#anyway i had my sunday night anxiety attack so goodnight

[bunnywan]

daily pic of ewan that makes me want to blow him

[keketar]

Explaining my current state of existence. Plenty of TMI. This is more for me to vent than anything else, so sorry if it sounds like complaining...

Oh boy... The past couple of weeks have been... rough. I've hit a pretty extreme low with my mental health on many accounts. My meds are still completely sedating my anxiety, but my depression is way worse than usual. Pretty much the only time I have been feeling ok is when sleeping, and occasionally playing Hollow Knight. My sleep schedule is absolutely fucked. Most days I'm sleeping in between all my meetings at work during daylight, some nights I'll stay up all night working, other nights it's anywhere between 2 and 4 AM playing Hollow Knight.

I am really struggling to bring myself to work consistently during the actual work day. I have tried resetting my sleep schedule multiple times, with very little success. When I do work, it's pretty intensely on a new product that is supposed to be out on July 1st. I, and the other team working on it, seem rather behind so we're in real crunch mode. Last night I stayed up all night working and ducked out of work at 5:00pm today to just nap. Woke up at like midnight and now of course can't go back to sleep. It's just a fucking cycle of torture.

Not to mention my dreams. Thanks to my meds I remember my dreams almost every time I sleep and they are very intensely real-feeling. For better or worse. I have had many dreams now of very real feeling sleep paralysis. Often I'll be in the spot I fell asleep irl and in the dream I'll try to move or talk, but can't. And I am just stuck there until I wake up. Many dreams just completely distort my sense of reality and sometimes I'll find myself questioning if something that happened in recent history was in a dream or real life and it can be either given the circumstance. I try to ground myself after, particularly bad dreams. Sometimes that entails texting my partner to check if I'm awake or not. Because I can and have had text conversations in my dreams as well that just didn't happen in real life.

More recently I've been struggling with food. I've been stress eating like crazy, where in previous months I was trying to be good about eating healthy, followed by a couple periods of restriction. I stopped going to my nutritionist because I was too depressed to get out of bed the day of our last appointment. The thing that sucks the most about it is I am already at the highest weight that I've been at since the genesis of my eating disorder in 2011. So the body dysmorphia is really rampant as I continue to stress eat and put on weight.

One of the things that bothers me the most is my inability to mask how not well I am doing to friends and my partner. Normally I am pretty good at keeping my energy up during the weekend times I do get with people but last weekend I couldn't even manage that. I slept for like half the time my partner was over, and pretty much just played Hollow Knight for the other half, like that used to be my only dedicated time with people that I have every week and I squandered it. I had a session 0 of D&D on Sunday in which I made a new character which I'm actually pretty excited about. But we had a new player join who needed help. I was of course the first to finish my character, and I basically just slept on my friend's hammock the rest of the session while everyone else helped the newbie. And it felt like such a dick move, but also I didn't have the energy to be a positive influence.

That all said, I only skipped one therapy session, and since the depression has gotten worse my therapist and I have been meeting more frequently. We discussed talking to my doctor about maybe adding another medication. I have been really hesitant to come off of my current medication in any capacity because as much as I would like to not be depressed going back to weekly panic attacks would be wayyyyyy worse for me. Anyway, I am supposed to schedule that doctor appointment sometime this week.

Anyway, it's not all bad. There are bright spots. I am thinking about taking a couple days off in July once this project is complete. As I mentioned I'm really excited about my new D&D character, and despite it sometimes cutting into my productivity. I am absolutely in love with Hollow Knight. I can't remember the last time I've been as engaged with a video game. I'm thinking about talking to my boss about getting budget to rent a we-work space or something. I think the separation of home and work is really troubling for me, and the lack of routine leads me into this spiral. I will just continue to try my best at existing and getting better.

I don't really know how to end this rant... So, goodnight. I'm not going to sleep, but it's late so that feels appropriate.

[sunflowerkiwi93]

Now That We’re Done - HS

Part One: Here

Summary: A twenty year old dancer, Elizabeth Payne, is recovering from a traumatic past with the help of her older brother, Liam. The two of them have been yearning for peace for quite some time, and when a good friend comes to live with them for the summer they start their journey towards finding it.  Through ups, downs, relapses, and two albums- Liz fights through her own mind to get better.

Warnings: There are mentions of abuse, PTSD, and anxiety throughout every part.  Also- mature content. One of the guys doesn’t turn out to be so great- this story is not intended to give him this image.  This is all purely fiction.

Part Two

It was still the beginning of June.  Liam and I spent the days in the backyard swimming or laying out.  I had been feeling happier since our dinner date.  I still called and FaceTimed with Kens twice a week, who told me how much better I was doing, and eventually allowed me to have my phone during the days.  Liam helped me avoid things I didn’t want to see, he introduced me to post blocking and how to turn on notifications for people that I did want to see.

One Sunday night I stayed on the phone with Harry for two hours, just laid out on my bed staring at my ceiling talking about the summer we were going to have if he agreed to fly over.  It did not take much convincing, and he told me he would have a flight booked by the following night.

“If it was that easy I should’ve asked sooner!” I exclaimed, hearing him say that on the other line.

“Hey,” He protested, “Anything for you, sweetheart.”  I paused for a split second, then laughed.

“You’re gross,” I said to him.

“And you’re sounding great, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, love.”

“Bye, Harry.”

Turning my phone over to Liam for the night was still a relief.  I was not used to having total control over it for the day, although Liam told me he was willing to take it whenever I needed him to.  I told him about Harry and he cheered happily and hugged me, even though I do know they talk to one another still.  I said goodnight to Liam and made my way back to my room, crawling in the covers and sighing into the pillows.  July was coming soon, but Harry would be here just as fast.  The troublemaker who just so happened to turn into my peace.

