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[mellpoint]

Bittersweet

Today marked a new chapter in my life. It changed what I was used to for the unknown. Throwing me back into the world like a new born, helpless and alone. And yet I smile knowing deep down this held an exciting aura to it.

Today left a sour taste on my tongue. All the words unsaid feeling like acid burning away the flesh. All the people I'll miss and the place I once called home. Yet, these new memroies waiting to be made invade my senses like the sweet smell of honey.

Today is a sad day. As I leave my past in changed for my future. But today is also a happy day. As I leave all the bad for the better.

Today is so bittersweet. Something I've longed for, but also hoped would never come.

A bittersweet will stay today, for the rest of my life.

-M.

[mellpoint]

I want to share a little bit of good news from my personal life. I got a new job that I've been wanting and struggling to get for months now and I'm so happy. I had a group interview with two other women and they both were more qualified and experienced than me but I got the job and I'm so excited. Ok thats it. I'm happy and wanted to share with you all. Thank you! -M

[mellpoint]

Living Moments 4- Lost

I've been lost in a sea of people. Feeling like a strand of grass on a neverending field. Surrounded by flowers that stand out and dirt underneath. Yet I'm stuck in place only able to sway with the crowd of the lost. Never really being stepped on like the dirt and never being picked like the flowers.

I fit it like the rest of society and yet I feel lonely. I can't reach any higher than the rest and When I fall we all do.

The cold season comes and I sit still. cold weather seeping into my being freezing my from the inside out. The skies get darker, nights get longer and here I stay. Lost knowing not what life would become of me.

And when the warm season comes back around, I sway again, lost within the crowd.

But I don't want to be lost anymore. I don't want to blend in. I want to grow past the line that makes me one woth society and be on my own. I want to stand out like all the flowers, maybe even more for being different. I want to be picked for once, not ignored for being indiferent and not stepped on for being dirt.

I've been lost for so long but the way the world is made is not for the grass to be higher than the flowers. It for it to remain the same. Remain a unit controled by those who can. And those who cannot be controled, subside to the dirt. Unable to grow.

I don't want to be lost anymore, for I've been lost for so long.

I don't want to be lost anymore, for it feels so lonely.

But until the day comes, that the grass grows taller than the flowers, I will remain lost. For that is what I've been my whole life, that is all I know. It is all I've been let to believe that I'll never reach that far.

-Mel.

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I know I've been gone for a while. I've honestly been trying to deal with what is life on a daily. I'm at a point where I'm not bad, but I'm not good eaither. I'm just ok. and I don't want to be just ok.

I'm trying to find myself in the small moments on quiet. but the loudness in my mind makes it hard. I've felt lost for a while now. But I keep pretending to be ok. Pretending that I can keep going and everything is under control when it far from it.

But that's ok. It takes time to grow. To learn and understand yourself. And I'm slowly coming to peace with that thought. I cannot rush thing because if I do, it will come diformed. But If I let things be, they will turn out perfectly the way they are intended to be.

I know it's hard to be lost in this world where everyone seems to blend in, in one way or another. But don't ever let that stop you from trying to out shine and show the beuty you hide inside.

It's only a matter of time before someone picks you out of a field.

Will you remain lost in the sea of people, or will you do your best to outshine in your own way?

-Mel.

[mellpoint]

Love me for what I am. The broken shards of what once was a girl who dreamed. Love me for I can be. The brightest star in the galaxy. Love me please, I beg of you. For I have no more love for myself. I simply have nothing left. Love me... Because I love you. I've loved you for what feels like millenias I've loved you since the second I looked into your eyes. I love you because I have always known you were meant for me, because you are the half of me that is missing, you are everything I am not. So please please please, Love me... Complete my soul and let me love you for what your worth. -M

[mellpoint]

