#anyway so he lent me the money moms paying him back

[lilgynt]

also i don’t want to be a cunt but my brother reached out to my other brother and i like hey i know dads bday is coming just want to check on yall if you need to talk im here and i gave a thumbs up bc it IS a nice gesture and he did reach out to check on us but also barking growling hitting the wall i literally cannot trust that i can reliably reach out to you especially concerning dad stuff bc of past actions of just not doing that

[vegetable-man]

Eddie, By the Book

A/N: You guys are so sexy for 100+ notes on my first ever fic. Come kiss me on the lips fr. I love a blue collar man. Eddie is a Mechanic because that’s so sexy why not. The kids are in their senior year of high school, if that helps with timeline. Eddie has been a mechanic for about 3 years and he’s pretty good at it. Wayne taught my boy. Enjoy :) ***inspired by buck meeks’ joe by the book*** 

Eddie, By the Book

For his eighteenth birthday, Lucas Sinclair bought a new car.

Well, it wasn’t new persay, but it was enough to make him puff up his chest when he would drive Max to and from school or pick her up for a dinner date. It didn’t matter that the engine shook when the temperature was below 45 degrees… right? God forbid he would have to send it to Hawkins’ only mechanic and get charged more than it was worth to fix it.

That’s what went through Lucas’ mind as he drove slowly through the streets of Hawkins.

Now, you might ask where he was going, and he would tell you that he was going to the mechanic anyway. But, with three passengers Dustin, Will, and Mike, it wouldn’t be such a plausible story. The truth was that he and his best friends were going to meet up with Max and Eleven to watch the new space invaders. It was embarrassing that he was now stranded with a stalled car.

“What the fuck are we going to do now?” Mike muttered and kicked the back wheel.

“I don’t know man, maybe we can ask El to ask Hopper to pick us up?” Lucas was trying to solve the problem before Mike blew up at him.

“No, that’s embarrassing Lucas! You know what, maybe, we should call your mom and ask her to drop us off”

“We can’t do that”

“Yes we can Lucas, and I’m going to call her right now” Mike opened the backseat door to grab his cinderblock telephone, courtesy of El who wanted to make sure he could always answer her calls even when he was out.

Lucas beat him to it and slammed the door shut before Mike could reach for the phone next to Will who seemed entirely unbothered.

“If we call my mom I’ll never hear the end of it. We can’t call her, she told me not to buy the car Mike! Just because you’re going to miss making out with-“

“Yeah Lucas! I’m going to miss making out with my GIRLFRIEND who actually likes me. You’re not missing anything with Max. You should get paid to waste my time because you’re pretty fucking good at it-“

“Guys, guys, GUYS!” Dustin interrupted. “I have an idea.” Looking at both Mike and Lucas in the eyes as they calmed down to pay attention to him, Dustin spoke “we can push it down to the Auto shop and have Eddie take a look”

Lucas interrupted “listen man, I don’t have the money to be spending on getting this shit fixed, honestly, let’s call El and she can move it with her-“

“Yeah you would use my girlfriend to fix your problems. When do you ever-“

And they went at it again.

Five minutes later, Lucas realized he had no choice but to push it four miles down the road to the Auto shop where Eddie worked. It was embarrassing directing a four-man crew to push his car through Hawkins.

“Yank the wheel Will, make sure it’s in Neutral!” Dustin yelled.

Will responded with a silent thumbs up extended out the driver’s side window.

As the three boys pushed the car, and Will drove it, Dustin reassured Lucas that Eddie could fix his car for less than he paid for it.

“No seriously Lucas, he’s by the book, he fixed Y/N’s Cadillac a while back and he didn’t even charge her for it. Lent her a car in the meantime and everything”

“Dustin, we’re missing something here” Lucas stopped pushing to look at Dustin “He’s not in love with me”

Dustin laughed “yeah well obviously, he’s not gonna do your shit for free, I’m just saying”

Lucas sighed.

….

Two years ago

While you recently enrolled in a local college, slowly getting a degree part-time, Eddie had been working at Riley’s Auto Shop for a year and a half. It was an easy hire when he finally graduated high school. Wayne knew a guy, who knew a guy sorta thing. Truth was, Eddie was a master at working with his hands. Back when he got his first car, the van he oh so loved, he almost took the entire thing apart just to put it back together again.

When you asked what he was doing, he said, “I need to see behind the curtain sweetheart, what am I gonna do when this thing blows up?”

And he was right. Not so much as two months later, the transmission blew. Luckily, Eddie (with a little help from Wayne) quickly figured out how to fix it and got his baby back on the road in less than a day. It was an ego booster in the way that Eddie hadn’t known, apart from you of course, and he then became the trailer park’s own mechanic.

That’s why, when your car was making a humming noise before almost-not starting, you went crying to Eddie.

Of course, this was an overstatement, even if you did have tears in your eyes when you pulled up to the shop.

The crunch of your tires on the cracked asphalt alerted Eddie that a new customer was pulling in. He thought that it was probably some teenager coming in to get their oil changed or a new inspection, rolling his eyes and coming out from underneath a BMW which needed an electrical fix.

Wiping his hands on a nearby rag, Eddie walked a bit out of the garage to see that it was, in fact, you in the parking lot. Eddie immediately smiled and waved, happy to see his best friend, a girl he had been in love with since the fourth grade, visiting him at work. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. You had brought him lunch so many times before that Eddie thought he had swooned more than any man had ever on the history of earth.

His smile faltered as he saw you, red-rimmed eyes, step out of the car and towards him.

“What’s wrong sweetheart?” He opened his arms to hug you and despite the black oil stains on his white tank top, you fell into his embrace.

With your head against the upper right side of his chest, tucked between his chin and shoulder, you sniffed “something’s wrong with my car teddy.”

He looked down at you on his chest and squeezed your waist “well, that’s not a problem you know I can fix it for you.” He tried to send you a soft smile to reassure you, tilting his head down but he couldn’t reach your eyes.

After a bit of silence, and you soaking up the small caresses that Eddie was dragging across your back and up and down your arms, Eddie tried to crack you again “what’s wrong bub, why are you so upset?”

Eddie always knew how to slip through the walls, and he knew he hit a nerve when he could feel your shoulders shake and head bury further into the tendrils of hair fallen out of his bun.

“I have a test tomorrow,” you choked “and I’m trying to study but I’m stressed about my car and I’m not even going to be able to drive to school tomorrow. Teddy, I’m just frustrated and embarrassed.”

“Why are you embarrassed?” He asked, confused.

“I don’t know, I just am.”

Without missing a beat, Eddie said “Take my car”

“Huh?”

“Honey, take my car, and I’ll figure out what’s wrong with your little monster” Eddie was soothing and his big hands were keeping your shoulders and waist close to his torso. You could smell the sweat and feel the vibrations of his low tone as he tried to save you some grief.

“No Eddie, I can’t” you breathed “If I can make-“

“What am I if I can’t fix your problems Y/N?” Eddie had always felt his responsibility to take on a portion of the burdens that you faced, even when he knew you were more than equipped to handle them. It made him feel useful, it made him feel like a man. Something that his father tried so hard to take away from him when he was a kid. Eddie wanted to care for you, he wanted to show you he could be there and provide for you. That if you were in a pinch, you wouldn’t panic because you knew ‘Eddie’s coming to fix it’.

With a kiss to your temple, Eddie dug his car keys out of his work pants pocket and handed them to you.

“Go home, eat something, study, and come back tomorrow. I’ll have this all figured out okay?” Eddie looked at you in the eyes as you sniffled and then kissed his cheek.

“Okay, but if you can’t fix it tonight it’s okay I promise, and tell me how much-“

“Go home sweetheart” he chided.

“Okay, love you”

“I love you too”

Eddies heart always raced when you said that. As much as he was in love with you, and he knew you were in love with him, he felt it necessary to prove to you he could be good for you before he officially asked you out.

As if he hadn’t been proving that since the fourth grade.

…

“Apparently it was a really hard job but he got it done for her in less than a day. I swear Lucas if there’s anyone who can fix this for you its Eddie.”

The four boys, and beat up car, were less than a mile away from the auto shop and, conveniently, outside of a gas station. Dustin, Mike, Lucas, and Will stopped in to get some drinks and snacks and cool off before going back outside and finishing the hike.

Sitting under the air conditioning unit, the boys couldn’t be bothered to look up when the doorbell rang to signal an incoming customer.

If they didn’t see him, they sure as hell heard him “Thirty on four please.”

As if they were stranded in a desert hearing the drip of water, all the boys head’s snapped up to see Eddie’s form retreating out of the gas station to the pump to fill a dark green Cadillac.

“EDDIE! EDDIE!” They yelled.

Eddie almost dropped the large Smartfood bag and blue slushy as he tried to place it in the car and looked up to see four teenagers, no, young men, barreling toward him.

“Eddie!” Lucas breathed heavily. “I need-“

Dustin interrupted him “Lucas’ deadbeat car stalled and we’re late for a movie and listen, morale is low”

Eddie chuckled and looked around to find Lucas’ tan, minus the rust, car sitting on the side of the road. “Did you…. Push it all the way here?” Eddie inspected the young men’s sweaty shirts and damp hair.

Yeah, they pushed it all the way here.

Before they could answer, Eddie winced and shook his head. “Just get in the car.” They sighed in relief and went to open the doors “WAIT” Eddie yelled “this is the missus’ car, I don’t want to see a spec of dust or sweat or anything. Don’t eat in the car and don’t spill anything either.” He looked around at the four boys who vehemently nodded. “Okay, get in”

Eddie filled up the green Cadillac and then took off to the auto shop. It was not even a five minute drive, but nevertheless a thirty minute push from where Lucas’ car stood.

Pulling up to the auto shop, Dustin saw that Eddie was the only mechanic on shift. Metal was lowly playing on the radio. Weekends were pretty slow anyway, and Eddie liked to take it slow when he could. Getting out of the car with their snacks and drinks in tow, Eddie included, the five of them entered the air-conditioned office of the auto shop.

From a small window, Dustin could see you, head in one hand and pencil in the other. You looked to be concentrating on something, almost frustrated as you massaged your forehead and dropped your pencil to close your eyes and sigh. Eddie gently opened the door with his elbow, and walked into the lit room. You turned your head to look at Eddie and caught the eyes of the four boys. With an enthusiastic wave you smiled and then turned to Eddie, smile growing brighter at the sight of the popcorn and slushy in his hands.

He gently pecked you on the lips and placed the food and drink on the table with your papers. In lieu of holding the goods, his hands massaged your shoulders and he spoke to you softly.

Dustin could not catch the words he was saying to you. Probably something about how he now had another car to fix or that he wanted some slushy, Dustin had no idea.

Giving Eddie another kiss and a squeeze of his hand you turned back to the paper and Eddie left the room. He quietly closed the door and cleared his throat at the boys gawking at him.

“I’m gonna get the truck to tow your car,” he spoke directly to Lucas and then turned to the group entire “do not bother Y/N, she’s busy with homework, you can eat in the main office.”

Although the boys would have liked to talk to you for a bit, not having much time since you recently enrolled full time in your university, they respected the man who was going to fix Lucas’ car and, ultimately, get them to the movies. If Eddie said you were busy, you might as well have been drafting letters to the Pope.

If Lucas wanted to leave with his wallet intact, he would respect your space and Eddie’s commands.

Within five minutes, Eddie’s work truck was bounding down the road with Lucas’ car in tow. In another twenty minutes Eddie had diagnosed the car with a faulty fuel line and then immediately went to the car yard to get the part and patch the sucker up.

It took Eddie about forty minutes to fix the problem.

Lucas felt like he was floating, but then again, maybe it was his wallet from the bill Eddie was going to give him.

Lucas winced as Eddie wiped his hands on his work pants and timidly asked “How much Eddie?”

Eddie pretended to think, counting on his fingers and then suddenly looking at Lucas.

“Free”

“What?”

“Free, go to dinner or something.” Eddie turned towards the office.

“But-“

Eddie quickly interrupted, “Say hi to the girls for me!” and slammed the door of the office where you were still focused on the work in front of you.

Lucas looked around to the other three boys and quickly got into the car as if Eddie could change his mind at any moment. The boys were still outside the car, slowly moving towards the door when Lucas shouted a “LETS GO” and almost peeled out of the garage and towards the movie theaters to pick up the girls and, hopefully, make it up to them with some dinner.

Inside the office where you found yourself consumed by your homework, Eddie pulled up a chair next to you and leaned on your shoulder.

“That was so sexy” you poked at his thigh.

Eddie cheesed “who am I to get in the way of young love” leaning toward you and looking up into your eyes with the most love you’ve ever seen.

You gave a genuine belly laugh “you’re so stupid” you examined his face.

Eddie gave you a toothy smile and headbutted your shoulder as you picked up the pencil again and got back to work.

[exosmutfactory]

BETWEEN YOU & ME

Baekhyun drabble.

1352 words.

Angst AGAIN (smh), some fluff at the end.

A/N: Someone take my phone away from me 😭🌸 forgive me for any mistakes. This is why I don't listen to new music, this always happens 🥴✨

♬♩♪♩ ♬♩♪♩ ♬♩♪♩

Baekhyun takes a deep draw from his cigar. He rests his elbow on the car door, his cigar hanging out of the open window. He exhales the smoke into the chilly air, staring aimlessly into space.

He had just returned home from a business trip overseas. It was a big deal; the whole weight of the company rested on his shoulders. It took an agonizing three weeks to convince another company to partner up with him for an upcoming project. Day to day dealing with strangers while struggling to speak in a foreign language and rooming with his annoying colleagues in a hotel was hell, but it was so worth it. Well, until he got back home.

His jaw clenches. Baekhyun had just got back from the airport, having stayed up for the entire 15-hour flight on an adrenaline high from how successful the deal went. He told his mom, dad, and friends. He wanted to share the good news with the world. He even managed to facetime his dog on the taxi ride on the way home.

His home. That he shared with his lover.

He had grabbed a bouquet of flowers during the rush-hour traffic jam downtown and a box of chocolate from her favorite locally-owned bakery. He had straightened his tie and settled his hair before stepping into their apartment to surprise her only to be greeted by an unexpected scene.

This bitch had the nerve to have a man in his house. On his couch. In nothing but her 24-carat earrings and the 500 dollar set of lingerie that he bought for her.

Baekhyun didn't even falter for longer than a moment before turning around and walking right back out the door. Jet lag be damned, he'll get the locks changed and kick her out in the morning.

He leans back in his seat, covering his face with his hand, the heat from the lit end of his cigar tickling his skin. Tears well up in his eyes. He's given her everything she could ever ask for. His money, his time, his love. He lent her his black card on multiple occasions and let her drive around in his car.

Baekhyun kicks the dashboard of the Audi, not even phased when his phone falls to the floor in a clatter. It's broken anyway; he threw it at the brick wall as soon as he exited the apartment complex. Her obsessive calls and pleading voice mails won't be reaching him anytime soon.

He blinks back furious tears, swallowing thickly around the lump in his throat. He feels so manipulated; so wronged.

How could she do this to me?

He has done nothing but provide and care for her for the past three years. He helped pay off her debt. He looked after her kids when her babysitter bailed at the last minute. Hell, he was going to propose to her, but now it's pointless. It's over. He was ready to spend the rest of their lives together and this bitch went and ruined it.

Baekhyun chuckles bitterly, snubbing out his cigar in the ashtray. No. He is not doing this. He will not smoke cigars like a chimney over some two-timing, poor excuse of a woman. He has a family and career to think about, with one less distraction in the picture.

A distraction… Now he wonders if he was just her opportunity.

Feeling tears spring to his eyes again, he grunts in annoyance, grabbing his wallet before stepping out of the car and closing the door with a startling slam. He heads for the club around the block, already feeling a headache coming on from the volume of the music outside of the establishment alone. The bouncer glances at him for two seconds before stepping aside to let him through.

Baekhyun heads straight for the bar, ordering a round of shots and bourbon on the rocks. He surveys the room while swirling the drink in his glass, envious of how carefree everyone seems to be. For the first time in a long time, he is the only sorry man drinking his woes away at the bar, and he doesn't know how to feel about that.

He gulps down the alcohol until he can't tell his left hand from his right, clumsily loosening his stifling tie around his neck. Fed up, he roughly yanks on the collar of his dress shirt altogether and stands up, stumbling his way to the exit. He needs to get out of here; he can't stand it anymore.

His vision blurs. The flashing lights blind him. One misplaced step on the back of someone's shoe and he's sent tumbling to the floor.

Baekhyun slams his hands against the wall to save himself at the last second, slumping against it as an irritated voice reaches his ears.

"Hey, asshole! Watch where the fu-"

He turns his head and freezes, drinking in the sight of you. You stand in front of him with your hands on your hips, nostrils flare and eyes ablaze. Your black dress compliments the curve of your hips and your fierce eyes glaring up at him.

There's so many things Baekhyun wants to say in that moment, but all he manages to do is burst into tears like a baby. The alarmed expression on your face does nothing but fill him with shame.

***

"Here."

Baekhyun lifts his head, taking hold of the coffee mug that you slide over the table to him.

"You don't seem like the type to stumble drunkenly through crowds," you mumble thoughtfully, resting his chin in your palm with a tilt of your head. "Rough night?"

Baekhyun solemnly nods, carefully bringing the mug up to his lips. He wins as the bitter taste of coffee spreads over his tongue. Bitter. Like the last image he's seen of his ex.

"Want to talk about it?" your soothing voice snaps him out of his thoughts. You look at him in a mixture of concern and curiosity, idly swirling your melting sugar cubes in your coffee.

Baekhyun hates to admit how easily those words have another avalanche of tears streaming down his face. He wouldn't mention this to anyone. Anyone. He notices you shift out of the corner of his eye, wondering bitterly if you're going to leave. How many times today will he be left behind? How much more can his heart take-

He blinks, leaning back when you wave a packet of tissues in front of his face. You're looking around the vacant cafe, giving him some privacy while he hurries to wipe his face.

"Look, I'd feel bad as hell if I left you by yourself like this." You turn back to him after his tears stop falling so heavily. "Give me a number. Who can I call for you?"

Looking at you, Baekhyun finds the strength to smile, chuckling softly. He recites Chanyeol's number that he has memorized, watching the way you tap your nails on the edge of the table while giving his friends directions to the cafe.

"He'll be here in 30," you cross your arms on the table, sighing in exaggeration. "30 more minutes with Mr mullet mystery for me."

Baekhyun's smile grows, his mood lifting the more you talk. He's sobered up by the time Chanyeol's wheels squeal loudly in the parking lot. "Wait," he rests his hand on top of yours on impulse, feeling heat spread over his face when you glance at him in shock. "S-sorry," he mutters, clearing his throat. "How can I ever repay you?"

"Are you asking for my number, Baekhyun?" you raise a brown, amusement dancing over your features. You chuckle when he nervously rubs the back of his neck, grabbing a napkin to scribble your number on it in blue ink.

"Thank you," he murmurs, hurrying to the door with a smile even though he'd rather sit and spend time with you more.

You nod when he turns around to look at you one last time, tucking your hair behind your ear with a smile of your own. "See you around, Mr. Byun."

♬♩♪♩ ♬♩♪♩ ♬♩♪♩

A/N: This man got me out here unable to sit still 😔😪💓

[juniorgman187]

Serendipity (Reid Fic) Part 1

A/N: If you’re wondering if this is at all based on Rosie and Marco’s storyline in “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” then you should know - it totally is.

Summary: An FBI gathering brings Reader and Spencer together after years of distance. This one night changes not only their future, but their perspective on the past.  Category: Angst, Smut, *NSFW content Pairing: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid Content Warning: Mentions of traumatic childhood, child neglect, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, menstruation, pregnancy Word Count: 10.2k

I originally thought I would be able to fit everything into 1 part, but after further reconsideration, this will be a two part series. 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　

Serendipity: (n). Finding something good without looking for it.

A word I would only come to truly understand many months from now on a warm Thursday morning in May at St. Mary’s Hospital. 

But whenever my thoughts drifted back towards the past, I would always remember that this was how it all began - on a chilly Saturday night in the heart of D.C.

Not more than four hours ago, Emilia and I drove down here for an F.B.I function that hired us. Under normal circumstances, we wouldn’t have agreed to be the caterers for an event so far away, but we eventually signed on after learning that there were at least 600 people attending. That meant a considerable amount of customers and an exorbitant amount of money. Saying yes was clearly a no brainer. 

Just to put it into perspective of how big this event would be, Emilia and I got lucky if we could park somewhere with 80 customers. 80. So this event would be colossal for us.

But who would have guessed that in a crowd of 600, I would run into the one and only - Spencer Reid. 

To preface, this wasn’t just any old birthday party, parade, or festival. It was a celebration and a grand one at that. Considering it was a private event at the Washington Monument, we were given special instructions to abide by the black-tie formal dress code that guests had to follow, too. I guess the caterers can’t look like slobs in the United States’ Capitol, now can they?

I definitely spent more time than I should have deciding on what outfit to wear, but my conscientiousness, or rather indecisiveness, did pay off in the end. For I would run into someone worth the trouble of impressing. 

My hair, unlike Emilia’s, was down and curled in big waves, and on one side, some of my hair was tucked behind my ear and designed to stay that way thanks to copious amounts of hairspray and an ungodly total of bobby pins. Emilia lent me a black, floor-length dress that had a plunging v-neck that didn’t fit her anymore, but luckily, fit perfectly on me. Although I would have to remember not to lean over too far tonight, otherwise, the customers might get a show they didn’t pay for. I, however, didn’t look half so good as my business partner. 

Emilia was clad in a navy blue silk dress with puffy sleeves and a high collar; the dress clung to her every curve, including her newly protruding belly bump. She looked regal and pregnant all at the same time, qualities I hadn’t seen coexist in anyone but the Queens and Duchesses in England. 

“Well, don’t you look hot?” Emilia purred, running her fingers through my curls, then letting them fall and sway back into place. 

“Are you kidding? You are quite literally a sexy mama.” I gushed to her, receiving a light chuckle in return. 

“Yeah, well, when you’re five months pregnant, tell me how sexy you feel in a tight dress.” She remarked, turning her back to me while she arranged all the supplies in the kitchenette behind me. But even as she faced away from me, she still managed to recognize the effect her words had. Maybe it was something in my silence, or our sister-telepathy, but Emilia immediately felt the room depress. In an effort to take back the remark that turned the room cold, she sweetly added while hugging me from behind, “You’re gonna be a mom one day, too. I promise.” 

I leaned into her embrace, feeling guilty for ruining the moment while also feeling burdened by the reminder of the terrible reality I had to face every day.

Ever since I could remember, I thought I was destined to be a mother, but that destiny had yet to be fulfilled.

Emilia was born only three years after me, and though that age gap isn’t big enough for me to be mistaken for her mother, I, she, and our younger brother Saul would all agree that in many ways I was their mom. I was the parent our parents never were. I was there for everything - soccer games, dance recitals, winter musicals - never getting the chance to participate in my own, but always attending their’s. 

I had to admit sometimes it was a burden, having to grow up so fast and help raise my siblings while still trying to navigate through my own struggles of adolescence, but I saw it as something I was meant to do. 

See, I wouldn’t have minded all the responsibilities of being a parent so much when it’d be my own kids that I’d be fulfilling them for - when it would be by my choice to fulfill those responsibilities and not by unfortunate birth order. 

However, as the years have gone by, my calling to be a mother has gotten quieter and quieter and quieter until eventually, I don’t think I’ll be able to hear it anymore. 

It’s not that I can’t have kids, but the fear of rushing into having one is what’s stopped me from pursuing that dream. 

As someone who grew up with divorced parents and practically became my siblings only reliable caregiver, I knew what having a baby too soon could do to a family. So rather than repeating history, I chose to wait to have kids. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes my parents did, and so I lived my life. I traveled all across the globe, I met new people, tried new things, I even started this taco truck business with Emilia. 

But still that gaping hole in my chest remained. A hole that nothing could ever fill the way that a child would. 

No amount of living could make up for the emptiness of a life with no family.

I could pretend all I wanted that I was happy living out my twenties, but the truth was I didn’t want to spend the rest of my years working in a food truck, amounting to nothing more than a mediocre cook and middling entrepreneur. That was never my dream - as exciting as it was. 

