#anyway most dont make it past 4 months until either taking a break or just stopping completely
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Pairing- Boyfriend!Renjun x nospecific!reader
Warning-Death,Cancer
Genre: Angst
a/n: Here what you guys got after a months I’m not post anything. Also Thank you my friend,Lucy because helping me a lot :). Hope you guys like it
He always with you
He avoided meeting with you lately. You missed to spend time with him so much. You missed his scent, his hugs, his kisses, his presence, but most importantly, you missed him.
You recently spent a lot of time in your apartment, all by yourself. Watching movies, drinking hot chocolate and staying under your fluffy blanket. Sometimes you went to hangout with your friends, but not as often as you used to. However, today you couldn't take it anymore. I have to visit him, now!
Deep inside you knew that he would never cheat on you. What if something bad had happen to him? Maybe he got sick or maybe something in his family came up? You didn't know. Helplessly you scrolled through your media social. Usually, he would be active on Instagram. Always adding things to his story or at least posting the pictures he made. But ever since 3 weeks ago, you haven't seen him post a single thing. As if he vanished.
You took a look at your photo gallery on your phone. It's filled with pictures of you and Renjun. Everytime the two of you had met in the past months, you had taken at least one picture. Are you okay, renjun?
You didn't want to waste your time anymore, so you walked into your bedroom to change your outfit. You arrived at his house that felt like a second home to you. Big dark clouds covered the sky and sun. It may rain soon. You slowly walked to the door and opened it with the spare key Renjun gave you not so long ago.
You couldn't see him when you entered. Maybe he is in his bedroom? You steped further into his apartment. It was a big mess. You tried to comprehend what could've happened here. The TV was on, adding some noise to the otherwise quiet space. Some old snacks that have neither been fully eaten nor thrown away, covered the floor. It surely wasn't healthy for him to life in all this trash.
You finally went upstairs and pressed the door handle down slowly after knocking and getting no reply. Who knows, maybe he's sleeping? However you suddenly heard a faint crying sound instead of the silence. What's happening to him? Thousands of thoughts were running in your head, creating one scenario worse than the other. "Renjun?" You softly called out his name and fully opened the door. He turned his head and body to look at you, surprised by your arrival. His eyes were more red than white and his face looked as white as freshly fallen snow did.
"Y/n? W-what are you doing here?" He looked at you with what you could only assume was an angered expression. You slowly approached him and sat down on his mattress beside him. You hesitantly leaned your head on his shoulder and put your hand on his thigh, joining his own one. Oh, how often you had fiddled with his slender fingers before. They were just as beautiful as the art they created, but now they were just dried skin and bone. You were convinced, something bad happen to him!
"And why are you crying?", you asked him in return, probably a bit too late, but not that it matered anyways. He kept quiet for about a minute, before taking a deep breath and forcing those awful words out of his mouth. "I have a disease! I-I have cancer..." He closed his eyes tightly to hold himself back from sobbing. The fear that lived within him ever since the doctor told him he was going to die earlier than expected, suddenly skyrocket in your presence.
Shutting you out in the hope of making you forget him, had been so much easier than seeing your heart break right in front of him. You didn't deserve the pain he caused you, so why...? Why are you still here y/n? Why couldn't you stay away from me? "So that's the reason why you pushed me away? The reason you avoided me? Why didn't you tell me? Renjun? Explain it to me. Please explain everything." you looked at his eyes that beared so many emotions, while he bit his chapped lips.
"I-I don't know. I... I was just so, so scared. Actually, I-I knew I had cancer... It... They told me a year ago."
His confession was interrupted by a hiccup. He started crying again and put his hand on his face. You've been together for 3 years and he kept this a secret for all the time, telling you just now? "I-I'm only going to live for one more week. My doctor said there is no other way for me." Why? Why did he need to leave like this? Couldn't he be healthy and grow old with me? Searching in your confused and helpless mind you looked for a solution.
"Hey, i-it's okay. Its not your fault! I-I could spend all my money for your surge-", but he cut you off with a harsh movement by his hand. "You heard what I said. There's no chance, y/n!" Now your eyes were filling with tears, blurring your sight. This can't be true! "You said you would never leave me. You- You promised." The tears poured out of their home, painting a wet line down your cheeks until they dropped down your chin, falling. You too, felt like falling. You were so angry, but not at him, no, he didn't wanted this either. You were angry at the situation. At the fact that you couldn't do Anything.
Watching your little emotional breakdown, Renjun stayed quiet. After he had avoided meeting you for so long, seeing you come back to him, crying with him, still caring for him, there was only one thing he wanted. "Y/n? Can I ask for one last thing, before death is taking me?" He moved his hand to your shoulder, pressing it softly. "Anything for you, Renjun!" You desperately looked into his eyes, meeting his softened expression. "I just want to spend my last week with you. Please. One last time?"
Day 2
Standing in the kitchen for about half an hour, you had made a healthy breakfast for the two of you, since he loved your cooking. You poured some hot porridge into his favourite bowl and placed it on the tray. Walking slowly to not drop anything you brought the food to his bedroom. He was still asleep, looking utterly peaceful.
While you put the tray on a near small table, you called his name softly, to wake him up. Upon hearing his name, his eyelids fluttered open. Still a bit sleepy, he rubbed his eyes and gave you a questioning look. "I made some porridge for you. Should I... feed you?" You smiled at him shyly. He could just nod his head, feeling exhausted even after taking such a long nap.
You sat down beside him and took the spoon to feed him. He followed your every move as you put the still warm porridge in his mouth. A big smile suddenly stretched across his cheeks. "I knew your cooking would never disappoint me!", he complimented, making you giggle. Yet, you couldn't ignore the sad feeling in your chest, knowing you had to accept the fact that he was going to die soon. Only five days would be left after today.
Of course Renjun noticed the way your expression changed. “I dont like to see you sad. Please smile for me” He grabbed your other hand too, making you smile. The smile only he got to see. You don't even know if the sweet smile you were currently wearing on your face would show up for another guy, but for now it seems like it is just for Renjun, who finally noticed the bracelet on your wrist.
"You still wear that bracelet?” His eyes fixated on your wrist. You just watched him with sparkling eyes, while thinking back to how you got that gift. “Of course! It looks so pretty and it bears a lot of memories for me!” He smiled at you with just the same sparkles glowing in his eyes, making your heart beat unbelievable fast in your chest. You didn't knew why, but the comforting feeling of love, the love created between the two of you, filled your now shared room. Softly touching your own cheeks you felt how they heated up.
“It's- wait... I gave you the bracelet 5 years ago, when it was your birthday? A-and we still didn't turn into lovers that day, did we?”, his eyes widened. You simply nodded and started chuckling, him joining not much later. Of course you could still remember the day he gave you the precious bracelet. He was being so shy back then, when he planned to give it to you. Haechan, Mark and all the other dreamies kept hyping him up, after he gave it to you.
“You know what? I really can't believe our relationship will just end soon. I really thought we would last longer. I'm sorry!” He smiled at you again, but this time it was a sad smile. You sighed, closing your eyes in agony. “It's not your fault, it never was, Renjun! After all, these moments are the most precious ones that we have. Trust me, I will love and remember you until I take my last breath!” I'll really do! Besides bringing it up first, you hated talking about his disease so much.
Not because you blamed it on him. Not because you couldn't believe, he was going to die soon, no. You hated talking about it because you feared being left behind. You hated the fact that you'll eventually forget about him. That you'll forget how he smelled, how his hands felt, how his hugs felt. And the worst thing was, that you'll forget how it felt to be loved by him. When did all your laughter turn into cries?
Day 4
"Look! It's your favourite flower!” Renjun points his finger to a small bunch of flowers in the middle of the park. You loved going to this park with him before and today wasn't any different. Softly swining your linked hands back and forth and slowly walking near your favourite flower felt like one of those cliché moments from a drama. Especially when you kneeled down to smell on it.
The heavy, but lively smell of the rose lingered in your nose, bringing up even more memories. Renjun gave you one of those exact roses, when he had confessed that he liked you. A small grin made it's way to your lips. “It looks so pretty.”, Renjun said while putting his arm around your shoulders, “Pretty like you!” You couldn't help, but roll your eyes. This was typically him. Renjun loved to compliment and tease you at the same time
You loved the moments when he was simply being himself. He was acting different. Usually he would be rather harsh, or how people liked to put it, ignorant towards other people’s feelings. But he always cared for you. You were his soft spot. It was only normal that couples had little fights from time to time, but renjun never let the two of you be angry at each other for a long time.
He always was the first one to apologize, or if it wasn’t his mistake, he would still want to make up, inviting you to do something that you liked. His classic line which always worked was weather you would want to eat some food ugh him. It was one of the many personality traits that you liked about him
“Ah! I really want to draw the pond and swan over there! It’s unbelievable pretty!” He excitedly took out his paintings tools and moved the stuff around until it stood perfectly within his reach while drawing. You just followed him and tried to not get in his way.
Tipping the smallest brush into the water glass, he started to draw the perfect scenery in front of you. He truly was talented at this. You couldn’t help but admire the way he let the colors dance on the Canva “Your drawing is so unbelievable. It really does look like it’s real”
His face lit up,once the words left your mouth “This is the last painting I”ll before I’m gone. I want it to be perfect!”he still smiled at you, but his eyes showed how he truly felt. The sadness dominating any other feels. Once again, you sighed. It has been almost 3 years, since you’ve been a couple and now you two just stood there, waiting for him to leave
Quickly noticed How your mood shifted towards a bad one, you tried to change the topic
There will be enough time for me to sad once he left
“Do you remember that this place is the first place we met and-“ “The place where I confessed my feelings for you?” He finished your sentence with a smirk. Chuckling you nodded at the statement
That day he called you and asked you to meet him at the park “ can you cell me?” was that he said, when he actually was going to confess to you. You can’t forget that day. You never will. It’s a very precious moment to you, even if he stuttered a lot and the confession felt really awkward too
“Your birthday is this week, isn’t it?” Renjun suddenly asked. You stopping your thoughts. Right, you totally forgot about your birthday. Surprised you just hummed and nodded. “What do you want for your birthday?” You didn’t need to think twice “I just want you stay alive and healthy. I wish you could always be my side” you smile confidently
That will never happen
It was obvious to renjun, but to avoid you sadder he just smile sweetly at you instead of responding “Can we go somewhere after this? Maybe the shopping mall?” You asked him. He looked at you and hugged you close to his chest “Of course!”
He would spend his time with you wisely and make sure that every precious and special moment will never be forgotten
Day 7
I can't lose him! Please!
You buried your face into his shoulder and grabbed his sweater like your own life depended on holding it. You couldn't believe he was going to die in less than a day. He couldn't... Your fragile, pathetic hope only faded more when he started coughing. In the last few days his condition extremely worsened and you tried to understand why people needed to suffer before dying so much. Isn't death enough?
“It's your birthday tomorrow, isn't it?”, he quietly asked while stroking your back. “Yes” Your answer was barely loud enough to hear, being muffled by his neck. Still, you hugged him only tighter, afraid of finally losing him. “Y/n, I'm so sorry if I'm not able to be with you tomorrow to celebrate your birthday.” You knew what’s he meant. No, this couldn't be happening! Why were you suddenly to dumb to accept it?
“Please find a better guy than me. A guy who will make you happy, who will stay loyal to you and only loves you. Find a guy who will stay by your side forever. Don't find another guy who'll make you feel dissapointed.” You wanted to tell him, that he never disappointed you, but he already pulled you into a sweet kiss. His lips felt so soft. Soft but rough. It was like your first kiss with him. It was like your first night with him. But in reality, it was your last kiss with him. Yet you saw it as another moment that had been created in this special time.
“You know... I am never going to stop loving you!” You said and looked at him. His face was so pale, you could see the soft blue shining through it. “Me too, honey. There are 7 billion people on this earth but I fell in love with you. We have been a long journey together. Everyone can fall in love but not everyone has a happy ending with it. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep my promise, Y/n!” I know, Renjun.
The worst part for you was that it all happened so fast. But somehow you still hoped this was only a dream. That you would wake up to a healthy Renjun wishing you a happy birthday. Finally the clock was showing 12 AM. It was your birthday. Sounding just as sleepy as you felt he whispered a soft “Happy birthday, Y/n!” He stroked your hair while looking at you with loving eyes, a smile on his lips for the last time, before you both fall asleep under your shared blanket.
Not knowing, that they were his last words.
Day 8
You woke up from a deep slumber and moved your blanket. You saw that Renjun was still ‘sleeping’. Softly you shaked him to wake him up, with no sign of success. He didn't response in any way. After a few more times of you trying to wake him up and him still not moving an inch, you tried to recall which date it was today.
No, it can't be.
Yesterday was the last day you would spend with him. One week. Seven days. All moved by faster than you could remember. In your final hope you searched for his heartbeat, but you didn't hear anything. You couldn't. Now you would need to accept the fact that he was gone. Forever.
You start sobbing. "Renjun, please wake up. Please!" Despite your wobbly arms, you shook his body, screaming so uncontrollably loud that it even hurt your ears. It's my birthday. Today is supposed to be a happy day. This has to be a nightmare. I'll always be by your side. Resonating in your mind you hear a faint voice, but you just ignore it. Renjun was right. Not everyone has a happy ending. And you were certainly one of them.
I'm sorry for breaking our promise
©ɴᴄᴛᴡᴏʀsᴛsᴛᴜғғ@/ᴛᴜᴍʙʟʀ
#nct 127#nct dream#nct#nct u#nct 2021#nct imagines#nct angst#nct scenarios#renjun#nct drabbles#renjun drabbles#renjun angst#kpop#kpop imagines#kpop scenarios#renjun x reader#nct x reader#nctzen#nct 2020
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Home/Family Update - May 2021
I will take this right back to when I was discharged from the Priory in December. From there I moved back home with my parents; it was a bit of a difficult transition as I didn't have any home leave in the lead up to being discharged due to COVID and my consultant wanting me to make the most of my time on the ward. Add to that my EDP going completely awol, meaning that our whole 4 week pre-discharge meetings and relapse prevention plan went out the window. So yes it was a bit of a rocky start, and that is without you factoring in COVID lockdown/Christmas.
Being discharged from an IP setting is never easy no matter who you are; changes in environment and routine can throw you off track without you even realising it and I did find myself struggling with this. I also had the difficult navigation of adapting to coming home in terms of my dad and his recovery. For those who might not know, last March my dad fell down the stairs in the middle of the night the day that my parents arrived home after a month in NZ. He suffered 3 brain bleeds (a subdural, an extradural and a subarachnoid), multiple facial fractures and a break in his spine. That night was one of, if not THE, worst of my life. We were told that it was very likely that he would not survive and that if he did he would be in a vegetated state or not able to take care of himself...we were told to prepare for the worst. By some MIRACLE he defied all the odds and at the age of 74 after spending 11 or so days on the ICU, a further 2 weeks on a trauma ward and then another 3 months in a neuro rehab, he was discharged home and is now, a year on from the accident, completely independent, no sign of further brain bleeds and is actually much fitter than he has been for, well, 50 years! Honestly, we never expected anything like this sort of recovery and from an outside perspective he is doing perfectly. However, there are things that will never be the same again and I don't think it is until you are with someone 24/7 that you are able to tell. He has changed quite a bit as a person; in some ways this is a good thing but in other ways it is not so. He cannot deal with changes in environment or routine; even things like having the bread on the side instead of in the bread bin completely throws him off and he doesn't even register that the bread is there. He gets very easily agitated, can be extremely rude and a little aggressive. Now some of this was already there (a lot of it was) but it has become more acutely obvious since the head injury. I have SO much respect and love for my mum - I really dont know how she has held herself up over the past 2 years, as well as helping dad when he was initially transitioning home (I was still in hospital but it sounded like he needed a lot of help for the first few months - which I only saw an inch of when they were able to visit me in hospital (he used to wander off and didn't know where he was etc. which is thankfully no longer and issue!)).
This is hard for me to say but I will admit that I have struggled more than I thought I would with being around him; in short I pretty much went through the whole mourning process whilst I was in hospital as the last time i saw him on the trauma ward before they stopped all visits and before I was admitted, he didn't know who I was...He thought he lived in another country and was telling me all sorts of stories that were fabricated, before telling me that he needed to go and pick up the mercedes and drive to sainsburys to get the Gin and petrol (we don't have a mercedes and he doesn't even like gin!) Anyway, I digress. So yes, I basically mourned for someone who was still alive physically but mentally had changed as at the time I didn't know whether he would be in a vegetated state or make a good recovery. Thankfully we are on the good side and he is doing so incredibly well but the bottom line is that he is different and living with him, at the age of 26, is HARD. We have good days and bad days (as any young adult who lives with their parents does) and there are many many days that I wish I wasn't living at home but I do my best to hold myself together during those times, especially for my mum because she, I tell you, is absolutely incredible. How she has put up with him for so long I honestly do not know!
Talking of mum, I would say that since the whole accident with dad, we have become a LOT closer. We really had to lean on each other over that month; we were driving down to Brighton every single day to see dad on the ICU and on the Trauma ward until we were stopped from visiting - it was mentally and physically exhausting for the both of us, especially as we were still barely processing the trauma and struggling with flashbacks in the night. We were the first ones on the scene of the accident (if it weren't for mum's medical training, dad would not be alive today). Of course we still have our moments but I feel like our relationship almost "levelled up and matured over the past year. We have bonded over being in nature and walking (because what else can you do when the country is in lockdown!?! but also because we have always been an "outdoors" family (well my mum, Andi and me have))- we also talk about dad and the accident quite a bit too, which has helped me beyond belief (and her too). We give each other space, and yes there are days when we dont get on but who doesn't have days when they dont?
On balance I would say that home is "okay". It is manageable. No the environment is not perfect and I do find it affects my mental health quite a bit and holds me back in some ways (I cannot wait to be able to move out one day) but I am incredibly grateful to have parents that are willing to and can afford to take me under their roof and help me out during this time.
Gosh, this has already ended up so much longer than I thought it would, I am sorry! In short: home life is okay. We are here and that is the most important thing. We saw Andi a two-ish weeks ago as we were in Cornwall for our usual time-share (we were so lucky that Boris allowed self catering two weeks before our usual time share week) - I think it was good for them to get out of their flat as I don't think they had left the small area where they live since last September when we went down to Cornwall (I was given leave for a week as it was sold to my consultant to help my dad's recovery, which is definitely did but yes we did pull the right strings to get that one!)
Anyway, I shall leave this update here and start the mammoth task of the next one. I am sorry that this is taking me so long, it's quite hard to write and think back and reflect (although actually quite helpful for me to do) so I do find that I have to come back to it a few times. Please stick with me x
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I forgot to add that dad had an assessment before we went away to Cornwall to see whether he can have his driving license back and (as mum and I predicted) he failed. To say that he did not take it well would be putting it lightly!!! I am actually ashamed of the way that he behaved and the things that he said/the reasons he fabricated as to why he had failed (let's just say he got sexist and rude - which I have ZERO time for and was appalled by him - I am so glad I was not with him/mum after the assessment as I would have blown my fuse at hime). He could not even entertain the idea that he had failed. He blamed everything/anything else that he could - even saying that it was the system and one of the first things he said to me was "I understand now, I've worked it out, it's the system, they aren't allowed to pass many people first time so that's it", which I just *speechless*. Mum and I have talked about it a lot and we don't think that he has ever "failed" at anything in his life. He also believes that he is 10000%. fixed and has no issues or problems and doesn't need any support or guidance. He refuses to listen to mum and I when we try to tell him about how unwell he was, he refuses to believe it and won't take it. One thing that mum and I are very glad of is that all of this driving stuff is OUTSIDE of the family. He can't put it on us. It is coming from an external place and we can support him if he lets us but that is his decision as to whether he lets us or not. He has never been a good patient; and he also won't take any advice (in anything) from mum or let her be right about something either, which is just sad, really sad. This is not a new thing, it has always been this way. And the more I reflect on our family/have reflected over the past year with dad in hospital, the more I see that I don't like. The way dad has behaved and treated mum, how he was always missing in my childhood, how alcohol always came above family, how old fashioned and unwilling to learn he is, how distant and uninterested he was, how he never says please or thank you, never asks how anyone is and refuses to talk about mental health (yep, despite so much going on in our family with mental illnesses, he refuses to talk about it and won't even ask "how are you?" or offer support etc)...I don't mean to be so negative about him, I really don't. I love him, he is my dad, but there is a lot of healing that needs to be done, and it is going to take time.