I wish I could say I loved you the same. I wish I could say I'm sorry. I wish more than anything that things would've been a little different, I wish I could take away your worries. But the truth is that none of it is real. The truth hurts. The truths tells you I lied and played you and I know that is not what you want to hear. But out of all those made up moments we spent, I was always truthful about one thing. No matter what happens in this life or the next, I will always find my way to you and protect you, for you cannot protect yourself. Maybe that is why you fell in love with me. Maybe that is why you think of us as more. Maybe that is why its easier for me to lie to myself and say that I didnt even feel remorse And when you think back on the time we had. I hope you see all my actions and words for what they were, and not what you wanted them to be. If we are to meet in another life, I hope the ending is different. -M

[mellpoint]

Brown eyes, and a smile that kills.

I get lost in his eyes, like starring at a cup of coffee waiting to be consumed.

Getting lost in them like walking through deep woods in the middle of fall.

Cold sending shivers down my spine while my face burns hot red.

I get lost in his eyes because they remind me of all the things in nature I find beautiful but take for granted.

And as I move my eyes down to his lips, I see them curve softly into a smile.

And as if shooting his last shot, plump lips part slightly to show straight white teeth.

A smile that has consumed my every breath and taken over my mind.

Am I still alive? Did he really kill me? Just a smile and eyes, it's all it took for me to meet my demise.

No words spoken. No other moves or sounds.

And that is when I knew, I belonged to him.

I was long gone, lost in his borwn eyes and smile that kills.

M-

[mellpoint]

Living Moments: 3-Addict

Yes I’m an addict. I’m slightly ashamed. But can you blame me? After all, aren’t we all addicted to something? You see, I’m not an addict in the traditional way. Not in any form of typical at least. I don’t crave drugs or their way of making the world seem hazy. I don’t drink to forget the struggles of every day. I’m not sex driven and need constant pleasures. Yet… I do admit. I am an…

[mellpoint]

Living Moments: 3-Addict

Yes I'm an addict. I'm slightly ashamed. But can you blame me? After all, aren't we all addicted to something?

You see, I'm not an addict in the traditional way. Not in any form of typical at least. I don't crave drugs or their way of making the world seem hazy. I don't drink to forget the struggles of every day. I'm not sex driven and need constant pleasures. Yet... I do admit. I am an addict.

Right... Sounds funny doesn't it? But let me explain, you see...

I'm addicted to the silence in the early hours of the morning. The time before birds wake up and cars are heard in the distance.

I'm addicted to the way the sun softly creeps through the cracks of my window shades and kisses me good morning.

I'm addicted to the smile on his face and the way his laugh can brighten up any room.

I'm adddicted to the quiet company of someone next to me, yet never once interacting with me.

I am addicted to the way his hugs make me feel safe and at home.

Yeah... I know. I'm making a bigger deal than what it seems, but just as addicted to all these good things, I'm also addicted to some bad ones.

You see,

I'm addicted to the way I can live in pure happines within the stockade of my mind. Because where else can I live a perfect little li(f)e?

Addicted to the way I love to get hurt and hurt myself. Because having high expectations is highly overrated.

I'm so freaking addicted to crying myself to sleep until I feel nothing but numbness.

I am addicted to letting myself down before others do.

Fuck... I am addicted to the euphoria I get when I put myself so low, you would think I'm 6 feet under.

I'm so blissfully addicted to making sure everyone and everything comes before me, even if it is at my own expense.

ha... how sad...

Yeah... I'm an addict. But I simply cannot find a way to fight against it. And when I try, addiction always wins.

Yeah... They always win..

-M

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I feel like I'm putting a spotlight on myself for this, but I cant lie to myself anymore. I wouldn't say I'm proud, because who would be after admiting they're an addict?

But... I'm not as ashamed anymore, I guess.

And like I said, we are all addicted to something.

Question is...

To you fight it, or let it win?