My real dream was to have a good life. The kind my parents never had thanks to the unplanned arrival of me. The kind my baby sister was already living out. 

“You know what? It’s a really nice night out. I think I might go for a walk. Do you wanna come?” Was this my blatant avoidance of breaching the subject of pregnancy? Yes, but it was also my escape from this food truck that felt like it was getting smaller and smaller and smaller by the second. 

“No, I’m okay. I’ll just get everything ready.” Emilia resigned. 

She knew why I was really leaving - sister-telepathy, I’m telling you - but she didn’t feel the need to acknowledge it. For that, I was thankful. Maybe we were better at communicating with no words at all. 

I carefully stepped off the back of the truck, making sure to hike up my dress high enough so I wouldn’t trip over the mess of fabric when my feet hit the floor. The nippy December air felt like a cool balm on my hot skin. I was burning up in that truck, and maybe it was nerves or something else, but I just had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. There was no explanation for it, but I realize now that the pit in my stomach was caused by something my intuition could sense but something my mind couldn’t understand. 

Someone important from my past was here tonight.

As I sauntered around the monument, I took in the breathtaking view of the structure’s silhouette against the blazing orange sky that melted into an ocean blue. I regretted not bringing my phone to take a picture of it so I could show Emilia when I got back, but that one regret quickly turned into another when the night sky’s breeze brought a rude awakening. My body shivered at the frigid gust of wind that blew through and I suddenly started to regret not bringing a jacket.

“Are you cold?” A gentle voice asked me from behind. 

I slightly recoiled out of shock of someone being there. When I turned around though, I couldn’t quite make out any distinguishable features. All I knew for sure was that this was certainly a man, and a tall one, too. 

“Um, just a little.” I bashfully admitted, crossing my arms to hug myself and maintain some warmth. I hadn’t even thought about my dress’s plunging v-neck or the fact that I was practically squeezing my breasts together, accentuating them even further, but by the time, I realized, it was too late. He was already looking. But not at my chest. Somewhere far more invasive. 

My eyes. 

“Here, take my jacket.” 

My small protests did nothing to stop him as he inevitably slipped the coat around my shoulders anyway. He’d come so close that I could finally see him and smell him. And let me tell you, if the sight of him wasn’t enough to break an overflowing dam of memories, then his smell certainly sent a flood that would.

“Oh my god,” I quietly gasped, my hand flying to my mouth to cover its un-ladylike gaping. 

“Spencer Reid?”

I squinted my eyes and cocked my head even further to find evidence to support my assumption, and sure enough, I found exactly what I was looking for. 

I was frozen in place as I deeply examined his face. My God! I mean, in many ways, he hadn’t changed a bit since the last time I saw him. Same dazzling hazel eyes. Same uniquely adorable nose. Same over-stimulated pink lips. I wonder if he still bit them as much as he did back then? 

But at the same time, he was so different. Of course, I could still discern the same features I used to study endlessly back then, but his face had transformed into a man’s. He lost the glasses for one thing, but he also had a softer jawline, longer hair, and for lack of a better term, a beefier build.

He was all grown up now, and yet, I could still identify the same boyishly handsome charm that made me fall in love with him more than a decade ago.

“I knew it was you, (y/n).” He chuckled, sounding half proud of himself. My heart fluttered at the sound of my name on his tongue and the action that followed. With his eyes locked on mine, he tucked strands of my hair back behind my ears; it’s as if he were saying, “Let me get a good look at you.” 

“How? It’s almost completely dark outside. You could barely even see me.” Certainly, you can understand why I was skeptical. Sounded too good to be true, if you ask me. 

He shook his head lightly with a smile, seemingly questioning how I couldn’t possibly know the answer to that question. “No one else looks like you. Not even in the dark.” 

His words spoke to a part of my soul specifically reserved for him. They were so genuine that I almost didn’t want to believe them because how could someone speak such lovely things and truly mean them? The world wasn’t that good a place. Certainly not good enough for Spencer Reid. 

In that moment, I flew out of my own body and watched this entire scene unfold from up above. I could see the version of a girl I hadn’t seen in years, not since that last interaction with Spencer. She had these big lovesick eyes as she swooned over a man with just the same lovesick look. 

The excessive upward tilt of my head and the way his neck craning down must’ve made it seem like we were about to kiss, but I knew better than to expect such a thing from Spencer Reid. And if anything, what we were doing right now was much more intimate than kissing. 

“Wow, you ... you really grew up. You look great.” My own voice sounded unfamiliar to me after the words slipped from my mouth without even registering in my brain first. 

“Are you kidding? Look at you! I mean, you are just ...” He paused for a moment to look me up and down, and I nearly shivered at the thought that he was practically undressing me with his eyes. “You’re absolutely beautiful. But you always were.” 

I was almost completely in a daze when I heard a hideous squawk of a bird flying overhead. This wouldn’t make sense, but it nearly felt like a sign. Like the bird knew I wasn’t supposed to be there, reminding me of where I belonged - reality - not in this fantasy with Spencer. 

“Um,” My head spun as I drew back from him. “I should probably get back. I’ll see you later.” I touched his upper arm gently as I passed by him, and it stunned me how warmth just radiated off of his body. 

To my all too quick goodbye, he simply waved and watched me walk past him with a pursed-lip smile. And just before I got too far, I thought I heard him say, “I hope so.” 

Though my feet were carrying me away from Spencer, my thoughts were only drifting closer to the memory of him, and we did have so many memories. 

11 Years Ago ...

I was at the ripe age of 16 when I got my driver’s license. And to anyone else, this would seem like a given milestone, but to me - it was so much more. With the obtainment of my license, I also gained access to a whole new world. Opportunities poured at the seams. I could drive anyone and anywhere I wanted to and though it wasn’t true, it felt like I could do anything, too. But like all things good in my life, it fell apart in the face of responsibilities. 

My newly obtained license was just another way for my parents to exploit me. Now, they didn’t have to drive Emilia and Saul since I could. Looking back, I have to wonder if the only reason they funded my driver’s ed classes were for the exact reason that if I took them, I’d sooner be able to take on yet another helping of duties they were too lazy to fulfill.

There’s one particular moment I can remember from this age and that same moment could also be regarded as the catalyst that would set off a series of events for the next 11 years to come.

It was the end of the school year and summer vacation was right around the corner. I was a sophomore at the time, and the prospect of being a junior the next year excited me. 

To kick off the start of summer, Melody Hanes was throwing a pool party at her house. Everyone knew she was filthy rich because of a dead grandpa or some other, not to mention, she was also in student government so she had just as big of a role in school as her grandpa’s death did in making the Hanes family wealthy. 

Though I never knew her personally, I did have third period chemistry with her for the entire year, and I sat right in front of her for pretty much the entirety of second semester. She must’ve only addressed me a handful of times, but she still invited me to her party anyway. Proximity, I had to admit, did play a part in that though because if I sat just a seat farther away, then I wouldn’t have been. 

I came home that day, thrilled to tell my mother about my invitation. It would’ve been my first party that wasn’t a distant relative’s birthday celebration or a childish sleepover in elementary. It was my first real high school party, and for once, I thought - maybe I’d finally get the quintessential ‘high school experience.’

But of course, I never did. 

As soon as I got home, I parked my car in the driveway, got the mail, and came inside the house to see my mother sitting on the couch watching TV, as per usual. While I was telling her about my invitation, she didn’t bother to lower the volume or even look away from the screen to give me her undivided attention, and when she did look away, it was only to take the mail from my hands. 

“Your sister’s science fair is on that day, and you have to take her because I’ll be working from 1 to 7.” My mother never once looked up from the mail she was sorting through to address me. And her words, while incredibly monotone, were also spoken with such finality, like what she said was the last she ever wanted to speak on the topic. No room for discussion. 

I’m not still losing sleep over it, but at the time, it felt like for once, I could actually just be a teenager and be young and reckless like everyone else, but that it was just taken from me. I never got the chance to be a kid again.

With the exception of Emilia’s science fair.

I knew my father wouldn’t be there, and obviously my mother wouldn’t, so I stayed to watch her presentation and to walk around the rest of the time. She deserved someone in her corner, and that someone was me. Even if no one was in mine. 

As I serpentined through the cafeteria, a bittersweet feeling came upon me. From paper mâché volcanoes to potato batteries, I observed a childlike sense of wonder that I hadn’t felt for years. 

Here, I was surrounded by children who got to be just children. They got to occupy themselves with trivial matters, like how gardens grow or if video games actually do rot your brain. 

Their problems had solutions and their questions had answers, and it almost made me wish that I could revert back to a time where life was that easy, but I couldn’t because it never was … not for me. 

So to sum it up, it was precious and heartbreaking all at the same time. 

While browsing the fair, I stumbled upon a man that didn’t quite seem to fit in, and maybe it was my own unfitting appearance that made me recognize his. He could’ve very well been the brother of one of these children, but something about the way he was dressed and the way he carried himself made me highly doubt that. 

He couldn’t have been a parent either, for he was not too far off from my own age, and if he was a parent of one of these eighth graders, that would have to mean that he had a kid when he was in kindergarten. So for all intents and purposes, he wasn’t someone’s brother or someone’s father. Who he actually was - I didn’t know, but I was determined to find out.

After that first observance, I spotted him a couple more times, but it wasn’t until we were looking at the same project that we actually spoke. 

“Fascinating, isn’t it?”

The sudden sound of his voice alarmed me, but only because it seemingly came out of nowhere. Generally, before someone speaks to you, you notice signals that they’re about to, which helps you prepare for conversation. Whether it’s nervous twitches, a look in your direction, maybe even a small acknowledging smile, you’ll recognize they want to or plan to talk to you, but none of those signs were given to me. Even when I turned my head to give him my attention, he was still fixated on the project in front of us. 

“Yeah, it really is,” I politely agreed. I awkwardly looked around the room as if I’d find an answer as to what to say next because I did want to keep talking to him, but the longer I stayed silent, the more I fear he’d begin to think I didn’t want to. With nothing else to ask but the question that had been bothering me since I first laid eyes on him, I simply went for it. 

“So, who are you here for?”

For the first time, he turned his head to the side to look right at me. With a quizzical expression, he responded. “Oh, no one. I’m just a judge here.” 

It was my turn to possess a quizzical expression. His statement wouldn’t have been weird, except for the part where any judge I’d seen or talked to were all well into their forties or fifties. 

“Aren’t you kinda young to be a judge? You’re, like, what? Seventeen, eighteen?

“Nineteen actually. But I regularly come to judge the Summer Science Fairs here since I went to this middle school eleven years ago.” 

Again, I would’ve taken his word for it, but the math didn’t make sense. “You were in middle school at eight years old?” 

“Mhm. I ended up graduating high school at twelve.” He said it so nonchalantly, but for how big of a feat it was, I thought it would’ve deserved a more prideful tone, yet he still maintained such a cavalier one. Did he not think himself to be impressive? 

“Jeez, you must be really smart.” 

He shoved his hands in his pockets, which made me notice that he wasn’t carrying a clipboard like the other judges, which was probably another reason why I didn’t take him for one. How would he be able to remember the projects that he was considering for awards? He’d have to have some magical memory for that.

Before answering, he began to walk away, but nonetheless he continued addressing me, so I followed him where he went. 

“Mmm not necessarily. My IQ isn’t high enough to suggest I’m a provable genius yet, but I do have an eidetic memory and I can currently read 16,000 words per minute, which definitely helps. I hope to be able to read 20,000 words per minute in the future.” 

Despite answering my question, he only left me with many more. 

“What is your IQ right now?”

“131.”

My eyes widened. Even I, with my limited knowledge on intelligence quotients knew that was high, especially for someone as young as he was. 

“So what IQ score do you have to have in order to be considered a genius?”

I couldn’t help but notice how he barely took anytime to think before answering me. It’s like his brain just knew everything, right then and there. 

“A score of over 140 is considered a genius or near genius.”

“Wow, so you’re almost a genius then?”

“Almost, but not quite. If I receive diverse stimulation at a consistent rate for the next few years, I predict that I’ll have an IQ of 180 or higher by the time I’m in my early twenties.”

You would think he would leave me speechless, but I still went on to ask him about what an eidetic memory was, and he explained to me that he could remember things exceedingly well, but that it was not the same thing as a photographic memory. He made that distinction very clear to me. 

Our conversation droned on for the rest of the fair as we continued to circle the cafeteria. I can’t count how many times we lapped around the same projects, but we never seemed to run out of things to talk about. Once those first few seconds after meeting him, when I didn’t know what to say, passed, I never again felt a sense of not knowing. We could talk for hours and hours, and it wouldn’t matter. I would never get bored. 

How could I? When I was with him, it felt like the rest of the world just faded away. Our discourse flowed so easily, no pressure, no awkward silence. It was just me and him, and if you ask me, that’s quite the opposite of boring. 

That was the first and final time I ever truly felt like a kid. Just like the ones in the science fair. Not a care in the world except for my morbid curiosity of the marvel that was him.

Alas, all good things must come to an end, and I inevitably found myself being ripped out of my trance when I felt an aggressive tug on my sweater.

“We can go now.” Emilia interrupted. 

I hadn’t even noticed that a majority of the poster boards were taken down and that an even larger majority of the people were long gone, too. I got so lost in the conversation that I didn’t realize we were one of the last people still there. 

Emilia’s eagerness to leave was apparent as she pulled me away from my interesting conversationalist. 

“I had a nice time talking to you!” I called out to him, walking backwards to lengthen the period of time I could keep looking at him. 

“Likewise.”

I turned around fully just before I finally realized something. “Hey!” I yelled across the distance. “I never got your name!” 

He bashfully smiled and looked down at his feet briefly. “It’s Spencer! Spencer Reid!” 

I stood there for a moment, silently processing his name. 

“What’s yours?” He yelled back. 

I chuckled mischievously. “I guess you’ll have to find out next time.” My ambiguity puzzled him and intrigued him all at the same time. 

“Next time?” 

With the intentions of leaving him without a true answer, I simply turned on my heels and started walking away. 

“Bye, Spencer!”

Even if he didn’t have an eidetic memory, I knew after that first day, he could never forget me. 

- Present Time -

By the time I made it back to the truck, people were already lining up to order. 

“Get over here!” Emilia squealed excitedly from the window, her hand rapidly waving me over as if it’d suddenly increase my speed. I ran back as fast as I could in a dress and heels and climbed into the truck, mirroring my sister’s zeal. 

When I stepped in, Emilia took one glance at me and furrowed her brows. “Where’d you get the jacket?” 

Had she not mentioned it, I would not have remembered the foreign fabric that wrapped around my shoulders. 

“Oh, shoot!” I palmed my forehead after the realization dawned on me. I should’ve noticed sooner that I still had it on, but honestly, it didn’t feel unusual or out of place. It was comfortable and familiar, like it was meant to be there that entire time.

“I’m so sorry to do this to you, but do you think you can handle this alone for just a second? I have to return this to a friend.” I asked while slipping off the coat to ready myself to leave, even in the event that Emilia said she wouldn’t let me go. Luckily though, she understood it was urgent. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fine. Just hurry back.” 

I extended my head to look out just past the side of the truck to look for Spencer while still being concealed within the vehicle. Now that there were more people here, I wasn’t exactly sure I should be caught mingling with the attendees, so instead, I decided to search for him from the truck, rather than wandering around the party, giving the impression to the people that hired us that I wasn’t doing my job and was just here to socialize. 

Luckily, there was something about my attachment to Spencer that was supernatural. I had this metaphysical ability to spot him even in a crowded place. I could find him anywhere. But whether that was a blessing or a curse was to be determined because right as my paranormal power kicked in, I found him. And there he was - standing next to another girl, a proximity much too close and a smile much too big to be anything less than flirtatious.

I paused to recall the image I had of myself earlier, when I floated up and out of my own body. I looked just like her - an oversized grin combined with lovesick eyes. 

But that’s not the worst part. 

The worst part was he was returning just the same look of attraction to her. 

“Um, actually,” I re-entered the truck completely, tossing the jacket aside haphazardly. “I’ll just return it later.” 

“You sure? You can go. I’ve got things covered right now.” She said between multitasking at a rate that even I, a very-much-not-pregnant-woman, could manage. 

All I could mutter back without giving away the sharp ache in my heart was, “Yeah, I’m sure.” 

_ _ _

After hours and hours of non-stop working, the night, at last, was coming to a close. The large crowd had sized down considerably, until I could no longer hear the sound of a thousand voices meshing. All the decorations were already coming down by the time Emilia and I finished packing up the truck. Without the hectic energy to cause adrenaline to course through my veins, it should’ve been peaceful, yet my heart was not at peace. 

I couldn’t shake the gut-wrenching feeling of seeing Spencer with that girl, but that wasn’t really why I was upset. It was more about the fact that I’d actually believed for a second that I had any chance with him. I should’ve known he wasn’t single, and the fact that I let myself swoon over him again angered me all the more. If I ever had a chance with Spencer, the time to act on it was long gone.

Now, I had to live with that. 

“You sure you wanna stay here alone? I’ll come with you if you want me to.” 

Emilia’s question was referring to my proposal to stay in D.C for the night while she drove home. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision, but I realized I couldn’t handle being in another suffocating car ride with Emilia. It had nothing to do with her - just that I needed alone time to process everything by myself. If I knew my sister as well as I thought I did, I knew she would’ve sensed something was wrong and tried to coax me into talking about it, which I was not in the mood to do. Plus, traveling for so long made me nauseous just thinking about it. Although, I didn’t have a plan, I knew that I just wanted to hail a cab and find a hotel somewhere here for the night. 

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me. Call me when you get home.” I tapped on the back of the truck twice to let her know she was good to drive away, and I felt the car lurch forward per my request. When the truck finally did move, out from behind it appeared the tall figure of none other than Spencer. 

I was surprised, but only for a second, when that surprise turned into pain once more. Playing it cool so my afflictions wouldn’t be suspected, I nonchalantly stated, “Here’s your jacket, by the way. Sorry, I forgot to give it back to you earlier.”

I extended my arm far enough so that we’d still have a great distance between us when he went to grab it, but sure enough, my actions were all for naught when he not only refused to remove his hands from his pockets to take it but also walked two steps closer to me than he needed to be. I looked like an idiot just standing there with my arm so outstretched, only for him to not grab it and to let it simply press against his stomach as a complete avoidance of getting it back. 

“You were supposed to keep it. That’s why I didn’t ask for it back.” He curtly replied, finishing his statements with a cheeky grin. However, I wasn’t in the mood to return it. I simply stood there and shook the jacket in my hand to emphasize its presence. 

“Take it. Please.” My voice was full of contradictions. I tried to be assertive with my command, and yet my plead only softened the order and showed a defeat I wasn’t even aware of until I heard how sad it sounded. “I don’t want it, Spencer.” 

He no doubt saw the shift in my demeanor but still wouldn’t pacify me by taking the jacket. “What’s wrong? What did I do?” His voice got quieter, as if speaking any louder would shatter me in this fragile state of being. 

“Nothing, I’m just tired and I want to go home.” This wasn’t a complete lie. I was exhausted from working for hours and hours on my feet with no breaks in between, but it wasn’t exactly the full truth either. He could tell. 

“Just tell me what’s wrong.” He persisted. “Please.”

The only way I could describe what I happened next was like the vision of a boiling pot. Gradually, I was heating up until I finally got so overheated that I just boiled over and exploded. 

“What don’t you get, Spencer? I don’t want your jacket!” Fury consumed my tone. “And I don’t think your girlfriend would want that either.” 

“Girlfriend? What girlfriend? What are you talking about? I don’t have a girlfriend!” His words were flying out of his mouth at 100 mph as he desperately trying to mend what couldn’t be fixed. 

“Don’t play dumb. I saw you with that blonde girl. How close you two were standing, the way you were looking at each other.” Just having to recount the interaction made the horrid memory come back vividly into the forefront of my thoughts, and it broke my heart all over again. I shut my eyes painfully as though it would turn off the image of them together, but this only allowed for Spencer to wrap his warm hands around my upper arms and pull me closer to him without my knowing. I flinched unconsciously at the sudden feeling of his touch, to which he instantly let go. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” His hands shook with remorse for letting them touch my body in a way that elicited that reaction. They hovered in the space between us, not knowing where to go that would suddenly make things okay. “But she’s no one, okay? She’s just a coworker.” 

I wanted to believe him. I quite possibly did believe him, but there was still a sharp pain in my chest. Call it intuition. 

“No, she’s not,” I shook my head. “She’s not ‘no one’... you love her.” 

Spencer came closer but still didn’t let himself touch me again out of fear that I might draw back even further. 

“Listen to me - whatever feelings I used to have for her are long gone. She’s married, (y/n). She has a kid. And none of that even matters because the way that I used to love her is nothing compared to the way that I-” 

“Don’t.” I held my hand up in protest. “Don’t say you love me.” 

His eyebrows knit together with dismay. “Why? Why not? It’s true. I love you. I always have.” 

With one big sigh, I finally resigned to my emotions. “Then why didn’t you ever do something about it?” 

Judging by the deflation of his shoulders and the far off look he got in his eyes, he knew exactly the moment I was talking about. 

Two days after Emilia’s science fair, I drove to the library to pick up books I needed for my summer homework. I was already on my way out when I just happened to glance to my side, noticing a lone figure sitting at the bus stop. I didn’t think anything of it, but when I looked back, I partially recognized him. I shaded my eyes from the sun and squinted harder to confirm my suspicions. 

“Spencer?” I wondered out loud.

The figure’s head turned around, narrowed their eyes, and waved. He stood up from his seat and made his way over to me with a precious little jog-walk. Although we had only met once before, we still embraced each other like lifelong friends. 

“Do I finally get to know your name now?” He jokingly inquired after pulling away. 

It completely slipped my mind that I’d denied him the knowledge of my name, but for my own satisfaction, I wouldn’t let him get off that easily. 

“Do you have any guesses of it could be?” 

He pouted childishly. “Are you kidding? In a population of 350 million people, there would be about 4.4 million names. But if every country on Earth had the same nominative diversity we in the US have, that would suggest about 750 million unique names exist.”

I must admit it was fun watching him melt into a flustered mess of facts, but I was growing just as impatient as him. “Come on, just guess. You might be right.”

He rolled his eyes but indulged me willingly anyway. “Okay ... um ... Catherine.” 

“Nope.”

“Nicole.”

“Nope.”

“Gertrude.” 

“Seriously?” I raised my eyebrows. He shrugged. “Nope.”

“Olive.” 

“Pretty,” I smiled, making his face light up, too. “But no.” His smile fell. 

“This is nearly impossible.” He sighed. 

“Nothing’s impossible.” My delivery wasn’t as cheesy as the line itself, so it touched us both in a way that made that silly phrase feel like it’d never been said before. With a visible passion reignited in him, he continued. 

“Francis.”

“Okay, maybe this is impossible.” 

My blunt joke brought us closer together, our heads almost knocking into one another’s as we clutched our stomachs and leaned forward to support our all-consuming laughter. When we finally calmed down, I finally confessed. 

“Okay, okay - it’s (y/n).” 

He stood there completely silent. There was no expression of his face that indicated he planned on speaking, so I elaborated. “It’s not as good as the name Spencer, I know I know -”

“I’ve never known anyone with that name before.” His hushed voice cut into mine so innocently. 

My cheeks heated from the slight compliment. “Well, now you do. And don’t you forget it.” I teased. With nothing further to say, I brushed past him to start walking away, when unconsciously, I spun my keys around my index finger and heard the familiar jingle of the metal, reminding me of something. 

“Hey, Spencer?” I turned on my heels. “Can I give you a ride home?”

And so began our routine for the entire summer. I would bring my summer homework to the library, and Spencer would help me understand it, or even complete it, and then I’d give him a ride home. We’d go to the park and read, or we’d go to the movies, or we’d hang out at a diner. And each time, I’d drop him off. 

The more time we spent together, the more I learned about him and his life. He told me about his mom, his dad - everything. I did just the same. I told him about my mom, my dad, my siblings - everything. 

Perhaps we enjoyed spending so much time together because it was a sweet escape from our houses that weren’t homes. But every time we did hang out, we just got closer and closer, and by the end of the summer, I knew my feelings perfectly clear. 

I love Spencer. 

