#anyway i'm going to go throw up now because how anxious i am

[vir-tanadahl]

With all these ai accusations being thrown about, I’m really debating on writing my fanfic in google docs (which I really don’t wanna use Google docs) just in case I am accused???

Like I have always used Word for all of my writing, but word doesn’t track changes like how Google docs does. And I have all of my notes from my fanfics (my hand written notes, my iPhone notes for when I get ideas when I’m working, already in bed, or high af) and my rough outlines. But like idk if that would be enough for some people?

Like if all it takes to have an AI detector flag something for AI is to be grammatically correct, I guess I will just be...less grammatically correct?

I even looked into the research studies done on the accuracy of AI detectors, and they aren't reliable. I ran some of my fics through one AI and it said 0% AI probability and then I ran it through another one and it said like 50% AI probability. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I even ran one of my older fics that was originally posted in 2017 (before genAI even existed) into one AI detector and it said it was 100% AI????? like how is that even possible? I wrote it back in 2017!

[deoidesign]

.

[dickvinci]

i used to be really good at like. gritting my teeth and doing shit i didn't want to do because i had to and it's just. getting harder and harder and harder.

[aurumacadicus]

The thing about Tony is that kindness toward him is a foreign concept. And I'm fluent in those.

--

"And what is the most surprising thing you've learned about dating Tony Stark?" Christine asks, and Tony can see the way she's seething behind her smile because Steve has expertly twisted out of every trap she's laid.

He hopes she doesn't think that he had the time to teach Steve any of this--Steve was doing interviews and selling war bonds before even he was a glint in Howard's eye, never mind Christine in her father's, and Steve has complained at length about how the media hasn't changed at all in the privacy of the tower. Between his "aw shucks" persona and his steel resolve, she hasn't been able to poke at any vulnerabilities he might have. Tony is actually sort of impressed. If he didn't know Steve squeaked when his feet were tickled, he'd think the man was made of stone.

"Oh," Steve says, shrugging, and leans back on the couch so he can throw his arm over Tony's shoulders. "Just that he hates surprises."

Tony blinks. Christine raises an eyebrow and opens her mouth, but Tony ignores her, turning to look up at Steve in confusion. "I love surprises though?"

"No, you don't," Steve answers flatly, slanting his gaze toward him. "They make you anxious. I was planning a night out on the town for our anniversary, and you noticed a change in how everyone was acting because they were helping to keep it a secret, and you panicked and thought we were all Skrulls."

Tony blinks again, brows furrowing together in confusion. "But I love when you bring me coffee and donuts when I'm not expecting them. Or! Sometimes you bring me souvenirs when you go on away missions without me!"

Steve sighs, that kind of 'I'd rather not do this here but you'll catastrophize if I don't set you straight now' sound he's developed specifically for Tony, and dutifully answers, "Tony, that's just me being a thoughtful and caring boyfriend who is showing that I think about you even when we're not near each other. I would be a bad boyfriend if I didn't do that. You do that kind of stuff for me all the time. It shouldn't be a surprise."

Tony stares at him for a long moment, then remembers exactly where they are--on a couch being interrogated interviewed by Christine Everhart. He darts his gaze back to her, feeling terrified for reasons he can't explain.

She's staring at him as if she's never seen him before. It terrifies him. He wishes Steve would have let him catastrophize just this once.

"Anyway," Steve says after a moment, slapping his hands against his knees and standing up. "The DOD will get back to you about what parts of the interview you're allowed to air."

Christine jerks her gaze to him, aghast. "What?!"

"I'm an icon of the United States military. They get final say about what airs with me in it," Steve answers, turning to help Tony to his feet. "It's in that contract you had to sign to be able to interview me. Well, bye."

"Bye," Tony adds belatedly as Steve casually directs him toward the door. He looks up at Steve once they're out of earshot, frowning. "But I am surprised when you do those things for me. I was surprised when Pepper did them, too."

"That's because we're the only truly good partners you've had, sweetheart," Steve sighs, shaking his head, and then, "I'll let you think on that for a few minutes on the drive home."

"I feel patronized," Tony declares, but then Steve gives him a pitying look, and he has to wonder if Steve might be right.

[beanghostprincess]

I hc Sanji as being afraid of the dark bc of his trauma too.

I know Mosshead wouldn't tease him about it if he knew the reason behind it, but do you think he ever teased him about it BEFORE finding out why he's scared?

Yeah, obviously. I think Sanji would not talk about it explicitly but he'd try to make up excuses for them to just keep a light on or for him to sleep in the kitchen instead of the boys' quarters. And it's quite obvious that he doesn't like the dark much (that's how he says it but actually he's extremely scared of it and often has nightmares/panic attacks when it's too dark and quiet) so Zoro makes fun of it. I mean- To Zoro it's such a ridiculous fear to have and I'm pretty sure he'd make fun of that. Sanji would fight back but he wouldn't show (at least the first times they fight for this) that he's actually hurt by that. I think one day, for random reasons, Sanji has to deal with being locked in a dark place, and he has the worst time of his life. Maybe it's a bet or some shit like that and because Sanji is too proud he doesn't say no to Zoro, and he's scared but he doesn't want mosshead to know he's afraid. Yadda yadda. Things go terribly wrong and after they've taken care of a very shaken up and anxious Sanji, Zoro says he's a fucking moron and that he should've said this earlier, but of course, Sanji is like "yeah, and have you laughing at me again? No, thank you, I already have enough with this, marimo". Zoro would genuinely feel bad but he knows that no matter how many times he apologizes, Sanji is just going to blame himself. So Zoro throws some poetic bullshit like "fear isn't something to be ashamed of. And you have to fight against it every day, don't be so stupid and stop blaming yourself for shit like this" (poetic more or less, kind of). And they'd just understand each other then.

Also, to make it romantic because I am like this always: Sanji doesn't like sleeping in the kitchen either because it's uncomfortable and lonely and Zoro knows, so he just kind of forces Sanji to stop being so proud and sleep with him if that will make him feel safer. And Sanji is like "??????? no, no. What the fuck are you saying now, mosshead??? The only people I'm sleeping with are pretty girls-" / "You fucking wish. Why does it have to mean anything, anyway? You're so dramatic" and Zoro ends up holding Sanji like a big pillow so he doesn't escape and turns out that's, like, the best sleep he's ever had. It's either that or Zoro sleeps in the kitchen too with him without giving any sort of explanation and Sanji (<- idiot with a crush he won't accept) is literally dying.

[smolwritingchick]

The Bangtan Gal Chapter 94- MAMA Awards 2016 Part 1

Summary: BTS win their first Daesang! Tensions run high when Jen's friendship with Hyuna ends abruptly due to sneak dissing and a scrapped performance. BTS attends the Mama Awards making iconic moments that leave the world shooked.

Words: 13,000+

Genre: Big Jungkook Fluff. A little chaos never hurt anybody :)

Click here for PART 2 of this chapter

Author's note: OK the 3rd Muster chapter isn't done yet, I'll post that next since this was done. The 3rd Muster chapter is basically a filler chapter anyway. So once I come back from taking a smol break I will start writing that and then the following story chapter. This was done and I didn't want to keep it waiting. Kind of been anxious to release it. 

As I addressed during the Bon Voyage season 1 chapter, this should be the last time I write about Hyuna. This idea came up recently and I rolled with it. My ideas changed a bit but I wanted this to just be chaotic af. I wanted to think outside the box and I like what I came up with. Again this smol girl ain't that much of a lyric writer but A for effort. Decided to combine the chapters and make it into the Mama Awards chapter.

I would like Jennie to always have a cool stage for the MAMA Awards. And have fun moments. It's only 2016 in the story and Jennie still has a lot of growing to do but I think this moment I have planned for this chapter is an interesting start to how she speaks up for herself. We got 2017, 18, 19, and the rest of the years for even more character development, wins and failures along the way for her.

Hope you enjoy it! I'd say Beyonce's 7/11 is the inspiration for her stage at MAMA. I love the song so much and the instrumental. Especially the Coachella version. Always a banger. I also loveeee Beyonce's laugh at the end of the Coachella version. So I had to add it for Jennie. It might just be her signature. 

Whenever there are scenes with BlackPink and BTS' Jennie (My character), I'm going to keep BlackPink's Jennie as Jennie during the dialogue while BTS' Jennie will just be called Jen. Hope that won't be too confusing.

Throwback to this funny video when they won at MMA 2016. I remember this video like it was yesterday. Timeless. As I continue to write, I get a little emotional. It was so fun seeing all this in real time.

Again this chapter is split into two parts because I couldn't fit all of it in one post. So this is part one.

Have an awesome day! Super excited for Jin to return from enlistment! Not much longer now!

------------

'BREAKING! MAMA 2016 Collaboration with Cube's Hyuna and Big Hit's Jennie scrapped!'

Jennie frowned at the article as she sat by her desk in the Smartie Factory. It was crazy how things abruptly changed. Lately, Jennie and Hyuna weren't on speaking terms and issues have been occurring for a while.

It all started with the sneak dissing that Jennie had found out on her Tumblr. She loved scrolling through the tag of her name and came across a fairly popular post regarding Hyuna attending a few variety shows and interviews.

"Unlike the others, I don't need to repeatedly say I'm the best from head to toe. You already see it," made ARMY think about Jennie's War of Hormone lyrics.

"Some rookies can be a bit much. Some like to try to overshine a veteran,"

"Some girls in this industry are a bit too fragile. I don't need to call myself bulletproof,"

"You mean the original version of How's This,"

These were just a handful of statements said by Hyuna and ARMY immediately speculated she was throwing shade at Jennie.

'Uhhhh did Hyuna just sneak diss, Jennie? Am I freaking out over nothing? That bulletproof and glass line was SUS,' one comment said.

ARMY went on to do more research and they immediately figured out that there was some sort of animosity in Hyuna's words and it caused confusion in the fandom.

"The hell...?" Miss Bangtan murmured as she read about it and even saw her and Hyuna trending on Twitter.

Her stomach dropped and she felt hurt by the words. It confused her as to why she would say these things. Deciding to go straight to the source, she messaged Hyuna on KakaoTalk.

Jen: Ummmm what's going on sis? We got a problem or something? If so let's address it now. Call me when you're free

But hours later, still no reply. What officially solidified the fact that there was an issue was when Jennie facetimed Hayoon about it.

"I'm trying to contact her so we can settle this shit now instead of over the internet. But I haven't gotten a response. I don't know how this happened. I didn't even do anything. I know we haven't talked in a while, but damn,"

And that was when Hayoon informed her what was going on from what she heard. She and other people have been overhearing her talking about how upset she was that she would be sharing the stage with Jennie for How's This. She wanted to perform it alone and on top of that felt bothered by the fact that the duet music video with Jennie started to get way more views than the original video.

"I mean it got more views because ARMY loves to support every member of Bangtan. They were bound to have the views boost," Jennie exclaimed on Facetime while Hayoon nodded. "That's one of the amazing things about them. They watched that video for me and I'm grateful but damn, is it that deep? So, she doesn't want to share the stage with me and is feeling some type of the way that her original music video didn't have that many views? Ma'am, if that was a problem, instead of throwing shots, why not talk to me face to face and express yourself? All this childishness for what?"

"I know. It's ridiculous," Hayoon said with a frown. "I had to distance myself from her. I didn't like the things she was saying. And I even talked to her about it but she blew me off and said she didn't care,"

Jennie sighed and shook her head. "Annoying...thanks for telling me...wow...the switch up is crazy...I just don't understand,"

"Of course. Still no reply?"

Jennie went to check back on the app and scoffed. "Did this bitch block me?!"

"What?! No way!"

"Wowwww. So, it's like that? Okay. I can't even contact her anymore...this is making me start to have trust issues a little bit. Like we were so close. We would hang out and talk often...I trusted her with a lot of shit, too. I hope she doesn't spill anything personal. Because now I'm thinking about my relationship,"

"As much as I dislike her attitude, I don't think she'll spill anything especially when she is dating E'Dawn privately,"

"Yeah...I'm not going to air her dirty laundry and talk about how she got a rookie boyfriend and shit. That's unfair to E'dawn and his future career as an idol,"

"Agreed. No need to get him involved. I believe she won't involve Jungkook as well, so no need to worry,"

Jennie sighed. "When I see her at one of these award shows I'll confront her. This is ridiculous,"

"Some kind of girl's girl she is. So close to award season, too? She should not be trying to paint you as this bad person,"

"Yeah...I just don't know how long it's going to take for the public to understand how grimy she is,"

As the news of her performance with Hyuna wasn't happening anymore, Cube Entertainment and even Mnet made the excuse that they felt like Jennie was not ready to perform with Hyuna and was a bit difficult to work with. Which was a load of bull and lots of fans saw through the BS. However, Big Hit responded in defense of her saying that she was ready, was very easy to work with and it was their loss on the collaboration.

It warmed her heart to see the company come to her defense and say she would prove doubters wrong on BTS' stage at the MAMA Awards. Hearing the news that the collaboration was scrapped made her feel down since she had been so excited to perform with someone she looked up to for many years. G-Dragon's words still rang through her mind that not everyone is your friend in the industry and the switch ups are crazy.

Now back to reality, Jennie continued to sit by her desk, deep in thought about the situation. All she wanted to do was speak to her like an adult and squash whatever issue she had with her. But with her being blocked, it was clear she wanted nothing to do with Jennie.

It had been days since the first set of disses along with lyric changes to throw shots at her and the lack of response from Jennie had everyone talking.

People commented:

'Unbothered. I like that,'

'Hyuna cooked you!'

'Everything she said about Jennie was true,'

'Rookie! Hyuna is better than you!'

'So, are you going to respond to HyunA?'

'Damn, still no response?'

'Jennie is known for her impressive stage presence at MAMA. They could have been a powerful duo if egos didn't get in the way. Something ain't right,'

'LOL Hyuna won by default. She is taking forever to respond. Is she scared?'

'Get in the booth, Jennie. Or are you taking the L?'

'So, you just gonna let her talk shit about you like that?'

'Jennie doesn't have to respond to anything.'

'I hate how you guys are instigating this drama.'

'No response is a response, Jennie!'

'Does Miss Bangtan need her bulletproof boy scouts to help her with this one?'

'I bet Jennie is the problem. Because she and Hyuna were great friends. She must have done something wrong...'

'Time to stop hiding behind your boys, woman up and respond to your senior.'

'Respect queen Hyuna!'

'You should be lucky she even asked you to collaborate.'

'ARMY gets on my nerves. They like to spam and stream everything for bragging rights. That music video didn't deserve to get higher views than the OG!'

