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astrozones · 5 years ago

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Sanders Behavioral Health, Chapter 4: Mother Logan

three hours bouta be gone

discord for only the truest Lads. gender dont matter- Astro’s Zone

Three hours.

Fifteen minutes.

Another hour.

Another break.

And so on and so forth, until it was exactly 8:45 p.m. and Logan would get ready for bed, and when 9:00 came around he would ideally be sleeping, no electronic devices in sight.

It was the perfect schedule for a weekend of study. And Logan sure did need it, he was only a couple months ahead in the curriculum, which was a month less than where he should be right now.

But just as Logan sat down to start, his phone chimed. Logan was 100% prepared to ignore it, but the voice told him he had to pick it up. The metaphorical voice, of course. Now that he knew how to identify it, he knew it was either his OCD or anxiety, and oftentimes both.

Logan stared at the book in front of him, not moving in the slightest. He knew it was stupid, he didn’t have to check anything. But, he could still anxiety rushing through his body.

He picked up the phone and went through his texts, feeling relief almost instantaneously.

FamILY!

{ We should all hang out today!!! }

[ Wait whend the chat name change ]

| like last night roman where were you |

[ Sleeping??? ]

| sleep? who’s she never heard of her |

[ And going back to Patton i am free today ]

{ Yay!!!! }

| my parents are gonna force me to do homework if I don’t, so sure |

{ !!!! }

{ Logan? }

{ We can see you’re online!! }

( I’m afraid I am busy today. I’m studying. )

{ I thought you were ahead in the class?? }

( Yes, I am. But I am not where I want to be. )

{ Aw, Logan!! You should take time to not overwork yourself!!! }

( I do. And I was under the impression that you were busy this weekend. )

[ And i oop- ]

| i can’t believe roman’s a vsco girl |

[ sksksksk ]

| that wasn’t an invitation. |

{ I am for most of the day!! I was thinking we could have a sleepover!!!! ^-^ }

| wait so i do have to do my homework? |

| i’m willing to do it if it means i get to punch roman when he acts like a vsco girl again |

[ Id like to see you try ]

{ I would very much prefer there to be no punching, but it’s great to see you’re both in!!! }

{ And Logan? }

( ... )

( I suppose I can think about it. )

{ OMG YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! }

{ We have the whole famILY :3!!! }

| huh I thought roman would’ve had something to say about that. |

{ I do have some bad news though ;-; }

{ My parents are repainting our living room and don’t wanna risk anyone messing it up :( }

{ So I was wondering if either of you were willing to host? Not Logan because he’s still considering it }

| ugh i should’ve been more picky about it and I wouldn't have to go through this |

| well my room’s too messy and it’d take more than the day to clean |

{ Well, Roman??? }

{ Roman?????????? }

[ Wait what ]

[ Sorry one of my posters fell down and i had to fix it ]

[ Lemme read through the chat ]

| lmao |

[ … ]

[ asdkfldsaihateyouvirgildksfl i suppose i can do it ]

| hey i see that |

[ My parents are out for the weekend so yea ]

{ !!!! YAY!!!!!! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! }

-- --

Logan’s anxiety was yelling at him once more, telling him he needed to put the phone down. Ever compliant to the voice, he put it in a drawer under the desk. A little unnecessary, sure, but it made him feel better.

Logan shook his head, the voice driving into him once more. He was off-schedule! That’s 10 minutes of studying, wasted . He was certainly going to fail, all it would take was one set off his system and he’d get addicted to the freedom it promised.

He took out his pencil, and arranged the books around him to be exactly how he wanted. If it wasn’t, it would be unbalanced, and that certainly wouldn’t do.

Because everyone knows you can’t study unless you have a perfect workspace.

Right?

Logan was outside his house, door in front of his face. He huffed.

His parents had kicked him out for a couple hours, telling him he had to go outside for once instead of staying holed up in his study room.

They didn’t get it.

They didn’t get why it was wrong .

According to them, Ramona Steers, a staff from Sanders, had told them all the ins and outs of what they needed to help Logan get better, and that making him go outside was one of them.

Originally, they said he’d have to be out for 5 hours, but once he told them about the sleepover situation, they had agreed to take an hour off.

So, he was going to a sleepover, he had 4 hours outside, $100 to spend as he wished, and nowhere to go.

Logan walked into the popular local café, The Lolapad, known for it’s fantastic drinks, welcoming aesthetic, and it’s kind owner, Lola Adams.

Lilo was at the counter today, alongside her coworker… Patton?! Logan narrowed his eyes, Patton had never talked about a job, and Logan was a frequent visitor to The Lolapad. Logan knew he had to question him about it.

Well, once he got through this excruciatingly long line, anyway.

The only downside to The Lolapad was its popularity. With it being this early in the morning, it was full of daytime workers preparing for the long day ahead of them. Logan sighed.

He admired the decorations. The floor was a deep blue, to mimic water. The tables were designed like lilypads, and the chairs had a flower pattern. The walls were purple, with painted vines crawling up in some corners of the room.

The ceiling decor was the most impressive, though. Soft, blue lights and glass hung on wires from the ceiling, almost like bubbles flying towards the sky. There was no competition that would ever pass The Lolapad, at least not anywhere nearby.

He recognized a few students lounging in chairs, mostly consisting of the upbeat, extroverted club members.

And, if he was right, one Vanessa Cordill, with her boyfriend, Jace Lendell.

God, he despised Vanessa. She had been a huge bully in the past, only stopping after he stopped reacting to it. Logan hardly had anything to do in class, having learned all of this in his own time, and his teachers would yell at him the moment he picked up a book to study ahead of the curriculum. So, seeing what his classmates were doing was the only interesting option.

And oh, Logan saw .

He was never one for gossip, but he remembered so many things.

And most of it had to do with Vanessa.

Like that time she had snuck a gun into the bag of the boy beside her- Victor Jackson. Victor was taller, and larger, and had a mean-looking face. For anyone who got to know him, though, he was very sweet, and hated hurting people.

Victor was expelled the next day.

Logan had, of course, defended Victor. But Vanessa was convincing, lying her way through her nice girl act until the principal was convinced.

So, Logan did what he did best. He collected evidence. And, once he felt as though he had enough, he would report her.

But until then, he was forced to stand by and watch as Vanessa got to do whatever she wanted.

She was like a villain out of a bad movie, or a crappy fanfiction.

“Oh, Logan!” Patton’s voice dragged him out of his thoughts. Logan was at the front of the line, apparently. “I didn’t expect to see you here!”

“Neither did I,” he responded. “When did you start working here?”

“Oh, no, I don’t usually work here! Jessalyn asked me to replace her today, well, she asked last week- so I’m working here for a couple hours! Lola was okay with it, she’s really nice y’know? And-”

“Are you getting paid?” Logan asked. It would be rather selfish of Jessalyn to keep all of the money, at least in his opinion.

Patton shook his head. “Nuh-uh. But I’m okay with it though! I like helping people. Now, what can I get ya?”

Logan found himself on a swing at an empty park. He had finished his drink, and was now letting himself go back, and forth, back, and forth. He wasn’t the biggest fan of attempting to do anything… potentially dangerous, but he found softly letting himself go back and forth was a good way to collect his thoughts.

The birds chirped in the background as the sun shone above him. Everything was as it should be, but he couldn’t stay too long at the risk of getting a sunburn.

He heard a text come in, and he pulled out his phone.

FamILY!

{ If your son gets burnt by the sun, is it a sonburn? }

-- --

Logan smiled slightly as the replies came in from his friends, all exclamations of distaste as Patton sent a plethora of emojis, that mostly being-

Oh.

Wait.

His friends .

…

Hm.

Not that he was against that, of course, but the immediate reaction of calling them his friends was, well, a little unnerving. He had always been the quiet one, and had a few friends in the past, though they had all moved away to other towns or cities or whatever . He didn’t care.

And if his new friends did the same, he would be okay with that. Yes, he would definitely be okay with that. If they cared, they would contact him, and if they didn’t, he was okay with that. There was no use fighting it, after all that would only give him more time to study.

As it should be.

He put his phone away, no use replying, as he had already agreed to go to their sleepover.

He heard giggling from behind him. He was brought back to the real world, only to find that he had slowed to a stop. Logan turned his head around.

There stood a small being, maybe 6-7 years old, and definitely a child. He had a light brown mop of hair on his head, and donned a red-black-green coat and tiara. He stood to face… it.

“Hi! I’m Adrian!” the kid said, stuttering over the ‘r’. “What’s- did you just get done from a- a-

‘businesses’ meeting or somethin?”

Logan looked down at himself. He wasn’t even wearing a tie today… he had a simple black button-up shirt, and jeans. What about this screamed ‘professional’?

“No,” was all he said in response.

“Are you- are you gonna go to a businesses meeting?”

“No. I’m still in high school.” At this, the miniature human named Adrian grinned, and he could practically see the metaphorical sparkles.

“That’s so cool! I’m only in firs’ grade, but Mommy says I’m gonna be 7 in-” Adrian started counting on his fingers. “15 months!”

“What… do you mean 15 days?” he asked, it was either that or 15 weeks. Adrian nodded excitedly. What he was excited for, Logan couldn’t tell.

“YEAH! I’m gonna be so smart!” Adrian boasted, causing Logan to smile slightly. “Do you wanna come play wif me?”

“I- er-” he was cut off as the 6-year-old grabbed his hand and tugged him along towards a large willow tree.

“I’m gonna show you my friend- her name is Joy! She has two dads, isn’t that so cool! Some people make funs of her for it- but I find it cool! She’s really funny, there she is!” He pointed towards a girl, presumably 6 as well, in a princess costume, and very red hair.

“JOY! I FOUNDS US A FRIEND FOR OUR TEA PARTY!” hold on, tea party ?!

“It’s Princess Joy now,” the girl stated, surprisingly strict for someone so small. “Who is he?”

“Dis is Logan!” Adrian said, adding in a whispered, “he’s a buisnesses man”

“Hold on-” Logan tried. He suddenly found the purple princess in front of him, eyebrow raised. Was he about to get judged by a child?

“Hmm,” Joy said, looking him up and down before nodding. “He may stay.”

She turned around and strutted back to where she was sitting before. She dusted off her skirt before plopping down on the ground, gesturing for them to sit near her.

“We don’t have an actual table, so we gotta pretend.” Adrian whispered to him before skipping over and sitting near Joy. Logan reluctantly joined them.

“Princess Adrian, may you please pour the tea?” Joy instructed. Adrian nodded, miming the actions of pouring.

“Princess?”

“Yes, Peasant Logan,” Logan jerked his head back, this kid - “Princess is longer than prince so’s it’s better than a prince. Princess Adrian and me are both princesses.”

“Prince and princess are equal titles.” Logan said. Joy actually looked offended .

“Impossible.”

“Yeah!” Adrian chimed in, sitting himself down in his spot. “Everyone knows that.”

“But-”

“Princess Adrian! That’s rude, Logan’s a peasant so he didn’t know.” Joy said, taking a ‘sip’ of imaginary tea.

“Oh! Sorrys Logan.” Adrian’s voice lowered, and if Logan was right he was on the verge of tears?

“Er… It’s okay Adri- Princess Adrian.”

Adrian brightened. “YAAAY!” he cheered, getting up and bouncing around him. Logan didn’t know what to do-

“That is not princess behavior, Princess Adrian.” Joy said, turning up her nose. Adrian looked confused.

“It isn’t?”

“Princesses are more quiet. I’m 7, so I know better.”

“I’m 17,” Logan cut in. Joy turned to him.

“And? You’re still a peasant, Logan. I don’t makes the rules,” Joy put her cup of tea down. “I only knows them.”

Logan was about to respond, when-

“Woah, hey what’s going on here?” another voice said. Turning around, Logan saw Roman enter their little… area behind the leaves. He sighed.

Adrian gasped from beside him, nearly tripping over his feet in order to get to Roman. He peered up at him.

“Are yous a prince?” He asked, practically vibrating where he stood. Roman scoffed.

“Of course I am, I’m Prince Roman! I just lost my crown.” Roman announced. Adrian glanced at Joy, who nodded, causing Adrian to smile.

“I’m Princess Adrian! That’s,” he turned back around to point at Joy and Logan. “Princess Joy and Peasant Logan.” Roman, the bastard, hid his giggles behind his hand. Logan glared.

“Peasant Logan didn’t knows that princesses are higher than princes cause princess is longer. That’s true, right?” He asked, dragging Roman along to sit with them. Roman looked at Logan, smug.

“Of course! It’s common knowledge! For shame, Logan!” Roman exclaimed as he sat.

“For shame!” Adrian repeated. Logan groaned, shoving his face into his hands. This is not how he thought his day would go.

He felt a small hand pat his knee, and he looked up to see Joy looking at him with a sympathetic frown.

“It’s okay, Logan. Not all of us can be royalty.” She said, before returning to her princess persona and commanding, “Princess Adrian, would you may please pour Prince Roman some tea?”

Adrian nodded, standing up and dashing around the ‘table’ to give Roman his… ‘tea’.

“Thank you, Princess Adrian, I am forever in your debt.” Roman mock bowed from his sitting position. Adrian giggled before returning to Joy.

“Once we are done with our tea, we shall help you find your crown, Prince Roman.” Joy said before taking another sip.

“Of course. Thank you, Your Highness,” Roman faked taking a sip of his tea. “I must say, this tea is quite delicious! I commend your skills, Princess Joy.”

Joy preened at the praise, resituating the tiara on her head. “Thank you, Prince Roman. It is greatly appra- appre- appreciated.”

Minutes of his free time went by as they all mimed sipping tea and making small talk. Well, all except Logan. That quickly changed once Joy prompted him to start drinking, with Adrian and Roman piping up in agreement. Begrudgingly, Logan followed through.

Eventually, Joy stood up and announced that they had all finished their tea, and had to search for Roman’s crown. Logan argued that Roman’s crown didn’t exist. Joy said he was just a peasant and didn’t know what he was talking about. That shut Logan up pretty quick.

So, he was dragged around on the search for a crown he was certain didn’t exist. Joy separated them into teams, Roman and Joy on one, Logan and Adrian on the other. She said her reasoning was ‘one to search and one to protect’, with both her and Adrian on the search side.

Logan silently followed Adrian around as he set out to find it, looking in the places it couldn’t even be at times.

“Logan!” Adrian whispered, tugging on his sleeve. “Logan look! Issa bunny.”

And it was. A cream colored rabbit was frozen staring at them, ready to move at any sudden movement. Hm, that reminded him of Virgil… or was that rude?

He watched as Adrian slowly crept up on the rabbit. Logan looked around to find Joy and Roman. He saw Joy’s bright purple dress… in a tree? Roman was right next to her, carefully following to catch her if she fell while she was searching the tree.

He turned once more to Adrian, only to find him cuddling the bunny. Odd… if it were wild, it would have bolted the moment he came too close, so this one must be socialized. He walked towards Adrian and the rabbit.

Adrian smiled at him as he approached.

“I named him Jerry!” Adrian whispered, extending the rabbit towards Logan. “Wanna pet ‘im?”

Logan reached out to Jerry, only to jump back when it tried to bite him.

