#anyway my mental health has been kind of shitty since moving back home but i think a huge part of that is that my room is awful | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

gallickingun · 4 years ago

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ding, dong, the witch is dead!

honestly, who didn’t see this coming? lol. but, anyway. i guess this is goodbye! i’ll ramble more below the cut, but just know that over the next couple of days, i’ll be exporting my blog so i can keep what i want, and then this will be the only post left here.

thank you to everyone who i’ve had the privilege of meeting, and those of you who have been so kind as to leave lovely notes on my works, and interact with me over our silly anime crushes. i really appreciate all the kindness i’ve been shown in the anime fandom. some of my best friends i’ve met through this stupid app, but overall, it’s just not a healthy space for me. i’m not blaming anyone else for what this has become, at the end of the day, i created a hell for myself. i’m just tired of trying to rebuild, rebrand, whatever. i’m just tired.

that being said, obviously not everything can always be so lovely. i don’t care about the discourse or the drama or the whatever, but i’m just hoping this post will bring me some closure, and maybe some for those i’ve hurt, whether accidentally or intentionally. if you click read more and you’re upset with what you see, well, idk what to tell you, friend.

i hate that tumblr can be so insignificant, and yet so all encompassing all at once. yes, it’s “just tumblr” and “it’s not that deep” because at the end of the day, it’s just an app. but, unfortunately, behind this app and these blogs are human beings. which means you create real bonds and real friendships, and real feelings get hurt.

i came back to tumblr during a really sad, dark time in my life. and that was honestly my first mistake. i latched on to whoever would pay attention to me, craving some sort of friendship that i never needed before because i always had someone in real life. but i had just moved away from my family, and was starting the process of what would end up being a notsogreat divorce. i felt alone, and was struggling a lot with my self worth, so instead of choosing to be kind, i chose to lash out. regardless of whether or not that was in private dm’s of those whom, at the time, i’d considered friends, it was still inconsiderate and childish of me. i thought i had to be some hateful version of myself in order to prove to other people that i wasn’t as sad about myself as i truly was. the words i said in private were rude, nasty, and just... not who i want to be? and, without going into immense detail, some of those things i wanted to move on from and no longer felt, were then used as weapons and spread around to others who i never intended to see what i’d said.

please, please, PLEASE — be careful what you say. you really never know who is watching, who is going to manipulate you, etc. what you say holds weight, and even if you don’t intend for it to hurt anyone, even if it’s just venting.. i dunno. just, be careful, okay? check yourself from time to time, friend. make sure that you’re not allowing the overall negativity of the world, of your own mind, of others, to affect you to the point that you don’t recognize yourself.

if you don’t know about my lovely little exposed blog, well, you’d probably be the last to know. at least, it feels that way. although in the beginning maybe it was justified? in some right? i’m not sure anymore, really, but regardless—it turned into some sort of stalking experience. at one point in time, i received 35+ messages telling me how horrible i was, telling me to off myself, telling me that my ex did the right thing by leaving me “on the curb”, etc. my full legal name was being released, with the intent to doxx me i’m assuming? i was being told i was “being watched”, which i fully believe was happening, with the consistency of the updates. people who claim to hate me, still followed me with the intent of watching my every move to “see if i’d changed”. i only have received updates through friends, because to be perfectly honest with you, seeing your worst mistakes splayed on the internet and turning you into some shounen villain is NOT the best thing for your mental health. that, and some of the “truths” were half-honesties twisted because i’d be a hypocrite to post private dm’s debunking these things when i was upset with the very same people for posting such things. i’ve addressed some things, such as the racism, so i won’t go into that again, but some of these other instances are stretches, to say the least.

the irony of the whole thing is not lost on me. the very same people who say i only do things for notes/recognition, are doing those very things. those who say i only care about tumblr, are proving that by running a blog dedicated to exposing some twenty three year old idiot on the internet. those who say i use my friends are the same ones who literally lied to my face so they could collect receipts behind my back and then leave me when it got convenient. those who say i talk to “insignificant” blogs to appear invested are the ones calling those blogs insignificant, i never once believed anyone i’ve interacted with was insignificant, contrary to popular belief. everything they focus on ends up being nothing but hypocrisy in the end.

that being said, obviously i truly hurt whoever all is behind this blog. intentionally, or otherwise. and i know that sometimes what you do/say isn’t meant to hurt anyone, however, you don’t get to control how what you’ve done effects others. all you can do is apologize. but, i know a few of them, because based on the “receipts” they’ve pulled together, the stories are too specific to be anything but those people i’m thinking of. i don’t enjoy blanket apologies, but i’m leaving this hellsite, so it’s all i’ve got left.

i’m sorry for giving you the fuel to your fire for this petty agenda, i’m sorry for creating the monster of myself that allowed you to string along this storyline for what seems to be the better part of a year. i’m sorry that i gave you material to fixate upon, rather than providing you with friendship and something better to focus on. i truly hope you can move on now that i’m gone from tumblr, and honestly i don’t plan on coming back, lol. i genuinely, truly, deeply feel sorry for you, and pray that you can turn this obsessive focus from me to something more productive, something healthier.

the angry part of me wants everyone to realize that the start of this, the matchups/refunds situation, was born from this stalkerish behavior. it has taken me months to put the pieces together, because i truly didn’t think someone who i’d called my friend once would ever string together such a lie, or rather an exaggerated, adulterated truth, but i guess it’s what happened, in the end.

there are a lot of, uh, conveniently timed “releases” of receipts even though they were months after the initial occurrence of the offense. i can’t go into each one, because, frankly, there are too many. i just hope that in the wake of all of these horrible exposes of things i’ve done, others are able to reflect on their actions. telling me one thing while currently speaking to another individual and telling them another, blatantly LYING, etc. are all things that i’ve been accused of, and yet they’ve also been done to me. doesn’t justify what i’ve done, nor am i seeking some sort of absolution, however i just hope that these individuals can see their hypocrisy and move forward.

which leads me to my final point — regardless of how shitty someone is, disallowing them the room to grow, stunting their moral/mental growth, is truly the issue. i am not going to sit here and play holier than thou. i know i fucked up. i was a nasty bitch because i was angry at the world, and then that anger was fueled further by consistent situations where i made the wrong friends at the wrong times in my life. but the fact that this exposed nonsense has been dragging on since... july? august? i’m not really sure, but whatever. since it’s been going on, i have been battling with myself and my ability to do the things i love, talk to those i care about, etc. all because i’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting the wrong person, etc. and in trying to avoid it, i’ve been doing the very same thing i hoped to keep from doing.

i never felt like i could apologize to those i wanted to apologize to because it might be received as disingenuous due to the nature of the exposed blog’s very existence “forcing” me to apologize. don’t get me wrong, some of those who the blog tried to coerce me into apologizing to can suck a dick, because there are people that i truly do not feel deserve my apologies, and therefore, will never get them. but, i do feel bad for those i didn’t get the chance to apologize to that i really wanted to. the last thing i’d want is for my apology to be turned into something it’s not, but hopefully everyone who has been affected by my actions can move on with my absence.

and to those of you who feel the need to make public denounces of my name, i hope it provides you the closure you’ve been seeking. truly, i do. but know that i never did anything i’ve ever done with the intent to get ahead or buy someone’s friendship or take advantage of anyone else. if i truly only cared about the things people say i cared about, i would have never made this blog in the first place. i would have leeched off the popularity of my main blog if popularity was all i cared about. i was searching for a home, which, in the end, i burned down myself. me, joking around about follower count and notes, was literally nothing but sarcastic banter that’s been taken out of context. but, i digress.

i am very thankful for those who i can still call my friends, who are willing and ready to have honest discussions with me about the things i’ve said/done and analyze them and help me move forward. therapy, medication, life choices, etc. all have been rolled into me deciding that i’m done letting a silly little app stunt my growth. if the internet was unplugged tomorrow, i know who i’d have and what would matter. i have REAL LIFE to focus on. i am in love and i have beautiful friendships that i want to foster with honesty and kindness. i can only hope that you all have the opportunity to have those very same things.

will i stop writing? nah, dude. no way. i’m just getting started. in my absence, in choosing to stay away from a place that makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety, i’ve delved into my original characters and i’ve written thousands of words that i haven’t felt the pressure to post about. i’ve learned that just because i’m doing something i love, i don’t have to do it for anyone else.

the internet is a funky place, folks. just be careful who your friends are, okay?

anyway. peace out, girl scouts. i wish you all the best 💖

#morgan.txt #tw mental health #tw suicide mention #tw discourse #tw drama #THAT’S ALL FOLKS! signing off xx

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sixstepsaway · 3 years ago

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cw personal stuff, mental health, menstruation, adhd, medication, passively suicidal thoughts

so i have PMDD, which isnt great, and over the last decade or so i've been tweaking my entire life to try and make said life livable

a rundown: if i am unmedicated, have no vitamin supplements and do nothing in particular to handle my pmdd, i have three weeks out of every month where i am incredibly depressed, fatigued beyond reason, passively suicidal (as in: i do not think i would move if a boulder was going to run over me, but i am not going to go onto tinder to try and match with a boulder any time soon), apathetic about everything except (if i'm LUCKY, else the depression is worse) my current hyperfixation, unable to focus on anything (so my adhd is worse, which took me until a year ago to realize) and just...terrible

three weeks of every month

i figured out quickly that the pill helps, but i cant have the combined pill (i have migraines) so i'm stuck with the minipill (which is progesterone only, i believe?) of which one brand doesn't give me horrible side-effects

this brings me down to like.. a week and a half before my period is shitty? still passively suicidal, still terrible adhd issues, but less time

i called up my doctor who offered me antidepressants which i didnt really want and she recommended vitamin... B6? which i take a big supplement of, and i will admit helps a lot

but the thing that i hadnt realized was having a really strong (positive) effect is i started taking 5-HTP a few years ago in the hopes it would combat my depression and apathy, which it does! and i did not realize

until i got on my ADHD medication and came off my daily caffeine supplement (which i was using to self-medicate said ADHD) and the 5-HTP in the concern it might have a bad reaction

i'm being titrated on the ADHD medication rn (so week 1 is 20mg, week 2 is 30, week 3 is 40, week 3 (current!) is 50, and finally week 4 is 60, and the goal is to find the dose that has the best effect on my ADHD

this medication is amazing and my fatigue is all but gone, which is astonishing and makes me want to cry with a combination of relief and, i guess, grief? because i've lost 15+ years of my life to thinking my problem (CFSME, which I might still have but i dont KNOW and honestly probably never will) couldnt be medicated/fixed (CFSME they just send you home to rest and reduce stress like meh over here) and it actually could??? i just had the wrong target?? i thought my brain was okay but my body was fucked but actually my brain was broken this whole time? hahaha fuck

anyway that brings us to today where i am sitting here, really low, genuinely wishing a boulder would hit me up on tinder, not really giving a shit about anything (including going downstairs to wake my ducks up for breakfast, you know, the ducks i've been sewing diapers for, the ducks i love more than life itself), kind of wanting to cry

my apathy came back a week or so ago, and i've realized the apathy is what the 5HTP was effectively medicating as well as it was. and now i checked my bujo and sure enough this time last month was my pre-period week so no wonder i want to goddamn die

and i'm still stuck on mobile data (some guy did 60 in a 20 and knocked out the pole that held up all the wires at the bottom of our street and we've had no internet ever since, we're on tethered mobile data and have been this whole time, i have bought 22GB of mobile data and the first 10GB i went through like a flash because it turned out the tumblr app on my phone was using background data like crazy and i hadnt realized and now i'm refusing to buy more data because this is STUPID) and everything just feels helpless and hopeless

and i'm finally feeling all the things about the fact this could have been fixed. this could have been fixed years ago

i didnt have to live like this

#pp #adhd

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jalapeno-princess · 4 years ago

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“Babe, what are you doing?” You finished folding the top you were currently holding and placed it in to your suitcase before turning towards your boyfriend and observing the look of genuine curiosity on his face. Mark had just arrived home after his shift at the hospital; you had a feeling he must have been exhausted and you couldn’t blame him.

Since a few of his colleagues either called in sick or went on vacation this past week, he’s been working overtime and it was obvious the extra hours were taking a toll on his mental and physical health. But he was never one to complain and he sincerely loved being a nurse. Working in the medical field was one of the more tiresome occupations and so you understood that all he probably wanted to do was fall asleep. It was only 8:30 P.M., however, he would always go to bed as soon as he got home from work no matter what time it was.

Seeing you on the ground right outside of your closet, packing multiple pairs of your clothes away probably confused the hell out of him and he was most definitely not tired at all anymore. Sure, he came home wanting nothing more than to take a quick shower and go straight to bed with you wrapped tightly in his embrace, but now he had other plans.

“Packing.” He began to walk closer to where you were sitting and took his place next to you, his dumbfounded expression didn’t falter nor did it waver. You had to stifle back a laugh; you were confident he had an idea as to what you were doing, so you were well aware that your response wasn’t going to amuse him in any way.

“I can see that. Packing for what?”

“Girl’s trip.” Once you admitted your plans and the reason behind your packing, his look of confusion quickly turned in to that of a frown.

“I don’t remember us making plans to go somewhere. With who? Where are we going?”

“Not we Mark. Just Sophia, Riley, Julia and I.”

“Wait, what? Why? When? Where are you going? Why didn’t you tell me?” As much as you wanted to continue your packing, seeing his broken expression as he hesitantly reached for your clothes; as if he wanted to get you to stop tugged all but gently on your heartstrings.

“I told you a couple of days ago. Right after we finished—you know—“

“You mean to tell me, that you told me you planned on going on a trip with your friends after we finished making love? My head was obviously somewhere else—I was too busy in between your pretty thighs to even care about anything else but this beautiful body of yours—you did this on purpose babe. It’s as if you knew I would try to prevent you from going. I mean, you have every right to go and I’m not the kind of boyfriend to hold you back from having your fun and spending time with your friends, but any minute spent away from you feels like a fucking eternity and it’s sucks. I’m happiest whenever I’m with you and I’m sure you know it by now. No matter how shitty my day is at work, I put up with whatever life throws at me because I know I’m coming home to you. Now you’re leaving me all by myself for God knows how long—what am I going to do without you?”

When he first found you folding your clothes and sorting out your luggage, you found his curiosity extremely adorable. You expected this kind of reaction out of him; that’s just who Mark was. For someone who was only a few years away from reaching thirty, he could be such a big baby sometimes. However, that was a trait of your boyfriend’s that you admired the most about him. He was very sensitive; but that’s because he had one of the biggest hearts that anyone could own and he had a small amount of separation anxiety when it came to you.

It never bothered you though, it just showed that he loved and cared about you with his entire being. That information alone never failed to pull on your heartstrings. Seeing him so fragile right now; probably exhausted beyond belief after a long day yet on the verge of tears at the idea of being alone for a little while made you feel terrible. In the three years of your relationship, you never spent more than three days without each other. Wherever you went, Mark followed and vice versa. If you went to visit your family back home, he was right there next to you. If he went with his friends to an arcade, you would tag along even if gaming wasn’t your forte. A lot of your friends would jokingly refer to you and your boyfriend as magnets. The two of you stuck together like glue. You were never not together other than when either of you were at work.

Out of instinct and guilt for not informing him more about your plans, you crawled over to him and sat on his lap; wrapping your arms around his neck and placed a soft kiss on his jaw. He placed his face in the valley of your breasts and released a soft sigh. Mark was a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words. He would shower you with his love on a daily basis—he did almost every single thing for you. He loved being able to help you and support you in any way he possibly could. If you were tired from taking on more hours at your job; he would cook dinner of the both of you. He would also wash the dishes, do the laundry, sweep and mop your apartment and sometimes he would even prepare breakfast for you and pack your lunches.

Your boyfriend was just a very thoughtful and considerate human being. He was the definition of a gentleman and even if he would remind you that he loved you at least five times a day, you could tell by his many sacrifices; you were his entire world. Hearing him confess how bothered the news of the trip made him only caused you to regret not putting more thought in to your decision. What started off as a joke just to see what kind of reaction you would illicit out of him was now something so much bigger; something that could have been prevented.

“It’s only a week Mark—“

“A week? An entire week? Seriously y/n? How long have you been planning this for and why do you seem so okay with the thought of being away from me?”

“Well, I was actually the last one to know. The girls didn’t tell me until the same night I told you. They just assumed I wasn’t going to go because they all know I don’t want to go anywhere you aren’t. God, we sound so pathetic. Sophia is joining the peace core in July, so she wants to spend as much time with us before she has to go away for two years. I wouldn’t go if that wasn’t the reason why they planned this entire trip. Jackson and Jinyoung seemed to take the news perfectly fine and I’ve heard that they are planning a trip of their own. I’m surprised that they didn’t reach out to you—“

“That’s because unlike them, I’m so far up your ass that I probably wouldn’t have any fun at all and it would be a waste of time and money if I were just moping the entire vacation. Plus, I don’t think I’d want to go with them anyway. The last time we went somewhere together, we almost got kicked out of a karaoke bar because Jackson’s dumb ass was being too loud. Humph, I’m really going to miss you. Damnit, what did you do to me? I never used to be this sappy before but here I am acting like it’s the end of the world since my girlfriend is going somewhere; probably going to have the time of her life with her friends while I do nothing but sit here like a loser until she gets back.”

