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[ananke-xiii]

I started writing about resurrection because, to me, the “Mary Winchester is complete” excuse in S14 is bullshit and the same goes for Billie and her “life’s unfair but what can you do?” speech to Rowena in S13. I’ve talked a little bit about Rowena and soonish I’ll post something about Mary because “About Mary, never enough”. But, before that, I need to say something about Chuck and Amara… and Oskar.

Mary’s death is, of course, once again a catalyst for plot advancement but, in this reading of mine about resurrection, it’s also the straw that breaks the camel’s back for Chuck. Because, after all, souls are “complicated even for him” but, more importantly: “even if I could, would you really want -- I mean, after what he did?”. It’s the switch between the “I could”, the “would you want it?” and the final “what he did” that signals the lie for me. In other words, Chuck just doesn’t want Mary back. So, of course, I must ask: why? Before answering, one little thing must be taken into account.

Now that the show’s over we know that Chuck is a hands-off God only when it comes to humanity minus Sam and Dean. After all, their story is the show’s story so this totally makes sense within this framework. But if I follow this line of reasoning, I find two very specific plot-points that wouldn’t really make sense for S14-S15-Chuck… or would they? I’m talking about Amara and Jack, perhaps the only two entities that have the possibility to end his own personal story. To me, the things are two: either Chuck willed their appearance in the story or they were collateral damage that he thought he could handle (and, in part, he wasn’t 100% wrong).

The first scenario fits my interpretation of Chuck as a gambling addict who has very, very deep and dark desires of complete annihilation. It’s a take that renders Chuck a more interesting character but it diminishes other characters’ relevance in the story. But it’s still possible and one day I’ll perhaps write about this in more details.

If Amara and Chuck are collateral damage, however, it means that it’s not just Sam, Dean and Cas who defy predestination but also… Rowena and Lucifer. Their actions (the destruction/creation of a “child”)(I know neither Oskar nor Jack really are “children” but I’m speaking more in archetypical terms rather than actual, factual ones, perhaps “Son” is a more appropriate word) aren’t God’s will, therefore they have de facto a very prominent role in Chuck’s narrative.

I’ll be honest with you, I have something written about Lucifer, Kelly and Jack that I don’t know if I’ll ever post because it’s a bit intense and I hate everything that Buckleming, or whatever they’re called, have done with that particular storyline. It’s both very uncomfortable and comical which makes things even worse. Also, I’ve been meaning to write about Oskar and Rowena for a while now so I think it’s fair to focus on them.

I’ve said that I’d have preferred if it were “Death’s death” that opened Amara’s cage and not the spell from the Book of the Damned but that’s just wishful thinking. The reality is that the cage was opened because Rowena finished the spell for the “cure” of the Mark of Cain, i.e. she metaphorically killed/sacrificed her soul in exchange for her freedom (oh, Rowena! The fact that something very different, yet very similar will happen again in S15 will forever sadden me). The last ingredient of the spell recites as follows: The caster's heart: The life of the thing the spell caster loves most. “Life” here means “blood” while the “caster’s heart” is, symbolically, Rowena’s soul because she basically must kill her “heart” for the spell to work. Which means that, without her heart, she’ll be “lifeless”, "soulless". It's "an eye for an eye" type of "exchange" (hello Equalizer/Hammurabi). It’s a really, really high price to pay for her physical freedom and for her metaphorical and unaware, brief freedom from Chuck’s narrative.

Who’s Oskar? He’s the child of the Polish family that gave shelter to Rowena, possibly the only people in her whole, sad story that ever showed true compassion for her. Oskar was sick at the time so Rowena cured him thanks to a spell (remind you of something?) and also gave him immortality (this is a bit weak and it’s clearly there because Rowena is 300 years old or something so they had to justify Oskar’s existence in the world, lol, me not like)(Wishful thinking, again: Oskar’s story could’ve been so much more interesting if he had, I don’t know, more than two scenes in the whole season).

My friend Wikipedia tells me that “Oscar” means “deer-loving one” or “friend of deer” and it’s the name of a character in Irish mythology of which, I’m afraid, I’m very ignorant so I cannot tell you much (here the Wikipedia page if you care). What’s more, it’s also the name of the dead son in “The Poems of Ossian” by Scottish poet James Macpherson. I only remember vaguely from my high school years that the Ossian cycle was much discussed because many believed it was a hoax? I don’t really remember much but it’s “nice” to notice that the writers took the trouble to associate Rowena, who’s Scottish, with a Scottish poem. Not that we needed it but it’s a huge foreshadowing because Oscar is, in the poem, a “dead son”, but it also shows that they at least put some care when they were crafting her story and this consoles me a little bit.

But Oskar decides to re-name himself as Seth and this is another huge red flag because Seth is Adam and Eve’s third son after Cain and Abel. The fact that Oskar/Dead Son/Seth/Third Brother is sacrificed by Rowena basically means that Sam/Abel won’t be killed by Dean/Cain (in case we needed further proof but okay, I like it). He is, from a narrative function pov, S10’s very own Adam Milligan, Macleod edition.

Oskar's life and Rowena’s soul are sacrificed because they are the price to pay to remove the Mark on Dean’s forearm. But since the Mark is not passed down to anybody, the cage is opened and Amara is “born” into the world as a… baby. A baby who eats souls to grow up. She’s a soul eater. Unlike Chuck and his lies, souls are not that complicated for Amara. By the end of S11 and after having consumed a good number of human souls, Amara gifts Dean with Mary. She resurrects Mary as a gift. Body and soul, the full package. Which is interesting because Billie clearly says from the beginning of S11 that, from now on, what's dead stays dead. Cough, cough, cough. So someone is not following the rules and this time it's not Sam, Dean, Cas nor even Chuck but it's Amara.

