#anyway i was in like a catatonic state after reading those

[the-real-list-of-ominous-threats]

not a threat but what's a short story that you read somewhere between 6th grade and 10th grade (or in college literature class) that left you whispering 'what the fuck what the fuck' at the end and recovering for the rest of the day

[bitter-sweetener]

Bitter's Hellraiser Movie Review

Okay so, over this past weekend I watched every* single Hellraiser movie. There are 11 in total, 10 from the original franchise and 1 modern "reboot". I watched the very first one and Pinhead immediately became my newest hyper-fixation. I'm a freak weirdo into freak weirdo shit because my brain is a little funky. I will be posting my complete thoughts (+ analysis) under the cut. Short end of it: I loved it. It's a classic. Watch the first one at the very least. I think the reboot was really worth watching. You must have some whimsy to enjoy the rest. 6 + 7 are watchable but honestly the average viewer would not like any of the other movies. Do not watch Revelations. I love some really TRASH media, so you know that is truly a shit movie. Spoilers!

Okay. Now that the normies are gone, here we go.

I have said it once and I shall say it again, Pinhead is a psychological horror villain in a slasher movie world. I am aware of the books Hellraiser is based on, and also the comic books. Best believe I WILL be reading those as soon as I can get my grubby little fingers on them. Anyway here's my review:

Hellraiser: I love 80's horror aesthetics. I love anything with practical effects. But most importantly, I love the whole idea of Pinhead and the cenobites. I thought it was a very fun horror movie. The no skin makeup really weirded me out, not in a bad way but in a probably unintended way. I really fell in love with Pinhead. "The box! You opened it, we came." I love that Pinhead was ready too make a deal with Kirsty. Seemed flirty to me idk. (There is something about media about a sadomasochist wanting you that makes my brain go bur.) I feel like up until the point where the Cenobites appeared, this was going to be a slasher movie. Once you see that they can be reasoned with in some way? They hit that very yummy to me psychological horror field. I think that was the point where I needed to see more of him. My only complaint about the movie is that Pinhead wasn't in more of it. If you like Hannibal (tv), you'd like Kirsty/Pinhead and vice versa. 5/5 stars. Also Frank saying come to Daddy made me laugh so incredibly hard. Will re-watch this.

Hellraiser ii: Hellbound. This was a really good sequel. It picks up RIGHT where the previous one leaves off which I thought was nice. I'm so glad that they stuck a bit to the very obvious psychological horror route with this movie, letting Tiffany go free due to her catatonic state. "It is not hands that call us. It is desire." The cenobites aren't completely evil in that regard, and I think that is what truly makes for an interesting antagonist whereas Frank and Julia are kinda just shitty people. I REALLY WISH that they continued more on that route with the rest of the movies. I feel like they completely disregard that aspect of the Cenobites later which just makes the deaths boring after a while. But again I'm calling it a 5/5 stars from me. Will re-watch this. There's a moment with this weirdly wet baby doll on screen with sewn together lips? Seeing that sent me to a new dimension. Pinhead wants Kirsty soooooo bad. "We have eternity to know your flesh." Down BAD.

Hellraiser iii: Hell On Earth. I ship Terri and Joey. The scene in Joey's apartment??? Lesbian alert. Loved that. The weird baby returned but this time not wet, but dangling in a circle of barbed wire with a blindfold on. Fucking amazing. Who's idea was that. Who NEEDED that to be featured so desperately. Also I fucking love that Hell was like encased in this weird af art piece thing. I love that we got some Elliot in this movie! I think merging the two fully solidified that Pinhead isn't all beast. I thought it was fun watch. 5/5 also. I love this original trilogy as a trilogy. "I AM THE WAY." I loved the church scene.

Hellraiser 6: Hellseeker. I watched the movies out of order. This one is the most worth watching of the follow up movies just for continuity. But I thought it was very boring. The set up for this movie is more about taking you through someone else's specific hell and not just the act of being brought to it. I love that we get Kirsty back. Pinhead WILL get his girl. "You opened the door long ago and it will not be closed until I get what I came for. It was a nice closeout to her story, a nice little epilogue. I MAY re watch it, just for Pinhead, but probably not. 3/5. "Welcome to the worst nightmare of all. Reality." He was SO real for that omg. I love this franchise because a lot of it lets the female protagonists get revenge and I loooveeeee when women are vengeful.

Hellraiser 4: Bloodline. They are in space? And there's some lore of the box that is in the past and not in space? But this is honestly a shit film. I thought it was boring. The scene with the twins was GOOD. Perhaps the single good thing about that movie. But mostly I don't remember anything about it at all. 2/5. "I am so exquisitely empty." Yeah babe, so was this movie.

Hellraiser 5: Inferno. Similar to 6 in how its once specific guy's specific kind of hell. The male protagonists (?) suck in this franchise. It gave me a bit of a Hannibal (tv) vibe when the guy sits down with the therapist. I'm calling him "this guy" because I cannot be bothered to look up his name because it was so boring. Honestly I also BARELY remember this movie. 2/5 "Welcome to hell." I do really think Hannibal would like Pinhead. They would just love each other's work I think. I started daydreaming about a Hannibal and Hellraiser crossover. Because as mentioned, I AM a freak weirdo.

Hellraiser 7: Deader. STUPID NAME for a movie. That being said I enjoyed this one! Like a fair amount. Another great female protagonist. I really liked seeing her gathering evidence to investigate. I hated the cult leader type guy. I just thought he was fucking stupid. If it wasn't a Hellraiser movie I may have liked it more. Because the Cenobites are kind of just there? This would work as a better stand alone type of horror cult movie. I think Hellraiser was just trying out all kinds of troupes and whatever. "You should be very careful what you wish for. It just might come true." 3/5 I remembered the plot this time.

Hellraiser 8: Hellworld. This is just a slasher film that they glued Pinhead into the end of. It was giving SAW vibes at one point. With the chair with the blades that sever the arteries in your neck. I don't particularly like Saw. Just doesn't tickle me. I will admit to fast forwarding through bits of this because I just did not care all that much. I watched it only so I could store the scenes with Pinhead into my brain, and even that part was like eating holographic meatloaf. 1/5.

Hellraiser 9*: Revelations. There is that * again! Did you forget about it? Yeah I got 5 minutes in, said yo why is this SO BAD, read that this film was rushed and made mostly to keep the licensing, and then PROMPTLY shut that shit off. 0/5. Negative one million. If I opened the box, the hell I would be dragged into would include being forced to watch this movie.

Hellraiser 10: Judgement. Better than the 9th movie that's for sure. Once again, I cared very little for the man who's story the film this movie was ultimately about. These men genuinely have no personality outside of kinda just being a jackass. I did like the auditor. I thought he was pretty cool! I liked the visuals in this movie, very very gross and gory. I liked the idea of heaven sanctioned evil. I liked that Pinhead was like, lady I do not care who you are, fuck you and fuck that guy you were trying to save. I think it's stupid that he was sent to "reality" as punishment. I think it's stupid that he was punished for that. Free my boy from the confines of reality and allow him to experience the sweet pain of the flesh once more! 2/5 "After all, evil seeks evil." I also want to say that Pinhead being unwilling to strike a deal with this guy is further proof that Kirsty is special and that he should get his girl.

Hellraiser 2022: OKAY PINHEAD IS HOT. FEM PINHEAD IS SUPER SEXY. THEIR VOICE????!?!?!?!?! FUCKING WOAHHHHHHH. Also there is gay people!!! I love gay people. Honestly I thought this was a really compelling story. I think Hulu did the franchise justice. It was just very visually appealing. There were a lot of layers in a way, similar to how the first few movies had these layers of evil to them. I really liked that. I will watch this again. I just think it was a good movie. Voight's transformation was quite captivating at the end. I like that we had the Cenobites working with some kind of code again, like god intended. One of my favorite scenes is the one where Nora gets got. "...heaven. There's no music in that." It's just REALLY HOT sadomasochism vibes and I'm here for it. Maybe I'm just fucked up and gay though. 5/5 stars. It was worth getting through the bad movies for this beautiful creation.

If you read this whole thing I love you and I'll see you in hell <3

[shion-yu]

Day 27 - Hypnosis (Alt 19)

Sometimes it's better to forget. Whumptober 2023! I’m using the @ailesswhumptober's prompt list. This story is about my OC Rey - here’s his profile if you’re so inclined: https://toyhou.se/23741197.rey (And yes this is the last one I forgot to post lol.)

On Rey’s eighteenth birthday, there was no party. No coming of age celebration. No announcement was made to the papers, although there were certainly unofficial ones reporting on the anniversary of the twins’ birth. Many of them noted that Prince Allistor had been out of the spotlight for years now while Princess Moira’s upcoming wedding was well publicized. The average citizen didn’t have the time to care all too much about royal life, but a good number did - especially the tabloid press. There were reports that Rey was dead, that he’d gone mad, or even that he’d done something to deserve being locked away in a tower for the rest of his life by the royal family.

To an extent, the rumor about being locked away wasn’t entirely false. Rey was unable to leave his bedroom in the castle, but it was for his own good. Otherwise Clerval was sure he would kill himself - either consciously or unconsciously. Ever since Rey had come back to him after two long years away, he’d been different. He’d never been charming, per say, but Rey had been able to hold his own very well before he was kidnapped. Now, he seemed to have lost all sense of himself and the world around him.

He wouldn’t eat or drink without being forced - that was the most pressing issue now and the thing that convinced the King and Queen that drastic measures needed to be taken or else they would have to accept that Rey was going to die. The boy hadn’t spoken a word in a week other than fevered ramblings when he was half asleep. He couldn’t answer questions and didn’t follow commands. He was simply a shell of a person, unable to mentally escape from whatever prison he’d been held in for far too long.

Hypnosis as a medical treatment was not standard, nor was it encouraged in the kingdom for obvious reasons. But Rey’s parents had exhausted every traditional means of trying to cure their son of his catatonic state and they had run out of other options. The head doctor worked tireless hours to ensure the method was perfected - as perfected as something that had never been done and recorded before could be - waiting until he was confident enough to try it on Rey.

“He might still remember some of it,” the doctor warned. “Or it might not work and he could remember all of it. I could erase too much accidentally. I don’t know if he’ll forget how to do things like read and write. And who knows how long any of this will last.”

Despite all of this preface, the decision was made to try anyway. Rey’s eighteenth birthday was spent getting his memories wiped of the past two and a half years. All they could do was hope for the best. Rey’s twin sister Moira was in the room as it happened, staring disdainfully at her weak brother.

Rey slept for an entire month. It was touch and go for a while; maybe he’d never wake up. Clerval was his most frequent bedside companion, holding Rey’s hand and stroking it in the hopes that someday, he’d see those bright blue eyes open again.

Finally, one day, they did. Rey was very weak and didn’t speak right away, but he was awake and that was enough to fill Clerval with much needed hope for the future.

It took time for Rey to begin speaking, another several weeks. When he did, his voice was very hoarse and quiet - but that was more than welcome. Besides, anything was better than the feral screaming he’d been doing before he had gone completely silent. The first thing he said to Clerval after regaining his voice was, “Where am I?”

“You’re in your bedroom, Rey. In the castle. You don’t remember?”

“No, I remember,” Rey said, shaking his head. He seemed to be sleepy, but sure of himself. “Who’re you?”

“Clerval. Your best friend.” Had Rey really forgotten him? Clerval felt like he couldn’t breathe until Rey spoke again.

“Oh yes,” Rey said. “I knew that too.”

Clerval’s eyes filled with tears and he took one of Rey’s hands in his own. “Are you really back with me, Rey?”

Rey looked confused, half-asleep. “Did I go somewhere?”

It had worked.

[veliseraptor]

I've just read your recent post and I have to admit I never thought about Song Lan killing Xue Yang in CQL as an ultimate act of mercy. It's true that Song Lan didn't exactly have a satisfied expression while dealing the last blow, but the idea of him having mercy for Xue Yang never crossed my mind. I've always thought he killed Xue Yang out of revenge for his family and Xingchen (while obviously ignoring the fact Xue Yang had feelings for Xingchen). Now you made me have a sudden epiphany lol Do you think Song Lan witnessed Xue Yang's suffering during all those years he was stuck with him as a fierce corpse? Did he realize how deep Xue Yang's feelings for Xingchen were as much as his regret? Pls elaborate ;3

oh boy anon you have activated my "opinions about the relationship between Song Lan and Xue Yang after the former's death" mode, I'm sorry and also you're welcome! aka this is something that I have a lot of opinions about, and a lot of them are specifically about how it's really fucking complicated and there's a lot going on for Song Lan, emotionally.

as you note, when Song Lan actually kills Xue Yang he is...not happy about it. I mean, not even just not happy he actively looks miserable about it.

(in the back of my mind: SUCK IT, WEI-QIANBEI, MY FIERCE CORPSE CAN CRY)

some of that is just that...well, it's too late for this to fix anything, everything is awful anyway and ultimately his killing Xue Yang is almost a meaningless footnote in the wake of everything else - it's a hollow victory at best. I'm not saying that there's nothing of vengeance in Song Lan's killing Xue Yang! I'm sure there is! certainly I think he wants that to be the case.

but at the same time...there's a couple other things that I think are going on.

the first: Xue Yang at this point is completely fucking wrecked. not only is it the case that even if Song Lan didn't stab him he'd probably bleed to death anyway in pretty short order, there's also just...the emotional state, too, which I think I described once as "he's been running on fumes and desperation for about eight years and he is all out of fumes and desperation." killing him at this point is pretty much just...finishing something that's already effectively over, and arguably more kindly than continuing to drag it out for as long as it might take for Xue Yang to die on his own.

the second...yeah, I do think that Song Lan at least has some awareness of the years when he was fierce corpsing it around with nails in his head. I go back and forth on how much awareness, or how clear it is, but generally speaking I think of him as being sort of...semi-conscious, in and out, clear enough to have some actual memories and more emotional impressions. furthermore, I would not be surprised if (though this is thoroughly headcanon territory) there is some kind of resonance between a fierce corpse and its maker just...metaphysically - the fact that Wen Ning responds to Wei Wuxian and no one else even when he is entirely catatonic is potentially an argument in favor of this. so there's sort of...sympathetic vibrations, potentially, between Xue Yang and Song Lan through that period of time, which means some more intense awareness of the person at the other end of that connection, whether he likes it or not.

taken together, those things with the fact that Xue Yang and Song Lan have, at this point, spent more time together than either of them did with Xiao Xingchen (a thing that still! kills me!!!)...I just don't think that Song Lan's Xue Yang feelings are as straightforward loathing as would be easier. I think there's an unwilling understanding, and a knowledge of shared grief, and if nothing else then at this point, in this moment, at least a little bit of pity.

it's a delectable mix of "I hate you but I understand you and when you're dead I'm going to be the only person left who cared about Xingchen the way that we both did, no matter how little I want to acknowledge that you cared for him too." it's a bitter, unwanted grief.

but he's not going to not kill him, even if it was likely that Xue Yang would survive, which it isn't, at least not without serious intervention. (tracking the punishment Xue Yang takes through that fight is, uh, certainly something.) but killing him is...yeah, I think the vengeance component feels pretty hollow. mostly it's just the punctuation at the end of a sentence - and, at least a little, a release for a man who has nothing left.

so I guess...I'm not saying it's a kindness, or, like, an act of grace - it's not mercy in that sense. it's - god, this feels ugly, but it's like euthanasia of a sick animal: ending suffering that can't be mended, on the one hand, and on the other side of the coin getting rid of a burden. both, simultaneously.

do I think Song Lan hates Xue Yang? yes. do I think he will miss him? actually, in some weird and awful way, yes.

[amarias-yandere-blog]

When you say you aren’t theirs

Girls edition pt 1

Will not include the youngest girls or Aloy because I really don’t think Aloy as a canon character I’m sorry not sorry

A/n: this will be split into two parts as there are FAR more female characters in Genshin XD. Besides, if you’re like I am and only read for certain characters, it’ll be easier to find those I’ve already written for. Pt one ends at Lisa in alphabetical order. I learned how to do cuts btw :D

A/n: also screw it I’ll add tags later when I’m energized enough for it

Amber

“Oh… I see…” Amber will sound sad and she’ll be so crestfallen that you can’t help but hug her. Which is a mistake.

As soon as you find your way into her arms, she’s got you in a tight lock with cuffs around your hands and a smirk on her face as she adjusts her goggles.

“But you are mine! I can’t stop thinking about you! You’re mine and I’m yours!”

Barbara

Barbara hums. She gently hums while coming ever closer, her smile a little too… calm.

With a gentle tap on your chest you’re suddenly finding yourself covered with water and freezing.

“Oh my! We’d best get you cleaned up!” She’ll exclaim. But with that smile and hand pulling you tight, comes the thought.

Just how to get Y/n to accept the truth.

Beidou

Beidou will frown. She’ll near you with all of her strength and confidence as a captain.

For she has tamed the highest seas and the worst of storms.

She’s sure to tame you.

So she’ll put a hand on your chin, gently smiling, expression full of love.

Until you look closer. It’s unhinged, obsessive, and will do anything to keep you.

This woman killed a sea serpent with one fell swoop. She is highly respected, and she’s even gained the respect of the highly respected qixing of Liyue.

To run from her is to run from a hurricane.

If you struggle in her grip, she’ll put a hand on your shoulder.

“Poor Y/n… you’ve been so stressed, so… hurt lately. Let me take care of you, where you can recover. After all… the open seas are the best way to get one’s thoughts in order.”

If you’re wondering… Kazuha will notice. He’ll be unable to help outright though. This is the captain we speak of. Any funny moves and your only partial safe haven will be sent back to Inazuma with cuffs on his hands. That is a promise.

After all, you belong to Beidou. And only Beidou.

Eula

She’s already planning her vengeance. But instead of it being a joke, it’s a heavy mess in her mind.

It’s a sending to slaughter. And a sending to be saved by her, naturally.

When you get bloody and bruised only to see ice and the graceful movements of a Favionen captain, relief’s the first thing.

