#anyway. im okay but this has been taking a HUGE toll on my own mental health :////

[sevenyeargap]

.

[spikeinthepunch]

i have my 2022 art summary queued up and just want to ramble about the last year,... lots of stuff happened, good and bad! been a strange time.

i imagine most followers around have probably been here since late 2020 but 2020-21 i did art quite a bit, but the thing that really stuck for that period was i was super involved in warrior cats RP for some time-- i love RPing and these group also got me motivated to draw too! but i feel like i kind of wasnt around in the typical way due to how consumed i was in it. i dont think i need to go into detail of every month during that time, but it wasnt until early this year where i dropped it, and i didnt really publicize in detail why due to the issues surrounding it, but it was probably the biggest impact on me this year mentally, and in terms of art direction. and i feel like itd feel good to document this in a blog after it has now blown over- and why ive shifted my direction too.

i was very happily running my own RP server for just a year before i had to close it this year and it still makes me sad, as much as i moved on. ARP was like... a very big deal for me and i cant deny that. i dont have a lot of projects i get that into or get even close to setting off with its story figured out. i wrote well over 100 pages of documents for the world and the 6 planned arcs. i drew loads of art i couldnt even share until it closed (tbh im not positive i have shared it anyways bc i didnt wanna post it here). i made a website, i made riddles and code, i developed lore that was far outside of the warrior cats scope to it basically just being original!

truly i have never developed a project as far as i made ARP and to shut it down in order to save my privacy and past trauma from being further exposed in such an inappropriate way really sucked ass. a lot. it was a situation where there was no control given to me, no sense of understanding from the community. im not writing this out now to be pointing fingers and calling out names- just venting how it took a toll on me this year. what had happened with my server was that one of my own mods decided to dig into my profiles and found an old nsfw page, which even more indirectly led to an old flist, which exposed various things i was into around 17-19, reflecting trauma and abuse id been through (in it, voiced wanting to take part in certain kinks; ex. being a victim to violence and dubious consent scenarios). this information was at first presented as a threat to minors viewing my RP page (as in "ppl can see your nsfw profile from the blog!") which wasnt true/accessible as they said it was and required many many clicks to find, and then slowly revealed to me the people exposing this were in fact two of my own mods and was promptly cut off from explaining anything else as it spread in a private mod discord in the RP community. Which was worse to me than everything else that could have happened honestly, and i only learned this second hand from a person who saw it in that discord and thought it was horrible this information was spreading like that behind my back. in some ways things were okay-- i didnt get "called out" openly as i did my best to explain how these pages were not current to those around me, and that they had dug into some deep cutting trauma and a period where i wasnt getting any help to cope properly. it still didnt stop the fact i left every other RP i was in due to connections w those exposing it, and in turn closing my own. i dont want to say im thankful i didnt get called out publicly, but the damage was bad enough in so many other ways because i couldnt continue my server at all, and in the end people's obsession with purity culture in the fandom still made them deem me "bad" because i had nsfw accounts in any capacity. thats not a space i want to be around anyways...

ill forever be thankful for those who stuck it out to the end and witnessed the documents i got to share before closing it for good. but this was a HUGE part of my life for the last years of the pandemic, and i wasnt there for warriors cats- i was there for the people i knew, and the stories i made. i still miss RP a lot, and i want to host projects like that again after moving on mentally from that ordeal.

but my 2022 art summary shows a major shift that was 100% in part to disconnecting from wcrp. humans everywhere! seriously. for a solid few months i couldnt even bare to look at anything related to ARP. i didnt want to think about how i lost this story i developed so hard for so long.

honestly didnt really start drawing properly again until the summer- my art during my HL phase was very very light and very messy. i fell into a hard depression early summer and i only crawled out when i got into mcyt- and even then i was hiding it from this blog. i think i just needed to not feel like i was "online", because August included me joining a onceler RP and again, not saying anything about it. which Weehawken was the first RP thing I had done since i closed ARP too, and it was weird. not the RP itself, it just felt weird to try that again.