'Yikes...going after one of the chillest people in the K-Pop industry is not wise because if Jennie responds I bet not hear shit that she was disrespectful when Hyuna started this first. And don't try to say respect your seniors.'

'Y'all are a little too comfortable being rude to Jennie on her page...'

'Hyuna started it and Jen will finish it. Watch!'

'Hyuna is being a bit too bold running her mouth.'

'Of all people when you have Bangtan backing her? And other idols who are close friends with her? I don't understand the logic.'

'Hyuna is untouchable in the industry, no idols will come to her aid,'

'I doubt any idol will defend Jennie from Hyuna. She should handle this herself.'

'Bangtan shouldn't always have to fight her battles. She should handle this by herself,'

'Jennie handles business. She'll respond,'

Still, on social media, she saw herself getting tagged in a lot of Hyuna stuff. Come to find out she was still sneak dissing and her stans were eating it up and defending her. However, ARMY was not too happy about the abrupt attitude change and shade thrown at Miss Bangtan.

"Do you want me to say something?" Yoongi asked, who sat next to her, ready to defend her honor.

"Yoongi...no," she firmly said as she turned to him.

"The situation is so grimy. Like damn, the bitch can't share the stage with you on her song that she wanted you to be on in the first place? Why bother asking to collab?" Angelina spoke up, sitting on the couch with Namjoon. "Did she think it wasn't going to go well? She underestimated the power of ARMY's support and your talent as an artist. Those comments on that YouTube video were mainly about you, Jennie. You outshined her in the music video and she was mad about it and has been holding it in for a while. The bitch is jealous,"

"I'm just confused and thrown off by everything. Like I thought we were friends—"

"Well, she's not your friend," Angelina firmly cut Jennie off, getting upset about Hyuna. "A friend doesn't sneak diss. Fuck her,"

"Are you going to let her just bash your name like this in public?" Namjoon asked.

"She is South Korea's IT girl. Everyone loves her. And if I respond...I have a feeling I'll be public enemy number one. You know how the media is gonna twist this and make me the bad guy," Jennie reminded.

"Jen, I love your calmness. You know I'll be ready to fight somebody if someone did that to me. Diss tracks would already be on standby to release," Angelina added. "I wish I had your calmness, right now, as we speak. But stop being nice,"

"I'm not trying to be! I'm not! I'm not being nice, I'm trying to wrap my head around being blindsided! I'm getting annoyed, now..." she sighed out of frustration.

"Good. Write about it,"

"Listen, I shouldn't cause Bangtan any drama. Award season is coming up...I can't be taking the attention off of us at the award shows. I don't even want to be involved in this drama...why can't I just have some genuine celebrity friends, that won't get mad over petty shit, like this? I'm getting PTSD from Hailey and that took a while to heal from,"

"Munchkin, you're not causing drama for us," Hobi spoke up with his arms crossed as he leaned against the wall, next to the couch. "I know you're thinking of the negatives but the positives outweigh it. You should respond,"

"And you know that people love you, too. She is not the only beloved K-Pop idol, in the world," Yoongi affirmed. "You've been making a positive name for yourself with us as BTS. ARMY and us will not stand for the slander. I want you to write about it all,"

"Turn this negative into a positive," Namjoon reminded.

"Diss track incoming?" Angelina smiled.

Jennie let the rappers' words sink in as she glanced at all of them. They had a point. She couldn't just let her bash her name like this out of nowhere. On top of that, she didn't want to hear anything about being respectful to her seniors when she was getting disrespected unprovoked. It bothered her when people think they can talk to younger people in any type of way. Respect should be a mutual thing.

"For now, don't bother engaging in the drama on social media. Don't respond to any of it online. Continue to go about your day like normal," Namjoon suggested.

"Yeah...okay. You're right. All of you," Jen replied. "I can't let her just get away with talking shit and not saying it directly to my face. Especially when she didn't even want to respond to my messages and blocked me. She needs to get checked,"

"Good. I'm looking forward to this," Hobi smiled.

"You and I both," Yoongi revealed his gummy smile.

Jennie chuckled and turned to Namjoon. "This reminds me a little bit of the Bobby situation and your diss at MAMA 2014. But yours was more of entertainment. Unlike this,"

The leader chuckled at that and nodded. "Yeah. Well, what are you going to do, now?"

"Handle it," she firmly responded and grabbed her notebook.

"Best news I've heard all day. Get writing," Angelina broke out into a big smile, as the others agreed.

"Mama Awards 2016. Speak your truth, there. Let's talk to the staff later about everything," Namjoon recommended.

"Okay," Jennie nodded, liking that idea. "I'll show you what I have when I'm done. Can I be alone, please? To work?"

The boys respected her decision and left her to work while Angelina stayed behind with Namjoon waiting for her outside the studio.

"Word of advice? Try the 8 Mile method. The stealing thunder strategy. You remember the movie and the final rap battle with Eminem?" Angelina asked as she got off the couch.

"Yeah. I've watched it a few times. That's not a bad idea. I'll work on it,"

"Good. Happy writing. Just make sure you eat, okay? Don't be stuck here, all day. I'll be with the others,"

"Don't worry, I'll take breaks. See you,"

After Angelina left, Jennie got started with writing. She also began going through her vault of music files she created over the years to pick which one to perform her rap with.

Rapping…kind of scary to think that this is what it would come to. Yoongi had been an amazing mentor. If Hobi could learn how to rap when he had no background in it, she could too. The amount of faith the rap line had in her to encourage her to respond to Hyuna in this way was a big deal. It was a deal that she could not mess up.

As she proceeded to work, her dog Tony slept quietly on the dog bed in the corner, tired out from playing around with the members a few hours earlier. Jennie occasionally glanced at the adorable dog with a smile while she worked. Miss Bangtan worked for hours, doing research, writing, and analyzing Hyuna's recent interviews regarding her. So engrossed in her work, she jumped slightly when she heard a series of knocks at her door.

"Who?" she asked out loud.

"Your Golden Boyfriend. Jeon Cena!"

"Enter my realm, my love," she smiled and turned her seat around to see him walking in with a few bags of food. "Hey!"

"Hi. I figured you were hungry so I bought food for us," he set the bags on the desk and grabbed a seat to sit next to her.

"It smells so good, thanks," she kissed him sweetly.

Getting a good look at her, he noticed she was wearing one of his hoodies which made him smile. The way it was oversized on her made her look even more cute.

"Any time. And your package of Smarties came. I grabbed a few bags so I can fill up your bowl,"

"You are the best!" she squealed happily and kissed him again before planting multiple kisses all over his cheek, making him giggle.

After he filled up the bowl, he gently grabbed her hand to stop her from reaching out to grab a few pieces.

"Ah-ah! What are you doing?" he called out.

"Helping myself to my smarties?"

"Nah. Food first. Let's eat,"

"What? Oh, come on. Babe, don't do that,"

"Food first. Smarties after," he released her hand.

"They're small, they're not going to spoil my stomach,"

"Food, honey," he grinned, opening the platter of chicken for them to eat. "Take a break,"

"Fine. I should take a break, anyway," she stretched and closed her notebook, placing it to the side. "Game of Thrones?"

"Yeah, we stopped at Season 5, right?"

"Hm hm. The first episode," she set everything up on one of her monitors.

"Hyung told us what you're working on. I'm glad you're going to go through with it. It's not fair,"

She smiled softly and nodded. "Yeah…I just wished she talked to me,"

"She'll realize the mistake she made when you respond. I'm looking forward to seeing what you say. You always have a way of showing off your craft during the MAMA Awards. ARMY will be in for a treat,"

"Thanks. I hope to do it justice. I've been thinking about a lot…especially with the new year coming up. I think my New Year's Resolution for 2017 is to…be more cautious of who I trust and who I open up to. To see my childhood friends again when we go on tour and write songs in a more positive light. I think that'll be a pretty good start,"

He leaned over to kiss the side of her head. "I like that. That is a good start,"

---------

The day of the Melon Music Awards was finally here and backstage was lively as everyone went through rehearsals. Jen was excited to see familiar faces again as she strolled backstage. She let out a deep breath when she finally saw Hyuna who had finished talking with a staff member. Jen had been seeing her all day but whenever she'd get close, Hyuna would rush off.

Not anymore.

As Jen approached her, she knew people were watching her every move, wondering what might happen. Keeping her head up high, she finally came face to face with her.

"You got something to say to me?" Jen questioned as she looked at her with a frown.

Hyuna looked a little surprised and took a step back.

"Nothing at all," she replied with a fake smile.

"Are we going to talk like adults or are you gonna run, again? Where's that energy when you were taking shots at me on that variety show?" she asked and tilted her head to the side when she didn't reply. "If you don't want to be friends anymore, that's cool. I don't care. But I don't appreciate you going out of your way to talk shit about me and lying on my name. Blocking me so we can't speak on the phone? That is mad corny,"

"Jennie, you're causing a scene," she brought up as noticeably more people were being nosy and watching the confrontation.

"I do not care, stop trying to change the subject. What is with you throwing shade like ARMY and I wouldn't notice? Even talking about how difficult I am to work with? The fuck? Do we have a problem?"

"Do we?"

It took all the strength Jen had to not pop her in the head right then and there with the way she sarcastically responded. Hyuna was playing games and it was getting harder for Jen not to put her hands on her. MAMA Awards couldn't come fast enough.

"Keep my name out of your mouth. I'm not telling you again. Are we clear?" Jen demanded with a glare.

"Crystal."

After walking away and calming down, Jen informed the members about the nonsense. It annoyed them with the way Hyuna responded and highly anticipated Jen's performance at the MAMA Awards to set her straight. It was going to be worth the wait.

As the show was about to start, Jen went to the women's bathroom and as she came out to wash her hands, she saw BlackPink primping in the mirror and talking amongst themselves about how excited they were for the show.

Jennie gasped in happiness and turned around with a bright smile. "Hi! Oh my gosh, we've been looking for you!"

The sudden burst of excitement surprised Jen as she stood by the four girls who were happily smiling after she dried her hands. Once it officially registered that she was in front of BlackPink, Jen grinned widely.

"Hey! You're BlackPink! Wow! Hi! Oh my gosh, wow, y'all look so beautiful!"

"So do you!" Jisoo beamed as they all bowed.

"Hi, I'm Jennie. Jennie Walker," Jen introduced herself.

"Nice name. Hi, I'm Jennie. Jennie Kim," Jennie giggled with her and held her hands.

"Thank you. Nice name!"

"Thanks! It's nice to catch you before the show. It's really nice to meet you,"

"It's nice to meet you, girls, too!"

"Hi~! I'm Rosé!"

"I'm Lisa!"

"And I'm Jisoo!"

After releasing Jennie's hands, Jen spoke, "You girls are amazing! It's great watching you ladies thrive. I love your songs and I can't wait to see you perform, tonight,"

"Thank you! We've seen your dance videos of our songs. You perform it so well. Maybe you should be the fifth member," Jisoo giggled.

"I'd love to but Bangtan would be upset," she teased, as the girls laughed.

They were all so sweet. Their friendly energy matched so well with Jen's as they all vibed and immersed themselves in bathroom girl talk. As Jen had her eyes on Jisoo, she pointed out that her beauty was on a whole new level. Photos and videos didn't do her justice.

"Can we hug? Are you ladies ok with that? I'm like such a hugger these days but I like to ask before touching," Jen asked kindly.

"Of course!" Lisa beamed and went right in to embrace her with the rest of the girls.

"Are you ladies excited for tonight?" Jen asked.

"Nervous! But very excited. It should be a fun show. The dress rehearsal went well," Rosé replied.

"You ladies are gonna kill it. Have fun with it! Go out there and show them that BlackPink ain't playing around,"

Jen's encouragement seemed to have pumped them up as they smiled brightly and thanked her.

"You're close with Bam Bam, right? He's one of my good friends," Lisa spoke up.

"Yeah! I love him! He's the best and one of the funniest guys ever. He's a piece of work, huh?" Jen chuckled.

"He is! I hope we can all hang out sometime,"

"Yeah, I'd love that. We have a 97 Liner group chat we can add you and Rosé in! We're trying to see when we can have another get together. Even if it's just a handful of us. I have the WINGS tour coming up so it'll probably be a long while until Jungkook and I can participate in any hangouts. But we'll be there in spirit if the group plans something in our absence,"

"Being in the group chat sounds like fun. It'll be nice to get to know the others who were born in the same year. You'll introduce us?" Rosé asked.

"Yeah! I got you! You have to meet Hayoon. She is one of the sweetest girls you'll ever meet. So down to earth. She can be a little shy but give her some time and she'll open up to you. When you see her show off her real personality she gets very intense when playing games. Especially card games,"

Lisa and Rosé giggled at that.

"G-Dragon speaks highly of you. I always see him at YG and when we catch up he always brings you up," Jennie added.

"He talks about me to you?" Jen's eyes lit up.

Jen remembered that Jennie worked with G-Dragon before, being in one of his music videos. And Rosé even worked with him, on a song. It made her heart soar that he spoke highly of her. She hoped that one day she could collaborate with him as well. They brought it up a few times but she wanted to continue to improve her craft as an artist before working with him on music. She wanted to be at her best to sing with someone as legendary as him.

"Yeah! He told us he took you under his wing. I remember him saying how determined you looked when you approached him at K-Con. He admired your drive to take action. The way you did not hesitate to ask for advice on how to be a better performer. He also told us you are someone he trusts and that you are authentic," Rosé added.

"Wow...I am honored, my gosh," Jen let out a breath and placed her hands over her heart.

"Can I just say I love the move that you do with Jungkook during Blood, Sweat and Tears!? That flip and spin? It's so good!" Lisa said excitedly. "I want to try to do it during a dance practice but your chemistry with him is something that cannot be duplicated. I've studied dance covers of your little duet and it's clear that the move was meant for you two. I admire your passion when dancing,"

"Aw really? Thank you! I admire your passion for dancing, too! You be killing it on stage! You move with such grace and power, I get blown away every time, girl. I need to learn a thing or two from you,"

"We should practice together, sometime!"

"I'd be down!"

Their conversation was cut short when they heard an announcement that the show was about to begin.

"Before we go to our seats, can we take a selfie?" Jisoo suggested.

"Yeah! Let's do it!" Jen cheered.

Jisoo took out her phone and held the camera up high while the girls crowded around Jen. With all of their face cards on point, the selfie turned out beautifully as they posed with peace signs, kissy faces, and bright smiles.

"Oh, we cute, cute! Send this to me!" Miss Bangtan requested.

After exchanging numbers with the girls, the five of them went to their seats with fansites filming and noticing them together. Seeing the sight made ArmyBlinks excited that they finally met and hoped they take pictures.

