#anyway today i woke up and chose devastation i guess

[pondphuwin]

alan & wen from moonlight chicken, 2023

the good side by troye sivan

[god-whispers]

feb 17

the witnesses are watching

"therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." heb 12:1-3

i just woke up from a vivid dream again.  i'm usually not one much prone to dreaming but that seems to be changing of late.  mostly they occur during my daytime nap.  the sleep is short and sweet and the dreams are intense.  it's almost like i am trying to get into them; to figure out solutions and be a part of them.

i remember a film from years back when there was some technology that allowed people to enter into other people's dreams, usually for nefarious reasons.  i don't think that was my intent though; more to help out the situation.

mine were mostly dreams which included departed loved ones.  when i was younger i remember hearing old people reminiscing about how so many friends and loved ones that had departed.  i guess what goes around comes around and now it is my turn.

the dreams are just so vivid and real though.  often i wake up and think, i have to tell so and so about that one.  oh wait, they're not here to tell anymore.  i would realize  it was my departed mother or my mentor and friend i wanted to share with and they were now beyond my reach.  suddenly i felt like king david in 2 sam 12:23.  "i shall go to him, but he shall not return to me."

indeed that is a truth and it has me wondering.  are they about to return to me in a rapturous moment or am i about to make my departure and join them with my glorious Lord and Savior.  i must admit i have a tinge of jealousy for those who will never taste death, the more so the closer i know it is getting.  it's like someone arriving just after the "big game" is over and the winning touchdown was scored.  or someone getting to the party just when everyone is about to leave.

i know there are times and schedules, on earth and in heaven as well.  i just want to be on God's schedule and in His time.  it's not like i really have anything to say about it, one way or the other.  my mind keeps going back to the devout simeon who was promised he would not die until his eyes had beheld the Christ.

then one day mary and joseph brought the little Jesus to the temple to be circumcised according to the law.  i can almost imagine how simeon's heart must have leapt inside him.  here was this little baby, certainly helpless and without any grandeur or glory; just a little child wrapped in the arms of his mother.

do you suppose simeon thought as the others did later than he had come to restore the glory of jerusalem instead of to die for the world?  just think, if He were born in today's world it would be a mighty miracle if He had escaped from even being aborted.  no one knows the potential that lies in each child.

anyway, all my ramblings and speculation have brought me to this conclusion.  time is short.  it is short for all of us.  for some it may mean death comes knocking before we expected it to.  it could also mean God has finally had enough;  enough of the ridicule and persecution of His Son and those who chose to follow Him; enough of the revelry and exaltation of sin and rebellion; enough of the world poking their finger in His eye.  it is no longer a golden calf they have molded to worship.  it is pleasure and self alone sitting on the throne and there is room for no other.

people live and die everyday.  the rain fall on the just and unjust alike.  thousands were destroyed just the other day in a mighty earthquake.  as the world rushes to aid they wonder how a God could allow such devastation.  yes, my heart goes out as well but still the question lingers: "how could His grace allow sin and rebellion so long?"  sin carries destruction in it's wings.  the physical devastation comes after years of spiritual devastation.  "but where can wisdom be found? and where is the place of understanding?  man does not know its value, nor is it found in the land of the living." job 28:12-13

"for if we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord.  therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s." rom 14:8  devastation will soon be coming on the whole world.  i pray you are washed in the blood of Jesus and know you are the Lord's.

[featherlumina]

Well. Looks like I woke up today and chose...pain. Time to get some thoughts out about this tragic scene.

Okay, first up, even though I did push the brightness & colour saturation on this scene for the GIF, the light in his leg just seems... more...purple than before? I don’t know, when he was running, the light inside seemed more blue. Probably just an example of why you don’t mix shimmer and arcane magic, I guess. More on that later.

“...Sky...Sky!? No!”

THIS. THIS SCENE IS BRILLIANT. The way the camera focuses on Viktor through Sky’s glasses? OH. OHHH. It’s cinematography at it’s finest. Fortiche never ceases to amaze me. It says so many things. The first and only priority for Sky in that moment was saving Viktor, and he was the last thing she saw. In this moment, we’re also invited to see things from Sky’s perspective—but there’s something very, very wrong, because she’s not there. We can’t get her view anymore because she’s gone. 

Like Viktor, we as the audience missed the chance to know her more, and, like Viktor, we mourn what could have been (yes, I went there). In Viktor’s self-absorbed desperation, Sky became an afterthought to him, and she was ripped away because of his carelessness. I’ll have more to say on this in future posts but I believe the lack of Sky’s character was extremely intentional. Am I mad she was very much sidelined? Yes. But I think it was done for very clever reasons, given the show’s attention to detail.  

Anyway, can we also just cry about how upset Viktor is here? He’s just been thrown about by the Hexcore, but the first thing on his mind is Sky. The absolute look of distress from Viktor just...ugh, it ruins me. In my head, this scene says a lot about Viktor’s attitude to Sky as well. He hasn’t just taken a stranger’s life. He’s taken the life of his childhood friend—someone he watched grow up alongside him, with hopes, dreams and ambitions to change the world for the better. 

Just like him.

Whether or not he reciprocated her feelings is another matter, but he clearly cared about her. Viktor’s circle has never seemed that big, either, so losing her, one of the few people who loved him...god. It’s tragic, because once the veil of his Hexcore madness lifted and he saw the consequences, the Viktor we knew and loved from early on in Act I & Act II came rushing right back—someone who deeply cared for others, ahead of himself, and the horror that he took a life becomes unbearable.

“No! Th-that can’t...that can’t...!”

Okay. Can I just say. The animation here is gut-wrenchingly good. The last few frames just convey Viktor’s horror so, so well. The way Sky’s ashes fall through his trembling hands, the agonised expression...this is the moment we can see Viktor’s realisation at what his actions have led to. I can’t imagine the cognitive dissonance he’s experiencing here. To have worked so hard to help, only to have your life’s work end someone? God. Someone send help. I can’t anymore. It’s too depressing. No wonder Vik contemplated ending his own life later.

(Also kinds reminds me of Powder’s monkey... to have worked so hard with the intention to help, only to destroy...let’s hope Vik ends up a little less traumatised than Jinx, hey? They really should be friends, come to think. Could really bond over the trauma and grow as people. For those who AU this, good on you).

What a scene. It’s just... pure devastation. Sky’s remains just...everywhere, even with bits of her clothes, a shoe...it’s awful. Also, Viktor is ridiculously skinny. He’s barely skin and bone at this stage (I have my hunches on lung cancer being his illness because cancer just consumes your body for sustenance, but it’s just a hunch).

Okay this horrible orb just looks menacing as heck right now. I find it interesting because before this, the Hexcore was already corrupted by shimmer to some degree, but Viktor didn’t have any shimmer left for this round. And yet, the Hexcore became more corrupted still. Why is that? It also makes me wonder what would’ve happened to Vik if Sky hadn’t shown up. Because the whatever was happening stopped after Sky was consumed. Would he have been taken by the Hexcore instead? Because the Hexcore definitely seems interested in taking before it gives anything in return (i.e., Viktor’s blood). Anyhow, I have way more questions about this than answers, so we’ll leave it there. 

(Also I’ve tried reading LoL lore to get my head around The Void, as lots of people have some great theories about it and how it might link to shimmer/the Hexcore, so I might write more on that one day...)

[luminous-letters]

Ruff 'n Tuff Tuesday with Savanaclaw (NRC CAFÉ PT. 2)

"Oi Ruggie! Stop taking those donuts!"

"Prefect! We're outta cream!"

"Leave it to Jack...*yawn*..."

"First year! The hell are you sittin' pretty for? We have customers!"

You didn't expect them to be so lively this early in the morning. Even Grim was taken aback with Savanaclaw's vigor.

"It's a good thing everyone's hyped for today huh?" Grim mumbled, still a bit drowsy.

"Yeah."

The first thing you face the moment you set foot into the café were busy staff and a large volume of customers.

Jack was busy tending to the coffee. Ruggie was serving up some pastries, while occasionally taking some of course. Leona was...surprisingly productive, he was giving the students some pretty specific orders and occasionally checked the goods from time to time, all in the comfort of his chair and the company of his chess board.

"Well everyone's lively today." You commented, earning the chirps of delight from the boys and a snicker from Leona.

Now that you noticed, most of the customers were from Ignihyde.

Obviously, they were looking forward to the animal ears. It was perfect for business, you thought.

"Well, well, well, nice to see ya Herbivore." Leona lazily waved from his seat, his tail swishing from side to side.

"MC! I thought you'd be here earlier! Where were you? Did something happen? How are you?" Jack bombarded you with questions like the little marshmallow he is. He jogged all the way from the counter towards you and Grim.

"Oi! Stop shooting questions at him Jack. They might get overwhelmed!" Ruggie called from the counter, which flustered the fluffy good boi.

"Oh...uh...sorry...I was worried- Wait! No! I'm not worried! Just concerned...yeah! Concerned!" Jack couldn't help but stumble on his words, with his tail wagging nonstop. He was too cute to ignore, Jack already had some sort of golden ticket on you, his cuteness.

"I'm fine Jack, Grim woke up late and Crowley made me run a few errands." You explained, which relieved Jack. Soon he was jogging back to his station, tail wagging happily.

"Pssh. The birdman's still giving you work? I thought he'd give you a break, you're already watchin' this café." Leona grumbled, moving the white queen three spaces diagonally.

"Well I guess it is pretty exhausting, but it's worth it if it means seeing you guys having a nice time." You stroked the sleeping Grim's fur, little gremlin even had the balls to fall asleep now.

"Tch. You're getting cheesy, Herbivore." Leona flashed you with his signature smirk.

"I guess I am, but who made me watch the entire trilogy of 'Witches and Wampires'?" You raised a cocky brow.

"Ruggie chose it, not me."

"You were devastated when the protagonist chose Damien, from the Wampire guy, what's his name? Oh yeah, Jonathan."

"She's not just 'protagonist' she's Stella, you heathen."

A smug smile made its way to your face, much to Leona's annoyance.

"I mean, what's a Wampire anyway?" Leona complained, exasperated.

"They're werewolf vampires." Ruggie chimed.

"It's completely unrealistic."

"But that didn't stop you from wantin' to rip Damien's face off." Ruggie grinned.

"Pah! Don't you have work to do?" Leona impatiently asked, mad that the fact that he's team Wampire came out.

"Pfft! Salty, salty, salty. Anyways, I was about to ask if MC could come to help, we're a few guys short."

"Take them, whatever. Just get out of my sight."

"Fine, fine."

"Oh and Herbivore."

"Hm?"

"Wanna go fishing again this weekend?"

"Sure thing, just gotta clear my schedule by then."

"Don't bother, I'll talk with Crowley later."

Leona said, resuming his chess game once more.

You left Grim sleeping next to Leona so you could work without much in mind.

-

"Alright. We're just gonna be handin' goods, the crowd's simmered down so we won't be too busy." Ruggie said, taking one donut and offering another one to you.

The two of you were currently in the back of the shop, no one would come here for a while so Ruggie thought it was the best place to talk with you.

"So, how are things? How's your arm?" You asked him.

"It's...fine. It doesn't hurt anymore but...but..." Ruggie refused to meet your gaze, ears drooping down.

"But? It's alright if you're not ready, I'll give you some time to work it out." You calmly said, giving his hand a light squeeze.

"I don't...I don't want to work it out alone MC. I..." Ruggie stopped and glanced at his previously injured arm.

"Come here." You hugged him tight, giving him a light pat on the back.

"You don't have to be alone..."

"Thanks, m'fine now." The hyena whispered.

"Leona's right, you are pretty cheesy today."

"Bastard."

"Shishishi!"

"Hey Ruggie."

"Hm?"

"Wanna watch 'Witches and Wampires: New Moon' later at Leona's place?"

"Sure thing, just bring me some donuts and I'll be fine. Shishishi!"

"You sound like a spray bottle."

"Whatever, let's get back to work." Ruggie snickered, putting back on his apron.

-

Jack was...a bit of a mess when you got there. Poor guy jumped and spilled coffee powder on himself when he saw you.

"Uh...Jack, you good?" You asked, helping him brush off the powder from....well everywhere.

"Yeah! You're totally not in good shape today." The mocking voice of your dear inferno gremlin made Jack's ears droop down, and you swear you heard him whine a bit.

"I was surprised okay! You were....and...uh...I didn't hear your footsteps. Not that I was listening...not at all."

"Come on big guy, it's fine, let's get back to work." You encouraged him, shooing Grim back to Leona.

"Jack! We need two espressos and one black!"

"On it!"

Jack was really immersed in his work, and he was good at it too. He was working like a well-oiled machine.

"You're pretty good at this." You asked him, pumping a cup with caramel for a separate order.

"Thanks. I used to help out at a coffee business a while back, and this doesn't feel much different."

"Show me your ways, Oh Mighty Jack?" You wiggled your eyebrows, earning a growl from the wolf.

"Don't call me that."

"Sourwolf..." You mumbled under your breath, he's like an incredibly tsundere Derek Hale.

"What?"

"Nothing dude."

"Don't call me- you know what, whatever." Jack huffed, placing the finished orders on the counter for pick-up.

-

Business was slow at the moment, and it was almost closing time so you decided to take a break on one of the empty seats.

"Can I take off my apron?" Jack asked you, looking flushed.

"What's wrong with the apron?"

"It's embarrassing..."

"Really? Well I think it looks cute on you."

And just like that Jack's tail started wagging non-stop, you seriously thought he was about to fly off with how fast it was moving.

"Ugh fine. I'll keep it on... I'm not gonna like it though..."

"Lies." You pointed at his still wagging tail.

"I-I'm just practicing it! It's nothing!" And with that he hurriedly rushed back to the counter, not before leaving you a paper bag.

"Hm? What's this?" You opened the bag, inside was a couple of honey glazed donut with tiny animal sprinkles and a large cup of caramel coffee with a cute little drawings of a wolf, a hyena and a lion, and it has 'Thanks' written in beautiful cursive handwriting.

-

You and Grim closed the shop after 7 pm. Just as you two were heading back to Ramshackle, you spotted a familiar batch of animal ears in the distance.

"You three!" You yelled, making two out of three heads jump.

"What the hell-" The bastard lion didn't even finished his sentence when you enveloped them in a giant hug.

"M-MC!"

"Oi! Come on let go of us!"

"Leona-san do something!"

"Herbivore, back off...well I tried, they didn't listen. I give up." Leona sighed in defeat, letting you squeeze them even tighter.

"What the hell are you even here for?"

"Witches and Wampires"

"Reasonable"

-

"Huff, today was tiring." Grim yawned.

"Tiring my ass, you slept all day."

"I was supervising!"

"Yeah suuure." You dragged out, unconvinced.

"Octavinelle's scheduled tommorow right?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"It's Octavinelle, it's shady. I'm just ya'know, wary of them."

[iaminexorable]

Entry #5

2.24.21

I am a bit late but yeah I think its fine.

Today is a boring day for the both of us. I don't know, okay na kami pero I feel like may iba talaga. HAHAHA

Before, pagka gising niya, tumatawag na agad yan sakin. Oh, btw, we're LDR and 6 months na kami. Today, he woke up so late like mga 10am na, he didn't bother to call me or ask kung pwede bang makita nya muna ako bago kami kumain.

Pero okay lang??? Nakaka bother pero pinabayaan ko nalang dahil ayoko na talaga ng gulo, away o pag tatalo. I am so scared to lose him again. Humihinto ang mundo ko kapag nawawala siya. OA na kung OA pero yun talaga yung totoo.

I pushed myself to finish some schoolworks dahil nga ilang araw ko na iniignore ang academic responsibilities ko dahil hindi kami okay. Wala lang talaga kong gana kumilos pag di kami okay. Ang toxic at dramatic, diba?

Imbes na mag overthink ako sa hindi namin pag v videocall buong araw, I just made myself busy. Nakatapos naman ako ng iilan kaso marami pa rin kaya ganon pa rin ang plano ko bukas.

May kutob ako na may iba na siya pero pinapabayaan ko nalang, ayoko na ma praning, I swear its not healthy for me. Sabi ko nalang sa sarili ko, kapag niloko pa ko ulit nito, that's the end na. Medyo malakas na ang loob ko ngayon dahil di ko talaga akalain na dadating ako sa puntong i b-block ko siya at natiis kong dalawang araw kaming di nag-usap.

Hindi na ako masyadong takot ngayon dahil nalaman ko na kaya ko naman pala, its just that hindi nga lang madali pero kaya ko. Lalo na kung ang magiging rason ng pag bitaw ko sakanya ay ibang babae.

Oo, tanga ako. Nag bigay ako ng chance sa taong niloko ako, bumalik ako nang paulit-ulit kahit alam kong wala nakong tiwala at sira na talaga kami pero ito ang never kong gagawin talaga. Ang makipag-agawan sakanya. Sorry for the words pero tangina, sino ba siya para makipag-agawan ako? Kung may iba na siya, it's fine, pakasaya ka sa taong sa tingin mo mas okay kesa saakin. I will not beg for you to choose me.

When I found out that he cheated on me. I let him decide. Sabi ko sakanya, kung masaya ka ron sa babaeng nakikita mo kung kelan mo gusto, kung sa tingin mo mas okay siya, fine. I will not force you to stay in this relationship.

Just a short background, we broke up that time. Yun ang pinaka matagal naming breakup like almost 2 weeks atang walang communication. I was suffering, I was the one who broke up with him kasi nasasakal ako sakanya. Not until one day, sumabog ako. My friends, na pinili ko over him, they made me feel like they don't need me naman. I suddenly feel outcasted. After I chose them. Kaya I was the one who decided to comeback to him kasi na realized kong tama siya, my friends will leave me, pero siya, he's always there for me.

