#anyway she went into full on attack mode and almost went through the fucking window screen

[paddington-two]

luna just had an old man 'get the fuck off my lawn' moment

[chaoslordjoe]

Bloodlines AU - Misfire

The following skit you are about to read is based on a roleplay between me and my friend @darksaiyangoku involving my BlackSun offspring, Alex Belladonna. Dialogue has been tweaked to break free of me and others’ usual transcript format.

Blake guided her daughter through a killing house constructed from a spare shack outside her family’s manor. Alex had her flintlock-esque pistol at the ready scanning the room, while Blake had Gambol Shroud aimed at their 6′o clock as they both kept scanning. 

All targets eliminated on the 1st and 2nd floors. But the clock was running as the third floor had one room left. With 50 seconds to go, they had to find it.

“Who’s taking which side, mom?” Alex inquired.

“You take the 3 on the left,” Blake answered when they stopped at the door to the target room. “I take the 3 on the right.”

“Got it, got it.” Alex replied with a nod.

Shifting Gambol Shroud into it’s kusarigama form, Blake swung it across the room being careful not to hit Alex or their her own targets. With a viscous shout, she went for the kill.

Alex peaked inside, twirling her flintlock and snapping her fingers. In it spawned an orb of ghost-fire which she quickly bounced off into the door frame and inside. But the fire didn’t burn anything up, instead it was meant to blind targets which thankfully affected neither Huntress present.

------------------------

Blake was not impressed by her kid’s stunt. Sun immediately noticed when they came back appearing irritated.

“Okay...Let’s just take some space from each other, girls.” Sun offered.

“Yeah, dad.” Alex sulked, handing Sun her pistol.

Blake sighed. “I’m gonna go see mom for a bit, honey.” She told Sun.

Before Sun could ask if training really sucked that hard, their daughter went straight to her room while Blake headed to the gardens.

Inside the tiny greenhouse, Kali was busy feeding the fish. One of her favorite activities while Ghira was off on diplomatic work. Had to kill time somehow when your spouse is a politician.

Kali greeted Blake who sulked over to the bench.

“Great...” Alex moaned from her bedroom window, shutting it and putting on her cat earbuds booting up one of her RPGs on the computer.

“Hey mom.” Blake said.

“Is everything okay, dear?” Kali asked, seeing Blake shake her head. “Would you like to talk about it?” She then offered.

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.” The assassin answered. “Training with Alex got a little...Overwhelming.”

“Overwhelming?” The grandmother questioned.

“Well, no. It’s hard to find the right words, but the way Alex is progressing has me concerned. She’s way too comfortable using magic during combat, almost to a fault. It’s lazy and frankly, irresponsible. What if she ends up attacking one of her teammates by mistake? I got lucky, I’m not sure others would.” Blake rambled.

Sun peaked in seeing his wife in her current state of Blake-y-ness. In an attempt to break the tension he offered to check on their little girl after asking if the women needed anything.

Kali replied with some of her son-in-law’s famous banana cream pie. Going to check for leftovers, Sun then turned to Blake. She requested her husband to go fix up some tea. Soon as he left, Kali offered to go talk to Alex later on. To which Blake reassured that she could handle it.

------------------------

Last she left off, the teen was fighting a loot boss. The Belladonna scion frowned, tail flicking along with her ears being drooped as she left-clicked away at the boss’ minions thinking about how upset she made her mother.

An hour after a kitchen search for leftover pie and some tea, Sun went up to Alex’s room, knocking on the door to see her in sad sack mode.

“Ale- -”

“SHIT!” Alex exclaimed, slipping out of her chair and dropping her headset on the carpet floor. “Ohh, fuck my life. Need something, dad?” She asked Sun while attempting to ensure her ears weren’t cracked.

“Yeah. How you doing, pumpkin?” Sun cooed.

“Eh. Tell you the truth, I feel like I really screwed things up with mom.” Alex answered.

“How much did you hear?” Sun continued.

“Enough to know that my training is probably on hold.” She bitterly answered.

“You’re not in trouble, honey.” Sun corrected her. “Otherwise you probably wouldn’t be farming this boss here. Also, Fire Resistance affix. Just saying.” He then joked.

“I tried using the best fire gem I got.” She shrugged. “Anyway, I’m guessing mom wants to talk?” The girl asked.

“Well, you grandmother does.” Sun replied.

Immediately getting the memo, the young sorceress gave her father a thankful kiss on the cheek going downstairs to join Kali in the gardens.

------------------------

Seeing that the tea was ready as she poured herself a cup, Kali smiled at her granddaughter who was awkwardly staring at the floor, ears flattened.

“You wanted to see me, granny?” She asked.

“I did. Come here, sweetie.” Kali insisted, patting a seat.

While the matriarch swirled her tea, Alex’s ears seemed to flatten further expecting a scolding. Kali wasn’t always the fun grandparent, after all.

“I think mom’s angry.” The younger cat began.

“She’s not angry. Just concerned.” Kali corrected.

Shaking her head, Alex muttered something. “I can handle my Magic. I’m not- -Granny, I’m using it to- -”

“Can you repeat that?” Kali asked, cupping one of her Human ears.

“I’m using my Magic because I’m not scared of it!” The teen blurted. “Back when mom was feeling worried about if I had dad as my favorite, I overheard her talking about how it felt like she was scared of her own Semblance again!”

Although Kali was stuttered, she still offered a hug. “Oh, honey. Come here.” She said, embracing her.

“I like to show it off because I don’t want you guys to worry so much.” Alex said with her and Kali’s animal ears brushing up. “But- -I don’t know where to start with hiding it.” She admitted when they released.

“I never said anything about hiding it all.” The elder cat said. “I’m proud of having a sorceress for a granddaughter.” She admitted.

What Kali spoke of was the presence of magical beings in this post-Salem world of Remnant. In Ozpin’s ascension to the afterlife so that he could finally be at peace, he had made a deal with the deity brothers to destroy the four Relics, spilling their energies out into Remnant.

This ‘Reliquary Cascade’ had even gone so far as to bring back select magi from the old world before the collapse of the first iteration of Humanity. But in Alex’s case, she received powers of witchcraft from being near a shrine full of dark magics. 

The shrine detonated, causing her as a kitten to being stuck in a space between the spiritual and physical planes of existence on Remnant. Now, she primarily uses her powers as a means of crowd control with hexes, circles and lots of ghost-fire.

“I mean, I know the whole ‘secret society’ thing we have going on.” Alex continued, despite not being a member of it. “If I or any other magical kids show off our powers, people freak out. So I like to show it off in your company.” She then confessed with her shoulders slumping.

Showboating was one of Alex’s habits she picked up. Being a prankster like her dad, Sun, she always enjoyed a good joke or display of awesomeness. There were a lot of green fireworks on Menagerie’s day of independence.

“I get it now. We’re not saying to stop, just maybe take a step back for a bit during your training?” Kali suggested. “Your mother wants your physical prowess to be at peak condition. And your powers are wonderful, but it shouldn’t have to be your end-all-be-all style.”

“Right.” The younger cat replied. “I wanna be as badass of a swordswoman as her, if not more. I’m just not a kitten anymore, Gran. I gotta prove it. Was I lost in the moment?” She pondered.

“Maybe a little.” Kali answered with a nod.

“Clock was ticking, so I had to think of something. I don’t even have a good one in mind for blinking to a target.” She said in reference to her ability to teleport a short distance. “Did your Semblance ever scare you?” She then asked.

Kali gave a grim pause.

“...Very much.” She finally answered. “Alex...My Semblance was as dangerous as it came. You’ve heard about the myths of the Berzerks, right? The ones your Aunt Nora told you about?” Kali asked.

“You were one of ‘em.” She plainly guessed.

“Yes, and that was also my Semblance.” Her grandmother answered. Almost like a war flashback. “I was much stronger and faster but at the cost of my sanity. I would lose myself more and more every time I used it.”

“How’d you keep it together?” Alex asked.

“It took plenty of training, combined with intense meditation.” Kali said looking less horrified. “In the end, my Semblance was more focused. My sanity was kept intact and it helped me during battle.” She admitted with another smile.

“Was this before or after you met grandpa?”

“During, actually.” Kali answered, her old smile widening. “You’re not a kitten, Alex. You’re growing up to be a fine magi and Huntress. And we couldn’t be prouder of you for that.” She said, now grinning.

------------------------

Finishing her tea and giving her grandmother a quick hug, Alex ran up to Blake’s room to see her less irritated on the bed and relaxing with a book. She tried knocking on the door only to step on a squeaky floorboard.

“I know it’s you, Alex.” Blake spoke without her eyes diverting from the book.

“You got me.” She said, opening the door fully.  “I just talked with gran. How are you feeling?” The teen then asked.

Blake still didn’t remove her gaze from the book.

“A little disappointed, I won’t lie.” She scolded. “You’ve got a knack for magic and I won’t forbid you from using it, but you can’t just throw it out there willy-nilly. It’s dangerous.” She then added.

“Yeah, I...I was being a moron about it.” She admitted. “I just wanted to prove that I didn’t fear my own powers. That I coulda used it in a...Clutch moment.” Her ears flattened as she confessed her mistake. “I just wanted to see if we were cool. And if we could try again tomorrow.”

Looking up from her book and sighing, Blake sat up.

“Alex, I understand what you’re feeling and that you don’t fear your powers. That you’ve learned to embrace them.” She said, holding her daughter’s chin up. “But using them too much is another extreme. If you focus too much on your witchcraft while neglecting your other skills, they can falter. You gotta keep in mind how others could be affected if any of your spells backfire.” She concluded.

“I can’t live with the idea of them affecting you, dad, Gran, or anyone else who’s not in my crosshairs hanging over my head. I’m- -Well, I’m sorry.” Alex moped.

And then, Blake embraced her kitten. “I’m sorry too.” She replied.

Their remorseful hug lasted for a minute, with Alex pillowing the side of her head into Blake’s chest with the tension gone.

“What’s tomorrow looking like, then?” She asked.

Blake smiled.

“Another training session.” She answered.

------------------------

By the time they reached the third room of the killing house again, there were 20 seconds left. Alex noticed her targets popping up rapidly as if it were Whack-A-Grimm.

“Crap, I can’t make out which is which!” Alex exclaimed.

“Use those sticky bombs I gave you.” Blake insisted, cocking Gambol Shroud and firing.

Alex nodded, using some of her mother’s sticky grenades she borrowed. She chucked both and hit one target. Could’ve hit the second, but the buzzer blared with Blake winning the challenge.

“Argh!” Alex grunted. “Okay, mom. We’re even.” She conceded, inserting a fresh clip into her pistol.

“That wasn’t so bad, Hellcat.” Blake admitted. “Though, this is what you get for neglecting your physical condition.” She teased.

“Yep. Guess I’ll join dad and Yang in the gym next time before this.” The teen snarked.

“Well I don’t know about you, but I’ve worked up a good appetite. You hungry?” ?her mother offered.

“Normally I’d ask about kahuna burgers.” She replied.

“But we’ve got salmon fillets!” Blake beamed.

“Oh fuc- -Er, hell yeah.” Alex caught herself.

“I’ll pretend you almost didn’t swear, young lady.” Blake said with a glare.

“Yes, mother.” She said. “Let’s eat!”

[detroitwhatitmeanstobehuman]

Chapter 6 - Shared Loss

Part 6/17 of What it Means to be Human

Word Count: 13,649

Warnings: Swearing, alcoholism, Russian Roulette, suicidal ideation, very suggestive banter (they’re in a sex club in this chapter, kind of expected), hardcore flirting, trauma-induced panic attack.

Genre: Self-insert/Angst

Pairing: OC (Detective Rachel) X Connor

Rating: Mature

Summary: After getting a report of a homicide at an android sex club downtown, Connor and Detective Rachel go out to look for Lieutenant Anderson so they can all investigate. After finding Hank, they depart to investigate the Eden Club and find more than what it initially appears on the surface. But the environment is ripe with opportunities for jokes and teasing, and Rachel takes full opportunity of it, not realizing that Connor can dish it back quite effectively.

First Chapter | Previous Chapter

---------------------------------

It was actually a pretty fun car ride! My anxiety didn’t even once cross my mind, since I was both texting Bianca and talking to Connor, also about Bianca. I made it a habit to text my sister every day, just so she’d know how I’m doing. Especially since I was living pretty much on my own, now.

She had moved back to Canada after we both lived in Detroit. She had pretty much only lived there because of me so she could help me. It was also the reason she worked at CyberLife before she eventually went back home.

She seemed pretty scared and worried when she heard that I was gunning to be in the police academy here. We both knew it was a tough job, but she also knew it was something I had to do. It gave me a sense of purpose, of making a difference, and I think she knew that I needed to keep myself busy that way.

So, she went back home. And I promised I would text her just so she’d know how I am. As much as sometimes I didn’t feel like it, I always did anyways. I think it helped me avoid some of the worst days. My depression after the accident was really really bad. I couldn’t blame her for being so worried. After all, we were kind of the only really close family we still had, save for cousins. 

We’d always been really close, and we only became closer as we grew up.

And Connor was listening intently to me talk about her. Something I noticed about him ever since leaving my house was that he seemed to focus intensely on me whenever I spoke. As if he was trying to hang onto and record my every word. Even when I wasn’t really saying anything in particular, he still seemed to commit it all to memory.

I didn’t really know what to think of the gesture.

We looked for Hank at Jimmy’s Bar, but Jimmy said that he hadn’t seen Hank.

So, here we were at Hank’s house. Connor was standing next to me and started knocking on the door. “Lieutenant Anderson?” The android called. He then held the doorbell, the loud buzzer continuing on as Connor held it. Still no answer. “Anybody home?”

We waited for a few moments before I just shrugged. “Welp, he’s probably drunk.” I said, bending down. “Luckily for us, I know for a fact that Hank -” I then noticed Connor’s absence and looked around, not really seeing him. “Connor?” I called, confused. I sort of shrugged, flipping the doormat up and grabbing the house key, putting it into the keyhole and turning it, his lock giving way without much resistance. I had been at Hank’s enough times to know my way in and know that he wouldn’t really be surprised at my intrusion. 

After stepping inside, I was immediately greeted by Hank’s adorable St. Bernard dog. “Hi, Sumo!” I greeted the dog sniffing at me, his tail wagging happily as I bent down to slip the key back under the doormat outside. Hank’s dog was as familiar with me as I was with Hank, as I sometimes dogsat for him. Once I closed and locked the door again, I started petting the dog. “I know, I’m happy to see you too, my sweet baby boy!” I said in that tone of voice I usually spoke to animals with. It was pretty damn near impossible not to baby talk at animals.