“Bad Jerry! Don’t bite people!” Adrian reprimanded the animal, as if it were a dog and not a clearly aggressive rabbit.

Well, at least when they brought it over to the other two it attempted to bite them, so at least it wasn’t exclusively Logan. It seemed to only like Adrian, to Adrian’s delight and Joy’s distaste. They were quickly corralled into a game of House by Joy, the quest for Roman’s crown forgotten.

Joy claimed herself as the father, saying, “I have two dads so I have to be the dad!”. Both Roman and Adrian nodded in agreement at her claim. She pointed to Logan.

“You shall be the mom!”

“ What- ”

“You act like a mom so you are a mom.” She cut him off, turning to Adrian and Roman for confirmation. They both agreed, Roman looking amused at Logan’s sneer.

“I’ll be the kid!” Adrian announced. Joy nodded and pointed to Roman.

“You can be the dog! Because you remind me of the golden dogs.” She said. Logan would’ve laughed if he hadn’t been put in a worse situation. Roman nodded, looking determined.

“Woof,” was all he said. Joy nodded once more.

“Perfect.”

—

So Logan found himself playing a game of House, something he hadn’t done in years . He interacted as little as they would let him, dear god if another student came and saw him like this, he wouldn’t survive.

He ended up there for far longer than he had wanted, a total of 6 hours since he was kicked out. Yet he was reluctant to leave, he knew it would break the kids hearts if he did.

He was finally freed from his metaphorical prison when a voice called,

“Adrian! Come on, we gotta drop off Joy at her dads’ house!” A woman called. Logan glanced at Adrian.

“Is that your mom?” he asked. Adrian nodded, turning to the two older men. He gave them both hugs, first Logan, then Roman. He even gave Roman his tiara, saying he was sorry they couldn’t find his crown, and he had more tiaras at home. He turned as Joy stood up and they both sprinted towards Adrian’s mom, well, only after Adrian had picked up Jerry.

Both of the remaining boys watched, amused, as Adrian seemed to argue with his mother before she gave up and let Jerry in the car. Before Adrian got in the car, though, he turned to the boys.

“Bye-bye Logan! Bye-bye Prince Roman!” he shouted, before disappearing into the car.

“So,” Roman started, and Logan mentally prepared to be poked fun at.

“See you at my house in a couple hours?” Logan blinked, once, twice, before he realized that he wasn’t being made fun of for playing with children for several hours. Well, he supposed that made sense, as Roman had done the same.

“Uh… sure.” Was all he said before making his way back home.

—

Logan was stressed, to say the least, when he got home. His parents were happy that he stayed out for longer than they had offered, but all Logan’s mind would acknowledge was that he went off schedule. He was going to be so behind, this is why you don’t go off schedule, Logan! You get looped into it, and you’ll never get out of it.

He dedicated the rest of his free time to studying.

As it should be.

13 notes · View notes

inkskinned · 6 years ago

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literally just a dumb unorganized list of school tips

source: im a grad student. i’ve had a lot of school. also i’m adhd & mentally ill and require +8 organization. this is mostly directed @ college students, but maybe high school students can use it too, fuck, idk, it’s been forever since i was stuck in that hell hole

just say “professor” either ur using the correct title for a person (will make them feel good) or you’re giving them a bigger title on the assumption they deserve it (which will make them feel good) and also prevents having to ever i mean ever use their names

talk at least 1 time a week in each class, aim for 1 time a day. even lecture classes. i fucking hate talking in front of more than 5 people, so what i would do is prepare a question about the hw/etc (even if i didn’t need it answered) to ask the professor after class so they saw me and got used to me and saw i was invested in their class. about 89% of teachers - if they see you try, they will pass you. i mean it’s literally that easy. i know people who went from like a c- but because they legit tried, their grade got bumped up to a b-.

if u have to bring a laptop, pre-download the required material/screenshot it, and then turn off your wifi. it’s too easy to not listen.

physical writing will always give you more information recall over typing.

nobody cares about stupid shit anymore trust me they don’t remember that you were accidentally locked in a towel out of your room bc they have their own dumb shit that happened.... in college all the “cringe culture” turns into “god i wish that were me” culture ... wear ur onesie to a party trust me you make +800 friends and 799 of them will be girls telling you you’re adorable and they’d die for you

about locking urself out.... if ur like me and can breeze past post-it notes placed in obvious areas, don’t be a dumb bitch and rely on post-it-notes. while most schools offer 1 free lockout, dont rely on it - it once took 2 hours before someone could get to me. i was in a towel, which meant no phone. so like. anyway, what i do now is i put something on the handle of the door i have to open/unlock. i can’t just open the door w/out the thing falling down and making a loud “you dumb bitch unlock the door before u shower” sound.

this works for all important don’t-forget it things. other obstacles i’ve used to remind myself to do something include: putting a chair with my wholeass posterboard in front of the door, an entire printer with a single piece of paper that just read “for the love of god check to be sure you have that essay”, and a recycling bin i kept forgetting to empty. guess what bitch finally emptied the bin once it was between me and a swift exit!

no offense and like the whole “it’s the best years of your life!” thing is great but in reality everything goes better scholastically when you treat it as “i came here to win, not to make friends.” i still did make friends, went to parties every weekend, was popular enough i’d be invited to several on one night - but i came there to win. when i put my scholastic life and my mental health first, i went from a 2.0 to a 3.98. yes you can, bitch.

you’re spending the money. don’t squander it. trust me when i say i know plenty of people who breeze through, bc you often can. but like. don’t. challenge yourself bc like. talk about an investment.

if you hate your major, change it. don’t make your life something you can’t stand. on that note, do NOT agree 100% to a track until you have at least some experience in the field. i cannot tell u how many ppl i know who got their whole masters/phd program done, walked into their new profession, and were like, Oh Fuck, I Can’t Live Like This.

college literally offers so many free things and if you’re not taking advantage of them whenever possible i get it but like. try to take advantage of them. this is everything from your gym (which probably has free classes dude) to clubs to like. sober events. these sober events are so ... fuckin good dude i’ve made mason jars with little plants in em... bee aviaries... candles.... go to the free stuff

oh ps on free stuff i wanna say about 4 of 5 days there’s free food on campus just look for things like job fairs, presentations, or discussion groups. also while you’re there at the job fair like. u know, go to the job fair in earnest

i took off 2 years to work and also to just. recover from my bullshit. and it took me 6 years and 3 schools to get my bachelor’s. it wasn’t easy but bitch i lived. there’s no such thing as “too long” to graduate if that’s truly what you want to do.

if on the meal plan, eat as clean as you can the first week. then introduce each part of the cafeteria’s possibly-food-poisoning-creating foods one at a time. give @ least 2 days between each experiment so you know for sure if you get sick what caused it. i literally never eat meat at school but you can still get sick off of unwashed lettuce/salad dressing that hasn’t been refrigerated properly/weirdass things you won’t even think of. this prevents like. dying in a public bathroom.

white loaf bread can be gross & boring. discount bakery section for your slightly chewy artisianal bread needs. if overstale, either toast it or dunk it into water and microwave it (unless u got an oven. use the oven if u can)

steal as many apples from the dining hall/events/etc as physically possible just do it they keep FOREVER and @ some point you’ll be like. fUCK i need a nutrition. ps if you’re keeping them in ur backpack (i wouldn’t keep more than 2) make sure to wrap w/a few paper towels so if you drop your bag you don’t get apple mush

write it all down bitch. “i’ll remember it” no you won’t. unless you are capable of remembering every idea on this list and in order, you won’t remember it. in general, if you write something 3 times, you will recall it correctly at least 80% of the time. i also read it out loud to myself, bc, you know, auditory recall

DO NOT just put your assignment at the top of your notes, unless you’re 100% sure that will work for you. in most cases, it’s much better to have a planner/agenda/place you expect to look for assignments. +7 points if you lie to yourself about deadlines and move them all up.

like not to sound too much like a DARE ad but like. if you don’t like it/don’t want it, don’t fuckin do it. the idea that “there’s nothing to do if you don’t party” is such bullshit. like i promise if you’re like “i am a grouch and want to stay in and binge netflix” about 45 ppl will show up in pjs like “bitch fullscreen it, im a grouch too.” there’s also like. the chance to just.... not overindulge. on wednesdays i have “wine wednesdays” where we sit around and drink a glass of wine while we do our hw. it’s chill and friendly instead of like. drink until u vomit. don’t feel like you either gotta slam the breaks or the gas pedal, is what i mean.

PLEASE know the signs of alcohol poisoning/overdose. most schools have a “Safety Always Matters Most” policy, which means that you can call for help w/out getting into trouble. if you think someone is in danger, act. this also goes for making sure ppl get home safe even if they’re just incapacitated, not poisoned. step in, dudes.

also just. notice when ur starting to rely on stuff too much. i’m super easily addicted to things, so i keep a healthy distance from liquor. i don’t let myself “drink to feel better” bc that’s a scary, scary thing to link to feeling better. if you or somebody u know starts drinking all the time/gets anxious if they don’t drink/drinks in the daytime .... get help. schools have counselling services for a reason.

you’re gonna get a cold/flu of some sort in the first 2 months just brace for it. in the meantime, drink vitamin c, try not to touch too many handles, and when people say “there’s something going around” believe them.

watch kaplan nike just do it

if you can teach it, you know the material. a super good way of knowing if you studied the right way is to try and teach the material to a stuffed animal/imaginary class.

“i don’t know how to study” bitch me too the fuck. this is usually bc we’ve been taught that studying is just sitting down and staring @ ur notes. it’s not. it’s different for everyone, and you need to understand it’s 99% preventative care. if you don’t go to the class or do the homework, studying is going to fucking suck, bc you’re learning the material all at once for the first time. the place you should consider “studying” is “i’m confident in 70-90% of the material, but need to review.” do not let yourself fall behind .... just go to office hours and ask questions if ur not getting something. studying should feel like you’re remembering what you already knew but kinda forgot, not like you’ve been blindsided.

the whole “writing it down in ur own words” while u have been told this 700 times it really helps bc it means u gotta translate it through your own understanding. if you can’t, and it’s not bc the material seems too obvious to you to state in another way - ask yourself if you don’t understand the material. chances are u are missing a bit of info.

i know it’s like A Thing that Some People do but i never had the mental health points for it but i know some people just take 15 minutes after every class to review their notes. since i’m 100% early to every class ever, obnoxiously so, i try to do it before class. having the last class’s notes up in my head super helps. like. put down the phone i know you’re socially anxious me too but review those notes. chances are if u start flipping through pages other ppl will too. this is also fun bc as soon as you start this whole thing, at least one person will be like “is there a test?” no bitch there’s no test but im gonna be ready when there is!

literally so much of success is fucking posturing i could link about 800 peer-edited studies that show that when a student is expected to do well (and knows they are), they do well. like i literally didn’t change my appearance at all, never bothered to look nice (once winter hits i wear 67 layers all the time), but when i showed up after my 2 years off from school, i presented myself with the whole “i came here to win” vibe and people... really respected me? i mean in hs i remember ppl saying shit like “yeah, well, you aren’t gonna have the homework”. by the time i was in college i had an honest-to-god conversation which included someone being like “so tell me what you’re overachieving at right now” like they just expected it from me. wild.

i live by “bite off more than you can chew, and then CHEW IT” but it’s probably unhealthy. the truth is that i have a lot of energy all the time (lmao adhd!!!) and i used to get told i was “trying too hard” and for a long time (still???) i didn’t (i don’t?) know what that was, you know, bc i had a D average, clearly i wasn’t trying. it turns out i was just. putting all my energy into stuff that wasn’t making me happy like toxic friendships etc. when i decided “nope, all this energy is for me and my schoolwork”..... uhhhhh suddenly i was a golden child and everyone praised my try-hardness ... it’s a fuckt up system tbh

take at least 1 class just for fun. i try to do that every semester. it helps break up all the requirements. if you’re like an engineer and got no time or credits left to spend, try to audit your fun course.

make ur advisor love you i don’t care what it takes make them cupcakes show up to thank them i dONT CARE just do it

the library isn’t always the best place. if i start getting anxious bc i pavlovian train myself that library=work, i find a new place to go to do hw. try to go outside if you can!!! not like where i live bc like it’s snow all the time but try. a little green really really really helps depression.

if you’ve been in the same “Studying” place for 1 hour and haven’t done anything the chances are Something Isn’t Right. first, look @ ur body. are you not focusing bc of some pressing physical need? sometimes just taking a shower and coming back helps. are you uncomfy? are you too comfy and going to sleep? if body okay, look @ the material. do you not understand it? do you just need to switch to a new topic for a little bit? can you find a youtube video that will help you better understand it? make notes on what you don’t get so you can ask in the next class. if it’s not the material, it’s not ur bod, check the Actual Space. sometimes just getting up, going for a short walk to a new place, and trying it there actually? really works? if none of this is working.... try ur brain next. hardest to reset bc like, what, turn it on and off again? i use things like caffeine, a short workout, a nap, or a podcast all to just... give me a little boost.

don’t be afraid to leave. i mean this about class, friend groups, and the college ur at. just get up on outta there if ur not feelin it. i cannot recommend “drop the class” enough. even if it’s a required course see if u can switch the times if u hate the professor day 3 it’s not gonna get better just get the fuCK out

don’t nap in the same position u go to sleep in, nap upside down w/ur head away from ur pillow. don’t ask me why but it works to 1. fall asleep faster 2. make sure u sleep okay at night and 3. wake up less annoyed

on that note don’t ever do anything in ur bed in a sleeping position unless it’s genuinely sleeping in it. body will get confused. just sit up, lazybones.

when/if the library has those therapy dogs during finals week.... just go pet them make the time for it

ask before hugging people, but don’t expect a “yes”

get a backpack that fits and doesn’t hurt ur back u fuckin hippie idc how cool it is to wear ur backpack super low just don’t do it it’s not worth it

the tutoring center is a fucking goldmine.... free essay edits my dudes

bring a fan dorms are always hotter than u expect

switch dorms if u can if u realize ur in the wrong room/wrong roomate like just don’t bother with nonsense

when in doubt, follow preschool rules. tell ppl when they did something cool, just ask when u need help, and be confident even in your mistakes, because at least u tried

#anyway

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fisherfurbearer · 5 years ago

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fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

#jjst...ffeels like shes violating somethingg #and treating me a LOT like how my abusive mother used to treat me #why are you CRYING? you cant be trying here. this is a BUSINESS.#is a lot like Why Do You look so MISERABLE all the time?? why are you CRYING??#and shit like IGNORING ME when i try to change my hours #straight up ignoring me #she basically made it clear shed rather me QUIT than fuckingg chop 2 hours off my AVAILABILITY #ITS SO FRUSTRATING #AND SHES SUCH A HYPROCRITE #scheduled 7-2 every sunday!!#yet you cant change my availability to 7-7??#you NEED ot keep it until 9???#but working until 9 and getting home around 10 and getting no sleep because i need to take care of my pets and myself #and get up at 5:30 the next morning for work at 7 #WHEN THAT COULD EASILY BE ALTERED BY CHIPPING A COUPLE HOURS OFF MY AVAILABILITY #AND MY DOCTOR ALSO THINKS I NEED TO CHANGE IT TOO #BUT WHO FUCKING CARES RIGHT ITS A BU S I N E S S #SURE SURE BUT WHEN A CUSTOMER FLIPS THE SIGN ON A $7.94 SHIRT #TO SAY 0.94 CENTS #WITH THE CENTS SIGN!!!!#THEN I HA V E TO HONOR IT #THATS A+ BUSINESS RIGHT THERE #BITCH DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO APPROVE A COUPON ON SLEF CHECKOUT!!!!#AND OUR FRICKING STORE MAANGER MAKES TRIPLE FIGURES!!!#BUT NO ONE FUCKINGG CARES #NO ONE FUCKING CARES #I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMOREE #id dont want to have to lose my job and stability over this one person #but this isntt...ok #i shouldnt have to go to work and deal with MORE emotional abuse

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myunknownsource · 5 years ago

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Parental Alienation

Hello,

I am sure you're curious what this would bring you to. And I would love to get right to the point. TLDR at the bottom.