-

I hated airports with everything in my being.  The last time I was in an airport was when I flew home from the states days after the night on tour, and I was a wreck.  Walking into one now some of those memories came back, but I was no longer disassociating as much so I took in the sight and tried to create a new memory.

Liam and I had our arms linked together as we were ushered by security into an area where we were able to sit by ourselves to wait for Harry.  There were definitely paparazzi and people sneaking pictures but I was too excited to even think about them.  I began to bounce my knee up and down, and Liam brought a hand over to hold it still.

“You’re fine,” He said to me.

“I know,” I whispered, “I’m just a little nervous. I don’t know why.”

“Well, he is linked to the greatest part of why you and I live our lives the way we do,” Liam put his arm around my shoulder and let me sink into him.  He was right.  Harry was the first person to jump into action without second guessing.  He took one look at me and dove himself in.

“Yeah,” I sighed, closing my eyes on his shoulder.

“Don’t go falling asleep now,” Liam said with a laugh.

“Just a quick little snooze!” I joked, not opening my eyes.  There were a few shouts outside the area we were in, a girl screaming, and then a few men dressed in black rounded the corner.  I sat up and stared at them.  Some of them turned and from the middle of them came Harry, dressed in black jeans and a dark purple button down.  His hair was short and styled back, he had sunglasses sitting on the edge of his nose and a bag slung over his shoulder.  He started towards me and I jumped up, running right into him jumping into his arms.  He held me so tight, pulling me close so my feet came off the ground.  Liam came up behind us going in to hug him, too.  The men in black behind Harry stayed where they were until Harry motioned them towards us.  He kept one arm around me tight.

“As much as I would love to do this here, we need to go,” He said quickly, his voice familiar and gravely.  Looking up at him, under the sunnies his eyes were still just as bright and his curls were still bouncing.

“You just got here!” I exclaimed, holding a hand on his chest trying to stop him from moving.  He kept his arm around me.

“I know, but I don’t think we should stay here now,” I glanced up at him and he and Liam were sharing a moment.  Harry put his hand to my head and held it to his chest, “Can you trust me?” He asked.

“Of course,” I answered fast, becoming more confused.  We were walking out of where we were waiting, Liam to my right and Harry to my left still holding me.  The men in black were close behind us.  Suddenly there was a roar of screaming and I swore I could feel my knee go weak.  I couldn’t see much around me, but I knew there was a crowd of people.  Cameras started to flash around us.

“Liz, you don’t listen, you hear me?” Liam said sternly, something he hasn’t said in a while, “You do not listen.”

We got closer to the people and I clung to the back of Harry’s shirt trying to keep walking in time with him and my brother.  We were nearly jogging.  I could barely hear from where I was against Harry’s chest, but I could hear the screams.

“Are they around us?” I nearly shouted, feeling a flutter in my chest.  I prayed this wasn’t a panic attack.

“Don’t worry about it, love.” Harry said to me, keeping us moving.

“Fuck’s sake,” I heard Liam mutter beside me.

“What, Li?!” I tried to turn to him.  I could feel our steps move sideways as if the crowd pushed us sideways.  Harry’s grip stayed where it was on my side.

“Liam,” Harry said calmly from above me, “We’re almost to the door.” He assured me.  I was about to try to come out of Harry's grasp, just so I could get a look around and see what was really happening, until a few deafening screams knocked me down.

They screamed his name.  My knees went completely weak with the idea of him in the same building as me let alone the same room.  They screamed it again.  My mind was beginning to go fuzzy.  My breathing going funny.  They screamed it again, and again.  I tripped over my feet and nearly fell to the floor.  Harry caught me from the side and lifted me into him, setting my feet on the floor.  We stopped walking.  The room was spinning.  The men in black came around us, pushing people away.  Liam grabbed my shoulders and spoke into my ear.

“Elizabeth you can keep going,” He said squeezing my shoulders, “You can do this,” I turned to look at Liam the best I could, “Don’t let him do this to you.” He said with anger behind it.

“He’s in here,” I barely spoke, “I can’t see him.”

“You’re not going to,” Liam told me as we tried to walk again.

“He’s going to hurt me,” I choked out.  Liam pulled a face like he was going to cry, then looked to Harry.

“We need to leave, now!” Liam said.  Harry picked me up, slinging my legs across his other arm and eventually we came straight out the door.  I was put down in the backseat beside Harry before he laid me on him and I closed my eyes.

-

Harry and I sat on my couch for the rest of that day and into the evening.  Elizabeth was laying in her bed, with the door to her room open, and she wasn’t speaking to either of us.  She called Kens when we got home and then when she was feeling up to talking.  Kens told me that it was important to keep an eye on her for the next few days, which she knew I did anyway.

I was in complete and utter disbelief that something like this had happened today.  On all days, he showed up to the same airport as we did.  Elizabeth was doing so well and now that Harry was here I was hoping this summer would be a huge step in her recovery.

I had caught a glimpse of his face.  He looked over directly at me and I knew he saw Harry, too.  His hair was buzzed short and he was now completely covered in tattoos.  He was keeping quiet in most headlines but releasing an album soon.  Hard to believe he even got the first one out.  

I wanted to push through that crowd and give him what he deserved, and what he did deserve was to be locked up.  The judge let him off and I’m pretty sure his team paid to get him out of it.  I’m just thankful we were able to get a restraining order which I’m sure was broken today but how would you avoid a situation like this.

“She’s still sleeping,” Harry came down the hall and sat back down beside me reaching for a glass on the table.

“Did you know he was going to be at that airport today?” I asked quietly, rubbing a hand on my forehead.  Harry took a sip of his water and shook his head.

“Not a clue, Liam,” He said, “I even looked into it.”

“You looked into it?” I asked.