After that? That’s up to Eula. She’ll scold you, demand that you never leave her side again.

I mean just look at yourself. You’re a mess, you can’t stand, and you’re sobbing!

When you nod, the message drove home, Eula has you where she wants you. She will pull you into her arms, gently wiping away blood on your cheek with a handkerchief.

“I’m sorry my dear. You’re just too precious to me to be lost…”

Fischl

“You dare disrespect the Prinzessin der Verurteilung?” She’ll ask. Her delusions only increase as you insist upon it.

Oz will appear without her call. He will hesitate.

But when she snarls, nails digging into her hands, Oz will sigh, send a helpless glance your way.

And electro will go up and down your body. Mindless raffle will spurt from her lips.

All of it until you’re shaking, crying, whimpering and finally in a catatonic state for her to manipulate.

Ganyu

This one is a tame tame yandere. Whether it’s because of her adeptus nature to protect, or her need to be loved, she cannot hurt you in anyway or form.

She will, however, manipulate you into you calling yourself hers.

And when she hears that she will beam so happily and ask for you to say it again.

Being the kind, loving, warm, sweetheart you are, how are you to refuse her?

She gets you without your knowledge nor notice.

She is the adeptus who has served Liyue through sweat and tears for thousands of years. Doesn’t she deserve you?

Hu Tao

To even speak those words is a mistake. It is a sham, it is a begging to be burned.

Of which she will gladly do, if it means educating her beloved darling.

When you’re sobbing from the marks if her burns and begging her to stop, she’ll smile an unrecognizable smile.

“Tell me again. Who do you belong to?”

“…You.” You’ll sob out, earning a nod from the girl above you.

“That’s right!”

Much like Beidou’s situation, Zhongli will notice your situation. But I see Hu Tao going under a contract with him to force him to silence.

Hu Tao may not know he is the god of contracts, but she does know he is a man of his word. And his word is his bond.

Jean

Oh my. Poor Jean can’t take those words. She’ll go into a stupor, a sobbing mess, any type of emotional breakdown you can think she will do.

Jean may be a composed character- but that is only when it comes to her work.

Her yandere state is highly emotional. It is how she keeps composed in battle and keeps a grasp upon you.

The guilt of making her sob, sit there hands on her face, or otherwise is enough to manipulate you into taking back those words.

When you do, she’ll look up, bloodshot eyes and all, with a desperation in them.

“You mean it?”

Kamisato Ayaka

The Shirasagi Himegimi is not known to show her emotions in high stress situations. That includes when her darling is being… stubborn.

Yet another of the desperate to be loved yandere gang, but far more calm about it.

If you read this post then you’ll know she’s a patient woman. She will wait until a unfortunate accident befalls you, or sickness, etcetera.

Patience is her forte now. After all of the time she’s put into her sword, her poetry, and other such that is expected of a young noble lady from the Kamisato Clan, she has perfected the art of patience.

She knows that she’ll get what she wants.

Ayato, her brother, and Thoma will likely notice that you’ve been kept locked up for some time now. Or that they haven’t seen you in a bit. But they’ll stay quiet.

After all, who would notice someone so inconsequential to the eyes of the gods?

Keqing

Keqing will dive into her work with a new vigor to her. She’ll try to ignore you at every possible moment.

Try to forget.

But it is impossible.

She will eventually need you as though she has been walking the deserts for days, you being her oasis.

So when she shows up unexpectedly at your doorstep in the night, eyes dark, you don’t know what to expect.

You should’ve ran. Not even opened the door.

Kujou Sara

Naturally, as a general, she knows how to drill her soldiers into a tight knit ball of perfection.

The same is for you.

She’ll order you to repeat the words until your throat is hurting and until you can barely say them.

Then she’ll ask if you truly believe them.

If you say no, the drill ends there. But if it’s a yes…

She’ll have you say them over and over even more.

Until you say no.

Lisa

“You feeling alright, cutie?” She’ll chuckle, putting a hand on your forehead.

Best to run then and there.

If you don’t, you’ll find yourself in her quarters, being read to while lightning ripples through your body, breaking you wholly.

Like many find out from experience, Lisa is not to be trifled with. Unfortunately for you, you got far too close, so the offense is much deeper in her heart.

Maybe if you beg her to stop, she will. For an hour, at least.

[baristabomb]

MARINEFORD SPOILERS PT. 2

I read some responses and now I have even more to say about why Ace should still be a part of the story and shouldn’t have died.

Someone said that magma isn’t even hotter than fire and that there have indeed been characters who survived injuries of equal gravity to Ace’s and survived anyways. Luffy for example getting poinsoned in Impel Down. Literally it could’ve been like maybe Ace was about to die from the injury but Law could have helped him like he did w Luffy. Luffy could’ve avoided going into a catatonic state with the knowledge that Ace could be helped and after Law comes to get them off the island it could’ve been the final stretch in the journey to save Ace. One last “will he make it” anxiety. And in that time it could’ve been used for Luffy to have that character development Oda apparently wanted so bad for him and felt was so necessary with just the fear that he wasn’t strong enough to save his brother w/o actually losing him. And in that time reminisce about their childhood days.

The way I’m imagining it with Luffy quietly sitting hunched over waiting for the results of Ace’s recovery reminds me of the time he was waiting for Ace and Dadan to come back from fighting Bluebeard so it could’ve been a nice little cinematic parallel even.

Not to mention the fact that Oda went through all that trouble to make it seem like being the son of Roger would be such a big deal and then killed him despite being a part of that lineage and everything Rouge went through to give birth to him in the first place. Reducing him to angst fodder and making it feel like he really did deserve to die by being Rogers son instead of having him survive his execution, which they wanted to do because he was Rogers son, and grow better for it. But no. If Oda was going to end up killing off Ace anyways, maybe it could’ve been during the final battle between Luffy and Blackbeard and he could’ve helped in that fight and died then. Even redeeming himself at least a bit after their devastating fight that “almost” got him killed. That would’ve been way more honorable and make way more sense than him dying at his execution site after everything everyone went through to save him and he still would’ve been able to do something and finally be properly utilized as a character.

Someone else said that the matchup of Akainu’s heat-based power killing Ace makes his death more relevant, but I feel like narratively it would’ve been more significant if Whitebeard died to Akainu since they all went there to save Ace in the first place so a heat-based power like Ace‘s killing Whitebeard would be as if Ace himself killed him by getting caught in the first place.

I can imagine it now like after they all get away, Ace ends up crying because he was indirectly the cause of his real father‘s death. And instead of going on another revenge mission, he learns from his experience w Blackbeard and knows that that’s not gonna solve anything if the opponent is stronger than him (especially if he’s alone, taking the Bluebeard incident into account since he needed Dadan’s help to take care of him) so he uses it to get development himself and he gets revenge an the eventual final battle

Honestly after Marineford Marco could’ve taken over the Whitebeard pirates instead of them just disbanding, and someone made a good point that Ace could be the second in command, I say after he takes another level in chilling out and works on his hotheadedness, but yeah and they could even show up to help in Wano like Marco has, and we could see how Ace is doing after those two years??

AND LUFFY COULD BE LIKE “ACE GUESS WHAT SABO’S ALIVE I MET HIM IN DRESSROSA!” and if Ace came back in Wano it would be pretty satisfying and not too soon at all. Whole Cake happening between Dressrosa and Wano makes sense as a break between Luffy meeting Sabo again. Oh also Reverie I forgot about that. Speaking of Reverie, that’s where Sabo supposedly got his dumbass killed or captured so it could be there’s another arc to save Sabo (if he’s still alive), introduce Ace to the rest of Luffy’s crew and see how it’s grown and have a nice fun time traveling together temporarily, and have the three brothers eventually reunite (and then go their separate ways again until a possible big Blackbeard battle) but no :///. I feel like Oda might have Luffy go save Sabo after Wano as “redepmtion” for Marineford.

Ace dyin doesn’t feel like it had an impact on the new era or the old era because literally nothing has changed as a result of his death while whitebeards did after he announced the one piece is real. Not even Luffy changed except for getting stronger which he would have done either way. I am reminded of the moment after Ace learned about Sabo‘s “death” he tried to rush out to kill the celestial dragon who did it, but Dadan had to stop him and tie him to a tree saying his death wouldn’t mean anything if he’s just some no name kid and he would be killed before he could even lay a hand on the celestial dragon. Maybe after getting provoked by Akainu and rushing in, it could’ve been Whitebeard who shielded Ace from getting killed instead, and everyone else has to drag him back to keep him from making the same mistake and he could’ve learned from that moment? Like Luffy coulda been like “ACE NO!” (instead of getting distracted by the vivre card) and Whitebeard comes in time to stop him w his body like Ace did for Luffy. Ace wouldn’t know exactly what happened until he sees Whitebeard’s cape burning because of the hole Akainu punched through his stomach, ultimately solidifying all of the efforts everyone put towards saving Ace in the first place. The one injury Whitebeard got to his back would be from protecting one of his children, as it was made a big deal that he never got a scar on his back from running away or whatever. A fitting end. How did he die again? Just getting stabbed a bunch? Idr.

Also if Whitebeard had died while Ace still lived, it wouldn’t be Ace suffering alone. He would’ve had the rest of his crewmates to grieve with. It would be completely different from what Luffy went through because he was basically alone. He only had his crewmates in thought and they didn’t know Ace like he did anyways. And if Whitebeard sacrificed himself for Ace then Ace’s tattoo wouldn’t have gotten destroyed and he could have cleanly continued Whitebeard’s, legacy bringing the his name into the new era.

It’s not like to be a pirate you have to want to become Pirate King because that wasn’t Ace or Sabo’s goal in the first place as they just wanted to be free. And while Luffy himself isn’t really carrying on any legacy of Ace’s in the current arcs (kinda is in Wano), it’s not like anyone wants to see his character become focused entirely on Ace in the first place. We want it to be about him and the Strawhats like its always been (personally I’d be more interested in a series about the ASL brothers but you know).

So what I’m sayin is what I have already been sayin. Ace didn’t need to die 😔

[pocketfulofrogers]

Love Me Anyways

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: What is there to say? You’re a dark and twisty assassin and Steve Rogers is definitely... not that. When you get an opportunity to run, will you take it?

Notes: Tiny bit of smut and angst with a happy ending. If you feel like you’ve seen/read this before, you may have. I’m reorganizing and this was previously part 1 of Haunted Woman, Broken Lover. When I originally wrote this, it was meant to be a one off, but sad endings don’t always feel right. I then struggled to turn it into a series, so here is HWBL reimagined with a different ending as a one shot. The series will still be a thing, but now I actually feel good about it!

They call you a ghost. It isn’t for the way you seem to slip through walls or the way you look at death as a reflection. It’s the hollowness of your eyes that earns you the nickname. Hazed over orbs coated in grey.

Clint asks you if they’ve always been that color, you tell him you can’t remember anymore.

Fury lets you run your own thing after you agree to attach yourself to the badge. He’d rather not know how exactly you get the job done, so long as you’re on their side.

You’re solo most of the time, it’s better that way.

They learn quickly how deadly you are, leaving your enemies questioning the validity of your existence and holding the same vacant stare as you. It wasn’t just physical injuries you specialized in.

The first time you met Steve Rogers was an accident. You had a rogue Armenian scientist tied up in his basement. He had been about to run when you appeared at his kitchen table, and, for a moment, you thought a heart attack might get him before you could.

You were sat before him, leaned forward with your tools on a bench beside you. A small blade aching to break skin sat hot between your fingers, but so far, your words had been enough. Steve opened the door, barreled down the steps, and stopped in his tracks. You locked eyes with him and, in a flash, you saw something hauntingly familiar within the blue.

That’s when something inside you shifted.

He took one look at the scene before him and shut it down immediately. You slipped away when he called it in and left no trace of your existence except for a long thin line gushing red from the scientist’s throat.

Steve find’s the plans for a chemical attack on his desk that night and where to find each accomplice wrapped in a pretty bow of nylon. Alive, your note assures him.

“She’s like a cat. Brings home dead things to show her affection.” Clint says one day. You promptly shove an elbow in his gut.

He learns how to spot your work past blubbering grown men and catatonic stares. Natasha tells him you hold your liquor well, Clint comments on your gambling abilities. He asks if your eyes are naturally that color, they tell him you don’t like to answer that question.

Later he asks Fury how they found you. He’s not sure how you became what you are today, but he knows this world has not treated you well, yet here you are, working to protect it regardless of what had been done to you. That’s the only reason he didn’t order Clint to take you out.

“So, she’s good?” Steve asks.

Fury pauses for a moment. “For our sake, I hope so.”

The next time you see Steve Rogers, you’re slinking through the Triskelion halls trying to stick your nose somewhere it probably doesn’t belong. He bumps into you, grabs your arm and your side to steady you. You know he can feel the scars beneath the thin material of your shirt and jump from his touch.

He shakes it off. “Tell me,” He starts. “Do you have an actual name or are you really just a ghost.”

You think for a moment. “Y/N.” He raises a brow, both your voice and an answer surprising him. “What, were you expecting a cryptic answer on the relativity of life and death or something?”

He chuckles. “Guess not.”

A moment later, he gets distracted, turns a way for a split second and then you’re gone.

“Yeah, she does that.” An agent passing by comments.

You continue on your path, leave him the gift of a solved problem on his desk sometimes. He sets up cameras and lasers, trying to catch you just once. It takes him a few months to realize the janitor drops the files and notes for him. You and Natasha laugh at his expense.

He starts to leave files in various places he knows only you could find. The worst of the worst. Men and women he thinks you’d be happy to cross off. You can’t tell if he leaves them for you, or because they’re just terrible people. Either way, the change in narrative surprises you, but you never bring it up. You’re the last person that would ever judge someone.

Natasha taunts him over it.

“It’s a modern-day love story with an assassin twist.”

“Why not that one?” “She doesn’t like Oklahoma.” “How do you know that?”

“She sent booze as thanks for your last tip. Are your cheeks seriously red right now, Rogers?”

Eventually, you concede and stop leaving him only the locations of gift-wrapped bodies with detailed lists of committed crimes. Complete with proof, of course, you weren’t lazy. You start to send him alive leads, people that can be questioned. Sometimes they’re unharmed, usually they’re mostly coherent. He’s surprised by the change in narrative, but he never brings it up. Sometimes people change, but that was none of his business.

Natasha is sure to point it out, though, consistently.

“You see him more than anyone else.” “That’s not true!” “…” “He’s here more than you, so it’s only by default.”

“Wait, you left that guy alive?” “Steve needs to question him.” “What about that one guy I needed answers from?” “You didn’t say please.”

“I’ve known you longer.” “He leaves me sex traffickers.”

When a body comes up dead that shouldn’t have, your signatures blatantly displayed, they send him to bring you in. He doesn’t believe for a second you could kill a kid, but he’s the only one who can get close enough. Fury’s only half sure you won’t kill him.

You battle with the idea of running, knowing they’ll never find you if you don’t want them to. You saw the evidence; you knew you were screwed. Fury told you from the very beginning that if he ever sensed you had turned, he’d take you out. No warning, no questions. Still, you wait patiently in your living room.

The window by the fire escape opens and Steve slides through, tip toes his way in and around the corner only to find you sitting there, an amused smirk tugging your lips.

“What calf exercises do you do? They look fantastic.”

He rolls his eyes and catches site of the artwork around him, the soft whites and greys of your walls and furniture giving spotlight to their colors. He never even considered you could have a home. You follow his gaze and shrug. Assassins can have taste too.

“The diplomat’s son, did you kill him?” He asks. You watch him silently. “Fury thinks you did.”

You walk slowly towards him, watch him curiously and tilt your head. “And if I did?” You prompt.

“I have orders to bring you in.”

You’re a breath away now, gliding your fingers along the Kevlar of his arm and trailing your way to his jaw. You trace his collar with a fingertip, watch as the pulse of his jugular quickens. You look up at him and he swallows thickly.

“And if I don’t want to?” You graze tentative fingers along the edge of his jawline. “Tell me, Captain, would you kill me?”

He hopes the eagerness in your voice is misplaced, the envy misinterpreted. Or perhaps the girl who surrounds herself with death does it with the idea that it may one day take her.

You don’t give him the opportunity to dive into that rabbit hole.

When you place your lips on his, soft and remnant of something sweet, he can only taste the brilliance of life. He wraps himself around you, slips in his tongue when you’re startled by his sudden switch. You thought you’d leave him shaken enough to slip away, disappear with the rising sun.

But now? Now you’re just as hungry for him.

He carries you, lays you across your bed. He runs the pad of his thumb along every scar left behind by a blade, places a kiss on each one from a bullet. You knot you fingers in his hair as he drags his tongue up the inside of your thigh, scream his name when he brings you higher than you’ve ever been before.

When he slides into you and stretches you deliciously so, you allow yourself to feel just this once. He catches the shift in your eyes, convinces himself his mind is playing tricks on him when the grey haze appears to fade.

He moves slow before he finds his pace. You dig fingernails into his back and trail them down hard enough to make him hiss. He nips you from shoulder to jaw, hips rocking into you, and you swear nothing has ever felt this good.

You lay there in silence, sweat coated limbs still entangled. He sighs heavily and you just know he’s about to ruin the moment.

“Stay.” You whisper. He looks down at you wrapped around him. “I’ll go with you in the morning, just stay tonight.”

He tightens his grip on your bicep and nods. “Ok.”

You’re still awake when dawn breaks, you had gotten lost in the simple rhythm of his heartbeat. A dream that one day life could be even just an imitation of normal. The thought makes you sad more than anything else.

You slip from his arms, grab a bag, and pack the essentials. Watching him sleep, he seems so peaceful, so good. You ache to wake him and stick around long enough to fix this mess. He deserves that.

Could you do it? Forget your past and pretend to be anything other than the hollow shell those before carved you into?

Ah, but this was your MO. Slip away in the dark when things took a turn either way. ‘Flight risk’ has always been written on the back of your eyelids. You weren’t quite sure why you felt you owed Steve more, but you did.

