#anyway too tired to write actual thoughts but i did like the update overall

[maplefield]

honestly, that fact that they essentially found a pendrive and just plucked it into a supercomputer.......

[goodoldfashionedengineer]

Lego Batman Family Matters is so ridiculous but I love it.

You will not believe how funny this movie actually is.

Is it out of character? YES, especially on Bruce and Damian's front.

Is it still batfam dynamic? Also yes.

In this movie, Bruce sells Wayne Enterprises because he believes that Bruce Wayne stops him from doing what's really important. Crime-fighting.

Harvey Dent hates Bruce because he believes that he has all this money and doesn't use it enough for good. And yes, he buys WE. Also, he works for Jason because they both think that Bruce owns half the city, yet he neglects the things he's supposed to love (This IS actually half of Jason's motivation. Gotham IS his city. It's just that it's more personally motivated)

So Jason sends Batman, Nightwing, Batgirl and Batwoman letters on where to meet him. There he gives them the location of four bombs. They decide to split up. When the bombs that Batwoman and Batgirl were supposed to handle were disarmed, he shocks them.

Btw, Babs and Dick have a fight going on because Dick didn't respond to her text. The reason? He didn't always want to write a thumbs up but something original, like a smiley face with a heart. When Barbara was under the influence of fear toxin, she saw a version of herself that claimed to be better than her and told her "he probably responds Starfire immediately".

He managed to shock Robin!Damian too, but Nightwing was with him and now they're trying to beat the shit out of each other. They even had a car chase, constantly made quips at each other and Jason launched a granate or something at his car so Dick will have to jump out, giving him the opportunity to also shock him.

Meanwhile Bruce is having a showdown with Two-Face at the theatre and Billy Batson, who wants to get an interview with him to earn money for the orphanage, is also there with him. In the end, BILLY had to disable the bomb because Bruce just straight up forgot about it???

By the way, he got to the theatre with another guy, but had to make the guys errands first, because Jason stole the tires from the batmobile. Bruce was so completely useless for this entire fight, he didn't even capture Harvey, he escaped. Everyone else DID. Sucks to be outnached by your family but my guy, I feel no sympathy.

So then Red Hood calls and says he has his family and they're gonna talk about this at home. So Bruce gets home, Jason says "Daddy's home" and rankd Bruce entrance as a 9.5 because the hero landing is so from last year.

Yes, so, anyway.

Damian, Barbara, Dick, Katherine and Alfred are all suspended in the air by their arms. Bruce reveals Jason's identity.

Damian: The second Robin? I thought he was dead!

Jason: You told them I was dead?!

Bruce: ... That's not what I said.

Bruce explains that he figured it out because the locations were personal clues tied to their civilian identity. And how one was the alley where Jason stole his tires the first time. Damian laughs and thinks it's so cool. Dick also laughs and imitates a lecture Bruce probably gave him after that.

Overall, a real nice bonding moment for the boys.

EXCEPT TWO OF THEM ARE HUNG IN THE AIR.

Aaaanyway, Jason accuses Bruce that he kicked Jason out, leaving him with no family, when in reality, Jason left because Jason rather wanted to play video games than go on patrol and one day Bruce pulled the plug. Jason had enough of "Bat-rules and Bat-curfews" and got on his bike and said "I'm leaving". He waited for a response, didn't got one and left.

Present Jason then told Bruce that if he'd cared, he would have stopped him. So Bruce shows him that he got daily updates from his satellite on Jason's adventures and Jason lets his family go.

My guy, a SATELLITE doesn't replace your parental supervision.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia

I'm so sorry you've been experiencing difficulties recently. I'm sending all my love and light your way and hope you start to feel a little less shitty soon.

P.s - Do you mind sharing your tiktok so we can follow you there too? Or is it a private acc?

Lots of love to you <3

It's not private! It's just not updated very often. Overall I'm more active on Instagram. But neither are private. The Tiktok is very art-focused so it might not be what you're looking for. But it's also pretty harmless overall.

And thank you anon <3

The last few days I had to stop writing and like...quickly redo my schedule for December and cut it back a little, which always makes me sad, but I'm trying to conserve my mental health as well as my physical. I realised I met all the criteria for a pretty serious depressive episode late last week (I have, alongside severe PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, which is the one that will kill me if I don't keep an eye on it -> though I'm happy to report I'm not like in a very like 'I don't want to live' space right now, I can just tell I'm feeling / experiencing a lot of the red flags that go in that direction), and if I don't act now, that tends to lead to pretty bad places.

So I've redone the schedule for December and that will come out likely on Friday or Saturday. And then I'll only be posting during January for half of the month, and not the whole month, and taking off two weeks re: posting. Hopefully these are the sorts of things which will head off me needing to go into hiatus because I desperately don't want to do that <3

I can already tell I'm doing a little better after being a lot firmer with some boundaries, and also just...with myself re: taking more time off. I wish I didn't feel so guilty about it? But that's not anyone's fault here, that's shit to work on with my therapist/s, lol.

Today I spent around 3 hours researching a response to an ask (whoops), and then realised - not through any one person's actions but a bunch at once - that I need to kind of stop engaging with facecast stuff (nothing wrong with facecasting, the problem is wholly on me there and I wish I'd seen that sooner and saved people some pain and saved me from some rudeness).

I put away the shopping (we have a really good grocery delivery system here which is great for my disabilities etc.), and had some raspberries, and put on the Christmas tree lights.

I was so tired at lunch that I could only manage a bowl of cereal (and couldn't eat breakfast. I think my therapist would be like 'why are you putting three hours of research into responding to something instead of focusing on eating food' but well, whoops? Lol. To be fair I thought it would be way easier to answer, but Tumblr's search function is SO broken).

I fed my wonderful cat, Maybe, and got some sleep in the afternoon and then did some writing (1,200 words) on Palmarosa. It's like 7.00pm right now, and I'm going to put up some chapter commentaries on Patreon and Ream.

Tonight I might do some watercolour art, and I'm hoping to finish Palmarosa tomorrow.

December is actually a hard time of year for me anyway. It's the month that has the most chronological / time-based triggers, and my therapists know this and I'm hearing a lot of 'how are you in the lead up to December' which is about to become 'how are you coping with December.'

I'm grateful for small pleasures. Like my dahlias are looking pretty awesome right now. Here's some photos of this week (some art I'm working on, Maybe being cute, or screm, dahlia, Christmas set up, T-Rex ornament, Santa Platypus ornament):

[starsoforionwrites]

So, I'm finally back to writing Nature of Purity after.... fuck me, 7 months without an update. And I thought I'd take a moment to talk a little bit about why I stopped updating it.

The Setup

When I started posting NoP it was, I thought, mostly done. I'd originally intended it to be about 20k words. I had a sketch for the the overall plan, and I'd written what at the time felt like about 75% of it. In fact, I'd been sitting on those chapters for a few months already, working on them here and there as the whim took me.

One of the reasons I started posting it on AO3 was to try and push myself to complete it. I'd never finished a fic before. NoP was actually the first thing I'd written in years.

So I jumped in and started posting, knowing that if I stuck to a weekly update schedule I had a twelve week buffer to finish it off. That's ages! So much time! And I only had a few more chapters to write really!

Things went fine for a while, although I was still really struggling to stick to a schedule. I mostly managed though. I know some of you sit down and write in huge swathes, working steadily for hours and churning out 20k words at a time. That ain't me. I flit in and out of my fics, working for 20 minutes here, adding 150 words there. I'll get tired of the section I'm writing and move down a few pages, adding a section title with a couple of bulletpoints of things that will happen.

If I work at it, I can hit 1500 words in an hour-ish. I'm quite lucky in that once I start writing, I don't get stuck. Staring at an empty page means sometimes I never start, but if I put words to paper then I can keep going, flow of consciousness, pretty easily.

But usually, 2 hours is about my absolute maximum for a session, and I pretty much max out at 2 sessions a week.

Anyway, around June of '21, THINGS started to happen in my life. Here's a fun list.

I got a promotion at work

My mortgage came up for renewal

I ended up buying a new house instead

I had to buy a new car

I had a trivial argument with some close friends that got blown out of all proportion

This literally all took place in a period of about two months, which is right about the time I stopped writing. I kept posting chapters, but I couldn't bring myself to write any more. I ran out of chapters to post in August '22 (although I had been checked out mentally for a long time beforehand), and then I fucked off into the darkness never to be seen again.

So yes this is obviously a mental health post

I've always really struggled with depression. It's been a constant in my life ever since I can remember. I was sent home from school several times when I was around 10-12 because I was inconsolable over nothing. Or had been laughing hysterically for hours. Or I'd been staring at a wall for hours.

Eventually they sent me to counselling, which I did not handle well either.

Things got really bad for me around 16-20, and then slowly I started to level out a bit. Eventually I mostly got a handle on it as I learned to live with myself.

That said, I still find it really, really easy to fall into depression. Days when I wake up and just think "no" and go back to bed are still not uncommon.

This is all a precursor to say that, that bullet-point list above? Yeah, I didn't handle it too well.

The promotion at work came with huge amounts of new stress. I was now a client-facing, team-leading, systems-architecting badass, and my workload roughly quadrupled.

Buying a new house is also, it turns out, ridiculously stressful. This is the second time I've been through the process, although the first time round I had a partner to do it with. This time, it was just me, and on top of that I was having to deal with the transfer of assets due to my prior mortgage being in both our names, along with a wildly fluctuating market value of property. I'm aware this is not a particularly relatable thing to bitch about (oh no, poor me, my hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of material assets), but at several points in the process it genuinely looked like it would all fall through and I would be left homeless in one way or another.

The new car was a fucking ridiculous situation. I previously had a company car, as a perk because they didn't want to give me a raise. This meant I could sell my car and was very cool! Then covid. The company decided to cancel the car policy, and I no longer had one at all. Then the chip shortage! Remember that? The price of second hand cars skyrocketed. Again, very stressful.

And then the nail in the cake, my friends situation. I'm not gonna go into it, but it was ridiculous. Like, a genuinely stupid argument over absolutely nothing important. These are people I've known IRL for fifteen years. But the upshot was, I didn't feel welcome around them anymore, so I just stopped showing up on discord.

I haven't spoken to any of them since.

Sooooo, all this shit combined together to leave me a barely functioning person. I just about held things together enough to get moved in. I unpacked. And then I more or less fell apart.

Don't call it a comeback

Eventually I crawled my way back out of my pit.

This is, genuinely, in no small part thanks to the wonderful comments I received while still posting NoP. I have saved many of these comments. The fact that people were engaging with the stuff I was writing brought me so much happiness, I actually don't know how to describe it.

Reading the comments from you guys, who are out there reading my work, literally makes me cry almost every time. I get weepy over it. I have to go and have a little sit down. I can't stop smiling. It uplifts me, even if the comment is something small and throw-away for you. And Christ, some of you write such beautiful things. My God. Are you for real? I want to hug you so fucking badly.

But I was left in a bit of a pickle. I couldn't face going back to NoP. I'd sit in front of it, and I just couldn't find the voice anymore. The exact state of mind I'd been in when I was writing Hermione and Draco bitching away at each other in the library was eluding me. I'd sit staring at an empty chapter, which just had headers in it like "Talking to Luna" and "Nott a problem" and I was like who the fuck wrote this what does it mean??

But I wanted to write again.

And I had so many WIPs. Like no lie I have about thirty, that range from one-sentence descriptions of a vibe, to heres-a-complete-first-chapter-and-nothing-else-lol-figure-it-out.

And one of those WIP's was actually fun, and breezy, and easy to write. Epistolaries are so fucking easy my guy. Like they're so easy. You don't have to worry about any of that other shit! You don't need a plot, or to set the scene! You don't need to force yourself to describe what people are doing as they talk. They aren't doing anything! They're just writing letters! So easy!

For reference, I find dialogue absolutely trivial to write. It's everything else that fucks me up. So heck yeah epistolaries.

And it was a LOT of fun. Especially those first few easy-breezy chapters. Especially when you can leverage the fact that everyone reading knows EXACTLY what's happening in the background, so you can just drop allusions to it here and there in dialogue.

So I began posting The Penpal Program. And, because it was mostly canon-compliant, it got heavier and darker towards the end, but still stayed pretty light and fluffy. I had a few hiccups here and there where I (as I am wont to do) did no writing at all for three weeks and then had to have a massive catch-up session in the 11th hour, BUT I completed it.

And again, the comments throughout the whole process kept me going. It's actually crazy how much it makes my day to read a comment.

And, throughout all of this, I've been conscious of not updating NoP. I've had a couple of comments here and there asking for updates, and they've made me feel guilty. I've looked back at one specific comment made on the last chapter I wrote, letting me know they had faith in my storytelling. That they couldn't wait to see what happened.

