#anyway love how its coming along
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making a personal save with gallery lots and this is soooo satisfying to me
#fox.txt#obvs wont be sharing the save#but im having a good time so far#i ascribe to the idea thaat#willow creek newcrest and magnolia promenade#are close together#so i gave them a nola french/ garden district look#with a few more modern buildings in newcrest#had a MISERABLE time finding suburban builds tho#some ppl on the gallery have opinions and i hate them#anyway love how its coming along
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lonely
[ID: A limited palette of green and pink, Vashwood comic. The first page serves as a prologue. The first panel shows Vash speaking to someone off screen while Wolfwood is lingering behind him. A black arrow is drawn pointing at him. In the second panel, Vash is buying donuts in the distance while Wolfwood is once again in view, lingering. and the black arrow is drawn pointing at him. In the third panel, Vash is leaving a cubicle and turning towards his right with a slightly peeved expression. He sees Wolfwood, leaning against the cubicle, waiting for him, and with the black arrow drawn, pointing at him, implicating the consistent hovering of Wolfwood’s presence during Vash’s everyday. At the bottom of the page, they’re drawn out of panel with Vash turning to Wolfwood and saying with an irritated expression, “You’re really following me everywhere, huh?” Wolfwood responds, “What, you got a problem?” Vash responds without hesitation, “Yeah, kinda...”
The second page starts with a new day. In the first panel, Vash is seen alone, weighing apples in his hands at a mart, with crowds passing behind him. In the second panel, he turns to his right and starts to say, “Hey, Wolfwood...” In the third panel, he’s startled from seeing a stranger, whom he’d accidentally called out to when he was expecting to see Wolfwood. He says, “Oh, you’re not him. Sorry!” In the fourth panel, the stranger walks off and Vash muses, “Right, he said he had something to do today...”
The third page begins with a close up of Vash's miffed expression, the continuation of Vash's thoughts, "Now that he's not here, this is just like how I used to be, but... It feels lonely somehow. Oh well, I'll see him again tonight, like always." In the second panel, it shows Vash walking through the marketplace crowd, alone. In the third panel, the door panel is a close up of the door opening with a peek of Vash's head. He says, "Wolfwood!" In the fourth panel, Vash is holding a bag of food with a bright smile and says, "Are you hungry? I got you something to eat today!"
The fourth page begins with a shot of the room, two beds being highlighted, one of them being made properly with the blanket draped over the bed and the other with the blanket folded and pillow sitting on top of it. There's no sign of Wolfwood. The second panel shows Vash with a disappointed look as he thinks, "He's still not here?" The third panel shows Vash putting the bag of food on the table. Stapled to the paper bag is the receipt with a written note "For Wolfwood." Vash's thoughts continue "He does like to stay out so, I guess there's no reason to worry..." The fourth panel shows Vash sitting his bed somberly with his thoughts continued, "It's not any of my business anyway..."
The fifth page starts with a close up his blank expression as he looks downwards, thinking, "Even if he left completely... That'd be understandable and better for him. I'll just travel alone again... like before... Huh?" The next panel shows Vash's composure break, tears welling up in his eyes suddenly, as he didn't expect to cry. He starts to sob, putting his hands to his face to quiet himself and wipe at his tears, as he says, "Ugh... Dammit... I miss h..." The last panel shows Vash leaning over into his hands, still crying, and in the back, the door swings wide open with a bam as Wolfwood walks through with the punisher swung behind him. He shouts, "SPIKEY! You in here?!"
The sixth page starts with Wolfwood confused, looking at Vash and Vash looks back, just as confused, with tears in his eyes and snot out of his nose. Wolfwood starts saying, "Ah? You..." No longer in panels, at the bottom of the page, Wolfwood takes the Punisher off of himself and starts to walk towards Vash, continuing with slight concern, "What's wrong with you? Did something happen?" Vash, hurriedly begins to wipe at his tears, denying immediately, "No! No, I'm fine! Nothing happened!"
The seventh page, Vash points towards the table, with a hand still wiping at his tears and he smiles as he says, "I uh got you food. On the table." Wolfwood looks towards to the table and responds, "Oh. I was getting hungry, thanks." He turns his head back to Vash immediately after with an uncertain expression, knowing the other wasn't responding to his concern, and says, "But, I know you're an idiot with this stuff, so I'm reminding you again. Don't brush it off if it's an issue, alright?"
The eight page, Vash's tears have dried and he looks to Wolfwood with a soft smile and responds, "Yeah. It's okay though..." A panel at the center shows a side view of Vash approaching Wolfwood. At the bottom of the page, with no panel, is a close up shot of Vash's hand, holding onto the edge of Wolfwood's jacket sleeve, as he says, "Because you're here now. Wolfwood."