You giggled softly at his words and beamed up at him; cupping his cheek with your palm before placing a few sweet kisses on his lips.

“We’re driving to Vegas—and luckily they already decided that it’s Riley whose in charge of getting us there so I will make sure to call you and text you whenever I get the chance. Trust me, I already tried to hint towards inviting you but they were quick to disagree. No boys on this trip—“

He pouted frustratingly once you said those words and wrapped his arms even tired around your sides. “Why not? I’m the best boyfriend out of our friend group let’s be honest here baby. The girls like me the most. Jackson talks too much and Jinyoung’s a petty asshole. I’m the quiet, mysterious and lighthearted boyfriend. I promise, you won’t even know that I’m there.”

You grazed your thumb against his cheek; trying your best to stifle back a laugh at his attempts to get you to reconsider. You were confident in the love your boyfriend had for you, but you weren’t sure how far he was willing to go in order to be with you at all times.

“Babe—“

“Fine, fine whatever. Go have your fun, you deserve it for all the hard work you had to suffer through in the last few weeks. But once you’re done putting away all your necessities, I want you on all fours. I need to fuck you tonight—no love making. I’m not going easy on you at all. I’m going to make sure your pussy is numb and your legs are jello once I’m done with you. Remember, five photos a day—make it ten. Two of the scenery, three of your gorgeous face I can never seem to take my eyes off of and five nudes. Oh, and I expect gifts. I want one of those five keychains and maybe a shirt that says I left my poor boyfriend home alone so that I could lose all my money playing slot machines—“

A breathy groan fell from his pretty lips as you elbowed him in his rib cage as your way to get him to stop talking. He was guilt tripping you and you’ve been with Mark long enough to know why he would do all that he did. You were also now very horny. It never failed to make you smile at an idiot knowing how soft spoken he was and how everyone around Mark assumed he must have been such a sweet, introverted guy. If only everyone knew just how much of a dominant, rough, animalistic and forceful man he was in the bedroom.

“That sounds like a great plan. Trust me my love, I’m going to miss you just as much as you’ll miss me. Before we do anything though, what are you going to do while I’m gone?”

“Wish I was a girl. Now, take off your clothes and let me hit it from the back. Maybe I can fuck you so hard you won’t be able to move and I’ll have to nurse you back to health. Preferably with my dick.”

#got7 imagines #mark tuan #got7 #mark tuan imagines #got7 mark

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dumpsiteforfics · 3 years ago

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Yearning - Excerpts From a lonely heart : [ Chapter 4]

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Spencer Reid

Rating: Mature

Genre: Angst and fluff

Summary: In a world where Omegas are rare and treasured, Spencer starts to have feelings for his married boss and pack Alpha, Aaron Hotchner! This is a story of Spencer Reid and Aaron Hotchner who are true mates, but probably met eachother at wrong time. Join me on a journey to find out whether the pining ever ends (it does, I know)

Trigger warnings: mentions of death, suicide, A/B/O, Drugs, Kidnapping, spoilers to criminal minds season 1 to season 6. Also, will include mpreg, at the end.

This is my a/b/o universe for Heid. As the name suggests, lots of yearning and angst followed by a fluff and smut eventually. First chapter might be slower but things will pick up soon. I don’t want to make the story longer, but we will see!!

Also, please check trigger warnings and also let me know if you would like me to add more warnings!

English is my third language so expect grammatical mistakes and typos, I don’t have a beta sorry. Also I hope you will give it some love!! I’m looking forward to the feedback.

AO3 links : Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4

More about this au: Click here

Chapter summary: Reid struggles with his feelings and Gideon decides to not address some issues which should've been addressed. On the other hand, Haley makes an appearance as Hotch goes back home to his family.

After they took Reid to hospital, everyone except Gideon was allowed inside the ward. The ward was on lockdown as that was the process for admitting any Omega and since Reid's Alpha wasn't known yet, Gideon was the only one allowed as he was the medical proxy. Hotch hadn't liked being kept out of the loop but he knew it was a law and the rules were in place for protection of Omega, so kept quiet and waited for Gideon to come back with an update.

When Gideon came back with information, he explained how the injuries aren't going to leave any lasting effect but he was certainly beaten up alot causing terrible physical as well as mental damage. He said Reid was going to be kept under observation for at least two days to ensure he is healing up without any issues and doctor's have recommended sessions with a psychologist to ensure his mental health.

Hotch really wanted to meet Reid, to confirm once again that he was indeed alive and well, but he controlled his instincts. Reid needed space, after the emotional rollercoaster he had been through the past two days, he needed to be away from his conflicting emotions and his overbearing protective urges. Hotch trusted Gideon to take the right decision for Reid's health and as he anyways won't be allowed inside to see Reid today, he decided to just finish up all the chaos that he has to clear up due to the turnout of this case. He gathered the team, telling Gideon once again to reach out if anything is wrong or if Reid needs anything and then they all left for the police station, wanting to close up everything about the case so they can take Reid home as soon as he is discharged.

***†***

Reid felt it was a blessing in disguise that Gideon wasn't an alpha. That's probably the reason his bag was still in Gideon's car and he wasn't questioned throughout the ride about the smell of drugs. Before getting out of the car, Spencer had used his sleigh of hand to slip those vials into the little scent-blocking pouch he carried which held all the scents he wanted for any emergency purpose inside. The pouch and some small scent-blocking bags were a blessing for omegas who wanted to keep the scents that made them comfortable with them without overwhelming others. His pouch held his mother's handkerchief, Ethan's earring and one little bottle of scandle wood scent. And now those vials made their way inside. He knew it was horrible, it was pathetic and it was disgusting, but he was desperate to make sure no one gets their hands on it, he would probably throw them out later, but right now he just needed to know they were there!!

He knew doctors told Gideon about him having traces of dilaudid in his blood and he was waiting for the confrontation. He was waiting for Gideon to storm in and ask him about why he had those vials with him. But when Gideon did come in, his eyes were empty of any emotions. Reid was unable to even gauge how he was feeling because his instincts have been overused and tired. He just listened as Gideon told him that doctors wanted to keep him under observation to make sure he doesn't go through the withdrawal alone without any medical supervision. Reid felt his eyes welling up with tears and he wanted to admit everything to Gideon but Gideon just wiped those tears for him and said, " I know it's difficult, I know you are conflicted by something, but nothing is accidental. You'll get through it, we all do!"

And Reid felt pathetic. How can Gideon be so empathetic when it came to other victims but now he was saying things that didn't make sense? Was this supposed to make him feel better? Because all he was feeling after listening to it was that he was weak for letting his trauma get him to make bad decisions. He felt Gideon was just trying to brush off his responsibilities and wanted Reid to decide everything on his own. And he didn't like it at all. He wanted guidance, he wanted support, he wanted acknowledgement of his suffering, he wanted understanding but he now knew how pathetic he was for even wishing that. He was all alone through it after all!!

He spent the next two days in hospital waiting to go home. The team had come to visit him after closing the case, and he was expecting them to ask him about his trauma, he wanted them to try to understand what he was going through, but he could see how haunted they still looked after everything that had happened. He could sense the dread of those memories in their minds. So he decided he wouldn't ask anyone for anything more. It was his journey, and he will walk alone. He had troubled them enough anyways.

All through this he had observed how their pack Alpha was too quiet. He was always somewhere close to Reid, never letting him be physically alone, but he never talked. His dark eyes were just observing him, trying to find out what was wrong, but Reid didn't want to think about it anymore. Before this case, he would've enjoyed being the focus of that dark gaze, but now he just felt judged, analysed and he doubled up his efforts in making sure to close off his every instinct so Hotch wouldn't realise what was wrong. He needed to let go of those pathetic feelings he felt for Hotch!

***†***

The night they come back home, Aaron waits long enough to strip off his weapons and take a quick bath before pulling Haley close in his lap and burying his face in her neck. He tightened his arms around her, finally letting the control over his feelings slip. Haley's fingers slowly caressed the back of his neck before moving up in his hair, scratching his scalp the way she knew always made him feel better. He relaxed slowly in her comforting embrace. She was his safe haven, she was always there, waiting for him and giving out comfort without asking questions. He knew as a unit chief his workload had increased and there were times when that made her lash out, but it was because she was all alone to take care of their newborn while he was out saving the world. She deserved better, she deserved a partner that gave her time, that made sure to pamper her, that supported her and Aaron couldn't be that. But no matter how much they fought, she somehow knew when he needed comfort and would never fight when such a moment came, just like tonight.

She slowly made them lay down on bed, Jack already asleep in his room. She laid down and instead of snuggling into Aaron's body, she pulled him close so he could be in her arms instead. He laid his head on her chest, listening to her heartbeats, as a beta she didn't have a distinct smell but her cherry perfume always made him feel like he was home. And as they laid there, tangled together, she slowly asked him what had happened.

He didn't want to say anything, mostly because he always avoided sharing the gory details with her, she didn't need to know what shitty situations he had to go through every day. But this time, it was too close, this time his agent was kidnapped and beaten and taken away from the pack. And so he decides to let it all out. Haley just quietly listens as he pours out his feelings, as he recounted everything he felt from the moment he realised Reid was kidnapped. He told her how scared he was to lose the agent that had unknowingly become his friend, someone he relied upon to break through any case, someone who made their team complete, someone who had become so much more than just Elle's replacement in such a short time.

Once Aaron was done purging his feelings, Haley simply asked about how Reid was doing now. She asked if she needed to visit him as the team would get back to work while he would be on forced vacation. And Aaron felt so grateful once again for her support. He told her he will check with Reid and tell her if it's needed, maybe having Jack around will help him a bit. He knew that Reid adored the few glimpses of Jack he could get whenever Haley visited the beauro.

He kissed her lips, trying to show her how much better she always made him feel. She was his everything, from the moment he laid eyes on her, she was the only one who regarded him with nothing but love, even in the moments she should hate him. Aaron never had a great childhood, the constant abuse has made him bitter, angry and then Haley came into his life. She was the reason he didn't turn out to be like his dad. She reminded him that he can be loved, he deserves kindness and although during the initial stages of their friendship he lashed out on her too many times to count, but slowly her kindness and her love won him over. She gave him a reason to look forward to the coming day, she made him feel loved and she taught him how to love her in turn. And now after all these years, she was still here, loving him despite his flaws and shortcomings. He couldn't help but to think if Reid had anyone by his side now, or was he alone. He hoped that he would have someone, he deserved it. He knew he still needed to analyse the flicker of something that he had felt back then when he held Reid in his arms, but right now all he wanted was to be vulnerable in the arms of the only person he had ever loved.

***†***

Taglist: @ssa-sarahsunshine @brillianthijinx @thaddeusly Please let me know if you'd like to be added/removed from this! ❤️❤️

I already had this chapter written and as I had taken a day off I thought of uploading it! Next chapters will take some time! ❤️❤️

#heid #hotchreid #hotch×reid #tw: a/b/o #tw: kidnapping #tw: mention of death #tw: mentions of violence #tw: drugs #tw: mention of abuse #ray's fics

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shortythescreen · 4 years ago

Text

Better.

Summary: The reader has been having a rough mental health week. Their partner, Bloodhound, doesn’t fix it all but they try their best to be there for them.

Pairing: Bloodhound/Reader.

Warning(s): Please be mindful going in that there are pretty vivid descriptions of a depressive episode! Including the reader having not showered, not doing laundry, having issues sleeping. Bloodhound is not a ~fix it~ for the reader’s depression but their presence definitely helps the reader cope. Gender neutral reader.

Author’s Note(s): A commission for my darling @useeer! He was having a rough time and wanted some Bloodhound being there for the reader! This is very light and fluffy and soft but the beginning IS describing a depressive spell so be mindful if that is triggering to you!

This week’s been rough.

You haven’t done much, which is probably not helping, but… Doing things is just so hard sometimes. Finding the motivation to do things is so hard. Things done without motivation feel empty, skeletal. Like you’re a ghost without legs, floating towards the laundry hamper that has been sitting in the corner of your bedroom for the past two days, clearly overflowing. Your ghostly hands phase right through the basket whenever you try to pick it up and it’s exhausting to exert the effort to make yourself corporeal.

Not that you’re not exhausted already. Sleep has been elusive -- to the point that you’ve been randomly napping throughout the day. At night, you lie away, stare at the ceiling, and think about everything from how yogurt doesn’t make any sense to what if a meteor were to crash into the earth right now. Your schedule’s all kind of fucked up, past late-night gaming, past late-night phone calls.

To top it all off, your legs feel like lead whenever you get up to shuffle into the bathroom. Usually it’s just to take a piss but sometimes you stare at your shower curtain and pretend it’s mocking you. Come on, I know you wanna shower. It’s just a little water. What’s so bad about a little water?

That’s on worse days, though. Today, you’re curled up on your couch, scrolling through Instagram, and, well- at least you got out to the couch. Maybe you’ll even turn on Netflix and put on a show you won’t pay attention to. That’s progress, right?

Sure, you’re kind of greasy, and scrolling through Instagram and watching dog videos that half make you want to cry in joy probably isn’t the healthiest way to deal with your… you don’t want to call it an issue but it feels like an issue. Issues. Whatever, you’re out of your room.

The sound of a knock jars you from the daze you’re in and you lift your head. You haven’t ordered anything recently, so you doubt it’s a package, and most of your friends are busy during the week with work, and school, and… Other things. It can’t be them kicking in your door for answers about why you’ve been so absent.

Your partner, Bloodhound, should still be on World’s Edge. That’s only added onto the shittiness of this week. All you’ve wanted to do is curl up under their arm, breathe in the smell of pine, and wood, and all that other stuff they can never seem to wash out of their skin. You told them so on the phone when you first felt your mood start to spiral.

They promised you that you would be able to do that when they got home. That they would like nothing more than to hold you to their chest, to kiss your cheeks and pet your hair again. The affection they only saved for you they let out over the phone and while it made you feel a little better, it almost made you ache even more for their presence.

But they have a job. Well, kind of. A calling. A duty. You’re not sure what word you should use for Bloodhound’s place as an Apex Legend but you don’t want to undermine it. You know it means more to them than it maybe does Octavio, or Elliott.

You glance back down at your phone. Bloodhound isn’t due back in Solace City until Tuesday and it’s only Monday, your phone tells you. Wonder who it could be.

You push yourself out of the hole you’ve steadily worn into your couch when you hear another quick, polite knock on the door and yeah, that sounds like Hound’s knock. It makes your tummy flutter, little nervous tingles. Maybe they’ve come home early? You shuffle over to the front door and creak it open slowly, squinting at the sunlight that instantly filters into your living room.

“Bloodhound?” You intelligently blurt.

Bloodhound is… dressed down. They’re free of gloves and in place of their helmet is a black, cloth face mask, with the fan logo for when they call upon the strength of their Allfather, or whatever crazy magic they do in order to become the beast of the hunt. They’re not even wearing their goggles – instead choosing to don their rare, round red glasses. The sun creates a halo around them, like they’re a fucking angel or something. It feels like they are.

“My love,” they say, and you can hear the smile in their voice. It makes your own lips twitch up, makes you peer shyly up at them through eyelashes. They open their arms and it’s easy for you to fall into their embrace, to inhale the earthy scent that you’ve come to associate with them. God, you missed them.

They tighten their strong arms around you and while your house is already kind of chilly, you relish in how cool their skin is. You twist your head into their chest, letting their heart thump against your nose.

“I thought you weren’t supposed to be back until tomorrow,” you whisper, voice muddled by the mouthful of their shirt you have. They only chuckle, swaying you lightly from left to right, their nose nudging into your hair.

“I was not,” says Bloodhound, “but I missed you.”

Fuck. You sniff, beating back the tidal wave of feelings that well up in your throat. Your fucking partner is the best. For all they are the beast of the ring, the Apex predator, they are also yours. Finally, you release them, shuffling out of the way to let them inside.

The door shuts and without the sun, you realize how dark the house has been. They reach up, tugging the mask from around their ear and suddenly you can see their plump lips, the gold stud that sits on their cupid’s bow.

“Sorry I’m not more…” You motion vaguely down at your sweatpants, the oversized graphic t-shirt you’re wearing, “you know.”

Bloodhound waves a hand. “You needn’t apologize for such things, beloved.”

You guess it’s not all that much of a surprise to them anyway. You and Bloodhound had spoken on the phone three days into their week on World’s Edge. You mentioned you weren’t feeling great, that everything was starting to feel far away even though you hadn’t moved.