So Amara’s relationship with souls is quite… uncomplicated? She needs them, she gets them. She thinks Dean needs his mother, she gives her to him. Although I find it very telling that Amara is depicted solely as an agent of destruction while it’s her “missing” half, Chuck, her brother, who’s got the task of creation. She can, however, re-create her brother’s creation. I have to highlight this because in S11 another notable cage gets opened and Lucifer also runs free in the world. Again. By S12 he’ll also share his father’s fantasy of solely male creation ( while Kelly is unfortunately characterized from day 1 as the real, ultimate, disposable vessel).

I think Rowena and Lucifer managed to escape Chuck’s controlling narrative simply because… Chuck didn’t pay any attention to them. Didn’t care about them. Sam understands that Chuck is a huge scam, a hoax if you will, and he calls him “stupid and crazy”. Chuck's not interested in Sam's story and that'll cost him a bullet in the shoulder. His obsession with the “Dean kills Sam” plot totally distracted him from the underlying, compelling story linking Rowena, Oskar, Amara, Lucifer, Sam, Mary, Kelly and Jack. Which is the story of the expendables, the "sacrifices", the vessels, the enslaved and the caged. Chuck's narrative focuses, on the other hand, on the ones who, supposedly, should perpetrate violence.

Which is a bit of a pity because, the other side of it, it's the story of the birth and rebirth of the Rejected "Evil" which, in a wonderful paradox, is also the story of the Soul. It's not a morally flat story, mind you, because the Soul is definitely not the Good That Wins, she's starving, constantly mistreated, abused and nevertheless always there, the Real Immortal, peeking out, terrific and absolute, enraged, bruised, aching, demanding to be listened. It’s really, really too bad that the Soul won’t make it by the end of the show. Because, we’re told, She’s complete. I say bullshit.

[senblades]

It's me, or the world

[all-too-unwell-13]

awkward confession time lmao

so even though i've read atyd 3 times, i've never actually read past chapter 170 purely because i didn't want to read james and lily's deaths (& ofc the others-)

anyway, i read the last 18 chapters today

AND THE ENDING.

it was devastating in, like, a good way??? kinda???

idk i'm still in shock help

[mysimsyuri]

FINALLY got to watch the musical episode !! im now more in love with my partners than i was before . you will always be famous to me jamaican inspector man o7

[love-overdrive]

Continuing off that ridiculous post I made about stands being in love with their user's s/o's stands, I bring you another cruddy addition to Heaven's Door and Dancing Queen's shenanigans using that one Sheen audio I saw on the reels.

Not pictured: Rohan contemplating if he should smash his face against a shelf to forget this ever happened

[haze-of-hyperfixations]

take care bee, i hope things calm down for you a bit soon ❤️

you're very kind and wonderful, thank you <3

i got this ask last week and it really helped me settle my emotions while i focused on the stuff i had to do, i've been keeping it in my inbox until i got the chance to answer it.

but yeah, i was having a bit of a time of it, and getting this ask actually made my day so much better. and things have calmed down a little bit now. :)

thanks mari <3

[aromanticasterisms]

my god i am ADORING the fontaine world quests so much they are so good

[acaciapines]

Sometimes I am just Looking At Things. Anyway pls tell us abt the alternate history of the Boiling Isles :)

......okay so it turns out that like all of the fun stuff is a huge massive spoiler so i cant actually say like. anything. this is devastating.

so instead you get what is the funniest thing in the world to me but is also 100% not explored at all in the fic itself so i dont think it counts as a spoiler:

when luz-mari travels back in time in elsewhere and elsewhen, and runs into philip/belos. due to the fake story they tell him about their past and their ability with glyphs. philip is 100% convinced that luz is the child caleb had with a witch <3

he doesnt realize this was a lie until he meets luz in the present of the show fgkdkjgdf. and even then hes like. hm. hmmmmmmm.

[pyjamacryptid]

BBC Sherlock

oh anon I am so sorry to disappoint: I have unfortunately seen this show

HOWEVER. I haven’t seen season 4. Or the — was there a special? idk. idc.

So Sherlock’s plane does a u-turn with cartoon skid affects and lands back on the tarmac - since he’s been called to deal with moriarty stuff again or something??? And he and John have a very awkward oh hey haha funny seeing you again wow it’s been so long yeah like 2 minutes. Let’s Forget That Weirdly Emotional Goodbye. There is now a baby and Mary is now….. gone? So now john’s a single dad but not really because Sherlock is becoming dad number 2 which is very inconvenient when you want to avoid feelings and have a mad genius wanting to be the joker to your Batman. Well, well, well, look who it is— John’s stuck in a well. But it’s ok because Sherlock used his mind palace to include the well and construct a mind ladder to retrieve him, and Moriarty is now either dead or locked away and John and Sherlock can go back to bantering over crime scenes while raising the baby together but they don’t kiss. Or something.

[uglyseasonmp3]

nothing quite like getting high and putting on a dress after a long day of being misgendered

[filthyjanuary]

re: last reblog im actually crying a lil i had to go see if wayback machine had anything and like real ones remember

not the MJ breaking news hello??? these usernames too they're all so nostalgic to me

and of course i had to dig around to see if i could find one of my own posts to see how cringe my siggie was and well

truly the best days and the worst days and the most cringe days (honorific)

[ananke-xiii]

Missing Mothers and Missed Opportunities

Or: There can be three, four fathers in this show but there can only be one mother (and she doesn’t even want to be there, lol)!

One way that I like to see the first episodes of s13 is focusing on missed opportunities. Sam’s mind is in the past, he is very much ruminating about his missed opportunity with his mother while Dean’s mind is in the future as he is trying to deal with the fact that Cas is dead (although, to be honest, I think Cas’s death is a catalyst for Dean's much deeper issues related to his identity. As I’ve already said, in s12 Dean was in the process of understanding who he was regardless of his relationships and while he had some sort of reconciliation with Mary, he didn’t have any with Cas).