Oh, fuck. I don't know if that's true or that's something na siniksik niya sa utak ko just to manipulate me.

Anyway, fastforward, nakapag-usap na kami and all so kami na ulit. Then, I found out that he's cheating on me.

May nakalandian siya nung nag break kami at hindi niya yon tinigilan kahit nung nag balikan na kami. Ang gago, diba? Nagawa pang makipag meet-up. I was so furious that time dahil wala kong ibang naisip kundi nag sex sila. HAHA. But the girl said na walang nangyari sakanila, nagkita lang sila sa mall at kumain. Yun lang. O yun lang ang pinalabas nila. Not sure. So ayon, even the girl, hindi niya alam na kabit siya. Kaya raw pala tuwing madaling araw lang sila nag v vc dahil buong araw ng jowa ko eh nasa saakin, lol.

Yung mga panahon na nag papasalamat ako sakanya dahil payapa akong nakakatulog dahil alam ko na di niya ko niloloko, ayon yung mga gabing nag-eenjoy siya ka vc yung kabit niya. HAHA

Kinutuban nako non pero mas pinili kong mag tiwala but it turns out na tama pala talaga ang hinala ko.

Reminiscing everything makes me realize how stupid I am to forgive him.

Alam niyo ba, sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sakanya, when I found out that he cheated on me, I was the one who's insisting na kakalimutan nalang namin yon na parang di nangyari. Because I understand that he loves so much attention dahil ever since bata siya never siya nakakuha ng ganon sa parents niya. It was his lolo who always gives him attention, love and care. Kaya nung namatay lolo niya he was devastated. I was there. I swear, I was there, I accepted him, I loved him even on his worst. Mga panahon na I was the one who gives him money kasi wala siyang trabaho. Mga panahon na wala siyang ginawa kundi uminom at mag bisyo.

I still loved him, I accepted him for who he was. Without any doubt.

Hindi ko alam bakit basta nung mga panahon na yon, wala kong ibang gusto kundi iparamdam sakanya na importante pa rin siya kahit wala na yung lolo niya. Every night pag magka vc kami, iyak siya nang iyak saying na gusto na niya sumunod sa lolo niya dahil wala na siyang kakampi sa mundong to.

I was there. At his lowest point of his life, I was there. I helped him get over it, I helped him fix his life. I helped him for who he is right now.

Kaya alam niyo, everytime na napapakinggan ko yung kanta ni Halsey - Without Me. I feel so powerful.

Not to brag or something pero I helped him because I am so inlove with him na wala nakong ibang gusto talaga kundi bigyan siya ng rason para mabuhay.

Kaya nung nalaman kong niloko niya ko, hindi ko maintindihan bakit at saan niya kinuha yung lakas ng loob niyang gawin sakin yon. Actually, up until now, I still ask myself, saan ako nagkulang bakit niya yon nagawa sakin.

But I guess, walang sagot sa tanong ko dahil di naman talaga ako nagkulang at all. Hindi lang siya nakuntento.

After that, lalo ng lumabo yung relasyon namin. Punong-puno nako ng pagdududa. Wala nakong ibang bukambibig kundi, "ano niloloko mo nanaman ako?"

Sa sobrang nasaktan ako, hindi ko na inisip kung nasasaktan ko na rin ba siya not until our last breakup happened. He opened up to me. Napagod na siya kaka patunay sa sarili niya. He said these words to me, "Pagod na pagod na pagod na ko patunayan yung sarili ko sayo. Alam ko nagkamali ako, naiintindihan ko naman na nasira ko yung tiwala mo pero yung paulit-ulit nalang, yung wala naman akong ginagawa puro duda ka pa rin, nakakapagod."

Those words, it hit me and made me realized that for the past months, totoo naman talagang puro tungkol sa pagkuha niya lang uli ng tiwala ko ang nangyari. He even said to me, "pinatawad mo nga ako, binigyan mo nga ako ng chance pero araw-araw mo namang pinapamukha sakin yung pagkakamali ko."

Nakakatawa, diba? Victim blaming, it is. Bakit kayo ganyan? Manloloko kayo tapos pag nahirapan kayo kuhain ulit yung tiwala isisisi niyo sa niloko niyo?

Pero ayon, I was so understanding, sa totoo lang, lagi ko siyang iniintindi. Kaya nga tama siguro yung kaibigan ko, indenial akong gago yung boyfriend ko.

Wala, I always make excuses, eh. I always think na what he is now is because of his childhood trauma and problems. Kaya lagi ko iniintindi kasi ano namang laban ko sa mga bagay na di niya naramdaman nung bata siya, diba?

So ayon, sa mga nag babasa nito na katulad kong niloko, I want you to know na hindi ka kulang. Hindi ka mali. Sapat ka, sobra pa nga sa sobra. Hindi lang talaga siya nakuntento kaya don't you ever blame yourself kung bakit ka niloko. I know it's hard, pero believe me, wala sayo ang pagkakamali.

I still deal with many thoughts inside of my head. Siguro mas kino control ko nalang ngayon.

Everytime na nag o-overthink ako, kinakausap ko si Lord. Hindi ako super religious na tao, ah pero naniniwala talaga ako Sakanya.

He never failed me sa lahat ng requests ko Sakanya everytime I am having a hard time to decide.

Kaya I always talk to Him, asking Him to give me more strength to overcome everything especially the trauma that I had from that cheating issue.

Okay naman, sa ngayon, okay naman kahit na may pag aalinlangan pa rin ako sa boyfriend ko na baka may ibang account na siya at doon niya kinakausap yung bago niya.

It is what it is nalang talaga mga mare.

Wala kong ibang gusto ngayon kundi kapayapaan at matapos na ang backlogs ko sa school.

Anyway, I hope all of you had a great day today. Lagi niyong tatandaan na importante kayo, don't let anyone make you feel that you are worthless. Good mornight! 💖

[infinitestarsintheskye]

Agents of Shield Series Finale thoughts (finally)

Or alt title Skye finally sits down to write this after two days of being overtired, overwhelmed and as a result, anxious! Feeling a WHOLE lot better today after a few anxiety naps and watching Phineas and Ferb on Disney + (that show is just pure serotonin I swear) 

God what can I say that hasn’t already been said. I’m so beyond happy. I have no idea what my expectations were but by god were they exceeded. I cannot say enough how happy I am. They saved the world with empathy. How utterly beautiful. The endings everyone got were all just so utterly utterly deserved. I’m still in shock really. 

If you haven’t already guessed it, I did not make it to my alarm at half past 6 on Thursday morning. I woke up at quarter past 5 after barely three hours of sleep and just could not help myself. I finished, cried for two hours and collapsed for another hour and a half. And she wonders why she’s felt like utter shit the past two days...

ANYWAY

DEKE DEKE MY WONDERFUL MY MOST DEAREST DISASTER SON!!!!!!!!! I love him so much. I know he’s happy in alt. 1983 but losing him was honestly such sweet sorrow. I had a feeling that he would sacrifice himself but I could not have guessed that it would happen in honestly such a good way. He still gets to live, gets to be the director of Shield (god help them) and I’m equally happy and devastated for him. I love Deke so much, he is very dear to me, and the money I would pay for a miniseries of him just absolutely killing it as Shield director in the 80′s with his side business of being a popstar, like the amount doesn’t exist. Also his impersonation of Fitz was so incredibly hilarious, Jeff Ward actually does a not bad Scottish accent and the IMMEDIATE adoption of the pregnant lady pose just ABSOLUTELY SENT ME!!!!!!!!!!

Mack. I’m so happy he lived. His team up with Sousa will forever give me life. Them taping goddamn chronicoms to the missiles to blast a hole in the ship, like whoever came up with that idea, you are now my favourite human on this earth. It is so supremely dumb but I love it so much. As much as there was BIG concern going into this that he was going to die, ta Henry, I never once felt worried for him. Like he never even came close???????? Also a raise to whoever put him in that big long jacket at the end like oh my god are you serious, AMAZING

Yoyo. I had NOT A SINGULAR CLUE, NOT EVEN AN INCLINE of what was going to happen to Yoyo. Her little team up at the end with Piper and Davis (DAVIS ROBO!DAVIS YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS BICKERING WITH PIPER WE LOVE TO SEE IT) was beyond incredible. Yoyo had such a great arc this season, and I’m just so happy to see it concluded so well, plus that shot of her zooming out of the car at the end was beyond A+ it was beautiful.

May. May, wonderful May. Her appearing OUT OF GODDAMN NOWHERE TO JUST ABSOLUTELY END SIBYL IS JUST FOREVER GOING TO GIVE ME LIFE. THE CAVALRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so intrigued with where they were going with her arc this season, like I enjoyed empath May but I was so curious to see where it was going and oh what a pay off it was. I literally shouted AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH at my screen when she put her hands into that machine and Coulson explained it, BECAUSE IT ALL JUST MADE SENSE. Also it was 100000000000000000000% her idea to name it Coulson Academy, and no one disagreed with her. I loved her little call back to S1 with her just being the pilot. In general I thought all of the call backs were very well handled and placed, nothing felt too fan servicey it was all very natural and organic bc these writers really just know what they’re about and are just so incredibly good at their jobs. ANYWAY MAY. I’m happy that she’s getting a little bit of rest from the field, she absolutely deserves it. 

Coulson. I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t sure about Robo!Coulson when he was introduced at the end of last season, but my god am I so happy for him now. He is truly the heart of this show, the whole thing began because a stubborn group of fans refused to accept that he had died. And really isn’t that a theme that has carried us through this entire show haha? I was so terrifed for about 30 seconds that Sibyl was going to turn him against the rest of the team, so the RELIEF of May popping out of the ceiling to JUST END HER ENTIRE CAREER WAS INCREDIBLE.  The reappearance of Lola ABSOLUTELY SENT ME. I also love that after years of Coulson refusing to let Mack work on Lola, Mack just went “Fuck it” and built one from, I assume, scratch. He is going to be the best Grandpa to little Alya Fitzsimmons and you can tear that headcanon from my cold dead hands. Again, what a deserving ending. I could not be happier for him, that last shot was just perfect. 

Daisy. Oh boy, we’re getting into my heafty emotions now. I would just like to say that her entire arc throughout this entire show is one of the most incredible, most amazing and well crafted and well thought out characters arcs in television history. Watching her go from this lost little hacker with a bit of a smart mouth, to this strong and powerful LITERAL SUPERHERO has actually been a privilege and I cannot stress enough how much I have loved watching her grow and evolve over the past seven years. That being said, I am low key FURIOUS that they made me think that she was dead for even just a SECOND. I WAS SOBBING NO AT MY PHONE FOR THAT ENTIRE LITTLE INTERLUDE LIKE NO FUCKING WAY ARE YOU GOING TO KILL HER OFF AND LEAVE HER BODY IN SPACE I WILL NOT LET YOU, LET ME GO SHARPEN MY PITCHFORK I AM COMING FOR YOU. I will now invite you to imagine the look of absolute and utter joy and relief on my face when I saw she was alive. Skye/Daisy holds such a special place in my heart. Her whole thing with Sousa this season was SO UTTERLY OUT OF THE BLUE BUT SO INCREDIBLY DELIGHTFUL AND DESERVED!?!?!?!??!?!!?!? Like out of everything I think that little plot detail is what surprised me the most, and I surprised myself by really loving it as much as I did. I would have been happy if she had ended the series single but I’m so happy that she has this wonderful partner who loves her so much and has her back and just looks after her like it’s just like the most wonderful added bonus which she deserves. Sousa is also like a whole ass snack and as I have been saying in my tags for the past few weeks, DAISY GET IT!!!! I love that she ended the series with her own little family, her sister and Sousa. I just. I cannot even think about that without welling up. Daisy has a family, and she chose it and she loves them all so much. I know it was last weeks ep too but I will never get over her calling Simmons her sister. Never ever ever for as long as I live. I’m so happy for her. So beyond happy.

FitzSimmons. Here we, here we, here we fucking go. What to even say apart from big, long and loud sobbing noises, cause that’s all I have really been able to do in regards to them for the last two days. Happy isn’t a strong enough word. There is no word big enough, nor all encompassing enough to say how utterly UTTERLY happy I am that they got their most beautiful happy ending. Fitz guiding her through her memories, the second Jemma said Alya I started screaming, I just I knew that was her name, and him just being so gentle with her whilst she was remembering, like oh my heart. I excuse them everything, the lack of Fitz (WHICH WAS NO ONE’S FAULT I WILL NOT HAVE ANYTHING ABOUT THAT HERE) this season was honestly just paid back tenfold in the scenes that we got of him. His frustration IMMEDIATELY at everyone not understanding their plan was so amazingly hilarious. Simmons half remembering everything was both heartbreaking and hilarious, the scene of her asking for a supersuit like Daisy’s was incredible and both Deke and Daisy responding to her like she was a child they needed to trick into doing something for them, like yes if you come with us you’ll get a supersuit and a bit chocolate, incredible. The acting in both episodes from both IDC and Elizabeth was just truly something else. The fact that neither of them have been nominated EVER for their work on this show is nothing less than criminal. Her face when she remembered Alya. Dear god my heart. I have watched that scene of them reuniting with her at least 3000000000000000000000 times since Thursday morning. I won’t ever forget it. What a beautiful scene. What an incredible scene. “You were guarding our everything.” SHE’S THEIR EVERYTHING. THEIR UTTER EVERYTHING! I’M ACTUALLY LIKE SOBBING WRITING THIS I WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE GET OVER THE FACT THAT THEY LET FITZSIMMONS LIVE IN PEACE FOR FOUR WHOLE ASS YEARS, LET THEM HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, MOST PRECIOUS LITTLE BABY GIRL AND THEN LET THEM LIVE IN PEACE AGAIN I JUST!!! I HAVE WANTED THIS FOR THEM FOR SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO VERY LONG!!! (also @ marvel I’m not in a place where I want any kind of continuation or spin off at the moment but I would watch a FitzSimmons miniseries of them just being happy and domestic and working in space for 4 years. Just SOMETHING to consider) I cannot thank the writers enough for finally finally letting them have their happy ending. They have been through so much, and it was all worth it because it led them to their happily ever after and to their little girl and I just, that is everything. ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! I have talked a lot in this post about people deserving their endings but honestly none more than FitzSimmons. Fitz playing with Alya in their little garden whilst Simmons watches with the biggest smile on her face. How perfect. I could not have dreamt a better ending for them I’m so so so so so SO beyond happy for them. And god that little girl is just the most precious. Her gleefully exclaiming “Mama!” at Simmons is the EXACT moment that I started sobbing and did not stop for the rest of the episode. Also I know they didn’t explicitly say it but they are 100000000000000% at their cottage in Perthshire, again you can pry that headcanon out of MY COLD DEAD HANDS!!! I’m just so so so so so so so so SO beyond happy that FitzSimmons got the ending that they deserved so much. They can be at peace now. I have loved them since LITERALLY day one, and I cannot imagine what would happen if I got to tell little 15 year old me how they ended up. I’m sending her good vibes to the past, I know she got them, because I never ever ever gave up on that hope for them. FitzSimmons, to me, represent so much goodness and hope and just everything I aspire to have in a relationship (without the constant separation and the death and all that fun shit), but just the utter love they have for each other. (thanks for the impossible standard to which I hold all men now JedMo). I have been on just a rollercoaster with these two characters, their relationship and each of them as individuals have taught me so much and brought me so much comfort, especially during some of the hardest times I have ever experienced. I’ll tell some of those stories one day. Not yet. I’m not ready. I’m still honestly just reeling. I have wanted A Happy FitzSimmons ending for SO LONG and I just cannot believe that we got it. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU. 

Writing this felt very cathartic. It’s almost been good to just get ALL OF THE EMOTIONS OUT. I think I’m actually going to take a nap now. I forget how tiring it is to be so emotional. What can I say to end this except reiterate again just how happy I am with that finale. I’m so thrilled that they gave us such a beautiful ending, it really was just a love letter to the series as a whole and to it’s message. I think it was quote from Jeff Bell that I saw and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since, because of how true it is, and really that’s why I hold this show so dear and why I have done for the past 7 years, and that is that this show is ultimately about hope. What a beautiful thing. 

[caelesjjk]

Forget Me Not

I hope everyone enjoys a little calum angst today.

She wasn’t allowed to force it.

The doctors said that he would have to remember all on his own. And that part tore her apart the most. Because what if he never remembered her? What if he found someone new and the life they had together just became something in the back of his mind that would never surface again?

But she had to let Calum heal on his own. He needed to be able to put the pieces together himself, or it could have consequences. So London had tried to keep her distance. She let his friends take him home after he was released from the hospital so that they could help him remember things. Things that could jog his long term memory, things from his childhood when they were all growing up together. They wanted to give him time before they brought London back into his life.

But she just kept thinking that maybe she was all that he needed to remember. She knew things that no one else would know because he had been hers for years. Belonged to her in ways that he didn’t belong to his friends and family. She knew him. And he knew her. At least, he did.

It had been 3 weeks. 3 agonizing weeks of waking up in their bed alone. She could smell him on the sheets, but didn’t have the heart to change them. The guys had come over and taken most of his things back to Ashton’s house. They only left a few things here and there. Little things, like his silver chain necklace that she had given him for his birthday two years ago. She left it sit on middle shelf of the bookcase in the living room because that’s where he had left it last.

He had taken it off and sat it there the night the accident had happened. London hated to think about that night. Hated to think that if she had just asked him to stay one more time. If she had just gone with him, maybe things would be different. Maybe he wouldn’t of taken the road he chose, and maybe he wouldn’t of run off the road and hit that tree. Too many what ifs to sort through.

