#anyway i would do anything for him. driving 8 hours to see him again in a couple weeks :))))))) RAAHHHH | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

coichii · 5 months ago

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SNOWMAN ✭

—(🎧)—> you visit your best friend in Incheon again after 4 years, leaving with a burning feeling of loneliness and guilt. It doesn’t help that you’ve been in love with him since you were little, and the those feelings haven’t melted away at all.

pairing - childhoodbsf!han x fem!reader

genre - friends to ??, more angsty than fluff BY FAR

word count - 2.2k

warnings - accidental le sserafim reference (iykyk), starts with like no dialogue whoops, cursing, probably too much angst.

series note : hello !! welcome to part five of my winter series, “winter records of love” where there will be 8 individual short stories for each member :) these stories are based off of songs I deem “winter” feeling ! this story is based off of “snowman” by Sia. enjoy <3

1570 days.

It has been 1570 days since you last stepped foot in Incheon, the city you had grown up in and spent all of your childhood.

It wasn’t easy to leave; saying goodbye to the one and only place you could call home. The smells of fresh bread sold by local vendors were instead replaced by the muck of New York City, having to go there for your abroad program.

However, it wasn’t the local taste that you would end up missing the most. No, instead it was him.

You can’t even remember when you became Han’s friend, probably some time in early pre-k. You two were inseparable, doing anything and everything together. From the sandbox to the 9-5.

He was so happy for you when you mentioned you had got accepted into your dream college, but his heart dropped and tears fell when you said it was in the states.

He was excited for you of course. You’re his best friend, how could he not be? But he’s not going to lie about the queasy feeling he got in his stomach when he thought of never seeing you again.

He couldn’t help the tears that sprung in his eyes when he thought about the possibility of you forgetting him. Couldn’t help migraine when thinking about you falling in love with someone but him. But he couldn’t stop you.

All he could do was drive you to the airport that one, rainy and cloudy day you left him, giving you one last tight hug before you left him. He felt like him letting you out of his grasp that day was the biggest mistake he had ever made.

You guys never stopped talking, of course. It was hard to talk with the time differences, but you always made time for each other. To be honest, you were up at 3am doing homework anyway, so what’s the harm in letting an energetic quokka ramble to you at 5pm.

Seeing Jisung grow in his career, as an idol, as a person, and not being able to be there are at you in a way you had never experienced. You couldn’t help the tears that sprung in your eyes when you thought about the possibility of him forgetting you. Couldn’t help migraine when thinking about him falling in love with someone but you.

You knew something he didn’t though. He was working away dance practice with the boys, thinking you were sleeping away the early hours of the morning. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

You were currently piling off a plane heading from JFK to Incheon, a long, grueling 15hr flight. It would all be worth it though, getting to see the love of you li— best friend after so long could heal everything in you.

You actually organized some of this with one of your other friends before you moved, Chris. He helped arrange you a place to stay after you landed, which after this flight and dark, winter sky, you couldn’t be more grateful for.

—

new message from : chan 🐺

chan 🐺 : did you land yet?

you : just did, I’m heading to baggage claim !!

chan 🐺 : okay, that’s good

chan 🐺 : I have everything prepared for you when you get to the hotel

chan 🐺 : just tell them I booked it

you : thank you so much, chris 🥲

chan 🐺 : no problem, y/n ☺️

—

You go through baggage claim, heart racing in the crowds of people. It wasn’t the anxiety of crowded places in this case. No, it was the excitement of seeing him for the first time in years.

The taxi ride is long and tiring, your eyes fluttering closed spontaneously as the driver brought you to the hotel.

You didn’t forget to tip them generous tip as you made it to the hotel chan had booked for you. It’s nice, obviously popular and rather big.

It’s no trouble booking in, making it to your room and plopping down on the bed almost immediately, not bothering to change your clothes.

In your dreams, you find yourself with him. The feeling of floating on a cloud as you hold him in your warm grasp is euphoric, making you miss the days where he would hold you in the same comforting embrace.

It’s only a couple of hours before you can see him again.

◂—♥︎—▸

It’s now 7pm the next day. You’ve spent the day preparing yourself to see him again, waiting impatiently in the lobby.

It’s around the time he would be getting out of dance rehearsals, the building emptying out rather quickly. You even saw one of your old friends there too, Yuna, an idol you had met a little before moving when visiting with Han. The nostalgia hits hard, vision quickly turning blurry as you get word from Chris that he’s heading down now.

There, you see him.

He turns the corner, beautiful silky hair floating on his face like a halo. His eyes are like boba as he makes his way down the lobby’s hallways.

He turns his head, scanning the various faces on the sides, stopping and staring at a particular section.

There, he sees you.

“Uh. Hey, hannie.” You stammer, suddenly shy at his dropped jaw and shocked eyes. “It’s been a whi-“

You can finish your sentence as your suddenly tackled on the bench, Han stuffing his head deep into the crook of your neck. People are staring and whispering, but you couldn’t care less. All you care about is seeing him again.

“H-holy fuck. Y-yn, is it r-really you?” He whimpers, and you can feel his tears wetting your shoulders as he holds you.

He holds you as if you could slip through his fingers at any time, like you’re a delicate snowflake that can just melt away in a flash.

“Yes, yes, Hanji. It’s me.” You chuckle, but hot tears are filling your eyes as you do so. You stroke his soft hair as he starts to calm down, melting into your warm touch.

“W-why didn’t you tell me you were coming.” You coo as he continues to cry, him finally looking up at your face as if he has to convince himself that you’re really there, that you’re really you.

“I wanted it to be a surprise.” You giggle as Han wipes a stray tear from your cheek, leaning in to his touch as he pouts.

“Did anyone else know?” He asks, eye contact not ceasing.

“Only channie. He helped me plan this.” And Han groans at plants his face back into your neck.

“I’m going to kick his ass for not letting me know.” He mutters, voice blurred by your warm skin. You giggle, moving on of your hands from his head to his back.

“I thought I’d never see you again.” He mumbles, and you can feel your heart shattering into tiny, fragile shards.

“Oh, Hannie. But I’m here now aren’t I.” He whimpers in response, burying his face deeper into your chest.

The lobby is empty now, only stragglers walking through the hallways of the building. You can hear the sounds of the coffee machine whirring, its sounds blending in with the ambiance of the vacant room.

His breathing evens out and you sigh.

Wow, you really missed him.

◂—♥︎—▸

“What do you mean you’re only staying for the month?” Han asks, eyes sparkling

You were seated together in his studio. He had just shown you around the new JYPE building, it had been forever since you’ve been there.

You had to tell him; the guilt was burning at you. He looked so excited, so happy. You wanted to keep that same feeling, but you knew you had to go home— go back to the states within a month.

What were you thinking. That place wasn’t home, here is. Here in Korea with him was always home.

“I’m sorry hannie, but I have to.” You feel pathetic that that’s all you can say, all you can offer him. You can’t conceal the tears that fall down your own face, their pace quickening as a strangled whimper leaves his throat.

“I thought you were going to stay for longer.” He sounds so defeated, like a squeak toy that’s been used too much. It pains you. You wish you could stay for longer—no. You wish you could stay forever.

You can’t look in his eyes, choosing to look out the window at the frozen crystals that dance across the sky, the wind blowing them in all directions. You feel as helpless as them; just being blown in the wind of emotions and feelings.

“I wish I could stay forever, Han. But I can’t, I’m so so sorry.” You sob, breathe quickening and becoming uneven.

“Please don’t cry, y/n. I’m sorry. I’m just happy you can be here for the time you are.” He pulls you into his grasp, running comforting fingers over your skin.

You know he’s sorry for making you cry, but you feel the guilt again.

The guilt of leaving him by himself for more years to come.

“Wanna go out? Make the best of it while we can?” He asks, your head peering up at his, causing his own heart to break. The parallel makes you chuckle dryly; just the other day you were doing this to him as he cried about missing you, now you’re crying about missing him.

“Yeah. Just give me a second to calm down.” And he smiles, pushing your hair out of your starry eyes.

“Of course, I wasn’t going to let you go out like this anyways.” You can tell he’s trying to lighten the mood, so you let him.

“Oh? So I don’t look good right now?” You snicker, pushing off him playfully. He shakes his head no, stifling in a laugh.

“Ok then. Guess you’re not taking me anywhere.” You threaten playfully, and his boba eyes expand.

“No, no I’m playing. You look beautiful always y/n.” Your cheeks flush up and the sudden compliment.

It’s been a while since you’ve been that close, so hearing him compliment you like that erupted butterflies in your stomach.

“Thank you hanji.” You blush, hiding your face in your hands. “I’m ready.”

“Cmon then. Let’s go.”

◂—♥︎—▸

“So, this is really it, huh?”

You’ve spent practically every day with him this month, whether that be waiting back stage for him to finish performances or going out to go eat lunch, yukgaejang warming your belly from the harsh, winter weather.

Soft touches littered throughout your conversations, intense eye contact that you hadn’t experienced in forever. The chemistry was unmatched.

But there you stood, wind blowing and raising goose bumps on your skin as you stared emptily at the airport. It’s the same one in Incheon that you had arrived in, but it’s not the same feelings.

Instead of the feeling of excitement and happiness, all you could feel was sadness and regret.

You weren’t sure where the regret was coming from. You could never regret visiting him, even though it was for a small time.

Maybe it’s the feeling of knowing he’ll be alone again, after all, this is the same airport he dropped you off at those four years ago.

The memory haunts you like a poltergeist, the look of tears that were on his face stuck in your mind permanently.

And look where you are now, standing infront of the same terminal, looking at the same sight again on his face.

“I guess so.” He chuckles, but there’s no humor behind it.

The sound of the speakers distracts you. It’s a lady on it, sounding hapy as she announces that the plane is now boarding. You don’t know how she can sound so happy, after all, you’re not sure you will be feeling that way for the next couple of weeks.

“I’m sorry, Hanji. I wish I could stay longer.” You choke up, moving to hug him, hurrying your face into his chest as tears wet his shirt.

“Shhh, it’s okay y/n. We’ll never be apart, yeah?” He comforts, running his hands on your hair.

“Yah, y/n. You’re supposed to be the one comforting me, not the other way around.” He jokes, tilting your head up towards him to flash you a silly smile.

“We’ll always be together. Even if you’re in New york, or Chicago, or wherever the fuck you could be.” He wipes away a tear from your cheek as one falls down his.

“I’ll always l-love you. And we’ll always be us.” He’s kissing you then, and all the sounds of crowds melt away as he does so.

