#anyway i think i have to unfollow someone cause they just......are too straight to understand what makes a horror story good

[niksfics]

↬ FATE

↬ PAIRINGS: kenma x f!reader (side aka rebound mention) miya atsumu x f!reader

↬ WARNINGS: a whole lotta angst, breakup, it’s an online relationship, kenma is cold and hurts ur feelings

↬ SUMMARY: your relationship with kenma really had felt like the last one. He was it, turns out he didn’t have similar feelings.

↬ A/N: alright loves!! This isn’t proofread at all it’s 2 in the morning I’ll edit when I wake up, butttt Thanks to my lovely ex girlfriend you are now being graced with this steaming pile of trash. (Lovely was not meant sarcastically at all she is in fact very lovely.) Ngl almost, if not all of this story is about my relationship with my ex gf. This is how I cope people. ￫ It’s taken me awhile to actually be able to right something that’s why things kinda stopped. Tbh after she broke up with me it’s been very hard for me to write so hopefully this helps! And I hope you enjoy!! I would also just like to say if it feels a lil weird it’s cause these are things I’ve actually written in my notes I tweaked it a little to fit the story but it’s straight from the source 😩

WC | 2.5K

You sighed as you opened your notes app. Your eyes scanning over all of the little facts and quirks he had told you about himself. All the stuff you’d wanted to remember. The stuff that had seemed so important to you before. Now it was meaningless, almost like facts about a stranger. Almost as if you hadn’t spent four months learning about and growing with eachother.

You scrolled down a little bit right under, how his favorite marvel character is Spider-Man and you chewed on your lip. Your fingers hovering above the keyboard on your phone. You looked over the facts again. The things he dislikes and the stuff he adores, the things he likes to collect to the way he feels passionately about a certain topic. You begin to type.

Friday June 25th 2022 12:22 Am

I cried again tonight, because I still love you. It’s been a month and six days since we broke up. It feels like there’s a hole in my chest. You seem to be doing fine though, so I’m happy for you! This is the second time since we’ve broken up that I’ve felt actual physical emotional pain in my chest. Remember when I told you how bad it hurt after we broke up? Remember how you didn’t even ask if I was ok? Didn’t even bother to answer. Do you remember that? I remember. I’ve thought about it every day since. I remember it being so bad I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack. Wasn’t until I’d called tetsu crying that he’d told me it was just emotional and I should probably try to relax.

I read through our old messages. I’ve never wanted something back so bad. Never wanted to beg anyone to stay till now. I wish you loved me like I love you. I wish I hadn’t grown so attached, wish I hadn’t fallen so deeply into love with you. I wish it wasn’t my fault that we broke up. I wish I wasn’t so fucking scared. I wish I was fearless. Wish I could rise into love bravely. I wish I was brave when it came to you. I keep telling myself it was me. It was me not you. You didn’t love me anymore. You don’t love me anymore and you’re just too nice to say that. So you told me in the only way I could handle. Except you hadn’t used the words you should have. You got bored. We both know it’s true. You were bored of it, and I don’t blame you. I know we’ll never talk again, and part of me is so glad. Another part of me forces myself to read through all our messages though. I wish I could just tell you one last time. I love you.

You sighed saving it before closing out of it. Tears you hadn’t known were falling finally became known to you as they streamed down your cheeks. Your eyes puffy as you wet your lips, the salt of them coating your tongue. You were bitter and so were your tears. I briefly wondered what he was doing right now. Probably playing a video game. You knew his schedule all to well by now. Probably testing out a new game for his stream.

A new set of fresh tears fell as you remembered how you used to call him right before he went on. Being lulled to sleep by his occasionally curses and the clicking oh his controller or his keyboard.

You never expected things to end this way. You really thought he was the last one. Yes it had only been four months, but the way he made you feel. The way that it had felt. It had felt final, and you’d been friends before you even started dating.

You sniffle moving yourself to the kitchen to poor yourself a glass of water as you remembered how nervous you were when you first texted him. You had acumulated quite the crush on him back in high school. As Inarazaki’s manager you were required to go to the games, and even after your team lost you had stuck around. Watched him play and cheered him on. Two weeks later you had begun to text, as friends of course. It wasn’t until four months ago that you’d gotten together.

Your anniversary was only two days prior to your break up. You both had never been one to even care about that stuff. You had agreed early on in the relationship that we wouldn’t do anything due to the distance, and the business of our schedules. You were never one for remembering things like anniversaries anyways.

He really did feel like the one. Sometimes you just know. Sometimes you can just feel it. Like, you know that feeling you get when you know something is off or you know for sure something is about to happen even without being told it’s going to. That’s what it felt like to be with kozume kenma.

You thought you knew, you thought this time, this time its for real. You thought it was finally safe to say, that he was the one. You both had even admitted to looking for each others initials in those stupid soulmate tik tok videos.

You were finally in a mature relationship with someone you could talk about anything to. You had gotten so caught up in it, that you didn’t even see the end creeping up on you.

↝

You’d finally gained the courage to text him again. Unfortunately it was in a drunken daze. Your hands shaking as you fumbled with your phone typing things you’d come to regret in the morning. You’d sent him a series of texts telling him how much you missed him, how you didn’t understand how he was so okay. You had been a wreck that night. One of your friends puking in her toilet as you cried. You were happy of course that he was doing so well, but you’d been a wreck for so long and he hadn’t even changed. You told him you wished you could be okay.

When you’d awoken the next morning hair knotted in a complete mess and wiping drool from your chin your heart had sunk even lower. His response was cold. You knew that kenma could be cold. You knew that it was just who he was, but this particular text had felt so unfeeling and unfamiliar, it was as if he hadn’t even sent it himself. He had only ever talked like this to you once and that was when you first became friends all those years ago.

Kozume ❤️

Hey, it’s okay. And yeah you see what I choose to put up. I could be better. But I choose to stay optimistic and busy. Sorry that things are this way.

You had never seen so many periods in a text before. He only used grammar like that when he was peeved, and maybe you were wrong, maybe he’d done that on purpose, but it had hurt so bad. It had caused an ache so deep in your chest that you weren’t sure if you’d ever even dated him at all.

Yeah.

It was the only thing you could bring yourself to respond back with. How were you supposed to respond to that? You’d stared at it for so long and after you’d sent it you wished you had said more. Wished you would’ve said something more insightful than a simple, heartbroken, “yeah.”

Not too long later there was another ping and you held your breath. His name briefly appearing across your screen.

Yeah. I could be better. But I hope you do well soon. I’m sorry that I can’t really do much to help out

And of course you did the only thing you could do. Deflect. Pretend like you hadn’t said what you’d said not even fourteen hours ago.

No it’s fine. I’m fine. You don’t have to apologize. I’m sorry that you could be doing better.

He left you on seen. You knew you sounded like an asshole. At least to you, you felt like an asshole. Why couldn’t you have come up with something else. Why couldn’t you tell him the truth. Tell him how you felt. Tell him that you didn’t think you should be broken up anymore. That the month long cruel joke was over and you were ready to spend your nights falling asleep to him playing video games again. You didn’t though, and you never would. You’re not brave enough, too prideful to even try.

You swallowed down the bile rising in your throat as you realized even if you did beg him. Begged him to take you back. Tell him that you still love him. You were too late, and you just couldn’t be selfish when it comes to him. He is over you and it was so plainly obvious. You know that deep down. Know that he’s moved on, and it kills you inside. So you did the only thing you could do. Try and put it into words.

So as you lay in bed the warm body you let occupy your space sound asleep beside you, his toned blonde hair tousled slightly and you sighed. Finally away from the shenanigans of your friends you took a deep breath before you closed your eyes.

You opened up your notes app again and scrolled past the last entry. You swallowed again as you blinked the tears out of your eyes. Your thumbs beginning to move before you even gave them permission.

Wednesday June 30th 2022 1:39 Am

Here I am again. Stuck. Stuck in the same place I’ve been for so long. You know, I write so beautifully when I’m broken. I’m most of my best work is written when I’m being torn apart. But I just, I can’t seem to find the words. I can’t seem to put it into a document and turn out little story into a different story to cope. Can’t seem to write it out. Can’t seem to move on.

I hovered over the unfollow button on your page today, to keep myself from scrolling through your things again. To keep myself from getting hurt. So I don’t have to be reminded. I want to delete it. Delete where we officially met. On a chat through my screen. I wanna wipe the messages clean. And I’ve tried. Oh how I’ve tried. But I can’t.

I want to delete our conversations. The hours long talks we had, but then, what happens afterwards? What keeps the memories alive. I’d never been so in love with someone before. I’ve never actually…. Been in love before. I thought I’d been in love, but it didn’t feel like that, and losing them never hurt like this. Losing someone has never hurt this bad before.

I’ve never felt the emptiness you left so deep in my very being with anyone I’ve ever met before. I can’t seem to pull myself together. And it’s pathetic I know. It’s pathetic that I’m still here. In the same place I was a month ago. It’s about to be two months we’ve haven’t been together. I’m hurting. Hurting so bad. It’s painful to look at you.

I haven’t deleted the photos even though I probably should. They’re still tucked away in an album in my camera roll labeled “us <3” the one one I made specially just for you. The way I’d been so excited when I was finally ready to tell my friends. I even have this stupid notes folder from when we were dating where I wrote all the little things about you that I never wanted to forget. I find you so endearing. Everything you do. I just couldn’t help but right it down to keep it safe so it never leaves my mind. So that I never forget. But now, forgetting is all I want to do.

I never thought there’d be a time in my life where I was more emotionally stunted that I normally. So stunted I can’t even put this, our split up, into words. Make it something entertaining for somebody else to read. Write a book about it. My publicist keeps asking when the sequel for my book will be done. I don’t know if it’ll ever be finished. I can’t do the one thing I’ve always been good at. I’m crying as I write this.

And I wish it would just end here in this little notes app. Wish the love would die in here. I always think I’m over you and then I see you again, and nowadays your everywhere. A very big hit and I’m happy for you and your success, but seeing you makes my heart squeeze in my chest.

I think I’m over you until I play that stupid fucking game that causes me to scream at my phone, or my laptop in frustration, but I just can’t seem to delete it because I know it’s something that you love. That show we used to talk about. I know you know which one, I can’t seem to watch it without thinking of what was. You’ve ruined it forever cause now it only reminds me of you. I know you’ll never see this, but I like to imagine you can. That my time for closure has somehow come.

When you told me you were sorry that things were this way, it was a real slap in the face. It stopped my false hope. My wishing. It all came to a halt. I’m glad. Glad that you’re happier. That you’re better without me. But god, now I’m so fucked up and I can’t even talk to you.

You were the only person I had left. The only one who understood me. And now you’re gone. You took a part of me with you that night. A part that I’ll never get back. I should’ve known that you would leave. I’ve never been able to get someone to stay for longer than three to four months.

I thought I could let my guard down though. I thought we were in the clear. I’d thought finally. Finally someone is gonna stay. I thought you were my person. I still think that to this day. I thought we were gonna make it. And now I’m with this guy I don’t even like. He’s not you, he doesn’t act like you. He doesn’t like video games like you do.

He doesn’t talk to me like you do. Like you did. But you know how it ended I don’t need to put it here. Unfortunately I’ll always love you even if you don’t love me. This is so scattered, I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy.

With that you closed the app and put down your phone. Plugging in it and as it dinged miya atsumu rolled over in his sleep. He reached for you his hands wrapping around your waist to tug you against his strong body.

His gravely voice whispering through sleep, “mmm finally decided to come to bed?” You hum moving an arm under on of his to wrap around his thin waist. “Mhm, thought you might need the company.” You began to draw little shapes and letters against his back as he chuckled, “oh yea? How thoughtful of you princess.”

Suddenly it was quiet and your closed eyes opened to his wide brown ones, his eyebrows furrowing .

“Did you just spell kozume on my back?”

[system-of-a-feather]

How do you feel about endos? Just curious.

Oookay, Riku will probably never get around to this, and while Riku wants to “get all the aspects” addressed in a “diplomatic” manner because it is a “complex and multifaceted discussion”, but they are over thinking this and will literally never do it so I’ll go with the really rough outline that they started and fill it in with what I know of our system.

Sorry if I sound really inflammatory, I’m not a diplomatic person lel 

Also, for comedy sake, I am going to maintain everything Riku kept in this outline and try my best to fill it out. A lot of this I am completely lost on so, there will be moments where I am clearly confused lel

I may get some of our opinions “wrong” because I’m kind of taking a guess from my access of the brain, so I apologize if Riku looks at any asks or reblogs we might get from this and goes WHY DID ADERIS SAY THAT?! I’m trying my best

===

Overall TLDR Opinion: So as a system, we don’t like to be too involved in it publicly. Its a multilayered complex topic with too much nuance for it to be worth advocating for or against, and with how large of a cultural phenomenon it is, it isn’t going to change with us. We don’t think it is likely that DID can be formed without trauma, but we also don’t write it off fully. We strongly however do not like “intentional” systems and find it really offensive and gross. With that being said, we also recognize issues in being too forward about that, so we don’t bother with it much.

More details below the keep reading.

-Aderis (Local Discourse Alter)

Can I follow if…

Yes. We really don’t limit or care who is following us. If you identify as an endogenic, singlet, fictionkin, a roll of toothpaste, we really don’t mind or care. I mean, we’d prefer if transphobes and homophobes and all those gross things weren’t following us because honestly - G r o s s - but also like, whatever.

I guess the only people we don’t want following are people that are actively going to use our posts to hurt others or to fetishize trauma or anything? I don’t think we have much worry for that but yeah nah. If you are endogenic or whatever, you can still follow. Just know that our writing isn’t written for an endogenic crowd.

====

Stages of Understanding DID and Endogenic Spaces

I don’t FUCKING know what Riku meant this. What the FUCK is “stages of understanding DID”? I’ve been sitting here for like... five minutes trying to understand what that meant, but I *think* they were trying to get at the idea of how people come to terms with DID.

If that is the case, then one reasons we don’t want to bash or actively advocate against endogenics is that identifying as an endogenic / endogenic-parallel concepts or finding concepts put out there by endogenics is kind of a stage / easier way to accept the situation since it doesn’t carry to baggage of having to accept that you were abused / mistreated. 

It isn’t necessarily the healthiest and there is a large concern of getting misinformation and feeding the denial or learning really bad coping mechanisms through those environments, so we don’t think it is a **good** purpose or environment to be in, but the last thing we’d want is to force people who are still struggling to understand their mental state and come to terms with the past that they *have* to admit that they were really fucked up and hurt by things that had happened in the past.

We have a lot of mixed feelings and don’t have a firm stance on if that role in coming to terms with DID is good or not so we really don’t know there or have firm opinions. Since we don’t have firm opinions, we default to “we don’t want to rush / control / dictate what other people with DID are doing in their path of healing and we don’t want to rush people’s healing journey with DID” so we refrain from involving or telling people one thing or the next.

====

Intentional Systems / Tulpamancy Systems

We think they are really offensive and problematic. We instantaneously unfollow and block systems that claim to be intentional, and we tend to unfollow people who post about intentional systems. That is the part of the endogenic community we have very little patience for.

We do know there are still probably actual DID / OSDD systems out there that use those terms to write off their condition similar to endogenics mentioned above, but the amount of damage these ones do and the just straight up often horrible thoughts and opinions about DID that they have outweighs our opinion on not budding our head where it doesn’t belong.

Don’t fetishize / make our disorder a fun thing.

====

Median Systems

Uhh.... I think Riku was going to mention something about how we found out that some people have multiple people in their head through median systems and came to understand that as ourselves and learned beyond that???

I don’t really know what stands out in specific about Median Systems though. I think there might be an opinion somewhere about BPD and Median systems? But generally we also put this in the same categroy as “stages of understanding DID”. Maybe if Riku comes around they can explain if they even know.

====

Can you have a system without trauma?

Oooookaaay, this is one Riku would be 10000% better at answering because they have a lot of nerd stuff about this about science and psychology and statistics and research and shit. I’m not that savvy in those topics though? So I guess I’ll give you a quick rundown from the gist.

We don’t think that it is likely that you can have a system - a true dissociative system with dissociated parts - without trauma. That though comes with the key word “likely”. We are very much open to the possibility / idea that other methods could form dissociated parts and are actually a bit keen into maybe some day doing research on it. Science and research has backed that DID is formed due to disorganized attachment to caregivers and repeated trauma at a young age, but DID is very under researched, psychology is a soft science, and very little about the conscious, identity, and dissociation is actually firmly known.

Until the exact neurological structure / reasoning / process to how DID forms and how it differs from those that don’t have it, we really hesitate to put it in any box because that’s really not how mental health works. It might be that the majority of cases are due to trauma, but theoretically other disorders can cause pretty dissociation and if said disorders occurred at a young enough age, then theoretically maybe something like that could happen. There is somewhere in this brain a tab on ADHD or something, but I can’t go into that cause I really wouldn’t do it a service.

The really condensed version is we don’t think so with our current understanding and readings, but we don’t think it is 100% certain and there is a very reasonable possibility that there is something out there, a different path way that can cause the DID we know - or a different condition that looks and appears similar to DID but is fundamentally different.

You rarely ever *know* anything in psych, especially with something so abstract of a disorder with little research on it such as DID and how consciousness / states of consciousness work in the brain to really be claiming anything so certainly.

====

Should endogenics be considered DID?

I don’t care?? Honestly, our system is generally of the consensus that until evidence comes to show that it is possible AND the same disorder, then no. And even then, I think the question Riku meant was “should endogenics and DID be related / equated / in the same space” which is a strong no.

Even if endogenics are real and are possible, the amount of which trauma plays into what we currently know as DID is so ridiculous that there is honestly little overlap other than the “same hat” of having multiple parts in a body. So much of DID is much more about “spicy” C-PTSD with the exclusive DLC of thick dissociative barriers. A lot of our experience is centered around navigating trauma and helping parts grow beyond the trauma that seeded their existence and I really don’t know how much of that would be able to be properly understood and shared with someone who has NO trauma? I also feel as though inherently the dynamics between parts would HAVE to be extremely different without trauma because all of the “roles” in our system are fundamentally absed on how we are because of our trauma and how we cope and manage things.

====

Endogenics on Social Media / Practically Speaking?

We leave them alone for the most part. If they aren’t being toxic or spreading misinformation, its really not our deal to care about much - and even then it really isn’t. We have a lot of other things in our life to care about and we really don’t have the time or energy to get worked up, heated, stressed, or anything because we see someone claiming to have parts without trauma. 

I say let people be people and do things as people do so long as they aren’t harming anyone. We disagree and are technically “sysmeds” or whatever, but like, its not that huge of a thing.

Anyways, that’s all.

[peachymess]

I'm honestly so perplexed by that last Freddy Krueger anon. Like.. you don't owe anyone an intrinsic explanation about why you like the fictional villains that you like in order to appease people. If someone feels unsafe on your blog, the block and unfollow buttons are free. It never fails to surprise me how entitled some people feel to demand explanation for everything, when they are in full control of who they follow at any given time and can easily unfollow if they see something that makes them uncomfortable. It's not about "protecting" people either, the motive is always to find an excuse to incite harassment, which is is honestly terrifying.

I won’t venture to claim what the other anon’s intentions are on their behalf. We definitely live in an age that over-encourages individuals to speak with a misplaced authority of the collective’s needs and opinions - and that hasn’t always worked to society’s benefit. A recent example I can think of, is Demi Lovato reprimanding a local froyo shop for selling sugar free products (claiming it to be harmful diet culture) - not realizing that what is disliked by her, is actually appreciated by others (people who can’t have sugar, etc). That’s an example of an individual, instead of speaking from a place of their own experience, taking on the voice of a whole group (she wanted to help other ED-recoverers as well as later saying she wanted to help the whole world). In her case, as with so many others, it would be much more beneficial to just approach it from your own POV. “I am an ED-recovered and having to pass this stance in order to pay, triggered me. I know it would help me if you moved that section to the other side of the pay desk, so maybe others would appreciate it too”.

Yes, sometimes approaching something from your own POV is just better. It strips away that claim of authority that people will disagree with - where your message gets lost under the weight of “I am speaking for one and all”, because of its impossibility by nature.

So I’m not saying the other anon was out to scold me, but you’re right that there is a difference between coming to me as a person with a need of clarity, and of coming to me as an authority telling me I need to accommodate a group or else. Because you’re right, I don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s not a crime to have a positive relation to the Nightmare in Elm street franchise, and it doesn’t make me a bad person.

And I have to admit that some of the words that anon used, made me feel as though I was being told I “better have a good explanation for this, or else you are bad”. Especially when the anon said “us/we” rather than just coming to me as themselves with their own experience of how my post made them want to reach out for clarity.

But here’s the thing: I chose to approached the ask as if this was one individual telling me that due to their own experience, they felt unsure of what to make of my interest. I asked myself “what if this is a mutual?” I don’t want to lose them if it’s due to an issue that can be cleared up by communicating rather than blocking. I appreciate the chance to assure them I’m safe (although I deliberately did not say “I am a safe space for CSA-survivors”, because it’s not up to me to claim what feels safe to them; all I can do is provide my stance and then they can determine if that feels comfortable to them or not. I sure hope I feel safe, and I know my intentions are good, but I can’t demand anyone to feel comfortable with me if they aren’t). I appreciate that chance to set everything straight, instead of being instantly assumed to be this or that, and blocked without the chance to remedy a misunderstanding. Anon’s intentions being this or that; either way, I got the chance to elaborate on something that seemed to upset at least one person, and so it might upset more people as well.

And even if I do not need to preface certain content with “I do not condone what the character portrays”, when it comes to certain heavy topics, I do feel as though some extra consideration from my side would not be a bad idea. Especially this. That’s why I’m happy to tag Freddy from now on.

