#anyway thats why i havent written in a few days i have been waiting for them to just fuck each other already

[dufrau]

What do you personally seek out/enjoy most in smut?

Ooh fun question, thank you!

Honestly the main thing I want in smut 99% of the time is the same I want in any genre of fanfiction: strong characterization. I'm reading fanfiction about these characters for a reason, I want it to be about *them*. So I don't really like super out of character smut (although EXAGGERATED characterizations are a different story, lord knows some of my sillier stuff pumps certain aspects of characterization pretty far out of proportion).

Specific to smut, though? I like uh, like, tension? I like the focus to be more on the leadup and the wanting and the wondering and the denial and the almost and the negative space before they actually start touching each other. I like a lot of sense information, the temperature and the lighting and the texture of the surfaces they're on etc, i like writing that engages all the different parts of my brain to build a full picture of what it's like where they are.

I like dialogue that stays in character even when they're fucking! Which is hard to write and hard to put a finger on exactly what "right" is, its only really obvious when it's *wrong*.

I like smut as a device to create a bubble of intimacy in which characters can be a little more vulnerable and honest with each other than they might normally let themselves be. It's okay if smut is only about sex! If it turns out the thing they want is just sex, with each other, right now, and there's no deeper meaning at play. But what *kind* of sex are they having and where are they having it and have they had it before etc etc etc you are sort of establishing a worldstate even if you didn't really mean to and I think that's really fun lol.

Anyway basically the things I am looking for in the smut i read are the same things I am trying to do in the smut I write.

<3

[averysmolkirbo]

Since im working on my fic, id thought id share this other thing i made. I meant to make it an objection.lol, (thats why it's simple) might still do that, but im gonna have to get home first to do that.

I dont have an AO3 yet (i havent written fics before) so the story'll be below the cut.

Its a little wrightworth thing (with some bonus franmaya) its the first thing ive made so lemme know if you like it!

[Courtroom, ~8pm]

"Alright. I'm here, what did you need so urgently that it required me coming here now, at this hour?"

"Huh? Edgeworth? What are you doing here?"

"Oh don't play dumb, you said you "urgently had to tell me something at the courthouse"

"When did i say that???"

"Franziska spoke to me earlier today that you apparantly 'Had to tell me something'. What even is it anyway?"

"I never said anything like that to her. Maya said she wanted me to come to the courthouse for some reason."

"And... you believed her?"

"What? Yes, of course i did! And so did you!"

"You thought she had gotten herself arrested again didn't you?"

"Well, that thought did cross my mind, but really i came because i was sorta bored all alone at the office."

"Hmph. I fear we have fallen victim to some kind of ... practical joke. If you dont have anything else to say, i'll be leaving now."

"No wait, I- I actually do have something to tell you."

"Really? Are you in on this absurd joke too?"

"No, no! I just.... had something i was gonna tell you about the next time i saw you... and you're here already.... so......"

"Alright then. What is it, Wright? Please make it quick. I'd like to get home.

"Oh? What's got you in a rush?"

"I didn't come here to be interrogated. Get on with your question, Wright."

"Ok, just curious.... (Why is Edgeworth acting so strange? Its later than he'd normally be at the courthouse, but its only around 8pm....)"

"I'm just tired, alright?"

"[I thought he didnt want to answer?]"

"What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Oh, uh, sorry. Well not to be rude but you look... tired-er than usual?"

"More tired."

"Fine, whatever. You look 'more tired '."

"That's why i was leaving."

"Well what made you so tired to start with, then?"

"I happen to have some very important and complex cases right now. There. That's your answer, anything else?"

"[I swear i'm about to begin seeing things...]

"Hehe, that's me when i take 17 benadryl and i start seeing the hat man."

"Excuse me, Wright, i didn't quite catch that last part. THE WHO?"

"Not The Who. THE HAT MAN."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT. I. MEANT."

"WHOM IS THIS HAT MAN?"

"THE MAN WHO SHOWS UP WHEN I TAKE 17 BENADRYL. KEEP UP, MILES."

"You are absolutely, IMPOSSIBLE. Do you know that??"

"ive been told that a number of times...."

"Not to mention- why on EARTH are you taking SEVENTEEN BENADRYL? No wonder you're hallucinating."

"Idk, 2 just doesnt work for me. Especially if im already sick. Besides, arent those labels just suggestions anyway? Whats the big deal if i take a few more than intended?? I need it!"

"S-SUGGESTIONS? SUGGESTIONS?! "

"I'm gonna take it by your reaction that they arent suggestions?"

"SUGGESTIONS FOR LIVING."

"Calm down, Miles, its not that big of a deal. See, i'm fine. I havent died yet. ive only done it like 3 times or something."

"IT'S- I- I wonder what goes on in that head of yours sometimes."

"haha, this is nothing, ive done worse. Like when i got charged for murder and then ate at a glass necklace to hide the evidence."

"I would be shocked right know, if i was talking to literally ANYONE else right now. But since im talking to you, Wright, i'm not the least bit suprised.

"Let me guess, in true Wright fashion, you escaped with few ill effects from this most foolish behavior?"

"Haha, how'd you know?"

"I think i only had a stomach ache, but that also mightve been what i had for lunch that day..."

"Of course.... What sort magical force do you possess that allows you to be so... immune to harm?"

"Is it perhaps the work of that magical charm Ms. Fey gave you?"

"The magatama? No, dont think so. I think all it does it let me see people's secrets..."

"Well there has to be some secret to your invincibility."

"I don't know, maybe im just lucky?"

"I'd say "Lucky" people can't fall through a BURNING BRIDGE into FREEZING RAPIDS and end up with NOTHING BUT A COLD!"

"AND "NORMAL" FRIENDS DON'T FLY 14 HOURS ACROSS THE WORLD JUST TO MAKE SURE SOMEONE'S OK BUT YOU DIDNT HEAR ME BRING THAT UP, DID YOU?"

"I TOLD YOU, THAT WAS DIFFERENT! LARRY TOLD ME YOU DIED!"

"ok, yeah, fair point. But you of all people should know not to trust Larry."

"Would you have prefered i hadn't believed him??"

"If you're going to be bringing that up, then i'd say that i have some 'decisive evidence' makes you a hypocrite."

"Uh-huh. Sure, tell me what this evidence is then, Edgeworth."

"You changed your college major just to "save" me. Whatever that means. I'd say a "normal" friend wouldn't do that ..."

"I was already considering changing majors after the whole murder trial thing, really.

"Now you're just making up excuses. Ms. Fey already told me about the trial where her sister defended you and your sudden interest in law."

"Well... well.... WELL I LOVE YOU!"

"I LOVE YOU TOO!"

"What?" (shit. The jig's up.)

"What?" (oh god. I cant believe i just said that...)

"You... uh... you say something, Edgeworth?"

"No. Did you say something?" (Oh god, he definetely noticed... think of something-)

*maya pops up from out of nowhere*

"HAH! Gotcha, Nick!"

"Aah! Maya??? What are you doing here?? How long have you been here?!? I thought you left?!"

"Ive been here....The entire time. >:3"

"Was this some kind of elaborate scheme to get us to admit our... feelings?"

"Maybe >:3 , Franziska didn't think it'd work"

"Wait, Franziska was in on your little... scheme??"

"Oh yeah, this was actually all her idea. I just lured you here, haha."

"Wha-"

"Hahaha! You guys should've seen your faces!"

"Yea.... thing is franzy said it was 'getting too hard to watch you two lovebirds pine for eachother all the time'"

"WHAT? What pining?!"

"Nick, have you even ever SEEN yourself after a trial with Mr. Edgeworth?? You always look like your crush just asked you out to prom or something!"

"I-I do?! I mean... um... No i dont..."

"You might be great at bluffing, Nick, but you're the worst liar ever! Even Pearly can hide things better than you!"

"E-even Pearls??"

---

[Defendant Lobby, ~8:30]

"We should go back to the office now, Maya. It's getting late."

...

"Hold on a minute, Wright, before you go.... is what Ms. Fey said true? About you after a trial with me?"

"I guess.... it is, heh."

"Really? You... really feel that way?"

"Of course! Its ok if you dont-"

"Don't try to act like you aren't the same way, Miles Edgeworth!"

"Hi Franziska! Glad you could make it >:3 we're just getting to the good part! I told you it'd work!"

"It-it seems it has, Maya. Thank you."

"And for your information, Mr. Phoenix Wright, this foolish fool feels the same foolish way about you as you do about him. He's an absolute fool at trying to hide it."

(Did.... von Karma just stutter when she spoke to Maya?)

"I- Hmm...(Oh. There's no point anyway... its already out...)"

"I didn't know you felt the same way, Edgeworth."

"Speak for yourself, Nick! You two are the most open books since... since... forever!!"

"How long have you been trying to get us together??"

"Well, initially i wanted to give you two lovebirds time to do it yourselves, but-"

"It was absolutely unbearable watching you two foolish fools around each other."

"Yeah.... franzy originally wanted to just whip it out of you but i covinced her to try my plan first.."

"Ummm... Thanks?"

"You know i'm still open to doing so, Mr. Phoenix Wright.

"Ok! Ok! Sorry!"

"Wright..."

"Yeah? What is it, Edgeworth?"

"Would you perhaps... care to have dinner with me? Now? My treat."

"Oh, I would love to! How about we bring Maya and we all get burgers?"

"That sounds.... Wonderful. Let's go."

"YAY! Burgers! Let's go!"

----

bonus franmaya thing:

"Are- are you and Franziska together, Maya?!"

"I saw her blush while talking to you, and she didnt even call you by your full name."

"Duh! Why else do you think she lets me use a pet name? You know not every couple wants to wait 15 years to confess to each other ... right, Nick?"

"I just thought that she would be the last person you'd want to be with. She did try getting you convicted of murder, remember?"

"Franzy's actually way softer than you think, but don't tell her i told you that."

"Besides, Mr. Edgeworth did the same thing and YOU still love him!"

"That was different! He was my childhood friend and he probably didnt have a choice on who he prosecuted then. Also, Edgeworth has never whipped me to unconciousness before. Or at all."

"Oh yea, i remember that, franzy told me it was one of her favorite moments ever in court. But you also cant tell her about that either, or she might reenact a version 2"

(Maybe stop telling me all your relationship details then....)

"Why did she like it so much?? (is franziska a sadist??)"

"You know what, actually, im too hungry to argue right now... lets go."

"Good choice Nick, lets go get some burgers!"

============

[garrothromeave]

the hell is mystreet season 6??

(warning, long post ahead)

ok so before i start this

1) ive never posted shiiiit on tumblr before so watch me suffer, im just here to talk about stuff that my friends who dont know anything about aphmau have to listen to me rant about for hours on end

2) i havent seen mystreet in like years (except season 3, i watch that frequently since im laurance and shadow knight deprived) so please bear with me because i might be completely wrong on this lol. it’s just like, pointing out things i remember

3) im sure someones already talked about this but who cares

4) im gonna do this stupid thing where i just explain myself a bit at first, if you dont want to read that just skip to the part where you see “the actual thingy:” in bold and italics 

5) mild disclaimer; i am completely aware that jessica is not a professional writer. i know that she did her best to appeal to her fans, and honestly, respect for that. while this post will come off as aggressive and probably look like hate, that’s not my intention in the slightest. it’s just... intense criticism. im sure y’all probably already know that, but yeah, just stating that anyways. i do believe that jess is doing her best, and in no way do i want to dismiss any hard work she’s done. that being said; prepare for a very strongly opinionated post.

haha watch there be 10000+ typos in this making me look like a complete dumbass

ok here we go 

one of the main reasons i stopped watching aphmau back in 2017 was the mess that was season 4. like, in the first few episodes of the emerald secret, i thought “woah!! this is kinda cool, im a sucker for mystery!” because of course i was, it was something new and something exciting. the only problem i had with it at the time was kim, but that’s just because i always found her annoying and out of place. i just didn’t understand why garroth dragged her along and honestly i still don’t to this day BUT, moving on.

anyways, as the season progressed, 13 year old me was of course just “:0!!” the entire time--that is, up until the reveal of the main villain. i remember watching the episode, seeing the reveal of ein, and then stopping. like, just for a quick break, but i was still just overwhelmingly disappointed. like, and this was the time when pdh was airing and ein just got made alpha (i think?) and i had really really liked eins character in pdh. either way, that really sucked and actually opened my eyes to a lot of things.

one of the main things bein’ the fact that this was supposed to be a slice of life kinda series that decided to take a turn to a more edgy kinda approach. which, i guess i regularly wouldnt mind? but seeing as mcd was kinda bein neglected at the time it just didnt sit right with me. BUT WHATEVER, point is i stopped watching mystreet all together at the end of season 4.

like, a whole year later my brother tells me that shit’s getting intense in season 5 + 6 of mystreet, and my brilliant self decided to give it a shot--but i refused to watch all of season 5, so i only stepped in when ein made an appearance. so whenever that was, that’s where i picked up because i didnt care enough to see 

and y’know--i honestly didn’t hate it at first. in fact, i found it oddly cool. it wasn’t enough to get me into aphmau again, but it was enough to where i was intrigued. i dont know why, but i never watched the finale, so i didnt see the ending until just a few weeks ago--but back then, i thought it was neat. looking back on it however... im just so confused. 

side note: only got back into aphmau this time around because of mcd. mainly because like, i adore the first season and the first half of the second season. and being nearly 18 now, im a lot more appreciative of plot and well-written characters n junk. 

the actual thingy:

ok back on track. imma stop spilling out my story of how i got back into aphmau, and lets just skip to what rewatching mcd made me realize of season 6′s plot and shit:

-emmalyn. how the fuck does ghost even remotely exist? if she’s emmalyn as claimed, then why have we already seen emmalyn in the mystreet universe alive? look i get that creators can do whatever they want with their stories but at the same time please provide some sort of explanation good god. and maybe they did and i just havent seen it, so if there is one--let me know. but until that day imma just sit here confused as fuck

-ok so imma just be real, the whole ‘ultima’ thing is just... not great. in my opinion, anyways. like... i saw someone mention this in another post, but if this ultima stuff was like, a really big deal, why isnt it mentioned in mcd? though i suppose since its a curse of sorts, it could be later on past the time period in which mcd takes place--but even then, how did it manage to make its way into aaron’s family bloodline? 

-WHY IS EVERYONE AT STARLIGHT ITS JUST SO CONVINIENT like what happened to this place being the most expensive shit on the planet or whatever, and how the gang happens to run into like, the werewolf trio and blaze and kai and guy and nate all of these people like god damn life doesnt WORK LIKE THAT 

-im sorry but turning people into relics? thats... thats the best you could come up with? plus, like, how does that even work? in mcd it’s established that relics are separate entitles that choose their wielder, based on a ‘personal’ connection (being a descendent of a previous wielder) or if they’re a good match personality and (i think?) moral wise. so the whole turning-people-into-relics doesnt make much sense to be honest. 