---------

As the show began, Jennie sat with Bangtan as the camera occasionally caught her exciting reactions which would make Armies cheer. Jennie happily cheered and lip synced Blackpink's lyrics with fans noticing how Rosé biased she was.

When it was time for Bangtan to perform BST, audience members and idols anticipated JenKook's signature move but they didn't perform it this time and did different choreography. The disappointment was evident on some idols' faces as they whispered amongst themselves about them not doing their move as well as fans.

"No~! I wanted to see the spin," Lisa whined. "Why didn't they do the spin?"

"I know! I wonder why they decided to change the choreography," Jisoo pouted.

"Damn, no spin?" Zico wondered.

"Darn, they didn't do it? What changed?" Kai wondered with EXO.

Fans tweet:

'Are you fucking serious!? Jennie and Jungkook wtf!? I am PISSED!'

'JenKook y'all had ONE JOB!! ONE!! We wanted the spin!'

'I know these damn babies did not skip their highly anticipated dance move of BST,'

'I stayed up all night only for them not to do the spin!? Big Hit, I'm about to sue! Count your MF days!'

'Who scrapped the spin!? I wanna fight! #BringBackTheSpin'

'LISTEN!! If it ain't broke don't fix it! Nothing and I mean NOTHING needed to be changed in JenKook's duet. Keep it like it is! It was perfect! #BringBackTheSpin'

Backstage after their performance, Jungkook laughed at the flooded tweets from Armies and other fans. They all were complaining about them not doing the dance move and it surprised him to see how much viewers enjoyed the unique move. The couple wanted to do something a little different for the Melon Music Awards but clearly, their decision did not sit well with everyone which amused them.

Jungkook tweeted for damage control, 'Ah...we didn't do the spin this time. Sorry ARMY. We will do it next time,'

Immediately fans replied:

'Y'all better! That move is generational!'

'What were y'all thinking switching it up!? We better get nothing but sexiness the next time y'all do it! I am so serious!'

'Bullying works guys!!'

'Y'all know better!'

'OH ARD! That's what I thought. You two better raise the bar next time!'

'GOOD! It better be sexy af the next time you two perform it! I need my JenKook crumbs!'

'I hope the next time they do the move they take it up a notch. Their chemistry has me glued to my screen!'

'THANK YOU!!'

As the show was drawing to a close, she sat in between Yoongi and Taehyung while they watched the presenters call the nominees for album of the year. In Jennie's mind, she assumed EXO was going to win it. EXO had been powerhouses for their albums and the big 3, JYP, SM, and YG always swept these big awards. However, it was an honor to even be nominated in the category for The Most Beautiful Moment In Life: Young Forever album.

She sat, relaxed, already ready to applaud EXO for winning the award as she waited for the presenter to say it.

"2016 Melon Music Award Best Album of the Year goes to...BTS!"

The sound of the group's name caused Bangtan to widen their eyes, looking at each other in utter disbelief.

Did they REALLY just call BTS the album of the year winners!? WHAT!?

Idols around them stood up, equally surprised that a group not from the big 3 won the award as they applauded them. GFriend cheered happily, bouncing up and down as Hayoon yelled cheerfully for Jennie. Namjoon immediately stood up, stunned by the announcement.

"Oh s—" Hobi shouted in shock.

Jennie sat in her seat dumbfounded as she looked around, glancing at the members who equally had the same shocked expression.

"What the f—" she stopped herself as she covered her mouth, trying to process the news that Bangtan had just won their first Daesang.

Daesang...they won a Daesang!

"We won? We won!?" she slowly stood up once the rest of the boys did.

Armies around the venue cheered and screamed as they waved their ARMY bombs in celebration.

"Ahhhh Jennie looks so surprised!" Hayoon giggled to her group before quickly rushing over to embrace her.

It started to become a tradition for these two to find each other to hug, high five, or do something whenever they won an award. Hayoon grabbed her hands and jumped up and down excitedly with her.

"BTS did it! BTS won! I'm so happy for you!" she beamed, pulling her in for another tight hug.

"Holy shit, what the hell is happening!? Is this real!?" Jennie exclaimed, hugging her tightly.

"Yes! Go up there!" she laughed and lightly pushed her forward after pulling away.

Jennie adjusted herself and began walking up to the stage with the rest of the group as they bowed to everyone. She walked with Hobi and Suga as a bright smile came across her beautiful face, feeling her heart pound. As they made it to the stage with Namjoon holding the award, she stood in between Jin and Hobi.

"ARMY! Thank you!" Namjoon shouted on the mic with a big smile as he tried to control his overwhelming emotions.

Seeing Jin start to cry made Jennie begin to rub his back to comfort him. She did her best not to cry herself as she soaked in this moment with the boys. Noticing Hobi looking like he was about to cry, she went to rub his back too, comforting him.

"We have received the best award since our debut here at the Melon Awards. Bang Sihyuk PD-nim, Big Hit Entertainment, parents and friends who have helped us, I want to thank them again and ARMYs, I love you! ARMY, I LOVE YOU!" Namjoon shouted with elation.

After he finished his speech, the members all went in for a big group hug. They all had big smiles on their faces, feeling euphoric from this victory. When they make it backstage, they are still stunned and thrilled that they won the award with a Bangtan Bomb camera filming them.

"Wow really...wow," Namjoon spoke, still processing everything.

"I was so surprised," Jungkook said on camera.

"We weren't anticipating it. We really weren't expecting it. We weren't even expecting it one bit,"

"Thank you so so much. We were so shocked,"

"We won! We won~! I still can't believe it!" Jennie squealed and shook the camera. "Thank you so much!"

Noticing Hobi's tears running down his cheeks with the foundation running down too, Jennie embraced him tightly while the camera filmed them.

"I know...I know..." she murmured. "I'm so proud of us,"

"Army, thank you so much!" Jin said on camera with his tear stained face while Jennie released Hobi. "Thank you, Army! Thank you, Army!"

"Bring it in," she outstretched her arms for Jin and he immediately kissed the top of her head and hugged her tightly.

"She gives the best hugs," he told the camera.

After they returned to their seats, Jennie sat in between Hobi and Jin to continue to watch the show while pulling themselves together. As EXO closed the show, she watched their performance in admiration.

"I wonder what it would be like to close an award show," Jennie wondered out loud with a smile.

Jin listened and began to speak as she looked up at him. "I believe that one day we will get the opportunity. If we can get this Daesang then this is just a step forward in achieving more as a group,"

"Yeah. We will, for sure,"

After the show, they took photos with the trophy and hugged the staff members as they continued to celebrate. Once Angelina found Jennie, she ran and jumped on her, making them both fall to the floor as they laughed.

"Ah~! I am so proud of you! BTS did it! BTS won album of the year!" she began giving Jennie multiple kisses all over her face as she continued to laugh.

After they got up, they embraced tightly, getting emotional.

"Wow, look at you! Thriving in BTS! That album deserved album of the year! It has bangers on top of bangers. This is your motherfuckin' moment, sis! Enjoy it!"

"Thank you! And thank you for being here to support us," Jen murmured against her shoulder.

"You know I'm always going to be there for you just like you are with me. You're stuck with me for life, sis. This win is only the beginning. Watch Bangtan soar to new heights after this! You better enjoy the damn ride, it's gonna be a fun one!"

After pulling away, Angelina wiped Jennie's tears.

"I'm not gonna lie, I thought EXO was gonna win it. When they said BTS I was like what!?" Jen continued to ramble as the camera person for the Bangtan bomb began to film the other members to get their thoughts.

Later on, Jennie sat down on a chair and took in some deep breaths to pull herself together while Jin and Jimin rubbed her back.

"I'm okay...I'm alright...wow...this feels like a dream. This feels like a freaking dream," she sighed.

She shook her head and started praying, thanking the Lord for this moment as emotions came over her again. Tears ran down her cheeks as she whispered to herself, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!"

After she was done praying, she looked up and smiled at the guys when they all went to comfort her. "We did it. We really did it. This is amazing. Wow...over the big frickin' 3!? Blessed! I am so proud of us! Thank you. All of you for making this experience so fun and rewarding,"

"Your family is on the line!" Angelina beamed and handed Jen her phone to reveal her parents and sisters on facetime.

It was wholesome hearing them scream and cheer for Bangtan. The boys even jumped in to say hello and thanked them for their support.

"Ok now that we got the celebrations out of the way, why in the hell didn't you and Jungkook do the spin!?" Jennie's mom complained causing Bangtan and Angelina to laugh.

"Yeah! We were looking forward to it!" Alani frowned.

"You guys need a redo! ASAP!" Vienna added.

"I admit I was looking forward to seeing it and felt my world crashing down when it didn't happen," Jennie's dad spoke up.

"You are so dramatic!" Jennie laughed. "Not you all mad we didn't do this spin, tonight,"

"We'll do it next time," Jungkook grinned. "We promise!"

"You two better. I'll be watching," Jennie's dad pointed at them.

--------------

Days later, Namjoon was in his studio doing a V-Live to catch up with ARMY. As the live went on with fun and engaging moments, he then started to talk about Jennie. A proud smile appeared on his face as he thought of her.

"Jennie is the best. She has been improving a lot behind the scenes and continues to keep a good head on her shoulders. When I first saw her, I was watching the audition for the Bangtan Girl for BTS. She stood out to me because of her outfit choice." He chuckled. "She looked like she was going to wreck someone. I had my head down, so I would listen closely to each person's lyrics created for bulletproof, while V was next to me. As soon as I heard her verse, I had to look up. I know she was probably a bit stressed getting hit with a bombshell of creating a verse for the song over a weekend and presenting it on a Monday but she made it work and she impressed me. When I met her, I thought she was very determined and cute. She's like a little sister to me. And I feel like a proud big brother watching her improve every day in her skills. Ah...I'm getting too personal, am I? Sorry,"

His eyes scanned the comments flowing in.

'Awwww keep going, it's okay! This is so cute!'

'NamJen forever! Best bond in Bangtan!'

'Awwwww he looks like a proud big brother!'

'Thank you for always taking care of Jennie!'

'My baby Jennie and the best leader Namjoon! Thank you for being there for her!'

'Thank you for being a great leader to her!'

"I just want to be the best leader for her. And I want to be that strength she needs to keep pushing forward. She has improved so much over the years. She was so timid when it came to filming music videos, but after filming videos like Dope, Fire, and Blood, Sweat & Tears, I've seen her confidence and charisma grow. I may not understand what it's like to move and work in another country like she did but she has really opened up and become more comfortable here. She's fully adjusting to South Korea. And I'm very proud of her. All of Bangtan is,"

As he continued his live, someone knocked on his door and he turned around. Announcing the person to come in, Jennie strolled in with a bright smile and a plate of cookies.

"Hey! Here, I just made them. I'm going around delivering cookies before working in my studio,"

"For me!? Really!? Oh, this is a great surprise. I'll help myself to these now," he thanked her and took the plate to place on his desk. "You need to open up a bakery,"

"I want to! I wouldn't mind going to culinary school or something. I'd love to make my own business and open up a bakery, one day. We'll see what the future holds. Oh, you on live? Hey, ARMY! I miss you, guys! How are ya?" She waved and read the comments.

'Jennie!!'

'Hi, mom!'

'She baked again!!'

'Jennie, I love you!'

'Do the spin with Jungkook!'

'Do the move with Kookie!'

'JenKook spin for MAMA!'

'JenKook move!'

'Why didn't you do the move at Melon!?'

'Ma'am we want answers about Melon! What happened to the spin!?'

"Yo...." she began to laugh out loud at the comments. "Not y'all roasting me again for not doing the spin. It's been a week! Is it that serious? Oh my gosh,"

Namjoon started to laugh at the comments too, amused that this has become such a big deal in the fandom. When he heard even idols were asking about the spin, it was clear that JenKook had a chokehold in the industry with their strong chemistry.

"ARMY has been a little upset about that," he brought up.

"A little? They spamming my Instagram, too. I didn't think it was going to cause this much of a fuss. You guys really like our signature move?"

Comments rushed in:

'DUH!'

'The way you two dance together are goals!'

'YES GIRL!'

'I can't with her lmfao.'

"Look forward to MAMA, okay? I gotta go but cheer us on at MAMA. Everything will be worth the wait. See ya!" she beamed and left.

----------

The day of the MAMA Awards was finally here. The day Jennie anticipated the most. She had a good feeling about this show and was excited to show off her hard work with what she had planned. The morning of the show, she decided to tweet one simple word along with an eyebrow raising hashtag.

'Bet. #GonBeAnInteresting24Hours #Jen' 

Jennie had been a trending topic on Naver and various K-Pop news outlets, which caused people to anticipate the MAMA Awards even more to see what might happen and if she may respond to Hyuna. Her silence on the matter had been a hot topic and now with her tweet going viral, fans stirred in a frenzy.

People tweeted:

'Uh oh!'

'Woke up and chose violence I see. Now I have to stay up and tune in. What time does the show start again EST time??'

'She broke her silence!'

'She's about to get her lick back!'

'Hyuna has not realized what she had done and is about to face the consequences,'

'Aw, shit...'

'She is about to piss people off and I'm going to love every second of it,'

'No matter what happens and no matter what you do, we will always love you, Jennie!'

'You about to respond!?'

'Hyuna is attending the show, too!! Uh oh....'

'Guys...I think something big is about to happen. Bigger than what we may think. Something is gonna go down tonight,'

'I'm so scared for tonight. Jennie, what are you about to do?'

Already in her short ruffled white dress, her hair was put up in a bun with hair on the side as she sat to get her makeup done. She also wore a small daisy pin for good luck thanks to G-Dragon gifting it to her on her birthday.

"Jen, what can viewers anticipate from you, tonight?" J-Hope asked with a grin as he was getting filmed for their MAMA 2016 Bangtan Bomb.

Glancing up, she smiled. "Expect the unexpected,"

-----

As the members got out of the car for the Red Carpet, they were met with loud screams, photography, and cheers with the MCs announcing their arrival. Jimin held out his hand for Jennie to take and he aided her out of the car.

"Thanks, Chim," she smiled warmly.

It was awesome to see international fans travel to the MAMA Awards. She tried to wave and make eye contact with every fan she could. Peeping some of her fansites made her heart soar. The dedication they had for her did not go unnoticed. Miss Bangtan heard her name get shouted, making her turn to who it was as the fan giggled excitedly and waved. She waved back and grinned as the fan was happy to have caught the moment on their phone.

The group proceeded to walk and made it to where the MCs were, standing on the stage.

"It's BTS, who are taking the world by storm, that is entering, right now. They're a group with perfect performances and won an award for producing their own albums,"

No matter what, Jennie didn't think she'd get used to all the screaming and cheering. It was like each event they attended, the screams got louder and she came to realize Bangtan was really moving up. It was a beautiful thing.

