#anyway im. struggling! just in general! :-)
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A drawing of exit glacier that I was going to use in the stonestar story but decided not to finish it, this is an interpretation of how it may have looked a few hundred years ago when the glacier was less receded
#the drawing holds up as is i could’ve probably used it anyway#sorry for another hiatus as you can see i am. struggling to find a balance between my real life schedule/comic schedule and just my general#motivation. which has been nonexistent recently#i really don’t want to start posting again until i have decent backlog hence the delay. this is my first time comicing so im learning as i#go#my art#lore#scenery
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Modern au with a strong theme of Hiccup coping with his leg better than all the people around him and it's low key pissing him off
#hiccup haddock#what.. im not projecting#anyways woke up w a shit ton of notes n ideas for my modern au i dont remember writinf so thats cool#rotbtd modern au#i feel like he'd be more traumatized from [undecided event that caused the injury] than the fact he had an amputation#and would be obviously frustrated about such major changes in the way he does things but#itd be different than the like conern (pity) other ppl show#he makes a leg joke and stoick just looks at him sadly/uncomfortably or ppl stare like 'do i laugh or..?'#(obviously. people generally dont make jokes abt their disabilities out loud if theyre not okay with you laughing 😭)#the point is the way hes treated would be wildly different in a modern au especially one not taking place on berk#my aus#moth.txt#lots more thoughts on this n the feelings he will have (in a fic i may or may not write) but im struggling to articulate them#mainly is the frustration though. frustration with yourself but moreso how the people around you suddenly change their behavior due#to your disability and Not in a good way.#the balance between learning to accept help and coming to terms with it but also not#letting people coddle you or making sure they know when they overstep#etc etc etc. like i said: struggling to articulate it but its just a very specific Feeling#httyd modern au#deyas dragons
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wanna ask how you feel about the eridan bpd headcanon/theory(?? not sure what to call it!) you're so good at your character analysis and i'd love to see your outlook on it
Since I don't have a degree or any formal training in psychology, I feel deeply uncomfortable diagnosing characters. I've made an autism joke before but only because I'm on the spectrum. He's definitely traumatized and anxious, but I mean those as descriptors of his behavior rather than capital-D Diagnoses. I try to focus on those when I can - the cause and effect of cognition, self-image, and behavior - and those factors may very well match up with DSM criteria, but I try not to touch an actual diagnosis with a ten foot pole unless the author has explicitly stated that X character has Y condition.
#there's a variety of reasons for this#part of it is that im GROSSLY unqualified to be handing out diagnoses when it takes a full on PhD to do that in real life#part of it is that psychology is inchoate and we are still very much in murky waters#for example: complex ptsd isn't even IN the DSM yet#and iirc my therapist told me it was because theyre still figuring out how to classify it (attachment disorder? trauma disorder? etc.)#part of it is that (from my limited and undereducated understanding) there are diagnoses that you can assign by completing a checklist...#but some that require a hell of a lot more testing and ruling out other potential causes#and the cluster-b personalities are (IIRC) not even ones you're supposed to diagnose minors with#bc of fears of self fulfilling prophecy and because minors in general are still developing personalities In General#and like the fact that i can't say that with authority speaks to how unqualified i am to do any diagnosing right? hahaha#and part of it is just because like#unless the story is specifically About That and the author has stated so explicitly#i think diagnosing characters tends to put blinders on analysis#like if i were to seriously go 'eridan is autistic' then it would massively bias my reading and understanding of his character#and we have 0 indication that eridan was ever explicitly intended to be autistic or that the author was trying to do an autism specifically#that doesn't mean that the reading is invalid because like thats what death of the author means#all readings are technically valid including stuff the author didn't necessarily intend#but that's just not the way i like to engage with media and not the way i like to approach character analysis#because PERSONALLY it just feels kind of reductive - but also -#i'd wager MOST of us don't have degrees in psychology#so when i say 'X character has Y condition' it might mean something totally different to somebody reading my analysis#even people who have Y condition aren't exempt because a lot of mental illnesses differ from person to person#whereas if i explain “X character has Y thoughts and Z behaviors” there's no ambiguity in that#eridan struggles with noticing that people are suffering and with realizing that he should care#at least part of this is due to his horrific murder-filled upbringing which rendered empathy a detriment & so he learned to ignore it#it could be autism - but it could also be trauma -#or he might just be Like That without actually meeting the diagnostic criteria for autism#& you can't even technically be diagnosed with C-PTSD#or maybe he has a burgeoning personality disorder but you aren't supposed to DX those too early anyway#or maybe hes just 13. see what i mean hahaha. ive reached the 30 tag limit
