#anyway kim deserves the best he is so KIND

[jinstronaut]

i still orbit you, and nothing’s changed, but if there’s no name to love, everything has changed. (cr. namuspromised, lyric translation doolsetbangtan)

happy birthday @cordiallyfuturedwight 💜💜💜

[pupyuj]

→ “ruin our friendship.” || kim gaeul x reader fic.

— for years, gaeul has trusted your heart and tried to find whatever good you saw in your douchebag of a boyfriend, but she has had enough. and now she wants to show you that you deserve so much better...

word count: 6.9k.

dynamic: dom!kim gaeul x sub!taken!reader.

warnings: bffs-to-lovers, cheating, oral, fingering, cunnilingus, facesitting, faceriding, overstimulation, masturbation, praise kink.

requested ? : nope.

a/n: i don't even know how long this has been rotting in my drafts but SHE IS FINALLY FREE! and we have our first gaeul fic AND I HAVE OFFICIALLY WRITTEN A FIC FOR EVERY IVE MEMBER EYAYYYY 🥰💖 now i don't have to worry about possibly looking like i favor one member more than the others omg guys i can assure you i have thoughts about ive unnies all the time, the ones for yujin are just loud as FUCK. much like herself. ANYWAYS, HEHE I HAD A LOT OF FUN WRITING THIS and i hope you all love it 💕

p.s. as usual this is not proofread thoroughly so apologies in advance for any mistakes! 😭💞

ever since entering college, you and your best friend gaeul have had to match your schedules perfectly in order to hang out and even talk regularly. those assignments couldn’t finish themselves after all, as much as you hoped they did. years before, you and her would have the time of your lives shopping and visiting the many different restaurants your vast city offered, but now, everything was different. and in gaeul’s most humble opinion, your busy lives as college students wasn’t the only problem. she could name a few actually! there was her part-time job at her mechanic father’s service shop where she spends most of her time sitting on a chair and listening to middle-aged men try to woo her as they wait for their car to get fixed, and there was your side gig as some small-time coordinator in a pretty popular live house in the downtown part of the city.

but gaeul can’t exactly be angry at your jobs for pulling the two of you away from each other! what she can be angry about was you were always distracted whenever you did go out together. here’s a clear picture: you would be sitting with her in a cute coffee shop after two weeks of not being able to see each other and there gaeul is, talking about the shenanigans that happens in her classes, her dad’s shop, and her life in general. then, she’d find you spacing out, or staring at your phone—just completely ignoring her. for the first few times it happened, gaeul just thought that perhaps you were just worried about your schoolwork!

it made sense after all. you were some kind of academic overachiever that always used to nag at gaeul to finish her geometry homework during your high school days. gaeul was going to be fine with it all; she even thought about things she could tell you to soothe your head but one little peek at your phone screen ruined it all. every ounce of patience in gaeul just disappeared into thin air once she saw that you were distressed because of your stupid boyfriend’s messages.

ugh. your boyfriend.

now, gaeul wasn’t one to shit on her best friend’s lovers just because, okay? ninety-three percent of the time she has a valid reason! here’s the breakdown: your boyfriend is manipulative, abusive, possessive, and ugly. one would say that maybe he wasn’t always that way, or that maybe he’s struggling with things! well, gaeul can confirm that he has always been horrible to you and that whatever the fuck he’s dealing with doesn’t give him the excuse to be such an asshole to someone that genuinely cares for him. gaeul can’t even count how many times you’ve showed up at her doorstep in tears because of him. 

she really can’t understand why you’re still dating him. it’s been about five years since the two of you got together and really, the only good thing you got from that relationship is a ride to the campus and if you’re lucky and he actually feels like being a decent boyfriend for once, some fancy clothes. clothes that he picks out for you, and he can’t even get that shit right! he doesn’t know your style, the kind of clothes you want to wear, the brands you’ve always wanted to get clothes from, and in general, you. gaeul knows people like him all too well. people that only want you to fill a very specific void in their miserable life.

gaeul can’t stand him. you deserve so much better, you can do so much better.

and gaeul is better.

just like that, an idea pops up in gaeul’s head as she sits in a booth in her favorite diner, but she didn’t have time to think about it because she looks out the window and there you were in a pretty, pink sundress with your hair arranged in a cute braid adorned with little butterfly clips. gaeul lets out a chuckle—rei, your roommate, must’ve helped you with that. gaeul also notices that you were wearing the sneakers that the two of you bought together so you could match, which warmed her heart. even more so when she remembers that she was wearing her own pair of those sneakers too!

gaeul watched patiently as you entered the diner and greeted the waitress behind the counter like you always do. a bright smile spreads across your face once you find gaeul in your usual booth, and gaeul feels herself flashing her very own grin as you start walking faster towards her.

“hey! sorry, i’m late. i had to change my entire outfit. i didn’t think it would be so warm today.” you said, pulling gaeul into a quick hug before sitting across from her. gosh, you looked beautiful! the baby hairs that stuck to your forehead and the sides of your face only made you look even cuter, gaeul almost wanted to reach out and pinch your cheeks.

“careful. look any prettier and someone might mistake you as my girlfriend.” gaeul quipped. she finds herself grinning proudly as you laugh.

“you look dashing yourself! they probably already think you’re my boyfriend, but you’re not neglecting me for ‘a night with the boys’ so we would get found out quickly.” you sighed. you were clearly disappointed, but you covered it up with another laugh before sipping on the glass of water gaeul kindly ordered for you.

“then today is a date. he probably hasn’t taken you in one for ages, anyway.” gaeul doesn’t know if you’ll actually buy it. she wasn’t even joking! as far as she knows, his version of dates is taking you on a boring ass car ride and spoiling you with useless shit. she knows what you want on dates. she knows what you want in general. let this work.

you giggled, “true. it’s a date then.” and she doesn’t miss the shy smile on your face afterwards.

well! it looks like this was going to be easier than gaeul predicted.

as the two of you ate your lunch, you talked about school and how life has been treating you both. you were thriving for the most part! you were up to date with your coursework, your job hasn’t been too demanding or taxing, and you were able to have enough breathing space in your life to actually meet up with gaeul, like right now! it seems like the only problem in your life was your boyfriend. he hasn’t been spending too much time with you, and one would think it might be because he’s gotten busier but nope, he’s as shitty as gaeul describes him to be. he only wants to hang out with his team and his stupid friends, and he barely talks to you even in text! that asshole.

gaeul didn’t let you dwell on it all though. she absolutely detests seeing you upset. especially over that useless fucker. she distracts you with a few funny shenanigans from working in her dad’s shop, and how she has actually been doing quite well in her classes! it was clearly your influence. hell, if it weren’t for you, gaeul wouldn’t even be in college at all! you gave her direction, and now you were giving her all the motivation she needs to make it through one school day at a time.

fuck, your boyfriend was so lucky. gaeul has to let you see that he wasn’t worth anything you’re giving him. she has to pull you away and make you see that a pretty girl like you needs to feel good!

in more ways than one.

“so, boyfriend, where are we going?” you joked as you settled yourself in the passenger seat of her car. while gaeul started the engine, that was when she put her little scheme in motion.

“bowling. or rather, sending the balls to the gutter for two hours straight.” she said. bowling happens to be your favorite stress reliever, it always has been! gaeul always liked watching you as you played. even when you didn’t hit any of the pins, you still had fun. gaeul was willing to bet that your pathetic boyfriend rarely ever takes you bowling.

“god you’re the best.”

“mhm, i know.”

from then on, gaeul knew it was going to be a breeze. especially when she did get on the road and you just allowed her to put her hand on your thigh. you didn’t even notice at first, occupied with fixing your charming but unruly hair. but then gaeul lightly squeezed your thigh, caressing slowly just to test the waters, and finally, you noticed her. she was afraid that your attitude would change, but it seemed like… you liked what she was doing. and so gaeul’s hand stays in place. she took note of how you squeezed your legs together every time she caresses your skin gently, or how you would sometimes put your hand on top of hers.

the drive to the bowling alley was quiet, save for the music you’ve put on, of course. silence was a rarity between the two of you since there was always something to catch up on, things to complain and whine about, people to talk shit about, and casual conversations that have become needed just to have some sense of normality in your chaotic lives. gaeul was afraid she had made you uncomfortable because come on, she was quite literally trying to take over your boyfriend’s place! joke or not, this was bound to make you just the least bit weirded out!

imagine gaeul’s surprise when she briefly glanced over to your direction and find you looking relaxed. not even the constant buzzing of your phone was able to break your focus on the road. just like that, gaeul doesn’t stop a smile from forming on her face. forget about him.

and it seems like as soon as gaeul parked her car near the bowling alley—you did! you took gaeul’s arm and started gingerly dragging her through the doors, giggling as you did so. it was easy to secure a spot for the two of you, the place wasn’t too busy yet after all.

“two hours of this? you ready to lose, kim?” you said with a mocking smile as you approached the lane. gaeul sat back on the couches behind you, smirking as she very shamelessly checked your backside out unbeknownst to you. there was a small table in the middle of the u-shaped couch that gaeul sat on where you laid down your phone. as you busied yourself making your cute little bowling profile on the monitor near the lane, gaeul glances down at your phone that kept lighting up at it vibrated. your boyfriend was calling you, and he has sent you a dozen or more messages that you still haven’t bothered to look at.

gaeul sneers at the picture of your boyfriend on the screen. he really didn’t deserve you! luckily for him, she will happily take you off his hands. gaeul takes your phone and declines the call, smiling happily when she leaned back on the couch and continued on staring at your beautiful form. you hooked a medium-sized ball with your hand and prepared yourself—sure, you were never the best at the sport but you were to have fun and have fun only! and so you delivered the ball and hit exactly seven pins. gaeul tilts her head a bit to see the look of pure joy on your face and finds herself grinning along with you.

for once, it was not at all a bad start for you! you grabbed the smaller ball and prepared to take down the last three pins at the other end of the lane. upon staring at your near flawless little pose that especially accentuated your ass, gaeul whistles. the sound catches you off-guard and you end up messing up your throw, sending the ball into the gutter in a fit of laughter.

“you little devil.” you said, playfully glaring at your best friend who has stood up and started stretching all of her limbs.

“this is where your short-lived lucky streak ends,” gaeul pats your butt as she approaches the lane. and of course, she didn’t lie. gaeul delivers a ball and hits her first (and certainly not last!) strike. she winked at you while you stared at her, mouth agape at how she didn’t even hesitate to not go easy on you. “cat got your tongue, baby?” your best friend teased.

you don’t even notice the nickname, what with your competitive spirit alive and well. “oh, it is so on, kim gaeul!”

and for the next two hours, you and gaeul had the best time of your life in that bowling alley. the longer the two of you were together and the more you got drunk from pure joy of being with each other, gaeul got bolder. she was touching your waist, your back, and sometimes even rested her hand on your ass for more than a few seconds! you didn’t care—in fact, you were just as bad! grabbing her and pulling her close to whisper things in her ear (partly because the music would have drowned your voice, mostly because you wanted gaeul nearer), allowing her to not-so-discreetly touch you in places a best friend should definitely not, and finally, sitting on her lap, playing with the collar of her shirt and telling her to take you to her home.

exactly zero innocent intent at all, and gaeul was seemingly more than happy to comply!

on the way to gaeul’s apartment, it was noticeably… warm. both of your hearts were beating fast and loud from anticipation. gaeul yearned to feel your skin without the hindrance of your clothes getting in the way. her fingertips itched to feel goosebumps run along your arm, shoulders, and back as she touched you in ways she always dreamed of doing. her lips longed to taste yours since she knew that peach-flavored chapstick you two liked to share would taste so much sweeter if you were the direct source. gaeul wanted you, and she was going to have you—boyfriend be fucking damned.

when gaeul flipped the lock on her door, the two of you were all over each other. bags and jackets thrown to some random corners, shoes messily removed and left all over the living room area. gaeul barely twisted open the doorknob of her bedroom door, being so focused on exploring every crevice of your mouth with her tongue until she tugs you inside her room. her lips stayed locked with yours as she sat on her bed and pulled you to her lap, hiking your dress up and squeezing your ass. your moans were much, much sweeter than she imagined. she shivers at the feeling of your fingers playing with the back of her neck, her own whimpers only encouraging you to busy your hands with unbuttoning her shirt.

when you’ve successfully taken her shirt off, your dress was next. and gaeul made sure to take her sweet time with that! her hands caressed your thighs, gently squeezed your hips and even moved you so you could grind on her thigh (the cute whine she earned from that was very much appreciated!), and then her hands stayed wrapped around your waist as she placed soft kisses along your collarbone. you could feel her smile against your skin when you squeezed at her arms, knowing damn well what you wanted but refusing to give it to you because… well, if this happens to be the only time she fucks you then she might as well make it last!

finally, when gaeul was satisfied with the little marks she had left on your collarbone, she started pulling the ribbon on your back and loosened up your dress. “you made sure to look pretty for me, huh?” she asked as she watched you undress yourself. she took note of the bright blush on your cheeks under her dark stare, and it made her think that perhaps she wasn’t the only one who was thinking of fucking her best friend for the longest time. meanwhile, in your defense, it’s been quite a while since you had to dress yourself up and what better occasion to do that than hanging out with your best friend?

plus, if it got you to get fucked by the friend in question then you’d say that the two-hour preparation was worth it!

when gaeul laid you down on the bed, she noticed how you suddenly became quite tense, looking as though your boyfriend was about to come breaking down gaeul’s doors to drag you back with him. gaeul made sure to relieve you by kissing your forehead, taking your hands with hers and then putting your knuckles to her lips. “you’re safe with me, (y/n).” she whispered, pecking your knuckles gently and smiling at you. sure, it works… but the fear that bubbled up in your stomach did not go away.

“if he finds out about this…” you pull your best friend close, letting her embrace you while you wrap your arms around her neck.

gaeul scoffed arrogantly, “he won’t—”

“—if he does, i don’t know what i’ll do,” you never told gaeul that your boyfriend has been watching out for her for the longest time. he was always suspicious of gaeul, saying that he was so sure that she wanted to fuck you and make you hers. because of his suspicions (that now proved to be true), he always made sure to be annoying and text you and call you an absurd amount of times whenever you were hanging out with gaeul. he never does that when you’re out with your other friends. no. that behavior was reserved for the one person he was threatened by. “i don’t want him to hurt you.” you said. you can’t even imagine what he would do to you, let alone the girl he absolutely detests.

“he’s as dumb as a brick. i could fuck you in his own bathroom and he’d have no idea.” gaeul makes a mental note to reserve that exact scenario in the future.

you couldn’t help but stifle a laugh, “you know he can very much send you to the hospital, right? he’s like, three heads taller than you!”

“three heads yet he’s still stupid enough to treat you horribly and practically give you away to me,” gaeul sneaks her hands behind you, unclasps your bra and pulls it off of you in one swift motion. your heart beats louder every second gaeul’s eyes travel downward, soaking in more and more of your naked beauty that she longed to set her eyes on forever. “i’ll teach him a thing or two about giving a pretty girl the pleasure she deserves.”

every doubt and fear you had evaporates into nothing as soon as gaeul puts her lips against your skin once again. sucking, biting, licking—anything she can do to leave marks and make you remember this night akin to a skilled painter perfecting their masterpiece with every stroke. you feel gaeul’s hand trail down your stomach and palm your soaked panties, and you had an almost automatic reaction to grind against her, blushing wildly upon hearing her chuckle at your enthusiasm. gaeul wraps her warm mouth around your nipple, your back arching at the feeling. an embarrassingly loud moan escapes your mouth when she flicks the hardened bud and presses her palm flat against your clit at the same time.

you were losing further control of your actions. grinding restlessly on gaeul’s hand for further pleasure, taking her free hand to play with your other breast, and even pushing her head impossibly closer to your chest. she was skilled with her tongue—you shuddered at the mere thought of what else she could do to you should this night go on for longer. you feel gaeul slide her hand inside your panties, only to feel your pussy with her fingers rather than fucking you immediately.

it was adorable how impatient you were. you needed and wanted to be pleasured. it must have been quite a while since you’ve gotten some action—gaeul isn’t surprised that even in sex your boyfriend can’t deliver. every flick of your nipple, every pinch to the other one, every parting of your pussy lips, and every brush against your clit, you were mewling. you would be embarrassed if you actually heard yourself but instead, all you could focus on was the little pleasure gaeul was giving you right now.

“that feel good, hon?” gaeul asks as she presses her lower palm against your clit harder than ever. she found your little nods endearing and your inability to find the words to answer her only inflates her ego, but as much as she would love to tease you all day long, she was just as desperate for you as you are for her.

“how long has it been since he’s made you cum?” she asked, slowly pulling your panties off and letting it drop to the floor. gaeul keeps her eyes fixed on you, looking for discomfort or doubt or any sign that tells her how you could be feeling about all of this. while gaeul knows that the two of you have already crossed a point of no return, she knows that if you gave yourself the time to think about all of this, you would come to your senses. in other words, you would get the fuck out of her house and never talk to her again. it would be disheartening, yes, but gaeul unfortunately knows you well enough to know that it would be possible.

to her surprise though, you seemed to have stopped caring now. you didn’t even bother to glance at your phone that was on the floor, vibrating wildly due to the amount of times you were being called by your boyfriend. you only silently beckoned for gaeul to touch you, to taste you, to claim you. and gaeul doesn’t need to be asked twice to oblige!

“he… he has never made me cum.” you admitted, looking away from the embarrassment.

“are you serious?” gaeul laughs, but then her jovial expression is replaced with an incredulous one. “you guys do have sex, right?”

“of course we do! just… h-he’s horrible at it… every time we’re done, i have to get myself off because he never can!” you covered your face in frustration, now just wondering how you actually survived years without being able to cum with your partner during the act.

“fuck, he really is worth nothing at all, huh?” gaeul cackles. ah, poor you… but you didn’t have to worry about not cumming tonight, because gaeul just now made a silent promise that she’ll make you cum as many times as you want. she lowers herself so she could be facing your pussy, all wet and ready just for her. just as gaeul was about to bury her face in between your legs, you take a hold of one of her hands and intertwine it with yours, making her heart swell with affection. she doesn’t look back up at you, knowing that the blush on her cheeks would be too noticeable. gaeul starts off giving your cunt gentle kisses and little licks—hearing you softly whimper and seeing you jolt every time the tip of her tongue so much as brush slightly around your clit gets her adrenaline going, and eventually, gaeul commits herself to eating you out.

within mere minutes of practically making out with your pussy, gael feels you put your free hand behind gaeul’s head and pushes her closer. “more…” you could barely say, too caught up with the euphoric feeling gaeul has instilled in you using her tongue alone. it takes everything in gaeul to let go of your hand to part your lips to have better access to your clit, and when you grabbed a fistful of her hair and let out a beautiful moan, gaeul knew she was doing something right.

something adorable gaeul notices is that you were extremely sensitive when it comes to your clit, more than any woman gaeul has ever been intimate with and even herself. she licks a stripe up your cunt, relishing in your taste and the way you whine her name, before sucking on your clit. it’s almost as if you’ve never had your pussy eaten out this good before! and truthfully, you really haven’t. gaeul’s own satisfied moans created a buzz in your head, letting you know just how much she loved and savored your taste with each lick. she brings a new kind of pleasure when she makes out with your clit at a gentle, slow pace. the kind of pleasure you would never find your boyfriend (or anyone else for that matter) to be giving you.

it almost makes you wonder what gaeul’s true intentions were. of course, you weren’t expecting her to be completely in love with you. if she was, the first thing she would do to show it was not making you cheat on your boyfriend with her. was she just looking for a quick hook-up? but if that was the case, she could have just grabbed some random girl instead of putting your friendship in an awkward spot like this. perhaps you were just another box in a list that she wants to check off, but that would be cruel and completely unlike the gaeul you have known since the two of you were young. with the way she was cautious with how she fucked you, touched you, and even handled you during all of this, you wanted to believe that she has some sort of undiscovered feelings towards you.

but why were you even thinking about that? did you even have feelings for her? that was a dangerous territory you never wanted to explore, not when you cherished your friendship too much. but the ‘idea’ of dating your own best friend was never really just an idea with you. not when gaeul had ten times the charm that makes your boyfriend look like some hopeless wimp. not when gaeul will forever be the person that knows you the best. not when every time she does something as simple as tell you you’re pretty, or open a door for you, or laugh at your jokes, or smile at you so handsomely, the tiniest of butterflies flutter around in your stomach.

it was a scary feeling, one that you always hoped to go away one day but these days, and especially today, it has been hard. maybe when this is over… you don’t have to run away from it anymore, because when you look at gaeul’s eyes that pierced right through yours even as she was eating you out, you can see something beyond the hunger, the lust, and the desperation.

whatever it was, you found yourself more willing to uncover it, even if it might ruin everything.

“you’re so perfect, (y/n)...” gaeul snaps you out of your trance and immediately after, she dips her tongue inside you. “you’re better off with someone else… someone who knows you better, inside and out… mmhn... don’t you agree, princess?”

you whine shamelessly, “y-yes..! ahh… with you…” now you didn’t even mean to let that slip past your lips, but gaeul seems beyond satisfied that you did. completely addicted to your taste, gaeul pulls you closer and further down the bed by your waist, your back arching with how well she was using her mouth. the pleasure gaeul brought was enough to make your thighs twitch, your legs slightly rise in the air, and your eyes to roll to the back of your head.

“you cumming soon, baby…?” gaeul asks, briefly lifting her head slightly from in between your legs. a sly smirk graced her features, knowing that the cause of your incoherence was her. it gives her the confidence to do a lot more to you, to do everything she has been wanting to do for years. you seem to notice how she had paused to stare at you, and you shoved her face back down to your core, earning a chuckle from her. gaeul pushes your thigh back, almost lifting your leg up, for better access and eats you out better than before as if that was even possible.

at this point both of your hands were on her head. you would be worried about the tight grip you had on her hair but you were way too busy on that tight knot in your stomach. you think you hear gaeul encouraging you to cum, and you can vaguely feel her palm resting on your stomach and it does help you relax a bit. enough for you to have the strength to look down at your best friend, whose eyes have always been on you this entire time. god, she was pretty… and she looked like she belonged right where she was. she didn’t give you any more time to admire her though, as a flick of her tongue on your clit sends you to a blissful orgasm.

your body softly falls backwards your bed as you throw your head back with only gaeul’s name filling the air. gaeul spends a good few seconds staring at your face—her doing. you were simply bewitching in her eyes. she made sure to take her time cleaning you up while you came down from your high, waiting patiently until you’ve caught your breath and calmed down. she sees you breathing normally and smiles before rising up, attacking your face with a barrage of kisses while you laugh and take her in your arms.

“don’t get comfortable. this is all we’re doing until morning.” gaeul, more than ready to please you all day and night long, places a wet kiss on your collarbone before sliding her hand in between your legs. she was well on her way down your core until her phone blares loudly—someone was calling her. she ignores the sound, opting to kiss down your neck while her fingers start ghosting over your clit. and just then, you turned your head and got a glimpse of the caller id on the gaeul’s screen. but gaeul sees it first and she swipes her phone away with a dark chuckle.

