#but on this very specific subject it’s like yeah i could not have less trust in someone | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lonelywhalien22 · 2 years ago

Text

pretty lies - part nine (finale)

pairing: vernon x reader

rating/genre: enemies to lovers, slow burn, ANGSTY fluff, band au

summary: supporting your friend mingyu becomes way more than you ever could have bargained for when you become involved with one of his bandmates

warnings: cussing, vernon has issues in this story but please remember this is a work of fiction, mingyu stans don’t hate me but mingyu and reader are just friends

*credit: the lyrics referenced in this chapter are not mine, they are from the actual song black eye by vernon. and if you really wanna nerd out with me, listen to the band live session version he released, as that is what i imagined specifically while writing this part - trust me, it hits different.*

word count: 6.4k

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~One year later~

“Ok, I think that’s enough for today,” you said to yourself, wiping the back of your hand across your brow as you stood up from your crouched position. You glanced around your apartment, trying to find your glass of water as you caught your breath.

Your living room was full of cardboard boxes, some of them taped shut with short descriptions scribbled hastily on the outside while others were still open, various items thrown inside haphazardly. It was spring once again, but instead of the seasonal cleaning you loved to indulge in at the first sign of sunny skies and warmer temperatures, you were moving out.

When you’d first been contacted about a competitive job offer a few months ago, you had immediately dismissed the idea. Though the hiring manager had been highly impressed with your skillset, the work would be notably different from what you were used to doing at your old job, and you doubted whether you could handle the requirements of the role. Your hesitation only became stronger when you were informed that you’d also have to relocate to take on the position.

What about my family? Mingyu and the rest of my friends? The life I have here? You’d spent weeks pondering the possible scenarios and all the things that would change if you took the offer, and you’d almost talked yourself into declining it. That was until you realized how much had already changed.

It had been nine months since the guys had left to go work on their recording with Woozi. You still remembered the final hugs you’d given to Jay and Mingyu at the airport before they’d gone through security, a certain third person having not yet arrived. You still wondered to this day if he’d purposely chosen to show up as late as possible or if it was you who had come extra early to avoid having to interact. Perhaps it was both.

You and Mingyu had facetimed pretty regularly for the first month that they were gone. Sometimes you’d even see Jay in the background during your video chats as well, the two of you exchanging greetings and asking how the other was doing. By the time the second month had come around however, the distance made it hard to always remember to keep in touch. Eventually you all became busier and busier, your lives naturally moving in different directions. No matter how much time passed though, Mingyu always made sure to at the very least share the bigger updates with you:

“Why’s it taking so long to finish recording? I thought you guys would have been back by now,” you asked during one of your monthly catch ups. It had been four months at this point since they’d left.

“Yeah me too. Woozi wanted it out sooner but his team advised against it. They thought it’d be best to let some time pass between the competition and the release so there would be less of a chance of his image getting tarnished with all the drama from the fight.” Mingyu skirted over that last part quickly, knowing that it was still a sore subject for you. “But in a weird way it works out well - with the extra time, we’re gonna be able to write some more stuff and put together a whole EP.”

“What is that? Like five or six songs? That’s so amazing, I can’t wait to hear them!”

“You know, you could always get a sneak peak if you flew out here for a few days,” Mingyu offered once again. He’d been trying to get you to come for weeks now. “Nikki’s already seen me twice since we left!”

“She’s your girlfriend, of course she has. And you know I don’t have the time anyways - my boss would never let me take off for that long.” It was true that your job was a pain in the ass, but you and Mingyu both knew you had other reasons for not coming to visit in person.

“Just promise you’ll come see us perform when the EP is released.”

“Of course. I’ll be there.”

Now in the present, when you really thought about it, you realized that there wasn’t much tying you to the place in which you currently resided. Watching Mingyu and the guys for so long had given you a taste of all the possibilities life had to offer, and you were tired of limiting yourself to what you currently knew when it wasn’t really doing you any favors anyways. The job offer had just been the final push you needed, and at last you felt ready and excited to pursue your own little sort of adventure. Even if it wasn’t as glamorous as flying across the country to work with world-renowned producers, it was yours and yours alone.

You pushed the boxes you’d been working on packing up to a corner of the room, ready to call it a day, when you heard your phone ring from somewhere in your apartment. Taking a few moments to find it amongst all the disarray, you managed to answer right before it went to voicemail.

“Hey, what time did you say your flight was landing?” It was Mingyu. You could hear lots of commotion in the background wherever he was, voices and instruments faintly reaching your ears.

“Should be around eleven in the morning.” With the career change you had several weeks of cherished personal time before you began your new job. Besides the time you’d need to relocate, you were finally able to take a few days to visit Mingyu and see what the band had been working on for yourself.

“Shit, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to meet you at the airport. We’re putting the final touches on some stuff and won’t be done until around one.” You could hear the regret in his voice, but all you could do was chuckle in response.

“I’m gonna get there Thursday and I’ll be staying all the way through the weekend. Trust me, you’re not missing much. Airports suck anyways.”

“I know, but still. We’re all looking forward to seeing you. It’s been way too long.”

You couldn’t help but wonder who was included in that “we,” but there was no way you were gonna ask.

“Well, that’ll all be fixed very soon,” you said instead, glancing over at your half packed suitcase.

“I’ll see if Nikki can meet you at the airport instead since she’s also visiting,” Mingyu offered. You squealed in excitement. Since the guys had left, you and Mingyu’s girlfriend had become pretty close, unsurprisingly. What had at first seemed like an obligatory relationship born out of a common bond had over time blossomed into a true friendship. She was definitely going to be someone you missed hanging out with when you moved.

“You should have started with that option,” you joked as you tried to figure out how many pairs of socks you needed to pack and where on earth you’d put them. “Tell her I need someone to show me around when I get there.”

“She’ll be glad to hear that,” Mingyu said happily before he was interrupted by someone on his end. “Y/n, I gotta go. But we’ll see you soon, ok?” he finished quickly.

“See you soon.”

—————

When your flight landed, it only took you a handful of minutes to find Nikki, the brunette jumping up and down excitedly as soon as she caught sight of you in baggage claim.

“Hey -” you greeted, letting out a slight “oof” as she gave you a big hug before immediately taking the bags you’d been carrying out of your hands.

“I’m so excited you’re here! How was the flight?”

“Good, just glad there weren’t any delays,” you said as you took a deep breath. You couldn’t believe you were really here, about to see the guys in person again after nearly a year.

“I know you’re probably hungry, but do you think you’d be good with just some snacks for now?” Nikki asked. “I tried talking him out of it but Mingyu’s insisting on everyone meeting up for lunch after they finish for today.”

“That’s fine,” you said as you began looking around for some place where you could buy some fruit or a salad, craving something fresh after being forced to eat airplane food. Nikki noticed the look in your eye, the way in which you immediately distracted yourself at the mention of the lunch. It was something that only she could have picked up on besides Mingyu, the two of them knowing the most about your past with a certain someone.

“In case you were wondering, he will be there,” she said softly, following behind you as you picked out a snack from a nearby stall and found your wallet to pay. “I just thought you’d wanna know.”

You let out a sigh.

“I appreciate that, but I’m fine. It’s been months,” you said simply.

Nikki only stared back at you, her brow raised slightly as she tried to keep herself from calling you out on your bullshit.

“Really. I am,” you insisted. “Is it gonna be awkward at first? Yeah, probably. But this was bound to happen at some point. Let’s hope he doesn’t hate me and everything should be fine,” you said jokingly at the end, hoping she’d believe you then.

“Ok…” Nikki said. She piped up again after a few beats. “You know y/n, he’s changed - since being out here.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s not the same person he was the night of the Battle of the Bands competition.”

“Nikki,” you said with a warning tone, not liking where this was going.

“I’m not telling you to get back with him or anything,” her hands raised themselves innocently into the air. “I just don’t want you to let the way things ended between you two a year ago get in the way of you having a good time while you’re here,” she said gently.

“Thank you for that, but for the last time, I promise I am fine. Now - no more guy talk. Wasn’t there some thrift store you wanted to show me?” You brought up her weakness for clothes in an effort to change the subject once and for all.

“Say less,” Nikki said eagerly as she ushered you out of the airport and the two of you caught a ride to the hotel.

—————

“Y/n!”

Mingyu immediately pulled you into a hug that was even stronger than Nikki’s from earlier when he saw you. You couldn’t help the toothy smile that emerged on your face.

“Hey Mingyu,” you said simply. You really had missed your friend so much.

“Let her breathe,” Nikki chided playfully.

“Yeah, leave some hugs for the rest of us,” Jay said, arms open wide as you gave him a hug next.

“It’s so great to see you guys. I missed everyone so much.”

It was a little after one, and you and Nikki had finally met up with the guys to have a late lunch at a spot near the studio where they were recording. It was a bright and sunny day so you all had elected to eat at the patio seating out front. There was just one person missing though.

“Vernon’s running a little late but he’ll be here,” Mingyu said, seeing the question in your eyes. “He just had to finish going over some edits.”

Some things never change, you thought before you could stop yourself. You wondered if they were just covering for him with empty promises - if he’d somehow manage to avoid you for this entire trip.

You all finally sat down at a circular table outside. Mingyu and Nikki were to your right and Jay was to your left, leaving one last spot for Vernon just across from you.

“So what’s this I hear about you moving? And a new job? Congrats!” Jay started once a waitress had brought you all drinks. The four of you immediately began to catch up, most of the focus on you.

“I still can’t believe you’re gonna be gone,” Mingyu whined.

“I’m not dying, just moving. And now you know how I felt when you guys left,” you said playfully. “Who could have predicted we’d be spread all over the place like this?”

As you continued to chat, you couldn’t help but reminisce about where you all had been just a year ago - struggling to get by and constantly putting in overtime to make things work with the band, your day jobs, and your personal lives. And now look at you all, on your way to better things. It made you feel so proud when you really thought about it.

“I’m really sorry I’m late you guys.”

You all looked up at the interruption, seeing Vernon approach the table in a bit of disarray. He was clad in a simple white tee and light wash denim jeans, an unbuttoned light blue collared shirt layered over his tee. As he sat down, his hand came up to brush some hair out of his face, but a few stray strands fell onto his forehead anyways.

“Was it the sound engineer guy again?” Mingyu asked him knowingly with a smirk. Vernon laughed in response.

“Yeah - he went on a rant about compression techniques this time.”

“I told you to stop asking him questions,” Jay threw in, “you’re too curious for your own good sometimes man.”

“I know, I can’t help it, but anyways - ”

He looked over at you, a polite smile on his face as he scooted up his chair.

“Hi y/n.”

“Hi Vernon,” you said curtly with a tight-lipped smile. You looked down at the menu in your hands, eyes skimming over the entrees again even though you already knew what you wanted to order.

“So,” Nikki started, clearing her throat in the lingering silence. “What did you all work on today?”

“Just rehearsing the songs from the EP in preparation for the showcase,” Mingyu responded, the two of them tag-teaming on moving the conversation along.

“Vern’s been instrumental in helping us craft some amazing songs,” Jay propped the man up with a pat to his back.

“It’s all thanks to Woozi really,” Vernon brushed off shyly, but Mingyu shook his head adamantly.

“Don’t sell yourself short bro, you’ve done some great work on this.”

“I can’t wait to hear it,” Nikki piled on another compliment.

“Thanks guys.” Vernon let out a cheeky smile, looking down at his lap for a moment before fiddling with the menu on the table to distract himself, his cheeks burning.

You hadn’t really taken Nikki seriously at first when she’d said so earlier, but she was right - something was different about Vernon. He seemed lighter somehow. And it was quickly becoming apparent to you that the guys had grown much closer after working on music together for the last nine months. You could see it immediately in the way they interacted with each other, the three of them trading jokes and stories easily as you all waited for the waitress to come back.

“What’s that you mentioned about a showcase?” you asked.

“We’re putting on a performance the day after the EP is released,” Jay explained. “Woozi and Seventeen are gonna make an appearance as well, so we’ll likely be performing in front of thousands.”

“That’s incredible,” you said with a stunned expression.

“It’s part of the reason I wanted you to come this weekend specifically,” Mingyu said. “I’m not sure the timing would have lined up so nicely if you didn’t already happen to be moving -”

Nikki nudged Mingyu, cutting him off with a stern look, but it was too late.

“Wait, you’re moving?”

You looked back over at Vernon, his brow furrowing as he looked at you with a crestfallen expression. No one had told him?

“Yeah,” you said nervously, glancing over at him for a second before looking away again. You reached for your glass of lemonade, taking a sip so you didn’t have to say anything else, another awkward silence filling the table.

“So, what can I get you all,” the waitress finally appeared, ready to take your orders.

You’d never felt more thankful for a distraction.

—————

The rest of lunch had gone as smoothly as it could have considering the circumstances, with everyone mainly focused on their food. Mingyu, Jay and Nikki did most of the talking, sharing more stories from their time away from home as you politely listened along, soaking up just how much you had missed and throwing in a question or two from time to time. You tried your best to keep from looking at Vernon, which wasn’t really all that hard considering he stayed quiet for the rest of the meal. When his name came up in the conversation he’d always give a smile or a nod, laughing along at Mingyu’s ridiculous exaggerations, but besides that he gave no input.

“Well this was fun,” you said as you all walked out of the restaurant. “I guess we can hang out more tomorrow when you guys are finished with work again?”

“Actually…we were wondering if you’d come with us to the studio,” Mingyu suggested. “We wanna show you what we’ve been working on.”

“Really? Now?” you said in surprise. “Are you sure?” You’d assumed you wouldn’t be able to hear any of the actual songs until the official release of the EP.

Jay nodded before adding on, “As of today, the mastering is done so the songs are officially finished.” You noticed how he looked over at Vernon briefly, the man’s face a little red with eyes averted and hands tucked in his pockets quietly, before he continued. “We all agreed awhile ago that we wanted you to be the first outside of the production team to listen to it, as a thank you for all of your support.”

You felt honored, nearly tearing up at their words. It was such a kind gesture that you didn’t bother worrying too much about the fact that you’d have to spend even more time around Vernon. Like Nikki had said earlier, you didn’t want your history with him to stop you from sharing in such a precious moment.

“You guys…this is really sweet…”

“We know. Now come on,” Mingyu ushered you towards him eagerly.

You looked back at Nikki in confusion as she kept her place on the sidewalk.

“Go on,” she said with a smile. “The guys insisted you had to hear it first. Alone.” She said that last part with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. “I’ll be waiting for you back at the hotel.”

—————

“Wow,” was the first word that left your mouth when you and the guys arrived at the studio.

The main area was bigger than the living room of your old apartment, a bunch of fancy recording equipment with hundreds of knobs and dials against one wall to your right. Comfy couches and chairs adorned the wall that was directly across, with plush carpets and decorative little knickknacks accenting the space. The recording booth was its own room, separated from everything else by a shiny sleek glass. When you peeked inside you saw a plethora of instruments and mic stands, and you even recognized Vernon’s guitar sitting in one corner.