-irene really over here using her god powers to only keep her friends alive like god damn not a great god if you ask me 

-can i talk about how incredibly predictable aphmaus death was? like i just kinda sat there waiting for it to happen and when it did i literally went “haha! wonder when she’ll be revived” because god forbid we actually kill off characters 

-when aphmau + demon warlock fought in the irene dimension there was no passage of time whatsoever in the real world whiiiiiiiiich really bothers me because they fought in there for at least a few minutes

-speaking of aphmau and the demon warlocks fight does it bother anyone else that it had to be aaron who took over the fight?? like we get it hes the big protector blah blah blah but god damn it wouldve been cooler if aphmau had fought this battle as her. aaron fighting this battle was so underwhelming

-...love. like, thats the only thing thats needed to break out of a forever potion? love? LIKE YEAH, GOOD GUYS GOTTA WIN SOMEHOW, but its just so cliche and overdoneeee

-oh yeah and also when travis went bonkers and became the demon warlock or whatever, why’d he only take over katelyn and garroth?? like, zane had been influenced by the potions in the past as well? DONT GET ME WRONG--i do love some good brother edge, but uh, the demon warlock was just bein kinda a dumbass by not possessing zane too just sayin’

-can aaron please go to fucking jail for mass murder now like holy shit, he just got sent home on a fuckin boat. also why did blaze forgive him for killing him thats not even remotely realistic. then again, nothing in mystreet has ever been realistic when it comes to characters and motives and personalities, (cough katelyn being actually abusive and travis being an actual pervert) but yknow whatever

-katelyn and kawaii chan literally added nothing to the plot whatsoever. like lets be real, katelyn lost her personality the moment season 5 started and kawaii chan just kinda sits there :I

-ok im sorry this was bound to come up but cmon guys imagine laurances potential if he was in season 6 like god damn this is beyond maddening. AND YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A REALLY REALLY COOL PARRALLEL?? IF IT WAS LAURANCE WHO SNAPPED GARROTH OUT OF HIS MIND CONTROL THING, because it would mimic laurance’s speech to get garroth to snap out of his rage in season 1, episode 100 of minecraft diaries. like how fuckin rad would that have been? missed opportunity 

-also?? why does kim/ghost know magicks?? like, if i remember correctly, emmalyn is a scholar--not someone who knew magicks. i mean, i guess research? study?? but its been established that knowing how magicks works =/= being able to use magicks. i dunno, just doesnt seem right i guess. maybe its explained, i wouldnt know (yes i know that makes me look like a dick leave me alone)

-melissa should have stayed dead. LIKE, NO, ITS NOT AS SIMPLE AS “haha it takes more than a few bullets to kill me”??? look ive got nothing wrong with melissa (cough lie cough) but yknow it would have just been cool a character... stay dead? for once? its just too fuckin cliche that shes alive god damn

-can i also just say the only good thing that came out of season 6 was travis’ dads sacrifice like damn that made me actually sad

-howww was lucinda turned into a relic. or yknow, anyone else? like im sure they explain it better in the actual show i just dont remember, but its just that easy? turning anyone into a relic? granted, a normal person wouldnt be able to produce a good relic, but idk man. IM JUST SAYING; that the only really powerful relics that aphmau should have been able to wield is the one that aaron + zane produced because shad relic and esmund relic moment. lucinda isnt even like, connected to a divine warrior. ALSO, another point, if its seriously that powerful of a relic getting one from just a magic user like lucinda, why go through the trouble? i mean i guess ofc youd want the “all powerful” one that the ultima produces but i mean damn whats the point

-ok this is just going to bother me but in one of the episodes (i think might have been in season 5 actually) where that like, guardian dude was chasing aphmau and zane and at one point they split up and the dude just chuckles at zane diverting paths and goes under his breath “youre not the important one here”, suggesting that aphmau somehow is? first of all, id argue that any ro’meave is significantly more important than aphmau was, especially not knowing much about her other than that shes with aaron. i might be missing some bits an pieces, but if i was that dude id forget about aphmau and go after zane 

-killing off derek for shock factor sucked, and i know the moment was supposed to be really sad because like “oh :( aarons dad is sacrificing himself for his son” but lets be real dereks still was a shitty father and i dont think his reasons for doing what he did was very good at all

-less about plot or more like: why the absolute fuck did the gang bring kim along instead of, oh i dont know, a life-long friend? like, laurance or dante maybe?? im sure its explained, i never saw aphmaus year or most of season 5, but god DAMN id hate to be apart of this friend group AND GOD LIKE, imagine reconnecting with an old friend who ends up getting closer to your best friends and taking priority in their lives over you (cough laurance) like god damn lol

-im just going to preface this one with: i dont remember everything that’s happened, so if im wrong i apologize in advance--but (you actually can correct me if im wrong and please do) didnt like, irene reincarnate her friends in order to give them better lives? I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS TRUE, ITS JUST WHAT I REMEMBER--however, if im correct, then:

a. why the hell would she bring back someone like zane, or gene, or ivy, etc.

b. why the hell do they all have the same exact names? first and last? again, im aware that the whole mystreet+mcd tie wasn’t originally supposed to be there, but i dont think that means such a coincidence can be excused? its just a bit much if you ask me.

c. why the hell is the fact that (as much as i literally hate this) aaron is a decedent of shad being ignored? like, you’d think that something like this would be something thats actually important, or something the demon warlock couldve taken advantage of. or are we completely erasing every other connections to divine warriors besides aphmau + irene? because even if irene did reincarnate them or do whatever it is she did, does she even have the power to sever the connections between them and their ancestors? my guess is, no.

d. speaking of irene why on earth was aphmau able to talk to/see irene, they’re literally the same person are they not? did she like, fuckin reincarnate herself without actually doing it?? BUT--i will give it to them, the demon warlock did refer to aphmau as something along the lines of being “one of the 3 parts of her broken soul” or something like that. however, my point still remains. also what are the other two did i miss that or is it never explained

now; if irene in fact did not ‘reincarnate’ her friends then please ignore that little bit right there :)

but yes, those are a few of the problems i have with season 6 off the top of my head. i would go into like, season 4 and 5 more as well, but i honestly didnt feel like it. at some point i might go into other things, like how important laurance could have been to the plot of these later seasons, or HELL, even dante. i might also go into what could have made season 4, 5, and 6 actually good--maybe... a rewrite? perhaps? but im getting too far ahead of myself, so i just leave you with this for now.

and i know that as soon as i post this 15 more things are just going to pop into my head BUT im going to try and not edit this post because why stress myself with that even more

anyways thank you for coming to my tedtalk 

[strangeradventuresofp]

scarred part 2(firelord!zuko x reader)

requested by : @yepthatsame​  -   Ahh I just read Scarred and it was so good! Do you think you do a part 2 where they meet again after years of his banishment? No worries if not!

A/N : thats such a good idea omg i cant believe i didnt think of it lmao but im so glad u enjoyed part 1 hopefully you enjoy this one too !!<3

part one

“All hail Fire Lord Zuko!” 

The boy you had loved and missed, for so many years suddenly emerged right in front of your eyes. You couldn’t believe it; too stunned to notice that everyone was clapping. Tears threatened to fall as you wondered if he would remember you if you appeared before him. He seemed so different than when he left. He wasn’t vulnerable anymore, it was obvious by the way he held himself; straight back, standing tall, shoulders broad. He was a completely different person; the new Fire Lord. You were happy for him, of course. All he had ever wanted to do was serve and do his country justice, and now he is. It was just such a shock to you that after leaving you to capture the avatar, they now stood side by side, smiling genuinely at each other. It was very confusing to you, and you found yourself crying as you looked up at him.

Panicking, you frantically looked for somewhere to hide as the two began walking down the stairs to greet their guests. Suddenly, and open door into the castle caught your eye, which you dashed into, luckily without being seen. You didn’t know whether you were going to try to speak to him, you didn’t have a clue if he even remembered you. 

“Can I help you?” You must have been thinking for a good while because eventually, a familiar yet very new voice called out to you. Frowning, you saw it was the Fire Lord, looking at you with confusion and concern. You tilted your head, not saying anything, just looking at him. He had more muscle than before, that was obvious. He had grown a lot taller. His hair was tied into a bun at the top of his head, instead of his signature ponytail, with baby hairs pulled out at his hairline. His eyes were a different shade of gold, they glistened and shone, even without the sunlight hitting him. You hadn’t seen his scar, and frankly, you never wanted to, but you really had no choice, frowning as you looked at it. “Um.. Are you okay?” 

His words sent your mind into an emotional frenzy, and you broke down as you recalled the day he left you, falling to your knees, tears flooding down your face, sobs thick with sorrow. It took Zuko by surprise, not exactly knowing how to help. He knelt beside you and gently placed his hand on your shoulder, to which you flinched away, looking up at him. His heart ached at the sight of your tear stained face; puffy eyes, red cheeks and swollen lips. However, it wasn’t until he looked closer at your broken eyes that he saw. He saw that they were the same broken eyes , the same teary eyes that pleaded him not to leave. Gasping, he pulled you into a hug. You grunted, struggling in his grip.

“Get off!” Your voice broke as you pushed him away from you. Zuko didn’t know what to do. He thought you would be happy to see him after all these years, but then again his abrupt exit left you shattered, and he could clearly see it.

“Y/N..”

“Don’t you dare.” You glared at him, flames in your eyes. He sighed in defeat and shut his mouth, looking at you, waiting for you to say something. When you didn’t, Zuko sighed and opened his mouth once again.

“Y/N, please. Just let me-”

“Stop it.” You spat, venom thick on your tongue. “You think you can just leave me, your best friend, for three years, come back with the avatar as Fire Lord and I’ll forgive you? You’re stupid, Zuko.” He breathed when you said his name, sadness glossing over his eyes. 

“Y/N, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, you’ll never understand.”

“Sorry doesn’t fix something like this.” Zuko dodged your gaze as you tried to lock your eyes with his. “I loved you. I loved you more than anything. I was there for you, through everything. And you left me, without a care in the world. Tch. Some Fire Lord.” The harsh words, and use of past tense, caused the boy to flinch, his brows knitting together in empathy.

“Y/N-”

“Stop saying my-”

“Can you just let me talk? Please?” You were hurting, and knew you deserved some sort of an explanation, so you allowed him to continue. “I’m sorry, Y/N. Truly. I can never, ever take back what I did. It breaks my heart knowing what I did to you. And I wish I could take it back. But, I just want you to know.. I never stopped thinking about you. I loved you a-and I still do. With all of my heart. I’m s-”

“Stop saying you’re sorry.”

“You’re why I changed my path. When I left, I thought my destiny was to capture the avatar and restore my honor, and come home, to you. To my family. But my Uncle got inside my head and I began to realize that you would hate me, if I enabled my father’s sick fantasy of superiority. So I had to do something about it. And that’s why I’m here, trying to make amends for what my family had done. I am so, so sorry, Y/N. And if you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me, I would be-” Zuko was cut off by you, pulling him into a tight hug. He sighed contently, happy to finally have you back in his arms, willingly. He stroked your hair as you sobbed against his chest. You felt safe in his embrace and gently leaned into him, smiling at his warmth.

“I never stopped loving you, Y/N.” Feeling too weak to say anything, you looked up to him and cupped his cheek in your small hand, smiling wider than you had before, tears staining your pretty face. Zuko leaned into your touch and smiled back at you, using his thumbs to delicately wipe the tears from your face. He pressed a light kiss to your temple before pulling you into a hug once again. You sniffled, before opening your mouth to speak.

“I forgive you, Zuko.”

“Thank you, Y/N.”

“Zuko?”

“Yes?”

“I never stopped loving you either.” Zuko smiled at your words, slowly leaning in before touching his lips with yours. You were both equally as happy to be back in each other’s arms. You loved each other, and you were finally together again. The Fire Lord finally felt like he was truly at home again, as did you, in his embrace.

“So... ‘Fire Lord Zuko’, huh?”

my masterlist (requests open!)

A/N : guys im SO SORRY i havent written for so long and i promise im getting to the other requests but it might take me a little while and im so so sorry but im suffering such bad writers block rn and ive been so busy the last few days too but anyway im so sorry this is short i hope u like it though and i also hope you have a fantastic day ilysm<3 xo p

[illfoandillfie]

ok sorry but how many people do yall think rog has ever slept with cos i’m guessing four figures no lie

okay, i don’t normally respond to messages like this because, frankly, i dont really feel like its my place to speculate on roger’s sex life. Theres a difference between writing a fiction story with a character named after and inspired by him and discussing his actual personal life which i have no real knowledge about. What he gets up to in his free time is between him and the women he does it with. but i didn’t really feel able to ignore this one. please don’t take this as me telling you off or shutting you down or anything like that. If you want to speculate about roger’s body count thats up to you, go nuts with it. and i love when you guys message me and I don’t want to discourage you from feeling like you can talk to me or just send me your random thoughts or whatever about any subject. But I feel like I need to address why I disagree with this sentiment. Also so I can ask ya’ll to please stop asking me questions like this. 

So firstly, just to get this out of the way. 1000 is a lot. even 100 is a lot. I think if rog had slept with 1000+ people he’d have a least a few illegitimate kids and probably would have been checked into rehab for sex addiction (not to mention STIs and such because lbr people in the 70s specifically probs werent the most careful especially if drugs were involved). I mean even if we were going to say Rog got lucky with a different woman after every show we wouldn’t reach 1000. According to google, Queen played around 700 shows in their entire career. If we add shows played by The Cross thats only another 67 odd shows (according to wikipedia). 

now, i think there are 3 things that contribute to this idea of roger as especially promiscuous. 1. His attitude/demeanour/general way he sells himself. 2. the generally held conceptions about rock stars and rock star behaviour. and 3. what i’m going to call fandom dumbassery (but i mean that with a lot of love) 

So lets start with the man himself. Roger Taylor is loud and opinionated and not particularly humble. He knows he’s talented and attractive though for at least some time he was a little self-conscious about how feminine he looked. He’s always up for a laugh, likes to party and has admitted to enjoying his drink and his women. He’s had kids with two different women, who’s relationships “overlapped”, and is currently married to a third. At least that’s the perception we can gleam from his interviews, behind the scenes videos, and other public appearances. 

It’s easy to see how that image leads to accusations of being a womaniser and a cheater and basically a bit of a slut lmao. But here’s the thing. I think Roger, in part, markets himself that way. The thing is, if you look at his solo songs and the relationships he currently has with his kids and their mothers, and things other people have said about him/his relationships over the years, I think it’s fair to say he also has a bit of a romantic streak maybe? idk if thats the best way of describing it...he’s self confessed to not being a fan of marriage and the like but he’s not opposed to writing and singing love songs and seems to believe in ~love~ as a concept/power. He certainly cares deeply for those closest to him. Whether or not that translates to an agreement with monogamy I can’t say for certain. It’s hard to draw conclusions here because a lot of what we know of his personal life was fed to us through magazines and news paper gossip column articles and they were never looking for the truth, they were looking for scandal and sensationalism. 

For instance the whole thing with the overlapping relationships. I think most people who have read anything about roger and dom and debbie realise that it’s not as cut and dry as “he was cheating with debbie and left dom for her” even though that was the story being sold by the press at the time. The reality (or at least the version closer to reality since obviously no one outside of them and whoever they were closest with knows all the nitty gritty details) is that rog and dom had already split when they got married. it was a marriage of convenience to make sure her and the kids would be looked after financially etc even after he’d moved out. So while it looked to the public like he married one chick and 30 odd days later was spotted with another, there really wasn’t anything untoward happening.  I’m not saying he never had casual hookups or one night stands and i’m not saying he never cheated, but I do think some of it’s been exaggerated, whether by him to encourage the rock star perception or by newspaper/magazine articles.

Now, obviously, we have stories of rog, particularly in the late 60s and into the 70s, being with multiple women. There’s that bit in the Interview with a Queen “Groupie” (which is a fantastic read and i defs recommend checking it out if you havent already) where she talks about roger being a chick magnet and says that, at the time, it was pretty common to sleep about. But, she also says she didnt notice him doing it more or less than anyone else and seemed to mostly be with Jo (his girlfriend at the time). This is the same Jo that got a mention in the Queen in 3D book (”i think we all had the feeling that these two were together for life, but it was not to be”). Conversely, we have that quote (which i cannot find rn but i’ll link it when i do) about roger sometimes having one girl upstairs while another waited in the garage for them to be finished. I think it was about Rog in the mid-late 60s in Truro but whatever. Obviously he wasn’t anywhere near celibate and it’s likely was sleeping with people outside of his relationship(s). But one has to assume that as he got older those kinds of antics stopped happening, at least as frequently.

There is one potential story that I remember reading somewhere along the way about Roger cheating on Debbie while she was pregnant. But, take that with a grain of salt because I can’t find the article again and also I think it was from like The Sun or something equally as rubbish. The press was notoriously always printing mean shit about the boys and that might have been another thing they published to create scandal. Even so, if we assume it’s legit that is still only 1 story. Not to throw him under the bus but Brian is the one with multiple confirmed affairs, who literally wrote songs about it all. So why is Roger the one with sleazy reputation? 

This is where my second and third points come in. There is a pervasive idea about what it means to be a rock star. The whole trashing hotel rooms, sleeping with groupies, passing out drunk every night thing. And I’m sure that Queen was like that to an extent. I think it’s pretty common knowledge that all of them got up to shit on the road. Between innuendo laden interviews and songs, videos and accounts of their parties, stories CT has put online, and other stories like the one of Roger bringing out lines of coke as dessert when he was having dinner with motley crue. They definitely embraced the rock and roll lifestyle. And I think with Roger’s personality being what it is, it’s easy to link him to those traditional rock star tropes and say it was all true all the time. I also think Roger has done nothing to counter those beliefs. He’s been open about how he wanted to be a rock star since the minute he picked up a guitar, he’s labelled himself as a great lay in magazines, he’s joked about girls pulling their tits out over dinner in interviews (though he said he didnt take her home), he’s written songs like One Night Stand and Dirty Mind and Airheads which explicitly mention his preference for women and alcohol. I think it’s fair to say he’s kind of encouraged that view of himself. Whether it was just a side effect of being part of such a well known band and having such a boisterous demeanour/personality, or whether it was intentional as a version of promotion i don’t know. maybe a mix of them? I mean I’m sure it didn’t hurt sales and stuff. it’s the whole guys want to be him, girls want to be with him thing, right? Maybe that’s just me being cynical though lmao. 