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The Red Name pt 4
part one || part two || part three
The bed was cold when Michael woke up. The sun was high in the sky and Alex was long gone. All that was left in the whole cabin were the sheets on the bed and Michael’s phone on Alex’s pillow. The notification light was blinking and Michael already didn’t care about what anyone had to say to him right now.
He unlocked it anyway when he saw the new email icon. He never got emails.
It was from Alex.
From: [email protected]
We should’ve talked. That was always our problem, if we’re honest. Too much sex and not enough talking.
I’m glad we didn’t though. You were right, we’d just make each other sad and angry and that’s not how I wanted to spend my last night with you. Because that’s what it was. Regardless of what happens on my deployment, we both know this thing between us is in the past and it’s time I gave up and moved on like you’ve managed to do.
Over the last two years I wrote you a lot of emails. Basically whenever I wanted to talk to you but couldn’t I’d write an email. I’m not sure why I’m doing this now but I just sent all of them to you. You can read them or delete them, it’s up to you, I guess.
I love you. That hasn’t changed and it never will.
Goodbye Michael.
A
Michael blinked away the sudden tears that sprung to his eyes. For all that he’d shoved Alex away over the last few years and flaunted the fact that he could move on, Alex telling him goodbye broke his heart. Michael wasn’t sure how they’d gotten to this point. It felt like one thing after another just piled on until there was no hope left. He wanted to fix it, even when he’d been with Maria part of him had wanted to fix it, he just didn’t know how. And now it was too late.
Rereading the email, he spotted the part about new emails and quickly exited out of that one. And there they were. Michael scrolled down to find the oldest one but it was impossible to tell. They didn’t seem to be in any particular order so he just clicked one and then another and then another.
From: [email protected]
I saw you at the Pony today. You looked like shit. Have you been sleeping? Eating? Or are you just existing on alcohol and acetone?
I hope it’s making you feel better because it’s not helping anyone. Not your sister, who really needs you right now by the way, not me, not Maria, and certainly not Max.
I wish you’d let me help you.
A
From: [email protected]
You drive me crazy sometimes you know that? First, you want nothing to do with me or Project Shepherd. And now it’s all you care about. Well, Project Shepherd at least. You still don’t seem to want anything to do with me.
Am I suddenly that repulsive to you? Because of my father? Fuck him. Seriously, Guerin, fuck. him. Don’t let him do this to us.
A
From: [email protected]
You could’ve at least done me the courtesy of telling me you were dating Maria instead of letting me find out by walking in on you two.
Fuck you Michael
From: [email protected]
You need to pull yourself together. Your sister is drowning and she needs you and you don’t even notice. Liz and I should not be the ones keeping her afloat. She needs her brother, dammit.
If only I could get you to stay in the same room as me for longer than 2 seconds
A
From: [email protected]
I can’t decide if you’re oblivious or stupid or just plain cruel
I get it, okay. You moved on. You’re happy. I’m happy you’re happy but I really don’t need a front row seat to you sticking your tongue down someone else’s throat okay? Would it kill you to cool it on the pda?
A
From: [email protected]
Max is back. You weren’t there.
A
From: [email protected]
I’m drunk. I shouldn’t bother with this it’s not like you’re going to read it anyway but I’m drunk and I’m lonely and it’s my birthday
Ten years apart and you never missed my birthday but now that I’m back you can’t be bothered? I want to be mad at you but I’m too sad to be mad
What did I do wrong Michael? Why are you doing this?
A
From: [email protected]
You ever throw something anywhere near the vicinity of Maria again and I swear to god I will knock you on your ass
Don’t touch her. Don’t even get close. I don’t give a shit how drunk you are
A
From: [email protected]
It’s the anniversary of Caulfield and I don’t want you to be alone but you won’t let me near you
I hope you told Maria what day it is or Isobel or someone. I hope you’re not alone.
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry Michael
A
From: [email protected]
You look happy
I miss you
A
From: [email protected]
I never thought of us as having an anniversary, not really, but if we had one it would be today
I was ready, Michael. I was fucking ready dammit. Why’d you have to pick then to finally be the one to walk away? I mean I know I deserved it after all the times I left you but your timing sucks.
A
From: [email protected]
I got my new posting. Also got new orders to deploy. I’m leaving Roswell and I don’t think I’m coming back this time
A
From: [email protected]
You came by today. I’m pretty sure it's the first time you’ve been out here since you told me in no uncertain terms that we were done. You wanted more info on Project Shepherd, on the Alighting that Noah mentioned. You could barely look me in the eyes. It was like I was just a colleague and not even one you particularly liked that much and it hurt.
I get that we’re never going to be together but why can’t we be friends? Is it really that impossible? We’re either fucking or not looking each other in the eye? No in between? That’s bullshit
Why do you get to decide everything? When do I get a say in this? What if I want more? Do you even care what I want?
Don’t answer that. It’s pretty fucking obvious you don’t.
A
From: [email protected]
I had lunch with Liz and Rosa and Maria today. It was awkward and painful. I’ve never hated you before but I think I hate you for fucking up my friendship with Maria. She was all I had for years and now it’s ruined because of you
Be happy with her. Make it worth it
A
From: [email protected]
It’s not your fault. Me and Maria I mean. We fucked that up all on our own and neither one of us have really tried to fix it. You played a part, yeah, but don’t blame yourself for this too. You put too much on yourself already, you shouldn’t add this to it
A
From: [email protected]
You make a beautiful couple
Better than we ever did. Not that we were ever a couple. Not like you and Maria
We wouldn’t have worked right? That’s why you left? Because we would’ve crashed and burned?
Merry Christmas Michael
A
From: [email protected]
For someone who got angry every time I mentioned the Air Force you really didn’t seem to care that I re-upped. I don’t know what to make of that.
I’m going to protect you Michael, I promise. My father will never get his hands on you or your family ever again.
A
From: [email protected]
Why can’t I get over you? I’ve tried fucking other guys, dating other guys, it doesn’t matter.
I’ve never been able to get over you. I don’t know why I thought now would be any different.
All I want is you. All I’ve ever wanted is you.
A
From: [email protected]
Full disclosure - I’ve had a lot to drink. Liek a lot
Did you know that your people essentially mate for life? Yep. Turn 30 and the true essence of your heart will reveal itself on your skin and name the person you love most. It will stay there forever. Cant be cut off or inked over. Cant change neither. Once its there its there
Your turning 30 in a few months
I wont survive seeing her name on you i wont
I filed papers for a transfer today. Project Shepherd is basically dead and by the time the transfer comes through it will be really dead and i cant stay here anymore im not strong enough. I need to be not here when her name comes
A
From: [email protected]
Its my name. Fucking hell Michael its MY name??
What the fuck have the last two years been if its mY FUCKING NAME?
A
From: [email protected]
It hurt before when i thought you’d truly moved on but this? Oh this takes the cake
You love me. More than LITERALLY anything. And you still dont care enough to be with me
This is…
You should’ve left me in Caulfield and just saved yourself
A
From: [email protected]
You left a birthday present in my car. Why?
Thank you
I love it
A
From: [email protected]
Her name is Mara.
She used to sing to the other prisoners when they were scared. She had such a beautiful voice.
You won’t let me tell you about her but I think you should know. This was your mother, you should know who she was.
I’m sorry you didn’t get the chance to find out the right way. I really am.
A
From: [email protected]
I saw you on the street today. You were outside the jewelry store.
I wish you both a long happy life together. You both deserve it.
A
There were more. So many more. Michael had to stop and pace himself or he’d start breaking things.
It took him weeks to get through all of them. Some made him cry, some made him smash every fragile thing in Max’s house (he owed him new windows), but some made him smile.
From: [email protected]
I got a dog. Her name is Buffy. If anything happens to her I will kill everyone involved and then myself
Pics attached since I don’t know when I’ll see you.
A
From: [email protected]
Wilson’s getting married, can you believe it? I would’ve bet good money he’d die a happy bachelor. It’ll be so good to see the squad again. He invited everyone, even O’Brien.
He’s making me wear a tux, though, no uniforms :(
A
From: [email protected]
I think you’ve cursed me. I used to very happily not give a shit about football fuck you very much
(Eagles made the playoffs fuck yeah)
A
From: [email protected]
There’s this new prosthetic prototype the military wants to try out and somehow I landed on the shortlist of candidates to get it
It’s supposed to be so amazing you don’t even know. It’ll be waterproof! I can stand in the shower!
(its the little things sometimes)
A
From: [email protected]
I’ve really fucking missed Rosa. I know you miss your brother and I’m sorry but I never really let myself process how much I missed her
I promise to do everything I can to bring Max back. I owe him one
A
From: [email protected]
Rosa doesn’t like the jacket. She’s gotta go
A
From: [email protected]
I’m going to LA Pride next week. I’d ask you to come with me but you seem a little busy passing out on the floor of the Pony every night
I’m taking Isobel instead
A
From: [email protected]
I’ve got this new project at work that’s actually really interesting. I keep staying late to work on it and so Project Shepherd is falling behind but fuck Michael I love it
A
From: [email protected]
There was a crazy meteor shower last night. You would’ve loved it
A
From: [email protected]
The sunsets out here are unreal. I’ve been in a few deserts and seen a few coasts but nothing, NOTHING, beats this view
Its beautiful
A
From: [email protected]
It’s cheating on the Wild Pony, I know, but if you go over to Dexter there’s a great little bar that does open mic night on Thursdays.
It’s been a long time since I sang. I’ve missed it. You should come sometimes.
A
Michael missed out on a lot while he was with Maria. He never wanted to miss those moments again.
In the five weeks it took him to get through all of the emails, no one heard from Alex. He’d warned them he’d be out of touch but it was still jarring. Michael took to driving out to the cabin or bugging Rosa to let him play with Buffy just so he could feel close to Alex.
A week after he finished Alex’s emails he started writing his own.
From: [email protected]
You’ve been gone six weeks. I miss you. I’m pretty sure I lost the right to say that but I don’t care. I do.
I read all of your emails
M
From: [email protected]
I thought about responding to some of your emails individually but then I thought maybe just one would do it.
I’m sorry. I was a colossal jackass and you didn’t deserve any of it. I never should have blamed you for what your father did. You aren’t him, Alex.
There are only two people in my life that I trust to always be there: Isobel and you. Even when you walked away you always came back and I got used to that, I guess. When everything was spiraling out of control I needed someone to be angry at and I needed it to be someone who wouldn’t leave. Isobel was already going through hell so I picked you. I pushed you away as hard as I could and you stayed. You re-upped to protect me. You stayed in Roswell because you knew I needed you even though I refused to admit it. I put you through hell and you never said a word. Thank you. I should’ve said it a long time ago and I’m sorry I didn’t.
I’m sorry I finally pushed hard enough that you had to leave. Roswell’s your home and these people are your family. When you get back from your deployment you should come home and see them. I can leave if it’ll make it easier for you but you shouldn’t leave them just because I’m an ass.
M
From: [email protected]
I think Liz is actually dating both Kyle and Max. I’m also pretty sure Max and Kyle are not dating each other. Sometimes though...how sure are you that Kyle is straight?
M
From: [email protected]
I can’t decide if it’s too weird or not weird enough watching my sister and my ex girlfriend try to date.
M
From: [email protected]
You said you didn’t love me. Why did you say that if you did?
I don’t know that I would have done anything different but I’d like to think I’d have been more considerate about Maria had I known. I thought you were over me. You said you were.
M
From: [email protected]
It’s been three years since Caulfield and I’m alone. One of your emails mentioned that you didn’t want me to be alone but I am. I always am. No one understands. No one can possibly understand.
Kyle gave me a bottle of whiskey this morning. I’m trying to drink less but now that I’ve got a doctor’s seal of approval, I might just need to enjoy it.
M
From: [email protected]
I left my mom to die for you. I don’t think I would’ve left for anyone else.
M
From: [email protected]
I miss you. I think I’ve been missing you for years but you were right there so I didn’t realize it
Be safe. Come home
M
From: [email protected]
I’m a little obsessed with my mark ngl
It’s in my own handwriting but I wish it was yours. So it would actually be a piece of you with me
M
From: [email protected]
It’s crazy. When you were here all I could think about when I saw you was your dad and your brothers and Caulfield. I know it’s not fair and it’s not right but I can’t control it
But now you’re not here. And I look around the cabin and all I see is you making breakfast or burning the popcorn that one night we tried to watch a movie and ended up making out instead. I can’t sleep at the Airstream without thinking of you. Did I ever tell you that you’re the only person I ever brought home? Every other person I ever hooked up I either went to their place or found somewhere else. But not you. You came home with me.
Liz wanted a group outing to the drive in. But I said no. I can’t go there anymore.
M
From: [email protected]
My eyes are burning. Too much naked sister
M
From: [email protected]
First I see my sister having sex and now my brother’s asking me for gay sex tips
I can’t
M
From: [email protected]
When we broke up Maria accused me of being with her because I loved her less, because then she couldn’t hurt me. I thought she was crazy but now I think she had a point. I literally just walked in on her in bed with someone else (I’ve completely blocked out the memory of who it was) and it didn’t hurt. I’m just...happy for her. She smiles more these days than she has in a while
It's nothing like when I saw you on a date that one time and had the sudden urge to beat the guy into a bloody mess with my bare hands. It's a nice change of pace
M
From: [email protected]
It’s been four months since anyone’s heard from you. I hope you’re okay and just not allowed to contact anyone.
Please be okay Alex. I don’t know what I’ll do if you’re not
M
From: [email protected]
Some idiot decided to put in a record store on Main St. Who even buys records anymore?
It has open mic night almost every night though. You’d love it
M
From: [email protected]
I seem to have moved into your cabin. Oops
The bed doesn't smell like you anymore :(
M
From: [email protected]
It’s Valentine’s Day and you’re not here and I don’t even know if you’d want to see me if you were but let me just say this:
You’re an asshole and I love it
You care so much about people, about your family (the real one not the jackasses named Manes), and you give so much of yourself for other people I’m constantly in awe of you
You named your dog after a vampire slayer; what a dork (next one should be Faith)
You are the strongest person I know. I put you through hell and you’re still standing and you somehow still love me. I don’t understand but I can’t complain
I miss watching movies with you even if your constant commentary can be annoying as hell
I can’t eat omelets at restaurants anymore, you’ve ruined me for life
Your voice is breathtaking; you should never stop singing
I love you
Happy Valentine’s Day Alex
M
From: [email protected]
Please just tell me when you’re home so I know you’re safe
M
From: [email protected]
Rosa has a boyfriend. It’s weird. We can’t talk around him. Too many secrets.
M
From: [email protected]
I broke the ship. Most of its still in the bunker but I scattered some pieces around town. The Airstream, Isobel’s, Max’s, the Crashdown, the Pony, other places too
The biggest piece is right here at the cabin. I needed it to be with you
M
From: [email protected]
Jenna’s back
M
From: [email protected]
Happy Birthday Alex
I’m sorry I missed one. I promise not to miss any ever again.
They probably don't have any good cake where you’re at so I’ll just have to take you out for some when you get home
M
From: [email protected]
I’ve co-opted Buffy from Rosa. She’s not getting her back
M
Over six months after Alex left, Michael received his first new email.
From: [email protected]
Subject: YOUR EYES ONLY
You’re unbelievable. Asshole
827 Willowbrook Cir #231
Marlow Heights, MD 20746
A
P.S. Don’t forget Buffy
#malex fic#rnm#my fic#this one is 100% malex#ch5 will be 0% malex to offset it#next time i decide to format a fic/chapter like this somebody punch me#i've had to reformat it 3 times and im DONE
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Sanders Behavioral Health, Chapter 4: Mother Logan
three hours bouta be gone
discord for only the truest Lads. gender dont matter- Astro’s Zone
Three hours.
Fifteen minutes.
Another hour.
Another break.
And so on and so forth, until it was exactly 8:45 p.m. and Logan would get ready for bed, and when 9:00 came around he would ideally be sleeping, no electronic devices in sight.
It was the perfect schedule for a weekend of study. And Logan sure did need it, he was only a couple months ahead in the curriculum, which was a month less than where he should be right now.
But just as Logan sat down to start, his phone chimed. Logan was 100% prepared to ignore it, but the voice told him he had to pick it up. The metaphorical voice, of course. Now that he knew how to identify it, he knew it was either his OCD or anxiety, and oftentimes both.
Logan stared at the book in front of him, not moving in the slightest. He knew it was stupid, he didn’t have to check anything. But, he could still anxiety rushing through his body.
He picked up the phone and went through his texts, feeling relief almost instantaneously.
FamILY!
{ We should all hang out today!!! }
[ Wait whend the chat name change ]
| like last night roman where were you |
[ Sleeping??? ]
| sleep? who’s she never heard of her |
[ And going back to Patton i am free today ]
{ Yay!!!! }
| my parents are gonna force me to do homework if I don’t, so sure |
{ !!!! }
{ Logan? }
{ We can see you’re online!! }
( I’m afraid I am busy today. I’m studying. )
{ I thought you were ahead in the class?? }
( Yes, I am. But I am not where I want to be. )
{ Aw, Logan!! You should take time to not overwork yourself!!! }
( I do. And I was under the impression that you were busy this weekend. )
[ And i oop- ]
| i can’t believe roman’s a vsco girl |
[ sksksksk ]
| that wasn’t an invitation. |
{ I am for most of the day!! I was thinking we could have a sleepover!!!! ^-^ }
| wait so i do have to do my homework? |
| i’m willing to do it if it means i get to punch roman when he acts like a vsco girl again |
[ Id like to see you try ]
{ I would very much prefer there to be no punching, but it’s great to see you’re both in!!! }
{ And Logan? }
( ... )
( I suppose I can think about it. )
{ OMG YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! }
{ We have the whole famILY :3!!! }
| huh I thought roman would’ve had something to say about that. |
{ I do have some bad news though ;-; }
{ My parents are repainting our living room and don’t wanna risk anyone messing it up :( }
{ So I was wondering if either of you were willing to host? Not Logan because he’s still considering it }
| ugh i should’ve been more picky about it and I wouldn't have to go through this |
| well my room’s too messy and it’d take more than the day to clean |
{ Well, Roman??? }
{ Roman?????????? }
[ Wait what ]
[ Sorry one of my posters fell down and i had to fix it ]
[ Lemme read through the chat ]
| lmao |
[ … ]
[ asdkfldsaihateyouvirgildksfl i suppose i can do it ]
| hey i see that |
[ My parents are out for the weekend so yea ]
{ !!!! YAY!!!!!! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! }
-- --
Logan’s anxiety was yelling at him once more, telling him he needed to put the phone down. Ever compliant to the voice, he put it in a drawer under the desk. A little unnecessary, sure, but it made him feel better.
Logan shook his head, the voice driving into him once more. He was off-schedule! That’s 10 minutes of studying, wasted . He was certainly going to fail, all it would take was one set off his system and he’d get addicted to the freedom it promised.
He took out his pencil, and arranged the books around him to be exactly how he wanted. If it wasn’t, it would be unbalanced, and that certainly wouldn’t do.
Because everyone knows you can’t study unless you have a perfect workspace.
Right?
--
Logan was outside his house, door in front of his face. He huffed.
His parents had kicked him out for a couple hours, telling him he had to go outside for once instead of staying holed up in his study room.
They didn’t get it.
They didn’t get why it was wrong .
According to them, Ramona Steers, a staff from Sanders, had told them all the ins and outs of what they needed to help Logan get better, and that making him go outside was one of them.
Originally, they said he’d have to be out for 5 hours, but once he told them about the sleepover situation, they had agreed to take an hour off.
So, he was going to a sleepover, he had 4 hours outside, $100 to spend as he wished, and nowhere to go.
--
Logan walked into the popular local café, The Lolapad, known for it’s fantastic drinks, welcoming aesthetic, and it’s kind owner, Lola Adams.
Lilo was at the counter today, alongside her coworker… Patton?! Logan narrowed his eyes, Patton had never talked about a job, and Logan was a frequent visitor to The Lolapad. Logan knew he had to question him about it.
Well, once he got through this excruciatingly long line, anyway.
The only downside to The Lolapad was its popularity. With it being this early in the morning, it was full of daytime workers preparing for the long day ahead of them. Logan sighed.
He admired the decorations. The floor was a deep blue, to mimic water. The tables were designed like lilypads, and the chairs had a flower pattern. The walls were purple, with painted vines crawling up in some corners of the room.
