#anyway. ill be back in a while with my thoughts on dramas that came out in 2021

[jealousmartini]

Hii, one day I came across ur acc, and I loved it! Even the aura I scripted for my kpop drs, is the same as yours but with some different things lol Today while still deciding some things to add to my aura, I realize that I REALLY wanna create some drama. Like me and an idol having beef, or me defending myself bc a female iodl wants to beat me up idk but I feel like i'm the only one lmao. I see everyone wanna be friends with their idols and their s/o but I wanna be an idol specially to know all the drama going behind the cameras, the HOT tea. Like did 2 male idols ever beat the sh#t out of each other back of the MAMA building during awards shows? Or how do idols ever go to parties with out being caught? And if so, do idols who are minors go to parties?? Bc I'm a minor rn, and I'm going to shift with my age, and I LOVE parties 🤩 but I'm not gonna script things like "all idols can go out freely" bc I wanna see the raw thing, how idols actually live.

Actually I just came here to ask u if u have any drama with another idols in ur dr, or if u plan to script anyone. And if so who and why? 🧐 But I ended speaking too much lmao. Anyways, love ur account 🫶🏾🫶🏾

OH MY GOSH ITS YOU! I REMEMBER WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU LIKE ONE OF MY POSTS BUT YOUR PFP THREW ME OFF CUS I THOUGHT IT WAS ME LMAO😭😭😭

ANYWAY HEY SWEETHEART IM SO GLAD YOU LOVE MY BLOG❤️❤️ AND OHH MYY GODD I LOVE THIS ASK SO MUCH I HAVE SO MUCH I WANT TO SAY SO ILL BULLETPOINT THEM

«───────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ────────»

DRAMA, CONTROVERSIES, AND SCANDALS.

DATING RUMOURS

First I'll start off by saying Taehyung and Jennie were 100% dating back in 2017-2019 and those pictures taken of them were definitely real.

And speaking of BTS members dating other idols, the biggest controversial dating rumour circulating BTS is if Jungkook and Chae Kyung are secretly dating because of the amount of references we've have made about each other and the candid pictures taken of us hanging out

Other than him, I do have like 5-6 dating rumours with other idols too but "KyuKook" or "Rookie" is the most popular ship surrounding me in my reality.

Also I kind of have a thing for controversial ships can't lie. I am a freak for older men (AS LONG AS ITS ONLY THE MEN I LIKE LMAOO😭😭) so I do not care if fans ship me with yoongi or jin or whatever cus I may or may not have scripted it but that's none of your business.

BEEF RUMOURS

Now see me personally I don't have any real beef with any idols but more with anonymous haters. There are countless meme clips of me responding to haters cussing them out and fact checking them it's actually hilarious how I am 85% of the reason why O.M.G is called the messiest group.

Yeah no beef rumours for me

IDOLS GO PARTYING

No one actually understands how much I love this topic because in this reality, I am not big on parties but I wish I liked them so ive scripted in my kpop dr that I enjoy parties (I also scripted I'm a bit of a lightweight just to be dramatic) and I have always wondered how idols got away with sneaking out to parties some of the time unnoticed.

Of course not always because of those candid pictures of idols walking together and dancing in a club but the idea of it is so exciting to me plus I don't really gaf if a fan sees me and I get hate for it lmao. I'm out here dancing and being shipped with YOUR "oppa", and YOU'RE🫵🏾 not!

If anything, I am looking forward to those candid pictures cus I love the attention so nah I'm not scripting "idols can go partying freely" I LIVE FOR THE DRAMA. GIVE ME THAT ADRENALINE RUSH🗣🗣‼️

[completely-zoned-out]

hehe im coming to say hi here instead of the other way around :3 but omg i think it just hit me now that.... w gwangil gone that's gonna be a very long time without an ot4 comeback and part of me just wants wonsang to enlist as soon as possible so that the time will be shorter until theyre back :( but i wonder if hes working on a lot of songs to put out while theyre enlisted since hes the producer.... i could def see yechan and sangyeop doing some type of comeback or putting out new music and maybe even collabing w other kbands like they did with daybreak. i honestly just hope we still get some new music cause idk how ill survive 2 years with no new lucy music (ik ill survive somehow but ive consistently been able to look forward to amazing comebacks from lucy since i stanned in 2022 during play era so... it'll def be a change of pace) BUT YEAH EMO HOURS HERE I COME 🫠

id be interested to know what you think their plan is for enlistment era. whether wonsang is gonna enlist sooner or later and new music timeline etc!! recently also been thinking about what type of songs lucy would write for you...

yechan would make a super emotional song and ofc its gonna have a beautiful violin section in it, i feel like he could even incorporate some classical music into it and it'd be soooo pretty. but more frequently than writing his own songs for you he'd always take your requests for anything you want him to play

sangyeop would probably put you through some emotions like he'd be singing his heart out to you and after hes done he'd be his usual bright cheery self acting like he didn't just make you cry from his pretty voice

wonsang 100% gonna write an admiration song about you like he did with holly LMAO and would poke fun at your habits or your relationship together, would prob sound like an anime opening too CAUSE HES WONSANG <//3 (my bias rly showing through damn why do i have so many thoughts abt this) but knowing how many songs he writes he'd prob have a range as well with some sadder or just more emotional romantic songs

gwangil is gonna write you the cutest and most heartwarming song ever just like his song would you dance with me !! i feel like hes really into the bright and fun side of love and while his voice is rly suited for slower softer songs, he would want to make you smile with his song, not cry so he'd stray away from that vibe skdjks

man i rly love them so much 💔💔💔 lucy are the best !!

Hi :3

Seeing the photos from their schedules really made it hit home that he isn't there. Stoppp it hadn't even occurred to me that we won't be getting ot4 comeback for a while. I do hope that Wonsang goes soon, but you're right he's probably busy working on stuff that they can put out while he's gone. That would make most sense anyway. I think he'd maybe go around Dec/early next year? I'd imagine they'd want him to be there for award show season if they perform and then he'd go after that? I really hope Yechan and Sangyeop put out music or at least just do schedules while the others are away. Alot of the videos that I had seen when villain came out were just Yechan and Sangyeop, so I wasn't sure if that was them preparing us for how it will be over the next couple of years lol. I think they'll continue to thrive even as a duo, isn't N.Flying still doing well despite being down 3 members? (I haven't kept up to date with them, so I genuinely don't know. All I know is Seunghyub has been in a couple of dramas lol)

I do think we'll get another cb before Wonsang goes! Wasn't boogie man released in Dec? Maybe they'll do another one then?

Yes!! Yechan would definitely have classical or Ghibli vibes in his song! All I can think of is my warm loneliness with it's soft sound and beautiful violin solo in the middle of it. I agree, I think it would be super emotional but also really cute, I think I'd cry if he wrote me a song ahaha. I think Yechan may regret taking requests lol, I definitely would have a few

Sangyeop would be such a menace, writing such an emotional song that makes you bawl and then he'd probably have the audacity to tease you for crying after. I think his would definitely be acoustic (so that you can focus on his voice more) . I think the lyrics would be so beautiful, I NEED him to write me a song lol. I would cry if there was a key change in it, I am a sucker for a key change

Wonsang's song for Holly was so cute oh my goodness. Another song like domino would be so funny. It's such a funny song, especially with the intro ahaha. Maybe he would put funny sound bites from videos of you both in the intro, from clips of you doing the most stupid things (but he finds it endearing because he is so in love with you). Oh and the bit between the verse and chorus could be him listening off things that he loves about you (in his really cute voice 🥺)

I feel like Gwangil would write such a goofy song. I definitely think he would be able to write a really emotional song like Sangyeop, but he's not gonna show you that yet (he's waiting for the right moment because he's going to ask for your hand after, I need to stop lol). I could see it being a really cheesy song or one that's filled with stupid puns because he knows that you hate them but you love him and he's going to be annoying about it. I love how you said that he's "into the bright and fun side of love", I definitely agree with that. I agree that he wouldn't want to make you cry, I feel like his is the only one who wouldn't make you cry with his song (Wonsang wouldn't want to make you cry, but he writes such beautiful songs that I think he would do it accidentally lol)

I think I'm getting a little to in to this, I need to stop (but this will definitely be all I think about for the rest of the day lol). That was very fun to think about

How's life treating you now that it's September? Has your schedule become really busy or is it not too bad? It's definitely been weird to not be in any form of school this year, this is the first time in like 19yrs that I haven't done this (that make me feel so disgusting and old to say that ahaha). Hope you aren't too busy or overwhelmed!

[draftmare]

We had bit drama this year with the whole USDF baucher thing, but we also had girth drama this year, ugh.

It started early this year when I FINALLY got my hands on a County dressage saddle that fits both Sydney and I perfectly. The problem was that my girth from my previous County was oddly too long. Granted, the old County was on a WXW tree and Sydney really only needs a W tree, so I don’t know if that was the difference, or if it was the fact that the old County was a 2009 and this County is/was a 2021 that was being passed around as a demo. Anyway, long story short, I bought a new girth. I treated myself to a girth I had been wanting for a while, a Lemieux Gel-Tek, which is modeled after the ProLite and Fairfax girths (LeMieux is actually rather notorious for knocking off famous brands for cheaper). I had had one in brown for my string of ill fated and ill fitting brown dressage saddles, and had really liked it. This one, however, appeared to be a dud. Every time I used it, it dyed Sydney black. I reached out to the company and they told me to just condition it, and that it would eventually stop. Well, I didn’t want to wait for to eventually stop, not when it was leaching who knows what kind of chemicals on to my horse’s skin on an almost daily basis, and she already has a type of cancer and a couple of sarcoids to boot.

I bought a Professional Choice Ventech girth, but this time with fleece, I say this time with fleece because the girth I used for my old County was the exact same girth, just a 32 inch, and with neoprene. Something about it being shorter just made it not sit right on her though, but I held on to it because I knew in my head that we had been using this brand and style of YEARS without issue. We will come back to this thought in a minute.

Next up on the try list was a WOW brand H-girth. I did some pretty extensive research about these girths, and how they were well suited to horses with Sydney’s conformation: big belly, forward girth groove, saddle needs to be kept back despite gravity saying it should go forward. The only thing I kept seeing was that these girths were more meant for the WOW saddles, which all come equipped with a point billet, which I mean, makes sense considering they are made by WOW. My saddle does not have a point billet, both billets come straight down off the tree, which works much better for Sydney because the saddle isn’t being pulled forward into her shoulder. One of the other riders at the barn has one of these girths, so I got to try it for a couple of rides, and then further internet sleuthing assured me that there are people that use them on saddles without a point billet.

Did it work? Sorta… Was it ideal? Not really. The straps kind of angled back towards each other because of how my billets are. Even though WOW says these can be used on saddles without a point billet, the spacing makes it really hard. We used this most of the summer until I started to notice that she was getting some rubs between the straps as her winter coat was coming in. This to me indicated that she was likely getting rubbed all the time, it was just now her coat was long enough to make it obvious.

So, I swapped her to the Professional Choice Ventech girth, and she promptly got a girth gall. I was MORTIFIED. I have never felt so horrible. Thankfully, I wasn’t on some 5 hour long trail ride, or anything like that. She got a week off for it to heal, then swapped back to the WOW girth while trainer and I pondered what to do. We didn’t really come up with any solutions other than to keep riding in the WOW girth for the time being while I scoured the internet for information.

This past week the saddle fitter came out, and I grilled her for solutions. Side note, OMG did getting my saddle flocked make a huge difference. I could feel it sitting differently with more wool in there. I wish I had been a little more insistent on her coming out sooner. I can also now toss the fluffy half pad and go back to my ProLite half pad, which feels so much nicer under my butt.

Fitters suggestion was the Total Saddle Fit StretchTec girth. It’s an interesting design, meant to be anatomical as well as move with the horse as their body expands and contracts during different points of a ride. I didn’t really want to spend full price on yet ANOTHER girth this year (are we keeping count?), but thankfully there are a ton of these available used (which may or may not be concerning), it was just a matter of finding the right size and color at a price I was willing to pay. This ended up giving me my first experience with buying from the TackTack app. Everything went smoothly, and I ended up with a basically new girth for a song.

I had my first ride in it today, and so far it seems to tick all of the boxes. No rubs, allows the billets to hang straight down, and fits her well. Time will tell if this ends up being our ultimate winner. I am crossing my fingers because I have no idea where I would go next.

[cerealmonster15]

okay. OKAY. ok. um. exposing my lore. also SORRY i rarely use color these days bc ive never had a good grasp on it so it’s just. very rough ideas here. a concept if u will.

anyway lore under the cut bc it’s long and all over the place and i do not expect anyone to have the patience LOL but it will be here. for ME. 😌

FOR THE RECORD before there was really an english twst fandom anywhere, i just had my friend in discord as we dove into translations off of youtube early on. these characters kinda were born from discord ramblings and goofy inside joke doodling BUT now im going. to share or whatever. i mentioned these two here but ill probs cover all that again here as i will try to be thorough!!!

anyway i have to give backstory in like 2 sections first. these guys [if u dont care then skip to the bullets for the actual character lore/story summaries], their main purpose for existence is CATERELLA soap opera drama. WHAT is caterella you might ask??? some people in the fanbase either headcanon or theorize or au-ify cater as being in a cinderella storyline bc he’s got the 2 pushy older sisters and kind of a more solemn side he hides while trying to be all upbeat around others yadda yadda. i thought that was FUN. i have. so many different branches of caterella aus/concepts involving other potential cater ships lol, but this is the only oc route. i have a really big web of all those potential ideas but it’s VERY erratic and would be a monster of a thing to show anyone. also it’s embarrassing LOL so it stays in discord. for now.

ANYWAY. first we have CHAR (left). He’s very loosely based off prince charming from cinderella. a friendly guy, in line for the throne or whatever, and I think a third year at RSA. He’s long lost childhood friends with CATER from when they were like, five years old or something, but lost contact when cater had to move away because of his dad’s work.

Canonically, Cater has said he’s had to move around every two years or so because of his dad’s job (i think he’s a banker or something? i dont remember exactly tho). Because of this, cater’s mentioned a lot that he’s not really had childhood friends that he grew up with, like how trey, riddle, and chenya have each other.

a while ago on twitter (or pixiv? idr) when i was scrounging for fanart, I came across fanart of cater and some RSA guy smiling and waving to him, and cater looked kinda like, surprised and startled?

now this was like a Year Ago and I can’t remember how much of it was in the image vs how much came from my inference vs how much i came up with later on my own -  according to my discord rambles, adeuce were in that pic in the background going :0, and it looked like they were in town shopping or something and had run into this guy. i feel like i either got the impression from the post that cater knew the guy and he was recognizing and happy to see cater, and cater was either like “uhh who r u” or “oh, uh, nice to see you too what a surprise??” and i was like oooo maybe hes a childhood friend. idr if the post or his design specified he was prince charming or if i did that myself to fit caterella better. i do not remember what the guy looked like in the post lol.