And even if they’re not a mutual - even if they’re just someone who followed me yesterday - hey... I swore to myself to be as honest and authentic as I can in every situation. Here’s the truth: I want to be liked. I’m surely not alone in that, but it’s hard to admit, because it feels like an admission of fakery. That isn’t the case; I am true to myself. But I also want to explain why I believe myself to be a generally good person (flawed to the fingertips, and definitively have my bad days, but I strive for good none the less), when I feel as though that is questioned. If I were blocked without the chance to explain, I’d feel... I’d feel that weight of someone’s judgement for a bit. It would nag at me. Now, I’d move on. For sure. I honestly mean it when I say blocking me is fine if that’s what you want (“you” being anyone in this case), but I will always prefer the chance to hear why - in case there is some misunderstanding I can clear up. I don’t like the feeling of people disliking me. I definitely work on handling that, of course, because opinions will always vary if you do anything at all. But yeah... if I’ve made anyone uncomfortable, I genuinely like to try and rectify that. Both for me and for them. And if they don’t actually need it but just want to call me out, then just for me.

Just as a digression, I’ve thought about it, and I think that the reason this new generation of needing disclaimers around topics like these - people wanting you to clarify why you enjoy this or that problematic character - has a cause: it is no longer taken for granted that you do not condone/support what they stand for on a deeper level. I’m gonna be a bit of a grandpa right now and say that “back in my day”, I remember it was much more taken for granted. That underneath the “hell yeah awesome movie”, there was an unspoken “duh!”-ness to the fact that you did not support robbing casinos or racing cars over the speed limit or killing etc. I can’t tell you why it’s no longer taken for granted that people have their real life morals in shape. But knowing that it isn’t seen as a given anymore, I don’t really blame the younger generation for needing disclaimers. They’re literally being taught by their own feedback loops that they need to be vigilant of what people’s interests say about them on a deep, deep level. And maybe that’s justified, I can’t really be the authority to say. But at least it’s understandable. And anyone who’s genuine in their pursuit for clarification, is fine to get it from me.

Morality harassment, as you talk about, is not ok though. The anon hasn’t come back to say my relationship with A nightmare on elm street wasn’t up to their moral demands yet, though, so for now I choose to see it as a possibly poorly worded genuine ask. And I’m happy to elaborate to people like that.

Thank you for this ask, anon. I enjoyed getting that out. I’m not blind to the issue of morality policing and I was happy to get to elaborate on why I answered the anon anyways.

[topconfessions]

Oh heyyyy, I did the website thing with Top and we came at 80%. 😀

Just another perspective on this one :

"When I date, I don't want to get close to the other person," he said. "When I look back, I like the moments when we were not close. I like her to be always be there for me. I like it when she doesn't get in my business too much. I like speaking formally to her and not becoming too close"

Why do I understand this all too much? 😂 When I read this particular interview before, I understood that he was just answering it as his shallow self. He wasnt letting the interviewer get into his private life. He probably doesnt like being too close because he likes the chase. If he knows he got you in the bag, the thrill of it is gone so he would also lose interest, which actually also shows the fact that he doesnt love the person. Which in turn shows us Top is a guy that doesnt easily fall in love. Its the way I see him anyway, since tbh I am the same way. All my life Ive always loved the chase. My relationships usually lasted just 1 month when I was growing up because I became bored easily, right when I knew they were invested in me. Ive only fallen in love once, and I will know within meeting a guy a couple of times if its love or not. I would think if I were a guy, my relationships wouldve lasted more than a month because I probably would also be after the sex? So maybe that has so far been what he has done. He's bored with his love life, he cant find anybody to fall in love with, and so he plays around... which a lot of guys are apt to do. Anyway just putting this other side out there if you guys arent aware about these kinds of people. (Or, of people like me.😂) Please dont hate us too much, I promise we mature in time. (As I did.) Tbh too I like guys with this kind of facet in their personality. Theyre the "one time big time" people. I like the thought that they have only fallen in love once or twice in their lives and if I were the girl they fell in love with, it makes me feel really special and secure in his feelings (granted I fell in love with them too) and that we would last a long time. This isnt to say too that he hasnt made bad choices, because he has. He shouldn't be playing around. He maybe is still unevolved and I seriously hope with the trials he had in his life the past few years, I hope he has matured enough to live a better life from now on.

All I can say to this is in a strange way I can put myself in a male’s mindset and perspective with dating despite being a straight female  so I can see where he was coming from and what he meant. let’s cut the bullshit: the instant you create a normal attached and traditionally loving relationship it’s only either UP or downhill from there cause the dynamic changes and personalities like TOP aren’t fit for such relationships unless there is a solid groundwork of a mutual understanding and an aspect him & the girl share that is effortless without much chomping over. I don’t believe it’s the chase thing but it could be as he has sag placements in his chart. When the “chase” is over, there needs to be something to ground both people and he usually talks to women who aren’t possessing anything new or stability wise for him to stay it seems. I’m not trying to play dr.phil here but the chase shit to me shows people aren’t dating for the real intention and geniune aspect of really loving someone through and through, each person is replaceable and like a thing that comes and go, never scratching below the surface level. unrelated but that’s just my take although I have that in me too. I don’t chase but I cut people off ALL the time and do it a lot cause if the person isn’t well rounded to me or someone I can respect I’m gone.

he’s a celebrity, he’s trapped in a messy dating field with no mind of his own.

Hope Lynn enjoys him.....while it lasts. I’m over TOP at this point. I find his aesthetic back in the day sexy as hell but thats it. I’m about to unfollow him as well..maybe    

[youcanhavemybuckanyday]

Answer all of them. 1-170. have fun.

HELL YES LETS GOOOOOOOO

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? 

5′2″. Exactly how tall I am now. I like being short.

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

I’ve always wanted a ferret. They can weed out people for me. If a person says “Ew, it’s a rat” then they ain’t worth my time.

 3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? 

Whatever’s on sale. Preferably baggy and comfortable

4: What was your favorite video game growing up? 

Always has been and always will be the Nancy Drew computer games. I’m obsessed. There are 32 games (we don’t talk about number 33), and I’ve played each one dozens of times.

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: 

My laptop, my dog, my tumblr account

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? 

Warning: Prone to spontaneous breakdowns, both physically and mentally.

7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? 

Honest opinion on @Elizard-Hamilton, the person who sent this ask: They’re super sweet and kind, and probably the first reciprocal tumblr friendship I’ve ever had.

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] 

Don’t know what that is, too drunk to figure it out right now.

9: Are you ticklish? 

God yes. But I retaliate. If you tickle me, you will die.

10: Are you allergic to anything? 

No, that’s the one medical thing that I don’t have.

11: What’s your sexuality? 

Hetero-Demi Sexual. So I like men, but I’m only sexually attracted to them if we’ve been close for a long time.

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? 

Cocoa, always. Specifically, Tim Hortons Hot Chocolate. Medium, 2 creams.

13: Are you a cat or dog person? 

Dog. Always.

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? 

I answered this one already, definitely merperson.

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? 

Nope.

16: How tall are you? 

See above.

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? 

I’d just add an L to my name. New name, pronounced the same.

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] 

Right now, 126 lbs. But I should be 110. I just got off a medication that made me gain 40 pounds practically overnight. I went from 100 pounds to 140 pounds. I’m slowing losing the weight.

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? 

Not in the traditional sense, but I do believe there are things about the departed we don’t yet understand. Kind of like way back when they though lightning was a supernatural event, until they found a scientific explanation for it. I think there’s stuff we just haven’t discovered yet.

20: Do you like space or the ocean more? 

Ocean.

21: Are you religious? 

Nope, athiest.

22: Pet peeves? 

Idk, I can’t think of any right now.

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? 

Wtf I don’t know? Who cares? I’d rather be whatever koalas are. They sleep 22 hours a day.

24: Favorite constellation? 

The only one I can think of right now is big dipper. That makes it my favourite and also my least favourite constellation.

25: Favorite star? 

See question 24, but North Star.

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? 

I don’t know what that is? Do you mean like Barbie? I litterally watching Barbie Nutcracker right now, lol.

27: Any phobias or fears? 

Spiders.

28: Do you think global warming is real? 

Duh.

29: Do you believe in reincarnation? 

No.

30: Favorite movie? 

Does Hamilton count? If yes, that. If not, Knives Out. I’m a sucker for a good murder mystery.

31: Do you get scared easily? 

Yes.

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? 

Oh god. Idk. You’re going to make me do math on vacation. Lets see. 3 Dogs, 2 Cats, ungodly numbers of fish, 2 rats, 5 hermit crabs, 3 hamsters, probably others I can’t remember.

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] 

@elizard-hamilton 10/10. 5 stars. Thumbs up. Gold Star.

34: What is a color that calms you? 

Royal Purple. I used to have a bedroom where everything was royal purple. The walls, the furniture, the bedding, the accessories. Everything. It was a great time in my life, so the colour makes me think of good times.

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? 

I’d love to go to Belgium. My grandmother was born there, and we still have family over there that I’ve never met.

36: Where were you born? 

London Ontario

37: What is your eye color? 

Hazel

38: Introvert or extrovert? 

Introvert

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? 

Not at all

40: Hugs or kisses? 

None of the above. I have Asperger's, I don’t like to be touched.

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? 

I’d love to see my BFF from high school again. Haven’t talked to her since we graduated. Rachel, if you’re out there, I miss you.

42: Who is someone you love deeply? 

My parents.

43: Any piercings you want? 

None.

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? 

Nope. I don’t have anything against them, they’re just not for me. If you have them, I won’t think any less of you. There’s nothing wrong with them.

45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? 

Nope. I’ve already got really shitty lungs (I have Cystic Fibrosis), I’d rather not make them worse than they already are.

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! 

Oh gosh, he’s cute, funny, talented, a great singer, a great writer, he wrote a hit broadway musical... oh, he doesn’t count? Then no, no one right now.

47: What is a sound you really hate? 

Styrofoam rubbing against more styrofoam.

48: A sound you really love? 

The notification sound tumblr makes when I get something in my inbox

49: Can you do a backflip? 

HA no.

50: Can you do the splits? 

HA HA no.

51: Favorite actor and/or actress? 

Do I even need to answer this? I’m going to anyway. It’s..... drumroll........ Danny Devito! Lol, no, it’s Lin Manuel-Miranda

52: Favorite movie? 

This is the same as question 30.

53: How are you feeling right now? 

Drunk. Next question.

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? 

Purple. I used to have purple hair. Then I got older and got a real job and I’m not allowed to die my hair anymore.

55: When did you feel happiest? 

At 16, with my purple hair and purple bedroom and my bff in like grade 11

56: Something that calms you down? 

Hamilton

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] 

Asperger’s, Depression, situational anxiety.

58: What does your URL mean? 

Every time is Hamiltime. Because it’s always time for Hamilton.

59: What three words describe you the most? 

Bizarre, confrontational, idk. Is there a word that means unwilling to put up with anyone’s bullshit? Because if so, then that.

60: Do you believe in evolution? 

Yes. Evolution is a fact, it’s been proven. So this question should not say do you believe in evolution, it should say do you accept evolution.

61: What makes you unfollow a blog? 

If they start posting stuff i disagree with, or if they totally veer into a new fandom I’m not interested in. I’ve lost so many good blogs to kpop.

62: What makes you follow a blog? 

Idk, I like their stuff?

63: Favorite kind of person: 

Kind people.

64: Favorite animal(s): 

Pug.

65: Name three of your favorite blogs. 

I’m not going to start naming friends, cause I’ve got way more than three and I know I’m going to forget someone, so here’s 3 random blogs I enjoy: gmoringgnight, tinywhim, torsnavi

66: Favorite emoticon: 

I’m on my laptop, i don’t have emoticons right now, but probably the one where he’s crying laughing

67: Favorite meme: 

All of them. I love all the memes.

68: What is your MBTI personality type? 

I’m too drunk to remember right now, ask me tomorrow.

69: What is your star sign? 

Pisces

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? 

He cannot. He’s an idiot. But he can give you a high five, if that counts for something.

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? 

Leggings, T-Shirt, Hoodie. Whatever’s clean.

72: Post a selfie or two? 

No

73: Do you have platform shoes? 

No

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? 

I can solve a rubik’s cube

75: Can you do a front flip? 

LOL NO

76: Do you like birds? 

To look at, not to own or touch

77: Do you like to swim? 

Very much. In the water, it’s the one place my back doesn’t hurt.

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? 

Swimming. I don’t skate. I know, oh wow, a Canadian who can’t skate. Sue me.

79: Something you wish didn’t exist: 

Trump.

80: Some thing you wish did exist: 

Alex Clairmont-Diaz

81: Piercings you have? 

My ears are pierced.

82: Something you really enjoy doing: 

Reading

83: Favorite person to talk to: 

My mom

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? 

Amazing, finally a place I can be as weird as I want and it’s totally anonymous.

85: How many followers do you have? 

I have no idea.

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? 

HA no

87: Do your socks always match? 

Yes

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? 

When I was 14, they did a surgery where they put metal rods in my spine to keep it from growing crooked. My spine doesn’t bend at all. So I’ve never tried to touch my toes, but I’m going to go with no, I can’t.

89: What are your birthstones? 

I think Aquamarine? I don’t remember.

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? 

Koala. They sleep 22 hours a day.

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? 

I can’t think of any flowers right now beyond rose and tulip, and neither represent me. Is there a flower that’s really ugly? If so, that.

92: A store you hate? 

Gap. I despise that store with every escence of my being.

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? 

None. It tastes like manure.

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? 

Ooh, fly. No more wheelchair.

95: Do you like to wear camo? 

I don’t think i particularly like or dislike it. I just don’t wear it.

96: Winter or summer? 

SUMMER ALL THE TIME

97: How long can you hold your breath for? 

Not long at all. See explanation above, r.e. Cystic Fibrosis

98: Least favorite person? 

Trump

99: Someone you look up to: 

My mom

100: A store you love? 

Hot Topic. Yes, I’m basic like that. 

101: Favorite type of shoes 

Flats, cause I don’t have to attempt to bend over to put them on.

102: Where do you live? 

Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Yes, I’m serious.

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? 

Nope.

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? 

Wtf? Are people supposed to have a favourite mineral or gem?

105: Do you drink milk? 

No

106: Do you like bugs? 

No

107: Do you like spiders? 

NO

108: Something you get paranoid about? 

If I remembered to turn off my computer before I go to bed.

109: Can you draw: 

Nope

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? 

On a daily basis, people ask me why I use my scooter or my wheelchair. Every day. Not so much during the pandemic, but yeah.

111: A question you hate being asked? 

“When are you going to get a boyfriend?” “When are you going to settle down?” 

112: Ever been bitten by a spider? 

NOPE

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? 

Who doesn’t?

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? 

Cloudy, cause then I can stay indoors guilt-free

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: 

My dog. But he’s with my sister.

116: Favorite cloud type: 

???? Is this something I’m supposed to have an opinion on?????

117: What color do you wish the sky was? 

???? IDGAF ??????

118: Do you have freckles? 

No

119: Favorite thing about a person: 

Their laugh

120: Fruits or vegetables? 

Fruit

121: Something you want to do right now: 

Get another drink, but that’s probs not a great idea

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? 

Ocean

123: Sweet or sour foods? 

Sweet

124: Bright or dim lights? 

Dim

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? 

No

126: Something you hate about Tumblr: 

I can’t reblog ads. Some of those ads are really, REALLY funny.

127: Something you love about Tumblr: 

Completely anonymous. I could be anyone. For all you know, I’m actually Mike Pence. (I promise I’m not)

128: What do you think about the least? 

Idk? There’s probably lots of stuff I’ve never thought about at all

129: What would you want written on your tombstone? 

Nothing, but I want there to be a little machine on top that looks like a parking meter, and when you put money in it you get wifi for an hour.

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? 

Trump, most of the politicians in the states. I want to go to New York, and I can’t because y’all can’t get your shit together and kick this virus.

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? 

My face. Not going to elaborate.

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

Yes, but only because I get yelled at if I don’t.

133: Computer or TV? 

Computer.

134: Do you like roller coasters? 

I used to. Then the back surgery and now I can’t anymore.

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? 

Motion sickness no, seasickness yes.

136: Are your ears lobed or attached? 

Lobed.

137: Do you believe in karma? 

I believe that what you do will eventually come back to bite you in the ass, but I don’t believe in some cosmic force that balances the scales.

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? 

0. Not going to elaborate.

139: What nicknames do you have/have had? 

None. My name has always been Adele. The few people who tried to give me nicknames got shot down real quick.

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? 

When I was little, yeah

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? 

Yes ma’am. For over a decade.

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? 

Both at different times.

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? 

Giving. I never know what to say when receiving.

144: What makes you angry 

A lot of things these days. Can’t think of anything specific. My sister, usually.

145: How many languages do you speak fluently? 

Two. I speak French and English.

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? 

Boys.

147: Are you androgynous? 

Nope.

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: 

My face. Not going to elaborate.

149: Favorite thing about your personality: 

My “take no shit” attitude.

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. 

Lin Manuel Miranda, Renee Elise Goldsberry, anyone from West Wing

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? 

Revolutionary America

152: Do you like BuzzFeed? 

I’ve been known to partake.

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] 

Nope. I’m forever alone.

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? 

No. I have Asperger’s. No touching.

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? 

No.

156: What embarrasses you? 

When I need to ask for help for really simple things because of my wheelchair or other disabilities. I hate it.

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: 

The future, for reasons way too complex to write in a tumblr post.

158: Biggest lie you have ever told: 

I convinced half my second grade class I was related to Elton John once. That was fun. They believed it for like 3 months.

159: How many people are you following? 

Hundreds.

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? 

I don’t even know how I would find that out.

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? 

Right now, I have 12, but that’s because I’ve queued up the next 4 days HamiltonHungerGames. Usually, I have none. I don’t understand how people have drafts. When I feel like writing something on tumblr, I start a post, I end the post, I post it. I never use drafts

162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? 

??? Again, I have no idea how to find that information.

163: Last time you cried and why: 

I honestly don’t remember.

164: Do you have long or short hair? 

Usually long, but right now short. My mom decided to give me a covid haircut, and she does not understand the meaning of “Just a trim”.

165: Longest your hair has ever been: 

Down to my butt. 

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon? 

Dislike. I’m not going to talk about it here, but if you’re really curious you can dm me.

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? 

Yes, because if we know where the universe and world came from, we can figure out where it’s headed. See the book Origins by Dan Brown.

168: Do you like to wear makeup? 

Not at all.

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? 

I can barely stand on my feet for more than 30 seconds.

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? 

Tried to.

Ok, this took me an hour and 45 minutes. I’m tired, I’m drunk, I’m going to regret this in the morning, I’m going to bed. Night y’all.

[yogpetshame]

In the latest Triforce podcast, they complain about politically correctness, about the left-wing, and Lewis defends *notorious transphobe who spends all his time harassing trans people* Graham Linehan. It's fucking awful.

You know, I got kind of a different impression and I figured I might as well labor through explaining why, since we’re dealing with a really long piece of media that’s hard to “digest” the way you would normally be inclined to. 

The part where it starts, where they’re talking about Curb Your Enthusiasm, is so-so. It feels like listening to a guy talk just a little too passionately about how they relate to Rick Sanchez, or Bojack Horseman, or Walter White. The core of Curb is not, as Sips says, to “comment on cancel culture.”

Anyway, the salient bit comes way later in the podcast. I flick through the YouTube auto-generated transcript in moments like this and think, goddammit, this technology needs to hurry up. So before you go “Holy shit, YPS transcribed all that?!” …No I didn’t, which is why it’s going to read like fucking shit. I’m just going to correct it when the words are wrong but I’m not doing any not-strictly-necessary punctuation. Nooo thank you.

Lewis: Something like I think that okay a good example is like JK Rowling and you know actually for example someone tweeted me this week saying you should unfollow Graham Linehan who wrote like father Ted I think when I signed up to Twitter about 10 years ago I automatically followed a lot of people who I was a fan of 

Sips: or thought you were because you don’t know these people 

Lewis: Bill Bailey-

Sips: writes a funny show that you like 

Lewis: cuz I want to see funny tweets on Twitter from them you know I like father Ted I want to see his funny tweets you know and someone tweeted me and said you should unfollow him because he’s done a load of anti-trans stuff and commentary and I I was like you know what I don’t think I’ve- I will. I think I’m just gonna unfollow him. I don’t think it’s worth trouble wise I don’t I don’t think that this guy particularly is obviously like I but it’s a little bit in my head though I’m a little bit like Oh father Ted’s now a bit tainted like Harry Potter’s a little bit tainted by 

Sips: the thing is okay fine you’ve unfollowed him you’ve unfollowed him after suggestion of somebody but you haven’t you haven’t unfollowed him for like the pure reason right you’ve just done followed him because it’s like off 

Lewis: in my head 

Sips: he’s pressuring me and I don’t want to be seen as somebody who agrees with what this guy might have said 

Pyrion: so that’s what cancel cultures is about

Sips: exactly 

Pyrion: I still think the main thing the  main thing to do is if I mean first of all I don’t want to know Graham linehan I don’t care what his opinions are, I want to see Father Ted

Sips: no i want to see the funny stuff  is it something on Twitter that’s even remotely funny and related to father Ted great that’s why I followed him in the first place because the father Ted you know what I mean like 

Lewis: yeah 

Pyrion: well so Twitter is real easy to be as puritanical as you like about whatever it is you believe in but I guarantee you even people you know really well there’ll be something of opinion that they hold that you think what that’s fucking bizarre like I can’t get my head around this weird that you you what are you gonna stop seeing that person because there’s something you disagree with them about I don’t know I mean I know lots of people whose politics are wildly different from mine or their opinions about all kinds of stuff are wildly different from mine it doesn’t change the fact that they’re they’re essentially a decent enough person that I could be friends with them 

Lewis: no absolutely

Pyrion: I just think it’s it’s not worth analyzing with a micro microscope every single aspect of a person’s personality because no one is clean no one is gonna come out of it and you’re gonna be okay with everything they said 

Lewis: I don’t think they’re evil if they have flaws like that or beliefs necessarily either I think it’s that they’re a product of their their cultural like like teachings been informed of over the years via media and Hollywood and books and people and friends of family and surroundings and locales…

So at worst, to me, this reads like Lewis is willing to concede that some people do not deserve your attention because of their words and deeds. Mostly, it’s like not wanting to be bothered about it and cause an argument outweighs his attachment to old media by a good deal. And he even will admit that separating the art from the artist is futile. I don’t really have an issue with it.