She didn’t want to give up. She loved him. So when her phone started ringing on the side table next to the couch, she grabbed for it immediately, seeing Luke’s number pop up on the screen. She took a few deep breaths before answering.

“Hi, Luke.” Her voice came out weak and scratchy.

“Hey there, Lons. How are you?” Luke said, concern in his voice as usual.

“You know the answer to that.” London sighed, leaning her head back against the couch. “How is he?” Her mouth was dry.

“He’s better, physically. All healed up for the most part. But he still doesn’t remember much, except his mom and his sister. He asked about them yesterday. Things are looking better.” London could here Luke scuffing his boots on the concrete.

“Has he…has he said anything about me?” She knew the answer, but asked it anyways.

“Nothing yet, Lons. But…but Ashton thinks that maybe you should by. Just to push him a little, ya know?” Luke explained.

“The doctor said not to push.” London sat up, her heart racing at the thought of seeing him.

“The doctor doesn’t know him like we do. Calum is so damn stubborn, I just think if he saw you. Heard you talk. Maybe he would start remembering.” The sound in Luke’s voice was just the slightest bit hopeful.

“And what if he doesn’t?” She asked.

“Then we keep trying. We keep trying every day until he does, okay Lons? We just…keep trying.” London could tell Luke was upset. Frustrated. And he wanted his friend back just as much as London wanted the man she loved to come back.

“Okay.” London whispered, biting at her bottom lip, trying to keep the tears at bay.

“Just come by today. See you soon.” Luke said quietly before hanging up the phone.

London was panicking. She had been waiting for this. Tirelessly pacing the floors hoping that they would call and ask exactly this. And now that it was happening, she was frozen. She didn’t know how she was going to control her emotions. She needed to keep them in check so that she didn’t confuse him. So with trembling hands, London got dressed and fixed her hair. She hadn’t really done either of those things since all of this happened. But now that she was going to see him, she wanted to look like she still gave a shit.

As she drove towards Ashton’s house, all the memories of the night of the accident came flooding back. London had tried so hard to push those thoughts away, but the closer she got to Ashton’s the more they came flooding back in.

“Is this London Baxter?” The unfamiliar voice said.

“Yes, who’s this?” She replied, confusion all over her face.

“This is Francis Dougherty, I work for Mercy Hospital. We have you as contact person for Calum Hood?” The woman said quickly.

“Y-yes. Whats going on?” She could feel her heart plummeting to her stomach.

“He was just transported to Mercy by ambulance after being involved in an accident. He’s in critical condition, you should get to the hospital as soon as possible ma’am.” The woman explained, and London stopped breathing. “Ma’am?”

“Yeah…I’m on my way, I’ll be right there.” London forced out the words, sprinting for her car and driving to the hospital for more recklessly than she should have. She called Ashton from the car, but didn’t bother to wait for him to get to the hospital.

London pushed through every door and ignored every security spot that tried to stop her. When she reached the emergency room, she didn’t wait in line. She forced her way to the front of the line and begged the old man behind the desk to tell her where her sweet boyfriend was. And after he pointed towards the surgery unit, she took off running again. She had no idea what was going on around her. She just needed to get to him, right now.

When London arrived in the surgery unit, she was stopped by some nurses who wouldn’t allow her to go any further. They wanted her to sit down so they could explain what had happened. But she couldn’t hear them. Nothing made sense. How could he be hurt so badly? She just saw him a few hours ago? He had just left their apartment to go get some Duke some dog food. How could he be lying unconscious on a hospital bed now? Battered and bruised from the impact? How could the beautiful man with the perfect dimples and glowing smile be just lying there with neither on his face?

They had let her see him after surgery, but he wasn’t awake. They didn’t know when he would wake up. But London never left. She stayed in that tiny hospital room with him got two weeks before he finally woke up. And London thought that Calum waking up, would be the best possible thing, but as it turns out, it was the most devastating thing that could have happened.

When he stirred awake for the first time, London was at his side almost immediately. Carefully touching his swollen face when his eyes fluttered open.

“Wh-who are you? Where am I?” He said, trying to move away.

“Calum…Cal its me. Whats the matter?” She asked him, fear rushing through her veins.

“I don’t know where I am…what the hell happened to me?” His voice was getting louder and more scared by the minute.

London tried to console him as all the doctors and nurses came rushing into the room. She had to watch from the door as they calmed him down enough to explain things to him. And when they realized that he didn’t remember anything, a whole new journey had begun.

Ashton’s house wasn’t far from hers and Calum’s apartment. That was something that killed her even more. He was just a few minutes away but further away than he had ever been. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she turned off her car and walked up the driveway. She wasn’t sure if she should knock, she never used to. But this place different to her now, just like everything else, it had a shroud of sadness on it.

Thankfully, Luke was waiting outside for her when she arrived.

“Hey, Lu.” She walked up the few stairs and stood in front of him.

“Glad you’re here, Lons.” He wraps his long arms around London’s shoulders and pulls her against him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and hid her face in his chest. They were all friends, but never had much of a chance to properly decompress together.

“Where is he?” She asked, eager to see him, but terrified at the same time.

“Inside with Ash and Mike. He’s more comfortable now than he was when he brought him here. Sleeping a little better.” Luke gives her one last squeeze before he pulls back to look at her. “Doesn’t look like you’ve slept much.”

“Do you blame me?” London asks.

“No. No, I guess I can’t.” He shoves his ring clad fingers into the pockets of his skinny jeans, before nodding towards the door. “You ready to go in?”

“I think so.” London sighs, and moves to step inside when Luke opens the door.

Almost immediately, London is met by a bear hug from Michael, and before she can take another step inside, Ashton comes to stand in front of her. He looked pitiful. Like he hadn’t slept. London could feel the emotion building up in her throat as she looked at him. Calum was Ashton’s best friend, and London knew that this was hurting him so badly. Ashton’s mouth was turned down in a frown as he walked a little closer to her, and she could see the tears at the corners of his eyes threatening to spill over. London wasn’t sure she could open her mouth to talk without sobbing.

“Hi, Lons. We missed ya.” Ashton says quietly, stopping to stand in front of her, just a foot away.

Part of London, was so angry with Ashton. He was keeping Calum away from her, but deep down, she knew he was doing what was best for him. But the bigger part of her, missed Ashton too.

“Hi, Ash.” She blubbered out, but couldn’t hold back the sobs anymore. And Ashton was quick to wrap her up in arms and let her cry against his shoulder.

“S’alright love. I’m here.” Ashton patted her back softly and let her cry as long as she needed while Luke and Michael stood by. “M’ sorry it took so long to get you over here. I guess I thought I was protecting you.” Ashton said when London finally pulled away.

“Protecting me? Ashton I don’t want to be protected, I want Calum back. I want to help.” London wiped at her eyes and nose trying to straighten out her appearance before she saw him.

“Just…don’t get your hopes up, okay? He gets frustrated easy…” Ashton starts to walk down the hallway towards the living room, and London starts to feel her heart pound again.

Ashton walks into the room first, and London watches as he goes to stand in front of one of the couches. Her eyes follow Ashton, and then land on him. She can only see the back of his head right now, but the messy bunch of black curls on top of his head are undeniable. Her breath is stuck in her chest as she walks around the couch so she can stand next to Ashton.

“Hey Cal, someone came to see ya.” Ashton says as London stops in her tracks. He was everything she remembered and more.

Lips were pouty and pink like they always were. That hadn’t changed. His eyes were still dark and inviting, but they held a confusion that practically broke London’s heart. She watched him look at her, but he didn’t react to her the way she was reacting to him. Calum looked up at Ashton and then back ot her once more.

“Who’s this?” Calum asked, his voice was husky and deep. One of London’s favorite sounds. But the words cut straight through her like the sharpest knife.

“This is London, buddy. Do you remember her at all?” Ashton said as he sat down next to Calum on the couch. London stood frozen in place.

“London…” Calum said quiety. The sound of her name coming from his mouth made her heart try to escape its cage in her chest. “I…no. I can’t remember.” He ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

“That’s alright, Cal. You will.” Ashton pats Calum’s shoulder.

“No. I’m not ever going to remember any of you fucking people. I just can’t fucking remember!” Calum stands up, pushing past London and making her stumble before she can even get herself together.

London knows there are tears on her face and a look of distress in her eyes. She wants to go after him. She wants nothing more than to follow him and comfort him. But she knows that she can’t do that, because to him she’s a stranger, and she can’t imagine there would be anything comforting about a stranger.

“It’s okay, Lons. It’s just been like this the last few weeks. You know how he is with his temper.” Ashton tried to explain. But London just wants to see him more, 20 seconds was never going to be enough.

“Will he let me talk to him?” She asks.

“We gotta let him come to you, when he’s ready. Why don’t you just stay around here? The more he see’s all of us the better.” Ashton suggests, his shoulder drooping a bit.

“You mean stay here all the time?” She asks.

“You should be here too.” Luke says from behind her. London isn’t sure what to say, she’s feeling the slightest bit of happiness for the first time in weeks. She could be around him all the time, even if he didn’t remember her. And that was better than nothing. So she nods yes.

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Day 36

It’s been over a month since the accident happened, and two weeks since London had moved into Ashton’s guest bedroom. Even though he still didn’t remember much, London felt better just being closer to him. He didn’t quite understand her presence there, they had told him she was a friend, because they didn’t want to overwhelm with the thoughts of a relationship that he couldn’t remember.

They took things slowly, tried to remind him of his favorite foods and favorite beers by bringing them around. He would try things that he normally liked, and not feel anything when he tried them now. But one thing that had seemed to jog his memory just the slightest, was when the boys played music. They had all been in a band, playing gigs now and then for a few years. Calum played the bass, and he was so damn good at it. He seemed to open up the most when they took him into the practice space that Ashton had in his basement. He listened and closed his eyes and tried to soak it all in. He even picked up the bass and remembered a few chords, but no particular song had come back to him yet.

London couldn’t stop watching him. The way he moved, the way he talked, and the way she felt when he was around was all so routine for her. She was watching him from the couch now, as he walked around the room and looked at some of the pictures Ashton had framed on his mantle and side tables. She watched as his eyebrows scrunched together as he tried to remember the faces in the photos. When he came to one particular picture, he stopped in front of it for quite some time. It was a group photo, the boys and lots of their friends during a party in Ashton’s yard. And London. Calum had his arm wrapped around her shoulders and his lips pressed to her temple in the photo.

“Is this you?” He finally asked, not turning to look at her.

“Yes.” She said quietly, sitting up straight.

“Were…were we close?” He asked, turning to look at London as she stood from her seat on the couch.

“Yeah, we were close.” She bit her lip, trying not to smile as she remembered just how close they were.

“I wish I could remember something. Anything about you. Because I feel something every time you’re in the room and I don’t know what it means.” He walks closer to her and London feels her chest tighten.

“You’ll remember soon. The doctors said it just takes time.” London says.

“Why won’t you just tell me? Tell me what you meant to me.” He looks at her, frustration evident on his features.

“We have to let you remember. If I tell you anything it could mess up all the progress you’re making.” London explains.

“Progress? What fuckin’ progress?” He huffs with annoyance and steps away from her. She missed his close proximity already.

“You remembered your mom and Mali. And the music is helping.” She says, grabbing his hand to hold him there.

Calum stops in his tracks when he feels London’s hand in his. His shoulders rise and fall over and over as he tries to control his breathing and the way his heart is pounding. He looks back at her and wets his lips with his tongue.

“Why are you here, London? I don’t know who you are.” He gently pulls his hand away from hers.

“Because you did once. And I want to be here when you remember.” She doesn’t move to grab his ahnd again, he needs his space now.

“What if it takes forever? Or what if I just don’t fuckin’ remember?” His voice is louder and shaky.

“It’s okay, Calum. I’m not going anywhere.” She says, jaw tightening.

“Maybe you should.” He shakes his head before walking away towards the room he had been staying in.

London couldn’t deny the fact his words hurt her. It broke her heart every time he said something like this, but she knew he was just frustrated and confused. And she wasn’t going to give up. Not ever.

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Day 66

It’s been another month of trying to help Calum remember. The biggest break through so far, was Calum remembering who Ashton was. He and Ashton had gotten into a heated argument because Calum was sick of Ashton pushing him to remember. But his best friend knew what he was capable of.

“You can remember, Calum. I fucking know you can. You have to try, you’re giving up and we all can see it!” Ashton had said.

“What do you want from me? I’ve been tryin’ for months and I can’t remember.” Calum was standing in front of him, his jaw tightened and his chest out.

“You’re not trying, mate. Stop being such a damn baby and dig down in that mind of yours and find it!” Ashton was yelling now as well. And London knew she should stop him, Ashton shouldn’t be pushing this hard, but she was desperate for him to remember something.

“Are you listening to a fuckin’ word I’m saying?! I don’t know you! I don’t know any of you! It’s like living in a house full of fuckin’ strangers!” Calum was right up in Ashton’s face now.

“Yes you do, Cal. You know me. You remember that time when we were kids, and I beat you ridin’ bikes down Old Terry Hill? I know you remember that!” Ashton was still yelling, but he was keeping his cool.

“You didn’t fuckin’ beat me, I left you in the dust!” And then everything stopped. Calum had a look of shear disbelief on his face as he looked up at Ashton.

“There you are, brother.” Ashton said, grabbing Calum into a hug. After that, Calum slowly started to remember more and more about Ashton, and even bits and pieces of Luke and Michael.

It was like the anger set something off, something that they been trying to reach for months. They just had to figure out a better way for him to reach those memories. After he started remember, he seemed to relax a little more. He was friendlier, with the other boys at least. But London couldn’t expect him to understand why she was still there.

When she woke up to the sound of a guitar being played one night, she assumed it was Michael. London dragged her tired body from the now familiar bed, and walked into the hallway. The sound wasn’t coming from Michael’s room, but from Calum’s. And the sound was one that made London’s heart soar, because it was her song. He might not know what he was playing, but she did. With her hand cupped over her mouth to keep from sobbing she quietly walked across the hall and nudged his door open a bit more so she could see him. He was sitting at the edge of the bed, his feet were bare and his hair was disheveled. Calum’s eyes were closed as he played the chords and London knew that she needed to pull herself together. She wiped away the tears and smoothed back her hair before lightly knocking on his door. He jumped a little, before opening his eyes to see her standing there in her pajamas.

“Hey.” He said with a sigh.

“I um…just heard you playing.” She walked into the room a few steps. “What’s that you’re playing?”

“I don’t really know. I just started playing it.” He said, sitting down the guitar and turning his attention to her.

“Are you sure?” She asked.

“Yeah, Lons. I really can’t remember where I’ve heard it before.” When he used that nickname, it stung. He had started calling her that after hearing the other boys say it. But that wasn’t his name for her. London sighs before sitting down next to him.

“You used to play that for me, all the time.” London made herself meet his eyes, even though she knew it would hurt. His eyes were warm and always the most perfectly chocolate colored.

“When?” He simply asked.

“When I was sad. Or when I was happy. When I had a bad day and you wanted to see me smile.” She smiled a little at the thoughts.

“We were more than just friends, weren’t we?” He asked.

“Much more.” London said. She wanted to tell him something that would make him remember. She missed him so much.

“I want to know how much you meant to me. Please. I want remember.” He stands up from the bed and starts to pace.

“I was yours and you were mine. I’m still yours…that’s why I wont give up.” London stands up as well, watching him move back and forth.

“Its like its right there. It’s right there on the surface and it won’t come out. Why can’t I remember you?” He’s standing a few feet away, shoulders heaving with his heavy breathing.

“You just have to keep trying. Just try, Cal. I’m here, sweetheart.” London tries to take his ahnd but he moves away again.

“I can’t. I can feel something, but I don’t know what the fuck it is or why I feel it.” He keeps pacing.

“Yes you can.” She tells him.

“No! You just aren’t there! My body is telling me one thing and my mind just doesn’t know!” He’s frustrated and yelling as he paces. London knew she was getting somewhere, she had to.

“What does your body tell you?” She asks.

“To grab you around the waist and kiss you against that wall until neither of us can breathe! But I don’t know why?? Do you understand how fuckin’ maddening that is?” Calum walks back over to her, his eyes wide as he stares down.

“Because you know who I am. You do, you fucking know Calum!” London knows shes crying now, and she doesn’t care.

“Why are you pushing this?! I cant remember!” He angrily kicks over the chair in the corner that had been piled with clothes.

“Look at me, Calum!” London shouts, walking over and grabbing his arm to turn him towards her.

“Dammit, Lonnie! I said I don’t remember!” He freezes, goosebumps covering his skin.

“There, there that’s me! Not Lons, you call me Lonnie. You know me, baby.” She takes his hand and brings it up to her cheek and he immediately cups it.

“You…fuck. I know you. I know you, sweet girl.” He wipes at her tears with his thumb and brings his other hand up to cup the other cheek.

“I found you back.” London allows herself to finally touch him, her entire body practically convulsing at the feel of him.

“How could I forget you.” Calum whispers the words as his forehead rests against hers.

London can see the boys waiting in the doorway, huge smiles on their faces letting her know that they must of witnessed most of what happened when they heard all the yelling happen.

“We can go slow, okay? Until you remember more. All the time you need.” London says, her hands lacing into his soft curls.

“Can’t wait to remember every little thing.”

[jekunitrash]

Chaos in the Alicein household_Chapter 5

Jeje woke up at 7am, which was really early considering they weren't going anywhere today. But he wasn't sleepy anymore and vampires didn't need to sleep in the first place. He was about to move but quickly caught himself when he realised Mikuni was still comfortably installed in his arms. He looked peaceful for once and Jeje would feel guilty if he was to wake up because of him. So there he was staring at him sleeping again. It was becoming a weird habit, although it wasn't that shocking. They had known each other for years, and they were also linked by the contract. There was nothing wrong about taking care of his eve, Jeje decided.