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^_^
#sorry doomer posting#but like idk!#i keep talking abt how if i werent trans id be more inclined to accept my fate of living w my parents/family forever#but also with upcoming election and living in Texas maybe i just wont ever get to transition anyway and that will solve everything wont it#i want to leave so badly but i think id just be swapping my current misery for another set#like id be alone but at what cost. and id be alone. no friends no partner to live with no people in my empty home#work and sleep and struggling to eat. idk#im simply not meant to be alive honestly#talkys#delete later#in general i keep wanting things but not wnough bc ive been taught to not want things#i don't want to leave enough to put in the work to do it#i dont want to transition enough to get past the fear of change#i dont want anything. i dont want anything. i am a good dog
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watched the 2004 punisher movie yesterday with pixie and honestly i had fun 👍 some stuff was good some stuff was eh some completely irrelevant stuff made me mildly annoyed. but most of all it was funny and they had frank hang around with his tits out for multiple scenes so i mean how could i not have a great time tbh
#marvel#frank castle#the punisher#its also the movie that has the frame that i found like. on a wiki or something? and that pushed me down the punisher rabbithole#maybe im insane but i REALLY liked how frank looked in that movie. lost. confused. profoundly sad. bare chest glistening with sweat#whats not to like honestly. i also felt incredibly bad for thinking this the entire movie because im actually going. a little insane#like lately i just feel generally bad for liking frank in that way at all. as in both romantic and sexual. just. im sorry frank really#so the entire movie id hide my face in my hands every couple of minutes going 'oh god hes so hot im so sorry hes so hot im sorry'#what the fuck is this kid doing#anyway the thing i also liked on a more serious note was that the death of maria and his son was dragged out#because it like. like it kept going. and going. and with every second we both just felt this sense of like. dread and helplessness yk#like you KNOW theyre going to die anyway. and yet you watch them struggle and. its such a specific emotion#my least favorite horror story from a book i had invoked the same emotion in me but worse#and it was called sth like 'the torture of hope' so like. thats the best description i can give#also the thing that annoyed me for no reason was joan being blonde. why is she BLONDEEEEE#SHE JUST LOOKS LIKE MARIA LIGHT THIS IS SO. STUPID#also poor third neighbour but i assume in this movie he had the same role as in the comic (none) because its the 2004 one#i liked daves vibe. seemed like the type of guy my friend karol would have us smoke weed with on her birthday#and also he was just like me fr
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what's your process for coloring like? the look of that elendira is so textured and interesting, i can't figure out how you do it
AA THANK YOUU ^__^ !! textures & brushwork are my favorite things abt my art, so im happy you find it interesting hehe . its SOO cool to look at & so much fun to draw imo
i prefer to color by building in layers , if that makes sense 🤔!! hundreds of them !! such that i'm always drawing on Top of previous layers, working from big & messy blocks of color to, eventually, small and refined blocks of color until it feels processed enough. as a result, i rarely ever erase (!!) and i rarely ever draw lineart aside from the initial sketch
a rough, patchy textured brush is key here, as it'll give you dimension and variability w/ your colors. i recommend "Brush and various sets of fountain pen style (万年筆風ブラシと色々セット)" on Clip Studio (ID: 1679706) !! :3
im terrible with explanations though, so i'm going to show a step by step of that elendira drawing if you dont mind :3
sketch layer !! because i mostly render through color alone, i try to make this as close to the finished thing as possible . ^__^ i hateee drawing the same thing over and over and like the expressivity and movement of my sketches anyways , so the more i can preserve at this step, the better. if u were to look at a side by side of my sketches and finished pieces, youd notice a lot of those og lines are present in the final drawing :3
2. flats !! pretty self explanatory, but the solid background gives me an idea of where the figure begins & ends while the colors themselves help distinguish whats what . i stick to ambient lighting @ this point because im usually not sure what i want to do with the overall palette or lighting yet . having two tones (ex, dark and light in her hair or dark and light on her skin) can also help in identifying key features early on that u wanna preserve. as you build layer by layer, sometimes these areas will remain untouched and i think it makes for a rly lovely feel at the end
3. start blocking !!! to be totally honest with you, i dont really know what i do here HAHAHA. like i just scribble the shit out of it, usually focusing on what i might want to do with lighting (ex: grey areas to accentuate folds in her costume). i think i like to start "erasing" the sketch where possible by coloring on top of it .. like if you look at her hat or her arm , you can tell i'm starting to get a sense of the shapes i like vs the ones i dont. it's at this point that the final image starts to emerge in my mind , like im gradually pulling her from a tarpit of scribbles until shes recognizable lol. chipping away at the marble until i can free her. tbh.