The ceiling decor was the most impressive, though. Soft, blue lights and glass hung on wires from the ceiling, almost like bubbles flying towards the sky. There was no competition that would ever pass The Lolapad, at least not anywhere nearby.
He recognized a few students lounging in chairs, mostly consisting of the upbeat, extroverted club members.
And, if he was right, one Vanessa Cordill, with her boyfriend, Jace Lendell.
God, he despised Vanessa. She had been a huge bully in the past, only stopping after he stopped reacting to it. Logan hardly had anything to do in class, having learned all of this in his own time, and his teachers would yell at him the moment he picked up a book to study ahead of the curriculum. So, seeing what his classmates were doing was the only interesting option.
And oh, Logan saw .
He was never one for gossip, but he remembered so many things.
And most of it had to do with Vanessa.
Like that time she had snuck a gun into the bag of the boy beside her- Victor Jackson. Victor was taller, and larger, and had a mean-looking face. For anyone who got to know him, though, he was very sweet, and hated hurting people.
Victor was expelled the next day.
Logan had, of course, defended Victor. But Vanessa was convincing, lying her way through her nice girl act until the principal was convinced.
So, Logan did what he did best. He collected evidence. And, once he felt as though he had enough, he would report her.
But until then, he was forced to stand by and watch as Vanessa got to do whatever she wanted.
She was like a villain out of a bad movie, or a crappy fanfiction.
“Oh, Logan!” Patton’s voice dragged him out of his thoughts. Logan was at the front of the line, apparently. “I didn’t expect to see you here!”
“Neither did I,” he responded. “When did you start working here?”
“Oh, no, I don’t usually work here! Jessalyn asked me to replace her today, well, she asked last week- so I’m working here for a couple hours! Lola was okay with it, she’s really nice y’know? And-”
“Are you getting paid?” Logan asked. It would be rather selfish of Jessalyn to keep all of the money, at least in his opinion.
Patton shook his head. “Nuh-uh. But I’m okay with it though! I like helping people. Now, what can I get ya?”
--
Logan found himself on a swing at an empty park. He had finished his drink, and was now letting himself go back, and forth, back, and forth. He wasn’t the biggest fan of attempting to do anything… potentially dangerous, but he found softly letting himself go back and forth was a good way to collect his thoughts.
The birds chirped in the background as the sun shone above him. Everything was as it should be, but he couldn’t stay too long at the risk of getting a sunburn.
He heard a text come in, and he pulled out his phone.
FamILY!
{ If your son gets burnt by the sun, is it a sonburn? }
-- --
Logan smiled slightly as the replies came in from his friends, all exclamations of distaste as Patton sent a plethora of emojis, that mostly being-
Oh.
Wait.
His friends .
…
Hm.
Not that he was against that, of course, but the immediate reaction of calling them his friends was, well, a little unnerving. He had always been the quiet one, and had a few friends in the past, though they had all moved away to other towns or cities or whatever . He didn’t care.
And if his new friends did the same, he would be okay with that. Yes, he would definitely be okay with that. If they cared, they would contact him, and if they didn’t, he was okay with that. There was no use fighting it, after all that would only give him more time to study.
As it should be.
He put his phone away, no use replying, as he had already agreed to go to their sleepover.
He heard giggling from behind him. He was brought back to the real world, only to find that he had slowed to a stop. Logan turned his head around.
There stood a small being, maybe 6-7 years old, and definitely a child. He had a light brown mop of hair on his head, and donned a red-black-green coat and tiara. He stood to face… it.
“Hi! I’m Adrian!” the kid said, stuttering over the ‘r’. “What’s- did you just get done from a- a-
‘businesses’ meeting or somethin?”
Logan looked down at himself. He wasn’t even wearing a tie today… he had a simple black button-up shirt, and jeans. What about this screamed ‘professional’?
“No,” was all he said in response.
“Are you- are you gonna go to a businesses meeting?”
“No. I’m still in high school.” At this, the miniature human named Adrian grinned, and he could practically see the metaphorical sparkles.
“That’s so cool! I’m only in firs’ grade, but Mommy says I’m gonna be 7 in-” Adrian started counting on his fingers. “15 months!”
“What… do you mean 15 days?” he asked, it was either that or 15 weeks. Adrian nodded excitedly. What he was excited for, Logan couldn’t tell.
“YEAH! I’m gonna be so smart!” Adrian boasted, causing Logan to smile slightly. “Do you wanna come play wif me?”
“I- er-” he was cut off as the 6-year-old grabbed his hand and tugged him along towards a large willow tree.
“I’m gonna show you my friend- her name is Joy! She has two dads, isn’t that so cool! Some people make funs of her for it- but I find it cool! She’s really funny, there she is!” He pointed towards a girl, presumably 6 as well, in a princess costume, and very red hair.
“JOY! I FOUNDS US A FRIEND FOR OUR TEA PARTY!” hold on, tea party ?!
“It’s Princess Joy now,” the girl stated, surprisingly strict for someone so small. “Who is he?”
“Dis is Logan!” Adrian said, adding in a whispered, “he’s a buisnesses man”
“Hold on-” Logan tried. He suddenly found the purple princess in front of him, eyebrow raised. Was he about to get judged by a child?
“Hmm,” Joy said, looking him up and down before nodding. “He may stay.”
She turned around and strutted back to where she was sitting before. She dusted off her skirt before plopping down on the ground, gesturing for them to sit near her.
“We don’t have an actual table, so we gotta pretend.” Adrian whispered to him before skipping over and sitting near Joy. Logan reluctantly joined them.
“Princess Adrian, may you please pour the tea?” Joy instructed. Adrian nodded, miming the actions of pouring.
“Princess?”
“Yes, Peasant Logan,” Logan jerked his head back, this kid - “Princess is longer than prince so’s it’s better than a prince. Princess Adrian and me are both princesses.”
“Prince and princess are equal titles.” Logan said. Joy actually looked offended .
“Impossible.”
“Yeah!” Adrian chimed in, sitting himself down in his spot. “Everyone knows that.”
“But-”
“Princess Adrian! That’s rude, Logan’s a peasant so he didn’t know.” Joy said, taking a ‘sip’ of imaginary tea.
“Oh! Sorrys Logan.” Adrian’s voice lowered, and if Logan was right he was on the verge of tears?
“Er… It’s okay Adri- Princess Adrian.”
Adrian brightened. “YAAAY!” he cheered, getting up and bouncing around him. Logan didn’t know what to do-
“That is not princess behavior, Princess Adrian.” Joy said, turning up her nose. Adrian looked confused.
“It isn’t?”
“Princesses are more quiet. I’m 7, so I know better.”
“I’m 17,” Logan cut in. Joy turned to him.
“And? You’re still a peasant, Logan. I don’t makes the rules,” Joy put her cup of tea down. “I only knows them.”
Logan was about to respond, when-
“Woah, hey what’s going on here?” another voice said. Turning around, Logan saw Roman enter their little… area behind the leaves. He sighed.
Adrian gasped from beside him, nearly tripping over his feet in order to get to Roman. He peered up at him.
“Are yous a prince?” He asked, practically vibrating where he stood. Roman scoffed.
“Of course I am, I’m Prince Roman! I just lost my crown.” Roman announced. Adrian glanced at Joy, who nodded, causing Adrian to smile.
“I’m Princess Adrian! That’s,” he turned back around to point at Joy and Logan. “Princess Joy and Peasant Logan.” Roman, the bastard, hid his giggles behind his hand. Logan glared.
“Peasant Logan didn’t knows that princesses are higher than princes cause princess is longer. That’s true, right?” He asked, dragging Roman along to sit with them. Roman looked at Logan, smug.
“Of course! It’s common knowledge! For shame, Logan!” Roman exclaimed as he sat.
“For shame!” Adrian repeated. Logan groaned, shoving his face into his hands. This is not how he thought his day would go.
He felt a small hand pat his knee, and he looked up to see Joy looking at him with a sympathetic frown.
“It’s okay, Logan. Not all of us can be royalty.” She said, before returning to her princess persona and commanding, “Princess Adrian, would you may please pour Prince Roman some tea?”
Adrian nodded, standing up and dashing around the ‘table’ to give Roman his… ‘tea’.
“Thank you, Princess Adrian, I am forever in your debt.” Roman mock bowed from his sitting position. Adrian giggled before returning to Joy.
“Once we are done with our tea, we shall help you find your crown, Prince Roman.” Joy said before taking another sip.
“Of course. Thank you, Your Highness,” Roman faked taking a sip of his tea. “I must say, this tea is quite delicious! I commend your skills, Princess Joy.”
Joy preened at the praise, resituating the tiara on her head. “Thank you, Prince Roman. It is greatly appra- appre- appreciated.”
Minutes of his free time went by as they all mimed sipping tea and making small talk. Well, all except Logan. That quickly changed once Joy prompted him to start drinking, with Adrian and Roman piping up in agreement. Begrudgingly, Logan followed through.
Eventually, Joy stood up and announced that they had all finished their tea, and had to search for Roman’s crown. Logan argued that Roman’s crown didn’t exist. Joy said he was just a peasant and didn’t know what he was talking about. That shut Logan up pretty quick.
So, he was dragged around on the search for a crown he was certain didn’t exist. Joy separated them into teams, Roman and Joy on one, Logan and Adrian on the other. She said her reasoning was ‘one to search and one to protect’, with both her and Adrian on the search side.
Logan silently followed Adrian around as he set out to find it, looking in the places it couldn’t even be at times.
“Logan!” Adrian whispered, tugging on his sleeve. “Logan look! Issa bunny.”
And it was. A cream colored rabbit was frozen staring at them, ready to move at any sudden movement. Hm, that reminded him of Virgil… or was that rude?
He watched as Adrian slowly crept up on the rabbit. Logan looked around to find Joy and Roman. He saw Joy’s bright purple dress… in a tree? Roman was right next to her, carefully following to catch her if she fell while she was searching the tree.
He turned once more to Adrian, only to find him cuddling the bunny. Odd… if it were wild, it would have bolted the moment he came too close, so this one must be socialized. He walked towards Adrian and the rabbit.
Adrian smiled at him as he approached.
“I named him Jerry!” Adrian whispered, extending the rabbit towards Logan. “Wanna pet ‘im?”
Logan reached out to Jerry, only to jump back when it tried to bite him.
“Bad Jerry! Don’t bite people!” Adrian reprimanded the animal, as if it were a dog and not a clearly aggressive rabbit.
Well, at least when they brought it over to the other two it attempted to bite them, so at least it wasn’t exclusively Logan. It seemed to only like Adrian, to Adrian’s delight and Joy’s distaste. They were quickly corralled into a game of House by Joy, the quest for Roman’s crown forgotten.
Joy claimed herself as the father, saying, “I have two dads so I have to be the dad!”. Both Roman and Adrian nodded in agreement at her claim. She pointed to Logan.
“You shall be the mom!”
“ What- ”
“You act like a mom so you are a mom.” She cut him off, turning to Adrian and Roman for confirmation. They both agreed, Roman looking amused at Logan’s sneer.
“I’ll be the kid!” Adrian announced. Joy nodded and pointed to Roman.
“You can be the dog! Because you remind me of the golden dogs.” She said. Logan would’ve laughed if he hadn’t been put in a worse situation. Roman nodded, looking determined.
“Woof,” was all he said. Joy nodded once more.
“Perfect.”
—
So Logan found himself playing a game of House, something he hadn’t done in years . He interacted as little as they would let him, dear god if another student came and saw him like this, he wouldn’t survive.
He ended up there for far longer than he had wanted, a total of 6 hours since he was kicked out. Yet he was reluctant to leave, he knew it would break the kids hearts if he did.
He was finally freed from his metaphorical prison when a voice called,
“Adrian! Come on, we gotta drop off Joy at her dads’ house!” A woman called. Logan glanced at Adrian.
“Is that your mom?” he asked. Adrian nodded, turning to the two older men. He gave them both hugs, first Logan, then Roman. He even gave Roman his tiara, saying he was sorry they couldn’t find his crown, and he had more tiaras at home. He turned as Joy stood up and they both sprinted towards Adrian’s mom, well, only after Adrian had picked up Jerry.
Both of the remaining boys watched, amused, as Adrian seemed to argue with his mother before she gave up and let Jerry in the car. Before Adrian got in the car, though, he turned to the boys.
“Bye-bye Logan! Bye-bye Prince Roman!” he shouted, before disappearing into the car.
“So,” Roman started, and Logan mentally prepared to be poked fun at.
“See you at my house in a couple hours?” Logan blinked, once, twice, before he realized that he wasn’t being made fun of for playing with children for several hours. Well, he supposed that made sense, as Roman had done the same.
“Uh… sure.” Was all he said before making his way back home.
—
Logan was stressed, to say the least, when he got home. His parents were happy that he stayed out for longer than they had offered, but all Logan’s mind would acknowledge was that he went off schedule. He was going to be so behind, this is why you don’t go off schedule, Logan! You get looped into it, and you’ll never get out of it.
He dedicated the rest of his free time to studying.
As it should be.
#4 chapters in lads#8 more to go and i may rest#jk i have to link to the next chapters after all of this#(:#logan sanders#patton sanders#roman sanders#virgil sanders#sanders sides#fanfiction#aster writes#sbh chapter 4#sanders behavioral health#sbh#yea#oh hey random anxiety attack out of nowhere#nice to see ya again#could you bls be a bit softer rn#uh#tags#astrozone#astrofic#mr thom man#sanders sides fanfiction#what else did i tag already#fanfic#prinxiety fanfiction#logicality fanfiction#tsss
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literally just a dumb unorganized list of school tips
source: im a grad student. i’ve had a lot of school. also i’m adhd & mentally ill and require +8 organization. this is mostly directed @ college students, but maybe high school students can use it too, fuck, idk, it’s been forever since i was stuck in that hell hole
just say “professor” either ur using the correct title for a person (will make them feel good) or you’re giving them a bigger title on the assumption they deserve it (which will make them feel good) and also prevents having to ever i mean ever use their names
talk at least 1 time a week in each class, aim for 1 time a day. even lecture classes. i fucking hate talking in front of more than 5 people, so what i would do is prepare a question about the hw/etc (even if i didn’t need it answered) to ask the professor after class so they saw me and got used to me and saw i was invested in their class. about 89% of teachers - if they see you try, they will pass you. i mean it’s literally that easy. i know people who went from like a c- but because they legit tried, their grade got bumped up to a b-.
if u have to bring a laptop, pre-download the required material/screenshot it, and then turn off your wifi. it’s too easy to not listen.
physical writing will always give you more information recall over typing.
nobody cares about stupid shit anymore trust me they don’t remember that you were accidentally locked in a towel out of your room bc they have their own dumb shit that happened.... in college all the “cringe culture” turns into “god i wish that were me” culture ... wear ur onesie to a party trust me you make +800 friends and 799 of them will be girls telling you you’re adorable and they’d die for you
about locking urself out.... if ur like me and can breeze past post-it notes placed in obvious areas, don’t be a dumb bitch and rely on post-it-notes. while most schools offer 1 free lockout, dont rely on it - it once took 2 hours before someone could get to me. i was in a towel, which meant no phone. so like. anyway, what i do now is i put something on the handle of the door i have to open/unlock. i can’t just open the door w/out the thing falling down and making a loud “you dumb bitch unlock the door before u shower” sound.
this works for all important don’t-forget it things. other obstacles i’ve used to remind myself to do something include: putting a chair with my wholeass posterboard in front of the door, an entire printer with a single piece of paper that just read “for the love of god check to be sure you have that essay”, and a recycling bin i kept forgetting to empty. guess what bitch finally emptied the bin once it was between me and a swift exit!
no offense and like the whole “it’s the best years of your life!” thing is great but in reality everything goes better scholastically when you treat it as “i came here to win, not to make friends.” i still did make friends, went to parties every weekend, was popular enough i’d be invited to several on one night - but i came there to win. when i put my scholastic life and my mental health first, i went from a 2.0 to a 3.98. yes you can, bitch.
you’re spending the money. don’t squander it. trust me when i say i know plenty of people who breeze through, bc you often can. but like. don’t. challenge yourself bc like. talk about an investment.
if you hate your major, change it. don’t make your life something you can’t stand. on that note, do NOT agree 100% to a track until you have at least some experience in the field. i cannot tell u how many ppl i know who got their whole masters/phd program done, walked into their new profession, and were like, Oh Fuck, I Can’t Live Like This.
college literally offers so many free things and if you’re not taking advantage of them whenever possible i get it but like. try to take advantage of them. this is everything from your gym (which probably has free classes dude) to clubs to like. sober events. these sober events are so ... fuckin good dude i’ve made mason jars with little plants in em... bee aviaries... candles.... go to the free stuff
oh ps on free stuff i wanna say about 4 of 5 days there’s free food on campus just look for things like job fairs, presentations, or discussion groups. also while you’re there at the job fair like. u know, go to the job fair in earnest
i took off 2 years to work and also to just. recover from my bullshit. and it took me 6 years and 3 schools to get my bachelor’s. it wasn’t easy but bitch i lived. there’s no such thing as “too long” to graduate if that’s truly what you want to do.
if on the meal plan, eat as clean as you can the first week. then introduce each part of the cafeteria’s possibly-food-poisoning-creating foods one at a time. give @ least 2 days between each experiment so you know for sure if you get sick what caused it. i literally never eat meat at school but you can still get sick off of unwashed lettuce/salad dressing that hasn’t been refrigerated properly/weirdass things you won’t even think of. this prevents like. dying in a public bathroom.
white loaf bread can be gross & boring. discount bakery section for your slightly chewy artisianal bread needs. if overstale, either toast it or dunk it into water and microwave it (unless u got an oven. use the oven if u can)
steal as many apples from the dining hall/events/etc as physically possible just do it they keep FOREVER and @ some point you’ll be like. fUCK i need a nutrition. ps if you’re keeping them in ur backpack (i wouldn’t keep more than 2) make sure to wrap w/a few paper towels so if you drop your bag you don’t get apple mush
write it all down bitch. “i’ll remember it” no you won’t. unless you are capable of remembering every idea on this list and in order, you won’t remember it. in general, if you write something 3 times, you will recall it correctly at least 80% of the time. i also read it out loud to myself, bc, you know, auditory recall
DO NOT just put your assignment at the top of your notes, unless you’re 100% sure that will work for you. in most cases, it’s much better to have a planner/agenda/place you expect to look for assignments. +7 points if you lie to yourself about deadlines and move them all up.
like not to sound too much like a DARE ad but like. if you don’t like it/don’t want it, don’t fuckin do it. the idea that “there’s nothing to do if you don’t party” is such bullshit. like i promise if you’re like “i am a grouch and want to stay in and binge netflix” about 45 ppl will show up in pjs like “bitch fullscreen it, im a grouch too.” there’s also like. the chance to just.... not overindulge. on wednesdays i have “wine wednesdays” where we sit around and drink a glass of wine while we do our hw. it’s chill and friendly instead of like. drink until u vomit. don’t feel like you either gotta slam the breaks or the gas pedal, is what i mean.
PLEASE know the signs of alcohol poisoning/overdose. most schools have a “Safety Always Matters Most” policy, which means that you can call for help w/out getting into trouble. if you think someone is in danger, act. this also goes for making sure ppl get home safe even if they’re just incapacitated, not poisoned. step in, dudes.
also just. notice when ur starting to rely on stuff too much. i’m super easily addicted to things, so i keep a healthy distance from liquor. i don’t let myself “drink to feel better” bc that’s a scary, scary thing to link to feeling better. if you or somebody u know starts drinking all the time/gets anxious if they don’t drink/drinks in the daytime .... get help. schools have counselling services for a reason.
you’re gonna get a cold/flu of some sort in the first 2 months just brace for it. in the meantime, drink vitamin c, try not to touch too many handles, and when people say “there’s something going around” believe them.
watch kaplan nike just do it
if you can teach it, you know the material. a super good way of knowing if you studied the right way is to try and teach the material to a stuffed animal/imaginary class.