-M

[mellpoint]

Living Moments: 2-Mental

It is inevitable for a day to go by without the intrusive thoughts. The constant hell that has become my mind. Firepits in every corner blazing extreme heats as all I am able to do is paint myself a fake smile and pretend. Pretend that my life is a beautiful painted picture by Van Gogh. But that’s far from the truth. So far from it, in fact, that even the painted smile doesn’t look right. Paint…

[mellpoint]

Living Moments: 2- Mental

It is inevitable for a day to go by without the intrusive thoughts. The constant hell that has become my mind. Firepits in every corner blazing extreme heats as all I am able to do is paint myself a fake smile and pretend.

Pretend that my life is a beautiful painted picture by Van Gogh. But that's far from the truth. So far from it, in fact, that even the painted smile doesn't look right.

Paint strokes full of rage and pain. Colors all the wrong shades. Outlines of what could be something gorgeous, jagged and far from smooth.

It was as if I attempted to draw a mask to place over my face, but clumsy me to believe I go do such thing with my childish heart.

It is this constant hell, the constant troubles and turbulations that keep me from peace. The fires turning into magma threatening to spill out of my mouth in a sea of lava full of all the things I wish I could say. Things that would most certainty destroy any and everything in their path.

It is this constant hell that keeps me up late at night. The same way it keeps me from enjoying even the slightest bit of what could be my life.

But isn't that it? My perception on things making it seem like my life is hell, when it only exists withing the enclosed space of my head?

Is it not mental to want to fight so hard for something knowing with 100% certainty that even if you achieve it, you wont enjoy it?

That you would still cry at night and sweat as if you were running a marathon while all you do is lay still as a corpse?

Mental... I sure feel myself getting there.

Mental... A dark place beyond all the negativity and pain.

A place I've avoided and worked so hard to never see, but here I am face to face to the door that separates life as I know it, and life as a shell of who I once used to be.

A place where I finally smile. A smile far from happy and kind. But instead a smile of menace and evil. A smile ready to destroy anyone that gets near because the state of my mind. The hell inside seeps pure acidic fumes out of the pores in my skin infecting my surrounding.

Mental...

Should I open the door? Give in to the heat? Burn away to rise as a version of myself no one knows?

Tsk... what a shame...

-M

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Thinking about giving into everything you worked so hard to avoid is a feeling I know all to well. A feeling of loneliness and love, as redundant as it may sound.

I will stand by your side as we both burn. And I'll hold your hand to remind you that although we may me lonely, we are not alone. And if you ever wish to speak, I will listen proudly at the step you are taking.

-M

[mellpoint]

Living Moments : 1-Lifelines

You ever sit and think, ‘Who is this entire world am I thankful for for keeping me here? For pushing me a little harder and a little further?” I have. And as cliche as it may seem, I owe it all to my kids and my fiancé. I know you’re probably thinking that I am crazy or sappy or whatever t is you may think, but truthfully, I couldn’t and wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them. You see, before…

[mellpoint]

Living Moments: 1-Lifelines

You ever sit and think, ‘Who is this entire world am I thankful for for keeping me here? For pushing me a little harder and a little further?”

I have. And as cliche as it may seem, I owe it all to my kids and my fiancé.

I know you’re probably thinking that I am crazy or sappy or whatever t is you may think, but truthfully, I couldn’t and wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them.

You see, before I met him or had my kids, I had already attempted to unalive myself 3 times, and I was only 17.

I met him when I was 18, and since then, throughout all the good and bad we have experienced, I wouldn’t ask or want anyone else next to me. He has helped me get out of my shell, he has taught me how to love myself. He has given me new experiences in life that I don’t think I would have had with anyone else or by myself. We have grown side by side slowly into the people we want to be and the person we want next to one another. We have learned new things from what the other one has interest in and we have found things to share as well.

I wont sit here and say that all this time it has been nothing but sunshine and rainbows, because it hasn’t. But even when all we did was argue for endless days, we still found ways to be there for one another. No matter how mad or disappointed we were with the other at the time, if one of us called the other needing help or whatever the situation may be, we were there in a heartbeat.

