked underwear. I growled almost frustrated at that fact. I picked up the pace and Haz held me tight telling me to slow down. “Easy Angel” he panted “We've got a long way to go" he said kissing me slow. He nipped at my neck and left sloppy wet kisses down my chest, I held tight to his hair pushing past Tom's invisible cut off line. I looked up in search of Tom. I was going to beg at this point. This was driving me insane.

“Turn around love" he said sounding pleased from behind us. Haz helped me to my wobbly legs and kissed between my breast going lower ever so slowly. I looked back to meet Tom's dark chocolate and umber eyes as Haz kissed my belly button. I was going to explode if I didn't get what I needed and soon. “Tommy please" I said my breath ragged and unsure of what I was pleading for. But he knew, Tom just knew. He came over to me and turned me to face him. Harrisons started to plant more wet kisses on the sides my hips and trace a line around the edge of my panties with his tongue,teeth nipping at my ass. The smell of our arousal was in the air. “Kiss me where it hurts" by Rita Ora blasted from the speakers. The song was more than fitting.

Tom pressed his thumb in my mouth and he pinched my nipples just enough to dangle me over the cliff. I instantly grabbed his soft curls and pulled on them as I sucked his thumb. My teeth grazed his skin as he removed it. “Humm,good girl” he praised rubbing his wet thumb over my hard aching nipple. We repeated the process as I begged him for more with my eyes.

“Almost there baby, tell me what you need?" he asked with a sexy smirk. He knew damn well what I needed! I opened my mouth wanting to tell him just that but before I could respond he pulled my panties down in a swift motion and threw them away from us. He kissed my legs at an uncontrolled rhythm. He was hungry for me as he nipped my skin, making me moan and gasp at the pleasant sensation. He hovered at my waist making it clear he was staring at my glistening sex. His strong fingers tapped at my inner thighs silently asking me to open my legs wider. I gripped his hair and did as he asked. He kissed and licked around my bare naked kitty but not directly onto my sex. He kissed and licked upwards and I cried out in agony as he left me dripping and untouched. “Tommy, plea.!” I was cut off as he stood up straight and kissed me forcefully, almost in a claiming dominant way. He kissed me deep and wild. Hungry like his life depended on it. He grabbed me by the throat but didn't choke me. He kissed me so deep I forgot whose air I was breathing. I felt my legs go weak as he torn his lips away from me and sucked my neck hard before he bit down. I gasped at the pain and pleasure, I was sure he was leaving his mark. He pinched one nipple as he took the other into his mouth. I sighed in relief and my breathing picked up. I was going to cum without even being touched! I reached back to steady myself and Haz rested me on his lap. Tom kissed my other nipple and teased me with his circular motions on my inner thigh, so close to where I needed. “Why won't you touch me Tommy" I asked confused and hungry. He eyed me on Harrisons lap and smiled at me so beautifully. “Haz needs to finish his punishment remember love?” he kissed my lips quickly and walked over to the bed.

He sat on the edge watching me as Harrison trailed his soft fingertips down my naked stomach. I struggled with the endorphins rushing in my veins I couldn't keep my eyes on just one place or person so I closed them resting my head on Haz’s shoulder. He turned my face into him and kissed me softly as his long fingers squeezed my breast. He palmed them perfectly using his thumb and finger to pinch them hard then soft. I clenched my legs closed as I felt myself losing control. Haz smiled in our kiss as he moved his long fingers back towards my dripping core.

“Spread your legs love, I want to see you come undone” Tom demanded sexy as Haz inched closer, still kissing me. At this point I was a puppet and they controlled my strings. Haz raised each of my legs, draping them over his. He opened his legs wide as he grinded his cock underneath me. I arched my back trying to feel as much as him as I could. I felt the air hit my exposed sex and I opened my eyes to meet Tom's dark hooded eyes. My eyes were glazed and I nearly lost it when Haz rubbed my clit with the tip of his finger,my throbbing nub was bundled with nerves. “Touch her Harrison, our beautiful y/n isn't going to make it much longer”

