#anyway that's tonight's 2:30am thoughts

[colorstormx]

what if I renamed Storm as Zephyr instead. what if I renamed myself Zephyr. hmm. hmmmmmm.

[jeonqkooks]

to the loml, my beloved, may i play in the event game? hehe ;u; i would like your take on yoongi + "did i say that out loud?" + "stop looking at me like that!" ♡

i love you and congratulations again, jen oi ♡ muah~

sunlit sunday. (myg)

pairing: yoongi x reader prompts: "did i say that out loud?" + "stop looking at me like that!" genre/warnings: best friends to lovers (?), college au, fluff; mentions of drinking, barely edited word count: 1.1k note: i do not know what this is, nor why it took me over half a year to finish this drabble. cee my love you sent this ask in august 2022 and it took me literally forever to post i'm sorry 😭

as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

The sun is already rising, but poor Yoongi hasn’t slept a wink. Partly because he can’t feel his left arm from where it’s being used as your makeshift pillow, partly because last night you told him you were in love with him and proceeded to pass the fuck out.

There was a party - there’s always a party every weekend when you’re in college - that Yoongi didn’t even want to go to. He just wanted to spend his Saturday night holed up in his apartment with you, pizzas and a movie. It gives him something to look forward to at the end of every week, partly because he's nothing if not a creature of habit, but mostly because he gets to spend time with you alone.

But tonight, you wanted to attend, and it didn’t take a whole lot of convincing for Yoongi to (begrudgingly) accompany you to a frat house on campus to spruce up your weekly routine. He would always complain, but you both know that he’d do anything you ask.

That's why he didn't really have anybody else to blame when he found himself having to tuck a very intoxicated you into an unfamiliar bed at 2:30AM in this greasy frat house. It wasn't exactly the best idea, but it was the only one he had. Yoongi wasn't exactly sober, and you were too drunk for him to haul you home.

You babbled nonsense the whole time he was peeling off your shoes and outer layers so you could sleep more comfortably. It was difficult - you're a squirmy drunk - but he managed in the end. When it comes to you, Yoongi has had years of experience, having known you from your early high school days together and being inseparable ever since.

He had gotten under the covers with you, about to try and coax you to sleep when you sighed dreamily at the ceiling, looking so content with whatever thoughts in your head that it felt like you could float away.

"I'm in love with Yoongi," you said, so softly that Yoongi wasn't sure if he heard you right. But even in the midst of tipsy uncertainty, his heart went berserk like it was going to run away from his body. Then you popped the ringing bubble in his head with a sharp giggle, uncaring, so oblivious. "Stop looking at me like that! Did I say that out loud?"

He didn't know what to say, even though it didn't really matter anyway. You weren't in a state of mind to comprehend everything he wanted to ask, everything he wanted to say to you. Yoongi kept his eyes on you while you kept yours on the ceiling like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"You did," he muttered, averting his eyes, and you tittered again.

"Don't tell him." You turned to look at him with a finger pressed against your lips. He wasn't sure who you thought you were talking to but he didn't correct you; there was no point in doing so anyway. "It's supposed to be a secret."

He doesn't remember what he said next, if he even said anything at all. Though it doesn't matter because you promptly passed out afterward, and it's unlikely that you'll remember any of it when you wake up.

Everything from then until now is just a jumbled mess to Yoongi, his thoughts full of what the fuck's and his chest full of borderline painful palpitations every time you snuggle further into his warmth, seeking comfort in your sleep.

The thing is, he knows that you were being honest. You meant it, because you're nothing if not an honest drunk; you've disclosed your fair share of embarrassing secrets whilst under the influence before. But never would Yoongi expect to hear those very specific words coming from your mouth, words that reflect the same sentiment that he's been trying to profess to you for years now.

They rolled off your tongue, just like that.

If he's being honest, it wounds him a little bit. He's spent hundreds and hundreds of days thinking about the perfect way to phrase his affection for you and yet, you managed to spill your feelings out without a single care in the world.

Granted, you were drunk out of your mind, but still.

Eventually, you stir from your slumber when blinding sunlight slips through the cracks between the curtains. Yoongi watches you frown before your eyes are even open, then you try to stretch for a brief moment as you look around the strange bedroom, partly alarmed, partly confused.

When your gaze finally lands on him, he catches the way your eyes soften, the edges of your confusion melting away even though he doubts that the sight of him answered any of the questions in your head.

"Morning," you say, your voice heavy with sleep.

"Morning," Yoongi replies quietly.

You share a look, one that means completely different things for the both of you. You're probably hungover, and Yoongi is in love.

So in love that he doesn't even care to berate you for making him spend the night in a random bedroom in a disgusting frat house, where a pair of (likely dirty) boxers is casually chilling draped over a chair. So in love that it expels all sense of fatigue from his body until the only thing coursing through his veins is unfiltered fondness for you and the way your eyes crinkle when you smile.

So in love that he would wait until you're awake enough to ask him to walk you home, ask him to make you your favorite hangover breakfast while you take a long, hot shower to feel like a human being again. He'd wait until you're fed and caffeinated before joining you on the couch, prepared to kill the remaining hours of the day together. So in love that he'd only wait until that moment to tell you the things he's always wanted to say, the things that have always been on the tip of his tongue but he's never been brave enough to utter them to you.

He'd tell you what you need to hear, albeit with a bruised ego that you beat him to the punch but he'd pretend that you didn't. It's a secret shared between only Yoongi and the four walls of this bedroom.

He's so in love that he would endure staying up all night in this dump when he could've been in his own bed, comfortable and clean and cozy. But it's okay because it's Sunday and the sun is out, and you were the one sleeping peacefully next to him, despite how your head made his arm go numb. It's okay because love has a tendency to make awful things feel better, even if love is only stored in a set of sleepy eyes staring at Yoongi and a whiny voice asking to go home.

all rights reserved © jeonqkooks. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted 10.03.2024]

[vintagesage123]

Fired Gojo x Reader

its been 2 years but i'm back, see you in another two maybe

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was it, really. No thank you for the years of torture no i'm sorry for all the stress i've put you through over the last 5 years of your life, no of course not, the asshole couldn't even come and tell me he was firing me himself.

All i was provided with was the cardboard box that I was supposed to put my things in. Fuck that, if they want me gone they can pack it them self. I've spent 5 years working my ass off in this company, i'm not spending another second in this hell hole.

16 hours later:

Something does't feel right, my head feels as if my brain is fighting to get out, my legs are like jelly, the hot body pressed to me from behind, and oh yeah that man's arm around me. Wait who the hell is that? ''Good morning sexy'' he smirks against my neck. Oh shit, i know that voice, I can already see that smirk just by the tone of his voice. Please tell me i didn't sleep with my old boss, please tell me i didn't sleep with Gojo Satoru.

i turn slowly around and see him, those blue eyes meet mine, still smiling of course. ''so... you wanna order in or should we go out?'' Oh no.

8 hours earlier

There was a banging on my door, I didn't order food did i?. I'm pretty drunk but i think id remember that. Slowly i peep through the hole in my door and see none other than Gojo. Fuck fuck fuck. What if I just pretend i'm not home?

''I know your in there'' Fuck my life.

I groan and open the door '' what do you want?''

''Nice outfit'' i'm wearing a hoodie and pj shorts. He pushes past me into my apartment. ''I have your stuff''

''What stuff?''

''The stuff you left on your desk before you stormed out, obviously'' he puts the box down on my kitchen island.

''Oh well why didn't you just get one of your underlings to bring it, like the way you got one of them to fire me'' i say ''and I also didn't storm out''

''You didn't storm out? then why did James tell me you cursed him out and oh... stormed out'' he laughs at his own joke.

''Whatever, we are done now, i don't have to pretend I like you and you can hire some early twenties bimbo to take my place''

He leans back on the island ''okay firstly'' he holds one finger up ''I didn't fire you for that reason, but thanks for the bimbo tip'' he holds his second finger up ''secondly if i wanted some eye candy I would have kept you, and your also good at your job so that's a bonus''

I step in front of him still a bit flustered from his comment ''Then why did you fire me''

''Your attitude'' he smirks

''My attitude'' i laugh at that ''my attitude, you were the one calling me at 3:30am to see if i could finish the work you didn't bother to get done, and i always got it done''

He leans down to my face ''You did, not very well but you did''

This ass ''Maybe because I don't have a business degree, and oh, IT WAS THREE THIRTY OR LATER''

''Yeahhhh, maybe that's why, anyways, whatcha doinggg'' he looks past my shoulder and sees the half drank bottle of alcohol ''Rough night huh''

''Fuck off'' I make my way to my couch and pour myself another drink.

''Woah, i thought your attitude was bad before, now your a full blown bitch. Keep that up and you might turn me on'' he makes his way over to sit beside me and pours himself a drink''

''What the hell is wrong with you'' i laugh.

''Oh my God'' he looks to me shocked.

''What, what is it!?'' i freeze.

''Your face doesn't crack when you smile''

''What is wrong with you, seriously, i thought there was an axe murder behind me'' I exhale.

He grabs the remote ''what are we watching, fight club, planet of the apes ohhh bullet train?''

I think of telling him to go home but that would be more work than just dealing with his presence ''uhhh bullet train''

It's about an hour in. He has spread himself out on the couch, the bottle's empty and we are pretty drunk. In this light hes kinda hot, well he was always hot, but tonight is the first time iv'e actually looked, like really looked. As I'm looking at him he catches me in the side of his eye. Oh no hes going to make a big deal out of this isn't he''

''See something you like'' he smirks

''Yeah Aaron Taylor Johnson is pretty hot''

''Anything else you like?'' he looks at me with that big cheshire grin.

''I mean Brad Pitt is pretty nice to look at'' he rolls his eyes at that. I almost feel like laughing.

''Sure you don't see anything else'' he grabs my thigh. What the fuck.

''No not really'' i gulp, there's no hiding how nervous i am now.