The final page is a back shot of both of them standing next to each other, Wolfwood's head tilted slightly to the left, not fully believing Vash as he says, "That doesn't answer anything, Spikey." Vash responds, "There's no need to talk about it! You should enjoy your food. Let's have a drink too?" Wolfwood responds, "Tsk, tsk. Fine, yeah. I could use one." END ID]
#vashwood#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun#trigun maximum#but onto this comic... i think and talk a LOT about vash's loneliness bc trigun is just. kind of central on that for a good while! esp in#the original manga he was alone for a good portion of it and he tends to keep others away like how he ran away from meryl and milly when#they tried to tag along. and he was kind of bothered when he realized ww was following him around Too. at the core even though he loves#humans and he loves deeply the people he does know -- he isnt really much of a people person and i think thats been the case since he was#young considering his initial doubts towards humans... with the exception of kids bc kids dont give him moral conflicts. so suddenly#here comes wolfwood!!! his guide. someone TRULY affixed to him until he has to get to knives. someone who isnt budging and someone whos#really good at following him around and even seems like he goes like 5 steps ahead to make sure vash doesnt run on him#in one way its - i don't want you to follow me bc i don't want to burden you and i don't want you to kill the people i want to save.#in another way its - i like this companionship. i like waking up to you and i like ending the way with you. i like talking to someone who#knows my world. i like being in your space and sometimes i enjoy talking about our day#theyre just living together. like. roadtrip buddies or theyre also under the same roof because they're going everywhere together.#trimax they mainly spend their mornings together and if they had personal business attend the other person would usually know and itd only#be during the midday. anyway bc of this kind of companionship i figure that vash eventually grew accustom to it and he really. cant go back#to the kind of loneliness from before. it's harder to imagine and it'd be harder to withstand. esp after 2 years with lina and her grandma.#ruporas art
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this was supposed to be one drawing!! ONE DRAWING!!!!!!!!! but every time i draw them i can't stop i need to keep going
#i like how sun looks in these#im tryna play around with how i draw him in my style#he needs to be.... tastier#anyway it is a genuine problem with the dca#bc ill be drawing them#and then in the middle of drawing them#ill suddenly get like 10 more drawing ideas#its so fucking funny#funniest part is that i can go months without inspo but the MOMENT i start drawing them again. they are back to taking over my brain space#i love these guys#yknow its weird to think that before them i was waiting for YEARS for a fictional character to make me feel anything#and then they come along#and make me feel every emotions humanly possible on the spectrum#uhhh okay anyway#for those who read my tags i hope you enjoyed this rant#my art#security breach#sun fnaf#fnaf sun#sundrop#sundrop fnaf#sun x y/n#fnaf security breach
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these are A BIT OLD but uhhh here check out these aggio doodles i did forever ago. still VERY happy w my colors :3
#this was back in uhhhh jan 2023!! hot dog!! and its still perfeclty good to eat!#i think kian and chip would get along. they could talk about feelings. kian could give chip the therapy he needs. maybe kiss? who said that#jay and rand could also get along i think. smoke buddies. cigarette fans. i bet they could play dnd together. or build a contraption togeth#also WAUHG the way i colored in kira here is SO PERFECT.. SHES SO SPARKLY N PRETTY. ALSO THAT HOOORNN i remember bleeding for that#shading is HARD lighting is HARD drawing a crazy unicorn is HARD but SOOOO WORTH IT I SITLL LOVE HOW IT LOOKES.....#waht else is there. oh yes the prime defender doodles#i love mark so much.... i miss being crazy and strange abt mark winters... i need to draw him killing more people someday#anyway i gotta go to bed soon to keep my sleep schedul on track but I DONT WAANNA!!!! recently relistened to bitb. that might release spore#im also chippin away at that am i in heaven animatic between workin on commissions. I GOT RLY FAR!! i think that i could finish it within#like. 3 or 4 more inspo waves. it wont be unfinished forevcer..... its so close... just 4 more full scenes to rly fleshh out#so basically another 2 years. YEAH BABy. in the meantime i have a backlog of things i can poast. i got plenty o drawings and doodles to sha#alrigh thats all the ramblin im gonna do for now. sleep well everyone hope shool or work goes easy on u in the coming week
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I love how all of the companions' stories revolve around autonomy and I love how some of the romances show the whole "I love you for who you are"
Don't love how so many people are misinterpreting them though
#i think the romances thing really applies to wyll astarion and gale#wyll romance means you see beyond mizora and the half devil thing later#astarion romance means you see beyond the sexy facade and you prove to him that he doesnt need to perform for you to love him#gale romance is him getting over and understanding that mystra was never going to care about him like that#and that he doesnt need divinity to be loved#he's lovable as he is#anyway i feel my 'fuck mystra' feelings coming up again#bg3#baldur's gate 3#baldur's gate three#baldur's gate 3 spoilers#baldur's gate three spoilers#bg3 spoilers#i dont know if lae'zels romance works for this but i know that she figures out kindness along the way#i really hope they fix karlach's quest we're allowed to save everyone else#i saw someone compare her and gale and yeah sure it works#i tend to compare her and astarion more though#and its a little upsetting that karlach doesn't get the freedom she wants so hopefully larian patches that#astarion might not get the freedom to walk in the sun on the 'good ending' but he's free of cazador and he can finally choose for himself#and seeing as he's not dead and how he's been a vampire for around 196 years (not over 200 yet) there are still ways to help him#harder for karlach because either she dies and ashes are all thats left she goes back to avernus or shes a mind flayer#also its arguable easier to live in the shadows/underdark than it is in literal Hell#easier to reach him too
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Overhead, the stars shone clear and bright, and though Mala had only once appeared to him at dawn, on the foothills across this very city, though she might be little more than a strange, mighty being from another world, he offered up a prayer anyway.