ANYWAY  from there i pretty much took off running with the concept of cater having a childhood friend that had a crush on him and then was all sad when he moved away, only to run into him year’s later on sage’s island when he was in town shopping and cater was out with ace and deuce.

here r some forbidden doodles from forever ago lol

ACE JUMPSCARE!!! anyway. not important. we’ll come back to this later!!

oh also his name LOL. since he was from prince charming i was looking up names that mean charming lol, and then i found this

and i thought yknow what. if snow white is allowed to be given a name like neigie leblanche, or VIL for the EVIL QUEEN,  i should be allowed prince char for prince charming klfjdsf

OKAY moving on FOR NOW to. lol. Dañarte. like i mentioned in the other post, that very much Is Not A Name and was kind of just a joke at first bc of my typo getting autocorrected.

sorry it’s BLURRY anyway he spawned into existance a few months later when i was trying to say fanart and autocorrect said Dañarte. which is just spanish for harm you. this was maybe while i was tyring to think of a name for char, my friend said it sounded like a fancy prince name, i looked up the meaning, my friend was like oh god it’s a threat, i remembered hans from frozen existed, and then that catrella line grew more branches. he eventually ended up in the role of char’s cousin and a second year[we’ll come back to that]. since hans had that whole thing of i think he was like one of 7 brothers or something he was all huffy about not having a place to rule of his own or whatever?? i was like hmm maybe he’s all jealous that his cousin’s in line for whatever throne they’re a royal family for 🤔 which flkjdslf yeah kinda ended up sounding like leona LOL dont worry about it that’s not the POINT the point is SOAP OPERA ROMANCE DRAMA!!!!

anyway. god this is already so much and i’ve barely gotten into it LOL UM... according to discord here’s a rundown of what my initial thoughts with char were:

rsa and nrc are having a mixer party thingy [hosted at RSA] and cater’s talking about how GRAMMABLE it’ll be and that he wants to find a fun outfit

he jokes(?) “oh maybe i’ll finally find my prince charming there lol~ since no one here appreciates caycay’s charm 😔”

riddle’s like 😒yea yea cater please pull your head out of the clouds and take the first years to town so you guys can do the shopping for the next unbirthday party

big brother caycay takes adeuce and probably other npcs off to do the shopping list stuff

MEANWHILE!!! at RSA, Char is hanging out with BESTIE CHENYA and talking about the mixer with nrc. chenya mentions he’s got some friends at NRC and pulls up magicam to show char some IMAGES- specifically he goes to CATER’S magicam bc riddle didnt really use magicam except that one time he made an acct to help cater study [ft in riddle’s dorm uniform story ❤] and idk trey probs doesnt post much besides maybe baking pics, dont worry about it, the important thing is that he pulls up a selfie caycay took with the heartslabyul family

[chenya voice] those are my childhood besties, trey and riddle, those are their funny little sons ace and deuce, and that one in the middle is cater, he’s fun too-

[char voice]  !!! the one with orange hair you said is cater? not cater diamond, is it????

chenya goes back to the main profile page and is like ya it says his last name’s diamond

char’s all 😳 and tells chenya he knows cater, because the two of them were childhood friends!! and wonders if he’ll see cater at the mixer....

chenya goes “oooo or we could go see him right now nyahahaha” bc BOOM cater JUST posted a selfie 15 seconds ago with his adeuce sons out shopping in town!!!!

they zoom to town, chenya jumpscares his pals bc it’s the law 😌 and then char comes up to cater and is like “it’s been so long cater!!! do you remember me??” and caters like 🤔 who’s this pretty boy talking to me 🤔

said pretty boy’s like “I’m char!!! we used to play together all the time when we were little!!! but then you had to move away 🥺“ and cater’s like “....hmmm.... i do that a lot- OH!!!!! I remember now!!! wow, let’s take a reunion selfie 🤗” and they do, it’s cute.

char’s like “haha glad you remember! we were each other’s first kiss after all 😌” and caters like UM 😳 and adeuce are watching like 😯😯 and chenyas 👀

and it’s just something goofy, char’s like “yea we were like five and we had a wedding on the playground and you kissed me 😊 and then we promised to get married for real when we were old enough hahaha” [<- partially inspired by my mother telling me when i was like 2 i ‘married’ my bestie on the playground. i have no memory of this but jklsdfsd ANYWAY]

cater’s all “ahahaaaa omg that’s sooo embarrassing i cant believe you remember that!!!” and char says something like “oh yea of course I do! i had like the biggest crush on you back then and i was soooo sad when you moved away forever 🥺” and caters like oh, ummmmm 👍

still they exchange magicams/numbers/whatever and go about their business with adeuce pestering cater for the rest of the trip like the nosy little brothers they are

fast forward to heartslabyul returning to the dorm and ace [like in the doodle up there ^ lol] LOUDLY barges in shouting something like “CATER HAS A BOOOOOOOOOOYYYYFRIIIIEEEEEEENDDDDDDDD!!!!!!” and cater’s all flustered and swatting at him like ace!!! no!!!! 😤😤

riddle n trey are just ?????? confused

cater’s just like “we just ran into an old friend of mine who goes to RSA now, and he asked me to be his date to the mixer, that’s all!!!!”

juice is just like “👀diamond senpai is this the Prince Charming™ you were talking about 👀” and caters like “🤔 i was totes kidding before but this totally does feel like something ROMANTIC out of a fairytale doesn’t it? haha how fun~”

POTENTIAL AU ALTERNATE BRANCH: for some maybe light angst, a potential trey route, trey’s either quietly listening like oh.... 💔💔💔 bc secretly HE had wanted to ask cater to be his date to the mixer. OR maybe he’s feeling some sadness but isnt sure why, talks to riddle alone later about it and is all “idk what it is with me, i guess i just assumed cater would be with us at the event like the three of us usually are, but i guess... he will be busy if he has a date....” and riddle has NO romance experience in his LIFE so hes just like “hmm yes i suppose it will be different to be at an event without cater constantly at our sides, but i am sure he will still hunt us down for his ‘memories’ to take pictures of, like always 😌“ and they just kinda laugh it off for the time being. but then cater’s texting this boy more and trey’s getting increasingly more restless and coming to terms w/the fact that hes PINING after his BESTIE!!! it’s ok in this branch they would be endgame sorry char

i also had a side note of other alternative branches for vil and malleus being the endgame, like aduece gossip about cater to the first year group and somehow it makes it back to them via epel or sebek. tho vil doesnt get the full story at first and just hears some pretty rsa guy asked cater out  to the mixer and hes like “was it neige 😠😒” but anyway this aint about these guys those are just. some of many caterella alts. not even all the alts are char related LOL anyway

so that’s as far as I had for that specific concept before Dañarte spawned.  heres another doodle of them

ok onto evil cousin guy!!

Dañarte starts as an RSA guy but eventually will change to NRC, mirroring how hans was like ‘ooo im a nice charming prince u can trust me’ and then went all jk im a villain bye

cousin to char, second year, they more or less maybe grew up together but Dañarte never met cater or if he did it wasnt often so they wouldnt remember or know each other

Dañarte  and cater meet either at the aforementioned mixer or just at RSA if cater’s over there hanging out with Char and catching up

Dañarte is all charming and sparkly like most RSA students so he and Cater hit it off real fast 😉✨ and Char’s like, oh, uhhh, ok 😅??

cater either doesnt know Char’s interested in him again or he’s just not sure what to make of it, Dañarte does know Char’s into Cater and deliberately steals him away bc he resents his cousin. petty teenager drama lol

so ya potential route, Dañarte ends up dating cater for a while. but then [VAGUE SITUATIONS] occur and they have relationship problems and break up, leaving caycay HEARTBROKEN

WHICH!! could lead to more au branching LOL for who potentially is the one to try and heal caycay’s heart, mainly either Char, Trey, or.... SURPRISE, IDIA!!! (also i guess i mentioned vil and malleus earlier lol, all these au ideas came over the course of many months so i tended to forget details 😌)

i hear you going “what? huh?? when did idia get here!???!?!?!” shh. shhh. this post required me, forced my hand even, to ramble about all my aus/unposted fanfiction lol. i do have some mini fanfiction about the idia route that never left discord bc it’s so au specific hehehe but anyway, idia right?

ok taking a break from bullets while we detour here. so back when i was looking for names for char, i found another name meaning charming: eppa! it was cute 😌 this part spawned from more discord glitching and my friend’s idea from there- that eppa is just a fake name that IDIA is using to talk to cater on magicam or whatever bc he’s shy and hiding behind a fake prince charming [prince eppa of rsa!!] persona. this could just be a branch on its own w/o those dudes up there^ OR as I mentioned, he could be an alternative person for caycay to end up with after getting his heart broken. I wrote a little bit of unpublished fic and have a few doodles that follow this storyline lol, but we’ll get back to that later maybe.

ok but basically things could end there OR another bonus for MORE soap opera drama: for whatever reason that i never came up with, Dañarte gets KICKED OUT OF RSA!!!! or just transfers for some reason idk.

i debated on having him in scarabia or pomefiore, but ultimately went with scarabia, and here’s why I said he’d probably be a second year lol

because now he’s with kalim and jamil!!! at first kalim’s like “oh!!! a new friend nice to meet you!!!” but then quickly discovers at pop music club that this is in fact the same Dañarte that cater dated and broke his heart!!! oh no!!!

and cater’s like oh god!! my ex goes to school here now!! FUCK!!

but never fear. he claims he’s turned over a new leaf. that he will be civil. he just wants to start over and be a good boy 😌

cater is hesitant, but doesn’t wanna make a fuss. kalim wants to believe in the good in everyone and wants to give him a chance. and JAMIL who is ALSO HERE bc scarabia, does NOT trust this guy and does NOT want to leave him around kalim alone so he’s making an effort to be around the two of them a lot

basically jamil and Dañarte kinda suss each other out pretty fast as being people who hide their true intentions well under a facade of being polite and agreeable. idk if he’d show up pre or post overblot tho

so he spends a loooot of time with kalim and by extension jamil. and he’s also hovering around cater a lot

circling back to the idia thing lol, in some of the little fics i wrote for this au, i had written from i think idia’s pov and it was snippets that were basically:

idia likes cater, azul likes jamil [lol surprise they showed up in this eventually] and theyre board game buddies that kinda poke at each other about it. idia’s talking to cater behind the prince eppa account, and azul’s the only one that knows the secret. idia and cater bond via the account, idia learns more about cater’s melancholic side, they get really close, convince each other to go to class more in solidarity, cater sometimes vents to ‘eppa’ about the problems he’s having with his BOYFRIEND Dañarte... but idia is there to support caycay bc he’s SPECIAL <3 anyway then cater and Dañarte break up, idia and azul bully each other about how they’re afraid of making a move, blah blah blah. eventually cater’s gossiping to idia in class about how azul asked jamil on a date [i made a specific ref to my fic that i DID publish, Fake It Til We Make It 😌 but that’s not importantdsjlfd], the topic of valentine’s day comes up, cater mentions boohoo caycay is single on valentines day again... and idia has worked up the courage to invite cater to ignihyde’s movie night! hooray bonding irl and not behind the eppa mask!!! ohh but then. fast forward a little? cater’s talking to idia, hes like wow u and i have gotten closer lately, can i talk to u about something personal? u see... my ex asked me out. and i said id think about it 😔 cue heartbreak for idia again!! idia goes to board game club SAD. azul is also there and is like “oh sulking solidarity? i gotchu bro. jamil dumped me :’)” and idia’s like uhhhh fuck azul looks like he’s trying not to cry... wanna play VR games so we can escape reality... and they do 😌

^that’s where the written part ended. i have a doodle somewhere of like. even more soap opera drama. like i think Dañarte had asked cater out and cater was gonna give him a chance, but then ohhh noo guess what? cater’s telling pop music club.... and he’s like “ya Dañarte asked me out again-” and kalim FREEZES. hes like WAIT WHAT. WHAT. OH NO. bc uhhh turns out!!! Dañarte also just asked jamil out. WHAT THE!!! and the only reason jamil said YES(OH NO!!!) was bc he was sulking about his break up with azul 😔 a situation of jamil and azul fighting, breaking up, but still really really missing each other wahhhh making bad choicesssss

i dont think i ever went past there LOL but in my head and heart, that specific branch would have to be a happy ending for idia/cater and jamil/azul, Dañarte is simply there to cause problems on purpose

i also had a side reason, like a bonus for Dañarte’s motives (he’s not that deep a character lol this is mostly just goofs and giggles here) hes basically like “grr i resent my cousin so im going to do everything i can to sabotage his happiness. just because i guess. also maybe i should just become famous on the internet MYSELF since i cant be a cool royal, ill just use my title and charisma, and ill steal the fans of popular people like neige and vil - ooh looks like my dumb cousin’s crush is a fan of them both, excellent. hmm so is this rook person what- oh god no he’s weird and scary i’ll stick to terrorizing cater. anyway-” but i kinda didn’t stick with the magicam thing lol. just like a potential extra bit.

wait i found a snippet ^ from discord im just gonna copy/paste bc im getting lazy

‘ I have a scene in my head of pop music club going to do a small performance sometime after dañarte transferred to scarabia , and Kalim is torn bc on one hand he’s the housewarden and must make everyone feel welcome! But I’m the other hand that’s caters mean ex  but on the other hand again he seems so nice and apologetic   what do I do!! So Kalim ends up coming up to cater right before their performance and is like “ummmmm don’t be mad but I kind of invited dañarte ” and caters like KALIM WHY  and kalims like IM SORRY HE SEEMED SO SAD AND REALLY WANTED TO SEE YOU PLAY They’re loudly stressing out off in the corner, meanwhile dañarte  is wandering around the audience with Jamil like fellow scarabia buddy I hope u don’t mind if I hang around u Jamils like  whatever but we have to sit… waaaaay over here, bc he saw tako and idia and he’s still in his awkward confusing feelings heartbreak stage with azul, And azul+ idia are at the show together just In Distresss'

okokok uhhhhh i  think ive done enough talking wanna see more doodles and erratic notes

char and caycay reunited!!! char didnt actually end up getting much spotlight LOL he doesn’t have a lot of personality aside from Sweet Gentle Puppy. sorry bestie you got sidelined for drama jklfdskfl

#notatako is a side joke w/my friend ignore that kldfjdls but. caycay seeing pretty man Dañarte  but hasnt met him yet

Dañarte   jumpscare, looming over char’s phone when char’s just met back up with cater and has been Texting Him A Lot but hasnt invited him over yet

the boys being exes or something, and me trying to figure out what dorm he’d be in

doodle from when i brielfy forgot  Dañarte was supposed to start at RSA lol, here’s him and jamil if they’d met as first years before jamil’s intentions were revealed with his overblot

Dañarte grumbling evilly to himself at RSA and getting chenya jumpscared -> caycay and the boys!!!

this is what it looked like when i tried to timeline plot some story ages ago LOL, ft silly little lad faces, an illustrated journey

[idk if u can read that maybe if u full view the image lol] basically this is the scene of jamil and azul having newly broken up and being all sad about it, Dañarte is all “hehehe give me a chance jamil we could be so great together” and jamil, who normally just ignores Dañarte and doesn’t fall for his FALSE CHARM, is at a WEAKER LOW POINT bc he REALLY MISSES AZUL but he doesnt wanna ADMIT that he misses azul, and now Dañarte just sounded Just Like Azul, and he’s just asked jamil out, and azul is Right There Looking At Jamil bc he was walking by and heard Dañarte ask him out... jamil’s like 😔fine sure whatever 😔 and azuls like ..... 💔💔💔

SAD! anyway, jsdlfjkds. sorry caycay jamil and azul got shoved into ur soap opera. it’s fine. jamil/azul would make up with each other eventually somehow. cater would find Real Love elsewhere. IT’S FINE!! no perma angst in my house ALLOWED!!! but it’s fun to play with. temporarily.

i thought i had a doodle somewhere of kalim going 0_0 when jamil told kalim that  Dañarte  asked him out, right after cater just told kalim the same [or vice versa idr] but i CANT FIND IT!!! it’s not important tho it’s literally Just That lol. i think. 🤔

anyway. dear lord. i doubt anyone is going to read all of this LOL, maybe skimming or skipping around if im lucky 🧡 those are my like, ‘canon compliant’ twst ocs i guess. something like that. the only other twst related ocs i have [FOR NOW]  are fankids my friend and i made of ships for funsies flkdsjfl okay. thank u for reading.  if anyone did LOL if i were you i’d just look at the pictures and live with being confused 🧡

OK THANKS BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[what-the-hayl]

It's been a minute.