It’s no wonder, then, that Sam thinks that Cas and Mary might still be alive while Dean doesn’t. In Supernatural the past can come back and if it’s come back once why can’t it come back again? Past is hope. The future, however, is always “doom and gloom” in this series, it’s apocalypses, it’s “it ends bad, it ends bloody”, it is, in other words, super pessimistic. And “The Future” is impersonated in Jack and in the visions of the future he transmitted to Castiel which Dean blames for his death.

Sam is smart but it doesn’t take a genius to understand that if Jack has opened the rift once he might be able to open it again. Therefore, Sam sees in Jack an opportunity: if Jack can control and manage his powers he might open the rift again and Sam could get his mother back. What’s more, he also starts to see (what he thinks he’s) himself in Jack.

Dean: I told him the truth. See, you think you can use this freak but I know how this ends and it ends bad. Sam: I didn’t. Dean: What? Sam: I didn’t ‘end bad’. When I was the freak, when I was drinking demon blood. Dean: Come on man, that’s totally different. Sam: Was it? Because you could’ve put a bullet in me. Dad told you to put a bullet in me, but you didn’t! You saved me! So help me save him! Dean: You deserved to be saved, he doesn’t! Sam: Yes he does, Dean, of course he does!

The “What?” shows how the two are talking about completely different things. Maybe it was the word “freak” that triggered Sam, however I tend to agree with Dean here: Sam and Jack are not “totally different” but they are different. What I disagree with is when Dean says that Jack doesn’t deserve to be saved (Dean, Dean, Dean… you, just like everybody else, don’t need to “de-serve” anything. I swear to God the day we realize what the words we use actually mean maybe the world will really start changing). Because the thing is that Jack doesn’t need to be saved. He’s not a human who drank demon blood for what he thought was “the greater good” but turned out to be the beginning of his end. He was not part of a gigantic, messy, blatant scam involving Heaven and Hell. Jack’s partially the result of both Lucifer’s delusions of grandeur regarding Creation and Kelly’s conservative and dreamy desire to have a baby with the President of the USA (he was never gonna put any ring on it, girl and you knew it. Btw, Kelly is the baby-trapper in this story and no one else, I won’t change my mind ever), but he is nevertheless one of the most powerful beings in all existence. I honestly think that the only character who has ever understood Jack was Donatello.

Donatello: Oh. Speaking not as a prophet but as a scientist, I don’t think teaching him is in the cards. It’s like asking a lion not to be a lion. Sam: But this is not a lion! This is a human! Donatello: With a strong dose of God juice.

It’s not a strong dose of demon blood, Sam. It’s God juice, okay? LOL. Anyway, Donatello is super on point here: Jack is human and not-human. He’s a living aporia, the character where all the false dichotomies of the series show their fallacies. He’s “both… and” incarnated. He’s born and he’s already in his 20s. He’s a child and he’s a not-child. He has an age and he’s without age. Nobody will ever come close to understanding him if they cling close to a “black or white, good or evil” mentality. And this is why the show totally failed (for me) in s14 and how Sam is also failing here because he projects his own (respectable and very real) Lucifer-related issues with evilness onto Jack. Jack is beyond “good and evil” because he’s both human and angel, he embodies two different moralities and also transcends both of them because he’s neither only human nor only angel. To sum up, I don’t think that Supernatural, with its structure and its specific morality, could have handled a character like Jack. And this is why the show has to de-power him, de-soul him, make him die and resurrect etc.

Back to Sam and his failings. He projects his own stuff onto Jack, he wants to use him as a “can-opener”, he thinks Jack can be saved from “evil” because he can teach him. My question is: how much can Sam be negatively judged for these actions? My answer is: not so much.

As far as projections go, this is what he’s been doing from S1. Per SPN structure, both Sam and Dean have been projecting and identifying their issues onto the monsters of the weeks for 15 seasons. Jack is just the “Monster of the Season”. Projection and identification, identification and projection… I mean, this is what the show is about. If all of sudden Sam had woken up and miraculously solved all his identity-related issues the show would have been over.

As far as the utilitarian aspect goes, Sam has actually made some progress here. He “only” surveils Jack via cameras and tries to convince him to do some stupid exercises with a pencil. Previously on Supernatural Sam had literally enslaved, chained and imprisoned the people/creatures he wanted to use. These kids, they grow up so fast :”).

As far as the “do no evil” teaching goes, now here’s what’s really interesting to me.

The episode is “The Rising Son” and Sam’s passionate plea for Jack’s goodness via his teachings is paralleled to Asmodeus’s attempt at locating Jack in order to find him and harness his “timeless knowledge and unschooled power”. Asmodeus acts like Lucifer acted with Sam in S11 in that he pushes Jack to open up the earth “for God” (“I speak the words of God”, “God has a message for you”, “Do it for God” etc). Since Lucifer’s not here, though, Asmodeus wants to “[have]him (Jack) found and trained to rule. With me as his humble advisor, of course”. Of course we know he will fail because he himself says that he had tried to train the Shedim in the past and utterly failed.

ASMODEUS: I know the perils of Lucifer’s disappointment. DREXEL: He—he did that? ASMODEUS: Long ago. Eager to please, I freed the shedim. DREXEL: You… Oh, I’ve heard stories about— ASMODEUS: Oh, I’m sure you have. Hell’s most savage. Things so dark, and base, God himself would not allow them into the light. But I, in my pride, believed that I could train them. Use them. But Lucifer feared them, as well he should, so he forbade it, locked them up again.

This, of course, means that Sam will fail to train Jack/the Shedim too.

The parallel between Asmodeus and Sam must be explored because the show seems to pass it as an Evil (Asmodeus) vs Good (Sam) training but it’s not as simple as that. There’s even a scene where Asmodeus-as-Donatello talks about Jack with Sam and he seems to agree with Sam’s theory that Jack can be molded. While Sam thinks so because “Kelly was a good person”, Asmodeus-as-Donatello is obviously more interested in his evil father’s lineage.