“Crazy, right?” Mingyu urged you on with an elbow to your arm before he plopped himself into one of the chairs near the control booth. Vernon and Jay had already seated themselves.

“Sit down!” Mingyu said, patting the last empty chair, which was beside him but also just so happened to be next to Vernon. You knew it was just by chance and that Mingyu would never set you up like that purposely, but that didn’t stop the nervousness that bubbled in your stomach.

“No way am I sitting that close to the controls,” you tried joking as an excuse. “I’m scared I’ll break something.”

You backed up towards the couch against the opposite wall, planning to sit there instead, but the devastated look on Mingyu’s face made you stop in your tracks. Unable to take anymore of his expression, you glanced over at Vernon on instinct and your heart fell even more when you saw the way he immediately looked down at his lap, scratching the back of his head despondently.

Fuck. Was I that obvious? you thought, immediately feeling stupid for making things awkward.

“I can switch with Jay if - ” Vernon started, but you quickly cut him off.

“No! No it’s fine,” you said, shaking your head before taking a step forward. “I’ll just - ” you didn’t bother finishing that sentence because what were you supposed to say exactly? No, it’s fine, I’ll just sit down next to my ex instead of making you all switch chairs because I still feel weird about breaking up with him? That would have been even more embarrassing. Maybe Nikki was right - you weren’t as over your past with Vernon as you’d thought.

You finished making your way to the final seat at the booth and promptly sat down, folding your hands in your lap as you tried to muster up some semblance of poise.

“Show me what you guys have been working on.”

Mingyu looked at you seriously for a moment, making sure you were really ok first. Once you gave him a genuine smile and elbowed him playfully, he released a breath, the anticipation growing on his face again.

“Jay, can you play the first track?” he asked.

“Sure thing man.” The bassist clicked away on a nearby monitor before sitting back, sound beginning to flow from the speakers.

For the next half hour or so, you listened to several of the songs the guys had spent months crafting, worries quickly melting away as you couldn’t help but absorb yourself completely into the music. At the end of each one you immediately gushed over the melody, production elements, or other details, Mingyu and Jay eagerly offering in-depth input on more of the behind-the-scenes process. Vernon also chimed in from time to time, slowly becoming more comfortable as he gave insight on lyrical choices or even helped to elaborate upon your comments when you struggled to articulate in technical terms what it was you’d noticed in each song - “We added some more reverb here in the bridge,” “Woozi had them redo the mixing so many times on this song so they could capture Jay’s pedaling,” “That bit you’re hearing is a layer of syncopation over the main melody.” It was hard not to notice the passion in his voice. It exuded from him every time he spoke - an unbridled joy you had never seen before. You found it endearing, a smile slowly growing on your face the more you watched him.

The fourth track was the official recording of Visions. The four of you stayed completely quiet throughout the entirety of this song, fully absorbing Vernon’s raw vocals and the way they glided over the rich instrumental. Goosebumps covered your skin by the end.

“Vernon…that was beautiful.”

You were the first to interrupt the silence that filled the space afterwards, unable to stop yourself from looking directly at him. Despite everything that had happened, Visions would always make you feel something that was hard to put into words. You two didn’t have to still be together for you to regard that song with incredible care and awe.

“Thank you…that means a lot,” Vernon said, holding your gaze timidly for a moment before looking down, rubbing his hands across his jeans. He hoped you couldn’t see in his eyes how much your words still meant to him, after all this time.

“Thank you for trusting us with it,” Jay added in, Mingyu nodding along.

No more words had to be said, the group of you sitting comfortably in the silence for a little longer before Mingyu quietly spoke up again.

“There’s just one more song left,” he said, eyebrows beginning to wiggle mischievously.

“There is?” you asked, curiosity peaked at the thought of even more music to listen to. But Vernon’s head jerked back up in panic at Mingyu’s words.

“N-No. There’s not,” he said abruptly, eyes wide as he quickly shook his head in denial. He looked legitimately scared.

“We discussed this already and you said you’d do it. I really think it’s best you stick to your word,” Mingyu said to Vernon, getting up from his chair and patting him on the back before walking towards the door. “Y/n. You good?”

“Yes…?” you said, appreciating his checking in before he seemingly left you alone with your ex.

“No - Mingyu wait -” Vernon said.

“You got this bro.”

“Rarely do I say it, but for once I’d have to agree with Mingyu here,” Jay said as he also got up and retreated towards the studio door. “Plus he stole my guitar pics and won’t give them back unless I agree to this plan so…”

The two bandmates exited the room, the door closing with a sort of finality as you and Vernon were left alone together in the studio.

What is happening right now? Why the hell would I tell Mingyu I was ok with this? Your mind went into overdrive as you fully processed the situation you’d so easily gotten yourself into, and yet, there was another part of you with so many questions that you found yourself glued to your seat.

If it was any consolation, Vernon looked just as unnerved as you.

“I’m sorry. I swear I had no idea they were gonna do this, I promise,” he said as he glanced over at you, immediately feeling the need to explain.

This wasn’t how he’d imagined sharing this last song with you. If he was being honest, he’d never been able to figure out how to go about it, or if he should even try at all. So now that you were right here, sitting beside him again after a whole year had passed, he felt himself panicking. When all he heard was your silence in response, he continued to ramble on nervously.

“You can totally leave if you want. I won’t stop you.” It may have sounded like a cruel suggestion, but to Vernon it would actually have been so much easier if you did - if you left him again just like you had at that bench by the river a year ago. That way he wouldn’t have to reopen an old wound - wouldn’t have to rub salt in something he wasn’t entirely sure had healed. He could just continue to live in denial, never again having to confront the pain that had been so much of his existence or the hurt from his past with you.

“Why did you decide to record Visions? After everything that happened?” Vernon finally heard you ask instead.

It was something that had tormented you nearly every day since your breakup, the question coming to you randomly late at night or when, against your better judgement, you’d listen to certain songs you knew would make you think of him. If you’d been in his shoes you didn’t think you could have done it, and so in this moment you found yourself desperate for an answer.

“I almost didn’t,” Vernon admitted, the confession spilling from his lips rather effortlessly once he’d recovered from his surprise. “But every time I tried to convince myself not to, I would think about the times I’d gotten to perform it on stage…” He looked forward, focusing on the recording booth before continuing. “I didn’t have the words for it then, but now I realize that it was healing - getting to share that song with others. And I think deep down there was a part of me that was tired of hurting myself as a way to cope with the things that had happened to me. So when you still asked me to record it, even after the way things ended, I couldn’t ignore that.” He looked over at you again, repeating your words from a year ago: “It’s like you said, I was tired of hiding in silence. So thank you - for encouraging me. I know that couldn’t have been easy.”

You weren’t sure what you thought you’d hear, but you certainly hadn’t expected something so…introspective.

“I’m glad. That it was healing for you.”

His words were their own kind of salve, freeing you from a self-inflicted purgatory you hadn’t realized you were in until that very moment.

“Sometimes I worried that maybe you hated me for it,” you acknowledged the last bit of fear you’d been holding in your heart.

“I can’t deny that I wasn’t upset at times, but I’ve never once hated you,” Vernon said earnestly. “Not even the first night we met - and not after you told me goodbye either.” He desperately needed you to know that.

You let his words seep into your heart, the look in his eyes telling you that he truly meant it, before you finally moved on. Once and for all.

“So,” you said with a deep exhale, suddenly finding it hard to hold his gaze. “What’s this last song? The one the guys want you to play for me?”

“Right. The song…” Vernon began with an anxious gulp - he’d almost forgotten why the two of you were in this situation to begin with. He mulled it over in his head for a second, trying to find the right words to explain what the song meant and why he’d written it, but eventually he realized that defeated the purpose. The song existed for this precisely - because he had always struggled to adequately articulate his feelings in any other way. So instead of stumbling over his words for any longer, he leaned over the control booth and pressed play:

Running 'round the whole city for someone

To look me in my eyes and tell me pretty lies

Teardrops keep blurring up my sight

And right now I'm driving in my car

Going so fast, baby, so fast, baby

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Don't leave me in the dark

You said you won't be far

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I can't stand the quiet

Is anyone out there?

I'm on my worst behavior

Don't stop me now

I fucking hate this world

So show me a way out

Wake me up from this nightmare, please

I can't stand this reality

I'm on my worst behavior

How you like me now?

Put a muzzle on me

I'll spit in your mouth

Wake me up from this nightmarе, please

I'm scarred and bruisеd with a black eyed face

Woke up on the highway

I didn't go home last night

What you know 'bout me?

I ain't got nothing

So why you keep coming to me?

With your innocent eyes, you smile so bright

Stop wasting your sunshine on me

'Cause I can't tell if it's real or a lie

Solitude

I got a couple friends

Just me, myself, and I

We play with fireworks all night

I'm okay

I'll just let it burn everything around me

'Cause you can't save me from my sadness

No, don't save me

I'm on my worst behavior

Don't stop me now

I fucking hate this world

So show me a way out

Wake me up from this nightmare, please

I can't stand this reality

I'm on my worst behavior

How you like me now?

Put a muzzle on me

I'll spit in your mouth

Wake me up from this nightmare, please

I'm scarred and bruised with a black eyed face

Turn on the radio all the way up

'Til your eardrums explode

Let's dance all night long

But if you come too close

I might just burn you whole

Turn my back and shut the door

Knock, knock

Is there anybody out there?

You couldn’t bring yourself to look at Vernon as the song filled the studio, body frozen in your seat even after it was finished. So many lyrics had stood out to you:

pretty lies

tears blurring up my sight

don’t leave me in the dark

you said you won’t be far

I can’t stand the quiet

on my worst behavior

didn't go home last night

what you know 'bout me?

your innocent eyes, you smile so bright

stop wasting your sunshine on me

can't tell if it's real or a lie

just let it burn everything around me

you can't save me from my sadness

black eyed face

“Y/n? Are you ok?” Vernon asked, turning his chair to face you fully as he saw your expression. He was terrified of what your reaction would be.

“I’m not sure…” you said honestly, finally looking over at him. “Are you ok?”

“I am, I promise. This is something I started writing around the time I joined the band. Right before I met you,” he tried to explain.

“But clearly that’s not when you wrote all of it - black eyed face? ” The more you went over the bits of lyrics you could remember, the more you saw parts of your relationship and his time with the band sprinkled all over it. You didn’t really know how to feel.

“You're right - I added different parts at different times until it all came together. It was my way of coping with what I was going through at the time…and eventually that included pieces of you too - pieces of us.”

“Pretty lies? Wasting my sunshine on you? Is that really all you remember when you think of our relationship? The painful parts?” you asked quietly, a little afraid to hear his answer.

“No, of course not,” Vernon looked at you gently. He wished he could hold your hand in that moment but he held himself back.

“Then I don’t understand. Why write this -”

“Because I love you,” Vernon said finally, his stomach dropping at the confession. He couldn’t bear the thought of you misinterpreting his words any longer. “I love you and I’m sorry for how things ended. For what I put you through. This song was my way of acknowledging that - not by attacking our relationship, but by putting myself back in that negative headspace and being open for once about the fact that I still had things to work through. When it was too late to be better for you or for the guys, I had to find a reason to be better for myself. And so I wrote this song as a reminder.”

You heard everything he said, but you could only focus on one thing.

“You love me?” you couldn’t help but ask, feeling strangely emotional for someone who had supposedly moved on.

“I mean…yeah. I’m not sure the feeling will ever go away,” Vernon’s face turned red as he decided to be completely honest with you.

“I…”

“You don’t have to say anything. I’m not asking you to take me back - it’s just something I want you to know.”

Just then you heard a noise on the other side of the door, the two of you looking over just in time to see Mingyu peek his head into the room.

“Sooo…the song’s good isn’t it???” the man blurted out, brows once again wiggling. “I was thinking we could call it Pretty Lies.”

You rolled your eyes playfully, ready to tell him to knock it off, but someone else beat you to it.

“Leave them alone!” you heard Nikki say, dragging him back by the collar of his shirt. You thought she was at the hotel, but apparently even she couldn’t stay away for long.

“What? I just wanna -” but the door promptly shut, blocking out Mingyu’s antics.

The two of them really were made for each other, you thought with a bit of admiration. You and Vernon couldn’t help but begin to laugh.

“I guess that means it’s time to wrap it up,” you started, standing as you gathered your belongings. Vernon followed suit, still facing you.

“Just so you know - the label doesn’t know about this song,” Vernon said. “And regardless of what Mingyu wants, I’m not sharing it unless you’re comfortable. The EP is great as is.”

“You’re right that it’s great,” you started, “but it’d be even better with this song. It’s really, really, good Vernon,” you said honestly. You couldn’t deny that, even if it had been a little surreal to listen to in the beginning.

“You sure?”

“I’m sure,” you said, walking towards him and reaching out for a hug. He was the only person you hadn’t given one to since arriving, though this one felt notably different from the others, the familiarity of his touch sparking something in you.

Vernon held on to you tightly, his head instinctively tucking into that familiar spot on the side of your neck while you rubbed his back softly, neither of you letting go.

“We’re gonna miss you. I’m gonna miss you,” he admitted once you two had lessened your hold enough to look at each other, the thought finally dawning on him that whenever he did finally return home, you wouldn’t be there waiting for him.

“I know. I will too,” you said wistfully. “But this doesn’t have to be goodbye forever, you know?”

You stood up on your tip toes then and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. It wasn’t one of fiery passion, nor was it one loaded with secrecy or shame or hurt. And to Vernon, it was his absolute favorite of any of the kisses you two had ever shared. When you looked up at him, you could barely hold in your laughter, his face morphing into the perfect mixture of bliss and confusion.

“But how? You’re moving,” Vernon couldn’t help but ask despite the happiness he felt.

“Slowly. We can visit each other. With my new job I’ve got more flexibility, and you’re all gonna be famous soon anyways,” you only half-joked. “Even when you guys finally do come home, I have a feeling you won’t be there for long…”

He looked down bashfully at that but you placed a hand to his face, angling it back towards you as you looked at him seriously again.

“Vernon. I want us to explore this - the way we are now. If you want to.”

“I do,” Vernon said confidently.

“Then we’ll figure it out,” you said assuredly. “I trust this. I trust us. Ok?”

“Ok.”

—————

When you and Vernon finally left the studio, you found Mingyu, Jay, and Nikki all waiting for you out in the lobby with bated breath. Nikki let out a near shriek when she saw that the two of you were holding hands.

“You guys have my blessing to include the final song,” you said immediately, deciding not to keep them in suspense for any longer.

“Oh thank god,” Mingyu immediately blurted out. “If I’m being honest it’s my favorite and I really wanna make it the single -” Nikki smacked Mingyu’s arm.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“‘Gyu would you please think before you speak???”

“What are you talking about??? You screamed before I said anything and have been gushing about double dates for the last five minutes.”

The two of them continued bickering playfully.

“What they’re trying to say is - we’re really thankful we get to share the song,” Jay translated. “And we’re happy for you guys.”

