#anyway i get Things Happen when major life circumstances change

[askshivanulegacy]

/rant

At work, someone mentioned that they don't like their dog, and I said Wow, have you tried training it? Socialising it? (This is most people's pet problems.)

And he said, well it is completely trained, he's just used to outside dogs, but this dog is an inside dog since they've been living in a place with no yard. And his wife doesn't like the dog either because it will seek attention from her instead of going to lay in a corner all day.

Me, thinking all this is very, very strange - both of them not liking their own dog and also getting a dog in the first place if they were determined not to like it - suggested that maybe the kids could take care of it.

But the "problem" is evidently that the wife is at home alone, with the dog, most of the day, and never grew up with dogs, and just can't stand it.

I think this guy expected me to express some kind of sympathy, but, of course, I had none except for the dog.

And I just. If you get an animal, you make your bed and you LIE in it. "Not growing up" with dogs isn't an excuse to hate your pet and deny it attention. Grow up. This is a creature who is perfectly trained, sounds like a dream animal for anyone, thinks the world of you, and you just can't be bothered to even like it? Spend time with it???

This guy and his wife are losers. They need to get over themselves and figure out how to love their pet.

Heard from some other guy who failed to train his pet properly and was "scared for his kids."

These are a YOU problem, NOT an animal problem. Train your pet. Love your pet. It's not like it's hard; it's easy. If you're giving your pet a shit life or giving the pet up because you won't bother to put the time and energy into it, then you suck at life and shouldn't have gotten one in the first place.

[cocoatonedcurls]

simplified manifestation 101 :))

hii! i thought I would post a beginner's guide to manifestation, for people who are still new to the idea of it/want a thorough, contextualised explanation 🤗

manifestation is not something people necessarily struggle with, however, grasping concepts about it and misconceptions surrounding it can make it a little difficult for those who are just starting out.

if I could simplify manifesting down to a single sentence, it would be:

"If you can believe it, you can have it."

it's really as simple as that, manifesting is all about believing 😇

I don't know if anyone else had this experience, but when I was a kid, around 7-12, I used to manifest without even knowing what it was; I would just believe that I was going to achieve something that was , there was no uncertainty about it, and then, I would! 🤩

(I manifested a spot in a competition abroad when I was 10 🫣)

Over time, as my confidence in myself faded, this occurrence would happen far less frequently which goes to show that its all about your confidence and belief 💥

This is gonna sound like something straight out of mlp 😭 but you just need to believe in urself and the universe will conform to allow everything you want to be yours 🙈

some basic guidelines

* CIRCUMSTANCE DOESN'T MATTER

no, it doesn't matter if you're trying to get an ex back, or win the lottery, or convince your parents (who've been putting it off) to get a dog. manifesting is taking your life into your own hands and controlling it. your life is a movie and you're the director of it.

now, majority of people get into manifesting when they are curious about manifesting SPs, but coincidentally, it is also the concept that people struggle with the most because of the concern of free will or circumstances, but really neither of those two things matter.

* DON'T GET AFFECTED BY THE 3D

the 4D is the dimension that allows you to live the life that you would live while having what you are manifesting. as long as you are aware of what you're manifesting, just visualise yourself living in this reality and feel all the emotions and fulfilment you would while living in that ideal reality, this will allow you to reach the state of having, which I will get onto later in the post

the 3D is the dimension you experience physically, but it does not get to dictate what is yours and what will be yours; that is what the 4D does, it controls the 3D, and lucky for you, you control the 4D!

if you're manifesting an SP and you see that person posting with another person of interest, don't start sulking and feeling sorry for yourself thinking that its over for you, that's shooting yourself in the foot. what you do is you think "that's cool, but they're happier with me", that way you're not getting affected by the 3d and conveying your message to the 4D, which will relay it back to the 3D, and then your 3D will conform to it.

* "EVERYONE IS YOU PUSHED OUT" & LAW OF ASSUMPTION

you see this saying, Everyone is You Pushed Out, a lot in the manifesting community, and it might seem like an intimidating concept but its something that you experience in your day to day life anyways 😦

for example, you know when you've heard something about someone which changes your perception of them, and suddenly their persona suddenly conforms to your changed perception? that's the law of EIYPO in action!

the Law of Assumption is essentially the same concept but in a more general state, like your life as a whole, eg. manifesting a better grade or job or paycheck 💸

however, the way I see it, the results of manifesting are the results of other people's actions. for example, if you're manifesting a better grade, you yourself are the person that your manifestations are affecting, you'll retain information better and apply your knowledge properly in a test; if you're manifesting a job, your manifestations are affecting the person who had the position before to move, and the person who is hiring to be inclined to hire you; and the same concept applies to when manifesting an SP, your manifestations are affecting your SP to have more positively correlated feelings towards you.

so you can use these concepts to help you in your manifestations, particularly in the SP context: if you believe that they are attracted to you, it'll only be a matter of time before they will be.

* THE STATE OF HAVING, NOT DESIRING

considering this is arguably one of the most important aspects of manifesting. it is what brings manifestations to fruition

in simple terms, there are two objective states of being when manifesting:

The state of having

The state of wanting

The state of having is what you experience when you allow yourself to live in the 4D (the 4th dimension, where your goals are reality) and feel the fulfilment that you would feel while living the life you are manifesting. Affirmations like "I am paid incredibly well", "That job is mine", "They are attracted to me" will help you in achieving this mindset. This feeling is your biggest helper when it comes to applying the Law of Assumption/EIYPO in practice! It is you knowing you have what you want and allowing the universe to do the rest for you.

The state of wanting is when you are stuck feeling like you still crave what you are manifesting, not feeling like it is secured in your possession. This can leave you plateaued and doubts can slow down your manifesting. Affirmations like "I will be paid well", "That job will be mine", "They will be attracted to me" pose the question 'WHEN?'

Now don't take this as a, "If I doubt, my manifestation won't come true" because we all have doubts, even the greatest manifesters, but what is important is that your doubts do not stop your state of having being affected. As long as in the 4D you know it is yours, the 3D will conform to make it yours.

Here's a quote that helps me acheive the state of having

"You want it so badly because you already have it in the future"

simplified tutorial :)

many people have the question, "how?"

there isn't any set way, but honestly, the state of having is the essence of manifesting, if you can remain in the state of having, you can achieve your goal.

now that isn't to say that if you're not in that state, thinking about it 24/7, your goal wont manifest, but rather, if in the background of your mind, you have a feeling of knowing it is yours and not panicking about it, it will happen.

if someone asks, "hey, what's your job?" you'd reply with your current job, but in your mind you'd know that your dream job was what you actually worked as. this example highlights the difference between the 3D and the 4D and how not to let your 3D affect your state while still living in the 4D.

techniques like robotic affirmations, visualising and different manifestation methods (3,6,9 method, letter method, etc.) can help you reach the state of having and manifesting. there are so many different techniques you can find!

it really all comes down to how I described manifesting earlier, believing it is achieving it.

hopefully this was helpful for you whether you're completely new to manifesting or you just wanted some clarification and concepts :))

- li 🌘

[paper-mario-wiki]

"no art is good bc it's a misconfiguration of the natural world to suit man's vanity" Is an extremely misanthropic take on art. Is humanity not part of "the natural world"? Can one not make pigments from flowers or minerals? You say that the universe would never align so that a piece of art is made without human intervention, but the universe did align so that it could be made, you just assume humans aren't part of it. I understand that this is some faux-deep shit I'm on, but I love art and while I think good is kind of useless adjective when talking about art in general, to compare the concept of art to a tumor is a pretty bad faith take. Sorry if that was like, ironic or something and I just sent a rant into your inbox for nothing.

your faux-deep shit could never reach the faux-depths of my even shallower faux-deepness.

i think the main problem when establishing this argument in the first place was saying "all art is bad" because someone asked me if i liked any bad art, and i answered using "bad" as a shorthand for "not good". if i had known i'd be getting into this pedantic of an argument about it i definitely would have changed my wording, because things that are "not good" are not inherently "bad", which seems to be where the majority of the misunderstandings of my stance come from.

i'd ask you this: what could be considered "good" outside of something that affects humanity in some capacity? to be clear, you're absolutely right, humans ARE natural, humans ARE part of the world. but the idea of something being "good" didn't exist until humans came up with it.

100,000,000,000,000,000 light years away, two planets crash into each other, each with their own forms of biological life so different from earth's that we would find it difficult to even classify it as life if we were given the chance to observe it, but that doesn't matter because we would have never been given the opportunity to reach those planets anyway under any circumstances. is this a good thing? is it a bad thing? i don't think it's either, it's just something that happened.

because "good" and "bad" are code words used to reflect the societal values of the person using them, they cannot exist in a vacuum.

so if that's the case, and "good" and "bad" only exist to us, what does it mean to us?

well, something "good" is something with objective benefit or subjective enjoyment-- but subjective enjoyment of something can also contradict the nature of its objectivity. soup can be considered "good" because it sustains us and is therefore beneficial. soup can be considered to "taste good" because someone might enjoy the flavor. but "torture" can only be seen as "enjoyable", but it benefits nobody-- even if the person doing it enjoys it. that's just them subjectively enjoying it.

conversely, something can be objectively good but still subjectively unenjoyable, like having a soup that's healthy in a way you think tastes bad! you'd still benefit from it, even if you didn't enjoy the experience. but regardless of whether or not you enjoyed it, what has the greatest bearing on something being considered "good" is its objectivity, as it's something fewer people can debate.

now, all of that being considered, what can "art" do that is objectively good, without it serving some secondary purpose? something that is objectively good can be artistically created, like a children's hospital designed by a genius architect-- but its goodness in that case would be derived from its benefit, with the subjectivity of it being something that only enhances its good.

a piece of fabric, stretched across a wooden frame and painted using colorful oils, creates no benefit objectively, it exists solely in the world of subjectivity. how can something be "good" if the only thing it does is hold the potential (not the guarantee) for a person to look at it, and enjoy looking at it?

more importantly though, is that bad? it's not.

but it is superfluous.

^ please forgive me for typing all of this. im so sorry. it's just so easy to be pedantic. i promise im not a stick in the mud and i love art, i just also happen to be someone who is personally deeply concerned with rhetorically whittling communication down to the bare knob of its meaning (XRA style).

because it is something i find subjectively enjoyable.