If missing that pool party at Melody Hanes was what it took to find the absolute love of my life, then what a small price to pay it was. I wouldn’t have traded a million pool parties for that one chance encounter with Spencer at the science fair. 

One day, we were pulling into his driveway after having a picnic at the country club, and I’d just let him out of the car, when unconsciously, I said, “Bye, Spence! Love you!” 

He caught the words faster than I did. He looked like a deer in headlights, and it took me at least two seconds more to figure out why. That entire day I’d been thinking about saying it, but by the end, I decided it’d be better not to, and yet, it just came out anyway.

“You love me?” 

There were two ways I could’ve answered. The first was to deny it and say that I only meant that I loved him like a friend. The second was to be brave and validate my unintentional confession. 

In the heat of the moment, I chose the latter. 

“Yes.” I nodded, smiling from my own courage. You only live once right?

In a cruel twist of fate, Spencer never tried to speak, and instead, ran to his front door. 

“Spencer!” I yelled. “What are you-” 

He gave me one last look over his shoulder before he opened the door and closed it right behind him. That was the last I ever saw him. 

I learned, that day, that you do only live once. 

But you can die over and over again.

From that point on, he’s lived in my mind as the one that never was. 

Regret and shame manifested on Spencer’s face. “I never wanted to hurt you.” He dejectedly began. “But I was young and-and dumb and just ... so scared. God, I was so scared.” He finally looked up, if for no other reason than to gauge my reaction. “I liked you so much, but I, I just couldn’t open myself up to the possibility of being hurt by another person I loved.”

Much like my own life, Spencer’s was riddled with traumatic experiences. Except rather than being expected to take care of younger siblings, he had to take care of his mom. And having to be a parent to your own parent? That’s something I would never wish upon anyone else. 

“I ... I get it.” It was a sweet surrender, my words. After years of pent-up aggression borne from humiliation, rejection, and deep sadness, I could finally understand. “But as selfish as it sounds, I wish your past hurt hadn’t gotten in the way of our potential happiness.” 

He took each of my hands in his, encasing them with palms of warmth. “Then don’t let the same thing happen right now. Don’t let the stupid, broken teenager I was cloud your judgement of the man I am now. Let me prove to you that I’ve changed.” 

I stood there silently, an eerie parallel to how Spencer reacted to my confession eleven years ago. 

“When I saw you, it felt like a second chance. A second chance to do what I was too afraid to do back then. And I couldn’t let myself make the same mistake twice.” His eyes were piercing through my soul. Every word plucked at my heartstrings, until I could no longer keep up with the symphony they were playing. 

There was the slightest hesitation behind it, but I did inch forward. And in no time at all, Spencer saw the movement and made his own. 

His hands released mine and shot straight for my cheeks to cup them gently, while kissing me firmly. He wasn’t the same shy boy he was, and this kiss was only proof of that. The way his lips were moving so fervently made me weak at the knees. He was so desperate and needy, like even with our lips touching, he still wasn’t close enough to me. Unleashed upon me was years of yearning wrapped in prominent lust. 

“I love you.” He blurted clumsily on my lips. I didn’t return the sentiment, but that wasn’t why he said it. He wanted to say it so I’d know, not so that I’d say it back. 

“You should know,” I muttered between kisses. “I’m not leaving D.C. until tomorrow morning.” 

The biggest smirk creeped onto his face. Bastard. 

Once we’d exhausted all the things we could possibly do in public, we ran to the nearest cab we could find and exhausted all the things we could do in that, too.

It was already past midnight when we arrived at Spencer’s apartment, and though we should’ve been quiet so as not to disturb the neighbors, we were still breaking out into a fit of giggles like a bunch of teenagers sneaking around as we ran up the stairs. We hadn’t even made it past the doormat, before he seized my hips in his hands and spun me back towards him. Forcefully, he pressed me against the door while simultaneously unlocking it. That shut me up real good, lemme tell you. 

As soon as we crossed the threshold, he gave me a reprieve when he held me closer so as to stop pinning me against the door. In an effort to do the impossible, we stumbled through his apartment in a frenzy trying to undress each other while maintaining our bodily contact. With one giant tug of the zipper on my back, my dress fell to the ground. To his atonement, he left me in just a thong. Whereas he was much too overdressed in my opinion. 

No sooner did I gracelessly unbutton his shirt than we ran into a plant against the wall. Our smiles practically ruined the kiss at the sound of the crash, but it remained nonetheless. I knew I was in for something, when Spencer paused to wait for me to unbuckle his belt. That was the first time we ever really stopped in place, but just as I anticipated, I was in for it. 

When I finally freed his waist of the garment, he just as quickly placed his hand on the back of my thigh, and in one swift motion, hoisted me into the air high enough to allow my legs to wrap around his waist. My arms were loose around his neck and the feeling of his warm hands touching my bare skin sent a chill down my spine. 

Due to Spencer’s essential hand placement on my body, I had to be the one to fumble with his bedroom’s doorknob until it finally gave way. Once more, we staggered through his room before he let our lips break apart to lightly toss me onto the bed. I giggled at the squeak of the bed, driving him visibly crazy. 

He hastily unzipped his own dress pants, while I propped myself up on my elbows. When he met me on the bed, he hovered over me to the point of having to lay back down again just to see him clearly. He felt too far away so I drew him nearer by lacing my hand through his soft curls. I twirled one around my finger, which must’ve been too merciful for him to handle. 

He placed his hand on the back of mine and slid it down to his cheek. He held my hand there for a moment, leaning into the skin of my palm prior to placing a chaste kiss on it. 

He didn’t need to say it again for me to know what he was thinking. 

I love you.

The anticipation was killing me and in the most impatient manner, I pulled him down to my level, mimicking his similar habit of face-grabbing during a kiss. I knew his hands would’ve flown to my face the way they did just minutes ago, but one was too preoccupied keeping himself up and the other was busy toying with the band of my thong. I shivered at the sensation of him slipping one finger under the material and letting it glide over my tender skin right above my heat. 

“Spencer,” I mumbled in a kiss to bring his attention back to me. Although I was certainly interested to know the hidden talents of Spencer Reid and his fingers, I was restless. I’d been waiting years for this moment, and unlike most people, I didn’t want to wait another second. “I need you now.” 

He pulled his head back so he could get a full view of my face to examine my sincerity. He wanted to know if I was sure, and my eyes told him such. He nodded in acknowledgement with such speed that I was sure he was craving this as much as I was. 

Rather than looking at where our bodies were about to meet, I had to close my eyes so I could fully feel everything without any other sense taking that away from me. In a painfully slow manner, he lined himself up at my entrance. At first, he only lightly pushed in, and it was this slacken movement that made me cry out and grip his shoulders for stability.

He pushed further in until he was fully sheathed inside of me. There was a slight moment of regret for not letting him engage in foreplay before, but that quickly went away when the pain turned to pleasure. He gained more confidence in himself with each stroke, and I could feel it. The more powerfully he thrust, the more I felt myself tightening around him. The over simulation was a stark contrast from the stimulation I denied and so the sensation I was feeling was only heightened by the absence of it before. For that very reason, I knew I was already close. And maybe he knew it, too and just as sweet revenge, he decided to send me over the edge by pulling my leg over his shoulder to thrust into me a new angle. As I’m sure he predicted, I threw my head back as tears began to prick the corners of my eyes. He rode the ever exquisite border between pain and pleasure, and my tears were a manifestation of that. Not even a minute passed, before I tried to moan but pathetically failed, not even being able finish the pitiful wail without the both of us finishing together.

Our heavy panting synchronized and reverberated back to us while he slowed down his pace and pulled out. 

Perhaps in the heat of the moment, we lost all logic and reason, considering that even up till now, neither of us had realized that he didn’t use a condom. 

But what would eventually happen in the future as a result of this action, or inaction, would surely make us remember.

Spencer lowered himself down to kiss me breathlessly; strands of his hair clung to his forehead as sweat glimmered on both of us. Not until we were ready did we make our way to the bathroom so he could help clean me up. Once we returned, I gathered my clothes, but he made sure to grab my panties before I could even notice.

“Have you seen -“ I cut myself off when I saw what was dangling in his hands.

“Looking for this?” He teased.

All my energy had been spent on him that I couldn’t be bothered to fight for them back. 

“Keep ‘em.” I smirked, my hand reaching down to pick up his jacket off the floor and hold it up. “Consider it a fair trade.”

No arguments from him. 

Needless to say, I did end up finding a place to stay the night. Where and with whom you might ask? 

Well, you can probably figure that one out for yourself. 

_ _ _

I wish I could tell you I got a good night’s rest, and I could - it just wouldn’t be the truth. 

Spencer and I spent the rest of the night just talking. We filled each other in on nearly ever second of the past 11 years, and once again, I found myself reverting back to the teenager I was at the science fair. The entire world revolved around us as we spoke to each other effortlessly, like no time had passed. Even in the periods of silence, I felt comfortable. 

Spencer and I were lying on our sides facing one another when I felt compelled to profess that “I can’t talk this way with anyone. It’s just you.” 

He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear with a small smile on his lips. He didn’t need to say that he felt the same way because I already knew. His hand never left my face but instead made its descent down my jawline and stopped at my chin. He raised his thumb to reach my lower lip, letting the pad of his finger graze over the soft skin of my lip. 

It felt like he was tracing every detail of my body, running his eyes over every inch at least twice so as to fully commit everything to his memory. 

At last, the tension broke when he positioned his hand comfortably at the back of my neck, bowing his head forward to kiss me. This one was quite different than our first, for it was gentler and warmer. We weren’t forcing ourselves to make up for lost time. In fact, this kiss was saying, “We’ve got plenty of time.” 

Plenty of time indeed. Which we were happy to spend making love again. 

And I will be the first to admit that if our first round of unprotected sex didn’t solidify our future predicament, this time certainly did. 

Six Weeks Later ...

“Hello?” Clearly frustrated, Emilia waved her hand in front of my face to harness me back to earth. I hadn’t realized I zoned out until she scoffed at me. “Did you hear anything I just said?”

“No, sorry. Could you repeat it one more time?” 

She set down the papers in front of her and sighed unhappily. “What’s going on with you? You’ve been so distant lately.” 

It hurt to hear, even though it was the truth. I wasn’t intentionally being despondent, but it’s hard to be present when there’s so much occupying your mind, and there was one thing in particular that was keeping me up late at night recently. 

My period has always been irregular. For as long as I’ve had it, I’ve always missed a few weeks, then it would become consistent, then it would be sporadic again. In fact, there was one year where I only had four periods total. So it didn’t strike me as odd when I realized three days ago that my last period was about seven weeks ago. 

What did strike me as odd was the other symptoms I was experiencing. Menstruation cycles are known to closely mimic the symptoms of pregnancy, but with the knowledge that my period wasn’t coming, it was disconcerting to me that I was suffering the discomforts without the actual period itself. 

To me, there was only one clear explanation for this anomaly. 

I was pregnant. 

Earlier in the day, I bought a pregnancy test and was late to work because of it. If Emilia hadn’t been suspicious of my behavior before, showing up late only made her suspicion greater. 

I didn’t know when I’d take it, probably at home after work, but the anticipation was eating away at me. I would pace around the truck until Emilia finally told me to stop because the vehicle wouldn’t stop swaying with my every movement. I was biting my nails and chewing on each little piece that grew back just to bite it back down to the nub. My hands couldn’t stop shaking, my breathing wouldn’t slow down. I was a hysterical mess. 

I didn’t tell Spencer any of my concerns, of course, but being as perceptive as he is, he noticed my strange mannerisms despite my best efforts to hide them. 

“Your breathing just got faster. Are you feeling okay?” He paused the movie we were watching to check in on me one time. It should be known that the scene that caused my heavier breathing was a scene of a woman finding out she was pregnant and being absolutely devastated. I quickly brushed it off as just being too warm, to which he turned on his air conditioning. Luckily for me, he didn’t make the connection. 

And it’s not that I didn’t want to tell Spencer - I really did - but why should I make a fuss about something if there ended up being nothing to worry about? That would just be extra stress, and the last thing a new, blossoming relationship needs is additional strain. 

So without Spencer, I had to opt for the next best thing - my sister.

I’d reached my wits end, and I couldn’t keep up the act any longer. I was walking on eggshells with practically everyone I knew, and I’d sooner go crazy if I didn’t tell someone what I was really feeling. So in response to her question, I finally told the truth. 

“I think I might be pregnant.” 

You can imagine the shock on my sister’s face. Emilia’s jaw became one with the floor as her eyes widened so big I thought they would pop out of her head. 

“You’re pregnant?” Already her eyes were welling up with tears of joy. 

“I don’t know yet.” I put my arms around her to keep her calm and stable while the emotions began overpowering her. I wanted it to serve as a reminder to not get her hopes up, otherwise she’d get mine up, too. 

“Well, have you taken a test?” 

I reached for my purse behind her and rummaged through it until I finally retrieved the box. Holding it up, I reluctantly suggested, “I thought maybe you could be there for me when I did?” 

She squealed with joyful elation, practically shattering the window pane with the high pitch of her voice. On top of that, she was jumping up and down with elegant grace that I had to wonder how her pregnant body could even manage to do such a thing. 

“Of course, I will! Come, come, let’s go.” 

We hopped off the truck and to the nearest restroom, which admittedly wasn’t the nicest of places, nor was the place I ever imagined as a child that I’d be finding out I was pregnant in, but it had to do for now. 

When I first came out of the stall, I set the test face down on the sink, so that we wouldn’t see it until it was ready. Emilia set a timer for 10 minutes, but in the meantime, all we could do was wait. Neither of us could stay still; Emilia bounced up and down, rubbing her belly while facilitating some sort of breathing exercise. Meanwhile, I kept tapping my foot impatiently. 

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Emilia’s alarm scared the shit out of me, and we both were startled by the blaring sound. It was so jarring, but even that wouldn’t compare to the fear I felt when I realized it was finally time. 

“Do you wanna look or should I?” She asked. 

“You look.” I said at first. But when she lunged forward to take it, I did, too. “No wait, I should.” Then another moment of hesitation. “No, you do it. I can’t.” 

I held my hands over my mouth while I watched her carefully lift the test off the sink, maneuvering it in such a way that only she would see the results. I watched her expression closely for any sign of a reaction, but she was stoic as can be. I couldn’t tell if she was disappointed, happy - nothing. Complete and total poker face. 

“Come on, Emilia! What does it say?” I blurted anxiously.

“Well, first, what do you want it to say?” 

That was a question I hadn’t considered. I was so busy worrying about what I didn’t know, to pause and think about what I wanted to find out. On the one hand, I’d be ecstatic if the test confirmed that I was pregnant. I’d jump for joy because that was what I always wanted, right? But on the other hand, if it said I wasn’t pregnant, then I’d be sort of sad because I got so close to that lifelong dream. But after that, I’d probably just be relieved to have dodged a bullet.

“I don’t know,” I confessed. “I don’t know-”

“Don’t think. Just tell me. What do you want it to say?” 

Without missing a beat, I replied, “Positive.” My sister and I alike were stunned by my answer. “Yeah,” I nodded slowly. “Positive. I want it to say positive.” I repeated, to cement my earnest desire. 

Emilia’s facade melted away as she began to shake her head. “I’m sorry, (y/n). There’s only one line.” 

We both knew what that meant, even if she didn’t explicitly say it. I sighed dejectedly, which was a surprise to even myself. I didn’t expect to be this disappointed, and yet I was. The knot it my stomach worked itself free, and where that pit used to be was just emptiness. My heart sunk and steadied itself, and my breathing resumed its normal pace. 

“Well,” I bit my lip. “I guess that’s that.” 

Emilia instantly drew nearer to pull me in for a hug, one I was not ready to accept but welcomed anyway. “I’m sorry, (y/n). But I mean, sometimes tests just come out with false negatives.” With her face still buried in the crook of my neck in our hug, she mumbled, “Not this one, though. This one’s positive.” 

Immediately, I retreated from our hug and pulled her in front of my view. The sneaky girl had a huge grin that took up 99% of her face. 

“You’re pregnant!” She screamed at the top of her lungs, shaking my body violently. We embraced each other in another hug while simultaneously jumping up and down. “I just wanted to trick you so you would know how you really feel. Now you know!” 

And I did know. I did know that I wanted this baby and that I was glad it even existed. 

Not long after our mini-celebration did I start to come down from the high of my euphoria. A certain realization dawned on me like a cloud of gray hanging above my head to rain on my parade. 

What about Spencer?

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　

PART 2 HERE!

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[ninak803]

My Star

As promised, this is something happy. Well it’s going to be happy. I guess. It’s going to have more parts, I don’t know how many yet. Also I don’t know how this is going to end, my brain didn’t tell me yet.

A huge Thank You to @heyitssmiller for proof reading! And I borrowed some loveley characters from @lumosinlove, they make a small “guest appearance” here (maybe they come back later!)

Have fun reading!

Part 1

“Next please!” 

Remus walked forward and looked at the woman behind the counter. She smiled at him.

“Let me guess… Earl Grey, extra large, no milk, no sugar?”

Remus smiled and nodded.

“So you didn’t sleep much last night? Had fun?”, she grinned a bit. 

Remus laughed.

“No, not really. I just had a lot to do. So… NOT the things you’re having in mind, Marlene.”

She took care of his cup of tea, but looked over her shoulder to look at him and winked.

“Sure, Remus, sure.”

Remus sighed. All he did last night was going through his essay for one of his psychology classes that was due tomorrow. He spent the last two weeks working on it just to throw it all over last night, because all he wrote was rubbish! And now he had to do the work of two weeks in two nights. So… No he really didn’t have much fun.

Marlene handed him his tea.

���Be careful, it’s hot and the lid is loose, so you can get rid of the tea bag later.”

“Thanks.” Remus smiled and gave her the money. “See you later in class?”

Marlene nodded.

“See you later, Remus.”

He stepped aside to make space for the next customer, then turned around and headed for the door. On his way out he stumbled and spilled his tea. Remus cursed. He looked to the ground to see the rug where he stumbled over. Damn rug. 

Remus heard someone curse quietly. He looked to where the voice came from, right into the face of a man standing in front of him, tugging on his white button down shirt, where a large brown spot was now. 

Remus must have spilled his tea over him. Oh god, how embarrassing. 

The man looked up and Remus looked right into his eyes. Large, stormy grey eyes. Eyes that took his breath away for a second.

Remus swallowed, then said: “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

The other man just waved his hand in a dismissive way, then smiled. 

“Don’t worry, I wanted to get rid of this shirt for a long time now. I just never had a reason. So I guess I have to thank you for ruining it.” he said with a wink. 

Remus blinked. He looked at the other man, smiling at Remus. With a really bright smile, an honest smile. 

“Still… I’m really sorry… I hope I didn’t burn you or anything…” Remus said.

The other one put a hand on his shoulder briefly.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry. I’m good, okay? Nothing happened. Have a nice day.” he said to Remus, then stepped forward to order his coffee.

“Yeah… You too.” he said lamely, after the other one was already gone. 

He stepped outside now. Taking a deep breath. What was that? He glanced back over his shoulder to have another look at that man.

He was standing with his back to Remus, waiting for his order. He had shoulder long, dark, curly hair. Hair Remus wished he could run his fingers through.

Oh come on, Lupin. Get a grip on yourself. You literally just met him. You don’t know him. 

Remus shook his head to get rid of his thoughts. He had so much to do today, so he better forget this encounter.

He started walking through the small park next to the coffee shop. It was a sunny day and it was already pretty warm despite the fact that it was still early in the morning. Three boys were already enjoying the weather, two of them sitting on a park bench and the third, a brown haired boy with a snapback, squeezing himself between the other two. He gave the redhead with the freckles to his right a kiss on the cheek, then the tall blonde one to his left. They laughed and the blonde one said something that made the one with the snapback smile. The redhead and the blonde put their arms around his shoulders. 

Remus smiled. He loved love. And he loved the display of love.

Remus just didn’t have someone to love at the moment. And that was okay, he’s too busy with his classes anyway.

Remus sat down on one of the benches, drinking what was left of his tea and enjoying the nice, warm sun on his skin, before he had to head to his first class of the day.

----------

Marlene walked to him after his last class. She was grinning. Remus sighed.

“I didn’t make you that tea so you could spill all of it over this good looking pal!” she exclaimed.

“Thanks for reminding me, Marls. As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough, to know that the whole coffee shop watched us makes it so much better.”

“Any time.” she was grinning from ear to ear now.

They walked over the campus together, talking about their classes. 

“Okay, I have to go now… I still have so much to do today. See you tomorrow.” Remus said to her.

“See ya.” Marlene replied, as they parted ways.

-----------

“I’m home, mom.” Remus said as he entered the main door of their small one level house. 

His mom appeared at the door to the kitchen.

“You’re already back, honey? I thought you’d enjoy the nice weather outside!”

“Don’t have time for that right now. I have to finish this essay... “

“Oh Remus… You’re working way too much… Enjoy your life sometimes!”

“Mom… this essay is due tomorrow. And I’m enjoying my life, by the way. I love my classes, okay?”

“Still… It’s not the same. You’re young. You should go out with your friends, maybe meet a nice boy, have fun.” Hope Lupin said with a worried undertone.

Remus knew she was right. He did work a lot for his classes, but on the other hand he wanted to finish them as soon as possible, so his mom doesn’t have to pay for everything anymore. Money was short in the Lupin household. They both knew it.

“I’m meeting Lily on Saturday, after my shift at the restaurant. So don’t worry about me. I’m doing perfectly fine, okay?” he said to her.

“If you say so.” she still looked sceptical at him.

Remus sighed quietly and went to his bedroom. He took his laptop out of his bag and started working on that goddamn essay. 

-------

Remus was on the phone talking to Lily, while he was walking home from the restaurant after his shift. 

“I’m almost home. I have to take a shower, then I walk over to you, yeah?” he said to Lily.

“I could pick you up. Marlene lent me her car, so we don’t have to walk to James.”

“Oh thank God for Marlene. I don’t have to freeze my ass off then. Tell her I love her, will you?” Remus was grinning.

“Sure.” Remus could hear Lily grinning as well. “I’ll be at yours in half an hour. Is that okay for you?”

“Half an hour, then. I’ll be ready.”

Remus took a quick shower to get rid of all the smells that came with working at a restaurant. He did that on the weekends and on his free days to earn a bit of extra money, so his mom doesn’t have to pay for everything by herself. At least Remus could help her out a little bit that way. 

He changed into a pair of dark jeans and into the warm, maroon sweater Lily gave him last christmas. He walked to his mom then.

“Lily will be here any minute. I’ll come back late, don’t wait for me. Okay?”

Hope smiled at him.

“Have fun, darling.”

Remus smiled at her while he slipped into his light grey coat. He pulled a beanie over his head,his hair still wet from the shower, as the door rang. 

“Bye mom!” he called over his shoulder as he headed for the door.

He went outside and hugged Lily.

They drove to James, talking about their week. Marlene had told Lily about the “Tea Incident” of course. Remus rolled his eyes. Lily laughed. 

“Don’t worry. It’s not very likely that you’ll meet him again. It’s a big city after all.”

“I know… I just wish Marlene would stop talking about it. She’s telling everyone I know about it, isn’t she?”

“Oh I bet she is.” Lily grinned.

She parked the car in front of the building where James’ flat was inside.

“James told me his new flatmate moved in today, so we’re going to meet him I guess.” she told Remus as he rang the door.

“Sounds good” he replied.

The door opened after a while and Remus looked straight into a pair of stormy grey eyes.

[raeynbowboi]

Bob’s Burgers 10th Anniversary Retrospective

After ten years, Bob, Linda, and the Kids are just as delightfully wacky and endearing as they ever were, and show no signs of slowing down. So I wanted to put together an ultra mega review of the series. I’ll give an opinion on main and recurring characters, as with a cast this big, there’s been a lot of endearing characters to grace the show over the years. However, I will only be counting characters that have appeared more than once. After ten years, there’s been some real gems, and some real misfires. So, I’ll be counting down my top 10 best episodes, and the bottom 10 worst episodes. I’ll also go through as a Highlight Reel, by picking a best and worst episode of each season, as well as crowning the Best Season with the most good episodes.