Then, he had begged Mala to protect Aelin from Maeve when they entered Doranelle, to give her strength and guidance, and to let her walk out alive. Then, he had begged Mala to let him remain with Aelin, the woman he loved. The goddess had been little more than a sunbeam in the rising dawn, and yet he had felt her smile at him.
Tonight, with only the cold fire of the stars for company, he begged her once more.
A curl of wind sent his prayer drifting to those stars, to the waxing moon silvering the camp, the river, the mountains.
He had killed his way across the world; he had gone to war and back more times than he cared to remember. And despite it all, despite the rage and despair and ice he'd wrapped around his heart, he'd still found Aelin. Every horizon he'd gazed toward, unable and unwilling to rest during those centuries, every mountain and ocean he'd seen and wondered what lay beyond... It had been her. It had been Aelin, the silent call of the mating bond driving him, even when he could not feel it.
They'd walked this dark path together back to the light. He would not let the road end here.
#Chapter 23#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Rowan Whitethorn#Rowaelin#Essar#Mala#more starry quotes#lord of the north#I will find you#no spoilers pls 1st read to read along with me pt 4 of 4 perspectives more notes/quotes/reacts in tags; spoilers in both post & tags#They would not all go in all go out. — he won’t leave without Aelin… and probably Cairn dead#Ready to unleash hell when he sent a flare of his magic diverting soldiers to their side while Rowan made his run for Aelin.#She'd protested but even Gavriel had told her that she was mortal. Untrained. And what she'd done today… Rowan didn’t have the words#thank you for Elide appreciation day#He trusted Essar. She'd never liked Maeve had outright said she did not serve her with any willingness or pride.#But these last few hours before dawn when so many things could go wrong...#the full circle of him praying to Mala in HoF and then mentioning it in QoS and EoS and now here in KoA😭#She had to be there. Aelin had to be there.#If they had come so close but wound up being the very thing that had caused Maeve to take Aelin away AGAIN#The bond within him lay dark and slumbering. No indication of her proximity. — Maeve doing that too AGH I HATE HER SO MUCH#Essar had no idea that Aelin was being kept here until Elide informed her. How many others hadn't known? How well had Maeve hidden her?#— maybe that means there’s some good face on their side who might help if they know or learn?#ah rowaelins love language of revenge and compartmentalizing#Overhead the stars shone clear and bright and though Mala had only once appeared to him at dawn on the foothills across this very city#though she might be little more than a strange mighty being from another world he offered up a prayer anyway.#his magic sending a prayer to the northern stars for dawn to stay with the woman he loves — even back then😭#Tonight with only the cold fire of the stars for company he begged her once more.#HE SAYS COLD FIRE BECAUSE ITS NOT HIS FIREHEART😭 and the the darkness back to the light — IT WILL NOT END HERE WE WONT LET IT HE WONT LET IT#and the fact he knew he loved her back then😭 and all those centuries before when he didn’t know why😭😭😭
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thanks to amazing mutual's most recent fic,,,, i've had an epiphany ✨✨✨ i'm a fake mttpoly fan i dont think they'd ever love each other ✨✨ OK WELL MAYBE NOT FAKE i just dont think they'd ever fall in love
maybe its tooootally just me being unaware but i see no way how they could ever come to LOVE eachother. in anyway shape or form. is it too early for me to properly string together my thoughts perhaps but EVEN AFTER YEARS OF BEING TOGETHER i dont see how they could find something to truly LOVE in the other 2. like,,,, killer's got his whole. uhhh. emotionally repressed thing. and dust and horror have their own prejudices against the other 2. even if theyre given time to settle their differences and come to terms (somewhat) with their own issues and the other two's personalities/history that bother them i still just dont think theres any potential for....... love?????? am i understandable
the closest thing i could see is maybe care?? attachment??? maybe these are the same words some would use to describe love itself but in the context of the trio i feel like its different. i cant explain myself that well here but i could see them finding rational reasons to appreciate the others and then eventually that turns into genuine care. but not love,,,,, never love for them,,,,,
#i'm biased i view horror as aromatic that immediately throws romantic love out of the equation anyways LMAO#this is the most ace and potentially aro thing i've ever posted 💀#its just not possible to me!!!! first they have to learn how to love themselves before even ATTEMPTING to love each other!!!#could it be some weird other form of love?? maybe??? but they'd never even call it love anyways#or realize it. or recognize it. or literally even do anything to prove it or back the so called love up#its just not possible for me.......... to summarize: mttpoly weird qpr is the only way i see then#unless we're talking fanon in which GO WILD I LOVE FANON but man.... this is my interpretation#as a semi canonish probably not mtt fan who also dabbles in mttpoly#part of mttpoly nation but half of my posts arent even of them as poly 😒😒😒#i feel like it was blatantly obvious anyways that i saw them as sone sort of qpr. or SOMETHING along the sorts that cant be labeled#all of my posts could totally be seen as not poly or poly. and eitherway i never mention any sort of love between them anyways lul#lets see what untitled29876011111 has to say about this post when they see it :3#what-have-i-unleashed making me come to realizations. i love seeing different interpretations so i can reflect on my own✨✨✨✨✨#tricule rant
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#Just Sung Ho laying his head on his boyfriend's Jun Sung's leg.