[unikhroma]

the big acid theory post

(i am sorry for how long this is)

couple weeks ago someone on discord asked if i could dm them my gripes about acid theory, since they hadn't seen any criticisms of it. i was very surprised to hear that so of course i did what any normal deltarune fan would do and wrote an essay (aka complained for several paragraphs). posting for reference sake so i have all my thoughts in one place and never make a post about this topic again

----------

basically my criticisms for acid theory are on all tiers/interpretations of it as an life-changing event where he ends up disfigured. i don't think it makes much sense to happen for multiple reasons

for it to happen from a narrative perspective i don't really buy it. spamton's downfall is already tragic in that he lost his friends, his fame and fortune, and got evicted. in regards to the mansion, the eviction itself is the tragedy, in particular that it's implied that it wasn't only him that got evicted that day. a swatchling says that the mansion used to be for high-class citizens. the rooms that were once for these citizens are now for lightners, so it wasn't just that he had no money, he was gonna get kicked out anyway.

i mention this cause a common interp of acid theory is that the mansion staff threw him in as punishment, and i think there's little evidence for that given the circumstances. a while ago i went on this whole spiel about how mischaracterizing queen and/or swatch to try and support the theory makes it weaker to me but that's additional stuff

and about the acid as a threat, it's hard to take it seriously when the majority of mentions of it are for gags or game design-related. for example, the gold berdly statue being dropped into the acid slowly dips in because if it just sank instantly, you could very easily miss it. the swatchling being stranded on the island is a goof with anticipating a battle the moment you set the bridge out for them.

for spamton falling into the acid as an explanation for whatever caused him to be a physical puppet (this is going off of taking the addisons' word that he was an addison too), it doesn't really line up. it doesn't make a lot of sense from a lore standpoint; there's no evidence to suggest that the addisons look like puppets underneath. i mean it's an interesting hc, but to assume it's canon that that's why spamton looks like a puppet now is kinda just filling in blanks.

that one q&a answer where spamton talks about there being some kind of "spamton method" he used every day and became "big" to me implies that it was some kind of slow transformation into a puppet. it's not much to go off of, but it's a lot more compelling than taking a tumble in acid. there's more mystery there and might even explain why spamton showed up to the mansion less over time

i think at this point it's clear that at some point he did get pushed in by someone, as stated in the spa attire from the sweepstakes and one of his valentine's cards, but to me it seems like it was an example of him being mistreated by the other rich residents in the mansion. before he talks about getting pushed in a pool, he mentions that he's gotten swirlies at the mansion, and to me it seems like he's still really bothered by his treatment there which is why he mopes about it.

queen mentioning that the acid can shrink people is also played for jokes, even susie in the ch3 video saying that they'll die if they drink the acid is played for jokes (also i think it would probably hurt them cause they're lightners and not cyber darkners)

anyway, if acid theory ends up being directly confirmed without any cryptic wording and all that i would still dislike it. i just don't think it fits with spamton or ch2's themes and it's randomly dark in a way that's not appealing to me. i like psychological horror more and the puppetfication thing already fits that. i know it's definitely appealing to others and i don't think people are bad for liking it per se, but it's not my kinda thing at all nor do i think it's canon, so i personally want nothing to do with it

[ssnowflowers]

Not enough people talk about Pre-LimLife Mean Gills. And I think that’s a crime because it’s integral to their relationship growth and narrative arc (in the Life Series). Spoilers for the Entire Life Series below the cut.

Basically, their first meeting is Scott just trying to enchant his things, which is positive. And from here it’s just small, little interactions of mischief and kindness, nothing substantial. That is until Martyn and Ren demand that the Flower Husbands fall in line with their kingdom, and Jimmy burns the banner.

From here on it’s a (one-sided) relationship of animosity, with them consistently fighting and Scott even implying that someone needs to take out Martyn. This only escalates in the war between the two main factions.

And then Dogwarts kills Jimmy and Cleo.

This marks a major change. Scott is immediately joined with the Pizza Alliance solidly, switching goals. In his conversation with Cleo, Scott implies that everything will die down and he’ll just settle down in the Flower Forest. Now, Scott seeks the destruction of Dogwarts at all costs. This leads to the only low performance Scott ever gets in the life series.

He even runs off with Joel to do so, who is probably his #1 enemy in the entire Life Series. That just goes to show how much Scott wants Martyn and Ren dead. Their final fight is chaos, with Martyn and Ren killing Scott twice. During their last conversation, we see something interesting. Martyn is trying to extend a hand.

“Hey, I never wanted Jimmy to die!” “I’m sorry my Hand, but we must kill him.”

Ren is the one to deliver the final blows to Scott. Martyn is only indirectly responsible. And it shows that despite all the fighting, Martyn still holds his early time with the Flower Husbands in high regard. Martyn is still trying with Scott. Scott wants nothing to do with Martyn, which is understandable. His faction killed Jimmy and Martyn is the direct killer of Cleo.

Last Life picks up and immediately the Southerners and Scottage have a rivalry, placing Martyn and Scott as opposites again. Now, it seems like this will be a very nothing season for them. That is, until episode 8.

In this episode, Scott heads off with Martyn as Boogeyman. Many will presume this is heading in the direction of a cold and calculated kill. What happens instead, is that Scott tells Martyn that he is Boogeyman. Here, circumstances are different and Scott feels he can finally let go of everything that happened.

Martyn, who never held any hate for Scott, tries to actively aid him in getting a kill. This makes no sense from any perspective. He has no loyalty to Scott and an End Crystal could even kill him. And yet, he does it anyway. He wants to believe that Scott has finally come to trust him.

And then the finale happens and Scott kills Martyn. Twice.

In a way that mirrors what happens to Scott in Third Life, despite Scotts reservations he is forced to fight Martyn. Killing him on top of Magical Mountain and severing their tenuous bond. This time, Martyn is the one who feels the hurt. He ends up going reclusive until the battle royal, where he avoids fighting Scott until the man has him cornered in a forest and kills him.

At this point, Martyn and Scott have established themselves as fated rivals, despite how much neither wants this. And now the distrust is mutual.

Double Life brings about Divorce Quartet and it’s not pretty. Cleo is quick to forgive Martyn. Scott is not and holds resentment for the bleeding heart until the latter half of the season. Meanwhile, Martyn is resentful of the relationship Scott has with his soulmate. Once again, fate has placed them as rivals.

However, the gap is very quickly bridged in the finale episodes when Divorce Quartet end up as the final yellows. And Scott is finally able to acknowledge that Martyn isn’t so bad. Finally, Scott shares the same mind Martyn always held for him.

And then Martyn betrays him.

Martyn tries to kill him for the sake of his and Cleo winning. That has always been Martyn’s goal and Scott now stands as an obstacle. Scott is quick to message Pearl of how “they betrayed me”. As if Cleo had done anything. Rather, Martyn had betrayed Scott and now he’s hurting because of it. Because he thought he could finally trust Martyn.

And then Pearl kills Cleo. And like a Soulmate domino, Scott gives Martyn an indirect death.

I personally love this narrative. Two flawed people, trying over and over to care about each other, but they can never turn the other cheek long enough for one of them not to stab the other in the back.

In this way, anything less than Limited Life would be terrible.

Scott is so quick to bind them together as a duo. He doesn’t want to be alone again, hurt by someone who doesn’t give him the time of day. It makes him picking Martyn strange, but also makes perfect sense. Martyn always tried friendship with him and had undying loyalty.

It’s what re-contextualizes the crawling back scene. Scott doesn’t actually hate Martyn, he just wants that show of loyalty. He wants Martyn to make the effort to bridge that gap like he did for Cleo. He wants Martyn to stay by his side, like the man stuck to Ren’s. He wants the loyalty he can only get from a display of Martyn’s devotion.

And for the rest of the season, Martyn is loyal and protective. And that is enough for Scott to try. Their downfall, their hatred for each other has always stemmed from a lack of trust and betrayal. But Scott and Martyn have unconditional faith in each other now and it leads to them being the duo that absolutely dominates the season.

Scott even places Martyn above Jimmy. He completely believes Martyn will keep him safe, tells him everything, shares every faucet of his season with the man. And Martyn does the same, to a point.

Martyn hides everything bad he does for Scott. Every death in an attempt to kill someone who hurt his friend. Every betrayal he makes against other factions to ensure it’s him and Scott at the end. All the guilt he feels for every time he does something that brings Scott harm. Especially killing him for the time.

And in the end, Martyn and Scott are in final three. And Martyn betrays Scott, because the two can never get too comfortable. The two are fated rivals and someone has to kill the other.

But Scott isn’t mad. Because Martyn has proven his loyalty. He is his mean gill, and Scott couldn’t have it any other way.

[wollemi-whump]

WIJ Day 17 - Recent Whump Obsessions

Well, I'd say there's quite an obvious one to be mentioned, the same one I wrote about for Day 5. Before that though, let me talk about my most recent interest.

I am always a slut for emotional whump, so I absolutely loved the first four parts of the bahkauv by @deluxewhump which I read per @whumpsday 's recommendation. I've also read about half of the Max and Carlo main series which has been wonderful as well. The writing for both of them is incredible, and I basically had that really-tense-adrenaline-filled-terror feeling the entire time I was reading, so you know it's good lol. I really enjoyed the characterization in the bahkauv. I kept forgetting the names (because I kept accidentally skipping the dialogue tags) but it didn't matter because the characters were written well enough that I could automatically discern who was saying and doing what. Very good story, love it much.

Ok, back to the other one. I've calmed down about it by now, but for a solid week I could not stop thinking about the lovely whumpy movie I had watched: The Eagle (2011).

Since this is the obsession post, here's some of my thoughts about it that I wrote a while ago comparing it to the BBC radio series. This is not at all a comprehensive review of the radio series, I literally only got through half of the first episode (of four I think), so don't be like discouraged from listening to it, it was actually good!! I just didn't feel the need to listen more since I'd already seen the movie and enjoyed it a lot. Anyway. Slight spoilers.

Episode 1 (halfway through)

There's quite a few major differences already between the movie and the radio, the most apparent one being that the events of the entire like first 10 minutes of the movie aren't in the radio. Rather than seeing Marcus get hurt, we just start there.

(Side note: I have to commend Tom Smith (Marcus's voice actor) on his tremendous sounds of pain. It's lovely.)

I think it's actually a disservice to the series to not have that scene or a scene like that. I liked it in the movie because it obviously shows how Marcus gets hurt (which the series does briefly), but it also shows off his bravado and courage, which I think really define his character and make it easy to the audience to understand (among other reasons) why he wants to go after the Eagle.

I think that scene also does great work to make Esca's character more complex. Rather than taking him for his word, the audience knows Esca is telling the truth when he describes how the Romans have fought the Britons. You can't deny or brush off all the objections Esca had towards Rome and Marcus himself.

Which brings me to the other greatest change: Esca. I will say that we've only just met him so maybe this will change, but Esca in personality seems so different than the movie. I don't know if this is a book thing <A/N: Yes this was a book thing> or just a decision by a specific person but Esca seems almost content? Which is strange? He is absolutely not living in the best or even good circumstances, yet you wouldn't sense that from his interactions thus far. Even describing the terrible things that have happened to him, he sounds strangely and comically upbeat.

One of the things that I loved about Esca in the movie is that he's absolutely not content with his situation, which helps with making him a very well-rounded character. He hates being a slave, and he hates being a slave to Marcus, and he hates Marcus and Rome all together. And that conflicts with the honor he holds himself to of repaying Marcus for saving his life. And yet he's even further upset about that because he doesn't want mercy, nevermind from a Roman. His personality gives him a lot more agency than I've seen with the radio version thus far.

It all goes towards giving Marcus and Esca a very interesting dynamic in the movie that seems very different from how it is in the radio series.