I started a new job, and i love it. I feel like when i spent months and months searching for a job it was always in the back of my head that this headache would go away with a great opportunity, i just have to be patient. I work with all guys of all ages, no drama!!! The job is SO physical which i also love, keep my self moving everyday again.

I am sitting at 144 days no alcohol, thats cool. I told myself i could have a drink today if i wanted, i went to lunch with my best friend so i told her i was gonna have a drink and it would be our secret. I had a pep talk while getting ready today. If i wanted to get drunk today i could, if i wanted to have a drink or 3 --i could. I'm really practicing not letting the opinion of my family get to me anymore, and to stand for myself. Always.

But, anyways we went to lunch, i had already forgot i had toold myself that i was allowing myself a drink today, lol. Lately, ive been going out and sometimes ill get a non-alcoholic beer, and so far i dont miss it, the carbonation or something... i was looking at the drink menu and said maybe ill just go balls to the wall and get a rum n coke.. lol. My goal today was to taste liquor and see what kinda reaction or taste i get from it. After looking at the menu for a min--i decided im not gonna get a drink cause i have set myself this goal and i want to achive it, i feel ONE cheat drink wouldnt count anyways.. i said "im not getting a drink today, nothing is screaming at me to have, if im gonna have a cheat drink i want it to be something different, new and something damn good.

I'm proud of myself, its so crazy what such little time with a disciplined mind can achieve. I've come so far, and im so excited to see what successes i gain by the end of the year.

I'm currently down 43lbs as well, im excited but i already knew i could do this weight loss thing again. I'm not turning back around this time though, so this go around is gonna be one for the books.

Relationships with my parents is growing stronger, by the day. Which is neat, dad came out and smoked with me one night. I felt a big wave of energy shift away from me, like something reminding me its okay, and everything is going to be okay.

We are working on getting my custody back with little man, i thought id never see the day, but id be damned to be "one of those moms" im waaaay better than that.

Ive been gaining relationships and conversations with my co-workers at work. My boss is a real dope dude, but he has gotten in to opening up and talkiing about hiss past addiction problems and how hes over come and hes doing well in life now, and thats really cool. Motivating.

Life's what you make it, so make it great!

If no ones told you today,

im proud of you.

[my-gf-is-kazuichi-soda]

Still in the middle of D3 so no spoilers please!

Edit: I've finished D3, spoilers okay now lol

--

I dont usually make up family headcanons with same-age characters (it leaves myself more room for shipping) but for some reason I came up with three of them here. Okay I just realized the first one theyre not same age but, uh, anyway!

Ryoma is Hiyoko's uncle. I dont have much of an explanation for this. At first I thought it would be a funny idea if Ryoma was Hiyoko's dad but then I realized that Hiyoko's dad goes to all her dance recitals while Ryoma's been in jail for a while, so that makes it kind of impossible. Just a silly idea.

Kazuichi is Kaito's younger cousin (idk what the timeline is for D3 compared to the other games yet, and I know often times this class is headcanoned as younger than the D2 class, but this is all in an au anyway). They're same-voice actor cousins. Kaito gave Kazuichi the idea to build a rocket engine, maybe they watched alien movies together when they were little. Kaito hasn't seen Kazuichi since she was still in her booknerd phase, so Kaito would laugh a lot if you told him that his nervous, fidgety cousin went through a "scary punk phase." Have an idea for a short fanfic where he calls and says he's coming to visit her again and she's mid-transition at this point and unsure about coming out to him - I think he'd be cool with it. He'd possibly confuse trans with drag at first but he would be supportive and say that he's glad to see Kazuichi gain some confidence and self-esteem "even if you're still a bit fidgety" (Kaito that's not from being afraid that's just the adhd). Also Kaito and Zoey get along alright.

Nagito is Kokichi's older brother. (potential ableism trigger warning, also a warning for that sibling dynamic where one kid is neglected for the sick/disabled kid). There's angst potential as well as funny potential. This is more subject to change since there's a lot I still dont know about Kokichi, but from what I can tell he's a manipulative liar always making scenes to get attention and even though some of the fandom says he is "a normal person faking mental illness," I dont buy it. Maybe he's faking something, but he definitely has something too. Not sure if this is a controversial opinion, but I believe that people who fake mental illnesses (to this degree at least) are not neurotypical, it's a cry for help and they do need something, so they shouldn't be brushed off as just "ableist assholes" because there is something going on, though on the flip side it is not the job of other mentally ill people to coddle their feelings when that person is being ableist.

I think Kokichi also went through some trauma, like something happened with his family that made him have to attend court sessions (he said in the first trial that he had to go to trials all the time a long time ago "for his crimes as an Ultimate Supreme Leader" but I think that's Kokichi-talk for "he was a little kid and had to sit in trials for some family drama and the adults constantly blamed him for problems that weren't his fault," which is why he plays up this sort of misbehaving bad kid role). Anyway, my ansty hcs is that Kokichi was neglected because his parents focused on Nagito's illnesses, and that's part of why he acts up to get attention. He has some resentment for that but blames his parents more than Nagito and he and Nagito have the type of sibling relationship where they're sometimes on good terms and sometimes can't stand each other. They've thrown some shade at each other but Kokichi really knows how to piss off Nagito and is not afraid to bring up "hope" to mess with his head (though if anyone else did this they would suffer Kokichi's wrath, as far as he's concerned he's the only one allowed to pick on Nagito). Nagito thinks he goes easy on Kokichi when they fight but he can be petty and sassy back and has a lot of embarrassing dirt on Kokichi. They're the kind of brothers that will pester and argue with each other but they'll bury the dead body for the other no questions asked. And Lord help you if they're in the same courtroom, they could find the dumbest little things to bicker with each other about and filibuster the case, but also Nagito will totally back up Kokichi's lies and vise-versa. Whatever creates bigger hell at the moment for the player. It was a mercy they weren't in the same game.

Anyway, since I haven't finished the game yet there's probably-definitely stuff I dont know about these characters but I got excited to share this with you.

[stephlynndrawings]

fulfillment of a prompt given over on @nirnwrote's discord server "I'll stay as long as you need." (I didn't end up taking this as a trauma prompt but i still like how it turned out)

It was months after the twins reunited and parted ways when Elruin got a letter from the Temple of Kynareth saying that her sister had turned up at the gates of the city burning hot with fever and that while they could get her healed, the bosmer refused treatment without her Dragonborn sister there. 

As she got ready to travel from her home in Falkreath, Elruin thought her sister’s attitude about it ridiculous. She had no idea what possessed her sister to demand the temple send for her when they were more than capable of healing her just fine, but she would go anyway.

Revyn watched her rummage through her pack, eating the breakfast they both had made for themselves and their kids before the letter came, “Are you sure about this, Love? You don’t owe her anything.” The Brunette sighed, “I know, but Elegrin never liked being sick. Plus, when we last saw each other, she seemed to want to make things right between us. I should at least try.” She smiled weakly. She stood up and slung her pack on her back, ready to head out. Before she could get to the entryway, her children came running to her with drawings in their hands.

“Give these to Auntie El for us Mama!” Lucia pleaded, her chocolatey brown eyes wide and pleading. 

Elruin couldn’t deny them such a request and after carefully -”So they don’t tear, Ma!”- putting them in her bag, she was off and riding the carriage to the walled city. 

Little under six hours of heavy thought passed and Elruin soon strolled through the gates of Whiterun in the mid evening. The citizens who knew her waved but otherwise she wasn’t delayed to her arrival at the temple, her presence being noticed by one of the healers, Danica Pure-Spring. 

“Ah, my Thane, are you here to see your sister?” She asked as she approached. She wiped her hands on her yellow robes, a kind smile on her face. 

The dragonborn nodded and smiled in return, “Yes I am, sorry I couldn’t get here earlier.” She replied, her smile turning sheepish. 

“It’s no problem, we’ve been keeping her as comfortable as possible though her illness has gotten more severe since we sent word to you.” She  explained as she guided the bosmer through the temple and to a private room. There on the bed, in leather armor, laid Elegrin. Her eyes were shut tight as she grimaced, her face flushed and sweaty. 

“What does she have? The letter doesn’t say.” “Bone break fever. We wanted to start healing her the moment she was brought to us, but she was very adamant that she wanted you here. You know, until she said who her sister was, I had been under the impression that you had no siblings.” Danica said, chattering on as she changed the cloth on the afflicted bosmer’s forehead. 

Elruin sighed and pulled a chair up to her sister’s side, carefully grabbing a pale and clammy hand, well aware of the fact that every inch of her twin’s body would be in agony. 

“We’re twins, actually. But we have been apart for far too long.” She explained carefully, not wanting to delve into her complicated past with her sister. 

The blonde on the bed seemed to notice her sister’s arrival and cracked an eye open, her eyes glassy and unfocused, “Rumi?” She croaked.

The younger sister’s face softened at the long forgotten nickname, grasping the hand in hers just a bit tighter, “I’m here, and I’ll stay as long as you need. Sound good?” She asked. She knew how much her sister feared going to healers. She also wanted her sister to know that she would be willing to try and make amends and grow closer, setting aside their childhood drama.

Elegrin hummed in agreement before a tear slipped down her face, understanding the hidden message loud and clear, “Sounds good.”

As Danica started to start the spell, Elruin pulled out the drawings the children had done, holding them for her sister to see, “When Lucia and Blaise heard you were sick, they rushed off during breakfast to make these for you. Just know that you are more important than lavender honey bread.” 

Although the spell was lessening the illness, Elegrin still sounded choked up as she gazed at the pictures her niece and nephew drew for her, “I’m honored.”

[thenonconformistcurmudgeon]

In A Galaxy, Far, Far Away

I grew up in the 60’s and 70’s.  It was a time of societal tumult, assassinations, Vietnam, protest marches, long hair, bad fashion choices, emerging gay rights, women’s liberation, the civil rights movements, garbage strikes, teacher strikes, violence, racism, graffiti, and no eye contact in the NY subway.  I observed societal turbulence but also lived with maelstrom in the home and in my spirit.     

My mother had a mental illness, now known as a behavior health disorder or brain disease. All of these terms seem so vague and empty. She had hallucinations and delusions. The voices told her things to be wary of, plots against her and her family. She received special messages from the radio from disc jockeys on WNEW AM, a station that played crooners like Sinatra, Martin, Como, Davis.  The rat pack of the sixties became incorporated into her delusions.  Sinatra was supposed to give her a million dollars but she did something wrong and the rat pack would then give the money to her sister instead.  The money appeared to go up with inflation, eventually cresting at 40 million. 

I had to listen to this lunacy near daily when she was ill.  We lived in a small home and until a much older brother moved out, I had to sleep in my parent’s bedroom for many years and would listen in the middle of the night while my father desperately tried to use logic to convince my mother of the fallacy of her ideas.  Sometimes she would be up all night, acting as a bandleader to music she only heard. 

When I would go visit my grandparents, my mother would tell me not to eat anything because it might be poisoned.  I ate anyway, mostly knowing the food was not poisoned but having a bit of lingering doubt.  My mother would check my hairline when I came back, fearing some type of poison was put in the hair to make my hair fall out.  She loved my hair and so did I.

She would write letters to the disc jockeys, William B. Williams and Julius DeRosa, names I will always remember, to assist in her getting her rightful due from the rat pack and asked me to mail the letters.  Sometimes I would, sometimes I ripped them up.  It didn’t seem to matter one way or the other.

I never knew what I would experience when I returned home from school and could not bring friends home when she was ill as she was an embarrassment.  There was an ornamental carving over the front door and I thought it showed the house was cursed.  If I could take it off, perhaps in a way like the story of the blood over the door in the Passover story, God would pass over this house and the curse would be lifted.

There was a period of time when she used alcohol to control the hallucinations and simply knock herself out.  When my mother was falling down drunk, my father would be enraged when he returned home from work and there would be a big scene that would play out the same way in which the bottle of alcohol would have to be found and the remaining contents spilled out.  Sometimes I took it upon myself to find it, spill it out, and tell my father on his return home in order to avoid the loud tumultuous drama.  Sometimes, I would take care of the bottle but also sober my mother up, make dinner for the family, and pull it off so that my father never knew she had been drunk.  Difficult choices made on the spot, a skill that can be useful but also a very lonely one.

There were episodes of high drama.  My mother had to be hospitalized against her will numerously.  The police would be called to literally take her away.  I remember hearing the walkie talkies and the sounds of the cops while I was in bed, and those sounds have reverberated for the rest of my life.  Although extremely disturbed one time, she made an excuse to the cops to see me.  She said she had to lay out my clothes for my day but I was too old for needing that.  It was a way for her to kiss me goodbye as she knew it would be a long time before she would see me again.  I pretended to be asleep while she kissed me and she said her goodbye’s.  She knew I wasn’t really asleep.  I thought if I pretended to be asleep, maybe I’d actually be asleep and then when awoke, none of the events would have happened, but they did.

There was the time she nearly starved to death because she thought the food was poisoned.  My father, a brother and I went to visit her in a state hospital and she still hadn’t eaten.  The state hospital in the 60’s or early 70’s was as frightening as you would expect it to be.  Dark, massive open space with little furniture with Zombie people pacing, some clutching dolls, none of who would converse with each other.  Staff were nowhere to be seen in this massive room.  We were sitting at a table and I started to cry seeing my mother desiccated and shriveled up to nothing.  My father stated, “see he loves you, show him you love him and eat”.  Soon after she did. 

My mother did love me and I her.  When she was well, she was loving and compassionate.  One time in Junior High I was overwhelmed during a Christmas break for failing to work on my homework till close to the end of the vacation and started to cry.  She hugged me and said to simply take it one class at a time.  The advice was good but the hug was what was most effective. 

The times of quiescence varied.  At some point, she would stop taking her medication.  At times, I tried to supervise her taking the medication and would catch her cheeking them.  I also accompanied her as a teen to a storefront clinic and tried to convince the doctor to put her on long-acting injections as I knew she would stop taking the oral medication at some point but my pleas were to no avail.  Although frustrated and angry with my mother for stopping the medication, I also understood her unwillingness.  It often caused weight gain.  Every pill was a reminder to her of a disease she denied having and was a societal stigma.  I also understood that parts of the psychosis may at times have been better than reality, as a world filled with involvement with Hollywood elite was better than her drab existence of a housewife. 

I guess I learned many useful skills through the survival of the madness.  When later in life paralyzed from a neurological illness, I borrowed some courage from my younger self to believe I could survive my medical crisis. Having faced crises alone as a child and teen, I learned to deal with what life dealt me later on oftentimes by myself.   Due to a childhood habit of having to be a lone adult, it is now only somewhat reluctantly that I can let someone inside and that I don’t have to solve all dilemmas by myself. 

One time returning from college on a break, she greeted me at the door and said loudly and with force, “Brian, you are going to lose your hair, your nose is going to grow, and penis is going to shrink.  I simply laughed and said,” It’s good to see you too ma”. 

Despite it all, our bond of mutual love was never broken.  