''Just relax, we've both had a pretty shitty day, why not relax?'' he lifts his hand up higher until hes almost touching me. Oh my god.

''If i say yes this doesn't mean anything, okay'' Is this a good idea, probably not, but i'm drunk and really fucking horny so fuck it.

He pulls me onto his lap ''You say no its a no, you say yes its a yes, you say its nothing then its nothing, what you say goes''

''Fuck it'' i pull him down to me and kiss him, and oh fuck he tastes good, like mint and alcohol.

He's holding me by my hips and grinding me down onto him, hes already hard ''fuck your so hot'' he says making his way down my neck. He picks me up from under my thighs ''where is your bedroom''

''Straight down the hall first left'' he drops me on the bed and crawls between my legs slowly pulling my shorts and panties down.

''Fuck, how long has it been baby, your soaking'' i really don't want to give him that answer, so I ignore him.

He puts his tongue on my lips and i already feel like i'm about to burst and he hasn't even gone near my clit ''Satoru'' i moan.

''How long baby, i wont lick you again if you don't tell me''

This asshole ''I don't know like...three years''

His smile drops ''how are you alive''

''Not all of us have a sex addiction'' he licks my clit this time and fuccckkk.

''I don't have a sex addiction'' he keeps licking''

''How many times have you called me late at night to 'leave to deal with a work emergency' because you wanted to get away from a woman'' he nips my thigh. ''Ow Satoru'' i hiss.

''I love it when you say my name'' he slides two fingers in me and it doesn't take him long to find that spot.

My legs start to shake and my thighs clamp around his head and then i'm seeing stars. Fuck i'm cumming already. He's good, easily my best, ill never tell him that of course.

When i think he's done he keeps going, overstimulating me ''wait Satoru, it's to much'' i moan out.

''How are you supposed to expect me to stop when you say my name like that, anyways I need to get you ready for me'' not long after he says that does he draw circles on my clit with that magic tongue and fuck i'm seeing stars again.

''Satoru'' i moan. Finally he pulls away from me. He pulls my hoodie over my head and see's i'm not wearing anything under it.

''Fuckkkkkk'' he kisses my neck and make his way down to my nipple and takes the left one in his mouth, letting me grind myself on his thigh.

He pulls himself back up to kneel in between my thighs ''I to be in you'' he pulls his fly down ''do you have protection''

''I haven't had sex in four years, so no'' this idiot

He smiles at me, what the hell is he smiling at ''thought you said three years''

''Shut up'' i grit out ''i'm on the pill, just pull out''

I've never seen this man smile more than after that sentence ''fuck yes baby'' he rips off his shirt and pulls down his sweatpants and fuck, no wonder these women keep coming back, easily 8 inches and fat to. Maybe he was right in making sure i was ready, this one time he was right.

''You ready baby'' he says stroking himself and lining himself up to my entrance.

I nod and that's all the confirmation he needs, he pushes himself in all the way ''fuckkkk baby your so fucking tight'' and fuckkkkk, hes right again, It's hitting just right, no man's fingers let alone his cock could hit that deep, but here the one man i thought I'd never sleep with is eight inches deep and i'm loving every second of it.

He starts thrusting at a slowed pace but doesn't take long to build up a rough fast pace. He lifts my legs up to my shoulder's and if i didn't think he was hitting the spot before, he sure is now.

He's not shy about showing how he enjoys sex, hes moaning and grunting just as much as me and it's turning me on more than i've ever been turned on before. He throws his head back in pure bliss ''Fuck baby, where is it''

I can't even think when hes hammering into that spot ''where's what'' i moan in between his thrusts.

''Your vibrator, you haven't had a cock in four years, you definitely have one'' he smiles. I stare at him in shock, how does know that.

''Em, in the nightstand'' without pulling out he grabs the bullet from the nightstand and puts it over my left nipple ''FUCK'' i moan.

Slowly he brings the vibrator down to my clit and in less than a minute i'm seeing stars. He doesn't stop there, he keeps abusing that spot and my clit. The only noises in the room is our skin and moans and before long i'm coming around him again. ''Fuck baby your so hot when you cum''

Tears are streaming down my face from the overstimulation, fuck its all to much, hes to much. ''Come on baby, just one more beautiful'' he lets my legs down and lays above me ''your so sexy baby he says kissing my neck comforting me ''your okay just give me one more''

''Satoru'' i moan and i'm cumming with him.

8 hours later:

Oh yeah that happened

note:

This is the second story i've written so the grammar and pacing might be a bit off but hope you enjoy and please id love some constructive criticism.

another note:

In this story i talked about pulling out, if your having sex pulling out doesn't work, please be careful and use protection.

[gojoest]

ok i am finally home and it’s STORYTIME WITH THE WAITER !! *rubs hands together* long post btw my thoughts are very hectic i am sleep deprived and hungover so excuse me t-t

so last night we went to this place with 2 of my coworkers (that are also close friends of mine) — it’s a club restaurant actually, the music is chill and not so loud until about 10-10:30pm so you can eat and chat with friends and then after that it’s showtime (hot men put on a show, they dance and strip, the latter is not that hardcore btw). turns out they organize different shows every night so it’s not always that. ANYWAY, we had a waitress assigned to our table but the place was so full and she was busy running around catering to everyone so instead of waiting i asked the waiter in question for the menu :3 so he brought us 3 and was like “sorry my coworker is very busy, if she can’t handle all her tables i will gladly take care of you tonight”. guys he is super cute i tell you, he’s got that big smile on his face all the time and a super positive energy flowing from him + he jokes around with ease and just seems to be so easygoing and friendly and i find that so attractive NOT TO MENTION he is very handsome and has a beard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sadly though he didn’t end up taking our table bc the waitress made it work somehow, she was super lovely btw <3 he was constantly passing by our table though and we both shamelessly stared at each other every time lmao

anyway as the night went on and we downed 4 bottles of wine and started dancing my mischievous coworkers invited him to our table for a bit and he did not decline even though he was working, he just casually sat down with us and behaved like we’ve always known each other ajksdskas. so we poured him a glass of wine, said cheers and then danced a bit AND THEN t-t my coworker took an empty water bottle and spun it on the floor (do you see where i am going) and it ended up pointing towards me and the waiter t-t and that same coworker was like “you have to kiss her now, these are the rules” and i was like :0 just standing there like :0 what :0 what :0 he then came to me and looked me in the eyes and put his hands on my cheeks but didn’t kiss me immediately, i think he was waiting for my reaction like i’m going give you 3 secs to push me away if you don’t want to but ofc I DID WANT TO KISS HIM so we in fact kissed.

after we were done kissing my coworker literally placed the bottle between us again, didn’t spin it this time just put it there between us like ok round 2 now, keep going KSJHDKSJSAA and he looked at me and was like “how about you kiss me this time” with a smug smile. part of me wanted to slap him but a bigger part of me wanted to keep kissing him so that’s that sigh we kissed again. HE IS SUCH A GOOD KISSER it’s not my fault :/

later we had some time to chat and exchange numbers etc.. and im glad we did bc i wanted to apologize to him for what my friends pulled with that orchestrated spin the bottle. and he was like “i am very content things turned out that way actually and i hope you don’t mind it either, and also — i hope you are single too” <- he looked so cute saying this that i ended up kissing him again help. then we talked some more and kissed some more. around 3:30am we had to leave bc we had work in like a few hours so i called a taxi and he waited with me outside even though he was still at work (i hope he did not get in trouble for that + spending a lot of time with us t-t) and then opened the car door for me and told me to text him when i get home t-t but i forgot bc i was a bit drunk and all i wanted to do was sleep right away so i just passed out. BUT HE CALLED ME and was like you home safe? and i was like yep yepp !! then i saw that he texted me a few times to check on me and maybe got worried that i did not reply so he called t-t

today he kept texting me all day casually updating me on how his day is going + asking questions about my day and etc. he sent me a selfie in the morning and was like “ok since you’re not drunk anymore can you please look at me and confirm that you still like me” LMAO he is so !! doki doki !! makes me laugh a lot but also i want to punch him sometimes bc he’s so smug but then again i can’t bc he’s also very cute and pretty t-t anyway i shall keep you updated on mr waiter v_v WAIT actually he’s also an engineer but works as a waiter too + he’s a foreigner but has been living here for a long time, knows the language fluently and has the cutest tiny accent when saying certain words IT’S SO CUTE anyway i need to take a shower now i am so tired t-t

[autisticprentiss]

Sleepover

Emily Prentiss X reader, part 2/?

Reader cats are named after my rats lol

/ Thursday 8th, 11:45pm. Seattle / 

It strikes Emily as quietly domestic, sitting in bed next to each other, doing your own thing on your tablets in companionable silence. 

She checks her watch and discovers it's almost midnight again, and reaches down to pull her tablet on the charger. You see her starting to move out of the corner of your eye and follow suit, leaning over Emily to place your tablet next to hers on the nightstand. 

Emily basically manhandles you into the same spooning position you started in last night,smiling as she pulls and tugs at you until she's comfortable. You don't think you can get more comfortable than being in her arms, anyway she wants you. 

Emily breaks the silence, "You think it's bad that I like cuddling you more than Sergio?" 

You laugh and shake your head slightly, "Nope, unless I wake up with you headbutting me because you're hungry, I think I prefer you over my cat too." 

"You have a cat too?" She asks.

You nod, "I have two, they stay with my neighbours while we're away." 

"What are their names?" 

"The oldest is Janeway, she's almost 10." You pause at the look Emily's giving you, she stares at you, before laughing, "Janeway? You nerd."

"Hey!" You exclaim, "She's a very well respected captain. Asimov is 4, I call her 'Azi' mostly. They were both strays that claimed me as their human not long after I moved to D.C." 

"Janeway and Asimov." Emily shakes her head,  she's smiling, "Does Reid know he has nerd competition?" 

You roll your eyes, and turn yourself back onto your side, body tucked into Emily's. 

"Goodnight, Em."

Tonight you fall asleep first, Emily's fingers tracing a figure 8 on your arm lulling you into a peaceful sleep. 