“w-who is it…?” you asked quietly, not wanting to alert whoever was on the other end. gaeul’s smile grows wider as she puts the caller on speaker. your heart drops to your stomach as soon as you hear the other person’s voice. 

a man. your man. your fucking boyfriend!

“are you there, kim?”

sheer panic courses within you. you tried grabbing gaeul’s hand, but she moves away, pressing a single finger against your lip. and then her mouth moves, but she doesn’t make a sound. trust me, she says silently. you kept still, trusting your best friend to not do anything stupid. of course she wouldn’t put you in any danger just to have fun, but you did worry that she would set your boyfriend off enough for him to do something to her. your heart beats loudly in your chest and goosebumps appear all over your skin. you were terrified beyond comprehension, but gaeul’s soft caresses and reassuring eyes comfort you, even just a little bit.

“what do you want?” gaeul asked, annoyed that he just had to interrupt the two of you. her hand once again travels downwards your body until she reaches your cunt. she traces your lips before inserting the smallest length of her two fingers, making you bite back a moan.

“where’s (y/n)? why isn’t she answering her phone?”

gaeul grins and plunges her fingers deep inside you, she couldn’t hold back a quiet laugh as she watched you choke out a moan. you immediately covered your mouth, pitifully glaring at your best friend but not being completely mad at her. her fingers felt too good inside you—staying perfectly still just to get you to get used to the feeling until she starts moving, slow and steady as if she herself was savoring the feeling of your cunt clench around her digits.

“what was that? is that her? are you fucking my girlfriend?!”

gaeul cackles, “you wouldn’t know what (y/n) sounds like when being fucked even if you’re the one fucking her.” she increases her pace, even nodding towards you to get you to relax and just keep trusting her because she could feel your fear. it made her angry. no one should claim to be your partner if they made you feel so afraid of them. you shouldn’t have to beg for them for their time and love either. if gaeul had known that this was what everything from back then would lead up to, then she would’ve intervened when you and your boyfriend were still just acquaintances. but there was no point in dwelling on that because she has the opportunity to make this all right.

and the correct ending to all of this was her freeing you from him, him ending up all alone, and the two of you figuring out what to do with each other.

“you bitch! i swear to god if that’s (y/n)—”

“—i’m not fucking my best friend, shithead. you should start worrying more about the fact that she’s refusing to call your lacking ass back.” gaeul watches you intently as you slowly lose most of yourself to her. moving your hips accordingly, meeting her little thrusts with eagerness that only got gaeul herself drenched. you tugged on gaeul’s top, silently asking her to get off the call already and just fuck you. and that you didn’t have to ask her twice, of course. while your boyfriend kept yelling at her, gaeul ends the call before blissfully dropping her phone to the ground.

you don’t know what came over you, but all of a sudden you wanted to see your best friend under you. tugging her down harder, catching her lips with yours in a searing kiss… feeling sick satisfaction in you when she stiffened at your sudden surge of passion, and using her shock to flip your positions over. gaeul pulls her fingers out, putting them on your hips instead and trying to keep up with the way you kissed her feverishly.

“you’re cute…” gaeul whispers, thoroughly entertained by you. ugh, those eyes. that nose, her perfect moles, her smile, that mouth… fuck. you have to feel her lips on your pussy again but this time… you wanted to be in control. you smile at your best friend as you swipe your thumb across her lips before getting in position.

“holy shit, (y/n)—”

“—shut up, man.” you cut her off with your face so warm you think you might explode. she didn’t look like she was turned off by the idea. in fact, gaeul places her hands on your thighs, looking more excited than she has ever been this entire time. “t-tell me if i’m hurting you… or anything.” you said. gaeul merely nods, eyes focused on your core. you were going to say a few more words, maybe tell her that you haven’t sat on anyone’s face in a while so you might be bad at this but gaeul couldn’t wait another second. she pulls you down, and the sound that escapes your lips when her nose bumps against your clit was simply criminal.

“ffuck…! oh, g-god…!” with one hand tightly gripping the headboard and the other holding onto a random pillow, you start riding gaeul’s face. and again, she was moaning. as if a better flavor has never graced her tongue until she got to taste you. gosh, the way you threw your head back and let every lewd sound fill the air as you rode her got gaeul clenching, but she couldn’t keep her hands off of you either. she squeezed your thighs, almost as if she was encouraging you to go faster and just use her.

“mmhgn… so good… more, please..” letting go of the pillow and the headboard, you put your hands on gaeul’s head. you ride her faster, focused on pleasing yourself and chasing another orgasm while gaeul does her work with her tongue. it was getting harder and harder to hold herself back from touching her own pussy; she was too drenched and you were simply too delicious. at this rate, she might just cum untouched! the idea of it was humiliating almost, but gaeul figured that if she made you cum hard enough then you wouldn’t even realize what had happened to her. but then again… why would she go through all that trouble?

with one hand, gaeul reaches down and unzips her jeans, sliding further down and massaging her clit through her panties. of course, you don’t see this. you don’t even hear gaeul over the sound of your whimpering and moaning—all you wanted was to use her mouth to get yourself off. you managed to open your eyes slightly, however, and looked down at gaeul. her eyes were shut off, eyebrows furrowed deeply as she diligently ate out and fingered herself at the same time. 

you heart swells as you allow yourself to etch every single facial feature of hers in your mind. you didn’t think you’d find a more fitting place for your best friend. it turns out she looked good underneath you, too! when you got distracted by admiring gaeul’s face, you felt a sting on your ass. you gasped loudly, and although it caught you off guard, you liked it. you moved your hips enthusiastically as gaeul squeezed your ass, now glaring at you to intimidate you to keep going. and it works! well, it’s not like you were going to stop just like that.

“p-pretty… you belong right here…” you said, gripping her hair tighter. gaeul moans at your words and she feels herself only clenching tighter around her own fingers. she didn’t expect to get so turned on by merely fucking you and hearing you talk to her in such a different way than usual. she pushes her tongue inside your cunt, making you scream in pleasure. gaeul’s ears ring at the sound of your voice—she was sure now that you wouldn’t dare go back to that pathetic boyfriend of yours.

you were hers now. and she has always been yours.

“gaeul… babe, i’m cumming—god…!” with one last thrust on your best friend’s face, you came. moaning blissfully in the air as gaeul allowed you to ride your orgasm out, and while she laps up your cum as best as she could, she hits a satisfying climax which grants you the perfect chance to hear a cute squeak from her. gaeul removes her hand from her panties and holds you down on her face, not entirely satisfied to let you go even though she can see that you can barely keep yourself sitting. that wasn’t going to be a problem anymore though as gaeul once again flipped your positions so you would be sitting on the bed and she would still be in between your legs.

“mmh… stop, i’m tired… please.” you shake your head weakly, gently tapping gaeul’s hand. fortunately enough, your best friend respected your wishes and stopped, opting to scoop you up in her arms instead and hug you. you laughed at how much of a mess you made on your best friend’s face, wiping all of it clean with your hands before giving her a quick kiss. gaeul doesn’t forget to get rid of her pants before staying completely still in bed with you, staring at nothing but your pretty face for minutes on end.

you think you fell asleep a couple of times, and you ended up always opening your eyes to gaeul smiling dumbly at you like a lovesick puppy. if you had known gaeul allowed herself to see you in such a different light, then you wouldn’t have wasted time trying to fall in love with a boy who did nothing good for you. but no matter, you were going to leave him, and finally, you and your best friend can work towards a more fulfilling relationship for the two of you.

“i always knew it’d be you in the end.” gaeul whispers as she leaves the tiniest and sweetest kisses on your knuckles.

the tiniest bits of fear settled in the pit of your stomach—you didn’t want your boyfriend to find out about this at all. you wanted to protect gaeul and dump his ass with as much as peace as you can manage, but you know he was going to bring her up somehow. at the end of the day, the blame should be put on you since you were the one who allowed gaeul to make those advances towards you anyway… but you knew all too well that that wouldn’t stop your boyfriend from coming up with an excuse to try and confront your best friend.

but every time you dwelled on those thoughts, gaeul somehow notices it and keeps your eyes on her. she knew she would be able to pull your attention to something else and that she does rather effortlessly. and you knew that you would be safe, as long as you were with her.

you laugh at her words, “i’m glad that you didn’t fuck me just because i’m hot and you hate my boyfriend.” you joked, earning a playful slap on the shoulder.

“no, stupid,” gaeul pulls you closer by your waist, kissing your nose. “i love you.”

[miryum]

"Halloween"

Summary: Detective!Jason Todd x detective!Reader based on Jake and Amy's relationship

Series Warnings: Swearing, descriptions of violence (but nothing descriptive), guns and other police stuff

Series Masterlist

“I- I don’t like Halloween.” Tim manoeuvred around a packed, crazed precinct. “Especially in Gotham. So many people in weird costumes doing weird shit that we have to fix.”

“The holding cell’s completely full,” Jason called from where he was pushing a Raggedy Ann into the folds of costume. Raggedy Ann blew him a kiss and Jason stalked over to his desk opposite Y/n’s. “So many people have slipped me their phone numbers or thought I was a stripper.”

“Seems like you should follow your true calling then, Jaybird,” Y/n said. “You’d make an excellent stripper.” She winked dramatically at him and said, “I’d be first in line to see you.” 

Before Jason could cuss Y/n out, Steph said, “Seriously, we need to do something about the prisoners. We’ve already had to separate Kim Jong-Un and Hillary Clinton.”

Y/n was walking past the holding cell when she noticed a Hillary Cilton practically in the lap of a Kim Jong-Un, sucking his face off. “Hey! Hey!” She barged through the door and attempted to pull Hillary off. “Come on, now! What would Bill think? I mean,” she paused and muttered, “he kind of deserves it, but you could do so much better than Kim Jong-Un.”

“And… who are you supposed to be?” Jason squinted at Cass. 

“Dude, it’s kinda obvious.” Y/n said, “The entire precinct’s got a theme going on. It was decided in the group chat.”

Cass was dressed in an orange jumpsuit, a pillow shoved in for her stomach. She wore large, comical glasses that looked like she’d bought them for three dollars at a convenience store. Y/n, on the other hand, was in a yellow shirt with thick denim overalls, as were Tim, Steph, and Damian. Tim seemed disgruntled about it, while Damian sat reclined in his chair, taking it with pride. 

“Minions!” Dick called out loudly, silencing the precinct. He was in black jeans and a sweater. Around his neck, he wore an iconic scarf and a bald cap was thrown haphazardly over his hair. “Tonight, we steal… ze moon!” He threw his arms up and Y/n jumped up, cheering. 

“Ze moon! Ze moon!” Steph clapped along and Damian pumped his fist lazily. Tim just sighed and covered his face with his hands. “I was blackmailed into this,” he whispered.

“Oh my gosh, I work with idiots.” Jason sat back in his chair. 

“Attention,” Wayne strode into the bullpen. “I need two detectives to go undercover at a Halloween party where we suspect there will be a transition of drugs and illegal behaviour.”

“It’s like he was born on a thesaurus,” Y/n whispered. 

“Brown and Drake, you’re already in costume. I’m assigning you two to the case.” Tim groaned at his Captain's words, but nodded anyway. He couldn’t disobey his superior. 

“Drake,” Steph looped her arm through his, dragging him to the elevator. “I know you hate Halloween, even though it’s one of the greatest holidays, but I’ll make it the best.” 

“Can you make everyone kind, sober, and fully clothed? Tim asked desperately. 

“Kind, sober, and fully clothed!” Y/n shouted out. “Title of Jason’s sex tape!” 

Jason gawaffed. “I wasn’t even in this conversation!” 

Y/n exhaled and said, “Yeah, but I already tease Timmy-boy enough. He needs a break. However, I haven’t filled my quota for bugging you today.”

“I feel like your quota for teasing me is much higher than anyone else’s.” 

“Yes,” Y/n nodded. “Yes, it is.” 

“Listen up, dorks!” Y/n paraded into the bullpen, wearing a GCPD jacket over her costume. “I just arrested my first Halloween idiot! He was trying to rob a bank but had a… heh. Little bit of trouble getting away.” 

A man dressed in a large banana suit was stuck in the doorframe of the bank. Y/n couldn’t hold back her laughter as she tried to arrest him. “Trying to ‘split,’ huh? But I’m sure you’ll get out on ‘a peel.’ You have the ‘ripe’ to remain silent.” She snickered before saying, “I’m so glad you’re stuck! I’ve got a million of these! Wait, no, no! Don’t touch the money!”

“I swear, some of these perps are so stupid. I’d make a better criminal than any of them. And the best part is, none of you would be able to catch me!” 

Jason scoffed as Captain Wayne said, “That’s unrealistic. I’m one hundred percent sure you’d get caught.”

“Oh, ho, ho! Chall-enge accep-ted.” She sounded the words out slowly, placing her hands on her hips accusingly.

“I didn’t issue a challenge. There was no challenge. Where did you hear a challenge?” Wayne shrugged, his arms crossed.

Y/n hummed, thinking. “What’s the most valuable thing in your office?”

“My medal of valour,” Wayne replied instantly.

“Oh my god, you’re such a nerd. Fine. Okay. I bet that by midnight tonight, I can steal it from your office.”

“And why would I possibly agree to that?”

Y/n sang out, “because if I lose, I'll work the next five weekends, no overtime. And I won't tell anyone about the time I saw you wearing shorts outside of work. But if I win…” She rocked back on her heels, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

“You won't,” Wayne cut her off.

“You have to do all my paperwork tonight, the busiest and spoooookiest night of the year. Oh! And you must publicly state that I am an amazing detective-slash-genius.”

Wayne raised a brow, intrigued. ”And this won't interfere with you doing your job?”

“You mean my job as an amazing detective-slash-genius? No, it will not.”

Wayne hummed and his eyebrows lifted by half a centimetre. “I'm considering it... I'm interested. I agree to participate.” He held out a hand and Y/n giddily shook it.

“Hey, Damian? Dami? We don’t talk much anymore. How are you? Did you get a haircut? How’s Titus? What’s the Captain's schedule? I love you, bestie!”

Damian glanced up at her, unaffected. “I’m not going to assist you with your scheme. I am Captain Wayne’s assistant; a job I take incredibly seriously.”

“You’re literally making paper knives out of police reports.”

“How else am I to stab someone?”

“More like give them a harsh paper cut.” Y/n whined, “come on, Dami! Please, help me out here!”

His gaze was piercing. Quietly, he finally muttered, “he has a meeting downstairs in ten minutes.”

“I love you! I love you! Thank you so much!”

A while later, Captain Wayne was in his office and suddenly spoke to the air, “Are you in my ceiling, L/n?

There was a pregnant pause before a voice filtered through the vents. “No?”

Wayne seemed unimpressed. “So what's the plan? You wait for me to leave my office, lower yourself down, take my medal, and win the bet?”

“Die Hard meets Mission Impossible,” Y/n snickered before remembering her place and tutting, “who are you talking to? There's no one up here!”

“L/n, just so you know, right now, I am taking my medal off the wall and placing it in a locked safe whose combination is known only to me. The safe, in turn, is locked in the cabinet. The only key to that cabinet is on my person.” True to his words, Wayne did as he was saying. ”I'm off to my meeting. Good luck with your plan.”

Y/n cried out, “you think that scares me, fool? I laugh in the face of adversity!” She waited a moment before asking timidly, ”Are you still there? Captain, are you still there? I can't hear... Ack!” Suddenly, the ceiling fell from beneath her and in a crumble of dust and plaster, she collapsed on the floor. “Ow.”

“Oh, geez, what happened to you guys?” Jason asked Steph and Tim, the latter who was covered in runny eggs. Steph seemed to be unharmed. Dick stood up in surprise.

“We got egged,” Tim said flatly. “Some pieces of shell got in my contacts and my underwear.”

“Ooh, very hot,” Y/n snickered, swaying where she stood. Jason held a hand out to steady her. 

“I wish I was dead,” Tim grumbled.

“I’m doing great!” Steph squealed. “I’ve made four new friends. How’s the unwinnable bet going?”

“So little faith, Stephanie,” Y/n sighed. “On one hand, I fell through a ceiling. On the other hand, I think I bruised my brain.” She cupped her face in her hands, muttering nonsense about how brains look like loofahs.

“Look, Y/n,” Dick said carefully. “I love you like one of my daughters.”

“Aww, you do?” Y/n cooed.

“Yes, and I need to look out for you like them. You’re all irresponsible and need constant supervision. But this bet isn’t about you. It’s about Captain Wayne. That man is a genius. He’s had your number at every turn.”

“Well, not this day... Turn... time,” she stuttered. ”Sorry, I'm pretty sure I had a concussion back there! Jason, please catch me.” Jason leapt forward and cradled Y/n to his chest when she started falling backward. “Ooh, strong one,” she mumbled incoherently as he gently set her down in her chair.

“Damian.” Wayne walked up to his assistant and asked, “could you please decipher L/n’s handwriting? I believe the concussion is affecting her. She and Cain arrested a group of Royal Babies, but I’m unsure of what for.”

Damian took the paper and inspected it. “The Royal Babies were attempting to rob a small bakery. Being able to read Y/n’s handwriting is a gift. A useless gift, but still one nonetheless.”

“Pardon me, Damian.” Captain Wayne turned to a nearby janitor who was emptying Jason’s trash. “Nice costume, L/n.” 

The janitor cleared their throat and said in a deep, faux voice, “no L/n here. Just a random janitor pushing trash around.”

“L/n.”

Y/n spun around, a sheepish smile on her face. Jason hid a snicker as Y/n awkwardly said, “hey, Captain! What’s up?”

“You thought this was going to work?” Bruce hummed. 

“It did work!” Y/n scoffed. “This… was supposed to fail. It’s like chess. Sometimes, in order to win, you have to sacrifice your king.”

Jason’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “That’s how you lose chess. Have you ever played?”

“Uh, yeah!” she put a hand on her hip. “My Uncle Dave taught me!”

“Come on, lass! Even girls need to know how to shoot!”

“You’re slightly misogynistic, Uncle Davey, but I love you anyway!” A much younger Y/n propped up a handgun and carefully shot a number of chess pieces lined up on a faraway bench.

“Atta girl!”

“I expected better of you, L/n.” Captain Wayne shook his head. “You could’ve created a diversion to distract me from your terrible costume.”

“I had a diversion!” Y/n stomped her foot. “There was just a slight timing issue…” Just then, a nearby trash can lit up in a brilliant fire. “Whoops?” Y/n shrugged.

“Come on, Tim!” Steph threw her hands up in the midst of a party. “You look like such a cop! Have some fun, you know? It'll help you blend in!”

Tim stood stoically on the dance floor, not moving a muscle. “Stop trying to get me to love Halloween. It'll never work. Hey, heads up!” He noticed a man swap drugs for money with someone else. “I'll cut 'em off at the exit!”

Steph whirled around, instantly forgetting about the party. “Move! Move, move!”

The pair raced after the culprits and Tim cursed when he found the pack of drugs abandoned on the floor. “He ditched the drugs. I'm on it.” Tim shifted through partygoers and spilled drinks. “Ew… it’s sticking to me. Ugh! What is that? How is it hot and cold? Stephanie, help!”

“Hey, Cap-i-tan?” Y/n called from the bullpen. “Can you come out here for just one teeny weeny second?”

Bruce sighed and rubbed his temples, but did as his detective requested. “Do you need something, L/n?”

“Why yes, yes I do. Hit it, Royal Babies!” Y/n shouted out and at her command, all the Royal Babies marched into the bullpen. They began walking around randomly, swarming Captain Wayne, and throwing key chains around. Wayne just rolled his eyes and returned to his office. He found Y/n hunched over the cabinet drawer, attempting to copy Wayne’s keys. “Wha…. no!” Y/n groaned in frustration, slamming her fist down on the desk. “Ow…” She shook her hand out.

“Give me my keys, please.”

“Can you just stop catching me?” Y/n whined, “do you know how much I spent on key chains?”

“Probably around twenty-three dollars,” Captain Wayne said instantly. 

“That is unbelievably close and scary,” Y/n admitted. “Twenty-two dollars and seventy six cents.”

“Keys,” Wayne demanded.

“Okay, okay, look.” Y/n stood up, an embarrassed smile plastered on her face. “Tonight has been a tiny bit humiliating. Things aren’t going well, so what do you say we call off this silly little bet and pretend this whole thing never happened?”

“Oh, no no no,” Wayne let out an unusual chuckle. “I’m not letting you off the hook.” 

“What? Pffft. No… I’m giving you an out so you can save face.”

Wayne shook his head. “This is getting sad.” 

Y/n scoffed and tossed him his keys, sauntering out the door. “Uh, yeah. For you.”

“Captain,” Tim knocked on Wayne’s opened door. “Sorry to interrupt, but, uh, some officers just arrested L/n.

Bruce blinked. “What?”

“They caught her scaling the side of the building with a blowtorch.” Tim shook his head, still not understanding how Y/n managed to find a blowtorch and climb the building in the first place. Wayne just sighed in response. 

In the interrogation room, Wayne found Y/n handcuffed to the table. Knowing her, she had probably asked for the handcuffs.

“Welcome to the endgame.” Y/n tried to spread her hands ominously, but the handcuffs harshly pulled her back. “Ohh, that hurt. Forgot I was wearing those.”

“What the hell were you thinking, L/n?” Wayne shook his head, sitting down opposite Y/n.

Y/n inhaled through her teeth, trying to look ashamed. “I was thinking I had better core strength. I got winded, like, ten feet up.”

“I have to admit,” Wayne said. “I expected better of you. You have five minutes until your deadline, and yet, here you are, handcuffed to a table, in a locked room.”

“Which is precisely where I planned on being.” Y/n smiled sinisterly. “You remember when I pretended to be Herman, the janitor?”

“Yes, it was mere hours ago. And I caught you as Herman.”

Y/n wagged her finger. “But you didn't catch Cass! As it turns out, she’s great at picking locks!”

Cass crouched by Captain Wayne’s desk, carefully and quickly picking the lock as Y/n distracted him.

“Of course, I needed a way to get her out of your office without you noticing. Y/n explained, “so I created a diversion. Not a mistimed one… a perfectly timed one so Cass could escape.”

A fire burned in the trash can that caught Captain Wayne’s attention. Cass somersaulted out of his office.

“But you needed a way into the safe,” Wayne reminded her.

“And I got it. You were so concerned with getting your keys back, you didn't even notice the sergeant stealing your phone. That's right, even Dick is on my side! Then, Jason dusted your screen cover for prints. The greasiest smudges revealed the four numbers you use the most…” Y/n leaned back in her chair. “Based on your advanced age, I assumed that you use the same passcode for everything.”

Wayne conceded, “that would be a fair assumption.”

“It was at that point that I made fun of Jason for reading some sappy romance book.”

Wayne raised a brow. “And how is that a part of your masterplan?”