Bob Belcher

Honestly, Bob was a very easy character to mess up. He’s the straight man to his wacky family’s antics. But the show does a really great job making Bob simple and lowkey without making him boring or a stick in the mud. He may be resistant to weird things, but he puts up with it anyway to make his family happy.  While he’s the serious straight man, they don’t fail to give Bob his own eccentricities and quirks that make him relatable and funny in his own way. Whether he’s making things talk, getting weirdly excited about Thanksgiving, or his awkward way of speaking, Bob is genuinely a good and relatable character. It’s also nice to see that Bob is a great husband and a loving father. He and Linda argue from time to time, but they’re not trapped in a loveless marriage for the kid’s sake like most shows. And even shows where that’s not a selling point like American Dad, Bob shows more remorse for things like forgetting their anniversary than Stan does for Francine. Bob is supportive, loving, and forgiving. Which is just amazing to watch. The times when his kids really need him, he’s there for them, and he helps them through their problems. While Bob might fight with and get mad with or annoyed by his family, Bob never treats them like people he’s stuck with. Frankly, Bob blows most animated TV dads out of the water. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Stan or Francine give quiet supportive talks to Steve or Hayley ever in American Dad. Peter used to at least try to be a decent father, but now is a negligent toddler. Likewise, Homer used to be a great father who cared about his kids, but later seasons have really stepped away from the family angle the Simpsons used to have. In a sea of adult animated families that are toxic and destructive, Bob’s genuine love for his family came as a breath of fresh air.

Linda Belcher

Linda is by far the best Adult Animation TV mom there is. For one thing, she’s funnier than Francine, Lois, and Marge combined. But more importantly, she’s not the butt of the joke when it happens. I can only really remember laughing at Francine when they make dumb blonde jokes with her, but Linda’s jokes come from her character. She could have easily been the gender inverted Homer or Peter, but the writers are careful to make her gullible, trusting, and goofy without making her a moron. When the kids do something wrong, Linda busts out the tough mom act and you genuinely believe that the kids are in trouble. She’s not faking it. She’s not off in her own little world. She’s a bit of a goofy dreamer, but she’s able to be the tough disciplinarian when she needs to be. Her relationship with Bob is also better than most adult animation wives. She’s more independent than the other housewives, and even though her job is working with her husband, it never feels like it robs Linda of her own power, autonomy, and freedom. But the best thing about Linda is that I think most people can agree, she has an extremely strong and charming personality that endears us to her.

Tina Belcher

I really wish I could say I liked Tina more. She’s a creative romantic, just like me. I should love her. But her monotone deliveries and awkwardness isn’t as endearing as Bob’s. I like her better in episodes like Teen-A Witch and Broadcast Wagstaff School News where she has a bit stronger of a personality. But unfortunately, Tina is my least favorite member of the Belcher family, which isn’t to say that I hate her, she just doesn’t shine as bright as the rest of her family. She’s just not very funny or interesting on her own. But on the plus side, at least I don’t find Tina to be annoying or terrible except in the rare bad episode.

Gene Belcher

Gene is the only member of the family that can regularly get my dad to laugh, and with good reason. If he wasn’t such a well of nonsequitor punchlines, Gene would probably be the worst member of the family, but boy howdy do those random jokes pick up the slack. Gene is genuinely hilarious, even if I’d only rank him above Tina in terms of favoritism. However, I find that most Gene-centric episodes to be lackluster or below average. I think Gene’s best episode is probably Y Tu Ga-Ga Tambien, but of the best episodes, none really come to mind that specifically star Gene. Gene is really better suited for a supporting role, and his times as the star showcase why comic reliefs aren’t the main character. They’re support characters for a reason. That’s not to say Gene-centric episodes are terrible. They just tend to range from about average to bad. Though Y Tu Ga-Ga Tambien is a pretty good one.

Louise Belcher

Bob and Linda saved the best for last because Louise is the breakout star of the show. Funny, interesting, and the focus of many of the better episodes, Louise stands proudly on the first place podium with Linda in 2nd and Bob taking 3rd place. I think Louise’s strengths are especially due to her standoffish and naughty personality, which has lent itself to a lot of good character growth episodes. Season 10 Louise seems a lot more mature than Season 1 Louise. I think Louise works because while she does often have clever or sneaky solutions to problems, they don’t forget that she’s 9, so unlike Stewie, her age does present hurdles and barriers to her schemes and plans.

The Best and Worst of Bob’s Burgers

#10 WORST: Pro-Tiki/Con-Tiki (S6e15)

Why couldn’t Warren Fitzgerald just put that $100,000 into advertisements or to help Bob buy better equipment for his restaurant? My biggest issue with this episode isn’t the episode itself, it’s that the ending makes no sense. Warren wants to help Bob because he has a form of riches Warren lacks, and Bob doesn’t want a corporate sponsor to make changes to his brand. But why can’t Warren just give Bob the money to make choices he wants to make? They could stay as business partners, but Bob doesn’t have to sacrifice his personal vision for the restaurant. It’s just really frustrating when they’re both being too stupid and stubborn to see the obvious solution in front of their faces.

#10 BEST: Teen-a Witch (S7e03)

One of Tina’s best episodes, as someone who had a goth phase myself and dabbled a tiny amount in ‘witchcraft’, this episode brings back memories of high school and the desire to make the world what I wanted it to be. But on top of that, Tina with a backbone is when she really shines as a character, mostly because it means her humor isn’t being derived from her being awkward.

#9 WORST: Live and Let Fly (S9e05)

Mr. Frond embarrasses the kids, and they team up with Up-Skirt Kurt to get revenge against his sister and Mr. Frond. I’m not a fan of Kurt, so I already don’t care much about his feud with his sister, but I also just find the episode kind of boring. I don’t care about Kurt, I don’t care about his feud, and the kids call off their revenge, so that ends up not mattering either. Even Bob and Linda’s side plot is only middle-of-the-road quality for Bob’s Burgers.

#9 BEST: Wharf Horse/World Wharf II (S4e21-22)

The very first two-part episode Bob’s Burgers ever had, the season 4 finale is a great watching experience. It has some fun songs, funny character exchanges, suspenseful drama, and some heartfelt moments. It feels like a short movie, and that’s a good thing for a two-part episode to do. Even Fanny and Felix are interesting villains. But even after everything Felix did, I don’t find myself loathing him in later episodes, and that’s a hard thing to accomplish.

#8 WORST: Tina-Rannosaurus Wrecks (S3e07)

This is the only bad Tina episode where the problem isn’t Tina herself. My biggest issue with this episode is more just the subject matter. Bob lies for insurance reasons about who was driving his car, and the entire episode is just Bob and Tina digging a deeper and deeper hole for themselves. The solution to the issue is clever enough to redeem the episode somewhat, but the majority of the watching experience is just kind of an awkward dance of watching these two getting tangled up in a web of lies.

#8 BEST: The Taking of Funtime One Two Three (S9e02)

Bar none, this is the single best ‘Heist’ episode of Bob’s Burgers, and it’s kind of crazy that Bob’s Burgers has actually built a repertoire to where I can make a list of ‘heist’ episodes as an archetype. This one feels the most like an actual heist movie, and the ending is legitimately clever and unexpected. But even more than that, if you’re paying attention, you can see the twist before the characters even reveal it. That is the kind of tight writing that makes the list for best episodes.

#7 WORST: A Fish Called Tina (S10e12)

Tina spends an episode trying way too hard to make someone like her, to the point that she almost humiliates a 4th grader in public just so she can live out some fantasy. It’s really uncomfortable and sickening to watch Tina do this. This will be a recurring issue with Tina’s low-point episodes. There’s nothing fun about watching a character make a complete idiot out of themselves by coming on too strong. It even makes me groan when Kaylie shows up in another Season 10 episode because I don’t want to have to think about this awful episode.

#7 BEST: Stand By Gene (S6e12)

Something about this episode really just brings back memories of my childhood. Memories of walking through the outdoors, just exploring and wanting to find things. The characters are funny, and Bob and Linda’s relationship is put to the test. Plus, I loved that for the entire episode, you don’t know how it’ll end. It really makes this a personal favorite and one of the episodes I knew had to make it on my list.

#6 WORST: The Grand Mama-Pest Hotel (S7e13)

Linda ruins things for Tina by being an overbearing annoyance. Are you noticing a trend with Bob’s Burgers’ worst episodes? I don’t like it when good characters make complete jackasses out of themselves in the name of ‘humor’. It’s not funny. It’s annoying and makes me dislike them. Thankfully, the worst of it is only in the latter half of the 2nd act and the entire third act, but Linda’s behavior just makes me cringe and ask why they had to do Linda dirty like this? It just puts me even more squarely on the side that Tina is entirely in the right and I don’t want to deal with Lind either.

#6 BEST: Broadcast Wagstaff School News (S3e12)

From Tina at her lowest point to Tina at her best, Broadcast Wagstaff School News is my favorite episode of the first 5 seasons. Tina’s funny and engaging, Gene is absolutely shining as Little Bob, and while Louise and Linda play supporting roles in this episode, they’re still funny as well. Plus, the mystery is a good one, and this episode is even referenced in later seasons.

#5 WORST: Mazel-Tina (S4e13)

Tina ruins Tammy’s birthday and steals her party. This is Tina at rock bottom. Tina is so despicable, cruel, and selfish in this episode that it reminds me that behind that creative awkward girl is a selfish brat who doesn’t care if she hurts other people if she can live out her fantasies. If other episodes didn’t rescue Tina from being so unlikable, I probably would hate Tina as a character entirely for her behavior in this episode.

#5 BEST: The Silence of the Louise (S8e02)

Movie parodies are some of the best, and The Silence of the Louise is the queen of all the movie parodies. When Mr. Frond’s therapy dolls are mutilated, and the school staff calls off the waterpark trip until the culprit is caught, Louise teams up with psycho Millie to figure out whodunnit. This is also one of the first time Millie wasn’t strictly an antagonist, and she genuinely felt like someone who could be Louise’s friend someday.

#4 WORST: Boywatch (S8e16)

Tina ruins things for other people by coming on too strong. The only reason this is ranked higher than Mozel-Tina is because in that episode, she just wanted to be at the party, and just kind of ended up as the star of the party and let it go to her head, whereas here, she is actively ruining things for other people in pursuit of her own delusions and fantasies. Tina has no desire to be a junior lifeguard, but cute boys causes her to behave like a troublemaker. She’s entirely out of character, and her teammates’ hate for her behavior is something I agree with. I don’t want to hate the main characters, so why does this show keep pushing to make Tina a nuisance who ruins experiences for other people?

#4 BEST: The Quirkducers (S7e06)

If the Silence of the Louise is the queen of film parodies, then The Quirkducers is the king. Not only is it a clever parody of The Producers, but it also has some damn good musical numbers, especially the edited end credit version. But it’s Tina’s song at the end that stands as one of my favorites of all Bob’s Burgers’ songs.

#3 WORST: Bed & Breakfast (S1e07)

If a Fish Called Tina is bad, then Bed & Breakfast is flaming garbage. Linda turns their apartment into a Bed and Breakfast, and Linda goes berserk when the guests don’t play into her expectations. This episode verges from below average to detestable as Linda goes insane and locks people in their rooms, and Louise drives a grown man to attack workers by preying on his fear. 

#3 BEST: The Hauntening (S6e03)

This is hands-down the best Halloween episode that Bob’s Burgers ever made. This show turns out some amazing holiday episodes, and this is one of the best the Belchers have to offer. I won’t dare give away anything about this episode. If you’ve seen it, you know why it’s top of the heap, and if you haven’t, then all I can say is what are you waiting for? Delayed gratification has to pay off eventually.

#2 WORST: Every Which Way But Goose (S9e14)

Tina falls in love with a goose. Who smoked crack before writing this episode, and who huffed enough paint thinner to approve this episode for production? This is the absolute dumbest concept for an episode I have ever come across. Who thought this was a good idea? I can’t even pinpoint the flaws because this entire episode is just so flawed. At least Mazel-Tina and Boywatch enrage me. This just baffles me.

#2 BEST: A Few Gurt Men (S7e11)

When Mr. Ambrose accuses Mr. Frond of stealing his yogurt from the faculty lounge, the case is brought before student court, and Louise is tasked with acting as Defense Council for Mr. Frond. One thing Bob’s Burgers does well is mysteries, and this is a good one as Louise has to figure out a way to prove Frond’s innocence. This is just an absolute personal favorite. Every character is just on point, and I get excited when the episode starts to que up.

#1 WORST: Moody Foodie (S2e07)

Did you ever want to watch the Belchers commit a felony? Then boy howdy do I have an episode for you! A picky food critic responsible for shutting down restaurants comes to Bob’s Burgers. Bob messes up the order, and a visit to the critic’s house to get him to try his burger again leads to a hostage situation with the critic tied to a chair and gagged in his own home. Words cannot describe the depth to which I hate this episode. The entire episode feels dirty and vile. I feel the need to scrub my skin raw after sitting through this episode. The instant I realize that it’s come on, I skip the the next one. I have literally only sat through this episode once. This episode disgusts me. This episode has the main character, abduct somebody in their own home. Then they take a second hostage when a mailman delivers the guy’s package. Luckily, Bob’s Burgers has a lot of good episodes to make up for this one bad egg, but this episode enrages me to the point that if the family wasn’t so charming and endearing most of the time, I might have stopped watching based just on this one episode.

#1 BEST: The Bleakening: Part 1 & 2 (S8e06-07)

The first time I saw these episodes, they played back to back without any credits in between them, and I thought it was one episode, and I didn’t even realize it was the length of two episodes. Between the amazing songs, the brain bending twists, the creative creature, the dark elements that contrast the bright lights of the holidays, and the uplifting ending, this pair of episodes stands paramount as the single greatest viewing experience that Bob’s Burgers has to offer.

Favorite Friend of the Kids: Regular-Sized Rudy

First appearing in Carpe Museum, Rudy came back in The Kids Rob a Train, where he has remained a friend of the kids since. Rudy was the first to join the kids if you don’t count Andy and Ollie who seem to dip in and back out as to whether they’re included in the friend group. Rudy was thus the first to be made a main member of the kids’ friend group.

Favorite Schoolyard Seven: Jocelyn

The Schoolyard Seven is the friend group of the three Belchers, Jimmy Jr., Zeke, Tammy, and Jocelyn. Not counting the Belchers, it was a close call between Zeke and Jocelyn. Tammy and Jimmy Jr. tend to be typecast as serving one niche thing, but Zeke and Jocelyn are often the comedic gold. However, while Zeke is more interesting of the two, I just enjoy Jocelyn too much to not give her the win. Even if Jocelyn’s humor is just a walking dumb blonde trope, like Gene, Jocelyn has a knack for funny one-liners. If the groups has another name, I’m not privy to it.

Favorite Friend of the Family: Micky

Though he’s less connected to the family now, Micky has been a friend to the Belchers since Bob Day Afternoon, and returning in Bob Fires the Kids. Since his introduction, Micky has gotten a job at Wonder Wharf, where he has remained since.

Favorite Recurring Villain: Logan Bush

First appearing in Ears-y Rider, Logan has been a fun and interesting frenemy for Louise to match wits with. In a show where most other villains are the same age as the main characters (Millie, Tammy, Chloe, Jimmy Pesto, Hugo) Logan stands out as a legitimate bully. Yet, even he was willing to work with Louise in Mother-Daughter Laser Razor, showing that there is wiggle room for the two of them to even join forces and spread havoc together.

Favorite Tina Love Interest: Duncan

Earnest if not a little awkward, Duncan seems like a sweet boy for Tina to possibly end up with. Sasha Whiteman is another character I could easily see being a good boyfriend to Tina because his quick wit and social graces make him a great foil to Tina, and he excels where Tina falls short. Zeke has a good chance to be a good boyfriend, but Tina still spits his name when she greets him, so I doubt she’d take interest in him unless something happens to change their dynamic. I liked Josh, but now that he’s said he doesn’t like her anymore and she agreed that she feels the same, I doubt we’re going to see them date further in the future.

Favorite Side Character: Nat Kinkle the Limo Driver

First appearing in Season 8 episode 8 V for Valentine-detta, I must not be the only fan of Nat’s because she made two appearances in the 10th season, in episode 1 The Ring (But Not Scary) and episode 17 Just the Trip. Currently with only 3 appearances, she’s still only a side character, but I get the feeling that like with Rudy, Courtney, Darrel and Alex before her, Nat will keep becoming a more frequent character. She just has a great vibe, and her charisma is intoxicating. She meshes great with the family, making her an absolute delight to watch.

Favorite Bit Character: Marshmallow

Although she’s appeared in multiple episodes since her introduction in Sheesh, Cab Bob, Marshmallow has never gotten much more than a couple lines, with her biggest role being in The Bleakening where she had more to say. She was also the first major LGBT+ recurring character on the show, which also made her a joy to see, whenever she returned to Bob’s Burgers.

Favorite Headcanon: Gene is Genderfluid

Gene’s jokes have been centered on his gender or sexuality since the first season finale. A joke once in a while is one thing, but ten years of the same sorts of jokes tells the sharp viewer that there’s more to it than just a running gag. With how many jokes have Gene talk about having boobs, synching his cycle, or calling himself Tina and Louise’s sister or Bob and Linda’s daughter, it’s my opinion that Gene is genderfluid, or possibly even transgender. The only reason I say genderfluid over a transgirl is because he still also addresses himself as a boy or a man as much as he does girl jokes.

Best Song: Twinkly Lights (Ms. XXX-Mas)

Not only does Toddrick Hall absolutely kill this performance, but I also love the meaning of the song about POC inclusivity and pride in the LGBT+ community. As the final song in The Bleakening, it’s one hell of a closing number, and I can’t help but dance in my seat whenever it plays. I’ve even listened to it independent from watching the show, and honor I don’t bestow on every song.

Best Episode Archetypes:

The Best Heist: The Taking of Funtime One Two Three

The Belcher kids have stolen a number of things. Chocolate, a bounce house, but the absolute creme de la creme of their heists is the procuring of the Dunebuggy from Family Funtime. When Family Funtime unplugs the macchines whenver the kids get too many tickets from them, the kids decide to pull off the heist of a century to make off with the biggest prize of the arcade: the dune buggy.

The Kids Tell An Anthology: Moms, Lies, and Videotapes

From the Gayle Tales to The Handyman Can, the kids have told a number of anthology stories, but the most impressive of the bunch is their stories of the mother’s day plays into three interesting stories. Though true to form, Gene’s is the weakest of the three, as his usually are. I don’t recall any time when his anthology was the best of the kids’, but then, Gene is not the most creative of the three children. His best story is probably in The Frond Files where his story’s world is colorful and fun to observe.

Best Musical Episode: The Bleakening

Not only do these episodes have a lot of musical numbers, but there is not a single one that doesn’t hit a home run. But more importantly, the entire episode is a musical, with each number helping to tie and bridge together the narrative, which is the entire purpose of musical numbers in a proper musical, which makes this the single best musical episode mainly because it’s the only episode that’s a true blue musical.

Best Holiday Episode: The Hauntening

With The Bleakening already taking the top spot for musical episodes, that leaves the Miss Congeniality of the holiday episodes to take the crown. I didn’t spoil anything about this episode above, and I won’t say a thing about it now. This episode is solid gold.

Best Film Parody: The Quirkducers

Not only is this episode clever in the way it uses its source material, but the family all have moments to shine despite the stars being Louise and Gene. The show also makes good use of the Schoolhouse Seven (the main group of the Belcher Kids, Jimmy and Zeke, and Tammy and Jocelyn), and each of them brings something great to the episode. It undoubtedly earned its place in the top 10, and will likely hold its place for years to come.

[earthlyemily]

I’m struggling so much financially and honestly just wanted to vent somewhere. I’ve always lived in poverty and I think in my whole life I’ve had maybe 2 years where I didn’t have to stress about money and not be able to buy groceries or pay rent or be put into collections for not being able to make payments etc and that was when I was in college. For at least the past 5 years I’ve been struggling but I never talk about it. I don’t even know where to start haha I don’t even know what it’s like to not stress financially and be in debt. I’ll just start with the first things that come to mind with what I’m owing maybe. So it’s Dec. 23 and rent was due yesterday because we moved into this small suite attached to someone’s house on Nov. 22. It’s $1200 which is so expensive, but also the average price for BC if not even cheaper for a one-bedroom with a yard, utilities included. and no first and last, no pet deposits, etc because this is just short them for 4 months until the end of March because i reached out and asked and they said yes.

After 1 month I already remember why we went into the trailer almost 2 years ago and it’s literally because we can’t afford any other lifestyle. I think that’s the difference between us and some people that live in trailers, vans, etc. like we lived in a mouse & mouse shit infested trailer for 6 months breathing in their feces and urine and having it all over all our belongings. i literally had to take my whole life to the dump and we officially have no food storage because they ruined it all. there were at least 50-60 mice because a few birth cycles happened in the ceiling. I could write a whole post about my experience of living with field mice, but now isn’t the time so for rent, i only had $600 yesterday so that’s what I gave them. thank goodness they were okay with me asking for a few more days to make the other half. but I don’t even know when that’s going to be :(

my etsy shop veganveins has been doing so bad lately for more than one reason, most of my orders are just postcards and stickers, and while I’m grateful for them, that $1-3 profit isn’t going to keep my business going. and it’s so hard for me to work lately. the wifi doesn’t work sometimes for hours and I always get distracted by shawn and the dogs working from home in a small space. I need to get better at my time management. I got up at 8:30 today which is actually early for me so I’m proud of myself. I’m chronically ill and I really need to go get a blood test and see what’s happening because I haven’t gotten one since being diagnosed with graves disease again 1.5 years ago. anyways. i switched to a print on demand method this year for veganveins for some shirts and sweaters because i couldn’t afford to keep ordering shirts in bulk, and it’s honestly been so, so expensive and i barely make any profit. I’m currently owing my t-shirt printer $999 on one invoice (it was originally $2196 so I’ve at least paid half of it) but that was 2 weeks ago and I still need to pay it. Mario, my t-shirt printer has been with me since I started veganveins and I’m so grateful he gives me extensions on paying the invoices. every other t-shirt printer I’ve ever asked has said no. in addition to the $999 there’s going to be another $2200 invoice I’ll be receiving this week for my last order. I think because of the holidays he’s going to give me some time to pay off that too, but the problem is when I have outstanding invoices he doesn’t print new orders for me. He’s closed now until Jan. 4 so I just need to somehow make that much before then.

btw I don’t have a credit card ($8500 all used on veganveins and it got put into collections last march) and I had a fully used $5000 line of credit but I got a debt consolidation loan for $16,000 1 month ago and my payment for that is $167 a month. it fully paid off and closed my credit card and line of credit + $3000 overdraft which is nice. but now I don’t have any extra money except for what comes in. my credit is only 640 which is really bad in canada so I won’t get approved for a new credit card or loan until I build that up, which is going to be a few months of regular payments. so for regular payments, the $167 for the loan is due on Dec. 27. Yesterday the trailer loan which is literally unliveable from what the mice did until we renovate it came out for $260, that’s how much I pay once a month for it on the 22nd. I didn’t have $260 in my account so it got rejected and I got charged a $48 NSF fee. omg if anyone is reading this long i’m shook. i’m genuinely just writing this for myself to process my feelings and in case anyone was curious about my financial situation here you go haha. maybe some of you can relate, maybe some can’t. anyways. so now I somehow have to get $260 in my account for that for when they try to take it out again in the next few days.

another payment that was supposed to come out yesterday but hasn’t, but I’m sure will come out today is our truck loan. they deferred it for 8 months because of covid which was so nice, but we started paying it again 2 months ago. for both those months I called and made my payment a later date and that helped, but there’s barely any service here so when I called 4 times yesterday to try and change the date the payment comes out, I was on hold for 20-30 mins then my phone would disconnect and hang up. so that’s $586 and it will come out today, I have $0.46 in my account right now so it will get rejected and I’ll get charged another $48 NSF fee. this is why being poor always costs more and the banks are always harsher on those who don’t have money. today I’ll try calling again to see if I can ask for it to come out on a different day like january 10 instead, so I can first have time to pay rent and the trailer and also our $190 truck insurance which got rejected from my account 3 days ago, which was another $48 NSF fee. oh and something else i’m so stressed about is CIBC is going to put me into collections on December 28 if I don’t pay $1000, $700 of which is purely their fees. I have a $300 overdraft which they said i have to cover by then and the $700 is literally their $48 fees added up over the past 3 months. I got a text from them today saying my account is over and it’s because an amnesty international $11 monthly donation came out and obvi there’s no money in there, so that’s another $48 they charged. they’ve already given me a month to pay it and don’t want to wait any longer :(