Speaking of Mikuni, he was starting to wake up. His brows  furrowed slightly and his eyes fluttered open, but he closed them immediatly, burying his head into Jeje's chest in the process. The vampire would have laughed at his antics if he wasn't so quiet and introverted. He felt something else besides amusement that reminded him he had to talk with Lily. Mikuni on the other hand didn't seem to want to get out of bed, as he resolutely kept hiding in the vampire's arms. The latter thought he fell asleep again at some point but a grunt from the blonde indicated him that it wasn't the case.

Mikuni snuggled a bit more, which made his servamp blush, before finally raising his head. He was still drowsy but at least he managed to keep his eyes open. He stared at Jeje for several seconds, and the vampire couldn't help but think he was cute like that.

-"'Morning Jeje." He said with a smile.

-"Good morning." The servamp replied. " Do you want to go for breakfast?"

Mikuni seemed to ponder on the question for a while. Misono should be awake by now, possibly waiting for them to show up. So he nodded in affirmation but recalled something at the same time.

-"Speaking about breakfast... I proposed you blood yesterday." He said looking to the side. Even he could be embarrassed.

Jeje blinked then smiled, but it was covered by his paperbags that he had miraculously kept the whole night. He lightly tugged on his eve's collar, as if asking for confirmation. The blonde merely tilted his head to the side, indicating that it was fine. Jeje then bit gently (if it was possible) and started drinking. Like last time, he didn't take too much, just enough to enjoy the taste. He pulled back as soon as he was done and they stayed in bed for two more minutes before getting up.

As expected, Misono was waiting for them. He gave a questioning look to Mikuni who suddenly remembered the 'conversation' from last night.

-"Ah, Misono. Um... sorry about yesterday. I overreacted. It's fine if we invite the C3."

"I don't really mind." Misono replied. " I mean, I already knew you were a pain."

Mikuni looked scandalized at that, eventhough his brother said it in a teasing way.

-" But what made you change your mind?" The teen asked. Mikuni threw a quick glance at Jeje before answering :

-"Let's say I had some time to think about it... and I have a good partner." He had mumbled the last part and although Jeje was probably as red as a tomato, at least he wasn't the only one feeling embarrassed. Misono didn't make any comment on the two, he only said it was good if Mikuni was sure.

So it was settled, they would invite the C3 except for Touma. Lily was in charge of helping his eve preparing the food and games for every one. It was currently 9am and their guests would be coming at 6pm, so they had more than enough time. They got to work right after breakfast, Lily sent texts to everyone to inform them about the party, Mikuni who was good at manual tasks made some decorations with Jeje helping as best as he could and Misono made a list with all the games they could play. There were still three hours left after they were done with the preparations, so Jeje thought it would be a good time to ask Lily about those 'feelings' he couldn't put a name on.

-"So what did you want to talk about?" The servamp of lust was surprised when his older brother said he wanted to speak with him since he rarely piped a word.

-"It's about Mikuni..."

" Is something wrong with him?"

"No, actually... I've been feeling weird around him lately. Not in a bad way, but..."

Lily smirked to himself. He already knew where this was going.

-"I've always wanted to protect him. I felt guilty for what happened to his mother, and it was hard for him to move on."

The other vampire nodded from time to time, letting Doubt Doubt sort out his thoughts.

-" Even so, he's never resented me, and we were in good terms... But I feel like he's more comfortable talking to me since we came back and... I think... that makes me happy... for some reason."

Lily hummed, he could understand that but there was something he wanted to confirm.

-" You said you felt weird around him, right? What kind of weird?"

"Well, you see... when I heard him laugh yesterday, I felt flutters in my stomach... I was worried about him when he got upset, and when he refused to explain why, I became angry. Because he asked me what did it matter to me, and... I didn't want to let him think I didn't care."

"I see... so basically, you've always cared a lot about him but now you've realised there might be something else. And it's bothering you because you can't pinpoint exactly what that is." Lily concluded.

Jeje bit his lip, that was right. He wanted to put a name on his feelings but he didn't even understand what they were. Lily sighed fondly at him. It was obvious what was troubling his brother but not to the one concerned, apparently.

-"Well, I think it might have been long since last time in your case... But surely it's not the first time you experience this, is it?" He tried to give him little hints so he could figure it out by himself. Jeje thought for a while until realization downed on him.

-"You... don't think I 'm in  l-love, do you?" That would be terrible. Lawless was devastated when Ophelia died. Jeje always tried not to think about the inevitable day Mikuni would have to leave his side. It was already painful enough to see his previous eves die, eventhough he never held them dear. Mikuni was different and he didn't want to imagine his life without him. Crap, he really was in love.

Lily could easily guess what he was thinking by the way he was looking down. He didn't want to lose Misono either but they were vampires and their eves humans. Unless they found a way to make them immortals, they couldn't be together forever. That's when Lily had an idea.

-" You know, we've never tried but... maybe it's possible to turn an eve into a subclass. The C3 conducted studies on us, they might know things that de don't."

That sounded too good to be true, but there was hope. And Jeje knew Johannes personally. They couldn't discuss it any further since the boys came in the room. They were perceptive, so they instantly knew something was wrong.

-"Is something the matter?" Misono asked. The servamps looked at each other, silently agreeing not to worry them with that. Not today.

-"It was nothing too serious, don't worry about it boys!" Lily exclaimed while Jeje nodded.

They didn't seem to believe it but the eves just shrugged it off.

-"Okay, well that's good because our guests will be there in an hour. And I won't tolerate for anyone to be in a bad mood." Misono declared.

-"As I said, no need to worry Misono! Everything will be fine."

Right after Lily said that, the doorbell rang. Misono sighed thinking it was most probably Mahiru and Kuro. He went to open the door anyway and his servamp followed after him.

Mikuni watched them go then he turned to face Jeje who was as quiet as usual.

-"Was there a problem? What were you two talking about?" He asked.

Jeje shook his head no, saying it wasn't important and that they should go welcome the sloth pair too. His eve wasn't pleased by this answer but it wouldn't be wise to push the subject now. So he complied and they both went to the entrance hall. When they arrived, Misono was giving a lecture on manners, saying things like 'the guests shouldn't come too early' and such. Mahiru kept apologizing and explained that they went to the store before coming, which was why they arrived earlier than originally planned.

-"Okay then. Follow me to the living room, we'll wait for the others there." Misono finally gave up. They sat at the table talking about trivial things until the other guests showed up. The C3 members came last, which Mikuni was glad for. It would have been disturbing to be face to face with Tsurugi, even if Jeje and the others were there. At least now he was approximately sure the situation wouldn't degenerate too much. That didn't prevent him from tensing up, though, but he was able to relax when he felt Jeje's presence beside him. He could tell the servamp was being protective by the peculiar aura he was emitting.

Soon enough everyone was chit chatting, eating the snacks Mahiru brought. Tsubaki came with Sakuya only, and Junichiro couldn't make it to the party since he had no one to keep his son. So the only C3 members present were Tsurugi and Yumikage. Hyde who was already starting to feel bored suggested they play truth or dare. Admittedly, it wasn't a bad idea, and they all kind of wanted to learn more about the people here.

"Okay, I will start! Nii-san! Truth or dare ?" Hyde exclaimed pointing at Kuro. The latter mumbled a 'can't deal' and chose truth since he was too lazy to move. Predictable.

-" I will be nice since it's the first round... do you love Mahiru?"

Said eve blushed madly at the question while the spectators thought to themselves it wasn't such a nice question. Kuro glared at Hyde as if saying 'are you kidding me?' but answered nonetheless.

-" You're annoying... you know we're dating, did you have to make me say it in front of everyone? Seriously."

There was a blank before some of them yelled in unison, those who had already figured it out just smirked at the pair. Mahiru was far worse than a tomato by now.

-"Oh by the way, Lichtan and I are also dating!" Lawless declared proudly.

More screaming ensued, the most part made by the hedgehog himself as he was receiving his angel's wrath. The rest sweatdropped at the scene. It would be Kuro's turn to choose a 'victim'... when the greed pair would be done, that was.

[writings-of-dumpy]

Bloodshot - Stiles Song Imagine

A/N: I love Dove Cameron, mmkay? So yeah. Here’s this 2k pile of blah.

Being friends with Stiles was so easy, right from the first day you met in kindergarten and ever since, your friendship with Stiles was a constant and wonderful thing. As you got older, things changed as they often do. You started to notice butterflies in your stomach and a small ache in your chest when he was around. You couldn’t explain it away, so you chose to ignore it. Stiles was easily your best friend and the person you go to the most with all of your problems or anxieties, and you were his go-to when he was going through a rough time. You were the first to know about Scott’s new lycanthropy as Stiles had called you to come over and help him research the topic. When you asked why, Stiles told you everything—his fears, his hopes for a cure, and his worry for the guy he considered a brother. You calmed him down and assured him that everything would be fine, and hugged him close as you often had. Butterflies and a twinging sensation spread throughout your whole body at how close he was. It had never happened before and the two of you had embraced plenty of times. And now you know why—you were in love with him.

You had fallen deeply for Stiles, but had done nothing to act on those feelings because you didn’t want to admit that they were real. When he and Malia had shown that they were together, your heart sank to the depths of the Earth. The moment they kissed at a get-together Lydia was throwing had served to both confirm your feelings and make you painfully aware of them. You felt sick, embarrassed and hurt all at once and excused yourself from the room with Lydia close behind.

“Hey, are you okay?” she asked you.

“Um, yeah, I’m fine. I just needed some fresh air… it’s a little stuffy in the basement,” you said with a laugh.

“Oh, okay… Well come back in when you’re ready,” Lydia said with a small smile and a comforting pat on the arm.

You took a deep breath and gathered yourself back together and went back inside before anyone else would notice your absence.

Stiles had been dating Malia for a while now, and things seemed to be sticking. You were happy for them, honestly, because Stiles was happy. They were a good match, you thought. Malia needed someone down-to-earth enough to help her with daily life, but also someone who understood her unique situation, and the perfect person for the job was Stiles. Stiles enjoyed being with her, too. He often told you about something she did that day that he found endearing or something similar he found in her that he knows in himself, most notably the color coding. You smiled and cheered him on and hoped for his happiness, even if it meant you weren’t in the picture the way you wanted.

One day you were walking in the halls and you heard Kira call your name from behind you. You turned around and saw the hallway was empty except for her and you. The lights flickered slightly and shone on the tile floors in different shades of yellow.

Yellow? I thought the floor was blue. I guess they painted it… you thought.

Kira walked toward you and you could swear her footsteps changed the color of the lights to varying degrees of purple and green. It was a beautiful sight, and you felt yourself smile at her neat trick.

“Are you alright..?” Kira asked gently. “You’re supposed to be in physics with us, remember?”

You looked at her quizzically. “Physics..? Oh! Oh, right…”

Kira’s brow furrowed and she walked you back to class and you sat in your seat next to Lydia. You didn’t pay attention to the snide comment your teacher undoubtedly made (seriously, why are all of the teachers total dicks at this school? How have they not been fired yet?) and opened your book.

“Um, it’s upside down,” Lydia whispered. You looked at the book then turned it to where you thought was right-side up. The words on the page were blurry and your eyes burned even more when you looked at them. After a few minutes, Lydia passed you a note. You could barely read it as it seemed to have been written on a blue sheet of paper that shone in your eyes. It was a beautiful and foreign color, but not quite good for reading off of. You managed to make out the small message: “Are you okay?!”

You wrote back: “Maybe a little tired.”

It was true—you were exhausted. You hadn’t slept in nearly seven days and you had done your best to try and act normal, but your attempts had clearly been failing today. You dreaded the thought that you’ll soon fall asleep whether you wanted to or not because all you could dream about was Stiles. There were good dreams and bad ones, but they both left you with an ache in your chest when you woke up, so you elected to not sleep for as long as you could.

“Hey, you don’t look so good… Maybe you should go home and sleep?” Lydia suggested after the class had ended.

“Hm, maybe,” you said and started to walk with them out of the building.

“Hey, guys!” you heard Stiles say from beside the three of you in the hallway. He and Malia were walking side by side as they approached your group. You weren’t sure if you were dreaming or not, but decided to play it cool anyway.

“We were thinking about going bowling tonight. Wanna come?” Malia asked. You felt like you were on fire and a black hole had taken up residence in your chest, and you were so fatigued and exhausted that nothing looked real, so you assumed it must be a dream. Why else would the sky be a dull peach color? But you knew you’d eventually wake up, so you nodded your head and smiled.

“Are you alright..?” Stiles asked you.

“I’m fantastic, Stiles Stilinski,” you declared with a grin and walked away.

“I think she’s losing her mind,” Lydia commented with a sigh. You chuckled to yourself and thought that she was probably right.

You managed to walk home and realize that you weren’t dreaming, which was a relief. You didn’t want to wake up with a pain in your heart and tears to follow. What you should do was go to bed, but you couldn’t stand the thought of a dream so lovely it broke your heart, so you decided to push forward until your body didn’t give you the option anymore.

A few hours passed and the line between dreams and reality began to blur. You felt your phone vibrate periodically but couldn’t quite make it to answer. You felt completely out of your head; it was like nothing could hurt you because you weren’t real. You could hear white noise in your head and your ears rang off and on, but you weren’t paying it any mind. You lost track of all time and before you knew it, the sky was black and full of gold and white stars. You looked out the window at them and saw them dance and form shapes that you never thought possible.

You were pulled from your trance by a knocking at your door that seemed to come from miles away. Reality seemed like a distant concept and you felt it only polite to allow the hallucination to continue. You opened your door that looked like it had been warped (maybe by the yellow dancing stars?) and saw a sight that both devastated and elated you.

“Oh, hello there, Stiles,” you said. He was surrounded by stars of all shapes and colors and you had to focus hard to see him in front of you. His expression was one of deep concern and he spoke slowly.

“Hey… are you okay?” he said lowly. You smiled sadly and let what you assumed to be a dream inside. Even though you knew it was all in your head, any time with Stiles is time you cherished.

“I’m peachy,” you replied once he was inside.

“Why didn’t you come to bowling with us? And why didn’t you answer your phone?” he asked in quick succession.

You felt your mouth open, but nothing came out. You repeated the movement a few times and Stiles’ expression grew even more concerned.

“Y/N, how much sleep have you had?” he asked. You shrugged and sat down, but didn’t quite make it to the couch, so you fell onto the floor.

“Fitting,” you chuckled to yourself with your face against the carpet.

You felt Stiles pick you up and he placed you on the couch. You felt dizzy and your vision was starting to blur again, so you rubbed your eyes vigorously.

“Y/N, why aren’t you sleeping enough..?” Stiles asked again. You pulled your hands away from your eyes and were satisfied to see that your vision had cleared and so had most of the floaties. Your head was still hazy, so you figured this must still be a dream. You looked at his eyes and he frowned. “Your eyes are so bloodshot, bug…”

Your heart pounded at the pet name he often used for you, and you smiled slightly, then said, “Well I suppose this is better than staring at the fan all night waiting until morning.”

“How long has that been going on..?” Stiles asked. His hand gently rubbed your arm and you felt like you were going to break down in front of him, but held strong. You could cry when you woke up, but not in the dream.

“Like a week, bro,” you mused with a smile.

Stiles shook his head in disbelief. “Why?”

“It’s harder to see you’re not mine with my bloodshot eyes,” you professed.

Stiles sat there for a moment with a blank stare and you hoped to wake up very soon. Stiles let out a breath and pulled your face to his, then kissed your lips with a ferocity that mimicked the fire you felt when he was around. You smiled and kissed him back and thanked whoever was looking out for you for this dream feeling so real.

“Come on, you need sleep, darling,” Stiles said after the two of you separated and scooped you into his arms.

“I don’t want to wake up,” you mumbled to yourself and felt your vision fade to black.

You woke up to your hair being gently petted and the smell of a familiar cologne that you couldn’t mistake. You looked up and sure enough, Stiles’ soft eyes met yours.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty… Well, afternoon,” he said with a small chuckle.

“How did you get here..?” you asked after propping yourself up off of his chest.

Stiles’ hand gently smoothed a piece of hair from your face and he held your cheek gently. “When you weren’t picking up your phone, I got worried, so I came over… And then you fell asleep on the way to your room.”

“And you stayed..?” you asked with a raised brow.

“Of course I did. Especially after… well, how bold I was,” Stiles said and shifted to sit up more and face you.

Your eyes went wide and your heart pounded in your ears. “That was real..?”

Stiles smiled sheepishly and nodded. “I hope you’re not mad… I just hated how sad you looked and I had to let you know that I am yours.”

You felt as though your insides sunk you your feet at his words. Not only were you embarrassed at the exhaustion-induced confession but also confused and hopeful about Stiles’ feelings towards you.

“What do you mean?” you asked him cautiously. “You’re with Malia.”

Stiles nodded slightly. “Right… We broke up. It was like a week ago, and I didn’t tell anyone because I guess I wasn’t that upset by it. When I saw you last night I realized… I realized that it’s always been you. You’re the one I’ve been wanting all this time.”

You felt your eyes well up with tears and it took everything to keep them from flowing down your cheeks. You looked at him and smiled softly. “I want you too.”

Stiles smiled and pulled you against him in a warm hug. You wrapped your arms around him and let out a breath as you felt everything fall into place.

[m-602]

Fiendish Dread

((I promised a story today. It’s definitely a bit late for it, but I finished it anyways.))

((I wanted to flesh M out a little bit, specifically Prime M. Therefore, this story establishes the threat his home faces, as well as what kind of strength M possess in his prime.))