Y/n shrugged. “It wasn't. It just ruled. And that brings us to five minutes ago, when Tim barged into your office and told you I’d been arrested. I knew he’s the only one you’d believe because, frankly, he’s too lame to partake in these things.” Y/n grinned sharply and continued, “And as you walked over here, Stephanie crawled into the ceiling, using the hole I so cleverly left behind to enter your office. We had the four numbers for your code, which meant there were twenty-four possible combinations for Steph to try. That would take up to four minutes, which is why I really dragged out this explanation.” Wayne shook his head in disbelief and sat back in his chair. Y/n chuckled and kept rambling, “I mean, really stretched it. I don't know if you noticed, but there were times where I was like, what am I even talking about? I could make a career out of this! Professional monologuer.” The beeping of a timer interrupted her. “Oh! But now, four minutes is up. Which means Stephanie is either on the other side of that door holding your medal, or I've lost.” She pointed towards the interrogation door and simply smiled.

Captain Wayne stared at her a moment longer with a look somewhere in between wonder and frustration. Slowly, he stood up and opened the door. Stephanie proudly grinned from the opposite side, holding up his medal of valour. “Just one question,” Wayne started, not bothering to sit back down. “How’d you convince them to help you?”

Y/n chortled. “You think so little of me. Of course, I appealed to their sense of teamwork and camaraderie with a rousing speech that would have Shakespeare begging for my talent.”

Y/n stood atop a chair in the middle of the bullpen and announced in a terrible Scottish accent, “For too long, we thee have been ridiculed, pushed around, and put down. But I say no more! For today, thee shall defeat the mad king and win our thine country back!”

“How did you actually do it?” Bruce gave Y/n a knowing glare.

“Unfortunately, my speech did not work.” Y/n sighed and continued speaking as if she hadn’t heard the Captain. “The sixty-sixth precinct has no sense of honour and solidarity. Maybe we should start doing team-building activities… Anyway, I bribed them. Told them I would do their paperwork.” She gave her superior a shit-eating grin. “And cause you’re doing my paperwork,” she sang, letting him come to the same conclusion.

Wayne huffed a laugh. “Well played L/n. Well played.” 

He slowly exited the room, leaving Y/n to cry out, “Captain? Hey, Captain? Are you gonna unlock me?” She rattled the handcuffs. “Captain?!” Eventually, Jason came in to help her (not before taking many pictures).

Later that night, Wayne gathered everyone in the briefing room and swallowed his pride. “Y/n L/n is an amazing detective-slash-genius.” Y/n mouthed along to the words. “And if you’ll excuse me, I have some paperwork to do.”

Captain Wayne sat in his office, surrounded by paperwork. However, instead of beginning, he opened a pad of paper and wrote: Halloween 2

[locomoqo]

I love your writing girlie 🫶. Can I request Jake Kim x ex-gf reader who visits him in prison and she catches feelings again. Thank you

maybe this time

— jake kim x gn!reader

details: kind of angstyyy?

A/N: jake can act nonchalant all he wants, it won't work !!

It had been months since Jake last saw you. The first time you visited him in juvie, you fought—angry words exchanged, both too stubborn to back down. You broke up that day. Jake convinced himself it was for the best, that you didn’t belong in his world. But deep down, the memory of you walking away still stung.

Now, as he sat in the visitation room waiting, a familiar unease crept in. He wasn’t expecting you today. In fact, he hadn’t expected to see you ever again. Jerry had asked you to come, but Jake didn’t think you actually would.

Then the door opened, and there you were.

For a moment, neither of you said anything. You stood there, looking at him with the same eyes he remembered so well—the ones that used to light up whenever you two spent even a second together. But now, there was something different, more hesitant. You sat down across from him, and both of you just… stared.

“Jerry told me you… needed someone,” you began, breaking the silence. Your voice was softer than he remembered, tugging at something inside him.

“I didn’t ask him to do that,” Jake replied, his voice low and guarded, though he couldn’t deny the way his heart tightened at the sight of you. He hadn’t realized how much he missed you until now.

“I know,” you murmured. “But I came anyway.”

The weight of your past hung between you like a heavy curtain. You’d both been through so much—fights, mistakes, misunderstandings. Yet here you were, sitting across from him in this cold, sterile room.

Jake leaned back in his chair, trying to keep his emotions in check. He had changed since the last time you saw each other—he was harder, more distant. The old Jake, who cared about fairness and ideals, was buried under the weight of revenge and survival. But seeing you again... it stirred something inside him.

“Why?” he asked quietly. “After everything, why would you come?” The words felt tight in his throat.

You hesitated, looking down at your hands. “I don’t know, Jake. Maybe because I thought... I thought there was still something left.”

He studied your face, those familiar features that still made his chest ache. There was a vulnerability in your eyes that hadn’t been there the last time you spoke. You weren’t angry like before. This time, it felt like you were searching for something—for him.

“I don’t want you in this life,” Jake said after a long pause. “You deserve better.” The words felt heavy, as though he was pushing them out with all his strength.

“And what if I don’t want better? What if I want you?” Your voice cracked slightly, catching him off guard. The walls he’d built around himself began to crumble, piece by piece.

He didn’t have an answer. All the anger and resentment from your last fight seemed so distant now. What remained was the raw, undeniable pull he still felt toward you.

You sighed softly, running a hand through your hair. “I’m not saying we can fix everything, Jake. I just… I just needed to see you. I thought I’d moved on, but...” Your voice trailed off as your eyes met his.

Jake clenched his jaw, torn between the hardened version of himself and the part that longed to reach out to you, to pull you back into his life.

“I never stopped thinking about you,” he finally admitted, the words rough and honest. “But I didn’t think you’d ever come back.”

“..I didn’t think I would either.” You gave him a small, sad smile.

For the first time in what felt like forever, Jake felt a flicker of hope. It wasn’t much, and he wasn’t sure where your relationship could go from here...but seeing you sitting there, still willing to give him a chance, made the world feel a little less dark.

You both sat in silence for a moment longer before you reached across the table, your fingers pressing against the glass. “Maybe we can figure this out together,” you said softly, your eyes filled with a warmth that made his chest tighten.

Jake’s calloused fingers came up to line up with yours on the glass. Despite the glass being a barrier, it still felt like he was really touching you. The simple act reminded him of everything he had missed. He didn’t know if things could be fixed, but for the first time in a long while, he felt like he didn’t have to face everything alone.

“Maybe,” he whispered, his voice low and rough, but there was a glimmer of something new in his eyes.

Maybe. Just maybe, you two could give it one more shot.

[xenizaation]

permanent

pairing: fem! reader x choi san (ft kim hongjoong)

genre: angst, friends to lovers, smut

general warnings: depictions of a depressive state, mourning of partner, self-blame and slight ptsd

sexual warnings: dirty talk, pet names, manual stimulation, oral sex (f receiving), unprotected sex, creampie,

word count: 12.6k

summary: they say moving on is hard. you find that it's even harder when in the process of it, you have to accept your feelings for your friend as well.

less important a/n: ok so this was supposed to be like 5k long 🙃🙃...chile, anyways. uhm, this came from me bottling my emotions up for the last 5 months and I just wanted to let some of my suffering out in some kind of way. even if it is far from what I feel (I feel the need to specify that the events related below aren't inspired from my life, happily so). read at your own discretion, for I have tried my best to make you feel horny and miserable at the same time 🥰🥰🥰 stay safe xoxo

a/n from long later: hi i wrote this about a year ago and i found it in my drafts and hey why wouldn't i post it after not posting something in ages? haha. enjoy! altough it's probably rlly bad and full of mistakes hihi, i ain't reading this again to correct it. i love you muah

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The cold air felt like needles poking at your bare skin. You ran as fast as you could, barefoot in the woods, feeling every little scratch that was tearing open the skin of your soles and staining it with fresh blood. Your lungs were holding hostage a fire as you were inhaling the cold night air, and the sweat you felt dribbling down your face and back was only of help to make you feel even colder. You looked behind, once, twice, and then a third time too, slowly reducing your pace until it came to a halt.

"What am I running away from?" you ask yourself looking around. There was nothing, no one after you. So why were you running for your life? Your heart starts to beat faster as you hear screams coming from deep within the trees. But you don't run. You can't run anymore. You just fall to the ground, embracing your knees to your chest.

"Me!"

You don't turn around. That voice is way too familiar to make you turn around. Your mouth hangs open as you try to scream but no sound comes out as your muffled moans remain drowned in the deepest point if your throat.

You gasp for air as you wake up shaking your head relentlessly, in order to try to snap yourself back to the reality you're in- so your heart would stop beating so damn fast. You groan as you look over at the watch on your nightstand and see it spell 3:37 AM. You grab your phone from next to it and shut your eyes closed at the sudden brightness the screen displays. You manage to decrease it and open your contacts.

"Still awake?" you ask, and you know you shouldn't. He always offers you more than you can give back, more than you deserve. But you can't help yourself. You cannot deny yourself the little peace you still have in your life.

"Yeah, wassup?"

"Can you call?" you hit send and it's a matter of seconds between him receiving the message, him reading the message and then his name popping up on your screen. You answer.

"Again?" San questions from the other end of the phone. You only hum in affirmation. He sighs softly as you lay down on your side, phone trapped between your ear and the pillow. You hear the clicking of the keyboard and mouse clearly, he must be working late again. And yet he always answers. More than many people you've met did for you.

"Tell me a story." you ask once again. For the...well you've lost count.

"You know, one day I'm going to be out of stories," he answers and lets out a chuckle. Bathing in your silence, he takes his time to think about what he could tell you. As he begins, you close your eyes and imagine whatever he is helping you picture inside your head. Be it the times when he was a little kid and used to walk with his grandparents down the side of a river, or the times he was a teen and was always struggling to get out of trouble, San always gave you a vast amount of details that made you worship his each and every story. And they always made you dream something pretty when you dozed out of consciousness with him still talking on the other end. This night was no exception, so when you wake up, you send him a text that expresses your gratitude as always.

"Listen, if you still want a contract renewal you need to publish something within next year," you look at your boss and feel every word he lays out weighing your body down like you're going to fall through the floor. "I get writer's block, I really do. And we gave you time. You took your time. But it's been almost two years now..." his words stop reaching your ears as you're reminded. One year, ten months and twelve days. And still counting. The count will never stop, you realize, as the event it started from cannot be reversed. You will always be stuck in a period of time since it happened.

"You're one of the biggest names here in our publishing house, Y/N. We don't want to lose you but at the same time we can't keep focusing on you if it will be to no avail." he is right. He is always right, your boss. Always had a strategic mindset, and that always helped both of you. Except now. Now he was asking for something you couldn't offer.

"I'm sorry," you manage to blurt out. "I'm trying my best and I know it's not enough." if you had to be honest, hearing yourself say those words out loud made your heart break even more that it already was. Partly because it was true, and the rest? Because it sounded like you were asking for compassion, which you thought was pathetic. You never liked people looking at you the way you caught yourself looking at homeless individuals.

"I'm gonna get something out, ok? I promise you, just please have a little more faith in me. I need you to trust me to be able to do this."

You look up and make eye contact with him. Park Seonghwa was never one who showed compassion. But as his gaze traced over your fingers picking at your cuticles, the dryness of your lips and the shadows of your hollowed eyes, you felt something you grew too accustomed with in the last almost two years of your life.

Pity.

"Come on, let me take you out on Thursday." San pleaded as he was following in your steps down the hallway of the company you worked in. You didn't expect your little trip to talk to your boss would end with this. "You literally have nothing to lose." He completed and you stopped, facing him. You met his familiar and comforting eyes, which always reminded you of a cute fox, and his dimpled smile as he watched you keenly. It has been almost four years since he started working at the same company you did, but since the beginning, you two were more than just work colleagues. It was the type of connection where you would understand each other from simple looks into the other's eyes or where you could easily finish each other's sentences. You liked to consider him your platonic soulmate but you knew that if you hadn't had a relationship at the time you two met, you would've have surely gone out together and maybe made a good couple.

Well...now you didn't have a relationship anymore but you weren't exactly in the right headspace for one.

By now, you and all the rest of your workmates knew how big of a crush he had on you, but you never let it get out of control. You were feeling kind of guilty, to be honest. Knowing that in a way, you were using it to your advantage for your sleepless nights or the ones in which sleep was ruined by nightmares. But you were sure he was getting his benefits from it as well.

"Look, I want to but I really don't wanna be a bitch to you if I suddenly feel like shit." you reply, and in all honestly, it was true. Your mood hasn't been so stable lately, understandably so.

"Well, how about this: if you wake up in a good mood on Thursday and decide it's okay to hang out, you text me, and we do whatever you feel comfortable with. And if we do go out and do something together and you end up feeling like shit then you'll tell me and I'll get you home in the fastest way possible for a human being. How does it sound?"

Not bad. He is giving you every little piece of comfort that you knew you needed but you never asked for. So you agree. It wouldn't be the first time you hang out with San, sure, you never called them dates, because to you they were not. But you knew that for any outsider it looked exactly like that. And who is to blame? You two always worked hand in hand just so well. These no-pressure type of meet-ups you two had always made you feel comfortable so that was why you were considering it this time as well.

Days pass and you spend them stuck in your home, drowning in your bitter memories and your regrets. The taste of guilt never becomes sweet, you think. Not like how alcohol does when you drink more and more of the same kind. No. Guilt only grows in bitterness and in how it burns down your throat, feeling like it swirls all of your insides once it reaches your stomach. In a way, guilt feels like the long estranged sister of love. Both let their essence hover in your mind for however long they like.

As you rise from your bed to make some hot coffee you think of what day it is. Between the mix of reliving the moments long gone in the same apartment you still stand, and the countless intents to come up with something that you could present to your boss, you didn't know which one made you lose track of time more. You checked your phone for a bit of clarity. No new messages or notifications. At this point, everyone knew better than to bother you with their worries.

Thursday.

Well, seems like you had to cancel out on someone, you thought as you tried grabbing the coffee pot on the stove, but lost in your thoughts, you pay no attention to the handle and drop the pot on the kitchen tiled floor as soon as you feel the skin on your palm burn. You swore and quickly took a few steps back so the burning coffee on the ground wouldn't get to your bare feet. You shook your hand trying to get a cold breeze to the inflamed skin but it only made it feel worse. As you stopped to look at the damage you realized it wasn't all that bad, but it sure stung like a motherfucker. You ran your hand under the cold water of the sink and looked to your right. The brown liquid on the ground was expanding, getting in every little crevice in between the tiles.

****

Coffee was getting everywhere. It splashed on the kitchen counters, it was slowly getting under them too. You froze for a few seconds after your mug made contact with the floor, shattering to dozens of pieces.

"Well, that can't be a good sign." your lover said from behind you finishing with a low chuckle. You smiled, turning on your heels and taking in his form. You woke him up, well, the mug woke him up actually. Approaching you slowly, with a slight limp in his walk and his shoulders dropped all the way down, his hair was fluffed up and his skin a nice shade of pale with a few lines from the pillow on his left cheek. He always looked so angelic, you never could put it into words, how it made you feel, seeing him first thing in the morning. It was something that made your insides crazily stir up but made gave you a sense of tranquility, at the same time. That was how loving him usually was. Two opposite sides walking hand in hand. He grabbed you by the waist and pulled you closer to him, softly pressing his lips against the crown of your head. You joined your hands behind his torso and inhaled deeply. Your heart skipped a beat as your lungs felt intoxicated with his smell.

"Today is the big day, huh?" his voice was still hoarse as he spoke, every word of his drumming in your ears. You nodded.

"I'm really nervous." you answered and let your forehead drop against his shoulder. He hugged you tighter with the hand around your waist and gently pat your head with the other.

"I know, angel. But it's gonna be alright, ok? Your friends will be there, your parents will be there and I will be there. You can lean on me." he said kissing your cheek. "You know that, don't you?" his face right in front of yours, you responded with nothing more than a slow kiss. A kiss that was rehearsed so many times before that your lips and tongues already knew what they had to do, how they had to move around each other. Sometimes it felt like a dream, how everything came so easy with Hongjoong. How you didn't have to think twice about what you wanted from him and with him. And for all you knew, and all he had shown you across the time spent together, he didn't do that either. Every morning next to him felt like the luckiest one, and every night with him ended just the same. And you knew that if you were to live a hundred more years alongside him, you still wouldn't get enough of his embraces, or kisses or just simply him. There was nothing in the world that could cure the insatiable love you felt for the man in front of you.

As he pulled away from the kiss he gestured with his head behind you. "Now how about I clean the mess you made, and you make coffee for both of us? We have a book launch to attend, after all." you laughed and kissed him again.

*****

As your breath got heavier and your eyes started to burn up you unconsciously took your phone from the kitchen counter.

"a picnic would be perfect" you text your friend. The desire to get out of the prison your house has become, growing bigger by the second.

"Tell me if this isn't an appropriate question," you heard the man next to you say, derailing your train of thought as you directed your attention towards him. The weather is hot today, it really was a good call, suggesting a picnic. You haven't been on one in a long while and you missed feeling of how the calm of the nature overwhelmed most of your senses. Also, you couldn't handle a complicated social situation on this day. So it was perfect right now, laying on a blanket, stranded in a flower freckled field with none other than San. You turn your head towards him. " What made you want to go out today?" he completed, not looking at you. He was laying on his back, with one arm under his head and his eyes closed, as if he feared the reaction you were going to have to his words. You didn't blame him for asking. In a similar situation where the roles would be reversed, you knew for sure you would ask too. After all, you and San were made of many of the same things. " Don't get me wrong, I'm happy you agreed, but it didn't seem like you would." he adds.

"Some days my house feels like a torture chamber." you say turning on your side and facing him, supporting your head on your angled arm. He was so still, you could barely even notice the way he slowly breathed in and out. It was as if the sun was painting his portrait and he was afraid to move, to not mess it up. Every ray that was falling on his exposed skin seemed to caress him the way a lover does.

"And some days it does its job." you completed after returning on your position on your back, mimicking his. "Today just didn't felt like one of the days I'd like to be tortured." you finished and felt his gaze on you right before you closed your eyes. If you thought he seemed worried, you made sure not to address it.

"One time when I was little, I was playing with a friend of mine," you smiled, realizing this is just the beginning of one of his captivating stories. "I don't remember how we got to that point, but he left me in a room and said he was gonna lock me there, and so he got out and he did." a bit darker than what he usually tells you, but still intriguing.

"At first I thought it was fun, that we would take turns locking each other in the room but he wasn't coming back. The room had only one window but it was locked when I tried to open it and get out. So I just waited. I think hours passed, it was getting dark and I was getting worried and hungry, thought I'll be stuck there forever, until it crossed my mind. I never even tried to open the door. Turns out it didn't even have a keyhole."

"San, if you're trying to put me to sleep with this one, just know it doesn't really work." you say smirking, still holding your eyes closed as you let the sun bathe your face.

"I'm not, Y/N. I'm trying to tell you that most of the times, the doors aren't locked. We just think that they are." he responds and you open your eyes to look into his. His look is full of compassion, and a bit of sadness that you choose to overlook. You finally understand what he means to tell you and you realize he is right. But even if a door isn't locked, you shouldn't open it unless you're ready to do so. You gently touch the back of his hand, and he is quick to caress your fingers with his thumb, changing his focus to where your hands are joined.

"Thank you," your words came out more like a whisper than you would've liked. "I know I don't do much for you...but I'm hoping I'm not that much of a nuisance, like I feel I am." he turns his hand, joining his fingers with yours and making eye contact with you. The simple gesture of affection made your head dizzy in a way you haven't felt in a long time. Your heart creaks up a little.

"You couldn't be one even if you tried," he said, his gaze lazily tracing the outlines of your face. You were the most beautiful thing he's ever seen in his life, even now. Even after all the hardships you've been through, and that you're still going through. The adoration his heart held for you never stopped burning, no matter how much he wished for it to do so. For San, loving you was as easy as it sounded and as hard as it could get. Setting his eyes on the bags under your eyes he recalled a memory that stood like a scar on his brain. Your eyes were so dark that day, your eye bags a shade of purple he hadn't seen on any painting quite yet. Your lips were pale and chapped and your skin looked like it lost all its pigment.

Black didn't suit you so well, he thought. Not when it was worn the way you were wearing it then.

But the worst came when it was time to say goodbye. He still remembered your cries and wails and it made the skin on his spine tremble in its place. Could he ever forget how, on that day, you looked like the angel of death?

Now you looked better...like life was coming, little by little, back into your body, and the pure sunlight was definitely helping it. He should let the sun see you more often, he thought.

You pulled your hand from his when you felt like his eyes were analyzing your features for a bit too long. Rising in a standing position, you started examine the insides of the basket he prepared.

"Oh my God! You brought me watermelon!" you shouted loudly as you took the container holding the red pieces of fruit in it. The only thing San could do at your reaction was laugh, throwing his head back to look at the puffed up white clouds.

Four days since you brushed your teeth, three since you showered, two since you changed your clothes, one since you ate, and one year, eleven months and fourteen days since you've last held the love of your life in your arms. But, hey, who's keeping count anyways?

Time loses all its meaning when you confine yourself like you are some dangerous animal meant to be locked up in a cage. Between the moments you try to stay awake and the ones you try to sleep, you have little to remember. The only thing that gives a little light to the fog in your brain is San. His stories in the middle of the night, conversations you happen to have during the day and occasional meetings that you're always the one to initiate. He always makes you feel good, always picks the right words to say and you don't know how he has the patience for such things. You love and hate him for it. You love him for being such a considerate and kind person, and you hate him for making you forget. It's strange when you get home and reality dumps on you at the front door. The reality you actually live in and not one you indulged yourself to have with San for a few hours. It's just...with him everything is colorful and melodic but when you get home the only thing you hear are your sighs echoing off the walls back into your ears. You wished you could be stuck in the feeling you have around him forever, but at the same time, every time you have that feeling you feel guilty for it. Like it's impossible to allow yourself any sort of break.

The last days have been impossible to get through. All you did was look around at the mess that was around you. A mountain of clothes, waiting to be washed for weeks now, a sink full of dishes and mugs, lots of crumpled sheets on the ground ( proof of all your tries to put something together). Everything was a disaster, inside and out. You had no willpower to do anything about it but you knew that the more you would stay in a shitty space, the more you would feel like shit. So for the first time in months, you opened the window.

*****

He placed the two mugs on the windowsill as he opened the window, allowing the cold breeze of the morning to brush over the exposed skin. He watched you closely as you made sure to turn off the stove and place the coffee pot in the sink. Your eyes met his as you felt the cold air run down your back, giving you shivers. He smiled contentedly at the sight of your body slowly shuddering. The "window" habit was a thing Hongjoong let into the relationship since the beginning of it. It was crazy for you how sometimes you caught him doing it first thing after waking up. You loved to watch him open the window and inhale the morning air with his elbows pressed against the wooden frame. Those moments wouldn't last long, but you treasured them more than he maybe thought about it. There was a thing about this domestic life, and seeing him do his own rituals that had you turn into quite the observer.

"You love to make me cold, don't you?" you smile brightly getting closer and closer, until you reach the space right in front of him.

"Angel, you're so hot in the morning that I'm afraid you might overheat. I need to cool you down a little, don't I?" he says on his usual cheeky tone, the one you grew to love in such little time. As he places his hand on your hip, you take a sip of your coffee. Like your actions served as a reminder of the hot liquid resting in his mug, he does the same.