He awakes to a bright sun and a cold spot beside him. There’s a torn piece of paper where your head should’ve been. He brushes his thumb over his name and opens it. It states your innocence and exactly who he should be looking for, where to find them. At the bottom is a separate line.

‘Careful, Captain, or I just might be your future.’

Three years later.

You grab the tiny umbrella in your drink to twirl the ice around again. Undoubtedly a nervous habit you picked up in response to the very crowded beach bar you’re currently sitting at.

It was an alert you received in the middle of the night notifying you of your cleared name a year ago. You can’t be sure how whoever it was reached you, but the screenname ‘Tiny Dancer’ gave you a few ideas.

In that moment, reading those last two words you’re free, something changed. Perhaps it was months of being on the run from people who you allowed to know you well enough to track you that left you felling so drained. 

Of course, you thought about the beautiful man you left behind first, knowing that there was no one in this world who would fight harder for your freedom. You wanted to go find him, you really did, but you couldn’t deny the fact that you felt different this time. Like maybe this was your chance to start over. A chance to live a life that had been stolen from you so long ago. 

The bartender, a lovely middle aged man who strictly wore floral button ups, watches you down the rest of your drink and is quick with the refill. You try to thank him, but he waves you off.

“Anything for my favorite customer.” 

You push your bottom lip out in an exaggerated pout. “Are we not friends by now?”

He barks out a laugh and leans forward against the bar in front of you. “Friends get invited to drink with me, which you do almost everyday. Family gets invited to the cookout. Which is Sunday, by the way. Show up early and bring an appetite.” He shoots you a playful wink before pushing off to help another customer. 

You lean your head back slightly to feel the warmth of the sun and tune into the sound of the crashing waves. It’s the lightest you think you may have ever felt with the sand sticking to your bare legs and salt water in your hair.

Nothing could interrupt this perfectly blissful moment. 

Well, almost nothing.

“Sand looks good on you.” A deep voice says beside you and you smile, face still tilted towards the sun.

“Took you longer than I thought.” You turn to Steve still smiling. “How long can you stay?”

He moves his sunglasses from his eyes to the top of his head and looks around for a moment taking in the view. When he turns back to you, the smile that breaks across his face almost stops your heart.

“As long as you’ll let me.”

[iaintyourbro]

The New Red Herrings: Biggs and Zack and How Avalanche Tells Us the LTD is Dead

Biggs and Zack are seemingly alive at the end of FFVII Remake Part 1 - so what does that mean? Will they live throughout the story? Maybe they’ll be like Wedge and escape death initially, only to be forced to face it shortly after?

There’s also interesting similarities on the death scenes of Biggs and Zack, A while ago I took screenshots of the “death” scene of Biggs and thought it was interesting how they had Biggs touch Cloud’s head and also made him promise something. 

And how are all these things connected to the LTD? 

Now, clearly, neither Biggs or Jessie had as dramatic of a death as Zack or Aerith. We actually see the initial injury or incident that causes each of them to die. Cloud comes upon Biggs while he’s already sitting down injured. Cloud and Tifa come to Jessie after she’s under the rubble and try to save her. 

We know Cloud pretty much loses it when Zack dies. He collapses mentally. He’s already been through enough shit to fill a lifetime, and now his only friend, his best friend, and the guy who saved his life, dies trying to get them back to Midgar. 

Why Zack is Important to Cloud

Relationship wise, Cloud obviously had a much deeper connection to Zack. At the point that Biggs dies, he doesn’t know any of that, but I think his death definitely triggers something in him. Biggs saw through Cloud’s front. We know Biggs dealt with the kids at the Leaf House, and most likely acted like a volunteer in the Big Brother program. He tells Cloud he’s got a lot in common with the kids at the Leaf House.

Zack had Cloud take on the responsibility to be his living legacy. Of course we all know he shuts down about five minutes later. Biggs had Cloud promise that this wouldn’t all be for nothing. In both cases, it doesn’t work out. He forgets what Zack told him and the Sector 7 plate still falls. 

Zack’s death has a major impact on Cloud - it’s ultimately what breaks him. It also gives us these really sad moments of somebody who’s already been through so much and is breaking now. 

Cloud is upset about Biggs. He was becoming his friend. The three Avalanche members really did accept Cloud and tried to be his friend. He was included with them - in most cases. Of course there’s the Avalanche party that he’s kicked out of (mind you - he does this to himself by acting like an ass to Barret and them) and then during Chapter 4, he’s separated to go steal Jessie’s dad’s ID. 

Ultimately, though, we know that Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie all like Cloud. They seem to see through the hard exterior pretty easily. So Cloud loses another person in his life.

The ending of FFVII Remake takes an interesting turn. Anybody who played OG or CC knows what is supposed to happen to Biggs and Zack.

But, Remake’s ending seems to imply that they survive the event that was supposed to take them out. 

Did Zack survive the last stand? Is this a case of the Last Stand in CC being combined with OG where as they walk away, Zack ends up getting shot anyway? 

So we also see Biggs.... wait, wrong picture.

That’s the right one. We get a shot of Charlie Sheen Biggs waking up in a bed in what looks like some type of either infirmary or large room. In OG, we know that all three of the Avalanche members die during the Sector 7 plate fall. In Remake, the only one we get confirmation on is Jessie, and that’s only in the Chapter description. 

Wedge we know survives until the Shinra building, where the Whispers ultimately take him out since he defied fate. 

So, what will happen to Biggs?

The biggest thing talked about seems to be the ending. Zack surviving created a lot of buzz. Is there a second timeline? Is he going to just simply walk another 10 feet and get shot in the back? Did her survive in the first place? Why does Stamp look different on that bootleg chip bag?

Will we have a beautiful Zerith reunion? 

In the OG, the Love Triangle illusion was the red herring. This was mostly to trick and distract the player to focus on something, so later they can destroy you with major twists. It also was used to get the player to like Aerith so her death would be more impactful. In addition, it makes the whole Northern Crater confession from Cloud about Tifa’s opinion being the only one that matters a slam in your face of holy shit what is going on?!

At this point, everybody and their mother knows Aerith dies. It’s not something that was kept a secret. It’s referenced in various materials. The one thing not openly referenced is what’s going on with Cloud. They never reference the Lifestream, the fake persona, or anything outside of the OG and Ultimanias. I think this is a shame since it’s such an important part of his character arc, but I get that they want to try and leave the element of surprise in play.

I think everybody would agree that the moment you find out Cloud was just a grunt that was WITH Zack during the Nibelheim incident is super powerful. I still get chills all these years later. Letting this be a well known thing would take away the element of surprise from new fans. Of course, people can go online and read blogs like this one and know all of this, but for somebody - especially future generations - who may just be looking for a new game to play, you’d want this element of surprise to stay in tact. 

We can’t use Aerith as the only red herring anymore, and we can’t use the love triangle. For many reasons. Everybody knows about it and the love triangle was a poor choice for something like this because some people missed the point completely.

Now, FFVII Twitter is always on fire. 

Also, even though the Lifestream and Cloud’s true identity are pretty well kept secrets in terms of printed media, most of the people who played FFVII Remake played the original game, they know what happens. People who were new and played Remake first most likely went and bought OG and played it. So now they know what happens. 

They knew this, or they probably wouldn’t have shown Cloud in this state, but even for those who don’t, the alternate timeline theory is born. Biggs enhances this theory because he’s alive too. How can Cloud walk past them AND be carried by Zack in some catatonic state?

It keeps us distracted. They want us to think that fate can be changed. In the case of Zack, they’re even saying that the past can be changed. 

Ultimately, whatever they do, it’ll be shocking to most players. I do trust that the devs aren’t being deceitful when they say they are going to keep the major plot points the same and FFVII will be FFVII going forward. Part 1 keeps major plot points but adds substance to a lot of things. They took out unnecessary parts and enhanced others. They also removed a lot of the love triangle stuff. 

Another striking thing with all of this is the Jessie factor. The Chapter screen tells us she died - it only says Biggs was seriously injured. That hasn’t stopped speculation.

The ending shows gloves on the table next to Biggs’ bed and a lot people said oh it’s Jessie’s left glove! And it does appear that it is. There’s only one glove. To me, this seems like they recovered her body and were able to pull of some personal affects of hers to leave with Biggs. Both articles look damaged or faded. 

Faded could mean they’ve been sitting in the sun for a while. The incident happened a few days ago, though we don’t have a definitive time on when we’re shown Biggs. This could be a future look.

They also could simply be damaged and full of dust from the plate collapse. 

It is implied in Chapter 4 if you listen to the conversation between Jessie’s mom and the gang that Biggs and Jessie have a different relationship than Wedge and Jessie. 

I have some thoughts on what this may mean:

Biggs is Jessie’s BFF and her mom likes him.

Jessie and Biggs dated at one point and decided to not tell her mom that they no longer are or that its casual.

Jessie’s mom was hounding Jessie about finding a man so she picked Biggs to be her pretend boyfriend and he agreed.

Biggs and Jessie are secretly dating and only her mom knows.

Which one do I think it is? Well, knowing Jessie, I can definitely see her doing #3. I can absolutely see her acting like Biggs is her boyfriend to get her mom off her back. I think #1 and #2 are also huge possibilities. #4 is far fetched, but they could cover it up by having Jessie flirt relentlessly with Cloud and appear to be single. 

Some people think that Jessie will end up at the Gold Saucer singing. Personally, I really hope not. If they keep a bunch of people alive (even if it’s for a short amount of time), it really takes away one of the major themes of FFVII which is death and moving on. In addition, I think it’s too many people they’d need to kill off later. Jessie is a very popular character, so I hope they don’t take that as an incentive to change that aspect of the story. 

Aerith’s funeral and Jessie’s death are similar as well, so I think it is foreshadowing some things. 

We get a princess style carry here. Aerith and Jessie both get these in Remake. Jessie’s second one ends in her death. Will Aerith get a second princess carry by Cloud? Will it be to take her to her final resting place?

Maybe she won’t even go to the lake - maybe to the sky?

We know Tifa was super upset in OG, and they really don’t touch on it much. We only see her run away crying after this moment. You learn in Case of Tifa that she’s really upset about, but a lot of people don’t read Case of Tifa, so they only know this scene. 

We know that she gets very upset over Jessie’s death.

I think Aerith’s death will be much worse. 

It seems Jessie’s death is a reference to how Aerith’s death was handled in the OG.

Will it be handled the same? Maybe. I think they’re going to make it seem like she’s going to be okay, and then boom.

So the ending gives us hope that we have two friends that are alive. It makes us think that we can save Aerith. I do think Wedge’s death towards the end and comments that Red XIII made in Chapter 17 may also be hinting towards the fact that you cannot change the past and you cannot change fate. 

Over on Discord, @anesuna​ brought up a good point about Wedge’s cats. Biggums survives the plate collapse along with Wedge. The other two cats - Reggie and Smalls - sadly perish (::cries a lot::). This could also be a reference that Biggs survived while Jessie and Wedge do not. 

So what about the LTD?

I think this is a heavy reference to the old OG love triangle. Don’t fall for it! They’re warning players now instead of wanting them to fall for it. 

Why do I say this? Aerith seemed to think the love triangle was fun. Thing is, Cloud wasn’t all there at this point, so it was just an illusion. Since players didn’t seem to get that the first time, they’re going to make it clear now. There were a lot of aspects they seemed to take from Aerith and give to Jessie. Overly flirty (with Jessie they added thirsty) and being overly childish at times. Aerith in remake is still somewhat childish, but not completely.

Oblivious Cloud is Oblivious. Yeah, he was oblivious in OG that Aerith and Tifa had feelings for him. He has no idea what Wedge is talking about now. Earlier in this same conversation he thinks that Wedge is telling him not to come around because people will gossip about Jessie being in Avalanche, but the player knows really what he’s referring to...

I think this is probably a reference to the Gold Saucer date because of the stage part. I take things at face value and don’t really dig too deep, but I think this exchange with Wedge is supposed to tell the player not to fall for these false loves early in the game.

It’s brought up again during Aerith’s resolution scene.

Earlier Wedge said not to fall for Jessie’s trick, because it was a game to her. It wasn’t real love. Aerith is now telling her that if Cloud thinks he falls in love with her, it’s not real. 

We have two separate instances in the game where they’re telling you to beware of the false love. It’s two times the word love is used. 

After all of this, the ending presents us with two guys who should be dead that appear to be alive. One of them is directly connected to Aerith.

This was their way of trying to shut down the LTD and replace it with different red herrings. Will it work as well as the LTD? Well, it seems that the majority of FFVII Remake fans have talked about the ending.

Yes, a lot of people talk about the LTD, but I think the majority of players are more interested overall in what happens next and what’s up with Zack. I think the majority of the fandom is also ready for the LTD to officially be dead so we can actually focus on everything else and stop the madness. 

It’ll never fully stop, but at least it’ll be clear for anybody who plays the game and alleviate the bulk of the chaos. 

Say hello to your new red herrings: Biggs and Zack. 

Say bye to the LTD.

[beepbeepbobop]

Back again.

I was telling my friend (who isn’t a Baccano! fan, but listens to me ramble) about my take on immortals and Czeslaw, and I don’t know where to put it, so!  It goes here.  As a warning, this is mostly me rambling and probably treads ground that has been talked about a lot in the past, but I hope it’s interesting anyway.

(This and the Infinity Train post is not a sign that I’m going to be more active in the future.  Social media and the prospect of interacting with other people’s posts still make me anxious.  Maybe one day.)

So!  The first thing to keep in mind is that change is a major theme in Baccano!.  No one is incapable of changing, but people have different relationships with it depending on who they are.  Czes can't believe that he has changed seventy years after Isaac & Miria stealing him despite clear evidence that he has.  Meanwhile, Nile actively resists change:  His greatest fear after becoming immortal was that he would become desensitized to the loss of human life and begin to devalue it, so he spent decades fighting in active war zones so that he'd never forget the reality of death.  This backfired, and instead left him inured to loss of life...but it's clear that he doesn't want to be this way?  Realizing that he's gotten to the point where his expression doesn't even change if someone dies is devastating for him.  Chane is the opposite:  While it's absolutely for the best that she stops being a hitwoman and killing machine for her father, softening up is terrifying to her because then she can't serve her father the way she wants to.   Czes is on the opposite end of the spectrum, because he wants to be better because he thinks he's a bad person (later on, he decides that he's the only bad person left in the world.  Sir.), but can't recognize it because he doesn't feel different.

And...this is pertinent to the older immortals in particular - I'd argue even moreso than with the younger ones.  Aside from the fact that the Elixir literally stops you from changing in the sense of age or injury...it also has to place inhibitors on your brain.  Your brain is, after all, a physical part of your body!  There are some....weird aspects about immortality that no one is able to figure out (for example, immortals can give birth; someone also pointed out that there are no examples of crying in reverse even though that's also a part of your body), but it's still safe to say that the brain doesn't age either because then...then a lot of the cast would be catatonic from Alzheimer's.  Even without that, the human body can only retain so many memories.  If an immortal's brain had the ability to deteriorate over time or overload based off of the amount of memories it contains....well, I don't think any of the older immortals would be able to function.  Szilard definitely wouldn't be able to function (and neither would Firo after he devours Szilard) because Szilard has the memories of over a dozen people running around in his brain.  Which brings me to my next point:  If an immortal's brain functioned like a human's, devouring would not work as a concept.  One of the hallmarks of being immortal is gaining other people's memories.  Imagine the strain that would cause.  And yet, it doesn't seem to be a problem!  The chief worry of those who have devoured other immortals is worrying that having the memories of the other person might change you consciously or subconsciously.  This is Firo's concern over devouring Szilard.

So...the fact that the brain doesn't physically grow older or change (with some leniency given because real world science sure is iffy here)...feels relevant because, mn...

Many of the older immortals feel stagnant, or stuck in time.  Firstly, if the immortals changed at the same pace as a human being, I don't think most of them would be recognizable from one era to the other.  And yet, they are!  The Victor Talbot of the 1700s is clearly the same person as the Victor Talbot of the 1930s, albeit with alterations (because what kind of person would stay exactly the same after centuries?).  The answer to that question is Elmer, by the way.  Everyone comments on how he acts just like the Elmer they remember back in the day.  But Elmer is a special case, seeing as he's our local empty shell and probable sociopath (not that he has ASPD!  ASPD, sociopathy and psychopathy all present and function entirely differently from each other, which makes it....strange that they're lumped under the same umbrella - but that's another matter).  Secondly, immortals...Uhm, they all handle grief horribly, and seem to feel stuck in the past?  Maiza, for instance, acts starkly different from his past as a rebellious noble-boy gang member, but he's never forgiven himself for giving Gretto the information that led to his death.  (Gretto being his brother.)  Huey's overarching goal is to bring his dead girlfriend back to life, and he's been working towards this goal for centuries.  Sylvie, who admittedly was not an immortal when Gretto died, held off on drinking the Elixir until she was all grown up, then set out to finding Szilard to take revenge on him for killing the boy she had run away with.  This lasted for, you guessed it, centuries.

This isn't to say that immortals don't change, or even that they don't change drastically.  I mentioned Nile, who became inured to death after fighting in war for decades.  Czes went from a trusting, innocent child to someone paranoid and self-centered enough to try and get an entire train car's worth of people killed for his own safety to someone who wants to be a good person, but thinks he never will be and that there's something fundamentally wrong with him.  But changing appears to be very, very difficult, and happens over an extended period of time in response to extreme situations.

And...this is particularly relevant to Czes (who keeps coming up as an example because he's the main person I'm thinking about with this tangent) because....it arguably hits him harder than any of the others due to being a child.  Only the best decisions were made aboard the Advenna Avis, which includes letting the eight year old drink the immortality elixir.  But...mn.  It's one thing to be perpetually in your thirties, or twenties, or sixties, and another altogether to perpetually be eight years old.  Czes can't truly 'grow up' even though he has more life experience than most adults combined, and it shows in his extreme emotional reactions, his self-centeredness, ect.  There's a certain misconception about anime-only fans that he's an adult in a child's body, but I think it's easier to tell in the light novels that that's not the case, especially since you see what he's like back before the Advenna Avis.  (He is shy.  Very shy.  Did nothing wrong ever.)  Also, the fact that SAMPLE goes, "Yes!  The perfect sacrifice!" when they specifically take a child to target emphasizes this.  It's not proof - I'm pretty sure that SAMPLE would focus on his physical age as an 'eternal child', and may or may not have the resources to analyze him and go, "This boy is still eight years old in his head," - , but it hammers the point home.