They fold their mask in half, resting it on the table next to the couch. Then, they glide into your space, their presence as welcome as a cool breeze on a hot summer day, or the soft hum of a generator turning on during a storm. They take your chin between their thumb and forefinger and then you meet their copper eyes that you swear are all knowing.

“Why don’t we take today to be with one another, hm? I missed you while I was away.” They whisper and their opposite hand slides over your cheek. You wince. How long has it been since you last showered, let alone washed your face?

Bloodhound echoes your thoughts. “When last did you bathe?”

You don’t know what face you make but it must not be pleasant because it gives them all the answer they need. The hand that passed over your cheek finds the nape of your neck and they guide you towards their waiting lips, pecking your forehead delicately.

They detangle from you and begin to busy themselves around your home. They pull a towel from your hall closet then they disappear into your room. Less than a minute later they emerge with a pair of shorts and a sweater you don’t recognize right away. Your heart pangs when you realize it’s theirs.

They sling the towel over their shoulder as they return to you and you could weep at their tender eyes, at the way the little smile has never disappeared from their lips. Like they’re happy to be with you, no matter how shitty you feel. Their fingers weave through your own.

“Come,” they insist, and you are helpless to obey. They guide you into the bathroom, setting down the items they gathered in a neat pile on top of the toilet seat. They pull back your shower curtain and bend over the edge, fiddling with the knobs of your shower before spray begins shooting onto the bottom.

They roll a sleeve up, turning their head to face you as they stick their hand beneath the water. “You will have to be certain it is warm enough for you.”

“Or cool enough. Your showers are hot as hell, Hound,” you say, your lips quirking up. Bloodhound narrows their eyes at you before childishly sticking their tongue out.

“I like to defrost sometimes,” they say and you actually laugh. They beam back at you, gliding over when the water is to their liking and kissing your cheek. “I will be waiting for you when you finish, elskan.”

They kiss your cheek and you sigh, missing their lips as soon as they’re gone. They close the door with a gentle click, and you set to work ignoring your bully of a shower curtain.

The hot spray feels great – though you do wind up turning down the hot and upping the cold just a little. You feel a lot better after you’ve showered. Once you’re clean, you put on Bloodhound’s sweater, and make your way back into your living room.

Bloodhound has tidied up in the time it’s taken you to shower. It’s not spotless, but there’s not garbage sitting on your coffee table anymore and you think you can hear the washing machine running. You’ll have to poke your head into your bedroom to be sure.

“Elliott suggested a film for us,” they tell you from their place on your couch. You hum, shuffling over and flopping into their side. Your arms wrap around their middle and they place an arm over your shoulders. You’re not sure but you think you feel them relax a little more too, like they’re as relieved as you are that they’re back.

“What film?” You murmur, your cheek squished against their chest. They nuzzle their nose into the visible part in your hair.

“Something having to do with cowboys? I believe he said it was a ‘western’.” They say and you snort, your shoulders moving with the motion. They turn their head, resting their cheek on top of your head, and their red curls tickle your skin.

“Are you feeling better, elskan?” They ask you, softly, gently. There’s no expectation in their voice, only genuine curiosity. Maybe a little concern.

“Yeah, a little,” you say. They nod, and the hand that’s been resting on the arm of the couch find yours. Their large fingers wrap around your bandaged knuckles and they drag them up to their lips, gently kissing the tops of them.

“Would you like to talk about your week? You mentioned not feeling well earlier than I was able to escape,” they say. Their use of the word escape makes you chuckle and you shake your head, twisting your chin up to watch them press the backs of your fingers against their cheek.

“No, babe. I’m already feeling better having someone here. And having showered… Thank you for getting away. I know it was probably a pain in the ass.”

Bloodhound shifts beneath you and you adjust, moving into whatever position they’re trying to get you to. You wind up half sprawled out on their body, your legs long on the couch behind your, your chest against theirs as they stare deeply into your eyes.

“I would do anything for you, beloved,” they whisper, like the words are just for you and they can’t risk anyone overhearing them. “I am only sorry I could not be with you sooner. I would have liked to hold you on your sleepless nights.”

“Even if I kept you up?” You whisper.

“Even if you kept me up. Though Artur is quite grumpy when deprived of sleep,” they tell you sagely and your head drops onto their chest, shoulders shaking with laughter.

#bloodhound/reader #bloodhound x reader #apex legends #apex legends imagines #apex #apex legends bloodhound #apex bloodhound #shorty commissions #shorty writes

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eddiemunsonssoulmate · 5 years ago

Text

Shine your light on me

Pairing: JJ x Reader

Word Count: 3.6k

Summary: Reader has a relapse and depression is washing over her again but this time, she has JJ by her side, an unexpected soldier to help her fight the war inside her head.

Warnings: Mention of depression, self harm and scars

Available on: AO3

A/N: This goes to all the people battling with mental health problems. Take care of yourself, please. You are important and worth it. This fic starts quite heavy with a description of depression and dealing with it but has a sweet ending, so it’s more angsty to fluffy and safe to read if you think you can handle the topics. I don't want to romanticize the subject at all, but you don't win a war alone. Talk to someone if you need help. It doesn't matter if it's a family member, your partner, a friend or a therapist.

------------------------------------

There it was again, that feeling you hated more than anything else.

You’ve been fine for weeks. Everything had been okay and now? Now every joy had been sucked out of you by that void of darkness that was about to swallow you back in.

Your room was dark, you didn’t want to see the sun, you didn’t want to be reminded that it was summer and you were supposed to enjoy this time where you didn’t have to worry about school.

School has always been a constant pressure on you. Get good grades, graduate as the top of the class, be better, do better. You loved your parents dearly but they didn’t understand how much pressure they put on you. The constant reminder that you wouldn’t have a good future without good grades was hanging over you like a dark cloud, following you everywhere.

You’ve pulled so many all-nighters so you’d have enough time to study. You didn’t want to disappoint them, you wanted to make them proud and whenever the grade wasn’t an A you felt like a failure. You didn’t want to fail them, didn’t want to fail you. The fear of not having a good future was always present.

And yet here you were, not being able to do anything because everything had just been too much lately. You wanted to be a good daughter, a good friend, a good student but you failed at all of them with your current behavior. You knew and you hated it.

Thankfully your parents were on a business trip, leaving you alone. You had been fine when they had left two days ago but today you woke up and everything had changed. The darkness that you thought you had left all those months ago was back and it felt like a fist was hitting your stomach over and over again.

You were feeling sick and had no appetize, the night had been shorter than expected and you didn’t even know if you should cry or just lay here like you were paralized. What was the point of even getting up out of bed today?

The phone in your hand told you that it was already past noon and you groaned. You woke up in the early morning hours when the sun was going up and you didn’t do anything yet. There was no energy to get up and get dressed, no energy to shower or make food.

The void was filling you up and you closed your eyes, your thoughts filling up your brain. The memories of the start of your depression came back and you pressed your eyes shut as if that would help them make away.

It didn’t. You saw those memories of sleepless nights, lots of tears and blood running down your arms, it all flashed before your inner eyes. Tears were in your eyes now, as always. It was always starting like that. First you’d just spent hours doing nothing except staring at the ceiling and then you’d think, think, think until you saw all those memories you’ve tried to forget and start crying. After that it only went downhill.

You put an arm over your eyes and felt the wetness run down your cheeks. You didn’t want to be like this, you didn’t want to feel like you were broken and needed fixing once again. Nothing could fix you except yourself but how do you do that with no energy left in your body?

The tears were flowing down your face and you could do nothing to stop that.

“I’m sorry”, you sobbed as if someone would be there to hear you.

It was a sorry to your parents, an apology that you knew you should do better and you knew you should be a better daughter.

It was a sorry to your friends, an apology that you knew you’ve not been the best friend and they have to put up with you anyway.

It was a sorry to your teachers, an apology that you’re not getting the best grades even though they are good at their job.

It was a sorry to yourself, an apology that you had those dark thoughts again and didn’t take care of yourself enough.

When you lifted up your arm you couldn’t see much but you knew those faint scars were there. You were so ashamed of them and yet, there was no way to hide them here in Outer Banks. It was way too hot, you’ve tried wearing a long sleeve at the beginning and were happy about every rainy day so you didn’t need an excuse to wear them and yet, it was hopeless. One day you’d cave and show the world what you had done and you could do nothing against it.

A knock at the door made you groan and you chose to ignore it. Probably just the neighbor wanting to get some milk as usual.

You were really not in the mood and didn’t have the energy to get out of bed. You knew you should to, so you could distract yourself but your head was feeling like it would explode, your nose was closed up from crying and your eyes were probably red like you’ve just taken the longest line of some drugs to fuck you up.

There was this feeling of not wanting to feel at all. The feeling of having too many and too little at once. The feeling of drowning and not being able to breathe or think.

This time it was the doorbell and you pressed your pillow to your face, hoping it would be over soon. It was too loud and thankfully silent after a moment only to hear a knock at your window. You couldn’t see outside, the blinds were down but you wanted to kill that person right now.

“(y/n)? It’s me!”, you heard a male voice and swallowed hard.

It was JJ.

You haven’t been with the Pogues for long as you’ve moved here only a couple of months ago. Your parents had thought that moving could help you get out of your toxic environment and help with those feelings you’ve been feeling back then and it really did, for a while.

Everything had been new and exciting and you had a fresh start away from all the people who knew what you had done, away from eyes that were judging you. And maybe, just maybe, your parents had left because they were ashamed of you too. That’s at least what your head was telling you and you wanted to scream at it to shut up but you knew it wouldn’t.

You were wondering what JJ was doing here, were you supposed to meet? You had become close those last weeks even though you barely hung out with them. It was hard to do with long sleeves or even a long sleeves T-Shirt while everyone else was in bathing suits.

“I know you’re there, can I come in?”, he asked and yeah, of course he would know. Your shoes were outside the front door, your bicycle still leaning against the garage and where else would you be anyway?

‘Suit yourself’ was something you’d say if your throat wasn’t so closed up. You didn’t care if he was here or not, you may not want to see any people but then again, JJ was special. Ever since you’ve met him that blonde boy had made you laugh in a way no one else ever did.

You heard the front door open and still lay in bed without your blanket over you because it was too damn hot but also too cold at the same time. When the door to your room opened you groaned and threw your arm back over your eyes, the light too bright.

“What’s going on?”, he asked as he walked over to the windows to pull the blinds up. You hated him as soon as the room lit up with those beautiful rays of sunshine.

“I’m not feeling well”, you mumbled and he frowned at you, lifting your arm up to put a hand over your forehead.

“No fever at least”, he said and chuckled slightly.

“What do you want here?”, you asked and pulled the blanket back over your body, heating up instantly.

“Just checking on you. We were supposed to meet up four hours ago but you never showed up so I wanted to see if you’re okay”, he explained and looked up and down your body. He was a smart boy, he probably knew that something was wrong.

“Yeah, as I said, I’m not feeling too well but I’ll be fine”, you sighed and gave him a fake smile which made him clench his jaw.

“Tell me what’s going on”, he asked suddenly and you blinked at him confused for a moment before shaking your head.

“As I said, I’ll be fine, nothing is going on.” If there was one thing you could do, it was lying about your current situation. You had been doing that so many times before.

“I’m the master at saying I’m fine even when I’m not. You can’t fool me. A fake smile doesn’t help when your eyes are telling a whole other story.” You swallowed hard at those words and especially when he sat down on your bed, looking sternly at you. You knew about his shitty home life but so far, no one had ever looked behind the facade you were putting on.

Tears started to swell up in your eyes again and he saw that, moving over a little to grab your hand in his. “Hey, you can tell me”, he whispered so carefully as if you might break when he was too loud.

“It’s too much”, you started to sob, not even knowing why exactly you started crying again right now. “I feel like a failure. I can’t do anything right. My depression is coming back and I don’t know how to stop this.”

“Oh, princess”, he whispered and pulled at your hand to make you sit up so you could wrap his arms around your body that seemed so fragile right now. You wrapped your arms around his body too, pressing your against him like he was the only thing that kept you from drowning.

You’ve never told him about your depression, about your dark past and yet, it had kind of all spilled out and he didn’t seem to judge at all.

“C’mon here”, he suddenly said and reached under you to lift you out of bed. You didn’t say anything, just pressing your head against his shoulder, hoping he wouldn’t look into your red eyes. You didn’t want him to see you like this and yet, you knew he wouldn’t leave until you’ve felt any better.

Only when your feet touched the cold tiles of the bathroom you opened your eyes again and looked at him. He had a soft smile on his lips while biting his bottom lip.

“You should take a shower”, he simply stated and nodded over to it.

“You saying I stink?”, you said with a sad laugh, trying to cheer up the mood somehow. He gave you a crooked smile and shook his head.

“It’s called hydrotherapy. I’ve uh, heard about it a while back. You have to take a short cold shower, to free up your mind and it also stimulates all those anti-depression hormones. Try it, I’ll wait outside”, he said and patted your head, a touch you’d be missing soon enough.

You’ve never heard of hydrotherapy before but maybe it would help. The fact that he knew about this was quite impressive to you.

When he was about to leave you grabbed his arm to hold on to him. “I can’t.” You bit your bottom lip when he turned around to yourself, you could barely even stand on your own right now, your legs feeling so weak. “Please, stay? I have no energy to do it on my own.”

It was so embarrassing but you’ve told him what was going on, might as well show him the weakness you were feeling deep inside. For some reason, you felt stronger with him by your side.

He nodded and sat down on the bathtub, trying to look away as you tried to take your shirt off but you just let out a frustrated groan when your arms felt like they weren’t even your own limbs anymore.

“May I?”, he suddenly asked and stood up and you just nodded with a whine.

JJ reached for your shirt and pulled it over your head, eyes avoiding to look at your now bare boobs. You appreciated that even though you wouldn’t mind. Maybe it would help with your self confidence if he’d look at you like he wanted you. No one had ever looked at you like that. You’ve never been pretty enough, funny enough, good enough.

He pulled your pants down and you stepped out of them, crawling into the bathtub with the attached showerhead.

“I don’t think I can stand up for so long”, you said as you were crouching in the tub like a little kid. You felt like one, so small, so helpless, at the mercy of your own feelings and weaknesses.

“Alright then but don’t hit me now”, he said with a soft laugh and took his shirt off before getting into the tub and pulling you up. It almost felt like he was pulling you up from your own misery to a safe place, called his arms. He wrapped one arm around you and pressed you close to his body before turning the cold shower on.

You screeched as soon as the cold water hit your skin and he just took in a sharp breath. Your hands clung to him as if letting go would somehow wash you away.

“I fucking hate you”, you mumbled into his chest while your whole body was trembling from the cold but you couldn’t deny that it actually made you feel better, even if it was just a little bit.

“That’s fine with me.” He laughed and pressed a kiss to your head. Suddenly, your body was feeling warm again and you blushed, thankful he couldn’t see it.

The shower didn’t take long and he got out first, lifting you out of it and making sure your feet were on the small carpet in front of the bathtub this time.

He grabbed a towel and didn’t even give it to you but started to dry you up himself. It made you smile because you knew you wouldn’t be able to do it properly.

You closed your eyes when he reached your arms, knowing that he would see those scars there, already expecting a comment about them but he didn’t say a thing during the whole process until he handed you the towel in the end.

“You uh..have to dry the lady parts yourself”, he said with a cough and left the bathroom. You laughed softly at his words and dried the rest of you, wrapping the towel around your body. You could even muster up the strength to brush your hair a little. Daily tasks could sometimes be so overwhelming, so you were proud you managed to do that.

The shower made you feel more awake and more alive but the dark thoughts wouldn’t leave. Memories were still flashing a little before your eyes and you walked out of the bathroom to find JJ. When he was around, it stopped, at least a little.

He was standing in front of your wardrobe and pulled a few things out, carrying them over to your bed.

“I think that should do”, he said and nodded at you with a smile while you took the clothes he had picked. Some of your favourites. Boy had taste. When you looked back at him you saw how he had turned around so he wouldn’t see you get dressed. Silly, he had just seen everything and now he acted like he would see too much?

Thankfully you managed to do it on your own and while you dressed yourself you looked at him, chuckling slightly. “Your pants are dripping on my floor.” He had only taken his shirt off for the shower but not his pants. They were swim trunks but still dripping quite a bit.

“Uh yeah, sorry about that”, he mumbled and you laughed a little, the mood cheering up a little more now. You had no idea what it was about him but when he was here, you felt better. You’ve never realized how he made you feel until today, until the day you needed him the most.

“Okay, done”, you said and sounded almost proud. Normally, you wouldn’t have made it. Even back in the bad and horrible days you barely managed to do anything on your own, especially not shower or get dressed. Sometimes the most you did was go pee.

“Great”, he said and also sounded quite proud of you. He came over to you and lifted you back up in his arms, carrying you over into the kitchen.

JJ had been here before so he knew his way around. He placed you on a seat at the kitchen island and started to look around.

“Why are you doing this?”, you suddenly asked as you leaned on the counter, still feeling insecure about everything.