You wrap your arm around his neck, allowing him to pull you in deeper. It all feels so… so right. Tears melting together sweetly, as you lose yourselves in eachother.

It’s a long while before you pull away, distracted by the sound of the final boarding call announcement being made.

“I love you too, hannie.” You turn around, pushing your small tote bag further up your shoulder from where it had slipped. “I guess this is goodbye then.”

“No. See you later.” He grabs your hand one last time, bringing it up to his lips to leave one, lingering kiss. Pulling away was the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do before.

“See you later, Hanji.”

#stray kids #skz x reader #skz #straykids x reader #stray kids x reader #stray kids fluff #skz fluff #han jisung angst #han jisung oneshot #han jisung x reader #han jisung fluff #winter: records of love

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melanieph321 · 11 months ago

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Kenan Yilidiz x Reader - Thick Part 4/8

+ 18

This chapter!!!

Kenan is so boyfriend and he doesn't even know it, ugh!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Kenan and Reader share the same high school friend group. As graduation is near, Reader sets out to pass her drivers license test but ultimately struggles to. Thankfully Readers friends agree to help her with driving lessons and take turns doing so. It is during one of Rader's lessons that it becomes clear that Kenan likes her. A chock to Reader, who has a crush on someone else in their friend group.

Enjoy!

Luca's car smelled of denim and menthol. His father's vintage Cadillac ran smooth against the bumpy road. Although it was relatively easy to drive, you made the occasional jerk of the steering just to have Luca reach for the wheel, his hand momentarily caressing yours.

"You're doing good Y/N."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you just gotta get used to the rhythm of traffic."

"The rhythm of traffic." You nodded. It made sense. You were more relaxed driving at night, perhaps because there were less cars and people on the roads, meaning less chances of getting distracted or killing an innocent pedestrian. However, so far you've only driven at night once, and that was with Kenan, which does make Luca's assumption a valid theory. You have to get used to the rhythm of traffic at any hour.

"How about a break?" Luca suggested. "I have to pick some records up at the shop in town. You down?"

"Y...you want me....to come with you to the record store?"

"Sure. I mean you're the one driving anyway."

"Right. Of course." You squealed internally.

The record store was a neat little shop near the outskirts of town. It's where the cool people like Luca came to hang out. People that listened to retro music and detested the music industry as it was today.

"Hey, Luca. Come va?" (Luca, what's up?")

You felt honored walking into the music shop alongside someone like Luca. Everybody seemed to know him. Eager to greet him. Knowing how many friends Luca had outside of your little group made you wonder why he even bothered to hang out with you? You feared that once graduation happened that would change. Then again, you had the roadtrip to Bari to look forward to.

"Hey, Luca, what can I do for you?" Said the young lady tending the shop's counter. She wore ripped jeans and a tank top that matched her fiery afro. And just about every part of her face was pierced, lips, nose, ears and eyebrows.

"Armeni." Was her name. Luca said it with such grace and admiration that you couldn't help but to get jealous from their interaction.

"Do you have the new Gambino?"

"Childish Gambino?" You perked up. "

"Yeah, why?" Luca chuckled.

"I like Childish Gambino." You said, proud of the fact that you and Luca had something in common.

"I'm looking to buy the vinyl of his new record."

"Vinyl?" You frowned. "Isn't his new album out on Spotify. Why go through the hassle of buying vinyl? Do you even own a disc player?"

The silence from Luca and the girl was gut wrenching. They looked at you as if you just shouted insults, worse than anything Rihanna has said on her records.

"Vinyls are cool." The girl said, popping her gum. "Anyway...."Her eyes diverged from you to Luca. "Who is she?"

"Oh, Y/N?" Luca blushed. "She's just a friend."

The way he stammered and lost his usually cool composure lit a flame within you that wouldn't stop burning. You left the records store with Luca having gotten what he came there for. Perhaps he just wanted to see her, in the same way that you just wanted to spend time with Luca. There was no doubt about it, Luca was in love with the girl from the record store.

"Are you sure that you don't want me to drop you off at Gio's? Everyone is gonna be there."

"Thanks Luca, but my parents are probably waiting for me at home."

"Oh, okay."

Luca dropped you off at your house. You greeted Ilsa, the family chef, on your way past the kitchen and upstairs. She was getting started on dinner early, perhaps because it would only be you dining, your parents out of town again. She called you down once everything was set up and wished you a lovely evening before leaving for the day.

It was sad. You felt like crying. Luca didn't see you as more than a friend, meanwhile he was fantasizing about Armeni, the record shop bitch. And no, vinyls aren't cool. They're actually outdated and very cliche. Just like her...and Luca.

Your dinner was interrupted mid bite, as the bell to the front door rang. You were too lazy to check the security camera, opting the chances that it wouldn't be a burglar.

"Kenan?"

It was actually worse.

"Hi babe."

He stepped into your house, uninvited and with the audacity to lean in and kiss you on the mouth. "What's for dinner?" He said and proceeded to remove his shoes.

"Erm, I'm having pasta."

"Cool, did you leave some for me?"

"Erm, no? Why would I do that?"

He frowned. "Didn't you get my texts?"

"Texts, what text?" You checked your phone as you followed Kenan into the kitchen. There he made himself a plate while you went through your phone, having received numerous text messages from Kenan, the last one just from a few minutes ago.

Kenan: How's driving with Luca going? 😁

Kenan: Where is he taking you?

Kenan: Are you guys coming to Gio's or...?🤔

Kenan: Y/N, where are you, are you okay?

Kenan: Rebecca brought pizza. It's vegan though.🤮

Kenan: That's it, I'm coming to you.

You looked up from your phone. Kenan was stuffing pasta into his mouth. You looked down on your phone again, heart fluttering at his messages.

"Do you have anything to drink?" Kenan asked and you smiled. "Coke or Fanta?"

He snorted. "Coke, what else?"

You went over to the fridge. "I don't like Coca-Cola." You handed him the can.

"Well, then you don't have taste."

"I have taste." You joined Kenan by the table where your plate was already set. "I just prefer Fanta, that's all."

Kenan chuckled. "I guess you have taste."

"Thank you."

"In men, I mean."

"I doubt it." You laughed, the memories of today's visit to the record shop still burning within you.

Kenan stared at you blankly.

"What?"

"Your laughed just then, why did it change?"

Fuck. He heard it too. "No it didn't."

"It did."

"No it didn't, Kenan."

He shrugged, returning to nibble on his pasta.

"Where are your parents?" He asked, after a moment spent in silence.

"Work."

"Do they work often?"

"I guess you can say that."

"I know the feeling. "

"What feeling?" You snorted, Kenan's parents weren't diplomats. They didn't even live with..."

"Loneliness."

You closed your mouth.

"It gets pretty lonely sometimes, doesn't it?"

You shrugged. "I'm used to it."

"Yeah me too."

"I'm glad I have you though."

"Me?" Kenan's eyes lit up.

"Not you alone." You coughed. "I mean you as in you guys, my friends."

"Oh, right. I guess that's true."

It was nice, not having to eat your dinner alone. Kenan was actually quite the company entertainment wise. One thing led to another and after playing Marco Polo in your pool, the two of you ended up upstairs, in your bedroom.

"Is this okay, baby?" Kenan spoke against your neck, his lips caressing your skin as his hips pushed against you.

"Yes." You moaned.

"Does it feel good, what I'm doing?" His hips kept at it, pressing your pelvis further into the mattress as he dicked you down, your pussy clenching around his length.

"Yes, Kenan. I want you, harder."

"Harder?" He raised his head, sweat dripping down his forehead, his hair still wet from the pool.

"Yes, harder." You said and pulled him down to kiss you, your fingers running through his hair.

"Trust me baby, you don't want me to fuck you harder."

"No?"

"No." He smiled and licked your lips as he kissed you again.

"What, you don't think I can take it?"

"It doesn't matter if you can or can't take it." He huffed. "I rather fuck you like this, slow and soft." Kenan's hands went to your hips, pinning them to the mattress as he went down on you. He kissed your inner thigh, slow and soft, and as he got closer to your slit, causing your legs to tremble as he did, you wondered if Luca was as good of a kisser as Kenan? Probably not.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

#fanfiction #football imagine #footballer x reader #footballer imagine #football angst #kenan yildiz x reader #kenan yildiz #juventus fc

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saveahorserideaneddie · 9 months ago

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Buddie in S8 and Slow Burns:

so those of you who follow me or see my posts popping up in the buddie tags know that i am still apprehensive of believing that we will actually get buddie canon in s8. tim has done too much to destroy my trust in him as a writer, and the show has baited us with buddie far too many times for me to easily take anything as a “clear/obvious sign that buddie is happening” when it is just as likely that we are being clowned yet again

that being said, IF we get buddie canon, it needs to happen fairly quickly. I have seen a lot of people saying things like “I don’t want buddie to go canon until the s8 finale” which, i disagree with.

I know a lot of people are saying this because they want a mutual pining era, but i don’t think these people are grasping the fact that if they waited until the finale, that is 18 episodes of tv to fill with something of substance for buddie. Another eighteen episodes; almost eighteen hours of tv. Even with a mutual pining era, that is far too long for them to continue dragging this story out.

Yes, i know that if they are going for a slow burn, that that takes time, but good lord it’s been 6 seasons of actively building up to a relationship… they’ve had six years of stalling, they need to go ahead and fucking commit to it, not take 18 more agonizing episodes of them dragging their feet. If you commit to them having acknowledged feelings for each other, they don’t need more than one or two episodes of mutual pining before it would start getting old.

realistically, we could have a fully fleshed out queer arc for eddie AND mutual pining leading to buddie canon within 8a. 8 or 9 episodes is MORE than enough time to build up to that with what they have to work with— they’ve reached the point for conceivably going canon so many times that it feels like there isn’t any build anymore; it feels like they’ve parked the bus a half mile from the station, and have started doing a thorough inspection on all the parts after driving almost the whole distance.

i know we love drama and angst and slow burns— that’s the appeal of buddie as a ship; but this slowburn has been way beyond fully cooked since s4, and there is no need to keep cooking it (unless they’re just baiting us, which in that case we need to decide when enough is enough and call it a day on this show)

this is not a fanfic that has no expiration date. this show isn’t going to last forever. i ship buddie because i want to actually see them navigating a relationship— i don’t ship them to be edged for 7 years just for them to go canon for one singular episode. i want to see them bask in each other’s love, i want to see them living together with the happiness they’ve been chasing their whole lives, i want to see them encounter speedbumps, and go through hardships together. That is why i ship characters. The chase is fun for a while, but I actually want to see what happens once the chase is over, and them going canon in the last episode is not narratively satisfying to me, and at this point feels like a copout for the writers.

