#anyway sibling love gut punches me and you guys will all share in this with me

[the-cat-at-the-theatre-door]

No but because I'm in a mush mood, in my HC, Asparagus has been the only constant presence in Jellylorum's life since she was a week old. Their father was spotty in their early years until he stepped up, their mother died when they were relatively young, cats have moved up and moved on, but they have always been together. It's always come back down to her and him, regardless of how often they disagree and squabble and drift into their own goings on; it started that way and it will end that way, and I'm just a little sad about it.

[bloomingjungwon]

soap ☾ lee heeseung

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: here is first installment of the melanie martinez inspired fics! pls enjoy my lovely flowers!!

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: angst

washing your mouth out with soap; the symbolic meaning of "cleansing" after saying something you shouldn't have. you should've kept your feelings to yourself and held your toungue. you're now in a situation where you want to wash your mouth out with soap'

listen here

fifteen years of friendship. something you and heeseung had shared in common. from your awkward elementary days, to experiencing the uncomfortable change of puberty, and being there to witness each other’s “glow ups”, you’d say heeseung and you have been through thick and thin.

for you however, it was a painful friendship, but you never told heeseung. after realizing you were most likely in love with him in middle school, you just kept it to yourself. it never seemed to cross his mind anyway; the fact you could have feelings for him.

and that’s what made this friendship so painful. the fact that it was only a friendship. the fact that heeseung only saw you as a younger sibling. he only loved you platonically, and you knew it. you knew it deep down but never wanted to believe it. you’ve begged yourself multiple times to push your feelings aside for the sake of this friendship, but it didn’t hurt any less when you saw him with another girl. so you made it a mission to rid your feelings.

for a while, it worked. you stopped seeing heeseung as a love interest and got yourself a boyfriend. all was going great until you started imagining your boyfriend as heeseung. the way you’d rather have heeseung’s fingers interlocked with yours. the way you wished it was heeseung holding you from behind.

and over time, that’s how all your relationships ended. you’d fall in lust over and over again, just for you to end it because all you could think about was heeseung. you hated yourself for that. while you’re over here trying to maintain a relationship, heeseung had no problem with the girls he went out with.

laying down on your couch, the same thought played like a broken record in your mind. should i tell him how i’ve felt these past years? with the gut feeling of knowing how he feels about you, you knew the situation could end bad, but you hated the uncomfortable thought in your head. stressed and ready to pull your hair, you sat up and grabbed your phone off the table.

heeseung, i’m coming over in ten minutes.

alright, let me know when you’re here.

as best friends, it was normal for the both of you to just drop by whenever, whether one was busy or not. taking advantage of this, you made your way over, same thought still playing in your mind. it probably isn’t the best for you to be driving with your mind all over the place, but you wanted to settle this once and for all. just throw it all out. before you knew it, you were parked in front of his house,

one big breath in, and one big breath out. you texted heeseung you arrived and headed out of the car. sixteen footsteps. that's how many it took you to get to his front door from your parking spot. you’ve been to his house so many times, the amount of steps became a routine to remember. however those exact same sixteen steps you seem to always take seemed longer than usual, your anxiety eating at you and making the walk feel like a mile.

heeseung was already at the door before you could even knock. silent nods were exchanged and you let yourself in. out of habit, you dragged yourself to his bedroom, him following. you laid down his bed, staring and burning holes in his ceiling.

“is there something you need or are you just here because you’re bored?” he said after breaking the silence.

even more silence. all your thoughts threatening to come out of your mouth. god i feel like throwing up. i feel it coming out my throat. “i have something to say.” you said, barely whispering.

“do share.” he said, arms crossed and leaning against the doorway. you prepared yourself, and sat up, reverting your eyes to the floor. you refused to make eye contact with him.

“i think… no. i know, im in love with you. i have been. always have. it’s always been you heeseung.” you managed to blurt. he continued to stare at you, daring not to say a single word. the silence was killing you, threatening you more to spit out all your words.

“all those guys i’ve dated, i’ve never felt love with them. for months, i kept imagining them as you, and i know it’s fucked up, but i guess that’s what love does to you. i don’t feel the same way with them like i do with you. and maybe i’m being biased because i’ve known you all my life, but i wake up everyday and my first thought is you. i’m constantly thinking about you when i’m not supposed to. i see something and immediately think, “heeseung would love or hate this”. my heart feels like its been punched millions of times everytime i see you with another girl and i can’t help but wish that was me with you.”

tears fell down your cheeks, rolling down to the floor. you counted each one. nine of them have fallen. have you been speaking that long or were you just crying too much? with all your will, you finally looked up to him. his face said it all. this was not going to end well for you. shit, i said too much, it overflowed. why do i always spill?

heeseung whispered your name. “i don’t know what to say. the only thing i can think of is i’m sorry.”

although you were expecting this, it didn’t hurt any less. “you know i love you, platonically. as if you were my little sibling. it’s just how i’ve always seen you throughout my years of knowing you.”

“you don’t need to apologize. i just.. i just needed to get this off my chest because i couldn't hold it in any longer.” you stood up. “i think i should get going now. thank you for listening to me.”

heeseung wasn’t sure if putting his hand on your shoulder was a good idea, so he refrained himself from doing it. “thank you for telling me. i’ll walk you to the front.” he said. “it’s okay, i can do it myself. bye hee.”

with a sad look of pity, he replied “bye, and again, i’m sorry.” you cringed. stop apologizing, it makes me feel worse. without looking back, you made your way to the door.

sixteen steps. sixteen dreadful steps to make it to your car. you started your car and mindlessly drove around and until you were in a secluded area. turning off the car you pulled your seat back to lay down. you began to silently cry, cursing yourself for letting your feelings get in the way. you felt worthless, hurt, and dirty. i wish i never spoke. now i gotta wash my mouth out with soap.

[peachtree-dish]

A Te Che Sei Il Mío Grande Amore

Chapter 3: Senza che tu mi dica niente tutto si fa chiaro

Luglio 01, 1969

Luca’s birthday rolled around faster than anyone expected, the day arriving with clear skies and high temperatures. Luca awoke to his mother’s voice echoing through their home as she prepared breakfast. Stretching, the fifteen-year-old shook his nonna as gently as he could to wake her. She grumbled at his attempts and swatted at his claws.

“Nonna,” he sighed, shrugging with a smile and swimming into the kitchen to greet his parents. During his time in Porto Rosso, Luca enjoyed every moment he could swimming and spending as much time in the water since he couldn’t do as much in Genoa. He, along with Giulia and Signora Mia, had snuck to the shoreline in the early hours of the morning every few weeks or so just so Luca could refresh his scales and get the nutrients he needed. It was especially necessary when the temperature had become too cold and made him lethargic and ill. Luca shook his head softly, sending bubbles rippling above him in search of the surface. Signora Mia had been just as kind as Massimo, and just as headstrong in a lot of ways. He made a silent promise to call her with Giulia to make sure she was doing well, even if he were sure nothing could fell the infamous Mia Berni.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” Daniella kissed Luca’s cheek and handed him a plate full of seaweed and fish flank on his way to the table. Returning the sentiment, the youth sat beside his father and informed his parents that grandma had decided to sleep in a little longer.

“Ugh, she does this every time. MA!” Daniella shouted in frustration, only to be startled by her own mother swimming around the corner.

“You’re being dramatic, dear. I only do it when I think it will annoy you.” The elderly sea monster smiled toothily at her disgruntled daughter who muttered, “Which is every day,” and finished setting the table.

“So, how does it feel to be another year older, son?” Lorenzo floated a piece of fish to his mouth and chewed animatedly, his gaze never leaving Luca’s. Luca shrugged in response and picked at the seafood drifting across the coral table.

“Not any different than last year, honestly. I still feel like I’m fourteen, so nothing special.” He slurped the seaweed into his mouth, much to his mother’s chagrin, and instantly missed the taste of pasta.

“Fifteen is a pretty big deal, though, you’re becoming a young man and that means changes and more responsibility.”

“I hardly think now is the time to discuss any of that at the table.” Luca’s grandmother scoffed before he could reply.

“What, it’s just the basics; Longer tail and fins, not to mention attracting the pretty lady gills, eh?” Lorenzo nudged Luca in the side who nearly choked on his food and spluttered white bubbles over the table, his scales flushing darkly.

“Lorenzo!” Danielle cried, her claws slapping the table in mortification.

“What? We were around his age when we met. If I remember correctly, you thought I was quite the catch.” He batted his eyes at her, pursing his lips teasingly.

“I was young and silly; I didn’t know any better.” Try as she might, Daniella couldn’t stop the smile that threatened to break her scowl. She busied herself by shredding the fish flank and wrapping it in seaweed. Undeterred, Lorenzo lifted from his chair and leaned in closer, trying to further fluster his wife.

“Yeah, maybe, but you still accepted my courting pearl after the Spring Swim Festival.” Lorenzo pulled a reluctant Daniella out of her chair and began to lead her around the room in spins and pivots, grinning madly as she shrieked with laughter. Luca watched with a mixture of amusement and confusion, his discomfort fading as he pushed the idea of ‘lady gills’ far from his mind. When he peered at his grandma, she appeared nonplussed and continued munching on her food although a genuine smile lifted her aging scales.

“You were skinnier and more handsome then, of course, she fell for you.” Lorenzo pouted at his mother-in-law and led both he and Daniella back to the table.

“I simply grew into my man body,” He emphasized his point by sticking his gut out even farther and patted it proudly. The table burst into laughter and Luca quickly finished eating after, his stomach nearly as full as his heart.

After he finished, he turned to his mother and asked, “Is it ok if I go visit Alberto and Giulia for the afternoon?”

Daniella conceded with a content nod, “Just don’t forget about our dinner tonight at Massimo’s, we don’t want you kids to be late.” Luca agreed cheerfully and kissed each family member on the cheek before swimming out the entrance.

“Hey!” Luca turned mid swim to see Daniella at the entrance. “I love you.”

“I love you too, ma!” Grinning, Luca took off, the water gliding past him as he made his way to the surface and his friends. As he leaped through the blue waves, he imagined he was like the superhero from the newspaper comics that Giulia and Mia both read. Pointing both fists forwards, Luca broke the surface with a whoop, water streaming behind him like a cape.

When he arrived at the Marcovaldo residence, the only beings there to greet them were Machiavelli and a few of his kits, each of whom wanted his attention and brief affection. Finding some of his spare clothes in the drawers of Alberto and Giulia's shared room, Luca quickly left the house and wandered the streets, eager to find his friends. Judging from the sun, he knew the morning fishing trip had come to an end not too long before which should mean Giulia, and Alberto was out delivering. Walking through the town square, Luca waved to a few of the patrons he recognized, mentally wincing as he remembered his first attempts at greeting Porto Rosso’s patrons. If anyone had been the stupidi, it had been them.

Chuckling as he went up the city’s hill, Luca caught sight of two familiar heads of curls along with two faces he was not expecting. Tensing at the sight of Guido and Ciccio, Luca prepared himself for a fight and made to run the rest of the way before he heard laughter. Guido was laughing at something Alberto had said and lightly touched his shoulder. Somehow, the movement was worse than if he had punched Alberto instead. A dark and ugly feeling reared its head within Luca’s belly, causing his face to burn and his hands to clench. Clenching his teeth, the young sea monster marched up the cobblestone pathways, intent on not showing his discomfort.

“Ciao,” he muttered shortly, arriving beside Alberto, and instantly causing Guido to lift his hand from Alberto’s shoulder. Giulia nodded hello from her seat on the bike as Alberto wrapped an arm around Luca’s shoulder.

“Oh, hey Luca,” Alberto cheered even more so upon seeing Luca. “You remember Guido and Ciccio, vero? I helped their families in the off-season while you were away.” Luca looked at the two teens who stood abashedly in front of him and offered his hand after a moment of hesitation.

“It’s good to see you both again,” Not, he thought as he shook the brunette’s hand. Ciccio spoke up, his round features coloring.

“We realize we never officially apologized to you before you left, si? We’re really sorry about last summer, Luca.”

“Si, Ciccio, and I were very foolish and ignoranti, we hope you can forgive us, and we can start again.” Guido smiled warmly, his gaze sincere. Taking a deep breath, Luca felt his earlier feeling of… whatever it was, fading away. If Alberto and Giulia both felt they could trust these boys again, then he could follow their lead.

“Lo apprezzo. I know being around Ercole wasn’t the easiest either, it’s all water under the bridge now anyway.” He smiled genuinely this time, heartened when the two ex-henchmen immediately relaxed.

“Bah, no lie, I’m so happy to be rid of that jerk,” Guido nodded at Ciccio who nodded and twisted his hands anxiously.

“He ate so much of my family’s bread,” Ciccio whispered horrified, his gaze wide. Giulia shared a weirded-out expression with Alberto who only shook his head.

“I didn’t know your family baked,” Luca interceded, ignoring his friends’ lack of subtlety Snapping back to the present, Ciccio grinned widely showing his perfectly white teeth.

“Oh, si, Pasticcini al sale Marino is the pride and joy of Porto Rosso and my family. Our baked goods bring customers from miles around; you should see the line of people who want to buy my mother’s Sfogliatella.” He leaned in conspiratorially to whisper, “My siblings and I have been helping since we were little, so only we know the recipe.” He puffed his round chest out proudly, only to be poked by both Alberto and Guido.

“Knowing a recipe and following it correctly are two different things, Ciccio. Your batter was not very good the last time you tried to make Bombolini.” Guido teased and Alberto nodded knowingly.

“I still don’t know how you mixed up salt and sugar,” the older sea monster screwed his face in disgust, remembering how the supposedly sweet treats and mistakenly been made with copious amounts of salt. “Seriously, Ciccio, even the ocean’s not as salty as those things were.” Ciccio pouted good-naturedly as the group laughed.

“It’s still not as bad as the time Guido set the auto garage on fire,” the blond argued mildly to which said boy grimaced.

“I thought we agreed to never speak of that again; I thought my papa was going to skin me alive.”

The teens chatted a bit more and Luca began to warm up to the two boys who had hurt him so much the past year. Perhaps, he reasoned, they had been good all along and had simply needed the chance to prove themselves.

Bidding Guido and Ciccio farewell, Luca joined Alberto and Giulia as they made the rounds. Luca asked a question that had been on his mind since arriving in Porto Rosso.

“So, whatever happened to Ercole? I haven’t seen him since we’ve been in town.” Alberto placed the cash from his previous sale into the leather pouch of the cart before answering.

“Honestly, the guy kind of disappeared after the race. I think he was embarrassed enough to keep his head low for a while, but other than that, I’m not sure. Maybe he left?” Giulia thought for a moment, her gaze focused on the road ahead.

“Maybe, I don’t think he went away to university, but he could have. His family is really wealthy, so they could afford it no matter the grades he got.”

Luca kicked a pebble, his thoughts skipping back to that one word: university.

“What’s the point of grades anyway, doesn’t that, like, stress you out more?” Alberto mused.

“It certainly does for me,” Giulia huffed. She bid Buongiorno to a young mother who bought the last of their fish and both Luca and Alberto filled the empty space as they headed back down the hill.

“I think it’s mostly competition, to see who really wants to be an academico or no,” she contemplated. “Sometimes if you have really good grades, the universities will pay you to study in their schools. That happened to mama when she moved to Genoa.” Alberto winced slightly at the mention of Giulia’s mother, the story of her separation from Massimo fresh in his memory.

“I wonder if I was good enough, they’d do that for me?” Luca hummed, his eyes following the drains that spread across each building they passed.

“Well, duh, they’d be stupid not to; you’re better than good enough right now,” Alberto bumped his shoulder with a smile. Luca blushed and tossed his friend a grin.

“Hey, happy birthday by the way. It’s about time you got to my age,” the older boy winked and wrapped his arm around Luca again, causing Luca’s skin to hum with energy.

“Oh, yeah! Are you excited for tonight?” Giulia asked over her shoulder.

“Thanks, you guys, really,” Luca felt warmer with Alberto’s arm around him, and he was sure it had nothing to do with the afternoon sun. He wondered briefly if said boy could feel how hard his heart was pounding. “Should I be excited, I thought we were just having dinner?” Luca asked, brow furrowing in confusion. He twisted around to face Giulia as she pulled into the plaza and made her way towards the small coastal home. Alberto lifted his arm when Luca turned away, causing him to feel its loss.

Giulia glanced at him and grinned excitedly. “Papa saved some fireworks from the Festa Della Repubblica since we were in Genoa, and he wants to set them off for tonight.” Luca gasped and jumped in his seat.

“Santa mozzarella! Are you serious?!” He shared an animated glance with Alberto who smiled as he hopped off the cart.

“Of course! I mentioned to him how much you had enjoyed the fireworks during Vigilia di Capodanno last December. He decided that would be his gift to you this year.” Giulia locked the bike and carried their bag of earnings inside, the two boys following after her.

Inside they found Massimo at his stove, his presence filling up the majority of the room. He turned to greet them as they entered, placing a kiss upon Giulia’s curly head.

“Buon cumpleanno, Luca. May you live to see many more,” Massimo rumbled fondly, patting Luca on his checkered shoulder. Luca returned the sentiment and wrapped a short hug around the large man, his arms too small to wrap fully around him.

“Grazie, Massimo. For your wishes and for your surprise gift,” Luca pulled away while Massimo smiled happily, his eyes disappearing behind his bushy eyebrows.

“Giulia,” Massimo chided lightly, turning to his daughter who was counting out money, “I thought we agreed to keep it a secret until after dinner?” Giulia smiled apologetically.

“Scusa, papa, we were just too excited,” She and Alberto began counting the coins on the table while Massimo ushered Luca over to the stove.

“Come, Luca, you will help me prepare dinner,” Massimo handed him a bag of clams and ordered him to wash them thoroughly in the sink. Luca would be the first to admit he was not a cook, but Massimo was gentle in his orders and easily guided Luca in making a perfect pasta dinner.

Once the Paguro family arrived along with Ciccio and Guido, once again to Luca’s surprise, the night was filled with much laughter and filling food. The linguine pasta alle vongole was instantly a hit and paired nicely with the red wine Ciccio had brought on behalf of his family. To the teens’ disappointment, the adults were adamant that they were still too young for alcohol. At one moment, Lorenzo laughed so hard, he inhaled his pasta and sent part of it into his nose much to the delight of the children. After dinner, the group trouped outside with fireworks and dessert in hand. While Massimo and Lorenzo set up the fireworks near the edge of the waterline, Daniella, Giulia, and Ciccio helped serve gelato and watermelon.

With a happy sigh, Alberto nestled himself into the sand alongside Luca, happily chewing on the red-fleshed fruit. Luca’s eyelids were drooping as his body felt full and warm, accompanied by his own friend’s radiating heat. His gaze lingered as Alberto licked gelato from his lips, the cream dripping from the corner of his mouth. Forcing his eyes to look anywhere else, Luca shifted closer to Alberto. Instead, his gaze landed on his father asking animatedly about the fireworks in Massimo’s hand, the larger man looking both confused and entertained by Lorenzo’s energy.

“I know I already said it, but happy birthday,” Luca dragged his eyes back to the tanned boy next to him and smiled. He jumped slightly at the first explosion, watching in delight as the light of the fireworks made his friend’s skin glisten with multicolored hues.

“Thank you for sharing it with me,” He replied easily. Neither made comment as their arms brushed or as their hands splayed out behind them with barely any space between. Up above the merry group, bright color after bright color bloomed across a starlit sky, the stars twinkling their own delight.

[gallavictorious]

Fic: This Time (We’ll Be Fine)

Ian's bipolar was always bound to make itself known again sooner or later, so Lip's not exactly shocked when Mickey swings by to break the news. Well, he's a little surprised at first, when he opens the door to find his brother-in-law and not, say, any of his siblings or Kev waiting outside. While Mickey's joined Ian in helping out with the renovations a few times, him dropping by out of the blue and all by his lonesome is still a bit of an occasion.

”Hey,” Lip says, pulling off his work glows. He's spent the last hour removing the old counter tops from the kitchen, hoping to get it done before Tami returns with Freddie from a visit to her parents.

”Hey.” There's an awkward pause, but before Lip can ask what's up, Mickey plows on: ”So, Ian's been a little off for a few days, and we're pretty sure it's early signs of a manic episode.”

Something about the way he says it has Lip momentarily flashing back to the day many years ago, when Mickey and his brothers had confronted him about Ian allegedly messing with Mandy. He almost braces himself, because while he's been over that whole thing for years and years, his body still remembers the pain.

Then the actual words sink in and ah, fuck. It not being a surprise doesn't mean it doesn't hit like a punch to the gut.

With the worry comes a pinch of guilt: the house he rented is actually liveable now and he and Tami moved into it a month or so ago, but there's still a lot of work to be done and Lip's been spending every waking hour not devoted to his job or Freddie trying to get it fixed. It hasn't left him a lot of time for checking in with the rest of his familly.

”Is he okay?” he asks.

”Yeah. Well, no, he's a fucking mess, but he will be, you know. Fine. Upped his downers and booked an appointment down at the clinic on Monday, so they'll sort this shit out, get his pills adjusted or whatever. He's in bed now, sleeping it off.” Mickey lets out a sigh, distractedly reaching for a pack of cigarettes in his pocket. Lip doesn't protest when he lights up, even though he knows that Tami will say something snide about the smell when she comes home.

Let her; man looks like he can use a smoke. Lip wouldn't mind one himself, but bites back the urge to ask.

”Anyway,” Mickey continues, ”I just wanted to let you guys know, and, uh, I was thinking that maybe you'd come by someday next week. For dinner or whatever?”

Lip blinks. Sure, they ate together all the time when they were all staying at the Gallagher house, and they've shared a few meals since Lip moved his little family across the alley, so having dinner in and of itself isn't really weird – but getting an official invitation to one, and from Mickey of all people? Yeah, that's new.

His surprise must show, because Mickey makes a face. ”Yeah, I know,” he mutters. ”It's just... He hates it, you know? He's got it under control and he'll be fine but it's...  he hates it. He'll be fucking dejected and shit for weeks, even after the new meds kick in. And you guys always cheer him up, so I figured... ” He shrugs, not finishing the sentence.

It occurs to Lip that maybe it isn't easy for Mickey to come here and ask for this – to ask Lip for anything. There was a time when Lip thought Ian an absolute idiot for falling for Mickey Milkovich, and he's pretty sure Mickey knows as much, because Lip sure as hell didn't try to keep it a secret. But that was a long time ago, and as far as Lip's concerned, they've been good for years now. He's not sure if Mickey knows that, though, or feels the same way; they've never really talked about it.

So yeah, maybe it's not easy for Mickey to come here. He does it anyway; for Ian, he always will.

Lip loves him a little for that.

”Yeah, yeah, sure, man,” he says quickly, realizing that he's been silent for too long, lost in thought, and that Mickey is looking at him with something quite close to barely concealed anxiety. ”Of course we'll come.”

Mickey's shoulders drop just a fraction of an inch at that. He givs a curt nod. ”Okay. It'll probably take a few days before his, I don't know, levels are adjusted or whatever. But maybe you can keep your evenings open and I'll call you? And don't let him know I talked to you, right?” he adds, giving Lip a decidedly threatening look. ”He fucking hates it when people make a fuss.”

”Yeah, no, I know. I won't say anything. Thanks for letting me know.”

Mickey nods again, tossing his cigarette butt to the ground. Lip makes a mental note to pick it up before Tami gets back.

As Mickey makes to take off, Lip calls out, on an impulse: ”Hey, Mick.”

Mickey stops. ”What?”

”You ever hesitate?” Off Mickey's blank stare, he adds: ”Getting back together. Dealing with this for the rest of your life. You know how crazy it can get.” Knows it only all too well; Mickey had been there when Ian first fell ill and in spite of doing as well, and way better, than could possibly have been expected of him, it had not ended very well for Mickey.

That shit's gotta hurt. Looking at Mickey now, Lip thinks he can see the strain lurking under his mostly calm demeanor. See the fear, maybe.

And still Mickey glares at Lip like he's an idiot. ”Fuck no, I didn't hesitate,” he says, sounding affronted. ”It's just a fucking disease, man. We'll deal. Think I'm gonna ditch him because he has a few off days every now and then? Who the fuck doesn't have off days?”

It's more than a few off days every now and then, and they both know that – but Lip knows, too, that to Mickey, to some degree, it really is that simple. It's a disease. It's serious and it sucks, but it's not the sum total of Ian; it doesn't define him. And sure, Lip knows this on an intellectual level, as does the rest of his siblings, but he thinks that maybe Mickey is the only one who truly, fully gets it on an emotional one.

With that in mind, Lip meets Mickey's glare, unflinching. ”Still. It can get pretty rough. I guess what I'm saying is... if you, like, ever needed to talk or just, you know, take a break and hang out, I'm here.” He might not always have been great about Mickey, or great about being there for people in general, but he's been doing a lot better with the latter lately and maybe he can use whatever supportive skills he picked up at AA to do better at the former, too.

He's half convinced that Mickey will roll his eyes and walk off with an insult thrown over his shoulder, and he's fully convinced that Mickey's actually considering just that before opting to just nod again. ”Yeah,” he mutters. ”Thanks.”

”You're welcome.” Lip pauses, hesitating. But fuck it: ”I'm glad, you know. That he has you?”

And apparently that pushes the conversation too far into sentimentality because now Mickey does roll his eyes, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture. ”Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll call you.”

He walks off. Lips pick up the cigarette butt and heads inside.

---

The call comes on Thursday morning, and a little past five in the afternoon Lip carries Freddie through the kitchen door with Tami in tow.