Pyrion comes in with the dog-tired “I don’t care who made it, I live in a Solipsistic world where the only things that matter are the things I observe.” Stupid, but inoffensive.

But you can see Sips starting some shit which he follows through on almost as soon as he gets a chance to.

Lewis: so what I’m saying is don’t be too hard on yourselves if you find that your your beliefs are challenged you know 

Sips: I don’t hold a strong belief on that though like you know like like I if if if that offends somebody to laugh at that and they’re around me or whatever I  would apologize I would say oh sorry 

Pyrion: you know like it’s not worth clinging to that kind of 

Sips: I’m a reasonable person I’m not I’m not gonna fight for my right to laugh at prison rape jokes I just don’t care enough but I could but equally 

I’m not I’m not going to to to falsely support like like trans rights and stuff as well by unfollowing somebody on Twitter because as much as I support somebody’s right to be who they are or who they want to be and and freedom and stuff like that these are things that don’t really affect me 

I’m not gonna be as passionate about them as somebody who is who is affected by it you know or or living that life or whatever you know what I mean I think there’s I think there’s a lot of like almost like false support for movements nowadays just to appear sort of like politically correct or popular or something like that and I don’t agree with that either I you know I think people that are coming out and and being like overly  sort of supportive about something that they have nothing to do with or whatever is is is it’s not it’s not a genuine thing it’s it’s it’s a lie

Pyrion: you see that in Hollywood a lot 

Sips: of course you do 

Pyrion: cos they cast something and it’s like the cast is like you can tell they’ve they’ve fucking they brainstormed the shit out of how to get the perfect cast for essentially for to avoid bad reviews on on Twitter and in the media 

Sips: sure 

Pyrion: it feels disingenuous 

Sips: yeah no 

Pyrion: it’s not from the heart no they haven’t changed they just going with the trends 

Sips: it is it’s it’s it’s some sort of formula for like popularity or for money or sales or something like that and it doesn’t feel nice it doesn’t feel good like like 

Lewis: yeah we should be on top of that stuff 

Sips: I think you need somebody to support me with with with just about anything really but like you know what I mean like it’s I don’t know like III think I think just I think it’s important to just be yourself and not get caught up in that in the hype of everything you know what I mean like just yeah like and don’t be an asshole yeah

It’s like Sips thinks that by burying it 55 minutes into an hour long podcast he’s going to get away with saying he doesn’t have sympathy for anyone who isn’t straight and white. Like I understand the way he’s trying to couch it, by saying that it’s slacktivism or it’s not a genuine demonstration of support, or that he’s not required to demonstrate his support in any way. But when you find yourself following someone who actually represents something you really believe is hateful, how can you not care, just because well, he’s funny, and he doesn’t happen to hate you? I don’t think it’s fair to make a snap judgement about a person based on who they choose to follow on Twitter… rather, I think it’s very fair to make a judgement about how they rationalize continuing to follow that person. “He doesn’t hate me so it’s not my problem” is bullshit.

Sips pauses for a minute and comes back in a few minutes later, as though he realizes what he just blurted out:

Sips: I feel like this podcast would be way better if I could actually articulate my thoughts like in an intelligent manner or not just like being a dope

Lewis: this is what this is though I said at the very start the podcast it’s that words are not enough like we we I think we need speeches

Pyrion: ‘More than words,’ that’s this week’s theme is the song ‘More than Words’ by Extreme.

Lewis: prepared speeches that are finely honed and crafted to not-not-not cuz but a lot of time people to get the wrong end of the stick from this podcast they’re gonna think Lewis said this sentence and people are gonna take out of context and it’ll and it’ll mean so which is the opposite of what I meant

Interlude… that’s why I bothered to pull the transcripts out in the first place. Hard to argue I was fucking around with context when I’m cutting out fat chunks like this.

Sips: I meant yeah yeah I know 

Lewis: it’s a very complex topic

Sips: alright I do my best I think I’m a reasonable person I don’t think I’m overly offensive to any one person or a group of people III don’t have hate in my heart for anything other than people who are sweaty at overwatch oh you know what I mean like I know I’m not going out of my way to like spread hate or to spread misery or whatever I think I’m like a pretty easygoing you know happy-go-lucky sort of sort of person.

Unfortunately nobody is handing out medals for bullshit, so your rambling appeal for sympathy was for naught, Sips.

[kcllmongers]

We putting in our 2 cents? Hold my beer. 

Ahem. 

I come in peace. I want to have a genuine conversation with anyone who wants to agree or disagree because of well...growth lmao. I’m not going to rant or shade. There’s two things I want to talk about. 

1) Why do y’all care so much about this bitch who plays multiple characters (when you niggas do the same. don’t front) 

2) Why not take advantage of this thing called a delete button? 

First thing’s first. We can’t talk about niggas being sensitive when y’all sensitive y’allselves. It’s just a different type of sensitive. Not the delete and post unfollow but the “I’ma rant in my mentions all day” sensitive. Hate to break it to you but that’s being sensitive. You are responding passionately to someone’s comment on you, your development or you’re expressing how you feel about something. Shit I'm being sensitive rn because I really could've kept my mouth shut but I have feelings about stuff. 

Dipping after causing a mess is being sensitive because well, like many pointed out, you caused it and knew what you were doing so don’t post your unfollow after causing a disturbance. Fuck it and move on, tf? You thought exposing IMs, calling someone ugly, saying you’re slap them all of that WOULDN’T cause a problem? People pick out these FCs and go into this with failing muse already after the first week and it doesn’t help when someone wants to randomly slap you or if you’re called ugly. Personally? I’d laugh and move on but some people are different and you can't be mad at that. Just like we learned and grew from our experiences, we need to let the new comers do that. If you got some dope plots, good development, and having fun then fuck the sensitive bitches you’re talking about and keep it pushing. 

Let me skip to number 2. This is all fake, which we can all agree. This community started as an escape for alot of people and still is. We’re grown now. You’d think with bills, rent, jobs and now new relationships we know how to handle things like adults. The only person controlling your good time is YOU. I’ve stopped giving a fuck what people say about my characters, to my characters on anon because this is all fake. I’m not really the person I’m playing and I have a slim understanding of the whole I  “I'm working hard to play this so the anons are annoying” shit but none of that will matter come the next rp. And if you get that discouraging anon. DELETE IT. You literally have the power to delete the hate and to make them feel small. Turn off your anons, ignore it. I’ve enjoyed my time in rps way more when I don’t respond to anons even if it’s with a funny comeback, meme, gif or whatever. But you know the minute you answer 1 of them hoes, 5 more come up so why continue to do pay pussy bitches any mind? Why make the admins mad when they tell you to stop posting them? I wish I could delete racism, homophobia, colorists, slut shaming, rapists, murderers, shit I want to delete the president of this here country but the beauty of this community is that you can literally come here and delete the toxicity away. Be somebody different and not you. But you niggas choose not to and say people are ‘ruining’ things. No. No one is forcing you to answer or do anything you don’t want to. We have full control of these keyboards and if you get a hate anon? Fuck em and keep doing you sis. Period. Now, going into number 1. This is long so strap in.

I said the only person controlling your good time is YOU. This is an anonymous platform all around. Its not just that anon button. On Tumblr you can have real blogs with your face but in an rp realm its your fave as your avi correct? In WC its your fave correct? Fake aliases and all sis. I’ve been on the phone with some people a few times and there’s only ONE person who’s ever seen my face in the 8 years I've been doing this and ive seen theirs. Now, many of you are closer and know names, locations and all of that. That’s cool and fine but some people don’t want to do that. But even then, how do you really know who is who with all these FCs and platforms? Because your friend said so? That don’t mean shit. It’s scary and it’s even scarier when maybe you’re surrounded by the same bitch in different FCs but stressing out over this person who does this is just a waste of your time and has to be the biggest downfall in this community since that shitty ass blackout that nobody took seriously. Good times but it wasn't hard to figure out photoshop. Anyways. Everyone has their assumptions and honestly who knows the truth? What are we looking at. Typing patterns? plot similarities? FC usages? I mean come on. This is the most vague evidence ever and I know niggas were full of shit when they were saying who this bitch was turns out it wasn��t even them. I knew niggas were full of shit when at point I heard my character was apparently this bitch and it’s just like...naw lmao. My limit might be TWO and honestly I only get the second if it’s a FC I really wanted and eventually the other one dies off but talking to myself? Smutting with myself? 3 WCs? It makes me chuckle at the thought of people thinking I even had the time. I don’t even want to talk to other people sometimes and you think I’m going back and forth between a computer/phone or whatever to do that? Nobody knows me but if y’all did it would be laughable too. I’m so god damn lazy it’s not even funny but listen if there’s a bitch that does that in this community...let them. What does that have to do with you? They’re ruining your development? Your good time? WRONG. 

 Worry about you. Your character and your shit is all that should matter so you can take pride in it when you’re done. Not the hours spent figuring out who is who. You could be thinking its the bitch and it’s actually one of your friends and Ive seen it happen. So what it’s the same plots? People develop differently. We still got CBs with anger problems, Dave Easts who move bricks, Rihannas who don’t drop music or act boujee as hell, Saweeties who act ghetto and so on. Y’all FCs act exactly how they usually do ooc and no one bats an eyelash until it’s someone they don’t know doing it. We all based our characters on real like shit they doing. It’s why we choose the characters because of their resources and development. Same with playing multiple characters. I’ve watched y’all sit and pick out MULTIPLE FCs for new rps but nooooooooooooooooooo let’s blow the sirens for this one girl who’s single handedly bringing down he community right? You’re blaming the downfall on ONE person at this point and it’s laughable because who’s at fault for this shit right now? And don’t say sensitive people because we just spoke about this lmao.

And honestly, if this bitch is that irritating. And you feel it in your core that it’s her. Just tell them straight up. I've done it. I get word that it’s most likely them, they do some funny shit and I dead it. Open our plot, cut off connections. Nope. It’s just not me and with the stories I can’t be bothered with he mess. It’s that easy. you literally have the power at your finger tips to better this community by deleting anons, blocking the bitches you can’t trust and just simply telling someone no. But you guys choose to entertain anons or the people in your IMs asking for smut then go to WC and complain. Your next IM shouldn't be sliding into the pussy or on the dick but should be “I'm good luv, enjoy” they’ll get the message. If not, use your words and say you don’t want to. I’ve done it and it was smooth sailing. But you keep replying and actually fuck???????? But still complain?????? 

In conclusion, I feel like we all play a part in how this community is right now. It’s not just one bitch, it’s not just a group of people. It’s not the sensitivity. It’s everyone. It was me at one point trail blazing through the tags. I owned up to it. But I really just chill and rock with something until it dies. There’s a person that hates this blog, I know they hate this blog because we butted heads and turns out they’re my favorite person I’ve ever got the chance to plot and connect with. And I wanted to tell them I was the blog but it just goes to show shit can run smoothly even when people have different opinions. I don’t agree with alot of shit but ranting, anons and all of that won’t do anything. It’ll just leave a bad taste in the tag. 

SO. With that being said, I open the floor to any disagreements. Agreements? Wanna discuss something you didn’t like? Let’s have a conversation rather than yell at eachother. It just makes everyone mad. 

[void-official]

“Micro-identities/’Mogai/ya’ll literally just be making shit up now” OK. i’m sorry im stuck on this and this is the last i’ll talk about it today bc fuck it. I’m gonna be Real for a second. And it’s going to be awkward, and it’s going to be long, and I’m gonna Lose Follower bc defending micro-labels is Cringe. Whatever. I get it. go ahead and unfollow. The rest of you who actually care. and in the spirit of Pride Month, as someone who feels like they’re almost never allowed to express Pride in who I am? Here we go.

I’m bi. Most of you can probably tell, im not exactly subtle about it.

I’m bi. But

my actual interest in dating or having sex with Anyone has been pretty much negligible for my entire life. I just don’t Care. I never have. Dating and sex seem like a hassle to me and I don’t feel like i’m particularly missing out by not taking part in them. It doesn’t negate my enjoyment of peoples bodies necessarily, nor does it mean I never get crushes on people it just means at the end of the day, my desire to go out there and find people to have sex with and/or date has always been like. really really low. Even if the opportunity was there. And i’ve come to terms with this. I accept this about myself.

There is actually a great deal of overlap between bi and ace identity. all those ‘weird little terms’ like ‘demisexual’ you guys hate so much were originally created for people like me, who feel like they are fundamentally not allowed to call themselves something straightforward like ‘bi’ (or straight/gay/lesbian) without people inevitably screaming at them for Doing It Wrong. So they can describe how they feel in a brief word, instead of having to go through the pains of explaining the complex relationship they have with sexual attraction to every fucking person who asks what their sexuality is.

saying ‘well you should just be able to say bi and leave it at that’ doesn’t actually account for the experiences i have when i Just Say i’m Bi. Even me Just Saying ‘im bi’ i’ve always gotta deal with harassment from people whoget weirdly agressive about -why- i’m not out there fucking or dating the people i claim im attracted to. Am I a prude? a Tease? Just an ‘Acey’ lying for brownie points? Am I Actually Just Traumatized? (They ask in a really aggressive condescending way, like thats actually how you should talk to someone you think is potentially traumatized) But by the standards of this discourse, i’m not allowed to call myself ace either, because then people are going to yell at me that if I experience the tiniest smidgen of sexual attraction or romantic inclination sometimes, or post pictures of sexy video game characters, clearly i cant be that either  I literally can’t win. there is not a thing I can call myself that won’t earn me the ire of LGBT people on tumblr who think they know me and what i should call myself better than I do. And believe me i hate talking about this More than you do. I’d rather just shut up and let people Assume i’m whatever they want me to be sometimes but then mutuals i thought i trusted will inevitably openly make fun of the people who outwardly call themselves demisexual or whatever microlabel is trendy to shit on currently, and usually i bite my tongue cause at the end of the day its Just Words, right? I don’t even use that word, right? Its just words and some words can be interchangeable and not everyone knows what they mean which can feel alienating and unnecessary to people who don’t understand them. I -get- why people ‘cringe’ when they see like 10 terms they don’t understand in someones bio. why do you think i don’t even list anything about my sexuality in mine other than my pronouns?

but I always remember like. just bc that label isnt For Me, it doesn’t mean there might be someone in a similar position to me who doesnt feel comfortable just calling themeslves bi, and prefers the label ‘demisexual biromantic’ who feels like that phrase puts them in a place of peace and contentment, and I wouldn’t argue with them about it. Bc thats their fucking choice. Them being happy with who they are takes priority over my personal opinions of the language they use. same with gender nonconforming people who dont want call themselves trans or nonbinary. Thats fucking Fine. I’m not telling you to have to use the same words as me if you don’t feel like they’re necessary or accurate. I literally don’t give a rats ass what words you use to identify yourself so long as they’re not being used to hurt other people. I just want to be able to have Words, for myself, that describe how I feel, that don’t result in people treating my entire identity like some shitty discourse Meme. And right now I have none. No matter what I call myself, people choose tell me it’s not accurate, or its too complicated.

As for all these shitty fucking posts about people ‘forcing’ young people to take up labels. This. This doesn’t actually happen? (OK I won’t say it doesn’t happen ever on an individual level? but that its not something enforced or encouraged by any group as a practice, and that distinction is necessary, bc saying it happens on a large scale literally implies predatory intentions from a massive group of people instead of members of the group behaving poorly as individuals)

Demisexual people as a whole have literally never told me i had to call myself demi just bc my sense of how i experience attraction might be similar to theirs. Ace people as a whole don’t usually tell people whose lack of sexual attraction is caused by trauma or who havent developed enough to experience sexual attraction that they -have- to call themselves ace. Most Bi or Pan people are fine with the fact that their labels have a lot of overlap and that the line between these things can be murky, they arent actually constantly ready to tear each others throats out over whose terminology is correct. All of this shit is made up by hateful people, or people taking a few examples of poor behavior out of context as an excuse to shit on everyone else, and well meaning people keep falling for it bc it -seems- helpful to be. reactive. I guess? to people you’re constantly told are hurtful to the causes of marginalized people. but im telling you. its not true. literally nobody forces you to call yourself any of these words, they just Exist out there in case you want them, and if you think thats somehow a threat to other peoples identities or to Minors just like, conceptually, for existing, for being Too Specific, im sorry but what other word is there for your reaction than phobic? If an individual derails a conversation about Y to be like “You didn’t include _X_” or tries to force their views on a minor who hasn’t developed a stable sense of identity yet, that is an Individual behaving in an inappropriate manner, not an invitation for you to throw the whole group under the bus. I hate to tell you but if you’re using examples of individuals on tumblr who say stupid shit, everyone on tumblr says stupid shit and butts in conversationally where they’re not welcome. Universally. It’s how tumblr is formatted. Trust me, I have like 4 viral posts going right now.

i’m just tired of it at this point. im not cool with people who stretch to make fun of micro-labels all the time and think they’re being woke allies or w/e to the ‘real LGBTs’.  Even if a lot of the time I personally don’t care for all the labels and wouldn’t choose them for myself, I still feel like If you can’t treat people like individuals and assess their character on a case by case basis, i don’t trust you. I don’t like people who stereotype and LGBT people are not immune to this behavior. Like i don’t say it often but it fucking hurts, and it hurts other people I’m close to who I know have similar complicated identities and struggle coming up w/words to describe themselves that the whole of tumblr LGBT+ will approve of and agree with (clearly an impossibility because there are still people who don’t want bi and trans to even be in there). I might tolerate the constant jokes and not block on principle of knowing not everyone has ingested and thought about this discourse in the same way I have, and im a big tough adult, ultimately i can take it. but inside i know no matter what i call myself, if i were earnest with some of you about how i feel I’d probably be just another ‘special snowflake Delusional mogai creep’ to you, and i can’t deny that fucking hurts to think about. I try not to talk about it openly bc it embarrasses me, bc i dont think my sexuality should have to be battle ground for discourse for people who are supposed to be on my side. But there it is. I think most of this discourse is Trash, and clearly not for the reason most people on here say its trash, not bc theres ‘too many specific words, y’all just be Making Shit Up’ but because so many of you are more caught up in the words than the substance of the arguments or the needs of people whose experiences might have a lot of overlap with yours regardless of what word they’re using to describe it.

Anyway. happy pride to LGBTQA+ people who still dont really feel pride in themselves or their identity. I’d say you’re valid, but you don’t need my validation or anyone elses to understand that you’re a person deserving of respect and compassion. You exist as who you are, and you have to come to terms with who that is, regardless of whether or not you feel like you’re accepted for it. if not pride then, settle for confidence in who you are.

[twiddlebirdlet]

Post Digest

I had so many posts yesterday, and I could not possibly answer them all in this lifetime. My apologies for not addressing these, but here they are.

The words belong to the anonymous original writers. They do not reflect my opinions. My posting of them doesn’t imply any endorsement.

· Anonymous said:

Chris really is trash for ruining another relationship maybe him and Jordyn woods can join the home wrecker club

·  Anonymous said:

Mood, give up. People will blame you, the girl, the weather, everything but Chris, who could have easily avoided any assumption by not taking the pics. Pics with kids, pic of dog, hospital visits, videos for sick children all this is good PR and he used in the past. But where is the good on taking pics with dancers? They were not fans. He is not helping to make them being respected or less objectified. He is not bringing any discussion about their work conditions to the table.

·  Anonymous said:

People saying this is nothing how do they explain her boyfriend deleting all of her pix? If it was nothing if she wasn’t with him why is boyfriend reacting that way?

·  Anonymous said:

That girl was so completely lusting after Chris in her pics and posts that I think she absolutely would jump out of her current relationship if Chris so much as blinked her way. She was going to go anywhere he was. I will wait to see what happens but it looks like Chris may have made another poor decision. Why is this man so intelligent in some things but when it comes to women he is just so way off? If he thought SSH was bad, just wait for a young social media millennial. Disaster.

·  Anonymous said:

Bella & her bf are still following each other on Instagram. Maybe he deleted those photos of her as a way of protecting her? Maybe he didn't want to make his Insta private & thought this would be a better way of doing things. In any case, he doesn't seem angry enough at her to unfollow her. But I don't think they broke up before the Chris thing, as he still had their professional couple photos up & they were still posting gushy comments to each other. So it's still weird and suspicious.

·  Anonymous said:

What is up with Chris and taken women

·  Anonymous said:

So I guess Chris really is a home wrecker

·  Anonymous said:

I just want to say thank you for all the information you're providing about this whole Chris situation. I'd rather have the full (or as full as we can get it) story with all the pieces together so I can make up my own mind what to think, vs bits and pieces and people misreporting information that they heard third hand, etc. So your summary post with receipts was very much appreciated by me.

·  Anonymous said:

To me the whole intern thing just seemed like she was trying to be linked to him judging by the times the ig pics went up. I guess everyone has their own opinions I know people who have basically said it was nothing and refused to talk about it but if it was someone else they would be all over it. It seems with him people pick and choose what issues of his they want to discuss. All of just seemed iffy especially know knowing that her bf deleted her pics. Hope you're have a lovely day.

·  Anonymous said:

I’m worried about the people worried about your health. They’re so invested in this celebrity that they are policing your blog. He’s a successful, famous actor. He has a whole team of people to handle this. And, none of those people are contacting you...

·  Anonymous said:

I don't get anons coming in here and complaining that you answering asks about the saturday night events is somehow blowing this thing up and causing drama. This anon should go to twitter where there are accounts that tag CE, JS, enty and provoking more and more ridiculous accusations, including Chris roofying Bella's drink etc. Twiddle at least sticks to things we can prove so if you wanna complain, go there and set these people straight. They make real damage not anonymous tumblr

·  Anonymous said:

The boyfriend could just be fed up with her throwing herself at ce and then getting comments forcing him to go private. That would be enuf for a 20 yr old in a long distance relationship. Doesn’t mean she is shaking up with ce. He’s too paranoid to do that

·  Anonymous said:

From what I've seen on Twitter, there's a little bit of talk about the burlesque aspect of it (mostly "Ugh, you're all such prudes, get over it!") but no one seems to be picking up on the intern part of it except for like 3 people. I'm torn. I kind of want to see him get shit for this, because he was very stupid and irresponsible, but OTOH I'd hate to see what kind of PR crap his people will pull up to distract everyone. A PRomance with Brie Larson, perhaps.

