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rayslittlekitten · 4 years ago

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You Got This - Part 2

I recommend reading Part 1 first if you haven't.

Plot: After having a heart to heart, you and Jax re-live your youth.

Pairing: Jax Teller x F! Reader

Contains: a lot of fluff and fluffy sex, also a shit ton of Jax smoking porn, and you see his butt 🙃

A/N: Thank you Anon for this request. I hope you and the other readers enjoy this (if not more) than the first part. This took me longer than I expected to write this, but it's finally done. I kept going back and forth on trying to decide what to include and what not to. Also, had I known I was going to be writing a part two for this, the beginning of this would have been at the end of part one, but hindsight is 20/20. I actually did already write out most of the beginning but decided to leave it out of part one because I thought where I left it was a good place to end it. I also thought about eliminating it completely but I really like the interaction that happens with Gemma. To me it's like a beauty shot. Is it necessary and does it move the story along at all? Not quite, but it looks good so let's just leave it in there anyways. Also to squeeze a little bit more angst out of Jax.

Also, I had a bit of trouble writing this as well because as strange as this sounds, I couldn't find the perfect song to pair with this. Sometimes I need music to help me get into the mindset and mood. I was going for like a nostalgic summer love kinda thing. I had actually thought to use a song form the mid-90s because to really make it feel nostalgic and Shanice's "Saving Forever For You" was the winner for that but I decided it was not right for this. Maybe their actual first time, yes. Then it was a toss up between "Honey Whiskey" by Satica and "Take Me Away" by Sinead Harnett/EARTHGANG and the latter won given the situation. I'd recommend giving it a listen below (or any of the songs listed) to get the mood I was going for while writing the sex scene. I really thank you for reading my ramblings if you've gotten this far. I just want to give the readers the best experience to my stories and how it was intended when I wrote it.

A loud commotion outside interrupts the moment and you both realize you need to get dressed before someone finds the both of you. He pulls out of you and you both quickly get yourselves together. You hop into the bathroom inside the bedroom to clean yourself up. When you walk out, you see Jax sitting on the bed smoking a cigarette with all his clothes and hair in place, like he had been sitting there this whole time and didn't move from his spot when you first walked in. He glances over to you and you're reminded of how his handsome charming face is something you miss so much.

"I should probably go before someone starts looking for either of us." You walk out of the bathroom and towards the front door. Jax grabs your hand and pulls you back to him.

"Hey." He stands up, cups your face and looks at you. "It's really good to see you again."

Suddenly you both hear the door knob rattling and then a knock following it.

"Jax, are you in there, honey?" You both hear Gemma on the other side of the door.

You both separate and smooth yourselves out and Jax walks over to open the door.

"Honey, what are you doing in here? Tara--" Gemma's facial expression shifts when she spots you. She looks at the both of you suspiciously. You both thought you were so slick when you were younger but if there was anyone who knew what you both were up to, it would be Gemma. Nothing slips past her. In fact, she’s always secretly hoped you two would get together. You were born into SAMCRO, making you MC royalty. The Princess of Charming.

"Oh, I didn't know you were in here too. I'm very sorry about Opie, sweetheart."

"Thank you, Gemma." You walk closer to the door and Gemma pulls you in for a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Where's your fiancé?" Gemma asks curiously.

"Fiancé?" Jax glances over at you.

"I came by myself this time," you answer. "We're kind of on a break." You wrinkle your nose.

"I'm sorry to hear that too. Must be one hell of a break." Gemma's knowing eyes are boring a hole into you. "Lyla tells me you're staying a while?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna help her out with the kids for a week or so until she can figure it out. I know you and the club will be a big help, but with everything going on, I think her and the kids can use another familiar face."

"Family is important and I'm very happy to see you here." Gemma's eyes shift to Jax with the same knowing look she gave you. "Well, whenever you're ready, Tara's looking for you."

"Thanks, mom." Jax runs his hand over the top of his hair. Gemma glances at you both again once more before she walks away.

You start making your way out the door when Jax pulls you back in.

"You're engaged?" Jax asks with wide eyes.

"Was," you reply.

"Was it to that pretentious English prick you brought back with you last time?" Jax snarls.

"Ray is a good guy and he treats me really well. We're just going through a bit of a rough patch right now," you tell him. "Also, the last I heard, you're married with two children, Teller."

Jax just looks at you, knowing he has no right to be upset about you being with another man.

"And I believe your wife is looking for you," you say before walking away from him as you see your nephews and niece running up to you. "Hey guys!"

Jax takes a drag of his cigarette while he continues watching you as you kneel down to greet the kids.

A few days later...

The sun is beginning to set and Jax is at the clubhouse. Most of the people have already left. He needs some quiet and alone time after spending a few days earlier in the week not just watching his best friend get killed, but also saying goodbye and laying him to rest. He climbs up the ladder onto the roof of the clubhouse, one of his favorite places to think and reflect quietly while smoking. What he didn't expect to find is someone else had beat him to the spot.

"I didn't know you were here," Jax says as he walks over and sits next to them. "You've been avoiding me like the plague all week."

"I miss watching the sunset," you reply without looking at him.

"The sun doesn't set where you are?" Jax asks as he lights up a joint.

"It's not the same."

Jax takes a long drag and then offers it to you.

You look at it for a moment and form a small smile before taking it from him. The roof was also a place you both frequented in your youth to smoke pot, away from your parents and the adults. Eventually they figured out your secret spot, but it didn't stop you guys from coming back. You take a pull and hand it back to him.

"I also miss this. There is nothing like California-grown weed."

Jax takes a hit and blows out the smoke from the corner of his mouth.

"Do you ever miss me?" Jax looks over at you and passes the joint back to you.

You look over to him and squint an eye to prevent the sun from blinding you.

"Yeah, sometimes I do."

"Does your English weed taste like fucking tea and crumpets?" Jax jokes.

"Oh, I get the best shit there is over there. Trust me." You chuckle. "But... it's not home."

"So why don't you come home?" Jax looks back at you with the same squinty face.

You look at him for a moment deciding what you want to say. "You know, that's the reason why Ray and I put the engagement on hold. With everything happening here, I wanted to be closer to family. Figure my shit out." You take another drag and return the joint back to him.

"There's more than family that would love to see you back home too." Jax reaches for your hand and squeezes it.

"Jackson, what happened the other day, we both acted out of impulse. We were both just... vulnerable. I'm sorry if it gave the wrong impression."

Jax shakes his head, then takes another long pull of the joint. “Ope was like my moral compass, kept me grounded and always pointed me in the right direction, and now he's gone, because of me."

"Jackson, you can't--" You start shaking your head.

"You’re the closest thing I have left of Ope. I need you." Jax holds your hand.

"Jackson, in your heart, you always knew what was best. You don't need me." You push a loose chunk of his blonde hair away from his face and tuck it behind his ear. "I know you're hurting, but I can't fill the void that Opie left. Nothing ever will. Just focus on what's important to you and you'll figure it out. You always did." You smile at him while caressing his cheek with your thumb. "You got this." He closes his eyes and leans in to your hand, soaking in your touch.

"You still have too much faith me." He turns his head slightly to kiss the palm of your hand.

"Yeah, maybe. Besides, our boat sailed a long time ago," you add, pulling your hands away from him and looking away. Jax takes the last drag of the joint and tosses it off the roof.

"Maybe that boat can make one last stop before sailing away for good?" Jax gently grabs your chin and turns your head to him to look into his slightly droopy eyes.

Even all this time, it's still hard to not get lost in his baby blues. It's even harder with the perfect setting: the firey orange sky, the slight California breeze, the clubhouse rooftop. Maybe it's the weed, but it feels perfect in the moment. It's all taking you back to the summer when you were 14, when the only care in your worlds were right in front of each other. It's also the perfect setting for cruising around. Jax use to "borrow" one of the bikes from the clubhouse and take you on joyrides, basking in the sun while the wind hits your faces.

He slowly leans into you, and you close the distance, pressing your lips against his. Jax immediately responds and kisses back, his tongue slipping between your teeth. You can taste whiskey mixed with a faint linger of cigarettes and marijuana. Jax cradles your neck and pulls you in closer to him.

The loud roar of a motorcycle driving by and backfiring breaks you up. You both are brought back to reality that you are both still on a rooftop and a bit baked.

"Come on, let's get inside." Jax jerks his head towards the latch. Jax helps you down the ladder first and he follows behind. He quickly makes a sweep and doesn't see anyone except for a few guys at the bar with their back turned towards the both of you. Jax grabs your hand and leads you back into the spare bedroom you both were in earlier in the week. This definitely feels like you both are hormone-driven teenagers again, sneaking around the clubhouse.

Once Jax closes and locks the door, he turns his attention back to you but he stops in his tracks to really look at you. All of you. He never thought he'd ever be with you or see you like this again. What happened the other day was different. Like you said, it was a moment of weakness, an impulsive move on both of you because of shared pain.

This time, there is no urgency, there is no hurt, just the two of you re-living a moment the two of you wish you had the opportunity to experience over and over again. This time it's intentionally and purely for the most selfish reasons. He walks over to you and presses his lips onto yours, taking his time to actually taste and feel your soft lips on his. He pulls you in close to his body as his hands explore yours.

As the both of you continue to deliberately and slowly make out, Jax grabs your ass and presses himself against you, feeling his erection through your clothes. Jax pushes you backward towards the bed and you fall back when you feel the edge hit the back of your knees. He falls on top of you and expertly starts disrobing you while making out with you. In one quick swift, Jax pulls your shirt over your head, leaving you in a satin black bra. He takes his time with you, starting with his lips on your neck, licking and kissing it, even nibbling at it. He's always wanted to leave a hickey on you, letting all the guys know you're taken. He then makes his way down to your collar bone, the top of your chest and then pulls down your bra on one side to reveal a nipple. He puts his mouth over it and swirls his tongue around it. Jax looks up to see your reaction and find you looking back biting your lower lip. He smirks and pulls down the other side of your bra and gives that nipple the same attention, making you arch against his mouth.

"Oh, Jackson," you moan.

He lets out a low growl.

"As much as I want to hear all the sexy noises coming out of your mouth while I'm pleasuring you, you gotta keep it quiet, darlin'." He kisses you while he unhooks your bra and tosses it aside. He then unbuttons your pants and backs himself off the bed. He slowly slides your pants and thong off your hips and down your legs. He licks his lips, excited to unwrap you like his present. You watch him as he lowers himself to his knees and kneels at your feet to help you with your boots and removes the rest of the clothes off your body. Suddenly feeling a bit exposed and shy like it's your first time with Jax, you keep your legs together. Jax places his hands on each of your knees and coaxes them open. He looks at his gift and licks his lips.

He dives in between your legs while looking up at you. His soft lips and warm wet tongue are licking and sucking you on all the right places and his beard tickling your inner thighs. That's new to you. He barely had peach fuzz in his teens. You feel him slip a finger inside you as his lips are pulling at your clit. Your breathing is getting shorter and more shallow. Jax inserts another long finger in you and finds your g-spot, rubbing circles on it.

"Jax, I..." Feeling your orgasm building, you are rendered speechless. Jax continues sucking and stroking you until you come undone into his mouth and on his fingers. He watches you squirm and thrash as you scream quietly in ecstasy. He doesn't stop until you are sensitive to his touch and you push him away. He wipes his beard and smiles at you, proud of his accomplishment. Jax surely still knows his way around your body.

You glance up to him as he gets to his feet. You watch him strip his clothes off, first the kutte, then his shirt pulled over his head. He kicks off his sneakers as he takes his time unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning his jeans. You're glad he's taking his time though because it allows you to soak up and remember every second you have with this gorgeous man in front of you. He finally pulls his jeans and boxers down. Besides from the other day, the last time you and him were this intimate, the both of you were shorter, slimmer and clearly less experienced. Now you’re both grown, gained curves and muscles and are far more seasoned in the bedroom. He's also certainly grown in other places as well.

"Back up," Jax nods his head as he climbs onto the bed and hovers above you. You scoot back so your whole body is on the bed. Jax lays on top of you and smashes his lips against yours again, cradling your neck and grinding against you. You can feel the head of cock teasing your opening.

"Maybe we should use a condom this time," you tell him in between kisses.

"I'm not gonna lie. You did feel amazing without one the other day," Jax admits.

You and Jax had always been careful and taking the right steps when you were younger, using condoms at all times so that time was the first time you both had sex without one. Thankfully you are on birth control and both are STD-free, but you know you shouldn't take any chances.

You give him a knowing look.

"Anything for you, darlin'." Jax gives you a kiss on the cheek before getting up to put on a condom. He climbs back on top of you and looks at you as he caresses your face, still not believing that you're beneath him.

You gently grab his face with both hands and kiss him deeply. You then feel him slip inside you. All of him. You moan into his mouth and move with him, both of your hips slowly thrusting in unison. Jax grabs your hands and brings them above your head. He intertwines his fingers with yours and thrusts deeper into you. He watches you while you relish in the moment, as he pulls these lost emotions from you with each deliberate push. You wrap your legs around his waist and it encourages him to pick up the pace. You try to do the same and meet his rhythm.

Jax releases your hands and reaches for your legs behind him and brings them in front of him to rest on his shoulders, deepening his access to you. His hand reaches up to cradle your neck as he pounds into you. You then feel his thumb slide over the front of your throat. You start to feel his fingers tighten slightly around your neck. This is also new for you and Jax, but you're loving it. You can feel yourself getting closer to achieving another orgasm.

"Jackson..." you pant.

"Come for me, darlin'. I know you're there," Jax grunts.

You close your eyes and feel bliss as you let yourself go, letting your body take over you. After your orgasm subsides, you open your eyes and find Jax is no longer making love to you, but just smiling at you while still inside you. Now it's time for you to show him a few tricks you've learned.

"Get on your back," you tell him.

Without any protest from Jax, you both switch positions. Jax lies on his back with this hands behind his head, waiting for you to take the wheel. You straddle him and take your time sinking yourself onto him. You feel a lot more confident about being on top than you did when you were younger. You were shy and inexperienced. Now? You're going to ride him like the sexiest Harley you've ever had the privilege of sitting on. You slowly start riding him, rocking back and forth, grinding on him and teasing him. You enjoy the feeling of him filling you up to the hilt as you push down on him.

Jax looks up at you, watching you take charge and own his dick. He definitely notices you're a lot more comfortable in this position than he remembers. He reaches up and runs his hands over your breasts, massaging them and caressing your nipples as you enjoy the ride. He's certainly enjoying the view.

"You are still as fucking beautiful as the day I fell in love with you," Jax says, mesmerized by the image in front of him.

You smile and then lean back, placing your hands behind you on his thighs. Jax looks at you curiously. You roll your hips and start sliding up and down on him, giving him a clear view. He looks down and watches himself disappear in and out of you.

Jax groans and runs the palms of his hands over your thighs and settles on your hips. One of his hands then slides over between your legs and he starts rubbing circles on your clit with this thumb. You moan and gasp. You then lean forward, placing your hands on the pillow of each side of his head and lean down closer to him. You start bouncing your ass up and down as you look down on him, your hair forming a curtain around your faces. Jax grabs your ass and starts thrusting up to meet your movement. The only sounds echoing in the room are your pants and your bodies slapping against each other. Jax speeds up and watches your face as it distorts. He knows you've got another one inside you and you're very close.