“Is that true y/n?” Haz asked as I looked into his sky blues before closing them. Slipping off the edge. “Give me more time angel, please, I haven't tasted you yet and you smell so fucking good" he cooed as I bit my lip trying to hold on. “I cant Harrison, I'm sorry..” I moaned as he pinched my nub hard making my eyes fly open and I clenched my legs closed. “Humm, well make the most of it baby" he said spreading my legs wide again. I focused on my breathing as his fingers traced my folds. He sucked in his breath as he felt just how wet I was. He ran a long finger through my wetness barely touching my walls. I watched in amazement as he licked my juice from his finger and coated his lips. He pulled me into a hot kiss as he plunged his fingers deep inside me. “Wow,Your so fucking tight angel" Haz gasped sounding surprised and amazed. He kept my legs open and my moans escaped into his mouth. He worked his middle finger at a steady pace as he rubbed my sensitive nub, he curved his finger as he worked in his ring finger.”Fuck” Haz and Tom said at the same time as I broke our kiss to let out a sound mixed of pain and ecstasy. I screamed out Harrisons name in pleasure over and over. “Your so fucking beautiful y/n” Haz said as I exploded hard in his hand. He fingered me fast yet gently as I came undone, hearing and feeling my sex flooding out of me. I closed my eyes and let myself ride out my first orgasm, loving Harrisons name on my lips.

I squirmed as my sex grew sensitive. I grabbed Harrisons arm and held it still as my head swirled. As I started to come down Haz kissed my neck soft. My skin was glistening with sweat. My face was flushed and I started to feel shy at how sensitive and wet I was between my legs.

I buried my hot face into Harrisons arm as he brushed my hair off my face. “You okay y/n?” he asked sweet. I shook my head yes keeping my eyes closed. He cuddled my neck tracing my now cold skin up and down giving me goosebumps. “Can I ask you something angel?” he said just above a whisper. I swallowed hard knowing what it was. I nodded yes as I heard Tom stirring and growing restless for my attention. Haz tilted my chin up and I opened my eyes meeting sky blue ones. FUCK ME! WHY NOW! “Are you a virgin sweetheart?” he asked with a smile already knowing the answer. Tom stood and walked towards us as I said ever so quietly “Yes” Haz raised his eyebrows and sighed  kissing my forehead as I played with his necklace as a distraction. “That's okay right?” I asked as I regained feeling in my legs.

“Yes of course it's okay y/n” Harrison said EXACTLY as Tom said “No it’s not okay y/n” I winced at his words as he looked at Haz with an indescribable expression.

Tag Request: @tom-hollands-eyelash :) 

**Seriously not sure if anyone is into this, I have so many plans for this story but idk if it’s a dud or it’s just because I’m one in a million writers out there. Let me know with a like and repost PLEASE :) I’m open to questions, please boost my ego, I’m insecure with this one. Hugz for now!!**

[ohkimani]

(ignore)

