#anyway then by 2016 i actually had started like....really trying to educate myself and understand stuff

[autisticmight]

how does someone who knows little-to-nothing about it get into sanders sides? i saw thomas' vines, and i've been sort of tangentially aware that the facets of his personality that he portrayed in the vines have since become characters, but there's a whole bunch of new ones??? what the fuck is a janus???? HELP. tldr where do i find The Lore? plz obi wan ur my only hope

it’s very simple!!! you hyperfixate on thomas sanders’s content in, like, 2016? and then he uploads a video called ‘my true identity’, which is a bit weird, but you love those vine characters. then he uploads more, and it becomes a trend. apparently people in the comments are shipping the prince guy and anxiety. you rewatch the new year’s video an embarrassing amount of times with your dog

i had a whole paragraph here about why i like the series, and why i dropped it and then picked it up again, but it was just a block of lowercase text and i guess it’s kind of hard to read

anyway, here’s the playlist of every episode, but i’m going to put a summary of the series and individual episodes under the readmore, while also ranking them, because i am Special Interesting and i like being useful. and i guess i’m gonna write using. like. actual grammar. if the readmore doesn’t work, then. have fun reading my infodump

here we go

Sanders Sides: A Summary

Fictional Version Of Thomas Sanders (known as Character!Thomas, and will be simply referred to as ‘Thomas’ henceforth) has ‘Sides’, which are parts of his personality that have been exaggerated and personified. It’s a nice little series set in some kind of semi-urban fantasy world, but mostly in Thomas’s living room. It mostly uses the idea of ‘Sides’ to represent the inner schemata of an individual. In simpler terms, you know when you’re conflicted, and you end up arguing with yourself? Yeah, it’s that.

Also, don’t read the comments, unless you want to disregard the care I’ve taken to not put spoilers in the Season 1 Summaries.

Season 1

I’d like to split this into parts, because there are a lot of things in earlier episodes that conflict with later characterisation. However, it’s also fun to watch them, and then rewatch them after some of the longer episodes, and feel your heart shatter!

This half of Season 1 was made solely by Thomas. It tends to be a bit more scattered, and can be watched out of chronological order, or completely skipped. Yes, I’m telling you that you can skip literally all of this section, if you want to. However, these are also the easiest videos to watch, and offer a taste of Silly Sanders Sides Hijinks without the emotional commitment.

My True Identity (6 min) - Thomas delves into the three aspects of his personality; his Logic (Teacher Guy), his Creativity (the Prince, also called Princey), and his Morality (Dad Guy who is Not Thomas’s Dad). At this point, the characters are far more similar to their Vine counterparts, and the characterisation clashes with later episodes. (3/5 - A nice way to see if you’ll enjoy the humour of this series)

Way Too Adult (5 min) - Thomas is asked by his family to help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Dad Guy pops up and discusses with Thomas how he can better learn to take care of himself. Features a talking stove, which is part of the reason why I classify this series as urban fantasy, and the start of a running joke. (2/5 - A fun, albeit rare, look into Dad Guy being responsible. I actually prefer this to My True Identity, but ranks lower due to conflicting with later S1 characterisation.)

Taking On Anxiety with Lilly Singh (6 min) - Thomas hopes and dreams to get rid of his Anxiety, who is a sassy, snide guy, sitting on the staircase. Princey, as the embodiment of Thomas’s hopes and dreams, is... Usurped by an imaginary version of Lilly Singh, who helps teach Thomas how to cope with feeling anxious. (3/5 - Introduces some secret tools that will help us later. The tools are Thomas being able to travel to various places in his head, and also Anxiety.)

A New Year of Lying to Myself... In Song!! (7 min) - The first video wherein you realise that this is A Thing. Thomas welcomes in the new year, hoping that 2017 will be better than 2016. Logic shows up to help him figure out some New Year’s Resolutions, accompanied by Dad Guy and Princey. Anxiety joins in to point out that Thomas has rarely, if ever, kept to his resolutions before. Through the first musical number of the series, the Core Sides and Thomas figure out simple, achievable resolutions that Thomas can use to improve his wellbeing. (4/5 - Unintentional foreshadowing in the form of a bop.)

The Dark Side of Disney (6 min) - Princey, not for the last time, enthuses about the wonders of Disney. However, Anxiety also appears, insisting that Disney is not as wholesome as it first appears. They argue and bond, despite the fact that Thomas still hasn’t redacted his statement regarding his hopes and dreams to get rid of his Anxiety. (2/5 - I have strong feelings on the meaning of ‘Beauty and the Beast’ and ‘The Little Mermaid’, both of which are shrugged off in favour of the tryhard-edgy ‘blegh stockholm syndrome’ and ‘blegh change yourself to get your man’. Still, it’s a fan-favourite for a reason, and the endcard always makes me smile.)

I’m in a Disney Show!! (6 min) - Princey enthuses about the wonders of Disney, because Thomas is in a Disney show. He talks about what happened, while the Sides (mostly Logic) suggest clickbait titles in order to entice people to watch the video. (2/5 - L*gan P*ul is mentioned, as he was also in the episode.)

The Mind vs. The Heart (6 min) - Thomas finds himself split between following his mind, Logic, or his heart, Morality. Features onesies, and looks further into the characters of Logic and Dad Guy. (3/5 - Pretty calm and peaceful, to be honest. It’s nice.)

Then we move onto the second part of Season 1. This is when Thomas’s friend, Joan, began to offer their input into scriptwriting and directing. They’re most of the reason why Sanders Sides is an actual series, instead of being silly skit characters in short vlogs. From here on in, episodes become more complex, and work on an actual timeline.

Alone on Valentines Day (9 min) - Thomas is rather upset that he will be, as the title says, alone on Valentine’s Day. The Sides try to help him figure out how to get a date with an imaginary version of his friend Valerie, but each of them has a weirder way of going about it than the last. (4/5 - Far more cohesive than previous videos, but Thomas still wasn’t fully out as gay, so his hypothetical date is a woman. Yes, I took points off because of that. Yes, I’m about to erase the 3/5 to make it 4/5 because Valerie is a delight.)

Losing My Motivation (9 min) - When Thomas finds himself procrastinating, Logic takes it upon himself to find out which side is causing it. In order to get into a deductive mindset, Logic dresses up as Sherlock, while Dad Guy joins in as Watson. Once the case is solved, an important piece of information is revealed: the Sides have names. (Logic’s name is revealed) (3/5 - It’s just a fun little video, and I can’t keep giving every video from here on in 4/5, or that’ll ruin the whole thingy.)

Sanders Sides Q&A (9 min) - Exactly what it sounds like. There’s not much else to say. (2/5 - I love it, but it’s not really necessary to understand the whole series. It’s just extra characterisation.)

Am I Original? (12 min) - Thomas finds himself in a creative rut, trying to think of a completely original idea. Princey requests full creative control - “full-on Daydream Mode” - in order to rapidly consider and enact many different concepts, all while trying to make something that has never been seen before. (Princey’s name is revealed) (4/5 - Important characterisation for Princey. I originally rated it lower due to Thomas’s inability to rap, but upon rewatching, i found that the ending dialogue between Princey and Thomas was worth two points, rather than the single one I gave it previously.)

My Negative Thinking (13 min) - When Thomas messes up in an audition, his ego - Princey - is out of commission and being cared for by Dad Guy. Therefore, the only Sides available to aid him in this situation are Logic and Anxiety, neither of whom can help Thomas in the way he wants to. Anxiety is worsening Thomas’s mental state, so Logan proposes a debate in order to combat those cognitive distortions. (4/5 - A fan-favourite episode which offers a lot of insight into Logic and Anxiety as characters. It is useful as a tool for identifying cognitive distortions in real life, which may help with the individual’s mental health. Even though it introduces another running joke, it’s educational and fun, and it develops their relationship in a positive manner, I just don’t particularly enjoy it.)

Growing Up (15 min) - It’s Thomas’s birthday! He’s in his late twenties, and he’s still a kid at heart. He hasn’t done his laundry, he's silly and immature, and he feels like he isn’t at the point that he needs to be in his life. Therefore, all the Sides, except for Dad Guy, who ironically embodies Thomas’s inner child, work on trying to make him more mature. (Morality’s name is revealed) (3/5 - Features the concept of Voltron Shirt. I love this episode, but there is a noticeable change in audio quality at the end which affects how enjoyable it is.)

Making Some Changes (15 min) - Back in Thomas’s living room, and in opposition to his view from the last episode, Anxiety is worried about how life changes in unpredictable ways, and especially about losing contact with Thomas’s friends. Therefore, in order to keep Thomas’s friends permanently by his side, Princey gets them all to shapeshift. (3/5 - It might be skippable, but it’s just really, really fun.)

Becoming A Cartoon (10 min) - Adding to the whole urban fantasy thing, it turns out that animators can literally, physically turn people into cartoons. Thomas wants to be a cartoon. Princey catches Anxiety in his arms and says “everybody loves the villain,” and I think that’s all you need to know. (1/5 - Co-stars B*tch H*rtman, known for Fairly Odd Parents, Danny Phantom, and Being A Bigot, who did the character designs for the Sides, if not the actual animation. And the designs are kind of. Eh. Just watch some fanmade animatics.)

Accepting Anxiety (23 min) - Part 1: Excepting Anxiety (10 min), and Part 2: Can Anxiety Be Good? (14 min) - HOO. If the musical number or the animation didn’t clue you in, this video confirms that Sanders Sides is A Thing. Remember how Thomas hoped and dreamt to get rid of his Anxiety? Remember how he never redacted that statement, or even expressed a bit of remorse? Well, here, his wishes come true, and he doesn’t feel bad about it at all! That’s because he has absolutely no shame, caution, or fear of death. Yeah, he’s a mess. Therefore, the Sides make him take them on a magical quest to Anxiety’s Room, in order to un-mess-ify Thomas. (Anxiety’s name is revealed) (5/5 - The team really went above and beyond with this one. Like. Hoo. That’s it. Just. Hoo. Hoo. I’m an owl.)

And that’s Season 1!!! I’m going to add Season 2 in a reblog, because this has taken roughly three hours and it’s been really difficult to not spoil their names!!! which i did anyway because their names are all easier to type from muscle memory!!!

[technical-adulting]

August Updates

Its a Saturday, and my only weekend day this week, as I'm picking up a shift for work tomorrow. People are back in the program setting, which is nice, but different, and a lot smaller. Not everyone is back yet, and we still can't really go out in the community with anyone. My shift tomorrow is residential, so we wouldn't be anyways, but, you know. It's a peaceful morning. Alyssa is making breakfast, it's sunny but cool outside, and I got to sleep in. There is still a lot going on, of course, but I've been grateful with the feeling of rest I've been given this week. Last night, I celebrated my mom's birthday, and I've had a few more chances to spend time with friends I haven't seen since before the quarantine, and honestly, longer. There's still work to do. BLM isn't a fad that we all needed to talk about for a few weeks and then ignore. Covid-19 is still killing people. Wear your mask in public, refrain from traveling, and quarantine if you do. Don't get angry if someone reports you for not following rules. The sooner we all comply, the sooner this will be over. Be safe and take care of each other. I'm working on getting slightly more efficient routines in place for myself. I started an intermittent fasting program in order to improve my eating habits. I was fasting for 18 hours and eating for 6, but now that I'm back at work it's actually closer to 22 or so. I'm not super hungry, as I've gotten used to my routine, so it doesn't bother me too much, though at the same time, I haven't seen a lot of progress either. I feel better. I don't feel sluggish as often, but I'm not really losing weight. I know I need to incorporate more exercise, so I've started using another app called Fabulous, that helps create morning, afternoon, and night rituals for you to follow, to improve routine and fit in healthy practices that otherwise I don't always think about. Some of my goals are to actually stick to an exercise regimen, and feel more rested. (I could probably benefit from a better skin care routine too but y'know, baby steps.) Alyssa has been trying IF with me too, though she isn't doing it as intensely as I am. It doesn't bother me and I'm really good at sticking to it, except for when I forget and eat something random (Like a tomato from my mom's garden, or I lick a spoon while baking), but the nice thing is, you also get days off, and I've been using them on the weekends so far.

I'm also excited to exercise more, because I know that will benefit Kiri. Kiri is a little high-strung, though honestly, she does really well. We just need to take her for longer walks, especially now that she can't be trusted in our fence. She has gleefully realized it is very easy to leap the fence, and does so without any effort. She always comes back once she is free, but not before looping the house and sometimes the adjacent field and wood at lightning speed. I tried to complete a second camp NaNoWriMo last month, to no avail. For some reason, it was really hard to just sit down and write a piece that was supposed to flow together. I plan to participate in the real naNoWriMo in November, and I worry that I'll struggle again unless I find some guidelines in the mean time to help me. I like writing short stories, and I've been told they're good. I think I need to piece the short stories into something more cohesive, and I can still follow some of the structure. It's just that the in-between parts, the explaining my world, the descriptions of characters, and how I want to portray their personalities officially seems more difficult. It feels like I should be ready by now. I have been telling stories about my characters for ages, literally these guys have existed for over 10 years, and yet when I sit down to actually tell a story that anyone could read, it feels like the way I want to tell it just wouldn't make sense to someone new. Maybe an outline would help. I don't know. One of my goals, leading up to November is to figure out some sort of guidelines for writing my first real draft. My other goal is to get more familiar with the political process. I feel like I never really learned how to vote. I know it's importance, and I plan to make my voice heard, but that's not enough. I'll be the first to admit, I do not watch the news. I don't have cable and I don't want it. I watch netflix and that's good enough for me. (And honestly, I don't even do that all the time.) But the first time I voted, back in 2016, I realized I hadn't known that local government was elected during the presidential election. This might sound silly, especially coming from an all honors student, who carried that into the honors program in college, but I realized I know very little about the voting process. I've been participating since then. I've allowed some news sources and a lot of social media shape my views, and I know I need to improve. I need to listen to the debates, I need to better understand the process, and I need my voice to be one that is informed, so the people I allow to speak for me, the people I allow to govern me, were actually influenced by my own understanding of what that entails. That's all of our duty. That's something we all need to be better at. I know it can be daunting and exhausting and feel like it will never help. In some ways, I'm very afraid that it won't, especially with Trump. He's already saying the polls are fake and that they will be inaccurate, and there are a lot of people who believe him. The thing is, he's not wrong. The polls are being messed with. Gerrymandering ensures that certain regions don't get as much of a say in the voting process, and especially with Covid, there will be whole regions (Likely those of lower income) that find they are unsure how/where to vote. Their voices matter the most, though. With mail-in ballots, there's a terrible chance that it will be inaccurate, as Trump has warned, but I worry that will come from his side. I worry he will argue inaccuracy if he doesn't win, he will call for recount after recount until magically the issue is corrected. Maybe this sounds conspiratorial to you, but I wouldn't put it past him. He has manipulated our nation into so much distrust of the system, but he is one of the reasons to not trust the system. Anyways, lets work together to get educated. We can't trust our officials to be honest with us, so we need to learn about it ourselves. You don't have to watch the news. Find a few good sources you trust, an online journal or something that gives impartial highlights, and go from there. Lets learn what it is we're supposed to be voting for. Lets form educations based on how we want to be governed, not how we want people to be taken advantage of. Not how we want to see certain people be stripped of their liberties. Lets vote for a nation that is supporting the people who live there, not attacking them.

[thepropertylovers]

Feature Friday with Christopher Wiacek

Happy Friday! How are you feeling this week? It doesn’t really feel like a Friday to us, since we’re home everyday and the kiddos are out of school, but we’re doing our best to celebrate it anyway with music and biscuits to start the weekend off right. Hope you’re doing the best you can, friend, and enjoy Christopher’s Feature Friday, where shares his perspective on life, loss, and realizing where he truly belongs. Check out what we mean below…

On his love for the Brits: I think my favorite place that I’ve ever traveled to would have to be London, England. I’ve been there twice, once in 2010 and the other in 2016. I’m a massive Harry Potter fan, so a lot of the second trip was based around seeing Cursed Child on the West End (which my friend and I bought tickets to before even buying flights/a place to stay). I’ve always found British things to be weirdly exotic to me, and the history behind much of the culture is what draws me to it. 

On growing up and a sense of longing: I grew up in the suburbs of Syracuse, NY.  Overall, Syracuse is actually relatively conservative, with the exception of the communities that I grew up with. I was a part of the theater community growing up, so most of the people I interacted with from a young age were pretty liberal overall, which translates to my views today. Most of my family and friends have all been super nurturing and supportive, with the exception of a few here and there. 

I went to a pretty large high school (there were over 3,000 kids overall and 900+ seniors in my graduating class!). It’s true what they say though- in this period of my life, high school seems like a million lifetimes in the past. I was a part of the chorus/theater crowd in high school. I had a few good friends, but ultimately never really felt like I was meant to stay in Syracuse for the rest of my life. I had that feeling from a young age, and I’ve always had my eyes on the big city. I fell in love with acting and the arts, and after graduating high school, I went to SUNY Fredonia, which I currently hold a Bachelor's in Fine Art in Acting. Once I graduated, I worked my way up the corporate latter at Wegmans (an amazing supermarket chain in the Northeast), and eventually got burned out by retail. Throughout all of this, I was auditioning, doing shows and trying to live out my best creative life while also paying those adult bills that seem to build up. 