[so-much-nonsense]

potential

one of my niche interests is binge watching. i am almost always watching something. one point in my life i ran out of things to watch. well, not literally, obviously, but i only wanted to watch certain things i completed them. stuff i did not wanna watch very often ends up being bad and boring than not. so as my last straw i have resorted to all languages. i watch content regardless of genre, language, country, age restriction(ahem thats not to say i am not old enough). anyways, during this process kdramas stuck with me as something to watch while i go to sleep or when i dont want too much plot and worry about or even think about it. they never came across having potential to me. i know a lot of others out there would disagree with me but this is just what i feel. theyre always slow paced, very bright, when not very bright trying too hard to be too dark(and failing miserably), no plot that hooks us up. but, BUT, recently, very recently, just 2 hours ago i watched a kdrama named long time no sex. obviously started off bc of the title but god it is so good. i mean, i have only watched 2 episodes really and that is the problem. so far everything they have shown me i cannot wait another 2 days for another two episodes. basically a married couple with no kids, pretty in debit and paying off loans and interests, a couple of insurances, but live comfortably. they start blackmailing others involved in multiple relationships. now the plot might not be the most interesting one ive watched, but the way everything is portrayed bw these two main leads, is more than unique. truly there are only a handful of series or movies that show this comfortable couple dynamic interestingly and god did this drama nail it. though they were a very active couple, they just stopped having sex few months or years back unintentionally and neither of them have had a problem with it. how they never stopped loving each other even though they havent been intimate is portrayed really well. the husband is literally the greenest flag everrrr. let it be when he remembers every single detail about them from 7 years ago or when he tries hugging her and reassures her that its fine if they dont have sex, or when he talks about how having sex is not a duty for married couple and when he sees that shes actually interested he recommends trying to get in the feel by telling each other things they like about one another, every single thing he likes about her is spoken so well and it is very evident how much he loves her. whenever theres a disagreement both of them proceed to talk it out in literally less than 2 minutes. though it might not be realistic, i mean, why is it not realistic? exactly! that is what should be going on and not hours of unnecessary arguments. he is really never afraid of being "lady like" and that makes him all the more manly because he is always very thoughtful and considerate about her and deals softly. no fragile masculinity exists here. i could go on about this man but ill stop lol. i can guess what the future episodes could host but i dont want to this time. this time i just want to be intrigued by it. i cannot wait for them to start having sex again, or its ok even if they decide they are better off this way(which would be totally unexpected). ok i just said that about two characters in drama. guess whos crazy? AND, and the fucking trust they have in each other, shed trust him with her life. even though he is foolish at times she balances it out. when his car got totalled and she found out that he dint tell her she figured a way to get him money instead of getting back at him or starting a fight(not that hed let a fight sustain or theyd go on for more than a minute) bc she knew theres no point in getting upset now that the cars gone and the intention behind his lie is nothing. its almost as if they know each other and communicate. crazy right. its almost as if they love each other.

[gayyearningcrybaby]

My good cis friends 'S' birthday is coming up and I have a lot of anxiety over large gatherings and I was hyping myself up to go. She decided to have her birthday party at a popular local dive bar in the middle of 2nd highest covid peak ever- I'm like. Okay, ill feel weird, and scared, but I'll wear a mask. I'm just getting over that 100 day cough bullshit or whatever it was but I need to be a better friend I think so I'll tough it out. Then her and her boyfriend 'N' ( who is also a good friend) is like, can we invite these people from highschool you never came out to ( and it's true its my fault I put it off so long ) and he's like you can come out to them there... like. Alright. It's weird. Because this is a deeply personal thing to me- and I get that my transness, this whole, "our mutual friend you haven't seen in four years has actually been back in our lives for two and is a girl now" is on some level, inconveniencing their whole "cis party hosts" deal and whatnot. But this day should be about her. It's 'S' 's birthday. But whatever, I do respect the chaotic energy of "I'm a girl now, I'm hot, and I'm giving you no time to process this at the birthday of our friend" plan so sure. At this point the biggest deal breaker is not coming out, but instead just the risk of covid after getting over a mystery pertussis/longcovid/acuterespiratoryinfection??? (What was it? I'll never know. And neither will any doctors care enough to, either.) So I'm still coughing here and there, but really only during bedtime.

BUT IT GETS WORSE. Two weeks or so after I'm said to them "I think I can come" they text me ONE WEEK BEFORE the party starts "can we invite 'V' and 'C'?" 'V' is my cis highschool girlfriend. 'C' is her husband. 'S' and 'N' being the cis party hosts they are and want to be friendly with everyone (because they are ultimately, good people) somehow reconnected with my highschool ex while I was busy with school and they have sort of been on and off talking, being friendly. Nobody here is a bad person. Except me. I was a shithead to her (V) in highschool and it was genuinely a very dysphoric time of my life I don't even really like think about to this today- because it feels like this major cognitive dissonance between the person I am today and the person I was. Anyway- 'V' has no idea of my transition. No idea whatsoever. Suddenly that chaos of "I'm a girl now" is not enjoyable to me because I am out of this person's life. She shouldn't ever have to think about me again I shouldn't have to either. Yet S and N keep dangling this "can we invite V and her husband" over and over without any forethought for the consequences. This is the third time now I am debating bowing out because I don't want to even think about this person or see them again. Am I going to be sitting at bar with my awkward gangly trannyness ignoring a person across the room who, if they find out who I am, might have a shitty awkward mental meltdown. Then it no longer feels like situation where I'm control saying- I am queer. It took me a while, but I'm proud. Knowing V, or at least what I remember of the facsimile of person, the child she once was, (and we have all changed, myself especially) it will be a punchline to her. An awkward, funny story for her to tell at parties- my highschool boyfriend is a tranny now. With the implication she dodged some long departed bullet or that she got some last laugh- as if transness is something to laugh at for her. Maybe that's a paranoid thought- that she will react this way.

I could ask that they not invite V- which is arguably selfish and not fair to V. It could make V mad at S and ultimately cause S problems down the line.

Once again- this is S birthday party- this is her day. I feel like I'm caught in a catch 22- if I don't go- I'm being selfish- it S's big day. If I do go- the amount of social drama could result in my presence ruining random guests moods- on S's birthday party. If I do go and ask they not invite V- that would be selfish of me no matter what. I'm being given the illusion of a choice. I dont want to strain my friendship with S further- I just want to hang out in small gatherings- she wants to see all her friends together every few months at a party.

Above all, I only ever wanted to have other women friends- I barely get to hang out with S- and every time I see her I feel like she's always busy. I don't know what to do anymore- I just want her to have a normal birthday party.

[hellfireconfessions]

!!! Phen Lore Drop !!!

Jack_BadCat (me) was falsely banned by him. He was really grasping at straws just to get me out of HF entirely due to me being, and I quote… “abrasive, aggressive, rude, and seemingly instigating drama for no reason, even when situations don’t pertain to you.”

And, here, I quote, are the main reasons I got pushed into that ban:

“most of what I do is me speaking for other’s behalf not my own cuz honestly I have been treated like a queen on here (I say while my name is GREEN)” Which was partially true at the time due to how I was very good at fighting back with the staff in reports, tickets, concerns, etc. and knew the rules so well I was almost untouchable at one point.

“but the worst part is that it’s all kept quiet and makes people feel isolated and scared”

“also my 2 other warnings/mutes were both mistakes from the staff’s end but they still counted anyways”

“I had no idea a staff request to move to a different channel (ex. #suggestions-and-ideas, #reports-tickets-concern-forms) was actually "SHUT THE FRICK UP NOW AND MOVE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE OR UR GONNA GET A WARNING” (I’d like to add in between these that this was taken very out of context, the other person I was messaging said “they’re gonna get u for that” or whatever and I responded in all caps “I HOPE THEY KNOW I AM JOKING LOL” so… it was obviously satire/sarcasm??

“…did you JUST now get approved?” Which was a joking stab within context for how it took over a month to get it approved.

“Thank you for answering my questions!! NOT. Because I was skipped. But no point now I guess. 💀” And btw, I said this BEFORE I got my final warning so it wouldn’t have even counted. He had to dig that deep to find enough reasons to defend himself about it.

The thing is that… we were friends prior as well? Which made it sting even more when it came from him. For a while I believed he took it because he thought it’d lightened the blow to see a friendly/familiar face, or that he was told to do it because we were on friendly terms and just copy n pasted what someone else had written. But now looking back… nah he was just an asshole. He was very weird and usually only hung out with the girls there which were almost always minors, while being pretty distanced with members who were older/guys. It just… rubs me the wrong way on so many levels.

I was going to send all the screenshots but tumblr SUCKS with images so like…. yeah, if anything ill make a little youtube video on it if anything. (And this is me not even mentioning the whole Noodles fiasco LMAO) 

mod edit: I’ve heard 3 people talk about the girls thing and as someone who talked to him alot maybe i just dont see it since i was kinda involved, but i never pegged him as the malicious or predatory type while talking and its been years so while its good to keep that part in mind unless someone steps forward take it lightly, id take even this mod edit lightly it’s just my own observation 

[cilil]

I LOVE TALKING ABOUT THEM TOO AND YOU'RE GIVING ME FEELS😩❤️ (and also thank you for being so sweet, especially about the egg fic, it's very dear to me and one of my favorite things I've written🤗).

If I had to write Gothmog's inner monologue as he falls into that (stupid and clearly Balrog-phobic) fountain it would be "Oh no. Oh shit. Oh fuck." Which is not exactly Shakespearean tragedy material, but what I think is an in-character reaction. Because yes, in my mind he's thinking about all the people he loves and is loyal to and how they need him (not wrong) and how his mentally and physically ill Vala can't even bring him back.

The relief that he won't have to fight Eönwë now probably came as a bit of an afterthought once he was dead (assuming that slain Maiar are not immediately and not entirely dormant)/as an attempt to comfort himself. Though this also comes with the unfortunate side effect of Gothmog's Balrog siblings having to fight Eönwë, which in my headcanons has happened and he was responsible for killing at least one of them. Yet more drama.

(Though don't worry, it doesn't ruin their relationship or anything; knowing that everyone has their orders and the Balrogs would rather die than go to Valinor, Gothmog is weirdly chill about it. But Eönwë will of course assume he hates him for it and angst about it.)

Last words... oooh let me write this down. I could write about that sometime👀

And yes. Gothmog is the biggest softie with his bird boy. Always very careful not to set him on fire. Always keeping him warm. Would take him into a volcano for hibernation if Eönwë was more fireproof.

Omg wait there's asshole Eönwë fanon? The only thing I can think of is "nice guy" Eönwë in the context of Eönwë/Mairon, either doing something nasty to him post-WoW or an AU where he drags him to Valinor - not my default take, but something I certainly entertain for a fic if requested. But otherwise I thought Eönwë was in the clear... well, apparently not. Maybe he's guilty by association due to the prominent anti Valar fanon. I saw someone claiming once that he's problematic for saying a slur. Interesting claim to make about a character with one line of direct dialogue.

The weak and stupid allegations probably come from the Mairon issue as well, but like... is the narrative parallel between Melkor deceiving Manwë and Mairon deceiving Eönwë due to evil people taking advantage of the very mercy and kindness they deny others just invisible to people? I suppose themes are sometimes a bit tough to spot (though Tolkien spelled it out somewhere). But that's what it is. And I frankly think Eönwë - while he will most certainly beat himself up over this in later years - was wise not to continue the cycle of violence. Same goes for his treatment of Maedhros and Maglor. It was simply mercy. The very nature of mercy is that it's not always the smartest or most optimal thing or you get an immediate benefit from it (see also Bilbo and Frodo with Gollum: Technically it bit them in the ass to spare Gollum, but it also allowed for the One Ring to be destroyed in the end).

I also think Manwë very deliberately chose a Maia as his herald who can embody his ideals of kindness and forgiveness instead of some warmongering, vengeful spirit.

Sorry for the tangent, anyway -

A hypothetical duel between Gothmog and Eönwë would make for such a good dramatic fic. I'll write that one down as well👀

Eönwë is the kind of person you never want to be angry at you. And it's really not hard to stay on his good side, but my god, if he snaps you're in BIG TROUBLE. He's one scary raptor and he can take down prey above his pay grade too (Melkor).

As for the egg, I have this headcanon that part of the reason why it even exists is because Eönwë felt so lonely and it then came into his head that if he, you know, allowed something to come from his and Gothmog's shenanigans he would have something to love and take care of at home too, something that's entirely his own and made with love. I hope maybe Ilmarë and Arien are willing to be egg aunties and maybe contribute some sun and star fire to nurture the little phoenix Maia before they started gnawing on high kings of the Noldor (run Ara run)😌

(Same about Manwë and Melkor, also both platonic and romantic. Manwë was definitely very alone with this; normally he can tell Varda and Ulmo everything, but this they don't get.)

Hand on my heart: I have been sitting on a broad outline of an Eönwë-centric character study type long fic and one of its main themes is him struggling with his mental health. There may be some self-harm and suicidal tendencies involved. Because he blames himself for everything that went wrong and hates himself for being a warrior spirit and thinks he deserves to suffer for every single thing he did wrong. He's been spiralling ever since Gondolin and Númenor will absolutely drag him down.

Gosh I love these characters so much, thank you for letting me rant😭❤️

wait wait wait, it took me so long (i was binge-reading all your fics hehe) to realize the romeo-and-juliet type of relationship eonwe and gothmog have going on. its even better because tolkien once envisioned gothmog and eonwe to be the children of melkor and manwe so them meeting up secretly is sooooooo sweet but heartbreaking, like they are on opposite sides, and they know they'll eventually fight each other. but gothmog died first, so how did eonwe handle that. imagining him trying to live after gothmog's death is just asdkjakdakds

You're too sweet❤️❤️❤️

And yes, this is what really sucked me in too once I realized it! We (my friends and I) started out seeing Firebird as more of a crack ship or something that's maybe hot for smut, but then we realized the old Lost Tales connection and the doomed, tragic love and the parallels between them and... everything.

In a weird way, Gothmog falling in Gondolin was mercy for them both. Otherwise a confrontation during the War of Wrath would've been pretty much inevitable, especially if Gothmog had once again been ordered to go after the Elven kings (Eönwë can't just let him kill Finarfin and it's not like he's that terrible of a friend either). They would've fought each other, knowing that they have orders and that the other knows and understands this as well.

As for what the outcome of that fight would've been, I'd say 70-80% in Eönwë's favor, with this being a sort of average between "they duel and it's just them" (which is more beneficial to Eönwë) and "because the forces of evil cheat, Gothmog gets random assistance from other Balrogs" (similar to what happened with Fingon). Even if they refused to kill the other in the end, someone else on their side happily would. One of them would've wound up dead for sure.

Eönwë tries to take comfort in the fact that this scenario has been avoided and soon realizes that Melkor currently can't bring his Maiar back - so Gothmog also stays dead - but that means he no longer has the one person in his life who understands him. In all his other relationships, he has to perform; whether that's actually true or not is another question, but Eönwë definitely feels that way. It's not like he can tell, say, Manwë, Finarfin or Eärendil about his killer instincts and how he sometimes has the urge to hack, slash and dive bomb people.

What makes this worse is that Eönwë also can't express his grief, or at least he has to pretend it's just about Gondolin. How would he explain that he's mourning the evil Lord of Balrogs more than the brave warrior Elves?

It gets even worse in the one verse where he has an egg and now has to hatch it alone (which may or may not even be possible without another fire spirit) and can never tell anyone where it came from.