4. keep blockingg...when u think u are done , block some more . as you can probably see, the brushwork becomes more intentional as i add more shape, with specific focus on line weight. this is also where the patchiness of that textured brush comes in - notice how none of the colors seem totally uniform (ex: the red cross or the original sketchlines for her waist). you can see bits and pieces of the layers underneath pushing through and i really like that !! ^__^ its very fun and sketchy to me, so i try to keep them around. those areas are also great to colorpick from, because it'll give you "new" colors to work w/ that are already part of your palette.
5. GRADIENTS & GRADIENT MAPS !! TONE CURVE !! COLOR PICKER !! this is the best stage tbh. flatten your image so its all on one layer and just go crazy with all the color settings in ur program. add gradient layers and set them to darken, or overlay, or subtract, orrr. lighten or dodge glow or divide or soft/hard light.! OR!! edit the hue, saturation, luminosity and contrast.and then color pick from these edits, block even more on top of ur image, flatten, color edit again, etc. etc. until u feel satisfied.
ANYWAYSS . i hope that makes sense @__@ sry i wrote this out and deleted it like 23 times trying to make it make More sense but thats what ive got HAHA i hope its useful though :3 !
#SRY I STRUGGLED 2 EXPLAIN THIS#dude its like my brain bcomes stuffed w/ cotton anytime i try 2 write#i hope it makes sense tho..#it also probably sounds so redundant to make new layer one after the other for just a few brushstrokes#but those brushes i linked have a multiply property so if you draw on top of prev lines they'll create dark patches#and so if im working over a large area ill generally need like . 5 layers each with one brushstroke :sob: if that makes sense#this one had . 84 i think. total. layers i mean. the merylvash one had 300+ HAHAH so it rly depends#like YEAAH i could just use a normal brush but i really like the way this looks#andd sometimes the multiply function works really well or will give me the proper shadow tone im looking for#anywas.wanywaysn anyways#asktag#anonymous#long post
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realizing im kind of a weirdo about laios and marcille
#possramble#ignore this im just babbling but#the thing is that like. i don't ship laios and marcille together. their relationship is so so important to me in that laios comphets himsel#and THINKS that he might be in love with her but he isn't and that's my insane obsession#platonic soulmates for real but they're so sweet together that i fully expect them to be shipped together#like i get it. that's almost the appeal for me. if dungeon meshi were any other series there'd be an epilogue where they get married#convention dictates that they're meant to be together as the male protagonist and his beloved female deuteragonist#but dungeon meshi DOESNT do that and i love it so fucking much they're the comphet besties ever for my strange little brain#like if i ever did an arranged marriage au it would absolutely be laios and marcille having a platonic political marriage and then just#the most insane mutual pining with marcille and falin while laios and marcille struggle their way into becoming best friends#the imagery of the king and his beautiful court mage being tender to each other and everyone thinking they're in love is like catnip to me#like yeah they'd be like that and have no idea people think they should be together and the subversion makes me so obsessed#the more people ship them romantically. the more i enjoy their platonic dynamic it's like some sort of weird comphet fetishism idk#people think they're in love and im outside the window like YES... YES!!!#but also the second i see stuff of them kissing on the mouth or fucking im like oh god no i went too deep in here i gotta get out#don't wanna see that. i'll go feral over the idea of laios and marcille being arm-in-arm like king and queen but they would not fuck.