#anyway i'll never be normal about them
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something about the tragedy of things left unsaid, of unresolved anger and frustration, of the weight of their current world and responsibilities turning them against each other. something about how the ones you love the most are most capable of hurting you, and you're capable of hurting them in return. and there is so much love here. so much they'll never get to say, so much love left unexpressed.
#i feel ill#when i read that 'not personally as he promised' line it literally knocked the breath from me#bc earlier stellan thought elzar was mad at him! but elzar sent him forfive which meant that maybe elzar wasn't mad#but elzar WAS upset#even if it was mostly subconsciously#he was HURT that stellan wasn't there!!!#and i'm soooooo 😭😭😭#and i think stellan and avar actually have a lot in common with how steadfast they are#and how prideful they can be. and that pride (and the weight of leadership) blinding them to seeing eye to eye with each other#it hurts. it hurts real bad#and don't even get me STARTED on stellan being jealous of avar and elzar's closeness. their intimacy#anyway i'll never be normal about them#firebrands#stellan gios#avar kriss#elzar mann#the fallen star#the high republic#star wars#mik reads the high republic
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i just finished dark heir
#me foaming at the mouth during the last chapters: HE IS! FUCKING! SAVING YOU!#i am huddled around will kempen hissing like a mama cat none of these fuckers are allowed to look at him#dark rise#okay but like. cyrian at literally every moment in the book you see will anticipating things and making connections#that you never make. doing things like a leader & being fucking smart and strategic. and your dumb ass really thought.#hm. must mean i shouldnt listen to him about the magic staff that can literally stop the end of the world. must be evil.#me: [screams into the abyss]#i know i cant expect characters to react like readers and they DID all react like i knew they would but god it was so infuriating!!!!!#and heart breaking! god!!!! god!!!!! will reliving his mother's initial betrayal over and over and OVER again#and thinking about all the little moments we get where the novel tells us: if these 'evil' characters had just been accepted#instead of tossed aside maybe they wouldnt have fallen. if they had been protected instead of killed maybe they would have#become protectors instead of killers. maybe if will's mom hadn't tried to butcher him for the sin of his own birth#he wouldn't have been so scared to tell people he lied to them.#anyway im not normal about will kempen and if book 3 doesnt give me his friends fucking accepting him i'll kill someone#me looking directly at visander: i dont care how charming you are i'll murder your ass about it#i read this book in like 5 hrs im being very normal about it
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Drew Makoto in Howl's outfit :')
And his very happy Sophie :)
#persona 3#p3#akihiko sanada#persona 3 protagonist#makoto yuki#minato arisato#akimina#akikita#this was heavily inspired by Aki's quote in PQ at a castle enemy#“shadow's moving castle?”#I'LL NEVER GET OVER THAT QUOTE.#anyways omg im so normal about them
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...because any moment may be our last. everything is more beautiful because we're doomed.