“i don’t know how to study” bitch me too the fuck. this is usually bc we’ve been taught that studying is just sitting down and staring @ ur notes. it’s not. it’s different for everyone, and you need to understand it’s 99% preventative care. if you don’t go to the class or do the homework, studying is going to fucking suck, bc you’re learning the material all at once for the first time. the place you should consider “studying” is “i’m confident in 70-90% of the material, but need to review.” do not let yourself fall behind .... just go to office hours and ask questions if ur not getting something. studying should feel like you’re remembering what you already knew but kinda forgot, not like you’ve been blindsided.
the whole “writing it down in ur own words” while u have been told this 700 times it really helps bc it means u gotta translate it through your own understanding. if you can’t, and it’s not bc the material seems too obvious to you to state in another way - ask yourself if you don’t understand the material. chances are u are missing a bit of info.
i know it’s like A Thing that Some People do but i never had the mental health points for it but i know some people just take 15 minutes after every class to review their notes. since i’m 100% early to every class ever, obnoxiously so, i try to do it before class. having the last class’s notes up in my head super helps. like. put down the phone i know you’re socially anxious me too but review those notes. chances are if u start flipping through pages other ppl will too. this is also fun bc as soon as you start this whole thing, at least one person will be like “is there a test?” no bitch there’s no test but im gonna be ready when there is!
literally so much of success is fucking posturing i could link about 800 peer-edited studies that show that when a student is expected to do well (and knows they are), they do well. like i literally didn’t change my appearance at all, never bothered to look nice (once winter hits i wear 67 layers all the time), but when i showed up after my 2 years off from school, i presented myself with the whole “i came here to win” vibe and people... really respected me? i mean in hs i remember ppl saying shit like “yeah, well, you aren’t gonna have the homework”. by the time i was in college i had an honest-to-god conversation which included someone being like “so tell me what you’re overachieving at right now” like they just expected it from me. wild.
i live by “bite off more than you can chew, and then CHEW IT” but it’s probably unhealthy. the truth is that i have a lot of energy all the time (lmao adhd!!!) and i used to get told i was “trying too hard” and for a long time (still???) i didn’t (i don’t?) know what that was, you know, bc i had a D average, clearly i wasn’t trying. it turns out i was just. putting all my energy into stuff that wasn’t making me happy like toxic friendships etc. when i decided “nope, all this energy is for me and my schoolwork”..... uhhhhh suddenly i was a golden child and everyone praised my try-hardness ... it’s a fuckt up system tbh
take at least 1 class just for fun. i try to do that every semester. it helps break up all the requirements. if you’re like an engineer and got no time or credits left to spend, try to audit your fun course.
make ur advisor love you i don’t care what it takes make them cupcakes show up to thank them i dONT CARE just do it
the library isn’t always the best place. if i start getting anxious bc i pavlovian train myself that library=work, i find a new place to go to do hw. try to go outside if you can!!! not like where i live bc like it’s snow all the time but try. a little green really really really helps depression.
if you’ve been in the same “Studying” place for 1 hour and haven’t done anything the chances are Something Isn’t Right. first, look @ ur body. are you not focusing bc of some pressing physical need? sometimes just taking a shower and coming back helps. are you uncomfy? are you too comfy and going to sleep? if body okay, look @ the material. do you not understand it? do you just need to switch to a new topic for a little bit? can you find a youtube video that will help you better understand it? make notes on what you don’t get so you can ask in the next class. if it’s not the material, it’s not ur bod, check the Actual Space. sometimes just getting up, going for a short walk to a new place, and trying it there actually? really works? if none of this is working.... try ur brain next. hardest to reset bc like, what, turn it on and off again? i use things like caffeine, a short workout, a nap, or a podcast all to just... give me a little boost.
don’t be afraid to leave. i mean this about class, friend groups, and the college ur at. just get up on outta there if ur not feelin it. i cannot recommend “drop the class” enough. even if it’s a required course see if u can switch the times if u hate the professor day 3 it’s not gonna get better just get the fuCK out
don’t nap in the same position u go to sleep in, nap upside down w/ur head away from ur pillow. don’t ask me why but it works to 1. fall asleep faster 2. make sure u sleep okay at night and 3. wake up less annoyed
on that note don’t ever do anything in ur bed in a sleeping position unless it’s genuinely sleeping in it. body will get confused. just sit up, lazybones.
when/if the library has those therapy dogs during finals week.... just go pet them make the time for it
ask before hugging people, but don’t expect a “yes”
get a backpack that fits and doesn’t hurt ur back u fuckin hippie idc how cool it is to wear ur backpack super low just don’t do it it’s not worth it
the tutoring center is a fucking goldmine.... free essay edits my dudes
bring a fan dorms are always hotter than u expect
switch dorms if u can if u realize ur in the wrong room/wrong roomate like just don’t bother with nonsense
when in doubt, follow preschool rules. tell ppl when they did something cool, just ask when u need help, and be confident even in your mistakes, because at least u tried
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fuck sam walmarts
and fuck management
I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.
as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.
this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares
basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.
decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track
today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in
i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch
i gott my first break on timeish.
then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok
really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of
anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while
but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk
i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD
nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone
im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,
manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry
and theyy just. fckkng
ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”
i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh
this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...
she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt
andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????
andd i jjst
ive HAD IT with her
ive had ittt
im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that
then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome
ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.
i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD
I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO
i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow
she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas
i d ont know what to doo
i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh
ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff
i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww
i jjst dont know what to doo...
i cantt stop cryingg
i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.
last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash
goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.
#jjst...ffeels like shes violating somethingg#and treating me a LOT like how my abusive mother used to treat me#why are you CRYING? you cant be trying here. this is a BUSINESS.#is a lot like Why Do You look so MISERABLE all the time?? why are you CRYING??#and shit like IGNORING ME when i try to change my hours#straight up ignoring me#she basically made it clear shed rather me QUIT than fuckingg chop 2 hours off my AVAILABILITY#ITS SO FRUSTRATING#AND SHES SUCH A HYPROCRITE#scheduled 7-2 every sunday!!#yet you cant change my availability to 7-7??#you NEED ot keep it until 9???#but working until 9 and getting home around 10 and getting no sleep because i need to take care of my pets and myself#and get up at 5:30 the next morning for work at 7#WHEN THAT COULD EASILY BE ALTERED BY CHIPPING A COUPLE HOURS OFF MY AVAILABILITY#AND MY DOCTOR ALSO THINKS I NEED TO CHANGE IT TOO#BUT WHO FUCKING CARES RIGHT ITS A BU S I N E S S#SURE SURE BUT WHEN A CUSTOMER FLIPS THE SIGN ON A $7.94 SHIRT#TO SAY 0.94 CENTS#WITH THE CENTS SIGN!!!!#THEN I HA V E TO HONOR IT#THATS A+ BUSINESS RIGHT THERE#BITCH DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO APPROVE A COUPON ON SLEF CHECKOUT!!!!#AND OUR FRICKING STORE MAANGER MAKES TRIPLE FIGURES!!!#BUT NO ONE FUCKINGG CARES#NO ONE FUCKING CARES#I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMOREE#id dont want to have to lose my job and stability over this one person#but this isntt...ok#i shouldnt have to go to work and deal with MORE emotional abuse
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Parental Alienation
Hello,
I am sure you're curious what this would bring you to. And I would love to get right to the point. TLDR at the bottom.
Ronee (candle-jacked) told you all a bunch of lies. The first one being that her ex had abandoned them in October. We had their son for Christmas 2 months after he supposedly abandoned them. We didn't even start dating until December.. And then she told you that he called her on new years eve to tell her they needed to break up even though they had been broken up for many many months at this point. Trust me he was extremely occupied new years eve. The only reason I can think she thought they were together was because at some point before we started dating his roomates girlfriend at the time was thinking about leaving and getting her own place and he wanted to see if Ronee would be open to the idea of him, her, their son, and his other roommate in getting a place. He only wanted to do that so it was easier for him to see his son. He ultimately changed his mind when he was skeptical of her getting a job and pulling her weight evenly, which had never really happened well in the past, the only time it did money was held over his head while he watched and took care of their son. Justin and I started dating at the beginning of December after dating for 2-3 weeks in November. We hit it off extremely well and seeing that we have been together for 4 years says a lot. I’m sure you all know and support someone who started their relationship extremely quickly and if you're ok with that it would be very hypocritical of you not to be ok with this. Which is exactly why I didn't quite understand why Ronee herself freaked out when her entire relationship with justin not only started while she still had a boyfriend but it became a sexual relationship before they were ever bf and gf. Not that I would ever care or judge something like that. I think the next lie we can talk about would be the “paramour”a lover, especially the illicit partner of a married person” shit. Justin and Ronee weren't married, they were not engaged, they weren't even dating. Its just yet another spiteful name she felt the need to call me, alongside bashing my sexual history (which seems pretty anti feminist to me) as well as telling people I sold my body for money (i wouldn't have even been 18 so lets thank god thats not true) and that i frequently fist fought my mother and my brother, also not true you can literally ask them lol. I have an amazing relationship with my mother who i was actually just visiting in AL where they moved and my brother who just got back from fighting for your freedom just left my house like 2 hours ago. SO yeah.
Another lie she told me herself when she was trying to get me to turn on Justin was that they were engaged when we started dating. Did she tell you guys about that or just me? Apparently because she didn't like traditional rings she didn't have one to prove it to me because he was designing one specifically for her.. Im sorry guys and no offence to justin but he doesn't care about stuff like that, its weird for him and I have come to accept that. Now on the other hand if she had told me that he asked her to design it I would have maybe believe her because thats more his style. She also told you guys his own family disowned him, that isnt even close to true. She even tried to say it was because I assaulted his sister? Whos was a minor at the time and still is now. SOO lets poke some holes in this story shall we? Justins mother and I are arguing about who knows what, I really cant remember and her daughter is behind her on the stairs (im in the basement with justin) the argument is getting heated and Donna (justins mother) decides to come about 15ft forward until there's about 3ft between us. (his sister is still on the stairs) but apparently mid argument I freak out and punch his sister? Whos 20ft away from me, past his mother? Maybe Ronee can clear that up for us. On top of that if I assaulted a minor that would have been an easy instant phone call to the police and I would have a very easy to find record in Missouri. Yet I dont. Because that didn't happen. Also why did we move back in with Donna when we had to abruptly move to missouri per instructions from our GAL (mareks lawyer from the courts) because otherwise Ronee would get the visitation she wanted which was supervised (though she had no evidence to be granted that) for 4 hours a few times a month. Despite the fact that we lived 4 hours away. Anyways, where were we? Ahh yes. Donna welcomed us into her home because at the time we were her chance at seeing their son (her grandson). I got a semi sincere apology from her for punching me in the face that night and we moved on from it, becasue im a good person. Ronee still says his family hates him but lets do a headcount. Justin, his brother, his mother and his sister, also 2 cousins. WHo doesnt like Donna? Justin, his brother, and his 2 cousins because they all also know what their parents told them about their shitty aunt. Even Ronee herself said she was a shitty mother and that Diane was there for justin more than his mom.
Now its time for court. Ronees lawyer approached us. We found out that had we not shown up the judge would have granted what Ronee wanted (the 4 hours supervised a few times a month) which is funny because when justin called Diane (Ronees mother) she boasted how she wouldn't let Ronee take Marek away if justin couldn't make it and wouldn't let Ronee do the supervised visits because she knew he was a good dad. BULLSHIT lol. He also specifically asked us to not talk to her about what we wanted in the visitation plan because when we did she would call him crying about how she didnt want Justin apart of anything…. HE TOLD US HE DIDNT WANT TO DEAL WITH HER BS TOO! Eventually we hired a cheap lawyer who we were told wasn't the best but at this point her lawyer won't communicate with Justin even though he was representing himself and we needed someone who could file these documents when we couldn't. We had to explain to the GAL that justin hadn't seen his son in over a year and we had to show him the texts we had from a prepaid phone to Ronee where she REFUSED to let Justin talk to his son for unknown reason (jk we all know why) and he ordered that we get him that day and would start an every other weekend schedule until things got worked out with the courts. She sent her mother to bring hsia son that day and this woman has the audacity to tell Justin that this all could have been avoided.
But I think one of the most important pieces of information I can give you is that Justin has tried to pay her support for the last 9mo-12mo after he had to quite the job where his money was being garnished. We have the venmo receipts after it took her 5 months to finally agree to accept payment from, then he was laid off for 3 months per his work contract which we also have on file and he sent her about ⅓ of what he was ordered to pay (he had no job and he sent her most of the spending money he got that I budgeted for each of us from my paychecks) about half way through his lay off he asked her something about how he thought it would be a good idea if she reported the CS payments every 6 months to the CS office. It would have been free but she was the only one who could do it. It wasn't even a demand but a suggestion that could have been talked about, we legitimately thought we had finally rounded a curve and we all could start co parenting together, but apparently he wasn't aloud to give her suggestions because she blocked him on venmo, went off on him on talking parents (the app she forced him into using despite the fact that shes in contempt of court for doing that) and specifically told him she would never report the money. We also have snips of that convo if you guys want it. Justin hasnt talked to his son in about 6 months. The few times he “has” it doesnt sound like a 9 yo and its demeaning things that Ronee herself has said in the past. About a month ago he got a call from Marek and was actually getting somewhere after he started to explain things to him. He even told his son about how in June he was parked in front of his house to get him for his 2 week summer vacation and Ronee hadnt let him get him and his son told him in a very said voice that he never knew that. Then the line went dead. Ronee texted from his sons phone saying this isn't the time to talk about that and hes been blocked ever since.
TLDR; Ronee Halsey (candle-jacked) is abusing her power as a co parent with my fiance and abusing their child through parental abuse.
P.S. I know I will receive backlash from her closest friends who think they know the story and thats ok because I cant sit here for one more minute while she gets away with this(I will block you though). I would be more than happy to supply everyone with any and all evidence I have.
P.P.S OMG I almost forgot the worst part. Ronee decided one day she was going to accuse Justin of abusing their son. I knew it was going to end up happening (i grew up with a dad who had a high conflict ex wife) so every single time we picked up and dropped off their son i would discretely ask him to pose for pictures either by himself or with me or his dad. Not even Justin knew I was doing this but thank the lord I did. Because Ronee Halsey crossed that line you should never cross and accused someone of actual physical child abuse. But because shes a mother in the state of MO nothing came of it. Despite the pictures I sent to her lawyer and the GAL he supposedly met with their son and he came to the conclusion that he did infact have a black eye and busted lip but he got it while wrestling his dad. DESPITE THE FACT THAT MY PICTURES OF HIM WITHIN MINUTES OF GETTING IN AND OUT OF M Y CAR FOR THAT WEEKEND SHOWED HE DIDNT HAVE A SINGLE MARK ON HIM. The saddest part is that when I recorded the conversation Justin had with Marek the next weekend he told Justin that he never saw or felt pain from them, he said his mother told him they weren't the kind he could see. I will gladly send snips from those emails to you guys.
@chewybitart @notlemha @karygurl @sushichan24 @eagleoverlord @thementalwayfarer @angelsdoexist @saltwaterhermit @candle-jacked
#Signal boost#Sorry to do this but#to be fair she already put me/us on blast#Whats wrong with knowing both sides of the story?#artist of tumblr#parental alienation#fathers rights movement#Boost#Boost this#important#now im just going to spam random tags#cats#cute#jk its not cute#abuse#tw#parental abuse#help#dont support this person#dont support this artist#She even told their son not to smile in his school picture when she knew we were ordering them this year#this child looks actually homeless#and miserable#oh more tags#pokemon#art#artist#lol#artist behind the art#funny
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Sam WInchester: The Reluctant Hero
When we wonder in frustration, as to why Sam seems to suffer more than Dean does, instead of being angry at a narative bias, or assuming the show runners hate Sam, take into consideration that Sam and Dean, though equally heroic, are different types of heros Dean is a willing hero. He has been proud of his job as a hunter since he was young, even if sometimes he was bored with it, or would have liked to persue a career as a machanic. From what we see in flash backs, Dean was boasting “Im a hero!” since high school, where Sam just wanted to be like every other kid. Sam’s first choice in life is not to be a hero. Not directly anyway. He was studying to become a lawyer. Azazel said he was becoming a Tax Attorney, but Dean saw him as a Criminal Justice Attorney in What is and What Should Never Be, which I think is more fitting for Sam. The indirect hero that would get justice for the victims. He would make a wonderful psycholigist also. Dean would be a very good cop, or soldier, or first responder. This is not to say Sam wouldnt run into a burning building to save a family, he most certainly would, but his interests seem to lie mostly in long term after care. So for Sam to be in the front line with Dean, is something he does because its the right thing, not because it’s his chosen life path (early life anyway. he has stated in his later life that he did chose this life for himself) and this makes him a reluctant hero. The problem with that though, is that in literature, the reluctant hero always suffers the most.