i try to be a good friend. i really do. im always running around all over the place for everyone doing what i can to make sure all of my friends are just fine but sometimes, like tonight at jessie’s birthday dinner, i was just so annoyed with......,,,,,myself. like it just seemed like i couldnt control myself for like two seconds. i was constantly talking and being flamboyant and just so out there and fucking obnoxious. i dont want to be that friend that’s making the most noise at the table anymore. i hate being the one who cracks a dark joke out of nowhere and everyone just gets super quiet and uncomfortable. i just wish i wasnt so.......,..much(??) i hate it. then why im not my loud obnoxious piece of shit self, everyone is like “what’s wrong why are you being such a bitch blah blah blah” and im like “okay yall literally give me side eyes or dont know how to react to my outlandish statements like all the time what’s wrong now that im not being ugly” you know? i just dont know who to be anymore and i dont know if it’s because i was around so many people i know again or if it’s because i really dont have any self control. i know i talk loud (when im not mumbling) because i have terrible hearing and cant really tell how loud im talking but i dont know if anyone else knows that or cares but either way that’s my fault. there were only 12 of us but now i see my social setting maximum capacity is probably like 7-8 people including myself. i just start trying too hard because im so overstimulated and excited about being around people i know. idk. it didnt make it any better that i thought i looked cute and then when jessie and i walked in, everyone talked about how much skinnier i looked but it’s jessie’s birthday you know? she spent hours going back and forth between her mirror and my room to pick the perfect outfit. i guess im just tired of being that annoying friend and no one ever tells me when im doing something annoying so im sitting there afraid to say anything because there’s a part of my body that’s like “shut the fuck up theyre tired of hearing about that. they’re tired of hearing from you. you’re tiresome. what the fuck are you even doing here.” maybe im falling back into that hole that i was in before but this always seems to follow some big gathering. i just get completely absorbed in all of the wrong i did that previous night and i isolate. like literally right now i dont think i want to go to class this week just because i dont want to see anyone and lose control over myself again because im literally like a fucking dog that sees you and ends up clawing your legs when they try to hop on you. i wish i just...had some sort of filter. like a friend of mine was passing around pictures of a transgender girl at our school and making everyone look at it and pick her apart. the one point in the night when i was serious was right then because that was fucking disgusting. so i told her how i thought what she was doing was wrong and that her gender or transition is no one’s business but her own. but she was just trying to justify herself by saying she has never been exposed to different types of people so she doesnt know how to handle it and what not but i just.....i couldnt deal with it,. then i could tell everyone else at the table felt awkward because i had said something but i was just as mad at them because they were the ones taking the phone from her to look at the pictures instead of refusing or knowing that what they were doing was wrong. so instead i look like the obnoxious SJW friend who always has to ruin everyone’s fun. that was exhausting and at that point i just proceeded to throw the rest of the night away. so i gulped down three more glasses of champagne and let myself go.....as usual. ive noticed myself depending on alcohol a lot more lately. not A LOT more but more than usual. i think it’s because ive found my taste in alcoholic beverages so i just continue to hunt after them like rosé and pink moscato and champagne. greta was talking about how i always drink her entire bottle by myself and as she was saying that, i was pouring myself more champagne. the thing is, im not even sure what im repressing so much now that i have to be some type of intoxicated every single night. it’s been at least 8 or 9 nights and i still havent passed on a drop of alcohol at least before bed. i mean when im with him, i just feel so outside of this world. like when we’re in my room and just being playful and he’s just being himself because im being myself, i dont feel all of the self-conscious and self aware things that go through my head like usual. of course i havent given him all of myself completely but i dont think i have to. i think we both have this unspoken understanding about our minds and emotions. we’re on the same level but he’s much better about smiling at everything meanwhile i contemplate the pleasure of death at least once a day.like fuck, i was sunbathing today and while greta was talking i was literally thinking about how i could kill myself without anyone finding me because im a little more than sure it woudlnt change anything. and i know everyone who says that just seems like theyre looking for attention and validation but it’s just like when mia asked me if there was anything stopping me from going through with it and i said ‘no’ then she asked if i cared about how my loved ones would feel and i finally looked up and made eye contact with her. i could tell she was already worried but when i said ‘why would i care if they cared if im already dead. i wont be able to feel or know anything.’ im still not sure what the point of this all is, honestly. i just tend to rant for hours now because i have no idea who would even care to hear me anymore besides medical professionals who are paid to listen to me. i dont want to be annoying. i just want to close off into a corner and never come out. i know i have to go to class tomorrow but i just already dont feel the strength in my soul to so much as look at another human being. it would be great to just not be seen for a few days honestly. of course i probably wouldnt be able to get away with that considering ‘tall and awkward’ has me on high alert and is down for what ever at any second. i wouldnt feel right just going missing like i usually do because now we have more of a connection than before. it’s also scaring me a lot now too because even as im laying here in bed, i can still smell him on my pillows. i tried to go back to sleep after he left today but i couldnt without his arm around me. that’s what scares me. depending on someone else for some sort of comfort or retreat. what happens when they leave? everyone leaves. i just know something is going to happen with him AGAIN that’s going to make me want to fling myself out of a window or something. then again, as they say, ‘third time’s the charm’. maybe time 3 around will be much better because it already feels better. my problem is feeling like im no longer allowed to say anything more than ‘hi” “bye” “oh really” im sorry” to people i see now simply because i dont want to inconvenience them and force them to be an open ear for me. he;s just too good to be true and losing someone like him at this point for me could be so fucking devastating. and i just mean if we ever ended up have to go back to square one as barely friends. i dont know if i could take that. i havent seen this boy since 10 AM and i feel like there is air blowing through my chest, you know? he’s just become such a great friend first and i know he feels it too. anyway time for me to stop being an annoying little fucking bitch cunt at this point im so tirred. dont read this.