"I can think of some other ways you could cool me down..." you say as you hook your finger on the front waistband of his pajama pants, sliding it from left to right. He chuckles in his mug and pulls you closer. Your chests rise in unison as you look each other in the eye, you don't say anything but this moment feels like a promise neither of you wants to break.

He looks to his left, at the city and at the people. Taking advantage of the opportunity, you place a few slow kisses on his jaw.

"I want us to find a new place," he says scooping you up as you squeal in surprise. You hook your legs behind his waist instantly while he walks towards the bedroom. "I want a balcony." He completes before kissing you and you laugh into the kiss, thinking of the many ways you two could make use of said balcony. He sure was thinking the same thing you did, giving how he started laughing as well.

His laugh was the only thing you ever wanted to hear again.

*****

You look down at the windowsill and see the brown marks in the body of two circles imprinted on the wooden surface. You always told him to use the damn coasters. Now the wood was stained. Permanently stained. Permanently ruined. Just like you were.

As you get on with cleaning you try to keep your brain busy with thoughts like what you should do after you finish a task, and what you should do after that one is finished as well. You thank yourself for choosing to clean, as you get out of the shower and throw yourself into the bed. Not only does it now smell like flowers, but you're also tired enough for sleep to steal you the minute you close your eyes.

"Ha! Check mate!" San exclaimed from the other side of the table you both were sat at. This was an odd activity that you had never done before. Playing chess, in a park, fully exposed to the summer sun. And you weren't even middle aged. Crazy to see how far the desperation to get out of the house will make someone go. But if it was with San, you were sure that there weren't many place where you wouldn't go.

"Your mind seems to be elsewhere," he said, angling his head innocently like the little puppies do when you tell them not to lick the outlet. His black hair was swooped out of his face, making his cheekbones pop out in a way you didn't think it was more humanly possible.

"Oh, you know damn well I suck at chess, San." you said kicking his queen with your finger. It became clear to him that you were an unfit partner for this game after like, the half of the first match. As the piece made contact with the chessboard, San tittered, making his eyes turn into crescents and his dimples scar his cheeks again.

"You just don't want to learn," he said as he started picking the pawns. You gave him a hand, collecting all the pieces on your side.

"You play the pawns when you still have the queen..." he offered a dramatic sigh as he clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth. True, it was more comfortable to lose with the pawns than with the queen.

"How's the book going?" placing the game of chess in his backpack, he made eye contact with you as he pressed his elbows against the surface in between. You sigh.

"It's not," you admit thinking about all the documents you've erased the last month or every manuscript you tossed in the trash. Nothing was coming together and you hated every word after writing it. Not only was this process driving you mad but it also made you doubt all your abilities as a writer. People would expect more from someone who had a bestseller out there, you thought. But it wasn't your job to rise to anyone's expectation.

"Maybe I was just a one hit wonder." you say smiling sadly. It really did pain you to think that you weren't able to do the sole thing you ever thought yourself good at. But maybe, after you lived in a thousand realities in the past two years (as of today, maybe the reason why you wanted to get out of your home so bad), this was your new one. A reality in which you weren't able to write anymore. Fear was not even close to describe how you felt about the future.

"Don't kid yourself, I know you'll make it eventually." San offers, grabbing your hand in his. "You know, you should be the last person who is hard on yourself." he rubs your hand with his thumb. You wish you could pull away from his touch, or to at least want to pull away. But you don't. His touch is comforting and not a lot of things in your life are that way right now. As you look at him there is a sudden desire to punch yourself in the face, for the only thing that comes through your mind is to thank him again. As you did countless of times before. He did say he grew tired of it.

"You know what I'm in the mood for?" you avoid the subject successfully as he rises his eyebrows, showering you in all his undivided attention. "Drinking my sorrows at a shitty bar." you finish off, painting a big smile on your face. He mirrors it as he sighs through his teeth, letting go of your hand. He notices your intention to avoid talking about anything serious. Anything that might actually help you. You always do it, that is exactly why you talk to him only about nonsense and why, when you call him in the middle of the night (and when he always, always answers) you make him tell you a story. Leaving him to be the only one to talk as you doze off. Never leaving room for him to ask you what is wrong or what you dreamed of. Is how you got on until then, and maybe that is why it went so slowly, the whole "moving on" thing everyone was telling you about. But it was the thing that worked best for you, you figured. Not talking about the elephant in the room got you this far, you can go a little more like that.

"Well, I happen to know the perfect place for that," rising from his seat, he extends his hand towards you. "Shall we?"

You didn't know if it was the alcohol or the bar lights or simply just him. Honestly, you couldn't tell the difference between many things anymore, but as you looked at San talking, you felt more attracted to him than ever. The mole near his eyelid seemed more prominent now, and so did his muscular arms under the fitted shirt he wore, and oh, the freckles painting constellations on his neck. His eyes were sparkling brightly and his teeth were showing from time to time. You looked closely as he licked his lips after taking a sip of his beer. The way he was doing it seemed almost erotic. That one part of your brain that would feel bad for having these thoughts has died when you drank your fourth shot, but you were glad it did. You felt more comfortable now, and with San here, there was not a lot more that you would wish for. Not realistic wishes anyway.

"I need to know which side you stand on," he says angling his body towards yours. "Socks on or off during sleep?" San asks with a serious face, as if he asked if you enjoyed kicking puppies in the face or eating toddlers for dinner. You burst out laughing at the mix of the question and his expression.

"Off, I'm not a psychopath." you answer through your stilled laugh. He frowns.

"Oh no, you're definitely a psycho. Do your feet not get cold?" a bit of frustration could be heard in his voice.

"How would I know? I'm asleep the whole time." you sip from your drink. "Don't tell me you like pineapple on pizza as well..." you plead looking at him.

"And what if I do? It's a good combination! It's like mint chocolate, de-li-cious." San smiles proudly at his outrageous statements. Maybe he is not the person you thought he was. God, he told you so much and yet you still knew so little. That was one of the most intriguing things about him. That you felt like a lifetime wouldn't ever be enough for you to get to know him completely. Like everyday he would pick another thing to like, or something utterly new to do so he doesn't get bored. He always told you how he gets bored of things and people so fast. And yet there he was, still by your side. Maybe you were the mystery he didn't get to solve yet.

"Dude, not toothpaste too.." you cry out as you push his arm, but instead of pushing him, you push yourself. You almost lose your balance off the bar stool, but San's quick reflexes kick in and grab you by the arm, pulling you back in sitting position. He cackles as you try to maintain your balance.

"Maybe we should get you home." he says laying some bills on the bar. You hum in approval and get to your feet as you follow him out of the bar, which was indeed shitty. San is a man of his word.

The walk home was short and calm as you focused more on seeming sober than to what was happening around you. It already got dark as you two strolled past the abandoned streets laughing about things you unwillingly forgot as soon as you finished laughing. This moment, you thought to yourself, is the one that you would remember when a certain song plays. One that will give you the same sensations you feel in this moment. And far away from right now, when you know you will be better, when you listen to that certain song, you'll think wow, so much has changed. That moment could happen 10 days from now, or ten years. You don't know yet. But something about this uncertainty makes you relax somehow, knowing that you still have hope. And most of it is thanks to San. He may not be aware of all the things that he is helping you with, but you are. It's like a mental list that you never stop writing on. Could you ever repay him for any of it?

"Here we are," he says as he places his hand on your shoulder and you take a hold of his arm as he rattles on about not drinking anymore and going to sleep and whatever else he decided to nag you about. Your focus is only on his lips, and then his eyes, and his lips again, and his hand on your arm, and then feeling his arm flexing underneath your touch, and the feeling of being taken care of by someone. You realize you don't want this night to end quite yet.

"Do you wanna come in?" you interrupt, and observe his quick reaction of rapidly shutting his mouth and widening his eyes.

"I could use a live storytelling session right now." you add.

What where you asking for exactly? As you looked at him hesitate for a bit, you weren't sure that you knew either. But after a few seconds of looking around, he hums in approval as he nods and follows you inside your home. It's not as clean as you would wish but not as messy as to apologize for anything. You both take off your shoes and walk into the open space living room. Feeling San's presence close behind you, you turn and signal for him to sit down on the couch as you go to a little counter.

"I have vodka, whiskey and some cherry liquor," you turn your head back towards him. He was sitting on your couch now. But not how someone who entered their friend's apartment for the first time would be expected to sit, no. Because he didn't have that posture of "oh, I don't want to make myself comfortable because my presence here is out of place". No. He looked like he fucking owned the place. Like he payed the bills. Like he chose every single piece of decoration there was inside your home. And you weren't mad about it, if you were being honest. The everlasting confidence that was emanating out his every pore always looked good on him. His legs were spread apart, and you didn't forbid yourself to spend more than a few seconds scanning his thighs, thinking of numerous ways you could make use of them. Prominent Adam's apple marked his throat as his head was thrown back over the backrest. It seemed that he moved in slow motion, lazily pulling his head up and in your direction.

"Glass of whiskey would be nice." he answered through a half pout as his hands splayed even more on the higher edge of the couch. Obeying his orders, you unconsciously let his choice be the one you make as well, so you pour the liquid in two glasses. The strong scent hits you immediately, and you know you won't be able to drink it, the alcohol in your system will reject this on the spot if you dared adventure too far. But you decided back when you invited your friend into your house, tonight was the night you were going to test your limits.

You sit yourself on the couch, next to the man you hide your desire for not so well, closer than you usually would. And he seems to observe regarding the fact that he appears to be leaning a bit into you. Maybe it's in your head. He sips from the glass you hand him, licking his lips again, the gesture he did at the bar seems to be hitting you in a certain, already wet, spot in between your legs as it did a little time ago. He hums right after swallowing the drink, you follow with interest the way his Adam's apple moves up and down. Why is he being so unworldly attractive tonight? Is it really the alcohol or has the sexual tension finally built up enough for you to not be able to take it anymore. You feel an unexpected, but not unwelcomed, ache in your heart and stomach and definitely in your pussy. He places the glass down, with careful fingers, on the table before you and resumes his previous stance, except now one of his hands chooses to rest on the thigh closer to you. You admire it from respectable distance, one which you weren't sure you'd be able to maintain for too long. His hands were clean, nails kept short on his slender long fingers, and the rings adorning them only completed the way his veins were traveling down the back of his palm. Will there ever be a time where you could look at Choi San and not like what you see? Highly doubtful.

"That's some good shit," finally his face catches your attention, and happily so. He looks at you through his lashes, smirking with one corner of his beautiful mouth. You wondered how his lips might feel. On yours, on your neck, your chest, everywhere. "never took you for a whiskey person."

"I'm not," you say through a bittersweet smile and you realize that maybe you really, desperately need the alcohol right now, so you chug some of it down. "it's been laying around." you finish the sentence and then the glass of whiskey and you place it down the table, next to his. The contrast of the glasses, one empty and one half full, makes you amused in some kind of way. It let's you reminiscence of the many times that you heard from a certain someone, how you were always rushed in the most unfit situations. It was true.

As you look back to San, you feel like you are left with no choice than laying on your back and placing your head on his lap. So you do, maybe slower than you feel you move in your drunk-dazed mind. As you nuzzle the back of your head into his thighs, you close your eyes, for your vision was getting blurry and the room slowly spun around.

"You can begin anytime." you sigh out and feel him shifting a bit underneath you. He chuckles lowly and it takes him a few moments to adjust to the situation presented before him, it would be strange to you too. These were exactly the kind of things that you hesitated to do with San, because you partly knew his feelings for you, so you didn't want to give too much water to the well. Exactly the kind of intimacy that would leave room to hope for more, want more.

And not only from his side.

"I met this girl a while ago," he starts and softly places his hand on top of your head, massaging your scalp and slowly pulling at strands of your hair. "she's the whole package. Smart, funny, kind and so fucking hot." , safe to say you don't expect his last words to hit you like they do. A tad bit of jealousy makes its presence felt in the bottom of your heart, thinking that there might be a possibility that he doesn't refer to you. But the slow strokes his fingers offer your head make you feel too good to give it any importance.

"She's got this thing about her, I don't know how to even say it. It's like every time we talk, we knew each other since birth and like the first time we ever met, all at once. It's incredible, really." the way he talked was how you only heard people talk in movies. Hopeless romantic to the very end.

"Sounds like she's got you head over heels." you huff out slightly annoyed.

"Yeah, you'd be shocked," silence following his words, words that had a heartbroken nuance to them. He continues to massage your head and his touch feels so good, so comforting, so familiar. Like he did it every time he saw you, like he at least imagined doing it every time. "she really loves my stories." he adds after what seems to be like forever, and his hand stops, pulling itself out of your proximity. Your eyes shoot open and you find his gaze upon you. At the same time he looks sad, his eyes are also filled with anticipation, of what is to come, of how you would react to the fact that he just confirmed it was you he talked about. You sit up, trying not to let the slight dizziness in your head get the best of you and turn to him. Faces close to each other, studying him one last time before things change between you two. He wants it. And you clearly want it. Both of you so bad that it's not even a surprise how you meet halfway into a kiss. You thank the universe in your head, for it being this way. For you to not beat yourself up too much later that you initiated anything. So you let yourself sink into the feeling of him, his smell intoxicating. You know that it will be hard to not feel it in your lungs for a long time after this, and you were happy for it to be that way. Your lips are shy at first, not used to kissing anymore, not used to someone who hasn't kissed you before. But the feeling is more than pleasant. He takes his time, slowly nipping away at your bottom lip, swiftly pushing his tongue into your mouth. Your teeth clash and you both smile, licking into each other's mouths a bit more. His lips are soft and so warm, this feeling has long been forgotten by your mind. He pulls away and you gasp for air, he reaches to brush the hair out of your face and cups your face gently, looking into your eyes with a glimmer you were sure you haven't seen on him before. But you knew exactly what it meant.

"I don't want it if you don't." he says, assuring you once again that his actions will only be made for your comfort.

"I can't even tell you how bad I want it." your voice soft as it answers, and after receiving your words with wonder on his face, San downs the whiskey left in his glass, only to rush kissing you right after he gulps it down. If the first kiss was both of you navigating uncharted waters, now you were both desiring more. Hungrily devouring each other, whiskey tasted so much better on his tongue. You climbed into his lap as he pulled you closer to his chest. Serving as a reminder, you needed to get that shirt off of him. And as you helped him get rid of it, you weren't even surprised of how he looked even better than what you kept picturing all night. He returned the favor of undressing you of your shirt, and briefly cupped your breasts through your bra as he pulled you into another kiss. His hands quickly running to your waist, pulling you deeper into his lap, feeling him get hard underneath you, moment by moment. One of his palms traveled down to massage your butt cheek through your jeans, and the other quickly moved up to unhook your bra deftly with steady fingers.

"You must be popular with the ladies." you whisper close to his mouth and he chuckles.

"Not with the ones I want." he replies and you jokingly slap his bicep in response. He pulls the bra off throwing it somewhere nearby and admires your chest for a second too long before taking one of your nipples in his mouth. You throw your head back and whimper at the feeling of his tongue swirling around the sensitive part of your breasts. You tangle your fingers in his hair as you try to slowly ride his thigh, feeling the need to get rid of the tension in some kind of way. He let's your nipple out of his mouth with a lewd pop and laughs as he glues his hand to the back of your head, forcing you to look into his eyes.

"Darling if you want something you just need to ask," he brings his mouth over to your chest, planting sprinkled kisses along your collarbones. "my thigh? my fingers? my cock?" he asks in between suctions on the soft, sensitive skin of your neck. You were so sexually frustrated that you thought you were going to cry, and his words definitely didn't help. If something, they only made the tightness in your belly feel even tighter. "Which one will it be?" he asks finally as his eyes find yours again. You barely manage a pathetic whimper as he let's go of your head to unbutton your jeans. His hand slides slowly until it meets the band of your panties, but it doesn't go further, his eyes stopping on your face.

"Fuck, San, I want everything." you finally verbalize for him, your words laced with desperation for him to take things further. He closes his eyes and smiles in satisfaction when hearing your words, resuming the attack on your neck, biting down some marks here and there. His fingers finally get a hold of your clit and you shudder at the sensation. The circular motions he starts only make you moan his name quietly, through whimpers. It's been so long since you touched yourself like that, let alone somebody else. Masturbation was a thing you couldn't get back into since everything happened. Every time you tried, your mind only pictured Hongjoong, and it always ended with you crying without releasing in any kind of way. That was how you spent the last two years of your life, no wonder you were sexually frustrated. But now, the only thing on your mind was San, and how you could get him to make you cum faster. The position wasn't really a favorable one, he didn't have much access and so, his movements were limited and slow. San sinks his hand further down, teasing your hole with his middle finger, coating it in your arousal.

"You're so wet baby," he slowly pushes his finger into you, wandering into your inside, and your tightness. It did definitely feel like rain after a long drought. He pumped his finger inside you a few times, adding an extra one after a few seconds, stretching you in a way that has become unfamiliar but satisfying all the same. He fastened his pace and you unconsciously started to ride his fingers, chasing after your long awaited release. It wouldn't last too much, taking in consideration that you haven't orgasmed in so long. Your left hand was on San's nape, anchoring you to some sort of reality that he was indeed there, and the other one was on his chest. It wasn't much longer until your body conjured the estranged feeling in your tummy, you were close. San seemed to read your thoughts once again as his movements came to a halt, you offered a frustrated whimper in return. He lifted you up of his lap and placed you on your back next to him. He helped you get rid of your jeans and then your panties.

"I know you want to cum, but I want you to do it in my mouth." his face in between your thighs, breath fanning over your aching core. This time he didn't wait for a verbal response anymore, and you were glad he didn't. His warm tongue licked a long swipe starting from your hole to your clit, his mouth latched to it with sensual movements, sucking and licking at it, taking all the time in the world.

"Ho...ly fu-fuck," you gasped as you threw your head back into the cushion of the couch, arching your back under his ministrations.

His tongue was skilled, and so were his fingers when they slid inside you for the second time tonight. He curled them up, hitting your g-spot every time he pumped them in. Your body shuddered hardly at the sensation.

"Feel good?" he asked looking up at you, for the first time since he positioned you like this, you looked down at him. And what a sight for sore eyes, so lewd that if you looked at it for long enough you would cum without him needing to do anything to you anymore.

"So good," you reply and place one of your hands into his raven hair when he continues abusing your sensitive bud in the best way you could think of, he continues his movements with his tongue and his fingers, and it's only a matter of seconds until it builds up. You pull at his hair as he deepens his head in between the thighs that are now clenched around his head and it finally all becomes too much for you.

"Fuck....San....ahh," you cry out whilst shutting your eyes tightly, thing that makes you see stars in the back of your head.

You feel proud for satisfying his wish. San seems too feel so as well. You come undone on his fingers, and he pulls them out quickly to attend your releasing wetness with his inpatient tongue, you feel as if you could pass out from the soft stimulation. Such a long time since you've had an orgasm and this might have been the best way to have one.

"Fuck, you taste so good," he says as he slowly rises and takes his place above you, letting you have a taste yourself as he kisses you, swirling his wet muscle in every corner of your mouth, making sure none of it is getting left untouched by him. You sure do taste better on his tongue. Feeling his hard dick press on the inside of your thigh, in all its dizziness, your brain only wants more.

"Can we go to the bedroom?" you ask nicely, only to be met once more with San's surprised face. Like the thought that you still might want more never crossed his mind. He helps you up by the waist and lets you guide the way to the room. As you enter the it you quickly run to the bed, throwing yourself on it as you giggle like you're high, and you might as well be. High hormones had the same effect as weed for you. San only shakes his head with a smile on his face, while looking down and getting his belt off. Shit, this is really happening. Really finally happening. He slowly approaches the bed, ridding himself of his pants as he reaches the edge of it. Your friend pulls down his boxers as well, and you watch closely as his erect member is finally out of its entrapment, it springs up vividly, slapping against his torso. You're left in surprise at the sight of his girthy, definitely above average long, cock. You bite your lip involuntarily and he laughs to your reaction.

"You don't need to," you quickly blurt out as soon as you see him pulling a condom from his wallet. "I mean...I'm clean, if so are you then..." well it's safe to say you've became quite a desperate little thing during your two, deprived of sex, years. "then, we don't need to worry." you finish your sentence.

"You sure?" he asks for confirmation once again.

"Yeah, 'm sure." you respond and beckon him with your index finger. He muffles out a swear word you don't quite register as he drops the condom from his hold, quickly climbing on the bed. He crafts a better position above you, kissing you gently as he lines up his tip with your entrance. You whine in anticipation, lips still attached to his own, softer ones. He slowly pushes himself inside, taking lots of time to make sure your tightness grows comfortable around him. It hurts. Not only it is the first time with San, it felt like the first time altogether. At first, it seemed like your damn hymen grew back. Ironic, considering the amount of sex you used to have. You frowned as you whimpered softly into his mouth. He quickly broke the kiss, watching you with a slightly panicked look on his face.

"Hey, you all right?" he brushed the hair out of your face with his right hand, holding his weight on his left arm. You slowly started to get used to him, your whole body relaxing noticeably when seeing his face.

"Yeah, you can move." you stated with a voice glazed with desire. He did as asked, moving his hips in slow strokes, every time trying to deepen himself more inside you. He groaned each time his dick reached a new part of you.

"Fucking hell, how are you so fucking tight?" he lets out in a tone that almost seems annoyed with the state of your pussy.

"You...are the first...since then." you speak in between craving moans. He shudders at your words, stopping for a second, as he buries his forehead in the crook of your neck.

"Well, damn, princess. Should've let me stretch you out sooner." he whispers into your ear. And that is by far the most obscene thing that has left his lips tonight. He started moving again, this time picking a pace that had you crying out for his name. You couldn't think of much else when San was fucking you, his cock kindly brushing over a certain sweet spot every time it reached its depth. His dick and your pleasure occupied most of the place inside you and your mind, respectively. But at one point, you did try to recall how exactly you ended up right there. Somewhere along the way of finding the answer, you realized it didn't matter how, it mattered that it did. And the strokes that San was driving into you only made you thank the universe that it happened. Following after his release, he increased his speed. His voice was starting to get raspy after groaning and moaning, as did yours, both of your throats dry now.

"I...I think I'm gonna cum..." he whispered in your ear, and you immediately understood the question hiding behind his words. Your mind was in a state of debate for a few too many seconds. In or out? The only person that ever came in was him. In or out? But you wanted San to cum inside you so badly. In or out? That wouldn't be fair. In or out? But why wouldn't it be?

"Inside." you determinately say. His movements begin to grow messy, losing rhythm. He immerses into you deep, almost knocking you out with the way his cock is so richly stuffed inside you, and he let's out an angelic cry as he fills you up with white ropes of his hot seed. With his forehead glued to your shoulder, San pauses to catch his breath for a few seconds, before pulling his body up to get better vision of you. He cups your cheek and kisses you softly once again, pulling himself apart from you quicker than expected.