Anyway, the fandom brain has taken all of that and compressed it into memes and jokes about rog being the band slut. Which i’m not complaining about, lord knows i’ve made the same jokes and reblogged the same posts and used those tropes in my fics. They’re funny and lend themselves to interesting fic concepts. Plus, i think roger is the sort of person who would probably laugh about most of it. But it’s an idea that keeps feeding into itself through fandom, perpetuating what is probably a misguided view of his personal life.

Again, I am sure he’s had his fair share of fun and I’m not trying to make out that he was always perfect or whatever, but I don’t think he’s been with as many women as the popular discourse would imply and I certainly don’t think he’s in the 4 digit numbers. 

[arthurflecksgirl]

Hiiii it's me again😂❤️ Can I have a ff where Artie Is at Arkham and it's his last day in. and x Reader comes to pick him up from the hospital🥺 and they go home together, and as always if you want to add some cuddles or She helps Artie to take a warm bath🥺 It would be nice

Oh my dear friend, thank you so much for the request. It was a very emotional ride and very intimate to write. I hope with all my heart that you will like it. Love you so much!

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

The moment the door opened you felt your heart crumble. That heavy, white door with the tiney window. He must have stared at this window for so many nights.

The bed was empty. For a second you feared that he broke out of the hospital. If that was the case they would find him and lock him up again. Way longer than last time. The thought of being seperated from him for another few weeks or months seemed unbearable. Looking back at the last weeks without him made you wonder how you managed to stay sane yourself. The empty bed, the stillness of his  empty apartment...it felt like the walls were closing in on you. Night for night was spent on his couch, alone, trying to remember his skin on yours, pressing his pillow close to your face to smell the remains of his sweat and shampoo that got caught up in the soft fabric.

He was missing from you like a part of your very own body. And now you`re gonna get your missing part back. Taking it home with you. Filling his apartment with love again.

Your eyes searched for him. That room. Standig between these four walls made you feel snowblind. All the white. Even Arthur was dressed in white.  The only contrast was his dark hair .

Arthur was sitting in the corner of the room. Crumbled up on the floor, like a piece of paper. Like a love letter that wasn`t well written enough to send it, so the writer just formed it into a ball and threw it across the room.

But you wanted to read it. Every sentence. Every letter. You wanted to take that page and uncrumble it. Make it readable again, to realize how beautifully written it actually was. Poetry. The purest form there ever was.

Arthur was the poem who remained unnoticed. Unseen by so many. Even by the ones who wrote him.

The doctor kept looking at you, talked about last night and how Arthur kept whimpering your name. But all you could do was focusing on that one curls that fell to Arthurs forehead. His head was hanging heavy on his shoulders. He looked downwards.

"Artie, darling? I`m here. " you got up to him to knee on the ground.

Arthur finally lifted his head. The circles under his eyes darkened  since you saw him two days ago. He looked exhausted as you gently stroke his hair. A tired smile crossed his sad eyed face. His curls felt greasy like he didnt washed it for at least a week.

"You look tired, darling"

Arthur tried to get up but he seemed so much weaker than he was when he got here.

"Im so tired, Y/N. I`m so very tired." He sat down on the floor again "You`re really here aren`t you?"

"I am.  Its your last day. I will take you home with me now".

Arhur started to cry "Can you please hug me. I need to feel that this is real. I want to hug you but....I can`t"

It was now that you realized that he was still in his handcuffs.

You wrapped your arms around him so tight you felt his ribcage poking you. Silent tears fell from his eyes onto your shoulders.  "I missed you so much, Arthur. I was so incompleate without your breath on my neck at night. "

He nodded, unable to answer. He just cried.

"Cry, sweetheart.its okay let it all out. It`s over now. You can go home with me. No more lonely night in this cold room. We`re gonna go home now and I`m gonna make you a nice, hot bath before we disappear under the sheets.

The doctor looked at you with disguise "A hot bath sounds like a plan. Mr Fleck refused to take a shower for 9 days straight. "

You didnt liked the tone in her voice.

"Why is he still wearing his handcuffs anyway?" you asked.

"Because you can never know with him." The doctor replied, giving him a dirty look.

You wanted to tell her how damn rude she was but you kept silent to not risk anything.

"And he refused to eat,too. We actually thought he wated to starve himself to death in here. Which is illegal."

The anger inside of you grew with every word she said, but you concentrated on Arthur and supported him to get up. "C`mon, darling. We`re gonna leave this place now."

Arthur once again fell into your arms, desperately trying to touch you with his cuffed hands. You held his fingers  inside your fist "You`ll feel better soon, I promise."

The doctor took a step closer and got the keys to unlock the handcuffs. "Goodbye, Mr. Fleck. " her voice sounded cold and heartless. You noticed her taking a step back as Arthur looked up to starte into her eyes. Almost like she was afraid of him. How could anyone be afraid of him?

Arthur didnt answer. The second his hands were free he hugged you with his whole body. So tight it felt like you shared the same jumpsuit. He held your face between his hands. They were as gentle as always. The most gently hands in the world. He seemed different. But still the same. His fingertips stroke your face, your cheekbones and nose, your chin. "I missed touching you, Y/N. Oh, I need to touch you so bad. "  The intensivity of his eyes never left, even when he looked as tired as  he did now. He was so touch starved. Just as you.

"Not in here, Mr Fleck. You know the rules." The doctors voice really got on your nerves. Did she had any idea how hard it was not being able to share your love ? Did she even knew how it felt to be in love? To be forced to leave your other half behind? At a mental hospital?

You both ignored her, touching each others faces "I missed the taste of you" he breathed upon your mouth, right before your lips met. Arthur kissed you with all that was within him. His mouth was dry from all the medication. His lips cracked.  But his kiss was full of love and admiration for you. Full of longing and pain.

Your fingers ran through his messy hair. It was getting even longer than usual. Almost reaching his shoulders.

"Please!" The doctor started to sound angry. "This is not allowed! You`ve got enough time in your hands when you`re out of this building".

Your lips parted again.

"Thats right Dr. Finn. Goodbye." you grabbed Arthurs hand and lead him out of the room.

Before you left Arkham Arthur was lead into the changing room, where he got rid of his white clothing. He looked so much more like himself when he got back. His brown cardigan made him look softer than ever before. He touched the soft, worn out fabric of it, convincing himself that this was all real. Grounding.

It felt good to leave this bulding which became his second home after so many years of being in and out. A home that felt more like a prison since there was someone waiting for him outside these walls.

The whole way home  on the tram Arthur rested his head on your shoulder, closing his eyes. He needed sleep.

"I havent slept for days" he whispered while you sqeezed his hand. "I couldnt close an eye without you by my side. Even the sleeping pills couldnt help."

"We`re gonna make you rest as soon as we get home, Artie."

Artur almost drifted off into sleep on the ride home. Leaning on your shoulder was enough to make him feel save enough to get sleepy.

When you arrived home you took off his sweater and pants "You`re freezing, baby."

"I know."

"Do you still want to take a bath before going to bed?"

"Yeah...please! I feel kinda... dirty".

You kissed his forehead and handed him a bathrobe "Put this on while the water is still running. It will keep you warm. I will make you some soup, okay? You gotta eat something,too."

Arthur nodded "Okay. But...I`m afaraid my stomach cant hold it. They gave me some new meds and it was getting worse again. "He looked ahamed as you walked into the kitchen to boil some water. "Dont worry, Artie. We`ll go slowly. But we have to try. I wont let you go to bed with an empty stomach today. It must have been days since you had eaten something. "

Arthur followed you into the kitchen. He needed to be near you every second. He looked so lost in his bathrobe. So helpless.

"Alright, the soup will be  done when you finished bathing. " you smiled. Arthur mirrored your smile and followed you  back into the bathroom. He stil walked like he had his handcuffs on, which was a sad thing to wittness.

Arthur froze when you helped him out of his bathrobe and into the bathtub. He was even skinnier than usual. His body looked like he was close to a break down. His shoulderbone seemed like it was about to burst through his fragile skin. He`s got some small bruises on his wrists and his tummy was sucked in.

The warm water felt like an embrace as he let himself sink into it. He immediately closed his eyes and awaited your touch.

"I`m so gald to be home" he mumbled as you started to shampoo his sweaty hair. Washing his beautiful curls always felt very intimate to you. You had a thing for his hair. Every strain of it was holy to you. Every curl a poem.

You noticed a small wound on his forehead as you tried not to let the shampoo run into his eyes. "You`re hurt"

"I know. It was my fault. I did it to myself. I`m sorry if I disappoint you"

"Artie, you could never disappoint me. Do you hear me?"

He nodded.

"I love you more than anything, Arthur"

"My whole life I never loved anything else" he replied.

You stopped washing his hair for a second to lean in to kiss him. The warm water dripped down his forehead. You tasted his shampoo upon your lips.

He was home with you.

Life was sweet.

You took the sponge and washed away the pain and loneliness. Every bad memory, every sleepless night at Arkham. You washed it all way. Watching the pain dissappear in his eyes.

Arthurs musicles started to relax under your  tender touch. Even his tense tummy.

He was thankful for all the attention, the love. A smile crossed his face after he got out of the bathtub. You hugged him while he was still naked.

"You feel better now, sweetheart?"

" A lot, Y/N. Thank you. I`m trying to eat some soup now. Just for you!"

"Thats great, Artie. lets do it" you handed him oneof his sweaters. "Um....can I have....would you let me wear one of yours? " he asked with his little voice.

"Of course, Arthur. Oh god, sure. Wait I will get you one!"

A minute later you came back with your fave sweater. Arthur slipped into it like it was his.

"Thank you so much. Its so comortig to wear your clothes".

"Anytime, baby" you got the bowl of soup.

Arthur sat down on the couch. He didnt even asked for a cigarette.

You noticed his eyes watering.

"Whats wrong, Artie?"

"I`m afraid I might throw up. I`ll be so embarassing."

You took the spoon and put it to his lips "There is no reason to be ashamed. The important thing is to try. If you have to throw up its okay. "

"I threw up at Arkham and they yelled at me"

"I´m not gonna yell at you."

"I know....I know that." he whispered.

Arthur swallowed after you fed him the first spoon.

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah."

"Another?"

"Yeah"

You fed him three spoons of soup until he was close to spit it out again.

"Its okay, baby. Take your time. We`ve got all the time in the world to make you eat."

"Thank you so much, Y/N. I dont know what I would do without you."

Arthur waited five minutes until he was ready for another four spoons.

"I´m proud of you, Arthur. Really. You`re doing great.

"Thank you Y/N. For helping me with that. I think thats all I can eat for today. But maybe....tomorrow. Or later when I wake up. Maybe you can leave the bowl of soup next to my bed"

"Sure, darling." You kissed the corner of his mouth and placed the bowl on the table.

"Try to get some sleep now. I`ll be right here with you".

Arthur layed down on the couch as you joined him.

His huge blanket covered both of your bodies.

"Finally" he muttered, pulling you close to his heart, burying his face in the crook of your neck, kissing it gently as he breathed you in.

The familiar smell of his own sheets helped him relax.

"Y/N?"

"Yes Arthur?"

"Would you....like...sing me to sleep or something?"

"Of course,my love"

Arthur closed his tired eyes as your voice quietly echoed through apartment 8J.

"The moon is a silver dollar shining up in the sky

There is a dream we can buy.

Sweetheart you and I

The moon is a silver dollar

Made for lovers to share

And with you in my arms

I`m a millionaire

Our care in troubles

Will all be small change

Someday they all change

Into a dream come true

The moon is a silver dollar

What a glorious sight

Lets invest at him love

Tonight"

---

@impulsiveclown @ben-solos-writing-avenger @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @gwynplaine89 @damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss @sadjesterautumn @therealjokerking10 @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes  @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie @jokerflecker  @check-out-this-joker @darknessisafriend  @nicoleverse @mdme-rosary @arthurhappyclown    @neon-umbrella-for-stella   @cherrymoon75 @call-me-harley-quinn  @arthurjokersgirl

@aarthurfleckk @mylovelycrazyworld @clownalog @ajokerfangirl  @the-one-who-is-chaos

[ryqoshay]

Tri-Arame: Neso Display

Primary Pairing Trio: YuuAyuSetsu Words: ~1.6k Rating: G Time Frame: Sometime during their second year Story Arc: Stand Alone

Author’s Note: Setsu’s reaction to the Kasumin Box was adorable and got me thinking. This is the result.

“Ayumu!” Yuu called. “Ayumu! Look! Look!”

Ayumu turned her gaze to here her friend was pointing excitedly. “Eeeeh?” She recoiled in surprise.

“They finally made merchandise for you guys!” Yuu cried joyously holding up a fan with a picture of Ayumu from a recent photoshoot. “I need to buy something! What to get? What to get?” She began searching the display.

Ayumu felt a strange mixture of embarrassment and pride as she scanned the collection. It felt odd knowing people would be buying items with her image on them, but she was learning to accept the support of her growing fanbase. And the fact that companies deemed their group popular enough to invest in creating merchandise was a testament to the effort everyone had put in, particularly for the recent School Idol Festival.

And of course, Yuu was thrilled, which didn’t come as any surprise, but it made Ayumu happy anyway.

“Ooo… Nesoberis!” Yuu suddenly reached forward to grab a plush. “Look, Ayumu! It’s you!” She held out a small, stuffed version of the redhead. “And it’s almost as cute as you, too!”

“Y-Yuu-chan…” Ayumu felt heat rise in her cheeks.

“Oh, they have Setsuna-chan as well! And Rina-chan! And… looks like everyone. I should take a picture.” Yuu fumbled for her phone. “I’ll bet Ai-chan will want one of Rina-chan.”

“And probably visa versa.” Ayumu found her voice again.

“That’s true.” Yuu agreed. “Say, do you think Kasumi-chan would want one of herself?” She grinned at her own joke.

“Perhaps.” Ayumu chuckled. “Although are you sure she wouldn’t want one of someone else?”

“Hrm…” Yuu considered. “I dunno. Maybe. But she would probably want one of Kasumi-chan.”

“It’s a shame they don’t have one of Yuu-chan.” Ayumu lamented for a moment.

“But I’m not a school idol.” Yuu laughed. “Why would they make one of me?”

“Sorry to keep you waiting!” Setsuna announced as she approached the other two, holding up the bag with her newly purchased manga. “Thanks for coming with me.”

“Ne, Setsuna-chan! Look!” Yuu held out the plush still in her hand.

Immediately, grey eyes began to sparkle. “It’s so~ cu~te!” Setsuna cooed, reaching forward to touch it and practically squealing with delight as Yuu let her take it. “Almost as cute as the real Ayumu-san.” She held it close for inspection.

“I know, right!” Yuu nodded enthusiastically.

Geez, now Setsuna-chan’s doing it too. Ayumu was thankful there were no mirrors around as she no desire to see what her face looked like at that moment.

“And look, they have the whole club!” Yuu motioned dramatically to the display.

As far as Ayumu was concerned, Setsuna looked like she was about to die and go to heaven. And now that the focus seemed to be off her for the moment, she smiled as she watched her friend excitedly examine each version.

“I can’t decide.” Setsuna suddenly said as she stared at her armload of stuffed toys. “I want them all.”

Yuu laughed. “Setsuna-chan is going for a harem.”

The shorter girl shook her head. “A commemoration.” She corrected as her expression became more wistful. “You guys are all the closest friends I’ve had.” She explained. “I haven’t always had the easiest time making friends, what with hiding my hobbies at home and my identity at school.”

“What about the other members of the school council?” Yuu inquired.

“They’re more like coworkers or professional acquaintances. They only know Nana. They don’t know Setsuna, or any of this.” Setsuna motioned to the school idol merchandise.

“I see.”

“Perhaps someday I’ll let them in on the truth, but for now, I’m happy with the friends I’ve made in the club. And making a display of these would help me celebrate that fact.” Her normal smile returned as she hugged the nine nesos. “And I really can’t get over how cute they are.”

“Since you put it that way, I kinda wanna get one of each as well.” Yuu turned back to the display. “But I’m a little short this week, so I may have to collect them a few at a time. So today…” She picked up two “I think I’ll just one of Ayumu and Setsuna-chan. How about you?” She turned to the tallest girl of the three.

“Oh, uhm…” Ayumu scanned the display. “It would feel strange to get one of myself…”

“It’s fine, right?” Yuu shrugged. “Setsuna-chan is getting one of herself too.”

“No, I mean I feel like I should get at least one other…” She picked up one of her own and… Geez, they really are all as cute as Setsuna-chan said. Setsuna-chan… Her hand moved in that direction. “There, now I won’t get lonely.” She joked, holding up the two.

“Ayu-pyon needs her company after all.” Yuu chuckled.