While it’s true that both of them don’t even consider to give Jack a choice, to ask him questions and to try to understand him, they’re not exactly wrong when they agree that Jack’s powers do need some training, regardless of why they’re interested in his powers, Jack doesn’t have a grip on how his powers work. The show insistence on “good vs evil", however, completely ignores the very valid point where Jack’s powers are simply neither good or evil per se but they are “only” a(nother) force to be reckoned with.

This “good vs evil” thing obscures something very important and I think a distinction must be made here about what "training" really means in this context: Sam wants Jack to learn to master his powers, so that he (Jack) can be in control of them; on the other hand, Asmodeus wants to exploit Jack because of his powers, he wants to be the one who’s in control of them.

Both Sam and Asmodeus have an agenda, clearly, they’re also two characters very much interested in power. But when Asmodeus says that he wants to train Jack what he really has in mind is to groom him. Asmodeus’ techniques are very similar to Crowley’s with baby Amara and Demon Dean (I know Dean was not a child but he was one metaphorically because Crowley calls himself “Father” and “daddy” while he calls Dean “a rather scrumptious altar boy”. Ugh). These are predators’ techniques: their intent is to create intimacy with a person (for instance, Asmodeus takes on Donatello’s resemblance to lure Jack and take him to the Hell’s Gate), usually a child, to make them do what they want and abuse their victims, victims who usually don’t even realize they’re victims (Jack doesn’t know he’s being manipulated).

This is NOT what Sam means when he says he can teach Jack. Sam’s utilitarian mindset can be reproachable but his intent is not the same as Asmodeus. Sure, it’s still absolutely problematic but, again, his intent is not to open up the earth to release the Shedim and use Jack to rule Hell. He wants to open the rift to the Apocalypse World to find his mother. He is, in other words, being a softer version of John Winchester. In fact, he is replicating John’s methods because this is what he grew up with and this is what he knows. Avenging Mary’s death, finding Mary in the AU… even if the intent might be comprehensible it doesn’t justify both John and Sam’s attitude towards the reaching of their ends. Yet, their ways are still not the same ways of a Crowley or an Asmodeus.

The other thing is that John was Sam’s father. He was father to two human children whom he raised as if their childhood was a huge, endless military training. Training someone, as a concept, is not evil: if you have a skill or a talent or whatever, you need to train and learn and explore your limits. Having someone who believes in you and wants to help you in your training is not evil too: in fact, it might be a very good thing. It’s a problematic thing, however, when your caregiver is more focused on the training than the care. It’s even more problematic if said caregiver is a paranoid who raised his sons as soldiers. But this is still NOT the same thing as demons such as Crowley and Asmodeus do.

The differences in "training" and what Sam fails to understand about what happened with Asmodeus is explained in "Patience":

SAM: Even with Asmodeus, that just happened?

JACK: No, he made me. It was like, like he was in my head.

SAM: Okay um, then uh… Imagine him doing that.

JACK: No!

SAM: No? Why not?

JACK: Because I don’t want to! It’s just… I can’t do this! And you keep staring at me, waiting!

Asmodeus made Jack use his powers, he was in his head. He had also abducted him, manipulated him: he wasn't trying to train him, he was trying to groom him. Of course Jack doesn't want that.

If Sam is replicating his father's teachings we must then ask: who is Jack to Sam in this moment in the narrative? He’s definitely not his son nor his sibling. But he's not someone Sam keeps in locks either. As I’ve said, Sam has never been above imprisoning people in his dungeon to reach his goal, yet he takes another road with Jack, maybe precisely because he’s identifying with him and projecting onto him his own fears and issues with “being evil” and “being a freak”. There is something very similar between the two but what is it? And why is it not expressed? Maybe Sam is not Jack the way he thinks he is but they do share one thing: they have both missed the opportunity to create a bond with their respective mothers.

Sam only really utterly fails Jack when he’s dishonest with him. He eventually understands that and comes clean with him but I think that a lot of the initial issues happened because he was not communicating with Jack at all. And he didn’t even give him a choice. I think that if Sam were honest with Jack and gave him the choice to help him he would have discovered another thing that make them veeeery similar: both of them are okay with twisting human morality and… sort of… manipulate people a little to get what they want. Does this make them evil villains? To me, no. Does this make them human, layered, compelling characters that raise interesting moral questions more than give black and white answers? Totally yes!

Sam and Jack are not “totally different” but they are different. Conversely, they are not “totally similar” but they are similar. The Rescuing of the Mother can happen because The Loss of the Mother is something that Jack can deeply understand and relate to. He doesn’t want to save Mary just to please Sam and Dean. I think it’s deeper than that.

In case it wasn't clear, the conflation of Mary and Kelly is very clear in "The Big Empty":

MIA: You’ve lost someone recently? DEAN: No. JACK: My mother. SAM: Uh, our mother. We’ve having a difficult time.

Mary-as-Missed/Missing-Mother is such a central theme in this season that the Apocalypse World is a literal ramification of the Original World that's solely dependent on Mary Winchester’s choice to not deal with Azazel. John is never brought back and, more importantly, Sam and Dean are never born. This is a world where she’s not the mother. But why is Mary’s choice so vital it can create different timelines?

S12 and S13 implicitly seem to tell that everything that happened was because of Mary’s choice and… it’s, like, not true? Sometimes Sam and Dean are so ultra-focused on “free will” and “making the right choices” that tend to forget the part where both them and their parents were part of a larger scheme that was predicated on people ultimately being herd towards a designed pen. Like, while I think that Dean and Sam having issues with their mother is completely real and plausible, I don’t understand why the narrative re-frames itself in this way… I understand that they were going for a specific retelling of the first seasons but this is not just retelling, this is demolishing the premises of those series. S4-5 were precisely about the mystification and the perils of a glorified, Grand Destiny that in reality was nothing but a Big Scam. It’s not your destiny if your destiny is something that somebody else is telling you about and when this somebody else has a vested interest in you believing that you have that specific destiny. Or if somebody else is removing all of your choices leaving you with close to nothing to choose from.