#looking through my drafts and seeing this post unfinished and knowing in my core I'll probably never actually finish it .#but strangley enough i don't hate the way it looks with only those 2 panels ? beauty in simplicity or something idk#woe unfinished post be upon ye#honestly probably wouldnt even bother posting it were it not for the fact i was hit by a sudden wave of sadness#by being reminded out of the blue that alex really does just . lose nigel that night#enough deep level analysis my brain is all out i think . but just the simple fact that nigel dies that night#and alex has to go on for the rest of his life post-ending carrying that grief and loss with him#i know we talk about how nigel isn't truly 'gone' in the sense that they're one now and jack is supposed to be an amalgamation of the two#a product of their union and 'consummation' that night at the yard#but he's still gone . no matter how much alex might try and follow in nigel's footsteps#no matter how hard alex tries to tread that same path nigel did to feel close to him#he's gone . they will never have that moment beneath the house ever again . and alex has to go on living with that#anyway . normal again . imagine dropping a song rec like i used to. aha . go listen to sick like me by in this moment.#like minds#murderous intent#nigel colbie#alex forbes#nigel colbie x alex forbes#edit : THEY'LL NEVER HAVE THE MOMENT UNDER THE HOUSE AGAIN !!!!!#thinking about the moment where nigel sits across from alex after he shoots john#and the contrast to the scene in the crawlspace . nigel is trying to connect he is trying to get alex to see to understand#but now alex is closed off. something may be irreparable broken between them#do you think it was the moment where nigel starts to despair . to plead . realise that he needs to find a way to make alex truly see#i need to get some sleep
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it's almost time. when? idk, when i stop being a coward LOL
#would be kinda funny if i waited to post it on 4/20 like haha happy bday curt *lights blunt*#genuinely can't bring myself to hit post tho been staring at it all day#it's so much scarier than posting a oneshot i want to do this right and i want to do the way i see them in my head justice#posting my writing never gets less nervewracking for me#like oh hello strangers and friends i just poured my heart out onto a page and now i'm offering it up with shaking hands#and i'm trying very hard to be normal about it because it's not that deep but also i care very much SJDGJK#but i think i'll post it before tonight i just feel NAUSEOUS#still need to write an end note anyway#i'm fr just yapping to stall atp LMAO#dog coded bucky fic#johnslittlespoon yaps#i'm also like what if it doesn't live up to expectations. LIKE YEAH WHAT IF. the world goes on. but i will be so hard on myself bruh
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ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.
#it's usually when they randomly drop some line of fanon. like saying dean has never admitted to being wrong in his life#or never expressed an emotion or been vulnerable or doesn't Talk About Feelings or is super duper RepressedTM#like i'm sorry. have you watched the show. oh and have you taken off the sammy POV goggles first?#bc this guy is always crying and being vulnerable and talking about his feelings. he is self-aware.#he may not always want to talk to sam abt things! but he sure does talk about things with other people#do i need to reblog the compilation posts AGAIN?#(also re: his sexualiy? AWARE. sorry i saw him flirt and be flustered by so many men. he knows how he feels.)#and then 'first time ever admitting to being wrong' this one came from a post abt dean's prayer in the trap#like i'm sorry but first of all. dean apologizes more than any other character on the show. there are hard numbers on this.#people have tracked this on spreadsheets. i think ilarual is one of them.#and often he is apologizing for things that aren't even his fault! but he still feels responsible for bc he's been made to feel that way#his whole life!!#other characters *cough samandcas *cough* apologizing Less doesn't mean they've Done less things wrong#it just means they're not owning up to it and brushing it under the rug. something both do frequently.#anyways. aside from apologies. dean also has no problem admitting he's wrong y'know when he's actually wrong#which is less often than you'd think bc he has pretty good instincts and intuition and often suspects things which turn out to be Right#but anyways. another thing abt the trap prayer is. i don't think cas Needed to be forgiven#i think dean was justified in feeling angry w cas over the circumstances leading to the Death of His Mother! totally normal grief response!#i think cas also understands dean to be someone who needs time to process and deal with his feelings (he says as much to jack)#however. despite me not think dean Needs to forgive cas. the thing is. with dean when it comes to cas the forgiveness is implicit#when he says /of course i forgive you/ and in the cut like /of course i wanted you to stay/ like. yes he was mad and dealing with grief#but also. yes cas was already forgiven even back then. he just needed Time to work through the feelings#anyways i think dean says he 'forgives' cas bc it's what CAS needed to hear to stop feeling guilty and dean gives him that closure#but i also think cas was already forgiven even in dean's anger. he wants him there always. i'd rather have you. we can fix this. etc etc#a lot of tags for a non-rebloggable post ajksdfs maybe i'll make these into a real post sometime#vic.txt#dean and feelings#so i can find this all again later
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okay I redid the last astarion picture I shared a wip of because it was a) too graphic for its intended purpose b) didn't fit with the more dynamic posing of the other pieces
here is a peak at the new astarion pic & a look at the wyll & lae'zel wips
#bg3#myart#wip#*spends hours on a drawing and then scraps it because it doesn't meet insane personal standards* i'm mentally normal I promise#I'm also sexually normal about blood and horror. I promise :)#anyway. I plan to finish all three of these and make gootoob timelapse videos for each of them.#I don't want to lie to anyone and say I'll draw any other companions in this style. I'm sorry. I likely won't.#at most I'll finish the sketch I did of corydalis because I like it.#but I would rather finish these and focus on the fancy pieces I'm making for each companion I've romanced & their respective tav.#in addition to wyll & astarion- that collection will include gale & one of the ladies. not sure which one yet. still deciding!#ideally it'd be one illustration for each companion & their partner but every day is a battle with the chronic illness so I can never-#-definitively say what I'll have energy for because I can never know.