As Jungkook walked closely behind her, he caught a whiff of her perfume. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, smiling softly, enjoying the scent.

"You smell nice," he murmured, opening his eyes.

She glanced back at him and smiled. "Thank you. Hayoon got me some new perfume for my birthday. I like it,"

"I like it, too. You should keep wearing it,"

"I will,"

She stood in between Jimin and Jungkook as the group did their greeting and struck a pose just for the fans.

"Today since we are here at MAMA, we personally would like to hear some good news," Namjoon said on the mic.

"We are just one month away from 2017. Can we ask what plans you have?" The MCs asked.

"We're planning a fanmeet in Japan," Jin answered. "And we're working hard on music production so please look forward to it,"

Just a short while away before the show began with idols heading to their seats, Hyuna made her way to the stage and sat in her seat which was front row. There was tension in the air as anticipation filled to what Jennie might do as a response. Everyone was interested to see how this was going to go and idols were living for the drama. Gossip went all around the idols as they had private discussions on what might happen and who might win this.

"Where is Miss Bangtan?" Chanyeol wondered as he looked around, seeing that she wasn't sitting with the rest of BTS.

"Probably still getting ready?" Sehun assumed.

"I just want to see what she has planned tonight. Hyuna is already seated," he pointed out.

With Jennie, being the social butterfly and eager to meet her favs, she had strolled backstage to find the three men she wanted to meet. First up was Timbaland. He had been invited to perform with Eric Nam and to receive an award. Timbaland had worked with so many artists and was one of the many inspirations to her. She still believed he, Nelly Furtado, and Justin Timberlake were one of the best trios ever in music. They mixed so well.

He was so chill in person and they took a few photos. He even looked pleased to see a black woman here as she thanked him for all his work. Perhaps one day she'll get a chance to work with him. She shared that she DJs and has been making songs for herself that are not quite ready to be released. He encouraged her to keep at it and gave her advice on making music which she took to heart, feeling grateful for his words. One day she will share her passions with ARMY. 

Meeting Wiz Khalifa was a fun experience, with them sharing a hug and him having a big grin on his face. She expressed her admiration for his song with Charlie Puth and that she couldn't wait to see him perform tonight.

Meeting THE Quincy Jones had her starstruck. One of the greatest music producers of all time was in front of her as they shook hands. Her face warmed when he called her gorgeous and it was sweet of him to take time to talk to her. He listened to her talk about making music and he gave her lots of words of wisdom on creating.

She could listen to Quincy talk all day. He had a way with words that made her feel like she could do anything her creative mind envisioned when producing. But what stuck out to her the most was when he told her some of the best advice he had gotten.

"Your music will never be more or less than you are a human being,"

And it stuck with her. Being an idol is exhausting at times but she loved the work and the way it paid off. She wanted to remain happy. She wanted to continue to thrive with Bangtan and enjoy life. She wanted to speak her truth. She had to be vulnerable tonight when she got on that stage for her solo. She truly needed to dig down deep tonight when responding to Hyuna.

After tonight, she wanted to remove all negative thoughts and move forward with everything. And to take a break from social media. A break from social media was needed. Breaks were good and she could always see it assisting her mentally.

After speaking to these men, she felt a fire light in her and felt even more musically inspired. She posted the photos on Twitter with the caption, 'An honor to meet these amazing & talented black men! Night has been made! Thank you for your kindness and words of wisdom! #Jen'

After going to the bathroom, Jennie made her way to the stage, earning loud cheers from fans when they saw her. She smiled and waved, heading over to where Bangtan was sitting. She ignored Hyuna's presence as she walked past her and acknowledged her idol friends sitting around. Fansites filming her caught some reactions of some idols watching her in awe, admiring her look for the night as she took a seat next to Jungkook at the end.

"Welcome back!" Jungkook grinned.

"Yeah, glad to see you smiling, brighter. Did something happen?" Hobi asked.

"Thanks! And yeah, I got to meet Wiz, Timbaland and Quincy Jones! My heart was racing a bit! They were awesome! I took photos with them. You'll see on our Twitter," she beamed.

The members were surprised and happy as she talked about the interactions she had with each of them. They could tell she was creatively moved by their words of wisdom. Soon after, the boys were all immersed in their own conversations while Jennie tried to adjust her bracelet which was put on a bit too tightly. She accidentally dropped the bracelet and both her and Jungkook aimed to kneel to grab it.

"Thanks, I got it," she glanced at him with a smile, grabbing it first as they both rose, still sitting quite close.

Jungkook got caught in 4K with the way he kept his eyes on her while her focus was on the stage and audience members as the show was preparing to start soon. The way he glanced at her up and down as a small smile came across his face with his lingering gaze did not go unnoticed with fan sites filming them.

Feeling his eyes on her, she turned and looked at him up and down, with them both occasionally glancing at each other's lips. Then they began to smile as she found herself getting lost in his blue contact colored eyes.

No wonder things felt like something was missing. The two of them realized they hadn't kissed each other all day. They'd been so busy preparing for the show and making sure their dances were fine that they didn't even get a chance to share one kiss today.

"Do you two need to be separated?" Yoongi asked teasingly while covering his mouth to avoid getting his lips read by fans watching them. This became a reoccurring thing to cover their mouths so they could speak more freely at these shows.

Jimin and Taehyung started laughing since they had been watching the couple this whole time.

"They haven't kissed at all, today. Jungkook might just go feral," Jimin giggled.

"Yeah, you two need to be separated," Yoongi advised with an amused smirk, making the 95 Liners laugh again.

"We really don't," Jen replied. "We'll be on our best behavior,"

"Are you sure? You two are distracted by each other," Taehyung teased.

"Do you remember where we are?" Jimin added to the teasing.

"Did we fail to mention we caught Jungkook's pleased expression when smelling her new perfume? He can't get enough,"

"Hyung!" Jungkook glared, feeling his face warm.

"We've moved to you two enjoying each other's smells and scents you use? You two need to relax," Hobi laughed.

"Oh my God, can you leave us alone and stop watching us?" Jennie exclaimed, feeling her face flushed.

"Should I be concerned?" Jin asked, listening to the conversation. "Maybe you two should switch seats," 

"Seriously?" Jungkook frowned.

"We'll be on our best behavior, Jin," Jennie reassured.

"Are you sure? Because I do not believe that,"

"Neither do I," Namjoon spoke up with a light laugh.

"You guys are exaggerating!" Jennie exclaimed. 

"This time, I don't think we are," Jin chuckled and let out a sigh, already knowing they were going to drive him nuts tonight. "Just please try to behave yourselves and stay professional tonight,"

"Sir, yes, sir!"

Once the show began, Jennie jumped for joy and found herself getting emotional when IOI won Best New Female Artist. Cameras caught her looking proud and ecstatic for the girls with her eyes getting watery.

When GFriend and Seventeen performed for their collaboration, Hayoon was paired up with Vernon. The synchronization of the two groups blew Jennie's mind as she had her jaw dropped at their dancing. When Gallant performed, she smiled over at Taehyung since he was a big fan and cheered loudly with him, overjoyed with his performance.

As Baekhyun and Suzy performed Dream, Jen watched him, mesmerized as the camera caught her singing along to his parts. The members would glance over and smile at her being so into the song, knowing how much she adored him. It caught a lot of attention from Exols and ever since Jennie started meeting the EXO members, Exols took a liking to her. They loved how vocal she was about her admiration for the group and how highly she spoke of them. The EXO members would always have nothing but good things to say about her and enjoyed their sweet moments together. Armies and Exols wondered if they'd share another moment tonight.

Later, Bangtan managed to win Best Dance Performance. However, Jin and Taehyung weren't with them when they announced them as the winners, causing Jennie to laugh. They were probably in the bathroom. Nonetheless, she stood up with the rest of the boys, bowing and thanking everyone with big smiles.

"Yeah! Go, Jennie! Congrats guys!" Bam Bam shouted and approached them with Yugyeom.

The two Got7 members high fived her, Suga, and Jimin before they went up to the stage. Rapmon gave the award to Hobi and stood behind him so he could do the acceptance speech. Jennie smiled proudly as she stood next to him and listened to him speak.

"Wow! Thank you so much for such a huge award," Hobi said on the mic. "And since it's the best performance award for us, there is a larger meaning behind it. Thank you so much. And to the ARMYs who are always supporting us, thank you so much. And I would like to thank Teacher Son Seung Deuk who created this best performance,"

Jennie chuckled once Taehyung and Jin rushed on stage to join them. They both gave her a look as the three of them tried not to burst out in laughter. The trio smiled at one another while Jin placed his hands on Jungkook and Rapmon's shoulders, smiling at them.

"Thank you so much!" Hobi ended his speech, earning loud cheers.

"Thank you, ARMY!" Suga shouted.

"I love you!" Jin added with Taehyung and blew a flying kiss.

----------

As Zico performed Boys and Girls, Jen sat in between Hobi and Taehyung, vibing and doing the choreography. Once he made his way over to where Bangtan was sitting, the members danced in their seats while he took a seat near Rapmon on the arm of the couch. When Bermuda Triangle came on, she stood up with Hobi and Taehyung, getting hyped as they watched Dean and Zico back on the main stage.

"This is my shit!" she started dancing and vibing to Dean, singing along with Hobi and Taehyung.

Don't let 'em in, let 'em in

Get out my zone

We, we, we never know

We, we, we never talk

'Cause we, we, we criminal

Don't let 'em in, let 'em in

Get out my zone

She laughed out loud when Taehyung began dabbing and she followed his movements, making him happy. Once Zico summoned Crush, Jennie immediately turned and locked eyes with Jungkook who was still sitting as they pointed to each other and lip synced his verse.

Nuul jaril jedaero bogo nuwoyaji

Y'all fake bitches tryna act like me

Anjaseo meongman ttaeryeodo nae sopa wie (ssodajineun)

Mula, mula, we gon' pour up

Murder, murder, sumeul jungnyeo

Sangkwaehae ne meori wie gonggi

Nobody can't come over here

Dean, Crush, and Zico killed it on stage, hyping up the crowd. It was one of her favorite performances of the night. Later on, Jen switched seats again and found herself sitting at the end with Jungkook. She grinned as the next act consisted of a collaboration between Got 7, Monsta X, and NCT 127.

Get it lifted

As soon as NCT's Firetruck began to play, Jennie began nodding her head to the beat, enjoying the song. This song was a banger and one of her absolute favorites.

"Firetruck," she mouthed, beginning to lip sync the song while dancing in her seat.

"Ey, yea, yea, yea, yea!" She fan chanted with the audience and Jungkook.

The camera showed Jennie and Jungkook both on the screen as loud cheers occurred and they looked at the camera, headbanging. Bangtan giggled at their enthusiasm and so did some other idols who peeped them on screen.

Fans tweet:

'Why they matching each other's energy so loudly?'

'Their face cards!'

'They're making the same facial expression, so cute'

'JenKook!!'

'I think she does a little bit too much at these award shows. Just sit and enjoy the show, not all the excessive dancing, taking attention from the artists on stage,'

'These two are so beautiful. Wow!'

'Lmfaoooo they are a mood!'

'I'm really happy Mnet is showing Jennie on screen. Her reactions are always so lively instead of others just sitting there,'

'I love how excited she gets about all these groups. Still a K-Pop fan at heart. I'm happy she still reacts this way at shows,'

After NCT performed, Jennie cheered on Jooheon who rapped with Taeyong. His flow and attitude were amazing and she paid close attention to how he performed. Once Monsta X began to perform Fighter, she ended up cheering for Wonho when he was shown singing. She passionately sang his lines while fans had tweeted how Wonho biased she was. After their performance, it was time for Got7 as they performed Hard Carry with her dancing along.

As the show went on, she was proud to see Seventeen win the World Performer Award as she was the first to stand and applaud. Seeing The8 made her smile widely and wave as he waved back.

"Gosh, I hope one day I'm chosen to present an award at one of these shows. It would be fun," Jennie thought out loud.

When the presenters began to announce the nominees for best female vocal performance, Jennie jumped in her seat and cheered loudly when Ailee was shown on the screen. Bangtan glanced at her with knowing smiles, loving her excitement for the woman she had admired for years.

Once Ailee was announced as the winner, she applauded, jumping up and down, excitedly. Just before going up to the stage, Ailee caught a glimpse of Jen and smiled widely, waving at her. When she gave her acceptance speech, the camera caught Jennie watching her with admiration. The angle of where Jennie was filmed caused Twitter to geek over how beautiful her face card was and point out the love in her eyes as she watched Ailee.

With the show getting ready for the next segment, Jennie suddenly received a few packs of smarties from Jungkook.

"How'd you know I was about to ask?" she happily accepted them with surprise in her voice.

"I brought some with me just in case. I was paying attention to your facial expression. When you're about to ask for smarties or say that you wish you had them, you make this cute face. It's like you're pouting,"

"What? I was not pouting..." She turned away, feeling her face warm as he giggled.

"You just did it again,"

"Stop looking at me," she playfully pushed him away, making him laugh harder.

Lately, with the members, her smarties are always on standby. Over the years of getting to know her, they started to understand and know exactly when she wanted the candy and managed to always hand them to her before she opened her mouth to ask.

"Still, thank you," she added and began eating them.

As she ate her smarties, she ended up tossing them up in the air to catch and eat. Wanting to challenge her, Jungkook decided to do it too with his pack of smarties to see who could catch more in their mouths. In the end, Jungkook won as he grinned victoriously while Jennie caught any smarties that she missed from her mouth with her fast hands.

Rule Number One: Do NOT waste Smarties

Next up on the show was Twice and IOI performing. Jennie looked and felt like a proud mom watching IOI perform Pick Me. Fansites caught her entire reaction to the girls performing and thought it was wholesome seeing her get emotional. Being a trainer at Produce 101 to seeing the girls thrive as a group made her heart feel complete. Whenever Jennie was shown on screen, loud cheers would occur and sometimes idols reacted positively when they saw her on screen, with some smiling and commenting that she looked nice.

Once IOI began to perform Very, Very, Very, Jennie began to do the choreography while lip syncing.

nal neomuneomuneomu

neomuneomuneomu neomuneomuneomu

neomuneomuneomu neomuneomuneomu

After they performed, Twice was up to perform Cheer Up and then TT as she watched happily, cheering her friends, Mina and Jihyo, on.

"Just like TT! Just like TT!" she performed the choreography with Taehyung.

-----------

It was time for Hyuna to perform, as some idols were anticipating if anything was going to happen. They hadn't found something this entertaining in a while and hoped something would go down between her and Jennie. Hyuna strutted on stage and performed U&ME. Then she performed How's This with her backup dancers.