·  Anonymous said:

Just a funny coincidence but it appears her (ex) bf and Chris share the same birthday lol. But either way not looking good. We can only speculate but it looks like her ex bf/bf didn't like her behavior towards him or something really did go down. 🦊

·  Anonymous said:

I think everyone needs to accept their portion of responsibility in this situation. The people that harassed or contacted the interns, the girl and the performers need to respect boundaries. I understand you posts Anons, but you also decide which and how many. Yesterday you provided a platform and it had consequences, people felt emboldened and crossed lines. I think everyone can learn from this experience and correct their future behavior.

·  Anonymous said:

So you keep saying your not sure if mark was there when multiple people keep saying he was.YOU keep saying that the pics were taking at the same or about the same time but theres no proof that they were. YOU keep putting out info that isnt accurate or just coincidental. that girl bf realise his gf is a thirsty ass and she got what she got but it doesnt mean anything happen between her and chris. NOTHING HAPPEN WITH THE INTERN STOP SPREADING SHIT!!

·  Anonymous said:

I think the bf just wanted people to stop harassing him about her so he did that instead of privatize. Seemingly less like a breakup.

·  Anonymous said:

It’s possible and probable her boyfriend deleted any pictures of her/them because he was tired of being harassed and getting bombarded with comments. He still follows her. He could have just muted the comment section, but maybe he was hoping by doing that it would help this all die down, and for people to lose interest. Which is laughable, because this particular fandom has a hard time letting go. Either way, I don’t necessarily think this is the beginning of a new relationship for Chris.

·  Anonymous said:

Sending you love! I truly enjoy your blog and your commentary. What you wrote about your struggles with OCD resonates with me (I had anxiety issues as a teenager. Mild in comparison to some, but they dominated my life). I will try not to clutter your inbox from now on, but, please know you are appreciated and I love the discussions we have here.

·  Anonymous said:

I think that putting the blame on this or other blog is a total waste of time. You know what would have avoided all this? Not taking those pics. How hard would be for him to STOP doing something that is doing no good to him? As you said, nothing positive comes out of this. He is not attending the ask of a cute kid. He is not visiting a hospital. He is helping a club to promote their name, something totally uncessary for an actor who reached his fame.

·  Anonymous said:

The intern thing didn't make the rounds in the internt, but the meeting with Dan Creshaw did. Chris is being criticized for that and for the twitter interaction.

·  Anonymous said:

Oy, its looking like she really did risk it all. Dumb childish mentality, what did anybody honestly expect from this situation? That poor boyfriend.

·  Anonymous said:

I don't think it's a proof that something happened between her and Chris but for sure her bf (probably now ex) didn't aprove her behaviour and probably he thinks that some limits were crossed. I have to admit that I would not like to have a bf acting like that around a famous woman or any other woman and leaving traces in SM which is worse. I really, really hope that Chris is smart enough to stay away from that or another kind of fame will get attached to him besides the "f*ck boy" image.

·  Anonymous said:

WHOA! Deleting all her pics? Does that mean Chris successfully ruined another relationship??? Whuut!?

·  Anonymous said:

You are very kind and your head is definitely on straight. You’re less of an “opinion” blog and almost more of a news blog anyways. Don’t listen to the haters. You aren’t being overly invested, cruel, silly, or anything else. I’ve always found you to be fair.

·  Anonymous said:

I looked at mark’s following list and he followed one other intern (a girl) who was also in the city but didn’t post from the box!

·  Anonymous said:

Tbh, good for her bf-her behavior (the comments) were completely inappropriate IF in a relationship, long distance or not. Unbelievably disrespectful to him. Hope her thirstiness was worth losing a relationship and (maybe) an internship. I am several years older, but there is no way I would have behaved that way during my college internship. Morality clauses apply to personal time as well.

·  Anonymous said:

Omg he deleted every pic with her. So now we know for sure that something happened that night lol

·  Anonymous said:

And now apparently twitter thinks harpy was there with Chris and they're back together. Oh for fuck's sake!

·  Anonymous said:

It's funny because many Chris instagram fan accounts just share the pic of him and the black singer/stripper but skip posting the other with the women group with clothes close to the nothing that they find I guess too trash for share with their followers in saying Chris with a fan in NYC without details.

·  Anonymous said:

In the name of everybody sorry for the large number of asks we sent you and the tiredness we,people agree or not agree, have caused you. We don't think when we send you an ask that you will receive many, everybody, after seeing one and your answer, wanting share their opinion about what an anon or you said even if it's for exprime our agreement. It's a circle without end. I hope you had a good night. Let's forget that,this girl is history now,the fire is extinguished now. Kiss

·  Anonymous said:

I've been seeing this gifset on my dashboard lately from Chris' interview captioned "I'm smarter than I look". No idea if the quote is real because I've never seen this particular interview but I think given the turn of events of the past few days it's appropriate to say "no, Chris, you aren't" LOL

·  Anonymous said:

Ok, I can't believe I'm saying this, but this whole messy situation really turns me off. I've always known Chris isn't a saint, that he's NOT Steve Rogers irl, going to clubs like The Box is not a new thing for him, but he should've known better. I want to believe he's not that dumb, but he's THAT dumb. This is really upsetting and I'm so disappointed. After all those good days working on a serious project in DC, does he really not care about his image being sleazy like that? Damn it, Chris.

·  Anonymous said:

So Chris alone went to greet the dancers? From what Manuel submitted, that’s what it seems like. She wasn’t there with him and his friends exactly, but somehow found out where they were and met up with them? I’m so over talking about this. Idk how you’ve done this all day Twiddle. My bedtime prayer is dedicated to you tonight.

·  Anonymous said:

Thank you Twiddle for taking your time to answer here and on DM. I know you also do it so that you will be best informed to answer any questions here, we appreciate that some took the time to gather more information for the rest of us. It seems like at the end of these gossip we all end up confirming our first guest. I feel we shouldn't give this girl more room. My conclusion for the day is either he never thought that girl was that thirsty or he's really just dumb. I'm going with cute but dumb

·  Anonymous said:

It's not a great look for him to be pictured at places like that, particularly when he's employed by a family-friendly company like Disney. He's been obsessed with protecting his image ever since he got the role of Cap. Btw, I am not surprised he goes to places like that but you'd think he'd be smart enough not to get his picture taken.

·  Anonymous said:

Have people forgotten that one of these thirsty hanger-on types (just like this intern seems to be) is someone who sent a video of Chris to tmz? I mean, he wasn't doing anything bad-just partying it up after a super bowl and he looked like a drunk frat boy. But even that got a dodger pic response. My point is that he should be smarter about people around him, especially when he's drunk.

·  Anonymous said:

Denying pics comes with its own risks. You don’t want to piss people off because that can have its own dangers. This has happened with other celebs. There have been several occasions where his pics have been in return for free bottle service or other perks. I am not saying that is the case here though. Not trying to argue with you mod, just saying it’s not black and white. A lot of mistakes were made here and the worst part is how avoidable it was. But most seem to hinge on Bella’s actions. 🐩

·  Anonymous said:

Mark follows a few of the interns from DC, 2 of whom (Bella & another woman) posted from NYC Saturday night & this evening. Also a few of Mark's friends are NYC as well. It's not far fetched that going to The Box was his idea. Also Mark would've needed to make a reservation to ensure they got in.

·  Anonymous said:

I think you hit the nail. What Chris gets from taking those pics? For sure he is being polite and the people involved get happy but taking how society works and how many people think and what they can do with that information, he got nothing good on posing for those pics. And saying that is just pointing out and realising how society works. People are hypocrite and mysoginist.

·  Anonymous said:

I feel you on the eating away at your Sunday. It’s not my blog and even *I* can’t believe how much time I’m devoted to this, much less the swamp you must be dealing with. Really appreciate your views and your time. I feel so silly that I’ve gotten so caught up in it but it’s like a car accident you can’t turn away from. Get some rest and lots of love. 🐩

·  Anonymous said:

People been posting Info but clearly no one believes it. That tree anon mention it.

·  Anonymous said:

People who are saying Mark was there and that she was there with a group of friends are just assuming as much as anyone else who says Chris and the girl were there with each other. The only thing we know for sure is that they were both on the same place, at the same night, around the same time, after meeting the day before. We can't deny that.

·  Anonymous said:

I’d like to say this girl blew her chances but this is the same guy who gave MK & JS multiple chances despite their fame whoring ways. Whatever it is it won’t last long but I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re seen together again. Too bad. His political project was exciting. Now it’s tainted because he’s proven what a lot of people thought of him to be true.  

·  Anonymous said:

You need to let it go now. This is a non story. It’s looking more like two separate trips were in the works and it was a “oh hey us too maybe we’ll see you we were thinking of checking out this club” now apparently you think because he’s ancient and she’s an impressionable child and burlesque shows are akin to live porn he should have shut it down. But those of us in the common sense world see this for what it was. Which is a giant nothing. So tip to TMZ. Guarantee they will think the same.

·  Anonymous said:

For gods sake. Read and post my second ask to you. Stop all this madness. Yes they know each other. That is it. They were at same club and of course hung out a little. So what They met at first dc meet I think. He was nice to her She was nice back. Nothing wrong with people meeting and being cool. Even if famous

·  Anonymous said:

Maybe I should rewrite this but Your acting as they were they in DC together. They MET and photographed but wasnt there together as Your wording puts it. Like I said you dont know of they were backstage together. Pics can be upload at any time of the night . Your just jumping to conclusions like everyone else.

·  Anonymous said:

The way some of you talk about women is so damn depressing ugh this fandom is on one today.

·  Anonymous said:

Liked what the PR/crisis anon mentioned, that it's wrong to think Chris was uninvolved in JS and MK's stunts when he dated them. It's naive to think he is that helpless and easily controlled.

·  Anonymous said:

What i really don't understand is how chris could have been so so dumb and didn't think of the consequences. Also his pr underestimated the whole situation. The girl was blatantly seeking attention and a story to tell, and any person with a brain would have got the danger of the all situation. I know that he loves partying but he was so superficial i can't even put into words. In my opinion the project has been hurt by this and everything happened today showed that.

·  Anonymous said:

2/2) as if he wanted to do that. I doubt he asked, but was asked to do it. 3) The girl jumped on the chance to go backstage after the invitation and took the pic. 4) People put the pieces together because the girl was thirsty the day before and liked the attention she got from her friends but now there is a chance she ruined the trip a little as people ran to protect their privacy.

·  Anonymous said:

I think if Chris wants to be taken seriously in what ever he decides to do. He needs to grow up and act his age and stop drinking as much and hang around different people that includes his friends from Boston. I feel most of his friends are just there for the ride including Tara. If he does ever get married she will have to trust him to no end.

·  Anonymous said:

"it's not at all weird for people here on a blog that is predominantly about Chris to talk more about chris' antics than about anyone else's. It doesn't mean they're more worried or think what he's done is worse, it's just that this blog is a place to talk about him more than anyone else. Nice try though." Nice try what? If you read the full ask, as Chris's fan, I'm more concerned that's he's doing publicity pics with treasonous Nazis than hanging at a burlesque show w/ an intern. But you do you

·  Anonymous said:

Hi! Sorry for this question but I just don´t understand what is going on here with Chris and this intern? I try to scroll down your page but I still don´t understand what has happened.

·  Anonymous said:

Some who don't have problem that Bella flies to NY and post the picture at the same place where was Chris was the first to be offend that Jenny posts pic when she was at the same place that Chris whereas she was dating him. Be careful anons I'm not a pro Janey but people were rude with her when it was normal(even if she trolled), she was spending time with his boyfriend but when another women did the same, without dating him, they think it's okay. Why?

·  Anonymous said:

I'm genuinely curious about what kind of impression he was trying to make on her? like you wanna hook up with this chick & you're letting her know that you like to gawk at other half naked chicks in your free time? Unfortunately this will never blow up, if his PR team can bury homewrecker scandal then they can bury anything.

·  Anonymous said:

He seems to unconsciously be attracted to attention-seeking women who view him as a prize. I wonder if it’s a defense mechanism to prevent him from entering a serious relationship? Also, seriously, why wouldn’t you just make it clear to her that she shouldn’t post their escapades on social media from the start? Has he learned nothing from the Jobby debacle????

·  Anonymous said:

Okay, from her comments and that pose, that's a girl that has no problem pushing someone out the way to get noticed. Like the pic, the side she was on was trying to get four people in, compared to the 3 on the other, so they had to turn sideways. I can see her making sure she was the one next to him. She didn't have to put her hand on his shoulder or stomach. She was trying for his attention. Did she get it? Don't know. Don't really care, but that's a college-age Janey. Just want that fame.

·  Anonymous said:

Now that there are pics of them together and seeing the way she's posing with her hands on his chest and shoulder (it is very reminiscent of SSH, isn't it? Which would hurt if I was js lol) taken with the comments from her and her friends, all I can say is YIKES. And also, SMH. I am not a prude and I actually like burlesque and have been to The Box and fully expected him to hook up with somebody in DC ~on the low~ but even I can say this is not a good look for him. This boy will never learn.

·  Anonymous said:

I’d like to think that he’d cut all ties to Bella now the he’s created a PR nightmare for himself, yet again. But considering for almost 3 years he was involved with a woman who was married when they originally met & got involved, I don’t think he will care. At least Jenny was almost the same age as him. He’s looking like an upgraded version of Dane Cook. For anyone who doesn’t know, Dane Cook’s girlfriend is 19, they started dating when she was 18, but were “friends” before that 🙄🤢

·  Anonymous said:

The more I see from this girl the more I think she’s just a thirsty very immature little girl. And has no idea what she could potentially cost Chris. But he’s not innocent as she found out where he was going somehow.. And then posted it everywhere. Him or his team should have warned them to be cautious. And once they arrived not continued to entertain them and allow them backstage. An adult would have said nice to see you I’m going over here goodbye. Just another dumb d*#k brain decision.

·  Anonymous said:

Oh, man... the boyfriend. I didn't even think about him. Can you imagine if the situation was reverse and her bf was acting that way towards a famous woman? I can imagine myself on that situation and I wouldn't like it. Even if she was just joking, which i don't think she was just doing that, it would be disrespectfull. I hope he is not hurt.

·  Anonymous said:

Tks for the clarifycation for don't hate the player. So the girl had no shame to run after a man who has close the double of her age just because he is famous. Not sure she is again with her boyfriend but if she is, he would be very happy. It's clear,even if Chris makes bad choices in women, he wouldn't do nothing with her, discretion level he couldn't count on her. 5min with him and she shared and tried already trash things.

·  Anonymous said:

And Chris, wearing that Red Sox cap in NYC will bring you a lot of unwanted attention ;)

·  Anonymous said:

He was probably advised to stay away from twitter or he decided to do that.

·  Anonymous said:

"He doesn’t deserve to be placed on a pedestal. " Literally no personal should be put on a pedestal. NO ONE. Mothers, fathers, friends, siblings, celebrities, every single person does stupid shit or has 'problematic' opinions. If you place anybody (family, friends, celebrities) on a pedestal, you're only looking to get disappointed.

·  Anonymous said:

Lets be real-Chris is charming, he is a schmoozer. He was working the crowd in DC. If you are nice to someone, than you get your interview. This time he snagged a desperate fan girl & hung out with her. Not the type of guy I would ever want to be involved with. I could not be w/ a guy that wanted to go to those types of clubs. I think SSH didn't like it either. If this is the life he wants to live he will either have to find a person ok with it, change or be single. 10 steps back for me.

·  Anonymous said:

I think she is just a fan with a crush and people are reading into this way too much. I don’t think that’s her hand on his shoulder and the pose is also something we’ve seen in comic con pics. Her “way good friend lol” to means she is joking because he isn’t. The “don’t hate the player hate the game” is again joking and means don’t be mad at her because she got to meet him and her friend didn’t. Was there flirting ? Maybe but we know he does with everyone and she might thought it was just her.  

·  Anonymous said:

I don't know how publicits work. Do they keep track of the mentions of their clients in SM? I wonder if Chris' publicist is already checking the situation. TIME FOR A DODGER PIC IF YOU ARE READING HERE!!!!!

·  Anonymous said:

I find it hard to believe Chris would use this venture to go fishing for a college aged hookup or girlfriend. He mentions age and sneaking into bars in that video, so he also knew her (Bella’s) approximate age. I have no doubt he gets plenty of action and isn’t a saint, but this truly seems like she is playing up something that doesn’t exist. I question her more than him here, again, because he knows this is an important project with “real life” important people, not hollywood actors.

·  Anonymous said:

Chris seems so immature. I know we want to put the blame on Janey and MK and all the other girlfriends but honestly am I the only that thinks maybe it’s HIM who’s the problematic one? Idk I’m young so maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about lol

·  Anonymous said:

All this shot is crazy. I’m know Chris is no saint but come on! At least let her be in her late twenties or early thirties! That’s nasty because she’s two years younger than me!

·  Anonymous said:

I’m not down for slut shaming in any regard. If anything happened, Chris was most definitely down for it. I just think it was dumb on her part, because she posted about it. Any potential employers could see this as a red flag. They don’t want to deal with the fallout of an employee causing a potential PR scandal, especially in the political world. Like if she did this once, she’ll prob do it again. I don’t think she’s gunning to be Mrs. Evans, but she def wanted to party and maybe hook up.

·  Anonymous said:

There was another video of him sending a message to a different person on a different day. I don't think the fact she ask him to do that means anything

·  Anonymous said:

For someone who seemed smart enough to get near a HW star, she sure was pretty naive and had no clue on how this fandom work LOL

·  Anonymous said:

But what damage could be done ? It’s not like he did something bad. There is no need to excuse his behavior because nothing illegal was done it’s not like he was caught with a 17 year old in a “massage parlour”. You guys also need to stop with this “he is almost 40” like he was supposed to stop having fun and living his life at 35. If you don’t like it fine don’t live YOUR life that way but don’t be mad at him for refusing to just settle and die because he is “almost 40” .

·  Anonymous said:

Not be agree with the places Chris frequents doesn't mean we think he is Cap. I have enought to hear this explication, like we are too much stupid to make the difference between the actor and the role he plays. With the conversation we have here, the majority of anons aren't teenagers i guess. A lot of people don't feel comfortable with the sex industry(porno,stripclub or the one night stand). It would be my brother,my neighbour,my cousin,it's a vice we don't understand not naivety about Chris.

·  Anonymous said:

I don't have much to say about this situation but I wouldn't be surprised if it does turn out to be something sleazy. I mean, this is a guy who had an affair with his married co-star and just a few weeks after she actually left her husband for him, he was going to strip clubs & she was tweeting about how that upset her. So he's not always a stand up guy. Mostly I find it funny that even when the girl is a young intern not in HW, she's STILL an attention seeking type. His picker is so broken.

·  Anonymous said:

Well, Chris definitely has a type.

·  Anonymous said:

I don't think that people are being judgemental but more worried about the consequences that this could create. Internet can make things scalate too quickly and even change the facts. But let's be honest. Chris is white, male, straight, rich. He will be ok. But he has to stop taking pics in those places. Remember when he was dating JS and he went to a certain place in Canada? No pics, people left it behind. That's the right thing to do. No pics, so it's as if it didn't happen.

·  Anonymous said:

Burlesque clubs in NYC are often listed in magazines as “things to do” in the city. They are seen as touristy activities. I can see a young girl being excited to go & asking for a hookup to get vip treatment. The place is not what you guys are making it out to be.

·  Anonymous said:

Oh please. How should he have celebrated international women’s day ffs. This is starting to get ridiculous. Women. Including 20 year old ones are allowed to go to burlesque clubs. Get out of here with that comment. And if you’re going to invoke a feminist day maybe consider the fact that she went of her own volition? I mean this insinuation that he took a naive child to a strip club. It’s starting to get a bit unhinged up in here.

·  Anonymous said:

Are we forgetting he got involved with a whole ass married woman? Lmao, this whole situation is not much of a stretch as people are making. I wish he’d grow up like all of you. He talks the talk of wanting to be a husband and father. He paints himself as a family man. Which yes, he is family oriented. But then he does things like this, which are unfortunately also on brand given his past. Megan, his publicists names I believe, better be getting paid time and half putting out these fires lol.

·  Anonymous said:

Right but this is like barely a scandal. We’re just focused on it and there are some social media comments. So for all those saying he should be seen doing serious things umm he is? For the casual fan his serious image is 100% in tact. And my guess is will stay that way. This will blow over in 48 hours tops. It’s not getting any traction other than gossip corners of the internet. Being seen seriously doesn’t mean living like a monk ffs. He didn’t do anything wrong, y’all just dramatic and judgy.

·  Anonymous said:

I think we can all agree no matter what the reality might be, the optics aren’t great. If him &his friend are trying to get this new project off the ground in DC, and hes being photographed in a burlesque club in NYC in the same vicinity as DC interns, the DAY AFTER giving interviews, the optics are awful. Politicians would be quick to distance themselves from their project and with those hes already met, potentially wouldn’t give him their time again, especially if their interns are involved.

·  Anonymous said:

fans saying he should live his life however he wants-nobody is saying he shouldn't. But people shouldn't be naive enough to think that optics don't matter. They matter a lot.

·  Anonymous said:

If the other interns were there they were smart not to post about it. Like that other anon said I imagine the people in D.C. will not be happy about this I’m sure there are social media rules about how to behave.

·  Anonymous said:

Mark's been to The Box before, he's posted stories from his trips there.

·  Anonymous said:

Some are ok to see a 38 years old man having habits in strip,nightclub and before Playboy party. Good. Some women don't like men like it!Chris or not Chris! I find it perverse,it's all. Frat boys aren't my type of men and great my man isn't like it. And i don't see Chris change when he will be married. There will always be a Mark or an Adam for ask him to go. Scott seems to enjoy trashy club but Zack too so they go as a couple. Maybe am i too prude 😒

·  Anonymous said:

This truly blew up fast. Not a Pats fan, but a few years ago, Edelman hooked up w/ a girl he met out partying & she posted a pic of them in bed the next morning on Snapchat. I’m not saying that Chris hooked up with her, we will never know & honestly it’s no one’s business. But both situations definitely seemed opportunistic, but at least with this one people are holding Chris accountable too. The other girl got slut shamed majorly. Like girls, you don’t have to post everything on social media.