And I feel like I let them down personally. Like I've just been the most useless, selfish, worthless asshole for seven fucking months. And I know that's crazy and depression and etc. etc. (I do know that), but still. I want to finish the fic. For them. And for the rest of you, who have commented, or not. Who hit the kudos or the like button or the bookmark or who didn't do any of these things and just kept the tab open and refresh it once every month or so. And also, for me. So it's done. Because it's not the longest fic ever written, or the fluffiest, or the darkest or the most realistic. But it's mine, and I'm proud of it. I've loved writing it. I love reading it back, because I'm a slut for reading my own stories. I love the way I feel every time I see someone else like it. I love sharing it with you guys.

And so, I'm writing it again. And I'm going to finish it. As I write this I have two chapters left to go and then it will be complete. I'm going to complete it before I start posting it again. I don't want to throw a single chapter up and then lose control again and disappear.

I said there would be four chapters to go, but there will actually be five. Three of them are written.

I also have a couple of "scenes from the cutting room floor", which I think I'll just chuck on here for you pack of reprobates to read. Or maybe I'll put them on AO3 as part of a series, loosely affiliated.

Either way, The Nature of Purity will be complete, and should be updating on AO3 within the next few weeks.

Sorry for wasting almost 10k words (fuck me) on this explanation of why I've not been writing, but I figured fuck it, you might wanna know.

Anyway as a little treat for reading so far have a little snippet form the next chapter of NoP.

"Merlin Hermione," George said, interrupting her. "I don't give a shit about your exams! Tell me about Draco dearest. I mean, when he stormed in here at Christmas and read Harry the riot act... Honestly, he got me all hot and bothered!"

"George!"

"Oh come on babe, I'm only human! Besides, I was only looking at him."

"Well keep your bloody eyes to yourself you git!" she snarled, as George and Ginny both giggled and exchanged significant looks.

"Relax love, he's not really my type you know? He was just all... I dunno. Commanding!"

"Oooh yeah," Ginny cut in. "I know what you mean. He's a bit... angular for me really, but he looked very.... stern didn't he Georgie?"

Hermione resumed drinking her tea, tuning out the background of Weasleys singing the praises of her betrothed. For Merlin's sake, Draco was right. They had no bloody decorum.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 303: And What, Pray Tell, Is a “One For All”

Previously on BnHA: The Todorokis (really just Enji) looked at their children and went “how can we screw up all four of them in uniquely different ways” and proceeded to do just that. Touya was all “just because practicing how to set myself on fire better hasn’t worked to win my dad’s affections YET doesn’t mean it will NEVER work”, because child logic. Turns out setting oneself on fire real hard isn’t so effective at winning affections, but is actually incredibly effective when it comes to burning oneself to death, so there’s that. Back in the present day, the Todorokis basked in their various misplaced (again, except for Enji) feelings of guilt, and were all “anyway but get over yourself already Enji, you still have to do something to stop this kid”, and Shouto was all “I’ll help too”, and Enji was all “(╥_╥)”, and Hawks and Jeanist were all “[surreptitiously listening in from outside the door]”, and that’s basically where we left off.

Today on BnHA: Hawks and Jeanist are all “mind if we join you on this family journey?” and proceed to stroll in uninvited with their puns and their perceptive insights. Hawks is all “so to sum everything up, we’re fucked, but at least you have us here to help you out! by the way, no clue why I’m the first person to ask this in three hundred chapters, but wtf is One For All.” We then cut to Deku, who’s still all “[(－－)]z”, and All Might, who is all “I’m just going to ignore the extremely loud racket going on right outside this room.” Which, btw, is happening on account of Bakugou, who is all “(╬◣Д◢)” as Satou, Tsuyu, and Mineta cart him away. Anyway so that’s a lot of antics, and also it looks like Hawks has gotten tired of the Todorokis refusing to put the pieces together on their own about OFA and so he is fast-tracking that shit. And meanwhile Deku is chatting it up with the Vestiges exactly like we all thought. And now we have to wait another whole week for updates on all of this. This really is not fair.

omfg lol

“our bad, we were kind of accidentally listening in on purpose.” like I said last week guys, no fuss. it’s a tradition

OMG

I am absolutely fucking floored. Hawks literally said that so casually that it’s impossible for me to rewrite it so as to be even more casual. that’s literally what I would write in the “today on bnha” section. in fact I probably will write that

(ETA: just for laughs I tried it and it really worked.)

a couple more things to point out about this panel: 

“TOP 3” omg yes. more like “top only” at this point, honestly. interested to see how that goes

Hawks’s phone is freaking the fuck out about something, calm down there

I know this is a standard Jeanist hair-fixing gesture that he does all the time, but I can’t help but form hypotheses about this being a stress reaction because Hawks’s hair is making him internally freak out. Hawks, if this man tries to get you alone with him and some hairspray and a comb, please for the love of god do not listen to him. get out of there and call the authorities

omg Shouto’s face

okay confession, I wasn’t really sold on the whole “Shouto has a schoolboy crush on Hawks” thing until exactly now, when I became 100% sold on it. that is adorable

and heck with it, gotta show Enji and Rei’s reactions here as well because lol

“omg my son who’s not my son, and he just overheard everything about me being a terrible shitty father and person overall, oh and plus my actual-son set him on fire and called him out on a national broadcast. I’m just gonna stare at him baffledly.” versus Rei, who is all “hmm, who are these people”

so Hawks is all “I got released from the hospital after one day for some reason so I made Jeanist drive me around places while we talked about life” but uh, heyyyyy, what’s Rei doing

okay, uh

SO FUCKING FORMAL OMFG. “SORRY MY KID TRIED TO BURN YOU TO DEATH, APPARENTLY HE DOES THAT” REI NO IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT

HAWKS IS ALL “I’M JUST GONNA LAUGH SINCE THAT’S MY DEFAULT RESPONSE TO BEING PROFOUNDLY UNCOMFORTABLE”

let me tell you a secret Hawks, it’s my default response too. ahahahahahahaha oh thank god Jeanist is helping her up -- AND MAKING A JEANS PUN, OF COURSE. IT’S BEEN ALMOST THIRTY SECONDS. MY MAN WAS DYING

“WTF IS ILLEGAL DENIM” he’s talking ‘bout them counterfeit jeans, Rei. Antoine Bugleboy knows

THANK YOU JEANIST!! OUT HERE ASKING THE RELEVANT QUESTIONS

damn straight. we’re not gonna sit around waiting another 300 chapters for this information on this man’s watch

now Hawks is telling Endeavor he used to watch videos of him all the time, and calling him his “childhood obsession” I can’t

OH MY SWEET STARS AND MOONS

1000% CANON. “SO CLOSE...” ARE YOU SERIOUS. YOU REALLY PUT THAT THOUGHT BUBBLE THERE AND EVERYTHING. “GOOD MORNING EVERYONE, SO JUST IN CASE YOU WEREN’T ALREADY AWARE, TODOROKI SHOUTO IS NOT ACTUALLY STRAIGHT.” HORIKOSHI KOUHEI I AM LITERALLY DUMBFOUNDED. THIS IS AMAZING

and meanwhile that look on Hawks’s face while he casually-but-not-really-casually-at-all asks this question. that phone app better be using his actual voice. I’m not sure I could take this scene in the anime at this point if it was like Alexa talking or something

that look in his eyes is basically saying that so far, based on the information he has absorbed up until this point, Hawks is prepared to view his former childhood obsession as a flawed but changed man. however I get the distinct feeling that depending on Endeavor’s answer now, he would be willing to drastically shift some of his opinions on him

(ETA: this is maybe my favorite panel in the entire chapter. the fact that his question isn’t addressed to anyone in particular, but his eyes are zeroing on on Endeavor. and the way his leaning-on-Shouto pose manages to be simultaneously nonchalant and yet ever-so-slightly protective. there’s so much going on in this one question and gesture and I’m mildly obsessed with it.)

however, Rei is all “that was me” and ONCE AGAIN WITH THE FACES IN THIS CHAPTER holy shit

Hawks definitely did not see that one coming sob. it’s so fun watching him frantically recalculate his ideas about this family every two seconds

DAMN IT HORIKOSHI I UNDERSTOOD THE PARALLELS ALREADY, YOU REALLY DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THIS

yes, Hawks, you get it. it’s not exactly the same, but it’s close enough. though unlike your shitty parents, Rei and Enji are at least trying

OKAY I SERIOUSLY CANNOT WITH ALL OF THIS

fljkdlaskfjlwkjl okay we’re doing the bullet-points breakdown here

first of all, the fact that poor little Shouto’s heart is still thumping away at this proximity and all he can think is “CLOSE” all intelligently as he stares at him with that face omg

and meanwhile Horikoshi has these STRATEGIC BANDAGES WRAPPED AROUND HIS CHEEKS TO HIDE ALL OF HIS SHOUJO BLUSHING omfg. SENPAI NOTICED YOU SWEETIE!!!

HAWKS YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY ZERO OBLIGATION TO WASTE ANOTHER SECOND OF YOUR LIFE WORRYING ABOUT THESE TWO ASSHOLES WHO NEVER SPARED YOU THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF REGARD OR CONCERN IN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES. THE NICEST THING YOUR MOM EVER DID FOR YOU WAS BUY YOU A $2 ENDEAVOR PLUSH FROM THE DISCOUNT BIN TO KEEP YOU QUIET, AND YOU WERE SO AWED BY THAT ONE ACT OF SORTA KINDA APPROXIMATE KINDNESS THAT YOU SHAPED YOUR ENTIRE WORLDVIEW AROUND IT. PLEASE LET ME PICK YOU UP IN A BIG HUG FOR JUST A SEC, YOU DESERVE THE WORLD AND YOU WERE ONE THOUSAND PERCENT JUSTIFIED IN LEAVING THEM IN THE DUST THE SECOND THAT YOU COULD

but all that said, he immediately recognizes that Shouto would also have had cause to do the same in his situation, and yet hasn’t. and so he has that much more admiration for him all of a sudden, which is just super sweet, and fully appropriate. Shouto does deserve props. I’m choosing to take this as an “it takes a lot of strength to be able to forgive, and people who choose to do that even though they’re not obligated to are really amazing" type of thing, as opposed to “people who don’t forgive other people who severely wronged them are bad.” and if I’m wrong and Hawks’s line here is meant to be seen as actual failing on his part, well then fuck that, but we’ll move on

SO NOW, DOWN TO BUSINESS!

I am so, so curious as to what kind of strategy Hawks has for this (if he even has any), so I’ll just be quiet now and read

so Hawks is summing up basically what we already knew -- that Tomura and his inner circle (curious that there’s no mention of AFO, because if Hawks doesn’t know about him, that implies almost no one does) are still on the lam with a few PLF stragglers and some High Ends; that a bunch of prisons have been “liberated” (I assume this means all of the inmates escaped, so if that’s the case then where’s Kurogiri??); that the HPSC is fucked; and that heroes are resigning all over the place, and so civilians are taking matters into their own hands

OH DAMN!?

does this mean we’ll actually see some international heroes?? I will LOSE MY DAMN SHIT omg

(ETA: apparently people who paid more attention to the first BnHA movie than I did recognized the silhouettes as belonging to some background characters from Two Heroes. so maybe they were just cameos and they’re not actually new characters who are soon to join us lol. oh well.)

anyway so Hawks agrees with the other Todorokis that Endeavor has no choice but to fight

awww

DON’T WORRY ENJI THEY’VE GOT YOUR BACK. WITH YOUR FLAMES, AND JEANIST’S PUNS, AND HAWKS’S BOYISHLY GOOD LOOKS, THE THREE OF YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MINDS TO

so Enji is very pertinently asking why they’re standing by him in spite of the... [gestures vaguely to everything]

oh my lordy lord

Shouto you had better do something to combat this soon, or this man will sneak past you on my favorite character ranking after all. his face. his cheeky lil finger gun. the fact that he sums it up so fucking simply. “if someone is trying to do the right thing, I want to support them.” exactly. exactly

(ETA: and one last thing I love but forgot to mention, which is the fact that Hawks calls it a team-up despite the fact that he is clearly in charge.)

meanwhile Jeanist is all “as for me, at this point I just straight up don’t give a fuck”

I can’t handle how fucking cool this chapter is you guys

so Hawks is all “you good?” at Enji. and Enji...

if anyone needs me, I will be building myself a discourse-proof fort made entirely out of problematic characters. I don’t even care. I will go on living my life very happily in here

lol at Natsu being all “BUT DON’T THINK THIS MAKES US FRIENDS”

I’m living for this weird and no-doubt entirely unintended implication that Natsu and them all are gonna join in the fight with the rest of them. I mean, they do presumably all have very powerful ice quirks. and Natsu has medical training on top of that, and Fuyu is skilled at getting eight-year-olds to behave which could be a useful talent for dealing with Tomura hahaha I kid, but I’M JUST SAYING. who needs hero licenses anyway

OH SHIT FINALLY SOME DISCUSSION OF AN ACTUAL STRATEGY. even if it’s just a PR strategy

WHAKLHL

and now for some reason we’re flashing back to Natsu and Fuyu’s attempts to navigate through the media crowd outside the hospital

well I guess this is why I’m not the mangaka. if I were writing this I would have done something trite and predictable like using that “One for All” line as an excuse to cut to Deku!! as opposed to this entirely unrelated scene!!

seriously though why do we need to see this lol

no one in this crowd has ever heard of Alexander Dumas huh. or even the popular 2007 Disney Channel original movie, High School Musical 2

so now there’s an entire page of Hawks saying they need to know what One for All is, and Endeavor having one of those patented Todoroki WHOOSH realizations lmao look at this

just wait until this man figures out that one of the scrappy new interns he took on three months ago was actually the main character all along

SKDFIOHWIERLKSJGLWLK!!