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🏳️🌈 Hc on the Inspector or Dredger?
Ya sure; why not both
Send me 🏳️🌈 and a character for my lgbtq+ headcanon and a doodle
#Re: Inbox#jewelstine#Inspector#Dredger#Pride asks#STILL DOING THESE just Extremely sporadically#Also I've gotten several characters I know nothing about. Very cool guys! I've never seen them in my life though.#I'll be honest I don't have a hc for Dredger but only realized that after I finished drawing him#So normally I would make it transparent but that looked off when Inspector had a flag behind her#So questioning it is. It would Not care in the Slightest but by merit of being a robot wouldn't fit into standards anyway. Who give a shit#(it/she for Inspector and it/he for Dredger is how it works in my brain btw. Going off of the other language translations for Inscryp)
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I hate being loveless. Send post.
#despite the scrambling to accept loveless folks that ended up fucking over romance and love favorable people#I still feel broken. I feel like I'm misleading my partners because the truth is that I don't love them like they love me#and they know this. we're open and I haven't misled them at all but I feel like a fraud still.#I want to be included in things or at least thought about even though I don't give people a second thought#but when I voice this: 'you didn't care about them anyway. they tried to reach out before'#I still value connections. after years of being pushed away by peers I still try to make connections with people#and when they inevitably feel stronger about me than I do them#or see things differently than I do#I feel... inadequate. like my attempts at being a person are futile#It's part of why I don't see myself as a person at all anymore. Because I can't FEEL like a 'normal' person.#it fucking sucks. and no amount of 'oh you're no less a person than someone who feels love uwu' can fix that#I can't even love my family. do you know how much that sucks to not be able to love your own mother?#years ago when I was 7 I had a nightmare where my mom said 'you don't love me anyway' while I was trying to convince her#not to jump into the water in front of us. that phrase has appeared in arguments years later#imagine the horror I feel trying to come to terms with the fact that that's a true statement.#I do care about and appreciate people but it'll never be enough#I'LL never be enough#it hurts.#and the performative bullshit on this platform doesn't help#loveless#aplatonic#afamilial
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recent things
#With the heatwave combined with being ill for like an entire week it seems I've lost like 16 days this month#where I basically did barely anything... grrr.... The passage of time... My Enemy...#Now that I can finally hold down food and stuff I'm feeling a little better mostly and my sickness has probably passed. But I still#feel weird a little bit like.. some lingering weakness or something. I think I'm just already having so many Problems at all times even in#my 'Normal' state that whenever I get sick or something my whole system is thrown off for a while lol#I'm supposed to be writing like 2000 words a day still ghbjhb... I've had multiple days of maybe 1000 - 1500. And a lot of days#where I write maybe 20 - 300. I've still been chipping away at the same single quest dialogue for all 20 something#days this month so.. AUGH.. Though that also counts the 16 days I did nearly nothing but be sick and overheated#I finally edited that whole big sims video I wanted to post!!! but now there's an issue with it ... T o T#My fault for still almost exclusively using windows movie maker in 2024 lol.. but HHHHhh.. It's like every once in a while randomly#a fully edited video will not be able to be exported. so evil for this to happen to my first sims build tour in a while. but alas..#ANYWAY... I have been slowly working on little things here and there.. in my little scraps of time.. Wishing to be fully productive at#some point. Maybe I can finally finish and post some things soon. like costume photos or sims videos and etc.