Then...mn.  One thing that's stuck out to me ever since the start is how long Czes was with Fermet.  There's such a thing as learned helplessness, and it's not like Czes had anywhere to go, so that's not what is odd to me...especially when Fermet is known for manipulating people, and could definitely seed the idea that Czes can't go anywhere.  More than physical proximity, I think about how long Czes believed in Fermet.  It's explicitly stated that Czes absorbing Fermet's memories is what made him realize that - oh, Fermet was just sadistic and everything he said was an excuse.  And...I think this is both an example of being controlled in many respects, and....another example of an immortal being stuck in the past - but in a very, very different way.

First off, learning that the people you look up to want to harm you is...difficult at best, especially when you're younger?  But being mentally 'stuck' at a certain age would make things worse, because Czes is perpetually an age where it's natural to depend on a parental figure, and at an age where the brain isn't equipped to make those kinds of calls or realizations.  There's also the matter of cognitive dissonance!  Cognitive dissonance means a lot of things, but essentially, it's the idea that you have two conflicting beliefs, but the actions you take can retroactively alter your beliefs/place emphasis on one more than the other, as the mind is predisposed to reduce dissonance.  I...take issue with how cognitive dissonance is interpreted because many examples don't account for the beliefs or opinions not being equal in the first place, but that's not the point.  The point is that, as a child, the impulse to reduce dissonance is present while also being played against difficulty reading intentions, perceiving the world outside of yourself, and thinking critically.  (For what it's worth, abusers also tend to discourage critical thinking because it damages their narrative, which would also play a part.)   So, for example...

Say that, theoretically, Czes was yelled at every time he questions the idea that Fermet's intentions are right, or that maybe Fermet doesn't have his best interests in mind.  (Czes is insightful, and they lived with each other for a long time, so this probably happened at least once unless the text directly contradicts me.)  This is tame compared to the things we know about his time with Fermet, but ignore that.  The desire to not be yelled at would lead him to hurriedly agree later on, and cognitive dissonance means that you're inclined to try to make your beliefs agree with your actions.  In other words, the more he plays along, the more his brain tells him that he definitely believes this, and it makes perfect sense to!  Fermet has shown that he cares about him, and took him in after his grandfather died, so of course.  It only makes sense.  And it's even harder for him to bridge the gap to a different conclusion because of how difficult it seems to be for immortals to change.  It's only when Czes devours Fermet (or...or at least gets his memories) that everything snaps into place, because he can't reconcile that no matter how hard he tries (coincidentally, this also happens when he gets memories of being an adult, and while I seriously doubt that Czes went through Fermet's memories willingly, it kind of hammers my point about how difficult being eternally young would make things).  So of course he snaps as hard as he does.  It'd be kind of amazing if he didn't, honestly.

TLDR:  Being immortal made it even harder for him to recognize or comprehend his trauma.  Sorry for that.

[stxleslyds]

MY TOUGHTS ON PART ONE OF RED HOOD BY CHIP ZDARSKY :)

Finally I have read part one of the Red Hood story in Batman: Urban Legends!

This story is very interesting, we start with the Red Hood looking for the people who are providing Gotham with a new drug. This drug “Cheerdrops” has been passed around for weeks at this point and it has had devastating results among it's users. If you know Jason you understand that drugs are a big issue for him and one that he treats very carefully and seriously. 

As he interrogates people he arrives to the building where one of the dealers of this drug is supposed to be, there he finds a horrific scene, a boy is desperately trying to wake up his mother who appears to have overdosed in her bed. Jason is quick to call an ambulance and get in contact with Oracle in order to find the boy's father who is (as he finds out later) the man that he was looking for. 

Jason sees this scene and can't help but compare it to the time he went through this situation with his mom all those years ago, so he takes the boy with him so he can take him to his father, who Jason is hoping is a good man that had to sell drugs in order to help his family.

That's basically the premise of this first part of the story but now i will write about my thoughts on the specifics of the story.

The story begins with Jason giving a speech about fear and how it's used, 

"Fear. Its a tool, it's his tool. I never really adopted it, maybe because he kept that fear all to himself." Then he continues with "Never had to rely on it, had to work harder to take out the bad guys, had to be...more direct." he finishes that thought with "Rubber Bullets. So that fear doesn't get turned around on me."

I for one really liked this Fear speech, it does really sum up what the Batman does, he relies on the Fear that he imposes on Gotham's criminals and such while Robin on the other hand was never meant to work with fear, which is true.

It did remind me of the speech that Alfred gave in issue #10 of Under the Red Hood about how Batman works with fear and Jason had some thoughts on it, here is some of it, 

"Master Jason had a condescending practice of referring to the costumed criminals elements as 'dress ups'. He also noted that such individuals did not fear the Batman the way street thugs and mafioso did. The 'dress ups' did not believe he was a monster." "...the boy did say something to me that chilled me to the bone...even then. 'They all know he won't kill them.'"

Anyway let's go back to the actual comic I am talking about...

Jason speaks from his position as Red Hood in current time and says that he uses rubber bullets in order to keep the Bat at bay, the fear that the Bat uses against other criminals cannot be used against him if he plays within the Bat's rules.

As he was doing that he was actually trying to get info about who is making the drug but all he was able to get was who was selling it to the person he was interrogating. This drug is dangerous and Jason has to work fast. 

Here is where we see the first flashback scene, we see Jason in the cave before he was able to go out as Robin and he is not to happy about it. The art is very beautiful but sadly in these panels i found my first problem with the context of Jason becoming Robin and how Zdarsky seems to set Jason's feelings on the first Robin.

It seems that Zdarsky is going for the “Jason believed Dick was the perfect Robin and no matter what he did he would never be as good as him” route, which fine ok, that's your right but, is it really necessary? I must admit i am a little tired of this particular thing because i adore the fact that when Dick and Jason first met they were fine with one another (even if a little wary at the very start). And the whole competitive and “i will never be as good as X person” is really tiring in the Robin/Batfamily fandom.

That problem is not as significant as the next one though.

Jason not thinking that Robin was “badass”. Well this is not only a bad take but it's completely OOC for Jason, no matter how you see it. From his first appearance as Robin to the flashbacks in Winick's UtRH and even through both of Lobdell's runs Jason has always loved the concept and the mantle of Robin as a child. 

Batman v1, #385.

So that whole take is wrong, i don't like it and also who on this or any universe would rather call themselves Batboy? Honestly i hope this is never brought up again or i will cry. ((((Also in this house Robin will always be the name that Mary gave Dick and then he used as his hero name so it hurts a lot more))))

Also at the end of this first flashback Jason discovers a room full of firearms and is obviously surprised because Batman hates those so he asks why he has them, B responds that he has to understand how they work for his detective work, but that's not all he says, he also says this “...Guns are a coward's weapon, and we will not be cowards.”

Alright Mr. Zdarsky i see the irony... i also see the Daredevil / Punisher thingie right there.

Anyway we are now back to the present where we see Batman seeing the effects of the drug in one of its victims, after saving that person he takes some samples of the drug. We also get to see two police officers with different views on the “masks”, that's a nice way to set the story after the Joker War and before the Magistrate. 

Back to Jason, he seems to be struggling, he can't find the people making/providing the drugs in Gotham and is also doubting his skills, he tells a man that if the information that he gave him is incorrect he “will find him” followed with another internal speech full of self doubt, “...sure thing Red Hood, right now you can't even find a street drug. Half of Gotham's teenagers could find it no problem. You never were the best detective.”

Alright, so Jason feels insecure about his skills now? First you have pre-Robin Jason not feeling like he could be able to keep up with the first Robin and now, Jason as a grown man has doubts about the skills that he has used for a long while now? I mean, press X for DOUBT because UtRH showed us how much of a badass and extremely skilled he is. This man planed everything in order to turn the Bat's world upside down (and this story has references to UtRH so it definitely happened) and now he feels like he is not that good? 

Shit. i know where this is going, first the insecurities that he has already worked out... I can see it coming, the next big thing will be Daddy issues. Wonderful i hate it and i hope i am wrong because those “issues” are more than resolved, i know that's the only trope DC throws at Jason but honestly how different will it be this time?

Fine, lets move on. Jason finds himself in one of the apartments and what he sees is horrifying. Lying on a bed there is a woman completely catatonic with a horrible smile on her face and right next to her a terrified little boy.

Here is the best take on Jason's character so far. 

Realizing that the child is scared of the situation and the masked man that just came into his home Jason takes off his mask and reassures the kid that he is there to help, it's quickly made obvious that the woman has overdosed on Cheerdrops, he makes sure to call an ambulance for her stating that she seems to be in a  drug-related coma.

Its important to note that Jason is doing this as he is having troubling thoughts about how much this scene reminds him of the time he was in this little boy's (Tyler) shoes. Its hard for him but he soon realizes that he needs to make sure Tyler is safe. 

He asks Tyler if he has another parent, he does and his name is Andy, after taking a look around the house Jason deduces that maybe the father is also taking drugs so if the police comes they will surely take Tyler and put him in the system, this idea is not one Jason is fond of so he calls Oracle, he asks if she can locate Tyler's dad's phone, when she asks about the kid Jason says that he will be the one keeping him safe.

Now we find ourselves back with Batman where he is investigating the components of Cheerdrops, he finds out that the drug is a modified version of Scarecrow's fear gas that gives the victim a sense of extreme happiness instead of fear.

Here we get confirmation of when in the timeline this story occurs, which is after the events of Infinite Frontier (where there was an attack on Arkham and many patients/prisoners were killed or escaped).

B suggests to Oracle that maybe Crane didn't die there and that he might be behind this drug, he will be on the job right away! To this Oracle is like well shit, so she tells B that Jason is also working this case...and here comes a funny yet confusing interaction. 

Barbara says “I know you two aren't exactly friends right now but...” before she finishes Batman interrupts her by saying “He is a killer Barbara. I will do this alone.”

OH BOY is this interaction confusing! First of all may i point out how different this conversation is from the one in Three Jokers where the roles were basically reversed??? Please tell me that i am not the only one who finds that funny! Anyway that story doesn't matter here, but Red Hood Outlaw from Rebirth does, right?

Here is the thing, the last person that Jason “killed” in rebirth was Penguin and he actually didn't do it, he had him trapped in a panic room in his own Casino. Batman already beat the living shit out of Jason in RHatO #25 for it...and some time has passed, B surely found out that Jason didn't kill Penguin by now, i mean isn't he like the best detective to ever detective in the history of the universe??

Not only that but Jason has been using rubber bullets for a while and even at the start he mentions that, he basically implies that he is playing by the Bat's rules to keep him off his back. Maybe B hasn't let go of the duffel bag full of heads or any of the shitty people Jason killed during UtRH??? If B still holds that against Jason then why would he try to make Jason part of his Bat clan at the beginning of RHatO Rebirth? 

Maybe he still thinks that Jason killed the penguin...but even then isn't B working with Harley and Ghost-Maker? You know, people who have killed? Why is Jason different? Did Jason kill someone recently that we don't know about? Jason only kills a very distinct set of people (that are very not nice) so i guess i don't see the logic...

Anyway second flashback, and this time we have a look at what was going on in the Batcave with B and Alfred during the events of UtRH! Nothing that wasn't explored in UtRH is said here but we do see Alfred explicitly telling Bruce how much they failed Jason. There is a heavy insinuation that the fact that Batman keeps sending the Joker to Arkham only for him to escape and kill more people actually makes B responsible for those deaths and i love that. Thank you. 

Back to Jason and Tyler we get to see some very adorable scenes between the two. Jason gives the lower half of his mask to Tyler to protect his identity like a superhero and we have a really sweet moment in which Tyler chooses the Blue Hood as his name because he likes the colour blue (same Tyler).

After he leaves Tyler in a place where he will be safe he goes to the building where Andy should be and let me tell you the more Jason sees the less hopeful he becomes about Andy being just one of the people selling the drug... He does some shooting and incapacitating and then follows the man that is trying to escape and here is when shit hits the fan. 

Andy is a disgusting human being. He hates Tyler's mother and doesn't care that she might be dead and the piece of shit hates his son so much that he gave a barely 10 year old drugs. 

Yeah. BANG BANG BANG MOTHERFUKER. 

If you think that this leads to Jason being a little more like his UtRH self, you know the guy that said that people who gave drugs to kids will get killed without a thought...yeah that's not happening, here comes the guilt!

I get it he just killed a man, but, did you read what that man said?

Anyway that's how the first part of this story ends. 

The story is good. it has things that don't make much sense but i think it's because Zdarsky is a Batman fan and not a Red Hood fan in the sense that he doesnt know much about Jason's character and that this is his first ever DC work.

I cant wait to see where this story goes, while i hope “unresolved daddy issues” doesn't become a theme yet again in a Red Hood story i believe it's where we are headed. I will keep on reading because i am invested in Jason and Tyler's relationship and what is going to happen now that Jason killed Andy.

Let me know what you thought about the issue and my post if you want! Bye!

[degeneratekitten]

Double Trouble

!!!WARNING!!! Read the tags before continuing. If any of the tags upset you then you probably wont like it when it happens in the story.

I think its fair to say that this is long overdue, I hate leaving people on cliffhangers, but i am very prone to do so. So I posted this, even if its a year late.

Not sure if I’ll be back again, maybe I’ll post a few stories I started on then never finished but who knows. Anyways enjoy the whump.

After Bud popped out his somehow less-evil-than-him twin, you couldn't help but to snatch the outraged coral up for a round of testing. You made sure to scrape up samples, eyes sparkling as the little coral put up a confused struggle.

You ignored Bud’s limp form on the towel, he looked to be in an incredibly rough shape, eyelights wavering, scales a little bloody, and little bits from the bones on his back missing. His mouth was still frothing, and he looked to be wallowing in his own waste, but you hardly noticed as you fluttered around the lab completely dazzled by the spontaneous birth of a fully formed coral.

You of course asked all the typical round of questions to the little thing, utterly fascinated by the asexual reproduction you just witnessed. You were sure that you’d just witnessed a breakthrough in what you were sure was the catalyst for the bitty surge. Their mutation!

You spent hours interacting with the coral, staring at the samples he produced while talking with him. You even ended up making a breakthrough with the treatment for the Brassberries who were still plagued by the growths. You ended up finding out exactly the source of the growths. Their makeup, and exactly why they were lingering on the brassberries where they had formed a complete bitty on Bud.

It turned out that the growths were in themselves a mutated strain of a virus that had taken up magical properties. The original virus seemed to be the cause of asexual reproduction in the original bitties. The virus mutated to start causing bittes to mutate as well, then mutated into this strain to exclusively promote more extreme mutation in bitties. It was searching for new traits or combinations of them to form into full Bitties.The Brassberries did not hold any extreme traits, thus the virus simply formed deady growths on them, whereas Bud seemed to have mutated just enough to create a newer unique bitty.

Even after finally tending to the catatonic Bud you ended up throwing yourself into research, only breaking to eat and use the bathroom. What you found out during this time about the virus and the new coral which you started calling Dub, was amazing.

The coral was incredibly energetic for its breed, finding pleasure in darting around in a manner most edgy types would deem too troublesome to attempt. Even if he was actually “less” violent than most corals, he still got angry, cussing you out and throwing stuff. He did almost bite you, which prompted you to test his venom, which also turned out to be far more potent than a regular corals.

He got angry a lot less than a regular coral,and his triggers were fewer than normal, and where Bud would throw tantrums, the coral would try to find the positives in a situation, and even attempt to work with you. Plus, where Bud was narcissistic this Coral was surprisingly self-aware, he would admit when he went too far, and even apologize for that behavior. A shocking trait for a Coral, yet also dangerous as it was easy to let your guard down after an apology.

He was still incredibly destructive, but he was far less malicious about it than most edgy types, plus the things he destroyed were easily replaceable and not valuable at all. The only time he ever really destroyed something valuable was when he was “clumsy” about it, which surprised you as he really tried to make it seem like he “wasn't” clumsy and was destroying things on purpose. He liked singing, and was incredibly open about wanting to cuddle, and would say he loved you frequently without a tsundere act. He was possibly the most bearable Coral on the planet!

Although he had some pretty surprising good points, he was still an Edgy type. He still tried to bite you, cussed excessively, was violent, was incredibly demanding, wasn't very bright, and enjoyed “marking” as much as Bud. You could say he was an ideal protection type bitty, but really if you were to even sell him he would probably be more dangerous than most Edgy types due to how he could almost seem “pleasant” at times.

Dub was still venomous, was more active than a regular edgy, and could easily trick someone into believing that he “wouldn't” bite you. Hell, you’d almost gotten bitten on the neck earlier when you gave him a hug at his insistence. His reasoning being “Bitch you give awful hugs!”

You had a hard time keeping your guard up around him, as he acted like a Blueberry sometimes only to turn around and try and bite you. During one of those instances you also found out something incredible about him.

“Hey ma… Can we talk?” Dub asked, as he chewed on a piece of meat you’d slathered in mustard as a bribe to let you take more ectoplasmic samples. You’d discovered that bribing him was one way to get him to cooperate, a mark firmly in the blueberry corner.

“Yeah Dub, tell me whatever is bothering you.” You replied, not looking away from the sample, you were noticing some strange growth coming from the samples you took from him, almost as if the virus was still actively trying to form him from the samples. They petered out fairly quickly and stopped their activity but it was still interesting.

“Can we go huntin?” He asked, as he viciously tore at the meat, he was wrapped around it like he was trying to strangle it, but the whole time staring at it like it was doing something wrong.