On the importance of community: I think that growing up in Syracuse was very much a melting pot of many different environments for me. I was always extremely curious about everything during my childhood and had an intense imagination. That still is true today, although my imagination/curious nature has been a bit affected by reality. I also grew up doing competitive gymnastics, so I learned discipline at a young age from that. That was four nights a week during the year and on top of regular school. To round it out, I was raised Catholic, though I don’t really identify as a Catholic anymore. I think the importance of community was imbedded in me while growing up in multiple different ways. I always felt like I needed to be a part of something bigger than I was. Growing up with doing gymnastics, theater,  and other activities that kept me active really shaped me on who I am today. 

On one interesting fact: I am ambidextrous and use both my hands equally for daily tasks. My dad is the same way! Sometimes it can get a little annoying because I oftentimes have to stop and think for a split second which hand to use that will have a better result of what I am doing. It’s fun though because my mind works in weird ways where I’m not necessarily bound by one certain way of doing something. 

On what he loves about himself: My persistence. Over the past eight months, I’ve learned to love this part of myself even more than I ever have before. I think I inherit this from my parents, because of my ability to pick myself up off the ground and keep moving forward no matter what has been a driving force for me. I’ve had this drive for practically my whole life, in college getting papers/projects finished, in life, getting DIY projects completed, etc. Overall, the will to keep moving forward no matter what is one thing I really do love about myself. 

“I’ve learned though, that the people who truly love and care about you will stick by your side no matter who you love or who you’re attracted to. At the end of the day, all they care about is your happiness, and that’s how it should be.”

On what brings him joy: This answer has changed so much over the past few years. At first, it was acting/performing (which still brings me a lot of joy when I get to do it), then it was doing DIY projects (I love redoing furniture, building things and HGTV is my JAM).  But as I get older, the one thing that honestly brings me the most joy is my family. I absolutely love my parents and my siblings. We aren’t together as a whole too often, because we all live in different parts of the country currently, but when we are together, it's amazing. 

On coming out: This answer is a bit scary and muddled because I was out to my friends long before I told anyone else. I came out to my family though when I was 26, so not too long ago. I still lived at home at the time and was trying to save up to eventually get my own place. I told my sister first because from what I can even remember about this night, I was at my exes Formal event for his fraternity. I had messaged her and told her over a text,  and she was immediately non-judgmental. To bring it back, I had started seeing my now ex about 4 months earlier and started to feel the pressure to come out because I was getting tired of lying, sneaking and overall just not being truthful to people. I’m sure we all go through this at some point, but I was reaching a breaking point. My story is a bit of a cop-out, to be honest in my opinion. The story goes that I was driving the 45 min to Cornell’s campus to see the guy I had been dating. It was pretty late at night, probably around 11:30 pm, and I got pulled over for speeding. In short, I got a ticket in a small town that no one apart from the people I was going to see knew where I was. I started to get nervous because I was still on my parents' car insurance at the time. They would know eventually that I got a ticket because the bill would increase and they’d be notified etc etc. I decided to use the ticket as my way to do it, and beat them to the punch. I came home the next day and both my parents were in the kitchen. I basically told them that I had gotten a ticket, and they asked why I was in Dryden (the small town) at 11:30 pm on a weeknight. I told them I was seeing someone who went to Cornell, and when they asked who, I told them his name. The initial response was not what I expected…I think the stereotype is that your mom will take it better than your dad, but this is not the case with me. My mom didn’t take it so well, and my dad told me I could date whoever I wanted.  I was a bit surprised, but overall a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. 

On feeling more comfortable over time: My friends had all practically known for a while and were all pretty supportive when I told them. I was also in a relationship at the time too, so I at least had my now ex to turn to and didn’t really care what people thought anymore. My older brother and my younger sister were both actually really cool about it. My parents overall were okay with it in time, but at first, they didn’t really understand. It has taken a while for them to be comfortable with the fact, but I think just talking to them is what helped.  I also came out to one of my good friends in a text message, and his reply was one of the nicest and funniest things. I screen-shotted the message and still have it in my favorited photos on my phone. I don’t think I necessarily faced any harsh backlash, other than just feeling a little uncomfortable talking about all of that stuff with my parents.  On a daily basis, we basically have to come out every time we meet someone new. Luckily for me now, I live in the most liberal/accepting city ever (NYC!), so practically everyone is gay haha. I’m a lot more comfortable with everything now, and it honestly just took some time. 

On learning not to care what others think: I think during that whole process (which is still sort of an ongoing process for me), I’ve learned that other people's opinions just don’t matter at the end of the day. I’ve stopped caring so much about my appearance and how I was acting to “appease the people”, or adhere to the “straight norms” of society. I also have never been single and out until the last 8 months, so it’s been a bit lonely, scary and unnerving at times. I’ve learned though, that the people who truly love and care about you will stick by your side no matter who you love or who you’re attracted to. At the end of the day, all they care about is your happiness, and that’s how it should be. 

On his advice to LGBTQ+ youth: I would tell today’s LGBTQ youth that everything you hear about “it gets better” can be true. Understanding your own identity or feelings can be hard enough without all the fear and anxiety that comes with thinking that you won’t be accepted by the people you care most about. I totally get that, because I lived in that world so so long. It’s one of the reasons why I didn’t come out for so long.  It’s also important to realize that you’re not alone. It may feel that way, but there are amazing resources, organizations, and materials that positively represent the LGBTQ community that you can use to educate the people who care the most about you. If someone truly cares about you and your happiness, they shouldn’t care who you love at the end of the day. Love is love. It’s more important now that ever in our society to be really aware of all of the homophobia, transphobia, and prejudices that are out there, and fight for what you believe in. It may be super scary to come out, but once you do, there’s a magical world that will embrace you. You’ll have a glow-up and the weight of everything will finally start to ease.  

On taking it “one day at a time”: I think that this past summer, the trifecta of obstacles hit me at the same time. I lost my boyfriend, my home and my job, all in a matter of five days. Mind you, this was also in the midst of NYC World Pride. To go onto more detail, I had to find a new place to live because my roommate was not re-signing the lease and nor was I on the last apartment that we shared. It wasn’t a great living situation, and it became official at this time when the lease renewal papers arrived. On top of this, I was dumped by my now ex of almost three years, seemingly out of the blue, or at least it seemed that way to me. It was a massive upheaval in my life, seeing as though I was dumped right before World Pride, and all of our plans sort of blew up. The relationship was very codependent on both sides, so figuring out what I was to do next really threw me for a loop. I had to start my life over from rock bottom and navigate the world with practically an emotional hole blown through me. I was much closer to his family than he was to mine, mainly because of the distance. After trying to cope with this breakup that following weekend and taking a trip home to Syracuse to spend time with family/friends, I came back to NYC on Monday only to work a full day and then get laid off at 4:00 pm. I think at this point, I sort of shut down internally and the old Chris was so beaten down by everything that he was “past a point of no return” and sort of died inside. 

I had lost all of the main pillars of my life, and everything completely had fallen apart in such a short time period. To basically lose the group of people that I considered something like a second family was devastating. Once this happened, I decided to go home to my actual family in Syracuse for a few weeks to take a break from the city and recuperate. In this time, I mainly focused on my body and working out/trying to take care of myself and not fall even deeper into the abyss of it all. While away in Syracuse, I was officially broken up with via text message from the relationship. I had found also out my ex was on Grindr basically a day after dumping me (and from what I’ve found out since he had been on it multiple times during the course of our monogamous relationship too…).  

During this period, I basically started to have a mental breakdown, because I had no idea what to do next. On top of dealing with the normal everyday stresses of living in NYC, I was now having to deal with a really painful breakup, needing to find a place to live AND finding a new job. There were a lot of stressors nagging at me, mainly my source of income. To even find a new place, I had to first find a job that would make me financially stable and form some sort of budget. There were so many pieces of the puzzle that needed to be filled in, that it was honestly mind-boggling.  

It’s been about 8 months now since all of this happened, and it’s been a long and hard road. I had my “Britney” moment and shaved my head because I was sick of dealing with my hair (this actually turned out kind of cool and created a whole new look for myself). I went platinum around Thanksgiving and have kept it this way since. I also had applied to over 75 jobs over the course of the summer and went on countless interviews and phone interviews. I was super aggressive in job hunting and had finally procured a great job at a tech firm in the Financial District towards the end of September. As for the apartment woes, I couch crashed on some close college friends' couches for a few weeks. After that, I found a temporary cheap room in a tiny Brooklyn apartment that had no door, no closet (A challenge, I know, but I made it work!), and roommates I did not know. Money was tight, but I had to do what I had to do to survive in order to stay in the city. I now am living with two great friends in upper Manhattan in a really cute apartment that has a door AND a closet). So, life is looking up! 

For the relationship side of things… It’s been a long road of healing. I must have read every single self-help book in Barnes and Noble, in addition to seeking out the advice of friends and family to talk about it. I even wrote a letter to my ex’s mom. Being that I was pretty close with his family throughout the relationship, I thought it was a respectful thing to do to send a “thank you” letter for all of the things that they did for me while I was dating her son. To be completely honest, I thought I would have heard back with some sort of response or well wishes for the future. Instead, it’s been a cold turkey moment, and I never heard back… nor have I heard from anyone in that whole community that I spent the better part of three years with. I guess it goes to show you that the people who really care about you will reach out, and the ones that don’t care…. won't. Ultimately, I’ve never been out and single at the same time, so it’s been quite the turbulent journey that I’ve had to overcome. I’m still healing, but I’ve pretty much adhered to the “one day at a time” method. 

On his biggest inspiration: My biggest inspiration would have to be my parents. Both of them have persevered over the years in multiple different ways, and have always provided for my siblings and I. They have both faced extreme challenges, but have really set a great example for us growing up. I hope I get to be the type of parents they are to me to my future children. 

On looking ahead: I think in five years, I hope to still have a stable job, a beautiful home and a relationship that fosters into a family of my own. I think I mainly hope to just be happy, regardless of the financial situation I am in. 

On what really matters: Life comes at you fast, and you have to be ready to meet it with perseverance and grace. Otherwise, if you don’t, you can get easily eaten up along the way and lose yourself to the madness of it all.  Stay true to who you are, and trust in the universe that everything always happens for a reason. 

[mysecretcloset]

Short story of my life

You know nothing as a child, let alone question the authority of your own mother. When I sometimes asked myself a dress for the first time when I was three, my mother refused. I thought it would be easier to be a girl. Or something like that. Can you finally remember anything from those days? By junior high school, school had a moped day. Mom laughed at me when I told what kind of outfit I should have. The outfit included a tank top, tights and a skirt. It still included a bucket instead of a school backpack. It might be the only thing I had then.

I was very sensitive when I was young. Of course I didn't understand what it means to be sensitive or transgender. I was pretty lonely after all.

In junior high, I was really closed, too, and isolated.

The guy tried the dress for the first time, dating. I was 15, and my partner right asked me to try on her white dress each. I guess she didn't guess what effect it had.

When I was in my twenties, I came out of the closet for the first time. My dating partner had a part. But it didn't last.

A few times I've had to reassemble my circle of friends. That was one of those times.

When no one really misses that time.

I went to the bridge for the first time in the process. But not my resources, but enough to continue it. Not alone.

When my mom learned that I was transgender, her reaction to it was to introduce me to suicide statistics. Do I want to get into them? - he asked. Would you ask a kid like that? I never will.

In 2013, I finally came out of the closet. With the help of my girlfriend back then, I started the process again. It was very straightforward. The process also included a time when my mummies had the opportunity to come to hear about it. But just say you don't know it already and of course it won't come.

I went through many stages with the fact that I had been through the process a little over five years earlier. It is probably the right wording that is turning.

2013 was also the last time I saw my father. The relationship between me and my dad got tricky when my brother told me he wouldn't accept me. Neither did his sister show up. It has been a few years since I saw my sister and brother.

2014

Year 2014 I studied woodworking in Järvenpää. However, we were often contacted with my mother. I could often be on a trip to Kaarina during the week. In the summer, I went there anyway. My anxieties had worsened in 2013 and 2014, so it was better to stay away from mother. I then went to study in Turku.

In 2015, there was a divorce. That same year, my first, informed me that since I am no longer a man, I will no longer be acceptable to anyone. That I will be single for the rest of my life and that I could kill myself. I went into severe depression, intense anxiety, and eventually burned myself out. I was even considering committing suicide. It remained a consideration when my life became a young non-sex. He saved my life. I didn't know that even a short relationship can be more educational than more long relationships.

The 2016 New Year was on the mothers place. Well if I say that New Year went on the walls. Mother said he would not accept my name. I haven't been so anxious with anyone for so long. Especially when it was my beloved.

2017

2017 was the year I returned to Vantaa. In the spring, I had graduated from vocational training and in the autumn, I got my D1 license.

Month of move, I met a woman on a cruise ship who actually moved in with me a little while later. It was quite a while alone. And he came into my life. By coincidence. At about the same time the mumble once again shone with its message. I asked the mummy what if my little brother came out of the closet gay, what would he think.

Mother said he would have failed at that point in raising two children. So, with me, this failure has apparently already happened?

At the same time, the camp was attended during the summer. Mother as a leader and I were in the kitchen. We were taken with the mother so many times there at the camp that I was ready to leave the camp. The camp was saved by the fact that I went many times for shopping. So I finally got rid of my mothers often.

2018

2018 was an exciting time. I had myin vaginoplasty on February 13th. There is a separate blog post attached to it at the end. But after the surgery for a couple of months, I wasn't working at all, but I improved my post-operative conditions and pain. Walking was not easy and almost nothing else. But it was settled and returned. In May behind the wheel. It was quite a tough summer when the minibus did not even want to fill the rent. In August, I got back to studying to upgrade my minibus license to a big bus license. In November 2018, for the first time, I was sitting in the car of my current employer, no longer just as a passenger, but as a company employee. My grandmother asked that year what name I want to call myself? Maybe though the worst year in this recent history. 2019 My anxiety and anger have increased year by year. As I look back on 2019, the top thing that comes to mind is my grandmother's party, when it became clear that my grandmother would not accept me as I am. I quickly got out of there. Maybe it was better then.On the positive side, though, you could say that summer I came back to announce and run football games. Where else than at the Tikkurila Palloseura. Women's League and Men's Third division. I was very well received at Tikkurila. 2020 I have given mother letter which I tell my daughter that directly reaches the age of 18 I do not feel under no obligation to keep in touch with my mother. As time goes by. She is already 15 years old. In March of this year, I actually decided to put the ties in place shortly before my daughter's birthday. I don't feel that the person who wants to hurt me is part of my life. Now I have no close relatives in my life. No mother, no father, no brothers. A few cousins ​​are ok but I kind of feel like I'm abandoned.

[phandomficfests]

Writer’s Corner: phloridas

Introductions 

First things first, tell us a little about yourself. Hi, I’m Claire! I’m 22 years old, from Illinois, and like most 20-somethings, have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Things have been been pretty turbulent these last few years, as I started college studying Elementary Education but transferred schools a couple years ago to study Creative Writing. I had recently fallen in love with writing all over again and wanted to improve my craft/possibly work with books as a career. That school, however, wasn’t a great fit for me and after months of struggling, I dropped out last October and have been slowly putting myself back together since. I’m now hoping to transfer again to a school closer to home to finish my Elementary Ed degree, as I really do have a passion for teaching and children and thoroughly enjoyed those classes when I was taking them. So fingers crossed things can work out there! :)

How long have you been writing for?  I wrote and posted my first phanfiction in October 2016 but if you’re talking fanfiction in general, my first ever fic was a terrible Glee one that I scribbled in my 9th grade biology notebook in the spring of 2012 and thankfully never posted anywhere. I’ve also been writing original stories and keeping journals on and off since I was 6--which is a really long time, now that I’m thinking about it!

Tell us about your current project. Ok! I’m currently working on a few things: first is my PRB, second is a fic I was commissioned to write for the Phandom Gives charity drive and the third is a much longer thing I’ve been working on for about a year now, where Dan and Phil are telling the story of their lives and releasing it as a book for their 10th anniversary, and dealing with all the emotions that arise from all that—so basically my fever dream for 2019, which feels more possible than ever now in this post-coming out universe.0 unread message

What is your current word count?  245,379 or 259,014 counting my wips! (Damn, I wish I had that much in dollars lmao)

Questions on Writing

Do you try to write daily? Do you have a word count or other goals you try to hit for each writing session? As long as my mental health is decent and I’m not sick or anything, I try to write every day! I haven’t had a word count goal for a while but recently, I’ve started using a word count tracker and it’s been amazing to see my progress through that! My base goal is normally 500 words but if I’m not working that day, I try to go for 1k or to the end of whatever scene I’m working on.

How do you feel about the arguments against real person fic? I totally understand why some people may be uncomfortable reading it--I personally hate talking about it, even with my closest irl friends--but I don’t think anyone should tell someone what they can and can’t write. Does it sometimes feel weird, especially after seeing them at TATINOF and II and meeting them at II? Sure, but it helps that dnp themselves are cool about it. For me, writing is all about getting these stories out of my head, and it just so happens that all my stories feature Dan and Phil. So yeah, I’m gonna write and post them no matter what anyone else says.

What challenges you most in your writing? Myself. Much like Dan, my perfectionism makes me my own harshest critic and so many times, has completely destroyed my productivity. I also have a really bad habit of comparing myself to others, which only got worse after I started taking writing classes and saw just how talented some of my peers were. However, after speed writing most of my last fic in the two weeks before its posting date and seeing the amazing response that’s gotten, I’ve gained a lot more confidence in my writing abilities and don’t overthink as much, which has been really nice!