I owe everyone in my family money, my sister $1650, my mom $700 and my brother also lent me $700. none of my siblings have money either and my mom definitely doesn’t so I hate that i had to borrow that much, and it’s literally been months. thankfully they’re so patient but i can’t wait to not owe them that

omg and i can’t even think about the amount of money shawn’s grandma has lent us. she’s genuinely the only reason we haven’t been completely homeless. but it’s a lot. like i don’t even want to say the number on here. she let us use it from her line of credit over the years and we’ve been slowly paying her back, but she lets us go months at a time without making a payment which i honestly hate doing, but have no choice. i’ve felt a lot of shame and guilt about this, but I also know that she genuinely would rather help us than see us suffer.

so i’m gonna talk about a big reason I’m broke this month especially - saving a pig named buster. his rescue cost me $1850 out of pocket that I didn’t have. but otherwise he was going to be killed in 2 days, he was my baby and I loved him so I had to do it. I somehow made $1350 that went towards it but I’m still owing $500, which I just asked for an extension for today until the new year. i’m not really supposed to talk about it but everything I’ve ever posted here has stayed here, so that cost was literally just from me buying the pig off the farmer. myself along with everyone else ive talked to is disgusted that he charged that much, but he wasnt budging and if that’s what it was going to take, of course I’m going to do it. I wouldn’t think twice about doing it for my dogs and Buster was smarter and more affectionate than them. i love him and I’m so happy he was saved. a non-profit organization transported him to a sanctuary and it was my biggest wish come true and the happiest moment I’ve had all year. my eyes are literally tearing up haha i love him so much. i could write a whole post about his neglect but basically he hasn’t had fresh water in weeks, he was only being fed handfuls of mixed nuts, he was constantly dirty in a muddy enclosure with an electric fence that he was always getting shocked on. he never got true love or affection except for when I gave him it. i posted an instagram story about him and asked people to message me and that i needed help, 2 people donated $111 and $120 each, and 2 other people donated $15 and $12. Someone also e-transferred me $20. These 4 donations equaled almost $300 ($277) and I was so grateful for those people wanting to help me help buster. if anyone else wants to help me with the cost of his rescue i still do need help and would appreciate it so much. this feels really weird and vulnerable for me to do and i’m sorry if anyone is annoyed by this post, I just genuinely am struggling and figured if someone does have extra and wants to help, there isn’t harm in that. but i do feel guilty for asking because i know there are so many other people struggling out there that need even more help than i do :(

i haven’t talked about it publically but i guess I will now, this farmer that I bought buster off of is the owner of the organic vegetable farm i was living and working at this past spring and summer. we worked really hard all summer to be able to stay there and park for free in the winter, but this past fall he told us no one was allowed to stay at the farm anymore, including us, so we had to find a new place to bring our 14ft trailer in to live. so that was an unexpected bummer and if we had known we wouldn’t be allowed staying there anymore (despite doing the labour of $1200 a month for free harvesting organic kale, for an off-grid spot he told us was worth $350 a month to park) we wouldn’t have driven 8 hours with the trailer and we would have stayed in the snow in northern BC and sucked it up and lived on the land we got the opportunity to rent this fall. Donna, the woman who is renting the land to us has been the biggest blessing in my life this year. I love her so much. Basically, she’s letting us live on 170 acres for $600 a month. letting us do whatever we want on the land (building a cabin, setting up rainwater catchment systems, having a solar passive greenhouse and a huge garden) LIKE WHAT. we could even open a farm sanctuary if we had money, i wanted to so bad but obviously that dream didn’t even come close to being reality. opportunities like this literally don’t exist in canada, especially not in BC. i cant even process my gratitude, i cry everytime i think about it. when we go back in the spring it’s going to be the beginning of the rest of our life :) i want to rescue so many senior dogs. everything we’ve always wanted to do we’ll be able to do, assuming we have money haha. but i want to have an organic farm and grow veggies to donate to families in need, especially since we live on stolen indiginious land and I see how the goverment actively restricts their access to fresh healthy produce. but anyways by then it was too dangerous to drive 8 hours back hauling a trailer in the snow and it was just easier to stay in the okanagan until the spring. i know the farmer probably doesn’t realize this and he’s also probably struggling financially but not being able to stay at the farm for the winter months we worked for, and buying buster for that price is a big reason I’m in the financial stress I am now so I figured i’d talk about it.

anyways. i think this is long enough and i think anyone reading this gets the point, i’m drowning in debt, my small business is almost costing me more to run and i’m not making nearly enough profit to live, the past few months ive been living off grid (not by choice) and just focused literally on surviving and not freezing and getting water etc and not having service or internet has affected me negatively. there’s internet now in the suite I’m in, it works really good in the morning and not as well at night, like for example tumblr doesn’t work past 5 pm for me to post photos. but ive been in a bad sleep schedule since i got here that i need to change. im sick and i need to heal myself. tomorrow i’ll set my alarm for 7:30. hopefully i make some money today. i got a social media managing job and it will end up being $1000 a month once i do the 3+ hours a day of work which im already feeling like i barely have time for my own basic life tasks. but i can do this.

if anyone reading this wants to help me out a bit, my paypal email is emilymiddin@hotmail.com or http://www.paypal.com/paypalme/veganveins

and my e-transfer email is emilymiddin@icloud.com i have auto deposit so you won’t have to ask a question :)

this is my first time in 7 years i’ve made a post like this or asked for help. i won’t do it again but figured i have nothing to lose. if you read up to here i love you a lot and thank you so much for being here <3

[percywinchester27]

A lot like ‘Us’ (Part-7)

Word count: 5K

Pairing: Sam X Reader AU

Warnings: fluff, feels... like a lot of them ;)

Series Summary: Y/N Y/L/N is eager and honestly, still in awe that she managed to get herself an acceptance from Stanford Law School. On the face of it, her life seems as put together, mysterious and independent as one might hope for. On the insides, she carries the burden of past that haunts her till date. Seemingly, she’d left it all behind; that is until she sets foot in the class of the Law School’s youngest, most promising professor.

A/N: The story employs two different timelines. The present timeline for the story takes place in 2014. Please let me know what you guys think :)

Beta: @deanssweetheart23​​​​ You da best <3

A lot like ‘Us’ masterlist

14th August 2008

It was the third time you were looking into the mirror, straightening the pleats of your dress and smoothening your hair. It absolutely refused to behave today. 

“Y/N!” Jo yelled from downstairs. “Sam’s here!”

Your heart beat reacted to the news before the rest of your body. You stared numbly at the reflection in the mirror and it stared back at you stupidly.

Sighing, you picked up the coat which you had washed and pressed, and folded it on your arm.

Sam met you at the base of the staircase just like the last time. 

“You-” he started to say; in your nervousness you cut him off. “I’m just gonna tell aunt El and Jo that we’re heading out.”

Your aunt was at the table chopping onions and Jo was grinning at you widely over the top of her book.

Ellen smiled, “Have a great time,” she said, then a little louder. “You have her home by ten, Samuel.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Sam made a big deal out of bowing.

Jo winked at him and mouthed ‘hot stuff,’ which you weren’t supposed to see but did anyway and blushed.

“Where are we going?” You questioned, as Sam opened the door to his brother’s car for you.

“There’s really only one good place in the town,” he said apologetically. “Dean felt so bad about it that he even lent me the Impala. That way I can at least notch up some impression.”

You laughed and he gave you a winning look. The sort of look one would have on their face if they came across a twenty dollar bill out of the blue.

“How’re you holding up?” He asked, averting his eyes from the road just for a bit to look at you.

“I’m okay,” you answered, honestly. “I miss her awfully, and I feel lost sometimes, though the more I think about it, the more I feel relieved that she passed away peacefully and painlessly.”

She had been happy till the last day of her life, and you were trying to draw some peace out of that. Gran would have wanted you to.

“Here,” You handed him his coat, as you stepped out of the car in front of the restaurant. It was the same one that he had offered you on the day of the average birthday. You had never gotten around to return it.

Sam didn’t take it. “You hold on to it a little longer for me,” he said with a cryptic smile.

The restaurant was crowded, as was expected out of a Saturday night. The hostess met you at the door and when Sam gave her his name, she led you to a corner table. Sam pulled your chair for you like a true gentleman and then nudged the menu towards you.

You took a look at it, ordering the first thing that appeared familiar; some type of red sauce pasta. The table had lovely roses in a vase, with water sprinkled on them like dews. Underneath the vase and over the table was an expensive looking lace tablecloth. 

“You’re very quiet,” Sam said after a while. “What’re you thinking?”

“This,” you gestured towards the table in front of you and the restaurant in general. “I’ve never done this before.”

He looked confused. “What do you mean?”

He really didn’t know. “I come from a small town, Sam. We didn’t have fancy restaurants there. Just one crappy diner and few take outs, and I’ve lived there all my life. In fact, the only few times I went to a city was to Topeka; once with Aunt El when I was thirteen and then a couple of times with a neighbour, to help my Gran with some bakery stuff. I’ve just never been to a fancy restaurant before.”

It baffled you that Sam even wanted to date someone like you who knew so little about the world, when he had been to Stanford and then to Yale and New York. What could he possibly hope to find in common with you? 

You were expecting him to look at you funnily. Instead, you found wonder in his eyes. 

“Yet, you wanted to apply to universities so far away?”

You looked down at where his hands lay on the table, and nervously placed yours over his. At first his hand jerked, as if he hadn’t expected it, but then flattened against the table top, allowing you to cover it with yours.

“My dad was a lawyer,” you said. “First person from that town to ever actually get out and get a degree, and Gran was so proud of him. I don’t remember much, but I remember him getting smartly dressed in the morning and mom picking a tie for him and tying it around his neck. Every morning she would do that, and every morning he would swoop her in his arms and kiss her.”

The waiter arrived with your food, and you quickly jerked your hand back. Sam looked bereft at the loss of contact. He didn’t press you for conversation though. 

The spaghetti was good; mouthwateringly so and you worried about how much it cost. You wanted to split for the dinner, and there was just so much money you had. You were hoping that the food wasn’t so expensive that you wouldn’t be able to pay. Sam had ordered what looked like a somewhat unappealing salad. You wanted to offer him your spaghetti but weren’t sure if that was against the etiquette.

Uhhggg curses to the small town upbringing. You knew nothing about this sort of thing, or even how to talk to boys. Maybe telling them on the first date about how woefully limited your knowledge was of the world was actually a bad idea.

You were hell-bent on making it worse.

“When I said I’ve never done this before,” you said slowly, rolling the fork in your spaghetti. “I also meant that I’ve never been on a date before.”

“What?” His fork clattered into the bowl, the shock clear on his face. 

Maybe now you had done it. You still wanted to clear it up. “I just- I don’t want you to think I’m super cool or something, when I’m not,” you stressed. “I don’t want you to have any expectations from me that I won’t be able to live up to.”

“Y/N,” he said. “It’s not like that. I’m just surprised that I’m lucky enough to be the first person who had actually managed to convince you into going out with him. Can’t say I’m feeling too sorry about all the poor souls who didn’t get the chance.” He grinned. 

He was just so good with words. It did relieve you of some of your worry. 

“Seriously,” he insisted. “Please don’t think that. All week I was worrying if you had changed your mind.”

How could you not think like that? He was the male model adonis type, from the big city and you were just so inexperienced. Sure a couple of guys in high school had asked you out, but no one had ever appealed to you the way Sam had. There was just something about him that was reassuring, like he would never break your heart. Like nothing could ever go wrong when he was around. When he was gone, however, the worry that he didn’t feel the same way about you started to seep in.

You ate the rest of your dinner quietly, feeling a bit stupid. Way to ruin your first date. 

Afterwards, Sam absolutely denied splitting the bill even when you insisted. You noticed that he also tipped the waiter well.

You were upset with yourself as you walked out of the restaurant. After dreaming for days about how amazing it would be to finally go out with Sam, you had gone ahead and made a mess of it. Worrying about what must be going on in his mind, you turned towards the parking lot.

“Hey, you mind if we walk back?” Sam asked in an unsure voice. “Dean’s close-by and he always keeps a set of keys, he’ll drive the car back home.”

“Sure.”

It was cold outside, and the thin-strapped dress you were wearing was not helping with the wind at all. So you unrolled Sam’s coat and pulled it over, regretting that unlike the last time, it wasn’t smelling like him. He saw you rolling the sleeves up and smirked.

As you stepped onto the pavement, Sam offered you his hand and you took it gladly. Maybe the whole evening wasn’t ruined.

“Sorry I’m making you walk,” Sam confessed. “I didn’t want the night to end just yet. I feel like I’ve been a terrible date tonight.”

What? 

“I had a great time!” You protested.

“Did you? Really?” He looked chagrined. “I am still being terrible. I wanted to tell you how beautiful you looked the moment I saw you on the stairs; I didn’t. In fact you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. I didn’t tell you that, either.”

You bit your lip, unsure of what to say. This felt unreal… not just because of his words, but because of how dazed he sounded.

“That’s not the only reason why I like you though,” Sam said hurriedly, as if he was scared of offending you. “It’s because you are one of the bravest people I know. Seeing you hold yourself at your Grandmother’s funeral, after losing everything… It was the hardest thing I’ve ever seen anyone do.”

You had stopped walking. The two of you were simply standing in the middle of the sidewalk, hands interlocked.

“And you’re so bright, so ambitious. Despite every shit hand that you’ve been dealt, you want to make something of your life. You have goals and a desire to prove yourself. How could I not want to be with you?” His eyes were melting, and so were you inside.

“Beyond that, you are kind and patient,” he said. “And I never told you any of it. I thought of it, over and over and yet I never said a word. So of course I’m a bad date.”

He was standing so close now, close enough that you could feel his warm breath on your face. You moved closer still and closed your eyes.

“What is it?” He asked softly. “Is it something I did? What aren’t you telling me?”

You placed your hands on his arms, more to steady yourself than anything. “I’ve never felt this way before, Sam,” you admitted. “I think of you all the time when I’m not with you, and when I’m with you, I feel giddy with happiness. I guess, I’m just scared that one day you’ll wake up and not find me interesting anymore.”

“Have you considered for a second that maybe I’m scared, too?” He asked. You opened your eyes and looked directly into his unearthly ones. They were reflecting the same need you felt, a strange and unknown hunger to touch, lean in just a bit closer and…

You gave in to that instinct just as he did, your lips colliding with each other’s. Sam was gentle at first, hesitant as he pressed his full lips against your bottom lip, drawing out the moment, but there was something desperate within you. You raised your hands and snaked your fingers through Sam’s hair- they were just as soft as you had imagined them to be- and dragged your teeth along his lower lip. Sam moaned into your mouth and his whole body shuddered. His muscled arms wrapped around your waist hoisting you up and he gave up on all attempts to be gentle, following your lead.

This was happening, you were actually kissing Sam. A giggled escaped you, and Sam pulled back, reluctance clear on his face.

“What?” He asked, face flushed, lips parted. You didn’t answer him, diving right into another kiss.

“One other thing,” Sam mumbled against your lips. “Of all the things that I should have said already, and I didn’t, I’m not going to hold back this one. It could be years and years from now, but I would never not find you interesting. I’ll never not want to just keep looking at you.”

*****************************************

Sam’s POV:

“What the hell are you still doing here?” Jody asked, coming to stop over him.

“I ask myself that question everyday,” Sam said, without looking up from his laptop.

He could feel Jody roll her eyes. “Stop being a smartass. I meant aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

Sam read through the last line and closed the file. In fact, he took his time to push away the laptop, then remove his glasses, clean them with the tip of his tie, before looking at his now colleague. Jody had been a new addition to the faculty when Sam had been a student here. She had been one of his favourite professors then. Now, she was staring down at him with amusement in her eyes.

“I don’t have to go in today,” Sam said. “Chase said he’ll fill in at the hearing. I can just look over the papers from here.”

“If I didn’t know better,” she said sitting down next to him. “I’d think you were finding reasons for sticking around.”

Sam did a double take, “What? What makes you say that?” Surely she didn’t mean it.

Jody laughed. “I’m kidding. What’s got your panties in a twist? Loosen up.”

“It’s just that I’m not used to being alone. And I worry about him all the time,” he sighed.

“You know what you need?” She said, “You need alcohol in your life! Make the most of the alone time. He’s a good kid, you know that. He can take care of himself.”

“I know,” Sam said, feeling lame.

“Seriously, what’re you doing Friday evening?”

Sam didn’t even pretend to consider. He didn’t have a social life. “Nothing much.”

“We’re getting you that alcohol.”

“Sure.”

“If you’re sticking around,” she said too nicely, “Why don’t you help me grade the assignments?”

“Yeah, no thank you,” Sam said firmly. “I got enough of my own and you’re not dragging me into your bundle.”

Jody tried to smack him, but Sam ducked to the side, grinning.

“Eh, it’s not that bad,” she waved her hand. “The fresh batch is actually pretty impressive. I heard you let them off easy with just a case brief for an assignment.”

“I figured with you guys setting up the heavy essays, I’d let it slide this time.” He stood up to gather his files.

“It’s not the only thing I heard,” Jody said, eyes on the papers in her hand. “Your TA, Paul, said you were particularly happy about one girl’s brief. What was her name again?”

Sam swore internally. “Y/N. Her name’s Y/N Y/L/N.”

She turned around to look at him with a raised eyebrow. “You remember the names already.”

He gave a noncommittal shrug. She didn’t press. “I actually checked through my stack for her essay, and what do you know! She’s actually gifted.”

Sam already knew that. He tried his best to not show it by attempting to look busy with his bag.

“It’s really funny,” Jody continued, looking at him curiously. “You know who her writing reminded me of? 

“Who?” He asked, already dreading the answer.

“You.”

“Really?” Sam said hurriedly packing his things.

“It’s actually quite weird,” Jody mused. “The same style of paraphrasing. And I’d know. You were one of my first students, and good, too.”

All packed, Sam turned and smiled tightly at her. “I’m still your favourite, though.”

“That you are, Winchester,” she winked. “Heading to the library again?”

“Yeah, I gotta return a book,” he said grimly.

Thankfully, it was only 4:30 and Molly was at the desk. It would be another hour and a half before her shift ended. She gave him a bright smile as he placed the book on the desk. “I need a huge favour,” he said urgently. “Can you quickly pull out the Development Control and Promotion regulations for San Jose? I need a specific hard copy. There are yellow tags on the pages.”

“Right up.” 

Molly disappeared into the shelves and Sam congratulated himself on finding a quiet place to  go through the references for the case he was working on, where no would quiz him about his past life. The solution for the case was in semantics, he knew that. It was still a lot of research and he needed to verify what his junior had sent him.

“Here you go,” Molly handed him the exact copy he had been working out of on Friday. “I don’t know why the hell you’re still living in the 90’s with paper tags, but to each his own.”

“Molly, you’re a lifesaver!”

She blew him a kiss and he went off to the farthest corner of the library. Sam had discovered this spot when he was a student here. No one ventured this far back, and it was well hidden from view.

He set up his laptop and got to work. It was all there. In bits and parts he put together a pretty good defense for his client. It did help that the client was wrongly accused of property damage to begin with, and the timeline of how things had gone down worked in his favour. Before he knew it, he had a rejoinder of his own ready to go for the next hearing. 

Sam stretched his arms, and looked up to see that it was dark outside. Already? 

He flicked his wrist to look at the watch. It was quarter past 7. Where had the time flown?

Sam craned his neck sideways to look at the librarians desk and there she was in front of the computer, looking intently into the screen. From here, Sam couldn’t see Y/N’s face. Just her profile. She wore a pale grey t-shirt and jeans underneath, not what she had worn to class today morning. Sam hated the fact that he noticed as well as remembered what she was wearing each day. He forced himself to look down and concentrate on the work at hand. He just had to phrase the concluding statements and it would be done. However, all the force that had been driving him for the past few hours seemed to disappear just like that. Try as he may, he got stuck on simple words. Soon he had read the same line five times. It didn’t help that he kept stealing glances at her.

This wasn’t like class, where he had so many eyes trained on him, where he was obligated to deliver a perfect lecture. No one was watching him now, which made it thousand times harder to keep his eyes off her.

She was busy working, completely unaware of his presence. Hadn’t she spent the past years like that? Completely unaware of what was happening with him. Anger burned bright and new within him. When he had read the brief about the Weather man case, he was already impressed before seeing who had written it. It had to be her! Sam had fought with himself over announcing her name in front of the whole class. But if it had been any other student, he’d have praised them, right? So he had to be fair and praise her, too. Never-mind that the words would burn on their way out. He had swallowed his feelings and done what was right.

Every little thing about her, may it be those cookies, or running into her in the corridors affected him to the point where it was all he could think about for the rest of the day. So had he been under the wrong impression all this time? Had he not moved on at all?

Y/N was still engrossed in her work, but as Sam looked closely, he soon realised that she was rubbing the nails of her hands against each other. Her feet were drawn up on the chair, under her legs and her shoulders were hunched. He squinted and could make out the slight shivering of her frame. She was cold.

He looked away. It wasn’t his problem. Y/N was hypersensitive to cold. She knew that very well, and made it a point to carry sweaters. If she was indeed that cold, she could just pull on one. 

Sam went back to his rejoinder, typing out two more sentences of the conclusion. However, his eyes kept flitting towards her, as she rubbed her hands. Y/N smiled at the people who came by, asking for books. By this point it wasn’t hard to see that her lips were quivering, maybe her teeth were chattering, too. There was no sweater nearby. 

There were so many reasons that stopped him from helping her. So many. And for all his anger and seething, all Sam wanted to do was go over and hug her so tight that she would stop shaking. He couldn’t. It wasn’t his place to do that anymore.

Sam’s fingers balled into fists in frustration and helplessness, nails digging into the flesh of his palms painfully.

Just then a girl came wandering over. She looked in her teens and Sam wondered what she was doing here. 

“Are you from the college?” Sam asked her, certain that he had never seen her before.

The girl gawked at him. “I’m seventeen, dude!”

Sam didn’t care what she was doing here, but the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. “Hey, if it’s not too much to ask, please could you help me with something?”

Reader’s POV:

It had been a slow morning  and an even slower afternoon. After Professor Mcleod’s class, the last one for the day ended, you decided to duck back to the apartment for a while. Madison asked you to hang out with her afterwards, but the thought of hanging out with Brad and the rest of that girl gang, didn’t appeal to you much. You had thought that you’d get over their raving about Sam, but the more you listened the harder it got. Neither could you say anything. You didn’t own Sam. So it was better to avoid them as much as you could for the sake of your own mental peace.

Since it was only two, you could actually catch some sleep before heading for the night shift which started at 6 pm and ended at 2 am. Usually everyone emptied out the library by then. You could clock in an extra hour if someone wanted to stay back. There was a Librarian’s room which you could use to catch your sleep, but from having worked two nights, you figured it was better to walk back home and grab a few hours in your own bed before classes. What was the point of living so close if you weren’t going to make the most of it?

The apartment building was too quiet and empty at this hour on a Tuesday. The only other people were Pam and Cas, both knocked out after the night shift. Even Kevin had to show up at work today. You contemplated whether to start reading for college but decided against it and headed to bed instead.

It turned out to be a bad idea, because given your track record of not waking up to the alarm lately, you slept on till the front door banged open. You sat up straight, disoriented. 

“Y/N?” Meg called, uncertainly. “You’re home?”

“Sure am,” you answered through a thick throat. Like an idiot you had fallen asleep in your morning clothes and were sweaty and icky now. 

Meg appeared at the door of your room. “Whoa, you’re sleeping! I thought you’d be at work.”

“Why would I be at work,” you said, sleepily, turning to the clock. “It’s only- 5:45! Shit!”

You jumped out of the bed and ran straight for the shower. 

“Doesn’t your shift start at 6?” Meg shouted from outside. She sounded amused and it only worked you up as you stripped at a super speed and got into the shower. The water was cold and it was all you could do to not yelp at the sting of it on your skin. Thankfully, Meg hadn’t stuck around in the living room, when five minutes later you made a beeline for your room wrapped in just one towel. At least you didn’t have to worry about what to wear this time. A pair of jeans and any top would do. On your way out, you grabbed your bag, laptop and keys.