“Yes, I tried to have people check where he was... but there was no way to be certain,” He sighed setting his glass back down, sinking into the cushions, “No way to be certain of when someone is going to travel.”  I nodded in agreement.

The fans always had some kind of idea when we would travel as a group.  They knew to figure out which place we would stay at, and which city we were in.  It was always very hard to stay discreet.  I glanced towards my phone and picked it up.  Clicking onto Twitter I went straight to his profile and there was nothing but promos for his album.

I searched up his name on the explore page and a few tweets popped up from today with pictures attached.  Many of him coming through the airport with a bag on his back, going the opposite direction we were but still a few feet away from us.  I found one of Harry and I but you could only see a bit of our heads over the security and I was relieved you couldn’t see Liz.  I scrolled further down and found a story from a page about him.  I opened it and quickly skimmed through the words.  It mentioned how we were at the airport as well and it included Liz’s name but nothing more on our situation.

I was about to close out of it until I read how as we left, he left the airport as well.  He didn’t go on a plane.  He came inside and then he left, about the same time as we were in the airport.  It was as if he was on our location instead of the other way around.  I leaned over towards Harry to show him what I was reading.

“There’s no way he could do that!” Harry exclaimed.  I shushed him quickly.

“He did a lot of things we never knew he would ever do,” I muttered, “I’m not saying that's what this is, just seems a bit strange.”

“He shows up to an airport and doesn’t get on a plane,” Harry scoffed, “What was his intention of going then?!” I had to shush him again.

“Just promise me, we don’t share this information.  We have to keep things as normal as we can,” I explained, “Before today she was doing incredible.  We were going out and she was happier, she even started dancing a bit.” A smile grew on Harry's face.

“She hasn’t danced at all since before we knew about them, right?” He asked knowing we both knew that answer.  I nodded and looked down towards my knees.  We sat in a comfortable silence for a minute or two.

“Thanks for coming here, Harry.” I said quietly looking towards him.

“You know I care a great deal about her,” He said back to me, “After that night I didn’t want to leave.  I had nightmares when I went to write and record my album and even on tour.”  I watched him scrunch his face and put his head into his hands.

“I don’t blame you.  You had to break him away from her, knock him down.”  I nearly whispered.

“Sign of the Times,” He said, raising his head, “It’s about her.” He whispered.  I kept my eyes on his face.  He rubbed his eyes and sighed.

“I don’t even know what happened between us to turn us into what we are now,” He said, “We weren’t as close... I dated her horrible friend who left her... and now she and I can’t go a day without speaking.”  I nodded him along with a few encouraging responses.

“You have played a huge part in her recovery,” I mentioned, “Without you I’m not sure she’d be where she is now.” He smiled softly.

“And to think at first I was worried about you,” I laughed.  Harry’s face twisted in confusion.

“What!” He burst into laughter, “Why me!”  I shrugged.

“You were feisty when we were younger!”  I grinned, “I figured you’d be the one enticing her.”

“I wouldn’t do something to her like that,” He paused, “Unless she asked me.” He smirked at me.

“Harry!” I gasped.

“You know I’m joking,” He swatted at my hands, “She’s always deserved respect.  Even if my heart got the best of me when she came to live with us,” He shook his head, “I knew how he would be towards her... I guess somehow... I was trying to stop that relationship from happening.”

Harry and I went on to talk about his album and then my music and then about the rest of our time together before we decided to go to bed.  We both checked on Elizabeth in her room before we headed off.  She was sound asleep between her sheets on her back with her hands over her head.  Harry and I said goodnight to one another and slipped into our rooms.

[delimeful]

the shapes in the silence (4)

warnings: guilt, panic, arguing, general tension

Chapter 4

One movie later, Virgil somehow found himself curled up on the couch between Roman and Patton, slipping in and out of sleep to the bright tunes of the Lion King.

He woke fully, briefly freaking out because everyone was big and why was he sleeping out here like this, as Roman turned the TV off and bid them goodnight. Logan must have left earlier, probably keeping to his typical strict curfew. He gave himself a moment to breathe deeply, and then lifted himself up into a stretch, hearing a few pops as he arched his back like a cat. Patton giggled softly from next to him.

“You tired, kiddo?” he asked, lifting a hand and running a thumb over the sloping horns by his ears. Virgil, still half-asleep, let out a soft coo not unlike a contented dove. Before he could be embarrassed, Patton cooed back, offering his hands again. 

“You wanna come sleep in my room for tonight?” he offered earnestly, and Virgil groaned internally. He couldn’t say no to that face, but in this form… he didn’t really have to. No reputation to uphold, other than his own pride. 

If it was any other side, he’d feel too guilty to take advantage when he wasn’t who they thought he was, but whenever Patton found him in the common area at an ungodly hour of the morning, he made the same offer. Always denied, obviously, but this was similar enough to be okay… right? 

Too tired to think on it any further, he crawled into Patton’s arms and struggled to keep his eyes open as they trekked down the hall to Patton’s room. 

Patton had clearly memorized the inside of his room, because he didn’t even turn on the lights before plopping down on the bed. It was ludicrously soft, and Virgil waited until Patton had pulled the covers over himself to burrow into a corner of the bed and curl up.

Now all he had to do was wait for Patton to- He looked up at the loud snore. Patton was already asleep. Deeply, going by his breathing. He shook his head, amused despite himself. 

Pulling himself up from the unfairly comfortable bed, he tried not to let Patton’s sleepiness affect him. He had to get back to his room. He’d been in this form for three days straight, and it was starting to make his head feel fuzzy. 

Hopping down from the bed on padded feet, he carefully made his way past any furniture, thankful that his night vision seemed to be intact. The door was cracked open, and he managed to slip through without Patton stirring. 