We don’t know how long past s8 this show will last. we don’t even know if we’re getting a s9, let alone more. it’s already unheard of for tv shows to reach this longevity post-2016, we can’t just go into each season assuming that we still have all the time in the world for them to give us buddie. the reality is we don’t have all the time in the world, and this is the make-or-break season.

we don’t need 18 more episodes of stagnant growth. if they’re going to give us buddie, they need to stop dragging it out and just give it to us if they actually intend to, not cop-out and give us a last minute kiss in the season/possible series finale.

anyway, getting off my soapbox for now, but i just wanted to get those thoughts off my chest.

#911 abc #911 #911 on abc #eddie diaz #evan buckley #buddie #buddie 911 #buck and eddie #911 buddie #edimh #edimh rambles #eddie diaz is my husband

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jungwnies · 7 months ago

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when love lasts ♡ 8 〰・what if?・〰

table of contents | next

previously...

"Soobin." You whisper, sadness thick in your tone.

"Have you been crying?" He asks, genuinely worried.

You begin to sob lightly, "We broke up."

—

"What?" Soobin says, in disbelief.

"Soobin, I don't know, I don't know what to do." You tell him, sobbing lightly.

You hear Soobin sigh, "I'm going there, right now."

"What?" You ask, confused.

Soobin doesn't answer your question as you hear keys jingle in the background, "It's only an hour train ride, I'm sure I can catch the last one before they stop, I'll be there Y/n, just wait for me."

Before you could hear anything Soobin hung up. You didn't want to leave your room, you couldn't face anyone.

Your mom was right, he wasn't for you. You weren't the kind of person to listen to others opinions, but this one got to you. It made you rethink your relationship.

Even though you enjoyed every moment you spent with Jaemin, it wouldn't have gone anywhere.

—

You walk downstairs to see Jaemin hauling his last luggage out the door, there was a driver outside for him.

Your eyes are puffy, and you grab Jaemin's hand before he steps into the van.

"I'm really sorry." You tell him.

Jaemin looks at you, his eyes bloodshot, "No Y/n, I'm sorry, I should've been a better boyfriend, I should've been there for you."

You shake your head, "I wish it didn't have to end like this."

Jaemin smiles at you, sadness masked behind it. "You'll always be my first love." He tells you before getting into the van telling the driver to drive away.

You were sad, but it didn't hurt that much.

You walk inside to be greeted by your sister, "Where'd Jaemin go?" She asked tiredly.

You smile at your sister sadly, "We broke up Hye."

Your sister looks at you shocked, "Well, are you okay?"

You sniffle, "Yeah of course, this was for the best anyways."

"Just because it was for the best doesn't mean you're fine Unnie."

You sit down on the couch, "Eomma made me realize something Hye."

Your sister looks at you confused, "Like what? That you're in love with Soobin? Oh please." He says, laughing.

You look at your sister with a straight face.

"What?" She asks, calming down from her laugh. "Wait, you're in love with Soobin?"

You shake your head, "No." Your phone dings and looks at it, "I'll be right back, go to bed dude." Your sister laughs before going upstairs.

You put your phone into your pocket and walk outside to be greeted by the comforting presence.

Soobin pulls you into a hug, his hand brushes through your hair and he lets out a sigh, "Are you okay Y/n."

You look at Soobin and smile, "No."

Soobin tightens his hug, "If I knew this would happen, I would've never left, even if the company got mad at me, I wouldn't leave you here alone and sad."

"Soobin, I'm not sad over the breakup." You tell him.

Soobin looks at you confused, "Okay, I'm confused then, what are you upset about?"

You sit down on the steps in front of your house and Soobin takes a seat beside you, "Remember when we were kids?" You begin.

— flashback

"Y/n wait!" You hear the taller boy shout as you run quickly to the claw machine.

You insert your coins and the boy catches up, "Since when did you start running fast?" He asks, out of breath.

You shrug as you continue to try to grab the same plushie over and over again.

Soobin fixes his jacket, "Ahem, let me show you how it's done." He says jokingly, yet pure cockiness in his tone.

You roll your eyes and move over.

Soobin tries to win the plushie, and well he ultimately fails.

"Okay okay okay, hold on, let's go to that machine, it has the same plushie." He tells as he begins to walk to the one in the corner.

You laugh, "Soobin, it's the same claw machine, just in a different spot."

Soobin rolls up his sleeves, "Trust me, I have good luck over here."

You roll your eyes again laughing, "Sure."

After a few tries, Soobin finally wins your plushie. HE was a little more excited than you were, but he gave you the plushie.

You give Soobin a big smile, "Don't let this get to your head, you won after like 700 different tries."

Soobin laughs as the two of you walk out the arcade back onto the boardwalk, "Y/n, can I tell you something?"

You nod, "Of course."

"I really like you." He tells you.

You look at Soobin confused, "You're joking, right?"

Soobin stops in his tracks, "No."

You laugh, "Funny prank Soobin, we're going to get in trouble if we don't leave soon."

Soobin laughs, "I thought I'd get you this time." He catches up to you and walks at your pace.

You shake your head, "As if you'd like someone like me Soobin, I'm not your type."

Soobin looks at you as you continue to walk, "Sure you are."

You shake your head, "You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"No seriously Y/n, you're better than you think you are." Soobin says, reaching for your arm.

You stop walking, "What do you mean by that Soobin?"

Soobin leans in for a kiss, he pulls away quickly and apologizes, "I, I don't know what came over me."

You stood there shocked, your first kiss stolen by your best friend.

You continue to walk away, quietly, "Let's just pretend that didn't happen." You mumble, coherent enough he understood.

— present time

"Soobin, that day replays in my mind over and over again." You admit, staring at the pavement.

Soobin avoids eye contact, looking at the same ground, "What would've happened if you didn't walk away Y/n?"

2024 © jungwnies | my bad for the late update once again, you can read the completed story HERE

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aetherbladedstick · 5 months ago

Note

Either 20 or 93 with 20/93 because kriedbanajad forever

HEHEHEEEE THIS WAS AMAZINNNGGG ok so i went with 20 - Press Conference (from Chess the Musical Original Concept Album (but must be the original (black album cover) if you intend to listen - the version from the "Chess in concert" is way less fun bc the tempo is vastly slower.)) [also for the record 93 was I See Fire but a cover] and i think i love this. there is an amazing line in this song that is SO igor and would go great in a DRAMATIC igor contract fic imo but as it is the vibes worked very well (imo) for kreidbanejad. i hope you like it! under the cut etc etc

There's something outrageous about having to do press conferences. They're kind of awful at all times, but they're particularly awful now - in the middle of losing and rumors and all kinds of shitty fucking things that people want to dig into Mika about. The press wants a story. Mika wants to live in relative fucking peace.

Rangers management is only happy to facilitate one of those, and it's not Mika's goddamn peace.

He's kind of sick of it all - the hounding questions, the incessant reports that they're going to take Chris from him, the nonstop queries about his slump. He wants to go home, though if pressed - hah. - he probably wouldn't be able to define what 'home' means.

He wants to live in a world where he skates with Chris every night, and nobody asks him if he thinks he's past his prime, or if he thinks he's being paid more than he's worth. He wants to go home - home being not fucking here, right now.

The media has always been full of assholes, but this particular year seems worse than all the rest. Maybe it's because his tolerance has gone down - after all, he got used to a world where even Rangers beat wasn't allowed in the locker room - but maybe it's because the world seems to be staring down his throat, scrutinizing his every move. He feels, sometimes, like he's in a fucking shark tank, even when he's not reading the news.

So it's peaceful when he gets to sit next to Chris, at least, for this ridiculous interrogation. He avoids calling on the men he knows don't like him - and who, for the record, he barely likes in return. He mostly avoids commenting on trades, and mostly avoids commenting on loss, and tries not to scream, "You weren't even this fucking critical of Quinner," mostly because he knows it's inappropriate.

They're going to twist anything he says anyway, so when he retreats to a room where only Sam and the Rangers are allowed, it feels like peace. He talks to Sam about how he tried baking cinnamon buns to bring in, but they didn't make it past Chris, and Sam laughs, and Sam leaves, because Sam, at least, has some decency.

Chris leaves early - lucky fucker, though Mika knows he's not - and Mika stays late, biking and lifting and trying not to scream. He lets the pounding 5/8 rhythm in his head keep him going, and he tries not to yell his frustrations to the world, and when he finally emerges from his music-fueled lifting session, he drives home.

Home smells like meatballs and pasta and apple pie, because Chris Kreider loves him too much. (Kreids would say there's no such thing. Mika would say that Kreids is probably the most attentive boyfriend on the planet, and he'd go viral on TikTok for half of the bullshit he does for Mika. Krieds would say it's not bullshit. They've had this discussion.)

Also, Kreids has apparently blocked all the news websites from their internet in the last 4 hours, and laughs at Mika when he discovers it. Mika is reminded of how Chris can justify throwing a five hundred dollar iPad to protect his peace, and feels that perhaps, this is only just slightly left of being utterly absurd behavior.

Chris Kreider, sometimes, is so fucking lucky Mika loves him. (Kreids would say he is always so fucking lucky that Mika Zibanejad chose him, out of everyone in the world, but then again, Kreids is a giant sap, so. There's that.)

#kreidbanejad #kreibanejad #hrpf #n writes #ask #ask answered

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youremyheaven · 1 year ago

Note

Hello, Purva bhadrapada, Leo stellium native here, I also wanted to add that I think purva bhadrapada, since it is Brahmin caste is probably more prone to this, then punarvasu and finally vishaka, who in my experience is the most materially/self interested Jupiter nakshatra, which is why we see it in so many celebrities compared to the other two, especially purva bhadrapada.

I've always been at the role of teacher/smart one since I was a little girl, I've always been a bit parentified and I think that comes out a lot in my relationships with nodals, since I'm the one who has to keep things in control, now that we are on the topic, I'm gonna trauma dump about my Magha sun, mula moon friend 😭

I don't want to bad mouth her since I do still have affection for her, but this woman put me through so much. One time she face timed me whilst she was drinking, she got so drunk and then started driving! She face timed me whilst she was drunk driving talking about how sad she was, all whilst I could hear all the dangerous turns she was making, so I called her mom to come get her, I couldn't do it myself cause I live too far away. The next day she wouldn't stop complaining about how pissed she was that I called her mom on her, talking about how she got in trouble, but what was I supposed to do? WATCH HER DIE ON CAMERA?! She made me the villain and not our other friend who she also face timed, who is also nodal.