"You're so beautiful," he brushes his thumb over your lips. "I could look at you for all eternity." your heart thumps heavily when hearing his words. It made no sense for you how someone who looked like him, could tell you that you're beautiful. It seemed so far away from your reality, but still, you were thankful. At a loss for words, and only giving a shy smile in return, San mirrors it as he ascends and then throws himself in the empty space next to you. The only thing that is heard the next few minutes is both of your breaths as your chests heave. You nuzzle up into San's side, he embraces you with his arm as you grab him by the waist, laying your head on his chest. He kisses you on the crown of your head as he starts humming a melody that you don't think you've heard yet. Nonetheless, sleep gets a hold of your tired body and mind quickly, and you don't know if it's the alcohol that creates an illusion, or if it's just San's presence, but throughout your dreams you feel as if you are guarded by an angel.

Easily the best sleep you've had in a while. You are reminded of how easy it is to fall asleep on someone else's shoulder, just as you wake up.

*****

Before you met him you always thought you were better at spending time alone than you were at spending time with others. Now your thoughts had changed about the matter. It was like you were made only for being in Hongjoong's company, and when you were, you felt at peace. Like nothing could affect you ever again. The moments after sex were the ones you loved most, it almost felt like after your bodies were joint, your souls were getting combined as well, while laying on one another. He had his warm hand draped against your waist, playfully tracing circles on your soft skin, humming whatever song came to his mind. Your hand was on his bare chest and your head in the crook of his armpit. If you would be stuck in a time loop made only of this moment, you would never get sick of it.

The heat his body was emanating seemed to strangely warm you up from inside out, and the smell that was around the two of you was making your mind dizzy and your lungs crave for more. Feeling his chest rise as he inhaled and exhaled made you realize that your breaths were in sync, and hearing his heartbeat, you were sure they were too, in sync with yours. For you, loving Hongjoong was such a natural thing to do, like you two were extensions of each other and worked at full capacity only when together. His fingers slowly took a hold of your hand which he brought to his lips, he kissed it and then squeezed it tightly. You looked up into his eyes. His beautiful eyes sprinkled with love and adoration as he watched you.

"I think that every day I spend with you, I find a new meaning to love." he brushes your cheek gently and you stay silent, your mind in a stage of awe at how greatly he sums up the things you feel, without even talking to each other. You smile as you kiss him again and again and again.

"Then let's find a new meaning to love together for the rest of our lives," still standing close to his face, you see him smile and you do as well. You knew that even in the darkest of days, his smile would always lighten up your whole world. He pecks your lips again and suddenly tries to get up from the bed, the coldness you feel not only in your body, but your heart as well, wraps around your mind and you quickly grab his hand. He stops and kneels on the bed, looking at your uncovered body still on display for the flame that takes ahold in his enchanting eyes.

"We'll be late..." he says as he gets closer to you. That wouldn't be a problem, you think. The author should be allowed to be late to their own book release, right?

"Ten more minutes," you plead as you pull him towards you. He smirks and let's you take control of both his mind and body, as he lays on top of you, filling you up with the heat emanating from his body once again. After all, ten minutes wasn't that much, right?

*****

There it was. The selfishness that has made you lose him. The selfishness that brought you here with San. Everything was your fault. You lost so much of yourself the day you lost Hongjoong, but you were sure your last bit of humanity was completely lost the day you let Choi San believe that you could love him the same way he did. How could you be so reckless? You couldn't even blame the alcohol anymore, only your fucking stupidity. You used the only friend left that you cared about, as a rebound. And he doesn't even know. You looked up at the man who was holding you tight against his chest, as if not to lose you. He was still asleep. His natural unflawed beauty made your heart exclaim in agony as you traced his features with your gaze. As thoughts were overwhelming your mind, you placed your head in its initial position. Your eyes were starting to sting when tears started to form up.

You were the worst there was, weren't you? You killed your boyfriend and you deceived your friend into being your distraction, from all the pain and guilt, in more than one way. You didn't recognize yourself anymore, not after so much time of ignoring all your thoughts and suppressing all your feelings thinking it would get better. It didn't get better, the opposite actually, seeing where you stand right now. It was all because of you, and your selfishness, and it could've all be avoided if you didn't wish for fucking ten more minutes.

You started quivering and sobbing.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" San confusedly asks. This should be a sight to see as soon as you open your eyes. The girl you were balls deep in the night before, crying in front of you the morning after. Comforting you came natural to him, like he has been doing it for all his life. And you realized he did do it, not for all his life, sure, but since it happened. He has done his best to comfort you in every way he could. And he always succeeded. And this is how you repaid him. How could you be such a fucking asshole?

"San you need to...you have to leave...I'm sorry." you say through sniffles as it gets harder and harder for you to control the tears pouring down your face. You cannot look him in the eyes but you do get a peek at his grave look, how he looks down, unsure of what to do.

"Did I do something?" he quietly asks with a certain thread of fear in his voice, as if he was terrified of what his question might cause. You wish you could tell him that at the same time he didn't do anything, he also did too much. His kindness and love were too overwhelming for you in the state you were in.t. No matter how much he tried, his love couldn't repair you. You were the only one who could do that, but for what felt like the longest time, you didn't want to do it. Maybe it was time to try now.

"God, no..." you barely manage to blurt out. Speaking seems like the most tiring thing to do right now. "I just have to be alone right now." trying to stop your tears briefly, you look him in the eyes as he retracts his hands off of you. And you can't help but feeling it again, even if you know that it's not the case. Abandoned. Once again, and like the first time, it was all because of you. He got up from the bed, quickly dressing himself in the heavy silence that was surrounding both of you. You slowly hugged your knees to your chest, slightly burying your head in the space that you created. Maybe it wasn't for the best to be left alone but you were afraid of what might happen if you weren't. You saw San walk to your front door, put on his shoes and look at you for a last time. You looked up at him with teary eyes.

"Y/N, I..." love you. He didn't need to enunciate it, you could already see it on his face, how much it hurt him to leave you in this mess, all alone. Whatever you felt for him was so hard to decipher in the amalgam of things that were dwelling inside of you. And it was even harder to accept that you did have certain feelings for him, stronger that you would've liked. He sighed and slowly shook his head, looking down. You saw him leave and then you didn't see much anymore. As bitter tears that flooded your eyes slowly slid into your mouth. Painful screams were tumbling out of your chest giving you no chance to control them. As you get up off the bed you start grabbing whatever comes first and throwing it around. Cradled papers, books off of shelves, tiny decorations on your desk. You reach a framed photo of you and Hongjoong and stop for a second to look at it. Back at the beginning of your relationship when you went to a museum. It started snowing so much that his black coat turned white. You still remembered the cold weather of that period but the warmth of his smile was burning still, even through the damn picture. A few of your tears stained the glass of the photo and after you whimpered in the discomfort you felt around your heart, like someone was squeezing it in their fist, you threw it on the wall across from you. Did you really have to destroy everything nice in your life? As soon as it shattered to pieces you rushed towards it, as if you were not expecting the completely obvious to happen.

"No, no, no..." you whisper to yourself in disbelief. You slowly pick the broken glass in your shaking hands as your crying only gets louder, rivers of tears flowing down your face when your eyes can't seem to look anywhere else but at the old photo.

"I miss you so fucking much..." you whimper in pain, like a dog being beaten.

It's pure torture, you realize, what you're doing to yourself. It takes a lot for your now bloody palms to make contact with your face and wipe your tears, only leaving more of a mess behind. The flesh, now torn from picking up the thin pieces of broken glass, stings when your salty tears slide over the bloody trails and as you rise up with wobbly legs to throw it in the trash, you find yourself looking out the same window you stood with your lover on his last day beside you. Your tears suddenly came to a halt as you looked at the city lights near and far away; your breathing steadied and you remembered.

I want a balcony.

How were you supposed to move on, when you haven't even moved out?

You never felt so nervous for anything in your life before. The microphone was waiting for you on the warmly illuminated stage. You took shy steps towards it as the people started to applaud loudly, you were sure you heard someone whistle from the crowd. As you got in front of the microphone stand you placed one hand on it, dragging it closer. You were not sure how to do this. It should've been your second time, but due to the incidents back then, it was the first time in your life you had to speak at your own book release. Or even attend it. You inhaled deeply and looked through the crowd once more. Your eyes met Seonghwa's as he slightly raised the glass of champagne towards you. The pity he laid upon you with the help of his gaze a while back had turned into pride. You couldn't help but remember the surprise on his face when you went not to his office, but his house, at two in the morning, when you finally finished writing.

You spent the night together, he began reading and you fell in and out of sleep on his couch. When you woke up, he made breakfast for you and he told you how great it was, with the little eternal side notes from his side. He was proud.

"I have no idea what I should say," you offer a strong beginning, everyone starting to chuckle at your awkward comment. "I've been through hell and back writing this book. Two years and a half ago I lost the love of my life in a car accident, and for a long time I thought I lost everything." the room became suddenly tense as you spoke the words.

"But this should be a reminder that some doors aren't closed. We just think that they are." you finish off raising your glass and looking at a familiar pair of eyes. Everyone cheers as you get off the stage, and after receiving compliments from your boss, your team and other people as well, you follow the suited silhouette that you've been secretly chasing with your stare all night, outside.

"Hey," you greet as you find San on a bench right next to the venue. His eyes meet yours and for a brief second it's like all the nerves you had on stage came back, but they were doubled this time. It was hard going through everything without San. He tried to contact you, of course, but you weren't giving him much and the only times you saw him were when you ran into each other at work. When you looked at yourself in the mirror you couldn't recognize yourself anymore, but he? He was just the same. Dressed for the occasion, his black hair swiped back neatly and his face...as gorgeous as ever, and the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.

"Hey," he greets back as he drags his body on one side of the bench, signaling for you to join him. You sit beside him and look forward, feeling his eyes on your figure. "how have you been?" he asks, his voice glazed in worry. You made him suffer for the last time, you tell yourself. The whole ghosting thing and all the times you avoided him, those summed up the last time you were going to ever hurt him. For now you were working towards slowly healing the wound that has scarred you, which gave you more clarity about a lot of things.

"Better." you answer, looking in his direction. "I finally got it out!" you add smiling, a bittersweet smile that you held inside for a long time, it was for him only.

"I told you." San mimics your smile and looks into the distance.

"You did," moments of silence accompany as you think of the best way to embody your thoughts into words. "I never got to apologize." you start and his head shoots right at you. "I'm sorry. For using you to try and fuck my pain away." finally saying it aloud to him and getting it off your chest make your lungs finally not burn up when you try to inhale.

"I should apologize too," he begins and it's your turn to look at him with confusion.

"A part of me was aware that you were trying to do that and yet I wasn't able to stop myself." he adds. And it's like some part of you already knew, and already forgave him for it and that was because you knew you had way more blame than him, but you learned to come to terms with it, like you did with many things in your life. Learning to forgive yourself wasn't an easy process, but with the help of a good therapist, you slowly learned how to do it. You were at peace with a few of the things that kept you awake during the night. Slowly getting better.

"I'm sorry." he says and you're sure that more honest words had never left his mouth.

You take his hand into yours and place it on your lap. For the first time since you know him, his hands are cold. You use your other palm as a blanket and cover his hand from the cold winter breeze outside. He nurtured for you enough, it was finally time that you were ready to return the favor.

"I read the book," he says, looking at your hands holding each other.

"Lots of them are inspired from your stories," you refer to the poems, thinking of how many more were written with your mind only thinking about him that didn't even make the cut into the book. "and lots of them are inspired from you." You look into his eyes as he squeezes your hand gently. Maybe you didn't yet know what you wanted. But you knew what you didn't want. And you didn't want to lose San. Not again. Not ever.

"Can I take you out on Thursday?" he asks as his gaze stills down on your warm face. If he asked you this on a bad day, you still weren't sure what your answer would be, but today was a good day. You never got to say goodbye to Hongjoong, but that didn't mean you couldn't say hello to anyone ever again. "You know, in case you need more inspiration for your next masterpiece." he adds and you laugh shortly while nodding quickly. You spend a few more minutes in silence, enduring the cold air, silently revealing to each other the most vulnerable parts of you. You look down at your joined hands and then into his eyes. You smile, partly because you do feel happy, and the rest because you know he'll do the same, and hell, you fucking missed that dimpled smile of his.

The man doesn't say anything when you lean your head on his shoulder, but you are almost sure you can hear his heart beating faster. "I missed you so much." you finally say, letting your feelings pour out in front of San for the first time, leaving you vulnerable in a way no one has seen you since then.

And for the first time, while looking at the bright clear sky above you, you think for yourself that...He would be so proud.

[daengtokki]

𝐼'𝓂 𝓈𝑜𝓇𝓇𝓎 𝐼 𝓌𝒶𝓈𝓃'𝓉 𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒

Kim Seungmin/female reader

wc: 3.1k

synopsis: someone is cheating // pt 2

rating: angst/sort of fluff ꩜ -`♡´-

⤜ · · ♡ · · →

Now Seungmin remembers just how lonely he can get

The dorm is silent. It’s late and everyone is asleep, but he didn’t realize just how late it had gotten until he closed the door a little too loudly. He drops his bags and pulls off his clothes as he makes his way to the bed, tossing them and leaving a trail as he goes. Typically, he throws them right into his hamper, or folds them neatly on his chair, but tidyness is far from his mind right now—almost everything is.

But still, his mind is racing. It’s spinning and it’s aching, and his heart is, too. He feels outside of his own body as he replays the last hour in his head, and he just wants to wake up from this nightmare.

Seungmin crashes onto the bed. He hasn’t been here in a few weeks, at least not to sleep, and the bed feels all wrong. The thought of being here, and not where he’s supposed to be breaks him, and his breath catches in his throat as he desperately holds everything back. But it’s too much, and he has to cry. Silently, though—that much he can do. He turns and pushes his face into the pillow and lets go.

A text comes through, and the first thought that runs through his head—it’s you, it has to be. Pleading for forgiveness, and throwing I love you’s in every direction. It’s not until he looks at the screen that he remembers the shattered remains he left on the floor. But you have other ways; your laptop, mainly. If you really wanted to, you could reach him right now with no trouble.

This text is from Jeongin.

min is that you? I didn’t think you’d be here. Everything okay?

As quiet as he was, that was all kind of ruined when he had to blow his nose and breath properly again. And there’s something about a post-cry nose blow that’s just…obvious.

yeah I’m okay

Everything will come out in the morning anyway.

If you say so…we can have a drink and watch something if you want to talk

Jeongin isn’t just perceptive; he knows Seungmin well, and he knows when something is off.

we can talk tomorrow, I should sleep

Seungmin has no hope of sleep tonight.

· · ♡ · ·

The broken phone at your feet blinks pathetically, trying with everything it has to hold on and buzz a text message in. You don’t care, though. You don’t need your phone if Seungmin isn’t texting, or calling, and only realizing that now is your problem. You got complacent—apathetic over the months you’ve been with him. Unbelievably stupid. You’ve ruined the best thing that ever walked into your life. All you can think of now is every word you want and need to say to him, but you can’t.

No, you can. Your laptop is right there, on the coffee table. If anything, you can gather and organize your thoughts, because you can't imagine him wanting to hear from you tonight. Getting him back might be impossible, but this still feels necessary. Sending it off in an email is something morning you will decide on.

Minnie, I’m sorry it’s come this—I’m sorry you have to feel the way you do right now, and I need you to know how much it kills me that you’re hurting. I’m sorry that I’ve done so poorly as your person, something I should be better at by now, that I have to write to you this way just hoping you’ll read it. I’ve failed you, because I should have been stronger, and I should have been there for you when you needed me the most. Not stronger, no, just better…more perceptive and more understanding. I do know how lonely it gets for you, because you have mentioned it before, but I’ve been so selfish for so long. Getting to be yours for the last 2 years has been a dream. I never thought someone as sweet, and funny, and loving, and as beautiful as you would ever come into my life. I won’t try to explain my actions, because there is no explanation. I don’t deserve you, or your forgiveness. I broke your trust. I broke everything. I felt entitled to fix my loneliness when you were suffering with it, too. But you didn’t hurt me. You’ve never hurt me. I want you to know that I love you, though. I love you more than anything. You are irreplaceable and I will suffer without you, because I should.

Three, four times you read through it before deciding to hit send. It can’t wait until you decide to wake up in the morning, because sleeping tonight will be difficult—but crying is exhausting. You doze off for an hour, then jump out of it abruptly for no reason. Panic takes over, and your heart feels like it might explode as you orient yourself in a tangle of sheets. Seungmin isn’t here, and it takes a moment to remember why.

You smack the keyboard of your laptop until it wakes up, and the new email at the top of the pile makes the panic even worse.

RE: (no subject)

Twelve minutes ago.

You click it and brace yourself for more heartbreak; more difficult truth. An end.

· · ♡ · ·

Seungmin does decide to get up and get a soju, but he does it alone. He needs something to help him relax; numb things a little, and make his eyes a little heavier. The time between is spent looking through old messages between him and you, which is not making things better, but Seungmin wants to figure out where things went wrong. He gets as far back as four months of texts when a notification pops up on his phone.

You did exactly what I thought you would, he mumbles to himself. It’s an email, no subject. Before the little banner disappears, he opens it, and he devours every word far too quickly. Seungmin’s heart races and his stomach swirls as he scans each paragraph, and then he immediately goes back and starts again, slowly.

Now he has something more to dwell on. He gets up and heads to the kitchen for another drink, and when he returns, he just starts typing:

I love you, too. Before I say anything else, I want you to know that. I keep reading your email over and over as I type, because my head is a mess and I can’t focus much right now, but your words ground me. They always have. It’s been a while since you’ve given me a hand written letter, and this, of all things, made me miss that. You have a way with words that I just can’t seem to replicate. I’m hurting like I don’t remember ever hurting before. I feel opened up and ripped apart. I feel like I’m not enough, or I wasn’t enough. I was scared of a relationship because of this, I guess. Being away, not being enough, because I know I’m bad at expressing myself sometimes. Most of the time. Not being with you much makes it even harder. So I feel at fault, too. I need to own up to not always being there when you need me, even though it came with our type of relationship. I’m sorry it’s so hard for us to talk like this face to face…or for me to, I guess. I didn’t give you a chance.

· · ♡ · ·

That’s it.

You’re relieved, but you’re not sure if you should reply again. Leaving it at this until morning might be the best option. But what happens in the morning? Does Seungmin come back home? Will he reply if you email him again? Maybe he’ll sleep in late, leave again, leave you waiting for a message just like you did to him. You think back to the last time he was home, and how you weren’t even here because you ignored his text. Not just ignored, but didn’t even look at it to see that he was waiting and wondering why you weren’t there to greet him.

It feels like your heart is being squeezed just imagining his confused face. And then your mind moves to him…the other one, and it makes you sick thinking of him now. It should have done that before. Irreplaceable is exactly what Seungmin is, that was no exaggeration.

Luckily, you fall asleep with his words in your head; the I love you, the possibility of another chance. And your guilt, still, of making him think he hasn’t been enough.

· · ·

There’s hardly a chance to think of replying to Seungmin. You don’t sleep long, because once you’re awake, you’re awake. Showered, dressed, coffee slowly dripping in the glass caraffe. You prep enough in the hopes that he’ll have some, too, but that’s mostly wishful thinking—a desperate attempt at a manifestation.

A reply has been rolling around in your head since last night, and it formed into a solid set of paragraphs as you took your time in the shower, now you just have to sit and hope it comes out just as well. And you do open his email, but instead of typing, you grab a pencil and a piece of stationary from the desk—stationary you bought just for his letters. You haven’t touched them in at least a year.

It actually comes out easier this time.

Seungmin,

Might as well start properly.

You’ve always been enough. I see you struggle every day with balancing your work and your regular life…me, us. I don’t know what that’s like—

The sound of keys makes you stop. The slide of metal against metal as it’s pushed in and turned; every bit of it is so, so loud. You look again at the broken phone on the floor, not forgotten, but not even deserving of a place in the trash can. You couldn’t bring yourself to touch it.

When you look back at him, the first thing he does is find you, and then he looks to the aftermath of his out of character temper. Then back at you.

You set the pencil down and stand, but you don’t take a step toward him. Every part of you screams to be closer, though.

“Hi,” he takes a few steps inside, kicks off his shoes next to yours. “Morning.”

It’s nearly noon, but you can pretend you didn’t stay up and sleep in late. You haven’t had coffee yet, anyway, so that’s what you do—you force yourself to the kitchen and pour a mug, and then you pour the rest over ice for him.

He watches, but looks at what you were working on as he gets closer to the coffee table. You don’t say anything when he picks up the piece of paper and reads it, rereads it. “I got you something,” he says as he places it back on the table.

“Uhm…you did?”

Why would he do that? You don’t feel like you deserve his gifts at the best of times, so you certainly don’t want anything now.

Seungmin digs in the shopping bag and pulls out a little white box, opens it, and then hands you your new phone.

“I was out of line last night, when I…” he looks at it on the floor again, “I’m sorry.”

“No, Minnie…you weren’t, at all”

“You didn’t deserve my anger”

“I did, I needed it. I want it. Please don’t be nice to me.”

“Okay, if you really mean that…” He walks over slowly and picks up his glass, takes a long sip... “I’ve never felt so angry at you before. I didn’t think I could feel like that, honestly. And I was still holding back.”

“I could tell. Part of me wanted you to let go.”

“Let go, let go how? I could never hurt you.” His touch is a relief—the gentle slide of his thumb across your skin, his hand closing softly around your neck. A much different touch than last night. “Phone, yeah. Him, maybe.”

“That person is gone”

“Did it help…did he help? Were you less lonely with him?”

Thinking about it isn’t really necessary, but you take a long moment to look at Seungmin—his eyes are big and wet, and they’re puffy from not getting enough sleep, or crying. Most likely both, though you can only remember seeing Seungmin cry once in the time you’ve known him. And it wasn’t over you.

“No, I wasn’t. I think it was making me feel worse.”

“I’m irreplaceable, right?”

The tease in his voice is obvious, and his little laugh breaks every bit of tension in the room. You need to pull him in and kiss him, but whether or not you’re there yet is still a mystery. Instead, you shift slightly closer.

“Yes, you are”

He smiles. You’ve seen him smile like that before, and it’s always when he’s in a certain mood. Seungmin sets his glass down and takes yours from you.

“Seungmin”

The desperate whine just makes him smirk.

“Please, Minnie…I need you, so much”

“I know you do, I know.” But he grabs your wrists and stops you as you move toward his hips. “You have me. And I need something to.”

“Of course, anything”

“Can you finish your letter?”

· · ·

Seungmin is never fast in the shower, especially not after he’s been away for so long. There’s no need for him to rush around now—he knows he has plenty of time, and plenty of hot water no matter how long he takes. Typically, you leave him alone when he’s in there, despite the occasional urge to go in.

But this time, of all times, you decide to act on that urge.

There he is, behind the glass partition. Steam chokes the air, and condensation keeps his body mostly hidden from you, but he’s tall enough that you do get a peak—back turned, head twisted to the side so the water can beat down on his neck and shoulders. He rolls them, groans with relief, and sighs. It makes you dizzy.

Then he finally opens his eyes and sees you staring at him. He smiles so wide, with all of his teeth, and it’s the most beautiful sight. It’s as if nothing bad has happened, and nothing is slowly tearing the two of you apart.

“I think I’m finally losing hot water,” he muses, mostly to himself, but he doesn’t turn it off. What he does do is turn to you and fold his arms over the partition. He’s just tall enough. “Hi, do you have something for me?”