@whumpmasinjuly-archive

[elfhunk]

hi! i just wanted to say that all of your stuff on exercise and having a good relationship with your body has been really nice to read on my dash.

i've been trying on and off for the last few years to get myself back into a consistent exercise routine that i enjoy (COVID happened, stuff in my life happened, etc.) and i think that both your perspectives + obvious love of the gym are really helpful as motivation.

if i can ask a question: do you have any advice on developing a consistent, realistic schedule and sticking to it? (of course, while still being okay if things come up and change what you can do.) for me, i think one of the reasons i fell out of my routine is that my work/social/life obligations have changed a lot in the past few years. so i've been struggling to figure out where to slot in time for exercise when it feels like there's always something else i could or "should" be doing.

also, thanks for all the fun warframe stuff! i haven't played in ages because of the aforementioned obligation time crunch, but it's also really cool to see what you're doing in the game. my playstyle and preferred warframes were pretty opposite to yours, so i really had no clue that you could do a lot of the things you've shown off.

thank you! i'm glad it's having the desired impression on the other side. i used to think posting about it or deigning to enjoy brief moments of self-indulgent flexing was gauche when i've only put in the bare minimum of effort since i started lifting in 2020... but... uh...

when we only see images of people who have been kissed by perfectly specialized genetics and have dedicated a huge amount of their time, money and resources to it and have these immaculate perfectly proportioned bodies?

that only makes the body dysmorphia madness worse for all of us? especially when so many of those images aren't given context... or disclosing who is and isn't using certain drugs. 🫠

anyway, my handy tool in all of this is a thing i picked up as a habit from sexologist and all around wonderful woman dr. lindsey doe a long, long time ago:

a want, will, won't list.

although in this instance of teaching it was being used to discuss sexual activity, it's how i end up thinking about basically any major decision or lifestyle change.

time just is not infinite! you cannot do it all! there is going to be compromise!

these kinds of tools are a great way to help your brain organize your conflicting thoughts and set boundaries for yourself.

so, i don't know your brain or what accommodations you need, but i hope this framework might help you start figuring it out?

how many hours, total, do you want to spend a week?

how much time on strength training?

how much time on cardio?

how many individual days a week?

what are you willing to change about your existing schedule?

what won't you change under any circumstances?

would you be willing to buy some home equipment?

pay for a different gym that's closer by?

would you want to take a class or pay for a trainer?

do you have friends who would want to pursue this with you?

there's a ton of resources published by actual personal trainers on how to structure a full body workout into a given week for people with every possible permutation of schedule availability if you look for them.

as mentioned before, i've actually been having a horrible time at the gym this year. my appetite is shot, my energy is gone, and i've just been unable to prioritize it. part of my own journey with this has been acknowledging where there's necessary compromise. i've had to spend more time working on my brain than my body this year, and that's okay.

i can show myself kindness while still trying to problem solve. i can make cooking meals easier, i can budget for more accessible options, i can go maybe 2-3 days a week instead of 3-4 like i used to.

to facilitate this, i've also been trying to focus even more on the immediate benefits of this work.

focusing on minor aesthetic differences you won't see payoff for months or years just isn't particularly motivating?

but when i've had a long day and i just desperately need an hour or two to focus on something physically demanding that requires my full attention? where i get to walk away feeling physically exhilarated and accomplished, even if i was no where near my PR?

that's self care, baby! we all understand how important that is!

your body is truly just too stupid to care about the long term goals. it will just feel really good, and much better than it did an hour before even if the actual performance of that session was mediocre.

apologies for another full essay a response!

again, i truly just don't know your life or your circumstances, so i can only provide broad strokes... but i hope this at least gives some scaffolding to begin tackling the issue with some kindness to yourself as you re-calibrate.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Fics Not Rated Masterlist

A Little Bit Of Magic - doomedhowell

Summary: Dan is the new potions teacher at Hogwarts and is muggleborn, this is his first year teaching and whilst he’s excited, he has to get used to being in the castle with absolutely no muggle technology. Phil is the herbology teacher and is clumsy and likes puns and likes to help Hagrid with his magical creatures. Dan and Phil eventually meet and become rather close, some of the students realize this and try to get them together before the end up of the year.

As the World Caves In (ao3) - cosmic_angel_writes

Summary: Dan and Phil vs The Zombie Apocalypse

Come Over (ao3) - Mysticallykai

Summary: Dan and Phil's relationship is beginning to bloom, but Dan is terrified to let Phil into his home so he keeps pushing him away. He however, slowly learns that Phil is someone who will make his house a home.

Based loosely off of "Come Over" By Noah Kahan

Dangerous Games (ao3) - pasteldanhowells

Summary: Howell’s School of Abilities is a prestigious facility for children and teenagers with special powers. Dan and Phil both attend the school, but coming from rivaling families with opposing powers, they’re not exactly friends - their relationship is rather build on hostility and hatred. But what is going to happen to them when their final exam forces them to spend a week alone together?

Disastrous Ever After (ao3) - Finally_Facing_Failure

Summary: Dan and Phil live in a magical community, and decide one (drunken) night that they should break into the town's prison, to set free one of the dark creatures held there. Now they must embark on a journey through four fairy tale-like towns, to find the objects necessary to contain this dark creature. Of course, life being what it is, it doesn't go as easily as planned.

In Check (ao3) - QuietBubbles

Summary: Daniel, a young, emerging actor, has a boyfriend, who loves him very much. It doesn’t matter that Philip’s line of work is dangerous, not only for him, but for all who surround him. It doesn’t matter that, day by day, he grows more protective, more possessive, more paranoid. On this chessboard, death is only ever one wrong move away. But none of that matters. For Daniel’s boyfriend loves him very much... Obsession, Paranoia, Fluff, Smut, Danger. Will Update Daily! Hope you enjoy! <3

Libertadores (Liberators) (ao3) - FoxyAtlas 

Summary: The current conflict in Venezuela told through the eyes of two boys who are not supposed to be in love, not supposed to protest, and not supposed to fight. But they do anyways.

More at Eleven (ao3) - TwistedRocketPower

Summary: Phil Lester, the most beloved meteorologist at Southeast News, isn't sure of many things in his life. One thing he is sure of, however, is that he absolutely hates the new entertainment news anchor, Dan Howell.

Never Enough (ao3) - pasteldanhowells

Summary: Dan is a single father who is hardworking but is never appreciated by his son and they don’t get along with each other, and he eventually meets Phil and slowly but surely falls in love with him.

Perfect (ao3) - Anonymous

Summary: Phil is going to make TATINOF perfect-whatever it takes to get there.

rebrand (ao3) - dan-whoell (infiniteseriesofhalfways)

Summary: Phil makes some changes and meets a boy named Dan.

Red String of Fate (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Under major construction read at your own risk.

The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.

Phil transfers to a new high school where Dan is an editor on the schools yearbook staff. Follow them through school and summer camp in a world where everyone is connected by a red string of fate.

School Days (ao3) - jayryro

Summary: Dan is the new kid at school. All his life he's been alone, but soon he finds a home in Manchester with his new group of friends. But nothing is ever as perfect as it seems...

(Shit) Maybe I Miss You(ao3)- localopa

Summary: dan’s an actor and phil’s a bbc radio 1 presenter. a film in colorado fucks things up.

so american (ao3) - ae121

Summary: Phil has been living in London for a year and thinks he's gotten pretty used to the city. He works part-time at a bookstore, using it at first to gain some friends, now it's just fun for him. His friends are constantly trying to find him someone to date, but all of his dates don't go well. Well, that's until he met Dan.

so good (ao3) - grievingwarwidow

Summary: dan gets a piercing

Talking to the Moon - adorablehowell

Summary: Dan hides away from the melancholy in his life by sitting on the balcony with the stars as his only source of happiness, but he encounters a man named Phil who likes to sing songs on his own balcony, and Dan finds the stars are not his only friends out there.

Tequila and Lime (ao3) - SecretLlama_22

Summary: Dan and Phil bartender AU, where Dan has a crush on his recently phlonded colleague.

Through the Wire (ao3) - breatherepeat

Summary: While on the US tour, Dan receives multiple calls from his grandmother.

No worries. Grandmother is fine. She just has an important question for him to answer.

Set in the same universe as Everything. Don't need to read Everything to enjoy this one though.

Wagon Wheel (ao3) - SylvesterLester

Summary: Is there enough room in Wagon Wheel for Phil's saloon and Sheriff Howell's city-slickin' ways?

[silver-tooth-the-panther]

Half-Demon! Tanjiro AU

Chapter Six:

The Redemption Project

Warnings: blood and signs of a toxic relationship

Word Count: 5889

  With the arrival of the Hashiras, and some of the Kizuki, came many new changes. Aoi and the triplets back at the Butterfly Estate celebrated Shinobu's return with tears and hugs. Mitsuri was able to visit her family and introduce them to her boyfriend, Obanai. However, Sanemi couldn't bring herself to face Genya. He was ridden with guilt for what he did to his little brother.

  With all these changes happening, Tanjiro thought about what this could all mean. He thought about how the different Kizuki members reacted to him bringing them back. Akaza and Rui made him the most curious. He expected all of them to treat him with resentment, yet that wasn't the case.

  He noticed a strong sorrowful scent that came from them when he brought them back. It threw him off guard, but it ultimately made him curious. It was that reason why Tanjiro put himself here. Sitting in front of Kiriya, discussing plans.

  "You want to try to redeem the demons?" Kiriya's voice was soft, yet filled with curiosity. Not a single bit if anger or concern could be sensed. Tanjiro nodded. "I know that it sounds ridiculous, but I believe that they can be redeemed, especially now that I can make them half-demons."

  Kiriya looked out the sliding doors to the vibrant outside world. The pedals of the cherry blossoms fell slowly and landed in the crystal blue lake beneath the tree. "Why do you believe this?" He asked softly. "I'm not mad, just curious."

  Tanjiro knew that he would have to pitch this idea elegantly. He cleared his throat and spoke with a warm, yet determined voice. "Ever since I started working as a demon slayer, I've met many kinds of people. I know that to many of us here, demons seems like creatures of pure evil. However, I know that isn't true. Many of the demons I've met radiate the scent of pain and sorrow and it isn't narcissistic sorrow either. They've lost so much and it made them turn to Kibutsuji."

  Kiriya turns back to him, seemingly convinced. He did still seem wary though. Tanjiro took quick notice of this. "I know it sounds ridiculous...but you should've seen the way Rui held onto me on our way back from Mount Natagumo..the way Akaza destroyed himself during the final battle and how the scent of regret lingered around him."

  The speech was quite moving and his words fully convinced Kiriya. "This won't be easy.." Kiriya said, almost as if he was thinking to himself. "Both the majority of the slayers and the demons will most likely reject the idea at first." Tanjiro nodded, understanding the harsh circumstances. "I know, but the greatest things in life do come with severe risks."

  Kiriya smiled, warmly. "Yet you're willing to do this anyway, despite the risks." He sighed with relief and tranquility. "Alright. I'll let you start this redemption project. Just don't let them devour any humans, alright?" Tanjiro smiled and brightened like the sun. "Thank you, master! Thank you so much!" He got up and bowed, filling Kiriya's heart with happiness. "It's no problem, young Kamado."