What's your favorite piece of feedback you've ever gotten? All the comments on my most recent fic, an act of infinite optimism, have been incredible and I’m SO happy it got such a good response! I was a bit hesitant about it, as it’s from Dan’s mum’s point of view and seeing as I’m not a mother myself (and currently have no interest in becoming one), I wasn’t sure how well it would resonate. But I think reading Michelle Obama’s memoir helped a lot, since her story helped me see exactly what being a working mom is like, which gave me so much more empathy for moms everywhere. And people have said this fic resonates well with them, whether or not they’re a mom themselves, which is so amazing to hear!

What do you think makes a good story? I’m quite easy to please so honestly, if the author has put lots of love and hard work into a story, I’m so here for it! But some of my favorite stories are the ones that focus most on character development and that follow the characters through an emotional journey. Basically, if your premise is Dan and Phil talking about their feelings and learning more about themselves in the process, it’s an automatic yes from me. Like I said, I’m not picky :)

How do you balance writing for yourself vs. writing what people want to read? Honestly, it’s not something I think about all that much? If I have an idea I really like, there’s a 95% chance I’ll write it just so I can get it out of my head. And normally what people want to read is the kind of thing I want to write (like my take on the 2017 Lester family Christmas, which was super well received), so it works out quite well! 

What inspired whatever you’re currently working on? For my current wip (the one I’ve been working on since August), I actually was inspired by Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl and its use of excerpts from Cath’s fics or the Simon Snow books before each chapter. As a dnp tell all book is something I’ve dreamed of for years, it occured to me that I could write that book, or little bits of it anyway, and the story of how that book gets created! And maybe confronting their past selves will allow dnp to move on with the rest of their lives, finally settling down and living their domestic dreams! So beyond the initial idea, the rest is pretty much all the hopes and dreams I had for 2019 before the reality of this year came crashing down on us all :D

What is your ideal writing environment? Literally, in my bed, snuggled under the covers. I don’t have a desk in my room and don’t feel comfortable writing anywhere else so 99% of my it happens here, on my semi-functional laptop. Or hastily typed out on my phone whilst hiding behind a large clothing display at work, but idk if I would call that ideal lmao

Don’t forget that you can check out Claire on tumblr at @phloridas or on AO3 here. If you’d like to be on the list for a Writer’s Corner feature, sign up here!

[keyliftness]

Proper Introduction

Hello to whoever ends up on this blog!

My name is _______, but I go by Key. I live in Ames, Iowa (where the lovely Iowa State University is located), but I’m originally from the Fort Dodge area.

I started this blog to offer support to those who struggle with eating disorders, living a healthy lifestyle, or both. 

Personally, I’m struggling with anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating, general body dysmorphia, anxiety, and depression. I have recently brought attention to these personal issues after finally having enough of rumors saying my weight loss is thanks to hard drugs.

My fitness journey started my freshman year of college (August 2014), and has paused, started, paused, started again I don’t know how many times from 2014-2019. I first started off with only doing High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) workouts and even tried Kayla Itsine’s Bikini Body Guide, but my diet and life away from home made it hard for me to stay motivated with such highly intense workouts. I did know that my diet wasn’t the best, but I didn’t understand food nutrition vs. exercise. 

My sophomore year I ate a LOT of Domino’s and drank a LOT of wine, and working at a bar-restaurant made sticking to any kind of meal plan unappealing because of all the “delicious” food I was constantly around (pizza, made-to-order pasta, appetizers, etc). I was gaining more and more weight no matter how hard I pushed myself at the gym (which really wasn’t that hard), but I was exercising consistently, so I started powerlifting. My coworker Manny and I worked out after hours at the gym we worked at, and man did I think I was getting strong! I remember benching 105 and thinking I was hot shit! At the time that was the strongest I’d ever been, and I was taking “progress” pictures all the time, but hardly seeing any progress other than strength. I tried out for rugby spring of 2016 and tore a ligament in my hand. I was in a cast for about 10 weeks and did NOT want to exercise while I was in that thing. It really fucking sucked feeling a sweat break under that cast, and all of the dead skin that shed once I got it taken off was absolutely disgusting lol. So I had gained probably 5-10 pounds while I was in the cast, but I was cleared from physical therapy 3 months sooner than planned. My best friend at the time, Brooke, and I started going to the gym really late at night, around 10 or 11pm, even if we didn’t really know what we were doing.

Preparing to move to Ames for my junior year of college, I decided to add Kinesiology & Health as a minor. I was attending Iowa State for graphic design but ended up EXTREMELY unhappy with the design program and dropped out after about 5 or 6 weeks. However I REALLY liked the few kinesiology-related classes I was in at the time and decided when I returned to school that I would change my major to Kinesiology & Health with my option of focus being Exercise Science. Fall of 2016, I learned about counting macros and flexible dieting, and started using MyFitnessPal for probably about two weeks consistently. I had/have a terrible habit of getting motivated for exercising and dieting and end up either losing motivation, or simply just lose interest.

2017 was honestly the beginning of TRULY pushing myself in the gym and realizing this is a lifestyle I want to live for the rest of my life. I got a job at Ames Racquet & Fitness as a front desk receptionist and got a free gym membership, which REALLY motivated me because I got 24/7 access for free! Brooke moved to Ames and we were able to start working out together again, but this time more educated and determined. Follow her on Instagram @_brookeashleyy to see her amazing weight loss journey from our sophomore year of college until now! That year I really wanted to put together my own home gym at the duplex I lived at and then at the house I moved into, but didn’t have a ton of equipment. The relationship I was in started to head downhill in the fall of 2017, and my depression starting gaining momentum. I began bingeing on junk food right before bed, and couldn’t find motivation to go to the gym consistently. Sometime weeks I’d only go once or twice, some weeks not at all.

2018 began with catching my then-boyfriend cheating on me, and the insecurities that came with that planted themselves in my noggin and started to spread roots. I should’ve ended the relationship there but was dumb and gave him a chance to change. When I caught him cheating again in April, I finally did kick him out, and the month after is when I got really sick mentally and physically and lost 30lbs in three weeks. This started the longest break I’ve ever taken from the gym, 3 months (May - July 2018). I didn’t go to the gym because I didn’t want to look any more sick than I already was, and I knew if I lost more calories then my body would really be screaming for help. Regulars at the bar I work at started to beg me to eat. They’d offer to buy me any food from anywhere, even the biggest steak from the most expensive restaurant in town, but I just couldn’t. Customers would bring food in to eat and the smell would make me nauseous, but it got so bad to the point where even seeing food would make me gag. There were many, many times I threw up at either of my jobs while working. There were many, many times bar customers or gym members would check on me and ask me if I was okay. And there were many, many times people would gossip when I entered the room. Believe it or not, but more people talked shit about me at the gym than anywhere else!

For the past year and a half, I’ve had to manage life with eating disorders as well as rumors of drug abuse. It’s hard to deal with already existing mental problems and then deal with people spreading such terrible lies. I recently made a public post on Facebook announcing that I do not have a drug addiction, but actually mental disorders that take turns with my body. Saturday night consisted of bingeing and purging at work, Sunday was spent fasting, followed on Monday with bingeing and purging. Tuesday was also a very restricted day but not on purpose, my appetite had been squashed from the previous days. Today I forced myself to eat within an hour of waking up, but I could only choke down one hard boiled egg and half of a blueberry bagel with strawberry cream cheese. I was able to cook a big dinner and eat it all, along with a few snacks at work tonight.

The body I want and the lifestyle I want to live can’t be achieved unless I eat. I need the calories to feed my muscles enough to grow, but they need to be coming from the right foods, and they need to be coming in consistently.

Anyway, this blog is to help inspire others trying to recover or whom are already in recovery but need a helpful push to keep going, as well as assist my friends and family with trying to live a healthier lifestyle!

[osmw1]

Crowbar Nurse  Chapter 12 — The Lamer the Technique, The Stronger the Kiryū

My consciousness resurfaced from the depths of a deep dreamless slumber, similar to the feeling of waking from anesthesia… or so I’ve been told by my patients.

My tongue squirmed, trying to rehydrate the dryness in my mouth. I surveyed my surroundings while still lying down… I knew where I was.

Uptown — the second stage of the Emergency Partition Plan and lovingly nicknamed Safehouse by fans of the game.

We managed to make our way here at last…

A sigh of relief trickled from my lips was followed by another deep lungful in, but the dry air cut my trachea as if I were breathing in razor blades.

Glimpses of the bare, windowless room peeked through the impenetrable red iron door. Where I had lain wasn’t a bed, but something closer to a bench you’d find in the waiting area of a hospital. The air in here was musty, evident that this room has long since seen visitors. And it was also dry because the air conditioning units lack a humidification feature?

Though glad as I was to make it here safe and sound, equal amounts of bitterness welled up in me, cursing the reality of the situation: This was no dream.

I’m not sure how we got in. Normally, you’d need to find a hidden NPC or the key in a secret room… well, I suppose I should count my blessings.

Lying here all day wouldn’t do us any favors. I sat up while taking another large breath.

“Finally awake, I see. It’s a shame that you are not dead.” “… Oh, it’s you, Elizabeth.”

Some distance away, the voice emanated from an office chair that looked to be built by the lowest bidder. The sour look on her face indicated the fruit she was munching on might have been as well.

“You fainted as soon as things had settled down. Kiryū turned pale as a ghost, fearing that he had pushed you too hard.” “Oh, jeez… Sorry about that. That was poor timing though, seeing things haven’t settled down. Not until we reach the safehouse, at least.” “We were fine. Sure, we might have taken a few wrong turns, but we managed to stumble our way here alright. It was nothing we couldn’t handle on our own… so he said. You have been running on fumes and working long hours, haven’t you? Adrenaline only gets you so far before your body clocks out.”

With her hand clutching her temple, Elizabeth looked just as poorly. More jarring was how tied around her ankles was a makeshift rope fashioned from bedsheets.

“Speaking of which, where is Kiryū anyway?” “Him? He took two NPC’s with him to the supermarket in search for more food. … look at this. All this just to make sure I wouldn’t kill you.” “Hmm? What about it?” “These sheets are all part of Kiryū’s contraption. He tied my ankles to the lever that opens the door so that if I were to force my way towards you, the zombies would all rush in.” “Wow.” “He even went around confiscating any objects large enough to be a weapon and tucked it underneath the bed you’re sleeping on.

She looked helpless all tied up like that. … Kiryū sure is cautious. But that makes it even weirder for someone so cautious to run out on his own, leaving behind me and Elizabeth, a potential threat. I guess I should first check the place where a rifle should be… Wait, what?! There’s only a pistol and a shotgun here!

“… I wonder if he’d be alright with just two NPC’s…”

I mumbled as I sat up from the leather bench. Why did he go and do that? I mean, you can have up to five soldiers in your—err, survivors following you at the same time.

“He said he was going to recruit the NPC’s that he left behind at the start of the game. I suppose he is also going to take the chance to level up as well.” “Why is he in such a… Oh, maybe he’s worried about the seven-day limit.” “What limit?” “So, after seven days pass in this game, an endless amount of zombies will come and overrun you and that means game over.” “How awful.” “I know, right? Such a shame, especially because it’s such a fun game.”

I awkwardly chuckled before taking a sip of water from a plastic bottle underneath the bench, instantly dissolving the parchedness from before.

“… Sorry that we left you just lying there.”

Her words slowly stumbled out,

“That Kiryū really wanted to help, but besides you, none of us knew how to use syringes. Stuffing your mouth with herbs couldn’t wake you up either.” “Yes, I suppose Medicinal Herbs don’t help with fainting.” “Right…”

Elizabeth’s response marked the end of the topic. I looked towards her to see the remainder of half-eaten fruit resting on her lap and her lips sucked in. She must have been fraught, nervous.

Shoot. How do I break this awkward silence…?

My nursing training can come into play here. Hark, thee! … Umm, I learned this technique called assertive communication in class… What was the trick to it again?

“… The air in here sure is dry.”

Panic beset me and the words that came out were nothing but unengaging small talk.

“Yes… I suppose powering down the air conditioning would help.”

Elizabeth followed up with the pointless topic I offered, perhaps similarly hoping to cast away the awkwardness.

“I already tried doing so with the controls on the wall but to no avail. Perhaps the cooling system is centrally controlled. The air conditioning in the lecture halls at my university were just as annoying too.” “Oh, maybe, yeah… Speaking of which, what did you study in university?” “If we know too much of each other, it would just be awkward if either of us dies. … I mean, if you really want to know, I suppose I do not mind telling you that I am licensed for early childhood education, elementary school education, and childcare—where I currently work.” “Wow! That must’ve been a lot of hard work.” “It certainly was… and I was frequently rewarded with unlawful overtime. Hard work sure pays off.”

She turned her gaze upwards and unto the ceiling; I couldn’t help but to sigh too.

“It’s tough before and after graduating, hey? I guess I’m in the same boat as you. Being thrown into this world sure is scary, but also, being torn away from my super overworked lifestyle isn’t the worst thing either. I mean, it’d be bad if we were trapped here forever though.”

At the very least, I was able to share a laugh in agreement with Elizabeth.

“I wholly understand you. There really isn’t too much you can do with your own powers to escape the confines of a terrible job. Perhaps this world was created as… something like respite care. Less than likely though…” “Hey, Elizabeth?”

Though interrupting the girl deep in thought, I managed to find resolve and approached Elizabeth.

“I’m wondering if you could tell me a little about what you know about this world.” “…” “I don’t see myself surviving if we continue on like this. More importantly, though, someone important to you died so that you could return to the real world, am I right…?” “What makes you think so?”

Her voice strained and wavered.

“Gamer sense,” I said with a shrug and a smile, and continued.

“I’m sorry if I’m wrong, but that’s probably the reason why that a know-it-all like you is hurting. But even then, you’ve experienced something very painful, haven’t you?” “You’re…”

Her voice trailed off and the safehouse sunk back to a silence. Not an awkward like before, but a silence for scrambling thoughts.

“… it isn’t as if I know more than the very basics.”

There was another good length of time before Elizabeth expanded on her thoughts.

“There’s seemingly an administrator in this game.” “An administrator?” “At the very least, that is what they called themselves. Perhaps it would be more prudent label them as the creator of this world. Someone or something with a twisted sense of purpose. We stand no chance of overcoming that being for as long as we share the same world.”

An overpowered being.

She continues,

“I don’t know of what it wants. What I do know is that all the people who get summoned here are always exhausted and one of them are designated as the ‘core’.” “What happens if you get picked to be core?” “Nothing comes from it… No, actually, they get to bring an electronic device, like a phone or a laptop. With it, you can check who is in which game and to travel between game worlds. You know that already though.” “Right, I remember.” “The games available are… Well, last time, they were all games which the core had played lots. It may be the same this time around. We also never have successfully charged the device last time, so use your phone with great caution.” “Argh… I’ll try my best not to check my phone. Let me actually just turn it off…” “A sage idea.”

Elizabeth concurred with a nod.

“Till this day I have no idea what it… the Administrator wants. Maybe it’s some sort of alien with unfathomable technology, or maybe it’s some time traveler hoping to destroy all wage slaves. Or maybe, it’s the vengeful spirit of someone who was worked to death. I don’t know.” “…” “You’re thinking it sounds ridiculous. But honestly, that is all I know. From the two times I have been through this, the bastard is possibly recreating these game worlds with an emulator or something. Our consciousnesses is then pulled over to this side then assigned to the physical bodies of characters from various video games. And then…” “If the core dies, does that mean… everybody else gets liberated?” “… Yes, there is that as well.”

Her assent was marked with discomfort, but I was only looking for the facts. I assured her that was the case and there was no need to feel guilty for it before further probing her.

“Just for reference, when was the first time you were brought to this side?” “The spring of 2014. The second time was… autumn in 2016. I truly have no luck with workplaces.” “Was it the first or the second time that you witnessed the death of the core?” “The second. First time around, I had returned before I knew what was going on. I suppose the core was killed, but I have no idea. For both cases though, I ended up simply losing conscious for about a week in the real world.” “I see. And have you beaten the world, like, as a game before?” “No.” “Okay. Have you ever been chosen as the core?” “No… The core for my second time here was someone who I got to know well. A good friend.” “That… that must’ve been tough.” “Yes, I suppose.”

In a sense, discomfort, but more so a mournful pain marked her confirmation this time. No doubt that it was an excruciating experience.

“She told me she worked at a bank and that she liked games. Perhaps people who like to game are more likely to be chosen to be the core… Or perhaps not. I mean, I game quite a lot too.” “Ya boy’s a hardcore gamer himself too.”

A third voice interjected and joined our conversation. I looked up without thinking; Elizabeth whipped around in a startle. Behind her stood Kiryū and the unstoppable hellish army in tow. He’s… really looking like something else. The buggy was filled to the brim with supplies. Various weapons and ammunition were dangling from each soldier, tied on with the makeshift rope. Among everyone else, though, Kiryū was carrying the heaviest load: Nick. The frozen protagonist was cradled to his back with what seems to be a baby sling made with the same reused bedsheets.

“Sounds like liking video games is the requirement for being transported to this dimension and not for being chosen as the core. There’s probably ‘nother factor we’re missin’.”

How can someone be so cool when he speaks but look so lame cradling an adult baby?

“Since when did you return?!”

Elizabeth couldn’t hide the fact that he took her by surprise. There’s something else though. She looks tenser than she was before. Being threatened to be eaten by zombies and being held prisoner would do that you. Conscious of that, I interrupted the two of them.