NOW IS PROBABLY A GOOD TIME TO ASK MYSELF WHY I CHOSE THIS CHARACTER WHO KEEPS DISAPPEARING FOR SIX OR TWELVE OR FORTY CHAPTERS AT A TIME TO BE MY FUCKING FAVORITE. WELCOME BACK SON PLEASE DON’T SCREAM YOURSELF TO DEATH YOU STILL HAVE A HOLE IN YOUR TORSO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(ETA: can we just take a moment to appreciate how Bakugou even got so close to Deku’s room in the first place though. in this giant hospital with no idea of where to even go. does he have Deku Radar or something.)

YOU SIX ARE OFFICIALLY ON MY HIT LIST!! SPARE ME YOUR GOOD INTENTIONS!! MY BAKUDEKU REUNION KEEPS GETTING POSTPONED WEEK AFTER WEEK!! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HEROES WHERE IS YOUR CONCEPT OF MERCY

(ETA: btw just to be clear, I’m not actually angry lol; it makes total sense that they don’t want this rampaging feral toddler who was still in his own coma all of fifteen minutes ago to come and start screaming at the other coma child until he tears all his stitches out. if there’s anything we Bakugou fans should be familiar with by now, it’s being patient.)

also, Tsuyu wrapping her tongue around Bakugou’s still-healing torso wound absolutely can’t be hygienic at all. also wait is that Inko??

(ETA: pretty sure it is her. she got all of one line smdh.)

Iida is all “thank god Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight pulled through, I thought for sure he was a goner back there”

for the record this is actually really sweet to see how relieved he is. he’s one of the few people who saw the original injury close up, back when he was still at the battlefield and unconscious, so I imagine it really did freak him out quite a bit

JIROUUUUUU

“sometimes I just like to stand here and tug on my imaginary suspenders, what of it”

how come you guys get to loiter around Deku’s room but Kacchan doesn’t. god fucking dammit. AND WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN

I BET KACCHAN COULD WAKE HIM UP FROM HIS COMA WITH THE POWER OF RIVAL INTENSITY!! BUT NOOOOOOOO, [is dragged away back to my fort]

OH MY GOD!?!

"this seems to be an entirely normal and above-board situation that we have just stumbled onto”

I see Jeanist comes from the Iida Tenya school of respectfully using people’s full names

Jeanist becoming one of the main characters is the best thing to ever happen to this series

EXCUSE YOU, IIDA

BUT I’M SURE HE’D MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR KACCHAN THOUGH!! [elbowing my way back out of the fort] HAWKS, PLEASE --

DON’T GO ALL OMINIOUSLY PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER ALL ON YOUR OWN GODDAMMIT

“there’s absolutely no way this angry wriggling shoulder burrito kid here could answer literally all of my questions, so I’ll just ignore him”

OH MY GOD WE’RE FINALLY CUTTING BACK TO HIM BUT THE CHAPTER IS ENDING

[jumps up, throws a folding chair at Iida and the rest of the gang, and then runs]

oh my god. actually this chapter was awesome. but I’m so fucking mad at this cliffhanger though lol

at least we got a couple of answers! and some hints and teases! poor Deku looks so worn out even though he’s asleep dlwkjl my little green baby. and is it just me or is his quirk activated?? All Might’s all “I can feel it” as if it isn’t obvious just looking at him, why are you trying to be all mysterious dude

anyway! so at least we finally have confirmation and a date for those vestige antics at long last. looking forward to meeting Mister The Fourth next week so we can finally ask him “hey dude, what the fuck”

[pebblysand]

[JUNE ‘22] - THE LIFE/WRITING UPDATE NO ONE ASKED FOR (AND SOME QUICK LINKS)

hello, hello! happy pride month! believe it or not i almost forgot june meant pride, i’ve been so tired lately it almost feels like jetlag and all i feel like is to ask: sorry, what month is it again? anyway, i hope you’re all doing well! i’m sorry for the lateness of this post, my mum is visiting at the moment and while i certainly aimed to write this ahead of time, it seems that life has caught up with me once again ^^! 

anyway, before diving into more life/writing updates, here are some quick links to different blog pages you might not see on mobile :

FIC MASTERLIST [updated]

FIC RECS 

WRITING ADVICE 

ORIGINAL PIECES [updated]

OPINION PIECES & ASKS [updated]

THE FANFIC WRITER’S CRAFT (NEW PODCAST)

[NOTE: i am currently not accepting prompts]

Castles (chap 11) ETA: i’ve finished chapter 11 but i’m working on trying to get 11, 12 & 13 out as a block at the same time. more on that below. 

links extended a/n-s: chapter v ; chapter vi & vii ; chapter viii ; chapter ix ; chapter x

[more life/writing updates under the cut]

WHAT I’M READING:

i’ve read absolutely nothing this month. like, idk, i’ve been writing a lot and dealing with return to the (physical) office at work - it’s kind of drained my energy. i’m going to galway and edinburgh later in june, though, so as i most often read when i’m travelling, i’m sure you can expect some more book/fic updates in next month’s post :). 

.

WHAT I’M WATCHING: 

i’ve already spoken about the lincoln lawyer in episode 2 of the podcast which will come out soon but in other news, i watched: 

‘

anatomy of a scandal: i know this one has received mixed reviews but i actually really liked it. for context, this british mini-series centres on the story of a politician who is accused of rape by a staffer who he used to have an affair with and deals with themes of cheating, sexual assault, consent, etc. while i think that, yes, of course, the final reveal (if you’ve seen the show, you’ll know what i’m talking about) was extremely foreseeable (and kind of unnecessary to the story, imo) i feel like that’s not really the point. i thought the way this series showed the wife’s point of view in the case, rather than only the victim’s or the perpetrator's, was very clever (a-la the good wife, in a way) and refreshing. i think this series was also very good at showing how many of these men who have recently been accused of assaulting women do not, themselves, even see these incidents as assaults. they don’t understand/were never taught consent (were actually taught that being “strong” and “manly” was the opposite) and are now “shocked” when it’s coming back to haunt them. the main character’s constant refusal to admit he did anything wrong, and to even see what he did wrong (when he very clearly assaulted this woman) was so striking and intelligently put, though so incredibly shocking. also, though i’ve no experience in trial advocacy specific to the uk, as a lawyer, i felt like the trial scenes weren’t too cringe, which is always a plus. overall, i thought that this show delivered very well on what it promised, even though it could have done without that final reveal.

‘

i’m not sure if this is something that fits into the “watched” category but something you may not know about me is that i used to be (and to a lesser extent still am) an avid watcher of youtube content, specifically in the uk youtuber sphere. as such, i was very pleased to watch dan howell’s comeback video “why i quit youtube” which i found absolutely fascinating. if you are interested in social media in general, i would highly recommend you checking it out, i think it offers an amazing perspective on the pressures of internet “fame,” the content “treadmill,” as well as on the inner workings of social media companies. specifically, this quote: “never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity” which, as someone who works in tech, is honestly an industry motto. i think most people outside of the industry don’t realise how new and “amateurish” most tech companies (including big ones like facebook, google, etc.) still are. working in tech is literally just a bunch of people constantly trying to figure shit out that didn’t exist half an hour ago, and finding out that that shit sits with some random engineer in sf and who left the company five months ago without telling anyone. as sorry as i felt re:dan’s experience, i can totally see how this was the result of complete negligence, rather than outright malice. additionally, one thing that i really loved in his video is the way he was like: everyone thinks youtube is “homophobic” and that’s ludicrous, everyone who works for youtube is gay! i genuinely laughed out loud. honestly, it’s true. while advertising in most tech companies is definitely a problem re: content that is promoted and whatnot, the employees and the companies themselves definitely have a much more liberal agenda. every job i’ve been in in tech, i’ve grown to generally assume people are LGTBQA+, until told otherwise hahaha. tech is such a welcoming environment in that way, it’s one of the things i really love about the industry. 

additionally, i also watched the our father netflix documentary this month, which was fine but i’m still sitting here wondering why not just charge him for fraud. i mean, legally, i understand it’s not rape, but it’s certainly criminal fraud? this case is so bizarre. lastly, i also finished s2 of smother. this is an irish thriller mini-series - i really enjoyed s1, but s2 was a bit much in fairness. the number of times i said “ah, stop” to myself while watching it was honestly too high for it to be considered good. plus, the “cliffhanger” ending? again, “ah, stop,” please. 🤣though i won’t lie, it’s always nice to see ireland on screen :). 

.

WHAT I’M LISTENING TO:

not really what i am listening to but what you are listening to: lani and i have a podcast!!!!!! honestly you guys, this is so exciting!! we put in so much work into creating this lovely thing and getting you guys’ feedback and kind words has made it all worth it. as you’ve probably gathered, we’re still figuring things out as we go along in terms of sound editing, recording (i discovered three days ago you have to pay for hosting lmao) but we hope to get better as we go along. our next episode will be live on the 10th of june, so stay tuned for that!!

(and of course, we’d love to hear from you if you wanna be featured/have a topic you want to discuss - my dms as well as the podcast’s ask box are always open :))

additionally, in terms of podcasts, i really recommend the laughs of your life episode with aisling bea! i just love doireann garrihy’s podcast generally, it always brings a smile to my face and i really admire her ability to sustain an entire podcast with the same set of questions she asks all of her guests. and, god, do i love aisling bea! she’s such a funny, wholesome person, and this entire episode felt like a big hug. 

in a completely different genre, if you’re interested in social media and its economics, i would highly recommend the waveform podcast with hank green discussing tiktok monetisation and economics. i thought it was wholeheartedly fascinating and hank green is such a huge source of knowledge when it comes to these things. 

aside from that, top five songs currently are: 

que tout s’danse by noé preszow - i reckon this one is kind of on this out. i mean i still love the song but it was very much the inspo for chap 11 of castles, and that’s written now

the kids are all rebels by lenii - same as the above but also i love lenii so much. i’ve been following her for a few years now but it was so nice to see her finally get the traction she deserved on tiktok over the pandemic!

mockingbird by eminem - em is back in my top five which should surprise absolutely no one. i’ve been listening to this song (which imo is one of his absolute masterpieces) a lot while writing chap 12 of castles. and, it’s funny, i talk about this more at length in ep 2 of the podcast but it’s not that chap12 has anything with the actual content of the song, it’s more about the “rhythm” of it and the way the song makes me feel. obviously eminem is a huge inspo for castles (i mean, the fic is even named after one of his songs) and i think i just sort of relate to the pacing, phrasing, and tone of mockingbird.  

tea & toast by lucy spraggan - listen. like everyone else, i’d obviously previously heard lucy’s hilarious song last night about “the fear” that she sang at the x-factor a few years ago, but omg this one is a whole other level. the first time i heard it (on tiktok, may i add), this song gave me chills. this woman is such an amazing story teller and i have so many emotions about this song - in just a few weeks, it’s become one of my absolute faves. 100% recommend you giving it a listen!

anthem by yonaka & barns courtney - another upcoming castles song that’s probably on the out. 

.