Though that was the reference to which she herself had alluded, Ayumu still wasn’t quite used to hearing that nickname. But that was fine for now.

With new purchases to be made by all three, the girls headed to the registers.

Setsuna stood back and admired her newly set up display, the first idol themed thing she had put out in the open in her own room now that her parents had accepted her participation in the club. They were still slowly coming around to anime, so Setsuna hadn’t broken out everything from her storage places in her closet, at school and with various friends. However, a small shrine to school idols was probably alright now, especially since they represented her friends.

Her friends…

She stepped over to her desk and picked up her phone. She then aligned a shot of the collection, took it and sent it to the other members of the club through their group chat. Almost immediately, responses started to come in from the other girls and Setsuna smiled as she read the positive comments.

Idly, Setsuna picked up the Ayumu neso. It was a shame there wasn’t a Yuu to go with it, but Yuu wasn’t an idol. Still, Setsuna thought it would be a cute one. Cute… They were all cute. However, despite someone like Kasumi proudly proclaiming her cuteness, Setsuna found she much preferred the pure and unassuming cuteness of someone like Ayumu. She touched the tiny bun on the side of the Ayumu’s head and smiled.

Ayumu had shown Setsuna how to make the stylized bun surrounded by braids a while back. Setsuna had managed to do it on her own, not once but twice, to give herself twin buns during the club’s summer camp. However, in doing so, she had realized she preferred letting someone else do it for her. Someone more skilled and who seemed to enjoy working with hair. Someone like Ayumu.

Wait, what am I doing? Setsuna blinked back to reality as she realized she had been hugging the nesoberi tightly to her chest while lost in her thoughts. But… was that actually wrong? Hugging cute plushies was a normal thing to do, right? Even when they looked like…

Blushing, Setsuna put the nesoberi back in its place and went to her desk to study for a while. However, every now and again, she found herself glancing back over at her new display of idol merchandise. And each time she couldn’t help smiling as she recalled why she wanted all of them.

She was glad she hadn’t decided to wait to collect all of them like Yuu and Ayumu were doing. Sure, she would have to put off getting a couple new books immediately upon their release for the next month or two, but it had been worth it.

Her attention kept returning to the nesoberis even as she closed her books and started getting ready to turn in for the night. Part of her wanted to take one down again and bring it to bed with her, but another part of her was hesitant, stuck on trying to decipher the details of the desire.

Her phone vibrated.

TakasakiYuu: Sorry for the late reply

TakasakiYuu: I lost track of time working on new songs for you guys

TakasakiYuu: Hope you havent already gone to bed

TakasakiYuu: If so sorry if I woke you up

ScarletStorm: I’m still awake

TakasakiYuu: Oh good

TakasakiYuu: I wanted to show you my display

TakasakiYuu: Ayumu already got to see it in person

TakasakiYuu: She even helped me figure out where to put them

A picture arrived showing the Ayumu and Setsuna nesoberis on the bookshelf beside Yuu’s keyboard, turned such that it looked like they were watching.

TakasakiYuu: Normally Id have them facing out into the room

TakasakiYuu: But when I turn them like this its kinda like you two are here with me to help me when I get stuck on something

TakasakiYuu: Its already helped me twice tonight

TakasakiYuu: I dont think Ill have room for all seven like this

TakasakiYuu: Well I mean I can fit them all here on the shelf when I get them

TakasakiYuu: But theres really only room to turn two like this

TakasakiYuu: But thats alright

TakasakiYuu: Im happy its at least you two

ScarletStorm: That’s a cute idea

ScarletStorm: I love it

ScarletStorm: Thanks for showing it to me

TakasakiYuu: Anyway I hope you guys like what Ive written

TakasakiYuu: Ill have something to listen to before practice tomorrow

ScarletStorm: I’m sure it will be good

ScarletStorm: I’ll look forward to it

TakasakiYuu: Have a good night!

TakasakiYuu: Sleep well!

ScarletStorm: You as well

Setsuna turned off the screen of her phone and set it next to her clock in her headboard.

Sleep well… She would sleep well while snuggling something soft and cute…

With that thought in mind, she grabbed her Ayumu nesoberi again and lay down. It was fine just for one night, right? She had a test coming up the next day and needed a good night of rest. And if Yuu had new material to work on, practice would be intense as well, so she would also need to sleep well for that.

Setsuna hugged the plush to her chest and closed her eyes.

Author’s Note Continued in Followup Post

[goldenhemmings]

Florida - A Stealing Second Extra | Baseball!Shawn

Hello, angels!!! This is me finally getting around to posting some Stealing Second blurbs because Spring Training is coming up and I can’t contain the baseball excitement. This particular piece takes place around eight or so months after where they were at the end of the final part and it’s 1.4k words. It can also be read as a standalone piece if you haven’t read the series, but if you’d like to read it, it’s linked in my masterlist! 

A pre-read study guide isn’t really needed other than to explain Spring Training a little bit! Basically, every spring right before a new season starts, the MLB teams divide between Arizona (my home sweet home) and Florida to begin practicing again. I explain it a little bit more in the blurb but, as always, if you have any questions please feel free to ask as well as send feedback! 

February was always your favorite month growing up, but for a somewhat unconventional reason. It most certainly was not because of Valentine’s Day, or even due to the (very) slightly warmer weather. February was your favorite month because it brought the beginning of Spring Training games: a glorious five weeks of exhibition baseball that culminated in MLB’s Opening Day at the tail-end of March. Every year, the arrival of Spring Training meant your family’s annual trip to sunny Florida for a week of watching the Blue Jays play at Dunedin Stadium. Once the World Series ended in October you would be majorly looking forward to the day when pitchers and catchers first reported to their teams’ stadiums in Arizona and Florida, and the countdown to the first Spring Training game began from there.

It was funny how quickly things could change.

As you’d gotten older, the family baseball trip eventually stopped happening. And, now that you were with Shawn, Spring Training meant over a month without seeing him while the team was down in Florida; something you were beginning to have to face the reality of. Away series’ were hard enough; you had to completely immerse yourself in the work that came with your new Media Relations position with the Jays in order to distract yourself while he was gone. You’d gotten used to having your boyfriend of eight months all to yourself now that it was the off-season, and you would soon have to adjust to once again sharing him with baseball fans everywhere. You had no idea what you were in for when it came to five consecutive weeks without him.

The point of Spring Training was to obviously get established players from the thirty teams back into the swing of baseball, but it was the younger, lesser-known players that got the majority of the playing time, as a large facet of Spring Training was giving new guys the chance to try out for an official spot on their team’s roster. Shawn had gotten loads of playing time last year, but now that he’d spent a full season as the Blue Jays’ starting second baseman you knew he’d get considerably less time on the field this spring. He was going to be gone for five weeks, and you would hardly even get to see him play.

On a Friday night in the second-to-last week of January after a particularly stressful day at work, you found yourself curled into the side of the couch in your and Shawn’s shared apartment, a glass of wine in hand as a random made-for-TV movie played in the background. Shawn had gone for dinner with a few friends he used to play with back in high school, and he was going to be home any minute. To say you couldn’t wait would be an understatement.

As if he’d read your mind, you heard keys jingling in the lock of the front door. You craned your neck over the back of the sofa to see Shawn come in the door, kicking his shoes off to leave them in the foyer. “Hey, hon,” he called, shrugging off his coat as he made his way over to you. You set your wine glass down on the coffee table just before Shawn sat next to you, a curious white envelope in his hand.

You quirked an eyebrow, motioning towards it. “Whatcha got there?”

He grinned, causing your brow to furrow and a small, curious smile to cross your mouth. “I have a surprise for you,” he stated simply, handing the envelope over to you. You took it hesitantly, turning it over in your hands to see if there was anything written anywhere on it. “The surprise is inside the envelope, believe it or not,” he added sarcastically, and you rolled your eyes as you playfully nudged his arm with your shoulder.

You delicately tore back the envelope’s flap, revealing a piece of paper that had been folded up to fit inside. You began to straighten it out, looking up to quirk an eyebrow at Shawn who just sat there smiling back at you. You returned your focus to the paper in your hand, staring at it until you suddenly realized what it was: a flight confirmation. A flight confirmation to Florida during Spring Training. You snapped your widened eyes back up to Shawn.

“Shawn, I--,” you stuttered, almost speechless. “I don’t know what to say. This is amazing, I can’t believe you did this for me, and--” Wait. You suddenly froze as rational thoughts began to flood back into your mind, and you let out the excited breath you were holding.

Shawn narrowed his eyes at you, moving his hand to rest on your thigh. “Hey. What’s wrong?”

You sighed heavily. “There’s no way I can take time off of work this soon.” You swallowed hard, knowing full well you’d just crushed him, but the smirk that crossed his face caused your brow to furrow even more.

“See, I figured that, which is why I talked to your boss before I even bought the ticket. You’ve got exactly a week off.”

“W-what? You talked to Greg?”

He nodded, sporting a grin that evidenced how proud of himself he was for pulling it off. “His one condition was that you send in at least three team status reports to MLB.com, but I figured that wouldn’t really matter considering you’d be scorekeeping and taking down notes and stats anyways.”

You giggled, partly out of pure giddiness and partly because of how Shawn knew you like the back of his hand. “Exactly. So that’s a very small price to pay,” you responded, pressing your fingers to your mouth. “I can’t believe I’m going to Florida.”

“We’re going to Florida,” he repeated, a massive grin stretching across his face as you flung your arms around his neck, tackling him down in a hug as the two of you erupted into a fit of excited laughter.

“I’m just excited to finally see you in uniform again,” you teased, face still pressed into his neck.

“Yeah?” he laughed, pulling back to shoot you a smug smile.

You giggled. “You know I love you in your jersey.”

“I love you in my jersey,” Shawn replied, and you buried your face back into the crook of his neck as you felt heat rise to your cheeks. He chuckled, pressing a chaste kiss to your shoulder as his arms wrapped completely around your waist, anchoring you against him as though he were worried you’d float away.

You laid there for a while, chest to chest with Shawn’s back pressed against the couch, until you felt him suck in a breath. You propped yourself up on your forearms, looking down at him and silently prompting him to speak. “I forgot to mention something.”

You frowned, a quizzical expression coloring your features. “What did you forget?”

You could see him trying to bite back a smile, and you began to giggle lightly in nervous anticipation of what he was going to say. “So we don’t have a game one of the days you’re out there,” he began, and you hummed in understanding, waiting for him to continue. “So right after our game the day before, we’re gonna go to a little island just off the coast and we’ll be able to spend the entire next day there. I got us a room right on the water and everything.”

“Wait, are you serious?” you interrogated, feeling your eyes bulge in shock.

“One hundred percent,” Shawn replied matter-of-factly, his brown eyes never leaving yours.

You pressed your face into his chest, almost too surprised to speak. “I cannot believe you, Mendes,” you muttered against his shirt, and he laughed. “You’re the fucking best.”

“What was that?”

You picked your head up, resting your chin on your hands that were pressed flat against his torso. “I said you’re the best.”

He frowned, making a show of reaching his hand behind his ear and tilting his head towards you. “One more time?”

You scoffed lightly, pressing your cheek back against his shirt. “You heard me.”

“Heard what?”

“I hate you,” you retorted, biting back a smile as you absentmindedly reached a hand up to thread through his hair.

“But I thought I was the best?”

“Whatever, Mendes,” you giggled, lifting your head to press a kiss to the underside of his jaw and letting out a little hum of content.

It was suddenly only a matter of time until you’d be seeing your favorite team, in your favorite place, with your favorite boy, and you couldn’t be more excited. Finally.

Feedback makes me very happy!

If you want to be removed from the taglist for any extra pieces I post, that’s no prob at all!! Just message me so I know. For this first blurb, I’m gonna keep it the same except that I removed those users it wouldn’t let me tag:

@ashwarren32 @d-arkestangel @idkseavey @yellowitsmendes @north1692 @calistheloml @perfectlywrongfm @gentleshawn @mariemmendes @shawnsmercy @wildest-dream- @shortieshake @shadowsndaisies @yourwonderbelle @madon566 @ruinmeshawn @itrocksmysocks @just-another-fan-girl-for-you @ilovejackavery @vnv21 @planstonightbaby @lou-la-lou @greteeweetee @shawnyimagines @helpmemendes @overactiveimaginati0n @princessflutterwolf @justjustyncase @falling-stars-never-cry @colorful-dodie @andreburakovskyyyyyyy @giveme-gaskarth @ayetami @x-seventeen-x @onlynarry @to-the-road @hollandechart @princessmendes13 @rare-breed-of-human @prettymuchboodup @jc-paramore @etherealchar @ykicantbefoundwithyou @choripxn @noodleboyluke @petit-funsize @heavenly---holland @the-claire-bitch-project @sleepybesson @zankivich  @qxeen-of-hearts @begging-mnds @shawnsvlogsquad

[proflongbttm]

Tutor (Neville longbottom x Slytherin!Reader)

Note: Hello there! This is my introduction back into writing so my apologize if it isnt all too great. I really enjoyed writing this and getting back into the groove of things! I hope you enjoy, oh I also wish to thank the amazing writer @okaymalfcy for giving me the motivation to write this and the courage to publish it! If by some crazy means you havent already check their writing out do so right now! Its brilliant, I mean truely brilliant! Okay thats all from me! Enjoy! 

Word count:  1440

Chapter 2

It was a cold and crisp winter day, your favourite kind of days .It was the kind of day that forced you to wear your best bobble hats and cosy jackets to keep your bones from freezing off, the kind that made you huddle close into the blazing fire while the thick blanket draped over your shoulders is shared with your dearest friends in the late afternoon with a steaming cup of hot chocolate held tightly in your hands. The kind of day that makes the sweetest memories that could never be forgotten no matter how many years pass.

These kinds of days only became more amazing with your introduction to with fine wizarding school of hogwarts.

As wonderful as winter in the muggle world can be , it is nothing compared to that of a winter in the wonderful wizarding world. With hot chocolate that makes its own marshmallows and has the most amazing you will ever taste, snowmen that come to life with a gentle flick of a wand and talk to you until your ears fall off , snowball fights only improved with the help of magic, letting you throw at least three at a time at your target and sledging down the steepest, snowiest hills at unimaginable speeds to only keep soaring miles through the air on the very same sleigh seconds later!

It was all truly wonderful, but all still very new to you, even if it was your fourth year at Hogwarts. You were raised in a normal, but lovely, muggle home. A normal, lovley home that did not include flying broomsticks and powerful potions as much as your smaller self would have loved it. You never even knew about the wonder that was the wizarding world until you received your acceptance letter at the ripe age of eleven. A letter that  would set your life on a rare rollercoaster that your wildest youngest dreams could never counger up.

As lovley as it was though, your muggle upbringing is always whispered about amongst your fellow peers, your fellow slytherins that is.

Many of them proudly strive for “blood purity” amongst the school, so the mere thought of having a muggleborn share the same common room as them gave many of them a feeling that could only be described as disgust. To be quite honest, you were still confused as to why you were sorted into slytherin, you were very different from the setreotypical description of a slytherin. You were intelligent and wise, traits held by the house of  ravenclaw, you were loyal and accepting, typically characteristics of a hufflepuff, and you were also brave and outspoken, that of a gryffindor. So you didnt know just why you were a slytherin, you weren't cunning like other slytherins, as far as you knew anyway. What you did know was that if being muggleborn gave a reason for your house to mock and shame you, your unique personality definitely didn't help.

Though your loneliness did often dampen your spirits, your lack of friends gave you plenty of free time after classes, the majority of which was spent in the library doing what you loved, reading. Your passion for reading and learning made you quite smart, that was undoubted, it was well known that your grades rivaled those of the well known gryffindor Hermoine Granger. (something you were justly proud about.) However, it seemed that all the reading in the world couldn't help you wrap your head around one particular subject. Herbology. Whether it was remembering the conditions each magical plant needed, or the use for its beautiful roots and leaves, you always struggled with retaining anything the kind Professor Sprout taught you. Today was no acception.

You fidgeted in your seat and your leg bounce anxiously underneath your desk. Your eyes scanned the question on the sheet below you , it was still rather empty with answers, for a fourth or fifth time trying to think of what the use for cowbane is. Come to think of it you don't even remember learning about cowbane, or even hearing about it at all. Merlin, you were doomed.

By the end of the test, you had only written down four answers, all of which you were certain were incorrect. Professor Sprout asked the class to hand her their papers as they left the greenhouse before the test began. Once she announced that you could leave you shot out of you chair and quickly made a beeline to the exit, you disappointedly but quickly handed your almost empty test to the Professor and left the greenhouse. You could finally forget about that horrible herbology class and focus on your next subject, potions. That was until about five fast steps later you were summoned by the professor and asked to stay back, along with another student, Neville longbottom.