Everyone else was asleep, so he let himself break into a run as he bolted back towards his hall, his door, his room. He’d never spent so much consecutive time with the others before, generally choosing to leave when it became clear that his presence would only make things worse. The videos took some time, but he always made himself scarce afterwards so he could mull over everything that he did wrong in the privacy of his own room.

He nearly ran face first into the familiar black door, before feeling around with a paw and finding the cat-flap to push through. The familiarity of his room felt like stepping into a comfortable bath after the day he’d had, and before he knew it, his dragon form slipped away from him like sand through his fingers, leaving him sitting on the floor with his normal human legs. He sighed in relief, and then immediately realized that the cuff had vanished, no sign of it on his wrist. 

On one hand, that meant there was no chance the others could tie him to the dragon through it, which was good because not even his hoodie would be loose enough to effectively cover that bulky band. 

On the other, completely worse hand, this meant he wouldn’t be able to try and remove it until he turned into a dragon again. Oh god, what if the tracker led to the last place he was a dragon? He shook his head rapidly, trying to ride out the impending panic attack, and threw himself in bed. He was too exhausted for this. 

In what was definitely some hours but felt like no time at all, Virgil woke to the sound of banging on his door. He grimaced into his pillow, but the noise continued until he hauled himself out of bed and cracked open the door. “What.” 

“Hey kiddo,” Patton said, eyes red-rimmed, and Virgil instantly felt terrible. He didn’t let himself ease up, though, because Roman was right at Patton’s shoulder, glaring. “It’s Sunday, so I thought I would ask if you wanted to come down and eat breakfast with us?” 

The weekly breakfasts were always an affair, the one meal Patton scheduled so they would be able to make it, no excuses. Virgil often skipped anyways, since sitting next to the other two sides who probably didn’t want him there with his stomach roiling too badly to eat wasn’t his idea of a great time. Patton kept knocking to invite him, though, every Sunday. 

He sighed. Patton already seemed upset about something, and that meant he’d be too worried about what it was to go back to sleep anyways. “Yeah…,” he said raspily, and cleared his throat, “Yeah, I’ll be down after I get ready.” 

Patton smiled brightly at him, cheered, and nodded. “I’ll go get started!” 

Virgil watched him head back downstairs, before going to close his door, but- 

“Not so fast, Doctor Gloom.”

Virgil took a second too long to process the shoe blocking his door from closing, and dragged his gaze up to Roman. “What do you want, Princey.” He was too tired for the nickname game right now.

“Oh, don’t play coy with me. I know you were in the Imagination yesterday, using your loathsome creations to target me.” Roman shoved the door open further, gaze furious. “What did you do to him?” 

“What are you- who?” Virgil said, feeling a headache coming on. He’d known that Roman would confront him about the shades sooner or later, but he’d been hoping for later. It wasn’t like he manifested them on purpose, they just… happened whenever he went to the creative side’s realm. Downside of having your creative thoughts all be about who’s out to get you and how, he guessed. 

Roman growled impatiently.

“The dragon I was with when you sent your minions to attack me, Villain!”

His thoughts screeched to a halt. Roman was worried about him? Well, dragon him, but still- what the hell? He was literally a monster. “Dragon? I-” wait, no lying, “Why the hell would I care about something like that? I was in the Imagination for my own reasons. Try not to get too big a head.”

“Lies! I know you have tormented the dragon before, for he has shown most clearly that he is afraid of you,” Roman insisted, pushing further into Virgil’s space.

He leaned his full weight against the door to keep it steady, sneering face inches from Roman’s. “Maybe he’s just got better survival instincts than you.” 

“Then would you like to explain how he vanished overnight from Patton’s room, a clear beacon of safety?” Roman’s eyes glinted dangerously. “Why are you so desperately concealing your room if you have nothing to hide?” 

Nope. That was enough of that. They were not looking in his room. 

“I didn’t touch a scale on your new little pet’s head,” he spat, releasing the door and moving to avoid Roman’s surprised stumble forwards. “Maybe he left because he was sick of dealing with your idiocy.” 

Without giving Roman time to recover, he shoved the prince back out the door hard enough to make him land on his ass with a shout of protest. “If you think I’m such a liar, why don’t you go ask Deceit if I messed with your lizard. Just keep me out of it.”

He slammed his door shut behind him, letting it lock firmly, and then strode past Roman with hunched shoulders. He couldn’t believe he’d knocked him over like that. His pace increased, steps hurried as he near skidded down the stairs. Roman wouldn’t do anything in front of Patton, right? 

He couldn’t help but check over his shoulder for pursuit as he got into the common area, which was probably why he nearly collided with Logan head-on.

“Shit!” he yelped, grabbing Logan by the shoulders to steady them both and then just as promptly tearing his hands away as though he’d been burned. He wasn’t a dragon anymore, they didn’t want him touching them. “Sorry, sorry. Wasn’t watching.”

“No harm done,” Logan responded, but he was watching Virgil with slightly narrowed eyes. “Anxiety, are you-“

“Fine,” he cut the logical side off brusquely, stepping to the side to walk around him. “Not impeding Thomas, don’t worry. That’s my job.” 

Logan turned to follow his movement, mouth open to say something else, but he was already bolting for the kitchen, berating himself internally. Don’t worry, that’s my job, he mocked himself. A joke. Really, Virgil? 

“Hey kiddo, you alright?” 

He looked over to where Patton was standing, hands working a waffle iron effortlessly. A beat late, he nodded, taking deeper breaths. 

“Y- eah, I’m good.” He winced at his own voice crack. Subject change time. “Uh… how about you?” 

Patton jerked his head up, surprised. Shit. Bad subject change. He forgot he was terrible at interacting without his asshole barrier up. “Nevermind, you don’t have to-”

“It’s okay!” He turned the waffle iron over, setting a timer before turning back to Virgil. “I’m just missing a new friend.”