"Come on, darlin'. Let it go." Jax coos.

You let out a loud moan as your legs shake and feel like a firecracker exploded inside of you. Jax clamps a hand over your mouth as he continues to drill inside.

"There you go, Y/N." Jax smiles watching you fall apart on top of him. He then swiftly flips you onto your back and roughly drives into you a few more times until he finally gets his own release.

As he slows down, you both look at each other, savoring the moment and then kiss softly.

Suddenly the door knob starts to rattle and the person on the other side is banging on the door.

"Yo, hurry it up! I gotta take a shit!" an unrecognizable voice shouts.

"Hey asshole, the bathroom is further down!" You both hear Chibs shouting. You place your hands over your mouth as you start to laugh.

"Shh!" Jax puts a finger over his pursed lips as he tries to suppress his own laughter.

SMASH CUT TO BLACK

A/N: I never put notes at the end but I figured I'd let you enjoy the fic first before mentioning I currently don't have plans to expand this story. I might in the future, but not in the near future. I originally intended the first part to be short and be a one off, but I just kept writing and writing and there were so many places and opportunities to keep expanding. Same for part two. There were so many directions I could have gone. I had a bit of struggle with this for some reason. It's not quite exactly how I pictured it ending but it works for what it is.

If you haven’t read it yet, I wrote two short scenes titled “Carry Me Home” and “Joyride” which are like flashbacks in this universe.

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#charlie hunnam #charlie hunnam fanfiction #sons of anarchy #sons of anarchy fanfiction #jax teller #jax teller x reader #jax teller x you #au #reimagine

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rattyoakenbitch · 4 years ago

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❝𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐡 𝐬𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠❞ ─ 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐡𝐚𝐦

after all this time, i start asking why i'm staying

were you ever mine?

are we something that's worth saving?

❥ content ; gn reader, eventual fluff, angst, happy ending

❥ warnings ; cursing, themes of cheating

❥ synopsis ; you're will's s/o. when he comes home from work, you can tell he's off. what you didn't expect was him to kick you out.

❥ a/n ; none!

"Will?"

You call out after hearing the front door to your house open and shut. When you don't get a response, you get up from your laying position on the couch and approach the front door.

There, Will stood. His back was turned to you as he hung up his coat, and although you could not see his face, you could immediately tell he was off. Even the energy around him felt dark and tense.

"Oh, hey, hun.." You said anxiously, trying not to set him off in any way.

Will didn't react to your voice. Instead, he backed away from the clothing rack and walked past you, not even bothering to spare you a look. This wasn't the first time Will acted out like this, especially considering he was exhausted all the time from the work Crawford gave him. But he would at least greet you soon as he walked through the door, not flat out treat you as if you didn't exist.

"Will," you sighed dejectedly, more to yourself than to your boyfriend. You quietly followed him upstairs to the master bedroom, where he began to strip off his work clothes, changing into something more comfortable. Still, he ignored your presence. You had to make another move.

You slowly approached him from behind, placing your hands on his shoulders. You were immediately taken back when he forcefully removed himself from your touch and walked away to another corner of the room.

"Will, I just-"

"What?" he scoffed mockingly, "You just want to help?"

"You're my boyfriend, Will, of course I want to!"

He laughed.

"It certainly doesn't help when you breathe down my neck every fucking minute."

Tears pricked in your eyes, Will's vicious tone scaring you. You searched Will's own eyes, trying to find any trace of remorse or regret. He had none. You didn't even know who you were looking at.

"What are you talking about, Will? When you want space, I give you space. When you want love, I give you love! What more do you want from me?"

"I want you to leave."

And then it was quiet for a moment. You both stood there silently, feet away from each other, eyes burning holes into the others.

"..What?" You stared in disbelief. "Wh- What are you saying right now, Will?"

"I want you to leave. I want you gone, Y/N. I don't need you anymore."

"No," you bit your quivering lips, hot tears spilling down your cheeks. Will averted his stare from your crying form, the floor suddenly becoming more interesting.

"No, you're lying. You're just saying that. You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me."

"I'm sorry, Y/N." Lies. "It's best if you just leave."

You choked on a sob. "What?! Where is this coming from all of a sudden? We were okay just the other day!"

Will remained silent, still not daring to make eye contact with you.

"Is there someone else?"

"I- No, Y/N. I don't owe you an explanation."

"So this is it, then? You're just gonna kick me out?"

"Please, Y/N. Don't make this harder than it already is."

"This is hard for you?! You're not the one getting kicked out!"

Will sighed, somehow managing to remain calm while you screamed at him.

"I'm sorry." And the conversation ended there.

You began to pack your bags. You also phoned a friend, asking them if you could crash for a bit until you had a stable job and a home. You were not about to sleep on the sofa tonight.

You opened and slammed drawers, taking your anger out on furniture as you took your belongings with you. You also did it to spite Will, who attempted to get some sleep. But he did not complain. He continued to act as if you didn't exist.

It made you wonder. Where did it all go wrong? How long has he thought about leaving you? Was there another person?

Will wouldn't answer your questions. At this point, you didn't wanna know.

You were able to finish packing up within an hour. Will was still wide awake during that time, listening closely to the angry banging of furniture, quiet sniffles and shaky inhales as you tried the best you could to keep your composure.

You loaded all your bags into your car, getting ready to head to your friend's place. You went back inside to get a couple more things and look around the house a final time. You stopped by the front door as you were about to leave, your eyes landing on a picture on the windowsill of you and Will. Your already tired, red eyes welled with tears again. You opened up the frame, sliding the picture out and folding it into your pocket. Not like Will would want it in his house anyway.

And so you left.

You didn't say your goodbyes. You just left.

A week had gone by. Will carried on with his job as usual, attended his therapy sessions, but he never once mentioned you. Not a lot of people knew about you and Will's relationship, or what was once a relationship. Since his coworkers already knew so much, or what Will deemed to be enough information about him, he wanted to keep your relationship secret. Not that you minded.

The only person who knew of your relationship was Alana Bloom and Jack Crawford, but even when it ended, he didn't tell them anything. He didn't tell them how guilty he felt the night he kicked you out. He didn't tell them he still had nightmares about you being harmed. He didn't tell them how he was the one harming you in his nightmares. He didn't tell them how empty he felt when you blocked his number and social medias (ok sorry but like little headcanon here?? will has an instagram and it's just pictures of him fishing / or of his dogs fnsmdnskdjsk).

He never told them how he tried not to stay in his house as often, because it reminded him of you.

He was definitely acting strange at work. It was easy to tell. Even Bev pulled him aside to inquire about his health. But he continued to keep his mouth shut, until he couldn't.

Will rushed to the front door when he heard little taps on the metal screen. Secretly, he hoped it would be you. But when he opened it, there stood Alana Bloom. Will always thought Alana was beautiful. But how could anyone disagree?

Her long, dark waves that framed her perfect, slim face were never unchecked and unkempt. Makeup or none, preppy work uniforms or pajamas, she always seemed to look her best.

You even found yourself feeling small and insecure when Will invited her over for you to meet. But he assured you that she could never even compare to you. You believed it.

Alana's thin lips curled up into a soft smile. "Will. Can I come in?"

"Y-Yeah, sure." He let her in and she walked through the front door for the first time in forever.

"Jeez," she chuckled. "How long as it been?"

"Maybe too long," Will simply replied.

Alana walked around the house, scanning every detail while Will patiently trailed behind her. The dogs were playing outside, so it was just the two of them.

"Why did you decide to come over today?"

"I've been worried about you." She turned around to face Will, who stopped a few feet in front of her. "But now that I'm here in your house, I can see why you've been acting off."

"What's your diagnosis, Doctor?" Will joked, an attempt at lightening the tense air.

"Y/N. They left, haven't they?"

There it is.

Technically, Alana wasn't wrong. You did leave, but Will never clarified in what circumstance.

Will looked at the ground.

"Yeah.. Took all the photos too."

"Hey," Alana began, her finger resting under Will's chin, prompting him to look up at her. "You don't have to hide from me."

A week had gone by. A long, lonely, miserable week. You crashed at your friend's for two nights before your parents invited you to live with them while you worked on getting back on your feet. They didn't live too far, so you thanked your friend for their hospitality and moved in with your parents.

As you finished unpacking your stuff, you realized you were missing some things. You cursed at the realization you would probably have to pick up some stuff from Will's.

You still had the key, so you would have no problem getting in, unless he had the lock changed of course. You were only worried about running into him.

What the hell?

You got dressed. You didn't wear anything fancy, but in case you ran into Will, you felt obligated to look presentable and show him that you could still make it without him. You decided on doing a bit of makeup. Again, nothing fancy. Just enough to conceal the dark circles under your eyes and make your features pop.

And then you headed on the dreadful drive to Will's place.

When you got there, you were too nervous and too focused on making the trip quick to even notice Alana's car in his driveway.

However, what did catch your attention, were the many dogs Will owned. They ran up to you as soon as they recognized you. They panted as they jumped and wagged their tails, expressing their happiness the most they could. You tried your best to pet them all, your mouth lifting up into a smile. You didn't realize it but you really missed the dogs.

You dug around for the key in your pocket and pulled it out, quietly unlocking the front door and letting yourself in.

"You don't have the hide from me.."

Your eyebrows furrowed together at the sound of a female voice.

When you walked into the living room, you were horrified to see Will with another woman. Alana.

Their lips were locked, engaging in a passionate kiss, not even noticing your presence. You felt sick as you put the pieces together.

"Now I know why you kicked me out," you whispered, half to yourself and half to Will, who almost about pushed Alana off him at the sound of your voice.

Both their cheeks heated up in embarrassment when their eyes fell on you.

"Y/N! I'm so sorry, I thought-"

"Look, I only came to pick up some stuff. Then I'll be out of your way." You didn't once look away from Will, deciding to totally disregard Alana's presence and apologetic mutters.

With that, you rushed out of the living room and into your bedroom, searching under the bed and in the closet for your missing items.

You heard faint talking from the living room but tuned out most of it, deciding it wasn't worth your time or even your business in the first place. Then you heard the front door shut and a car start from outside.

Before you could process what might've happened, you heard Will's footsteps stop outside the bedroom.

"Y/N, we should talk."

"No, we shouldn't."

"You blocked my number."

"What good would it do if I kept it?"

"Please, hear me out."

Disgruntled, you turned to face Will, sending a cold glare his way.

"Look, unless you found a way to make a time machine and give me back the time I wasted on you, I don't want to speak with you."

"Why won't you just listen to me?!" he snapped.

You scoffed, "Well surprise, douchebag, I have feelings and you hurt them!"

"Well, I'm sorry, alright?" he calmed down now.

"Are you? Really?" You shook your head. "A sorry won't fix this, Will. Not after what you did. Gods- I can't even look at you right now."

You laughed. "You know what fucking sucks? After all you did, after the cheating and the lies, I'm still in love with you."

Will teared up. "I was never with Alana, Y/N. It's always been you."

"Then, why, Will? Why did you throw me out so coldly like that?"

"I began to have dreams, Y/N. Nightmares," Will admitted, his voice beginning to break. "Nightmares about people hurting you. Criminals. It was too real. As much as I loved- As much as I love you, I never wanted you to choose me. I don't want people using you as a weapon against me. To hurt me."

You slowly walked towards Will, stopping a foot away from him. You looked up into his glossy bambi eyes as he spoke.

"It was when the nightmares got worse, when I was the one hurting you, that I realized you weren't safe with me."

You cried. "Oh, Will. I wish you had told me."

"I couldn't. I didn't want you to remember me that way."

You laughed. "Well, I ended up remembering you as the asshole who kicked me out, instead."

Will managed to give you a smile through his tears.

He brought his hand to your shoulder, and gently lead it up your neck to the side of your face, cupping it lightly and brushing his thumb across your cheek.

"I would never hurt you, Y/N."

"I know. I know, Will. You aren't a monster for having nightmares you can't control." You brought your own hand up and placed it against Will's, leaning into his warm touch. "I'm still here. I'm alive. In your hands. And I feel safe with you."

Almost hesitantly, Will leaned in, connecting his lips to yours. His body felt tense, but when you kissed him back, you felt his worries disappear into the air.

He pulled away, resting his forehead against yours.

"Stay with me tonight?"

#will graham x reader #will graham fluff #will graham angst #will graham #hannibal nbc #hannibal tv show #hannibal gifs #will graham gifs #will graham oneshot #will graham imagines #rattyoakenbitch #alana bloom #angsty #hannibal fandom #hannibal fanfiction #beach bunny #lyric prompts

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pengosolvent · 3 years ago

Note

“If PK hurt you, then why did you go back to them? Like, you outed Marl for the dog stuff and PK and Marl sued you. Why talk to them again? Why go to those servers?”

A KFer

I appreciate this question because it makes sense to me why it would be asked It seems really difficult to parse for an observer when things often seem permanent and I don’t post much online… Like, a lawsuit is a big thing that seems really permanent, I think many wouldn't forgive others over that So the questions make sense to me

I'm busy and honestly don't have the time to methodically respond to everything, but this one felt thorough enough to try to talk about? I might look at more things later, but IDK

(To be clear, all the stuff here that is not under a readmore (or ===) is context for why I reply the way I do, which might seem kind of pointless for some, but the question is about my feelings (As in, “why did you do XYZ?”, the answer is my experiences, thoughts, context, feelings, etc), so I am trying to be clear about the feelings that went in to this. Under the readmore is trying to provide a summary of a response and then trying to elaborate on a play by play of my memories)

I've sat on this ask for a bit, because I do want to answer it… But I admit it is kind of hard to feel motivated to, when the question is directly about my feelings and it currently seems like my feelings are not considered "good enough" reasons for many Nor do my feelings feel understandable to many, or even if they are "understandable", I got some well-meaning people that think I should just… not interact with others until I'm more "normal" which is a sugarcoated way of saying I should stay isolated until I learn something that I cannot learn without interaction with others

That does hurt considering I've been very isolated basically my whole life I suppose it feels like confirmation of past worries where I am too damaged to really engage with others, so I have been dwelling on that too and what it means or where to go from that

Though, to be fair, it’s not like I’ve been very active at all for a while anyway? That confuses me a bit

It does feel like people want my work (comics, music, whatever) if they are upset that I have "abandoned" things (I haven't), but not really me if they also are upset at my attempts to engage with others without trying to understand why I acted that way or overlaying their own ideas of my intentions and are just basically telling me to go away forever

Oh, and, there are those that think my amount of words is meaningless, so it feels like trying to answer a question that (feels to me like it) requires a complex answer is just going to be seen as ignoring others and choosing to still be "purple prose"-y or whatever

Which is interesting, since in the past people used to say that I wrote so much in my post about Glip that it must be true? Which ultimately, I did get some aspects wrong anyway (like writing about Mike and how I framed everything from the lens of Glip not caring) so that wasn't really accurate, but it does feel kind of funny to see the opposite applied now, that I say too much and people aren't interested Speaking of which, I am doing that again aren't I?