“Hey, Kiryū! Hey! We were in the middle of a serious conversation just now. Which part did you start listening in from?” “Pretty much from the beginning.”

He severed the connection between Elizabeth’s ankle and the door lever with a knife. His knot seemed to be too tight to be untied by hand. Kiryū’s really not going easy on her, huh? No, it’s more than that. Look closely—isn’t he gritting his teeth like he’s Harry Callahan?

“It must’ve been really hard for you to hold back from ridiculing her theories, I bet.” “… you don’t know the half of it! How the hell would an emulator be capable of recreating worlds, let alone transferring consciousnesses?! That’s too much fiction to your science. What, do we all have electrodes sticking into our brains or somethin’ right now? No, wait, you’re right. We’re in the middle of an alien abduction because that’s totally what it is.” “Yeesh, okay, I get you. Jeez. We were just chatting, y’know? Just wondering about the what ifs. Smiling and nodding can be the key skill to good communication, Kiryū.” “That’s a skill I couldn’t care less about. Unfortunately, I can’t help but to call you two out on your scientific inaccuracies. I’m in too deep with machines both as work and as a passion to care about interpersonal relationships.” “In too deep with machines? Are you some sort of inventor?” “In a sense… Like, I do a lot of benchmarking. I love running benchmarks on every video card that comes on the market.” “… Where’s the fun in that?”

Fed up with our conversation, Elizabeth heaved a sigh. Kiryū untied his sling and threw Nick off of his back and onto the ground.

“Kiryū! There’s only one Nick in the game, so treat him better!” “As if. More of him popped up at the beginning of the level. I also took the chance to secure a large batch of unlimited ammo rifles too.” “Uh… what?!” “I explored a bit of the map we’re in right now… Just a bit ahead in the game is the Shooting Range, right?” “Um, yes, that’s right.” “I found a really rudimentary bug there.”

He had a smug smile as he looked around at our army.

“So, you know how when you’re at the range, you can shoot your guns dry, leave, and come back to them at max ammo, right?” “Oh… that’s right. It was like that in the game as well.” “I tried it out with the pistol first. I shot it until I was out of ammo, left the gun on the ground, and then left the range… What do you think happened?” “… What happened?” “A fully loaded pistol appeared in Nick’s hand. I went back inside, and the empty gun was still just lying there.” “… Whoa, no kidding! That means you can generate endless guns like that!” “Bingo! Awesome, right? Just like you said, we can do that to get as many guns as we want. But it seems like we can only duplicate guns available at the range, so I couldn’t get any more combat knives. I’ve seen similar bugs in other games, so that got me thinkin’ if I could get it to work here… but there you have it.”

There were no other words other than “smug” to describe Kiryū’s face. I took a careful look and noticed all of the soldiers were wielding assault rifles with unlimited ammo. Not only that, but every soldier had a bedsheet baby sling and a Nick on their backs. We had more in our army than I could count. There were at least twenty of them in the room.

“Wait, what about the five-follower limit… Oh, I get it! Nick’s a player character too!” “That’s exactly it. Each Nick we have, we get five more soldiers.” “Awesome! We’re duplicating everything!” “Pretty good thinking, eh?” “Oh, boy, this is going to be so much fun!” “I hate to admit it, but I’m getting a little excited too.” “… What in heaven’s name are you talking about…?”

Left behind in our excitement was Elizabeth, who didn’t understand any of it. Someone who doesn’t even know who Sera is of course wouldn’t know anything about zombie games. It took a thorough explanation of the game’s system for her to finally follow along.

“I see. Well, in any case, it’s plain to see you have accomplished something incredible. Still, why has Nick multiplied?” “When I began to take Nick away from start of this level, the game kept wanting to return Nick to the proper spawn location for the level change. And since there wasn’t a limit, I just kept doing it until I had about twenty Nicks.” “How curious. Nick would disappear from your hands and be returned to the spawn area… is that not a little weird?” “Well, it’s a bug. Normally in the game, it’s neither possible to leave a gun at the range nor is it to take the protagonist away before the game even starts. Can’t say I’ve expected any of this to happen the way it did.” “This world is very curious indeed. Kinda makes you wish that the creators made up their mind whether they wanted a survival horror or a sci-fi game. Oh, right! Let’s dupe the grenade launcher afterwards. We shouldn’t have access it to it just yet, but I’ve got an idea how to get our hands on one.” “What are you planning on doing with all this firepower…?”

After seeing the sly smiles on our faces, Elizabeth was utterly fed up with us. However, seeing where we were now, what other choices did we have? We’re gamers after all.

“First, let’s go and beat this game. You don’t know what that’s like though, right, Elizabeth? We’re going to take total control of this zombie-infested world with our superior firepower. Maybe on your first time here, someone else went and cleared the game and that’s how you got out. You never know.”

As soon as I said that, a terrible roar echoed in the background.

■Kiryū, II

A software engineer who is… supposedly very cautious. Nevertheless, he lets his guard down around Sera, but that should prove to be fine. Thirty years of age but acts like a smug twenty-three-year-old when he discovers bugs. Kiryū may seem to be too cruel towards Elizabeth, but perhaps he is normally this suspicious towards women—or rather, anybody. Though it may be inevitable due to personal reasons, nevertheless, it does not detract from the fact that he is too wary.

contents: /ch001/ /ch002/ /ch003/ /ch004/ /ch005/ /ch006/ /ch007/ /ch008/ /ch009/ /ch010/ /ch011/ /ch012/ /next/

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[mohartproductions]

Approaching Diversity

This is something I've been wanting to express for sometime now. I don't know the best way to put this into words, and generally for everyone to understand, but I feel this recurring trend of bashing a certain product for pushing for representation of minorities has gotten way out of hand. Now in some cases it's not always the audience's fault; sometimes it's on the creative team's part or even the marketing since either or could potentially slip up, especially if they either don't do a good job representing minority characters or send vague or even pretentious messages prior to the release of that project that exposits how diverse it is. (sometimes they would even go far to call someone out as sexist... something which I'll talk about in a bit) But more often as of late a lot of negative backlash towards a product showcasing diversity or representation does tend to be rather callous and even bigoted. Ever since promotional art for the upcoming She-Ra reboot was released it was meat with crass remarks like "Those SJWs are just shoving diversity down our throats again!" or "Oh look, a female character who looks like a queer just like the creator, clearly this is a gay agenda!" or crap like that. Those might not be the exact words but from what I remember they definitely come off as insensitive and even downright bigoted. And with this recent surge of conservatism and right-wing politics taking hold of social media it's definitely worrying. Look I can understand criticizing a project for being preachy, especially if that's how the marketing approaches this tactic, but then there's the matter of bigoted remarks that follow, and what's even worse is the direct attacks at certain individuals for their personal identity when they are merely performers who are just doing their jobs! We've been seeing this happen again and again with Star Wars, and recently with The Titans trailer and the initial casting of Batwoman, and it's NOT okay! (also the news of a new MLP series with Applejack being voiced by a Black voice actress, the reception to that is pretty racist if I must say so myself) The problem with how a product or creative team push for diversity is NOT the idea itself but rather the marketing and the execution of the final product, and that's no more apparent than with the 2016 Ghostbusters film. A movie about a new team of Ghostbusters that's primarily female is actually a good idea, in fact from a meta perspective the premise of that film actually had a lot of good ideas it's just that they weren't used very well, from the characterization right down to the overall narrative of the film's story; then of course there was the marketing campaign and the campaign outright insulting it's potential audience that "They're sexist if they don't like it" just before the film's release... and inevitable flop! Now bare in mind, that movie flopped not because of "diversity," and even if "diversity" was to blame it's only to an extent, the real reason why it failed was because of how the marketing exposited on how it was "diverse" as well as the over all film just not being that good at all. But like I said the film did still have a lot of good ideas going for it, including a female Ghostbusters team, it's just that they weren't used very well. That said, on the tv side of things there are shows that push for diversity and are actually successful, shows like Avatar, Steven Universe, My Little Pony, and Star vs the Forces of Evil are some very obvious examples; pushing for diversity IS a good thing, the only reason why some (if not most) people think it isn't is because of poor campaigning prior to a product's launch, particularly based on vague or pretentious hind sight that either doesn't offer much detail on said product or how it will approach said diversity, as is the case with the recent trailer of "High Guardian Spice," which isn't really a trailer so much as a production sneak peek so already it's been sending vague messages, and it doesn't really "force" diversity so much as just exposit on it's supposed diversity. So yeah I can understand certain criticisms in those regards... BUT then we have problems from the opposite extreme, as I already said before. As of late there has been a lot of toxic reception towards minority characters or even minority actors portraying said characters, and yes they do come off as sexist, racist, and even queerphobic, and simply using phrases like "SJW," Snowflake," Leftists," white genocide" or "cuck" that I dare would not use for standards of decency do not in anyway help their cases; in face phrases like those can practically be taken directly from the Alt-Right dictionary, as I have been docking down from various right-wing themed videos from across youtube by people like Black Pigeon Speaks, Andy Warski, and Aydin Paladin, right next to using "Autistic" as another phrase for "retarded."(which is a word I dare not want to use btw, but I had to so you know which word exactly) In fact of all the phrases, let's talk about the phrase, "Forced Diversity" shall we?! Just like with SJW or Snowflake or Tumblrina, using the term "forced diversity" as a means of bashing a product is also just another Far-Right dog whistling, however unlike the other aforementioned dog whistles that method of pejorative slang is a lot harder to come to grips with because based on mismanaged campaigning in some products it actually sounds much more reasonable, but like all those other dog whistles though it only sounds reasonable until you look more into it yourself and start rethinking about it. In fact here's something profound, maybe forcing diversity can actually be a good thing; now bare with me I did not say that forcing diversity IS a good thing... but it can be, and here's why-- Pushing for more diversity, particularly if you are a creator of a certain product, because it can actually force you to be more creative about how you want to approach a character based on a certain identity; and it can also be a positive for other people who really don't know too much about minorities; more often than not they'll see "we get it" but the surface is only skin deep, there is more to a minority character than just their ethnicity, orientation, gender, religion, or any other cultural background on the surface, while you probably shouldn't be too preachy about that person's personal identity, that identity on the other hand can be beneficial to building that character as well as coming to grips with what it's like for that individual to grow up and live based on that inherent background. Of course you could just leave it as just a trait, but it can go hand in hand with other characteristics to help make that character connect more with the audience be they of that same background or not; so like writing a story with a beginning, middle and end, pushing for diversity in your character roster is also a creator's equivalent to going to the gym, because it helps them to learn more about other people and be more creative in writing your story and fleshing out your character. But if this pattern of vague and pretentious campaigning and following failures for a product do continue then both general public (particularly if most of them aren't a minority) and the higher ups of the entertainment industry will start to think that pushing for diversity is marketing poisoning; and eventually they'll give up diversity altogether... and I for one do NOT want that to happen. I do want diversity, I want more representation of minority figures in entertainment media, especially as a means of educating the non-minority majority (an oxymoron I know) and pushing back bigotry or insensitive bias' altogether. Again I understand criticizing a product for being preachy, or how the campaign for that product is being preachy, but if you simply think a minority character, or a character who is portrayed by a minority performer/creator is a problem, or if the idea of diversity in itself is too political, particularly if you use "diversity" or "sjw" as dirty words, then I'm sorry but you're the one doing the shoehorning a vindictive political agenda, an agenda that practically says "the portrayal of minority characters or involvement of minority performers and creators is what upsets me!"

I know that's not how every non-minority individual who criticizes something thinks, particularly if a character in that product based on their non-majority background is poorly written, although it does seem contradictory to how a poorly written minority character is often associated with "forced diversity" and as "proof" as to why it's bad by those in the majority, while a poorly written majority character doesn't receive similar scorn by either minorities or majority groups. :/ 

Like I said, I know not everyone in the majority who criticizes something is racist, sexist, queerphobic, or religiously or culturally intolerant, but looking back on Youtube conservatives are mainly invested in minority characters and performing individuals getting as little representation or general screen time as possible, be it in movies, television, video games, and especially in comic books; that's why some "critics" of Steven Universe, the recent Star Wars movies, or the upcoming She-Ra series, (when it's not even out yet mind you) as well as a number of superhero comics be they from DC, Marvel or otherwise would pretend that anything like those is trying to push some "Anti-StraightWhiteMale agenda" or start hand-wringing about a matriarchy, especially if this kind of motivational stigma is revealed through the fact they almost always sugarcoat their bias with neo-reactionary right-wing buzzwords like again "Forced Diversity" or of course "SJW;" a term that of course initially was used as an ironic insult, but has over time become so synonymous with actual bigots that it's practically unironic and is basically a billboard that says "I'm an idiot and I don't know what I'm actually talking about!"

If you have the time btw, I encourage you to watch this video by ContraPoints titled "Decrypting the Alt-Right", as she nearly perfectly illustrates alt-right dog whistling and how you can determine who is a bigot based on them.

Now does that excuse campaigns or even creative teams directly for how they handle showcasing diversity?! No, of course not, especially if they don't do it very well... which is the real friggin problem!! (as well as feeble minded dog whistling of course)

All the same, I'm always looking for more diversity and representation as long as it's good, especially if it represents those characters in more complex ways a number of people still don't know about. So don't be afraid push for diversity, expand your horizons, learn more about other people, and even if anyone calls you out as an "SJW"... eh, don't worry about it, heck if anything you can just take "social justice warrior" as a compliment since they're basically saying you're a "warrior of justice." Or you know, you can just shrug off and ignore them. Either way at least you know you're doing something right. ;)

[acyborgkitty]

I just finished watching Jennifer Brea’s incredible documentary Unrest on Netflix. Watch it now. Everyone should. 

My story.

I became ill suddenly, and severely, in September (I think) of 2016. I had just moved to Providence in August from San Francisco, without my partner of 10+ years, to take a teaching job at Brown University. I was teaching a poetry workshop for Frequency Writers, a community writing group, as well as a class I developed for Brown’s Literary Arts department, Experimental Poets of Color. Providence is a city I love, and even though the gig was adjunct (i.e. no job security, no health insurance, etc.) I wanted to be in Providence, and I wanted to be teaching in my fiend. I had health insurance through the ACA at the time, and though I had been diagnosed with several mental illnesses many years before (major depression and general and social anxiety disorders) I felt that my hearth was well managed with the medication I was on. 

I was so happy to be back in Providence, I would walk for hours around the city, sometimes 7 miles in one stretch, listening to music and books. I was thrilled to be teaching the class I desperately wish I had been able to take at any point in my education (which includes three masters degrees), and to be nearer to my friends and family who live in Boston and the surrounding areas. I missed my partner, but we’ve been long distance for much of our relationship (the price of being an artist in academia), and it seemed like he was getting ready to leave San Francisco and head back east himself. 

It was the second meeting, I think, of the Frequency open poetry workshop. It was Wednesday night. I walked to the community gallery space on Carpenter St. where we held our meetings early, unlocked the doors, and made myself some tea. It was a normal night. At some point during the workshop I started to feel exhausted, sick, like I was getting a cold. I pushed through, but took a Lyft home. I woke up the next day and still felt bad. Worse, even. I cancelled that day’s class and stayed in bed. By the next week I still wasn’t feeling any better. I went to the CVS clinic to see if I had the flu, which was going around and apparently quite bad that year. I didn’t, I was told it was just a bad cold, and to take some cough suppressant for the bad cough. 

I thought maybe I wasn’t sleeping well - I was tired all the time - and maybe that was making the cold last longer than normal. I had had (undiagnosed) chronic pain for years which had started in 2007 in my first year in grad school. It was especially bad in my neck and lower back, so I had spent years and a lot of money finding a really good mattress. But I had housemates that were young, noisy, up late, so I invested in an eye mask, noise-cancelling headphones that I slept in, and a white noise machine. I had to teach my classes, but I would show up, teach, and come immediately back home and stay in bed until I had to teach the next class. I spent several weeks like this, thinking it was just a cold, until someone pointed out that colds, even very bad ones, don’t last for several weeks. 

I made an appointment with my primary care doctor in Boston. I’ve struggled finding doctors that take me seriously, like most women and non binary people I imagine, especially with chronic and challenging illnesses. This doctor listened to me, and was gentle, and that was pretty much all I could hope for. He examined me, and tested me for mono, strep, walking pneumonia (which I’d had before, and which was basically the closest comparable experience I had). I had none of them. Then we tested my thyroid, my B12 levels, and my immune functions. He found nothing wrong with me. 

A digression on chronic pain, including a digression on trauma.

I had gone down a diagnostic wormhole several years ago when I’d first started getting tests to see if we could find an underlying cause for my chronic pain. It started in Iowa City, where I did my second graduate degree, and included MRIs, x-rays, testing for immunological disorders, cancers, and basically anything they could think of. Eventually I was referred to a psychologist, because they determined my pain might be a physical manifestation of trauma. And I’d had my share of trauma.

A digression on trauma. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother who, though never diagnosed, meets all of the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. I ran away from home as a teenager, living on the streets for most of a year, before re-establishing a relationship with my family, primarily my father who helped me get an apartment, back into school, and eventually into college. At that point my mother re-entered the picture, and my father stopped helping me pay for college, so I worked sometimes as many as 5 jobs while completing my undergraduate degree. I met my partner in undergrad, and he has been an immense help for me in recovering from my trauma, but like so many who were experienced long-term abuse as children, I probably will never be un-affected by my experiences. 