“Meg, I’m so sorry I didn’t cook. I was just so tired, I fell asleep.”

Meg, who was filling her nails with what looked like a pen knife, gave you an incredulous look.

“Y/N, fuck dinner! I might just go out anyway,” she said, shaking her head. “You go go go!”

You muttered a thanks and then sprinted at full speed, coming to stop seven minutes later in front of the library.

Molly was fixing the slips for the day. 

“Molly, I’m so sorry- “

“Save it,” Molly waved her hand. “It’s just 6 o five.”

“Yeah okay,” you sat down, catching your breath.

“Hey listen,” Molly said, “There’s a few kinds from Palo Alto high school. They’re visiting with their teacher. That woman you see-” she pointed towards a middle aged woman who was breathing down a teenage boy's neck- “that’s her. The kids are well behaved, but they’ll stick around till dinner. You think you can manage?”

“Sure, I can do that!” 

“Good luck,” she gave you a thumbs up before leaving.

As had become your unwitting habit lately, the moment you were free of a conscious thought, your mind went to Sam. He had been so frequent to the library before- Molly had been clear about that- but since your joining, he had not shown up once. Maybe your face was still that repulsive to him.

Feeling dejected, you slid your bag under the table, plugged your laptop on charging and settled into the seat, ready to go through the night’s tasks. It didn’t take you longer than five minutes to figure out that you had left your sweater at home in all the hurry to get here. Suddenly, the conditioned air in the room felt ten times colder and you grabbed your arms, hugging yourself. Oh, this was going to be a terrible evening. You briefly contemplated calling Meg, then remembered that she might have gone out for dinner, and both Kevin and Jack were out. Even Pam and Cas would have returned to their night shifts by now. 

You would have to sit through this. 

The high school teacher came over and introduced herself, then pointed at the seven kids she had brought with her. You barely managed to listen to what she was saying though, trying your best to warm yourself by chaffing your hands against your arms. 

“Hey, you think you can grab a copy of Lord of the rings for me?” One of the kids asked, coming up to you.

You forced a smile. “I’ll have to check if we have that one. We d-don’t stock too much fiction here. You would find multiple editions of it in the Central Librar-ry th-though.” 

You typed in Tolkien in the catalogue. Somehow one copy was still there.

Shivering, you turned back to look at the boy. “We have t-two towers. If you’ll give me a minute, I can get it for you.”

Breathing in and out of your mouth, you walked to the shelf and retrieved the book for him.

“Here you go,” you said. “Be sure you h-hand it in b-before you go.”

Maybe you should call Meg anyway, you thought. There was no way you could get through the night like this with nails turning blue and your teeth chattering.

“Hey!”

One of the school girls was standing before you with a blank expression on her face. “Here.” She put down bunched up fabric in front of you.

Thoughtlessly you took it, unfolding it to realise that it was, in fact, a grey coat. The sort that was part of a three piece suit. You ran your fingers over the fabric. It was soft and expensive, but felt so warm.

“Put it on!” The girl said. “You look like you’re about to faint.”

You held up the coat. “W-Who gave this to you?”

“That dude sitting at the back,” she said. “He asked me to give this to you. That’s all I know.”

You twisted your torso to glance at the table the girl had pointed to. It was empty. 

Strange.

You put on the coat nevertheless, shivering violently as the fabric began to contain the body heat. Soon enough you stopped shaking completely, the warmth reminding you of happier, easier times. You walked around the corner to see who it was, but there was no one there. Shrugging you pulled the coat closer around, inhaling deeply. The scent of his cologne hit you like a ton of bricks. 

It couldn’t be.

You took a look at the coat again, remembering what Sam had been wearing in the morning. It was a grey suit- in fact, this very grey. Without thinking, you rushed back to the very end, looking for him, but he was most definitely gone, leaving you with his borrowed warmth. You sank in your chairs, tears blurring your vision. 

Sam was here… and he still cared.

*******************************

A/N 2: Aaaaahhhh so what do y’all think??? I mean the reader will have to do something with the coat, right? Do you think it will finally make them talk? ;)

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[emily-strange]

Second Chances

Thank you to everyone who has shown an interest in this story :) means so much. I just wanted to note that this story won’t be “look how awful Abigail is”. I have too much love for her to do that! Everything has a reason.

Tagging @porkchop-ao3​ @redeadepression​ and @lucacangettathisass​ who asked but if you’d like me to stop let me know :) <3

For the premise of this story, Jack is a little bit younger. I just can’t hurt that boy’s feelings!

Summary: You’re Sadie Adler’s 18 year old daughter who was visiting from school when the O’Driscoll’s attack. How will you cope with gang life and your increasing feelings for someone who, on the surface, isn’t up for grabs?

Pairing: John Marston x female reader

Warnings: Swearing, Mention of Blood

Chapter 2

Arthur was true to his word. He took you into Valentine with the other girls and even lent you a bit of money to get some new clothes, which was greatly appreciated. You’ve been wearing a dress lent to you by Mary-Beth and considering you were wearing a nightgown when Dutch and Arthur found you, you really couldn’t complain. But having the chance to get back into a pair of jeans was amazing.

So kitted out in some new clothes and borrowing Arthur’s rifle, you both went hunting. Which was a great success. In one trip, you already had enough money to pay back Arthur and you had the feeling he was impressed.

He spoke to Dutch who agreed to let you out of camp on a trial basis. You weren’t particularly happy about being dictated to about your comings and goings, but this gang did save you and your mother so you decide to just go with it. For now, at least.

That was about three weeks ago.

And now you’re riding into camp (after being away for almost two days with Charles) with quite a bit of stuff for Pearson and some money in your pocket. Most of which is for camp but at least you can take your mom to town and get her a few things. Treat her to some new clothes and essentials.

“Hi mama” you say approaching her after delivering the meat and pelts to Pearson. Unfortunately, your mother was where you left her. Sitting by the campfire, just staring into the flames. She wasn’t doing well.

Your mothers always been a strong woman, she didn’t take crap from anyone. So, when Colm’s men attacked that horrible night, she became ruthless. Almost feral. You’d never seen such rage. If only there’d been less of them, maybe you all would’ve stood a chance.

But you can’t think about that. No, you need to be strong for the both of you now. She kept you both going during the long, horrible days and nights with the O’Driscoll’s. Now it was your turn to do the same for her.

“How’re you feeling?” you ask softly sitting down next to her, rubbing her back. Her eyes are red and puffy, they look so sore.

“How’d you think she’s feelin’?” Abigail bites, appearing out of nowhere to stand opposite you with her arms crossed, “Her husband’s gone and her only child is gallivanting around fer days on end!”

You were stunned into silence.

By the time your brain caught up with your shock, your mother had hurried off crying. Followed closely by her new best friend.

What the hell? You think to yourself. Totally confused.

You took a moment to watch Abigail hug your mother by her lean-to and fury took over.

How dare she! You scream internally.

You throw yourself to your feet and storm off into the trees, making sure to put as much distance between yourself and the camp without actually leaving the area.

You make it to a secluded part by the cliffs edge and without stopping your fast pace, you pick up the biggest stone you can see and throw it off into the open cavern below.

Oh God. You think. What if there are people down there?

Having had the wind taken out of your sails by the mere thought of hurting a passer-by, you edge closer to the side of the cliff. Hoping to peak over the top without being seen.

You move slowly…..

Slowly…..

You peer a tiiiiny bit over the edge, when….

“You know there ain’t no one down there, right?”

You jump back from the edge and squeal. Actually squeal. You turn around to see John sitting under the shade of a big tree reading a large book.

“Oh my God. John!” you gasp holding your chest and laughing, “I didn’t see you.”

“Nah didn’t think ya did.” He smiles back.

You hadn’t really seen much of John the past couple of weeks, with you keeping your head down and him doing the same. He looks so much better than he did. His scars are healing well.

“Wanna…..talk, about it?” he asks somewhat awkwardly, gesturing to the spot next to him on the ground.

You sigh loudly and smirk at his attempt at comfort. You nod and walk over to the tree, sitting down with a very unladylike thud and grunt.

“Just….people.” you smile at him.

“People are tha worst” John replies quickly making you giggle.

You rub your forehead and John hums.

“You do that a lot ya know.” You glance up in time to see him gesture to your forehead.

Looking up at him you’d say he almost looks….concerned.

“I get a lot of headaches…especially when stressed…everything’s stressful” you answer with another sigh before looking him dead in the eye and laughing, “Anyway, you been watching me John Marston?”

John lets out a gruff laugh and holds his book to hide his face before groaning, “Ahh pleaaase don’t call me that.”

You giggle again.

“What!? It’s your name?” you can’t help but increase your laughter at his bizarre request.

He moves the book and slumps back against the tree behind him.

“Don’t remind me. S’the only thing I hear.” He huffs out.

That’s when it clicks.

“Abigail?” you ask quietly and he nods.

“And Arthur. And Dutch. God an’ Hosea. But he says it with more disappointment than the others.” He explains and you nod along, letting him know you’re listening.

He looks so sad. So pale and drawn out.

You then remember the very, very, brief conversation those weeks ago in his tent.

“John…can I ask about….the ‘Jack’ of it all? You know, what you mentioned before?” you say quietly and almost regret doing so when his face falls even further. If that’s at all possible.

You’d tried to get some information from Arthur about the whole situation but he didn’t shed much light on the subject. He seems to have his own issues with John. You stopped your line of questioning very quickly once he started questioning you back about why you wanted to know.

Being nosy didn’t seem like a very good reason.

“He’s. He’s not mine.” John says looking you in the eye without a hint of anger or uncertainty.

“But you, had a…relationship? With Abigail.” you ask choosing your words carefully and he scoffs.

“If you cn call it that. We hada thing yeah. But we weren’t….together. Not really. She was still workin’…..in camp n outta it. The timin’s don’t add up. I know people think I’m dumb n maybe I am but….I’m not that dumb.” He says and finishes with a humourless laugh.

You don’t really know what to say. So you just nod. Silently letting him know he can carry on if he wants.

“I love her….but it’s not that kinda love you know?” You don’t really know, having never been in love, so you just stay quiet. “Anyway. Boy ain’t mine. Can’t be. But she’s said he is n that’s that. Guess she figured Dutch woulda believed any of the others if they said it weren’t theirs. N’ if it were some customer from a saloon then well…..she did what she hadta do I guess.”

“But have you told anyone all of that? Like, Hosea?” you ask feeling instantly stupid when he laughs. He catches the drop of your eyes and promptly stops.

“Sorry, I weren’t laughin’ at you. Its just real obvious you ain’t never been ina gang.” he smiles.

How have you only just noticed how nice his smile is? Your face heats up but he doesn’t seem to notice.

“Moment she told me, I went ta Arthur. He’s like ma brother. Was like ma brother. He told me it was time ta be a man…..but hows that fair!?” he said raising his voice a bit and without meaning to, you flinch.

That he did notice.

He cleared his throat, “Sorry.”

“No it’s fine.” you say quickly, making sure he knows he didn’t do anything wrong, “You’re allowed to be upset.”

“So’re you ya know. About, ya know, what happened.” There’s that awkward attempt to comfort again.

You nod and bring your knees up, holding them to your chest, taking a long deep breath.

“Not sure that’s true you know.” You sigh, looking out into the blue sky. Trying to remember when things weren’t so sad. John just looks at you with confusion.

“I mean. Have you seen my mother? She’s a wreck. Of course she is, who wouldn’t be? But. We can’t both fall apart. She kept everything together for such a long time….she deserves her time to grieve. I can wait.” You say hoping to convince yourself as well as John.

You sit with John in a comfortable silence for about 10 minutes when you hear his name being shouted in the distance. It’s hard to tell but it’s a good guess to say that it’s Abigail.

“God dammit” John groans and rubs his face a bit too hard, causing one of his scabs to shift and a small amount of blood to rise to the surface, “Shit.”

You put your shirt sleeve over your palm and shift closer to John. You go to touch his chin, to guide his face to look at you but like you earlier, he flinches.

For a brief moment you both just look at each other.

Without saying anything you reach forward again and this time he lets you gently pull his face forward. You ever so gently dab at his face, getting rid of the visible blood spots. All the while his eyes are closed.

When the shouting gets a bit louder you pull back but, as you do, John seems to follow after your hand. Before he quickly catches himself and opens his eyes.

“Thanks” he says before coughing and looking anywhere but at your face, “Guess I should get back before she sends out a search party.”

You smile softly, “I’m sure she means well. Just worried I guess.”

John finally looks you in the eye and nods, grimacing from his leg wound as he stands up. Book in hand. You remain seated.

“Ya know, I uh, come out here quite a bit. No one from camp seems ta walk out this far.” He says looking down at you. You find yourself completely at a loss of how to respond so you just nod and say ‘okay’. He laughs a bit to himself and turns to walk into the trees before stopping and turning back briefly to you, “Maybe see you here again then.”

John doesn’t wait for you to reply before walking into the trees, away from camp again. You figure he must be doing a loop around so no one sees what direction he comes from.

You roll your sleeve back up and make a mental note to wash it before anyone sees. You don’t need to answer questions of how you have blood on your clothes but no injury.

You move into the spot John was in so you can lean back against the tree and watch the sun get lower and lower.

Before you know it, you drift off to sleep.

[paperwayne]

assistance.

50 Wordless Ways to Say “I Love You” ➡ 43. Holding shopping bags that are too heavy for them.

Pairing: Jason Todd x Reader

Word Count: 1,375 words

Warnings: None

“Wow, you’re really taking this health thing seriously, aren’t you?”

“I’m making a commitment, Jason.”

Jason shrugs, perusing the vegetables with a hum as you tear off a plastic bag from the dispenser. One of the cabbages is lucky enough to garner his attention, and he plucks it from its crate, tossing the head up once before catching it and looking over at you.

“Being honest, the last time I saw you cook was last month. You live on Chinese take-out and Taco Time, not salad,” he points out, putting the cabbage down in favor of selecting a plastic container of baby spinach. “This is called spinach. Y’know, the kind Popeye eats to get strong? It actually exists –”

You glare at him, but snatch the package out of his grasp and drop it into the cart anyway. “I know that,” you reply tartly. Some fancy-looking bottle of raspberry vinaigrette soon joins the array of greens. “Don’t be a smartass. What’s the shame in starting now, hm?”

“There’s no shame. I’m just saying that the last time you tried this, we ended up getting milkshakes and chips a week later at two in the morning.”

The defensive scowl on your face slips a little at the memory, but you quickly shake your head. “That was for my mental health during finals. This is now. So are you going to help me out, or what?”

Jason snorts. “As you wish, babe.”

Despite the rough start, the two of you work through the list pretty efficiently. One bag of oatmeal, two bottles of carrot juice, and several arguments about how to sell a tomato-based fruit salad later, you and Jason finally make it through checkout and into your car.

With your several dozen pounds of groceries sitting in the trunk and Jason riding shotgun, you mentally nod to yourself and force the engine on. It takes a couple of tries.

“We should take a trip on my motorcycle sometime,” Jason states as you maneuver out of the cramped parking space, pulling on the recliner handle so he can lean back comfortably. “Just so you can remember what it’s like to ride a functional vehicle.”

As if to punctuate his point, the gearshift sticks when you attempt to shift from reverse to drive, and it takes a moment of jostling before you’re able to move forward. Your friend’s eyes shift over to gaze keenly at you, one eyebrow raised. You merely flick your signal on and grip the steering wheel stubbornly.

“I told you, Jay, I don’t do motorcycles.”

“They’re safe.”

“Like hell. What if I accidentally let go and splat against the asphalt? You gonna scrape me off?”

“You just have to stay close and hold tight,” he says. When you spare a glance his way, skeptic, he winks at you. “C’mon. I’d keep you safe.”

Your mouth opens to let a retort loose, but all that comes out is a half-hearted scoff as you turn into the road and accelerate.

It’s not that you don’t trust Jason, because you do, and maybe a little too much. But your feelings – certain ones, at least – are something you’d rather keep to yourself until they’re quashed, and you don’t think clinging onto him during a night ride, pressed close for hours, will make them go away any sooner.

(Even though the thought of it is so, so very tempting.)

“… And here we are.”

The apartment complex you’re staying in is far from luxurious, but you don’t have the money to complain about it. Finding a vacant spot to park in through some miraculous means, you crawl out of the driver’s seat as Jason unfolds himself from your tiny car and stretches.

Across from you, you spot Andrea unloading her kids from her soccer mom van. One of the little gremlins (and you say it with fondness, since they really are good kids) spots you at the same time and waves erratically.

“Hi!” Hunter shouts, and like a well-oiled machine, the others turn to look at you as well.

You nod and lift a hand in greeting. “Hey, kiddos. Hey, Andrea.”

Andrea greets you tiredly. Her daughter is understandably more energetic and grins back, giggling, before turning her attention to Jason and tilting her head. A chubby finger raises to point at him curiously.

“Is that your boyfriend?”

What.

Oh.

Jason’s reaction is far more composed than yours; he just wraps a heavy arm around your shoulders and gives you a shake. You’re too busy choking on your own spit – boyfriend! – to register the thorough jostling he gifts to your brain. “Good idea, kid. How ‘bout it, [Y/n]? I’ll let you pay for our dinner date.”

“Nice try,” you rasp, pushing his face away. He snickers as you give Hunter an apologetic smile. “He’s just an idiot I picked up on the side of the road. His name is Jason.”

“Oh, okay.”

For some reason, the child accepts your answer as fact, bellowing her goodbye as she and her family head up to their apartment. Once their backs are turned, you shake your head and fix Jason with a withering stare, which is returned with a satisfied shrug.

“Just help me bring the groceries up,” you sigh, popping the trunk open. “Please.”

“Wow, the magic word and everything. You must really want me to confess my love.”

“Please.”

Jason obliges and scoops up several bags with one hand, shutting the trunk after you grab the rest with a grunt.

He somehow takes the lead while the two of you climb the stairs, carelessly slinging his share over his shoulder while you use both hands to lug your bags along. You keep your eyes steadily on his back and away from the open gaps between the steps, acting as if doing so would make the hard concrete several feet below softer.

Halfway up the second flight, he stops and turns to look at you.

“Need help?” he asks.

You grit your teeth and continue trekking upwards, attempting to hide your flustered expression when you peek at his muscular and very capable arms. “No, I’m good.”

“Alright. Suit yourself.”

He resumes walking, this time staying behind you. It’s harder to not look down now, but you carry on, fingers aching.

Not long after reaching the top of the stairs, though, you’re the one that stops.

“What’s up?”

You shift uneasily onto your other foot, avoiding his stare. “… It would help a little,” you begin reluctantly, “if you took some of the bags.” They seem even heavier now. “Just so it’s easier for me to unlock the door when we get to my place.”

“Sure thing,” he replies.

Without further ado he takes all four of your bags and starts heading down the hallway. It takes a second to realize what he’s done, but when you do, you run after him with a vengeance.

“H-Hey!” you scold, struggling to keep up with his quick strides. “I said some of them, not all of them, Jay.”

“Whoops. Must’ve misheard.”

That grin is back on his face. You sigh, exasperated, but it doesn’t stop the edges of your mouth from twitching upwards as well.

Soon enough, you and Jason reach Room 252. Digging your keys out, you pick one out and shove it into the lock. The door opens with a woody creak and the sound of dripping water meets your ears, and you mentally file away the fact that the kitchen faucet is still leaking.

Jason strolls into the kitchen and places your groceries next to that broken sink, looking briefly out the window overlooking the parking lot and then at the pictures on your windowsill before stepping back.

“Well, see ya around.”

You grab his elbow as he walks past you, gnawing the inside of your cheek.

“Hey – uh, I’m testing out a recipe Uncle Alfred lent me,” you say, scratching the back of your neck. “Want to help me out?”

For a moment, he seems to contemplate your offer. That moment is exceedingly short, though; his lips pull into a smirk, and Jason reaches up to pinch your cheek. You make a face at him as he rolls up his sleeves.

“As you wish, sunshine.”

__

[50 Wordless Ways to Say “I Love You” prompt list (requests using this prompt list are openCLOSED)]

[sandstimegender]

The Darkest Night

Hey guys, this one shot deals with a suicide attempt, so please don't read that part if you aren't comfortable.

It starts at "She locked herself in the bathroom," and ends at "Her hand thumped against the bathroom floor."

Thanks to my dear beta reader, @bigprincess-energy!!

Please read and enjoy!

It was the darkest night of the year for her. Eurydice wasn't feeling well, and she hadn't gone to school the entire week. No one will miss you.

She thought of it as a mental health week, although it hadn't helped a bit. Useless.

Biting her lip gently, she set the pen down gently on top of the note she had written.

"I'm sorry Poet." She lent down to kiss Orpheus' forehead. "I can't do this anymore." 

They don't care.

 Whore. 

Go jump off a roof.

 Even better, kill yourself with one of his razors.  

She whimpered softly, intent on doing that anyway. Locking herself in the bathroom, she grasped one of the brown eyed boy's razors, and sat against a wall, slashing her wrist. 

The blood welled up, splashing onto the floor quickly. 

She did the same to the other one, the handle slicked with the bright red blood. 

She knew she was losing blood quickly.

 Eurydice smiled, whispering a soft "Orpheus." She wanted to think of him last. As her sight faded quickly, her hand thumped against the tiled floor. 

****

Orpheus awoke to the sound of something heavy hitting the bathroom floor. 

"'Dyce, can you go check it out?" There was no answer from the other side of the bed. "Eurydice?" He opened his eyes and saw three things. 

One, the bed was empty. 

Two, there was a note on the desk.

 Three, the bathroom light was on.

 He knew right away what had happened. 

"Nonono!" He whispered, panicked. Running to the bathroom door, Orpheus banging gently on it. 

"Lover, can you open the door?" She didn't respond, he tried to open the door. Locked . "Eurydice!" No!  

He forced the door open, to the horrible sight of her on the floor, wrists slashed and bleeding. His stomach dropped in fear. "'Dyce..." 

His eyes darted around, looking for something, anything to stop the bleeding. His eyes finally settled on the towel Eurydice had set out for her bath night. He grabbed it quickly, clamping it onto her wrists.

The blood seeped into it slowly enough, so he could grab the first-aid kit and wrap them in heavy bandages.

 Orpheus bit his lip, which was a habit he shared with Eurydice, the copper and iron taste filling his mouth.Should he call Ms. Flores or Mister Hermes? 

  He decided on Mister Hermes, as he was closer. He scrambled for his phone, which he had left on the nightstand. As soon as the man had picked up, he started talking, quickly.

“MisterHermes!Comeovernow!It’sEurydice,she’sslashedherwrists,Ijustfoundher.Comeover.Please” 

“Kid? It’s like, 2 am. What do you want? I can't understand you. Talk slower.”

“It’s ‘Dyce! She’s-” The realization set in, and a harsh sob broke through his throat. "Come over. Please."

Hermes seemed to know he wasn't joking.  

"I'll be right over Poet." The rustling of blankets from the other end and feet running through the cafe calmed the young man down slightly. 

Orpheus ended the call, running back to his songbird. 

"Please wake up. Please, please." Kneeling, he traced Eurydice's palm with his fingers, feeling the small bumps and ridges. He kissed it softly, and held it between his own. 

A soft "Orpheus?" Came from the doorway. He recognized Mister Hermes' voice.

 "Help her." The gray-haired man scanned her over, noting the blood, heavy wrappings, razor, and small smile on the girl's face.

"You did a good job, wrapping her wrists. She now needs to go to a hospital." Orpheus drew back in shock. 

"But-how's she gonna pay for it? She definitely won't take her father's money, and she won't take it from her mom, I know her too well!" 

"You seem to forget that her employer is Persephone." 

The singer blushed, and rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. He picked her up gently, carrying her to Mister Hermes' car. He sat the unconscious girl gently in his lap, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist. 

He kissed the top of her forehead, unaware that she had done the same action about 10 minutes ago.

 "I'll take care of you, just please don't leave me."

They pulled up to the hospital, Orpheus rushing inside, clutching her to his chest, and keeping pace with the man next to him.