Only once she's very very sure you're asleep, does Emily change her pattern to hearts, a small, invisible, expression of her growing feelings for you, an attempt to acknowledge those feelings silently, but still outside the privacy of her mind. 

When she'd invited you to share her bed last night, it had been an impulse, no thought given to her crush on you but it was becoming undeniable, and Emily is sure when the team returns to Quantico Penelope will see right through her and double down her efforts to convince Emily to ask you out. 

Emily tries to push the thoughts from her mind, forces herself to breathe evenly and falls asleep. 

In her dream, Emily gently headbutts your shoulder a couple times until you stir, laughing at her and turning to face her. 

"I'm hungry." She whines with a smirk. 

"You're not actually a cat, you can get up and get your own food." You try to tuck yourself back into her body, but Emily pushes your shoulder down, until you're on your back and she's hovering above you, hands next to your head.

"Maybe what I want to eat is already in bed with me." 

/ 2:22am /

Suddenly you're awake, the bed shakes with the force of Emily sitting up.

"Bad dream?" You ask. 

She mumbles something and nods slightly, her eyes look heavy. You pull her back down under the blanket and into you, making her the little spoon and hoping it might help her feel safe enough to fall back asleep. 

You both fall back asleep quickly, Emily's 'bad dream' temporarily forgotten as she melts into you. 

/ 7:30am / 

Emily's been avoiding eye contact with you all morning, she turned the small TV on almost as soon as you both woke up, the news the only thing stopping the room from drowning in silence. 

You glance at her again, she's pulling her boots on and you figure you have to ask now before she leaves the room and you both get swept up in the case details again. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" 

Emily finally looks up at you, and for the first time in a while, you actually find eye contact comforting instead of stressful.

"Talk about what?"

"Your bad dream? It can help to talk it out," You've had plenty of bad dreams yourself, and while you've never talked about them you've always appreciated when someone offers to listen.

Emily shakes her head, her shoulders relaxing slightly from how she's had her whole body tensed, on edge and jumpy all morning. 

"It wasn't really a bad dream," She clocks your disbelief before you can school your face into a neutral expression, "More like a jumpscare really." 

You just nod, knowing she's not telling you the whole truth, and follow her out the door to the lobby for another day of crime fighting. 

/ 

[greatersuffer]

3:30am Thoughts on Felicia Hardy

TW: SA/R--- MENTION

I've been thinking a lot about Felicia Hardy tonight; about how her sexual assault affects her. Felicia was nearly r-ped by someone her freshman year of college, but was saved by a man named Ryan, who later assaulted her when they were dating. As a 2-time survivor myself, I have a lot of thoughts.

I feel like a large chunk of Felicia's desire to flirt with others stems from needing a palpable sense of control over a given situation.

If someone is sexualizing her, it's because of something she chose to sexualize about herself. If someone's flirting with her, it's because she started it. It's a sense of control. I think a part of it is absolutely because she's a natural flirt, but the aspects of her that venture into hypersexuality definitely stem from her SA (imo). Felicia will do nearly anything to avoid that sense of helplessness.

When it comes to sexual acts, Felicia needs to really trust someone to take on a submissive role. Ideally, she'd be a switch, but she has to feel safe to give up the sense of control she all but clings to. She's afraid of feeling that vulnerable again.

She doesn't like sharing this information with partners unless she feels a need to; she hates feeling like a victim, cringes when others look at her with pity. So, while Felicia may flirt hardcore with your muses, she'll be slow to act on anything too intense. She'll play it off.

Anyway, she had blackout curtains in her room for years afterwards because she didn't like feeling vulnerable at night. She still puts them up on bad days. Thank you for listening.

[stalkercoree]

Good morning, angel!

I think I’ve had something similar, but I’ll book it anyway—it seems to hold warmth.

I hope sleep finds you swiftly tonight, dear. You seemed a little lost in thought earlier, perhaps weary. There’s a certain charm in your tiredness.

As for your other message, I can’t help but guess that your patched-up jacket holds a special place in your heart.

My plan is simple: to conquer you, bring you to your knees, steal your soul… and then, who knows what might follow? I might as well tie you up for a while.

fox

Good Morning/goodnight as I am about to sleep at a nice 2:30am to be up at 7am but ruff nights do that lol

mhm I'm cold 24/7 so I always have jackets

Yeah, hopefully had 3 cigs in a row so hopefully I can sleep, Yeah, I was worn out and just zoned out.

Yeah, my jacket was an old Demin button up given to me by my mom back in 2021 it has seen a lot of stuff over the years I'm repainting it rn

I think I could be on my knees for awhile, I've heard they look pretty bruised. Hopefully you tie good cause i slip out of things easily

[house-of-cards-and-crime]

i was GONNA start on this tonight, cause i have it already kinda informally started, but then it was 2:30am and i need to sleep

but anyway, tomorrow i'm gonna start off strong and make a MASSIVE analysis for the new VAs for Hazbin Hotel and my opinions on them, cause i spent a lot of time today thinking about it and already typed out several-hundred words about it to a friend on a whim

i'll probably post each character's VA thoughts in a separate post, in a reblog from the previous one, etc, but it depends how long things get. i already know i'm gonna get REALLY into it about specifically Alastor and Valentino's voices because i already went way overboard with them when talking to that friend

BUT that is a tomorrow thing

[imnotgoinghome]

Alive or Just Breathing?

Hey peeps! I’m back with Chapter 2 of my first very series on my account so I hope you guys like. Just fyi, I did make MJ show affection…. I know right? It’s like illegal. But anyway, hope you enjoy!

Chapter 2:

What Am I Supposed to do?

————————————————————————-

Summary:

You and Peter always went to your best friends (and roommates) when you were hurting or having trouble, but can you really count on their advice for everything?

Warning:

MJ being affectionate, Crying, Fluff?

————————————————————————-

“I don’t know what to do….” You told Mj as the two of you sat on your bed. It was late, 12:30am to be exact, but time was irrelevant to the two of you. Peter had left, not having any more words to exchange, you both decided it was better for him to just leave.

“I know this is hard for you. I know that this conversation wasn’t easy for you to have. And I think, from what you told me, you handled it the best you could. I can’t tell you that everything’s gonna be ok, but I can tell you that everything will work itself out one way or another” Mj explained to you, desperately trying to comfort her best friend.

“Thanks Mj. I know your trying to help. But I just don’t know if your right. I know that no one can guarantee everything will be ok, but will everything just magically work out? Because what if when it works out Peter and I aren’t together anymore,” you breathing became uneasy as you spoken. You were trying to tell yourself that you and Peter where met for each other. That everything was okay. That everyone was going to be okay. But it was no use. Because no matter how hard you tried to believe in him, you always doubted him more. “Mj, what if he ends up hating me because I broke up with him? What happens when we hate each other?” You asked her as an attempt to ground yourself.

Mj was quick to pick up on the disappointed undertone your voice had as you spoke. She knew that you didn’t want to break up with Peter, and to he knowledge, she could only assume you thought you had to.

“Y/n, did you actually want to break up with Peter?” She asked you softly. If all else failed, at least she’d know how you truly felt.

“Can I be honest?” You replied, causing MJ to nod slowly. “I broke up with Peter because I felt lost. I felt alone. With him, I felt warm. But without him, I felt the opposite. When we started dating, I felt like a warm summer day. But recently I’ve been feeling like a cold winter night. And thanks to that, my mind became hazy. It was hard for me to be around because I would get to hot. After being so cold, and getting so hot that quickly, it became to much for me to handle. So, in order to try and prevent it, I invited him over less. I didn’t text or call him as much. And eventually, it got to a point where neither of us started a conversation, leaving us both empty handed. We got to the point where we never saw or talked to each other other then Peter‘s occasional swing by and at school. And I think that over time I started to realize that I didn’t want that. So I tried to talk to him but he didn’t understand so I left it alone…”

“Until tonight. So you broke up with him because that was the only way to get him to listen to you” MJ had taken the words right out of your mouth. You sat there, not knowing what to tell her or even say.

“Yeah…” was all you could say before MJ interrupted you. “You know you could’ve talked to me right? I’m always here for you. Why else do you think we’re roommates?” She added, causing you to laugh for the first time that day.

“I know, and I’m sorry I didn’t. I just wish I could’ve handled it better. Because truth be told, I really didn’t want to have to break up with Peter, I just wanted him to listen to me… I just miss being listened to sometimes” you told her, taking sudden interest in your hands.

MJ slowly brought her hand to your face, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear before bring your eyes to met hers. “I meant what I said, I’m always here for you. Whether that means to listen, to talk, or even just to help you with your makeup or homework. I’m always here for you Y/n”.

“Thanks MJ. But what am I going to do about Peter?” You asked her.

“You know what you need,” you raised an eyebrow, “a girls day. Get some rest girlfriend cause tomorrow I’m calling Betty and Liz and the four of us are going to the mall” MJ explained, kissing your forehead before she left.

“Ok. Night MJ” you called after her.

“Night Y/n” she said before closing your bedroom door.

“It was so awkward dude. I don’t know what I’m gonna do” Peter sighed as he flopped back on his bed. Ned sighed, looking at his best friend with a disappointed expression.

“Look, Y/n broke up with you right?”

“Yeah…”

“Do you know why?” Ned questioned.

“Something about I didn’t give her enough attention or something, I don’t remember” Peter lied. He knew exactly why you broke up with him, he could only hope he didn’t have to tell Ned too.

“Come on Peter, we both know that’s a lie”

“Fine. She broke up with me because I wasn’t there. She broke up with me because I’m a horrible person, ok? Is that what you wanted?” Peter asked, clearly annoyed.

“Ok, just calm down and let’s figure this out”

“I am calm!” Peter snapped. He didn’t want to talk about it. But he knew Ned wasn’t going to let it go. So, he took a couple deep breaths and tried to steady himself.

“Why did she say you were a horrible person?” Ned asked, clearly not understanding Peter’s exaggeration.