So the trauma angle seemed at least plausible to me, and I went to a year’s worth of sessions with two different people, one a psychologist who specialized in and studied the manifestation of trauma as physical pain, and another who practiced CBT and meditative mindfulness therapy. Both helped immensely with my emotional state, but my pain persisted. So when I moved away for my third graduate degree (my first move to Providence) I transferred care and we started the diagnostics all over again. This time I saved all my records - I have my MRIs and my X-rays still in some box somewhere. We did CAT scans and I went to scores of specialists including  an orthopedic surgeon who recommended surgery; a chiropractor who works with the Boston Ballet Company who diagnosed me as hyper-flexible and gave me strengthening exercises to do that actually seemed to help somewhat; and a neurologist who found nothing wrong with me at all. After four years of referrals and diagnostics, I found a integrative care physician who listened to me break down in her office, prescribed an anti-depressant that is also a sedative to help me fall asleep, and helped me come up with a plan to manage the pain. Massage, chiropractor, walking and stretching, the anti-depressants, 800mg Ibuprofen when I needed it, and Vicodin when nothing else helped. 

After all of this, I wasn’t eager to go down another diagnostic chase. 

Back to 2016.

By this point it was the middle of November. I was so sick that I couldn’t feed myself, I couldn’t do laundry, I couldn’t leave the house except for to teach, and then I spent the next 24-48 hours recovering mostly in bed from the fatigue it caused me. I was experiencing sever cognitive deficiencies, most notably my ability to process and retain information, and my ability to speak. It felt like I had dementia, or what I imagine dementia to feel like. I would read the same sentence over and over again and not understand it, or not remember it when I started the next one. I would fight to get up to go into the kitchen, only to forget what I was there for. Did I need water? Had I fed the cat? Did I need to use the bathroom? My father and brother were taking turns coming down to my house to prepare food for me for the week, and to get my groceries, and to do my laundry. I needed help with everything. I could do one, maybe two things in a given day. Those things included brushing my teeth and feeding the cat. 

I couldn’t even research my condition, given my cognitive symptoms. I was angry, and many days I felt like it would be better to die. I couldn’t read or write, so I took up embroidery as a way to try to keep my life worth living, a way to keep making art. 

In January, 2017 when my partner came to visit for his winter break, we went to my doctor together. I couldn’t remember the questions he wanted me to ask, and I couldn’t have remembered the answers anyway, and I certainly couldn’t get myself there and back without help, so him coming was the only way I was going to get there. I don’t remember much of the appointment, but I do remember my doctor suggested that I might be experiencing a severe prolonged depressive episode. Based on my previous diagnosis of depression. Based on the fact that there seemed to be nothing wrong with me, physically. 

My partner didn’t buy it. I sort of did, or at least I didn’t have the energy to dispute it. My partner started researching, aggressively, and a few months later he came up with something. Maybe, he said, it was my copper IUD. Maybe I had copper toxicity. My doctor said that was impossible, that the IUD can’t cause copper toxicity, but my symptoms aligned, and there are thousands of women on the internet who have experienced copper poisoning from their IUD. So one day in April, my best friend took me to the hospital and I had mine removed. The next day, I felt better. Not 100% better, but maybe 40% better. The next day my partner and I went for a walk, the first time in almost a year I had felt able to do that. 

I kept feeling better. Not getting better, but I stayed feeling about 40% better. A few days I felt almost entirely myself, but then the next day I would be exhausted again. I could do things, but if I pushed too hard, I would collapse and pay for it for days. I learned about spoons, and disability culture and activism. I learned about setting my limits, and prioritizing. I said no to almost everything, because almost nothing was worth the risk of incapacitation for me. 

My brain started to recover too - I could read. I started writing in my journal, not poetry but at least writing of some sort. I felt hopeful that I was recovering. We bought a house, a big old Victorian that needs TLC, and I moved in there with 4 other queer artist friends. I didn’t get the tenure-track job at Brown, but I did get another adjunct offer to teach Book Arts, and I accepted - something I definitely couldn’t have done at my sickest, given that it’s a 15-hr a week studio course. 

But now, a year post-removal, my memory is still a problem. And I still get exhausted a lot. A lot more than I used to, before I got sick. But the anecdotal evidence on the copper IUD detox forums says that it could take years to fully process the toxicity out of your system. The most severe days might be attributed to “dumps” - when the body releases stored copper all at once - and those days feel like my worst ones did when I was at my sickest. I had thought that when I felt better, I would start to do things again, go to poetry readings, have dinner with friends, go for walks, be part of the community I’d moved here because I loved. But I still say no to most things, or write them down in my calendar and don’t go. I know that if I push too hard, I’ll pay for it for days. And “too hard” is a moving target - it changes seemingly randomly, and I don’t know when I’m approaching it until it’s too late. Then I’m in bed for days. 

I’ve been having an especially bad few days. Maybe a week. Maybe more. My memory, my brain isn’t good at sequence anymore, or keeping track of time. It’s frustrating, because I can’t keep track of my own symptoms. Sometimes I remember to write them down, and sometimes I forget, or am too tired. And there’s no one here to watch me, or help me - my partner doesn’t move here until June. Today, for example, I got up at 11 and I fed the cats. And I was so tired that I lay down, and just...passed out. I don’t remember falling back asleep, but then I woke up at 6 pm. I fed the cats again, and then had to go back to bed. The last week has been similar: do just what is necessary, then back to bed. It feels like I’m sick all over again. 

I have had my period, which can be associated with copper dumps. I’m not saying it’s not copper “dumps,” or that it’s isn’t related to copper poisoning. But I watched Unrest and thought: “maybe this is what I have, too?” So many of those scenes were heartbreakingly familiar. I wept through most of it, because Jennifer was saying the things that I’d been feeling. About feeling like it was a good day when all I had done was survived it. About feeling like my life had ended, and that I had a new one now, one that sometimes didn’t feel like a life at all, but one that I still didn’t want to give up. About not being listened to, about not being believed. I wept at the thought of having a diagnosis, after all this time. Of maybe finally at least knowing what is wrong with me. Maybe.

But I don’t know how to find out. I don’t currently have health insurance, because the premium on my ACA policy from last year went up by 50% and I couldn’t afford it anymore, and adjuncts at Brown who teach fewer than 4 classes a year don’t get health insurance, and I’m only teaching 3, and I am barely able to do that; this semester teaching 2 classes took every bit of energy I had. I will get health insurance starting in September when my partner starts his new job in Providence, and maybe then I can get some answers. If I have the energy for it.

My story doesn’t have an ending yet. I’m in bed, as I have been all day. Writing this was the most writing I’ve done since I got sick. I’m grateful for that. It feels like, thanks to the work that Jennifer has done, an important story is at least starting to be told. Not just mine, but one that is shared by millions. 

[johnboothus]

11 Years of Untappd: How One App Gamified the Relentless Pursuit of Novelty

On Jan. 20, Gregory Avola announced he was stepping down as chief creative officer of Untappd, the online beer platform he helped found and then actively ran for a decade. This, Avola writes, is driven by a lifestyle change, and he will remain at Untappd’s parent company, Next Glass, as executive advisor. As when software developer Next Glass purchased Untappd in 2016, and then joined it with newer purchase Beer Advocate in 2020, this update is stirring up conversation and reflection on Untappd’s impact on beer culture.

Such reflection yields a mixed bag. In the 11 years since it launched, Untappd has facilitated a wider-reaching community in beer. It’s helped users find beers they otherwise wouldn’t, and, therefore, has helped breweries reach new customers. Some, however, feel that Untappd has fueled “ticker culture,” and that its rating system is a breeding ground for biased, baseless ratings that only favor hype beers and often hurt breweries. Beer’s relationship with Untappd might be complicated, but Untappd’s role has proven undeniably significant.

Foursquare for Beer

Avola created Untappd with Tim Mather in 2010. Perhaps surprisingly, he wasn’t all that into beer when he started working on the app.

“My main interest was in communities and building social platforms to connect people in different ways,” he tells me in a recent call. Avola and Mather used Foursquare as a model — which the press ran with — but, as Avola puts it, with more focus on what those check-ins could do. “No one cares if you’re checking in at a grocery store,” he says. “But people checking in at bars, saying what they’re drinking, that starts connecting people across the globe.”

Avola wanted to take the inherent social aspect of craft beer and grow it online. At the time, there were only BeerAdvocate and RateBeer, both representing an older generation in beer. Untappd arrived at the party hot on the heels of IPAs becoming a thing people traveled and waited in hours-long lines for, a ready and willing platform for drinkers to discover, share, swap info, and, by checking in that they were at those hype breweries drinking those hype beers, brag. In a way, and as was Avola’s intention, Untappd became a wide-scale, virtual tasting room where beer geeks could talk shop but, coming from different cities and even countries instead of different barstools, they could introduce each other to new brews. Avola says that at the time he was living in New York City and learned what Fat Tire was when Mather, living on the West Coast, checked it in.

The Next Generation of Beer Raters

Whereas BeerAdvocate’s pages were filled with long, thoughtful beer reviews, Untappd catered to a generation of beer drinkers that was always on to the next and wanting an app to keep up. This is why Untappd is credited with — or blamed for — “ticker culture.” After all, while Untappd was still in its infancy, The Alchemist was able to survive closing its brewpub after Hurricane Irene by pumping Heady Topper out of its production brewery. There’s no telling if this could have happened had Untappd been in its prime, fueling beer seekers to move on in search of a hot IPA they hadn’t already tried. Indeed, within a few years, the script had flipped. How to be a beer nerd went from having a discerning dedication to select brews to relentlessly trying every new beer released. The proof of your beer cred was in your Untappd portfolio, where millions of fellow users could marvel at the sheer breadth of hype beers you’d checked in.

“Ticker culture represents an emphasis on breadth of experience over depth,” says Alex Kidd, of Don’t Drink Beer. “The pour sizes seem to diminish, the style ratings seem to be heavily skewed as a result, and the check-ins seem to be a system of accomplishments predicated on consumption over contemplation.”

At best, it could be argued, ticker culture catalyzes beer sales by keeping drinkers motivated with the thrill of the hunt. At worst, it can be an arrow through the heart of brewers’ ability to create and diversify their offerings, since the haziest IPAs, slushiest sours, and most candy-packed pastry stouts are going to win ticks every time over a loving homage to an English mild. This can also hurt beer sales for breweries on an individual basis, if they decide to commit the cardinal sin of making the same beers and therefore lose luster in the eyes of tick-seekers.

“I don’t want to be an old crank who decries ticker culture, but I really can’t imagine what positive impact it could have on anything,” says beer writer Will Gordon. “The most obvious downside,” Gordon continues, is too many people “stumbling around juggling flights and phones in their mad dash to overrate beers that are either too sweet or too sour.”

“Ticker culture is negative, full stop,” says Gage Siegel, founder of Brooklyn’s Non Sequitur Beer Project, citing people buying cases of beer just to flip and festival-goers trying to cram in 100 different beer pours in three-hour time slots as less-than-ideal results. “Ticker culture certainly doesn’t start or end with Untappd, but I’d say they did a lot to normalize it [and] make it easier to participate in.”

An Inevitable Evolution in How Drinkers Engage With Craft Beer

The ticker-culture discussion never happens without mentioning Untappd, but it’s important to clarify: The app did not create ticker culture. It has aided what could be considered human nature in an industry exponentially exploding with new options every year. One could get bogged down in a chicken-or-egg quandary: Do breweries continuously push the envelope to meet the demand of tick-hungry Untappd users, or are tick-hungry Untappd users tripping over themselves to keep up with the constant deluge of hop innovations and wacky adjuncts? It’s a two-way street, and Untappd provides the platform for everyone to talk about it.

“Untappd serviced ticker culture, but I feel comfortable saying it would have happened anyway,” says beer and spirits journalist and author Tara Nurin. “Across any number of industries … younger generations are more peripatetic. … It’s about what’s next, what’s new, and that plays out very profoundly in beer.” Nurin has mixed feelings about the way Untappd has arguably “gamified” beer. On one hand, it’s a great push for people to try new things. On the other, it could disincentivize people revisiting brews.

“I do think the novelty effect can be harmful to breweries,” says beer writer Carla Jean Lauter. “The pressures of ‘newness’ have led to some of the proliferation of extremely similar beers (e.g., having eight IPAs on tap at once) to try to give something new, rather than to just provide the best.”

Subjective and Unqualified: How Ratings Affect Breweries

Whichever side of the fence one falls in the ticker culture debate, one specific aspect of Untappd’s rating system that helps propel it is especially murky: the subjectivity. Even the industry insiders we spoke with who generally like the app acknowledged that the ratings are far from uniformly trustworthy. Many users skip actually commenting on their beers in favor of punching a number of “caps,” from zero to five. These ratings are obviously completely personal and often offer no explanation, yet, as Siegel points out, they’re considered by beer buyers at stores and bars as well as consumers weighing their beer options. The problem is, what a “3” or a “4.5” means can vary wildly from one person to the next. There’s no agreed-upon metric.

“I’ve just never put faith in numeric ratings of beer,” Lauter says. “In Untappd’s case, there’s also the twist that many people for a long time treated the reviews as their own personal tastes. ‘If I don’t like pineapple on pizza, and I order a pineapple pizza, I give it one star just to remind myself: Yep, still don’t like that.’”

The range of expertise among Untappd’s millions of users may range from from zero to cicerone, but on average, these ratings aren’t coming from people with beer-judging criteria. In some cases, this can be great, as it levels the playing field for anyone who’s enthusiastic about beer. It can be not so great but harmless if you remember to take rankings with a grain of salt. Or, it can do a bit of damage to some breweries.

“Some people develop an over-inflated sense of self because of their amount of check-ins, and they think this makes them some sort of expert despite the fact that they have no formal beer education,” says Paulina Olivares, Sacramento Pink Boots Society chapter leader, who notes that this issue isn’t exclusive to Untappd. Olivares says she’s stopped rating beers on Untappd unless it’s a “5.”

Of course, subjectivity as a concept also isn’t something Untappd created, but for all of its positive features, the app has become such an authority, and the microphone it therefore gives to biased, careless, and/or ungrounded opinions can now in some cases actually affect whether a brewery’s beer makes it onto shelves. A beer might not get a high rating from the Untappd masses because it isn’t hazy or dank enough, even if that wasn’t the brewer’s intention, and many retail outlets take those ratings into consideration. They could therefore decide against selling what could be a perfectly great beer. And this can create pressure on breweries to stick to what lights up the ratings board on Untappd.

As Avola points out in our call, this is rating culture. It happens with everything from restaurants to dry cleaners on Yelp. And yes, it even happens to Untappd itself in the form of one-star, “this-app-sucks” reviews in app stores based on one-off experiences with little context. Avola says he understands that it’s frustrating for breweries to see their beers rated poorly, beers they put a lot of effort into. These subjective rankings, though, are a by-product of Untappd’s main goal to help people share what they’re finding and drinking. The downsides of this are something Avola says really can’t be policed, but that he hopes can be mended as Untappd continues to evolve.

A Platform for Visibility, Discovery, and Nostalgia

On the flip side of the biased ratings are some of Untappd’s key tenets. There is community on a global scale, more relevant now than ever as most beer drinking is done at home, and poised to only become more crucial as beer culture and even beer retail grow online. There is increased visibility, discovery, and access between users and breweries.

Plus, as many users report, Untappd is a helpful tool for tracking one’s own beers: It’s less about a rating for others to see, and more about actually being able to organize and remember brews you loved and brews you didn’t love. This becomes increasingly helpful as the number of options in craft beer only grows and styles bloom into sub-styles and hybrids year after year.

“I do feel like more and more people are using it just to keep track of what they’ve drank versus tracking ratings,” says beer Instagrammer Valerie Delligatti, who appreciates being able to remember what she’s sampled from breweries to (pre-pandemic) bottle shares.

This is even a helpful professional tool, as beer writers can track and sort brews they try and report on, something beer writer and “former semi-professional blackjack player” Mike Pomranz values, noting that even if it weren’t free, he’d pay Untappd for this feature. Checking in beers creates your own library to refer back to whenever needed. “When I check in beers … I am thinking about what I’ll want to know later,” Pomranz says. “So, someone asks me for a good IPA in Arizona. Well, I haven’t been there in a while, but I can filter IPAs produced in Arizona and then sort those by rating, and then read my notes and boom, I have the perfect beer ready to go.”

This also creates a sort of scrapbook for craft beer lovers. “I personally love the nostalgia of looking back and remembering where [I was] when I had a certain beer,” says craft beer drinker and wellness coach Amanda Steele. “That’s kind of my favorite thing about Untappd.”

Beyond this core tracking function, Nurin notes that by the same token as Untappd possibly deterring users from returning to beers in favor of trying new finds, it can just as easily be a conduit for users to remember beers they love. While we spoke, she scrolled through her feed and found promos poised to remind users that a beer they loved once is on sale, or a bar they forgot about is doing a great happy hour. Speak with enough users and it becomes clear: Untappd has definitely, if inadvertently, provided a stage for ticker culture and its disadvantages for breweries. But it’s also achieved its goal of creating a virtual community for beer drinkers, and it’s proven itself quite the handy tool for tracking a whole wide world of beers.

The Future of Untappd

All that remains is to see how Untappd continues to evolve, especially in this new, increasingly online chapter, and how beer culture will evolve alongside it. One safe bet is on Untappd increasing its attention to international markets: In 2020, the app saw growth in European cities where it saw declines in the U.S.