HIS MAN 2 (2023). Episode 9.
#his man 2#asianlgbtqdramas#asiandramasource#asiandramanet#dailyasiandramas#*#faiza gifs#NOTHING TO SEE HERE!!!!#AND LOOK ITS THE GREY SWEATPANTS FAMILY I LOVE THIS LIL TRIO SO MUCH! AND ALL THE LIL FRIENDSHIPS#2SUNG HAVE: JUNSUNG AND YOONGHEE 2SUNG (BOTH MINSUNG WITH SUNHO AND JUNSUNG) THESE 3#EVEN JUNGWOOK AND JUNSUNG TOO TBH! THEYRE ALL SOOOO VIBEY WITH ONE ANOTHER!#CANT FORGET HYUNGJOON AND SUNGHO EITHER!#anyway listen my BIGGEST win in all this is that sungho has just NEVER done this with seunwoo.#THIS level of comfort and closeness and 'skinship' (i hate that word urhfuh) just DOESNT exist between them#but 2sung? LOOK how comfortable they are ............#like come on man its SO OBVIOUS.#i just WISH seunwoo would STOP stringing sungho along and confusing him tbh
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cant go on twitter cause every other post is shadow the hedgehog posting and if i see too much shadow the hedgehog posting im genuinely going to explode from excitement
#not rgg#snap chats#SO IM BOTHERING YOU ALL EVEN MORE NOW :) <- the implication i ever posted anything but art to twitter#i will be bothering you all the same amount as before#no more subposting about tweets i see this is so tragic i have to think for myself for once#no one understands how much i love shadow the hedgehog and how long ive waited for this year to be upon us#its so beautiful to see everyone finally accept shadow was cool all along i love being right from the ripe age of 7#anyway For My Cabinet listen i just need you guys to supply me the best memes from twitter until the game comes out alright#can i refer to my inbox as my cabinet. my council. my chat. its incredibly funny to do so#i mean what am i REAAAAALLLYYY missing from rgg twt huh ..... Insane Take Number 35 Of The Week ... ill live ...#ok bye im gonna act like there isnt a sea of sickass edgy shadow the hedgehog art on my tl right now
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Ngl I'm kind of dillydallying around my own SDV fixation and i'd KILL to see what your brain is doing to this game like i for one would eat up dat stuff UP . . .
I love the way this is phrased; genuinely 😭💖 like im a force of nature tearing through any new interest like its made of wet tissue paper 💥💥💥
I thought about it some more and i will (eventually) make an sdv blog. Its going to be a mess having all my interests on one dashboard (im lazy and i dont want to sign in and out all the time for diff accounts lol) but i need sdv stuff in sight or ill explode. For now tho i will ramble about random hcs rattling around in my brain
- The valley is FULL of magic, but not alot of Magical Beings that utilize that magic. If the residents of pelican town knew more about magic, there would be alot more wizards than just. The Wizard.
- Everyone in pelican town has some kind of latent magic, or at the very least, an affinity or sensitivity to magic. I like to think that magic builds in very secluded corners of their world and the area including (and surrounding) pelican town is simply one of those places.
-(sorry, i am just obsessed with Places and Magic) I like the idea of your farmer being drawn to pelican town bc they have a bit of magic in them. The letter is just A Letter, but it is the desire to see this town that makes them leave their old life behind. I am obsessed w the idea that the magic in the farmer craves the valley bc it sees the valley as its home, and by extension, the farmer sees the valley as their home. The people of pelican town rarely leave bc the magic in them sees the valley as their home always. The biggest examples of this are Kent, Demetrius, Evelyn, Emily and Shane. The huge exceptions to this (still workin on it) are lewis and sebastian; lewis bc i see him as a normal, non-magical being trying to wrangle the weirdness of this town, and sebastian bc his feelings of isolation and not being understood propels him to crave the world outside of the valley. (That changes a bit if u befriend him/romance him)
-(shane is weird bc hes super depressed and lonely but his happiness comes from his new ‘ragtag family’ (his words) and his very Not Normal chickens. The animals of the valley love him bc he loves them and he becomes tied to the valley bc of it. Marnie has always loved the animals of the valley and some of the love they had for her definitely rubbed off onto shane, who very openly admits he loves the chickens 💙)
-I wasnt very fond of the idea of purple=magic but i think that was bc i often saw it as a way to tie-in the wizard and abigail. I am still trying to get through the friendships for everyone but rn it doesnt feel like theres any connection between them (and caroline). But. I do like the idea of odd, unnatural colors coming through bc of magic. Alex and Pierre having normal brown hair; Haley and Sam being true blondes. BUT. Shane and Jas having purple-ish hair. Emily and Caroline have blue toned hair. Even vincent have pinkish hair 🥺💖 (and dare i say….sebastian with purple/black hair like shane 👀…maybe he has more magic in him than hed like to believe). Abigail doesnt count bc from what ive seen, Caroline laments about her daughters dyed hair. “When she was younger it used to be chestnut brown” which…awww she took after her dad lol.