“She didn’t call me a horrible person, Ned. She implied that I am a horrible person” he explained.

“Ok so why did she imply that you are a horrible person?”

Peter gave him a quick look of disgust before explaining. “She implied that I am a horrible person because she said that I didn’t make enough time for her. She said that I was growing distant, constantly ditching her, never spending time with her. Like, can you believe that? Me? A flaker?” Peter asked him. Ned knew that Peter was trying to cover the fact that the subject hurt him. He knew what Peter was saying wasn’t what he meant.

“Well, I mean you have been spending at lot of time out on patrol and by yourself” Ned hastily replied. He knew it wasn’t the smartest response, but it was all he could think to say.

“Really? You too?” He asked, the sad undertone to his words not going unnoticed.

“Look, I know it’s not what you want to hear, and it’s probably not gonna go very well when I said this but,” he took a deep breath. “I’m just gonna say it. Peter, your the one who messed up your relationship. Both of you suffered from you not being there and you didn’t try and fix it, you just let it happen”

“Wow thanks” Peter said as he rolled his eyes.

“Cut the sarcasm and listen to me. You both made mistakes. But you never talked about them. You just let them happen and forgot about them because you never talked to each other. You never listened to each other,”

“Why are you telling me this?” Peter asked sadly.

“I’m telling you this so you can realize that you have the chance to fix it. You have the chance to make things right. But only you can do that. Y/n can tell you she’s sorry all she wants but it won’t mean a thing unless it comes from the person who messed things up to being with. You have to make things right, Peter. And you have to do so before it’s to late.” Ned finished.

“But how do I fix it? How do I fix the thing I messed up so badly?” He asked.

Ned looked at Peter in disbelief. He knew Peter was a genius, but really? How did this man not see it?

“How do you fix it? Peter, I don’t see what you don’t get. I practically just gave you the answer,” Peter looked at Ned expectingly, causing Ned to roll his eyes. “Apologize to her. Genuinely apologize and whatever happens, happens”

“How do I do that?”

“You’ll come up with something, trust me. Just give it time.”

[july-19th-club]

every time i have a really bad bout of insommnia i realize all over again that im not going to be able to trust my ability to sleep for a very long time...the last time i had even a little bit of trouble sleeping was months and months ago, and i was still able to nod off before 1:30am and get a more or less full night's rest. now it's 2:16am, i've got that fluttery feeling of unrest in my chest that i haven't felt, not really, since last summer, and there are so many things in my mind that i feel like i have to take care of that i just can't relax. i nodded off for about an hour and woke up just before 2am and felt immediately a) sick to my stomach b) the sure and certain knowledge that it might be the most sleep i got at ALL tonight and just the thought of that brought me right back to wide awake. maybe it was something i ate today maybe it was the myriad of things that have gone weird this week - have to finish paperwork for my job for fundraising and the boss wants it (very literally) yesterday, so of course my ability to satisfy what he wants has to be hampered by sleeplessness and exhaustion; i've got a fun family gathering all weekend at an amusement park that i've decided to actually go to this year despite ducking out on the three previous years for work reasons and covid reasons and all very good reasons but now i'm going and good lord i'm terrified of getting sick because i'm just too stupid to stay home. and i fucked up and got the weeks wrong for my most recent therapy appointment and i haven't heard back from her when i texted her to ask what the actual date was so i'm just. starting to think she's dropped me unceremoniously and i'll never hear from her again and it's my fault because i should've been more on the ball to begin with. and who i WANT to talk to about all this is the therapist but. well. ive screwed up somehow and i'm terrified to reach out again because what if that just pisses her off? surely this is not the right way to think about that situation but i need her to tell me what the right way IS. and well you can see my conundrum. anyway it's now edging in on 2:30 and the only thing i can think to do is work on my fundraising paperwork now, at 2am, so that if i call off sick tomorrow on account of no sleep and, probably, impending actual sickness because why else would i not be able to sleep? the last time i had this much trouble i was actually sick, like with a flu, so . anyway if i work on the paperwork NOW then i can send it in tomorrow from home and at least i will not be a complete failure of an employee. fuck my stupid baka life

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JANUARY 31, 1991 God, I am so tired. I fell asleep at 9:00 and sure enough, I woke up at 1:00 after sleeping 4 hours. I woke up sneezing and blowing my nose. My lungs don’t feel bad and I’d rather wake up to sneeze and blow my nose rather than coughing and wheezing.

Andy came over saying he thinks he may be catching a cold and I hope that doesn’t worsen mine cuz you know how weak my immune system is.

I need to try to quit smoking again soon and also go see Dr. McGovern. I need more Theodur and I guess I’ll also discuss allergy shots. I wish I could do the natural cure by quitting smoking permanently!

Russ called tonight sounding sincere again saying he’d really like to resolve our dispute. I told him once again that if he’s willing to drop it, I’ll drop it and that I surely do not plan to live here forever. I also told him that for the last 3 days, it hasn’t been bad in here cuz it’s been a little warmer outside, but as soon as it gets bitter cold out, it gets cold in here. I reminded him again that I, and the other tenants, wouldn’t complain for no reason and hopefully it sank in this time and he’ll give up on his spite tricks. But as long as he’s gonna push the eviction, I’m gonna push small claims court. If anything, he owes me money that I’ve paid for the heat that was supposed to be included in my rent that I never got.

Boy, is it ever windy out now. It sounds like someone’s screaming.

I really do need to try and go back to sleep, so first I’ll make coffee, smoke a butt, listen to a little music, and then I should be more than ready.

Tomorrow I’ve got to go to Food Fart.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 30, 1991 Andy better hurry up. His show starts at 1:00. If he’s not here, I’ll record it. He’s supposedly coming over with

Later…

I was interrupted before cuz the phone rang and two seconds before Andy’s show came on he walked in. His show wasn’t on anyway cuz of the Gulf War update. He was pissed and I don’t blame him cuz that’s what the news hour is for. They shouldn’t keep interrupting the shows. News belongs on the news.

He’ll be here for 6 hours editing his tapes.

I got a call from Martha and I am going to see her later at 4:00.

Later…

I’m glad I went to therapy after all. I got a lot of shit off my chest. We basically discussed how I view myself and how others view me. I told her how and why I thought I was a quality person who may appear goofy and playful but is mature and good at knowing other people’s characters. We talked about how there are many types of people that I dislike, but I still understand why they’re the way they are.

I also discussed how I get the types that are loud, obnoxious and desperate or the geeky shy types that can’t speak for themselves and aren’t firm enough when they need to be. I told her I need someone more outspoken and loving and understanding, yet as rough and as tough as they need to be.

My sister called. I told her if worse came to worse she could check out apartments for me.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 29, 1991 Yesterday I woke up feeling like shit. I was really congested. I took my asthma pill and some Dimetapp and Brenda gave me some Anthramycin which is an antibiotic. As long as I eat a little before taking it, it doesn’t play with my stomach.

Yesterday I woke up at 7:30am. Today I woke up at 6am. Nice, huh? Now wait till I have to perform this Friday night. But my point is that even though I woke up with a coughing fit after I’d slept 4 hours like I usually do, I woke up later feeling great! The antibiotic really helped with my congestion. I haven’t sneezed yet and haven’t blown my nose 5,000 times.

I’ve had half a cigarette though and I’m gonna do the 2-3 a day thing rather than 5-6 to really lower my nicotine level and try quitting again. Kim offered me 5 bucks a day if I quit. That does make it more encouraging, besides the idea of being able to breathe and sing without clearing my throat or sneezing.

Speaking of my voice, God is it really developing! I’m really getting to be quite a good singer. It gets more and more brilliant and vibrant.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 1991 Russ came over yesterday before noon. He asked me to write down every time it got cold and what the temperature was after putting a thermometer in each room.

He told me he was prepared for the judge to allow me to stay until October but that he hoped it wouldn’t come down to court. There’s nothing solid or valid he could do or say in court, and I told him I would move when I’m ready to move.

Tomorrow, I’m going to call legal aid.

Later…

I was over at Brenda and Bonny’s place and I played them the edits I made early this morning. They’re not bad. I gave Bonny this T-shirt she liked and she gave me a denim mini-skirt. She also gave me little bulletin boards in the shape of the letters L and R. L and R can stand for Linda Ronstadt.

Kim will be here any moment for a sign language lesson.

Lisa, the girl I met at the Pub said she’s home all the time. Well, she must have her ringer off if she did give me the right number cuz I tried 4 times and there’s no answer. She’ll have to call me.

I’m starting to get a little tired. I hope Bill’s not here too long. Also, Andy needs to bring over my videotape along with his so I can record his show.

Later…

I’ve had a great day today. Bonny and I have gotten to be pretty good friends. “It’s better than fighting,” like she said.

Andy and I had a nice visit although the woman he’s renting from is really treating him like shit. He’s moving back in with his parents by Valentine’s Day.

Bill, Andy and I had a nice talk, and I played them my new edition of the edits.

I’m beat cuz I’ve been up since 2am, so I should sleep quite well. I just hope that none of these fucking street animals wake me up.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 26, 1991 Andy and I performed tonight. Neither of us won, but it was fun just the same. The audience and the judges didn’t dislike us, but we both felt we were nothing special and could’ve been better.

It amazes me how many people I know. People came up to me before the show and talked to me that I didn’t even know that knew me from previous shows. This one guy remembered when I signed and said that was “fierce.” I saw tons of people I knew who complimented me after the show and I was also complimented by people I didn’t know. Raven was there along with Emie, Loopie, Candy, Jasmine, Miles, W.C., Scott, Rachel, Dedra and at least 20 or more other people I know.

I met this incredibly feminine girl named Lisa who gave me her number if it’s the right one. I wasn’t too impressed with her hair which was short on top and spiked with a long tail in the back. Her body and her face were beautiful, though. She’s not bi either, she’s just gay.