In December, Next Glass also acquired digital beer magazine and event producer Hop Culture; according to Hop Culture founder and now creative director at Next Glass Kenny Gould, we’ll be seeing further integration of Next Glass acquisitions Untappd, Hop Culture, Oznr, and Beer Advocate, playing to the unique contributions each of these has made to beer culture. “I think we’ll continue to see the development of a digital craft beer community,” Gould says, “with more content, sales, and connections happening online.”

The article 11 Years of Untappd: How One App Gamified the Relentless Pursuit of Novelty appeared first on VinePair.

Via https://vinepair.com/articles/untapped-impact-craft-beer/

source https://vinology1.weebly.com/blog/11-years-of-untappd-how-one-app-gamified-the-relentless-pursuit-of-novelty

[wineanddinosaur]

11 Years of Untappd: How One App Gamified the Relentless Pursuit of Novelty

On Jan. 20, Gregory Avola announced he was stepping down as chief creative officer of Untappd, the online beer platform he helped found and then actively ran for a decade. This, Avola writes, is driven by a lifestyle change, and he will remain at Untappd’s parent company, Next Glass, as executive advisor. As when software developer Next Glass purchased Untappd in 2016, and then joined it with newer purchase Beer Advocate in 2020, this update is stirring up conversation and reflection on Untappd’s impact on beer culture.

Such reflection yields a mixed bag. In the 11 years since it launched, Untappd has facilitated a wider-reaching community in beer. It’s helped users find beers they otherwise wouldn’t, and, therefore, has helped breweries reach new customers. Some, however, feel that Untappd has fueled “ticker culture,” and that its rating system is a breeding ground for biased, baseless ratings that only favor hype beers and often hurt breweries. Beer’s relationship with Untappd might be complicated, but Untappd’s role has proven undeniably significant.

Foursquare for Beer

Avola created Untappd with Tim Mather in 2010. Perhaps surprisingly, he wasn’t all that into beer when he started working on the app.

“My main interest was in communities and building social platforms to connect people in different ways,” he tells me in a recent call. Avola and Mather used Foursquare as a model — which the press ran with — but, as Avola puts it, with more focus on what those check-ins could do. “No one cares if you’re checking in at a grocery store,” he says. “But people checking in at bars, saying what they’re drinking, that starts connecting people across the globe.”

Avola wanted to take the inherent social aspect of craft beer and grow it online. At the time, there were only BeerAdvocate and RateBeer, both representing an older generation in beer. Untappd arrived at the party hot on the heels of IPAs becoming a thing people traveled and waited in hours-long lines for, a ready and willing platform for drinkers to discover, share, swap info, and, by checking in that they were at those hype breweries drinking those hype beers, brag. In a way, and as was Avola’s intention, Untappd became a wide-scale, virtual tasting room where beer geeks could talk shop but, coming from different cities and even countries instead of different barstools, they could introduce each other to new brews. Avola says that at the time he was living in New York City and learned what Fat Tire was when Mather, living on the West Coast, checked it in.

The Next Generation of Beer Raters

Whereas BeerAdvocate’s pages were filled with long, thoughtful beer reviews, Untappd catered to a generation of beer drinkers that was always on to the next and wanting an app to keep up. This is why Untappd is credited with — or blamed for — “ticker culture.” After all, while Untappd was still in its infancy, The Alchemist was able to survive closing its brewpub after Hurricane Irene by pumping Heady Topper out of its production brewery. There’s no telling if this could have happened had Untappd been in its prime, fueling beer seekers to move on in search of a hot IPA they hadn’t already tried. Indeed, within a few years, the script had flipped. How to be a beer nerd went from having a discerning dedication to select brews to relentlessly trying every new beer released. The proof of your beer cred was in your Untappd portfolio, where millions of fellow users could marvel at the sheer breadth of hype beers you’d checked in.

“Ticker culture represents an emphasis on breadth of experience over depth,” says Alex Kidd, of Don’t Drink Beer. “The pour sizes seem to diminish, the style ratings seem to be heavily skewed as a result, and the check-ins seem to be a system of accomplishments predicated on consumption over contemplation.”

At best, it could be argued, ticker culture catalyzes beer sales by keeping drinkers motivated with the thrill of the hunt. At worst, it can be an arrow through the heart of brewers’ ability to create and diversify their offerings, since the haziest IPAs, slushiest sours, and most candy-packed pastry stouts are going to win ticks every time over a loving homage to an English mild. This can also hurt beer sales for breweries on an individual basis, if they decide to commit the cardinal sin of making the same beers and therefore lose luster in the eyes of tick-seekers.

“I don’t want to be an old crank who decries ticker culture, but I really can’t imagine what positive impact it could have on anything,” says beer writer Will Gordon. “The most obvious downside,” Gordon continues, is too many people “stumbling around juggling flights and phones in their mad dash to overrate beers that are either too sweet or too sour.”

“Ticker culture is negative, full stop,” says Gage Siegel, founder of Brooklyn’s Non Sequitur Beer Project, citing people buying cases of beer just to flip and festival-goers trying to cram in 100 different beer pours in three-hour time slots as less-than-ideal results. “Ticker culture certainly doesn’t start or end with Untappd, but I’d say they did a lot to normalize it [and] make it easier to participate in.”

An Inevitable Evolution in How Drinkers Engage With Craft Beer

The ticker-culture discussion never happens without mentioning Untappd, but it’s important to clarify: The app did not create ticker culture. It has aided what could be considered human nature in an industry exponentially exploding with new options every year. One could get bogged down in a chicken-or-egg quandary: Do breweries continuously push the envelope to meet the demand of tick-hungry Untappd users, or are tick-hungry Untappd users tripping over themselves to keep up with the constant deluge of hop innovations and wacky adjuncts? It’s a two-way street, and Untappd provides the platform for everyone to talk about it.

“Untappd serviced ticker culture, but I feel comfortable saying it would have happened anyway,” says beer and spirits journalist and author Tara Nurin. “Across any number of industries … younger generations are more peripatetic. … It’s about what’s next, what’s new, and that plays out very profoundly in beer.” Nurin has mixed feelings about the way Untappd has arguably “gamified” beer. On one hand, it’s a great push for people to try new things. On the other, it could disincentivize people revisiting brews.

“I do think the novelty effect can be harmful to breweries,” says beer writer Carla Jean Lauter. “The pressures of ‘newness’ have led to some of the proliferation of extremely similar beers (e.g., having eight IPAs on tap at once) to try to give something new, rather than to just provide the best.”

Subjective and Unqualified: How Ratings Affect Breweries

Whichever side of the fence one falls in the ticker culture debate, one specific aspect of Untappd’s rating system that helps propel it is especially murky: the subjectivity. Even the industry insiders we spoke with who generally like the app acknowledged that the ratings are far from uniformly trustworthy. Many users skip actually commenting on their beers in favor of punching a number of “caps,” from zero to five. These ratings are obviously completely personal and often offer no explanation, yet, as Siegel points out, they’re considered by beer buyers at stores and bars as well as consumers weighing their beer options. The problem is, what a “3” or a “4.5” means can vary wildly from one person to the next. There’s no agreed-upon metric.

“I’ve just never put faith in numeric ratings of beer,” Lauter says. “In Untappd’s case, there’s also the twist that many people for a long time treated the reviews as their own personal tastes. ‘If I don’t like pineapple on pizza, and I order a pineapple pizza, I give it one star just to remind myself: Yep, still don’t like that.’”

The range of expertise among Untappd’s millions of users may range from from zero to cicerone, but on average, these ratings aren’t coming from people with beer-judging criteria. In some cases, this can be great, as it levels the playing field for anyone who’s enthusiastic about beer. It can be not so great but harmless if you remember to take rankings with a grain of salt. Or, it can do a bit of damage to some breweries.

“Some people develop an over-inflated sense of self because of their amount of check-ins, and they think this makes them some sort of expert despite the fact that they have no formal beer education,” says Paulina Olivares, Sacramento Pink Boots Society chapter leader, who notes that this issue isn’t exclusive to Untappd. Olivares says she’s stopped rating beers on Untappd unless it’s a “5.”

Of course, subjectivity as a concept also isn’t something Untappd created, but for all of its positive features, the app has become such an authority, and the microphone it therefore gives to biased, careless, and/or ungrounded opinions can now in some cases actually affect whether a brewery’s beer makes it onto shelves. A beer might not get a high rating from the Untappd masses because it isn’t hazy or dank enough, even if that wasn’t the brewer’s intention, and many retail outlets take those ratings into consideration. They could therefore decide against selling what could be a perfectly great beer. And this can create pressure on breweries to stick to what lights up the ratings board on Untappd.

As Avola points out in our call, this is rating culture. It happens with everything from restaurants to dry cleaners on Yelp. And yes, it even happens to Untappd itself in the form of one-star, “this-app-sucks” reviews in app stores based on one-off experiences with little context. Avola says he understands that it’s frustrating for breweries to see their beers rated poorly, beers they put a lot of effort into. These subjective rankings, though, are a by-product of Untappd’s main goal to help people share what they’re finding and drinking. The downsides of this are something Avola says really can’t be policed, but that he hopes can be mended as Untappd continues to evolve.

A Platform for Visibility, Discovery, and Nostalgia

On the flip side of the biased ratings are some of Untappd’s key tenets. There is community on a global scale, more relevant now than ever as most beer drinking is done at home, and poised to only become more crucial as beer culture and even beer retail grow online. There is increased visibility, discovery, and access between users and breweries.

Plus, as many users report, Untappd is a helpful tool for tracking one’s own beers: It’s less about a rating for others to see, and more about actually being able to organize and remember brews you loved and brews you didn’t love. This becomes increasingly helpful as the number of options in craft beer only grows and styles bloom into sub-styles and hybrids year after year.

“I do feel like more and more people are using it just to keep track of what they’ve drank versus tracking ratings,” says beer Instagrammer Valerie Delligatti, who appreciates being able to remember what she’s sampled from breweries to (pre-pandemic) bottle shares.

This is even a helpful professional tool, as beer writers can track and sort brews they try and report on, something beer writer and “former semi-professional blackjack player” Mike Pomranz values, noting that even if it weren’t free, he’d pay Untappd for this feature. Checking in beers creates your own library to refer back to whenever needed. “When I check in beers … I am thinking about what I’ll want to know later,” Pomranz says. “So, someone asks me for a good IPA in Arizona. Well, I haven’t been there in a while, but I can filter IPAs produced in Arizona and then sort those by rating, and then read my notes and boom, I have the perfect beer ready to go.”

This also creates a sort of scrapbook for craft beer lovers. “I personally love the nostalgia of looking back and remembering where [I was] when I had a certain beer,” says craft beer drinker and wellness coach Amanda Steele. “That’s kind of my favorite thing about Untappd.”

Beyond this core tracking function, Nurin notes that by the same token as Untappd possibly deterring users from returning to beers in favor of trying new finds, it can just as easily be a conduit for users to remember beers they love. While we spoke, she scrolled through her feed and found promos poised to remind users that a beer they loved once is on sale, or a bar they forgot about is doing a great happy hour. Speak with enough users and it becomes clear: Untappd has definitely, if inadvertently, provided a stage for ticker culture and its disadvantages for breweries. But it’s also achieved its goal of creating a virtual community for beer drinkers, and it’s proven itself quite the handy tool for tracking a whole wide world of beers.

The Future of Untappd

All that remains is to see how Untappd continues to evolve, especially in this new, increasingly online chapter, and how beer culture will evolve alongside it. One safe bet is on Untappd increasing its attention to international markets: In 2020, the app saw growth in European cities where it saw declines in the U.S.

In December, Next Glass also acquired digital beer magazine and event producer Hop Culture; according to Hop Culture founder and now creative director at Next Glass Kenny Gould, we’ll be seeing further integration of Next Glass acquisitions Untappd, Hop Culture, Oznr, and Beer Advocate, playing to the unique contributions each of these has made to beer culture. “I think we’ll continue to see the development of a digital craft beer community,” Gould says, “with more content, sales, and connections happening online.”

The article 11 Years of Untappd: How One App Gamified the Relentless Pursuit of Novelty appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/untapped-impact-craft-beer/

[iamliberalartsgt]

Hannah Corpe Introductory Post

I’ve been into history since I was in the first grade in 2003. I know that sounds extra, and that’s how everybody starts introductory blogs, but it’s true. One of my older sisters did a book report on Mary, Bloody Mary by Carolyn Meyer and left the book lying around, and I picked it up and was instantly hooked. This started me on a passion for the history of Tudor England specifically, but also a fascination with how things used to be and how they had changed in the intervening centuries between now and “a long time ago”.

At first, history was just a hobby, a class I excelled in and was interested by, but nothing more. Then in 9th grade, I saw quote from Stephen King, saying that a real author reads 70-80 books per year. Since being an author had been the ambition of my tender heart since before I knew how to write (I actually got in trouble several times for “writing” when I was in pre-k, since my “writing” at the time was just scribbling lines of loops in the perfectly nice journals I had been given for practicing the alphabet) I thought, I should give that a try. I pretty quickly ran out of YA that I found compelling, and so I moved on to historical fiction, remembering how interesting I had always found different time periods. Shortly even that wasn’t enough, and I began to read more scholarly works of historical nonfiction to find out more about my favorite subjects. By the time I was in 11th grade (2013) I knew that I wanted history to figure prominently in my higher education.

I knew that I wanted my future to involve a well-paid job without many extra years of schooling beyond undergrad, so it seemed like a traditional liberal arts college was out of the question. But there was nothing that interested me as much or made me as happy as history, and nothing that made me feel as out of my depth as technology. Because my dad from graduated Tech (BSBio in 1976) and I had two sisters there at the time who have since graduated (both BSBAs in 2016) and I’ve been going to Tech football games since before I really knew what football was, it made sense to at least check it out and see if I could picture myself happy in any of the majors.

That was when I hit across something that perfectly fit all of my requirements- the Ivan Allen College of Liberal Arts. I could study my history and learn about the things that interested me, but I could also learn other supporting skills that would help me get a job after graduation. All of my coursework would be geared towards relevance in the modern world without losing respect for the past. The IAC had a wealth of opportunities, from doing research with professors to being a college ambassador, and I would have access to all the resources of a large, well-funded state institute while still enjoying the small class sizes and close relationships with professors of a regular liberal arts college. Additionally, I would graduate with a Bachelor of Science, instead of a Bachelor of Arts, so I would be equally prepared for any path I wanted to take- if I wanted a job in a humanities field, my coursework would speak for itself, and if I wanted a job in any different field, having a BS would clearly demonstrate that I had been well trained in the rigorous STEM courses expected of a Bachelor of Science. And as an added bonus, the History, Technology, and Society major had the most free credits of any major in the school, making it easy for me to pursue anything from a double major to a certificate as well as possible to continue participating in band and orchestra, programs I have enjoyed since my early adolescence.

When I packed up and moved to campus and got ready for my first semester, I didn’t know just how many amazing opportunities I would have. I’ve been able to participate in the research option, and write an entire paper about the Tudors, which I presented at the most recent regional history conference. I’ve become one of the Ivan Allen College Ambassadors, and the vast array of skills I’ve learned from helping coordinate volunteers at our Shadow Day recruitment events and hosting information sessions have helped me become a more effective student and to stay calm (or calmer anyway!)  in high-pressure situations. Those skills also translated well to working part-time while also taking classes in the Office of Enrollment and Student Affairs for almost a year. I founded a club (the History and Sociology Club) and was inducted to Phi Alpha Theta, the national history honor society. I’ve taken classes that have impacted my worldview like European Intellectual History and the History of Disease and Medicine, and classes that greatly developed my understanding of subjects I previously thought I knew a lot about, like the Classical Tradition, and the Science, Politics, and Culture of Nazi Germany. I’ve had a chance to learn from teachers who are some of the foremost subject experts in their field. It’s also been possible for me to get a certificate in Information Technology Management from the Scheller College of Business, which helped me get my current internship with IBM, and to remain a member of the Yellow Jacket Marching Band and become a brother of KKPsi, the national honorary band service fraternity.

These experiences have really influenced my development from a teenager who was unsure of quite what she wanted to do but knew she wanted it to not involve chemistry or computers into an adult with aspirations to work full-time, and perhaps pursue a masters’ degree, in Cybersecurity Policy. My experiences at Georgia Tech as a whole, but specifically in the Ivan Allen College, have taught me that if there’s anything important to have in life, it’s the attitude that any problem, no matter how daunting, can be solved. Except for maybe chemistry I’m not gonna lie to you it’s the devil’s work.

As I enter my senior year, I’m looking forward to continuing to work part time, and giving more of my attention to my extracurricular activities. I still have one more year left, and I’m really excited to see how many new opportunities and experiences are waiting around the corner.

Note: the picture above is of me as Eleanor of Aquitaine at the HCon, hosted by the History and Sociology Club on Halloween. Featured also is the most prominent HTS major, Kayleigh Haskin, as a fabulous Boudicca. 

[earthconstructs]

Blog

I started a blog in July 2017, paid for a domain, did it up using Squarespace, made it super pretty. In 2017 I started focusing on improving my writing, and in my goal for 2018 was to become a better writer. 

In November 2018, I finished working at the Water Corporation after I had documented the “Kep Project”. My manager was acting in another manager’s role, and so an acting manager ended up signing off on my final report. I put a lot of effort into that report, I spent many evenings alone in the office trying to figure out if it was laid out well, clear to people who may be coming across the topic for the first time. I wonder if anyone will actually read it, or has, in the last two years.