“I am too,” you chuckled lightly. “Although now that I think about it, I have one request - can you call it Black Eye instead of Pretty Lies?”

The guys all looked at each other for less than a second before speaking in unison.

“Deal!”

—————

It was the day of the showcase. You stood in the crowd once again, just a speck in a sea of thousands of fans as you watched the guys perform. It brought you back to the best parts of old times, sitting around on Jay’s beaten up couch when all they could have hoped for were a hundred people to show up if they were lucky. But now you got to see them on their biggest stage yet, Mingyu happily tapping away at the drums, his head of hair moving all over the place as he kept the beat going. Jay was his usual chill self, just vibing out on the bass contentedly. And then there was Vernon, looking a little shy as the opening chords of Black Eye began to ring out from the strings of his guitar for the first time live. It reminded you of when you’d seen him take the mic at the first gig the guys had ever performed at together, except that now there was a distinct sense of determination in his eyes despite the trepidation that you couldn’t help but admire - the sight awakening a long lost feeling of butterflies in your stomach. He caught you looking at him, gazing at you fondly for one last time before leaning into the mic and beginning to sing.

prev. chapt. | series masterlist

a/n: if you made it all the way here to the end, I just wanted to say thank you to each and every one of you who took the time to read this story! if you've got feels, feel free to share them with me here or reblog the ml if you're so inclined. please take care <3

taglist: @twogyuu @yourfavoritefreakyhan

#vernon fluff #vernon smut #seventeen fluff #seventeen smut #seventeen #vernon x reader

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burr-ell · 1 year ago

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I'm afraid to ask, but here goes... who is that Matt Colville guy?

Regarding your tags about Colville and how he had written Vex. Why do you think his Vex sucks? I've seen some fans who think he did her justice and those who despise his portrayal of Vex, so I'm always curious to hear people's thoughts about his writing of Vex, as well as his handling of other VM members. Also, less important, but what did he do that didn't help you like Scanlan any better? Is it just the way he had written him in the comics or something else?

Matt Colville wrote Vox Machina Origins Series I, the first 6-issue arc of the prequel comic, and I...really don't like that take on Vox Machina, and I think his comic writing in and of itself leaves a lot to be desired. Now I've talked about him before, but that was in my dumbass era, so lemme take a crack at it now that I'm not filtering all my opinions through one subset of fandom.

(To be clear, I don't think he's like. a terrible person or "problematic" or what have you; I don't know the guy. This is purely a criticism of his writing, and I'm going to try to be as objective as possible in explaining my entirely subjective opinion.)

If my understanding is correct (and in fairness, my source for things Colville has said is gonna be "dude trust me" because I started writing this at almost 11pm and I don't feel like hunting around), Colville openly admitted to not having watched a fair bit of the show, including the Feywild arc. He considered those things to be "mining for backstory", and largely watched Critical Role for the combat. And that makes a certain amount of sense because DnD combat mechanics are his thing, but it also means that he wasn't necessarily a great choice to write here. He could have been! But over the course of this first volume he proves that he wasn't, and you'll notice that he's not writing for them anymore.

So to address the first topic: I really don't like his take on Vex, but it's not because she's written as mean—it's because of how she's written as mean and why she's written that way. Now, we know from canon that Vex doesn't start out as an especially nice person to people she doesn't know, and Laura has openly said regarding TLOVM that she wanted to show that Vex can be bitchy sometimes. And I like that about her; I think it's a good character trait. But there's a very specific way in which Vex is bitchy, and Colville's writing does not suggest that he understands it.

...Yeah, that's gonna be a no from me, chief.

Obviously we don't know what Vex was like pre-stream because otherwise these comics wouldn't exist, but we can reasonably extrapolate based on her behavior in the show, as well as the way she was written in TLOVM where Laura was an executive producer, that this is not the way Vex's frostiness would have manifested itself. She wouldn't disdain or dismiss lower-class people as "peasants", and she wouldn't reject the idea of asking them for information on that basis—Vex is usually the first person to start talking to locals about whatever it is she's investigating; she's one of the faces of the team whenever they have to talk to people.

What Colville has written instead is a character clinging to aristocratic status explicitly in order to establish herself in a hierarchy, suggesting that she sees herself as above peasants. But canonically, Vex never considers herself noble-born; no one else ever suggests that she did; and there aren't any indications that she takes pride in Syldor's position and what that might have granted her. Just on the face of it, it seems like Colville heard that Percy gave Vex a title and then she fell in love with him and worked backwards to deduce that Vex always wanted nobility, rather than engaging with her character as it exists.

Another indication that Colville really wasn't paying very close attention is the presence of Trinket—specifically, the lack thereof. The reason Trinket doesn't appear in the first three issues is that Colville didn't think Vex would have had him yet, because Beastmaster Rangers don't get their animal companions until Level 3. Except Vex had Trinket before the campaign even started; not only did Laura write a short story about it that was available on Geek and Sundry, but it's also a major moment in episode 65 because even Vax doesn't know the full details and finally asks her about it, and Vex makes it clear that it happened before they were anywhere near meeting Vox Machina. Colville brought Trinket in starting at issue 4 and wrote around the problem by having Vex explain that Vax made her leave him outside of town, but the fact that this was an issue at all doesn't speak well of the organization of this process. Like...he couldn't have just asked? Did nobody give him a lore document?

Additionally, in the above panels Vex says something about "the school". This is, by Colville's own admission, something he came up with, and it's elaborated on a bit later:

Y'all. I'm sorry, but this is the absolute dumbest possible addition to the twins' backstory.

Now, at exactly what age the twins ran away from Syngorn wasn't entirely set in stone by this point. But for one thing, again, that's probably something he should have asked about if it wasn't provided in any kind of lore document, and for another, while we didn't have exact numbers, the general idea was already that the twins were no older than their mid-teens when they finally left, probably closer to 13-14. So of course if they went to assassin school and graduated (lmao can you imagine), they probably started attending when they were a couple years younger.

Which raises the question of why Syldor Vessar, a diplomat with no martial interests whatsoever, fully aware that he has a rocky relationship with his preteen problem children, sent them to a secret murder school.

I get wanting to explain why Vex and Vax are so good at bows and daggers and why Vex knows five languages, but there have to have been ways to address that besides whatever this is. It's very telling to me that both Kith & Kin and TLOVM seem to be just quietly ignoring this, and it's never been brought up again as a legitimate part of the twins' backstory, even within the later comics.

Secondly (yeah, that was all under "firstly"), I really don't like Colville's take on Scanlan.

SHUT UP.

I'm going to get more into this a bit later, but Colville's Scanlan will. not. stop. talking. He is incredibly smarmy and obnoxious, but not in the fun lovable way that Sam Riegel actually played him; this Scanlan has the single most punchable face in Exandria. Canon Scanlan did not ever talk this much or in this way.

Like, look at all that "story" language—theatrical critiques and scenes and narratives and treating all of life like it's a story. When has Scanlan ever talked like that? He didn't in Kraghammer and he didn't while fighting Vecna. That's not the kind of bard Scanlan is or ever has been.

This Scanlan is very cool. He's collected. He's confident. He's smug. He never takes a hit in a way that matters. He even gets to lecture Vex about her insecurities. There's never a hint at any of his flaws, like that he's actually very unobservant and self-absorbed. His perception and insight modifiers were +1 in part because even by the end of the campaign, his wisdom score was a 7. Scanlan's never been very good at reading people; what he's good at is persuading or deceiving them. We don't see any of that charisma here; what we see is a loudmouthed fratboy who runs his mouth nonstop.

Speaking of running one's mouth nonstop, my final major issue with Colville's writing is his exposition scenes.

I mean, look at this:

Look, some of this is down to personal taste, but I also just don't think this is good comic writing. Comics are a visual medium; the script is meant to work with the art to tell us a full story. This is just massive walls of text in giant word balloons that take up far too much space for what they're doing, and the panels are flat and boring—it's just a bunch of talking heads jabbering at each other. We're clearly meant to focus on the words being said, but nothing about the art gives us anything else to work with. In fact, it's as if the art itself is saying that this scene is just the same thing over and over again with small modifications here and there. We're watching a conversation between people who all sound more or less alike rather than being genuinely immersed in visual storytelling.

Compare the above to these pages from VM Origins II #5 and VM Origins III #5:

Now, some of this is down to lettering—the letterer and colorist were both changed between Series I and Series II—but it's also down to a change in script and art direction. These scenes lay down some necessary exposition, but they’re much more interesting to look at. These aren't just full pages of talking heads; there are different angles and shots, breaking up the sequence as the conversation goes on to help it flow much more naturally and maintain the reader's attention. You can tell that Houser is giving these characters room to breathe and trying to write in their voices, not just making them exposition-dump at each other.

Colville was, and as far as I know still is, a friend of the cast of Critical Role; he just isn't working on the Vox Machina Origins comics and the writing has since changed hands to Jody Houser. I think this was a much better choice; she's a seasoned professional comic book writer and a long-time viewer of the show. Her Vex is a significant step up, taking the clear lead of the group and keeping them together while still maintaining a frosty and snarky personality. Her writing for Scanlan is also a lot closer to canon, allowing him to shine in endearingly goofy comedic scenes rather than giving the entire script to a smug fourth-wall-breaking theatre kid.

Like I said, I don't think Matt Colville is or was a bad person with bad intentions. I just don't think he was a good choice to be writing these comics because I don't think he understood who these characters were or what Critical Role was trying to do with them.

#cr discourse #asks #long post #like. Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here long

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bonesandthebees · 3 months ago

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The there’s what Phil was going to ask or say (thanks, Ponk for that interruption btw, really adds to the suspense). Phil might have asked what the common ground was, might have asked if Wilbur thinks Tomys would be capable of ruling. If he wanted to work with him. We’ll never know (maybe we will, but not right now).

Either way let’s get to how father and son play the game because having both pov’s makes this so much fun. We already know how Phil plays this game. He keeps every card he has a close to his chest as he can and probably only trusts Techno with the full set. Wilbur gets to see some of them if proven he can keep it a secret. Sneeg doesn’t really get the cards but he has some vague outlines and can probably guess the next play.

Side note: Niki plays the game similarly, she just has less connections (and no idea the Consul is bribing the Sneeg, or does she? She has to be somewhat aware of Phil’s influence if she has known not to trust him for a long time.) before this, she did trust Wilbur with some of her cards, but not all of them, and she’s starting to trust him less and less. She knows how dangerous his father is and I think she’s starting to understand how dangerous Wilbur can become by extension, but I’ll get to that.

Wilbur on the other hand, knows how to hide his cards in theory. He’s just not really that good at it yet. Nor does he seem to know what to hide without being told. In this case that is. Now he does not need to hide his new relationship with Tommy from his father. That’s info Phil very much needs to work his schemes.

But using the same nickname Tomys’ close friends use is a dead giveaway. Phil and Techno know it when they hear it. And Niki knows it too. And if Wilbur was as cunning as his father (or maybe just less tired) he would know to hide that new connection from her. Though at the same time that would come out eventually and it would be better if she knows right away rather than found out he tried to hide the fact he’s bonding with the enemy.

Another point I want to make is that Wilbur very much gains Tommy’s trust (and loyalty) on accident. He was at no point thinking of how he could work with this when (if) they got back to the palace. And that is the big difference between what his father would have done. See Wilbur pulls the right strings without the intentions behind it while Phil would have told Tommy about being heir with the intention of gain his trust. Wilbur just wanted the kid to know why someone tried to kill him. (I really should reread that convo too.)

I think maybe Wilbur does things because he knows he should do them or thinks his father would want him to do them without really getting why. Not to say he’s not smart. He often knows the goal and how it can help. But he’s also been preparing to be Niki’s advisor for his entire life and suddenly his father is considering shifting those plans and Wilbur is not as quick to shift gears. (Does this make sense? I feel like I’m just rambling.)

(4/?)

-🌲

actually, phil wasn't going to ask wilbur about any of that. he was going to slightly change the subject away from tommy and to the bandits, but ponk interrupted before they could have that conversation. probably for the better lol

I love having both povs in this fic because I love showing how the two of them are both similar and different in how they think about this game. phil has been at this for years. he's the most experienced and understands the value of keeping a card up your sleeve. wilbur is still struggling to differentiate what cards you can sacrifice and which ones you have to hold onto.

niki isn't specifically aware that phil gets info from sneeg, but she's sure he has eyes all over the place. she knows he knows everything that goes on in the palace and is smart enough to put together that he must have some kind of information network available to him. she just doesn't know the who or how of it.

but yeah, wilbur lets the nickname slip out in front of niki. to be fair he's incredibly exhausted and recovering from a very traumatic mountain trip. but I think even if he was in his right mind while he would've thought it over more, he would've still ended up using the name in front of niki. because it's niki. wilbur still isn't trying to hide things from her per se, because in his mind he's still on her side. he hasn't consciously switched to only supporting tommy or anything. he's still telling himself niki is someone he should trust with most things (as long as his father hasn't told him to keep it from her) so he doesn't think there's a reason to hide this new connection with tommy. at least... not yet.

I will say, actually, there is one instance of wilbur and tommy talking in the cave where wilbur does in fact think quite a bit like his father.

"Wilbur could still see the needle he could thread here. This was a moment he could connect with Tomys." (Chapter 8) Wilbur isn't exactly being manipulative nor is he lying, but right here he's choosing his words very carefully to try and make himself feel sympathetic to tommy.

so actually wilbur gaining tommy's trust wasn't entirely an accident. for the most part doing things like saving his life and all was just him acting on instinct. but during these quieter conversations wilbur did still have his father's voice in the back of his mind telling him this was an opportunity.

I do get what you mean though, wilbur is struggling to keep up with his father's sudden shift in plans. and wilbur himself isn't sure where he falls. he knows what his father expects of him, but niki is wilbur's friend. if the day tommy arrived at the palace phil told wilbur to stop trying to help niki get the throne to give it to tommy, wilbur would've argued. for all of his fear of disappointing his father, he does have a limit. which is why wilbur had to come to this point on his own. his mentality shift isn't something phil could force on him, it was a seed he had to plant. and then circumstances ended up forcing that seed to grow faster than expected.

#ask #spruce anon #rose ch 10

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wisemusiccheesecake · 9 months ago

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I was bored and reading SCP stuff online, so I made this and am posting it here because I'm bored lmao.

-------------------------------------------------------

FORGE LABS OFFICIAL DOCUMENTATION

HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

DO NOT REMOVE FROM PREMISES

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Subject 92

Level: 3

Height: 5'6

Age: Unknown, most likely pre-teen age 10 - 12

Weight: 97lbs

Sex: Male

Appearance: Subject 92 is known to be a male fox most likely in his late pre-teens, with blonde and white fur, and blue eyes. Subject 92 is observed to be abnormally tall for a pre-teen, as pre-teen boys are observed to be between 4'5 and 4'9, but Subject 92 is 5'6. Subject 92 is also observed to be severely malnourished, resulting in paler complexion and less healthy fur, researchers are making sure that Subject 92 is being fed on a very specific diet to make sure his greater nutritional needs are met. Subject 92 appears to have a form of dysmelia, resulting in the growth of a fully formed and functional second tail, Subject 92 does not like this appendage being acknowledged or touched, and doing so will make it aggressive.