·  Anonymous said:

Even if there were more interns there, even if Mark was there with Chris... if they went with the interns it's still not a good look. They are both near their 40's. It's a no to rang out with 20's, principally in that kind of enviroment that revolves around sex. This could be used to damage his image, his career, this could be used to damage their initiative about the political site. It just take one article or one tweet from a Trump supporter with many followers for that.

·  Anonymous said:

She may or may not have been the only intern with him. She may or may not have ended up with him last night. This time it’s slipped on social media. Imagine all the other times it hasn’t! Disappointed if he’s on the same Leo, Cary Fukunaga and Jake train but are we surprised? Women around his age think differently, and clearly he’s not settling down this minute. Wonder what else would leak. I’ll be here with my tea and popcorn.

·  Anonymous said:

This doesn’t look good, but at the same time I feel bad for this girl and her BF, fellow interns, friends, etc. Suddenly a rabid fan base is combing through their every move trying to play detective. I get the curiosity, I’m curious too, but I know how people overreact. And while most are fine, already people are crossing the line and commenting. Not a kick on you, just kinda crazy the lengths that some go to. I’m so glad I grew up without social media for most of my life.

·  Anonymous said:

don cheadle once saying on a talk show that the cast of the avengers(including chris of course) all went to a burlesque bar in london. ALL of them. it's not a crime...or is it??? and as for that bella chick going wit him?? who the hell wouldn't go if we were invited? good for her.

·  Anonymous said:

I feel that a conveniently timed Dodger video (or photo) is imminent. Or will we go really old school with a video for a sick child? Some sort of distraction from the current (I agree ,totally inappropriate) drama. Thing is that sort of tactic will only work for so long, less and less people will forget each time. While there's no problem visiting a burlesque club,hell I've been myself, it's the company you take to the club that should be more carefully considered. Not a smart move.

·  Anonymous said:

Of course he has pr. But people don’t understand how pr works. He doesn’t clear every private dumb decision with them and ask for professional pr advice. He lives his life (and makes dumb mistakes clearly!) but typically a professional pr team isn’t involved unless it affects him professionally, like blows up into a scandal affecting his image and work. They don’t babysit his private life. We’re all fired up about it on our corner of the internet but we’re not really at a true scandal.

·  Anonymous said:

People were rightfully dragging Cavill for dating a 19 year old.Chris went to a strip/ burlesque club with a young girl (since one woman posted about them on the birthday video we know they were there together) and there are people still thinking this is ok? (Not saying you do mood) He is stupid many times: one for doing it, one for thinking that is ok, one for leaving traces of it.Oh, wait.The girl is the one who left the traces. That remember me of someone else who used to leave proofs behind.

·  Anonymous said:

Ok. I remember when him an Janey broke up, and a few weeks later he was in Houston for the Super Bowl. Him and his friends met some girls at a party, and he invited some of them back to the house with them. Some videos were uploaded. I don’t think this is that different. He went away for a trip, met a girl, and invited her along for the ride. More than likely this is nothing, and this girl is just being opportunistic. He really needs to pick ladies who can use discretion in the future.

·  Anonymous said:

I think this is just an example of how celebrity image works. If you aren’t part of Chris fandom or gossip you have no clue. Just a basic google news search for him right now shows his DC rounds and Captain Marvel tweet. And that’s the image he wants to have (and I think genuinely does to a point). But isolated Instagram pics that don’t fit easily into a narrative are never going to get traction. Sure they’ll always be there because internet, but give it another week and it’ll barely be a blip.

·  Anonymous said:

Chris is this guy who invite strangers during party/games night in his house or girls who his friends and him met to à bar for partying in friend's house(the tmz video after the end of round 1),it's seem to be how he is but he is the guy, in doing that who trust in everybody and after there are these kind of pic/video not flattering in not flattering place. I see some say he is single so he's enjoy it but he did it when he was with JS, her tweet where she was upset to his bf going to stripclub.

·  Anonymous said:

This would not be blowing up if this bella girl had seemed to be in the company of the same friends at the box as she went to NYC with but that is not the case. Mark might have been with them too but why would this rocky lanes person only follow bella's IG and not Mark's too?

·  Anonymous said:

All of this stuff is already on twitter and instagram tagging Chris, Megan and even Josh for some reason...

·  Anonymous said:

Maybe i missed something, but what’s wrong with Chris taking pics in that club or wherever he was & why couldnt the girl(s) put the pic on her ig

·  Anonymous said:

I haven't heard the video but the "my way good friend" comment seems like a joke. Like "this is my very famous friend who I just met and we're already close" And I think that if he denied those girls of taking a picture he'll be criticize, and considering what they work in and those outfits, seems to me like he ows them that little courtesy 🙄 cause

·  Anonymous said:

My phone was acting weirs so I don't know if my last ask got through: this bella girl is in NYC with friends from DC and a guy named doug, who works in DC, and has also met Chris is with her. If you go through their IG stories they spent the day together but she is the only one of them to post from the box something.

·  Anonymous said:

High end club or not, I checked the pic bellanovemberr posted with the women in her stories and their room seems cheap and have holes in the ceiling. It doesn't matter how expensive those places are, I always at least side eye how they treat women. Their employees deserve better and more respect.

·  Anonymous said:

C'mon! It is one of the most exclusive night clubs in NY. I read the reviews of The Box on the web and there’s nothing wrong with attending such a place. It is not absolutamnete a local “hard”. as he quotes a review I found: “It’s definitely not a local hard if any of you are asking, it’s fun, crazy and weird … it totally reflects New York.”

And, maybe, it was the birthday video girl who invited Chris to go there.

·  Anonymous said:

Do you think it’d be weird if Chris hooked up with a 20 year old...I mean look at Leo Dicaprio and his girlfriend

·  Anonymous said:

Some people have serious problems with celebrities (here: Chris), pedestals, and managing their own fantasies and expectations. They build them up up up, and inevitably get SERIOUSLY broken hearted, hurt, and bitter, when the celeb in question obviously fails to live up to them. I mean, how can they? They're human, and almost never actually aware of these expectations. And I wish I could say that these fans are young and inexperienced, but a lot of them are adults, so...

·  Anonymous said:

"Her IG is also followed by Mark Kassen, who is also in New York." Mark followed her the same day she posted that video.

·  Anonymous said:

I'm not naive to think single/married man and other famous actors don't go to those places but how many of them have pics taken there? None. I checked the club and it's a sort of freak show club too and celebs are part of the customers. A Vanity Fair article mentioned some names. But no pics. So it doesn't stick with them. It can be said that it's hipocritical go there and refuse pics but it would be the best decision for his image. Let's bet he will post a pic of Dogder?

·  Anonymous said:

Recently I came across this Don Cheadle interview on Seth Meyers, where he talked about him,Evans,RDJ,Hemsworth & Renner going to Burlesque club in London & nobody recognising them on street so I guess they all are into this kind of entertainment but only this guy is dumb enough to take pics

·      Anonymous said:

That girl’s comment about SSH made me laugh! Hope he had fun at that burlesque bar! Establishments like those are sooo nice.

                                                                                                                                 ·      Anonymous said:                                                 

The fact his boyfriend(ex now) deleted all the pics of her means himself discovered how is she is: at the same time she was dating him she doesn't have qualms to touch too much a man who has the double of his age, play like she said and pursue him in NY in a burlesque show, that imply naked women and alcohol when he was in far away of her. She didn't do all the things without have something in mind. She lost her boyfriend for have the attention of Chris for few hours. Well play girl.      

·     Anonymous said: 

I don’t think that one who makes a happy birthday video like this to a girl for her twenties, surprising her age so young, then he decides to have fun with a girl of the same age or little more.

[thewomaninlilywhite]

@thecircusofyourmind see, I actually answered all these in a googledoc the day you sent me the ask, I’m just The Worst and never posted it...

Disclaimer: I left out some questions I’m not comfortable answering (usually because thinking about the answer made me too anxious)

Also, Christine is my therapist… her name comes up a few times in these answers

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

I am 5’ but I wish I was shorter because, growing up, I was always the shortest so now it’s weird and makes me feel uncomfortable when I’m not...if that makes sense. Like, it feels like part of my identity is gone? (Christine lowkey roasts me for this one)

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

I’m such a cat person. I love cats. I’d want a either a pure white persian or a bombay or a maine coon.

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style?

I love the fashion of the 1930s-1950s

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?

I played way more mario kart than my skills (or lack thereof) would suggest. Also, professor Layton (still do!)

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

Warning: Very sensitive and overemotional: handle with care. Is prone to bursting out into showtunes she thinks she can sing, but can’t.

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

I’m a melancholic mercury (I do shakespeare so I always think in terms of temperaments and planets, especially because I have too much sanguine tendency to identify as purely melancholic, but it is definitely my dominant temperament)

9: Are you ticklish?

Absolutely

10: Are you allergic to anything?

I’m lactose-intolerant, I try to cut back on gluten because of my Hashimotos, I also can’t eat peppers and usually avoid soy, but I’ve never actually been tested for allergies so like, who knows

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

Cat

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?

An elf, I’m already small

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber?

I subscribe to so many different YouTubers for so many different reason, but if I had to pick one, I’d probably say Kathryn Morgan because her videos have helped me so much as a both a dancer and a person (especially with my diet and lifestyle because we have the same thyroid condition)

16: How tall are you?

5’

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

115lb. but I’m trying to lose weight (I want to be under 110, and trust me, I’ve got plenty to lose)

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?

To an extent

20: Do you like space or the ocean more?

The ocean, the infiniteness of space makes me too anxious, plus, I’ve always lived near the ocean.

21: Are you religious?

Yes

22: Pet peeves?

Slow walkers, people who don’t give you personal space in the queue, people who have no respect for the people around them in public places in general, the list is actually pretty long.

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?

I basically am nocturnal – I literally can never concentrate on important things until after 8pm

24: Favorite constellation?

Scorpio because I can always see it when my family goes up to Maine over the summer so it makes me think of that

25: Favorite star?

So tacky, but I love Polaris; I feel like it’s so magical to think that long ago sailors would look up at the sky and based off this little guy, could figure out where they were. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy for some reason.

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?

I never had on eso I had to google this and they’re beautiful

27: Any phobias or fears?

I have anxiety (social phobia, arachnophobia, thanatophobia, claustrophobia, fear of abandonment, fear of the unknown, the list is long and my therapist doesn’t like me going this deep into it because then I get overwhelmed and trigger a panic attack – we’re working on my social anxiety first…)

28: Do you think global warming is real?

I think the earth goes through periods of cooling (ending in with the ice ages) and warming (which we are currently in) and therefore do not think that warming is CAUSED by humans, but I do think humans are speeding up the process

30: Favorite movie?

Mary Poppins, Rebecca, It’s a Wonderful Life, and Confessions of a Shopaholic are the only movies I’ve sat and watched all the way through on more than one occasion without being distracted so...

32: How many pets have you owned in your lifetime?

I had a cat named Lucky when I was younger, I currently have a cat named Lindsay, and, when I was younger, I had two goldfish who I named Dora and Boots (and Lucky ate them when the bowl got [mysteriously] knocked off the counter)

34: What is a color that calms you?

Lavender and Ballet Pink (gee, I wonder why)

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?

New York is my home, I adore Paris, but I could see myself living in London

36: Where were you born?

Long Island

37: What is your eye color?

Hazel, though sometimes they appear blue when it’s raining

38: Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

I don’t believe in them per se, but I do read my horoscope everyday because the one I use tends to have little motivational sayings in it and they help boost my mood

40: Hugs or kisses?

Depends on who they’re from

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

A lot of people...

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

Everyone...I love far too much

43: Any piercings you want?

I have two holes in my ears and I don’t desire any more than that

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

I don’t think they make a person MORE attractive, but I like how they allow people to express themselves, especially with the artistry involved with tattoos. You can learn a lot about a person based off what they put on/do to their bodies

45: Do you smoke or have you ever done so?

Absolutely not – I don’t like associating with people who do… it makes me very uncomfortable

47: What is a sound you really hate?

Loud noises

49: Can you do a backflip?

I wish

50: Can you do the splits?

Definitely

53: How are you feeling right now?

Lonely

55: When did you feel happiest?

When I am dancing

56: Something that calms you down?

Listening to music, reading, writing, dancing, sketching...

57: Have any mental disorders?

I’ve been formally diagnosed with multiple types of anxiety disorders (GAD, Social Anxiety, other phobias, OCD) but… let’s just say there are things I keep from may therapist that may imply I have others...

58: What does your URL mean?

It’s a reference to The Woman in White and The Secret Garden

59: What three words describe you the most?

Passionate, Loyal, Overwhelmed

60: Do you believe in evolution?

Simple answer: yes

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

If they post too much about politics (because I use social media to escape the real world, not to be reminded of it, plus a lot of things [especially on here] are not fact-checked so I don’t believe much of it anyway), if they start posting things that make me uncomfortable or strain my own mental health, if they’re rude to me or other bloggers

62: What makes you follow a blog?

I like them and/or their content

63: Favorite kind of person:

Trustworthy and open

64: Favorite animal(s):

Puffins, Penguins, Cats

68: What is your MBTI personality type?

I’ve taken multiple tests and it’s always either INTJ or INFJ, but their percentages are always close to 50/50 so it really depends on the situation

69: What is your star sign?

Libra

73: Do you have platform shoes?

I have platform heels?

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?

I’m currently trying to read every Hercule Poirot novel (is that interesting? Idk I’m a pretty boring person)

75: Can you do a front flip?

Again, I wish.

76: Do you like birds?

Sure

77: Do you like to swim?

Yes

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?

I rarely go ice skating. I used to love it when I did, but I haven’t gone since my knee surgery so I think I’ll be too anxious to enjoy it

82: Something you really enjoy doing:

Being creative

83: Favorite person to talk to:

I don’t like talking to people

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

I thought it’s what all the “cool popular girls” at school used, but I didn’t understand it and didn’t actually use my blog until months after I created it

85: How many followers do you have?

730

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

I have before, but I’m not sure if I still could.

87: Do your socks always match?

Yes

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

Yes

89: What are your birthstones?

Opal

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

A fox

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

A rose, sweet and elegant, yet prickly and cautious toward people trying to use me

92: A store you hate?

Urban Outfitters

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

I shouldn’t drink more than one cup of decaf a day, but sometimes I do… sorry Christine

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

Neither

95: Do you like to wear camo?

No

96: Winter or summer?

Winter

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

A minute, last time I timed myself

99: Someone you look up to:

Laura Michelle Kelly

100: A store you love?

H&M

101: Favorite type of shoes

Heels

102: Where do you live?

New York

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?

No because I have a very sensitive stomach and would literally die of malnutrition if I didn’t eat meat because I can’t eat a lot of food that vegetarians/vegans use as supplements

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

I love amethysts and pearls and opals and diamonds

105: Do you drink milk?

I can’t

106: Do you like bugs?

No

107: Do you like spiders?

...I’m arachnophobic

108: Something you get paranoid about?

Everything, I have an anxiety disorder (actually multiple…)

109: Can you draw:

Kinda?

111: A question you hate being asked?

“Why do you keep to yourself all the time”

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?

NO THANK YOU

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

Yes!

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

Cloudy, I get chronic migraines so the sun can be too much for me

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now:

Joe, one of my absolute best friends (he gives the BEST hugs)

118: Do you have freckles?

Yes

119: Favorite thing about a person:

If they treat me kindly and gently and don’t make fun of how emotional I am

120: Fruits or vegetables?

Fruits

121: Something you want to do right now:

Sing

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?

Ocean

123: Sweet or sour foods?

Sweet

124: Bright or dim lights?

Dim, but not too dim

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

How catty people are

127: Something you love about Tumblr:

The way little niches form

128: What do you think about the least?

Things that trigger my anxiety ?? How is this question supposed to be asked ??

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?

No one, that’s rude

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

I don’t like anything about myself (Christine’s gonna come for me for this because she always tries to get me to answer these kinds of questions and I never can)

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

My teeth can’t physically show when I smile?

133: Computer or TV?

Computer

134: Do you like roller coasters?

Yes

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?

No

136: Are your ears lobed or attached?

Lobed

137: Do you believe in karma?

Yes

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

Like a 0

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

Jillibean, chicklet, Jilli, Jill, I usually just go by Jillian though

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?

Yes

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

Shout out to my girl Christine for putting up with my disaster of a life every friday morning at 9am!

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

I feel like I have no influence over others

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

I like giving help, but hate giving gifts because I feel like I’m so bad at it

144: What makes you angry

When people don’t listen to me, when people aren’t being fair (in a situation where fairness is due)

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

2 – English and French

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

I prefer people who are nice to me

147: Are you androgynous?

No

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

Wasn’t this already asked? Nothing

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

Nothing

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

Joe, Sammi, Lindsey

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

Victorian England

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

Yes

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

YES is this not something people do?? (sorry Joe)

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

Yes (seriously wishing Joe used tumblr so I could tag him in all these things)

156: What embarrasses you?

Everything, legit my entire existence is an embarrassment to everyone who associates with me

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

Everything, I have an (several) anxiety disorder(s)

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

“I’m fine”

159: How many people are you following?

139 – I did like a cleanse over the summer

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?

84,034 and I actually just gasped at that number – why am I like this?

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?

None

162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?

4,901

163: Last time you cried and why:

Watching “When Calls the Heart” earlier had me teary-eyed, but I was kinda at my Grandmother funeral a few days ago so???

164: Do you have long or short hair?

Long

165: Longest your hair has ever been:

I don’t know, I don’t measure it?

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon?

I like religion when it is practiced in a way that doesn’t harm other people. I don’t believe that anyone should be forced to follow a religion, but it can really provide safety and guidance to people when followed correctly.

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

Yes – it’s an artform to me, and I love experimenting with different looks!

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds?

Head, yes, hands, no and I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong because I know all like the techniques and stuff I’m supposed to be employing and they never work ???

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

yes

[ruginite]

P.S.A. - I’ve Counted To Three

Originally I had fully intended not to publicly address this. However after some careful consideration, attempting to resolve the issue privately to no avail, and the influx of anon hate that has been flooding into my inbox...I’ve decided to make a statement. Which for those interested can be found beneath the cut.

First of all I would like to make it clear that there will be no call outs here. No names @’d. No tagging of the individual with which the issue arose. Why? Because it is honestly beneath me to stoop to that level of ugliness and leave something that could be deemed negative on their tag. No matter the fact the same courtesy was not shown to me or the other person which the issue affected.

That being said.

The individual was blocked by me, for reasons I did not feel I needed to specify at the time. Nearly a month (perhaps more) after the blocking occurred, said individual became aware of it (or perhaps just became publicly vocal about it). Either way there was a substantial amount of time between the time of me blocking and it becoming a publicly known situation. And from there it is has just...gotten out of hand. 

Therefore, I felt it reasonable that I (who has remained 'publicly’ silent about it prior to this) should post what happened and what was done about it from my own point of view. So that those of you who are mutual followers of me and the individual will be able to make an informative decision on what you wish or wish not to do. In regards to anything from your opinion of me to who or who not to unfollow or block or whatever it is you may be struggling with in regards to this extremely sticky situation. One which I do apologize that you became wrapped up in to start with.

Over the course of this weekend, I decided in an attempt to defuse the situation to unblock the individual and message them. Explaining why I unfollowed and blocked. And requesting that they stop the hostility, remove my tag from their call out post, and let us move on with our separate existences here on tumblr and other forums. I was responded to with animosity. (Which i am not saying isn’t their right, they were clearly upset.) But I will leave it up to you, the reader, to decide. You may find the contents of that correspondence here:

As some of you may know, (because you were following me when I posted it and/or helped out) my family started the year off in financial crisis. The kind that can not be foreseen or expected. And because of this both myself and my husband were forced to do something neither of us are great at doing, which is asking for help. We believe in hard work and earning your own way and dealing with your own pit falls. However with children it’s not such an easy thing to expect them to suffer because life threw you an unforeseeable curve ball. So we reached out to family and friends and after two days of struggling over it I made a post asking if anyone here could assist. I did not reblog it multiple times, I did not beg. I posted it once and only once. (As to what others did with it for single boosting purposes was not asked for. Though I and my husband greatly appreciated the help and kindness shown to us via the single boosts and the donations made.) 

That was nearly three months ago. We’re still in a holding pattern and we are still dealing with unemployment but thanks to family and friends and finally getting into the state run program to help families during such types of crisis, we are still afloat and hopefully soon will hear back from one of over a dozen places that have shown interest in hiring. So do please keep your fingers crossed for us.

All of that to explain what exactly was being thrown back in my face in the response that I received, above and beyond the implication that I sent some (or maybe all because nothing is safe to assume anymore) of the anonymous hate that the individual received regarding the drama that began when they published their call out post. 

I’d like to take a moment to make one thing abundantly crystal clear ---

I did not, have not, and will not send anonymous hate to anybody. No matter what they do. What they say. Or how they treat me or my friends.

I’ve never done it before and I have no intention of starting now. It’s not my style. On top of the fact that I receive too much of it in a given week to even think about putting anyone else through that sort of garbage. I live my life based on karma. And karma always, always, comes back to you in threes. And I’ve got enough challenges right now to even dare chance collecting bad karma. Let alone that sending anonymous hate is just straight up ugly. You’ve got to be a very particular shade of horrible to do it. You’ve got something to say? Say it face to face. If you can’t say it like that? You shouldn’t say it at all. And in some cases shouldn’t say it anyway.

Now where perhaps I should have let it lie, simply reblocked and left them to do whatever it is they were or weren’t going to do. But I didn’t. I tried again. And this is what I sent:

I have not received any response to this. At this point I have no idea if I will, but I am going to leave channels open (e.g. keep this blog unblocked) until at least Tuesday. I do my best to give everyone time to respond because some times real life gets in the way of life here on tumblr. After Tuesday however I will block. And I will move on. And as far as I am concerned the matter will be closed. Because I have done everything I can to defuse the situation, with zero co-operation on their part.