“Do what?”, he asked back at you like it was the most normal thing to act the way he did right now. No one had ever done this for you.

“Taking care of me”, you mumbled and sounded once again ashamed of yourself.

“Because you’re not doing it, so I’ll do it.” Those words tightened your throat when you wanted to swallow and a new tear left the side of your eye but you wiped it away quickly.

He took care of you because you didn’t do it yourself.

JJ started cooking in your kitchen and as soon as that wonderful smell of scrambled eggs came close to your nose your stomach started to growl loudly. You may not want to eat because you’re not feeling it but your stomach had a whole other opinion on that.

“Food is important”, he said as he put the eggs on a plate and grabbed the well done toast from the toaster and placed it in front of you. “Try to eat, okay?”

You swallowed but nodded, afraid you might not be able to keep it down. The first bite was hard to get down your throat and your stomach made a loud noise again, you were not sure if it was yelling to stop or telling you to continue.

JJ watched you the whole time you were eating and smiled at you. Seeing that smile helped you empty the plate.

“Good job”, he said with a grin and as ridiculous as it sounded, the praise felt good. It was nice to hear someone praising you for such simple tasks and not just when you got a good grade.

“Think you’re okay with walking now?”, he asked carefully as he put the dishes aside and held out a hand to you to help you get up from the chair.

“Yeah, I guess the shower woke my body up”, you said with a nod and he grinned. You took his hand and stood up. To your surprise he didn’t let go of your hand and walked outside with you.

The fresh air felt like fog to your brain for a moment but soon enough you felt energy returning to your body. The wind around your hair and the sun on your face made you smile.. He stopped at the garden swing on your patio and sat down with you, using his legs to make it swing forth and back a little.

It was relaxing but the thing that relaxed you most was his presence.

“Life can suck”, he suddenly said and looked over to you, his blue eyes locking with yours. “Some wounds show on the body.” He placed a kiss on the scars covering your upper left arm and it made you shiver. You thought of these scars as the most disgusting thing about your body and yet he was here, kissing them like they were normal. “But some are only on the inside.” He placed a kiss on the top of your head.

You swallowed hard and tried to keep the tears inside. How could he be so sweet with you? You weren’t worth his attention like this.

“I also know how exhausting it is to pretend you’re fine. You don’t have to pretend with me, you know? I’ll be here if you need me. I promise.” He wrapped his arm around you and pulled you close, so you placed your head on his shoulder and closed your eyes.

It was good to listen to his smooth voice, soothing you while you were slowly swinging forth and back.

“It sometimes just feels like my life is falling apart again. I don’t want it, it’s like-” You struggled to find the right word to describe what was going on in your head.

“War?”, he finished your sentence and you nodded. Yes, it was like a war inside your head, your logical side against all those feelings and emotions you weren’t able to control.

“Yeah, you either win or die trying. I’ve won once but it came back anyway. I’m scared I won’t make it this time”, you mumbled against his shoulder and started to breath in sharply, his smell filling your nose and calming you down before you could think too much.

“You can win again. I’ll fight with you if you let me”, he whispered and pressed another kiss to your head.

You were convinced you could win this war once again now that JJ was by your side.

#jj x reader #jj maybank x reader #jj imagine #jj maybank #outer banks imagine #obx netflix #obx #outer banks #obx imagine #jj maybank imagine

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morethanourdiagnosis · 4 years ago

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Update

Wow it’s been a minute since I’ve been on this blog it seems the last update I did was talking about moving back in with my parents which happened right before the pandemic. Well things have been a shit show since then I’m sure we’ve all had a shitty time since Covid started. It’s been very fucking rocky I kinda wanna start using this blog again as it’s a really good source of positivity and I feel I could use that but also a place to come and vent every now and again about my own mental health struggles. My Grandma died and we had to go to Spain for her funeral like 2 weeks ago we went out for 2 weeks so my mum and her brother could also help get things sorted for my Granddad as she used to take care of all their finances and important stuff. Especially since he’s legally blind & on dialysis & not very well himself. My living situation has progressively gotten worse since moving in and it’s led to the point I am no longer able to stay at home not that my parents are kicking me out but there was an incident that led to bruises around my neck earlier this year so It’s ultimately best we move out for my own sake. We are currently trying to get that sorted me & my fiancé but there’s massive delays in benefits right now & I have no idea when they’ll actually give me an assessment date for my PIP application. However I have got the wheels in motion for the other benefits I need and recently we both got approved saying yes we are not able to work nor expected to look for work which means we’ve had an increase in our benefits. I have been physically not well that started the year before Covid I was under a ton of stress & facing issues w/ my mental health team at the time which only got resolved last year and when I say resolved not much really got done but I at least made a complaint with PALS went through the process & at the very least they took me back under their care realising a severely manic patient under crisis team care twice in two months relapsing in self harm & having multiple A&E visits means hey maybe she does need to see a psychiatrist & maybe discharging her on anti depressants without a mood stabiliser of any kind was a really stupid and shitty thing to do when I have Bipolar & anti depressants WILL cause manic episodes without the intervention of other medications. This is a whole thing I could rant about forever though as you can see this bitch is still bitter. On the upside half the team that was treating me has now left (the good ones left sadly) but it’s an upside because it means when I move out I’ll be put under a different mental health team as I’m moving out off the area they cover. The fact that so many of the good people have left my current mental health team is a good thing in terms of it makes the move less scary bcos all the good ppl have left this team anyways so whats to lose at trying a new team in which I have just as much of a chance of them being shit as the replacements for those who have left my current team. It still sucks though and I totally had a meltdown and cried today when my Occupational Therapist said she was leaving for 12 months because she was going to help me adjust with the move to the new place and it’s scary not having that like I could still get support potentially from the new team I’m under if they have an OT I can see but it’s like not the same as it’ll be someone new I’ll have to build up a whole new level of trust with. Anyways I might come back and use this more I say might mostly because I am all over the place and who really knows. I’ll no doubt be active but not necessarily very often as I am probably going to have to start getting my shit together, sorting through stuff, packing and so on.

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missnxthingg · 4 years ago

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𝕗𝕝𝕒𝕨𝕝𝕖𝕤𝕤 • 𝕥𝕨𝕠

SUMMARY: It’s the first day of senior year. Harrison and Tom got everyone’s eyes on them, but Tom only has his eyes for a certain someone and she’s willing to get to know him better.

Based on my one-shot, Flawless.

PAIRING: Rich!Tom Holland x Rich!Reader (Best Friends to Lovers AU)

WORDS: 9.2K

WARNINGS: Swearing, mentions of sex, underage drinking.

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𝕥𝕨𝕠 • 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕕𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖 𝕝𝕠𝕟𝕖𝕝𝕪

“I can’t fucking believe it!” (Y/N) cursed and pressed her pillows on her ears, groaning in anger. “This is just disrespectful.”

It had been a long day for (Y/N) and the thing she craved doing the most during the whole day was having a chill and early night, but things started to go sideways from the moment she stepped into her apartment. It was the same old chaos, with all the people hired to work for your family running around the house and your mom smoking a cigarette and checking some emails in the living room. She didn’t give two fucks about how her daughter was feeling or even took a good look to see her face. She only mumbled ‘I got a date, so don’t wait up’ and disappeared hours later with a pretty red dress.

The whole night was hard, trying to take care of herself and staying hydrated. Also, it was one of the nights her mental health was getting the best of her. She was feeling lonely and weak, but that was just something that happened a lot and she was getting used to it, even though nobody should get used. She tried to wash it down with hot teas and solo movie night with scented candles and a bubble bath. While she emerged in hot water, she started to think about her life, it was completely shitty and there was nothing she could do about it. Her mother didn’t care about her and her father was never around when she needed it. Also, she didn’t have any true friends and that was what she hated the most because that meant that no one liked her enough to stick around.

And then she remembered the boy she met earlier today. Tom was different than anyone she had ever met and something about him made her want to know him better like she was supposed to know him somehow. The boy didn’t leave her mind during the whole night and it was funny how he just appeared and didn’t leave. There was nothing special about the way they met, he was just nice to her and it made her feel better. Maybe after today, she would have a friend. That was too good to be true, who would want her as a friend anyway?

When tiredness hit her body, she went to sleep or at least tried to, because half an hour later her mom and she could hear the loud giggles and the whisky bottle hitting the edge of the glass. (Y/N) already knew that it was going to be a long night, as usual. But things only started to get worse when her mom got to bed with the guy she was dating. The bed hitting the wall, loud moans and screams, it was like they were the only one in the house.

“Ugh, when I bring boys home, I try to be as quiet as possible. But no, she has to do the loud screaming. That’s not even a turn on.” (Y/N) mumbled to herself as she got up to circle her room as she thought of something to do, but what was she supposed to do? She knew that interfering wouldn’t work and she was too sick to go out and look for somewhere else to stay. So she decided to walk around the house, after all, her mom was too busy to care what she was doing right?

She drank at least three bags of chamomile tea that night, trying to calm down and maybe not shout at her mother once she woke up the next morning to go to class. Now she was even considering not sleeping at all because it would be much worse to sleep for such few hours. God knows at what time her mother stopped screaming and she finally got to sleep, the only thing she knows is that when the alarm clock rang, she was very tired and her head was exploding in headache.

“Ugh, fuck me.” She cursed under her breath and made her way to the bathroom to find some painkillers and take a shower. She might be looking like a fucking zombie, but sure as hell won’t give them the small chance to see that. Makeup helped a lot and she was an expert on making it look natural. She was almost done with her mascara when a knock on the door interrupted her.

“I need to borrow your new Prada heels for a meeting.” Her mother came into the room wearing a silky robe and holding a cigarette between her fingers.

“Good morning to you too, mother.” (Y/N) was clearly in a bad mood, as she always was, not a morning person. “Did you sleep well? Because I for sure didn’t.”

“What got into you?” Josephine searched through her closet for the heels.

“Uhm, I don’t know… Maybe only three hours of sleep on a school night with my lovely mother having the time of her life with God knows who.”

“His name is Garold and he’s a fine man. Be nice to him.” (Y/N) rolled her eyes and started to get dressed since her mother was taking forever to find those heels. She dressed in her common pencil plaid skirt, a white blouse with a bow neck, a black sweater and black oxfords. “Those schools uniforms are always horrible.”

“At least the school is flexible and I can wear it however I want.” She finished her hair in the mirror and took the heels out of the closet to make her mom go away. “I am going to be very clear with you, mom. I don’t ever want to go through this situation again because it’s embarrassing and gross. If it happens again, I’m moving in with dad.”

“Pft, please… You would never go live with your dad because he’s never home.”

“Try me.” (Y/N) threatened. “Now if you excuse me, I have to go to class.”

“What about breakfast? I was thinking about some croissants with you and Garold...” (Y/N)’s mouth fell agape as she gathered all of her things inside her purse and rushed outside the bedroom.

“Never in a million years.” She shouted before rushing downstairs to avoid talking to her mother. “I seriously need to be accepted in a university far away from her.”

Living close to the school was a privilege in New York due to its natural bad traffic. It didn’t take less than 15 minutes to get there, but it was long enough for (Y/N) to settle her breathing and calm down. It had been a long night, but it was her first day back in school and it was her senior year. Everything about it was supposed to be fun, right? And things would always remain the same, her getting there early to eat breakfast from the café across the street, sitting by her window table to read her latest book discover over waffles and a very hot latte. Of course, she had someone to make her breakfast back home, but morning routine was so agitated around her apartment that even on weekends she decides to go out and find herself some breakfast or brunch.

Everyone knew who she was, even the café's barista, who rushed to make her usual order as she walked into the room and mumbled a polite good morning at him. Joey, the barista, was an old fling of hers that nobody knew about, probably because nobody ever knew about who she dated or hooked up and because he was a Columbia kid, working at the café to pay for his bills. Joey was the kind of boy that wasn’t breathtaking, but his cute smile and his introverted side that enjoyed books, hanging out at the bar and having deep conversations was what attracted (Y/N) the most. He was one of the nicest guys she ever went out with, although it didn’t last long. Turns out that he only talked to her in the first place because he knew she had money and he was drowning in his college loan. But it was a nice relationship, one where they would read books to each other, have long conversations by the café window, she’d spend the whole weekend having a sex marathon in his flat. With time she got bored though, it wasn’t her type to be a homegirl. When they broke up he remained respectful, although he still flirts with her every morning as he serves her breakfast.

"Morning, (Y/N). It's been a while." Joey mumbled as he rested her latte in front of her, followed by a plate with a large waffle.

"It's been a while since I've last been to New York." She grinned as she put her hair back in a bun. "I was in Paris."

"I know. You're everywhere. In every magazine, every fashion adds on the internet." He chuckled as he poured the syrup on her waffles. "You look pretty today. A little different than I've ever seen you."

"Different how?"

"You're not wearing big fancy coats or too much makeup. And you look more mature. Flawless, as always." She knew Joey had a hard time after their breakup and maybe he still felt something for her, but he was only a good friend and that was it.

"Thank you."

"I have to go back, but have a nice say." He waved as he walked back to the balcony where customers were waiting.

"You too, Joey." She smiled sympathetically and drove her attention back to the food in front of her. Right now, she wasn't feeling so good to read her newest book. There were days that the only thing she wanted was to sit there by the soft rock music playing in the background, the sound of the coffee machine, the amazing smell in the air and the agitated New York morning routine outside their windows. It was better than having breakfast with her mother and her newest fling.

(...)

Tom woke up from a late night with his brothers and his best mate. After what happened at school, Harrison drove him home and stood over when Nikki invited him for dinner. Also, he knew that Tom needed support after the day he had and to discuss a little more about the girl keeping a smile on his face ever since he left the nursery. After a little confront in the car, Tom opened everything up to Harrison, like he always did, and spared no details. Haz couldn’t swear he never saw Tom so excited about a girl before and he instantly knew that there was something between them. But he didn’t mention it for the rest of the night, too busy with poker and the twins bad jokes being shot through the air. It was past midnight when Harrison left for his apartment and Tom got to bed.

The morning wasn’t generous at all with him and it was like a truck had hit him during the night. He would’ve done anything to just stay in bed, but it was the first day of senior year and he for sure wasn’t going to miss it, especially after the day he had yesterday, meeting a lot of nice people. He wanted to cause a good impression, as always, but there wasn’t much to do when you’re reduced to a uniform. He decided to go with social navy trousers, a white blouse with the collar popping out of a sweater and to finish, a tie, which was mandatory. He’d never used a school uniform before, but he had to admit he looked extremely hot on them.

“Morning mum, dad.” He kissed Nikki’s cheek when he made his way to the kitchen and she was making sure all of her boys were fed up before going out. He tapped his father’s shoulder and gently poured some tea in his cup to sit between Harry and Paddy.

“Morning Tommy. Are you feeling better?” He nodded sleepy and she smiled at him. “I guess poker with the boys helped you.”

“He just loves to lose to me.” Sam pocked his tongue out and all the brothers rolled their eyes. “You’re all just jealous because I won twice.”

“You cheated twice, Sam.” Harry said before attacking the eyes in front of him.

“Do you want something to eat Tom?” Nikki asked and he shook his head.

“Tea is fine mom, I’m not 100% better and I don’t feel like eating.”

“Okay, rush boys. Tom, you still have to pick Harrison at his apartment and I still have two schools to drop the twins and Paddy.” The boys nodded and rushed to finish their breakfast. “Dom, you sure you’ll be fine taking the subway to work?”

“Everybody uses the subway in New York. I’m sure I’ll be fine.” He kissed the top of her head. Dom and Nikki were a team, making it easier to raise four boys, even though there were moments that definitely weren’t easy. But when they look at their kids, they know they’ve made a good job. “Okay, I gotta go. Have a good first day, boys.”

“You too, dad.” They mumbled as they watched the old man walk away from the kitchen.

“Okay, bye. I have to rush.” Tom waved and they all said their goodbyes to the boy.

Being the only one with a car, Tom had to drive to the Upper West Side to pick his best friend, even though he lived right next to the school. Luckily, it didn’t take long until he got to Harrison’s apartment to find him leaned against the building’s walls in his pretty uniform. He dressed up differently than Tom, ditching the sweater and opting for a blazer instead.

“Morning, mate.” Harrison sat inside the car and Tom quickly started to drive again. “Feeling better?”

“A little. But I still can’t eat, too sick to do so.”

“Or are you nervous to meet the pretty girl? What was her name…”

“(Y/N). And no, that’s not because of that.” Liar. It was all he could think about ever since he woke up. Actually, it was the only thing he could think about ever since he left that nursery yesterday. How did that girl shake him up like that after one small conversation? “I’m not sure she’ll talk to me today. She doesn’t seem like the type of girl that likes to hang with lads that aren’t like her. We’re not extremely rich, or famous.”

“Come on, mate. You’re hot, she’s not stupid. At least I think you can hit that.”

“No, I don’t wanna hit that. This one is different.” He sheepishly smiled as he remembered her from yesterday, sitting next to him and keeping her voice soft and low, just for him to hear it.