I really just have trouble summarizing my thoughts because I have trouble knowing what is or is not relevant, and what I personally feel is relevant seems to not be to others I have a lot of thoughts, I like to ask questions and try to understand, but this makes it hard to share my thoughts since they can be all over the place

I guess I could reply with a short answer here and call it done, just the bare bones of relevance, but it would feel bad for me to do that because it wouldn't provide any information really

"Why did I go back into contact with Glip despite everything? Feelings, pain, wanting to understand, wanting to believe in resolution and change"

These are the answers, but if I just say that, it means nothing to anyone else? It feels too truncated to answer anything

But if others already don't trust my feelings or think they are irrelevant, then what is the point to answering the question? I guess I can add a summary at the top? […] Well, while writing this, I tried to write a summary and it just became really long winded, so guess that isn't happening very easily

I'll try to trust that you care about the answer if you asked this question, so I will try to trust that you will try to read through the words I won't really know if this message reaches you, or if you even care, but I will try to trust that you did because I would like my response to have some sort of meaning

If others don't care, well that will have to be okay I will try to trust that you (whoever the KF user is, whether they are the same as the anon) did care at least in the moment of asking the question

It’s okay if you don’t care after my response, but in the moment of asking these questions, I will try to believe there was care

I'm sorry, I did try to be succinct, but considering your question goes over like… 6 years worth of a feud + previous years of abuse I went thru before meeting PK + aftermath, it's hard to be I am trying to … stay as focused as possible, but that is honestly difficult

It does feel like an uphill climb, to try to respond Even now wording this, I can sense someone will go "Just get to the answer already" but I am trying to express my context for why my answer is the way it is Maybe that's meaningless to whoever is reading this? But it is meaningful to me, and so I will try to write from that

Anyway, to answer you

=== The shortest answer I can muster is…

“If PK hurt you, then why did you go back to them? Like, you outed Marl for the dog stuff and PK and Marl sued you. Why talk to them again?" I wanted to know WHY they hurt me. Knowing why is important to me, if I don't understand why I was hurt, I still feel pain. If my pain isn't understood or considered, then I don't heal. I wanted to understand why I was hurt and if PK could understand my pain I had a bunch of reasons "why" that didn't actually feel like they fit. Like, I could say "they hurt me because they're cruel and like being cruel" but that doesn't mean anything to me. Even if this were true (and I do not feel it is), why me and why in the ways they did? Why do they like being cruel? Why are these the mannerisms that have manifested? People do things for reasons, trends, emotions, so on. Yeah, I got hurt, but the pain doesn't have to be forever if I can understand it and work through it. It's a pretty huge thing too, getting sued, all that stuff with Marl. I don't have to choose to forgive Marl or Glip (I actually don't want to ever interact with Marl again… I get panic feelings sometimes at imagining that he's actually secretly still keeping tabs on me or something?), but I did want to at least try talking to Glip again because they at least could provide answers and closure for me if they did care.

I wanted to believe that people can change. A lot of my life has involved pain without closure and without change. There are things that occurred to me from family that I don't feel I can ever really talk about with who it occurred and so I'll never really know why it played out that way. There are a lot of painful things that feel "stuck" in me, that I wish weren't.

I guess, after years of stress between PK and I, I wanted to try to see if this was pain that could actually get worked through. To quote the PMD-E Albums page on my site:

"These songs were done for Purplekecleon's old pmd-e group, but we no longer associate with each other anymore and no longer will.

Edit: How do I begin to talk about this? Well, there were a lot of pains and misunderstandings that occurred, that led to the previous writing above. GlitchedPuppet (their new alias) and I have been spending years working out what occurred and why, and what has hurt both of us. It's been a lot of effort on both of our parts, but we've been doing our best to address how we hurt each other, and so I do not feel that "No longer associate with each other anymore and no longer will" is applicable anymore.

I missed them a lot. I'm glad we're talking again and trying to work things through. Resolution is possible if both parties are willing to be open, and that's something I had trouble believing in ever since I was a kid. I'm glad I can believe it now, even if I struggle still."

I do want to believe resolution is possible. I want to believe that and feel it's true. I've often encountered other parties not wanting to resolve things, or being stuck in pain in a way where they don't realize that that is coloring how they take my words (and vice versa of course, where I would be mired in pain and think everyone is out to hurt me or lying or etc)

I don't want to believe that pain has to be permanent. I believe that emotional pain comes from care/meaning being dismissed or ignored. Marl hurt me a lot by steamrolling by my discomfort about bestiality, he hurt me a lot by not listening to any time I brought up pain (he did try sometimes, but the other times don't go away because he never really wanted to be accountable for that, such as his shitty apology in 2018 where he acted like I Totally Consented to Everything Ever and didn't care)

I felt really ignored and erased by PK The meaning and care I had put into them as their friend had been treated like it didn't exist. I did that too, in my post about them (erasing any times they may have cared about me, because I believed they hadn't thanks to Marl saying that they didn't)

But… I think if pain can be worked through, that meaning can come back too? I think that that is what healing means to me. Meaning doesn't always have to be lost forever Sometimes things that are broken can become more meaningful when repaired too, like a doll that loses it's arm but you sew it a new one? It becomes more personalized

Both parties have to want to though, so for example, I don't think I want to really ever talk to Marl again

What Marl did to me and what PK did… They're separate. PK's tried to learn from what they've done. As far as I know, Marl just ran away and found someone new.

Glip did defend Marl a lot, bought into his lies that he didn't hurt others the way he hurt them, but that's still different to me than… actually doing what Marl did? And then running away from it all? Marl deleted his telegrams and such so Glip couldn't have logs, it just kind of sucks

I'm derailing, sorry

"Why go to those servers?” This feels complicated to answer There were a lot of factors, one of which was… I had a lot of second hand stories about the servers, but a lot of details I was told would contradict logs I wanted to understand what was going on and also… It felt like it would be nice to be able to care about Flora in a way that was more involved? I had been planned to help with Flora before when I knew PK during PMD-E, so it hurt a lot that they cut me out then instantly worked on Flora without me

I really had liked working with PK before and I had been suffering with my own work, specifically because of a lot of broken expectations laid onto me by others It felt like it would be a nice place to… rewind almost? PMD-E had been nice when it wasn't uh… Well, sometimes people wouldn't listen to Glip or me and hurt me I remember Mike was really weird to me and jealous (then I found out he was shitty to a friend of a friend, and using them for porn so that sucked)

I trust PK, I don't really know many others. I have friends but I am pretty distant overall because of how much I tend to be dealing with. Currently, one friend put a boundary on me til November because of how I had hurt him, another one I asked him not to talk to me until I had more of a focus on what I wanted to talk about since I want to work through some pain I have relating to him, another one, I have a hard time really talking closely to even if she cares because she has trouble sharing her feelings, and so on

There are not a lot of places I could choose to just hang out in, nor a lot of people to talk to frequently

It's really difficult for me to make new friends or keep up with connections, I burn out on social interaction easily because I don't know when I'm going to mess up and not be told, it feels like constantly putting a ton of effort into something that others I guess just… do more naturally?

It felt like… Well… I've already been exceedingly hurtful to Glip and them to me, and we were working it out together … So I can trust that if I do something stupid or mess up, they'd be willing to talk about it instead of acting like everything was fine and then hurting me later

They had also wanted me to … Actually this memory is foggy, but I feel like PK also wanted me to be in the servers since they felt it would be nice, but I can't remember why

I guess, Flora felt like something where it is easier for me to understand. I can ask PK about the story, the characters, etc, I can try to understand or help around (I made a Uniqorn ref sheet that should go up some time (maybe it already is up? IDK)), so it feels like… having something to focus on where I can compare and contrast how I feel about my work or other social interactions vs how I feel being in the servers

I can end up trying to figure out where my feelings are coming from and why

I don't understand how to be social in other spaces, and honestly I am not particularly highly social in the Flora servers either? Or, at least what I think it means to be social? I do talk sometimes, I would try to sometimes talk to people in the vent channels, I have tried to bring up pain or talked to others, but I don't… feel like… I have really been a staple there? Maybe I'm downplaying myself? I see others talk about their life more openly and be really warm, I'm not entirely sure how often I've done that…

I'm not sure if this makes a lot of sense, it's really hard to summarize, since it took me years to even want to go on the server let alone actually be there? I was really scared of that at first, I told PK a lot that I didn't know how to trust their friends of their fans

When I first went there, Nystre actually hurt me (I had mentioned Nystre had "kicked my ass", which was not kicking me from the server, it meant that I was hurt), Nystre had tried to cross IC interactions with OOC ones, and it was really stressful for me, it made me feel like PK had invited me to RP to hurt me? But PK stayed around for hours after to talk to me about that and help me out

So, it's not like it's been easy really, but I guess most things are not very easy I'm kind of tired from trying to write this so I'm going to take a break and get back to this later.

Okay, it's later.

I suppose more context for my emotional shifts through the years and events, since the above was more of a summary…

I felt a lot of pain from not understanding what had happened between Glip and I I tend to feel pain when I don't understand why things turned out the way they did, in general not just in this situation If I don't understand why something occurred, I cannot prevent it or learn from the situation, and I become stuck on feeling like I might get hurt in weird ways for reasons that feel random (which actually ties to PTSD I have from my homelife, which I'll try not to get into too much since I think people have already shown they do not feel my homelife is very relevant in trying to answer things? I don't know)

So… A convention going poorly leading to being cut out and people I thought were friends now seemingly hating me didn't make a lot of sense to me and hurt a lot Almost a year later, Marl started to contact me again in private and I had not realized he had hurt me yet, because he discredited my feelings as not really mattering

As in, when I brought up how I felt pain over animals being used sexually he just tried to talk over me and normalize it more, which made me feel like I was being unreasonable and my feelings had no real place , which I was susceptible to because of previous abuse and also my homelife

Marl had told me Glip didn't care and moved on, but I didn't realize he had said this in an attempt to make me "feel better" about him wanting to bone me (I brought up that PK was still mad at me, and that it would not be good for us to engage)

This led to me reframing everything as PK never having cared (because I couldn't understand how PK could have not cared and moved on so quickly (which, again, was not true, it was what Marl had said and I trusted him unfortunately), so the only thing that made 'sense' given the information I had was that PK had NEVER cared) and led to me posting my post/callout

So, for a long time I was under the impression that PK had never cared and had hated me, which made things really painful and confusing

It made none of our past interactions make any sense, and it made me feel like "Even if I trust someone to care, they're actually lying. People are capable of lying in ways that feel extremely real and have no signs of being different from actual care."

My trust was essentially broken in really specific ways. This was also after PK had supported me after an abusive relationship and after college had really fucked me up. So it felt like someone who had put a lot of care into me, had only done it to manipulate me. It made it really difficult to feel like I could… believe in care? At all? If I thought I felt care and I didn't, and it was actually all manipulation, then how do I know I won't think I'm cared about and get hurt later? It made everything impossible really

Yeah, I could have just said "PK really was just abusive and horrible to me" and left it at that but… this never fully… felt like a satisfactory answer?

Honestly, I feel like talking about Dangan Ronpa V3 right now, because there's a really good example in that game of information that is sort of forced to make sense and it KIND OF makes sense until you get the full picture later? But those are spoilers and probably not apt for a response where I'm trying to sort of be succinct… I'm very bad at this.

Anyway, it didn't feel "correct" because there was no real "motive" for PK to manipulate me in the way that had fallen into place in my head, and there were other pieces of information that never also fell into place, such as me telling Marl a bunch of stuff that he claimed he told PK which he actually didn't. It felt like … Information was specifically inserted or removed in ways that made things worse Like, Marl pushing both PK and I to confess each other at the first convention, because if we were in a relationship then it would be easier for Marl to try to get with me, and convince me to do things with animals and then push PK into trying again

I mean, when Marl tried to apologize to me after the callout, he basically admitted he tried gaslighting me because it "worked" on Glip? Like, I really cannot overstate how much of a hand Marl had in ways that were invisible because he would isolate people or lie to them You don't have to believe me, but I am just trying to express the information as I've lived through it and felt it

Anyway, people don't just do horrible things for no reason. Even if the reason isn't a "good" one, there is a reason

I tried to understand for a long time, though I don't know if others consider that relevant? I feel it is though, because the question is about why I tried to reconnect, and it might seem to others like me trying to reconnect was out of nowhere, but if you consider my past feelings and actions, they're all aligned even if I acted pained or hateful at times?

I tried to talk to others who were hurt, though not at first because I just tried to not focus on things… Which was hard, because PK was really popular, so I'd come across their art a lot

Then, over the years, I got some people who tried to use me to validate their pain when it turned out they were actually really harmful and upset that Glip had stopped allowing the harm? Or even, Glip wasn't actually the focus at all, they just got upset at someone near or around Glip?

I recall one anon, even before my post about PK, that started talking to me about how PK and some other person were essentially evil succubuses and- well I still have the asks

Sorry this might seem like a weird detour, but I don't have a lot of proof that I did get weird messages for years, so I want to try to provide some context

Like, this anon talked about Glip but then took a hard-right into someone else and their own history that I have no idea about, in these ways that felt unsafe for me to encourage, and when I didn't actually agree, they instantly acted like I was brainwashed?

They said, July 12th, 2014

"I thought you should know what happened to you with Purplekecleon isn't a one time thing. She's been teaming up with other, horrible people like her and ruining people's lives. She has been promoting people telling lies openly about relationships for revenge. It's a sad ordeal, and unfortunate that you were blindsided by someone like her. I'm glad to see you made it out safely."

I don't think I have my reply posts anymore? But I said something like feeling sympathy for them in some way since… Yeah, I was hurt by PK but I also didn't know this person. I think I wanted to hear them out maybe? I didn't want to just discredit them instantly?

Their replies became… About the other person? Like, whoever this anon got hurt by? Which, I couldn't really comment on because it doesn't feel like … Well… I don't know. It honestly felt like I was absolutely not getting the whole story IDK if maybe some of their asks didn't send, but it was literally this abrupt? Like, this is not about PK anymore…????

"And then suddenly everything is backward. Suddenly you can see it in her eye, you can taste it on the edges of the text she flippantly types. She never cared at all, she was using you. You had real feelings and now it is apparent that she was just twisting them around… The kind of hatred and selfish arrogance that she uses as she berates you in front of everyone suddenly, without warning… As your world tears apart, your precious reality shatters…" "And violent… Viciously you understand now that she only wants people who are just like her, she only wants people to be obedient and repeat her words, she can't stand anyone feeling anything other than just for her. So much so that she will spark hatred against you for the tiniest offense… And from there you start to question your own self, start to feel like you are the villain… That she makes you out to be. Everyone's faces contorted viciously flaring in your direction, poison…"

"I start to wonder if there is a point to me at all… If what I once thought was so pure, so full of life… Turned out to be a scoprion's sting. I hardly want to wake up anymore. I go to sleep wishing I never open my eyes again. I am starting to forget what happiness felt like. There were people who defended me, who stood by me at first… But they all left…. They could see they were on a loosing side… the side of truth and real love… Not something so fake and so appealing… So popular.."

"That is my story… And it may end soon. Here is the tumblr page that she and her gang created out of lies to destroy a life… attack-of-anon-shit they make it out to look like the one only seeking understanding and defending against lies… Are somehow wrong and evil, just for not being to her standards… I tried so hard to please her, I did… I tried so hard because I cared, I cared!!!! Even if she was wrong I still cared about her…. But she… Never cared. The lies are horrible."