The acting manager who was reviewing my report was known to be a stickler for detail, call out bad quality work, and be quite picky. She read my report, signed it off, and gave me feedback that it was written really well. And that was it for me - I had achieved my goal of being a being a better writer / writing better reports.

It’s funny how I needed the paid domain and blog back when I was working full time, and had a lot going on in my life, to motivate me to write. if I didn’t, then it would be like I was wasting the money I’d spent on it. 

But now it’s a huge expense. So I’m closing the blog, and keeping this free brain dump version of a blog. Where I just brain dump, without being strict on myself, and reading every post over and over and over again for fear of being judged by my friends - the only people who read it anyway. 

Finishing here with a copy-paste-dump of the 4 blog posts I wrote from July 2017 to April 2018. 

30 July 2017 - I am an engineer

I am an engineer trying to figure out my place in helping to make the world a better place for everyone to live in. I became a mechanical engineer because I liked understanding how stuff works. But recently, I've realised that a big part of the stuff I am interested in is how people and the world work to create this life that I am living. I am always learning, so this blog is my attempt to capture some of it, so that I can refer back to it later, and to hopefully share something new with you as well.

 30 July 2017 - My first visit to Kalgoorlie as a guest speaker

WASM Wall by Jason Dimer

OK, I’ll admit it, when I saw a request come through EWB* channels for a female engineer to present at the GEMIA* Girls and Guys Exploring Mining Forum, in Kalgoorlie, I jumped at the opportunity!

There were a couple of reasons why:

As a female engineer and EWB volunteer, I am passionate about inspiring students, especially female students, to pursue careers in STEM* fields as I believe these fields nurture the critical thinking so needed in our current world, and that increasing the number of females with careers STEM fields is one of our quickest paths towards gender equality

I had heard a lot about Kalgoorlie, but had never been there myself. I believe that the best way to learn about a place is by visiting, experiencing, immersing and talking to the locals (spoiler alert, I spent a lot of time doing this in my one and a half days there)

Everything we do at Engineers Without Borders links to one of the Aims from our 2020 Strategy. Speaking at events such as this Mining Forum for Year 9-11 high school students in Kalgoorlie fits into our aim to redefine engineering, specifically: “We will redefine engineering as a community centred profession that provides leadership in the creation of a more sustainable and inclusive world”.

And that is what I had at the front of my mind as I was putting together a presentation covering my career in engineering to date, my work as an Engineers Without Borders volunteer, and the concept of humanitarian engineering - with the aim to engage and inspire teenagers!

I wanted to share some examples of humanitarian engineering with the students, and luckily Sheena Ong, our ex EWB WA President and creator of the documentary “The Humanitarian Engineer", allowed me to include video clips of snippets from the documentary. I chose three examples that I thought conveyed the message of humanitarian engineering and appropriate technology concisely:

Rob Hughes, EWB field engineer, on developing biodigesters in Tonle Sap, Cambodia

The installation of Playpumps in Africa

Darren Lomman, Dreamfit founder discussing examples of equipment design or modification to make them accessible for people with disabilities

For each of the above examples that I showed the school group, I asked them three questions:

Did it address disadvantage?

Did it use science or technology?

Did it consider the community or persons’s needs in the design process?

After running through the second definition of humanitarian engineering covered in the documentary - humanitarian engineering is engineering that puts human well-being at the centre - I asked the students if I was a humanitarian engineer.

The questions I asked were answered by the students with a combination of murmurs of yes, and cocked heads. When I queried the teachers about this later, they said it was because this was not a topic that they had heard of before. I hope that I helped them to think about what engineering is, and that it can be related to more than the gold mining happening just up the road from Kalgoorlie town centre.

I like to think that I succeeded; later in the day one of the students asked me:

If I could be any kind of engineer, what would it be?

EWB = Engineers Without Borders GEMIA = Goldfield Education Mining Industry Alliance TEM = Science, technology, engineering and maths

Lemon Scented Gum at the Mt Charlotte walk trail and waterwise garden

Mulla mulla overlooking the superpit

Amok Island - 58 Egan St Kalgoorlie

21 August 2017 - Diversity and Inclusion

I had a really good weekend. I had back to back appointments and catch ups from Friday to Sunday night, and like the good extrovert that I am, it left it me feeling happy, stimulated and productive.

Which brings me to Monday night. I’m writing this during my first free moment, after my first day back at work since getting home from two weeks leave (while half watching the latest episode of Rick and Morty with my domestic partner). Anyway, I'm here to write about the Engineers Without Borders Humanitarian Day Gala, which I attended last Friday night.

On this night we heard from three speakers - Pete Baynard-Smith (Engineers Without Borders CEO), Suzanne Brown (Water Corporation Drainage and Liveable Communities Manager), and Fadzi Whande, social justice advocate and inclusion and diversity adviser.

And while I loved hearing about Pete and Suzanne's experience and work, I'll admit that I learnt the most from Fadzi, from a diversity perspective. I do not know many (any?) women from Africa, or much about diversity and inclusion in the workplace, other than it is important.

There are two points that Fadzi shared which have stuck with me. The first is the analogy she used about diversity and inclusion:

Diversity is being invited to a party, inclusion is being invited to dance.

The second is - The are six steps towards diversity and inclusion in our life and in the workplace are:

1.      You

2.     You

3.     You

4.     You

5.     You

6.     You

What a great way to emphasise that, as with pretty much everything in life, the most important thing I can do is to focus on myself, and what I myself can do or change.

By saying this, I understand that Fadzi means that to work towards diversity and inclusion, we need to start by changing our own circle, recognise that we are mainly surrounded by people that we are used to, and that a way to change this is by changing our own circle, and getting out of our comfort zone.

Hearing this motivates me, as I partly feel that I am on track because I already do this - by going to events I haven't been to before, where there is an opportunity to learn something new or that are attended by people outside my usual circle.

However, I appreciate my circle a lot. I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many smart and admirable friends.

People who:

value logic and data*

are open minded

who have  taught and helped  me see so much of what I understand today

who recognise that we can't assume that we know someone's whole story

(and people who can explain to me what unconscious bias is because they are studying a Masters of Psychology - hopefully you'll get a guest post from that friend soon!)

Thank you Fadzi, Pete and Suzanne for sharing your words and experiences at EWB WA’s Humanitarian Day Gala, and to the special, like-minded people who I got to spend time with on Friday night. You all keep me inspired.

*On Data - I need to figure out my thoughts around data, perception, and community development. On one hand I believe, as Fadzi said on the night - data doesn't lie - and on the other hand, I believe in human centred design - that a community knows what they need, and what the statistics show may not always be what the community needs. I want to figure out which thought applies in what contexts If you have any ideas or information about this, please let me know!!!

9 September 2017 - Chasing Coral

Well, you know they've done a good job with a film when they can make you cry about coral.

CORAL BLEACHING FEBRUARY 2016 AT HERON ISLAND, PHOTO COURTESY THE OCEAN AGENCY / XL CATLIN SEAVIEW SURVEY

But films like this leave me feeling like I'm not doing enough about the ocean's temperature rise. That being vegan isn't enough; I'm still driving an internal combustion car, I don't have solar panels, I'm not putting enough pressure on our Australian government, and not having enough conversations about this with my peers.

I haven't been keeping up with the news much since I got back from a 2 week holiday to WA's North West. Today on triple j's 3pm news, I heard that the Nationals are having a federal conference where NSW and Queensland will present motions to phase out renewable energy subsidies and support the development of the coal industry.

They will also move to resist the determination of environmental groups "to disrupt and impede the progress of this important industry".

I'm just in disbelief. How can they not understand that this is going backwards? How can they not care about the damage that has already been done?

Maybe I need to find myself an opinion piece written by a member of The National party, so that I can try to understand where they are coming from.

Coal is the most polluting way to produce electricity. There are other options. We need to implement them. It seems so simple, what am I missing?

I'm going to The Great Barrier Reef in November. I hope that I won't be too saddened by what I see, and that I get to have some conversations with locals. As I've mentioned in a previous post - learning by immersion.

I'll end this depressing post with an infographic made by the Chasing Coral team, and the fact that I need to stock up a reef-friendly, oxybenzone-free sunscreen, now that summer is one season closer!

2 October 2017 - Experts (I am not one)

I’m writing this as I am watching the sun go over a hill in the distance at Roelands Village, just outside of Bunbury. The hill is known to Les, the director of Woolkabunning Kiakaand his ex-Roelands mission peers as “Bunbury Hill”. It might also be the hill where he pointed out their traditional-spear-watchmen-shaped tree out to us earlier today. Anyway, it’s f*cking blissful as you can see in the photo below, which does it no justice.

I’m here at the ex-Roelands mission for the annual Engineers Without Borders strategy retreat. This year I agreed/volunteered to feed all 20 attendees over the two day weekend. I wasn’t really looking forward to it – but saw it as an opportunity to challenge myself! As well as cooking in the kitchen, I got to take part in the sessions put on by the president, vice president and some other long time volunteers. In one of the sessions, we defined inspiration, which is actually really hard to do!

I was talking to a good friend of mine in the car as we were driving down. I think it was actually the same trip 3 years ago where we first began our deeper conversations about feminism, people, psychology and ethics. This year marks our 10 years of friendship, which for some reason I find a pretty crazy fact (the 10 years part, not the friendship itself). One of the many topics we covered in the two hour drive was - blogging about topics which we are not an expert in. I concluded that for me, this blog is my way of collating and sharing topics and solutions that I come across and am learning about, but is not me speaking as an expert. I hope that by my sharing information and resources, I am supporting the good work that is being carried out by others. There is so much happening around the world; something in place to address nearly every single issue that exists. I just want to keep track of, and share them all! I also hope that this becomes a way for me to hear about interesting work that I might not already know about.

So, you know how I mentioned that I wanted to find a marine friendly sunscreen, after watching Chasing Coral and realising that corals are actually very delicate creatures, and that chemicals in sunscreen are harming them? Well, I did a bit of research and found a couple of brands. One of them is Stream2sea, but as they are an American company, I was on the hunt for something a bit more local. It wasn’t too hard to find – Surf Lifesaving Australia sell a sunscreen where proceeds from sales supports surf lifesaving training and development programs around Australia. They even listed that this sunscreen was in a recyclable aluminium can instead of plastic and I thought, “Even better, it's plastic free - at least when aluminium gets recycled it doesn’t become a lower grade product like in the case of plastic.”

But then when it arrived, in a standard post plastic bag, it was further packaged like this.

How ironic, an item marketed as being marine friendly, wrapped in an item that is widely known as causing enormous damage to the environment, especially marine environments.

When I complained about this in the Zero Waste + Plastic Free Living Perth, WA group on Facebook, Darren Lomman told me that almost all items in the health and beauty aisle in supermarkets comes transported like this. Why? I don’t know enough about wholesaling and packaging to be able to answer that. But it just looks like such as juxtaposition to me:

Marine friendly                                                                                  

                                                                                                                            Plastic

So now that I am done complaining, I need to write a letter Surf Livesaving Sunscreen, to ask them about the irony of this situation. I’m unsure if this will change anything, but at least I will have tried. I suppose the other approach is to accept that it needs to be packed like that for a reason (which I hope I find out when they reply), or do something about the packaging that has already been used and is here to stay in our environment now.

Enter Greenbatch. (Remember how I spoke about interesting projects above?)

Greenbatch is Western Australia’s first PET plastic reprocessing facility. It is founded by a guy called Darren Lomman, who studied Mechanical Engineering at the University of Western Australia (like me!). Darren recently handed over the reigns of Dreamfit, an organisation he founded that designs equipment for people with disabilities). He is now using his engineering and entrepreneurial background to establish a plastic processing facility, with the aim of reprocessing 100 million bottles by 2025, preventing them going into landfills, oceans and waste incinerators. Plastic processed through Greenbatch will be turned into 3D printing filament for schools to build and create with.

You can support this amazing social enterprise by:

-          Telling your friends about Greenbatch

-          Giving them a donation

-          Getting your local school involved

They are also holding a free community event at Perth City Farm on Wednesday 18 October. This event will give us the opportunity to learn from experts in the fields of sustainability, education, marine conservation and plastics recycling.

The experts will share what WA is doing about waste and recycling and ways that it can be improved, and talk about initiatives currently underway solving waste problems and how you can get on board and be a part of this sustainable change.

For more info, or to register your spot at this event click here.

I hope to see you there, and if you can’t make it, stay tuned for a summary of the event here on my blog :)

13 April 2019 - Work, Life and Balance

Well, it's been 6 months since my last post. I can remember the last 6 months so clearly, though it feels like they passed in a blur. I have felt so much anticipation in the lead up to big events that I had been excited about for months or years; 18 months of anticipation before getting married, 7 months of awaiting Kep's arrival in Perth, and two and a half years of looking forward to moving to Europe.

Kep's arrival... I'll give some background before I continue.

Kep is Water Corporation's leak detection dog. She's the world's first dog to be trained solely to detect underground water leaks, using only the scent of treated water alone, as a cost effective way of leak detection in areas where it is difficult and costly to perform leak detection via the usual methods.

In August last year, after I lead a successful trial with two experienced detection dogs, I learnt that I would be the project manager of a project to acquire Water Corporation's first leak detection dog. I worked together with the dog trainer, Steve Austin, to select a working English Springer Spaniel puppy, who we named Kep*. She began training with Steve in Sydney, and her delivery date to Western Australia depended on her physical and mental maturity. On her arrival in Perth, I would also complete training to become her primary handler.

From August to November, as well as working on water source planning projects as part of my substantive role, I spent a lot of time detailing options for the implementation of a detection dog into Water Corporation's business, including all required logistics  for the transport and care of the working dog.

After getting married in Perth and honeymooning to the Great Barrier Reef at the end of November, December passed in the usual holiday-period way - fast. In January, I spent every spare moment during the weekends doing the things I love - camping, hiking, scuba diving, going to the beach, seeing friends, teaching piano and learning new things (surfing!!!). February was spent preparing for Kep's arrival, and I also fit in a trip to Melbourne where I presented at the Australian Water Association Young Professionals conference, and caught up with dear friends (some human, some furry).

And then, it was the end of February and the end of summer! I spent 3 weeks being a new dog mum and handler, before I handed Kep over to her other handler so that I could fly off for a 4 week trip to Europe,, where I have been since the end of March.

I had never been so excited for a holiday before; usually I would feel excited about going to explore new places and eating new food. This time, I just needed a break badly.

For the first time in my working life, I had felt...stressed.

In the lead up to, and in the 3 weeks after Kep's arrival, I had been featured in workplace internal communications, been on TV multiple times, and presented at an Engineers Australia Young Innovative engineers presentation.

I felt like everyone within Water Corporation, and a lot of members of the public, knew about my project, and I was very aware of the two most common attitudes of people when they heard about my project:

- You have the best job ever, how did you get it?!

- Will it really work, is it really that effective?

Both attitudes make me feel slightly guilty about how much I love my job at the moment, and how good I have it, in different ways.

It wasn't until both the dog trainer's program manager and my CEO's personal assistant had asked me - "How are you going with all the pressure?" - that I realised that it was normal to be feeling how I was. Once they asked, it made sense - I was experiencing what I was because my project was in the public eye.

Through my experiences in the last few months, I've learnt a lot more about myself and become better at dealing with pressure. By this I mean I am better at controlling how I feel internally, as apparently it doesn't show on the outside. What I also now know, is how it feels to be excited and invested in my work every day. The last 6 months have made me realise how much I enjoy working on new, exciting, and never-been-done-before projects.

The answer I gave to a student's question in Kalgoorlie has also stuck with me. I still think about working on plastic reprocessing, and ocean clean ups. And my next career goal is to have a bigger impact on issues that I care about. As my time away from Australia is wrapping up, for now, I'm starting to think about how I want to spend my time when I am back in Perth. As well as the busy project schedule awaiting me for the implementation of Water Corporation's leak detection dog into the business, there are still many issues that I want to delve into and learn about in more detail. And I'd like to get better at balancing work, exercise, diet and reading/learning.

For me, this post reflects on and captures a certain point in my life - the feeling of wired-excitedness for what will come next in my life and career.

*Kep

Kep was named after the Noongar word for water, which was selected in consultation with Noongar elders and the Water Corporation's Aboriginal Affairs team, and was the winning name in a Facebook poll with the Western Australian community where 7 000 people voted.

You can view more about Kep here:

Kep's Water Corporation page

Kep on Channel 9 News

Kep on GWN News

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

my 10 year series

in light of everyone doing their reflection of the past 10 years, i think joining the bandwagon would help me look back on the past decade - if anything to make me think of things that i can be (extra) grateful for, so here goes; 

2010; primary school happened. tbh i cant remember much, (lol i actl went on a fb hunt but its taking forever to scroll everything, so im just going to write everything by my own memory and whatever it deems important haha)  had my psle, felt disappointed bc i didnt do well enough for my math (got like a C instead of a B that i thought i worked hard for), thankfully there’s a secondary school that allows me to be in express. confessed to this boy i liked in case i regret, but hey at least i had the guts to tell him ok!  2011; start of secondary school, met different people from all kinds of backgrounds - the broken, the privileged, etc. also increase weight gain bc of puberty + lack of self control. started learning a new instrument (the saxophone). start of bullying all over again bc of the weight, but also liked this boy for treating me like a human - turns out i can like someone for a very long time. also crucial time for me of getting to know jw, probably was the first few contacts we had. 