“You like her.” Harrison smirked and Tom sighed loudly.

“I don’t. She’s just… a friend. Yeah, I think maybe less. She’s pretty, but I don’t think I want to hit that.” He tried to avoid that subject, but Harrison wanted to know more about the girl that made Tom’s eyes shine for the first time in his life. “Because she’s the first girl that made me feel different and I don’t wanna ruin that.”

“Just… be careful mate. She might be nice, but don't forget that she’s a spoiled kid like everyone else in those schools.”

“I’ll be, promise you.” Tom found a parking lot next to school and left his car there.

His new school was cool, but the people were a little… different. They were rich kids, raised as one, so it didn't match either Tom's or Harrison’s personality that much since they couldn't stand those type of people, being raised to use their money wisely and never feel like they’re better than someone because of what they materially have. Still, some people were nice enough to talk to them on the first day. Others looked at them up and down with disdain and arrogance.

Parties were already being planned. The Welcoming Party hosted by Noel Kaim in his big Long Island summer house and there were whispers all around the school that this one was going to be epic since it was Noel's senior year. Everyone in school was always invited, but only a few selected people showed up. Of course, (Y/N) was the most expected to be there since she never misses a party, especially when it’s hosted by Noel.

"I don't know if I'm doing Noel's party this year. Not in the mood." (Y/N) commented when she met up with her friends after a good breakfast. They were all reunited at the restroom getting some final touches in their makeups.

"Come on, (Y/N). Noel is like… your guy. Aren't you gonna show up at his party and claim for what's yours?" Courtney said as she applied some lipgloss in the mirror.

"First of all, he's not my guy. We make out sometimes, and I take him to red carpets and events with me. But that's because I can't show empty-handed." (Y/N) started to braid Stacy's hair as she asked earlier. "Also, I'm getting tired of him."

"Why?" Stacy frowned and (Y/N) shrugged.

"Too clingy." They all laughed together. "S, you should go after him at that party. I know you always flirt, so maybe this should be the best opportunity."

"Won't you be mad about that?"

"No, I swear."

(Y/N) always tried to be sweet with her friends and they normally were sweet back, especially Courtney who is the sweetest girl in the world. But sometimes Stacy seems like she just wants to be (Y/N) and she was tired of it, maybe her hooking up with Noel will get her to stop.

"And Court, you know basketball's team Lamar, right? He seems like your type, you should go for him."

"What? No, no, no. Lamar is way over my league." Courtney chuckled nervously as she changed her lipgloss for mascara.

"Are you kidding me? You're amazing, he would be lucky to be with you."

"It's not like I'm you, (Y/N)." She said in a low tone and before (Y/N) could question it, the bell rang and they had to rush to class.

Classes were just like any other day. It was the first day of the school year and still, things didn't change at all for those who were used to the school. Tom and Harrison had a hard time to pick up everyone's pace, but soon they realised that it wasn't so different from their school back in London. Still, being new in school is always hard and everyone needs some time to adapt.

"So what are you thinking about?" Harrison asked Tom when they sat down to eat lunch together.

"Everything's so different, right?" He grinned and shrugged. "I'm kind of terrified."

"Why would you even be terrified?"

"Everyone around here seems to be working hard to become someone. Great college education and a proper major. I just want to be an actor."

"And aren't you working hard to become it?" Harrison arched his eyebrows and Tom shrugged. "Tom, you're not inferior just because you don't want to go to an Ivy League university and become a lawyer."

"Well, maybe I am."

"Well, if you say so, then so am I. Did you forget that I'm also trying to be an actor?" Tom didn't know what else to say and just concentrated on his sandwich.

"I'm sorry mate."

"It's okay. If you ever wanna talk about this, I'm your guy." Harrison gave him two taps in the back and went back to his food. "Oh, what about that (Y/N) chick?"

What about her? Well, at this exact moment she was sitting in her usual spot by the stairs in front of the school, eating with her friends while they commented on people's dressing. That's something they normally do when they're bored and didn't have much to talk to each other. It always worked to fill the blanks and they didn't need to talk about something deeper or anything else.

"Noel looks good today." Stacy commented and Courtney nodded.

"He looks the same as every day." (Y/N) siped her lemonade as they all observed Noel passing balls with his friends and laughing a lot.

"His hair looks different." Courtney commented and (Y/N) frowned.

"No, it doesn't."

"Not Noel's. Lamar's. He got a buzzcut." She pointed to the boy standing next to Noel, passing a hand on his shaved head.

"It looks ridiculous." Stacy said with a laugh.

"I like it." (Y/N) said and Courtney agreed with a nod. "It gave him a mature look."

"He looks so pretty, doesn't he?" Courtney had full heart eyes when she was looking at the boy, and (Y/N) liked her, so that's why she shouted next.

"Hey, Lamar. C'mere." She signed to the boy as he looked their way. He pointed to his chest and she nodded. Courtney looked like she was about to burst into flames as he approached.

"Hey, (Y/N)." He sat down with them and sent a smile on Courtney's way. This was too easy.

"Hey Lamar, you remember my friends." (Y/N) pointed to the girls and they waved shyly.

"Courtney, right?" He pointed and she nodded with a blush. "And… Stella?"

"It's Stacy." She groaned and started to gather her things.

"Oh, I'm sorry." He apologized and she shrugged.

"Yeah, it doesn't matter anyway. I have to make a call." Stacy walked away as everyone frowned at her attitude.

"So, are you guys coming to Noel's party?" Lamar asked.

"Sorry, I only go to Long Island on vacations." (Y/N) said putting on some sunglasses. "Plus, I have a thing. But Courtney's going."

"Really?" He opened a little smile for her and she nodded with a shy smile. "Cool."

"I have to go, but I'm sure you're gonna take good care of Court, right?" (Y/N) rested a hand on his shoulder and he nodded, looking at Courtney.

"Yeah, of course." He had a playful cheeky smile on his face.

"Are you going to be okay, baby?"

"Yeah. Lamar can keep me company." Courtney pointed at him and that was all (Y/N) needed to hear before stepping up and walking away.

She took the time alone to sit on a bench and read her book since she wasn't in the mood earlier that morning, but after a whole day of boring classes, she was dying to get a little time to just be alone and relax over those thousands of words while eating peaches as she loved to do. But her quiet moment of peace was disturbed by someone sitting next to her and passing an arm behind her back. She knew who's touch it was by now.

"Noel, I need some time alone."

"Hey baby, why are you avoiding me?" He removed a hair from her ear and she rolled her eyes.

"First of all, I didn't give you permission to touch me." She removed his arm from her shoulders and sat away from him. "Second, I'm avoiding you because you're annoying."

"You never called last night."

"I got food poisoning. And thank you for asking if I'm good."

"I didn't know that you were sick."

"Yes, you did. You have a Twitter, everyone in school was commenting about it." She crossed her arms and they remained in silence.

"I missed you when you were gone."

"Yet you didn't call me once." She avoided his gaze, which she knew was locked on her. "You were probably too busy getting wasted in Rio."

"It was Fernando de Noronha."

"I don't even know what that means." She shot up and started to walk away, but Noel followed her. "Stop following me."

"Are you coming to my party?" He asked and she ignored. "Come on, baby, talk to me." He reached for her wrist and pulled her back to him, making her wince in pain.

"Noel, let me go. You're hurting me."

"You can't avoid me forever." His voice sounded harsh and commanding. (Y/N) was trying to remain though with a tight grip on her wrist.

"She asked you to let her go, mate." They heard a voice from behind them and they looked its way. (Y/N) smiled when she saw Tom standing there, eyebrows furrowed and folded arms.

"Hey new guy, you shouldn't get your nose where you were not invited."

"Yeah, I don’t care. I’m not letting you do anything to her."

"Let me fucking go, Noel." She forced her wrist out of his hand and after a lot of debating, he let her go.

"Our talk isn't over." He pointed out before walking back to his friends.

"Don't fucking talk to me." She massaged her wrist and walked Tom's way. He still looking at Noel with an angry face, making sure he walked far away from her. He slipped his hand on her back and pulled her away from the guy, walking towards Harrison waiting in the back.

"You okay?" Tom asked and she shook her head no. "Should we go to the nursery again?"

"No, I'm fine." You didn't dare to look up to him or you would cry again and you were sick of crying in front of Tom. "Noel's an idiot."

"Is he always like this?"

"To me? No. This is new." She shot an angry look at him, now back to playing with his friends. "We used to date. Well, nothing serious though. But he never was aggressive with me before."

"I’m gonna keep an eye on him, okay?" Tom looked angry and full of concern as he analysed her wrist carefully, holding it like it was made of glass. "Come on, let's sit with me and Haz. We'll keep you away from that idiot."

Tom and Harrison were getting out for some air when they spotted (Y/N) fighting to get away from a boy who had a strong grip on her wrist. Tom immediately interfered and got her safely with him and Harrison on another bench.

"Hey, you alright?" Harrison asked her and she nodded.

"Yeah, I guess so." She sighed and fixed her hair. "Sorry, uhm… I'm (Y/N) (Y/L/N)."

"I'm Harrison Osterfield. And it's nice to meet you."

"I met both of you in the worst situation." They laughed together and Harrison sat aside, patting the space next to him so she could sit down. “I’m so sorry, I’m not usually this messed up, I promised.”

“It’s okay. We all have some bad times and it’s not your fault.”

“Especially this one.” Tom still looked angry and was having a hard time to calm down. He was still facing Tom with a red face, crossed arms and eyebrows furrowed. Harrison shot a glance at his friend to make him calm down a little. Tom rolled his eyes and sat next to (Y/N).

“Is that the Noel everyone in school is talking about today?” Harrison asked and (Y/N) nodded. “They are all saying his parties are epic.”

“I’ve been to better ones.” She said. “Noel is one hell of a popular guy and everyone thinks he’s nice and powerful, but he’s so dirty. Ugh, I want to punch him sometimes.”

“Do you know him very well?”

“Better than anyone else in this school. But no one truly knows him, it’s frustrating. You have no idea what he’s capable of. I just thought I was the limit.”

“Well, I guess we all just saw what he can do.” Tom said and Harrison nodded.

“But it’s okay. We’re gonna take care of you.” She smiled at the boys. She didn’t know them very well, but something was telling her that they were very trustable and she could be comfortable around them.

“Thank you so much.”

“Yeah, anytime.” Tom softly smiled at her, making her heart warmer.

“I know we met at the worst time possible. But I would like to hang out with you sometime.”

“That would be great.”

“Do you guys drink?”

“Yes.” They answered in unison, making her laugh. “You wanna make us happy? Get us a pint.”

“I know the perfect place to go to. Maybe Friday night?”

“Oh, it’s my mom’s birthday and we’re going out for dinner. But you two should go and have fun together.”

It was a complicated matter for both of them. They’ve never gone out with another person alone if it wasn’t for a date. Tom didn’t even remember the last time he even befriended a girl without second intentions and he knew that Harrison was trying to get him alone with (Y/N) after long hours hearing him saying that Tom was in love with this girl. And it’s been a while since (Y/N)’s last relationship, but even when she was in France she used those fancy restaurants for quick late-night dates ending up back in her hotel room at the end. What it was like to sit in front of each other with two drinks and just talk without any second intentions?

“I would love to.” Tom said first, trying to take a leap of faith and being confident about going out with her.

“I guess it’s a date.”

(...)

(YN) never invited someone on a date before. She was usually asked on them by other boys. But when she was standing right there in front of Tom, something just made her say that it was alright to go out with him and that’s why she was going through her closet to find a good outfit for her date. Well, it wasn’t exactly a date, was it? Everything just made you so confused. Not knowing what it was made her question about what to choose for wearing, and she nearly emptied her wardrobe to find something nice, which considering its size, was not an easy job.

“What’s wrong with you?” Her mother asked as she came into her daughter’s closet, finding almost half of her closet on the floor.

“I can’t find anything nice to wear.” (Y/N) sighed as she sat down in the chair place right in the centre of a sea of clothes.

“Oh for fuck’s sake. You act as if I’m not your mother.” Josie stepped into the closet and started to look for something fresh.

“Well, we’re not exactly on speaking terms.”

“And that’s on you, sweetie. You’re the one not talking to me.” She went through many skirts that were already on the floor, throwing some of them back when she wasn't satisfied.

“You had crazy monkey sex with some guy and kept me up all night.”

“You’re mad because of that?” Josie did an ugly face looking back to her daughter and (Y/N) rolled her eyes.

“What did you think I was mad for?” She frowned and her mother shrugged.

“About the event the other day. And well, in that case, I should be mad at your for running away and for the day that followed that one. You got yourself inside that hole Noel Kaim calls his bedroom and didn’t come back for two days.”

“You’re friends with his mother.”

“Cornelia is a lovely woman. Can’t say the same about the boys in her family.” Josie threw a leathery black skirt over her daughter and kept searching to match for the uppers. “Well, that woman is wearing the horns of a cuckold, and they’re probably Prada’s.”

“You’re one of the women George Kaim had an affair with.”

“Yeah, and I regret it deeply because that man doesn’t know how to make a lady cum. I wouldn’t be surprised if his wife is also having an affair.” (Y/N) almost choked on her mother’s words, there clearly wasn’t a limit in the words that came out of her mouth.

“Oh God, get out of here!” She pointed the door and Josie rolled her eyes.

“I’m almost done, Jesus…” She threw a black tank top over her daughter’s lap and a leather jacket. “Try these with black high heels or Dr Martens. Also, pretty lingerie underneath it, maybe you’ll get lucky.”

“You’re the world’s worst mother.” Josephine showed her a middle finger on her way out. She came back a couple of seconds later with a cigarette lit up. “What did I ever tell you about smoking indoors?”

“Yeah, whatever. My apartment, my bills, my business.” Josie rambled before taking the cigarette again. “I’m going out with Garold tonight, and will probably stay at his place. So don’t bother about waiting for me.”

“Would never bother about that.” (Y/N) started to change into her clothes. She could say anything about her mom, but she had to admit that Josephine knows how to dress someone up. “At least I can have a proper night of sleep.”

“And if you want to use the apartment later…”

“Please leave.” (Y/N) said as she pointed out the door, already grossed out by that conversation.

“Use condoms.” She shouted from the back and (Y/N) continued to get ready, trying to forget the inappropriate conversation she just had with her mother.

While (Y/N) was finishing getting ready, Tom was trying to find the perfect outfit for tonight, just like she was doing before. See, the thing is that Tom heard many things about her during the week. A lot of people said that she was the kind of girl who doesn’t usually befriend with a boy if she doesn’t want anything else, but she also doesn’t want any commitment. And that kind of made Tom nervous because he didn’t know what tonight meant. Was it a date, or was it just two friends hanging out? But most importantly, did he want it to be a date?

“What are you doing?” Harry asked popping his head into the room.

“Trying to find something nice to go out tonight, but it’s not an easy task when all my stuff is still packed inside many suitcases.” Tom chuckled as he removed many t-shirts from his bag.

“Mate, I’m so glad my closet is already finished.” Sam popped inside the room with his twin brother.

“And now we have a crowd.” Tom chuckled and his brothers stepped into the room, taking their seat in Tom’s mattress since he didn’t have a proper bed yet.

“You already have a date. You’re lucky.” Harry said. “The girls in my school are so hard to get.”

“That’s because you give them the impression that you want something serious.”

“But I do want something serious.” Tom rolled his eyes and took a black shirt to match his jeans. “Sam found someone great, and I want that too. I don’t want to end up like you, miserably chasing after girls.”

“First, chasing after girls is fun. Second, I’m not going on a date, I’m taking my time.”

“You already said to me that you hooked up with a girl after class on Wednesday. That was your third day of classes.”

“Come on, Sam. Look at me, I’m irresistible.” Tom pointed down to his body, which made the twins laugh.

“Oh, do me a favour and tell Haz that I want my Xbox controllers back! He has it ever since we were in England.” Harry mumbled as he replied a text on his phone.

“I’m not hanging out with Harrison. Today’s Phil’s birthday.” Tom said, voice a little lower than before. The twins shared a look once Tom looked away, frowning to each other.

“So you’re not going on a date, but you’re not hanging out with Harrison. Who exactly are you hanging out with?” Sam crossed his arms and frowned. Tom shrugged as he put on his jacket.

“You’re hanging with (Y/N), aren’t you?” Harry asked and it was Tom’s turn to frown, quickly turning his head to the twins.

“How do you know who she is?”

“Harrison told me everything about you two.” Harry shrugged and Tom’s mouth fell agape.

“That bitch.” Tom cursed under his breath.

“So it is a date!” Harry jumped excitedly and Tom took a long breath, clenching his jaw.

“No, it isn’t. I’m hanging out with (Y/N), but we’re going as friends.”

“Yeah, we’re not going to believe you. And honestly, I don’t care.” Sam said and Harry laughed. “I still don’t know who’s this (Y/N) chick.”