Liam's doing homework by the table and Mickey is stood by the stove, staring down an enormous pot of boiling water.

”Hey,” he says, sounding for all the world like he's surprised to see them, but he gives them a quick, grateful look, before jerking his head in the direction of the living room, where Ian's chilling with Debbie, Franny, and Carl in front of the TV.

Ian looks tired, and maybe even paler than normally, but he smiles readily enough when he catches sight of them. His smile widens further when Lip hands Freddie over for him to hold. ”Hey, buddy,” he coos.

”You guys staying for dinner?” Mickey calls from the kitchen. ”Made a shit ton of pasta, so there's plenty to go around.”

Lip makes a show of looking at Tami for confirmation.

”Yeah sure, why not?” she says, playing along. ”Saves me having to cook in a kitchen that's only half-existent.” She raises her voice: ”Thanks, Mickey, we'd love to.”

They chat for a while, and then Debbie and Tami starts comparing notes on child development, which for some reason is slightly unsettling – maybe because there's part of him that still thinks of Debbie as his little baby sister and hearing her talk to his baby mama like an equal is fucking strange – and eventually he, Ian and Carl move into the kitchen, leaving Freddie with Tami.

Liam puts away his homework; Ian grabs them drinks from the fridge; it's familiar and comfortable and, yeah, Lip's missed this.

He looks up and catches Ian watching him. ”So, you guys just decided to stop by, huh?” Ian asks casually.

Lips shrugs, deliberatedly not glancing toward Mickey chopping lettuce by the sink. ”Yeah, you know. Been a while since we all got together, figured it'd be nice to just drop by.”

”Uh-huh.” Ian does glance over his shoulder at Mickey, who is doing a very good job of pretending to be entirely engrossed in his salad-making and not at all listening in on any conversations. Lip keeps his face carefully blank as Ian turns back to him with a knowing look on his face. There's a hint of annoyance there; maybe a hint of resignation too, and something else that Lip can't quite decipher –

For a moment, he thinks that Ian is going to say something, but then his brother rises abruptly instead. A few long strides and he's right behind Mickey, grabbing hold of his wrist and spinning him around, which is hell of a bold move, considering that Mickey is Mickey and holding a fucking knife.

”What the – ” Mickey begins, but is quickly silenced as Ian claims his lips for a kiss.

Claims really is the right word, Lip thinks, feeling as if he should avert his eyes, but not quite managing to. It's a thorough kiss; rough; demanding. Ian's got his arms wrapped around Mickey's neck, his body pinning Mickey against the kitchen counter, and there's something possessive about it, something that – yes – speaks of claim and want and need.

Mickey's still holding the knife in one hand, half a lettuce in the other, and he can't really do much but stand there and let Ian kiss him. Not that he seems to mind in the slightest, Lip notes, and fuck it, but he never thought he'd see the day when Mickey Milkovich would just melt into Ian's arms, his kiss, so easily and so happily; so entirely without reservation, in spite of being surrounded by inlaws.

Eventually Ian lets go and steps away, walking back to the table with studied nonchalance, as if he's not, in fact, leaving his husband flushed and with swollen lips and a dazed grin. The look on Ian's face gives lie to his casual attitude, however: there's something fierce there and a hint of a satisfied smirk lurking in the corner of his mouth.

Then he sits down and blinks and is just plain old Ian again, Lip's little brother grinning easily. ”How's it going with the counter tops?” he asks. ”You convince Tami to go with the concrete ones?”

”Hell no,” Lip says, taking a sip from his coke to hide his smile. ”Apparently anything but marble or at least granite is out. She's saying we should invite Aunt Opie over, have her get so shocked over our living conditions that she offers to pay for the whole thing, but... ”

Over by the stove, Mickey returns to his salad. He's still smiling. So is Ian, as he listen to Lip detail the horrors of home renovation, and Lip thinks that maybe this time they're all going to be just fine.

[kenmastwin]

Short Fuse and High Maintenance ✰ YakuLev

Genre: fluff, getting together

Words: 4,328

Summary: A few months passed with Lev on the team and at this point, Yaku was convinced that Lev was sent here to continuously make him feel small. Of course, Lev had never meant it in an offending way and somehow, that made it even worse. This way, Yaku didn’t only have to deal with the spite he felt from a fucking giant calling him short, he also had to deal with this weird tingling feeling in his heart that made his ears burn a little bit red.

Everything started on the day Lev first stepped into Nekoma’s gym for his first volleyball practice and caught sight of that one very short player. The third-year libero, Yaku Morisuke. Lev’s first impression of him was very simple: small. At that time, he hadn’t known yet how much that single fact would affect him and make a mess of his thoughts.

Haiba Lev, being a very tall person had, of course, seen small people. Actually, most people he’d encountered could be considered smaller than him. There was nothing to be surprised at in Yaku’s case either, especially since his amazing receiving skills definitely made up for his height on the court. Lev loved everything that was small and cute ever since he was a child. He would often feed the cats and dogs in the neighborhood or play with the children. He was very good with children and children liked him a lot too. They loved sitting on his shoulders to see the world from a higher point of view and just simply having one more playmate.

Becoming a regular member of the volleyball team taught Lev three things: his spiking teacher and setter, Kenma is impatient and reluctant to practice with him; his blocking teacher and captain, Kuroo is annoying and keeps nagging his ear off; his receiving teacher, Yaku is not only short but also has a short fuse. Lev honestly hated receiving practices, it was way too exhausting to keep running from one side of the court to the other and continuously dive for the ball. Yaku’s steadily reverberating scolding and yelling didn’t make it better either. Lev sneaked out not once when his senpai wasn’t paying attention. In the end, Lev concluded that not all small things were lovely and cute.

=^.^=

Yaku Morisuke could feel it deep in his guts the very first time he’d met Lev. It was a very intense boiling feeling that he couldn’t quite place at that time. He’d known it was triggered by his first impression on Lev: annoyingly tall half Russian towering over him to accentuate how small Yaku actually was. Yaku hated feeling small. He did all he could to make people focus on his high-quality receiving skills instead of his height and reveled in the fact that there were smaller players on the court as well. For example, Hinata Shouyou from Karasuno. Hinata was actually a whole centimeter shorter than Yaku and a middle blocker where height was the most important quality. Seeing him, Yaku didn’t seem all that special.

His feeling of disdain had only grown after he started to practice together with Lev. God, he sucked at everything so much... but he still kept running around shouting that he’d become the ace of Nekoma earning an earful from Yamamoto.

“Shut up and drag your ass back to receiving,” Yaku yelled at him, grabbing him by the back of his shirt and dragging him to the other side of the court. He cursed himself internally for not being able to reach his ear to drag him by that. Stupid tall bastard.

A few months passed with Lev on the team and at this point, Yaku was convinced that Lev was sent here to continuously make him feel small. ��

“Yaku-san, you’re so good at volleyball even though your small?”

“Is Hinata really smaller than you?”

“Yaku-san, you’re so small and cute.”

Of course, Lev had never meant it in an offending way and somehow, that made it even worse. This way, Yaku didn’t only have to deal with the spite he felt from a fucking giant calling him short, he also had to deal with this weird tingling feeling in his heart that made his ears burn a little bit red. That pair of sparkling eyes always held such sincerity in them that Yaku hardly could think that Lev was making fun of him. A tiny thought bloomed in the back of his mind: maybe, just maybe this guy actually liked his height?  

Yaku crushed this ridiculous thought, kicked Lev on the butt and refused to even look at the pouting man. What’s there to like about height anyways?

=^.^=

Lev’s first impression on Yaku Morisuke took a 360° turn after a few months passed. It changed from small and adorable to little and aggressive then back to small and adorable. He’d come a full circle only because Yaku’s passion for volleyball and his blunt nature scared Lev at first. He needed a few weeks to get used to it and realize that even though Yaku seemed to harbor some kind of grudge against him, his sharp words were never meant to harm Lev, only to help him improve for the sake of the team. The kicks and the punches he received were all things he could thank his own big mouth for. His teammates kept telling him over and over again to quit pointing out Yaku’s height if he wanted to live but he couldn’t help himself. That man, 2 years older than him, so self-conscious about a quality that only made him more charming in Lev’s eyes, was someone Lev could never control himself around.

It was all because Lev’s brain worked in the simplest way. When he saw something that he liked, he couldn’t help but compliment it. And god, did he like Yaku Morisuke a lot...

An unexpected phone call was the catalyst that deepened and secured just how much Lev actually liked the libero. He could neither expect or foresee it, much less stop it before everything had already escalated to the point of no return.

The caller was Lev’s older sister, Alisa who announced that she would come and live in Japan for a few months. Lev was very excited to see his sister and even more excited to introduce her to his teammates. He was super proud of his sister being a successful and beautiful model, and he wanted to show off his newly learned volleyball skills too. So, Lev invited Alisa to their upcoming game and made her meet his team at the entrance of the stadium.

Everything proceeded smoothly.

“Hello, I’m Haiba Alisa. Thank you for always taking care of Lyovochka,” Alisa greeted the Nekoma members and the members had their jaw on the floor.

“No way, is this your sister?” Yamamato had already hearts in his eyes.

“She is! Doesn’t we look very similar?” Lev asked, standing proudly by Alisa’s side, both of them smiling.

“Hm,” Kuroo nodded. “I guess you have some shared genes.”  

“She's prettier than Lev, though,” Kenma concluded and the whole team agreed as if Kenma’s words were law.

Lev pouted while Alisa laughed, feeling happy that his brother was getting along so well with his teammates. His gaze swept through his cheerful teammates before it finally landed on the small form of the libero he’d lately always kept in a corner of his vision. Yaku was currently staring at the pair of siblings with barely visible pink dusting his cheeks. Suddenly, his eyes met Lev’s and with a slight but sudden widening of them, he turned away completely. Lev’s eyes widened at the same time and a weird fluttering feeling spread in his heart and his stomach like a hundred butterflies taking flight at once.

Lev almost forgot that fleeting moment of locked eyes and flushed cheeks until Alisa came to cheer for them at another game.  

“Alisa-san came again?” Yaku rushed up to Lev, asking with sparkling eyes and the faint pink hue once again present on his cheeks. “She’s really too beautiful.”

Lev furrowed his brows, quickly making the connection between the flustered state of the libero and his sister’s presence. In the end, he only rubbed the back of his neck and laughed, “I know right. Let’s make sure to win today, Yaku-san!"

Yaku nodded, “Just try not to get in the way of the receives when you block.”

“Yaku-san...” Lev whined as the both of them ran up to line for the start.

The flushing and blushing, along with Yaku being uncharacteristically excited certainly didn’t help Lev tone his adoration down. If anything, it only sparked a thousand wishful scenarios inside the tall boy’s head. It seemed as if a whole new world opened for him, and the urge to never stop observing the short libero only increased.

If only he would receive half the attention of what Yaku blessed his sister with…  

=^.^=

Yaku seemed to not really look into Lev’s eyes. That made sense, he probably didn’t want to strain his neck looking up but Lev still imagined what it would feel like to have those sparkling brown eyes bore into his own, focusing on him and nothing else. Yaku-san's cheeks seemed to be round and delicate, they would probably fit nicely into Lev’s palms. Lev imagined pale skin warming up and changing shades under his touch until it became hot and red, a pair of lips awaiting to meet them with his own in a soft kiss-

Lev shook his head furiously to dissolve the mental image that strayed into dangerous territories. Yaku gave him a weird look, “Are you even listening to me?”

Lev’s only response was an awkward laugh, followed by Yaku’s exasperated sigh.

“I guess we should call it a day.”

“Sorry, Yaku-san,” Lev mumbled guiltily, walking after his receiving tutor out of the gym and into the clubroom to change.

“It’s fine. I didn’t expect to stay until this late, either,” Yaku said, doing everything in his power to keep his turned backside to Lev but he still couldn’t conceal a faint blush making its way into the tall boy’s view.

Lev rubbed his eyes, thinking that he must be really exhausted. His sister was nowhere in sight but Yaku-san was still blushing, that couldn’t be anything more than his mind playing games with him. He proceeded to change out of his sweaty practice clothes as fast as possible, thinking about a nice mind-clearing shower and some refreshing sleep at home.

However, something even more unexpected happened.

Yaku stopped in his tracks when they exited the school grounds and turned to look up at Lev, “Hey, wanna stop by the convenience store? I’ll treat you to ice cream.”

Lev’s eyes widened in absolute disbelief, feeling his insides burst from happiness. “Yaku-san!”

“W-what? If you don’t want to, that’s fine too. Just thought you’ve been working hard lately...” Yaku immediately averted his eyes, making wide movements with his arm to punctuate to the best of his abilities that this was not a big deal and there was no reason for Lev to be this happy. But Lev was even more happy because he knew very well that Yaku, although a very dependable senpai, wasn’t the type to just treat others to ice cream or anything else.

Lev caught one of Yaku’s flailing arms, his long fingers circling around the thin wrist. “I’d like that very much.”

“Th-then let’s go,” Yaku said, half mumbling the words, the blush creeping up on his cheeks again and not escaping Lev’s watchful eyes.

“Okay!”

The short walk to the convenience store down the street was spent in the quiet of the night. Lev’s head was so full of the confused happiness that overwhelmed him that somehow, he even forgot to speak, not filling up the silence with his usual chitchats. His eyes fluctuated between the road ahead and the short boy beside him, their gazes meeting every once in a while, before Yaku forcefully ripped away his.

They arrived too fast to Lev’s liking and Yaku sprinted inside, speedily navigating to where the ice creams were kept. It didn’t take long before he exited the store and offered one of the two ice creams to Lev with a bright smile on his face. “Here. Keep up the good work.”

“Thank you!” Lev accepted the treat, savoring the feeling of their fingers brushing together for the entirety of two seconds.  

Eating the ice cream with Yaku next to him giving him warm looks, the tiniest of smiles and well-earned compliments, Lev had two conclusions:

Hard work does indeed pay off and if this is his reward for holding out on Yaku-san's demonic training then it was all worth it, without a doubt.

Yaku-san is the most adorable human being in the world and if he can’t have him, he doesn’t want anyone else.

=^.^=

Yaku deeply regretted treating Lev for ice cream that night. Who would have thought that this would happen? All he wanted was to increase Lev’s motivation and to not have that look full of dread on his face whenever an extra receiving practice began. That’s the only reason why he willed himself to ask Kuroo Tetsurou with his shit-eating grin for advice on how to achieve that.

“Yakkun, have you ever heard of the stick and carrot method?”

“Please, say it so non-nerds can understand too,” Yaku replied even though he had a feeling of what Kuroo was implying already.

“I’m saying that you shouldn’t just scold him when he messes up but also give him rewards when he does well.”

Yaku groaned internally, a frown making itself present outwardly.

“Come on, Yakkun, it’s not that difficult to give the guy a few compliments. It’s not like you gotta confess your undying love,” Kuroo joked but the chuckle got caught in his throat when he saw Yaku’s wide eyes and flushed cheeks before they turned into angry pools of storm.

“Who would confess anything to that idiot...”

“You’re welcome!” Kuroo shouted after him as Yaku stomped out of the clubroom. “Huh, I didn’t expect that he cares about Lev this much.”

Kenma lifted his eyes from his game to look at Kuroo, “I give them one month.”

“Bet.”

To give Kuroo some credit, Lev did become more enthusiastic about practice after the ice cream reward. However, Yaku did not expect him to become this enthusiastic.

Lev arrived on time, didn’t try to slack off or escape and paid great attention to each and every word Yaku had said to him. His bright emerald eyes bore into Yaku with an unfamiliar intensity, making it difficult for Yaku to stay collected and not stumble over his words.  

He had no idea what went through the titan’s head but not only the attention, the physical contact had also increased. Usually, Lev would run off and bother Kenma for tosses to polish his spikes for which he needed to sacrifice his break time in order to convince Kenma (with the help of the coaches and the captain). Lately, Lev reserved a seat next to Yaku, sitting always in close proximity, thighs, shoulders and fingertips often brushing together. It never ceased to ignite a small fire in Yaku’s chest, making the heat spread all the way to his cheeks where it burned in pink. Yaku felt that every time he blushed because of Lev, he’d lost a piece of his honorable senpai image.

Well, not that Lev had ever cared about his senpai image, he’d always talked back to him and continuously called him short. Yaku was pretty sure that Lev had no respect for him whatsoever.

...On second thought, this statement didn’t feel quite correct. Because even though Lev rarely listened to him in the way Yaku had wanted him to, Lev never crossed any lines and always looked at him with nothing but pure admiration.  

Yaku felt his cheeks warm up at the thought again and squeezed his hands in a tight fist, feeling the overwhelming need to punch someone. Preferably the cause of his state. Preferably in the face.  

Of course, he’d spent quite a lot of time thinking about why his initial reaction to everything related to Lev was violence but the result only pissed him off more. Dreadful words of ‘confess’ and ‘undying love��� coming from his latest conversation with Kuroo popped up in his mind, and his rage changed targets, now very much wishing to punch the captain.  

Stupid Kuroo saying stupid things, implying that Yaku was in love with a stupid giant who kept making him feel all kind of stupid feelings. However, Yaku felt the stupidest out of them all for actually considering the idea quite often lately.  

Sometimes, he would catch himself staring at Lev without realizing it and even after realizing, he would keep on looking at the way his expression brightened when he nailed a spike, saved a ball or blocked a shot. It was even more interesting to see him get frustrated when he messed up, screaming but immediately focusing on the next rally. Yaku felt his chest tighten and a smile creeping onto his face at the same time. And the worst, the absolute worst was after practice! When Lev was spread out on the floor as if he was dead after the coach dismissed everyone and Yaku would approach Lev while wiping his face with a towel. He had no idea what had gotten into him but his hand moved against his own will and patted the disheveled silver hair. Lev looked up in shock and the moment their eyes locked, both of them froze. Both of their cheeks were pink but only Lev could see it grace Yaku’s turned face while the libero stood up, removed his hand and lightly poked Lev’s side with his foot.  

“Get up, don’t lie on the floor,” he spat out mechanically and walked away as fast as he could without appearing suspicious. He hated to admit it to even himself so he sure as hell would never admit anything about his maybe existing feelings to the boy himself.  

=^.^=

Now, Lev was not the brightest lightbulb in the bunch but when it came to Yaku, he was prompt to notice a change in attitude. Unfortunately, the conclusion he got from this simple observation was not quite correct.  

Lately, it seemed that Yaku was being more distant around him. There was less scolding and less hits and kicks attacking him but that also meant less physical contact. Lev felt somewhat weird for thinking about how he missed Yaku-san’s small fist punching his sides but this train of thought quickly geared him towards memories that made a lot more sense. Shoulders leaning against each other while resting, fingers brushing together while a reward of ice cream was passed, warm fingers combing through his hair after a long day of practice…  

Lev raised a hand, touching his hair for himself and feeling a strange kind of loneliness. He didn’t know why Yaku patted his head that day but he would sell his soul to only have that hand rest on top of his head again. There was just something about the short boy touching the top of this tall boy that felt more encouraging and comforting than any words could ever make him feel.

“If you don’t focus then stop wasting my time,” Kenma’s annoyed grumble and a volleyball fallen to the floor and rolling away brought Lev out of the maze of his thoughts. The maze of Yaku, we might as well call it by name. He had no idea that the smallest distance would make him miss the previous affection so much. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen Yaku anymore, only that there was no more talking and interaction aside from practice. Missing someone right beside him was definitely not normal.  

Lev sighed, “Sorry, Kenma-san.”

Kenma stared at Lev’s slouched form, observant eyes seeing right through him and he sighed as well, “What’s wrong?”

Seeing Lev straighten up and his cheeks darkening confirmed Kenma’s suspicion. “Yaku-san?”

“I-I mean,” Lev stammered, trying not to give his feelings away which was highly difficult when Kenma’s scrutinizing gaze felt like he was completely naked. “He seems like he’s avoiding me. But he’s practicing with me as usual so it might just be me...”

“Oh,” Kenma said, glancing at Yaku practicing with Kuroo and Yamamoto before he made a decision.  

“W-what?” Lev felt very uneasy.  

“Do you like Yaku-san?”

“Wha- I… H-how did you know?”

“I didn’t know. You just told me,” Kenma pointed out then added when he saw Lev’s horrified expression. “But I kinda guessed already. You’re super obvious.”

“Do you think Yaku-san noticed something and this is why he’s avoiding me?”

“I’m sure he noticed something but I doubt it’s how you feel…” Kenma rolled his eyes. It almost pained him how these two were so focused on their own feelings that they failed to notice the other struggling with the exact same feelings. Maybe he could give them a little push, he thought, he had a bet to win, after all. 

Lev tilted his head in confusion, “What do you mean?”

“Have you ever thought that he might like you too?”

=^.^=

Lev ran through the streets excitedly, a sense of urgency in his steps. He hoped that he would still be able to catch up to Yaku. He didn’t even dare to think about reciprocated feelings before but Kenma’s words sparked hope in his heart. Kenma would never comfort anyone with empty words so with encouragement from Kenma, he felt like he had the support of the entire universe behind him.  

“Yaku-san!” he called out when he spotted the small figure passing in front of the convenience store near the school. He locked eyes with the surprised libero. Lev strode over, crossing the distance with a few long strides and towered over Yaku. Yaku despised when anyone, especially Lev of all people, towered over him and he didn’t hesitate to insert his palm into the stupidly tall person’s side.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked with a frown.

Lev clutched his painful side, the sparkles in his eyes not at all subsiding as they bore into Yaku. “Yaku-san, do you like me?”

Yaku was taken aback by the bluntness of the question, completely speechless for a moment before finding his voice again. “Did you hit your head? Why would I like you? You can’t even make a proper block.” He didn’t mention his spikes. Yaku had to admit, he got a lot better at those, scoring important points for the team.

“No, that’s not what I mean. Do you like like me?”

“...” Yaku had a bad feeling about the persistent questioning. “Why are you even asking me that?”

“Yaku-san, please, answer me.”

He knows. Yaku had half a mind to punch him with all of his might and run away if that’s the only way he could get out of this mess. How could this be possible? Lev was way too oblivious to realize the affections masked behind yelling. Yaku swore to murder whoever ratted him out. Kuroo, he was sure of it. That bastard always enjoyed messing with him.

“What if I do?” he glared at Lev, trying not to let the embarrassment show on his face and daring the tall man to make fun of him.

It was as if a thousand fireworks went off in Lev’s mind, he radiated excited happiness as he got closer to Yaku. “Because I like you too! I really really like you, Yaku-san!”  

Yaku looked at him like he was crazy. Why would this guy like him? That made no sense to him. He did nothing but yell at him, scold him, kick his butt, punch his side, slap his head... Yaku didn’t know if he should feel relieved that he was liked despite his horrendous treatment or just stupefied because was this guy a masochist or what?

“Are you stupid?” Was the only thing that ended up coming out of Yaku.

Lev didn’t even hear it. “I’m so happy you feel the same way. Sometimes, I thought you really hated me but then you would stare at me like that so I was kind of confused. Ah, I’m soooo happy now.”

Yaku blinked. How did he exactly stare at Lev? Shit, had he been caught? That’s too embarrassing, he wished he could poke out his own eyes. Lev continued rambling but Yaku’s mind went completely blank as he tried and failed to assess this situation.

“Yaku-san, can I kiss you?”

“Huh?!” Lev’s face was suddenly way too close and Yaku’s heartbeat sped up while a blush spread onto his cheeks. He unconsciously covered his face with an arm. “Aren’t you getting way too ahead of yourself here? Shouldn’t you ask if I want to be your boyfriend first?”

Lev’s eyes softened. He gently pried Yaku’s arm away from his face and smiled at the pretty pink blush on his face. Cute. Yaku was really too cute. It was impossible to resist.

“But we like each other. And I really want to kiss you right now. Don’t you?”

The question sounded innocent coming from him but for Yaku’s ears it held a teasing tone and mixed feelings dueled in his mind. He did want to kiss Lev. God knows how many times he imagined how his lips would feel against his but he would rather die than to say it and since he’s too short for a surprise kiss, he decided to die without ever getting the experience.

However, his head ended up nodding. He actually nodded! This simple gesture shocked both Lev and himself. Fortunately, he didn’t have the time to be embarrassed about it because Lev’s lips landed on his almost instantly. It was a short kiss, innocent and sweet and lighting up both of their faces with bliss and blush.  

“Yaku-san,” Lev smiled when he pulled away. “Would you be my boyfriend?”

Yaku’s blush deepened until his face was the same color as his Nekoma jacket. “Y-yeah, I guess we’re dating now…”

“Yay, I’ll make you happy, I promise!” Lev was beside himself with excitement and instantly wrapped up Yaku in his arms, finally feeling the satisfaction of holding his own little happiness and he swore to himself that he would never let him go.  

[tcswritings]

MASTER DUMP.

Just a whole lot of very rough scribbles that were in my drafts. Some are lengthy, some are very short, some are super old (and partly outdated), others are somewhat recent but they all got one thing in common - I probably won’t go back to them, at least not any time soon. I really just wanna clear my drafts for now, and hey, why not share these bits? I kind of enjoy them anyway after all. xD

***

I. Untitled

(Declan tries to talk to Mick during the time of their big fight.)

***

“This is so stupid, man. We'll keep crossin’ paths after all, whether you like it or not and you don’t really wanna keep this up for all eternity, do you?” Declan asked, crossing his arms while he and the others watched Ryan unpacking the next box.

“Why are you talkin’ to me?” Mick mumbled out of the corner of his mouth. He didn’t even bother to look at Declan.

“This is bullshit, Mick!”

Mick merely took a deep breath, trying to stay calm and focussing on Ryan instead who currently struggled with the wrapping of his gift.