((If you want a bit of backstory on Prime M and Mors Finem, please read The Guardian for context.))

((Warning! Contains violence and mentions of death!))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Mourning Forest, M

It’s only been three weeks since M had returned to his home. Things, oddly enough, have gotten rather lively, especially for a literal ghost town such as Mors Finem.

The hardest part of it all was rebuilding, really. You’d think a town of the dead wouldn’t have need for such a thing - while true, the Residents insisted on doing so. If they were to continue existing despite their deaths, they might as well feel like they’re alive.

In reality, they just wanted their homes back. Which is a fine enough reason anyway.

Everyone manages to find something to do. Since food is no longer an issue, most shops that have been reopened to sell mostly miscellaneous things: flowers, sports equipment, anything that’s mainly for appreciation or entertainment. Otherwise, the Residents mingle with each other quite often. You’d be hard pressed not to find a group of child spirits playing together as their parents share stories with each other.

It’s quite peaceful. It’s almost like nothing ever happened to these people. And M has made it his mission to keep them safe. From what exactly is a mystery to even him. 

He can occasionally be seen interacting with the Residents - it’d be rude of him not to talk to his own people! Most of the time, though, he resided in the Mourning Forest (the Residents chose the name - he personally finds it a little odd, even if it’s slightly fitting) patrolling near the town’s perimeter. Something… peculiar has him on edge, and he’s not quite sure what.

Recent events have him even more confused. For all that he’s searched, he’s found nothing. Nothing but the quiet, save for the bustling spirit town. It’s left him questioning what exactly he was so worried about.

He’s honestly willing to chalk it up to anxiety. It hasn’t even been a month since he found the lingering town… Since he found his friends and loved ones waiting for him. Perhaps the thought of losing them again decided to place subtle seeds of worry in his mind. He had watched them all perish all those years ago after all. It’d make sense that he’d want to prevent such a thing from repeating.

* Heh. Guess I’m a natural “worry wort”. Everything’s probably fine by now.

With that thought, his mind wanders to his travels. He hasn’t been to too many worlds. He immediately thinks of those “monster” and “timepiece” worlds he loved so much. He hasn’t seen those people in quite some time. With how much he’s changed, he doubts that they’ll immediately recognize them. If anyone would, it would likely be someone from the “monster” world - after all, he made his tail coat there! Though originally a costume, it was actually quite comfy.

The point was, if everything was okay here, he could journey again. He knew the Residents wouldn’t mind - so long as they were safe, he could do whatever he wished to do. And considering that they’ve been fine for so long (even though they were in hiding), nothing of concern should be prevalent here.

He decided to relax for once, taking a more leisurely stroll through the forest. This place… it was where he died. Where his new “life” had started. Being back here still felt so odd to him, even after a few weeks.

He took in the warm forest air, relishing in the occasional gust of wind. Although any part of the forest close to the town was devastated, the forest at large was intact and full of life. It was a rather stark contrast, seeing the remaining dead plants so close to fertile and blooming soil.

A contrast M relished in, enjoying it as a natural decor to the town within.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mors Finem, Kat

What a lovely day out! The partially cloudy sky was so vibrant and pretty! Everyone in town seemed to be in high spirits, Kat included.

She was greeting some recent wanderers. While her big brother was in charge of keeping them safe, she decided to be the welcoming committee! It was easy to tell when more spirits were on the way - being spirits themselves, everyone could feel it.

None of them minded it, either. Space was really a none-issue.

“Welcome… At home…”

Her broken speech delivered the message adequately as the newcomers happily relished in their new home. She’s honestly glad the limited communication her current state imposes aren’t that much of a hindrance. She doesn’t even want to imagine what kind of nightmare that would be like.

She takes a moment to wander the town, greeting everyone she sees. Out of everyone, she was definitely the most cheerful and optimistic, especially after her big brother returned! She honestly didn’t understand why everyone was so down when they first woke up. They all had a second chance at life, in a way at least.

Just when she was about to visit mom, she saw something move in the forest. She was about to rush towards M to tell him what she saw… but she didn’t. Instead of finding her brother, she pursued whatever she saw.

* This is my big chance! I want to be just like you, big bro. I’ll prove that I can do it!

With that childish though in mind, she pressed on into the Mourning Forest.

…

The dead parts of the forest always unnerved her. She didn’t know if it was because of how creepy the dead trees looked or if it was due to what killed them in the first place. The catastrophe that killed them all…

She shook her head, trying not to think about it.

Her earlier bravado was quickly being sapped by the gloomy environment. Fear began to slowly make its way up her spectral spine, threatening to take her whole and drag her out of the woods. She attempted to shake it off, trying to maintain a brave facade. She could do it. She could be brave, just like her brother!

Just when she was on the verge of convincing herself that she, indeed, could do this, she heard movement from her left. She faced the source of the noise: a pair of withering bushes. She inched closer and closer, repeating an ‘I’m brave’ mantra in her head.

When she was right in front of them, one of the “bushes” opened their… eye? The other “bush” opened their eye. Both then began to… fly?! It was made apparent that these weren’t bushes at all! Now in the air, it was apparent that these were some kind of weird monsters!

Even with broken speech…

… her screams were as clear as day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Mourning Forest, M

The scream was audible throughout the entire forest. He knew who scream belonged to. He knew what that kind of scream meant.

Instantly, small blue flames seemed to fill the entire forest. The trees themselves seemed to figuratively shudder and bend to his will. His anger could be felt everywhere.

Someone was threatening his little sister. That someone is about to be torn apart.

He rushed forward as fast as possible, his blue eyes burning with murderous wrath. Blue fireballs seemed to follow him as he ran to the more… dead parts of the forest.

Another scream rang out. M almost seemed to run faster, desperate to get there before something terrible happened to Kat.

There was something in the forest. His worries were valid after all. And it just had to choose his sister as a victim.

* Not about to happen. She already died. She already suffered! I’m not letting her soul be destroyed, either!

What was really a few minutes of running felt like hours to the panicking lich. He heard what sounded like inhuman screeching to his left. There he saw his sister being chased by… flying eyeballs?!

Not missing a beat, he flings a spectral scythe between Kat and her pursuers. M seems to vanish for an instant before reappearing before the glowing weapon. Behind him, his sister speaks up.

“Bro…!”

He turned to her. She was unharmed, but looked on the verge of tears.

“Just… wanted…”

He interrupted her, well aware of what she was going to say. His voice held a paranormal echo, adding on to a dead serious, yet gentle, tone.

“Don’t worry about it. Just go. I’ve got this.”

Nodding, she instantly booked it for the town, her bravado instantly replaced with scared tears.

M looks on at the creatures, eyeing them with a terrifying glare. Beneath his eyes, you can see a part of his face separate into a mouth. A jagged, sharp mouth that looks similar to a sinister jack-o-lantern. A mouth that creates a terrifying smile.

The flames brighten around him.

* Time to rip and tear.

One of the monsters closes both its wings and eye, still floating in midair. Suddenly, it opens both, firing a strange wave of energy at M.

Instantly, a barrier manifests around him. He then brings his scythe up before charging at the offending monster. He leaps up to it, managing to get some height above it, before swinging his scythe down with tremendous force, bring him down with it. A fiery shock-wave fills the area, and with a screech, the monster falls to the ground, felled in a single blow. It proceeds to… fade away? As it does, a blackened wisp seems to fly out of it!

* A soul?! And such a dark one, too! The only way a soul can get like that…

* … is if great hate and envy consume it.

Are these strange creatures some strange form of vengeful spirits? It didn’t matter at the moment, since they were going to be torn apart anyway.

The other monster rushed towards him, baring its sharp teeth.

It… didn’t get far. A strange, dark barrier surrounded the barrier, lined with strange ethereal chains. A crushing force seemed to overtake the monster before it burst, the blackened wisp escaping it instantly.

His spirit cages are normally used to destroy malevolent spirits who can’t be reasoned with. But these seemed to be spirits angry at their death. He couldn’t blame them for that, even if he was currently furious with them. Simply destroying the bodies seemed to be effective enough.

With both threats seemingly taken care of, M relaxed, resting his scythe next to him. He began to ponder what kind of souls would be so racked with envy that they’d become such fiendish creatures.

Fiendish…

* Fiends… A fitting name for this kind of creature.

His thoughts were interrupted by more screaming. Wasting no time, he rushed to the town, already guessing what the issue was.

…

He reached the town, instantly seeing the threat. While most of the Residents managed to flee, three spirits were surrounded by monsters. A chimera-like monster seemed to be holding one by the neck.

M launched a blue fireball at the monster, causing it to lose its grip on the Resident. The other two monsters, which looked like strange, wingless dragons. The spirits managed to get away before things got messy.

One of the dragons launched a stream of fire breathe at M. He spun his scythe in front of him, blocking the attack before launching the weapon at the offending creature. It ripped straight through, releasing a wisp as it gave out a dying roar.

The other dragon went to charge him. Recalling the scythe, he spun around the dragon before bringing the scythe down on its back. It ripped through the scales, killing it instantly.

M then turned to the chimera. It looked a lot tougher than the other monsters, and was ready to go out with a fight. The lich’s still present smile widened, happy to oblige.

The chimera rushed him, bringing both claws down on him. In an instant, a barrier surrounded him, allowing him to get a clean swing across the chimera’s chest.

With a roar from the main head, a bull’s head, it stumbled back. One of its heads, a lion’s head, growled as fire seemed to engulf its left hand. M managed to avoid the coming fireball, looking up to see another head, a bird head, breathe in deep. Knowing what was coming, M seemed to vanish, instantly reappearing above the beast’s snake like tail. He landed on the tail, effectively pinning the beast in place as he throws his scythe forward. It levitates in place, spinning like a buzzsaw as it tears through the monster. In a flash, the body vanishes into the blackened wisp.

For a while, silence rang out across the town. The flames died down, the danger no longer present. After a while, ghastly cheers rang out, grateful for M’s defense against the Fiends.

M’s mouth finally closed, no longer needing to look terrifying. As if that was needed to at all.

Kat rushed toward him, hugging him tightly. She seemed relieved at the threat finally passing. Apprehension, however, was clear in her tense form.

“Kat, what you did was incredibly risky… I know you wanted to be brave, but you need to be careful, okay?”

He didn’t even sound mad. His voice had lost the paranormal echo before, a more relaxed, soothing tone replacing it. His sister nodded.

“I’m sorry I didn’t catch this threat before. I knew there was something out there, but had no idea where exactly they were hiding.”

He paused. It seems something just came to mind. He speaks up again, loud enough for everyone to hear.

“I don’t mean to scare you all. But judging by the nature of these creatures, these Fiends, there are likely to be more hiding in the forest.”

The cheering faces immediately shifted to worried expressions.

“Don’t worry. I’ll ensure those things stay far away from here. And if they should attack again…”

His eyes glow ominously. The echo seems to return.

“I’ll be ready.”

Guess journeying will have to wait… after all…

His job is to dispel such fiendish dread.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

((If you never played Final Fantasy X, or any Final Fantasy game for that matter, you’ll have no idea what those creatures were, let alone how Fiends normally work. If that’s the case, I apologize. I tried my best to accommodate for that.))

((Basically, think of Fiends as rebellious spirits. They hate that they had to die while others get to live, so they come back as horrible creatures that prey on others. In this case, these spirits hate how the Residents get to remain as spirits, so they lash out at them.))

((Feel free to share this story if you want! If you have any more questions, or want to request a story, feel free to ask me!))

((I have some more story ideas planned ahead! ^w^))

[j-wonwootrash]

S.Coups || Next Door Pt.2

Word count: 2k Genre: College!au, fluff, drama, comedy, slice of life, romance A/N: I was really happy to know the first part of this mini series got many responds. *cries* Here’s part 2! Enjoy!

Pt.1 || Pt.2 || Pt.3 final

“You tell me what I don’t know.”

----------

The camp was healing for you, stress-free from baby-sitting and away from Seungcheol. A lot of things happened: ice-breaking games, team building, plans for the upcoming events etc. The last day was mainly a rest day. You already bought souvenirs and now you were heading back to the cabin. You hopped into the hammock outside when Mingyu and Seungkwan called you for a little snack time. 

“Y/N, want to join us?” Mingyu asked, with Seungkwan following as he did his ballerina twirl- which he called it a boollinera twirl, to convince you to come. 

“In a sec.” you soon followed the others after you got a drink from refrigerator. Your phone vibrated but you chose to answer it when you’ve reached the table. Video call huh, “Yes Seungcheol?” 

“Yah Y/N! I thought you’re coming back today?” 

You just laugh at the devastated look on his face. “We’ll leave after we eat.” 

“You better! Jaewon won’t stop crawling all over me, like last night! I’m dead tired!” you hear him telling of your nephew to stop climbing onto the center table.

“How does it feel like having 2 sons?” you put emphasis onto the ‘sons’. A chuckle came from Mingyu and Seungkwan, who were eavesdropping.

“Alright alright I get what you mean! Just get them already!” he cut the call. You waved your phone in the air. “It’s fun seeing him so worried.” 

“Noona you’re evil but he deserves it.” Seungkwan said as gave you a high-five. ----------

Jonghyun dropped you off and you thanked him. “Have a good rest Y/N.” 

“You too pres.” you waved at him and drove off. Immediately you ran to Seungcheol’s apartment, worried for the fact something bad may happened to Jaewon and Jaemin. As you pressed onto the doorbell, Seungcheol opened the door with Jaemin in this arms. The aura emitting from the guy, you could tell it was not a good one. 

“You’re late but finally you’re here.” he managed to smile at least for a bit.

“Sorry for letting you do this all by yourself.” you carried Jaemin. He didn’t respond so you assumed he was tired, you felt bad for him but he has done a great job for babysitting them. 

“You’re only apologizing now?” 

“Nothing’s ever too late, right?” you packed the bottles in the bag. Jaewon came along and asked you to carry him. “Sweetie, Auntie can’t carry you anymore. You’ve gotten bigger.” 

Seungcheol, to your surprise, carried him and Jaewon gave him a peck on the cheek. “Auntie Y/N is mean, isn’t she?” 

“C’mon don’t confuse the child.” you hit Seungcheol. “We’re leaving.”

“Wait, I should get a reward for taking care of the babies.” he pulled you close to him. “Perhaps you can cook us dinner?”  ----------

Per usual you cooked mashed potato for the boys and all kinds of seasoned chicken for the two of you. While he waited, he played with the boys. He was like a child himself, playful and carefree. So he does have this side of him. 

The aroma of the garlic flavor made Seungcheol drool in hunger. You laughed at the sight of the boy, devouring every meat. “You know you can cook for me every dinner.” 

“That’s the reward you wanted? I thought Mingyu cooks for you?” you took a bite off the chicken wing. 

“He rarely comes here so I mostly eat instant food,” he stared at you, who was now staring at him too. “Yeah I know it’s unhealthy and because I live alone.” 

Right he does live alone. You never knew why and you never bothered. It got you curious for a while but it eventually faded. You felt bad for not giving him anything in return after he agreed to your request. “I’ll cook for you, but that doesn’t mean I forgive you for what you did in the past.” 

“Yes!” he stood as he raised his hands up. It became silent immediately when he sat back down. “I know you’ll never forgive me, but I’ll say this, even if it takes eternity. I’m sorry, really..” 

You nodded, but as you remembered it made you irritated. “I gotta leave, the babies are tired.” you said and he tagged along with you even if you lived next door. 

The 3 year old was asleep in his right arm. “Jaewon won’t leave my arms.” he whispered to you. “Then let him be.” you yawned as you sat on the couch. 

“How will I sleep then?” he asked you, but he didn’t receive a response from you. When he looked at you, you were fast asleep too. He smiled at this lovely sight, later cringed at himself for feeling this way towards you. Ugh why, we’re not even a family. His sudden movement woke the kid up. “Omo, did Uncle wake you up? Sorry.” he placed the kid beside you. 

He tiptoed gently and closed the door of your apartment. Once he entered his, he rubbed his heating face. This is bad.. 

He sat on the sofa and stretched his legs from exhaustion. The look from your face earlier was full of bitterness. As he looked back from a year ago, he regretted it, so much. 

“Y/N you better finish this asap!” Nayoung said, peeking her head out to check out on you. 

“Yeah just give me few more minutes!” you called out as you got down from the ladder with pens attached to your hair. 

“Hyung give me back my phone!” Chan yelled at the hall. “Hyung!” 

Seungcheol laughed so hard he wasn’t aware of his surroundings. 

“You can’t catch me.” he yelled back. 

As he ran, he tripped from a distance and you saw everything slow down. He crashed onto the ladder you stood at, you saw yourself falling to the ground. You closed your eyes and you felt something heavy was on top of you. 

“Y/N!” 

You opened your eyes and gasped. It wasn’t something on top, it was someone. And it was Seungcheol. He was surprised too but you were even more surprised to see his hands on your chest. He smiled in embarrassment but he guessed you took it wrongly. 

“Get off me!” you kicked him and crawled backwards, covering your chest. 

“I’m sorry Y/N! It was an accident!” he clapped his hands together as he pleaded for forgiveness. 

“Sorry you say? You were smiling for goodness' sake! Pervert!” 

Seungcheol sighed as he remembered it. “It was an accident though.”  ----------

The days went on when Seungcheol continued to babysit your nephews. As a matter of fact everyone got used to it that the babies didn’t want to leave Seungcheol. They would always whine or cry if they don’t see him even for a minute. Like they’ve become the best uncle ever.

You celebrated Jaemin’s first birthday at your place and Seungcheol’s friends gave him lots of toys and clothes. “Guys you know if you give him a lot they’ll all end up at my living room.” 

“But he’s so cute. Aren’t ya?” Seungcheol gave him pecks on the neck. 