Suddenly, interrupting my moment with Sumo, I heard the sound of glass breaking, and snapped my head in its direction, Sumo and I rushing toward it. “Argh!” I saw Connor rolling through Hank’s window into the kitchen/dining room area, my eyes wide in disbelief. Sumo quickly went into attack mode, or at least as much as the sweet pooch could really be in, and went up to check Connor out. “Easy!...Sumo...I'm your friend, see?...I know your name...” Connor assured the dog. As much as I found it adorable how Connor reacted to the St. Bernard, I was more appalled at the fact that he jumped through the fucking window! “I'm here to save your owner.”

“What the Hell, Connor!?” I whisper-yelled at the idiot android.

“I’m sorry.” He said, getting up. “I had to get into the house.”

“Hank keeps a spare key under his doormat!” I informed him, gesturing exaggeratedly towards the front door. “Something I was about to tell you if you had just waited for like five seconds before deciding to break in! Because like Hell I’m having a homemade hysterectomy at his house!”

Connor looked a little embarrassed for a moment. “Oh.” Was all he seemed to say.

As Sumo walked back up to me, sniffing at my legs, I let out an exasperated sigh that was quickly undercut by an amused snicker. “We’ll deal with that later. First we gotta find Hank.” I then looked around. “Speaking of which, where - ?” My eyes then found Hank’s form unconscious on the floor.

And next to him was a revolver, laid on the ground carelessly.

I felt my heart stop and my blood go cold at the sight, and instantly my instincts kicked in as I rushed towards him, kneeling over him, Connor joining me by the man’s side. “Hank!” Oh God, please no! Please don’t be fucking dead! “Hank! Can you hear me?! Please say something!” I pleaded, shaking him, feeling my breaths growing rapid and shallow.

Connor was staying silent, likely analyzing the lieutenant for any signs of danger or injury. “Lieutenant?” He asked, quietly. His seemingly nonchalant attitude put me somewhat at ease, but I couldn’t tell if he was always like that, or if he could portray panic or sadness. Either way, his lack of reaction made me feel better.

Quickly, Hank mumbled and shifted a little, sort of babbling. I let out a sigh of relief and slumped against him. “Oh, thank God...you’re just drunk.” I then quickly recoiled at the overwhelming unpleasant stench of alcohol, almost stumbling backward. “Really drunk! Ugh, Jesus Christ! That is definitely one of the reasons I don’t drink. The other being that I have a debilitating fear of losing control of myself and my body and thus I have an intense discomfort at the thought of being inebriated.”

Connor then reached over and firmly patted Hank’s face, causing him to grumble and shift even more. “Wake up, Lieutenant!” He willed once again.

Sighing and feeling my heart rate go back to normal, I got back up and leaned against the table, trying to catch my breath, looking over at Connor. “He’s probably gonna need more than that.” I advised the android. “It takes a lot to get him going when he gets that drunk.”

Seemingly taking my advice, Connor nods. Although, much to my shock, he winds up and delivers a hard slap that makes me almost choke in surprise. “It’s me, Connor!”

I couldn’t help but laugh, both because Connor just deadass slapped the shit out of old man Hank, and because I wasn’t expecting him to just slap him like that. “Holy shit, I didn’t mean that much!”

But it seemed to work, as Hank was starting to actually stir, grumbling and groaning even more in his drunken state. Connor wasted no time pulling Hank up to his feet, much to the man’s drunken protests. “I'm going to sober you up for your own safety.”

“Hey!...Leave me alone, you fuckin' android!”

“I have to warn you, this may be unpleasant.”

Hank seemed to regard Connor for a moment before he started complaining again. “Get the fuck outta my house!”

I let out an exasperated sigh and just started pointing at him. “Hank, I know you’re in your fifties, but I will mom the shit out of you, so help me!” I warned him. “Connor’s gonna sober you up, and you’re gonna fucking like it, God damn it!”

“I'm sorry Lieutenant, but I need you.” Connor apologized, pulling Hank’s right arm over his shoulders and snaking his own left around Hank’s side under his other arm. “Thank you in advance for your cooperation.”

“Hey! Get the fuck outta here!” Hank droned on as Connor started dragging him towards the bathroom, Hank continuing to make a series of loud grumbles and noises that I honestly couldn’t help but find hilarious, despite the unfortunate nature of Hank’s alcoholism. “Sumo! Attack!” He ordered, getting nothing out of the dog but a quick bark. “Good dog. Attack!”

As Connor rounded the corner, taking Hank to the bathroom, I shook my head and sighed, heading over to where Sumo was laying down. As soon as I approached, the dog heaved himself back up onto his legs. I quickly sat down next to him, my legs crossed, and let him lay down on me, his large head resting in my lap. “I know, baby.” I said to him, scratching him behind his ears the way he liked it. “Daddy’s got problems, I know. I don’t like it, either.”

From the direction of the hallway leading into the bathroom, I heard Hank’s voice again. “Fuck, I think I'm gonna be sick...” The sound of a door hastily being opened immediately followed, along with another protest from Hank. “Ah! Leave me alone, you asshole!” 

I couldn’t hear the rest of it, but I just rolled my eyes and shook my head, electing to just continue petting Sumo. He was a very good dog, and I think he’s one of the few things that keeps Hank still going. But it was very easy to see that he tended to get nervous, and it was mostly because Hank didn’t really take good care of himself. Dogs, and mammalian pets in general, were pretty good about sensing shit like that. And it does affect them. And anytime I would try to get Hank to start taking better care of himself, he’d just tell me to go fuck myself. I never took it personally, but just once I wished he would actually take my suggestions seriously.

Suddenly, I heard the sound of a shower being turned on, and Hank shouting at the top of his lungs. “TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!” Even after the sound of the water had just as quickly ceased, I couldn’t help but laugh a little. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“A homicide was reported 43 minutes ago.” Connor informed Hank. “We couldn't find you at Jimmy's bar, so we came to see if you were at home.”

I practically facepalmed at Connor’s complete tactlessness. “DUDE!” I shouted at him from the other room. “THE MAN HAS JUST BEEN LYING ON THE FLOOR PISS DRUNK! YOU DON’T JUST OPEN WITH THAT! MAKE SURE THE POOR MAN’S OKAY, FIRST!” I lectured him, still shouting and shaking my head. “Jesus!”

“I’m sorry!” Connor replied back to me. “I’ll keep that in mind for the next time!” It sort of amazed me how he could maintain the same sort of polite and professional tone of voice while raising it. Despite the change in volume, he didn’t sound like he was actually shouting at me.

A small moment seemed to pass before I heard Hank complain again. “Jesus, I must be the only cop in the world that gets assaulted in his own house by his own fuckin' android.”

“Hey, if Connor didn’t do it, I would’ve!” I yelled at Hank. “So, SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

“YOU TOO?!” Hank exclaimed in indignation.

“Yes, me too!” I bit back with. “Because like it or not, I care about you! Because someone has to, so deal with it!”

I knew Hank didn’t really have much of a high opinion of himself. It was one of the reasons his self care was so poor. But like fuck I was gonna let that slide! I considered Hank a good friend, and I sure as Hell wasn’t going to let a friend wallow in his self-loathing and misery.

“You seem to have personal issues.” I heard Connor saying from the bathroom. “You should consult a professional who can help you!”

“Beat it! You hear me!?” Hank shouted at Connor. “Get the Hell outta here!”

I scoffed at him. “Hank, Connor’s right, you know!” I yelled.

I got no answer, so I just went back to petting Sumo. As much as I wanted to join in, the dog has me pinned to the ground with his head, and thus I am not allowed to leave.

That’s just the law of having animals. If they decide they wanna sleep, sit, or lay on you, that’s it. You live there now.

“I understand.” Connor said. “It probably wasn’t interesting anyway...a man found dead in a sex club downtown...” I snickered at him. “Guess they’ll have to solve the case without us...”

“Hey!” I shouted. “If Hank wants to stay home, we can make this case into a fun romp! Wouldn’t be too bad a place for a date!” I teased, a smug grin on my face. I knew he didn’t react to things like jokes or teasing in the same way humans did, but it didn’t make me want to do it any less. It was one of the ways I expressed affection, and I got the feeling that even though Connor didn’t understand it really, he understood that that’s how I expressed myself.

“You know, it probably wouldn’t do me any harm to get some air...” Hank said, agreeing. I couldn’t help but chuckle. There he is. Sumo shifted a bit, though instead of getting up and leaving, he just slumped more onto his side and shoved his face further into my lap. Welp, guess I’m never leaving.

“I’ll go get them!” Connor’s voice rung out. I was confused for a moment, but very quickly my brain pieced together from context clues. Ah, clothes. Fresh clothes. “What do you want to wear?”

“Whatever!” Hank groaned.

A moment seemed to go by before I heard Hank yelling and gasping, and I felt my stomach churn. I’ve always had sort of a weak stomach, and I especially couldn’t really handle vomit. The most I’ve ever had to do was help my sister throw up over the phone after she drunk too much one night. She was very much the sad drunk that night, but at least my sort of nonchalant blase attitude made her feel a lot better. Anytime she’d moan about how she was dying, I would just remind her that she wasn’t dying, and that she was just sad and drunk and that she’d be fine.

Sometimes reacting to something as if it’s not a big deal can help ground someone in reality. Inversely, reacting to other things like it is a big deal can also help ground someone in reality. It just depends on context.

Connor closed the bathroom door, muffling the sounds of Hank’s ordeal and the android slowly approached me. “Is Hank okay?” I asked him.

“He’ll be fine.” Connor informed me. “He informed me that he just needs five minutes. He’s just suffering from alcohol intoxication and his body is forcefully expelling it from his systems.”

“Yeesh!” I grimaced. “I’m very glad I stay away from alcohol. It’s not good and it tastes like urine in a mug. I’ve only ever really gotten drunk once, and I’m avoiding that situation again.”

Connor’s brows furrowed in concern for a moment as he regarded me. “Did something happen?”

“Oh! No, nothing bad happened!” I assured him. “I was in my apartment when I was still living in Canada just after I finished going to university. I was with Frank and a few of my friends from school for a beach day/board game night, and I wanted to see what I’m like when I’m drunk. Needless to say, I’ve discovered that I’m a silly drunk. So it wasn’t horrible and it’s definitely fun to remember, but I don’t think I want to get drunk again.”

“Ah, I see.” Connor said, nodding. “Probably a wise decision.”

His dark eyes then flicked over to Sumo and I saw his lips gently curl into a smile as he bent down to pet the St. Bernard, the dog lifting his head up to sniff at Connor’s hand. “You mentioned that you like dogs.” I said to him, remembering his conversation with Hank earlier at the station.

“Yes.” Connor replied, gently running his hand over the dog’s back and belly. “And I think it would be easy to assume you do, as well.”

“Oh, absolutely!” I answered, giving Sumo a good head scratch, to which the dog groaned and grumbled happily. I could easily recognize the sounds of a dog that was enjoying a good scratch. “But, I love all critters. Well, I’m not a fan of spiders, but I can usually at least appreciate them...when I’m not cowering in the corner.”

Connor nodded and got up, looking over the room. He inspected Hank’s vinyl collection, a set of jazz records.

He then left the living room and walked towards the dining room where we found Hank. I wondered for a moment if Connor inspected my house like that while I was brewing myself tea, learning as much as he could about me through simple observation. He knelt down to examine the revolver on the ground, and I couldn’t lie, the sight of it still made me tense up. “What were you doing with the gun?” Connor called out to Hank.

“Russian roulette! Wanted to see how long I could last...” Hank called out, his voice muffled by the bathroom walls. I let out a sigh, scrunching my face. “Must've collapsed before I found out...”

I heard Connor examining the revolver further, before he put it back down. “You were lucky, the next shot would have killed you.” He said rather pointedly.

I snuggled in closer to Sumo, feeling a darkness creep into my very senses. I knew Hank had...tendencies. He wasn’t suicidal. He couldn’t really pull the trigger. Not knowingly. But he kept testing the limits and leaving it up to chance, hoping somewhere that God would just kill him already.

The kind of man with nothing to live for, but no reason to die. A feeling I knew all too well.

And I knew full well the reason why. Connor had gotten up off the floor and was staring at it. A framed photo of Hank’s son, Cole. He died four years ago in an accident. He was only six. For a moment, I contemplated telling Connor the whole story. But...that wasn’t my story to tell. Whether or not Connor should hear the story was up to Hank, not me. And I had enough respect for Hank not to infringe on that right.

Hank wasn’t the type who was really all that good at expressing his feelings or talking about his problems. He tended to keep that shit to himself. He locked himself off from others, while I was eager to share. I talked about vulnerable things, but...I wasn’t really being vulnerable. Oversharing was just something I did to help me feel more in control. It was just another way to protect myself from my own guilt. My own darkness.

Hank and I weren’t always friends. But we understood each other. There was only one time he really opened up to me, and funnily enough, it was sort of the first time we had properly met.

I had just made detective after graduating from the police academy and being an officer for a while. One of my first cases was dealing with a set of red ice dealers, and I got a tip from a CI that a handoff was supposed to go down in a public park. So Chris and I made our way there early so that we couldn’t miss it. Chris waited in an unmarked vehicle, keeping an eye on things and letting me know if he saw any movement through my walker.

Whilst I was making my way around the place, I saw him there. Lieutenant Hank Anderson, sitting on a bench with a bottle of whiskey in hand. I’d seen him around before, but I’d never really even spoken to him. I sort of didn’t really like him, as he just kind of seemed like an unprofessional, crotchety, old drunkard that didn’t really take his job seriously, yet enjoyed his position of authority anyways.

But when I saw him sitting there on that bench, he seemed so...lost and forlorn. He was looking pretty sombre, and since he was off-duty, this was his time off the clock. He noticed me and gave me a nod. “Officer.” He greeted with a grunt.

“Lieutenant Anderson.” I replied in kind. “And it’s ‘detective,’ now.” He rolled his eyes, and I noticed that there was a place I could sit. I wasn’t sure what compelled me to keep him company, but...I felt like I should. “I’m waiting to see if my CI was right about a dealer making a handoff here. So, mind if I have a seat?”

The lieutenant scoffed. “Yeah, go ahead. Whatever.” He droned. 

I was briefly annoyed, but took a seat, being careful not to sit too close to him or touch him. He was definitely distant, I could see it in his pale blue eyes. Looking around, it seemed pretty strange to me that someone like him was just sitting and getting drunk at a children’s playground alone. So in my mind, he was either dealing with some shit, or he was just an old drunk creep. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, however, and decided to gently pry at him. “So, what’s a guy like you doing at a place like this at this hour with a bottle of booze?” I asked him. “Get kicked out of too many bars for roughhousing some assholes?”

He seemed to actually be briefly amused by my attempt at bonding, giving me a weak chuckle. But he downed another gulp of whiskey and shot me a glare. “Why the fuck do you care?”