"One last note… Their group uses private chats to organize attacks against people… They create elaborate plans to defeat their "enemies," calling it "war games against abusers." They call us abusers! Us! We only ever FELT, we ony ever CARED. I am not perfect! I never will be! It's not good enough!!!!!! I have nothing… Goodbye…" (Note, again: I did not know this anon, so being lumped in with them felt REALLY weird like, "they call US abusers…!" What? I dunno, reading this still feels weird.)

"One… LAST note. I never meant to hurt anyone by "not accepting" gender nuetrality… I just wanted to enforce that being a girl is okay! Because I saw….. so much hurt in those people like Estioarem who couldn't identify as a girl anymore because of all the abuse she went through….. it's okay to be who you are…. You don't have to make things up or lie to make yoursel feel better…. I want a world where everyone is just…. Happy for once… Goodbye, I hope you have a good life."

I don't recall my reply, but it was probably not a very enabling one? I didn't really like how they spoke really, especially with acting like they're on the same situation as me when I don't know them and they don't know me… I also didn't agree with how they talked about gender, sometimes "being who you are" can involve transitioning to express how you feel, and I would have been feeling pain from that anyway since part of what hurt me from Marl was how he said Trans Guys Were Exotic and Hot and Like Girls but Not, or whatever

So I wrote some kind of reply (I wrote replies without responding to the anon directly, just writing a post on tumblr instead)

They then sent this: "You're just like the rest of them. You have been corrupted as well. I don't care anymore, I honestly don't. I hate you all. I hope you all pay one day for what you've done."

So uh… You can imagine if I get a lot of messages like this… It could kind of mess with me

I tried to take people seriously, but if I didn't instantly agree with them, they'd flip on me? Even if I just wasn't really understanding but wanted to try to… So after a while, I kind of just tried to listen and agree a lot and ignoring whatever feelings I had about my own experiences

I shouldn't have done that, I feel like I just allowed myself to get hurt more, and probably others to get hurt too I did sometimes try to share my feelings, but it… It's hard when it feels like no one wants to hear them Which I guess is why I am so wordy now, I try to include my feelings more

The point is that I was trying to understand, get a fuller picture, talk to others, try to process my pain, but I also got a lot of side noise that made it hard to really understand what was up or down and got used to others not listening to me

This also meant I leaked a lot of pain and hateful sentiments onto my friends too, like, there were at time friends of mine, one in particular, who thought I should email PK and try to talk things out more, not just seethe and feel like I can do nothing but stay in my pain, but… man it was complicated Sorry, this might not feel "satisfactory", but it is the truth I didn't really know how to just feel like I could talk about things even if I wanted to

So instead, I talked to others who would "listen" to my pain but in a way that felt really… I guess closed? I don't know That's not even bringing up the people who thought I was lying and the death threats, like if I went to a furry con I would end up violated and dead and the police would never catch them or something (which was kind of weird, because PK wasn't even a fan of furry cons and furry culture when I knew them? So it felt like, people would try to 'protect' PK by hurting me?) and not bringing up the times where PK and their friends DID actually say mean things about me, like laugh at my pain in the past before I wrote stuff them

I don't mean to say EVERYONE was like that though, I need to be careful not to just focus on the negatives entirely even if a big part of that was negative There were those with a lot of genuine pain that I did later try to talk to PK about, I did try to take many seriously, I remember talking to people about Marl and it was just… sad Marl would say a lot of things just to get what he wanted, he'd say one thing to me, but then to others he would say something else I don't really want to share more there though, because that's up to those people to share their experiences relating to Marl more.. I don't want to share things that aren't mine to share… Bigfluff was really hurt by Lain having shared their logs without permission

As years went on, I could see that things were really really complicated actually… I was still talking to my therapist about my feelings, and getting a lot of other things going on in my life, and I couldn't really understand like… Why PK seemed to be defending Marl so hard

I got really hurt being worried that PK actually was in on it with Marl I also started to feel like my experiences with Marl weren't real. Even if I had the logs, I felt like "maybe this wasn't as bad as I had thought"

In 2016, I tried to reconnect with PK because Smellestine was pushing that I should try to remove the callout I had felt like I wanted to, but I was scared of -- oh fuck I should talk about writing the callout I did say that I posted it because of Marl saying PK didn't care but… My feeling with writing it was trying to force PK to acknowledge that they hurt me, and my core reason was wanting an apology from it

Which is kind of insane now that I think about it… Forcing a big public spectacle felt like the only option I had if Marl claimed PK didn't care, because then emails wouldnt have done anything. Like, it felt like direct talking was no longer an option, and since Glip had put their post about me first and publicly, then my response to their post should be public too I was afraid of Eevee destroying my post if it wasn't "air tight" (which it wasn't honestly anyway) so I put effort into trying to place my concerns as "objectively" as I could, because I felt like ultimately, I wanted my feelings to be known

The hostility and anger in my post came from a place of thinking there was never any care for my feelings, so I was… I guess trying to force "hey how I was treated was Objectively wrong" but I didn't have a full understanding of the situation? and misremembered parts?

PK had thought that I didn't care too, cuz they thought I had blocked them on skype? But I was just appear offline, and taking time from talking, but was talking to Marl in the meantime, so PK thought I blocked them but still talked to Marl (which made them feel kinda crazy, since they had a lot of unspoken Marl pain and if I blocked them but talked to Marl, then it would have felt like I was saying Marl was better than them… Part of their own feelings for writing the post about me that led to my reply post a year later was attempting to get me away from Marl in an equally aggressive and indirect way, like my callout was an aggressive and indirect way to try to get an apology. Neither of us were particularly good at being direct or 'healthy' in feelings considering we were both abused and had broken home lives)

It's kind of honestly like both of us pingponging pain back and forth instead of talking about it cuz neither of us thought we would listen, lol…

Lawsuit happened- oh thats right, you said I outed Marl but I didn't An anon told me Marl was into bestiality and I said that I had experienced that too, I think and that I would post about it if I had to? Something like that? This made Marl go nuts and he sent me a bunch of messages trying to apologize and also humble-threaten me

Marl claimed he hadn't had anything to do with the lawsuit, claimed Lain was lying, etc etc Sorry, going over this feels difficult, it feels like a blur because honestly I felt like such a half-person until like… 2021, so last year

Umm… right, outing Marl I didn't do that, I didn't post logs until some time way later In 2018, Lain posted Bigfluff's logs with Marl

Truthfully, it doesn't feel like many people believed me-- oh right Smellestine She recommended I take the callout down in 2016, which I also wanted to do because I was living in fear of the lawsuit and I didn't feel like… the post I made did much to further my understanding really. (The lawsuit was filed incorrectly which would have meant I did not have to pay or go to court, but they could refile it (correctly this time) if they thought about it again, so I tried to be as unobtrusive as possible Removing the post would cause waves I would not be able to predict)

I tried to talk to Smellestine about Marl and she essentially said she didn't know who he was and that he was unrelated, which also made me feel like … Well, I tried to talk to her so she could understand why I was scared of taking my post down, and she kept reframing the lawsuit as a totally rational thing and that I was wholly in the wrong, so I tried to ask if she wouldn't share what I was about to say (relating to Marl, since I was scared of him by this point) so that I could explain that the lawsuit was DIRECTLY related to Marl trying to protect himself So me saying "Truthfully, it doesn't feel like many people believed me", this is one of those examples. She basically acted like he was unrelated (or, it felt this way) and then also admitted she told someone about what I said (IDK who) and so I felt like… "well… I'm going to get hurt if I don't talk to PK now anyway, because Smellestine talked to someone she claimed could know about the situation (something like this? might be wrong) about what I was sharing with her, even though I was scared of Marl, so maybe Marl might learn I was talking about him and I'm going to get hurt about the lawsuit and--" etc

I thought Smellestine was PK's friend but it turned out PK didn't know her very well? I don't really know why she decided to do this then, and actually apparently Eevee thought Smellestine was my friend? I was trying to be friends with her and I drew a guest comic for her, but it did end up feeling like she only cared about the callout post coming down since she didn't really talk to me afterwards

This becomes relevant for later, in April 2018, where I replied to tweets she made about how things between PK and I were a misunderstanding It felt like she was using my experiences without considering how I would feel, so I felt very hurt I mentioned having logs against Marl if they tried to hurt me again, and I did come off really abrasively I DMed her and we took our tweets down

Uhhh continuting talking about 2016, trying to figure out relevant feelings is hard

I felt like my feelings didn't matter, Smellestine basically said I had to be the bigger man and just apologize and take the post down or something, that it was unrealistic to expect an apology or understanding from Glip at all, to focus on just ending the problems I caused using callout culture, etc It also felt like I had to do this REALLY QUICKLY cuz I stopped replying to her like for two or three days (because I was emailing PK) and she sent a message like "Hey, I know you've seen these messages, I thought you had the strength of character to do this. Putting things off forever is bad." It felt kind of guilt trippy (not sure if she intended this, it’s just how it felt), and made me feel bad I did appreciate she was trying to help the situation, but I had already felt like she wasn't going to listen to me considering it didn't feel like she listened to what I said about Marl

So, I went into e-mailing PK in 2016 with a deep feeling of 'I guess it has to be this way'… But PK didn't apparently ask Smellestine to do that or anything? So it's just… weird I guess

People tended to talk to me sometimes like they knew the best thing for my situation, so I guess this was one of those times?

Emails with PK started off really rough but then my friend suggested I tell them I had never blocked them on Skype and I did that (I thought it wouldn't do anything but he was right and it mattered)

PK opened up more and realized I hadn't actually not cared back then, and we talked a bit on feelings, but I was still really anxious and things didn't feel like they fit into place yet I brought up Marl, that I wanted to talk about how he had hurt me

PK was receptive and wanted to listen, but this was during the 2016 election, and the result actually hurt them a lot because of their mom abusing their little brother (or something like that) over it? I don't recall this information well So, PK didn't reply to me for a while (I was waiting for them to reply before I shared my experiences with Marl) and I admittedly got impatient I don't think that I had known stuff was going on very much on their end at the time, so I just felt like they were just placating me somehow, and I said it was probably better not to worry about the Marl stuff I was also kind of scared since around that time in 2016, he was still around, so I was scared he might see what I was writing

I honestly regret that a lot, though I don't know what would have happened if I had tried to talk about Marl earlier It just makes me sad

I was trying to connect and understand, but things were always… so complicated. People were still talking to me about Glip being mean or this or that about me (turned out some of the stuff that people thought was about me, WASN'T about me? So I basically got a huge amount of pain based on the assumptions strangers made and then messaged me with…)

In 2018, Lain posted Bigfluff's logs and I did feel… validated somewhat It felt like… "this is proof that my logs AREN'T crazy?" I also felt… I don't know That feels like a blur too Bigfluff's logs had been around the time that I had known Marl too? Or earlier or later? Around there, 2012-2013 or something if I remember correctly?… So it felt like… Well, it felt like Marl had told me how he was so secretive and trying to trust me with his Shameful Feelings about his kinks (which then became Real Life Animal Stuff), Marl had been 'vulnerable' with me and made a big point that he trusted me or something And that was what made me feel like I couldn't talk about what he was saying to me, cuz he discredited my feelings but then I wanted to not hurt him… And then with BF's logs, it felt like "Oh Marl was lying. He was talking to others about this WHILE he spoke to me about this or at least really closely."

It honestly still makes my heart feel cold

It felt like he snagged me on trying to care about him without caring about my own feelings because he expressed being isolated and sad and sooo guilty, and then it was just ALL lies

It felt difficult, I found myself hoping that PK would just instantly drop Marl now that this came to light, but that didn't happen I didn't understand why at first, since I had known Marl was shitty for a long time, though more thoughts on that later

Marl posted his apology which felt shitty since he mentioned me as though consenting all the time if I recall correctly, but I literally told him that I felt super bad about animal and human stuff, I posted those logs already

I felt like… pain I guess. It felt like Marl saying what sounded best and ignoring my feelings AGAIN especially cuz he told me about real shit he did that he then said was all fake in his "apology"

I feel like he didn't expect anyone to reply to him I wanted to but I… I don't remember why I didn't I guess feelings inertia? Not feeling safe like I can talk about it? It made me angry and sad

Anyway, I thought more on why PK had taken so long to just… get away from Marl when they had been hurt by him I thought about how even after PK and I didn't talk in 2013, I thought Marl was nice cuz my feelings didn't matter and weren't relevant, so I couldn't register that he had hurt me since… Feeling hurt is a feeling

Honestly, that feels related to why replying feels difficult at times? It feels like 'my feelings are not considered relevant to most of the askers here, when feelings are always relevant… When I start to think my feelings aren't relevant, I get abused/used (like I did with Marl) or I hurt others from not noticing their feelings (my callout where I thought PK had never cared about me). Feelings matter and I cannot figure out how to talk in a way that still shares the information I feel if I try to remove feelings entirely.'

I kind of… I guess, I can relate to abuse making me not consider my feelings and making me blind to seeing someone hurting me? Currently, I feel like i can try to share my feelings and they are heard at times, it's why I'm trying to share them now, but back then it was very… different Marl especially just didn't… listen I'm sure there were times he tried to, but he just… really had such a habit of overwriting what he didn't want to hear without giving his own feelings People's feelings should be able to be discussed and coexist… I dunno

Ah, side tracked

PK being stuck would make sense to me especially from PK being abused since they were a kid, and Marl took them away from their abusive home

So, relying on the Marl that "cared" (took them from their abusive home) without being able to focus on the Marl was was uncaring and causing harm because he just lied all the time and made the focus how crazy PK was Like, he told me himself that their feelings were just crazy? But then he was trying to tell me to just acquiesce to them all the time too? Like not talk about my feelings, just listen to them? That sometimes it's just "unfair" But PK didn't even want that??? The last Skype convo I had before they made their post about me and I got kicked out was like… We both agreed that if we were in a relationship that I shouldn't be the only one to change? Which is what Marl wanted!!! Marl wanted me to be the one to change around PK?

So it started to make more sense to me if PK took some time after April 2018 to leave Marl, if they had trouble for years til then to see that Marl had actually lied and the extent that he lied

He would act like PK was crazy for thinking ever that he could be into animals still, and guilt trip super hard? I dunno, learning more about him really connected dots for me

In 2019, PK made a comic with remnant feelings about me, and I emailed them because I felt… Well, I was angry at first, I talked to King about that and worked my feelings out a bit more I realized PK was still in pain from things, and… I mean, even if PK genuinely did not care about me, I did not like hurting them There were things that genuinely felt like I had not wanted to hurt them at the time, though honestly it's pretty foggy too… I'd have to reread that comic and remember, and I've already been spending hours writing this

Even if someone's hurt me, I try to generally not want to hurt them In the past I felt like if someone is "bad" enough, they deserve to be hurt, but that only… hurt me too? Cuz then if I ever made mistakes, I'd be scared of getting hurt. I would be scared of being an irredeemable person (which was also related to pain from PMD-E, because I hurt PK and got cast out and I didn't understand how or why that had happened) Like, i could become the person who was "bad enough" to deserve to be hurt, even if I genuinely just didn't understand things So I just felt like…

I don't want to hurt others in ways that are careless, and if I had, I want to try to at least apologize/clear misconceptions if I know about it I did understand that there was a chance PK didn't want to talk to me though, but they had (as far as I was aware) not said they never wanted to speak to me again or put a boundary on me, so I did it anyway because it felt like we had never fully… gone through things thoroughly? We tried to in 2016, but.. I dunno

I guess my email in 2019 was a delayed response after so many years of finally going "I think I'm able to try to talk about this and also I still want to talk about Marl and understand what happened here. Even if it goes poorly, I did give it my shot."