Ronee (candle-jacked) told you all a bunch of lies. The first one being that her ex had abandoned them in October. We had their son for Christmas 2 months after he supposedly abandoned them. We didn't even start dating until December.. And then she told you that he called her on new years eve to tell her they needed to break up even though they had been broken up for many many months at this point. Trust me he was extremely occupied new years eve. The only reason I can think she thought they were together was because at some point before we started dating his roomates girlfriend at the time was thinking about leaving and getting her own place and he wanted to see if Ronee would be open to the idea of him, her, their son, and his other roommate in getting a place. He only wanted to do that so it was easier for him to see his son. He ultimately changed his mind when he was skeptical of her getting a job and pulling her weight evenly, which had never really happened well in the past, the only time it did money was held over his head while he watched and took care of their son. Justin and I started dating at the beginning of December after dating for 2-3 weeks in November. We hit it off extremely well and seeing that we have been together for 4 years says a lot. I’m sure you all know and support someone who started their relationship extremely quickly and if you're ok with that it would be very hypocritical of you not to be ok with this. Which is exactly why I didn't quite understand why Ronee herself freaked out when her entire relationship with justin not only started while she still had a boyfriend but it became a sexual relationship before they were ever bf and gf. Not that I would ever care or judge something like that. I think the next lie we can talk about would be the “paramour”a lover, especially the illicit partner of a married person” shit. Justin and Ronee weren't married, they were not engaged, they weren't even dating. Its just yet another spiteful name she felt the need to call me, alongside bashing my sexual history (which seems pretty anti feminist to me) as well as telling people I sold my body for money (i wouldn't have even been 18 so lets thank god thats not true) and that i frequently fist fought my mother and my brother, also not true you can literally ask them lol. I have an amazing relationship with my mother who i was actually just visiting in AL where they moved and my brother who just got back from fighting for your freedom just left my house like 2 hours ago. SO yeah.

Another lie she told me herself when she was trying to get me to turn on Justin was that they were engaged when we started dating. Did she tell you guys about that or just me? Apparently because she didn't like traditional rings she didn't have one to prove it to me because he was designing one specifically for her.. Im sorry guys and no offence to justin but he doesn't care about stuff like that, its weird for him and I have come to accept that. Now on the other hand if she had told me that he asked her to design it I would have maybe believe her because thats more his style. She also told you guys his own family disowned him, that isnt even close to true. She even tried to say it was because I assaulted his sister? Whos was a minor at the time and still is now. SOO lets poke some holes in this story shall we? Justins mother and I are arguing about who knows what, I really cant remember and her daughter is behind her on the stairs (im in the basement with justin) the argument is getting heated and Donna (justins mother) decides to come about 15ft forward until there's about 3ft between us. (his sister is still on the stairs) but apparently mid argument I freak out and punch his sister? Whos 20ft away from me, past his mother? Maybe Ronee can clear that up for us. On top of that if I assaulted a minor that would have been an easy instant phone call to the police and I would have a very easy to find record in Missouri. Yet I dont. Because that didn't happen. Also why did we move back in with Donna when we had to abruptly move to missouri per instructions from our GAL (mareks lawyer from the courts) because otherwise Ronee would get the visitation she wanted which was supervised (though she had no evidence to be granted that) for 4 hours a few times a month. Despite the fact that we lived 4 hours away. Anyways, where were we? Ahh yes. Donna welcomed us into her home because at the time we were her chance at seeing their son (her grandson). I got a semi sincere apology from her for punching me in the face that night and we moved on from it, becasue im a good person. Ronee still says his family hates him but lets do a headcount. Justin, his brother, his mother and his sister, also 2 cousins. WHo doesnt like Donna? Justin, his brother, and his 2 cousins because they all also know what their parents told them about their shitty aunt. Even Ronee herself said she was a shitty mother and that Diane was there for justin more than his mom.

Now its time for court. Ronees lawyer approached us. We found out that had we not shown up the judge would have granted what Ronee wanted (the 4 hours supervised a few times a month) which is funny because when justin called Diane (Ronees mother) she boasted how she wouldn't let Ronee take Marek away if justin couldn't make it and wouldn't let Ronee do the supervised visits because she knew he was a good dad. BULLSHIT lol. He also specifically asked us to not talk to her about what we wanted in the visitation plan because when we did she would call him crying about how she didnt want Justin apart of anything…. HE TOLD US HE DIDNT WANT TO DEAL WITH HER BS TOO! Eventually we hired a cheap lawyer who we were told wasn't the best but at this point her lawyer won't communicate with Justin even though he was representing himself and we needed someone who could file these documents when we couldn't. We had to explain to the GAL that justin hadn't seen his son in over a year and we had to show him the texts we had from a prepaid phone to Ronee where she REFUSED to let Justin talk to his son for unknown reason (jk we all know why) and he ordered that we get him that day and would start an every other weekend schedule until things got worked out with the courts. She sent her mother to bring hsia son that day and this woman has the audacity to tell Justin that this all could have been avoided.

But I think one of the most important pieces of information I can give you is that Justin has tried to pay her support for the last 9mo-12mo after he had to quite the job where his money was being garnished. We have the venmo receipts after it took her 5 months to finally agree to accept payment from, then he was laid off for 3 months per his work contract which we also have on file and he sent her about ⅓ of what he was ordered to pay (he had no job and he sent her most of the spending money he got that I budgeted for each of us from my paychecks) about half way through his lay off he asked her something about how he thought it would be a good idea if she reported the CS payments every 6 months to the CS office. It would have been free but she was the only one who could do it. It wasn't even a demand but a suggestion that could have been talked about, we legitimately thought we had finally rounded a curve and we all could start co parenting together, but apparently he wasn't aloud to give her suggestions because she blocked him on venmo, went off on him on talking parents (the app she forced him into using despite the fact that shes in contempt of court for doing that) and specifically told him she would never report the money. We also have snips of that convo if you guys want it. Justin hasnt talked to his son in about 6 months. The few times he “has” it doesnt sound like a 9 yo and its demeaning things that Ronee herself has said in the past. About a month ago he got a call from Marek and was actually getting somewhere after he started to explain things to him. He even told his son about how in June he was parked in front of his house to get him for his 2 week summer vacation and Ronee hadnt let him get him and his son told him in a very said voice that he never knew that. Then the line went dead. Ronee texted from his sons phone saying this isn't the time to talk about that and hes been blocked ever since.

TLDR; Ronee Halsey (candle-jacked) is abusing her power as a co parent with my fiance and abusing their child through parental abuse.

P.S. I know I will receive backlash from her closest friends who think they know the story and thats ok because I cant sit here for one more minute while she gets away with this(I will block you though). I would be more than happy to supply everyone with any and all evidence I have.

P.P.S OMG I almost forgot the worst part. Ronee decided one day she was going to accuse Justin of abusing their son. I knew it was going to end up happening (i grew up with a dad who had a high conflict ex wife) so every single time we picked up and dropped off their son i would discretely ask him to pose for pictures either by himself or with me or his dad. Not even Justin knew I was doing this but thank the lord I did. Because Ronee Halsey crossed that line you should never cross and accused someone of actual physical child abuse. But because shes a mother in the state of MO nothing came of it. Despite the pictures I sent to her lawyer and the GAL he supposedly met with their son and he came to the conclusion that he did infact have a black eye and busted lip but he got it while wrestling his dad. DESPITE THE FACT THAT MY PICTURES OF HIM WITHIN MINUTES OF GETTING IN AND OUT OF M Y CAR FOR THAT WEEKEND SHOWED HE DIDNT HAVE A SINGLE MARK ON HIM. The saddest part is that when I recorded the conversation Justin had with Marek the next weekend he told Justin that he never saw or felt pain from them, he said his mother told him they weren't the kind he could see. I will gladly send snips from those emails to you guys.

@chewybitart @notlemha @karygurl @sushichan24 @eagleoverlord @thementalwayfarer @angelsdoexist @saltwaterhermit @candle-jacked

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samwinchesterisourhero · 6 years ago

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Sam WInchester: The Reluctant Hero

When we wonder in frustration, as to why Sam seems to suffer more than Dean does, instead of being angry at a narative bias, or assuming the show runners hate Sam, take into consideration that Sam and Dean, though equally heroic, are different types of heros Dean is a willing hero. He has been proud of his job as a hunter since he was young, even if sometimes he was bored with it, or would have liked to persue a career as a machanic. From what we see in flash backs, Dean was boasting “Im a hero!” since high school, where Sam just wanted to be like every other kid. Sam’s first choice in life is not to be a hero. Not directly anyway. He was studying to become a lawyer. Azazel said he was becoming a Tax Attorney, but Dean saw him as a Criminal Justice Attorney in What is and What Should Never Be, which I think is more fitting for Sam. The indirect hero that would get justice for the victims. He would make a wonderful psycholigist also. Dean would be a very good cop, or soldier, or first responder. This is not to say Sam wouldnt run into a burning building to save a family, he most certainly would, but his interests seem to lie mostly in long term after care. So for Sam to be in the front line with Dean, is something he does because its the right thing, not because it’s his chosen life path (early life anyway. he has stated in his later life that he did chose this life for himself) and this makes him a reluctant hero. The problem with that though, is that in literature, the reluctant hero always suffers the most.

Its no argument that Dean suffers too. Both brothers have broken my heart on many occasions, but Sam’s suffering over any event, stretches far past the season he suffers it in. This is so we, the viewers, have an idea as to how much of a hardship Sam is willing to endure to save Dean and to save the world. Sam and Dean both willingly went to Hell, but their experiences were greatly different, and unfolded on the show wildly unbalanced. Dean sold his soul for Sam, so Sam would live. He didnt want to go to Hell, but he did it willingly. in Dream a Little Dream, Dean said to his dream self, that he didnt deserve to go to Hell, and even though he made the choice on his own, I think we all feel like it’s a horrible punishment for a guy who just wanted his little brother to live. I know I hoped they could find a way to get him out of the deal, but unfortunately, he didnt. He stayed in Hell for 4 months, or 40 hell years. He was tortured by Alistair for 30 years until he became a torturer himself. Cas raised him out of Hell, completely whole, even old scars were gone, but we didnt know for a while that the memories were haunting him. How did we find out? Because he told Sam. He tearfully confessed to Sam on more than one occasion, what happened, what he did, what it felt like at the time and how it was hurting him then. What came of it is that he got to confront his torturer, and even though he couldnt kill him himelf, Sam killed him for him. Dean got justice. Sam on the other hand, also willingly went to Hell to save the world, but he felt like he was mainly at fault for breaking the world in the first place, when it was expressed that it wasn’t only him, and he was completely unknowingly breaking it when he did. He obviously didnt want to go to Hell, but he felt it was the right thing to do. What he got for that though, was his soul in Hell, canonically, for 1.5 years, 180 Hell years. He was torured by Lucifer himself in the most brutal ways imaginable. Cas raised his body, soon after he went to the pit, but we arent given an exact amount of time, whether it be an hour or so, or a few weeks, we just know he was physically out for the majority of the year, but I can’t imagine 10 minutes in the cage with Lucifer is a picnic. However, he came back incomplete, without his soul, which endured unimaginable torture. If that’s not enough, while soulless, Sam did things he wasn’t proud of when he got his soul back, and suffered with this, Once he got his memories of Hell back, a whole new level of suffering began. How was this handled? To our knowledge, he never told anyone the details of his Hell tour. All we know about it, was shown in flash backs and hallucinations, that ended up driving Sam insane. Sam was “fixed” by Cas, by simply shifting the pain to himself, not by Sam talking about it, or confronting his torturer, or anyone killing Lucifer. Sam didnt get justice in any sense, and he still carries all of this with him. He has even had to work along side Lucifer to try to stop Amara. No one even brought this up, even though Sam had very recently been back to the cage and had to face Lucifer and the trauma all over again. Season 13 and still Sam hasn’t been given justice or seen closure when Dean’s was answered in only a few episodes. How can we not see the imballance? Well, when we look at it as Sam is the long suffering Reluctant Hero, suck as it may, it makes more sense. It plays into the narrative that the pain piles on Sam, and Sam stuffs it down. We ourselves may forget this happens, if the show itself didn’t bring it up. The case of Tracy Bell for example. A girl that pops up out of nowhere in 9x2 for no reason than to remind Sam that he let Lucifer out and people got killed. I know a bunch of you blame the writers of the episode for that, as though they hate Sam or Jared, but that was part of the Gardreel story. Something that the producers must have told the writers they wanted. “Bring something painful up from Sam’s past, so that when he feels good at the end of the episode, we can be reminded that theres an Angel healing him from the inside” is probably close to what was said in the meeting. We the viewers need to be reminded that Sam never lets things go, at the same time as he never really speaks of them either. It took 13 seasons, but Dean confirms for us in 13x4 that Sam doesnt admit things or it makes them real, and then he has to deal with it. Sam even confirms it himself in 12X3 when he says he knows Mom is burying herself in hunting instead of dealing, through years of personal experience. Now that we understand this is part of Sam’s character, we can better understand why we dont get to see his emotional POV very often, and his traumas rarely get worked out. The differences between Sam being the reluctant hero, and Dean being the willing hero, manifest in many ways. Dean gets very antsy if its been a few days that they havent had a hunt to go on. Sam however, is content to stay home researching. Their short time of trying to live a domestic life with their girlfriends shows reluctant vs willing also. While Sam was with Amelia, he had nothing to do with hunting except reading the news paper and believing other hunters were taking care of things. He refused to tell Amelia about that part of his life. Dean didnt hunt, but he kept it at arms reach. He kept devils traps in the door ways, a rosary in water under the bed and a gun nearby, and he let Lisa know all about that part of his life, and even tried to live it and maintain a life with her. Dean is the kind of guy who will show you every scar and tell you the details of how he got it, while Sam will hide his scars. Dean suffers when innocent life is lost, but he holds on to the fact that he’s saved more people than he’s hurt and it can help him make it day to day. Sam feels like he failed if he didnt save someone. This is precicely why Sam suffers the burdens of his wrongs for years, and Dean doesnt. Dean did a lot of crap while he had the MoC but he hasnt had to visibly suffer from it after the fact. Sam however, is reminded of his poor choices for seasons after the fact. Now since its not a matter of Sam goes to jail for things and Dean doesn’t, we only need to realize its part of maintaining a character trait for us, so we dont forget that Sam never forgives himself and suffers for years over what he considers failures. Now, this willingness vs reluctance shows in their relationship also. Im not going to try to prove one loves the other more, because I am convinced that Dean is #1 in Sam’s world and Sam is #1 in Dean’s world and they love each other as much as any two people can love each other (to steal from the mouth of JP) they both take care of each other, and neither had to be told to do so. Even when Sam was too little to actually take care of Dean, he still did the best he could by wanting to be with him, and giving him gifts. Dean didnt have to learn 100 ways to make mac and cheese, he did it because he wanted to make Sam happy. That being said, lets move on… Sam’s reluctance in their relationship, isnt that he loves Dean less, or doesn’t want to protect him, but his biggest fear is letting Dean down. He can save Dean’s life a million times but considers himself a failure if he let Dean down. Dean’s biggest fear however is Sam dying. He can let Sam down, he can piss him off, but if Sam isnt alive and well, Dean considers himself a failure. When Sam assumed Dean was dead in S8 and didnt look for him, he was going on a promise that he wouldnt look for him. Since we didnt get enough insight to Sam’s state of mind at the time, Im going to assume that Sam was crushed that Dean was dead, but for himself, it was more important, that he didnt let him down by breaking that promise. He saw how angry Dean was when Dean thought he made a deal that raised him from Hell, so he “knew” Dean would be disappointed if Sam looked for him now. Dean however, needs Sam to be alive, so he will risk Sam being disappointed and possibly hating him, as long as he’s alive. So now in S11 its brought up again, that Sam didnt look for Dean in Purgatory, and Sam hadnt forgiven himself for it, its not the writers hating Sam/Jared, its showing us that Sam still hasnt gotten over letting Dean down. He’s a long suffering character, and doesnt see that he was justified in his actions, but instead blames himself for inaction. This fits right into Sam not finding a Win in a case where he couldnt save everyone. He knows he helps more people than he hurts, but the fact that he hurts people at all outweighs the good in his eyes. There will be a time Im sure, and hopefully soon, given the events of the last 2 seasons, that Sam may collapse under all this weight. Maybe he will have some time to voice how badly things hurt him. But if he doesnt. try not to write it off as no one caring about his character, but understand his character feels like a burden if he unloads to people, even, and especially to Dean, who Im sure he believes has enough burden on his shoulders, without Sam sharing his. So try to be patient my friends. This would come out differently if it was a written story. The writer would be able to show us inside Sam’s head easier than they can this way. The only way into Sam’s head is through someone vocalizing it. If Sam does, then we dont see him burying things, if someone else does, it sometimes looks like hes being picked on for no reason…. but there is a good reason. It’s to keep his character consistant as the longsuffering reluctant hero. By @missjackil