  Tanjiro turned to leave, but he stopped himself before walking out the door. "Oh! One last thing, master." Kiriya tilted his head, curiously. "Hm? What is it?" Tanjiro turned back to him. "I know that I'm able to bring others back, so.." He seemed to get nervous. "Would you..like me to bring back your father, mother, and sisters?"

  A wave of grief and surprise came over Kiriya. He did want his family to be whole again, but he couldn't make a rash decision here. This would be an instant "yes" if it weren't for his father's disease. Kiriya knew that if his father, Kagaya, still had the side effects of his disease, he would be absolutely miserable.

  "Young Kamado..as much as I would love to have my father back, I unfortunately have to say no. We don't know if he would still suffer from his symptoms as a half-demon. Plus, knowing my father, he probably would rather accept his life in heaven. My mother would want to stay by his side as well."

  Kiriya wiped the tears from his eyes. "But...could you bring back my sisters? They were too young to die and my father would want them to come back." Tanjiro smiled with empathy. "Of course I can. It's the least I could do." He crouches down in front of Kiriya and opened his arms, offering a hug. Kiriya almost threw himself into Tanjiro's arms, sobbing.

  Despite Kiriya being the master of the Demon Slayer Corps, he was still a kid. "I'm sorry, young Kamado. I should be stronger." Kiriya's voice was muffled, due to him burying himself in Tanjiro's chest. "It's okay, master. I know that it hurts. There's no shame in grieving." Kiriya looked up at him with a warm smile on his face. "Thank you, Tanjiro. Thank you."

  The first people that came to Tanjiro's mind when it came to redemption were actually the Shabana siblings, Daki and Gyutaro. This is because they had one of the strongest scents of sorrow out of any of the demons he's encountered. They were also the only demons who genuinely loved and sacrificed themselves for another. Therefore, Tanjiro did actually respect them.

  Nezuko was also surprisingly open to the idea. She too remembered the way they fought and protected each other, so she decided to accompany him. The voluminous moon shone brightly down on them as they headed to the Entertainment District on foot. This took a lot longer to get there then it would have to get someone to ride them there, but they didn't want to risk their demon selves being snuffed out.

  A lamp that Tanjiro decided to bring with them, was glowing brightly in his grasp. It lit the night and led them to the recovering Entertainer District. Since the time they fought Undermoon Six, the district has been recovering at a steady pace. Many of the houses and shops have already been rebuilt and were now in full swing.

  Tanjiro shuddered at the sight of the place. He hated the way this place treated women and how it used their desperation. Nezuko hid  behind him, feeling nervous from the environment. Her brother gently took her hand into his and looked back at her. "Don't worry, Nezuko. I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

  Nezuko smiled in response, but she still hid behind him. Tanjiro sniffed the air, looking for the demon duo's unique scent. "I've got it." He said softly yet excitedly. Both the Kamados sped their pace as they made their way through the center of the Entertainment District. This lead then to the back area of the district.

  Houses were being rebuilt from the rubble from the fight. The further south they went, the more destruction they came across. "The battle left everything in shambles." Tanjiro's voice was gripped with guilt. "I know, brother. At least they're recovering quickly, right?" Nezuko said, trying to cheer him up. Tanjiro turned to her and smiled. "Right."

  They followed the scent past the rubber and destruction and it led them to an empty spot in the middle of ruins. "We're here, Nezuko." Tanjiro whispered, looking around him. Once again, he saw the red ashes that would form the two demons. Nezuko followed his gaze, having a vague idea of what he's looking at. "Alright, brother. Good luck!"

  Tanjiro smiled at her before slicing his hand with his claws, letting the blood drip on the ground. "You're going to have Miss Kocho pump some blood into you by this end of this." Nezuko said, worriedly. "You're probably right." Tanjiro half-heartedly chuckled. The red ashes made themselves visible by glowing brightly and moving closer towards the blood.

  Tanjiro closed his eyes and remembered the battle with vivid accuracy. This caused the ashes to come together. They slowly melded into each other, creating the forms of the demon siblings. Nezuko skipped to her brother's side when their forms were almost completely built. The red lights glowed brightly before dying down, revealing Daki and Gyutaro.

  Daki stretched her arms while Gyutaro shook his head like a dog. "Where are w-ah!" Daki shrieked as she opened her eyes. "It's you two! What have you done to us?!" She snarled aggressively. Tanjiro raised his hands. "It's alright. No one is going to hurt you."

  "Why should we believe you?" Gyutaro made a low growl as he put an arm in front of his sister. "You killed us.." Tanjiro nodded, understanding their concern. "I understand why you don't believe me. You have every reason to be skeptical." The Shabana sibling narrowed their eyes, not believing him for a second.

  "He's telling the truth. My brother wants to bring the demons back, so he can try to help them." Nezuko smiled innocently. "That makes no sense! How would he be able to bring us back in the first pla-" Daki looked into the older Kamado's eyes and immediately trembled in fear. "Brother...He..He's the..new Demon King." She gripped her brother's arm like a scared child.

  Gyutaro looked back at her, then back at the Kamados. "What do you plan on doing to us? Do you plan on torturing us?! For all that we've done to you?!" Gyutaro tried to mask his fear by growling at them. "Don't you touch my little sister! If you're going to torture someone..torture me." He knew that he couldn't defeat them, so Gyutaro just wrapped his arms around his sister.

  Both of the Kamado's shook their heads. "That's not why we're here." Nezuko said softly. "Then why did you bring us back?" Gyutaro spoke in an oddly soft voice, not being sure on how to feel. "We brought you back to give you a second chance." Tanjiro smiled with empathy, catching the demon siblings' attention.

  "I can tell that you two must've had painful lives. You wanted others to suffer just like you two did. It must've taken a lot of suffering to get you to that point and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. Although what you did to innocent people was unforgivable, I do want to give you a second chance. Demons were once human after all and I can tell that you two truly love each other."

  Gyutaro lowered his arm as he listened to Tanjiro. Daki wasn't convinced though. "You're a liar..You don't want to help us! You only want to us-" Gyutaro stopped her by lightly squeezing her hand. "Ume..please." His voice was really soft at this point. Daki turned to him. "Do you really believe him?" Gyutaro nodded. "What other slayer would do this for us?"

  This made Daki really put things into perspective. She turned away, closed her eyes, and sighed. "I guess if you believe him..then I suppose I'll stay by your side." Both Gyutaro and Tanjiro smiled at her. "Thank you, Miss Daki." Nezuko beamed. Daki only huffed in response.

  The Shabana siblings were quickly taken to the Infinity Castle, where all the other Kizuki members were located. Most of them seemed to be pretty neutral towards them. That is, except for Douma. He seemed to adore them when they returned, much to their dismay.

  Tanjiro knew exactly where he needed to go next, the Swordsmith Village! He talked about visiting the village with the same Kakushi that transported him there. "You know..since Muzan Kibutsuji was defeated. You don't need to have someone take you to the village anymore." The Kakushi said in a matter of fact tone.

  "Really?" Tanjiro tilted his head. "Well that does make sense, since that was the whole reason why you had to blindfold me." The Kakushi nodded. "Since you may not know how to get there, I still think it would be best if I took you." Tanjiro nodded and smiled. "That would be great! Thank you!"

  And with that, the Kakushi led the Kamado to the mysterious world of the Swordsmith village. The beautiful forest around them radiated with mystique and wonder, capturing the essence of beauty in every leaf and shred of grass. "Here we are, Lord Kamado." The Kakushi turned to them. "I'll be here when you want to return."

  Tanjiro beamed happily. "Thank you! We'll be back shortly!" Both of the Kamados waved to them as they ran off into the village. All the damage that the village had sustained was now completely fixed. The wrecked houses were rebuilt and every settlement that was destroyed was restored, restoring the town to its natural beauty.

  Tanjiro squeezed Nezuko's hand lightly. She looked up at him to see him smiling. "I'm glad you're still with me." He muttered, making Nezuko return the smile. Tanjiro sniffed the air, catching the old, wooden scent of Hantengu. "Over here, Nezuko." He carefully led her to the location of the scent. Nezuko was humming the whole way there.

  The scent led them to the same valley where Hantengu was defeated. The red ashes circled around them as they traversed through the grassy plains. Tanjiro looked at her and she nodded. He nodded in response, cutting open his palm to start the revival process. Hantengu's form was completely rebuilt within a matter of seconds.

  Hantengu rubbed his eyes as he slowly came to consciousness. Without a warning, the demon shrieked when he saw Tanjiro and Nezuko. "Ah! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" He crouched down and covered his head. Tanjiro sat on his knees in front of him. "Hey, it's alright. I'm not going to hurt you."

  "You aren't?" Hantengu lifted his head. "Why wouldn't you?" Tanjiro smiled and tilted his head. "Well, I believe that the demons can be redeemed." Hantengu seemed surprised, yet willing. "Wait. You would do that for us?" Tanjiro nodded. Hantengu stared off at the horizon. "Why..thank you."

  Tanjiro purred with warmth. "Of course." Hantengu looked back at Tanjiro. "There's one other Moon here." Tanjiro nodded, already knowing who this demon is. "Uppermoon Five, I'm guessing?" Hantengu looked around their surroundings. "Yes. His name is Gyokko. He should be over there." He points to the shrouded, dark forest close to the entrance of the village.

  Tanjiro stood up and bowed politely. "Thank you. I'll meet back up with you once I bring him back." He patted his leg, calling for Nezuko. Nezuko stood up and went to her brother's side. Hantengu watched her, regret gripping at his heart. "Tanjiro?" The young slayer turned to him. "I'm..I'm sorry.." Hantengu said softly. Tanjiro smiled at him. "I have faith in you in becoming a better person."

  Tanjiro turned back to Nezuko, who was humming and swaying her arms. He couldn't help but ruffle her hair and grin. "Come on, Nezuko." Tanjiro said softly, leading the both of them to where Hantengu pointed at. Low and behold, he was right. Red ashes filled the area and they circled around the Kamado siblings.

  Tanjiro slit his palms and performed the same trick that he used many times before. Gyokko's form quickly came together from the red ashes..which turned to be an absolute shock to the Kamado. During the battle at the Swordsmith Village, Muichiro was actually the only slayer to have seen Gyokko. So, his appearance was startling to say the least.

  Nezuko hid behind her brother as he confronted the misshapen demon. Gyokko shook his head, causing the small arms on his head to flail. "Hyo, hyo, hyo! What have we here? A new Demon King?" His voice was completely devoid of fear or even anger. He seemed..excited?

  Tanjiro sniffed the air. Unlike with the others, there was no scent of pain or sorrow. Even Douma had one. A buried scent, but it was still a scent! Alas, Tanjiro wanted to be fair with all of them. "Yes, I am the new Demon King, Gyokko."

  Gyokko clapped his small arms together. "Splendid! What kind of art are you planning to make? Oh please tell me!" Tanjiro was weirded out by Gyokko's strange persistence. "We don't eat or kill humans...My goal is to redeem the demons." Gyokko looked disappointed, if you can call his droopy mouth eye an expression. "Oh..how disappointing."