Behaviour: Subject 92 has been observed by researchers to be highly unapproachable, all attempts ending in Subject 92 becoming highly aggressive and dangerous. If Subject 92 attempts to attack you, do not fight back. This will antagonize Subject 92 further and possibly make it enter a feral state. Researchers have observed that Subject 92 has abnormal limbs that seem to extend out of a cavity in his back that opens and closes at will. These additional limbs have been described by researchers, a conversation with researcher Sally Acorn has been documented below:

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[REDACTED]: "What can you tell us about Subject 92 Miss Acorn?"

Sally Acorn: "It's one of the more Mobian subjects we have, but it's probably the most dangerous Mobians we have at the entirety of Forge Labs, hell he could just be the most dangerous bastard here."

[REDACTED]: "What behaviours have you observed from Subject 92?"

Sally Acorn: "Fuck me. The kid attacks anyone who goes near him, no matter what body language, I'd say he's paranoid more than anything. He just obviously doesn't trust people, which makes me think he is a Mobian, someone who actually has experienced things, and remember them."

[REDACTED]: "So do you believe Subject 92 may have relatives?"

Sally Acorn: "Yeah probably, I mean he looks fairly Mobian, and his actions feel erratic, but not alien, like Subject 98. Like, I've met people who have behaved in ways similar to Subject 92, so I think he's a Mobian, so he probably has parents."

[REDACTED]: "Thank you for your time, Miss Acorn."

Sally Acorn: "No problem."

-------------------------------------------------------

Origins: The specifics of the origins of Subject 92 are unknown to researchers, but they are being researched. Subject 92 was found on Westside Island, so it is most likely from there. We are unsure whether Subject 92 carries Pathogen 936-B, as it was first observed on Westside, and his additional appendages have been observed to be similar to the tentacles of the Black Doom race.

Containment: Subject 92 is contained in a high security padded cell. Subject 92 is to remain monitored at all times. Checks for any cracks or comprised areas of Subject 92's cell are to be done regularly.

#miles tails prower #tails the fox #tails #sonic au #sonic the hedgehog #miles prower

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old-antecedent · 11 months ago

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Love-Letters and The Fifth Era

Much ado has been made over the "love-letter" purporting to be of the fifth era. The same for the text that followed it. I have been asked several times for an interpretation, and since it has precious little bearing on anything, I shall give it freely here for my own convenience. For the uninitiated, a certain mystic "found" a missive somewhere and claimed it was from the future. A copy of it (and of all his rambling nonsense from before and after) of course resides in Apocrypha. Later, the same fellow penned a long vision of the future titled "C0DA". The full text of the letter can be found here, and C0DA can be found here as an illuminated manuscript. I wish not to get into the various idiosyncrasies of Karkuxor's revelatory processes, the nigh-mythical stories some tell of his exploits, and his various works or lack thereof in important historical moments. It does not matter. These texts are to be seen by the shadows they cast on reality. Numidium is the 20th section of C0DA, and its climax. As such, it holds the essence of Karkuxor's argument. It is a verbal clash between purported dunmer Jubal-lun-Sul and the Numidium, brass god of the dwarves. Sul represents the side of love, and Walk-Brass represents the side of hate. This is the primary lens through which Karkuxor see the world. It is a struggle between smiles and frowns, harmony and discord, acceptance and rejection, etc, etc. Love defines the good, hate defines the bad. These are not simple "war is hateful" platitudes. Any good thing can be re-classified as a form of love, any bad thing re-classified as a form of hate. The dwarves and their god are motivated by rejection, by violence, by short-sighted hate. Almsivi and their people are guided by long-term love. You may find this an acceptable coloration of the world. Very poetic, very elegant. Wraps everything up into a neat package with a little bow on top. Except, do you really think Almalexia should be considered on the side of love? Should fucking Molag-Bal? Yeah, I don't buy it. Reducing all conflict to uncomplicated good and evil is stupid at best. Sometimes it forces you into nonsense, like pretending Dagoth Ur's charitable intent for the people of Tamriel excuses corprus. The other idea argued for in this confrontation is total subjectivity. Numidium wants a definitive answer. It was developed specifically to find one, after all. Sul decapitates it after lecturing it about subjectivity and tricking it into agreeing with the existence of shades of grey. Karkuxor's intent could not be clearer. Objective truth does not exist in the Mundus. This moves in concert with the total lack of veracity the documents have. Nothing in Karkuxor's images of the future can be trusted. This is intentional. How could you expect anything else when it descends from that parade of self-serving lies and insufferable ego, that myth-building nonsense masquerading as philosophy, the Sermons of Vivec? It is openly subjective, built around a core of mythic word salad that is compelling to its author first and foremost. These texts may be some grand revelation of the future, or they may be whole-cloth creations of Karkuxor's strange mind. That is the point. No one can decide the future concretely. There is no one in charge of Nirn, not really. You can choose whatever Tamriel you want. This is the other important moral of the love-letter and C0DA. And this is precisely the problem. C0DA intends to argue for endless personal interpretation while also heavily pushing its own interpretation. Why take Karkuxor's claim of universal subjectivity seriously when his claim of love is so much louder, so much less compelling? It drowns out any other possible read on first pass. The prose does not merit a second pass. The ending of the words is this: the love-letter and C0DA are far too convoluted and masturbatory to properly convey "love is the only force for good" at the same time as "choose whatever Tamriel you want". Which is a shame. That's a very good message to lose.

#the elder scrolls #tes #c0da #believe in the nirn you like #a cyrodiil that is still jungle is on the table #anything you could ever want

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ceterisparibus116 · 2 years ago

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For the ask game: 4, 13 and 35, please?

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

Perfunctory!

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

Oh, no.

This is where I sound heartless.

Uh. Nothing is incredibly difficult? Like. Thinking specifically of Trust. That fic was difficult insofar as there was a lot of research that went into it, and it's the story where the legal plotline is the most central out of all my fics (and it's civil law, which I'm less familiar with), so there was a lot of work involved in figuring everything out, and there was definitely some anxiety over whether I was doing the story justice.

But I feel like this ask is getting at a subject matter that's emotionally difficult. Like, some writers talk about writing through tears, or having to take breaks from their stories because it's too hard on them. But that's just...not me.

The stories that I write are too controlled to really be emotionally difficult for me, no matter the subject matter. I know all the facts, and I don't write fics with sad endings, and I always know how the fics will end up, and therefore I know that all the stories (even the ones with very sad elements) will end up happy. I'm also bolstered by the hope that whatever I'm writing is helping people.* So although some stories are certainly heavier than others, I wouldn't say that they are "incredibly difficult."

*Okay actually, I mentioned this line and it spurred a whole new set of thoughts. Maybe the other reason why things aren't Incredibly Difficult for me to write is because my focus for writing all of it is: "How can I help my readers understand this differently" rather than me just trying to process my own stuff.

As in, there are bits of me trying to process my own stuff in all my stories, but it's far from central.

In fact, the only story where "my own stuff" was truly what I would call "central" was in that one fic where Matt's prepping for the bar. And sure enough, yep, that fic was not fun to write. It was way more of a catharsis thing that I just had to get through so I could feel better on the other side.

So. Huh. I guess that's a big factor. I wonder if I'm brave enough to write something else where "my own stuff" is more central....

[Ugh, I thought of one such an idea, and some part of me that's not the nice, logic-centered side of my brain recoiled. So. Yeah. Guess that's a thing.]

Thank you for this ask that led to a bit of a personal revelation, lol.

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

Haha, I love this. XD

Actually, tbh, I think most of the writing rules I think about are ones that really do work for me, usually ones that I've found in books about writing or video essays about writing, where the rules are fully fleshed out, rather than on, like listicles.

I googled writing rules, actually, and one is "avoid using jargon" and welp lol yeah I tromp gleefully all over that rule for sure.

And in general, anything to do with word counts. I love fanfiction for the freedom to publish a story that's 100 words and the freedom to publish a story that's 1,000,000 words.

#personal #like a little extra personal this time I guess #writing #writing ask game #asks #ask me things i'm friendly

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memryse · 3 years ago

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many thoughts about Scar in Last Life

We all know Scar is one of the standouts of Last Life; he’s always been one of the key players ever since 3rd Life, driving conflicts and shaping the course of the server. His chaotic nature lends itself perfectly to 3rd/Last Life, and he seems to have only refined it in the hiatus between seasons.

In 3rd Life, Scar was more of a subjective villain. From his own perspective and Grian’s perspective, he wasn’t scary at all! The two of them were just having fun and causing problems – sure, they threatened people, but their dumb antics together made them just feel like two friends messing around; their POV was lighthearted until the final session, really. From other perspectives, however (particularly Dogwarts’ POVs), that was not how the two of them came across. They felt malicious, scary in how casually they approached such a bloodthirsty game. They’d laugh as they took lives, showing no care for anybody but themselves – they’d betray their allies in a heartbeat without an ounce of remorse, and the rest of the players knew it. Scar wasn’t someone to fear from his own POV.

Since Last Life began, however, Scar has become very openly malicious. Even watching his own POV, it’s hard to see him as anything but a villain – his own comment section is full of people commenting on how scary he suddenly seems. I want to expand on some of these villainous moments, because holy fuck, Scar.

In session 1, Scar is certainly a prominent figure, but we mostly get to see his classic silly Scar antics. Sure, he plans on “selling souls”, but it feels like the equivalent of his reputation points in S1. We still don’t get the sense of him going full villain arc yet. He allies with Joel and commits a crime, and we all expect another lighthearted Scar scam which definitely does not go to plan.

And that is what happened… sort of. He’s immediately caught by Scott and Pearl, etc etc etc. The two of them cheerfully agree a scheme to try and kill Jimmy, but that casual discussion of murder is as bad as they get.

Session 2, Scar is chosen as one of the two boogeymen, alongside Joel.

Things go decidedly not to plan immediately. The two of them had agreed last session to try and kill Jimmy, and were supposed to be trusting enough to tell each other if they’re the boogeyman – and yet what does Scar do? Immediately try and push Joel into lava. He’d betray Joel without a second thought – already a contrast to 3rdLife, where upon turning red Scar threw flowers at Grian and asked if they could still be friends. He doesn’t succeed, of course, and Scar and Joel realise they’re both boogeymen, before parting ways.

Scar heads to the nether, where he immediately decides to deceive Etho and Bdubs into thinking he’s weak and has no food, so that he can get close to them nonthreateningly or something. I’ll talk about this more later, but here we get to see what a good liar Scar actually is. People want to assume that he’s all bark and no bite, that he’s a schemer who poses no real threat – when Scar plays into this, he can be reallyconvincing.

The next big moment I want to talk about is, of course, Joel’s trap. The first thing to comment on here is that Scar cries “Joel, are you trying to kill your best buddy?!”, and I can’t work out whether this is Scar acting to diffuse suspicion, or genuine surprise that he’d pull the trap when Scar was right there, but either way it definitely has the former effect. None of the Southlanders suspect Scar in the slightest. Until Scar murders Mumbo in a matter of seconds.

What’s really horrifying about this is that Scar had been begging Mumbo to ally with him just last session. And yet here… not only does he go for Mumbo without hesitation, his reaction afterwards is downright chilling. He just laughs, and tells the others “Welcome to Magical Mountain!” – it’s really quite like a movie villain in how little he seems to care. He doesn’t actually say a word about killing Mumbo; again, despite having desperately wanted to ally with him. To Scar, this was nothing more than an opportunity. Or maybe it’s all a show to him. Maybe it’s both. Scar doesn’t actually care about winning this game – to him, it’s more fun to put on as good a show as possible, and drag as many people down with him as possible (which is definitely a “cc!Scar being a good entertainer” thing, but it translates very well into being a LL!Scar character trait too).

He then hands Joel some supplies, and with the exact same level of nonchalance, tells him to go burn Scott and Pearl’s house down. I’m… getting the sense he enjoyed burning down Etho’s castle in 3rdLife.

Not much of note happens during his subsequent conversation with the Southlanders beyond him failing an initiation spectacularly – after this, he heads back to Joel. They chat from opposite ends of a broken bridge, which is quite a poetic scene honestly, representing the gap between their lives, the destruction of their alliance, etc. I’m just here to talk about Scar’s villainous moments, though, so let me point out one specific line from this conversation.

“I did avenge you, to be fair - Mumbo, I burned him to death, which was enjoyable. I heard him cry, so it was- yeah, that was a thing.”

Just… what the fuck, Scar? What? I know he tried to push the “red lives are psychopathic and feel nothing except a small sense of happiness when people die” in 3rd Life, but this was definitely a lie or at least an exaggeration, because 3l!Scar definitely had a much wider range of emotions than that. Either way, here he doesn’t even have the excuse of being a red life; this is just active malice, pure and simple. Bdubs had a similar level of pride in his boogeyman kill, but I never got the sense that he enjoyed it like Scar did.

Scar goes off to visit Scott and Pearl, and figure out whether they have the enchanting table or not. Note the emphasis on simply figuring it out, not actually getting the enchanting table. Here’s where I want to talk about Scar being a great liar: he fully convinces them into thinking that he was willing to trade lives for the enchanting table, and then he convinces them that he’s so desperate to get the table that he’ll lie about Joel burning their house down. The thing is, Scar had no intention of ever getting the table at that moment – he wasn’t going to trade lives for it to begin with. He’d try his luck at threatening them, but nothing more. He got exactly what he wanted out of that situation: proof. Meanwhile, Scott and Pearl were left believing they’d outwitted him, that they’d called his bluff and bullied him into leaving. They never saw his true intentions, never saw him as an actual threat. Scar is much smarter than people believe, which only makes him all the more threatening.

And finally, he goes on to prove this intelligence even further. He figures out that Scott and Pearl planned to trade for the enchanting table simply by seeing Scott ask Lizzie if she’s home in chat. He then goes to visit Lizzie, and she tells him she declined their offer. What’s notable about this scene is how much less belligerent Scar is than usual: he readily accepts what Lizzie says for once in his life and leaves without being too annoying about it. He later talks about lulling the others into a false sense of security, letting them think he’s not after the enchanting table anymore; that makes me think his visit to Lizzie was purely to confirm that the offer was even made, and he’s now certain that she accepted it. It’s not hard to work out, especially if he noticed her life count.

So, all in all, if you’re not scared of Scar in Last Life, you most definitely should be.

Did I forget to mention he’s currently tied for the highest life count on the server?