and it wasnt my favorite month, i just felt so tired and exhausted- that depression was kinda lingering and drawing a lot for an RP again was something i wasnt really used to anymore.

the past three months have been.... better? or i have at least enjoyed what i am drawing more. i think im far enough removed from what happened with ARP too that it doesnt weigh on me as strongly. i wasnt blaming myself for anything but it doesnt feel good when you know you have to kill something. we talked about recovering it, i had ideas, but i just knew it wouldnt be worth trying to with so much damage caused in my own self, and the impression that whole community left on me knowing people would willingly spread such personal information without question. having trauma exposed after going to therapy and relearning how to use the internet in a way that doesnt lean on trauma dumping and whatever unhealthy bullshit? its quite a blow. i dont make personal blogs like this often because i have good methods to deal with my shit these days.

despite this messy year im doing well. its been ups and downs. overall i know im far more confident in myself, i moved out to live on my own, and im just doing my thing. whatever bull shit happened this year, call out or not, i know im still just gonna keep doing whatever it is im doing. and heres to hoping i can bring a world to life like i did with ARP again, bc i really have a lot i want to tell and show and do.

[kurooisdbest]

nickname: carri

men: iwaizumi, tsukishima, konoha

number: 11

TSYM!!!

heyyy Carri! PLS DONT HATE ME IM SORRY IF ITS SUUUPER LATE BUT Thank you for participating hihi🥺

here are your results !

Tsukishima (Friends)

Iwaizumi (Acquaintances)

Konoha (Engaged)

TSUKISHIMA

Your friendship with Tsukishima started when you became a manager for the Karasuno VBC together and withYachi

You were already close with the other 1st years but Tsukishima was a tougher nut to crack

he was always cocky and standoffish, and that ticked you off but you being you, you got used to it and began learning how to bark back at him.

Thus, your battle of insults would turn into a tackling sessions (he was surprised how fast and strong you were, being able to attack him like a predator pouncing on its prey. Little did he know you grew up in a house with three older brothers making you a professional in wrestling matches *for the sake of the story let’s just say u have brothers hehe*), and of course would result to the both of you being lectured by Daichi and Suga

With Daichi getting impatient with the two of you, he always punished the both of you with penalty laps. A day never went by without the both of you running around the gym. Daichi was pleased with the result but he would never admit that. He saw how you and Tsukishima became closer, what began in endless bickering evolved into small chit chats, and he was a proud dad

Your friendship with Tsukishima became one of the most valued relationships you have until present;

It was the end of the MSBY vs Adlers match, and you, together with your batchmates decided to drink after to catch up with one another.

“Tsukiiiiiiiiiii come on pls I’m strong now!” you pouted at your best friend, begging him to allow you to drink.

He knew you were a lightweight, you all discovered that during one of Kuroo and Bokuto’s afterparty, when he had to carry you home after finding you passed out in the corner. Thus, he made you swear to drink only when he or the other boys were around.

His nose scrunched at your incessant begging and groaned, knowing he could never win over you. “Fine since your so ‘strong’” he made sure to make air quotes before continuing. “bring your ass back home on your own.” he deadpanned. You smiled at him brightly before linking your arms with him, dragging him to the bar.

It’s been so long since you guys got together like this. So much untold stories from Hinata’s trip to Brazil, Making fun of Kageyama’s awkward commercials, and of course the story of how Yamaguchi and Yachi got together.

As much as Tsukishima protested, he couldn’t deny that he missed hanging out like this. So much has changed in a small amount of time… except for one.

You were drinking to your heart’s content, naive of the consequences you were about to face the next day. He laughed at the drooling mess beside him and sighed. He brushed the stray hair on your face and smiled.

“I forgot to ask!” Hinata shouted from the other side of the table. “Have you ever confessed t-“ he was cut by Kageyama’s hand covering his mouth. Tsukishima glared at the ginger headed male before standing up. “We’ll be going first.” He dragged your body to stand, before carrying you on his back.