Last year, though, I would really be into her and meeting others. I used to be so eager. Now my heart’s just not in it like it used to be. There’s still a great part of me saying, “All I want now is to be alone and I’m not even quite ready yet for a one-night stand.”

I saw 3 other girls who were even more gorgeous, and yes, I would do a one-nighter with them right away (one at a time, of course). One was straight, as usual. The other 2 were a couple, also as usual. They were so feminine, though, and each one had such nice long dark hair.

Also, I chatted with the cops.

Later…

I broke down in tears thinking about this shit with Russ and finally said to myself that I was going to put an end to this either the easy way or the hard way. So I called Russ and asked to speak to him. He said sure and sounded very friendly and sincere. I figured he’d more or less have nothing to say to me.

Anyway, I said to him, “How can you be so cruel and vindictive when you never were before? You’ve done me favors such as not having me pay last month’s rent and got me movers. So why are you so eager to see me out on the streets when you know I have nothing, no money, no family and nowhere to go? I have never hurt anyone or anything and I don’t know what you can say in court or if this is a tax-related thing or what. You even said so yourself that it would get cold in here when it got bitter cold outside and you know there have been several other tenants complaining. If you’d stop putting temperature recorders in here that say it’s a temperature it’s not, then I’ll forget about taking legal action if you’re willing to drop this and turn up the heat.”

He sounded friendly, as I said, and said he’d like to stop up and see me sometime before noon. I’ve no idea what he’s planning, but I’ll write about it once I know.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 25, 1991 Shadow’s climbing all over me. I swear this cat is so affectionate and loving. He follows me everywhere. I should’ve named him Glue instead. Earlier I was running around the living room with him. We have several games we play.

I spoke to Andy a little while ago for the second time. I told him I’d record his show for him on one of my tapes.

The reason I’ve been sleeping during the day, which of course is never hard to do, is cuz as I mentioned before, Andy and I are performing at the Pub a noche.

Andy told me another bizarre thing. First, let me back up and mention Angie. I don’t think I did mention her. A while back, not even a month ago, we went to the Pub and I eyed this girl, she seemed prettier than usual and had Andy speak to her for me. When he came back to where I was sitting he said she was a rude bitch. He said she said, “Well, after I dump this asshole I’ll think about it.”

She was with another girl. Angie was totally smashed and the next part of the story will tell you so.

As Andy and I were leaving at closing time, we walked by Angie and her girlfriend and Andy goes, “Now, here’s the better-looking girl,” and she saw me and insisted I come back to the bar. She hadn’t seen what I looked like till then.

Now here’s the sad but typical part. Especially for a bar person and a fairly good-looking one. She screamed out so the whole bar could hear, “Will you lick my pussy?” Then she did the usual trick people do and gave me the wrong phone number.

What’s bizarre is that Andy was cutting through this Laundromat to his mother’s store that I’ve been to before, and it turns out Angie works there. That Laundromat is a dump. I used to go there when I lived on Oswego St.

He said he said her name to be sure and she said, “Yeah, I’m Angie. How’d you know?”

Then Andy told her, “You don’t want to know.” Andy said she had no makeup on and looked tired.

He also said that maybe God sent him to walk through there to find out where she works so I can take it from there.

I definitely don’t want a relationship nowadays with even the right person. I just wanna have fun here and there, but not with just anyone. Right now what’s most important to me and mainly on my mind is having what I’ve never had in my entire 25 years of life. Sex with someone I’m really sexually attracted to and turned on by if only for a night. I’d rather have a few one-nighters here and there even if it’s only 5 a year with someone I’m attracted to, rather than get serious with someone who doesn’t really matter.

Later…

I went through all my journals and I’ve kept journals for 3 years and 3 months now. I went through each one and wrote the entry dates on the covers. I guess that’s gonna be my new thing. I’ve written 360 days of the 3 years and 3 months’ time. On the cover of each book I wrote the month and then each day of that month that I wrote.

I think I’m gonna go lay down. It’s fucking freezing in here! That little fuck of a bastard landlord of mine. Boy, do I ever want to hound the shit out of him!

Later…

The housing people are coming on Monday and I called Mom who was being her usual bitchy self and asked if she’s heard from him, which I doubted, and she hasn’t. This shit Russ is pulling is definitely tax-related as well as to raise the rent when I’m gone. But I’m gonna be here for a while, and if Russ keeps this shit up, it’s gonna cost him more money than a profit.

A few years ago when Nellie and José pulled their crap on me by ripping me off, I brought up charges and was able to drop them over the phone after being paid back by Nellie. Well, I just tried that by calling the courthouse saying I was Jenny and it didn’t work but all is still well cuz I’m not going to court.

I will not give Jenny the satisfaction of showing up for a lousy slew of prank phone calls. Jenny got exactly what she deserved and I know lots of other people have done the same.

I haven’t heard from John R since he got fired from Mercy Hospital.

I tried calling the Laundromat where Angie works and no one’s there now but this retard janitor. Guess they don’t open till 10:00. I’ll try again soon.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 24, 1991 When I finally fell asleep I’d been up for 20 hours. I awoke at 8:30 this morning. I’m surprised I didn’t sleep longer since I couldn’t fall asleep till 4:00 this afternoon.

I called Community Care and left a message for Martha saying I wouldn’t be back. I figure how am I ever going to learn how to suppress my feelings and be independent if I continue therapy? Yes I know I’m already what most people would call mega-independent for a girl my age especially. All except for my source of income. I’m not gonna get into my income except to say yes, I’d much rather earn it by singing and someday I will but for now, I do not feel guilty. The state owes me. They fucked me over. And over. And over.

Although I’ve known all my life that being a famous singer was destined, I also knew it wouldn’t come young. I figured I’d be between the ages of 30-32. I knew it’d be fast once it all started. That may be why it’s not coming till 30-32 rather than now.

Also, I knew that the Gods had lots of learning experiences for me and survival tests lined up for me and boy have I now had 5 lifetimes of that! However, I am grateful to have learned some of the things I’ve learned. What you don’t know can hurt you or severely frustrate you or raise false hopes for you.

I am surprised Andy and Fran haven’t tried calling. Also, there was no message on the machine from Brenda.

Later…

I am going to try to stay up till 9:00 when the Western Mass legal aid office opens. I need to speak to a legal intern who’s got some advice for me. I don’t know if I wrote about it yet, but Russ is being a prick by trying to evict me. I know it’s cuz I’ve been demanding the heat that I pay for in my rent that I haven’t gotten along with several other tenants. This may also be for tax purposes or to get people out so he can raise the rent. My parents and Tammy are pissed at him and Dad referred me to Legal Aid. The little fuck, though, wouldn’t speak to me or Tammy and never called Dad back. He refuses to give me a reason while he told Andy it was cuz I didn’t like the neighborhood so I can move out. I was in the ER at the time so he handed the notice to Andy.

I went down to the housing court and the woman there said that cuz I pay on the 1st, he can’t evict me till February 9th. He gave me a 30-day notice on January 9th, but by law, the little fuck can’t do shit till March 1st. Hopefully, Russ will hurry up and take me to court so I can sue him there and try and get rent back payments for the months I froze my ass off. That’s probably what that Wendy at Legal Aid will tell me to do. I mean, what the fuck does this prick expect to say or do in court other than make a spectacle out of himself. Steve says the jackass will drop it. Bullshit. I know how people are. When they start trouble they start trouble but this little fuck obviously doesn’t realize he’s fucking with the wrong girl.

Same with Jenny C. Court on March 6th! HA! Jenny got exactly what she deserved, so she’s going to have to enjoy going to court herself cuz I sure as hell won’t be there.

Later…

Me and Andy are performing at the Pub this Friday night. He’s gonna do If I Were You by Stevie Nicks and I’m gonna do Words Get in the Way by Gloria.

Speaking of Gloria, she’s got a new album due to come out in 5 days. I hope there are some songs in Spanish on it. I wish I could’ve gotten that album with a lot of her songs in Spanish on it including Words Get in the Way (No Me Vuelvo a Enamorar). It would be better to do the Spanish version for the contest. I’ll need to order that album.

Brenda gave me 2 ciggies so now that’ll make 7. I’m really gonna pay for this. God, please don’t let me have a bad attack till I can once again get up the will to try and quit again.

Ok, time to move me, my coffee and my phone to the bedroom where I’m nice and comfortable.

Later…

I woke up feeling fairly good. I slept with my humidifier on.

Little fuck Fran’s up to his shit again. I woke up to a message from his neighbor Debbie accusing me of saying I’m gonna hurt her 2-year-old daughter and that Fran got a call from DES. I then had to explain to her how long I’ve known Fran and how little she knew him and that she had quite a bit to learn. This poor girl was terrified and I assured her no threats were made. Fran got her all worked up and it’s obviously a rejection issue or the fact that Fran had a horrendously lousy day. Debbie said I sounded sincere and I told her not to worry about Fran’s BS and not to let it get to her. I also told her to tell Fran that not only is he not welcome here anymore, but he’s not welcome to call me either. Between the shit Fran pulled with my mother along with other stuff and now this, that’s the final straw and I don’t need him.

Andy left a message about returning the videotape of his so I can record his soap. I called over where he lives and Gail says he’s not there. I also called over at Brenda’s, assuming he’d be there, but there was no answer.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23, 1991 I have therapy today yet I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get there. I slept till almost 8:00 last night.

Andy came over last night and once again things are fairly good between us now that we’re not living together. See, when you have a fight with someone over the phone, you can just hang up on them. It’s not that simple when you’re living with someone.

Since Sunday I’ve been having 2-3 cigarettes a day and it’s catching up to me so I’ve got to be careful again. My back pain’s back and I’m waking up coughing again.

MONDAY, JANUARY 21, 1991 Yesterday my niece Lisa turned 8.

The day before yesterday I had about 4 cigarettes. I was terrified to go to bed thinking I’d wake up with a wicked bad attack, but I woke up fine. In fact, I feel better than I have in a long time. My nose and lungs are clearer and I’m not tight in the chest and there’s no back pain. Today I’ve had only one, but I could really go for one now.