#Sam Winchester #Letters #supernatural #Sam Winchester is our hero #missjackil #submission

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I was in an car accident. I was in the right hand side of the parking lot and I was backing out of my parking space. I was in the middle of the parking lot, and a guy pulling out of his parking space on the left hand side of the parking lot. While I was in the middle of the parking lot, the guy back his car into mine (In a hurry). After this accident happened, this guy admitted that he hit me and the accident was his fault. The police showed up and we told our stories and he admit to the police that the accident was his fault and it was on the police report. After the accident, we went our separate ways. I talked to my insurance company and they told me that since the guy that hit me admitted that he caused the accident, I had to take it up with the guy's insurance company. I called the insurance adjuster from the other insurance company and gave my statement and he told me that he viewed the accident as both our faults and would not pay me to have my car fixed. And I told him that his client admitted to the accident and he said it didn't matter. I would have to go to my insurance company to have my car fixed. I have arbitration. Also, the adjuster said that I can go through arbitration. I don't know what to do. What can I do about it?""

Insurance to drive in Florida?

I am 18 and live in Florida. I don't have my drivers license because my parents say I have to have a job to pay for insurance..Ive been looking for a job for a while now but no one seems to be hiring in my area. I know my parents will pay for my insurance if it was cheaper..right now its around $200. I read that if you're driving someone else's vehicle then you don't need insurance as long as the owner of the vehicle has insurance..can someone please explain this to me? Will I be able to drive without insurance?

""Why do questions say cheap car insurance and affordable health insurance, not cheap health & affordable car?""

Questions about finding inexpensive car insurance usually refer to it as cheap . Questions about finding inexpensive health insurance usually refer to it as affordable . I do not recall ever seeing a question refer to affordable car insurance, and only rarely to cheap health insurance. Why is this? Why do car insurance questions use the word cheap and health insurance questions use the word affordable , and not the other way around? Is it just tradition, like saying Merry Christmas and Happy New Year , but never saying Happy Christmas and Merry New Year ? Is it because the law has the word affordable in its title, causing that word to be associated with health insurance? Is it because most of the questions are from someone who is trying to manipulate search results by causing searches for cheap car insurance and affordable health insurance to come to this website? Is it because car insurance questions usually come from users under 25 years old and questions about getting health insurance usually come from older users (health insurance questions from users under 25 usually have to do with saying on their parents' insurance and/or using their parents' insurance)?""

What are car insurance groups?

Im a provisional driver and ive seen a 2004 Vauxhall Corsa...it says the insurance is Group 3. So what exactly does that mean? And is that good considering it will be my first car that i will be driving around for quite a while? :)

Can I drive in the USA on UK car insurance?

We are taking our vehicle to the USA and travelling around for up to 12 months, can we use UK car insurance or do we have to insure the vehicle when we get to the States?""

Affordable Health Insuance that includes maternity coverage?

My husband just started a new job that offers NO benefits until he moves up in the company which could take over a year to happen or even longer, and I only work part time. I am ...show more""

Will my grandfathers insurance go up if I was using the car?

My grandfather let me use his car for work one day (I have no car of my own) and I got a ticket. I went to court today for it, the gave me one point on my license. Will this effect his insurance even though its not my car and I am not on the policy? Or will it only effect my insurance when I get a car of my own?""

Motorcycle Insurance?

Does anyone know of a good/inexpensive insurance company that will insure motorcycles in Grand Prairie, Texas.? I am 18 years old and I can't even imagine what the cost of insurance would be for me. Any suggestions would be great. Thanks.""

Quote for Motorcycle insurance for a Teenager?

I am 19 years old and I live in California. I have liability car insurance and I am on my dads policy. I am planning on getting a 250cc cruiser bike [probably a Honda Rebel (I dont know what year yet)]. I took a motorcycle safety course as well. How much do you think I will be looking at for motorcycle insurance added to my car insurance policy under these circumstances.

Car Insurance Renewal?

I currently have a 8 years no claims bonus and I am due to renew my car insurance at the end of this month. The quote is 520. However as the current value of my car is about 900-1000 and I only do about 3000 miles a year, I dont think its worth insuring this car for this year and plan to get rid of it. I plan to get a newer car next year or the year after. If I dont renew my car insurance this year and say there was a gap of 1 year or 2 between renewals, would I lose all of the benefit of my 8 years no claims? Would i have to start from 0 years no claims again? Any body help? Cheers!""

""Will an unpaid emergency room bill keep me from being able to buy health insurance, OR hurt my credit rating?

I have an emergency room bill which I have not yet paid and I'm wondering if it will keep me from being able to buy a health insurance policy and if the unpaid bill hurts my ...show more

Can my Health Insurance cover for my Car Insurance?

I currently have AmeriChoice as my health Insurance and High Point as my car Insurance. Does anybody know how this works? I've some people say that they have their car ins. with their health ins. and they end up paying less $$ for their car Ins. Help!

What's the cheapest business auto insurance company?

There are different business auto insurance companies, I've heard Erie insurance is one of the best ones, do you know of any other companies that might be better or similar? thanks""

How much would it cost for a 50cc scooter to insure?

I dont want l plates anymore i think its 50-100 lol , and how much would it cost to fully insure it and the test aswell. Im 19""

Texas insurance companies offering insurance on rent-houses?

Where can I find a list of all the property insurance companies that offer insurance on rental property in texas?

Are you supposed to have car insurance at 15?

i just thought of this just now and i remember having to pay for auto insurance at 15 just for a school permit for school and back and i hear some people dont have insurance was i right to pay for it or was i tricked because he says you have to be 16 and said he'll accidentally put that i am and say it was a mistake to the company, i think this is a trick but idk and again others dont pay for insurance but were they just too cheap to do it and risk the consinquence? or did i get tricked back then by my insurer""

Can i get auto insurance without a car?

Will my car insurance rate increase if my car is stolen and never recovered?

I also have GAP insurance.

How hard is it for police to verify that you REALLY do have car insurance?

With all the different companies that offer insurance, how would a police officer know if if the insurance card is a fake or not or if the policy number is real during a traffic stop?""

I have an insurance quote of 1300 for a punto 1.2 on a provisional licence?

if i take this quote what will happen when i get a full licence will it go up or down?

Car insurance rate for 24/m honda accord 03?

Just wondering if anyone could guesstimate a car insurance rate for me? I recently graduated college and just got my first job making 32,000 a year. I am thinking of buying a 2003 Honda Accord EX Coupe. I havent gotten a ticket or been in an accident, ill be commuting 20 min to work every other week (carpool) and i have ok/good credit (no co-signer required). Any guesses? Thanks!""

Moms how much did your insurance go up after having a baby?

Right now I have my insurance through work I pay around $200 just for me.. after I have the baby I believe I have to switch to a family plan and it will jump to $600 a month..does this sound right..is it reasonable? Thanks

Backtack on medical insurance for newborn?

Is it Normal for my job to backtrak and charge me premiums for my newborn if I didn't enroll her until about a month after she was born? She was on my wifes insurance up until I enrolled her but they took a lot out of one check. Spoke with the head of finance dept and tells me they still backtrack from when she's born even though she was on my wifes insurance

""Insurance Rates For '05-'09 Mustang GT, '02 WS6 Trans Am Ram Air And '02 Cadillac Eldorado?""

(thank you sooooo much for all answers to my previous question! It's a shame I couldn't shout thank you for pushing the vote button by mistake. I was a total noob here) As everyone recommended me to purchase a 4th gen Trans Am (hopefully the ram air of the final edition), with one person also picking the 05-09 Mustang GT out of my wishlist and my friend telling me to get a 92-02 Cadillac Eldorado, how much is the average of the insurance rates for each car? I'm 24, male, just graduated from college in Japan and have no driving history in America. I'm moving outta here in a year. My nationality is Japanese as well, which means I won't be trusted for a while. Sure my Japanese licence won't be valid in the US so I'll have to retake it over there hence no history... right? :/ Does anyone have a clue? Thanks a lot for reading :)""

Most affordable health insurance?

I know its going to be expensive regardless, I can't afford to go through my work's insurance (over $200 a month). Researching online for medical/dental coverage. Anyone know a good insurance to go through?""

markel boat insurance quote

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/can-anyone-tell-me-motor-insurance-card-systems-frank-reyes"

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ivyseavey · 7 years ago

Text

Mine (D.S.) Part 3

Warnings- none

Word Count- 1484

Tags- @samithepixie @loveherron23 @danieljames1998 @74limelight @imarshmanos @bree-the-cute-glitterpuff @whydontwejust123 @seaveystorm

Part one- https://beccagraceseavey.tumblr.com/post/175126139882/mine-ds-part-1

Part two- i dont have the link… just search “wdw imagines” in my blog filter. It’ll pull up.

Jessica’s PoV

“Alright! We’ve landed” I woke up to Dave’s loud voice. I lifted my head off of Daniel’s lap, and we got our luggage. We all thanked Dave and went to find our class. We were about 40 walking minutes away from jeddah, saudi arabia, according to Google Maps. When we finally got there, after hitchhiking, we ran into Ms. Hunt.

“I thought you missed the plane!” she says.

“We know a guy.” jonah says, with a chuckle.

“Well, don’t think you’re getting valedictorian after missing the plane.” She says to me. I just looked down, and sighed. Daniel put his arm around me.

“Anyway, your guys’ hotel room is number 9270.” She said, pointing at the hotel behind her. “Also, we’re flying back tomorrow at 7 am.” She said, and walked away. We went and dropped our stuff off at the hotel, and went to get lunch. When we got there, we were waiting behind my friends I hadn’t seen in a week.

“Abigail, Lilly, Abby, Jada, and Jaylei!” I said, a little to loud.

“Jessica! No way! We heard you got left behind!” Jada said.

“Their manager flew us here in a private jet!” i said.

“Spill the hot goss!” Jaylei said, seeing Daniel’s and my fingers intertwined.

“We’re dating!” I said, causing him to look over at us.

“Hi I’m Daniel, her boyfriend.” He said putting his free hand out for the girls to shake. The girls shook his hand, staring at him in awe.

“Do you guys want to sit with us?” Abigail offered. I looked back at the boys. They shrugged their shoulders.

“Why not?” Jonah said.

“How many?” Asked the waiter.

“Ten.” Abby said. The waiter led us to a round table with menus and silverware. Daniel was on my left, and Lilly was on my right. The girls were freaking out that I was dating one of the most popular boys, and they were sitting with the rest.

Daniel’s PoV

I was glad to meet Jessica’s friends, but I could tell there was tension between Jess and someone at the table. I just didn’t know who. She looked really uncomfortable. I kept observing the other girls, trying to see who looked like it. Abby. it had to be Abby. She was death staring Jessica, but i didn’t know why. Jessica looked up, and Abby mouthed something, but I couldn’t understand it. She looked really mad. Jessica mouthed “I’m Sorry.” Was Abby jealous of me and Jess? I had to know for sure what was going on.

“Jessica?” I said.

“Yes?” She responded.

“Can we talk?”

“Why now?” She asked.

“Jessica. Meet me outside.” I said, sternly.

“Yes sir.” She said, rolling her eyes. I walked outside, and she followed.

Jessica’s PoV

“First of all, don’t roll your eyes at me.” He said, with a serious look on his face. Embarrassed he called me out, I looked away. I now had two people mad at me. Daniel and Abby.

“Yes sir.” I said, fiddling with my hands. It got quite for a few seconds, and he asked,

“Are you gonna tell me what’s going on?”

“What are you talking about?” I said.

“Don’t play dumb, Jessica. We both know what’s going on! If you’re not gonna tell me, maybe I should ask Abby!” He said. I could tell he knew Abby was jealous. He was testing me.

“Well you know she wants us to not be together! You’re acting like you don’t want u to be together either! How about you go date her?!” I said, by this point yelling. I started to walk away.

“Jessica, wait!” He called out for me. I ignored him and walked back inside the restaurant. I was in fumes. I went and sat back at the table, not wanting anyone to talk to me. Daniel came a few seconds later.

“We ordered for you guys.” Corbyn said, trying to break the silence. The whole rest of the lunch, Daniel and I didn’t say a word to each other. We were walking out of the restaurant, when Zach suggested, we all go take a walk at the beach.

“Sounds fun!” everyone agreed.

“I’m going to go back to the room. You guys have fun.” I said, not wanting to talk to Daniel. “Daniel, have fun with you-know-who.” I added. He just dropped his jaw. Everybody else looked so confused. I turned around and walked back to the hotel. When I got inside, I sat against the wall, pulled my legs in, and rested my head on my knees. I cried for about two minutes, when I heard the door open. I didn’t bother looking up.