We talked and it was really slow going I cycled between feeling a lot of pain and distrust because I had thought Glip had hated me and was lying to me at points? We spent a lot of time NOT talking, like in 2019 there were periods of months between responses because we were both struggling with getting our emotional understanding of each other up to date. They were scared of me and I was scared of them

Sometime around then or maybe 2020 is when they wrote their apology doc and their doc about their experiences, and I posted my marl logs I honestly don't remember exact dates very well I remember they felt sad and scared because they felt no one would really believe them or care? I tried to encourage them-- Oh this would have been around the time I was asking about what people were upset about on KF maybe…

Talked to Bigfluff, Lain, Hare, some others… I don't know how they feel because I haven't been in contact for a while. I tried to be fair to different feelings at play, which was honestly hard and I flubbed a lot I struggled with… At one point Hare had made remarks that felt to PK like belittling that they had felt suicidal over how Hare had treated them? Something like that? It made me sad My ex before I met PK had laughed at me when I had felt suicidal so it felt… pretty bad

It was kind of a difficult time because I felt like torn between trusting them and feeling like they'd hurt me randomly (because the stuff in 2013 felt random to me still to some degree), so I'd oscillate between wanting things to be okay and wanting to not engage or being afraid and having trouble balancing what others were trying to talk to me about and what PK had been saying

In 2021, in february we had an RP thing where they pretended to be how they were in 2013, our last skype convo, and I could try to talk to them and be angry and stuff I recognized that I was scared of being angry at them or having feelings of disagreement with them, so they agreed to do this RP thing, so it was like… I guess kind of trying to face that fear head on? What is the worse the ghost of 2013 PK could do to me?

That actually helped a lot To feel "PK can be mad at me and it won't be the end of the world"

The other thing that helped a lot was them talking to me that they hadn't actually hated me. I had been reading their engagement with secret hatred in it for a long time, but… when I removed that and tried to trust that hatred wasn't there, everything made a lot more sense

We also did an RP where I pretended to be super upset with them and they talked about it too, so kind of working through our feelings of what we're afraid of from each other and why

I had talked to my therapist through all of this, she recently talked to PK too, and felt pretty happy for this progress

The feeling of… pain not having to be forever, being able to heal and work through things and learn… It's a nice feeling I do think it is real based on my experiences and everything I've seen and been through

You don't have to believe me of course It would be nice if others could understand this, I think being able to sense change and resolution is possible is a really important feeling, but I don't really want to 'convince' anyone of this

I wanted to reply with my feelings and thoughts, and maybe it'll make sense, maybe it won't

I'm really sleepy again, it's kind of hard to try to recap so much I don't really know how much use writing all of this is, but I hope it answered your questions KF user Thanks for trying to follow my logic/feelings

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backalley-requests · 4 years ago

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The Proposal | Chapter Seven

The Proposal Masterlist

Summary: Proposal au, where Ivar gets swept away in a lie about a fake engagement to stay in the country and needs to convince everyone (including his family) that he’s genuinely engaged to a woman he works with

Warnings: mild swearing (I think)

Word Count: 3,022

“I was thinking,” Aslaug began. Most of the family was seated at a large table, breakfast on display and on their plates. “Me and Ragnar have talked it over, and we agree it’s in everyone’s best interest to have the wedding here,” she grinned.

The bacon in your hand never reached your open mouth as your eyebrows raised in confusion. Now? It felt entirely too soon, you looked at Ivar. He was seated next to you and appeared uneasy.

“Just think about it. Ivar, this is the first time you’ve come home in seven years. Who knows when’s the next time we’ll have an opportunity like this? And most of our family is here for your father’s birthday. He said he was more than on board with the idea.” Aslaug seemed so excited.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to have a wedding. You already knew you would, but having it so soon made the whole thing more real. It used to be an abstract concept and now was a lot more.... here. “I think we’d have to talk about it,” Ivar replied cautiously.

Up until now it was mostly just playing pretend. You knew what you signed up for but this hit different. “But maybe?” You offered to soften the blow. Your leg bounced nervously under the table, and you found that your appetite was gone.

“I’ll let you two talk it over,” Aslaug decided with a nod of her head. “But it just makes sense. And it’d be a pity if I couldn’t be there for it.”

—

“We have to do it at some point, right?” You brought up when you entered the room again. You two were doing this. A lot was on the line. “Your family would hate if they weren’t there,” you bit your lower lip.

“Did you want to do it here then?”

Doing it here would make it feel more real. “I expected to get court papers and go back to my apartment and not notice a difference.” A wedding was something much more official.

Ivar nodded his head. “I’m okay with doing it now. The work will be done for us, mor has been dying to set up a wedding for a while.”

Were you okay with it? “Sure,” you nodded your head. “Maybe it’s better to just rip the bandaid off.” You shook your hands and limbs to get the nervous feeling out of you. Your stomach was twisted in all sorts of knots. Why was it so nerve wrecking now?

“You don’t have to describe our wedding as painful,” Ivar rolled his eyes.

“I’m just nervous!” You shot back quickly. Maybe part of it was that you still had the interviewer left, you forgot about him most of the time. Or maybe it was that you weren’t sure you had done enough yet.

“It’ll be a few hours of your life and we can just go back to our respective lives. Go back to normal.”

That was it. You didn’t like the idea of that. Before you came here it was easy to get the papers and pretend it didn’t happen. “You’re right, back to normal.” He would just be your boss you were legally married to. Tentative friendship aside, you couldn’t imagine going out for coffee with him. Once you two didn’t have to pretend anymore you just… wouldn’t.

“So then let’s just say yes?”

You nodded your head. “It’ll be kinda fun to dress up,” you laughed.

—

One agreement after another, neither you were sure you were entirely comfortable with. Why didn’t you say no earlier? That it was happening too fast, or that you didn’t love lying to his family.

There wasn’t a high stakes excuse, he just seemed like he wanted it and for whatever reason you agreed. But the sooner you ran through the wedding the sooner it would be over.

“Are you alright, dear,” Aslaug asked you in town. She had taken you there along with a woman named Torvi. She was married to Ubbe, as far as you could recall.

“I’m good! Just nervous,” you replied with an awkward laugh. A woman was gathering your measurements, an act that already lent itself to making one feel self conscious. You also didn’t really know anyone you were with.

Ivar wasn’t allowed inside, maybe that was for the best. Aslaug said something about it being bad luck and you didn’t bother fighting it. “Don’t be. It gets easier with each wedding, but everyone's a little nervous,” Torvi tried to calm you down. “People won’t gossip for years about if you tripped over your dress, or if your makeup was off, or if the dress didn’t match your—“ her listing things off that you never considered only increased your fears and Aslaug noticed.

“Torvi, dear, I think you’re making things worse.”

“I’m fine,” you insisted.

“All that really matters is what Ivar thinks of you. You don’t really know anyone else there, and therefore their opinions of you don’t matter,” Aslaug countered.

Torvi nodded her head. “And if he wants to marry you then you must be special. Especially after what happened with—“ Once again, Aslaug made the girl stop talking with a quick wack to her arm. “I’m just saying he’s clearly head over heels. He won’t sweat the small details.”

“What happened with who?” Curiosity was piqued. Ivar didn’t delve into personal details. It made sense, you two were hardly friends at best, but that didn’t make you any less curious. “Sorry— he just doesn’t talk about Denmark often.”

Aslaug and Torvi looked between each other for a moment until Aslaug sighed and threw her hands in the air. “Fine. But I don’t want to be here for it. It just makes me angry.” She walked out of the room and left you standing with Torvi.

“Ivar was in one other serious relationship I can recall. Sure, I think he had some affairs with a few girls but nothing real until Freydis. Nothing after her either, until you,” Torvi nodded her head.

You were changing in between suggested dresses, attempting new styles at an incredibly slow pace. Torch helped carry the weight of some dresses and zipped up the back every time. “What happened to her then?”

“Well she was beautiful and kind. He was madly in love. I’ve never seen him so love sick.”

There was no comfort that he had looked at you like that— not that you should’ve expected that. You shook her head back to reality as fast as you could. Of course Ivar looked at someone he actually loved differently than someone who just worked for him.

“Anyways, he had a whole proposal planned out. She turned him down and didn’t give a real reason why. We didn’t find out for a while,” Torvi admitted. “I think it was because she didn’t qualify for a US visa. Ivar was willing to drop his dreams of New York for her and she didn’t seem okay with that, something about not wanting him to change his entire life for her.”

You were silent the whole time. You never saw Ivar date people. You’d have known if he had in the last three years. It made sense why any short term flings didn’t last.

Torvi laced together a dress. “I wasn’t sure he’d recover— until you. So all’s well that ends well, right?” She leaned over your shoulder and grinned at you. “I wouldn’t worry too much about her. Aslaug just resents Freydis for breaking his heart. But I haven’t even seen her around here in years. She’s hardly a boogeyman.”

Why did that bother you so much? If Ivar was secretly in love with some other woman the entire time it shouldn’t matter. She turned him down anyways. But it did bother you. Ivar didn’t mention his past and you had to wonder if Freydis was why.

“I think this dress looks lovely by the way,” Torvi complimented.

—

The day just seemed so fast. Nothing was seemingly capable of slowing down information as it was thrown at you. It didn’t seem to get any better when you finally left the store, a dress sent in for alterations, to find Ivar at the nearby cafe you left him at talking to someone you haven't seen before.

“Ivar!” You smiled. Aslaug and Torvi had shooed you away while they worked on ‘something’. You heard through their whispers it had to do with a bachelorette party. The idea wasn’t exactly fun but they were too nice to turn town, so you already knew you’d agree with whatever they had to say.

You glanced over at the woman, she was beautiful and maybe that was why you felt the strong urge to sit incredibly close to Ivar. “Y/N, this is an old friend of mine, Freydis.” That made things instantly worse. The warm smile on your face turned cold.

“Hi, I’m Y/N,” you extended your hand to shake hers. Even her hand was soft and warm. You turned your head to face Ivar, seeing an urge to do something.

What if Ivar realized he didn’t need to return to the US if Freydis was here. You could go to prison, or lose your job at best. The man needed his priorities straight. Oh— who were you kidding! Freydis hadn’t even done anything other than show up today and now.

They spoke in Danish, only occasionally letting you into the conversation. You understood fragments of it. They were talking about their time at university, growing up together, when they dated. You were ignored and isolated from their chats and it bothered you.

Maybe you wouldn’t have cared at all if Torvi didn’t ignite a fear that Ivar was still in love with her. But he was already so much more animated and kind to her than he usually was with you.

“We’re being a bit rude to your girlfriend, aren’t we?” Freydis brought it up at some point, speaking in English for your sake.

“It’s fine,” you smiled awkwardly, waving it off.

“She’s not really my girlfriend,” Ivar admitted. “It’s complicated. She’s just a good friend. She’s helping me stay in America and get my citizenship official.”

You froze, every muscle in your body tensing up at once. Freydis laughed at the absurdity of it. “Then you must be incredibly kind as you are beautiful to deal with him. Ivar certainly has a knack for the dramatics, doesn’t he,” she smiled at you.

You took a deep breath and smiled back. “He also seems to have a habit of bad judgement calls. Ivar— I don’t care if she knows but the point of a secret is not sharing it where anyone can hear. Your mom and Torvi are in the same district right now. What if they were behind us?” You snapped.

Ivar frowned his eyebrows at you, “It’s not a big deal. Freydis wouldn’t share it and they aren’t here. Do you honestly think I’d be that reckless?”

“If I can’t share it with anyone how come you get to without discussing it,” you demanded. It bothered you. A lot. “We’re supposed to be a team.”

Freydis shifted uncomfortably, “I think this is my cue to go. Obviously things are a little tense. Look, I promise you two that I won’t go around sharing this.” She stood up and collected her things.

“I think that’s a good idea. You’re fine, Freydis. My issue is with my not-boyfriend,” you admitted, anger evident in your tone.

“Good luck with the wedding,” Freydis waved before leaving. Her walk was a little faster than a normal one.

“What the hell was that,” Ivar demanded the moment Freydis was out of ear shot. He turned to face you and it was the first time he looked at you since you showed up. His eyes were intense and narrowed in anger.

Your jaw tightened, “I should be asking you the same question. Why were you even talking to her? Let alone telling her our entire plan. You realize that I go to prison if it gets out, right? You can stay here and live out your perfect fantasy but I rot in a cell!” You stood up and wanted to leave.

“I’m not going to blow anything up! Freydis won’t tell. We’ll get married as we planned, divorced in three years. No one gets hurt.”

But you already were. And you couldn’t identify why.

“Oh and who’s gonna believe that we’re a real couple getting married if they just see something like that! You ignored me the entire time just to stare at her perfectly symmetrical face!”

Ivar’s face went from anger to confusion for a moment. “No one saw it. I’m not bringing her to my home or reintroducing her. It was one interaction. What’s wrong with me wanting to see an old friend.”

“But she’s not just your friend, right,” you reminded him.

Ivar froze and hesitated to respond for a moment. “How do you know that?”

You tried to calm down but you could feel yourself spiraling. “Torvi told me about her at the dress fitting. Everything she knew.” You bit your bottom lip, Ivar remained silent. “I’m your fiancée! Okay? So just— just stop looking at her!” You didn’t understand why it bothered you so much. You hoped it was just for appearances. “I just need this to go well. We’re supposed to be working together. That wasn’t together.”

“What happened to wanting to not argue,” Ivar challenged. “And over her? I haven’t seen Freydis in a long time. It’s not like I’m proposing to her.” Tears threatened to leave your eyes and Ivar’s face fell. “Whoa— hey, Y/N. It’s okay. I didn’t do anything. I don’t love her, I was just catching up. I didn’t think it would matter so much.”

You didn’t either. “Maybe.” You didn’t really have a right to care beyond him telling Freydis who you actually were. And if you were being honest that isn’t what you really minded. “I don’t know why it does. Things are just happening fast. I keep losing control over my life right now.”

Ivar wasn’t good at trying to comfort people, he awkwardly placed a hand on your shoulder and patted it. “You should’ve said something. I would’ve tried to help.”

You laughed softly and shook your head. “Yesterday you told me that you would've helped me if I asked for it.”

Ivar rolled his eyes, “well I lied. You should be used to that by now.”

“I don’t like her,” you admitted, “she’s way too nice.” There was nothing genuine to hate her for. She didn’t step on your toes or was rude. “I can’t even imagine you dating her. She doesn’t look like she could bite back.”

Ivar found it a little amusing. “I didn’t usually bite at her to begin with. Not that you’d know. Torvi shouldn’t have said anything. It wasn’t her place— and nor was it mine to tell Freydis the truth.”