Uh oh. “...Friend?” 

Patton smiled. “I think you would like him! He disappeared during the night though, so you can’t meet him right now.” 

His smile became a little watery. Goddamn it. 

“Uh, well. It’s only been a little bit, right? I’m sure he’ll come back,” he soothed, uncertainly. 

Patton perked up slightly. “You think so?” 

“...Yeah, I do,” he responded honestly, keeping the worst of the sigh from his voice. “Need help setting out breakfast?” 

“Aw, sure kiddo!” 

When he walked out of the kitchen, a plate in each hand, Roman was already there, speaking in exaggerated whispers to Logan. He shot a scathing glare at Virgil, opening his mouth to say something stupid, and then closed it again sharply as Patton walked out behind him.

Virgil gave him a smug smirk, ignoring his elevated heart rate. Roman mouthed the word ‘cheater’ at him as Patton turned to set a plate down, and just for that, Virgil put one of the plates he was carrying in front of Roman with a saccharine smile. The prince stared at him with blatant suspicion as he carried his own plate to his spot. 

He proceeded to enjoy the show, watching as Roman inspected each piece of food, face pinched. Patton picked up on it, naturally, and asked if something was wrong. Roman was quick to assure him that his cooking was as wonderful as ever, and took a bite to prove it, face pale. 

Once enough time had passed that he could reasonably assume it wasn’t a fast acting poison, he glowered at Virgil and started eating in earnest, the conversation picking up again. Virgil picked at his food as they chattered, letting it all wash over him. 

Until the conversation turned to him.

“-is there anywhere you haven’t checked, Patton?” Logan was asking, a notebook in his lap.

“I can’t think of anywhere I haven’t already looked! On the fridge, under the bed, in the closet- and you know I don’t go in there lightly.”

“I can think of somewhere,” Roman growled, glaring at Virgil. He returned the look twofold. 

“Oh, you can think? Color me surprised,” he snarked back, and then Logan chimed in.

“Ah, that’s right. We searched our rooms, but not Anxiety’s.” 

Virgil couldn’t help but tense, and Patton hurried to intervene, “Well, we don’t want to invade his privacy, do we now?” 

Logan blinked. “Of course not. I was simply implying that we should ask Anxiety if he had seen anything strange that would indicate a small dragon’s passage or presence.”

He pretended to consider for a moment. “Nope,” he responded, popping the P, “can’t say that I have.” 

“Darn!” Patton said.

“Back to the drawing board, then.” Logan nodded, turning back to his notebook. 

For a moment, Virgil and Roman stared at him with equal amounts of incredulity. 

“What, you’re just gonna take his word for it?” Roman protested, a beat late. 

“... Yes? Why wouldn’t we?” The logical side looked up, a bit annoyed.

“Because he’s an untrustworthy scoundrel?” 

“Roman!” Patton scolded, frowning in a way that made Roman wilt.

“That is not the case, though I understand that you believe as much due to Anxiety’s many negative effects on Thomas.” Logan chimed in as well. 

“Ouch.” Virgil muttered under his breath. Still, it wasn’t like he was wrong. 

“Still, Roman, there’s no reason for Anxiety to lie to us. It’s not in his nature, and there are no logical reasons to draw a connection between the absence of the dragon and Anxiety, beyond your rather blatant dislike of him.” 

“And with that,” Virgil cut in, seeing his opportunity, “I’m leaving.” 

Patton reached out and Logan frowned for some reason, but he cut off their protests preemptively. “No, if all we’re going to do is talk about how much everyone doesn’t like me and what I do, I’ll just wait until Thomas summons us for the next video.” 

Shit. That came out too… emotions-y. He threw his hood up and sunk out before they could say anything else, but it wasn’t quick enough to miss the triumphant expression Roman wore. A flare of anger rose up in his chest and was just as quickly extinguished. He deserved as much after interrupting Logan and probably upsetting Patton by leaving so abruptly. This was why he didn’t go to the goddamn breakfasts. 

He thought about Patton’s eyes rubbed red around the edges, and the stomach-churning fear he’d felt after even the smallest confrontation with Roman. The way Logan detachedly stated that he was hurting Thomas, like it was a fact. He tried to take a breath, but his lungs felt as though they were being compressed, and his head was ringing. His vision spotted black for a moment, and when it cleared up, everything was huge around him.

Oddly enough, though he still felt bad, a lot of the physical symptoms he normally felt were… faded, almost diminished in this form. Overwhelmed by the other set of instincts that overlapped with his own. Strange.

Too busy wallowing in his own misery to overthink for once, he padded out of his own room and straight to Patton’s, curling up on one of the plush pillows to wait for the moral side to get back. 

At least like this, he could offer something positive to someone. 

[coloneledgeworthsleftstucky]

Hey, so, this isn’t about anything media related, so feel free to scroll past, I don’t know how to hide things under a read more? I just need to write to get the anxiety anger out and I want to feel like I’ve said it to people instead of just myself.

I usually go to my Dad’s every Sunday for dinner and sometimes I stay a few extra days to get family time and be with my gorgeous nephew. It’s awesome. But then.

I was staying at my Dad’s and my younger brother, who has always been a cauldron of anger and is getting worse, on this particular day was seething and making everyone uncomfortable, like normal. So I was ignoring him, like normal. But then I tried to get out past his chair and he pushed me into the oven on purpose. He knew he hurt me because I said ow, and on instinct, I jabbed my elbow into his neck as a defence. I thought that would be the end of it, we’d both hurt each other, and maybe, blah blah sibling jostling. Or something

But no. Something in his tiny pea brain went “person hurt me back? Person make me feel vulnerable?? How dare??” and he came over and kicked straight through the toilet door, where I was, with the new boots I’d bought him for Christmas, kicking the door onto my head and then shoulders while ranting about how if he’d punched me in the face and knocked me to the floor, that wouldn’t be fair would it because you’re not supposed to hit a woman even if she hits you?? I shouted that this was a straw man argument, because that’s not at all what happened?