***

Eurydice awoke in a bed, her hands resting on the bed sheets, her wrists bandaged. 

"Where-?" She whispered, turning her head to gaze around the room.

Orpheus was in a plastic black chair next to her bed, passed out. We don't have a chair like that in the apartment.

There was an IV drip in her arm, she noted, along with the clip that connected to the heart rate monitor. I must be in the hospital. "But who-?"

"Songbird." Persephone was leaning against the door frame, with a flask in her hand. She took a swig. "You're awake."

“‘Seph! What’s going on? The last thing I remember was-oh. Oh." 

"You gave us quite a scare, Eurydice."

"Is Orpheus okay?"

"Physically, yes. Emotionally and mentally? No. He's not. Songbird...You almost died, and Orpheus found you." 

"...I wanted to die." She gripped the sheets tightly, afraid of what she would say. Persephone rested her hand on her shoulder. 

"I have too." What? The green dressed woman sighed, and pulled up her skirt.

 It was just enough so that Eurydice could see the faint scars along her thigh. "But I talked to someone. You have to talk to someone." She glanced at Orpheus.

"But-!" At 'Seph's glare, she quieted and looked away. "It's so hard . I don't want to worry him, and I doubt he cares."

The older woman checked her watch, and cursed when she saw the time. 

"I've got to go. We will talk later." She walked briskly out of the room, her dress disappearing around the corner.

A loud yawn sounded from the chair Orpheus was slouched in. She turned her head carefully, and saw him shifting in his seat.

He sat up, emotions flitting across his face. Shock, worry, sadness. 

"Eurydice?" He said it so softly, as if he was afraid she wasn't real. 

"Hi?" She offered, not expecting for his eyes to well up with tears, as he hugged her tightly.

Her arms hovered over his back in shock.

"You-when I found you, you were bleeding out. I don't wanna feel that helpless again. Please, talk to me. Let me help you."

"You care?" Her voice wavered.

"Why wouldn't I?" He questioned, drawing back. 

"Because no-one else has." 

Orpheus breathed out, tracing her hand with his.

"Oh...Eurydice, I care. I'll always care."

"You will?" He nodded, brushing her hair away from her face, and tucking it behind her ear. 

"Yeah. I will. I can't promise you a kind road to walk, but I'll work with you, I promise." He kissed her wrists gently, looking up at her with the softest expression on his face. 

"Poet? Who's paying for the hospital bill? I'm not taking money from father, and I don't want to take any from momma." 

"Miss Persephone is paying for it." Eurydice was silent for a moment, then spoke.

"She'd do that? For me?"

"Yeah. I think you're her favorite."

"You really think so?" 

"I know you are." 

Orpheus bit his lip, perhaps in nervousness. "I love you." 

She laughed brokenly. "You still love me? After I almost died? Even though I wanted," and still want . She added silently. "To die?"

"I do." He rested his head gently on hers, and held her. "I love you Eurydice. And I will always love you."

Tears sprang to her eyes, and she cried into her lover's shoulder.

"Thank you. Thank you." 

[geniuscloud]

Only The Lonely Survive- ATEEZ (Yeosang)

I’m actually kind of proud of this one, so hopefully it’s good! I didn't edit it though, so be warned. Thanks for reading! I really enjoyed writing this.

Genre: Fluff and Angst

Yeosang X Reader (Fem!)

Private School AU

Warnings: Swearing and mentions of mature themes. Mild bullying.

Word Count: 4.8K

_______________________________

“Um excuse me, are you okay? Class ended 15 minutes ago.”

I was startled awake by the voice of a classmate, who lightly shook my shoulder to wake me from my sleep. The panic in my face began to settle as I quickly scanned around the room, all the desks were completely empty and the only people left were the girl and myself.  

“Holy shit, what time is it?”

“It’s 12:16, it’s lunch break right now. You were out cold, do you want me to walk you to the nurses office?” she replied. She was short, extremely long dark hair and big glasses framed her face. Wendy, the shy girl who hardly spoke to anyone, but definitely one of the most caring people in our grade.  

“No it’s okay, thanks Wendy. I just was working really late last night, I guess I dozed off because I didn’t get much sleep. Thanks for waking me up, I need to put up my flyers before class starts again.” I quickly collected my bag, giving her a small smile before rushing out of the classroom and into the hall. I had less than 45 minutes to hang my tutoring flyers, plus I had to get to my locker, eat and get to my next class on the other side of the building. I tried to work as fast as possible and was able to get it done within 20 minutes, giving me some time to spare to refuel my energy with food.

“Hey poverty, move. You’re in the way of my locker.”  

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes before spinning around to see who belonged to the voice, “Natalie, nice to see you haven’t changed a bit over the holidays...”

“Nice to see that you’re still poor. Cute sweater by the way, where did you get it? Walmart? Or is that still too expensive for you?”

“Can’t you learn to shut up for once in your life?”

“Can’t you learn that you’re not welcome here? It’s a private academy for the privileged, not for scholarship riding wannabes,” she smirked.

“Nat leave her alone,” a deeper voice spoke behind her. Natalie's eyes widened a little before spinning around on her heels, coming face to face with the guy behind her.

“Sangie, I'm just being honest.”

“Actually you’re being a bitch, do you mind?” he said, titling his head to the side trying to signal for her to leave.

“Here, why don’t you take a flyer on your way out. All that fake tanning must be melting your brain a little, I can help with that,” I smiled while passing her a flyer. Her eyebrows furrowed in response, quickly stomping off without the flyer. Suddenly the paper that laid in my hand lazily was pulled from my grasp as Yeosang studied it.

“You’re doing tutoring?”

“Yeah, I thought about making some extra money to help my parents out. Do you know anyone who might need it?”

“I’m not failing, but I could always use some help getting a little higher grades. Count me in, when can we start?” he smiled.

“We can start after school if you’re not busy? All tutoring sessions will be 90-120 minutes maximum after school because I have to work at 6:30pm most weekdays.”

“Cool, here’s my number. Text me when you find a meeting spot and I'll meet you there,” he shot a quick wink in response before he slung his backpack over his shoulder once again. There was a weird skip of a beat in my heart as my eyes followed his back down the hall. I put my hands to my cheeks, feeling them heat up slightly before I rested my forehead on my locker. Yeosang really was as attractive as everyone had gushed about. His eyes were definitely the first thing anyone noticed about him, and that jawline? My God, you could cut diamonds with that thing.

The rest of the day went by so slowly and the anticipation of getting to study with Yeosang for some reason made me excited but nervous. He was so popular and so attractive, and usually I would stay away from everyone in this school, because most people were snobby due to their social background. Though from what I could tell, he seemed very nice. I’ve never heard anything bad about him, and he definitely wasn’t the stereotypical popular jerk. The final bell rang, and I almost sprinted out of the class and to my locker, quickly grabbing my stuff before running to the washroom. I did a quick check of my makeup, and brushed my hair. I honestly don’t know why I felt some kind of pressure to look good; I was just helping him study!?

I found my way to the quiet section of the library. The walls were lined from the roof to the floor with books, and the old hand carved wood gave the most elegant and antique look. It looked like a scene from a fairy tale had come to life. I sat down at the one table in the far back and let Yeosang know where I was. I felt a knot in my stomach grow from the nerves, and sat patiently for him. What if he doesn’t show up? What if he was just trying to make a fool out of me and waste my time? My palms began to sweat a little, and I rubbed them on my black skinny jeans.  

“Y/N?” I looked up from the table, trying to hide the anxiety clearly written on my face.

“Yeosang, hey. I’m glad you showed up.”

“Sorry I took so long, I can to call my parents and let them know I was going to be home later, and then I went down the wrong hall and had to loop back,” he smiled while getting his backpack down beside him and he slid into the seat beside me.

“Okay, well let’s get started. What classes do you need help with?”

“Currently my lowest mark is History, I'm pretty bad at memorizing dates.”

“Okay, well let’s start on that, I'm assuming you’re around chapter 5-6 right now?”

_________________

Soon enough, the hour turned into three, and the light from the sky had completely drained into pitch black. Our time studying was mixed with work and casual chatting, hearing stories about his life and his unfortunate and short-lived relationship with Natalie. I felt extremely comfortable with him, sharing some stories about my childhood as well. We were very different, but it was enjoyable.  

“Hey Y/N, do you mind if I ask you a question? It’s okay if you don’t answer me.”

“Sure, go ahead.”  

He looked around a little before facing me again, “Why are you always alone? I see you often, but you never are with anyone or talking to anyone?”  

I deep a deep breath before leaning forward over the table, “I’m not going to lie. A lot of people look down on me because the only reason I can attend this school is because of a scholarship. My grades are so high I was offered a scholarship as long as I keep my grades up. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here, and everyone knows that. This academy is extremely expensive, and no regular folk can just attend this school unless you’re super rich. You see everyone here wearing Gucci clothes and driving nice cars, while I'm a ‘order this cute sweater online because it’s on sale and public transportation’ kind of girl.”

“That’s pretty shallow of others, I think you’re pretty fantastic regardless,” he smiled. I laughed a little before drawing my attention back to the book, continuing to write down some information from the textbook for him. “Wow it sure is getting dark, it’s also starting to snow,” he said gazing out of the window.

“Holy crap, what time is it?”

“It’s 5:44 pm, we’ve been studying for almost 3 hours now. That’s crazy?”

“Oh my God, I have to go. I have work at 6:30!” I shrieked while quickly packing my stuff, “We were supposed to be done an hour ago!”

“I’m sorry I distracted you, how about I walk you to work it’s dark out anyways. I’d rather you get there safe,” he suggested while packing his stuff as well.

“You really don’t have to, it’s okay.”

“No, please, let me walk you to work.” I nodded shyly while putting on my jacket and getting ready to leave with Yeosang beside me. His black padded jacket went down to his knees, and he wrapped a scarf around his neck before turning around to face me. My jacket was zipped up as high as it could go, no scarf, hat, or gloves. “Did you not bring anything but your jacket?”

“I did, but I left my scarf on the public bus, so it’s long gone.”

“Do you want to use mine?”

“Nah, I don’t want you to be cold.” He just lightly laughed before grabbing my hand and spinning me around to face him. His eyes stared into mine as he unwrapped the scarf and put it around me. My breathing slowed down slightly as he kept eye contact with me, neatly wrapping the scarf until my mouth was hidden from the bitter cold.

“I’m not letting you get cold, we can’t let your head freeze if you’re going to be tutoring people.”

“Um, thank you..” I was so glad the scarf was hiding my cheeks, because they were bright red by now. He tucked his hands into his pocket and we started walking down towards the convenience store where I worked evenings occasionally. The walk was silent for the most part, he occasionally asked me a few questions and we continued our conversation from earlier. Surprisingly I was really comfortable around him, he seemed so genuinely kind and interested in getting to know me. The walk was quick, and a little part of me wished we could have done this longer.  

“Yeosang, thanks for walking me to work and lending me your scarf. I had a good time studying with you. Here let me give you this back,” I said removing the scarf.

“Won’t you need it on your way home?”

“No, my mom is going to pick me up after work, so please take it back.”

“Okay, and I should probably pay you for the session now, right? The flyer said $15 an hour?” he mumbled grabbing his wallet out, “I only have a $50 so you can accept a $5 tip, right?”

“Nah, for you the first session is free. Plus I had a lot of fun hanging out with you, and you lent me your scarf. Anyways, I should get to work, I'll see you at our next session. Have a good night Yeosang...”  

“You too Y/N, text me when you get home so I know you’re safe,” he smiled while wrapping the beige scarf around his face. The color contrasted with his dark brown hair which was still perfect even though the light wind caused a few flyway's to appear every once in awhile. I nodded slightly as he turned away, walking across the street and disappearing through the park. There it was again, the skip in my heart beat returned as I watched him leave for the second time.

__________________

A few weeks had passed since our first study session. He started attending our tutoring sessions three times a week, forcing me to reduce the price because it felt like he was trying to pay me to hang out with him more than anything. I also started tutoring a few other students during lunch or after school on other days. Our tutoring relationship started turning into a real friendship, and I had to learn to control my heart around him. I started seeing him more often, hanging out with him and his friends during lunch sometimes as well. After attending this academy on my scholarship for 2 years, I finally felt like I made a real friend. There were so many shallow people in this school, but I quickly discovered that some of the other students here weren’t so bad after all, and not everyone was ready to cause me emotional distress just because of my money situation.  

“Y/N, you’re joining us for lunch tomorrow, right?” Mingi asked, one of Yeosang’s friends who happened to sit behind me in my chemistry class.  

“Yeah sure, are we meeting in the cafeteria like usual?”

“Yup. I’ll text the boys and let them know.” Mingi was a special guy, very tall and athletic looking, but very sweet and almost childlike. I used to avoid him because I thought he’d be very cold, but in reality he was a big sweet heart who was scared of bugs. Besides Yeosang, Mingi was definitely who I was closest with out of the group.

‘Hey, can we meet after school in the library? I know we don’t have a tutoring session today, but it’s important.’ The message lit up my phone screen, seeing Yeosangs ID show up.

‘Yeah, I'm not busy today. We can meet up for a bit,’ I replied back.  

Soon enough the bell rang, and I headed to the library, our designated meet up spot. I saw him sitting on the edge of the table, a little white bag beside him and his phone in his hand.

“Sang, what’s up?”

“Hey Y/N, sorry to bother you on your day off. I just had something I wanted to give you. It’s a thank you gift for tutoring me even though you keep refusing my money, and also a little thanks for being my friend.” I stopped in my tracks, pursing my lips together slightly before letting my head tilt sideways in confusion.

“You got me a gift?” I asked puzzled.

“Yeah, I remember you needed one, and with it getting cold I thought you might need it,” he smiled while passing the bag to me. I’ll admit, I was interested in knowing what he had boughten me and so I accepted it. My eyes were still squinted with curiosity and disbelief as I kept panning from the bag to his face. After removing the tissue paper, I saw the soft navy pattern fabric neatly folded in the bag.  

“You got me a scarf?”

“Yeah, there’s also a little matching hair bow. I remember you said you lost your other one on the bus a few weeks ago and I heard we’re supposed to get another snow storm soon. I wanted to make sure you were warm.” I pulled the scarf out and examined it, it looked like a washed-out charcoal navy color with geometric white and red lines. The fabric was so soft and warm, I couldn’t believe I could like a scarf this much. It looked like a darker version of the beige scarf he had lent me a few weeks ago. “Do you like it?”

“I love it, thank you Yeosang. You really didn’t have to get me anything! I could have gotten one for myself a little later on.”

“Nah, this was nothing. Wait until your birthday, that’s when I really pull out all the stops for my friends,” he said while flashing a bright smile. I couldn’t help but smile back while I rolled my eyes playfully. He then got to his feet and grabbed the scarf from my hands, gently wrapping it around me once again, just like he did the first time. His hands lingered a little as they dragged down the brown fabric of my long jacket, sliding his fingers down the opening where the buttons were sown. His grip never let go, and I felt a little tug causing me to shuffle closer to him a bit. His other hand slid the scarf that was over my mouth down, just barely revealing my lips. I felt the air from my lungs escape all in one go, as if someone had just stepped on my lungs. His eyes were no longer locked into my own, but instead had focused his attention on my lips. My knees felt weak as I tried to make sense of the situation. Maybe I had some food on my mouth that I hadn’t noticed for the last 3 hours while I was in class?  

“Y/N may I ki-”

“Excuse me you two, the library is actually closed for the evening,” a voice said interrupting us. Our eyes quickly snapped towards the librarian who stood to the side with he arms crossed. I took the opportunity to slip away from Yeosang’s grasp and apologize while leaving quickly. Did he just ask me if he could...? Did that really just happen? Yeosang tried to catch up with me, but I ducked through a couple hallways and disappeared out of sight.

_______________________

The next morning I felt emotionally and mentally exhausted. I ignored the handful of texts Yeosang sent asking if I was okay, if he had done something wrong, and if I made it home safe. I didn’t want the police busting down my door because he thought I had gone missing, so I had sent a little thumbs up just so he knew I was still alive. I felt odd, because a part of me really wanted to kiss him, but the other part of me just wouldn’t let him. I've been alone for so long, and I’m still a little too afraid to let people in my life; since only the lonely survive.  

I peeled myself out of bed and into the shower to try and wake myself up. The weather was dreadful, the type of damp-cold that stuck to your bones after going inside. I settled on a pair of black comfy jeans, and a large knit sweater to keep me warm. A little part of me wanted to still try to look cute, knowing I was going to have to face Yeosang and the rest of the boys today at some point. After applying makeup, I sat on my bed and stared at the little white bag in the corner.  

“He did buy it for me, and I might as well use it” I sighed. I quickly pinned up my hair and slid the hairbow in to secure it. I still had no idea why I was trying to look cute when I literally was an emotional mess on the inside. I will admit that the walk to school was much warmer than usual. I had a few people look at me as I walked through the halls towards my locker, and it felt a little strange having people actually look at me. What I thought would be a peaceful morning turned south as soon as I heard the nauseating voice of Natalie tell me to move out of the way from our lockers which were unfortunately side by side.  

“Wow poverty, what student did you steal that scarf from?” she mocked.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m not a fool, I know brand name when I see it. I know there is no way you bought a $900 Burberry scarf by yourself. What? Did you steal it?”

“I’m sorry, what? $900 scarf?” I asked, puzzled while searching the ends of my scarf. Low and behold, there was a small ‘Burberry’ tag sown on the ending of the scarf.  

“Cough it up, how’d you get that? Wait a matching bow too? What the hell, did you get yourself a sugar daddy or something?!” I could hardly believe my ears, and I felt pressure begin to bubble in my chest.

“Y-Yeosang bought this for me...” I mumbled out.

“What the hell? I knew your so-called tutoring sessions were bullshit. Oh my God, are you hoeing around so you can fit in?” she smirked, her face falling into pure amusement, “Holy shit you are. You’re Yeosang’s play toy aren’t you?”

“What are you talking about?! We literally meet in the library!” I yelled.

“You are not helping yourself. A quiet library like that, you could easily slip under the table unnoticed. Holy shit, I can’t wait to tell everyone what you’ve been doing. If you thought your reputation couldn’t get any worse, wait until this spreads around. You’re going to be so embarrassed that you’ll be begging to leave this school.”

“Natalie, can you stop harassing her!?” a somewhat deeper voice yelled. My eyes instantly fell on the small group of boys behind us. San was angry, his lips now pursed after yelling at her and had his hands balled up in fists, standing a little bit in front of Yeosang and Yunho.  

“Are you really hoeing around with all of them?” she said with her mouth agape in amusement, “this is rich.” Natalie pushed passed me and walked off down the hall.

“Hey are you okay?” Yeosang asked, grabbing my arm.

“No, t-this... I can’t do this. Why did you do it?” I asked, my voice beginning to crack as the tears started to spill down my cheeks.

“What did I do?”

“Why would you buy me a $900 scarf!? You know how I feel about money!?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think much of it. I just thought tha-”

“That’s right! You don’t think much about anything. You just throw your money around like it’s nothing!  Natalie is now telling everyone that I'm a prostitute, and that I'm your sick little play toy. I’m not a charity case that you can just invest a bunch of money into!” I yelled.

“That’s not what I meant, I just wanted to get you a gift! I wanted to get you something brand name because I knew you’d never do something like that for yourself!”

“What? Just because I don’t value brand name the same as you? Tell me honestly, are you embarrassed to be friends with me because my family doesn’t have money?”

“Are you crazy?! I don’t care that you’re not rich, I just wanted to get you a fucking gift! You’re blowing everything out of proportion. I didn’t say or even insinuate any of these things!” he started to argue back. San and Yunho took a step back, hearing San try to stop our fight.

“Then why the hell did you buy me gifts huh?!”

“Because I like you, okay?! I wanted to give you gifts because I wanted to prove that I could be a good potential boyfriend, and show my affection! That’s also why I tried to kiss you, are you happy now?”  

My heart sunk and I took a step back. He just admitted his feelings, but also expressed that he was trying to woo me with his money. To him I was just like the rest of these prissy girls in my school who expected to be treated like a queen and want expensive gifts.  

“I’m not for sale you asshole,” I spat. His furrowed expression fell as I shoved past him. For the first time in years, I skipped school and went home.  

___________________________

The weekend had given me time to recover, but the amount of texts and call I got from the boys kept reminding me of the memories I didn’t want. Maybe I was overreacting, since he did have good intentions. I just couldn’t help but feel dirty, and sick to my stomach. I was no better than Natalie, the obnoxious and self-absorbed drama queen. I don’t know what to expect when I go to school, but if Natalie has told everyone the rumors I'm going to be a walking punchline.  

I could hardly drag myself out of bed and into some clean clothes. I decided against a shower and makeup, settling on washing my face and leaving my hair down. I just didn’t have the power to put effort into my appearance, especially when I might be crying everything off anyways.  

The walk to school was torturous, but luckily the weather wasn’t bad. The snow for the most part has gone, but it was still a little chilly. I dragged my feet against the concrete, the lull of emotions evident on my face as I entered school for the first time in 4 days.  

“Hey,” someone muttered to me as I struggled with the lock on my locker. I was expecting the bitchy tone I hear every morning, but to my surprise she seemed rather calm. I almost didn’t believe it was her. “You look like shit...”

“Thanks,” I grumbled.

“Are you okay?”

“Why the hell do you care? Four days ago you were ready to ruin my life and now you’re expressing some kind of concern?”

“Listen here Pove- I mean Y/N... I just wanted to apologize for what happened on Friday. As much as I don’t like you, I took it too far. I know how it feels to be threatened like that because it’s happened to me as well. That’s actually kind of the reason I came to this school anyways, because I was running away from a rumor at my old school. I shouldn’t have done that to you, and just so you know I never told anyone,” she confessed. I was utterly stunned by the words coming out of her mouth. “Don’t get me wrong, I still hate you and want you to leave because you don’t belong, but I wanted to apologize for this. I’ll try to not being such a raging bitch to you all the time. Your face still makes me want to vomit, but I'll try to ignore you from now on as much as I can.”

“Um, thanks I guess. I’ll try to ignore you as well?”  

She shrugged a little before carrying on with her day as I finally got the lock open. Within a matter of seconds dozens of papers came flying out of my locker, spilling all over the floor and my feet.  

“Great, someone else has a problem with me...” I sighed, picking up the papers. They were notes, the same hand writing in black ink had my name written on the front of them. I knit my eyebrows together in confusion while struggling to open one.

‘You are the best person I’ve ever met.’

‘I miss you.’

‘I love the way you laugh.’

‘You are make me lovely.’

‘You are all the colors at once, in full brightness... -All The Bright Places, by Jennifer Niven. Yes I read your favorite book.’

The only thing that was consistent with every note was Yeosang’s signature on the bottom of each note. I choked up a little bit, as I began to fill the small pocket of my bag with the notes.  

‘Please meet me at the library during lunch’ I texted Yeosang.  

_______________________

I sat at the table in the library, anxiously playing the the hem of my shirt. I needed to apologize to yeosang for lashing out like that, but he might not be willing to accept my apology. He did confess his feelings for me, and I straight up just squashed him without any remorse or thought about how he feels.  

“Y/N, are you here?” his voice whispered from around the corner.

“Yeah I'm here.”

“Um, thanks for texting me. What made you change your mind and come see me?”

“Your letters actually, and the fact that Natalie apologized to me. If she can admit she did something wrong, I can as well. I really overreacted, you were just trying to be sweet and I completely blew up in your face. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry for not being considerate of how you felt, I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just what I'm used to. I grew up with the norm that you buy the people who you care about expensive gifts and you show that you cherish them.”

“I know, I should have tried to be more level headed and understanding about it. The truth is, when you told me you liked me, my heart stopped for a second. I’ve wanted to hear you say that from the first day that we hung out, and I completely ruined it. I really like you too Yeosang, and I hope I didn’t ruin our chances; because I really wanted to kiss you that night... Hell, I really WANT to kiss you,” I admitted.

“I really want to forgive you and be done with it, but I also kind of want to make you suffer for crushing my heart,” he laughed.

“Yeah... I deserve that.”

“You do, but I don’t think my heart can let me. As much as I want to tease you, a bigger part of me wants to kiss you as well.”

“Then what’s stopping you?” I smiled, stepping a little closer to him, craning my neck upwards to face him.