“At least you admit it.” So what gripe could you have left?

“Were you jealous,” Ivar asked suddenly.

“No!” Your face got red at the idea. “Of course not. How could I be jealous of that?” Were you jealous?

“Okay,” he nodded his head. “Then I’ll just put this out there. As friends. I’m choosing to marry you. Not her, you. If I wanted to have married Freydis I would’ve.”

For some reason the words calmed you down a bit more. “Not that you could’ve, she's way too beautiful for you.” You found yourself easily relaxing into petty insults.

“You’re just jealous she’s better looking than you.” He knew a new way to get under your skin and didn’t hesitate to take a shot at you.

Your face fell.

“Just because I made a poor choice in who I choose to marry doesn’t it isn’t true. It’s my legs that are broken, not my eyes.”

“You are so mean!” Your voice filled with a bit of dramatic hurt.

“You insulted me first. And if I’m being honest, I’ve been incredibly patient with you today. So I deserved to say it. You went off on me for no reason. If you were anyone else I would’ve said something to actually hurt you,” Ivar replied. “Like how you have no family. Or you’re only so jealous because no one’s ever truly loved you the way you believe I love her— something to that effect.”

That’s when it occurred to you that Ivar didn’t respond like he normally would. Like he used to. He tolerated your display of anger and worked with you rather than get defensive and attack in any meaningful way.

“This is the part where you apologize,” Ivar nodded to you. “Or at least thank me.”

You didn’t want to. “You’re right,” you sighed. “Thanks.”

Ivar shrugged, “you’ve tolerated me when I’ve gotten angry over nothing. I figured I’d return the favor.” He took a moment before deciding to share more. “I broke up with her, by the way. Before I left. I decided that being here and knowing her was all I knew. I haven’t loved her for a long time. I certainly wouldn’t lose my job over her.”

Your eyes locked with his. “Torvi made it sound like—“

“None of them know. That’s why you don’t rely on rumors, Y/N. You could’ve just asked.” He didn’t seem to mind it. “You went off the rails today,” Ivar sipped his coffee and he eyed you. He was calm about it too. As if he didn’t mind this simple truth.

“I’m sorry.” It all seemed really dumb right now. “You’re right. It’s just all been… a lot. Things are moving fast. I thought you were just another thing running ahead of me.”

“You’re supposed to be the one keeping me in check,” Ivar teased. “It’s strange being the sane one for once.”

You rolled your eyes, “I slipped up once. Don't expect it to happen again.”

But that didn't solve the nagging in the back of your mind. Why was that the final straw?

—

taglist** @youbloodymadgenius @heavenly1927 @momowhoo

#ivar x reader #ivar the boneless #ivar the boneless x reader #vikings #the proposal #it’s late but shhhh #I’ve been busy

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wefoundloveunderthelight · 4 years ago

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Love, War, and Books by GleefullyCaptainSwan

Chapter 3/3 Notes:

Thank you so much for reading and going along on this journey. This 3 chapter AU took me more time to write than any of my other fics, I really stepped outside my comfort zone with this as I prefer to write original stories and struggled with an AU based on something everyone knows and loves. I haven't liked every word, but I grew to love the tale and I hope you did too.

Read on AO3: | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

Or on FF

Stacy's Tortured Crew: @teamhook @kmomof4 @stahlop @lfh1226-linda @ilovemesomekillianjones @itsfabianadocarmo @mariakov81 @qualitycoffeethings @zaharadessert @jrob64 @jonesfandomfanatic @natascha-ronin @tiganasummertree @xarandomdreamx @therooksshiningknight @batana54 @superchocovian @onceratheart18 @ultraluckycatnd @snowbellewells @karlyfr13s @the-darkdragonfly

Chapter 3: The Book of You

“Well now that you’ve put her out of business, I wonder if she would come work for me? She’d be an excellent children’s book editor.”

Killian made a snorting sound, “I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t work for anyone associated with me.”

“I think I’m going to offer her a job anyway.”

“She wouldn’t be good for you; she lacks that killer instinct you like in your employees. What is it you always say, never apologize as long as you win?”

“Like you’re one to talk, you’re just as insensitive as I am, I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation.” She complained, punching the button on the elevator to their floor. “The only reason I have the chance to hire her is because you put her out of business.” She narrowed her eyes. “Who’s insensitive now?”

Killian internally groaned, watching the numbers on the elevator move slowly as Milah droned on beside him. Emma would never work for someone like her, she could never be as cutthroat as he had seen Milah behave. She wasn’t like her, or for that matter, him. Emma was a rare breed.

The elevator jerked violently to pull him from his thoughts, lights flickering on and off as it came to a shuddering halt.

“What the hell!” Milah yelled as the other occupants in the elevator began tapping on the buttons.

“I’m sure it’s just a technical issue.” He offered reassuringly. Milah pulled out her phone, dialing and waiting impatiently for someone to answer. He leaned against the wall, smiling at the woman with her young daughter. “They’ll get us out shortly, no need to worry.”

“No one is answering, how incompetent do you have to be to not know how to pick up a phone?”

“Milah, it’s possible there was an electrical outage that affected more than us, I’m sure the phone lines are busy.”

“I’ll be putting in my complaint to the city.” She squealed and Killian pushed himself down toward the floor, sitting on the ground and removing his jacket.

“I’m sure they’ll be awaiting your call with bated breath.” He grumbled to himself. “Shouldn’t be long, someone will come and get us out.” He announced to the group. “Might as well get comfortable.”

Three hours later and Milah was testing his nerves. He had expected her complaints to die down once the air in the elevator had gotten thicker and harder to take breaths, but it seemed to only intensify her anger.

“When I get out of here, I’m going to call my daughter and apologize. I haven’t spoken to her in 3 weeks, and I don’t even remember what we were fighting about.” The man beside him spoke to no one in particular. Killian smiled at the man; it was a lovely sentiment.

“When I get out of here, I’m going to apply for that job I’ve been scared to be rejected from. Even if I don’t get it, at least I will have tried.”

Milah jumped in, “When I get out of here, I’m going to get Botox.” She announced, staring at herself in her hand mirror and pulling at her skin. Killian rolled his eyes. He knew exactly what he was going to do when he got out of here.

“When I get out of here…” He began.

“Do you have my gum?” Milah interrupted and Killian exhaled, reaching into his jacket beside him to pull out his gum and toss it toward her. The moment was gone, but the second he left the elevator he did exactly what the moment called for. He told Milah it was over between them.

She barely gave up a fight, as he gathered his items, promising to return to pick up the rest of his stuff, and taking Smee out the door with him. Killian didn’t care, he was just happy he could stop pretending. He realized in that elevator that his and Milah’s relationship had always been pretend. He dated her because it was the next logical step in their relationship, they moved in together because that’s what you do when you’ve been dating for as long as they had. She was in the book business, she had contacts that he used selfishly for his own business, and beyond that they had nothing else in common with each other. It was over before it had even begun.

Killian sat down in front of his computer, he wanted to talk to Emma. She was the first person he thought about when faced with what he was going to do once he left that elevator. He needed to come clean to Emma, tell her who he was. But he knew that once he did that, it was all over. She would never speak to him again. But maybe, maybe if she got to know the real him, the real Killian Jones, maybe he wouldn’t lose her.

JR10: Tonight, I got in the elevator, something I do every day. Three hours later I got out of the elevator and Smee and I moved out of my shared apartment. It was like the smoke had cleared and everything just made sense to me. It’s a long story, full of all those little details we don’t share about ourselves, maybe one day we will.

~*~

Emma stared at the screen in front of her. He had been living with someone. She couldn’t be angry; she had been doing the same. She understood how he was feeling though, the smoke clearing. It was exactly how she felt with August. Like the world just opened to her and suddenly she got tired of playing the game. She just wanted to be happy and clearly she hadn’t been.

Lonelygirl: Change is a funny thing isn’t it? It’s like dominoes. One little thing changes and suddenly there is this chain reaction and when you look up everything around you has changed. Six months ago, when I met you online, I knew exactly who I was, what my life was going to look like, and where I would be for the rest of my life. Now I know nothing. My store closed this week. I haven’t told you I owned a store, but I did. It was a beautiful little bookstore that my mother had when she was alive. And maybe I held onto it so fiercely because it was my way of keeping her alive, but either way, it closed and I’m heartbroken. It’s like my mother has died all over again and there’s nothing anyone can do to make it right.

Emma walked down the street, looking up to see the Jones Books logo staring down at her, mocking her. She bit her lip and walked up to the door, yanking it open forcefully as if somehow her strength was going to topple the entire building to the ground.

She marveled at the size of the inside, stairs leading to a second and third floor, lights hanging in every corner, large comfortable chairs full of patrons sitting together, reading books. The place was full, she’d never seen so many people in a such a large space before. The registers were full of customers purchasing armfuls of books. She climbed the stairs slowly, stopping when she saw the children’s section.

It was a marvel, bright, colorful, with stuffed animals lying around for children to play with. She sat down on a large bean bag, tears falling softly down her face.

“Do you have the shoe books?” A woman asked one of the employees standing a few feet away from her.

“Shoe books? Who’s the author?” Emma rolled her eyes.

“I don’t know the author, my friend just told me that I need to find the shoe books.”

“Neal Streatfeild. The author is Neal Streatfeild, he wrote all the shoe books.” She announced to the pair as the tears started to come faster. “I’d start with skating shoes, though ballet shoes are just as beautiful.” She said with a snort, looking up to see them staring at her with a tentative look of concern. She wiped her nose with her sleeve and stood up, quickly exiting the building.

~*~

Killian stared at his computer. Sadness overtaking him at her words. He really was the bad guy.

“Cora and I are over.” Killian looked up at his dad.

“So soon, you just got engaged.”

“She was dating the nanny.”

He burst into laughter. “Well, that makes up for you leaving Kristen for the nanny.”

“No, Kristen was the nanny, I was with Kelly at the time.”

“Ah, so many, I lose track.”

Killian turned his attention back to his computer.

JR10: I’m so sorry about your store. I don’t know what else to say that doesn’t sound trite and inconsiderate. I hope that you will be alright.

He sent the message, but he felt sick inside.

“How’s the store? Business must be booming, and I heard that the children’s book lady finally closed.” His father poured himself a drink. “You met her; do you think she would date me?”

His father handed him a glass and Killian sighed. “On to the next, I guess.” He said with a shrug.

“Father and son, back together again.”

Killian could hardly believe that as much as he tried to not be like his father, here he was living on his boat, parked on the slip right next to where his father was currently hiding out in his. Father and son, indeed.

The next few days he went in search of a new apartment, checked in with Belle at the store, and waited anxiously for a reply from Lonelygirl. When he had heard no response from her after a week, he decided to reach out again.

JR10: Why haven’t you written back? Are you alright?

When Emma didn’t reply, he walked to the store, checking in to make sure that everything was going as expected for the new store. Business had taken off in the past week, Belle had made a very important hire, bringing in Will Scarlett from The Golden Swan to run the children’s book section.

After Killian had observed Emma in his store, listened as his employee was unable to assist a customer, he challenged Belle with the task of bringing in the best department head she could find for the children’s section. Will may not have seemed like the best option for customer services with his dry wit, his sour attitude, or his arrogant behavior, but when it came to children, the man turned into a new person. He told stories, acted out the parts, played the different voices, and children flocked to him. He was a rare find in their world.

When he returned home later that evening, he found a new message from Emma.

Lonelygirl: I’m sick. I can’t stop sneezing, my ears are clogged, my nose is blocked. I feel terrible. I haven’t left my bed in days. The worst part is that all I can do now is sit here and think about my life. Who am I kidding? What life? What am I going to do now?

Killian groaned, if he felt worse before he felt terrible now. He had ruined this woman’s life. And now here she was feeling like she had no future. He caused that. She was a bright woman with a bright future, and he needed her to know that too.

He jumped up from his chair, rushing out the door.

Ten minutes later he was standing in front of the brick apartment, staring up at the windows above him. This was a risk, but he needed to take it.

~*~

Emma lay in bed, sneezing for yet the fifteenth time that hour. She felt terrible. She closed her eyes, trying to find sleep when the buzzing forced her eyes open. “Oh God, not now.” She groaned, pulling herself up from her bed and stumbling through the apartment. The sound buzzed again, and she put her hands to her ears. “Please stop doing that.” She moaned. Pressing the button to the intercom.

“Go away.” She yelled into the box.

“Hi, Hello. This is Killian Jones.”

Emma stood back from the door like it shocked her. What the hell was he doing at her apartment?

“Go away.” She repeated. She had no idea what that asshole was doing at her apartment but whatever it was, it wasn’t a concern of hers.

“Can I come up?”

“No that’s a terrible idea. I’m sick, I haven’t been sleeping, I might be contagious so I would really appreciate it if you…”

There was a loud knock on the door she was currently leaning against. She jumped at the sound. “Hello?”

Emma stood back from the door. Killian Jones was standing outside her apartment. She looked around the room, scattered used tissue paper littering every surface, blankets draping the floor and chairs. She ran around the room, gathering items in her arms, tossing garbage away as fast as she could.

“Emma?” She heard his voice on the other side of the door. She looked down at the pajamas she was in and looked around anxiously for anything to cover herself up with. Reaching for the closest item she could find she wrapped the long coat around her and tightened the belt before reaching for the door.

Opening the door, she came face to face with her worst enemy, holding a bundle of flowers. “Why are you here?”

“I heard you were sick, I wanted to check on you.”

Emma stared at him, open mouthed. This was a new development, she didn’t think empathy was a trait of his. “You put me out of business. Are you here to gloat or offer me a job?”

“I wouldn’t think of it.” He announced, stepping into her apartment, and slipping past her into her living room.

“Hey!” She said, spinning around and following him. “I’ll have you know, I already got offered a job by your girlfriend.”

“Ex-girlfriend actually.” He offered and Emma narrowed her eyes in his direction.

“Oh, what happened?”

“We broke up.”

“Oh, that’s terrible you two seemed perfect for each other.” She slapped her hand over her mouth. She did it again. Said something really awful just to hurt someone. That wasn’t who she was. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I said that it was really mean. I’m not like that, but every time I’m around you…”

“I know, the words just fly out of your mouth.” He offered with a laugh.

“Yes actually, but I’m sorry. Thank you for coming. But I think you should leave.” She opened the door and tapped her foot.

“I brought you flowers.” He said instead of walking out the opened door. He held them toward her, a beautiful array of snowbells. “Do you have a vase?” He turned and walked back through her house, wandering off toward the kitchen.

“Where are you going?” She argued, chasing him through the house.

“They need water, you should sit down, you’re sick.” Emma stared at him dumbfounded. What the hell was this man doing here? She sat down lazily onto her couch, staring toward the kitchen to see if she could see the man who was currently invading her life. He stuck his head out of the kitchen doorway, “Did you know that Will came to work for me? He’s a great kid. He’s the one who told me you were feeling sick. Did you know he has a PHD in children’s literature?”

Emma nodded absentmindedly and mumbled to herself. “Of course, I knew that.”

He returned to the room with the flowers and Emma smiled at the large bouquet of beautiful buds that almost lit up the room. “When did you break up?”