As rude as that question was asked, I just shrugged. “Why not? Wallowing in misery is a lot less shitty when someone’s there to make sure you get cleaned up, after.” I said to him blankly. “I’m not allowed to be worried about a fellow officer?”

“Tch, what?” He scoffed at me, shoving me a little aggressively. “Do I look pathetic to you? Like a fucking loser? You just sitting here and acting like you care outta fuckin’ pity?”

I’ve dealt with enough aggressive jagoffs to know that responding in kind with aggression just made them angrier. It was just easier and better to diffuse them. “You say that like basic human empathy is a bad thing.” I shot back with a monotone delivery, an eyebrow raised.

He seemed to respond to that neutrally, shaking his head with a scoff. “Whatever.” He grumbled, taking another swig of booze. “It’s not like a kid like you could understand.”

I blinked at him a couple times, not breaking my gaze from him. “Try me.” I said simply.

He was quiet for a moment. But then, to my surprise, he actually started talking to me. He...he told me everything. About Cole. About the truck skidding on the road. About Cole’s trip to the hospital. About how an android was tasked to operate on his son, and...Cole didn’t make it.

I listened intently, responding only when it was appropriate for me to. And...I told him about Frank.

At that moment, we understood each other. We both knew grief and loss, and it affected us in our daily lives. It changed the way we each respectively saw the world. I then heard Chris on the walker about the dealer making the handoff, and Hank and I ended up arresting him and a couple of other dealers that were in the area.

After that, we actually started to become familiar with one another. We were partners on a few cases, and after that, he started getting me on other tougher cases. Even the other detectives were surprised that I was getting “special treatment.” But at that point, we weren’t just colleagues or occasional partners.

We were friends. We could depend on each other and trust each other. We had each other’s backs. And we understood each other better than anyone else in the precinct did. All thanks to that one night.

Distracting me from my thoughts, Sumo quickly got up and walked towards the bathroom, and I heaved myself up onto my feet, approaching Hank. He was wearing something pretty snazzy, if a little silly. But for where we were going, it would work. Hank turned from Connor to me and sighed. “Hey, kid.”

“Hey, Hank.” I replied in kind. “You feeling better now?”

“Yeah.” Hank assured me, looking down at Sumo. “Be a good dog, Sumo. I won't be long.”

With that, Connor and I quietly followed Hank to the front door, my gaze glancing back at the photo of Cole before continuing out the door. “Sorry about the window, Lieutenant.” Connor apologized to Hank. “I really thought you'd been attacked. Of course, CyberLife will pay for the damage.”

Hank scoffed. “Yeah, trust me, I'll send 'em a bill...”

I sort of shrugged as we emerged back out into the nighttime rain. “I tried to tell him it wasn’t necessary, but he sorta jumped the gun a bit. Or the window, in this case.”

Hank groaned. “That barely took any effort.”

“Yeah, definitely not one of my better jokes.” I agreed. “But in my defense, I didn’t have much to work with.”

--------

“Aw...Feels like somebody's playing with a drill inside my skull...” Hank groaned in the front seat. He was in the passenger’s seat while Connor was driving, a wise decision, I thought. “You sure this is the place?”

Connor shrugged. “It's the address in the report.” He replied nonchalantly.

“Right...Okay...” Hank grumbled. I was feeling pretty bad for him. I mean, he did just deal with lying on the floor drunk. And I would’ve offered him some ibuprofen, but I knew that wasn’t a good thing to take anywhere near alcohol. “Let's get going.”

I raised a concerned eyebrow at Hank. “Are you sure?” I asked him. “Maybe you should stay in the car and Connor and I can deal with this.”

“No, no. I’m fine.” Hank stubbornly assured me. “Don’t you worry about me, I’m okay.” He then got out of the car, bumping his head with a mumble, and I followed quickly along. Connor was last and locked the car after we got out.

As we approached, I noticed all the cops outside, and the cool blue club lighting coming from inside, bright pink neon letters spelling out Eden Club. From the outside, it didn’t seem like a bad place to hang. 

As we approached the entrance, barred off with a holographic do not enter barrier for police investigations, I heard Hank scoff. “‘Sexiest androids in town’...Now I know why you insisted on coming here!”

The club interior was bathed in violet and blue lights, the cool hues making it pleasant on the eyes, I had to admit. Glancing over at Connor, I decided to have a bit of fun. “Really? I didn’t know Connor works here.”

Hank snapped his head around to glare at me and Connor’s brown eyes quickly darted in my direction. I saw his LED flicker red for a moment, and this time I knew I didn’t imagine it. He seemed so typically composed, but I realized something crucial.

Connor could get flustered. Or at least embarrassed.

And then the widest smirk on my face grew. This was going to be fun.

“Alright, that’s it. You’re staying in the car.” Hank ordered.

“Noooooo! I wanna see Gavin get beat up by sex androids!” I cried at Hank as we started to walk in. “Come on, this is the most action I’ve had in months! Wow, given the context, I really should’ve rephrased that.” I realized mid-sentence before shrugging it off.

“Oh, great! A dead body and an asshole, just what I needed...” Hank grumbled before glancing over at me curiously. “Wait, how do you know that Gavin’s here?”

“He texted me when Connor was at my place just before we came to yours.” I told him.

“Why the fuck do you have his number?” Hank exclaimed in disbelief.

I shrugged exaggeratedly. “I don’t! He has mine! And I can promise you I did not give it to him! Someone else must’ve!” I explained. “And he keeps texting me despite the fact that I have never once responded to him!”

“Then why don’t you just block him?” Hank asked in exasperation, seeming to get tired of my general tomfoolery.

I scoffed at him. “Because he’s a shitpost with feet and I’d miss out on comedy gold. Let me read you the text he sent me.” I cleared my throat and fished out my phone, opening it. “‘It’s a real shame that I’m the best cop ever, or I might make a pretty decent stripper.’ Okay, can we agree that Gavin would make an amazing stripper, but none of us are going to stroke his ego like that?”

Hank made a disgusted sound and then sped on ahead, leaving Connor and I behind. I put my phone away and glanced up at Connor, his LED his usual cool blue. I saw it flicker red earlier, and I couldn’t help but desperately want to see it turn that colour again. Putting on a confident and sly look on my face, I put my hands behind my back. “You know, Connor.” I started, the android looking in my direction. I only continued once we were making committed eye contact. “If you run your hands as well as you run your mouth, you could really spice up business around here.” I said with a deliberate raise of an eyebrow and a very deliberate tone to my voice.

And there it was again, that flicker of red. I have never felt more smug in my life.

But that very quickly faded when Connor’s expression changed into a bold one. “Rachel, did you know that I speak over 3000 global dialects fluently?”

It seemed like a random thing to bring up, but I was actually pretty impressed by that. “Ooooh! Cool!” I complimented. “Think you could help me brush up on my Romanian and my Spanish? I’m quite out of practice.”

But his eyebrow turned up at me, a gesture I was not expecting. “Do you know what that means, Rachel?”

Curious, and also skeptical, I narrowed my eyes at him. “What?” I asked.

And the fucking look he gave me when he leaned in close to me to whisper in a voice I didn’t know he could do nearly took me out right then and there. “I’m quite skilled with my tongue.”

I was not expecting him to actually shoot back at me, and I felt the hottest of shame surge up from my toes to my neck, making me involuntarily clench and arch my spine backwards and curl my fingers inward. I felt my chest tighten, feeling like it was going to explode as I just stared at him, wide-eyed and blinking at him as I stopped in place. “D-d-did you just fucking 1-up me?!” I stammered at him in shock.

And he did it again. He stared me down with that damn look, his smirk just taunting me. “What’s the matter, dear detective?” Oh God, no. He’s learning. I thought, trying to ignore the feeling of being referred to as dear detective. “Frustrated to have your own wiles thrown back at you?” I could feel my breaths getting caught in my throat and my chest feeling light. “That’s what you were doing, wasn’t it? In an effort to get under my synthetic skin, as it were?”

What the fuck was happening right now?! He wasn’t supposed to actually be good at this! That’s my thing! Well, if he thinks he can beat me at my own game, he’s dead wrong. “Ohhhhh, you don’t wanna do this with me, tin man.” I whispered at him low, getting all up in his face. “You’ve started a battle of wills of which you cannot hope to win. You may be a machine, but you are not impervious, and you will quickly learn that my spirit is unbreakable. You will emerge from this a broken man, Connor.”

As much as I was taking this challenge, there was a sense of satisfaction that bloomed within me at the blinking red LED on his temple despite his face remaining confident and neutral. “We’ll see about that, detective.”

Connor had been calling me by my first name since I first told him this morning. Clearly choosing to refer to me as simply detective was a deliberate choice. As if he knew this was only a game between us.

Clearly he did not count on the fact that I’m one of the most stubborn people on the planet, and that I have a natural inclination for competition and a refusal to be bested. Quite simply put, I refuse to lose.

“So we will.” I replied. I glanced down, only now noticing the tie he was wearing. I wasn’t exactly the expert on ties, but I liked them. A lot. And I knew that knot when I saw it. Now, this was totally something I saw on a show, but perhaps Connor would respond well to it. Experimentally, I let my right hand travel up his chest and gripped his tie to gently tug him down towards me. “A single Windsor knot?” I asked with a raised eyebrow. “Really? The easiest knot to undo? Why bother wearing any clothes at all if you were going to make such a brazen display, detective?”

There it was again. That blinking red light I was now very much enjoying seeing. “In this environment, it wouldn’t be out of place.”

“Oh, that’s right!” I teased in a mocking voice. “It wouldn’t be out of place for you to strut around in a sex club like the peacock that you are.”

“To be fair, you did mention that I have the visual appearance of a twink.” Connor bit back with a smug grin. “So yes, perhaps I wouldn’t appear too out of place here.”

I then narrowed my eyes at him, both in disgruntlement and in begrudging pride. “Well played, Connor. Well played.”

“Guys!” Hank shouted at us. “The fuck are you doin'?”

Connor’s attention immediately shifted and he began following the old man as if that conversation just didn’t happen. “Coming, Lieutenant.”

I tried to ignore the feeling I was getting after Connor left, and followed them further inside the club. Getting a better look, my potential anticipation of fun quickly plummeted when I looked around at all the androids in underwear and bras that were being kept in tubes. There were also androids performing as pole dancers in the middle of the rooms, but most of them were just...waiting to be rented. As I approached one, I immediately clung to my jacket and pulled it closer to myself, feeling my blood go a little bit cold. “You alright, Rachel?” Hank asked me, approaching me.

I sort of shook my head with a sigh. “Yeah, I just...I thought this was gonna be fun. But,” I paused, taking another look at the sex android that was just staring at me through the glass, “seeing these androids just on display for everyone to see, waiting to just get used and then put back is...to put it mildly, making me uncomfortably self-conscious.”

“Oh yeah?” Hank said with a scoff. “Why’s that?”

I sort of glared at him with a lazy tilt of my head, very much giving him the really? look. “Because most straight white men look at me like that.” I said very bluntly, not hiding the annoyance in my voice. “Let me tell you, it fucking sucks to have to be constantly hypervigilant of my surroundings, especially at night, just so I don’t end up waking up behind a dumpster because some asshole feels entitled to my vagina.”

“Okay! Okay, I get it!” Hank said, waving his hands. I rolled my eyes. I knew men could be squeamish when “women problems” were brought up around them. Or when they had to be confronted about their privileges. But I knew Hank wasn’t just dismissing me, he just wasn’t really...a sensual person and got grossed out kinda easily. “So, what the fuck was that whole deal with you and Connor back there?”

I sort of gave him a confused look. “What do you mean?”

“You were practically climbing up him like a cougar scoring up some territory!” Hank clarified a bit too bluntly for my liking.

“Ugh, gross! It’s not like that!” I groaned, mock gagging a bit. “It was just playful banter that was in theme with the environment because come on. When else am I gonna have an opportunity to make jokes like these in an appropriate setting?”

Hank shoved me with his shoulder as we further walked in. “Alright, whatever you say.” I could tell he wasn’t convinced, but I didn’t really care. “Just keep it in your pants.”

I rolled my eyes at him again. “Won’t be hard.”

As we made our way closer to who I recognized as Ben who was talking to someone I assumed was the manager. “You're not gonna take my license, are you? I mean, ha, I had nothing to do with this!” I heard the guy say in a very hushed and slimy voice and already I decided I did not like him. 

I mean, I didn’t have high hopes that someone who ran a facility like this was a stand-up person. Don’t get me wrong, I have infinite amounts of respect for sex workers and pole dancers and strippers! But it’s no secret that it’s not a safe industry to be in for workers and that management isn’t usually great or even qualifies as the most basic definition of ethical.

Which was why I was very picky about the clubs I went to. Because pole dancers are actually super fun to watch and I want to support them. “The investigation's ongoing, sir, I can't tell you anything for the moment.” I heard Ben say, breaking me out of my thoughts. I noticed Connor regarding the sex androids as I made my way over, and I wondered for a moment if he was just doing his usual observation thing or if he was actually a closet pervert.

But he stole a glance at me, and I looked away just as quick, not wanting him to catch me staring at him.

Wait, why was I staring at him? And why did I care if he noticed?

Deciding not to dwell on that for too long, I decided to just catch up with Hank again and approached them. “Hey, Hank!” Ben called his colleague before glancing over at me. “Hey, Rachel! Heard you got put on the case, too, huh.”

I nodded, a small flush of pride spreading through me. “Yeah, guess they decided that I was too good to leave off the case!” I bragged somewhat jokingly.

“Yeah, don’t get too cocky.” Ben said, gesturing towards a room that was labeled The Red Room. “This one might be a bit of a tough nut to bust.”

I turned to Hank. “See? Ben’s making jokes, too!”

Hank ignored me, deciding just to talk to Ben. “So, how's it goin'?”

“It's that room there. Oh, uh, by the way...” Ben paused, an unpleasant frown on his greying face. “Gavin's in there too.”

“Yeah, I know.” I droned in equal disappointment.

“He texted you?”

“Yeah.” I replied dully. “We’ll head on in. Thanks, Ben.”

I started making my way into the room, the door opening and Hank following behind me. I sensed Connor’s footsteps briskly catching up and ignored the fact that my breath briefly quickened for a moment.

As soon as I walked in, I saw Gavin with his back turned to us, another officer I soon recognized as Chris, and two bodies laid on the ground. It barely took any time for the asshole to notice us. “Lieutenant Anderson, the Detective Slut, and her plastic fuck toy...The fuck are you doin' here?”

I felt a brief rage and frustration bubble up in me before I exhaled it out. “I’m gonna pretend that you didn’t just say that combination of words out loud.”