WHAT I’M WRITING:

i have made So Much progress on castles last month, i’m so chuffed! it’s certainly been exhausting and a lot of work - with the podcast, the tumblr stuff, writing castles, etc. it sometimes feels like i have two full time jobs at the moment haha. and it feels odd because i know you’re only getting to see the half of it because i’m waiting until i’m done with chapters 11, 12 & 13 to publish, which believe me is the evidence of So Much self-control on my part, haha. it’ll all be worth it, though, i promise. 

at this point, chapter 11 is done (just maybe in need of a few edits to iron things out once 12 & 13 are done as well) and i’m about maybe 75% done with the first draft of 12. what i am hoping for at the moment is to finish everything (i.e. writing, edits, etc.) by the first weekend of august, so that i can publish everything before my three weeks of holidays and really take my mind off things. i will say, though, writing castles has been a joy since truly getting back into it. it’s funny with this fic, whenever i leave it to the side for a while, i find it really hard to come back to. but once i do, it’s always such a rewarding experience. it can very difficult to write at times cause it’s obviously a very intense story, but it always pays off in the end.  

lastly, on a writing-but-not-really update, i know it's annoying but i ended up signing up for the "tipping" feature on tumblr. not that i actually expect anyone to tip me but idk, i had set up a tipee a few months ago cause i think iirc, one person asked, but then i couldn't be arsed to maintain it, so i thought having it integrated to tumblr would be better. obviously, i wouldn't say no if you wanted to buy me coffee to fuel all those hours spent writing castles 🤣 but i'm not really expecting anything lol. also hosting for the podcast is $12 USD/month so if you want to give towards that, feel free to, haha. will obviously continue doing it regardless, and i don't want to run ads on it cause that seems silly 😅.

.

WHAT I’M DOING:

i’ve loads of travelling scheduled for june! i’m very excited for it, but also hope it won’t get too much in the way of writing haha. i’m going to galway and the aran islands with my mum this weekend, which is always a treat. then a friend of mine is turning 30 and we’re celebrating by going to edinburgh next weekend (if anyone has any tips, let me know). she’s a huge hp fan as well so we’re hoping to go take pictures of the train (lmao), hopefully the weather won’t be too bad. then, the weekend of the 25th i’m going to london again! i went in february for a gig that ended up being cancelled so i’m flying back now to hopefully finally see it. i love london though, so i’m sure it’ll be a lovely weekend. 

other than that, yeah, a bit tired at the moment and feeling like i’m working all the time but hey, i suppose i’ll sleep when i’m dead haha. 

anyway, i think that will be all for now. i hope you all have lovely month :). 

lots of love, 

pebblysand. 

[mayz1er]

hi i have a headache and a new wip

tbh i just use read more so my long talking doesn’t clog up peoples feeds. however i do have a headache and i shud probably eat something but. i’m too tired and not that hungry so it’s okay.

anyways new wip. i think i’ll have it shorter than brpt. on second thought it will definitely be a lot shorter than brpt because i think i will collapse if i write an 150k word fic again. i kinda want to have it maybe like 30-60k? and like. 6 chapters. because i personally really like thick condensed chapters. did i word that right, i don’t know, my head hurts.

i refuse to have an updating schedule for it. maybe that will change in the future but no no no no. please just. imagine being me. please imagine writing 10k words in 5 days. yes it is a feat. yes it was enjoyable. no it was not good for my overall health. ok i’m incredibly exaggerating i’m just really bad at managing my time and i have a horrible sleep schedule. or actually i used to but i’ve been sleeping earlier bc i remember how much i fuckin love sleeping. anyways. oh my god i genuinely accidentally trained myself to wake up at 6 am naturally and writing nonstop until 8 am. like i just did that. and i finished like 3 chapters doin that and i had to write on mobile during the whole thing. that was an Experience. god i love condensed fics. i see a 50k word fic with 3 chapters and i go wild.

i think religion will be a major theme. like i guess it was in brpt but im thinking bigger. i feel nervous adding like, big real references to catholicism/christianity because i would be writing based off my experiences but i don’t want to offend people?? i don’t think it would offend people but what if it does?? i don’t know. this might never be published at all. i have a headache. i forgot to say it’s gonna be an immortal au.

it’ll probably have more human tones. like. about humans and people. fuck the word is humanity it’s gonna have a lot of themes about humanity. because i think human beings are interesting and i like to lock them in a bird cage and watch them under a microscope and write what i see. yeah. okay. i have a headache. humans are so interesting. everything about them. us. and then what draws the line of human and inhumane? very cool thoughts. i love thinkin about humans, i sound like a fuckin alien. okay. okay.

i’d also like to explore two distinctly different like povs? two people with distinctly different mindsets. HEY I JUST REMEMBERED THE ACTUAL PLOT I PLANNED LMAOO IDK WHAT I’VE BEEN WRITING FOR THE PAST 7 MINUTES

picture this. immortal who has lived and met so many people that eventually they’ve lost track of everything. they are immortal, they haven’t died, so people see them as a god. picture this. person who has been taught to praise and pray and whatever religion thing whats it called? would it just be believing? yeah, person who has been raised to believe in this immortal but has also been traumatized by the religion, and then immortal and traumatized church boy meet. ha what a funny sentence might use that in a summary. fuck head hurts. okay. that’s my idea for now.

it’s gonna be c!tubbo centric again bc i love him and i accidentally managed to not say any names so guess if tubbo’s the god or the traumatized church boy. idk. fuck he was already a church boy in brpt. fuck fuck fuck. shit. okay. okay i’m done now.

[mcustorm]

45 M/M Gay Movies, Ranked

The other day I bit the bullet and decided to watch Brokeback Mountain for the first time. All I knew about that movie was that it was basically the CMBYN of yesteryear and somebody got killed with a tire iron. Anyways, so I finish the movie and realize that I’ve seen a *lot* of gay movies, especially in the last couple of years. So here are my rankings according to nothing but my personal preference. I won’t write about all of them, but you can ask about something if I leave it out.

I wish I could give you a rubric for this. The reality is, there are some radically different movies on this list with different tones and intentions. There’s buddy comedies, tearjerkers, small indie features, big theater releases. So trying to rank them all is TUFF.

The Way He Looks - Such a beautiful coming-of-age movie. Maybe the 2nd one I saw on this list? Perfect length, perfect characterization, simple yet compelling, clever. And nothing feels better than reaching a happy ending (for once, because some of these movies’ endings-- SHEESH) that’s been earned. It just hasn’t been topped.

2. God’s Own Country

3. Pride

4. Kanarie - Yea, we don’t talk about this movie enough. It’s one of the most recent that I’ve seen. Beautiful. The way that it references apartheid and the war to reflect the protagonist’s feelings? Flawless.

5. Jongens - The first movie that I saw on this list, gets many a bonus point for that.

6. Moonlight - Yes, I am black. Yes, I understand this movie may be too low. Moonlight kind of scares me. In general, there’s not nearly enough discourse surrounding this one for me. But while it’s not exactly a popcorn-muncher, to me it’s the most personal movie on the list. When I look at Chiron and all that he’s been through, I can’t help but draw parallels to my own story up to this point. It holds a mirror up to me in a way that no other movie on this list does. That makes me uncomfortable.

But it is so poetic. Have you guys seen the script for this? The directing, the SOUNDTRACK, the acting. Phenomenal. 

7. Weekend

8. Call Me By Your Name - Yes, I am aware of people’s beef with this one. Yes, I understand a lot of people may feel this one is overrated. While I do think this one gets worse on rewatch, the truth is, it’s not really *that* overrated because hot take: most (meaning over half) of the movies on this list range somewhere from “just okay” to “painstakingly bad”.

It’s the score, the cinematography, the subtext in most all of the dialogue, the acting, the way that you can smell the apricots through the fucking screen. People who say this movie is a vacation ad are fucking CORRECT. One of my biggest gripes however is that it’s too fucking long. And uh, that age difference...

And Armie Hammer’s a weirdo...

9. Dating Amber* - Dating Amber has one of those “Duh” premises that sounds like it could’ve been done like 30 times before yet I can’t think of any other examples of it. So what you’d think would be a wacky premise actually turns out to be a frankly poignant movie with an emotional story arc for the main two characters.

10. Hello Stranger: The Movie* - This movie, which is the first sequel (sorta) on the list, frankly had no business being as good as it was. Even though the web series is required viewing, I felt the movie fixed like all of the series’ issues: pacing, lack of compelling drama, the awkward quarantine format. The drama and stakes are there without us having to visit Angst City. And the theme and the ending reprise is HEAT.

11. Uncle Frank* -  Uncle Frank is like The Help of gay movies. Like The Help, it’s *overall* a short, sweet and fluffy movie set decades ago. Like The Help, you’ll still come out of it feeling pretty good even though it has some dark moments. Also like The Help, you’ll wonder after the fact if the central white girl absolutely needed to be so...well, central for this story to be told. Bonus points for Paul Bettany and Character Actress Margo Martindale.

12. Brokeback Mountain - Tragic.

13. Moffie - Set during the South African border war, same as Kanarie. You even hear the word “moffie” throughout Kanarie. Anyways, this is a war movie for the gays, and a very intense watch. I liked that it was a much more realistic view of what a soldier endured during that period, and of course on the flip side I thought it was more thorough in its depiction of the rampant racism. I gotta find a good book on this era.

14. A Moment In the Reeds

15. Get Real - Maybe the most out of place movie on the list. I need to rewatch it. I do recall absolutely loving the score, however. Like, I fucks with this:

16. Freier Fall - When I finished Brokeback I was like, “Wait, wasn’t that just Free Fall with extra steps?” And yea, it kinda is. But even discount Brokeback is still pretty good.

17. Beautiful Thing - There are few things to like about this one, the relationship between the two guys, the mother’s love for her son even though it’s not all rainbows, that nice little final scene. I did not care for the dark-skinned woman being portrayed as, you know, the drug abusing, school dropout, gossipy, butt of jokes neighbor. But that guy really looks like Tom Holland tho.

18. Love, Simon - It’s at this point that I move from “Yea, that movie is good, you should watch it!” to “Look, you may like it, you may not.”

19. The 10 Year Plan - This movie is so fucking cheesy that there was cheddar coming though my speakers. But when I think of “Hallmark/Lifetime, but for the gays” this is the crown jewel. There’s some other movies on this list that could’ve taken some notes.

20. The Christmas Setup* - The trend of fluffy-white-gay-cable-network-movie continues and in good form. It’s not deep. It’s not really thought provoking. It’s cute. Fran Drescher is there. You should watch it.

21. Giant Little Ones

22. Hidden Kisses

23. Alex Strangelove - In a unique twist, the emotional core of this one is arguably between Alex and his girlfriend. All that ends up happening, however, is we the viewer keep wanting more Alex/Elliott scenes; those are the most electric in the whole movie. The end result is a hot yet endearing mess.

24. Fair Haven

25. The Thing About Harry - Freeform’s attempt at making a cheesy rom-com for the gays. It’s...okay. I personally feel like the main character’s friend is highkey trifling but it’s whatever.

26. Your Name Engraved Herein* - So I guess I’ve decided I officially hate angst. I mean, I get how it’s often necessary to tell an effective story, but I’m just not here for 2 hour indie angst fests that get passed off as “high art” anymore. I cannot do it. Somehow this is Brokeback’s fault...there just has to be a better way to tell gay stories in the 2020′s. Anyways, the last song was fuego.

27. The Perfect Wedding - Easily the most bizarre movie on this list. It’s so bad, I liked it a lot.

28. Naz and Maalik - The first half of the movie with the two leads just riffing is some pretty great stuff. The back half starts throwing plot developments that are just less than interesting.

29. My Best Friend

30. The Curiosity of Chance

31. Being 17 - Boring. Angsty.

32. And Then We Danced

33. Center of My World - Has some of the most trifling characters EVER. I was so angry. This movie for me has *0* rewatchability.

34. Just Friends

35. 4th Man Out - This movie was basically “a bro/Hangover-style movie, but for the gays.” I absolutely love the intention, but the execution was a little shoddy. One day we’re gonna get a flawless movie that nails what this movie was going for. I hope we remember this movie whenever that day comes.

36. Latter Days - So fucking preachy. 

37. GBF - Another bizarre one, but at least this movie gets how wacky it is.

38. Beach Rats

39. Shelter - I’ve noticed a lot of people like this one. To that I say...yikes. Remember that scene from Family Guy where Peter says he doesn’t care for The Godfather? I did not care for Shelter. It insists upon itself (not really, but still).

40. Handsome Devil

41. Esteros - It’s at this point of the list that we shift from “Movies that are the definition of ‘ight’ “ to “These movies are bad. Bad. BAAAAAD.”

42. Monster Pies

43. Were the World Mine - I couldn’t even finish it. Wanna watch a better musical? Go watch Kanarie. Wanna watch a better Shakespeare adaptation? The Lion King is the movie for you, or even fucking She’s the Man.

44. North Sea Texas - So boring. I actually think this one may need a rewatch, because I swear it shouldn’t have been as terrible as it was.

45. Salvation Army - I have no idea what this movie was going for. I understand that it is autobiographical, however...it simultaneously barely has any plot or character developments. This one has shades of Beach Rats, but it’s significantly worse, and I didn’t even like Beach Rats that much.

So that’s it, thanks if you made it down this far. I guess I’ll update the list as I inevitably watch more of these. I would love movie recommendations! 