Your head rested on his shoulder as he carried you to his car. The smell of his cologne made your lips curl into a smile before nuzzling your head on his neck. “Thank you, Tsukki. i wuv yyyuuuuuu!!! youuur the bestttt” your words slurred before fully passing out. He clicked his tongue and chuckled lightly. “You’re a pain in the ass you know that?” he looked back at you, seeing how peaceful you were, letting out soft snores, before letting a smile adorn on his face.

IWAIZUMI

You recently moved from Tokyo after your father was reassigned to work in Miyagi

Being an alumnus of Aoba Johsai, he enrolled you there for your third year

Everything was going smooth. Your movers arrived on time, you easily unpacked your furniture, and you had everything you needed to face the new environment you were about to enter

However, what your father forgot to mention was that Aoba Johsai was HUGE

Hence, what would a new transferee like yourself have to go through? of course, Get lost i the vicinity

You applauded yourself mentally for thinking ahead and left for school early or else you would be late on your first day

After dozens of twists and turns you finally reached your classroom

Your homeroom teacher entered and instructed you to introduce yourself in front of the class “Hi, My name is l/n y/n. I transferred here from Nekoma. I hope we could get along.” you ended your introduction with a bow before returning to your seat.

“Thank you. L/n and Iwaizumi, I would like to speak to you both after class.” He stated before continuing with his announcements.

You didn’t know anyone in your school and you couldn’t help but wonder what your teacher wanted to talk to you about with Iwaizumi.

After class, you turn your head to where Iwaizumi was seated to see him asleep on his desk.

“Iwaizumi-san?” you poked his shoulder, trying to wake him up. Take note of the word: “Trying” because it seemed like you wouldn’t succeed with just a mere poke.

He must’ve been tired for him to fall asleep like this. Having no choice, you grabbed both of his shoulders and started shaking him. His body jolted and raised his head from the desk and gave you a confused look. You simply smiled at his reaction and told him how both of you were instructed to meet with your professor after class.

His cheeks slightly flushed in embarrassment for forgetting and for making you wake him up.

In the office, your teacher told Iwaizumi to show you around campus so that you wouldn’t have to get lost next time.

You tried to decline, feeling guilty for making Iwaizumi show you around but despite your attempts to politely decline, Iwaizumi faced you and gave you a gentle smile. “It’s alright. I don’t have practice today anyway. Come on.” He turned his back and walked toward the exit.

However, you were glued there and couldn’t utter a word. You suddenly feel a hand grab yours and pulled you along.

When the both of you exited the office, Iwaizumi let go of your hand and walked ahead, glancing back at you every once in a while to make sure you were following him.

He walked by your side and toured you around the school, telling you facts and what he called “survival” tips. (Tip#1: Never fall for Oikawa. Who was that? you didn’t know. What does it have to do with you? again, you didn’t know fjsjbfjd)

sometimes your hands brush against each other and sometimes he would put an arm around your shoulder bringing you closer when you pass through places with huge crowds.

He explained to you that he didn’t want you to get lost and you let him continue because somehow… even if it’s just your first day, you might just have made your first (crush) friend

KONOHA

You had been together with Konoha for almost 6 years now. A relationship which bloomed and nurtured from middle school until high school

Despite being a year younger than him, his childish antics proved that maybe, just maybe, you were older than him in terms of maturity

He begged you to become a manager right after you became a 1st year in Fukurodani and not missing a chance to spend time with your boyfriend, you agreed.

Both of you were busy with Finals and the volleyball competitions ahead but that didn’t stop you from spending time with your boyfriend. You’re relationship was past the point of fussing over the small issues. You both were in sync with one another and the both of you learned how to handle problems that would occasionally arise.

Everything became a routine. You would spend your breaks with Konoha and the volleyball team, study after classes before training starts, and walk home together after trainings.