Another time, she was dating this dude and SHE ALWAYS DID WHATEVER HE SAID FOR NO REASON, one time we were all hanging out as friends, a whole ass group of people, and this girl started sucking this mans dick in front of us 💀😭 like they were not slick in the slightest, I caught sight of it and then I tried to politely tell them to stop before the others noticed, she did not stop and others caught them, to which they all collectively said "Wtf? Stop please" AND THEN SHE COMPLAINED TO ME ABOUT THIS? HOW DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOUR SIDE? 💀

Another time, I was really busy with some work but she texted me about how suicidal she was feeling and how she wanted to attempt, I stayed with her the whole night trying to talk her out of it until she just stopped talking to me all together, I panicked and spent hours debating whether to call someone, since I don't know if she really attempted something, but I didn't want her to be mad at me again. It was one of the most anxious nights of my life. Eventually, she called me and said she was fine 💀 I SPENT ALL THAT TIME WORRIED AND SHE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING! that was my breaking point and I just cut contact with her after that

The worst part of all of this is that she never took any interest in my emotions or any of the problems I had, in all the years of friendship we had I only opened up to her twice and I regretted it immensely both times. She never took any time to take care of me, and would always accuse me of telling her what to do after giving her advice THAT SHE ASKED FOR!

Anyway 💀 yeah it was traumatizing

💀💀💀💀 I'm glad you've cut her out

My Swati Sun, Magha Rising ex was somewhat like this. He texted me saying he's having a panic attack and does not know what to do (at like midnight) and then after I text & call him mad worried, he does not respond. He texts me back the next day afternoon saying that "it was just a spur of the moment thing, I'm alright" like wtf??? He always kept me on edge with his mental health stuff and I was always made to feel like I'm on suicide watch only for him to turn around and be like "oh I'm over it now bc I've drunk away the last thought I had in my head"

He once video called me at 8 in the fucking morning because he wanted company while he smoked

Let me just say that there was a clear imbalance in our relationship bc I had to watch out for him while he did batshit stuff and I could never do the things he did and expect him to have played the supportive role 😒

There was another Magha Moon girl I used to know who completely did unhinged shit, she jumped from man to man every week (not slut shaming, just pointing out poor choices) in India, the arranged marriage system prevails and she received a proposal from some 5'2 30 yr old (when we were like 21) who was loaded 💸and her family rejected the proposal and she was already dating some deadbeat loser. Guess what she did after she broke up with the deadbeat loser many months later?? She started talking to the 30yr old guy who came to her house with a marriage proposal 😭and literally 2-3 weeks later he publicly announced his desire to marry her at the wedding of a mutual relative and she said "I'm not interested in marrying you" PUBLICLY, it was super shameful for the families and all parties involved bc like ??? what on earth was she thinking??? he made his intentions clear from the get go??? did she think she could hook up and rebound with the guy who contacted her family with a goddamn marriage proposal??? and she played the victim when in reality throughout their 3 week tryst she led him on and on and on, why didn't she say she would never ever marry someone like him?? so embarrassing lol

There was a Magha Moon guy who I had mutual friends with and he's a complete deadbeat loser. He hasn't finished his degree (he was my senior at uni) he's broke as hell and all he does is go on road trips and drink till he drops and he had the audacity to ask my friends if I'd be interested in seeing him and I was like 🤢🤮ew no and he literally repeated this process every month no joke. He's asked me out more times than I can count, he's made our friends ask me on his behalf a billion times and I'm like ??? how oblivious or lacking in self awareness do you have to be?? He always told them that he thought I was "hiding" my interest in him ��🤢🤭so idk I feel like Nodals can be supremely delulu

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doctors-journal · 9 months ago

Text

8 August

Mum and dad convinced me to set up an appointment with a counsellor and today was the day. It was all the way in London, since I guess that’s where I’ve been living. I told them I could take the train, but mum and dad insisted on driving me and making a day of it, like we did when I was a kid.

Even though dad was taking the day off for family time, he and mum were up early anyway—they both get up much earlier than the detective. It’s been over a week, but they were still surprised to see that I was up first.

“You’ve become an early riser,” mum said as she joined me for breakfast.

I shrugged. “Doctors have to be up at all hours.”

Dad gave me a look. “So long as you’re getting enough sleep.”

At least I don’t think I’ve been shouting so much the past few nights.

The appointment was fine. I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know. The counsellor told me to try not to be so hard on myself. She’s right, it’s not helping anyone, but it’s not like it would help anyone if I stopped worrying about it either.

Thankfully, mum and dad didn’t say too much afterward. Today was one of those nice, unseasonably cool, rainy days that London gets. Mum and dad didn’t want to walk in the rain, so we wandered through a gallery. I spent some time looking at the featured exhibit—a striking parade of human figures made out of printed textiles. Otherwise we just meandered through the halls, alternately admiring and puzzling at the art.

We went to a cafe for lunch and then spent a little while in a park afterward since the sky had cleared. It was a really nice day. The trees provided plenty of shade, their lush leaves still dripping with rain. There were some late summer flowers in bloom and squirrels chasing each other around the trees, and little robins flitting across the path.

Dad talked about work a bit, and mum conveyed some well-wishes from the neighbours. Most of my old school friends have moved on, but that’s old news. I mostly listened. In the lulls in the conversation I found myself wondering about how the detective is doing, but I’m sure he’s busy occupying himself with his Moriarty. Perhaps he has even found some other poor chap to drag along on his cases.

I also discovered something while we were out and I’ve just flipped back through my journal and confirmed it.

While we were walking in the park, the detective came up in conversation somehow, and mum asked, “What’s his name again? I know it’s over between you, but I feel like all I ever knew was that he’s a detective.”

“That’s about all I knew too,” I replied, “that he wants to be Sherlock Holmes and will accept no substitutes.”

“You wanted to be Doctor Who,” dad pointed out.

“Yes, when I was a boy. I grew out of it.”

“But you still want to save the world,” mum said.

“Not the world, just…” I couldn’t find the right words to argue.

I don’t even know what saving the world means. It’s definitely not solving crimes or even working in the hospital, and I’m not even doing that anymore.

What I said about the detective wasn’t entirely true either. I did know him, at least I thought I did. Underneath the cool, aloof facade, there was an infectious, nervous energy, a teasing sense of humour, and unshakable determination. God, I can’t believe I actually miss him.

And the whole time we were together, I don’t think I once thought of him by his name, or even wrote it in my journal. That’s what my mum’s question made me realise, and I just confirmed it. He called me “Doctor” and I just thought of him as “the detective.” For that matter, I’ve hardly used anyone else’s name either.

I guess I got so used to trying to keep my professional distance. Of course, I had to know my patients’ names to keep track of their records, but I tried not to get to know them too well, and I don’t remember most of them now. I couldn’t get too attached because they might be dead by morning. They all deserve better than that.

Well, for the record, the detective’s name—my ex’s name—is not Sherlock Holmes, though I’m sure he wishes it was. His name is Justin. I hope he’s not doing anything too stupid chasing after that Moriarty of his.

Now I want a cigarette, but I shouldn't.

Mum’s working on dinner now. I just wanted some space to compose my thoughts in between all the family time. But dinner smells good. Maybe I’ll go see if I can help.

#journaling

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liberty-mutual-138 · 1 year ago

Note

Hey Pooks! ♥️ Here for the funny ask game for any of your OCs!

🚗 - “who are they on a road trip?”

🧃- “do they drink apple juice? (That’s not a metaphor for anything i just mean normal Apple juice)”

🫵 - “IF you met them IRL what would you do? what do they say to you?”

🏛️- “they’ve suddenly become President of the moon. What do they do?”

Heyo pookie bear! It’s nice to see you again!!!!

(🚗) Oz is the driver. Hands down, no doubts about it. He would double check to make sure everyone has gone to the bathroom, and he will NOT stop the car until they get to a rest stop. He doesn’t wanna hear about how tired or hungry or how much you need to piss, he will not stop the car once he gets to the highway.

If you have snacks, you best believe Oz’s gonna do that hand-bowl thing at you. Chances are he did pay for it, AND he’s paying for gas, and he’s driving the car… yeah, give him a handful or two. Or three. Or four. Or all of it. Would also ask for a sip of your drink, then precede to drink half of it.

Abbey is the substitute driver and overpacks for the road-trip. It’s like she expects that the car will crash, someone to get shot, a bridge to collapse, and the police to start chasing them. She shoves so much shit into the car for an 8-hour trip that they can barely fit any people in it. Abbey would definitely the most responsible person in the car, and would make sure the driver rests when necessary.

You would never get bored in a car ride with Abbey. She’s got everything. If you complained, she’d hand you a kaleidoscope. If you were hungry, she’d give you a bag of chips. Abbey will play rock paper scissors with you. She wants everyone to have a good trip, and somebody being in a mood’s gonna fuck that up.

Annika starts genuinely tweaking after about an hour on the road. After the realization hits that she’s gonna have to stay still for 8 hours, the moment she starts acting up. Annika would torture everyone in the car for no reason other than boredom. The driver would kick her out or put her in the trunk.

You better hope you aren’t sitting next to her or she’s gonna put a wad of chewing gum in your hair. Better yet, get her a book or to distract her for about 15 minutes as you pray to whatever God/s you believe in that she falls asleep.

(🧃)

Oz: “I’m not fucking five years old.”

Abbey: “I love apple juice.”

Annika: “Am I allowed ferment it?”

“No? Well fuck you too then.” (yes)

(🫵)

Okay, if I saw a motherfucker that looked like him and was named Oswald walking down the pavement, I’d deadass cross the street. I don’t care how many cars are coming, I’d do anything to get as far away from him as possible. Even if we didn’t know each other, I’d still walk away from him. Oz is too unsettling.

“So ya like to play God, huh? Fuck around with mine, and everyone else’s lives? I can’t believe I let sum goddamned teenager drive my life like this. Well, guess it’s time for me to cut your story short. Was gonna have a boring ending anyway.” 😳 (I’m so dead) (the shit I put him through) (I think he had it worse than the other two)

I’d get along pretty well with Abbey. She’s nice, and tries to give everyone a chance. Even if I’m the reason for every bad thing in her life. I’d go on awhile, thinking that she doesn’t know who I am, until she’d grab me by the shoulders and stare into my eyes.