Later…

Right after I last wrote, Jimmy gave me a cigarette which was my second. I fell asleep at 9:00 this morning figuring it’d be easy to get up at 1pm cuz I’d slept so many hours the day before. How wrong I was. I was dead tired. I didn’t get up until a few minutes before 4:00 when Bill rang the buzzer. I remained tired ever since but at least I got my grocery shopping done. I want to do more laundry tonight but I’m too beat. Last night I did two loads from around 12:30-2:30 AM. It was quite convenient as I’m a night person and knowing no one would be using the machines.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 1991 Sure enough, I fucking woke up hacking my brains out about an hour ago. I had fallen asleep right after I last wrote. I definitely have a cold. No doubt about it as I can really feel it now.

Andy said that even when I feel I’ve kicked the smoking habit, I’ll still have urges. Of course, I know I will every so often and Andy’s been supportive but I think he’s starting to get jealous somewhat. God knows he’s very capable of that too, as I’ve seen him display jealousy before. It’s ok to feel a little jealous of someone now and then but it depends on how you handle that jealousy. Andy has quit before for 10 days two different times. Depending on the situation, I sometimes will look at a glass of water as being either half full or half empty. Andy will always see it as half empty.

Well, the street animals are out playing musical horns as usual.

Thank fucking God Andy will be here in less than 12 hours!

Later…

I wish to hell I could go back to sleep for a while. I have a lot of shit I need to do today and I want to sleep tomorrow night to be awake for Sunday’s voice lesson.

I started to get really pissed off with my urge to smoke. Even though they’re not intense, they’re still pretty frequent and I know it’ll be this way forever. The thought of always craving a cigarette pissed me off to the point where I held one and stared at it. I told myself if I smoked it, I’d have a severe attack which is true. I told myself I didn’t want to ever have to go to the ER again and be within inches of death 24 hours a day and in so much constant pain that I WISHED I were dead. I also thought of my singing. Yes, craving one is a better way of suffering, but it’s going to suck just the same. Since I do not drink or do drugs, it’s hard not having something of some kind to do, and watching others smoke.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 18, 1991 If I’m such a cruel nasty bitch who has so many bad points and not too much good, as people like to tell me, then why do people bother with me? Why not go find someone like themselves? I’m sorry but I just don’t feel guilty or selfish cuz I want to live alone. Or be myself.

I haven’t talked with Steve or Jessie for the longest time. I’m not good enough for them. That’s how I feel. I can’t help but always feel that with everyone even though I know I have good qualities. If I dump all my friends I won’t have to worry about communication and being misunderstood. Or feeling like I’m not good enough or a burden to them. People can be so contradicting, too. They play with my head. I’ll say something in which they’ll say they agree with 100%, then the next day they’ll use it against me and play me for a fool. Like, “How dare you say that Jodi!” But yesterday they agreed with and fully understood what I said. I’m no longer gonna be made to feel ashamed, foolish or guilty about the way I feel about things. The way I feel is the way I feel and who and what I am is who and what I am. Not what others want me to be, say, act or feel.

Later…

The little wimpett is going to start moving today and be out by tomorrow. I’m counting down the minutes.

Another reason I haven’t spoken to Steve is, that I’m tired of the “Andy said” bullshit. It puts me on the spot when I’m all of a sudden hit with something Andy said. Then I have to defend myself and explain something he made up or twisted around to make them dislike me or misunderstand me. He loves to turn people against me and he’s dropped plenty of hints that he’s had some pretty long and heavy-duty talks with his friend Adam concerning me. With many others, too. If you typed up all he’s ever said to people about me, he’d have a 3” thick book. Of course, in the long run, as far as Andy thinks, he’s 95% right and I’m 95% wrong.

Later…

Tomorrow Mr. Melodramatic is out of here. Thank fucking God! I can’t wait to have this place back to myself. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here but God only knows I’m counting down the minutes till Mr. Antic is out of here.

It shocks the shit out of me to say that as of 1am tonight, it’ll be 5 days, going on 6, since I last smoked. Amazing, huh? Not that I’m not getting urges here and there. I am. But the urges are very brief and 5 days is fantastic seeing that the longest I’ve ever made it before was just a tad over 2 days. My back pain is gone. And I am no longer so severely short of breath. I’m still a little tight in the chest, though, and a little wheezy and still coughing and sneezing some. Besides having bad withdrawal I also have a cold. The cold is subsiding much quicker than it would’ve if I smoked still. It’ll be really nice to only have a cold for 4 days out of a year rather than 300 days out of a year.

Later…

Jesus, I’ve been up for 22 hours! When am I gonna fall asleep? I think part of it is cuz I’m so psyched for Andy to get the fuck out tomorrow morning. Wait till the people he rents from finds out he doesn’t do chores and he breaks things. Or tries to when he isn’t getting his way. Wait till he himself finds out our friendship is over.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17, 1991 Well, in an hour I’ll have gone 72 hours without smoking. The reality of it all still hasn’t quite hit me, but everything’s gone just as I predicted. Just like with the Navane and other things I’ve predicted how, why and when they’d happen. Some predictions, for example, with the Navane and smoking I predicted 3 or 4 years before it happened. Before I quit, I mean. I could see how it was gonna happen too, and why.

Later…

Am I ever psyched for Andy to get the hell out! He’s supposed to move this Saturday to rent a room on Dickinson. Yeah sure, but I’m like, get this wacko outa here! Andy never really was a true friend. Not in all ways, but in some ways. The reason I’m running around calling him a liar about this and that so much lately is cuz he’s done it so much to me. He can’t take his best friend’s word for anything so now he’s seeing how he likes it. Why would I, or any other 25-year-old need to lie? I’m not a child who has to fear punishment if the truth is told.

I cannot wait till he’s outa here and I will never ever let myself get into this situation again. I, of course, should’ve known better with a person like Andy. Or his type. Andy just freaks over anything and everything. I know plenty of other people who I have much less in common with but could live with them so much easier. However, I never will live with anyone again. That’s how I felt before Andy moved in so I sure as hell won’t change my mind about that now. He has lived here for almost a month.

Later…

The last sentence got cut off cuz Andy and I started talking. We also played the piano and sang. I still say, though, that yes he has a lot of good qualities, and yes we have a lot in common, but God he can be an asshole!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16, 1991 While I’m waiting for Martha I can tell you how well I woke up. It was 5am and fucking Andy asked me to wake him up at 7:00. I told him to set his alarm in case I fell asleep and I did. I then woke up briefly at 9am. The next thing I know, the little fuck is saying, “Hey! Hey! Don’t you have an appointment?”

It was 1:15 PM and my alarm had another 45 minutes to go. I wanted to kill him! Then the little fuck goes, “Thanks for waking me up.”

I told him it’s not my fucking responsibility to get him up. I also set his alarm and he said it didn’t work so he took his anger and frustration out on me by waking me up. Then the immature brat plays the answering machine messages back loudly, stomps his feet and sings at the top of his lungs. Is this guy ever going to grow up?

His favorite show had 20 more minutes to go when he left, and I had had it with his bullshit, so I stopped the VCR from recording.

He’s got two days to get the fuck out.

As for the good news and yes, believe it or not, there is good news. Very, very, very good news. I have not smoked since January 14th!!! No, I do not feel like I want one!!!!!

Later…

I let it all out in therapy today. About how despite the fact that there’s a lot of good in Andy, he’s also an immature, spiteful, selfish little boy who only will hear what he wants to hear. And how he’s got to either condemn or make someone miserable in some way when things in life aren’t going the way he wants.

He’s over crying on Brenda and Bonny’s shoulder now as he’s not man enough to face me. Like last night when he said how his mother said it was wrong for him to go to Brenda. I simply said, “Andy, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, believe what you want to believe, say what you want to say, and hear what you want to hear.”

He’s a wimp and even though he’s turned Brenda, Bonny and Steve against me, I know they’re really fed up with him crying on their shoulders and needing a babysitter. Of course, God help someone if they should be upset or sick and go cry on HIS shoulder.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 13, 1991 Well, I’m still feeling like shit, unfortunately. There’s no feeling worse than wanting to pick yourself up, be happy, be productive, but you just can’t. My asthma’s killing me and I’m still under mega-stress. Way more so than I’ve been in a long time. I mean, this has got to stop, but I feel helpless. Like I don’t know where to begin to help myself. It just isn’t always easy. I miss those days when I was productive non-stop and could physically bounce off the walls for endless hours. I was a dancer. Now I take two steps and my heart’s racing or I’m wheezing or both. I wanted to kill myself for getting so out of breath with only two bags of groceries to carry up. Two years ago I could’ve run up those stairs 20 times.

I still can’t stand having Andy here. Even if I lived with Brenda I’d go nuts, even though she’d be easier to live with cuz she’s more easygoing and calm compared to Andy.

Andy looked at a room on Mulberry St., but I’m afraid he’ll be here much longer than I can stand. Andy and I will remain friends, but I may move to CT since there’s nothing for me here and Andy and I will save money and then maybe move to PHX.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9, 1991 It started to snow a few hours ago so I was off by one day but that’s still close.

Right now I’m listening to Andy, Fran, Tracy and Raven make prank phone calls. Raven was in the lip sync contest and never won. She was a pitiful drag queen and literally froze on stage, but seems to be a nice person. Fran’s taken him in for a month till he gets a job. Well, like Tracy said, Fran’s good for taking people off the streets.

Last night was a hell of a night. I had a severe migraine and was crying for hours in bed till I finally threw up twice. Of course, Andy didn’t give a fuck and I knew it so I held it in and suppressed the urge to scream out. I needed someone so badly last night. Well, I had to puke instead cuz Andy would’ve freaked if I woke him up. Plus, he’d rather make me feel worse than better. I get shit on whether I speak positive or negative about myself. The guy who’s supposed to be my best friend’s busy turning my friends against me and constantly talking shit to Brenda, Bonny, Steve, you name it. He said, both to me and others, more negative shit about me than positive.