[chocosvt]

(below is a mix of rambling/more discussion/some updates on where my blog is heading, read if u wish)

to be frank, at this point, i don’t think an apology statement is in sight. pledis has proved time and time again how manipulative and apathetic they are as a company. even the bare minimum - making a small edit in the clip which would have removed the offensive segment - is ignored. no matter how vocal this fandom was, pledis chose to do absolutely nothing. they would rather preserve clips of their artists normalizing an abhorrent, discriminatory song than issue a simple statement, leaving south asian carats to ruminate in this nauseating uncertainty and exhaustion. and it seems to unearth the question: “is this a space i want to be in?”

it’s not anyone’s place to dictate one’s opinion on whether or not they feel comfortable in this fandom. this name doesn’t just encompass kcarats. it’s global. it’s everyone whose decided to support the group so dedicatedly. the way svt have adapted the term “global idol” is questionable when taking into account the ignorance that has been demonstrated. this is nothing new or nothing that hasn’t already been voiced, but seriously, idols shouldn’t expand to a global platform if they’re going to be selective with their respect. 

around 2018-ish, i couldn’t keep up with any group apart from svt, nor did i truly want to get involved with other groups. since their debut, svt has been such a lovely source of happiness and comfort. even when i had to endure some of my toughest moments, i could always turn to them in order to regain strength. so admittedly, observing the complete silence from their end was disheartening. i’m not part of the affected culture, so i cannot begin to imagine such sentiments of disappointment. i do feel a strain on the relationship i once had with svt. 

watching ww’s live, it was unsettling and there were many moments of stiffness. i want to believe that ww would have apologized (dk + vn too) if pledis were not the complete control freaks they establish being, but truthfully i don’t know what’s up in his head nor his heart. nonetheless, this idol coddling is so toxic (i could really write a whole essay on this). they’re not some fifth graders, they’re matured men in their twenties who are more than capable of understanding any cultural insensitivies and how their actions entailed hurt. i was relieved to see so many fans actually holding them accountable, to a point where the original artist himself released a statement and even the damn news got involved.

i wish that we could have got even an inkling of closure. just that tiny, tiny moment where ww briefly mentions the song being cut out. many people have suggested to remain persistent with emailing (not just the pledis accounts, but the bighit accounts as well) and i’ve seen others suggesting to opt from buying tickets to the online caratland event. i can’t see this ending in a manner where any action will be taken. unless someone manages to sneak this topic into another online fs or something along those lines where there’s direct contact, i have no idea what’s gonna happen.

this was a mentally and physically draining week. i hope all south asian carats who had to yet again watch their culture get shaved down to these harmful stereotypes take the time to look after themselves, nurture themselves, step away from this train wreck and prioritize things that are fun and healing!! it’s not your responsibility to educate ignorant people when so many resources are easily accessible. getting into kpop comes with an unhealthy cost. the industry is blanketed with casual racism and it moves slower than molasses when it comes to addressing the layers of disrespect and indifference. 

i also need to question if this is something worth my energy. i’ve been writing on this platform for five years now. i need to decide if this is something i want to keep putting effort into. i’m beyond tired of witnessing pledis brush any serious concern under the rug while scrambling to make amends for insignificant matters that no one legit cared about apart from a few disgruntled kcarats. right now, i’m not in a mood where i want to post svt content or write svt related stories. until there is an apology that suggests actual remorse, growth, and willingness to be evolve in the event there are other blemishes (which seems highly unlikely) i won’t be as present as i used to. 

overall, i’m not sure the direction of my blog. i think i need to step away from chocosvt for a few days so that i can really process. my plans are definitely not to abandon my main. and as time passes maybe i’ll feel less hesitant. 

of course, i’m going to continue my admin position on caratwritersclub because i truly do love writing! i love reading the different works and seeing how galaxy brained you all are! in terms of my own writing, it’s most likely going to come to a standstill. i might finish my massive kmg fic and post it (as well as the yjh and ljh fics in my drafts) but like i previously mentioned, i need to question if keeping up with svt as adamantly as before is worth my energy. i’m not saying i’ll NEVER write or post about them again. writing is one of my only mental escapes that legitimately works. rather, i might ease off and ponder what’s the best road to take, and how involved i should remain as their fan. 

whew.

to end off this gigantic scripture, i’m going to mention that i made a new personal blog. my old one is too cluttered. it’s not completely ready yet but i’m  thinking that i’ll make a smaller post which summarizes some of my ending points. i’ll link it there. i think some kartists will still make an appearance (and there will absolutely be mr. moon wen junhui), but mostly other things i’m interested in!! feel free to drop a follow and mutuals i’ll fb as soon as i can!!! if you read this entire thing then i hope it wasn’t too disorganized. if any part of this comes across as over speaking or invalidating pls let me know! i can really freakin ramble when i’m just sitting here w my thoughts. 

anyways, I’M DONE NOW.  

[boomerang109]

*looks at my fic, which hasn’t been updated in 4 weeks (other than edits because i Didn’t Like It) and i’ve now driven myself into a horrible writers block immediately after outlining the entire thing possibly because i have outlined the entire thing and i forgot where i was going with this but am i sending it anyway yes i am please god tell me to write someone threw my motivation out the window and it’s all muddy now and i don wanna touch it oh god what even is that metaphor see what i mean about the writers block anyway ily cant wait for the next chapter of wwda get it out when you can don’t stress ily bye*

don’t tell me why my brain is like “yes we can answer this but we’ll combust if we look at any messages.” there’s no logic but i’ll get around to your messages and everyone else’s there. (to everyone waiting for like two sentence answers who’s seeing me post paragraphs, i’m sorry. the braincell does not function)

the way that i’m in YES! i can help! mode even tho i myself am lowkey in writer’s block which means i’m not qualified at all ajfhjghfgfdjghj

first of all: outlines are just to guide you. they stress me the fuck out too (which is why i’ve refused to put my wwda outline to paper, despite the fact that this means the timeline is absolutely fucked. like it’s in my brain, but if i put it on paper i’ll try to stick to it and i’ll freak out--see my month long break when i had an “outline” for chapter four). you can have goals for chapters (ie, lay groundwork for foreshadowing/character development/etc) but overall? just let yourself sit in front of the computer and vibe. don’t think about where you’re going, just think about where you are. 

“i don wanna touch it oh god what even is that metaphor see what i mean about the writers block“ this? this is you judging yourself while you write and i don’t want to see ANY of that shit. writing is a process and editing is a thing, but when you’re doing your first draft you just gotta word vomit. sorry that’s a gross phrase but that’s what i do. and honestly? most of wwda is barely pieced together word vomit. idek why anyone likes it, but they do. and even if they didn’t--nothing would exist if you don’t put something to paper to start with.

apparently this advice doesn’t apply to everyone (i still can’t process @hella1975 ‘s writing technique like what the actual fuck) but for me one of the big things with writer’s block is starting where i want to start and just writing whatever fucking scenes i want. idk if that makes sense so i’ll put it into the context of wwda. so when i was still in my fucking intensive class i wasn’t writing cause i didn’t have time except for like a few minutes before bed at like 3am. now at 3am i’m not gonna write suki and azula being rivals cause i can barely handle that dynamic when i’m Focused. but at 3am i’m sad as fuck and i generally like to peruse the ao3 dadkoda tag, so instead i just wrote my own dadkoda scenes for much later (although they’re not actually that far off) in the fic. are they gonna need some editing cause i was just like ‘maximum angst even tho this scene is supposed to be about healing’? yes. yes i was. now the other day on the plane (when i really should’ve been working on an essay i didn’t end up finishing) i was like okay, i need to work on something actually relevant to chapter 12. but i’ve worked myself into a corner with my azula & iroh scene so i didn’t want to deal with that bullshit on two hours of sleep and also being called “miss” and other female terms in the airport got me all in the gender feels so i was like oh! i’ll write some more enby aang! and i wrote this like gorgeous passage or two on aang’s gender feels. and yeah, it probably makes no sense for aang cause i wrote it from a pov that was too much me and not enough aang, but the point still remains. i skipped to a part of the chapter that was important to me. and then i realized that aang could be having these thoughts in the context of another scene which led to . . . and there i was with somewhat of a complete thought for the chapter. 

also along those lines, if you’re having writer’s block you gotta look at that block. what’s wrong? is there something wrong with the story up to this point? is there something you don’t like about where you’re going? is there something you really want to write that you’re not letting yourself write? 

cause the thing is, we’re not professional authors. we’re fic writers. we do this for fun cause we love the characters. so if you’re not loving the characters for some reason, you shouldn’t force yourself. take the pressure off yourself. this fandom is so supportive, they’re not going to rush you (literally look at the fact that even as you say you’re excited for wwda you also tell me not to stress) and remember to apply that to yourself. it’s okay to need a break, whether that’s cause the vibes are off or cause you’re tired or any other reason. 

i tried to write a bunch of different thoughts cause i know different things work for different people, i hope at least one of these ideas help. i literally haven’t looked at wwda even though i really want to be writing (and i still haven’t been reading fic). sometimes our brains just don’t cooperate. and yeah, i could sit here and yell at myself and go “what the fuck boom you’ve been looking forward to writing for literal weeks and now you have time and you’re doing other stuff what is wrong with you” and sometimes it’s really tempting to give into that. but the truth is i don’t usually do as much work as i did the past few weeks on as little sleep as i got so i’m really fucking tired. and so i’m giving myself a break. and i’m just not emotionally prepared to read fic cause--oh oops i hadn’t admitted to myself until right this second that i was avoiding fic cause i’m suppressing my feelings that kinda hurt wtf this wasn’t supposed to become therapy hour wtf. but as dumb as all that feels to put, i’m not gonna delete it cause i’m sure you’re gonna read it and say something along the lines of “it’s okay to rest and wait to read/write if that’s what you need!” cause you’re a nice person. so say those things to yourself IF that’s what you need. but if you’ve been sitting in bed for weeks and don’t have any reason not to write, maybe it’s time to word vomit. or if you have a problem with your story maybe you should look at that. just, do whatever works for you but be gentle with yourself. give yourself the same kindness you give others. whenever i’m not sure how to handle something (or how to treat myself ig), i’ll ask myself how i would give advice to a friend. so maybe try that. look at yourself, your writing process, your fic like it’s a friend’s and be like hmm. what would i recommend my friend do? and if weird rambley advice that probably displays my many years of therapy is helpful to you, then know my inbox (and my messages that i swear i’ll answer some day) are always open. i’m not gonna read this over cause i know if i do i’ll be too embarrassed to post so i’m just hoping it’s helpful. much love <3

[ghostsofmemories]

Insect Poison Update #1

Before you check out this post, please remember that the fight against police brutality is still happening, and education is critical. All proceeds from this shop are still being donated to the BLM organization and will continue to be. More designs have been added since the original post was made, so be sure to click the link to find something you like.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, feel free to jump over to my WIP introduction! I should mention that Aaron Bennett’s has been changed to Jack Bennett because I had a cool title idea for chapter 2 and needed to change his name for it to work.

So, I managed to spit out the first chapter in a couple days! It’s been difficult, but also way more fun than I was used to writing being (probably because I’m writing something I actually enjoy—who knew I was capable??). I wrote every day for five days in a row, counting today, which is wild and something I haven’t done since my NaNoWriMo days (AKA the first time I wrote this book).

Chapter 1 of the book is basically an intro to Robert and Ramona’s dynamics as (twin) siblings and a short look into how their mother interacts with them. I know the prose for this chapter could use some more work, but I think there’s a lot of character here that I liked exploring.

The chapter has three scenes: a scene where the twins are at the lake together, a scene where they’re eating dinner with their mom, Emily, and their older sister Lori, and one where they’ve stayed up late to eat cookies their mom baked for Church on Sunday.

(oop this update turned out a lot longer than I thought it would be) (CW for like, one teeny mention of drugs)

Scene 1: overhand throws are superior

In this scene, Robert and Ramona leave the house to go to the lake at the end of the street, which they’re not supposed to go to by themselves. They get into a bit of an argument that ends with a pair of shoes in the water.

The lake wasn’t big or clean or pretty, but they didn’t care much about those things. They didn’t mind the algae that tugged at their ankles or the rocks that are so sharp they gave off the impression of wanting to cut you open. It was all they’d ever known.

Since they weren’t supposed to be at the lake, they also weren’t wearing their swimsuits. They swam in their T-shirts and shorts, with Ramona’s sweater lying where the sand and the grass met. Their shoes were tucked underneath it, as if anyone would want to steal their too-small shoes with cracks in the rubber and holes in the fabric. As if their appearance wasn’t protection enough.

The water was cold enough to bite. It made their jean shorts cling to their legs, and they swam stiff and tight so they didn’t have to feel the friction. They did that for two hours; they were rebel children, breaking all the rules.