“I mean, I know you love actin’ like a petulant lil’ arsewipe but you could as well as just use that energy to try and forgive me?”

“Do me a favour and drop dead.”

“In sixty years, maybe. You’re gonna have to put up with me for a few more years, I’m afraid.”

“Fuck you.”

“Guys! Shhh!” Jessie hissed at her two fighting friends.

*****

“Can you please tell me what’s so funny?” The least Declan expected from Lauren was a laughing fit.

“I’m sorry!” she chuckled, doing her best to pull herself together. “It’s nothin’ personal, just the thought of my son’s father and his best friend - two grown up men - bitchin’ at each other like sum’ pre-teens would.”

____________________

II. Untitled

(Charlie and Kieran and that one evening in the O’Leary’s.)

It’s Summer 2016 and Charlie realises that her feelings for Kieran have taken a somewhat different turn as she finds herself smitten with him when they have a talk at her favourite pub in Boston.

*****

He looked thinner than the last time she had seen him, and he looked worn-out and very tired.

Not the kind of tired that a few hours of a good night’s sleep could fix, but the kind of tired that someone who had seen and endured too much within a short time would look like, someone who was silently suffering and who was bad at taking care of it.

When Charlie had met Kieran O’Connell for the first time a little more than six years ago, he had acted like an unnecessarily rude brat and there was no other way to put it. He had the questionable charm of a guy who was well aware of his good looks and who knew he was quite the catch, so to say, and she could still remember his overly confident swagger, the arrogant look on his face, his deep and penetrating voice as well as how his pale blue eyes had pierced hers when he had looked into her face for the very first time.

Despite his rudeness (and the apparent lack of manners), Charlie had thought of Kieran as a force of nature from the very beginning and it turned out that she was right - once she got to know him a little better, it became more and more obvious to her that he was actually a very passionate and spirited guy with a heart as big as the entire world and that had impressed her so much more than his cocky behaviour and she couldn’t help but grow really fond of him over the years.

Not much was left of the cocky and lively guy today, though, and while it ached Charlie to see her friend in pain - he tried his best to cover it up but he couldn’t hide it - she had felt a strange wave of affection overwhelming her right in the moment they had greeted each other with a heartfelt hug. There was sympathy, of course, but it was mixed with something else and it took her a little while to figure the feeling out.

Charlie was nervous. Anticipating. And she had been ever since they had sat down at one of the tables. Charlie had been listening closely and her heart ached for him and yet she couldn’t help but notice a little spark despite the gloomy subject. There was nothing in this world she wanted more in this moment than to be close to him and to fix the things going wrong in his life so he would smile at her again, like he always had.

“I just wish there was something I could say.” Charlie sighed. “I don’t have too much to offer aside from ‘I know how it feels.’”

“Y’ do?”

“Yeah.” she nodded. “I lost my aunt when I was 15.”

“That’s rough. You never told me about it.”

“Yeah, it’s not really a subject to keep a mood up, right?”

“Fair enough.” Kieran laughed. “What happened to your aunt?”

“Well, to be fair, she wasn’t really my aunt, not by blood at least. She was the wife of my dad’s best friend.”

“Blood or no blood, it no longer matters after a while.” Kieran said with a faint smile. “How did she die?”

“Same. Car crash. She had her little daughter with her, they both died. She was only 31, her daughter was three.”

“That’s horrible.”

“Yeah, it was. And it wasn’t even just the pain of losing them, y’know? Seeing dad hurt, seeing Adrian hurt - all of a sudden, our entire life was nothing but sadness and grief.”

Kieran let out a dry chuckle. “I know what y’ mean. Watching Ma and Pa, and also my siblings, is the worst. Like a punch to the guts. I try to come an’ see them as often as I can these days but truth is that I dread it every damn time. Sometimes it’s - I dunno. It’s-”

“Too much?”

“Too much.” Kieran nodded. “I mean, how do you even comfort the people who have raised you? What do you tell ‘em? That it’s gonna be alright? I don’t know what losing a child feels like. Gave ‘em nothin’ but grief myself for the better part of my life, I just don’t know what to do or say most of the time.”

“Do you think you have to do or say something?”

“Yeah, it’s what I think. It’s what I think any damn time I’m at home, any time my sister looks at me with her big sad eyes, like she’s at a loss at how t’ move on and any time my brother snaps at us, somethin’ he’s never done before, not like that at least. Someone has to keep this fuckin’ bunch from fallin’ apart after all-”

Kieran fell quiet as Charlie reached over the table and took his hand. It was a spontaneous reaction and Charlie already feared that she could come across as intrusive but Kieran didn’t even flinch at the gesture. He even closed his hand around hers. She squeezed it a little and a few moments later she could tell that he was starting to relax.

“I‘m sorry. Fuckin’ nerves.” he smiled.

“Couldn’t tell.” Charlie smiled back. “Relax. Breathe. You’re here for vacation. You can go back to saving your folks once you charged up.”

“I dunno, I think it takes a lot more to charge up than a few weeks away from home. Actually, I even feel like I’m running away.”

“No. It’s good you’re here. And maybe you won’t charge up right away, but you can get your mind off things for a little while. You gotta do that, y’know?”

“You think so, eh?”

“Yes, I do, and it has nothing to do with running away. You gotta take care of yourself every once in a while.” Charlie squeezed Kieran’s hand once more.

“You’re cute.”

“Well, it’s obvious that you’re not really good at taking care of yourself so I’m just trying to be the person who does it until you learn it.” Charlie cocked her head and smiled at him.

Returning the smile, Kieran brushed a strand of dark hair out of his face with his free hand. He looked at Charlie for a few more moments before he gently pulled his hand back, adjusting himself and looking around the pub. “Alright, how ‘bout we order a jug of ale, get roaring drunk and we’ll go wherever you wanna go?”

“I don’t do ‘roaring drunk’ too well.” Charlie chuckled, suddenly remembering the first and only time he had seen her in that exact state.

“Me neither. We’re already halfway there, though, and we’ll be fine, c’mon.”

“Wait, what’s that supposed to mean? I’m nowhere near roaring drunk and neither are you?”

“We could be. Anything you want, love. Let’s get our minds off things, as you put it.”

Charlie couldn’t tell what exactly caused the flutter in her stomach - the little spark in Kieran’s eyes as well as his playful smile or the term of affection. He had addressed her like that before but it meant more today than it ever had before and she felt herself all too willing to respond.

(...)

____________________ 

III. Untitled

(Orla yells at Mick for getting married in a fever.)

***

“You. WHAT?”

Orla’s outcry was followed by the distinct noise of shattering glass, causing Mick to flinch and jump back a little. He looked at the mess at his feet and then back at Orla who merely stared at him, her eyes wide, before she looked to the ground and slowly took a crouching position, proceeding to swipe the little shards together with her bare hands.

Mick could see that she was trembling and hunkered down as well. “Be careful, you’re gonna hurt yourself.” he said, but Orla merely batted Mick’s hand away as he tried to keep her from touching the glass.

“NO, don’t touch me!”

“Orla-”

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you didn’t do what I think you just said you did!” Orla’s voice cracked.

“Orla, there’s no need to freak out-”

“You can’t be married!?”

“I am, I jus' told you!”

“Oh my god.” Orla closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Still in her squatting position, she propped up her elbow on her knee, wiping her face with her hand and eventually pinching the bridge of her nose with her finger and her thumb.

Mick raised an eyebrow. “Aren’t you a bit dramatic right now?”

"Shut up!” she hissed back at him. “Don’t you dare calling me dramatic!"

“Aye, sorry, I-”

“Are you out of your mind? I mean, more than usual?!"

Mick ignored the little remark. “I don’t even know why you’re makin’ such a big deal of it-”

“Because it is a big deal! It is a Big. Fucking. Deal, Mick! You got married!” She glared at him and realised that she still had a few shards of glass in her left hand. “Ah, fuck this!” she hissed, tossed the few shards to the ground and stood up again, eventually stomping out of the room.

Mick looked after her for a few moments. Granted, he hadn’t really expected Orla to be thrilled, but he hadn’t expected her to be so furious either. Feeling a little helpless, he bit his lip, before he stood up as well and followed her into her living room. When he opened the door, he almost bumped into her. Orla swiftly turned around on the spot.

“Orla, c’mon, let’s just-”

She cut him off once more. “I don’t believe this, Mick. You come here and tell me that you just got married to this total nutcase-”

“Oi, watch it!”

“- and expect me to be, what exactly?! To be cool with it? Like it’s no big deal at all, like it’s the most natural thing ever that my best friend disappears for a weekend and comes home married, to a woman he hardly knows, without letting any of us know-”

“Orla, what the fuck is your problem?”

“You! You are my problem! For years I was the one,” - Orla pointed at herself - “who always stood up for you when anyone called you stupid or idiotic and whatnot but it’s true. They’re all right, you are an idiot and you have always been!”

Mick let out a little laugh as he now faced Orla, his eyes narrowing. “Is that all y’ have to say? That I’m an idiot?”

“Well, you must be!” Orla went on. “The only other explanation I have for this bullshit is that she must do some really amazing things in the bedroom. Does she?”

Mick let out another laugh but it wasn’t a friendly one. “Fuck this, I don’t need to justify myself.”

“No, of course you don’t. Go off, be happy, do what you want. You never cared about filling me in about this but hey, as your best friend I couldn’t be happier for you!” Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.

“How many times do I have to tell you that-”

“- that it was a spontaneous thing? Oh, don’t worry, I got that!”

“Orla-” Mick tried again after a few moments of silence, his voice soft, but Orla wasn‘t done yet.

“I mean, it is not quite what I meant when I told you a while ago that you need to work on being more spontaneous again. You could’ve started by, dunno, going on a road trip or buying a new couch or gettin’ Sasha a friend but hey, why not marry a woman you have known for six minutes? You exceeded my expectations, congratulations!”

All of a sudden, a thought crossed Orla’s mind and as it did, her heart skipped a beat and she could feel the colour rushing from her face. “Oh dear lord. She’s pregnant, isn’t she?”

Mick now closed his eyes and groaned. “Oh god, oh my fuckin’ god.”

“Answer me!” Orla spat out.

“I dunno!” he shot back.

“Wrong answer!”

Mick groaned. “I mean, I don’t think so, no?! Even if she was, it wasn’t the reason why we did this.”

“Oh my god, I would even get that, considering how you were raised and-”

“Shut up! Just shut. up!” Mick eventually interrupted her harshly. He was done being patient. “Stop psychoanalysing me, stop buggin’ me, stop doin’ whatever y’ doin’. You insulted me in every possible way within the last ten minutes and I don’t need that shit from you, not from you!”

“Well, did you expect me to be happy for you? Like you didn’t just ruin your entire life?”

“I didn’t ruin my life and no, I didn’t expect that.” Mick replied wearily. “I dunno what I expected, I just didn’t think y’ would be that much of an arsehole about everything.”

“I am not being an arsehole-”

“You’re bein’ the worst arsehole I’ve ever known right now and I’m done talkin’ about this unless you tell me what the real problem is.”

“I don’t have a problem?”

“You most certainly do. And I wanna know what it is, goddammit.”

“You’re throwing your life away for a woman you hardly know! You keep falling for all those wacko women who are terrible for you and it’s beyond me how you fail to see that-”

“Wait, just so I get this right... you can date whomever you want, for as  long or short as you want, no matter how much of a fuckwad the guy is, but once I pick someone, I need your approval?”

“That is not what I’m saying.” Orla groaned and rolled her eyes.

“So what are y’ sayin’ then?”

Orla blinked and took a breath as she put her hands to her hips, shooting Mick a harsh look.

“Has  it ever occurred to you that you make the worst choices, Mick? That  you’re complete and utter shit at getting your damn life together? You just outdid yourself! First Leila-”

“That was different-”

“-and now Mina. Why can’t you just pick a nice and stable one for once? Why can’t you just-”

“Stay alone so I can be your last resort?”

Startled, Orla looked at Mick, her lips parted in shock.

“What did you just say?” she whispered.

“I dunno, I’m merely gettin’ the impression that you like keepin’ me on a short leash but once I go off and do my own thing-”

“You have some nerve-”

“Obviously hit a nerve.” Mick mumbled.

“You’re so full of shit! Why would I want to keep you as a last resort? What kinda fucked up thought is that even? You’re my best friend!”

“Hell yes, I am, and I wouldn’t want it any other way but right now y’ bein’ the world’s worst bitch-”

“HEY!”

“And don‘t tell me that you wouldn’t have ran off with that fuckin’ Australian if he’d asked you to.”

“Yeah, maybe, but I’m glad I didn’t. All relationships start out great, you know that, but things can blow up so quickly. Even worse, sometimes one part just runs away when nothing at all happened, just like James did.”

“Just like you did.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“You ran away from me, just like that.”

“Oh my god, why are you bringing up age old stories again?”

Mick ignored the question. “Y’know what? I don’t even care. I care about makin’ this work, I can do that all by myself and I don’ need your support anyway. How about y’ just leave me be, alright?”

____________________ 

IV. Untitled

(Declan and Lauren face some unexpected trials of life.)

***

September 2014

“What about Marshall?”

“What, like the guy from that terrible sitcom?”

“Nah, like the amplifiers. Or, y’know, like Jimi Hendrix’s middle name.”

Lauren pursed her lips as she pondered the suggestion for a few moments. She eventually shook her head. “Don’t think so, no.”

“Aw, c’mon, why not? It sounds badass.”

“But I will know that the poor baby was named after either a drug addict or a huge black... block. Thanks, I’ll pass.”

“Just think about this, though: he’ll love us for the name when he eventually becomes a guitarist?”

“We don’t even know if he’s a he, Dec. Let alone whether he becomes a guitarist.”

“Come on. ‘Course it’s gonna be a boy. I mean, “ Declan shrugged, “two brothers, two nephews? We have strong genes.”

“Dear lord, no, I really don’t wanna raise a... you.” Lauren groaned as she leaned back against the wall, struggling to find a comfortable position. She was in the eighth month of her pregnancy and some things became a little tricky - such as finding resting positions that didn’t leave her sore or in pain after ten or less minutes.

“Aw, will you ever stop pretending that you can’t stand me? I mean, we both know how that came to be?” Declan gently patted Lauren’s belly before he reached over to grab one of the pillows that were piled up next to the little cupboard that he had helped her build up earlier. “C’mon, take that. You probably shouldn’t be sitting on the floor anyway, eh?”

“Ugh, it no longer makes a difference anyway. I feel and look like a whale, everything hurts and nothing is comfortable anymore. Not ever.”

As he put the pillow behind Lauren’s back, trying to make sure that she felt at least a little more comfy, Declan grimaced. He felt pretty guilty all of a sudden. “... sorry you feel like that.”

“That, uhm, was actually the part when you were to say ‘You don’t look like a whale, Lauren!’, y’know.”

“Ah, shit.” Declan laughed. “You don’t look like a whale, Lauren!”

“You’re a horrible liar but, y’know, points for trying and such.” Lauren smiled back. “It’s alright, I’m kidding, don’t worry. Looking like a whale is kinda like my least problem these days.”

“What do you mean?”

“Okay. Can I be completely honest for a second?”

“Sure.”

Lauren took a heavy breath. “I’m freaking out, actually.”

“What? Now?”

“No, not now. I mean, yeah. Also now! All the damn time! I mean, aren’t you freaking out? Not at all?”

Declan looked at Lauren and when he pondered the question in his mind he realised that, at least right now, he was quite far from freaking out. “Not really.” he replied. “I mean, I used to, yeah?”

“I know you used to. You freaked out right in the beginning and now, with due date ‘round the corner, it’s me... I dunno. I kinda don’t want this.”

“Bit late for second thoughts, I’m afraid.”

“I know! I know how horrible that must sound to you now, oh god.”

“Nah, it doesn’t.”

“I’m just wondering how on goddamned earth I thought I could be a good parent. I mean, I took the risk of getting pregnant just so I - so we could- oh god. So what’s next? Huh? Tell me.”

“Uhm-”

“I tell you what’s next. I’m gonna put Baby on the changing table and leave the room, just like that, because hey, what’s the worst that could happen, eh?”

“Okay, what are you talking about-”

“And I sure won’t bother reading about nutrition and food?! Oh hell no, I’ll just give Baby some rubbish I find in the back of my refrigerator ‘cause, I mean, it works for me, right?!”

“Oh god, Lauren, what the fuck is that about now?”

“I am stupid, Dec! I don’t think things through, I can’t possibly be a parent!”

“So what, I’m stupid, too? Kinda played my part in this, y’know.”

“Oh my god! Yes, you are stupid! We’re both stupid!”

Declan snorted. “So let’s just hope this all maybe works out like multiplication, eh? Minus times minus equals plus?”

“We’re not at school!” Lauren moaned.

“Yeah I’m kinda grasping at straws here.” Declan admitted and bit his lip. “Honestly though, it’s what I do all the time. I just hope for the best. And somehow it works?”

“But you can’t just ‘hope for the best’ when a baby is involved?”

“Huh! Just think about all those weirdos in this world who manage to raise a kid. It somehow works? My parents raised us and they’re pretty much the worst weirdos I know.”

“Is that supposed to reassure me now?!” Lauren raised an eyebrow.

“C’mon, we really didn’t turn out all too bad! ... okay, Orla is a bit weird, I’ll give you that, but three out of four is still a good rate?”

“Oh my god!” Lauren laughed.

Declan smiled at her for a few moments before he eventually put his arm around her shoulder, scooting a little closer and pressing a kiss to her temple.

“I’m not even saying that everything will be fine, I’m just saying that it’s gonna happen, no matter what, and we just kinda... have to do this.”

“My parents offered any help I need...” Lauren murmured, resting her head on Declan’s shoulder.

(...)

September 2019

(...)

“Oh man, for how much longer are they even going to be in there?!”

“Shh. It’s all good, it’s been only five minutes.” Lauren whispered.

“I don’t understand why they have to keep doing all this, it’s not like it changes, y’know... what it is.”

“They need the x-ray to check his lymph vessels, so they can eventually figure out the best way to treat him.”

“They’re clueless.”

“They’re thorough. He’ll be fine, you know they won’t harm him.”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, you already sound like them.” Declan scoffed.

“I don’t. Unlike you, I listened to what they had to say! Stop using that tone on me already!”

“What tone?”

“Like I have no clue what you’re going through.”

Declan could hear the bitterness in Lauren’s voice and it was when he knew he had gone too far. He couldn’t let it out on her. Of all people in his life, Lauren was the one who understood exactly how he felt and she was also the one whose company he longed for most these days.

“I’m sorry. God, I- I know I’m awful. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I get it.” Lauren rested her head against his shoulder while they held each other close.

“He’s all alone in there.” Declan’s voice broke and he wiped his tired eyes with the palm of his hand. “I hate it when they take him away.”

“I know. Me too.”

“I’m freakin’ out, Lauren.”

“C’mon, let’s sit.”

“Don’t wanna sit, I want him back.”

“I know, I want the same.”

“Don’t know how it happened but I’m strangely fond of this kid.” Declan now let out a little laugh. It was a nervous laugh, one that happened because he was too scared to let out anything else at this point. Lauren knew him well enough.

“Go figure.” she replied faintly. There was silence for a few moments until Declan spoke again.

(...)

____________________

  V. Text Messages, part 1.            

Declan has created the group ‘concert shit’.

Declan has added you to the group.

Declan has changed the group image.

6:43 - Declan: Lady and Gentlemen, this is the long overdue group chat to plan our concerts and open airs. I’m sick of talking to you individually and organise shit all by myself.

6:44 - Jessie: Like you ever did that or are remotely good at that kinda stuff 😆

6:44 - Declan: Quiet Jessica.

6:44 - Jessie: No. 😂 😂 😂

6:44 - Declan: Suggestions to change the group title are not welcome btw. Concert shit is a grand name for this kind of group

6:45 - Mick: why cant we change the title

6:45 - Mick: it’s shit

6:45 - Mick: literally

6:46 - Declan: Because we can’t Michael.

6:46 - Declan: I’m the admin, I say what’s to be done.

6:46 - Mick: ya do shit man

6:46 - Mick: like I let ya tell me what to do

6:47 - Daryl: I already hate this group dynamic.

6:47 - Jessie: It’s like in real life. 😆

6:47 - Jessie: Dipso always tries to be the one who decides shit. And we just don’t let him so it’s all good? So, Clockwork Fury in Dublin? I’d be up for it!

6:48 - Daryl: When?

6:48 - Daryl: And why Dublin, why not Athlone? Aren’t they playng in Athlone this time?

6:48 - Daryl: *playing

6:48 - Declan: I didn’t even know they are touring. Found them kinda lame last time tbh.

6:49 - Mick: they ARe lame

6:49 - Mick: Im out

6:49 - Mick: road trip to dublin tho

6:49 - Mick: like 2017

6:49 - Mick: for gojira

6:49 - Mick: I WANT a noTHER ROAD RIP

6:49 - Mick: TRIP lol

6:50 - Daryl: I still have nightmares and flashbacks from that trip. How much are tickets for CF, Jess?

6:52 - Jessie: 30ish, I think. I’ll order next week, I’m definitely gonna go and I’m taking Harper.

6:53 - Daryl: You guys are serious now?

6:53 - Jessie: I dunno. Yeah? I guess? 😂

6:53 - Jessie: The woman needs some good taste in music HONESTLY. And, I mean, she agreed to come and to be open about more future concerts and planning stuff together kinda means we’re in relationship land!? I mean, is that even a good sign?

6:54 - Daryl: How would I know? I’m shit at that stuff. 😂

6:55 - Jessie: Does Patti know you’re shit at that stuff? xD

6:55 - Daryl: She’s had first hand experience for three months now so yeah, I assume she does. She kinda seems to like me enough. 😂

6:55 - Jessie: Yeah why she’s a KEEPER?! 😜

6:55 - Jessie: Told ya that if you mess it up, I will gladly take her.

6:56 - Declan: what the fuck??

6:56 - Daryl: Thanks Jess but I think I’m gonna keep her myself. :D

6:56 - Declan: last time I checked this chat was called ‘concert shit’

6:56 - Declan: NOT ‘RELATIONSHIP SHIT’

6:56 - Declan: y’all are annoying with your relationship shit.

_________________

VI. Sailor Man

March 2020. The days are getting longer, the air is getting warmer and Orla just met a handsome sailor from overseas. Her friends are very, very curious.

***

“So, who was that guy last night?”

“Can we maybe not talk about last night? I still feel horrible.” Orla sounded tired and as she rubbed her temples, she let out a faint sigh.

“Ah, sweetheart, don’t worry. You got tipsy, so what?” Rosamund waved off. “All I could complain about is that you didn’t spend your money here at my place, as usual.”

“Honestly, I don’t even know what happened.” Orla groaned. “I was at the tattoo studio, and all of a sudden this incredibly sexy guy in a sailor uniform comes in. Tall, broad, dark hair, gorgeous tan, tattooed all over, bright smile, cute dimples... and that’s when I, well. I kinda stopped thinking.”

“A sailor uniform?” Patti asked. “You’re dating a sailor?”

“We’re not dating, we have met only yesterday! He wanted to get a little tattoo that would remind him of his stay here. I think Harper noticed that I was... , well, that I was a bit into him and pointed him in my direction and I told him that I was only the apprentice but he didn’t care, he wanted the tat anyway so I did it.”

Orla looked around. Rosamund, Declan and Patti all stared expectantly at her. She frowned but eventually shrugged and went on.

“Well, we went out afterwards, we had a snack, I showed him around, he told me he was from Detroit... annnnd we hopped some bars, I got tipsy, and at some point he kissed me, and I got even more tipsy.... and then we got here and I said some really terrible things to Mick and... oh god, Mick.” Orla groaned, closing her eyes and burying her face in her hands. “I somehow need to sort that out.”

“Ah, not now, though.” Patti interfered. “A sailor, wow. I mean, is he a sailor or just some weirdo who likes dressing up as one?”

“Oh, he is a sailor, darling. Such a sailor.” Rosamund closed her eyes and smiled, still charmed by the cheer memory of the guy.

“And he’s definitely an upgrade to Pizza Pete.” Declan nodded.

“Don’t call him Pizza Pete!?” Orla snapped.

“He referred to himself as Pizza Pete?! Don’t try to cover that he was the unfunniest... blandest boyfriend you ever had.”

“It’s the way you said it. Don’t be so condescending. Pete was cute and... well, I got fifty percent off my next order after any time we, uh... we met.”

“Ugggh...” Declan wrinkled his nose and looked away.

“Fifty percent? You were screwing that guy and all you got was lousy fifty percent? What a cheapskate.” Patti exclaimed, clearly appalled.

“It’s better than nothing- what, no, I don’t wanna talk about Pete now? My head’s still spinning, y’all need to leave me suffer in silence, please.”

(...)

_____________

VII. Untitled

(I don’t even know what this was supposed to be, lol. Sean turns 53 and the family celebrates?!?!?! Also, this must be set in 2013 since Orla and Mick are a thing here, haha.)

***

“I still don’t know how y’all convinced me to celebrate my 53th birthday.” Sean O’Connell laughed. “It’s not an even number or somethin’ after all.”

“Well, we need some kind of excuse to stuff our faces and get drunk during daylight?” his daughter suggested, rasing her glass to her father. “Cheers, Da!”

“Cheers, sweetheart. Like you ever cared about that.” Sean replied and he nearly lost it at Orla’s dumbfounded expression.

“When did I ever get drunk during daylight? I don’t do that!” Orla seemed appalled.

“You did. With Ma.” Declan chimed in. “Like, two weeks ago.”