“What?”

“With your girlfriend, when did you break up?”

He put the flowers down, quietly speaking. “A couple of weeks ago.”

“Everyone is breaking up recently. This other person I know broke up with his girlfriend in an elevator. Or outside one or near it, something. It was stuck. And then everything was clear.” She said, her mind hazy. “When I saw you that night, at the restaurant, he’s the one I was waiting for and I was…”

“Enchanting.” He said almost reverently which caused Emma to snort.

“I was not enchanting, I was mean, you said it yourself.”

“Well, you looked enchanting” He said, before turning back to the kitchen and rummaging through her cabinets. “Tea?”

Emma nodded, “Top cabinet on the left.” She mumbled, blowing her nose into the tissue in her lap.

“Well, I was upset that night. And I was really rude.”

“I was the rude one, love.” He replied, handing her a cup.

“Yes, but I have no excuse.” She grabbed the flowers, the tea, and her blanket and walked toward her bedroom.

He followed her, “Whereas I am a horrible human being and thus have no excuse but to be rude. Correct?”

“No that’s not what I meant.” She said before sneezing violently. “I’m done being a mean person, even to you.” She crawled into her bed.

“But I put you out of business. You’re allowed to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you.” She sighed.

“But you’ll never forgive me.” He added with an almost sincere expression on his face, to the point that Emma almost believed that he felt sorry for ruining her life. She knew that was ridiculous because Killian Jones was a ruthless businessman, he wasn’t sorry for doing his job.

“You don’t care if you get my forgiveness or not.”

“It wasn’t personal.” He said softly.

“It was business.” She laughed. “What does that even mean? I’m so sick of it. All it means is that it wasn’t personal to you, but it was personal to me. What’s wrong with personal?”

“Nothing.” He added seriously.

“Exactly, if anything, it should at least start as being personal.” Emma shook her head, “My head is fuzzy, I need to go to bed.” She crawled into her blankets. “Why are you here again?”

“I thought maybe we could be friends.”

“You are crazy.” She laughed.

“I know, I guess it was too much to expect. Can I ask you something?”

“Well, you’re here aren’t you.”

“What happened with that guy from the Café?”

Emma’s shoulders sagged. “Nothing.”

“But you’re crazy about him?” He asked, a look of hope in his eyes she didn’t understand.

“I am.”

“Then why don’t you run off with him? Start a new life with this lucky man.”

Emma frowned. She knew she was about to sound completely stupid. “I don’t actually know him.” He smiled at her, and Emma was waiting for the retort. “We met…” Don’t tell him Emma. “You are going to think this is ridiculous.”

“You met him online.”

Her eyes widened. “Yes.”

He pulled the blankets up to her chest, a move that suddenly felt very personal and warm. “Well, I’m happy for you both. But I think maybe you should meet him, love.”

She laughed nervously, “I don’t think I need to take advice from someone who…”

His hand slipped against her lips, and they immediately tingled from his touch. “I’ll save you from saying something else you’ll regret.” His thumb grazed her bottom lip as he pulled it away. “Get better, Emma.”

She stared at him dumbfounded. “Uh huh.”

He smiled, his blue eyes shining down at her and causing her stomach to make unexpected flips. What was happening to her? It must be the medication.

“Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.” She repeated as she watched him retreat from her apartment and shut the door.

~*~

Killian couldn’t stop thinking about Emma as the days went by. He had almost given up hope that his words to her at her apartment had fallen on deaf ears when he got the message two days later.

Lonelygirl: I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I think maybe we should meet.

He smiled. Now he just needed to work on his relationship with her. Get her to know the real Killian Jones before he told her he was JR10.

JR10: Of course, we will meet, but right now I’m in the middle of a project that needs…tweaking.”

It’s showtime.

He left the house ten minutes early, taking the route that would get him to Starbucks. He stood in line, keeping his distance from the blonde woman at the front of the line. When she turned to face him, his mouth dropped in fake surprise.

“Emma?”

Emma stopped, “Killian?”

“How funny running into you here. Do you come here often?”

“Just every morning.” She laughed. “What are you doing here?”

“Weird, I come here every day too. Funny how we’ve never run into each other before. You look like you’re feeling better.”

She smiled. “Yes, much, thank you. Well, I should…”

He nodded, “Yes of course, nice seeing you.”

He ordered his drink and walked slowly past the table she was sitting at. Looking around he mumbled to himself. “It’s always so busy in here. Nowhere to sit.” Looking down he made eye contact with Emma and she sighed.

“Do you want to sit down?”

“Yes, thank you. How have you been?”

“Great.” She said shortly. “I’ve started writing a book.”

“That’s wonderful news. How’s that fellow of yours? Have you met him yet?”

She looked down at her newspaper. “No.”

“No? What’s stopping you?”

She exhaled loudly. “He said he’s working on a project that needs tweaking.”

“Tweaking? What does that even mean?” He paused. “I bet he’s married.”

Her mouth dropped. “No, that’s not possible.”

“Have you asked him?”

“Of course not, how do you just ask someone if they’re married?”

“Pretty sure you say, are you married?” He laughed.

When he got home that evening, he found a message from Emma that made him smile.

Lonelygirl: I’ve been meaning to ask, are you married?

JR10: How could you ask me that? I thought we knew each other better than that. Wait, are your friends telling you that I’m probably married?”

That evening, after conveniently running into Emma at her favorite diner, he casually brought up her internet friend.

“So, he didn’t answer the question?”

Emma paused and then put her hand to her mouth. “I guess he didn’t, did he?”

“Maybe he’s fat.”

“Killian!” She exclaimed. “I don’t care about that.”

“You don’t care that maybe he’s horribly disfigured or walks with a limp. Maybe he spits when he talks.”

“I highly doubt that.” She snorted.

“Why else would he be taking so long to meet you? Maybe he’s…” He opened his mouth and then closed it.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Killian, what?”

“What if he’s waiting until he gets out of prison.”

“Oh stop. Will already thought he was a murderer.”

“What’s his username?”

“I’m not going to tell you his username.”

“It might help tell who he is.”

“Fine, JR10.”

“What kind of a name is that?” He huffed.

“Maybe it’s his initials.” She offered.

“Or how many tons he weighs. Just Round 10 tons.” He teased and she burst into laughter. “Or how old he is! Maybe you found a technological genius who is 10 years old.”

“Could be an address or a location…” She laughed. “No that would be stupid.” Killian tried not to choke on his coffee. “Either way, it doesn’t matter. I mean besides being married or in prison, the only other deal breaker is the boat thing.”

“Boat thing?” He inquired.

“I could never be with a man who has a boat.” She said simply.

“I have a boat.” He said, his tone serious. “So that settles it.” She looked at him with confusion. “We’ll never be together.” He met her gaze, not breaking the contact.

“So, what is the book about?” He asked, changing the subject.

“It’s a children’s book, I know this editor from the store who wants to read it as soon as I’m done writing it. You know, JR10, he was the one who really made me think about writing.”

“You mean Mister 10 felonies committed before age 24?” he teased.

“More like Mister 10 ways into my soul.” She said almost lovingly, and he felt the desire to reach across the table and kiss her. “It’s weird how much we’ve been running into each other lately.”

“Wanna run into each other say, tomorrow, round lunch time?”

“Sounds great.” She said with a genuine smile.

Killian thought about Emma his entire walk home. The way her hair glowed bright with the sun shining on her, or how her eyes were the perfect shade of green. It was becoming harder to fight the urge to kiss her each time he saw here. He needed to tell her who he was, soon.

JR10: How about meeting me tomorrow? 4pm. The park on 88th. Where the flowers bloom in the garden and the path curves. You’ll find me there.

~*~

Emma stared at her computer. She was finally going to meet him. A part of her was excited, the other part of her was feeling something else that she couldn’t put her finger on. She’d been focused so much on meeting this man but between those moments she had formed something of a friendship with Killian Jones. It was a friendship that somehow she had learned to value.

He had offered her advice on her book, some to talk to about JR10, and in the times when they were together, a companionship that she had been missing. It was like he understood her better than anyone she had ever known before.

They were meeting for hot dogs for lunch, she was happy for the distraction from her nerves of meeting JR10later that evening. Killian would know the right thing to say to her to calm her down and prepare her for this meeting.

“Today?”

“I know right? This afternoon.”

“That’s very exciting, I bet he’s the clock maker on 82nd. You’ll never need to have your clock fixed again.”

“Stop. That guys like a hundred years old.”

His mouth grew wide. “That’s it, he’s 10 centuries old.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “You’re ridiculous.” She bit into her hot dog, ignoring the way he was watching her. Lately he had been looking at her with a feeling that was almost akin to want. Which was ridiculous but also gave her butterflies for some reason.

“He was smart. He waited until you were certain there was no other man in your life that you could love.” She glanced at him and nodded but then he set his hot dog down and stared at her, his blue eyes glistening in the sunlight. “Sometimes I wonder…”

“What?” She asked anxiously, feeling like whatever he was about to say was important.

“If I wasn’t Jones Books, and you weren’t The Golden Swan, and we met…”

“Don’t do that.” She interrupted.

“I would have asked for your number, and I wouldn’t have waited until I got home to call you. I would have asked you out for drinks, dinner, and your every desire, for as long as we both shall live.”

“Killian.” She warned.

“And then we wouldn’t have gone to war, and I wouldn’t have put you out of business.”

“Killian, please don’t.” Her heart was pounding in her chest.

“Can I ask you something?”

“I need to go.” She couldn’t be standing here listening to Killian saying these words to her, not now, not when she was finally getting to meet the man of her dreams.

“How come you can forgive him for standing you up, but you can’t forgive me for this tiny little thing of putting you out of business.” He reached out, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Oh, how I wish you would.”

“I need to go.”

“You don’t want to be late.”

She turned away from him quickly, practically running down the sidewalk to put space between them. She needed to stop herself from turning around and kissing him.

Fleeing the scene, she returned to her home to prepare for her date with JR10, ignoring the sinking feeling in her stomach.

Stepping out onto her sidewalk, she practically skipped to the park, she was about to meet the man of her dreams, the man who knew her better than she knew herself. Her soulmate.

She arrived early, taking her time to wander through the park, admiring the flowers, trying to embrace the nervous feelings currently building in her stomach. She stood on the path, where the curve bent around the park, adjusting her dress nervously.

“Smee.” She turned quickly, looking in the direction of the voice. A dog came bounding toward her, his leash dragging behind the pup. She bent down to pet the runaway dog when he came into view. She knew it, it was the only thing that made sense. It had to be him. He was her soulmate.

She stood up as he approached her, tears slipping from her eyes. Before she could react, he wrapped his arms around her, and she melted into his chest. “Don’t cry lonelygirl.”

She looked up into his eyes. “I wanted it to be you. I wanted it so badly.” He smiled and her heart melted as his lips touched hers.

Two lonely souls, Emma and Killian, had found love in the middle of a war over books.

#love war and books #stacy's fics #killian jones #emma swan #captain swan #captain swan fics #captain swan au #captain swan modern au

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aaviav · 4 years ago

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🎄HAPPY HOLIDAYS, GUYS!! 🎄 2020 was quite a year for everyone, man. i'm so glad i decided to rejoin tumblr and because of that, i got to meet some super cool people. and i drew a fair amount of handsome 2D boys!! things slowed down in the last few months but i hope i'll learn to juggle uni and personal drawing better soon. fingers crossed 🤞

there was this post where people mentioned the ones they’re thankful for in 2020 and well... i thought it’d be nice to give a couple of shoutouts myself. “you”, you ask, “the one who is terrible at words and also expressing their feelings?” yes, absolutely. (also aaa thank u to @/otonymous @/scummy-writes for tagging me back then ; ; )

TIME TO TEST THE LIMITS OF HOW MANY PEOPLE I CAN TAG?

@op-peccatori nanaaaaaaaaaa ;__; 💖 i'm so so glad i got to start talking to you this past year. i feel like we can relate on a lot of things, and somehow a few short sentences always evolve into walls of text???? like. bruh. how. 💀 💀 i know i take a while to respond sometimes but getting to read your replies is a joy every time. hope you're doing ok and please give Theo lots of kisses from me HAHA 💖

@beni-draw-ikemen-please BENIIII you're The Sweetest Ever™ 🥺 i mean it!! you're also so genuine and v v fun to talk to, i hope we get to do that more often in the future! ; v ; thank you for sharing your thirst and wonderful art with us all. ALSO ALSO: don't forget to take care of yourself. OR ELSE 😤 sending lots of virtual hugs your way! 💖 💖

@scummy-writes we're both shy beans but whenever i see you around or on on the occasional messages to eachother, you're The Sweetest Ever™ #2 🥺 for 2021 (and beyond) i wish you more confidence in yourself and your writing, because you're amazing! sometimes u just gotta channel ur inner Shea LaBeouf and Just Do It! i believe in u!!!! 💖

@littlegrrl7 hi! i appreciate you and the things you make!!! a lot!!!! you're a fic writing machine, haha. yours were the first longfics that i read and honestly, your writing is so engaging in that you keep it interesting and it's also fun and easy to read and with a healthy dose of smut cough cough. thank you for sharing! 🥰

@dear-mrs-otome Mrs O! i might or might not have been slightly intimidated at first hahah orz ANYWAY our Best Boi venn diagram might have the thinnest overlap ever but thank you for the support all the same, and i'll also always BE thankful for Drained Dry which feels like a sorta ikevamp themed discord home for me 🥺 🥺

@maanawa HELLO U!! thank u for becoming my first penpal in years!! 🥰 for some reason u always seem like such a unique person to me?? if u put a gun to my head and asked why, i wouldn't be able to answer bc i have no idea, but like. i mean it in the best way 0: 👌

@hideoutpastel HI PASTEL, i'm glad i get to interact with u a bit more bc of twitter! u are a delight!! 😤 also i think u already know but like. ur art is so ✨ sparkly ✨ and bright and beautiful ok. kthx #bless

@yenanng i might not always reply or interact, but seeing your twt updates is somehow v cool haha. i hope you get to rest and work on personal art soon! i'm cheering u on!!! \o/ 💖

@nan-chi @weird-profiterole HI HI! 🥰 we haven't talked to eachoter much but you guys seem super genuine and fun, i hope we get to interact more in the future!! also your art is so cute i cri 😭💖

@mikotomizuki LEO HOES UNITE 🤝 🤝 thank you for being hilarious and bringing your tiddy memes everywhere you go LMAO. let's keep our fingers crossed for more amazing Leo content in 2021 🤞💖

@pseudofaux you are delightful!! thank you for all the support always. you're an angel and we don't deserve you 😭💖 (also hello ur writing skills? y e s)

@pickle-scribbles Faa, I LIVE FOR YOUR THIRST COMMENTS. SERIOUSLY HAHA. and i die bc of your masterful smut 😭 just,, thank you 🥺💖

@otonymous i've probably mentioned this before but your fics were one of the first ones i read when i got back into tumblr, and honestly? what an amazing author to start with. #thepowerofthirst 💀 i kinda stopped consuming MLQC content so i haven't kept up w everything you put out but i know that you're still AMAZING and also so funny and just. 10/10 man

@tacogawa @savourthelittlethings u guys are just. so cool!!!!! that's all thank u for coming to my ted talk 🥰

@akirafanarts hi!! i haven’t forgotten u!! hope you’ve been doing ok!! 💖

@meowlayn-art you are v sweet! your art is gorgeous! and your OCs are amazing!! 🥺 i'm cheering for you! 💖

@incorrect-ikevamp-quotes a lil random but like. thank you for your insights on a bunch of idiots under one roof aka the ikevamp boys!! 💖 and also for the Top Notch 11/10 memes. bless 🙏 🙏

special shout out to everyone on Drained Dry that i haven't yet mentioned, u guys are v cool ; v ; 💖

and lastly, thank you to everyone who liked, reblogged or interacted with my posts or just took a second to appreciate my art, really. drawing 2D boys is a joy, and i'm glad if it brings even the tiniest bit of happiness into other people's lives too! you guys are the best 💖💖💖

#YELLS #sorry for the wall of text............#it's 3am guys pls forgive me if i don't make sense #do i feel like i forgot someone? oh absolutely #FINGERS CROSSED THAT EVERYONE GOT TAGGED PROPERLY ;__;#i hope everyone reading this enjoyed their holidays ; v ;#ily guys #non art

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msilwrites · 3 years ago

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(A 3AM Update) A True Gentleman, Chapter 21 - A jealous husband?