The rest of the boys were used to Seungcheol’s new side, because he was the leader of the group so he was like the father to them. “I’ll just wait for Hyung to have a baby of his own.” Minghao said out of nowhere. 

“We’ll see if he can handle them.” Soonyoung laughed as he hit Seungcheol.

“Yah you think I couldn’t handle 2 when I have to take care the 12 of you every time you come to my place?” 

The day ended quickly and you were in the middle of cleaning. Gladly you had a spare box where you would put the toys in it. “It’s dinner, do you want to eat anything?” you asked him. 

“Nah I still have some leftovers from last night.” he threw Jaewon in the air and caught him. 

“It’s alright. I did say I’d cook anything for you.” you said as prepared for dinner. 

“Careful of what you say. Or else I’ll pinch your cheeks.” he said in a low tone.

You laughed out loud, “I think you would never touch me after that. Anyway, you gotta tell me what you like-” you turned around to see him, already so close to you. 

He stared into your soul with those eyes, puppy eyes. He later chuckled because you were taken aback from his actions. “Did I scare you? I’m sorry.” The boy went back for the couch with the 2 boys. “Samgyeopsal and kimchi pancakes.” 

“Roger.” ----------

You hummed as you drove off to your parents' place. After nearly two weeks of not seeing them, you anticipated the souvenirs they brought from Hawaii. It rained hard and the droplets scared Jaemin. “Shh now, it’s okay sweetie, we’re near Grandad and Granny. Just a little longer.” you cooed him. 

Once you arrived, your parents immediately took the boys. “We’ll manage from here. Off you go dear.” your mother assured you. “You’ll be late for work.” 

The rain became heavier than before and you were feeling a little dizzy. You guessed it was probably the weather change. You didn’t want to entertain the drowsiness but it left an effect on you as you drove.

Your phone vibrated a missed call, it was Nayoung. “Y/N, boss said not to come, the weather’s gotten worse. We’re fine for now and he did say to come back tomorrow instead. See you.” 

By this time you were relieved to know you have a day off. You opened your umbrella and ran inside. Seungcheol saw you as he rested by the windowsill, he smiled because he wanted to know if the kids miss him or not. 

When you got out of the lift, he heard continuous coughs that echoed the hallway. “Y/N?” 

He saw you slammed the door open but not bothering to close it, his guts told him something was wrong. “Y/N?” As he walked into your apartment, he saw you crawling onto the floor. “Hey hey.” you felt him pull you up. 

“Get off me you jerk.” you growled in your now husky voice. Feisty he thought. “I’m here to help. And man, you’re burning with a fever.” he carried you to your sofa. 

“Leave me. There’s nothing you can do.” you shoved him off, kicked his leg. 

Seungcheol was pissed at your behaviour. He was all kind and caring to your nephews and he thought you acknowledged his efforts. Your sigh told him to leave you but he couldn’t, not in your state now. He tried to take off your coat but you nudged him. 

She’s cranky when she’s sick? he thought. 

Why was he so stubborn? Why was he clingy? Why did he force his way into your life when all you wanted was peace and quiet? 

“I said leave me!” you pushed him to the floor. “I won’t let you touch me!” 

You wondered why he always insisted. Couldn't he tell you wanted to be alone? Couldn't he realize that he was taking things for granted when you both couldn’t resolve the problem from the past? 

He couldn’t take it, he forcefully removed your coat and wrapped you in a blanket, he tugged the ends of the blanket so you won’t escape. “I got no choice but to at least make sure you’re alright!” Seungcheol held you tight, even if you tried to move your way out. 

He tightened his grip a little, you still budge. “Stop it Seungcheol!” you spat the words you hoped he would leave you alone, but he stayed and didn’t move. Your head spun in circles and you chose to ignore it. 

“You think you know it all but you don’t!” he had enough of your two faced personality. You made him confused, the way you behaved with or without your nephews.

You sat up as you pointed at him. “Oh yeah?! I saw it first hand!” you gestured your chest, implying what he did to you. “You tell me what I don’t kno-!” 

“My love for you!” he yelled back and his voice silenced you.

“Wha-” you got cut off again, he lowered his tone. 

“Yeah that’s right. I love you.”

[godswritingfreak]

The Pathfinder - ME:A

Universe: Mass Effect: Andromeda Characters: Logan Holden, Cherise Holden (mentioned)

Logan slowly blinked into consciousness, watching the dull steel ceiling shift from a tired blur to properly sharp vision. He blinked once model trying to remember what happened. It was all a blur. One second he was watching the sky clear with his father, the next he was… here.

Before he could ask himself where exactly here was, a familiar voice rang out. “Welcome back, Logan.”

It was the AI of the Hyperion ark, SAM. As good a place as any to get some answers while his brain woke up. “What happened?”

“You were clinically dead for twenty-two seconds.”

He sat up, groaning as his body resisted the action. “What… what about the others? What about my dad?”

Sudden movement from the ground in front of him made Logan jump, until he recognized it as Liam. “Hey… you're still with us!”

He stood up, looking tired. Logan guessed he'd been sitting there watching over him until he fell asleep. Liam blinked it away as he activated his omni-tool’s comm. “Guys, get to SAM Node, Holden’s awake!” After the message, he lowered his arm and looked closer at Logan. “Who were you talking to?”

“SAM,” Logan answered matter-of-factly, thinking it was obvious.

“I didn't hear him…” Liam replied, sounding confused.

Further discussion was cut off as Cora and Lexi ran in. The asari quickly began opening diagnostics on her omni-tool while Cora stood off to the side to take her own look at Logan.

“You're up!” Cora greeted as she walked in, obviously grateful to see he'd pulled through.

“Look here,” Lexi instructed, holding her omni-tool arm to one side.

Logan did, then she moved her arm to the other side. “Now here.”

She seemed satisfied as he followed her motions, but something else caught Logan's eye. A discarded helmet. N7. His father's.

“Where's my dad?” He asked, glancing up to Cora.

The Lieutenant glanced down, avoiding Logan's gaze, then shared a glance with Lexi, who seemed at a loss for words. Logan's gut wrenched. He prayed he wasn't about to hear what he thought he was.

“It was your life or his,” Cora answered finally. “And he chose yours.”

Logan's heart skipped a beat. He squeezed his eyes shut and lowered his head, fingers gripping into his pants as he tried to process that. His father was dead. Elite N7 soldier, lead Pathfinder of the Hyperion ark, one of the first humans to touch down on a world of the Andromeda galaxy. Dead. To save his son. Logan swallowed and opened his eyes again, forcing himself to relax.

“I'm sorry Logan,” Cora continued after giving him his moment. “I know this must be a blow.”

Logan nodded. “He… he did what he had to. He saved me, saved the team. We would've all died down there if he hadn't…” his voice hitched, so he took a breath and sighed, head lowering again. “I just can't believe he's gone…”

There was silence for a moment, not quite awkward, but not quite respectful distance either. Cora eventually broke it.

“You know… he once said, that when his time came, he wanted to go out among stars that no one has seen before.”

Logan nodded. Liam came up behind Cora, put a hand on her shoulder, then came up and did the same to Logan. He did his best to remember that Cora and his dad were also fairly close. She had to be devastated by this too. He shook his head, he knew this would be dangerous, and he couldn't do anything else about it right now. Certainly not with a room full of people. Instead, he took a breath and questioned said room.

“What, ah, what are we doing in SAM Node anyway?” Logan asked with a final sniff and steadying breath.

This definitely wasn't the medbay, Logan had been sleeping on essentially a metal slab, which had caused an ache in his shoulders. No, this was the room that SAM essentially lived in, where his interface and core was found. Definitely not where you'd take someone who had clinically died for twenty-two seconds.

Lexi stepped forward. “SAM is… a part of you now. In a way we don't fully understand. It played havoc with your brain.

What the heck did that mean? “SAM?” Logan called out to the room.

“Your father authorized the transfer of Pathfinder authority to you,” the AI answered.

“Wait, what!?” Logan exclaimed. “Me? Why me? I thought that was supposed to be Cora!” What did this mean?

“In theory, yes,” Cora responded evenly. “In reality… You're the new Pathfinder, Logan.”

Logan just stared at Cora. Then glanced at Liam and Lexi. No one was laughing so it wasn't a joke. No, this was real. Logan was now the leader of humanity's exploration of Andromeda, responsible for everyone on Hyperion, light years away from the home they all knew, over six hundred years of travel. And his father was dead, and his sister trapped in stasis for who knows how long. God, his sister. How was he supposed to handle that? She hadn’t had any further complications since he’d left, had she?

He rubbed his face with his hands and took another in a long line of deep breaths. “I… I…”

“What's the matter?” Liam asked, crossing his arms. “I think you're up for it.”

Logan gave him an incredulous look. “Really? I mean, I don't have any kind of training for this though. Why would my dad do this?”

Liam shrugged. “Your father had faith in you. And I've seen what you can do back on Habitat 7. I say run with it.”

“It's all academic anyway,” Lexi cut in. “SAM’s linked to your mind on a deeper level now. Trying to untangle it… could kill you.”

“I know this is tough,” Cora said. “But, we need to start thinking about the next step. A lot of people are counting on us.”

Logan nodded and ran his hand through his hair, wondering when he’d be able to stop taking deep breaths to steady himself. Today was a heck of a day. “Is, um, is the ark… okay? Is it still drifting?”

Liam answered. “That’s the thing, whatever your dad did with that tower, it saved the day. Some sort of atmosphere scrubber.”

Cora nodded. “The energy cloud thinned out. We’re on our way to the rally point now. Should be at the Nexus soon.”

“He needs to rest first,” Lexi stated sternly.

Cora looked at the doctor. “He’s got two hours.” She glanced back at Logan. “We’ll need our Pathfinder for this.”

Cora nodded to Liam, then jerked her head from Lexi to the door, and the three of them began to file out. Logan, however, called to Liam to wait a moment. He waited just long enough for the others to leave before opening his mouth, but Liam beat him to it.

“I checked on your sister. Still no change,” he said, warranting a relaxing sigh from Logan. “And hey, if you can pull through, so can she.”

He chuckled and gave a small smile. “Yeah. She’s always been tougher than me.”

Liam shrugged. “Bit of your dad in both of you.”

“Thanks,” Logan said as Liam headed out the door.

Silence permeated the room. Logan hung his head, no longer feeling the need to look strong for the others. It was something of an automatic response, he guessed, but this was a lot to take on. Sure, he’d had Alliance military training, but this was… He’d never been in a leadership position before, not like this. And this wasn’t just some assigned commander that had been killed, it was his father. Now he was left here, alone, no dad, no sister, no one he really knew to talk to. What was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to lead these people?

“Your father will be missed,” the familiar slightly fuzzy voice of the AI finally spoke up again.

“I don’t know what I’m doing, what I’m going to do,” Logan told him, feeling his throat tighten. “I don’t know what’s going on.”

“This is our private channel,” SAM started. “I shared it with him.”

Not exactly the answer he was looking for, but it was something. “Why did he do it? Why did he pick me?”

“Unknown. But he never acted without reason.” That was only a little satisfying. “Alec wouldn’t want us to lose sight of the goal. He said pain emboldens our resolve. He’d insist we grow stronger from his passing.”

“Yeah… That sounds like him,” Logan admitted, wiping away tears. “I guess it was the same when mom died. But I had the rest of my family for that. People to lean on. But now everyone’s leaning on me. That’s a lot of pressure…”

“I am sure your father knew what he was doing, even if I do not understand it,” SAM offered.

“I guess if that’s all I’ve got, I’ll take it,” Logan said, swallowing a new set of tears that threatened to form, standing up, sniffled, cleared his throat, and took a deep breath before leaving SAM Node.

He walked through the steel corridors of Hyperion, heading to the medbay. A few people passed him, each one glancing at him with a concerned look. Logan had no idea if it was pity, sadness, or concern. How many people knew he was now the Pathfinder anyway? How many people believed in him? How many people didn’t? He tried not to think of it, focusing instead on just getting to the medbay.

When he opened the door, Lexi looked up with surprise. “Holden, I thought you’d be in your quarters, resting.”

He nodded. “I thought about it, but… Um, where’s my sister’s pod…?”

She looked him over for a moment, then nodded, turning to direct him to a corner of the room. “Over there. I’ll have a bed moved over for you.”

Logan offered her a small, grateful smile. “Thanks.”

For the next two hours, Logan lay on his side, staring at the pod that contained his comatose sister. Cherise had to wake up, she had to come and see this new galaxy, had to be here with him. It didn’t feel right to be doing any of this without her.

But he wasn’t looking forward to telling her that their father was dead.

[kjack89]

Don’t worry, your giveaway fic is still coming, but since I do occassionally like to write about ExR and Max...

STechnically a companion to the other fics I’ve written involving Enjolras and Grantaire’s son Max, but none need to be read to enjoy this. ExR, modern AU, established relationship. Also based on some aspects of a true story, namely the story of how I got Henry.

“Now before you object, I want you to listen to his reasoning all the way through.” Grantaire’s voice was calm and measured, and only Enjolras would have been able to pick up on the slight warning edge, a warning backed by Grantaire’s hands resting lightly on their son’s shoulders.

Max beamed up at Enjolras. “I did a lot of work on this,” he reassured his father, who smiled encouragingly at him. “Owning a dog encourages a kid -- like me -- to learn responsibility, as well as providing many health benefits.”

Enjolras sighed heavily, his smile fading slightly. “That is very true, Max,” he said. “But the same can be said for owning a different type of pet, one a little smaller and easier for a nine-year-old to take care of. Because the last thing you would want is for your dads to have to take care of your dog.”

Max’s bottom lip was starting to stick out dangerously, and Grantaire gave Enjolras a look. “But Max doesn’t want a different type of pet, now does he? And since he’s been asking for a dog since he was five and brought home straight-As, which was your prerequisite for considering adopting a dog, not mine, the proposal merits some consideration.”

“Fine,” Enjolras said, holding his hands up defensively. “I know when I’m beat. We can go to the shelter and look -- and I do mean just look -- at dogs. We have a lot of work to do in the house before we can bring one home, ok?”

But Max had long stopped listening, instead whooping loudly and tearing upstairs to get his jacket. Grantaire grinned at Enjolras, who looked distinctly unamused. “I thought you and I were going to discuss this before we let Max get his dog,” Enjolras said carefully.

Grantaire sighed and gave Enjolras his best puppy-dog eyes. “I know we did,” he said, reaching out to take Enjolras’s hand. “But then Max came home from school today with an A+ persuasive writing assignment on why he should be able to get a dog, and what can I say? I was convinced.”

Though Enjolras rolled his eyes, he leaned in and kissed Grantaire likely. “I guess I can respect that. But I meant what I said -- we’re only looking.”

“Of course,” Grantaire said brightly, looping his arm through Enjolras’s. “Just looking.”

“You don’t expect me to stick to that, do you?” Enjolras sighed.

“Of course not.”

Once they got to the shelter, Max took Grantaire’s hand and tore off down the hallway to where the dog kennels were located, leaving Enjolras to sign them in at the reception desk. The receptionist smiled at him. “Your son is adorable,” she said. “Looking at dogs today?”

“Yeah, just looking,” Enjolras said with a resigned sigh. “Which I’m sure you hear all the time.”

The receptionist laughed. “Oh, all the time. But you’ll be surprised. With kids especially, they want to really click with an animal, so there’s a very good chance that your son may not find the dog he’s looking for today.”

Enjolras perked up slightly at that. “So just in case he doesn’t find a dog, do you have any smaller animals up for adoption?”

The receptionist frowned slightly. “We’re a no-kill shelter for dogs and cats only, but I know the humane society has some smaller animals, rodents and such. If you wanted to look at cats, as first time pet owners, I recommend starting with some of our older, calmer cats. A lot of them are great with kids, very patient and don’t mind being dragged around.” She paused before adding with a smile, “And they’re a lot less work than dogs.”

“Well, you’ve convinced me,” Enjolras said, smiling at her. “Where can I find a cat like that?”

“Upstairs, second door on the left.”

Enjolras followed her directions, pausing in front of the door labelled “Free-roaming cat room, cats ages 3 and up. PLEASE KEEP DOOR CLOSED AT ALL TIMES.” He peered in through the window, smiling slightly at the numerous cats sleeping and lounging around the room, and after a moment of hesitation, let himself in. The cat closest to the door, a silky gray cat who was rounder than any cat Enjolras had ever seen, started and fled into a cat house in the far corner. “Sorry,” Enjolras whispered, awkwardly sitting down on the only chair not currently occupied by a feline.

After a moment, a large tabby stood and stretched before carefully making its way over to Enjolras, weaving through his legs and looking up at him with wide amber eyes. “Mrow?” the cat said, and Enjolras smiled.

“Hey, kitty,” he said, reaching down to scratch the cat between the ears. “You want to come up on my lap?” He carefully reached down and picked the cat up, depositing the cat in his lap, grinning when the cat instantly lay down and started purring softly. “There we are.”

Without warning, a large, black cat with a rather rotund belly woke up from its window perch and peered around, blinking at Enjolras with green eyes. Then it leapt down from its perch and made a beeline across the floor towards Enjolras, who stifled a laugh at the way its belly swung while he walked. The cat hesitated for only a moment before jumping up into Enjolras’s lap, neatly dislodging the tabby, who scrambled and jumped down from his lap, looking thoroughly put out.

The black cat raised its head to stare Enjolras in the eyes, then headbutted Enjolras twice on the chin and settled down, purring loudly. “You know what you want, don’t you?” Enjolras asked, scratching the cat under its chin. “You remind me a little bit of my husband. He always knew what he wanted, though he was a bit more content to wait for it.” His hand settled into a rhythmic motion stroking the cat’s silky fur. “Then again, it did take him to make me realize. It was always him. He chose me.” Enjolras lifted the cat, which nuzzled him affectionately. “Just like you.”