“You did what?” Next to Orla, Mick raised his eyebrow, suppressing a smile.

“Uhm no, that was just-”

Sean laughed heartily now. “No no no, no need to justify yourself, kid, that was hilarious. I loved how you two sang along to- what was it again?”

“Daaaad!” Orla moaned.

“The Moulin Rouge soundtrack! After all those years it’s still wonderful!” Sarah noted.

“Oh yeah.” Declan noted with an eyeroll. “So wonderful.”

“Glad I wasn’t around for that.” Malachy mumbled next to him.

“You should be. It was ugly. Very, very ugly.” Declan mumbled back at him. “Earshattering. Frightening.”

“Oh god, can you just stop being arseholes and-” Orla interfered but Sarah just shook her head.

“C’mon, sweetheart, it’s not our fault that all these lil’ fuckers here have no idea how to spend a good time, eh?”

Orla pursed her lips for a bit and eventually nodded. “You know what? Right you are, Ma. Y’all are just boring. We should do it again, I think. Right here. Right now.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, don’t.” Malachy spat out. “I don’t need any nightmares later.”

“You are a nightmare.” Orla shot back. When she saw that her boyfriend was still looking at her with his eyes wide in apparent confusion, she groaned. “Don’t look at me like that? I promise, I won’t burst out singing songs now.”

“Whatever,” Mick answered. “There could be worse after all.”

Malachy snorted. “Jesus Christ, congrats!” he said into Orla’s direction. “Apparently love ain’t just blind, it’s also deaf.”

“I mean, Mick, you know she can’t sing, don’t you? ‘Course you do.” Declan added.

“Ugh, c’mon, Dip, what am I supposed to say now? She’s sittin’ right next to me.”

“At least he’s not blatantly lying!” Sarah chimed in. “I like that! Very promising!”

“Y’gotta learn that, tho.” Declan said. “Relationships are all about sugarcoating and tellin’ each other weird cute-sy shit just so the other one ain’t pissed all the time.”

“Aye, I’m, uh, not gonna take that note, don’t mind me.” Mick raised an eyebrow.

“Good boy!” Sarah nodded. “You two will do just fine, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, just don’t take any tips from Declan.” Malachy added.

“Hey!” Declan protested. “I give great advice.” He turned to Mick and Orla again. “Mark my words, man, in a few years, when the two of you have three weird kids and are miserable all the time, you’ll be longing for my piece of advice.”

“No one is having weird kids!” Sarah chimed in. “Hopefully.” she added quietly, but still loud enough that both Mick and Orla now shared a startled look.

(...)

__________________

.... that’s it, I guess. Sanne out. :’D

[yasminsqueendom]

Antique the Vamp Geek Pt1 Ep12

CW: The usual (stress, anxiety,anger)

A/N: Another good old Q and A

W/C: 1994

So hey, I feel like I’ve gotten away from my original purpose here. Y’all have been extremely supportive in the messages that you have sent me regarding the content of my last few episodes, but I really want to hear from y’all. 

I have had the opportunity to let you guys send me recorded questions. And I have to say, I really love hearing your voices. Y’all sound so cute to me. But, anyway, I have your questions, and I will answer them as I always have.  

Here’s the first one from @errbody.mad3: Hey, Tique! I have to say, I love listening to your show. I think that everything you do and say is amazing. There have been times that I wanted to give up, but you have kept me going with your sass, and strength. How do you do it? But, also, how are you? Just in general.

Hey, love. With beautiful people like you in the world, things can’t be so bad, right? Thank you, kindly, for listening to my crazy ass. And thank you for existing. You don’t know what it means to me to know that with everything that been happening, people like you keep pulling through and sticking it out with me.

Umm, I’m alive I guess. There is definitely a lot more going on than I have the ability to say here. Just know that I am surviving. There are some legal things that I have to deal with between me and my family (my parents in particular). I can't speak to my younger siblings at all. All communications have pretty much ceased. Outside of that, I don't have much to say. 

Oh yeah, and my parents have begun a campaign to get my show off the air. So there's that.

Ok, next question from @tko.winna876: I remember you said way back in the first show that not everybody becomes a vampire when they come in contact with the virus. Can you elaborate on that?

So…..when I was turned I did A LOT of research about what this was. There wasn't a whole lot of info at the time, but one thing was clear: everyone didn't turn. After some thought, I suppose it makes sense. If everyone turned at first contact there would be no more uninfected humans. But, I became curious about people who didn't turn. Apparently, the virus can still hide inside of an “uninfected” person for a period of time. The immune system can fight it. However, if that person becomes ill, and their immune system is compromised, the virus could become active. On average, out of 100 samples, this “reactivation” happened less than once. Similarly, with pregnant women, the chances of their babies becoming vamps were even smaller than reactivation. 

Oddly enough, white people are slightly more susceptible to the virus. But people of color still tend to contract it at higher rates. 

And then there is the population of people that just die. It is a slow and painful death. You end up bleeding out of various orifices and severely dehydrating. 

Then, obviously, there is the population that turns. Your kidneys are basically failing and you can't make new platelets, so you need to consume blood. What manner of sorcery manages to get it out of your guts and into your bloodstream is beyond my understanding. 

Most of the people who turn end up dying anyway. 

The ones that survive can live really long lives. But we aren't exactly immortal. Due to our bodies being repeatedly rejuvenated by consuming blood, we age a lot slower. Quality of blood also affects this. Drinking from alcoholics, or people with certain chronic illnesses can have negative effects on us. We may even experience a high from a drug addict depending on how recently they have used. 

The younger the blood, the better. But I am morally opposed to drinking from anyone younger than me. Just putting that out there.

So, yeah. That's what I know so far. You are always welcome to peruse the website for more info if you like. And there are several forums where older, more experienced vamps will discuss and give advice and survival tips.

Alright, I have a question from @subwaykid312: Will you ever have a guest on your show? Like actually there having a conversation with you?

Ummm, it’s an idea I have been playing with for a while now. I do want to have people come in and visit. Safety is a priority for me though, so I’m always sceptical of people wanting to meet me. Also, I would never want someone to come in if they don’t feel comfortable discussing things on the air. My ultimate goal would be to have an experienced vamp come on the show to talk about their experiences and share resources. And,, I would want to hear their thoughts on government involvement the treatment of our kind. I know that a few more experienced vamps follow my show, and I certainly want to extend an invitation to anyone who would want to participate. 

Here is another question from @lei.lei716: Hey Tique! It’s been awhile since you talked about sex and vampirism. Do you have any other advice about safe ways that we can be intimate with our partners?

Actually, yes. It’s something that has been weighing on my mind for some time. I really enjoyed a lot of the feedback I got on the practicing safe sex. Particularly, when you are infected with a contagious virus that may alter your partner’s life permanently, or kill them painfully.

I think that you should be patient. I definitely will get more in depth with safe sex, intimacy, and all that in another show. Also, just hygiene and upkeep in general seem like a good idea to discuss. Vampirism isn’t all that magical shit you see in movies. Your body still does weird things. 

Okay, one more question from @esthea.312: I remember you talked about getting punched in the face back in Ep 4. I got into a fight with another vamp, and they punched me in the face. And...um… one of my fangs fell out. I’m more than a little concerned with this. I know uninfected adults don’t grow another set of teeth. Do we get new teeth, since we got fangs?

So, this is a really good question. Yes, our teeth did grow and strengthen when we were turned. But we did not grow another set of teeth. If that were the case, then our old teeth would have been sitting on our pillows, and the tooth fairy would have left us a bag of blood as a gift. So, sadly, you will not grow another fang. However, there are some dentists that are progressive enough that they will be happy to create a new one for you. Hell, you could be like Beyonce with “diamond fangs” in your mouth. But, it will cost you a pretty penny. If you can afford it, go awf. Otherwise, try to only take photos from your cute side. 

Which actually reminds me of another situation. I’ve heard that there are some vamps that have their fangs replaced by flatter teeth. It makes them feel safer, and it’s easier to assimilate. Honestly, I have considered getting the surgery done since I don’t bite for sustenance. Then, I realized that people are always uncomfortable with my appearance. Being a big black girl with super short hair, people always feel the need to stare or offer their opinions about my health. So, there is that. At least now, they back away from me rather than trying to get closer.

Ok, one last question from @drea.ds.saint12: Do you have/know of any vamps that have dental issues? Our immune systems are stronger than the uninfected because sanguinilis kicks our systems into overdrive so that it doesn’t have to share us with other illnesses. Our teeth (and bones in general) strengthen a lot when we turn, but I have seen some vamps with rotting teeth. How is that possible?

Well, upkeep is still important. We are still susceptible to bacterial infections and such that can eat away at us. Fungi, and things like that, can still settle in us. The biggest difference between us and the uninfected are that we heal quickly. So, we can still contract infections, but our bodies fight them off faster. 

I know that wasn’t the best explanation, but think of it this way: If we develop an infection, the bacteria/fungus can live on us or in us, but the moment it starts to hinder our ability to function, sanguinilis kicks in and beats it’s ass. That means that, yes, our teeth can rot and we can get rashes and such, but they end up being minor inconveniences. 

Other viruses aren’t tolerated at all. It wants us to survive for a long as possible, and when that isn’t possible, it makes us infect others. It’s vain, but it isn’t stingy. It loves to share.

Alright! So that’s it for the Q and A session, but I did have other updates for y’all as far as our local government is concerned. 

Apparently, there is a vote in the works. The city council is trying to decide if underage vamps should be allowed to attend schools. Now, shortly after the discovery that vampirism was real, there was a push to test everyone who worked/attended schools where the students were under the age of 18. Fortunately, the vast majority (and I mean like 99.99%) of students under the age of 18, and their teachers came up as negative for sanguinilis. In fact, the largest population of infected people came up in the laborers that clean and cook in schools (at less than 3% infected). 

So, at the very worst case scenario, 97% of people who work in educational spaces that taught children under the age of 18 were uninfected. Keep in mind that “infected” in this case means that they were carrying the virus, but weren’t necessarily a vampire. That percentage was less than 1%. And those few cases were all night janitors who never actually came into contact with students. 

But, that was all it took to get parents up in arms. And understandably so, considering the alternative possibility that someone might end up taking a bite out of your child while they learn the alphabet. 

The “vamp ban” as it was termed tried to encompass college campuses as well. But, there is way too much money that goes into have college students around. And private institutions fought against letting the government make that decision for them. All the lobbying and city hall shout fests are what led to things like the testing they are doing on campus here. 

The vote will take place next Tuesday. So, however you feel about vamps existing, get into the ears of your representatives, and let them know exactly how you feel. 

Other updates: I got my results back from the nurse’s office. My results were exactly what you would expect. They came with a strong recommendation that this school may not be the best one for me. But, so far, they can’t legally expel me. It doesn’t matter anyway. I already made the moves I needed to make to ensure that I won’t have to still be there come next fall semester. 

So, fuck this school.

Lastly, I keep getting all these random threats, and all I can say to y’all is this: the more lives I save by speaking about our issues, the better I feel. And you can shove an entire bag of dicks right down your throat. I literally don’t care what you have to say about anything I do.

Ok, so that is it for today. 

I love you all endlessly. Please stay moisturized and hydrated. 

Look out for one another,

Love Tique.

[ralfstrashcan]

3x13 Reaction / Commentary

Yeah I'm aware, stop judging X___X

I feel the need to point this out. Apparently it's common practice for the Praetor to just, kill off their more troublesome charges. Interesting. But Jordan has a different work ethic which is a) apparently not usual for praetors and b) something at least Nick attributes to his past and not, idk, common decency. Just how savage is the Praetor exactly?? (Also let me add this to the list of things why 3x15 makes no sense at all.)

Okay, so they found another mundane dead by Heidi's hand...... why exactly don't they call the Shadowhunters? Aren't they obliged to? I mean?

True, but it sure as hell is her responsibility how she handles them. But we established already that she has a serious perception problem and always sees herself as the victim.

I mean, prime example, if she could have made that smooth exit through the vent where the werewolves couldn't follow, why didn't she just do that from the start instead of attacking Nick? Because she wants to cause trouble and not just “live her life in peace” as she's pretending to.

More like, he didn't have the guts to face Alec like that. Also does that mean he draped Izzy on the couch like that in that cliché sleeping pose with one hand under the head? At least he took off her boots like a sane person.

“I'm just drained.”

Haha it seems Alec isn't the only Lightwood sibling with a shitty sense of humor.

“I don't have the same preexisting condition.” “You mean my addiction?”

No, Izzy, he obviously means your fashion sense, keep up. Seriously, who wrote that stupid ass line of dialogue.

I found it pretty hilarious that Simon, Clary's literally oldest and bestest friend since kindergarten, feels the need to apologize to Izzy for taking up so much time with his Clary-reunion and blocking the path for her. The Clizzy Energy is Strong.

“Hmmmm hot hot hot Clary, please show me more.”

MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY HAHAHAHA PERFECT

Also, Morningstar.... didn't Val name his dumbass tanker ship in S1/S2 Morningstar? Guy really has it with name repetitions, first Jonathan 1 and 2, now Morningstar Ship and Morningstar Sword... I bet he named all his stuffed teddys Mr Snuffels 1, Mr Snuffels 2, Mr Snuffels 3.....

The way he delivers this line me might've as well said “Please cut out the emotional disgusting bullshit my skin is crawling already from this I can't take any more mushiness PLEASE GO AWAY.” Gotta love Alec.

MAGNUS RAGE PUNCHING THE KEYBOARD IS THE MOST RELATABLE THING I HAVE EVER SEEN

Magnus opening up about missing his magic MY HEART OH MY GOD

(Sidenote though: No wonder he got frustrated with the pretentious Shadowhunter Technology, I mean, look at it. There are only runes. Runes may be called runes, but they don't actually make up an alphabet. Why the heck is there a flexibility rune on the screen? It makes no sense.)

This whole scene (and Izzy's lipstick lol) is absolutely perfect. I love everything about it, especially Magnus and especially Izzy. I'd be really surprised if Magnus didn't find a way to get her that weird root thingy anyway, because he surely doesn't buy the “feeling a lot better now” line.

(Edit: Now thinking about it I realized two things, a) she probably didn't take him up on his offer to go to another warlock because she felt like that was unnecessarily rubbing in that he can't do it himself anymore* and b) with that line she probably meant she feels lighter already for sharing what happened and just <3<3<3<3<3)

*The only think that would have made this scene more perfect is if Izzy hadn't skimmed over his magic comment without acknowledging it in any way. Though with this thought in mind, that she rejected his offer to spare his feelings, I find myself placated.

Also I love how Magnus pretends he's going to look for pen and paper when really he's running straight to Alec to tell him all about this (and to prevent a repetition of 2x09 form happening.... and now I made myself sad again).

#effortless (Also reminds me of that post about fire message mechanics that I still owe a certain someone. Where is the time.)

HAHAHAHA

???????????? How do they know that? More importantly, does Alec know? Will he hear through the Shadow World grapevine??? So many questions.

I mean, I have sympathy for her. But like, she's too smart for me to buy that she genuinely can't see any other course of action. She just does this because it's the least effort for her, not because she's truly clueless what alternatives are there for here (aka not running around, killing mundanes, starting a fight with everyone). She just thrives on chaos.

Also “Wolves don't just attack without cause. Not in New York” ? Seems like all Institute except the NY one do a shit job since supposedly keeping peace between the Downworld factions is part of their responsibility. Yes, I am still salty about 3x15. (Also, if anyone's confused by this weird foreshadowing, I wrote notes for this reaction post while watching 3x13 when it first aired, but only got to finish it now after 3x19 aired and I can't keep my chronology-screwing bitterness to myself while finishing up the post. But mostly these are my thoughts from then.)

Yeah something tells me she's not gonna be totally uninvolved in that.

This and the fact that Russel wants to stop Bat from even leaving the Jade Wolf are the final proofs that all the werewolves actually live at the Jade Wolf and pile up in a giant snuggle pile in the kitchen at night. This is further cemented by the fact that Luke and Maia claim to have flats of their own but we never actually see them. Clearly they're both dirty liars that just wanted to mislead.

*late Jocelyn's late friend Eliot #rude #whatever

.......why the hell would Elias code that shit in Circle short hand? So other Circle members, who Jocelyn was hiding from, could easily open that super important safe? So smart! Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Luke in the Circle as well? Shouldn't he be able to read that, too?

1) Eliot is such a loser and a showoff for ostentatiously writing that J in Jocelyn 2) His hint is seriously “Don't open with brute force.” Wtf kind of hint is that man are you even real.

I'm sorry, okay, but everytime I see / hear Bellicosi I think Maxi-Cosi XD

*glares at 3x15* Will I ever tire of raging about that episode? Unlikely.

Why.....? Since he didn't have any problem 100% blaming Raphael for everything Heidi did (not unjustified, but I'm just saying he's suddenly changed his mind). I mean, if he'd said she's dangerous to him and his family that would've been another matter.

These are all runes that I don't remember seeing on the Shadowhunters' Wiki Rune Page. Please tell me more.

Jace: “Clary, you've been going nonstop since you came back. You need to take a minute.”

lol if only Jace would implement the same advice himself.

“Wow I suddeny remember I had a life before I was 10.”

German Dubbing: Yeah, the ones Consul Penhallow categorically ignored. Honestly. Who dubbs this shit. Wtf.

Listen I love everything about this scene. (Fun Fact: In the German Dubbing she says vampire addiction, not venom addiction lol as if she was addicted to vampires XD)

Alec Lightwood, best brother of the year. Btw he's been holding that title since birth. I also don't think Alec would ever judge Izzy for her addiction / look at her as if she's weak, so the fact that she thinks that says a lot about how the addiction affected her self-image.

Too bad Alec forgets this for the next few episodes and acts like a total tool in that Clave Investigation Thing, smh.

Good to know.

Haha that was witty.

Oooooh why don't they ask another warlock then? For example one who's actually always the smartest person in the room?? Who's also willing to work on this??? Just a thought tho, don't let me interrupt the Maruke Bonding. No, you know what? I hate the shipname Maruke, it's shit, so I'm calling it Luryse as it should have been called. Then again, when am I even gonna talk about that pairing? We shall see.

“Outrageous, just because people around me keep turning up dead! It's ridiculous, really, that they'd think I could have something to do with that. It's as if they're not aware this is a TV show and supporting characters die because *Moriarty Voice* THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO!”

“That what the kids call it these days when they get kicked out on their ass?” She literally says “From one exiled to another” so she clearly realized he's full of shit.

“And that's why in two episodes Imma get myself arrested by behaving like a dumbass and then chill in prison as if it's my greatest accomplishment.” Honestly Luke, so many No-s. I can't even.

“Wow I can't believe I have to see this Luryse bs up close.” Hah, now I used the right shipname and can move the f on from bashing that pairing. Sorry about that. I'm sleep deprived. That always makes me extra salty.

“When you're alpha you need to make the pack your first priority. Your personal life needs to take a back seat. And mine never did.” I applaud Luke for admitting he was a shit alpha because he didn't proritize the pack. Hindsight is 20/20.

Wow Luke so helpful <3<3<3 Just like I know and love you.

I also love how nobody questions that Heidi bit that mundane and then chilledly made a phone call at the scene of her Accords-violating crime. How frakking convenient.

But their runes aren't on the same side. Sloppy work. Also, if the illustrator obviouly takes artistic liberties, then the rune missing on the second pic doesn't have to mean anything. Maybe they just forgot to draw it. Then again this isn't even the most flimsy conclusion-making I've wittnessed on this show so I'll let it slide.

lol Jace and Jonathan are basically playing tug of war with Clary: Jonathan burning himself, Jace activating her healing rune XD

Ooooh brainless S1 Clary, how I have not missed you. Srsly now? Carve it out? That didn't work for Simon so why should it now? lol she should ask the seelie queen if she has some handy floor mosaic thingy in her courtyard to help with that.

In his defense, he moved.

It's not gonna work is what it is. Srsly how dumb are they? Why the hell does she think something so powerful can just be carved out?? Wtf.

Woooow they're using a rune removing device, color me impressed. I really thought they'd just put a scalpel to it. So, at least points for trying.

Uuuuh get some morphin, try again. I mean. But anyway.

*break up

......didn't she just break up with him because pack reasons? Where is that not a Shadow World Reason? Please explain. (Also choosing an unflattering screen cap of Simon because he annoys me? Absolutely. I am petty like that.) The easy way Simon accepts their break up really makes me wonder. If Maia hadn't said anything, would he have broken up with her? Since apparently things “changed” and they could “both” “feel” it. Honestly. He literally calls her his girlfriend at the start of the scene as if to draw attention to how ridiculous this is.

You know what, I don't even have the energy to rage about this. Their relationship was so great, they were so supportive of each other, they had great chemistry, great communication, they always stood by each other. And just because Sizzy has to be endgame there were suddenly weird-ass tension between them for no real reason – none that 3A Saia wouldn't have worked through like pros anyway – just so this break up wouldn't come out of absolutely nowhere. It's shit treatment of both their characters and their relationship and I'm just so exasperated with it all. (Also not the way to endear me to Sizzy. But at this point I feel like a broken record.)

Discount? It was free. Which I'm still finding super hard to believe by the way, that a werewolf establishment would just give out free food to vampires who don't even work there. But what do I know, right, I mean it's not like they just mentioned a few minutes ago how werewolves and vampires hate each other? Right?? Hahaha.

Wow. This actually takes the time to highlight that this break up wasn't as amicable as Simon thought. Maybe he thought that they were breaking up for human reasons, but Maia clearly feels she threw her relationship away for the pack and it's hard for her. And Simon's tirade wasn't really encouraging her to let him know that. I really appreciate that detail.

Other things I want to say: 1) I didn't like that Maia just flat out broke up with him. She should have informed him that she was going to step up for the pack and would have to prioritize that over their relationship and then leave it up to him if he wants to put up with that or not. By breaking up she made the choice for him. Her course of action is ic, I'm not critizising that, but from like, a personal stand point I don't like it. 2) Foreshadowing: Since her whole pack gets slaughtered, if that would have been the only reason to break up with Simon she coulda just gotten back together with him lol. Haha sorry I'm trash. I know.

Wow he's really dumb. He knows Heidi's brand of crazy and still he doesn't realize this was a trap. He said himself that Heidi must have done something for the Preator to be after her, and when the Praetor tells him she's been leaving copses left and right he...... takes this as his cue to ally himself with Heidi??? Wtf?????? Does he not believe what Jordan said? Again, he suspected something like that himself and since the Praetor are playing at being the Downworlder Police they wouldn't just make something like that up with no proof. The heck. I don't get you, Boss Vampire Guy.

Also, thumbs down for the Praetor, if they'd just told them their source was Heidi herself (on the phone) this could have been prevented. But, ugh. With how things are I can at least kinda buy that no working communication between vampire clan and Praetor exists.

Still, if the Praetor wants to be accepted as some kind of Shadow World Institution they should really work on their manners.

.................................................

I I don-- I can't. *sigh* I can't believe I just had to watch this with my own two eyes. Have they not been trained for a case like this? A fellow shadowhunter injured in the field? That activating the healing rune should be the first thing you do? Before lovingly prying information from the dying person?? I mean, if that's not Plot Convenience then I don't know what is. Sure, he needs to give them a snippet of info, but not too much. But please, please, couldn't writers have found a way for this that didn't make them look like the stupidest of idiots in the entire frikkin world?! Wtf. WTF. I can't believe it.

Uuuuuuh how did she know how to turn those things if all she had to work with was Don't use brute force?? Do I have to understand that?

“You brought coffee, after all.”

Look she's so ashamed she even turned away from the screen haha. Also it's so refreshing to see grown ass people approach a relationship like idiotic teens. (Yeah, that was sarcastic.)

“And right now I wanna do you.” Hahahaha sorry, too good to pass up, you can bet your ass imma turn this into a dumb comic XD

“I love you, Clary. And I'll love you until I die. And if there's a life after this I'll love you then, too.”

Okay, I wanted to roll my eyes at their love confession, but what Jace said was actually really sweet <3

Alec: All our people were accounted for at the time of the murder. Izzy: We think it was a Clave hit.

Oh couldn't have been one of the millions of Shadowhunters from another Institute? No, I'm sure Alec checked that on their neat little Shadowhunter Intranet, that all other Shadowhunters all over the workd were accounted for as well. Honestly.

Also, Maryse says “By the angel,” but in the German Dubbing she says “What the angel” which makes it seem as if Shadowhunters curse by replacing dirty words with “angel” and just... what the angel XD

Why the hell are they all so obsessed with Latin? Ugh. Exhausting hobby.

Btw lol, please rewatch that scene, the background music is weirdly reminiscent of the Stranger Things Theme hahahaha. (Also omg I'm peeking into the German dubbing and it doesn't even make SENSE hahaha what the shit.)

LOL that's like the soulmate trope but in painful XD basically the creepy incest edition XD But honestly can we appreciate what a nice hand Jonathan has with a knife and with his left hand?? Prodigy.

This is it, the final proof that they actually all live at the Jade Wolf hahahha.

...................................? Why the f is she happy to see Jordan? Last time they saw each other she clearly stated she hated him?? Do I need to understand?? Oh right. In the books Maia and Jordan get back together. Right. Stupid, why am I even surprised by this??

Wtf isn't he the clan leader? Why the hell is he acting so submissively to Heidi all of a sudden? Literally half a day ago he threw her out of his clan, knowing his place. And now he's like a puppet on her strings. Wtf. But I guess that happens when you treat characters as plot devices. They get inconsistent even if they only have two scenes. *sigh*

Awwww would you look at that, werewolves and vampires fighting with fists like mundanes. (Okay some of them had like, daggers, but where are the fangs and the claws? Honestly.)