Although lately, you’ve been spending time with each other less. Sure, you and Konoha would study in the library together but that was it. You wondered why he would suddenly bail on you without a word, you wondered why he insisted on letting you go home first, and why he would reply late to your texts.

You understood that maybe he was just busy but the stress you were feeling about school was starting to take its toll on you

Your emotions began to heighten. You were feeling lonely and sad, realizing that maybe the spark between you and your boyfriend was slowly fading. That maybe he found someone better. You began feeling insecure, letting your mind wander over every possible scenario about what would happen next. Is this really how your love will end?

You began to shut out everyone. You barely replied to Konoha, you spoke only in a few sentences, and at times, you couldn’t even spare him a glance.

You didn’t want anyone to think you were petty so you opted to keep everything to yourself. It didn’t bother you anymore that you were spending less and less time with Konoha. Instead of feeling hurt, you felt numb.

Little did you know everything was about to change

“l/n-san.” Fukorodani’s setter and your best friend, Akaashi tapped your shoulder. “Hm?” you answered while continuing your homework on the bench without looking at him. “l/n-san.” he repeated. You dropped your pencil to look at him. “Yes?”

“Konoha-san…” he trailed off. “Huh? What happened to Akinori?” you deadpanned. “He fainted. He’s in the infirma-” you rushed to the infirmary, cutting Akaashi off mid-sentence. A surge of concern suddenly filled you and your heart began beating rapidly.

Upon reaching the infirmary door, you slid it open only to notice the lights turned off. You flicked it on and saw no one at the desk. You entered slowly and walked further into the room, scanning the beds, looking for Konoha. At the end of the room, there you saw him. Sitting down, staring at the wall in front of him.

He didn’t seem to notice you enter as you sat yourself down beside him. “Hey Akaashi told me you fainted. Are you okay?” you hesitantly placed your hand on his. “Are you mad at me?” he whispered, eyes still on the wall. “I wouldn’t say I was mad… maybe a little hurt and I felt that you were shutting me out…I didn’t even know what you were up to… What’s up with you lately?” you answered.

“I’m sorry. I just…” he faced you and placed his free hand on your cheek, caressing it. “I didn’t know you felt that way. I was just busy, that’s all.” you leaned into his touch, unaware that you really did miss him. “It’s okay, I understand. What were you busy with? Maybe I could help…” you stared back at him. “I’m not sure if you could” he answered awkwardly while rubbing the back of his neck. “I understand, excuse me” you stood up and feeling your eyes starting to tear up.

Suddenly, you felt upset. What could he be doing that even you couldn’t help with? You were about to turn the doorknob when you felt a familiar warmth grasp your wrist. “Babe…” you muttered, tears slowly streaming down your face. You faced him with your tear-stained face and smiled.

He felt guilty for having to tell you this way. He didn’t want to do it this way but he didn’t have any other choice. “Listen to me, okay?” He grabbed both of your cheeks in his hands, making you look at him. You stared at him and nodded.

“I’m so sorry for hurting you the for the past weeks… I wanted to surprise you that was all.” he cooed before releasing your cheeks. He rummaged something in his blazer and took out a small box. “This isn’t anything fancy but I’m graduating soon, and I have to wait a year before being in the same campus as you again. Y/n, I don’t know what I would do without you in my life. I loved you in the past, I love you in the present, and I will always love you in the future. Will you marry me?”

You couldn’t help but nod as the room filled with the sound of your sobs and your sniffles. Konoha hugged you tenderly and kissed you. “I love you” you replied.

a/n: hope u guys aren’t mad at me nfkshfk ily all thank you for always being patient AAAAAA posting updates for Ace of Cups soon :”>

*I have like other requests piled up in my ask box but i’ll try to get to you soon im sorry 😭

[blue-eyedangel21]

I’m sorry..