^ this part was overall just pretty fun to write, and the last sentence is definitely my favorite because of what happens next:

“Mom’s going to be so mad when we get home,” Robert said, treading water and staring his sister down. He didn’t see himself in her face the way everyone else did. Maybe it was because he spent more time with Ramona than he did with mirrors. Maybe it was because she wore her hair in two, rust colored braids and his was short and brown and untameable. Maybe it was because he almost never liked Ramona, but usually, he liked himself.

“Mom’s going to be mad,” he said again. She wasn’t going to be, but Ramona played along anyway. She kicked her legs a little faster, trying to keep her chin above the water like her brother could.

“Too bad,” she said, “we’re already in the water. She can’t do anything.”

The twins knew their mother wouldn’t be mad. She wouldn’t be mad if they were there for four hours. She wouldn’t be mad if they waltzed into the house dripping wet from their hair and clothes, right onto the freshly mopped kitchen floor. She’d mop it again without a second thought. She’d ask them how their afternoons went.

I love this part because I got to explore how Robert and Ramona almost want to get in trouble if it means someone will pay attention to them. They want to get caught and be told no about something, but their mom is so absent minded (and high) that they can get away with whatever they want. In this chapter and probably further ones, we get to see them test exactly how far they can go.

Here’s the part where the fight gets introduced: Ramona’s ready to leave and Robert isn’t, but he also doesn’t want to stay by himself (even though he’d never admit that). He tells Ramona to give her the sweater she’s holding, presumably to dry himself off a little. Instead, he tosses it into the lake.

Sweatshirts weren’t exactly known for being aerodynamic and eleven year old boys weren’t exactly known for their underhand throws, so it didn’t go far. It landed pathetically into the shallow part of the water where their older sister used to take them to catch tadpoles in the spring (they would bring them home in buckets and tupperware and try to have their very own front yard aquarium. Their mother always spotted them and made them march back to the lake and dump dozens of them back into the water).

“Robert!” Ramona yelled, stepping into his space. He put his hands behind his back and stepped even closer. “Go get it!”

“It’s your sweater,” he said. He smiled and bent down to pick up a rock, mostly because it looked like the sort Ramona would bring home and put in a box with three dozen others. He forced his hand into his wet pocket and let it sit there, wrist deep in clinging fabric with a rock clenched in his fist. Later, on the way home, he’d toss it into the grass and never think about it again.

We can see here that Robert is a little unhinged and manipulative, and really wants to get a rise out of his sister and see what she’ll do. Her response is to be even more unhinged and manipulative:

Robert watched as she sat down to put on her shoes. He saw her stand up and toss his sneakers right into the water, one after the other, socks still tucked inside.

Eleven year old girls weren’t known for their underhands, either, but their overhands could be surprising if they put some energy into it. The shoes sunk into the bottom of the lake, and the twins stared at one another as if to agree, just this once, to end the fight before things got worse.

Ramona didn’t smile. She took no pleasure in being wicked. Still, she’d be the first to admit that she took more than a little pleasure in her brother’s silence.

Scene 2: pork and potatoes and corn.

Time for dinner! This scene was fun and mildly uncomfortable to write.

Emily Bennett was nothing if not a creature of habit. She thought this was her greatest secret, something to hold close to her chest, but the things she tried to hide were always smeared down to her sleeves.

“Just in time!” She said, her smile wide enough to call a canyon. She still had silverware in her left hand and a stack of cups in her right, and stared at the next seat in line instead of looking at the twins. Her mind was only at rest when her body was in motion, and even then she struggled to drown out the noise. “We’re having pork and potatoes and corn. Go get your hands washed so you can eat, and let your sister know it’s dinner time.”

And a little later:

You kids are so quiet these days,” she said, setting her glass on the table. Condensation was already forming on the outside of the glass. The twins took turns shifting in their chairs, trying to escape from a heat that didn’t seem to bother their mother or Lori. “What have you been up to?”

The three of them looked at each other, trying to decide who would take one for the team. When eyes settled on Ramona, she spoke up. “I re-organized my rock collection this morning,” she said, and took a bite of mashed potatoes to avoid saying anything further.

“Oh, that’s nice honey. You’ll have to show me later.”

Ramona had no intention of showing her mother the newly cleaned and sorted rocks, and Emily had no intention of looking. They were simply humoring each other.

“Mhm. I think I might have found some amethyst.” Ramona was thought amethyst was her mother’s birthstone (it was, but after no comment from her mother about it, Ramona was sure she’d gotten it wrong).

“How’s the corn?” Emily asked, taking a bite of it and following it immediately with large gulps of water. The glass was half empty.

Lori spoke up. “Good. Same as always.” She wished, for a moment, that she could rewrite the sentence in her mother’s mind. It’s good, mom. Did we get it from the store or the farmer’s market? Could you show me how to cook it the way you do? She didn’t bother with these types of questions because Emily never taught her things when she asked. Lori couldn’t recall the last thing her mother had taught her.

I can’t really describe it, but the family dynamics are exactly how they need to be. I want there to be a certain feeling of tension and uneasiness when everyone is in the same place, but a tension they’ve all gotten used to. 

The last scene is when the twins are stealing cookies and getting ready for bed, which I’m not sure is totally necessary but I think it further shows their dynamics so it can stay for now.

“I’m tired,” Ramona said, trying to dip her cookie into a glass of milk she’d almost finished. “I think I’m going to go to bed.”

“I’m not tired,” Robert said, popping open a tupperware dish and reaching into it carefully, like the cookies might disappear if he moved too fast. “Want another one?”

“We have to leave some, otherwise mom’ll notice.”

“She won’t do anything about it,” he said, pushing the bowl across the table to her, “you can have some more.”

“I don’t want anymore. I want to go to bed.” Ramona stood to rinse out her cup at the kitchen sink, the tile cool and grounding under her feet. Robert left his glass on the table and the cookie bowl with the lid half on. 

“Fine, I’ll just go to bed, too.”

Not to continue telling every bit of psychology surrounding the characters’ actions, but this part is interesting because again, both of them are aiming to get caught and get into trouble, but they refuse to do it without the other. Robert starts everything and Ramona finishes it before it gets too far.

The chapter ends with them getting ready for bed and Ramona hearing her dad’s truck pull into the driveway, meaning he’s home for a weekend before his next set of deliveries and destinations and whatnot. I think I want this to be the inciting incident, but I have to work on it more and figure out what I actually want to happen here.

Overall, the chapter clocked in at 2802 words, and I think after I go back and add some more description and imagery (which is definitely where I’ve fallen short so far), it should end up around 3000-3200. I really enjoyed writing this chapter (I think this book is by far the most exciting project for me, and is going to help me figure out what I want to write from now on), and I want to talk more about how my process is going, but I think that’ll be a separate post where I talk more about process and music and all those little things that go into a writing session for me.

If you have any questions about the story or characters, want to get added to the taglist, or just have anything to say about it in general, make sure you do that in an ask so I can be sure to see it! My notifications are sketchy but I’ve never had an issue with ask notifications. 

Taglist: @coffeeandcalligraphy​ @alicewestwater​ @fliiik-art​

[dayseternal-blog]

Dude.

Over 10,000 Hits 🎉

I am alarmed, I have been alarmed from the start.

This is still a celebration post, but unlike my unashamed Nightdreams celebration post, this one is an unashamed reflection celebration post 🌱.  On something I’ve spent quite a bit of effort and time on, whether I actually finish this story or not (lol I will), it’s a story to be proud of.  And it’s something I’d like to articulate my feelings on before I end it for good 🎀.

Below the cut is a very long trash love letter 💌 to myself and anyone who’d like a peek at my narcissism.  I am a slut for self-reflection.

Ahead of that, thank you for enjoying my stuffs everyone 💝. 

I often think to write for myself and for fun, that no one else will love my fic more than me or have more fun than me...  That’s idealistic.  That’s a mindset to keep.  Especially as a new fic writer when no one recognized my username, it was a way to keep myself from losing motivation.  May agitosgirl always be my inspiration and role model🙏🏼.

But I wonder how can I return to that mindset in its purest form?  When I wrote It’s No Secret, I was ecstatic to hit 500 views.  I had about 5 readers who motivated me with their comments, and it was all very precious.  And It’s No Secret continues to be my favorite fic even though it’s far from my tightest writing.  (Isn’t it because I actually wrote that one just for myself?  Comments and kudos were all just bonus points.)

White Lilies is probably one of my least favorite stories.  If I were to rank my fics in order of preference, it would be near the bottom.  If I were to rank my fics in order of “fics I’d like NarutoDays (DAYS8) to be remembered for,” White Lilies would not be at the top, either.  I almost dislike that White Lilies is the story that caught people’s attention.

The best entertainment to me is inconsequential shows like HGTV, Say Yes to the Dress, and sparkly shoujo manga.  How is it that people don’t feel the same way??? lol jk

But to persevere in a story, that is a part of growth as a fic writer, too.  And to write for others’ enjoyment more than my own, that’s not a bad thing, even though I felt more stress...

OH but those White Lilies arts are certainly my faves.  Gorgeous and very good.  Yes.  Amazing on all accounts.  I wonder if I would have kept writing without them.    No?  Probably no, right?  Yeah, I would have stopped.  Since I started the story to just scratch the itch “Medicine” gave me.  Once that mosquito bite faded around chapter 3, I was ready to move on.  But now, very tangibly, other people I admire very much in the fandom spent actual time and effort in creating lovely pieces for the story.  I was blessed and that’s not something to ignore.  I mean, I could have.  At the most, that would just be disappointing.  At the least, White Lilies would be another hiatus fic in my list.  

Jeez, but it would be even more hypocritical to not acknowledge that the attention was very nice.  I can go so far as to say that I expected someone to keep giving me the affirmation that this junk was good since I wasn’t giving myself any kick of enjoyment.  Is that still dishonest.  I think I told a reader of White Lilies that I don’t ask people for comments or kudos.  That’s true, I don’t ask.  But I’ve expected it for White Lilies for the past few chapters.  Ew.  That’s gross Days, I hate that.  What if I closed comments on the last chapter of White Lilies.  That might be good.  Well I don’t have a good enough reason to do that.

I wonder if that’s why I dislike White Lilies.  Not for its angst.  Not for its difficult feelings and its difficult romance...well, actually, no, I dislike White Lilies for those reasons.  But on top of those things, the story has altogether gone against my foundation and motivation in fic writing.  Did I have fun.  ?  The comment section at the beginning was very stressful.  OMG no I shall never forget that one reader who got way too emotional about the story and made my comment section such a mess!  Why didn’t that reader put their little comments into one big comment.  For real.  Plus, it was an anon reader.  Don’t anonymous readers need to put their email address in every time they comment?  How humbug is that?  My goodness.

Oh ho ho nooooo that one reader who freaking told me to fix my writing using Grammarly.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  AHHHHHHHHHH.  AHHHHHHHHHH

...

So after that when I moderated the comments, I actually started to enjoy reading comments again.  Huh.  SO ACTUALLY when did I finally not feel anxiety anymore about the comment section.  Not until Chapter 5?  But that was the chapter I wasn’t happy with and ended up revising the ending after I published it.

I mean to tell myself that it’s only this most recent Chapter 6 that I felt good and normal and 安心 and ホッとしている to update.  I’m not kidding myself, what I terrible thing to realize now.  No wonder I dislike White Lilies.  The overall experience has not been that great.

Well “great” is too general a way to describe writing this story.  There’s been many wonderful things.  The new attention and recognition and compliments and gratitude were amazing.  The art.  The playlist.  The funny reader impatience in the asks 👏🏼.

OOOOOOOh the Bookmark summaries!!!!  

Hilarious 😂😂😂😂😂.  I love these too much.  These summaries give me life.  White Lilies in a nutshell.

Ahh yeah.  So funny.  Those are so good.  gogohai been making me laugh since August.

Remember at the start, I was so confused by the hit count on chapter 1 🤔.  I thought it was a bunch of antis accidentally clicking in, or SasuNaru fans or something, so I made those notes at the top that clearly stated how I’m not anti-NH.  It turns out everyone’s masochists for angst lol.

Anyway, I know I’ll finish this story.  What a strange feeling.  I think it must be because I worked so hard through the slumps already between Chapter 3 & 4, and Chapter 4 & 5, and Chapter 5 & 6, I know Chapter 7 will certainly happen, too.  How nice.

You know, White Lilies, it is what it is.  I have desensitized from mean comments.  Like, I think comments can’t hurt me anymore.  I’ll just be like 🤷🏻‍♀️ in response.  The attention on this story boosted my ego so much that I now know without a doubt that my writing is good enough and anyone who tells me otherwise can go ahead bumbai get bachi.

That’s really good.  For how unenjoyable it has been at many times, I have definitely sacrificed “fun” for “the sense of accomplishment,” and it’s not wrong or less valuable to spend my free time seeking accomplishment and completion in something so inconsequential as fanfiction.