“We've been assigned all cases involving androids.” Connor replied way more professionally than I would have.

“Oh, yeah?” He said with a condescending glare that made me want to throw him out of a fucking window. “Well, you're wasting your time.” He was looking at the body with a less than appropriate grin on his face. “Just some pervert who, uh, got more action than he could handle.” He laughed, looking directly at me. “Sounds like it’s your kind of Friday night, huh, Rach?”

No way in Hell was I about to take his shit. “Okay, first of all, Gavin, I may be a slut, but I’m a slut with social anxiety and trust issues, so tread lightly.” I warned him with a glare. “And second, you know I don’t have sex with androids. Period.”

“Really?” He was glancing between Connor and I, and I knew exactly what he was implying. And it was making it really hard not to kick him right in the dick. Especially since I was at the perfect height to do so. “Could’ve fooled me.” He said, getting uncomfortably close to me.

“We'll have a look anyway, if you don't mind.” Hank said, trying to ease the tension, getting closer to me.

As Gavin leaned in close, I stood my ground, glaring up at him. “You know, all this is making me pretty frisky. Huh, Rach?”

Blinking at him a couple of times, I replied in the most monotone voice I could muster. “I’m ovulating, let’s go.”

He then gave me a face that I knew meant he was no longer interested. “And, like that the boner’s killed.” He then looked over at Chris and gestured to the black officer to follow. “Come on, let's go...” He said, his eyes focused on Hank. “It's uh... starting to stink of booze in here...”

In a fraction of a second, I had my left hand wrapped tightly around Gavin’s wrist, and I pulled him in close. His groans of pain were audible as I simply glared at him, not breaking my grip on him. “Fuck!” He spat in his strange unique way that sounded more like a sneeze than a swear.

“You’d better watch your damn mouth, Reed.” I warned him, my voice dripping with venom. “Unless you want to be picking your teeth up off the fucking floor. And you and I both know that I can kick your ass with one arm.”

I let him go, and Gavin wasted no time leaving, aggressively shoulder checking Connor as he left, gripping his wrist which I could easily see was going to bruise something fierce. Chris then approached us, nodding politely at us. “Night, guys.”

“Night, Chris.” I replied after him.

After the door closed behind us, I let out a sigh. “Man, the fucking nerve of that guy.” I groaned. “At least he was nice enough to pull out.”

Hank rolled his eyes with a disgusted groan at my joke and I just snickered at myself. I glanced over at Connor and I realized he was staring at me quite intensely, his LED spinning yellow. “What?” I asked him.

“Why did you tell Detective Reed that you were ovulating when it would’ve been counterproductive to rejecting his advances and is also untrue?” I sort of blinked at him in surprise. “I’m not detecting any spike in your ovulation levels based on my vital scan.”

“Oh, Jesus, Connor!” Hank shouted, throwing his arms up. “Can’t you ever just mind your own fuckin’ business?”

I was about to feel really embarrassed and maybe even scold Connor a bit, but then I got a better idea. “Well, first off, guys don’t respond well when you break down stuff into technicals. Sort of kills the mood.” I said, stepping up to him. “And second of all, my eyes are up here, pervert.” I teased, walking up to him and grabbing his tie again, but not pulling him. “Try not to get lost in them, I know that can be quite hard.”

“Hm.” Connor said, tilting his head in confusion. “Interesting how you say they’re ‘up here,’ but I actually have to look down at you to see them.”

“Ohhhhh...fuck you, Connor.” I immediately let go of his tie and shook my head, backing off and sort of laughing begrudgingly. I’m sort of used to having short jokes thrown at me, but the fact that it came from Connor somehow made it worse.

“Hey, dead body here.” Hank said, getting our attention and throwing a very pointed glare at me in particular. “Can we maybe focus?”

Connor nodded. “Sure thing, Lieutenant.” 

I walked over to examine the body of the guy on the bed, feeling a bit queasy. Even though he hasn’t been dead long enough to smell or even look dead, aside from his eyes popping out of his head, it still never got any easier looking at them.

I glanced over at Connor, who seemed to have decided to investigate the android. He dipped his fingers in the blue blood trickling down her nose, and brought them to his lips, gently lapping at it once. “Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey!” Hank rushed over in exasperation. “Argh, Connor, you're so disgusting... Think I'm gonna puke again...”

My brain was running on autopilot, generating what it seemed to think was a totally normal completely inconspicuous response. “Yep, super gross. Absolutely disgusting.” 

Although, as soon as I said that, Connor locked eyes with me, and I immediately felt my heart jump, and just looked away, blocking my view of him with my right hand. I started breathing heavily as the obscene thought might have crossed my mind a bit...maybe...somewhat...kind of...sort of...You know what? It doesn’t matter. As I walked over to the dead body, trying to avoid looking at Connor, Hank made his way over to the nearby table.

I quickly realized that my heart was still going. It wouldn’t stop. And it was really weirding me out. Why is everything so weird all of a sudden? I then took a good look around myself and reminded myself of where I was currently. Sex club. That’s why. We’re in a sex club, of course things would feel weird. 

I was not prepared for Connor to approach me from behind, the brush of his shoulder making me almost gasp in shock. “Are you alright, Rachel?” He asked, dropping whatever playful or teasing tone he had before in favour of one of concern. “Your heart rate has elevated again and so has your breath intake. Do you need to take a step outside?”

I sort of smiled at his concern, turning to look at him. “I’m fine, I’m just...never used to dealing with dead bodies, that’s all.” I assured him, but somewhere inside, that didn’t feel completely honest. But...why? Connor, however, seemed to accept my answer, and I went about examining the body. 

The first thing I noticed, aside from the victim’s protruding bloodshot eyes, was the bruising on the neck. It was definitely obvious enough to me that it was clear that he was strangled to death. It wasn’t a heart problem. And clearly, Connor noticed it too, as he got up and approached Hank. “He didn't die of a heart attack, he was strangled.”

“Yeah, I saw the bruising on the neck.” Hank agreed, reading something. “Doesn't prove anything though. Could've been rough play...”

I scoffed. “Not like this, it’s not.” I said, confidentally. “When you engage in breathplay, if you’re gripping so hard that it’s potentially bruising, that’s extremely dangerous. Even gripping hard enough to lightly bruise can cause brain damage. That’s why you really need to know your limits before you try it. The android who did this was choking with the intent to kill. They meant to strangle him to death.”

Hank glared at me. “I don’t want to know how you know that.”

“I’ve dabbled before.” I answered. “Not that hard to figure out.” 

I glanced over at Connor and noticed him staring at me, his LED flickering red before spinning to yellow. “We're missing something here...” He said in frustration, walking over to the android on the ground.

“Think you can read the android's memory?” Hank suggested. “Maybe you can see what happened.”

“I can try.” Connor said hesitantly.

“It might be our best bet.” I agreed. “Androids don’t leave fingerprints, so we’re out of luck there, and we can’t really figure out what happened otherwise. Ben was right, this is kind of a tough one.”

A moment seemed to go by before Hank broke the silence. “Driver's license says: Michael Graham.” He said, violently reminding me of the android that I somehow managed to sneak out of the police precinct earlier before I went back home. It was not an easy feat, and I’m really fucking glad I didn’t get caught. But I managed to smuggle him to my house, get him a change of clothes, cleaned him up, and now, Micheal walks a free man. I just hope he doesn’t get himself into more trouble.  “A credit card, cash in the wallet...Picture of his wife and two daughters...” Yikes! “I wouldn't want to make that call.”

I sort of let out a sigh. “You know, I think his wife might’ve actually dodged a bullet, there.”

“The only way to access its memory is to reactivate it.” I heard Connor say from behind me. I decided to leave the dead body and approach the android, broken on the ground with blue blood coming out of her nose.

“Think you can do it?” Hank asked, coming up behind us.

“It's badly damaged...” Connor pressed his hand on her abdomen, making her stomach deskin itself, revealing what looked like a panel against grey plating. “If I can, it'll only be for a minute, maybe less...I just hope it's long enough to learn something.”

As he opened her up revealing the wiring and tubes beneath, I grimaced in phantom pains. “Poor thing.” I muttered under my breath. “If I had my tools, I might be able to repair her. Compared to Micheal, she might actually be easier to repair, if I can figure out what’s damaged.”

The two ends of a tube inside were dislodged and separated. Connor carefully gripped them and locked them back together, suddenly spurring the android back to life, her LED a constant red. As she gasped and scrambled away, I nearly fell backwards onto my ass, quickly rolling over so I could crouch beside her. Instantly, my response was to reassure her. “It’s okay, we’re not going to hurt you, we need you to tell us what we need to know.” I said softly.

“You were damaged and I reactivated you. Everything is alright.” Connor said succinctly to the reactivated android.

She seemed to relax, taking in the situation. “Is he...is he dead?” She asked.

I nodded. “Tell me what happened.” Connor ordered.

“He started...hitting me...” She began explaining, her LED going back to spinning yellow. “Again...and again. I begged him to stop, but he wouldn't.”

“Did you kill him?” Connor asked.

She blinked at him for a moment before she answered. “No...no, it wasn't me...”

“Were you alone in the room? Was there anyone else with you?” Connor asked, his tone more frantic and urgent.

“He wanted to play with two girls...” She responded, her breath starting to pick up speed. “That's what he said, there were two of us...”

“Where did the other android go? Did it say anything?”

But there wasn’t enough time, as her facial expression instantly dropped, and her LED started winding down to nothing. She was dead. “Jesus Christ...” I breathed. I had never been so unnerved. It wasn’t like when a human dies and slowly bleeds out. It just...stopped. Mid-sentence. It made my blood drain from my face.

“So, there was another android...” Hank remarked. Connor got up, sighing in frustration and I got up with him, facing Hank. “This happened over an hour ago, it's probably long gone...”

“No...It couldn't go outside dressed like that unnoticed...” Connor pointed out, his eyes still on the android. “It might still be here.”

I shrugged. It seemed logical. “Makes sense, I doubt there are a lot of spare clothes either in here or the local dumpsters.” I said, agreeing. “But it has still been an hour. And it’s not like someone immediately noticed a dead body and a missing android. That’s quite the window of time to make an escape.”

Hank seemed to regard Connor for a moment, the android’s gaze fixed on the lieutenant. “Think you could find a deviant among all the other androids in this place?” He asked.

Connor shook his head. “Deviants aren't easily detected.”

I sort of looked at him in surprise. “Damn, so this is stumping you too, eh?”

“Ah, shit...There's gotta be some other way...” Hank muttered, starting to pace. I was trying to rack my brain for some way to solve this, too. But it was difficult. “Maybe an eyewitness? Somebody who saw it leaving the room...”

“Maybe...” I repeated, still trying to think.

“I'm gonna go ask the manager a few questions about what he saw. You let me know if you think of anything.” Hank said, the door opening behind him as he left. 

We followed, seeing no point in staying in the red room. I decided to grit my teeth and try to talk to the manager, seeing as I had managed to think of some decent questions to ask him. But I was definitely not looking forward to dealing with the slimy creep. 

He was standing around anxious, reasonably so, and I stayed right next to Hank with my notepad out ready to take notes. “Hey there, just wanna ask you some questions, sir.” I said in a relatively neutral way.

“Oh, yeah. Sure thing, not a problem.” He agreed, shuffling on his feet.

“Did you know the victim?” Hank asked.

“No, I mean he came in maybe two or three times...I mean these guys they don't really talk very much, you know...” The manager answered without much hesitation. So far, so good. I thought as I jotted down a note. “They come in, do their business and then go on their way...”

Hank nodded. “You ever had any trouble with androids before?”

“No way!” The manager said in a way that really didn’t sound convincing and I had to stop myself from giving him a judgy eyebrow. “Well...Once...” I nodded. Ah, there it is. “We lost a model 2-3 months back, bah...same model...Just vanished, we never found out what happened.”

I nodded, jotting that down, also taking note about the potential questionability of that piece of info. “You probably don't have any CCTV in here, huh?” Hank then asked, looking around the place.

The manager then sort of chuckled. “No way...I mean...” He replied. “This is what people appreciate about Eden Club...discretion. They can come and go without a trace.”

“Sure, sure...” Hank said sarcastically. I nodded. Cool, cool, really helpful, ain’t you? I thought, taking another note. “Eh, business is booming, right?”

“Yeah, can't complain...” The manager answered all too eagerly for my liking. “Good thing about androids is they're up for whatever you want, you won't get any diseases and, uh...they won't tell anyone...So, why not go wild?”

I shook my head, taking another note. Gross. “Huh, yeah...Yeah, the more I learn about people, more I love my dog.”

I smiled, letting out a sigh. “Alright, and I’ve got a couple questions myself, if you don’t mind, sir.” I said. “So, the androids are sort of like the staff, right?”

The manager was laughing at me. “I mean, they’re androids. They don’t exactly need to be paid, little missy.”

I sort of glared at him before sighing. “Okay, that’s my fault, I should’ve phrased that question better.” I conceded. “There are staff entrances and areas where customers and patrons don’t have authorization to enter. Do the androids here have that authorization?”

“Well, yeah...I mean, they have to go somewhere between their, uh, sessions.” The manager answered. “To get repairs and checkups, y’know. Keep them in working order.”

I took another note. “So, where would the most prominent places be for the androids to go between sessions?” I asked.

“Entrance to the warehouse, probably.” The manager answered again. “It’s where our models come in and also where we get them calibrated and built, y’know. All that technical stuff.”

That was all I thought was necessary to know, and my notepad looked like this:

Micheal Graham, death by strangulation about an hour ago

The android that was dead in the room was not the one that killed him

Patrons don’t have a personal relationship with the manager, but this one was somewhat of a regular

Only trouble was an android that disappeared around 2-3 months ago, though that seems a bit questionable (needs to be looked into, potentially)

No cameras or recordings

Business is good, so real reason for foul play or some kind of financial scandal

Androids have staff authorization

Android warehouse most likely place for androids to hide

“Alright, I think that’s a good amount of info to at least have something to go off of.” I said to the manager. “Thank you for your cooperation.”

“Oh yeah, no problem!” He said a bit too hastily. “Just, uh, let me know if you, uh...need anymore help.”

“Excuse me, Lieutenant.” I heard Connor say, making me jump a little as he approached us. “Can you come here a second?”

“Found something?” Hank asked.

“Maybe...” Connor replied, less like he actually had something and more like he had an idea and needed to make sure it actually held any water.

I followed Connor alongside Hank to one of the tubes with an android in it, grimacing slightly as I neared it. “Can you rent this Traci?”

I sort of blinked my eyes at the android in surprise for a couple seconds. “I’m sorry?”

“For fuck's sake, Connor, we got better things to do...” Hank protested in disgust.