- LAST THING. This is not an hc i am just mad about this. I cannot believe the game doesnt allow u to befriend Marlon. What the fuck. What the fuck !!! I love him!!! I want to be friends w the chill monster slayer! Im a monster slayer too!!! Let me give him gifts !!! Fuck ! 😭😭😭💥💥💥💥 Also. I know how to write old man yaoi. They shouldve let me do a romance path for willy, clint and marlon. And the wizard i guess but someone already did that. Linus doesnt count bc hes ascended the need for human romance; hes one w nature (read. aroace). And we (linus and willy and the farmer) already co-raise leo so that counts for something i think 🤔
#answered#chattin#sdv#sorry that 80% of this was about the fucking Town#but i am obsessed w Places that Feel#Magic that Feels#wants and craves and breathes with emotion#you come to the valley bc the magic in you misses home#the valley calls for you bc she misses you#not just the magic but the person who has kept this magic safe and warm#the valley knows when to let go. but it also knows when to reach out and bring you back#everyones got little tethers on them. she wonders what everyone is up to#the farmer wants something beyond this desk and she gives a little tug#she hums along the tether to kent and its funny; she doesnt need to pull at all; he comes back as soon as hes able#sebastian wants to see whats out there; find his purpose; and she unravels the tether as much as he needs it to be#anyway hi. welcome to my destroyed whirlwind room of a brain#this doesnt scratch like. the wildlife of the valley. the magic in the farm and crops. the seasons#the moonlight jellies (and how u can see them in fern island sometimes)#lewis and his many many crimes (read. he is wack and i hate him)#the emily/shane friends w benefits agenda i have going on (and harvey/elliot ship that i love so dearly)#and the jodi/kent/caroline polycule u didnt think u needed until i said it just now#i have like. too many thots. its literally consuming brain. i fall asleep thinking of this fucking game#and the version of it that exists in my head rentfree LMAO
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more asoiaf comparisons, parallels & antiparallels to the first dance of the dragons vs the second & final dance of the dragons (& possibly the sixth blackfyre rebellion): the blacks being daenerys i targaryen's supporters, the golds being aegon vi targaryen's supporters, tommen baratheon being a close equivalent to gaemon palehair & his mother essie & sylvenna sand which may be interpreted as a parallel with queen cersei lannister & taena merryweather of myr, trystane truefyre being a close equivalent to aegon/young griff & perkin being jon connington & the shepherd being the new high septon the high sparrow, dalton greyjoy being euron i greyjoy's ancestor & the latter surpassing him, alyn waters later alyn velaryon resembling aurane waters later aurane velaryon & finishing what their ancestors started. history repeats itself.
#LIKE!!!! LOOK AT THE PARALLELS BRUH#it kinda makes me wonder who the hightowers would support this time...#its literally so wild how history repeats itself#i think the lannisters would support aegon after he takes king's landing bc they're lowkey fucked either way.#cersei lannister's probably either in hiding at casterly rock or will end up as aegon's political prisoner. maybe jaime too idk.#i have no idea who would lead the lannisters on the side of the golds now that kevan's dead killed by varys tho... maybe genna lannister?#cersei jaime & tyrion's aunt? to parallel johanna lannister who attacked the ironborn like a boss bitch??#i personally predict aegon'll marry sansa who would have the north the riverlands & the vale at her back—it'd be arranged by baelish & varys#i also think it's possible he'd take arianne martell as another wife to parallel aegon & his wives visenya & rhaenys.#so by taking sansa & arianne as his wives & queens both of whom are well beloved in their countries he'd restore honor to their houses.#bc aerys & later the baratheon dynasty was a terrible time for the starks & the martells so he brings the north & dorne back into the fold.#so by marrying sansa he honors & respects her given her past betrothal to joffrey & forced marriage to tyrion & mending what aerys did#particularly to her grandfather rickard stark & her uncle brandon stark & to her aunt lyanna stark.#& by marrying arianne he's restoring honor to house martell considering all the bs his mother elia martell experienced in king's landing.#(whether elia actually Is his mother or who he perceives her to be) & restoring the line of succession again in dornish hands#& they'd probably marry him on the condition that the northerners & dornish gets special rights & privileges that others don't.#& not to mention that the targaryens starks & martells have a common enemy.#polygamy's a big nono in the faith of the seven but that didn't stop aegon & his wives & im sure after everything w/ the faith rn??#w/ cersei & the sparrows?? & considering aegon's actually a decent person & he'll be foreshadowed to be popular & loved??#i don't think most would bat an eye tbh. i actually think daenerys would wanna talk to aegon first tho.#then everything & everyone around them goes to shit & they end up fighting bc like. daenerys wants SO BADLY to have a family.#so like i don't see her immediately perceiving aegon as a threat.#the starks & most of the north would prolly be wary of dany @ 1st due to aerys & having a MASSIVE army w/ three dragons until the long night#except for like. maybe jon. but anyway the martells could be slightly wary of dany bc of what happened with quentyn in meereen.#idk maybe there's a division in the north & dorne. i think sansa & arianne would actually get along personally.#anyway im presuming stannis is gonna be at the nightfort & i personally don't think he's ever gonna come south again. he'll die at the wall.#ooc.