Anyway. After this, my supposed best friend, who had seen everything, was all pleasant to him, cheerily saying that yes, she’d like a cup of tea from him please, business as usual, yes she liked her new book, and said absolutely nothing to me. I waited but nothing. So I said to her, “so I’m guessing you think I deserved that? You haven’t asked me if I’m OK?” Seeing as I was trembling and upset.

And she said “I’m done taking sides”.

And that’s the part I’m struggling with. She’s never been asked to take sides? And I don’t understand that at all. Taking sides? Asking someone if they’re OK is taking sides?? Surely being pleasant to the attacker and ignoring the attacked is taking sides, isn’t it? I’m genuinely asking here, I’m so confused. If it had been reversed, if that had happened to her, I would have shouted at my brother and made sure she was OK. She’s taking sides and silently saying I deserved it by not sticking up for me or even asking if I was OK, isn’t she? Like because I hit back, I deserved to get terrorised?

My brother, even though he’s younger, is bigger and stronger than me, and kicking the door down can only be to either scare or hurt me. He decided to do that. If he’d kicked a little harder, he would have kicked me straight in the head, but then, if you can say he controlled himself enough that he didn’t, he should have been able to control himself enough to not kick the door down at all. And then, oh because he didn’t seriously hurt me, he just wanted to scare me into showing who’s boss (he isn’t) that’s OK?? No.

To clarify, my brother has never laid a hand on her and this happening was out of the blue. He just wanted to be able to shove me into the oven and hurt me and have no consequences. He literally was angry that I hit him back. And yet. If I told him a partner of mine had done that, exactly the same, he would want to hurt them.

And my sweet six year old nephew was there and saw it all. My sweet six year old nephew who loves me very much and didn’t want me to go home and said if Uncle makes me uncomfortable, I should stay behind him and he’d tell him off. Who didn’t want to kiss Uncle goodnight that night because he’d made him uncomfortable and whose Dad wanted him to at least open the door and say goodnight, to keep the peace, because Uncle is...a monster who makes us all uncomfortable and unhappy. Even when I was back at my own home, I kept thinking he was going to kick the door down.

And now I don’t want to go to my Dad’s. I want to see my Dad, who at least shouted at my brother and hugged me very tightly but who is 70 to my brother’s 32. I want to see my lovely nephew, who should not have had to offer to protect his auntie, even though I love that he did. Love and hate. And I don’t want to see my supposed best friend who has said nothing to me all week and who will probably be pleasant to my brother. And I know that if I’m silent or not pleasant or courteous to those two, it will be my fault. I’ll be the one keeping it going instead of letting it go to keep the peace.

[hazyjellyfish]

4.0

hello world, it is 1:30 am on a sunday night (monday morning?) life feels a bit wonky lately. i've felt really good since saturday night but all day saturday i felt like a piece of shit because i was having an anxiety attack for 3 straight hours at work and when i get really anxious but can't go release it (meditate, or usually just cry), i have this bad habit of itching the back of my left hand until it's raw. i kind of developed it after my first breakup, because i had to see them face-to-face every day despite the whole event going down. anyways, i was fixated on doing that in between customers and couldn't do the other parts of my job that i usually get done quickly, and i apologized so many times to my coworker for my lack of productivity, because i knew it would make us run late. they simply said "it's okay" the first time, and i came back from my lunch break, sniffling, a little bit of mascara staining my eyes from "asleep" by the smiths, which, as you don't know, is my primary end-of-the-world song, which i reserve for days that i can't help but to allow mental illness to beat me to a pulp. when i was in this messy state, i apologized again, so sincerely that my voice was barely a whisper. i could literally feel the energy in the room soften, and everything felt a little warmer around me. reassurance ensued that i needed to hear so dearly, that the bustling business around me was the primary cause for our lack of progress which would end up with all of us getting out an hour later than scheduled. i don't want to bore you with my work, anonymous reader, but i simply cannot stop thinking about all of the kindness that this one specific person has shown to me over the past month of them being employed. do you ever just meet someone, and you don't want them to go away? because i know in the field of work i'm in, people come and go constantly, but i can't help but to cling onto them not following the others in that regard. i wish they knew how much they've helped me since we met, most of it indirectly; little jokes and banter and smoke breaks and late nights all add up into this big bundle of security that's dangerously balancing on a cliff. i know one day it will fall, and break open, and i will have to deal with all the emotions that this joy is covering up, but for right now, i could not be any more grateful for this new person to come into my life and join the small circle of people that can comfort me so gently. my post wasn't going to be about this at first, but typing as i go when my brain is silently screaming every second of the day leads to some funny things. on the topic of brains; can you see things, images, in your mind? because i can't. i've learned over the past 2 weeks that it's called aphantasia, and it really helped me in the sense that i've never had visualization meditations work for me because i... can't visualize. when i close my eyes, i see tv static, but it's all this weird, dull assortment of colors. i envy people who can visualize, especially as someone who wanted to get into visual art. it's impossible for me to focus on a full art piece when i can't even imagine my own concept.

well, lovely reader, thank you for reading. nobody read this, i know, (except i don't know. maybe one or two people. s/o if you're one or two people.) (wait) (that doesn't work)

goodnight tumblr diary,

-anon

[just-another-winchester]

My Supernatural Origin Story!

I know it’s getting close to the time where everyone goes to bed, so I wanna send you all goodnight messages in thanks.

I had no clue when I started watching Supernatural that I would meet so many wonderful people. I want to explain to you what happened, if you are interested, read on! If no, then that’s fine, there are thanks beneath the cut as well.