Okay I did her injustice in my trailer reaction since this is a vamp and a legitimate fight situation.

Wow that actually surprised me. But Jordan also dies in the books so, oops. Just didn't think they'd skip the getting together.

WOW that really surprised me. I thought Maia would challenge him and they'd have an epic fight to the death or something. (Also wtf Griffin guy, what's with that creeper face.)

To be honest I find it hard to believe that Maia acts like this. Scared out of her mind, yeah sure. But she acts helpless, and she's never been that. When she got that pipe thing I thought she'd use it as a stake. Using it to block the door is smart, too, but why didn't she get another to have a stake? Her whole posture, uselessly hangig over Jordan screams damsel in distress and I don't like it at all.

Edit: I had certain fears how this plotline would be developed in 3x14 which thankfully didn't come true, but my conflicted opinion on this ending scene remains.

Anyway let’s take a moment and appreciate Maia’s Killer Boots.

BTW watched the 3x14 trailer and just.... what. Why the f would Magnus ask Lorenzo of all people for help? He can't be trusted. As if he wouldn't use that opportunity to break Magnus even further! WTF! Where's Catarina? Oh, let me guess, another Drunk Doctor Conference *epic eyeroll*

[eury--dice]

To Numb the Pain

hey here’s that Zoe angst I was talking about

generally just the trigger warnings common for DEH; suicide, anxiety, depression, alcoholism (please let me know if there’s anything else you want me to mention in a/n or tag)

please scream with me about Zoe Murphy

***

Disassociation came naturally to Zoe Murphy.

Sure, Connor had his coping methods. Growing up in their stressy, unnatural family had forced the Murphy siblings to find some escape.

Connor turned to drugs. Zoe forced herself not to care. When she started to care, she told herself, she’d lose her mind. She’d go crazy, like her mother, or shut down, like her father. Or worse, go off the deep end like Connor.

Apathy was easiest.

So she shut herself off to Connor’s downward spiral that could only end in pain. She ignored her mother’s desperate attempts to make them a normal family. She pretended she didn’t notice the stench of alchohol on her father’s breath and the bottles that emptied day after day.

That numbed the pain, a little bit.

Deep down, she knew they were bound to crash, and her walls would be forced down, and years of unwanted and acknowledged pain would come flooding in.

But that was someday, not now.

***

Zoe Murphy never cried when she was angry.

Years of arguments with Connor had forced her to control her every move. She could deliver any line, any blow, coolly and devastating, her face a mask, words and shouts deflecting off of her skin. The taunts and jeers did stick, however, though you’d never be able to tell. They sunk in, embedding in her brain, becoming a chorus of words rattling in her skull.

She didn’t acknowledge it. She didn’t let it phase her.

Even when the words made a lump stick in her throat, or tears prick her eyes, she forced them down. Deflected the course of action with a spat insult, or a screamed distraction.

Zoe wouldn’t let herself care enough to cry, because that would mean she opened herself up to the suffering of her family. If she cried, it meant she cared about them.

***

When the cops found Connor, she didn’t want to cry.

She didn’t want to.

Her mother, of course, burst into tears, throwing her arms around Zoe’s neck. Her father only clenched his jaw and looked down, a vein working on is forehead, hiding whatever tears were present, probably already thinking about the bottle of whiskey stashed in the drawer of his desk in his home office.

When, three days later, Evan Hansen showed up at the house, fidgeting and quiet and apparently expected, she didn’t want to care about it.

But something about Evan’s arrival made her press.

Why were they friends, if Connor pushed Evan at school the day he killed himself? Why was Evan the only one to see the brother Zoe once had when he slipped into a cycle of drugs and abuse and isolation?

Her façade remained for the entirety of dinner, while her mother cried and father was there without being there, not really, and Evan’s words sunk into her ears and forced their way into her brain.

In her room, she couldn’t distract the memories swirling in her brain of a brother who hugged her instead of trying to punch her, told her he loved her instead of trying to kill her, who brought light and humor instead of anxiety and pain.

She didn’t cry for the Connor who died by his own hand, too cowardly to talk to his own sister, who apparently had held his life in the balance and fumbled it. She cried for the Connor who had died six years before when the bright eyed boy was filled with demons that wouldn’t cease. Filled with grief for the two ghosts now by her side, she only mourned the Connor that Evan brought back that day.

And so did he.

***

Zoe Murphy found herself caring , for the first time in too long, because of Evan Hansen.

Because Connor had cared. Connor had cared, and so she could try to care, too.

As the news of Evan’s speech sent shockwaves around the Internet, Zoe watched the impact. She let the words play around in her head, knocking and bumping and thoroughly making her care.

Connor had cared. Evan cares.

For once, she didn’t need to remove herself.

So she kissed Evan, wanting to be fully present, because for once another’s presence didn’t make her want to shrink away or pretend. He was the only one she let herself be fully present, fully real with.

And they became Zoe and Evan.

She was his and he was hers with every joke and laugh and kiss. They were them in every hug and tear and smile. And when he had an anxiety attack, which was never as often as before, she knew when to press him and when to give him space and how to best de-escalate the situation. And when she needed someone to listen to her rant or cry about nothing with or talk about her problems with, he was there and listening. And when they were together, he was present, and she was present, and they were present and they were Zoe and Evan and it was strange but it was beautiful and it just felt right, somehow, even though he was anxious and cared too much and she was bold and cared too little, because they were fighting the past and the future and the present together, and they knew that all they needed was the other at their side.

***

They were Zoe and Evan.

They were Zoe and Evan.

They were Zoe and Evan.

Disassociation came naturally to Zoe Murphy, but as Evan Hansen stood in front of their dining room table, crying and spouting out words that only half registered in her mind, still reeling over the things she had just read about strangers inviting the internet to abuse her openly like Connor had already done, she couldn’t bring herself to stop being present, because they were Zoe and Evan and she could always care when they were Zoe and Evan, right? She could open up and be present and vulnerable and open to her pain and take on the world because they were Zoe and Evan, two halves of a whole, utterly present and real and the only place she was truly Zoe and he was truly Evan-

And then tears were pricking her eyes, and everything Evan had told them was a lie, none of it was true, it was all built on lies, Zoe and Evan was a lie-

Because with Zoe and Evan she was in the moment, and alive, and happy, but how can you be happy when you aren’t really there? How, Evan? How could they be whole if one half wasn’t supporting the other? How could he feel that same security and love she had when he wasn’t there, not really? Not in the way he’s supposed to have been.

And then she can’t take it, because the security of Zoe and Evan is gone, and her years of holding it all back are rushing in, and it’s not just Evan that’s making tears flood her eyes. And she was rushing away because if she doesn’t, she might just stay rooted in that feeling of despair forever, Evan’s watery, beautiful eyes drilling into hers, landing blow after blow to her heart.

Zoe Murphy never cried when she was angry, because she wouldn’t allow herself to care about anything. But the memory of the first I love you filled her brain halfway up the stairs to her room and stopped her dead in her tracks, a sob escaping her body as she finally gave in and turned to sit on a stair, her socked feet one stair below hers, knees drawn to her chest. It had slipped out of his mouth only two days before, after the disaster known as the dinner with Evan’s mom and her parents, and he was so sweet and nervous but less than fourty-eight hours later it’s all- and she had said it back-

Nestled somewhere in the back of her mind, Zoe realized that wasn’t the first time. Not really the first time, for him anyway. Because when he told her all that stuff Connor knew- he- that was him saying it. Not passing along a message from her brother. Sending his own.

And so, y’know, I think he had a lot of trouble saying that he- that he, um... that he uh, loved you guys. Especially- especially when it was you? He didn’t know, er, didn’t know how to say “I love you” since you two were, um, you were a-a million worlds apart, you know? He didn’t know where to start.

And then he had kissed her.

Was that the start of everything? Was that when she began to pull herself back into the present? Was that when she began to feel her heart beat faster when he came over, ignoring the way her stomach flipped?

Was that when she began wanting to feel again?

***

Zoe Murphy never cried when she was angry, or frustrated, or sad, and never in front of anyone else. But, when she saw him avoiding her gaze at school the next day as he hurried out of the cafeteria, head hung, she decided to follow him.

Her quick footsteps echoed in the hallway as she stepped into it, trailing a few steps behind Evan. Her eyes boring a hole in the back of his head, she could see his shoulders tense.

That was how they had been. They could feel each other’s presence, so comfortable with each other that it felt natural to feel the other one come up behind them.

As Evan slowly turned around to face her, Zoe felt pressure building in her eyes, her throat constricting. The part of her brain that had allowed for her to detach herself from any situation had been out of use for too long and refused to let her stop caring, to force the tears down.

It was harder to look into his eyes than she thought. There was his side and her side, snapping together in that second, sharing more than either would like to admit to in that moment.

Because even though she felt a pang of regret and anger and hurt in her gut as their eyes met, she also knew for certain in that moment that she loved him.

And she knew that he loved her, too.

But she could also tell, in his gaze, that there was something broken in there. Broken by his own mistakes, almost not wanting to see her because it felt so right but now it was wrong-

She wasn’t even sure if she’d be able to do this, whatever this was.

Zoe Murphy never cried when she was angry. Her mask was a perfectly sculpted picture of anger, her face sharp, her words sharper. That was because she didn’t care-couldn’t care.

Now, standing in the stock still hallway, too-bright fluorescent lights shining down on the previously known Zoe and Evan, Zoe Murphy realized that when it came to Evan Hansen, she knew that she would always care, care too much, even, no matter how little she wanted to.

That kind of caring required honesty, and even though he didn’t give it to her, Zoe gave Evan the truth.

And so she told him everything.

She told him how Connor had really been, how he was once the boy he had conjured up in his stories and writings but ultimately was abusive and destructive to her and her family. She told him how she began to cope with her life, forcing herself to numb the truth and be removed entirely. She told him how she never wanted to let down her walls, but he forced them down, made her begin to care and feel and be alive.

She told him how she had cried when he brought Connor back to her, because for the first time in so long, she felt like her life wasn’t falling to pieces and something old was new again. She told him how she had felt broken inside, and how he had fixed that, but now she didn’t know whether or not she was broken again.

Even though Zoe Murphy never cried when she was angry, tears welled in her eyes and spilled over and her voice cracked and shook and wavered all over the place as her breathing quickened and palms shook. But she continued anyway, even when her words became choked with sobs and she could barely see, but they never broke eye contact and she could tell he was crying, too, and it hurt her that she made him cry but this was his fault, not hers.

As she finished, sobs and tears slowing, they looked at each other, two broken people, once two halves of a whole, now two sides of the same coin. And even though it hurt, when they looked into each other’s eyes, they knew that it would be okay, someday.

Not today. Not tomorrow. But if the other could still stand after the torrent of tears, so could they.

The bell rang, jolting them out of their trance. Tears still drying on her face, Zoe Murphy turned and walked away from Evan Hansen, because even though she knew someday it would be okay, it sure didn’t feel that way then, when her heart twisted every time she could feel his eyes on her.

Someday it would be okay.

She only hoped that wasn’t another one of his lies.

***

Disassociation had come naturally to Zoe Murphy. It didn’t anymore.

[loki-hargreeves]

Loki Imagine, Illusions - Chapter 1

(prologue)

Your P.O.V.

It was finally time to move out of the nest. After 23 long years of living at home, I would become more independent and get my own place. It was bittersweet. I would miss being at home but I would also love to start my own life. The reason I would finally move away was my new job. I had graduated with good papers and it helped me to get the job place. I would work as a personal assistant at a nearby office.The pay would also be good and hopefully, I could get promoted quickly.  A lot of emotions were mixed inside me.

''Hey! Geroge help me!'' I yelled at my big brother. There was a lot of stuff I had to pack and I wouldn't do it all by myself. I heard footsteps approaching and that's how I knew he was coming. ''What's up?'' He asked me and jumped over a cardboard box. George had dark brown hair in a man-bun and his eyes were blue. He was quite the charm, which was annoying at times. He was always super popular in school and he had a lot of friends and girls around him because he played football, as I was the strange quiet girl who read books all alone. I had only dated once and the guy was a total asshole who tried to get in my pants. Luckily George had my back if anyone ever bullied me. Not many knew about this but once George found out about my ex, he got into a fight with him. Not that I support violence but that time was rightful.

''Could you please help me pack? The moving car is here soon and I can't possibly get everything in these boxes alone'' I pouted at him and hoped he could help. ''Sure'' He smiled, happy to help. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Our parents stood there with concerned looks on their faces. ''Y/N, we should talk'' My mom Alishia said quietly, almost sadly. It worried me immediately. ''George, you should come too'' Our dad Jonathan said to my brother. We shared concerned looks as we walked out of my bedroom.

Our parents led us to the kitchen where we sat around the roundtable. By now, my heart was beating hard against my chest. Was someone sick? Had someone died? I looked into my mother's glossy blue eyes. ''We know this isn't the perfect moment to tell you this but we felt like we had to do this'' She sighed and then grabbed my hands. I glanced at my brother who looked like he realised what was going on. It just filled me with fear.

''What's wrong, mom?'' I whispered, suddenly feeling small. Dad gulped and grabbed my hand as well. I wasn't sure what was going on but tears stung my eyes. ''Just remember that we love you endlessly and this won't change anything'' Dad spoke up and looked me straight in the eye. I had a small hunch of where this was going. It made my gut twist because I didn't want to hear it. I really didn't want to hear anything.

''Y/N, you're..you're adopted'' My mother was the one to spill the truth. Those words changed everything. The air around me felt cold and goosebumps covered my skin. I could feel how my heart dropped in my chest and everything felt unreal. I was speechless and that shock made me angry. It's like I couldn't melt those words into my brain.

I was adopted.

Adopted!

''Y/N, are you okay?'' George asked me, breaking the awkward silence. My head snapped to look at him and I pulled my hands away from my parents, or whatever I could call them. Then I stood up and let the chair fall on the floor. I was furious!

''Are you fucking kidding me?'' I screamed at George and then groaned, wanting to smash everything. By now my blood was boiling in my veins. ''You're telling me this now? The day I'm moving out!'' I yelled at my parents, not caring about the tears that were cornered in their eyes. I was so mad that I didn't even acknowledge my own hot tears that ruined my make-up.

''I can't believe you'' I whispered and then sniffled. My body started quivering and I had to lean against the blue wall so I wouldn't fall on the floor. ''We're sorry, dear. We didn't want to tell you when you were younger because we didn't think it was important-'' Mom began explaining herself. It made me feel heartbroken and angry at the same time.

''Not important?'' I chuckled and wiped away my tears. ''I'm 23 years old. I have lived 23 years believing I was your daughter. You could've just told me earlier! I'm moving out today. Do you think I want to call you anytime soon? Maybe it's just good that you told me so I can have a damn break of you all'' I spat rudely and then made my way back to my bedroom. As I reached it, I slammed the door shut and fell down to my knees on the cold floor. A shiver ran down my spine, feeling like someone dragged the tip of a knife along my skin.

That's when my anger faded and it got replaced by a painful sorrow. I buried my face into my hands and began to sob uncontrollably, getting a heavy feeling in my chest. Breathing was hard and I sounded like I had been stabbed. I punched the floor and then started screaming out curse words, feeling hatred against my family. This was the worst thing they could've said to me today.

Someone opened the door and suddenly I felt a warm hand on my back. I turned around and clenched my jaw as I saw George. He looked sorry. ''D-did you know?'' I stuttered and swallowed my tears. Guilt washed across his face as he nodded. I pushed him away from me and stood up. ''I fucking hate you right now'' I told him with poison in my voice.

''Y/N, please listen to me! Our parents are devastated'' He tried to speak some sense to me. I wasn't in the mood for any of it. Instead, I felt like spilling each and every word of anger I had. ''Your parents, George. Your parents'' I let out a sarcastic laugh and walked back to my bed where I had stuff I needed to pack. Then I started placing them in the bag, continuing what I had done a few minutes ago.

''Y/N they are your parents. They raised you'' He reminded me a little angrily. I just shook my head no, too overwhelmed to say something. ''I'm still your brother'' He let me know. Of course, it was sad but I didn't want to show them I was okay with this. No, it was wrong to tell me now. ''Fuck you, George. I'm moving out and I need some space. Don't call me or visit me. I'll let you know when I'm ready to see you lying idiots again'' I informed him as casually as I could but my voice cracked and fresh tears washed away the old ones.

He didn't reply. Instead, he sighed and started to pack my things. The tension in the room was anxious and I felt like I had to escape. Luckily, my ride was on the way and I would soon be in my own space, in the centre of New York City, a few miles away from here.

Around ten minutes later the silence was broken once again. My mum was the one to speak up. She got next to me and she placed her hand on my cheek, wiping away my tears. ''Darling could we please talk?'' She begged me with a small voice. I let go of the white shirt I was holding and then I faced her harshly. ''Sure'' I sighed, sitting at the edge of my bed. She sat next to me and grabbed my hand once again.

''I'll tell you everything you want to know'' She offered kindly. Of course, I had a million questions in my head. But the most evident one was bothering me. ''Who are my real parents?'' I wanted to know. It made George freeze and he looked at me strangely. Mom and George changed looks which was a little annoying. It made sense now why George was always the great kid, the one they were so proud of.

''Twenty-three years ago a woman was walking her dog in the forest. The dog had picked up your scent and found you in the middle of nowhere all by yourself'' Mom began to tell me my true story. My eyes widened by her words. So I had been abandoned?

''She took you to the police. They tried truly hard to search for your real parents but with no luck. It's like you had appeared out of nowhere. The police officer who was in charge of your case knew us. It was Mr Brown, you probably remember him'' Mom told me and offered me a smile. I just nodded. Mr Brown was dad's friend.

''We had tried to get a sibling for George for a long time but then we found out we couldn't get any more children. We decided to adopt and Mr.Brown helped us so we could have you'' She told me sweetly and squeezed my hand. By now I was crying again, letting my tears roll down quietly. ''You were just a baby. You fit in perfectly, just like you would've been ours biologically. No matter what, you're our daughter. Your biological parents were probably druggies according to the police. No one leaves a baby in the forest like that'' She spoke quietly. I just nodded as all this information sunk into my head.

''I just need to process all of this'' I whispered and then looked around my room. My life felt like a lie but I tried hard to stay calm. ''We understand, honey'' Mom reassured me softly. Then I stood up and cleared my throat. ''I have to pack'' I told her coldly. Mom nodded and walked out of my room, allowing me to handle things on my own.

***

It was evening and I was in my new apartment. It was in a huge block of flats, on the ninth floor. Luckily, there was a big elevator here so it was easy to move in. The apartment wasn't that big but it was great for me. The entire living room wall was a window, giving me a beautiful view of the city. I had two bedrooms, a master bedroom with a walk-in closet and a smaller one I would use as an office. I had one bathroom, a tiny laundry room and of course a kitchen. The kitchen was lovely with a kitchen island as well. All of that fit inside this apartment and I couldn't be happier. I had even thought of getting a pet.

It wasn't as great as I had imagined yet because I hadn't unpacked. I only had a bed set up in my bedroom. Since this day had been insane, I didn't have the energy to unpack anyway. So I sat on the bed for two and grabbed my phone, deciding to read the daily news. I didn't want to be alone with anything else to think about. Right now, I was sure I'd lose my mind if I began to think about the fact I was adopted.

As I scrolled down the boring news, something more interesting caught my eye. 'Thor is back!' was the headline so I clicked on it. I had been so excited the last time Thor was on earth. I had always been interested in history and mythologies. Once Thor came, it proved that there was life out of this planet and ever since I had been so into Norse mythology. I had rented books from the library and read everything I could, learning a lot in the process.

'Thor has been spotted recently with people like Tony Stark. Nobody knows what the Asgardian man wants but it wakes curiosity and even fear in people. Is earth in danger? Or is he here to see his human friends?' The article was quite short. It was more than enough for me. At least I got something exciting to think about. I scrolled down and saw some poorly taken pictures. But there he was. It looked like they were in the Stark tower.  Too bad it was a blurry photo.

Tomorrow I would visit the library and rent books about Norse mythology. Maybe there was an answer there? That night, I went to bed and luckily thought of something else than the devastating truth of my roots. Although I thought about Thor and Iron Man, I couldn't help but to wonder, who am I?

    The next morning I woke up to the beeping of my phone. I groaned and turned it off, annoyed that my sweet dreams had been interrupted. My body felt weak and I was still tired but I had to get up. Thank God it was Sunday, which meant I had a free day. Work didn't start until Tuesday. I forced myself out of bed and for a little moment, I didn't remember what I had learnt yesterday.

As I made my way to the bathroom and I unpacked a box where I had my toothbrush, the truth hit me. It felt like a cut with salt in it. I inhaled a shaky breath and then cleared my throat. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and my thoughts got the best of me. I didn't look that much like the rest of my family. My eyes were really different. Theirs were duller and smaller. My hair had always been different than theirs. It grew quickly and it was stronger and thicker. I was also different. The rest of my family seemed social and happy.

I was different than most people I knew. I didn't care about the newest phones, the best clothes and the hot gossiping. My passion belonged to books, myths and unexplained science. It all began to make sense now.

I brushed my teeth quickly and decided to unpack some things, beginning with my bathroom. I put the soft towels in the white cabinet in the corner. Then I put the grey laundry basket next to it. I unpacked my soaps and placed them in their rightful places. Slowly, the bathroom felt warmer and more like home. I smiled happily as I was finished here. One room less to decorate.

As I had eaten breakfast and done my makeup, I opened a bag so I could get changed. I threw my oversized white shirt on the floor and got dressed in casual clothes; black jeans, white socks and a green sweater. It was autumn and a little cold outside. Today I had promised myself to think of happy things so I wouldn't fall into a dark hole again. How couldn't I be excited? Thor was here again!

I put on my brown boots and my black jacket so I wouldn't freeze. Just perfectly I grabbed my purse and left my apartment, heading straight to the library. As I got outside, I heard the city sounds of cars honking, people talking and the traffic lights beeping. I put a smile on my face as I began walking the familiar route to my favourite library. It was full of books and old reports.

As I walked, I saw a cafe in the corner. Coffee sounded great so I decided to stop by. I walked inside the building that smelled like delicious coffee and fresh buns. It was a cosy place with a few people. I got in line and looked at the menu. Then my phone rang. I picked it up and replied with a casual 'Hello'.

''Hi! I just wanted to check if you're doing alright'' It was my dad. Although I was still bitter about the fact they waited so many years to tell me, I didn't hang up. ''I'm alright dad. I'm actually about to go to the library. Did you hear that Thor is here again?'' I asked him and moved forward in the line. ''What? No! Why?'' He seemed genuinely surprised and interested. ''I have no idea-'' I tried to answer but I was interrupted.

As I just stood there casually, a loud bang startled everyone. The ground shook and some even screamed. Immediately I thought it was an earthquake.

I ran to the window and looked outside although I should've sought shelter. Everyone else got under their tables. My eyes widened as I saw what caused the bang. A blue beam pointed to the sky and a hole appeared. My mouth shaped into an 'O' and I felt dumbfounded. The beam came from the stark tower. My dad tried to ask me what happened but I couldn't bring myself to answer.

Foolishly I walked outside and stared at this. Was it even real? Had I gone mad? As I stared at the hole that looked like outer space,alien-like creatures started pouring out of it. Fear took over me and I felt like the end of the world just began. My heart started beating faster and all I wanted now was my family. ''Oh my God..'' I breathed out, not knowing how I was a part of this chaos. Then I dropped my phone on the ground, not so worried about its safety at the moment. I was more worried about myself and everyone else on earth.

(Chapter 2)

[justanotherwannabeclassic]

Bloom (5/?)

Here’s another chapter of Bloom! Sorry for the delay in posting. I’ve been busy wrapping up my CSBB. But after this weekend, I will be mostly free! Once again, many thanks to @unfolded73 .  In this chapter, Regina and Snow throw Emma a shower, and Emma has a heart-to-heart with Zelena.

[Ch.1][Ch.2][Ch.3][Ch. 4]

You can also read on AO3!

Chapter 5: Daughters Her mother's farmhouse could only be described as a rainbow explosion. Multi-colored streamers hung from the ceiling, the cupcakes were iced in a variety of bright colors -- hot pinks, yellows, oranges, and blue. Snow and Regina had really outdone themselves with the baby shower. Not only were the decorations wonderful, but so was the food -- cupcakes, donuts, mini grilled cheese sandwiches -- basically everything Emma could want.

Emma only had one rule regarding the shower. Well, two. The first was not to have any weird or gross games, which Regina had thankfully backed her up on. The second rule was to avoid an over-abundance of pink. It wasn't as if she was opposed to her daughter wearing pink or dresses, she just didn't want that to be the only option for her.

So far, both of her requirements were being met.

"We're celebrating the birth of a new princess," Snow commented when Emma expressed her awe, "and most importantly, were celebrating my new granddaughter."  

"Please don't go all Jurassic Park on me and say you 'spared no expense'," Emma teased as she loaded her plate with more mini grilled cheeses. They were heavenly. "Actually, I take it back, these are fantastic. Don't spare any expense next time."

 "Next time? You and Guyliner are already talking about baby number two?" Regina asked from her station in the kitchen. She was mixing mocktails, though Emma was sure that her friend had spiked her own.

"Oh God, no. I just meant in the greater ‘next time’ sense, for whomever has a baby next. Or any birthday parties."

In fact, Emma was fairly certain she didn't want any more babies after this one. She already wasn't a fan of the toll this pregnancy was taking on her body, and she doubted it would get any easier with age. Besides, she imagined she and Killian were going to have their hands quite full soon with this one.  