  Tanjiro's anger flared at his statement, but he kept it under wraps. "Would you like to join us?" Gyokko stared off to the side before turning back to him. "Well, I guess it is better than my own personal death." Tanjiro raised an eyebrow. "You won't eat any humans, right?" Gyokko raised his tiny hands. "I won't.. I can probably make art in other ways.." A sinister chuckle came from him.

  Tanjiro huffed in annoyance. "Just don't hurt anyone." He took a deep breath and stood up. "Can you put yourself in your pot? It's the best way I can get you out safely." Gyokko laughed wickedly. "Of course I can! Don't you worry, young king." He slipped his body into the pot below him, causing it to rattle slightly.

  Tanjiro sighed as he picked up the pot. Nezuko was tugging on his haori in a worried manner. He turned to her. "I know, Nezuko. Try not to worry." He gave her a reassuring smile. This gave her a bit of comfort, but she was still nervous.

  They made their way back to Hantengu, who was just peacefully watching the sun. He looked at them when he heard their footsteps. "Looks like he joined you." Tanjiro nodded slowly, seemingly either deep in thought or perhaps just upset. "Is something wrong, master?" Hantengu asked with genuine concern. "No, I'm fine." He smiled warmly. "We just need to make our way back."

  Hantengu nodded. "I can shrink myself, if that'd make it easier." Tanjiro grinned with excitement. "That'd be great! Thank you!" Hantengu stood up and shrunk himself down to only a few inches. Tanjiro bent down and put his free hand down on the ground, so Hantengu could climb on. He did just that and Tanjiro lifted him up and held the small demon close to his chest. "Alright. Now let's take you back to the Infinity Castle."

  Their journey back was a smooth one. The Kakushi wondered where Tanjiro received the large pot, but Nezuko told them that he had bought it as a gift for someone. This seemed to convince the Kakushi well enough. Nezuko was a better liar than her brother after all.

  The duo or Upperrank demons were quickly returned to the Infinity Castle. Once again, the Kizuki members that were already there felt pretty neutral about their return. Luckily, Nakime showed them where their new rooms were, so the settling process was rather simple.

  Tanjiro knew where his last stop would be and he dreaded the idea of going there. The Mugen Train was the last place where a deceased Moon was located. Unfortunately, the demon there not only caused Tanjiro the most pain, but there was a high possibility that he would retaliate. Still, Tanjiro had to be fair with him. He also wanted to be fair with Shinobu, since he had to bring back the one who tormented her the most.

  And so, the Kamado siblings made their way to the crash site of the Mugen Train. The sun was setting upon our heros as the night soon began to take shape. Stars littered the skies like diamonds on a black dress. The moon beamed down on the Kamados with mysterious intent as they traversed through the night.

  They eventually made their way to where the Mugen Train crashed. The only thing that remained from the wreckage was the tracks that carried the train. It seemed like the train was picked up and repaired for future rides. Whether anyone decided to ride on it again was a complete mystery, but that wasn't the goal of this mission.

  Tanjiro, who was holding Nezuko's hand, stopped dead in his tracks when the red ashes were all around them. "We're here, Nezuko." His voice was oddly cold and upset. "Brother? Are you okay?" Nezuko squeezed his hand gently, rubbing the scar on his palm with her thumb. "I just hope this won't take too long."

  Thus, he began the revival process. His blood splattering on the ground, the ashes glowing as they were attracted to the blood, and the ashes circling around them to form the titular train demon. Enmu slowly opened his eyes as his form was completed. "Hm? Where am I?"

  He looked up to see the Kamado siblings sitting in front of him. "Am I in hell?" Enmu's voice sounded flat and empty. "No" Tanjiro sounded like he was about to growl. "I brought you back." Enmu tilted his head, confused. "How would you be able to do that? You're not a de-" He then caught sight of Tanjiro's shimmering scarlet eyes.

  "You..you killed him.." Enmu's eyes widened as he put a hand to his chest. "Muzan Kibutsuji was a ruthless and uncaring leader. He didn't care about your or any of the others' wellbeing. He just used you to get what he wanted." Tanjiro's reasoning was valid and also completely true.

  Enmu gritted his teeth. "You're wrong..He cared about me..He gave me purpose..so I had to repay him for all the kindness he gave me!" Tanjiro knew this kind of talk all too well. Muzan used him..he used them all. Tanjiro sniffed the air and there he found it. The same pained scent that had been buried beneath the sands of time.

  What once was cold skepticism now turned to understanding empathy. "Listen, he only gave you a false sense of purpose. Muzan just wanted to use you for your power and loyalty." Tanjiro's voice spoke with warmth. "Liar! You don't understand how much he cared for me! You never will!" Enmu growled as he dug his claws in the ground. Tanjiro knew that this poor demon had been manipulated for years.

  Enmu growled as he tried to swing his claws at the young slayer, being too flustered to use his Blood Demon Art. Tanjiro jumped up, which startled Enmu since he was much larger than when they last met. The young slayer took this opportunity to grab both of Enmu's hands with one of his own. Tanjiro then shoved him with his foot and pushed Enmu into the ground, immobilizing him.

  Nezuko watched all this in awe. He really has gotten stronger! This was a stark contrast to what Tanjiro was capable of back when he originally fought Enmu. Enmu himself was also alarmed by his strength. He wasn't in awe though Enmu was frightened.

  He tried to squirm, to break himself free from Tanjiro's grasp, but it was futile. Enmu's hand moved fruitlessly in Tanjiro's. The Demon King bent down and snarled. "I wouldn't do that. If I were you." Enmu stopped struggling out of fear. Instead, he shook with terror and began to panic.

  Tanjiro could smell the demon's fear and took a deep breath. "Listen, I didn't mean to scare you, but you must know that what I'm saying is true. I only want the best for you. I promise.." Enmu knew that there was no way out of this. "Fine..I'll join." He closed his eyes in defeat. "I don't want you to think of this as betrayal. He betrayed you by not showing any real love for you."

  Enmu didn't listen to Tanjiro's concerned words. "Let's just go.." His voice was absent of any excitement or emotion. Enmu just sounded tired. Tanjiro let go of the demon and took his foot off of his chest. Enmu stood up and dusted himself off. "Is the Infinity Castle still there?"

  Tanjiro nodded as he picked up Nezuko and placed her on his shoulders. "Yes, I was actually going to take you there." Enmu looked out at the dark horizon. "Lead the way then.." Tanjiro made a soft rumble as he walked beside him. All of them heading to the demons' refuge.

  Now almost all of the Moons that Tanjiro and his friends have encountered were known at the Infinity Castle. Of course, the poor boy was extremely exhausted by the end of this. Not only did he have to travel many miles, but he also lost quite a bit of blood. So, both Tanjiro and Nezuko decided to rest at the Butterfly Estate.

  Shinobu had resumed her position as the Corps doctor and medical adviser. So, she was the one taking care of the Kamados. Shinobu constantly insisted that Tanjiro needed to rest so that he could recover the blood he lost. That was what she was doing now.

  Tanjiro was sitting up in his designated medical bed. He was telling Nezuko, who was sitting next to him, stories from his adventures that she missed out on while she was a demon. Shinobu then came in with some medicine and tea. "Oh! Thank you, Miss Kocho." Tanjiro smiled at her while she put the items down on the nightstand beside him. "I didn't mean to cause you any trouble."

  "You're not causing me any trouble." Shinobu's wings fluttered slightly. "You need to rest and it's my job to take care of you while you're injured. Besides, you could use the break. You've been through a lot these past few days, Young Kamado."

  Tanjiro hummed softly. "Thank you. You're too kind, really." Shinobu smiled back. "I should be the one thanking you. I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you." She looked out the window for a moment. "I do have one question for you though."

  Both of the Kamados looked up at her. "Sure! Whatever you need." Shinobu nodded. "I know that you told me about your project yesterday and that the master is going to discuss it with the rest of the Hashira...but I just want to know, do you really think that it's going to work?"

  Tanjiro went silent for a moment before speaking. "I believe that it will. They were treated poorly, not only by Muzan but also by the people around them when they were human. Granted, some of them will fight me at first, but I believe that over time they will learn and grow as people. They were human before being turned."

  That last sentence of his speech reminded Shinobu of someone she held very dear to her. "You sound just like her." Shinobu whispered. Tanjiro and Nezuko looked at her with worry as she shook her head. "I myself don't really believe that they can change.." Tanjiro frowned, but he understood why she would say that.

  "But your heart is in the right place." The Kamados looked up at her in surprise. "As long as you can keep them under control, I'll support you with anything you need." Shinobu smiled at him with motherly intent. Tanjiro returned with happiness and excitement. "Thank you so much, Miss Kocho."

  "Ehem, Lady Kocho?" Aoi popped her head in the room. All three of the half-demons turned to her. "Yushiro is here and he wants to visit Tanjiro." The Kamado siblings lit up when they heard Yushiro's name. "Of course! Send him in." Shinobu smiled eagerly. "We should check in to see how he's doing."

  Aoi's head disappeared as her voice was then heard talking to the familiar demon. Then , Yuishiro walked in. He didn't have his usual stern look, but instead he looked tired and somber. "Hello, Kamado." His voice was soft as he tried to smile softly.

  Tanjiro knew that Tamayo's death hit the poor demon hard. He gave him a soft smile. "Hello, Mister Yushiro. How are you feeling?" Yushiro only turned his head and made a soft hum. "I'm so sorry. I know that it hurts." Tanjiro's voice was warm and empathetic. "It's not your fault. She had to do it."

  Shinobu walked over to him and took his hand. Yushiro followed her beside Tanjiro's bed. "I know that things have been rather busy for you." Yushiro looked up at Tanjiro. "I just came here to make sure that you're okay." Tanjiro nodded. "I'm fine. A bit tired, but otherwise okay. I'm more concerned about you."

  Yushiro shrugged. "I'll be okay..eventually." That statement made everyone's heart break. They knew that Tamayo was the only person that Yushiro had left over then Chachamaru. Then, Tanjiro started to think. He knew that he was able to separate Shinobu's DNA from Douma and Muzan absorbed Tamayo right before his essence was transferred to Tanjiro. So what if Tamayo's DNA was still inside him? Could he possibly bring her back?

  There's no other way to find out than trying. Tanjiro filled his mind with memories of Tamayo. He focused all his strength and energy and imagined that Tamayo was there with them. Then, a sharp pain spread across his body, causing him to let out a vicious scream.

  Everyone immediately sprang up to try to help him. Shinobu ran to get some pain medicine while Nezuko tried wrapping Tanjiro up in the blanket. Yushiro didn't exactly know what was going on, so he just panicked. Strangely, purple specks of light rose from Tanjiro.

  This threw everyone off guard. Nezuko figured out what her brother was trying to do, but Yushiro was just alarmed. "What's he doing?!" Yushiro's heart throbbed with panic. "He's doing this for you." Nezuko said softly.

  Tanjiro's body felt like he was being torn apart as he roared in pain. The purple lights slowly started to come together to form the demon doctor. Yushiro's eyes widened as he saw the love of his life slowly being restored. Tanjiro's screaming died off as the process was completed. He then slumped over in the bed, groaning in pain.