Apocalypse World is, thus, such an unfair double-edged sword, cause on the one hand, it gives Mary agency but on the other it shows us that both choices resulted in… well, frankly, catastrophes. And I think it’s unfair to throw this huge weight onto her shoulders after they had dug her up from her grave while completely ignoring the whole thing about senior management angels playing puppeteers with the Winchesters.

Kelly-as-Missed/Missing-Mother is the other side of the coin of this little argument of mine because in s13 the writers demonstrated how Kelly must stay dead because one mother is enough and they didn’t know what to make of Kelly since she was not a hunter. She was just, as a character, Jack’s mother. The rift to the Apocalypse World was even possible in the first place because she (more or less, it’s complicated) decided that she would.have.her.baby. But, just like Mary before her resurrection, if his actual mother were back in the game it either meant that Jack was out of the game or that they had to include her in some capacity into the Winchesters dynamics and they didn’t want any of that. Mary’s death meant that Sam and Dean entered the hunters’ life, Kelly’s death assures the same for Jack. Plus, they all have an angel watching over them, isn't it just great? But hey, wait, this is the absent fathers show so we’re gonna give this kid three, four, five fathers!!! (sarcastic). Also, Alive Kelly wouldn’t be the Good, Perfect, Dead Mother that she is to Jack because, well, she would be a Real Character, not a memory on a pen drive and Alive Kelly would be so faaaar from the Good and Perfect Mother. Do we have to try to write another complex mother? One is enough!!! (sarcastic).

In conclusion, in s13 Sam’s (and Jack’s) huge missed opportunity stays… missing. Jack will go to the Apocalypse World and fight the angels with Mary whereas Mary decides to stay there (lol!) to help with the fight. They literally have to find a bus and move all the remaining AU people to the Original World because Mary has decided that she wanted to stay in a world where she didn’t choose John and she didn’t give birth to her sons (me asking Sam who has just died and was resurrected by Lucifer only to find out that his mother didn’t want to be saved: are you REALLY okay? LOL). I’ll stop here cause this is getting way too long but maybe, just maybe, s13 as a whole was a giant missed opportunity.

[crest-of-gautier]

oreo and max :D

[meelusinee]

YOUR SECRET SANTA 𖤐 S.B X READER

in which your sirius’ secret santa for the year (and you also have a hugemungus introvert crush on him)

pairing: sirius black x potter!reader tags: christmas fluff! word count: 3k warnings: just fluff, yet again

author's note: AN UPDATE: I FIXED THE WHOLE COPY ISSUE IM SO SORRY YAWL my tumblr copied it twice and really weirdly for some reason??? anyways, i have very quickly learned that sirius’ energy is very hard to capture at 3-5am in the morning after studying for psych finals BUT oh my gawd i could not not post this. so just imagine that your like the fire to melt sirius’ sugary heart and that he’s super soft and sweet with you okay

SECRET SANTA | S.B X READER

You haven’t had this much fun in a long time.

It had been a long day for you, full of studying and reading up on topics for exams. You had tutoring lessons to get to tomorrow, along with three extra classes to get to.

Studying, however, was apparently not allowed. At least, that’s what Lily must’ve thought as she dragged you to the Gryffindor Common Room with her. Her friends were sitting around the fireplace, Marlene practically laid on Dorcas’ lap like a cat. Mary was sick, currently locked up in her room.

Remus sat closest to the fireplace in a single arm chair, reading a rather large tome. You sighed internally, the sight of the book reminding you of the studies you should be committing yourself to right now. James and Sirius were sitting on the largest sofa near the couch, Peter spread out on the floor with his hands crossed on his stomach.

“Bambi!” James called out, standing up dramatically to pull you in a hug. “Oh, I’ve missed you! You’ve been locked up forever, you know? Your studies have kidnapped you.”

“Oh hush,” you chuckled, a small squeaking sound escaping your throat as he pulled you to sit down between him and Sirius.

“Hi Sirius,” you smiled softly as he wrapped his arm around your shoulders, leaning your head on his shoulder. He was always rather warm, no matter what the conditions were.

“Hi there, faon.” he whispered. Lily always liked to point out that he calmed down significantly around you, especially in the recent years.

“So,” Lily said ominously, standing on one of the coffee tables with a wide smirk. She had really been shining recently, through her friends and her studies. “We’re going to do Secret Santa this year!” 

“Secret Santa?” Sirius asked confusedly, tilting his head to the side slightly. “What’s that?”

“You put your names in a bucket, kind of like the TriWizard Tournament,” Remus began to explain to them, closing his book after bookmarking it. “Everyone picks a name, and you have to get a present for the person.” 

“So it’s randomized?” Marlene asked Remus, smiling brightly at that. “If I get James, I’m giving him a stink bomb!”

“No you won’t!” James said dramatically, clutching his chest. “That’s so wrong of you!”

“Hush, everyone.” Lily said, pulling out a metal bucket. “Now put your names in here.”

You chuckled quietly at her directness, watching as everyone else grabbed a small ticket and wrote their names down. Sirius grabbed you a ticket and pen, letting you write your name down before he put it in the bin for you.

Lily hummed softly once everyone put their names in, shaking the bucket before putting it down on the table. “Now, you have to remember,” she said to them, wagging her finger. “You can’t say who you got. That’s what makes it a secret.”

“So no tattle-tailing?” Peter said, a small pout in his voice as he sat up to pick a name. “Aw man.” 

“It’s fine, Pete.” James smiled, ruffling his hair.

You looked around the room as everyone made a small yet somewhat line to get their names. Sirius grabbed you a name along with his, holding his name away from your vision with a small smirk.

“You’re ridiculous.” you chuckled, opening your name. It was a fancy cursive you almost couldn’t read, the S extremely dramatic. Sirius Black.