So I wrote a whole essay yesterday only for tumblr to be really stupid and I lost it. Anyways, I came to write out my feelings and my thoughts before being done with this tumblr.  I've mentioned this tumblr to you before and you didn't care enough to even look at it for yourself. So I'm sure me typing all this is a huge waste of time but its worth losing this amount of time to let out everything I need to, to move on. It's time I put this all in my past. So we tried again recently.  And I fucked it up. Because that's all I've been doing for years now.  I'm really sorry, truly, for how i behaved and lashed out on you. It's not okay how I handled that situation.  But I have told people time and time again that I am NOT doing well mentally or emotionally. And I was not kidding nor exaggerating, as you had to find out the hard way. I did try to calm myself down when I was mad and said how I felt and what I thought at first in the most calm way I knew how then you proceeded to be an asshole and talk to me sideways. So I lost my shit. You had the opportunity to see my ugly"asshole" side.  You say I can't handle yours  when I dealt with it for a year, but you couldn't handle mine after ONE time of lashing out on you. I did NOT ghost you. I told you in the voice clip, that I was done. YOU said you weren't listening to it. So therefore it was your fault that you didn't know i was done. Your fault that you didn't take the time to hear what I had to say and went around saying I ghosted you. In that moment of anger, I was done with you. But of course like always after my anger and feelings have calmed down, I felt like shit and regretted how I behaved and the stupid decisions I make when I'm upset. So in all of that out of control emotion, I lost you. And IT IS MY FAULT. And yes I do regret it. But what is done is done. I admitted to being the problem.  But im not all of what was wrong in that relationship.  You too had issues of your own that you did not hold yourself accountable for. And I dont find it fair that I had no problem admitting I was the issue and holding myself accountable for that and my behavior. However I rarely ever heard you own up to your shit. So I'm not taking all the blame but I can take most of it because some of it was me too and not just you. But I bet you are okay with me taking the blame for all of it. The constant leaving you was not because I wanted to but because of how you made me feel. Yet I felt like I couldn't live with you, I also couldn't live without you. And that was the confusing part. Why i probably kept going back and forth. I never felt this way about anyone . I never felt like I couldn't live with them but I couldn't live without them either. You have disrespected me many times and I bit my tongue and said nothing. My whole life I've been around drama and bullshit and narcissistic abuse.. so I dont know how to be confrontational in a healthy way or how to communicate effectively without feeling like im always the problem or im wrong or my feelings are wrong. And etc. It's hard to explain but a lot of that has to do with what I had to deal with growing up and still somewhat dealing with it as an adult. So im trying to break myself from bad, unhealthy, toxic behaviors and habits. So thats why im still doing and reacting the way i am. I am 25 years old and still dealing with that shit, its not part of my past yet, but it will be. So thats just explaining why I'm like this, not excusing it.  So the times I left were mostly YOUR fault. But you also left at least  2 times too..so it isn't all me. Every time I would for sure leave you alone, youd come running back. Just when I thought I could move on here you were. And sometimes I was the one running back. Like I said i was confused. But im not running back this time. I'm not gonna reach out to you. I dont hate you nor do I love you any less. I still love you with all of my heart and that hasn't changed nor will it ever even if that has changed for you because of how I've hurt you. But for me this is speaking my truth. And thsts the truth. I'm sorry that i threw everything we were trying to build together, in the garbage over an argument and because of my emotions and my mental health being so terrible. If I could go back and change that I would but we are better off going our separate ways. I'm sorrh I had to block you but I had to block Sierra too. I do not appreciate her posts. Feel what she may but what I wrote was honest and wasn't just about you but about others I've hurt along the way. You are not