“She’s just this girl I met at the nursery on my first day and she’s cool. Like...stupidly cool.” Tom opened a small smile on his lips as he talked about her. “And you know, she’s pretty and everything, but she’s different from anyone I’ve ever met. I’m not wasting that with a meaningless hookup.”

“I can’t believe this…” Sam started with a grin on his face. “Tom actually likes a girl.”

“What?” Tom turned around angrily to find the twins laughing. “I don’t like her.”

“Yes, you do. You talk about her with a big smile on your face, it’s priceless!” Harry pointed and received dirty underwear on his face. “Hey, not cool.”

“Remember me to kill Harrison later. Now, does this looks cool?” Tom showed what he was wearing and the twins analysed it closely. A black t-shirt, dark washed jeans and a leather jacket. He always dresses up simple, but he looks hot with them.

“If you’re planning on getting laid tonight, I think it’s good.” Harry nodded and Tom adjusted his jacket.

“But don’t forget your cologne, since girls are always falling for it.” Tom rolled his eyes and started to push the twins out of the room.

“Yeah, you’re pissing me off. Goodbye!” He slammed the door at their faces and took a second to breathe.

As Tom finished his final details, (Y/N) texted him saying that she was already leaving the apartment to meet him there. He rushed to get his things and come downstairs to find his mother cuddled with his father and younger brother, Paddy. They looked so comfortable that it made Tom want to cancel his thing and snuggle in his mother’s arms.

“Oh, what a handsome young man.” Nikki got out of the couch and walked to her son, giving him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Are you going out with Harrison?”

“He has a date, mom.” Harry interrupted and received a death glare from Tom.

“A date? That’s lovely. I hope it’s a girl that makes you settle for good because I hate having to memorize all of their names.”

“First, even I don’t memorize their names. Second, it’s not a date. I’m hanging out with a girl, but we’re only friends.”

“That’s new.” Dom commented. “Well, take some money from my wallet. Make it a nice evening for her.”

“And be safe.” Nikki kissed his forehead and he smiled before looking for his dad’s wallet to take some money to take off.

New York was beautiful at night, just as much as it was during the day. (Y/N) didn’t make it a secret when it came to love the city and anyone could see it in her eyes, how they shinned as she glanced out the window to watch the lights and the movement around her. Tom was learning to love it too. He came from a big city, probably one of the most popular cities in the world, but New York was slowly owning a place in his heart. It’s been less than a month since he moved here and it’s been such a nice time, especially when he got to meet nice people, just like the one he was about to go meet.

He never would expect that his first outing with a girl around the nightly city would be as a friendly date, but he was so happy to be doing this. It was almost magical the way she made him feel, it was almost like a soulmate connection that pulled them together somehow and he couldn’t help but like it. Even though he loved Harrison and they had been together for years now, Tom had this feeling that (Y/N) was something special in his life. Maybe she had the potential to be his best friend.

"Oh, sorry love. Have you been waiting for long?" Tom said as he stepped out of the taxi to find her standing outside the bar. He only saw her twice with clothes that weren't school uniform and he was pretty sure she doesn't wear fancy dresses all the time, but right now she looked like a real supermodel fashionista. Everything on her matched and fit like they were meant to be worn together.

“Don’t worry, I just got here.” (Y/N) fixed her hair and smiled at Tom. “I liked your jacket.”

“Really? It’s like… super old.”

“Vintage, darling.” She pinched his stomach and Tom smiled. Maybe that was something she always did to people she’s intimate with and now she was doing it with him like they’ve known each other for a long time.

“Well, thank you. Coming from a girl who’s always dressed up flawlessly, it must be pretty good.” He fixed his jacket and she chuckled.

“The perks of being Josephine (Y/L/N)’s daughter.” She shrugged and pulled him inside the bar.

Tom felt like coming home from the moment he stepped into that place. The brick walls, the green leather booths, warm lights and a lot of people united on the tables having a good time. The big bars full of drinks, bartenders and stools so they could sit closer to the drinks. And to finish the decoration, a big neon sign saying “Vertigo”. It was a full pub right in the middle of New York. Tom was fascinated by that place.

“Well, this is familiar.” He pointed out and (Y/N) chuckled, pulling him to sit on the stools.

“I figured you’d like this one because it’s just like a London pub. Maybe this would make it feel like home.”

“Thank you for bringing me here.” She shrugged and sat on a stool by the bar. “I bet you always come here with your friends.”

“No, they would never come here. Not fancy enough for them. They prefer hotel bars and fancy clubs, I can take you there someday.” He sat right next to her and they waited for the bartender to come. “Also, the other bar doesn’t have good beer. The owners from here are British, so it’s supposed to be good.”

“Good evening, miss (Y/L/N). Seems like you brought a friend.” The bartender asked with a strong accent very similar to Tom’s, maybe a little heavier. By his tag name, Tom knew that his name was Oliver.

“Hey, Oliver. This is Tom, be nice to him.”

“Nice to meet you, Tom. What can I get you?”

“Fish and chips and a pint.” Tom said and the bartender smiled with the accent that came out of Tom’s mouth

“One of my lads from England.” He winked and Tom nodded with a smile. “It’s always nice to see someone from back home. Where are you from?”

“London, mate.”

“I’m from Sheffield. And what can I get you, love?” The bartender asked (Y/N) after she went through their drink menu.

“I’ll have a lemon and rosemary gin tonic, please.” The young man nodded and walked away to prepare their order.

“Okay, I officially love this place.” Tom said excitedly, which made (Y/N) laugh. “Harrison will love this one. He’s the one who was always buried inside the pub even before we turned eighteen. The only thing we were against while moving here is that the drinking legal age is 21 and we weren’t ready to stop going to pubs. Even before, we used to hide in a pub that allowed us to drink there and keep it on the low.”

“Yeah, kind of like this place. Although I’m the only one allowed in here. The owners are friends with my dad.”

“That’s why the guy knew your name.” He pointed back to Oliver filling a glass with beer.

“Yeah, that’s Oliver. He’s cute and always serves me the best drinks. I always tip him well, that’s the key.” (Y/N) winked and crossed her legs. A couple of guys sitting on the next table looked her up and down, which made her roll eyes. Tom followed her look and furrowed his eyebrows at the guys.

"They are like twice your age."

"Yeah, unfortunately, it happens all the time. It's disgusting." Oliver served their drinks and told he would be back with their chips. "I'm lucky that Oliver is serving us tonight, he's the only one that's respectful with me. You see the guy over there." She pointed to a guy organizing cups in the back and Tom nodded. "He always tries to abuse me somehow, hands on my ass or waist, never with consent. But he's quiet tonight because I'm here with a guy."

"That's fucking pathetic. I get so angry about those things." Tom then remembered the situation that happened earlier that week with Noel. "What about that Noel Kaim? He seemed pretty abusive with you."

"Noel never treated me like that before. Sure, we like to tease each other because that’s how our relationship was built. But never with anger, never with aggression. I got really upset when he did that to me." She sipped on her drink and felt her throat burning with the strong drink.

"If he ever does anything to you, even if it's small, you can tell me and I'll break his face."

"Thank you." She smiled softly and he finally drank his beer.

"Oh my God, this is fantastic." Tom said almost rolling his eyes in pleasure. "I officially love this place. Do you want some?"

"I'm not a fan of beer, but my dad brought me here the first time and had me drinking one beer and it's really good."

"Thank God your dad brought you here.” He sipped his beer again and sighed. “And well, you look like someone that doesn’t like beer. You look very fancy, like everyone in our schools.”

“Yeah. I was raised on champagne with two strawberries on the bottom of the glass. But you know, when I visited London, I went plenty of pubs with some friends, sometimes with my dad and I enjoyed their beer.” She took a big sip on her drink and did an ugly face when it burned down her throat. Tom laughed at her and thanked when the bartender came with his chips. “Mom got pretty mad that day. Mad at me, at my dad, at the world, honestly. As always.”

“You seem to have a pretty disturbing relationship with your mother.”

“With my family, in general. My mother is… peculiar. She never wanted to be a mother, at least that’s what she tells me now and then. She only did it because of my father. He wanted to be a dad and back then, they were very in love. That’s why I think I’m the reason their relationship fell apart.” She brushed the tip of her finger around the border of the glass. “Sorry, that was too deep. Tonight was supposed to be a fun night.”

“No, tonight was supposed to be a night to get to know each other.” He smiled softly at her and took some chips before he continued. “You can tell me more about your mom.”

“Uhm, we’re always fighting. She doesn’t care much about what I do and at the same time, she cares too much. She wants me to be perfect, to be the best student, the best dressed, the most desirable. But she doesn’t care about how I feel or what I wanna do.” She glanced down, maybe to tried hold some tears forming on her waterline. “But hey, tell me about your mom. I owe you some minutes to listen to you ramble on about your life.”

“I love my mom. She always supports me and takes care of me. She’s my best friend, honestly.” He smiled to remember his old mum that right now was cuddled with all of his brothers in the living room. “My family is everything to me. I don’t think I can even show how much I love them. They are the best part of me.”

“You have a big family?” She had a small grin on her face and he nodded.

“My parents are still together and I have three younger brothers, two of them are twins.” He smiled when he started talking about them. (Y/N) saw a sparkle in his eyes when he started to talk about his family. He talked with such adoration that it was almost hard to believe that someone loved their family this much. That was what she wanted all her life. “And I am so lucky to have them in my life. You will know when you meet them.”

“I would love to meet them.” They both opened a big smiled when their eyes crossed.

“Sam and Harry are really fun to hang out with. But being friends with them requires a big appetite for food and for talking photography.”

“I love photography! I’m a model, the camera loves me.” She posed for him and he laughed. “And I’m always hungry. That’s something you need to know if we’re gonna be friends.”

“Noted.” He winked and they fell into a brief silence so they could drink a little more. “Do you like being a model?”

“A little. I love fashion, I do. But my mother always tried to put me into a certain beauty pattern because that’s how she was raised, my grandmother is just like her, maybe worst. And I have many self-esteem issues because of that. She even had me wearing tight corsets when I was 12, it was horrible.” ”

“I’m so sorry darling.”

“After a while, I started to speak up and tell her no. So I only model for her sometimes and decided that I wanted to be a lawyer instead of going to a fashion school and being a part of this messed up world that excludes those who aren’t inside the beauty pattern.”

“Well, you could try changing it from the inside.”

“That’s why I still model and I try to stick to my true self, nothing aesthetically different.” She took some second to breathe and continue. “I got tired of doing what I was told. My mom even controlled my relationships at some point.”

“Really? How did that work?”

“She broke me and my last boyfriend. Well, we weren’t serious but when she found out I was going out with a guy that wasn’t rich and worked at a coffee shop, she lost his mind. Well, Josephine is very found of Noel Kaim and his family and Noel was the one who told her I was going out with that guy.”

“How did he know you were dating?”

“The boy worked at the café in front of the school. Noel saw me kissing him goodbye once.” She rolled her eyes. “I was never lucky in the relationship department.”

“God, me neither.”

“Really?”

“I tried to date a girl once, but it didn't work out because I don't feel like I ever truly liked anyone. Never felt head over heels, in love like a fool for someone. Also, I don't like serious relationships.”

“Me neither! Ugh, I don’t like being tied down. I love sleeping around and hooking up with a lot of guys. Even though I’m very subtle.” She signed Oliver to bring two more drinks and he nodded. “I love sex.”

“Yes! Sex is the best!” He giggled with her being so open about it. But again, he was also very open about it.

“And you know, most of the guys I truly dated never made me cum. Just Noel, and I guess that’s why I keep going back.”

“I don’t like being tied down to only one girl. I like flirting and meeting new people all the time, and Harrison is the same. I guess that’s why we’re best friends.” Oliver came with more drinks and they got drunker with every sip, opening their hearts to each other about every aspect of their lives.

“What would make you stop?”

“Meeting the right girl, I guess.” Tom smiled down to his beer and they fell into silence. "It will only stop when I truly feel how it's like to love someone. But I'm not desperately looking for them."

“Yeah, me too. Although, I want to find someone special so we can grow our own little life together.” She smiled, already feeling a little tipsy. Gin was much stronger than beer. “I want a family so I don’t be lonely.”

“I’ve never told any of those things to anyone.” Tom admitted.

“Me neither.” She agreed. “But I’m glad to share this with you, Tom. I feel like I can trust you. Like I can be vulnerable. That’s new to me.”

“I feel the same.” He extended his drink and she raised hers so they could toast. “And (Y/N), one more thing.”

“What is it?”

“You don’t have to be so lonely. At least as long as I’m here.”

“I don’t think that’s possible by now, Tom.” She buried her face in her drink to hide her sad face and he reached for her hand resting over the counter.

“Yes, it is. You’re waiting for the right guy to not be lonely, but you can’t spend the best years of your life looking for that someone. That’s not how life works.” She left her to drink behind to pay attention to what he was saying, maybe trying to hold some tears when touching in such a delicate subject for her. “I’m your friend and I’m here, right now. You don’t have to be lonely.”

“Why are you so fond of me?” She frowned, letting some tears fall on her cheeks and he shrugged.

“I guess I can’t stand to see someone crying.” He cleaned her tears with the pad of his thumb and she sobbed. “I’m sorry if you didn’t want to talk about it.”

“No, I’m sorry for crying.” She tried to suck it up but didn’t move his hand from her face, which was now just rubbing her cheeks gently, trying to give her some comfort. “Thank you, Tom. For tonight. I needed to have this talk.”

“Do you need a hug?” He asked and she nodded, throwing herself in his arms with no hesitation. Tom was probably the best hugger she’d ever met, he could pass confidence and calmness through his touch. She could already feel her mascara ruining. Tom pressed her against him and rubbed his hands on her back, trying to give her some comfort. “I’m here for you, okay?”

“Okay.” She nodded her head, resting on the crook of his neck. “Do you want to order another drink? I don’t wanna go home yet.”

“Yeah, sure. Another gin tonic?”

“I think I’ll have a pint.” She winked and they laughed together. “Just to try it, you know.”

“Okay. Oliver, two pints please.”

❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁

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tinycrow · 3 years ago

Text

Mama Fortuna

C-04: Moving Day, and A Human’s Best Friend

Note: I am not a scientist. I just googled some things and started writing. I’m going to take some artistic liberties here.

P.S.: Superman lied to us.

~*~

Explaining to movers what the hell your “coffee machine from hell” is, is a harrowing experience, let me tell you. It was necessary, though. There was no way I would be able to lift that thing by myself.

I think back to the making the machine, and the aftermath. Creating that machine took all the strength in me, as well as most of my kitchen appliances. It also scared the heck out of my children.

My eyes flutter open as I come to wakefulness on the ground. The first thing I see and hear are Sunshine and Ellie chittering, chirring, and beeping above me. Their bright green optics are trained on my face as they worriedly shake me. Seeing me awake, they stop making noise for a couple seconds before assaulting me with a barrage of “Mama” and “Ok?”

“Sorry for worrying you. I’m okay. I’m just really tired, so mama is going to bed early, okay?”

Sunshine jumps to my shoulder as I heave my tired body off the ground. Ellie grasps my pant leg asking to be picked up, which I do.

So, to catch you up, apparently my little stunt with the machine knocked out all power for not only my house, but the whole block. Eventually the problem was fixed by everyone resetting their breakers, but the “mysterious power outage” was raising questions.

I’m not sure if Samantha was ever a paranoid person, but I sure am. I need room to work, and this little house in the middle of a populated suburb in the city is not smart if I want to remain unnoticed. Thus, moving… and worrying. My babies are not used to foreign people in their home, or the idea of their safe space no longer being theirs.

I have a feeling we will be doing this a lot more, though. Imagine the kinds of people that would love to have their hands on me and my children. I shudder. No, I imagine we’ll be moving a lot.

Eventually the movers and I get into our moving trucks and head out.

We drive quite a way into the country side. I don’t really have the money or resources to move too far at a time, so we are moving to an old farmhouse that is a couple hours away from our first home. It’s a half hour’s drive from the nearest town, so we should be good for experimenting. Samantha, apparently, has savings built up over the years, but it would be too easy to squander. Considering I do not have a job and don’t know whether I would be getting one anytime soon, I have to take into account the cost of food and rent.

~*~

“Thank you so much. Safe trip back, yeah?”

“Will do. Have a good evening.”

“Have a good evening.”

The movers leave, and I don’t stop watching until they’re long gone out of sight. I let out a relieved sigh, and head back indoors. The ‘coffee machine’ as I have been calling it could have been brought indoors (if barely), but after sparing a thought of the potential danger it posed, it went into the garage. By now, it has been 2 and a half hours since we left, and I was already tired.

I wanted to make sure we had some place to sleep tonight, at the very least, so that meant reassembling the metal structure that was my berth.

Bed. I mean bed. I shake my head at the mistake. Wow, I must be really tired.

~*~

Later that evening, I’m tucking my children into bed. I know they’ve been having trouble with the move. All throughout setting up the bed, they wouldn’t leave my side, not even when I suggested they watch some videos on the internet! They love YouTube.