#i want marcille to be his default comphet beard and dance partner/plus one at official royal events but they're not kissing.#she's there on his arm because he's scared of the other noble women tryna get him and being a baby about it#and people see them muttering to each other and laughing and generally being very sweet and think that they're dating but they're not.#she's actually covered in hickies from falin underneath her dress and is gonna get dragon dicked right after the party is over#like she's in her bedroom and falin's helping her take her ridiculous dress off while listening to her complain about politics#and falin is the person she goes home to the person she falls asleep to and wakes up with#they're a triad of utter devotion to each other but only farcille's side of the triangle is romantic#it's almost like an open secret because they're not trying to hide it at all but people assume and are surprised to find out#like people are so right about her relationship with the toudens but with the siblings' roles switched#love of her life & irreplaceable life companion. does anyone get it#anyway. i don't know what's wrong with me#it bothers me that they're not the undisputed most popular het ship for marcille on ao3#it's unnatural. marcille being paired with any other man should be a fringe case.
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veep dad comfort art
#veep dad :]#i have Not been well mentally tbh the second im with friends i DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE anyways ill be VENTING A TINY BIT HERE#i need excitement in my life but im like#has no social life#oopsies...!#so i thought yknow what would make me happy rn. My Veep Dad#yea thats it#also ive been struggling with motivations to play ttcc and draw so....#apologies for being in the game less. especially as im in the post game with almost everything done#im usually kinda really goal oriented in games and yeah having no tasks or close friends to play with#im just kinda THERE and getting that initial push to do stuff is very hard#my motivation has just been at an all time zero (again) and it upsets me bc i do wanna do stuff...not bc ohh productivity but bc#i just wanna HAVE FUNNNN#anyways erm.... thanks for listening to my little rant here again. i dont know where else to express this sort of stuff. feels wrong to dum#it on strangers who i know are there for my art but. whatever. yknow#just wish i was more motivated in general but my life is Just Kinda Sad and im an Antisocial Anxious Wreck Dear Cog#senior vice president#sr vp#veep dad#personal tag if i dont wanna main tag....#doodles#traditional art#guz art#toontown
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me: keeps drawing random one-off fanarts from things that aren't currently big at all
also me: why no notes on my arte
#grateful for all of u lol#but why no notes !! lol !! i want attention i want engagement#i need to be LOVED and sharing my art is the vessel through which i ascribe my self worth...#it's like how if you have a long list of movies to watch ur still more likely to just.#watch some random movie you heard about 2 minutes ago that seems interesting. if u have spare movie time#bc it's lower pressure or smth#idk brother ! idk#im just chillin here in my cave drawing things apparently only i want to see and like maybe 5 other people#welcome to my cave#alligates says things#yo being an artist on the internet is genuinely awful. social media is not built for my delicate ass#even popular artists (i might technically be a popular artist) like i Know it sucks babe. i know#anyway 'no notes' generally in the past i could hit like. 500 ? with relative ease ? sometimes#yall i'm struggling to hit 100. why 7 reblogs and 35 likes. this is not the way#i'm a creator on the internet complaining about numbers ! not really gonna stop me tho#let's be honest whether or not i'm getting attention my ability to draw or not is contingent on. my own psychological ass. and little else#thank u for listening. it is my bedtime. goonite#if you read all these tags... idk. tell me the name of your favourite flower !