“You treat us as if we’re not real. As if we’re just figments of your imagination. Yet here I am now, skin, blood, and bones. I’m still here, you have not, and will not change. Our suffering is entertainment for you, and you call yourself a good person? You say you love us? If this is your love, then I’m happy I don’t know you well enough to see your hate.” (she grew up in a cult, so knows how to make people existential .) (she wouldn’t hurt me, but she will keep me up at night.) (She doesn’t like hurting people, but she doesn’t like being a doormat) (She’s usually such a sweetheart why-)

Same thing with Oz, I’d cross the street if I saw Annika. I could tell there was something off about her from that look in her eyes. That barely noticeable tremor and the thousand yard stare. Annika is a erratic, unstable, and unpredictable individual, I’d probably call 911 on her ass.

“You should have given me a redeeming quality. Something that I’ll see in your eyes that will make me not want to kill you, or some other peachy bullshit like that. You’re a writer, you should have consider these things! Dumbass!”

(🏛️) (💀)

Oz would immediately invest in anti aircraft weaponry as he knows the United States would be after his ass in about 2 days.

Abbey would probably end up selling the moon for money.

Annika would burrow underneath the surface of the moon as she believes somebody is going to try and assassinate her.

Thank you again for the ask!

#thanks for the ask!#oc #call of duty oc #annika voronova #bell oc #bell cod #call of duty cold war #call of duty #cod #oz clancy #abbey foster #liberty’s cod campaign #yipppeeee

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phosphoresccent · 6 months ago

Text

a second sick fic in as many days? yes - xeph & honeydew fic

“Xeph? Friend, you look paler than usual, an’ that's saying something because you glow in the dark.” Honeydew could see it clearer as they hopped off the carriage, making their way back to the shitty cave they’d made home over the past year. It was worse for wear after Israphel had blown it to shite, but it’d been the only place they called theirs after the final battle. Still, the semi-regular trips into the slowly recovering Mistral were doing great things - both for Honeydew’s ability to eat something not terrible and for Xephos to be around people. A weird sort, that one - so self conscious and snippy but faded away without people to talk to. He’d been entertaining some nosey children with a dramatised (and sanitised) tale of one of the earlier legs of their adventure and they’d been near clambering all over him - touching the golden buttons of his coat and his leather scabbard. He’d borne it all with surprising grace - Honeydew hadn't known he’d even liked kids until the first little bugger had tugged at his coat with sticky fingers, doe eyed and shy.

The drive back in the carriage no one would let them pay for had taken around 2 hours, and Honeydew hadn’t been overly surprised that Xephos had dozed off, but the fact he looked far worse after his nap was what had him worried. Xephos blinked at the question, seemingly needing a second to process what he had said.

“Ah, sorry friend. I’m well enough.”

Well enough - well that was a red flag and a half. He thanked the driver and grabbed their crap from the back, not letting Xephos take anything before walking the last of the way to their home. Xephos trailed behind him, each stumble sending more alarm bells ringing. When Xephos almost collapsed onto the bed after what couldn’t have been more than an 8 minute walk, Honeydew was really concerned.

He walked over, noticing how Xephos was burying himself under the quilt despite the warm day, the exercise and his own thick coat. Ah. He rested a palm to the taller man’s head and was startled by just how high his temperature already was. Xephos melted into his cooler palm with a soft noise of relief.

“Xeph? When did you get sick, you silly nonce.” Xephos tugged his hand away, replacing it with the cooler one that hadn’t yet been warmed by his fever.

“One of the kids, I think.” Honeydew frowned.

“Already? That was - fuck maybe 5 hours ago at the most.” Xephos nodded against his palm.

“My immune system’ll be shit. Didn’t think about it.”

“Immune system? You’ve never got sick before.”

Xephos laughed, soft and tired. “I didn’t - didn’t grow up here. You know how you’ll get something as a kid and then never again?” The connection formed in Honeydew’s mind. “And then, it was just you for a while. And then we didn’t really see anyone, or we kept dying, and it wasn’t a problem, so I forgot about it.” Xephos hadn’t sounded so dazed since he’d been last concussed.

“That doesn’t explain why you’re so sick already, though.” Xephos went to swap his hands again, and let out a whine when it hadn’t cooled enough for his liking. Honeydew grabbed a clean washcloth and dipped it in some water, laying it across his head. Xephos shivered, grabbing Honeydew’s hand anyway.

“It’s - complicated. Head hurts ‘dew.” He let Xephos whine for a bit before prodding him to keep going. “It’s - evolution - if it killed your Dad you wouldn’t be here. And then there is some stuff with maternal antibodies and -” he let out a huff, tugging at Honeydew’s hand. Following the guidance of his near delirious friend, he let himself be dragged onto the bed, his hand placed firmly in Xephos’ hair. He hadn’t known how needy Xephos could get when he was sick - it was cute.

And then the implication hit.

“Wait - this could kill you?” he nearly shouted. Apparently that was far too loud and Xephos cringed away from him painfully, shivering. “Ah, shite, sorry, sorry.” He adjusted the cloth back and gently pet his hair, feeling the slightly clammy texture of his friend's skin as the fever sweat started to kick in. He was starting to panic now. “It could kill you?” whispered, taking in the grey cast and the dulling of his freckles.

“Maybe - or not. ‘Dun know.” He shivered pathetically, pawing unhappily at the blankets he’d only just clambered under, trying to wriggle out of his coat and pants. “Saw it - they didn’t give the field tech PPE, she didn’t make it.” There were too many words in that mess that Honeydew didn’t understand, and the ones he did painted a horrid picture. “But I’ll be back - so. ‘S ok.” He kind of wanted to shake his friend, but settled for gathering more cloths and a basin of water.

“Of course it matters if it hurts, Xeph. And -” neither of us have died from sickness, he thought, what if it's different. He thought better about saying that out loud. If Xephos wasn’t well enough to consider the option when he was the one of them that catastrophized - well. He didn’t need the stress making it worse.

It only got worse as the night wore on. Xephos slowly stopped being able to hold a conversation, stopped being able to tolerate the gentle touch of Honeydew’s hand in his hair as the fever made everything painful. The worst part was the sickening wheeze he picked up when late night moved to early morning. He looked grey, the tips of his fingers were near black, and the only noises he was capable of making were soft moans of pain whenever Honeydew had to replace the cool cloths across his forehead and arms. Honeydew wouldn’t have thought he was capable of sleeping in a state of stress like that, but he blinked and awoke with the mid morning sun peeking in through the windows. The bed was empty, but the smells of illness lingered. Something like horror crept into his chest and he ran outside, Xephos standing hale and hearty in the yard, shovel in hand.

There was a freshly turned over mound of earth next to him, 6 feet long and 2 feet wide.

“Oh, friend - thank you. Sorry about last night - I just. I thought I’d set things to rights before you woke up.” There was a smudge of dirt across his nose, the image charming but the implications horrific.

“Xeph -” Honeydew didn’t know what to say. ‘Why didn’t you wake me?’ was childish and the ‘I’m so sorry I couldn’t fix it.’ was too much, stuck in his throat like a barbed hook in a fish’s mouth.

“Friend?”

Honeydew bit everything down and shot his friend a tired smile that rang utterly false. “Sorry Xeph, I’m still frazzled. We have pastries from town inside, and I can set the fire if you want a cuppa.” Xephos smiled brightly, leading him back inside.

“Sounds delightful, friend!” There was dirt under his fingernails.

#yogscast xephos #xephos #yogscast #honeydew #yogscast honeydew #honeydew like 'how do i tell this man the fact he casually buried his own body just as a casual tidy up is unsettling to me'#and xephos is like 'that was awkward and pathetic but he was so nice to me so i'll just clean everything up as thanks'#also. i have no idea what my internal timeline is #im currently going with something along the lines of #they chill in the woods for like 5 months - then the island for 2 - and then the SoI plot starts and is finished in ab 4 months?#and then they start voltz? and then the jaffacatory and moonquest #and then yoglabs and flux buddies and Then you have 2 timelines #the one where honeydew's clone isnt fixed and you get storyteller xeph #and the one where it *is* fixed and you get these men having a healthy relationship and also jaffa factory 2 #time does not exist past the start of voltz i dont know whats going on then

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slaymybreathaway · 1 year ago

Text

YOU'VE REALLY GOT A HOLD ON ME

◇Chapter Two◇

Chapter List Masterlist

Word Count: 850

Content Warnings: smoking, mentions of law breaking, Darry being funny

1965 ◇ Outside the Curtis House

"What were you doin', walking out by your lonesome?" Steve asked as he flicked the ash off of his cigarette. The gang had made it back home and were standing gathered around the front steps.

Everyone turned to Ponyboy for an answer. "I was coming back from the movies, I didn't think-"

He was interrupted by Darry "You don't ever think, not at home or anywhere that it counts," he looked like he was going to say more, but he stopped himself when he saw the look that Gracie was giving him from where she sat on the top step. They often argued about how hard he was on Ponyboy and he didn't want to fight with her today.

"Leave my kid brother alone, you hear?" It ain't his fault the Socs like to jump us," Soda stood up for Ponyboy.

"When I want my kid brother to tell me what to do with my other kid brother, I'll ask you...kid brother," Darry responded, cracking a smile at the last line as he jokingly caught Soda into a headlock.

Gracie watched with a smile as the brother's play-fought but she was brought out of her stare when she heard Dally say her name. "Hey Gracie, you workin' the Nightly Double tommorrow?" He asked, lighting up a cancer-stick.

"Yup, all weekend. Why, d'ya need me to sneak you in again?" She asked. It wasn't the first time and it probably wouldn't be the last. Dally would do anything to break the rules and Gracie would rather he did it without hiding in the back of someone's truck.

The blonde boy nodded as he took the cigarette out of his mouth to speak. "Yeah. Me, Johnny and Ponyboy are thinkin' of headin' over for the second showing. What's on?" He asked, his New-York accent dripping off of his vowels.

The woman thought for a moment. "Uhh, some beach flick with Frankie Avalon. I don't get a chance to look at the films so I can't tell you if it's any good or not,"

Dally shrugged as he inhaled, letting the smoke fill his lungs. "'S fine. I'm not going for the plot of the movie anyways," he admitted.

Soon enough the gang had went there separate ways. Sodapop and Ponyboy disappeared inside the house, racing to see who could get to the shower first. Steve and Two-Bit left to find a poker game that was going on and Dally went to Buck's. That just left Darry and Gracie alone on the porch.

"Are you staying for dinner?" Darry asked as Gracie stood up from where she was sitting.