It makes me sad that the new environment just didn’t feel ‘safe’ to them. I would have to find out a way to make them feel safer. Maybe talking with them about how to deal with strangers would be a start. I could also see if I could set up some kind of security system. It would be a bit hard when we keep moving, but it would be worth the time.

Giving my little ‘spider’ a kiss, I giggle at the soft chittering they respond with. Cute.

“Rest, Sunshine. You’re safe.”

Seeking comfort, Ellie reaches up from under the covers. I turn and gently hug them and give them a kiss as well.

“I’ll protect you, Ellie. You’re safe.”

I tuck them tightly under the electric blanket.

They prefer my body warmth, but being human, I tend to move in my sleep, and hog the blankets, so it’s better for them to cuddle under the warmer blanket instead.

~*~

I wake up the next day, have some instant coffee (my kettle survived the making of the last machine, thankfully) and prepare myself for the other coffee machine I have been unconsciously avoiding. It doesn’t look very impressive, quite scary really, but considering what it is meant to do… I have to face it sooner or later.

Last night’s dream showed me bits and pieces of what the mysterious ‘coffee’ should look like. I realized I would need a vessel that would not melt in contact with the liquid, or otherwise have them drink straight from the nozzle.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what kind of vessel that would be. The dreams and visions tend to not be very specific. I saw the ‘coffee’ in all sorts of forms in my dream: gas, crystal, raw energy, or liquid. Because of the nozzle on the machine, I assume it’ll come out as a liquid. Nursing my coffee, I mentally list the resources I have available to me:

Plastic. No.

Glass. No.

Aluminum. Probably not.

Unmolded, leftover steel… Unknown.

Well, to be honest, most of the machine is made of steel or the elements that make up steel. Iron, carbon… Steel has a higher melting point than aluminum, anyway. The problem with this idea, however, was that I would need to use my power to mold it.

Feeling my anxiety rise, I chug the rest of my shitty coffee. Just because I have it, doesn’t mean I like it. I think that applies well to my main problem, too. I sigh. I would try. I like the idea better than forcing an uncontrolled amount of liquid down my babies’ throats.

~*~

While searching the property, I find a bag of coal in a shed. I bring it to the garage.

~*~

Staring at my collection of metal and coal in a pile over the concrete, I start to have doubts.

I can do this, I reassure myself, steel thyself. Ha.

I put my hands over the pile and concentrate. Thinking back to how long it took to make the machine, I’m not prepared for the quick whirlwind of materials that leave me with a couple shiny tanks of some glassy material and steel, as well as a mush of unknown material that is both hardening and oozing beside them. Ugh. That doesn’t look safe… Wait, is that shiny stuff…

I lean forward to take a closer look, gaping widely.

I was expecting something shoddy, considering how fast it formed… But this, this…

I would never expect that I could make diamond! For example, coal has carbon in it, but it also has a lot of other elements, as well as organic material. I think it’s too impure to simply add pressure and form diamond.

It used all the coal I brought to the garage, but the tanks have a thin layer of diamond reinforcing the inside of the steel tanks. Now, the tanks themselves aren’t very big… but neither are my babies. So maybe it’ll be alright.

Grabbing the newly created vessels, I spare a thought for the oozing mess beside me. Feeling a little more confident in my abilities, I focus on burying the mess. Tapping the ground with my foot, I watch as the ground ripples like water and swallows the mess whole.

… I’m sure it’ll be fine. Probably.

~*~

Feeding my children takes a bit of experimenting, but I figure out where the battery is, and how to charge it. Simply placing my hand where the ‘battery’ is and focusing is enough to charge it. I stop charging as soon as I notice the machine running; it seems there’s no on-off switch.

I take out the mask and thick gloves. Better safe than sorry.

Taking a breath, I fill up the tanks. The liquid itself isn’t… quite how I remember from the dream, but it’s close enough that I can quiet the doubt circling in my mind. Maybe it’s not as pure as the ‘coffee’ in my dream, but I pray that it’s enough. It has to be for my children.

After talking with them, I decide to give a tiny amount to Sunshine as a test. We’ll give it a day and see what effects it has.

~*~

The next day, Sunshine is a bit more chatty than usual. They run us ragged as they bounce around the room on their multiple legs. In contrast, I notice Ellie becoming more sluggish, and frown in worry. Ellie has never slumped like that after a play session… I don’t think I have any real choice anymore.

Worried about the impurity of the ‘coffee’, I feed small amounts to both Sunshine and Ellie over the next few days, until they seem to be at good health.

~*~

I can make diamond, I will realize many days later, and all the implications that it brings.

#my fanfiction #mama fortuna #greyscales #transformers

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randomestfandoms-ocs · 4 years ago

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Drop the Evie essay you wrote

okay so first of all it wasn’t really an essay the way some of my ramblings are, more like just me writing down all of my thoughts in a vaguely coherent manner bc my brain was running too fast to really organize it

and second of all, just to be on the safe side, these are the potential trigger warnings that I would give for the essay — I don’t know if they all actually come up or not, but better safe than sorry, so proceed with caution!

Potential TWs: being outed, parental neglect, character death (canon), suicide attempts (semi-canon), eating disorders, lots of mental health issues, and lots of general trauma and feelings of never being good enough, and canon typical references to drinking/drugs/partying/etc

so just like a fun fact, Evie’s vitamin water of choice is zero sugar strawberry lemonade and yes i spent too long reading reviews on different flavours all because gossip girl did an entire product placement episode

anyways now onto real thoughts let’s go lesbians let’s go

so okay evie has a... very negative experience with Lily’s various boyfriends and husbands. When Evie was younger she was always hopeful that this time would be different, that they’d be a family, that her mom would actually stick around, and every single time she’s been let down and left heartbroken. When her mom starts dating Bart, Evie is very against it but she just can’t be bothered to even try to talk to Lily — Lily will date him, maybe get married, play house, abandon her children, then get divorced, and the cycle will repeat, and Lily will never give a shit about how her children feel about it. Bart is just the latest rich man for Lily to set her sights on. Given the overall shittiness of most of Lily’s exes, Evie had figured she would be a lot more vocally against Lily dating again, but Bart...

Bart himself may terrify Evie, but Evie’s unwavering faith that Chuck will always protect her outweighs that fear, and Evie has long since given up on her mom caring about her opinions so she just takes comfort in the fact that Chuck will be there and tries to just ignore the rest — and the fact that Bart is pretty much always away does help with that. That being said, she was very distraught when Bart spends season 1 christmas with them, but then Bart’s “present” for her was flying Chuck home for a few days because Lily mentioned that Eric was teasing Evie about being excited about having Chuck as a brother, and he's trying to semi-win over the kids (aka bribe them into accepting him as Lily’s fiancé)

Evie speaks several languages! She started learning French and Spanish at a very young age, and then picked more up from Lily’s various husbands. She’s not fluent in all of them but she can hold conversations in eight languages — and four of them were from Lily’s boyfriends (and italian was half pieced together from French and Spanish), and she just keeps learning more because she tries to keep herself too busy to think at any given moment

Rufus is her favourite step-dad by far, but Chuck is her favourite step-sibling (and second favourite sibling, after Eric). That being said, Bart was surprisingly decent to her because even he quickly figured out that Evie has the innate ability to get Chuck to do basically anything, and he wanted her on his side, only he underestimated how much Evie hates him for treating Chuck like shit — as she says in 2x07, “if you want us to be a family, you should learn how to be a dad”

Evie has a bit of a thing for stealing coats lmao — it’s not unusual to find her stealing Chuck, Eric, Theo, or even Nate’s jackets when she gets cold or starts feeling particularly self conscious. At the housewarming party she actually gets to bothered by all the media watching her constantly that Chuck goes and gets her one of his blazers to replace the cropped one she was wearing, and she immediately feels a bit more at east

Evie is a jock like it’s understated but she’s on multiple sports teams at school and plays outside of school too — she’s also in dance classes several times a week, along with private vocal lessons, and being part of every theatre production at Constance Billard (musicals and plays), and is on the yearbook committee. Basically, Evie needs a fucking nap, and with a lot of pushing from Chuck and Eric and Theo (to balance out Blair “do absolutely everything in the name of Yale” Waldorf) she does eventually ease up on her extra-curriculars

She holds far too much power in the Constance-St Jude hierarchy. She’s a freshman, but it’s well known that Evie is completely untouchable. Some people (cough Jenny) might try to cross Blair, but no one is stupid enough to go after Evie — she’s not just Blair’s protégée, she’s also under Chuck’s protection. And when Jenny does try to cross her in season 3 (physical and emotional bullshit, public humiliation, telling the entire school she’d tried to kill herself and had been at Ostroff not “in florida”), well... she learns that even being family won’t stop her entire life from being destroyed

Speaking of Jenny... that’s a very messy relationship — I want to like Jenny, I really do, but I just... don’t so far. They’re a very sweet relationship early on, neither of them had dated before and they were just really smitten with each other and things were good. There were definitely some issues because of the Jenny-Blair war, but they’d been okay — or so Evie had thought, until Jenny dumped her by means of introducing everyone to her new boyfriend, Asher. Then of course there’s the party and Jenny outing her, and then just not talking to her for months until she needs something from them (an in to the White Party). Eric manages to convince Evie to play nice, but he does so under the impression that Jenny had apologized to Evie — he didn’t know she’d only apologized to him. Eventually Jenny does apologize and Evie tries to forgive her, and she keeps giving Jenny more and more second chances (especially once they become step sisters), but Jenny really just keeps hurting Evie to get on top because with Blair gone, Evie immediately becomes the new queen, and Jenny cares more about being queen than being nice. Little does she realize that part of why Evie became queen with no challenge is because she’s nice.

and regarding Evie’s other relationships... so serena was a really good big sister when Eric & Evie were kids — Blair was the responsible sister and Serena was the fun sister, but it was a good balance and it worked. But when the twins were around eleven and Serena was around 13, she became besties with Georgina Sparks, and everything went to shit. Serena started getting into partying and drinking and drugs and became just as flighty and unreliable as Lily, which takes a significant toll on the twins’ mental health — side note, one of their therapists at the Ostroff Centre believes that their significant codependency stems from the abandonment issues they have as a result of Lily and Serena just up and leaving them whenever anything “better” comes along.

And unfortunately for the twins, this was around the same time (grade 6) that Theo got sent to boarding school, so really they lost both their sister and their best friend at the same time, and Theo leaving also messed up the overall group dynamics and they half lost Nate too — he was still in their lives but he went from being the dad to Blair’s mom to being more of a big brother, and there was this sort of hole that didn’t get filled until a couple of years later.

And of course, a lot of it then fell to Blair to try to fill that hole and the holes left by Serena and Lily and went from being sort of “mom friend big sister” to “literally the closest thing we have to a mom”, which is also just a lot of pressure for a thirteen year old girl and part of why Blair and Chuck got a lot closer after he ended up becoming their dad was because she finally had someone that she could talk to too.

Also like full disclosure, Chuck never really intended to become their dad. He started off as a reluctant big brother because he was Nate’s best friend and Nate was the dad friend when they were younger, and Evie just kind of decided that she loved him and like no one can argue with Evie so all of a sudden he was part of the family. He doesn’t really become dad until the van der Woodsens move into the hotel because suddenly Eric and Evie are just always there, and he doesn’t even realize it until months later, after Serena is gone and he realizes that he’s been skipping parties to like play mario kart and shit with the twins and Blair is just like “lmao yeah buddy you’re the last one to get this memo”

and then there’s this list that I made of the NJBC’s roles in raising the twins and theo back when they were younger

Blair: holds their hands to cross the street, teaches them not to talk to people who wear sneakers or to strangers, teaches them how to dress themselves like respectable people, makes them finish their homework before watching tv, hates all of their nannies and only trusts dorota to take care of them Nate: teaches them to tie their laces and their ties, plays video games and sports with them, helps them with homework and doesn't get impatient when they struggle, lets them use his notebooks to draw in when they're bored Chuck: will destroy anyone who hurts them, teaches them street smarts and how to tell when someone is lying, is the one who lets them do dumb and reckless things because he'd rather they do them when he's there to get in trouble, still refuses to believe that they know what sex is Serena: reminded them that it's okay to have fun and draw outside the lines, stood up for them when lily was being a shit mom and always tried to protect them from the worst of her neglect, came up with games to play when they were sad to take their minds off whatever is upsetting them

And Theo!!!!!! Theo has been their best friend for their entire lives! They’ve known him since they were babies and the three of them have always been inseparable! Like highkey they were just a more functional NJBC lmao, and we love them for it! Theo getting sent to boarding school was really hard on all three of them but they stayed in constant contact and whenever Theo is back in the city, it’s almost impossible to see them not together. Theo does know that they were in the Centre, so once he’s back full time, he’s spending as much time visiting them as he can! Even when Eric and Theo are dating (and later when Evie and Theo are dating), the group dynamics really never change! It’s still always the three of them, and sometimes Jenny in s1, they’re still each other’s family, and they’re still just a bit too interdependent to be entirely healthy (it’s the trauma and neglectful parents)

on a slightly related note, neither of the twins drink anything other than champagne and sometimes wine, and neither of them touch drugs at all, and it’s entirely because of Serena. They’ve both seen how much she’s changed since she got into that scene, and especially since ‘liking partying’ turned into ‘alcohol addiction’, and they’re both too afraid of ending up like that to even take the risk. It’s something that definitely sets them apart from pretty much any of their peers, but they’ve gotten very good at just laughing it off with a “hey, I just don’t want to end up on Gossip Girl tomorrow” which people generally accept

(that being said, Evie did smoke for a while pre-canon bc cigarettes curb hunger, but she hasn’t smoked at all since ending up in the Centre, and once she’s out too many people have an eye on her for her to even try, and she does want to stop)

(TW ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, fairly detailed discussion) so okay the breaking point for the twins... lily had just gone awol again and Blair was away visiting her dad and evie was at the archibalds’ house hanging out with theo, who was home for a weekend, and eric didn’t want to call anyone because lily’s disappearance had left him in a spiral of feeling annoying and like people didn’t really want him in their lives and there wasn’t a specific trigger but instead of the spiral slowing down or evie/chuck/blair being able to pull him out of it, it just kept getting worse until he was slitting his wrist in the bathroom — only Evie had just gotten home and when he didn’t reply to her calling his name, she got freaked out and started looking for him and when she saw him, she just... couldn’t deal. She called 911 for eric but then she was just in the bathroom and covered in his blood and she didn’t know what to do and she needed to calm down so she grabbed a bottle of valium that she thinks was Lily’s but instead of just taking one pill she ended up taking all of them and downing them with a bottle of vodka serena had hidden — once she realized what she’d done she called Chuck and basically just said “I think I fucked up” and Chuck freaks out (understandably) and rushes to their suite and gets there basically just in time to see both of them being loaded into an ambulance; he claims he’s their brother and rides with them to the hospital where he calls blair, and arranges for his jet to pick her up asap, and then tries (unsuccessfully) to get in touch with lily

#lizziesxltzmxn #ask #answered #evie van der woodsen #about evie #freshman generation

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magicofthepen · 4 years ago

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Gallifrey Relisten: Lies

In the chaos of.....all of November....totally forgot I meant to relisten to this episode sooner! Which is odd because Series 2 is definitely one of the high points of Gallifrey for me (apparently listening to everything slowly collapse into the civil war is super engaging and interesting? idk Series 2 just does a lot of solid character work and storytelling and good narrative progression to the “ahhh everything is very bad” finale...and I’m not sure how to feel about this, given *gestures at the world these days*). But anyways, now for some thoughts on the series opener:

Fun fact: From the TV show alone, Romana I was my favorite. (This had something to do with her having more character growth in season 16 than season 17, since her early days on the TARDIS involve the “wait my academic success does not necessarily translate to the real world” realization and learning about worlds and people different from her own and growing from High-Achieving Student to Adventurer in her own right. Also I loved the grudgingly-working-together to actual-friends arc with her and the Doctor. I was a bit less interested in her character when she was just going around being a capable adventurer, although I did become invested in Romana II in her last episodes, as she quietly grapples with the issue of what she wants to do next in life and eventually chooses to go off on her own. Also to be fair, I appreciate the fun times of Season 17 a lot more now because Romana being happy and having a good time traveling around the universe? What a concept.)

All this to say: me on my first listen of Gallifrey was very excited about Romana I being in this episode. And even though it’s not quite as much of a !!!!! thing for me these days (the Gallifrey audios have long since solidified Romana II as my favorite), I do love the (sort of) multi-Romana interaction that happens in this one.

Brax essentially going “yeah the education system is supposed to be shitty and take an emotional toll on you” sir.

“I am not xenophobic” — Oh yeah, this scene is Narvin at his most unlikeable. “I’m not being bigoted, I’m just trying to protect Gallifrey, the fact that I assume that people who aren’t from here inherently can’t be trusted, and also go on about how they’re too loud and disruptive and don’t belong is definitely not a bigoted worldview nope.” Yikes. Very glad he’s going to see the error of his ways.