“Do we have to get something specific?” you asked curiously, closing the small slip before James could look over your shoulder. “Like something comfortable, or something school related?”

“Nothing specific, just whatever would suit them best.” Lily said, closing her flap as she sat down next to James. 

You nodded at that, looking down at the flap. You really needed to brainstorm.

It had been a couple of days since you had gotten Sirius’ name in the Secret Santa bin, your mind running haywire with gift ideas. You had tried to study for your final exams, but you haven’t truly been able to focus on it at all.

So you tried to examine what to get him instead.

Sirius Black, while practically estranged from his family, still had access to a bunch of money. He had steadily built himself a fund of galleons over the years ever since he was in Third Year, opening a small bank account in Gringotts in order to save himself money. Which meant that he didn’t need anything material.

You knew that he loved the color red. He loved messy, though he also loved fancy and neat. Whatever it was that you were going to get him, it was going to be something custom.

Lily had invited you shopping with her, both of you heading to the Hogsmeade shops for present ideas. Snow was falling on the both of you, scarves wrapped around your necks and mouths.

“Who’d you get?” she asked curiously.

You looked at her confusedly, eyebrows furrowing at her question. “I thought you weren’t meant to tell.” you muttered to her.

“Well, if you have me, probably not.” she shrugged, smirking softly. “But I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.”

You nodded before looking down at the floor, still not sure what to even get. “I got Sirius.”

Lily gasped, jumping up and down excitedly. “I got James! Maybe we can get them something to match, I bet they’d love that.”

You nodded slowly at that, looking through the closest shop windows.

It was a cute charm shop, currently filled with Christmas themed things. There was different kinds of candies, candy canes and peppermints displayed at the center.

“Do you see that?” you asked, pointing at the window. “Those charms are cute.”

Lily looked over at what you were looking at. The window had a small poster on one of the panels, promoting an animal charm with star charms stamped out of the metal. “We could get a deer and a dog charm!”

You smiled softly at the idea, both of you walking inside of the store. Lily walked around the store excitedly, picking up all sorts of trinkets and small gifts for Secret Santa and regular Christmas presents. You were looking at the charms still, the gears in your mind turning.

The dog charm would be custom made, potentially gold if you were lucky. You could most likely get a roll of wrapping paper to match it. A small present wrapped with a red bow and peppermint, all with a small charm attached to it.

The idea was custom, something that was cute and made just for Sirius. A cute wrapping that fed into his Gryffindor ego, and something one couldn’t exactly buy at a store.

And that thought got you thinking.

You began walking around the store, looking at gift ideas for Sirius. At first, nothing was sticking out. That was until you stumbled on the journal section. 

They were regular journals, though you quickly figured that you could decorate it. You bought a new pen as well, along with small lace rolls and small sheets of paper to decorate it.

You also bought a small box to wrap it in when you were done, meeting up with Lily outside. She had about three big bags, contrasting heavily with your single small bag.

“What’d you get?” she asked excitedly.

You smiled softly, feeling the Christmas spirit absolutely radiating off of her. “You’ll see.”

You were sitting in your dorm room with Mary, who was still sick from a flu that she had gotten. She was sitting a bit away from you, but you decided to let her watch you make your present for Sirius.

“Thanks for letting me watch.” Mary whispered, her voice hoarse from the flu. “Really, Y/N.”

“You’re welcome.” you smiled softly, your pen nib rubbing against the paper as words formed on the pages. You had been obsessively writing in the journal for days at this point, rewriting letters you had secretly written for him down from memory. 

When you first met Sirius, you were in your First Year while he was in his Second Year. You went on the train along with James, sitting down in the corner of the compartment. 

The memory is still vivid in your mind, the way he sat down next to you and asked about the book you were reading. He was probably trying to impress you was what James and Remus had told you, he wanted to make a good impression on someone so close to James after all. But you still enjoyed it. And he stayed quiet and calm with you, even to this day. 

You remember your first birthday with him, how he got you your favorite author’s novels all hand signed. He had said that the present was a casual present for him to get, but you had been moved to tears almost instantly. You remember his first birthday with you as well, his only request being that he was able to hang out with his friends. He didn’t want any presents that year, the only gift he got being a sweater that your mother made for him.

Suffice to say, you had a lot of memories with him. And you liked to journal them all, a mix between day to day entries, memoir-like posts, or poems. Some were embarrassing, sure, but you planned on putting them in anyways.

“Who’s the journal for anyways?” Mary asked curiously, leaning forward.

“It’s for Sirius.” you whispered quietly, somewhat wishing that you didn’t have to say it. God forbid that she say that the journal was a bad idea, especially when you were already halfway through.

“Sirius?” she asked. “You actually got a gift idea?”

“What do you mean?” you asked.

Mary chuckled, but that quickly turned into a coughing fit. “I tried to get him a good present for his birthday last year, but nothing worked.” she explained, taking a sip of water. “I mean, what do you give a man who has everything?”

“Uh,” you mumbled, looking down at your lap. “Something of yours that he wouldn’t have?”

“Like a whole journal’s worth of handwriting samples?” she joked, smiling tiredly.

You chuckled softly at that, gently nudging her with your elbow as you continued to write in the journal. You were somewhat near the end, about one fourth of it left to go.

“It’s time to give out the presents!” Lily said, ringing a small bell in her hands as everyone gathered around the fireplace.

You were standing by Remus in the back, both of you holding cups of hot chocolate in your hands.

“Who’d you get?” he asked curiously.

“I got Sirius.” you mumbled, taking a sip of the hot chocolate before pointing to your present underneath the tree. “The one with the red bow and peppermint. Who did you get?”

“Lily.” he nodded, taking a sip of his own drink. “She’s been wanting to check out this one author, but his books are pricey. So I bought her a small starter set of his books.”

“That’s a good present.” you whispered softly.