“When we’re done with tests we can go on a hunt with the other protection bitties, I’m sure you’d love it.” You replied, really he had been rather restless and you were sure to take him out on a hunt sooner rather than later. 

Dub ended up glaring at you. “You’re never done with testin tho!” He exclaimed, as he let go of the meat and moved towards you in an aggressive manner.

“I’m BORED! I need some ACTION” He shouted, slapping his mustard covered tail on the table, splattering mustard all over your workspace. Really why you had decided that feeding him in your workspace was beyond you. Nonetheless it irritated you, and you turned to him with a frown. 

“I’ve been giving you plenty of exercise! We play tag with the fluffies after we eat! Why can't you do that for a little bit while I finish up? It won’t be much longer now, you just have to be patient.” You stated, watching as Dub shook his head violently, and continued to argue.

“You’re a lyin bitch! We been testin for so long! I haven't even seen outside yet!” He argued, and you supposed he had a point, but it's really what he did next that pushed your buttons. 

“I WANNA HUNT!” He screamed, before taking the samples you had just taken and throwing them off the table! “TAKE ME HUNTING NOW YA STUPID SLUT!” He cursed, baring his teeth and looking as if he was going to lunge at you.

You didn't give him enough time to lunge though, as soon as he bared his teeth as you, you panicked and punted him off the table as hard as you could. You heard a loud “thwack” as he collided with the wall, and more cursing.

“FUCK YOU BITCH! THAT FUCKIN HUUUUUUUURT!” He sounded close to tears, but was even now attempting to stand up. Eyes wide, you quickly put on your handling gloves and ran over, checking over his mustard covered form for damage. His skull was cracked, but that was about it, and he looked at you with tear filled eyes, and you could swear he was trying to look cute so you wouldn't hurt him more. But really what ended up catching your attention was the fact that without any monster candy, or even healing magic, the cracks in his skull were closing all on their own.

Your breath caught in your throat as you stared in wonder at the closing cracks, they closed up in a manner of seconds.

“Wow.” You ended up breathing out, before poking at the place where the cracks used to be. The coral in response bit your gloved hand, but seeing as you were wearing thick gloves, it really had no effect, even as he tried to bite harder.

Staring at him, (not at all irritated at his attempt to kill you, you swear) your curiosity ended up getting the better of you, and you ended up slamming the little coral into the wall again, cracking his skull once again, then quickly pulling the bitty to yourself and purposely prying open the crack as far as you could get it.

‘WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOIN! STOP! WE CAN TALK BOUT THIS!” The coral screamed as you practically split his skull in two. You got a glimpse of what his eyelights looked like through the crack, before you ‘accidentally’ completely detached the right side of the top of his skull.

Surprisingly the detached bit persisted for a few minutes, and you were utterly shocked with how long it lasted without turning to dust. Furthermore, you were shocked that Dub immediately started to regenerate, instead of dusting himself.

You held Dub like he was a treasure as you stared utterly captivated with his amazing regenerative capabilities. A laugh ended up bubbling up from your chest, and you ended up hugging Dub to your chest as you laughed. Of course the difference in attitudes ended up stalling him, and he ended up drooling all over your lab coat as you praised him, telling him how he was the greatest discovery since electricity.

----

After squealing for a little while, all thoughts of hunting completely left your mind, you instead locked Dub up in an enclosure while he cried about his headaches, and started writing about his capabilities. You were planning on researching exactly what kind of mutation he had, then once you had enough data you would see if you could somehow start breeding him with other bitties to pass on such a valuable trait. 

You could only imagine what kind of bitty you could end up creating if only you were skilled enough in programming. You had millions of bitty design ideas that you could only dream of coming to fruition. Sadly the closest you would ever get to an ideal bitty was if you bred one. Dub himself was only a first step on that path.

You decided that first you needed to see if you could create another Bitty like Dub from Bud. So you ended up dragging Bud downstairs, kicking and screaming, and ended up feeding him a sample of the growths he fell into before. You saw what you were hoping for, and just like before, with enough shocks and emotional strain, you had another fully formed coral.

You were thrilled to discover that the second coral also had the same regenerative capabilities, and wasted no time in beginning your stress tests. In the end you decided that you would use Dub for the more tame testing, but as for the second coral, well you needed to know exactly what could kill this type, so you were strapping in for some brutal testing.

Everything started off tame enough. You took more samples of course, before having the both of them go through an obstacle course. There was plenty of cursing, Dub himself was so incensed with you and your testing that he simply refused to participate unless you kept true to your word and took him hunting. You ended up giving in to that request if only to obtain a set of data that you couldn't obtain in the lab, you ended up taking the other coral as well, and observed the both of them literally tearing themselves apart in their pursuit of the hunt. It seemed that they did not have poisonous venom anymore, instead they had paralytics. Which resulted in them using their exceptional stamina and irritating nature to coax more aggressive prey into chasing them long enough to either literally snap the bitties in half or have the prey collapse immobile but still aware due to the paralytics. After which they would wait for their bodies to regenerate and gorge themselves on their prey, live. You yourself ended up having to finish off their prey as they ate, which resulted in intense screaming on their part, something about ruining their fun. It was startling to say the least.

You gained many insights from this exercise. One being that the new corals were surprisingly well aware of their own abilities, as if they knew even without having to be told what they could do. The second being that they fell very firmly in the “protection” variety. Although at this point you debated on whether or not you should continue using “protection” as their classification, it was originally coined for marketing purposes but as the years went by it was just dangerous to call them anything less than hunters.

Of course after securing and storing the prey the corals had obtained you waste no time in taking them right back to the lab. They were satisfied enough with their work and cooperated fairly well with you afterwards. You knew that wouldn't last very long though, as what you had planned wasn't exactly pleasant.

You started with testing their magic. You didn't know how much these bitties could do, you gave them magical gauges, to measure their resting potential. Much like humans, bitties could increase their magic proficiency through absorbing it through places of power or artifacts but they always started with a baseline for magic at around the same place. These bitties had a slightly higher capacity for magic, but it turned out to be negligible in the long run. They could not use magic.

Next was the strength testing. You ended up testing their bite strength first, using a special tool, then their grip strength, and finally followed by the grip strength of their tails. It all ended up coming out at the average for Corals, much to your disappointment.

The next test involved their speed, it was the final test for the day, and to make sure you got the best results you ended up using what could essentially be called Bitty catnip to coerce the two corals into competing. You dangled a singular piece of mustard flavored magic treats in their faces and told them to race. You ended up setting up a small track for them to cover. You also stipulated that they were “Not to sabotage each other.” You’d made the mistake of not stipulating such a thing before, to say it was messy was an understatement. In the end the two of them tied, and the candy was split in half between the two. They were exhausted from the day's tests, and you needed them in tip top shape for the tests tomorrow. So you ended up patting them on the head, telling them they did good, and leaving them in their respective enclosures for the night.

The very next day though, you ended up setting up a longer course, or rather, you took the second coral to the track that you use for horses, a good circular track that didn't actually have an end with markings for distance.

“Ok little one, today I need you to keep running no matter what.” You smiled at the second coral as he stared at you, frowning. 

“Wadya mean?” He asked, staring at the track with suspicion.

You took out a small collar and fastened it around the bitties neck, it was tight enough to press directly against the bitties neck while loose enough that it could move up and down. It was quite obviously a shock collar, a miniature version meant for bitties, with a little tweak.

The secondary coral batted away at the collar, wrestling with you to try and get it off, before ending up giving up and sending you a glare instead.

“The fucks this stupid thing for?” He glowered, baring his teeth as you set him down at the beginning of the track and pulled out a little remote control.

“It's something new I made after realizing I needed some more physical motivation for you little guys. It's brand new, and honestly I don't know any better specimen to try it on than a little coral who can regenerate from everything.” You smirked at the coral, as he seemed to shrink a little bit at your look.

“Now, like I said before, I need you to run, and if you stop, I’ll have to punish you.” You stated, waving the controller in his face.

“Fuck you!” The little edgy spat before crossing his arms and turning his little back on you.

Shaking your head, you turned the dial on the 8 setting before pressing a little red button underneath.

You looked down at the little coral watching as it seemed to flop over in a little convulsion, his eyelights started to flicker and foam started dripping from his mouth.

“FUUUUU---UuuuuuuUUUUCkkk!” He buzzed out, voice wavering from the shock.

The shock lasted for about 10 seconds, but the little coral looked like it had completely fried him. He looked at you in shock before you smiled down viciously at him, and pointed at the track.

“Whenever you stop running I’ll turn the shock up, this dial goes all the way up to 50, and can even take down a bear on that setting.” You watched the coral look at you in horror as you pointed in the direction he was supposed to run.

“Now get moving, or the next shock I set will be worse.” You stated.

“Fuck you bitch I ain’t doing shit!” He screeched at you, flopping down on the ground and thrashing around like a toddler.

“You can’t fuckin make me!” He screamed, right at you turned the dial up to 9 and pressed the button. You held the button down for about 20 seconds that time, watching the coral freeze up in shock foaming more at the mouth as you let the shock continue.

“AAAAAAAAhhhhh!” He screeched, and as soon as the shock subsided he looked at you with tear filled eyes. “Momma please! Don’t hurt me anymore!” He started begging, and started to slither towards you, with a tear streaked and snotty face.

“Start running then.” You stated simply a little disturbed by the fact that the coral had called you momma instead of mom, or even bitch, a testament to his mixed nature. The blueberry was showing itself off right here.

The coral started to blubber harder, and didn't even notice when you turned the dial up once more to 10. “P-lllll-leaaaaaase! Momma! I Don’t wanna run that track!” He begged as he inched closer to your leg.

You kicked him away, sending him flying towards the track and pressing the button while the little coral was midair. He screeched loudly, voice wavering as he fell, and simply lay there, stiff as a board and foaming from his mouth.

“I said. Start. Running!” You shouted one more time, finger poised over the button as you stared the coral straight in the eyes.

He listened that time, making his way to the track and slithering off at top speed on the track, he was still crying as he ran, and his ugly snotty foamed up face made him look like a cherry rather than a coral. Really if it wasn't for the gold tooth you would swear that he was a cherry.

You started the timer as soon as he crossed the starting line, watching him slither at top speed like a moron. You weren't exactly inclined to inform him that he would tire himself out more by using up all of his energy at the beginning. You were looking to determine just how far he could be pushed before he collapsed. 

He passed you 3 times on the track at top speed, a mark firmly in the “hunting” variety, as you’d resolved to start calling them. You did have to turn the dial up at every pass though, as he’d taken to screaming obscenities at you at the stop, demanding to go home, or have chicken nuggies as a reward for “good behavior.” The speed he was going at was taking its toll, as he was already starting to show signs of fatigue. It was slightly above average for a hunting variety, but endurance wise it wasnt looking good.

By lap 5, he was sweating, by lap 7 he was moving at the pace he should have been moving at from the start. You had to shock him at the halfway mark on lap 7, and once more at the start of 8. The shock ended up at 19, at which point you could smell burning magic as he passed, an observation you wrote down in a separate journal in regards to the collar.

He made it to the lap 12 before he collapsed in front of you, panting, tear stained cheeks, and  a sticky dirt covered tail painting a sorry picture. He weakly looked at you, pleading silently for a break, before you shook your head, and turned up the dial this time to 23. The level had been slowly rising with each lap, since he didn't seem to get the memo that cursing after each lap only brought more pain. Although this time since he was so exhausted he wasn't cursing, just trying to look cute.

Seeing you turn up the dial, he let out a weak sob, before getting a move on at a glacial pace. He was almost crawling this time, as he wobbled back and forth on his run. You knew this was the lap he would collapse, so you took to following him this time, ready to mark down the exact distance he stopped at.

It wasn't common knowledge that bitties tended to dust at extreme exhaustion, no one liked to test them to their limits But it was still an established fact, the question was whether or not this kind would dust as well.

He reached the quarter mark of the track before he stopped again, breathing heavily, face flushed red with magic. A sign that he was on the verge of extreme exhaustion. You simply wrote down your observation, and kept the button in sight of the mutant coral, causing the bitty to widen his eyes and begin slithering again a little faster than before.

You could hear his sounds of distress, a surprising amount of dry sobs wracking his little body as he went along. His face only getting redder as time passed, his magic running rampant. He reached the halfway mark before he collapsed once again, panting so heavily that you “almost” felt empathy for him.

“You can’t stop yet.” You said, pressing the button, and watching as red smoke curled upwards from the collar. You smelt cigarettes, and mustard in the air. The bitty sobbed even louder, babbling incoherently as he attempted to use his arms to crawl further, which you supposed you could allow. 

He managed to crawl the rest of the distance to the starting point, before he smiled in satisfaction and closed his eyes. You wrote down the result, before shocking the bitty awake. This wouldn't stop just because he was tired. He woke, screaming and staring at you with shock and horror.

“Keep going.” You stated, as you watched him sob wordlessly and attempt to crawl further. 

He kept stopping, and each time you turned up the shock, although eventually you ended up having to stop his shocks at 25. Turning the dial up to 26 caused magic to pop on his tail, roasting him alive faster than he already was. The only thing that saved him at that moment was that his regeneration was “still” at full capacity, healing any wounds instantly. You would have kept turning up the dial but since it affected the results of your experiment, you supposed that 25 would be the limit.

He kept crawling, until the edges of his fingers started to dust, and the red flush on his body started to literally burn him. You didn't let him stop. He lapped once more, before his little body literally started to explode. Horrifyingly, not killing him, as even while his body was malfunctioning his healing was not. In fact it seemed to go into overdrive. 

The popping of his body sounded like firecrackers as the magic rampaged, you could see dust piling up on the ground. Eventually the magic caused more dramatic effects.

His arm exploded into dust, only for it to regenerate right where it had been, then explode once more. 

Ecto flesh had involuntarily started to form, a little belly forming before melting off in searing hot magic, only to form again and boil off. 

His tail wasn't any better, as the scales fell off repeatedly, before forming again.

His skull was the same as his arms, but for some reason he kept trying to pop off his own skull with his disintegrating hands. 

He screamed, then stopped, popping his own vocal mechanism and spitting out dust, before coughing as they regenerated only to pop again. He seemed to be in eternal agony, unable to die painlessly as his own body malfunctioned. The only way it seemed he would die is if he ran out of magic.

“Momma! Please! Help me!” He shouted, and you almost did, before stopping yourself. The data was far too valuable, you ‘had’ to know just how long this would last. So instead you sat by him and timed his death. This wasn't exactly the first time you’d seen a bitty die from exhaustion, but it was the first time you’d seen them recover repeatedly from it.

The whole ordeal lasted for about 10 minutes, like a candle burning down to the last bit of its wick, it petered out slowly. The regeneration slowed down, longer intervals came between regenerated limbs, yielding deformed bones that curled in odd places as they popped like firecrackers while reforming. 

His skull became just a small mouth as his eyes melded closed, his screams changing pitch as his vocal mechanism changed with repeated regeneration. His tail stopped regenerating, leaving only the tailbone, while his melted ecto flesh bubbled ominously as it formed restraints around his deformed arms. 

Dust started becoming a part of the regeneration, forming little pockets that burst like pus from his skull, into an ever growing pile of dust. 

Eventually the screaming stopped, and his tail stopped regenerating along with his arms, leaving a strange mass of crooked ribs and the back of a skull as his little red ai flickered before dissolving in a fizzle of red sparks. 

The air reeked of cigarettes, burnt mustard, and burnt flesh, while magic swirled thickly in a red fog on the ground. You stopped your timer, and let out a shaky breath as you stared at the large pile of dust as it caught fire from the fizzle of magic and became ashes in the wind.

To say it was the most gruesome death you’d ever seen was an understatement. You almost thought it wasn't worth repeating as an experiment.

Almost.

[bamfdaddio]

X-Men Abridged: 1981 - Bonus: Avengers Annual 10/What If? 27

The X-Men, those Claremontian mutants that have sworn to protect a world that hates and fears them, are a cultural juggernaut with a long, tangled history. Want to unravel this tapestry? Then read the Abridged X-Men! [more here]

(Avengers Annual 10 & What If? 27) - by Chris Claremont and Mary Jo Duffy, Michael Golden and Jerry Bingham

Avengers? You’re not here for Avengers! Let me make the following counterpoint:

Holy eye shadow, Rogue!

See, Avengers Annual 10 is less about the Avengers and more about three other things:

The rehabilitation of Carol Danvers who, after this, has had her fill of the Avengers and becomes an honorary member of the X-Men;

Spider-Woman and the X-Men trying to figure out what has happened to Ms. Marvel;

Mystique trying to spring her Brotherhood from prison, using a secret weapon: Rogue.

Depending on my mood that day, I might name Rogue as my favourite-ever X-Man, so I really could not skip her debut issue. Instantly iconic, all of this:

Her streak;

Her signature green outfit with hoodie;

Her accent.

Queen.

I love how Claremont once again almost effortlessly introduces a strong female character, one that single-handedly takes down three of the strongest Avengers. Also note how free Rogue still is with her powers: fun, flirty, without the tragic can’t-touch-anyone-angle that will define her for the next three decades.

I’m sorry, am I getting ahead of myself?

This story begins as a whodunit: who pushed an amnesiac Carol Danvers off the Golden Gate Bridge and stole her mind? For that matter, where did she came from? Wasn’t she happily married and pregnant in some alternative dimension last time the readers saw her? Spider-Woman rescues her from the choppy water and calls Professor Xavier to help out. He manages to retrieve the Jane Doe’s identity and knows who attacked her: a woman named Rogue.

Rogue, meanwhile, skulks about the Avengers Mansion, first taking out Captain America and then attacking Thor.

Considering what this comic is about, I don’t believe Hawkeye’s throwaway mysognism is accidental here.

Rogue’s powers work as follows: through touch, she can steal other people’s powers and memories. The longer she touches someone, the longer she’ll have them - with the looming threat of the theft becoming permanent.