I will honestly be amazed if you guys don’t get bored reading this.

I am a strong advocate of sharing the love. And that is something I haven’t come in contact with a lot.

My family is not physically loving people, I am a person who enjoys physical love. And no, I do not mean sex, I mean hugs, cuddles, kisses. Stuff like that, and my family, they don’t do that, especially now that I am an adult, they think I shouldn’t need it.

I got my first job when I was 17. I was hired as a Crew Member at McDonalds. I worked from 11 am to 4 pm most days, the only day I always had off was Sunday.

I loved my job, I got along well with my co workers mostly, and the customers were generally not that bad. I was very new to the world since I had been home schooled most of my life, so I generally had a positive opinion of everything, even when I dealt with a rude or mean customer, I shrugged it off and thought, ‘oh well’

When winter came around I switched my hours to full time because I wasn’t willing to walk in the cold.I worked 6 am to 2 pm. I slowly became more and more exhausted, less willing to do things. Before I knew it winter was over, but I liked my paycheck, so I kept the hours.

The job and the people slowly began to weigh me down, I was always exhausted, and I didn’t want to do anything.

Finally, in March of 2016, my grandmother passed away while I was at work. I have never experienced a worse feeling than when my brother, who was working there as well at the time, came up to me and told me that my grandmother was gone.

My grandma was my rock, she was my happy place, when I went to her house, all was well with the world, I was allowed to be a child, I goofed off and had fun. It was grandma’s house, but it was home.

When she passed, that was when my world came crashing down. Anxiety and depression set it, something I had never dealt with before. I was always a cheerful kid, while my brother and cousins had a song that my grandma would sing to them, I had my own special song, You Are My Sunshine, because I was always happy.

After I lost her, that song was a bitter reminder of what I wasn’t anymore.

I finally ended up leaving the job on good terms after a panic attack. My GM had anxiety issues as well so she was very kind and understanding.

I began looking for a job after a few months, and it was a struggle to find one, no one was hiring, but I couldn’t go back to McDonalds. It was just too much stress, I needed to ease into something, not go back to what caused a lot of problems in the first place.

Finally, I came to a book bindary that had employed my older brother over the summer for the past three years as summer help for college kids.

I wasn’t in college, but I was hired on full time as a processor. Ya know the stickers, bar codes and such you see on library books? That’s what I did. Seems easy right? It was, for the most part.

The problem was speed. We had a quota, and for me, someone who needs to take her time otherwise I’ll screw up everything, that was problematic.

Is was here though, that I found friends. Good friends. I had my first ever girls night out with a couple of the women from this job.

This was the start of Supernatural for me.

I saw one of my coworkers wearing a shirt with the words Carry On My Wayward Son, and a sillhouette of Sam and Dean. I didn’t know about Kansas, but I had heard the song before, so I asked if that was the band.

Then, low and behold, the community gathered around! Okay, so it was only three people at the time. But it still counts!

They said it was a shirt for this show called Supernatural. I’ve always been interested in creepy sorts of stuff, so I asked what it was about.

After it was explained to me, I decided it sounded interesting. I was curious, and wanted to know more. 

I had been in the middle of watching Prison Break, and decided when I was finished with that, Supernatural was next on my list, because I was needing something to watch anyway.

A couple weeks later, I was fired. Unfairly by my opinion, and the opinion of all of my co workers.

They all found it unfair, my co worker Teresa, she trained me, she had told me for a fact that I was not the slowest person there, and the problem was, I was fired because they said I was just too slow.

I had been happy while at this job. But when I was fired, the depression set back in, I was sad, and discouraged.

Then I remembered Supernatural. I decided, I had plenty of free time, let’s check it out!!

I looked up a trailer for the first season, and... I loved it. I don’t remember my original thoughts or feelings exactly, I just thought it looked interesting. So I said Yes to the dress!

I found the first episode, and watched it, and before I knew it the seasons were flying by.

I’m a lot like Sam, but I’m more of a Dean girl, because there is nothing I love more than a big brother. Dean’s entire personality made me wanna cling to him.

I cried, I laughed, I got angry, I got happy. The show was my solace in a way, it made me happy, it made me forget the crap that was happening.

I had already been on a writing site, and as I was finishing the first season, I decided I wanted to roleplay. I created a character, that I, to this day, am very proud of. Her name was Hali.

Through this character I got out all my feelings, all my bad negative thoughts and emotions. I worked them through her, I became Hali when I was alone, I turned myself into her and used her to work my way through my struggles, through my hurt.

My first encounter with a member of the supernatural family was @blue-heaven-winchestergirl83. I roleplayed with her where my character was Hali, and hers was a nephilim named Kass, who was easily incredible.

I rped through the rest of my time watching, right up until the season 13 premiere, and I loved it. Carmine was and is my friend. She guided me through the beginning of my love of Supernatural.

There wasn’t too much love for the show there however. I wanted to read more! Especially, Dean smut. Cause I mean... come on, this guy.

And so, I searched on google for some links to fanfiction, it always led me to tumblr when I was interested in 5sos or 1d fics, but I had never been interested in tumblr, it was just... confusing to me. I didn’t understand it, and I am not fond of new things.

Finally, I read through all of @theinsandoutsofcastiel masterlist. OH MY GOD I loved it all, so I finally decided to start using it.

I had already created a tumblr previously, but hardly used it because I wasn’t much into what I had created it for.

I logged on, and we were in business.

I wrote a fic, that was honestly so many kinds of bad that I am probably going to end up taking it down and rewriting it. But with that, spawned something.

The first memorable encounter I had was with @impala-dreamer, I started following her cause I liked that she said Castiel was her patronous, I thought she was funny. Then I got through her masterlist and I decided she was also pretty damn cool.