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It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care
#vent ig#i wish i could#but unfortunately i havent had the occasion of sharing one of my interest with you in the past three months and when i did it didnt go as i#wanted and now we're supposed to talk through smalltalks except i dont know how to do those so im awkward as hell and unconsciously cut the#short and now im being hated (?) even tho that wasnt my intent#but i guess no matter how trustful i am i just look like a liar#and i cant even bring myself to care bc how am i supposed to explain myself when youre convinced what i say is a lie#we werent even supposed to be this close so sorry if im stiff. i tried to get along but i just cant#the never ending circle between 'i want to have ppl to interact with being alone to experience this world is exhausting and dreadful' and#'im not even remotely interested by any of you'#its different on tumblr bc i can curate my own experience & nobody comes @ me when i dont interact with them for days or weeks (BC IVE GOT#NOTHING TO SAY) and its okay and its normal and we dont have to do the 'hi how are you wyd' script every single time (sure we can check up#on each other once in a while but it doesnt become a script. it feels genuine.)#anyway. im so normal. i can def care about ppl that have never been as insane as me about something we both love(d at some point)#am pretty sure i developed 'i perceived you saying/thinking One(1) bad thing about me and now i dont care at all about your existence' as#a child as a coping mechanism but goddammit i feel like an asshole everytime it happened#i hate feeling apathetic#and i hate lying too so i cant just say shit to reassure them when i dont mean them#cant tell them im sorry about how my behavior is perceived when im so damn tired and would rather they disappear of my life
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yo merry christmas i'm thinking about christmas at the hargrove-mayfield's house throughout the years
wanna think about their first christmas together as a family, maybe before neil and susan even got married, or maybe just after. wanna think about what susan got billy for that first december 25th that they knew each other and what neil bought for max. did neil just pass that duty off to susan and stick his name on the from: section of the gift tag or did he put effort in and actually go to the shops and try and find something, specifically for his new step-daughter.
wanna think about the following few christmas' in california where billy never heard from his mom, never even got a fucking christmas card, but max heard from her dad; spending the time between christmas breakfast and christmas lunch on the phone, thanking him for the present he sent in the mail. wanna think about susan listening in, hearing her ex sounding distant and barely focused, agreeing with everything their daughter says, and biting her tongue; half relieved max hasn't picked up on the fact that sam's handwriting and her own is exactly the same, and half mad that sam's willing to take the credit without even blinking.
wanna think about their last christmas in california where they don't even realise it's their last one there; billy hitting his stride in being the worlds moodiest and most hard done by teenager, max following quick in his footsteps. wanna think about how all the gifts hand-picked by susan would be too lame and embarrassing to be thankful for, both kids screwing their nose up at most presents. maybe billy and max exchanging small gifts that christmas becos they haven't been at each others throats all year, only some, and susan thought it would be nice.
wanna think about their first christmas in hawkins, with things still so messy and uncomfortable and rough, but somehow settling into it like it's their new normal. wanna think about it being cold as fuck, none of them prepared for hawkins winters, and everyone walking on eggshells around each other and pretending it's fine. wanna think about max growing up and officially moving into her teenage years and billy counting down the days until he leaves them, adulthood so close yet still so fucking far. wanna think about them all sitting down for christmas dinner and billy barely being acknowledged, things still so tense even though it's been almost two months since everything went to shit, and max forcing out answers every time susan tries to keep the conversation flowing, her doing her best to carry the christmas spirit.
wanna think about a world where there's no living nightmares, no government conspiracies, and no death, but billy still spirals out of control anyway, feeling trapped and cornered in an unfamiliar town with unfamiliar people, his only solution to lash out and fight, anger and violence and distrust being all he knows. wanna think about max coming to the realisation that there's bigger monsters than her asshole step-brother, that maybe billy isn't the start of everyone's problems, just always somehow the end of them. want her to trace the line back to the source and realise neither of them ever stood a fucking chance.
wanna think about a christmas where billy's eighteen and max is fifteen, and they still live on cherry lane, and neil still fucking sucks, and susan still fucking tries, and everything's still awkward, the four of them never quite becoming the family unit their parents try to pretend them to be, but maybe billy and max get along these days, in a way they never could when they were younger, them going from being against each other to realising it's team up or be picked apart.