After absorbing Thor, Rogue is faced with three Avengers who’s powers she can’t absorb - Spider-Woman (covered in a suit); Vision (robot) and Wonder Man (being of pure energy? Idk, I’m not really familiar with him other than his bromance with Beast). Hoping the three powers she has in her arsenal - Ms. Marvel’s, Thor’s and Cap’s - will be enough, Rogue flees.

Mystique, meanwhile, has duped Iron Man by pretending to be the Wasp and has paralysed Tony Stark in his suit with some sort of device. She picks up the powered-up Rogue and their plan becomes clear:

Rogue immediately earns her place in my heart by using billionaire Tony Stark the way the Coyote uses anvils. (Also note the odd way of spelling ‘sugah’.)

I love how both the Brotherhood and the X-Men continually pull focus from the Avengers: for an Avengers-comic, it's surprising how much they're pushed to the background. Again, this makes sense if you know what this issue really is about, but that won’t become clear until the epilogue. I don’t mind, it means we get a ton of great moments, like the Blob calling Mystique ‘Misty’:

My God, this era’s Destiny/Mystique is even more obvious than 90’s Rictor/Shatterstar.

A battle erupts. One funny moment is actually seeing Destiny fight. I’ve never really read comics about this incarnation of the Brotherhood and my collection mostly takes off after Legion Quest, so I mostly know Destiny posthumously. I always figured that, as a villain, she stood somewhere off on the side, delivering cryptic messages. I never realized she was the one to almost shoot Senator Kelly, nor that her powers are this practical.

X-Men drinking game rule 11: Drink anytime someone fatshames the Blob.

The fight is pretty evenly matched until Spider-Woman releases Iron Man from Mystique’s little trap. Soon, the Avengers overwhelm the Brotherhood. While Mystique and Rogue manage to flee, Destiny, Avalanche, Pyro and the Blob are detained again.

With the main antagonists sorted, we return to the actual storyline: the rehabilitation of Ms. Marvel. Professor X has managed to tease her out of her catatonic state and offers her therapy to restore her missing memories and powers. (The ones stolen by Rogue.) The Avengers, not fully understanding why Carol won’t ask them for help, eventually come by for a house call.

Carol asks the X-Men to leave while the Avengers gingerly confront her. It’s very awkward.

“Fuck the Avengers. Taking my beer.” - Wolverine, probably.

See, what all this refers to is the rape of Ms. Marvel. I haven’t read the particular comic in which this happens (Avengers 200), so if you want all the details, I’ll refer you to this article. Before I get into the details, it’s important to note that Claremont was the writer for Carol Danvers in her solo-series, giving her agency and turning Ms. Marvel into a three-dimensional character. The title was then cancelled and Carol was shuffled off to the Avengers. (Rogue was, in fact, planned to make her debut in that the solo-Ms. Marvel series, as one of Ms. Marvel’s new antagonists. Presumably, Rogue would steal her powers there, too. We all know Claremont loves to strip his heroes and heroines of their powers to show they’re even more badass without them.)

As an Avenger, Carol was wooed by some other-dimensional dude/entity named Marcus. He courted her by giving her flowers, worshipping the ground she stepped on and, oh yeah, ‘subtly’ influencing her mind to make her fall in love with him and consequently impregnating her.

Yes.

Now, Claremont is no stranger to putting his characters through their paces and he gleefully makes use of the whole mental manipulation-trope. In fact, telepathically coercing someone to fall in love with you is absolutely what Mastermind did to Jean Grey: he probably violated her just as much as Marcus did Carol. The difference is how it’s treated in the narrative: Mastermind’s actions are never laughed away or apologized for and are the direct cause for his downfall. They help trigger Jean’s transformation to the Dark Phoenix, whose first deed is taking out her fury on ‘Jason Wyngarde’.

That’s… not what happened with Ms. Marvel. There, the narrative condones Marcus’ actions by framing it as ‘her happy ending’ (married and pregnant, yay!), something which is celebrated by the Avengers.

This is where Carol calls them out for their bullshit.

We call this ‘The Reason You Suck’-Speech. It’s a thing of beauty.

The Avengers depart, tail between their legs, and Carol hangs out with the cool X-kids from now on. For now, at least.

So, this issue is not only a landmark because it’s where Rogue debuts, but you can also see Chris Claremont going to bat for one of characters: he (presumably reluctantly) gave back the character of Carol Danvers when her solo was cancelled, proceeded to see how terribly they massacred his girl and then claimed that ownership right back.

Good for you, Claremont.

***

The “What If… the Phoenix Had Not Died”-issue is kind of boring, because it’s basically a rehash of the Phoenix Saga. Why am I paying attention to it? Because of the (mild) gore (and because the Avengers Annual wouldn’t fill a whole post). Anyway, it’s like watching a Final Destination-movie: it’s silly, light on plot and never a particularly thought-provoking movie, but it’s still fun to see all those people inventively but haplessly die.

Plot! Instead of committing suicide on the moon, the Shi’ar strip Jean of her powers after her trial. Jean is trapped in a barren mental state, almost feeling like she's a veggie. But Jean's powers refuse to remain dormant: slowly, her telepathy returns.

When Galactus threatens the Shi’ar homestead, Lilandra summons the X-Men as her champions. Jean embraces her Phoenix-side and defeats Galactus. Everyone is grateful and super-convinced Jean can handle the Phoenix this time! Yay!

And, because that battle with Galactus took a lot out of her, Jean decides she can have a little asteroid. As a treat. She keeps slipping up on her diet, supping on the occasional meteor and lonely planet to keep her power levels up. It turns out to be a slippery slope: finally, she consumes another star (in an uninhabited system! And a small one! How dare you judge her!), but when she returns to the mansion…

The absolute worst moment to forget you have powers, Kitty.

Xavier attempts to bind the Phoenix, but last time, Jean helped him fight from within. This time, there's not much Jean left. Without breaking a sweat, the Phoenix wipes his brain. But she doesn’t stop there. Maybe the Phoenix remembers that, last time, she was undone by the principles of “friendship is magic”. This time, she’s determined to not let it get so far.

It’s absolutely bone-chilling.

And the stars blinked As they watched her carefully Jealous of the way she shone - Atticus

I wonder if there’s a rhyme or reason to the way Jean murders her friends: is it random? Does she go for the ones she loves the most first? Does she save Cyclops for last, knowing killing him might trigger Jean to respond?

The narration mentions that the three remaining X-Men are the most powerful ones: Polaris, Havok and Cyclops. (I would’ve swapped in Storm for Cyclops, but whatever.) They have formulated a quick plan: Polaris pulls focus while Havok and Cyclops shift into position. Phoenix disintegrates Polaris while Havok and Scott try and blast Phoenix to smithereens.

But at the last moment, Scott can’t. Havok’s blast alone is not enough. Phoenix shoots him through the heart and then, finally, kills Cyclops. That’s when Jean resurfaces, realizing what she’s done. She can’t take it - she’s in the mood to dissolve in the sky, as per Virginia Woolf - and she lets the Phoenix take over.

Phoenix finally lives up to her potential: The End of All That Is.

It's a mediocre plot with a lame ramp-up to a terrifying conclusion. In the regular universe, the thing that triggers the Phoenix is the utter violation of Jean’s body and mind; here, it’s being confronted by Kitty. One is the proverbial red cloth in front of the bull, the other is being assaulted by an ineffective wet cloth. The Phoenix Saga is iconic because all the pieces were carefully put in place; this just feels rushed an unearned.

Also, the Watcher is full of shit. You can’t say you don’t pass judgment whilst simultaneously comparing the merits of one tragedy to the other. Shut up, Uatu.

Check back next week for your regularly scheduled X-Men Abridged! It’s time for 1982 and the brood saga!

[riiroh]

Hooray. The first part isn’t over yet, like I feared! :’) It’s kind of close though by now, I think. There’s... some things that still need to happen, except I’m not a 100% on what those are. The second I know is in medias res kind of thing, the MC sitting on a cart getting close to Megaton, thinking back to the end of the previous night. The second part’s mostly meeting Alex (that one guy from 101) and accompanying him when they try to figure where his dad is and how are they gonna get moneycaps and how are they gonna survive when neither knows much about the outside world as it is and bumbling ineffectually around, being miserable.

If you feel like up to it, mind reading a bit and sharing some thoughts? I’m putting an excerpt behind a readmore (hope it works). I’m mainly thinking of the parts where she’s pretty much dissociating from herself (after everything she’s gone through, which has essentially taken... the other 47,000 words or so... not putting all that in, don’t worry) and deciding to just be someone else instead. I kind of like how it happens, kind of not? It might be a little repetitive or pretentious, I guess. Might just be my current rambly style and being rusty. Anyway! :)

***

The travellers were all up. She had time for a second's thought of getting away, but the attackers were finally starting to wake up, shouts breaking out. Everything seemed to happen at once. Shots exploded and there was a loud scuffle and a fight already going on, people yelling and screaming and she was right there and she couldn't get away.

The pandemonium was around her. She'd ducked away from the woman before she could consciously think of it. There was only an overwhelming need to hide away, anywhere, anywhere at all. She scrambled somewhere on her hands and knees, no idea of where anything was as the air filled with painful, ear-rending noise and fire and smoke and blood. She hit something and sobbed. She was trapped. She'd gone the wrong way. She was caught. She was found. She couldn't move forward, she couldn't move back, she couldn't leave, she was going to die-

Her mind filled with terror. She had no idea of what was going on, there wasn't any consciousness left to register sounds from around her or anything. She wasn't unconscious, everything had finally snapped some fragile thread of willpower within her and left her adrift in an ocean of fear and horror, the waves engulfing her and blocking out all awareness of the rest of the world. The ocean stormed, churned and swelled in her mind and she sunk away under. Her body was a separate thing that disappeared, her open and screaming mouth filled with water and she was nothing to it. It was gone, it wasn't her, there was no her. She was lost.

Something broke the catatonic state she was in. She had an arm, attached to a body. The body was hers. The arm was being touched. Someone was touching her arm. Almost like with a pop she was back and she was wracked with tremors. She couldn't breathe and her mouth opened desperately, with nothing happening. She couldn't see anything, her eyes were closed. She was seizing her head with her hands tightly fisted in her hair, nails digging into her palms, scalp burning from the desperate pressure to keep her head down. Her chest was pressed to her knees and there was no space for her lungs to expand. Someone was touching her arm. She was wrong. There was air, but she couldn't feel it in her lungs. Her brain was fighting to scream inside herself she was dying, denying the sensation of breathing. It wasn't happening to her. She was dying, she was already dead, she was dead so nothing could hurt her anymore, nothing could kill her because she was already dead-

A voice called out and someone smacked at her arm. Her hands flinched away from her head, barely opening enough to keep her from tearing her hair away in chunks. Her brain fell down against the onslaught of sensations swarming over, shouting out their input of the world to her. She was wheezing, but so lightly and shortly it was almost soundless, and her eyes were open wide and dry, staring at the ground in front of her face.

People were making noises, walking about, scratching at the ground with their feet, voices indiscernible from each other, all mixing to drown out individual words.

Someone spoke loudly over the noise, somewhere off to her side. She couldn't focus or think of anything. She felt her face twisting in a grimace. She was starting to sob. Why couldn't she go back to the ocean? She wanted to go away again. She wanted to be dead in her mind so she didn't have to die in the real life. She was crying in jagged, shallow breaths. Oh God, she didn't want to die.

She didn't hear the voices quieting down and moving away, couldn't understand the noise lowering. The voice had probably been speaking quietly for a while until she noticed it over her crying. She didn't know what it was saying. And then she did. But she didn't believe it telling her it was okay. She didn't trust it saying to calm down.

Someone was speaking to her and trying to comfort, reassure her. The fighting had ended. No one was shooting anymore and whoever was still alive was moving around, doing things. She was too out of it and too tired to look up and see the aftermath.

Someone touched her arm. It was gentle and their fingers radiated heat she could feel against her skin. The touch didn't change or suddenly turn into a heavy grasp to yank her out, expose her to pain. She blinked away tears and saw the ground a little moist under her face. The voice - a man's - commended her on calming a bit and encouraged her to look up. He was still speaking to her, telling her it was okay.

She wasn't shaking so much anymore, only a periodic shiver passing through her. Her crying lessened and her cheeks were turning dry. She hadn't drank enough water anyway. There was only one bottle left in her apartment and nowhere to get more. She sniffled, gradually starting to get air through her nose.

The man pulled his hand back and shifted, his voice coming a touch further away. Her head hurt and she was quickly getting tired, turning sleepy. She finally moved her head and glanced to her side. The man she'd first released was looking at her, head shifted down towards his shoulder to see her under the cart where she'd crawled in her senseless panic. There was a rueful, half-not-quite-smile quirk on his lips. He asked her whether she was ready to come out yet or not.

She swallowed and lifted her head to look at the visible pairs of legs standing or walking around the campsite. She didn't know where the attackers were, couldn't see a pile of bodies left anywhere. It was still dark. Maybe they were still somewhere. The man sighed and stood up with a grunt. He called for her to come out, then just waited.

Her body was stiff and painful. Her arms threatened to turn into jello, almost failing, but she began to crawl out shakily. The man stepped back a bit and leaned down to grasp her arm, halting his hand when she flinched away, momentarily dipping. Her kept his hand offered to her and after a while she took it, letting the man help her up.

One of the travellers, another man, had been leaning on the cart and turned to them, asking if they were done. The first man told the other to go on and he huffed and walked to join the rest doing something on the other side of the cart. That was where the firespot and the attackers had been. She didn't look over the cart.

The man was talking to her. Thanked her for letting them go, but he was wondering where she had suddenly come from. Wanted to know who she was. Dipped his head lower to look into her eyes that weren't really aimed towards his face and asked whether she knew how to talk. She looked up, keeping her eyes on his as he straightened. She nodded. She didn't feel like she had control over her mouth. Like she wasn't quite in her body, but not removed from it either. She probably wasn't quite real anymore. It didn't feel like important or like anything at all, that she should have done something about it.

The man watched her face and pouted his lips briefly, then asked her if she had a name at least, his arms moving to cross themselves as he waited for an answer.

Ahh, everything was so complicated. She wasn't herself anymore. She'd stopped being real. If she said her name to the man she might flip something so off it wasn't even upside down, but twisted and broken and in pieces. If she had to come back to herself she thought whatever was left would cease up and crumble away. Not violently, but persistently, leaving her only blackened fractures of a cut-off, forgotten dream where she'd been a person once. She'd probably really die if she had to be herself right then. It was probably best to wait to be herself some other time. She could be someone else in the meantime. Maybe someone she'd pretended to be before, a long way off in her past, another life. Someone whose name people around here could pronounce right, anyway. She could be just a little bit to the side of the real self. Wait for it to heal a bit first. So...

"Ellen," she said, after swallowing a bit to clear her dry throat. She was Ellen.

Until she was ready to try being herself again some Ellen would have to do.

Who knew what sort of person this Ellen turned out to be? She'd have to wait and see. Hopefully it wouldn't be terrible to be an Ellen for the time being.

The man quirked his lips again and nodded. "Well, thanks for saving our lives, Ellen. You holding up now?"

Ellen opened her mouth, but didn't know what to say. After a moment she settled for shrugging. She felt strangely sad, not like she was going to start crying, but like something heavy weighed at her core, dragging at her.

"You know these guys? Did they do something to you?"

"No," she whispered with a little shake of her head.

"Huh." The man looked away from her face for a bit, somewhere behind her over the cart. The rest of the travellers were still moving about and doing something there. "Just figured maybe that was the case, cos of how you reacted," he continued, looking back at her and gesturing with one hand towards the underside of the cart.

"No, no... Never met them before."

The man considered her and snorted softly, grinned humorlessly and asked, "What, you new to this or something? Where've you been living to get so out of it when there's a fight going on?"

Oh dear. Oh no. Oh, that was hitting too close to the real thing. She could feel it, flinching minutely. Oh, she couldn't have it start shifting, shedding the weight she'd already buried it under. Oh, her face was probably showing something, because the man turned serious again.

"You not a slave, are ya?" He lifted his hands in a reassuring, apologetic way when she started backwards at his words, eyes wide and back hitting the cart.

"Ah, no, sorry, sorry," he said, hands held up, showing they were empty. "Not gonna do anything, okay? We don't deal in that shit," he said and his face darkened. He clamped his mouth shut and looked over the cart, a muscle standing out on his jaw. He looked back and muttered, "Would be a damned fine way to pay you back for what you did for us."

Ellen didn't know what to say. She remained huddled against the cart and waited. The man scratched at his head, equally uncertain what to do next.

"Name's Willer," he finally said and offered his hand to her. She took it and they shook shortly. His arm dropped to his side while she pulled her own back to cradle herself loosely in her arms.

The man sighed. "Come on," he said with a nod and turned to start walking around the cart, "I think Jared's still got your gun."

Ellen's arms flew apart as she looked down and patted at herself in surprise. She hadn't noticed at all losing the gun. Who was Jared and when did he take her weapon? Did it drop when she'd gone under the cart? But if the fighting had spread to this side of the cart and someone picked it up and used it, why wasn't there a body or blood here?

She followed him, gait uncertain. The travellers had cleared the campsite of the attackers' bodies. She didn't look around very carefully, avoiding focusing her eyes at anything suspiciously corpse pile -like. Someone had restarted the fire. One woman was tending to the woman who'd been shot. Willer walked to them and crouched down, asking quietly after the woman's condition.

"Think she might make it. The bullet's still in, I think, but the bleeding ain't so bad now. Mostly stopped. Gave her a stim, but we'll need to head for somewhere with a doc, unless you know where Hoff's route's taking him currently."

"No idea. They don't keep a daily routine that well, just the general road," Willer answered back. He stood up when another man came to them.

"We should start moving already. This spot's pretty compromised by now. There's no telling if there's gonna be more of'em coming, and the corpses are gonna start attracting animals around."

"It's not that long until daybreak. We're just gonna have to drag them further."

"Everyone's tired and this evening's been a shitshow-" the man started, sounding agitated.

"I know we almost died-" Willer tried to interrupt him, but the man continued over him.