Now I still see him grow as an individual everyday but also as a father. And let me tell you, it is the most rewarding feeling in the world to see him grow and become the person he is today.

As for my two sweet blessings, I know I know. Everyone that has a kid say that they are their life line. But I truly mean it. If it wasn’t for my girl, my first born, I probably would’ve attempted my life once again. But she gave me a new way to see life. A new meaning to everything and an endless inspiration for life.

Being pregnant with her was amazing but it never truly hit that I was now a mother, not until I held her in my arms for the first time. It was as if my heart took its first beat and I had seen the most beautiful thing ever created in all of existence.

Ever since I have been learning and growing with her, because let’s be honest, no mater how many parenting books are out there, there is nothing and no one to prepare you for parenthood.

Then came my boy. My sweet chunky man. I couldn’t imagine not holding his weight every day. I couldn’t imagine waking up and not seeing his sweet adorable goofy smile. When I had him it was blessing. Had wished for a boy pretty much my whole life and now having him was like when a kid asks santa for something special and they finally get it. Having both a girl and a boy has been amazing simply because I have the best of both worlds. I have a mini me and I’m also a boys mom.

I feel bad at time because my girl as the oldest gets the learning version of me. Which in return means allot of mistakes. But don’t misinterpret that. I love them both equally yet differently. And I’m sure any other parent out there with both girl and boy would understand. It’s not that we love one more than the other. Or that we give one special treatments. It’s simply a different way to loving a girl vs a boy. Yet they both receive the same amount of love.

Now, I couldn’t imagine my life without any of them. These three individuals mean more to me than words would ever let me express. And ever time I am having the slightest bit of a bad time or a bad day, I just think, “If I can’t live without them, then they can’t live without me” and my entire day gets better. Having them in my life keeps me afloat.

They are honestly and wholeheartedly my life line.

-M

[mellpoint]

I know you’ve been waiting to see when I post my new short series of writings about various topics. I’m here to tell you it’s coming very soon. The month of march has been extremely busy for me with various events, activities and birthdays, mine included. So between all of that and work, I haven’t really had much time to sit and write. But now with a new month starting, I have more time to connect with you all.

Be on the lookout for the first post in the next few days.

I’m calling this series “ Living Moments “

Let me know down below which topics you want to read about first.

-M

[mellpoint]

“Okay is just a word I use so I won’t have to talk about what’s inside. Okay is a word that means I am going to keep my secrets.”

— Benjamin Alire Sáenz

[mellpoint]

One Day…

I’m upset. Upset and feeling pity for you. For the way you make good things seem bad and like everyone but yourself is at fault. I feel pity because you cannot seem to see how much I’ve grown and everything I’ve done and have has been because of myself and no one else. Yet, you make it seem like a bad thing that I am enjoying life, that I keep growing and my family keeps getting bigger. You make…

[mellpoint]

I’m upset. Upset and feeling pity for you. For the way you make good things seem bad and like everyone but yourself is at fault. I feel pity because you cannot seem to see how much I’ve grown and everything I’ve done and have has been because of myself and no one else. Yet, you make it seem like a bad thing that I am enjoying life, that I keep growing and my family keeps getting bigger. You make it seem like I’m the bad guy when all I do is put boundaries to hat I am able to help you and I feel pity that you still think you can get your way and manipulate others into what you want. But I am not the same little girl you remember, and furthermore, I am not the same girl that used to let people walk over her and talk about her.

I’m sorry things are not fully turning out the way you planned or wanted, but you should be proud of what you have. Stop comparing our lives and stop being envious of what I have. Cause if to you, having kids is not enjoying life, then tell me why does it seem like I am having more fun now than I have ever before?

I honestly wish you the best and hope that you can stop comparing and looking into my life so that you can live yours.

I wish and hope that one day can get past this and use be proud of each other and the accomplishments we’ve made.

I hope and wish more than anything that someday soon you can simply be my brother again and not a dictator or boss trying to control my life the way you’ve done for many years.

-M.