The woman shook her head with a sigh. "Nah, I gotta go to work," she stood infront of Darry and looked up at him. Being 5"8, she was quite tall for a woman, but he had always been taller.

Gracie saw the look of disappointment on his face as Darry sighed. "What?" She asked, crossing her arms.

"You work too much," he expressed, a look of worry on his face. It's been every day this week that she's pulled a double, working in both the salon and the drive-in and it didn't go without notice.

Grace couldn't help but break into a laugh, a hand on Darry's arm to try to stabilise herself. "No, I'm being serious, Gracie. You haven't had a day off in the past two months... that's not good for ya" he protested.

"Well look who's talking, Curtis! You're working yourself to an early grave," she shot back. It was a true statement and Darry couldn't deny that.

"I know, believe me I do but you're working more than me! The only way I get to see you anymore is if I book in for a wash and blow-dry," he joked. Darry could be real-funny if he wanted to, but that was Two-Bit's job so his jokes were rare.

Gracie cracked a smile as she thought of what he said. "Aw, you miss me don't you?" She taunted, but Darry seemed less than pleased.

"I'm worried, that's all. You gotta promise me that you'll cut down your hours," he asked.

"Ok," Grace started. "I'll cut down my hours just as soon as buisness in the salon picks up," she agreed and kissed Darry on the cheek before she walked down the porch steps.

"Oh- and I gotta pay off the loan I took out to pay for beauty school... and I gotta get my car fixed.. and yanno, winning the lottery would be nice, If I ever actually bought a ticket," she continued to mess with him as she walked down the front yard of the Curtis house.

Darry shook his head with a smile. "God you're difficult, Micheals!" He shouted across the yard.

Grace chuckled "It's one of my best qualities!" She shouted back, taking one last look at him. She started walking down the street to her house, one thought on her mind:

I can see why I was so in love with him when I was seventeen

#the outsiders fanfiction #the outsiders #darry curtis x reader #darry curtis #sodapop curtis #ponyboy curtis #the curtis brothers #dallas winston #two bit mathews #steve randle #se hinton #fanfiction writer #wattpad

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thedawningofthehour · 1 year ago

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Oh. my. god, seriously, every time a chapter comes out my hands start shaking, I was shocked to wake up to see that the chapter had not been posted, only for it to be posted a couple of hours later, and for the record I woke up at 8 am and there is only like a couple of hours difference between US and where I live! Woman! Do you even sleep?

My mom gets furious if I go to bed at 12 pm and I'm a 22 year old grown woman!

Uhhhhhhhh~ it looks like the 'Galois discovers the truth' arc is already taking it's first steps, I want to see the faces of the Draxum squadron when they see the wanted posters, especially when they realize they used a picture of Donatello for 'Galois'!

The guy's reaction when Annie told him about his family, one of the things I'd like to see in the recovery arc is how the humans will adapt to the Yokai, I love Worldbuilding stories.

So while they won't sentence Donnie to death there's still a chance he'll be lynched? Yikes, I hope Bella and Leo's testimonies help with their public opinion, again, it's all Draxum's fault, the guy had the kid for a year and already has like four 🎯 in his head, Splinter was right to take the kids.

Oh, my mother bothers me too if she thinks I'm up too late. But she's usually asleep by then, and I try to get to bed before she gets up for her middle of the night smoke.

Just part of living with your parents as an adult, I guess. Today she drove me crazy going through every item in the kitchen and playing twenty questions with me about it to make room for Thanksgiving supplies. Is this yours? When did you buy it? Is it still good? What kind of cheese is it? When do you eat this? Are you sure I can throw it out? But are you actually going to eat it? (she does this when she goes through anything, it drives me nuts) I literally did a fridge purge less than a month ago too, all the old stuff was hers.

But our rent's been the same since 2013 and our landlords are actually cool people, so fuck if I'm moving out and paying more for a shittier place to live.

It's pretty unrealistic, the Hidden City as a whole places a lot of value on children (so many of them have trouble having bio-kids) and their life stages all scale upwards, so 15-16 is so very very young for them. So the idea that they'd condemn someone so young goes against much of the overarching culture there.

However, Hueso's seen bullshit before. He knows emotions run much higher than reason in times of strife, and he worries about the dehumanization of mutants and the effects that will have. If Yokai see mutants as scary 'Others' who just exist to destroy their way of life, then they'd have no qualms about killing people like Leo or even the kiddos like Fatimah and Jenny-because they're not really people to them. And they would be furious at one of those 'Others' who played a direct part in their hardship.

To be fair, some of it probably would have happened anyway. People like Big Mama (if she was an actual crime boss and not a cartoon version of what a kid thinks a crime boss is) and other rich weirdos would have taken one look at him and been like "sweet! You work for me now. Say no and I'll cripple your legs so you can't run away. :)" Draxum's reputation and being legally his son does protect him somewhat.

#at least it did #doth asks

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dancedance-resolution · 1 year ago

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Hi again, I am just catching up on your messages and IM SORRY DDR BUT I DO NOT LIVE IN MASSACHUSETTS

I live in Vermont, very much not surprised that that wasn't a guess, it's an often overlooked state 😭 I do not know anything about sports but we do appear to have women's ice hockey, but not any pwhl unfortunately so I cannot offer that as incentive to visit 🥺

ok yes, I see what you were saying about the 8 hour drive lol. I absolutely agree, long drives are the worst... Most of my internet friends live in different countries though, so I think my conclusion about it being not that far was that if you're only 8 hours away from me then technically I could visit? whereas my other friends I have no hope of visiting without a plane ticket 😭

also, I love having my own tag, thank you 🥺

and that sounds like an excellent plan for when you meet with him! proud of you for putting that in place and I'm glad to hear my idea feels useful 💖

and also if you ever do somehow find yourself closer to VT you absolutely should let me know and I will come off anon because I consider you a friend and would love to hang out 💖💖💖But for now, the cloak of anonymity stays because I have revealed too much lmao

-ace lesbian anon

it is frankly astonishing to me that you don’t live in massachusetts, i feel like a solid 35% of tumblr lives in massachusetts….. in fact, i think you’re the first vermont person that i’ve met (knowing they’re from vermont)???🤔 (also you know how michiganders is ppl from michigan and baltimorons is baltimore - do you guys have a vermont version of that?)

anyways so regarding straight boy alas he didn’t message me back about confirming a time yesterday so it didn’t happen! unsure if i’ll message him trying to set smth up again 🤔 i sent my friend screenshots of what i’d sent him initially and they told me they would find that message super jarring lol, which i now very much see 😂 like this is in the top 10 ddr autism moments, and im a muppets fan so that’s saying a lot 😂 generally though, i definitely still want to meet up w a cis man bc im still quite curious, but idk about the timeline now 🤷

i will absolutely let you know if/when i’m up in your area! surely one of these days i’ll get restless to fuck around and head north lol 🫡

hope you’re doing well etc 🥰🥰🥰

#on my phone for emojis w this one lol 🫡#ace lesbian anon 🌱#ddr’s ask box

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regular-lord-reckoner · 1 year ago

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welp, guess who hit burnout again ?!?!

i did !!

primarily because of some bad news i got last week. it's nothing bad bad, it's just some aggravating bullshit i have to deal with (basically i missed some payments for my therapist and i thought it was like...3 or 4, but it's like...8?? the lady that does her payroll is going to look into it because my deductible kicked in somewhere in there, but i don't think for most of it so i'm just annoyed at myself for letting this pile up like this but what can ya do!! thankfully she's been really forgiving and understanding, especially because a lot of these missed payments happened around when my dad died so i do appreciate that and will be making it up to her as soon as i can; i don't see her again until april so hopefully by then i can get a little more caught up

i also broke my favorite mirror and my pipe like a day apart from each other (the pipe i'm not as broken up about because i'm starting a tolerance break soon anyway and the guy i bought it from still makes the same one so we're all good there but the mirror???? the fucking mirror!?!)

okay so this goddamn mirror.

i genuinely don't even know how this happened

i had just put our dog down for his nap (yes, he has a nap time and yes i take care of him like he's my child now.........he's grown on me) and i went upstairs to use my bathroom and get my medicine and i may have accidentally knocked into something on my way there, but i swear i wasn't that close and as soon as i got into the bathroom i just heard a commotion and turned around and my dad's guitar fell over, hit the mirror, the mirror hit ??? and shattered

specifically into two pieces, one kinda small, i could have probably fit it into a cardboard box, but the other piece was too big and i would have had to break it up somehow without getting more glass everywhere and i could already see what looked like glitter all over the carpet so i said fuck that

i ended up having to get two very thick trash bags to bag it up and carefully transport it downstairs and all i could think was, "please don't let this fucking mirror cut through this plastic anymore than it already has (because it had a little) and end up slicing my hand up real bad and then what? i probably have to drive myself to the nearest walk in because no one else is here right now and it would take too long for an ambulance to get out here, plus..........expensive so...be careful!!!"

the whole ordeal ate up an entire hour of my fucking day because i had to just sit and stare at it for about half an hour before i could even clean it up, i just froze

then all the transporting it downstairs and getting it outside with the other trash and texting our family friend who hauls the trash off for all of us to let him know to be careful with it, yeah

it hasn't helped that i've somehow gotten behind on part of my work and my inbox lately has been consistently in the 200+ range and i keep finding all these stat referrals that aren't marked even though everyone literally just got an email the other fucking day to make sure those are marked but nope!! so now i feel pressure to get through as many of them as i can so needless to say my work days lately have been thusly:

i get up at 6:30 am. i do a little work. sometime around 7:30 i go lie back in bed for about an hour before i get up to get the dog up and take him outside and feed him his breakfast.

while he's eating i do the dishes and sometimes will get the trash all gathered up and set out to be taken off. i also feed the cat and check to see if he needs anything, any litter or water or whatever else.

sometimes i'll do some of my own cleaning, like my bathroom or start on my laundry (i think last week i ended up doing everything: sheets, towels, clothes, the dogs blankets and towels)

oh, i also give him a bath now every thursday so he's not stinky and it helps with his skin because his breed is prone to getting these little bumps so weekly baths help with that apparently

we'll go on walks throughout the day, too. usually whenever i take him out to go potty but sometimes if i get an extra bit of free time and the weather is nice we got for a little walk together

in between all of this i try to pop in to get some of my actual work done and on good days i do mange to scoot along pretty well. on bad days it's been kinda like how it's been for the past few weeks and i end up staying up until our records system literally begins to stop communicating with our patient scheduling/demographics system which means i can't do shit anymore. that's usually around 11:30 pm

somewhere in there i eat a few meals slowly over the course of a few hours and often don't even up finishing them because i've gotten the ick or they've gone too cold so i save it for later or just toss it out

i go to sleep usually around midnight or 1 am but again on bad nights it's like...almost 2 am. and then it's back up at 6. or my new favorite...wake up at 5 and then i'm not able to get back to sleep!