Jennie thought it was extremely petty of Mnet to keep a camera right in front of her to film her every reaction but she remained unamused and watched with her head up high. Bangtan didn't even like the fact that the camera was basically in her face nor did Armies.

Suddenly, Hyuna had changed some of her lyrics, not looking Jennie's way as she danced.

Not a high and mighty girl scout in the club behind some fake bulletproof glass. How boring.

Some idols widened their eyes while others glanced over to where Jennie sat.

Yet another diss? This was getting out of control.

Bam Bam cringed and glanced at Jennie with worry, hoping she'd be all right. Hayoon frowned at the diss and shook her head slightly.

However, Jennie only smirked as she continued to watch, knowing that all eyes were on her to see how she'd react. Bangtan glanced at her and as she met their eyes, she gave them a nod. They nodded back and remained calm as they continued to watch the performance.

Suddenly a switch flipped in Jennie's demeanor as she rolled her neck and stared at Hyuna.

'This bitch got me fucked up...' she thought as she kept her cool.

Fans tweet:

'Not again!! Enough already!'

'Is she trying to provoke Jennie?'

'Don't be mad if Jennie catches her in an alley to stomp that ass!'

'The neck roll! I repeat! The neck roll! Jennie just did the neck roll! That is BAD! She got something planned! Get ready!'

'I don't like how she's acting. This is bullying at this point. Hyuna needs to chill,'

'Jen better than me because I would have ran on stage and popped her shit,'

'From the looks of it, Jennie is so bitter and jealous,'

'That smirk means business. I'm not ready,'

'I wish people would stop judging Jennie,'

'Jennie looks like she's plotting,'

'Why does she look so hot when she's upset?'

'Bangtan knows something that we don't because they don't look bothered at all,'

'Bangtan isn't even phased?! What is Jennie planning tonight?'

Little did they know Jennie was listening closely and analyzing what she was saying to use it against her.

'High and mighty...' she thought, making a mental note.

----------

Timbaland arrived on stage to perform with Eric Nam.

And boy was it...awkward.

She sat next to Namjoon during this performance and covered her mouth to murmur to him, "Yo, Timbaland looks so confused. This whole performance is hard to watch,"

And he agreed. It was hard to watch. And she wished the crowd was more excited for Timbaland. It was THE Timbaland and the audience wasn't that loud for him in comparison to Eric Nam. No offense to him.

After being told they were needed backstage, Bangtan got ready for their performance. She changed out of her dress to wear black pants and a long-sleeved ruffled white shirt that hugged her body nicely. With her hair out, she wore a black suit jacket with some silver designs around it, and the daisy pin was placed on the jacket for good luck. As she got ready, she watched on the monitor to see that EXO had won best group and Twice won best female group.

Waiting to get on stage, Jennie ended up posting G-Dragon's iconic diss on the MAMA Awards on her Instagram story, which sparked even more interest in what was going to happen tonight.

"I got a little solo stage. It's going to be pretty fun. I hope everyone likes what I have in store," she beamed at the Bangtan Bomb camera after warming up her voice.

She looked ahead to see Jin checking out the special effects makeup on Taehyung's back to show off his broken wings. He went on the touch it but began to freak out, causing her to giggle.

"It feels like pudding!" Jin exclaimed.

"Why is Jin Hyung so childish?" Namjoon wondered, causing Jennie to laugh again.

The laughter loosened her up and made her less on edge about tonight's big performance.

She was ready.

After everyone was ready and went over last minute rehearsals, the eight of them gathered around and put their hands in the middle.

"All right, fellas! Let's make it a memorable one!" Jennie cheered.

"Indeed! Mama 2016, let's make it a legend. Bangtan! Bangtan!" Namjoon shouted.

"Bang-Bangtan! Fighting!" the group shouted and pushed their hands down.

----------

Backstage with the rest of the boys, Jennie watched with a smile as Jungkook looked ethereal while hanging from the ceiling on stage. He really did his thing. And it was harder than it looked.

She turned to the backup dancers who were patiently waiting for their cue to come out after they performed BST. She greeted them happily and asked if the cookies she made for them yesterday tasted fine. They raved over their love for her baking and appreciated her kindness. She wanted to thank them for being such a great support system for Bangtan and wanted to give them something nice.

"Let's have some fun! See you out there!" She beamed and bowed at them.

On stage, next up was J-Hope performing Boy Meets Evil, hyping up the crowd with a blue background. Then Jimin was revealed on stage, featuring a red background as he danced to Lie while blindfolded.

"The camera work though~?" Jennie watched in awe while the camera did a full circle as he danced.

Then the two had an epic dance collaboration on stage while performing the rest of the choreography for Boy Meets Evil. After they were done, the rest of the group met up on stage and began to perform Blood, Sweat, & Tears as the audience cheered loudly.

wonhae mani mani mani mani

wonhae mani mani mani mani mani mani

wonhae mani mani mani mani

wonhae mani mani mani mani mani mani

Here we go, the most anticipated part. The audience had been waiting to see a MAMA Award version of their duet. As the rest of the members were on the floor, only Jen remained standing with Jungkook. Like always, Jungkook stared at her with love and desire as he slowly made his way toward her from behind. With his presence behind her and face near her neck, he held her in his arms. She leaned into his arms as she began to sing with her mic.

How much longer before you consume me?

No matter how much I resist, I can't fight what you're doing

He turned her around and tried to get closer but she backed away. Persistent this time, he pulled her straight into his chest as he smirked and held her gaze with the audience screaming at their closeness.

My mind is telling me to break free but my body is freaking out

No, I can't want you, get out of my head

As you love every inch of me you see that I want it too

They continued to dance sensually with him mirroring her movements.

Breath on my neck, I bit off more than I can chew

Reflecting on my choices, I'm wonderin' if there's any way out of this

"Here comes my favorite part!" Yugyeom pointed out with the rest of Got 7 agreeing.

"Are they about to do the spin, this time?" Somi asked the IOI members as they were hopeful.

"Are they gonna do it?" Baekhyun wondered.

"The part is coming~!" Yuji giggled with the rest of GFriend.

"The spin coming?" Mingyu asked in anticipation, leaning forward, studying their movements.

"Let it be the spin," Mina had her fingers crossed.

"Here comes the spin!" Wonho cheered.

The idols got excited and so did the crowd as they began screaming and cheering when JenKook did their signature move. Everyone watched in awe at how they moved and thought about the amount of trust that was needed to pull it off. They weren't called The Golden Duo for nothing.

Jennie was pulled back into his arms as she continued to sing.

I'm losing this battle, I just can't resist. 

The music changed slightly from the original instrumental of BST. Jennie and Jungkook were supposed to dance a little more for this instrumental but they remained close and pressed up against each other with her in his arms. They held each other's strong gaze and suddenly their lips met as they drowned out the loud pandemonium around the venue.

With their eyes closed, Jungkook gently lifted her chin and turned his head to deepen the kiss as they both smiled into it.

With the idols, Bam Bam began shaking Jackson while their jaws were dropped, looking shooked. Jay B and Mark widened their eyes while the rest of Got7 acted chaotic as they all enjoyed every bit of the surprising moment.

"What!? What!?" Jackson shouted as he fell dramatically.

The boys laughed at his reaction. Yugyeom grinned immediately once he saw them kiss and let out a chuckle. It made him proud to see Jungkook be so open about Jennie like this. The amount of guy talks they had about girls and how Jungkook's eyes would light up whenever he mentioned her made Yugyeom understand that these two were serious about each other.  

The kiss fit so well with the performance and her lyrics. But there was no denying the love in their eyes as they looked at each other and how they kissed.

With IOI, various reactions occurred as some dropped their jaws, widened their eyes, covered their mouths, and giggled to themselves. Some filming them even caught a few of them mentioning how happy and cute Jennie looked with Jungkook. With EXO as they watched the kiss unfold, Chanyeol covered his face, giggling at the sight. Baekhyun smiled genuinely, watching Jennie kiss the man she loved dearly.

"Full of surprises," Sehun chuckled.

"Very," Xiumin added.

Twice looked at one another, surprised at the sudden kiss. They were excited to see their signature move but a kiss on top of that? Blown away. Mina and Jihyo glanced at each other with big smiles, happy for their friends.

"Did you think that was going to happen?" Jihyo asked.

"I didn't think it would but look at them. So cute! Jennie truly loves him. She smiles so brightly with him,"

"Mm hm!"

With Monsta X, the boys reacted dramatically and were in awe at their chemistry.

"I was waiting for a kiss!" Hyungwon pointed out.

"Me too, I was like, they have to do something big," Shownu chuckled.

"I wasn't expecting that at all, like damn!" Jooheon exclaimed.

All of GFriend gasped and then began jumping and squealing in their seats after seeing them smooch. Hayoon giggled with the girls and pointed out the kiss.

"It's happening! It's happening! I cannot stay calm about this! Finally~!" Hayoon cheered and began clapping with Yuji and Eunha.

"They kiss so passionately, my gosh," Sowon looked on, amazed.

Seventeen looked surprised while Mingyu and The8 happily smiled, enjoying the fact that their friends kissed openly on stage.

Meanwhile, Hyuna rolled her eyes as her reaction was filmed and she began to frown. She had her fair share of kisses on the MAMA Awards stage but the way the audience was screaming and cheering was a much louder reception than hers over the years.

With Bangtan, the boys were caught by surprise by their kissing. No one said anything about a kiss on stage. Jimin and Taehyung did their best not to freak out as they focused on the performance. The way they grinned and glanced at each other while they remained on the floor. Their hearts felt full to see their ship this open with each other in public. They especially loved how the kiss was a deep and passionate one and not just a short and sweet one.

Yoongi had enlarged his eyes a little at the bold move, wondering if this had been planned privately in advance. Getting over his initial shock, he became amused.

'These kids...' he thought.

Namjoon wasn't too surprised about it. He knew Jennie and Jungkook loved to be extra. He felt proud to see them show affection to each other on stage, not having a care in the world. They looked happy and that was all he wanted for them. To be happy like this privately and publicly. He found himself getting amused as he glanced at their passionate lip lock.

Mnet was having a field day with this. Ratings were definitely through the roof now with this shocking moment along with them raising the bar on this passionate kiss.

Jin and Hobi screamed internally when they saw them smooch. They weren't expecting it and thought they'd go along with their routine. After getting over the shock, it pleased them to see them be this bold in public and thought it fit well with the performance.

Back with Jennie and Jungkook, they pulled away as she bit her bottom lip lightly, returning his smile.

But then...reality set in.

'Oh...oh shit,' They both thought and realized what just happened.

They both remained "In Character" for their performance although it was pretty clear their feelings were showing out. It was bound to happen. The kiss was not planned at all but they moved to each other by instinct. And it felt good. So good. She kissed her boyfriend in front of the entire world, solidifying a MAMA Awards moment.

Remembering her last line, she finally sang the end of her verse.

Only a matter of time before you screw me up and I'll be stuck reminiscing. 

Jungkook had to refrain from kissing her again as they both leaned back in which caused more screaming from the audience to occur. Then they reluctantly pulled away as he blew out air and shook his head a few times, trying to control himself from making out with her on stage.

'We're on stage. We're on stage,' Jungkook reminded himself as he kept backing away from her and went to the next dance position for the song.

With the screaming still occurring around the venue and fansites of Jennie and Jungkook catching their every facial expression, this moment was on its way to going viral.

People on social media were going crazy over the timeline with memes and various tweets:

'JENKOOK STANS RISE!'

'It wasn't even a quick kiss! That kiss was longer than anticipated!'

'My man did NOT want to let her go.'

'They both looked like they didn't want to let each other go. They were both in a trance!''

'We said spin not kiss wtf wtf AHHHHHH!'

'WHY DID SHE KISS HIM!? WAIT!'

'Oh...OH! They playing this BST sexy persona a little TOO well!'

'The way he had the GRIP on her?! Jungkook PLEASE!'

'The way he backed away!? She got him straining!'

'Jungkook saw an opportunity and took it! That smile into the kiss!? Oh, my man wanted to do that for a LONG time!'

'Why is he kissing Jennie!? Why!?'

'I'm fine...I'm totally fine...'

'We shipped the right ship! They kissed! They fucking kissed in front of everybody!'

'Were they acting!? Because that looked too real!'

'Jennie looked so dazed after kissing him!'

'Rookie King Kiss on STEROIDS!'

'That kiss was too American!'

'Do you see how happy the 97 Liners are looking?! Something is up!'

'Cries in Taennie!'

'The kiss that was meant for Taehyung nooooo!'

'And to think this was supposed to be Taehyung in this position instead,'

'How to be Jennie? Had sexy scenes with Taehyung and now gets to kiss Jungkook on stage? Lucky!'

'It's happening! Everybody stay calm! Stay fucking calm!'

'That tension is something that cannot be replicated because I was going crazy watching them on my screen. I was like KISS! And when they did I screamed! I didn't think they would do it!'

'How can I be Jennie in this moment?'

'A stage kiss!? Is this a stage kiss!? This looks so real!'

'Jennie's acting lessons are paying off. She is playing the part well of slowly giving in to temptation. Jungkook is hard to resist!'

'THE TENSION! THE BEDROOM EYES!? OH MY GOD!'

'WTF WTF A KISS!?'

'WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!'

'JENKOOK POR FAVOR!!'

'I have no choice but to Stan. Jennie show me your ways. First it was Taehyung, now it's Jungkook!'

'We got a man down! Jungkook get up! He is obsessed!'

'The way I felt like a third wheel I–'

'Jennie STAND UP! Ma'am you're supposed to be resisting temptation!'

'He down baaaad! What is happening!?'

'AHHHH'

'SKSKSKSKS'

'WTF JUST HAPPENED!?'

'They taking it to a whole new level!'

'OH MY GOD'

'Lives are about to be CHANGED!'

'Y'all can stop being in denial now! JenKook forever! Better than your other ships!'

'They are stressing me out! Can they PLEASE confirm it!?'

'Do you know how long we've waited for a kiss!?'

'JenKook stans we up!'

After performing the rest of the song and heading backstage while Jin and Taehyung do their final act together, Jungkook pulled Jennie into his arms and looked down at her.

"No turning back now," he grinned.

"I know," she grinned back. "I feel relieved and happy,"

"Me too. Kill it out there. I'll see you, soon. I love you,"

He cupped her face and pulled her in for a deep kiss, followed by multiple short kisses.

"I love you, too,"

"Was that planned?" Namjoon laughed.

"It just happened. I don't know who leaned in first," Jennie admitted.

"I don't know either but I'm not complaining," Jungkook added.

Jimin and Hobi jumped excitedly with Yoongi.