Remus nodded, chuckling softly. “I also got her a book on Quidditch I told her to hide, that way she could impress James. Could you imagine the expression on his face when she starts talking about Quidditch?”

“Oh, it’d be priceless.” you chuckled, already imagining the expression on his face. 

“I know.” he chuckled, turning to you with a curious expression. “What’d you get Sirius?”

“Me?” you asked, clearing your throat. “I got him a journal.” you said awkwardly.

He nodded, not pushing any further. The bell rang again, Lily’s voice calling out to you both a bit impatiently. “Get over here you two!”

Remus chuckled softly as he sat by the fireplace, you taking your spot next to Sirius. Your head found its way to his shoulder as the presents magically sorted themselves, yours landing neatly right in front of you.

It was a stack of boxes that had an ornate wrapping with a pure silk ribbon of your favorite color, a small chocolate hanging off the bow.

You could tell immediately that it was Sirius’ gift.

“Sirius.” you chuckled softly, your hands pausing as they moved to unwrap the presents. You didn’t want to mess it up, especially since it looked so expensive. No doubt he spent hours on it. 

“You can open it anytime you want.” he chuckled softly at you, hand resting behind you as he leaned back just a bit. “I don’t mind if you rip it.”

“Are you sure?” you asked, looking over at him confusedly. “It looks so, like, effort-y.”

“Effort-y?” he chuckled, barking out a laugh.

“Like you put in effort!” you said, giggling softly at his teasing as your hands eventually moved to the bow. “This silk is so soft.”

“It is.” he said, a small smile resting on his face.

You opened the box at the top first. It was a vintage necklace wrapped in a heart-shaped box, a small flower detail painted on it.

“This is,” you whispered, looking at him as you held it in his hands. It was pure metal, you already knew, most likely costing hundreds of Galleons. “Sirius, this is so pretty.”

“It reminded me of you.” Sirius whispered, holding out his hands so he could put it on you. “A lot of things do, to be fair.”

You chuckled wetly at that, sniffling as you pulled your hair up so he could clasp it around your neck. You felt like you were the only two people in the room, everything fading out in the background.

“You have two more to open.” he whispered, putting your hair back in place.

“Okay.” you whispered, opening the first one. It was copies of novels you had mentioned over the past year, some of them you mentioned over six months ago. “Sirius,”

“I felt you’d still want to read them.” he smiled softly, hand caressing your back. “I had Mary tell me if you had them in your room, used cough drops as a bribery.”

“Using a woman’s sickness to your advantage in Secret Santa?” you asked him with a small smile.

He winked at you, putting the last box in front of your lap. It was arguably rather large. “Open it.”

Your hands tore into this one, a gasp escaping your mouth as you saw it. It was a sweater, obviously hand-knit. “Sirius, where did you buy this?”

“Made.” he whispered, chuckling at the shock on your face. “I took small classes with your mom, she helped me make it for you. I’m surprised she didn’t tell you, honestly.”

“You,” you whispered, looking at him incredulously as you felt tears come to your eyes. “You are absolutely ridiculous, you know that?”

“Only for you.” he winked dramatically, looking down at the box in front of him. “Now, I assume that this is from you, right?”

“Uh,” you whispered, nodding. “Yeah, it is.”

He smiled brightly, opening the present carefully before gasping. “A journal?”

“It’s something that a man who has everything wouldn’t have.” you whispered anxiously, fidgeting with your nail beds.

Sirius’ eyes darted over the journal, opening it to look at the different pages. His eyes widened and his mouth dropped slightly, small tears coming to his eyes as he read the introduction.

“Do you like it?” you asked anxiously.

“Y/N, this is,” he whispered, a wet laugh escaping his throat. “The best present I’ve ever gotten.”

You sighed softly at that, smiling as he closed the journal and looked up at you. You squeaked softly as he pulled you into a hug, wrapping your arms back around him.

“Godric, I love you.” he whispered.

“Y/N!” 

You turned around to find Sirius walking up to you, the rain outside becoming background noise the closer that he came to you.

“Sirius?” you asked, pulling your jacket further around yourself. It was cold in the library.

“I love you.”

Those words both broke and caused a silence you weren’t sure if you liked or not. He loved you? What did that even mean? Was it platonic or romantic? Who randomly walks up to someone proclaiming their love, in a library near closing? 

Sirius, apparently.

“You what?” you asked confusedly.

“I love you.” he said, walking forward and taking your hands in his. “I mean, like, romantically. I read your journal twice now. And I can’t just not tell you anymore, you mean too much to hide it.”

“You love me?” you asked incredulously.

Sirius nodded softly, squeezing your hand anxiously as he looked up at you. “Do you?”

“Do I?” you asked him.

“Love me back?” he asked. 

You looked at him incredulously, as if the idea was almost impossible. In a sense, it really was. How could you not love him?

“I do.” you whispered. You giggled quietly at his sigh of relief, a sound of surprise coming out of your throat as his lips met yours. They molded together perfectly, like two magnets made just to connect to one another.

You smiled softly, watching him run off with an excited smile before coming back. But then he did it again, running joyful laps around the library to get his excitement out. 

“Does this mean you’ll be my wife?” he asked.

“Maybe not yet,” you chuckled at his dramatics. “But maybe we can start with dating.”

He smiled even brighter at that, continuing his laps before coming back for a kiss. You kissed him like you breathed, it came so easily to you. 

You two eventually broke apart, a large laugh escaping your mouth as he squeezed you into a hug that got tighter by the minute. You weren’t sure anything could hold tighter.

That was until you two got interrupted.

“Pads, what the fuck?” James asked, both of you turning around with small smiles and an embarrassed flush.

“I’ll see you later.” he whispered, giving you a soft peck before running out the opposite direction.