I’ll write more later since all I have to talk to is this book unless I hold it in till I puke. But puking is better than trashing things, though I can’t believe I didn’t. Reaching out to people and communicating with them only gets me in trouble and misunderstood so I’d rather puke and lose weight.

MONDAY, JANUARY 7, 1991 Well, it didn’t snow today like I felt it would, but they say it may snow Wednesday.

I met this really nice nurse named Kim at Baystate ER. She’s super nice, open-minded, and the type you feel you’ve known for years the second you meet her.

She was on her way home when I was standing outside the ER entrance when I saw The Joy of Signing book in her hand and we took it from there. It turns out that we have a lot in common and I’m giving her sign language lessons. We’ve met 3 times so far and today she took me to Valley’s for baked stuffed shrimp in exchange for me to teach her sign language. However, she really is doing me a favor too, by giving me a chance to use my sign language and to keep on top of it.

Later…

From now on I must learn to be my own therapist. I shall try to discuss as much as I can about my feelings with myself or write them in this book. I always admired myself for being able to speak my mind but now I find it’s better to keep my mouth shut most of the time. Communication only starts fights and arguments. People often misunderstand the things I say and do and take me the wrong way so what’s the use? I’m gonna just start going along with as much as I can except for things like sex with an ugly woman or a man. I want to learn to talk less and be able to cheer my own self up when I’m depressed or sick as independently as I can.

I’m really proud of myself for last night. I had a massive asthma attack and I was terrified. I mean fucking terrified. I was crying tears like a leaky faucet, but I didn’t wimp out to anyone. I was about to dial 911 and say, “Look, it’s been hours that I’ve been trying to fight this off and I just can’t.” Yet even after being told at the ER what a risk it is to your heart and in other ways, I beat it on my own.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 5, 1991 I just took some decongestant medicine Brenda gave me and I'm so drowsy now.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 1, 1991 Age 25

New Year’s Eve sucked. First of all, Jimmy, downstairs, and I made a big mistake of picking up Fran and bringing him over. Fran embarrassed the shit out of Jimmy who had Mike and Lisa over. Mike and Lisa live next door in #11. Jimmy’s in #10 directly below me. He’s getting evicted which sucks. He turned out to be an ok neighbor. With my luck, some jackass will move in who’s the type that’ll freak if I have the stereo on the lowest volume.

Fran was drunk off his ass. He couldn’t stop playing with my hair, slapping me and Andy on our heads and he fucking raided the kitchen as if he hasn’t eaten in years. He’s not ever again coming over here.

Tracy was over tonight. She lost a lot of weight.

Andy and I had a huge fight and we shoved each other. Much later when we were calm we laughed about it, admitting we were glad we shoved each other to get our frustrations out.

I really do hate having a roommate and I explained to him that it’s gonna take some serious getting used to and adjusting. I’ve been alone so long and I do prefer it that way. 3 years or so ago I’d have jumped at the thought of having a roommate, but as I’ve gotten older, my desires have changed. Just like I really don’t care to be with a woman or to have a baby anymore. I do want to very occasionally have casual sex, but not with just anyone. I really wish someday I could have one night, just one night, with a woman I’m attracted to and I feel that spark with, rather than a woman who’s just ok. I know it won’t happen, though, and I accepted that a long time ago. Well, like I always said, better to fantasize about first best, rather than to settle for second best. Another reason that’s better about fantasy is that if the relationship is getting rocky, you can simply click it off and out of your mind. You certainly can’t do this in a real-life relationship.

[priscila-runs]

Week 5 of 20 complete! Here’s my diary of what I tracked, thought, and learned during my fifth week of training:

Did the math last week on food and realized that I must fuel more 🍕! If, per my various online sources, a runner should eat 20-24 calories per pound of body weight for every 1-2 hours of training, then I need to be eating around 2200-2500 calories a day. Since I’m eating about 1200 a day right now, my belly will be glad to know lots more company will be joining her in the coming months. Pasta, black beans, brown rice, sweet potatoes, lentils, bananas and yogurt are currently on the VIP list. Dreading the poop schedule adjustments but let’s cross that bridge when we get there, shall we? Daily log:

Monday: took the day off per my new schedule. Been reading Freud lately which gives me lots to think about while running. What a fascinating and (perhaps unfairly) misunderstood guy. Salmon, asparagus, brown rice for dinner!

Tuesday: FIRED UP. Banana beforehand. Five miles to start off the week. Yogurt after a solid 8:20s pace.

Wednesday: Felt a little more tired and groggy in the morning but managed four miles at 8:teens pace. I’m snacking a lot since it’s an easy and quick way to fill the fuel tank or whatever. Dinner was lots of pasta, broccoli, bell peppers, chicken. Yogurt and granola for dessert.

Thursday: Exhausted and woke up late (5:25AM) and antagonistic so I’ll apologize later, feeling bad about it now. Anyway, doing my hair takes a while and this morning it led to me getting caught up in conversation. My boyfriend told me that Freud says women are culturally stunted. I find that very interesting and even intuitive so I don’t disagree, but is it possible that men are stunted in culture, caught up in it and its materiality and that while women are dialectically attached to society, women experience and therefore feel beyond culture? Idk. I wrote about the conservative nature of women in domestic roles and the relationship of this dynamic to Texas society. Maybe Freud and I could have written something together in another life. Anyway, these conversations w/bae in the morning completely make my day 🥰 Went out the door by 6:30AM and came back by 7:30AM. It was a 2x2 mile tempo 🥵

Friday: Lunchtime run of three miles at 8:20 pace. It was a good run and I was able to sustain pace! Tonight my friend Sarah and I are going out to dinner and then a DJ dance party afterwards.

Saturday: wow came home at 2AM after one cocktail, three Modelos, and lots of dancing. I paid for it today with a three miles at ten minute pace 💀💀💀 but I had a complete blast last night so it was worth it 🪩 Did ten minutes of HIT and added stability stretches to do at the end of every run, but first I’m going to pilot them tonight before bed. Long run tomorrow. For the rest of today I’m going to hydrate constantly, eat a lot (healthy), and then to head to bed very early tonight. I know these efforts today will pay off tomorrow.

Sunday: 13 miles today! It felt fantastic. Woke up around 6AM and had a bagel w peanut butter and drank a glass of water and coffee. By 8AM I headed out with sunscreen lathered and my UCan gels strapped. At mile 7 I had to stop by a convenience store for a water bottle—investing in something collapsible will be crucial otherwise I’ll be lugging around a weight once I’m done hydrating. Next time I’ll take my gel at 40-45min instead of 1hour. By some accounts it’s important to gel before actually needing it. I’m out of packets so I’m debating trying a new kind or going with the same brand as they seem to be working fine. Form and cadence are essential!!!!! Improving these and also focusing on them during my runs has made the most difference for my speed and endurance. Since I need strong abs, arms, and legs for good form and cadence, strength training will be a big priority for me entering week 6.

Practicing mindfulness.

[silverandebony]

That moment when you can't got to bed for over an hour not because you need to do anything major, oh no, but rather because you need to move your laptop and a bowl from your bed to the floor.

[lexosaurus]

sorry bae i can’t come over for the coitus i need to write a ghost hunger fic

[50-percent-winchester-sister]

Just Get Out

Prompt: After John dies, Dean and Sam take it upon themselves to look after you, but...

Dean: 18

Sam: 14

Y/N: 7

Word Count: 2,030

   It's just been a month since your dad, John Winchester died, and all you have left family wise are your older brothers Sam and Dean. You didn't know what death really meant since you are so young, but your brothers knew, and they knew too well. Since you were seven your dad didn't really let you in on what he and your brothers did, all you know is that you and sometimes Sam get left at a motel for a while and they come back bloody and bruised. So when John died, Sam and Dean don't really talk as much as they used to, but for you, they really do try.

  What you did know is how to practically annoy the hell out of them...well...sometimes. You are mostly a good kid according to Sam, who decided to take on the 'motherly' role, and Dean the 'fatherly' role. When Dean turned 18, he decided on his own to drop out of high school, but you and Sam are still in school, and Sam plans to keep it that way.

  Okay now onto the story

  Its 7:36pm, Sam went to the library for homework, so tonight is just you and Dean. You and Dean are in the kitchen and hes making dinner while you sit on the kitchen table. "Alright Y/N, we don't got much tonight, so I'm making mac and cheese...the good kind, not the kind Sam makes," Dean says with a tiny smirk.

  "But De, I don't want macky cheese, I want chicken!" You say with a small but excited voice. Dean turns back to you, frowns and says "Y/N, we dont have chicken, this is all we got until Sam goes to the store."

  "Wait what!?!?! But De I want chicken now!!" you say filled with whine and a little bit of sass. 'geez I really don't want to deal with this right now,' Dean thinks to himself "Y/N please, just reason with me tonight, I'll make Sam go to the store tomorrow," He says sounding defeated. Oh but hell no, in your tiny seven year old brain, you knew what you had to do

Step 1: Be quiet and wait like a good sister

Step 2: Once De is done and sets food in front of you

Step 3: PUSH IT OFF ON THE FLOOR

Step 4: Wait hold on-

Step 5: Why does De look like hes about to ye-

  "Fucking hell, really Y/N!? You cant be fucking serious, what the hell was that for?" Dean yells at you. "De I said I wanted-" But he cut you off and said "I JUST TOLD YOU THIS IS ALL WE GOT" He says louder than his first statement. Now your'e shaken, but you know it takes more to make you cry.

  "I don't care! I don't want macky cheese De!"

  "Y/N, just get out"

...This is the calmest hes been all week

  "Wha-"

  "JUST GET THE HELL OUT" Dean practically screams.