In regards to the anons I have received, the individual has received, and any others have received regarding this fiasco...

Whoever it is that is sending them. Please stop. You are not helping. You are only making it worse, blowing it further out of proportion and causing oceans of unnecessary upheaval and discourse. Enough is enough. And we passed enough two days ago, when the call out post was made. 

And I will close with one last point:

I and the other person for which the call out post affected - do not owe the individual nor anyone else an apology for blocking said individual. Like everyone else here on this site, we have a right to block who we chose, when we chose, for whatever reason we chose--with or without explanation. That is our prerogative. Our right to keep our dashes and our lives here on Tumblr shaped how we want them to be shaped. It is a real shame that there are people that do not understand that. That they feel as though they are entitled to information that is effectively not their business. 

So I would like to turn this entire situation into a chance to remind everyone: 

If you are blocked it was for a reason. Let it go. Not everyone is going to like you. Just like not everyone likes oranges. Or not everyone likes the color blue. 

If you block someone do not let anyone guilt trip you about it. No matter the circumstances.  Blocking someone is your right and your choice. Never let someone make you feel bad about removing something from your dash that either upsets you or otherwise negatively affects your Tumblr experience. 

Everyone be safe and live long,

Chicken

[nightglider124]

i know youre a disney fan, do you think you could do like a meta of sorta to pin point your saddest disney moments?

Oooh; intersting ask. Can I just say like all of them? Orrr? No? Okay. 

Will gladly do one of those meta type things but I haven’t really done one before so if it’s crappy, sue me. Erm…I suppose I can do this in order, starting with the film I find the least sad. 

By the way, I’ll only be doing films that either made me tear up or made me bawl like a baby or ones that didn’t at all and that I hate.

Oh, and spoilers, in case you haven’t seen some of these Disney movies.

Read on to see me rambling about sad disney.

15. Bambi

I know people will probably want to shoot me but I think I may have mentioned before… I really dislike Bambi. I think it’s a good film, but when Bambi’s mother dies, I don’t feel as sad as others do. I don’t know why but I just don’t think it’s that much of a tear jerker film. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen it in years and maybe I would appreciate it more as an adult but this film has never really been a winner in my books for saddest disney films. I mean, I will give it props; it was definitely sad as one of the first films to kill off a character and not bring them back to life. But, if we know one thing about Disney, it’s that it’s secretly evil. Makes us all so sad at some points. But yeah, Bambi is dead last because it really isn’t that great in my eyes. Soz not soz.

14. Brother Bear

This film, I remember, really struck a chord with me when I watched it back in the day. When I was a kid, I remember this film being up there with my sad ones… y’know before I grasped the sadness of other damn disney films. Watching it when I’m older though, it’s not as sad. And, it’s strange that whilst Bambi doesn’t effect me at all, this one did.

The part that upset me the most is when Kenai confesses to Koda about what he did as a human, before he was changed by the spirits, into a bear. Basically, you find out that Koda and his mother gets separated early on in the movie, only to find out via Kenai that the bear he killed whilst human was in fact, Koda’s mother. 

The scene gets me because Koda suddenly pieces together and realises that because of his newfound brother, his mother is never going to find him or come back. It’s just quite hard hitting. Defo still makes me sad now but was sadder when I was little.

13. Finding Dory 

First of all, baby Dory is the freakin’ cutest thing in this universe like if you disagree, just unfollow me like right now omg. Look at her little face!?

Ahem… anyway, another film that’s further up the list because whilst I found it sad, it didn’t make me cry like a baby. 

The reason, if anything, why I teared up is for when Dory finds her parents. It’s just really touching because she’s upset because she forgot her own parents but they’re so proud of her for finding them. It’s sweet and sad because they’ve stayed in the exact same spot all the years, just waiting for her and oh, it’s just a good’un. I feel like I happy cried more so than sad cried with this one tbh but eh, still. It made me cry so.

12. Frozen

Now… Night has to be careful here, because Frozen is my all time favorite Disney film. I know it’s a newer one and can never compete with the traditional Disney movies but… I absolutely love Frozen… I have to be careful so I don’t just gush about it. 

First of all, Frozen is one of the Disney films that doesn’t end with the female lead being saved by a freakin’ man and I love it for that reason. I hate the typical Princess movies where they’re the damsel in distress. 

Most of all, I love this film for a reason that Disney is so famous for. I can partially relate to it. The story, at it’s core, is about sisters and I love my sister so much, she’s like my best friend. So, when watching it, I definitely feel a connection to it, so much that I tear up near the end.

I started to feel sad when Anna is struck in the heart with ice by Elsa when she’s scared and then I got sadder when Hans tells her, “Oh Anna, if only there was someone out there who loved you.” and he shows his true colors and is the bad guy. 

But, the bit that makes me tear up is when Elsa breaks down, thinking she has killed Anna and Hans is about to kill Elsa. But, Anna, realizing she has to do an act of true love to save herself but loving her sister more than herself, jumps in and sacrifices herself for Elsa, just before turning to ice. 

Spoiler, it has a happy ending, I swear.

I feel close with this because I would do the same for my sister. It’s what family does; look out for each other in every way you can think of. But, Frozen is still up there for not making me blubber as much as other films do.

11. Brave

Another great Disney tale for the gals; a Scottish young’un who doesn’t want her fate decided for her by others so takes back control even if it does have bad consequences. 

I actually hadn’t watched this before like 2 Christmas’ ago. But, am I glad I got around to watching it in the end. It’s amazeballs, if ya haven’t seen it, btw. Merida is my spirit animal I swear to Lucifer. 

Again, it’s such a relatable movie. Who doesn’t clash with their mother every now and then? Especially when your mum is the queen and is trying to mold you into something you don’t want to be. 

Long story short, her mother gets changed into a bear by a witch and queue Freaky Friday storyline, kinda. To change back into a human, they have to mend what’s broken, being their bond which is getting battered by the situation at hand. 

It’s the slow transition that Elinor goes through where she keeps becoming more like an actual bear that is sad; you know they have a limited time to fix the issue and Merida will lose her mother which, despite their differences, no kid ever wants.

The bit that had me tearing up though is when they wrap Elinor in the tapestry and she doesn’t change back straight away. Merida is distraught and it’s a difficult thing to imagine happening so it’s very sad. Still, no blubbering from me though.

10. Mulan

Another favorite of mine, so maybe I’m biased in my placement of Mulan. It’s not an obvious tearjerker but it’s still sad, nonetheless.

The whole idea of Mulan being a disappointment to her family and bringing dishonor upon her ancestors if just so saddening anyway. Then she feels she has to go into the army instead of her father due to his poor health which would surely lead to his death. 

She goes and along the way feels like it was going to be the thing to make her feel “worthwhile”. 

Again, I tear up with this scene for happy reasons moreso than sad. After she has saved China and returns home, Mulan offers her spoils of war to her father, hoping she has not dishonoured him too much and hoping he can forgive her. 

It’s a sweet and touching moments as her father throws the items aside, telling her, “The greatest gift and honour is having you for a daughter.”

Sniff… so sweet.

9. Moana

Another amazing film and one of the newer Disney ones so not all people are on board. I mean, mostly Moana was a hit but some people despise the computerized Disney nowadays and say it’s not ‘real disney’. 

Ya’ll need to get a grip and stop being a baby.

Anyway, there’s a couple tear jerking moments in this one. But, first and obviously foremost, her grandmother’s death is heartbreaking. 

Her grandmother is practically the only one who understands her connection with the ocean and so, supports what Moana was born for whereas her father, wants her to be the next chief of the island. People think her granny is a bit of a nut but she’s simply a carefree old woman, who talks of becoming a stingray in her next life.

Shortly after they talk on the beach, she is dying in her tent but tells Moana that she’ll always be with her. I feel like that line is just a heart string tugger tbh. 

Anyway, later, when Moana feels hopeless and lost, a load of stingrays come and of course, there is her grandmother, with her and watching over her. It’s a heartwarming moment so you tear up for a whole other reason. 

Again, we have yet to enter into the blubbering section of Disney films.

8. Lion King

Heh… bet ya’ll thought this would be further down the list, right?

Wrong.

Idk why I’m not like everyone else when it comes to saddest Disney films. Don’t get me wrong, this is no Bambi situation, I found Lion King so damn sad but moreso because of Simba’s attempts to “wake him up” when he sees Mufasa laying there after Scar has fucked him over and dropped him to his death.

That is just… ugh. Why Disney!? It’s just that knowledge that Mufasa is dead that Simba doesn’t understand straight away.

It’s just bad. Bad Disney.

But, I think it’s because I’ve only seen Lion King like once. I feel if I watch it more, I would feel sadder at that part but it doesn’t make me cry. Then again, maybe it’s because I knew what was coming when I first watched it. Idk.

So highish up there but not enough to make me an emotional mess.

7. Finding Nemo

I remember watching this when I was younger and… ugh. 

The sad part for me, and I’m sure I’m not alone is the very start. 

Marlin and Coral are all excited to be parents, with Marlin worrying they won’t like him. They’re adorable and playfully chase each other.

Then, they notice everyone in their neighborhood has gone inside and that a barracuda is lurking nearby, looking for a snack. 

The moment is just so… you know what’s gonna happen as soon as you see the barracuda, to be completely honest. 

Coral is already a mother, her babies just aren’t born yet but her instincts are nothing but motherly. She looks from the barracuda to eggs, and makes the choice to go for her children, which ends up causing her demise.

Coral’s death is definitely a sad one, especially because that makes Marlin all the more protective of the only egg left, Nemo.

You lie if you didn’t tear up at Finding Nemo.

6. Tarzan

Anyone who knows me knows that my two favorite traditional Disney films are Mulan and Tarzan. 

Tarzan is so good and has such a cute message. Like, the whole thing when he’s a kid of Kala saying they aren’t that different is just such a good thing. Underneath, we’re all the same. It doesn’t matter how we look on the outside. 

Anyway, the part I find sad is 3 fold. The first part is when Kala and Kerchak’s baby gets eaten by Sabor whilst they’re sleeping. It’s so sad and it’s parallel with Tarzan and his parents, making it all the more sad.

The second part is when Tarzan finds out that Kala isn’t actually his mother and that his real parents were killed by Sabor when he was a baby. Then, he subsequently leaves to go back to England with Jane, telling his mother, “No matter where I go, you’ll always be my mother.”

The third part is Kerchak’s death and his final acceptance of Tarzan as his son. It’s a bittersweet moment as Kerchak quickly succombs to the gunshot wound inflicted by Clayton. 

Phil Collins music over the top of some of this just makes it sadder too so, y’know. 

Love me some Tarzan.

5. Monsters Inc

Now, we’re getting into the top 5 aka, films that made me a tearful mess.

No one does sadness quite like Disney and Pixar mixed together. 

Also, none of ya’ll can tell me you watched the ending of this film without crying, even a little bit. 

From the moment Boo shows up, we know that at some point, we’re going to have to say goodbye to her. She belongs in the human world; not their world.

And, despite not wanting to, we grow very attached to little Boo. She’s adorable and watching her slowly become a part of Sully’s life is heartwarming.

Now, you all know the scene I’m going to talk about.

When all is done, Boo has to go back through her floral door, no matter how much we don’t want her to go. It’s a hard scene to watch. Sully knows she has to leave but Boo excitably shows him all her toys before hugging Sully as he tells her that he has to leave. 

Saddest part? When Boo jumps out, giggles and throws open the door, thinking that ‘Kitty’ will be there but isn’t. It’s worse because she’s so little and doesn’t understand why he can’t stay or vice versa.

Of course, all is well because of Mike but you already knew that.

4. Toy Story 3

THIS FILM MAN. 

The funny thing about the entire Toy Story franchise is that, whilst Andy grows up, so does the audience which is why Toy Story 3 hurts and cuts so deep. For kids, films like this are great but for adults, there’s the undercurrent. 

Andy growing up is something every adult can relate to and from start to finish, we’ve been on this journey too. It’s a reminder to the audience that we have grown up too. We’re not kids anymore.

Now, this one is sad for many reasons; honorable mention to the incinerator scene. However, it’s the very end, when Andy gives his toys to Bonnie and plays with them one last time which is bittersweet to say the least. 

As he looks back, Andy thanks his toys for his childhood and the memories they have shared together and Woody simply utters, “So long, partner.”

It’s sad because every adult knows the feeling of having to give up the toys and enter into adulthood. It sucks but everyone has to grow up.

Toy Story 3 has a special place in my heart. The whole growing up thing has always been a hard thing for me personally so it resonates quite accurately.

3. Up

God… just the first 5 minutes of this movie has you in tears. 

It’s really astonishing how an animated film can make you feel so much in such a short amount of time without any dialogue or anything. Just some sequences and some music and you are weeping like a baby.

In the start of the movie, we see Carl find and fall in love with his sweetheart, Ellie. You see their life together. You see their marriage, their picnics, the house they build together. You see the sad stuff too, like when Ellie suffers a miscarriage and the couple are told they cannot have a child, prompting them to focus their dream on getting to Paradise falls instead by throwing change in a jar whenever they can.

Life slows this down and they live a long life into old age together, forgetting about their dream. Realizing this, Carl buys flight tickets and prepares to surprise Ellie on one of their routine picnics but Ellie collapses and is hospitalised, where she dies but not before handing her adventure book to her husband.

Ellie is a reoccurring character in the film, even after death as Carl becomes a miserable old man without his love. The rest of the film is top notch too but it’s the Carl and Ellie scenes that are upsetting for me.

Even later, when all is lost, Carl takes a minute to sit in his chair and look back through her adventure book. But, what he doesn’t realize is that Ellie kept it updated, sticking photos of their life together in the remaining pages and writing a message for him of, “Thanks for the adventure! Now go have a new one!” 

It’s the tender moments like that.. I just… ugh, Disney/Pixar are actually evil. This one is one I blubbered like a damn baby.

2. Big Hero 6

I know some of you are probably like wtf, how does this beat out some of those others? 

Idk, it just does. And it has a wicked soundtrack so brownie points and all.

It starts off sad straight from the get go, like really. 

Quickly into it, Tadashi is like the god send older brother. He loves his kid brother, no matter how stupid he can be. Anyway, he helps Hiro prepare for the showcase at Tadashi’s “nerd school” and after wowing everyone in the building with his microbots, is offered a place at the school by professor Callaghan. 

During the night, the two brothers go off and talk on a bridge when suddenly, a fire breaks out over in the main hall of the school. Tadashi and Hiro rush over and after learning professor Callaghan is still inside, Tadashi runs in to help, telling Hiro, “Someone has to help.” 

In complete Disney style, there is an explosion, killing Tadashi and apparently, Callaghan. It’s sad because of the bond shown between the two.

But, weirdly enough, the scene that gets me crying every time without fail is Baymax’s goodbye scene. Hiro and Baymax journey into the unstable portal to get Callaghan’s daughter who was thought to be dead but is actually in hypersleep. 

Whilst trying to get her pod back through the portal, Baymax and Hiro are hit by oncoming debris, partially damaging Baymax’s supersuit. He tells Hiro that he can still get him and Abigail to safety but cannot deactivate until Hiro says he is satisfied with his care. Hiro is stricken, telling him they will find another way to which Baymax tells him there isn’t any time and asks him for a final time if he is satisfied with his care.

This is sad because Hiro says, “No… I-I can’t lose you too.” 

Think about it. Baymax was created by Tadashi and so, Baymax really is the last piece of Tadashi and losing Baymax as well… it’s too much. Sadly, Hiro tells Baymax he is satisfied with his care and he is ejected back through the portal; a somewhat bittersweet ending to their rescue mission.

There are quite a few other mentions of sadness in this film too but… just go watch it if you haven’t. It’s a humdinger on the emotions.

1. Inside Out

I know, I know… you’re probably like whaaat!? Night!?

But, for some reason, this film… it just hits home for me. It’s a similar one to Toy Story, in a sense. It’s a movie about emotions and figuring those emotions out.

I think I cry more than I should with a particular part of this movie but… if you’ve never struggled with emotions then this will do nothing for you. Again, it’s a great movie for kids but for adults? It reinforces nostalgia and being a child. Disney really has a knack for hitting adults where it hurts.

So, the story follows Riley, an eleven year old girl who has just moved from Minnesota to San Francisco. She has to process all of this; leaving her hockey team behind, her friends and most of all, the place where she made all of her childhood memories. 

Throughout the film, we see two of her core five emotions seemingly getting in each other’s way. Joy and Sadness don’t work well together. Joy feels like Sadness simply wrecks the memories and after some problems, the two of them find themselves outside of the main emotional hub and to get back, they need to travel a long way, encountering many parts of Riley on the way.

Now… the scene that upset me the most and I’m talking… I cried so much, my sister was like what the fuck are you okay. It’s a horrible scene.

On their adventures, Joy and Sadness meet Bing Bong, a hobo style elephant creature who happens to be Riley’s old imaginary friend from when she was a child. He wanders around with them, trying to help them get back where they need to be. 

At some point, Joy and Bing Bong fall into an abyss known as “forgotten memories” which is typically things from Riley’s childhood which she no longer remembers as she has grown up. 

To get back up to the surface, Joy and Bing Bong use a little wagon from her childhood which they dig up from a mountain of old memories or fading memories, I should say.

After a few attempts, they fail yet again but Bing Bong notices that he is slowly fading away and prompts Joy to try one more time, telling her, “He has a good feeling about this one.”

As the wagon is about to take to the ramp, Bing Bong tells Joy to sing the song louder and taking this opportunity, jumps off the wagon and sacrifices himself to the forgotten memories just so Joy can make it. 

Here, have the pleasure of watching it:

The reason that this strikes me so much like right in the feels is because... an imaginary friend is like the epitome of childhood. It’s the one friend who is always there and you never think you’ll forget them or have to say goodbye. 

But, when you grow up, you don’t need that imaginary friend anymore and they fade away as you get older. 

I feel this a lot because I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid and I thought we were inseparable. I even made my mum move on the bus because “Barney” would be sitting there, obviously! 

Again, this film... I think hits adults way harder than kids. It’s hard when you sit and think about growing up. No one wants to but you gotta at some point and you’re never gonna be prepared for it. Not being a kid... you can’t get ready for that. 

This film takes number one, mostly because of this scene. It’s so hard to watch, personally. Like it just tends to remind me that I’m not a kid anymore and that stage of my life is over which like it or not, is depressing. It’s a reminder that we’re getting older and life isn’t slowing down. 

God, ending it on a sad note but that’s my top 15. 

Hope you liked this and hey, if you stuck around to read all of it; go you. I salute you, ya trooper.

[foundcarcosa]

ccvii.

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? >> Height isn’t important to me. I’m slightly taller than Can Calah, shorter than Eden, and substantially smaller in general than Vinternoll, and that’s the way I like it. (I am usually around the same height in headspace as I am in meatspace) 2: What’s your dream pet (real or not)? >> Gaudior the winged unicorn (A Swiftly Tilting Planet)

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? >> I have quite a few favourite clothing styles. I’ll always be some sort of goth at heart, I will say.

4: What was your favorite video game growing up? >> My favourite computer games were The Logical Journey of the Zoombinis and Alien Tales. I had like a weird kid-crush on Sal of deCentury, the alien game show host... (and who at all is surprised)

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: >> Oh, I don’t know.

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? >> Warning: Black Carcosa is a caustic irradiated substance. Prolonged contact with Black Carcosa may cause severe mental deterioration, burns and lesions (or legions, even), and enhanced delusions of reference. Please consult your psychologist before engaging Black Carcosa. Keep away from children, pets, your electronics, and anything else whose innocence and integrity you hold dear.

7: What is your Greek personality type (Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic)? >> Primarily Phlegmatic, it seems.

8: Are you ticklish? >> Not usually.

9: Are you allergic to anything? >> No.

10: What’s your sexuality? >> There are a lot of things I’d gladly fuck, but not a whole lot of humans.

11: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? >> I greatly prefer tea.

12: Are you a cat or dog person? >> My preference leans towards dogs.

13: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? >> I identify most with elves, out of the three. 

14: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? >> No.

15: How tall are you? >> 5′4″.

16: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? >> I’d like to not wish to change my name anymore, actually.

17: How much do you weigh? >> Somewhere between 130 and 135 lbs.

18: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? >> I am open to the experience.

19: Do you like space or the ocean more? >> I am more interested in what lies beyond this planet than what lies on it, although this planet is also extremely fascinating in all its complexity.

20: Are you religious? >> Intensely.

21: Pet peeves? >> Passivity.

22: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal (opposite of nocturnal)? >> I... am fine being mostly nocturnal.

23: Favorite constellation? >> Orion. Always Orion.

24: Favorite star? >> I haven’t chosen one.

25: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? >> Sure, especially custom ones.

26: Any phobias or fears? >> Meh.

27: Do you think global warming is real? >> I understand climate change as a process that occurs, yes.

28: Do you believe in reincarnation? >> I am open to the experience.

29: Favorite movie? >> The Fountain / Interstellar.

30: Do you get scared easily? >> No.

31: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? >> I used to take care of a couple of cats, for a short time. Fyodor and Hela. But almost all of the pets I’ve lived with have technically been under the custodianship of others.

32: What is a color that calms you? >> Soft, slightly desaturated bluish-grey.

33: Where would you like to travel and/or live? >> I would prefer to live in New Orleans and travel anywhere.

34: Where were you born? >> Elizabeth, New Jersey.

35: What is your eye color? >> Dark brown.

36: Introvert or extrovert? >> Mostly introvert. Entirely disinterested in “introvert culture”.

37: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? >> I am open to the experience (and especially attracted to astrology, as I’m sure my reblogs suggest).

38: Hugs or kisses? >> Meh.

39: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? >> I’m fine not doing that.

40: Who is someone you love deeply? >> Can Calah.

41: Any piercings you want? >> Sure, if the opportunity presented itself. My focus is mostly on tattoos.

42: Do you like tattoos and piercings? >> Quite.

43: Do you smoke or have you ever done so? >> I smoke occasionally.

44: Talk about your crush, if you have one! >> My crushes at this point are pretty much celebrities and fictional characters, which is to say I have way too many of them to answer this question.

45: What is a sound you really hate? >> Mouth sounds.