Any further line of questioning was cut off as guests began to arrive. Emma had been half-convinced that her mother was going to invite the entire female population of Storybrooke, but she was pleased to see the women arriving were those she was already friendly with.

"It was watching him with Alexandra, wasn't it?" Ashley asked with a wink shortly after she arrived. "I knew those gears in your head had to have started turning when you saw how sweet he was with her."

"It may have nudged me along a tiny bit," Emma answered. Not too seriously, as she had been convinced she was going to die at the time. But the sight of Killian jovially interacting with the young girl had reminded Emma about the future they could have had, if she were not bound by fate.

The future they were sharing now.

"It's still shocking to me to see you two married," Aurora admitted, her cheeks turning pink at her confession. "I mean, it's obvious that you and the Captain both truly love one another, but I never would have considered it when you first met and he was working for Cora." 

Emma couldn't blame Aurora there. Even though Killian had made an effort to protect the princess' heart, he had also helped steal it in the first place. Besides, even though she felt a connection with Killian when they first met, she never envisioned it blooming to this.

"If it makes you feel better, neither did I," Emma assured Aurora.

"Me either," Snow added. She reached over to grab Emma's hand. "But I'm glad we all were wrong. I couldn't imagine our family without him now."

From across the room, Emma could hear Zelena mimicking a gagging noises. "You lot keep talking about how you never expected Storybrooke's golden couple to get together, and I've spent my whole time here trying to figure out why it took her so long to climb him like a tree."

"Zelena!"

"My mother is right here," Emma emphasized, waving her hands toward Snow. She just knew she was turning the color of her favorite jacket.

"What? Regina is technically your step-grandmother, and I know you've mentioned sex things around her."

"Be that as it may," Regina cut in with a severe tone, her voice all Evil Queen, "this party is to celebrate the baby, not to debate just which position made her."

"Someone kill me now." She buried her face in her hands, shaking her head as a few of her friends snickered. 

"Well how am I supposed to know what happens at these events? I never got the chance for anyone to host me one. Someone decided to speed up my pregnancy."

An awkward silence descended upon the room, and Emma felt very much like she had been punched in the gut. It was a deserved verbal gut punch, in her opinion, because what she had done as the Dark One had been cruel, but she hadn't expected it and wasn't prepared for the barb. Emma tried to think of words to say, but they died in her throat.

"Zelena, can you come into the kitchen and help me whip up some more drinks?" Regina's voice was like ice.

"Fine. But I was just stating the obvious. No need to be so touchy."

And then Zelena was gone, pulled into the kitchen to surely get scolded in some manner. Not that Emma was entirely sure she deserved it; maybe a lesson in tact, but that was probably fruitless with the Wicked Witch.

The mood at the party was still awkward. It was Belle who broke the silence, clapping her hands together, and announcing, "How about we play a game?"

Emma wasn't in the mood for games, but she acquiesced because she wasn't about to further sour the mood of the event, especially after all of the hard work everyone seemed to put into it. Granny was already glaring daggers at the doorway through which Zelena and Regina had left. Emma didn't want to make it worse.

Belle had left the room shortly after her inquiry, only to come back with a rather large stack of children's books. She handed them out at random.

"Now, Emma, prior to the game, everyone sent in their favorite children's book, or one they thought every child should have. Only we didn't tell each other the book we were bringing. So, the point of the game is to try to pair everyone with their book. I also threw in a few extra to make it more difficult," Belle explained. Well, the game wasn't gross, but it was a little on the strange side. Emma wondered if this was the type of game Belle would have wanted to the play at the shower she never had the chance to receive. "At the end of the game, you get to keep all of the books, so you'll have your own little library!"

Yes, yes it was.

Admittedly, it was a really entertaining game, and more difficult than she expected. Some were easy. Belle clearly had submitted Her Handsome Hero into the game, but the others through her for a loop. Aurora, of all people, had submitted Go the Fuck to Sleep.

"Sometimes you just feel like saying it," she explained, blushing. Emma had a feeling she wasn't normally openly crass. "And besides, it's a bit of a joke between Phillip and I with the whole sleeping curse." 

Surprisingly, there were few fairy tale stories, and none about the people they actually knew.

"Why confuse her with the wrong versions?" Snow explained with a shrug. Emma refrained from telling her that number one on Henry's "To Do" list for his younger sibling was to show her Peter Pan. 

Eventually Zelena and Regina returned, the former looking somewhat surly, but holding her tongue. Emma felt another pang of guilt, but pushed it down. Later, she told herself.

There was another round of games, the second one involving cupcakes and a hidden baby that Ashley won, before everyone gathered around Emma as she opened gifts.

Growing up, Emma rarely received any presents. Having everyone gathered around her was oddly foreign, and she tried to mask any discomfort she felt. This was everything she had wanted as a child -- a loving family and encouraging friends -- but now that she had it, she was still unsure of how to react. A small part of her, the little lost girl she doubted would ever fully disappear, still doubted she even deserved all of this attention.

"You guys really didn't have to do all of this," she said, eyeing what could only be described as a mountain of carefully wrapped gifts.

"We did," her mother insisted, placing a hand over hers and squeezing it encouragingly, "and most important of all, we wanted to."

"It's about time we had something to celebrate other than defeating the latest villain," Granny commented gruffly, causing an outbreak of laughter. "I'd much rather have my catering services go toward you rather than another 'we didn't die today' party."

"And since you were the one who did a lot of the almost-dying to save us, it's the least we could do," Ashley added sincerely.

Emma felt tears welling, ones she couldn't solely attribute to pregnancy hormones. Even if she totally was going to anyway. Willing them down, she laughed uneasily. "Well, if that's the case..."

Gifts were soon passed over to her, and Emma opened them with care. She was surprised when she opened a rather large gift from Belle. She had been expecting books, but instead it was full of tiny pirate-themed baby items -- onesies with anchors and skulls and crossbones, pirate socks and bobs, and --

"Is this a stuffed crocodile?" 

"Rumple thought it would be amusing," Belle answered with a twinkle in her eye.

"Leave it to the Dark One to have a strange sense of humor," Zelena commented, as Regina did her best to hide a snigger. "Though you might want to check to see if it's cursed." 

"He would not curse it!"

"I'm sure he wouldn't curse a stuffed animal," Regina said, casting a significant look to Emma that said yes, she would be checking for curses, even if she wouldn’t admit to doing so in front of Belle.

Emma set the crocodile to the side. She would leave it to Regina to figure out if it was safe, though she doubted Gold would be cruel enough to curse a her child's stuffed toy. But Emma had learned to err on the side of caution. (And even if it wasn't cursed, she doubted Killian would want the thing anywhere near their kid.)

She gasped when she opened a gift from Granny, a knitted blanket not dissimilar to her own.

"It's beautiful," she said. She clutched it closely to her chest. "Really, thank you."

"It's my honor," Granny replied, and much to Emma's surprise, it appeared that the older woman was dabbing her own eyes with a napkin.

Eventually Emma came to the end of the pile of gifts. At some point, Regina had magicked in a lovely rocking chair as a present, telling Emma how Henry had loved being rocked to sleep. Though Emma had muddy, fake memories of Henry's infancy, she appreciated Regina's explanation and pulled her into a tight hug.

"Thank you," she whispered in her friend's ear, not sure if she meant more for the gift or the way she raised their son.

The party dissolved into idle chatter and snacking after that. Granny had catered a lot of food, and no one was willing to let it go to waste. Especially Emma, who was helping herself to her third plate of an assortment of mini grilled cheeses, cookies, and vegetables. Adding vegetables made things healthier, right? As Emma was trying to decide if she could get away with eating another cupcake, she overheard Regina telling a story of Henry’s first attempt at changing baby Robyn’s diaper -- a memory that never failed to make Henry turn bright red -- Emma realized that she hadn’t seen Zelena since they finished with gifts. She glanced around the room, and sure enough, Zelena was missing.

Another wave of guilt crested over Emma, and leaving her cupcake forgotten, she decided to seek out the Wicked Witch. Emma knew how it felt to see others get what she never had. And since she was more or less the root cause of Zelena’s shortened pregnancy, she felt an obligation to apologize to the other woman, or at the very least attempt to make her feel comfortable.

Emma found Zelena on the back deck, leaning against the wooden railing with a glass of amber liquid in her hand.

“Hey,” Emma greeted. She felt somewhat awkward approaching Zelena. They weren’t exactly friends, but they weren’t just acquaintances either. Emma walked to stand next to her, and tapped her hands against the wood. “Is is bad how much I miss drinking booze? I have no idea what that says about me.”

“It says you are exceptionally terrible at small talk,” Zelena replied with a bitter laugh. “Shouldn’t you be inside celebrating? All of those people are here for you, you know.”

“I think they can deal without me for a few minutes,” Emma said. She took a deep breath before continuing, “Listen, Zelena, I want to apologize for everything I did while I was the Dark One, and how it affected you and Robyn.” 

“Feeling guilty, are we?” Zelena asked. She took a long sip of her drink. “It’s no matter. It’s not like you lot would have done anything for me or her then. I would have been locked in the prison until delivery.”

While that was probably true and honestly deserved at the time, Emma thought this was neither the time nor place to bring it up. Instead, she went with the other truth, “It doesn’t make what I did right.” 

“No, it really doesn’t.” Zelena looked down at her drink, and swirled the remaining liquid. “It’s a little bit strange, isn’t it, how many terrible things we’ve all done to one another. We both know each other’s sins. Regina cursed this entire town. Your husband nearly killed Belle, and her husband’s fucked over us all more than once. And here we all are together, celebrating a new baby.”

“I think that’s called being a family.” That sounded like something her mother would say, and it felt right in a weird sort of way. They weren’t a traditional family by any sort of definition, but Emma had grown to love how her family wasn’t exactly cookie-cutter.

“God, what a mess we are.”

“Yeah, but it’s our mess.”

“It makes you wonder what we brought our children into,” Zelena muttered before finishing her drink. She laughed before saying, “Apologies. I was warned not to make things too dark today.”

“You’re not wrong, though. And sometimes the truth is pretty dark and twisty,” Emma mused, thinking back to her fears when she first discovered the pregnancy. They hadn’t abated completely, and she doubted they ever would. “But I take comfort in the fact that I’m bringing her into a family that would raise hell to keep her safe.”

“Literally, in some cases.” 

“We’d do the same for Robyn, you know. She’s one of us,” Emma replied, to which Zelena gave he smile. “Honestly, I’m grateful for Robyn.”

“Everyone should be grateful for her. She’s a gift. But why say that now?”

Emma gestured to her stomach. “Her.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” Emma replied, not sure how to articulate her feelings on the subject. “I never really had a family growing up, and I was even worse at making friends. I had Lily, I guess, and it was great, but even that fell apart. And, I dunno, I’m not saying that they have to be friends, I mean I want them to be, but I like that there will be another girl there who understands this mess of a family. God, I’m not saying this right--”

Zelena cut her off. “I’m glad Robyn has a family too, as strange as it is. And, you know, another girl to hang around. I’m already sure those boys will be handfuls.”

“And our girls won’t?” 

“True. I’ll honestly be a little disappointed if she doesn’t turn out a tiny bit wicked.”

“I was a thief and Killian’s a pirate. I think being a hellraiser is in this kid’s blood,” Emma said as she placed her hand lovingly on her stomach. A part of her was already dreading the teenage years.

“I pity the fool who tries to stand in either of our girls’ ways,” Zelena commented, completely oblivious to her reference. Emma had to bite down a laugh. Now was not the time to point out a missed pop culture reference, especially now that things between her and Zelena were slightly on the mend.

“Speaking of standing in people’s way, the last I checked, there were a ton of cupcakes left over. What do you say we go back to the party, and get them before they’re gone?”

“That is a terrible segue,” Zelena said. Despite her comment, she shrugged, and headed to the door. “I need more whiskey anyway.”

When they reentered the house, true to form, Zelena made a beeline for the kitchen and her mother’s stock of alcohol. Regina cast Emma a concerned look, stopping her before she could forge her own path to the dessert table. “Did she say anything to you? I told her--”

“Relax, it’s fine,” Emma assured her friend. “In fact, I think we bonded.”

“You bonded with my sister?” Regina couldn’t keep the skepticism out of her voice.

“Hey, I’ve always heard babies have a weird way of bringing people together. This is another example of that,” Emma replied with a smile. Turning her attention away from Regina, she said, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m growing a baby, and need a cupcake.”

And get a cupcake, Emma did. As Emma surveyed the party, from the food Granny provided, to her mother talking animatedly to Ashley and Aurora, to Regina watching the room like a hawk, to even Zelena with her whiskey now laughing with Belle, she felt thankful for the family her daughter was being born into, and the community she was inheriting. And as cheesy as it sounded, that truly was the best gift possible.

[sebuntease]

Discoveries. (Jihoon Smut)

This was definitely not how you wanted your weekend to be.

When you agreed to spend the weekends with your boyfriend, you were looking forward to some alone time, night cuddles, cute dates, or maybe a romantic dinner out, but that obviously wouldn’t be the case when your significant other was brooding in jealousy.

It was never your intention to ‘flirt’ with his fellow member, in all honesty, the only reason why you seemed unexpectedly ‘close’ all of a sudden was only because you were asking for help, but he seemed to think otherwise.

“Which one should I wear for tonight?” Your towel-clad figure asked your sulking boyfriend who sat on the edge of the bed, face totally un-amused as he seemed completely engrossed in his phone, in each hand you held a dress, the two of them in different styles. One was an off-shoulder red dress that cut off mid-thigh, and the other was a cream maxi dress that he got you on your birthday last year. His eyes never left his gadget, you slightly frown at his attitude.

“Why don’t you ask Jun, I’m sure he’d love to help.” He answered in a bored tone; you narrowed your eyes in annoyance.

“Why would I ask him? He’s not my boyfriend, you are.” You replied with an edge, he fake-chuckled.

“Oh, for a minute there I thought you forgot.” You noticed his fingers were now tapping furiously against the screen, still not making eye contact with you. You just stay silent, honestly tired of trying. What’s the use of talking to him if he wasn’t going to listen anyway.

“I’ll wear the red one then.” You smile, masking your annoyance; you were normally patient with him when it came to stuff like this yet you felt extremely bothered by it for some reason. But when you uttered those words, he lets out a scoff, you raise your eyebrows in question.

“So you could seduce every man in the restaurant?” You glared at him furiously, taking a deep breath in and out, carefully channeling your emotions. “Good, you go do that.” He finished.

And here you thought you two were going to have a peaceful dinner, but it seems like that wasn’t the case considering how bratty he was being, which also surprised you, what got his panties in a twist.

You take a few steps towards him, running your hands through his hair lovingly in a calming way, but when he slapped your hand away, an irritated frown etched on his face, you couldn’t help but feel greatly hurt at the gesture.

“You know what? Let’s not go out for dinner anymore.” You say, throwing the dresses back in the closet, as you take quick strides to tuck yourself in bed. It was only then his head had snapped towards you looking at you incredulously, as if he was asking ‘are you serious?’. You weren’t surprised why, he was already dressed and ready, he was only waiting for you, and then you suddenly had to call it off, who wouldn’t be pissed?

“What?” he says in disbelief, you only ignore him and shut your eyes, blocking out his voice.

“Y/N, we are going.” He strictly announced, you roll your eyes in response.

“Go by yourself.” You mutter, hiding yourself fully under the soft comforter which was not even a few seconds later, ripped from your frame. You shivered at the sudden chills that crept up your slightly damp body, your towel threatened to fall off as you flinch in surprise, at the edge of the bed stood your boyfriend, the blanket in his hands as he stared at you with sharp eyes. He was definitely on the shorter side, yet he seemed so tall and mighty at that moment, but the intimidation you were feeling was being dampened by your extreme annoyance towards him.

“Jihoon, what the fuck.” You cursed sharply, you could see his eyes twitch at your raised voice; he didn’t like the tone you were using. You ignore his stares, and you crawl to the edge of the bed begrudgingly just to grab the soft sheet of heaven (quite roughly) out of his hands and to resume in your original position.

“Y/N, I’m already fucking dressed.” He swore, “You’re being a baby.” He mutters, running his hands through his styled-hair which now turned messy, messily-hot. But dismissing those unnecessary thoughts, you scoff in phony amazement.

“Me?” You looked around the room almost animatedly, “I’m being a baby?” You point to yourself in disbelief, “Whose the baby here?” Your tone was now slightly raising as you continued on with your words, “You’re the one who is getting all jealous, thinking that I’m hitting it off with your band member, behind your fucking back.”   He stiffens in his spot upon hearing the word ‘jealous’, he felt something inside him tick.

“Why? Aren’t you?” He spat, you glare at him, furiously.

“I don’t even know where you’re getting all these fucking ideas!” You flail your arms in the air, feeling completely hopeless, he is so fucking stubborn. “This is why I don’t want to go to dinner with you, if all we’re going to do is fight then-”

“Oh, so you want to go for dinner with him instead? Is that what you want?” You refrained yourself from face-palming at how difficult he was fucking being. You could only look at him in disbelief as you only sat there quietly, debating whether or not you were just going to leave, because if you don’t, soon enough, you’ll probably say things you don’t mean.

“I bet that’s what you want, because everything’s better when Jun’s here.” He mimicked your voice, in a voice that was obviously far from yours just to mock you.

You try to calm yourself down, speaking once again in a calm tone.

“Jihoon, listen.” You breathed, “For a minute, can you just please calm down and let me-” “No.” He snapped back, you raised your eyebrow in question, now you just really feel like slapping him.

“You’re fucking cheating on me.” He growled, your eyes stung, you bit your lip, biting back a comeback, your heart hurts. When he saw the salty tears brimming in your eyes, he felt like he just got punched in the gut. How could he even think of something like that?

You looked so hurt, so sad, and it was all because of him. His face slightly dropped, and he moved to take a step closer.

But you couldn’t possibly blame him, right? He knew that you and Jun were really good friends, considering you knew Jun long before Jihoon ever did. Jun was the person who introduced you to him, he could never forget the first day you two had first met.

“Jun!” Jihoon stared curiously and shocked at the sight in front of him, a figure clung on to his band mate’s frame in a warm and tight hug, “It’s been so long, what have you been doing nowadays, huh?” Jihoon felt his breath hitch, the moment he laid his eyes on you, he knew, you were dangerous.

Just the sound of your voice gave him shivers, it seemed too pure for anything, the way you moved with grace, even if you were just standing it seemed like the most prettiest thing ever, your eyes, god your eyes. They shined so bright, it’s like you held all the stars in them, and your smile. Fuck, you looked so beautiful, and shit did he sound like a fucking sap.

Just looking from afar, he felt like he was glued in place, it was like time stopped. It seemed cliché but when is love never cliché? He felt heavy, his heart was hammering in his chest, his palms grew sweaty, but the second your eyes landed on him, it was like he forgot how to breathe.

“Woozi-ya, this is Y/N.” Jun introduced you to him, but even though he was standing there right beside you, his only focus was on you. You smile, and bowed.

He’s cute, you thought.

“Hello.” You greet, oh my fucking-, Jihoon mentally cursed. He ended up just staring at you like a deer in headlights, you giggle at his state. Jun chuckled beside you, as if it wasn’t anything new.

“He’s not really used to girls, he’s never dated.” Jihoon wanted to slap Jun silly, sending a small glare to his friend, the humiliation. But you only look at him in disbelief, “Really?” Jihoon gulped as he stared at you, those innocent eyes. He wanted to get to know you.

“You’d think a handsome guy like him would be taken already.” You give him a small smirk, and from there he just, lost it.

Yep, she’s dangerous.

But now he just wasn’t so sure anymore, he thought he could keep quiet about it and not let things like that bother him. But, it was just really suspicious. You and him and been dating for quite a while now, almost half a year and ever since you’d started, the skin ship lessened between you and Jun. But it was totally understandable, you were in a relationship now, you two know your limits very well, but the two of you had never developed any kind of feelings other than friendship. You both have gone through so much together in the years when you’d grow up together but, the two of you, together? You really couldn’t see it, you both treated each other like siblings, and the two of you had already talked about it once, when you two were curious about dating in the early years. But it just seemed so weird and awkward. So, you two decided to leave it at that. It was like dating your sibling, so no thanks.

But these days, he’d been noticing you and Jun would have secret escapades together. It didn’t happen only once, but more than three times, he didn’t think bad about it at first but you two would then share whispers amongst each other, and when he’d ask what it was about, you two would just exchange knowing looks. He didn’t pry and force you to tell him, since it was most likely probably an inside joke between you two, but he just really got suspicious when he saw you and Jun one night, in the kitchen, at midnight, giggling and talking, and what was it about?

Jihoon’s feet groggily padded against the wooden floors, feeling a bit chilly, the lights were off and he was blindly making his way to the kitchen, he had just woken up from a deep sleep when he suddenly felt thirsty, and he had to take care of his throat for his singing. The halls slowly gained light as he noticed that the kitchen light was on at the end of the hall, and he heard small thumps and faint conversation. But again, he didn’t think of it much because it could’ve been Mingyu or the maknae, maybe grabbing some midnight snacks.

As he neared the destination he saw you, he grinned to himself sleepily and tip-toed his way to surprise you, but he felt his feet stop when he saw that you weren’t alone. You were with Jun, huh. Your back faced him, and he could barely hear your conversation because you were talking in such hush tones. Why would the two of you still be up? He couldn’t help but wonder what you two were talking about, he knew it was bad to eavesdrop but he was starting to get suspicious, and he wanted to know whether or not his suspicions are correct.

“….try it?” A Jun’s voice faintly rang in his ears. He saw you run your hands through your hair almost stressfully, and Jun’s eyes were completely focused on you. “…hot girlfriend… he’ll be gone..”

“..he’s so.. I don’t know what to do anymore.. call this over..” Over? Jihoon’s face contorted into one of confusion. He could only hear parts, fucking hell, he wanted to hear the whole thing. What did you mean, ‘when it’s over’?

A million thoughts ran through his head, he felt his chest tighten, are you going to call it off with him? Are you going to break up with him? Were you cheating on him??

No, you couldn’t be. He trusts you.

“…I won’t… break up.. after this?” What? He tried to inch closer and hear more, but he felt his heart ache when he saw Jun embracing you, his fucking girlfriend, in a tight hug. He couldn’t bear to watch anymore, so he quietly made his way back to his room with a troubled mind, followed by a sleepless night.

 Fuck, now you were just starting to question everything. What did you ever do wrong? You could never ever in your whole life cheat on Lee Jihoon, because he’d never deserve it. He was the most faithful, loyal, passionate and just perfect person you’ve ever met. You didn’t know why he was being like this, you didn’t think that he’d ever even speak to you like this, sure you were used to his playfully snide remarks but, right now.

It seemed like he doesn’t trust you, and it hurts.

“Jihoon, why don’t you trust me?” You say in a faint whisper, head hung low, just staring at the dull ground.

“Because you keep on doing things that make me suspicious!” He raised his voice at you, you loudly scoff at his statement.

“You’re the one who is thinking bad of everything we do! What, I can’t hang out with my best friend anymore?” You fired back, scrambling to get off the bed.

“Well it seems like you’re doing more than just ‘hanging out’, I wouldn’t be surprised if you two were actually fucking behind my back.” You roll your eyes ignoring his statement, you really had to go, your tongue was itching to say something really mean, you were pissed beyond words. Just as you stood up to leave, he noticed you were about to make a run for it, so before you could, he grabs you by your waist and drags you back to the bed. But you struggle under his grip, the towel loosened because of how much you squirmed, your legs hanging by the edge, your damp hair against the sheets as he hovered above you.

“I’m not done talking, Y/N.” He grunts, holding you down. You pause momentarily and glare at him sharply.

“Well, I am.” You spat, he looks at you, dumbfounded at your choice of words, he wasn’t sure what you meant by it, and he so deeply wished that it wasn’t what he was thinking about.

“If you have nothing good to say to my fucking face then I am done with you, Lee Jihoon.”  You say completely serious, with no hesitation present in your voice as you stared straight into his eyes. You felt his hold on you loosen, his eyes slightly widened actually feeling scared by your words, just hearing them come out from your mouth, he couldn’t explain what he was feeling, but never in his life had he’d ever have been so afraid, afraid of losing you.

He wanted to know something, you could just tell. His eyes spoke for themselves as they searched through yours for any hints of trickery, but there was none. He seemed hesitant, he didn’t know what you’d answer to his question, but even more so, he was scared, utterly terrified on what your answer would be.

“Did you ever cheat on me with Jun?” He asked in a soft whisper, as if the words were being forced out. You only maintain eye contact, not flinching, and it scared him even more.

“No.” You say strongly.

“Why would you even think that,” You answered, “I’d never cheat on you, Jun is one of your best friends too,” you sigh, “How could you even think of something like that?” You finished softly, trying to make him listen to your words, trying to get it into his brain and actually stay there. He looks at you with deep compassion, smiling, yet it seemed so sad.

“How could I not think of something like that when I see my girlfriend and my best friend, fucking hugging each other in the middle of the night, alone together in the kitchen, talking about who knows what.” His voice cracked at the end, tearing his gaze away from you, you stare at him confused for a good few seconds before a look of realization crossed your features at his confession.

So that’s what he’s been so pissed about?

“Oh, Jihoon.” You coo, lifting his chin up to look at your face. You stared at him deeply, eyes full of love. So he was bothered all this time. “You are so adorable.” You say the last line in almost inaudible, He looks at you shocked, bearing the most adorable face you’ve ever seen.