“I know I was making jokes earlier, but this is very much not the time to get your rocks off, Connor!” I scolded him. “You can come back and do that later after we deal with the murder!”

“Please, Lieutenant!” Connor pleaded as Hank was turning to walk away. “Just trust me.”

Hank looked like he was going to just leave, but gave up and started to work with the interface, actually going through with a purchase. “Hello. A 30 minute session costs $29.99. Please confirm your purchase.” The machine said.

I blinked a couple times at it. “$30 for half an hour?!” I exclaimed. “Holy shit, what a steal!” Hank then slowly turned towards me, his eyes narrowed into the most judgy look I’ve ever seen him give me. “I’m sorry! I guess everyone else has more expensive tastes in sex workers than I do! Excuse me!” I said, backing away and throwing my arms up. I was a cheapass bitch, and I was not about to be ashamed of it. I say, as I actually kind of have expensive tastes that I really have to fight myself on.

Hank then went back to confirming the purchase and groaning. “This is not gonna look good on my expense account...”

The machine then chimed again. “Purchase confirmed. Eden Club wishes you a pleasant experience.”

“Yeah, you're welcome.” Hank grumbled. 

The door to the pod opened and the android stepped out to greet Hank. “Delighted to meet you.” I couldn’t lie...her voice was doing things to me, and as much as I didn’t like the thought of sleeping with androids, I couldn’t deny the appeal. “Follow me, I'll take you to your room.”

“Okay, now what?” Hank asked Connor annoyedly.

Connor then locked eyes with me, his dark brown irises swirling with interest as I felt myself prickle under his gaze, and by the way his LED was spinning yellow again, I could already tell he was analyzing me. “Hey, don’t look at me like that!” I hissed at him in slight embarrassment. “I stick to my scruples, but I’m only human!”

Connor raised an inquisitive eyebrow at me. “I didn’t say a word.”

I grumbled and turned away from him. “Just do your thing, you fuckin’ roomba.”

Connor then approached the Traci and grabbed the inside of her arm, his left hand deskinning and his LED turning yellow again, showing that he was taking in information. “Holy shit, Connor...” Hank breathed. “What the hell are you doin'?”

After a moment of Connor just standing there holding onto the Traci, he suddenly turned to the both of us. “It saw something.”

“What are you talkin' about? Saw, what?” Hank asked, his brows knitted together in confusion.

“The deviant leave the room...” Connor clarified. “A blue-haired Traci.”

I raised my eyebrows at him. “Damn, we’ve got a lead!”

“Club policy is to wipe the androids' memory every two hours. We only have a few minutes if we wanna find another witness!” Connor said, jumping my instincts into overdrive.

“Oh, great!” I groaned. “That’s just super fucking convenient.” I let out a sigh as I consulted my notepad. “The manager said that androids have authorization to go into staff only areas. If we check those places, we might find her. They’d make pretty decent places to hide.”

“If we go looking blindly, we might alert the deviant to our presence and lose it.” Connor retorted.

“But checking every android on the chance that they’ve all seen her walking around might take too long and waste time!” I pointed out.

“We don’t have time for this!” Hank shouted at the both of us. “Split up, we’ll cover more ground that way.”

I nodded. “Right. I’ll go look in the staff only areas, you check the androids.”

“Right.” Connor agreed.

“Just let me know if you need backup, Rachel!” Hank called.

“Will do!” I was already on my way, scanning every potential entrance and every room. 

Blue-haired Traci, that’s pretty easy to find. So far, I haven’t seen an android with blue hair in here. I thought, wandering around into an offset of the main area that was bathed in more red lighting than purple. “Hey, what are ya doin’ here, Luis?”

Luis! That name shot through me like lightning and I felt my heart start racing as my eyes locked onto where the sound was coming from. “Sorry, I know you’ve got this whole thing going on, but I forgot to tip you.”

The rest of the conversation started sliding off my brain as it started to spiral completely out of control. Glasses...beard...anime obsessed creep look...Luis...I started to breath heavily and tremble, both fear and rage long buried starting to bubble to the surface threatening to drown me. I took a few hesitant steps backward as my mind started to swirl. No...I thought I was rid of him! I thought he was gone for good! But he’s here! And he’s found me! I nearly stumbled. No! No! No! No! No! He’s going to see me and drag me back! I can’t go back! I can’t! Not again! Never again! I can’t ever go back! Never! Never! Never! Never!

--------

“There're androids everywhere! How you gonna tell which one saw the Traci with blue hair?” Hank asked impatiently from behind Connor as he began approaching the Traci dancing on the pole. 

Software Instability ^ But he noticed movement from the corner of his eye and saw Rachel, stepping backwards out of the red room, her heart rate spiked far beyond what was typical of her and she was beginning to hyperventilate. She was showing signs of another trauma-induced panic attack, and Connor followed her gaze and saw a man talking to the manager in the red room.

He approached closer and scanned the man to identify him.

Question Luis 🔓

Locate Deviant

--------

I couldn’t stay. Not while he was here. I ran into the blue room and ran through the first staff exit I could find, and it led down a hallway towards a black door that I tore open without any thought. I was too afraid to think about anything else than getting away and hiding. He’ll find me! I thought frantically, gasping for air and feeling my eyes swell.

I found myself surrounded by several androids that weren’t even activated yet. It was a warehouse of sorts, but I didn’t care, I just ran.

I ran and found somewhere to hide and curl up into a ball until this was all over. I nestled myself in the furthest and darkest corner of the room, rocking myself back and forth in my panic.

And suddenly, I heard whispers around me.

“What are you doing?”

“We have to help her!”

“She’s a human! We can’t trust her!”

“But she’s so scared...she’s just trying to hide...like us.”

“How do we know we can trust her?”

“We don’t...but we can’t just leave her here.”

My eyes started darting around wildly, my hand reaching for my pistol as I pulled it out of my holster, my hands trembling as I held it out and pointed it around me. “W-who’s there?!” I stammered, my voice cracking. Not exactly the toughest image for potentially violent androids to see. “Show yourself!”

I heard the sounds of shoes clacking in the warehouse as I saw two shapes step out of the shadows slowly with their hands up. “Please don’t shoot.” One of them whispered.

In the light, I was able to see them both more clearly. They were both Tracis. One had very short brown hair that was more spiked, and the other was the blue-haired Traci. “Don’t be afraid.” The blue-haired Traci said, gently leaning down to me with her hands still up. “We’re not going to hurt you. Just tell us who you’re hiding from.”

With both Tracis showing themselves to me with a gun pointed at them, not wanting to attack me, I let my guard down and put the gun back into my holster and allowed both androids to approach me.

--------

Probing the memory of a working janitor in the blue room, Connor was able to see where the blue-haired Traci finally ended up. “I know where it went! Follow me!” He announced to Hank who was following him along. He made a mental note to pay Hank for all the funds he had to spend on renting the androids just so Connor could probe them, especially the unsuccessful ones.

“Fucking-A. This is crazy...” Hank groaned, shaking his head. “Let’s go find Rachel, first.” He then looked around. “Wait...where the fuck’s she gone?”

Connor began to feel uneasy at her absence. It hadn’t been long ago. “She was going to check all notable staff entrances for the deviant.” He recalled. “When I saw her last, she seemed panicked and frantic. Like earlier, on the highway.”

Software Instability ^ “Shit!” Hank cursed, throwing his arm down. “We’ve gotta find her before she gets herself into trouble.”

Connor looked around the room. “She couldn’t have gone far.” He said, more panic and worry in his voice than he intended to show. “Maybe she’s closer than we think.”

“Well, find out!” Hank shouted at Connor.

Objective: Find Rachel

Connor tried to locate the android with the best vantage point and approached the one he had checked earlier for the blue-haired Traci and failed to locate her. “This one must have seen her come by this way if she has.”

“We’ve already checked this one!” Hank complained.

“For the deviant.” Connor pointed out. “An hour ago. But Rachel had to have come here within the last two minutes, and he was here.”

Hank shook his head and complied, renting the android again. Connor probed its memory once again and saw the blue room as it was when they arrived. Easily, he saw Rachel rush into the staff entrance.

Software Instability ^ “She went where the deviant is.” Connor said.

“Holy shit.” Hank breathed. “We’ve gotta get to her now! She shouldn’t have run off by herself like that!”

“We don’t have time!” Connor shouted, already making a beeline towards the door. “Hurry!”

“Wait!” Hank said, pushing himself in front of Connor before the android could burst through the door at the end of the hallway. “I'll take it from here.” He ordered.

Connor obediently stepped behind Hank, feeling an urgent need to rush in. If Rachel had gotten hurt, Connor didn’t think he could stop himself from doing something reckless, even if he had promised her he wouldn’t. But he was confident that no harm would come to himself, for her sake.

Objective complete

Hank quietly opened the door into the warehouse, and slumped against the wall with two androids was Rachel, breathing deep and trying to steady her heart rate.

Connor quickly identified two Tracis, including the blue-haired Traci who was standing up in front of Rachel head-on. “Don’t you dare come near her!” She threatened.

“She’s our partner!” Hank shouted at her. “Back off!”

Connor saw Rachel’s left hand clasped around the brown-haired Traci’s hand. But something was different. Something was off.

They were both the same shiny off-white that android arms were made of. And clearly, Connor wasn’t the only one who noticed.

Rachel’s left arm was replaced with an android’s.

“Wait...you’re...?” Hank hesitated, staring at Rachel who was now looking at the both of them. “You’re an android?”

“No.” Connor said, seeing where the arm stopped on Rachel’s left. “She’s missing her left arm. It’s a prosthetic.”

--------

It only took a moment for me to understand. When the brown-haired Traci offered her hand to me, I took it. But I wasn’t prepared for how it would feel to be connected to someone else that way.

I felt her fear. Her love. Her care. And her concern. I felt everything she was feeling. And she could feel mine, I could see it in her eyes.

They were crouched beside me protectively, listening intently to me explaining why I was cowering in the warehouse, a detective amongst the deviants I was tasked to take in. I couldn’t say much, but I think they understood.

And then Connor and Hank came into the warehouse and saw me. They were threatening the Tracis and then saw my arm and realized the truth. 

“Wait...you’re...?” Hank hesitated, staring at Rachel who was now looking at the both of them. “You’re an android?”

“No.” Connor said, his eyes scanning over her arm. “She’s missing her left arm. It’s a prosthetic.”

I felt my heart get stuck in my throat at the sight of him. “Connor.” I whispered, another set of tears rolling down my cheek.

Hank had his gun on the Tracis and I felt my heart stop. “I’m giving you both one last chance! Step away from her!”

“Make us!” The blue-haired Traci challenged before she charged at Hank.

Connor quickly dashed in front of Hank to engage in combat with the blue-haired Traci before the other Traci let go of my hand, and her comfort, understanding, and compassion with her. Once again, I was alone with the darkness of my own thoughts and in front of me was fear.

Fear for the safety of my partners. And fear for the safety of the androids who had just risked theirs to comfort me. “Wait, stop!” I cried.

But they didn’t listen.

Things were moving too fast and I couldn’t pick out details. But I saw Connor and the brown-haired Traci rolling over the different appliances and examination tables near the exit of the warehouse. 

“Connor!” I cried, wobbling to my feet to get to him, but my balance was really poor and I quickly collapsed to the floor as he had. I was definitely in no condition to fight right now.

“Rachel!” I heard him cry back, and I saw him reaching out to me before the Traci was on him again, yanking him away from me.

Suddenly, they both rolled out of the warehouse and I gasped. “CONNOR!” Once again I tried to scramble to my feet to try and reach the android before I suddenly saw the blue haired Traci rush over to help the other Traci up.

I tripped over the ledge as I stumbled forward, landing fully onto Connor. I managed to push myself up and was looking down into his dark eyes, hid LED spinning red.

In only a second, Connor grabbed me and and pushed me up against a nearby box. “Stay here, and don’t try and fight!”

“But you - !”

“No!” Connor insisted sharply. “You’re in no condition to fight, stay there!”

Hank quickly rushed out back into the fight, but was easily outdone by both the Tracis and thrown against the brick wall. As they both rushed towards the fence, Hank shouted at Connor. “QUICK! THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!”

I couldn’t properly walk, so all I could do was watch. But the more I sat there while Connor was dragging them off the fence, the more I couldn’t sit there any more.

I couldn’t let them hurt each other.

They put up even more of a fight against each other, grabbing other instruments in the alleyway. As I stumbled over, Hank glared at me. “Don’t you fucking dare!”

“I...can’t let them...” I managed to choke out as I stumbled my way closer.

As I got close, the brown-haired Traci threw a garbage can at Connor, and before I knew it, he had a gun drawn on them.

I felt my heart stop for a moment, thinking he was going to kill her.

But instead, he lowered his gun and was kicked to the ground. And the fighting stopped. It was only for a second, but I saw it clear as day.

But before I could process it any further, I tripped and collapsed onto the ground with a loud grunt. “Rachel!” Connor cried, quickly rushing over to help me up, pulling my right arm over his shoulder and wrapping his free arm around my waist to keep me steady. “I told you to stay out of the way!”

“I couldn’t...” I gasped, heaving heavily. There was more I wanted to say, but I didn’t have the breath or the energy to. I had completely depleted.

The Tracis stayed, and the moment was at a standstill. The blue-haired Traci was the first to speak, facing Connor directly, the brown-haired Traci behind her. “When that man broke the other Traci...I knew I was next...” She began, with a snarl in her strained voice. “I was so scared...I begged him to stop, but he wouldn't...” She continued, her voice further breaking. “And so I put my hands around his throat, and I squeezed...until he stopped moving...I didn't mean to kill him...I just wanted to stay alive...get back to the one I love.” She looked over at the other Traci, a tender smile on her lips. A sigh escaped my own at the sight. It was both one of relief and one of admiration. “I wanted her to hold me in her arms again...make me forget about the humans...their smell of sweat and their dirty words...” She looked over at me when she said that, and I felt the meaning behind it like a stab in my chest.

The brown-haired Traci stepped closer, addressing Connor as well. “Take care of her.” She said, gesturing to me. “She needs your help.” I swallowed hard, knowing about the conversation I was going to have to have with them after this. “Come on, let's go.” She said to the blue-haired Traci.

Hand in hand, the pair of androids jumped the fence and disappeared into the rainy night. Like that, the ordeal was over. I looked over at Connor, the android looking lost and unsure for the first time I’d really seen in him. “Connor...y-you...” I stammered, causing him to look over at me. “You let them go...”

He blinked a couple times, his mouth agape, but no words coming out. “I...”

“It's probably better this way...” Hank said, interrupting what Connor was going to say before he walked over to me. “You feelin’ okay, kid?”