You recognised the name as soon as it left her lips. He was a Gryffindor boy, fourth year as well. Very unfortunate and accident prone but great at herbology, had a real talent with it, so it made no sense as to why he was asked to stay back, he's great at this subject, and the Professor knew it too, she makes sure to announce it when he gets high grades on her tests, much to his embarrassment.

You both waited silently in the greenhouse as the crowd of chattering students poured out, handing their answer filed papers to the professor one by one.

You could already hear her giving you the speech in your head, wishing that you’d try a little harder in her subject, and then you're grades might improve. It’s a conversation you have both had many times before. You glanced beside you at Neville, his face looked as confused as you were to why he was here. He looked a bit nervous too. An expression much more familiar to Neville’s face.

By now all the students had left, it was only you, Neville and Professor Sprout in the cool greenhouse. There was an awkward silence spread across the room, you and Neville gave a quick glance to each other, as if you were asking the other to say something, you both looked to the professor who now was correcting the papers, it seemed she had forgotten you and Neville were even there. After what left like a lifetime, Neville broke the silence.

“E-excuse me Professor, if you don't mind me asking, what was it you needed?” He asked curiously.

He was quite a shy and nervous boy, it was clear from his quiet but polite tone of voice. Professor Sprout looked up at you both, with a confused look, matching yours and Nevilles, then her eyebrows raised, she had remembered something.

 “Oh yes! Neville you see, Y/N here has been struggling a bit with this subject, and I was wondering if it's not too much hassle if you could tutor her to help elevate her grades, points will be awarded to gryffindor for this of course.”

Your eyes widened and your cheeks dusted with a light pink from embarrassment, she was right, you were struggling and a tutor would be a great help, but its still embarrassing you that you needed such help in the first place.

Nevilles face looked a bit shocked if anything, you shared a few classes, mainly potions, transfiguration and of course herbology, so he was aware of how smart you were, both you and Hermione often getting the highest grades in the other two subjects, so it was a little surprising to think you found herbology, a subject he found so easy and fun, to be difficult. What was more shocking to him is that you, a slytherin needed his help with it too. 

His eyes darted like a game of pinball. They went from the professor, to you, to the floor, to you again, to the floor, and finally back to the professor. His fingers nervously tapped against his leg inside his pocket. He didnt know what to say, you were a slytherin after all, which scared him a lot more then he wanted, what if you were just like most slytherins? Though now he thought of it you didn't talk in class like most slytherins, you didn't really talk at all, to anyone, but maybe there was for a reason. Even so, you were good at potions that he knew. Its always been a subject he struggles with, so if he said yes then maybe you could help him, that way you’re both happy.

“S-sure professor”  

Professor sprout smiled at you both, the edge of your lip raised and you returned a small grin back at her, finally you had some hope in this subject.

*This was a simple introduction chapter*  

Chapter two will be out in a few days! :)

[mistymark]

the one with the stagehand // m.k.l

mark lee x reader // theatre au // 1.4k // masterlist

summary; in which mark really wants to impress y/n but singing is not the way to go apparently

warnings; nope this is a Pure piece // no real plot

requested; nope but I havent posted in ages so :// here

notes; sorry for not posting in forever !! but here is my third mark post of the night so hopefully y'all will forgive me

mark has been talking about auditioning for the next production for a while

it may or may not be because you are the director’s assistant

the dreamies laugh but still encourage him to go for it, sure he’ll fail and/or embarrass himself

and that would be fucking hilarious

so mark goes and picks up a script from the actual director and practices in their dorm at all times of the day

after hearing the script three times, hyuck starts quoting it, and has learnt more than mark

hyuck starts teasing mark that he’ll go against him for the lead

after standing on the kitchen table in the middle of the living room and belting the lyrics to the audition song to everyone at breakfast (and surprisingly getting a lot of compliments for it), hyuck decides to audition 

tensions run high as both hyuck and mark start practicing

to spite mark, hyuck asks you to run lines with him

mark retalliates by telling the director that hyuck wants to be the love interest instead of the lead

(jisung asks you if he can join the stage crew - of course, you said yes)

chenle asks shortly after

you think its really sweet that they want to support the theatre students but really theyre both there to see jaemin and mark crash and burn during auditions

on audition day, both mark and hyuck audition for the lead role

they havent spoken in a week

(markhyuck summer fight of 2017 y'all)

you sit with the director and judge them

you smile when hyuck walks on stage, knowing how hard he’s worked

mark is kinda really annoyed, scowling as he watches hyuck “butcher” the audition song

ur really surprised when mark rocks up on stage

because ”im really more of a rapper dude cmon”

but nonetheless he did

and you were ????? shocked??? he was Great

but when he saw ur face

he had the most SMUG grin

and u were instantly like >_>>>>

anyways

once auditions were over

they both stomp out of the theatre, refusing to speak

the cast list is posted two days later, and they both race to find out who got the role. both of them physically deflate when they see the name.

JENO?! 

they’RE BOTH Y E L L I N G

loud bois

jeno walks down the hall calmly, just checking if he actually got the role

he’s very startled when he sees he’s got the lead

mark and hyuck demand answers, and finally speak to one another again (that is before mark points out hyuck got the lead as jeno’s love interest) 

hyuck is s p u t t e r i n g

“I didn’t even audition for that role!!!”

he’s very confused, before he sees that mark’s name isn’t even on the list

smugly, hyuck points this out

sticking his tongue out at mark

until jeno’s like

yo wait mark’s name is here

mark’s name is flagged as “lighting and tech, to report to y/n l/n”

mark is honestly more rapt with that than he would have been if he’d been given the lead

during practices, mark mucks around with the lights, mostly on purpose, partly because he has no idea what he’s doing, just so you have to go over the lights with him AGAIN

chenle is mostly unseen during rehearsals, but he is heard because he keeps dropping props and bumping into sets

they all hear jeno’s voice for the first time, and realise he was probably a better lead than both mark or hyuck

though hyuck is adamant it should've been him

“the director just has it out for me I swear!!! he didnt like me at all last year”

“no one did” - renjun, 2k19

you hang out in the lighting box most of the time, because that’s the only place kun can’t find you and ask you a million more questions about his sets and costumes

mark loves it, he jokes and makes you laugh, until he misses his queue for a light or something and you dont talk to him for half an hour so he can focus

hyuck, at first, refuses to play the love interest the way its written, swaggering around the stage and saying things like “this is ridiculous” after all of his lines

after a few practices, he gets really into it, and doesnt even need his script, he’s spent most of his afternoons memorising all of his lines and stage directions

one practice, mark is not needed with the lights, because they’re just doing a props and set run-through with the full cast, so you ask if you can practice some of the makeup on him

mark, of course, says yes.

you blabber on about running the production, and how the director does LITERALLY NOTHING since the auditions, and just sits there while you do everything else

and how the hair and makeup girls were absent and barely ever showed up, and how you had to practically beg Jaemin to help out on the night (the agreement was; he wouldn’t have to attend any rehearsals other than the dress rehearsal, and of course, the nights of the performance)

as he doesnt have a lot of experience with makeup, youve given him the easy tasks

but it still means you have to learn how to do stage makeup

all mark can think about is how close you are to him

after a pause, you, as if for the first time, notice how sharp his jawline actually is 

and for a while, thats all you can think about

“thinking about me?” mark does one of those little half-smiles that bothered you (but you totally still thought it was kind of cute)

“always” you rolled your eyes, your tone dripping sarcasm

you stepped back, biting the inside of you cheek to stop a smile creeping up on your face

“I think I’m done.”

“finally” mark lets his head roll back against the edge of the chair, messing up his hair, and then stands up to grab the mirror

at this point, you let out a laugh, and mark furiously turns around “YOU TURNED ME INTO A FISH?!” 

you grin, “a very CUTE fish, you’re Flounder!” 

you're very proud of yourself; the fact that mark could even tell he was a fish was a good sign

“WE’RE NOT EVEN DOING THE LITTLE MERMAID!” he starts to rub furiously at his face, trying to get the makeup off, but ends up looking like he’s just been beaten in a fist fight

you can barely contain your laughter, “aw come on, that took ages!!”

later that week, after a six hour rehearsal, the director asks mark to change the lighting filters on the stage, even though he could have done it during the rehearsal

but I mean its okay I guess bc he has to stay back

and

you're staying back too

so like

;)))))

hyuck and jeno are laughing about the kissing scene next week, it hasn’t quite dawned on them that THEYRE actually the ones kissing

Jisung is frantically trying to find the lighting filters, even though he already gave them to mark, and then leaves after being told by you that he was stressing you out

in the lighting and sound booth, you’re going through the script again, marking areas the cast needs to go over and adding stage directions

you hums the duet that hyuck and jeno had been singing earlier as you do it

mark, who is balancing on a ladder on the stage, trying to fit the new filters onto the lights, nearly jumps out of his skin as he hears the humming come through the speakers around the theatre, the microphone in the booth catching every note of your singing

he smiles but continues changing the light filters, not being able to stop himself from singing the other part of the duet

soon, he’s screaming the lyrics as loud as he can to try and drown out some of your off key humming

you’re laughing in the booth as he screws up his face, his glasses balancing on the tip of his nose as he tries to block his ears with one hand and adjust the stage lights with the other

“now I can see why you’re on stage crew” you smirk, leaning down to talk through the mic, “you’re a terrible singer”

“a terrible singer, maybe, but even I can detect how off key your humming was” he yells back, sticking his tongue out and momentarily losing his balance on the ladder

[winterune]

A Natsume Yuujinchou Fanfiction #10 - Because I Love You

Word count: 2778

Summary: Natsume received a chocolate from a girl outside his class, much to his surprise, because he didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day. 

A/N: something I thought about on a whim because I realized I have never written a Valentine’s Day Natsume fic before. It’s been soooo long since I wrote any fic--or written anything for that matter--so I’m sorry if this turns out weird. Not edited or beta’d. Probably going to post a final version later on AO3 or FFN. Also, I wrote this for @epona999 as a late birthday present^^. Hope you’ll like it! And thanks for reading :)

“Natsume-kun!”

Takashi Natsume was walking down the corridor heading back to class in the short break between lessons when a voice called out to him. It was a girl, standing several feet behind him, with long brown hair that draped over her shoulders.

“Yes?” he asked, turning around to directly face her. He had never seen her before.

“U—Umm…” Her eyes flitted in and out of his face, hands hidden behind her back. “It’s just—umm—something I made in cooking class so uh…”

Natsume cocked his head to the side. “Can I help you?”

The girl seemed to shut her eyes and in one smooth motion, shoved something toward his chest, yelling, “This is for you!” before running off and turning around the corner. She was gone in an instant, leaving Natsume blinking in confusion with a small brown bag in his hand.

He held it up and scrutinized the bag with a frown. Cooking class?

Soft snickers around him made him realize he had spectators and dipping his head self-consciously, Natsume made his way quickly back to class.

His classmates’ buzz of conversation reached him before he opened the door. Nishimura, who was sitting by his table, looked up and noticed the bag he was carrying. His eyes widened in surprise.

“What’s that?!” he exclaimed, pointing a finger to the brown bag.

Natsume shrugged. “A girl gave it to me outside.”

“A girl? Seriously?!” His mouth hung open in disbelief.

Natsume frowned at Nishimura’s sudden enthusiasm and eyed the bag suspiciously.

“Let me see that,” Nishimura went on, and without waiting for Natsume’s reply, he’d snatched the bag away. “Cookies,” he commented. He sniffed at it. “And it smells delicious too.”

“She did say she made it in cooking class—”

“Cooking class!” Nishimura exclaimed dramatically. All of a sudden, it was as if all those enthusiastic energy left him and Nishimura deflated on the table beside Natsume’s, head falling on the desk top, his arms hanging limp on his sides. “Ahh I want one.”

Natsume looked at his friend incredulously. What was so good about these cookies? You could buy cookies from the store if you want one.

“You could have them if you want,” he offered.

“Nope. She gave them to you so it’s yours,” his friend said, adamantly handing the brown bag to Natsume.

Still feeling unsure what Nishimura was whining about, Natsume took the bag back, when he heard Kitamoto, who had been silent throughout the exchange, chuckling.

“They’re Valentine Day cookies, Natsume,” Kitamoto explained. “Nishimura’s been nagging since morning that he hasn’t received one.”

“I keep dreaming Taki would come through that door and give me a home-baked chocolate,” Nishimura said.

Valentine’s.

Natsume didn’t realize it was Valentine’s. Ah, now it made sense why the girl seemed fidgety then. But why would she give him one?

Well, at least he understood now why Nishimura seemed somewhat depressed since morning, and seeing his friend now being consoled by Kitamoto, it brought a smile to his face.

***

“Well, that’s a pretty boy to you,” Nishimura grumbled when classes for the day was over and they were gathering their books and things to head home.

Throughout the day, a couple of other girls had approached Natsume—once in class, the other was when the three of them were heading to their lunch spot on the roof—to give him yet another Valentine’s chocolate. Someone had even snuck in and slipped a chocolate box in his desk drawer when he wasn’t in class, so he had a total of four chocolates by the end of the day—five if you include the one from Sasada’s.

Kitamoto and Nishimura had received only one, and that was from Sasada. Kitamoto had accepted it but Nishimura had gotten into a fight over it, saying a chocolate from Sasada didn’t mean anything. Sasada had been tempted to take it back, but Nishimura had immediately apologized since “it’s better than coming home empty-handed”.

Natsume never liked that nickname but he could only smile wryly at it. There was nothing he could do anyway, no reason he could give, not that they were asking for any…probably. Well, what could he say? He certainly didn’t predict this happening.

When they met Tanuma by the front door, just about to slip off his indoor shoes for his outdoor ones, they noticed he was carrying a small plastic bag that no doubt contained the chocolates he’d received that day.

“Damn you pretty boys,” Nishimura muttered under his breath.

Like Natsume, Tanuma could only chuckle to that.

“How many did you get?” Kitamoto asked.

Glancing at the pouting Nishimura slipping on his outdoor shoes, he murmured, “Five. Sasada just gave me one.”

“Same as him, then,” Kitamoto replied.

Tanuma’s eyes shifted to Natsume, though he didn’t look at all surprised. “I’d thought as much.”

“Right?” Kitamoto went on, a grin now plastered from ear to ear. “Despite his quiet demeanor, he’s surprisingly popular with girls.”

“Maybe I should start having a quiet demeanor,” Nishimura piped in.

“Oh, shut it, Nishimura. You still haven’t received one from Taki yet.”

“There’s no guarantee she’s going to give me one.”

“Wait, she hasn’t?” Tanuma asked, genuinely surprised as his hand started rummaging inside his plastic bag. “I’m sure she has one for each of you. I mean, I got one from her—”

“Ah! There you are!”

Before Tanuma could finish speaking, he was interrupted by a voice. They simultaneously looked behind them and there stood Taki, somewhat out of breath, her bag slung over her shoulder had its zipper half opened.

“Good thing I hadn’t missed you,” she said, determinedly walking toward them with a hand fishing inside her bag for what turned out to be a small cute bag filled with cookies. “Here,”—she gave one to Natsume, then to Nishimura, and last to Kitamoto.

A huge sigh escaped her lips. “Sorry, I had stuffs to do all day. It was just because I passed by Tanuma-kun that I remembered to give him the chocolate. Good thing you hadn’t left just now.” Smiling from ear to ear, her hair slightly disheveled from the running she must had done from the upper floor, she said, “Happy Valentine’s Day, guys!”

Natsume and Kitamoto thanked her with grins of their own while Nishimura outright cried. They were left glancing at each other in half smiles as Kitamoto patted Nishimura’s shoulder.

***

“What’s that, Takashi-kun?” Touko-san asked the moment Natsume opened the door and called, “I’m home.” She’d peeked her head from the kitchen doorway and noticed the small bag he’d received from Taki. Feeling embarrassed and self-conscious all at once, Natsume had hidden the chocolates he’d received in his bag. But Taki’s was a last addition and his bag couldn’t take in another chocolate—if he didn’t want it crushed, which he didn’t, since it was what Taki had made herself. So he decided to carry it. When he entered the house, he’d made sure to hide it from view so Touko-san wouldn’t see it, but that plan obviously failed.

“They’re chocolates,” Natsume replied sheepishly. “From a friend.”

“Ah!” Touko-san exclaimed after a moment’s pause, so sudden that it almost made Natsume jump. “It’s Valentine’s, isn’t it? Ah, how that brings back memories. I used to give Shigeru-san chocolates too back then.” A warm smile graced her lips as her eyes looked on some distant memory. “Maybe I’ll make something special for tonight’s dinner. Ooh, how exciting! I haven’t felt this energetic for a while.” Her eyes meeting Natsume, she grinned and said, “Want to help, Takashi-kun?”