You nod, shyly, and you don’t know why. The way he’s looking at you seems brand new, and it feels so intense.

“Seungmin…” you start, paper clutched in one hand. You don’t think you even need to read from it now.

He doesn’t interrupt, but he nods and gives you another little smile.

“You’ve always been enough. I see you struggle every day with balancing your work and your regular life…me, us. I don’t know what that’s like. I don’t know how difficult and tiring it is to be on all the time, and to switch off when you walk through that door to me. I have it so easy—I get to hide away from everything, and then at the end of the day, or the end of the week, month…I get you, I get to hear your voice, and see your face, and I couldn’t ask for anything better…”

He ducks away, and the water is turned off as one more big plume of steam rises up and starts to clear. You reach for his towel, hold it open for him, and wait patiently as he drips and shakes his hair. It’s cute, and it’s the first time you’ve seen him do it.

“…because there’s nothing better”

Seungmin steps out and lets you wrap it around him. The water beading down his chest is too much, and as he’s tightening it around his waist, you lean forward and kiss him there. Muscle flexes as you pull away and place another one, and then another until your lips close around his nipple.

At any moment, he could pull away from you, because he hasn’t made his intentions clear yet. He could stay now, for a while, for the last time, or he could leave as soon as he’s dressed. The letter is written and read to him, though it was short, and maybe that was the last of your say on the subject. Maybe that’s why he showed up—that, and the phone.

No. Seungmin wouldn’t put in this much effort just to turn around and leave. He’s still upset, and he’s still confused.

He looks down at you and closes his eyes, savoring the warmth of your lips on his cool skin. It might be too much right now to touch again, but he wants to.

A hand up your back is all it takes to get a sound out of you.

“Hey”

“Yeah?” Your forehead presses against him and you avoid his gaze.

“Everything you said, just now and last night…” he stops and hmms to himself, musing out loud again, “and what I said. Why can’t we say those things to each other. Why did it take this, after so long?”

“Because we’re both afraid of being vulnerable with each other, at least on our feet.”

Seungmin laughs at that. “Yeah, I guess it’s a little different during sex, but even then…”

“Are you saying you want—“ you stop, but not because he interrupts you. You stop because you’re terrified of his answer.

“…to work on it?”

He can still finish your sentences. Maybe that’s part of the problem—thinking you can read each other’s mind, even though sometimes you absolutely do.

“I can feel your heartbeat”

And it feels like it could stop at any moment. It feels like you’re standing on the edge of a cliff, preparing to jump…to get pushed.

Seungmin pulls you even closer, and you wrap your arms around his waist.

“Is that what you think we should do?”

“I just want you to trust the person you give yourself to”

“Is it silly if I still trust you? I know you want me to stay, but the way you talk makes it seem like you’re pushing me away. Like you’re giving me an out.”

“No, it’s not silly. I don’t want to push you away, but I do hate myself more than I ever thought I could.”

“Maybe we’ve talked enough today. We both need more sleep…can we do that?”

[randomfoggytiger]

Mitch Pileggi, Nic Lea, and Kim Manners Were Happy about Krycek's Death Scene

On a merry drive down Season 8 Interview Lane (boy, does that trip deserve a dedicated post all its own), I came across this:

According to director Kim Manners, the most difficult scene to shoot was in the elevator with Mitch Pileggi and Nicholas Lea. Conversely, Manners' favorite scene was the one in which Skinner kills Krycek. Manners himself proposed the uniqueness of the shot, which features a CGI bullet going straight through Krycek's head. Extra money was budgeted for Krycek's death.[6] Mitch Pileggi was very happy when he was told he would be killing Krycek; he explained, "when they came to me and told me that I was the one that was going to kill Krycek, I was elated. Not because I wanted Nick to go away or anything, it was just from a character stand-point; Skinner just wanted to kill Krycek so bad."[6] Manners later called it one of his "favorite scenes [he'd] ever directed" and one of the "best scenes [he's] seen in a long time on television."[3]

Reportedly, Lea had become tired of the role and was growing weary of the ambiguous nature of the character. When Lea learned that his character was to be killed off in "Existence", he reportedly welcomed the news. The night the episode aired, Lea wrote on his personal website: "I felt that [Krycek] wasn't getting a fair shake anyway. [...] I wanted more in-depth ideas about the character and it never came to pass. It kind of stopped being fun to play."[4]

-Existence, Wikipedia

[varlaisvea]

i didn't want to make a post about how much i love zerith-var, but i think i am going to... the meta of him is so lovely--he is the first companion who feels, power-wise and life-wise, like he could be credibly a peer to the vestige. isobel is a junior knight, sharp-as-night is a mercenary, mirri is an adventurer, tanlorin is a thief and a spy, and zerith-var is a miraculously undead elite necromancer-cleric-monk who gets his marching orders from azurah herself. he's way more on the level of the type of power the vestige has.

and it makes sense story-wise that he'd want to hang out with you. the rest of 'em are honored to tag along with the Hero Of Tamriel on your great adventures, but zerith has never heard of no planemeld; you were just the first person who found him and was kind to him. he sees you as his equal--he decides you're his partner, his tamiit, a word which is evidently just as ambiguous in meaning in ta'agra as it is in english/tamrielic. he's certainly getting something out of the relationship; he's incredibly powerful, but he's also woken up in a distant future, so he needs someone he can trust to help him figure out how to exist in a strange time, with a strange purpose. he's understandably uneasy and disoriented in this time, so he's glad to be with you.

i cannot say enough good things about his quests, they are some of the best quests i've ever played in eso. the plots in some of the other companions' quests are kinda flimsy and obligatory, but his has like... richly developed secondary characters who have satisfying character arcs of their own, extensive tie-ins to existing lore, and poignant themes? zerith is a holy warrior in the most literal sense, and yet he himself also needs forgiveness and redemption? it honestly kinda blew me away.

also, i just love him. i thought kim kitsuragi was a jesus i did not deserve, but zerith... it is like. unavoidable. like. a falling star heralds his awakening, and the literal very first thing you see him do is rise from the slab of his tomb, miraculously un-decayed. he has this epic way of talking bc he's 2000 years old, and he constantly reminds everyone around him that no soul is ever beyond redemption. the damned actually literally reach for his hand through a veil of darkness to find salvation from eternal torment in azurah's unyielding forgiveness. he says shit like this all the time:

"To put spirits on the path to redemption. To hold the door even when the shadow of unending night pushes against it. This is my calling... We stepped into the light from the shadow of my tomb. Together, we struck against the darkness beyond the world... I am honored to walk at your side."

he's simultaneously millennia old and also like 50, and also 5. he treats you like an equal, talks to you like someone who has no idea how important you are, but still admires you anyway. it's very good! my favorite companion by far. it's a good thing i enjoy having him around, bc i have to level him fully so i can buy this one REALLY GOOD water furnishing that is going to change like 5 or 6 of my houses substantially. it's going to open a world of possibility. he loves the infinite archive though, and so do i :)

and tbh, he could not be sexier? kind, gentle, playful, intelligent, with a voice so deep you could hibernate in it, snatched waist and dope biceps, sort of dorky smile, shares almost all of his major character traits with jesus christ, is not a human. like idk if sexy in a thirst way but objectively, doing the work of christ while looking hot is hot. terrible facial hair but it works on him, and he looks cool as fuck doing his little magic gesture thing. thenks for my life! this is like the time they made smolder scrolls online for me specifically so i could romance both razum-dar and naryu.

[from-izzy]

[17:58] | tbz kim sunwoo

» ​PAIRING: tbz kim sunwoo x gn!reader (proofread a couple of times but pls tell me if i missed something!)​ » TROPE/AU​: friends to ??, friends to strangers, friends to 'just classmates', miscommunication (?) trope, i'm sorry i have no idea how to explain this tbh..., high school au!, non-idol au! » GENRE​: angsty hurt but fluffy comfort, 'friendship' breakup (with the intention of coming back together when time is right!), they both say "i love you" to each other and it's meant to be platonic but it can be interpreted romantically, if you do interpret it romantically then mutual pining that is somewhat figured out in the end???, sunwoo is also very comforting, loving, patient and understanding to reader's own worries and trusts reader in their personal journey as they figures out their own hardships in life » WORD COUNT: 3576​ » ESTIMATED READING TIME: 13 mins » WARNINGS (lmk if i missed anything!): hardships with past relationships with others, anxiety and fear regarding making bonds with other people, running away as a mechanism to escape reality

navi/masterlist!! 🤍 part of 'especially to you...'

how blessed i am to have you beside me when real life doesn't work out. how blessed i am to be able to go on the main chat and just be myself. how blessed i am to be able to call you my friends. how blessed i am to be accepted by people over the internet, who ended up supporting me in one of the hardest times of my life.

i love you all. i'm sorry that i'm unable to include everyone but i hope you know that in friendship groups, everyone has an effect on one another. even if person a isn't close to person c, person b may be the reason why you're still in the same group together. we all influence each other and i love you all so much.

i'm so sorry for everything.

"So what? That's it?"

The solemn tone in his voice makes the hues of orange and pink in the sky behind him take away the beauty of the scene you both love. It seemed that even the birds that would usually sing beautifully at this time stopped as soon as you opened the door of your house, knowing well who used his entire fist to bang on your door.

Sunwoo's bangs stuck to his forehead well, showing the physical exertion that his body took to get to your house. His school blouse is half untucked and you realise that maybe he rushed out of gym class in the last period because of his mismatched buttons and how his tie wasn't around his collar properly. His eyes flared with a hint of sadness though the confusion and anger masked most of the emotion behind. Your eyes diverted down to his untied shoelace. Usually, you would scold him and he would give that annoying smile to you, shrugging his shoulders and being completely relaxed whilst answering you with a "You're going to do it for me anyways." Judging by his slumped-over school bag, you guessed that he probably threw it to your 'welcome' carpet as soon as he arrived—even though he knew that he probably wasn't considering that you've been avoiding his entire presence for a whole month.

But even when Sunwoo looks at you with that heartbroken gaze straight to your tired, cold eyes, you don't utter any words to him. The slight bounce of your head made him turn his head away, clenched fists beside his body. You also found your arms crossing around your waist, palms hooked around your figure and your fingers wrapped around your body to ground the tears that you knew would flow if you didn't keep telling yourself to 'keep it together'.

"Don't you think I deserve some kind of explanation?" 

Just from a glance at him, you note the tiredness on his face even with his furrowed eyebrows. Not once did he raise his voice at you even though you can see how he's holding back with how tense his jaw is.

"God, Sunwoo." You exclaim to him with a sarcastic laugh after, "I get that we literally became the best of friends as soon as we met two months ago but shit happens and you can't expect an explanation for everything that happens."

"Of course not!" Sunwoo's voice rises though it doesn't seem to shock you. "Shit happens, I know! But at the same time, I never thought our friendship was so weak and insignificant that you could ignore me for more than a month. I know you read my messages! The app can't show me that but I know!"

"Ok fine, I did!" You spill the truth that you've been holding back. "What are you going to do about it? They’re my messages, not yours!"

Sunwoo didn't know how to counter that. Maybe there wasn't a way to counter the statement because it's true. But you both knew that the unresponded messages were only the tip of the iceberg of why Sunwoo finally decided to confront you for your isolation from him.

"What happened?" Fragile and weak, shoulder dropping closer to the ground, "Talk to me. I'm here for you."

And he breaks. 

The tears that he only released in his bedroom were finally showing itself. He didn't think that it would be infront of you first. He thought that maybe his other friends would see it first but that one tear that escaped was the start of his waterfall. 

"You wouldn't understand." You slightly scowl at the innocent boy, forcing the words between your teeth, "I mean that wholeheartedly and not from some cliche teen romance movie shit." 

The venomous response he gets to his genuine question only makes Sunwoo frown further and he verbally starts to express the tears from his eyes. Seeing him cry and swallow down his whimpers struck a chord in your own confusing heart as well.

The truth is that you're scared. 

You're scared as hell.

You're scared of the fact that even though you met Sunwoo two months ago, you grew so fast to him.

There were days that sometimes he would understand you more than your best friend of five years.

Do you know how scary that is? 

To connect with someone so fast that sometimes all you want to do after a long day is to text them about all the minuscule things to the bigger things that would make your jaw drop.

To open that messaging app, spam him with short sentences, and feel the guilt of passing the dot beside the other messages that your other friends sent first, to just open your conversation with him first?

The confusion that you finally felt at home with someone so quickly and that you felt that when you never expected it to happen? All you ever wanted from your relationship with others was to be included.

Kim Sunwoo did just that in a span of a month compared to five years.

You would spend nights figuring out how it happened but no matter how much you thought of it, you couldn't find that one specific message and timestamp both in your phone or memories of how you would wake up and just hope for a chaotic message from him. 

One mutual turned to two, which turned to three and the euphoric feeling increased exponentially. However, so did the fear escalated further when you got included in the group chat with the friends that he had before you both met. 

You have always been amazed at their friendship. Despite the small age difference here and there between each person, despite using honorifics to still respect that age gap, it never stopped the radiant chaoticness that they brought everywhere they went, in everything they did. Their personalities that are so different but work together so well to the point that it makes you believe that opposites do attract.

Their differing body clocks that would mean that the group chat never dies no matter where the clock hands land. Being able to connect with them, making genuine bonds through all the bullying (that is full of love), heart-to-heart or supportive conversations, relatable life struggles relating to schoolwork and living, fangirling about their achievements in life, asking for help with things that you’re confused about, the fun flirtings that would leave the others speechless—you realise that this is all you've ever wanted and the fact that you received it when you were at your lowest guard, scared every single part of you.

The very first few moments when you came, you were jealous of their bond, wondering how they became so close even through their differences. Then, as time passed and you inserted yourself in the conversations, it felt like you were flying across a cloudless sky, feeling reassured that your wings wouldn't get wet from the rain. After, you became scared of your presence with them, scared of ultimately breaking them apart.

But, do you know the irony of it all? 

You were the one who decided to ignore not only Sunwoo but every single kind-hearted person there. No one pushed that on you. But whenever they would post their photos on the group chat for distribution, reminisce their memories together, or when you would hear one of them talk about it with people outside the group chat, you find yourself jealous and hurt that you weren't part of it all.

Does anyone understand the confusion, guilt, self-hate and pain that it all brings?

"How do you know if I would understand or not if all you've done is left me on read in an app that can't even tell me that?"

Your breath hitches and your voice box only lets out a small gasp. Everything Sunwoo is saying is correct because everything is due to your insecurities and fear that everything will just fall apart. You truly believe in the fact that nothing lasts forever. That belief alone is the reason why you have trouble making friends.

Because for you, why would you put yourself in so much happiness that your cheeks would hurt from the laughter and smiles when you know that everything would end anyway?

But at the same time, your heart is trying to pull you in the opposite direction. Because in a similar logic, if you know that nothing lasts forever, why can't you just accept that fact and cherish him, the memories and the times that you could potentially spend together?

"Sunwoo," right now, you allowed the facts to speak out for you, refusing to follow what you truly wanted, "you have been blessed with the most lovely, encouraging and supportive group of friends. You and me," your index finger points to your chest after pointing at his, "we have experienced totally different friendships."

Sunwoo is beyond confused. Of course, he would be. You've never even given him a chance to understand your experiences. What you did was isolate yourself from him and the group chat that has given you hope that maybe, just maybe, this is your group of people. Your heart broke beyond what you could even comprehend when some of them personally sent a message to you, asking your whereabouts and hoping that you were doing well. On lonely nights as you monitor the cheerful group chat, all you can do is intertwine your hands together around your phone, the tips of your fingers turning white due to the pressure as you hold yourself back from including yourself in the fun conversation.

"Sorry but maybe I'm just not ready."

Sunwoo watches your blank stare, your eyes that used to be so full of glimmer and happiness are now void. He took in the fact that you were probably half-conscious at the current moment as you just stared at whatever was just above his shoulder in the distance but he didn't need to turn around to know that you were not focusing on anything in particular.

He wipes the tears that clouded his view of you before carefully asking, "For what?" 

Your shoulders rise but they hold their position for a second longer before falling back down, "For whatever this friendship is."

Your eyes catch the way his eyebrows crash together as well as the audible nervous gulp and shaky lips, "Is our friendship just 'whatever' to you now?" The volume decreases with each word in the question.

The heaviness in your heart that you carried the past month started to take its toll on your head and you closed your eyes to focus on the chilling wind hitting your face. Sunwoo watches quietly, still waiting patiently for you to ground yourself back to the present. The boy watches your arms untangle from your chest, dropping back to the side of your body and he finds himself wishing that if he stepped forward and opened his arms, you would reciprocate the same loving action back. 

But he knew you wouldn't. Not now when you flutter your eyes open so delicately with an emotion that he has never seen from you.

"I'll always love you, Sunwoo.” 

These are the words that manage to both break and put the pieces of his heart back together. There is no way he could admit it to you now, especially with how things are going but deep down in the lonely past month that he spent, it’s the exact words that he has been waiting and wanting to say to you as he wishes that he could hear it back from you. Now that he has heard it straight from you, not through written text or a voice message, but face to face, his world starts to rebuild itself slowly.

You both only focused on each other’s faces like it would be the last time you both would ever be able to do so. You straighten your back, no longer slumping and cowering away in fear now that you’ve said the words that have always been on your mind. With your slightly newfound confidence and a somewhat lighter heart, Sunwoo sees a bit of colour start to paint your once-pale skin. Your slightly pink cheeks that are in the same beautiful shade as your lips. Your eyelashes that flutter silently in the cold weather around you—and he finds himself wanting to bring your body in a hug to bring some warmth for you both—and finally, your eyes that held all the stories, ones spoken and unspoken, the same ones that he would eventually find himself thanking the teacher for assigning your seat next to his. 

In the silence that held many meanings for you both, you observe your best friend as well. Your neck tilts slightly to accommodate the height difference, watching how some of his bangs are now free from his sweat and are now in a mess due to the wind, his big round eyes that would disappear mischievously whenever he would tease you about something, only to soon have his bright, wide smile mirrored back to your face. You realise now more than ever that you may never see that cute gummy smile of his anytime soon. 

But you needed to be true to yourself. You needed to figure out your feelings first before you could commit to another friendship that could tear you apart once again. 

You needed to learn to love yourself again before you could go and introduce yourself to others.

Through your friendship with Sunwoo, though short and sweet but still special, you promise that after this, you will never put someone else in this kind of feeling ever again. Things would change from now on and there’s very little that you can do regarding your friendship with Sunwoo now, especially when you were the one who made the mess.

Maybe now after this revelation, he wouldn’t want to be near you anymore or maybe he will wait for you. Maybe he won’t tap on your shoulder anymore during class when you’re dazing off into the gloomy sky and just let you get in trouble with your teacher who will have called your name multiple times. Maybe as he passes by the hallway, his arms around his friends, he won’t even spare you a glance, reserving his smile for just them instead.

But again, there’s nothing you can do now. The words have been said and actions regarding the words have already been carried out.

Did you regret it? 

The shortest and fastest answer: Yes. 

Maybe you could’ve just come clean and told him how you feel. Sunwoo would then do that thing where you both would walk to the nearby park by the school and listen to your rants patiently, straightening and bending his legs as he sits on the swing to give him a bit of momentum, nodding thoughtfully to your worries. Then after, he would stretch his arm from behind the chains and pat your slumped back rhythmically. Just like every single time after that, you would both go for a bubble tea run before Sunwoo would panic text you about an assignment or homework that he forgot to complete and you would panic with him, helping him through the all-nighter that you both have gotten concerningly used to.

…gosh, why didn’t you just do that?

If this friendship was going to end anyway, why didn’t you take the easier, non-confusing, less painful way for the both of you? Why did you have to drag others through so much heartbreak just because of your cowardice? Why did you have to be so unthoughtful and unfair to everything and everyone that you genuinely love? You don't care if you have to get hurt as long as they're fine.

Please…just not them.

You are so unfair, unkind and selfish. He was the one pulling the weight of the friendship and you led him on blindly with that fake smile of yours, pretending that everything was fine. The audacity of you to even wish during the times when you cried alone underneath the blanket that he would forgive you. 

You wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t—that thought also extended to your other ten dear friends too.

A few more minutes pass and you are the one who breaks the prolonged eye contact after putting the features of his face into your memory. Sunwoo could only let out a solemn smile, his feet planted still on the ground even though his legs shook a little bit and he clasped his hands together infront of him, looking down at the grey pavement of your entrance for the first time since he arrived.

“Okay.”

The words seemed more permanent than both of you liked but it was the only response that Sunwoo could give to you at the moment. He missed the way you dropped your head to face the ground. Your body moves to lean over to one side of the doorframe, both your hands reaching over to clench the white metal to keep your posture and emotions somewhat stable.

The bag that was in your field of vision gets dragged away from your figure and you know from the shadow that Sunwoo is dusting off the dirt, ready to walk away for the day—from the friendship that you ruined. The sun behind him has almost fully hidden itself behind the taller buildings that you would have always thanked whenever you were in your room, wanting to get away from its scorching heat and intense light but now, you wished it would stay around longer…just a little bit longer. 

But maybe, Sunwoo is your sun and he hears your internal pleading because he steps forward, his everyday school sneakers coming into your view. 

“Whenever you’re ready, alright?”

Maybe it was your growing heartache and headache but the way he mutters it, just a volume above the singing crickets as the birds retreat their song for the day, seemed genuine. Most importantly though, it didn’t seem permanent at all. It’s almost as if Sunwoo is telling you indirectly that he will always wait for you. To tell you to figure out your internal fight first but that he’ll always give you a helping hand and that boba treat if you ever call him for help. To tell you that he will always get you in trouble during class and stick his tongue out if he’s successful. To tell you to stop ignoring him in school now that he is getting some sort of closure from you. 

Thankful for the memories and comfort, your head rises from the depths of your darkness and Sunwoo shines brighter than the huge star behind him. For what you both know will be the last one in a while, Sunwoo purposely lets out a loud sigh, one that is playful and is accommodated by the upturned corner of his lips before resting his open palm on the top of your head.

“I will always wait for you.” 

To his words, the stars in your eyes fell and for once, you were glad that you finally showed your tears to him. You hoped that he would know just how much you are genuinely sorry for all of this. Giving him an actually convincing nod that he seemed to accept. You watch your best friend stuff his hands inside his pocket, turning away from your front door and walking his way back down the stairs to being just classmates—just for now.

No more words were exchanged after and everything seems to pass by excruciatingly slow. Neither of you had the courage and strength left in your being to call out for the other anymore. Sunwoo would go back to his friends and you would be left alone but that’s alright because you love them all. You would gladly kick yourself out of the picture if it meant that there would be no awkwardness or unsettling feeling in the group.

As soon as Sunwoo disappears from your sight, he takes all the happiness and warmth that he would offer to you unconditionally, but you also hope that he left all his worries and frustrations here at your front door. The clicking of the door when you close it is empty and the dragging steps that you take to the other end of the hallway to your room are still heavy. You had no more words for the devil in your head that laughed at you victoriously, the insecurities bouncing from the purple walls of your room as you sat at the edge of your bed.