the only one. I don't care that she feels that way or if she doesn't like me anymore. She's not in my shoes nor are you, to understand or try to understand. I already admitted to being the issue so if she didn't like what I posted on my fb she could've just deleted and blocked me. But instead of reacting in a bad way i deleted and blocked her because i dont need negativity when im trying to heal and move on. I dont need her judgmentYou sent19 minutes agoNor do I need yours. You are always gonna see me as the bad guy and that's fine. But im no longer looking at myself that way. I'm seeing a woman who is trying to break herself from toxic ways and toxic behavior but is struggling to do it while also going through a lot of shit. Im flawed just like you..I'm not perfect. Not even close to it. I've been understanding and patient and always trying to see your perspective and its never really been a two ways street with you. You expect that from me but don't expect to give it back. And I'm tired of that. Been tired of that. I put it in alot of effort to make shit work when I was trying to fix things but I got tired, Bee. I didn't take you seriously because every time I tried to i didnt feel like you were taking it seriously enough to change your ways and your lifestyle. I wanted you to work so you had an income to better yourself and your future and also to help tatianna with Julian. As a single mom it is hard to take care of a kid by yourself and I wanted you to try to help her financially at least.  And not only a job but to stop drinking because I don't want you to end up in a coffin at such a young age. And to leave behind your son. How fair is that to Julian?  I love you, bee. I never want anything bad to happen to you even if you don't believe that. You're the only one who doesn't see how much i love you or how bad you have had an emotional toll on me. For some reason you're blinded by all of that. You say i didn't love you but if i hadn't I would've been done with you the very first time we broke up in November . But no I fell hard for you and put a lot of effort and love into us only for us to fall apart. So.. I hope you know i wanted a family with you too. I wanted to wake up next to you and my daughter,  and one day maybe. Not just my daughter. But a child of our own. With big blue eyes and curly hair.. that looked like you. I wanted a lil boy that looked like you with my eyes and hair and your face.  I wanted that more than i could tell you. I never could tell you that because i got embarrassed.  But I wanted that, with you. Not anyone else and now i feel like that I don't want another relationship.  Nor do i want to even bother starting over with someone else and feeling like this again. I don't even care anymore. Im so drained and exhausted. You were the love of my life. I fucked it up and now the bed I made, I have to lay in. So yeah you get the satisfaction of knowing I'm hurting and regretting what I did. But I get the satisfaction of never allowing myself to make this mistake again with another person and to focus on my issues with myself so I don't bring this kind of baggage and problems into my future relationships.  So maybe it's for the better that we move on. Maybe one day you can forgive me  enough to not hate me and maybe if I'm lucky enough to at least call you my friend.  I loved you like I've never loved anyone and it is hard to write without crying but I know that sometimes life is pain and heartbreak and that if we were ever meant to be than maybe somewhere down the road we could rekindle a friendship or more but maybe the timing is off and you were my right person but wrong time. . Maybe you'll come back...maybe you won't but please know you had my heart like no others. I felt that in my soul.  I felt it when I looked at you. When I thought about you. When i talked about you. When I looked in your eyes. When you smiled or laughed. When you were doing whatever and I was just staring at you. With every kiss. Every moment in your arms. When you were sleeping so peacefully.  When you were being you, I felt like i was home and I cant tell you the last time i felt that way. It was when my grandma was alive. So to find someone who was even close to feeling like home is a serious misfortune to lose like this. And losing you and this relationship will be a grieving process for me. I had to lose the one thing that brought me happiness, wholeness and love. So I'm heartbroken it has come to this because of my actions. But I love you Bee. Please take care of yourself.