He stood, still holding the cat in his arms, and was surprised and a little gratified when the cat seemed content to snuggle against his chest like a massive, hairy baby, and he strolled over to the information sheets about each cat posted on the wall. “Let’s see,” he murmured, scanning the sheets. “What’s your name?”

He located the appropriate sheet and stood frozen in shock, the cat resuming his purring as he burrowed against Enjolras’s chest.

Enjolras was still standing there when Max flung open the door to the room, calling, “Daddy, I found him!”

“There you are,” Grantaire said, sounding half-exasperated and half-relieved as he ushered Max into the room, Max bounding over to pet the cat in Enjolras’s arms. “I know you’ll be devastated, but we didn’t find a dog to take home today. Well, I think Max would’ve taken every dog home, but there wasn’t one in particular that he wanted.” He frowned at Enjolras. “What have you been up to?”

Enjolras turned to blink at Grantaire as if just noticing him for the first time. “I, uh, I think I found someone to come home with us.”

Grantaire made a face. “A cat?” he said skeptically, crossing over to join Max in petting the cat, which leaned his head into Grantaire’s hand, practically forcing him to pet his ears. “Since when do you want a cat?”

“Since I found the perfect one,” Enjolras said simply, jerking his head toward the information sheets on the wall. “Look at what his name is and try to tell me that he’s not meant to come home with us.”

Grantaire slipped past Max, pressing a kiss to the top of his head as he passed, and he frowned at the sheets on the wall, a look of incredulity crossing his face when he saw what Enjolras was talking about you. “You have got to be fuc--”

“Language,” Enjolras said sharply, the cat reiterating his point with a loud, “Mrow!”

Grantaire shook his head. “You have got to be freaking kidding me,” he amended, turning to scratch the cat’s head. “This cat is named Robespierre.”

Max looked up at them, recognition on his face. “Isn’t that who I’m named after?” he asked, petting Robespierre’s fluffy belly.

“Yes it is,” Enjolras told him, a smile spreading across his face. “And I know you really wanted a dog, bud, but--”

“I want a dog, yeah, but this kitty seems pretty cool,” Max said, smiling toothily at Enjolras. “And he makes you happy, right?”

Enjolras laughed and bent over to kiss the top of Max’s head. “You know what, he does.” He looked over at Grantaire, who was smiling almost resignedly at him. “So what do you say? Do we take Robespierre home?”

Grantaire shrugged and threw his hands up in mock-defeat. “Squirt, go tell the front desk lady we’ve found your new brother.” Max whooped and rushed out of the room, and Grantaire shook his head and gave Enjolras a look. “I feel like it should be my turn to lecture you, but I just can’t find it in myself.”

He lifted the cat out of Enjolras’s arms, holding him against his chest like a baby. “I know,” Enjolras says, petting the cat’s back. “He’s pretty perfect.”

“You know, I always thought you were a cat person,” Grantaire said. “Prickly and needy but trying to pretend you’re not, and loves cuddles, but only on your terms.”

“That’s funny,” Enjolras said, wrapping an arm around Grantaire’s waist, “because this cat reminded me of you.”

Grantaire glanced up at him. “Really?” he said, a little skeptical.

“Yeah,” Enjolras said, resting his head against Grantaire’s shoulder. “Because he chose me. And so did you.”

Grantaire kissed him, pulling away with a laugh when Robespierre tried to push his head in between them. “You’re a massive nerd, did you know that?”

“Yeah,” Enjolras said, grinning. “But you love me anyway.” He stroked Robespierre’s back. “And I have a feeling this little guy is going to, as well.”

[angeryboy]

Kintsukuroi

Part 6- Starcrossed and Fated

When you woke early in the morning, you could hear the distinct sound of someone struggling to get out of bed. You figured it was Dabi. The low, pained sighs seeming to waft through the shared wall. It was so impossibly early that you figured now was as good a time as any. You had to ask him about Hawks. Carefully, you snaked your head out of the open door, listening for the one next to you to start creaking. Soon enough, you could hear his labored breathing hitching in his throat with every heavy step.

Jeez. I forgot about his concussion. He sounds awful.

“Uh, are you okay feeling okay today Dabi?” He slowed with all the enthusiasm you would get from a particularly bored seven year old.

“No.”

You both stared for a very long moment. Dabi’s eyebrows raised a bit in concern. Your mouth opened and closed a few times before you decided it was best to just continue.

“Is there somethin-”

“I have a weird question for you. Well, not really a question but-”

“Wow. Impressive. What is it?” He sighed, rubbing his forehead.

“Well, I got a phone call from an old colleague of mine last night. He wanted to meet with me. But he told me if I didn’t want to go alone, I should bring you. Any idea what that’s about?” He didn’t say anything, but you could see his smirk behind his hands clasped in front of his face.

“I take it this old colleague of yours is...Hawks?”

“The very same.” He sighed, like he knew this would happen eventually.

“Guess we should find out what that idiot wants, then. You should give him a call.” He stood up and began walking to the kitchen. “Don’t tell him I’m coming, though.” ---- The phone rang twice before he picked up. “Himaro! I was beginning to think you’d never call me again.”

“Where do you want to meet?” You were trying to keep this as short as possible for a lot of reasons.

“No hello?”

“Tell me where to fucking meet you, Keigo!” You barked.

“Yeesh! Okay. Meet me at the old phone booth by Kibastu Bridge. Will you be bringing Dabi?”

“I already told you I’m not dragging him into this. I’ll be alone.”

“Thought you didn’t wanna show up alone?”

“No. I didn’t. But I’m also not handing Dabi off to you like that. So I’ll meet you there. At midnight.”

“The bewitching hour. How mysterious of you.” You hung up before he could get another word in.

Dabi was lingering at the bar, waiting for you. “Did you set up a meeting?” “Yeah. Midnight at the phone booth by Kibatsu bridge.” You took a second to look him over.

“Why did he ask for you?” He took a pause.

“Little fucker thinks I trust him. Or at least hopes I do. I have a plan in mind though.”

“I suppose you won’t be sharing?”

“Not a chance,” he smirked.

“Fair enough. What about Yuna?” You could see his shoulders tense when you asked. Soft spot? Or touchy subject?

“What about her? She’s obviously coming with me, whatever it is I do. Best to always assume she’s part of my plan.” He looked at you sternly for a moment. “Always. That didn’t clear things up. Normally, people were easy for you to pin down, but you couldn’t get a read on Dabi.

“Sorry. I just feel a little sneaky without her here.”

“She’ll be fine. She’s a little too...much for this one. Don’t go around running your mouth though. It’s not worth ruining.” Dabi’s words made you feel a little uneasy.

 “What’s that look on your face for?” His face twisted a bit when he asked.

“It’s nothing. If you’re sure, I guess I should trust you.”

“Don’t trust this asshole as far as you can throw him,” Yuna quipped, slipping in relatively unnoticed. Your eyes stayed on Dabi, trusting him to take over from here. “Why are we trusting him?” She asked.

“I’m throwing a little plan together. Crusty boy gave us a mission. Got somethin’ to do.

“Oh? You’re gonna do stuff with a major concussion? I seem to recall someone was unable to make his own food just hours ago...”

His eyes rolled. “I was being lazy. I like when you make food for me.”

“You like when I do anything for you.”

“True. We’ll be gone tonight, doll. Don’t wait up.” He strolled out of the room casually but his terse tone didn’t go unnoticed. His hand stopped on her shoulder momentarily before he left.

“Uh? Guess he’s not too happy about it. Or he’s thrilled. It’s really up in the air at this point,” she shrugged and plopped down on the couch next to you.

“I can’t get a read on that guy.”

“Me either,” she smiled.

“Himaro.” Tomura stood suddenly and awkwardly at the kitchen entrance.

“Uh, yes?” Hearing him say your name felt so strange. He hadn’t even looked at you once in the past day, excluding you from the appointed missions and meeting, and just generally avoiding you. 

“I need you to come with me for a moment.” His hands curled and uncurled into fists, and he wouldn’t look at you. Yuna didn’t miss the way you hopped up a little too eagerly, shooting you a look with a raised brow as you turned. To your surprise, he led you to the back door into the alley.

Ah, so my death was more certain than I thought..

“Let’s go for a little walk.” ------- When Tomura stopped, seemingly at the place he wanted you to be, you finally took a look up. The walk was more silent than you were prepared for, but Tomura had led you to...

“An empty house?” You asked. It shouldn’t have been that surprising, you’d found out quite quickly he enjoyed hanging around at odd places. “This is actually where I lived as a kid.” He looked up at the decrepit ruins of a house, an unknowable look on his face.

“Oh. Is there...a reason we’re here?” You asked. It was always hard to place exactly what Tomura’s motivations were when he clearly had something planned. You figured it was his way of apologizing somehow.

“It helps me clear my head.” He turned to you swiftly, causing you to jump. You still weren’t totally sure he was going to leave you alive.

“I told you I want this world at my fingertips. And I trust you guys to help me. I know the things the heroes said about you. I want you know, I believe you can do this. And I’m expecting a lot from you. That’s why I got so angry.” He didn’t move, staring distantly at the crumbled remains before him.

“I failed you. And I’m tired of failing. I’m tired of people telling me I can’t do something.” You felt your hands ball into fists automatically, Tomura’s words swirling in your head lazily.

“Then why are you working so hard to destroy your success? What is there to be afraid of? Hurting people? Getting caught? A good villain doesn’t worry themselves with that nonsense.” His head whipped around to you quickly, his resolute expression causing your heart to jump a bit. “Do you want this?”

You had to take a moment. How finely could you walk the line between hero and villain? How many people could you let get away while still being the best you could for Tomura? How resolute could you make yourself? Could you drop everything from before these past few months?

“All the doubt, lay it to rest. If you want this, want it. Stop letting doubt hold you back. Stop holding yourself to your own standards. Hold yourself to mine.” His voice was rising steadily, dripping with authority and demand. “I want you all ruling this disgusting world next to me. I want you looking out over this pathetic excuse for a society with me until it’s good again. Haven’t you had enough yet? Haven’t you had enough of the people that think they’re better than you because their quirk is better? Because they had money? Because they want to protect?” You hadn’t noticed that his hand was gripping yours tightly with every sentence.

You felt a little awkward. So Tomura thought that was exactly why you were here. Which worked for you. Kind of. He was really making some sense, and he definitely had conviction. You felt a fire starting in your heart. A change of heart, but not the one you’d expected. 

“Make this all yours. And don’t let me down again,” he breathed.

“I couldn’t if I tried,” you smiled. He didn’t let go of your hand. ------- “You ready?” Dabi asked, pulling a small bag over his shoulder.

“Yeah.” You hadn’t expected nerves to get the best of you. It was just Hawks. It was just a guy who wasn’t going to try anything funny. Yuna was nowhere in sight, and for once you were thankful for it. You weren’t sure you could hold your tongue. The walk to the bridge was silent, and you were grateful that Dabi was a man of few words. Right before the bridge was in your sight line, Dabi cut through the forest behind, throwing a peace sign as he disappeared in the shadows. With the bridge coming into view, you could see a huge pair of wings fluttering, and a spiky mess of hair outlined by moonlight.

“Nice to see you Himaro,” he smiled.

“Can’t say the same.”

“Oi oi! Not sure what I did to deserve this treatment.  I don’t wanna waste any time here, so I’ll get right down to it. Why don’t you tell me what the hell is going on here?” His tone was challenging. And with the night surrounding him, his eyes still visible and cutting, it was clear why he chose the name Hawks.

“I have nothing to tell you. Why don’t you go first?” ----------- Dabi stared, bored, from along the tree line. If Hawks was true to his name, he already knew someone else was with her, despite her insistence on going alone. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but he was counting on Himaro to fill him in anyway. He really was just there in case Hawks tried anything funny. He was sure the hero wasn’t that stupid, but he couldn’t be too sure. He watched their faces change from calm to angry to... crying? Why the hell was Himaro crying? 

He was sure she said Hawks was just an old coworker, but his coworkers never made him cry before. He looked to Hawks, who looked beyond devastated, too shocked for words. 

He was about to get up when he heard the soft sound of footsteps on the grass behind him. When he turned, Yuna was staring expectantly, eyes boring holes into him. He simply held a finger up to his lips, standing now to lead Yuna out of earshot. Once he was sure they wouldn’t be heard, Yuna let him have it.

“What the fuck is going on here? What is she doing talking to him? And what are you doing watching?” Her arms crossed.

“Look, I don’t want Hawks to know I’m here. So can you please keep it down?” He winced as soon as the words left his mouth.

“Keep it down!?” Despite challenging him, her voice was barely a whisper. “I need answers. You said Shigaraki gave you a mission. But I’ll bet you a million Yen he has no idea about Hawks and whatever the fuck is going on with Himaro. Unless you suddenly were somehow aware that Himaro was talking to him the night we got Bakugo? And you suddenly had the urge to tell him?”

“Huh? What-I found out about the call this morning. I literally don’t care enough to tell that crust bucket anything. But Hawks had a weird request to see me too. So I told Himaro to lie.”

“What the fuck? He wanted to see you too?” Her eyes widened as she suddenly recalled Himaro very clearly saying “I’m not dragging him into this.” So was she so sure then? Or was she lying?

“Why didn’t you just tell me that?” She asked.

“Look, there are a lot of reasons I didn’t want you coming with. One, because I know you, and I know you’ll do something crazy in about three minutes, and two, because I don’t want you in danger.” He grabbed her shoulders.

“If he’s such a fucking burden, why don’t we just kill him?” She asked, fuming now. “In fact, why don’t I just kill you all?” Her eyes narrowed.

“Jeez. This is exactly what I’m talking about. No one needs to die right here. Just, please, let us handle this one. We wanna see if Himaro is worth her weight in gold, right?”

He watched as her face twisted viciously. She was too angry. She wasn’t listening right now. The wind started kicking up and Dabi sighed heavily. He wasn’t winning this one.

“Please, doll. Don’t ruin this. She’s this close. I’m this close.” His fingers pinched together.

“Close to what?” She growled.

“Well, I guess I was going to tell you eventually. But I’ve been working with Hawks.” Dabi watched her eyes widen until they looked like they would explode. 

“I swear to fucking god, Dabi! This is fucking over!” Before she could turn, two feathers came flying at the speed of light towards the them. Yuna ducked gracefully before pushing Dabi down, immediately charging for Hawks, forceful wind blowing the trees and snapping branches.

“No!” Dabi yelled after her, but she was too quick, charging through the line of trees ahead with no hesitation. ---------- “Hawks, no!” You grabbed for his jacket, but before you could do anything, Yuna came charging out from the trees, a look in her eyes you couldn’t explain.

“It’s time for you to die!” She tried to come down on him, but she wasn’t prepared for how fast he was. He dodged her attacks easily, wind doing nothing but speeding him up.

“Yuna! Yuna, stop! Don’t-” You felt your feet lifting off the ground. Was she really this strong? Her speed was beginning to increase, matching Hawks now. Not that he seemed worried. He still dodged her attacks, even grabbing her shoulders to quell her rage.

“Calm down,” he whispered. You could’ve sworn you saw her relax for a moment before swinging again. His reluctance to fight her didn’t sit well in your stomach. You knew Hawks. You knew if something could be done for the better, he’d do it, no hesitation. 

So what was with the hesitation now? Before you could ponder too long, Dabi bounded out of the trees himself, grabbing Yuna’s ankle and pulling her all the way down to the ground, driving a knee into her back. You’d never seen him so alight with emotion.

“I said don’t,” he growled. You couldn’t recall a time you heard Dabi so threatening., holding Yuna’s arms behind her with ease. She grunted and tried to fight back, but Dabi’s grip was too overpowering.

Your head was spinning. All you could do was hope they didn’t overhear your conversation, nerves bubbling up inside of you ferociously. You could barely think straight after the way you unloaded on Hawks, and this wasn’t helping.

“I told you not to do something crazy! I told you not to-” he stopped suddenly, switching his gaze between you and Hawks. “You’d better get out of here, bird boy. If she catches you, you’re dead.” Hawks didn’t say a word, eyes wide and pained. Dabi didn’t bother explaining himself as he watched Hawks fly off, leaving you in stunned silence.

[kathleengage696]

New Post has been published on Power Up for Profits

New Post has been published on https://www.powerupforprofits.com/financial-turmoil-covid-19/

Getting Through Financial Turmoil Due to COVID-19

Over the last week we’ve moved into a “new normal.”

“New normal”… what exactly does that mean?  No one knows for sure.

New normal depends on what your life was like before COVID-19. One thing is for sure… life has changed… a lot.

Regardless of who you are, what you do, where you live, life has changed.

To pretend that it hasn’t is downright foolish. For all of us, it has changed.

In this episode of Power Up for Profits podcast, I share my thoughts about what is going on and what you can do moving forward.

With change, comes fear. With fear, comes lack of action. With lack of action… well, lack of action could actually create more fear. The solution? Action! But… the right kind of action.

When the change began, we didn’t think too much of it due to minimal disruption, such as restaurants and bars being required to shut down in only a few areas and a few locations. But a few turned into virtually the entire United States. Other countries are going through the same thing. The entire world is being impacted.

Then came dental offices, veterinarians, florists, hair and nail salons and many nonessential businesses. Although we may think barbershops and hair salons are essential, when you get right down to it, during the pandemic they likely are not.

We are quickly learning what is a “must have” compared to a “nice to have.”

If it feels like the brakes have been put on and life is never going to be the same again, it has changed… dramatically. It’s not going to stay like this forever, but it won’t go back to the way it was. Much of what we took for granted is gone forever.