Natsume blinked and could only stammer, “Oh, okay,” before his mind could process what Touko-san just said.

Touko beamed from ear to ear. “This’ll be fun! Shigeru-san will be so surprised,” she said gleefully, getting back inside the kitchen. “Put your bag down and don’t forget to wash your hands first, right, Takashi-kun?”

***

“What’s all the ruckus down there?” was Sensei’s way of greeting when Natsume opened the door to his room.

“I’m home, Sensei,” Natsume greeted him back. “It’s rare to see you here so early in the afternoon.”

Sensei ignored the comment, then his eyes spotted the pink bag Natsume was placing on his desk. Eyes wide, ears perked, he took a sniff—it smelled like food. “What’s that?” he asked, sauntering over to Natsume’s desk.

“Cookies,” Natsume replied. “Taki made them.”

At the mention of her name, however, Nyanko-sensei stopped on his tracks, his nose scrunching in disgust. “Taki?” he asked incredulously. “Can that girl even cook?”

“Don’t be like that, Sensei,” Natsume said with a chuckle. He opened the bag and saw star-shaped chocolate cookies inside. He fished one and looked at it carefully. “I’m sure it’s edible.” He took a bite of the cookie, tasting it for a while. The chocolate melt in his mouth, the flavor spreading and coating his tongue, before he gulped it down then tossed the rest of the cookie inside.

“It’s good,” he commented.

“Surprisingly,” added Sensei.

“Want some?” Natsume held a cookie out to the cat, but Nyanko-sensei was looking at it as though he was looking at something out of this world.

“I’d rather have this,” he said, as he rummaged inside Natsume’s bag and held out a box one of the girls had given Natsume. He sniffed at it, and Natsume had to wonder if he could even smell something through the box and wrapping. But apparently he could, since his eyes seemed to gleam so bright when he looked at Natsume and said, “This is from that shop, right? The one you always pass by to and from school?”

Well, Natsume had to say he was impressed. Give it to Nyanko-sensei to be able to spot something so random. There were quite a few stores that sold chocolates at this time of the year. How did he even know which shop this particular box was from?

“You’re going to get fatter, you know, Sensei, and then I have to take you out for a walk again,” Natsume teased even as he took the box from Sensei and began unwrapping it.

“Oh shut up and hurry up and open the box!”

Natsume snickered at his response.

The box had a variety of colorful chocolates in various shapes: hearts, stars, flowers, leaves, or plain simple circles. Without further ado, Nyanko-sensei took one of them and plopped it into his mouth. The instant the chocolate made contact with his tongue, a smile bloomed on his face, eyes shut in bliss.

“You should buy more of this chocolate stuff, Natsume,” Nyanko-sensei said after tossing the third chocolate into his mouth.

“You know chocolate isn’t good for a cat, right?”

“Well, I’m not a cat.”

“All the more so. Isn’t it weird for a great youkai to be so giddy over a little chocolate?”

“Shut it!”

He was eating the fifth one when Natsume snatched the box away. “Don’t eat it all, Sensei! I’m going to save some for Touko-san and Shigeru-san.”

“What’s the problem? You have more than enough for them even if you give me that box.” Sensei made his point more apparent by grabbing the rest of the chocolates from Natsume’s bag and dropping them down on the table. “See? You have—what—six in total?” he said, counting the wrapped boxes and the two bags of cookies. “You can have Taki’s. I’ll have this box. And you’ll still have four more.”

“That’s not the issue here,” Natsume replied with a sigh. “Anyway, no! You’re not having any more before I give some to Shigeru-san and Touko-san, all right?”

Before Nyanko-sensei could protest or snatched any of the boxes for himself, Natsume moved fast and grabbed all the chocolate boxes and bags. Nyanko-sensei scowled and clicked his tongue in irritation.

“Why do you have so many chocolates in the first place?” he asked.

“I guess it’s Valentine’s Day. Girls give chocolates to boys.”

Nyanko-sensei stared at him. “Why?”

Why?

Natsume pondered that question and couldn’t really come to an answer. Though he’d seen his classmates getting rather excited for Valentine’s Day before—like how Nishimura was that day—Natsume himself never really cared about it. None of the families he’d lived before had ever done anything special. In fact, it was the first time he’s ever received a chocolate from anyone.

“I heard it’s the day girls give chocolates to the boys they like,” Natsume responded rather hesitatingly.

Nyanko-sensei’s eyes flitted from the pile of chocolates on Natsume’s arms to his face, then his lips spread into a wide smirk. “Does that mean all those girls like you then?”

It took a moment, two moments, then three, before the statement was rooted into his mind, and he realized then why that girl had been so nervous when she gave him the chocolate. He couldn’t stop the heat from reaching his face.

“W—What are you talking about? Of course not!”

Nyanko-sensei snickered. “You’re blushing.”

“There is what you call friendship chocolate too, Sensei,” Natsume tried not to let Sensei’s words rattle him so much.

“And that is Taki’s chocolate. I believe you have Sasada’s too, right? The others—”

“Anyway!” Natsume cut him off. He wouldn’t let Nyanko-sensei finish that thought. “I don’t know much about it, okay? And Touko-san is waiting for me downstairs to help her with dinner.”

“Even Touko-san,” Natsume heard Nyanko-sensei said absently after a pause as he left his room behind in a hurry. “Sometimes I really don’t understand this holidays you humans have.”

***

Touko-san was already busy with a soup and some side dishes when Natsume entered the kitchen.

“Is that you, Takashi-kun?” she asked without looking from chopping up vegetables. “Can you help me stir the soup over there, please?”

“Okay,” Natsume responded. He put all the chocolates he’d carried on the dining table before heading over the stove. It was then Touko-san looked up with a smile, as if she was about to say something, when she spotted the pile of chocolates on the table.

“Oh!” she exclaimed in surprise.

Natsume noticed the direction of her gaze and, reminded of Nyanko-sensei’s remark, heat immediately rushed to his face again.

“It’s not what you think, Touko-san!” he said quickly. “I received some chocolates and I only wanted to share them with you and Shigeru-san and—”

But Touko-san, who met his gaze, only had a warm smile that touched her eyes.

“What?” she asked, a slight giggle escaping her lips. “I wasn’t going to say anything.” She turned her attention back to the vegetables she was prepping for dinner. “I’m just happy to see you so loved.”

“What?” Natsume turned his head toward Touko-san, surprised at her words.

“Didn’t you know?” she asked. “Valentine’s Day is a day when women show her appreciation and love toward the men in her life. Of course, you can express your love on any other day, but it’s a nice thought, isn’t it? That someone takes their time to buy you or make you something on a special day. Doesn’t that make you feel you’re special to them? That you mean something to someone? Oh, and it goes without saying, too, that this special dinner is not just for Shigeru-san, but for you too, Takashi-kun.”

“For…me?”

Touko-san met his gaze and she nodded, her smile so warm that Natsume felt something squeezing his heart. He could almost hear it—the words unsaid.

Because I love you.

He didn’t know when he had started crying, but he felt the tears in his eyes and tried so hard to hold them back.

Of course he knew that. He knew how kind the Fujiwara couple were to him. Some part of him knew they loved him. It had taken a while for him to see that, but he knew it, though none of them ever explicitly expressed it. From their actions and the way they treated him, he’d learned how much the Fujiwaras cared about him.

His throat felt constricted as he tried to fight back the tears. He couldn’t form any words even as Touko-san gently wiped a tear that had silently slipped through his eyes, rolling down his cheek.

With a last gentle pat, Touko-san then said determinedly, “Let’s finish this quickly before Shigeru-san comes home. It wouldn’t be a surprise now, would it, if he saw us preparing this?”

She got back to chopping the vegetables and Natsume could do nothing but smile at this woman he called his foster mother, the warmth of her hand still lingered on his face.

“Okay,” he said quietly and went back to stirring the soup that already smelled quite delicious.

~ END ~

Thanks for reading! I hope you like it^^

More of my Natsume Yuujinchou fanfiction here. 

[iceamericanoventi]

Love Will Find a Way, Well, Eventually : 2. In Between

“Where are you going?”

If it was inside Cartoon Network’s universe, everyone must be able to see the smoke fuming from both his nostrils and ears. Jinki looks beyond distressed when he’s lifting his ass from the chair. No one on the table was his partner, but Minho decided to throw some ridiculous question then played dumb as if he didn’t just ask one.

“Should I have number one here?”

He started getting irked, but that doesn’t stay long until Kibum casually munched his breadstick while spluttering his witty comments as usual, “Surely Taemin would be delightful.”

Taemin who didn’t do anything almost chocked himself with a piece of tomato and kicked Kibum’s shin under the table, eventually.

“Promise me you won’t run away?”

Dumbfounded, Jinki emptied his pocket and almost smashed the table with his belonging.

“Are you my husband? Here’s my wallet. And my phone!” and with that, he left the other three men finishing their meal.

“Is he always in this temper?”

Lee Taemin gave him another look, pleading him not to embarrass them further, but Kibum just shrugged and muttered ‘I’m just asking’ under his nose.

“He was mad with me since this afternoon. Plus, he has lots of stuffs to think about these days. But don’t worry, he never really got mad unless you disturb his nap.”

“What is he? A bear?”

“Yaa! Kim Kibum!”

Minho couldn’t help but laugh to the scene happened before his eyes. Taemin is famous for being friendly and very expressive only if you know him, even if he’s talkative. To penetrate his bubble is very hard at first, but this man sitting across him, he seems like he’s already inside that bubble since the very beginning. He really is someone closed to him. Kibum looks mesmerizing, even in his grumbling nature. The oversize sweater wrapped his lithe build perfectly.

A phone call arrived to Kibum's phone, he picked it up frantically and excused himself to take it outside.

"What do you think?"

“Eh?” Minho doesn’t even realized he got his eyes entailed Kibum’s silhouette until it disappear by the entrance door.

“You seemed in trance. I know Kibum is beautiful but I didn’t expect you’ll be this amazed with my friend,” Taemin’s sipping his wine, a smirk is very apparent in his devious face. 

“I guess it’s safe to say that you’re not a liar.”

Minho reopened his mouth few minutes after he’s assured that Kibum’s not going back any soon. Taemin is not ecstatic, sometimes he wondered if Minho has a decent sense of humor of a friend.

“For your information, I’m not and never been. I’m the most honest person you’ve ever encountered in your life.”

“Everyone in this room knows that’s not true.”

“Whatever. I might know my ways deceiving people, but I never lie to my friend.”

 “Did you just admit that you’re lying here and there, Lee Taemin?”

Taemin rolls his eyes, again, probably for the nth times already this evening. Without Jinki around, he can be more relaxed on throwing his tantrum on Minho.

“Choi Minho, people lies at some certain points of their life. Get over it.”

He gulped down the rest of his wine, Taemin then called a waiter near them to bring him another one.

“Kibum seems nice. He sounds smart.”

“Sounds? Did you even listen to yourself? No writer is not smart, Choi. Moreover, someone who’s been writing the past decade!”

“I only know him for one night. Who knows he’s just acting?”

“Dude, not everyone is an asshole like you.”

“An asshole wouldn’t agree to bring his best friend along in front of a psychopath like you.”

Taemin snorted and Minho’s smirk reappeared on his face.

“That is literally what a psycho would do, selling their friend for their own benefits.”

Minho wiped his mouth before washed down the dinner with cold water, “And that’s exactly what Jinki accused me for. You two shared a brain or what?”

“Any sane people would say the same, Honey,” this time Taemin’s smirk that made the other scoffed, “By the way, what’s the deal with Jinki? He looks like he’s been sitting on thorny cushion the whole dinner!”

Minho knows Taemin would ask such question eventually. However, he couldn’t say that Jinki hates the whole dinner date plan, it’s impossible. Besides that, knowing him for years, Jinki really is an angel in disguise, well, at least when he’s in the mood.

“People have different, what should I say, defense mechanism? And that’s how he is. What kind of person who talked nonstop during their first meeting, anyway?”

“Oh, I don’t know, me?”

“That’s why you’re a freak.”

“A freak who introduced you to your potentially next boyfriend.”

“Ha. Point taken,” Minho raised his hand to ask for the dessert, “Jinki is just not the type of person who will talk a lot and open up in a second. But I guarantee you, he’s a good person. Sometimes a little bit care too much for other at certain time so probably being brazen is his forte.”

“That reminds me of someone.”

Taemin and Kibum spent their high school days together. Separated for some years due to works and educations, their relationship’s all well maintained. They understand each other, including Kibum’s nature to always put others before him at any given situation.

“Appearance wise, though, what do you think about Jinki?”

“Choi Minho, I’m not a teenager anymore. Judging people around by its cover is no longer my habit.”

“But a designer like you must love a beautiful package, don’t they?”

“Well, to be honest, his lips and eyes itself could get me floored in one glance.”

“I knew it.”

“You’re a famous photographer for a reason.”

***

Cold wind slapped Kibum’s cheeks lightly when he pushed the door and parched to the corner near the valet post.

“Okay, now you can speak. Sorry, I don’t know why the reception wasn’t good enough inside.”

“Then I’ll be frankly here. There’s a possibility for making the special edition for the short story collection. But then, we’re still short of two stories at the moment.”

“Wait, wait, but we already have nine! I finished writing nine! Why should I add another two?”

“The publisher agreed to the preposition for at least twelve stories. You should be grateful I could pitch one less story!”

Kibum looks like he’s about to punch anyone passed within radius one meter around him, but nothing in reach besides a huge pot of short palm tree and concrete wall. And he needs his hand to finish his books still.

“But, Amber. Page wise, those are more than enough to make two new books. Are they out of their mind?”

There’s a loud groan banging on his ear drum came from the other line, “Dude, I almost flipped the table when I was at the meeting you have no idea. The board has new man and that guy is a pain in the ass.”

“Would it change the circumstance if I talked to them by myself?”

“Since when do they have time to talk to the writer directly? We’re head to head with bunch of snobs here, did you forget?”

“I should had not agree to let them touched my writings. Now we’re about to face dead end.”

It was a dream to work along this publisher. It was Kibum’s dream since he started writing when he took gap year after graduated high school. And as if it’s a fate, it was the only publisher agreed with his graphic novel concept five years he climbed his career professionally.

“Listen, Kibum. When I met you years ago, I promised I’ll work my ass hard to help you publishing your books. Not because I knew you, it’s because you’re good. You’re amazing writer and I’m not giving up easily. And neither you. Not when anybody can tell that you’re a gem.”

“I haven’t written any book since last year, Amber. I’m in a slump. Writer’s block is not even describing my bad luck at the moment.”

“Honey, you haven’t written any because you’re currently waiting two books released. And if I could do my magic, another one in, let’s say, six months.”

“If I could make up some words into another story within two weeks. If you could convince them to give me mercy.”

“Did you just know me yesterday?”

Kibum’s tired giving sane response, “What do you mean?”

“I’m waiting their secretary to call me in ten minutes. We’re going to discuss some new deals and I’ll make sure one of them is going to be your new nine stories book.”

“I actually have no idea if I don’t have you as my editor slash manager slash friend slash personal ranting partner slash whatever you want to be.”

“Rockstar. That would be cool.”

“You’re going to be a kick ass one to be honest.”

“I bet. Anyway, expect another call from me in the next couple hours. I’m sorry, but tonight we might need video call to resolve some issues.”

“I hate you for confiscating my time but you’re the best.”

“As always, ain’t I?”

The phone call ends already, but he still forlornly looking at his phone’s screen. With that, Kibum remembers all the works he needs to catch up for tonight. With that, he can put aside all the unnecessary anxiety and tension of tonight’s stupid match making session.

He took a glance of his watch and could only sighed, he better hurried inside to his dessert. The faster he finished, the sooner he can hit home and face the real deal. His deadlines.

Two steps away from the entrance however, he caught a familiar face sitting by themselves, staring to the busy street in front of the restaurant.

“Jinki?” he carefully calling the man, “Lee Jinki, right?”

The later tilted his head to the right and gave Kibum a simple smile, didn’t realize it dropped Kibum’s heart by the bottom of his gut.

“Aren’t you cold?”

Everyone would agree this winter is even harsher than last year’s. Jinki just lifted his left hand to make sure Kibum saw a cigarette slipped between his fingers, “Can I sit here?”

Jinki chuckles, “Aren’t you cold?”

Listening to the same question he threw a minute ago, he just rolled his eyes and took a place next to the other man.

“I’m waiting a phone call.”

“Important?”

“Kinda.”

Jinki blew some smoke out, “Hmm, I guess so. You sounded pretty upset over there.”