Maybe Eönwë goes into the War of Wrath so readily because he doesn't have much to lose. He doesn't feel quite at home or connected and has nobody to talk to about it and nobody to make him feel accepted and loved regarding the parts of himself that he always has to hide. But he also can't just... give up. He's immortal. Even if he died, Manwë would still be more than capable of bringing him back. And he has a purpose to fulfill.

So yeah. Poor Eönwë indeed😭

And now I'll go and dig up (pun intended) some Firebird headcanons for Ainur Week

[klavierbi]

hi mtv welcome to my twisted mind

[convenientalias]

Some Dramas I Watched in 2021

At some point I will have to make a post of all the dramas that came OUT in 2021 that I've watched, but I'm gonna put that off until I've finished a couple more dramas. So it'll probably be in January or February or something. Who knows.

But since a bunch of y'all I'm following are doing it, here's just a list of some shows I watched this year (and what I thought of them!)

First, some rewatches:

I have now watched White Christmas three times. It's still really fuckign good, still my favorite kdrama thriller. @trifoliate-undergrowth watched it with me and convinced me to get more into Choi Chihoon and Lee Jaekyu, but Park Mooyul and Kang Mireu are still bae. But honestly I love all my boys. and my girls. and everyone in this show. Pacing--eight episodes, tight and frantic but never too fast to process. Feels--a rollercoaster, perfectly grim and perfectly hilarious and cheerful when it wants to be. Aesthetics--prim and claustrophobic and utterly on point. If you haven't watched this show, why the fuck not? Also, why the fuck haven't I written more fanfic for it?

Similar to White Christmas, I rewatched Circle: Two Worlds Connected with @trifoliate-undergrowth as well, and discovered new appreciation for Professors Park and Han, while continuing to adore Lee Ho Soo and Kim Woo Jin. (When I watch new shows with Yeo Jin Goo in them, like Beyond Evil, it also makes me appreciate Kim Woo Jin more. Was that sass directed at Beyond Evil? ...maybe so.) Circle is probably my second favorite kdrama thriller of all time but there's some hot competition for this position so idk.

Finally, I convinced my mom to watch Save Me with me. Now you may be thinking based on the progression of this list that I am about to say Save Me is my third favorite kdrama thriller of all time. Not really. Its pacing is kind of a drag sometimes and it's just so damn dark, both in mood and cinematography. (Again, a similar vibe to Beyond Evil. Sorry BE I'll stop sassing you eventually.) But listen. Save Me has Woo Do Hwan in it! and Seo Ye Ji! Two of my favorite actors, and it introduced me to both of them. For that reason I will always love it. It also has some great suspense and boyish shenanigans. My mom kind of hated it but I offered several times to stop watching it so we could watch something else and she refused so she can't have hated it as much as she claimed. Also she likes Woo Do Hwan now.

Obviously, though, rewatches are easy mode bc of course I like them, I bothered to rewatch them. So it's not surprising I really like these shows.

Cdramas I watched:

I only watched two cdramas to completion in 2021. These two were Winter Begonia (which I started in 2020) and Weaving a Tale of Love (which came out this year).

Of the two, Winter Begonia stands head and shoulders above Weaving a Tale of Love. In fact, it's one of my favorite watches of both 2021 AND 2020. It combines piercing melancholy with dumb slapstick with intense homoerotic friendship with traditional Chinese opera with political and financial intrigue with petty opera company one-upmanship. Its plot does tend to wander in one direction and another, and its central friendship would undoubtedly be better as an uncensored romance, but if you're okay with an un-focused plot and typical Chinese censored bromance, it's a really really good show. One of those shows where I have only been able to write one fanfic for it, for the simple reason that it doesn't really need fanfic. The melodrama, the angst, the humor, the intense bonding... it's already there, you know? I find it satisfying.

Weaving a Tale of Love, on the other hand, is a show I watched largely for the pretty clothes, the identity porn, and the cheerful, unstoppable female lead(s--the second female lead is also pretty good. For that matter, there's a great female villain and a loveable henchwoman who becomes the lead's ally instead. The women in general are pretty good). The men in this show are actually pretty boring unfortunately, and the crossdressing is... I like that within the show's world, the lead is a convincing eunuch, but as an outside observer, the female lead is pretty obviously dressed and made-up in a feminine manner. And the plot, while it doesn't exactly wander, has an ending that feels a little too easy tbh. I prefer my revenge schemers to get their revenge fully by their own efforts, preferably as the climax of long-term plans coming neatly together. But since most shows can't pull off a full NIF with neat revenge-planning, I will say Weaving a Tale of Love doesn't have the worst revenge plot I've seen either in terms of resolution, not by a long shot (cough Sword Dynasty cough Risky cough Lovers of the Red Sky cough). Honestly I'd recommend it as a light and bingeable watch, though it's nothing great.

Jdramas I watched:

Risky--The less said the better. I coughed about it above--yeah, as a revenge drama it was a disappointment. The ending was just too wtf, and the twists were half predictable and half "just why, that ruins the whole plot actually". Please don't watch this.

I also watched one much better jdrama, which is to say: Cherry Magic! A very cute little gay romance drama, with telepathy and office crushing. When you have a telepath, one character at least knows for sure how the other character feels. Now when your telepath is a very anxious dude who has yet to go through a sexuality crisis OR in general just accept that ANYONE COULD BE INTO HIM, you still end up with a slow burn and some miscommunication. But it's never too frustrating, and there's genuine affection and fluffiness, and it's just cute.

Kdramas I watched:

This was mostly a kdrama year for me. I watched more kdramas than anything else.

I finished two historical dramas. The first, Mr. Sunshine, I can't decide if I love or hate. The characters in it are complex and will stick with me for a long time, the acting is superb, and the aesthetic is magnificent, especially the frigid winter scenes and the melancholy nights. But the ending is kind of "rocks fall, everyone dies". And apart from the central romance, I felt like none of the other relationships were allowed to have as much depth as I wanted them to have. Everyone is stoic. Conversations are brief and clever and to the point; they lack the intimacy of a show where you get characters just sitting around bantering with each other or discussing their past or their beliefs at length. There are scenes where you get the sense Mr. Sunshine is trying to do this, trying to make you believe friendships between characters actually exist, but you never get a sense that "oh, these two people have talked to each other since I last saw them together", and the onscreen conversations are not sufficient to really build relationship. The exception here is Eugene and Kyle, who one hundred percent fuck around in the American Embassy every day, gossiping about their coworkers and their love lives, discussing the relative merits of life in Korea vs. America, and trying to find ways to embarrass each other in public.

Anyway I actually liked Mr. Sunshine. Eugene, Go Ae-sin, Kudo Hina, Kim Hui-seong, Gu Dong-mae... they're all really complex characters and the acting is so good. But when a show is good, you just kind of wish it could fulfill its potential, you know?

The other historical drama I watched is Lovers of the Red Sky. Less to say here, and also I already wrote a full review so I don't really have to go into detail. It's really fun. The romance is cute, the painting is beautiful, and the whump is whumpy. Both male and female leads are great, well-acted and interesting. The revenge subplot is bullshit and doesn't go anywhere, the political intrigue is shallow, and the villain wants to be Bang-won but will never be anything close to Bang-won. The supernatural elements are sometimes fun and other times are like "go away, I want to focus on the painting or literally anything else right now". Overall, similar to Weaving a Tale of Love, would recommend for a light watch but it's not going to end up on my list of favorites.

I finished three new 2021 thrillers. Of the three, the best was somehow Mine? Don't get me wrong, Mine has its flaws. The solution to the whole murder mystery still annoys me even now, and I think its turning Ji-yong into the only real villain of the show kind of flattened some character dynamics. But the femslashiness was <3 <3 <3 so good. And in fact, all the female characters were excellent. Hi-soo and Ja-kyung were my favorites, but canon lesbian and supportive sister-in-law Seo-hyun? Amazing, show-stopping, incredible. For her haircut alone I would have adored her but she also has the character arc to back it up. And the centrality of motherhood in the conflict between Hi-soo and Ja-kyung has ruined me for all other infidelity-related thrillers (yes, I know, I don't usually like infidelity-centered thrillers anyway, but that just makes it more impressive that Mine was so good for me personally). It's a good show. Also, just, the clothes. Hi-soo makes me want to wear dresses, and that's saying something. (full and somewhat more critical review here. I think I grew less critical of Mine after seeing what other thrillers 2021 had to offer lols.)

Beyond Evil--I wrote a long-ish post about it before. TLDR: Yeo Jin Goo is hot and his character is probably the most complex. The show annoys me on a thematic level and I found the consistently grim tone to be wearing and a little bit boring. I think I'm supposed to like Manyang in general more than I do. However, I did still write two fanfics for this show, which is more than for any of the other dramas in this post (except the rewatches) so it clearly did something to me. or for me. Idk. It has some genuinely dramatic and exciting episodes! Too bad that's only like half of them. I want a show with more verve.

The Devil Judge, my third 2021 thriller watch, has the verve. I really need to write an actual full review of it soon tbh. On a shippy, fanfic-writer-y level, Kim Gaon and Kang Yohan have a very fun dynamic, wobbling between "I don't trust you an inch" and "you may be my new (replacement) adoptive family" and sometimes just "looking at you with affection <3 <3". But I don't watch thrillers for fanfic potential! (convenientalias said, lying through her teeth.) I watch them for thematic coherency! And on a thematic level, The Devil Judge is really interesting. It has this whole discussion going on of what proper punishment/justice looks like, how a focus on "law and order" politics can lead to an increase in prejudice, hate crimes, and a lack of due process, and how a tooth for a tooth isn't actually the right course of action when pursuing justice. However, it lacks follow-through on the latter. Gaon continually calls Yohan out on his vigilante-level lack of due process or honest judging, but the show's opinion is that Yohan may be a bit shady, but listen, (says The Devil Judge,) he's really cool, okay? And don't we all kind of want criminals to get flogged or sentenced to death, in some part of ourselves? Don't we all want to blow up the big bads in a grand finale, with no due process whatsoever? The Devil Judge KNOWS that fighting fire with fire ultimately leads to more injustice, but listen, fighting fire with fire is cool, okay? Okay I'll write a full review of this soon bc I clearly have a lot of feelings. Final note--Jeong Seon-ah is really, really cool!

I also watched two BL miniseries this year, Color Rush and You Make Me Dance, about which I can only say, if you're gonna watch only one of them, watch Color Rush. I'm not saying it's better but also it's better.

I also started and didn't finish any number of other series. I'm going to cheat and mention one of them--Mad Dog is quite fun. I only have 3 episodes to go on that one so I think it's fair for me to take a moment to recommend it for anyone who wants to see Woo Do Hwan be sassy and reckless and nearly get murdered all the time while even his newfound team hates on him for half the show before finally coming around and realizing he is a treasure and needs to Take Better Care of Himself and Be Protected. For the rest, I'll talk about them some other time, in some other post. (If they came out in 2021--yes, I'm going to write that post eventually! There's just a few dramas I want to finish (or start) first!)

If you're wondering which of these shows you should watch:

-Watch White Christmas and Circle, obviously! If I can watch them three times you can surely watch them once.

-After that, I'd recommend Winter Begonia.

-After that, all these shows have their own high points and flaws. If you want some cheerful fun, I'd recommend Weaving a Tale of Love, Lovers of the Red Sky, or Cherry Magic. Thriller-wise, I actually think The Devil Judge is the easiest for me to rec. I consistently enjoyed it, every episode has something actually happening, and while Mine is a bit more to my taste, I think a lot of ppl want more violence and intrigue in their thrillers than Mine has to offer. Mine is a pretty good all-rounder though. I'd recommend Mr. Sunshine if you want a drama that's more serious (...but I'd also recommend Winter Begonia, except I already recommended that above) or if you want a show where you can literally ship any two characters with each other, those being its main attractions. And Beyond Evil, well, if you want to watch Yeo Jin Goo be a brat, it's certainly good for that.

In short, I had a lot of fun with dramas this year :)

[cerealmonster15]

picking up where we left off with twst[oc] sims and the terrors they commit

he's still very upset. i also only managed to get kalim to feel jealous again w/romantic interactions but not yet the physical and woohoo so we'll see if i commit to them all or just leave it as is. i think the next step is to have either ruggie or kalim catch dañarte w/the other and see if it triggers anything for real this time

...ok he just kinda walked past them and didnt give a shit lol... also even tho ruggie said he was gonna dump char and then their relationship went mega red from getting caught cheating, he technically never did and theyre still partners lol... toxic yaoi..

okay. sure. whatever. anyway none of this was working so i called in the big guns, which was inviting over his THIRD romantic interest

and doing a flirty interaction with vil upset BOTH kalim and ruggie - idk why they werent upset w/each other's interactions lol, maybe bc danarte is partner status w/both of them but not vil? anyway that was one interaction giving me 2/10 get caught cheatings i needed

the drama of it all,,, ruggie immediately went outside, vil looks a little too pleased, kalim is shocked, dan doesnt care hes on his phone lol 😭

ik i just keep posting the same scene but this is just so awkward kfldhskgl kalim and vil are just. smiling at each other. ruggie came back inside and is i guess trying to hype himself up. mister danny needs to be an ex to 5 people so i guess now's a great time to dump kalim and ruggie lol sorry boys 😭

this is so sad but also vil just kind of Sitting There during it all is really funny 😭😭😭 i realize they probably have a good bond bc vil and him both have the snob trait and he has a positive moodlet for being around a fellow snob lol

anyway the deed is done. 2/5 exes. i guess vil is the next target since theyre already romantically involved

HUH????? i thought i had him get w/rook... either i didnt actually do that and they just have a full romance bar w/o being partners, or story progression broke them up...

WAIT I DEF DID WHAT HAPPENED OMG. hang on we are pausing this villain era i have to swap households and see what's going on over there

huh???? they still have full bars but are not listed as partners WHAT HAPPENED HERE... well whatever i guess. sorry dan guess u cant break them up technically lol but he can still date and dump vil 😔

which... they got right along onto the second i had dañarte do first kiss with vil lol i did not have them do the relationship... godspeed one step ahead of me i guess

i needed to humble him a little so i had him try to give cay a rose [im having cay build a friendship w/char and cater called and asked to come over right after i sent vil home] but cater still doesnt like him so he was kinda just like 😔 no thx youre cringe LOL

anyway he wanted a drink so i sent him out to find some people,, jamil and azul are here... sebek also walked thru the door shortly after and i already have the option to have dañarte tell him to dump either azul or sebek if i want while theyre RIGHT THERE.... jksdhfsdk god... hes also able to tell jamil to be jealous again despite the fact that theyre not dating [yet] but he only just met azul so he cant say the same.... ugh idk lol im making a mess for myself on purpose to have to deal with later lol 😭

im making him late for work for this lol 😭azul you are spared for now but jamil might (???) get mad if you flirt with your other boyfriend. unless sims decides not to care idk lol

FUCK sorry sebek. i'm so sorry. i never got that follow up w/ruggie re: char so i guess he just never went thru with it.

therye even still partners. actually idk why ruggies the one w/the grudge when hes the one that was doing the cheating 😭 ruggie im so sorry my sims game is kind of defaming you right now it's not your fault u were kind of set up to fail when you got involved w/them lol jkfhsfk.. maybe ill see if they can work shit out or be platonic pals ,,, they have like no green frienship and a ton of red anti romance rn tho so dshkgfkj godspeed char

THAT'S. NOT WHAT I TOLD YOU TO DO???? SDJFLKSDGKLJ I said check in on ruggie but in the seconds it told me to click it i guess char had OTHER PLANS!! crazy that this seemed to go over fine but the other attempt of platonic conversation are Struggling lol. these two....

man cmon sklhsdhfglh

WE'RE MAKING IT WORSE CHAR IT'S TIME TO GO HOME!!!

he has a want to discuss his relationship fears w/ruggie but like,,, i fear perhaps that ship has Sailed...

at least neige and jamil are friends!!!!!!!