#last life smp #goodtimeswithscar #smallishbeans #mumbo jumbo #ldshadowlady #scott smajor #pearlescentmoon #bdoubleo100 #ethoslab #(all tagged are discussed in the post)#mae analyses

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tommyparkerr · 3 years ago

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Bad Timing | Peter Parker x Reader

It’s been awhile. I missed y’all. Life update: I’m now obsessed with Andrew Garfield (again), but who isn’t. I may or may not write specifically for his Peter Parker in the future. I have ideas.

Warnings: Cheating, a tiny bit of violence

Words: 7.2k

-Masterlist-

B A D T I M I N G :

“I don’t care! They’re my friends, Brad. What do you expect me to do?”

There were better places to fight than in the Midtown Tech parking lot. You were sure more than one person was listening in.

Brad rolled his eyes. “Stop hanging out with them!”

“You’re serious?” you laughed, shaking your head in disbelief. “I’m not choosing between you and them, Brad. And if you think for a second that I would choose you over them, you’re sorely mistaken. So you might as well get used to them being in my life.”

You turned and walked away before either of you could say something you’d regret. On your way into Midtown, you tried your best to cool off and ignore the dozens of eyes following you. Still angry but feeling less heated, you walked to the hall where you knew your friends would be.

MJ was the only one there. One of her brows popped up as you rather forcefully ripped open your locker.

“So” she said, dragging out the ’o’, “wanna tell me what that show was all about?”

“You didn’t stick around and listen in?”

MJ scoffed. “You know I love spying, but not on my friends’ relationships. If there’s something wrong, they can tell me themselves. Plus, I have better things to do.”

“Fair enough,” you reply, relieved she hadn’t heard the argument like everyone else.

“So?” she prompted. “What happened?”

You signed, shutting your locker. “Nothing happened. It was just a fight over something stupid. Where are Pete and Ned?”

MJ picked up on your hurried change of subject, but she was merciful enough to let you get away with it.

“They’re in class already. They didn’t hear it either, by the way.”

You breathed a little sigh of relief with that additional news. A small, genuine smile made its way onto your face. “Those two boys are the nosiest people I know. How’d you manage that?”

MJ smirked, shrugging. “Don’t worry about it.”

You laughed and started walking to class, MJ by your side. “Well, however you did it, thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

XxX

To your surprise, neither Ned or Peter had asked any questions regarding Brad or your rather public fight this morning. You wondered if that had something to do with MJ as well.

Brad hadn’t spoken to you all morning, but you could say the same. You’d decided on the silent treatment until he bucked up and apologized. Until then, acknowledgement didn’t seem too pressing. Not even at lunch when you could feel his eyes on you, silently stewing over your decision to sit with your friends instead of his. Of course, you weren’t the only one to notice—you just hadn’t planned on bringing it up. But MJ couldn’t keep Ned and Peter quiet forever, no matter how terrifying she could be.

“Uh, Y/N?” Ned asked, very obviously pointing to Brad. “Your boyfriend is staring at us. Or you. Or me. Wait, is he staring at me?”

“Trust me, it’s all of the above,” you snapped, making Ned awkwardly drop his finger and shift around on his seat. Peter looked like he wanted to smile at his friend’s response but was fighting it due to the inappropriate timing. He wasn’t doing a very good job, though, which made the situation slightly more amusing and caused an apology to erupt from your mouth. “It’s not you, Ned. I’m sorry. Brad just needs to get something through his thick skull, and until he does I’m rather ticked.”

“I’ll say,” Peter murmured under his breath, causing Ned to let out a giggle and MJ to kick him under the table.

“It’s fine, MJ,” you say, waving a hand with a smile on your own face now. You shook your head, going back to stabbing at your lunch. “But I commend you for upholding girl-code.”

“I abide by no such code,” MJ lightly argued, flipping her book open again.

“Yeah, yeah. Keep telling yourself that, big shot,” you reply, making Peter and Ned chuckle. “Hey, Pete?”

Peter stopped laughing and turned his full attention to you, looking like a deer in headlights. You couldn’t help but laugh.

“Relax, you’re not in trouble. I just wanted to ask if you’d mind if we made a stop at the library before walking home today. I’ve got some reading material to check out.”

“Oh,” Peter said, still processing your words. When he finally did, he looked slightly relieved and nodded. “Yeah, of course. Sure.”

“Great!” you exclaim, waiting for Peter to take a drink of water. At the perfect moment, you smirked and added, “It’s a date.”

MJ was a wonderful actress, pretending to be furious when Peter’s spit take landed some half-water, half-saliva droplets on her book, but you could see the hidden amusement in her eyes and considered your mission successful.

XxX

“Really, Parker?” you asked, holding up Biochemistry for Dummies—the book he had chosen to check out.

“Oh, get it out already. I’m such a nerd, why would I study biochemistry for fun-“

“Actually,” you interrupted, bumping him with your hip as you walked to the front desk, “I was going to ask why you were wasting your time on it. We both know you can recite everything in that book, inside and out. You’re no ‘dummy’ in the subject.”

Peter looked sheepish (and a tad embarrassed if the red on the tips of his ears meant anything), rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s good to go back to the basics every now and then.”

You rolled your eyes with a snort. “Uh, huh.”

When your books were all checked out and put in your bags, you and Peter started your walk home. You didn’t live in the same apartment building, but his just so happened to be within two blocks of yours which made it rather convenient to implement the buddy system. You’d been doing it for years now, ever since junior high.

Apparently Peter had something on his mind today, as he was pretty quiet other than to give the bare minimum response to anything you said. You were used to it, though; he wasn’t often like this, but whenever he was it meant he was either dealing with a situation at home, at his ‘internship’, with his friends, or sometimes just random strings of thought. It was fine, anyway. His silence gave you more time to think about what had happened with Brad. There wasn’t a whole lot to go over, as you’d had the same fight what had to be four times now, but it still made your blood boil.

He was going to apologize like he always did. But you had no problem making him sweat until he did.

“Hey, Y/N? Can I ask you something?”

You blinked a couple times to reacclimate yourself with the outside world, then said, “Of course.”

Peter hesitated. “I overheard a couple of girls talking about you and Brad’s fight this morning. I...I know what it was about.”

You pursed your lips and tucked your thumbs behind your book bag straps, your mood suddenly more sour than before. “That’s not really a question.”

“Y/N, I-“

“Look, Peter,” you sighed, stopping in your tracks to turn and face the brown-eyed boy. “This isn’t the first time we’ve fought about this. He just gets pestered by his friends occasionally about why his girlfriend hangs out with the school losers and falls into peer pressure, and then he drills me for the sake of his friends. He’ll apologize within the week-“

“No, that’s-that’s not what I was going to ask,” Peter said, stopping you.

You raised an eyebrow. “Then what were you going to ask?”

He sighed, hanging his head. “Maybe he’s right. I mean, you are his girlfriend. Maybe you shouldn’t be hanging out with us so much. Maybe you should sit with him at lunch sometimes, or even ditch us completely. I don’t want to be the reason your relationship is in hot water all the time, and I’m sure MJ and Ned would agree-“

“Peter-“ you tried, more than a little surprised by his disclosure.

“I guess what I’m asking,” Peter hurried on, getting to his point, “is why do you hang out with us still? Despite your boyfriend and his friends and practically the whole school disapproving?”

You scoff. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Peter blinked, then pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. “Well, I thought I already listed several reasons just a few moments ago, but if you’d like a recap-“

“No, Peter,” you sighed, grabbing his elbow to turn him and resume your leisurely pace. “What I meant was why would I hang out with people who only like me if I’m dating the popular guy? I’d much rather hang out with people who have known and loved me for me since the sixth grade than have fake friends who would ditch me at the drop of a hat.”

“I…” Peter shook his head, looking a bit guilty. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I didn’t mean anything by it. You know I’d hate to lose you, I just didn’t want to be the reason you were unhappy.”

“Au contraire, mon frère,” you say, offering Peter a soft smile. “You’re one of the reasons I am happy. You, and Ned, and MJ. And Aunt May’s date loaf.”

That got an actual smile out of Peter. “You know, you keep saying things like that and she’s going to love you more than me.”

“I hate to break it to you, Parker, but I’m ninety-nine percent sure she already does.”

He laughs, giving you a look you can’t quite place. “I don’t doubt that.”

You finish the remainder of your walk in a comfortable silence, neither of you opening up your mouth again until you reach your apartment building. Peter looked a bit awkward—probably from your heart-to-heart not too long ago—and not sure what to do. So you stepped in, slipping your arms between his back and backpack.

“You’re the best, Peter,” you murmured as he hugged you back.

“Yeah,” he said half-heartedly. “I...I try.”

You pulled away with an appreciative smile. “Now, if you ever suggest something as stupid as you did today again, I will hurt you.”

Peter’s lips curled upward and he faux-saluted to you as he walked backward. “Yes ma’am.”

You saluted back with an amused grin, watching him until he disappeared into the crowded New York streets.

XxX

You were right. It only took a day and a half before Brad came up to you at lunch—with an unimpressed look from MJ, an uncomfortable shuffle from Ned, and the classic eye-contact avoidance from Peter—and apologized quite profusely. You weren’t stupid, though. It took quite a long discussion before you were convinced he wouldn’t pull the same stunt again and that he was being sincere.

For the most part, he stuck to his word. You never fought about your choice of friends again, but he’d occasionally make a snide comment regarding one of them; it only took one look from you to shut him up. And you were happy. You both were. You’d gone back to your normal routine of his arm around your shoulders, morning greetings at your locker, and Friday date nights.

Midterms rolled around, and you split your time between studying with your boyfriend and each of your three friends, all of you acing them, and then it was the last football game of the season, and then it was fall break, and then it was the dreaded finals season. You and Brad hadn’t had any major disagreements since your parking lot debacle at the beginning of the year, and he kept quiet for the most part when it came to you spending time with your friends. You had fun, you laughed, you made memories together, and it was good.

Which was why something had to ruin it. You were Y/N Y/L/N, after all—nothing ever stayed perfect for long.

It was a wonderful, sunny, Monday morning when the bubble burst. Brad was at your locker like he was every morning, asking you about your weekend and what all you did, but before you could continue the conversation MJ appeared beside you.

“Hi. Can I talk to you?”

You didn’t have the chance to answer before MJ was dragging you away by your elbow to the girls’ restroom. She did a quick scan of the area, making sure no one was there.

“Why, yes, MJ,” you drawled, “I would love to speak with you.”

Satisfied that the stalls were empty, MJ pulled an ‘Out of Order’ sign from her bag and stuck it to the restroom door.

“Should I even ask where you got that?”

“It doesn’t matter,” she replied, letting the door fall shut again.

“Then can I ask what all”—you gestured to the room you were in—“this is about?”

MJ took a deep breath. “I need to tell you something, and you aren’t going to like it.”

You gave her a questioning look. “Okay…? What, did someone slash my tires? Smash my bumper? Break a mirror?”

MJ paused, looking confused for once. “You don’t have a car.”

“Indeed I do not,” you said with a mischievous smile. “I just like to make you doubt yourself sometimes. You see, you get this look on your face, like you’re not quite sure whether or not to believe-“

“Brad cheated on you.”

Your face dropped along with your heart. “I...what?”

MJ sighed and ran a hand down her face. “At a party this weekend. I was there because I rather enjoy crashing parties and making rich kids uncomfortable, but apparently Brad didn’t see me. I saw him, though, dancing with and kissing a random blonde chick.”

You shook your head, frowning. “That doesn’t make sense.”

An almost sympathetic look formed on MJ’s face. She even looked a little guilty. “I’m sorry.”

You continued to shake your head, your eyes narrowing. “Why didn’t you tell me right away? You know where I live, you have my phone number-“

“Yeah, well, I was grounded because I missed my curfew and I figured this kind of news would be best delivered face to face.”

Doubt and anger were overtaking you. “Look, I know I cracked and told you and Ned about Brad not liking me hanging out with you, but don't you think this is a little too far?”

“Wait,” MJ said, holding up a hand. “Are you implying that I’m pulling this out of my ass?”

“Way to connect the dots,” you sarcastically praise her. “Maybe now you can even move onto coloring inside the lines!”

MJ didn’t look angry, to your surprise. She simply looked shocked that you didn’t believe her. “Y/N, look, I’m sorry for being so blunt but what I’m telling you is the truth-“

“I have class to go to and a loyal boyfriend waiting for me at lunch. I’ll see you around, MJ,” you said dismissively, not allowing her to get another word in before pushing past her and exiting the restroom, tearing down the ‘Out of Order’ sign as you went.

XxX

“So…”

You sighed, kicking a pebble on the sidewalk several feet away from you. “So, what?”

Peter took a few moments. “Can I ask why you were sitting with Brad at lunch instead of us and why MJ looked positively murderous?”

“She didn’t tell you?” You laughed, but it wasn’t particularly humorous. “Why does that not surprise me?”

“So…” Peter said again, obviously unsure of where to go from there. You rolled your eyes.

“We had a…disagreement.”

“I gathered that much.”

“Then why did you ask?” you asked, slightly annoyed.

“Because you and MJ have never fought ever, so it had to have been something pretty serious to make you both like this…at least, I think?”

A sigh escaped your mouth when you heard the timidity in his voice. You knew how quickly and easily the boy could shut down, and you didn’t want to push him away. “I’m sorry, Pete. I’m not mad at you, I swear. If I were, I wouldn’t be walking home with you.”

“I know,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry for asking. It’s none of my business anyway.”

“No,” you disagreed, “it totally is. You deserve to know.” Peter stayed silent, patiently waiting for the explanation you felt obligated to give him. “Long story short, MJ told me Brad cheated on me at a party this weekend. I told her recently that Brad didn’t like me hanging out with you guys, so she practically despises him anyways, but then she goes and pulls this? I never took her for a liar before, but I guess true colors and all that.”

Peter was frowning, concern in his eyes. “Y/N, are you sure she was-“

“Absolutely.”

“It’s just that I don’t think she’d ever lie about something like that, even if she did hate-“

You glared at him. “Brad would never cheat on me.”

Peter wisely shut up, pressing his lips together in a thin line. He let himself get lost in thought for a few minutes—you could tell by the way his fingers were twitching—before he spoke up again. “Coffee?”

“What?” you replied, blinking a few times.

He pointed across the street to a little coffee shop. “Wanna go get coffee? We can even do some homework together there. It’ll be good to get your mind on something other than MJ or-or Brad.”

You smiled and let out a soft chuckle. “I don’t deserve you, you know that?”

Peter only offered a small smile in return before grabbing your hand and running across the street with you. When you got into the store, Peter put you in charge of choosing a table and watching your bags while he went to order. He came back with two coffees and a chocolate chip muffin, sliding the muffin to you without a word. You didn’t know if the muffin was a peace offering to get him on your good side or just something to cheer you up, but either way you appreciated it.

“So, ignoring the whole MJ thing, how was your day?”

You sat like that for much longer than you probably should have, doing homework, sharing your muffin (at your insistence), and talking about nothing and everything. It was nice having someone to talk to after the day you’d had. You’d never admit it, but you regretted sitting with Brad and his friends. For one, you didn’t feel comfortable around any of them, and two, now that you had you couldn’t go back to your normal lunch table without working things out with MJ. And that most definitely was not going to happen.