max gives him a present she saved up for for months, maybe as they're all going to bed, and billy raises an eyebrow at her before sighing and unwrapping it, still too fucking stubborn to be able to say thank you, but somehow brave enough to reach a hand into his room and grab out a present he got for her, and it's unwrapped cos he hasn't wrapped a present since his mom left, so max does her little sister duty and tells him she loves the wrapping and effort he put into it, before actually looking at what he got her, and he walks into his room and closes the door before she can even acknowledge it for the gift it is.
wanna think about billy eventually moving out, but not making it far; too fucking broke to live out his dreams of going home. wanna think about neil clapping him on the back on moving day and telling him he's done good, that this is what growing up is. graduating school, getting a job, moving out, providing for yourself. that's what makes a man. that it was rough there for a while, and he was worried, but he's glad to see his son's shaped up and straightened out finally, thanks to his solid parenting. wanna think about billy having no idea how to react, thinking that's the closest he'll ever get to his dad saying he's proud of him. wanna think about max helping him move and helping him chose a couch, claiming it has to be comfortable enough to sleep on when she crashes there on school breaks. want billy to tell her to get fucked, but buy the couch she picked out anyway.
wanna think about his first christmas out of home, and how how he probably feels indifferent about it at best, and pain about it at worst. christmas was never like the movies growing up, no matter how much susan tried, so it's not like being alone and having no decorations or presents is going to hurt, but he has enough memories of his mum, and a few moments over the years from when max and susan tried, and there's such a build up and fucking atmosphere about it all in hawkins that he can't escape it even if he tried, and he's starting to realise maybe he's really fucking lonely.
wanna think about neil calling him up and billy answering, cos now that they don't live in the same house and billy's finally taking responsibility for his own life, neil's like a whole new person. he wants to do father-son shit like talk about cars, offer advice about fixing the kitchen sink, tell him when to hire someone to fix something and when you should be able to fix something yourself, wants to watch sports games and crack open a beer on a saturday afternoon, and billy makes up reasons to say no most of the time, but sometimes he caves and says yes, cos there's a small part of him that's always wanted this. wanna think about neil calling and asking billy when he's coming over for christmas, saying that susan's cooking his favourite. wanna think about billy not even knowing what his favourite is, but saying he'll be at breakfast by 7:30am before he can stop himself.
wanna think about billy staying 'til afternoon and max raising an eyebrow at him, muttering don't you have a home to go to? while they clean up after lunch, but then neil offers him a beer, so he ignores her, and listens when his dad says he's welcome to stay for dinner, too. wanna think about billy and max smoking a joint out the back while their parents end the day with a christmas movie, and max turns to him and asks him what neil's deal is these days, and billy shrugs her off, too stubborn to look at it all too closely.
wanna think about billy pulling some money out of his wallet cos he has some now, and he didn't have time to get a present, too busy working overtime, but he has cash, so that'll do. wanna think about max handing him a new zippo, then somehow unearthing a whole-ass wrapped present, and when he opens it, it's a set of cheap fake glass cups, becos billy doesn't have any yet and every time she comes over she has to drink something either directly from the bottle in the fridge or remember her own drink bottle, and it's a housewarming gift, asshole, and this isn't my house, billy thinks, this isn't my fucking home, but it's also all he's got, so he finds a place for them in the cupboard above the sink, and max hunts them down the next time she's over first thing.
wanna think about christmas' in their future, when max moves out, when they're in their 20's and 30's, maybe billy keeps coming home, finding an uneasy peace with his dad reserved for special occasions only, the only few times of the year he's willing to lie to himself and pretend things were never as bad as his memories made them out to be, or maybe everything eventually crumbles, and billy finally gets to put some real distance between them, and finally then, he can breathe and stop pretending.
maybe max continues going, her seeing her mom try and so she puts in the effort to try as well, and maybe that works for a while, maybe even a lifetime, but maybe it doesn't, and by the time both her and billy are closer to 30 than 20, the only family they see on christmas is each other, and billy never wraps her presents, and max only gets him practical things, and they drink and bitch most of the time, but it's so much easier to exist in each others space when they don't have to act and pretend and play parts.