But when your phone turns on with a notification that you didn’t expect, you know that the angel inside your head will be working their hardest to strengthen your mindset. There, visible from your lock screen is a new message from Sunwoo. Between your sniffles, you manage to let out a momentary chuckle at the new profile picture: Sunwoo behind you wrapping his arms around your neck, holding his phone out on selfie mode for the both of you to smile at—it’s the latest picture of you both. Your eyes then divert to the new message, one that would push you to keep going until you could face him once more and be back in his arms:

“I’ll always love you too.”

navi/masterlist!! 🤍 'especially to you...' tags (send a dm/ask if you would like to be here!): @deoboyznet 📢❤️ @k-labels 💙🤍 @k-films 🤎🎞️ @kflixnet 📺🍿

[victorbutnotreally]

I don't know - Kim Seungmin x Male Reader

warnings: major character death, mentions of car accident, suicide, self-harm, mentions of coma, swearing, implied depression.

11-8-23

It's been two days since Seungmin got into a car crash. I couldn't bring myself to write the first two days, I barely left the hospital room. God, it hurts so much to see him like that..I can't do this. But he'll get better. I know that. He's not weak…he isn't. We still have that show to watch. I have uncanny counter on my watchlist and I'm not gonna watch it without him.

12-8-23

I'm gonna rip off this page and show it to you, Seung. You're so precious to me. I'll always be there for you. I know you know that already, but I wanted to say it anyway. I almost lost you. You looked so peaceful in that coma, but I was so distraught. I didn't know if you'd wake up…you know I hate not knowing things. I didn't know if you could hear me, or feel anything. I didn't know anything, Min…anything. Future me is gonna be so happy when you wake up. But just know that I believed in you since day 1. I knew you'd wake up. There's no way you wouldn't.

14-8-23

I'm losing hope. He isn't getting any better. Nothing's changing. But I think he'll be fine. He'll probably be fine. I don't know what I'll do without him. He's been by my side since we were babies and I don't know if I'll be able to function properly without him. But…everything's going to be fine. Everything will be okay.

15-8-23

Why isn't he waking up? I'm angry at everything. The world, that drunk bastard who hit my best friend's car, myself for some reason. I know there's no way I could've prevented this, but if I had driven him, maybe, just maybe, none of this would've happened. I don't even believe in God, but why did he let that happen? How could god let such a beautiful soul suffer? He's only 23. He's my everything, and the universe is taking him away from me.

16-8-23

I would've done anything to be in his place, to take away the pain he must be feeling. I wish it was just an organ that had something wrong with it, so I could save him. I'm praying to whatever God there is, just so he could at least let me know he's still there. Just for him to move an eyelid. He doesn't deserve this. He never did and he never will. But I'll stay by his side. I promise.

20-8-23

How is it going, future me? I haven't done anything these past few days, but you already know that. I can't get out of bed and I can't bring myself to eat. But you have to do better, okay? Min could wake up any day and I know he wouldn't want to see me like this. I feel so useless…I don't even know if he can hear me. I've been talking to him, hoping he could hear me, since the day of his accident. But I can't go there anymore…I want to, but I can't see him like that. I can't see him looking like he's dead.

22-8-23

Writing in this goddamn book is the only thing keeping me sane. I still have the entry I need to show Seungmin. I have to show him that myself if when he wakes up. I'm so ashamed of myself… I cut myself just so I could feel something. I can hear his fucking voice in my head calling me an idiot and telling me to stop. But I wanted to feel something. I'm sorry, Seungmin. I know I said I wouldn't do it again all those years back, but I just had to.

23-8-23

Seungmin loved these kinds of dates. 23-8-23..sounds pretty cool. I don't have anything to write, but the date reminded me of him.

24-8-23

I went to the hospital today. It's been a few days since I visited, and I thought he'd be better. But he looked worse, if that was possible. He looked so pale and so fragile. But hey, I look worse too, and I'm alive here. Is that the right word? I don't know. I told him I was sorry for breaking my promise and cutting myself. I kissed his cheek. He doesn't really like kisses, but I know he does. Idiot. I really hoped he'd feel that kiss and wake up to swat my hand away or something.

25-8-23

He's gone. he's dead. my best friend is dead. my Seungmin is dead. why should i live . how could you seungmin? he wouldnt want me to cry so fucking much over him but i don't know if i can even keep living at this rate. i don't know. i don't know and i hate it so much

26-8-23

would i be horrible for not attending his funeral? i can't go and see him dead. he once joked about wanting me to show up to his funeral in cartoon clothes. and i told him that i'd die first. that was kind of my biggest wish, to die before him.

27-8-23

we love him so much. i could see the members trying to keep it together, especially chan hyung… some of them were just broken. they looked as dead as he did. i couldn't bear to look at his family. i wanted to be a good friend. go and comfort them. or something. but i couldn't. should i just end it all? follow that dumbass everywhere like i said i would? at the time, i only meant that damn roller coaster i was scared of, but i'd really follow him everywhere.

28-8-23

i visited his grave. i never thought i'd visit his grave. never. but i wanted to apologize again. for everything.

29-8-23

i can hear his voice in my ears sometimes and i hate it so much. i miss him. i'm scared that the voice would fade.

2-9-23

i can't remember his scent. i have his perfume, but i can't remember what he smelled like. i don't know. i don't know what to do.

3-9-23

i always used to write dates like 3/9/23. one day, i saw his notebook and it he wrote it with dashes in between. it looked so pretty to me, so neat. everything reminds me of him. i didn't know that losing someone would make me sound so cliche. is this me trying to be funny? was that a joke? i let out a huff of air. seungmin would've rolled his eyes for sure.

4-9-23

i can hear his voice fade. i don't want to be alive when it's gone. i don't know how i made it this long. everything hurts. maybe it'll get better. apparently everything gets better. but even if it does, even if i recover, seungmin would still not be there to make fun of me or hug me. i won't get to see his smile in real life again.

5-9-23

its a rainy night. stars and raindrops. is it him? telling me he's okay? but i'm not okay.

BREAKING NEWS: MN LN OF STRAY KIDS FOUND DEAD

[meenawrites]

So.. I finished Alchemy of Souls

Guys, the amount of tears I just shed in front of my entire family in the last episode of part 2 is crazy.

They were just sitting there like, you good? It's fiction as I'm sobbing my eyes out.

Anyway.

I have many thoughts. So many. And I lowkey want to make a separate post for each of them.

But for now I do want to leave some of my impressions about the finale: (spoilers ahead obviously)

I thought it was pretty well done. I expected to be a bit more shocked about the whole Jin Buyeon is Jin Seol-ran plotline but it honestly made sense to me and I feel like it was actually foreshadowed pretty well for the most part, even in season 1.

Also they definitely got me good with the deaths of Park Jin, Maidservant Kim, and Jin Hogyeong (if that's how you spell her name). Like that's when I started crying tbh. (I could care less about Mama Jin tbh, she sucks, but that deserves its own post). And I'm glad that them actually being alive didn't feel like a cop out to me. They established early on that Jin Seol-ran knew what would happen and used that to their advantage so it was believable and didn't feel like a Deus Ex Machina move for them to be saved. Well, maybe one of them should have died (cough–Mama Jin–cough). But it's fine.

I do feel like the last two episodes were kind of rushed though. I don't know if they had budgeting constraints or if Netflix didn't give them more than ten episodes, but I think that they should have had at least 12. Two more episodes would have allowed for more expansion on the climax and allowed them to up the drama more, which I think would have done well for the series over all, and would have been a better payoff.

I think the time could have been used well to flesh out some of the side characters arcs more. I feel like Danggu and Jin Choyeon were kind of pushed off to the side this season, and especially in the latter half, but I would have liked to see more of them and their relationships not only with each other but with Jang Uk and Naksu/Jin Buyeon.

For all intents and purposes, Naksu/Jin Buyeon lived as Jin Choyeon's sister for three years, and we can see that despite everything that happened three years prior, Choyeon did treat her as her sister even knowing the soul was Naksu's and cared about her. I think that could've and should've been expanded upon, her choosing to care about Naksu/Jin Buyeon or how that came to be. Also, after Naksu regained her memory AND found out Jin Mu had been for sure controlling her at the end of Part 1, I would have loved to see the conversation between her and Choyeon about what she did, an apology and an explanation that she would never have done that if she were sane of mind. What I said about Choyeon applies to Naksu as well because she lived three years as Choyeon's sister, and we can tell she cares about her, so I would have loved to see more of her feelings towards her, especially upon remembering all that had transpired in part 1.

When it comes to Danggu, I mean, he's one of Uk's best friends, and he was left out of the loop a lot when it came to anything Naksu-related. I would have liked him to find out or for Uk to tell him at some point and see how he makes peace with that. Because Danggu and Mudeok were friends in part 1 and he supported her (erroneously) in her supposed romance with Seo Yul. But then she killed his fiance's father and tried to attack him. I can't imagine the sense of betrayal he felt, but also finding out that it wasn't her fault and how he could come to terms with that would have been great to see. I also think his whole experience/trauma from part 1 was kind of glossed over. Like his main thing this season was his broken heart after Choyeon didn't end up marrying him, and I think that was making his feelings a bit too one-dimensional there. They do talk about how he feels slightly uncomfortable/doesn't know what to do with Jang Uk at the beginning of the show, but once Seo Yul comes back, that's kind of forgotten about and the three of them just start hanging out again no problem. I would've like to see a bit more about him struggling with becoming Leader of Songrim as well and how he adapted to that amidst his heartbreak for both his love and his friend who he doesn't even know how to act around anymore, and even towards Naksu/Mudeok who kind of ruined his future and that of his best friend but also being intuitive enough (because he is and he has one of the best hearts we've seen in the show) to realize that there's more to the story than her just going on a murder spree.

I've seen some talk about people saying they didn't like the actress for season 2 as much as season 1 (forgive me, I forgot their names), but I think both brought something good to the table.

Season 1 actress for Mudeok was really good. Her facial expressions were spot on and her chemistry with Lee Jaewook and the other cast members was really good. I think she definitely had great stage presence and made the show popular in the first place. I just don't agree that season 2 actress was worse.

I think season 2 actress definitely put in the work and embodied who Naksu/Jin Buyeon was for the majority of the series. There were times where she made expressions that perfectly resembled/echoed Naksu/Mudeok's that really got me like yes they are the same person even if she doesn't remember. She may have been cuter than we were used to with out sharp-tongued and emotion-resistant Mudeok, but I think Naksu needed that. As Mudeok and before then she didn't have the luxury to be more emotional and girly, it's only now in this body that she does, and I'm glad she had the opportunity to express that side of herself that had never seen the light of day.

We did get a glimpse of that side of her at the end of part 1 where she's playing around with makeup and what might make her look pretty, and it really spoke to all that she had missed out on and had to give up in order to survive. So yeah despite all the angst, I'm glad Naksu/Jin Buyeon had that opportunity through season 2 actress who played it really well while keeping in line with the essence of Naksu/Mudeok.

This whole thing about Naksu being the shadow to Jang Uk's light and if light exists then it needs a shadow broke my heart you guys, it was so perfect. And the fact that they were each other's light and shadow at different points but were also wholly necessary to each other in that was beautiful. I want to talk more about this in a separate post, so I'll table this metaphor for now.

Shout out to Crown Prince Go Won, a great character this whole season in terms of both comedic relief and massive character growth. So good.

Uk's arc was fantastic too but again want to save that for a full post.

Those are my out of order first thoughts about part 2, but I have SO MUCH MORE to discuss, so I will come back for sure. I just needed to scream to the world for a bit (virtually of course).

Question though for all of you more knowledgeable in the k-drama world: is there going to be a season 3?

[subskz]

hi!!! how ya doing???

have you listened to skz ai covers?

i recently saw a han jisung cover of ‘treat me like a sl*t’ by kim petras and i thought it fit him so well. i’m not the best at scenarios but check me out:

reader and hannie have been in a relationship for a few months and sex is mostly soft bc the reader doesn’t want to make our cutie uncomfortable.

ofc han being the desperate man he is wants to be completely ruined by reader.

so he starts bratting out, interrupting phone calls, flopping directly on top of you, etc.

so you obvs have to punish him

so one day (or night) y’all are about to get down. do the deed. butter the biscuit.

idk how this part will play out exactly but you get down to business and after you make him repeat his safeword (ssc) you ask him if he knows exactly what he’s in for, bc you’re not going gentle rn.

smth like “i think i’ve spoiled you too much, so i’m going to give you exactly what you deserve. and you’ll take everything i give you.”

so he says “please….treat me like a slut, *insert title of choice*”

i’m not good at this but you can imagine right???? desperation in his lust-widened eyes, swallowing slightly, heart shaped adam’s apple bobbing in his throat?

if you leave him with sore muscles and several marks all over his body (which he will absolutely brag about, skz are sick of it lol) then that’s between the two of you.

anyways, make sure to drink plenty of water, eat good food and sleep well!!!

hellooo i’m doing very good i hope you are too! and thank u for ur kind words!! please be sure to take care of yourself as well <33

i have not listened to skz ai covers! i kinda tend to avoid ai stuff but i’m glad it could spark this idea in you hehe i agree i think it suits hannie very well~ have u seen this compilation of him sticking his tongue out…i definitely think that’d be another one of his attempts at acting out to hint that he wants you to be rough w him and put him in his place…jisung is a man of many talents and knowing how to push your buttons is one of them

yes i can absolutely imagine that awed, irresistible doe-eyed look he’d gaze up at you with when you finally decide to give him what he’s been aching for so badly. he’s so adorably obvious abt it you’d catch on right away, but seeing how far he’ll go is part of the fun!! his heart-shaped adam’s apple ㅠ i think it’d make him especially crazy if you rest your hand on his throat as you tell him exactly how a brat like him gets dealt with, feeling the way his breathing picks up and how he swallows nervously under ur palm 💓 suddenly he’s not so mouthy anymore, n all he can mumble out is that shy little plea

he would most definitely try to show off abt it to skz LMAOO he would be so proud wearing low cut shirts or letting his shirt/shorts ride up to casually reveal the marks you left all over him…he worked hard to earn them after all!

[pupyuj]

→ “long overdue.” || kim jiwon (liz) x reader.

— jiwon reunites with you, her old fling, at her brother’s bachelor party and with the sparks still in the air, you don’t waste any time to get familiar with her once more…

word count: 5.2k.

dynamic: dom!bottom!liz x sub!top!reader.

warnings: age gap (it's not much!), unnie kink, fwb to lovers, nipple play, oral fixation, cunnilingus, fingering, thigh riding, orgasm denial, edging.

a/n: FINALLY! a jiwon fic from moi 😭😭 this was supposed to be posted earlier on valentine's day but alas 💀 i really do wish i could've dropped something for feb 14th but back then i was bitter, lonely, sad, and angry so trying to write something cute and lovey-dovey was just not ideal LMAO but anyways, i hope you guys enjoy this fic 💚 only one more member and i will have officially written a fic for each of the ive unnies! WE CAN DO IT!! 😤✨ also i'm pretty sure i'm missing some warnings/tags but i'm too sleepy to remember them so...

jiwon doesn’t know why she agreed to chaperone her grown brother to his stupid bachelor party. as far as she knew, it was a boy thing. according to her brother, however, she was an exception and so, jiwon finds herself seated at the farthest corner of the bar in what might be the most expensive nightclub she has ever set foot in. she hasn’t even downed her first drink yet—she merely made a tiny tornado with the small umbrella while keeping an eye on her little brother and his ridiculous group of friends.

some of them were familiar to her, some weren’t. and some have repeatedly asked for her number in the past two and a half hours they’ve been in the place. it was after the eleventh time it happened that jiwon decided to go on her lonesome and sat on that one corner of the bar, silently waiting for the little party to end so she could get her nice, long and certainly well-deserved, sleep. jiwon really wished that she came up with some boring excuse to avoid this event. unfortunately, she couldn’t say no to her brother who was so kind to include her! 

perhaps he knew that jiwon needed to look at something that wasn’t the view from the big windows of that fancy condominium where she lives. on top of all that, jiwon has been working harder than usual. but that’s only because she quite literally has nothing else to do in her life. all of her friends were busy, she was busy, and it’s not like she can just hit up her coworkers for a quick drink after work when she barely knew them. in hindsight, jiwon sort of needed this!

jiwon raises her glass to her lips, but stops midway when something curious catches her attention. a girl, a bit younger than jiwon herself, confidently marches up towards her brother and does a very familiar handshake with him before hugging him tightly. jiwon watches as the girl and her brother chat a bit. they exchanged a few jokes here and there, the girl hands him a small bag (a gift to his soon-to-be wife, possibly), then her brother whispers in the girl’s ear as he exchanges glances with jiwon, and suddenly both of them were looking at her from across the nightclub.

jiwon nearly drops her glass when she sees the girl’s face clearly. it was you—(y/n) (l/n), her brother’s former roommate and best friend all throughout college! jiwon has met you before! back when her life was a goddamn mess and her entire family thought that you were her brother’s girlfriend. but then it turns out you were more like… his sister from a different family and so that was when you and jiwon started getting to know each other.

perhaps you got to know each other a bit too well… because jiwon remembers all those times when the two of you would hang out in her room for hours and f—

“jiwon-unnie!”

the blonde haired girl springs up from her seat and waved as you squeezed through multiple crowds of people until you got to her. wow, you were beautiful. taller, older, and obviously so much prettier than the last time jiwon saw you.

which was in between her le—

“i missed you so much!” you engulfed jiwon in a crushing bear-hug which she awkwardly returned. “oh wow, unnie, you’re gorgeous! blonde fits you so well.” you were saying as you pulled away, taking in all of jiwon’s features and even threading her soft hair from behind. jiwon got goosebumps under your touch—how the fuck was she supposed to act normal in this situation?

“i am so glad you’re here because as much as i love him, i’m not as much of a boys girl anymore.” you pulled jiwon back to her seat, taking the empty one right beside hers and immediately telling the bartender about your favorite drink. jiwon finds herself completely speechless. literally. you were vibrant, you were chatty, you were so charming—everything jiwon remembers that you were all those years ago.

“mmm. never gets old.” you said after taking the first sip of your drink. you then turned to jiwon who flinched upon making eye contact with you. “what have you been doing these days, unnie? i know you’re like, some kind of big deal at this rich-people company you work for but you know… what else?” you eyed jiwon up and down before smiling at her. not even the darkness and the nearly seizure-inducing lights of the nightclub could hide that familiar glint in your eyes, but jiwon chose to ignore them.

she couldn’t help but glance at how your skirt is hiked up after you’ve put one leg over the other though.

“um, i haven’t been doing much, really. just… work and making sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.” jiwon said, nodding her head to her brother who was pretty buzzed at this time.

you laughed, “you guys never really changed, huh? glad to see it.” you took another sip of your drink.

“only this time i’m helping him with his road to being a husband instead of a project due in thirty minutes.” jiwon shakes her head at the memory, and she likes the way it makes you smile brightly.

“right… and are you still with wonyoung-ssi?” you asked with caution. yet you stared at jiwon as you did so, making sure she sees your ulterior motive through your eyes. jiwon feels herself crumbling under the weight of your stare, as much as she tries to put up a fight of her own.

“no… no, that’s been over for a while now.” it was a good breakup. one that ended with laughter rather than tears and anger. jiwon still talks with wonyoung to this day. why, only a week ago, wonyoung had called jiwon about her brother’s wedding! she expressed her regret about not being able to attend it due to scheduling conflicts—the life of an acclaimed supermodel was busy after all!

you looked significantly happier with the news, now gulping down your drink with a smile on your face. “h-how about you? he never told me what you did after you guys graduated…” jiwon attempts to have some control of the situation—sitting up straight, staring back at you with the same intensity, and all. was she successful? no. jiwon’s blushes as you held your stare with hers, an amused smirk now on your lips before you flipped your hair over your shoulder.

shiiit, jiwon remembers how perfect your neck looks while covered with marks left by her… oh gods, what is wrong with her?!

“well, after college, i did try getting my career started… but that didn’t work out. i ended up going back to my hometown to get back in touch with my heart and all that sentimental bullshit, and it actually worked,” you giggled, your hand brushing across your hair. “i know what i want to do in my life, but for now, i’m just…” you trailed off, raising your drink as well as quirking your eyebrow. “having fun before i can’t.” now your glass is finally empty.

“that’s good. and i’m glad the two of you are still friends. i was worried you’d grow apart.” it always made jiwon smile when she came home after a rough day at her old job and seeing you and her brother in the house, chatting and fooling around as if you weren’t burdened by all your commitments and responsibilities. it had always been refreshing seeing you, and it still is.

you propped your elbow on the table and put your chin on your palm, flashing jiwon a teasing smile, “did you miss me, unnie?”

and just like that, every ounce of confidence jiwon built up evaporates into nothing. she laughs awkwardly, hiding behind her drink, “o-of course! it was weird not seeing you guys together all the time, you know!” another awkward laugh. jiwon felt ridiculous and childish.

“no, unnie,” you moved closer, putting your hand on jiwon’s arm. she turned her head to look at you again and there you were, staring at her with clouded eyes. you then leaned closer and put your other arm behind her, your lips ghosting above her ear. shitshitshit, that’s too close. “did you miss me?”

what happened moments later isn’t exactly what jiwon would say was… a mistake. hell, it was far from it.

being trapped between the door of your hotel room and yourself while getting her neck marked up and her clothes slowly stripped down is the most eventful jiwon’s night has been.

jiwon could feel her brother’s worry all the way from here… well, it’s mainly because she knew that all the buzzing that her phone was doing in her pocket was because of him mass texting her about her whereabouts. she couldn’t be bothered to text him back right now though, not when you were already trailing your hand up her thigh and sliding it underneath her skirt. this felt familiar, and it felt good. feeling you gently rub her wet cunt through her panties felt good, feeling you softly biting on her collarbone felt good, seeing those cute eyes of yours asking for permission while you tugged on her panties felt good.

how long has it been since jiwon felt this kind of rush in her life? too long, she’d say. so why not make the most out of it?

jiwon cups your cheeks and crashes her lips into yours for the first time that night. your lips tasted like blueberries (from whatever you were drinking earlier), and jiwon loved the way you kissed her rather clumsily as if you didn’t expect her to do it first. jiwon couldn’t get enough. she pushes you further inside the room, discarding you of your jacket while doing so. she sits you down on the edge of the bed before separating from your lips and suddenly walking off, leaving you confused and slightly light-headed.

turns out, jiwon only went away to turn the lampshade on, illuminating the room with a warm orange glow before going back to you. she stared you down with hooded eyes, lust replacing the kind look in her irises that you knew and loved, and then she gently grabs your jaw, tilting your head up. you squeezed your thighs together, trying to soothe that ache in your core. god, you missed her.

“make this worth it, (y/n).” jiwon says coldly. even jiwon herself was surprised at her tone, but something in her brain liked how you crumbled under her stare. compared to the timid, nervous jiwon from earlier, bossy and demanding and… kind of harsh jiwon just did something right to you.