“Jessica, I’m sorry I got angry.” It was Daniel.

“Go away.” I said, Sniffing.

“I’m not going anywhere until you forgive me. I’m not going to let you go over something stupid like that.” He said, squatting in front of me. I then lifted my head up.

“Jessica, are you crying?” He asked. I then started to cry even more, and nodding.

“Abby and I have both liked you for like 2 years, and we never argued about it because we knew we would never have a chance with you. Now she hates me.” I said, standing up. He then stood up, too, wrapping his arms around me. “I’m sorry I got mad at you. You didn’t do anything wrong. I was mad at Abby and I took it out on you.” I continued.

“It’s okay, baby. That’s what I’m here for.” he said. We stood there for a few minutes. “How about we watch some netflix?” he said, unlocking his phone. We then sat on the bed and watched Netflix.

4 Hours later

“Do you want to see where the boys are at? We could meet up for dinner.” I said.

“Sure. I’ll text them” Daniel replied.

(on group chat)

DS- Hey where are you guys?

CB- Still at the beach with the girls. Zach and Paige have been non stop flirting lmbo

DS- HAHA no way. Do you guys want to meet up for dinner?

CB- Sure

JM- Where?

DS- I don’t care. Wherever you want.

ZH- How about that restaurant in front of the hotel?

DS- Works for us :)

JA- Speaking of ‘us’ did you and Jessica settle your dispute?

DS- Of course :)

CB- Then what have you been doing for the past 5 hours?? ;)

DS- Nothing! Netflix and chill

CB- More like “Netflix and making Chilldren”

DS- Grow up xD

Daniel told me what was going on, and then we went to the restaurant. I wanted to fix things between Abby and I, so I asked her if we could talk. We walked to the bathroom, and she looked really annoyed.

“What do you want now? You already have the man of our dreams!” She yelled

“Abby, please. It all happened so fast. We agreed that if one of us ever got him, we would be happy for the other. What changed to make you hate me?” I said, trying to calm her down.

“First of all, ‘It all happened so fast’ is a bullcrap excuse. Every person on Earth uses that when the mess up. Second of all, we never said that!”

“Abby, I don’t want to have drama. You know I hate it. Maybe just quitting our friendship would be better.”

“What?! You know what, Fine.” She said.

“Sorry! I just don’t want to be friends with someone that can’t be happy for me.” I said and I walked out. The rest of dinner went great. Except that Abby didn’t talk to me.

4 Months later

I graduated last month!! Ms. Hunt said that since I went through the trouble of catching up with the class in Saudi Arabia, I deserved Valedictorian. So, I got it! Abby texted me later that week.

A- Hey, Jess. I want you to know that you and Daniel all worked out for the better. Caleb Shelton asked me out last night. I want to apologize for acting the way I did. I know that we probably won’t see each other for a while, since we’re out of school, but I want you to know this; I forgive you. Please forgive me, even though it may be hard.

J- Of course I will forgive you! I’m also happy for you and Caleb! <3

“Was that Abby?” Daniel asked. We were at the Why Don’t We house playing truth or dare with the boys.

“It was” I said with a smile.

“Everything okay?” He asked.

“Of course.” I said smiling.

“Good.” He said, kissing my forehead.

A/N- this is the last “Mine.” If you have ANY imagine requests, just hmu! I love writing, i just don’t have many ideas :))

#why dont we #wdw imagine #daniel seavey #daniel seavey imagine

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missjackil · 7 years ago

Text

Sam Winchester: The Reluctant Hero

Its no argument that Dean suffers too. Both brothers have broken my heart on many occasions, but Sam’s suffering over any event, stretches far past the season he suffers it in. This is so we, the viewers, have an idea as to how much of a hardship Sam is willing to endure to save Dean and to save the world. Sam and Dean both willingly went to Hell, but their experiences were greatly different, and unfolded on the show wildly unbalanced. Dean sold his soul for Sam, so Sam would live. He didnt want to go to Hell, but he did it willingly. in Dream a Little Dream, Dean said to his dream self, that he didnt deserve to go to Hell, and even though he made the choice on his own, I think we all feel like it’s a horrible punishment for a guy who just wanted his little brother to live. I know I hoped they could find a way to get him out of the deal, but unfortunately, he didnt. He stayed in Hell for 4 months, or 40 hell years. He was tortured by Alistair for 30 years until he became a torturer himself. Cas raised him out of Hell, completely whole, even old scars were gone, but we didnt know for a while that the memories were haunting him. How did we find out? Because he told Sam. He tearfully confessed to Sam on more than one occasion, what happened, what he did, what it felt like at the time and how it was hurting him then. What came of it is that he got to confront his torturer, and even though he couldnt kill him himelf, Sam killed him for him. Dean got justice. Sam on the other hand, also willingly went to Hell to save the world, but he felt like he was mainly at fault for breaking the world in the first place, when it was expressed that it wasn’t only him, and he was completely unknowingly breaking it when he did. He obviously didnt want to go to Hell, but he felt it was the right thing to do. What he got for that though, was his soul in Hell, canonically, for 1.5 years, 180 Hell years. He was torured by Lucifer himself in the most brutal ways imaginable. Cas raised his body, soon after he went to the pit, but we arent given an exact amount of time, whether it be an hour or so, or a few weeks, we just know he was physically out for the majority of the year, but I can’t imagine 10 minutes in the cage with Lucifer is a picnic. However, he came back incomplete, without his soul, which endured unimaginable torture. If that’s not enough, while soulless, Sam did things he wasn’t proud of when he got his soul back, and suffered with this, Once he got his memories of Hell back, a whole new level of suffering began. How was this handled? To our knowledge, he never told anyone the details of his Hell tour. All we know about it, was shown in flash backs and hallucinations, that ended up driving Sam insane. Sam was “fixed” by Cas, by simply shifting the pain to himself, not by Sam talking about it, or confronting his torturer, or anyone killing Lucifer. Sam didnt get justice in any sense, and he still carries all of this with him. He has even had to work along side Lucifer to try to stop Amara. No one even brought this up, even though Sam had very recently been back to the cage and had to face Lucifer and the trauma all over again. Season 13 and still Sam hasn’t been given justice or seen closure when Dean’s was answered in only a few episodes. How can we not see the imballance? Well, when we look at it as Sam is the long suffering Reluctant Hero, suck as it may, it makes more sense. It plays into the narrative that the pain piles on Sam, and Sam stuffs it down. We ourselves may forget this happens, if the show itself didn’t bring it up. The case of Tracy Bell for example. A girl that pops up out of nowhere in 9x2 for no reason than to remind Sam that he let Lucifer out and people got killed. I know a bunch of you blame the writers of the episode for that, as though they hate Sam or Jared, but that was part of the Gardreel story. Something that the producers must have told the writers they wanted. “Bring something painful up from Sam’s past, so that when he feels good at the end of the episode, we can be reminded that theres an Angel healing him from the inside” is probably close to what was said in the meeting. We the viewers need to be reminded that Sam never lets things go, at the same time as he never really speaks of them either. It took 13 seasons, but Dean confirms for us in 13x4 that Sam doesnt admit things or it makes them real, and then he has to deal with it. Sam even confirms it himself in 12X3 when he says he knows Mom is burying herself in hunting instead of dealing, through years of personal experience. Now that we understand this is part of Sam’s character, we can better understand why we dont get to see his emotional POV very often, and his traumas rarely get worked out. The differences between Sam being the reluctant hero, and Dean being the willing hero, manifest in many ways. Dean gets very antsy if its been a few days that they havent had a hunt to go on. Sam however, is content to stay home researching. Their short time of trying to live a domestic life with their girlfriends shows reluctant vs willing also. While Sam was with Amelia, he had nothing to do with hunting except reading the news paper and believing other hunters were taking care of things. He refused to tell Amelia about that part of his life. Dean didnt hunt, but he kept it at arms reach. He kept devils traps in the door ways, a rosary in water under the bed and a gun nearby, and he let Lisa know all about that part of his life, and even tried to live it and maintain a life with her. Dean is the kind of guy who will show you every scar and tell you the details of how he got it, while Sam will hide his scars. Dean suffers when innocent life is lost, but he holds on to the fact that he’s saved more people than he’s hurt and it can help him make it day to day. Sam feels like he failed if he didnt save someone. This is precicely why Sam suffers the burdens of his wrongs for years, and Dean doesnt. Dean did a lot of crap while he had the MoC but he hasnt had to visibly suffer from it after the fact. Sam however, is reminded of his poor choices for seasons after the fact. Now since its not a matter of Sam goes to jail for things and Dean doesn’t, we only need to realize its part of maintaining a character trait for us, so we dont forget that Sam never forgives himself and suffers for years over what he considers failures. Now, this willingness vs reluctance shows in their relationship also. Im not going to try to prove one loves the other more, because I am convinced that Dean is #1 in Sam’s world and Sam is #1 in Dean’s world and they love each other as much as any two people can love each other (to steal from the mouth of JP) they both take care of each other, and neither had to be told to do so. Even when Sam was too little to actually take care of Dean, he still did the best he could by wanting to be with him, and giving him gifts. Dean didnt have to learn 100 ways to make mac and cheese, he did it because he wanted to make Sam happy. That being said, lets move on... Sam’s reluctance in their relationship, isnt that he loves Dean less, or doesn’t want to protect him, but his biggest fear is letting Dean down. He can save Dean’s life a million times but considers himself a failure if he let Dean down. Dean’s biggest fear however is Sam dying. He can let Sam down, he can piss him off, but if Sam isnt alive and well, Dean considers himself a failure. When Sam assumed Dean was dead in S8 and didnt look for him, he was going on a promise that he wouldnt look for him. Since we didnt get enough insight to Sam’s state of mind at the time, Im going to assume that Sam was crushed that Dean was dead, but for himself, it was more important, that he didnt let him down by breaking that promise. He saw how angry Dean was when Dean thought he made a deal that raised him from Hell, so he “knew” Dean would be disappointed if Sam looked for him now. Dean however, needs Sam to be alive, so he will risk Sam being disappointed and possibly hating him, as long as he’s alive. So now in S11 its brought up again, that Sam didnt look for Dean in Purgatory, and Sam hadnt forgiven himself for it, its not the writers hating Sam/Jared, its showing us that Sam still hasnt gotten over letting Dean down. He’s a long suffering character, and doesnt see that he was justified in his actions, but instead blames himself for inaction. This fits right into Sam not finding a Win in a case where he couldnt save everyone. He knows he helps more people than he hurts, but the fact that he hurts people at all outweighs the good in his eyes. There will be a time Im sure, and hopefully soon, given the events of the last 2 seasons, that Sam may collapse under all this weight. Maybe he will have some time to voice how badly things hurt him. But if he doesnt. try not to write it off as no one caring about his character, but understand his character feels like a burden if he unloads to people, even, and especially to Dean, who Im sure he believes has enough burden on his shoulders, without Sam sharing his. So try to be patient my friends. This would come out differently if it was a written story. The writer would be able to show us inside Sam’s head easier than they can this way. The only way into Sam’s head is through someone vocalizing it. If Sam does, then we dont see him burying things, if someone else does, it sometimes looks like hes being picked on for no reason.... but there is a good reason. It’s to keep his character consistant as the longsuffering reluctant hero.

#Sam Meta #reluctant hero #sam winchester

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survivor-mesopotamia · 4 years ago

Text

Ep. #2 - “Shit ain’t over till the fat lady sings and I didn’t warm my pipes.” (Cameron)

Day 4: Well. I survived my first tribal council of the season, and even though it went exactly according to plan, while I slept my entire day away, I'm still really hesitant to tell myself that I'm doing well on my tribe. I'm really nervous that my tribe mates are playing me, and that I'm really boo boo tha fool here. I called Megan post-tribal, and I was finally able to get some closure on something that happened between us in our personal lives, which felt really good. After that, she asked me about the idol, to which I had responded "Wait, Julian didn't tell you?", which hopefully sows some seeds of doubt in Megan about Julian. Ideally, if the Enlil tribe has to go back to tribal council, the four of us can bear witness to a Megan vs. Julian war. Because unfortunately, the connections I have outside Enlil, are shared with either Julian or Megan. If Megan and Julian are going after each other pre-merge, or during a swap scenario, I don't have to share those connections anymore. After that, Megan and I just talked about the nudes we received during quarantine ~ I then promptly ran to Will to tell him about the potential crack I just formed between Julian and Megan, which was met with genuine excitement. I think I'm really gaining Will's trust, and I think we vibe so well together. Love that guy! Overall, it wasn't a very productive day because I woke up at 4:30p PST. Love that for me, thanks for shading me @ Tribal Bodhi.

going into this scavenger hunt as the tribe that went to tribal last is worrysome. It's a challenge that's fully dependent on our activity, so we are at a serious disadvantage against the other two tribes that get to choose someone less active to sit out. We don't have that luxury. The point/life system eases the blow, however, since we can get less active players 1 life while more active players can get 3. In case we lose, I'm trying to connect with everyone on the tribe. I really don't want to vote anyone out though. I have an alliance with Julian and JJ, and one with Will on the side. Chrissa wants to work with Julian, JJ and myself, and I think Megan and JJ have something on the side. I'm nervous for who would be the target in the vote, and any vote would hurt all of our games collectively. Hopefully we win because the next vote will not be easy AT ALL.

Done w typing this sheet

youtube

jj and zachary are so fucking annoying to this challenge and if i vote for you first at the swap, its probably because youre typing too much during this challenge sorry not sorry xoxo - sincerely johnny a month from now

let me be clear with andrew I was not calling his hosting unfair i was calling the fact that a majority green item giving him a point unfair not the hosting but lack of yellow, also i have a headache i don't feel that good. and I just don't think zach should have had a point for it nothing against hosting obviously i watch a movie trivia thing where literally they have a challenge to challenge any questions that are unfair, that doesn't mean they are calling the question writers or the answer writers unfair.