46: A sound you really love? >> The sounds people make when they’re aroused but trying to keep it together.

47: Can you do a backflip? >> Not even a little bit. I saw a video where someone taught himself how to do backflips in a single afternoon. I was duly impressed.

48: Can you do the splits? >> No.

49: Favorite actor and/or actress? >> Idris Elba. Actress... maybe Rutina Wesley.

50: Favorite book? >> Ha!

51: How are you feeling right now? >> Neutral.

52: What color would you like your hair to be right now? >> I really don’t care.

53: When did you feel happiest? >> ---

54: Something that calms you down? >> Time.

55: Have any mental disorders? >> I’m more than pretty sure I do, but I haven’t been properly diagnosed a day in my life.

56: What does your URL mean? >> It was a play on “Lost Carcosa”. It eventually came to just represent... me. Now it’s a brand of sorts, so I am loath to use any other username (save for blackThirteen, which I sometimes use on websites where it’s not already taken by someone else; blackThirteen + foundCarcosa = blackCarcosa, which is what I really should be using, but it’s a little late now).

57: What three words describe you the most? >> Just three? Ha!

58: Do you believe in evolution? >> I have been convinced of evolution’s veracity.

59: What makes you unfollow a blog? >> Over a month of inactivity or a change to content that doesn’t interest me are the two main reasons I unfollow. Sometimes I unfollow for things like political platforming or too much unsourced content or having too much of the same kind of content on my dashboard or... any number of reasons, really. Sometimes a person’s opinion (or the way they present their opinion) just pisses me off and I’m not invested enough in the blog to keep them around anyway.

60: What makes you follow a blog? >> Content that I enjoy, usually. It’s pretty simple. Sometimes I have compulsive following sprees and then I have to prune later, which is a thing about myself that I’ve just gotten used to.

61: Favorite kind of person: >> Right.

62: Favorite animal(s): >> Snakes, spiders, otters, capybaras, and so on.

63: Name three of your favorite blogs. >> transistorxiii, lilithsconcubine (bet money she’ll have changed her url again by the time I post this, lmao), coldalbion.

64: Favorite emoticon: >> The cry-laughing one. I abuse the shit out of that face.

65: Favorite meme: >> Right now, probably BONELESS or that one image with the guy and the two girls that is so goddamn versatile that I haven’t gotten sick of it yet despite the fact that it’s everywhere.

66: What is your MBTI personality type? >> My last result was INTJ. I don’t care much for MBTI anymore.

67: What is your star sign? >> Gemini sun, Gemini moon, Scorpio rising, etc etc.

68: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? >> ---

69: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? >> Ghast brand rave pants and a Doctor Strange shirt, it seems.

70: Post a selfie or two? >> http://foundcarcosa.tumblr.com/tagged/this-malleable-shell

71: Do you have platform shoes? >> I don’t.

72: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? >> I used to be extremely competent at Guitar Hero / Rock Band because back when those games were popular, Best Buy and Circuit City would have stations set up in their stores where you could play them; and because I was homeless and tumblr wasn’t invented to become my biggest timesink yet, I would just stay in the stores playing guitar games all day. So I got good at it. As one does.

73: Can you do a front flip? >> No.

74: Do you like birds? >> Sure.

75: Do you like to swim? >> I can’t swim, so I don’t know if I’d like it or not. I mean, probably.

76: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? >> I can’t do either.

77: Something you wish didn’t exist: >> Meh.

78: Some thing you wish did exist: >> Everything I can conceive does exist... in some form, on some plane.

79: Piercings you have? >> Earlobes and septum.

80: Something you really enjoy doing: >> Playing video games.

81: Favorite person to talk to: >> Can Calah.

82: What was your first impression of Tumblr? >> I was extremely confused by tumblr when I first tried it out. So I abandoned it for a little over a year, and then I had to make a new account when I came back because I’d forgotten the login for the old one.

83: How many followers do you have? >> Here, 629.

84: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? >> I can’t run a mile, period.

85: Do your socks always match? >> No. I don’t bother matching my socks. Mismatched ones are more fun, anyway.

86: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? >> No.

87: What are your birthstones? >> Emerald, I think? I forget the other.

88: If you were an animal, which one would you be? >> *waggles Mordred’s spidery legs*

89: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? >> Probably a black calla lily.

90: A store you hate? >> Abercrombie and Fitch. Their store is fragranced or something. Like they put cologne swatches in the air ducts. IDFK. It’s aggravating. Also, I hate that kind of fashion.

91: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? >> I usually drink zero. 

92: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? >> Flying is more interesting than being Sookie Stackhouse.

93: Do you like to wear camo? >> No.

94: Winter or summer? >> I have a preference for winter.

95: How long can you hold your breath for? >> I don’t know.

96: Least favorite person? >> ---

97: Someone you look up to: >> *insert obvious joke here*

98: A store you love? >> Trash & Vaudeville. I wonder if it’s closed / moved yet.

99: Favorite type of shoes >> I prefer combat boot type shoes.

100: Where do you live? >> *grumbles*

101: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? >> Pescatarian. I just don’t care for meat much. I’ll eat a chicken sandwich sometimes, but otherwise I’ll stick to seafood.

102: What is your favorite mineral or gem? >> Smoky quartz is nice. Bismuth is cool as shit. Geodes are where it’s at, though.

103: Do you drink milk? >> No.

104: Do you like bugs? >> Most of them, yeah.

105: Do you like spiders? >> My children. <3

106: Something you get paranoid about? >> My physical health, sometimes.

107: Can you draw?: >> I can. I can’t draw well, though.

108: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? >> I don’t know. Nosy questions don’t bother me, though.

109: A question you hate being asked? >> Anything regarding my gender. Like, who cares. Stop boring me.

110: Ever been bitten by a spider? >> Not that I’m aware of.

111: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? >> Oh, yes.

112: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? >> It depends on how I feel that day in general. Either is good, but sometimes one is definitely better than the other.

113: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: >> ---

114: Favorite cloud type: >> Definitely cumulonimbus.

115: What color do you wish the sky was? >> My eyes interpret the sky as a variety of colours depending on time of day, weather conditions, and what pair of sunglasses I have on, and you know what, that’s good enough for me.

116: Do you have freckles? >> No.

117: Favorite thing about a person: >> ---

118: Fruits or vegetables? >> All of the above.

119: Something you want to do right now: >> I’m fine with what I’m doing.

120: Is the ocean or sky prettier? >> How could I possibly choose one over the other...? I like it best when I can observe both at the same time, actually. Maximum loveliness.

121: Sweet or sour foods? >> Savoury, spicy, sour. Sweetness only as a balancing agent.

122: Bright or dim lights? >> Dim and diffuse, always.

123: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? >> I am open to all experiences.

124: Something you hate about Tumblr: >> The poor functionality bits. Coding issues, inefficiency in design, stuff I can’t do anything about because I don’t work there.

125: Something you love about Tumblr: >> Everything else, more or less. I wouldn’t spend so much time here if I wasn’t genuinely enjoying myself.

126: What do you think about the least? >> How would I know?

127: What would you want written on your tombstone? >> I am not interested in a tombstone at all.

128: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? >> Someone sexy who had a kink for being punched in the face.

129: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? >> The fact that I am so easily bored and so interested in experience leads to interesting experiences and a tendency to be open to new things... but sometimes it just leads to recklessness and irritability.

130: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? >> Yeah, most of the time.

131: Computer or TV? >> Computer, which is often used as a television anyway.

132: Do you like roller coasters? >> I do.

133: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? >> No.

134: Are your ears free or attached? >> Unattached.

135: Do you believe in karma? >> The original concept of karma is more understandable to me than the modern colloquial definition.

136: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? >> I’m a solid 8 to myself, but you know.

137: What nicknames do you have/have had? >> Rev, Eddie, and Dio are my most used nicknames as of now.

138: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? >> I have always had Companions.

139: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? >> Yes.

140: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? >> It doesn’t matter to me either way.

141: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? >> I love to give gifts, but I also love to receive them. No reason I should have to choose. What I hate is compulsory gift exchanging. Miss me completely with that bull mess.

142: What makes you angry?: >> Eh.

143: How many languages do you speak fluently? >> One.

144: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? >> Meh.

145: Are you androgynous? >> More or less.

146: Favorite physical thing about yourself: >> I am pretty fond of my facial shape and features, and the kinda “greyboy” androgynous shape of my body. Also, this melanin is poppin. I would gladly take a little more, even.

147: Favorite thing about your personality: >> What’s a personality?

148: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. >> Meh?

149: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? >> Why would I do that?

150: Do you like BuzzFeed? >> It hasn’t given me reason to dislike it.

151: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? >> I met Sparrow on tumblr.

152: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? >> No.

153: Do you like to play with others’ hair? >> That used to be a big stim of mine, but Tommy, my first boyfriend, broke me out of that pretty badly and I never got back into it. It’s like a mental block now. Aggravating.

154: What embarrasses you? >> Meh?

155: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: >> ---

156: Biggest lie you have ever told: >> I have no idea.

157: How many people are you following? >> 1,047 right now.

158: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? >> This will be #20,540.

159: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? >> 6.

160: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? >> 87,104.

161: Last time you cried and why: >> The last memory of crying that I have is when I was listening to these videos of Pearl Jam songs with just the vocals and guitar solos isolated. I lost my shit in the middle of “Black” and the only reason I remember is because I thought to myself, fucking hell, some tumblr survey is going to ask me about the last time I cried and I’m gonna have to tell the congregation that I cried because I love Eddie Vedder too much and I started laughing like an idiot.

162: Do you have long or short hair? >> Short. Very short.

163: Longest your hair has ever been: >> To my shoulders, I think, as a child. Not including weaves, braids, and so on.

164: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religion? >> I love religion because... oh, I don’t know. It’s one of those things I don’t question too much because I’m not sure it has an easy answer. It just deeply resonates with me, is all. Yes, the whole concept of religion. Not any specific one, or anything. Just the root of it all. I don’t like what people do with religion a lot of the time, not at all... but whatever. People gonna people.

165: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? >> Well, sure. It’s fucking fascinating. Even if the theories are only theories, they’re still interesting to me. I’ll probably never know, but that won’t ever stop me from being curious.

166: Do you like to wear makeup? >> Yes.

167: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? >> No.

168: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? >> Sure.

[oathkeptroxas]

Hi girl! Have you received acephobic hate,or is it "just" shit happening on Tumblr in general? 😒

Hey!

I haven’t received any on tumblr directly. I tend to be cautious with who I follow, and tend to unfollow people who post things that are upsetting and hateful. Up until this point I’ve managed to avoid online drama, because in general I simply reblog a couple of informative or positive ace posts and that’s it.

I’m not out in real life. So no one knows that I identify as ace (or bi, but that’s a newer thing for me that i’m still figuring out), even so people who have known me personally have noticed my lack of interest in pursuring people and my lack of participation in sex-centric conversations.

I was at the pub with a group of friends once and my friend Charlotte was talking about how difficult it has been for her to find a girlfriend and asked if I knew anyone I could set her up with, she’s a really fun, confident and forward person who’s comfortable with herself and she made a quip about wondering if she’d ever lose her virginity, which then spiralled into a sex topic within our group. And my cousin had recently come out as gay and was becoming a lot more comfortable sharing his sexual experiences within the group so the conversation was something that everyone was engaged in and it was really animated and positive, one of the straight girls in the group had previously tried anal so her and my cousin and another gay male friend were jokingly “swapping notes”, just being drunk friends mostly and joking around.

I listened intently but I didn’t want to participate personally because it’s not something that I’m comfortable with. I’m sex-indifferent. So i am not averse to sex and have had sexual encounters in the past. But sometimes it just gets a little too much and makes me uncomfortable and i’m not open to sharing my personal life like that.

So when they noticed my lack of participation Charlotte asked if I was okay and like….before I could respond my cousin just jumped in “Jodie doesn’t need sex like the rest of us.” And then pretty much continued speaking like I wasn’t even there and said it in such a way that it made me feel fucking worthless, like I was defective and less than they were and I wasn’t worth participating in their conversations. It literally ruined my mood for the whole night. And he didn’t even know I identify as ace.

My sister is nasty. She was a bully in school, she’s a proud self-proclaimed “bitch” and she fights dirty. She says things she KNOWS will hurt you, just to get a reaction. The word fat was literally banned from our house when we were kids because she’d call me it so often. Despite the fact I’m one size above national British average and me and my sister now SHARE clothes. She used that against me because she knew it fucked me up. To be honest, most of my self harm and self hatred probably stems from that, nothing triggers me like the word fat does.

And once she was bragging about how much sex she’s had and how her tampon fell out ‘cause she’s so lose? And 1) she’s my little sister I do not wanna know. 2) the vagina is a muscle that contracts back after childbirth, self-lubricates and loosens when aroused, and tampons come in different sizes and women have different set vaginas? Sex has very very little to do with it.

So, anyway, i just suggested that maybe the wrong size tampon had been brought (she came on abruptly in public and ran to a store toilet whilst my mum bought her tampons - and my mum has poor eyesight and can’t read without glasses and its very likely she picked up the first she could find without trying to read the box).

Anyway, after making that suggestion my sister got like? Irrationally pissed? As if I was like? Calling her a liar or whatever? And started screaming about how “JUST BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS YOU! YOU’LL UNDERSTAND ONE DAY IF SOMEONE ACTUALLY WANTS YOU” and basically implied/assumed that my seeming lack of relationship/seeking out sexual encounters was because people didnt want me and i’m fat and undesirable, basically. My sister regularly makes fun of people who are celibate. We watch shows where people have abstained for personal or religious or political reasons and my sister scoffs and belittles and acts like these people are lesser. There’s no way I can tell her I’m ace.

Everytime I go to a house party people want to play Never Have I Ever, which literally makes me so uncomfortable I can’t breathe. And they all try to pressure me into it anyway and I often end up drinking alone in another room so they can play. Luckily, over the last year my friend Jack (who usually hosts the parties) has been dating this great guy James. And James doesn’t like the game either, he’s just a bit more private than the others and doesn’t know Jack’s friends well enough for them to know those things about him, and he thinks the game’s a little tacky. So me and him just go for a smoke and gossip while they play.

But i feel like i’m suffocating under this all the time. Looking for “plausible”/socially acceptable reasons for not wanting/thinking the way my friends do.

I can’t pursue the guy I like who’s interested in me because I overheard him drunkenly telling his friend how he hasn’t had sex in 3 years and I’ve been panicking ever since because I don’t know if that’s something I can give him and I fear I’m not desirable without it - or worse case scenario, he tries to force himself on me to “prove” that I just “haven’t met the right person/had the right experience yet”.

I just feel like I’m choking on this thing all the time because I know if I told anyone they’d never take my word for it, they’d assume something happened to “make me this way”. They’d say I was a “late bloomer”. And my homophobic parents and possibly some of my friends wouldn’t believe I’m ace but would think i’m just gay and in denial. And i know a lot of gay people have previously identified as ace because they were dealing with internalized homophobia and maybe it was easier to accept they felt no attraction than it was to realize they felt the “wrong” kind by society’s standards. But that’s not the fault of ace people. It’s the fault of a toxic society that hates everything that isn’t the cis straight white default that it has the rest of us turning on each other. It’s also common for gay people to initially identify as bi because they’re dealing with internalized homophobia and think bi is easier because they can retain the illusion that they still also feel the “right” kind of attraction. But bisexuals arent to blame for that anymore than ace/aros are.

And i hate that people say they support aces as long as theyre not cishet and it’s like???? I’m bi so i’m not het but what those people are basically saying is “i accept part of your identity”……that’s not supporting me. That’s just gonna fuck up my mental/emtional state even further. And if someone is aro/ace its literally impossible for them to be het? If they experience no romantic or sexual attraction then they feel none of those things for the “opposite” sex, and cannot be het. So calling them that is insulting and invalidating their identity.

And i don’t understand the whole “we accept and welcome actual cis and straight identifying allies who wish to support our cause but aces can choke”? I get that allies are important because closeted lgbt youth can attend events under the guise of “ally” BUT ally and closeted are not synonymous, because if they became so it wouldnt be a cover at all.

[accountabilityformargaretj-blog]

Testimony #1: “As long as Margaret Jacobson and their fiancé Noah is in a space, I do not feel safe.”

TW: for r*pe, sexual assault, non-consent

For more than a year, I’ve been quietly telling my local friends and chosen family about a person I do not feel safe around in our community since I found out some very disturbing and disconcerting information about them. I haven’t wanted to do a callout post because this person has A LOT of social capital, a lot of mutual friends and I didn’t want to start any trouble. But last week, after I had warned another friend about this unsafe person’s previous behaviour, this person sent me a text message that left me feeling like I was being intimidated. They told me I didn’t have my facts straight, that I was perpetuating gossip. But what was more troubling to me was that they gaslit me and called into question my own trauma that I’ve experienced at the hands of them and their partner. They made me feel invalidated. They made me feel crazy. They made me feel like I needed to keep my mouth shut.

I’ve been steering as clear as I can from this person for the last year, which has been extremely difficult—not just because they are literally *everywhere* but because we have a lot of mutual friends. But getting this text from them (after I’ve told them that I don’t want them to contact me) felt like a violation, and it’s in been on my spirit for the last few days to speak the truth of my experience.

The person that I do not feel safe around is Margaret Jacobsen and their fiance Noah.

Here is what I know:

I know that Noah (Margaret’s fiance) raped someone within the last couple years (I honestly don’t have an accurate date because I’ve heard multiple stories) and not a lot of people know this, despite Margaret insisting that they have been disclosing this to people. Margaret wasn’t even the one who told me about Noah raping someone. I found out through another person in the community who was told directly by Margaret and was very shaken up by it. After hearing this, I was deeply disturbed because I had shared intimate spaces with both Noah and Margaret recently. They had both seen me naked numerous times and I had even shared a bed with them at one point, so I felt extremely violated. I am also a sexual abuse survivor so I was very angry that I found this out this way and not from Margaret directly.

A couple days later, I confronted Margaret with what I knew at the time (they told me they had been meaning to reach out to me about this) and I told them that because of this I didn’t want to have anything to do with either of them because I did not feel safe around them. At the time of this conversation, Margaret had told me they were taking some space away from Noah for their own safety. A few days after this exchange, I saw both Margaret and Noah together at an event I was at and had the first panic attack I’ve had in years.

I found out a little later that Noah was/is going through an accountability process (which I admit that I know nothing about) but I do know that shortly after it was found out about Noah raping someone, he was still invited by Margaret into safe spaces amongst women and femmes, many of whom did not (and still do not) know his status. Noah is also still doing social justice work and organizing in the city without Margaret disclosing his past publicly.

Recently, I heard from a trusted source that Margaret was kicked out of a private callout Facebook community of sexual assault survivors this year after Margaret violated a major confidentiality rule by sharing information about the callout with Max Steele, the well-known rapist who was named. Margaret sharing this information undoubtedly harmed and put many other survivors at risk. Shortly after Margaret was kicked out, Margaret went on a podcast with Max critiquing callout culture. I know that Margaret is also a survivor, but they have upheld and protected a well-known rapist, which makes me feel like they cannot be trusted.

Other ways that I’ve been made uncomfortable by Margaret:

- Being sent explicit photos by Margaret of sexual acts they were engaged in with their partners without my consent

- Being sent explicit photos by Margaret of group sex they were participating in without my consent (or the consent of the parties involved in the group sex)

- Being given unsolicited information about private sexual experiences they’ve had with another friend that I’m certain this friend did not want to be disclosed

Margaret Jacobson has a lot of social capital and currency in our community which makes calling out their problematic behaviour tricky and terrifying for me. It also makes navigating the close-knit POC community here very challenging because I do not feel safe around Margaret or Noah, and since I’ve been blocked by Margaret on Facebook I have no way of knowing if one or both of them will be at an event that I am planning on going to, which causes me a lot of anxiety.

As long as Margaret Jacobson and their fiance Noah is in a space, I do not feel safe.

Margaret Jacobsen has a responsibility to the safety of their friends and community that they have been disregarding to the detriment of everyone around them. Margaret has contributed a lot to our communities and is a survivor themselves. I understand that Margaret has their own healing to do. Unfortunately, survivors too can perpetuate harm and abusive behaviour, and Margaret has done so for the last year. Just because someone is a victim doesn’t mean they’re exempt from critique and the consequences of their actions. Nobody deserves a pass on putting people at risk, including Margaret. This isn’t about Margaret, this is about unacceptable behaviour.

I am sharing all of this because I want to keep my own community safe. I’m sharing this because I don’t think most of you know all of this information because Margaret is not disclosing or being transparent with all of you. I’m sharing all of this so that you know that if you are a friend of Margaret Jacobson and you are not holding them accountable, you are being complicit in their problematic, unsafe behaviour.

Here’s what I need from you:

- I need your support and protection as I continue to navigate our very small POC community here in Portland as Margaret continues to organize and take up space (this can look like letting me know if/when Margaret will be at an event that I am RSVP’d to or interested in).

- If you are associated (or will continue to be associated after reading this) with Margaret and Noah in any way (professionally, personally)—no hard feelings. I just need to know so I can mute you on Facebook because seeing their faces and names is very triggering for me right now.

- I need you to believe me. I have been dealing with this in isolation and some of the folks I’ve told have made me feel dismissed. (And if you don’t believe me, that’s fine. Just please unfollow me.)

- If social justice and accountability processes are your thing, I need you to step up to the plate and make this happen with Margaret and Noah sooner rather than later.

As for the accountability process with Margaret, I don’t know what that is going to look like because I am not well-versed in this. But because of my current feelings about them and their fiance, I feel nervous about being a part of that process. I am however in full support of some kind of accountability process happening and I hope that with this testimony, it’ll help put some motion in action for proper healing. In time, I would be willing to join in the efforts in the accountability process with Margaret, but right now this feels too raw for me.

I do feel like I need to say this: I don’t think Margaret is a bad person, sincerely. I have no ill will toward Margaret and this is not meant to be an attack on them. I just want their problematic behaviour to be addressed and critiqued and for my friends and chosen family to be safe. (I should also note that because I am blocked by them on Facebook, Margaret cannot see this post but I have no illusions that this might be shared with them anyway.)