FSDJKLFJDSKLGH sorry jamil literally anyone else i wouldve been like YEAH DO IT but you called the wrong bitch for advice.

THATS SO SAD

anyway bitch boy went to work so now it's char's turn

it's time to set him and ruggie free 😔

...i guess he just keeps doing this as a greeting bc i think this and the other kiss were not actions lol and mabye it's bc he still has the smitten sentiment. he even got flirty just by being near ruggie. char blease you are being a hopeless romantic in a relationship that has gone up in FLAMES

well. uh. the deed is done i guess. hi jack 😭

i missed the screeshot but azul arrived on a broom - and by that i mean he crashed onto the ground. true to life. hes lucky it's just char home rn lol

bitch boy wants war...

kalim walked into the gym all sad but he still gave dañarte a tip for his guitar playing lol

anyway jamil's here too and i had them start flirting

they had a very glitched hug lol

but then silver walked into the convo, also feeling flirty, so that of course threw off their romance path

i hit image limit bc im excessive. brb.

[heartkyeom]

now or never pt. 3

xu minghao x fem!reader

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 (finale)

word count: 9.9k

synopsis: when you make a chance encounter with your ex, you end up saying that you're engaged to your estranged neighbor xu minghao. when you find out your ex is coming to your friend's wedding, you've only got a month to become a convincing couple.

warnings: mentions of chronic illness, food, smut, brief flashbacks, shitty ex!joshua, mentions of family planning (…no comment)

notes: HI HI HI omg I am so happy to have this out you have no idea. this shit has been burning a hole in google docs for a month lol … the mentions of chronic illness are based on my own experiences as someone with a chronic illness, so I am not talking out of my ass I promise! this one has Some Drama and other developments and I am excited to hear your thoughts as always!!! pls enjoy, sorry for such a long note bye <3

tag list: @lavenderautumnx @mangogyu @idyllic-ghost @thetigeragenda @sleeplessdawn @tea-and-regret @butterfliesinthenightsky @sugarrimajins @hitorijanaikara-blog-blog @cosmicwintr @lztespring @soffrine @justasoftstan @lilactangerine @jeongiegram @hoohoohope @trashygigi @itzelise06 @bonsaijoons @playboygeniusphilanthropist

Things between the two of you were noticeably different after the kiss debacle at your apartment. His glances lingered on you longer than normal, you held hands whenever you saw him, and you didn’t pull your hands away from his when they accidentally brushed yours.

There was hugging that sometimes ended with a kiss on the cheek or the lips, maybe even the forehead when he was feeling especially happy to see you.

Out of all the new things that came from your romantic tension, you decided that you liked kissing him the most. Each kiss felt so intentional as if he didn’t want to waste any time not giving you what you wanted. Even when the kisses felt more intense, they were still tender and it fascinated you every time his lips were pressed to yours.

This resulted in you kissing him just for the need to feel that sensation over and over.

As the wedding was quietly approaching, you found him standing at your front door most evenings to spend time with you after work.

That’s how you found yourself on the couch, him laying across your lap while you sat upright. You absentmindedly ran your hands through his hair, and his soft hums were his nonverbal stamps of approval.

“Idiot,” You called out softly.

“Hm?” He didn’t look up from his phone.

“When are you taking me on a date?”

He looks up at you with a neutral glance, pondering his response for a moment.

“When are you free?” He smiles at you knowingly and you roll your eyes.

“Ha ha, very funny,” you reply in a deadpan tone, “but I think I can fit you in for Friday night.”

He nods in approval, lips slightly pouted in understanding. “I’ll brainstorm and let you know what we’ll be up to.”

You nod back, sighing to yourself quietly. Were relationships always meant to be this warm? You decide to yourself that they should be. It seems like he doesn’t have to try to be inviting, everything comes so naturally.

There’s only a brief moment of silence before he speaks up again.

“Let me make you something to wear for the wedding.”

“What?” You almost think you heard wrong when he says it, it sounds so outlandish.

“I’m serious,” Minghao’s glance was focused on you, but you’re not completely convinced.

“I just don’t want you to do that if you don’t want to,” you look away from him nervously. You had a hard time accepting gifts, especially when you didn’t think you deserved them. You never splurged on yourself, never with something big like designer clothes anyways.

“You have a fashion designer as a fiance. I promise whatever I make for you will be miles better than what you were gonna end up buying.”

You grabbed a pillow from the opposite end of the couch and hit him in the face, his giggles filled up the air while you lightly swatted the pillow at him.

“You’re right, but don’t say it like that,” you pouted, finally throwing the pillow back to its original spot toward his feet.

He finally sits up to look at you, grabbing your hands instinctively. “But seriously, brat, you deserve something nice. If you wanna make Joshua jealous, it’s gotta be with something good.”

You offer him a smile, but you feel a pang of guilt in your chest. You forgot that this was supposed to be a plot against Joshua, that none of this was supposed to be real. He was only meant to be in your life for another week and a half, but you can’t even try to imagine parting with him so soon.

You pushed any lingering thoughts to the back of your head to focus on him again, on the gift that he was graciously giving you.

“Yeah, it’s gonna be my revenge dress,” you state confidently, pushing your chest out. He shakes his head at you with a curious smile on his face.

“I promise it’ll be worth it,” He asserts.

“I don’t think you can make me something I’ll like,” You let out a short laugh, moving your hand away from his grasp to tuck a stray hair behind his ear.

“You’re really doubting my styling abilities.”

“I’m not, I promise,” you whine, and his hand comes up to pinch your cheek.

“It was a joke, baby,” He doesn’t seem to realize what he’s done until he sees your eyes widen.

“No, no, don't get any ideas, you’re still a brat,” He tries to defend himself, but you’re still smiling as wide as ever. He let down his guard, even if only for a moment, and it made you so content to see new sides of him.

“What’s that? You’re calling me baby now?” You coo, and now it was your turn to pinch his cheeks, his face had dissolved into a cute frown.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” He was being more of a brat than you, but you decided to leave it alone.

“Anyways, you swear I’ll like the dress?” You give him one last skeptical look, but he can see through the facade.

“I know you will.”

—

The next day, Minghao insists on holding a private fitting session for the dress that night. You figured he would just text you asking for your measurements, but he insisted.

“Stop being stubborn and let me show you my studio,” He sounds resigned over the phone.

You have been persistent about Minghao not making a big deal about the dress and you don’t want to process why you’re pushing back so hard about it. In a way, it felt like you were trying to test him to see if he would give in. If you wore him down enough, maybe he would give up on trying to perform a nice gesture for an unwilling recipient.

Yet, you knew you were projecting. It was just hard to admit you were wrong, so it was easier to double down instead,

“I’m not being stubborn, most designers just make the clothes without being too hands-on. The models don’t get a tour of the designer’s studio, or maybe I’ve just been reading Vogue too much,” You sigh.

“You are reading too much Vogue and I’m not taking no for an answer, brat. You’re coming to the studio, end of discussion.” You can practically see him scowling at you through the phone, that lecturing tone of his is stuck in your brain.

“Fine,” you respond petulantly.

“I know you’re pouting. Stop pouting.” How is he so good at reading you even over the phone? He still manages to be precise even when you least expect it.

“Fine,” You adjust your tone of voice to satisfy him.

“And you’re not just a model, you know that. You keep trying to minimize yourself and I’m not gonna allow it.”

“I’m only your fiancée for another week,” You keep pacing around your apartment to distract yourself, even if it means your worst thoughts are coming out of your mouth.

“You’re deflecting! That’s not even what we’re talking about. Seriously, what’s going on?”

“I’m sorry, I’m just not used to this at all,” You settle on your couch, burrowing yourself into your plush blanket before responding again, “I’m terrible with gifts, I keep thinking it’s an inconvenience for you.”

“It’s not, trust me. It’s not just about him, it’s about how you want to feel. I want this dress to make you feel like he doesn’t have any power over you anymore.”

That brings tears to your eyes. You wished it was that easy to forget his presence in your life, but it wasn’t.

“Is it bad that he still has something over me?” Your voice shakes and you suddenly wish that he was next to you, giving you reassuring touches. You push your face further into the blanket, barely acknowledging your phone.

“No, definitely not.”

Your cries are so quiet that he can’t tell the difference, he only questions that you may have disappeared. “Y/N? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m here,” You attempt to stifle your sobs, but your voice is far too broken to convince him that you’re okay.

“We don’t have to do this tonight, it’s okay,” His voice is softer than you’ve ever heard it, it throws you for a moment.

“No, I need to get out of this fucking apartment. We can still do it tonight,” You laugh through your tears.

“Okay,” he agrees reluctantly, “I’ll text you the address now. Be on time, though. I want us to start as soon as possible.”

“No problem.”

You’re sure it won’t be a problem, you’re already mentally planning all the details you want to mention before he starts making it. Somehow, your mind immediately runs to references that you want to embody.

Despite your mood, you still want to make the most of the session, and Minghao’s words leave you determined to make your opinions known.

—

“I’m outside,” You hesitate to speak, mostly because of your own nerves. You didn’t expect Minghao’s work building to be this tall, but that thought is foolish considering the circumstances. Minghao hadn’t necessarily explained the ins and outs of his job yet, but you knew it was substantial enough to warrant a private studio.

“Okay, I’ll just meet you in the lobby,” He responds nonchalantly before hanging up. When you enter the revolving doors, you’re thrown by just how high scale the entire office is. Everything is crisp, clean, and minimalist, minus the numerous runway shots and art prints that line the walls. You really try not to minimize yourself as Minghao mentioned before, but you feel far too out of place here.

The receptionist gives you a reassuring look, but you still feel an underlying sense of judgment. As soon as you feel your thoughts begin to spiral even further, Minghao appears from around the corner.

“Hi,” He smiles at you, pulling you into a brief hug. You take refuge in his scent and your anxiety is already disappearing.

“Hi. You weren’t kidding when you said this was a big office,” Your eyes wander around the lobby again, mouth slightly agape in wonder at the scope of everything.

“Yeah, it’s a lot to get used to. I’m honestly not used to it yet,” He admits softly.

“Are you ready to go upstairs?” He holds your hand, intertwining your fingers and tapping his thumb lightly on the back of your hand.

“Yep,” You take a deep breath, still trying to quiet those last few nerves. He senses that nervousness and gives you a kiss on your hand. He always manages to offer you a quiet kind of encouragement, especially when you need it the most.

“Okay, let's go,” He offers you a reassuring nod before walking with you toward the elevators. You’re silent as he presses the up button on the elevator. It opens almost immediately and again, you watch him press the button for the 15th floor.

“That’s really high up,” You whisper to yourself, but he manages to hear it.

“It is, are you afraid of heights?” A hint of concern pulls across his face, but you’re already shaking your head no before he can finish the question.

“Oh my god, no, just thinking out loud.” You’re not sure why you insist on making every step of this process so painfully awkward, he clearly had every intention of making you feel comfortable. Wearing the dress would be such a transitional moment in your personal growth, whether you want to internally admit it or not. It’s a symbol of a more confident person, one that leaves Joshua Hong in the past where he belongs.

“I have things in mind for the dress,” You finally speak up, you remember the folder of references in your bag that you organized just a few hours prior.

“I figured you would,” He smirks but you know there’s no malice behind his words. “What are you thinking of?”

“I brought some stuff with me, but I’ll wait to get into it.” He gasps in slight shock, it makes you excited to see him react so strongly.

“You’re really building the suspense here,” He ruffles your hair out of the blue without looking, but he turns his attention to you fully.

“Can’t give everything away,” You insist.

“Is that so?” He lowers his voice, it comes off a bit more sensual than you expected, and you don’t know how you haven’t completely lost your wits yet. You almost think he’s gonna kiss you, but even with your blooming relationship, he remains a tease.

The elevator chime saves you from replying, and he’s leading you out before you can feel properly flustered. His private studio is right off of the elevator and you’re captivated the moment you step through the door.

“Welcome to my 2nd home,” He takes a deep exhale and gives you the space to look around for a bit. The space is just so him in every way possible. It does remind you of his apartment, just slightly smaller. Just from a quick glance, you can tell he has a penchant for edgy and bold looks, it’s a major evolution of his personal style from college. He seems much more comfortable in his style now, even the dress forms have designs that reflect how much he’s changed over the years.

“This looks incredible, Minghao,” You look at him with a new sense of admiration, it makes you so happy to see what he’s made of himself even though you hadn’t seen much of him in the recent past.

“Thank you,” He sheepishly accepts the compliment. “Now show me these references you’ve brought,” He turns his attention to him before the kind words can linger on him for too long.

“Okay, so,” You reach into your bag to retrieve your folder, “I hope this isn’t too old school for you.”

“No, that’s okay. I appreciate the change of pace honestly, I miss having paper references to hang up at my station,” He’s already intrigued at the images laid in front of him before you have a chance to explain anything.

“I really wanted to lean into the Princess Diana revenge dress, so I pulled that and I also want to channel some 90s supermodels as well,” You spread the photos out across the table and show him just exactly what you want.

“So a Naomi Campbell type of energy?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I want,” Your eyes widened with excitement. You felt like the models of that era always had such an effortlessly cool style, so you wanted to exude that energy at the wedding.

“I can definitely work with that,” He organizes the photos back into the folder and moves to his desk, placing it near his computer.

You both spend a few more minutes debriefing about what your ideal dress would look like, and just from his initial descriptions, you can tell the dress will make a big impact.

“You have everything so organized, I’m the complete opposite,” You take a moment to observe just how neat the space is. Considering the type of work you’ve seen from him, it makes sense that everything is so clean cut.

“Yeah, I need it to be very organized here or else I can’t focus,” He continues to look around the space, grabbing items that catch his eye immediately. It seems like his mind is on autopilot, he doesn't have to think twice about what to grab. You’re sure he’s taken countless measurements, you’re just hoping it goes well without any issues.

“Okay, go ahead and step up there for me,” He gestures toward a circular platform near his dress forms. You place your bag down quickly before stepping up on the platform.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been measured for anything, I think you’ll have to be careful with me.”

“I think you’ll do just fine, but I’ll be extra careful. My supermodel,” He winks at you.

“You’re not supposed to flirt with your models, remember?” You outstretch your arms out of expectation. He chuckles at your eagerness and tilts his head slightly.

“Good, keep your arms out. And you’re not just a model, stop saying that before I hit you with my clipboard,” His fake anger melts into giggles and you can’t help but laugh as well. He extends his tape measure from your shoulder to your fingertips. You see the gears in his head turning as he writes the measurement down on his notepad.

“I’m gonna just come around here and measure your back,” He disappears from your view, but his touches are still considerate. There’s a brief silence, but you decide to get to know him despite his compromising position.

“How long have you been sewing?”

“It’s more like how long haven’t I been sewing,” He scoffs before continuing again, “I learned when I was young just by watching other people do it. Then, I finally felt confident enough to make my own clothes. It just kind of snowballed from there.”

“Wow, so people have been asking you to make clothes for them your whole life,” You watch him come back around to the front of the platform, eyeing his next target for measuring.