Its no argument that Dean suffers too. Both brothers have broken my heart on many occasions, but Sam’s suffering over any event, stretches far past the season he suffers it in. This is so we, the viewers, have an idea as to how much of a hardship Sam is willing to endure to save Dean and to save the world. Sam and Dean both willingly went to Hell, but their experiences were greatly different, and unfolded on the show wildly unbalanced. Dean sold his soul for Sam, so Sam would live. He didnt want to go to Hell, but he did it willingly. in Dream a Little Dream, Dean said to his dream self, that he didnt deserve to go to Hell, and even though he made the choice on his own, I think we all feel like it’s a horrible punishment for a guy who just wanted his little brother to live. I know I hoped they could find a way to get him out of the deal, but unfortunately, he didnt. He stayed in Hell for 4 months, or 40 hell years. He was tortured by Alistair for 30 years until he became a torturer himself. Cas raised him out of Hell, completely whole, even old scars were gone, but we didnt know for a while that the memories were haunting him. How did we find out? Because he told Sam. He tearfully confessed to Sam on more than one occasion, what happened, what he did, what it felt like at the time and how it was hurting him then. What came of it is that he got to confront his torturer, and even though he couldnt kill him himelf, Sam killed him for him. Dean got justice. Sam on the other hand, also willingly went to Hell to save the world, but he felt like he was mainly at fault for breaking the world in the first place, when it was expressed that it wasn’t only him, and he was completely unknowingly breaking it when he did. He obviously didnt want to go to Hell, but he felt it was the right thing to do. What he got for that though, was his soul in Hell, canonically, for 1.5 years, 180 Hell years. He was torured by Lucifer himself in the most brutal ways imaginable. Cas raised his body, soon after he went to the pit, but we arent given an exact amount of time, whether it be an hour or so, or a few weeks, we just know he was physically out for the majority of the year, but I can’t imagine 10 minutes in the cage with Lucifer is a picnic. However, he came back incomplete, without his soul, which endured unimaginable torture. If that’s not enough, while soulless, Sam did things he wasn’t proud of when he got his soul back, and suffered with this, Once he got his memories of Hell back, a whole new level of suffering began. How was this handled? To our knowledge, he never told anyone the details of his Hell tour. All we know about it, was shown in flash backs and hallucinations, that ended up driving Sam insane. Sam was “fixed” by Cas, by simply shifting the pain to himself, not by Sam talking about it, or confronting his torturer, or anyone killing Lucifer. Sam didnt get justice in any sense, and he still carries all of this with him. He has even had to work along side Lucifer to try to stop Amara. No one even brought this up, even though Sam had very recently been back to the cage and had to face Lucifer and the trauma all over again. Season 13 and still Sam hasn’t been given justice or seen closure when Dean’s was answered in only a few episodes. How can we not see the imballance? Well, when we look at it as Sam is the long suffering Reluctant Hero, suck as it may, it makes more sense. It plays into the narrative that the pain piles on Sam, and Sam stuffs it down. We ourselves may forget this happens, if the show itself didn’t bring it up. The case of Tracy Bell for example. A girl that pops up out of nowhere in 9x2 for no reason than to remind Sam that he let Lucifer out and people got killed. I know a bunch of you blame the writers of the episode for that, as though they hate Sam or Jared, but that was part of the Gardreel story. Something that the producers must have told the writers they wanted. “Bring something painful up from Sam’s past, so that when he feels good at the end of the episode, we can be reminded that theres an Angel healing him from the inside” is probably close to what was said in the meeting. We the viewers need to be reminded that Sam never lets things go, at the same time as he never really speaks of them either. It took 13 seasons, but Dean confirms for us in 13x4 that Sam doesnt admit things or it makes them real, and then he has to deal with it. Sam even confirms it himself in 12X3 when he says he knows Mom is burying herself in hunting instead of dealing, through years of personal experience. Now that we understand this is part of Sam’s character, we can better understand why we dont get to see his emotional POV very often, and his traumas rarely get worked out. The differences between Sam being the reluctant hero, and Dean being the willing hero, manifest in many ways. Dean gets very antsy if its been a few days that they havent had a hunt to go on. Sam however, is content to stay home researching. Their short time of trying to live a domestic life with their girlfriends shows reluctant vs willing also. While Sam was with Amelia, he had nothing to do with hunting except reading the news paper and believing other hunters were taking care of things. He refused to tell Amelia about that part of his life. Dean didnt hunt, but he kept it at arms reach. He kept devils traps in the door ways, a rosary in water under the bed and a gun nearby, and he let Lisa know all about that part of his life, and even tried to live it and maintain a life with her. Dean is the kind of guy who will show you every scar and tell you the details of how he got it, while Sam will hide his scars. Dean suffers when innocent life is lost, but he holds on to the fact that he’s saved more people than he’s hurt and it can help him make it day to day. Sam feels like he failed if he didnt save someone. This is precicely why Sam suffers the burdens of his wrongs for years, and Dean doesnt. Dean did a lot of crap while he had the MoC but he hasnt had to visibly suffer from it after the fact. Sam however, is reminded of his poor choices for seasons after the fact. Now since its not a matter of Sam goes to jail for things and Dean doesn’t, we only need to realize its part of maintaining a character trait for us, so we dont forget that Sam never forgives himself and suffers for years over what he considers failures. Now, this willingness vs reluctance shows in their relationship also. Im not going to try to prove one loves the other more, because I am convinced that Dean is #1 in Sam’s world and Sam is #1 in Dean’s world and they love each other as much as any two people can love each other (to steal from the mouth of JP) they both take care of each other, and neither had to be told to do so. Even when Sam was too little to actually take care of Dean, he still did the best he could by wanting to be with him, and giving him gifts. Dean didnt have to learn 100 ways to make mac and cheese, he did it because he wanted to make Sam happy. That being said, lets move on… Sam’s reluctance in their relationship, isnt that he loves Dean less, or doesn’t want to protect him, but his biggest fear is letting Dean down. He can save Dean’s life a million times but considers himself a failure if he let Dean down. Dean’s biggest fear however is Sam dying. He can let Sam down, he can piss him off, but if Sam isnt alive and well, Dean considers himself a failure. When Sam assumed Dean was dead in S8 and didnt look for him, he was going on a promise that he wouldnt look for him. Since we didnt get enough insight to Sam’s state of mind at the time, Im going to assume that Sam was crushed that Dean was dead, but for himself, it was more important, that he didnt let him down by breaking that promise. He saw how angry Dean was when Dean thought he made a deal that raised him from Hell, so he “knew” Dean would be disappointed if Sam looked for him now. Dean however, needs Sam to be alive, so he will risk Sam being disappointed and possibly hating him, as long as he’s alive. So now in S11 its brought up again, that Sam didnt look for Dean in Purgatory, and Sam hadnt forgiven himself for it, its not the writers hating Sam/Jared, its showing us that Sam still hasnt gotten over letting Dean down. He’s a long suffering character, and doesnt see that he was justified in his actions, but instead blames himself for inaction. This fits right into Sam not finding a Win in a case where he couldnt save everyone. He knows he helps more people than he hurts, but the fact that he hurts people at all outweighs the good in his eyes. There will be a time Im sure, and hopefully soon, given the events of the last 2 seasons, that Sam may collapse under all this weight. Maybe he will have some time to voice how badly things hurt him. But if he doesnt. try not to write it off as no one caring about his character, but understand his character feels like a burden if he unloads to people, even, and especially to Dean, who Im sure he believes has enough burden on his shoulders, without Sam sharing his. So try to be patient my friends. This would come out differently if it was a written story. The writer would be able to show us inside Sam’s head easier than they can this way. The only way into Sam’s head is through someone vocalizing it. If Sam does, then we dont see him burying things, if someone else does, it sometimes looks like hes being picked on for no reason…. but there is a good reason. It’s to keep his character consistant as the longsuffering reluctant hero. By @missjackil
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Hey hajime, my ex cheated on me and I found out 2 months ago & broke up w her, Im 100% over her but she keeps posting pictures of her & the girl she cheated on me with everywhere every day and keeps talking about how much she likes her and it still makes me feel sick to my stomach. Theyve been together for 4 months and we were together for over 1yr and she never posted anything about me. I know I shouldnt care bc i dont like her anymore but it hurts me anyways & I dont know how to deal with it
First of all, it wasn’t your fault! Nothing is! You already know that much, but I’m seriously worked up right now. She’s the one who actively made the decision to turn her back on you, and if she was willing to do that, then that’s her own problem. People don’t cheat because it’s any fault of yours; It’s their own greed. For people like her, nothing will ever be enough. If there was never going to be a way to satisfy her, there was never a reason to expect it from yourself. Letting yourself feel gross about her new relationship is just falling into that same trap.
People post online because they want others to see them. If she’s showing off this new person, maybe there’s a sincere excitement, but there’s also the underlying interest in feedback. What she’s looking for is a reaction, and with the way she treated you, your reaction is exactly what she doesn’t deserve.
It hurts to feel like you were only ever second best. That even apart, you’re still getting salt in the wound. But I understand that it’s not easy to just let go. I mean, you gave her a whole year of your life. That’s not something that’s put aside so easily. It’s easier to blame yourself, if anything, but that’s not good. If someone you loved has no qualms leaving you behind… It’s only fair that you get to move on, too. Maybe the pain is still there, knowing she’s actively out there doing what she’s doing, but her memory doesn’t have to be.
..It’s easy to look at who’s taken your place, but you shouldn’t. Until you’re in a better place, you should take a break from the platforms they’re on. If you’re feeling bold, you could block her for a while. Seeing these things isn’t going to help you. That might be the only thing you can do, for now. It’s not childish. You’re hurting, and if you need to put away the reminders to clear your mind, you should do that. You shouldn’t cave into checking on her. If your time meant nothing to her, she shouldn’t be taking more of it. She’s… not part of you anymore. And every moment you spend giving her another moment of your attention is another moment you’re actively indulging in twisting the knife further in. It’s another moment she’s getting away and you’re left suffering.
Even if you’ve moved past her, that doesn’t change how you feel. She probably never cared as much as you did, of course that’s messed up. Of course seeing the contrast is going to hurt! And if that’s the case, there’s nothing to feel bad about. You were always good enough, and maybe her new partner is, too, but she’ll never deserve anyone when she’s already shown her faithfulness is doubtful at best. If she was going to try and get away with what she did, then there’s nothing to regret. If anything, I feel sorry for the person she’s dating. They must deserve her, since they cheated with her, but I can’t help but feel they’re risking getting hurt, the same as you. She can’t be trusted anymore. And that’s immensely sad.
You have nothing to prove. You were a good person and you gave the relationship your all. The way she’s behaving with a new person is irrelevant, because that’s just more proof she wasn’t committed to you. Maybe she never was. In any case, she’s living her life, and so should you, even if you have to dodge her social media like it’s a dissenting truth bullet. Because you deserve to have that same freedom. Don’t give her your attention, if you can help it. Distance lessens the sting, for the most part.
Don’t linger on things that make you feel worse. Not on purpose. It’s no longer your business, so don’t seek it out. Practicing avoidance will make it more natural in time, so just keep working on turning your eyes away. Even if you slip up and see something anyway, even if it hurts so much you think you’ll die, you won’t. You’ll survive, and you’ll be able to be happy, too. It’s only a matter of time. And one day, that pain won’t twist so sharply. It might not go away, but it will not drag you down.
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I crashed my friends car. She has liability on her car so now she is screwed with a beat up car. I have full coverage on my car, now would I be able to use my insurance to cover her vehicle that I crashed?""
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I just received insurance. I am a brand new driver 18 in about thirty days. Just now bought myself a car and just now got insured on my Grandparent's insurance.Currently now, it's only $48 a month, but the insurance man said that it'll go up in September. It makes sense, considering that right now I'm only paying a part of the package. So I understand that. With me being a new driver, how much will this all go up? Are we talking about $150? I did not take driver's ed, but I am eligible for the Good Student discount. I know you can't tell me directly, because neither could he. It all changes. But can anyone give me maybe a ballpark? I'm female. Good student. New driver. Thank you!""
What the lowest someone can get on Social Security Disability Insurance?
The one where you have worked at least a few years. I read that if you don't make more than $700 then SSI will kick in and give you the rest is that true, do you have to apply for it after the fact or is it already done for you? My husband is working on getting disability, he worked several years but his income was not continuous, he never kept a job for very long (He's Bipolar) anyways, we are trying to figure out about how much to expect he will get once it gets approved. I'm just hoping it's not like $300 a month because that's not really that helpful when we are just barely scraping by as it is. Anything will help but I am hoping this will let us breath a little and enable us to own a home for once.""
How do I get free insurance until I can get my health back so I can work again to pay for insurance?
How do I get free insurance until I can get my health back so I can work again to pay for insurance?
I work per diem and have no insurance. do you know any good insurance that is affordable?
I am also a student so I need something that won't break the bank and that I will hopefully be able to use after school
""Does anyone know of a high deductable, low premium health insurance?""
I am looking for a catastrophic insurance policy where I would have a deductable of $10,000... I would pay for office visits and prescriptions.""
What type of Life Insurance Should I get?
I am 33 and I'm pretty sure that I want to get term life insurance. I have a wife and 2 kids. It's affordable. I'm in good health. My question is should I get a 15 yr plan or 20 yr plan? Money is a little tight so I'm thinking the 500K or 750K plan.
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Would I need auto insurance if Im driving a motorcycle/scooter with a Motorcycle Instruction Permit in AZ?
I am thinking about purchasing a Yamaha Vino (2004-08 model) and also I will be obtaining my Motorcycle Instruction Permit. I would like to know if I would need any form of auto/motorcycle insurance while practicing with my permit. If so, how much would it cost me per month (rough estimate)? I am 16 years old btw.""
What would the price of insurance be for a 16 year old male after going through drivers ed and taking the...?
behind the wheel license test through the school? I am getting my license in a couple of days and wondering how much it would cost just in case i have to pay for it. We have a 2004 trailblazer, a 1999 grand prix, and a 2000 ford ranger. I get good grades and im not sure what else you need to know. Im in az. Im wondering because i cant put my info on the internet for a quote so i just want a ballpark monthly price.""
Best insurance companies for 17 year old passed my test!!?
ok ive pased my test a month on friday and i gettin a car this week and i need some insurance on the car obviiously lol, well basically whats the cheapest car insurance all you 17 year old have and who is it with, please :)""
Car insurance rates question plz help 10 pts?
I pay $187 a mth for car insurance & that's full coverage with $500 deduct. The reason I was told I'm paying that much was bc of a big wreck I had back in Aug 2010 and since it's coming up on 3 yrs and my premium expires in Aug I'm expecting my rates to go down a little. My insurance company jus told me that that's not why I'm paying that much it's bc of 2 speeding tickets I got back in 2010 Feb & April bt when my premium expires in Aug my rates will go down. My question is can you guys give me a estimate on how much you think I'll be paying in Aug when my rates go down??! I live in S.C. Btw Thanks so much in advance
AAA student discount for car insurance-- EMERGENCY question?
Hi. I just graduated high school, and my insurance want to know my grades for my senior year for a discount on car insurance. Truth is, my grade is B average, but my attendance for the whole year is: 129 Absent and 158 Tardies. DOES they also look at my attendance too? and does it matter as much as my grades? PLease helppp!!!""
How much would it cost to insure a cheap motorcycle for a teen?
I found a good bike for two thousand dollars it's nothing fancy but it's enough to get around so I was wondering how much would it cost to insure a bike like this. I have very good grades my parents have a good driving record so I think that will help
What is a good health insurance provider in Texas?
My mom gets sick very often and would like to purchase some health insurance since she isn't eligible for MedicAid. What's a good health insurance provider in Texas?
Want to get a life insurance policy on my sister.?
Hello everyone I know that there are policies for yourself or spouse, but am trying to get a policy on my sister. Are there policies out there for siblings and if you have any additional info it would help. Thanks
Can you drive your parents' car without insurance?
i am 16 and live in Washington and I was wondering if I had to pay my own insurance to drive their cars.
Are classic cars cheap to insure?
for example all cars older then 1990: trans am and camaro's older then cadillac eldorado's older then rolls royce silver shadow chevy belair dodge charger chevrolet suburban mercedes 500sel mercedes 500sl and other american and classic european cars
Vespa scooters...insurance? Motorcycle license?
I'm thinking of buying a vespa scooter or something like it but if I'm not sure if it'd be worth it if my insurance goes sky high. Do I need to worry about insuring it? Also, would I need a motorcycle license?""
Toronto best cheap auto insurance?
Toronto best cheap auto insurance?
Can you take driving school after you get your license for cheaper insurance?
I'm going to be turning eighteen soon and I want to take driving courses to lower my insurance. Can I still take them with my license or do I need to get my permit before I turn eighteen? I live in Arizona by the way.
How much is the insurancwe difference on a v6 and gt 04 mustang?
its my first car im 16 i have state farm i dont speed (in residential but in the highway its a different story! not really but serious i dont get tickets) im a straight A student 4.0 average how much is insurance for each
Do you cancel an auto insurance quote?
I had an economics project and there was a section where I had to purchase auto insurance. Sure enough, I went to Geico and got a free quote, but the problem is that Geico is annoying to lock in the policy and actually have me as their customer. What can I do to tell them that I only wanted a policy for a project and I'm not really their customer?""
Accident and Insurance questions. In California.?
So I got in an accident a couple of weeks ago. The other driver refused to show me her insurance. I was found 100% liable for the accident because the other driver lied about the accident . Now I'm getting phone calls from the other drivers insurance telling me that they are investigating their client because they think she got the insurance a few hours after the accident. What does this mean for me? I provided some pictures to the investigation team because they wanted the exact time of the accident. If the driver is found guilty what will happen. Will I still be liable? Also should I let my insurance know about this investigation.
Renters Insurance Liability?
If my neighbor has a fire that does some damage to my apt./belongings, will the neighbor's renters insurance cover my damages or will my own renters insurance cover my damages?""
How much will insurance cost for a 16 year old kid with a licence.?
how much more will it cost to add him to his parents insurance, and its MERCURY INSURANCE""
Low but guf health insurance?
I need help finding a gud health insurance.But that is gud but isnt so pricy
Best Insurance Rate/Company after DUI/DWI?
I got a DUI about a year and a half ago (Yes, I know very stupid) I switched insurance companies after it happened to get a better rate. I am with Progressive now and paying about $190/month. I live in NC and drive a 10 year old Jeep Wrangler, I have an excellent driving record with no tickets or accidents, the only thing on my record is the DUI. Does anyone have any advice on which insurance company might offer the best rates or if there is anything I can do to lower my rate? Is there any way to get coverage without them checking my driving record and seeing my DUI??? Thanks""
What will happen if I drive without insurance for few days?
I live in New Jersey, my county is Hudson county. I just bought my car yesterday afternoon my insurance company was closed. I could not call them to add the car on insurance and start driving with my other car insurance. What will happen if I drive with my other car insurance in my new car for a few days? What if cops stop me? Will I get a ticket or something else?""
Would it be cheaper to insure honda civic or honda accord?
I'm talking about general prices for each of them, I'm thinking accord is cheaper because its cheaper and non sporty and a family sedan can anyone tell me how much they pay for their inusrances?""
About how much is car insurance in British Columbia?
About how much is car insurance in British Columbia, particularly Vancouver or nearby? Perhaps if you could share how much it costs you or someone in your family with a good driving record. Perhaps give a hint of what car you have, liability limits, etc. In the U.S., you can get online quotes. For Canada, I've never seen anything like it.""
Temp car insurance for under 21?
I'm 19 and want car insurance for 3 months. Either short term or pay as you go
How can I get an Auto Insurance adjuster to address my claim ? He is completely unresponsive.?
I drove out a brand new car from the dealership and stopped at a signal light. I was rear ended hard by a coupe driven by teenagers. His car was towed and impounded. Now I called the other driver's insurance company after receiving the police report and was told that a claim has already been filed and an adjuster's name and number given. I have been ever since calling the adjuster and leaving voice-mails. Its about 3 days and I have left more than 8 voice mail but he does not call me back. Its getting frustrating and am unsure if thats their strategy ? How long should I continue this ? and How can I get him to attend and address my claim ? and what else are my options ? Should I go to small claims court ? Advice is much appreciated.
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Cheapest car for insurance?
My parents have agreed to get me a car, but the insurance has to be cheap. We have allstate and i have no idea what the cheapest car would be to get, insurance wise. thanks for any help!""
What is a 20 pay whole life insurance policy?
if you started your insurance policy at the age of 56 how long do you have to pay for your policy to be payed out if you are 74 now
Will applying for medicaid affect the insurance I have now in any way?
I am 32 weeks pregnant and I am covered under my dad's insurance through Tricare. I remain eligible under his insurance until I am 23 and everything is full coverage. However, as soon as my baby is born he is not covered at all. I am looking into my options and I read that if I apply for medicaid now, then I can call the day my baby is born and just have him added on so that way he will have coverage right away. I am worried if I do try and apply for medicaid now that it will affect the insurance I am covered under now by Tricare. I do want to stay under tricare, I do not want to lose this insurance and its coverage if that is the case. I am also worried that since I have to wait until the baby is born to apply him for his own insurance through CHIP or Medicaid - whichever one he ends up qualifying - that I will have to wait a long time before he is actually covered and I know the baby is going to need check ups and a pediatrician right away. I am really worried about all this and wondering what is my best option and what I should do! Will I lose my insurance if I apply for Medicaid in advanced so my baby will be covered right away? Is my best option waiting until the day he is born and then applying? I also live in PA if that makes any difference. Anybody who can help out, thanks!""
How much will my auto insurance go up if I am at 100% fault?
I was in an accident recently where I was found to be at 100% fault - accident was not too bad-- other car's front bumper dent-- How much should I expect my insurance to go up?
Should I have full coverage or liability only for car insurance on a 1997 Honda Accord?
The car is in very good condition with no major problems. The car is almost 13 years old but the re-sale of Honda cars are supposed to be good.
On average how much would it insurance cost for new drivers?
Well I passed my road test the other day and also took drivers ed. My mom doesn't have a car or a license, so I'm the only one with a license and my mom will be buying me a car. We are going to get a car that's no older than 2005, arond 40K miles and is used. I also don't have a credit card. Would anyone know on average how much insurance would cost on average for someone in my situation?""
Personal Car INsurance?
Is there a company who will insure me in a car no matter which car i drive. ie I want to get in a mates car and drive him home and am not covered by his insurance or i want to take my wifes car for the day but am not covered on hers. I need my own insurance so whichever car i get into, i will be insured in UK""
Car insurance?
okay i just got my license. and my friend and i want to go places..my friend is only physicaly able to ride in her grandmas van cause my friend is in a wheel chair like all the time ...show more
How long do I need to keep Full Coverage insurance on my vehicle if I am financing?
I dont want FULL coverage. I'd rather pay for partial coverage. How long do I need full for? Will they repossess the vehicle if it is not fully covered?
My husband and I are buying our first home. What insurance will we need?
Life insurance to cover the mortgage? Illness or unemployment cover? Please help!
Must you have insurance if you are a driver in the state of Nevada?
I'm a driver in California, under the age of 21. I don't have a car that I own nor am I put on the other cars that my parents own and don't wish to be on them. If I am not planning on driving any time, do I still need to have insurance because I have a driver's license? If you have an answer, I would appreciate a link as well to look on.""
How long would it take for the insurance company to fix our car?
Our car had been smashed yesterday. The front part. The hood had been smashed, too. Now I'm asking how long would it take the insurance company ti fix it? help? Thanks.""
What is the average insurance amount yearly for a mitsubishi eclipse?(1996-2000)?
What is the average insurance amount yearly for a mitsubishi eclipse?(1996-2000)?
Does anyone know of good Health Insurance?
I have Blue Cross HMO, and it really hasnt worked for me. I need surgery on my knee and i've been waiting for 2 months to get it done, thanks to the fact that my insurance requires me to see a general doctor first (who makes u wait for like a month for an appt for a simple referral) then get another appointment for a specialist (wait another month) then wait 3 weeks again for an MRI, and now i have to wait another week and a half for surgery. Please, help me find a good insurance. I'm tired of this! I live in southern california if that helps. Thanks""
Advice on Insurance policys?