#BUT HEY.. that solitaire thing is crazy to me.. I don't think I've ever finished a challenge in under 20 seconds#before. huzzah.. tripeaks squad.. OH.. and an image of#curly tail boye.............. he..... I took him to the vet for a check up and he seems surprisingly okay for a 16 year old. except he has#a mild thyroid issue or something so I'll have to give him medicine. But every time he goes in I'm always expecting them to be like#Sorry. Your Son Is Truly Doomed. or etc. so I'm always shocked when he's fine... a strange boy with many strange behaviors#so I can never tell if he's just Being Weird or if he's sick or soemthing ghjbjh#Also the bad thing about never ending summer heat is that when it IS finally cool for a few days. I don't want to do ANYTHING. It's like wh#n it's hot I feel too sick to do anything. And then when it's cooler I'm like 'OUU the first cool day in WEEKS.. i want to just relax and#fully ENJOY the coolness..'' So it's always constant warfare with my body like.. NO ..we cannot SLEEP. We must utilize this small patch#of Non Heatwave to finally be productive and finish things while we don't feel sick. But then it's like ''ohoho...to lay in the cold air of#the morning restfully.. i shall have a little nap with a blanket on for once.. perhaps.. tee hee'' Always at war with the Tired Sleepy#it seems. AAAANyway...... grr............ slowly finishing things. still usually missing my target writing goals..#Hopefully will have some actual art or costumes or something to post soon. Fumbling through the summer weather as usual lol
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#gonna start d20 soon and i'll be live blogging that but i just got home and was hit with such a wave of grief about today.#thinking about my young brother and his young wife and knowing who they likely voted for. who her dad and my other brothers voted for.#knowing that this pregnancy she just had was high risk and if she gets pregnant again in the next few years and has an emergency#if she will be able to get treatment that saves her life or her her husband and father and brother-in-law that live with her#and maybe she herself signed her death warrant#thinking about my other sister-in-law who works as a surgical tec and does emergency deliveries#and wondering what side of the line she falls on. what side my brother falls on.#thinking about growing up in church and being a person filled with empathy and compassion for others#and watching people i respected and people i grew up with side with some of the most hateful ideals#out of what is ultimately fucking selfishness and wanting to scream and rail at them but knowing it makes no difference#because they just do not fucking care#thinking about the upcoming holidays and the casual homophobia thrown about as jokes#by white men who have never had to face down even the most basic of oppressions#knowing that any attempt to speak out means getting ganged up on by at least 5 people who just loooove being the calm whip smart debaters#because they don't have a dog in the fight and love 'winning' while i get so easily flustered and lose my train of thought#thinking about the fact my mom would rather allow a narcissist and t*ump supporter to live in our home#(that i pay the majority of the bills for) rather than put her foot down about him getting his own place#because i am and always have had to be the 'good' child who didn't make a fuss so the boys could be kept happy#otherwise nothing could ever get done and she cares more about making sure HE is doing okay and not struggling#than if i feel safe and comfortable in my own fucking home#ANYWAY#gonna eat and get in comfy clothes and watch something that reminds me there are normal people out there in the world
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not to be all cosmic horror about the powers in the grishaverse but I literally want alina to devour suns
#myramblings#alina starkov#shadow and bone#grishaverse#sab#you guys have no idea what goes on in my head about these characters#cosmic horror alina and eldritch horror darkling live rent free in my mind at all times#lb give me your characters and let me write them i'll create an existential narrative so mindblowing your readers will never be the same#anyways#i am so normal about alina i promise#i am so normal about her...#so normal
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It's amazing how quickly you can make someone turn on your company by making a stupid and insulting move
Force me to go through the front door and scan my card when I have backdoor business that never needed a card before (what? ...I was going to somehow... sneak in and... purchase things with a borrowed card? ...which I totally can't do from the front door after scanning it?)