“Yes, and now I actually make the clothes I want, such as your new dress.” He did a broad gesture to your body before taking some more notes. It made you appreciative that you were in good hands with someone who was not only experienced, but passionate about their work.

“Hold on, I’m gonna put this around your bust,” He remains focused on the task at hand, yet you can’t manage to take a breath. This has to be the most intimate thing you’ve done with him outside of kissing, and yet he barely has to do a thing to build you up.

“It’s okay, you can take a breath,” He offers in a quiet tone. You let out a shaky laugh and take the breath you’ve wanted for the last minute or so. He still doesn’t seem upset, in that particular way of his.

“I’m sorry, you just have a certain kind of touch,” You give him an endearing smile and he takes a moment to laugh. He drops the tape measure and gets a better look at you, yet he tries to regain his composure before getting back to work.

“Don’t apologize, I know I’m a little bit irresistible,” He wraps the tape measure around your waist with a lilt in his voice, taking a second to remember the number in front of him. He drops the measure once again and jots down his findings, now taking a bit longer to analyze if he has all the right numbers.

“Ok idiot, you should ask me something you want to know about me now,” You finally put your arms down.

“Am I your first romantic fling since Joshua?” He states unremarkably, as if the state of your love life was small talk.

“Minghao!” You exclaim loudly, stepping down from the platform absolutely scandalized.

“What? I want to know about it. You’re not exactly forthcoming, as we’ve previously discussed,” He retorts. He’s not exactly wrong, you were private about it. Then again, who wouldn’t be? You didn’t exactly want to be single again for this long, it just sort of happened. Romance was less of a priority compared to actually surviving day by day.

“Well, yes, you are the first. I felt too miserable to date after Joshua until I forgot that I was supposed to be actively pursuing dates. Then this whole thing happened,” You push your lips out into a frustrated sigh.

“There’s no shame in that. I also haven’t had many remarkable relationships until now,” He placed his materials down at his workstation, slowly making his way to his desk.

“Really? I thought you’d have some escapades, Mr. Irresistible.” Even if you didn’t end up in this predicament with him, he still seemed like a pretty attractive boyfriend from an outsider’s perspective.

“Not many people like dating a workaholic, no matter how irresistible I may seem,” He gestures at himself with a dejected laugh.

“I’m assuming that’s not the only thing that got you in trouble.”

“You’d be right. I wasn't really emotionally mature enough for what they needed, and I thought I could get away with a lot of mean shit. That took a long time for me to admit to myself,” He nods solemnly.

“That’s probably not what you wanted to hear from me, was it?” He looks up at you with anxious eyes, but you’re not really deterred. Instead, you pull the chair from his workstation and next to his desk.

“No, but I appreciate the honesty. Nice to know you’re not completely emotionally stunted,” you joke, but it’s still serious in your mind. Minghao was always honest and upfront about what he wanted, even if you weren’t used to it. As bad as it sounds, you weren’t used to hearing that kind of vulnerability within your romantic relationships. You hope that could stop with this evolving relationship.

“Not completely, but I would like to keep growing of course. Nothing’s perfect about me.”

“You’re giving me a free therapy session and a dress, you should really start monetizing this,” You work to lighten the mood again and he catches the shift easily.

“I know, I should put all this free space to use,” He gestures to the rest of the studio and you burst into laughter.

“You can stay if you’d like, but the sketching and sewing process is not super glamorous,” He shakes his head. You didn’t want to stand in the way of his work, but there was still a sense of longing that sat in your heart.

“It’s okay, I don’t want to be a distraction. I want the dress to be perfect,” You stand up and make your way behind the desk, sinking onto his lap without thinking.

“It’ll be perfect, I promise,” He leans into your face, stopping just short of your mouth. You take the cue to kiss him, placing a tender hand on his cheek to steady yourself. Your hands wander to the nape of his neck, slowly weaving your fingers through his hair. He lets out a quiet moan that encourages you even more, slightly grinding your hips onto him. He kisses you just as eagerly, but his restraint appears just as quickly. You can tell he wants more, but the rational part of him took over.

“Don’t start something you can’t finish,” He presses one last kiss to your cheek and gives you a warning look. As much as you want to dive into your wildest fantasies inside his studio, your mind and body are probably not prepared for the consequences.

You can’t help yourself one last time and push his hair aside, leaving a soft kiss on his forehead. You stand up to walk toward the exit before you can catch his reaction, so you almost miss the blush on his cheeks.

“Text me when you get home,” you face him for a moment before turning around again. “Please eat before you go home too,” You call from the entryway.

“I will, to both,” He waits for you to turn around again before giving you a short wave. You offer a short smile back and finally retreat to the elevator.

As you ride back down to the lobby, you’re convinced that he has a hold over you. It’s not apparent until he’s gone that you’re itching to have another piece of him. It should be embarrassing, but you don’t have any kind of rebuttal. He’s found his way into your heart and there’s nothing you can do about it.

—

Minghao insists that the date should be a surprise, so he left you guessing until the very last minute.

He blindfolded you which took lots of convincing on his part, especially when you heard people whispering about why you must be blindfolded. You heard him convincing people on the street that no, he was not kidnapping you, he just needed to get you to the date without ruining the surprise. You were already skeptical of the situation, but he was trying to be romantic, so why not let him?

Wherever you were, you were definitely outside. It made sense after climbing lots of stairs on the way, he really didn’t appreciate your complaints but it was a bit of a treacherous journey. The breeze pricked your skin, instantly leaving goosebumps on your arms.

“Okay, are you ready?” His calm voice brings you back into focus.

“Yes, please hurry. I’m already cold,” You can’t help shivering, you hate that you didn’t bring a better jacket.

“Okay, you can take it off.” You unravel the loose knot of the cloth and pull it off your eyes.

You’re standing in front of a rooftop dinner that was meticulously laid out in front of you. The white tablecloth blew gently in the wind, along with the candles that were lined up across the table.

Two plates of pasta sat across from each other and you looked at Minghao with a big smile on your face.

“You remembered that I was craving pasta,” you replied excitedly.

“You ranted about it yesterday on the phone when you were drunk, I couldn’t forget it,” He was practically beaming, he seemed just as excited as you.

He instinctively pulled out your chair and let you sit before going to his own seat. You noticed the glasses of white wine near your plates and silently praised him for his choice.

You were so hungry that you barely spoke to Minghao for a few minutes. You look up to see him admiring you, it makes you feel a bit self-conscious but he clearly liked you enough to see past it.

The conversation comes soon after though, you talk about anything and everything. It ends up being a mix of catching up with each other, joking with each other, flirting, and complimenting until your wine is gone. You hadn’t seen each other in person since the studio fitting, but there were still a significant amount of things to mention to each other.

He pulls the bottle up from beneath the table. “Do you want more?”

“Yes, please.” He takes that as a cue to refill your glass and looks at you with a mischievous glance. “Is that because you’re not enjoying the date?”

“Shut up, I’m having fun.” You look away from him towards the skyline with a smile on your face. You hear him laugh and place the bottle back near his feet again.

In the silence, you decide that Minghao makes things easy. Even though it’s technically a first date, it feels far too comfortable for that. It reminds you of the distant familiarity you have, and it brings the memories of college to the forefront of your mind.

“How did we meet again?” Minghao asks you out of the blue. It was strange how he could read your mind.

“It was at one of Chan’s parties, wasn’t it?”

“No, we met after that.”

“Stop, it was definitely at one of those fundraiser parties he used to throw,” You placed your fork on top of the empty plate, insistent that your memory was correct.

You remember the moment vividly, the memory still remains fresh in your mind after so long.

-

Chan had invited you to a fundraiser party he was throwing, but despite your continued questioning, he wouldn’t disclose what it was for. He wanted it to be a mystery party where you approach a certain person and they would give you more information.

You weren’t close to anyone here besides Chan, so the prospect of approaching strangers to figure out the theme of the party was daunting. Yet, Chan wanted you here, so you figured you should play into everything.

The party was moderately loud, everyone was busy in their own corners with friends, casually drinking from plastic cups.

The house was big, far bigger than any college student could afford on their own, and you wonder who phoned it in so that Chan could have a family home act as the location for his party.

You wanted to find at least one area where it was relatively quiet, and your wish was granted when you found a study past the living room.

When you open the door, you discover that the room was practically a miniature library, books were lined across the walls in color-coordinated patterns. The dark wood and jewel-toned furniture made you feel like you stepped into a Sherlock Holmes novel, and the person sitting at the desk seemed to give off similarly mysterious energy.

“It’s $5 for the drink,” he stared at you unemotionally. Confusion spread across your face immediately after.

“Wait, what? Why am I paying for drinks?”

“He didn’t tell you?”

“No?” You reply in the same questioning tone and he lets out a small laugh.

“Chan is raising money for his dance showcase final. He needs a proper studio to record in and there’s a lot of costs with that,” The unnamed person releases a sigh, as if he’s the one raising the money.

“Oh, that does sound expensive,” You furrow your brows slightly and look at the floor.

“He’s got enough rich dance friends who will donate, he’ll be fine,” You hear the reply and nod to yourself.

“Are you a dance major?” You look up to ask and he nods.

“I’m a dance and fashion design double major,” He seems tired from having to man the station, so you figure you’d give him some enthusiasm.

“Holy shit, really?”

“Yeah, you sound like you’ve never met a double major,” He giggles at your surprise.

“I haven’t, I guess you’re right,” You feel a bit shy underneath his gaze and look at your surroundings instead.

“What about you?”

“I’m a fashion design major too,” You nod decisively at him. He nods back and doesn’t explore any further than that. You’re silently grateful, mostly because you don’t want to talk about school more than you have to.

“So, are you gonna buy a drink?”

“Yeah, I think so. It’s for a good cause, so why not,” You reach into your wallet to find a $5 bill and hold it in your hand.

“Okay, I mostly just have hard cider and spritzers. He gave me the fun drinks, as you can tell,” He observes the cooler near his feet.

“I’ll just take some hard cider, then,” You laugh through your ask and it manages to make him crack a smile.

“Yep, one second,” He plunges his hand into the ice to grab your drink, placing it next to you.

You place the bill down next to the drink and he nods at you, placing it into a small chest of money.

“Thanks,” you smile and open the drink, taking a short sip before sitting down in one of the plush chairs next to the desk.

“What’s your name? I completely forgot to ask,” You shake your head at your lack of manners, but he doesn’t seem too offended.

“I’m Minghao. What’s yours?”

“Y/N. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too,” He gives you a small smile again and it makes you feel a little less alone at such a strange party.

-

From the rest of your drunk memory, you remember that you spent most of the night with him, giving him the rest of your cash for drinks. You can’t recall how much money you ended up giving to Chan’s fund, but you do remember that Minghao eventually stopped taking your money. It was sweet, the entire night with him was sweet, and you treasure that memory more than most experiences in your college career.

“Remember? We were in that old library study room for the rest of the night?”

Minghao’s face is blank, shaking his head no at the idea of this scenario even existing.

You sigh loudly, slightly annoyed that he doesn’t remember any of it.

“Well, you should remember how you fucked up my midterm project,” He pokes you in the arm and you clutch the area, whining lightly at the pain.

“Shit, I do remember that.”

“You should, it was very upsetting,” He lets out a deep laugh, reflecting on the nightmarish experience of his sophomore year midterm for textiles.

-

Minghao was deeply annoyed.

You, the last model needed for his textiles midterm presentation, never showed up to the class and it threw him off completely.

He met you at his scheduled fitting and he was extremely grateful that Chan found another person to help him complete the assignment. Your measurements were taken, everything was fine, but it seemed to unravel right in front of his eyes.

He luckily had another model as a backup just in case and had another outfit made for said model, but it was ultimately frustrating. He loved the outfit he made for you, it was the one he would have preferred to present in front of his professor, but fate had ultimately not been kind.

Thus, when you finally walk into the classroom 2 hours late, he’s admittedly not happy to see you.

“You’re fucking kidding me.”

“I’m so sorry, I seriously didn’t mean to blow this off,” You look completely disheveled, but it doesn’t move him at all.

“You almost cost me my midterm, I don’t accept your apology,” He moves his attention to cleaning up the remains of the presentation, organizing his files into one spot.

“You have to hear me out, please,” His back was turned to you, but he whips around at the response.

“I mixed up the times, I completely forgot I had an appointment across town and I realized I couldn’t make it back on campus in time.”

“You could have let me know,” He runs his hand through his hair with a defeated sigh. “Shit, you could’ve told Chan and he would’ve told me.”

“I know and it’s completely my fault.”

“The last model could barely get out of class to come help me. My professor would’ve taken off 30 points if all my outfits weren’t on live models. You have no idea how much work this took me,” His voice is emotional yet his tone is still even, that’s what scares you the most.

You had some idea of what it took to complete the project, but he was right in the fact that his designs were extremely intricate. It was something you liked about his work and what gave you the push to help him when Chan told you about his friend’s project.

“I’m really sorry,” Your voice is small, you can’t help the tears that welled up in your eyes.

“I just need you to leave,” His voice is quiet, but the conviction is there.

“Minghao, please-“

“Don’t. Just leave, please.” He doesn’t wait to watch you leave, just goes back to organizing his things before he hears the classroom door close.

-

When he finishes the story, you can’t help the deep sense of shame that washes over you. He wasn’t completely right, you did meet him for the first time at the party, but this second time was so disappointing that you wish it didn’t happen at all.

“I’m still really sorry about that,” Regret laces your voice and you don’t know how to contend with the details he still doesn’t know about.

“I know you are, it just really hurt me at that moment.”

The silence overtakes you both for a while. A few minutes pass with you both just looking at the city skyline, tuning in to the noise from the streets.

“What was the appointment for?” He asks and it forces you to close your eyes.

“I got a chronic pain diagnosis,” You shudder at the memory of yourself crying in the doctor’s office alone, questioning how you could live through the rest of college, the rest of your life with debilitating pain. He shifts in his seat at the response.

“It was hard because I knew it was something bad, but I didn’t think it could be like that,” You shake your head, trying to fight the tears in your eyes.

“I struggled with that kind of pain since high school, but it was never something I couldn’t handle. And you want to know what’s awful?”

He nods at you, silently asking you to continue.

“When we were at the gala, I was jealous. I was sad that this could have been my life. If I was just healthy enough to get through years of interning, I could be something like you. It hurt me in college to see all that coming true for you. I couldn’t do anything to further my career and it fucked me up,” The tears were flowing freely now and it took everything in you to not sob.

Yet, when you see him move his chair next to yours and place his arm on your shoulder, you just collapse into his arms.

His touches are so gentle, not intruding in any way, yet it hurts all over. The hug felt like a silent apology for not being understanding years ago, but he couldn’t have known. Plus, you shouldn’t have had to disclose anything. It was simply a lost cause.

“I hate that you feel jealous of me. No one should have to kill themselves to get these kinds of opportunities, you shouldn’t have to suffer,” His words make you question what you’ve been taught about pushing yourself to succeed, it almost makes you sick thinking of the guilt you felt for something that was out of your control. You can’t even nod at him, you can only continue to let out cries until you feel a bit of strength.

“I never wanted to work in corporate. I never wanted to be like my parents, I didn’t want to suffer in a job I hated just to survive,” You slowly sit up to face him again.

“You still have so much time, you still have the rest of your life to chase that dream if that’s what you want. The job isn’t standing in the way anymore, right?” He grabs your hand. You nodded, your sniffling took up the silence between you two.

“Ok, so you have the power. Is fashion what you love?”

His question almost makes you cry all over again.