  Okay now that there is starting to make you cry

  You quickly get off of the kitchen chair and you bolt to the stairs where all the bedrooms are. But of course you have to turn around and yell

  "I WISH DAD WAS HERE, HE WOULD GET REAL MAD IF YOU YELLED AT ME!" and then you run up the stairs and slam your door shut, locking it in the process. _______________________________________

  'Great that's just fuckin' perfect,' Dean thinks to himself. 'What the hell am I supposed to tell Sammy? Oh yeah, I screamed at Y/N because she wouldn't comply, and now foods all over the floor and I think I'm having a meltdown!'

  'Sometimes I wish I never came here!' you think to yourself, pretty much sobbing while laying down on your bed. 'wouldn't be surprised if he didn't want me here too-."

  You fall asleep shortly after the thought and Dean couldn't be any more relieved when he hears the door open and to see Sam with his backpack in one arm and a couple books in the other hand.

  "Hey whats-...what happened?" Sam says slowly putting his backpack on the floor. Sam staring at Dean and all the food that's on the floor around him "oh, haha, this? oh, its nothing Sam, just a minor fuckin' mishap!" Dean says laughing through each word with eyes that look like hes about to sob any minute.

  "....Dean?" Sam asks. Its been a while since there was major conflict... well since the whole situation with Dad anyways. "Was it Y/N?"

  "What? No of course not, this is just a normal Friday fuckin night....yeah just, don't worry 'bout it" Dean says with his voice dying down a little bit.

  "Should I go talk to her?" Sam asks. such a small voice but its filled with a lot of concern.

  "No, she's asleep...maybe later?" Dean says back to him. 'He seems tired' Sam thinks to himself. 'Well I did leave her here with him...' _______________________________________

  You wake up pretty early... well early for you anyways, its 9:30am and you got woken up to puffy red eyes and really messed up hair. You go ahead and leave your bedroom and when you enter the kitchen you get greeted by Sam, who is making breakfast.

  "Morning sunshine," Sam says with a slight happy tone, but still pretty monotone. 'he's trying, that's a good thing' you think to yourself.

  "Morning..." you say back, rubbing your eyes and climbing up onto the chair near the kitchen table. "So...wheres De?" you ask in a sleepy tone. "He's more or less still asleep" Sam replies. Sure enough right when Sam says that, Dean walks in all sleepy-like too. 'so similar' Sam thinks. "Morning to you too sunshine" Sam says with a pretty wide grin afterwards. "Bite me, princess" Dean shoots back, also with a small smirk.

  You look at Dean, Dean looks at you, and a couple seconds later you two look away, but the stare you two gave felt like it was forever.

  "Hi" you managed to squeak out. Without meaning to, you were quiet and a little bit nervous.

  "Hey" Dean replies, but not looking at you, instead looking at the table, then to his hands, and then to Sam.

  "Hey Sammy, do you think dad had any hunts that he wrote down in his journal for us to do?" Dean asks. Looking around Dean finds your dads journal on the couch in the living room. He picks it up and skims through the pages.

  "I...don't know? Dad never talked to me personally about hunts, just you" Sam says as a matter-of-factly. Sam sets your breakfast down in front of you, and a plate for Dean on the other side of the table. "Why?" Sam asks.

  "Because I want to hunt? We haven't in a while and you know dad will tear us a new one if he sees us on our asses doing nothing," Dean proclaims, in a slight aggressive manner, though it was almost accidental.

  "But he's...not here," you say out loud without meaning to. You look up to see Sam and Dean both looking at you, and right then you look back down. While looking down you hear footsteps, and right when you look back up, you see Dean staring right at you. 'The eye contact is unbearable' you think to yourself

  "Just because hes dead, doesn't mean we can just fuck around and do nothing," Dean says with so much venom you begin to shake a little.

  "Dean. Back. Up." Sam says, looking at Dean with an angry look and his teeth practically glued together. Sam takes Deans shoulder and yanks him back, and he makes Dean bend down so he can whisper something into his ear.

  "I know you and Y/N have this personal issue going on right now, but I'll be damned if I ever hear you talk to her like that again, hear me?" Sam whispers, he lets go of Dean shoulder and looks at Dean. Dean looks back at him, looks at you, looks at Sam again, and nods, running his hand through his hair.

  "Good," Sam says quietly. Sam walks towards you and bends down, "When you're finished with your breakfast, head on up to your room, you're not in trouble, but I'll talk with you later, okay?" Sam tells you,

  "Okay" You say, looking at Sam. You finished your breakfast rather quickly. During that time, Dean went into his own room, and Sam went out into the backyard to do whatever he does, you're not really sure. You put your dirty plates into the sink and you fast walk to your room, and you quietly shut your door. _______________________________________

  Waiting.....sucks. You have no clue how long you waited for Sam but it felt like forever. In reality it was probably like thirty minutes, but thirty minutes to a seven year old is all day.

  You begin to space out when you hear a small knock on your door. You jump a bit because you didn't really expect it since you didn't know when Sam would come by.

  You get up off your bed and you begin to walk to your door when the door was already opening. you stop and look up

  "...Dean?" You ask. 'uh-oh' you think to yourself. You walk back a little bit and he sits down on your bedroom floor and holds his arms out for you to come sit in his lap. He hasn't said a word yet you heard exactly what he is wanting to ask.

  You look at him. He looks at you. Both have no clue what to say to each other.

  You slowly walk towards him, and you climb into his lap, both getting comfortable in the process

  It had to have been like five minutes before Dean starts talking. "I'm sorry" he says to you. Smiling, you start talking too. "Me too" you say and you look up to see Dean beginning to tear up.

  Okay now its time to panic

  Dean crying is something that you never see so...you begin to tear up too.

  "De? Are you okay?"

  "I wish Dad was here, He would get real mad at me if he saw the way I was acting" Dean says. "Wouldn't be surprised if he beat my ass, just because I'm eighteen, doesn't mean shit to him" he says with a small laugh after the comment.

  "Well I think you're doing a good job" You say to him quietly, but loud enough for him to hear. "Just because you're eighteen, doesn't mean you aren't bad at being a brother, neither is Sam" You add.

  Dean, trying not to just sob in front of you, breaths in and breaths out a couple of times.

  "You're seven, when did you become so smart?" Dean asks hugging you rather tightly

  You giggle at his comment and say, "I'm your sister, I had to have learned something from you."

  "Good answer" Dean says.

  Without knowing, Sam is leaning on the door frame, with his arms crossed looking at you and Dean with the biggest smile ever. "Hey," Sam says and makes both you and Dean jump slightly, Sam giggles and that and continues,

  "The garage called, they want you to come in and help fix a 67' Mustang," Sam says.

  "Oh whaaat," you whine. you begin to get off of Dean so he can go to his job when he quickly snatches you back up, gets up off of the ground and throws you over his shoulders.

  "How do you feel about coming with me? Who knows maybe-"

  "Will Seth be there?" You ask excitedly. (For some backstory, John's long time friend Seth works where Dean works, and ever since you met Seth, you've practically 'fallen in love' with him)

  "More than likely, he likes old cars like we do," Dean replies. "Yes! okay come on, lets go, come on, come on, come on" You say, trying to hurry up Dean,

  "Okay, okay, lets go" Dean laughs while replying. You two leave the room, and Sam closes your door. Again, with a big smile on his face, Sam starts thinking to himself, 'Yeah, everything will be okay'

[never-not-ever]

It’s 8:30am and I was supposed to fall back asleep an hour and a half ago. For the past couple of days my routine has been: come home from work around midnight, watch some tv, eat some food, fall asleep around 2 (last night was 3 😒), wake up around 5:30ish and drive my girlfriend to work, come home and go back to bed til 12/12:30pm, get ready for work and leave by 2 cause traffic is horrendous and can easily change from 30 minutes to over an hour in the span of a few minutes.

But for some reason I cannot fall back asleep right now. And I just know that by the time I do fall asleep my alarm is going to go off and I’m going to feel more tired than I do now but I literally have gotten like 2 hours of sleep right now and I can’t go to work later running off if 2 hours of sleep that I got 12 hours prior 🙃 my god this is just run on after run on 😂.

So I’ve started and deleted so many posts since it’s happened.. literally the other night I was sitting on a 1:1 (still have that post in my drafts cause I forgot to actually post it) and all these memories of when I was a patient on a 1:1 for 5 days came flooding back. The other night I was so scared because this patient had two SA in the last week and I was worried they’d try something on my watch. Anyways I thought that night was hard but then the next day I had my first restraint..

And I was grateful that my first restraint wasn’t very psychiatric and like the ones my girlfriend has witnessed at her job. BUT I literally jinxed myself because the next day I had another restraint and this one was horrible. I felt horrible. I felt so bad for this patient and the things they were saying just kept repeating itself in my mind for the rest of the shift. Like I kept thinking “thank god I never had to be restrained as a patient because the whole being a patient on 1:1 and now a staff doing a 1:1 was hard but this would have been 10x harder if I had any history of restraints”.

I kept thinking how much it sucked that my therapist was/still is on vacation because my god has it been helpful having her during this part of my life going from the patient to the staff.

Another thing that’s really hard is hearing staff talking about borderline patients. Like I know they’re not being malicious, that they’ve been here a while and have seen a lot and know a lot but I’m so sick of hearing “that’s typical borderline stuff” and if the wrong staff ever says that (I’m thinking of this girl who irritates me and gets so defensive all the time) I swear I’m going to say something along the lines of “you do know borderline personality disorder can be different for everyone right?? That there’s 256 different combinations of symptoms and it can present itself in different ways…” and I hope I just don’t say too much about my history or look like a fool when the time comes. Like I’ve talked about this during my last shift with my therapist and how it’s hard sometimes hearing staff say stuff about the patients and then thinking back and wondering if the same shit was said about me.

Okay now that that’s off my chest, maybe I can fall asleep now?

I’m looking forward to tonight’s shift because 1- it’s my last shift before my 3 day weekend, 2- there’s 7 counselors and we have an outside sitter for the 1:1’s and 3- there’s a counselor working tonight who trained me for a couple shifts who I like and hardly see cause they’re per diem so when I saw their name I got excited 😂 I am so fucking lame sometimes.

✌🏻😴🙏🏻