doesn't help that whenever i don't get enough sleep my neuromuscular shit gets a lot worse so i spend all day just lightly vibrating with tiredness (quite literally, it's just all day minimal shakes which is fun when all you do is type)

i would just take extra of my medicine but i lowkey got shamed by a pharmacist for refilling my meds too soon so....there's that

the last time i went to refill i didn't have any problems, normally the automated system will tell me, "hey, bitch, you can't refill this yet, slow down!" and so i know to wait a few more days and try again (unless i'm about to be out before then, of course), but that didn't happen, it just told me it would be ready tomorrow so tomorrow i went and evidently it was not eligible to be refilled that soon and it was just the way she was looking at me when she said, "didn't you just have this refilled [whatever the date what]??" which like...yeah, admittedly it was a little sooner than usual but like..........sometimes i just need more of my medicine ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

pretty sure i was doing a lot of physical shit around then so yeah, i probably took more of my pills than normal....i realize i should probably just bite the bullet and contact my neurologist to see if he can up my prescription before my next visit in september where we normally go over that because evi-fuck-ing-dently if i need a little bit more sometimes it's gonna be a whole thing now

and of course, me being me, i'm like...apologetic, just like, "okay, well i can just come back another day, sorry" and she said, "well, we can refill it if you want to wait," which like....................why did you give me grief over it then?! but then when i asked about how long would it be she was like, "i dunno, 20 minutes or you can just come back later," which is hell to tell my autistic ass so i was just like, "uh, i guess i'll come back later..." which she seemed to be glad to be rid of me and likewise, so!

i went and cried in my car for a bit because once again just frustrated that i felt humiliated over that because it wasn't that deep, but it just kinda reminded me of high school and how i purposefully avoided going to the nurse's office to get my medicine because she was such a fucking asshole to me (she was the one who after i asked if my dad could come pick me up because i was sick started grilling me on my condition to which her conclusion was, "so, what, are you going to stay in bed for the rest of your life or something?" with just pure hatred in her voice, i literally didn't have an answer for that. she did not last long as the nurse, surprisingly! she was very unpopular, i can't even imagine the other fucked up shit she probably said to my classmates)

but yeah, just...hey, i need this to literally function. i'm not trying to hurt anyone. i'm not trying to make your job, that i know is already very hard, any harder. i just want my goddamn medicine. i just walked through over-stimulation city and am going to do it twice today (it's costco btw and the pharmacy is alllllll the way in the back), just......please do not give me a hard time about this for the love of god

also, if you're wondering, "gee anna, i'd just switch pharmacies if i were you, that sounds like a lot of hassle!" yes, i have considered that, but you see............my job's got me by the balls on this one. in the past couple of years they've introduced their own pharmacy and technically...........technically i'm supposed to be filling my medicine with them.

there's literally a clause about like, "don't you fucking dare fill [my type of medication] with anyone but us!!" but like......somehow i've managed to make it this far without them noticing??

and costco themselves have just sort of made it work?? because i think my original script was actually for a larger supply, but i guess if i got that filled it would force me to use my work's so costco just fills it to a lesser degree and somehow it flies under the rader. i dunno !!

but !! i've been using them instead of my work because from everything i've heard.....our pharmacy sux !!!!

i won't get into all of it (but like my mom has said some of her medicine with like...clearly what it is with her name and everything on it was left lying out where patients and god and everyone could see it....not great)

they also just make a lot of mistakes and i'm skeptical if they store things correctly so suffice to say there's a lot of reasons i just don't want to deal with it, it's also apparently hard to just...get your meds from them because of how they do things. so i really don't want to make this process any more challenging than what it already is, but yeah. a little bit frustrating, i guess

in addition to.....all of this, i also had got to thinking, "damn, i've been working a lot of 50 hour weeks lately, how long have i been doing this? a few months now?"

i knew it was around the time my dad was dying because i remember quite literally watching him in his hospice bed over the top of my computer to make sure he didn't wake up again and try to take his oxygen off

turns out it's uh....been a year now

right around this time last year i started working 50 hours a week.

granted there were a few weeks, especially at the beginning, where i would work one 50 hour week and then a 44 hour week and then 50 hours again and 40 back and forth like that because i was worried i'd get in trouble but eventually i realized no one way saying anything so eventually (and with a few exceptions, of course) i just started doing one after the other and now i'm here......kiiiiiiiiinda burnt out

which isn't surprising really, when i think about it

i was quite literally experiencing burn out to the point of serious thoughts about not being here anymore and engaging in self harm through my meltdowns so i guess you could say i was a little stressed last year but i pretty much had to try to put it all on pause and just...get to work in so many senses and i know i let a lot of things fall through the cracks. too many probably. but i cannot emphasize enough just how much i was breaking down and how hard it was for me to hold my shit together during that time.

i didn't want anyone to know it had gotten that bad, i felt like a monster and every day it's like i did something else horrendously wrong or said the wrong thing and sometimes i really did and sometimes it was just my warped perception of things and i started to lose the ability to tell the difference and it all just congealed into one big ball of stress

i spent a lot of therapy sessions honestly just bawling my eyes out because of it after which i usually felt better for a little while, but it would slowly build up again and again because i still hadn't figured out what works and what doesn't as far as self-care goes and what even are my needs and god this is all so fucking overwhelming and the spots on my dad's lungs just keep getting worse and he keeps getting weaker and my mom's falling apart and i'm falling apart and everything's falling apart, but not me!! never me, not yet!!

so i just kept going. and still am.

yes, i've had a few breaks and those have helped tremendously. i'm taking another one next month (bet you can't guess which week) and i'm just going to stay here, maybe do some cleaning on my closet and hopefully catch up on sleep

this, so far, is what seems to work

when i feel myself approaching my limit, i shut off essentially. i go into autopilot

i do what i need to get done, get it all done and then crash and recover as much as possible until i reach the next big rest (which is usually just a week at a time but i'll take it !!!) and along the way i just try to pick up different modalities of self-care and prioritizing my health and wellbeing as i go

like today, i managed to sleep in until 11 am. beautiful !! stunning !!

first time i've felt like a human being in ???

i took advantage of this renewed energy to put my efforts into putting together something special for my niece's kids.

unfortunately, their dad's father passed away earlier this week. sudden heart attack, apparently.

the younger one doesn't really have as much attachment to him, i don't think, but the older one is really torn up about this from what her mom has told us

he used to babysit for them a lot so he was a big part of her life. they were actually supposed to get ice cream that day because he promised it to her if she did well on one of her tests and she did but that obviously didn't end up happening

that's two of her grandfathers now she's lost in about 6 months and my heart is just broken for her

her mom said already that sometimes she just bursts into tears out of nowhere and when she asks her, "honey, what's wrong?" she says she misses my dad (which hey.......big same. the sudden crying about it and everything).

his funeral will be on monday which my mom won't be able to go to but said she wanted to still go up there tomorrow just to be with the kids if nothing else to give them some extra comfort

i'm staying behind so i can watch the critters (and because i don't think right now i'm up for all of that honestly) but i did want to send them my love so i took about an hour today to shop for some presents for them

i got them both these really neat stuffed animals (a dinosaur for the younger one because they're her favorite; it roars and lights up and everything) and a bunny that also makes a cute noise and lights up and they're both nice and cuddly since her mom also said right now all the older one wants to do is curl up with her blanket and watch her favorite shows

i also got the younger one some bluey dolls since that's her favorite right now and a little bracelet that looks like one i know she has and loves except this one has a little purple butterfly on it !!

i got her sister a really nice princess crown and this cool lip balm thing with a container that has some of her favorite characters on it so i hope she likes that and i got her a bracelet that's similar to her sister's but it says "don't give up" on it

mom's going to take them the gifts tomorrow so i hope they like them and most of all, i hope they help. i walked up and down the kid's toy aisles so much i think i was making people nervous with me being a single adult just going up and down the aisles constantly but i was really trying to put a lot of thought into what would cheer them up and give them comfort right now

after that i made a few more stops to get me a few little treats even though i probably don't need them, but they made me happy so...there!

i came home, relaxed for a little bit, took the dog for a walk/potty break, fed him his dinner, washed some dishes, took out all the trash, took a shower and i finally ate dinner around 10 pm

so yeah. been....pretty busy lately.

i think part of what's contributing to this particular burnout is that i just feel like i haven't stopped in....ages now. i just keep going and going and going and going

but !!! if nothing else this tells me i really need to step up my skills for dealing with, well, me.

although i reserve the right as a scorpio to close the door to myself for a while and emerge dramatically when i feel rejuvenated, there are...better ways of approaching things, i think, so we're going to work on that

namely i'm going to work on getting more sleep. i think that's one of the biggest contributing factors because i'm just exhausted all of the goddamn time and being exhausted leads me to being on edge all day long (even when i start out the day in an awesome mood sometimes, over time and as i sit there working it's like the life just drains out of me)

so we're going to work on that and we're also going to work on our diet. although processed foods have kept me steady for all these years due to their dependability and extreme convenience, i'm at an age where i really need to be eating a lot more vegetables and actually start cooking most of my meals

going to work on that and eventually the plan is to also start growing some of my own food because another thing too is like.....every goddamn product in the store anymore is owned by some bullshit genocide supporting monopoly entity so like......the less i can contribute to that the better, i figure

i also really hope to get to my closet soon because i know i keep talking about it and it and it's been forever but i just haven't had the capacity for it so it got put on hold but fingers crossed on my break i can at least start to chip away at it

which....speaking of stuff around the house, that's been another thing

it's becoming clear to my mom and i that this house, beautifully made by my father as it is, really needs some love put into it

the entire thing honestly needs a good deep clean, but in addition to that i'm pretty sure there's mold upstairs. i don't know about downstairs, but i'm 99.9% sure it's up here and i think part of it probably has to do with the fact that the doors i have that go outside don't.....close completely ?? heh

i may have accidentally fallen into them at one point and knocked them out of frame and no matter what i've done to try to fix it (mostly slamming against it from the other side like i'm a fucking football player) so i've done what i can to mitigate the slight crack that's at the top of the door but i'm pretty sure moisture has been getting in anyway so that's fun !!