What policy's is best for someone in full time work - single - no kids -No debt.- rented Accommodation - in 30s How would you list these policy's of being important. There maybe a policy missed out if so please send me some advice.. Private Health Insurance Income Protection Life Insurance Accident, sickness and unemployment Private Pension Critical Illness Insurance""
Question about my 18 year old and insurance
I have an 18 year old who takes ADHD medication which without insurance costs well over $300 a month. She is not interested in going to college at this point so I'm not sure how much longer I can keep her on my insurance plan. Assuming it takes her awhile to find a job with good insurance does anyone have any suggestions on how to make her medical needs affordable for her?
About how much does motorcycle insurance cost?
and is it more than car?...about...
What are the most famous sites for insurance?
eg. car insurance....house insurance etccc
WHAT LIFE INSURANCE IS BETTER?
Should my husband get whole or term life insurance?
""Monthly Insurance for a 16 year old, if he were to get a G37 Coupe? IS250? IS250c? TL 2010?""
How much would it cost? an estimate? I heard grades, colors of the car, and other things like that affect the insurance cost? Well if it does, he gets 4.0 and he wants a Black. We live in CA. And our insurance company is Farmers, but I would just want a monthly insurance cost. thank you!""
Cheapest Vans to insure?
Hi, I was looking into getting a van as a first car, ideally I was after something like a van/car cross, basically an estate with no back windows, I'm not sure of the group. I was wondering what decent vans are out there and what would be cheapest to insure? The main reason for wanting a van is I regularly surf and would sleep in the back occasionally.""
How does life insurance work?
Me and my fiance been together for 4 years. We have a daughter together. Right now, we're both working to make ends meet. So basically, we need each other. We have rent, car payment, and tons of bills. We was talking the other day about it, that what if one of us passed away, the other one would lose everything. Our daughter is 1, so we wanted to make sure that if anything happened to one of us, our daughter would still be well taken care of and everything will be paid off so they wouldnt have to struggle. So my question here is how does life insurance work. If I was to die, does the money go directly to my family? What if I wanted part of the money to go to my parents? I just want to know some info about it and is it affordable? Thanks in advance.""
What price would insurance be for a Scion?
What would an insurance quote for a Scion xB be? ... for a Scion tC?
What are some cheap car insurance companys?
What car insurance companys are cheap... and do they have a web site/phone number so I can get a quote thanks!
Why is my car insurance ridiculously expensive?
I've been using go compare for a Peugeot 206 1.1 litre petrol, and have been given quotes of about 6-8 thousand pound! I know for young drivers (im seventeen) car insurance is expensive but I was expecting 2-3 grand, am I maybe using a bad site?""
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Insurance company not paying for car repair that isn't my fault?
I was in an car accident. I was in the right hand side of the parking lot and I was backing out of my parking space. I was in the middle of the parking lot, and a guy pulling out of his parking space on the left hand side of the parking lot. While I was in the middle of the parking lot, the guy back his car into mine (In a hurry). After this accident happened, this guy admitted that he hit me and the accident was his fault. The police showed up and we told our stories and he admit to the police that the accident was his fault and it was on the police report. After the accident, we went our separate ways. I talked to my insurance company and they told me that since the guy that hit me admitted that he caused the accident, I had to take it up with the guy's insurance company. I called the insurance adjuster from the other insurance company and gave my statement and he told me that he viewed the accident as both our faults and would not pay me to have my car fixed. And I told him that his client admitted to the accident and he said it didn't matter. I would have to go to my insurance company to have my car fixed. I have arbitration. Also, the adjuster said that I can go through arbitration. I don't know what to do. What can I do about it?""
Insurance to drive in Florida?
I am 18 and live in Florida. I don't have my drivers license because my parents say I have to have a job to pay for insurance..Ive been looking for a job for a while now but no one seems to be hiring in my area. I know my parents will pay for my insurance if it was cheaper..right now its around $200. I read that if you're driving someone else's vehicle then you don't need insurance as long as the owner of the vehicle has insurance..can someone please explain this to me? Will I be able to drive without insurance?
""Why do questions say cheap car insurance and affordable health insurance, not cheap health & affordable car?""
Questions about finding inexpensive car insurance usually refer to it as cheap . Questions about finding inexpensive health insurance usually refer to it as affordable . I do not recall ever seeing a question refer to affordable car insurance, and only rarely to cheap health insurance. Why is this? Why do car insurance questions use the word cheap and health insurance questions use the word affordable , and not the other way around? Is it just tradition, like saying Merry Christmas and Happy New Year , but never saying Happy Christmas and Merry New Year ? Is it because the law has the word affordable in its title, causing that word to be associated with health insurance? Is it because most of the questions are from someone who is trying to manipulate search results by causing searches for cheap car insurance and affordable health insurance to come to this website? Is it because car insurance questions usually come from users under 25 years old and questions about getting health insurance usually come from older users (health insurance questions from users under 25 usually have to do with saying on their parents' insurance and/or using their parents' insurance)?""
What are car insurance groups?
Im a provisional driver and ive seen a 2004 Vauxhall Corsa...it says the insurance is Group 3. So what exactly does that mean? And is that good considering it will be my first car that i will be driving around for quite a while? :)
Can I drive in the USA on UK car insurance?
We are taking our vehicle to the USA and travelling around for up to 12 months, can we use UK car insurance or do we have to insure the vehicle when we get to the States?""
Affordable Health Insuance that includes maternity coverage?
My husband just started a new job that offers NO benefits until he moves up in the company which could take over a year to happen or even longer, and I only work part time. I am ...show more""
Will my grandfathers insurance go up if I was using the car?
My grandfather let me use his car for work one day (I have no car of my own) and I got a ticket. I went to court today for it, the gave me one point on my license. Will this effect his insurance even though its not my car and I am not on the policy? Or will it only effect my insurance when I get a car of my own?""
Motorcycle Insurance?
Does anyone know of a good/inexpensive insurance company that will insure motorcycles in Grand Prairie, Texas.? I am 18 years old and I can't even imagine what the cost of insurance would be for me. Any suggestions would be great. Thanks.""
Quote for Motorcycle insurance for a Teenager?
I am 19 years old and I live in California. I have liability car insurance and I am on my dads policy. I am planning on getting a 250cc cruiser bike [probably a Honda Rebel (I dont know what year yet)]. I took a motorcycle safety course as well. How much do you think I will be looking at for motorcycle insurance added to my car insurance policy under these circumstances.
Car Insurance Renewal?
I currently have a 8 years no claims bonus and I am due to renew my car insurance at the end of this month. The quote is 520. However as the current value of my car is about 900-1000 and I only do about 3000 miles a year, I dont think its worth insuring this car for this year and plan to get rid of it. I plan to get a newer car next year or the year after. If I dont renew my car insurance this year and say there was a gap of 1 year or 2 between renewals, would I lose all of the benefit of my 8 years no claims? Would i have to start from 0 years no claims again? Any body help? Cheers!""
""Will an unpaid emergency room bill keep me from being able to buy health insurance, OR hurt my credit rating?
I have an emergency room bill which I have not yet paid and I'm wondering if it will keep me from being able to buy a health insurance policy and if the unpaid bill hurts my ...show more
Can my Health Insurance cover for my Car Insurance?
I currently have AmeriChoice as my health Insurance and High Point as my car Insurance. Does anybody know how this works? I've some people say that they have their car ins. with their health ins. and they end up paying less $$ for their car Ins. Help!
What's the cheapest business auto insurance company?
There are different business auto insurance companies, I've heard Erie insurance is one of the best ones, do you know of any other companies that might be better or similar? thanks""
How much would it cost for a 50cc scooter to insure?
I dont want l plates anymore i think its 50-100 lol , and how much would it cost to fully insure it and the test aswell. Im 19""
Texas insurance companies offering insurance on rent-houses?
Where can I find a list of all the property insurance companies that offer insurance on rental property in texas?
Are you supposed to have car insurance at 15?
i just thought of this just now and i remember having to pay for auto insurance at 15 just for a school permit for school and back and i hear some people dont have insurance was i right to pay for it or was i tricked because he says you have to be 16 and said he'll accidentally put that i am and say it was a mistake to the company, i think this is a trick but idk and again others dont pay for insurance but were they just too cheap to do it and risk the consinquence? or did i get tricked back then by my insurer""
Can i get auto insurance without a car?
Can i get auto insurance without a car?
Will my car insurance rate increase if my car is stolen and never recovered?
I also have GAP insurance.
How hard is it for police to verify that you REALLY do have car insurance?
With all the different companies that offer insurance, how would a police officer know if if the insurance card is a fake or not or if the policy number is real during a traffic stop?""
I have an insurance quote of 1300 for a punto 1.2 on a provisional licence?
if i take this quote what will happen when i get a full licence will it go up or down?
Car insurance rate for 24/m honda accord 03?
Just wondering if anyone could guesstimate a car insurance rate for me? I recently graduated college and just got my first job making 32,000 a year. I am thinking of buying a 2003 Honda Accord EX Coupe. I havent gotten a ticket or been in an accident, ill be commuting 20 min to work every other week (carpool) and i have ok/good credit (no co-signer required). Any guesses? Thanks!""
Moms how much did your insurance go up after having a baby?
Right now I have my insurance through work I pay around $200 just for me.. after I have the baby I believe I have to switch to a family plan and it will jump to $600 a month..does this sound right..is it reasonable? Thanks
Backtack on medical insurance for newborn?
Is it Normal for my job to backtrak and charge me premiums for my newborn if I didn't enroll her until about a month after she was born? She was on my wifes insurance up until I enrolled her but they took a lot out of one check. Spoke with the head of finance dept and tells me they still backtrack from when she's born even though she was on my wifes insurance
""Insurance Rates For '05-'09 Mustang GT, '02 WS6 Trans Am Ram Air And '02 Cadillac Eldorado?""
(thank you sooooo much for all answers to my previous question! It's a shame I couldn't shout thank you for pushing the vote button by mistake. I was a total noob here) As everyone recommended me to purchase a 4th gen Trans Am (hopefully the ram air of the final edition), with one person also picking the 05-09 Mustang GT out of my wishlist and my friend telling me to get a 92-02 Cadillac Eldorado, how much is the average of the insurance rates for each car? I'm 24, male, just graduated from college in Japan and have no driving history in America. I'm moving outta here in a year. My nationality is Japanese as well, which means I won't be trusted for a while. Sure my Japanese licence won't be valid in the US so I'll have to retake it over there hence no history... right? :/ Does anyone have a clue? Thanks a lot for reading :)""
Most affordable health insurance?
I know its going to be expensive regardless, I can't afford to go through my work's insurance (over $200 a month). Researching online for medical/dental coverage. Anyone know a good insurance to go through?""
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https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/can-anyone-tell-me-motor-insurance-card-systems-frank-reyes"
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Mine (D.S.) Part 3
Warnings- none
Word Count- 1484
Tags- @samithepixie @loveherron23 @danieljames1998 @74limelight @imarshmanos @bree-the-cute-glitterpuff @whydontwejust123 @seaveystorm
Part one- https://beccagraceseavey.tumblr.com/post/175126139882/mine-ds-part-1
Part two- i dont have the link… just search “wdw imagines” in my blog filter. It’ll pull up.
Jessica’s PoV
“Alright! We’ve landed” I woke up to Dave’s loud voice. I lifted my head off of Daniel’s lap, and we got our luggage. We all thanked Dave and went to find our class. We were about 40 walking minutes away from jeddah, saudi arabia, according to Google Maps. When we finally got there, after hitchhiking, we ran into Ms. Hunt.
“I thought you missed the plane!” she says.
“We know a guy.” jonah says, with a chuckle.
“Well, don’t think you’re getting valedictorian after missing the plane.” She says to me. I just looked down, and sighed. Daniel put his arm around me.
“Anyway, your guys’ hotel room is number 9270.” She said, pointing at the hotel behind her. “Also, we’re flying back tomorrow at 7 am.” She said, and walked away. We went and dropped our stuff off at the hotel, and went to get lunch. When we got there, we were waiting behind my friends I hadn’t seen in a week.
“Abigail, Lilly, Abby, Jada, and Jaylei!” I said, a little to loud.
“Jessica! No way! We heard you got left behind!” Jada said.
“Their manager flew us here in a private jet!” i said.
“Spill the hot goss!” Jaylei said, seeing Daniel’s and my fingers intertwined.
“We’re dating!” I said, causing him to look over at us.
“Hi I’m Daniel, her boyfriend.” He said putting his free hand out for the girls to shake. The girls shook his hand, staring at him in awe.
“Do you guys want to sit with us?” Abigail offered. I looked back at the boys. They shrugged their shoulders.
“Why not?” Jonah said.
“How many?” Asked the waiter.
“Ten.” Abby said. The waiter led us to a round table with menus and silverware. Daniel was on my left, and Lilly was on my right. The girls were freaking out that I was dating one of the most popular boys, and they were sitting with the rest.
Daniel’s PoV
I was glad to meet Jessica’s friends, but I could tell there was tension between Jess and someone at the table. I just didn’t know who. She looked really uncomfortable. I kept observing the other girls, trying to see who looked like it. Abby. it had to be Abby. She was death staring Jessica, but i didn’t know why. Jessica looked up, and Abby mouthed something, but I couldn’t understand it. She looked really mad. Jessica mouthed “I’m Sorry.” Was Abby jealous of me and Jess? I had to know for sure what was going on.
“Jessica?” I said.
“Yes?” She responded.
“Can we talk?”
“Why now?” She asked.
“Jessica. Meet me outside.” I said, sternly.
“Yes sir.” She said, rolling her eyes. I walked outside, and she followed.
Jessica’s PoV
“First of all, don’t roll your eyes at me.” He said, with a serious look on his face. Embarrassed he called me out, I looked away. I now had two people mad at me. Daniel and Abby.
“Yes sir.” I said, fiddling with my hands. It got quite for a few seconds, and he asked,
“Are you gonna tell me what’s going on?”
“What are you talking about?” I said.
“Don’t play dumb, Jessica. We both know what’s going on! If you’re not gonna tell me, maybe I should ask Abby!” He said. I could tell he knew Abby was jealous. He was testing me.
“Well you know she wants us to not be together! You’re acting like you don’t want u to be together either! How about you go date her?!” I said, by this point yelling. I started to walk away.
“Jessica, wait!” He called out for me. I ignored him and walked back inside the restaurant. I was in fumes. I went and sat back at the table, not wanting anyone to talk to me. Daniel came a few seconds later.
“We ordered for you guys.” Corbyn said, trying to break the silence. The whole rest of the lunch, Daniel and I didn’t say a word to each other. We were walking out of the restaurant, when Zach suggested, we all go take a walk at the beach.
“Sounds fun!” everyone agreed.
“I’m going to go back to the room. You guys have fun.” I said, not wanting to talk to Daniel. “Daniel, have fun with you-know-who.” I added. He just dropped his jaw. Everybody else looked so confused. I turned around and walked back to the hotel. When I got inside, I sat against the wall, pulled my legs in, and rested my head on my knees. I cried for about two minutes, when I heard the door open. I didn’t bother looking up.
“Jessica, I’m sorry I got angry.” It was Daniel.
“Go away.” I said, Sniffing.
“I’m not going anywhere until you forgive me. I’m not going to let you go over something stupid like that.” He said, squatting in front of me. I then lifted my head up.
“Jessica, are you crying?” He asked. I then started to cry even more, and nodding.
“Abby and I have both liked you for like 2 years, and we never argued about it because we knew we would never have a chance with you. Now she hates me.” I said, standing up. He then stood up, too, wrapping his arms around me. “I’m sorry I got mad at you. You didn’t do anything wrong. I was mad at Abby and I took it out on you.” I continued.
“It’s okay, baby. That’s what I’m here for.” he said. We stood there for a few minutes. “How about we watch some netflix?” he said, unlocking his phone. We then sat on the bed and watched Netflix.
4 Hours later
“Do you want to see where the boys are at? We could meet up for dinner.” I said.
“Sure. I’ll text them” Daniel replied.
(on group chat)
DS- Hey where are you guys?
CB- Still at the beach with the girls. Zach and Paige have been non stop flirting lmbo
DS- HAHA no way. Do you guys want to meet up for dinner?
CB- Sure
JM- Where?
DS- I don’t care. Wherever you want.
ZH- How about that restaurant in front of the hotel?
DS- Works for us :)
JA- Speaking of ‘us’ did you and Jessica settle your dispute?
DS- Of course :)
CB- Then what have you been doing for the past 5 hours?? ;)
DS- Nothing! Netflix and chill
CB- More like “Netflix and making Chilldren”
DS- Grow up xD
Daniel told me what was going on, and then we went to the restaurant. I wanted to fix things between Abby and I, so I asked her if we could talk. We walked to the bathroom, and she looked really annoyed.
“What do you want now? You already have the man of our dreams!” She yelled
“Abby, please. It all happened so fast. We agreed that if one of us ever got him, we would be happy for the other. What changed to make you hate me?” I said, trying to calm her down.
“First of all, ‘It all happened so fast’ is a bullcrap excuse. Every person on Earth uses that when the mess up. Second of all, we never said that!”
“Abby, I don’t want to have drama. You know I hate it. Maybe just quitting our friendship would be better.”
“What?! You know what, Fine.” She said.
“Sorry! I just don’t want to be friends with someone that can’t be happy for me.” I said and I walked out. The rest of dinner went great. Except that Abby didn’t talk to me.
4 Months later
I graduated last month!! Ms. Hunt said that since I went through the trouble of catching up with the class in Saudi Arabia, I deserved Valedictorian. So, I got it! Abby texted me later that week.
A- Hey, Jess. I want you to know that you and Daniel all worked out for the better. Caleb Shelton asked me out last night. I want to apologize for acting the way I did. I know that we probably won’t see each other for a while, since we’re out of school, but I want you to know this; I forgive you. Please forgive me, even though it may be hard.
J- Of course I will forgive you! I’m also happy for you and Caleb! <3
“Was that Abby?” Daniel asked. We were at the Why Don’t We house playing truth or dare with the boys.
“It was” I said with a smile.
“Everything okay?” He asked.
“Of course.” I said smiling.
“Good.” He said, kissing my forehead.
A/N- this is the last “Mine.” If you have ANY imagine requests, just hmu! I love writing, i just don’t have many ideas :))
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Sam Winchester: The Reluctant Hero
When we wonder in frustration, as to why Sam seems to suffer more than Dean does, instead of being angry at a narative bias, or assuming the show runners hate Sam, take into consideration that Sam and Dean, though equally heroic, are different types of heros Dean is a willing hero. He has been proud of his job as a hunter since he was young, even if sometimes he was bored with it, or would have liked to persue a career as a machanic. From what we see in flash backs, Dean was boasting “Im a hero!” since high school, where Sam just wanted to be like every other kid. Sam’s first choice in life is not to be a hero. Not directly anyway. He was studying to become a lawyer. Azazel said he was becoming a Tax Attorney, but Dean saw him as a Criminal Justice Attorney in What is and What Should Never Be, which I think is more fitting for Sam. The indirect hero that would get justice for the victims. He would make a wonderful psycholigist also. Dean would be a very good cop, or soldier, or first responder. This is not to say Sam wouldnt run into a burning building to save a family, he most certainly would, but his interests seem to lie mostly in long term after care. So for Sam to be in the front line with Dean, is something he does because its the right thing, not because it’s his chosen life path (early life anyway. he has stated in his later life that he did chose this life for himself) and this makes him a reluctant hero. The problem with that though, is that in literature, the reluctant hero always suffers the most.