"JENKOOK~!" Yoongi shouted, making them all laugh as he started shaking the couple.

"Oh my God..." Jennie chuckled.

"JENKOOK~!" Jimin shouted. "Do you know how happy Tae and I were!? Our ship is soaring! Finally! That kiss was everything! You two know how to make us proud, huh?!"

The staff members had to step in to get them to separate so they could get them to their next location for the main stage while Jennie remained where she was. She waved goodbye and got ready.

"Jennifer."

She turned to see Yoongi.

"Control your emotions out there and wreck her life. You got this," he nodded in reassurance.

"Thanks, I will. See you out there," she nodded and saw him walk away, only leaving Namjoon.

Namjoon smiled down at her and held her hands, giving them a gentle squeeze.

"Jennie, you are undeniable. You are so good that they can't ignore you. This is your moment. Show them who Miss Bangtan is,"

Her eyes got glossy as she looked up at him and broke out into a grin.

"Thank you,"

He pulled her in for a big hug, kissing her forehead.

"I am so proud of you. And I am proud to be your leader. I'll see you out there,"

Once he left, she let out a deep breath and waited for her cue as she gripped her mic. The backup dancers were currently on stage, some in white cloaks and black cloaks while a Bangtan Bomb had been filming her all this time.

'Why did you and Jungkook kiss on stage?'

She was asked as a smile crept up on her lips at their lip lock. Turning to the camera she responded with a wink, "I did say no matter how much I resist I can’t fight what you’re doing. I officially fell into temptation. It was worth it though,"

Once the staff told her she could go on stage, she touched her daisy pin, thinking of G-Dragon. As soon as she got back on that stage...she knew everything was about to change.

"I hope I continue to make you proud," she murmured.

PART 2 OF THIS CHAPTER

[stilljuststardust]

Hey

Idk if you remember me but I sent you an ask before. Unfortunately i'm still miserable. I feel like the "you already have it" advice doesn't work for me, at least for shifting, and gives me mental breakdowns instead. There's so much stuff i'm sad about and idk how to get over the attitude that being sad = your manifestation won't happen.

I cry to myself about how much life sucks like once a week. I'm disappointed in myself that i've been on loa tumblr for like a year and seemingly learned nothing since I haven't gotten anything I wanted. Idk what the ppl that manifest easily are doing differently than me, or how to make what they do work for me. Idk what to do I feel like all the mainstream advice

I try to follow like "imagine it and chill out" or "you already have it" just give me mental breakdowns instead of success. Idk what to do i'm really tired. Please help

Hello again, I do remember you.

My perspective has changed a bit over this past year. I'm sorry that it wasn't what you needed then. You don't have to feel great, you don't have to feel anything.

It's not about doing everything right, you're just repeating something till your subconscious manifests it. You don't have to jump through hoops or suppress your emotions you just have to saturate your mind.

This is sloppier than I'd like. It's 3 am and though I've been thinking of what I'd like to say I'm a bit too out of it for it to come out how I need it. I don't want you to wait longer though so I'll post it anyways.

Similar post where I said all of this better

Also, I know you've read this before but you really should again:

It's ok to feel like shit

Your emotions don't manifest. If you just need to be told that I can say it as many times as you like. Half the stuff I've manifested I was cranky or anxious or mad when I did it. Half the time I didn't believe it'd happen and then it did. Half the time I felt how you do. You can do it. I promise.

I don't use fulfilment for the same reason you mentioned, stressed me out. For me personally it was vague and didn't allow me to anchor myself.

It's ok that you feel like shit. It's ok that you're scared. It's ok that you're hurting. You can still do this and I promise you don't have to magically defy your emotions to do it.

In terms of how to change the actual belief you just affirm the opposite. You learned it through repetition it's unlearned the same way. Anti-climatic I know. I used to have a rule that if I said something bad about myself I would repeat three things good. Maybe when you have that belief come up your repeat three reasons why you can feel like shit and still manifest.

Stop punishing yourself for having emotions. Suppressing emotions has never made them go away and I can tell you from experience it is a losing battle. You can feel them, it's ok.

In my opinion you need to take a break. Take that pressure off. Right now it's a burden of its own and it's just piling onto everything else you're feeling.

You need to take a couple days where you don't push yourself so hard. No methods or law or anything. Process your emotions and let yourself breathe for a bit.

Chill. Not as a method or a tool but just genuine mental health advice. I know taking a break won't solve the issues in your life but neither will beating yourself up every day. Ground yourself and let out everything you're pushing down because it is clearly weighing on you.

You have been putting near constant pressure on yourself for a year. In my experience the pressure you're putting on yourself is more suffocating than your actual feelings. The most painful thing is usually our refusal to feel it.

When I would suppress my emotions it felt like constantly running away from my life. I didn't feel better, the suppression just became an additional burden. We let out emotions because that's how they leave us. If we hold them in that's where they'll stay, inside of us.

Cry for an hour, throw a fit, write in a burn book. Give yourself permission to fucking feel. (You can do this even when manifesting something btw)

When you're ready to come back to manifestation don't return to emotional suppression. Feel what you feel just don't repeat the old story to yourself. What I mean by that is you are 100% allowed to feel like absolute shit just don't affirm for anything you don't want.

Get off Tumblr and get away from all the noise telling you what to do or shaming you for mistakes.

Stick to robotic affirmations instead of fulfillment . The only goal is to repeat a sentence/thought that implies you have it and avoid repeating anything that implies you don't.

Feel whatever you want, it's robotic because feeling is not a factor. It's a definable goal so you don't have to be constantly asking if you're doing it right.

10 minutes whenever you can just repeat what you want. That's your only goal do not add anything else to it. Don't try something new when you get anxious, stick to a schedule and take care of yourself. I say this because I think what you need is something solid to ground yourself with instead of a less defined goal.

Don't ignore your mental health in the name of living in the end. Living in the end is just refusing to affirm shit you don't want.

Your biggest obstacle is your self hatred. This is speculation but it sounds to me like when you waver or give into the 3D you respond to it by chastising yourself.

Maybe you have an unconscious belief that self discipline = scolding yourself or this is just your knee jerk reaction to mistakes. You can recognize the need for change without berrating yourself. Sometimes healing isn't linear, sometimes we slip up, that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.

From a different post but I honestly don't think I can rephrase this better:

You cannot shame yourself better. Hating yourself, comparing yourself to others, being cruel to yourself because you "aren't doing good enough" has never helped you. If you only have one person in your corner it should be you. If you have only one person telling you to keep going it should be you.

On days when everything seems out of your control you can control how you treat yourself. You deserve kindness and patience too. It's ok if you have setbacks. It's ok if you got off track.

It's ok to trust yourself. It's ok to tell yourself you're good enough and that what you're doing is enough. It's ok to tell yourself that you're good at this.

You feel things very deeply and there is nothing wrong with that. Shame will not push you out of it.

You are consistently reinforcing the beliefs that you:

1. Are not good enough to manifest

2. Cannot change and

3. Will fail if you try again

Self defacing behavior is doing NOTHING but further a negative self concept/make you feel like shit.

You are good enough. There is nothing wrong with you. You do not have to become someone else to get what you want because you are enough.

Links

Manifest with anger subliminal

Manifest with sadness subliminal

Manifest with impatience subliminal

Success stories with robotic affirmations (aka without emotion)

My favorite manifestation video "you only have one limiting belief"

[thatfreshi]

"Unlucky Draw" (Uni AU p. 15)

There's finally some fluff guys!!!!!!!!!

tw - anxiety, discussion of weed

Since Halsin's little break-up escapade happened, you actually do get the chance to see Astarion later that night. As of recent, he's been throwing himself into his thesis project more and more, to the point where most of your time hanging is spent with him looking through books and asking 'do you think this sounds right?'

"You know you can take a break, right?"

"I could, you're right, but then I'd just be wasting time. And I'm not allotted much time to work on this."

The two of you are comfortably sprawled across his mattress, like teenagers at a sleepover. You roll over and shut his laptop.

"C'mon, you've been staring at that paper for like two hours."

"And what else should I do, my darling Tav? Maybe stare at the ceiling in silence? Or scroll mindlessly on my phone until I don't feel like moving anymore?"

"Ugh, no! I don't know, take a coffee break. You're probably not going to sleep anyways."

Your best friend almost looks peaceful like this, wrapped in a cozy sweater and sweatpants, always wearing long socks because he gets cold too easily. You find yourself lingering on the thought longer than normal, wishing he could feel that comfortable warmth all the time, wondering it might be like to share in it.

"Tav, are you listening? God, maybe we should just stare at the ceiling in silence."

"Sorry, just spacing out. What were you saying?"

"I was saying, how I should probably cut back on the caffeine."

"Really? Astarion Barista Ancunín, are you turning your back on your beloved espresso machine?"

"Look, I'm not happy about it, but I've been far too anxious as of late. My nerves are on fire constantly, jumping at every little noise I hear. It's irritating, to say the least."

"I thought being caffeinated was how you dealt with the insomnia though?"

"Oh it very much is, which will become a problem soon enough, but I just can't be this nervous constantly."

It's something that you've definitely noticed, how quiet and fidgety he's become recently.

"You considered smoking weed? I know Gale says it helps him zen out, especially when it comes to art stuff."

"Nope, makes me paranoid."

"Damn, unlucky draw I guess."

"You're telling me. I smoked one time back in high school, couldn't sleep for hours, kept thinking someone was out to get me or something."

You start to get lost in the peace of the moment again, the fact that you're able to talk about shit that doesn't matter, how the light from the bedside lamp hits his eyes just right...

"Are you alright? You seem, out of it."

"Sorry, just thinking about what Halsin said to me."

"I can't believe he just broke things off like that, without a reason."

You swallow hard.

"He, he said it's because he thinks you like me? And that he doesn't want to get in the way of that?"

There's silence for a moment, that you jump to fill.

"But that's not true right? We're just friends, I don't know where he would've gotten that idea from."

"Right, I don't know either... sounds like you dodged a bullet with him."

"Yeah, probably so."

God, has he always looked like this? Damn Halsin, damn all those things he said, damn Gale for even playing into it. You remind yourself that Astarion's right, that this doesn't need to get any more complicated than it already is, that he has enough on his plate.

"Now, am I allowed to go back to my thesis now? Or do I need to have more mandatory break time?"

You playfully sigh.

"I guess you can do productive things or whatever."

"Well, in that case would you like to come read what I have?"

"I'll look at it, but you have the cool narrator voice, you have to read it to be like a professional author."

He rolls his eyes, and you go to sit next to him, looking at the thousands of words he's typed at this point. Astarion starts to read it out loud, editing tiny things as he goes, forever a little perfectionist. After a while, the voice becomes too soothing, and you fall asleep there next to him, letting your head hit his shoulder.

"Tav?"

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees you knocked out, clearly exhausted. He doesn't stop reading though, worried if he does that he'll somehow ruin the sleep he's let you stumble into. So he spends the rest of the night rereading out loud and talking to himself, occasionally asking you things that you don't answer. After many hours pass, and the wee hours of the morning arrive, along with the clock turning to say five AM, he puts his laptop aside, and asks you one final question.

"Why do you insist on pulling my heartstrings the way you do?"

And it falls on your sleeping ears, never truly getting through.

[karlachismylife]

Gorilla!reader you say ? 👁️ 👁️

Yeah! Sorry I'm actually excited to yap about it hahaha cuz it has been really forming quite in details in my head last days

It is obviously very self-indulgent (in case not everyone noticed, I refer to myself as gorilla and it's a lifelong thing), not fully self-insert, but uhhh. My ideal self insert? Maybe not that either. But deeply personal and with a lot of my issues/problems/feelings projected there, that's what I mean. I don't know how enjoyable it will be for people reading it, but it's just something I really wanna write, so I'll do it anyway. And post it cuz well I'm an attention whore.

So I have been going back and forth on whether make it shapeshifter or hybrid, and I ended up deciding on shapeshifter. First of all, "weregorilla" is prime for stupid puns fueled by gorilla talk, and second, it will kida help me avoid misrepresenting gorillas (because this reader will be very aggressive and gorillas ARE NOT) + adds actually a layer of depth in the sense that I can play off the contrast of animal/human form in this case. Don't know if I'll go full on "two souls in one body" route, but there are things I want to show through the duality.

It's gonna be a classic "new addition to tf141 is a shapeshifter" plot, cuz I'm a basic bitch like that, and yes, it's gonna be poly 141 x reader but also big emphasise on found family. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it doesn't feel right for me to write it without touching on racism, in the military and in general, and it's probably gonna be very on the nose and clumsy, but this whole thing is basically on the nose and not nuanced at all. It's very much stemming from all the pent up rage I have inside, and rage knows no nuance. Oh and gender stuff too, cuz yeah, well, self-insert part, and I don't know gender. Never met her. That one would be fun actually, cuz gorillas are pretty patriarchal and form harems, but like. Where does a genderqueer gorilla fit into this hierarchy? Since obviously 141 will be like this reader's troop (gorilla pack), that would be a fun disruption if I manage to do it like I see it.

But I am very anxious about touching the race issue, and while I very much know that it's not anyone's job to educate me, if there are any black readers of mine that would be kind enough to let me run those episodes by them to make sure they are not downright awful before I post them, I would be immensly grateful. Maybe if people tell me there is no way this does not come across wrong, I'll cut it from the story. But help would be appreciated. Yeah.

So in short, it's my childish tantrum I have been dying to throw for years now, but packaged into text with four big guys liking the tantrum for no other reason than I want all four of them to be my troop.

I saw recently a post mocking the "strong female characters who are badass because they don't wear makeup and their only emotion is anger" and welp. That's gonna be it. Honestly I don't even feel upset that it looks so shallow.

One time a friend made me a birthday gift in a form of one visit to a "wreck it room" where they give you some plates and cheap old furniture and some other trash, and also baseball bats, crowbar (my favourite), a mallet and some other things. Blast heavy metal and such things through speakers. And let you break EVERYTHING in that room. Only walls are off limits, and I ended up even accidentally breaking a brick out while I was trying to break a stubborn chair leg in half. I destroyed everything they gave me in that one hour limit, even the guy who worked there was impressed. That's still one of my happiest memories.

And if channelling it makes for a shallow walking stereotype of a character, well, I don't give a fuck this time.

honestly even relaying all this made me feel better, sorry I dumped it all on you, I realize this might be not yours or anyone's cup of tea, but it's really something for me first and foremost. i think allowing myself to write dumb shallow angry shit might fix me just a little bit.