However this story flipped my sense of purpose in writing, where accomplishment became tied to reader feedback.  Accomplishment usually ties to my sense of fun and enjoyment.  Instead I’ve been seeking that sense of fun in the readers, whether through their own personal enjoyment or through the number of comments/kudos/likes/reblogs.  How boring is that?  Ah!  Very boring.  It’s not wrong to seek validation through the readers.  Many writers and artists want their work to be seen and enjoyed by many because the act of sharing is in itself joyful.  Fine.  Haven’t I just found this a very tiring way to go about posting my stuff.  

I am nostalgic for my mentality of two years ago.

It’ll be good to finish White Lilies.  The excitement will be done and over with certainly, and this same amount of attention will never happen again.  As one of the nerdiest nerds in one of the nerdiest corners of nerdy fandom called Fanfiction, it’s a privilege to have my imagination on so many other people’s browser, to transport so many people away from their real life problems to fake problems instead lol, and to participate in an exchange of ideas with other writers and artists in the Naruto fandom.  What a great thing!

It’ll be even better to focus completely on stuff that I actually like, though, won’t it 💖.

[not-poignant]

Hi, pia, have you ever heard of radishfiction.com? It's a mobile app specifically for serial writers and allows you to monetize your writing. And since you already have a pretty decent following I'm thinking it might be something you could use? Sorry if this is a weird ask but I adore your work and hate to think of you struggling to earn money.

I was looking at their policies and they allow explicit/dark stories as long as there are content warnings and also allow stories that have been published elsewhere. You'd have to read the policies yourself to be sure (not sure how the payment or tax system works) because I just skimmed them but it sounds good so far? I dunno 😅

Hi anon,

I did look into Radish early on (I got an email from them, actually, way back when).

I have been curious about it, I know that the pay is really terrible overall (some people are doing very well, but dollars to cents are still not really doing great compared to other places). I'm actually a member of several serialised fiction groups and Radish comes up a lot (the pros but also the cons).

The biggest issue is mostly time and labour. I'm a disabled writer with a lot of chronic illness/es. Sometimes just writing chapters each month is enough to burn me out. Putting up chapter notifications on Patreon, Discord, and Tumblr is so tiring that I wouldn't even consider notifying people on say, Twitter, even though that makes good business sense.

I could technically diversify into Wattpad and Royal Road as well, and post stories there, it's allowed. But the extra work involved is extremely intimidated. I'm not a healthy full-time writer who can afford to kind of...put everything everywhere?

I definitely haven't ruled it out, but sometimes the problem isn't that they allow dark material, sometimes it's just that there's no magical energy fairy who will come along and make me able to handle setting up yet another account, monitoring yet more tax forms, and having to advertise yet one more thing. Usually I don't like to commit to something like that unless I know it will work out re: profitability. And I'm not entirely sure it will, much with novel publishing, there are a lot of authors on Radish who are making 5-10 cents a month (or $1-5 dollars a month) with regular update schedules and appealing content. That's...a very poor turnaround for the labour involved in setting up and getting started and formatting and releasing. Are there successful people on Radish? Sure! There are also successful writers on Patreon too! And successful novelists. But for everyone doing really well with it, the vast majority won't be making anything more than pocket money (see: Me and novels when I thought that might really help my income).

The app serial market is fairly oversaturated with novelists breaking up their novels into little chunks and selling them as serials there, it's a hugely competitive market, and even many Radish authors are pulling out and moving to the Patreon model instead, because they just can't keep up. I think possibly I could make it work, but the demographic isn't one that wants sex scenes as long as I write etc. But anyway, it's definitely something I've thought about, we'll see what happens in the future!

[silyabeeodess]

FusionFall Writing Prompts: Oct. 2019, Prompt #2: Part 2

Part 1: https://silyabeeodess.tumblr.com/post/188155692184/fusionfall-writing-prompts-oct-2019-prompt-2

She dreamed she was running through Nowhere’s vast Catacombs.

Silya had only explored them for a handful of jobs, but she hated them.  Although it was littered with ancient structures that were the envy of any adventurer, it was easy to get lost in its series of winding tunnels. Even the nanocom’s maps didn’t always function properly in their depths.  

One really had to navigate them by memory, but, right then, she just couldn’t.  It would be hard enough in real life, but in the dream each direction she turned to seemed distorted and warped.  Any path she followed would shift before her eyes and she’d be forced to loop back to where she began.  Eyes stared at her from the crevices of the rocks, following her every move.    

Worse still, the whole of the Catacombs was incredibly unstable, almost like an earthquake was splitting them apart.  Debris rained down from above, threatening to bury her alive!  Before it could though, a rift began to tear through the tunnels with a single eye charging down it as though it were following a track straight for her. Her legs felt like lead.  She couldn’t move!

The ground beneath her fell away and she looked up just in time to see the rock—carved apart like a beast’s mangled fangs—close above to swallow her in darkness.

…………………………………………...

The young woman was jarred awake by the blaring alarm from the barrack’s loudspeakers.  After the initial shock had passed, she inwardly winced as she rose from under the thin sheets of her bed.  Her bunkmate was missing—she had probably already headed out for the day—but the other girl they were rooming with dragged herself out from beneath her own covers and shuffled off to the communal washrooms with a quiet ‘good morning’ mumbled under her breath.  Silya remained seated, rubbing her face as she tried to ward off a dull headache.

She didn’t usually get nightmares—not in the same respect that others saw them anyway—but they weren’t uncommon among Fusion Fighters.  It came with the job.  Between fighting monsters, surviving fusion matter exposure, travelling into all sorts of dangerous terrain, and facing death on a regular basis, a few bad dreams were inevitable.  

After filing her first report the night before, she hadn’t gotten much sleep either.  She needed something to help wake her up, I know I’ve got one of Grim’s sugar scrubs…  The reaper’s spa business had flourished in recent years.  Its products worked their way down to the soul, easily renewing the people who used them.  There was probably some kind of underworld magic involved, but they were so effective that most didn’t even question it.

Silya always had at least one carry-on tube on her for emergencies like this.  She dug it out of her pack and walked over to the small half-bath set in the corner of the room right of the exit.  The steady, cool water pouring from the sink felt good to her tired eyes.

She heard a faint click behind her not long after the alarm went off and saw a blue glow followed by an onyx blur spiral away from her bunk in the reflection of the mirror: Aoi, her Demongo nano, had zipped out of his nanochip and floated behind her.  His shrill voice dripped with amusement, “You look bad!”

Silya pursed her lips, still scrubbing her face, “Thanks a lot…”

“You turned a lot,” he continued, “in your sleep.  Did someone have a bad dream?”

“I’m doing just fine,” she raised her voice pointedly.  Undoubtedly, if her other nanos were awake, then they were listening too.  It was pretty much impossible to keep anything a secret between her team.  Silya glanced over her shoulder to return Aoi’s smug expression with an incredulous look, “What were you doing up that late anyway?  I’m pretty sure I had all of you turn in early.”

The previous day had been a long one for all of them.  While she and the other research participants were experimenting with their Spinal-ARCHs, all of their nanos were called in for a check-up.  They were fairly routine and nanos could be called in for them easily with the use of a Nano Station, but if their IE Donors spent any great length of time on the warfront it was also easy for some to fall overdue.  With so many of them at Tech Square all at once, the check-ups were even running over into that day’s schedule.

She wasn’t about to let certain, little demons miss theirs, even if she was starting to regret bringing them all at once.

“We did!” protested a fluctuating, courser—if somewhat feminine—voice as a flash of red appeared next. It was her Him nano, Risk.  He peered over her bunk with a lax disposition. “It doesn’t sound like all of us got our beauty sleep though—and don’t look at me!” he waved a clawed hand, “I can’t create nightmares!”

Turning off the faucet, Silya began to hunt for her sweat suit.  For all she knew, the experiments would be more of the same for that day; however, before they began, she didn’t plan on walking around the barracks in nothing but a spaghetti-strap tank and athletic shorts. “I’m fine,” she repeated, “You three just keep yourselves in check.  If you give anyone any trouble, you’re dragging yourselves out of that mess!”

“Perish the thought!”

She fought back a smile. Not all of her nanos were completely trustworthy—much like their original counterparts—but she had to give them some credit.  As much grief as they could give her, they actually were pretty good overall. They’d give her sass, but they’d also follow orders well enough and left most other people in peace.  So long as they weren’t ‘provoked’ anyway…  

Out of habit, Silya looked at the remaining sealed nanochip, but then remembered that their third demonic tag-along—Kuro—was probably in the middle of his check-up right then.  Being born from a shred of pure darkness, the nano scientists were taking particular care with him.  The last thing the Fusion Fighters needed was a bunch of tiny Aku clones running around, so they were always examined with the most caution.    

Aoi followed her as she continued getting ready for the day, “You’re going to be gone all day again?”

“Maybe,” she shrugged, reaching over to ruffle the blue flames of his head.  He’d been on her team for a while, but it still surprised her that they had such a gentle warmth.  As much as he would protest, he just wasn’t like the original Demongo. “I’ll leave your nanochips in the room, but you know the rules: Don’t leave the property, don’t bother the scientists or the robots, and—if you need me—always check with the people at Dexlabs first.”  Surely, they’d obey that much, if only to follow the two companies’ strict schedules: Almost everything in Tech Square worked on a clock, so falling out of it tended to mean falling behind, be it with meetings or meals.  

A note she was reminded of when the barracks’ alarm went off a second time.  This early, there were three: One to wake up everyone, one to hurry them on, and one to get them out of the door.  If they didn’t move, they’d spend the morning with empty stomachs.    

“Maybe you should pass on the morning routine,” Risk hovered over to her next, “Sleep in for a while.  If you’re not up for the tests, I doubt either of the four-eyed wonder-boys could blame you.”  

Despite his curt words, the hint of actual concern laced in them gave her a moment’s pause. Insults and banter, she was used to, but it made it more worrisome whenever they were serious.  Still, Silya reassured them as she stepped outside of the room with a confident grin, “If a bad night’s sleep were enough to bring me down, I think we’d all have something to worry about.  Let’s just get going.”

She would endure nightmares every night before she dropped out of the experiment.  Although she ran out of time before she could use the Ampfibian form for long, testing each of the others had been like something from a dream.  The Big Chill form’s wings were stronger and more capable of holding out to actually use for flight.  The Way Bad form was incredibly durable, as tough as any armor.  The Ghostfreak form’s tentacles were far easier to control than its predecessors’, deft and nimble as any other part of the body.   Silya would stay for as long as Dexter needed her if it meant she could keep playing around with the Spinal-ARCH’s update.  

That day’s schedule was risky as ever, but was also actually pretty boring.  Both Dexlab’s and Mandark Industries’ scientists needed to review all of the research participants initial reports before pushing certain tests further, so they’d just be testing how well the imaginary energy each form was crafted from handled against fusion matter exposure.  She’d practically just be sitting around for most of the day, so she could nod off in-between sessions.  

The hall outside was bustling with research participants hurrying around.  Even for the middle of the morning, there was more traffic than usual.  Everyone seemed on-edge with excitement to continue the experiments from where they left off.  Silya marched after them, not about to be left behind.

END OF PART TWO

Continue: https://silyabeeodess.tumblr.com/post/188285373604/fusionfall-writing-prompts-oct-2019-prompt-2

[klanced]

In your voltron rewrite... are u going to change any character designs? Is Allura still gonna have a British accent? Will Lance have brown eyes?

Yep! Here’s a list of things off the top of my head:

Alteans won’t have British accents, because the trope of “advanced magical species sounding like Brits” is old and tired. I don’t know what I’ll replace it with if I’m being honest.

That being said, I kind of like Romelle’s accent?? I suspect it’s supposed to be a British accent, but it doesn’t carry all the way. The way she rounds her words is interesting.

To be fair, it’s hard to describe accents in writing (unless you go for a southern accent and star’ writin’ ev’ry word like this) but ideally Allura’s voice would be more…. Obviously alien, I suppose.

For example, Alteans could have a different respiratory system! Maybe they have an extra lung, or their lungs are hard and hollow instead of spongy like ours. And hey, that could affect the way they talk! 

Maybe there’s an almost whistling noise at the end of their sentences. Or their voice lilts on the first syllable of every word, or there’s no concept of the letter “h” in Altean so when they try to say “have” it comes out more like “eave” (or something along those lines…) The possibilities are endless!

Brown Eyes, Babey!! (Tyra do not interact)

Lance has brown eyes! 

His pupils are also bigger in my rewrite than they are in canon but I have no way to like… Make that come across. But just know. He has medium sized pupils and they are a lovely shade of medium brown :D

Hunk has dark brown eyes, as per canon. I’d say his eyes are the second darkest shade of brown (Shiro has the darkest eyes).