“It’s everything to me. I just have no idea what to do about it,” Your words are clouded in uncertainty.

“Don’t even think about that right now. It’s just enough that you want to start,” You nod at the idea of not having to decide anything right now. It will put your heart at ease at least for a little while.

“When did you get so wise? You were just the guy who was perpetually mad at me for most of college,” You laugh shakily, squeezing his hand tight.

“I’m not that smart, trust me,” He shakes his head and brushes the hair out of his eyes.

“Don’t say that.” You cup his face and run your fingers across his cheeks. It feels almost instinctual to be as gentle with him as he is with you.

“I’m supposed to be comforting you.”

“Let me do this. I missed you,” You give him a short peck, forcing yourself to push the desperation in your stomach down and leave it there.

“It’s only been a few days, brat,” He presses a kiss to your cheek and pulls back to face you again.

“Too long. Thank you for all this,” You pull him into a hug and inhale his scent, it’s sweeter than usual but you like it. His hand lands on the small of your back and you feel it idly running up and down.

“You’re welcome. Let’s go home, okay?” The idea somehow feels lovelier every time you hear it, as if home is something you two can create without it being a physical location.

—

You make it home, but the desperation in your core doesn’t let up. The way his hair falls in front of his eyes, his grip on the steering wheel when he’s driving you both home, the hand that gently strokes your thigh.

He brings you back to your front door and you don’t want him to slip away.

“So we’re gonna roadtrip up to the wedding venue, it’s only a few hours so it shouldn’t be too bad.” He leans against your doorframe, the top 2 buttons on his shirt are undone and it’s all you can focus on.

“Okay, sounds good.”

“Before I forget, I’m gonna give you the dress tomorrow. I managed to finish it earlier today.”

You simply nod, getting lost in his eyes. He seems to notice when he waves his hand in front of your face. “Earth to Y/N,” He prods you out of your daydream and the embarrassment hits you immediately.

“Yes, sorry. The road trip and dress. Got it,” You run your hands through your hair to deflect the attention, but he’s still concentrating on your strange expressions.

“What are you thinking about?”

“You, mostly how much I wanna fuck you,” You say it before you can realize it and you immediately catch yourself. You blame it on how tipsy you are, but he’s already laughing.

“Wow, so you’ve been objectifying me all night, then?” He smirks at you and readjusts his stance.

“No, not really,” You shake your head.

“Do you want to do something about that then?”

“Only at your place, though. Still haven’t seen that bedroom of yours.”

He puts his hands over his mouth and laughs loudly, enough to make you smile back at him. “I guess I can arrange that.” His breath hitches and he grabs your hand, leading you to his apartment a few doors away.

He’s able to balance his keys without letting go of your hand, unlocking the door without too much trouble. As soon as he pulls you inside and locks the door behind you, he has you pinned against the door, slipping his tongue down your throat in a heated kiss.

You reciprocate almost immediately, your lips responding to him naturally. Your hands travel to the back of his neck, your fingers desperately carding through his hair. He pulls away from your mouth to leave a trail of kisses across your jaw and down your neck. He bites and sucks a hickey onto your neck, but you’re too satisfied with the pain to care about the blooming bruise that will appear.

Everything is desperate about the way he holds you, the way he frantically kisses you as if he can never do it again.

You let out a small moan and cradle his head even tighter, it drives you crazy how he knows your pressure points already.

“Get up,” He taps your hip and nods at you, you wrap your arms and legs around him. His arms support you so easily, he raises you without much effort.

He brings you into the bedroom, but you don’t have much time to look around before he’s placing you down at the top of the bed. He pulls you back into a kiss, but now his hands are wandering across your body.

His hands land on your breasts, gently squeezing them and teasing you by circling your nipples with his fingers over the fabric. You curse yourself for not wearing a bra, since it’s easy for him to tug down the straps of your dress to reveal your chest completely.

He smirks for a second and you feel slightly concerned. “What? What’s wrong?” You whisper.

“Nothing, you just look beautiful,” He returns his attention to your chest and kisses your nipple, taking it in his mouth and leaving small bites. It pulls a moan out of you immediately, in fact, you probably haven’t stopped moaning since you got inside of his apartment.

“Can I take it off?” He places his hands on your hips, slightly gripping the fabric of the dress but still looking at you expectantly.

“Yes, of course,” The response comes out too quickly, you can barely wait for him to move. He tugs the dress down and off of you until you’re nearly naked. He notices your heels are still on, so he places a loving hand on your calf and takes the shoes off easily, tossing them on the floor without a second thought. His eyes focus on your underwear which are very clearly soaked from his ministrations.

“You really did want me, huh?” He asks you quietly. You can only nod, you’re trying to will away the throbbing but to no avail.

He hooks his fingers underneath the band of your underwear and pulls them off quickly. His fingers are so tender, but you still flinch at the contact.

“Relax, baby, it’s okay,” He doesn’t correct himself on the nickname and it drives you insane.

His fingers graze your entrance, carefully stroking you. He pushes his fingers inside you and the pressure makes your waist lift off the bed. His strokes aren’t intense from the start, but rather a slow build that makes everything hurt in the right way.

The dull ache of his fingers is subsided by his other hand running up and down your leg, along with him occasionally whispering some praises at you. You feel selfish asking for more when he’s doing perfectly well, but the need overtakes your shame.

“Hao, please,” you whine, dragging out the words.

“What’s going on?”

“Need more, please. Need you inside me,” You can’t stop yourself from squirming, and he practically has to hold you down.

“I’m just gonna stretch you out first, then we can do more, I promise.”

“Okay,” you nod and he briefly stops his movements so he can lean in to kiss you. It gives you just a bit of reassurance before he continues again.

It’s only a bit longer before you feel adjusted to him and he slips his fingers out easily.

“You did really well,” He brings himself up to your face again, cooing over you for a moment.

“I’m okay,” You mutter just loud enough for him to hear, you hate that you’re trying to deny yourself how good it felt to be underneath him.

He nods at you and takes the next few moments to strip out of his date night clothes. For a moment, he’s not hard to read or unbothered at all, he’s simply your person. Yet, he hadn’t been that unbothered cold person towards you for a while. You don’t know why you unconsciously put that assumption on him, but you decide to analyze that at a later time.

When the fabric of his patterned shirt falls to the floor, the definition of his arms and abs make your head spin, so you try to focus on his expression instead.

Seeing him naked brings up a feeling you’re not familiar with, the feeling that you just want to lie on his chest with no sexual escapades to focus on.

That fantasy had to come to a halt as he’s fully naked now, the way he puts on a condom clouds your thoughts even more.

“I’m gonna start, okay?” You feel his cock pushing at your entrance and you can tell it’ll be rough, but his encouragement spurs you on.

You let out a small noise of approval, you hate that your words get stuck in your throat when he needs to hear you the most.

The push forces you to grit your teeth, you can barely contain a scream so it comes out as a mangled kind of moan. He obviously looks concerned, but you insist you’re fine. You’ve just never felt this full with anyone, and when he bottoms out, you’re finding it hard to catch your breath.

“Gonna go slow,” he whispers and his movements align with his words, it has you desperate to touch him. He angles himself lower so that he can really hit your walls with the right amount of power.

Once he finds the sweet spot, he speeds up and it all has your orgasm crashing in sooner than you expected. The only sounds you can hear are your moans and his skin slapping against yours, he’s so focused on you that it’s almost overwhelming.

“You feel so fucking good,” He says it more as a moan, avoiding your glance like he can barely contain his pleasure.

“Look at me,” You manage to get the phrase out and his eyes flutter open, mouth slightly agape. You catch him smiling for a moment before he speaks again.

“You look so good taking me like this,” He leans down to give you a languid kiss, it’s sloppy but you capture his words in your mouth.

“Hao, I think I’m-,” You feel tears pricking at the corners of your eyes, his movements are so perfect that you nearly fall apart on the spot.

Your moans get higher and higher until you go silent. Your body stills, unable to verbalize that you’ve crossed over the edge. Your jaw is slack, eyes shut, chest fully heaving as you come down from your high. Your vision is fuzzy when you first open your eyes, but he’s using the last of his strength to get himself there.

When your eyes finally focus, you notice the tension in his eyebrows. His breaths are low, but the intensity of his orgasm is close to yours when he clutches your shoulder and falls into the crook of your neck.

You’re still for a moment, just listening to his breath radiate near your ear as the warmth tries to pull you towards sleep. You fight the urge by running your fingers through his hair slowly.

“That feels too good, you’re gonna make me fall asleep,” he hums. It makes your body shake with laughter, but you won’t let him fall asleep when you remember he’s still completely tucked inside of you. That ache is starting to build again and it forces you to speak up.

“Idiot,” you whisper.

“Hm?”

“You’re still on top of me.”

“Shit,” He pulls out of you almost immediately and the relief is palpable.

You watch him get up and walk into the bathroom, not expecting him to say anything.

“Don’t stare at my ass,” He stops in his tracks to face you before turning around again.

“I’m not,” you insist, but you know he won’t believe you. He squints his eyes and turns around again.

“Yeah, right.”

“I’m serious,” You raise your voice with a giggle, steering your eyes away from the bright lights in the bathroom to focus on sitting up instead.

He’s gone for another minute or two before running back out to the bed with a few things in tow, namely towels and clothes for the both of you.

“You’re a liar,” He exclaims, landing on your lap with a big grin, straddling you which brings a giggle out of you.

“No, I’m not,” You try to hide your face in your hands but he pries them off too easily.

“Yes, you are,” He peppers kisses all over your face until your protests make him sit up again. He grabs one of the towels and silently starts to wipe you down. You still aren’t used to those soft touches of his, it fascinates you how focused he is on you.

“Hao,” You squeak, unaware of how spent your voice is.

“What’s up?” He glances up at you, yet his movements continue.

“I don’t wanna go home tonight.” You’re not sure why you sound so scared, but the idea of sleeping alone when he’s nestled himself into your bed multiple times over the past week makes you nervous.

“You can stay. You can always stay,” He replies fondly. It brings a new sense of comfort in your chest that you haven’t felt in a long time, the safety that pushes away any doubt that may pop up in your mind. It’s a simple statement, but it does so much for you internally that you’re sure you’ll be replaying it in your head for a while.

He presses a chaste kiss to your lips, moving his face a few inches away to analyze your face for a moment. You can almost sense how enchanted he is by you, but he won’t say it. “Go freshen up, I’ll keep the bed warm for you.”

You slowly get up and the aches are already starting to set into your muscles, but he’s worth it. The few minutes spent in the bathroom pass by quickly, you’re sure that you can get away with not doing your skincare routine for one night.

You open the door and he’s nearly asleep, his eyes are closed and his quiet breaths calm you even from afar. You make sure to turn off the lamp next to you before sitting down again on top of the comforter. When you settle under the covers, he stirs awake briefly, his arms instinctively pull you into his chest.

“Thought you were asleep,” You mumble against his collarbone.

“Waiting for you kept me up,” His voice is already raspy, the vibrations of his voice make your heart stir.

“Good night, idiot.”

“Good night, baby,” He still doesn’t notice before he drifts off to sleep, but you ultimately don’t mind.

It makes you realize just how different things are already, and the changes continue to sneak up on you.

—

“I can go get the tea.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I need to get something too so it’s no big deal,” You’re already looking out the window toward the convenient store, mentally preparing yourself for the task at hand.

After the debauchery of last night, you convince Minghao to get breakfast outside of the house. He then realized once the meal was over that he ran out of his favorite tea, so you volunteer your services to do the convenient store run. You’re grateful that he’s not going to protest any further.

“Okay, I’ll stay in the car then. Text me if they don’t have it.”

“Got it,” You reassure him before stepping out of the car, slamming the passenger door shut while adjusting your hoodie.

You really do try your best to hide your soreness, but the moment you enter the convenient store it’s a lost cause.

You can bear it though, this trip is only gonna take you a few minutes anyways. You find Minghao’s jasmine tea relatively easily, recalling the distinctive logo you saw in his pantry.

You tuck the box under your arm as you wander to the snack aisle, your mind quickly gravitating to pretzel sticks. There were honestly too many things that you wanted to buy, but you remind yourself that this isn’t a proper grocery trip. You grab the large bag loosely, letting it hang from your fingertips as you walk through the store.

You rack your brain to think if you need anything else, but your mind stops when you see him.

It’s Joshua, standing directly in the middle of the family planning aisle. He’s not holding a box of condoms, but a bottle of prenatal vitamins instead. He’s looking intently at his options, but his eyes unknowingly stray to you for a moment.

You walk away before he can get a good look at you, the sight of it makes you want to abandon the tea and pretzels altogether.

She was pregnant.

The woman he cheated on you with was pregnant and it wasn’t going away. In fact, you had witnessed the final nail in the coffin, the proof that she was keeping the baby.

“Y/N, wait,” You hear him calling your name, but you have to keep walking toward the self checkout, you must in order to keep your sanity.

“Stop,” He eventually catches your arm and you turn around with a disgusted expression.

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” You spit out at him.

“I didn’t want to tell you like this, I was waiting for the right time,” His response already seems defeated, as if he knew none of his words would satisfy you.

“When were you gonna tell me Joshua? When she was about to go into labor?” You’ve backed him into a metaphorical corner, he has to scramble for some excuse.

“I was gonna wait until the wedding,” he sighs, looking away from you briefly. You weren’t sure if you wanted to slap him or just curse him out in front of the entire store. You ultimately opt for something in the middle.

“The wedding!” You exclaim in a hushed tone, trying not to disturb the other patrons in the shop. “You,” you point the box of tea in his face, “are a fucking asshole.” You turn around again and walk faster towards the self checkout. You scan your items hurriedly, tuning out the automated voice in return for whatever Joshua wanted to say.

“I just wanted to give you closure, that’s all,” he replies in a hushed tone.

“How is that closure, Joshua? The man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with flaunting the fact that he got his mistress pregnant is not closure,” Your back remains turned to him as you swipe your card. The approval chime on the card reader fills the silence, you quickly bag your items and snatch it off the bagging area.

“I’m sorry.” He responds finally. You turn around to look at him again, stopping just short of the shop’s automatic doors.

“You’re not sorry, you’ve never been sorry. I’m happy for you though, really,” You force your voice to be even.

“Y/N, please,” It almost looks like he could cry, but it’s not possible to feel sympathy for him at the moment.

“You were always gonna be a good dad, I dreamed of the family that we could’ve had for months while we were dating,” You sigh when you think of the person you were almost 5 years ago, back when he was your entire future. You’re so grateful that he isn’t now.

“I just didn’t think it was gonna be at the expense of me in the process,” You turn away for the last time and walk through the doors with your head held high. The one time you should be crying, you can’t.

You simply take a few shaky breaths, you close your eyes to ground yourself again before opening them. You quickly spot Minghao’s car and knock on the window to signal your return, you hear the click of the lock shortly after.

“Everything okay?” You hear him as you sit in the passenger seat once again.

“Yeah, I got the tea.”

“Good. I saw you talking to Joshua for a second, what was he talking about?”

“I dropped something, he just ended up talking to me for a few minutes,” The lie feels too bitter to tell him, but you do it anyway for the sake of your own peace.

Minghao only nods again, not asking any further. You were again very grateful that he minded his business.

This secret would live within you, at least for another week until the wedding.

The gentle hum of the car on the road lulls you to sleep, but you can’t fight the tear that falls from your eye as you wander into unconsciousness.

The only thought in your head is you hope that the rehearsal dinner goes without a hitch.

Yet, you know in your heart that the impending news would likely unfold into a disaster.