I totally understand that this is A LOT and get that you might have a hard time processing all of this information, and I apologize for putting this on you today. Again, I’ve been living with this for the last year and had been managing OK, but with the recent contact I’ve received from Margaret, I’ve had a hard time feeling safe and functioning on a high level. This is me trying to put the pieces back together and find some kind of closure on an issue that has been chronically inflamed for me for the last year.

Thank you for listening.

[kyberled]

☀ ♦ ♥ ☢ ✖

the salty af munday meme

☀ What’s your rp pet peeve? –> Ship forcing. This is literally the best way to get me to unfollow or even block another mun. I’ll explain what ship-forcing is below, but yeah, that’s one of them.

♦ What was a mildly annoying thing that has happened to you rp wise? –> See above. It happened once on my Warren blog, and once very recently on here. Now, a bit of a definition, here - I don’t see ship-forcing as asking me if I want to ship, or saying your muse has a crush on Braig - heck, that can be flattering (though I prefer if we know each other, first - it can get a bit uncomfy for me, kind of like virtual catcalling, I guess, when complete strangers tell me how attractive they think Braig is). I don’t see it as someone’s muse having feelings for Braig, one-sided or otherwise. All of these things are A-Okay, and can be quite fun, too! What I do see ship forcing is when someone asks if they can ship with Braig, and instantly, as soon as I say ‘we can give it a try’, deciding that our muses are suddenly soulmates, even if they’ve hardly said four sentences to each other, before. I see it as asking to ship, then immediately dropping the thread where they were actually in the process of meeting each other to have them now in the middle of a date, which, given the context of where, when, and how said date was taking place would likely have gotten them both killed. I see it as pestering Braig to do something ‘romantic’, having both Braig and I say no, he doesn’t want to, and the other person keeps pushing, regardless, or getting upset when Braig decides to respond with something not romantic and replying to that with some rude, snarky comment. ‘Uh, I think [muse] wanted Braig to do [X], actually’ - Yes, that has happened, before. I’ve been vagueblogged about, spammed on and off anon, been told I’ve made peoples’ depression/anxiety worse, had on-blog events ruined and muses killed and simply been harassed at all hours of the day because of ship-forcing and my trying to deal with it gently and politely, instead of just flat-out saying ‘no’ or ‘I’m not comfortable with this’. So, if it ever seems like I’m coming down too hard on someone in regards to shipping, I swear I don’t mean to come off as abrasive or rude - I just learned the hard way that you’ve gotta be blunt about your comfort zones or else things go south faster than a flock of geese on an adrenaline high. Basically, to sum this novel up: As long as you respect my boundaries, we’re good; if I haven’t told you you’re skeeving me out, we’re good. If I have told you you are, and you keep doing whatever it was, we’re not so good. 

☢ What fads/trends are you so over? –> I don’t really keep up with trends enough to know lmao. I mean I guess I’ve seen a few, but they don’t really bother me. You do you, and all… Though, I guess I never entirely understood the whole ‘personified objects’ thing? I mean, you do you, and all, but it just never  made sense to me.

✖ How has Tumblr RP changed since you started? –> It hasn’t, not really. I think the only real changes have been purely aesthetic, like small text,  contained themes, etc. I really don’t care what other people do, as long as they’re happy and not hurting anyone.

♥ What’s the WORST thing that has happened to you rp wise?

[Under a cut for length]

Okay, so, I told two of my rp horror stories over on Xig, so I’ll tell my third one here. Since I gave the other two pseudonyms, we’ll call this one ‘Cheeper’. Cheeper was someone I had met when a mutual friend we’ll call Battery allegedly recommended my blog to them. Now, Battery was someone I had approximately zero problems with. Really friendly, sweet guy, talented writer, great sense of humour, one of my favourite people to write with. So, I figured, if Cheeper was a friend of Battery’s, they must be cool, too, right? … Wrong. So, things start out okay-ish, as they always do, but things get downhill pretty fast. Starts off with small things, like ignoring asks or dropping literally all of our threads without letting me know. And I understand wanting to drop threads or not being able to get to everything in your ask box, but when that happens consistently, it gets a little disheartening.

The next little thing was when they started making AUs of my muse, and expecting me to write them. Lemme say here that I am totally fine with people suggesting AUs for my muses. That’s where this blog came from, Rodi suggesting a Star Wars AU where another one of my muses was Obi’s padawan, so, again, I’m fine with AU prompts. What I’m not fine with is when someone writing a really detailed version of my muse without consulting me at all, and then expecting me to write that AU they made with no warning and no problems. Cheeper comes into my IMs listing this novel-length AU detailing not only how their muse changed, but how mine did, as well. Basically, the entire idea was that their muse, who in canon was a big tank-type character who had been straight-up abusive to multiple characters, and turned them into a small, fluffy little mage who was actually a good guy and hadn’t done any bad things, and was being forced to do the bad guys’ dirty work, whereas my muse… Was suddenly the abusive one. For absolutely no reason. In a way that not only completely contradicted all of my personal headcanons - all of which were posted and easily viewable on my blog - but also went against all of what canon had showed us about my muse, and quite frankly made me really uncomfortable. I mean, you’ve seen some of the stuff I’ve written, you know I’m down to write some pretty messed up stuff, but to straight up turn my muse into a child abuser, WITHOUT CONSULTING ME AT ALL, just so your muse can be the good guy? That doesn’t fly so well. On top of that, writing such a detailed version of my muse and expecting me to play it for you? Why not write it yourself? I mean like I said, I am thrilled with AU suggestions, but, hell, keep it to a sentence or two, tops. Let me experiment and develop my muse to fit the AU myself, thanks. … And, while these things were pretty irritating, especially when a few of them happened over and over again, it got worse.

A lot of the time, when I’m having OOC conversations to get to know another mun before we start writing together, I look for a sort of ‘spark’ or ‘click’ - something that shows this person and I are gonna get along. For a lot of people, including my favourite partners, this click is basically immediate - just this instant ‘wow, we’re gonna be good friends, this is great!’, and, for others, it takes a bit longer, and that’s totally okay! Some people take a while to open up, or maybe it wasn’t a good day for one of us, I totally get it, happens to me, too. How quickly the click happens has absolutely NO BEARING ON MY OPINION OF A PERSON WHATSOEVER. There have been I think only three or four times I haven’t clicked with someone - twice on Warren, once on Xig, and once here. If I message you first, send asks, tag you in things, like your posts, etc, we’ve clicked, don’t worry. Anyway, Cheeper was one of these rare occurrences where there was not only no click, there was the opposite of a click. At first I thought it was just ‘cause our first convo was a bit awkward - from what I remember, it was basically just ‘hi, My name is [Cheeper], I’m [Battery]’s friend and he recommended your blog so I thought I’d give you a follow’, you know, typical ‘hi, nice to meet you’ type thing, I didn’t think much of it. Unfortunately, that was the only pleasant conversation we had.

You see, Cheeper had the habit of starting conversations with some variation of ‘how are you?’. Doesn’t sound too bad, right? Well, in typical Canadian fashion, I always did my best to follow social protocol and be polite, and say ‘I’m good/fine/great, thanks, how are you?’, and, much like Han Solo, I learned that there are some situations you shouldn’t ask that question. Every time, without fail, Cheeper would say some variation of ‘bad’ or ‘horrible’, and proceed to dump literally all their life’s problems on me, and I mean all of them. I’m perfectly fine with letting my friends vent/rant to me as much as they need, and offering advice is a pass-time of mine. But, I had only known this person for- Less than a week, when this started (I hardly even knew their NAME I had to look it up on their blog), and they kept going on and on about some really personal shit, like hours of how they hated their job and school was stressful, and their family was aphobic and never used the right pronouns, literally everything about their personal life, no matter how private it was, just- Constant negativity, all the time. It was literally all they spoke about, ever. I don’t know anything else about them, just that their life was terrible and they decided to use me as some sort of verbal stress ball. Even if I tried to divert the conversation to a different topic, or just ignore them entirely, I’d still get floods of negativity and complaints. And what makes it even better? They had a frickin therapist! This person, who had a professional, trained therapist, would spend hours unloading all of their mental/emotional burdens on me, an untrained stranger who had only said ‘hi’ to them once. And, after they had dumped all their baggage on me, they’d say, ‘oh, gotta go, it’s time to go to my therapist’. And, honestly? That was the only time I felt safe to post on my blog. Yes, you read that right - it was the only time I felt safe to post on my own blog. I honestly could not make a post on my blog without Cheeper spamming my IMs with boatloads of stress-inducing negativity. And, call me selfish, call me insensitive, call me whatever you want, but, fuck, I had my own problems! I was in university, trying to get law school level grades, while working a part time job to try and help my family out when we were struggling financially, doing what I could to make sure there was enough food in the fridge for my younger brothers, trying to help my grandma take care of my grandpa, trying to keep up with my martial arts - which I have to do in order to keep my job - and trying to write multiple essays for both my younger brother and myself, as we were prepping for our black sash tests, but he was also trying to get into film school, so I’d volunteered to write the sash essays for him, and, let me tell you, I did not need to play counsellor to someone I didn’t even know on top of that. And, like I said, this happened constantly, and I’d get a new flood of messages every time I so much as hinted at being online.

And believe it or not, it got worse, Sakrine.

I remember there was one conversation we had (’conversation’ being used loosely, of course) towards the end of our interactions where Cheeper was complaining at me, as per usual, and mentioned how all of their friends were blocking them without saying why. Funnily enough, I was planning on blocking them soon, myself (probably should have done it a long time ago). But, lo and behold, right after saying how they were always getting blocked, Cheeper goes and says ‘but you’d never block me, so at least I have you. You’re my best friend, Jay’. And I’m sitting here really uncomfortable because, uh, no, we’re not best friends, and I have no idea what gave them that idea, since I never told them anything of the sort, and in fact barely spoke to to them at all, both because I didn’t much care for their company, and because I could hardly get a word in edgewise - and, even if I could, how does one respond to a total stranger badgering you for advice on how to deal with their family not handling their being out well? I’m not out to my family, and I don’t think I ever will be, so, again, how can I give that sort of advice to someone I don’t know?

About the time this was happening was when I met and was chatting with Rodi, who’s actually one of my best friends and the light of my life. Like I mentioned above, it was at her suggestion that I decided to make this li’l OC mess that we know and love here. He was originally gonna be a verse on my other blog, until I realised that I’d have tags for a Jedi verse, a padawan verse, a Sith verse, etc., and that was too many for one AU, so I made a sideblog. Then, after only a day of having that, and a bit of encouragement from both Rodi and Milla (my main Talon), I made this stand-alone blog for my son, and I was having a great time.

Cheeper, however, was not, and made sure I knew it.

Now, my muse for that blog had been steadily dying, mostly because of this, but also for a few other, more minor reasons, and I felt way more comfortable here, was having more fun, and generally just enjoying myself way more on this blog than the other, so, naturally, this is where I spent most of my time. Within a day or two of my neglecting Xig, Cheeper pops into the IMs to complain about me, to me. Yes, I am dead serious, this is an actual thing that happened. They start badgering me to go back to my other blog, and, I dunno if this has ever happened to you, but, it’s really disheartening. I explained to Cheeper that I felt more comfortable on this blog (though I didn’t tell them why I felt that way on Xig; Perhaps I should’ve), that I had more drafts and asks on this blog, and that I had more muse for this character at the moment, so I’d be spending my time over here, at least for a little bit. Their oh-so-eloquent response was, and this is a verbatim quote, ‘boo, you suck.’ And I had absolutely no idea how to respond to that, so I didn’t. I just sat there, staring, feeling an interesting concoction of shocked, annoyed, and offended. About a minute later, they added a ‘lol, just kidding’, and proceeded to… Continue… To complain about me, as well as about their life and still expected me to give them advice and solutions I didn’t have. I’ve never had someone act more entitled to my time and energy as this person did. 

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking - ‘they were probably just some kid, Jay, young people can be like that at times, you’re taking it too hard’, and, hey, I thought so, too. I was nineteen years old when this was happening; Cheeper was around 24 or 25. Yup, this person was about five or six years older than me, and a grown-ass adult the entire time. And like I said, they were constantly acting entitled to everything I did, like I owed them something. There was another time where I’d actually gotten a bit of muse for my other blog back, so I went on, answered a bunch of asks, slammed out some drafts, sent some memes, answered some IMs… It was a really productive evening for me. Once I was finished, I came back here and got a bit more done. Next morning rolls around, and Cheeper messages me with ‘I miss you, dude. You’re never on Xig, any more.’ I tell them that, actually I’d been on last night, for a few hours, at least. Their response? ‘Well, I wasn’t on.’, after which they kept complaining about how much they missed my muse and my writing. I get this was probably supposed to be flattering, but it really wasn’t? Especially considering that, while they were going on and on about how much they missed me and wanted to write with me, they were completely ignoring the THREE STARTERS I had written for them in the weeks leading up to this point. Hadn’t even given them a like, which I like to do to let someone know that, even if I’m slow as all Hell - which I tend to be - I have seen it, and it’s in my drafts. So, I mentioned this to Cheeper, said ‘you know, I have a couple starters for you on the other blog, why don’t you check those out?’ ‘Oh, I didn’t see them, I’ll give them a look.’ And then, blissfully, they stopped messaging. Little while later, a few days, I got another message from them (keep in mind I never contacted them or interacted with them first, since, rude as it may sound, I was kind of hoping they’d get the message), and once again they were whining about how I was never on Xig again, so I went to check the starters again, and… Still no notes. So I ask them about the starters, and they say ‘I couldn’t find them’. You know how I looked them up? [my blog’s url]/tagged/[cheeper’s url], and, bam. There they were. I told Cheeper this and even sent them the link to their tag. They said okay, that they’d check it out later, and started complaining about their life again. I was serious when I said this was the only thing they talked about, outside of basically harassing me to write with them. Few days later, they get on my case AGAIN for not being on Xig/not rping with them. I check the THREE FUCKING STARTERS again,  STILL NO NOTES. I ask, and ‘oh I just don’t have muse for them right now lol’. And I’m left sitting here like, okay, do you really want to write with me, or are you just mad I’m not dedicating all of my attention to you and your godawful AU muses? I mean, I have NOTHING against AU muses - that’s where this kiddo came from, after all - but AUS WHERE THEY PUSHED MY CHARACTER TO BE A FUCKING CHILD ABUSER WERE APPARENTLY ALL THEY HAD MUSE FOR. And my character was a moral fuckhead I admit but he WASN’T OVERTLY ABUSIVE THAT WAS ONE OF THE REASONS I WAS COOL PLAYING HIM AS THE ANTAGONIST HE WAS AND JUST. And as well, when I have no muse, it’s apparently a major fuckin’ disaster and they complain to the ends of the earth about it and go on and on about how I should still be writing that character and how much they miss me, but when THEY have no muse I have to accommodate it and make allowances and write with them anyway???? Like???

So anyway yeah they proceeded to ignore those starters for months, and every time I posted a new starter call,they’d like that, I’d post a starter, they’d completely ignore it, then come crying and complaining to me, berating me and all but sobbing about how much they missed me.

BUT IT GETS WORSE STILL, SAKRINE.

After a while, Cheeper starts asking me about Star Wars. And I’m torn between ‘fuck no, this is my new safe place, and I’m TRYING TO BE SAFE FROM YOU’ and ‘well maybe if they get into this series they’ll stop getting upset with me for not writing on a blog I have no muse for and am not comfortable on’. So they ask me what they need to watch to understand Star Wars. I tell them to watch the movies, since those are the unchanging canon, no matter what Disney did to the Legends material. Apparently they don’t even have the attention span for their favourite show, so they can’t watch the movies. They complain to me about that for a while, because apparently I care. I did not. I tell them that everything Star Wars - or at least, in the era I write in - revolves around those movies. I tell them they can just watch the PT (and explain what the different trilogies are) and that will get them caught up with where I write. Nope, can’t do that. So I tell them there are book versions of the movies they can read, instead, and there are also comics and stuff they can look into if that would be better.

Nope, don’t have the attention span for books.

Complain about that to me for a while, then ask what they absolutely HAVE to watch to understand. 

I tell them about the Clone Wars show, give them a link to the relevant KissCartoon page. They ask how long the show is - I tell them the number of seasons (mention that 6 is unfinished), and the average length of an episode.

Nope, don’t have the attention span for that, either.

They reiterate that they hardly have the attention span for their favourite show, and once again complain to me before asking me what the /HAVE TO WATCH/ to understand.

I tell them that they’re free to try interacting with my muse on their KH blogs, since I’m open to crossovers and still, for some ungodly reason, trying to be civil.

They keep asking about star wars.

I mention the video games.

Don’t have the attention span for video games.

So this person, who apparently can’t watch movies or TV shows, or read books or comics, or play video games, is asking me what source material they need to know to roleplay a Star Wars verse. 

I, as a last-ditch and mostly sarcastic effort, give them a link to Wookieepedia. I’m a terrible person, I know.

…

They don’t have the patience to look through the wiki pages.

I’m all but smashing my face against the keyboard now, while this person is COMPLAINING TO ME ABOUT HOW LONG STAR WARS IS. 

I mean I get it’s a lot but I tried to break it down?? And last I checked I’m not George Lucas like I’m sorry but it’s not my fault, my problem, or in my power to change? And I tell them it’s 40 years worth of worldbuilding and try to help them break it down again and they just KEEP FUCKING COMPLAINING.

And after like. Two hours of me trying to reason with them and help them out they say ‘I’m not even interested in star Wars, I just want to write with you’. 

And now, maybe I’m reading into it too much. Maybe I listen to too many narrated Let’s Not Meet videos too late at night. But holy shit, I have never felt like I had a legitimate stalker until that moment. It was one of the most uncomfortable things that has ever happened to me. I had zero idea how to respond, and so again I don’t think I did. Or, if I did, it was to again try to explain to them that there was a lot of material, and they should [leavemethefuckalone] focus on things they were interested in, especially if they didn’t think they could handle just the show. So they complain to me about that for a bit, before moving on to other topics to whine about. Always comes back to how I’m not writing with them any more (meanwhile, the countless starters I’ve written them are still being ignored, as are any and all threads we had on the go at the time. Everything’s either been ignored, abandoned, or both, all without letting me know.).I honestly don’t remember how that conversation ended. Just thinking about it makes me blank out and get a sort of mild pins-and-needles feeling. I mean, I get it was probably supposed to be flattering, and if we had been friends it might have been, but coming from this person? Alarm bells were ringing like a retro emergency evac PSE. 

AND IT GETS WORSE STILL, BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON I STILL PUT UP WITH THIS PERSON. 

So, enter me, just going back to uni for the spring/early summer semester. Our stage sets itself in my campus’ bookstore, at about noon or one o’clock in the afternoon. The line from the bookstore stretches from the counter, at one end of the store, wraps around the perimeter of that very large, very spacious room that was at one point a lecture hall, goes through the hall to the next room which also used to be a massive classroom, wraps around that and goes out the back door. I had to get up for an 8:30 that was across the field that day. I had non-stop class until this point, I had had no breakfast (though I think I had a sip of orange juice to keep from conking out), I had been waiting in line for close to an hour, my arms were full of heavy textbooks I dreaded having to pay for, and I only had one hand free for typing, and there was a chance I’d be late to my next class if this line didn’t get moving. As you can imagine, I wasn’t much in the mood for talking (though I think I made the effort for Rodi and Maddie (my best friend from public school who I still talk to) since I enjoy talking to them and it made me feel a bit better). Anyway, I’m in line, tired, irate, and scrolling through tumblr, and Cheeper messages me with a ‘hey’. Oh fuck, I think, this isn’t good. I greet them anyway - just a ‘hi’. I’m only giving one word answers at this point, since I’m not in a chatty mood, and, as I mentioned, I’m typing with just my thumb and that fucking sucks and takes forever, and I’m also trying to keep my place in line. Cheeper starts asking me about school, and I’m very confused, because never once in the months I’d known them had they ever taken an interest in me or my life. ‘so you’re in university right’ they ask. I remember most of this conversation word for word, and you’ll see why. ‘yeah’, I reply. ‘What year?’ they ask; ‘Second \o/’ I say, adding an emoji b/c I love that one. ‘Cool, what’s your major?’ they ask, and I’m getting hopeful that maybe they’ve turned a new leaf and my patience with them has been rewarded. So I tell them ‘Classics \O/’ with a slightly more excited emoji, and they tell me that’s cool, mention their major is in foreign languages - I think Chinese? Maybe Spanish? This is the one message I can never remember in its entirety, because the next one almost knocked me over. I replied with ‘cool’, and a half second later, Cheeper asks, 

“Are you out to your family yet?”

This complete fucking stranger, this grown-ass adult I barely knew, straight up asked me if I was out to my family, yet. I have never been asked that question before or since. I am out only to people on tumblr, and a small group of my most trusted friends from high school. And this person had the fucking audacity to ask me right out if I was. 

I was shocked.

I will not lie to you, I almost dropped my phone. I think I stopped breathing for a second, and I nearly lost my place in line. I was torn between just being frozen and being fucking livid. After a moment when I didn’t respond, they added, ‘Can I ask that?’ And I swear those two messages are tattooed into my mind.

“Are you out to your family yet?”

Holy fuck.

So I manage to collect myself enough to type out ‘no, I’m not’. 

‘Damn,’ they say. ‘Because my mom keeps messing up my pronouns and I wanted to know if you have any advice.’ 

Because why the fuck else would they care about me, right?

And then they proceeded to complain about their life and their aphobic family to me AGAIN, for HOURS, but at that point I’d been ignoring their messages and was instead talking to Maddie for advice on how to handle the situation. I had no idea what to do. I was lost. Like. I wanted to block them so bad but they’d been subtly guilt-tripping me about it for so long (’you’d never block me, you’re my best friend’ was just the start of that, tbh) that I felt bad for it? And Maddie was just like ‘jay no that’s fucked up get rid of them’ and I did.

I have never once regretted it and holy fuck it feels amazing to get this shit off my chest.

And yeah, so.

That was one of my worst RP experiences.

Are you out to your family yet.

I’d sell them to Satan for half a stale corn chip I swear to Christ.