Zach just won the tribal challenge for us which is fantastic. We can maintain the illusion of a unified tribe longer, which keeps us together in a swap situation, and Zach has clearly painted a challenge target on himself over the last two challenges which will make him go before me if our Triforce ever becomes the minority. I'm really happy with my position in the game right now

youtube

me and monty trying to find the idol and decode this annoying ass video https://imgur.com/a/lu7sbMu

Forgive me father for I have sinned it's been approximately three days since my last confession so far can't complain really we be winning they hating we be riding pretty damn clean I've got a majoritu alliance I didn't start so odds of it falling around me and being the first voted out slim to none thank the sweet baby jesis and all that good shit. Oh well that's all for now

JULIAN’S HOST CHAT GUEST, ZEE:

I am filling in a confessional because you told me to. I am in front of my fan because it's hot. I'm thinking that it seems pretty stupid to ask me for a confessional. Julian's prod chat isn't very interesting because he's distracted.

youtube

also just threw out madison's name to johnny. if this shit backfires on me ill be ):

https://youtu.be/Pqck1gayfJU

https://youtu.be/FMay7NycsPw

yo yo yo homies!!! fuck the scavenger hunt and the mobile Skype app !! Lowkey scared but I think I’m close with everyone on the tribe except madi soooooooooo that’s probably who will go tonight. I’ve connected a lot with Monty and am hoping we can work together closely moving forward 💕not sure how useful my relationship with Zach is going to be come swap/merge bc it seems like he’s ALREADY making himself a target like the big doof he is. More later 💋

https://youtu.be/Qg47yupj1bQ

https://youtu.be/vUK8A1qWVoA

Hello tumblr survivor world! Sorry I didnt confess for episode 1, I was going to but i accidentally exited out of the page when i almost finished writing it. Anyways, it was just a cast assessment for my tribe so tl;dr everyone on my tribe is great and its really sad that we have to vote someone out now. So this whole weekend I was away so I was REALLY worried that I would be voted out since I sat out of the challenge. But after talking to Johnny and Isabelle, it seems like Madison will be voted out tonight. Which is so bad bc this her first game in a year, but hey it's our first vote and it's not me so it's not really the time to make a stand. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Okay I took a break from writing this confessional and there's moreeeeeeeee so part 2 I guess. So I had a call with Johnny and we came up with an alliance of me, him, Isabelle, and Benji. What an iconic alliance, right? But also while Johnny and I talked we got onto the topic of idols and why it is that there hasn't been an idol post yet. I brought up that wayyyyyy back when in Malaysia and some other games around that time, some of the idol hunts were less clear cut. We ended up looking at the blog and clicking the "idol system" tab and it brought us to some weird crab video with audio that sounds like a pokemon cry? Idk part of me thinks its just a joke but I also have to consider that it might be SOMETHING. It said remember to like and subscribe so I sent a screenshot of me liking and subscribing to see if that would do anything but nope. Johnny said he'd do some thinking about it and get back to me later if he figures something out. Also tribal seems super clear cut so I'm a bit less worried now but y'know how it is I can't not worry about tribal.

i just spent $8 on a spectogram and STILL cant find this fucking idol im gonna kms... monty im sorry im steam rolling ahead looking for this thing without telling you, but thank you for the first clue xoxo... if i get stumped in the future ill reach out for SURE (but idt you trust me that much so this seems kinda valid to me) ((FOUR HOURS LATER: i told monty lololol)) ALSO FOR FUCKS SAKE I think madison is gonna go, and truthfully, im fine with it because it's the easiest thing to do due to her poor performance in the past few challenges and just being the least AROUND the tribe, but i know that it'd probably be better for me long term to get rid of abby because i just dont see her as a long term ally for me. i think she's close to JJ and Megan on the other tribe, and she's becoming much more acclimated to the tumblr survivor community that i just BET that she maybe has an additional connection on the rookie tribe. If I can attempt to break that up before we get to a swap, I think that's what im going to have to do figure out if we lose another challenge before a swap... i dont really want to see ANYBODY else go besides abby if im thinking about a second boot. i bet it wont be easy to take her out tho also, if madison goes, this is like...... lowkey vindication for game changers???? last night i talked about this with monty and i was like hmmmm "is it ugly to bring up past game history?" and his response was "not if it's within the same series" .... so. vindication

---

omg i just told madison how to find the idol system thing i hope she doesnt tell anyone i told her about it LMAO........ this almost seems too easy.i got added to two alliances today. why do i not feel safe? is it me going? WTF IS GOING ON

excited to be first boot because no one will TALK TO ME!

Things haven’t changed much since my last confessional! As far as I know the tribe hasn’t started into alliances and we’re all riding some excitement at having so far avoided tribal. I think the rest of the tribe and I are all feeling good and just focusing on making the tribe switch without losing any members.

from round 2 https://youtu.be/fk002uG2HoI

Hi sorry I forgot to do a confessional this round so this will be short imma just say a few things 1. I don’t trust julian one bit he can stop being shady to me 2. I can’t believe we aren’t going to tribal I’m so fkn happy i was able to pull out the win for our tribe because I didn’t want to lose anybody else 3. I love and adore will with all of my being and he’s my number 1 ally right now 4. I find it highly doubtful that there’s only one idol in this game and that you can’t find it until merge but that’s as far as I can get in the idol search for now so I guess there’s nothing I can do about it 5. I’m still having fun can’t wait to fuck up another flash game yay!!!

My Purple edit is amazing right now. But having played more games than most of these newbies, I have decided to take on the role of teacher and becoming more of a "role model" for these newbies. I feel like I have the closest bond with Zach, and I need to get a little closer with Collin. I have Grace from past games, and then there are the others who I do not really have any strong bonds with at the moment. I guess I need to start going to them more and show that I want to work with them.

https://youtu.be/yhwXzqrTcsA Confessional 2 for round 2

https://youtu.be/TVnpwqc8XLY

Madison voted out 6-1

#nomorethings

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sippinhoneylemon · 5 years ago

Text

racism in america

Like many people in the world, I have struggled to piece together the right words to put out on social media. But i’ve come to the conclusion that there may never be the perfect words to express how I feel about this matter.

So if I say something that you don’t agree with, dm me or contact me and I am here to listen to you. I am here to learn from what is happening in the world right now and I promise I will learn and listen with an open mind and heart.

The reason why i’ve been so hesitant on saying something on social media is because we live in a world that is quick to judge. But now i’m aware that it’s okay if people judge. As long as I know in my heart that what I believe in is right.

I have a couple things to address so i’m not sure how long this post will be but i’m assuming it’ll be quite long. So please bear with me.

1. All lives matter. But black lives matter most right now.

First, i’ll admit that i’ve struggled with grasping onto the fact that people were disagreeing with the fact that “all lives matter.” I thought... I know black lives matter. But aren’t black lives included in all lives?

The truth is... black lives are included in all lives. But many people don’t see that. This post by Casey Ho brought a lot of light to me and helped me understand this so much more.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Cassey Ho (@blogilates) on Jun 4, 2020 at 7:00am PDT

instagram

In this short video, Casey shows that a). yes. All lives DO MATTER. But b). BLACK LIVES MATTER MOST RIGHT NOW.

No one said that all lives don’t matter. They do. But not all lives have a history of slavery and are still mistreated till this day in America. Black lives aren’t treated as “all lives” right now. Even though they deserve so much more than what they’re going through. I will never understand what a black person has to endure everyday living with racism but it breaks my heart hearing stories and seeing videos of their abuse.

If my family were abused like that, I would tear the world apart to get justice for them. And black lives are family and they deserve every bit of justice for how they have been mistreated.

2. White supremacy doesn’t only mean white people.

As someone who is neither white or black, I’ve been confused for a while about where I stand in this movement. And then an old friend of mine posted this on her story.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by 𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖆 🥭 (@decolonialbulaklak) on Jun 8, 2020 at 2:27pm PDT

instagram

I think it is so important for people who are like me, neither white or asian to know this: white supremacy and racism are not just caused by white people.

You’re hands ARE NOT CLEAN just because you don’t stand on either side of the scale of white supremacy and black lives.

This post shows evidence of supremacy in asian americans in the past. It shows that anyone can be racist regardless of their race.

3. Because people aren’t posting BLM on social media, doesn’t make them racist.

I have seen so many people (ranging from girls my age to older men) who have been harassed and threatened because people thought they were racist from not posting BLM on their social media platform.

I’d like to share this post with you. Written by a very well thought out black man.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Steven Bartlett (@steven) on Jun 3, 2020 at 12:18pm PDT

instagram

Many people have their own way of sharing their opinions. I think it’s best if we try and respect that.

While it is not right to be racist, it is also not right to throw death threats toward 16 year old girls on social media because they aren’t as vocal about BLM on their platform.

People can be vocal is so many other ways other than social media.

While social media can be a great platform for education people, many people are also intimidated by it and the power it holds. Let them find their own way of supporting the movement other than social media.

I’ve also seen influencers with money (such as Robert Downey Jr) being abused by people because of his wealth.

He posted for blackouttuesday and many people commented on his post telling him to open up his wallet and give his money away because he has the money.

We have to remember that EVERYONE IS HUMAN. RDJ is not less or more human than we are. He IS NOT a bank or a machine.

Even if he has donated, he wouldn’t want to flaunt it to everybody. If he went around telling people he donated $2M to the BLM movement, people would still judge him regardless, saying he’s being too cocky or prideful.

Like i’ve said, this world is too quick to judge. People say that if people are neutral in this situation or remain silent about it, they are automatically labeled as racist.

Let’s stop putting a label on everything.

Sometimes we need to hear other people’s side of their story before we judge them. We’re all human. We judge people. Yes, it happens.

Let’s just take a breath before we’re too quick to assume things about people.

If someone is silent or neutral in this situation, then EDUCATE THEM. DONT ASSUME they’re being racist. Just because someone is silent doesn’t mean they’re not listening.

Sometimes people are silent because they’re trying to listen. Because it’s easier for them to listen when they’re silent. Don’t be too quick to assume things about people when you don’t know the full story.

4. Not all people are bad.

I feel like more of this needs to be expressed on social media.

Even though what those cops did to George Floyd was so incredibly evil and wrong, we have to hold on to the fact that not every single cop in this wold is like them.

Here’s a video of policemen and the sheriff joining in peaceful protests:

This video is SO POWERFUL.

This shows that if policemen and other are willing to listen to what black people have to say, then we can all build a common strength to come closer to the goal we have in common — to stop racism and supremacy all together in America.

Throughout this month, I have only seen two posts on social media about policemen joining peaceful protests. The one above and one about policemen in Miami.

Looting and burning buildings is not necessary if policemen and the government give people a chance and listen to what they have to say.

5. Mistreatment of black lives IS NOT okay.

The abuse and torment George Floyd and so many other had to go through is in no way okay. Nobody should ever have to go through that.

Unfortunately, I was not able to find the post. But earlier today, I came across a video of a black woman protesting and talking about how black people were asked to learn languages such as French, Italian, Spanish, Chinese, and so many more languages and they complied. But no one ever learned the language of black people and hence black people were called “stupid” and so many other vulgar names.

Black people are not in any way less educated than the rest of America is.

If in anyway, they are MORE EDUCATED. Because of the history and suffering they have personally gone through.

Think about yourself first and what you’ve gone through compared to what someone else has gone through first, before calling them names.

No, it is not fair that black people complied when they were asked to learn so many languages that were not their own but now that they’re asking for people to just listen to them, they have to struggle to get their voice out.

We need to LISTEN to them. It’s really not that hard.

You don’t have to protest to listen. You can do it right now as your surfing the web or social media.

Black people have listened to us for centries. And now, this once, they’re asking for us to listen to them.

So let’s listen to them.

6. Listen.

Listen with an open heart and mind. Be prepared to learn.

It’s not the end, if you have been blinded with racism or white supremacy.

But just know that the blind CANNOT lead the blind. The blind can only be led by someone else. Someone who can see and be their eyes.

Black people have experienced so much racism and abuse. And they don’t deserve it.

Let them guide us towards their voices and what they are saying.

Alma 12:10:

10 And therefore, he that will harden his heart, the same receiveth the lesser portion of the word; and he that will not harden his heart, to him is given the greater portion of the word, until it is given unto him to know the mysteries of God until he know them in full.

Please. Open your eyes. Let the lives who have experienced it teach you.

I want all black lives to know that I fully 100% stand by you and your voice. I want you to teach me, to educate me. I’m here to listen and i’m here if anyone needs anything.

I hope that one day, in this lifetime, we will be able to see a world that is together in unity and purpose. I hope that soon, one day, this country will come together and acknowledge the wrongs of racism and instead, come together and listen.

✊✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿

#blacklivesmatter

x selina

#blm #blacklivesmatter #racisim #america #white supremism #asian supremism #blog #quarantine #personal #journal #Instagram

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thisnerdsadventures · 5 years ago

Text

how operating systems went for me

the beginning

In the beginning, there was doubt. And fear. But mostly doubt, because I “sort of” knew C, and I could /kind of/ figure out page tables, and I took the prereq for the class, so it shouldn’t be that bad? Well, I was expecting it to be bad, but absolutely nothing worse than 046 right? because that was known to be the worst of CS at this school, so nothing could be worse than that....right?

Wrong. WRONG! First class I was like, ah you know, i know Linux. I’ve OPENED A FILE BEFORE. I know what a FILE DESCRIPTOR IS. (wrong. i truly did not know what a file descriptor was, in all of its essence.) If you read my Admissions post, you’d know that my life was in the process of being truly wrecked by my paper revisions, so I wasn’t able to start on the first lab until the weekend, and it took me around an hour to do the first exercise, which was really one solid line of code, and I was like well ok, there’s only like five exercises, shouldn’t be too bad.

WRONG AGAIN! the last exercise will forever be engraved in my brain as xargs because it took me and my friend K a solid TEN HOURS. to do the last exercise. JUST THE LAST ONE. It was the first time in maybe like a year I went to an office hours. I had never spent so long thinking about recursion in my life. I have really vivid memories of sitting at the rooftop garden with K at the poolside chairs near the Marriott staring back at the googz office, tear streaming down my face, as I thought ahead about whether I should drop the class early. (ok it wasn’t this dramatic, but I was definitely staring longingly at the coffee baristas through the window.)

And after we finished the lab, we thought, oh maybe this is just a poor learning curve. Maybe it gets better from here.

the crisis begins

*say it with me this time* WROOOOONG - we really thought the next lab would be better because it seemed like the last exercise of the last lab, but slightly expanded. but L o L! we had spent a solid five hours with no progress up until like 3am, when I lied in bed in the dark and panic emailed my advisor, asking to meet the next day. There is a calendar event in my calendar called Cry to John (john’s my advisor). I spent perhaps the entire next day up until my meeting at 4pm working on the lab, making a bit more progress after going to office hours. During my meeting, I relayed how hard the class had been so far, and whether I should drop it to the undergrad version of the class, and it got to the point where I was just like “but its just. SO HARD” and he replied “....it’s a grad class dude”

After I returned home, I consulted my head of house and he also suggested I either drop the class or drop it to the undergrad version. I really was like “lol my dude, I’m already only on 42 units, I can’t really just drop this class. it’s already like two and a half weeks into the semester.” So I ended up dropping it to undergrad status.

A few more late nights pulled because I *surprise* have OTHER CLASSES other than this one, and I still ended up staying up til nearly 3am the night before career fair finishing up the lab. A total of more than 20 hours spent on this lab, and I thought, maybe just maybe this would be the hardest lab.

And the next lab wasn’t too bad. I had spent a solid 12 hours on it, but got it done pretty efficiently. Unfortunately, it was still the time in the semester where I was doing like 1923819238 things and catching up with 1928319238 people, so it felt overwhelming, but wasn’t /that/ bad. so i thought things were turning up! I also met up with my old googz team at around this point and told them that it was a hell class, and they relayed their sympathies.

lazy_alloc

So was it in fact, getting better? WRONGGGGGG. the next lab was perhaps the WORST LAB OF THE ENTIRE CLASS. By this point, we had hit the first week of october, and I had deleted instagram off my phone in an attempt to better focus on classes. due to other things happening, like various house gov events, an 18.06 exam, and another pset, I was only able to put in around 6 hours of office hours time on this lab before Wednesday night, where K and I quickly realized that this shit was no joke, unlike the last lab. We had also met our other friend at office hours who would become the third member of our group chat kalloc==0 (iykyk), and we befriended her after including her in our sarcastic comments about lazy allocation. It was maybe four hours into an all-nighter that we went to Verdes, realized Verdes was closed, and proceeded to sit on the floor of the student center and yell about how hard this class was.