“Did I scream that loud?!”

“In my opinion? No. but a girl flinched and buzzed off rather hastily, so, you tell me.”

When he saw Kibum’s gaping like a fish in frantic expression, Jinki has no choices beside laughed again, surprising Kibum who’s quite convinced with his aloof personalities.

“I didn’t know you have so many jokes in store.”

“You learn something new every day.”

“Your face doesn’t show.”

“What about my face?”

“It’s handsome but with that attitude inside, seems like you’re the type who woke up at the wrong side of the bed every single morning and could kill someone annoys you at any time.”

“Well, to be fair, I did wake up in the wrong side of my bed this morning. But it’s because a certain dog occupied half of my blanket so I couldn’t disturb her.”

“You have a dog?!”

Kibum’s face lit up thousand times as if he just won some lottery. Strangely, it warms Jinki’s heart. No, scratch that, it would warm any heart, Jinki tried to generalize the situation.

“I don’t, unfortunately. She belongs to my friend. I’m taking care of her while he’s travelling abroad. Her father will pick her up this weekend.”

“Ah, too bad. We could have play date with my boys.”

“I’ll make sure to give you a call when I decided to adopt one later.”

“Do you think my invitation hasn’t expired yet by that time?”

“A man can only dream, can’t he?”

Kibum’s laughter is muffled by his own palm covering his mouth.

“Let’s go inside, you must be shivering.”

“But your cigarette?”

Kibum’s half stuttered caught red handed, Jinki already pressed the half-done cigarette on the sand bowl on his left, “I can always have another one at home. Besides, I doubt you would go inside without me dragging you along.”

Kibum thanked the universe that the place is not well lit, so he could hide the blush creeping his cheeks. Unfortunately, Jinki has a very good eye sight.

***

“Is my baby being a good girl when daddy’s away?”

Jinki scoffed when the man just entered his living room just literally threw his suitcase aside and scooped the little dachshund running toward his embrace. He gathered the suitcase and poor leather bag on the floor and placed it neatly near the saffron color couch.

The man later dropped himself next to Jinki who’s lounged himself there, checking his phone halfheartedly.

“Minho texted me the other day.”

“Why did he keep texting you?”

The man with dark grey hair didn’t catch the frown hanging on Jinki’s face and buried his face to the dog’s belly, making him groaned again. He lightly pushed the dog further and toppled his head on the other man’s laps.

The dog owner realized something’s happened when he’s not around. He put the dog on the ground and tapped her butt to send her back to her small bed near the pantry.

“Minho has my number and I have his name in my contact list. He can text me whenever he wants. Still jealous?”

Jinki closed his eyes when he started playing with his hair, “He’s still one of the reasons we broke up.”

“Baby, the only reason we broke up is because neither of us didn’t want to succumb into marriage. Minho was just a handsome face happened on the wrong time.”

“I have no idea why I still befriend him when it’s clear he wanted to shove his face to yours, all the damn time.”

“And I have no idea that you’re this type who holds the grudge for a long time. We were already out of relationship back then.”

“Still, a friend wouldn’t openly chase after their friend’s ex.”

“A friend wouldn’t, but a best friend would.”

“Whatever.”

He almost lost his control and slapped Jinki’s head of him, “Oh, come on. What’s bothering you this time?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit. It’s written all over your face the second I saw you behind the door. And I’m pretty sure it’s not because my daughter misbehaved while I’m on my annual pediatric conference.”

Jinki sighed, nothing he could really hide it from the other man. Since they were in their almost five years relationship, since they became best friends around three years prior.

“Minho invited me for a dinner night.”

“Wow, fancy,” actually Minho already texted him about the dinner a bit, how he wanted to introduce Jinki to some acquaintance he has, “He gave up on me so he went for the only option?”

“For the record, your mom agreed that I’m way much sexier than you.”

“Three years ago, before your cheek bones buried under those mount of fluffy fat.”

“Said a man who came to me and straight ahead told me I looked cute after leaving a piece of paper with their number on my table.”

“I will put aside the fact that I love how romantic you’re for still remembering our first meeting but let’s back to the right path here because I don’t like the upset you. It’s fucking annoying.”

“He introduced me to someone, Jonghyun.”

He let out inaudible gasp and thanked the universe Jinki’s still closing his eyes. Otherwise, he would stop at once and avoided any discussion of the main reason which distressed his ex-boyfriend. Knowing the scenario before hands didn’t prevent him with the sheer pain graze him when it came from Jinki’s mouth himself.

“So? Isn’t that great? Do you think it’s about time?”

“I was about to argue that two years are still not enough to get over you but I guess you’re not in the same page with me so I’d say that I’m not interested into some relationship whatsoever at this point.”

Jonghyun wanted to cry listening to such words. His heart clenched, he inhaled – a very long one – before he continued caressing Jinki’s forehead.

“I am flattered, but I know you’re just teasing me.”

“Ha, you know me so well.”

“I’m not gonna fall on the same hole, Lee.”

“You won’t. You’re too smart to repeat the torture on the loop.”

“It wasn’t a torture, Jinki. I love you as much as you do. Or maybe just slightly more.”

“Not a chance. I love you more.”

“Stop it or I will kiss you.”

“I dare you.”

“I told you I’m not gonna fall on the same hole.”

“Smart, very smart,” Jinki opened his eyes only to find Jonghyun sticking his tongue out, “Okay, so at first, I don’t like the idea already. You know I hate any type of match making method. Even the online one. But being there, I realized that my current focus doesn’t involved other party besides me, my business, and—“

“And your grandfather?”

Jinki looks annoyed, “Remind me to add ‘always-cutting-people-sentence’ on the list of reasons why I broke up with you when I’m writing my journal tonight.”

“It’s true. I think he was also the cock blocker during our relationship back then.”

“Dude, we’re talking about my gramps. And to put him on the same category with Minho is beyond weird.”

“We already broke up when Minho made his move, for Pete’s sake!”

“Okay, okay! No need to raise your voice, you’re so scary when you’re angry.”

“Then don’t make me! Now, now, can you please be a normal human being so we can talk like adults for once?”

Jinki pulled himself from the couch to the pantry, snatching a pack of cigarette on the tea table before slipped one on the corner of his mouth.

“Can you not smoking inside?”

He snorted and padded to the direction of his balcony. It’s in the middle of winter but he doesn’t care a bit to the wind ready to slaughter his bones. If tomorrow the cold prevented him to leave the bed, then let it be. For once, he just wants to free his mind from the business.

“You need to remember that I can only treat patient on certain age,” Jonghyun followed few minutes after with a blanket he spread as wide as possible to cover both of them without feeling suffocated for standing too close.

“The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends people be under pediatric care up to the age of 21, though.”

“Did you just quote Wikipedia? And we’re not in fucking States! Above and beyond, shame on your wrinkles!”

“Rude.”

“You’re the rude one to your lungs!”

“Then tell me how to ease my mind without nicotine! Tell me how to forget all those troubled night and just sleep! Do you think it’s easy taking care of worrisome business and messy family without distraction?! Stop talking non sense if you do know how to save my days!”

Any word seems taboo once Jinki exploded. Both man just staring into the dark evening below Jinki’s unit. People paraded as quickly as possible on the street to fight the harsh weather. It’s not that late, but only few cars passed by. The dim light of the street lamp’s soothing the tense atmosphere in a way.

Jonghyun leaned closer to Jinki’s arm and rested his head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you with that.”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” 

“You know that you can always talk to me right?”

“I’m tired bothering you. You already have a lot in your hands.”

“Besides my patients and Roo, there’s nothing really confiscated my time.”

Having someone like Jonghyun who would stand next to him, scold him then hug him right after, no matter how awful he behaved and treated the other man, Jinki every so often thinking what kind of good deeds he did in his previous life.

Jinki cocked his head, inhaling the trace of scent of Jonghyun’s favorite shampoo. Initially, he was about to kiss the top of his head, like he used to do when the other man leaned on him for whatever reason it was. He remember, though, the earlier period after their broke up – after settling their feelings for few months of course – the shorter man told him not to do that anymore because it was the doctor’s Achilles heel. So instead, he rubs his cheek over the thick hair, silently telling Jonghyun he’s sorry.

Some nights – especially right after that dinner date – he had thought, maybe one of the reason he reprimands Minho’s idea is just because he still has tiny hope that Jonghyun and him might had another chance in the future.

“From time to time, I was thinking that the more day passed, we’re closer to the image of friends with benefit.”

“Friends with benefit? Tsk,” Jonghyun slapped his forearm, “The only benefit I got from you is you’re the only perfect nanny for Roo when I’m away.”

“Those cups of coffee every single time you stopped by my shop?”

“Pfft. How stingy. I’m leaving.”

“Heartless.”

Jonghyun didn’t say anything more and returned inside to gather his things and called Roo. He desperately needs some hot shower. Somewhere inside him, he was expecting Jinki offering him to stay the night knowing how caring the man and the fact Jinki knows he bolted to the other’s apartment right away after landed.  

When Jinki handed him the leash, that hope vanished in second.

“What if later I really considered this person? Or any other person collided with me on the future?”

Jonghyun smiled, he looks tired, but very sincere, “Then good.”

“Because I’m not gonna bother you anymore?”

“No. Because you’ll have someone to share the happiness with.”

***

cross-posted in my AFF

[inawickedlittletown]

Walking The Wire (106/?)

Summary: Tony Stark always knew about Peter Parker. He didn’t know that Peter was going to get superpowers and become Spider-Man, but he always knew about Peter because Peter was his son.

This will span from pre-Iron Man up through the rest of the MCU (eventually including Infinity War) and will be for the most part canon compliant except where I’ve taken some liberties and interpreted canon a certain way.

Pairings: Pepper/Tony, Tony/Steve (endgame), Tony/Mary (past)

A/N: If you want me to tag you when I post new chapters let me know. This fic is also on AO3

I used Collider’s MCU timeline to stay canon and the title of this fic is an Imagine Dragons song that is just so fitting for Peter and Tony

@findmeinthestarss

Masterpost

Chapter One Hundred Five

It turned out that having Michelle know he was Spider-Man and acknowledging that she did was a good thing. Michelle was just all that much better about covering for Peter. Just the other day when they’d gone on a small class trip and Peter had spotted a mugging happening, it was Michelle that had distracted everyone long enough for Peter to get away unnoticed and then again when he rejoined them.

The only thing about Michelle was that unlike Ned, she actually seemed concerned about what Peter got up to. She worried. It was weird especially when she pretended that she didn’t in person and then sent him long rambling texts about how he wasn’t being careful and how close he came to getting injured or hurting others.

It was all on par with how much coverage Spider-Man had started to get from the media which Peter didn’t particularly like. At first it had seemed cool to be mentioned on the news all the time and to have articles about Spider-Man popping up everywhere. His favorite were the YouTube videos since those were usually fun to watch mostly because they weren’t all made by anyone truly professional. But after a while, even those got old. It got annoying. Tony definitely disliked it.

“I just don’t like how interested everyone seems to be in finding out your identity,” his dad said while they were tinkering in the workshop. “It’s none of their business.”

Peter liked listening to him rant. It was kind of hilarious especially when one considered Tony’s own media presence basically his entirely life.

“And it’s not like we’ve announced that you’re an Avenger or anything but some reason they just seem to associate you with us.”

That’s when Steve spoke up. “That’s because they see you out and about with him all the time as Iron Man and Iron Man is an Avenger.”

“That isn’t the point,” Tony said.

“And also, Peter’s the only hero that’s popped up that has a hidden identity. Gives everyone a mystery to want to solve.”

Tony muttered some more and Peter tried not to laugh. He could tell that Steve was amused too.

Since all that stuff with The Vulture, Tony still did tend to show up when Peter needed help. He was better about letting Peter be involved in things especially when they didn’t involve alien tech. They had stopped some weird guy with what seemed to be some sort of power -- Tony said he was probably an inhuman -- just the other day from destroying a big portion of Greenwich Village. The guy hadn’t been doing it on purpose it turned out it. It was just that his powers were so unstable. Peter had been glad to have Tony there because he didn’t a single person could have handled everything that instance entailed. Even Vision had made an appearance for that. In the end they had subdued the guy and Tony had handed him over to a the new Shield.

“But also, it’s not just the identity thing,” Tony kept on, “it’s that there’s varying degrees of coverage. He’s good for the city. He’s a vigilante. He’s an Avenger. He’s not. It’s ridiculous. At least no one seems to have put together that I built your suit. Or at least no one’s written an article about it yet. And can you imagine if anyone found out I had a son? Because then they would definitely start questioning whether you were the one under the mask and then my parenting would come into question.”

It was no surprise to Peter that Ned loved it. He had a whole collection on articles written about him and he would send Peter the more outrageous ones and Peter would pass those on to Steve because Steve loved reading them too. May seemed to agree with Tony on the whole matter. But then, May also tended to try and get Peter to quit being Spider-Man altogether whenever she saw him and it wasn’t something that was ever likely to stop. She liked to bring up questions about school and girlfriends and college and how Spider-Man wouldn’t be an ideal addition to any of those as her way of asking him to stop.

As he stepped out of Midtown one afternoon, Peter was surprised when he spotted Tony complete with a baseball cap, sunglasses, a grin, and a thermal cup that probably contained coffee, leaning against a sleek black car that at least proved to be his least flashy. Still, no matter how hard he was trying, he looked out of place and people were noticing him.

Michelle who had walked out with him spotted Tony with no problem and when Peter glanced at her he could practically see her thinking. Her left eyebrow rose and she stared him down.

“Is Tony Stark actually picking you up right now?”

Peter shook his head. “Nope. It’s all in your imagination. You’re hallucinating.”

Michelle laughed -- cackled more like and Peter grinned back at her as she nudged him and rolled her eyes. Ned appeared then, busy with his backpack as he walked, and only managing to not run into anyone because anyone in his path dodged him.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“Your boy here is being picked up by Tony Stark. Fancy that. I bet Flash will be jealous.”

“Which is why I’m going to go before anyone else notices,” Peter said and rushed away. When he looked back Michelle waved and Ned grinned at him and gave him thumbs up.

“Hey,” Peter said when he was close enough.

“Hi, kiddo,” his dad said, “I was in the area so I figured I’d come by and get you. I was also sort of craving this apple crostini this one restaurant has so we’re going to have to make a stop for that. Up for it?”

Peter rolled his eyes but nodded. “Sure.”

They got into the car and when Peter looked out the window he realized that a few people were watching them. Someone must have caught onto Tony being there. Not that it really mattered since everyone knew that Peter had a Stark Internship. Of course, no intern could have ever expected for Tony Stark himself to show up to pick them up from school. He was definitely going to hear about it.

The restaurant Tony took them to was a hole in the wall that no one would have ever noticed and yet it was busy. A well known secret. Nevertheless, they were seated at a discrete table towards the back without much wait which told Peter that Tony had called ahead.

“Why are we really here?” Peter asked.

“I told you -- apple crostini. Also, remind me to order one to go because Steve would kill us if we don’t bring him one back. We used to come here sometimes back in the day.”

“Oh,” Peter said.

His dad never really talked about how he and Steve had come to be and Peter didn’t really have any questions or want to know details, but he loved when Tony slipped in something that hinted at a past memory. It made him realize how normal it all was in some ways. Sometimes, it was still shocking to think about Iron Man and Captain America in a romantic relationship or to consider that they were getting married until he thought about them as Tony and Steve -- his dad and his dad’s fiance.

“Truth is, I wanted to catch up with you,” Tony said. “Things have been a bit crazy lately. Haven’t really spent much time with you on our own. Steve or someone else is usually around.”

Peter hadn’t -- no, he’d noticed, it was just that he hadn’t minded. He’d never expected to have Tony to himself all the time and had felt lucky when he did even if then it had been broken up to a few hours here and there and now he was living in the tower and had access to Tony all the time and it didn’t really matter that there were other people around.   

“We can start with, who was the girl?”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Who, Michelle? I’ve told you about her. She’s the one that figured out I’m Spider-Man all on her own.”

“MJ. You said someone named MJ did.”

“Michelle Jones. She likes to be called MJ. Anyway, that was her.”

Tony nodded. The waitress approached then and Tony ordered the apple crostinis and remembered to order the one to go as well without Peter needing to remind him.

“So she’s super smart and observant,” Tony said.

“Yup. Definitely knew it was you waiting for me. Actually, I think a few people figured it out.”

Tony shrugged with a grin. “And they can all wonder about what your internship entails once more.”

Tony started asking about how things were going in school next and Peter filled him in even though he was sure he’d mentioned some of it to him in passing over the last few weeks.