2012; increased weight gain, increased bullying as well. i remember (for the drama), i ran out of class crying and went into the arms of a friend, just because the hurtful things i’ve heard the boys said. also streaming year, but not sure what i was doing half the time, but had to make important decisions (subject choices). weight gain was really bad here. trip to china with the school was great though! probably one of the highlights of school. 

2013; best year of my secondary school life; probably bc i dont remember studying much bc of my sinful ways lol, but also bc i had so much fun in school and barely scrapped through my results. couldnt stand the bullying so started the herbalife diet and lost the weight subsequently, but took a hell lot of time.  started running a lot! i think this is also the year i started serving in camy, but also dont remember what i was doing half the time ahahha. by the grace of God, i think i rly barely passed to even go into secondary 4 lol. also the year i fell into the radio world, and found my love for mass comm. got my piercings here in the midst of the recalcitrant self, hated my math teacher to the guts and didnt know how to treat people right in the midst of the ‘identity confusion lol’ got drunk for the first time with friends drinking at the beach, partying in our minor years hahahha.  2014; O levels year. didnt hang out much with the bad company, and i think this was when i studied the hardest. i actually started catching up and getting serious, (and did well for the first time in my education woohoo!) but in the midst of the pride, my results dropped for O levels but all’s good. applied for dpa but failed, but went applied for JPSAE and really by the grace of God, i got into mass comm (after my results). ran my first few marathons here too! my secondary school friends settled down here - besides the insane brain study cramp, i think sec 4 was something i really appreciated, being able to study and kinda not hating myself, but learning how to trust God too.  2015; good 8 months of working part time! wow this is actually a pretty good year. had blue hair, (woohoo!) then got into the school of my dreams by the hand of God (this one rly wah.) first backpacking trip of my life (which made me love life so much more), struggled through the first year of school too. tbh this makes me think of my poly life - and all i can remember it to be would be just ‘BUSY’ and ‘CHINA’. lol how ironic??? considering this place was a dream for me, but i turned out to leave feeling to bleh about it. (but ok not true, i think it was an experience i am willing to take, looking back). understood the pain of the evil media/coporate world haha. the lack of sleep was real, but i actl started the year quite skinny leh!!! then the subsequent weight gain was very real hahahaha. joined ambassadors, started ‘dating’, the idea of having the social life was very real too 2016; BUSY BUSY BUSY. not sure what i was doing with my life tbh, but ok it was more media stuff, perhaps my brain does not want to revisit the joy bc it is attached with the pain and bitter side of things, but i know i have to let these go too. ‘broke up’! learnt about love and confrontation. WOW OK this is also the year i had my really really short hair!!!! wow i have no idea where i got the guts to do it, but i did it anyway HAHAHA. also the year ah ma passed away, then i ran my own comm (and saw people grow so well :’) ), kinda reaffirmed me of why im doing what im doing, and being able to groom people was such a privilege. also the year i hated running RC bc camp finale, but also the year i discovered my r/s with k and the love i had for him.  2017; the birth of beyond. i cant believe it feels so foreign to me now, but man it wasnt just the boy from beyond, but the joy from the relationships i had because of it. OIC HK was an experience, then it was also Y3 and i cant believe it was a painful year bc of school (like the heck its alr 3 years still want to torture me leh!!!!). my first refugee trip whcih broke my heart, found myself crying over the issues of the world then realising i might not even have an answer for everything. falling in love with beyond, then realising our overseas internship was happening - one of the best things that happened to me for someone that’s 19 (young and free lol) also the loudest thought from jesus came in as i was entering the shower; “how can you love someone else, when you have yet to love me?” 2018; interned, met Jesus then decided to take a gap year. best of ministry bc of the partnership i had, but also the growth for the love for people. ran the next trip for the refugee kids, (even brought our graduation gowns lol) learnt how to cut hair!!! had the mass realisation that the world is VERY big. too big for my little brain to comprehend.  started working with geylang adventures, then as the year transited into 2019, i got the job offer for st andrews autism school.  2019; realisation about the relationship i have with k - literally non-exsistant anymore. this one broke my heart quite a bit. (still trying to cope with it i guess.) went back to china on my own to surprise visit my friends woohoo.  worked for st andrews + geylang adventures/backalleybarbers. tbh now that i look back into my gap year, im not sure what i was doing, but at the same time - it was something that i think my soul needed. not to rush just because the world is, but understanding so much of who God is, decerning the peace and learning so much about life. after many tears, many questions, i got into university. not my first choice, (not even in my life of choices tbh) but....; 

2020; 

it is day 4 of 2020, and i love what im studying. i love the friends that i’ve met in school bc they are easy to love, i love the nature of what im studying bc of the sheer contact of humanity it has. truth be told, none of us are going to become social workers. not at least those in my social circle. but at the same time, we are here studying in our best abilities, understanding who God is, through each other, through the course of study, through the people we meet. i love what im studying, but i got my first F in school, but yet i didn’t even panic (not like in mass comm leh!!!) and i could literally laugh it off. that’s how much i love what im doing. 

and for that, as i’m writing this, i feel the need to scream at the top of the mountains that i’m thankful. the heart of gratitude is so real, the hand of God in my life is so real - you can argue that it is by sheer coincidence. i dont disagree, perhaps. but the peace - this immense peace, this joy, the intensity of this joy, cannot be explained, nor contained. i feel this need to shout across to the people i love and say HELLO THIS IS THE GOD I LOVE!!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!!!! HOW AM I SO SPECIAL!!!!!  so thank you Jesus, for loving me. for the past 10 years. and for the many years to come. with a heart of gratitude, thank you for everything. perhaps this is not enough as a thank you message. perhaps only my life in return can translate my act of gratitude. until then, JESUS YOU ARE SO COOL and i think im starting to fall in love with you again. help me fall in love with you because you are you, and not because the things you have done for me. not because of how everything ‘seems so smooth’, but bc of who you are, your goodness, your grace, your mercy, your character, your nature, every bit of who you are!!!! 

[scadplaysdnd]

a reflection

aka “holy fuck mom its been a year”

just warning yall now this is about to get hugely personal and if you’d rather not see insight of the worse sides of me or what’s been going on behind the scenes then i fully understand not reading this. i wont be offended. this is kind of as much for myself as it is anyone else.

so there have been a couple times in my life where ive had to look at myself and go “if i dont reach out for help of some kind, something really bad is going to happen”. around this time last year was one of those times. i was three credits shy of getting my degree and the last thing i needed to do was an internship, which would have started around this time and finished up by the end of 2016. i would have finished my education and gotten my degree.

and then i would have died.

id known this fact for a couple months now but as we were reaching two months from the end of the year i had this thought--maybe i should like, not do that??? so i put the internship on hold. i took a semester off on medical leave. while all of this was going on, kelly and erik had come to me asking me if i wanted to play dnd. i said sure, though i was pretty wary. id only ever played dnd once beforehand and it ended really badly--basically my character died and the rest of the party kind of callously left her behind which hurt and sucked.

ANYWAY i came up with the basic concept for tami. i know i wanted to play an orc because it was always weird to me that orcs are like the stereotypical and defacto villains that most parties are pitted against from the very beginning--what must it be like to be one of those people? but i wanted her to also diverge from the typical orc playable character, in that she was going to be quiet, stealthy, dexterous, and “level headed” (in quotes because yknow her emotions are something she’s always struggling with).

basically tami naruto jumping through the trees was always a key character concept from the word go.

but character creation is easy for me. ive been doing it nonstop since i was 10 years old. i also joined a new roleplay group around this same time. creative endeavors are something i can still pursue rather easily even in the throes of the worst mental breakdowns. in fact, its probably the reason ive survived most of them.

and i had no idea how much dnd was going to be that.

by this point, things were getting really bad and we were basically deciding what to do with me. my support network as ill call them (basically my therapists and doctors) were thinking i needed to be admitted into some kind of program and i agreed with them. but they wanted me to go to an inpatient program--essentially either being hospitalized or cut off from everything while i was taught how to yknow. not die.

but i didnt want to be cut off from everything. i wanted to play dnd. it was pretty much the only thing i had going for me at the time, since i wasnt doing any work or school. not to mention most of my irl friends were still in school or just generally busy and it was pretty much the only social thing i had to look forward to.

of course, that wasnt the only thing. in general, i just really didnt like the idea that i wouldnt be able to have a phone or computer for xyz months, quite literally being cut off from everyone and everything, including all of my essential coping mechanisms that have been keeping me alive thus far. but really, i knew that if i left the campaign just as it was starting for what would probably be months, i wouldnt be able to come back. and i didnt want that.

so i put my foot down and we got me enrolled in a local outpatient program. every day for 5 hours, i had to go to group therapy and learn how to Not Die. i had to go completely sober. i had to get drug tests. it was......hard, to say the least. it was scary and frankly humiliating to get to that point where i had to be constantly monitored to make sure i wasnt a danger to myself or others--even more so that it was justified.

every day we’d have to check in, let them know what our level of suicidal ideation was among other things, and i remember for those first few months, it was never none for me. but as long as it was passive, it was alright. in response, we were supposed to take a step back and look for things to live for, and look forward to. every friday we had to write about what we were planning on doing for the weekend.

and every friday i wrote the same thing: dnd.

it was honestly everything i needed during this time. i was going through a pretty rough period of agoraphobia and social anxiety, but once a week every week i got to be social as someone who wasnt myself. my experience with dnd hadnt been much up until that point, but almost none of you guys had played before. i felt almost an obligation to make a character that was somewhat take charge and open, in an effort to coax you guys out for the same. its kind of hard to remember at this point considering where we all are now, but at the beginning there, i know it was rough for a lot of us. i felt like i had to take charge, which was so the opposite of how i was actually living my life at the time.

and it was...nice. tami is much more confident and forthright than i am, and i had to force myself out of a lot of comfort zones to put myself in that place. but as weeks went on, it became easier, both in and out of character. all yall nerds are busy now but back then we were hanging out practically every night and it gave me a chance to not be alone with everything i was going through. unlike with say, the roleplay group, i wasnt just my character--i also got be myself with you guys. i got to rediscover who i was and could be during a time where i really didn’t see myself as anything worthy, let alone anything at all. plus, my connections to others has always been a driving force of me Not Dying and being able to be a part of such a blossoming close group was essential while living at home with little contact to my other friends.

and this went on for months. in that time, through the program, i was able to learn some essential, new coping mechanisms. i discovered some trauma that was affecting me way more than id given it credit for and was able to start working through it in a way that i hadn’t for years. through helping and supporting the others in my group, i was able to do the same for myself.

while all this was going on, i was constantly doodling tami and others in the margins of my notes. i was singing the praises of the group and the campaign to my program, whose members also became somewhat invested in the story and started asking me every week what had happened. it became such a huge part of my identity and every day that soon members of the program began to identify me with the game itself. it played such a huge role in my recovery.

but by march, i had graduated the program. id started up my internship, and was on my way to getting my degree. i got a nepotism job at my dads company, and i was actually leaving my house on a fairly regular basis. i dont want to say that it was all sunshine and rainbows because it wasn’t. i still had some pretty dark periods, and there were times that if you asked for a check in, i wouldnt be able to honestly say that there was no suicidal ideation.

but i kept on. and the only consistent thing throughout all of this was dnd. i started my own campaign on top of all of that, which has been an adventure in and of itself. tami has been through a lot, both through what has happened and general character development. it would be impossible not to after a year, even if it hasn’t been nearly as long in game. 

i thought i had some sort of linear progression to all of this, and this would be the point where i wrap it up all neat and say that im all better and its all because of dnd but that.....isn’t true. its not true in life OR dnd, and i think thats why i like the game so much?? its narrative for sure, but there’s also so much uncertainty and surprise that you don’t get in general writing or roleplay. not everything works out plainly and neatly, with things being completely fucked just by a dice roll. it can be just as messy as life is. which is funny because thats exactly what i used to HATE about the game, and why i didnt want to play in the first place. i didnt want to not have control over the narrative. i didnt want to not have control over MY narrative

but i needed to give up that control if i was ever going to get help. i needed to put my safety, my mental health, my life into other peoples hands. i needed help and i needed connections--and thats kind of what dnd is all about. and in the end, it still might not matter. our characters can still die, the story can still go in a way that not even the dms are prepared for, we might not save the world.

BUT WE ALSO MIGHT!! we’re going to work together and try our best and do everything in our power to fulfill our own quests, help one another, and create a greater good for ourselves and the world around us!!! and its like yeah, im not fully recovered, i dont think full recovery is ever going to really be an option for me, but i can keep going, and i know im always going to have the support of yall and the people who care about me. that means more to me than you could ever know.

and not to be a downer but like...im still going to die, someday. maybe in the ways that i thought, or maybe not. and in the meantime i might not figure out my life plan or get an amazing job or even move out anytime soon. but for once, that thought isnt as paralyzing and world ending as it was this time last year. its okay for things to be uncertain. its okay that things might not work out neatly in the end. and i think dnd played a huge role in helping me come to terms with that.

so remember like four paragraphs ago when i said i was going to start wrapping this up?? lmao for anyone who made it this far, i salute you and thank you. this game has been really important to me but more so its YOU PEOPLE. you guys are just such a wonderful and awesome group of people and its been a privilege taking this journey with you for this last year--and for many more years to come! we’ve been at this for two months in game and who knows where we’ll all be this time next year or the year after or even more after that. i dont know!!!! and thats okay

love yall im gonna go order a pizza now peace  ✌ ✌ ✌ (i have had nothing to drink thanks)

[chryseumaureus]

/rant about university admissions and life

i am just really tired of everything. for the last 3 months, i have been mentally dragged from a point of hope to a point of desperation daily in and out, just waiting for university admissions results. i am generally anxious by nature and while i never had a panic attack, it doesn’t mean that my heart isn’t palpitating quickly or my brain isn’t busy trying to run through every variable and factor that could compromise my application.

didn’t intend on applying for university this year but several people around me insisted and like the person i am, i am easily influenced by my environment. from someone who did not care about whether i got a place, i changed into someone who constantly checks her inbox daily to see if there is any hope in getting a chance at an interview for university admissions.

nope. first a rejection from ntu, then nus and smu. i am tired. half my brain is telling me that not securing a spot in either of those universities means that i am not as intellectually inclined as those who entered; not as capable. my friends tell me otherwise and thats where the other half of my brain tells me that it’s alright to not receive a place in the universities because i can always try again next year. however, what are the odds that i will receive an offer next year? what guarantee do i have that i will receive an offer the following year? that aside, i graduated with a diploma in business studies and something i really regretted is not having the foresight in 2016 to choose something else. to explore other options. i don’t regret my 3 years, but some days i just wished there was a way for prospective students to try everything, y’know? a day in the life of someone who does science, engineering, designing, business, music, etc. i hate that singapore has this stigma that students must always score all As in order to be SMART, to be CAPABLE. our education system is good, i admit, but that insane amount of stress on every student to do well and the feeling of falling behind or not being good enough when we DON’T DO WELL sucks big time and is seriously detrimental to our physical and mental health.

there is also the stigma where not having a degree equates not being able to find a job. go overseas to study? study in a private institution? i would, but i am poor. it would take so long to earn the amount needed for overseas education, not that it is really a choice since i have to take care of my aging parents. private institutions? there is a stigma that those aren’t as recognised in the local scene. do i believ that? not really. am i influenced by it? yes. ._.

i thought i could build a foundation in business with my diploma, and take up a degree in other fields. guess not.. currently second guessing pursuing business as an education. right now, i want to simultaneously do everything and do nothing. nothing because i have no direction in which i want to pursue. everything because by trying everything, i will know how it is like to pursue the fields of my interest and i can make a definite choice in what i want to do. 

in the case i pursue a business education, what is the guarantee that i can find a job? what meaning can i find in my job? inititally i took the course also because i wanted to explore other areas of business, see if there is anything else i like besides accounting. the only other thing i liked studying was marketing/marketing communications, design (user experience design) and business analytics. i learnt that anything that does not hold my interest likely translates into a bad grade because i just could not bring myself to understand it. then i went for a finance internship and completed regretted it and never wanted to do finance or accounting because it was so mind numbingly boring. so really: why the hell did i do a diploma in business? i don’t have any legitimate skills aside from presentations and calculations. i only wished i knew this in 2016, so that i would not have chosen this course.

i also wished i stopped following everyone’s whims. follow where people go. i am not a person who stands out and i never had much independence and i realise that now. i need to do something for myself; fight for whatever i choose to believe and study in. except i am so extremely lost and i can totally hear my brother chiding me in my brain “i told you so. you should have gone to JC. see la now you don’t even have a place to go” (don’t even know if that is what he will actually say, given his personality, or if its just my brain hearing his contempt from previous interactions and warping it.) anyway, i am so lost and confused and i don’t know where to direct my attentions at. i just hope for once, i make the right decisions. people say that everything you do requires a reason and that reason must have solid backing. sorry - i’ve always relied on my intuition and i just hope this time, it is one of those times i read my intuition right. because i don’t know what i will do if it doesn’t.

feels like i am 3 years late in doing this. very frustrated with everything. i know i can do great things as long as i put my mind to, but i only have how many years in my youth to experience real life and i cant spend it trying everything because i would not have the finances to do it, or to focus and excel on that one thing. i can’t do everything but i sure have a heck ton of shit i wanna try. i just dont know how or where to start. if you have some advice, dm me or reply to this. thank you for even reading part of this - i probably sound very annoying and whiny...

had another thought: how do i find a career that gives me a good pay, gives me purpose and is helpful to the society? i don’t frelling believe i can’t find my dream job. i’ll just have to be patient in hunting for it, don’t i? :”)