Or like... twitterify your layout right after your users give you a bunch of money just cause they like you, and then refuse to walk it back
...or all the other things companies do that just kinda piss people off and then they refuse to acknowledge maybe it sucks and is stupid cause "hey, the customers didn't leave"... yeah... yet
#legit; as small as it is it gives me a hint at the direction things will head and that costco will get more and more anti consumer#and I'm in minutes going from an 'I love costco; it's how I afford to eat; go get a cheap pizza'#to 'you know costco is kinda frustrating and annoying and I don't trust their ceo... I'm not sure if it's worth your time and money'#like look back and; tumblr search willing; you'll find posts of me singing costco's praises; literal free advertising#cause while it's not right for everyone; man is it so much cheaper than places like walmart#but... I legit don't know if I can recommend it anymore#for one thing; when I signed up I just spotted the members desk; walked in the backdoor up to the desk; and gave them money#now... what? you gotta ask permission? I feel like there's a chilling effect on wanting to join... at least for my socially anxious ass#and again; I just whiff this as like when games companies add DRM that breaks the game... for people who actually pay for it#they're making me suffer a pain in the ass for no reason cause someone might not be giving them money#and now that person never will give them money... and frankly... if they don't pay the membership but spend $500 how much did you lose?#but like I said; I feel it in the air; that costco will start doing more and more anti consumer stuff#...do I think it's a good idea to join up when they're gonna slowly start turning this corner?#I mentioned that quote by the founder about killing them if they raise the price of the hotdog#but... the fact the founder felt the need to say that to begin with told me something#kinda gotten the impression that the ceo is greedy as hell and wants to drain the consumer (so... a normal ceo)#and this just smacks of netflix/disney#oh... did you hear about disney killing someone with a food allergy despite being told about it multiple times like when the dish arrived?#and now disney is trying to forced arbitrate cause they had a disney+ trial in 2019#you hear about that one? cause that's a real news story; I'll find you an article if you don't believe it#anyway; this smacks of cracking down on password sharing to make up for hypothetical lost revenue#and let me tell you... if I could switch to pirating my groceries I would; I would download eggs#so this doesn't change costco fundamentally; but it does make it feel more hostile and like it doesn't trust me#it makes things feel more adversarial instead of like a partnership where they get me good prices on good things and I give money#and I just wouldn't be surprised if they start doing more things I don't like#things that make things worse... things like raising prices to increase their profit#...makes me want to... work on figuring out how to make everything myself since no company is trustworthy#they'll all turn on you in the end; the moment the wrong person takes charge they'll start to metastasis#towards the cancer of infinite profits#not saying don't go to costco... I'm saying don't get attached if you do; I think they're ready to do what every company does these days
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Okay I'm not saying that this semester's students suck ass bc I'm not there to teach them, but isn't it just such a coincidence that the vast majority are failing so miserably and they don't have someone who will tutor them outside of class and go over notes and skills with them, while the previous semesters did have that and the majority passed? Super interesting stuff. Too bad we'll never know if things could've been different if they had just fucking paid me :)
#can you tell I'm peeved lmao#i went to one of the classes today just so i can keep it on my resume#and holy fuck#weeks into the semester and they should have the basics down#they do not#absolutely floundering#granted I'm sure I'm not actually the reason lmao#like yeah i helped a shit ton of students outside class too#but they probably could've passed without me#these new ones tho are awful#no drive no nothing just looking for others to blame for their own failures#i didn't even stay the whole time like i was planning#bc i found out that they hired four other fucking people for the program#who all have less experience than me#and have been with the program for a way shorter time than i have#who don't do half the extra shit i do#and don't get me wrong this isn't a slight at them they're all fully qualified#but why the fuck not hire me#like i genuinely am so pissed#have to email my supervisor but I'm too upset to make it sound civil#like fucking fine if you don't wanna pay me you never get to see me again#I'm not working ten hour days plus extra outside of class for nothing anymore that's insane#I'll keeping being a private tutor for the students but I'm not doing a single thing for the program without pay#i mean holy shit hiring at least four other people and not saying shit to me??