It was then like 5am, and I decided to sleep and wake up in the morning to look at it again. It was then 8:30 am, and then it was 12pm, and then it was 4pm, and I had mandatory class. My friend passed me in Stata and asked how i was, and i replied “look at me. LOOK AT ME”

It was then 6pm. I had spent 20 hours of the past 24 hours doing this lab. and the most extraordinary thing happened -- I got the OK. I cried. I weeped. I texted my friends and let them know I was alive. And I slept for a long time.

exam szn

Ok truly, things could not get that much worse after this right? WRONGGGGGG. the first exam was just around the corner! After maybe a week of rest, I started the grind, a painful realization that I knew nothing, I did not truly know what a page table was, I had no idea how a system call worked, and the throwing shit at the wall style of doing the labs was indeed going to catch up with me. It was the long weekend, but I was still studying 4-6 hours a day on top of everything else I was doing, and many nights in the student center were spent in sadness. I barely remember anything from this caffeine/adrenaline fueled week. And I got a whopping 40% on the exam! yay me

All I remember after the exam was crying from shock in Stata after the exam because it was so hard, eating too much at hot pot and nearly throwing up in the Uber, and almost punching a hole in the ceiling because I was so happy that my score was not single digits. I was actually so tired after a week of studying nonstop that I had to S^3 one of my other psets because I legitimately could not think nor read. My friend was then like why dont you just yeet to new york for a break, and i was like who in the right mind would do that??? and then i yeeted to new york (as you can read about in another post of mine). Truly an amazing decision because I really needed a break from that craziness. After that, the learning curve did chill a little. My life though? no, I went to Princeton for a hackathon, stayed up all night doing stuff for our party, and then managed to finish the very last lab of the class right before Thanksgiving break.

the finish line

This brings us to the last week of the semester, where I thank my lucky stars I dropped to the undergrad version of the class, because I watched K suffer through a whole week of all nighters for the final project, in which I definitely would have straight up had a mental breakdown, because that week was still somehow one of the worst weeks of the semester for me (two poster sessions, exam, two week pset). But luckily I was straight up j chilling until the final because i had finished the last lab before break.

obviously, this takes us to last week, which was our finals week, where I spent 40-50 hours over the course of a week just studying for this exam, which features a day where I had done a midterm from 9am-12pm and then proceeded to study from 2pm to 2am for this operating systems class, and I had had three cups of coffee, which I don’t strongly recommend as a life decision. But after much strife and anxiety, I had mustered out a 60/76 on the final exam, which I thought was a solid B, but much to my shock and my other friend’s delight (she checked my class grade for me), I actually somehow got an A after this shit of a class, despite not knowing how to use a pointer 3 months ago, despite trying to survive against grad students, despite having to pour 18239128983x energy into understanding lectures??? somehow. anyways, now i am absolutely sure I have gone through the worst thing you could ever go through in this school. if anything turns out to be harder than this, i’m pretty sure it’s not worth it lol

#m #it is truly amazing people follow this blog

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chickenfetus · 7 years ago

Note

all moongan

thank you for asking falen tbh i love u sm and i love doing these

omg is this ask for this ask meme i literally almost posted this along with the wrong ask fml

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

more cereal than mik because.. i dont eat cereal with milk……… i love the crunch

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

as someone who lives in a tropical country is that what its called idk we dont have seasons and it never gets lower than 25 degrees so yes that would be ideal

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

hrmmmmm… i just remember the page number?? or try to lmao if i dont remember i just skim through the pages and try to recognise where i left off

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

with at least 2 packets of sugar tbh…. i dont drink coffee

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

omg story time i went 2 get my braces removed and the dentist wanted to take pics so he was like “smile with your teeth!” and i was like ok! but then he kept saying i wasnt doing it right lmao… guess whos never smiled b4… (me) so he told me 2 practice my smile lol i didnt answer the qn but ya,,, i am probably

6: do you keep plants?

i used 2 be very against plants… now theyre okay i guess i dont rly keep any

7: do you name your plants?

refer 2 6

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

art??? i havent drawn in awhile

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

no LOL

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

on my side!!!! i cant sleep on my back bc i gotta hug smth.. and my stomach is out of the qn

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

🅱️… and .. same brainwaves…. poor mans ____…. this is all from the shady hq im so sorry my other pals

12: what’s your favorite planet?

the moon for no real reason

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

hMMm, watching astro and mx perform??? and just being shady with bell lmao

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

this… question,,,..so im thinking of a bright place with white walls and translucent curtains so the light call fill the (living) room perfectly and everythings really ??? sunny and shit idk its warm… the floor’s made of (fake?) wood and theres a small kitchen bc i cant cook and idk if my friend would be able to lol.. theres 2 bed rooms both are painfully small but it works.. theres one other room with a closet for clothes… the bathroom is just a shower, sink and toilet… theres no washing machine rip and ?? thats about it poor mens life

i watchd the like we used mv again and i realized ...... that is literally where i got this imagery from thanks the rose i love a relatable band

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

heres a fact (?) from me first: it rains diamonds on one planet ?? mecury maybe?? mars??? whomst.. this isnt even a fact its ,me trying to recall shit

ok real fact: There are thousands of other planets out there. sorry lads this website doesnt wanna have fun

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

is spaghetti bolognese a pasta dish

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

im chill with my current hair colour??? bc its brown sometimes idk shitty hair

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

i asked my irl friends (group name: panic support group) and this is what they said

K: everything

E: when u were one hour late (i dont remember this happening but i do know im always late but never for an hour past me wyd)

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

goDD i dont but i sure want to

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

this is strange but every eye colour is my favourite although ppl with two or more colours in their eyes are so cool

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

its just my school bag lmao i got it 4 years ago and i take it everywhere even if the event is “small” and they ask us to bring “smaller bags” ill bring my big ass school bag anyway it looks like this (i dont have to but linking stuff is so fun)

22: are you a morning person?

technically.???its the holidays but i still manage to get up before 10 (most of the time) and … even if i have like 5 hours of sleep i manage to feel awake really easily????

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

tf i just use my phone lmao this is what ive been doing for like a month now… i could watch every vlive i havent watched yet, i could make video compilations i could practice my art but… even though im out of school im still procrastinating.. legends only

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

mmmm falens the closest to that

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

my classroom

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

white converse?? i have 2 get new ones every like 2 years since theyre also my school shoes and break easily….. other than those i have my blueblack converse too (i dont wear them as much so theyre still in one piece)

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

i dont eat bubblegum bc im always afraid ill swallow it and die and im p sure its illegal here

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset but i dont look outside enough for either

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

hm……… with jen its when she sends me asks on anon despite it being super obvious like im not a Fan when my friends send me asks on anon bc sometimes i cant tell and i get a sense of false hope but w/ jen its okay but i know its her

with bell its when they reply to my keyboard smashes with their own keyboard smashes lmao and when they just??//?? say smth cute abt their faves (lately its been sanha thank u sh)

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

ya lmao when i have 2 sleep alone and its completely dark i have half a mind 2 believe some random supernatural being is out for me

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

hmM. socks are great i always wear them bc i wear shoes almost every time i go outside… i dont have any weird socks bc im Boring but i have 3 pkmn songs and 1 gudetama socks/.. bUT I DID buy my friend those socks with individual toe pockets… it was so funny when my other friend saw it she choked on her drink and almost spat it out. we laughed so hard we hit our heads against each other i love friendship.. i have 2 wear white socks for sch bc… aesthetic? god if i know lmao….. i only ever wear ankle socks bc….. socks any higher than that? cancelled.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

listen ive never stayed up later than like 1am ok maybe 2am??? but i was working on like a project that was due the next day for school with my groupmates (friends) so does that count lmao

33: what’s your fave pastry?

bread………. sugar donuts…….. i am Aware that thats not how u spell it but wtv

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

why does this ask so many qns in 1 qn……. i had a cat?? it had pink stripes and it didnt have a name bc i dont name my stuff… even my pokemon.. and yeah i still have it except its in a big dusty bag where all my other toys are kept

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

i kinda have to use stationary for school so ya.. p often is correct… pretty pens??? i dont rly see the point whoopS!!! in exams u can only use black or blue so

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

im listening 2 day6 so like day6

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

my room isnt even my room i just go there to sleep .. the place im always at is like a study area except its open?? so everyone can see me lol and . its not messy?? if u look at it from far but the shit on the desk and shelves are so fucking messy god i need to pack those

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

aLRIGHT LADS welcome 2 megans ted talk

(skip this if ur not fond of drama)

so something (refer to the song he said suits myday) happened with jae recently and ive seen fans trying to defend him by @ing him and saying that they love him which is fine - great even! but what i dont approve is how everyone’s basically forgotten about the whole matter because they had concerts so instead of @-ing him and asking him to explain himself, they tell him what a great concert it was which is also great bc their concerts are honestly amazing. basically my pet peeve is when ppl dismiss the problematic action of some people just bc they like them.

another thing is that there were some fans who started guilting others for wanting to drop day6 completely because of what jae did and in my opinion i think it is totally cool to want to drop a group if they did smth bad like??? its ur life???? u can choose who you want to like. what is not cool is pulling out all the good things the person has ever done in their entire life and try to remind others about the positive sides of the person. yes. they’re an encouraging person, etc. but that does not cancel out the bad things they’ve done until they explain/apologise. what is infuriating is just the manner some people took it?? they literally went ahead and tweeted shit like “would your parents drop you if you did smth wrong?” and “you’re seriously gonna drop someone whos been nothing been nice because of one incident?” yes. people will and you dont have any fucking right to stop them? so dont go pulling out receipts.

another thing. its also okay to want to stan the whole group even if someone has done smth problematic. like? to me youre cool if youre able to see and acknowledge the bad shit someone has done and still stand by their side while educating them at the same time its nice to have faith in your idols. however, i wont say much when your idols dont respond and/or respond in a way that shows absolutely no remorse. its cool if you want to support them too, despite that.

tldr; dont fucking excuse someone’s behaviour/action just because youre so far up their fucking ass. dont pull out shit from before either, be it good or bad. and lastly, its okay to want to drop/continue supporting them, its your life.

i just wanted to talk about this tbh,, it was nice to see a few mydays trying to urge jae to explain the whole situation but seeing as he still hasnt and couldve it really irks me :-/

okay update its been a day and i havent really thought about this but im kinda conflicted now bc jae still hasnt talked about the song and im probably just making a big deal out of smth that will never happen again but it really doesnt sit right with me knowing that jae recommended that song to his fans and said it suited mydays?? bc looking at the lyrics... i SURE hope not... idk i have neither forgiven or forgotten but he’s okay now.? i cant stay mad at someone for that long anyway ill never forgive him 4 it though lmao petty ppl only

another thing... jae’s still an amazing person to me with all the encouraging words he says to mydays but this one incident is just soOOOOO hrm and i did go off tangent with the question as usual lol

39: what color do you wear the most?

i wear a lot of colours tbh??? but bc its rly hot out ive just been wearing the same shirt every time i leave the house and its black so

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

i dont wear jewelry rip

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

challenger deep

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

hm,, ive only ever visited this coffee shop like more than once bc the girl i used 2 like showed it to me b4 like 2 years ago and it was nice i liked their mocha frappe and its cozy i guess??? sometimes i go there with friends to study/just eat but i havent gone in awhile.., its two stories and it has an open air sitting area too i prefer sitting inside bc the sun is a big no thanks.. the ceiling is kind of like?? going downward?? like the kind iin attics???? idk man it was nice

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

u cant see shit here sorry

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

cant relate

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

yea?? sometimes i just gotta bc my brain wont shut the fuck up

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

suddenly all of the puns i know have left my mind thanks @ me

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

vegetables

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

the dark and whats basically in it???? like ghosts zombies and shit u kno the scary shit

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

i like buying albums?? theres a CD in those so it counts lmao i bought sunrise by day6

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

boxes??? like containers????

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

boxy and letting go by day6

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

YOU KNOW I HAD TO DO IT TO THEM and oh worm

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

me: rocky.. ?????? from astro.. /?? no ive never heard of any of those and i saw the word horror so u wont hear abt those from me any time soon

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

i literally havent been outside for 2 days

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

be petty aka yesterday i changed my twitter icon from jae 2 brian bc jae’s being a child rn so hes out

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

when they ramble abt smth they like thanksk buds

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

is this the song from p!atd i have it in my playlist lmao oh i fucing hate this song i always skip it im not listening

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

idk what either of those are but bell and boxy

59: what’s your favorite myth?

idk any

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

anything that eunwoo has ever written

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

ive given eggs for karissa’s birthday b4 and i got a kermit its not stupid tho its just the closest thign i could think of

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

i drink water juice everyday every minute every hour

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

my books are all in shelves lads i just heard the fucking keys rattle im not doing this shit im logging off night

ok day 3 and im back like i said previously my books are on shelves i tried rearranging them by series b4 but my housekeeper rearrnaged them randomly the next day so i gave up

i make playlists for songs that i like, really like (i still skip them sometimes rip) and songs that my friend recommends me i have a seperate playlist for the songs i like in japanese 2

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

light blue?? like its actually p white bc its cloudy

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

m not rly

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

just. leaves maybe??

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

Horror Movie

68: what’s winter like where you live?

oh winter is fucking fantastic it never gets colder than 25 degrees celsius here and if it does rain it lasts for like 10 minutes

69: what are your favorite board games?

i used to rly like snake and ladders and monopoly :-o

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

im not ready for that kinda death

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

english breakfast or earl gray??? those r like the standard right

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

ya but i never do bc i either forget to or am just 2 lazy

73: what are some of your worst habits?

being lazy + procrastinating :-D

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

okie :-o ..

they’re great ok ive talked abt them like 10 times in the span of 2 months but whatever folks

they’re super nice, kind and just all of the positive adjectives out there in the dictionary ...... they’ve helped me multiple times and they’re always there 2 lend me a listening ear (or in our case, eye lmao) idk??? im just super comfortable around them always and im honestly so thankful we became mutuals (and subsequently friends) last year!!!! i cant say a lot bc ill just get v repetitive but overall they’re an awesome friend and im glad we still communicate daily via twitter and sometimes our skype sessions even if they’re kinda awkward bc i never know when 2 talk bc im scared ill speak and theyll say smth and itll turn into a MESS which actually happened lmao

im looking forward to the day our skype sessions become super smooth and easy going!!!

75: tell us about your pets!

i have none but id die for boxys cats

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

well yeah always tbh but its not smth i have to do but more like want to do im just 2 lazy to get around doing it

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

?? i almost said lemons arent pink but i Remembered...... yellow lemonade

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

i feel like this is an Attack? okay LISTEN so story time again.

on the flight back from japan i watched the alien covenant and i couldnt even get past the scene where the baby alien was gonna kill the poor guy who ended up being locked up with the infected dude as soon as i saw the blood and the alien emerge from the guy’s back i bolted lmao

so to calm myself down nd block that memory from my mind i went ahead and watched despicable me 3.. which HONESTLY im the worst critic ever but in my humble opinion.... the movie was good????????? idk i didnt watch minions the movie though i got lazy again whooopS!

anwyay i sidetracked but im neutral im not a fan but i wouldnt go out of my way to call minions annoying?? bc they really arent? i feel like its only seen that way bc of how people make posts abt how annoying minions are even tho.. they arent??