[earlyeveningskylight]

a letter - long personal vent ahead

I wrote a letter. I wrote it about a year ago to the person I haven't spoken to in what feels like a lifetime and yet no time at all. I wrote it as a vent and to process all the complicated feelings I had been wrestling with. All the things that I wanted to say. The things I should've said but now will forever remain nothing but some letters in a digital note. Maybe I was a coward for not saying these things. Maybe I was afraid and ran away because that's what I do best. But I can no longer change the past, and I'm learning to make peace with the regrets that I carry with me.

And a part of me is still selfish, selfish enough to share it here at least, so it's thrown out into the void where it will drift to worlds beyond me. So here I am, rolling this letter to tie with a bow, sealing into a glass bottle, and throwing it into the midst of the sea. Maybe someone will find it, maybe it'll resonate with them, and maybe they'll send it back into the deep waters for someone else to find. Or maybe it'll get lost at sea. Either way, I didn't allow the pain within my heart to drown me. I showed her love and affection before gently letting her go to be at peace.

(for privacy reasons, any identifying information has been redacted)

"Hey [redacted],

It’s been a while. Several months I believe. I hope you’ve been well and taking care of yourself. I’m sure you’ve probably undergone a lot of life transitions, I recall the last time we’d spoken that you’d mentioned some plans being put into motion, so I hope that’s all gone smoothly for you.

A lot has happened for myself. I’ve started my second year of my grad program. Still just as hard but I’m enjoying what I do and feel confident that this is what I’m meant to be doing in my life. Anyways, you’re likely wondering why the hell I even messaged you. I want to be clear, I don’t expect anything from you - not a response or anything else. That’s not why I’m sending this. I’m sending this mostly for myself and for a form of closure of sorts. But I also feel, after I’ve had the time and space to process, that you at least deserve an explanation for my disappearance and complete distance (just a warning, this is a long message. If you don’t want to read this, then understand. You can do whatever you want with this).

I’ll start off by apologizing to you. I’m sorry that I didn’t say any of this beforehand, and I’m sorry that I never initiated a conversation instead of dropping off the map. I’m not going to make excuses for that, I was generally just too afraid and didn’t feel like there was any space to do that. However, I don’t regret what I did, and I can’t say that I would do differently if I had to. I did what I felt I needed to do in order to start putting my own mental and emotional well-being first, and that meant being selfish, and not saying anything to you. But I am sorry for how it might’ve affected you, as well as for any other consequences of my actions.

I’m going to be very frank from this point on because I don’t wanna keep beating around the bush or dancing around the issue. The reason why I’d initially pulled away was because I was upset. I thought I’d moved past the initial silence and abrupt distance that happened [redacted]. I know we’d had a conversation about that [redacted] when you’d initially reached back out. But it took a while for me to realize how hurt I’d been by that, especially after [redacted]. I’d come to realize (after a while) that I didn’t deserve that, and it’d messed with me more than I’d thought it would. I’d spend those initial months blaming myself thinking that I’d done something wrong, that I hadn’t been a good friend, that I should’ve listened more instead of talking so much, that maybe I’d become too dependent, or too attached, or that I’d finally done something to screw everything up. Those months in [redacted], fucked me up to be completely honest with you. I was anxious and already going through so many life changes all at once, so to not have that friendship so abruptly made things even harder. I essentially went through a whole grieving process, because losing a [redacted] isn’t a light thing for me (I have a history of losing significant friendships and I never had an easy adjustment with those either).

Again, I’m not saying all this with any expectations. It’s not my purpose to guilt trip you, nor do I expect you to do anything with this message. You can disregard all of this if/after you’ve read it. Hell, you don’t even have to read it if you don’t want to and you’ve completely moved on. I’m just explaining what I should’ve explained to you months ago, going on a year ago, and I should’ve been clear and explicit with how hurt I was at the time. And this didn’t magically go away like I thought it would after you’d reached out. I thought things could go back to the way it had been. But it hadn’t, we’d both obviously grown in that not-so-short time period. And therapy allowed me to realize that I could either learn to find peace with the change, or I’d have to accept it and let go. So I tried to make peace with it. But that didn’t last long, hence why I sent you that message saying I was taking a “break”.

Which I will say now, I do owe you another apology for lying to you. That wasn’t entirely truthful that I was going on a break [redacted]. It was because I needed a break and distance from our friendship, because it was doing me more harm than it was adding positive growth to my life. I was at a point where my mental and emotional health started to suffer because of the hurt, and it was interfering [redacted]... so I couldn’t afford distractions or anything that was interfering with that.

Time has obviously passed, and I never reached back out. A part of me wanted to, but I didn’t feel like I could. I was trying to heal and move on, and I now only had painful memories attached to our friendship that are still hard for me. So I completely cut things off and eventually [redacted]. I’d let go of any expectations at that time and have decided to continue focusing on where my life is heading and where I feel that God is leading me. Right now, that means focusing on [redacted].

I want to reiterate, I don’t expect you to do anything with this information. The last thing I want is for you to feel pressure to respond or reach back out or anything like that. I don’t need that at this point. I don’t really need anything to be honest. I’ve had a lot of time to heal, been finding a sense of peace in my life, and I’m continuing to work on my own issues and junk that I have. I obviously can’t tell you what to do with this information or how to process it. Do whatever you feel is best for you: throw this whole message away, ignore it, talk about it with someone, it doesn’t make a difference to me. I apologize if this message reaches you while you’re in a difficult season or having a rough time. I cannot stress enough: you do what you need to do for yourself. I will continue to do the same for myself as well.

[asksidon]

Okok so let’s say that his SO has had a bad day. It is either a bad day at work, issues with friends, or whatever it is for sure is causing them to be in such a bad mood that they snap at Sidon over every minor inconvenience. What would Sidon do to: 1. Get their SO to talk about what is making them anxious, and 2. To make them feel better and relieve some stress.

The plan was to go shield surfing on a big hill a ways out from the Domain. You know Sidon suggested it to get your mind off your stress, but you halfheartedly agreed to go.

Sidon is already carrying both of your shields, while you carry a small backpack with a few things in it - water, elixir, snacks, and a few books just in case you camp out for a while as you tend to do when Sidon is itching to get away. He tried to carry the bag, too, but you wouldn't let him. You swerve away when he moves to try and take it from you. "I've got it," you say more harshly than you meant to.

And so it goes on for the rest of the hike to your destination. After the third time (a branch that tripped you up, causing you to snap at him again when he asked if you were okay), you can tell he is trying hard to hold his tongue. You take a deep breath but say nothing. The closer you wish you could be to him, the farther away you feel. And you don't know how to fix it.

"Maybe it would have been better if we stayed back in the Domain," you say quietly. "I have a lot of things I need to do."

"Not much farther to go," he assures you. "But if you really want to head back, I suppose we can." You can tell by his voice that he is holding back from something. Frustration? Sadness? Probably both. You don't say anything.

"Come." He changes direction for a small plain where you can take the shade under a tree for a while. "I feel like a rest," he says, but you have a feeling he's doing this for your benefit. He would deny it if you challenged him, so all you can do is follow.

You throw your bag down and grudgingly sit on the grass. Sidon pretends not to notice and examines a patch of small purple flowers peeking out of the green. He plucks one and offers it to you. You feel your stubborn exterior crumbling as he begins digging through the bag for the snacks. "Snacks fix anything," he once said, but he is silent now. He seems to understand that maybe you don't want to be fixed. And somehow, that makes you feel better.

As you spin the stem of the small flower in your fingers, the guilt comes. Aside from an occasional sigh, he has not given much indication of his own feelings. But then, he rarely does, even with you. That bothers you sometimes. "I'm sorry," you say. "I know I'm not much company lately."

He pulls an apple from the bag but only looks at it. He sets everything aside as he looks at you. "I don't expect you to entertain me, Y/N. I am an adult . . . most of the time." He smiles. "I can keep myself busy and generally require no supervision. If you ever don't feel like doing something that I suggest, you only have to tell me."

His eyes sparkle as the humor returns to them. You want to joke about the lack of supervision, but you're not quite ready yet. You do find, however, that you feel ready to tell him what's been bothering you. You start from the beginning, tell him everything, and he goes quiet while he listens.

“I know I should have told you all of this earlier,” you finish. “I don’t know why I didn’t. I guess it’s hard to think about. But I’m thinking about it anyway.” You realize you’re rambling and stop, and he places his hand over your own.

“Do you want to go home?” he asks you, but you shake your head. Not because you worry about disappointing him, but after all, you’ve realized you’d rather spend the day with him than be cooped up on your own.

“I’m ready to surf. And I think you do need some supervision,” you tease. “Remember, you ran into that tree last time and stirred up a Bokoblin camp while you were at it.”

He chuckles at the memory, his cheeks coloring faintly. “I had hoped never to be reminded again. Not one of my finer moments.”

“It was adorable, once I was sure you were okay, and after we made quick work of our assailants.” You grin as you stand and pick up your backpack, tucking the tiny flower into one of the pockets. “Let’s go!”

[ask-the-crimson-king]

Update

Hello.

This is a completely out-of-character post that I've been meaning to make for a bit now. It deals a tad with me, the human behind the blog, so if you don't want to see the personal details, the most important part is thus;

Longer threads are going to have an indefinite time before I can get to them for the foreseeable future; this could be weeks, it could be months, I do not know. Shorter threads/banter will probably only get a few replies from me. This is true for both this blog and @the-archpriest-and-the-outcast.

If you want a further explanation, keep reading, otherwise you can continue with your day.

I'll also throw this under a readmore for the sake of "I don't know how long this will be".

Hello to all who are curious or confused.

To keep things brief, I am not doing well mentally. I haven't been for months if not years and there's no way for me to improve this. I do not have access to those resources, and unfortunately my case is not considered an emergency because I am not suicidal. Nor will I ever be, for reasons that I'm not going to detail because this isn't the appropriate place for it.

This means that being creative in any venture is difficult. It basically takes me guilting myself into becoming incredibly anxious to get replies out, or just praying that the other person has forgotten about the thread completely as I move on to new ones.

But recently, with how many new blogs are on the scene, and how much happens from day-to-day, where before I thought I had the space and breathing room to have gaps between long threads, now I am feeling a new kind of guilt, and a new kind of emotion, and I'm not happy with myself for it.

I won't go into it because I don't want to traumadump on what's supposed to be a fun 40k character blog, but that's kind of the state of things.

I'm in a state where being creative is not something I feel like I can do.

So to all of those who are or have been waiting for responses from me for weeks, if not months; I'm sorry. They'll come eventually, when the anxiety and guilt kicks up again. I don't know when 'eventually' will be.

Maybe I'll be able to write tomorrow. Maybe I won't. I don't know. I haven't for a very long time.

Anyway. Sorry for traumadumping on main. Your regularly scheduled occasional reblog and banter will probably follow this post.

[simlicious]

Saw a bunch of beautiful knitted patterns on Pinterest and got inspired to make a few new knit patterns. They are among my favorite patterns to make! Now some word vomit, I just feel like the need to ramble today...

I noticed that I really suffer from performance anxiety regarding making CC for Sims 3. It has been building up the whole year, and it is especially bad now that Simblreen is around the corner and the Christmas season is coming up too. On tumblr, people mostly post their accomplishments, not so much their failures, and it makes me think that everyone is so much more productive! I see people participating in Simblreen daily prompt challenges, or making/publishing CC for Simblreeen, and feel sad and inadequate in the face of so much success. I manage to make a couple of things that never really see the light of day, and I feel guilty about it and feel like I let people down😿 At the moment, I can really only make CC for the sake of making it (making patterns is a meditative process for me) and I cannot seem to complete the whole process of publication. I guess if you follow me you are not expecting anything you see appearing as a download soon anyway, but sometimes I really struggle with that. I am really sad about this, but I have always struggled with my perfectionism and intrusive negative thoughts that make the process harder. I sometimes think my patterns are not really needed. The lack of CC that is tailored to Sims 3 specifically (that recolors better than conversions) adds to the feeling that I am becoming obsolete, and my anxiety feeds this feeling. I guess I feel much less motivated to try if there are few things that you can use my CC with, and collabs seem to be much more popular for Sims 4, and I really want to make meshes to accompany my patterns, but I just get stuck in the middle and cannot continue, it sucks so much! The last time I attempted to make a super cozy sweater, I wanted to bake nice textures for it in Blender, but it just wouldn't work it out and I got so frustrated, and the automated bone assignments are subpar for highly customized meshes too. Then I wonder whether my meshes are any good in the first place (sculpting folds and such is really hard to get right!). Now most people seem to work with geoms instead of TSR workshop's WSO format, and I have a hard time understanding how everything works. I would love to assign bones in Blender and such, but I also want to use Blender 3.x and keep up to date instead of always using ancient versions for everything. Tutorials are often for older versions. My brain wants to do things a certain way and it's really frustrating sometimes! Learning from tutorials whilst having a different version of the software is making the process much more difficult. At one point, I had 4 different versions of Blender installed, but is so annoying to have different versions for so many things.

I am using a medically prescribed app now to hopefully help with my anxiety and it currently teaches me that anxious people tend to think negatively and catastrophize. This is definitely true for me, and it keeps me from actually trying out things because my brain tells me I could fail and why waste that time. Actually doing things while the brain throws you curveballs all the time is taking a lot of energy too. Maybe this is part of why I abandon my WIPs, because I cannot muster up the energy anymore to work on them. I often have great ideas and start on projects, and then lose the motivation or energy. I envy people who are able to finish their projects 😭

If you have any tips on how to keep going even with negative thoughts and obstacles in the way, I'm all ears.

[beanghostprincess]

What if,,, What if Sabosanuso,,, What then,,, What if Sanji has two hands, one for Usopp and another for Sabo,,, What if they held hands,,, What if,,,,,, What if Sabo and Usopp get a little too well in Dressrosa while Sanuso is established and both have the biggest crush on each other and then when Sabo meets Sanji he is like "well I GUESS I will just have to fuck both of them now to deal with this crisis"

Koala: You don't have to-

Sabo: I'm going to.

And Sanji also has the biggest crush on Sabo because who wouldn't. So here he comes the most chaotic but gentleman-looking man flirting with both of them and Sanji and Usopp are a whole anxious mess. They throw a party for reasons™ and Sabo approaches them and he is so not subtle it's insane. Unhinged but polite rev. And. And Usopp has to physically drag Sanji to the kitchen to talk in private and they are both going fucking insane with anxiety because "This is Luffy's brother we are talking about!" / "Yes but have you seen his hands!?" / "And his voice but that is not the point!" / "That is exactly the point!" / "Why are Luffy's brothers always so hot?!" / "It's the fucking fruit I swear to-"

They spend like. A long 20 minutes talking there while Sabo waits in front of the door like 👁️👁️ waiting for them to come back. And when they actually do it gets--- It gets very silly very haha very 'I don't want to talk about my thoughts I might faint writing this' type of situation.