The Narvin and Darkel rant session does actually do a good job at explaining what’s been happening and establishing the primary conflict of the series while not feeling like it exists solely to be an info dump to catch up the listener. Like, it’s definitely a setup scene, but it is an interesting setup scene.

“But she is my President, and it’s my job to ensure that she gets what she wants and needs, efficiently and without question. Well, too many questions anyway.” Okay this moment and Darkel and Wynter’s conversation later about Narvin’s weakness (“Loyalty. An unswerving loyalty to his office and his precious CIA. And above all, loyalty to his president.” “He despises President Romana!” “Oh yes, of course. But it’s the position, not the person, he places that trust in.”) are really setting up some key Narvin Character Theses that we’re going to see play out this series (and also that the narrative is going to push in really interesting ways later on..... “position not the person”.....just you wait....)

Darkel and Narvin being indignant that Romana changed the law is just....hilarious in a kind of horrifying way? Oh no, the President worked with the legislative body to actually get a law passed. The horror.

“She has a temper. And a very long memory.” This is definitely about the CIA trying to overthrow her in Neverland but uhhh also it’s about Etra Prime and the Powers That Be on Gallifrey never making a serious effort to save her (at least from her perspective).

Yeah Darkel as antagonist is a bit abrupt (not that I particularly mind, she’s a good enough “love to hate” character that her not being set up as an antagonist from Series 1 doesn’t really bother me). But yeah, not sure what was going on behind the scenes, but it doesn’t seem like in Series 1 the plan was for her to be the primary Series 2-3 antagonist.

Darkel to Narvin: “You will let me know when you’ve decided.” Ooh yeah, this moment is quite a good setup of Narvin’s arc throughout this series — he has to decide where his loyalties truly lie.

Wynter is really interesting as far as character dynamics go, because he breaks the whole “Romana and Leela are the youngest people in the room” vibe — and it is just really interesting to see Romana interacting with this quite young Time Lord and specifically compare/contrasting it to how she interacts with young Time Lords in the later series when she’s older and a bit more emotionally mature and has more of the “mentor figure” vibes. (There isn’t really a conclusion to this thought, it’s more of a “huh, I’m thinking about this now” thing.)

“It’s been seven weeks, Andred. It’s hardly a lifetime.” Romana: please you have not been in a cell for that long, calm down.

“I thought you two were friends.” “A president of the High Council of Gallifrey cannot allow herself the luxury of friends.” Ahhhh, where it begins!! I’m extremely weak for the arc of Romana opening herself up to friendship and love, what of it.

Honestly, Andred’s politics have always been very confusing to me? And it probably doesn’t help that the show is all “he’s fully Andred now” but also “he lived as Torvald a long time and that’s still influencing him.” Like both of those things can be true, but it’s a bit unclear what Andred’s true priorities and motivations really are right then — and honestly, it just comes off like his primarily desire is to be useful to someone, and be granted some form of autonomy/power/respect in return (aka he doesn’t have any real clear principles that are motivating him). Also complaining about Romana opening Gallifrey up to aliens is such a bad look dude.

Romana to Andred: “I control your future. I control whether you have one.” Umm???? The foreshadowing?????

Andred, no. Andred, the free time pun was too much.

“I wish I had databanks. With a flick of a switch I could turn myself off, become unaware of all that has happened.” Leela ahhhhhhhhhh. (The desire to give Leela all the hugs and emotional support is very very high throughout these next couple seasons especially.....her mental health is in such a rough place ahhhh.)

Andred regenerated “nearly six months ago” and it’s been six and a half (or seven, depending on which character is speaking) weeks since A Blind Eye, which took place an unspecified amount of time after The Inquiry, which took place two weeks after Square One...(don’t mind me, just taking some notes on the timeline math...)

I believe a couple times in the Gallifrey audios, they reference the position of “Vice President,” which is very weird because that doesn’t seem to be a position that exists?? Chancellor is definitely seen as the #2 spot?? Idk what’s going on here.

“You are appreciated, highly regarded, and were I to lose you I would be...disappointed.” Romana, you started strong and then you got a bit emotionally repressed there.

“Torvald was a fool, but he was my fool.” .....I am not saying anything.....I will not be commenting on the Narvin and Andred scene......I just.......you know. There are some fics you cannot unread.

Romana does really trust Brax here, doesn’t she. And she really doesn’t trust easily post-Etra Prime, so this is a big deal — making it all the rougher when she (in the short term) finds out he meddled with her memories and (in the long term) has to deal with him doing things like temporarily betraying her for the greater good of protecting her while not explaining at all what’s really going on.

Okay, yes the whole pearl-clutching about Romana changing the laws is kinda silly and horrifying in a “how dysfunctional is your society if passing one (1) law is drastic change??” way, but also the flip side of this, aka “we thought these things were entrenched as norms in our society and would not change and then here comes along one president who’s trying to undo all of these things and threaten the whole system”.....y’all that hits differently now in the month November in the year 2020. In the Gallifrey audios the context is different — they are for sure overreacting to Romana’s very mild idea of “perhaps....we could change some things about society” but the way they talk about her political changes in the episode — feels a bit too close to home!

Romana’s voice right when she sees Leela....she missed her.....

Pandora being the “first female president” is a very weird and very unnecessary bit of misogyny? Ah yes, we must specify that this ancient president of Gallifrey who was wildly power-hungry and cruel and went too far and almost ruined everything Gallifrey had built was a woman?? Why was that bit of dialogue needed?? Tbh early Gallifrey does have a problem in general with characters played by women tending to be power-hungry....which is partly down to the fact that they have so so few women in the cast in general, it’s Romana, Leela, and Villains, mostly. (The lack of women in the supporting cast in early Gallifrey is going to be an ongoing complaint.)

“You should not be afraid of your feelings, K9.” / “Yes, thank you, if we can move on from the emotional support group session.” Pffffff

I do choose to ignore the implication that Romana returned to Gallifrey and became President because of the subconscious influence of Pandora/the Imperiatrix Imprimatur nudging her towards power. Tbh it’s simply not interesting to me to have such a pivotal character choice reduced to genetic/subconscious manipulation. Yes, Romana ended her TV run insisting she didn’t want to go back to Gallifrey (and even staying in another universe to avoid it), and yes, it creates this initial emotional dissonance suddenly jumping to stories where she’s President of Gallifrey. But I already did the headcanon work before I jumped into Big Finish to make it work for me, I didn’t need this weirdness.

Elaborating on this a bit more: There is something interesting to me about a person who left home and slowly ended up rejecting the narrow worldview she grew up with, cutting herself free from the place she was born — and then eventually choosing to return because she genuinely wanted to make that messed-up world better and believed she could. And it also creates a really interesting contrast with the Doctor: two Time Lords who came to realize that Gallifrey was pretty terrible actually, and one of them kept running away from it and rejecting Time Lord society, and the other came back and said maybe I can change things. Because both are understandable and complicated reactions to have to a messed-up home world, and there are different ways of trying to do good. And regardless of how her choices turned out, I always liked the idea that it was Romana’s own choice that brought her to Gallifrey again, and I don’t think Pandora needed to be shoehorned in to explain her actions.

Okay, I want to hear the follow up where Leela insists Romana tell the whole Key to Time story after hearing all of these random out of context bits and pieces.

Why does Brax admit to breaking the Laws of Time? The fact that he’s in contact with his past/future selves isn’t actually relevant to what he needs to tell Narvin? He literally could have just said that he hypnotized Romana, without mentioning that it was his future self who did it? (Also, it’s implied in this one that he pushes for Romana to use the mind wipe on Narvin because he wants the memory of that reveal erased, but somehow that’s the one thing that Narvin keeps because he uses that information against Brax later? Aka: how did Narvin remember that Brax told him this?)

And final thought: general internal monologue during this episode is just: Pandora arc Pandora arc Pandora arc here we go!! Because the Lies through Warfare run is really one of the more interesting bits of Gallifrey for me (Imperiatrix specifically ranks very high on my favorite episodes list), and I’m excited to be re-listening to/thinking about/hearing other people talk about these episodes!

Next Episode Reaction: Spirit

Previous Episode Reaction: A Blind Eye

#gallifrey audios #romana #leela #narvin #irving braxiatel #going to listen to the pod of rassilon episode on a long car ride tomorrow (well. today at this point) so very excited for that!#ramblings #emily listens to big finish #the relisten of rassilon

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darkgeminisworld · 4 years ago

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This is gonna be a rant about a probably toxic friend so if you don't wanna read it, this is a heads up.

Okay so for several reasons, most of them being that I need to move on, I decided to write this lengthy rant about a friend I'm pretty sure will not be a friend of mine for much longer, which sucks bc he's almost my only irl friend but also feels good bc he's exhausting and I'm pretty sure he's also toxic.

I've met this guy like 6 and a half years ago, and we pretty much bonded over shared interests pretty fast. The first thing that bothered me was that he'd always be late, which would be absolutely fine if he'd been honest about it. But writing that it's five minutes until he's there and then showing up 30 minutes after that, or writing "I'm on your doorstep" and taking another ten minutes to show up, almost every single time, isn't, especially since I strained to be on time the first months (meaning I'd be too early bc my brain only does too early or too late, nothing in between). And his being late wasn't just 20 or 30 minutes, several times he was over an hour late. Oh, and once when we had agreed to meet he legit wasn't home and I waited around 2 hours, which I really should have held a grudge for back then and been way more pissed at him.

The second thing that bothered me was that he was way too nosy. He'd ask if I'm free to meet and play video games or whatever and whenever I said no he'd ask what I'm doing and if I can't manage my time another way to make time for him. And the thing is, not only did I not ask several times after he told me that he's busy that day, but I actively told him, several times over the course of about the last two years, that it bothers me and asked him to tone it down. My problem here is only that he didn't stop after I asked him to, bc before I told him and asked him, how was he supposed to know.

Coming out to him went well, though he did ask me whether I'm into him, which... No. Obviously it could've gone a lot worse, but still.

The next is more a small annoyance, a small itch, although it might have been a warning sign. He couldn't handle defeat very well. In most video games he was better, but he low-key aggressively denied it when I pointed out the win-lose ratio in my all-time favourite video game series and he'd try to cheat at other games. If it was only about him being competitive I'd understand, but that doesn't mean trying to rewrite the past by blatantly lying about it and ridiculing me for pointing out that that's bullshit, especially since it's only games, played for the fun of it.

We also went to the cinema sometimes, though if it had been up to him it'd have been way more often and that's another point where he really didn't let it go after getting a no. Whether he wanted to watch a horror movie after being told, several times, that I really don't like horror movies, or just the general question of whether we'd be going to the cinema, he'd ask again and ask what I'm doing, why did I not want to go, would another time be good, couldn't I ask my parents for money (which, to be fair, I could have. But I preferred not to bc back then it was really stressful bc we had to move and renovate and I just didn't wanna add more frustration if that makes sense? Plus I wanted to get my hands on some things, which required to save up) etc. Almost every time we did end up going, it was he who initiated it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted to see some of the movies just as badly as he did, but... And if he can't even accept "no" from a friend of several years (also a 100% guy friend as far as he is aware bc I didn't start to address gender issues with him), I'm worried about other contexts with that word. Also we did some kind of text role play (just texting back and forth with OCs inserted into several fantasy works like the Inheritance Cycle, who would parttake in the storyline, no set rulebook or anything) and his characters did some questionable and even outright deplorable things and when I wanted his character to suffer consequences, he always wanted him to get away with it. Like, his idea for one of his characters "pranking" mine in reaction to a prank which in itself was a retaliation to his character's pranks was kidnapping and waterboarding my character. And he kept defending it as a prank and demanded that my character should just forgive his character, like... It really made (and continues to make) me wonder and worry just how much of his darker thoughts I don't know about. And I don't know how accurate it is but I once saw a post with a quote that went along the lines of "man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." (btw I couldn't think of a satisfactory way to phrase it so I ended up looking up the quote and apparently it's from Oscar Wilde)

So I spent a fair amount of time arguing with him over that and trying to explain to the best of my ability why it was wrong, and for some time it went better.

Fast forward a few months to the blm protests or more specifically news coverage of it and info I sent him. He defended cops and blamed the protestors and even justified the atrocities of the cops, so that was the first instance where we had a huge fight. I practically drowned him in links and videos etc and some weeks into that I thought I'd managed to get through to him (Spoiler: I didn't really get through to him) so I kept it in mind but continued to have contact with him and everything (bc at the time I didn't know that I didn't really get through as much as I thought).

From there on it pretty much went downhill. We had been thinking about doing a trip to London for a few days (his idea but at the time I really wanted to go, it was around 2 years ago when I still practically worshipped that one author, she who must not be named) and to this very day he's not letting it go completely. Even though the pandemic puts lots of obstacles in the way and I have more important things to worry about, namely final exams and applications. Even though London is expensive as shit and I still have no way to earn money atm. And about the vacation, I finally canceled last summer (and gave the aforementioned reasons) and he completely lost his shit and got super aggressive, insulted me and tried to guilt-trip me into taking that back and agreeing to still go on that vacation with him. Then we got into another fight where he wanted me to cancel the vacation with my grandparents, which was already planned and booked and everything in order to make time for the vacation I'd already said I don't want to go on with him anymore and aggressively demanded (he didn't ask, he sent a demand and bombarded me with exclamation marks) to know when exactly I'd be going on vacation with them. Then he went offline after I refused and ignored the next few messages I sent him and only replied when I asked "what I'd I reconsidered my stance on the trip?". I mean, baiting him with that definitely was shitty of me, but the result showed that that was basically what he wanted, pressure me into still going on that vacation. That specific conflict had been going on for weeks, bc despite me telling him that it's counterproductive and detrimental to my mental health to increase the pressure and therefore my anxiety about getting a job to pay for the trip, he kept pressuring me while acknowledging that he's giving me lots of pressure and anxiety and even using that against me.

He also didn't acknowledge that most times we try to meet, he goes offline for hours before replying and disappearing again. That would be absolutely fine if he didn't accuse me of doing that, which btw is his standard technique and it took me a long time to realize that. He always tries to shift the blame to make me look like the one at fault, and he always, always demands that I apologize when we had a fight via WhatsApp.

And when I started enforcing my boundaries and telling him to stop asking again and again why I can't meet, what I'm doing, or demanding other explanations, he started to attack me for the kind of language I use, so when I'm ever so slightly sarcastic he immediately latches onto that and creates a new conflict.

But this still isn't all, oh no. He's also basically an ecofascist, and is fully okay with sacrificing social justice to save the environment, completely choosing to ignore that the people he's protecting are the ones at fault and that the ppl who contribute the least are the ones experiencing the hardest ecological consequences.

He's said multiple times that he thinks both sides are equally bad, in the context of left and right in general as well as antifascism and fascism and that he doesn't "condone the oppressed defending themselves with any means necessary" bc that, too, would include violence. He's defending the "right to free speech" even when right-wingers say really disgusting shit, he disagrees with prohibiting demonstrations of ppl who think that Corona is a hoax, he has zero empathy for ppl who are affected, who suffer long-term consequences from infections, not even for ppl who die from it (he literally said "people die anyway, that doesn't justify imprisoning everyone else") and somehow still thinks he has the moral high ground.

And the last bit he did was explaining to me, from his endocisallohet white guy perspective, how I'm "not discriminated against" bc gay ppl in my country can get married (only since 2017 btw) and when I, despite the fact that I shouldn't have had to and that it was a real blow to my mental health, wrote him a message that was almost the length of an essay, he calmly started to question my replies with the detachedness of someone who's discussing whether pineapple belongs on pizza and demanding further explanation. To top it off, he said that marginalized ppl have to always reply to everyone calmly and politely, no matter if it was offensive bc the person asking might be unaware of that. Otherwise, he said, everyone would be right to stop listening to us. Like, he literally said that we don't deserve human rights if we're not licking the boots of our oppressors if that way of thinking is followed through to the end.

I almost forgot, he also thinks that white ppl should have a say in whether something is a racist slur, or whether something is racist in general (we're both white, but at least I'm trying my best to unlearn what my upbringing taught me instead of being the cliché of the white person who goes "how dare you call me racist, I've never been more insulted in my whole life!", which is basically his reaction)

So up until this last fight, I conceded some ground to him to end the fights and keep him as a "friend" not only bc I feel horrible when I imagine losing one of my only irl friends but also bc I was hoping I could get through to him and educate him, to the best of my ability, on how to be a good ally to marginalized people. But the disregard with which he treats my explanations why the way he talked (wrote) about marginalized people is absolutely not okay and the fact that he just told me that he genuinely doesn't see how he did anything wrong even after I explained it to him in detail is just too much to bear at this point.

Oh, and while looking through the chat to prove him a liar I found that apparently, to him a promise is a promise, no matter whether it was given under pressure or voluntarily, so do with that what you will.

#toxic friendship?#rant

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