“you’ve always been worth it.” you pulled jiwon towards you by her hips, making her sit down on your lap. you feel her brushing your hair with her fingers, allowing you to release the tension on your shoulders and just melt into her. you’ve missed her warmth, and she’s missed yours. jiwon didn’t understand why you left when you did… but that was a question you were going to answer for her later.

much, much later.

jiwon moans softly as you start kissing her neck. your hands get busy with the remaining buttons on her shirt, revealing more of her skin for you to mark up throughout the night. you’ve already left some earlier, and they were starting to show across her chest but that wasn’t enough. you slowly pull off her shirt and let it drop to the ground, then your hands travel lower on jiwon’s body, stopping at the waistband of her skirt.

you were eager to touch her—unzipping her skirt and whining to get her to stand up and let it fall at her feet before you pulled her back into you. jiwon couldn’t help but laugh while you kissed her hungrily, and then she giggled even more when you rolled around and made her lay on her back on the bed.

you pouted cutely as you observed her and her baby pink lingerie, “hmm… were you expecting to sleep with someone in that club, unnie? you looked prepared.”

jiwon thought it was the perfect time to tease such a normally confident girl like you. so she nodded with a shit-eating grin, “the lady bartender was cute actually.” she laughs when you suddenly hop off of her abdomen, choosing to sit on the side of the bed instead. you were taking off your shoes, setting them aside before starting to discard yourself of your jewelry and putting them on the bedside table. jiwon watches you intently, her desire for you only growing by the second.

“come on, get in here already.”  jiwon tugged on your sleeve, more than ready to feel your lips on her skin once again. she decided to sit up and help you with your dress though, reaching for the zipper and slowly pulling it down. she didn’t waste the opportunity to leave kisses on the back of your neck, all the way down to the middle of your back, making sure that her lipstick sticks on your skin and smiling satisfied once she sees that it did.

finally, jiwon could see all of you after all these years, and you were just as beautiful as the last time she saw you. jiwon couldn’t resist immediately grabbing your face and kissing you as you climbed into the bed—she longed to feel your skin against hers again and now that you were here, she doesn’t think she ever wants to let you go like she did back then. so, jiwon holds onto you tightly, letting you settle yourself on top of her once again while your hands impatiently explore her perfect body. your hands reach behind jiwon, unclasping her bra and throwing it aside, your hands quickly finding themselves busy fondling her soft breasts.

it was cute to see that you still adored her tits as much as you did back then. you did that thing you always did when you were intimate with jiwon, kissing all over her chest, making sure to cover every inch of skin while still massaging her tits. jiwon caresses your hair as you did your job, laughing softly in an adoring way, her smile only widening when you look up at her with your own grin.

“you’re so pretty, jiwon-unnie.” you gave the older girl one last quick kiss on the lips before leaning down and taking her nipple in your mouth. jiwon gasps at the feeling of your warm tongue slowly swirling around her nipple. it was familiar, like all of the other things you’ve done to her so far, but it also felt new at the same time. because this time, the two of you were much older, and you were doing this purely out of your true feelings for each other rather than a decision made on a whim. jiwon moans loudly when you softly and carefully bite on the hard bud, but she was quick to regain composure when she notices something quite… well, interesting.

jiwon sees how you humped the mattress slightly, trying your best to soothe that buzzing in your core on your own. jiwon decides to swiftly slide her thigh in between your legs and press it against your wet cunt, feeling all satisfied when you whine and start slowly grinding on her thigh for further stimulation. your hand that was pinching her other nipple was now gripping the sheets as you started riding jiwon’s thigh faster, whining even more as you feverishly sucked and nipped on her tit. jiwon grins, loving how she hasn’t lost her special little talent of reducing you to her obedient pet. she starts meeting your little thrusts by raising her thigh—somehow, the sight of you like this had her soaked, but you haven’t noticed at all. you were too busy trying to get yourself off!

you had to let go of jiwon’s nipple eventually, now hugging her close and whining at her chest because you were feeling so good. you’ve started shaking and your moans were shorter and higher—it only meant one thing! jiwon takes a fistful of your hair and pulls your face up to make you look at her, ignoring how you winced at the pain.

“don’t cum.” she says strictly, her grip on your hair tightening by the second the more you thrust into her thigh.

“b-but..! hnng.. i’m s-so close…! so close…” the pout, the tears, that desperate tone in your voice… jiwon almost wanted to fold, but she wasn’t in the mood for that.

“you don’t get to cum before me ever, remember? be good.”

as much as it upset you, you slowly decreased your pace until you were merely sitting on her thigh. jiwon smiles—she was happy to know that she still had some sort of hold over you. she knew she always did! why, you were always clingy towards jiwon whenever her brother invited you over, and that was even before the two of you started sleeping with each other. she always used it to her advantage, mostly in bed, of course. something else jiwon always liked: that pitiful look on your cute face when she denies you of your release. you’d always look so timid after, afraid that if you spoke incorrectly, jiwon might stop the whole thing entirely.

but jiwon was never that cruel. she’d tease you, sure, but she would always make sure to give you what you want. just as long as she gets hers first.

“look,” you watched as jiwon’s hand traveled down from her stomach to her panties. she was drenched; your fault. “do something.” she demands. shit. the dark tone in her voice and the stern look on her face was enough to get you to move lower. you pulled off jiwon’s panties, your heart beating so fast for no goddamn reason. it has been a very long time since you have seen jiwon, let alone like this. acting like this, looking at you like this. it’s got you weak.

you stared at jiwon’s pussy. soaked, tight, perfect, and most importantly, all for you.

“how cute. you’re practically drooling.” jiwon impatiently puts her hand atop your head and brings your face closer to her needy cunt. you hoisted her legs over your shoulder, then you started leaving kisses along her inner thighs—deep and sensual kisses, slow and careful right up until your lips barely ghosted above her pussy. jiwon stares at you with anticipation, you stare back at her; your eyes now dark and hungry. you keep eye contact as you licked up her cunt once, smirking while you felt jiwon’s entire body shiver at the feeling. she pushes your head a little closer, so fucking desperate that you almost wanted to be petty and tease her, but she would probably hit you for that.

and so, you give her what she wants. within seconds of your lips touching her cunt once more, you were practically making out with it. goosebumps appeared along your skin as your tongue slowly got familiar with jiwon’s taste again. it felt right, like the stars have finally realigned themselves after years of floating about the expansive universe, lost. you put your hands to use, spreading her lips apart and pleasuring her clit.

“g-good…! there… mmhn.. (y/n)-ah…!” jiwon grabs a fistful of your hair again, pushing you impossibly closer to her cunt, practically grinding it against your face. you wrap your lips around the sensitive bud, sucking softly and moaning at jiwon’s sheer taste. fuck, it was all too good. you use one hand to grip one of her thighs, sinking your nails down to her skin, and spreading it further so you could have room.

“fuck..! i want to cum, (y/n)… m-more, more..! please…” jiwon’s back arches right as you flick the sensitive bud. you slipped your tongue inside her cunt, making jiwon moan just a tad bit louder than the hotel room walls would recommend her to. the next rooms most likely heard that—good. everyone needs to know how amazing you make her feel. how you’re the only one who can make her feel this way. and everyone’s going to know it again; you used your free hand to rub jiwon’s clit since your tongue was too busy inside her.

normally, this would’ve made jiwon cum. but she was strong this time around. “fucking—god, (y/n)…! more.. more…” jiwon pleads while on the verge of tears. you free her thigh of your grip and hold her hand instead, at least it helped her ground herself at least. the more you used your tongue inside her, the more you felt her clench. her grip gets tighter, both on your hand and on your hair. you briefly glanced upwards and saw her closing her eyes shut—she was close. but you found yourself being torn between letting her reach her climax now, stall a bit longer, or… make her orgasm just a lot stronger.

you pulled out your tongue from her cunt. jiwon hisses and nearly hits you on the head for slowing down and going back to sucking on her clit as you previously did. she glared at you, but was immediately back to being at your mercy when you unexpectedly inserted two of your fingers inside her. god, she was still tight. you stared in awe as you fucked jiwon in an excrutiatingly slow pace, merely watching as her pussy clenches around your digits. you pushed further, now knuckle-deep inside jiwon. you could cum from the sensation of her spongy walls brushing against your fingertips alone but you had to keep her rule in mind.

“m-mouth… use your mouth, (y/n).. ah!” and happily you did! your mouth and fingers worked in unison on jiwon’s pussy—every time you pulled out, you’d suck and lick her clit, the routine now going back to you. you’re remembering all the things she liked done to her, even down to the tiniest details. like eye contact. your eyes fluttered open, peering at jiwon through your fringe. she was already staring at you, her face contorted to show much pleasure you were bringing to her. jiwon has never once tried to conceal her noises and she wasn’t going to ask you to slow down or anything either. you both needed this, and unfortunately for this entire damn hotel, they were going to know just how much.

jiwon loosens her grip on your head once she realizes just how tight she was holding it, now threading your hair and only gently nudging you closer whenever she thinks your mouth isn’t doing enough. you curled your fingers inside her, making her tense up once more and bring her to that familiar edge. “please, please, please…!” jiwon whispers desperately like a prayer with a single tear running down her cheek. you increased your pace and buried your face in her cunt, not caring about making a mess of your face. all you cared about was satisfying your jiwon-unnie, and that you were successful when you brought her to a mind-blanking orgasm with a single flick of your tongue.

a long moan escapes jiwon’s lips as you continue to eat her out through her climax. god, she was delectable. you were determined to not waste a single drop of her cum, lapping her up like a dog and once more relishing at the taste of her juices on your tongue. you pull out your fingers as well, making sure jiwon sees you sucking on it to show her just how much you enjoy how she tastes. jiwon was beyond flustered and she was feeling all sorts of things—overwhelmed, weak, and perhaps most importantly of all, so fucking desperate to make you feel just as good.

you don’t hear her at first. jiwon was speaking in a small voice since she was still weak from everything you did, but you do hear her later on. “come here, baby,” the nickname practically sends you scurrying over on top of her again. jiwon wipes your chin clean with her hand, smiling brightly at you as she pulls you in for a sweet kiss. she can taste herself on your lips and your tongue, and a part of her understands why you’re so addicted. “unnie’s turn, hm?” she whispers against your lips… but her kisses have sent your brain elsewhere, hence your surprised gasp when you felt her gently rub your clit through your panties.

“hah… you’re still super sensitive here?” jiwon asked.

“t-that’s my clit, unnie.. of course, i’m—ahh—sensitive there…” cheeky. even when you’re the one at her mercy now. you pulled your panties off, throwing over to the pile of clothes on the carpeted floor. jiwon was teasing you: tracing your lips with her fingers, barely letting her fingertips touch your entrance, and not even giving your clit the attention it needs now. you whine as you grind down on jiwon’s hand, desperate for more contact but she refuses to touch you.

“aww, what’s with that face?” jiwon coos, laughing slightly. you had a mix of desperation and irritation on your face. it was annoying how she was being annoying, especially at such a crucial time but you knew the exact thing you had to do to get her going.

“unnie. please. i need you…” you pleaded. jiwon leans back on the pillow behind her, finding it so amusing to watch you slowly lose every ounce of self-respect just so you can cum. fuck, if jiwon wanted to be cruel, she could! she could make you beg all night, see those pretty eyes of yours shine with tears as you cry… the sick part of jiwon really wanted it all to come true, but she’s missed you too much to prolong this any further. and so, she pushes your face closer to her by the back of your neck, kissing you passionately just to get you to calm down.

one word jiwon would use to describe how she felt for the events that followed? relieving.

it was relieving to feel your warmth around the three fingers she inserted in your pussy at once, to feel your tongue inside her mouth, to bleed slightly from the way you held onto her arms so tightly, and it was most relieving to hear you say her name so sweetly. you can have such a dirty mouth with so many vulgar words to say, especially from years before when you were younger, but whenever you were with jiwon, you were a different person. jiwon was one of the only people who you allowed to see you like this: soft, weak, and so endearing. it seems like you haven’t changed that aspect about you, and that fact within itself was relieving to jiwon.

“unnie…!” you buried your head on the crook of jiwon’s neck as you felt every inch of her fingers brush against all of your sweet spots. as expected, things were always different when it came to jiwon. being so vulnerable to other people terrified you to the point where it was almost impossible to let your heart open to them, but jiwon made it so simple. but now that you were right here, looking at jiwon and feeling her everywhere, maybe it wasn’t just simply her that made it possible for you to let yourself fall.

wait… fall?

yes. fall. all this time—you’ve fallen for jiwon but too many things made it complicated for you to fully embrace it. but now you are ready.

“i’m so happy, (y/n),” jiwon’s voice felt like a dream. you almost couldn’t hear her properly due to how much her fingers overwhelmed you. the older girl used her free hand to lift your chin, making you look at her, before kissing your lips—it has always been her favorite thing to do. “i’m so happy you came back to me. i don’t know how to express how much i missed you… surely not with words, not even with this…” jiwon plunges her fingers deep, shushing you while you moan loudly. god, she knew you too well. knew which spot to hit to get you to lose your mind, knew the exact words to whisper in your ear when she notices you were slipping away from reality, and knew exactly how to make your heart beat like it never has before.

jiwon pulls her index finger out, now fucking you faster than she ever has with the only fingers she has inside you. “good girl. god, baby… you’re getting me wet again.” jiwon locks one of her legs around yours, keeping you in place. her palm slams against your sensitive clit, bringing tears to your eyes even though you grinded on her hand desperately to feel it over and over again. part of the reason why jiwon always needed to be the one to be fucked first is because you get so tired after your turn that you just pass out, and you never got out of that habit it seems. jiwon sees how the light was escaping your eyes, it was only a matter of time before you were too exhausted to keep yourself awake.

“hm, we have to be careful, huh? can you handle it, love?”

you nodded frantically, afraid that she’d slow down had you answered otherwise, “y-yes..! ahh, yes, i can. i can, unnie.. i can—mmhn..! i can take it…” you started moving your hips, riding jiwon’s fingers just to get closer and closer for that climax you’ve been chasing after the entire night. jiwon was thoroughly amused at how determined you were. normally, you’d give up or tap out if you found it all too much, but jiwon knows you want to be good for her. especially after all this time.

“you’re so cute… but don’t worry, baby,” jiwon places a sweet, deep kiss on your damp forehead. “we have all the time in the world now.”

a curl of her fingers later and you were cumming on jiwon’s hand. the older girl stopped her movements, afraid of overstimulating you. she whispers sweet words into your ears as you let yourself go, at least that's what you think she’s doing. you could barely keep your eyes open, let alone hear. but despite your consciousness slowly slipping away from you, you still felt jiwon gently lay you down on the spot next to her. she holds you close enough that she is within kissing distance.

she was so perfect—how could you have left her?

“unnie…” you tucked a piece of her behind her ear. her laugh makes your ears tingle. you faintly hear her ask if you’re feeling okay, to which you nodded weakly at. you can see her lips move, she was saying a few things, but you can’t hear her over the sound of your heartbeat. you cup her cheek, lean close, and kiss her. maybe it was your favorite thing to do, just like her. and then, words that have always been expected to be unsaid leave your lips. some feelings that have been kept hidden, secrets that you were afraid of letting slip.

“i love you, jiwon-unnie.”

long overdue, sure. even jiwon felt it before you ever said it to her. but she thinks that your bashful smile, the way you shyly looked away from her, and your precious reaction to her saying it back made it all worth the wait.

[webtoon-related-tournaments]

Who's Shin?

lil guy. lil goof :] she has my entire heart (she could also probably eat my entire heart). constantly struggling against the narrative (both narratives). deserves the world.

So uh. Yuseung is a child character - but due to Meta Shenangians we also see her in flashbacks (flash forwards?) as an adult (omniscient reader is essentially about a guy who gets isekai-ed into a timeloop story, but he's in one of the earliest loops so he knows not only what happens later, but what happens in later timeloops). So anyway like everyone in ORV, Yeuseung is Doomed by the Narrative - for one thing she's stuck in a city-wide death game (at eleven years old!!!), and for another one of the villains is literally her from the future, which means several other characters want to kill her to destroy her future self.

Who's Gilyoung?

hes just a little guy that likes bugs! he’s killed people! he has a rivalry with another child!

Yuseong plays a big role in the story, Gilyeong is a bit more minor; although he also is very regularly present in the main group. Yuseong can tame basically any animal , but in some timelines she grows up to be a catastrophe. Gil can communicate with all insects, and more or less command them to his aid. Both are kind of the MC (Dokja Kim)’s child figures, unofficially. He’s taken them both under his wing at varying points. Honestly both kids are really OP, and sometimes seem competitive about Dokja’s attention/sponsorship to them.

[henghost]

Twig Liveblog for Arc 13

aaaaaa ‼️‼️‼️ idk if i've metabolized my thoughts enough to be fully coherent about them but i feel like i'll burn alive if i don't get them out, so:

it's like, after 3.1-10: "oh this is fun! a little cat and mouse game with the lambs." then after 3.11: "i am ready to commit grievous acts of violence." the earlier chapters are nonetheless worth discussing as without them there could not be such a "devastating" fifth-act catastrophe. particularly the communication experiments fascinated me. what a perfect metaphor! what if a radio could feel fear? what if a a radio could feel love? might we not also ask--what if a weapon could feel horny?

of course the lillian perspective deserves special attention as well. even before she says so explicitly, we understand that she is "ruined." there is her drug use, her physiological response to even the smallest mention of sy. this is perhaps the anatomical effect of being so close as the lambs, who are essentially a single organism: losing one, especially the one to whom you were closest, is like cutting off a limb. poor girl! like the rest of them she's wrapped up in shit too vast to possibly understand much less overcome.

helen is also going through it :( maybe she'll be the next one to join sy... mary's perspective is also quite rough--this is when i realized that this sy guy is on a level of psychosis i hadn't really considered before lmao.

and then at last there's That Scene with lillian, which reads at first like some kind of fanfiction--some kind of fanfiction lillian herself might have written--complete with typically teenaged overdetail, melodramatic descriptions of flushes, body heat, etc., till finally there's a sort of "surrealist coup," we realize we are too deep in sy's subjectivity to understand the reality of the situation, there's a break, we are lost.

it's all just so (say the line, henghost!) freudian... one of freud's most correct insights is that eros permeates all aspects of life, and therefore that to deny, suppress, or compartmentalize it cannot achieve anything but to make it sick, make the host neurotic. for example, instead of simply fucking your best friend who's clearly into you, you might design an obscenely elaborate rube goldberg type contraption throughout a monument to your darkest trauma (that psychotic fucking carnival orphanage lmao) in order to "win" your ex back. it is wrong, therefore, though understandable, to say that sy has "castrated himself"--it would be more accurate to say that wyvern has his dick twisted up in knots while he's still trying to get hard, poor guy. (by the way, i really have to write something about how wyvern is an allegory for ssri's lol.)

i won't even broach the moral ambiguity, though i'm sure there's something interesting to be said about it--for me, it's like asking about the morality of a withered tree or oedipus rex. and it really is that sophoclean: it was doomed to happened; it was fate. it is written into jamie's dna. sy is a gun who wants, and a gun cannot help but fire. libido is the engine pushing us down a railway designed at best by deus sive natura or at worst by the Academy. i feel fucking sick to my stomach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nonetheless, i found it life-affirming. it's pessimistic, yes, but it's a pessimism of strength.

anyway, i've gotta give kudos to the author. for all the (deserved) shit i've given him, the wildbow of twig is clearly a far more mature writer than the wildbow of worm.

i must also--since this the last recorded arc for the audiobook!!--shoutout kim dauber, who provided professional-level audibook-reading for free!!! it's possible my reading will slow down without it :(

[jujitto]

▬▬ [ 𝗔𝗧𝗘𝗘𝗭 ] AS HORROR MOVIE TROPES

KIM HONGJOONG [ 김홍중 ] ; I don’t know why, but he definitely gives me the vibe of the skeptic, or as some people like to call them the harbinger of doom. He’s the one that warns people of the said killer going around and killing people but no one really listens to him because they think he’s crazy. So of course when he ends up dead, everyone is like OMG maybe he was right. Nah dip he was right because he tried to warn you idiots and now he’s dead. He died by the hands of the killer he tried to warn you about.

PARK SEONGHWA [ 박성화 ] ; Seonghwa for some reason, gives me the vibe of the person who would try to keep everyone together, making sure no one splits off into their own directions. He’s just trying to get everyone to survive at this point and yet he’s failing. Because everyone seems to go off on their own, leaving him by himself, which inevitably gets him killed. In better terms. He deserves better in the end. Maybe if the other people were smart and didn’t go off on their own, he maybe would’ve survived. The one you feel sympathy for in the end.

JEONG YUNHO [ 정윤호 ] ; Yunho. Now our boy Yunho would be the nice guy of sorts. Probably the main character's best friend, love interest, or brother depending on how the story is going. He would be one of the last people to die, considering he knows how to survive. Tries to be the one to calm down any tension in the room. He just tries his best to get through the movie as much as possible without dying. But in the end, he ends up dying anyway, because in horror movies no one but the main character survives mostly, which is kind of crazy and stupid.

KANG YEOSANG [ 강여상 ] ; Yeosang our lovely Yeosang is most definitely the loner. Probably one of the first people to go off on their own when Seonghwa tells them not too. He’s the one who doesn’t stick around long enough to find out who’s been killed or not. Everyone suspects that he is the killer because he’s never around and always seems to appear when there’s a dead body found. He’s most likely going to be the one who survives to the end, and appears in the sequel, because why not. And who knows he probably is working with the killer.

CHOI SAN [ 최산 ] ; San would most certainly be a part of the couple in a horror movie. Him, and you already know who else is gonna be a part a couple would be going off on their own just being around one another, and not really paying any attention to their surroundings, and then the last second the killer would strike, killing them both. Maybe if they didn’t stick around each other they would both still be alive.

SONG MINGI [ 송민기 ] ; Now Mingi. Our princess Mingi would most likely be the pawn or otherwise known as the person who started it all. Whether that be by opening a box they shouldn’t have, messing with the demonic demon board, or messing with someone they shouldn't have. He’s definitely going to be one of the people that dies first other than the harbinger of doom. The character you won’t feel any sympathy for because they kind of deserved what they got. Hey, maybe you shouldn’t have messed with someone or something because in the end they paid the price.

JUNG WOOYOUNG [ 정우영 ] ; The second part of the couple. Wooyoung definitely gives me the cheerleader type of vibes. For some absolute reason. Just like with San, these two would always be with each other wondering off when they aren't supposed to. For some reason, I can see him tripping over an imaginary rock, which is kind of crazy and funny at the same time. But yeah, the couple always seems to go off on their own not really paying attention and getting killed by the killer who manages to kill them both at once, or manages to a lure one of them off by themselves and kills one before going after the other. So yeah, the couple kind of sucks.

CHOI JONGHO [ 최종호 ] ; Now Maknae Jongho is none other than the killer. He just gives that type of vibe. In the beginning he seems like any other person trying to survive but slowly over time he just continues to lose it (probably because of mingi) and eventually starts killing. However he doesn't attract anyone's attention so of course when the others start accusing each other of being the killer no one even suspects him. The moment when someone does expect him he won't instantly put them on the hit list until they are very last person he has to kill. Just so he can laugh in their face and explain that they were right the whole time. Oh and he most definitely has help from Yeosang.