The apple crostini turned out to be amazing. He was in the middle of telling Tony about what they’d started working on in physics when it arrived and after one bite of the crunchy and flaky crust with the warm apple filling and the ice cream and Peter was in heaven.

“I told you so,” Tony said.

“This is the best thing ever,” Peter said.

It was nice to have some time on his own with Tony. Tony told him all about how the board members were driving him and Pepper crazy because they didn’t like that Tony’s concern wasn’t all about profit when it came to the prosthetic division even when it came to custom projects.

“It’s like they don’t understand how good the PR is although that obviously isn’t why we’re doing it.”

“But it’s your company,” Peter said.

“Pepper and I own more than half of the shares of the company, sure, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have to deal with the board of directors. It’s the side of business that I don’t particularly like. Pepper is awesome at it. It’s all stuff you’ll have to learn about if you want to take over the company one day--”

“Um, what?” Peter said and almost choked on a piece of apple.

Tony chuckled. “Won’t be for a while and it’s up to you if you want it. It’s not an obligation, you know. You could find your own Pepper Potts and have someone else run it if you prefer. I rather you do what you want than what you think I want you to do so--”

Peter had sort of forgotten about how Tony had broken the news to him what felt like ages ago even though it hadn’t even been a full year yet. He’d forgotten how Tony told him that he would inherit everything as if that had been the right way to let him know that Tony was his father. Since then, Peter hadn’t really thought about it or the reality of what it actually meant which meant that it was overwhelming information to take in.

“I -- that’s--”

“What, did you forget that I’m Tony Stark? You’re my heir, kid, to this whole crazy company and whatever else I’ve accumulated.”

“But what if -- what if you and Steve have kids?” Peter asked.

It wasn’t something he’d considered before that moment, but wasn’t that what people did after they got married? They went and had kids. Peter was aware that Tony and Steve were both men but there were ways around that -- surrogacy or adoption or other weirder things. It was possible. Peter didn’t know if -- well, he didn’t know if he’d be thrilled about it if they did have kids. He felt weird even just thinking about it.

“Not really something we’ve discussed,” Tony said and he seemed to notice that Peter seemed uncomfortable. “And even if we did decide to have kids it wouldn’t be for a long while, Pete.”

“Oh,” Peter said. But they could still have some even if Peter was fully grown when they did--

Tony grabbed his hand. Tony’s hand was warm and familiar and Peter allowed himself to calm down. “Peter, you’re my kid. I -- I love you, kid. Not something that will ever change. I’ll always be here for you no matter what. Even if Steve and I adopt a hundred kids. You’re still always going to be my son and you’re the most important person in my life.”

Peter hadn’t expected Tony to say that. Those three words. Tony had said them before, he was sure, but Peter couldn’t actually remember. He certainly hadn’t expected them in the moment.

“I don’t think even Steve will want to adopt that many kids,” Peter said.

“If he even wants to,” Tony said with a shrug. “I’m not saying I wouldn’t be opposed to another kid -- it’s just I’d be fine with just you.”

“Oh,” Peter said. “But you didn’t get to raise me. Not really. Don’t you want that -- the whole baby thing?” Peter didn’t really understand why people were so keen on babies. He knew they were cute but they also cried and made messes and couldn’t really do anything and he actually -- he couldn’t see Tony or even Steve dealing with a baby well.

“That doesn’t matter. Clearly, it doesn’t. You’re still my kid, Peter, and as has been established you clearly need me a lot too no matter what your age is.”

Peter nodded. “I kind of do,” Peter said and then because he couldn’t say anything else, “I, um, I love you too, dad.”

He thought that Tony’s eyes got a bit misty at that and Peter realized that he’d never actually said it out loud before. But it was true. It had been true for a while. Peter loved Tony. He loved his dad and everything that he was and did for Peter. He was one of the best people he knew and Peter would forever be glad that he knew who his father was and that it was someone as amazing as Tony Stark.

Chapter One Hundred Seven

[acaciapines]

Hello :)

Little progress here but progress nonetheless. Hope things are more productive on your end 😅

Gal changed his form for the first time in a while! He's a Verreaux Eagle right now. They're big and awesome looking :D it's a bit of a surprise since he favours smaller forms, especially recently, but he said he had a "flight itch" and just had to do it. I'm proud, anyway.

I have to go back to school tomorrow nooo I don't want to 😭 I wanted the weekend to last forever...maybe I could have caught up on some real sleep... Waah I don't like school 😭😭😭 we don't wanna go back to the cold!

I hope things are okay with the four of you! Please remember to eat + drink something, take care of yourselves & each other, and have a fantastic day. I also woke up crying for no reason this morning and haven't yet figured out why so I'm going to add, please be kind to yourselves! Gal says hi as usual. This has been a Daily Interaction Ask :)

i havent written much at all these days kndfgdfg waiting for finals to end and then i can spend all my time on my big deltarune fic. just a few more days...

ooh! very fun bird! ada sometimes does red-tailed hawk, but that ones more for me than her fkngfdg every day i get closer to just being like. yeah i think im a hawk jfgkdfg but. we're still figuring that one out. probably something thats both hawkish and dragonish.

oh NO im already out its just finals time over here dflgdfg i hope you will get off very soon.

you have a good day too! and oof...but yeah thats happened 2 me before. sometimes u just gotta start the day off with a lil cry.

[aitian]

5:43 am 12/29/2020

end of year.

feels right to revisit how i looked this yr on photobooth. most ppl only knew me through my webcam. i dont have many thoughts abt who i am or what im doing these days. mostly playing video games with alice. we smoked together a few days ago & i still feel like im in deadtime. like maybe i cant remember the important things im supposed to from the past. & rly existential lately. the panic is just in my throat, thinking abt how fast time is going & how there is no way back. i think there is a carceral logic behind the entrapment that all us depressed & anxious kids feel.. like the inadequacy of being alive, the failure to feel like a beautiful future is unfolding. im not sure anyone feels that way these days, & maybe thats why they r all holding on so desperately. all empires fall. im so grateful to be able to feel moms body & be her child these days. i just wanna lay my head on someones chest & feel good, warm, soft, coarse fabrics. also feeling anxious abt my classes, turning in the same essay that isnt rly an essay to all of my profs. oops. it was rly the best i could manage. vestigial body... i will finish writing smth i feel proud abt one day, & it will be written to myself. like this. 

idk when the last time i wrote was, but maybe i wanna talk abt my relationships. feels like i got a hard reset on my brain by smoking with alice. oh god. anyway i havent been talking to sherry & adele recently bc i just dont feel right around them. in november remembering again what it felt like to feel so unwelcome all the time, feel that energy & those manners replicated by them toward me.. ik i should just talk to people frankly abt the things im uncomfortable with at home now that i have so much practice doing it but i just dont want to. somehow it feels like they should all just know, that they are living alongside me all this time in various ways even if i am not saying things to them, & our actions that connect us in relationship are felt by them too. & there is some part of refusal to see the relationship for what it is. im not begging for some trans pity or for commitment.. those kinds of relationship arent real. what is real is wanting to spend time with me, wanting to experience some sort of exchange between bodies, wanting to walk toward near horizons. feels like everyone who listens & agrees when i speak just does it to be amicable. there are only so many ways i can reassure myself that ppl understand me for who i am, even when they are constantly being led astray to hurt me. like alice saying its good for doctors to have objective views of their patients, outside of any other relationship. mom saying that she trusted our teachers to teach us what we needed. getting weirdly gendered messages from friends at home, & never asked in good faith about how i feel. its rly so shitty that even questions like how was the day or what ru thinking rn or whats on the horizon r things they want me to ask, then dont want to answer, & make fun of bc they feel awkward saying anything. so stupid. its this kind of shit that holds me back from letting my desires be known, these rituals of repression & shame. & i always wanna hear ppls desires & then immediately regret asking to know that our relationship is in direct conflict with their utopias. so stupid.

today after dinner, which was in the late evening, mom & alice & i did some short yoga stuff & then we did silly lion dancing. im still sore. i stretched out everything that felt sort afterward. anyway, felt good to be goofy & sweat & breathe hard. 

what im feeling abt this year: - vestigial body x1000 --> dark room, heart beating fast, waiting & squeezing. theres that episode of midnight gospel when the dying dog/reindeer lady talks abt giving birth & dying, like squeezing & tensing & on no this moment will never end & then releasing & coming to rest & then all over again. & that is what i think abt every time i feel in panic now, or in a deep place of fear. there r some pains that cant be escaped, & they dont need to be. they r felt all the same.  - i made a new friend through q&a who is a kid im supposed to b mentoring. it just means that all relationships are reciprocal (i dont like that word either, but they r never simply one way or transactional) & we met every thursday during the school yr. i prepared short stories for us to read & writing prompts, & we wrote abt stuff.  - i just cant remember. all i remember abt this summer was going to stone valley with mom, feeling the sunlight & my tiredness (in an enveloping selse, toward my body & my spirit), playing games w sherry, playing some piano, & working on that fire emblem romhack. feels like the year went by so quickly. like i just had my birthday a few days ago, & now the new year means it is coming again soon. sometimes whole lives are vestigial. what is gruesome & magnificent abt that is that those vestigial bodies are hard to kill without clear intentions & collective effort. what sucks is the entrapment. i have been feeling this cant remember feeling in a bigger way, toward what my life was like before college, toward who i was in college now that i am so removed, & even more toward the kid whose world blossomed into smth they desperately desired & felt afraid of. middle school me would be horrified. maybe an even younger me would be proud, feel in awe or struck by the rightness of home. - i want to remember mom. the way she walks around with her hands in her pockets. 帅吗。:). how we skip/gallop sideways to avoid the wind on our walks, & she bounces when she walks like a silly kid. i love her. unruly gender, stubbornness of feelings, failure failure failure is why we r hurt but also why we r rly still allowed to be here. thinking abt moms essay, moving away from her grandma, thinking she would live together again someday. thinking abt how im home this yr, in a way i thought maybe i would never be ever again. its so cruel to leave love behind for the sake of a ritualized life i could never participate in. i wont do it. i just wont.

some feelings abt the coming year - i want to meet someone like myself & fall in love. deeply, with myself, in relationship. i wanna have sex too, & feel held in my being alive. i wanna be allowed to enjoy my body in even more regards like wearing short sleeves & feeling the sun on my arms free from dysphoria, existing in public not noticeably & feeling the evaporation of racial tension, waking up with that feeling of possibility, like i want to be alive & eat food & go outside & do those things in my body that remind me that i am a part of how the rest of this world is growing. i wanna be held in that knowing, together, of wellness & movement toward everything that means we matter to each other.  - playing video games has been so important to this vestige & i dont want it to remain that way. i wanna collect stuff & grow stuff in real life, & grow myself & my relationships too. its not living when its the mourning of the freedom i should have always had & should have every moment i am continuing to life unfreely. - i wanna do some stuff to express gratitude to the ppl i have continued some sort of relationship with. feel bad abt how no one has emailed me back in more than a month now. maybe wanna do a q&a chapbook or yearbook. complex feelings bc i am so not in relationship with the ppl i wanna care abt. it sucks. part of that is letting go of guilt too, & being real with myself abt how much responsibility is on the other body to make me feel okay in our relationships. its rly not my fault that, u kno.. everyone is used to making someone like me feel like shit. sad that my most continuous relationships this yr r with professors. those dumb feelings of obligation r killer. i guess im grateful to be legible in some ways, while feeling the intensely awkward unwillingness to be real abt our positions relative to each other. i think lots more happening in this regard in the coming months w classes, blk atlantic ecologies, maybe smth w prof lee. & sometimes thinking abt what grad school would mean. - i wanna feel slow, i wanna feel like myself, i wanna feel free. some feelings r sitting in the garden on my own in the spring, planting some stuff. thinking abt what it might grow into, coming back again & again. the sun ducks behind clouds & comes back out, & the world feels so light & passing by. & time feels forever, like i have so much patience to dream & breathe & observe. this is one of my early memories, watching shadows on the concrete/sidewalks at preschool, feeling warmer then colder then warmer again. i also wanna feel the kind of collectivity that makes me know we all insist on home. i want it to branch beyond this home that i know. & also mean that i will not throw this away. im thinking abt how to exist intimately with more than one person at once. it is smth i will learn as it comes into my life.

[mywildloves]

So, let me give you guys an idea of whats been going on since I was active on a daily basis here. 

Ive finally admitted to myself that the fact that I lost my job was my fault. I developed a severe mental illness due a multitude of factors I had no control over, but, my illness and the therapy got in the way of my job performance, and my presence in the lab. Its like, yeah I didnt expect my brain to decompose and I certainly didnt know how to deal with that, but at the same time the responsibility of trying to do the very best I could was mine. And I didnt. And thats why Im here. I carry a lot of guilt about it.

Being unemployed for this long has been really scary. Ive been out of work since June and Ive only had two interviews and nothings come out of them. I have a feeling that no one in NYC will take me because they all know my boss and they dont want him to think theyve “poached” me from his lab. That was one of the concerns that a woman from one institution had. She said she still had to keep up a relationship with the members of the microscopy community, and didnt want my employment with her to cause a deterioration of the relationship she has with my former lab. Could be bullshit, maybe hiring me is a risk... and its hard to know that that fact IS my fault. That I should have handled the therapy and the effect of my mental illness more professionally. They call me because Im qualified, but then they wont take me because of where I used to work. I feel like either I need to move to a new state, or change professions. I love microscopy though. I do. I want to stay there. I want to contribute to the knowledge. I want to be part of the effort. Science excites me.  

Theres one job that Im still waiting on, and its the one I REALLY REALLY WANT, but I havent gotten much of a response to the few emails Ive sent. Im showing them that Im enthusiastic about the position without being overbearing and irritating. I sent the guy I interviewed with a “thank you for your time” email, like youre supposed to. And then I sent him an email with a few questions, since he said it would be understandable that after the interview I might have some questions that didnt come to mind during the interview. No answer. Then I emailed his assistant to see if the position had been filled and she said that nothing has happened with that position that shes aware of and that he and the other PI on the project have been travelling a lot, and to “stay tuned” for more info. The feeling I got from that interview was that they werent in a rush to get someone. 

I asked him if waiting for me to relocate would be an issue as this position is in Boston and finding a place to live, a school for my kids, some kind of day care situation, etc, would take time. His answer was “Well, were not interested in finding the person who can start as soon as possible, were looking for the right person. If you told me you couldnt make it until May, then we might have to talk about getting that time frame a little closer” So... Im not out of the pool. He didnt even want references as he said that he knew a bunch of people from Einstein (where I used to work) that now work for their company. I know who hes talking about, and thats a very very very good thing. 

Strangely, a company based in France that works on temperature controllers for microscopes contacted me. That was the thing I was trying to patent, and build while I was working at my old job. No one knows about that except for you guys, vaguely, and the people in my old lab. How word got to some start up company in France is beyond me.

Ugh, enough about the job thing. I know, that was a lot but thats whats front and center here.

 In other news, Im now 125 lbs! Much better than the 105 lbs I had dropped to. It was gross. Being 105 lbs isnt gross, but the quickness at which I lost it gave me saggy skin and even though I looked good in clothes, naked, I was a mess. Just a horror show. Now Im filling it out and the yoga is REALLY helping me tone up. Ive been eating more and taking the kids to the playground after school a lot (since winter will be here before you know it and those days will be few and far between). When I take them to the park I dont do the sitting on the bench playing with my phone thing. I play. I love the playground, so while Im having fun Im also moving and exercising. All of Dylans friends like me a lot because I engage them while their parents are all squawking in the parent clique, and Im there to have fun with them all. Dylans “girlfriend” really likes me too. We had a jumping competition last time I went. Who could jump the longest off of the highest step on this one jungle gym thing. It was like 4 steps high, so I wasnt putting her in danger, but it was cute. I did save her from some bigger boys that were picking her up and swinging her around and boy did I read them the riot act. 

Dylan got 100% on his first test, which was a spelling test, and of course Im so proud of him, but at the same time Im also pretty peeved that he had to take a test in the first grade. I dont know, maybe Im too soft, but at 6 years old theyre still babies and they dont need tests yet. What if they dont do well? Thats hard for a 6 year old. Its unnecessary at their age IMO.

Theres so much more but Ive written a shit ton here that no one is going to read because of length, so Ill write more as I think about it. Its just a hard time right now, but really Im making the best of it. Im owning my shit and trying as hard as I can to fix it. The time Im getting with my kids is really awesome, and its a privilege honestly. Ill cherish this forever. I wish I could make some money while doing it, but thats almost impossible after not having established myself at any kind of company. I dont even care what I do. I just want to stay here. I thought about selling artwork but Im afraid Im not good enough for that. Theres just so much to figure out but not a whole lot of time.  

Anyway, talk soon.