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

my memory hates me so every specific thing my friends have ever done for me has left my mind but .

the cutest thing? everything my friends do for me

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

theyre yellow and no i didnt theyve been there ever since i could remember

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

lava cake

82: are/were you good in school?

yeah i was good in school for like the first three years and this year i just flopped so badly lmao and its my important year too oh well my exams r over and i still dont have a backup plan in mind

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

all of dance gavin dance’s albums have awesome art

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

back when i was really into 5sos i thought of getting a tally since that was their logo at that time but now no not really unless i decide to get lance’s face tattooed onto my forehead on impulse

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

im keeping up with hq, bnha and tg manga!!!!

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

idk what those r but sure

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

big hero 6

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

who wrote this whats up with these questions

i googled and.. not really?? they all look nice

89: are you close to your parents?

close enough to stand being in the same room as them but not close enough to want to initiate conversations

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

tokyo was really cool (literally) and if i ever go again id love to go with friends so we can explore more??

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

japan was supposed to be the only plan for this year but my grandad passed away so i had to go to malaysia multiple times earlier this year ik this wasnt the qn but ive already went to the planned destination tm so

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

BARELY SPRINKLES A PINCH im anti cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

um. like?? i tie the sides of my hair that cover my face back??? bc i dont like hair in my face

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

bell

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

hopefully something useful

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

i also click remind me tomorrow lmao

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

infp-t, capricorn, hufflepuff (same as falen nd jen yay)

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

uh ive never been hiking and i dont plan on it sorry body

99: list some five (or id never shut up) songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

currently......

when you love someone - day6

like we used to - the rose

crazy sexy cool - astro

death of a strawberry - dance gavin dance

if it means a lot to you - a day to remember

idk if these actually “resonate to my soul” they just sound nice

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

oh worm.. i wouldnt miind either???

i know i have 2 choose but like

if i go back into the past i could be less annoying?? but the past has actually helped me be the way i am today and i think im learning to be a better person?? im definitely way better than how i was previously 5 years ago and im just grateful i was able to learn from my mistakes???

so i wouldnt go back to the past.

if its in the future i can see how ill end up and if its not good i might end up being able to change myself so i dont get my “bad end”..???? maybe or i can just see what happens in the future and i can look forward to it

itll also give me a chnace to have the most fun while i can if its not too nice

so my decision is to go to the future

thank you so much for asking falen god this got so long lmao

#if anybody read through all 100.. thank u and have a good day!!!#softshouyous #asks

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petitrangement · 7 years ago

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Hey, I'm not going to womansplain feminism to the readers of Esquire! That's not happening on my watch! You're sophisticated, 21st century men with a copy of the El Bulli cookbook, a timeless pair of investment brogues and a couple of Joni Mitchell albums — for when you want to sit in your leather armchair, and have a little, noble, necessary man-cry.

You don't need me lecturing you — because you're not hanging out the back of a bus shouting "CLUNGE!" at a bunch of terrified 15-year-old girls. You've got sisters, mothers, lovers — female friends and colleagues — and you've never once gone up to any of them shouting, "Blimey! You don't get many of those to the pahnd!" while honking on their breasts, in the manner of Sid James. You're down with the sisterhood. You've got eyes. You know what's going on out there. You've noted that while society's happy for a famous man to age, and become distinguished, and generally wander around looking like a fucking wizard, the women generally still seem to be 20 years younger, and standing there on the cover of magazines, all like, "Oh! My clothes… they fell off!" EVEN IF IT'S DAME JUDI DENCH.

You know the pay disparity; still 20 per cent less for women in this country, and not a single prosecution, even though it's literally illegal. You know babies come out of vaginas and it fucking stings, and that the vaginas are having a hard time anyway, what with all the waxing they get. (That's £20 a pop, my friend. Every single month. Just to feel normal. It's basically VAT on your minge. Imagine if you had to get your bum-hole stripped every 30 days — lest the mean girls at school corner you on the bus home and go, "I've heard you're like Catweazle down there. Someone who fingered you said it was like diddling a Gonk. Ugh.")

You've seen Amy Schumer's brilliant, edgy sketches on contraception and rape, and laughed along with them. You've called Donald Trump "a twat" for his sexist comments about a female news anchor being on her period. You've watched the whole Caitlyn Jenner trans thing unfold and gone, "You know what — this all seems fair enough. I am down with the trans thing."

So, no. I'm not going to womansplain feminism to you. It's the 21st century and you are, most assuredly, not a dick. You like women being equal to men — which is all that feminism means. Not all the penises being burned in a Penis Bonfire. Just women being equal to men. You are like my friend John, when he talks about dating alpha-women: "Feel intimidated by them? Christ, no. Dating and marrying powerful women is like big game hunting. I fuck tigers and panthers. Not… chihuahuas."

No. You get feminism. You don't need Tits McGee here to take you through it one more time. So, what I am going to do, instead, is tell you 12 things about women that women are usually too embarrassed to tell you themselves. Because I am a chronic over-sharer, and incapable of keeping secrets. I'm like that other Deep Throat. The chatty Watergate one. That's the Deep Throat I am.

1. No mumbling

Like you, we feel a bit embarrassed about saying the word "feminism". It's the same as when you say the word "environment". They both have that slight implication of, "I'm now going to launch into a speech that's basically about what a great person I am".

Unfortunately, in both cases, the entire future of the world does rest on people being able to say those words properly, and not mumbling "femernism", or "envibeoment".

You just have to shut yourself in a cupboard and say them over and over again — "FEMINISM! ENVIRONMENT! FEMINISM! ENVIRONMENT!" — until they feel as normal as saying "pina colada", or "Michael Fassbender". Which are both, when you think about it, much odder-sounding.

2. 'The Man'

So, when women talk about "The Man", we're not talking about you. You're just a man. You're not The Man. Similarly, when we talk about the patriarchy, that's not you, either. You're not the patriarchy. You're just… Patrick. When we're doing those "MEN!" chats, we're just identifying the general locus of the problem, ie, most of the power and influence being held by a small amount of men.

Because remember that patriarchy's bumming you as hard as it's bumming us. We're bulimic, objectified and under-promoted. You, meanwhile, are unable to talk about your feelings lest you get punched in the nuts by "a lad" telling you not to be "a bender". You are unlikely to get custody of your kids, and are three times more likely to commit suicide. Feminism's about sorting all this stuff out. Because it's about equality. Not burning the penises. I can't emphasise enough how much it's not about burning penises. No burnt penises here.

3. Periods

We're still pretty traumatised about our periods, even though we're now 40. Being a woman doesn't make "being a woman" any easier. All that womb-shit is nuts. It's like having an exploding, insane blood-bag of pain up in your business end — nothing really prepares you for when it all kicks off. One day, you're just a kid on your bike. The next, you're suddenly having to wedge a tiny Barbie mattress in your knickers, crying while you watch Bergerac, and eating Nurofen Plus like they're Tic Tacs.

Men, imagine if, some time around your 12th birthday, some manner of viscous liquid — let's say gravy — suddenly appeared in your pants, in the middle of a maths lesson. And then it turned up every month for the next 30 years. You'd be all like "NO!" and "WTF?!?!" and "SRSLY??? THIS????" That's what we're like, too. We're not wise, or in touch with nature, or down with it. We're just people with a whole load more laundry issues than you. Have you ever tried to scrub blood out of a Premier Inn sheet at 6am, using just travel shampoo and your toothbrush? It's one of the defining aspects of being a woman.

4. Abortion

Likewise, imagine accidentally getting pregnant at 16, then having to run past a barrage of anti-abortion protestors outside your local clinic, all holding up pictures of dead foetuses. We're not dealing with this in a special, noble lady-way. We're like, "THIS IS ALREADY A REALLY, REALLY SHIT DAY. I PRESUME YOUR CONCERN FOR THE WELFARE OF CHILDREN EXTENDS INTO A LIFE SPENT VOLUNTEERING IN CARE HOMES, FOSTERING AND DONATING YOUR WAGES TO THE NSPCC — AND DOESN'T SOLELY REST ON HARASSING AND ABUSING TEARFUL, POSSIBLY RAPED WOMEN WHO ARE TRYING TO GET A SAFE, LEGAL MEDICAL PROCEDURE SO THEY DON'T FUCK UP THE REST OF THEIR LIVES."

Here's another thing we're too embarrassed to say: we'd love it if a big bunch of pro-choice men turned up at these clinics, and helped escort the scared women in. That would be some top bro solidarity.

5. Talking

In the last year or so, we saw this study, from America, and it broke our hearts a bit, because it explains so much: in a mixed-gender group, when women talk 25 per cent of the time or less, it's seen as being "equally balanced". And if women talk 25–50 per cent of the time, they're seen as "dominating the conversation".

And we remembered all the times on social media, or in conversations, an angry man has said, "Women are WINNING now. Women are EVERYWHERE. It is MEN who are being silenced", and it all made sense.

6. Fear

We're scared. We don't want to mention it, because it's kind of a bummer, chat-wise, and we'd really like to talk about stuff that makes us happy, like look at our daughters — and we can't help but think, "Which one of us? And when?" We walk down the street at night with our keys clutched between our fingers, as a weapon. We move in packs — because it's safer. We talk to each other for hours on the phone — to share knowledge. But we don't want to go on about it to you, because that would be morbid. We just feel anxious. We're scared. Given the figures, we can't sometimes help but feel we're just… waiting for the bad thing to come. Because that would be a realistic thing to think, and we like to be prepared. Awfully, horribly, fearfully prepared.

7. Tired

We're tired. So, so tired. From the moment we grew our tits, we've been cat-called in the street; commented on by relatives ("Ooooh, she's big-boned"; "Well, you'll be a heart-breaker") as if we weren't standing there in front of them, hearing all this. We've seen our biggest female role-models and icons shamed in the press, over and over: computers hacked and nude pictures released; sex-tapes released. So we know even success, and money, will not protect us from the humiliation of simply being a woman. We know we must have our babies when we're young — the eggs are running out! — but we must also work for less money, as discussed above. So that makes us tired.

This is why, maybe, women can become suddenly furious — why online discussions about feminism suddenly ignite into rage. Tired, scared people are apt to lash out. Anger is just fear, brought to the boil.

8. Wanking

We masturbate as much as you do. One of the few times I have been personally offended was when Martin Amis commented on a column I wrote about female masturbation. "Christ," Amis said, "that's sort of lad's mag talk — sort of more male than male."

Obviously, I am noble enough to recognise that Amis is from an older generation — one whose women, by and large, did not feel comfortable discussing their sexuality in any great detail. But it does seem amazing that a clever, well-travelled man, whose job it is to examine the human condition, and who had a pretty steamy relationship with Germaine Greer at one point, has never realised that women can be just as driven by their desire as men.

I'm gonna be honest with you — for the first five years of my adult life, most of my decisions were made by the contents of my pants. My vagina was — by way of Audrey II in Little Shop Of Horrors — constantly shouting "Feed me!", and breaking into musical numbers when I was trying to listen to my brain instead. If I had not discovered masturbation, I would have spent the majority of my time sitting on shed roofs, like a cat on heat, yowling at the moon. If a young woman isn't to go mad, then masturbation is a needful hobby, as vital as going on long country walks, to get a bit of air in your lungs, and pursuing the revolution. And what a hobby it is! It doesn't cost anything, it doesn't make you fat, you can knock it off in five minutes flat if you think about Han Solo, or some monkeys "doing it" on an Attenborough documentary, and it means you can face the world with a kind of stoned, post-coital cheerfulness that would otherwise require Valium, or constant spa-breaks.

There's a reason why God designed our bodies so that, when we lie down in bed, our hands naturally come to rest on our genitals. It's the Lord's way of saying, "Go on, have a fiddle. Find out how you work. And then, when you go out into the world, you won't be waiting for some bloke to come along and have sex on you. You'll be in the sex, too. It'll be like this… joint endeavour? A thing you can do together? That was kind of how I planned it all along, TBH. So, my Eleventh Commandment is 'Thou Shalt Buff Your Fnuh.' That's official. Signed, God."

9. Clothes

You know when we stand in front of a full wardrobe and say, "I don't have anything to wear!"? Obviously we have things to wear. You can see all the shit from where you are standing, fully dressed, ready to leave the house. What we mean is, "I don't have anything to wear for who I need to be today." What women wear is incredibly important and not just because we live in a society with a $1.5 trillion fashion-industry, and spend most of our spare time looking at cut-price Marc Jacobs handbags on theoutnet.com.

As we are the half of the world that still doesn't get to say as much as men (see stats earlier), how we look works by way of our opening paragraph in any social setting. Think of all the different kinds of looks women can have, depending on their clothes, hair and make-up: "Slutty". "Ball-busting". "Mumsy". "Manic Pixie Dream Girl". "Gym-bunny". "Mutton". "Nerdy". "Unfuckable".

Now think of all the ways men can dress. It's basically "some trousers". Ninety per cent of what men wear is "some trousers". You're just getting up in the morning, putting on your trousers and getting on with stuff.

And we fret about all this — appearance, clothes — because it matters. If we're still getting talked-over at meetings, is it because we're not dressing powerfully enough? If we're getting sexually harassed, is it because we're wearing the wrong skirt? In 2008, a rape case was overturned because the judge decided the alleged victim must have consented to sex, because her jeans were "too tight" for the accused to remove on his own. This is what we're thinking about, when we stand in front of the wardrobe. Will this outfit define the rest of today? Will it, if I am very unlucky, affect my life? Is this going to be the subject of a court-case? Could I run for my life in these shoes? Do I have anything for who I need to be today?

10. Male feminists

We're embarrassed when other women say, "Men can't be feminists!" We don't want to get into an argument, but we just can't see the logic in it. Feminism can only work if men are feminists, too — because the only indice by which feminism will succeed is based on how many people believe in it, support it, and want it to happen. By definition, it has to be a populist movement. There's no point in only 27 per cent of people believing in equality because the maths, very obviously, show that you won't be equal if 73 per cent of people think you're not. You can't go and… hide the feminism in a special secret place, and only let certain people have access to it. Besides, as discussed above, men need feminism almost as badly as women do. So, lady-balls to "men can't be feminists". We disbelieve that. In our vaginas.

11. Carbs

Our ultimate aim, when it comes to men, is to find an amusing mate we can have sex with, then sit on the sofa with, watching re-runs of Seinfeld and eating a baked potato. Discount all that Christian Grey/abs of steel/"bad boy" shit. Our priorities are: 1) Kindness; 2) Jokes; 3) High tolerance of carbs.

12. Trainers

It actually was us that threw those horrible old trainers of yours away. That story about how a time-portal opened up, and they were stolen away by your own teenaged self? That was a lie.

Caitlin Moran's fee for this piece has been donated to Refuge, refuge.org.uk

This article was first published in 2016.

Moranifesto by Caitlin Moran is out now, published by Ebury Press, £20

#Caitlin Moran #esquire #articles #feminism

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oajpw5f3-blog · 5 years ago

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