"And what's this 'we'? You didn't do shit, except go babysit that slow mess over there." The man jerked his head towards Ellen, without bothering to look at her.

"'That' someone saved our lives and her name's Ellen. How about you give her gun back to her now?"

The second man - presumably Jared - snorted at Willer and threw a look at Ellen. He took the gun in his hand from under his belt where he'd stashed it, then stomped a few feet towards her and tossed the gun carelessly at her. Ellen fumbled to catch it, letting a sound kind of like a swear that wasn't quite there escape from her mouth. Willer snapped a 'Hey!' at Jared, scowling at him.

"Fucking get on with it," Jared said. "It's not like she shot any of the raiders..." His voice trailed off as he walked away. Ellen thought he might've been the second man released, but she wasn't sure. It had happened too long ago, and her past self hadn't really been looking at their faces.

"Moxie needs to go on the cart and the brahmin are rattled and tired. We can't continue yet," the woman holding the one shot said to Willer. "And everyone's exhausted too, anyway. We gotta rest a bit more."

Willer looked down at her, crossing his arms. "This ain't a good spot, I know that. But I don't know this area like Moe did and I ain't too sure there is another place to camp at. Don't really want to stay here." He continued after a beat and a pointed look from the woman, "Yeah, I know we gotta stay put a while, too."

The woman kept her eyes on Willer a moment longer, then looked towards Ellen. Willer moved so his sides were evenly toward both.

"This is Rocklyn and the one in her arms is Moxie," he said, pointing a thumb at the women. Ellen nodded at Rocklyn's hello. She was regarded and frowned at.

"You hold that thing like you never touched a gun before," Rocklyn said, eyes resting on the gun Ellen was holding awkwardly with both hands. She looked down, handling the gun from one hand to another uncertainly, then keeping hold of it with both.

"I don't really know how to use it," she said. Her throat was getting dry again. Willer and Rocklyn glanced at each other, sharing a moment of incredulity.

"How the fuck you don't know how to shoot?" Willer was the first to ask. Rocklyn added in her own 'Yeah!' and Ellen shrugged at them, feeling a little annoyed.

"No one ever taught me. I've never owned a gun in my life." She was uncomfortable under their stares, feeling like she was judged and found lacking something.

"You a slave?" Rocklyn asked. Moxie shifted and moaned in her arms at the same time as Ellen replied with a 'No!', no longer quite as spooked as when Willer had asked the same. Rocklyn focused on Moxie, leaving Willer to continue talking.

"We get ambushed by a bunch of slaving raiders, you appear from outta nowhere like they did, questions arise..."

"I don't know where they came from. I was..." Ellen was going to say she had been hiding in the ruins, but didn't want to draw attention to the buildings, or her- no. The apartment. Just some place. A lucky find. But she must have made some movement, or her eyes had bertrayed her with an errant glance, or it was just obvious because they were the only things around because Willer looked towards the buildings.

"Oh, didn't know there was any scavenging left there."

Ellen didn't say anything. After a while Willer looked back at her and snorted.

"You don't gotta worry, we're not interested. Been over those ruins by everyone. There's not much left." A beat. "Is there?"

Ellen shook her head, probably too fast to look believable.

"Well, whatever you find you can consider yours," Willer said. "Though I can't recommend wandering around with a gun you can't use."

"I can-" She pressed her mouth shut, swallowing the rest of the words.

Willer look at her and seemed to remember something. "What happened to the guy who was guarding us? I barely noticed him leaving, but he was gone when I saw you."

"I, uh..." Ellen managed to start, trying to mumble something more. Her hand vaguely lifted, fingers wiggling for a second somewhere towards the buildings. She was thinking of the laundry room, imagining it as if from a camera on the ceiling pointed down, the corpse framed in the middle.

"You kill him?" Rocklyn looked up from Moxie, whose face she'd been gently touching.

Ellen said nothing and breathed, looking from Rocklyn to Willer.

"Well, did you? Or does someone need to go and find him?" Willer asked.

She thought Ellen probably wouldn't have trouble saying it. It was her other self that was a shadowy ghost oppressing on her tongue. But Ellen saying it wouldn't wake her up, make her be her broken self again. She just needed to be Ellen and keep everything else away. Put herself in a little box right behind her shoulder, closed up and not thought about. It wasn't even there. No box at all.

"I shot him. I... lured him away and I was going to try and... like..." Ellen swallowed and looked at her hands, gesturing with them and the gun she was holding then in just her left. "I meant to hit him with something and knock him out, but it didn't work. And he was going to kill me. So. I shot him first."

"Alright, good of you to've done that. You sure he's dead?" Willer asked.

Ellen motioned to her forehead with her right, empty hand. "Through the head. Lots of blood."

"I can see that," Rocklyn said with a little laugh. She was looking at Ellen's feet. Willer looked down and frowned in a puzzled way at her lack of shoes and bloody socks.

"Um," Ellen said and looked down as well. She wiggled her toes a bit. "I was trying to not make noise and my shoes would've, you know... squeaked on the floor. So I'd taken them off. And then I didn't want to put them back on."

Willer and Rocklyn laughed at her, but good-naturedly. Willer muttered something about her needing to at some point, but he was turning away from them both. He seemed to have no more pressing matters to ask her then, but said he'd go check on the others and told Ellen to sit down and catch her breath. He walked away, leaving the two (or three counting Moxie who was either asleep or unconscious) of them looking at each other. Rocklyn nodded for her to sit down by the fire, then returned her attention back to Moxie.

Ellen settled herself gingerly on the ground, legs crossed. She was feeling a bit vaguely ill and hoped it didn't mean she was about to turn back into herself. Ellen didn't really want to deal with more of that right now. She stared at the dancing flames, keeping quiet and waited.

[pastpatientlywaitingforimagines]

Nebula | Spencer Reid x Reader Platonic

WC: 2701

A/N: When I first wrote Galaxy I intended for it to be a oneshot, but I can’t get enough of the dynamic between Spencer and Reader. This is part 3 to Galaxy and Supernova, though you don’t really have to read them to understand what’s going on.

GALAXY MASTERLIST

Warnings: SPOILERS FOR 12x13 (Spencer), mentions of drug use

For the first time since you joined the Bureau, you didn’t want to go. It was selfish, but you didn’t want to go because you didn’t think you could handle seeing him. Nonetheless, you knew if roles were reversed he wouldn’t hesitate to be there for you so you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and stepped onto the jet anyways.

The rest of the team knew it wasn’t going to be easy for you. It wasn’t easy for them either, but there was a cosmic connection between you and Doctor Spencer Reid that they all knew made this exponentially more difficult for you.

Emily didn’t complain when you stayed impossibly close to her on the jet, eyes cast downward in silence while you listened to them strategize. Rossi kept providing you snacks to eat while on the flight to Mexico, compassionately reminding you that you needed it to keep your strength up whenever there was a lull in conversation. Luke kept careful eyes on your tells, ready to step in if you showed any increased signs of anxiety. He wasn’t as good at noticing them as Spencer was, having worked with you for significantly less time, but the Army veteran had picked up on your lingering military traumas early on in his employment with the team and had been there for you especially when Spencer took time off to care for his mom.

They needed you, and more importantly Spencer needed you, so they were going to do everything they could to keep you in one piece until they could figure out what had happened in Mexico.

Emily took charge when you stepped into the police precinct, commandeering the officers in a way only Emily Prentiss could. You followed Luke to the holding cell, and that’s when you saw him.

Spencer’s eyes slowly met yours and you could immediately tell something was off. Luke started talking to him, and you watched as Spencer struggled to remember your colleague. You were too scared to ask Spencer if he remembered you. Seeing your best friend so out of it terrified you. Spencer Reid was the sharpest person you knew, this dishevelment was uncharacteristic and you felt yourself having a hard time believing the man on the other side of the bars was your favorite doctor.

Luke’s phone ringing pulled you back into the present. You weren’t going to be of any help to anyone, especially Spencer, if you were catatonic. Instead of standing safely on the shore, you had to let yourself get caught in the riptide and pulled into this mess.

“Spencer,” you spoke for the first time since Emily had broke the news to the group of you that morning. You could tell the drugs were making it hard for him to focus, “Spencer, listen to me.”

“(y/n),” he rasped. He remembered you.

“Hey, I trust you,” even in his inebriated state, you both felt the weight of your words.

“(y/n),” he repeated. You knew he understood. When Luke came back he had some revelations from Garcia and the rest of the team back in Quantico. Even though Spencer denied wanting company while the other agents went to check out the motel and the whereabouts of Nadie Ramos, you stayed with him.

You sat on the floor with your back against the wall, watching your best friend carefully. The concrete wasn’t comfortable by any means, but you were not going to let anything else harm the man who was so close yet so far away. You received a lot of strange looks from the passing officers, but you didn’t move. Even when your phone rang, you stayed put.

“JJ,” you answered quietly, watching Spencer’s even breathing as he slept on the bench in the cell.

“How are you holding up?

“I’m… not, but I can deal with it later. Spencer is our priority right now,” you weren’t sure if you were reminding her or yourself.

“How is he?”

“Sleeping for now, hopefully sobering up. This is gut-wrenching. He told me about what happened with Tobias Hankel… I can’t even imagine what it was like for him then. How is Diana?”

“She’s stable, I checked in with her earlier. Cassie’s taking good care of her, you don’t have to worry.”

“Will you keep checking in with her until I get back and let me know if anything changes? Whatever he was doing down here has to do with her, I just need to figure out what it was. I wish he would have told me,” you gritted your teeth.

“That was going to be my next question. You didn’t know about any of this?”

“I knew he was traveling to talk to doctors. He’s been doing it for a few months now, I would spend extra time with Diana while he was gone. I always asked about his trips, nothing he told me ever raised a red flag, though. It was always ‘Met with this doctor, talked about that clinical trial, got this new medication to try.’ I should have known…”

“I’ve been saying the same thing. I don’t know how I missed it, or why he wouldn’t tell us,” you could hear the desperation in her voice.

“We’re going to figure it out. We have to figure it out. We’re getting him out of here,” you told her. You weren’t sure how convinced JJ was at your words but she accepted them anyways, bidding you goodbye when Garcia pulled her into some new information on their end of the case.

“Who was that?” you almost missed the gravely words from Spencer’s mouth when you took the phone away from your ear.

“It was JJ,” you told him.

“Are you going to ask me more questions? I still can’t… can’t remember.” Your heart broke.

“I’m not here to ask you questions, Spence. I’m here to make sure you’re safe.”

“Because you trust me.”

“Because I trust you,” you repeated. He was quiet again until the sun came up, and Emily, Rossi and Luke returned from the motel. Emily pulled you to the side when they showed up, though you wouldn’t let her take you anywhere where you couldn’t have eyes on Spencer.

“That motel room was a mess,” she told you honestly. You had spoken with her on the phone earlier, so you knew most of the finer details.

“It doesn’t look good for him, does it?”

“On the surface, no. The Mexican authorities have everything they need to lock him up, but if we can find something that proves Scratch is framing him we’ll have a better chance.”

You crossed your arms and shifted your weight, mind reeling with possibilities.

When Inspector Casteneda let you into the holding cell shortly after, you planted yourself at Spencer’s side and did not move. Just being in closer proximity to the doctor helped you feel better. Your friendship had never been very touchy-feely, you and Spencer both having reasons that you preferred to limit your physical contact, so the comfort that you found was merely by presence. You always had a clearer head when Spencer was close by, and this was no exception.

You kept your mouth shut while the other agents and Casteneda discussed Spencer’s tox screen and the possibilities of a cognitive interview. When Casteneda pulled out the vials, you watched the first glimpse of memory cross your friend’s face. You tensed, waiting to step in if you needed to.

“Whatever’s in those vials, I was giving it to my mom. That’s the only thing I’m sure of.”

“You can use any of the rooms down the hall,” Casteneda pointed before leaving your little group of agents alone.

“I don’t think a cognitive is a good idea,” you finally spoke, stepping in front of Spencer defensively to stop him from following Emily.

“Why not?” she turned back to you. You were acutely aware of Rossi and Luke watching the exchange.

You glanced over your shoulder at Spencer, who was gazing at you with red-rimmed eyes.

“Your head isn’t clear enough yet.”

“I can still try,” he piped up from behind you. Emily raised her eyebrows, questioning how far you were going to fight this.

“I don’t want him accidentally implicating himself while there are still drugs in his system that could structure false memories.”

“With all the time he’s missing, that might happen anyways. This cognitive could give us some important information, just as much as it might give us false. We don’t have a lot of time, (y/n),” Emily was firm.

From a profiling standpoint, she was right. Any time was precious time, and Spencer had definitely come down enough to form more coherent thoughts. Your role in this case was not that of a profiler, though. It was like you had told Spencer a few hours prior, you were there to make sure he was safe, that whoever did this to him didn’t come back, and that he didn’t go to prison. You trusted that he didn’t commit the crimes he was facing, and you weren’t going to let him being doped up change that.

“I trust you,” Spencer spoke again, blinking slowly. You looked at Emily pointedly, “but I want to do the cognitive.”

“Spencer,” you pleaded. Letting your emotions come into play wouldn’t work with Emily but there was a chance you could get through with them to Spencer. You stared at each other intensely, none of your other colleagues daring to say a word.

Choosing to do a cognitive was something a coherent, clearheaded Spencer would do, you reasoned. As much as you still believed in your gut that he wasn’t ready, you trusted him.

“Let me do the interview,” you tried.

“No,” every agent in the room spoke at the same time, even Spencer. That was how you found yourself sitting on the floor again, this time outside of the room Emily was interviewing Spencer in.

Luke and Rossi came to stand protectively next to you. You knew they were keeping something from you, but you didn’t dare ask what. You were too busy staring down the man guarding the door. Screw international relations, you were ready to start a war with the entire country of Mexico for their wrongful arrest of Spencer.

Luke exchanged a few words in Spanish with the guard, before nudging you with his foot.

“What?”

“Take a breath, (y/n). He just asked me if you bite. If looks could kill you’d have murdered everyone in this precinct already.”

“Even if I did, they’d probably arrest Spencer and blame him for it,” you grumbled. Before either of the men could say anything, Emily stepped out of the interview room. She spoke quickly to the guard, who went inside. You were on your feet as soon as Emily shut the door. Luke grabbed your elbow as Emily told you about the cognitive, though you didn’t understand why until he spoke.

“They just charged Reid with the murder of Nadie Ramos.”

You thought your knees were going to give out. You would have been back on the floor if Luke hadn’t had a firm grip on your arm. Emily spoke some more, but your entire focus was on the door in front of you. Slowly it opened, the guard escorting Spencer back to the holding cell.

“I’m going with him,” you said, tearing your arm away from Luke and pushing past the other agents. Inspector Casteneda tried to stop you from entering the holding cell, but you put your foot down.

“I’ve been around more killers with him than I have with you. If he tries to kill me, so be it, maybe you’ll actually have something to charge him for,” you stepped past the man and plunked down on a bench facing Spencer.

“Is my mom ok?”

“Yeah, JJ’s keeping tabs on her. She’s safe. How’s your head?”

“Getting clearer, I think.”

“Good,” you whispered, settling into silence.

Emily didn’t look fazed when she saw you sitting in the cell with Spencer. She had Matt and Clara with her, and between them and Garcia you were somehow able to establish concurrent jurisdiction over Spencer’s case. Still, you had to watch them handcuff your best friend and start walking him away while Emily was on the phone. Finally she hung up.

“They’re taking it to their brass. Go get him,” she looked at you and Luke. You raced after him, letting Luke do the talking once you caught up to the officers. Saving Spencer from going to a maximum security prison was the highest priority right now, your beef with the Mexican police wouldn’t do you any good in remedying that.

Things moved quickly once Emily had made the proper phone calls, but you didn’t feel yourself start to relax until you were seated safely next to Spencer on the jet couch.

He reached over, taking your hand in his own and moving his fingers up to your wrist, starting to fidget with the bracelet you always wore.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” his voice was soft, meant only for you.

“I wish you had, Spence. I really do, but there’s nothing we can do to change that now. We just have to fight until we figure out what’s going on,” you leaned closer to him, resting your head on his shoulder, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be more help down there.”

“I’m on my way home, aren’t I?”

“No thanks to me. If I had acted how I wanted, we’d both be on our way to El Diablo right now,” you joked half-heartedly.

“You’re the only person I’d want to go to jail with,” he joked back.

“I don’t know, your odds might be better if you picked Prentiss. She got beat up by a cult leader for you, that’s hardcore.”

“She also faked her own death, who’s to say she wouldn’t do it again as an escape plan? You wouldn’t leave me,” while this kind of banter was normal for the two of you, it felt weird discussing theoretical jail when prison was a very real possibility for the man sitting next to you.

“I won’t leave you. Ever. No matter what, you’re stuck with me,” you reminded him.

“Even if I’m in prison for the rest of my life?”

“You’re not going to be in prison for the rest of your life,” you grumbled, “but even if you were, I wouldn’t miss a visiting day. You can’t get rid of me that easily, Spence.”

“I know,” he whispered, “how do you think this is going to end?”

“Best case, we get a tip-top legal team and you’re acquitted before there’s even speculation of you going to prison,” your confidence was evident.

“And worst case?”

“I don’t want to think about that.”

“I want to know, (y/n). I trust you,” he wasn’t going to let you off the hook that easily.

You sighed, “you were framed for everything illegal that happened in Mexico. I have no doubts about that, never had, never will. Worst case, we can’t prove it and you serve a full sentence because of it.”

“You will prove it though.”

“If anyone can do it, it’s us. Honestly, I think it’ll fall somewhere in the middle. Even with the best of the best legal team, there’s still a lot of uncertainty about what happened. It might take time to put all of the pieces together.”

“I appreciate your honesty,” Spencer’s voice dropped even quieter, “everyone else is walking on eggshells around me.”

“To be fair, you were pretty heavily drugged when we first got down there. And the jeans? It was like looking at a stranger, you weren’t yourself.”