[nukefamily]

THAT DELETED SCENE THO

 let's just talk about it for a sec. 

First of all, I'm still hella salty it got deleted like all the other Barisi scenes.

Ms Drake’s Appearance

I love the looks Sonny and Rafael get on their faces when Ms Drake appeared. (Excuse some shitty screenshots cause I took most on my phone lmao.)

They were both simultaneously going "Oh God. Here we go..." Because they both realize that what she’s doing. Approaching them to talk... and this is considered inappropriate in this sense. She shouldn’t be approaching them to talk as Barba is fighting against her son as he was suspected of raping her at this point. Even despite this though, they both stop and turn around, giving her the chance to speak instead of shooing her away like most would.

Now, we all know that Sonny really could've up and continued walking to give Rafael and Ms Drake a chance to speak one on one, but with the mix of both his good conscience, wanting to support a friend and colleague in this situation, and the fact that Ms Drake said she wanted to “look Barba and Carisi in the eye,” and “ask why they’re ruining her sons life,” he felt the pull to stay. To be a support system for Barba but also see if he could weigh in on the conversation. Not to mention he wanted to know what Ms Drake wanted to say simply because he’s a good person to begin with. Not to mention the look he gave when he was first addressed. It was a concerned but interested look... with a tinge of “don't mess with either of us.”

Barba’s Apology

“I’m sorry for what you’re going through.” Now, yes, that is the normal procedural line we hear all the time on this show and in real life from both cops and lawyers alike, simply because it’s typical protocol for them not to show too much sympathy and saying this is the safe way to go about it. It tends to sound robotic but I think that was Raúl’s intentions with delivering this line. And when Ms Drake said they should drop the charges, it sounded as if she still half-believed Barba’s words despite the ‘cold’ voice he used. I appreciated it when Sonny did step in saying that they couldn’t and I love the fact that Peter used a soft, saddened voice. With this, we know that Sonny wishes they could, but considering the circumstances, considering the fact that Andrew is suspected of raping Mandy, they can’t drop the charges as Andrew needs to have some sort of punishment instead of walking free and Mandy never getting justice for what was done to her.

Now, what I like most about Barba saying that he was open to a plea was the facial expression he gave before he turned his head. 

Maybe this was a poor screenshot but anyway. The expression to me looks like he wants to be done talking because he knows exactly where the conversation is going but he continues anyway, giving her another choice. While the expression is still rather soft while holding a cold-ish stare. I find Raúl to be very good at giving these kinds of expressions. Anyway. Continuing on.

Ms Drake’s Slam

“Must feel really good standing there in your expensive suit having all the power. Moving people around like chess pieces.”

Okay. Here we go. This sentence, you can just tell by the look on Barba’s face right after she says this, he knew that she was going to say something, but this was... well, not completely what he was expecting. We know that he doesn't like feeling high and mighty before he said “No. Doesn’t feel good at all.” Because we’ve seen him in court getting emotional. Examples: (x) (x) (x) there’s probably plenty more but you get the point. This being said/shown, if someone out there was too blind to see the pain behind this man’s mask since season 14 (2012), aka 5 years, even with it showing through on multiple occasions, THERE YOU GO. There’s the pain. 

Continuing on with that, cases definitely get to Barba, especially ones involving children (or in this case young teens) despite him not being a fan of children (which is evident with the way he held Noah that one episode, which I still find hilarious because same), it's still hard for him because children are innocent. They haven’t lived life long enough to experience the pain they’ve gone through.

When Ms Drake leaves, her expression is... well actually, I don’t know what it is. It looks like she believes him but doesn’t believe him at the same time? I don’t know if there’s a word for that or not. But perhaps this expression is because she doesn’t understand the weight Rafael constantly has on his shoulders because of the fact that she isn’t an ADA. She never had to take on the huge load of work that he has to. She’s never had to break families apart. She’s never had to deal with losing a case and making his client feel betrayed. It’s just something she’s never had to deal with so she isn’t sure if he’s telling the truth or not.

Then Sonny steps forward with a, still disappointed look, but also a small bit relieved. But maybe I’m just shit at reading facial expressions idk.

That Question

“Do you still wanna be a lawyer?”

This. Line. It’s like it’s constantly on Barba’s mind and honestly, I don’t blame him for having on his mind. Going back to 17x23, he brought it up after he identified Felipe Heredio. It’s like once he realised the dangers of being an ADA could happen to him, despite being friends with cops, he wanted Carisi to realise that being an ADA wasn’t all he probably thought. It wasn’t all fun court stuff. There was an actual risk of being one and he doesn’t seem to want Carsi to be in danger despite him being a Police Detective.. and he’s been in tough situations (so far).