“I won’t deny the fact that I’ve been meeting up with Junhui recently,” You trailed off looking up at him with your big eyes, he then only took this time to take you all in, he had completely forgotten you were only in a towel, and how it had already exposed a lot for him to see, but just enough to tease his eyes. Because of the way he hovered above you, he had quite an amazing view. Your eyes were glossy, your face was tinted red because of your previous struggling, and the smell of your shampoo lingered around his nostrils. You looked heavenly. But nonetheless, he just listened. But he couldn’t help the surge of warmth starting to invade his stomach, and lower.

“But I’m not meeting him like that.” His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, but he seemed almost hesitant to say something, “But…I heard you.” Jihoon confessed.

You tilt your head in confusion, “Heard me what?” You ask silly, he felt his head start heating up upon remembering the conversation you and Junhui had that night.

Call this over..

The words just kept replaying in his mind over and over again, the words that he was so shocked, so confused to hear, and the situation you and his best friend was in seemed a bit too coincidental.

“I eavesdropped on you two,” Jihoon states shamelessly, you give him a disapproving look which he just ignored, “Jihoon, that’s really rude-”

“Well, fuck Y/N, what would you expect me to do? Walk away when you two were alone in the kitchen, in the middle of the goddamn night, I’m sorry but I still don’t know if I can trust Jun. I was already being suspicious of you two.” He says exasperatedly, you only stared in silence, because you just, didn’t know what to say.

“If you want to break up,” He sighed not knowing if he could handle the words he wanted to say next, the words bitterly leaving his mouth. Your eyes widen in surprise, you cut him off almost immediately before he could continue speaking.

“No.” Your tone raised, “God no, Jihoon.” You didn’t know if you had hearing problems already, “What the fuck are you on about? Breaking up with you would never be an option, that would be the last thing I’d ever want to happen.” You say, voice cracking at just the thought of Jihoon not being yours anymore.

“Then why did you say ‘when it’s over’?” he asked, you look at him confused, again. You pondered for a moment, trying to remember when you had ever said you wanted to call it off. But, you couldn’t remember anything of the sort, because you never said it, not even once have even thought about it.

What?

“But,” he paused, “Didn’t you want to break up?”

“What?” was all you could say, why do you get the feeling the two of you aren’t understanding each other, judging by the look on your face, it seemed like you just heard the most bizarre thing ever. He couldn’t help but feel relieved.

Am I wrong? He thought.

“Where did you get the idea I wanted to break up with you? I thought you heard our conversation?” The questions just started to drizzle out of your mouth, he straightened his back, face blank and he sat atop of you, his weight starting to crush you down.

And then he realized, great Jihoon, just great. He had to refrain himself from face-palming so hard. Because he didn’t.

He didn’t hear the whole thing, rather, only parts of it. And it seemed like his assumptions, were way off the radar. You prop yourself on your elbows, waiting for his answer.

“I did..” he answered quietly, seeming to have lost the huge air of confidence around him. “But not everything.” Your shoulders visibly slumped down, looking at him puzzled. When his words sunk in, as fast as it went, your face was fuming with anger. You almost swore at him, but you held it in and struggled under his weight, wanting so desperately to just get him off you and, just, maybe get some goddamn air, because shit was he heavy.

But at this moment, he just wanted to punch himself for acting like a dick when he was wrong all along. He felt stupid, which was a daily thing ever since he started living with you because you just drove him crazy, the effect you had on him was simply astounding. He kept just enough weight on you to stop you from leaving, now with an apologetic look on his face, he holds you down. But you weren’t having any of it.

“Get off me.” You growled, prying him off of you, you seemed harsh but you felt your lower body going numb, he was a grown man for christ’s sake.

“Y/N.” He coos, “I’m sorry baby, I wasn’t thinki-”

“Don’t ‘I’m sorry baby’ me.” You spat, looking at him fiercely with those breathtaking eyes. “You’re unbelievable.”

“I said I’m sorry.” Jihoon whined, pouting. “So now you’re sorry?” You sneered.

“Okay fine, that was such a dick move.” He mutters under his breath, thinking about how childish he was being just a few moments before. “But what were you guys talking about?” You tried to hold back a blush at his question, remembering why you had suddenly started being discreet with him.

Jihoon on the other hand, was beyond curious, it just really rubbed him the wrong way. You didn’t really have to meet up with Jun so discreetly just to talk, there were certainly more things Jun knew more than him about you, it was no surprise if you two had just suddenly move to a corner and started talking about god knows what, you’d do it in front of him, even, Jihoon wouldn’t stick his nose where it didn’t belong but you made sure he was aware, but recently it was like you absolutely didn’t want him to know.

But this whole misunderstanding had a reason.

And that reason, well honestly, you didn’t know if it was valid enough.

It all started the day Seventeen came back from a schedule, you faintly remembered it was a Friday and that they would definitely be having a day off the next day, something that the two of you would always look forward to. Everything continued like the usual, the usual greetings and hanging out, the usual errands you’d run for them and of course, the usual talk with your best friend, Wen Junhui.

The boy you can talk to about anything.

From Chinese home recipes to each other’s sex lives, it was weird, but all natural between you two, no awkwardness could be found, and that day, you wanted to try something new.

You love Jihoon, a lot. You two spend enough time with each other that you’re slowly becoming alike. But Jihoon was a strong man of words and knows what he wants, in relationships, personal life, family, his career and sex, really. And you really wanted to try something new in the latter department.

Not saying he sucked in bed, you couldn’t even think of a time you weren’t fucked out and blissed by him, he had great stamina, an amazing dick and boy did he know how to use it, reaching you in places you never knew existed, filling you up every single time, you had noticed how he despised condoms, he said they just didn’t feel right. So, you were always on the pill, for safety, though you would have no complaints bearing his child, just saying.

It’s also not because things were getting boring, you still both cum at the end of the day/night, but you just couldn’t help but think and wonder, what if he was the one being dominated, or maybe toys could be put to use. You were just craving for something different than the usual, but what really scared you the most was the thought, will he like it.

You’d often overhear him conversing with the boys about sex, I mean hey, they’re boys, it’s not a surprise if they talk about the latest porn, from toys to ‘have you tried anal yet?’, girls do it too. But Jihoon’s disagreement towards the topic really stood out.

“Then get her a dildo or something on her birthday, toys are fun. That’s why they’re called toys. They’re fun.” Hoshi chuckles, the boys following suit. But from where you stood, which was just a few feet away from where they sat in the living room. You didn’t have to worry about being caught, their voices were like megaphones, loud.

Really loud.

You heard your boyfriend groan in protest, “I don’t know, it’s not really my thing.” His voice clearly echoed in your head.

That was when you found out that you couldn’t just bring up the topic, it wasn’t that easy, because you already clearly knew, he wasn’t up for it. But Jihoon being Jihoon, it was either he’d talk you out of it (which was very likely) or simply agree against his will, and you didn’t like both of those.

If only was easy as saying ‘hey, what do you think about fucking me with a fake dick, silicone or plastic?’, you’d brought up bondage before, but he just sat there in silence with a poker face plastered on his features, a big ‘NO’ written on his forehead.

And at this point you were desperate, so you decided to confide in your best friend which was also his best friend and bandmate, Jun. He was the knowledgeable one, considering he is always present in boys talk. And when you did, he was determined to help you, you had planned very thoroughly on how you could possibly get him into it, Junhui even tried to get ideas into Jihoon’s skull, but his walls were high. Nothing seemed to work, and the night you had almost given up hope, was the night you and him had met up in the kitchen.

“Well, it obviously looks like we’re not going anywhere, why is he so against it?” You angrily take a sip from your glass of wine, the liquor burning down your throat as you swallowed quickly, Junhui stood in front of you, looking like a mess considering you’d just pull him out of his covers. “I mean, how can he not like it? He hasn’t even tried it yet!” You continue to rant, Junhui sighs tiredly.

“Exactly, that’s why we need to get him to actually try it?” Junhui reminds you once again, because that was the plan from the beginning. Get him to try it. “He’s a man with a hot girlfriend, and has a functioning dick, the minute he sees you, he’ll be gone.” But his words didn’t seem to convince you.

“He’s so difficult, I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ll die from sexual frustration before we call this over.” You stare at the floor angrily, and Jun just pulls you in for a hug, a calm and comforting one.

“Don’t give up just yet, I’m trying to help the both of you, because to be honest?” He whispers in your ear almost inaudibly, and you listen. “You two are missing out on amazing sex, let me tell you that.” You chuckle muffled in his chest, he smiles when he felt you loosen up.

“I know, also Jihoon would fucking kill me if he saw us like this, you know how he feels about us being together and all.” You answer just breathing him in and enjoying his company, he was doing the same. He hums in response, “But, won’t he be disgusted or something? What if he breaks up with me after this?” Your tone grows worried, and you tense again in his grip, he rubs your back soothingly.

“He loves you too much to do that.” Junhui breaks away from the hug, and looks at you seriously. “He won’t break up with you over something like that, trust me, it’s not like him.” He confidently states, “Besides, you’ll give him quite a show, aye?” He wiggled his eyebrows silly, you break out laughing at his antics.

“If I tell you,” you trail off, hesitating, and he could see in your eyes how terrified you were.

“Just tell me goddammit!” He raised his voice, you gulped shakily underneath him.

“I just wanted,” You answer back just as loud, before collecting yourself and continuing. “To try something new.” He looks at you in disbelief.

“Try something new?” He repeats in mockery, “So you decided to try out my best friend? Because you wanted to try something new?!” He shouts furiously, his ears getting red and his tone growing sharp, you were actually afraid of him for the first time ever in your life.

“THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT.” Your voice cracked at how loud you answered back, “I just did what every person would do if they have a best friend, I seeked for advice because I had no fucking idea how the hell am I gonna talk my boyfriend into-”

“Talk me into what?” He cuts you off with gritted teeth,

“Stop cutting me off.” You bite back, “Then cut the bullshit and tell me straight, for fucks sake Y/N-”

“You think it’s easy?” You fought back,  

“You think I could just fucking walk up to you and say ‘maybe I want to try something different’ when clearly things like that aren’t your thing?”

“What ‘thing’-”

“Sex. I’m talking about sex, Jihoon.” You’re met with his shocked face mixed with hurt, he was at a loss for words on your confession.

Sex? But, why?

“Why? Don’t you like having sex with me?” He couldn’t help but feel like it was a blow to his ego, “Am I no good anymore?” He removes his grip, his voice growing weaker as he continued to question himself, and this time you were starting to panic, you definitely didn’t mean it like that.

“Sex with you is always amazing, you give me the most incredible orgasms ever.” You say proudly, letting out a dreamy sigh recalling the countless times you’d get fucked out.

“But,” you pause, and he looks down at you with a frown, “You know, maybe something different wouldn’t be so bad, but it seems like you’re not into that.” You say softly.

“And how would you know what I’m into and what I’m not?” He asked rather harshly, you give him an obvious look, “Why do you think I’ve been hanging out with Jun?” A look of realization crossed his handsome features.

That little-

“You could’ve just told me and we could’ve talked about it.” His voice dripped with sincerity, you shook your head, disagreeing.

“Jihoon, you’re not the only one whose eavesdropped, you know what you said. I heard those words very clearly.”

And you were right, he did admit it. It wasn’t his thing, at all. It never really peeked his interest nor really crossed his mind. But what really made him feel heavy, was the fact that he wasn’t able to give you the pleasure that you deserved and wanted. Not only that, but he was being selfish. He had only been paying attention to what he liked and wanted, he never really asked you for anything, he just straight out did it, and you ended up liking it. But when he recalled the memories of you hinting about it, he felt mad at himself for not being considerate, when you have been considerate all along. The fact that you had even turned to your best friend to ask for help, already showed it was bad enough.

“But I won’t force it anymore. It’s fine, as long as you know and there aren’t any misunderstandings between us.” You give him a warm smile and wrap your arms around his torso, pulling him close to you. What did he ever do to deserve someone like you? His face buried in the crook of your neck as you smelled like lavender shampoo, he hugs you tight in response, giving you a small peck on your lightly damp skin. You took this as a sign that you two made up, Jihoon turned quiet, which means he was probably reflecting on his actions and accusations.

“Do you still want to go out for dinner?” You ask softly in his ear, which sent shivers down his spine, but he wouldn’t let you know that.

“No.” he mumbles, you let out a sigh. But you were really hungry though.

“But I’m hungry.” You whine, he shakes his head, his hair tickling the tip of your nose and you let out fits of giggles.

“Hey Y/N.” His voice was muffled because he was still nuzzled in you. “Yes Jihoon?”

He stays silent for a few moments before lifting his head up to meet your eyes, he held his bottom lips between his teeth, tugging slightly as he stared down at your lips and up to your eyes, he looked so inviting, with just the way he looked at you, you could feel arousal pool between your thighs.

“On second thought, let’s go out tonight.” Your face brightened up and you almost jump in glee, you squeal in excitement as you already make your way to your closet, taking out the dress you had just thrown in earlier. He chuckles at how excited you looked, as you got ready for what it seemed to be like half an hour, which it was. When you were too preoccupied in perfecting your wing liner, he had more than enough time to rummage through your drawers and find just what he was looking for.

He held the weighty pill in his hands as he smirked to himself.

“I’m ready!” You made your way down the hall and he greets you with an eye-smile. His eyes scanned your figure effortlessly.

“You look great.” He had to bite back an sexual comment, as he re-states his plan in his head. He pulls you in for a short hug, his naughty hands reached down to grope your ass, in which you reacted to by letting out a small gasp. You look at him dumbfounded, but he only smiles like nothing happened.

“Well, ladies first.” He opens the door for you in a gentlemanly way, and you played along, giving him a small bow and resuming your steps down to his car. But as he walked behind you, his eyes were trained on the way your hips would sway from side to side, and your ass looked amazing in that dress, his hands slip in his pocket and he immediately grins as he felt the familiar bullet.

-

The car ride continued in silence, not the awkward type, but a comforting one. It was more of a glad you two finally made up kind of vibe. Jihoon’s eyes trained on the road as he would glance to the GPS in front of him from time to time to make sure he was going the right way. You scan Jihoon from your peripheral vision, he was indeed such a sight. His hair gelled up, his beautiful skin, he looked so youthful, even though he was more than a year older than you. He looked soft as hell, but he was far from it, he is unexpectedly really masculine despite his looks. You were cut off when you hear his voice disrupt you from your thoughts.

“Stare any longer and I might just melt.” He jokes, you roll your eyes playfully.

“It’s not my fault you look so hot tonight.” You give him a sly smirk in which he returned with a low chuckle. “Likewise, you look stunning in that dress,” He gives a cheeky smile, you blush at the compliment, you could never really get used to it. Because he’d rarely give any. “I can’t wait to rip it apart when we get home.” His voice turned from sweet to a low growl in 0.00001 seconds. You bit your lip as you felt his words travel down between your thighs, again.

“Jihoon, not now.” You whine, he lets out a sexy chuckle. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.” You sigh, trying to relax yourself and dismiss the inappropriate thought ghosting in your head. “You just looks so.. sexy.” You ignore his attempts to rile you up, but you stiffen in your seat when you felt him place his palm on your thigh, the heat radiating from his hands seeped through the thin fabric, and you almost hold your breath as you tensed up.

You could feel yourself get wetter by the minute, and that was what he wanted.

The car ride continues in silence, and you could definitely feel the whole vibe change, the sexual tension in the vehicle was high. His hands slowly creeped higher and higher, squeezing the flesh of your inner thigh, his touch felt like fire, it was slowly eating you up. But his eyes remain fixed on the dim road. Not long later, his hands dive under your dress, placing his hand over your clothed heat as he started rubbing slow circles on your clit, your left hand flew down to hold his wrist and the other slammed against the window loudly as you held back a moan, throwing your head back against the headrest. He smirks at how wet you were, it seeped through your panties tremendously his hands were covered already.

Perfect, he thought.

“Naughty, naughty, look at how wet you are darling.” He purrs, sliding the flimsy cloth to the side and running his fingers through your folds, you let out a whimper, your eyes fluttered close as your jaw hung in immense pleasure. “Try not to leave a stain on the seat, the boys will borrow this tomorrow.”

“Do you want them to see how much of a dirty girl you are? I bet you’d love that, won’t you baby girl?” You spread your legs even wider for him to access, but you mewl in disappointment when you feel the absence of his hand and the car pulling to a stop, checking your surroundings you realize you have already arrived at your destination.

Already?

“We’re here.” Was all he said, before gathering his things and stepping out of the car, leaving you inside. You sat there dumbfounded for a while, you didn’t know if you were going to get mad at him for leaving you hanging or being really rude for just leaving you in the car.

You marveled at the sight in front of you, fancy restaurants weren’t really your thing, but they never failed to amaze you. You’d often complain about how expensive they are, but he’d only bite back and say ‘It’s good food’. As you two walked in you didn’t look where you were going so you accidentally bump into someone, and you were met with a very nicely dressed butler-like employee, the menus were scattered on the floor and he was looking rather distraught.

You immediately apologize and kneeled down to gather the items that must have fell due to the collision, and just as you did, your dress rode up just a little for Jihoon to see the wet spot on your panties. He felt his pants tighten, but helps you up anyway, he was glad there weren’t any people behind you considering there weren’t that many people dining here at this time of the night.

“I am so sorry, sir. I wasn’t looking and-”

“Don’t worry madam, as long as you’re fine.” He assures, you look at Jihoon with a relieved smile which he returned, but your face fell when you felt his hand slither down your back and between your thighs, you flinch when something cool was met with your folds.

The employee in front of you, Simon, his name tag read, had no idea what was happening considering if you looked at things from his perspective it only looked as if Jihoon had his hand on your back, the calm expression he had gave no form of suspicion.

“Table for how many?” As soon as the question left Simon’s mouth, you felt him push something cool inside you and you let out a small squeak, slapping your hand over your mouth, Jihoon looks at you with fake worry, he straightens the dress as if nothing had happened.

“Are you okay?” Simon asks, Jihoon you fucker.

“I’m fine..” You answer weakly as you clenched around the bead-like thing that was now inside of you, scared that it might fall out. But you couldn’t help but feel amazing, because of how it filled you up, it didn’t fill you up fully, but just enough for you to be satisfied. By now, you felt really fuzzy, it was all so thrilling, you were in a public place and he dared to pull something like this.’

“Table for two, please.” Jihoon answered for you, and Simon beckoned the two of you to follow him.

He sat you two in the middle of the restaurant, an elegant ensemble met your eyes.

Jihoon pulls out a seat for you, and you gladly took it, but when you sat down you felt the bullet inside you move, you bit your lip trying to keep a straight face. When Jihoon sat in front of you, you give him a nasty glare.

“What are you tryin’ to pull?” You demand with an angry tone, opening the menu in front of you, his eyes only skimmed through the menu’s contents calmly.

“I thought you wanted to try something new?” You look up at him, with an indescribable look.

“This is a public place, Jihoon. People could find out.” You whisper-yelled worriedly, he only hums in response.

“They won’t, if you keep quiet. All you have to do is sit there and take it.” He reaches inside his shirt pocket and you look at him with raised eyebrows.

“Well, then I guess there will be no problem.” You state confidently, he only smirks at how naïve you can be. “It’s like it’s not even there anymore.”

But as soon as those words left your mouth, you felt the bullet inside you, explode with vibrations and you instinctively slam your hand on the table, very loudly which caused almost half of the restaurant to look at you. You bow your head in apology and in embarrassment.

“Good to know it works.” He waves the small remote in his hands, and your eyes almost bulge out of your eye sockets at the familiar contraption.

“Where did you get that?” You say in a weak voice, clamping your thighs together.

“Your drawer, you know, there are locks for a reason.” You flush in embarrassment, “I thought you knew better than to rummage around other people’s stuff.” You spat, looking around to see if people were being suspicious.

“Would you care for some wine?” Simon pops out of nowhere, with two different wine bottles, one in each hand, his sudden appearance made you jump in your seat, your thighs hitting the table as the silverware clunked loudly, you didn’t know whether to cover your face in embarrassment or just sit there and act like nothing happened, you earned a few stares from the people around you, but you only saw Jihoon giving them an apologetic smile.

“Is everything alright, madam?” Simon asks cautiously, you look at him with tight-smile, “Yes! Yes, everything is just fine. I’m just, very..” Your eyes dart to Jihoon and he only flips through the menu calmly, you had to hold back a glare as Simon was watching you with careful eyes. “Wine! Yes, you were asking about wine? Give me the best red wine you got.” You say in an overly-cheery tone, Simon nods and pours you some wine, you watch the red liquid fill the glass halfway, when he was about to pour some in Jihoon’s glass-

“No, it’s alright. I will not be having any wine tonight.” He explained very politely, behind that innocent facade was a demon, a fucking demon I tell you. Simon nods in reply, and leaves you two be, you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. While taking a sip from your wine, you hear Jihoon question you.

“So, what do you feel like having?” He asks nonchalantly, you look at him in disbelief. “Some nice, juicy meat to go with your wine, or perhaps, you’d like mine?” You choke on the wine painfully as tears welled up in your eyes.

“Jesus christ-” before you could even form a sentence he turns the vibrator on and you tense up in your seat, you couldn’t help but let your back arch slightly at the pleasurable vibrations, you subconsciously fist the table cloth, holding in whimpers, your eyes were threatening to flutter close, but you did all you could to keep them in.  

People might see, people might see. Someone might notice, was all that ran through your head at this moment.

“What’s it gonna be?” He smirks cockily, you swallow thickly before answering with a shaky voice, by now he could see the thick clouds of lust brewing in your eyes as they noticeably darkened. You weren’t the only one, he was starting to get excited.

“Shit.” You hiss, biting your lip as you struggled to steady your breath which was now growing frantic, he watches you in delight as he played with the remote in his hand which he held underneath the table. Sweat was starting to pool on your forehead as you visibly slumped in your seat.

“Better hurry up and decide.” Jihoon said in a sing-song voice as he noticed from his peripheral vision, Simon comes waltzing over with a notepad in-hand. His words just weren’t processing in your head as you focused on not dripping all over the expensive wood you were sitting on, and make a huge stain on your dress.

“Are you ready to order?” Simon’s warm voice asks brightly, Jihoon nods his head, but continued to let the toy buzz in your soaked heat. “So, I would like to order some appetizers first-” You tune his voice out at as he ordered what he liked, knowing it was probably some balsamic chips or wedges.

“And what about you ma’am?” Simon’s voice snaps you out of your trance, you struggled to form words, “Uh- yes, right. I would like a- a- salad. A nice,” you softly huff, “Caesar salad would be great, for now.” He jots it down swiftly in his notepad and you could feel Jihoon’s feet spread your legs apart under the table, the tip of his shoe rubbing against your heat, you shudder at the sudden gush of cool breeze against your wet folds, you were thankful it was being covered by a long cloth so they wouldn’t have any idea what was going on underneath.

“Will that be all?” He asks one more time, and Jihoon sends you a wink before turning the bullet all the way up high, you instinctively clamp your thighs together, squeezing Jihoon’s leg in the process, and he chuckles when you do. “Yes.” You breathe out. Simon excuses himself politely, you still kept a tight lock of Jihoon’s shoe clad feet, and he roughly takes it back making you whine in protest.

“Turn it off.” You plead, “Why should I? Isn’t this what you wanted?” He leans over the neatly made table, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, if others would see the situation from afar it would seem like an affectionate moment between a couple enjoying a nice dinner together, but it was far from it. A fake-pout graced its way on his face, “How does it feel to have all these people around you, I bet you’re excited, aren’t you?” He whispers sinfully, you silently gasp at his words and his hot breath fanning over you was overwhelming.

“I wonder how they’d react if they find out you have a vibrator all the way up in your tight pussy.” he pats your head mockingly as he leaned back on his chair comfortably, fingers clasped together as he watched you suffer, suffer in extreme pleasure. “Actually,” His voice brightened as he looked like a light bulb went off in his head, “I wouldn’t mind if you came, then everyone could see that beautiful erotic face of yours when you come, they’ll know how much of a good girl you are, coming for daddy.” The way the words rolled off his tongue was music to your ears, it was like you two were in a world of your own, the busy bustling of people inside the restaurant, the ring of the bells, the clanking of silverware, it all became nonexistent. And the pool between your thighs were now, without a doubt already making a stain on your dress, the chair felt sticky and you didn’t know what you were gonna tell the employees once you leave this place.

And you had no plan on coming back.

“Jihoon, please.” You sob, “I’ll come soon, please I’ll do whatever-“ you gasp as you felt your legs start to shake because of sensitivity, you were a trembling mess. You didn’t dare look up because you could already feel eyes burning holes in your skull. “Shit, shit shit.” You chant in whispers, tears welling up in your eyes because of the intense inclination driven by pleasure, the bullet continued to do it’s work, and Jihoon’s cock was throbbing. The sight of you right now, was divine.

Your chest heaved up and down erratically, your eyes were hooded and your knuckles were turning white from clutching the table cloth so hard, he could see you tremble, you were crumbling. He loved the power he had over you, and he never thought he’d love toys this much. He could actually pleasure you without people knowing, anywhere, anytime.

“Come on Y/N, why else would you have a remote-controlled vibrator hidden in your drawer, you wanted this to happen.” You shook your head to deny his statement, but it wasn’t very convincing. You glance to the side, and you could see people giving you strange looks, some worried, and some already had smirks plastered on their faces, you didn’t know how long you could bear the embarrassment anymore.

“People are staring, Jihoon.” And I’m going to die of embarrassment.

But you couldn’t stop your arousal from flowing and for some reason you feel your mouth starting to salivate, Jihoon toys with the controller, switching from high to low, your panting slowly starts to become obvious. Your toes curled inside you stilettoes as you felt an intense climax grow in your lower stomach, you weren’t going to last long, and Jihoon knew this very well since your movements start to grow erratic.