A/N: Chapter 21 is up! Isaac confronts Diana, like a jealous husband! By the way, Henry, Diana's cousin face claim is 'Henry Cavill', and Sam McLean's face claim is Sam Heughan.

Oh, before I forget, if you don't like the story, please do move on to others, the internet has lots of them. Please don't hurt writers, ya? Good! so without further ado...

TWENTY-ONE

A jealous husband

"Diana!" her cousin, Henry approaches her. "That was a stellar performance!" he compliments.

Every time Henry and she are seen together, people often mistake them for siblings. The blue cold eyes, thick eyebrows, strong jawline, and dark hair were the signature that belonged to their family.

"Thank you, Henry!" was her grateful reply. "But I know why you are here for, go and lead the way!" she says, as he leads her to where her father sat. She knew what Henry approached her for. It was time for her father's interrogation and lengthy sermon.

Francis watched Henry, followed by Diana, approaching him where he sat.

"Relax Uncle..." Henry says, as he taps his uncle's shoulder, telling him to listen instead of scolding Diana. He then walks away to give the two space.

He took a deep breath before turning to his daughter. " Why don't you take a seat..." he offers, patting the empty space beside him, which she took.

"First of all, why are you singing at a wedding?" he tried to sound calm instead of being confrontational.

" I was trying to earn money to buy a 3D Printer," was her direct answer.

" Why?"

"I'm trying to build a small workshop studio, and I need a 3d printer..."

"Oh..." Francis was taken aback, he didn't expect his daughter to have such plans. "But what happened to the money you got from the sale of your old penthouse with Jesse?"

"That, I'm keeping it to the side. I plan to use it to buy real estate and most probably have the place rented for passive income. If not, I'll turn it into the workshop studio. I planned to save money, but I think I'd earn more if I were to rent the place out."

His eyes widened in disbelief, was this still the same Diana whom he met a few weeks ago? No! This Diana has ambition, plans and direction. She was actively taking charge of her life. "Wow! I did not expect that... That is actually a good plan"

Diana smiled and just nodded.

"Do you need help?" he offers, sincerely this time, without a hint of being condescending.

"Maybe? From time to time, Thank you! Da!" Diana says gratefully. "Your advice and input would be helpful from time to time" she adds.

"That was a stellar performance by the way!" Francis complements his daughter. " Those wedding songs reminds me of a time when I was..." he said trying to find the word.

"Hopeful? Yes, I did feel the same..." she admits to her father.

Francis sighs. " You know, I really did love your mother. It may have not gone well for the both of us, but not once did I regret loving her,"

Diana looks at her father, surprised at his sudden confession. Not once did her father open up to her about this issue.

"Why?!"

"Why what?"

"Da! She hurt you!" she exclaims.

"Yes, she did... and I may have done things that I shouldn't have, but what happened to us in the past, is what makes us who we are now. We grow and become wiser,"

"I guess you do have a good point..." she agrees. It made her think about her past abusive relationships, and what it thought her. Though it was terrible, it made her learn and it made her wiser.

"So how did you exactly end up here?"

"That's a really long story..."

" We have a lot of time,"

She began her story (omitting some parts of course) and told him about the music director Aedan looking for an alto-soprano which led her to where she is now.

"I see... I am glad you're able to use your classical training, anyways, when is the date of your performance?" he inquired.

"Why?"

"I want to see it of course!" he declares.

**********

"I see trees of green. Red roses too, I see them bloom. For me and you. And I think to myself, What a wonderful world..." Diana opens the dance floor for everyone, with the song 'What a wonderful world'. The strings followed, in harmony with her voice.

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Couples, young and old, approached the dance floor and began dancing to the sweet tune.

The night was about to end, and she was grateful that her performance went well. Hopefully, she would also perform well with the orchestra at the outdoor theatre.

"I see friends shaking hands, saying how do you do They're really saying I love you..."

She scanned the area and saw her cousin, Henry, being surrounded by girls. She stopped her from rolling her eyes, knowing that he was a known ladies man, even since they were young. On one side was her father who seemed to be enjoying himself, chatting with others. The atmosphere felt jolly that she swore she'd try to catch up with Henry or talk some more with her father after finishing the song.

"I hear babies cry. I watch them grow. They'll learn much more than I'll ever know. And I think to myself... What a wonderful world Yes, I think to myself... What a wonderful world. Ooh, yes I think to myself... What a wonderful world..." and with the last verse, Diana closes the song and the audience applauded. She smiled and thought, that it was still somehow a wonderful world despite everything she had gone through, there was still things she was thankful for.

With a sigh, she gives a toast to the newly married couple, and then turned to the quintet and thanked them, which gained her another set of 'Thank you's coming from them.

She looks around and found the bar, wanting a cold drink, preferably a beer. It's been weeks since she had anything cold and gassy. It wouldn't hurt from time to time to have an ice-cold beer after a long day of singing.

Wasting no time, she requested a pint of ice-cold craft beer on tap from the bar-tender, and he quickly poured her one large pint, its surface bubbling.

"Good job out there, you earned it, enjoy!" the bartender says, before moving to other requests.

"Thanks!" was her response.

She looked around trying to find Henry or her father in the crowd, whilst drinking her glass. However, before she could even make a move. Her father had already gone up to the podium, about to start his 'godfather' speech and before she could even look for Henry, a handsome guy had already sat beside her and tried to engage her in a conversation.

"Hello..." was his greeting, his voice deep. She looked at the colour of his kilt's Tartan, and immediately knew which family he is from.

"Wait! your name is probably something McLean!" she declares.

"Oh! wait, are you a Scott too?! Well, I am Sam McLean..." he said, stretching his hand for a handshake which she gladly took. She felt a little confident today, and talking to a handsome man isn't so bad thing to do to pass the time. Unless he actually is an asshole otherwise. She already has an escape plan.

"You may call me, tonight..." was a flirty yet witty reply from her, causing Sam to laugh. "Or you may address me as, Diana"

"Well, Diana, that was a stellar performance throughout..." he compliments.

"Thank you! I'm glad you like it,"

"You have a very nice voice! So... may I buy you a drink?!" he offers.

"Of course! Or you could get me food since I haven't had my fill yet..." she said sheepishly, not having eaten anything yet.

"Oh! of course! what do you want to eat? I'll get it for you!" he offers.

" Cake" she implores, placing both her hands together as if praying.

"Of course, I'll be right back!" he said, immediately taking a small slice on a plate for her.

"There you go! Enjoy!" he says, pushing the small plate to her.

"Thank You, Sam!" she chuckles at the mention of his name. It was the same as the pseudonym she used when she wrote those 'love' letters to herself. "Thank you. I'd say 'God Bless you!', but it looks like He already did." was her flirtatious reply followed by a wink.

Sam bit his lips and laughed. He didn't know how to respond to that. "Thanks... I guess..." he holds his laughter, and clears her throat, "So Diana, what do you do? Besides singing? "

"I am independently impecunious..." was her answer.

Sam throws his head back laughing, knowing that he had found a hilarious person and the night will definitely not be boring.

"Enough about me, Sam! Let's talk about how attractive you are!" she adds.

Sam takes a deep breath but ended up laughing once again. " You're too funny for words!" However, before he could even say more...

"Sammy, laddie, hands-off! that is my daughter you're flirting with!" Francis chastises Sam from the podium after he finished his speech, causing everyone to turn their attention to Diana and Sam at the bar, upon finding out that she is Francis' daughter.

"Well, nice to meet you Diana!" he says. "Yikes..." and slowly backs away from her. It didn't matter how beautiful she is to him, she was Francis's Rutherford's daughter and there is no way she would want to incur her father's wrath.

"Sam? wait!" she says, perplexed at his sudden change.

**********

"Sam is an international playboy, he isn't the ideal man to date!" Henry says as he fiddled with his phone. Seated beside him inside the car is his cousin Diana, whom he ended up sending back home instead, as his Uncle, Francis, still had to stay at the wedding reception.

"Oho! You're one to talk Henry! " Diana chuckles, knowing her cousin's reputation.

"It can't be helped..." was his response.

"Should I tell the girls who chase after you, the same thing you told me?"

"It won't work... they'll chase after me more!" he declares, and both of them erupted in laughter, including their chauffeur in the front seat of the car, at how true the statement was.

"Well, aren't you afraid I'd chase Sam more?" she asks.

"You won't" was his quick reply.

"Because life has already knocked some sense out of you..." was his confident statement, aware of what Diana had gone through, all those years.

"I guess you're right," she sighs and smiles at herself, turning her attention to the view outside the car, whilst a classical piano rendition of 'Moon River' played inside the vehicle, making it a relaxing atmosphere.

"Lady Rutherford, we're here..." their chauffeur announces, and he gets out of the 'Ghost' to open the car for her.

"Thank you, Higgins!" she says, referring to Henry's chauffeur who opened the car door for her.

Henry followed after, alighting at the other side of the car. "Let me send you to your door..." he offers.

"Yes, walk me there," she says, as Henry walked beside her.

"We should have lunch sometime, eh? It's been a long time since I caught up with you!"

"Yes, we should do that" she agrees.

" If you don't mind, Mum wants to catch up with you too, can she come along?"

"Of course Aunt Minerva is more than welcome! How long has it been?!" she realizes suddenly that she had met her immediately family for years now since she started her relationship with Jesse, that was no longer the case now.

"It's set then" he declares, trying to find a spot inside his phone's calendar. "I'll set the time next weekend..."

"Alright! Well here's my door" she says turning to him to give him a quick hug.

Henry gladly returns her embrace " I'm glad you're in a better place now!" he adds, giving her shoulder a squeeze as an affirmation. "Well, I have to go, I have an early day tomorrow!"

However, before Henry could leave, the door opens to reveal Isaac, glaring at him.

"I'd normally say get a room, but this isn't a hotel" was the first thing Isaac said, the moment he opened the door, and 'caught' Diana, and some man, embracing each other in front of his door.

Henry looked at him puzzled, and when he realized that Isaac got the wrong idea about them, he released Diana from his arms. "Eww..." he grimaced and quickly turns around and gave a two-finger salute before he left "See you, Diana!"

Diana took a deep breath and suppressed the urge to burp before entering the house. She had four large pints of beer and 2 slices of cake which made her feel bloated, which made her feel regretful going on a drinking spree.

"Diana?" Isaac called, which she almost didn't notice because she was busy nursing the bloatedness.

"Mmmmm?"

"Remember you had 10 things you have to do for me?"

Diana just nods and covers her mouth, trying to burp as silent as she can. "Yes..."

"Well, I'm gonna use 1, let's have a talk..." was his stern reply.

"Dr Skovgaard? can we do this tomorrow?" she pleads, as she was bloated and tired.

"No, because I don't know where you will disappear to again..." he reprimands.

She sighs as she follows him to the dining room where a long session of scolding and preaching awaits her.

She sits down, resigned to her situation and prepared herself for Isaac's long preaching.

"Diana, you often disappear and reappear to I do not know where to, it's like I'm living with a Ghost. And when I message you, you do not respond..."

"But I do respond!" she reasons.

"Yes, two days later..."

"Oh... hehehe... I'm busy, sorry, please don't be mad at me" she apologizes, and laughs softly, struggling to also hide her drunkenness.

"Busy with what exactly??!!" he inhales sharply.

"Uhhh.... you know, things? work? earning a living?" she says a little sluggish. "You know, I gotta earn my keep..." the Scottish accent of hers, starting to come out.

"Men!?" he adds.

"Ahahaha yes... men" she giggles. "I'm not really busy with them, they're busy with me, which in turn... takes up a portion of my time, they're handsome, eye candies! So I guess it's worth the time..." she laughs.

"Unbelievable!" he throws his hands up in the air in exasperation.

"Dr Skovgaard, what are you really scolding me for?" she says, trying to suppress another burp.

He sighs " First, you disappear to who knows where and then reappear a few days later! You leave my message on 'read' and respond to them a day or two later as if I'm a weird guy you have been avoiding, and then you came home late, drunk! In the arms of another man! Do you know how I felt, do you know worried I was?!" he stressed out.

Diana stares at the tall ceiling and then laughs at the realizations " You make me sound like a stray cat who just comes home to eat!"

"I never said anything like that." he shakes his head in disapproval.

"I know... I'm just visualizing..." she adds, waving it off.

"Diana, you're not taking any of this seriously-"

She didn't know if it was drunkenness, but she felt a little brave, and without warning, got up from her seat and wrapped her arms around Isaac. "Alright, my love... I'm sorry, so sorry, I promise not to do it again!" she says, as her arms tighten around his waist.

Isaac, caught off-guard, stood there, frozen, unsure of how to react. "Diana?"

Diana just laughed, as she brought her hands to his cheeks. If anyone were to see them right now, it would look like they were a couple making up, after having a banter. "Oh, Dr Skovgaard... you sound just like a jealous husband!" she exclaims and laughs at his face. "You know I'd normally kiss you, but I'm not your beau..." she adds, tapping his cheek. "So, let's end this argument, and call it a day! I'm sorry, alright?! Good Night!" she says, kissing his cheek.

Isaac jolted in surprise due to her actions. He felt his cheeks, starting to get warm.

She releases Isaac from her embrace and sluggishly walked back upstairs, to her room, whilst singing a funny Scottish folk song and laughing halfway.

He sits down for a moment to collect himself and tried to process what had just happened. Trying to make sense of the feeling he currently has in his chest.

A/N: I have most probably made some grammatical errors, here and there... so I'd do some soft editing. I hope you enjoyed this one! I would also love to hear from you in the comments below.

#A True Gentleman #Mads Mikkelsen #Mads Mikkelsen Fan Fic #Mads Mikkelsen FanFic #Mads Mikkelsen Fan Fiction #Mads Mikkelsen FanFiction #Mads Mikkelsen x OFC #OFC #Original Female Character #Doctor! Mads #MissIronLady #MSILWRITES #MISSIRONLADYIW #Henry Cavill

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