Having a rough start when he joined SVU as the others thought he was blunt and insensitive despite his skills. It took a while, but he did eventually get respect and friendship from his colleagues.

He also has a tough time keeping his emotions in check like the time he nearly broke the dentist’s hand because he raped his own niece. 

Sonny responds with the fact he’s been thinking about it but when Barba says there’s an opening in Manhatten, Carisi goes on to decline said offer because he wants to stay a cop to protect and serve. Especially after Dodds’ death. 

Now, jumping back to the deleted scene, when Carisi was asked again, fdjkgf okay wait. So, because Barba asked, I’m automatically assuming that they talked about Sonny wanting to be a lawyer because we know characters interact off camera. It’s common knowledge at this point. So when Carisi says “Not today,” I’m thinking he told Barba he wanted to try again but there have been no openings recently which is.. understandable and maybe the new ADA, who’s coming in God knows when, took the spot in Manhattan between 17x23 and 19x04. Now, we won’t know this for sure until he comes into the show but aNYWAY.

Sonny’s Response

Because Sonny said “Not today,” I can only assume he realises the challenges involved in being a lawyer. Not that he hasn’t before but it’s suddenly coming back to him. Maybe he’s realising that it is a good thing to simply be a cop with a lawyer mindset as he can give another viewpoint when Barba isn’t there. But let’s just talk about the facial expression he gives. He’s also glad he doesn’t have to go through what Barba does, no matter how selfish that might sound on his part.

Like, you can see the concern in his face (and his voice but that’s beside the point-no it’s not but I’m not focusing on that because it’s audible. shh). I feel like this is because he honestly feels bad for Barba having to deal with this crap day in and day out. He knows it’s taking a toll on him and he feels bad, but there’s not much he can do but provide distractions for him every so often.

The Look™

I feel like this was geared towards Sonny's response. While we know Rafael is proud of Sonny, there's something else there. He wants Sonny to become a lawyer, but at the same time, does he want Sonny to be a lawyer? He's been a lawyer for a long time, since before season 14. I can't remember if they've ever said how long he's been one. He knows Sonny has been through a lot. Obviously, we know that too. I mean, hell, here are some things I didn’t mention above.

He was nearly shot in the head at gunpoint in 18x07 by Sgt. Tom Cole, a rape suspect. That had to of taken a toll on his mental state for a while, if not permanently. Thank you to Olivia for saving him btw.

When he was doing his best to hold onto the man’s hand in 19x02 (i forget his name pls forgive) but the glove slips off the man's hand and he ultimately plummets to his death and Sonny is very shaken up about it. 

And I mean, there are probably other things I forgot to write down but yeah. Barba knows that despite all that, something in Sonny wouldn’t be able to handle the hard passings of being a lawyer/ADA. And honestly, I feel that way too. With his good conscience, I feel like he wouldn't be able to work properly if he got a client who was the suspect of a crime. Not to mention, Barba probably realises Carsis sees court as “cool” and “awesome” and he’s “awestruck” by it. But once he gets to be a lawyer, he’ll realise it’s not all he thought it out to be. He doesn’t realise how hard being a lawyer is yet and Barba is probably trying to shield him from that fact for a while until Carisi is like “lol fuk u im doing it” and he doesn’t want to see the Detective’s dreams go down the drain. But I don’t think Barba realises that Carisi realises that being a lawyer isn’t all he thought it was gonna be due to the fact that he was always so giddy and excited when he was taking night classes.

Walking Away

Now, at the end when Barba is following after Carisi, I began thinking. 

Barba is walking after Sonny faster than normal

They must be going somewhere together

Where this somewhere is, who knows. My shipper brain really wants to take over and write a bunch of fantasies but I’m being realistic here in this thought thing so I’m not gonna do that. All I’m gonna say is maybe they’re going to get drinks or something. K? K.

Overall I’m still salty they cut this.