Lots of people are experiencing massive amounts of panic, fear and anxiety. I can safely say that virtually everyone, myself included, is going through some level of fear. This is a normal reaction. Yet, it’s not whether or not we experience fear, it’s what we do with it.

I feel pretty lucky that I’ve only had one really bad night’s sleep since first hearing that the world is in a pandemic. About five days into the pandemic, I was tossing and turning throughout the night.

A couple of mornings, I woke up thinking I had a bad dream. But within seconds, I realized that this was really happening.

The Nightmare Continues

Just yesterday, California’s governor announced the entire state is under a “Shelter in Place.” There is some confusion as to what exactly this means, but in essence, stay home unless it’s for groceries, medical attention or exercise by yourself.

Following California’s lead is New York. Soon many other states will likely follow close behind. Our own state, Oregon, is putting a “stay at home” recommendation in place. Right now, it’s by choice. Soon, likely it will be mandatory. By the time you read this, it likely will be mandatory.

Millions of people have been let go from their jobs. Everything from front line service professionals to high-level executives and everything in between. The restaurant industry has been hit especially hard.

“There are more than 1 million restaurants in the United States, employing 15.6 million people. More than 70% of these restaurants are small businesses that support their local communities,”  https://www.today.com/food/thousands-restaurant-workers-have-already-lost-their-jobs-due-coronavirus-t176196

Lest anyone be tempted to minimize one level of job being lost over another, a job lost is a job lost. In some cases, low wage workers had two or three jobs and were let go from all of their jobs.

Avoid being a snob over the type of job loss. Everyone is being hard hit by COVID-19. A front line worker job loss is equally as devastating as a corporate executive. In some cases more so due to lack of savings.

Welcome to the New Normal

Initially, people were in a state of shock with the changes. Not quite sure what to do,  many people did nothing. Nothing, that is, other than watch hours and hours of the news. Whether they watched CNN, FOX, ABC, NBC or turned to social media for their news, people were in massive disbelief with what was occurring.

Some chose to ignore the social distancing requests as was evident by some spring breakers partying on the beaches. Many tourists continued to party and drink up a storm in places like New Orleans. I have to admit, back in the day, I would have done my fair share of drinking to deal with something like this. Likely my attitude would have been, “Who cares? I’m going to die anyway.”

Today, with over 35 years of sobriety, I look at things from a completely different perspective.

Now What?

Many people are using this time to evaluate what they currently do (or did) and what they could be doing differently in their business or job.

Others are checking in with their lifestyle choices to determine if proactive change is in order.

Still others, specifically seniors, are wondering if now is the time to begin collecting social security in order not to work so hard.

Business

If you own a business, take a look at all your expenses. Determine which are needed and which you could cut back on or eliminate altogether. This includes service providers, software programs, subscriptions, etc. Look at your cost compared to return. Is it an investment or an expense?

There’s a chance you will have contracts cancelled. One colleague lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in business, due to cancelled contracts, all within the span of a little over an hour.

Another colleague, who is a $10,000 per speech professional speaker, had three engagements cancelled in one day AND her clients requested their deposits back.

It’s best to get into a routine including showering and dressing for the “office” every day. The temptation may be to stay in your pajamas, but that could likely work against you.

Act the part to be the part. What this simply means is, if you plan to get back on track, you absolutely must be in the right state of mind to do so. Showering and dressing for the day is part of getting your head on straight.

Stick to a schedule. For example, if you normally get into your office at nine a.m., continue to do so. Even if things are slow right now, they will likely pick up. When things will pick up is anyone’s guess.

Call clients and prospects simply to check in with them. People will be pleasantly surprised when you tell them you are calling because you care.

Set a goal of how many dials you will do each day.  Call simply to connect. I’ve been taking my own advice on this by calling at least 6 – 10 people a day.

Granted, I am getting voicemail quite a bit, but the people I am talking with are delighted to hear from me.

And… you never know what will happen on a call. One call today turned out very different than I anticipated. Rather than simply have a “how are you” conversation, we discussed a huge project my client is in the middle of that I may be a perfect fit for.

You never know who may actually need your services at this time so don’t discount the power of a phone conversation.

Call people without an attachment to the outcome. When you do this, you will be amazed at the outcome of many of the calls.

Workforce

If you were let go from your job, now is the time to brush up on your interviewing skills. Update your resume, check if your references are current and get ready to look for a job.

If you have money saved up and you need a break, then take it, but most people are not in that position and must immediately begin their job search.

Of course, be sure to file for unemployment benefits as soon as possible.

Many industries are at a standstill for an indefinite period of time, but others are hiring. Amazon.com announced the need to hire 100,000 people. Zoom.com is hiring as are other gig-economy, digitally based companies. Be flexible. You never know where the next job might be.

Health

Now, more than ever, it’s essential to take care of your health. Be sure to hydrate, eat lots of fruits and vegetables, get plenty of rest and exercise. Do what you are able to do based on your current health condition.

Start your day with a ritual of sorts that gets you in a good state of mind. Included can be yoga, meditation, journaling and reading something inspirational. How you start your day sets the tone for the rest of the day.

Utilities and Creditors

If money is tight, call your utility companies to negotiate paying for services at a later date. If you’re really strapped due to COVID-19, let companies know. The only way they can help is if you ask. In some cases, utility companies may forego payment altogether.

If you have a mortgage on your home, your financial institution may allow you to stop payments for a few months. It’s not that you won’t pay the payment, they are simply deferring the payment. This can reduce your stress a great deal.

In some cases, you might be able to get a very low interest hardship loan from your local bank or credit union.

Additionally, take a look at where you are spending money that may be best to pull back on. It could be for takeout meals. Sure, it’s good to support local business, but you also want to avoid getting in more of a financial bind than you currently find yourself in.

And by all means, avoid fast food restaurants. Actually, Fast Food Genocide by Dr. Joel Fuhrman would be a great read to understand fully why fast food is the worst choice you can make during a time like this. Actually, fast food is a bad choice any time, but especially now.

The book is under $10 and a much better investment than a $10 fast food meal. Click here

Evaluate Your Skills

Many of my friends and colleagues are in the middle of self-analysis. Simply put, they are determining skills they have that are marketable. Whether you be in business for yourself or work for a company, you may be able to bring more to your clients, customers and employers than you currently are.

It’s likely you have skills you are under-utilizing. List all the skills you have that you enjoy using. For example, I love to write. This is a skill that could benefit clients in a big way.

I also very much enjoy helping my clients with their interview skills. I also like to help clients gear up for podcast interviews. Something I haven’t been offering but plan to is teaching clients how to start their own podcast shows.

It occurred to me that the combination of helping them to get a show started AND learning how to interview and find opportunities on other shows is a perfect integration of services.

The bottom line is this; now is a time where you can make it tougher than it is, or use this time to regroup in order to see what you can manifest.

Easy or Fun?

Will it be easy? Probably not.

Will it be fun? That’s actually up to you. Bottom-line is this; if you have you’re health you have a lot going for you.

If you are not as healthy as you want to be, now is a great time to do something about it. Over a year and a half ago, I made a change that has benefited me in numerous ways. I went from a carnivore diet to a 100% plant based diet.

This change has improved my health, energy, vitality and ability to get through the current situation a lot better than if I were still a meat eater. I perform better in all areas of my life due to my food choices. Plus, I released 35 pounds without dieting.

One of my passions is to raise awareness about this way of life.  Now, more than ever, it’s essential to stack the deck in your favor. Plants allow you to do this.

Take Things a Day at a Time

When all is said and done, the best we can do is to live as much in the present as possible. By focusing on what is working, your health and your blessings, you will get to the other side of this pandemic much easier than if you resist the change that is here to stay.

To learn more about healthy eating, check out the Plant Based Eating for Health Facebook Group and Podcast Show.

[hotfitnesstopics]

Hey guys! 2018 has been such a crazy year. Sir George came into our lives unexpectedly, I’ll be getting married this year, and then one of the biggest honors of my life: I was asked to go give the Commencement Speech for my alma mater, Whittier College. AHHHHHHH!!!! WHAT!!???? I didn’t really think I’ve have the opportunity to do this maybe until much much later in my life, but when the President of Whittier College personally left me a message on my phone, I knew something was up. Anyway, before I share my transcript with you, I wanted to share a somewhat funny and highly stressful thing that happened the week of my speech writing. So, I’m writing my speech the Monday before I’m supposed to give the speech on Friday – giving me 4 solid days to prep. I finished the entire 20-minute speech that evening, sent it to Sam and my sister to look at, but inside, I didn’t really love it. Well let’s just say that over the course of the entire week, I kept writing and rewriting until I had made 21 different versions of my speech by Thursday night!!! I just didn’t like any of the versions! I hated all of them! I suddenly became the perfectionist student version of myself and simply could not accept anything I was doing as good enough! I did not intend for it to go on this long, but on 4 AM on Friday morning (morning of the speech) I was STILL writing and rewriting the intro and fixing the sections in between…AGAIN!! My the wee hours of the morning, my eyelids were so heavy and splashing water on my face no longer worked. So I went to sleep with version 22 on my laptop. Then when I woke up, I began to rewrite again. Are you stressed yet? Am I crazy? Yeah, maybe. Go time was 8:30 AM on the field. At 8:17 AM is when we printed out draft 23 with edits made that very morning from the hotel printer. And guess what? THEY RAN OUT OF PAPER. Hahahaha. But eventually it was restocked and I made it to the lineup almost right before everyone walked on the field. The papers in my hand were still warm from the printer. So anyway, that’s how speech prep went. As stressful as EVER. But, I am very happy with draft 23 of my speech. So here it is. The words that I shared with the Class of 2018 at Whittier College on May 18th, 2018. Enjoy. 5 Things I Wish I Could Tell my 22-Year Old Self By: Cassey Ho Thank you so much Dr. Van Osbree for the warm intro! And thank you President Herzberger! It truly is an honor to come back to Whittier and have the opportunity to speak you, the Class of 2018! Sharon, I don’t know if you planned this, but your timing is impeccable! Did you guys know that my 1st year at Whittier was Sharon’s 1st year as Whittier’s president? And now here I am coming back to give this year’s Commencement speech as we celebrate Sharon’s final year serving the college. Let’s give it up for President Herzberger! And for things coming full circle! Being back here on campus makes me so emotional. I mean, when I look at Stauffer, I can vividly see the moment my mom and dad left me as a little freshman crying my face off like an abandoned child as they drove away. When I look at the Science Building, I can see myself frantically walking up the stairs in a hoodie and top knot, trying to last minute memorize the 4 nitrogenous bases found in DNA. Guanine, Adenine, Thymine, Cytosine. Right Dr. Bourgaize? And when I look at the CI, I remember all the food I stuffed myself with because I treated every meal like I was at Hometown Buffet. Let’s just say the Freshman 15 was very real. Seeing these buildings again and seeing my professors again makes me realize how much Whittier played a role in sculpting me into the person I am today. So many micro-decisions were made right here, that at the time, I thought were trivial. But they ended up changing the entire course of my career. Graduates, I am really excited to have the honor to speak to you today. From Poet to Poet and peer to peer, I really want to take this opportunity to have a real talk with you before you march across this stage into adulthood. If you’re feeling lost or unsure of what you’re meant to do, don’t worry. That’s normal. Your 20s are meant for figuring these things out. Actually, the rest of your life is meant for figuring things out, but hopefully you will have learned a few things by then. Look, I’m not going to stand here and pretend that I know everything, because I don’t! But I can tell you 5 things I wish I could have told my 22 year old self. #1. Love your parents. But know they’re not always right. As a child of strict Asian immigrant parents, I also grew up being falsely advertised that there were only 3 career options for me. For my Asian brothers and sisters out there, you know what I’m talking about, right?! And if you don’t, let me break it down for you. Us Asian kids only had the choice of becoming a doctor, lawyer, or engineer. That’s it. Any other option was a disgrace to the family. My dad decided he wanted a doctor in the family, so that was my fate. The problem was, I didn’t want to have anything to do with being a doctor. I had been sketching gowns ever since I was 6 – sewing clothes for my Barbies and then designing my friends’ prom dresses. But when I told my dad that I wanted to be a fashion designer, he glared at me and said: “No. You will do no such thing.” “Why?” I asked. “If you become a fashion designer, you will be poor. You will be unsuccessful. So…you know what that means, right?” “What?” “It means you will have NO FRIENDS!” Looking back, I think it was the “no friends” part that really got to me. So I dutifully accepted my fate, tucked my dream away, and went off to major in Biology and minor in Business. But it wouldn’t be long before I realized how painful it was to be living out someone else’s dream while sacrificing my own. #2. Take responsibility for your own destiny. For the next couple years, I was really unhappy at school. I clearly saw that I was putting in all my time and energy into a career I did not want to have anything to do with! I felt trapped in between familial obligations and my own happiness. I called my parents hundreds of times, trying to explain to them how much I wanted to switch majors and pursue design. But each phone call ended in a screaming match – a war of them threatening I’d fail and me yelling that I wouldn’t. The calls always ended with me crying uncontrollably into my pillow every night. My spirit was breaking. I was so miserable. Until – I decided to take responsibility for my feelings. Was it really my parents standing in the way of my happiness? Or was it actually me? What I realized is that I was the one ultimately standing in my own way. So I chose not to be a victim of the situation and instead shifted the power from my parents’ hands into my hands, which gave me the permission to take control of my own destiny. So Junior year, I decided to sabotage my perfect academic record so that there could be no turning back. I dropped out of the very last class I needed in order to apply for Med School. That class was Organic Chemistry. Sorry Dr. Isovitch but I promise it wasn’t personal. I felt so free. So alive. I was finally living for me! With so much inspiration flooding my body, I started designing and sewing my first prototypes right up here in Turner. #3. Do more things that make you smile, and less things that don’t. Do you know what those things are that you would do all day even if you weren’t getting paid? Ok not watching Netflix – but everything else! The things you can’t stop thinking about. I want you to listen to little signals your body is giving you. Don’t ignore them. They mean something. You know that feeling when your heart tenses and your breathing becomes a little irregular. Probably a sign you shouldn’t be doing something. You know that feeling when you can’t stop smiling and your stomach turns into butterflies? That. Keep doing that. It all started with me leading some mini Pilates sessions with my floormates just for fun! The girls would gather in the common area and do some double leg lifts together after class. It was also here at Whittier that I fatefully answered a Craigslist ad for an open Pilates Instructor position at a gym in Uptown Whittier. Turns out all those years of doing Mari Winsor’s Pilates DVDs for 4 easy payments of $19.95 was finally paying off because – I somehow got the job! Pilates was a godsend for me. It was one of the only things really keeping me sane throughout college, especially with all the family/career drama that was happening at the time. When my parents found out I was teaching, they were FURIOUS. They told me to stop wasting my time. They told me to quit immediately and go back to studying. But I decided to stick with the things that made me smile instead. #4. Give, give, give and you shall receive. Graduating from Whittier meant leaving the life I knew so well here. This also meant leaving my Pilates students at the gym for a job on the East Coast. My students were devastated. “Who’s going to teach POP Pilates now?” they asked. “We’re going to miss you so much.” So I got to thinking. How could we still keep in touch? How could they still work out with me? Well, that was when I got the idea to upload a 10-minute workout video to a little website called YouTube. The year was 2009 and there was no money to be made and no fame to be had. It was simply a video sharing site. And that’s what I did. I simply shared. #5. If you’re willing to bet on anything, bet on yourself. As I was sitting in my cubicle in Boston, I got a text from an old student with a photo of their finger pointing to something in a magazine. The text said, “Is this your yoga bag?” My heart stopped. It was one of the bags I made in college. I ran to the elevator, sprinted to my car, and sped over to the nearest Target. I was shaking so hard when I got to the magazine section. I tried to flip open the pages, but I kept dropping it. Finally, when I was able to calm myself down, I turned the pages slowly one by one. And then there it was. SHAPE Magazine had named my yoga mat bag one of the hottest new products of the summer. It was now SO clear to me what I needed to do. I quit my job, I bought a ticket to China that same day and flew out to Guangzhou the next day. I was going to attend the biggest trade show in the world and find a manufacturer. I was going to go big. Because if I were going to invest in anything, I was going to invest in myself. When I got back to Boston, I had rent to pay, groceries to buy, no income and no money. I was poor. Just like my dad had predicted if I became a designer. But unlike my dad had predicted, being financially poor did not mean I would have no friends. I actually was beginning to make a lot of friends. Friends online, all over the world – thanks to YouTube. What started as a genuine intention to give the gift of Pilates to 40 people at the gym turned into what is now the #1 female fitness channel on YouTube, Blogilates, with over 4 Million Subscribers. What started as 1 class at a local gym right here in Whittier is now a real live format with over 4,000 POP Pilates classes being taught every single month all over the world. What started as 1 sketch in the sidelines of my bio notebook in that science building right there is now an international multimillion dollar activewear brand. And, bonus fact: What started as me asking the tutor “Will you help me get an A?” turned into that very same guy getting down on one knee asking me, “Cassey, will you marry me?” 10 years ago, Sam and I met at those fateful green tables in front of the Business Admin offices when I was a junior and he was a senior, and now we’re getting married this October! Poets, you and I are cut from the same purple and gold fabric. We were both bred on this very same campus, by these amazing professors, taught to think outside the box with our liberal arts education. When I was here I promised myself that somehow, some way, I was going to go out there and make Whittier proud. Class of 2018, after your caps are thrown and your selfies are taken, the next chapter of your life begins. As you write your story, give yourself the permission make mistakes, do those things you can’t stop thinking about, and most importantly, be a good human. Good luck! Now let’s do this. 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