  Tamayo then opened her eyes. She looked around the medical room. "Wh-where am I?" She spoke with a daze. "Lady Tamayo?" Yushiro was in complete disbelief at what was in front of him. Tamayo turned to him, her eyes widened. "Yushiro?" The demon's assistant buckled to his knees and started to cry. Tamayo immediately went over to him and hugged him tightly.

  "I missed you.." Yushiro sobbed into her shoulder. "I missed you too." Tamayo said softly and she hugged him. Shinobu then came in with the pain medicine. She looked up at the scene in front of her and almost dropped her medicine out of surprise. "Tamayo? Is that really you?"

  Tamayo turned to look at Shinobu. "Shinobu? You're here.." Tamayo smiled at her. "I'm so glad." Tanjiro groaned in pain as Nezuko tried her best to comfort him. Everyone turned to them. "Oh my..What happened, young Kamado?" Tamayo stood up and went to his side, followed by Yushiro.

  "I had..to bring you back..it was the least..I could do for you.. and Yushiro." Tanjiro winced weakly. Tamayo smiled at him and started to pet his head. "Thank you. You didn't have to put yourself through so much pain just for me." Tanjiro only closed his eyes in response. Shinobu went over to him and helped him sit up. She took a spoonful of the medicine and gave it to him. "There. That should help him."

  "Thank you." Nezuko hugged her weak brother. "Of course. He's probably going to have to stay here for a few more days then." Shinobu sighed. "I could stay here to help him." Tamayo offered. "Just to make sure he gets better." Shinobu nodded and smiled. "That'd be great. Thank you so much." Tamayo gently ruffled Tanjiro's hair. "It's the least I can do."

  It was a good thing that she offered too, since Kiriya ordered for the Hashira meeting the next day. The master waited patiently for all the Hashira to arrive. Which they did so rather quickly. Shinobu was the first to show while Tengen and Sanemi were the last. Rengoku walked in with Giyuu and Mitsuri did the same with Obanai. Gyomei walked in with  Muichiro by his side. Then, they all took their place in front of the master.

  "Good morning everyone." Kiriya beamed. His two sisters, who had originally died in the explosion with their parents, were now sitting next to him as half-demons. "Good morning, master!" Rengoku boomed positively. The others followed suit in greeting the master.

  Kiriya smiled softly as they finished. "As we all know, Tanjiro and the majority of you are now half-demons." The ones who were converted nodded. "Well, I have gathered you today to tell you of a new project that Tanjiro is starting up." They all looked at each other curiously, except for Shinobu of course.

  Kiriya took a deep breath. "Tanjiro is going to try to rehabilitate the demons." Most of the Hashiras looked at each other with confusion. "What?! With all do respect master, there's no way that Kamado seriously believes that those things can be redeemed!" Obanai hissed angrily as his tail wrapped around Mitsuri's waist.

  Kiriya nodded. "I understand your concerns, but don't worry. Tanjiro has complete control over them." Rengoku smiled and huffed. "He's right! Young Kamado already has a demon who's already changing for the better!" Sanemi looked at him crossly. "You mean that Lower Moon runt?"

  "Sanemi..there's no need for language like that." Kiriya's voice was strict and venomous. "Well, I've met him and he seems very sweet! He is just a child after all." Mitsuri chirped. "That doesn't change the fact that he's still a danger." Obanai hissed aggressively.

  "He passed the blood test." All the Hashiras turned to Kiriya. "I cut my arm to see if he would take it, but he didn't. Rui has no bloodlust." They all looked at each other. "Is that really true?" Muichiro asked. "It is. I was there when it happened, and so was Shinazugawa." Giyuu said in his usual stoic voice. Sanemi just turned his head and remained silent.

  "Still..this project of his is going to be a failure." Obanai scoffed, crossing his arms. "Maybe, but then again, maybe not." Gyomei spoke softly. "We won't know exactly how successful this can be. He sees something in them that most don't. I wish only the best for him."

  "I hate to say it, but Himejima's right." Tengen spoke. "Who knows how successful this could be. Plus, Kamado is more powerful now than he ever was. So, he'll be able to keep a hold on them." Sanemi sighed. "Do we have to get directly involved?"

  Kiriya shook his head. "Not in the redemption process, no. However, I will be sending you on missions to convert other demons. If they consistently refuse, then kill them. Just don't kill them just because you want to." Obanai huffed irritably. "I guess that's better than working with them."

  "Don't give him a hard time. Young Kamado just wants them to have better lives. Who knows what they've been through." Rengoku said, trying to convince them. Both Obanai and Sanemi scoffed. "Just keep them away from me."

  Kiriya sighed, tired from all the fighting. "I know that this is a lot to digest, but I promise you that you won't be taken away from your families again. Try to live the life you want to live." All the Hashira nodded. Giyuu then looked up at the ceiling. "That's what Tanjiro wants for everyone."

 

 

Author's note: This is the last of the introductory chapters. The majority of the chapters going forward are going to be more episodic with continuous character arcs and plot lines.

[girl4music]

So I’ve just watched ‘I Will Remember You’ for the very first time. Oh boy… where do I even fucking start?

I thought I would never have to endure Bangel in this show at any point. But there was Bangel alright… Bangel and all of what that tragic dynamic entails. I really shouldn’t be surprised since I’m sure a Buffy/Angel crossover was highly anticipated at the time. But almost every issue I have with them was pretty much supersized to the max. I don’t even know where to begin in trying to explain all of what I want to say.

Let’s start with the one-sided decision making because that’s the thing that’s bothering me the most right now. Couples in a loving relationship full of trust and respect and maturity do not make decisions for their partner without consulting their partner. Doesn’t matter what the reason or circumstance is - full awareness and informed decision from both partners is required before any decision making that affects the both of them and their relationship happens.

Cue my Angel/Willow parallels: *after wiping her memories of fighting so that they wouldn’t fight* (actually this a very similar situation. Ugh. Least the sex is consensual this time. This is a plus I guess.)

WILLOW: “I just wanted to make things better. Better for us.”

TARA: “But you don’t get to decide what is better for us, Will. We’re in a relationship. We’re supposed to decide together.”

Angel made 2 - TWO - major decisions in this episode without informing Buffy. Without talking to her once, without even leaving her notice that he would be okay or why he wasn’t in bed when she woke up yet again!

He told Cordelia and Doyle. But he never told Buffy. Madness. And the fact he claims it’s out of love and that she is important to him why he didn’t do it. It may just be the woman in me talking that’s feeling sympathy for Buffy but this dude truly is infuriating.

“How can we be together if the cost is your life, or the lives of others?”

HELLO … that’s every fucking day! You both will eventually die and so will the rest of the world. This idiot is so consumed by his self-sabotaging guilt that he can’t even see for one second how that is such flawed logic. He was human and he was happy. She was still the Slayer but she is human and happy. I mean what the fuck? And excuse me…, but why is it he is the only one who was allowed to remember it? Framing it as some kind of self-sacrificial heroics when it really was just plain stupid and selfish. There wasn’t even a guarantee anything would go wrong. There was just a chance it might. Which it would anyway. And he took that as fact like the impulsive act-and-ask-questions-later brooding sad boy he is.

I understand the risk but the risk doesn’t outweigh the reality because the risk will always be there regardless of what they do or don’t do together. I wanted to root for them now that Buffy is an adult but it’s evident Angel just isn’t good for Buffy either as a human or vampire just because he says and believes it. In much the same way as Buffy does not allow herself love or happiness or normality or forgiveness in her own show, neither does he in his own show.

I don’t know if I’m articulating any of this well. I’m just so fucking frustrated by what I’ve just watched. I’m just venting my emotions on it at the moment. My perspective might be subject to change once I’ve got passed the emotional stage and processed my thoughts and got full information on the details.

The rest is just too much for me to analyze right now. Why put me through that? That was bloody painful! They could have had a life of happiness and freedom and humanity together. An actual future with each other. And he chose to full speed reverse out of it without a word to his girlfriend he loves oh so much.

[beezpajamas]

Control vs. Letting Go in TFOTA

.

It is getting a little late but I finally have somewhat been able to articulate my thoughts on how Cardan ties into the anxiety Jude faces for most of the series.

Reminder that these are my opinions and how I interpreted the book and these characters. If you have anything to add or disagree with, do so respectfully

Control

Anxiety can stem from the feeling of being out of control, particularly about the future or things that haven’t happened yet. Given the circumstances of Jude’s life, it’s no surprise she has a lot of anxiety. She lives in a land of people who despise her and actively belittle, humiliate or flat out hurt her. Even though she was raised by the gentry, she would always be seen as less. 

When she begins to fight back, she gets some control over her life but also loses some. Her life before had been... predictable doesn’t seem to be the right word, but she knew what to expect. She doesn’t exactly know what to expect now that she has made herself a bigger target.

I believe Cardan ties into this in two ways. The first being becoming High King. The second being Jude’s romantic feelings for him. 

When Cardan becomes High King, Jude has him under her control. She has more power than she ever thought she would, and it soothes her. I’ve personally found that when your anxiety gets bad, you grasp onto anything that gives you that control back. It helps keep you grounded. Anyway, Jude would have done anything to keep her control on him and she did. She killed and lied and kept secrets. She schemed and fought tooth and nail for her position, and she did this by herself. Which brings me to my next point. 

Jude felt she couldn’t trust anyone for a lot of the books. She couldn’t trust Taryn who kept betraying her. Vivi was always off in the mortal world, and Jude didn’t really have any friends. You know who she did have? Cardan. Though she tried her best to hate him, he was a constant in her life. Jude couldn’t rely on a lot, but she could rely on how Cardan felt about her. When he was angry with her or snarky, it was familiar. In a way, it kept her grounded. So much was changing or moving without her but at least she could keep track of how she thought Cardan felt about her. More importantly, how she thought she felt about him. 

She relied on his hatred, but she also relied on her own hatred. As I’ve said before, so many things were changing that she couldn’t predict. The one thing she could always predict was the little dance her and Cardan did around each other. But feelings are often out of our control, and Jude has to learn this. The more she feels for Cardan, the more she shoves it down because if she can’t rely on her own hatred, what can she rely on? If their relationship changes, how can she know what to predict? It was completely unknown territory. 

Letting Go

For the majority of The Queen of Nothing, we see Jude give into her feelings more. She does not have the same guard up that she did in The Wicked King. She confesses to Cardan that the exile hurt her and they also sleep together. But I believe she is still holding onto her power for comfort. 

The tipping point of this is when Cardan is turned into a serpent. This time, Jude is offered more power than she has ever had. She could be a feared queen with a serpent by her side and Madoc and Lord Jarel tied to her bidding. A mortal turned into the most terrifying faerie high queen. She could have all the control she wants, and she would never have to feel fear again.

But as I’ve said, Cardan has been a constant in her life. He is always there, ready with a quip or an eye roll or staring at her intensely. Jude thinks of what he would do if their roles were reversed. She sleeps in his bed. Those few days without him and she comes to the conclusion she does not want to do it without him. She wants him by her side.