“You won’t be seeing shit tomorrow morning!” James yelled, running after him.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

PHEW this was a LONG ONE let me tell you BUT!!!!!!!! i got it out of my system, i can finally rest and go to bed and sleep and slumber, all of those glory dory things that people do

it's probably not the most realistic sirius depiction out there but i really like the idea of soft sirius okay guys >:( u can pry my boy out of my cold and dead hands when i DECEASE okay, i love soft sirius.

AS ALWAYS, please like, comment, and reblog! it means the absolute world to me yawl dont understand unless u do then u do but anyways HAVE A GOOD DAY LOVELIESSS

[hyperions-light]

Here are my personal reasons for being fine that Varric is dead for real:

> Tired of them dragging this old man around everywhere. Let him rest!

> Was always the best in DA2, his natural environment. If I want to hang out with my bestest buddy Varric, I will do it as Hawke in the blood magic ritual hellhole that is Kirkwall

> DAI did not do anything interesting with his character. It looked like from previews that we were supposed to get an arc for him that never materialized. He was just there bc he was a fan fave, not bc it actually served the narrative or his character development. EA/BW execs or whoever were probably going to insist this continue forever bc money.

> I liked his dynamic with Rook in DATV, which was very different from Hawke and Inquisitor

> It was his choice. It was HIS choice! He tells you! He knew what might happen, and he chose to try and talk Solas down anyway. He prioritized someone he cared about over his own safety, which is an extremely Varric thing to do. He died fighting for his personal convictions and principles. That’s a good fucking death!

> He literally haunts the entire narrative and is integral to the story’s discussions of death

> He’s still there, you know? Stories make you immortal. Telling stories, being part of them; and he is everywhere. He is immortal within the diegesis of the narrative and externally, because he is the weaver and the heart of them. As long as there is Dragon Age, there’s Varric.

Thanks, Varric, and thanks Mary Kirby. It was a great ride <3

[reareaotaku]

She's the Only Girl that I wanna Love

Pt 1: Mary is the Girl I Wanna Fuck Summary: Miles was acting strange... Stranger than usual anyway Tw: Implied sexual indications, Gaslighting, Emotional manipulation [Might make a part 3???] Taglist: @tomhockstetter7-111, @onegayvampire, @niajjcka, @ihatemakingnames, @maxiscoolongg, @ashhole0-0, @fxchild

You awoke feeling hot all over. You felt hands on you and feet entangled with your own. It took a minute before you realized what had happened. You were trapped in Miles hold. When seeing his peaceful face, you remembered what had happened.

You sat up, but not before wiggling your way out of his grip. You release a sigh, before pushing your fingers through your hair. You can hear him moving in his sleep, before he groans, his hands seemingly searching for you.

Miles peeks opens his eyes, before calling out your name, confusing on where you were.

"I'm still here. I didn't leave."

He looks up at you confused, before scratching the back of his head, his eyes scrunching together. "Right. I mean... where would you go?" He chuckles.

---

You had been stuck in the Fairchild mansion for longer than originally planned, but it didn't seem to bother Miles. In fact, he relished in your presence occupying the home. You both knew you'd have to leave soon, but Miles was hoping that maybe something would happen and stop you from leaving.

Sure, maybe it was a terrible thought, but it was far from the worst thought Miles ever had, especially the ones with you in it. The thought made him smirk to himself. He knows he shouldn't think about you in such a way, but honestly, he didn't have much of a moral compass to care. Besides, he was sure you felt the same way. You had to. You were perfect for each other. Perfect.

---

You frowned as your fingers pressed against the strings. It was frustrating and irritating. There were indents on your fingers from the guitar. You groan before taking off the guitar strap and putting the guitar by your side.

"Had enough already?"

You roll your eyes, before looking at him, "We've been doing this forever. I think it's time to accept that I'm just hopeless."

He laughs, "I don't think you're hopeless."

"Well, I sure feel that way. Why can't we do something else?"

"Okay, what do you want to do?"

"Um... Isn't there a fish pond near?"

"Yeah, but the pond is probably frozen."

"That's too bad."

---

Things were weird. The house felt.... cold. And dark. There was something off about the place, but you couldn't put your finger on it. Not to mention Miles was acting weird... At least, weirder than usual. He wasn't the Miles you knew at school; He was a lot, well, meaner. Maybe not to you directly, but you could see it in the way he treated those around him. It wasn't him. But who was it?

You thought about confronting him, but what would you have said? You don't even have any concrete idea of what is happening, just a feeling. You can't confront someone based on a feeling. But... You didn't like the change and you wanted Miles back, but how could you do it?

---

You felt trapped and Miles was clearly mad. You weren't sure why, but it must have been something you said.

"So, what? I'm not good enough for you?"

"I never said that-" You sheepishly get out as he steps towards you, his nose nearly touching yours. His eyes were dark and swarmed with an unknown emotion.

"You didn't have to say it. I know. Nobody thinks I'm good enough." He looks away from you, a frown over taking your face, "Maybe... that's why my parents are dead."

"That's not true, Miles. Your parents loved you-"

"Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Love me?"

"Of course-"

"Then why won't you stay?"

"I can't not go to school, Miles."

"That's not what I said. Don't twist my words."

"You said you wanted me to stay-"

"Yes."

"And by staying, I would be missing school."

"What is it about school? The people? You don't talk to anyone else. The work? Education? You can do it from here. There are people trained-"

"No, Miles."

"What?"

"I'm not staying here with you. I don't know what's going on... Maybe it's this house, but I can't stay here. YOU can't stay here," You grab his hands, pulling them close to you. But when you look up at him, it's like he's not there. "You have to get out of here, Miles. Something's happening to you and I think it has something to do with this house."

He tilts his head, "Oh, Y/n." He pulls one of his hands out of your grip and caresses your face. "You're so precious... Yet so stupid." You feel him reach behind your ear and press hard on that hollow spot. You try squeezing your shoulders together and grabbing his hand, but it was useless- He was stronger than you and you were slowly losing conscious. You... couldn't... think... Your eyes.... are heavy.... Then it was all black.