Its no argument that Dean suffers too. Both brothers have broken my heart on many occasions, but Sam’s suffering over any event, stretches far past the season he suffers it in. This is so we, the viewers, have an idea as to how much of a hardship Sam is willing to endure to save Dean and to save the world. Sam and Dean both willingly went to Hell, but their experiences were greatly different, and unfolded on the show wildly unbalanced. Dean sold his soul for Sam, so Sam would live. He didnt want to go to Hell, but he did it willingly. in Dream a Little Dream, Dean said to his dream self, that he didnt deserve to go to Hell, and even though he made the choice on his own, I think we all feel like it’s a horrible punishment for a guy who just wanted his little brother to live. I know I hoped they could find a way to get him out of the deal, but unfortunately, he didnt. He stayed in Hell for 4 months, or 40 hell years. He was tortured by Alistair for 30 years until he became a torturer himself. Cas raised him out of Hell, completely whole, even old scars were gone, but we didnt know for a while that the memories were haunting him. How did we find out? Because he told Sam. He tearfully confessed to Sam on more than one occasion, what happened, what he did, what it felt like at the time and how it was hurting him then. What came of it is that he got to confront his torturer, and even though he couldnt kill him himelf, Sam killed him for him. Dean got justice. Sam on the other hand, also willingly went to Hell to save the world, but he felt like he was mainly at fault for breaking the world in the first place, when it was expressed that it wasn’t only him, and he was completely unknowingly breaking it when he did. He obviously didnt want to go to Hell, but he felt it was the right thing to do. What he got for that though, was his soul in Hell, canonically, for 1.5 years, 180 Hell years. He was torured by Lucifer himself in the most brutal ways imaginable. Cas raised his body, soon after he went to the pit, but we arent given an exact amount of time, whether it be an hour or so, or a few weeks, we just know he was physically out for the majority of the year, but I can’t imagine 10 minutes in the cage with Lucifer is a picnic. However, he came back incomplete, without his soul, which endured unimaginable torture. If that’s not enough, while soulless, Sam did things he wasn’t proud of when he got his soul back, and suffered with this, Once he got his memories of Hell back, a whole new level of suffering began. How was this handled? To our knowledge, he never told anyone the details of his Hell tour. All we know about it, was shown in flash backs and hallucinations, that ended up driving Sam insane. Sam was “fixed” by Cas, by simply shifting the pain to himself, not by Sam talking about it, or confronting his torturer, or anyone killing Lucifer. Sam didnt get justice in any sense, and he still carries all of this with him. He has even had to work along side Lucifer to try to stop Amara. No one even brought this up, even though Sam had very recently been back to the cage and had to face Lucifer and the trauma all over again. Season 13 and still Sam hasn’t been given justice or seen closure when Dean’s was answered in only a few episodes. How can we not see the imballance? Well, when we look at it as Sam is the long suffering Reluctant Hero, suck as it may, it makes more sense. It plays into the narrative that the pain piles on Sam, and Sam stuffs it down. We ourselves may forget this happens, if the show itself didn’t bring it up. The case of Tracy Bell for example. A girl that pops up out of nowhere in 9x2 for no reason than to remind Sam that he let Lucifer out and people got killed. I know a bunch of you blame the writers of the episode for that, as though they hate Sam or Jared, but that was part of the Gardreel story. Something that the producers must have told the writers they wanted. “Bring something painful up from Sam’s past, so that when he feels good at the end of the episode, we can be reminded that theres an Angel healing him from the inside” is probably close to what was said in the meeting. We the viewers need to be reminded that Sam never lets things go, at the same time as he never really speaks of them either. It took 13 seasons, but Dean confirms for us in 13x4 that Sam doesnt admit things or it makes them real, and then he has to deal with it. Sam even confirms it himself in 12X3 when he says he knows Mom is burying herself in hunting instead of dealing, through years of personal experience. Now that we understand this is part of Sam’s character, we can better understand why we dont get to see his emotional POV very often, and his traumas rarely get worked out. The differences between Sam being the reluctant hero, and Dean being the willing hero, manifest in many ways. Dean gets very antsy if its been a few days that they havent had a hunt to go on. Sam however, is content to stay home researching. Their short time of trying to live a domestic life with their girlfriends shows reluctant vs willing also. While Sam was with Amelia, he had nothing to do with hunting except reading the news paper and believing other hunters were taking care of things. He refused to tell Amelia about that part of his life. Dean didnt hunt, but he kept it at arms reach. He kept devils traps in the door ways, a rosary in water under the bed and a gun nearby, and he let Lisa know all about that part of his life, and even tried to live it and maintain a life with her. Dean is the kind of guy who will show you every scar and tell you the details of how he got it, while Sam will hide his scars. Dean suffers when innocent life is lost, but he holds on to the fact that he’s saved more people than he’s hurt and it can help him make it day to day. Sam feels like he failed if he didnt save someone. This is precicely why Sam suffers the burdens of his wrongs for years, and Dean doesnt. Dean did a lot of crap while he had the MoC but he hasnt had to visibly suffer from it after the fact. Sam however, is reminded of his poor choices for seasons after the fact. Now since its not a matter of Sam goes to jail for things and Dean doesn’t, we only need to realize its part of maintaining a character trait for us, so we dont forget that Sam never forgives himself and suffers for years over what he considers failures. Now, this willingness vs reluctance shows in their relationship also. Im not going to try to prove one loves the other more, because I am convinced that Dean is #1 in Sam’s world and Sam is #1 in Dean’s world and they love each other as much as any two people can love each other (to steal from the mouth of JP) they both take care of each other, and neither had to be told to do so. Even when Sam was too little to actually take care of Dean, he still did the best he could by wanting to be with him, and giving him gifts. Dean didnt have to learn 100 ways to make mac and cheese, he did it because he wanted to make Sam happy. That being said, lets move on... Sam’s reluctance in their relationship, isnt that he loves Dean less, or doesn’t want to protect him, but his biggest fear is letting Dean down. He can save Dean’s life a million times but considers himself a failure if he let Dean down. Dean’s biggest fear however is Sam dying. He can let Sam down, he can piss him off, but if Sam isnt alive and well, Dean considers himself a failure. When Sam assumed Dean was dead in S8 and didnt look for him, he was going on a promise that he wouldnt look for him. Since we didnt get enough insight to Sam’s state of mind at the time, Im going to assume that Sam was crushed that Dean was dead, but for himself, it was more important, that he didnt let him down by breaking that promise. He saw how angry Dean was when Dean thought he made a deal that raised him from Hell, so he “knew” Dean would be disappointed if Sam looked for him now. Dean however, needs Sam to be alive, so he will risk Sam being disappointed and possibly hating him, as long as he’s alive. So now in S11 its brought up again, that Sam didnt look for Dean in Purgatory, and Sam hadnt forgiven himself for it, its not the writers hating Sam/Jared, its showing us that Sam still hasnt gotten over letting Dean down. He’s a long suffering character, and doesnt see that he was justified in his actions, but instead blames himself for inaction. This fits right into Sam not finding a Win in a case where he couldnt save everyone. He knows he helps more people than he hurts, but the fact that he hurts people at all outweighs the good in his eyes. There will be a time Im sure, and hopefully soon, given the events of the last 2 seasons, that Sam may collapse under all this weight. Maybe he will have some time to voice how badly things hurt him. But if he doesnt. try not to write it off as no one caring about his character, but understand his character feels like a burden if he unloads to people, even, and especially to Dean, who Im sure he believes has enough burden on his shoulders, without Sam sharing his. So try to be patient my friends. This would come out differently if it was a written story. The writer would be able to show us inside Sam’s head easier than they can this way. The only way into Sam’s head is through someone vocalizing it. If Sam does, then we dont see him burying things, if someone else does, it sometimes looks like hes being picked on for no reason.... but there is a good reason. It’s to keep his character consistant as the longsuffering reluctant hero.
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Ep. #2 - “Shit ain’t over till the fat lady sings and I didn’t warm my pipes.” (Cameron)
Day 4: Well. I survived my first tribal council of the season, and even though it went exactly according to plan, while I slept my entire day away, I'm still really hesitant to tell myself that I'm doing well on my tribe. I'm really nervous that my tribe mates are playing me, and that I'm really boo boo tha fool here. I called Megan post-tribal, and I was finally able to get some closure on something that happened between us in our personal lives, which felt really good. After that, she asked me about the idol, to which I had responded "Wait, Julian didn't tell you?", which hopefully sows some seeds of doubt in Megan about Julian. Ideally, if the Enlil tribe has to go back to tribal council, the four of us can bear witness to a Megan vs. Julian war. Because unfortunately, the connections I have outside Enlil, are shared with either Julian or Megan. If Megan and Julian are going after each other pre-merge, or during a swap scenario, I don't have to share those connections anymore. After that, Megan and I just talked about the nudes we received during quarantine ~ I then promptly ran to Will to tell him about the potential crack I just formed between Julian and Megan, which was met with genuine excitement. I think I'm really gaining Will's trust, and I think we vibe so well together. Love that guy! Overall, it wasn't a very productive day because I woke up at 4:30p PST. Love that for me, thanks for shading me @ Tribal Bodhi.
going into this scavenger hunt as the tribe that went to tribal last is worrysome. It's a challenge that's fully dependent on our activity, so we are at a serious disadvantage against the other two tribes that get to choose someone less active to sit out. We don't have that luxury. The point/life system eases the blow, however, since we can get less active players 1 life while more active players can get 3. In case we lose, I'm trying to connect with everyone on the tribe. I really don't want to vote anyone out though. I have an alliance with Julian and JJ, and one with Will on the side. Chrissa wants to work with Julian, JJ and myself, and I think Megan and JJ have something on the side. I'm nervous for who would be the target in the vote, and any vote would hurt all of our games collectively. Hopefully we win because the next vote will not be easy AT ALL.
Done w typing this sheet
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jj and zachary are so fucking annoying to this challenge and if i vote for you first at the swap, its probably because youre typing too much during this challenge sorry not sorry xoxo - sincerely johnny a month from now
let me be clear with andrew I was not calling his hosting unfair i was calling the fact that a majority green item giving him a point unfair not the hosting but lack of yellow, also i have a headache i don't feel that good. and I just don't think zach should have had a point for it nothing against hosting obviously i watch a movie trivia thing where literally they have a challenge to challenge any questions that are unfair, that doesn't mean they are calling the question writers or the answer writers unfair.
Zach just won the tribal challenge for us which is fantastic. We can maintain the illusion of a unified tribe longer, which keeps us together in a swap situation, and Zach has clearly painted a challenge target on himself over the last two challenges which will make him go before me if our Triforce ever becomes the minority. I'm really happy with my position in the game right now
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me and monty trying to find the idol and decode this annoying ass video https://imgur.com/a/lu7sbMu
Forgive me father for I have sinned it's been approximately three days since my last confession so far can't complain really we be winning they hating we be riding pretty damn clean I've got a majoritu alliance I didn't start so odds of it falling around me and being the first voted out slim to none thank the sweet baby jesis and all that good shit. Oh well that's all for now
JULIAN’S HOST CHAT GUEST, ZEE:
I am filling in a confessional because you told me to. I am in front of my fan because it's hot. I'm thinking that it seems pretty stupid to ask me for a confessional. Julian's prod chat isn't very interesting because he's distracted.
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also just threw out madison's name to johnny. if this shit backfires on me ill be ):
https://youtu.be/Pqck1gayfJU
https://youtu.be/FMay7NycsPw
yo yo yo homies!!! fuck the scavenger hunt and the mobile Skype app !! Lowkey scared but I think I’m close with everyone on the tribe except madi soooooooooo that’s probably who will go tonight. I’ve connected a lot with Monty and am hoping we can work together closely moving forward 💕not sure how useful my relationship with Zach is going to be come swap/merge bc it seems like he’s ALREADY making himself a target like the big doof he is. More later 💋
https://youtu.be/Qg47yupj1bQ
https://youtu.be/vUK8A1qWVoA
Hello tumblr survivor world! Sorry I didnt confess for episode 1, I was going to but i accidentally exited out of the page when i almost finished writing it. Anyways, it was just a cast assessment for my tribe so tl;dr everyone on my tribe is great and its really sad that we have to vote someone out now. So this whole weekend I was away so I was REALLY worried that I would be voted out since I sat out of the challenge. But after talking to Johnny and Isabelle, it seems like Madison will be voted out tonight. Which is so bad bc this her first game in a year, but hey it's our first vote and it's not me so it's not really the time to make a stand. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Okay I took a break from writing this confessional and there's moreeeeeeeee so part 2 I guess. So I had a call with Johnny and we came up with an alliance of me, him, Isabelle, and Benji. What an iconic alliance, right? But also while Johnny and I talked we got onto the topic of idols and why it is that there hasn't been an idol post yet. I brought up that wayyyyyy back when in Malaysia and some other games around that time, some of the idol hunts were less clear cut. We ended up looking at the blog and clicking the "idol system" tab and it brought us to some weird crab video with audio that sounds like a pokemon cry? Idk part of me thinks its just a joke but I also have to consider that it might be SOMETHING. It said remember to like and subscribe so I sent a screenshot of me liking and subscribing to see if that would do anything but nope. Johnny said he'd do some thinking about it and get back to me later if he figures something out. Also tribal seems super clear cut so I'm a bit less worried now but y'know how it is I can't not worry about tribal.
i just spent $8 on a spectogram and STILL cant find this fucking idol im gonna kms... monty im sorry im steam rolling ahead looking for this thing without telling you, but thank you for the first clue xoxo... if i get stumped in the future ill reach out for SURE (but idt you trust me that much so this seems kinda valid to me) ((FOUR HOURS LATER: i told monty lololol)) ALSO FOR FUCKS SAKE I think madison is gonna go, and truthfully, im fine with it because it's the easiest thing to do due to her poor performance in the past few challenges and just being the least AROUND the tribe, but i know that it'd probably be better for me long term to get rid of abby because i just dont see her as a long term ally for me. i think she's close to JJ and Megan on the other tribe, and she's becoming much more acclimated to the tumblr survivor community that i just BET that she maybe has an additional connection on the rookie tribe. If I can attempt to break that up before we get to a swap, I think that's what im going to have to do figure out if we lose another challenge before a swap... i dont really want to see ANYBODY else go besides abby if im thinking about a second boot. i bet it wont be easy to take her out tho also, if madison goes, this is like...... lowkey vindication for game changers???? last night i talked about this with monty and i was like hmmmm "is it ugly to bring up past game history?" and his response was "not if it's within the same series" .... so. vindication
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omg i just told madison how to find the idol system thing i hope she doesnt tell anyone i told her about it LMAO........ this almost seems too easy.i got added to two alliances today. why do i not feel safe? is it me going? WTF IS GOING ON
excited to be first boot because no one will TALK TO ME!
Things haven’t changed much since my last confessional! As far as I know the tribe hasn’t started into alliances and we’re all riding some excitement at having so far avoided tribal. I think the rest of the tribe and I are all feeling good and just focusing on making the tribe switch without losing any members.
from round 2 https://youtu.be/fk002uG2HoI
Hi sorry I forgot to do a confessional this round so this will be short imma just say a few things 1. I don’t trust julian one bit he can stop being shady to me 2. I can’t believe we aren’t going to tribal I’m so fkn happy i was able to pull out the win for our tribe because I didn’t want to lose anybody else 3. I love and adore will with all of my being and he’s my number 1 ally right now 4. I find it highly doubtful that there’s only one idol in this game and that you can’t find it until merge but that’s as far as I can get in the idol search for now so I guess there’s nothing I can do about it 5. I’m still having fun can’t wait to fuck up another flash game yay!!!
My Purple edit is amazing right now. But having played more games than most of these newbies, I have decided to take on the role of teacher and becoming more of a "role model" for these newbies. I feel like I have the closest bond with Zach, and I need to get a little closer with Collin. I have Grace from past games, and then there are the others who I do not really have any strong bonds with at the moment. I guess I need to start going to them more and show that I want to work with them.
https://youtu.be/yhwXzqrTcsA Confessional 2 for round 2
https://youtu.be/TVnpwqc8XLY
Madison voted out 6-1
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racism in america
Like many people in the world, I have struggled to piece together the right words to put out on social media. But i’ve come to the conclusion that there may never be the perfect words to express how I feel about this matter.
So if I say something that you don’t agree with, dm me or contact me and I am here to listen to you. I am here to learn from what is happening in the world right now and I promise I will learn and listen with an open mind and heart.
The reason why i’ve been so hesitant on saying something on social media is because we live in a world that is quick to judge. But now i’m aware that it’s okay if people judge. As long as I know in my heart that what I believe in is right.
I have a couple things to address so i’m not sure how long this post will be but i’m assuming it’ll be quite long. So please bear with me.
1. All lives matter. But black lives matter most right now.
First, i’ll admit that i’ve struggled with grasping onto the fact that people were disagreeing with the fact that “all lives matter.” I thought... I know black lives matter. But aren’t black lives included in all lives?
The truth is... black lives are included in all lives. But many people don’t see that. This post by Casey Ho brought a lot of light to me and helped me understand this so much more.
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In this short video, Casey shows that a). yes. All lives DO MATTER. But b). BLACK LIVES MATTER MOST RIGHT NOW.
No one said that all lives don’t matter. They do. But not all lives have a history of slavery and are still mistreated till this day in America. Black lives aren’t treated as “all lives” right now. Even though they deserve so much more than what they’re going through. I will never understand what a black person has to endure everyday living with racism but it breaks my heart hearing stories and seeing videos of their abuse.
If my family were abused like that, I would tear the world apart to get justice for them. And black lives are family and they deserve every bit of justice for how they have been mistreated.
2. White supremacy doesn’t only mean white people.
As someone who is neither white or black, I’ve been confused for a while about where I stand in this movement. And then an old friend of mine posted this on her story.
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I think it is so important for people who are like me, neither white or asian to know this: white supremacy and racism are not just caused by white people.
You’re hands ARE NOT CLEAN just because you don’t stand on either side of the scale of white supremacy and black lives.
This post shows evidence of supremacy in asian americans in the past. It shows that anyone can be racist regardless of their race.
3. Because people aren’t posting BLM on social media, doesn’t make them racist.
I have seen so many people (ranging from girls my age to older men) who have been harassed and threatened because people thought they were racist from not posting BLM on their social media platform.
I’d like to share this post with you. Written by a very well thought out black man.
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Many people have their own way of sharing their opinions. I think it’s best if we try and respect that.
While it is not right to be racist, it is also not right to throw death threats toward 16 year old girls on social media because they aren’t as vocal about BLM on their platform.
People can be vocal is so many other ways other than social media.
While social media can be a great platform for education people, many people are also intimidated by it and the power it holds. Let them find their own way of supporting the movement other than social media.
I’ve also seen influencers with money (such as Robert Downey Jr) being abused by people because of his wealth.
He posted for blackouttuesday and many people commented on his post telling him to open up his wallet and give his money away because he has the money.
We have to remember that EVERYONE IS HUMAN. RDJ is not less or more human than we are. He IS NOT a bank or a machine.
Even if he has donated, he wouldn’t want to flaunt it to everybody. If he went around telling people he donated $2M to the BLM movement, people would still judge him regardless, saying he’s being too cocky or prideful.
Like i’ve said, this world is too quick to judge. People say that if people are neutral in this situation or remain silent about it, they are automatically labeled as racist.
Let’s stop putting a label on everything.
Sometimes we need to hear other people’s side of their story before we judge them. We’re all human. We judge people. Yes, it happens.
Let’s just take a breath before we’re too quick to assume things about people.
If someone is silent or neutral in this situation, then EDUCATE THEM. DONT ASSUME they’re being racist. Just because someone is silent doesn’t mean they’re not listening.
Sometimes people are silent because they’re trying to listen. Because it’s easier for them to listen when they’re silent. Don’t be too quick to assume things about people when you don’t know the full story.
4. Not all people are bad.
I feel like more of this needs to be expressed on social media.
Even though what those cops did to George Floyd was so incredibly evil and wrong, we have to hold on to the fact that not every single cop in this wold is like them.
Here’s a video of policemen and the sheriff joining in peaceful protests:
This video is SO POWERFUL.
This shows that if policemen and other are willing to listen to what black people have to say, then we can all build a common strength to come closer to the goal we have in common — to stop racism and supremacy all together in America.
Throughout this month, I have only seen two posts on social media about policemen joining peaceful protests. The one above and one about policemen in Miami.
Looting and burning buildings is not necessary if policemen and the government give people a chance and listen to what they have to say.
5. Mistreatment of black lives IS NOT okay.
The abuse and torment George Floyd and so many other had to go through is in no way okay. Nobody should ever have to go through that.
Unfortunately, I was not able to find the post. But earlier today, I came across a video of a black woman protesting and talking about how black people were asked to learn languages such as French, Italian, Spanish, Chinese, and so many more languages and they complied. But no one ever learned the language of black people and hence black people were called “stupid” and so many other vulgar names.
Black people are not in any way less educated than the rest of America is.
If in anyway, they are MORE EDUCATED. Because of the history and suffering they have personally gone through.
Think about yourself first and what you’ve gone through compared to what someone else has gone through first, before calling them names.
No, it is not fair that black people complied when they were asked to learn so many languages that were not their own but now that they’re asking for people to just listen to them, they have to struggle to get their voice out.
We need to LISTEN to them. It’s really not that hard.
You don’t have to protest to listen. You can do it right now as your surfing the web or social media.
Black people have listened to us for centries. And now, this once, they’re asking for us to listen to them.
So let’s listen to them.
6. Listen.
Listen with an open heart and mind. Be prepared to learn.
It’s not the end, if you have been blinded with racism or white supremacy.
