#anyway time to try and distract myself
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bro, i need a vacation like
from my own mind
#life#don't you just get tired of it all lmao#the constant but this! but that! just the endless arguments i'm having with myself#and then the next day comes and i'm like “well that was dumb as fuck”#and yet just like that the cycle continues and i know it's dumb and not gonna last forever#but it does as sweet fuckall about the actual feeling#hate that i have to sit around and wait for things to change#damn it would be so nice to NOT be mentally ill#anyway time to try and distract myself#tbd probably#i'm just in a whiney baby mode
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It's... it's ok, I didn't have my hopes up for fluffly filler content for every single Hashira or anything, or seeing any of Mitsuri's family or pets or flashbacks or additional antics or anything, I'm fine, I love the manga canon content done straight justice and brought to life, I'm not dealing with a sense of loss, I'm fine, everything is fine
#kny silliness#the distinct LACK of filler just makes me feel like I missed a step on the stairs that's all#but hey THAT HAD TO BE TAKEUCHI#and the big takeaway from the expansion on Iguro's training is that Tanjiro can't afford to be distracted by comrades in peril#... : )#this is fine#i had so thoroughly convinced myself that we wouldn't get this far this fast that I'm just feeling surprised how much plot we covered today#also I totally thought I've have a chance to try to go to waterfall meditation again before that episode aired lolz oh well#it's a very weather-dependent thing anyway#whose to say I shall ever have better timing with it
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hnnnngggg i have.. to finish secret santa drawings
i have to stay focused.. but
hnrbfhjiewjk
I want to write isafrin mermaid au
or write a fic where sif is obsessed with photography
or mayhaps
write a sif as spiderman fic
hnnnnnnnggggggg
torture
this is
hell
#we must stay focused#i must not get distracted by new fanfic ideas#i can't do this to myself#i have to stay focused#this is a commitment i promised myself i would finish#i can't back out 4 days before the big day#i must stay strong#anyways#I've now remembered why i hate drawing comics with a burning passion#might scrap that idea and just go for some loose drawings#isat#in stars and time#isat siffrin#quinn rambles#isat isabeau#ideas folder#< aka me trying (and probably failing) to remember all my fic ideas#i need to write all of them down or else i WILL forget#writing
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I'm currently rewatching the dark tower for reasons (fic reasons), and when Gwen said "Morgana's enchanted it to protect me," it rang an alarm bell, this time 'round.
"[...]to protect me."
hm. huh. you don't say. interesting. As in, the knights are the enemy not the rescuers? hm. curious.
Maybe I'm reading too much into it (i mean, hey, that's the fun of it), but that choice of language stood out to me.
#I've got more thoughts on this but i don't really have the time for it rn#(i.e. I'm trying very very hard to focus on this fic im writing and im being so cool about it and not struggling at all lol)#so have this half-baked observation merlin fandom#but feel free to add if u guys got any thoughts 👀#anyway i've never been the biggest fan of the evil gwen arc#do I absolutely love angel coulby's acting throughout it? YES. that was incredible and she deserves all the awards#was the dolma an instant shot of serotonin and i clap like a happy seal when she waltzes onscreen? yes#was the arthur/gwen moment in the cauldron of arianrhod absolutely gorgeous and beautiful? yes#but do i think - narratively - that it took up far too much time in the final season that was better suited elsewhere? yes#i could write essays on where the attention should've been directed...#anyway yes fic writing i've distracted myself enough#bbc merlin#merlin#sir elyan#guinevere pendragon#bbc gwen#bbc elyan#the dark tower#merlin meta#meta#ren rambles#scheduled
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what is your favorite thing about charles and your favorite thing about erik? separately, as in what you like most about their characters :]
a devious question this one is, my friend!!! it's hard enough for me to explain my thoughts cohesively, but having to pick ONE thing i particularly love is difficult. with characters like charles and erik, theres been so much done with their characters over the decades and so they have so many components to them that make them so interesting and fun to observe. BUT I TRY FOR YOU TODAY. under the cut i kinda ramble and the size of this text box makin me anxious
i think if i were to be simple and broad, what i enjoy most about charles is his determination to help others, even if he isn't really thanked and/or if people don't even like him. ofc, this isn't to say he hasn't done wrong- to be honest, the fact he does wrong/questionable things at times is another aspect of him i really enjoy, maybe because- broadly speaking- he's meant to be altruistic (intent vs outcome and all that). i don't know if that's super exciting to most people, but it is for me
as for erik, my reason for liking him is easier to explain tbh. To Be Simple And Broad, his progression from villain to antihero over the decades has been fun to observe (as much as i have so far anyhow) and analyze. i think to be a bit more specific, him using his rage and pain as justifications for his villainous actions is definitely what compels me the most: hurt people hurt and the sort, an idea i've always found interesting (something something vicious cycles and the like). yet now, he recognizes this wasn't really. A Just Thing To Do and is beginning to change that, which i enjoy