It was a while later when you checked your watch and sighed, starting to pack up your things. “It’s already almost five-thirty. My parents will kill me if I’m not home by six.”

Peter blinked, pulled from his own world of studies, and then began packing up his things as well. “Good call. May would kill me, too.”

You laughed a little. “I’m gonna run to the bathroom real quick. I’ll be right back.”

He nodded, acknowledging you. You headed to the opposite side of the shop where the bathrooms were at and had to wait a good minute before it opened up. After that, you hurried as fast as you could, not wanting either you or Peter to get home late. It was why you practically hit the ground running when you were done and why you didn’t see Peter waiting outside the door until he was pulling you back behind the corner.

“Peter?” you said, confused as to why he was over here. “Do you need to use the bathroom too?”

You didn’t like the look he had on his face, full of panic and sympathy and anger. He peeked around the corner, staring at something, but when you tried to join him in seeing what he was seeing, he pulled you back again.

“Peter, what’s going on?” you demanded, trying to get another look into the cafe.

“I-“ He swallowed, his eyes darting back and forth between various places before settling on you. His shoulders slumped. “Y/N, I’m so sorry.”

You tilted your head in confusion. “Sorry for what?”

Peter bit his lip like he always did when he was nervous, then carefully led you to the edge of the wall and pointed a weak finger close to where you’d been sitting. You immediately understood.

MJ hadn’t been lying after all. She was right, all the way down to the girl being a blonde. They were holding hands across the table and Brad was kissing her like he kissed you. Your stomach turned.

Before you could think it through, you marched back to yours and Peter’s table and grabbed your bag, Peter frantically scurrying after you. You saw the moment Brad saw you, his eyes widening in realization and shock.

“What?” you spit. “Didn’t expect to see your girlfriend at the local coffee shop?”

You had to give some credit to the blonde who, upon hearing the word ‘girlfriend’, dropped her jaw and pulled her hand from Brad’s. She was just another unknowing player in his game, apparently.

“How many, huh?” you asked, your blood boiling. “How many girls in the past six months? Two? Five? Twenty?”

The blonde made a disbelieving noise and got up from her chair. “My mom was right. Men are pigs.” With that, she quickly left the shop—much to Brad’s dismay, though he clearly tried to hide it.

“You know what?” you said, following the other girl’s timely exit. “Never mind. I think it goes without saying, but we’re done. This little ‘game’ is over.”

Brad stumbled out of his chair as you started making your way toward the exit as well. “Wait, Y/N—it’s not what it looks like!”

“Oh, really?” you challenged, spinning on your heel to get a good look at him. You knew the entire cafe’s eyes were on you, but you couldn’t care less at the moment. “Then, do tell, what should I be seeing?”

Obviously not prepared to answer that question, Brad stumbled over his words like a bumbling idiot.

“You know,” you said, taking one step closer and narrowing your eyes at your now ex-boyfriend, “MJ told me you cheated on me at a party this weekend. I didn’t believe her. I told her my boyfriend was loyal. I believed in you, Brad.” You shook your head, trying to keep your voice from shaking as you spoke your next words. “That’s the worst part.”

You had to admit, he played the part of the guilty ex really well. If you hadn’t known better, you might have actually believed the tears in his eyes were real.

“Goodbye, Brad.”

With Peter still right alongside you, you turned to walk away again only to be stopped by Brad‘s grip on your forearm.

“Wait, Y/N-“

You shook your arm, trying to get him off. “Give it up, Brad!”

“I’m sorry.”

You scoffed. “You’re only sorry because you got caught. Now let me go!”

Brad’s eyes hardened and his hand visibly and painfully tightened on your wrist. “Don’t you dare walk away-“

Suddenly the grip on you was broken and a fist was crashing into Brad’s face, causing a mix of gasps and cheers to ensue throughout the cafe.

“Don't you ever touch her again,” Peter said, his voice like steel and his face tinged red with anger.

Brad groaned, holding his cheek. “I think you broke my jaw!” he whined.

You rolled your eyes, knowing if it was broken then he wouldn’t be able to speak. Peter may have had superhuman strength, and he may have had stronger reactions than most to certain situations, but you also knew he wasn’t stupid enough to unleash his full strength on him—not for someone as pathetic as Brad.

“Yeah?” Peter said, angrier than you’ve ever seen him. “If only I could break your heart the way you just shattered hers. Maybe then you’d feel a single ounce of the pain she does.”

You pulled your arm into your side, simply watching the scene in front of you unfold while your heart beat wildly in your chest. Then you turned around and started walking.

Surprisingly enough, no one stopped you or Peter from leaving. It might have had something to do with the sympathetic looks from the staff and more than a few of the women in the café clapping. You wanted to feel proud for standing up for yourself in a way that obviously won the approval of many strangers, but now that you were out of the active situation it was all you could do to hold yourself together. Peter was a blessing as you walked home, never once pushing you to talk or even asking you about your wrist (which was completely unharmed, thanks to Peter’s quick reaction time).

Tears were blurring your vision much sooner than you would have preferred, but you repeatedly blinked them away, knowing you couldn’t break yet. When you finally reached your apartment building, you could see Peter hesitating as to whether or not he should go with you. You knew Aunt May would worry if he didn’t come home, but you also wanted the company. Your parents wouldn’t be home until late that night, and while you never normally minded the occasional late nights, you didn’t want to be alone.

You went inside without a word. When Peter followed you up the stairs, you were more than a little relieved.

Your fingers shook as you got out your keys and attempted to unlock your apartment door—so badly, in fact, that Peter ended up taking them and unlocking it himself.

As soon as the door was shut behind you, Peter removed both of your backpacks and carefully wrapped you up in his arms. That was when the dam broke, tears flooding out of your eyes and ugly cries escaping your mouth. But Peter didn’t falter, pulling you even closer. Your fingers were tangled in his sweater and his were pressed firmly against the small of your back and the base of your neck. He made no effort to shush you or tell you it would be all right; he knew it wasn’t what you needed at that moment.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered instead. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

You stayed that way for a while, but then a thought popped into your head that made you jolt out of Peter’s hold on you with wide eyes.

“Peter, your internship! Your actual internship! You have to be so late! I’m so-“

Peter reached out and tenderly wiped your cheeks that were wet with your tears. His thumb moved slowly across your skin, gently caressing it. The action combined with the softness in his eyes made your speech falter. It took a few blinks and a hard swallow to get your mind to think coherently again.

“Peter,” you said, your voice cracking. There was something else in his eyes that made some place deep inside of you come to life. It unsettled you, but not necessarily in a bad way. “The internship…”

Peter hardly seemed to be paying attention to your words, but he must have registered them enough to come up with a response. “It’s okay. I already texted Tony earlier and told him I wasn’t going to make it in because something had come up.”

You frowned a little. “You’re not in trouble, are you? Because if you are-“

“No,” he said, chuckling softly. He let his hand fall from your cheek finally, and even though you had just been so terribly hurt by your now ex-boyfriend, you missed Peter’s touch. “Well,” he corrected, “I’m not in trouble on the condition I tell him everything when I’m there next.”

“Wait,” you said, taking the slightest step back. “Are you serious? Tony Stark actually said that?”

Peter grinned, laughing a little. “I'm telling you, he’s the biggest gossip I know. He always has his nose in places where it doesn’t belong.”

You shook your head, Peter’s smile infectious. You couldn’t help but be amused at this new bit of knowledge. You’d always imagined gossips to exclusively be old ladies and teenagers who had nothing else better to do. Throwing Tony Stark—a literal superhero and billionaire—into that same mix seemed out of place in more ways than one.

“How about you get changed into your PJ’s and I’ll turn on a movie and break out the ice cream?” Peter said, getting a bigger smile out of you.

“That sounds perfect,” you replied, reaching out to squeeze his hand before traipsing back to your bedroom.

By the time you were dressed and back out in the living room, Peter had managed to get everything ready. Ice cream was sitting on the coffee table by the pint, spoons sticking out of the tops. Star Wars was on, although you weren’t sure which one since it was paused. He’d somehow already made an intricate fort out of the space, but a quick glance around showed it was most likely due to the webbing holding the blankets to the walls.

Peter turned around and grinned as if it was just a normal movie night, offering you a pint of your favorite ice cream. “We haven’t done this in awhile.”

Guilt flooded through you at his comment, even though you knew it wasn’t his intention. Brad was the reason you hadn’t had a movie night alone with Peter in so long; he never liked it that Peter was your best friend, and you were stupid enough to let him take so much of that time from you both. But instead of letting on what you were feeling, you gave a small smile back and took the ice cream from Peter’s hands.

“No, we haven’t,” you replied, ducking under the entrance to the fort so you could make your way beside him. He had pillows set up inside as well, which you used to prop yourself up. You wanted to tell him thank you—not just for the ice cream, movie, and fort, but also for his help with the whole Brad situation earlier—but before you could come up with the words Peter raised the remote and pushed play.

You tried to pay attention, you really did, but the thought of Brad still hung in the forefront of your mind. Sometimes it was easy to forget, like when Peter finished his own ice cream and wrapped an arm around you in silent comfort. But in the end, the ice cream could only numb so much.

Tears filled your eyes but you desperately tried to fight them off with another mouthful of ice cream and a renewed focus on the movie. You’d seen it probably twenty times with Peter and knew pretty much every line, but now you could hardly make out a single word and everything on screen seemed to blur together into one singular color.

Peter was quick to notice your newfound tears and didn’t even bother to pause the movie before reaching to wrap his other arm around you too. You shook your head and shoveled another spoonful of ice cream into your mouth and mumbled, “I’m fine, really,” but it was an obvious lie even to your ears.

Peter took the pint from your hands and put it back on the coffee table, and you didn’t fight it this time when he went to hug you again. You let yourself be tugged practically into his lap and let your head fall onto his shoulder. He quietly shushed you as you truly felt Brad’s betrayal for the first time.

“It’s so stupid,” you cried, your voice muffled by his sweatshirt. “I didn’t even love him and I’m crying over him again. The boy who’s been cheating on me for who knows how long or with how many other girls.”

Peter raised a hand to your hair and combed his fingers gently through the knots. “It’s not stupid at all. Regardless of whether or not you loved him, you trusted him and he broke that trust. That hurts just as much as a broken heart.”

You didn’t say anything, but you slowly untucked your arms from their place against his chest to wrap around his back. You clutched the fabric of his sweatshirt between your fingers just to hold onto something real and soft and warm—to ground yourself to one of the only people in your life who you know would never break your trust or your heart.

Your tears started to subside but neither Peter’s nor your hold loosened. “You deserve better, Y/N,” Peter murmured, his voice vibrating in his throat.

“Thanks, Pete,” you whispered. With a watery, humorless laugh you added, “I just wish I listened to MJ.”

You could feel Peter smile and simply waited for whatever he was going to say to lighten up the mood. “Yeah, now you’ve gotta apologize to her and tell her she was right. I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes solely for that reason. She’s terrifying.”

A genuine laugh escaped you and you lifted your head from his shoulder. “I’m also pretty sure she’s still mad at me, so I’ve gotta deal with that too.”

You went to wipe off your cheeks but Peter beat you to it, his thumb gently wiping away any traces of your tears. His beautiful brown eyes made contact with yours, and the atmosphere shifted. Your heart jumped and you couldn’t look away from the boy you called your best friend, and suddenly you were made aware of how close you were.

Peter’s hand still rested on your cheek. His eyes parted from yours for just a moment as he tucked a piece of hair behind your ear, his tongue wetting his lips the way he did whenever he was nervous.

You were still looking at him when his eyes met yours again, and he sighed and frowned. “Y/N, you can feel free to slap me or kick me out or never speak to me again, because I know this is the worst possible time that I could ever tell you this, but…” He took a deep breath. Your mouth was dry. “I like you. I have for a long time but I was too afraid to do anything about it, then Brad asked you out and you were so happy about it I couldn’t say anything to ruin it and-“

He cut himself off and broke eye contact with you, pulling himself out of your reach. His head heavily fell into his hands as he shook it and mumbled something you couldn’t quite catch. The next part, however, you did.

“I’m so stupid, Y/N, I’m so sorry-”

“You like me?” you interrupted, not being able to help the slight hope that bled into your tone.

Peter turned his head just enough to peek at you out the corners of his eyes. You were alarmed to see the beginnings of tears in them, so you scooted closer and ducked your chin slightly to meet his gaze more head on.

“I…” He swallowed. “Yes.”

“Like, like me, like me?” you repeated.

“Yeah...I-I like you, like you.”

You paused for just a moment, the words spilling out of your mouth before you could think them through completely. “Not that it’s your fault that Brad is a pig, but I really wish you would’ve asked me out before him.”

Peter blinked a few times, trying to process what you’d just said to him. “Wait—what?” he said, eyes blown up wide. “Wait, wait, wait, you liked me?”

You ran a hand over your face and flopped back onto your pile of pillows. “Yes, I liked you, you twerp! I don’t think I could’ve made it any more obvious than I did. I mean-“ You gave him an exasperated look. “Peter, I asked you to prom.”

“I didn’t know!”

“How did you not know?”

Peter threw his hands up in the air. “I don’t know, I just thought we were doing a double date thing with you and me and MJ and Ned!”

“No, you dork!” you exclaimed, swinging a pillow his way. He didn’t even try to dodge it. “Ned and MJ only went together after that because you brought up the double-date-friend thing at lunch the next day!”

Peter’s eyes comically widened at what you were insinuating. “You thought I said yes to going out with you!”

“Of course I did!” you said. “We all did! But after it was obvious that you thought I’d asked as a friend, I just thought you didn’t like me that way and I’d misread you!”

“Well, how was I supposed to know you were asking me out out?!” Peter sputtered, shocked by that turn of events.

Your jaw dropped in disbelief. “I don’t know, maybe because I literally asked you out?”

“But you never specifically said you were asking me as more than friends!”

“I thought I’d made it pretty clear with the poster!”

“Well, it didn’t exactly say ‘Hey, Peter! I know we’ve been friends for years but do you wanna go to prom with me as more than that?’”

“I didn’t think it had to! People don’t make posters just to ask their friends to prom!” you pointed out. “Besides, I spent time on it! If I was asking you just as a friend—first off I wouldn’t have made a poster at all, but if I did—I wouldn’t have stayed up all night making it!”

“You stayed up all night making a poster for me?” Peter questioned, somehow much closer to you than before. You faltered in your retort, staring at your best friend who was mere inches from you. You could feel his breath as he exhaled, big doe eyes waiting for your response.

“Yeah,” you eventually responded in a whisper. “I had to start over, like, four times.”

Peter’s eyes flicked down for just a second, and it took you a moment to realize where he’d just looked. Your lips.

“You don’t have to try so hard for me,” Peter whispered back. The atmosphere was changed again, the air thick and time slowed. Not even the noise of the city could be heard.