“I need your permission, because once I kiss you I don’t want to stop. I want to kiss you as much as possible every day. I want you to be mine as long as you’ll have me.”

“Then you’re allowed to kiss me.”

His hands found themselves in the small of my back, pulling me even closer before pressing his lips to mine. He was everything I found myself falling for, he was perfectly lovely in every way. Absolutely lovely.

[kellanved-ammanas]

Trick or Treat

“You want me to what?” Spy asked, looking confused.

“Take me trick-or-treating for Halloween this year. You weren’t there to do it with me when I was kid so you got to do it now,” Scout replied with a grin as he leaned against the wall instead of sitting on Spy’s desk – he’d get yelled at if he did that again. He was too old to go trick-or-treating but he’d dreamed of doing so with his father for ages as a kid and free candy was always good no matter how old he got. There was no law saying only kids could trick-or-treat so he was going to… if Spy was down for it, it’d be no fun alone. Though he could probably get some of their other teammates to come if Spy didn’t but… Spy had promised to do father/son stuff with Scout now that their relation to each other was open between them so Scout wanted him to do this.

But Spy still looked confused. “I don’t know what that is.”

“How do you not know what trick-or-treating is?”

Spy sighed, giving Scout that look that said he’d said something Spy thought was stupid, it wasn’t as harsh as it used to be though. “I’m from France, we don’t celebrate Halloween.”

“Oh.” Halloween was Scout’s favourite holiday, someone not celebrating it was almost inconceivable to him. “You still know what Halloween is though, right?” It’d be a lot harder to explain trick-or-treating if Spy didn’t know at least a little bit.

“Yes, you dress up as monsters and throw parties and get drunk naturally.” Ah, so he only had experience with the adult side of things. Well then, he might have fun going out and getting free candy too. … Wait, did he even like candy? Scout had never seen him eat any so maybe not but… who didn’t like candy?

“There’s another thing people do too, it’s called trick-or-treating. You dress up as a monster or whatever you like and go door to door and say ‘trick-or-treat’ when they answer and then they give you free candy.”

“That sounds like a recipe for disaster.”

“It’s fun though. And uh… most of my brothers had their dads take them and stuff, you know?” Scout had always been jealous that all his older half brothers knew their dads and occasionally did stuff with them while he never got that opportunity. Now he did have that opportunity if Spy was willing to go along with it anyway.

Spy studied him, his face unreadable under the mask before sighing. “Fine, if it means that much to you, I will take you.”

“Yes! Awesome, thank you.”

 -

Spy’s expression as he examined the customs Scout had brought for them to go trick-or-treating in come Halloween night looked like he smelled something foul. In hindsight Scout should’ve expected such, this was Spy after all, pleasing him seemed nigh on impossible at times.

“What’s wrong with them?” Scout asked with a sigh. He thought they looked cool, one was a vampire, the other a skeleton. And unlike when he’d been growing up he’d had the money to buy them himself, so they weren’t hand-me-downs or sheet ghosts.

“They’re cheap,” Spy said as if that were the most disgusting of bad qualities. “They simply will not do.” He waved his hand in dismissive gesture as he turned away. “If we have to dress up for this trick-or-treating thing then let me handle the costumes.”

“Uh… okay.” Good thing Scout had kept the receipt.

 -

“It looks badass, let me try it on.” Scout reached for the costume Spy had lain out on his coffee table for Scout to see. It was a nice suit but what really caught Scout’s eye was the full body cape, it was a vampire cape, the kind only seen in movies.

“No,” Spy said, grabbing his wrist. “I only want you wearing it for the shortest amount of time possible.”

“Ah, come on Dad, it looks cool.” Calling him ‘Dad’ often ended with Scout getting his way. Not this time apparently though as Spy continued to frown at him.

“No and if you damage it during the time I do let you wear it I’ll break every bone in your body and never let you touch any of my things again.”

“Uh… got it. I’ll be super careful with it, promise.” The first part was probably an empty threat but Scout didn’t want to risk it or not being allowed to touch Spy’s things.

“Good.” Spy nodded his affirmation as he pulled out a cigarette.

“What are you going to go as though?”

Spy shrugged. “I have not decided yet.”

“It’s next week though so you got to decide fast. And it’s got to be something cool so no fairy princess shit.”

Spy let out an exasperated sigh. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

***

Spy would be lying to himself if he didn’t admit that watching Scout run around the room at top speed so the cloak Spy had lent him flew out behind him was endearing. How he had so much energy was beyond Spy though, when Spy had been his age he hadn’t been nearly as wild and he doubted Scout’s Mom had been.

“Remember if you damage it you are going to pay for it,” Spy said loud enough to break through to Scout.

Scout stopped, not even breathing hard. “Yeah, yeah, I know, don’t worry, it’ll be fine. It’s cool though, I look badass.” He grabbed the edges of the cape and pulled them out and above above his head, making it splay out like wings behind him. “It’s soft too and smells nice.”

“Yes, yes, can we go now?” Spy had dressed up too. He’d strongly considered dressing up in something that would embarrass Scout, meaning something silly, but this was their first Halloween together and Scout was excited for it so Spy would embarrass him in some other way later. Instead he put on a different coloured suit and a masquerade mask, wearing his normal mask underneath just in case. Scout had expressed disappointment with it until Spy had distracted by letting him put on his costume. “The sooner we start the sooner we can get this over with.”

“Yes, let’s go get free candy.” Scout grabbed the pillowcase he’d brought with him into Spy’s quarters – hopefully he’d at least washed it before deciding to use it like this, knowing him though it was unlikely – and headed back out. Spy had to fast walk to keep up with him.

Outside the base’s minivan was already out of the garage and the rest of the team was crowding around it. Everyone except for Sniper was heading to town to do Halloween stuff, namely getting drunk or going to parties. Which is what Spy used to think Halloween was all about since he’d never participated in it before, often choosing to hang out alone or occasionally with Sniper while everyone else took the given time off to goof off in town.

They all wore Halloween costumes. Pyro was dressed as a pink pony over his seemingly ever-present fireproof suit. Engie wore cat ears and nothing else special, lazy bum. Demoman was dressed as a pirate, not a costume he wore only on Halloween though so did it really count? Solider was decked out in American flag stuff, which was hardly a costume at all but not much more could be expected from him. Medic and Heavy had a Frankenstein theme going on, who even knew what they’d be up to in town?

Thankfully not much talk was exchanged before they all piled in. It was a tight uncomfortable squeeze but the drive wasn’t long.

 -

It seemed the entirety of Tuefort decorated for Halloween. ‘Spooky’ stuff was everywhere, it was almost as bad as Christmas time except the decorations were tackier. Scout was hyped about it though from the moment they were out of the car, he yammered about Halloween stuff, his Boston accent thickening to near incomprehensibility as it often did when he got too excited – or drank too much coffee. As a result, Spy understood maybe one in every three words or so and he wasn’t given any time to interject so he resigned himself to just riding it out.

He kept an eye on their surroundings out of habit. Most of the rest of the trick-or-treaters were young people, a lot of kids and some teenagers. As suspected Scout was too old for this but the vast majority had at least one parent with them and Spy hadn’t been there to do this with Scout when he was the proper age so he’d humor him this year at least. With how loud and obnoxious Scout was he could probably be mistaken for a teenage anyway, as long as no one looked too closely or recognized him.

Scout approached the first house with Spy a step or two behind him. He rung the doorbell and an older lady answered it. “Trick-or-Treat,” he said, holding his pillow case open. She gave him an odd look before shrugging and dropping a small handful of candy into his bag from a large bowl by the door.

“See? Free candy,” Scout said as they moved back. “I’ll share some of it with you if you want.”

“No thanks.” Spy had tried American candy before and was not a fan. “Make sure none of it has been opened before you eat it.” It wasn’t likely anyone would poison candy intended for children but it was still a possibility.

“Yeah, I know.”

They continued on like that, if anyone had a problem with an adult taking advantage of the holiday to get free candy no one said anything. Aside from the garishness of the decorations and some of the costumes, it wasn’t too bad. If Spy had been alone he’d have been basically invisible, despite being out in the open no one paid him any mind. No one even paid much attention to Scout, he wasn’t the only loud person on the streets tonight and considering the fact that he was sober he wasn’t the worst of them either.

He talked at Spy between houses about Halloween stuff, movies, traditions, things he’d done during the holiday in the past, such as pulling pranks – sometimes kind of cruel – on his brothers or neighbours or pranks that had been pulled on him, often not nice ones from his brothers. A bit calmer, he was easier to understand. Though he still rarely gave Spy and opportunity to reply. Whatever though as long as he was happy Spy didn’t really care. And well, since he hadn’t been there, he was interested by the tales of Scout’s childhood.

At the speed he had them walking and the amount of houses that gave out candy here – apparently a lot compared to where Scout grew up in Boston – it wasn’t too long before Scout’s pillowcase was filled with candy. It was almost midnight too and the number of trick-or-treaters had thinned significantly. Meaning it was time to stop.

“You sure you don’t want some?” Scout asked. They were sitting on a park bench near where the car was parked and he was already stuffing his face with candy.

“I’m sure,” Spy replied. He was tired and wanted to go home. This outing hadn’t been as bad as it could’ve been but he was ready for it to be done now.

They sat there and waited for the others to show up. Scout was now too busy sorting through and eating candy to chat much, meaning they sat in silence. Spy was more than fine with that but he wished he’d brought a pack of cigarettes with him, he could use one right about now.

“Howdy partners.”

Spy looked up and over to see their teammates finally approaching – minus Sniper of course. Engie was walking in front, holding a hand up in greeting. Heavy walked behind him, Medic either passed out or asleep in his arms. Pyro walked with Demoman, righting him whenever he staggered too far in one direction or another as he continued to drink despite the fact he’d clearly had more than enough already, he was going to drink himself to death if this continued. And Soldier took up the rear, marching as if he were in a parade, typical.

“What happened to Medic?” Scout asked as they stood up.

“Drunk too much,” Heavy said with a shrug. “He’ll be grouch tomorrow so watch out.”

“You guys have fun?” Engie asked after peeking back over his shoulder to check on Demo and Pyro.

“Yeah, look at how much free candy we got.” Scout proudly held up the pillow case. Most of it was probably cheap and low quality, not that Scout would care.

“Let’s go, I have stuff I need to do tomorrow before we go back to fighting the next day,” Spy said. “I’ll drive.” He held out a hand towards Engie and Engie obediently tossed him the keys, meaning as suspected, he’d been drinking too even if it was nowhere near as much as the others.

“Shotgun.” Scout took off towards the car, running at top speed. Spy could only sigh and shake his head before following him, going much more slowly. Scout would just have to stand there, waiting for however long it took the rest of them to reach the car too.

 -

The drive back was uneventful other than Demoman finally passing out halfway through. It was past one the morning before they finally arrived back at the base. Spy parked in the garage and they all unloaded and went their separate ways to go to their rooms.

“Hey uh… Spy, Dad,” Scout interrupted Spy before he could head into his rooms.

“Yeah?” Spy turned back to face him.

“Thanks for uh… humoring me tonight. I know it’s not really your thing and all but… it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, I… really appreciate it.” Rubbing the back of his neck, not once did Scout look up to meet Spy’s eyes. Which was probably for the best, Spy didn’t know how to react and his unsureness undoubtedly showed in his eyes before he got his expression under control again.

“You are very welcome.” He hadn’t had fun but… it didn’t matter as long as Scout did.

“And I didn’t tear your cloak.” Scout grinned, looking up but still not meeting Spy’s gaze. They were both bad at this whole family thing, huh? At least they were trying though, right? “I suppose you probably want it back now huh?”

“No, you can keep it.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.” Spy had no real use for it and he could easily buy another if the need ever arose.

“Awesome. You’re the best, Dad. But I’ll let you go to bed now, I know you old people need your sleep.” Scout zoomed off down the hall, holding the cape up to make it flutter behind him.

Spy stared after him, grateful he’d been in a rush to leave, not even offended by the comment about him being old – it was true anyway. Scout of course hadn’t meant the other part like that, Spy was not and never would the best dad. It had just been a phrase, nothing more, but… it was nice to hear anyway.

He groaned at himself and he unlocked his door and stepped in. He was getting sappy in his old age. He should maybe stop and hardened up but… who cared? His son was an effective mercenary, he could take care of himself, so they could be family without much worry. Which was what they both wanted anyway so why fight it?

[x9937552]

Exhausted

I've been working 40 hours consistently since I started my new job. I feel grateful that I've been able to pay my bills on time, but I'm still barely getting by.

My hours are getting cut and I'm stressing out about it already. I've been able to earn just enough to pay rent on time. I've been wanting to sell some of my clothes online, but I doubt it would be profitable. I've also thought about selling my plasma. I'm gonna call the place on my next day off for sure.

I've lost a lot of weight because I'm secretly starving myself. It started in August when I house-sat my sister's apartment. I was so alone and sad and poorer. Then I got the hang of the habit. I'm still too broke to afford a lot of groceries anyway. I've been paying for everything (except half of the car payments because my mom and I go half on that, and there's that one time she lent me 1,000 to pay my rent-which I still haven't been able to pay her back) because my dad is still unemployed. I hope his lawyer contacts him any day now. I hope it's enough money to have us part ways so I can finally live without the constant stress that he impresses on my life.

I'm so fucking tired of living with him and his nonchalance. I'm so fucking tired of being ashamed and disgusted about where I live. I want a beautiful home that I'm proud of- one that I wouldn't be too embarrassed to bring people over. One that wouldn't inhibit me from making friends for the last ten fucking years or so that I've lived here. Because no matter how non-judgmental people can hopefully be, I can't be at peace with letting people see my home. It's falling apart, dirty, and full of resentment.

My sister offered me to move in to her garage. I'd be paying significantly less than I'm paying now, which would be great, but I'd ideally like to live on my own, which I know is impossible in fucking southern California.

[xllxxrbxg]

hmmm gold digger prank yaya call my aliens from mars and tell them to get the gold

hmmmm idkkkk. update ko lang sa life rn may bebe na me. karlo is his name. he's a nice guy. takes me out (not as a hitman) occasionally. I like how he treats me; he gives me freedom. And it only means he trusts me very well. I dont have any idea where he gets the energy to trust me, but that's how it goes. Kinda shocking ba na may bebe na me hihi kakasabi ko lang sa las entry ko na ayoko maging taken GAGI tapos here i am parang clown. Pero anyways, masarap lang din sa feeling na may nakakaappreciate sayo nang ganun. Tho we just met palang and since day 1 of that meeting him personally, magkalandian na kami agad AHSDHAHDHA kasi sa chat di naman kami nag flirt in any way usap lang lagi. And di ko rin sya feel non sa chat kasi parang ang kulit na ewan, pero LOOK AT ME. So ayon naglaplapan kami the other other week pa. Make out game strongk naman kahit papano pero man his hands ... they long asffff. Anyway ayon I asked for a hickey, gave me one, and the next morning I was scolded by mom lmfao WAS FUNNY TBH BECAUSE i didnt even try to hide it. And my tito also saw it he was like "ano yang nasa neck mo? bat may pasa" and i was like "ah hehe yung ano kasi yung necklace" AHASDHHADHASH AND MOM WAS THERE SHE WAS LIKE "yung necklace nya nagtala sa pagtulog nya *sips coffee bites bread* HAHAHAHHAHAHA OMFG but later on when we went to camalig she noticed it was a real hickey and yeah I got scolded because Im so pasaway daa. Anyways LOVE YOU MOM UWU! HEHE. So ayon nga ayoko na magpromis na maglolog in ako dito daily kasi di naman natutupad. Pero kahapon kwento ko lang mars nagsakay ako sa big bike GARA PAREH as in lahat nakatingin sa tormots nung kasama ko. Nameet ko lang din sa bumble tho tig vibe check ko man sya for several weeks. And sya rin kausap ko nung time na suicidal ako so goods naman. Ok naman sya may dead air lang kaso sometimes baka nagkakahiyaan and stuff. nilibre nya ako ng milk tea, AND HAHA KASI ang weirdt tho nagtanggal ako mask. Di ako usually natanggal mask, heck si jeff na bff q never pa ako nakita personally na walang mask HAHAHAHA Anw ayon was fun tho napa Holy Mary ako habang nakasakay sa likod niya. Kasi first of all the ride was bumpy, second of all the seat was small ASS!!! and walang hawakan sa likod. Anyway people were staing hihi I DO LOVE ATTENTION! I was wearing a tank top, cargo pants, combat boots, and on top of it all I had a tatt on my arm. DAMN SHAWDDIE @ ME. LOL. Loved the temporary feeling of royalty. Gara ba naman ng motor. It was green and black in color and it was a cool ass expensive motor !! it was worth 300k+ if irc. ANW ayun had fun naman. Tho I mostly did it so that I would stray from depression but I am still depressed. I have to do something about it INTERNALLY and deal with it with myself. And stop going out with people as a shortcut to heal the depression. But anw ayun I am glad there are people that go out with me because I am sad. Plus I am grateful Karlo allows me to go out with my other friends despite that they are guys. Man that guy trusts me so much, I will not break it. Anyways he's a nice guy, but at the same time you cant have it all yk. I dont like it when he walks ahead of me just cause he has longer legs and bikes, but we can work on that. Anyways, people underestimate people on bumble. Some guys don't look like it but theyre actually rich. First example i have is AJ. he aint lookin rich man. If anything, he looks like he smokes 8 packs a day. But I was wrong he actually smokes 9. CHAROT. Mans was like teasing me most of the time and I GOT PISSED SO I FIRED BACK. but days passed he sent me 1.3k--- LIKE WHAT FOR WHAT????? I was mean yet he knew I needed something to cheer me up and HE SENT MONEY?? WHO THE FUCK SENDS 1.3K AHAHAHHAHAH SHET GANDALANGTALAGAMINSANMARS Then the other one I met just yesterday was dustin. He goes to school at UST manila and he treated me outside too. He owns the 300k motor BUT TELL YOU WHAT HE AINT LOOKIN RICH ON HIS PROFILE. If anything, I wouldnt swipe right tbh but apprarently, I did. So lesson here is dont judge people by their looks,

actually try to have a conversation with them, and treat them fairly and not be mean just because its online. Also, mostly the goodlooking ones on these dating apps are the asshole ones lmfao. Tho there are guys who look like literal shit and are assholes too. Lol anyway the third one is Karlo which I started seeing a month ago. I met up with him because I was visiting Naga temporarily and then I got bored. Supposedly I would meet up with miki because we were talking for sometime already but he was not making things happen so I just grabbed whoever was available that time and it was Karlo. Was hesitant at first, because I didnt match the vibe he had online and was too makulit for me. But to my surprise on our very first meeting, he picked me up with a fortuner. I thought he'd bring a clanky ass car or somn when he said he'd borrow from his father. Anw, was nervous when I entered the car because I was unfamiliar with the person and it was sinking into me that it could be my last day on earth. So I was like yeah he might have a car yada yada yada didnt pay much attention just yet. So we went to this field apparently people call it naga view. not much too see just overlooking the city. IT WAS A DAMN FIELD!!!!!! IDK WTD BUT HE TOOK ME THERE I WAS READY TO FIGHT FOR MY LIFE I HAD A CUTTER WITH MEEE anways.... was fun date. we had to return the car by 3 we were kinda late. so we went to his house was a nice house it had an office. was then again surprised to see a signange with their surname on it and it entailed they had a realty firm. And also turns out they own a damn resort. bro. both of his parents are engineers and are real estate brokers. and it ain even show on the pfffppp man people on bumble really be keeping it lowkey. Pero yeah he isnt rich, his parents are. that makes him a rich kid. But anw di ko naman habol money ew im not like that. I may like free stuf, but I dont chase people for money unless theyre my client or if i lent money lmfao. Just surprises me how people be rich. like damn his bike is like 130k...... man what in the wealth.... also theres zef. another good friend of mine. his dads a lawyer. idk but they seem rich plus his bike costs 65k...... thats cheper than karlos but like........... yall underestimate bikers too. man they RICH. tho you can get budget bikes but idk how youll keep up with guys that has feather weight expensive ass bikes that they hoist up single handedly LMAO. eat the rich. anyways i guess this is what this entry is all about. Me making kwento about people that are rich. I will get rich soon too. I know God will help us get what we deserve after all that losing, it is time to win. <3333

[inbetween75]

I’ve been very down lately. Moreso than normal really. I know everyone else s under stress but the love of my life decided 6 weeks ago that I was suddenly a liar and he also accused me of cheating. What’s funny is, he never wanted a label on our relationship yet if he thought I was out with another man, I was cheating.

First off, I never cheated, secondly I couldn’t have been more transparent in our relationship. Maybe I was too honest and it made me look like I was lying idk?

I fell in love with this man 3 years ago but we dated on and off for a year and a half, then he finally said he was ready for commitment. He was a Muslim and in his sect you have to have a temporary marriage to have sex. I took this very seriously. Even though he said we were just friends, we were having sex. We practically lived together during the first lockdown and it was perfect!!! He made me love myself again, he made me laugh again, he brought life back into me. We never bickered or quarrelled, nothing! Then 5 months in BANG, he says it’s never gonna work forget it. Let’s just be friends. I said I can’t because I don’t think friends have sex as much as we did. That wasn’t friendship it was more.

Now, he came from Iraq about 11 years ago and he definitely admittedly he has PTSD. When he’s in a low, he hates the world and all who dwells on it. I already knew this and that’s why I stayed positive and understanding even when he had these outbursts. In this sense I was always walking on eggshells wondering why, if things are so perfect between us, does he have to have these terrible thoughts. I wanted him to get help. He finally admitted to me that he needed help and needed no one in his life while he got his help. What he didn’t realized is, I personally have struggled with PTSD personally from a VERY abusive childhood and a trauma of losing a sibling when I was 7, discovering my sister’s body, and telling my parents she was dead, so I truly understood where he was coming from. I explained to him that the scariest part for me was just admitting that I had issues, but when I finally found the right therapist, I healed. It wasn’t overnight, I fought it for years, but when I did, I regretted putting my life on hold for so many years. The clouds parted and the sun shone on my face for the first time in my memorable life. You can’t fight the help. You have to embrace it and you can’t do it alone. You need support. My support was my mom. I wanted to be his support. I’m so strong mentally now, I can handle carrying another’s burdens. But after 2 months he lashed out at me again.

I’ve been divorced 3 years, separated 5. I have been waiting on a pension for that long. Partially my fault, partially my old banks fault, but waiting nonetheless. I have actively been fighting to get it since October last year. I don’t receive child support by choice, and I’m on disability due to a back injury 10 years ago. So I decided to apply to receive my pension early due to my disability. So it’s taken a long time. I received a letter at the end of February to say I had to send another thing in before they will release the funds. At which point it’ll be another 60 days once they get it. Well, my “friend” and I discussed how he wanted to buy a house in Iraq currently because it’s so cheap and the economy is starting to climb again now that the war is over. I said I could lend him some money when I received my pension. Now originally I thought I could take out a lump sum up to 50% of what I have and I said I could definitely help him out. I was misinformed regarding the amount. When I found out, I informed my friend what was going on. Then I found out I’m only allowed X amount and 30% will be taken off the top! That’s highway robbery but, I love my friend and I really wanted to make this dream happen for him, so I told him what they’re going to do and he said do it. Instead of paying my debts though, I should claim bankruptcy and keep my money. Um... how am I going to hide that amount of income??? I can’t. I have to tell disability every penny I spend of that money or else they will cut off my disability. When I initially got divorced they cut me off 6 months because they felt my $13,000 I received was more than enough for 6 months. Let’s just do the math here. I pay $1250 for my rent X 6 months equals $7500, then I have gas, hydro, fuel for my car, insurance, and 2 kids to boot. But I managed to get through.

Anyway, I miss the love of my life and I’m trying to get past him. I’ve signed up for online dating again but I’m just not quite feeling it yet. I’m not excited to go out there again. My heart is still in Iraq I guess. I just wish war didn’t happen and fear of judgement on mental health problems. He’s a man so it’s even harder for him because he’s filled with testosterone, pride, and I’m sorry to say, culture differences on this subject. But I would have held his hand, lent my shoulder, and hugged him unconditionally. I love him unconditionally but unless he’s healthy, he’s right, it will never work.