“Yeah...I just...” I gasped, suddenly pulling away from Connor, collapsing onto the ground as I felt my stomach lurch.

“Hey, kid!”

I barely heard Hank cry out before I was throwing up into the wall of the alley, all the built up anxiety finally taking its physical toll on me. I could barely register Connor crouching next to me, his hand on my back as I kept vomiting whatever was still in my stomach from today. 

It didn’t take long for my stomach to stop forcing out everything, and I collapsed onto the ground, exhausted and gasping for air. “We need to get you home, Rachel.” Connor said, his hand firmly gripping my shoulder. “Can you walk?”

I felt like it was a stupid question, but I was far too exhausted to bite back with anything, and my mouth tasted disgusting, the acidity of my stomach acid stinging my throat. “Not...without...losing my balance.” I managed to answer.

Without any hesitation, Connor hooked his right arm under my legs and his left cradled my back as he lifted me up in his arms bridal style with ease. “I’ll take you to the car and drive you home.”

I hadn’t been carried like this in many many years, and it was honestly kind of embarrassing. But...I could barely care. And I would’ve had a worse time trying to walk through the club than just letting Connor carry me through.

It didn’t help that Hank was scolding my ear off. “What the Hell, Rachel?!” He growled at me. “You nearly scared me half to death! Don’t ever fucking run off like that without telling us, first!”

I was too weak to really fight him on it. “I’m sorry...Hank...” I apologized meekly. “I was just...scared that...he’d find me...”

“Scared that who’d find you?!” Hank shouted.

“That’s enough, Lieutenant!” Connor told the old man off firmly. “You need to let her rest! She’s in no condition to argue with you! She’ll explain everything when she decides she’s ready to!”

I was sort of taken aback. Both by his brief aggressive protectiveness and by him considering my own feelings and emotional limits. No doubt, he remembered my reaction to the incident on the highway this morning and how long it took me to be ready to accept Connor’s apology for it. Hank clammed up as Connor carried me through the warehouse.

As soon as we got back into the club, the music was too much and I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I pressed myself further into the crook of Connor’s neck, a gesture I wasn’t sure if I actually did on purpose or not, nuzzling into him as he carried me.

But then, something strange happened as I was being carried through. I could’ve imagined it, because it was so brief and because everything was so much and I refused to open my eyes. But...I could’ve sworn I felt Connor press his cheek into my forehead.

It didn’t take long before I felt the cold air hit my skin and the rain soaking into my pants again. “Lieutenant, I’ll need you to ride in the back seat with Rachel while I drive.” He ordered. “Make sure you look after her while we make our way to her home.”

It was strange hearing Connor give Hank such direct orders, and even stranger to hear Hank comply without a fight. “Sure thing, I’ll take good care of her.”

Connor was standing still for a moment and I could hear Hank getting into the car, opening another door. As gently as I think I’ve ever been handled, Connor slipped me into the back seat next to Hank, the old man buckling me into the middle seat and letting me rest my head in his lap and resting his arm across my chest protectively. “Don’t worry kid, you’re gonna be okay.”

I could only shift and moan in exhaustion. “I know...thanks, Hank.”

The door was then closed in front of me. I then heard another door open and felt the motion of the car moving as Connor got into the driver’s seat and started the car.

After a moment of just the sounds of rain and the car engine working, it wasn’t hard for me to fall into the pit of exhaustion.

The only thoughts I could really hold onto was Connor. Connor lifting me into his arms. Connor telling off Hank just to look after me. 

And the ghost of the feeling of his warm soft skin on my forehead.

---------------------------------

Next Chapter

[nova-kismet]

just finished the first chapter of a quick little fic i’m writing (based on a couple of characters from the d&d homebrew campaign i’m putting together). figured i’d drop it here on the offchance that anyone would like to read it. more below the cut.

~1~               

“It has come time to serve your family once more.”

Mother’s words still tugged at the corners of my subconscious as I hitched my horse by the Market District gates. With an exhausted sigh, I pulled my plain black cloak closer to my shoulders and made my way from the stables up the darkened flagstone streets. Even for near-midnight on a Sunday, the typically busy center of Starfeld commerce seemed strangely deserted. As nice as it was to be able to make my way up the main path without having to weave through a sea of people, I couldn’t stomach another moment of quiet. At this point I was desperate for anything to distract myself from the thoughts racing through my head.

Just a few feet ahead, a weather worn wooden sign marked my destination; The Crossroads Inn. My home away from home.

A tall, iron-framed wooden door stood before me, flanked by two thick stone columns. I could already hear the soft, lilting tune of a lyre coming from within as I approached, accompanied by clinking dinnerware and muffled voices. Sounds like I had dropped by in the middle of one of Hilda’s weekly performances.

As I stepped inside, the strong scent of heady wine and cooked meats filled my nose. The flames in the gilded lanterns lining the crimson-painted walls were low, bathing the few patrons seated underneath them in a subdued orange glow. The diminutive halfling form of the lyre-wielding bard, Hilda, stood front-and-center of the room, swaying languidly with the tempo of the music that flowed from her fingers. A large stained glass window set into the middle of the ceiling reflected shimmering, multi colored light in an intricate geometric pattern on the floor with the full moon just visible beyond its surface.

I made my way straight to the counter off to the right, which was being tended by a familiar Dragonborn man by the name of Alzax. His scaly brow raised as I approached and sat down on a stool. I could tell I was about to receive an enthusiastic welcome, as I normally did, so I raised a hand to him and smiled. Understanding my intentions, he nodded and grabbed a glass from under the counter. While I normally enjoyed his exuberance, I just wasn’t in the mood for it tonight.

“Evening, Zax.” I said as he began pouring a drink. At this point, I didn’t even have to tell him what I wanted.

“Ezra! I wasn’t expecting you here tonight. How’ve you been?” He placed the white wine in front of me and leaned on his elbows as he responded. I pulled a few gold pieces out of my coin purse and laid them down for him.

“Oh, just splendid,” I replied, almost musing to myself. “This past week has been an absolute shitshow.”

Realization dawned on the red-tinged lizardfolk’s face, and he nodded. “I just heard the news today. You’re gonna end up with some Laurelian princess, right?”

“Regrettably, yes.”

“Ah,” Alzax reached across the counter and gave me a hearty pat on the shoulder as I took a long sip of my drink. “Hang in there, big guy. Arranged marriages never last anyway. And besides, I hear Laurelians are big party people. At least there’s a chance she won’t be boring.”

It took an incredible amount of willpower to keep myself focused on the conversation, as the prospect of my future (or lack, thereof) being the topic is nothing short of exhausting. My so-called “Princely Duties” were precisely what I was trying to distract myself from in the first place.

I sighed and held my head up with the heel of my palm, my other hand focused on halfheartedly swirling the glass of pale alcohol in front of me. “As much as I enjoy the notion of living out the rest of my years in eternal party mode, I think I would prefer to do something that actually matters. I couldn’t care less about some King I’ve only ever met twice at political gatherings.”

“Such is the nature of ruling a nation, my friend. If you inherit the throne, dealing with people you don’t give a rat’s ass about is going to be part of the everyday minutiae.”

“I’d rather give that responsibility to my sister. She seems more patient than I am with these things.”

At that moment, Hilda’s final song finally tapered to an end, eliciting a wave of applause from the modest number of patrons across the room. She bowed, left her tip jar and lyre on the table beside her, and sidled up to the counter, taking purchase on a stool at the other end. Alzax regarded me briefly, then moved to attend to her.

With this newfound solitude, I turned to survey the people behind me, searching for any other familiar faces. They were all strangers this time around, but a group stationed in the corner briefly caught my eye-- there were six of them sitting around two tables they had pushed together, carrying on a lively conversation, each with large steins in their hands. As my gaze passed over them, I couldn’t help but notice one of them staring at me.    

I was met with ocean-blue eyes. The emerald-skinned man making careful eye contact with me had his studded leather boots propped up on the table, his feet crossed at the ankles. Covering his shoulders was a Sea Captain’s coat, open at the chest--inky black with silver and red trim. He appeared to be Triton, which was a rare sight in Fallreven, much less so far inland. His watchful eyes made me the slightest bit unnerved, but at this point in my life I was used to people gawking. I almost had to double-take when I saw a faint, wry smirk play across his lips. Shaking it off, I turned around and went back to emptily watching my drink swirl in its glass.

About an hour passed without major incident. I was beginning to feel restless, and the alcohol sitting in my stomach didn’t help. I bid Alzax farewell and exited the inn, not sure where I was headed next. As long as it wasn’t home.

Once back out on the city streets, I walked to the nearest fenced-in platform overlooking the Twine District below and leaned on it, trying to gather my thoughts.

I knew this arrangement would happen eventually, but now its inevitability hung over my head like a dark stormcloud. I couldn’t stand the thought of having to pretend to be in love with a perfect stranger, just so we received outside help for the war with Zhilthorn. I didn’t even want to broach the subject of having kids.

But, Laurelia has what we need to turn the tides. As much as the thought irks me, I would do almost anything to put an end to this ridiculous fighting.

A few minutes passed as I stared blankly at the sprawling residential district below, the cool Autumn breeze ruffling my hair and playing at the edges of my cloak. I couldn’t help but wonder what life as a working-class commoner was like--what it would be like to wake up each morning and not have three handmaidens fussing over me, dressing me up like a doll. Perhaps a simpler life would be more fulfilling.    

I was about to make my way back to my horse when a shout from a few feet away dragged me from my quiet contemplation.

“Oi! If you were trying to be sneaky, you’re not doing a very good job of it!”

I whipped around to face the source of the voice, then was immediately tackled and pinned down by a brawny, shadowed form--almost taller than myself. As I fell to the ground with it, the sound of quick, distant footsteps pounding across the flagstone towards us met my ears. I hardly had time to recover from the initial shock before the glint of a dagger poised above my throat demanded my immediate attention.

“Fuck!” I cursed as I attempted to free my pinned arms and wriggle out from under the masked man’s crushing weight. The knife came down and I threw my head to the side to dodge it, the sharp steel making hard contact with the stone beside me. Not enjoying being pinned against the cold, hard ground, I reared back and slammed my horns into the assailant’s forehead, eliciting an agonized yell. While he was still recovering from the headbutt, I leveraged my weight against his and threw him off, finally scrambling to my feet.

Before my hand could touch the hilt of the sword sheathed at my side, a lithe figure sped up behind the attacker and pierced a rapier through the back of his throat. The would-be assassin’s hands weakly reached up to the hole in his neck as blood began to trickle down, a wretched gurgle bubbling from his mouth. The blade was pulled from his skin and wiped off with a handkerchief as the man eventually quieted and slumped to the ground, a pool of blood gathering by his head.

I let out the breath I’d been holding in through the entire scuffle, and finally got a good look at my savior--it was the Triton man I had seen at the inn just a few moments ago.

“Shit...What a terrible assassin.” I breathed, mostly to myself. After affixing the thin blade back to a belt under his coat, the Triton let out a soft chuckle.

“I’m sure you had it all handled, I was just feeling generous.” He spoke with a pleasant Northern lilt. If honey was a sound, it would be his voice.

He then reached out and brushed some of the dirt off of my cloak with the same smirk he had given me the first time I saw him. “No way he could’ve taken out a battle-hardened Prince such as yourself, hm?” Before I could open my mouth to respond, he winked at me. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell.”

Something about his face made it difficult to focus and find the right words. I instead found myself blushing under his gaze. “Th...Thanks.” was all I managed to get out. Clearly amused by my floundering, he clicked his tongue as he looked down to the corpse at our feet. “The guards’ll take care of him, right?” he quipped, an ironically light tone to his voice.       

“I should hope so.” I replied as I knelt down by the body and peeled his cape away from his chest. My suspicions were confirmed when I spotted a scroll poking out from a pocket on his hip--an illustration of a boar’s head in profile, surrounded by a wreath of thorny vines marked the heading of the parchment. The crest of one of Zhilthorn’s wealthiest families. The letter contained information for a hit and bounty on my head. Not surprising, but not really enjoyable to read with my own eyes, regardless. I sighed and pocketed the note. “I always knew the Vargharods hated me.” I muttered to myself as I straightened back up to my full height. The still unnamed man watched with a curious glint in his eye. Before he could ask any questions, I stepped closer and put a hand on his shoulder.  

“I know we were both just in there, but I believe I owe you a drink…Uh,” I trailed off, just then realizing I didn’t know what to call him.

“Arin. And don’t worry about that, friend. We--or you in particular, should probably stay sober if there could be another hitman on the loose.” he said. My hand dropped back to my side and I nodded, the shock finally wearing off, then the reality of the situation starting to set in.

“I suppose you’re right.”

“If you’re so insistent on repaying me, you could give me a ride up to the palace.” Arin continued. I looked at him for a brief moment, bewildered by his request. 

Seeing this, he pulled a folded note from his own pocket. It bore my family’s seal and the Queen’s own handwriting. “Your ma wanted to see me.” he explained, flashing the note at me.

I suppose I did remember Mother mentioning that she planned on receiving a guest sometime this week. I just nodded and started back on the road toward the Northern Gate. “This way, then.” He followed behind me without a word.     

[areyoureadingthis8]

To all the tears I’ve cried in 2020

2020 What a dumpster fire eh?

I want to start off by acknowledging that we’ve ALL had a shitty year. I don’t think I’m special, I just like it when people don’t pretend to be something they are not.

I don’t know where to start and what to leave in and leave out at this point so let’s start from the beginning and you can trapse with me through the sewer that is 2020.

New Years Eve 2019- 

After a horrid couple months of our baby being sick and almost dying Matt and I treated ourselves to a night out. We started off at Little Miss Brewing and then went to The Grand, where we originally met. We enjoyed the loud music, jello shots and a midnight kiss.

New Years day we took Shiva to Lake Murray.

January 

My coworker and I joked that there would be a plague since historically that seems to be what happens every 100 years. As Dwight from The Office  would say “I state my regret”.

There also came a day where there was an active shooter outside my work. Our building went on lockdown but for only about 15 minutes. Being in that type of situation really makes you look at things. It’s enough to say I was scared and blessed that it didn’t escalate any further then it did. Only one person died that day, I’ll let you speculate who.

March 

You know what happens next.

Shit hit the fan. Everyone flipped the fuck out. 

At my work, once HR said okay let’s get everyone working remote and home safe people grabbed their desktop workstations off their desk and ran out of the building. It looked like a bomb went off in the office. They took it home and then called the helpdesk asking why it wouldn’t work.

The experience was rather unsettling, and one I don't care to relive.

Matt’s clinic went into disarray with yells of “coronavirus!”. For the first couple weeks they didn’t have access to any tests then later rationed 10 tests. Person number one came in, fresh back from Spain, fever, cough, shortness of breath. Matt was scared but also kind of excited. They gathered all their PPE , strapped up and went in.