You swallowed, trying to squash your nerves. “That’s not entirely true since you didn’t end up getting the hint.”

Peter started to say something back but you didn’t hear, your eyes now having gazed downward to look at his lips too. They stopped moving when he realized you weren’t listening and waited a few seconds before they parted around your name.

“Y/N?”

You looked up again, blushing at having been caught. His eyes searched yours, looking for something.

You didn’t know who made the first move, only that you were kissing Peter after what felt like decades of only dreaming about it. His lips were soft against yours, gently pressing them apart to make room for his own. Your noses brushed as your heads tilted to fit together like a puzzle you had both done a thousand times. It felt so familiar, so easy, and so…right.

You lifted a hand to cup his cheek, not wanting him to move. He followed your lead, tangling one of his hands into the hair at the base of your neck to hold you in place.

You didn’t know how long it lasted or what was happening outside of Peter’s touch, but you did know that when his lips finally parted from yours it was too soon.

And then reality hit. It didn’t hurt like you thought it would, but there was still the matter of Brad and the mess he made that you had to clean up. So when you opened your eyes to meet Peter’s softened gaze, you knew exactly what to say.

“I really, really would like to give whatever”—You gestured between you—“this is a try, but…is it okay if I take just a little bit of time first? I-I want to continue this, I really do, but I still have to work things out with MJ and deal with all the texts I’m bound to be getting, and I don’t think I’m quite ready to walk into school Monday holding your hand.” Realizing how that sounded, you were quick to backtrack. “Not that I’m ashamed of you or anything! I just want Brad to get what he deserves and I don’t want people to think I was the one cheating or that would defeat the whole purpose—not that it even should matter what other people think because I know my friends believe me and have got my back but-“

Peter covered your mouth with his hand to stop you, a faint smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. “I know what you mean, Y/N. It’s okay.”

He slowly removed his hand to let you speak again, hopefully without trying (and failing) to explain yourself to him this time. You took a deep breath and studied him carefully to make sure he wasn’t lying for your benefit. “You’re sure?”

He kissed your forehead. “Take as much time as you want,” he assured you. “I’ve waited for you for this long, I don’t mind waiting a little longer. We can go as slow as you need. I won’t do anything you’re not ready for, Y/N/N.”

You had to bite back tears at his sentiment, already having done more for you in ten seconds than Brad had in six months. A soft breath of relief escaped you when you realized there wasn’t a drop of doubt in Peter’s voice—that he truly meant everything he was saying.

“Thank you,” you said softly, still looking into his eyes. He smiled in response which made you smile too. You hesitated but leaned forward to kiss his cheek anyway. You pretended not to notice either of your blushes that followed and sat yourself back on top of your pillows.

The movie was still playing, so you pretended to turn your attention back to it. Really, it was impossible to do such a thing after kissing your best friend, so you were well aware of when Peter was staring at you instead of the TV and when his fingers subtly raised to touch his lips. You could just barely feel the ghost of his lips on yours still, making you smile from the memory. Peter’s hands were twitching, as if he wasn’t sure what to do in this new territory.

Deciding to put the both of you out of your misery, you started to lean toward him. The gap between you closed as your side rested against his. He looked down at you in surprise, but you were focused on the screen in front of you. You could still sense the smile that followed as his arm found a place on your waist and tucked you further into him. His scent filled your senses and you couldn’t help but close your eyes at this new feeling.

Brad’s hands never felt warm like Peter’s, or even half as secure—not even on his best days. But in that moment, without anything in your life left even remotely unshaken, you felt the safest and the most secure you ever had.

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dreamwritesimagines · 4 years ago

Text

Burn The Witch 13 - Trouble [Bucky Barnes x Reader]

A.N: Thank you so much for your wonderful support and feedback my loves ! ❤ Here’s the next chapter, I hope you like it as well and please let me know what you think! ❤ Thank you! ❤❤❤

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Warnings: Enemies to lovers, fake dating, mentions of blood, sex, violence, death, manipulation, language, guns, knives.

Summary: Fights can be inevitable.

Series Masterlist

Oh God damn it.

This mission was not supposed to include anything from your real life, and it certainly was not supposed to include your real life ex-boyfriend.

Not only was this going to make things very, very complicated, it also put the entire operation in danger. No part of the background that was specifically created for your cover had any details on your ex relationships and you didn’t think you would have to come up with something now.

Well. For what it was worth, you weren’t the one who came up with it.

“Just joking man. I’m her ex-boyfriend but no worries, I pose no danger.”

Bucky didn’t even dignify that with an answer and you heaved a sigh, trying to control the anger bubbling in your stomach.

“Yeah,” you managed to say, “Yeah, we used to—um, we used to date.”

Bucky frowned, “Didn’t you say you moved here two months ago?”

“I did move here two months ago.”

“We used to date back in Oregon,” Julian explained and Bucky huhed.

“Yet here you are.”

“Yeah you know, the big apple,” Julian motioned around you, “I just got a job here and I figured I could come and see Y/N. Small town people have to look out for each other, you see.”

You gritted your teeth, watching him with narrowed eyes.

“She took you there yet?” Julian asked Bucky “Cannon Beach?”

“No,” you answered on his behalf and Julian clicked his tongue.

“I guess you could take him with you when you visit next month,” he said, “Surely you are visiting next month?”

“I don’t think I am.”

“Come on, no way.” he said, his voice filled with disbelief. “It’s sand castles contest time, you love that contest!”

Right.

Julian had always been the best at playing the civilian and memorizing the back story of any cover. He was great at lying and that was why every mission you had gone on with him was that easy, he could fool anyone.

Including you.

“She came in fourth place two years ago, she made this dragon castle, you should’ve seen it.” He told Bucky, and you rolled your eyes.

Fourth place.

Easy enough to make someone believe, hard enough to find a trace of on the internet.

Julian was an asshole for sure, but he was a great spy and now you were beginning to remember why though every mission with him was a success, you had still avoided it even before your break up.

This was what he did, he took over every single assignment, no matter who was the leader.

Not this time. This was your mission and your mission only.

“Y/N, did you….” Julian let out a chuckle, “Did you tell him about the time your grandma caught us at the—“

“It was good so see you,” you cut him off, glaring at him “But you should probably go now, I’m kind of busy.”

Julian paused only for a moment before holding up his hands, gesturing surrender.

“Okay,” he said, “It was nice to see you too. Again.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“It was nice to meet you Bucky,” he said, “Take care of yourself, Y/N.”

He walked away from you and you closed your eyes for a moment, leaning your head back to the wall.

“Fuck this shit,” you murmured under your breath without even realizing it wasn’t something your cover would say, and opened your eyes to look up at Bucky.

“Was he bothering you or something?” he asked you and you scoffed.

“Please,” you muttered but then pulled yourself together. “He’s not…that type no. Just annoying, that’s all.”

“Are you sure? Because I can—“

“No,” you shook your head fervently, “No, please don’t. It’s fine, it’s just— who he is.”

How dare he?

How dare he try to take over your mission? You had put so much thought into this, coming up with multiple strategies, trying to convince yourself that-

That you were doing the right thing. Even if you felt yourself getting lost in this cover, it didn’t mean that Julian could swoop in and take this over as if you were a rookie agent in need of help.

This whole assignment belonged to you, not to anyone else.

If you were going to betray Bucky’s trust and feel like the most terrible person in the world, the least you could do was not let Julian take the credit.

“I didn’t know you were coming,” you attempted to change the subject and Bucky tilted his head.

“Come on Y/N, don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“You don’t have to pretend like it’s fine,” he shrugged his shoulders, “I mean you don’t have to pretend, ever.”

Okay, this was too much. You could almost feel your defenses going up, the whole hangover and stress and anger and now Bucky being able to tell you were faking something, it was all getting the best of you and if you weren’t careful, you would say something you would regret later.

“I’m sorry?”

“I just,” he took a deep breath, “Sometimes you’re like…too good to be true, you know? And Sam has this theory that you’re—you’re somehow you’re doing this for me or the people around you but you don’t have to.”

“You think I’m pretending?” you asked, your voice coming out way too defensive for your own cover but you could hardly care.

You were slipping, and you didn’t have the luxury to slip. It seemed to take Bucky by surprise because for the first time since you had met, you were-

Aggressive. That was the word. Less like your cover and more like your real self.

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way,” he said and you let out a bitter chuckle, nodding.

“Yeah,” you said, “Okay. I’m kind of busy you see, I have so much to do at the shop so I should probably go back inside.”

“Y/N—“ he started but you pushed yourself off the wall.

“No it’s fine,” you managed to say, “This is me not pretending, for the record. I’ll see you later I guess.”

With that, you walked past him and went back to the milkshake shop, fury still poisoning your insides.

***

You could hardly wait until you could go back to the base. Even though you thought that by then you would have calmed down, that didn’t seem to be the case.

You were fucking good at your job, and you were going to prove it to anyone and everyone. Without any help.

“Is he here yet?” you asked Chloe who rushed to greet you as soon as you stepped out of the elevator into the base and she cleared her throat.

“Who?”

“Don’t even, I know you heard what happened,” you cut her off and she shifted her weight.

“Yeah. I read his report.”

“Exactly. Where is he?”

“Okay, before I tell you where he is I feel like it’s important that you remember we’re not supposed to kill our own agents,” she said, “The paper work is a nightmare.”

“Where is he?”

“Keith says it’s considered rude to kill your team members.”

“Chloe,” you looked her in the eye “Where is he?”

She heaved a sigh, “In the training room.”

“Great, more weapons to use,” you muttered as you walked away from her to walk downstairs to the training room. Anger was pulsing through your veins and you kicked the door open, making the pair currently trying to hit each other stop.

“Get out,” you nodded at the other agent and Julian let out a small chuckle before he wiped his face with the towel. The agent rushed out of the room and you narrowed your eyes at Julian.

“You look upset,” he commented, “Want to exercise it out of your system?”

“What the fuck was that?”

Julian uncapped his water bottle to take a huge sip. “Come on, I saw an opening-“

“You made that opening,” you cut him off, “And crossed the line.”

“Oh please,” he waved a hand in the air, “It worked out perfectly fine.”

You could barely control your voice now, “You almost blew my fucking cover!”

“I would never,” he said, “Trust me, if anything I did you a favor.”

You dug your fingernails into your palms, “A favor?”

“Yeah. Guys love competition, an ex-boyfriend being in the picture will even speed up the process.”

“This is my mission.” You said through your teeth, “You don’t get to make spontaneous decisions without running them by me first.”

“When was the last time you had a proper fight?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You always get cranky if you haven’t had a good challenge in a while,” he stated, “A good fight. I take it your boyfriend doesn’t tire you out enough?”

The innuendo wasn’t lost on you and you let out a small chuckle.

“You couldn’t tire me out if you tried.”

He tilted his head, “Is that a promise?”

You shot him a look and lunged but he easily dodged you, scowling.

“Come on Y/N,” he taunted you, “I won’t hold back, you shouldn’t either.”

“Oh don’t worry, I won’t hold back.” you grinned at him and darted to grab at him but he twisted your hand to push you back, making your back hit the wall. You pulled your hair into a ponytail and jumped to wrap your legs around his neck, spinning in the air to shove him to the ground. As soon as you both fell, you straddled him and pulled the dagger out of your boots to raise it and slam it to the ground right next to his head. A sly grin pulled at his lips as if he was having the time of his life.

“Look at you babe,” he said, “You got even better.”

You were very, very aware of the position you had both found yourself in. You used to find this whole thing hot, it was like foreplay to you. Mock fighting, training, all of it -especially with Julian- it used to be your second favorite activity.

Now, all you could think about was just how much more fun it would be with Bucky.

Maybe Julian was right. Maybe you were just a wild card.

A smirk curled your lips and you leaned in slightly to lock your eyes with his, looking down at him.

“My mission,” you growled. “Not yours. The next time you try to control what’s mine, I won’t be so nice.”

You pushed the dagger into your boot again and got off of him before storming out of the training room, still trying to keep your anger in check.

For some reason, you had a feeling it wouldn’t work.

***

No matter what you did for the rest of the evening, it just wasn’t enough to calm you down. Now to think of it, it wasn’t even completely about Julian and his nonsense, it was because—

You didn’t want Bucky to think you were pretending, even if you were.

Just because it was a cover, didn’t mean your reactions and the happiness you felt with him was fake as well. But he could still tell something was off— Sam could still tell something was off despite your best efforts.

Great.

You poured wine into your glass and changed the channel, trying to decide whether you should go and bug Keith or not. You heaved a sigh and tore your eyes from the screen to lean your head back, nibbling on your lip.

Dealing with feelings was much more difficult than taking down a target.

You groaned to yourself and took a huge sip of your wine, but before you could grab your phone you heard the doorbell ring. Your head shot up and you grabbed your gun to walk to the door, but as soon as you looked through the peephole to avoid yet another mistake like actually opening the door to Julian, you froze.

Bucky.

….Fuck.

“Um- just a second!” you called out before rushing to your room to hide your gun, then quickly looked around the apartment to see if there was anything that could tip him off. Overall, it looked perfectly civilian and you ran a hand over your face to pull yourself together.

Your cover was supposed to be angry at him.

You threw your shoulders back and walked to the door to open it, then leaned sideways to the doorframe, your lips pulled into a slight pout.

“Hi,” you murmured and his gaze lingered on your shorts and flimsy tank top before he looked away for a moment.

Ah.

Compared to 1940s, it was almost the same as you opening the door in your underwear.

“Hey,” he said and held up a small box of bagels. “Listen, I know you’re angry but um…I was hoping we could talk?”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Keith’s door opening and he stepped out but as soon as he caught the sight of Bucky on your doorstep, his eyes widened and he froze. He quickly fixed his jacket so that it would cover his gun tucked into the back of the waistband of his jeans and gawked at you.

“What the fuck?” he mouthed and you got momentarily distracted, causing Bucky to follow your gaze over his shoulder to Keith.

And Keith, the badass spy, probably the only spy in the whole division who could give you a hard time in a fight, whom you had seen take down five armed soldier by himself with no weapons-

He waved at Bucky.

“Hi- hi neighbor,” he stammered as he turned to you and you shot him a forced smile.

“Hi.”

“Thanks for the cookies, I was going to bring you your plate the other day,” he said, “Do you need it now?”

Translation: Do you need back up?

“No, no,” you shook your head, “No worries, it’s fine.”

“Alright then. See you later.”

You cleared your throat and took the box from Bucky.

“Come in,” you turned around to walk to the living room, hearing him close the door behind him. It didn’t take him long to step into the living room and his eyes darted around as if trying to take in as much as he could. You figured it was natural, homes always gave clues about who their owners were.

Not to mention, as an ex-assassin he was automatically finding the nearest exits and things to use as weapons.

You would know. You did the same thing whenever you were in a new place.

You peeked into the box and frowned.

“What is this?”

“To be honest with you, I have no idea,” Bucky admitted, “It’s supposed to be a bagel. I just asked the guy to give me the most modern and weirdest combination.”