But just know that the blind CANNOT lead the blind. The blind can only be led by someone else. Someone who can see and be their eyes.
Black people have experienced so much racism and abuse. And they don’t deserve it.
Let them guide us towards their voices and what they are saying.
Alma 12:10:
10 And therefore, he that will harden his heart, the same receiveth the lesser portion of the word; and he that will not harden his heart, to him is given the greater portion of the word, until it is given unto him to know the mysteries of God until he know them in full.
Please. Open your eyes. Let the lives who have experienced it teach you.
I want all black lives to know that I fully 100% stand by you and your voice. I want you to teach me, to educate me. I’m here to listen and i’m here if anyone needs anything.
I hope that one day, in this lifetime, we will be able to see a world that is together in unity and purpose. I hope that soon, one day, this country will come together and acknowledge the wrongs of racism and instead, come together and listen.
✊✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿
#blacklivesmatter
x selina
#blm#blacklivesmatter#racisim#america#white supremism#asian supremism#blog#quarantine#personal#journal#Instagram
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for the first time in a while, at least a month, i woke up screaming again. i fell asleep around 4, which i was proud of, feeling myself slowly sliding back toward a preferred schedule. lately i’d still been falling asleep at 6am but would wake up a bit earlier, getting fewer hours but at least seeing more sunlight. the urge to hurt myself yesterday was strong, but luckily there are understanding and generous people in my life to ease me through it, and i am beyond thankful.
two things have happened.
one, an old face from my previous WoW server has resurfaced and sought me out specifically. a different friend had namedropped them out of nowhere, but was also drunk and wouldn’t extrapolate on why he had mentioned it. he just said the character’s name, then drunk-dialed me a bunch of times until i picked up and then had their “gay roommate” scream across the room that “asexuals aren’t lgbtq!”, then hung up.
but anyway the old face returned. we’ll call them “Pockets” because it’s 7am and I’ve barely slept and so i’m pullin raver names out of my ass. I met Pockets back on thobro in 2006ish. we’re the same age, and so we’ve known each other for a fairly long time and kind of grew up alongside each other. Pockets eventually got into a relationship with...I guess we’ll say “Dizzy”. Now, Dizzy lives very far away from Pockets. Pockets lives in America, like me, and Dizzy lives in Australia. But as the capabilities of the internet were improving every day (especially with the advent of internet telephony like skype at the time) it was easier than ever to sustain a long-distance relationship. But by the time I had quit WoW in early 2009, Pockets and Dizzy’s relationship had not progressed as one should have. For instance, Pockets had barely seen any pictures of Dizzy. While they chatted all the time, at that point they hadn’t yet had a webcam chat. It had been some years of constant companionship, yet they never had a plan to meet. But that was fair, I thought, since Pockets and I were only 16 in 2006, so planning that thing was kind of difficult. But by 2009, we were 19, and Dizzy was a bit older in the first place, so surely two people who loved each other would want to meet irl, right?
But Pockets said they respected that Dizzy wasn’t so open about their looks or personal life, etc. Okay. Pretty big red flags, though, if someone you’ve spent almost every waking moment with for three years is being this conservative about their identity. They were prominent characters in most of the server’s RP, so there was a lot of talk. “Maybe Dizzy is like... WAY older than they say, and they don’t want to admit it.” “Maybe Dizzy isn’t the gender they say they are.” “Pockets will get fed up with this eventually—they’re young! They can’t just wait around forever.”
So Pockets found me in game, yesterday, and had transferred to WRA, where a lot of thobro refugees (like myself) ended up. And they sought me out specifically because they remember my friendship with them, and that I had known them (and the rest of our community) all that time ago. And Pockets told me, yesterday, that Pockets and Dizzy had finally broken up. They had stopped talking for about two weeks, and for about two solid weeks, Pockets was staring down the cavernous hungry maw of suicide. “Everything was just... so quiet.”
They must have been fucking married by now, I thought. Either way, it had been over ten years! I knew Pockets was taking it really hard. Except... Dizzy and Pockets never met.
Not once. Not once in over ten fucking years of being in a relationship did they ever meet. And Dizzy had actually been to America a handful of times throughout the relationship. Yet Dizzy never went to meet Pockets.
I don’t know what the rest of the situation was like. If they video-chatted every day, if they called each other all the time, or whatever. Regardless of how you look at it or what the situation with Dizzy was, Pockets was catfished and abused for over ten fucking years. “It’s my fault. I should have left when [etc. etc.] happened...” Pockets told me that they hadn’t even seen end-game content past Cataclysm, despite playing WoW the entire time. Dizzy never wanted to do any of it, but would get upset if Pockets did it without them. So all Pockets did from Cataclysm onward was PVP, and once they reached the top achievements, felt there was nowhere else to go from there and stopped. Dizzy only wanted to play alts and quest. No raids, no PVP, no dungeons even. Just running around and questing, and preventing Pockets from doing any of that content. When someone you have never even fucking met is controlling the way you play a video game and what permissions you have within the game that you pay monthly to play, something is wrong.
Pockets knew they were lacking confidence. They were so lonely and so latched on that they let Dizzy run the show. And Dizzy barely cared. Pockets knew they basically only existed when it was convenient for Dizzy, but outside of that, they were nothing. I felt that about halfway through my relationship with my ex qp, and shared those feelings with Pockets. It took so long to break away and I held on past everything, past my own pain and self-torture, because I had some kind of hope that things would change. And part of me, an insidious part, said that this was the best I was going to get. After all, I’m some broken asexual idiot—”I should be so lucky,” the words rang out in my head, yellowed and worn but enduring and broadcasting itself loud and vivid over and over for years and years and years, tattered even during my childhood, “I should be thankful,”—and this person was my best friend. I should take the affection in the times I could get it. I should just accept that they will want other people sexually because I cannot provide that, and my best friend has a right to be sexual, and they are being so generous by fixing me with their limp novice dick.
So I bit it back and squashed it down and even after asking six times and getting no answer, “Do you have a problem with hurting me?” it took them falling into the pit of legitimate white supremacy and Nazism for me to finally let go. And I had tried a number of times but felt myself being pulled back, and they, too, were so desperate for some sense of power in their shitty meaningless life (if that wasnt obvious), so lacking initiative and direction that when i floated back upstream, they took it in stride like every other aspect of existence, as if i were just some trash that floated down the river that they, some huge, slack-jawed bloated fish, gobbled up regardless. I existed only when it was convenient for me to exist, and the moment I started being consumed by my anxiety, getting combative, demanding more affection, more outward recognition, I was gaslit and told, literally, word for word, in fun little tumblr doublespeak, “Your feelings are valid, but this is all based on things within your head.” me coming to my QP and saying, “I feel like you dont care about me because I keep asking to hang out and you’re completely ambivalent about it, and when i asked you, ‘Do you want to see me?’ you said ‘You can visit if you want,’. It’s a yes or no question. Do you want to see me?” DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HURTING ME? and then being told it’s “all in my head”, it’s a perceived disinterest. YES, that is what I’m perceiving, which is why I’m trying to address that you are not giving me enough attention and acknowledgment for someone you claim to care about! But obviously, it was me that was the problem, because i was daring to exist outside those convenient parameters. If you didnt want to fuck me right now then what was I even doing breathing your air?
And I’ve been thinking about them a lot because it was around this time 3 years ago that i had started my job, which i had to quit, and had also had a falling out with them, and was mourning that loss. as well as a, in retrospect, MUCH LARGER LOSS of tokin, who had taken his own life that same week. so i tried to turn it into a new beginning, doing my job and being appreciated, but eventually i crawled back and, one-sided as usual, tried to mend things with the QP. But it didnt matter to them. I didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. “Oh well,” was their shitty little trademark. Yeah buddy, life is fucking just happening to you and you’re stuck in one place without even a dream of things getting better, or worse, just taking things as they are, apathetically, without interest, wanting for nothing except to fuck girls but not enough to do anything about it, only if they’re delivered to your doorstep.
So here’s the second thing that happened.
Yesterday was coming out day, and a sort of friend-of-a-friend posted their story on facebook. I read it this morning upon waking up.
She mentioned her living situation and how she was living with other women who promised that they would help her, which is, in her words, “a huge red flag”. She says things settled into a routine, and eventually the big problem that she needed help with fell to the wayside in the wake of all of the smaller, but more prolific things: “focused on other fires, both making and putting them out.” She talks about the time she wasted living with these women and how she was “on the edge again”. She trusted people she loved and that loved her to help her, and they couldn’t. But then, after hitting a very low point, she had a breakthrough:
I did something I'm not sure I'd ever done before in my life: I took the initiative to help myself. I researched, found, and made an appointment with a therapist who specialized in this sort of thing. I worked through a tremendous amount of repression. I did mental exercises to actively re-wire my brain, and unlearn my unhealthy coping mechanisms. It was painful.
And then, she wrote this:
Maybe my point is that you can't entrust your journey (ugh, hate that term) to anyone else. You can't let other people tell you who you are or are not. No matter how much you love and trust someone, they cannot do the work for you. They can facilitate it, as [redacted] failed to do, but in the end, it's you... get help, get the best and most objective and impartial help you can, do not let yourself be held hostage by people or environments or your own fucking apathy which benefit from you being inert.
When someone you love offers you help, it's normal to want to take the help, and oftentimes you should. But sometimes, it's too much to give, or they have their own problems or motives, and the help is unreasonable to expect. Do not turn yourself over to someone. Deal with these things on your own terms. Define the terms by which you exist. I lost two fucking years of my life...because I believed that someone else could and would do it for me.
But at least I'm there now. You can get there, too.
I do not know how I can start this journey. I have been trying for ten years, but I have very little direction or resources. I’ve spent the last... god, I guess 8 years, just trying to keep my head above water. Basically since my second year of college, all I’ve really done is survive, and the only times I felt truly alive and like myself were within the rave scene. So I have been clinging to that, and it is a definitive part of me, because it helps me breathe. I don’t think it is “holding me back” because I am not heading anywhere. But I have spent so long gasping for air that I’m almost nauseous from taking a breath. Since I was really young I have cared about electronic music, somewhat in defiance of my live musician parents [drum machines have no soul], and going to thunderdome in a week (!!!) or so is like a pilgrimage to gabber mecca, but also a kind of zenith.
where do i go from here? I’ve said I want to DJ just because parties dont play the music I want to hear, but within the last few years I have felt myself so plugged up and insecure that I don’t know what I want. I’m too old to be precocious and have lost some of my identity in that way because of it. Now that I’m getting older, I feel like I don’t have permission to be new at things. But I have been restrained by permission my whole life. I have earned money yet i’m not allowed to pay for things. I earned my driver’s license by myself yet i’m not allowed to leave my house. i am controlled by my mother’s desperation and neediness and guilt, and by my father’s disconnect and judgment. I am controlled by my siblings’ apathy and my friends’ disappointment in me. i am afraid of not being perfect because then my parents won’t want me, so i put off things that i even want to do and i fear messing up, fear not acquiescing, fear not providing something expected of me, because i will be hurt.
but ultimately i am constrained by my own fears, my fear of pain. i am hurt by the thought that my parents don’t love me and that, to them, i just exist when convenient also, only when they can brag about me, only when they need something done. “I’m worried you don’t get out enough,” my mom says, but all she can offer are words because her heart is closed. she loves by worrying, by stifling, by pity. and i dont want to continue that. i dont want my love to be just good intentions. i want it to be good actions. love, love is a verb.
“I took the initiative to help myself. ... It was painful.”
There is a lot of red tape between my life and my parents’ control. and sometimes doing any action is so exhausting that I cannot do anything for the rest of the day. But I don’t want to be Pockets, waiting for the people who control me to start loving me actively, to have faith in their control benefiting me somehow. I’ve done it before by getting my license by myself. It was slow, and agonizing, and incredibly difficult and drawn-out, but I have it, and it’s mine, and my mom “felt bad”, but I can’t care. Now it’s just a matter of literally getting out the door, without the inquisition, without the mire of their guilt. I am genuinely starving, living on bread and half-expired milk and soda, because I am tired of making my mom cry by asking her to buy things, or coming home with things that, if I had only asked, she would have gotten for me.
I am not asking anymore. I am just going to go get things myself. It will make her cry. She will cry that she is “obsolete”, and that she has “no purpose”, and that she “lives for her kids”, and it will be painful. Like Pockets, I have wasted over ten years of my life banking in good intentions, on the trust that people who love me will help me. Or the trust that even people who are paid to help me will help me.
"Do not turn yourself over to someone. Deal with these things on your own terms. Define the terms by which you exist."
Asexuality is a term that has helped. It gave me more agency in my verbs, of making a command decision about how I approach sexuality, whereas before I was giving myself, in every imaginable interpretation of the phrase, over to someone else. It hurts that I have to fight so much, that I must fight constantly for personhood, even from those who claim they would do anything to give it to me, even from those who physically did give me personhood.
For my entire life I have thought my bloodline cursed. I have lived beneath the shadow of my father's greatest failure. I hated him for what he had done. I hated him for the burden he left me. But now... You have shown me truths that I would have never known. You and your allies have gifted me with something that cannot bear a price: Redemption. Thrall, redeemer of the Mag'har, you honor me as none ever have... On this day, a great burden has been lifted from my chest. My heart swells with pride. And for the first time, I can proudly proclaim who I am. I can finally unleash the fury in my heart.
As long as I know what I stand for, even if I don’t know what I want or how to get it, I can get there. Because I’ve done it before.
When the bread was finished, the tired little red hen asked her friends, “Who will help me eat the bread?” “I will,” barked the lazy dog. “I will,” purred the sleepy cat. “I will,” quacked the noisy yellow duck. “No!” said the little red hen. “I will.” And the little red hen ate the bread all by herself.
Not that I even have my first tattoo yet, but if I ever get a second one, it should be a little red hen on my wrist. It can be my personal shorthand for “take it easy, but take it”.
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how operating systems went for me
the beginning
In the beginning, there was doubt. And fear. But mostly doubt, because I “sort of” knew C, and I could /kind of/ figure out page tables, and I took the prereq for the class, so it shouldn’t be that bad? Well, I was expecting it to be bad, but absolutely nothing worse than 046 right? because that was known to be the worst of CS at this school, so nothing could be worse than that....right?
Wrong. WRONG! First class I was like, ah you know, i know Linux. I’ve OPENED A FILE BEFORE. I know what a FILE DESCRIPTOR IS. (wrong. i truly did not know what a file descriptor was, in all of its essence.) If you read my Admissions post, you’d know that my life was in the process of being truly wrecked by my paper revisions, so I wasn’t able to start on the first lab until the weekend, and it took me around an hour to do the first exercise, which was really one solid line of code, and I was like well ok, there’s only like five exercises, shouldn’t be too bad.
WRONG AGAIN! the last exercise will forever be engraved in my brain as xargs because it took me and my friend K a solid TEN HOURS. to do the last exercise. JUST THE LAST ONE. It was the first time in maybe like a year I went to an office hours. I had never spent so long thinking about recursion in my life. I have really vivid memories of sitting at the rooftop garden with K at the poolside chairs near the Marriott staring back at the googz office, tear streaming down my face, as I thought ahead about whether I should drop the class early. (ok it wasn’t this dramatic, but I was definitely staring longingly at the coffee baristas through the window.)
And after we finished the lab, we thought, oh maybe this is just a poor learning curve. Maybe it gets better from here.
the crisis begins
*say it with me this time* WROOOOONG - we really thought the next lab would be better because it seemed like the last exercise of the last lab, but slightly expanded. but L o L! we had spent a solid five hours with no progress up until like 3am, when I lied in bed in the dark and panic emailed my advisor, asking to meet the next day. There is a calendar event in my calendar called Cry to John (john’s my advisor). I spent perhaps the entire next day up until my meeting at 4pm working on the lab, making a bit more progress after going to office hours. During my meeting, I relayed how hard the class had been so far, and whether I should drop it to the undergrad version of the class, and it got to the point where I was just like “but its just. SO HARD” and he replied “....it’s a grad class dude”
After I returned home, I consulted my head of house and he also suggested I either drop the class or drop it to the undergrad version. I really was like “lol my dude, I’m already only on 42 units, I can’t really just drop this class. it’s already like two and a half weeks into the semester.” So I ended up dropping it to undergrad status.
A few more late nights pulled because I *surprise* have OTHER CLASSES other than this one, and I still ended up staying up til nearly 3am the night before career fair finishing up the lab. A total of more than 20 hours spent on this lab, and I thought, maybe just maybe this would be the hardest lab.
And the next lab wasn’t too bad. I had spent a solid 12 hours on it, but got it done pretty efficiently. Unfortunately, it was still the time in the semester where I was doing like 1923819238 things and catching up with 1928319238 people, so it felt overwhelming, but wasn’t /that/ bad. so i thought things were turning up! I also met up with my old googz team at around this point and told them that it was a hell class, and they relayed their sympathies.
lazy_alloc
So was it in fact, getting better? WRONGGGGGG. the next lab was perhaps the WORST LAB OF THE ENTIRE CLASS. By this point, we had hit the first week of october, and I had deleted instagram off my phone in an attempt to better focus on classes. due to other things happening, like various house gov events, an 18.06 exam, and another pset, I was only able to put in around 6 hours of office hours time on this lab before Wednesday night, where K and I quickly realized that this shit was no joke, unlike the last lab. We had also met our other friend at office hours who would become the third member of our group chat kalloc==0 (iykyk), and we befriended her after including her in our sarcastic comments about lazy allocation. It was maybe four hours into an all-nighter that we went to Verdes, realized Verdes was closed, and proceeded to sit on the floor of the student center and yell about how hard this class was.
It was then like 5am, and I decided to sleep and wake up in the morning to look at it again. It was then 8:30 am, and then it was 12pm, and then it was 4pm, and I had mandatory class. My friend passed me in Stata and asked how i was, and i replied “look at me. LOOK AT ME”
It was then 6pm. I had spent 20 hours of the past 24 hours doing this lab. and the most extraordinary thing happened -- I got the OK. I cried. I weeped. I texted my friends and let them know I was alive. And I slept for a long time.
exam szn
Ok truly, things could not get that much worse after this right? WRONGGGGGG. the first exam was just around the corner! After maybe a week of rest, I started the grind, a painful realization that I knew nothing, I did not truly know what a page table was, I had no idea how a system call worked, and the throwing shit at the wall style of doing the labs was indeed going to catch up with me. It was the long weekend, but I was still studying 4-6 hours a day on top of everything else I was doing, and many nights in the student center were spent in sadness. I barely remember anything from this caffeine/adrenaline fueled week. And I got a whopping 40% on the exam! yay me
All I remember after the exam was crying from shock in Stata after the exam because it was so hard, eating too much at hot pot and nearly throwing up in the Uber, and almost punching a hole in the ceiling because I was so happy that my score was not single digits. I was actually so tired after a week of studying nonstop that I had to S^3 one of my other psets because I legitimately could not think nor read. My friend was then like why dont you just yeet to new york for a break, and i was like who in the right mind would do that??? and then i yeeted to new york (as you can read about in another post of mine). Truly an amazing decision because I really needed a break from that craziness. After that, the learning curve did chill a little. My life though? no, I went to Princeton for a hackathon, stayed up all night doing stuff for our party, and then managed to finish the very last lab of the class right before Thanksgiving break.
the finish line
This brings us to the last week of the semester, where I thank my lucky stars I dropped to the undergrad version of the class, because I watched K suffer through a whole week of all nighters for the final project, in which I definitely would have straight up had a mental breakdown, because that week was still somehow one of the worst weeks of the semester for me (two poster sessions, exam, two week pset). But luckily I was straight up j chilling until the final because i had finished the last lab before break.
obviously, this takes us to last week, which was our finals week, where I spent 40-50 hours over the course of a week just studying for this exam, which features a day where I had done a midterm from 9am-12pm and then proceeded to study from 2pm to 2am for this operating systems class, and I had had three cups of coffee, which I don’t strongly recommend as a life decision. But after much strife and anxiety, I had mustered out a 60/76 on the final exam, which I thought was a solid B, but much to my shock and my other friend’s delight (she checked my class grade for me), I actually somehow got an A after this shit of a class, despite not knowing how to use a pointer 3 months ago, despite trying to survive against grad students, despite having to pour 18239128983x energy into understanding lectures??? somehow. anyways, now i am absolutely sure I have gone through the worst thing you could ever go through in this school. if anything turns out to be harder than this, i’m pretty sure it’s not worth it lol
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