Okay, but imagine that after the inevitable threesome that they have, they just keep meeting. Running into each other constantly. And Sanji and Usopp were supposedly in a monogamous relationship. And I say supposedly because it only takes a pretty blond former rich boy turned into a chaotic hot mess to make them change the only rule they had. So now they are like "okay, we can sleep with other people and that people is Sabo and Sabo only because look at him-". So they are not dating Sabo but they can sleep with him even if it's not the three of them.

While all of this happens, by the way, Sabo is having the most wonderful time of his life. Because he doesn't show it to them but he is also a babygirl and when he's alone with Koala he can't stop kicking his feet and screaming into his pillow and going "THEY ARE SO CUTE HOW AM I GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS IF EVERY TIME I GO SEE MY BROTHER I END UP DISTRACTED" / "You end up distracted anyway, who cares? As if you didn't enjoy it" / "I enjoy it very much yeah-"

AND- They catch feelings because of course they do. At some point there is the "Usopp, darling, you have a type" conversation, but he doesn't want to get too deep into, um, the subject (.... Kaya, Sanji, Sabo... Boy... I have some news for you).

I can't stop thinking about them,,,, Usopp being dramatic and telling his stories and Sabo following every detail with extreme care (he is. He is a writer. You guys. I. Can we just talk abt what that implies for Sabosopp???). Sanji cooking and Sabo desperately trying to help but failing miserably and ending up in a corner of the room with Usopp as a "punishment" but actually they're just cuddling watching Sanji cook. There is no "and they were both ***" here anymore because Sabo tops them both, no doubt. Maybe Usopp tops a single time but Sabo won't stop teasing and it's insufferable. And- And they are so cute. The most annoying boyfriends you will ever meet.

The most important thing here is to know that now Luffy is extremely jealous because he fears Sanji might end up cooking more for Sabo despite Sabo literally coming over to see them once a month or every three weeks and Luffy is always there. And he also does not want to lose his precious time talking about beetles or fishing with Usopp because of Sabo. But!!!!! They look really happy so he accepts it. And now Sabo is around more, so that is something nice too.

[magiczoeygoinginsane]

Aloe Vera

cw: dubious consent (rape), blood and drug use, dead dove, do not eat

this is not smut, this is an outlet to explore my own trauma

I kept asking myself why this place was so dark. It’s a party, are party’s supposed to be this dark? Maybe it makes it more mysterious,but i could still see random things around me, like furniture, people, the colorful, yet dim lights spread across the house, that wasn’t the only thing bothering me if i’m being honest

this music’s way too fucking loud 

yeah…that was bothering me too 

i could tell someone sat next to me on the couch to say that but i couldn’t quite tell who, I just saw her silhouette 

yeah…i’m so drunk….

that was the moment i realized the voice should’ve already clued me in, It was Jesse, from highschool “oh wow…remember highschool? God i hated highschool…I mean i still hate college but i can at least say things got better since i-” 

oh my God Alice…say something

i realized i was just monologuing in my head and panicked

oh- hi…sorry about that

you’re fine~

she giggled, and i was left to find something to talk about and keep the conversation going

uhhh…the people here…are kind of- 

i’m sorry, i know you don’t like parties

wha- 

i can tell you’re winging it, it’s alright

i felt terrible about it, i still wanted to be there, i didn’t want to disappoint Jesse, i shouldn’t disappoint Jesse 

no, i’m fine, this is a lot of fun

you’re…you’re sweating, Alice

oh shit! Wait, am I? 

yeah, you’re sweating, and you’re doing that thing with your hand you do when you’re anxious

I was really panicking by now, “she’s onto me, what if she has to leave because of me? Maybe I could just leave and she’d be fine on her own”

 hey! hey! it’s ok

she said, in the softest voice i could imagine coming out of her mouth 

this party sucks anyways, it’s cool 

she downed the cup she was holding in one go and threw it on the ground

i’m thinking of getting away from this party for a little bit too, do you wanna come with?

I hesitated a little but I agreed. She suddenly took me by the hand to led me across the house “wait,that’s a girl thing right? girls…do that…or like…things like that- i don’t know- oh my God i’m a girl! I love being a girl” she opened the door to a bedroom and gestured for me to walk in first

Oh! Thank you

Yeah, you’re welcome 

i walked in and looked around the room, the lights were off, i tried to turn them on but they were just as dim as any of the lights in that party.I noticed a few streaks of light, and realized there was a window being covered with some really cheap blinds, that left little gaps of light into the room. I was walking around the room while Alice closed the door,making the room even darker, that made me notice how dusty the air felt, it was extremely dry, irritating my nose a little, and that’s when i realized the room reeked of weed 

what the fuck?! 

she started uncontrollably laughing, every now and then stopping to catch a breath and start talking again

y’know- y’know when i said…haha….y’know when i said i was high?

we stared at each other in silence for a little bit

fuck! I mean drunk, I said I was drunk, not high! But I'm actually high!

the realization came over me and I bursted in laughter as well

did you get high in their bedroom?! 

fuck yeah i did! 

oh my God

our laughing became slower overtime and i sat down on the bed, looking down as i really took in what she just did

oh, that’s terrible…

I know…

she sat beside me and stared at me 

I need to get higher…

she grabbed an already rolled up joint from her pocket

What the fuck?! Don't! Also why did you just have that already rolled up?

I was saving it for you…Do you want it instead? 

No! We don't need any more smoke in this room 

she suddenly got up and lifted the blinds for a few seconds to throw the joint out the window, I would have said something but she already threw it so I figured there was no point.

She sat down by my side on the bed again and stared at me for a few seconds

We've known each other since…

First year of highschool I'm pretty sure-

Yeah we should've already had sex by now

My eyes suddenly bulged and I stopped looking at the floor to look back at her to make sure she was aware of what she just said

Yeah, you're cute enough we should've had sex by now…do you want to? 

Suddenly she wanted me to speak after dropping such a bomb of a sentence, I felt dazed, but also pressured to make a decision as quickly as possible

Sure!

Nice! Let's do it then 

Wait, don't we need to like, do something first? Like uhhhh…lubricant! Yeah we need lubricant…and I need to clean out or something

Yeah…ok I think I saw some aloe vera on the other side of the street, that works for lubricant, as for cleaning out…it's not really mandatory…? So I'll go get the plant and you can try to figure some way to clean out if you want 

she opened and closed the door as fast as she could so the smell of weed stayed inside, though she didn't really take any other precautions to make sure that it would.

I looked around the room, maybe if the room had a bathroom I could do something, but there wasn't, and I didn't want to leave the room because I was scared someone would see me leaving and start asking questions "yeah it's fine, I can just stay here, I don't need to clean out, she said it wasn't mandatory so it probably isn't- I mean she probably knows more about this than I do"

Suddenly she was back, she opened and closed the door as quickly as she had last time, but now, she had a piece of a plant in her hand, it looked like it was bleeding some green liquid from where she had ripped it

You know what aloe vera is right? 

Y-yeah

I sort of knew, I never heard of the plant but I assumed it was what she was holding, and that I would use that green liquid as a lubricant.

She gave me the plant and started taking off her clothes, without even a hint of teasing, way too quickly for me to process, so before I even took In the sight of her small beautiful breasts, her larger cock was already visible as well.

I quickly jumped off the bed to take off my own clothes and reciprocate her initiative, clumsily getting my neck stuck in my shirt and shaking in embarrassment to show my breasts and my penis which was clearly smaller.

She looked at me with a sort of thousand yard stare, I was scared of what she'd think of my body but I couldn't tell what she was thinking until she spoke again, but she didn't, instead she slowly walked towards me and pressed her dry lips against my mouth, giving me a taste of what she'd been smoking for the past hour.

She interrupted the kiss to push me onto the bed 

Now turn around

she said, suddenly sounding so much more sober and in control, I did as she said and she suddenly dropped her entire body on me, shaking the bed and making me shriek for a second from the sudden pain on my back.As she heard my shriek she suddenly stuck her fingers in my mouth

shhhh, nobody knows we’re here

her fingers tasted awful, they were the most bitter taste I had ever felt, I was disgusted. 

Suddenly I couldn't focus on how my mouth felt as the dry atmosphere that I felt before started being remedied by her spreading the green liquid on my entrance, it was equally disgusting, it felt cold and slimy, but she wouldn't stop spreading it, before spreading it on her own cock 

Oh! Wait…do you like fingers in your mouth? I just sort of assumed

she took the fingers out to give me room to speak

Uhhh…yeah…ok

i didn't know why I said that when I did, I realize now that, even though it didn't feel good, I wanted it to feel good so bad, I just had to keep going, maybe I'd enjoy it eventually, so she put those disgusting fingers in my mouth once again, the taste was repugnant and so was the dry texture, but i didn’t say a thing.

Then without any warning, she entered me, and all I felt was pain, but I couldn't yell, I could tell that even if her fingers weren't in my mouth i wouldn't have protested, this needed to feel good

I felt my eyes water as she explored my insides, sometimes coming close to pleasure but only leading to more pain, as she kept moving back and forth I could feel her fingers imitating the same movement inside my mouth, sometimes making me gag, causing my eyes to water even more, slightly irritated from the dry air in the room.

Suddenly she made me gag again “am I about to puke?” I asked myself as i felt this weird taste crawling up my throat, giving me another awful sensation to fixate on.

you’re so tight…

“This was supposed to feel good, I want it to feel good, she’s feeling good, maybe…am i doing something wrong?” I thought to myself before seeing a single red droplet fall on the bed. My nose was bleeding, I could taste the blood on her fingers, and instead of saying anything, I drank It, I let it drop on the bed, staining It just as much as it had stained my face.

For a few minutes this went on, and i felt lost in this sensory nightmare, i kept asking myself why i didn’t stop it, we weren’t even done and i regretted it, if i just told her i didn’t like it, it would be over, but it wasn’t my body anymore

I’m so close!

She yelled as she pumped it inside of me once more, I felt her liquid come out and mix itself with the lubricant, making me realize she didn’t even wear a condom. she pulled out and laid beside me on the bed, giggling to herself

oh my God, what a mess 

I stared at her, realizing the blood on my face had dried, leaving a sticky crystal layer in between my mouth and my nostrils

yeah, we should clean up 

She said in between her heavy breathing before getting up and slowly walking to the door.

i’ll go to the bathroom and get some tissues

She put her hands on the doorknob, before opening it she heard knocks on the door and jumped back

oh fuck!

Who's there?! Why'd you lock the door?! It’s my mom’s room man come on!

He kept banging on the door as Jesse quickly ran towards the window and opened it to climb the frame and jump off of it to the outside.

I kept staring at the door, trying to understand what had just happened, my childhood friend just climbed out of a window after all that she had done to me, and i had no choice but to follow her, so i dragged myself out of the bed, feeling the weird liquid stain my pants as i put them back on and climbed out of the window to meet with Jesse, who grabbed my hand again and guided me to her car so we could hide.

I sat in the passenger seat and looked up, still shaken. 

Oh my God! That was insane right?!

She said as she turned on her car and looked at me expecting a reaction

Like, in a cool way y’know? Oh my God!

She started driving away and i felt like i had to finally say something

It was my first time Jesse 

I immediately felt tears coming, i wasn’t crying, i felt the same as i was feeling before, but my throat was now closing in and my eyes were red 

Really?! You’re so lucky! First time with a childhood friend is some highschool musical kind of thing

Take me home…Please… 

Right, it’s on the way to my house, we should do this again sometime 

if you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, help is available

visit https://hotline.rainn.org/online or call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to get in contact with RAINN, the national sexual assault hotline

next chapter:

[callsign-rogueone]

It’s been way past 30 mins, but sending anyway just because I love you 💕

What’s your favorite thing about writing/what got you into writing?

-fw-gt

and this response is way past due lol oops

what got me into writing was my middle school friend introducing me to the strange new world of Dr. Who fanfiction. that was a very short-lived phase for me, since I wasn't really into the show, but the idea that I could write about other people's characters just... doing stuff was life changing. literally.

I've made so many friends through fic and fandom since then (love u all) and writing in already-developed worlds has really helped me with my composition skills! I'm very very slowly writing a fluffy but also deeply emotional romance novel on the side that we won't talk about (unless you ask, then I'll tell you everything. I'm actually in love with it, but it needs some spaghetti throwing and accuracy checks before it can go much further, hence why it's on the back burner lol)

my favorite thing about writing... I can't pick one, so here's two (you know how indecisive I am.)

I said this above but the community and the friends I've made!! the social aspect is definitely a big part of it for me. being able to talk about all this and play sandbox with y'all (see my last post lol) is so fun and has helped brighten each one of my days for the last six months (I started writing FW in January. that's wild to think about.) I'd been posting on this blog on and off with diff fandoms and random stuff for years, but nothing has stuck like fourth wing, and that's 1000% because of y'all. muah.

it's an outlet for me personally. this all started with Garrick and Angel, which I honestly didn't think would go anywhere. when I posted it, I told myself I would be happy if it got two likes, because I wrote it for myself -- Angel is me, just in a different universe. she's got chronic pain, anxiety, and a lot of the personality traits I have. and while I promise you I will never assign physical traits to the girls in my writing, since they're a reader insert, and I want all of us girls to be included and be able to "be" Angel, or Darling, etc., I'll admit that Angel is implied to be on the thicker side, since she's me, lmao. but I think it's still neutral enough, since gare is a giant, so he's bigger than any of us. love me a big boi. I want to feel small too, okay 🥺

anyway, the idea of having someone like Garrick be there for her through that all is helpful to me. it's a little escape from my current situation, a daydream of sorts, without pretending that I'm healthy or not in pain, but actually acknowledging that and making it part of the story, having Angel have a reason she's in pain all the time -- I say, as I'm laying here, answering asks because I can't sleep because of this mystery illness and the pain it's causing me right now lmao

similarly, and in a combo of both points: hearing from you guys that you feel seen in the girlfriends, or that my work cheers you up, that kind of stuff. seeing that y'all relate to the girls is heartbreaking sometimes, especially the ones that have been through the wringer (honestly, they've all been through the wringer, but you know what I mean -- the more anxious, insecure ones) but also it makes me feel like my thoughts are worth writing down and editing and posting, because people will see they're not alone, and can live that distant, "happy" scenario of a character they love helping them through things they're struggling with in real life.

-------------------------------------------------------

that's all I have for now, partially because my brain is fried, but also because if I keep talking about this I'll cry.

just know that I love and cherish each and every one of you, you're nor alone, and our boys love you all too. and the girls (I've been neglecting them lately. oops.) anyway, muah (goodnight kiss). go get some sleep, because I'm not going to anytime soon.