#like fine that's fine fuck you you're getting an email ultimatum good luck finding someone else willing to do all that for free#i cried about it for like an hour and now I'm just mad lmao having a super normal one rn#anyway#not snz
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just thinking about how safety has become so synonymous with Joel for Ellie that I can't help but wonder if she'll ever truly feel safe again
#I cannot handle the emotions this show gives me#i will never be normal about them#i will be talking to my therapist about joel's death for years#the last of us#tlou#spoilers#honestly has anyone made it this long on this website without finding out?#i'll keep tagging it anyway#tlou spoilers#tlou2 spoilers
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Some of those doctors make hating oat milk their entire personality. I hate them. Cannot pretend to find them funny or like i give a shit. Fucking pretentious assholes
#also my colleague (the girl i had my shift with) is the exact opposite of me in all aspects. asked me if I'd ever worked in customer service#because i couldn't care less about being fake friendly to assholes and don't care if they like the service or not#like bitch those people don't have any other choice but drink our fucking coffee it's not like I'm competing with anyone#or like they pay us in any way. i get paid for doing the dumb work i have to do not for stroking some dumb ass doctors' egos#they come out of their rooms once an hour to get coffee and we have the cups on the table and i wouldn't even Think of#HANDING them the cups and smiling sweetly at them and asking 'coffee? tea?? :))'#I'll just assume these grown adults will get their stupid coffee or tea when they want some. it's not like they don't know where it is#(and i AM friendly and smile when someone is coming in our direction but why the fuck do you need to get so disgustingly friendly with them#if someone held up a cup asking if i.want some coffee I'd leave immediately even if i came just for coffee. it's creepy)#anyway. she's nice. I'm not.#there's normal people who will get their coffee and maybe ask if the milk in the little jug is cow milk to which I'll happily reply 'yes#:)'. then there's the other people who see the oat milk and make it clear they are the most insufferable people on the planet#(and i pity their patients so much. not much to choose from i guess but if i had that as a doctor I'd happily just die)#like everyone who took oatmilk could do it without making a fuss about the cow milk on the table. the cow milk lovers could never#'the oat milk is in front of the actual milk. this is unacceptable. i hate such healthy bullshit' lol okay#'OAT milk?? I'll leave this to the horses! THANK GOD you have actual milk!'#my favorite was the one who really took personal offense with its sheer presence. as if it had killed half of his patients lmao#'we had 50 patients with xyz problem. ALL of them drink oat milk. they cannot see the connection. it's really unhealthy'#at this point i just said i didn't care and stopped paying attention and he started complaining to his doctor colleague about how#oat milk is advertised to be healthy and how it's actually the opposite and i just find that very funny compared to the first comment#from that one guy who doesn't like such healthy bullshit. you guys need to find a consensus on the oatmilk issue i think. no one takes you#seriously if you contradict yourself like this. also i couldn't care less about the healthiness of the milk alternative of my choice. bitch.#next week I'll end up killing someone. i hope they all die from their cow milk. (but not the ones who took cow milk and didn't say anything#about the oat milk. they can continue living as they didn't annoy me)#void screams#some of these doctors were actually quite nice (most of them even). one even brought an applicant to us telling her to get some coffee#(which we are not allowed to give to applicants. but i don't care. I'd rather they get something than some of the asshole jury members#who hate oat milk (which is not the issue. the issue is them making it everybody else's issue that they don't like oat milk))
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