#snap chats#may you forgive me anon i always feel awkward explaining things AVELKJEAKLJ#i feel esp awkward cause i haven't read toooo much of the comics yet- like ive read. an ok amount so far krakoa wise#can you guys tell im fighting god himself to Not write a fuckin. NOVEL#im so sorry i have an over-explaining problem my mom was mean to me growing up but anyways#i definitely want to read more and more outside krakoa. the more i read the more im fascinated by these two and their history#but to continue my prattling. as if the three paragraphs above arent enough This Is Not A Thesis RELAX#i think a. 'poignant' moment i think adds to what i like about charles too is that soliloquy where he recognizes people dont like him#yet he could always be worse- like if he's bad now to others imagine if he really just said Fuck It All#it's simple but so am i whaddyagonnadoboutit. i mean that point itself could be discussed but i'm trying to keep this brief bear with me#i so bad want to know what issue that's from tho all i know is that it's from krakoa but i neeeed the whole context#i think like. an additional bullet point to charles i also like is his loneliness#and i say this cause- I Say From My Amateur-Psychology Armchair- it's a component of why he's so earnest to help#but im keeping this point in the tags until i can confidently verify that with myself after some more reading#Unfortunately a favorite pass time of mine is psychoanalyzing characters like why else you think i major in psychology smh#im going to force myself to cap the post here because i ended up typing like 20 more tags just rambling#and as i said id like to keep this simple and clean !!!!! i have sat here for like four hours answering this ngl#ignore the fact half that time was spent getting distracted by solitaire and riffling cards ok I Am Very Easily Distracted#but fr when it comes to charles and erik- charles esp imo#i feel like i need to write a whole paper just so i can mention the nuances of the characters and like. EVERYTHING#because again six decades is A Lot of time for writing decisions to be made and for their characters to change over time#im a glazer but i wanna be a nuanced glazer yk. is that glazing at that point-- w/e anyway#its a lot. so today you will have to tolerate a very Blah answer from me which i must apologize for#down the line once ive read a comfortable amount more varying from multiple eras maybe ill revisit this question more in depth#as of right now tho .... chat i wanna get legion of x so bad i skimmed it and hhhhhhhhim gonna throw UP#i need to shake charles like a ragdoll BUT ANYWAY. bye bye for now lovelies !!!!!!!#please forgive me if i didnt answer your question efficiently ..#here i am saying i wanted to keep the tag count brief and yet !!! jesus christ. shut up My God I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT
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oh if you're still taking sims then venessa jeong in 1920s or catarina lynx in 1960s
Hey Nonny, dear! These are SO good. I’ll add them to the list but I won’t lie to you, no promises I’ll get them done. I’ve been dealing with some chronic back pain that makes it painful to sit for really any period of time (RIP to using my PC) but also just makes my brain real ~foggy~
I’m definitely on the up and up so I’ve got them on the to-do list, but if I do manage to finally sit and play, I may work on some story posts instead. My apologies to you and anyone else who sent me one, I got a little over ambitious by posting that.
#posts game to distract myself from the pain#is too in pain to do it at all#feels guilty and avoids it further#why is the brain like this 🥲#anyway again I’m so sorry#I shall try! but so little time and so many ambitions#I have been wanting to resume story posts so badly but haven’t been able to sit up for like a week#RIP I hate being in my 30s#okay love yalllll#thank you Nonny ♥️#and one last time#���#I am sorry#gif warning#rambling heathen warning
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adhd advice will be like people with adhd struggle to get their thoughts organised. also to get diagnosed you need to get your thoughts on why you have adhd organised in advance in order to convince the doctor you have it
#sorry for the vent incoming but#both my sister (who is diagnosed with adhd and autism) and my mother have been saying they think i might be adhd for like a year now#and like thatd be cool bc adhd can be medicated right? so maybe i can get help with my disaster life after all#except the problem is every time i think about the task of calling the doctor i get overwhelmed and cant#unfortunately asking my family for a list of why they think i'm adhd is not helpful bc theyre always like#“idk just whenever we talk about [sister]'s adhd i think how it sounds like we're describing you” & then none of them can give me an exampl#all ive come up with myself if when i was a kid i remember i was either quiet or so chatty that i forget the other person needs to speak#or like i'd try to join in a conversation and many times people would say like 'thats not really related to what we're talking about'#i no longer and super chatty bc i learned fo shut the fuck up pretty quick or you get made fun of but yeah.#i also forget things but i'm also very good at writing them down bc i know i'll forget and make people annoyed if i dont#so like idk if that counts like i feel like in my life ive been forced to learn how to cope and fit in so its like#is it adhd and i'm masking or is it not#like this is always the problem when i seek professional help they find out i can do hard stuff and they say you seem like you're okay#but like. hard stuff i can do is still hard. is everything supposed to feel this hard then? i hope not#vent#anyway other points are my thoughts keep me awake at night (its like loud jumbled thoughts of tv quotes and music and conversations ive had#and also obviously i struggle to make appointments. and i get distracted when i'm doing something boring even if i remove distractions#from my sight bc if i have no distractions i just start daydreaming. is this anything#this post itself is distracting me from work#i also connot make connections with 99% of people i meet socialising is so hard for me#maybe i should just send this tumblr vent to my doctor and see if it gets me a referral would that work