Shiro’s eyes are dark brown, to the point of black (ASIANS REPRESENT)

I’m making Pidge (and, by extension the rest of Holts) have hazel eyes instead of amber ^^ I did some research, and I decided that under the sunlight, Pidge’s eyes look almost multicolored- They’re light brown around the pupil and more green towards the outer ring of the iris.

Keith’s canon eye-color is blue-gray according to the Voltron wikia but toss that junk out the window, babey!

I feel like Keith’s Galra heritage definitely influences his eye color/shape…

LMAO when Keith was like, three, he got really sick so his dad took him to the hospital and the doctors there were CONVINCED Keith had jaundice because his sclera are a pale yellow. It’s not really noticeable because his eyes are so dark and contrast against them, but his doctors freaked out and tried to get him admitted for further examination.

Texas Kogane was luckily able to pass it off as a family condition lmfao.

Like Shiro, Keith eyes are dark to the point of coming off as black. However, Keith’s eyes are actually mixed violet-dark brown. It’s not obvious at first because violet + dark brown more or less combines to make a kind of reddish black (think #47001F or maybe #5C003D) but if you take a picture of Keith with the flash on/shine light on his eyes in a darkened room, they WILL glow.

I will stan the Galra having tapetum lucidum until the day I DIE.

Also Keith’s pupils are more oval in shape because I like to imagine the Galra having diamond shaped/vertical slit pupils, so Keith having oval pupils represents how he’s a combination of his parents.

Altean eyes are honestly so cool and I’ll keep them, with some minor updates. Like heterochromia!

Allura specifically has central heterochromia (two colors in the iris, with an inner ring around the pupil and then an outer ring around that). 

Coran has complete heterochromia; his right eye is his canon navy-purple, while his left eye is a gray-green. 

In my opinion, Allura is the embodiment/heart of Voltron and I’m changing parts of her character design to reflect that.

Instead of having stark white hair, Allura’s hair is a very light shade of purple. Alfor had white hair, Allura’s mom (who I’m still in the process of naming) had dark purple hair, so Allura is a nice medium in between.

It’s important to me that Allura has a lot of purple incorporated into her design because 1) It’s my favorite color, 2) It helps distinguish her from her mom (there will be NO copy pasting in this house!), and 3) Purple is associated with the Galra, and I want to acknowledge the fact that Voltron was born of both the Galra and Alteans.

This is important set-up for my Keith and Allura co-leadership arc okay. There are things behind the scenes. Also I’m too tired to like, fully explain why Purble Is Good but before anyone gets worried this isn’t me setting up a Galra Apologist arc so don’t worry.

Her hair color would be somewhere between #EDE2EF and #F8F3F9

Allura has central heterochromia, as I mentioned above, so she’s got a few colors going on. I’m still. So torn as to what those colors are. I want to incorporate blue and black to represent how she has the potential to fly the Blue and Black Lions, but I’m also tired of blue eyes in fantasy genres LMAO. Also….. green eyes……… OR PURPLE.

Does anyone else remember that theory that Allura has a prosthetic leg(s) because I do and I still think about it ALL the time. Anyway Allura has a kickass robotic leg, and I’m suddenly getting strong Paninya from Fullmetal Alchemist vibes. Nice.

(Thinks about all my headcanons for Coran) heehee

Alteans have freckles!! Or something approaching freckles, they could just be a further extension of their facial markings lmao.

I like to imagine every Altean has their own unique patterns. Coran’s wrap around his arms and legs like jellyfish stings/waves. Allura has these spattering of dots concentrated on her shoulders and torso (heart of Voltron, babey!)

Lance’s hair is more wavy/slightly curvy in this universe than it is in canon. It also is just better overall because his canon hair sucks ass. Sorry ladies, but it’s true. 

Voltron has this weird thing for bangs. I don’t get it. Suffice to say, that shit is chopped off here.

I have no idea how to fully describe hair, but essentially: Lance’s hair now has a bit more texture, and he has more of it in general, so it doesn’t stay flat against his head. It’s short, but not cropped; there’s probably a little bit of give to it in the front, but not enough to call it a bang. He hates slicking back his hair because he’s insecure about his bigass forehead.

Hunk’s hair is HELLA THICK, like he has to keep it short or else it’ll get everywhere. There’s a slight curl to his hair, more in the back than in the front, and it all grows ridiculously fast. Ponytail Keith? Please. Ponytail Hunk is where it’s at.

Pidge’s hair is super funny to me. I mean, part of it is because it’s a ridiculous hair style, but it’s also completely impossible to replicate. Literally, does she gel her hair every day or something?? Nah. I’ll just make her hair a mix of curly-wavy and go. Also, instead of those knife bangs, she has a sweeping side-bang thing going on.

Keith’s hair is ugly but it stays because that’s literally just how Asian teenage boys are.

I’ll give him more hair-ties than canon does however. You thought turnip Keith was a one-time thing? You thought wrong.

Shiro having an undercut after a year of captivity is outrageously funny to me. Instead, he crash-lands on Earth with the most obviously self-cut haircut ever. Long hair was a liability in the gladiator pits, so Shiro made do with whatever rusty weapons he could find and a prayer. 

It’s horribly lop-sided. There are patches where it looks like his hair caught on fire, which it probably did.

Once they’re not in immediate danger of dying, Keith sits Shiro down and gives his brother a proper haircut. The Asian fade.

Allura likes to change her hairstyle every few days. Not because she’s particularly concerned about her appearance (Side-note: What would the beauty standards for a species capable of shape-shifting even look like??), but because styling her hair guarantees her at least an hour of personal time she can use to mentally prepare for the coming day.

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Assessment Update (Trigger warning)

Firstly, I am sorry for only just getting around to writing and posting this, I have had another very busy/long day with (haircut plus bloods/ecg and then staying in town to run some errands etc).

Anyway, as you know, yesterday was my pre-admission assessment at the Priory with my consultant (12th June). I am not going to lie, it was very hard to go onto the ward and to be there in general/have the discussions, however I think it was a good thing overall/went a little better than I initially anticipated (?)

The journey there was anything but smooth. We ended up being nearly an hour late due to sink holes and diversions (thank god for dad and a mini mindfulness/breathing book I had with me!!)

Once I had arrived, I had a 20ish minute meeting with my consultant (who is also one of the consultants on the ward) - the EDP I see was meant to be there but she didn’t come in the end *rolls eyes*

She believes that I need a short admission to help push me in the right direction/get me going, and that overall the best place for me to be is in the community

She said that yes she could keep me in for 9 months, get me up to a healthy weight etc etc, but that she does not think it would be beneficial (which is refreshing to hear something that isn’t just focused on weight/numbers)

She agreed that I need to have autonomy. It needs to come from me, not just have things “done” to me. I have proven that I have been able to make some changes in the community in the past and get to better places, so I need to pull from that.

We are initially looking at a 6-8 week admission

With the main focus being on the second ward that they have where patients are in either “progression” or “transition”

Sadly due to my current physical health, I will have to spend a bit of time on the acute ward (if the admission happens), but she did say that we would try to keep it to as short a time as possible due to the environment on there and needing me to get more practical support which happens on the other ward. Although we have to be careful not to slip into old grooves of trying to do too much too soon/expecting too much of myself and putting on a front.

In terms of when there might be a bed, this is an issue, especially as EDU beds are so short at the moment…

She said that the next bed under her is likely not for another MONTH.

Yes, a month.

She said that she was quite worried about my current “frail” state and that there is really no wiggle room at all and that if I want to have an admission there then I need to be holding my own in the community in terms of my weight and bloods not dropping anymore.  

I didn’t post about this before but on Friday afternoon I had a phone call offering me a bed at a unit in London for Monday….I was given 20 minutes to decide whether to take it or not. As you can tell I turned down it down (after talking to a few people) and my parents agreed with my decision, especially with the meeting at the priory only a few days away.

My consultant obviously brought this up and we talked about it for a little bit but yeah it is what it is *shrugs*

After about 20 minutes she took me onto the acute ward and we met with the charge nurse who was able to talk to me a bit more about the ward, what things would be involved in an admission and what would be expected, as well as answering my many questions that I had noted down.

It made me feel quite sad when my consultant described me as having a “severe and enduring eating disorder (SEED)”. idk. reality checks like this really suck.

The admission on the acute side, like I mentioned, would be kept to a minimum, however it all depends on how I am coping and what the staff think is best for me.

She gave me a handout with the timetable on and we talked a bit about how things work on the ward, social outings, the groups etc. which there are a few of, not a huge amount/not very much OT but there are at least some trips out each week and visitors are allowed.

I also had a chance to talk about a number of my worries, including that I tend to put on a front and act the good girl/perfect patient and shut off from staff and not want to make a fuss. She couldn’t answer any questions about meal plans or increasing or stuff like that as it is apparently all done on an individual basis after an initial assessment with the dietitian on admission.

In general though the food is pretty similar to what it was when I was there 6 years ago; you do your menu/have to make choices every morning for the day ahead - one light meal and one main meal - you can choose to have your main at lunch or dinner, depending on what the choices are for the day (it is the same food for the rest of the hospital). You start eating in the upstairs kitchen on acute but then you move downstairs to the restaurant when you are on the full meal plan and managing well enough.

I’m not going to lie, it was very hard being on the ward. very hard. There were a lot of very unwell patients, a number with NG tubes…and, idk, I suppose it brought it home a little more how real it all is?? although at the same time I still feel incredibly numb/emotionless.

After speaking with the nurse for a while, I went over to the progression/transition ward where I was able to speak to someone who is being discharged soon, which was really helpful.

She was so lovely and showed me around the kitchen, talked about how the ward works, her bedroom, the rules, how her time has been etc.

It is similar to when I was there 6 years ago but with quite a lot more in terms of therapy/OT input as well self catering snacks and having your own cupboards for food, having the opportunity to bake with the OT, be more independent etc. (although kind of annoyed that apparently the internet is still terrible there and the lack of signal too - boo)

I am still waiting for the unit to send over the patient handbook they said that they would get to me, which is a bit annoying but I am still suffering from information overload tbh so it is probably a good thing.

It was A LOT to try to take in over a short space of time.

I am still trying to process the whole experience: being on the ward (which I did find quite triggering even for just that short period of time), the other patients, the programme, the opportunities, as well as the potential reality of me actually being admitted.

My consultant was honest with me and said that although I am ear marked for the bed in a month’s time, she cannot promise anything as you never know what happens.

In all honesty, if I was offered a bed there for next week I think I would take it…

However we are talking a month at the very least…

which is quite a long way away and it is really messing with my head and causing me quite a lot of mixed/messy thoughts

The programme itself looks/sounds A LOT better than what I experienced at the Bethlem last year, especially with the acute, progression and transition elements fully “up and running” (when I was there it was quite new) so in that sense is much better.

They also seem a lot more supportive in general/have made changes from when I was there last for the better (?)

To be totally honest I don’t know where this leaves me now. L (EDP) wasn’t there so I won’t see her/talk to her about where this leaves everything until next Monday.

However from our session this week i do know that this does not mean that I can sit and allow anorexia to dictate everything and keep me stuck. As L keeps reiterating to me, I have to be making changes.

It is not that I don’t want to get better, I have just gotten so bloody stuck and feel so trapped and alone.

That is one thing that would be helpful in terms of a short admission - it would hopefully be a push in the right direction that I could then maybe continue from at home in the community. and not to mention that it would also give my parents a bit of a break from everything.

In terms of therapy I dont think there would be any 1:1 due to the short period of time I would be there. Although she did say that the length of admission is always up for discussion and it would all depend on how my OP workers want to work and how I am managing on the ward/if I can transfer it home on leave.

idrk how to feel right now. Or how I do feel. It is all so overwhelming and a lot to try to take in

I don’t want to have an admission but evidence is piling up that staying in the community really isn’t working and every person in my team (as well as my parents) are convinced I will be going in :(

And I suppose that is all there is to say really. I am left feeling a little clearer in some ways but at the same time not so much? it’s messy

and I am beyond tired after two very long and exhausting/tiring days. I know I can’t sit around and wait to try to process everything that is happening but I feel like I really need to press a pause button for a while in order to catch up with myself (which I know is never going to happen)

as we all know, there will always be another excuse or reason to put things off. Another reason why we are ‘different’ to others or why there are other people who deserve support more.

But it is all noise from anorexia to try to keep us trapped and stuck for even longer.

I am so tired of this existence. the thought of another admission terrifies me but not as much as a life time spent trapped here.

I wish that I had a positive revelation to end this on but alas, I have nothing. All I want is my bed and a good night’s sleep right now and some magic answer to whisk this all away (if only eh?). Thank you for all your messages of support and kindness over the past few days, it has meant more than I can express to know that I have not been alone in this x