Because she loves him and wants him to be free, this is where she lets go of her control. 

“But I don’t want to win like this. Perhaps I will never live without fear, perhaps power will slip from my grasp, perhaps the pain of losing him will hurt more than I can bear.

And yet, if I love him, there’s only one choice.” (p. 278, The Queen of Nothing)

She makes the conscious choice to chop off his head fully knowing she could end up worse for it or right back where she started but she makes that choice because she cannot bear Cardan being stuck as a serpent. She loves him, and that alone helped her to make the choice between always having control and being fearful of losing it or doing things in the moment and dealing with the consequences after. Sometimes all you need is a big jump to realize you do not need to anticipate everything that’s going to happen. And she did not know what was going to happen when she cut his head off. 

So yes, Cardan has always been tied into Jude’s anxiety. He gave her power, and his supposed hatred or their quarreling was a constant in her life when everything was becoming increasingly unpredictable. It wasn’t until she lobbed his serpent head off that she finally let herself be free from the unpredictability of the future.

[bullshit-bulltrue]

Hawk Talk

Okay so sorry if this is a little jumpy I'm having a so far two-day long anxiety attack anyway-

We got assigned seating in history and i got sat next to the biggest cunt wad i have ever met i fucking despise her and she's my desk partner

she was cordial and so was i but she has not fucking changed at all

And the cute boy from years ago is still cute and shy and such a sweetheart but he sits behind me ish and to the very far right

So I can't even look at him anymore without anyone noticing :(

And nyxie darling (@whennyxfallsinlove) was right, i was looking at him like a deer staring at headlights the first day because holy shit i REALLY *REALLY* liked him (still do) because he was one of the only genuine boys I met at the time and I was having a really difficult time and yk hanging out with him helped me out since things were happening in my home life that were difficult to say the least

So then the rest of class went smoothly

For math, there is no cute guys

But thats fine because I really like my teacher and he's taught ways to do math that are so much easier

Not only is he funny, but he also REALLY goes into depth of equations and helps out a lot!!

Sooo yeah

I had a mini heart attack bc after I left class I thought my phone fell outta my pocket but the pockets on my jeans are high (since the jeans are high-waisted duh) so it turns out my butt just didn't recognize the feeling since majority of my jeans don't have wider pocket space

But yeah

Anddd then I went to English class

And if you saw the recent small Hawk Talk posts of me interacting with nyxie, you'd know that there are two boys that are lowkey cute 👀

Idk they're cute by my standards but probably not everyone else's lmao

So I feel like I should call these guys smth??

So umm let's call one of them Baseball guy bc he likes baseball and I also didn't wanna ask his name but when I do, I'll probably make a nickname to refer to when I post about him

And the other we'll call D/Dee ig??

So yeah D was funny as usual

And the baseball guy talked more and lanie, him, and I were going through this box

It was a worry box and my English teacher (we'll call her Mrs. K) basically had a chest and put it at our table to write our worries on an index card and put it in there (anonymously, but some kids put their names so now we have Blackmail™️ . Probs won't need it, but it's good to have information on people)

And like she said that we could NOT under ANY circumstances go through it..

But we did 😘

So yeah that was fun because I didnt get caught

so i'm her favorite student while also being a little shit

🙃

So me and Lanie started following Cute Baseball Boy™️ to his locker because we're nosy bitches

But then I lost lanie so I sat on the floor until i was found like a 7-year-old who lost her mom at the supermarket

Aaand then we had lunch together !!

But then I found out she thought baseball guy is cute too :(

And idk how to feel about that

So I'd anything happens between them I'm gonna be kinda bummed bc I don't want her to get the wrong idea about me thinking he's cute

So im gonna have to find a way to not like him ig??

Or just keep shit to myself (with the intention of telling y'all every little detail)

Gonna je bummed if they start dating or smth but I'll be supportive nonetheless because they're both my friends and if they're happy then that's all that really matters to me

So anyway

Thus guy across from us at lunch was fucking hilarious

His friend kept putting a plate of school food someone forgot to throw away in his face and he let out the most high pitch ear piercing scream I have EVER heard lmaooo

Same bro, same

Felt that

And like I looked at him like wtf was that dude

And his eyes got SO wide

He kept frantically pointing to the girls that were sitting near him and even his friend 💀

So like that was funny

And then we got to gym !!

We didn't get to actually do anything :(

Basically what happened in PE: got gym clothes, got gym lockers (mine and lanie's are next to each other!!), and watched boys get play basketball (D was playing and he wasn't that bad)

Sooo yeah

Ik I said that I went basic white girl mode and watched the boys play

But like half the time I was just taking selfies on snap and scrolling through tumblr memes lmao

But the other half me and lanie were laughing at the boys clothes and haircuts bc they look like they rolled out of bed and asked a 5 year old to make their hair the shape of a fucking broccoli spout or whatever tf you call it

y'all it was that bad

(we also laughed abt that shit at lunch too)

Oh forgot something

While we were all going into the girl's locker room of the gym i thought lanie was right behind me but when i turned around i had to tilt my head up and look around for her head because she's way taller than me and she was at the very back of the crowd

So i went to the side and waited for her to get close to me

And she literally fucking said

L: damn girl i keep losing you, you're really speedy

Me: yeah i'm short but it means i walker faster than you, you're a fucking giant

L: well yeah to YOU. but like i'm tall enough to be your mom

And I lost it. I laughed so hard bc of the way she said it lol

Soo yeah that was the end of my school day

Hope you enjoyed <3

Oh and tagging people that wanted to hear about my day and/or have been reading my Hawk Talk posts (if you dont wanna be tagged lmk and i wont anymore, and lmk if u do wanna be tagged in the full day hawk talk posts!) : @cereal-is-a-soup100percent-true @whennyxfallsinlove @dizzeners @cau-lee-flower215 @sp1rit-realm

[alovelyburn]

Since I think you are the smartest around. Did you ever write about Judeau trying so hard to get Casca and Guts together? I get that he was in love with her and saw mutual attraction but he was trying so hard to make them fall in love? For example Guts is quitting because of Griffith and Judeau makes the whole thing about Casca? What was Miura trying to tell us?

I’m sorry for bad English and being annoying with questions😅 /half joking

(it’s my 3rd time sending you an ask hope you don’t mind)

...I don't know what to say about the smartest thing, HAHA. So, I'll just say thanks. You flatter me. <3 Also, there's nothing to apologize for, send me as many asks as you like!

As for Judeau... ...well, here's my understanding of it.

So many of the characters are motivated by Griffith and later by Guts, but I think the thing to bear in mind when thinking about why Judeau does the things he does is that he's motivated mainly by Casca. And specifically that he wants the best for her in a way that apparently supersedes what he himself wants.

So basically he tries to make her happy.

I think the first time this comes up is post-Bonfire of Dreams when he goes out of his way to let her know that Griffith called her valuable...

...because he knows she wants to be important to Griffith, and can tell how much it hurts her to feel irrelevant and left behind.

But the thing is, he did that because at the time the only thing that could make Casca happy... was being seen and valued by Griffith. So if he can give her that, then he does.

But that doesn't make her attachment to him healthy, and it's inevitably going to make her miserable because Griffith is just never going to return her feelings... and even if he did, he couldn't act on them due to his ambitions.

Long story short, no matter how much she loves Griffith, she'll never be with him. And as long as she's single-mindedly devoted to her feelings for him, that means she'll always be alone.

And that's what Judeau doesn't want.

So when Judeau sees that there's something changing between Guts and Casca, he perceives this as an out for her: a way she could perhaps shift her affections to someone who might actually be able to give her what she needs... so she doesn't spend the rest of her life pining.

If you watch him... basically anytime after Bonfire, he's always watching her and taking note of what's going on with her really. And it reaches one of its major high points after the rescue when Judea and Guts have this very strange talk...

Where Guts expresses an interest in staying with them and Judeau's like, NO, GET OUT, LEAVE, DONT BE A WIMP, GO AWAY. Which would be super weird under most circumstances, but it isn't if you remember that he's motivated by the desire to keep Casca happy because then he's like...

GET OUT OF HERE and take Casca with you or she...

...will just end up living for Griffith again, I think is the point here. He doesn't want Guts to take off and leave Casca there to be sucked back into Griffith's gravitational pull, and this time with no means of 'escape. Because once she's pulled back in, she'll never get out as long a Griffith needs her, which would be forever.

And that's exactly what was about to happen, since the next time we see her she's telling Guts that she can't leave.

Anyway basically Judeau's in love with Casca and worried that she'll waste her life living for Griffith, which is a total dead end street, so he tries to play matchmaker to her and Guts to get her out of there.

I guess the next reasonable question would be why didn't he just tell her how he felt himself.

I think that's pretty simple, though. Judeau doesn't perceive himself as being on the same level as Griffith (as he says during the tavern scene), so when he sees that Casca is in love with Griffith he basically just stands down. It's what all the Hawks did whenever it came to competing with Griffith over something or other. So basically, he wouldn't think of himself as someone who can pull Casca's gaze away from Griffith but he sees that Guts seems to be able to do that so he leaps on the chance to try to bring her to a more satisfying place.

And in defense of his assessment, I do think he's not her type. If you go by Griffith and Guts, she seems be drawn to larger than life types more than anything else. Even if she could fall for someone who doesn't fit those criteria it's not shocking that Judeau wouldn't assume that to be the case.

Thanks for the ask, I love them. They kind of give me a chance to really dig into things I don't necessarily get into in say the rambles, or things I wouldn't necessarily think to do a separate post about. Like, you know, I don't talk about Judeau that much but that doesn't mean I don't have anything to say about him. He's an interesting guy - someone as motivated by Casca as Guts or Casca are/were by Griffith. His own relationship with Griffith seems a little less personal too - e.g. he heavily implies (...might count as just saying it outright) that the main reason he's concerned about making sure Griffith is taken care of is because he feels obligated to as a Hawk.

And I think his touch of objectivity as someone who isn't infatuated with Griffith as much as everyone else is allows him to perceive things more clearly than most... as evidenced by the way he talks about, say, Griffith manipulating Charlotte into falling in love with him.

[transhawks]

Absolutely! Man, I can never get over the huge disparity between who Hawks was introduced to us as, the expectations we had of him as a side character, to what he’s evolved into and all these layers cause with all this shit happening he’s like a leaky can of skittles where you shake it hard and the perfect uniformity starts slipping. Anyways, one important part to all this is that a lot of people are like Keigo (minus the murder arc) so. His issues? I don’t wanna, criticize him in a way that

PUTTING THIS WARNING HERE SINCE MY READ MORE GOT SHELVED: personal discussion of mental and personality disorders and disordered behaviors here. If symptoms like manipulation make you uncomfortable, take care reading.

So like.. to me it's really funny because I remember liking Keigo because he was so instantly manipulative and good at it that I just thought... "who is this I love him." I always adored characters who can manipulate people, people who relied on something other than strength to change people and circumstances in their favor, so he just felt as natural as liking one of my previous blorbos.