#anyway the idea of billy attending christmas day at cherry lane for those first few years and telling himself it's sooo fine#it's completely normal thing to do after a completely normal childhood where nothing ever went wrong ever#and for max to go along with it becos over her dead body is she gonna suffer through christmas day alone even though she thinks its Crazy#how billy and neil could go from the trainwreck they were to whatever illusion neil's trying to create now#but then like. the idea of billy getting a significant other; a Male significant other; and having to like. Face Facts#make up excuses to not go home from christmas anymore; but be too scared to tell his dad the real reason why#until his partner is like. I Know Your Childhood Was Bad But Jesus Christ. You're 25 Dude#wait also the idea of max Knowing and being like. Yeah He's Always Been This Stupid. Yeah It's Probably Genetic. Good Luck.#god the idea of billy finally telling his dad why he's not coming and neil hanging up on him. not msging him for his birthday#and billy getting the hint loud and clear. except maybe susan works some christmas magic and maybe neil's had a health scare or two#and maybe max says she's only coming home for christmas if billy is#so maybe neil calls billy up and says him and his Boyfriend are welcome home for christmas this year.#and it sounds like he's eating the sourest lemon in the entire world. but he's asking. and billy's like. this is gonna be terrible. we Can'#but somehow ends up saying yes. becos he's stupid.#and then neil and susan are sitting down for christmas dinner with billy and Boyfriend and Max and#okay listen. the elmax in me wants them so bad but also the lumax in me wants THEM so bad.#actually either way i can't lose neil would be frothing at the mouth either way#and max would be LOVED and CHERISHED either way#worlds most awkward and intense christmas dinner.#also u may be thinking. now melia. dont they have other family. cousins? grandparents? aunts and uncles? and you'd be right!#but i'm too lazy to go into that rn. the idea of neil cutting his family out and susan barely being on speaking terms with hers#ANYWAY the idea of christmas evolving over time from being something that they barely tolerated with each other#to being something that they only include each other in. no more parents and maybe significant others come and go but no matter what#it's them against the world
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🫂
#i've had many people ask me in the DMs what could be done to help me out given the orange menace is coming back into power#the best things for me right now (I can't speak to others) is this: 1. Keep supporting my creative endeavors#no matter how little I might post or interact. Please hype me up. I need community. I need spirit to survive.#2. Help me find resources that will help myself and others. Food banks. Community meets. Passports. Finances. Mental health etc.#these are important and I don't want others feeling like sitting ducks. Even though I'm scared I want to be a solution to the problem.#I am going to be a helper in this mess cause that's who I am and I need ammo in this capacity#3. Donate so I can up my ration storage. I've been collecting food water and nonperishables and I'm trying to stock up on medication#and other basic necessities. I'm collecting as if I'm preparing to be homeless again and if I am over capacity I'm giving rations to others#I've had to make peace with the fact I can't run away. I can't move to another country as I'm broke and poor like the rest of my loved ones#4. If you have friends who are disabled or a minority or lgbtq etc. do what you can to protect them and show them that you love them#and build community#5. Share my work and that of others. Who knows if we're gonna have sites like AO3 in the future or even access to tumblr.#this is all I can think of at the moment and again I can't speak for others this is what comes to mind for myself#And I admit I'm coming from a place of the worst case scenarios#because in my mind if I imagine I'm dead or homeless etc. and work my way backward to the next worst thing before that it unravels my fear#and it gives me back my power in the situation by sitting with those fears and giving them time to speak#because in my mind if I'm already dead if I'm already homeless or at war etc. etc. then its already happened and what else is there to fear#if I've been through everything already in mind?#I'm hoping that the worst case scenarios don't transpire but I can't ignore the fact many of them could and probably will happen#in some capacity but I can control the actions I take through prep and facing these fears one by one#and most importantly sticking to routine by making sure im healthy to help people#anyway this is why ive been quiet for a while besides for spending time with friends and loved ones recently to get over what happened#im going to keep going to my classes keep helping people through my jobs try to be creative when I have spoons and little by little#make sure I have enough of what I need to get through the storm and outlive the bastards in power#I'm not sure what sort of pink variant to assign this to but its along the magenta spectrum#love you guys#we'll get through this
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going to be absolutely haunted by every heart a doorway by seanan mcguire for the rest of my life i think
#shaking you and shaking you#where's my door? can you hear me? do you understand what I'm saying? where is my fucking door#i will never be the same again (positive) but also i will never be the same again (negative)#the way the 12 year old clawed out of me at the idea of wonderland/different worlds/secret doors being real all along#makes me think that hmm maybe i didn't actually come to terms with feeling like i didn't belong ! maybe instead i repressed it !#if i had been in even a SLIGHTLY worse mental state rn that book would have destroyed me. sent me over the edge i think#i didn't even realize how intense it was. christ how did i repress all that lol#WHERE IS MY DOOR#where is MY home !!!! this surely can't be it !!!!#anyway. if i think too deeply about this it makes me feel like i need to grieve#so i wont think about it ! xoxo#ANYWAY phenomenal book. couldn't put it down. the ace rep was unexpected but nice#will now be reading everything published by seanan mcguire thank yew#its one of my favorite books now but like. i also wish i had never read it. yknow??#incredible work of art and i loved every second of reading it#but now im alone in this dark room with the voice in the back of my head that tells me that there are special things in this world#and that i was not/am not good enough for a single one of them#and its getting louder !!!!#well. guess ill just go to work tomorrow#fucking christ
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when both ur fav girls visit u at work (they both hangout in ur chatroom while u cam💖💖💖💖💖💖) <<<<<<<
#camming is fun bc it is anyway but my favs can come talk to me during n i love that im gonna meet them both irl one day manifesting it bc#its gonna happen idc dream would b all 3 of us hanging at the lakehouse one day tbh bc i think theyd get along too#gna make a discord with them im just ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh#also one said something rly hot with her n her daddy n im a lil 🥺 bc hot theyd do that but also shes so hot n i totally would with her#...but thinking about it i think were both subs how would that go idc tbh would#sorry 4 the tangent tbh theyre both the hottest ever n would ngl i need sleep lol and to eat but need to smoke first bc neither r happening#batbaby rambles
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