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i call it the struggle of being a gay/bisexual trans man
#who struggles with dysphoria and wanting to “pass”#its societies expectations of gender expression & that by these standards being a gay trans man should be inherently contradictory#of COURSE not all mlm are feminine. of course not!!#but thats the general stereotype and of course my stupid brain tries to validate my gender#by acting like a stereotype of my identity (minus the trans bc ofc i wann a pass as cis 🙄)#the 🙄 is directed at me.#anyway all this to say i had a GREAT (really awful) time buying a suit today#im in love with it now but boy howdy it was a journey#its way more feminine than what id usually wear and also not what i had in mind#and the employee helping us definitely did not pick up on the fact that i was a guy. which like bless her she was really sweet#but it did Not help#i wish i could wear these fem things and look like a pretty man but tbf i just look like a tomboy#but ill be fine#trans#transmasc#trans man
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I scrutinize each photo Each letter, each tape, each story Digging further and further back through history Hoping to pinpoint Where the weight on my shoulders originated
Who carried it first How many generations of suffering do I hold How many ghosts are tearing at my flesh How many generations of knowledge have I been denied How much has been lost How much will be lost As my fingers slowly erode paper As obsession wears through the tapes As each memory slowly becomes unrecognizable
The film strips undulate like intestines The dust and ink sticking to my hands like flecks of gore When you cut into my gut Is it blood that spills out Or history?
Salamatullah Eldritch (2022), Archival Violence, Mnemonic Gore [digital collage]
[Image attribution & sources for images used]
#Eldritch IT Speaks#Digital Collage#blood tw#I'm planning on making an story based on this#anyways this is all just. musings on generational trauma. partially brought from my family finding photos#from the late 1800s to mid 1900s#along with my own struggles w/ generational trauma and memory#i usually don't make collages and the last time I did was while I was in a psychiatric treatment center and it was made of just words#im usually not good with like. making something like this. i struggle to abandon symmetry and weird rules in my head#so im kinda proud that I managed to let go of that to make this#ALSO. lowkey I am inspired to do this collage n using gore bcuz of Yah Yah Scholfield#eldritch it writes
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sometimes people who struggle like to make jokes or find positives about their condition that causes them to struggle so they can escape the constant negative and struggle. sometimes autistic people will say things like "the 'tism" or use the "autism creature" or say their autism helped them have a *positive trait* to feel better about their struggles. because living your life only focusing on the struggles and negatives is depressing and makes it hard to want to live, even if those struggle take up 100% of your life and you can't actually escape them. sometimes any little seemingly positive thing can help a lot.
but there's so many other autistic people that hate when we do that and call it "reducing autism to a cute trendy thing" and say it takes away from *their* struggles and is bad and shouldn't be used. maybe *you* want to only focus on your struggles, but some people can't live in constant negative and need some positive or to find ways to make their condition more positive so they can feel better about living with their struggles. life is hard. I take anything I can get.
I cant get jobs. I can't make and keep friends. I can't get help and support for doing "normal" things so sometimes I go weeks without being able to shower and without eating more than a bowl of cereal a day. most times can't even do things I like. struggle to communicate. have meltdowns. i'll never be able to live independently. I struggle a lot. but instead of sitting here always depressed and having no motivation to live, i'd rather try to joke about "my 'tism is acting up again" when i'm struggling (just an example. don't think I ever actually used the 'tism thing but i saw others use it) or say "i'm just being a creature" when I need to stay in my dark room because everything is too much and I personally find it cute to be a little creature meant in a positive way. i'm not actually downplaying mine or anyone else's struggles. I still acknowledge them and that silly jokes dont make them go away. i'm not trying to be trendy. i'm not doing any of the things people say we do by making silly little jokes. i'm using the silly little jokes to convince myself life can be a little more than pointless, painful garbage all the time.