Matt’s phone rang about every 5 minutes between calls from his boss, his boss’s boss, Corporate, and HR. Full on crisis mode activated. It was only a couple days before all the PPE was gone.

April 

Depression, devastation, drinking and TikTok lol.

We still didn’t know how serious Covid was but l prefer to err on the side of caution. It’s not like we could go anywhere anyways.. Since we were both essential workers our day to day didn’t change much.  At my work we got most everyone on laptops and completely remote. I would FedEx hardware components where needed, and when things got stressful I would look out the window at the 805 at the same view I had for the last year. The cars still buzzed around doing whatever it was they were doing.  

May 

The parks opened back up. We were able to get Shiva out again.

I still didn’t know anybody that gotten covid.

There was a lot of noise now about masks, freedom, and that covid was bullshit.

People got bored with the lockdowns and closures.

My dad is a hard conspiracy theorist so I always had it in the back of my mind that there is something else going on here.  Trying not to get too far down the rabbit hole; I had told myself “ I’ll know it for sure when I see it.” 

That day came in late May.

I was at work and then all the sudden social media blew up.

There was a police officer with his knee to a man's neck. He killed him.

My first reaction “that’s fucked up”. Then I froze. I watched the police officers' expressions.

There was nothing behind their eyes. They almost seemed amused with themselves.

Deep state got George Floyd that day. Still at my desk it was like I blinked and I saw it. I saw cities burning, cias, death, and destruction all before it happened.  

Our government publicly executed this man with the intent of starting a race war and even encouraged people to go out and protest in the middle of the so-called pandemic. 

One could only assume they wanted more people to get covid and die but that’s not what happened.  Despite the rioting and the protests, it didn’t seem to drive up the case rate.

About 3 weeks in, more people like myself who were on the fence were now convinced and ready to call our government’s bluff. You lied to us fuckers. You lied, locked us down, and destroyed our economy. You killed a man for sport.  I have no problem saying I hope every politician and elitist burns in hell for all of it. Time for the sheep to wake up.

Summer

I took to using my platform to express my disdain. Shocker, people don’t like conspiracy theorists. They can’t handle it. They prefer to live in a world where everything is peachy and their government is good. Believe me when I say it’s not like I want any of these horrible things to happen, but i think it’s important to be open and prepared for the worst. Still I’d have people comment “how sad” I am. Really? Well I think you’re sad for being so closed minded and not opening your eyes to what is right in front of you. They aren’t even hiding it, and yet you defend them.

On a lighter note, we got Shiva a stroller to get around better. 

My 40th birthday consisted of a beach trip,  take out mexican food and mojitos.

October

We’re now to that part of the story.

We celebrated the anniversary of Shiva throwing up all that blood with a trip to Lake Murray. We had taken her to the hospital that night expecting to have her put down but somehow fate intervened. The anomaly was never explained but Matt I believe Shiva knew she was on her way out and she wanted to prepare us.  She was trying to say “Mom, Dad, I’m going to have to leave you soon and I need to know you’ll be okay” because that’s the kind of dog she was.

The last year had not been easy though. Our schedules pretty much revolved around Shiva and her care; Matt left early in the morning for work, and I would leave closer to 9-9:30.  We took turns watching her on a house camera from our phones. Matt would get home earlier to be with her and so on. Looking at Shiva in the moment,  I could see that she wanted to be here with us but her body was failing, she was tired. 

Shiva began to have episodes of coughing and pacing at night. Her lungs were filling with fluid. The lasix and the diuretics were no longer working on her. She was officially in the danger zone, at risk for heart attack, stroke, and assfixation. 

I’m grateful I got to spend her last four days with her.

We had one last consultation. Shiva was slowly suffocating to death and there was nothing that anyone could do about it.

On that last day we pushed her on her stroller for a few hours at Liberty Station. She had steak and eggs and then one of the nicest guys I’ve had the pleasure of meeting came over and did the deed. She closed her eyes and gave us one last famous Shiva smile. 

Such an anti-climatic end to this chapter in our lives. 

November 

Eight months later now Covid is hitting. Suspicious much? Matt’s clinic went into disarray again as he started going to the county facilities twice a week to test.

We went to Arizona for Thanksgiving; had a nice dinner , went for a hike and a walk around the lake.

December

More covid. I know quite a few people that have gotten sick.

No one knows what the future holds. I hope none of these theories come true but we have to be prepared for the worst .  When I get dark Matt tells me not to worry “For every beginning there is an end, and to every end there is a beginning” and that part I’m sure about. 

2020 definitely made me realize I didn't have enough appreciation for the little things before.

To steal  Pam’s last line from The Office “There’s beauty in ordinary things.”

And now it’s New Years Eve

We were outside our house , getting ready to go to Little Miss Brewing when Matt saw a loose dog running up and down our street. We gave him his space in case he runner. Matt called him over “come here boy”. He came right over. He followed us. He came inside the house without hesitation. Such a sweet dog.  I have posted in multiple groups. His picture has been shared a 100 times tonight already. Waiting to see and hear if we find the owner. Call me kookie, but I have no doubt Shiva sent him here. Whether it be just for the night so he has shelter or chance at something else.

Wishing better things for all us in 2021!

[stillalicebyheart]

Maybe Send Me An Angel?

Prologue || Masterlist || AO3 || Next

A/N: Holy cow this took a while to write!! So this is the prologue (also known as a rewrite of the entire first 20 minutes of the musical bc it’s p much the same) to my new Dear Evan Hansen fic, based on @a-ghostly-state ‘s guardian angel au!! (Check out their art, it’s amazing!!) If you’d like to be tagged in updates of this please let me know and I will! Word Count: 5.2k words Warnings: talk of suicide, anxiety, panic attacks. (If I need to add anything else please let me know!)

Dear Evan Hansen, Today is going to be an amazing day, and here’s why: |

Evan stared at the blinking cursor on his computer screen, wondering how he should follow the practiced intro. Why would it be a good day? It was the first day of his senior year, so there’s something. But how would it go? Would he end up making a fool of himself just like every other year? He started typing again, non-stop for a few moments before reading it back to himself.

Because today, all you have to do is just be yourself. But also confident, that’s important. And interesting, or approachable. Mostly yourself though, that’s the big one. Be true to yourself. And don’t worry about whether your hands are going to get sweaty for no reason; you can’t make it stop no matter what you do because they’re not going to get sweaty so don’t even think about it because all you have to do is be yourself. There’s no way it’s going to be like that time you had the perfect chance to introduce yourself to Zoe Murphy after the jazz band concert last year, when you waited to talk to her and tell her how good she was and pretend to be super casual but then you didn’t even end up saying anything because you thought your hands were sweaty (they weren’t, until you started thinking about it) so you put them under the hand dryer in the bathroom and they were still sweaty, just very warm now too.

He read back the words in his mind, lip captured between his teeth while he changed things, tried to make it sound better. He had to read this to his therapist later, and there was no way he could tell her about his weirdly sweaty hands!

Just as he was getting ready to start typing again, his mother walked into his room with a twenty in her hand. He instantly shut his laptop – a force of habit – and turned to his mother.

“So you just decided not to eat last night.”

“…I wasn’t hungry.”

“You’re a senior in high school, Evan, you need to be able to order dinner when I’m not here. It’s even all online now, you don’t have to talk to anyone.” 

“See, that’s not true because you have to talk to the delivery guy and stand there silently while he counts out the change and it’s—“

“This is what you’re supposed to be working on, honey! With Dr. Sherman, talking to other people.” Heidi gave him a half smile as she laid his jacket on the bed next to him. 

“I’m trying.”

“No, I know! I know! And that’s why I made you an appointment with her for this afternoon.”

“I already have an appointment for next week.”

“Well, I thought you could benefit from seeing her sooner. I’ll pick you up after school.” She moved around the room, idly tidying as she went. After a beat of silence from her son, she spoke again. “Hey, have you been writing those letters? ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today’s going to be a great day and here’s why,’ you been doing those?”

“Yeah, I started writing one.” He hesitated. “I’ll finish writing it at school.”

“Those letters are gonna help you build your confidence, you know, seize the day!”

Evan made an uncommitted sound of agreement in response.

Heidi moved back towards the door, pausing in the frame. “I don’t want another year of you sitting at your computer on a Friday night telling me you have no friends.”

“Neither do I.” Evan responded, watching her retreating form.

“Oh!” She popped her head back in, grin forming. “Hurry up and come down for breakfast, I made pancakes!”

He looked at her with an exasperated look. “I’ll be there in a minute.” His words sounded tired, like he hadn’t slept much the night before (a true statement, but not one he wanted his mother to fuss over) and eventually pulled open his computer again. He highlighted all the words on the screen and replaced them with a single thought.

Dear whoever might care,

It’s me again. I’d really like a friend. One who doesn’t just use me for car insurance. Maybe… Maybe an angel? But only a nice one, one that’ll help me through this… mess that I’ve become.

Or, you know, a friend works just as well? We don’t even have to be close, just someone that can talk to me like I’m human instead of a loser.

Either way, thanks.

And with that, he shoved his laptop into his bag and bound down the stairs, backpack strap hanging on his arm just before the end of his cast.

Across town, in the higher end neighborhood (or as Connor Murphy liked to call it, the rich white asshole part of town), the Murphys were having another heated debate on Connor’s attendance.

Or well, it would be, if Larry gave a fuck about Connor and Zoe didn’t sabotage everything in his life. It was more his mother talking to a brick wall and getting grunts in response.

“It’s the first day of senior year, Connor, you’re not missing school.”

He looked over his shoulder at her from his bowl of cereal, a smirk on his face. “No one’s saying I won’t go tomorrow – I’m trying to find a compromise here!”

With a sigh, Cynthia looked to her husband. “Are you going to say anything or are you too wrapped up in your emails?”

“You’re not missing school, Connor.” Larry replied, eyes still glued to his phone.

“That’s all you’re going to say?”

“What do you want me to say, he doesn’t listen to me. Besides, look at him, he’s probably high.”

“He’s definitely high.” Zoe quipped, glaring across at the table to the one in question.

Connor rolled his eyes, letting out a loud ‘Fuck you!’ before laying his head on the table, to which Zoe repeated right back.

“Enough! I do not need you picking at your brother right now. Besides, he’s not high.”

With raised eyebrows, Connor slowly looked up, his eyes meeting Zoe’s as a grin split across his face. After another moment, his mother spoke again.

“Are you high?!”

He turned to her to explain, but was shut down before he could. “I do not want you going to school high, Connor! We have talked about this.”

“Perfect!” He responded, hand wrapping around his bag and making for the stairs. “Then I won’t go; thanks, Mom!”

She let him go without a fight, simply turning to her oblivious husband and daughter. After a few moments of silence, Zoe stood, stating: “If Connor’s not ready in five I’m leaving without him.”

Connor was currently laid across his bed, one hand scrolling through his phone while the other rubbed at the wrist holding it. He knew he had to go to school – not all day, but enough to please his mother at the very least. And if he hurried he could ride with Zoe and skip the whole ‘it’s gonna be a great year, Connor, you’ll be in college before you know it!’ lecture that wasn’t really a lecture but might as well have been with how it made him feel. There was no way he was going to college; he was lucky to have made it to senior year – both physically and mentally.

Hell, he’d be lucky to make it to the end of senior year at this point.

With a heavy sigh, he forced himself up and out his doorless frame, bag slung over his shoulder as he bound down the stairs. He quickly swiped an apple from the table before pressing a quick kiss to his mother’s cheek and running out the door to catch Zoe before she left.

“Have a good day!” She shouted; not that either of her heard. She could see Connor with his headphones on and head against the window with Zoe in full driving mode. Another heavy breath escaped as she shut the door, ready for another long day alone.

“How’s it feel to be the first person in history to break his arm jerking off?” Evan heard from behind him, turning to see one of the only people he considered as a friend. Jared Kleinman, whose mother worked with Evan’s at the hospital and he’d known pretty much since diapers, and in general was just a huge dick.

“I-I wasn’t doing that— “

“Paint me the picture: you’re in your room, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram pulled up on your weird, off-brand cell phone…”

“No, shh, that’s not what happened! Obviously. I was… Well, I was just climbing a tree and… and I fell.”

“You fell? Out of a tree? What are you, an acorn?”

“I was, well I don’t know if you know this but I worked this summer as an apprentice park ranger, um, at Ellis State Park? I’m sort of a tree… Expert now, I mean, not to brag… Anyway, I tried to climb this forty foot tall oak tree and-- “

“Then you fell.”

“Well it’s ac- it’s a funny story because there was a solid ten minutes where I just lay there on the ground and any minute now, I was saying to myself, y’know, any minute now someone’s gonna come and help.”

“And did they?”

“No, no body came and that, um… that’s the funny part.”

“Jesus Christ.” Jared was laughing again, and Evan felt himself flare up.

“What did – How was – “ In an attempt to steer the conversation away from himself, Evan stumbled over his words and took a breath to calm down as his fiddled with the hem of his shirt. He ended up mumbling, “You have a good summer?”

While Jared went on about his amazing summer camp, Evan kept his eyes down almost afraid to look up and see the other students streaming in around them; what did they see when they saw him? Could they tell that he was, in his mind, curled into a ball screaming for help and a quiet room but physically just a wound-up toy held in place? He felt like he could explode at any moment, break down into the mess he knew he was, but at school where they’d rip him to shreds for even shedding one tear, it was impossible to have that break. When Jared turned to walk away, the pen in his pocket grew heavy. ‘Have the other kids at school sign your cast’ Mom had said in the car, but would Jared even want to?

“D-Do you, maybe want to sign my cast?”

“Why are you asking me?”

“Well I just thought, because we’re friends— “

“We’re family friends. That’s like a whole different thing and you know it.” Evan had kind of been expecting – well, more than kind of, he’d completely expected nothing less than what he got. “Hey, tell your mom to tell my mom that I was nice to you, or else my parents won’t pay for my car insurance.” He pat Evans shoulder as he moved past the taller boy, halting as he saw Connor Murphy enter the school. Jared, who, very much unlike Evan, wasn’t afraid to say what was on his mind, spoke up enough for Evan to turn around again and watch what was about to happen as the halls cleared for first class.

“Hey Connor! Loving the new hair length, very… school shooter chic.” He said with a shit-eating grin, and Evan felt his pulse shoot through the roof for Jared and the look he was receiving from Connor. If looks could kill, Jared would be more than six feet under, and Connor had a bit of a reputation for being hot-headed; Evan wasn’t really feeling having to figure out how to calm Connor and protect Jared while also not getting involved because why should he, this had nothing to do with him!

“Jeez, it’s just a joke.”