I loved her and her work, so, one day I sent an ask, wondering if she would review one of my fics, and she did, and it gave me hope.

She helped me through a lot of things, she was patient with me, and kind to me. Even though I know I annoyed the crap out of her, because I annoy the crap out of myself.

With Beka, I learned a lot about tumblr, I became more comfortable with it. I joined a couple challenges, and that got me more likes and followers. She reblogged my fic, I believe it was about removing plastic from a turkey. 

I made a post, telling her about how grateful I was to her. And from that, came Amanda.

I don’t even remember how @amanda-teaches and I fully began talking, unsure which of us started it, but it doesn’t matter, cause Amanda, she’s my people. She is a constant ray of sunshine and I love her with all my tiny little heart.

She beta’s my fics, she helps me through them, she lets me rant at her about ideas, and she’s just so incredibly patient with me. She is still, and hopefully always will be, one of my closest friends.

@queen-of-deans-booty is another one I don’t fully remember meeting, I remember loving her so much, she was so sweet and I just loved her writing. I left her an anon ask, I was getting down on myself, and she was kind and patient with me, she told me it was safe to come off anon, and then, she allowed me to put her on my Dream Team, or forevers list.

She reblogged and commented on the first chapter of my series You’re Not Alone. I still read that on bad days, to remind me that I can still do good.

With that, came a flood of love. It spiked me to more followers, more likes, more reblogs. I was more noticed.

I don’t remember how I came to know @katymacsupernatural, but I will never deny it was one of the best things ever. Undeniable Heat was what I found of hers. I loved it, with all my heart, it was incredible and I immediately wanted in. Her story inspired me to write my imaginary world where Jensen and Jared are my honorary brothers, where Dani and Gen are my best friends, and where Misha is just a constant goof of a great friend.

I love writing it, even though Im not comfortable sharing it yet. Her inspiration to write it aided me a lot, she was so incredible, and then one night, she opened her inbox, and I pulled a full frontal attack.

I bombarded her with stupid little poems, goofy things and just me being a dork. I told her I was kidnapping the Winchesters, and for the next few weeks that was just our thing. It made me so happy. She was the first person I was comfortable not doing anon with, because she played along, and made me happy.

And thus struck up that friendship, which, wow... has done more for me than I can say. She and Amanda are what I call my butter pumpkins. And let me tell you, that it the highest honor.

Katy, you are constant and wonderful.

Since then, I have gained more than 200 followers, at this moment I have 243.

I was lucky enough to meet @becs-bunker, @sillesworldofwriting in a way through my fic called Just A Touch, which was a fic I wasn’t even proud of. I got such a roar of feedback from that fic, and it was at a time where I needed it most.

After that I met @thing-you-do-with-that-thing, and I love her to pieces because I see her and I see a strong, and brave person. She reminded me that you don’t have to take crap. She showed me how to stand up for someone, and for myself.

I don’t think I can say enough about the people who have helped me on this site. But to all of you who I have tagged, and will tag.

I’m sorry if I don’t have much to say about you, but you all mean more to me than I can say. Thank you for sharing the love, thank you for being there.

Thank you for helping me feel like family.

The #spnfamily, it’s one of the best things that’s happened to me. Through all the hate I have recieved today, I laugh at it, because I know I have all of you. So thank you.

@manawhaat @polina-93 @cassieraider @dizwinchester @babypieandwhiskey @nightlyinsomnious @cass-trash @ladywinchester1967

And anyone else I may have forgotten. I love you, your support is keeping me going everyday.

You will never know, how much it means.

[malaekimack]

August 6, 2017 •9:11pm 

 The river today was just perfect, lovely day. The weather is getting hotter and hotter, and I think this is the first time in 2017 I have actually jumped all the way into the water. (and the water is not warm at all) It flows down from the mountain and oh boy it's cold... Didn't sleep very good last night, I kept tossing and turning so I woke up a little bit uneasy. Then this morning around 10:0am Jared wakes me up to ask me if he can go on a drive... Which I thought was totally funny & bizarre because it's his car and he's an adult who doesn't need to ask me to do anything... but I guess that was sweet... 

I told him, “your 26 years old”                                                                       Jared, “27″                                                                                                               Me, “oh yeah, 27 years old, you don’t need to ask me to do anything silly.”

Then I decided to get up out of bed, and then started to have panic attacks because he drives insanely fast and thought he might get into an accident so I think i started to understand why he had asked me that this morning...So i texted him 

Anxiety is fun! NOT! Anyway... He comes home safe. And I decide I want a cookie since I just got them for us last night and literally only ate 1 cookie... They’re gone... All ate.. Poof! Like that. I walk into the living room and say “REALLY YOU ATE ALL THE COOKIES I HAD ONE GIMMY THE KEYS!” hahahahaha So I drive to the closest little Miny market we have by the house called “Levi’s Market” I get chocolate filled oreos and decide its HOT lets go to the river! And I decide to make some weird rock formation...

And its a lot harder than you think to balance rocks! Totally “zen” right? :)  I like them and hopefully they didn’t fall down. Anyway the river was relaxing and hot and then dropped off my baby sisters booster seat to my moms and ran a bunch of errands. Then came home and ate dinner. The menu: Yummy Chicken Chow Mien,Beef & Broccoli, and General Tso’s Chicken!

-& now I am at home relaxing listening to Pandora Radio while I decided to write the story behind the photos... It has been a long and beautiful, crazy, maybe even toxic Sunday... But that’s my story! Much left out but these were the highlights! 

Bed time comes soon, but until then gonna go relax.

     • 10:22pm

Came back to edit my entry because I was heating up more food and realized is General Tso’s Chicken, NOT TAO’S Chicken. Well you learn something new everyday! hehe. 

Well goodnight internet world.  Sweet Nightmares.