(continue in tags)
#dont know why continuing in tags but here is more#sometimes we need to ask “why” and not just get mad about how we feel personally. because other people feel differently#yes im guilty of only thinking my feelings and situation and how it relates too and forgetting other peoples. i also need to learn#and everyone's feelings should be valid. just because something might “hurt” you it might be important for someone else#everyones feelings are valid. but we cant protect everyones feeling. so idk the solution#but stopping someone from having a small positive among a sea of nevgative seems a little mean to me#youre not being empathetic to their side. and i can turn it around and be not empathetic to your side and say stop being upset#and get over it and let people have fun. but i wont. i hear you. but at the same time maybe hear us too.#not everyone wants to live only negatively. youre allowed to but dont expect others to.#and yes i GET IT these things can make the allistics and neurotypicals be even worse towards us. but what do we do?#throw out any positivity we can find and grovel in our struggles because the allistics wont take us seriously?#DO THEY TAKE US SERIOUSLY WITHOUT THOSE SILLY TRENDY THINGS? NO! THEY NEVER HAVE#like i said i dont know the solution and everything still be used against us by those people anyway so might as well have fun?#if we focus on struggles they baby us and dont let us do things and block us from living life#if we focus on positive they dismiss our struggles and try to make us do what we cant and dont help us#we cant win! so its not “the 'tism” or whatever other things people made up that cause them to act this way#they already act that way and wont stop unless we figure out how to teach them! but i dont know how! im just a useless little creature#this is probably controversial and someone will get because i dont agree with their perspective despite respecting it#someome will comment to lecture me even though i get it. i do. but two things can exist at the same time!! idk what to tell you!#autistic#autism#actually autistic#lee rambles#words are hard so dont know if i worded it well or not. probably not#also why take away fun things because another group used it for bad? make them stop the bad not stop the good!#i also might be missing more context. i think is about tiktok using these for bad. tiktok is just bad in general and i refuse to use it#why tiktok dictate and ruin our lives now in general? tiktok is really bad 😂 but that another conversation#no one yell at me and say i dismiss struggles of struggling autistics. maybe you dismiss me needing negative thing to have positive?#not in mood for negative response. will probably cry fhhddhsjdjdjkd#today is real struggle day but if i be little creature i feel better
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Death Blossom
#world of warcraft#anduin wrynn#arthas menethil#honestly mostly this piece was just idunno like an idea without much thought behind it#it had a cute sketch so i continued adding to it#i think i was mostly still thinking about anduins mental state in shadowlands and how arthas had a part in that#blizz is very vague about how arthas is used to corrupt him so i mostly just do whatever i want with fanart#i mean i do that anyway but#Anduin is depicted as a child wearing the maw armor and chains holding a flower to arthas#and like i think a part of hte idea was anduin depicted as younger to more represent his innocence#but also that younger anduin carries more bravery and here he's unafraid to face arthas#he hands a flower not as a friendly jesture but more of a 'im better then you' but i struggle to explain that#Anduin trying to convince himself#even in hell#even in chains just like you#im still better#depicts how arthas's curse is still hurting the younger generations of azeroth even after his death (chains)#chose the death flower cuz its like ya know the shadowlands flower found in all zones#but that there is still beauty in death#aiofhafiaohad this piece is just alot of different vague ideas that come together to make no damn sense#Honestly nonsensical art is fun would love more nonsensical fanart#just fanart where its like...you vaugely get what they were going for but otherwise doesnt really make much sense#its fun to draw first and make shit up later#I learned how to 'think critically' about the imagery of art in art school and now i can just spew bullshit about my fanart its great#you should try it#I mean its not like im realllly making things up#is just that the art came first and then i used what i drew to put together my thoughts and thats completely valid for artist to do#somethings you better understand your feelings and ideas after you've let yourself create#thats why art is so cool
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I greatly respect every single person who can have multiple well-written, multifaceted, lore-heavy OCs because that shit is hard fr. If I try thinking seriously for more than 2 minutes I get sad and a headache. y'all are some real ones