Some frank discussion of mental health below the cut. Please be mindful that it might disturb some of you unused to disordered thinking.

I think, back then, it's because I was very much struggling with my own tendency to want to do that. I'd developed a weird coping skill since my late teens to trick my mind to not be able to do that because I genuinely didn't like manipulating people or just...analyzing them for weakness like that. Liking people like Hawks was... a way to explore that part of me, those impulses, without engaging with them IRL because I truly despised (and still do) that aspect of me.

Two years later I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which that's a major symptom of. Go figure. Informally, I've asked around in the Jinkei server, and a lot of us are either diagnosed with BPD or just fit the profile and refuse to get diagnosed because Cluster B personality disorders are very much stigmatized and people often refuse to treat borderlines.

Anyway, I think being cluster B and knowing it's a consequence of trauma from abuse and such, I just think it explains a lot of who Keigo is. Some of what Keigo does makes so much sense to me, morality aside, because if i wasn't someone who questioned half of my actions, I'd do the same thing. Not like kill Twice, but a lot of the manipulating is just... There are moments when I just wonder why people don't realize how easy it is do that.

Very dark thought, but again, cluster B. I remember coming across a post earlier on in my diagnosis that also coincided with fights I'd been having privately with my ex-best friend about his actions; that a lot of borderlines don't realize that "doing bad things makes you a bad person" and uhhh, yeah, that's exactly it. We absolutely don't think of these things this way. To us, it's... a defense mechanism. Or often we think it's better for the other person if we do it, and convince ourselves that what we are doing will make other people happier. So, despite the uhh black-and-white view on Keigo (and the fact people like me tend to be very black-and-white morally), with Keigo his actions/mindset not matching felt natural to me.

Keigo really just feels very cluster B personality disorder to me. I'm no psych person, but the way he acts, his trauma and the way he deals with, just feels incredibly natural to someone like me, indicative of someone who is still very much living life on High Alert and Defense. While I personally lean towards Borderline with him because I believe he has shown being able to feel empathy, and we score high on emotional empathy (there seems to be debate on cognitive though), and that's what makes us different from people with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder), more importantly he just shows traits and actions that coincide with these disorders. Anyway, besides psychobabble, the disparity between who we thought he was at first glance and what he is is amazing. He's probably one of the best written characters and has so many layers. I'd put him in the same category as Shigaraki and Bakugou in the very beautiful way Horikoshi has managed to portray them. Those are the characters that spring to mind when I think of like...the care and clear work put into them? I'm sure there are way more. He's also absolutely no longer a "side-character" as we thought of, but like, again, was our first example of a hero reaching out and failing a villain.

I really don't know why Caleb changed his mind two chapters later, but I think him seeing that phrase again probably made him retain the Japanese better than going for a localized English pun as it highlighted the importance of Keigo expressing that insecurity. I can't speculate, looking at the Japanese there's nothing about not risking your neck and it absolutely isn't in Keigo's characterization to do that. Thankfully, the broad back is the one the fandom embraced so it's clear that the combination of him eventually getting it right and the MS and JB translators being so popular among fandom helped us get the actual meaning.

[moldwood]

i have 15 minutes before my work day starts, so why not have some reflections on 2023 for the lunar new year since my zodiac the dragon returns to me ☀️

PASSION

at the very end of the year, i did something i had always wanted to do and stepped down from work into a substitute position so i could focus on my art. it has been... slow, but i think it was the right move. whenever im not making something, i really cannot stand life. of course, i wont be able to stand it if i cant eat either, so well see how things turn out by the end of this year. i do think i need to get some art priorities in order, because im jumping around between a lot of projects which means theyre all getting done very slowly. i need to start focusing on one thing at a time, i think, but i really am enjoying the new stronger presence art has in my life.

MOOD

i really feel better than ever in regards to myself! most likely due to the aforementioned outpouring of passion into things ive wanted to do for YEARS. for the past few years, ive been a bit more aware of everything going on in my head than when i was a teen since i was still processing a lot of trauma, so ive been letting myself have a bit more slack on the rope in terms of "acting out of character" if that makes any sense. having a solid personality isnt something i really worry about since i know your sense of self is always shifting in every circumstance, but there were just some ways i never acted before that i let myself try on, find out its not for me, and then i end up feeling even more solid in who i am since i know what im not. i always knew i wasnt a giggly, happy-go-lucky person, but now i know that i can feel that way when i really really like someone. laios im talking about laios i have to be honest.

FRIENDSHIP

i think its my own personal failing that i overlook red flags from friends and try to make excuses for their behavior up until its too late and i have trouble not realizing that giving them an open space to be themself away from the world and support isnt enough to change that some are the type of people who are just looking for an excuse to think poorly of you anyway. i dont think im an overly kind person who will coddle someone being bad to me or a friend, but i definitely dont put my foot down enough. it happens in minor ways, but it happened in a major way again recently. if i had a dime for every time it turned into something severe, i would have two dimes. eight years apart and i let someone do the same thing, just minus suicide baiting me this time

tldr a friend of a friend sent that friend some stuff and it turns out that a friend who is no longer a friend turned into an islamophobe or at least started following islamophobic accounts and is very... delusional about the whole friendship + the kind of people we are + how we thought of him + really just wanted to think the worst of us and felt now he had a reason. we didnt read much more and felt no need to. its for the best that it's over, though, i think. he really was like that the whole friendship and didnt put any value on the things i/we did for him because it was never enough, which i knew the whole time but ignored because i thought if i did enough it would be enough, which leads me to:

i have been focusing more on loving my friends lately in the wake of that. i always have, though im not very vocal/chatty, so ive always shown it in my own way through giving drawings and gifts whenever im able. im never worried that i dont have a place in their lives, and im trying to worry less about the disconnect between how im thought of vs how i am. i think more what i am focusing on now is that i was always a very busy person, so while my friends were always very important to me, i want to do even more to show that since i want them to be sure of it. i dont have much time for any more projects, but i want to make sure they know i would do all i can for them outside of just drawing. i think this will help a bit with feeling more comfortable saying when i think something theyre doing isnt chill to me since the feeling would Hopefully go from me being bossy to me being just looking out for them being their best selves/not letting myself be misunderstood which just happens bc i dont talk very clearly not out of any lack of caring (there is a jumbled mess between my head and my mouth)

i also want to try to make new friends, or at least new acquaintances. theres a few people (mutuals 🥴) ive really wanted to talk to more, but i never know what to say. which makes sense, since i dont even talk with my friends all that much, usually only just whatever comes up in the current conversation in vc. autism damned. that boy cannot hold a conversation for his life. but maybe drawings are the way to go. my hands are all ive got IN SUMMARY

there are more thoughts and i dont have time to reread + word everything all nice because i have to work now. it is all a rambling train of thought mess. BUT tldr: life is really good right now and i feel more solid in the friendships im keeping and i am excited for my future art endeavors now that the last thing i was waiting for (the mixing palette!!!) came in. of course friendship is the longest section its the most important thing to me. anyway dreams for the year quickly ummmmm

✦ i want to learn how to use gouache. i have it! but i have to wait till i get a few projects out to get started. i think this will be very fun and very good for me because its been so long since ive played with a new medium ✦ i want to get better at small talk. how is the weather? do you like this type of weather? what type of weather do you like? what do you like to do when it is that type of weather? ✦ i want to visit prague to see if moving there would be good + feasible. my mom and half sister want to take a trip there, so i really hope that pans out and we can all go! ✦i want to work through my moral ocd about opening up a patreon/kofi and selling merch. people wouldnt subscribe if they didnt already have the money to. it doesnt matter if i make and sell 40 acrylic charms that are plastic and bad for the environment, taylor swift takes a private jet for a 20 minute car ride. ✦ i want to reach a higher fluency with arabic. its hard to find time to practice with my huge workload, so i think once i get better at time management with the projects, i can devote my mornings to a lesson a day and make better progress. ✦ lastly ig i want to try more new foods. i have been for the past several years, but i still am not the best at having good food consistently. im too busy right now to cook every day, so again i guess when i get better at time management between projects and life, i can devote some time in the week to meal prep + cooking good food. thank you laios dungeon meshi for reinforcing this. i already knew it but now theres a hot boy telling me it

2024 the year of more wahoooooo more taking more giving more drawing more cooking more dreaming more sun in the summer

[enzombie]

Ranking the commanders of FG properly:

⁽ⁿᵒ ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ʳᵉᵈᵈᶦᵗ ᵖᵒˢᵗ ᵈᶦᵈⁿ'ᵗ ᵘᵖˢᵉᵗ ᵐᵉ ᵒʳ ᵃⁿʸᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ⁾

Disclaimer I am ranking them as fictional characters because that's what they are, obviously real-life would rank wildly different. Audience likeability comes into it. The biggest crime a fictional character can commit is irritate the audience, and the murders didn't actually happen. Anyway,

Vivian - the perfect commander to introduce FG actually. she was cool, she was charming, everyone loved her. she made good decisions and dealt with shit well I think. good commander all round. what more do you need. ALTHOUGH my issues with zombie island do impact her ranking because she was a believer in it and I have so many issues with zombie island so overall 8/10 because she was epic and a good leader but her long-term plan was extremely shaky

Chase - I liked Chase. he had to deal with a lot more than he bargained for honestly and that's Carey's fault. also I've said this before but Major didn't help. Major complicated a lot for Chase and he's also the one that gave him the advice that made him go ahead with the OG Renegade execution that made him a villain. honestly I don't have any big issues with Chase. I think he tried his best. I think the circumstances got to him a bit but I don't think he did significantly worse than anyone else would've. I'm giving him a 7/10 because he did the best he could and I can't hold that against him

Major - listen. as a character, I like Major. when he's interacting with Liv and Ravi I'm like 'this guy :D' the moment he's at FG tho. brother. this guy not cut out to be a commander. you cannot lead a military government just because you're the most popular with the bros. Hobbs did a misjudge on that. Major doesn't DO anything. there are actual hatecrimes happening and he's like "we cant do anything about it or it'll look bad :/" like DUDE. like CMON. some of his men were killed in action because of his lax policies and he's like "I can give you their backstories. no justice only backstory." sir I know you're in over your head but a little effort. also I think FG just brought out the worst in Major even before he was commander. not even talking about the child soldiers, just his general character. like go home and play video games with Ravi man you're scaring me :( but yeah that's why we're here at 2/10 because he was too worried about being as uncontroversial as possible to actually do he job

Enzo - READ MY USERNAME AND WEEP. THIS MAN CAN DO NO WRONG AS FAR AS IM CONCERNED. IF HE WANTS TO DO A LITTLE KILLING SOBEIT. HES EARNED IT. but in seriousness I'm not fully convinced he knew what he was doing. props to him for wanting to stick up for zombies and put an end to the hategroups tho. but his way of going about things was.... perhaps terrible? but like he tried to get anyone else to do it. finally decided "be the change you want to see in the world new seattle" and then proceeded to stumble and fall on his face. the effort was there. the civil war didn't help his public image either. in terms of leadership, solid 4/10 because his heart was in the right place, he had potential, but he definitely could've done a lot better (sorry bro)