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here, have an excerpt of this mishanks fic that i just got back into writing (i wrote a lot of it back in feb). it's a bonded dreams au, but they don't realize for a long time that it's really them haha. :)) they are 11 and 15 in this snippet, and shanks is a lil hawkeyes fanboy. 🦅🗡
#rei rambles#rei writes#mishanks#akataka#so much of this fic is just meandering cuz i wrote a lot of it when i was occupying myself on planes or in airports#so like. if i had to draw the tension of this fic as a graph it'd basically be a straight line lmao. no tension only vibes.#but it's so much longer than im used to my fics being.#anyways i suppose i could use a distraction from worrying about my hand as well.#my doc apt is next week so im trying to save drawing for my most mandatory deadlines.#i already took last week off hoping it was just a one-time strain thing but my hand complained so loud after my draeing sesh yesterday 😭😭#so on break it is! hopefully whatever it is is manageable and i can still draw everything i want to when i want to 🥲🥲🥲
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around but quiet. dread dread dread dread dread dread
#i love new years. a slap in the face of how i've come almost nowhere over the last year 🙃#sorry to keep being miserable on the dash adjgksh#just. feel like i'm back where i was in april. or teetering on that edge.#and that's the worst place i've ever been mentally.#anyway. hoping some distraction & mindfulness will lessen the horrible chill that runs thru my body any time i think too much.#if it does i'll try to actually do stuff. if not... idk.#i'm gonna. try to not post as much about ooc agony. just always feel this awful need to explain myself & apologize for being#so horrendously slow at everything adjgksh#love you guys. hope your day is treating you all well 💜#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.#negative cw#personal cw#mental health cw
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she really isn't sure about him
#and tried to bite his hat#i am alive#just#honestly just really having a hard time at the moment#the will to live is not willing#trying to distract myself with dragon age but not really finding joy in anything at ghe moment#its just really hard everything is#kind of just don't want to exist anymore#anyway here is robbie
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...
#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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The consequences of my poor financial decisions are here!!
#blame Kat for this lmao. she got the Yangchen novels first and I very easily give in to peer pressure (that wasn't exerted. but whatever)#three days earlier than scheduled too. which worked out perfectly bc I picked them up on the way home from grandma's#and carried them for 2 km. 2 hardcover books + the thick cardboard boxset they're in#+ the backpack full of food my grandma gave me#in the rain#I nearly fucking died#I'm not made for this level of physical exercise 😅#okay moving on#nia stop calling things like this poor financial decisions challenge#it cost like. the equivalent of 40 bucks#I have 30 times as much hidden away in my sock drawer#and I am usually responsible with my spending. I'm allowed a slightly more expensive treat every once in a while#also my dad doesn't know but I'm sure if I would him 'hey I spent 3.8k on a pair of books is that okay'#he'd be like 'why tf are you asking when have I ever said no to you spending money'#but again. I do try to be mindful#which is why as much as I want the lok art books and could probably ask for money for them. I won't#bc they cost an arm and a leg and I cannot morally allow myself to spend that kind of money#anyway. getting distracted again#do you know how hard it was to get these? I checked like 3 marketplaces before I did#and I was fully ready to get them in russian because non-classical english books are impossible to come by here#sanctions and all that. but somehow I did. and it only cost half the money in my bank account#I don't even know if Russian editions exist. these books were written before the war and before the gay propaganda ban but still#I didn't find them when I looked. maybe they don't sell them now that the law is in place or smth#I don't really care enough to look it up#the point is. I now own the books and can happily read about best girl kyoshi whenever I want#if the stress for an upcoming event doesn't kill me. that is#also I have read rok before but it was 3 years ago so my memory is vague. and I just realised how much thinner sok is?#I'll have to check the page count later
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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
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Me rn:
#I FEEL VERY NERVOUS RN DUE TO WHAT I THINK IS MORALITY OCD#actually more like guilt if anything#which is what morality ocd does!#i don’t wanna talk about it either#not something I’m comfortable with sharing atm#i really hate having these episodes of nervousness and guilty feelings and fear over the non existent thought police arresting me#it’s not fun and hinders me from doing anything I enjoy cause it likes to ruminate in my head for hours on end until I talk about it#with someone which I don’t want to do btw#anyways time to try and distract myself😔#emily vents
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Today has sucked so bad I need tk be in my partner's arms instead of dealing with all of this </3
#negative#I am doing So not good today#< mentally and physically. it all hurts 👍#got jumpscared by one of my triggers and it just like. really put me in a bad mood and it's still bothering me a lot#I've been so distracted by thoughts about personal stuff thag I have fucked up making dinner 3 times now#thank god I have therapy this week I need it so bad. falls off a cliff#all I want to do right now is be held by Zooble. this would fix everything wrong with me#also Super disappointed because I have been trying to draw all day but I can't focus because I'm so tired#I'm still going to try and do it anyway. I need to do anything to try and make myself not feel bad anymore lol
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