“You don’t like the jeans?” you could tell he was teasing to try to lighten the mood.

“I really don’t. The first thing I’m doing when we get back home is finding you some Pretty Boy pants.”

“Of all of the priorities you could have,” he laughed.

“You’re the only you we’ve got, Spencer. Prison, drugs, Mexico, Alzheimer’s, I’m not letting anything take quintessential you away from us, even if it means getting you a new pair of pants.”

GALAXY MASTERLIST

[kdtheghostwriter]

SNK #133 - There They Go

No one:

The 104th:

The plane’s engines as our heroes hurtle toward certain doom:

Levi: Okay, but really, if I could get a spare moment to skewer Zeke like a kebob that’d be pretty cool.

Not that we needed a reminder, but Captain Levi is not allowed to beef it until he has confirmation of Zeke Jaeger’s cooling form. I don’t know if Hange actually thought that killing Zeke would end the Rumbling. They’ve made observations like this before. Not that it matters. Eren soon confirms what Reiner surmised in the plane. I’ll get to that later.

 I’ll be going out of order because the B thread takes up a small amount of panels comparatively and I want to get it out of the way so to speak. Annie, the kids and Kiyomi are sailing to Hizuru, presumably with the engineers in tow. We get confirmation of something that’s been hinted at to the point of it being more meme than meta. There was a Flying Titan, and the character named after a bird is the key to seeing it once again. Funny that.

Also, the Female Titan isn’t the ‘female’ Titan. At least, that’s what I gathered. Annie remarks that her Titan form didn’t have any special trait like the others so they conducted numerous experiments. One of their findings, apparently, was that this Titan form imitates the abilities of a Titan by eating part of it. So, it’s not the Female Titan, it’s the Kirby Titan. I mean, technically all Shifters are Kirby Titans but this one is specifically.

Anyway, because he ingested Zeke’s spinal fluid, young Falco was able to get a peek into the memories of a former holder of the Beast Titan. That holder was flying and Falco surmises he can, too. Annie not incorrectly points out that they’re on a literal boat that would surely capsize if he transformed. Kiyomi, feeling guilty for helping to arrange the initial meeting between the Jaeger Bros, says that she doesn’t care if the ship sinks. That’s all well and good but uh…hello? There’s mad people on this boat that probably don’t like the idea of sinking.

Anyway. Back to PATHS.

Okay I jumped the gun a bit. First some exposition by Reiner cleverly disguised as introspection. It’s a little of both, to be fair, but Reiner here is a vehicle for setting the table for our protagonists. Armin and more specifically Mikasa have a serious choice to make. Eren or the world. Reiner all but tells Armin that he’ll have to nuke Eren with his Colossal transformation. What’s more is that Armin agrees. Mikasa does not but it’s quickly revealed that she may not have another choice.

The line has, metaphysically, been drawn in the sand. No more words! I guess Eren got the memo of how little story is left. He even answered Armin’s question of why he didn’t turn off their Titan powers. All of them are free: he is free to destroy the world and they are free to stop him. The only way to stop him is to kill him. We suspected this but shout-outs to Eren for removing all doubt. Now it really is Eren or the world for Armin and Mikasa. Granted, we did see a flicker of the old Eren before the influence of the Founder took command, there’s no turning back to Eren now; it’s his own skin in the game. I’ve noted this before but the fact that he’s got no body inside the Titan head and this massive exoskeleton is jutting from his vertebrae says to me that this is his final act either way. Remember that Gabi decapitated him with an anti-armor round. If he wanted a new body, he could have just made one but no, it was this monstrosity that flew out of his evacuated neck.

I do wonder about Founder Ymir after this is over. Will she finally get her rest? She’s no longer bound by royal blood. Technically, she never was to begin with, only her obligation. Eren removed that obligation. He is now her vessel. Targeting Zeke is not a bad theory but he ultimately was not the one to give the order.

No, wait! I take that back because if you’ll remember he did give the order and Ymir ignored him. Eren is the one who started the Rumbling. Killing Zeke would do nothing except make Levi and his fans very happy. I think Reiner is on the right track saying Eren wants them to stop him but I’ll amend it a bit and say that he believes they can stop him. The two outcomes for Eren here are: he accomplishes his goal or is freed from his suffering. I don’t think it matters much to him which it is. Perhaps the biggest reason why the Alliance can still use their powers in the first place.

Oh, and Annie’s dad is still alive. I figured he was. With a few exceptions, Isayama usually doesn’t have dramatic deaths occur offscreen. Reiner’s mom has escaped along with them and dozens of other Eldians displaced by Eren’s apocalypse. They’re on a train, speeding up a plateau toward a hangar of spare airships. I say spare because most of them have taken off. They’re going on a bombing run with The Usurper and his front line in their sights.

It’s difficult to say how effective this will be. It won’t work, obviously, because none of our protagonists are in those airships but we will get some nice double spreads of wonton environmental destruction as tons and tons of explosives are dropped on tons and tons of monster. It’ll be a spectacle at least.

I will say as a minor critique that having Reiner wax poetic yet again on how he and Eren are the same and his squad and the 104th were the same is a bit redundant. I feel like we got that loud and clear on the night of the raid. It felt like sitting in IT: Chapter 2 when we were building up to killing the evil clown [slash] eldritch horror from space but we stopped right before the climactic battle to go through the Spook House again. It was much more egregious in the movie because the movie was over two hours. At least here I can read at my own pace but those panels felt superfluous.

I honestly have no idea how this ends. I know how it could end. For the first time in years, though, I’m not sure which direction we take. There are multiple different outcomes and at this moment it seems we are in a race to find the path that’s least depressing. The situation seems overtly bleak and barring some PATHS-fueled Deus Ex I don’t see that changing soon. The Alliance is flying to Eren. Falco will soon be flying to Eren. Armed warships are flying to Eren. Multiple combustible elements are converging on one spot. All according to keikaku.

Stray Thoughts

- Annie misses Armin and it makes sense when you recall that he talked to her almost every day for four years. They’re practically dating already. I hope she sees her dad again, but I also hope she and Armin get a chance to live quietly together in a place that hasn’t been flattened.

- Falco continues to be the goodest sweet boy. Annie was comically abrasive in return but that wasn’t unexpected either.

- Reiner was seconds away from telling Mikasa that she has to kill Eren, and I guess he must have sensed it, as he interrupted to tell them himself and remove all doubt. He doesn’t want her backing down from this and she won’t.

- Levi is in a near catatonic state. Being transported to the PATHS dimension doesn’t even phase him. Everyone else is heaving deep breaths and he barely registers being back. It joked earlier but I do hope he sees his mission through. It’s tough to see him this defeated.

[ohblushes]

one thing i both love & get frustrated by in tf is how well jonny schools his emotions, combined with patrick's emotional state affecting how much he's able to focus on jon's facial expressions. it really puts us in pat's head, and makes for a really good read, but then there are times that i'd kill to know what jonny's thinking. (particularly, "When I can't help it anymore, I kneel by my bed and I. I think about you" & "I can always sign with a different team" but honestly just all of cpt 9)

ahh thank you!! man i have such a thing for like... jonny flipping his shit on the inside because patrick is touching him, but keeping it pulled together because he doesn’t want to spook patrick or overwhelm him in early stages of their relationship.

i probably don’t need to say this, but i’m also really into the idea of jonny kind of... drawing answers out of patrick? coaxing him into engaging in the way jonny wants. but i also needed a way to show that patrick was in subspace without realizing it from his own POV and that speech cadence ended up working out pretty well.

and some thoughts on chapter 9 since it is a slow lazy morning as i await my covid test results (eta omg i’m so sorry this turned into a monster and i did not intend that):

And Patrick had hoped that maybe he'd get to play on Jonny's line, even for a little while, especially as long as Jonny didn't take his spot as scoring leader. Jonny was brilliant, a two-way player, someone who could go to the boards in a way Patrick couldn't. He was also kind of—Patrick shouldn't have been looking at him like that, because it wouldn't help his career, but—

"Close your hand. Good. Now open it again. Good, baby, you're so good."

Jonny was… really cute. Even gangly, even gawky and baby-faced; Patrick wasn't supposed to notice dominants, but he couldn't help but notice Jonny. Not that he figured Jonny would pay much attention to him, at least not until they were out on the ice and Patrick made him pay attention.

i had this flashback in mind for the opening of this chapter, but i realized i needed a way to ground it in what had just happened with patrick safewording, and make it clear right off the bat that jonny came after him. (of course jonny came after him!!) also i kind of think at that age that patrick had already been subjected to several well-meaning but probably harmful talks on how he wasn’t supposed to notice or pay attention to doms Like That, he was supposed to act like he wasn’t a sub and play the game first. 

anyway! this whole situation from jonny’s perspective is MUCH WORSE than it is from patrick’s. i have in the back of my head that jonny had training as... a therapeutic dom, is maybe the best way to put it? like he knows how to deal with subdrop and subshock, but it’s an entirely different situation to see the love of his life on the floor curled up against a cabinet and to all appearances catatonic. so he starts trying to slowly bring patrick out of it, but the whole time he’s trying to deal with the idea that he might’ve been the one to cause this, and on top of that it seems severe enough that he’s wondering if patrick needs to go to a hospital.

...and succeeding only in spilling all of his crap onto the floor. He'd huffed at himself and dropped the bag to start collecting everything, but by then Jonny was there, crouched down on one knee as he picked up Patrick's gloves."Oh," Patrick had probably said, and then, "Thank you," and Jonny had grinned at him and climbed back to his feet.

lol baby jonny meets baby patrick and immediately goes down on one knee, i couldn’t help myself.

Patrick staggers, backs up, and manages to get the kitchen island between himself and Jonny. He has to hang on to the counter the whole way; his limbs feel numb, but there's something he has to do, he has to, he has to fit those pieces back together. 

jonny’s in triage mode at this point, and it’s taking everything he has to basically not... lunge for patrick, because he has a pretty realistic fear that patrick’s not going to be able to stay on his feet. but he also thinks that patrick safeworded because jonny screwed up and there’s no way he’s going to try to lay hands on patrick until he is absolutely sure patrick’s okay with it.

And then he remembers what he was supposed to say: "Thanks for, you know, coming to check on me."

"Jesus, Patrick, you don't have to thank me for that—"

"Anway," Patrick says, "I think we probably shouldn't. We shouldn't sleep together anymore, that's enough times to prove I'm just space-resistant, maybe, maybe you should ask the sub at the juice bar out?"

in the moment most of this flies right by jonny but the next day his brain is probably like: what the fuuuuuuuuuck. and he’s already kind of a ball of rage over the way he suspects patrick has been treated, but finding out that patrick thinks jonny deserves to be thanked for something as simple as checking on him when he’s dropping this hard makes him incandescently furious.

and then there’s the moment with the shoe drops about the sub at the juice bar, but i already wrote that part!

"Patrick. How long have you been in love with me?"

this is not how jonny intended this conversation to go but he’s running on fumes and struggling himself and he needs some way to slow patrick’s roll, so this is what comes out. because he was already pretty sure, but now he’s absolutely sure, he has all the pieces he needs to understand not only what patrick was hiding but why.

"Since we were rookies?" A pause. "Before?"

He can't talk, there's a sob caught in his throat, but Jonny must understand what he's seeing. "Jesus," he says, shocked. "Fuck. I had no idea. This whole fucking time, and I didn't have a clue."

jonny DID NOT SEE THIS COMING. he’d been trying to piece together a timeline under the assumption that patrick hadn’t been in this as long as he had, that there must’ve been some point in the last few months or years when patrick tipped over the edge. 

and again, if he were thinking clearly, he never would’ve approached their big conversation like this - where patrick’s basically left hanging for the five or ten minutes they take to work through everything. 

"I know you have no reason to believe me," he says, "but I can be professional. I'll back whatever narrative you tell the team."

"God," says Jonny, who sounds not shocked but sick. "You really can hide it that well."

this is the point where it really all starts to click for jonny. jonny is aware that he is not the best at hiding how he feels and that he lights up when he talks about patrick, but he always figures that can pass for fondness. he knows that patrick plays things closer to his chest, but that he’s able to hide this well really does make jonny sick. 

"Because people would speculate about why I would ever fuck you," Jonny says, like he's finally starting to understand.

this appalls jonny - not just the idea that patrick thinks he’s a bad sub, but that he thinks jonny would be ashamed to be with him. that idea popped up under the cover of their roleplay in chapter 5 but jonny’s really starting to understand how much shit patrick has internalized.

"Right. So, uh, if that doesn't—I'd rather not have to find a way out of my contract, but if you still don't want… if it isn't working by the time that's up, I can always sign with a different team."

and this is when jonny really starts to get not that patrick’s in love with him but how deeply patrick’s in love with him, because he knows with absolutely certainty that patrick would fight tooth and nail to stay with the hawks, that he’s sure of his place on the team and knows he’s a fucking cornerstone and loves being in chicago. that he’d sacrifice his place merely for jonny’s comfort is a level of devotion jonny thought only he was capable of.

"How do you know you freak out when someone tries to humiliate you or hit you or fucking share you?"

"I've tried, okay," Patrick says, and all his fight drains out of him as quickly as it funneled in. He's so tired, he just wants Jonny to leave so he can lie down and rest. "I've tried. I swear I'm not talking out of my ass."

what’s maybe the worst to jonny here is that patrick has actively sought to put himself in situations that he knows he won’t like. also the idea that any of patrick’s doms would be okay with watching someone else touch patrick is totally unthinkable to jonny, but he knows that’s him projecting lol. 

(i wanted to make it really clear that this wasn’t a universal monogamy-above-all thing, just that what 1988 want in a relationship with each other. polycules are pretty common in this universe! but jonny and patrick are possessive in a way that precludes that rather than possessive in a way that encourages it.)

"No," Jonny snaps back, "you don't get it. You've been stuck in this shitty fucking environment from the time you were seven years old where people make you feel like you're broken for being a sub, and you end up dating assholes because you think you don't deserve—no, because it doesn't even occur to you that you deserve better, that you're worth more than that!"

this is what is hopefully mic drop #1 of 2. patrick didn’t just happen into a series of relationships where his needs weren’t considered, he (probably) subconsciously selected partners based on what he thought his desirability and “goodness” as a sub were. his emotional logic was that if he wanted more, there was something wrong with him; that if he was unfulfilled or treated poorly, he was because he deserved to be unfulfilled and treated poorly; and that if his doms where unhappy with his behavior, especially in the bedroom, it was because he wasn’t much of a sub at all. 

jonny gets that. patrick doesn’t, because emotional logic != real logic.

"You dropped," Jonny says. "You know that was beyond normal subdrop, right? You were almost catatonic, you shouldn't even be on your feet right now."

patrick does not have it together lol

"Fuck, that's what you meant by 'freaked out' this whole time," Jonny says. He inhales shakily and drags his hand over his face. "That time in your bathroom, you almost went into subshock just because I told you no."

patrick really does not have it together lol

jonny’s heartbroken. he thought he was handling patrick as gently as he needed to be handled (and he absolutely was), but now he’s stuck thinking about how close he was to this point, and how much patrick downplays how things affect him.

"Let me get this straight," Jonny says. "You have multiple times been deliberately pushed past your limits to the point of having panic attacks and my number is your safeword because the thought of me is the one thing that makes you feel protected enough to get home so you can drop in private?"

"A couple of people have asked about… about it," Patrick starts, "but I tell them that I would've gone with eighty-eight, except that's kind of arrogant even for me, so nineteen because—my birthday. If you're worried, I don't think anyone's connected it to you, I promise."

"I'm not even close to worried about that."

this is not the good cover that patrick thinks it is. meanwhile jonny is just... heartbroken that patrick misunderstands his point so badly, and he’s having his own faulty emotional logic here where even though there’s no way he could have known that patrick was clinging to jonny to get him through bad experiences, he feels like he should’ve been there for patrick. that’s something they definitely talk through in the future. jonny’s so hard on himself!!

"I thought I hurt you, I couldn't stop… I couldn't stop thinking about your hands."

"No," Patrick says.

"Or that I said something that made you feel unsafe, that hurt you so badly you had to get away from me—"

and then we get jonny dropping. i wanted a moment like this from the beginning for a couple of reasons. top drop doesn’t pop up enough in fic! and dom headspace is just as real and can be just as vulnerable as sub headspace - there’s that same level of heightened emotional engagement even though they’re on different sides of the power exchange. plus, even though the bulk of trust fall is about jonny taking care of patrick, their relationship ultimately has a very equal give and take, and patrick is just as much jonny’s emotional guardian as jonny is his. i tried to give that a little focus in chapter 6, too. but jonny getting to shake apart like this in patrick’s arms means a lot to him.

He tells Patrick that he's good, so Patrick says, "You're so good." And Jonny holds him, so Patrick burrows his face against Jonny's jaw and says into his throat, "You didn't hurt me." And Jonny reassures him, so Patrick says, "I trust you," and he says it again, and he says it over and over until Jonny's heart rate starts to calm. 

jonny also looks back on this with fondness, not only because patrick tells him what he needs to hear and not only because knowing that patrick trusts him is everything he ever wanted out of life, but also because it reveals that patrick has started to internalize everything jonny has told him.

"I'm in love with you," Patrick says. "I've been in love with you for a really, really long time."

Jonny smiles and presses a kiss to Patrick's palm. "I know," he says. "It just took me a really, really long time to figure it out." And he sounds okay with it, like he doesn't mind, like Patrick hasn't ruined anything. No, he doesn't sound okay; he sounds happy.

possibly jonny has never been this happy in his life?????

okay and i’m cutting myself off before this gets any more excessive BUT

"It was for you." Patrick leans back a little further, lets Jonny take even more of his weight. "When I can't help it anymore, I kneel by my bed and I. I think about you. Sometimes I tie my legs together," he adds, because it seems like Jonny might like that. "I try not to do—not very often, because it always makes me feel bad, but maybe… maybe it isn't bad?"

this makes jonny sad

but it’s also a little bit boner-inducing, and some echo of nineteen-year-old jonny is nutting so hard over this revelation