“Is this—is this glitter?”

“He said it was edible glitter, yeah. With lavender and cheese with honey.”

“Why is there two of them?”

He put his hands into his pockets. “I figured I could try one.”

You blinked a couple of times, “You want to try a lavender cheese honey bagel with edible glitter.”

Even the sound of it seemed to be painful for him but he pressed his lips together and nodded fervently. “Mm hm.”

You tried to stop the smile threatening to warm your face and put the box on the coffee table before looking up at him.

“Bucky, listen—“

“I’m sorry,” he cut you off, “That comment back there, it was so uncalled for.”

You crossed your arms, “Why did you say that though?” you asked, “Is that—is that what you think?”

“No,” he shook his head fervently, “Of course not.”

“Then?”

“I don’t know if I can give an explanation without it sounding incredibly weird to you.”

“Try me.”

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way,” he said “It’s like— the way you are, it’s like someone somehow looked into my whole life back in 40s before everything and saw every single detail of what I wanted and made you.”

Yeah. That was exactly what you and the division had done.

“I’m not used to…” he motioned at you, “This. It’s like you’re too good to be true, like you’re perfect, does that make sense?”

A dull pain flipped your stomach and you stared up at him, trying to ignore your throat tightening before you went to sit down on the couch.

“I’m not,” you rasped out, “I’m not perfect. You’ll see it sooner or later.”

That right there was as honest as you could be with him. You rubbed at your eyes and grabbed the wine glass to take a huge sip as he sat down beside you, his gaze fixated on you.

“I’m sorry too,” you said, “It was an overreaction, it’s just… Julian’s effect on me.”

He stayed silent for a couple of seconds as if he had no idea how to approach the topic.

“Rough break up?”

“You could say that,” you scoffed a laugh, looking down at your glass, “I mean….you think you know a person, right? And they have no problem with proving you otherwise, prove that you didn’t know them at all. They—they betray your trust and everything was a lie all along and—“

And just like that, the realization hit you like a ton of bricks, making you stop talking.

You were doing exactly the same. It was just another version of the betrayal you had seen from Julian, and you were doing the same thing to Bucky.

He thought he knew you, and you would prove him otherwise, and betray his trust and walk away when this mission was over. In fact, by the time it was over, he would hate you even more than you hated Julian.

You cursed under your breath and took another sip of your wine, trying to ease the crushing guilt making you feel almost breathless.

“Sorry,” you managed to say, “I didn’t mean to unleash it on you, I just don’t want him anywhere near me.”

“I could pay him a visit if you want?”

You pulled your brows together, distracted for a moment before you tilted your head to the side.

“What?”

“To warn him to stay away from you.”

“Uh, I appreciate the chivalry,” you said, “But I can take care of myself.”

“Never said you couldn’t,” he pointed out, “It’s just the old-fashioned thing.”

“Oh the old-fashioned thing?” you repeated with a smile and he shrugged his shoulders.

“Yeah,” he said, “You know, taking care of my girl.”

You thought your heart would leap out of your throat as the warmth spread through you before the idea of betraying him hit you once again. The words felt like they were trying to escape from your mouth, the urge to come clean getting heavier and heavier before you leaned in to brush your lips against his, making him wrap his arms tight around you to pull you closer. You settled in his embrace, the back of your eyes burning but you blinked a couple of times to get rid of tears. He nuzzled into your hair, inhaling your scent.

“Can we stay like this for a while?” you asked and he smiled, pressing a kiss on top of your head.

“Sure thing,” he said and nodded at the TV screen, “What is this movie about?”

“I don’t know, it has cars and criminals,” you said, the guilt making you feel almost nauseous, “Bucky?”

“Hm?”

He would never understand what your confession actually meant, but you felt as if you would choke if you didn’t say it.

“I like who I am when I’m with you.”

A chuckle rumbled in his chest before he reached out to caress your cheekbone.

“Makes two of us darling,” he murmured, “I like who I am when I’m with you too.”

A bitter smile curled your lips and you bit inside your cheek to control yourself, sniffling inaudibly before you closed your eyes, enjoying his warmth.

Chapter 14

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #tfatws #the falcon and the winter soldier #marvel #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes imagines

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fizzingwizard · 2 years ago

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I’m in such a bad personal headspace - for the past couple months, really. It’s a lot to do with certain issues back home, but I think I’d probably be less overwhelmed if not for a lot of things piling up over the years.

Like the fact that I haven’t gone back to visit my family in three years thanks to the pandemic, the fact that if I try to go this year it will be even more unaffordable and inconvenient to travel than ever, and that when I do, I won’t be going home, I will be going to visit places I’ve never seen before because my parents divorced. If it could be a nice quick trip that’d be one thing, but it’s a long, expensive, international trip, so I’m not going to go for just one weekend. But I’m absolutely dreading what it’s going to be like staying with my parents in different places etc.

But even that isn’t the crux of what’s crushing me down. Since I was a kid, I have always felt like there were two worlds: my world and everyone else’s. I don’t mean subjective vs objective perspectives. I mean that the things I believe, the things I feel, the things I think are important, never seem to align with anyone else. It is a very weird existential crisis sort of feeling.

I remember, one day, I was in a college creative writing class, and we were supposed to interpret a short story. I suggested the story was about feelings of loneliness and insecurity a freshman might experience starting out in college. I didn’t expect to be “right,” we were all just throwing things out there, but I was shocked by how resistant my classmates were. Several actually insisted that it couldn’t be an acceptable interpretation because that’s not how college students feel. I was like what? Since when are there no insecure college freshmen? But they insisted! Years later it still boggles my mind. You mean to tell me you all went to college expecting nothing but puppies and rainbows? I was a jittery mess my freshman year, but I didn’t think for a moment that it was just me.

And I know it’s not just me. Of course many people feel nervous starting any new experience. Isn’t that common sense? But the pushback in that creative writing class was strong and so unexpected that I felt like I was living in alternate reality.

And that sort of thing is my personal torture chamber. When my parents announced their divorce, I was sad and surprised - but my parents were surprised that I was sad and surprised. Again, WHAT?? Isn’t that a NORMAL way for anyone to feel when their parents divorce, even if they aren’t a kid anymore? Like yeah, it didn’t happen till my 20s, and of course I knew things weren’t great... but did they really think I wouldn’t be affected at all? They seemed more shocked by my shock than I was by their divorce!

Or when I was a teenager and both my parents got into a car accident while I was away. They didn’t tell me till I got home. I told them that I appreciated that they didn’t want to worry me, but I wanted to know about such things. Then my brother was hospitalized with a collapsed lung - again while I was away - again, they didn’t tell me. Most recently, my dad was in the hospital for a kidney stone - again, no one told me. Even though I always say I want to be told. They don’t tell me. They don’t think it’s important.

At work, I express concerns that a door should be locked that isn’t and am told it can’t be locked because reasons. One day, one of my students escaped through that unlocked door. Suddenly, not only is the door required to be locked, but it’s my fault because it was my student who escaped - even though I was off duty at the time. Less specific, but more commonly, work says “ask us questions” and I asked a question and am considered a nuisance. I started to think I really just don’t have the right personality for true professionalism and this year have shut up a lot more. However, guess what I found out? My coworkers are quitting left and right. They are talking in murmurs and have mentioned trust issues and oh, by the way, we filled out an “anonymous” survey a few years ago, and then a manager from a different school called ours to complain about the comments one of our teachers made. Er, anonymous? I think not. What that tells me is, I assumed that because no one backed me up when I spotted a problem, it meant the problem was in my head. When really, the problem existed, but no one wanted to address it/ had learned there was no use in addressing it and just decided to leave instead. Every time that happens, I kick myself for not believing my own feelings. But it happens again and again - me feeling one way and not getting any agreement, but someone else does. Do I just look like a person who shouldn’t be believed or something?

What seems like common sense to me is nonsensical to so many. What they think is an important value seems controlling and cruel to me.

Meanwhile, I am just living here. I have to pay taxes and keep paperwork to prove I’m supposed to be in the place where I am, to prove that I have the right to exist. All I did was be born. I read a fascinating story about one of the “unexpected” (read: totally predictable) results of China’s one-child policy: now there are people who were born that weren’t “supposed” to be, and as a result don’t have that essential paperwork, so they can’t get jobs, they can’t buy houses... they just fall through the cracks. Isn’t that stupid. Although that was Chinese policy, it’s true throughout the world: people fall through cracks just because they exist. “But they’re not supposed to exist.” But they do. “But they’re not supposed to.” But they DO. “It’s their fault!” For what? Being born???

that was a rabbit trail but it definitely connects back to that existential crisis. I’ve simply never felt, since childhood, like what I care about matters to anyone but me, or that the feelings I have are rational. I don’t need a loudspeaker, I don’t need the cure for humanity. I just want to feel like I am also a human with valid feelings. Not some anomaly whose feelings and reactions are always the opposite of what they should be... even when I know they’re not.

Like really?? It’s normal to be sad about your parents’ divorce, is it???? It’s normal to want to be told about family members’ medical emergencies, isn’t it????

It’s an exaggeration, I suppose, but for a very long time I have felt like any time I say anything, it’s met with “Oh, it’s not as bad as that,” or “Oh, you’re not thinking clearly,” about things which are subjective opinions based in my personal feelings. That definitely doesnt meant I must be right! But it also means I can’t always be wrong every single time, especially when there’s no clear right answer! Regardless, this is how I feel!

And I am so, so nervous about expressing strong feelings - half because of the fear of being immediately invalidated by well-meaning loved ones whom I can’t hate, and half because every impulse to Go Off makes me fear that I’m turning into my dad.

It took forever for me to learn how to speak up around him, I’m still not that great at it, but I’ve stopped biting my tongue as much in recent years, even though it has no effect on him. He has told me flat out that even though he believes everyone with my values to be idiots, he doesn’t think I’m an idiot, because he is sure that someday I will believe the same things he does.

When I say something that could be construed as incendiary, I don’t think, “This was a human thing to do, even if it wasn’t maybe a right thing to do.” I think, “I’m turning into my dad, a person who can’t respect anyone else’s beliefs and constantly belittles others and blames them for abandoning him after he’s mocked them to their face.”

I guess there’s some good in that, it means I can check myself and hopefully not turn into my dad one day. But it’s also mental torture. I second-guess myself all the time because of other people telling me something about me is wrong, AND I second-guess myself without any outside help, just because of my own fears.

The result is I feel frozen and useless and lost. Knowing that nothing I do will change anything doesn’t help. I just have to power through the existential dread and then wait until the next time it hits me.

Lit the reason this post is so long (and why I’m so long-winded in general) is I never feel understood, by anyone, ever. And I do think wanting to be understood is a bad thing. It’s not possible. Once I had a talk with my mom about which was more important to us, being loved or being understood. I picked understood, she picked loved. At the time, I didn’t get it, because I still believed it was possible to understand another person - not perfectly, but at least with utmost empathy. I felt like if you don’t understand someone a decent amount, you don’t really love them, you just love your own idea of them. Since then, my feelings have morphed: it’s definitely possible to love someone without understanding them, it’s not altogether rational but that’s because humans aren’t rational. Maybe what we love in them is our history with them, or our faith in their future. I still love my dad despite everything. Does he love me? I guess so. It’s just hard to feel it. And then I think, he just loves that he’s got a daughter - the fact that that daughter is me isn’t important. And that hurts. And makes me feel less loved.

Love is unbearably complicated. So complicated that I’m not sure I believe in it, not in the sense most people seem to mean anyway. One of the hardest lessons I learned as a kid was when my best friend pushed me away. He never did explain all his reasons, but I know it was a combination of troubles at home and pretty much not thinking I was cool enough to hang out with his new friends. (To be fair, I was a very uncool teenager, lol.) He was the most important person in my life back then and I was heartbroken. I felt that we had such a deep connection, but I learned that his church friends made fun of me, didn’t like how I dressed (I mean, it was dorky), and that the pastors at his church didn’t trust me because I was from a different church (fuck religion, btw). I learned this had been going on for years. Suddenly the connection between us seemed to fizzle and pop like it had never existed. If I just felt like I had been deceived, it would have hurt less tan feeling like I’d deceived myself.

Since then I’ve made lots of new friends and had lots of other experiences and I barely ever think about my childhood best friend anymore. (And I should mention that some years later he apologized to me for what happened and I know now he was going through a lot at the time. We’re not on bad terms.) But what hasn’t happened is, I’ve never felt that level of connection with another person. And because of how the friendship ended, I started to think it had never even existed. And if it didn’t exist, and if people just love each other without any capacity to understand each other, then what the fuck is so great about love? It just seems based in a bunch of expectations and preconceived ideas about another person or about yourself. At least, that’s how I felt then.

As for now, what do I think of as love? Well, I think for me, it’s still a lot about understanding and empathy, but I’ve tried hard to de-empathize those things in my head. You can never control another person or predict what they’ll do, so caring about it too much is just a recipe for perfectly human betrayal. And people need to have room to change and grow into a different person. That’s where I learned I needed to be much more flexible. But I can’t deny it’s still important to me. I don’t want loved ones who are surprised by my feelings and personal philosophies all the time. Or, if they’re surprised sometimes, that’s ok, as long as they don’t think “she’ll get over it some day.” Don’t love me for “some day.” This is who I am now and it’s all I intend to be.

I’m so hurt and angry but there’s no outlet for it. I love to write but I am certain if I ever finish a book, a real, publishable book, it will just be ridiculed the way all of my feelings are ridiculed. That is the bottom line fear behind why I spend so much time staring at any empty page. It’s not just that I don’t write as well as I wish I did. It’s also that I don’t know if I have anything worth saying. If I’m the only one who feels these things, I will only write trash, I guess. But sometimes I think maybe that’s better. I had a fantasy just this morning of having published a book and refusing to answer reader questions or respond to criticisms. I was going on interviews and just walking out the minute anyone asked me why I wrote X or Y. Of course, the dream ended with everyone hating me for not giving them what they want and acknowledging how right they were. But if I don’t believe you’ll understand me to begin with, why should I bother to explain things I write? It’s not that I think other people can’t understand things, it’s that life has taught me I’m unrelateable. It’s also taught me that the fact that I’m unrelateable will be denied just as strongly as all my feelings are, so I’m doomed to being perceived a snob. There’s really no way out. I just won’t be believed no matter what I do. So walking out on the interviews made me feel hated, but also powerful. I could exert some control over my life. And I still wrote the next book.

Good fucking dream.

I feel a lot better now that I’ve vented. I haven’t been able even to write my silly fanfics lately because I’m just upset All. The. Time. For weeks. I feel like I need an exorcism. But writing this post helped some. Of course, even though I post on a public blog, I don’t expect it to be read. It’s all a mysterious ball of anxiety to anyone who tries, I’m sure. Probably they just think I’m weak and sensitive because my problems are so small in the big picture of things.

But it just feels good to have written it and posted it. It makes me feel more real. I guess that’s what I want: to feel real. Very weird idea.

#personal #long and dreary

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