those doors obviously need to be replaced and there's also a skylight in my bathroom that i think has gotten some water damage around it so that might be contributing as well, but that needs to be fixed, too

there's also some ceiling work that my dad had started on in their bedroom but didn't get to finish before he got sick so that needs to be finished and of course the water heater could still go at any time

the plumber was able to get it back to somewhat full capacity, but even still i've noticed the hot water runs out a lot faster than it used too, so that'll be something else

we also hadn't really realized until all of this with my dad just how inaccessible our house is to get into if you struggle to walk or need a wheelchair

we did what we could with my dad's chair and he'd hold on to one of us to get into the house while holding his cane with the other hand, but like that one night he was so weak after he fell earlier in the day and then all day at the emergency getting checked out, he nearly fell and busted his open and instead ended up collapsing in the hallway just inside the garage entrance and we had to call ems to help come get him up out of the floor so.....we really need to at the very least have hand rails installed at some entrance point of this house that'll make it easier (the backdoor technically has them but it would be a trek for someone with mobility issues of any kind to get back there to them)

the carpets all either need a really good deep clean or to be taken up and replaced with either more carpet or something else

and i'm sure there's more i'm not thinking of right now, but suffice to say, it's....a lot. and no, it doesn't all have to be done right now, right now but the sooner the better for some of them for sure

fortunately my dad left us some money that initially he said we could use for a trip but i think we're going to instead use to do a lot of this stuff around the house that needs to be done

in the meantime, i'm going to try to clean as i go as much as possible. getting all that stuff out from around the water heater really just makes me want to rent a dumpster so we can just throw a bunch of this shit away because honestly a lot of it is just junk at this point that's not even worth donating or giving to someone

some of it yes and definitely any clothes we find that are still good quality, but a lot of this shit i would love nothing more than to just chuck into a dumpster and feel like i can breathe a little easier because it's nowhere near hoarder level i don't think, but for my taste it's starting to feel a little claustrophobic

in the mean time, i'm also going to try to start reading more because i really did used to enjoy it and i think my brain's starting to finally get to a point where it's like, "hey, i can handle new information !! let's start learning again !! let's start reading a whole bunch !!" so i'm excited to start that

i'm still journaling and working my puzzles and spending time outside connecting with nature so these are all also things that i think help me out a lot that i intend to keep up

i also want to start teaching myself how to play my dad's guitar soon because i've always wanted to do that and i think it would bring me a lot of joy if i could manage to learn

i'm also just, as weird as it sounds, letting myself be more autistic, i guess ??

i hadn't realized until recently just how much i've suppressed a lot of stimming and self-soothing behaviors and how much better i feel when i just.....let myself do them

i've struggled with being perceived even when i know i'm completely alone for some time now, i remember even talking about it with my last therapist like a decade ago so this has been a thing

i used to even cover the vents when i went to the bathroom and would shower in the dark because i couldn't pinpoint why i felt like i was always being watched but just in case aliens or the government or whoever were secretly spying on me i was going to avoid them !!

anyway, hey, younger me, turns out you're just really neurodivergent, babe! like i'm starting to think you're more than just autistic, you might also have a decent helping of adhd, dunno, it's kind of slowly starting to emerge which is weird but i'll give you a for instance......i forgot to sign up for my insurance this year!!

i kept getting the alert on my paycom thing whenever i log in every day and i even checked it a few times and was like, "oh yeah, i need to do that," but just kept forgetting the second i would look away from it and anyway, the other day i get an email that's like, "hey, so you've been automatically enrolled in your issuance this year since you didn't wanna do it yourself :P" basically so i do have it, but what's my plan like ?? is it a good one ?? i dunno just yet but i guess we'll see. they're all pretty much the same at this point but i think i did notice it's a different provider so...woohoo, i'm slowly but surely collecting all the insurance types like they're fucking pokemon

anyway, shit like that's been happening more and more lately, but i'm trying to get a handle on that, too because i'm already in a big enough hole as is and quite literally cannot afford to dig myself any deeper so we're gonna do what we need to in order to be well and be somewhat healthy and get this brain sorted out and hopefully, eventually, i'll get to reach a point where i can put down a few of the balls i've been juggling and just kinda....take it easy for a bit

again, and i know i always say this, but i fear i always sound out of touch with reality when i talk about my life like this and so i want to make it clear i do acknowledge all of this could be much, much worse

my life is by far nowhere near as bad as it could be and in a lot of ways i have many things working in my favor and that are of great help to me, so i'm extremely grateful for that. i haven't always been, admittedly, but i've also had a lot of complicated feelings to unpack especially in the past year that made it difficult, but i've come out the other side of that now and i really do just want to mature and focus on growing and part of that is my gratitude for the things in my life that are going right and are immensely beneficial to my wellbeing

that being said, my life nevertheless still hast its challenges and although i blab a lot on here (probably more than i should) i do still tend to keep the majority or perhaps the intensity of how i really feel all to myself

i know there are definitely times that even i can admit that it's like, "uh, hey, the thing you're having a meltdown over really isn't worth being that upset about, it'll be okay........" because sure enough everything was/is totally fine and it's not a big deal, but it's hard to describe how in the moment it feels so much bigger and far more dire so what seems like a lot of dramatics and going through the motions on everyone else's end may all be for naught but like...it's still a tangible hell i end up going through that takes its toll on me, i'm just....used to it, lol

i've literally been getting overloaded since i was born and in some ways it feels like it's never stopped since then, the only problem was i didn't have an answer as to why until very recently so it's not like i wasn't doing anything about my mental health because i just wasn't prioritizing it, i didn't even know where to begin and my first attempt at getting help didn't even land close to what the real issue was so it put me off for a long time (to be fair, the therapy was also heavily focused on like.....my sister having just died, so that's at least part of why, i'm sure)

this really feels like the first time in either a very, very, very long time or possibly even ever that i've been able to just actually stop a little and catch my breath. feel like myself, my actual self. not the mask i've been poorly trying to keep together for forever now

a mask that part of me is hesitant still as i continue to take it off because what i'm realizing about myself is that a lot of who i am/who i've been was tied up in that so like.....naturally i'm starting to see a lot of shifts in the relationships around me and just how i think about myself as well and how i approach things

and it's hard because it's like.....am i being fair ?? am i taking everyone around me's feelings into consideration ?? because i'm so used to having to do that and tiptoe around and always feel like i'm walking on eggshells except my clumsy ass was just tromping through them anyway, always putting my foot in my mouth and saying the exact wrong thing that at the worst possible time and just hating myself more and more but not knowing how to fix it so i'd just princess caroline my relationships and focus on everyone else instead which makes people like you for that, but not so much the rest so there's this constant worry of, "is that all i'm good for? will i be replaced as soon as i stop being useful?" and not for nothing but like....it's happened before, so!!!

so....yeah. i've been unpacking a lot of things lately and just trying to sit with them and think about all of this and about who i want to be now and how to get there

the process is already happening and has been for about a year now, but it's a slow one unfortunately (and really all of this has been woefully too late, but that's what happens when you snooze, anna. you lose !!!) but like that asshole walter white once said, i am......awake, now. except instead of becoming an ego-maniacal abusive drug lord who destroys his family and everything he touches, i'm going to do...whatever the opposite of that is. in every sense

i hope i can grow into a person who is ultimately kind and loving and patient and stable and lovable and healed who has interesting hobbies like making music and maybe recreating some of the pictures she takes of the sky in the form of paintings if she gets good enough

as overwhelming as everything has felt lately i can also feel new possibilities unfurling in me and i can see so many roads and avenues i could go down in terms of growth and development and for the first time i'm staring to feel like i'm brave enough to do it or at least give it a shot

so that's what i hope for. that's what i'm working towards.

thee are going to be parts of me i know people aren't going to like, in particular my tendency to want to spend the majority of my time alone and with my own thoughts, at least for right now, but that's just something i feel as though i need to do and quite honestly, as though i've earned

in some regards, i've spent a good portion, if not almost all of my life in some form or fashion taking care of the people that i love. often in an emotional sense, but i like to think i've also stepped up to the plate in a lot of other ways even if i didn't do every single thing perfectly, i still at least tried

i think i've finally earned some time to focus on me and just me for a little bit.

not to say i won't help anyone with anything (i quite literally spend a good chunk of my time helping my mom now), but i can tell with everything in my being that i really, really need to just turn inwards for a little bit, focus on me, heal some more, mature some more and i think when i emerge from this cocoon i'm going to be....a decent looking butterfly!! (actually, i also hope i get hot. not like "oh, i buy these clothes or makeup or whatever" but just like...y'know, hot. when you invest in yourself hot, you know what i mean? idk it's getting late and i'm quite tired)

but yeah. think that's about it for now.

sorry this was so long, i've just clearly had a lot going on and have a lot on my mind and i like to just check in every so often to document where i'm at in this journey

wish it was a better update, but they can't all be good or we wouldn't be working towards anything, now would we?

i guess that's all for now.

a coupe of last things:

i saw a big yellow butterfly the other day when i was taking the dog out. i sort of associate yellow with my dad now because he loved yellow flowers, especially sunflowers, so whenever i see anything yellow, really, i think of him and of course butterflies are supposedly visitors so i think that might have been him saying hi, which i really needed

also, the cashier supervising the self check i was at today said, "you can use whichever one you want, darlin'," to me which made me smile a lot although they couldn't tell because i had a mask on but i said thank you and tried to smize as best as i could before scooting off to scan my items and get one step close to going back home

oh, and i started to cry a little earlier because on my way home i had to pass by the funeral home and in particular where i was sat at a red light i actually had a perfect view of the crematorium and right as i was looking at it i hear bert mccracken (who btw has apparently been pro-Palestinian for like a decade now so good on him; i knew i chose right in the divorce when everyone else went to gerard's !!) coming from my speakers going, "fill your lungs with smoke for the last tiiiiiime!!" and i started to laugh because like.....c'mon, that's kinda funny, but then i started to cry because i remember that day and then i just missed him but i also had to drive so we just shut that shit down and headed home and i still haven't cried yet so will probably do that tomorrow and some journaling. i think a big cry would help a lot so we'll see !!

as always, i hope if you're reading this you have a good weekend and can also get some rest from chaotic life and stress and all the other bullshit

i hope something good happens for you soon and that you also heal and can try to find some peace and comfort

i absolutely must go to sleep now so g'night !!! <3

#long post #just an update about me/my mental health/what i've been up to type of thing

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