“Cum for me.” No.

You run a hand through your hair carefully before attempting to stand up, but you feel your knees grow weak, they shook uncontrollably and it caused you to fall back down on the seat, the impact causing you to choke on a moan. Jihoon narrows his eyes at your attempts.

“And where do you think you’re going, young lady?” He demands with an edge, you look at him with your clouded eyes, struggling to speak without your voice wavering. “R-Restroom.” You sigh, taking small and careful steps, clenching around the lively thing inside of you, because of how wet you were, you were scared it would just easily slip out of you.

“If you don’t stop, then I’ll take it out myself.” His eyes widen at your words, not because he was mad you so dearly wanted to get rid of the contraption inside of you, but because the image of you perched on the toilet seat, legs spread as you push the toy out of your pussy made his cock pulsate. He could imagine it now, your sopping tight little cunt, begging for him to just put it in. The lewd sounds the two of you could make, his hard dick coated by your naughty fluids, the thought alone made him lick his lips in delight. People saw you struggle to walk, and like a caring boyfriend would, he stood up from his seat and holds a supportive hand on your waist, some people ‘awwed’ some just didn’t care, he flashes you a sweet smile and your face fell at the sight of his beaming face.

“Let me help you, darling.” You did not like the sound of that.

You were so fucked.

You could just see it now, the minute you two are alone, you had no idea what he plans on doing, yet you can’t help your stomach from doing flips in anticipation, this was the only time he had been so adventurous, Jihoon is a shy person in nature, yet here he was, pulling something like this. You didn’t know if this was an apology for his earlier actions, but it seemed more like a punishment on your side.

With every step you take, you walk in silence, you heart beating out of your chest as you saw doors to the restrooms from afar. As you got closer and closer, the thrill and the fact you didn’t know what to expect had your mind a jungle. And as you take the final steps towards the ladies’ room, he pulls you in the other direction rather roughly, and you find yourself in the premises of the men’s restroom, the urinals and aquamarine walls spoke for themselves. He pulls you in a stall with him and pushes you up the stall door, you let out a whine of discomfort as air got knocked out of you.

He pulls down the toilet cover from behind him making a loud slam echo throughout the tiled room, he grabs your waist bringing your body close to him as he captures your mouth in a hungry kiss, kissing you sloppily the two of you didn’t bother going slow, it was a very needy kiss, tongues going back and forth, he holds the nape of your neck to deepen the kiss even more and without noticing, the back of your knees come in contact with the cold toilet bowl making you fall down on the lid, thus the kiss was broken.

You were stunned when he suddenly got down on his knees, gripping your thighs tightly, he spreads them apart and he groans at the sight, licking his lips in delight, he lets out a short breath, you moan at the reactions he was giving, he looked so blissed at the mere sight of your heat.

“Fuck.” He growls as he rids you of your panties impatiently. He spreads your soaked pussy lips, only to be greeted by the bright pink toy inside of you, he just stared at it amazed. Amazed at how wet it got you. Your hands creeped down, hands reaching to take it out, but when you do his face morphs into one of anger and he slaps your hand harshly, you flinch at how much it stung.

“Who said you could take it out? Did I give you permission?” He demands harshly, his voice dropping an octave as he looked at you with authority, you shook your head in reply, too intimidated to even form words.

“Did I or did I not give you permission to take it out?” He questioned more fiercely now, his words sharp, you whimper at his tone.

“No, you didn’t.” You answer hesitant, he slaps your exposed heat and you cry out response.

“Then what are you trying to do? Huh?” He taunts before pinching your clit, you squeal at the overstimulation. He roughly shoved his fingers in your heat, which made you moan loudly at the sudden penetration, he fishes for the vibrator before pulling it out for you, letting it fall on the tiled floors. When he does, you immediately feel empty, but it was later quenched when his slim fingers started plowing their way in and out of your walls. The obscene squelching of your wet juices as they dripped down your entrance and on to the seat, his fingers were knuckles deep and he hooks them upwards making you wrap your legs around him at the sudden boost of pleasure.

“Daddy decides everything.” He mumbles before rubbing his thumb on your clit while fucking you with his other hand. ”Daddy decides when you cum, Daddy is always right.” Your hands find their way to his hair, tugging at his roots and he groans at your nails digging into his scalp.

Dear lord, he’s completely gone.

“Baby girl doesn’t get to decide anything.”

“I’m sorry daddy.” You tear up, panting heavily, everything he was doing to you was just getting too much too handle. He pries your legs out of the lock it had him in as he grabs you by your thighs once again, and pulls you closer to his clothed crotch which grazed against your dripping entrance, your dress had long ridden up your waist. You looked so fucked out right now, that it only drove him to be more, rough.

He knew you loved every second of it, whenever he’d call you his baby girl and when you’d call him daddy. He loved the control he had over you, and you loved being his bitch.

“What are you?” He grinds himself against your heat and you only moan in reply to immersed in pleasure to answer properly, as he continued to give you slow but deep rocks, when you don’t answer, he slaps your tear-stained face sharply. You sniffle, and you’re met with his unpleased face.

“I asked you a question, what are you?” He repeats through gritted teeth, quickening his pace and you feel your arousal soak through his slacks.

“Daddy’s fuck toy,” You say first, weakly before mustering enough courage to answer more clearly, “I’m daddy’s fuck toy.” He breaks out in a wicked smile before kneeling down once again, shoving his fingers back inside you again, “Damn right, you are.” To dive in between your legs, nipping, sucking and licking all over, you felt your high rushing through you quick, and he felt your walls clench around his fingers.

“You’re gonna come now, aren’t you? Then, cum.” He orders before leaning down to place his forehead against yours, the sticky feeling of sweat was ignored as your lips found his capturing his in a savory kiss, you both stare into each other’s eyes. “Cum for me.” Was all he said before he hooks his finger upwards making you arch your back in pure bliss as your arousal came flooding out of you, you throw your head back, jaw slack as you began squirting all over his fingers and his pants as you emptied yourself on him. You were still in extreme bliss that you didn’t notice a pool of wetness around the tent in his pants that clearly came from you, but half came from him coming untouched, the sight of you being pleasured, would always be enough for him. It never failed to make him come to his high. As your legs shake from your now released climax, you felt your eyelids grow heavy, you felt yourself slowly be swallowed by darkness and fatigue as you now lay limp in his arms.

He tries to catch his breath as he stared at your limp figure, he gives you a loving peck on the forehead, and as he does he hears someone enter the bathroom, he quietly pulls your dress down, taking the vibrator and putting it in his pocket. He takes out his dress shirt from its tuck in to cover the stain he was sporting on his slacks, and he hurriedly take a roll of tissue from the dispenser to clean the mess you made.

“Sir?” A voice calls out, which he made out to be Simon’s.

“Yes?” He answered, unsure if he was the one being talked to, he hears Simon sigh in relief.

“I thought you had left, and I thought I was going to lose my job.” He chuckles at how casual Simon sounded, “Sorry, I just had to take care of a few things, also can I have the food to go? I don’t think we’ll be able to eat it tonight.” Jihoon explains.

“No problem sir, anything else?” Jihoon sighs before shedding his blazer off and covering it over your figure.

“Simon?” Jihoon hesitates, the waiter stays in silent. Jihoon opens the cubicle door slowly, and Simon’s eyes bulge out of its sockets when he finds your figure laying there out cold. “I think I’m going to need help, she’s a bit heavy.” His eyes dart to you then to Jihoon, back and forth. It almost looks like he was going to disagree before Jihoon had followed it up with “I’ll give you a tip-”

“Deal.” Simon doesn’t hesitate, but when he moves closer to help you up his eyes catch the bright red panties discarded on the floor.

“It looks like you’ve already had your dinner, then.” Y/N, cannot find out about this or she’ll kill me.

-

Your eyes slowly peeled open as you felt exhaustion flood your body, you sigh in anguish and move your hand to rub your tired eyes, but you couldn’t. You felt something cold on your wrists restraining them to do so, your eyes slowly adjust to the dim light the room held, you were certain it was definitely you and Jihoon’s room, considering the interior was exactly the same. Your eyes find their way to your wrists that were cuffed to the bed post and you inwardly panicked, what is going on. Then all the memories from last night came flooding back.

“I see you’re finally awake.” Your head snapped towards the direction of the oh-so very familiar voice that belonged to your significant other, Jihoon, you look at him confused and you notice you were wearing almost nothing, but a pair of cotton panties. You look at the wall clock, 10:52pm.

“Jihoon, what is going on?” You ask skeptically, he only smirks at your question.

 “That is for me to know,” He pulls out a ball gag from behind his back, and your eyes widen in surprise, oh my god. “And for you to find out.”

And the endless discoveries don’t end there.

-Admin Kate

[sarahburness]

A Mother’s Dying Message: What Matters Most Is the Love We Give

“Before someone’s tomorrow has been taken away, cherish those you love, appreciate them today.” ~Michelle C. Ustaszeski

Landlines, you remember them, phones that need to be plugged in the wall. Well, my wife and I still have one. Our parents have committed the telephone number to memory, they recognize the announcement, and they feel comfortable hearing the beep and leaving a message on the machine.

It's a simple accommodation, and we appreciate when they call.

It was 2:00am, and the house phone was ringing downstairs. My wife mumbled into her pillow, “Hewssa culn thz lay?” I understood her, but I didn't reply. She lifted her head, cleared her throat, and repeated, “Who's calling this late?”

I still didn't respond. I wasn't ignoring her. I was anxiously waiting until after the beep to hear if someone was leaving a message. And yes, someone was talking, but the words were indiscernible. I went down to replay the message.

“Hey guys, sorry so late, but…a…hope I didn't wake the kids…uhh…well…maybe you should…your mother…just…just call me back when you get this.”

It was my dad, and I knew what he was trying to say. My mother was sick, and she had been for a long time. Family gathering after family gathering had come and gone, and she always ended the celebrations with, “I’m so happy to see everyone. I’m truly thankful. I hope I’ll still be here for the next holiday.”

In response, all five of us children and our spouses would chime in, “Oh, Mom. You always say that. Stop being silly.” Truth is, she wasn't kidding. She knew her body, and lately the cancer was fighting back stronger than ever.

My wife and I often talked about what it would be like when the call came in the middle of the night, or anytime for that matter. We were trying to prepare ourselves for the inevitable. Even still, reality has a way of throwing a curveball, rarely mirroring speculation.

You never really know how you'll react, especially when something hits so close to home, to the heart.

I remember feeling like someone had punched me in the gut. My legs got weak, and I melted to the floor. I just sat there in the dining room, leaned up against the buffet table in the dark. I have no clue for how long, but enough time had passed that my wife had gotten dressed, come downstairs, and was standing before me, holding a pair of pants and a shirt in her hands.

“Alright, get up, put on your clothes, grab your shoes. I’ll drive.” How my wife always knows what's going on and what to do is beyond me. And by the way, she'd also woken our kids and gotten them ready as well.

She further instructed, “Call your father from the car and tell him we're on our way.” Wow!  Now, I know what Beyoncé means when she sings about women running the world.

After an hour drive, pulling up to my parents’ house was like arriving for New Year's Eve. The house was all lit, and there were cars in the driveway and out on the road.

The front door was unlocked and upon opening, we were smacked in the face with the aroma of coffee, very strong coffee to be precise. There were nieces and nephews downstairs, some still in pajamas, chasing my parents’ Bichon Frise. All the adults were gathered upstairs.

My mom was in the smallest bedroom in the house, just beyond the top of the staircase. And there was a specific reason. This room was made to resemble a hospital setting. It had a bed that cranked and adjusted to multiple positions, a couple monitors, and a bunch of other essentials that made me angry at the world.  

I hated her being in that room so often, and so did she.

She loved her beautiful master bedroom, though. It had a king sized bed with the coolest headboard. Shelves were built in, lighted, and she lined them with pictures of the family. And there was a comfy reading chair in the corner.

But being in the “hospital room” was not only necessary, it was psychological, especially when she felt really sick. She never wanted to associate her life before cancer with her life after getting “the c word.” So feeling horrible in her awesome bedroom was out of the question.

Anyway, the alternative bedroom barely had enough space to fit my dad, my three brothers and one sister. Spouses lined the hallway.

After slowly climbing the stairs, my wife gave me a nudge through the in-laws towards an open door. “Get in there Hun. Don't worry about me. I’m gonna check on the cousins before they kill the dog.”

Inside, a dim yellow light hardly revealed faces, and it smelled like an old corner drugstore and potpourri. My mom was sitting upright in bed and saw me standing there. She said, “Well hello. It’s my handsome son.”

While she quickly had to explain to my brothers that they were equally as handsome, I made the rounds. I gave my sister a kiss on the cheek, shook my brothers’ hands, and gave my father a strong hug.

Of all the siblings, I live the furthest away from Mom and Dad's house. So everyone had already taken the opportunity to talk with Mom directly. I was the last one, always forgotten. Haha! That's not true of course. I just owned the stereotypical insecurity of being the middle child.

As fate would have it, I was born on the fringe of two age groups. I was always too young to hang out with my older brothers, and my little brother and sister were less than a year apart. So they were practically twins and had no regard for a third wheel…well…not all the time. I like to exaggerate for sympathy.

Mom often told me that being the middle meant sometimes feeling left out, but that it developed character and independence. Then later she would remark that I was the most emotional and needy, because I was born in the middle. I think she customized her theories about the order of birth based on the situation at hand.

To continue, someone had brought a chair up from downstairs and placed it at the side of the bed. I recognized it immediately as being from the dinner table, one of the very same seats from growing up. Before I sat, I leaned down and gave Mom a hug and kiss. I then took my place, looked at her and joked, “Can I have another helping of mashed potatoes, Ma?”

There was complete silence, nothing, crickets.

The mood was much more somber, or rather serious, than I was willing to accept. My mom let me off the hook though. She rolled her eyes, smiled, and shook her head all at the same time, saying, “You did always love my mashed potatoes.” She reached for my hand, and I met her halfway.

“Honey, I’m on my fifth time saying this, so excuse me if it sounds a little rehearsed. Oh boy, why did I have so many kids?” Everyone laughed that time. “Listen. I’m proud of you, and how you’ve grown as a man and a father and a husband, and…” I stopped her midstream, literally said, “Stop!”

I’ve always been impulsive and unpredictable with my words. My sister says I lack a filter. But this time, even I didn't know what I was going to say. Was I about to ruin the last moments of my mom’s life?

There was a hush over the room and after a nervous hesitation, I began, “Mom, this can't be the end. There are so many things you didn't do.”

Voice quivering, I rambled on, “Remember, you said you always wanted to write, but you and Dad had to work to support us, and there was never time. Well guess what, I started writing, and you could too. I thought we’d share stories. And how about that trip to Italy you always dreamed of…eating your favorite spicy food…and the Sistine Chapel…?”

I felt her grip on my hand. Still I babbled on, “You didn't get a chance to live your life. There's so much you didn't accomplish.” At that moment, she squeezed the blood from my hand, then relaxed her hold. I knew to be silent. She told my brothers and sister to move in closer. She had something that needed to be heard, and she wanted to see everyone's faces.

“Listen. When I hear the word “accomplish,” I do think of my life, but not the things I haven't done. Look around this room. Look at what I’ve created. I have no disappointment, no regret. Sure I would have enjoyed writing and traveling, but they certainly wouldn't have defined who I am. I picked the greatest partner and took on the hardest job in the world.”

She took a deep breath and resumed, “Just witnessing how wonderfully you've all turned out, the bonds you’ve built, and the love you share with your own families, I am filled with a pride that only a mother could know. So please, please, don't look back on me as having a life unfulfilled. Right here, in front of me, is the greatest accomplishment of all.”

There wasn't a dry eye in the room. You could even hear sniffling coming from the hallway. My wife, who had been sitting on the top step, later told me, “Your mom was right. You are sensitive. And I love you for it.” The rest of the night was filled with stories and laughs and tears. And with the rising of the sun, Mom said goodbye.

Crazy now, looking back. I used to actually feel sorry for her. Why didn't I recall the time she taught herself algebra, just so she could help me with my homework, how she'd make warm milk with honey at 3am when I couldn't stop coughing, how she was the loudest voice in the stands when I hit a homerun, or when she crawled into bed with me on a stormy night until I fell safely asleep?

I could go on and on with amazing stories of devotion, not just for me, but for all her children. How naive I was. She was achieving her goals on a daily basis, by devotedly being Mom.

What I took away from that fateful night has become the legacy of my mother’s time on Earth, a mindset that my wife and I will pass down to our children. It’s not the places you travel, plaques on your wall, or material things you accumulate that define true accomplishment. Rather, it's the love you create, as exemplified by an amazing mom, that validates a life well lived.

About Cameron Connelly

Cameron is the creator of the blog Callemonit.com. He writes about how the behavior of others sometimes causes unwanted stress and invites readers to share their experiences. Have you considered confronting the source—calling ‘em on it? Do you need advice first? Or have you already done it? Did this eliminate unnecessary anxiety? Are you happy with your decision?

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The post A Mother’s Dying Message: What Matters Most Is the Love We Give appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/a-mothers-dying-message-what-matters-most-is-the-love-we-give/

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SPOILER ALERT: This story contains plot details from Monday night’s season 3 finale of Better Call Saul, titled “Lantern.”

The end of Better Call Saul’s third season was disturbing, chilling, sad, tragic, and shocking — in a non-electrical sense.

The season 3 capper, appropriately titled “Lantern,” served as the complicated coda for Chuck McGill (Michael McKean), Jimmy’s brother, adversary, and foil. The gifted attorney to whom we were introduced as an eccentric invalid with an allergy to electricity turned out to be the man who nixed his younger sibling’s shot at moving up from the mailroom to the partner track at his law firm. Why? Well, it’s kind of a tangled story, but the righteous older brother always did the right thing and believed it to be a cosmic injustice that the mischievous younger one still took in the lion’s share of parental affection. (Put another way, post-finale: One brother bent the rules until they broke, and the other followed the rules until he broke.) Jimmy, of course, would go on to undermine Chuck through some document forgery, and Chuck would con the con man by manipulating Jimmy into confessing to the crime in a secretly recorded conversation. Jimmy wound up with a suspended law license, but exacted revenge by exposing Chuck’s illness as a mental one, which led to the malpractice rates on HHM to skyrocket, which led Chuck’s partner Howard (Patrick Fabian) to try to nudge him into retirement, which led Chuck — who had been working dutifully toward recovery — to threaten to sue the very firm he helped build.

In “Lantern,” Chuck thought he’d checkmated Howard, but absorbed a gut-punch when Howard handed him a $3 million check. Straight from his personal funds. That’s how badly he wanted him gone. And rattled after Kim’s car accident and reassessing his relationship with his brother, Jimmy dropped by Chuck’s house to check on him and clear the air, only to find Chuck doing quite well — overhead lights in use, appliances humming, a record playing. Jimmy tried to extend an olive branch, which Chuck took from him — and tossed it right into the wood chipper, telling him, “You’ve never mattered all that much to me,” which sent his younger brother away in tears.

And soon after that, it all went to hell. Chuck, taking another pill and looking over his journal in which he had been painstakingly recording his difficult recovery, regressed to his old voltage-fearing self. He shut down all the power in the home, but when the meter still showed a trace of electricity, in an eerie sequence he tore apart the house — literally, down to the foundation — looking for the wicked cause. When he was unable to do so, he took a baseball bat to the meter. The episode ended with Chuck in a wrung-out daze, unshaven, wrapped up in his space blanket, tucked away in a disfigured house with displaced innards, numbly kicking at a gas lamp on a pile of papers on his desk. Thud… Thud… Thud. Finally, it keeled over, and as we cut to an exterior shot of the house, the living room quickly caught on fire, leaving Chuck, presumably, engulfed in flames.

RELATED: Creator breaks down Chuck’s fate in Better Call Saul finale

What exactly pushed Chuck McGill, a man possessing great intellect and jealousy, to the tragic point of self-destruction? Let’s check in with — and pay our respects to — Michael McKean.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: I’m still reeling from that ending. I did not have that awful exit for Chuck on my Better Call Saul season 3 finale bingo card. MICHAEL McKEAN: That’s good to know. Those writers are very dedicated to the game of not giving the game away, and they love it when they throw ya. Listen, I was a huge Breaking Bad fan, and the stuff you can’t see coming? Better and better. These guys are awfully good.

How long had you known Chuck’s demise by suicide was in the works, and what was that first reaction when you found out? [Series co-creator] Peter Gould said you were actually sniffing around the right area before they called. Oh, yeah. I was driving in Albuquerque and we were shooting — I don’t know exactly which episode but probably [episode 7] — and the phone rang. I was told that Vince [Gilligan, Saul co-creator] and Peter were going to call me, so I kind of figured out halfway. I answered my phone while I’m driving, and I said, “Guys, if this is the death call, let me pull over.” [Laughs.] It got a laugh from them. They were trying to be diplomatic, but it’s like, “Guys, it’s make believe anyway.” And I also knew that Chuck did not belong in Jimmy’s universe by the time he becomes Saul Goodman, so I knew that it was very possible. I didn’t know exactly how it would work, what it was to be. Nobody said it’s a suicide. When I read the script, I said, “Boy, this is really dramatic. This is really great.” So, I’m delighted to be part of anything that works.

Fans will be dissecting this episode and that final scene. What do you think drove Chuck to do it? How much of it do you attribute to his unceremonious removal from HHM — Howard was willing to pay him out personally just to have him gone — versus something in that final conversation with Jimmy, versus a weary realization that the struggle to defeat this illness is too overwhelming, even though he was making progress? I think that the events outside of his physical discomfort — sometimes it feels like the whole world is ganging up on you, and if you’re a person who has not done a lot of introspection, if you’re a person who has never really felt like he was in the wrong about anything, then it can really seem like the world is giving you the middle finger, and this is maybe one thing to do about it. But I don’t think it is the world’s most conscious suicide, frankly.

I rarely had to ask for anything in the entire three seasons because things are so clear. I’ve had to ask very, very few questions, and I didn’t question this terribly much. Well, the only thing I really wanted them to do was to have the pill bottles in the picture occasionally, because in the last meeting I have with Dr. Cruz [Clea DuVall] — the last meeting on camera anyway — she talks about the medication, and we never saw it. So I said, “Look, if you want to see me in the bed feeling the discomfort, let’s see the pill bottles.” And in the last moments, I wanted to see an empty pill bottle there.

I think that this is a man who had everything until two years ago or three years ago, and has seen it slip away, and he couldn’t really understand what was going on or why it was happening to him — why it was happening to the guy who follows all the rules. That was always one of his great conflicts with Jimmy is that Jimmy, who just sneered at the rules, seemed to be thriving — or at least he seemed to have a lot of people who thought he was great. I had people who would put it on paper that I was great because Chuck was a very good lawyer, but it’s not the same as having people really love you and trust you, and be patient with you, and believe in you. I don’t think that Chuck has ever demanded all that much patience from anyone. I thought that he carried out his duties as a lawyer with some real dispatch.

If you go back to Jimmy’s relationship with the parents, and Chuck’s relationship with the parents, you get to the core of a lot of it. A lot of it is spoken, very much more is not spoken. I always felt it. I always understood it. Bob and I talked about it a lot, And I thought it was a real relationship that we created. It was a real, interesting and understandable, adversarial relationship. So when one domino began to fall, all bets were off then, if I can mix a metaphor beyond recognition. [Laughs.] But the conflicts with HHM — there is something about [Howard saying], “Not only are we paying you off to get out of our hair, I’m going into my own pocket to do it.” There is something about the personal side of that. My business life, my law life, that is choking into nothing, and it’s being done intentionally, and it’s being done with sacrifice. So it’s not just people are saying goodbye to me; they’re going out of their way to say goodbye to me.

But I wanted the pills there to show that maybe it was one of those situations where he was saying, “Look, one pill used to do this, I’m not even due to take another one for another four hours, but I’m going to double up in an hour.” And it’s that way the pills that make you flatline, it takes your anxiety away and also adds something to a certain kind of personality. I don’t pretend to know what people who abuse drugs and wind up dead go through. There are thousands and thousands of different reasons those things happen, but I wanted to construct something in Chuck that made sense, and that last little blip of energy that is somewhere in that house — that was the itch that he couldn’t scratch. I think in his last moments he was thinking, “Okay, well if this is the way it’s going to go, this is the way it’s going to go. I’m fine with this.”

Not to put too fine of a point on it; it’s a TV show. I’m not a suicidal person. I’ve been depressed. I’ve had terrible things happen in my life but I’ve never had a terminal illness, which I would think would be one of the things that would make suicide a logical step. But to at least have a sketch of what Chuck is going through, and to really examine that — I wanted to make it as real as possible and I wanted to make it as believable as possible. Also, I’ve played some awful characters, but I’ve never had no sympathy for those characters. I’ve always understood them on some level. I don’t have to accept their values. Their values don’t have to be my values. I just have to understand them. Last year [in the play Father Comes Home From the Wars], I played a terrible, terrible, racist Civil War colonel — just one of the most despicable people on the face of the Earth who said terrible, terrible things, but with the director Jo Bonney, I was able to find a handle that I could hold. Again, no approval there, but you have to find the sympathy for the person you’re playing, no matter how despicable his acts are.

NEXT PAGE: McKean on filming the house-destroying sequence and that Jimmy-Chuck scene

20 June 2017 | 6:16 am

Dan Snierson

Source : Entertainment Weekly

>>>Click Here To View Original Press Release>>>

June 20, 2017 at 12:46PM