“Yeah, no, I’m laughing, can’t you tell?” Connor’s voice was steady and calm (a bad sign, if you asked Evan, but then again if you asked him everything could be a bad sign) as he eyed Kleinman. After a split second, he took a step forward and raised his tone. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” Jared rolled his eyes, gesturing to the black clad boy. “You’re such a freak.” He commented before turning and walking around the corner, leaving just Connor and Evan standing there. While he didn’t even think about the fact Connor was still standing there, Evan let out a slight, under-his-breath laugh at Jared’s ridiculousness – you don’t make a comment like that and then not expect the person on the receiving end to be mad. Unfortunately for him, Connor took it the wrong way.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?

“What-- “

“Stop fucking laughing at me!”

“I was – I didn’t – “

“You think I’m a freak?”

“No, no I wasn’t— “

“I’m not the freak!”

“I wasn’t laughing a— “

“You’re the fucking freak!”

And with that, Connor Murphy pushed past Evan Hansen and shoved him to the ground. And Evan Hansen sat there, on the floor, for the better part of first hour, waiting for someone to notice he wasn’t in class.

No one noticed.

“Yes, Mom. I get it you have to work.” Evan sighed as he walked into the computer lab. “Maybe… Yes, I finished it, I’m printing it right now… I was… Yeah, it was a good day. Bye.”

He hardly noticed the other people in the room, pulling out his laptop to finish the letter – as much as he didn’t want to, if he showed up to his appointment without it his therapist would get mad and then he wouldn’t be allowed back and he really, really wanted to get better so he had to get this done. Even if it was the most bullshit thing he ever wrote. His fingers hesitated over the keys before he started typing; maybe if he focused on the sound he wouldn’t end up crying.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all, um… This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year because… why would it be? I know, I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe, maybe, I could just talk to her then maybe… maybe nothing would be different at all.

I wish everything was different. I wish I was a part of… something? I wish that anything I said… mattered. To anyone. I mean, face it, would anyone even notice if I just… disappeared tomorrow?

Sincerely, Your best and most dearest friend, Me.

Instead of reading it back, Evan just hit the print button. It wasn’t like what he wrote would matter anyways, Dr. Sherman would see it a ‘progress’ either way right? His words didn’t mean anything, the action is what counts. Really, he should have been by the printer already (who prints something and then leaves it sitting instead of picking it up they’ll think maybe I’m an idiot which isn’t too far off but still) but unfortunately, he found himself lost in thought only to be interrupted by Connor Murphy.

Oblivious as Evan was, you would think he’d notice the only other person in the lab was the same person who pushed him in the hall earlier in the day, but when you’re on the phone and on a mission, it was hard to take in surroundings. To Connor, though, it was just another moment in life; he was always unseen, and if seen just referred to as ‘the freak’ or ‘crazy’ or ‘hothead’. And honestly, being unseen was better than the other options. He was only there to kill time anyways. (Or at least, that’s what he told himself; really, he was looking for statistic rates of successful suicides with different methods.) He’d only picked up Evan’s letter because he was printing a page of his own. So when he looked at the paper and saw ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ at the top, he had no choice but to talk to the kid.

And honestly, he should have probably at least heard Evan out. He did try to explain before Connor blew up and shoved him, but Connor’s temper was always as short of a fuse as any with a lit flame just millimeters away from the end. It wasn’t his fault Hansen laughed at him but he wasn’t going to take it. He’d heard the kid was nice enough so… Maybe Connor could make an effort to become friends with someone. Maybe someone would miss him after he was gone.

A hopeless and useless thought, honestly, but worth a shot in his eyes.

He turned and walked over to Evan with a slight hesitation, trying not to scare the kid. “So,” He started, and of course he still managed to spook him. “what happened… to your arm?” This was foreign for Connor, trying to be nice, so his words were unsure and slow-paced, as if considering each one carefully.

“O-oh, um… I, uh, fell out of a tree actually?” It wasn’t a question, but Evan phrased it like one – it was hard to think right when the guy who caused your latest panic attack was trying to play nice.

“You fell out of a tree.”

“…Yeah.”

“Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” Liar. Your life is the saddest thing.

Evan tried to laugh with Connor, but it ended up coming out scared and half-hearted. “I-I know.”

Okay, this was going somewhat well right? He couldn’t let it die out so fast. “Uh… Nobody’s, um… signed your cast.” And he was back to the calculated words.

“Oh. No, I know.”

“Well, I’ll sign it.” Connor had no hesitation. This was how you made friends, right? Being nice? Signing a cast?

“Oh, y-you don’t have to.” There’s no way Connor Murphy wants to sign my cast.

“Do you, ah… have a sharpie?” Connor took another hesitant step forward; if Evan didn’t want him to sign it, he’d have to say it. He wasn’t backing down now, he was at least going to make an acquaintance.

Evan started digging in his pocket, walking forward. Okay, so maybe Connor Murphy wasn’t the most ideal, but at least his mom would be happy with one small signature, right? He handed the marker to Connor, who in turn grabbed Evan’s wrist just a little too roughly. “Ow.”

“Oh.” He checked Evan’s face for any sign of major discomfort, blinking once before turning back to the cast, writing his name out in large letters. 

“Oh. Great. Thanks.” Evan stated, eyes glued to the much larger than anticipated writing. 

“Yeah, well… Now we can both pretend we have friends.” Connor stated, handing his marker back. His eyes wandered off, away from the situation and how he hadn’t completely fucked it up yet. 

“Yeah, good point…” He vaguely registered Evan’s voice as he started to walk towards the printer, and his real reason for coming over came back to focus.

“Oh, hey is… Is this yours? Um, I found it on the printer it’s, uh…” He glanced at the paper even though he knew what was written there. “’Dear Evan Hansen’, that’s your name, right?”

“Oh, no no no no no, that’s, um…” Evan watched as Connor tried to hand it back, his eyes still on the paper, probably reading it. “That’s just, um, just a paper I have to write, it’s for an assignment— “ 

Evan had reached for the paper, but suddenly the arm holding the paper recoiled to Connor as he started reading aloud. “’Because there’s Zoe’?” He hesitated, not wanting to meet Evan’s eyes. “Uh, is… this about my sister?”

“No, no, not at all.” Evan reached out again to try and take the paper back because no no no this wasn’t happening his words didn’t matter Connor Murphy was not supposed to read this and now he’s going to kill me for having a crush on his sister but Connor moved it out of reach as he took a step back with his eyes glued to the floor. When he spoke again, it seemed as if he was trying to work the whole situation out loud. 

“You wrote this… Because you knew that I would find it.” 

“…What?”

“Yeah, uh… yeah, you saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab so you wrote this and you printed this out so that I would find it.” He’d started walking forward again, the lit match landing on the thread to the dynamite. 

“Um, wh-why would I— “

“So I could read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right?! And then you could tell everybody that I’m crazy. Right?”

“No, I-- “

“Fuck you!”

Instead of giving Evan the slightest chance to explain, Connor stormed off and out of the computer room, slamming the door in his face. 

“No, no, no, no, no come back I really need that back please give it back I need that back so can you please, can you please just give it back!” 

He’d tried to follow, but in his state with shaking hands and tear-filled eyes, it was useless. He stood silently looking through the window in the doorway, attempting to calm himself and work up the courage to follow. It wasn’t until an hour later, though, that he actually did move, and it was only to head home.

Maybe he could explain to Connor tomorrow and he could give it back? And maybe hell would freeze over in the next twenty-four hours.

“A letter to yourself? What the fuck does that even mean? Is it some kind of sex thing…?”

“No! No, it’s not a sex thing, it’s an assignment.”

“Why are you talking to me about this?”

“I didn’t know who else to talk to!” Evan looked away from the computer screen, where he could see half of Jared’s face – he didn’t want to tell Jared but who else could he go to about Connor Murphy, the scariest guy in school, stealing his letter? “You’re my only f-f—family friend.”

“Oh my god.”

“I don’t know what to do, he stole the letter from me three days ago and then he just, he hasn’t been at school since.”

“That does not bode well for you.” Jared stated, leaning back in his chair as he finally looked at Evan for the first time in the twenty-minute skype conversation. 

He was quiet, face flushed again. “What’s he gonna do with it?”

“Who knows? Connor Murphy is batshit out of his mind.” Jared rolled his eyes again, turning away long enough to grab his phone. “Remember he through a printer at Mrs. G in second grade because he didn’t get to be the line leader that day?”

“Do you think he’s gonna show the letter to— ” Zoe? “ –other people?”

A snort of laughter came from the other. “He’s gonna ruin your life with it, for sure. I mean, I would.”

Yet another example of Jared being an asshole, as if Evan didn’t see that every time they spoke. Unfortunately, he didn’t exactly have any other friends, family related or not, so there wasn’t much he could do about it other than sigh. “What do I do?”

“I don’t know! Figure out a way to make Connor not be a freak and give you your weird sex letter back?” He continued scrolling through his phone, and distantly Evan could hear Mrs. Kleinman calling for him. “I gotta go. Listen, if you think of a way to not make Murphy a freak, let me know.”

And just like that, he was alone again. Might as well get started on another letter.

The next day was nothing like Evan thought it would be. One would say it was the day his life drastically changed.

It started with being called into the principal’s office – something that was unheard of for him – and was greeted with two people he’d never seen in his life. “Oh, hello, good morning. Is, uh, is Mr. Howard… Sorry.” He was barging in on something obviously. “I’m sorry, just, um, they said on the loudspeaker for me to go to the principal’s office?”

The male, who looked like a business man, stood up and approached him. “Mr. Howard stepped out.”

“Oh…” Evan took a step back, preparing to go back outside and wait to meet with him.

“We wanted to speak with you privately.” He motioned to the empty chair in front of them. “If you’d like to take a seat?”

Hesitantly, Evan slid into the seat while avoiding the other’s gaze. The air made him worry something was wrong – he’d never seen these people before, had no idea who they were, but they wanted to talk to him in the principal’s office without the principal?

“We’re, uh… We’re Connor’s parents.”

Shit. He started to panic mentally. He showed them the letter and now he’s being kicked out of school because he had a creepy fascination with their daughter and they were filing for a restraining order and—

“Oh.”

--they were going to take him to court over this stupid, stupid letter and he’d never get into college because his record will show he has a restraining order against him. Not like he was getting into any big colleges anyways, but even the smallest bit of hope shriveled up and died sitting in that chair.

The silence was eating away at him as his focus was on a single book spine on the shelf as his mind raced. 

“Who don’t you go ahead and…”

The woman��Connor’s mom – spoke for the first time, and Evan slowly turned his head. “I’m going as fast as I can.”

“That’s not what I said, is it?”

The silence filled the room again as she unfolded a paper.

“This is, uh… Connor… wanted you to have this?”

Looking at the first line, Evan knew it was his letter. The text was like reading an embarrassing story online, and he wanted to melt right out of his chair. He tried to speak, but no words came.

“We never heard your name before.” The father spoke instead, sitting next to his wife. He finally took a moment to take in both of their faces – weary and tired, the mom with tear tracks on her face and the dad with a stern look. “Connor never mentioned you. And then we saw… Dear Evan Hansen--”

“He, uh.” Evan cleared his throat. “He gave this to you?”

“We didn’t know you two were friends.”

Wait. Friends?

“F-friends?”

“We didn’t think Connor had any friends. And then we see this… This letter. And it seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Connor were, or at least for Connor, that he thought of you as…” 

They thought Connor wrote this? To him? And that they were friends? Why would Connor Murphy want to be friends with him? And what was with all the past tense words and where the hell was Connor in all of this?

“I mean, it’s right there, Dear Evan Hansen, it’s addressed to you, he wrote it to you.” His voice was harsher and angrier the longer Evan sat there with nothing to say. 

“You think this, um, you think that Connor… wrote this to me.”

“These were the words he wanted to share with you.” Mrs. Murphy spoke again, quiet and almost as if she would cry again any second. 

“His last words.”

“This is what he wanted you to have.”

“I-I… I’m sorry,” Evan’s mind was reeling at a rate no less than ninety miles an hour. “What do you mean, ‘last words’?”

The pair shared a pained look before Mr. Murphy turned back to Evan while Mrs. Murphy tried to not cry.

“Connor, uh…” There was no easy way to say it apparently, as he took a moment to find his words. “Connor took his own life.”

“He what?!”

“And this was all he had with him, it was folded up in his pocket. And you could see that he was… He was trying to explain it, why he was…”

Evan started shaking, trying to figure out why, how, what, why, when, how, why, why, why? Connor didn’t write this so that means he didn’t write a suicide note and maybe his isn’t actually gone, maybe he just ran off or something. Yeah, they didn’t know if he was actually gone… Except they found his letter in his pocket meaning they had his body…

“’I wish everything was different, I wish… I were a part of something, I wish what I said mattered--’ ”

“Larry, please.” Mrs. Murphy let out a sob, turning to her husband. “Stop it.”

“Okay.” Was the simple response she received, and Evan couldn’t bring himself to look at them both.

“But, this is, this is not, I’m, I’m sorry, I’m sorry but Connor, uh, no, Connor didn’t write this.”

“What does that mean?”

“Uh, Connor didn’t – he didn’t – write this.”

“Larry, what does he mean?”

“He’s obviously in shock.”

Evan’s hands were still shaking, his entire body feeling like it was shutting down.  “No, no, no, I mean, he -- he didn’t, he didn— “

Mrs. Murphy stood up, looking at him desperately. “It’s right here!”

“-- I’m sorry I should, I should just, I need to go can I please go now?”

He was trying hard to not have a panic attack right there in the room with them, standing and throwing his bag over his shoulder as he and Mrs. Murphy both tried to talk over the other. The letter was gripped tightly in his casted hand as he tried to make his way to the door with unsteady legs, and luckily Mr. Murphy interviened. 

“Honey, this is not the time.”

“This is all we have!” She sobbed, her words continuing as she tried to push him away.

“Listen to me! Please, Cynthia!”

“Here, you should uh,” Evan leaned forward, past Larry, to hand the paper back to Mrs. Murphy. “you should take this, please, just take it, please.”

It was quiet again, save for her sniffling and crying, until she froze with eyes glued on Evan’s cast.

“Larry… Look, his cast…”

Mr. Murphy turned and looked at his cast at the same time Evan looked down at it and the big signature Connor had written there just days before. 

“His ‘best and most dearest friend.’”

After that fiasco and locking himself in a stall in the bathroom for two hours texting with Jared (which resulted in, surprise, no help what so ever) and scrolling through Facebook to try and calm down only to be met with memorial posts in Connor’s honor, he finally said screw it and sent a text to his mom telling him he couldn’t do school today and made his way home. That’s where things got even crazier.

Because sitting on his couch, was Connor Murphy.