#lighthearted post im not venting here BSKANSJSJ#this is because. im trying to make more wizard ocs. i came up with their names JKFAKAKAJAJ#i look at other peoples ocs bios and im like “WOW!!!! i wish i could think like that :D”#IDK WHY THIS IS SO HARD is this like a universal struggle or am i alone in this#other than general appearances and a few facts thats all my ocs have to them JAKSBDLEKE theyre empty husks#do other people struggle making ocs and plots or is that just me being dumdum /j /lh#ANYWAY. this post isnt important but ne prepared for new characters from me. they will surely be Things#I GOTTA PRACTICE DRAWING AGAIN TOO SO I CAN DRAW THEM. OR GET MONEY SO I CAN COMMISSION#wizard101#w101#wiz101#text posts
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me when i write a character who is prone to dooming themself and then they run off and doom themself. core traits are stubbornness and a willingness to disregard their own humanity gET BACK HERE IM NOT DONE WITH YOU
#rambling#surprisingly this is not about jakob.. im just really consistent about my favorite character archetypes 😭😭#WARNING THE NOTES ON THIS ARE REALLY LONG I STARTED RAMBLING#“ouhh i have a headache i'll just lie down and rotate my blorbos in no general direction for a while until it goes away” and then boom.#serious plot considerations. 2 questions answered 24million new questions raised. this is specifically Not what i asked for.#so now im sitting here STILL dizzy running mental calculations on how i can get this bitch out of peril without reworking everything#but they literally keep dying in every timeline 😭😭 every single plausible road leads to them running off and screwing themself over#“character who doesn't realize they want to live until it's way too late to look back” VS#“character who is forced to live and handle the things they never though they'd survive long enough to deal with” FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.#fucking hell i have never had this much trouble writing a character as i have with them#they genuinely do just run off and do shit without my permission and then i have to pace for an hour or two wondering#“ok they wOULD do that. but should they. do i feel like i can confidently write that.”#im like constantly in this tug of war trying to get them to CHILL#but also they are absolutely my favorite character from the entire project. but like. FUCK GET BACK HERE#is death the most satisfying end to this arc? is someone who was Set on dying then NOT dying the most satisfying end to the arc?#how many bridges can you burn until you irreparably set yourself aflame too?#would ghost or revival plotline work?? would it make sense with the worldbuilding??#do i just Like Them enough to want them to not die?? where do i draw the line between personal bias and a good arc?#is death not feeling as impactful as survival solely because i've been writing for so long that it's lost the initial impact?#and other such plot considerations...#im gonna have such an easy time writing another character though 😭😭 because THAT character's dynamic in the second act#is to stare at character 1 and be like “why are you like this. i mean i know Why but can you chill. please.” and like damn bro me too#actually wait no i think kaey.a is the hardest character i've ever written i take it back#had to worry about his 20million facades AND his Actual feelings AND canon compliance. shit is hard#i still havent finished the k/aeya fic i started back when the chasm first released which is uhh. two years ago. oops.#i think i struggle writing emotionally repressed liars i think thats what this is 😭😭 anyways.#(voice of guy who has been obsessed with nonlinear narratives and tragedies for several years):#“is it too much to kill this character in a nonlinear exploration game with tragic elements”#like bitch what are you talking about 😭😭 YOU'RE the target audience here figure it out#sorry the notes on this are just my writing journal now apparently
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I’ve been thinking a lot about how Spider felt when he hit puberty and started growing facial hair, making him even more different to the Na’vi. I wonder if he hated it.
Also the inherent tenderness of a boy trusting someone else enough to help him shave for the first time… something about it makes my chest hurt. I really tried to capture it in Foreign Body but there’s so much more that I wish I’d left space for.
#is this me admitting that i might go back and add even more content to my already published and completed fic? perhaps.#spider socorro#jake sully#avatar 2#idk why im posting this im just feeling so soft for spider growing up and battling with his… foreign body (ba-dum tss. i am boo’d off stage#but fr the way he tries and tries and tries to assimilate and his inescapable humanness is a constant reminder of his incongruity with#pandora… like he cant be truly na’vi and growing up he is presented more and more evidence that he will never be#im still turning the Spider as an allegory for second generation immigrants thing in my head… the draft post is getting a bit too long tbh#but i just cant shake the feeling that he struggles with this foreignness a lot- ESPECIALLY knowing his parentage (father)#anyway here are a couple of drawins from the pages and pages of spiders i have in my sketchbook#for me and and maybe 1 other person who thinks about this stuff 🙃 come get yall juice (cricket sounds)#theyre not very good but im really enjoying being nobody out here#so i can post my bad drawings and run away 😌#i'm trying to learn to draw please be kind <3#kid’s post
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